#I know how to do emotional labor

[sergle]

There's something about like. A certain genre of posts / Online Opinions about insecurity/depression/misery/complaints that are so unhelpful that they wrap right around to being straight up hilarious. and it's the ones that are more or less written to the tone of "Feeling bad? That's gross!" Like, just so you know, don't voice your insecurities/ have low self esteem, because that's offputting! You're gross and weird. Don't be insecure about that, though. That would be stupid if you felt insecure about people disliking you for being insecure. Not attractive. You should be thinking about being as attractive as possible. You shouldn't make comments about suicide, even if you're suicidal! Keep those thoughts entirely to yourself. Make sure nobody around you knows you're thinking about this. It would Make Them Uncomfortable. It's better to keep these thoughts in your head where they can fester. Don't post OR talk to friends with complaints about you feeling miserable or depressed. Tbh people who are sad/upset a lot? Kinda a red flag! You are probably miserable because you're a bad person and you've brought this on yourself. If you don't have friends, it's because you're awful to be around. Easy! Solved the problem for you. And no, there is no nuance to this, got it? So, make sure to feel bad about feeling bad, but don't feel bad about it, because, well, that's just gross. And annoying! You might've wanted your brain rotted thoughts to be Peer Reviewed, you might have just needed to vent- you might've been hoping for some comfort, to get things off your chest. Well, don't! Don't talk about thoughts or feelings that are negative with your friends, you'd be burdening them and that's only meant for THERAPY. #SponsoredbyBetterHelp #MentalHealth like, DAMN. that's so helpful. you're so good at helping. I um really liked the part where these are all hard and fast rules that encourage keeping feelings bottled up and keeping your friends at arm's length. That's really funny of you.

#I FEEL LIKE COMPLAINING RN in the context of this alternate universe these posts live in. that makes me evil rn. I may not even keep #the post up. but I Needed to complain about these bc I hate seeing them #really funny and good because it very much feeds into that part of the brain where you go wait am I stupid? am I horrible? am I annoying? #before you express any kind of personal feelings. from feeling insecure alll the way down the spectrum to feeling like your life is over #before anyone How Dare You Say We Piss On The Poor-s at me YES there is a nuanced version of this #which is. you can make someone feel like shit (A Fellow Sufferer Of The Mental Eelnesses) by using them as your dumping ground #in excess and usually with no regard for how they feel and without Regular conversations inbetween #and in a one-sided way where they can't do the same and complain with you as a sounding board in return #don't tell new friends you hardly know abt THE MOST personal shit you can possibly think of. there are steps being skipped here #right? we know this. we all know it. setting a boundary is a thing. overwhelming a person is a thing #on the other hand there is such a thing as a friend who IS okay to listen and wants to help. and friends who relate. #maybe talking abt personal stuff makes ppl feel closer sometimes. just a thought! maybe not everything is Emotional Labor. maybe just maybe #but like come on. these are almost intentionally unhelpful posts #long post

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

thank you WH update for confirming that Wally breathes. i really thought he didnt <3

#but also fuck it for confirming that bc it sounds like hes in pain and it hurts my shriveled heart #(keep it up the pain is top tier <3 hurt him more. but also dont. but Do. i want the emotional agony attached) #but uhhhhh seriously tho i did Not expect breathing to be in his library of skills #absolutely unprompted #welcome home #'why is that' i hear one person passively wonder #well considering that he doesnt sleep. and he doesnt eat normally - one could argue that he Doesnt eat either. #and how he Knows hes a puppet. #i really thought he wouldnt feel an innate need to keep up a charade of 'breathing' like the others who are Unaware! #BUT IT TURNS OUT ITS NOT A CHARADE AHAHA #THEY KINDA NEED TO APPARENTLY! at least i can assume so #but i was Genuinely surprised to hear wally's labored breathing in his hidden record audios #i almost paused the first one i heard to go 'what??? he can breathe??' #i had convinced myself of it so Thoroughly that i need to edit some stuff in my brain #bc oh boy i had Thoughts completely centered on that #oh well! into the fire they go!! #im happy for him. puppet man gets to enjoy the annoyance that is breathing

[dathen]

I think if I were doing a modern version of Dracula I would make Seward and Renfield roommates. Instead of having power over Renfield, Seward is morbidly curious about his unnerving roommate and his, uh, pet collections, but is caught between minding his own business and interfering. The curiosity would be partly warranted because of their shared living space and what their landlord would think of all the critters, but there’s enough ambiguity and social distance for Seward to rationalize watching it play out.

Renfield meanwhile is later revealed to be preyed on by culty influences—yes with the Dracula-worship and all—but in a way that shows how they took advantage of his search for meaning and connection etc etc like actual cults do. I feel this could be effective at showing him as a victim of manipulation, and avoiding the dehumanization of the original and the power imbalance/duty of care between him and Seward.

(I don’t actually know where his plot goes from here, so this is a brainstorm in process)

#dracula daily #renfield #jack seward #I don’t quite see how this storyline affects the larger plot #so don’t know if it would even be necessary to translate #but i will see i guess! #jack absolutely uses the phrase ‘emotional labor’ when describing why he didn’t do anything later

[ardentpoop]

sick 2 my stomach for a plethora of reasons friday

#started thinking abt how neither of my parents have ever known me and never will :) #I heavily limit criticism of my mom and dump all my resentments on my dad bc she was the one who did all (ALL) the emotional labor #in our household #but she very much fucked me up in recognizable ways too lmao #she has an extremely narrow view of the world and we’ve argued so hard it devolved into yelling sometimes but nothing changes #I get really heated when we talk abt queer issues especially to the point that if she brings anything up now I have to tell her #‘we can’t talk about that’ #she’s always like ‘why do you get so angry abt this. is there something you’re not telling me’ #and I’m always like ‘you definitely know queer people irl they just don’t feel safe/comfortable disclosing their identity to you’ #and she still refuses to see it lmao. which is why I can say that much #I know it’s like completely unfathomable to her. something that happens to other ppl’s kids #even more so with my dad of course - he views certain people as just like. subhuman. not worth having any kind of discussion about #I don’t feel comfortable having a conversation with him abt ANYTHING lol he is a fundamentally unsafe person to me #but I can’t ever express that without wounding him deeply (everything is about respect with him)

[comfycozycrossfox]

i don’t think i’ll ever fully understand how typical friendship is supposed to work

#what’s the normal level of codependency #is my random questions about mental illness and trauma weird or just like normal bonding #is my expectation for how often i want to talk too high #what are you generally just not supposed to share with people #i know that the answer to all of this is generally that these are rules you make up together #it’s based on the individual relationship #how do i start that conversation so i know? #how bizarre is it to say ‘hey can we review/set boundaries’ #what do i do if they think that that’s weird? or somehow emotional labor? just off myself??? #i’m SO autistic i just. like i #my friends are relationships are more important to me than anything else #i don’t want to accidentally annoy or bother people fucking ever #and i just want the FUCKING RULESSS #welcome to redd’s autism hour

[linddzz]

"are you proship or anti?" I don't care

#i know people get Big Opinions and damage has been done but G O D #i dont care about this fight #i can not summon the emotional energy to pick a side of a cesspit of internet drama when like #theres so much more i feel its worth getting mad at #'are you anti-anti i need to know before i follow' i spent my emotional labor chips coming up with contingency plans #for what to do if my marriage gets dissolved #why tf would i declare a side in some ultra niche internet war over the nuances of censorship #or nuances of kink i guess??? idk what the lines of this stupid fight are about because i know enough to know its way more complex and dumb #than how people smash their blorbos faces together #even these tags are more thought than i wanted to put into it #i dont care this does not actually effect wider society it is a distraction from legit problems #im so. friggin tired. of seeing it everywhere. oh my god. #anyway ill probably delete later its just every time this stupid fight comes across my dash its more and more clear to me #that no one could have made a more perfect psyops to derail peoples anger #to be clear i dont think its a formulated psyops i think people did this on their own and its dumb

[void-tiger]

[updates pfp to something Slightly more recent ish]

[gets around 20 likes and two comments from family, old classmates, and old teachers]

[sees a random post. reads its comments]

[instantly remembers why I don’t use that site aside from it collecting and selling my data and heavily doctoring what posts and from who and when I’m “allowed” to see.]

[closes app.]

[tries to breathe out the urge to smash something against the wall. breathes in. breathes out.]

#tiger’s roar #god I hate facebook #and I’m sick of the barrage of hate introverts dish out against Not Introverts #’iF yOU wANNA bE aROUND sOMEoNE a LoT i dON’T tRUSt yOU.’ #aight. fuck you too ig #[closes post. closes past] #[deals with RSD and anxiety/depression that Instantly got triggered by FB and That Post Too] #anyway. fuck the ‘extroverts do the adopting and should dish out 90% of effort esp if women but also we hate extroverts’ TM #i really really despise how women and extroverts (fuck me for being both) are demanded to carry all the emotional labor #while Also getting Slammed or Snubbed as ‘too forward’ when I try #and seeing that? yeah. that makes me question if the friendship I had with that FB friend when we were teens was even real at all #fuck me for needing communication and connection ‘more than’ the actually introverts~ #why do I Present as quiet or shy IRL? this. this is why. #anyone who really KNOWS me KNOWS that’s my anxiety vs personality or preferense but like. wdyd.

[dilfpassing]

I keep getting asked to pet sit and im happy to do it but it's always for dogs and it just makes me realize I do not like 90% of dogs actually

#unless i like hand raised a dog and have an emotional bond to it #its just like .... there #plus none of these dogs know how to play fetch #but im done a 2.5 week stint tomorrow and then im off for a week and then im doing it the week after too and then maybe that next week too #and THEN also labor day weekend #im a hot commodity

[younggayanddoingokay]

My eleven year old brother is literally more helpful around the house than my dad. With him at summer camp, there’s more chores to do around the house. When my dad’s not here, there’s less mess.

#i love my dad but #I’m literally not sure at this point if it’s weaponized incompetence or actual incompetence #he’s had women do shit for him his whole life #so now I have to bitch at him to pull his weight around the house or at least not make more work for me #and he just laughs and says I sound like my mom #YEAH WELL MAYBE WOMEN WOULDNT NAG YOU IF YOU DID WHAT YOU WERE FUCKING SUPPOSED RO #the emotional labor of living with this man istg #it’s literally easier when he’s away for work #he’s so much fun to be around and I love hanging out with him and going on outings #but as soon as I need him to like… help??? he’s absolutely useless #and doesn’t understand why I’m frustrated #and then he snapped at me for telling him to hurry up so he wouldn’t be late taking the boys to swim lessons #when he’s chronically late #I got the kids ready AND made his breakfast and he couldn’t even have the car ready? #like how did he not know my mom’s suv wasn’t there when she had to take it to the shop and go to school??? #like yes dad you’re taking your truck but the backseat is too loaded with all your shit #so I had to help clean that out too! #how is it possible that I can get both twins and my nephew ready AND make him his breakfast and he’s still running behind???

[thesunbrokeyourskull]

-

#I would kill my ex ‘p’ to become rich. #I would kill my ex ‘m’ to obtain even more beauty and attract even more people. #I would beat up my ex ‘b’ to the point of him almost dying to have a nice house and the best of the best of things. #I would beat up my bf ‘d’ to be more mentally stable so that I am balanced and at peace with myself and my life. #I would kill my ex ‘k’ to become a well known scholar who has many degrees in maths science and philosophy and to preform surgery&research #I would step on anybody to get to where I want to be in life if it meant making myself happy. #I just manipulated my bf into feeling bad for me because I genuinely just want to feel good and secure even if that’s at his expense. #he’s right.. I don’t care about anyone more than myself and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. why should I put someone above myself? #I’ll tell you what.. until someone can show me that being a good honest generous person can get me anywhere I’ll keep doing what works :) #grey god #puppets #and I genuinely just don’t like or care for others. there’s always something I want in return when it comes to relationships with others. #I find humans disgusting and faulty and I don’t care if I add to their pain because it’s usually to benefit me and if it doesn’t it’s to- #-get back at others for hurting me. or I’m bored. I probably have the most sick and twisted mind of anyone I know. I think people know that #-tho but they still keep me around and help me out whenever I need it. it’s all a show for me and for them. people are so stupid and they #-genuinely think doing the right think helps them. it doesn’t. it’s kind of sad. I just know that once ‘d’ realizes I’ve taken him for - #-everything he’s got it’ll be too late and he’ll have to deal with how much better I am than him and how much I’ve grown leeching off of- #-his emotional labor. I just jump from one person to another taking what I want and what I can. I don’t think I’ve genuinely loved anyone. #I’ve always been this way. I almost love people but then I just truly don’t. it’s more fun to see how far I can break them before #-they can’t do it anymore. I hope that everyone I’ve ever hurt continues to hurt forever and that they never grown or evolve. #’d’ told me tonight that I ruined his life. ‘b’ told me I ruined him. ‘m’ is a coward and he said he’ll never love again. #’k’ is a used up simple minded loser. ‘p’ is a stunted delusion addict with me issues for the rest of his life. notice I said me issues and #not daddy or mommy issues lol. I have tricked them all. they are all pathetic and whimpy fucks. #the day I grinded against ‘d’s sluty ass again after I ‘raped him’ he told me to go slow but it made me think.. what if I just raped him? #I could just do it and he won’t do shit about it. he’ll forgive me like always. he’s an insecure loser. I wanted to just take my dick- #and shove it down his throat and then ruin his hole with it #but I didn’t. I respected what he said but the fact that I thought about it isn’t good.

[i-am-megalodonna]

I don't want to be insensitive to the plights of my friends but I gotta say the more I hear about relationships and shit the happier I get that I might be aroace

#im completely incapable of doing emotional labor for other people sorry ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #people vent to me and I'm just like ''damn that sucks'' becuase what the fuck else am i supposed to say #i deadass need a tutorial for how to sympathize with other people #also because others get into way crazier shit than i do ig #i have pretty good relationships with my parents teachers and peers #granted if i have issues i just. dont talk about them. which probably isn't ideal technically speaking #i guess because if I don't think they can help i don't see reason to put them in the situation of having to know that stuff #because it's always uncomfortable for me yknow #idk #megalodonspeaks

[hamletthedane]

I was meeting a client at a famous museum’s lounge for lunch (fancy, I know) and had an hour to kill afterwards so I joined the first random docent tour I could find. The woman who took us around was a great-grandmother from the Bronx “back when that was nothing to brag about” and she was doing a talk on alternative mediums within art.

What I thought that meant: telling us about unique sculpture materials and paint mixtures.

What that actually meant: an 84yo woman gingerly holding a beautifully beaded and embroidered dress (apparently from Ukraine and at least 200 years old) and, with tears in her eyes, showing how each individual thread was spun by hand and weaved into place on a cottage floor loom, with bright blue silk embroidery thread and hand-blown beads intricately piercing the work of other labor for days upon days, as the labor of a dozen talented people came together to make something so beautiful for a village girl’s wedding day.

What it also meant: in 1948, a young girl lived in a cramped tenement-like third floor apartment in Manhattan, with a father who had just joined them after not having been allowed to escape through Poland with his pregnant wife nine years earlier. She sits in her father’s lap and watches with wide, quiet eyes as her mother’s deft hands fly across fabric with bright blue silk thread (echoing hands from over a century years earlier). Thread that her mother had salvaged from white embroidery scraps at the tailor’s shop where she worked and spent the last few days carefully dying in the kitchen sink and drying on the roof.

The dress is in the traditional Hungarian fashion and is folded across her mother’s lap: her mother doesn’t had a pattern, but she doesn’t need one to make her daughter’s dress for the fifth grade dance. The dress would end up differing significantly from the pure white, petticoated first communion dresses worn by her daughter’s majority-Catholic classmates, but the young girl would love it all the more for its uniqueness and bright blue thread.

And now, that same young girl (and maybe also the villager from 19th century Ukraine) stands in front of us, trying not to clutch the old fabric too hard as her voice shakes with the emotion of all the love and humanity that is poured into the labor of art. The village girl and the girl in the Bronx were very different people: different centuries, different religions, different ages, and different continents. But the love in the stitches and beads on their dresses was the same. And she tells us that when we look at the labor of art, we don’t just see the work to create that piece - we see the labor of our own creations and the creations of others for us, and the value in something so seemingly frivolous.

But, maybe more importantly, she says that we only admire this piece in a museum because it happened to survive the love of the wearer and those who owned it afterwards, but there have been quite literally billions of small, quiet works of art in billions of small, quiet homes all over the world, for millennia. That your grandmother’s quilt is used as a picnic blanket just as Van Gogh’s works hung in his poor friends’ hallways. That your father’s hand-painted model plane sets are displayed in your parents’ livingroom as Grecian vases are displayed in museums. That your older sister’s engineering drawings in a steady, fine-lined hand are akin to Da Vinci’s scribbles of flying machines.

I don’t think there’s any dramatic conclusions to be drawn from these thoughts - they’ve been echoed by thousands of other people across the centuries. However, if you ever feel bad for spending all of your time sewing, knitting, drawing, building lego sets, or whatever else - especially if you feel like you have to somehow monetize or show off your work online to justify your labor - please know that there’s an 84yo museum docent in the Bronx who would cry simply at the thought of you spending so much effort to quietly create something that’s beautiful to you.

#shut up e #long post #Saturday thoughts #this has been in my drafts for a week haha #also this is the heart of why AI art feels so wrong #forget the discussion of copyright and theft etc - even if models were only trained on public domain they would still feel very wrong #because they’re not art. art is the labor of creation #even commercial art and art commissioned by the popes and kings of history: there is humanity in the labor of it #unrelated: I did not know living in the Bronx was now something to brag about. How the fuck do y’all New Yorkers afford this city???

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

#well I didn’t get any answers or clarity but I did get a fight and a whole lot of stress so that’s something huh #you get a clean slate and I get to keep carrying the emotional burden #doesn’t matter what I need/want I can’t barely talk about anything because it’s just too hard for you #and rather than helping me understand by talking things out with me and giving me an explanation I get this same argumentative bullshit #so my mind is going to go to whatever reason it can find even if it’s not the right reason or it’s a really bad one or whatever #so I just get stuck with this anxiety and intrusive thoughts and guilt and everything else #this is when I start to see just how worth it to be with you it’s not #this is when I want to distance myself until I can just cut you off #this is when I want to hurt you the way you’ve hurt me and turn everything around on you because you deserve it #I know I’ve tagged this lyric in several of my recent posts but here it is again because it’s so fitting #for somebody I thought was my savior you sure make me do a whole lot of labor #personal

[hyperlexichypatia]

As I keep shouting into the void, pathologizers love shifting discussion about material conditions into discussion about emotional states.

I rant approximately once a week about how the brain maturity myth transmuted “Young adults are too poor to move out of their parents’ homes or have children of their own” into “Young adults are too emotionally and neurologically immature to move out of their parents’ homes or have children of their own.”

I’ve also talked about the misuse of “enabling” and “trauma” and “dopamine” .

And this is a pattern – people coin terms and concepts to describe material problems, and pathologization culture shifts them to be about problems in the brain or psyche of the person experiencing them. Now we’re talking about neurochemicals, frontal lobes, and self-esteem instead of talking about wages, wealth distribution, and civil rights. Now we can say that poor, oppressed, and exploited people are suffering from a neurological/emotional defect that makes them not know what’s best for themselves, so they don’t need or deserve rights or money.

Here are some terms that have been so horribly misused by mental health culture that we’ve almost entirely forgotten that they were originally materialist critiques.

Codependency What it originally referred to: A non-addicted person being overly “helpful” to an addicted partner or relative, often out of financial desperation. For example: Making sure your alcoholic husband gets to work in the morning (even though he’s an adult who should be responsible for himself) because if he loses his job, you’ll lose your home. https://www.nytimes.com/2022/07/08/opinion/codependency-addiction-recovery.html What it’s been distorted into: Being “clingy,” being “too emotionally needy,” wanting things like affection and quality time from a partner. A way of pathologizing people, especially young women, for wanting things like love and commitment in a romantic relationship.

Compulsory Heterosexuality What it originally referred to: In the 1980 in essay "Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence," https://www.journals.uchicago.edu/doi/abs/10.1086/493756 Adrienne Rich described compulsory heterosexuality as a set of social conditions that coerce women into heterosexual relationships and prioritize those relationships over relationships between women (both romantic and platonic). She also defines “lesbian” much more broadly than current discourse does, encompassing a wide variety of romantic and platonic relationships between women. While she does suggest that women who identify as heterosexual might be doing so out of unquestioned social norms, this is not the primary point she’s making. What it’s been distorted into: The patronizing, biphobic idea that lesbians somehow falsely believe themselves to be attracted to men. Part of the overall “Women don’t really know what they want or what’s good for them” theme of contemporary discourse.

Emotional Labor What it originally referred to: The implicit or explicit requirement that workers (especially women workers, especially workers in female-dominated “pink collar” jobs, especially tipped workers) perform emotional intimacy with customers, coworkers, and bosses above and beyond the actual job being done. Having to smile, be “friendly,” flirt, give the impression of genuine caring, politely accept harassment, etc. https://weld.la.psu.edu/what-is-emotional-labor/ What it’s been distorted into: Everything under the sun. Everything from housework (which we already had a term for), to tolerating the existence of disabled people, to just caring about friends the way friends do. The original intent of the concept was “It’s unreasonable to expect your waitress to care about your problems, because she’s not really your friend,” not “It’s unreasonable to expect your actual friends to care about your problems unless you pay them, because that’s emotional labor,” and certainly not “Disabled people shouldn’t be allowed to be visibly disabled in public, because witnessing a disabled person is emotional labor.” Anything that causes a person emotional distress, even if that emotional distress is rooted in the distress-haver’s bigotry (Many nominally progressive people who would rightfully reject the bigoted logic of “Seeing gay or interracial couples upsets me, which is emotional labor, so they shouldn’t be allowed to exist in public” fully accept the bigoted logic of “Seeing disabled or poor people upsets me, which is emotional labor, so they shouldn’t be allowed to exist in public”).

Battered Wife Syndrome What it originally referred to: The all-encompassing trauma and fear of escalating violence experienced by people suffering ongoing domestic abuse, sometimes resulting in the abuse victim using necessary violence in self-defense. Because domestic abuse often escalates, often to murder, this fear is entirely rational and justified. This is the reasonable, justified belief that someone who beats you, stalks you, and threatens to kill you may actually kill you.

What it’s been distorted into: Like so many of these other items, the idea that women (in this case, women who are victims of domestic violence) don’t know what’s best for themselves. I debated including this one, because “syndrome” was a wrongful framing from the beginning – a justified and rational fear of escalating violence in a situation in which escalating violence is occurring is not a “syndrome.” But the original meaning at least partially acknowledged the material conditions of escalating violence.

I’m not saying the original meanings of these terms are ones I necessarily agree with – as a cognitive liberty absolutist, I’m unsurprisingly not that enamored of either second-wave feminism or 1970s addiction discourse. And as much as I dislike what “emotional labor” has become, I accept that “Women are unfairly expected to care about other people’s feelings more than men are” is a true statement.

What I am saying is that all of these terms originally, at least partly, took material conditions into account in their usage. Subsequent usage has entirely stripped the materialist critique and fully replaced it with emotional pathologization, specifically of women. Acknowledgement that women have their choices constrained by poverty, violence, and oppression has been replaced with the idea that women don’t know what’s best for themselves and need to be coercively “helped” for their own good. Acknowledgement that working-class women experience a gender-and-class-specific form of economic exploitation has been rebranded as yet another variation of “Disabled people are burdensome for wanting to exist.”

Over and over, materialist critiques are reframed as emotional or cognitive defects of marginalized people. The next time you hear a superficially sympathetic (but actually pathologizing) argument for “Marginalized people make bad choices because…” consider stopping and asking: “Wait, who are we to assume that this person’s choices are ‘bad’? And if they are, is there something about their material conditions that constrains their options or makes the ‘bad’ choice the best available option?”

#mad pride #neurodiversity #ableism #ageism #youth rights #liberation #disability rights #classism #capitalism #mental health culture #pop psychology #feminism #emotional labor

[notfullyfunctional]

Lol wtf is support

#ive been at it alone since day one THANKS #shoutout to when i thought i ahould just be more open and trusting #and homeboy just called me stupid and annoying and said i was toxic for getting hospitalized lol #not even toxic for emotional labor or ahit like that #dude was straight up like it was really toxic of you to be incapacitated in the icu #thanks man. #definitely didn't cement a lot of shitty things i learned in my childhood #sorry i fucking. had to go get help from proffessionals #ik it was really inconvenient that i couldn't fucking. text for 2 weeks #ik that was a really shitty thing to put you through when i was in the worst physical and mental states of my life #yknow. not texting. #i did fight tooth and nail to let you know where i was and how to contact me and you chose not to #but im definitely toxic for not being able to text you while i was in the psych word #and yknow. having everyone tell me i might have permanent brain and cardiac damage #not being able to talk or walk properly for a few days #but uh yeah. you're right lol #i dont deserve any support during that time bc im toxic for mildy inconveniencing you by... not being able to text #SURE WHY NOT #im typing this like i think he's the asshole #and sometimes i do think that #but 90% of the time i feel evil for this shit #idk maybe i am #everyone reading this pls comment with an aita rating #not even a joke. my anons are on. aita

[buckyalpine]

Reader that always cries/tries not to cry. As someone who has been yelled at for crying and who is extra sensitive, I live for the angst where the reader struggles to hold their emotions followed by all the fluff, comfort and reassurance.

-

"But-it feels like you don't care Bucky!"

"I told you I was busy y/n!" Bucky sighed out of frustration, running his fingers through his short locks, "You know how stressful this job is, it's not like I cancel our dates on purpose"

You couldn't help but feel a tinge of neglect as you stood in front of your boyfriend, fully dressed for your date only for him to text you that it would have to happen another night.

Again.

"I haven't seen you in weeks. You go for days without answering your phone. I only call you because I care about you, I love you" You could already feel the warning signs making their way throughout your body. Your throat felt tight making it difficult to swallow. Your eyes stung with fresh tears. Your nose felt warm, threatening to sniffle.

"Yeah I get that," He scoffed, shaking his head in annoyance. "I just don't know if you understand how much I have to do in a day"

"I'm not stupid Bucky" Your voice started to crack, feeling worse for adding to his stress as your own emotions started to crumble. You wanted to hold it together, to have one conversation where you didn't break but-

"But you don't get it- c'mon y/n, don't cry" Bucky bit out, the words coming out harsher than he intended, not realizing how much it would upset you. You bit your lip harder to keep your chin from trembling, fat tears threatening to slip out the more you tried to blink them back. Your throat ached, constricting your neck more and more.

"I-I'm s-sorry" You choked out, hating yourself even more for getting emotional, the frustration evident in your voice. You harshly wiped your face between hiccups, letting out a frustrated groan. Bucky blinked, his previous annoyance replaced with regret seeing how upset you were with yourself.

"I-I don't mean t-to cry" You dug your nails into your palms to try and get yourself together, your body betraying you wish a fresh wave of tears only making you feel worse, "I don't want to!"

Your body trembled, your arms moving to hug yourself in an attempt to hide away, squeezing yourself together to gain some semblance of control. Bucky cursed internally, now pissed at himself for losing his patience when you were only upset for not being able to see him. You never asked for much; the only thing you wanted was to spend time with him and recently he hadn't been doing that either.

"Hey-no-baby shhh, c'mere" Bucky pulled you to his chest, pressing his lips to the top of your head, rubbing your back up and down to calm your labored breaths. "Its not you angel, its me. I'm the one whose sorry, I shouldn't have spoken like that to you or said that, I'm sorry sweet girl"

"I-c-cry for-for everything" Your voice cracked into a defeated sob, embarrassed over how easily you broke down to tears, a new wave streaming down your face, wetting the front of his Henley. Bucky picked you up in his arms, carrying you over to bed where he could place you in his lap, cradling you to his body. "I h-hate it"

"My sweet, sensitive baby" Bucky cooed as he continued to cuddle you, rocking you in his arms while you got your breathing under control. "I'm sorry babygirl"

"I just missed you" You sniffled, clutching onto his dogtags while he kissed your temple repeatedly, stroking your hair.

"You have every right to be upset. I should be lucky my girl loves me so much, you don't even ask for a lot. I'm sorry I've been neglecting and cancelling on you so much, m'gonna take some time off so I can love on you properly"

You smiled into his chest, your body finally starting to relax, following the rise and fall of his chest.

"I'm sorry I cry so much- Bucky tipped your face up, pressing his lips against yours to stop your rambling.

"No, you cry as much as you want with me, I love that about you, okay?" He looked at your sincerely, meaning every word.

"But-

"You cry because you care. I love that you care so much. I love that cute little animal videos make you emotional. I love how deeply you feel for others. Fuck, I love how much you love me. I'll never meet anyone else who loves and cares for others the way you do. Don't ever change baby, you cry all you want"

You let out a small sniffle at his words making him chuckle, swiping his thumb across your cheek to wipe the tear the slipped out.

"What if it annoys you" you pouted while Bucky playfully pondered your question, pecking your lips again.

"Hmm, then you send Steve to beat me up. I promise he'll run at the chance at any given moment. Call Sam in too and get comfy with those fuzzy peaches you love so much"

"You sure?"

"I'm sure, doll" Bucky whispered, settling you under the covers with your head on his chest, planning to spend the rest of the day cuddling in bed. "Very sure"

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