#I know how you feel I went through that exact same pain back in 2019

[a-lilac-lyric]

Wow! If I had a nickel for every time [there was a Disney married couple who looked like they were going to be a villain couple but then actually turned out to be a couple where one is way more self centered and power hungry than the other and starts to distrust their partner, who realized that love is more valuable than power, to the point of threatening them, then later shooting them with evil magic], I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice.

#wish 2023 #disney wish #elena of avalor #queen amaya #king magnifico #Victor Delgado #Ash Delgado #cinematic parallels #wish #Carla Delgado #wish 2023 spoilers #disney wish spoilers #wish spoilers #elena of avalor spoilers #And personally I think this is fantastic the angst is so good #shout out to all of the heartbroken KM x QA shippers #I know how you feel I went through that exact same pain back in 2019 #But then I grew to really enjoy this dynamic actually #Doomed tragic relationship where magic is faster than getting a divorce

[todayisafridaynight]

HAVE BEEN ROTATING Y7 ARAKAWA IN RGGO ARAKAWA'S DRIP IN MY MIND FOR AEONS YOU SEE THE VISION....................

Listen. I think. I think it would work. I think we could've still won. The physics probably would've been a pain, but if I think about it as an echo of the red iin his costuming in the play at the start, and link it back to how the plot of the play comes to represent part of his life, it would [unintelligible]

But no for real, the sliver you can see of the snakeskin on Jo and the fact it's the lightest thing you can see on his whole outfit feels purposeful. It's still incredibly funny to me that whole thing was treated as a twist at all. But.

And the progression on account of the timeskip is sick too from a symbolic perspective. It's things like the 2019 tie having the exact same pattern as in 2000, but it's also now the only real color in his entire ensemble, the purple from his shirt relegated to the tie and the pink completely gone. Hanging on to the past (although I guess this is more RGGJo's thing), forcing his "self" into a smaller and smaller space, that kind of thing. If we go with Sololiquy for a moment, maybe there's also something there about things being livelier when Ichi was around, for better or worse.

All the leather is ostensibly much more luxurious, befitting of his rise in status, but it's also burying him further in these additional layers of security. The gloves DO pull it together, and they also leave him basically completely covered-up from head to toe, which I can't help find fascinating.

So, you know, he looks sick with the gloves on, but there's also a different Flavor when recognizing he had them on the first battle when he was hiding so much from Ichi, but in the second battle, where he hopes to come clean, he's bare-handed ("Ichi-vision" notwithstanding).

And I think it's also worth recognizing that the gloves would've offered some protection when he went to grab the blade, but he grabs it anyway in his bare hand. With the amount of force you apply when you swing a blade and it actually connects, that'd hurt him just as bad, but it shows he's past the point of caring about what happens to him even before he says so. (I still think we should've probably seen his hand cut and bleeding when out of Ichi-vision, but y'know.)

Much to think about...

NO I SEE YOUR VISION I SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING they could've done that.... true the physics would've been a pain but I think we can trade some of the effort that went into The Bread and put it towards the scarf and coat.....

The evolution of Jo's outfit in conjunction with the surrounding environment and circumstances really is mad interesting, and as someone who really enjoys 'storytelling' (idk if that's the exact word rn but i aint ever been good with words in the first place) through character design/wardrobe. Any note I coulda said you've already said for me, yet I still wish I had some more words to express how much I love the changes in his outfit and how it reflects himself and the story at that particular point 😷

#long post #snap chats #holder until i think of a tag for these asks #most ironic ass tag cause i know im never changing it at this point ☠️ #thats the problem with having a walnut-sized brain like mine you're just terrible at words #it's what makes trying to say things painful cause id LOVE to accurately describe how much i adore a thing #however i was born without a brain #its why im eternally grateful for people who can put thoughts into words perfectly ☠️☠️ #but yayaya i always found those aspects of jo's design real fun and its really really epic that you've noticed them also! #for some reason i keep wanting to say that joe's outfit becoming darker can also reflect his and ichi's relationship #and how it isn't purely mutual hatred- of course jo doesnt like ichi anywhere near as much as arakawa did #so the sentiment of ichi making things 'brighter' probably isn't super shared with jo #but still.. ill entertain it for just a sec #its kinda like when your routine's busted or something. i dont know again im not good at words #like somethings just missing even if you werent particularly a fan of it- it just feels weird now that its gone #i dont want to ramble too much im sure im sounding silly as is #this aint related. only like. VAGUELY but on the note about Soliloquy though the author of that fic found my art for itjlkjkvle #very honorable moment.. im glad they get to know how much people loved their work :] #but back on topic ill risk sounding silly. ive said dumber things ☠️ #im prob stretchin a bit but sometimes i think of how jo calls ichi. 'ichi'. #i made a post bout this a long while ago but i still think of it.. like its just Interestin how ichi's friends might call him kasuage #or ichiban in full but jo and masato still use 'ichi'. with jo it's esp Inchresting since it's such a casual nickname #and yk.. youd expect a lil more professionalism. i wonder if he picked the nickname up from arakawa or somethin #ergo.. maybe circling back to both Soliloquy and jo's palette.. maybe it truly can be reflective of arakawa's feelings while ichi was gone #but im goin on too much im saying NOTHING

[viralhoax]

weights and scales

if you know me, you know i’m big on the abstract concept of the “right” thing. and while in some instances that is subjective, in a lot of instances, there is a right and a wrong way, or a way that is less aligned with your values and a way that is.

when i started nullvoid (skip if you heard this story before) it was 12/27/17 and i was on my phone after taking a long weekend from my first in-office graphic design job. i worked in an office with my boss and 3-4 other designers. i knew my boss did not like me within the first week and she made it obvious to all of my coworkers. she was truly quite cruel to me, so this is why my unmedicated, anxiety-riddled brain went from 0-survival mode real quick. i got an email from indeed that the company i worked for was looking for someone with my exact role description and title and i had just finished my probationary 3 months. i had no idea that they just were adding someone else because no one told me and i was taking my first paid time off break since i started. i immediately assumed that i was going to be fired upon reporting back to work. i needed something in the meantime as a safety net or something i could develop into a business, so out of straight up fear, nullvøid was born. i had my attempt with a nullvøid prototype in college called VOIDXIX because 19 was my favorite number and i love the concept of endless uncertainty plaguing us all (i also thought void was a cool word). anyway, i built a website and my first products in a night, and the forest fire concept was born. i didn’t realize how symbolic that shit was until i was older. low and behold, i didn’t get fired but i did stay at a place where my boss hated me and humiliated me for almost 2 more years so let this be a lesson to everyone— don’t be like me.

i was still designing but the concept of nullvøid fell on the backburner as i struggled with interpersonal issues, a pretty painful breakup, alcoholism and an array of bad decisions. by mid-2018 i was finally ready to start taking it seriously and switched platforms to storenvy and printful, which changed the game for me as i was no longer limited to the price points of my original distributor. from 2018 to now, nullvøid has been top focus for me, it’s been the vøid over everything. i started to use it as a tool to give back to the community around me through sponsorships and community partnerships.

something still felt off though.

let me make this super clear: in the almost 6 years i have been running this “business”, i have not made a profit. like, yes, i have made profit off of selling things for a cost+profit price point. but i have never made more money than i’ve spent. and it dawned on me recently, when has it ever truly been about the money (with the exception of its inception, for survival)? i’m not trying to sound like a martyr, i’m just not a good business person because of my feelings about how the world works and how everyone should be able to eat at the same table.

in 2017-2019, it was about me. it was all about me, it was what i wanted on garments because i thought it looked cool and i didn’t really care if anyone bought anything or not. if they did, i was honestly shocked. by 2020, the shift in the political climate and COVID changed how i wanted to run this very strange little world i was creating. i wanted to give back and take a stand against injustice, i wanted to dedicate any of my time to developing resources and donating money and time to causes, especially when the world was in such a state of chaos. and i was so much happier giving back. the minute this began to feel like a chore, though, i started to get immense anxiety around it. am i doing the right thing? am i making things people like? am i profitable? am i personable? 2021-2022 became all about trying to figure out what the fuck i wanted. did i want to be a streetwear mogul or did i want to be an artist? the short answer is artist, every time.

and now we’re in the middle of 2023. i have a skate team full of people i love. i have a group of people around me who really fuck with my vision. and it doesn’t feel right or okay for me to say fuck capitalism and then profit off of people. it caused me to have a bit of an existential crisis about my positioning in the world and how nullvøid fits into it.

making my art and messaging as accessible as possible is now our number one vision and mission. i want to make things that make people think and i don’t want them to have to pay supreme pricing for something that is more than just what’s cool now on a garment.

i don’t want to feed a machine i do not believe in. i want to be the change and i can’t keep sitting around bitching about shit while not changing anything. so that’s why this happened. that’s why i’m not ever going to make lack of funds a reason to not pick up our stuff. i don’t give a fuck if i profit. i give a fuck about how people feel. if i make some side money, cool, i’ll use it towards making more art.

i’m finding a level of balance and fulfillment i never thought was possible.

it is uncertain and scary.

i love it.

#nullvoid

[heejojo]

Love Isn't Beautiful But With You It Was

✰ summary: y/n and niki's journey from being enemies to friends to much more than that.

✰ pairing: Niki x fem!reader (and a Jay apperance)

✰ genre: fluff, angst, enemies to childhood friends to lovers

✰ warning: a few sad scenes but I'm not sure they'll be too bad! death

✰ word count: 1.8k (the most so far tbh)

a/n: this is my first fanfic so please leave comments about what should be improved. if you have any requests feel free to leave them! it's past 12am now and I need to sleep but I hope you have a nice day!

prompt gotten from @moonlight-chi77 thank you!

“Love isn’t beautiful but with you it was”

Life disappears in the blink of an eye, but the memories created and the human connection formed does not. The memories created are embedded in our hearts and follow us through different paths of life. Whether those memories are good or bad, they become something we reflect on in later moments.

Nishimura Riki couldn’t exactly remember the first time he met you but all he knew was that he had never hit off with someone the way he did with you.

September 2012

Although Niki couldn't pinpoint the exact date you guys started talking, he knew it was in September of 2012. He knew at first he disliked you and wanted nothing to do with you because you had stolen his spot on the swings.

“That's my spot, I told Jay I was going to stay here forever,” he said while his friend who was behind him nodded enthusiastically, backing him up.

“Your name is not on it and you didn’t buy it so why should I leave?” you asked him without coming down because you got there fair and square.

“I called dibs on it,” he said while puffing out his chest.

“Dibs are for babies,” you say while continuing to swing. “I’m not a baby,” he retorts.

“If you say so, then why are you wearing a Talking Tom T-Shirt?” you ask and his face begins to turn red. “It's cool, isn't it Jay?” he nudges his friend asking him for support. “Cool man, girls just suck” Jay responds and they both leave. “At least I dress myself!” you yell at their retreating figures

After that day, Niki made it his mission to disturb you every day and never wore his Talking Tom shirt again after that day.

August 2016

“Niki!!” you screamed as you felt another water balloon hit your leg. At this point, your entire body was soaked. The young boy continued to laugh and run as you chased him. You were beginning to regret spending your summer break with him when you could be watching TV instead. Eventually, you give up chasing the blond-haired boy and go into the house to dry off. Thirty minutes later, Niki comes in with a bottle of orange juice as a form of apology. You snatch it without further thought and drink it. Looking up at him after you finish drinking it, you both burst into a fit of laughter. “You’re lucky I love food,” you say. Maybe spending the summer with him wouldn't be so bad.

December 2018

Your crush on Niki was painfully obvious to everyone but him. Your friends teased you, his friends teased you yet when you were together you denied it with so much vigour. Niki had liked you for a few months now. Everyone was enjoying the slow burn that was going on between the two of you; the soft glances across the room, the way you always looked for each other among crowds, the way he knew where your secret birthmark was even though your close friends didn’t.

It was the way you complimented each other that made everyone cringe and aw at the same time. The jacket you got him for his birthday was his most prized piece of clothing and the only person he let touch it was his mum. This year though, you gathered enough courage and told him how he meant to you and how you were content with being just friends even if it hurt a little. But you weren’t expecting Niki to say he felt the same way, even more so. Your friends heaved a sigh of relief and choruses of ‘Finally’ were echoed.

It felt good being with someone.

January 2019

Everyone argued with people they loved right? Your parents did, the old lady that sells fruit and her boyfriend did so you and Niki weren’t an exception. After being childhood friends for so long you’d think you could trust each other enough to talk about the things that bothered you but he refused to, claiming that he didn’t want you to see him in a different light and how it would hurt his pride. You would tell him that no one knew him more and cared about him the way you did. At times, you’d let it go not wanting to push him but that day you couldn’t take it.

“We need to talk. Why have you been avoiding me these past few days?” you asked him.

“I’ve just been busy” he replied.

“No, you’ve been avoiding me. I know you well enough to know when you're hiding something” you said.

He wouldn't budge, he never did especially when you cornered him like this. He started to get irritated and said, “I said I’ve been busy so forgive me if I can’t give you attention all the time. Not all of us are as clingy as you” You winced; it was your fault for pushing him to the edge like that. Nevertheless, you wouldn't give up. “ I just want you to say how you feel and what bothers you. I’d never look at you in a different light and you know that. You might want to be strong but it’s okay to show some sort of emotion, it doesn’t make you weak rather it makes you look like someone that acknowledges what is wrong and doesn’t try to ignore the problem or solve it on their own” you comforted him. As the words entered his ears, you could see the walls surrounding his heart crumbling. “It’s okay to ask for help or just to rant to someone. Even if we won’t be able to provide an immediate solution, it should help” you added taking a few steps forward and grabbing a hold of his hands. You squeezed them tightly.

“I...I’m just scared you’ll leave once you see the not so perfect side of me” he managed to say. “I will stay with you, why don’t we make the best of everything without worrying about the future?” you asked while smiling. He returned it and pulled you in for a hug. “Thank you, truly,” he said and you smiled under his embrace.

After a few minutes you spoke up, “Oh yeah, Niki?” you called his attention and he hummed in response. “Don’t ever shout at me like that again, I can deck you and you know it” you said.

“Got it, boss. Sorry for being a jerk”

June 2020

You usually went on diets and exercised a lot but you were losing weight at an extreme rate and you weren’t even on a diet. Niki was worried but you brushed it off telling him it was stress from school but it got worse. You found it difficult for you to balance yourself, you felt nauseated, getting even more frequent headaches and being tired all the time so Niki decided that enough was enough and took you to the hospital. Neither of you had expected the result of the scans that were run.

“I’m sorry but there is a tumour in your brain,” the doctor said. The air left your lungs. “You can choose to get the surgery and live in the hospital for 8 months or live with the tumour for 3 months” he continued. You thanked him and left the hospital. The elephant in the room was very much alive and neither one of you wanted to address it. Did you want to stay in the hospital for the rest of your life or did you want to say with your loved ones? You thought that they would go through and that won’t be worth it.

“Niki” you called out.

He looked at you with a sad smile and just pulled you in for a hug, careful not to hurt you. “Do you want to tell your parents?” You nodded. You couldn’t just leave without saying anything. Picking your jacket, Niki drove you to your parents house.

“I just wanted you guys to know, I couldn’t just leave without saying anything,” you said with your eyes cast downwards. You couldn’t bear to look at your mom who was already crying or your dad who was blaming himself even when it wasn’t his fault or your sister who was basically your best friend. Niki had given you guys privacy but you knew it was just an excuse for him to be with his own feelings.

“I’m going to stay close to home in the meantime so I can be closer to you guys,” you said. Your eyes were already becoming glossy with tears. You inched towards your mom, taking her hand in yours and said, “You did an amazing job of being my mom and I love you so much”. Moving to your dad, you said “You did a good job of protecting me so don’t think otherwise. Let’s make all the memories we want to now without any regrets”. At that, your sister burst into tears “I… I can’t bear to lose you” Your heart clenched. “I can’t bear to lose you too” She continued crying. Your mom wiped her eyes and said, “From today, live the way you want to. Eat what you want and do what you want.” From the corner of my eye, I saw Niki staring watching the whole scene. After an hour, I stood up and went home with Niki. The car ride was a long and awkward one. When we got home, we just slept hugging each other.

Starting tomorrow I was going to live.

July 2020

The pain is getting worse but the smiles on my family and friends faces are enough to keep me going. I wrote letters and got gifts for them. Niki looks at the calendar every day, I can’t tell him to stop because I can tell he’s hurting so much. Why can’t I just be okay for everyone?

August 2020

The time comes faster, Niki and I went on a getaway for a few days. He deserved a break from everything that has been going on.

September 2020

I never thought I'd die as silly as that sounds. I asked my parents and sister to leave when I got to the hospital. Niki refused to leave and stayed there till I took in my last breath. He kept crying begging me not to go and how he’d do anything.

“Does it hurt a lot?” he asked between sniffles

“No it doesn’t, it just feels like a needle” it hurt like a truck.

“Liar”

I chuckled and held his hand till I couldn’t anymore. “I love you’’ I say as the lights fade.

╔═*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═╗

Dear Nishimura Riki,

When you see this, it means I’m already gone. First of all, don’t beat yourself up too much. I could write for ages about how much I love you but now that I need to, my mind goes blank. You’ve done so well for putting up with me, hats off to you. You might not want to but move on, even though id like you to remember me; let your heart heal and be happy.

Take care of yourself and don’t skip any meals. Eat well and be happy, make sure you visit the places we never got to visit and enjoy yourself. Live life the way you want it every day. Be nice to people and smile more.

Thank you for all the happy memories, my love, I’ll be forever grateful for you. You made my life colourful and worth living.

Love isn’t beautiful but with you it was.

Yours truly,

Y/N.

#enhypen #enhypen angst #enhypen x reader #enhypen scenarios #enhypen imagines #character death #enhypen fluff

[lovebecomeshim]

hello! your zutara posting today has finally motivated me to ask this question because I came to atla very late(last year, to be specific) and I Love It Very Much but am 1000% out of the loop as far as why what remains of fandom (at least that I've seen among my friends) is so very strongly zutara. I'm not opposed to it per se I just don't really know what has driven it to apparently be such a popular ship? can you help me understand and maybe convert me a little bit?

Hey!! Your ICON! :D I can try but I’m not sure how coherent I’ll be; however I AM sure someone a lot more competent will be willing to add to this. Either way, I’m glad you asked because my plan was to drag down as many people as possible with me.

*smacks the hood of zutara* this baby can fit so much mutual love and support!

This got so long, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to put it under a cut on mobile and it already got deleted once so I’m scared to mess with it lol. Moving on.

I’m gonna start this with a disclaimer that im on mobile so formatting is tricky and I’m also really new to atla in that I only completed my first watch through in like 2019??? So some of my info is all just based on what I’ve picked up from Discourse 👀 so anyway the sparknotes version: zutara was wildly popular from the beginning. To the point where the atla crew internally disagreed on which ship should be endgame. (Ex. Bryke [showrunners] asked the writers to rewrite The Southern Raiders to make Zuko seem less ideal for Katara than Aang [which failed, depending on who you ask]; the animation team purposefully created a visual parrallel between Oma and Shu in the Cave of Two Lovers and Zuko and Katara in the catacombs under Ba Sing Se in the Crossroads of Destiny; etc.)

The ship was popular enough that Bryke actually chose to display zk fanart at a con for the sole purpose of mocking the fans, but that’s neither here nor there. The entire episode Ember Island Players, while a love letter to/parody of the whole show, was an opportunity to address zutara’s viability as a canon pairing (while, again, mocking zutaras for romanticizing that catacombs scene). Point is! It’s always been popular but with it not being endgame, there’s got to be something that’s given it staying power.

And that’s honestly got to do with three things: their dynamic, thematic cohesion, and potential.

(You know what... you know what, it’s four things. The fourth is they’re so aesthetically pleasing together and individually. Like, they’re just good looking people [specifically when they’re grown but they’re also cute kids] and that absolutely doesn’t hurt) (but it’s not the Point, it’s just nice to point out sometimes)

The dynamic is hard to get into without also looking at the canon pairings, but I think I can do that without unnecessary bashing. It’s just that part of the magic of zutara is really highlighted by what they give to each other that their other relationships don’t.

First off, it’s classic enemies to (would be) lovers. The absolute truest form of it. It’s not too different from how CS started out: a rogue antagonist with a job to do—but no personal vendetta against the future love interest—who is deeply and emotionally invested in his personal storyline (revenge/redemption) with little regard for how it effects other people after his entire life and genuine good nature are marred by suffering, and a fierce warrior girl with a strong moral compass and her own personal investment in stopping him (protect her family and save the world doing it). Obviously frustration and animosity grew between them by the nature of them being on opposing sides, but that just lends itself to the sweetness of their later reconciliation.

The thing is that while they’re wildly different on the surface (he’s a hot-headed prince of a fascist regime who is trying to capture the Avatar to please his father; she’s a nurturing daughter of the chief who is trying to protect and train the Avatar in order to topple his father’s throne) they find out that they have so much more in common both in their experiences and their personalities.

(What follows is an excessive use of the word “both” and I’m sorry about that)(I can edit it. I can do that. That IS an option............)

They both have an innate sense of justice that they are determined to see done (zuko, at the war meeting, sticking up for the Earth Kingdom kid when the guards torment his family, choosing not to steal from the pregnant couple despite his circumstances, abiding by his word to leave the SWT should Aang come willingly, etc.; katara, literally.... at any point). They both have pretty one-track minds at accomplishing certain goals once they’ve put their mind to it, regardless of a lack of support in that endeavor (it goes without saying I guess, but zuko’s entire hunt; katara’s determination to get the earth benders to fight back, her determination to absolutely destroy Pakku until he agrees to teach her, etc.). They both lost their mothers at young ages. Their worlds are war-torn and traumatizing to them both, if in different ways, but that ultimately forces them to grow up too quickly to be wholly independent individuals. They both have issues with their fathers (for WILDLY different reasons, but). They both hold extreme prejudices that they need to learn to overcome (which ties into thematic cohesion)(bit like Lizzie and Darcy in that way but magnified by a million). They’re both extremely emotional and empathetic—which can and often does result in loud outbursts. Katara’s a bit better adjusted and can temper her anger for longer than S1 Zuko can, but they both feel that anger deeply and have no compunctions expressing it (Katara is, usually, more justified, particularly in S1. Again, S1 Zuko is severely maladjusted but at the point when they could’ve feasibly become a couple, he’s so much better off with the way he carries himself). They both struggle with feelings of inferiority in their bending abilities when confronted with prodigal benders like Aang and Azula, but have the work ethic required to double down and become two of the most powerful benders in the three remaining nations. This is a little more minor but it is a parrallel that appeals to some shippers that they both have these alter egos in the Painted Lady (notably fire nation coded) and the Blue Spirit (water tribe coded) that are pretty different from who they are day-to-day and are useful in accomplishing a purpose that they as themselves cannot.

(I’m.... I just realized that this could potentially get very long. Should I have made a slide show with bullet points??????)

Anyway, similar. I know there’s more but there’s literally so much to love about zutara that I’ll drive myself a little crazy trying to compile all the ways they’re similar. (Just gonna say that at this exact moment I went back to add more similarities.... so okay then)

Once they’ve reconciled, we see how all of these things only lend themselves to a deeper intimacy together than they share with literally anyone else. There’s a steady partnership that positions them as the mom/dad of the gaang, while also providing the support necessary to allow the other to not have to carry so much responsibility. A lot of zutaras will point out how zuko is actually depicted doing the more domestic chores that are normally relegated to Katara once he joins the gaang, since the others in the group are two 12-year-olds and sokka. The one that sticks out the most is how he makes tea for the group and then serves them, while Katara is able to just relax with her friends around the fire. Fanon expands upon this a lot to Zuko helping with the laundry or the cooking or whatever else needs doing since he, as a once-refugee, is used to doing his own domestic tasks. Before Zuko joined, Katara was the one mothering everyone, sewing for them, cooking for them, etc. She’s always tending to the needs of the group, and that includes emotionally. She does the emotional labor for the gaang 99% of the time, but when she’s the one falling apart, she’s usually doing it alone and without the comfort that she normally provides for others. Until Zuko. And that’s before they’re even friends.

Which is WHY people romanticize the catacombs of Ba Sing Se so much. Katara is verbally attacking Zuko out of her own righteous anger but also her own prejudice when Zuko, surprisingly, chooses to be vulnerable with her. He’s been on a journey that’s opened his eyes a bit, but he’s never actively chosen to expose the rawest parts of his past to anyone. But for some reason he chooses to do that with Katara of all people. While she’s yelling at him. He sees her humanity, and for once can look past his prejudice and empathize with her. And this time, when she breaks down, she gets to be comforted. Katara normally talks about her mother when she’s trying to explain to someone else that she sees and understands they’re pain, as a form of comfort to them. Here, Zuko uses the exact same tactic. He sees her and he understands. And for zuko? He’s not being shut down. He’s allowed to articulate his pain regarding his mother without being ignored and made to internalize it, and he’s allowed to process how he feels about his scar out loud without being told that he deserved it. And then he lets her touch his scar, something we’ve seen him actively avoid before. He’s completely open to her and she’s completely open to him and all it took was one five minute conversation. She was about to use the little bit of Spirit water that she had, that she was saving for something Important, to heal the scar that still daily causes him pain just because they had, somehow, connected.

Plus there’s the whole parallel to the star-crossed lovers forbidden from one another, a war divides their people—

And then zuko messes up, he regresses, he gets what he wants and he HATES it. And the sense of justice he had as a child has been restored to him against his will and he can’t think of anything he wants to do more than the Right Thing, so he joins team avatar. Before he does that though, we get to see his relationship with Mai, which is where comparison really comes in. And what we see is Zuko, fresh off of his encounter with Katara in the catacombs, trying to be emotionally honest with Mai... and getting shut down and dismissed. Which is just how Mai is and it’s fine, but not for Zuko. Still, he keeps trying, and he keeps getting ignored or scoffed at or yelled at. Which is really a larger symbol for how he doesn’t fit in his old life anymore, but again that’s about thematic cohesion. He tries to articulate his anxieties about returning home, he tries to make romantic gestures, he tries to explain how morally conflicted he’s feeling—and Mai diverts to some kind of physical affection to shut him up and a parting comment that is pretty much always, in essence, “I don’t wanna talk about this.” So they don’t. On the other hand, once zuko and Katara are friends, we see him again emotionally distraught and caught up in his anxieties about facing Iroh, and it’s Katara who comes to him and listens to him and comforts and encourages him.

Similarly, we have Aang clamming up and getting uncomfortable whenever Katara shows any negative emotion, usually resulting in him making excuses or running away. Or, in the case of the Southern Raiders, lecturing her on how she needs to just let go of her anger about her mother’s murder. People have talked this episode to death and usually better than I ever could, so imma... keep it brief. There’s a serious disconnect between Aang and Katara in his ability to empathize with Katara and her needs that has her tamping down her vulnerability and amping up her anger. He tells her that he was able to forgive his people’s genocide and appa’s kidnapping (petnapping? Theft??), which is blatantly not true but also not an entirely equal parrallel to Katara’s situation, and continues making these little remarks throughout the episode. But it’s Zuko that Katara opens up to. It’s with him that she’s able to talk about the most traumatic day of her life, and it’s with him that she’s able to get the closure she needs, cementing their bond as friends and partners. This disagreement between Aang and Katara is then... never resolved. They just never bring it up and hear what the other is saying.

There’s a fic called The Portraits of Ember Island that has a line that so completely sums up the heart of the matter for why people love their dynamic. For context, zuko has woken up early to help Katara with the cooking and they spend the whole time just letting one another talk, and zuko stops to ask why she always just lets him talk. And so she stops to ask why he’s always helping, and it goes as follows:

There’s just... so much mutual support! Trust! Intimacy!! And it just continues like that from the Southern Raiders on, listening to each other, advising each other, watching each other’s backs! And then! Literally saving each other’s lives!! I will never be over the last Agni kai. Not ever. Zuko may have been willing to jump in front of lightning for anyone, but he actually did it for Katara. And in a show, that’s the thing that really matters. It’s a fulfilled trope usually exclusively applied to romantic pairings, and it ended up applying to Zuko and Katara. And then she ran out into the middle of a fight with tunnel vision just to get to him.

Also!! Also Zuko pushing Katara out of the way of the falling rocks at the Western Air Temple!! And Katara catching him as he fell from the war balloon that he fought Azula on!! Before they’re even getting along, they’re the ones reaching for each other. They come to this place of equal ground, as partners, who watch each other’s backs, call each other out but still listen attentively and understand, and provide the support that the other has been sorely lacking up until they knew each other (whether that be from lack of effort or lack of understanding from others, or an unwillingness to accept it for themselves).

Then, trailing along under the surface of this, we see the themes of the show totally embodied by Zuko and Katara as individuals and in their relationship to one another. There’s a YouTuber, sneezyreviews, who has a, like, 2-hour explanation on why she not only loves zutara but also believes that their endgame would’ve actually elevated the writing of atla to new levels particularly because of thematic cohesion and resolved character arcs. It’s the zutara dissertation I never knew I needed, and it’s funny and eloquent and effective, so I’m just going to sum up her section on thematic cohesion to the best of my abilities and then link it for whenever you have the time. And I HIGHLY recommend it, especially if you want a full understanding of what makes zutara so great and gives it such longevity.

Guru pathik has a line that goes something like this: separation is an illusion; things that seem different are just two parts of the same whole. Iroh also tells Zuko something similar: balance and strength are achieved when the different nations come together and influence one another and celebrate what makes them each unique. And this lesson is a massive central arc that both Zuko and Katara go through, moving past a black-and-white, good guys-vs-bad guys, us-vs-them mentality and into a greyer, more nuanced view of the world. Zuko sees the fire nation from an entirely new perspective and while he still loves and hopes for his nations future, he surrenders his blind loyalty to them in exchange for an unflinching loyalty to peace and love. Katara too had to come to terms with the fact that cruel people exist in the earth kingdom and water tribes, while some fire nation citizens are just regular, kind people who also need and deserve to have someone speak on their behalf. And this is honed in directly on how they view each other. They grow in their individual journeys to be open to the humanity in the other and then, once they’ve found that, they’re able to grow more in compassion for others in a beautiful feedback loop. And this is all matched in the symbolism repeatedly and intentionally associated with them in canon: sun and moon, fire and water, yin and yang, Oma and Shu who found love despite their warring nations. Their individual arcs are completed in each other and complement the themes of atla beautifully.

The canon pairs... just don’t. Which, again, is fine. But the very things that give atla longevity and popularity are anchored in zutara. Kat@ang doesn’t accomplish this. They’re... nice. Sweet. Especially when you erase a good portion of their interactions in S3. It could’ve been just a sweet love story. (Personally, the dynamic between toph and aang accomplish the same thing that zutara does, with complementary personalities that fulfill the theme of opposites blending in harmony) M@iko, on the other hand, is less sweet but I think wasn’t even supposed to last. Zuko’s relationship with Mai seems to represent his relationship with his old life as a whole. He can’t be emotionally vulnerable, he’s goaded into abusing his privileges, his agency and opinions aren’t respected. They just don’t have common ground with which to discuss anything that matters, so they don’t. As far as themes, the relationship doesn’t fit with atla. It’s zuko returning to and sticking with what is (on the surface) like him, what’s expected. Fire nation with fire nation. Fluid water bender with the flexible air bender. Like with like, separated from what is different and challenging and complementary.

And all of these things combined of course lead to the potential for the ship. I don’t know how familiar you are with the post-atla canon but... well, miss “I will never turn my back on people who need me”, miss “I don’t want to heal! I want to fight!” ends up living quietly in the SWT as a designated healer who turns a blind eye to the water tribe civil war happening right outside her front door. Which can be fine! People change! Some people just wanna stay inside. I just wanna stay inside! But the potential future for zutara is so much more satisfying, with Katara becoming the most unconventional Fire Lady the uppity old cads who are stuck on the old ways have ever seen. Fanon has her serving as a voice for the other nations within a kingdom at the point of its biggest political upheaval, as a confidante to Zuko who can actually help him while he’s trying to figure out how to move forward and make reparations. They have the opportunity, together, to accomplish what they both have set on their hearts to fight for: positive change that lends itself to harmony and balance. And the steambabies! A popular headcanon is that their firstborn daughter, the crown princess, is actually a waterbender, which causes such an uproar among the people who are adamantly clinging to the old ways. It’s just a future full of potential to be forces for good together, full of trust, intimacy, joy. The exact era of peace and love and balance that zuko announces that he intends to ring in with the start of his reign as Fire Lord is, again, magnified by the very personal zutara relationship. And we love to see it.

tl;dr zutara isn’t for everyone. Some people just don’t vibe with it. Some are nostalgic. Some love the canon they grew up with. Some have been disappointed for years. Some just see themselves in other characters and want their happiness instead. Whatever the reason, that’s fine. But for me, I love the way these two, from the moment they give each other a fair chance, are able to lower their walls and prejudices to see the other for the kindred spirits they are. They see each other’s humanity, and their response is to pour out love and support and compassion. I love that they’re a power couple in battle. I love the symbolism and, honestly, soulmatism that colors their every interaction. I love that they embody the whole storyline of atla in their relationship and how it develops, which is notably why their seasonal arcs always culminate in each finale with how they relate to one another. I love that zuko adopting a waterbending move is what actually saves his life and then katara’s. I love the chemistry! And I love the future they could’ve had, instead of the ones they were given.

So, in conclusion: I just think they’re neat and I hope you do too, at least a little bit. Even if it’s just respectfully from a disinterested distance cause you do you. And now here is the video I mentioned. I’m sorry this post got so long and then I gave you an even longer homework assignment, but I can’t recommend it enough. She says it all better than I can.

#zutara #atla #zutara rant #like really the way the canon relationships were written throughout s3 #it would’ve been more believable for zutara to happen #or at least be hinted at #all of the major issues presented in those relationship were dug up extensively and then... never resolved #and then they just slapped some kisses on a screen and said ‘there all better’ #and we just kinda had to say ‘oh ok guess it’s all better then’ #this got long I’m sorry #I wrote it all out and then tumblr ate 2/3 of it #which is why it took so long #and what I’ve written now doesn’t even match what I had before #because there’s too much to say about why I love zutara #and the stuff I left out the first time is what came out this time #rip to my original thoughts but this post is different #anyway that’s why this took so long #and I should’ve just made a PowerPoint... #I can do that too if you’d rather not read all of this lol #I won’t be offended #this is incoherent #Alia rambles uselessly #also hoping this doesn’t end up in any wrong tags because I don’t wanna step on toes lol #it’s not anti!! it’s just critical #in a compare/contrast way #I can pinpoint the moment when I started trying to rewrite my points from memory #because everything gets shorter and more succinct #like... I really said all that??? sounds fake and I don’t remember it anyway so here’s the condensed version #with no!! smooth!!! transitions!!!! #also why am I so lazy with proper grammar over text

[fiveisnumber1]

The Vortex That Takes Me To You - "Me, Lu, and Five Times Two" Side Story

Main story parts:

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32

_________________________

"Wait!" Five called out as he tried to hand you the briefcase

It was too late though as Luther pushed him into the vortex to 2019. As Five held the now-defunct half of the briefcase he fell through time for what felt like a matter of seconds before hitting the ground of the courtyard behind the academy. With a giant flash, the spot in the sky where the blue used to be was now gone. From afar the five known living Hargreeves siblings slowly approached the person who dropped from the sky.  Slowly, Five got up from the ground throwing the broken briefcase away as he dusted the dirt and leaves off his clothing. Approaching closer the group looks on in confusion as Klaus asks,

"Does anyone else see a slightly older version of little number Five or is that just me?"

Five took a look down at himself. His suit was too loose now and when he looked at his hands he saw no more wrinkles or signs of old age. There was a leftover puddle nearby from rain that must've occurred early and as he bent over it he saw the version of himself that he had left only moments ago. Bringing a hand up to his face, he stared at his newly youthful reflection.

"I'm young again." He whispered to himself

At the same time that this was happening you were making your way to the florist to pick up flowers that Pogo had ordered. As you walked to the shop you felt that something was wrong. No, not wrong, but different. From behind you, you felt a molecular disturbance and a giant one at that. As you continued to walk to the shop the physical pain grew so much that you had to stop and bend over. It felt like your insides were being torn apart bit by bit. Somehow managing to turn around you felt the direction it was coming from. It was coming from back towards the house. The pain of the disturbance went on for a few more seconds but then abruptly it stopped. Catching your breath, you stood back up but something felt familiar in a way. It was like an odd chill of deja vu but you had never experienced this before. But if the disturbance was coming from the house then the flowers could wait. Reginald didn't deserve flowers anyway. Quickly, you started sprinting back towards the Academy trying to get there as quickly as you could.

Back at the house, the five Hargreeves siblings sat around the kitchen table as they watched the newly returned Five make a sandwich. It had been years since they had last seen him and a lot had changed in that time. Everyone had their own thoughts and feelings on the matter and some were more upset than others. Five wasn't exactly sure what to say to them after all this time. It was quite a complicated situation to be in. Trying to not let his uncertainty show, Five stoically questioned,

"What is the date? The exact date."

The group stays quiet for a second before Vanya states,

"The 24th."

"Of?" Five pressed

"March," Vanya replies

"Good." Five comments

This was exactly the time that he was planning to be here, on the day of his father's funeral. Thank god that man was dead. If he was alive he would never hear the end of it.

"So are we gonna talk about what just happened?" Luther asks

It was no surprise to Five that Luther would speak up. Even after all this time, he was trying to take the lead on things. Instead of responding to his brother, Five puts two slices of bread down on a cutting board and focuses on his desired food item. He hadn't eaten all day and apparently paradox psychosis was a real energy drainer. He needed a second before he was going to explain anything. Standing up, Luther looks down to Five and states firmly,

"It's been 17 years." 

"It's been a lot longer than that." Five replies immediately jumping behind Luther to find marshmallows

"I didn't miss that." Luther comments

While Five looks around the kitchen for the marshmallows, Diego asks accusingly,

"So where'd you go?"

Of course, an accusatory tone. How could Diego not have one? Five could just tell that Diego was upset not because he had disappeared for years but because he was the one that made you disappear for years. If only the siblings cared for each other as much as Diego cared for you, maybe things would be different. Five didn't have time for Diego's older brother shtick though. Jumping back to the table with the marshmallows, Five bluntly replied,

"The future. It's shit by the way."

"Called it!" Klaus exclaims

Five turned towards the refrigerator to get peanut butter for his sandwich, his mind wandering as he thought back to his time in the apocalypse. 45 years. He was so arrogant to think he could time travel. Grabbing the peanut butter jar, Five talks aloud,

"I should've listened to the old man. You know jumping through space is one thing, jumping through time is a toss of the dice."

Unscrewing the lid of the peanut butter jar Five looks up from the sandwich he was making and at his siblings before him. The last time he had seen them all together was as corpses. And before that, they were all still children. It was a lot to take in but he was focused on his task of stopping the apocalypse. He had the information he needed on what caused it, but he needed to find the right time to discuss it with everyone. Keeping a stoic look he tries to deflect his mind to something else by commenting to Klaus,

"Nice dress."

"Oh, Danke," Klaus responds playing with some of the loose straps

As he starts to assemble the sandwich he was making Vanya questions him,

"So how did you get back?"

"In the end, I had to project my consciousness forward into a suspended quantum state version of myself that exists across every possible instance of time." Five responds

"That makes no sense," Diego says confused

"Well, it would if you were smarter." Five remarks

Diego angrily stands up and stares down Five attempting to get towards him to attack him. Instead, Luther stands up puts out an arm to hold him back. Honestly, it didn't matter if Luther was there to stop Diego or not. He was all bark and no bite.

"How long were you there?" Luther asks

"45 years." Five states bluntly "Give or take."

Luther and Diego both sit back down in unison. All the siblings stare at their brother with wide eyes in shock at his statement. 45 years?

"So what are you saying? You're 58?" Luther asks

"No. My consciousness is 58. My body is 18 again." Five retorts

With his sandwich put together, Five walks off to the side of the table they all sat around and faces away from his siblings.

"How does that even work?" Vanya inquires

"I used the improper equation when I was forced through time." Five replies

"Improper equation?" Vanya questions

Electing to ignore Vanya's question, Five turns back towards his siblings at the table. There was no reason to explain all that had happened before he came here. It was unnecessary and would probably worry his siblings more than they needed to be, or perhaps even enrage them and there was no way he was going to stop the apocalypse if his siblings weren't willing to work together. Picking up a newspaper detailing the death of his father, Five takes a look at it before commenting unamused,

"Guessed I missed the funeral."

"How did you know about that?" Luther asks

"What part of the future do you not understand." Five remarks to him, his eyes not leaving the paper "Heart failure, huh?"

"Yeah," Diego says

"No," Luther adds

Ah, yes. One and Two still fighting to be the leader of the family as if it hadn't been years since the dissolution of the Umbrella Academy.

"Hmm. Nice to see nothing's changed." Five comments

The Hargreeves looked at their newly returned brother and as he stood there quietly, holding his sandwich he stared back awkwardly at his siblings. The prior self that he left in the '60s said that you would show up when the conversation with his siblings felt over. It felt pretty over right now and there was no sign of you. Five's heart started to race, everything had been laid out for him, and now nothing was going according to plan. Panicked, Five decided it was best to leave. Keeping a serious look on his face he started to walk out of the kitchen.

"Uh, that's it? That's all you have to say?" Allison questioned

"What else is there to say?" Five responded

When he was out of sight of his siblings he once again noticed how his suit didn't fit him properly anymore. He needed to change. Flashing upstairs he looked in the closets of his siblings but was met with academy uniform after academy uniform. Reluctantly, he took an academy uniform from Klaus' closet since it looked like it would fit best and put it on. He stared at himself in the mirror for a bit before deciding to head back downstairs.

Making it back to the house, you looked around, and only felt faint traces of a disturbance. Maybe you were going crazy? Heading through the front door you looked around the foyer and some other rooms on the main floor and upper floors but found no one. Maybe they all got in an argument and left, it's not like they enjoyed being here anyway. Letting out a small sigh you made your way back downstairs to the parlor. Someone would probably show up soon enough. You stood in the doorway for a second and stared at the portrait above the fireplace. You had hated the painting at first, but you tolerated its presence after years of coexisting with it. Carefully, you made your way over to the fireplace and looked up at the portrait that loomed over you. It was nothing like him. No light in his eyes, no cocky smile on his face, no personality. Just an emotionless and unrealistic replication of who he was. You wanted him to come back.

As you stared at his portrait, Five had made his way downstairs and took in what had become of his home. As he approached the parlor he saw a giant portrait of him on the wall and below it stood a familiar figure. Five stopped in his tracks and his heart began to race. This was his (Y/N). Five readjusted his jacket and tie and took in a breath before slowly starting to walk over to you. Hearing footsteps behind you, you stopped looking at the painting and turned to look where they came from. Seeing the figure before you, your eyes went wide with shock as the world around felt like it was slowing down. Carefully, you moved forward towards him almost as if in a trance, worried that if you moved too fast he would vanish. You extended your hand out and Five moved to meet you in the middle. When the two of you were close enough your fingertips lightly brushed his cheek, but you quickly pulled back, shocked by the feeling of something there.

"I think I'm hallucinating again," you whisper

Five reaches out and gently grabs the hand you had retracted. Bringing it closer to him he places it on top of his heart, holding your hand there. You can feel his heart beating rapidly beneath your hand as your own started to catch up to match his. You looked up at his face and gazed into his eyes. Tears prick your own as you softly ask,

"Five?"

Five smiled at you as he looked upon your face. You were so beautiful. Not that you weren't in the 60s but the way you looked at him now was different. It was soft and welcoming and felt like it was only for him. Leaning in just a little closer Five whispered to you,

"I'm here."

You let out a small gasp. He was here. This was real. Flinging your arms around him you held him tightly as Five wrapped his arms around to hold you back. No wonder his other self was so protective, who would ever want to let this go? You looked up at Five. A question had loomed on your mind ever since the day he vanished and you had to know the answer.

"Are you still mad at me?" You questioned nervously

Five saw the nervous look on your face. He knew that you had wondered if he was mad at you for a while. It was one of the last things you had said to him before you...died. Five took your face into his hands. Looking gently into your eyes he answered,

"I was never mad at you, to begin with. I was mad at my dad and one of my biggest regrets will always be taking that out on you and then leaving you all alone."

With his response, a weight fell off your shoulders. For so long you had thought you were the one that drove him away. You thought he was mad at you all this time, but to know that wasn't the case made you feel so much better.

"So you didn't purposely stay away?" You asked

"No, how could I ever choose to be away from my best friend?" Five added

You looked off to the side as best as you could, given that your face was held between his hands, and hoped that he didn't notice the blush rising to your cheeks.

"I don't know, but I missed you." You mumbled

Five took his hands from your face and hugged you once more responding,

"I missed you too. Not a day went by when I didn't."

You smiled knowing that Five had missed you as much as you missed him. Day after day, month after month, year after year, you thought of him as you waited for him to come back. And now here he was before you telling you he felt the same way. It was all that you needed to hear. Well...there were other things you wanted to hear but those were more so desires than necessities. You were just happy to have him back.

"Pull that shit again and I'll kill you." You joke as you give him a small shove away

"I promise I won't." Five replies with a smirk "Although I don't think you would kill me anyway."

"Perhaps." You respond

Five threw his hands into the pockets of his academy shorts and looked at you.

"Care to walk and talk around the house?" Five offered

"Of course. Would you like me to turn invisible so you look insane for old times sake?"

"I already look insane in this uniform." Five joked

"You always did. C'mon, let's go." You say extending your hand towards him

Five looks at your hand, almost hesitant to take it because none of this felt real. Even though he had been around you not too long ago back in the 60s, this truly was different. This version of you hadn't seen him since the day he left. Unlike prior you who had experienced being around him, you had waited every day for his return. There was an excitement and awe that he got from you this time around that made him nervous. As Five thought more about the situation before him he froze up. As much as he trusted you when you said that you loved him the way he loved you Five still couldn't help but wonder if his other self just had better circumstances. He still worried that maybe that version really was just lucky. Five didn't want to get this wrong, but nevertheless, he took your hand. Fingers intertwining, there was electricity you both felt but would not tell the other.

With a smile, you started to walk around the house as you had done many times before, both of you trying your best to catch the other up. The conversation came easy as if the two of you were never separated. Five took in the sights of his old home. Nothing had really changed since he left, minus the small presence you had created. There was a newer piano in the parlor and you had shown off your wonderful room to him. He remembered your description of it from your diary and how you changed it from being Diego's to yours but it was even better in person. As you two exited your room Five looked down the hall at a shut door. It was his room. Five made his way there and you followed behind. Carefully, he opened the door to it and stepped inside. Once more you followed behind and thinking that the sight of his childhood room might be tough for him, you shut the door.

As you shut the door though Allison who had been heading to her room happened to pass by and noticed the two of you in there. Something about you two being together again reignited the feelings of her youth. She remembered the times when you and she had traded secrets about your crushes. The gossip in her immediately needed to tell someone else. Turning back around she went downstairs and noticed the rest of her siblings in the parlor again. Approaching them all she said,

"I don't want to alert anyone but Five and (Y/N) went into Five's room and shut the door."

"WHAT?!" Diego shouted as he angrily turned to face her

"Oooh, juicy," Klaus commented "I remember being 18 and hormonal. Horniness levels are through the roof, I mean-"

"NOT ON MY WATCH!" Diego yelled cutting Klaus off

There was no way his baby sister was going to be in a room with a boy alone. Especially not with the boy who had left her alone and broke her heart. What was he going to do? Break it again? Not if he had anything to say about it. With his fists clenched tight Diego started to march his way out of the parlor. He was going to protect his little tiny princess, but as he attempted to go, Luther, with his superior strength, held him back.

"Let me go, Luther!" Diego yelled

"We shouldn't just barge in there Diego." Luther criticizes

"That's MY  little sister!" Diego retorts

"There are better ways of approaching this," Luther replies

"I want to know what's going on though..." Vanya comments

"Me too," Allison adds

As the group stands around debating Ben leans over to Klaus and says,

"Klaus."

"What do you want?" Klaus replies annoyed

"Is that camera we bought as kids still in Five's room?" Ben asks

"Yeah, we never took it out. Why?"

"The tablet to watch the video feed on is in my closet." Ben states

Klaus looks at him confused for a second before realizing what Ben meant. Getting excited Klaus exclaims,

"Guys! Guys!"

The rest of the group looks over to him confused and with all of their attention grabbed Klaus continues,

"The video camera we got as kids is still in Five's room and the tablet is in Ben's closet!"

"Do you think it still even works?" Allison questions

"It's worth a try," Luther says

The group looks at each other before silently nodding in agreement. Together they head up to Ben's room and search for the tablet in his closet. Finding it they turn on the switch and to their surprise, it works. The picture quality was not as great as they remember but clear enough that they all can see what is going on. As they all stand over the tablet Diego says annoyed,

"Alright Five, what are you hiding from me."

"From us." Luther corrects

The two brothers glare at each other before turning their attention back to the tablet and the two of you in Five's room. Five stepped into his room quietly taking in the surroundings. Nothing had changed, it was as if his room was frozen in time. As he looks around you slowly approach his side. Standing next to him you looked around the room as well and comment,

"It's an odd feeling. Knowing that time has passed but everything looks the same."

Five looks towards you. Of course, you knew the feeling he was going through.

"No worries though, we'll get you everything you need to make this place feel like home again." You mention

"I already have everything I need to feel at home." Five replies, his hand holding yours just a little tighter

Five gazes in your direction but as he does so he notices something behind you. Letting go of your hand he steps around you curious and makes his way over to his desk. Looking down at the object placed there he realized that it's the radio he had taken from Allison all those years ago. Confused as to what he was looking at you followed him towards the desk and saw the radio.

"I can't believe it's still here after all this time."  Five comments

"Well we never gave it back and I'm guessing nobody wanted to come take it after..." You mention trailing off

"Yeah..." Five replies before questioning "I wonder if it still works?"

You shrugged your shoulders and gestured to the old electronic encouraging him to see if it worked. Leaning down Five plugs in the old radio before pressing the on button. The sound of static blasts loudly through the speakers causing both of you to flinch back a little in shock. After a moment Five started to turn the knob to tune the radio, searching through for a station that was clear. Soon the static started to fade and in its place music could be heard. 

As the camera continues to spy on the two of you, the rest of the Hargreeves siblings watch what goes on from Ben's room. Seeing the working radio Allison exclaims,

"Hey, it's my radio! I never got it back!" 

"Allison, it's been years and still no one cares about your radio." Klaus comments "We want to know what's up with Five and (Y/N)."

Allison lets out a huff and crosses her arms. Just because it was old and she hadn't been in possession of it or thought about it for years didn't mean it wasn't hers. Even with her pouting, the siblings continued to observe. As they did so Diego aggressively says,

"Alright Five what shit are you going to pull now?"

"I don't think he's going to do anything." Vanya comments "I mean there's nothing wrong with them being happy."

Back in Five's room, music flowed through the air as Five leaned against the edge of his desk, watching you look around the place. He was absolutely enthralled by you. The most mundane of things seemed extravagant just because you were there with him. A wide smile appeared on his face as he remembered a similar time he had spent with you. You took in the room silently as the upbeat music played. It had been a bit since you'd last been in Five's room, but for the first time in a while it felt warm and bright again. Looking over your shoulder you looked back towards Five and noticed the smile on his face.

"What?" You questioned 

"Nothing." Five replied with a shake of his head

"Nothing? The mind of Five Hargreeves is completely empty?" You joke sarcastically "This is something I'd expect from your brothers, not you."

Five rolled his eyes at you but he missed your quick wit. No one at the commission could keep up with him like you could. As you walked back over to him, Five could see the look on your face waiting for him to elaborate. 

"I was just thinking-" Five starts to explain before being cut off

"Ah, so you were thinking!" You comment back

"Yes." Five replies letting out a small laugh "I was thinking about how this reminds me of our friendiversary a bit."

"Yeah, kind of, minus the food and flowers." You reply 

You were right, there was no food and flowers. How could he even think to compare the two times when this time wasn't as perfect? Quickly standing up from the desk, Five starts to make his way over to the door as he states worried,

"Do you want food and flowers?" 

Reaching out, you grab his hand preventing him from going any further. Stopping in his tracks he looks back towards you confused at your action. Gently, you pull his hand back towards you, causing him to come back close to you. With his hand still in yours, Five asks confused,

"Do you not want food and flowers?"

"No, Five."  You replied with a smile "I just want you."

For a moment, Five could feel his heart stop. Although his expression seemed calm and collected, internally he had no clue what to do. He was so preoccupied trying to figure out how to get back to 2019 so he could stop the apocalypse that he never stopped to think fully about what would happen when he actually did so. And it wasn't until he met himself that he even found out being a teenager again was a possibility. This was the most unprepared he had ever been and the nerves he felt on your friendiversary were nothing compared to the nerves he felt now. If you didn't want food or flowers then what could he do? And then from the radio, he heard the voice of the announcer,

"This is Arlo Vegas with 103.5 WKTU. I hope that even with all the doom and gloom outside today everyone can stay high and dry. Up next, a throwback to 2017 this is Adore by Dean Lewis."

I'm just gonna stand with my bag hanging off my left arm I'm just gonna walk home kicking stones at parked cars But I had a great night, 'cause you kept rubbing against my arm So I'm just gonna stand with my bag hanging off my left arm

Five looked towards the radio as the sound of a soft guitar slowly playing and the lyrics of the song enveloped the room. As the music played he remembered the part of your friendiversary that he could never forget. He remembered how the two of you danced that night and the joy he felt in that moment. Looking back towards you he nervously asked,

"Would you like to dance...with me?"

"I'd love to." You replied longingly

Five guided you the few steps towards the center of his room taking a quiet breath as he tried to calm his nerves. How did he do this so easily as a child? Oh right, he didn't realize he was in love with you then. Turning back to face you he saw as your eyes lit up and your smile widened. So much for breathing when you took his breath away so easily. Gently, he took one of your hands in his as he wrapped his other arm around your waist. You wrapped your free arm around his neck as the two of you slowly started to dance to the music.

Get me a drink, I get drunk off one sip, just so I can adore you I want the entire street out of town just so I can be alone with you Now go when you're ready My head's getting heavy, pressed against your arm I adore you

"So is this what your prom was like last week?" Five asked 

You looked up towards him slightly confused. How did he know about your prom? It took you a second to remember but you then recalled that he had come from the future so he had to have found out about it somehow. You recalled your prom only a week ago, it was fun to be with your friends but it was definitely not the same experience as dancing with Five. With a slight chuckle, you answer.

"No, it was not like this."

"Oh, why not?" Five questions

"Well dancing with you is quite different than dancing with Dean, because neither of us had dates and we pitied each other." You explained

"I wish I could've come a week earlier then. I would've saved you the pity by dancing with your brother." Five joked

"Wow, okay." You laughed

"I'm joking." Five explained, his expression softening as he added "I'd never pass up a chance to dance with you."

"Neither would I." you replied quietly

All of my money is spent on these nights, just so we can hang out Spacing in and out of your dresses, I wanna be found by you Found by you

As the two of you swayed you couldn't help but rest your head against his chest. A small smile appeared on your face as you closed your eyes and comfortably melted into the moment. Unconsciously, you started to stroke the hair at the back of his head casing Five to lean into your touch. It was so gentle and soft. Five could feel his heart start to pick up its pace. He hoped that you couldn't hear so because he had no clue how he would explain it to you. Granted, he knew all the words he wanted to say to you but he didn't know if he'd even be able to get them out. 

Get me a drink, I get drunk off one sip, just so I can adore you I want the entire street out of town just so I can be alone with you Now go when you're ready My head's getting heavy, pressed against your arm I adore you, I adore you

As your head rested on top of him a thought came to your mind. It was something that you hadn't done in a while and something you had desired to do. Lifting your head up, you look towards Five who looks back down towards you. Had he done something wrong? Did you hear how fast his heart was beating? Quietly you ask,

"Will you spin me?"

Relief washes over Five's system as he gives you a soft smile.

"Of course I will," He replies

Slightly breaking away from you he helps to twirl you around, the smile on your face filling his heart to the point he felt it was going to burst. Your laughter filled the room as you enjoyed your time with your best friend. You couldn't think of anything to make the moment better. Five spins you back in towards him before spinning you out once more. As you spin out quickly your grip on his hand slips and you start to fall back. Quickly, Five flashes over and catches you. His arms wrapped tightly around your waist as yours find their way around his neck. 

She kicks the gutter in tight shorts, basketball courts Watch me, watch her talk to boys I'm known as a right-hand slugger Anybody else wanna touch my lover?

The two of you look at each other both trying to catch your slight breaths from the burst of adrenaline that just occurred. 

"I told you I wasn't going to let you fall." Five comments

It was too late for that though. You had fallen for him years ago in a situation exactly like this one. There was something different about it this time, an energy you had never felt before. Your eyes were still locked on each other he slowly brought you back up. The soft bridge of the song played in the back but all either of you could hear was the beating of your own hearts. Wrapped up tightly in each other's arms there was no space between the two of you. Each of you wanted to say so many things, wanted to shout the thoughts that raced in your mind, the ones you always had, but no words came out. As Five stood there with you in his arms he finally started to understand what you meant back in the 60s when you said the pieces would fall into place. Everything about this moment felt right like it was meant to be. Like he was meant to be here with you. As you continued to look into each other's eyes there was a magnetism that pulled you closer. Your faces inched closer as the space between you lessened more and more. For a moment you both wondered if you were dreaming but no, this was real. You were here with each other. And as the climax of the final verse hit, your eyes closed as your lips gently pressed against each other.

Get me a drink, I get drunk off one sip, just so I can adore you I want the entire street out of town just so I can be alone with you Now go when you're ready My head's getting heavy, pressed against your arm Just to adore you

Tenderly, you both expressed everything you wanted to tell the other without saying any words at all. The years of pining and longing to be reunited had finally culminated into something beautiful. Something you both had desired for a very long time. The world around you faded away leaving only the two of you and your newly acknowledged love for each other. Removing his arms from your waist he took your face in his hands, pulling you closer and deepening the kiss. He never wanted to leave this moment. This was all he ever wanted, this is what he survived and fought for and now to have it? It felt unreal to him. But it was real. He had you, and you had him, and nothing would ever take that away now.

I adore you

Neither of you wanted to be the first to part from the kiss but as the final lyric of the song ended the two of you slowly separated. With eyes still closed, you rested your foreheads against each other, relishing in the beautiful moment. As Five held you close, he knew he needed to tell you something. Even if he had expressed it in his kiss to you, he wanted to verbalize it, to make it know and make it real. Moving one of his hands from your cheek to your chin, he tilted your face up to look at him. As he gazed into your eyes, with adoration in his voice, he whispered,

"I love you, (Y/N)."

You could feel your stomach flutter with butterflies as you processed his words. There was nothing you wanted to hear more than those words. Finally getting to express how you felt, you replied breathlessly,

"I love you too, Five. You know what this means now though."

"What?" Five questioned

"You can never leave me again." You answer

"I promise nothing will ever tear us apart again. Not people, not distance, not time, nothing." 

The two of you looked at each other lovingly before leaning in for another kiss. As you did so the siblings in the other room saw everything. 

"Awww," Vanya said as she placed a hand over her heart

"They're so cute!" Allison exclaimed

"They are not!" Diego remarks angrily as he tries to make his way to the door "I'm going to go in there and stop him."

"Luther, stop him." Allison requests

Doing as she says, Luther wraps his arms around Diego from behind and picks him off the ground. Kicking his legs and wriggling around, Diego fights like a child trying to escape Luther's grasp.

"That is my little princess! I need to put a stop to this!" Diego complains

"She is 18, you need to let her live her life," Allison replies

"Not with him! The one who ruined it." Diego retorts

"I don't think she sees it that way," Vanya interjects

As the other siblings argue with Diego, Ben leans over to Klaus and states,

"If I was alive you would owe me $20 bucks right now. I told you they'd come back and get together before Allison and Luther would."

"Oh, shut up," Klaus replies

The rest of the group looks over to Klaus before looking back at the still flailing Diego.

"Klaus makes a good point. You need to drop this and shut up Diego." Allison states

"I will not!" Diego replies back

"If you don't calm down, drop the issue, and let them be happy I will rumor you into doing so." Allison threatens

It takes a moment but Diego soon stops his fighting. He was not going to be rumored into ignoring the situation but for now, he would put it off. Letting out a huff, Diego relents,

"Fine."

"Good, now let's shut down this camera and just leave them be. We can talk to them later." Luther commands as he puts Diego back down

And so as the siblings tried to quietly file out of Ben's room and go off to do other things, this version of Five and you stayed happily together ready to take on whatever the future threw at them.

____________________________________

Taglist: @xplrreylo @joebob15274 @insatiable-ivy @fruitsaladtree @angelpeachamber @academy-umbrella @lizziel1410 @ir3neeee @faith-quake @aliens-with-colas @sunsetcurve-1995 @lady-celeste25 @im-dead-and-hurting @nerdypinupcrystal @cherry-ki-d @anapocalypseinmymind @vicassa @2cuteforyourlies @taylorsmakingfuckingmacandcheese @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @cheshire-salvatore-mikaelson @shadowycreationcupcake @emily-hargreeves @metor-showers1994 @fivehargreevesforthewin @rinko-san @supernovavision @cicilisthebest @flickbix @hi-v-juice @magykal-777 @zosiaduda @thethirdwheelfriend @mysticracoon @isnt-it-loverly @officiallydarkgeek @lady1505 @always-the-very-worst @tinypandagirl @libidinexx @lemongrabbuns @itwasallred @deadandoverit @shlokage @keksi249 @theoriginalkat @we-stan-fiction @bi-idiot-fanfics @annnagennnie @izzyjojo4 @megasimpleplan4ever @flowertoty @grabthemoneyandletsgo @itsametaphorbriansblog @vanillacaramelhoney @satvaldiva @disaster-magician @margotsfandoms @emily-b-m @bluechildrenlickmytoes @soft-slytherin-sweetie @oceanspray5 @im-here-for-fanfics @thebloodrobin @freestarlight @starcurrent @lilacs-lavender @moatsnow @give-the-boy-a-hug @narikyuwu @whenyouregrungeaff @gabriella-aesthetic @xxtwizztedxx

#The Umbrella Academy #Umbrella Academy #umbrella acedmy #tua #tua2 #UA #number five #five hargreeves #five hargreeves x reader #the umbrella academy five #umbrella academy five

[sleepyowlwrites]

find the word tag CCLV

mug of choice tonight is one my sister gave me. on the one side it says "gummy rice ball, I like that" and on the other it says "uh huh" which are, fortunately or unfortunately, things I have said to her. I know "uh huh" as an inside joke sounds really boring but you'd be wrong! it's actually very cute, because everything involving my sister is cute. coincidentally @diphthongsfordays is sponsoring this post. I might have mix-matched the tags a bit.

silence (summon story d0)

“That was a shidha, right?” He still whispered the question rather than speak it aloud. No one answered, and in the silence he became aware of the muted sounds Shae was making from where she was curled up against the far wall.

Zan pushed himself up from his knees so he could slide across the floor to sit beside her. Shae drew in her shoulders when he approached, so Zan waited for her breathing to even out before he reached for her hands, keeping his own in full view. He raised them up as gently as he could, but Shae continued to shake regardless. Painful, stuttered breaths exited her lips.

stillness (summon story d0)

Erin smiled in the exact way Zan disliked, something between cold and harmless. “You would know.”

The air in the room went dead with stillness while Wryn stared at Erin, their skin becoming nearly translucent, revealing cracked bones and burned tissue beneath. Zan could tell that Erin regretted her statement but she’d never apologize. She had not once given over a point in a discussion even when it was clear she knew she’d said something wrong. This was undoubtedly a character flaw, but Zan always felt like Erin wore her intractable offenses proudly. They’d been summoning together for a few months now and he still couldn’t wrap his mind around how she operated.

sky (the sleepy stash - I have no memory of writing this)

when the sky falls down there is no respite when the earth meets the moon there is no reprieve in sight when the sun goes dark the only end to the screaming is when the fated one stops dreaming when the nightmare opens up its eyes

shallow (the illusion, 2015?)

I ran, with whatever reserves remained in my exhausted body. My legs felt like twigs, bending and about to break each time my feet met the ground. Verain ran alongside me now, flashing me an encouraging smile, one hand on my elbow to propel me forward when I slackened. Finally, we made it to a ford. Torash jumped down into the shallow water. Verain pushed me in after him. With one hand from each guiding me across the slippery rocks, we made it to the opposite side and staggered out of the water.

silver (magick story supplemental)

Viola seems far more formidable than her brother, even though they’re the same age. Ander’s hair went grey before Viola’s did, streaking through the black in a shocking way while his face remained an unlined amber. Now that he’s past his prime, the silver that has nearly overtaken the rest makes more sense, but Viola only has a smattering of white sparks nestled in with her mahogany curls.

shiver (youth story supplemental)

“Can you pick up the end of my scarf?"

Daniel plucked the fabric from the ground as asked, brushing off the dirty particles before tucking it back where it belonged. “Isn’t this R’s?”

“Yeah. I stole it.” Nyks shivered even as he melted against Daniel’s side, trying his best to steal whatever warmth he could from his friend.

For his part, Daniel was always happy to oblige in cuddles, so he just wrapped his arms around Nyks’ middle like an additional scarf, but one that actually generated heat.

shard (alchemy, 2019)

Vials of poison, pieces of eight I swallowed it all in one mistake Think if I hold you closer It'll cancel the shards of glass?

You called I didn't answer My body already cold You took my heart My lifeless hands Transformed them into gold

shrink (sew you to my sky, 2020)

If I stitched your constellations into the quilt of my night sky Would you watch over me as I slept? I feel like the stars shrink in the winter Like even though they’re made of fire They can feel the chill brought on by the change in seasons I wrap myself in your weight and bury my face and sorrows in the folds of you There are yards of fabric waving goodbye by the time I meet up with my old friend sleep

I should go meet up with my old nemesis, sleep. *thoughts happen* finger, feather, falter, father, faster. BONUS: frantic, frenzy. @gwens-fiction @talesofsorrowandofruin @sleepy-night-child @ink-fireplace-coffee @yejidoesthings @mp-golfin OR ANYBODY

#find the word tag #tag game #searching circle #alliteration agency #unnecessary narration

[gaphic]

@geeeny02 @ivehadanapophany @lastoneout

THANKS FOR ENABLING ME YALL

ok so, this isn't a criticism of the movie Raya so much as an observation of a corner disney have been steadily painted into with their most well-known IP: The Princesses.

It's pretty clear the studio has been struggling with their princesses for a while now- all of their live-action remakes have made painstaking (and painful) attempts to 'update' their female protagonists, and a lot of those changes are taking aim at the same problem: being a princess needs to like,,,, Mean something nowadays

Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora, Belle, Tiana, and Rapunzel all essentially become princesses as a reward for being Good. Their royalty is completely meaningless, it's just the romantic idea of 'being a princess' that little girls love.

Ariel goes from being a princess to being a princess and it means nothing, Jasmine's beef with her station in life has barely anything to do with being a princess (forced marriage isn't exactly exclusive to royalty!) and Merida just gets the exact same conflict but worse

Pocahontas stands out as the first princess to not really be a princess, but she's also the ONLY princess based on a person we objectively know existed, and thus a huge outlier. Mulan is the real change. She isn't royal at all, and I get the sense she was only included in the princess brand because... what else were they going to do with her? All their other animated leading women were united, one IP under marketing, amen. So it was either market Mulan alone, which would be strange, or sneak her in with the princesses and really push her more feminine outfits. Breathing a sigh of relief, disney went back to their usual fodder with Tiana and Rapunzel

...Then there was Frozen.

I honestly think it was a coincidence, but Frozen introduced the idea of the princess doing actual royal activities. There's a coronation, a state dinner with ambassadors, a hint of power struggle when Elsa leaves! And then the movie was a SMASH fucking hit and revitalized the hell out of disney's image.

By this time the romantic image of The Disney Princess has long lost its shine, so the mouse is RABID to recapture that success.

Moana gets an aesthetic stand-in for a coronation with the shots including her headdress, and the first act of the movie sets up that she's being groomed to take over one day. She makes executive decisions and helps solve problems, but her being a princess still doesn't really matter to the story, and while the movie was a huge hit, Princess Moana didn't quite slot into the brand like her predecessors did

Frozen 2 got weirder. More vague allusions to governing with evacuating Arendelle, then Elsa is hastily de-princessed and Anna becomes queen offscreen with NO buildup

The live-action remakes? Well. They change the characters a lot. But their relationship to royalty stays very much the same. At first. Frozen comes out in 2013, Moana 2016, in 2017 Beauty and the Beast said nothing substantive about monarchy (just like the live action Cinderella + Maleficent) and everyone on earth hated it, and in 2019? We got Girlboss Jasmine. Oh dear.

Girlboss Jasmine is a PRINCESS alright! She wants to be the sultan! She has no formal policy in mind, but she gestures at slogans like 'my people make the city beautiful' and does complex political maneuvering like... reading maps. But nobody really likes that either

Mulan 2020 basically offloads the princess angle entirely and everyone hates that too

ENTER RAYA.

Did you even notice Raya is a princess? Raya is a princess. She's like the combination of both Frozens and Moana, having the vaguest possible allusions to the responsibility of her position (through her father, NOT herself!!!) and then rushing off on an adventure where her royalty is utterly irrelevant (the movie would actually be better if Raya wasn't a princess- if she was a servant in the palace who didn't know exactly what happened and thought she'd been betrayed by her leaders. If her rival was the princess of her country and that betrayal was the source of her distrust, rather than a broken 30-minute friendship with a total stranger) and doesn't even provide any glamour or romance. And then the movie bombed.

I highly doubt disney will stop trying to do princesses because of this, but I do think they're officially out of ideas. The only way to REALLY justify a character being a princess going forward would be to incorporate it into the story (because nobody is interested in that 'princess as a reward' shit anymore) and there's just no way to do that without a lot of bad press. Cause once you acknowledge a character's responsibilities as a royal in the plot, you're kinda forced to portray it either positively or negatively. Negative depictions ain't marketable. Positive depictions would be pro-monarchist propaganda

You might say 'well they could just go the Mulan route, and use 'princess' as a figurative term' and they are sure as fuck trying to do that in some of their marketing initiatives, but it's just not hitting. Not like they want it to. You can really only play that game with literal babies, because any girl over the age of 10 has developed enough cognition to feel condescended to by the insistence that every woman who accomplishes something is a 'princess'

Committing to that direction would constitute an admission that disney doesn't know or care how to market female protagonists without slapping a crown on them and adding them to the monolith. That's bad press disney doesn't need.

im sure some people will be disappointed by this but i hate monarchy so

[the-healing-mindset]

This is one that I have been wanting to tackle directly for quite some time. I have done so in roundabout ways so far, but I think this sums it up perfectly.

Know Your Worth

   “You must find the courage to leave the table if respect is no longer being served.” - Tene Edwards

I have been seeing that quote a lot lately. And from a personal standpoint, it is relatable. Reflecting on my life and doing the deep inner work that I have been doing since 2019, I have realized that the major source of trauma and grief that I experienced during childhood and still feel effects of to this day came from my family. This is difficult to talk about, considering I still live in very close proximity to them, but by doing so, I hope that I may help others to put into perspective any potential familial psychological/mental abuse, and to finally heal from the effects of that.

Having had a relatively difficult experience in University, I always wanted someone to talk to about the issues I was experiencing. Of course, I thought I could turn to my family, immediate and/or extended, to get some support or to vent as I didn’t really have that support from friend groups or other resources at school. That was not the case however. I found that not only would I not receive any comfort or advice, I would also be ridiculed and told that none of my efforts to get myself through my chosen program of study were worthwhile and that I should just give up.

On numerous occasions have I discovered that extended family members went behind my back communicating with my mentors and other colleagues sharing the struggles that I had not shared with anyone else. Not that these struggles were anything major, but at the very least, they were things that I wanted to clear out of my mind but not necessarily have shared with anyone else. But that is how my conversations with my family members are handled. Nothing can ever stay between me and the person I share things with. Not even my within my immediate family.

Already operating on this eroded trust with my family, I began to draw direct connections between the way things are now and my childhood. And that was the light bulb moment. Often as a child, my family would call me “sensitive” and would continuously punish/demean me for expressing my emotions. But no matter how hard I tried, there was always something new that I was doing wrong. The rules were always changing. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t do that. Yet looking around me, everyone else did exactly those things and they were fine.

The resentment I have toward my family began way back in childhood. Ever since I was old enough to begin forming memories and making connections, I knew something was wrong. I dreaded family gatherings, but at the same time, I was always excited at the possibility at finally being able to be happy for once from their presence. I wanted to fit in. I remained optimistic, only to have that optimism crushed while at the event(s). Yet another thing that I had done “wrong.”

“You trust people too easily.” Yes. I sure do. Because I saw from an early age that there was absolutely no way that I could trust you. And I see now that I still can’t. Even after all these years.

Looking back through the years, it is easy to draw the parallels. They have the same exact behavioral patterns. They use the same tricks. While others have changed, they continue to be the same. And of course, they see nothing wrong.

It has taken me years to realize that I built up walls. Walls that to this day still stand. I know they exist. Hiding behind them hurts. And learning the intricacies of why they exist in the first place is even more painful at times. Having grown up with these people, the pain of being around them is familiar. I suppose that there is a part of most of us that wants to hang on to this pain because it is familiar. Because we have hope that our families will just allow us to be without continuing to put us down.

Letting go of it means that we have to start over. Starting over can be intimidating as we have already invested so much time and effort into certain modes of operation. It may seem as if it will be too demanding to start over with learning a new way of life, which often prevents us from starting in the first place. Don’t look at it this way though. What you have been through has given you experience that will assist you on the next phase of your journey. There is no need to worry. This experience will assist you in being much more efficient in completing the task of learning and growing as a person.

Ultimately what is needed is great distance from the individuals that cause us so much pain. In the beginning, it can seem next to impossible to get away. “How will I survive?” “What will life be like?” These questions arise because our confidence has been taken away by our abusive family members. Subconsciously, we believe that we can do nothing outside of their presence. At the same time, our sense of self-responsibility/care may be reduced. A negative self-image is present.

As difficult as it is, we must first and foremost trust ourselves. Once we leave, we must never go back. In the beginning, our minds may tell us that choosing to be out there on our own was a bad choice. That we should have stayed where we were because it was simple. Everything was predictable, even if it was bad. But we must never return. In the case of some of our families, that would only “prove” them right, making their inflated ego even bigger. 

In the end, you must choose you. You are more important than they are. Yes, there is care and love but in these cases, no matter how much you give to them, you will never get it back. You can do it. You are capable. You are worthy. You are deserving. Get out there and take it one day at a time. Don’t rush. This will only overwhelm you. Fall back on your routines. Show back up to what you know. Show back up to you.

#family trauma #childhood trauma #trauma tw #healing #recovery #letting go #growth #personal #abuse tw #emotional abuse #abuse mention #note to self #open journal #long post

[awrestlinggirlwholoves80sbands]

We are married now! ( 2019! Slaxl)

A/N: Here’s the sequel to this oneshot about Slash proposing to Axl. Because let’s be honest, current Slaxl deserves love too!

1992

Slash was smoking a cigarette, absently looking in the distance. They finally had a break from shooting, so he sat on the stairs of the church, frustration and tiredness rising in his chest.

He was so annoyed by Axl’s perfectionism, and by the whole storyline of that freaking music video. They were a rock band, they came from the streets, they were supposed to represent that, not filming about a love story and a wedding in a church in the middle of a desert!

But what irritated Slash the most was that he had to marry her!  He had to stand to watch Axl and that girl kissing over and over, watching her walking down the aisle and seeing the smile on his singer’s face. Even if he didn’t want to admit it, he knew he was supposed to be the one looking at the redhead like that, he should have felt Axl’s lips on his, held his hand or call him his husband.

Slash was the one to deal with the other man’s mood swing, he was the one taking care of him when he couldn’t get out of the bed, he comforted him after a nightmare, or made him feel safe whenever they were in Indiana.

Usually he wasn’t bother by things, but all of that really was testing his calm. Because deep down, he knew he was in love with Axl.

He was in love with Axl fucking Rose!

“Can I have one?” His singer’s deep voice said, sitting next to him.

Slash handing him one, not even looking him in the eyes.

“Are you angry Slash?” The redhead asked.

“No, I’m not.” The guitarist answered with a neutral tone.

“Oh fuck you Saul, I know you! I can see when you’re angry.”

“Yes, I’m fucking annoyed, okay?! You know how I feel about music videos. Plus we are a rock band, born from the streets and we are shooting a video in a stupid church in the desert.” Slash didn’t sound pissed, just tired and indifferent, or at least he tried to look like that.

Axl took a drag from his cigarette, then he looked the curly man into the eyes.

“It’s not just about that. I know that you hate music videos but you never behaved like an angsty teen!”

Saul laughed dryly, moving his hair out of his face, so Axl could see him better.

“I hate her. I freaking hate that backstabber witch so much. But most of all I hate the fact that she has to be the bride, that she is the one to kiss you!” He admitted, biting his lip.

The redhead seemed surprised by his confession,  but happy at the same time.

“It is about you, do you know that? November Rain is about you, I wrote it thinking about you. Not about Stephanie or Erin or any other girl.”

Now it was Slash’s turn to look surprised and confused.

“Bullshit! Then why is she here? Why you look like a freaking puppy around her?” He replied, bitterly.

Axl took a big breath, clenching his fists. Slash thought he was about to hit him or scream, but the other talked in a quiet tone, surprisingly.

“If I could I’d let you be the one. Fuck… if I could I’d marry you! You know what? I’m going to marry you, one day I’m going to fucking take you to the aisle, Saul Hudson! You’ll be my husband.

Slash felt a warm sensation in his heart, however his thoughts quickly water it down. He knew that Axl was still scared, still ashamed of liking him, he knew how he was still tormented by his religious past. He would have never

his hand in public or kissed him, and certainly he would have never married him.

He didn’t matter how many times he could have said “I love you” after sex, it was not possible for them to be together. Did he even really love him? So he just laughed.

“Well I hope you can manage to do that before 2020!” He said sarcastically, stomping on his cigarette, then walking away.

But before he could, Axl grabbed his wrist.

“I know it’s not a real one, but that’s my promise!” He stated firmly, he took a ring from his pocket and put it on Slash’s finger, the one he used in the wedding scene.

The guitarist gave in and brushed his lips against Axl’s, but then he walked away with a sad smile.

A part of him really hoped, that the other keep his promise.

2019

Slash was playing with the same ring Axl gave him years ago. He kept it with him after all this time, even when they hated each other or so they have thought.

Usually he was hardly nervous, but today he felt on the edge, probably the fact that he was about to marry the man of his life didn’t help.  But it was so useless to get worried : Axl loved him, most of the fans were supportive and even his two kids, London and Cash, were more than happy to have also “Papa Axl” with them!

Duff was his best man, and like the old times, he seemed to know the exact moment he needed to comfort somebody. He got in the room, and put his hands on Slash’s shoulder, feeling the other man tension.

“What’s wrong buddy? And don’t lie to me, I know you too well!”

“What if everything will go wrong, after we get married? Slash answered, still playing with his ring.

“Why should that happen? You both wanted to get married, and even your kids agree!” Duff said, calmly.

“Maybe I can’t be in a marriage? I’ve been in two and everything went to shit!”

“Yeah but your last one lasted 20 years! The point is that you two always loved each other, you probably wanted to do this since the early days! I know your brain is making you think shit but that’s not the truth!” Duff said firmly. “ Now just breathe and think about all the sappy things you two can do, as soon as you become husbands.” He added with a smile.

“We both want that and he loves me, everything will be okay. God, I bet Axl is so chill about this, while I’m the one freaking out this time!” Saul said with a laugh, ready to drive to their wedding location.

---

Axl was totally not chill. He was pacing the room, he felt anxious and worried, biting his lips.

“C’mon Ax, you’re being unreasonable right now. He proposed you! How couldn’t he want to be your husband?!” Izzy stated, sounding a bit annoyed.

Yes, Axl asked Izzy Stradlin to be his best man. Time passed and they were on good terms, at least enough to make Izzy accept to do this.

“What if it doesn’t work out? Fuck we haven’t spoken to each other for decades! We’ve been together for only three and a half years, what if it is too early?” The redhead shoot back.

Izzy sighed, rubbing his temples. Axl may have changed but some things about him didn’t.

“Look at me! You love him and he loves you, he proposed to you because he wanted you as his husband. He talked about you all the time, he was such a pain in the ass and we both know how your man is, if he doesn’t want to do something he won’t do it first!” The black haired man said, holding Axl’s shoulders steadily.

“Are you sure?”

“Fuck, yes Axl I’m sure! He came all the time in my hotel rooms, drunk as fuck, talking about how you were an asshole but also perfect and how we wanted you so bad! Now stop freaking out or I’ll call Beta.” He smiled and the redhead relaxed a bit.

“ It’s better if we go, because I don’t want to show up late this time too! And also because if I show up late, Slash I’ll say I’m the bride!” Axl said with a laugh.

---

Axl didn’t arrive late, however Slash was already there.

He stopped a moment to look at the beautiful  garden where they choose to marry, surrounded by red roses bushes, who made everything cheesy as fuck, but Axl loved it nonetheless. It was simply but also eccentric, just like him and Slash.

Then his eyes were fixed on his soon-to-be husband talking to Duff :he looked so good with his wild curls and his half open shirt, a little smile on his face and the ring he gave him years ago around his neck. They decided to use a replica of that as their wedding rings, because the redhead was that sentimental!

Somebody had to say something about the groom being there, because Slash turned around and he spotted Axl, his mouth slightly open and his eyes full of joy.

“You look stunning, my love. I really dig this suit!” He said smiling widely, eyes full of love.

“ I was very tempted to put on the same suit I had on during “November Rain” but unfortunately it doesn’t fit me anymore.” The other man replied, blushing and with a sad smile.

He was very self-conscious about his appearance, considering that Slash was still so fit and sexy to him. However his boyfriend wouldn’t never let Axl’s insecurities eat the man he loved.

“I like you better this way and if I wasn’t about to get married, I’d ask your number!” He joked with a smirk.

“You’re the same idiot I fell in love with. And your ass is still as great as it was in the 80s!” Axl whispered the last part, making Slash hiding behind his hair for a split second.

“Maybe we should go, or post marriage sex will become pre marriage sex!” The curly man grabbed his hand and led his almost husband  to the justice of the peace.

There were not many people, just their closest friends ( including Steven you was more than happy to join) and families. It was strange for two rock stars to save such a modest wedding, but they didn’t care, they just wanted it to celebrate their love with the people who accepted them.

“We are here today to celebrate the union of Axl and Saul, two men who decided to consolidate their love through marriage. Now you shall say your votes.” The judge said.

Axl stared it, taking a deep breath.

“I don’t think many of you know this but I promise to Slash that we would be married. It was 1992 and we were filming November Rain, and he was upset because he loved me too much to see him with another person. Little did he know that I was also totally in love with him, and if I could I was ready  to marry him right on the spot, and actually I said it to him but he was very stubborn that day, so he left me standing in the desert. Now almost 30 years later, he asked me to get married, with the same song I dedicated to him. Saul Hudson, you’re the love of my life. I’ve never been so happy until we got reunited and you decided to stay, you show me what a happy life was, you loved me with all my flaws, you never judged me but you were always there to help me. Sure we did some very stupid things back then, but I’d want nothing more than just be your husband and be at your side, in health and sickness and all that bullshit! Because me and you can’t be apart even if we want to!”

The redhead was trying his best to not cry, and honestly Slash started to have some difficulties with that too. He looked at Axl’s beautiful eyes and smiled softly.

“I thought that I wanted to marry you when I saw your smile during our concert in Austin, but that’s not the truth. Maybe I’ve always wanted it, or maybe when I saw you in that pirate style jacket, my heart went “marry him” while my head was “ he kind of looks like a douche bag”, but still I’ve dreamt this day for a while. People always think that I’m the one who saved you, that I tamed the angry and crazy beast named Axl Rose, but that’s not true. Axl Rose saved me too, he showed me how it was wonderful to be loved, because I didn’t know what love or happiness really was, until I met him, and not a single drug in the world can give me what my boyfriend gives me! So yeah, I will love you too in health and sickness, even if you don’t like much my snakes!”

Slash tried to laugh but he really felt the emotions taking the best of him, especially when he laid his eyes on the crying redhead in front of him.

“You can exchange your rings!”

Saul took Axl’s hand in his, and gently he put the ring on, a simple one but full of meaning for them. The other man did the same, kissing his future partner in life.

“By the authority vested in me by the State of California, I pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss!” The judge said with a smile.

Slash’s lips softly smashed on Axl’s one, as all the crowd erupted in a round of applause. But for the both of them time seemed to stop, what mattered was only the feeling of their lips linked and their hearts joined.

“You’re my husband, you are really my husband!” The curly guitarist said smiling.

“Told you I’d make it before 2020. You didn’t believe me, but I could never let you go away from me. Maybe for 20 years you did, but now we are tied!” Axl joked, but then he got serious again. “ Thank you so much for being the love of my life, Saul Hudson.”

“Thank you for have let me be the one, Axl Rose.”

---

In the big ballroom where they would eat, cut the cake and do their first dance, friends and family were already sitting down, talking happily to each other.

The married couple finally arrived, and they find Steven, Izzy and Duff talking at their table. Beta and part of his family was there too, along with Slash’s kids, while the rest of the current band sat at a near table.

“Yeah man, he was a pain in the ass. He was constantly talking about him when he was drunk, always saying that he hated him but he couldn’t stop loving him!” Izzy explained to Duff.

“Yeah, well also Slash was like that. He would complain that he didn’t understand him, that  he was a fucking psycho but he loved him and he would make him go crazy, one day!” Duff replied, rolling his eyes.

“Hey, fuck you Duff, that was supposed to be a secret!” Slash shoot back, annoyed.

“No no, I want to know. I was always so oblivious until 91!” Steven said, very excited.

Axl laughed, then he felt somebody getting closer to him.

“You know at first I wanted to punch him in the face, but now I can see how much you love each other. But if he breaks your heart, I’m going to really hurt him!” Beta said firmly, and Axl couldn’t help but smile at her over the protectiveness of his adoptive mom.

---

The light were turned a bit down, and the familiar notes of “Love of my life” by Queen started playing.

Slash took Axl’s hand in his and led him in the center of the dance floor.

“Are you nervous, my love?” Saul asked, surprised.

“I think this is the first ever slow dance we two had together” He answered nervously.

“Wrong. ’88 in that weird hotel in Florida, we danced in your room listening to the radio.”

“ I was drunk and you were high and we fell on the floor before we could finish the song!”

Slash laughed and brought his husband closer to him, so that the redhead could rest his head on his shoulder.

“I know you love Queen and we like this song, but why you have chosen this one?” The guitarist was curious, he knew that November Rain was not their song to dance, it was for the more intimate and important moment, when they needed to tell the other how much they loved them, like he did during his proposal.

“Sweet Child O’Mine was not an option, one because you hate the riff and two because it was not about you. Like well maybe it was a bit about you, but still it was not our song, while this one used to be the one that would make me think about you all the time!” The singer confessed, playing with the other man’s curls.

Slash led him, even made him spin a bit, then he gulped and looked him into the eyes.

“When I thought I had four weeks left of living, I left you a letter at the bottom of your door. I begged Izzy to tell me where you lived and I left it there, I thought that I was dying and I wanted you to read the letter where I explained everything, but then the next morning I took it away.” Slash blurted out nervously, feeling vulnerable and exposed.

“I read it, I read it and I thought it was a joke, that it was not true. I cried and almost smashed something and put it outside. Then the next morning I read the news and I understand it was true, you were dying and that letter was yours, but it was already gone. Fuck we are such two idiots!” Axl laughed but he also started crying.

Slash quickly wiped his tears, hugging him tightly.

“Shhh don’t cry baby. It’s okay, it’s a happy day!” He soothed him.

“You could have been gone, and I was suck a prick. You could have died and I was too resentful to give you a proper goodbye! You loved me even if I was broken and I did that!” He cried.

“Shhh babe, I’m here and I’m not gone. And it’s okay, I was a prick too, but what matters is that we are together and married. You were not broken baby and you deserve my love!” Saul kissed him, feeling his eyes tearing up a bit, too.

It was a slow and passionate kiss, all their love, passion and insecurities were in it. They held it for a while, before they started noticing people coming to the dance floor.

“You two are so in love, it is almost sickening!” Duff stated with a laugh.

“Leave them alone Duffy, they are so cute!” Steven chimed in.

“Thank you so much for coming here guys, this mean a lot to me, to us.” Axl said, squeezing Slash’s hand.

“Don’t get all sappy on us, Rosie. But yeah we love you too, and I think you guys should cut the cake now.” Izzy observed, pushing them lightly.

---

When they finally arrived at their home, they were tired as hell much so much happy.

“Well, this is our wedding night…” Slash started, laying on the bed.

“And?” Axl knew exactly where his husband was going, but he wanted to tease him a bit. Also, he was trying to feel less insecure about his body.

“Oh c’mon Rosie, you know what happens on the first wedding night! And before you even think about it, you’re so fucking hot in that suit, that I feel almost bad to want to take it off. Almost.

The redhead smiled, and got on top of the guitarist.

“Let’s do something before you fall asleep, Mr.Rose!” Axl teased, taking off his shirt.

“But you have to promise that you’ll be quiet, Mr. Hudson!” Slash shoot back with a laugh.

Married life never felt better for both men.

#guns n roses #slash #axl rose #steven adler #80srock #80s rock band #fanfic #fanfiction #slaxl #2019!slaxl #duff mckagan #izzy stradlin #guns n roses fanfic

[theasstour]

𝓜𝓸𝓸𝓷 𝓡𝓮𝓯𝓵𝓮𝓬𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓘𝓷 𝓪 𝓣𝓾𝓻𝓽𝓵𝓮 𝓟𝓸𝓸𝓵 𝓫𝔂 𝓜𝓪𝓻𝓲𝓪𝓷𝓷𝓮 𝓝𝓸𝓻𝓽𝓱

𝓯𝓲𝓬 𝓹𝓪𝓰𝓮 | 𝔀𝓸𝓻𝓭 𝓬𝓸𝓾𝓷𝓽: 15k 𝓝𝓑: 𝓪𝓵𝓬𝓸𝓱𝓸𝓵, 𝓮𝔁𝓹𝓵𝓲𝓬𝓲𝓽 𝓵𝓪𝓷𝓰𝓾𝓪𝓰𝓮, 𝓯𝓪𝓽𝓼𝓱𝓪𝓶𝓲𝓷𝓰, 𝓼𝓮𝔁𝓾𝓪𝓵 𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓽𝓮𝓷𝓽, 𝓿𝓲𝓸𝓵𝓮𝓷𝓬𝓮

A/N: biggest thanks to @shepherald for being bb’s italian auntie! ilysm!

Friday, 9 August 2019

First thing Y/N realised when she woke up was that she was still wearing her dress. Her thighs and neck were clammy from having slept a full summer night in too many layers. Slowly, she opened her eyes, only to realise that the hard thing she was resting her neck on was an arm. Harry laid on his back, arm outstretched for Y/N while the other one was bent and rested on the pillow above his head. During the night, Viola had gotten into bed with them. She laid comfortably right between them, cosying up in each of their body heat without a care in the world.

The morning outside was sunny as it always was, birds chirping, and an old moped struggling up the hill through Fosdinovo. The sheer white curtains swayed ever so slightly with the wind, swishing along the floor, the motion almost lulling Y/N back to sleep. But then she averted her eyes to look at her companion instead.

Harry’s mouth was open ever so slightly, eyes closed, his short dark eyelashes contrasting starkly with his skin even though he had acquired quite a tan always working outside. He looked so peaceful like that. Nothing bothered him. He was so completely taken by sleep, chest moving in a comforting rhythm, and if you looked close enough, you could just see the slight vibrations of the beating of his heart with the ruffles resting on his chest.

“Know you’re awake.”

His voice was much darker in the mornings. His vocal cords rough, eyes still closed, but Y/N could tell they were a little swollen from a short sleep. At the sound of his voice she blinked a little, watching him breathe steadily for a few seconds before she found her words.

“You’re awake.”

“And you’re not snoring anymore.” He said, eyes fluttering open. They landed on the ceiling right above them but slowly, like he was preparing himself for something, he glanced at her. A curl fell onto his forehead, Y/N was tempted to reach up and place it back where it’d been earlier, but she thought he looked almost prettier like this; a little dishevelled, completely relaxed, not caring about anything but her.

She huffed, readjusting her head so that the pressure of Harry’s arm was on a different spot. “Got a lot of nasal tissue that flops around, makes me snore loads.”

“Know that’s why people snore. I don’t mind you snoring.”

Harry started moving around as well, but his intentions of getting closer to Y/N halted when he noticed Viola placed neatly between them. With his free hand, he reached down and stroked Viola gently, watching as she stretched and leaned into his touch. Y/N watched Harry’s face, the tiniest of smiles tugging at the corners of her lips. Somehow, the fact that Harry didn’t mind her snoring, when it had been something she’d struggled with her whole life, meant more to her than she thought it would.

“Make a lot of noise while you’re awake and while you’re asleep.”

Y/N laughed at this, and seeing Harry giggle as well awoke all the butterflies in her tummy.

“I’m just an early riser.” He continued, looking up at her again. Bloody hell, his eyes… she thought, admiring how they looked golden in the early morning light.

“And if I can sleep till 2pm, I will.” Y/N said, yawning.

“Basically,” Harry started as he lifted his hand off of Viola to touch Y/N. But Viola quickly started moving, demanding his attention. He placed his hand back on her. “You’re saying you don’t like waking up early. Like, at all.”

“I’d rather be sleeping.” She closed her eyes again, cursing Viola for having Harry wrapped around her little finger.

“Do you want me to leave so you can sleep some more?”

“Why can’t I sleep while you’re here?”

She could hear the small smile in his voice as he said, “Thought you might want to be alone.”

Y/N opened her eyes, raising her eyebrows at him. “When do I ever?”

For some reason, the smile that had been on Harry’s lips slowly evaporated. Some kind of seriousness filled his face, it took Y/N a bit by surprise. This time, he didn’t care about Viola’s complaints as he removed his hand. Gently, he placed it on Y/N’s cheek, his thumb caressing her so lightly that she wouldn’t have felt it if all her senses hadn’t focused on Harry in front of her and his touch. She noticed him swallowing, saw his Adam’s apple bob with his struggle to remove the lump from somewhere in his throat.

“Non andartene, celeste.” He mumbled so faintly it was basically a whisper.

“Hm?” her eyes were wide, waiting for Harry to translate for her.

His eyes fell to her shoulder, letting his hand stroke down her cheek, jaw, and neck. Sliding his index finger tenderly over her outline; the crook of her hips, the soft edges of her waist. All she knew in those seconds were his finger, nothing else mattered.

“I’ve painted this landscape multiple times,” he said, eyes on his wandering hand. “Can paint it by memory now.”

Had he? Painted it – her – by memory? Had he thought about her as much outside of work as she had about him? Had they wasted weeks trying to be polar opposites when they weren’t? Had they tried to hate one another longer than they had to because they knew giving in, admitting that there was something there, would hurt more than ignoring it altogether?

“Wonder if I’ll ever be able to visualise the physical pain I feel in my chest when I think about you leaving in six days.”

She didn’t want to think about that. There was a whole life waiting for her back home in England; uni, obligations, her family, friends. But she did not want to leave Italy; did not want to leave Harry. Not after everything they’d just admitted and all the time they had to make up for. Six days wasn’t enough; would never be enough. She was simply not strong enough to lay in her bed, looking at Harry who had promised not to leave her, and think about the fact that she was leaving in under a week.

She got up from the bed, walking over to the wardrobe. She heard Harry sitting up in bed, felt him watch her as she opened the double doors and reached for something laying on the little top shelf.

“When I first moved into the flat, I found a painting in this wardrobe.” She pulled it down, taking a glance at the autumn painting depicting a gravel path leading nowhere into darkness. Turning around, she walked back over to the bed, handing the painting to Harry. “That’s only one of like, two of your paintings I’ve really seen, other was one of the sea back in your house. Mind if I ask what inspired this one?”

Harry held up the painting, eyes taking it in feverishly like he was scanning it for past mistakes. Lips parted, he let out a deep sigh that had been held in for what felt like years. Resting it on his knees he continued to just look at it, clearly not having thought about this exact piece in a long while. Y/N sat down in bed, bringing her feet up with her and leaning on her hand as she joined him in looking at the painting.

“It’s the drive to my house back in Manchester. The drive up to my childhood home, or… this is facing the other way.” He explained, dragging his finger gently along the gravel path. “It’s what you see when you’re leaving.” He shifted the attention of his finger to the trees of different colours. “Autumn, the dull colours…” he trailed off, as if reliving a memory he’d almost suppressed; something he’d pushed so far into the back of his head it had almost vaporised and disappeared into nothingness. “This was when I left home, when I first moved to London.” He pointed at the darkness at the end of the gravel path. “That’s the end of the road, I couldn’t make it out clearly. My future, I mean. It’s all supposed to represent uncertainty.”

“I can see that.” Y/N nodded, studying the painting as Harry removed his hand. “You lived in London before you moved to Italy?”

“Yeah,” Harry studied the painting. “Moved out when I was 18, had some money from working retail since I was 15. Saved up and all that. Moved to London where I sold my first painting, and quickly started painting more for more people. After three years of that, I felt like I was drained, I needed to find someplace else where I could find inspiration. Life in London wasn’t it anymore. So, I moved to Italy.” He took a deep breath. “Had some idea of what I was getting myself into, knew the language some, so I went to Milan. Lived there till I was around 23, doing the same I did in London; selling paintings till I was drained and tired of the place.”

“How can you get tired of Milan?”

Harry huffed. “There’s enough to do in Milan and the city’s beautiful, but the people on the other hand…”

Y/N chuckled. “What?”

“Let’s just say some of the entitled twat millionaires I painted for made it easy to leave.”

She smiled, glancing at the painting as Harry continued to talk.

“Didn’t want to leave Italy, though, so I moved to Rome, did the same there for about a year. City drained me, as you can tell by the previous pattern.”

She giggled.

“And then I moved up North to Tuscany; to Fosdinovo. Thought maybe a small village would do me good as I’d only ever lived in major cities my entire life.” Harry fell quiet, a slight crease forming between his eyebrows. “For the first time since Jamie, I made a genuine friend. Or I thought I did.” He fell quiet, taking a breath. “Salvatore and I got on right away. He taught me some Italian, I showed him how to paint and draw, and I let him in, didn’t hold anything back. I got to be part of his friend group; Carina, Rin, and Meo. The five of us hung out all the time, and some of those days were the best of my life.” He rested his hands on top of the canvas. “Suddenly though, I realised I’d taken a proper fancy to Carina. Gotten myself a little crush. Got all blushy when she was around and all that stuff. Somehow managed to ask her out on a date and she accepted. I was excited about this, so I went to my closest friend in Fosdinovo to ask advice on where to take her. When Salvatore heard those news, he didn’t seem as excited as I thought he was gonna be. Two of his mates were dating, wasn’t that something to be happy about?”

Harry rose from the bed, walking over to the wardrobe and placing the painting back where Y/N had kept it all summer.

“But I went on the date, and Carina… she didn’t seem that interested. She looked around all the time, which was fair, everyone’s allowed to look wherever they wanna.” Harry scratched at his jaw. “Kind of broke my heart a little, ‘cause I’d gone through the trouble of asking her out, but she didn’t fancy me like that after all. But it’s fine. It was worth a shot, I guess. Even though it made me look like a right fool. I walked her home and apologised if I’d made this awkward, though she assured me I hadn’t.”

Harry sat down on the floor before the bed so he was facing Y/N properly. Viola suddenly jumped down and snuggled into his leg, he immediately started petting her.

“When I got back to my house… Salvatore was sat on my steps, very clearly drunk, and insisted that he needed to tell me something. He said we had to take it inside ‘cause someone could overhear and he didn’t want that…” Harry frowned, eyes on Viola. “I feel like I’ve got no business saying this because it’s Salvatore’s right to say it out loud, not me but… he told me he was in love with me, that… that he knew I loved him, too. When I told him I loved him as a brother, he got quiet for like a minute before he told me he was only joking around, and then left in a hurry.”

Y/N was about to say something but stopped herself.

“Salvatore isn’t out yet, and I don’t even know what he identifies as – not that I need to -, so I shouldn’t have said that… but it’s part of the whole story and why living here the past year or so has been shit.” Harry sighed. “We didn’t talk to each other for a week, and when I finally met with the gang again, Sal and Carina sat very close. She… she pulled me aside and told me she hoped it was fine that she was dating Salvatore.”

Y/N didn’t know what to say. It all made so much more sense now, and she understood the awkward tension at the pub the week prior.

“Told her she was free to date whoever she wanted to.” Harry continued, scratching Viola behind her ears. Y/N saw his shoulders move with a deep sigh. “I was the newest member of the little group, and now also the most controversial as being there only made things unpleasant and tense with Sal and Carina and I. So, I took a step back and slowly isolated myself from the whole friend group.”

Y/N wanted to reach over and take Harry’s hand. Wanted to show him that no matter what, he didn’t have to feel as shitty as he once had. She was there.

“Suddenly the whole town knew, as it always does, and I just stayed in my house. When I finally left It, people were looking at me funny and it was… embarrassing. I felt proper stupid. I had already put up a wall from my past experiences back home, growing up basically without parents and always being the second choice every time, I’ve never really had anyone close, but this… being left and being alone again… it hurt.”

There was a heaviness in Y/N’s chest after hearing Harry talk. Hearing how bad he’d felt, how bad the people he considered to be his closest companions had treated him, it made her feel so incredibly sad. She never wanted him to feel like that. Never again.

She didn’t take her eyes off him as she said, “Carina was in love with Salvatore the whole time? While she was on a date with you?”

Harry nodded. “Think she tried to date me to get a reaction out of Salvatore, and though that’s a shitty move, she’s not a bad person, I swear.”

Y/N sighed, dragging a hand through her hair. “Yeah, I know. She seems very nice.”

Harry glanced at her for a few moments, eyes scanning her face. Once he figured she was being sincere with her compliment to Carina, he glanced back down at Viola. Y/N bit her lip, trying not to ask the question that was resting at the tip of her tongue. Though she had always found it very hard to resist talking.

“Is that why you fall in love so easily?”

Harry looked up at her again. “How do you mean?”

“With Carina being so nice and all…”

“You mean if I fall in love easily because people are nice to me?”

“Dunno,” Y/N shrugged her shoulders. “That’s how I fell for Noah. He treated me better than others, he was very nice to me, so I fell in love.”

“Think there’s more to falling in love than that,” Harry said, letting a small chuckle leave his lips before he lifted his gaze to look at her. “I mean, I’ve-“ Just as their eyes met, he stopped talking. It was as if his brain had built a protective wall somewhere in his throat, refusing him to say whatever his heart wanted him to.

Y/N felt her body grow hot and she looked away, just as Harry cleared his throat, still looking at her.

“Look,” he started, clearly eager to forget what had just happened. “Do you still wanna go to the wedding after what happened last night? We don’t have to.”

She huffed, picking at some fluff on her duvet. “Harry, you can still go-“

“-I’m not going without you.”

Her fingers tingled, Harry’s words doing wonders as they always did when he used them right. He sounded genuinely desperate, something that made her very happy, as she wanted him to want her around like she wanted him around. Mutually crazy about one another.

She sighed. “I’ll feel bad for Marco if I don’t show up and taste his cake. Could we maybe only attend the reception?”

“Got it.” Harry gave Viola a small boop to her nose before he got up from the floor. “I’ll pick you up around seven, yeah?”

“You’re leaving?”

As he reached the front door, he turned around. A hand on the door handle and the other one in his pocket. “I… I have to deal with something. I’ve been postponing the meeting all morning ‘cause I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye.”

Y/N furrowed her brows at him, ignoring Viola as she started meowing for Harry to cpme back so he could cuddle her. “I woke up before you.”

A crooked smile appeared on his face. “No.”

She bit her lips together, refusing to let herself burst out into fists of giggled because she thought Harry looked fit with that wry smile on his face. Besides, he had stayed in bed, not moved a single muscle, because he didn’t want to wake her.

“And I also promised to tell you everything last night. I don’t break a promise.”

Fuck it, she thought, grinning at him.

“I’ll pick you up at seven.” Harry repeated, turning the handle and opening the door.

“Rin told me the other day that Italian wedding receptions start around 3pm.” Y/N blurted out; Harry stopped. “If we’re skipping the church bit, won’t we have to show up at 3pm?”

Harry shook his head. “I couldn’t give less of a fuck, to be honest. We show up when we want to.”

Y/N smiled a little.

“If we’re going to go by Italian wedding rules, we also have to show up and give the couple money as a wedding gift.”

She furrowed her brows. “Money? Not anything else? You can’t be creative?”

“It’s called la busta. Basically you give the couple money so you can pay for your part in the reception, if it makes sense?” Harry shrugged his shoulders. “They put the money together at the end and pay the restaurant back, and all that. The remaining sum is used on their honeymoon. But since Fosdinovo is basically just a huge family, I doubt Salvatore and Carina have to pay much.”

“Ahh,” Y/N nodded. “Can you give normal gifts as well?”

“Probably, but it’s not normal for people to. Think if you’re a close friend and you had money problems, for example, you could give another gift to the couple.”

Y/N nodded again, giving him a smile. “Alright. I won’t keep you from your meeting.”

“See ya then.”

He nodded, taking a final look at her sitting on her bed, the bright morning sun shining in on her. “Have a good day, Y/N.” And then he closed the door.

Y/N quickly looked down at Viola who was sleeping on the floor now, just where Harry had left her. Sighing, she ran a hand over her cat’s fur, nodding her head a little.

“I know, Viola. I know.”

Y/N loved dressing up. Putting on nice clothes made her feel good about herself, it made her feel fancy and pretty. She liked feeling that way. So she usually made an effort when she woke up in the mornings, just because she knew she herself would appreciate it.

For the reception, Y/N had put on a black satin pleated midi dress along with her knee socks. Though the Italian summer was humid and hot, she knew Harry would like her wearing them, and she’d put them on just to see his reaction. She was sat doing her makeup when her phone buzzed with a text. Eager to see who wanted to get a hold of her, Y/N checked her phone, though she had to take a little double take at first to make sure she got the name correctly.

Rin Where are you?

Y/N was flattered that Rin had waited for her arrival, but confused as to why she thought she’d show up after everything.

Y/N Home.

Rin Why? You were invited to the wedding, weren’t you?

This had her frowning and she quickly typed out a response.

Y/N Yes, but I didn’t want to go.

Rin What’s going on?

Y/N It’s Salvatore innit? He didn’t tell me he was getting married.

This caused Rin to halt for a few seconds.

Rin He never told you?

Y/N No, does he act like he did with me around other girls too? Is that why you didn’t stop him at the pub?

Rin He flirts harmlessly, but that was way over the line. I didn’t know how to properly react.

Y/N ran a hand through her hair, hating this whole situation. Rin had become her mate and she should’ve told her she wasn’t coming. But at the same time, why had Rin expected her to?

Y/N That’s okay, it wasn’t your fault. I’ll see you at the reception.

Rin Can’t wait!

Y/N smiled a little, putting her phone down to finish her makeup. However, she was very rudely interrupted not long after by a pebble hitting her window. Immediately, she knew who it was. She looked outside, seeing Harry stand on the street below, looking up at her with a soft smile on his face. He was wearing a skinny velvet tuxedo blazer in navy blue, a black turtleneck under it, tucked into skinny trousers that were held in place by a black belt. Though he had dressed all elegantly the night before, Harry had chosen a more relaxed look for a wedding he obviously did not want to be part of.

“You’re taking too bloody long.” He complained, making Y/N roll her eyes at him.

“Why couldn’t you just knock on my door like a normal person?”

“Because I’m not a normal person.”

“No, you’re not.” Y/N shook her head some. “I’ll be down in a sec.”

So she put everything she needed in her little purse, made sure she looked good, and then turned to Viola, giving her a peck to her forehead before she left. She was shoving her keys into her purse when she reached the ground floor, just looking up at Harry as she came outside. He looked even better from up close, very well put-together and incredibly fit. As he always was.

“You’re quite chilled for the occasion.” She remarked, giving him a smile. “You look good.”

“And you…” Harry let his eyes scan her body, caressing her like his hands had done the night before. She suddenly felt very flustered, but in the very best way. She never wanted him to stop looking at her like that. Their eyes met again, and still, Harry didn’t know what words to use.

“Viola got your tongue?”

Harry blinked.

“’Cause she’s a cat.”

Harry quickly shook his head twice, as if he was suddenly coming back down to earth from an intense daydream. “I… I didn’t hear what you just said… but yes. Cat.”

Y/N laughed, starting to walk up the street. “Let’s get to this wedding, yeah?”

It didn’t take long for them to reach the city centre where the reception was held. The restaurants around the town square had put out all their tables, white tablecloth and white roses in elegant vases on each one. Veins of green with white roses and the occasional light hung across the square, giving it a dim lighting so people could dance to the music and see properly. Fosdinovo wasn’t very well lit usually, most likely because of its rural positioning and the few people that lived there. They had simply not bothered putting up that many streetlights. But all the houses around the square and the lights that were hung up across it lit everything, and it was easy to make out everyone in the warm yellow illumination now.

As they approached the square, they were quick to find a place to sit, both scanning the crowd for any familiar faces they didn’t particularly want to encounter that night. Namely Salvatore. While looking around, Y/N’s eyes fell on a familiar figure that was waving enthusiastically, a huge grin on his face that made his small eyes disappear behind his layers of wrinkles. She waved back at Marco, seeing him gesture at the table with all the desserts, then at the huge wedding cake that there wasn’t much left of.

“I’ll go say hi to Marco quick.” Y/N said, getting up from her seat.

“Right.” Harry nodded, still looking around for anyone that might want to cause him and or both of them harm.

“Hey,” Y/N laid her hand on his resting on the table. “It’ll be fine. Swear I’ll be back in 5 minutes.”

He nodded again and she gave him a tiny squeeze before she walked off. Marco was greeting her with his sunshine smile when she approached, pointing at his cake and then at himself.

“Not bad, no?” he said, smiling at someone who came over to treat themselves to a slice.

“It looks amazing, and I bet it tastes even better.”

“It does, it does. You have to taste it and bring a piece to signor Styles as well.” Marco busied himself then with cutting two slices, putting them on two plates. “But first, you try.”

Y/N smiled at him, getting herself a fork as Marco held the plate out to her. She dug into it, taking her time to chew to get all the flavour and to really savour the cake. Widening her eyes and nodding, she let Marco know it tasted amazing before she swallowed and had an opportunity to speak for herself.

“It’s delicious.”

“Well, of course!” He laughed, handing her the other plate. “You two have fun, yes?”

“We came for the cake.”

Marco laughed, not detecting the truth that was clothed as a lie, something Y/N was very thankful for because she hadn’t been able to stop herself from saying that and it could’ve ended very badly. Giving each other one last smile, Y/N trotted off toward Harry again who was now sitting at their table with two drinks.

“You plan on getting drunk?” she asked, sitting down and placing the cake in front of him.

Harry nodded before gesturing with glass at where Marco and Y/N had stood talking. “Made loads, did he?”

“Yes, and he wanted us to taste the cake.”

“Thank you.” Harry said as Y/N handed him a spoon.

They both took a bite and Y/N sighed deeply, leaning back against the back of the chair. “It’s delicious, innit? Didn’t expect anything less from Marco, he owns the bakery after all.”

Harry nodded as he swallowed, dipping the spoon in for another bite. “Just because you own it doesn’t mean you gotta know how to bake proper.”

“Right,” she held a hand up. “Shut up.”

Harry looked at her through his eyelashes, smiling a little before he swallowed his bite and went in for another one. “Because I’m right?”

“Because Marco made a great cake and we should give him all the praise in the world for it.” She said matter-of-factly, reaching for the glass Harry had placed before her.

“Yeah, alright.”

“What’s this?”

“Sex on the beach.” He reached for his own glass then, taking a huge gulp of it. “Loads of vodka.”

Y/N brought the drink up to her lips, taking a sip of it. “Lovely.”

He smiled and the two ate and drank in silence. People were dancing, some were eating, and others were just standing around talking. It felt right that the whole village was there, celebrating someone’s union and forgetting everything bad for just a single night. Everyone’s spirits were so high and Y/N really liked it this way, feeling part of something small yet big; part of something very positive. Harry got up some time later, getting them both a refill before he came back to her. They just sat there drinking for a bit, talking when they felt like it, but for the most part either staring at one another or looking around. It felt comfortable – safe – having the other there; their presence alone made the whole situation a whole lot better. It was when he came back with their third refill, both tipsy and already eager to leave, it was then that the two other chairs at their table were dragged along the cobblestone and two people sat down with them.

“Hi.” Rin said, folding her hands on the table before her.

“What’s up?” Meo smiled, looking far less serious than Rin. Something he always did. He looked at Harry, and Harry looked right back at him, not really knowing what to make of the situation that was unfolding itself before him. Meo gave him a small pat to the back. “Good to see you.”

Harry just nodded in response.

“Salvatore and Carina haven’t seen you two yet and maybe that’s for the best.” Rin said, looking from Y/N to Harry.

Y/N blinked. “You’re saying…?”

“That something will undoubtedly go down when Salvatore sees you two, yes.” Rin sighed, meeting Harry’s eyes. “Especially if he sees you.”

“Let him.” Harry said, taking a large sip of his drink.

“Why?” Rin frowned, clearly annoyed with men’s willingness to square up all the time. “So you can cause a scene?”

“So I can give the wanker what he deserves.”

“Harry.” It was Meo who spoke now, his voice much softer than it usually was. He wasn’t the confrontational type, Y/N had guessed that much, so when he suddenly spoke, it took both Harry and Rin by surprise. “Sal wants a reaction out of you.”

Harry breathed harshly through his nose, getting properly aggravated. “Then he finally gets what he wants from me for once.”

Sensing Harry’s racing heart and rising anger, Y/N placed her hand on his thigh. His warm, muscular thigh. Telling him she was there, that it was all going to be alright if he just calmed down. She noticed him closing his eyes for a second, his heavy breathing slowed. He glanced at Y/N for a second before looking back at Meo once he started talking again.

“Whatever happened between you two, know that Rin and I never wanted you to stop hanging out with us.” He explained, taking Harry by surprise it seemed. “We quite enjoyed your company; thought you were fun to hang out with. Got quite bummed out when you pushed us away.”

“Sal never told us what happened, and we don’t expect you to tell us either, but we want you to know that we miss you.” Rin smiled, telling him that she didn’t mean to come across harsh earlier, she just wanted what was best for him.

“It’s almost been a year now.” Meo reminded him.

Harry’s eyes fell to the table. “I don’t… I don’t want to force you to hang out with me.”

Meo smiled. “We befriended you for a reason.”

Harry smiled a little back, his shoulders visibly relaxing. Hearing a verbal confirmation that he could be friends with Meo and Rin without Salvatore getting in the way meant more to him than either of them would ever understand. “I didn’t want to make you choose, ‘cause I know you lot have been mates with Salvatore longer than me. So, If there was even a choice to begin with – which I didn’t want to know if there was -, I wanted to spare you lot the choosing so I just… isolated myself. I knew you’d choose him over me.”

“It’s not about who you’ve known longest,” Rin said, voice hard as to make Harry properly understand now. “It’s about who’s better for each of us to be around and who’s the least shitty person.”

Harry chuckled a little, taking another sip of his drink.

“I would’ve chosen you, just so you know.” Rin said, no shame in her voice or her straight back. Harry just looked at her, completely dumbfounded.

Meo sighed. “Don’t make it a choice, Rin.”

“Well, I just did.”

“Anyway,” Meo glanced back at Harry, shaking his head some. “Remember when we went to Lerici and we stole that old moped? Drove it till there was no more gas left?”

“And we ended up in the middle of nowhere trying to figure out how we were going to get back to Fosdinovo ‘cause we didn’t know where the fuck we were.”

The three of them laughed, grateful to be reminiscing back to a time all of them appreciated and liked looking back on. Y/N smiled at Harry, she very much enjoyed seeing Harry this at ease.

“You shouldn’t have driven that moped, Meo.” Harry said, giving him a pointed look.

“What?” Meo looked offended, making Rin howl. “Someone should’ve tackled me to the ground and told me not to.”

“Harry should’ve. You don’t stand a chance against a gymnast.” Rin said as Y/N took a sip of her drink.

Meo narrowed his eyes. “And you do?”

“I’m stronger than you.”

Meo didn’t even bother arguing with that.

Harry glanced at them both. “Neither of you can take me, let’s leave it at that.”

They laughed again, and Y/N was so happy to see the three of them back to how they had obviously been before everything had gone down a year ago. Slowly, she removed her hand from his thigh, he was busy having fun with his friends and she wanted him to have this moment to himself. This was what she had waited for for a long time; to see him smiling without being ashamed of it in anyway, talking amongst people he obviously liked the company of. If someone had told her the first week she arrived that this would be her on one of her last days in Italy, she would never have believed them.

Just as her fingers slipped off him, she felt Harry grip her hand, placing it back where it had first been. When she looked up at him again, their eyes met and all those very familiar and very warm butterflies began swarming around her stomach again. Just by sliding the tips of his nails against her palm, spreading her fingers and opening her hand fully for him, he intertwined their fingers so sensually, like he had to brace himself a little before he laid his skin completely against hers. She watched their hands as he did and when he held hers, each of his fingers between each of hers, she felt like whatever he was ever to go through, he’d want her there.

“Don’t.” He whispered so only Y/N could hear.

And then he looked back at Rin and Meo, re-joining the conversation. Y/N smiled a little, loving the feeling of being needed. She focused on the conversation as well. It was fun just being the four of them, talking and not caring about anything else. At some point, Rin saw someone she recognised, and so she left the little group, promising to be back in a minute. But she ended up not coming back, so the rest sat talking till Meo also thought he might mingle for a bit, leaving Y/N and Harry to themselves once again. Y/N watched as Meo approached a small group of older men, one of them his dad it seemed, and when she looked back at Harry, he was already staring at her. She cocked her head to the side.

“What?”

“I’m about to do something that might put us both at risk of embarrassment.”

She couldn’t help her giggle. “Oh no.”

“Dance with me.”

Y/N laughed, squeezing his hand that was still resting on his thigh. She held a hand to her eyes, watching as a smile spread out over Harry’s lips. Dimples showed and he suddenly looked very adorable, contrasting with the turtleneck and the navy blue velvet suit jacket that made him look very hot.

“Unless you don’t want to-“ Harry started, but he stopped himself when Y/N rose, dragging their joined hands off his thigh.

“If you’re ever in doubt, just know I’m always in the mood to embarrass myself. Drunk or not.”

He smiled at her, taking a few seconds to properly take her in before he got to his feet as well. The two walked to the middle of the square where a fair share of others were dancing as well. As they made their way over, The Greatest by Lana Del Rey started playing over the speakers. Harry’s wry smile broke into a proper one as he tugged at Y/N’s hand, bringing her to his chest. He guided her other hand to lay on his shoulder and placed his own on her hip. Together they started swaying to the music.

“I miss Long Beach and I miss you, babe. I miss dancing with you most of all.”

Y/N brought herself closer to Harry, wanting to be as close him as she could. While she was here, she wanted to be with him in every way, wanted to be so close to him so she could remember every single little detail about him. The freckles across his nose, cheeks, and upper lip, the little scar he had under his left eye, how silky smooth his hair was and how it always fell before his eyes. His little giggle and his broad shoulders; his soft skin and hard biceps and abs.

“Those nights were on fire, we couldn’t get higher.”

Harry pressed his forehead against hers, closing his eyes for a few seconds as he brought her closer to him. She let her eyes wander across his skin, taking in all of him now that she had a chance.

“We didn’t know that we had it all, but nobody warns you before the fall.”

With her thumb on the pulse on his wrist, she felt his heartbeat. Felt it direct all blood through his body, felt it quicken, felt it keep him alive. As he opened his eyes, glancing at her, she could hear her own heartbeat in her ears and feel Harry’s on her finger. He tightened his hold on her, she felt each of his fingers on her back.

“And I pray that you stay, don’t leave I just need a wake-up call.”

She felt his breath against her lips, heating up her entire body.

“I’m facing the greatest.”

He detached his forehead from hers, looking at her so intensely she felt like everything around them stopped existing. They were made of stardust, so who’s to say if their souls can’t be intertwined and make one incandescent body? She knew magic existed, felt it swimming in her veins and wrap itself around her heart when she was with Harry. Surely their bodies could merge and make a star; stay together forever like they were supposed to.

“The greatest loss of them all.”

Harry leaned down, eyes on Y/N’s lips to show her he wanted to kiss her. She cocked her head to match his, about to close her eyes and lose herself in Harry once again, but then a shout was heard and the two of them stopped dead. Y/N looked to her right to see the crowd parting, revealing an enraged Salvatore making his way toward them. Harry let go of Y/N instantly, standing in front of her to protect her from whatever was coming. She took a step to the side, wanting to see Salvatore as he came at them. He lifted his hands when he was close enough, bringing them up to Harry’s chest and pushing him hard.

“Che cazzo ci fai al mio matrimonio?”

Harry took a few steps back, telling Salvatore not to follow by holding a hand up. “I was invited.”

“Who invited you here?”

Harry nodded toward Marco. “Your father.”

For some reason, this shocked Y/N, but it also made a lot of sense. Of course Marco was Salvatore’s father. Salvatore got to leave work whenever he wanted, and got multiple days off whenever he wanted. Looking closely and realising they shared some mannerism, Y/N wondered how this hadn’t clicked earlier.

“Perché lo hai fatto?” Salvatore asked Marco, clearly so mad he could barely stand still.

“Ho solo invitato lui e Y/N, la sua musa.” Marco answered, not seeing anything wrong with that.

Salvatore formed his hands into fists before he looked back at Harry. “I need you to leave.”

“Alright, we will.” Harry nodded, and Y/N could instantly tell by the slow nodding he was doing that he was still tipsy, which might better explain what he said next in front of all the villagers of Fosdinovo. “But first I need you to apologise to Y/N.”

Y/N felt everything within her grow cold.

“Why?” Salvatore was frowning, glancing at Y/N before looking back at Harry.

“I think you know exactly why.”

A pair of heels broke the silence that had taken over the square, and Y/N realised they’d turned the music off. Carina approached them, looking absolutely magnificent in her wedding dress and Y/N wanted to tell her congratulations and well wishes, but stopped herself before she opened her mouth.

Carina stood a few steps behind Salvatore. “Salvatore-“

“-Harry, leave.”

Harry didn’t seem to flinch or draw back at Salvatore’s reply, it looked like he had expected a reply like that. He glanced over at Y/N, who gave him a little nod, telling him it was smart of them to leave before anything happened. She started walking backwards and Harry turned around, following. He didn’t take his eyes off her, shoulders moving with a heavy sigh as if to calm himself down.

“Leave Fosdinovo while you’re at it!” Salvatore yelled after them. “No one wants you here!”

This made Y/N stop, though Harry continued to walk, taking a light grip of her wrist as he passed her. But she didn’t care, she stood her ground, feeling the anger inside her grow to new heights. She didn’t think she had ever been this mad at anyone before.

“At some point you have to give up on being so bloody petty.” Y/N said, a few gasps could be heard from the crowd surrounding them. “There’s no need to hold a grudge against Harry, he can’t change who he is. However,” she took a few steps toward Salvatore, hearing Harry mumble her name, but she didn’t care about anything but to get back at the person who had caused both her and Harry pain. “You can change who you are. You can stop flirting with other people while you’re in a relationship with someone else, stop being petty and bitter, start forgiving people and moving the fuck on. You’re getting married, at least be a good husband to your wife if nothing else.”

Salvatore watched her, neither him nor Carina fully knowing what to say. By the look on Carina’s face, this was not something she wanted to hear at her wedding reception, but right in that moment, Y/N didn’t give much of a fuck.

“I don’t know why you flirted with me or why you even thought it was a good idea, but Carina deserves better than that. Change for her.”

Salvatore opened his mouth slowly, his rage visible on his face. “You thought the flirting was genuine?”

She couldn’t be arsed. She was about to turn around and walk away this time, but then Salvatore started talking again, making her stop abruptly.

“I would never flirt with a fat person.”

This caused people to gasp again and Y/N could hear Harry walking closer, could hear his heavy breathing and feel his entire being grow hotter with fury. Though Y/N hadn’t appreciated the comment, she found herself more repulsed by the person than the actual remark. Growing up, she had gotten so used to people throwing that word at her. Fat. Big. Large. Society associates these words with something negative, gives them a meaning that shouldn’t be; that isn’t supposed to be. You hear it when skinny girls call themselves fat, when they buy themselves something unhealthy to eat, when they buy a bigger size at the store. “I’m fat.” No, you’re not, Y/N would think, and if you were, what’s so bad about being fat? When did the word ‘fat’ get a negative meaning? And why are people afraid of being fat? Of being called fat? Of being associated with ‘fat’? It’s because we have been taught that fat equals ugly. Regardless of what you look like, regardless of your personality, regardless of all the good deeds you’ve ever done; if you’re fat, you’re immediately ugly.

But Y/N wasn’t ugly. She liked her face, liked her personality, liked herself. She loved that if she wiggled her arms fast enough, the fat on her arms would jiggle and it tickled, causing her to laugh. She loved the stretchmarks on her stomach and thighs and tits, because when she was younger and she’d seen her mum’s, she’d always thought her mum looked like a tigress, and now she was one herself. It had taken her a while to get here. Had taken her countless of nights of sleeping naked, and waking up naked as well, looking at herself in the mirror and just studying herself without judgement. It had taken endless walks through the streets of Maldon and London in clothes that showcased her curves instead of hiding them. It had taken years, but she was happy with her fat, big, large, colossal body. And no one, not Salvatore or any other hateful person, was allowed to ruin that. Eight words could never compare to the monumental amount of love she had for herself and everything she’d ever been through.

She gave him a little smile. “No, instead you tried making someone who is larger than you feel bad about themselves because you think being fat means I’m less than you, therefore you can walk all over me. That’s how insecure you are.” She shook her head. “At the end of the day, Salvatore, it’s not the amount of fat on my body that determines my worth or if I’m a good person or not. The good inside of me just takes up more space than it does to you. And thank God for that.”

Y/N was about to turn around and walk away this time, but Harry shot in front of her, on his way toward Salvatore. Quickly, people around her started talking, some even started making their way toward them to stop whatever was about to go down. Harry was about to raise his arm and give Salvatore a firm punch straight to the mouth, but he stopped himself. The whole square fell quiet for a few moments as Harry stood still, lowering his arm. He walked past Salvatore and to the gift table behind him.

“What the fuck…” He said, reaching for something Y/N couldn’t quite see until he’d picked it up and turned around. Harry looked up from the possession in his hand and around at everyone surrounding him. “Who?” he asked, but the town remained quiet. “Who did this?”

“Don’t touch our wedding gifts.” Salvatore said, about to walk toward Harry but when he gave Salvatore the most hateful and enraged look Y/N had ever seen on Harry’s face, he stopped.

Harry kept his eyes on Salvatore as he spoke the next words, making Y/N and everyone else gasp. “This is my painting. It was stolen from my house a few weeks ago.”

Y/N’s entire body went cold and she felt like she couldn’t move, the news had taken her so by surprise. The villagers talked amongst themselves, clearly trying to work out who could’ve given the newlyweds such a disgraceful present.

“Who stole my painting?! Who broke into my home and stole my painting?!” Harry yelled, holding the canvas up with one arm as to show it off to everyone. It was the back of a house. It was white, an elegant winter garden was depicted along with a colourful garden, forest surrounding all of it. The sky was a light blue, fitting the white of the house and the contrasting stark colours of the nature surrounding it. It was so beautiful Y/N almost lost her breath.

“Harry, calm down-“ It was Rin who had tried to break in, but Harry quickly shot down her attempt.

“-No, this person blackmailed me into giving them money or else they’d leak the entire collection I’m currently working on.”

This caused even more uproar and the crowd around seemed to be looking around and discussing as if they could figure out who was the brain behind the crime. Harry glanced over at Salvatore for the first time, pointing the canvas at him.

“Were you in on this, you inbred rat?”

“No! And don’t call me-“

“-Then the absolute brainless wanker who was, who wanted me to give them 800 000 euros in cash or else they’d ruin everything I’ve worked for and all my clients’ trust in me,” Harry looked around at everyone around him. “Can that person speak the fuck up so I can get them arrested?”

It all suddenly made so much sense now. Seeing Harry in that alleyway during her second week here, all those phone calls he made and had to take, Meo saying he’d seen him talk to the police. It was all for this. This had been going on this whole time. That must also have been a reason why he was so cold towards her, maybe he had suspected her at one point. She’d managed to get up into his loft after all, she knew where he kept all his paintings.

“Harry, you’re causing a scene.” Carina said, holding onto the skirt of her long wedding dress.

“Someone stole my painting and gave it to you as a wedding gift.” He said, narrowing his eyes at her as if he couldn’t possibly understand how she didn’t take this more seriously.

“No one would do that!” Salvatore yelled.

“Obviously someone would ‘cause someone did!”

“Don’t talk to me like that this is my wed-“

“-You know, you’re the only one who’s really fighting me on this, do you have something to hide, Salvatore?!”

“Are you accusing me of committing a crime-“

“-Stop.”

And everyone did. The square fell quiet as everyone looked at the person who had just spoken. As Y/N’s landed on them, she felt her heart sink and everything within her hurt. No no no, this couldn’t be true. She looked to Harry and then back at the person, afraid of what the painter’s reaction would be. Harry held the painting in one hand, resting it at his feet, his entire body almost slumping as he saw who had spoken.

“Gioele.” He said, voice sounding so small and taken off guard that it made everything within Y/N scream. Harry just looked shocked, distressed, and mostly he seemed heartbroken. “What…” He shook his head, not really knowing what to make of all of this. The two stared at each other for a while, waiting for the other to say something. Y/N didn’t know what to do. She wanted to help in some way, but she also knew Harry would want to do this by himself. “You… you did this?” When the old man didn’t answer, Harry continued, “Why?”

“It wasn’t hard.” Retorted the old man, not taking his eyes off Harry.

“That wasn’t an answer to the bloody question I asked, was it?” Harry said through gritted teeth, beginning to walk toward Gioele. Thankfully, Meo and Jamie ran forth, stopping Harry from getting any closer. Y/N hadn’t known Jamie would even show up to the wedding, she hadn’t seen them till now, but it was great to see them. They had clearly been invited and asked not to bring their client and best mate. Which would probably have been for the best. “Why did you do it?”

“You live in the house!” Gioele said, raising his voice.

“In what house?”

“The house I used to live in!” Gioele sounded furious now, and as he looked at Harry, it was so obvious he hated him that Y/N was surprised he’d managed to keep a mask on for so long. She would never have thought he hated Harry before. He seemed to have loved him. But it was a lie. “Where I proposed to my wife, where she gave birth to our children, where they grew up. That was our dream home.”

A woman walked over to Gioele, placing a hand on his shoulder as a sign of support, and Y/N could only assume this was his wife. Then Leonardo appeared as well, Gioele’s brother, and Y/N was immediately taken back to visiting his restaurant with Gioele and the nasty stare he had given her. He must’ve known her relationship to Harry and had to hate her.

“We could not afford to live there, so we moved out. Just as we were starting to save up more money, you show up.”

Y/N walked over to Harry now, standing beside Jamie who gave her a confused look, as if they couldn’t bloody believe this was true.

“You never lock your door.” Gioele said, and Y/N felt such a hatred for the old man after he said that, it made her entire body hurt.

“I trust people not to enter my house, we live in a small fucking village. Everyone knows everyone, everyone relies on everyone else.” Harry said, sounding so mad and hurt it was a wonder he hadn’t ran past Jamie and Meo. “I never locked my door ever since I came here.”

“You have so many paintings in your loft.” Gioele said, eyes flickering to Y/N before he looked back at Harry again. He meant the collection. Harry just stared at him.

“Gioele, did you steal any of my other paintings?” he asked, trying to contain his anger.

No answer.

Harry started making moves to walk toward Gioele, and Y/N could tell by his heavy breathing that he wasn’t about to give him a cuddly hug. “Se hai rubato qualcos’altro dalla collezione - Se ne hai rubato uno di Y/N io…”

“Cosa?”

For a few moments, the two just stared daggers at one another, both so mad that Y/N could basically see smoke leaving their nostrils and ears. She understood Harry wanting to hurt Gioele. He had trusted him; fully, completely, and rightfully so. Gioele had been his employee, and Harry had given him a job when he clearly did not have anything else. And the driver had just taken advantage of his position, of knowing when Harry was in his house and when he wasn’t, of driving him everywhere, becoming the least likely subject.

“Harry,” Meo said, squeezing Harry’s shoulder. “I think it may be best if you leave.”

Harry didn’t look away from Gioele, not finished with him till he’d gotten his hands on him.

“I’ll contact the police and tell them Gioele stole your paintings, everyone here are witnesses. You go home and calm down.” Meo continued, trying to best to get Harry in a better mood. “Take your painting, take Y/N, and go home. I’ll update you on the situation.”

Harry nodded, taking a step away from Meo and Jamie. Jamie gave him a pat to the chest and a smile, neither which Harry could return with any kind of gratitude because he was so drained from this whole situation. Harry and Y/N’s eyes met. She just nodded in the direction of his house and Harry sighed heavily, following her on their way out of the square. Carefully, she took the painting from his hands, thinking he might want to walk without it. She didn’t look at it.

“Finalmente,” Salvatore suddenly exclaimed. “Possiamo tornare a festeggiare il matrimonio. Grazie a Dio non dovremmo vedere mai più nessuno di quei due-“

Harry disappeared from Y/N’s side, and before she knew it, she heard a grunt and someone falling. Turning around, she saw Salvatore on the ground, clutching the back of his head, and looking up at Harry like he was crazy.

“For once will you just shut the fuck up?” he said before he turned around walking toward Y/N and shaking his already red hand with a grimace on his face.

Salvatore wiped the blood from the corner of his lip, watching as the two of them walked off. The two didn’t exchange a single word as they made their way back to Harry’s, both thinking back to what had just happened. Y/N couldn’t get over Harry punching Salvatore, or that Gioele had stolen Harry’s painting, or that Harry had been blackmailed this whole time. It all made her head spin and she made a mental note to pour herself a glass of water when they reached the house.

Harry opened the door for her as they reached his house, slamming the door shut after and locking it. The house was so quiet compared to the festivities in the square, but compared to the rushed and blurry way back, it felt like a sort of safe haven. It was peaceful, empty, and the only sound was both of their breathing. She felt him watching her, eyes scanning her for any injuries or anything that would indicate distress. But she was completely fine. She was just mad on Harry’s behalf, infuriated that people had used him so.

He walked over to her, taking the canvas from her hands, and making his way toward the stairs, obviously on his way up to his loft.

“Harry-“

“-I can’t fucking believe this I just… I just can’t.” He said, taking two steps at a time up the stairs.

Y/N followed him. “What’s been going on? Did someone steal… your paintings?”

“Gioele.” Harry said, and Y/N could tell his jaw was tense as he spoke. “Gioele stole my paintings.”

“To get money from you?” she asked, looking overhead to see Harry had just reached the very top of the stairs.

“Yes.” Harry answered, raising his voice as he walked further into the room and away from Y/N, who was still making her way upstairs. “He’s been blackmailing me for weeks now.”

“If you didn’t give him 800 000 euros, he would leak your collection?” she reached the loft as well, suddenly thrown right back to that first time she had seen it. The walls were still white, two French windows and a glass door at the opposite end leading out to a balcony that she knew displayed the countryside surrounding the Fosdinovo mountain. Canvases were still lined up along the walls, there was not a blank one on the easel this time around though. There was no painting where she saw herself, which made her believe he kept those somewhere else now. Smart after what had been going on.

“Yes.” Harry put the painting down, hunching down before it to make sure there wasn’t a scratch on it or any changes done.

“And that painting was part of the collection?”

“Yes.” He ran a finger over it, trying to feel for any change.

“When did this happen?”

He straightened to a standing position, running both hands over his face before he turned around to face her again. “The week after you arrived. Someone stole one of my paintings while I was out on my own filling colours on one of the pieces for the collection. Had an interview with a detective so he could look into it and figure out who it could be.” He paused, furrowing his brows before he looked away from her. “We thought it might’ve been you at first.”

Y/N nodded and her calmness took Harry by surprise, he quickly glanced back at her. “I understand why you’d think that.”

He let out a breath. “Okay. Wicked.”

“But… can you tell me what specifically made you suspect me?”

He looked at her for a bit before he said, “We didn’t have a good tone. Thought you might want to fuck around.”

She let out a breathy chuckle.

“Yeah, I know.” Harry smiled, eyes running over her body. “My suspicions were debunked when you said you were a veterinarian. Especially when you took care of Viola.”

“Why?”

“You take care of people. You care about others.” He said simply, like it didn’t need more explanation than that.

She just looked at him, sensing there was more. Harry licked his bottom lip, biting into it before he let out an almost nervous chuckle.

“Also around then that I kinda…” he motioned with his hand. “When I started falling in love with you.”

She tried not to let it show how much that answer made her feel like she was floating, hoped he couldn’t tell how her chest ached a small bit as her heart reached out for his, wanting to tell him that she felt that way too. She was in love with him. In every way you could fall in love with another person, she was falling for Harry.

“Anyway,” Harry cleared his throat, bringing Y/N out of her yearning to be closer to him. “I met with the detective and we discussed. Told him two weeks in that you weren’t a suspect anymore, and that was that on that.”

Y/N nodded. “That’s why I saw you walking out of that kinda dodgy building and talking to someone in an alleyway.”

Harry frowned.

“Gioele showed me around town one of my first days, and we saw you talking to this guy in an alleyway. That must’ve been the detective.”

“Signor Palagi did a great job, but not good enough clearly.” Harry ran a hand through his hair, looking back on the painting. He was standing right in front of it so Y/N couldn’t get quite a good look at it.

“And we met Gioele’s brother and he acted all strange.” Y/N recalled, trying to think of everything she had seen and thought over the last few weeks. “He must’ve acted like that ‘cause he knew who I was and what Gioele was gonna do.”

“He acted like that because of what you represent.”

Y/N raised her eyebrows, crossing her arms. “Which is?”

“How I’m successful enough to hire someone to be my model. That I have enough money to live somewhere his brother can’t anymore.” Harry sighed, walking forward and leaning both hands against his paint-littered work bench. “You’re just another reminder that I’m somewhere he’s not.”

“Why would Gioele even do this?” Y/N groaned. “It doesn’t make sense.”

“It makes perfect sense. Get close to me so I won’t suspect him, blackmail me, I give him the money, and since I’m going on tour and moving away after my collection, I won’t see him again and he’ll get the house. He also doesn’t have loads of money, so giving them my painting was probably the only thing he could afford to do.” Harry studied the paint under his fingers, how it had permanently stained the wood. He seemed to have calmed down now, having talked it out with her, but she could still see his frustration in how he was picking at the paint that would never come off.

“Harry, I’m so…” he looked up at her and she sighed. “So sorry this happened to you.”

“Not your fault.”

“I know, but I’m still sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”

There was no one in the streets of Fosdinovo that night, so it didn’t matter that Harry had kept his window open to let some air in, because the night was just as quiet outside as it was inside. But Y/N simply did not really care where she was – outside, inside, or floating through space –, as long as she was with Harry, she couldn’t care less about anything else. Most important part was that he was there.

“I don’t let anyone in my loft.” Harry said, shocking even himself when he said it.

Y/N wanted to look around then, study everything in more detail, but she also knew that Harry liked his stuff to be just his. So she didn’t take a peek. This was his, and she didn’t want to take that away from him.

“It’s my office, like to keep it ‘me’ only.”

Y/N just looked at him, sensing where this was going but not wanting to jump the gun.

“I don’t mind you being here.”

She giggled a little, pinching both her thumbs as to tell herself to keep it together. She was not to act giddy, or to get so flustered that Harry could tell she was getting shy. She wasn’t shy, but when Harry said stuff like that, he brought it out of her.

“Seems you don’t mind me as much as you used to.”

“Is it that obvious?”

She giggled again, and Harry joined in, watching her the entire time. He pushed away from the bench, kneading the knuckles on his right hand that Y/N could now see were starting to get red. Grimacing, Harry looked down at his hand.

“I need to forget about tonight. I… I don’t want to… So many people turned their backs on me.” Harry said, voice almost breaking.

“Not everyone.”

“But those that did were people I trusted.”

“Hey,” she walked closer to him, placing a comforting hand on his forearm. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s true-“

“-You have so many other people in your life. Your sister, your nephew and niece, Jamie, Meo, Rin…” She trailed off and Harry looked up at her. “Me.”

Harry’s eye flicked to her lips for a split second before looking up into her eyes again. Her heart skipped a beat, always finding him so incredibly hot when he did that. Moving her hand from his arm and on top of his, Harry hissed, glancing down at it just as Y/N did.

“Should clean this up a bit. Touching Salvatore voluntarily is gonna give you an infection.”

Harry laughed, grinning up at her.

“Do you have some ice and cleaning solution?” Y/N asked, taking his swollen and red knuckles into her hand.

“Bathroom.”

“Lead the way.”

Harry walked past Y/N and down the stairs, walking into his bedroom and to the small ensuite bathroom. His bedroom was as minimalistic as the rest of his house. He had his queen-sized bed, white blinds over his windows, a wardrobe, and two nightstands, but that was it. For someone who was so such a good painter and so amazing with colours, he didn’t know the first thing about decorating.

She followed him into the small bathroom, taking the pads and cleaning solution from him. Applying some of it to the cotton, she took his hand and gently started to dab it along the cut he had. He must’ve somehow managed to hit Salvatore’s teeth. Harry hissed as the cleaning solution started working, frowning down at his hand.

“It’s not that bad.” Y/N said.

“Easy for you to say, you didn’t bloody punch someone.”

Y/N chuckled, investigating the cut some as to make sure it was clean enough. “You should get some ice on it, get some of the swelling away-“

He kissed her. Lips right on hers, heart pounding hard all the way out to his fingers. She gripped onto his collar right away, pad and cleaning solution falling to the floor, and she begged him not to stop this. Their lips widened, wanting to taste more of the other, to feel them wholly and truly there with them. Harry hummed into her, sending a vibration through her lips and tongue that tickled. He cupped her cheek with his injured hand, other hand squeezing her waist and pulling her toward him. There was no reason to hold back any longer. Next week, Y/N wouldn’t even be here and neither knew when, where, or if they’d ever see each other again.

This same thought seemed to hit Harry as he clung to her a little harder, breathing harshly against her cheek. Right then and there, they both wanted to make up for lost time. The time they had already lost to indecisive tendencies and confusion, and the time they would lose because of miles upon miles of separation and their unknown and unreachable destiny. They tugged at one another, stroked one another, gripped one another hard as to remind themselves and the other person that this was real. Y/N knew that it was now or never. Harry rarely spoke his mind, rarely took the first step, so she had to.

Lightly, she pushed him down on his bed, watching as he fell back onto his elbows. His eyes were wide open, scared to look away for even a second in case she somehow would disappear like a dream does when you wake up. Positioning both her knees on either side of him, Y/N sank down onto his lap and Harry instantly sat upright, placing his hands on either of her knees and gradually sliding them up her thigh, needing for her dress to be further up her body so he could see all of her. Their lips found each other again, hungry for more. She felt his hands on her bum, hot long fingers spread out over each her cheeks, feeling fantastic against her skin. He slid them under the hem of her knickers, getting a good grip on them before he squeezed her firmly, pulling her to him and moaning into her mouth. She rocked her hips slowly against him, causing both of their breathing to grow heavier and their hearts to pick up speed.

He fell backward onto the bed, dragging her with him. As he made impact with the mattress, lips not detaching, their foreheads bumped into one another.

“Shit.” Harry hissed, though it was quickly followed by laughter as he saw Y/N chuckling above him. “Gonna have a bloody bump there tomorrow, ain’t I?”

“Dunno,” she answered, readjusting her position and wiggling her hips against Harry’s, causing his lips to part as a shock went through him. “We’ll just have to see tomorrow.”

“I don’t want to.” He said, gripping her bum harder, forcing her to slide her core against his again. They both gasped. “I don’t want tomorrow, or a day after tomorrow, or after that. All I want is you, here, with me.”

“I’ll be here tomorrow.”

“It’s a day closer to all those other days when you won’t be. I don’t want tomorrow. I want you and time. But not tomorrow.” Harry watched her intently as he continued to push her hips, her eyes fluttering shut as her core arousal grew rapidly like his. “All those days till I see you next, it’ll be like waiting for sunrise. Waiting for that small hour when I get a glimpse of you and then you slip away from me again.”

“Harry.” Y/N panted, cupping his cheek gently before he turned them so he was on top. He leaned down, kissing her jawline.

“You’ll be gone.” He said between kisses, humming into her, and causing everything within her to vibrate with him.

“Harry, I’m here.” She said, though she felt the pain of her leaving in her chest already. “Look at me.”

He continued to leave pecks down her neck, her chest, breast.

“Harry,” she took a light grip of both his cheeks, lifting his head from her. “Look at me.”

He leaned his forehead against her chest, eyelashes fluttering against her skin as he closed his eyes. He took a deep breath.

“Hey,” gently, she placed her index under his chin, gradually bringing his face up so they could look at one another. As their eyes met, she took his hand. “I’m here.” She gave his hand a squeeze before placing it on her breast. She felt his shaky his chin moving with a shaky breath. Slowly, she moved his hand down her front, making him feel all of her before he reached the place between her legs that had missed him so. All the while, they didn’t break eye contact. “I’m here.” She repeated as her knuckles brushed the bulge of his trousers.

He moved his arm so that his elbow rested by her head, hand stroking through her hair till he got to her scalp. There was such seduction in his movements as he ran his fingers over her covered up core, she wished to drown in it. Lust in his eyes, desire on his tongue, and an intense need for her in every single one of his calculated movements. She simply could not keep still as he ran his fingers over her sensitive spot, moaning for him not to stop; do it harder, faster. She wrapped her legs around him, and Harry stopped abruptly. Looking down on her, his eyes were wide.

“What?”

“Are you wearing bloody knee socks?”

The urge to laugh right in his face was huge, but she stopped herself. She stroked her legs up and down his back. “Obvious?”

He sat up on his knees, taking his suit jacket off and throwing it somewhere behind him. Biting her lip, Y/N watched as he dragged his jumper over his head, not taking his eyes off her as he exposed his delicious abs for her eyes only. She bent her knees more, bringing them further up so the knee socks were properly exposed to him. Faintly, she ran a few fingers down his front, loving how her fingers moved along with the soft and hard bumps of his torso. He placed both hands on each of her calves, sliding them up to her knees where he gave her a little squeeze.

“You’re keeping those on.”

“Oh?”

Harry slid his hands down the inside of her thighs, spreading them open further for him. Lowering himself into her, she felt him pressing hard against her and she gasped.

“You’re keeping those on.” He repeated as a raspy mumble against her open mouth, wet and swollen lips moving against hers.

He reached under her, searching for the zip of her dress. She let him; she liked seeing him and the feeling of him being so desperate to get her naked beneath him.

“Fuck.” He groaned, getting the zip stuck.

Giggling into his neck she felt Harry go a little limp, chuckling as well. He rested his forehead against her shoulder before giving it a tender peck.

“Turn around.” He mumbled.

“Hard when you’re between my legs like this. You’ll have to get off.”

“Hmm.” Harry hummed, stroking his hardness against her heat. “Won’t be long till I’m back, baby. Just gotta do something first.”

He got on his knees again, looking at Y/N as she rolled over to lay on her stomach. Looking over her shoulder, she watched as Harry crawled closer to her again, the zip finally properly exposed to him now. He puckered his lips, placing a soft kiss to her shoulder again as he took a grip of the zip. He pulled it down slowly, the top of his thumb sliding along her spine till he stopped at her lower back. Sliding his hands along her exposed back, he pushed the dress off her shoulders, letting it fall down on the bed. He kissed her shoulder blade, then slowly, tenderly leaving small pecks along her back, taking his time to make his way downward. From each one, Y/N felt a swarm of new butterflies enter her stomach, her entire body buzzing with the effect of what felt like thousands of butterflies. Good thing Harry’s hand was on her shoulder or else she was sure she would’ve flown away.

With some help, Harry got her dress off, tossing it behind him. He slid his hands up her body, and Y/N bit her lip, loving the feeling of his skin against hers. His soft painter hands; the long fingers that could create incredible pieces of art caressing her like she was more precious than anything he’d ever touched before. As he reached for her bra, unhooking it, she felt him against the back of her thigh and it immediately sent hot electricity down to the spot between her legs. She felt herself inhale sharply at the pressure of him against her, a warm wave of anticipation ran up her spine.

He pushed the bra off her, letting her throw it to the floor as he watched. She heard him take a big breath before he hooked two fingers round the hem of her knickers. He dragged them down, exposing her bare ass to him. Though he had eaten her out the night before and though it had been lovely to be close to each other like that, this was completely different. She was about to be completely exposed to him, wearing nothing but her white knee socks and his gaze.

She could feel his weight lifting off the bed before he said a raspy, “Turn around for me.”

And she did. She let her back hit the mattress, looking over at Harry as she laid there completely naked and all for him. Knees bent and pushed together so he’d see her knee socks, she cocked her head a little to the side, resting her hands by her hair. He slid his hands from over his lips and down his jaw, taking in all of her before him. She felt her cheeks heat up, not getting insecure, but rather loving how he was looking at her. It was like she could see the painting he was envisioning in his head as he looked at her, as if she could see him mix his colours and paint her. He was quick to get a condom before he came back to stand at the foot of the bed. Letting her eyes drop down his body, she saw his toned torso and the bulge of his trousers. The sight made her wriggle her hips a little, press her legs together, desperate for friction of any kind.

“Sei bellissima.”

Y/N just watched him, loving the sound of him unbuckling his belt. He pulled his boxers down along with his trousers, revealing himself to her. She bit her lip, unapologetically looking at his cock as he stood there looking right back at her. Carefully, he placed a hand on each her knees, spreading her legs open for him. She let him, her entire being buzzing with all kinds of different feelings.

Anticipation, lust, love. There had never been a time before this where she had wanted someone as much as she wanted Harry, and by the hunger she had tasted on his lips earlier and what she could see and feel now, she thought the feeling might be mutual.

He lowered himself onto her and she could finally feel his erection against her wetness, making her gasp slightly.

“Mi lasci senza parole. Dimentico come si parla quando sono con te.”

“What?” she asked, a little breathless.

Harry stroked both hands over either of her cheeks. “You… I completely lose my ability to think clearly around you.”

Y/N huffed a little smiling up at him. She ran her hands up his back, forcing him to put more of his weight on her so she could feel more of him. Their lips connected again, having missed the time they had spent not entwined like this. As their tongues found one another again, desperate and lustful, Harry ran a hand down her front. Caressing her breast, her soft tummy, her wide hips, before he reached for his cock. He stroked himself over her, wanting her to get a good feel of him, not wanting to overwhelm her in any way. She kissed him harder, moaning into him, and Harry took that as answer enough it seemed. He brought himself to her entrance, and slowly slid into her. She gasped as she felt him inside her, a pressure so heavenly consumed her, and she held onto him tighter.

He took a grip of her knee, bringing her leg up further as to spread her legs wider and to get better access. At this, she moaned, and his grip tightened. He started moving in and out of her at a steady pace, not too fast, but not too slow either. Their eyes locked, both suddenly realising what they were doing and what this would mean to their relationship. Y/N knew that whether she liked it or not, she always formed an emotional attachment to those she had sex with, and this one would undoubtedly be even more powerful than all the ones before it. Because it was Harry. And because she was falling in love with him. Because she knew she would never get over him if they had sex. And yet she couldn’t help herself.

She could already feel the climax building up between her thighs, having gone a while without sex. By the looks of it and the sound of Harry’s rapid breathing, she imagined Harry was in the same position. He held onto her knee as he rocked into her, their bodies colliding hard and loud. The sound of flesh against flesh, their heavy breathing, and the occasional moan was their entire universe for those few minutes.

Harry’s hand slid down Y/N’s thigh, giving her bum a firm squeeze before he dragged it up her side and to her neck. He didn’t take his eyes off her, wanting to savour every second he had with her like this like she did with him. With a trembling hand, he brought his fingers to her cheek, caressing it so tenderly Y/N almost felt tears press on. There was so much love in the way he treated her, like he was afraid of loving her too much and then losing her. But it seemed he had stopped caring about that and rather give her everything while he could. He slid his thumb over her lip just as he thrust into her, causing her to moan. Over her bottom lip, slowly stroking his way to her upper as well. She gently poked her tongue out, licking his finger. She could see the colour of his eyes darken, could tell what she’d just done had gotten to him.

He slid his thumb into her mouth and she instantly wrapped her lips around him. A shaky breath left Harry’s lips as she swirled her tongue seductively around his finger. Completely entranced and turned on, Harry quickened his speed, eager to please her as well as he could. This had Y/N closing her eyes, moaning onto his finger. Harry slowly pulled his finger out of her mouth and in again, not able to help the moan that escaped him as he watched her suck his thumb.

She reached between them, needing clitoral stimulation in order to come hard and properly. Harry sensed what she was doing, though, and he quickly stopped her.

“No,” he said, and Y/N almost thought he was stopping her from touching herself. “Let me.”

He pulled his finger out of her mouth and slid his hand down her front, resting his hand over her centre. She gasped, realising just then how much she felt for him and that with everything he was doing, she found it a little harder to accept the fact she was leaving. He started flicking his finger over her bud, and Y/N’s body instantly heat up, the bubble of fire in her core threatening to burst at any moment.

She arched her back, feeling Harry’s free hand sink into her hair, tugging at her roots lightly. He fucked her harder, deeper, stroked his fingers over her clit faster. He buried his face in her neck, letting out a low growl that reverberated through every single one of her cells. She gripped his shoulders, gasping for air as everything grew hotter, hotter, hotter.

“Don’t stop.” She moaned, nails digging into his skin. “Harry, don’t stop.”

In response he kissed the nape of her neck, bringing his lips up to that spot right under her ear. She heard all his small whimpers, moans, and intakes of breath, felt them against her skin, felt them tattoo themselves onto her memory forever. Their bodies coming together, slamming into one another in erotic desperation to get closer to the high they were both seeking to reach together. Something happened between them as they worked toward their climax; like all that yearning, all that waiting, all those times Y/N had felt her soul, sells, and heart reaching for his, it all came together now. She felt every inch of her body content; felt whole in a way she’d never felt before. And looking into Harry’s eyes, she realised she’d found peace in him. She couldn’t remember feeling peaceful, like everything in the world was finally right, but she was now.

Her grip on him tightened as she got closer to the edge, the heat between her legs picking up at a rapid speed. He must’ve sensed her nearing her orgasm, because he let go of her hair and urged her hand free from gripping his shoulder. He pinned it above her head, sliding his up her forearm till he reached her hand, intertwining his fingers with her. Harry continued to fuck her at the same pace, and would sometimes draw a stroke out slowly and thrust back into her hard just so he could feel her thighs tighten around him, the material of her knee highs against his sides. As everything blurred together and she felt her orgasm coming on, her whimpers and moans grew more frequent, and it seemed just knowing he was pleasing her this well, brought him closer too.

He moaned her name into her ear, the grip on her hand tightening. Harry fell harder into her, got deeper as she slid her legs further up his back. Nothing else existed in those moment leading up to her orgasm. She felt her legs trembling. Felt his fingers on her clit and his cock between her legs. Felt her control dwindle.

“Harry.” She moaned, placing her hand at his neck, gripping him harder.

She came. Hot whips across her entire body, she felt like she was on fire. She was gasping, repeating his name, and moaning as pure ecstasy washed over her. She shook under him as he pressed his forehead against hers, watching her intently as she came down from everything. Just as she felt her heartbeat slowing some, she heard Harry’s gasp and moans intensifying, felt his movements halting. She reached down and took his hand, bringing it up above her head with the other one. He gripped her hands hard, whimpering and sweating onto her.

“Fuck.” He said, closing his eyes hard before he opened them again, wanting to look at her as he came. His thrusts were irregular, some harder than others, and she felt him spilling into the condom. She moved her hips with him, needing to help him through his orgasm. His neck vein was visible, and no sound left his mouth other than his harsh and quick intakes of breath. She found him hypnotising, so beautiful and so hot. A small furrow to his brows, eyes concentrated on her, plump and wet lips parted.

They stayed like that for a little while, just looking at one another as everything came back to them. She suddenly smiled up at him, letting a breathy chuckle leave her lips. He leaned down, pressing his lips against hers. Drawn-out, lazy, and both smiling.

“I’ll get you something to get washed up with.” He said, slipping out of her before he shuffled down the bed, took the condom off, and walked to the ensuite bathroom. Y/N laid on her side, studying his back, his bum, and his muscular legs. She could not believe she’d just had sex with Harry. Mind-blowing, won’t-be-able-to-ever-get-over-this sex. Nothing would ever be the same now, she realised, they would always be linked in some way. They had been before this, she felt it, but sex always made this that much more complicated.

Harry came back with a wet cloth, handing it to her before laying down in bed beside her. He watched as she got herself cleaned up, studying her more intensely than he had ever done before. Placing the cloth on the nightstand, she laid back down in bed, looking over at Harry as he reached for her hand again. Still keeping eye contact, Harry brought it up to his lips pressing a kiss to her hand. Slowly, he turned it back around, closing his eyes as he kissed her palm. She rested her hand at his cheek, watching as he leaned into her touch.

“Please stay.” He whispered, and she did.

NEXT UPDATE: Sunday 9th February 2020, 9PM GMT

a huge thanks to my lovely beta readers! 💙 @aileenacoustic​ 💙 @tpwkceline​ 💙 @emotionally-imbruised​  💙 @shepherald​ 💙 

#harry styles #harry styles x reader insert #harry styles x you #harry styles fic #harry styles smut #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst

[birthdaysentiment]

The music in wtFOCK season 3 - Song #24

Zaterdag 21.35 // "Hurt" - 2WEI

For me, season 3 always felt so intense to watch, because I never knew what to except, for whenever I had an idea about the next clip, wtFOCK would make a choice, that turned that theory upside down. We never knew when to except the high or low points in Robbe's story, but we always knew they were coming, that we were going to feel them one hundred percent once the occurred. And this clip was no exception, because even though we had seen Robbe at a low point before, this clip just felt so much more hurtful to watch.

I can't even begin to imagine how Robbe must have felt in that situation, considering everything that happened before he came to the party and everything that happened, while he was at it. Because just a close-up look at Robbe's face in the blue neon light, was everything we needed to see, in order for us to understand and feel everything he felt in that exact moment: a mixture of sadness, grief, sorrow, betray, but most of all pain.

Robbe decided to join the party that night, but it never felt right. After everything that happened the night before, Robbe just wants to be with Sander, because he's the only one he wants to be with at that moment. But before he gets that chance, Robbe is faced with Noor, and in a matter of seconds, his life is getting turned upside down, just as it did the night before. The fact that Noor is confronting Robbe with her knowledge about him being gay, isn't what hurts, it's the words she says afterwards, that nobody in 2019 cares if Robbe is gay or not. But little does she know, that the scars on his face and body is a sign of the opposite view of that statement. And the look on Robbe's face is enough, to make us understand the pain behind those words.

But the pain doesn't stop there, as Robbe spots Sander in the crowd, where is bleached hair is making it difficult not to notice him. But in the flashing neon lights Robbe realises that Sander isn't alone, and before he can get a chance to let Sander know, that he's there, he sees him kissing Britt, like the events from the past couple of weeks never happened. It's only the bruise around Sander's eye, that makes Robbe realize that this isn't a dream. This is his reality, and when he finally found peace and comfort in it, something happened, that made him want to escape it again, faster than ever before.

The look on Robbe's face is so heartbreaking, so hurtful and just by looking into his eyes, we can all see the emotions, that lies behind them. Because what happened, and was any of it even real? How can Sander say, "I love you" to Robbe and then nine hours later kiss Britt, like nothing happened between them, like nothing happened to them. Robbe leaves his conversation with Noor, because in that moment he felt how every muscle in his body was telling him to get away from everything, telling him to escape his reality.

In that moment, the upbeat party-song in the background slowly fades away, while it gets mixed with a voice, that holds a lot of emotions, but the words seem even heavier. Robbe makes his way through the crowd, he even passes by Jens and Moyo, but he doesn't register them, he just needs to get out. The melody blends with the singing voice and the party-song is suddenly nowhere to be heard, instead you can hear these lyrics:

I focus on the pain

The only thing that's real

As Robbe steps out into the night, the beat of the song gets deeper, almost like a darkness surrounding him and everything he's feeling in that moment. Because how can Robbe feel anything different than pain, what else is he supposed to feel after everything that happened in the last 24 hours? He could take the kicks, the screams and the ache in his body, but the pain he's feeling now, after seeing Sander kiss Britt, is unbearable, the pain he feels in his chest is consuming everything, and he just wants it to stop.

It was heartbreaking to see Robbe at such a low point, but it was very different from where he was one week ago, when he tried to have sex with Noor. Back then Robbe hadn't come to terms with his feelings for Sander, but in this clip, he has, he knows he has feelings for Sander, but he still feels lost and hopeless, because he starts questioning everything that has happened between them. The pain is taking over everything, none of it makes sense anymore, because why would Sander kiss Britt? For once, Robbe let himself feel, feel everything inside of him, only for it to end the way that it did. Robbe is frustrated, he doesn't know what to do or what to think or feel, because everything is coming to him at once, a feeling of being overwhelmed.

When Robbe reaches the harbor, when he's standing there alone with raindrops on his face, he lets his emotions take over. I will never get that look, the look of a broken Robbe, out of my mind and even though it's properly one of the most heartbreaking images of Robbe in season 3, it's also one of my favorites. Because I know what it's like to feel lost and hopeless, how you so desperately wish that it's all just a bad dream, you haven't woken up from yet. Robbe is showing us everything that's inside of him, and in that moment, we can't help but feel everything to. I understood Robbe in that situation, I understood why he needed to let his emotions out, because maybe that could be a way to make it all stop.

For me, it wouldn't have been the same scene without the music. wtFOCK could have chosen a different song with a lighter melody, but they chose this song with a purpose, because they wanted us to understand what was going on inside of Robbe, when he couldn't say the words himself. As Robbe screams, as he grabs on to his hair to let some of the pain and frustration out, you can hear the following lyrics in the background, now with a lighter melody, that still has some sadness attracted to it:

What have I become

My sweetest friend?

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end

I know there are different opinions about this scene and what happened at the end of the clip. I think wtFOCK should have made it more clear, what went through Robbe's mind as he was standing so close to the edge, which thoughts let him to that moment? Because when we didn't get another clip that night, we all assumed the worst, and I know we got a comment from Robbe on Instagram, but that wasn't enough. I don't know why wtFOCK made that choice, however I do believe that Robbe wanted to make the pain stop, but Robbe also knew that it wasn't the answer. I don't think Robbe actually thought about it, he just wanted to feel nothing or at least something else, that would make the pain in his chest disappear. And as we learned the next day, he had been drinking in order for him to feel something else, so he for a brief moment could escaped reality.

The song is interesting because of the contrast in the melody, how the song almost creates a darkness as Robbe makes his way out of the club, and how it changes to a lighter melody when he reaches the harbor, where every emotion suddenly comes out. It felt like the beginning of the song represented the frustration and anger inside of Robbe and how those feelings turned into pain and grief, when he understood that this was his reality. Even though this was one of the lowest points in season 3, it still, in some weird way, gave me hope, because at that point it couldn't get any worse, which meant, that it would only get better for Robbe from that point.

#wtfock #wtfam #music in wtfock #wtfocksoundtrack

[vashak]

Different worlds: Ash (2)

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

Originally posted on 5 June 2019 in Turkish here.

In the first part of this meta, I talked about the clash between Ash’s toxic mindset that he’s doomed to a life of trouble, which only becomes stronger with each war he has to fight, and Eiji’s struggle to make him believe that a life without killing, violence and crime is possible in spite of everything that has happened. This constant battle that continues in the background throughout the story of Banana Fish is perhaps the most difficult one for Ash to win.

I’ll pick up the story from where I left off. So after the final showdown, Ash met with Blanca in Central Park. What’s most heart-breaking in this valediction of sorts is the part where Ash says “I know now that I shouldn’t be any part of his life. Actually I knew it all along. I guess I just didn’t want to admit it… Pretty pathetic, huh?” It’s like Ash is holding himself up to scorn for wanting Eiji to stay by his side—like he’s chiding himself for daring to want such a thing. And Blanca simply tells him “No, Ash. It’s not.” At this point, both Ash and Blanca know at what cost reaching out to happiness comes with. Blanca insisted on marrying the woman he loved and that decision cost Natasha’s life. Ash didn’t want to part with Eiji and his enemies made him their primary target and in the end he almost died. But it’s not “pathetic” to want to be happy. Blanca wants Ash to know that at least.

This scene tells us that no matter what happens from now on Eiji left his mark in Ash’s life. But in the next scene when Blanca asks Ash what he’s going to do from now on Ash tells him that he’ll go “back to being a street punk.” In other words, he still believes he will never get out of this life. Perhaps what feels weird for the reader/audience here is that Ash doesn’t feel free even when he defeated all his enemies. He still believes he’ll put Eiji in danger so he’s still dead set on keeping Eiji safely away from himself. Why? Again, it all boils down to this toxic mindset I talked about in the previous part of this meta: Ash doesn’t see himself worthy of anything that Eiji represents, including Eiji himself.

Then what happens?

To summarize, Ash is reading in the library on the day of Eiji’s departure but keeps an eye on his watch because Eiji’s flight time is approaching. Then Sing appears with Eiji’s letter and asks Ash the question we all wanted to ask: “Why didn’t you go see Eiji?”

There it is—Ash once again makes a distinction between Eiji’s world and his world. He was so deeply affected by Eiji getting shot that he’s absolutely firm about not seeing him again, even to say goodbye. But on the other hand, it is clear that he’s just dying to see him, to be beside him. That’s why he kept checking his watch. But Ash knows that if he goes to see Eiji, he won’t be able to let him go, the same way he couldn’t tell him to go before. When he’s trying so hard to stay put, Sing’s probing naturally annoys him. Because what’s the use in answering his question and stating the obvious—that Ash will put Eiji in danger as long as he’s with him? But to Sing (or to us) that’s not “obvious,” let alone even remotely true! I’m sure Sing doesn’t think Ash is to blame for Eiji getting shot at all…

By the way, Sing saw how worried Eiji was when he took his letter, so now that he has delivered the letter to Ash, he doesn’t want to return empty-handed (Oh, baby!) So he tries one more time, asking Ash, “Ain’t you got stuff you wanna tell him?” And when Ash says nothing to that, Sing’s reached the end of his tether. “You stubborn asshole!” he yells and dashes away, leaving Ash with Eiji’s letter.

So Ash sits down on a bench and opens the envelope. Out comes Eiji’s letter and—to Ash’s surprise—a one-way ticket to Japan. He starts reading the letter. “But even so… I always wanted to protect you.” It is after reading this sentence that Ash gets up and starts to run.

Eiji who saw Ash not as a deadly monster but as a human being with a wounded soul… Eiji who thought his soul was worth saving even when he had the blood of so many people on his hands… Eiji who went through so many things—almost died even—all because of him, yet still waited for him with open arms… All this feels too much for Ash. Despite everything he said to Blanca the day before, Ash truly realizes then that he’s about to cut Eiji out of his life for good—the one person who loved him so unexpectedly and undeservedly. Ash surrenders to the feelings Eiji’s love awakened in him and changes his mind about never seeing him again.

…No, I’m not going to say that. What’s really at play here is not “surrender.” At that moment, we witness Eiji’s love finally setting Ash free. Ash realizes for the first time in his life that he might be worth being loved by someone. He breaks the chains of what his toxic mindset has dictated him all his life and starts running to reach out and grasp the hand extended to him.

What was going through his mind then, I wonder? Did he start running to board the place to Japan with Eiji or just to say goodbye to him? He probably didn’t know it himself either. But he knew that he wasn’t going to think of himself as cursed as if he had been stricken with the plague and deprive himself of love any longer. The expression on his face below is so raw, so pure that I can’t even…

Eiji’s letter continues with an ominous question: “But what did I want to protect you from?” Right after the reader reads that one line, the inevitable happens. In his haste to get to Eiji, Ash is momentarily distracted and gets stabbed in the stomach. He takes out his gun and shoots the assailant almost immediately, but the damage is done. Taking deep breaths, he puts pressure on his wound with one hand and notices the pages of Eiji’s letter scattered on the ground. He makes a face then like losing Eiji’s letter would cause him more pain than his wound and kneels down to pick up the pages of the letter with bloodied hands. It’s almost as if Ash remembered what he was doing before getting stabbed and simply wants to continue where he left off. But he doesn’t—can’t—go to the airport. And he doesn’t do anything to have his wound treated. Clutching Eiji’s letter, he simply limps back to the library.

I think Ash knows he won’t survive this, so the most important thing for him to do then is to finish reading Eiji’s letter. He goes back to his favorite place, takes his usual seat in the Rose Main Reading Room and reads the lines his favorite person wrote for him. His tears fall on the letter when he finishes reading the last sentence. Feeling Eiji’s love all around him, Ash then lifts up his face to look at the sky where Eiji belongs. And what a coincidence that at that exact moment Eiji’s actually up there on board a plane leaving New York. Ash lays his head down on the letter and with a smile on his face, he yields up his soul that Eiji saved.

Read the next part of the meta here.

#i'm basically narrating what happens in the story #but still there are some meta elements here and there #this sounded much more sappy when translated #different worlds #banana fish #meta #analiz #yorum #ash lynx #banana fish manga #banana fish anime #gif #banana fish türkçe #english #şekerli

[loveisssaruthlessgame]

hi @taylorswift! i'm lore, i'm 20 years old and i live in montevideo, uruguay. i've been following you and your music since i was 11 years old (2010, which is a lot!!!!). you've been there for me since i had my first kiss at 12 and it didn't feel as i always thought it'd do. you've also been there for me at 13 when i had a crush on a guy who didn't want me back. you were there for me at 15 when i was mistreated by the boy i liked and felt like i would never be enough for anybody. you were there for me at 17 when a fuckboy thought i was some kind of game he could play whenever he wanted to. and you are there for me now in my 20s when i've finally found the truest and purest of loves.

i have been a dreamer, a hopeless romantic since i can remember. romance has always been my favourite genre. people falling in and out of relationships until they find the one. first kisses that are flawless and fearless. tragedies that become victories, villains that become heroes, evil that becomes good. 

the truth is, when you wrote that “you have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily every after [...] because i think love is fearless” it was the exact way i’ve always felt. even when i was scared of abandonment, boredom, heartbreak, i always craved real love that shines golden like starlight and doesn’t fade or spontaneously combust. those words stuck with me from the first time i read them in 2012. for whatever reason, you’ve always said exactly what i wanted to say, what i needed to hear. that line described exactly the kind of love i’d always wanted to feel, the kind of relationship i’d always wanted to be a part of.

2016 came by and you disappeared. we all missed you, but sometimes it’s just the healthiest thing you can do for yourself: go off the radar. to live your best life it’s necessary to cleanse your spirit, to get rid of toxic relationships and habits in order to heal.

i strongly believe we all have wounds. of different kinds, differently shaped. but everyone has a memory they’d rather forget, a person they’d rather not see again, a song they can’t listen to anymore. i also believe everyone has a special someone they have yet to meet, someone that can ease the pain, share the bad moments and love you until you find a way to fix your soul.

i think you were lucky enough to find that person. you will never know how happy i was when in 2017 i heard you had been dating a guy for months.

2017 was huge for me. you came back doing better than you ever were. and little did i know i had met the absolute love of my life.

you said you’d write a whole album about that kind of “real love that shines golden” if you ever found it. and five years later, reputation came out. i’ve always felt like it means a lot to you. i see it as a groundbreaking point in your life. a love that changed everything. when my relationship started to develop, leading me last year to the most beautiful love story i will ever be a part of, reputation became everything to me. “these songs were once about my life”, you said in 1989′s prologue. “they are now about yours”. i hope one day you get to know how truthful that statement was.

2019 finds me in a relationship with an amazing boy whom i’d trust my life with. he listens to me, even if what i have to say is not in his main topics of interest. and he advices me on every problem i encounter. he supports me, takes care of me. he makes me feel loved, makes me feel like i matter. 

with reputation, “call it what you want” became kind of our relationship anthem in my head. i went through harsh staff this past year. in the road to heal my wounds i had to let go of people who would only put salt in them. and i felt alone. and i felt guilty, like everything was my fault. but he stayed. he built a fire just to keep my warm. and there’s no amount of words that can describe how thankful i am for having him in my life. he knows me, truly knows me, more than anyone in this world. and he loves me all the same. i’ve finally found a love that really is something, not just the idea of something.

and i will never be able to thank you enough for putting into words how i feel about the most important person in my life. and you will probably never know how special it is to have someone feeling the way i do, and making it into art. this month will be 13 months since our relationship started, and i really wanted to let you know how important your music has been in the process.

i feel like lover is coming down the same line as reputation. and i can’t wait to hear it and find more love anthems.

love you with my whole heart.

[iamthenerdqueen]

And For A Short Time, She Was Mine.

Idol!Yoongi X Idol!Reader. 

TW*** major character death, car accident, depression. ****

Thank you @babydoesntlikethis​ for the moodbaord

A/N: this is hot trash, but sad hot trash. NOT EDITED. NOT EVEN IN THE SLIGHTEST SO IM SORRY FOR BAD GRAMMAR.

To say the year 2019 had been bad for the kpop world was an understatement. It had seen many tragedies and scandals, but the world kept spinning. For the most part that was his montra, “The world keeps spinning and I keep moving,” it had gotten him this far. In all of the unexpected things he could’ve never guessed she would come into his life and become the center of his whole world, but she had and she made his heart beat louder, his world spin faster. They had met in late 2015 through none other than the maknae of his group, Jungkook. She was just a few months older than him and had a mutual friend, GOT7’s Yugyeom, as they were from the same company. Her group, consisting of four members, had debuted just a few months before Bangtan in november of 2012. Her and Jungkook had bonded over their experiences and being so young during their debut. Y/N’s personality was addictive and it didn’t take long before she was close with the whole of BTS. It seemed she was always there to offer any support she could and always had time to listen to his worries or talk him through his anxieties. He had fallen for her hard and fast, rules be damned. Her company had allowed her the privilege to date, but BigHit wasn’t as lenient then. They kept it secret from everyone, even their members, for as long as they could, but it was almost a year after they met that Namjoon put the pieces together in december of 2016. Things were changing for BTS big time and he wanted nothing more than to share all his happiest moments with her, so getting caught in a congratulatory kiss with her after winning their first Daesang by several of his members wasn’t ideal. The pressure started to build on both of them after that and they opened up to their companies who had differing opinions on the matter. It was a difficult conversation with Bang Si-Hyuk and after standing his ground, Yoongi kept both his job and relationship. The strain on their relationship didn’t stop there. Even though he had his company's permission, his schedules and hers made it nearly impossible for them to see one another for months on end. Things got easier after that as her group started getting less promotion as a group and started doing more solo endeavors. So many hours were spent with one another just plainly being with one another anywhere they could be even in the studio and in may of 2019 they released a track together, but made no obvious hints to their fandoms that they were more than close friends. It was a well known fact to ARMY and to her fans that she was close to the group, often being called their best friend, so other than the few fans who shipped him with anyone he made music for, no one put two and two together. The sun was shining so brightly on them, maybe too bright… and now the memories were like stones adding to the weight of the ring he had carried in his pocket everytime he was with her for six months before the accident and now that lies against his chest on a small hidden chain. 

  she was the only one who had the ability to make the world stop spinning as she had. 

 It was late at night when it happened. Just around 3:45am according to the first responders. That minute still haunted his dreams and it was almost like clockwork that he would jolt awake at that exact every night and turn to her side of their once shared bed to find that, no, it was not a dream. The bed really was empty to never be filled again. December 12th had now come to haunt him. Of all the things he could do with his fame and fortune, one of the few he couldn’t do was stop the car from hitting hers. She had been coming back to their shared apartment after a late rehearsal for her upcoming comeback with her group, G/N, for the first time in almost a year. The wind was blowing, but there was no rain and the night had been clear. It should have been an easy drive home, but there was just enough water on the road that the other car lost control. The cars collided head on.They promised him she had felt nothing, no pain. She was gone and her light had gone with her too. She had gone and taken the sun with her. He had gone numb to deal with it all. If he couldn’t feel anything he didn’t have to feel the pain of her not being there anymore, but it came crashing down on him almost a month  after her passing. The 2020 Golden Disk Awards. Their collaboration from almost a year earlier had been nominated at almost every award show, but this was the only award it had won. He stood on the stage alone, holding a meaningless piece of plastic in his hands, looking out into the crowd who were hushed. The last month had been hard on all of those who had known her and her fans who had mourned publicly and through social media platforms. He couldn’t bring himself to speak and as he tried he was overwhelmed with his emotions finally hitting him. He began to sob unable to continue he muttered a low apology before turning to leave the stage and as he walked off he heard the clapping of the crowd, but it was in excitement. No, this applause was in solidarity for the loss of someone who added an irreplaceable brightness to the world. It was in those few moments he took to collect himself that he accepted things. He decided to let her memory guide him and while he knew it would be hard,but he would dishonor her if he didn’t keep going. The days got better, but many of them were still and he leaned on his members to get him through it. His fans helped him unknowingly by giving him the drive to write more and share his emotions through songs. His second mixtape was in the works and for the better part was finished. However there was one more track he had to add to the mixtape. He had discussed it with Bang Si-Hyuk and cleared it with Y/N’s former company head JYP. In her life they had never gotten the chance to share their love with their fans, but he would honor her and the love they shared in his music.  

  When the mixtape dropped along with the music video for the main track, ARMY blew up on the internet. It didn’t take them long to start talking about the last track on the release and the reactions were mixed,but more than anything else the fans shared in his heart break. He knew he would have to address it in his live when he discussed the mixtape and he was ready to let them in. The live was generally upbeat as they went through the tracks and he ignored the questions about the ending song until after it had played. The haunting sound bite at the end of the song, rendering him almost in tears as it played through his studio, her voice as through a voicemail, ended the song. “ I can’t wait to see you when I get home, even though I know you’ll be asleep before I get there. I love you, Min Yoongi.” 

 He took a deep breath before telling everyone watching their story, even answering some questions in a light hearted manner. He told them of how they had gotten scolded together by Namjoon after he had found out, but even after giving them a hard time he kept their secret until the other found out. He was drawing to the end of his live and was finishing his telling of their love story.

“ and for a short time, she was mine. She was mine to love and I will always love her. I just wish we had forgotten the forever I had planned for us.” as he finished his sentence he pulled the small chain he had hidden under his shirt out and the ring that hung from it glinted in the dim lights of the studio. Saying nothing more about the topic, he continued with the live and finished it as he always would. 

 He didn’t really bring it up again to the public like that, but more often than not you could always see the small silver chain around his neck with the engagement ring he never got to give proudly on said chain. He always put a hand to it when he or his group would win an award, almost like he could feel her when he touched it.

#BTS #bts imagines #SUGA #BTS suga #bts suga imagine #angst #suga angst #suga imagine #min yoongi #min yoongi imagine #min yoongi angst #bts sad #bts sad imagine #agust d #agust d imagine

[fulfillinglife2021]

My Full Truth

I’m sorry that I have always been such a lousy partner in my relationships.

Carissa, we were together from 2003 to 2008.  I cheated on you 3 times.  Once with Collette in 2006, once with Linda in 2007, and once with Crystal in 2008. I am remarkably sorry for my behavior.  I was a dumb, young, cheating asshole.  I lacked maturity in every sense of the word.  I didn’t understand what true loyalty meant in a relationship.  Although I kept my actions a secret, I know that I hurt you.  I deserve your ire, even though you never knew to express it.  I regret my actions, and one day, I hope to have he courage to tell you, and ask for your forgiveness.

—- Crystal, we met in late 2008 and I was infatuated with you from that very first moment.  I never cheated on you, but I was still inexperienced when it came to understanding, and expressing my love, and my sexuality.  I am sorry that I came on so strong, and scared you away.  you left me in early 2009, and I made it so much worse after the fact.  I dragged your name through the mud in a form of petty revenge for the heartache you caused me.  I am so sorry if that had long-standing effects on your life. —- Alexis, we weren’t together for a particularly long time, from May 2009 till August 2009.  I knew from our 2nd date that you and I werent going to mesh well.  But I decided to play along, and make you believe we were an element.  You had gotten me a job when I needed one, and I was afraid that if I broke up with you, I’d lose my job as well.  So I knowingly led you on for a few months before I had to break it off.  In that time, I met someone, and started dating them without your knowing.  It was a month into dating the both of you that I decided to break it off with you.  All of this was in extremely poor taste on my part.  You were a good, decent, love struck person, and I took advantage of you to keep my job.  I am eternally sorry for what I’ve done.  We haven’t spoken since 2009, I don’t know where you are or what you are doing, but I do want you to know, that I apologize for my actions. —- Lori J when I met you, and started dating you, it was under false pretenses.  I was dating Alexis at the time, but wasn’t interested in her.  I met you in June of 2009, and we stared dating in July of that same year.  I was honest about Alexis with you after about a week into our relationship.  The whole time we were together, I was immensely attracted to you, but felt that we didn’t click on any other level than sexually.  We broke up in Sept of 2009, and I can say that I never cheated on you, despite the fact that you accused me of it repeatedly.  Never the less, I did enjoy my time with you, and was sorry to see that ending our relationship was so hard on you. —- Lori F, the woman who would become my wife.  We met in November of 2009 in person.  For over 11 years I have loved you, and would have done nearly anything for you.  But I regret to admit, I treated our relationship worst of all when it came to my philandering.  

I cheated on you, a lot.  I slept with Carissa when you and I were first dating.  I also slept with Jenny, and Niki one night stands at separate times.  I was also openly flirting with 3 other women from work, Cheryl, Marissa, and Kira.  This was all in the period when I was referring  to us as casual dating.  When we finally took the step to being in a committed relationship, I stopped sleeping around, for a few years.   3 years later, I had become a real flirt again with the same 3 women from my job. I also began to steadily flirt with our friend Kim.  The two of us had arranged to meet privately, but in the last moment, I called it off because I didn’t want her to cheat on her boyfriend as well.  At the same time, Flirting had gotten so intense between me and Kira, we wound up sleeping together.  

You and I got married in July of 2013, but I had actively made it a point to sleep with one last person before we got married.  3 days before our wedding, I met Jennifer in Las Vegas.  I had been chatting and flirting with her for months before hand, and convinced her to meet me there to have a fling before I was married.   After that, I remained loyal to our marriage for 4 years till 2017, when we had built up a fair bit of resentment towards one another.  I went looking online to start flirting again.  At the same time, I had just been urged to start talking and patch things up with Crystal.  The opportunity was there, and I took it.  Crystal and I began flirting.  At the same time, I reached out to Carissa, and slept with her again, while you were out of town at a show.  

In 2018, flirting with Crystal became an almost daily thing.  By the fall of 2018, I took several jobs in the midwest that would take me closer to her for a short time, and for a single night, I met her in a hotel in Michigan, and we slept together.  

The two of us continued our flirting over the next year, and we would meet up again a couple more times in fall of 2019.  After which she begged me to come back in December of that year for a full week, and I did.  It was at this point I had my car accident, and knew I couldn’t hide my behavior anymore.   Although I knew I had done wrong, I chose not to own up to what I had done, and lied about it to you.  At the same time, I also chose not to stop talking to Crystal.  I did try on and off throughout 2020 to cut things off, but I found myself growing very lonely in your absence, and kept seeking Crystal out to fill that void.  It wasn’t till Jan of 2021 that I finally did cut off communication with Crystal, we haven’t spoken at length since the 3rd week of Jan 2021.

In early 2020, I discovered you were having your own affair, and after doing some digging, saw that you were partaking in the exact same behaviors I was and you had been for years.  For the first time, I felt the actions of what I had been doing, from the other side of the experience.  For the first time, I really saw how badly my actions were hurting the people around me.  And for the first time, I felt real, deep remorse for what I had done.  I felt it so badly that I could not fully put it to words, I knew then that I was being punished for my years of horrendous behavior.  That I would feel every ounce of grief I had inflicted on the people I had hurt.  These were the consequences of my actions.  I deserved what I got.

That all being said, I never expected you to fully leave me.  I never thought you’d dive full in to an extra marital affair, and maintain it for over a year.  Something beyond sex.  Something beyond physical attraction.  You found love in someone else, and ran away to pursue it.  I know you are chasing your happiness.  I don’t want to stand in your way.  You deserve to be happy.  You deserve to be in a better relationship than the one I’d be able to offer you.  I am a liar, and a cheater, and I have been since the early parts of our relationship.  You should leave me behind.  I just wish you’d gone about this in a very different way.

My bad behavior doesn’t excuse your bad behavior.  Likewise, your bad behavior doesn’t excuse mine.  I don’t want you to lie to me, I don’t want you to cheat on me.  I want you to be better than me. Now, because of what I’ve felt and the intense emotions and ramifications of my actions I’ve needed to face, I don’t want to lie or cheat anymore either.  

I want to be a better person.  I need to be a better person.  Whether our futures have us staying together or not, I swear I will be the best person I can be going forward no matter what relationship I am in.  I have felt the pain, and I know that it has changed me for the better. I’m sorry for what I did to you.  I’m sorry for every single second of my deplorable actions.  I’m sorry for choosing to be my worst self, when I had so many opportunities not to be.  Where we are now, is my fault.  I started us down this path and invited this bad karma and bad energy into our lives.  I ruined our marriage long before you started flirting with others as well.  I wish we could both come back to the table acknowledging our faults and pledging to be better people, but in truth, you deserve better than me.  You deserve to be happy, and I pray that you do find your happiness. Lori, I am sorry.  I am so very sorry.  Please forgive me.