#I also have low empathy that I can't control so I just can't guess or imagine how others might hypothetically react to what I'm creating | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sundays-wing-piercing · 7 days

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Hello there! I've been reading through your works and i love how you write Sunday!!

If your requests are open, I wanted to ask something that takes place at the end of the 2.2 quest so if you haven't done it yet, no worries, you can just ignore this ask!

But if you have played through it… I started thinking about nameless! reader on that stage of the theatre, you know the one where MC and Sunday (who's in that gigantic robot) have that exchange "why does life slumber?" "Because… someday… we'll all wake up from our dreams!" "😮") and then the robot with Sunday inside starts falling off the suspended stage etc.

So, I started thinking about nameless! reader starting to weep, while the everyone else (I think it was the full express crew?) is still on that stage, because of everything that happened. Like sure everyone was exhausted and all that unfolded so far probably took a toll on them, so breaking down after everything is done is normal but for reader there's also something else as they see Sunday fall down (I guess figuratively, too) and regain lucidity after the madness he went through (partially related, but i read someone saying that Sunday ended up being controlled by Ena the Order just like how it happened eras ago before her fall and people exulted that she finally fell and the controlling order was no more).

Omg I'm sorry for the long ask 😅 if you even just read through it I'll be happy. Have a wonderful dayyy

Thank you for the ask!! Also, nuh uh don't apologize for yapping im a long text lover this made my day (stay yapping pooks) also out of topic but I love the way you described the last cutscene

Alright im sorry if I interpret this wrong but I think it's obvious the cause would be a feeling of empathy. So first maybe you're someone who's view is similar to that of Robin in which no matter how low a point gets as long as you're alive you'll still be able to get back up and be better. I hope I phrased it right but basically it's hopeful. Even after seeing this guy through his peak madness, his lowest point, something in you hopes for him to get a good ending. For the siblings to finally fly together and thus seeing him just fall like that, basically him giving up and accepting that he'll never be any better than this, you can't help but feel sad for this guy.

Not to mention the fact that after the whole grand theatre incident, Sunday was not only wanted but also missing (if I remember correctly, sry if im wrong) and you can't help but feel even worse as you see Robin desperate to get any info on his wellbeing. How even after all that, the siblings are yet again grieving. Their dream still far from their reach. The thought alone clouds your brain with nothing but sorrow as you cried for them.

Option two is something I thought about more is imagine you absolutely resonating with him. As he goes on with ideology and beliefs ("Everyday should be Sunday" -Sunday Oak) no matter how dehumanizing or flat out baffling they may be a small part of you agrees with him because you yourself have been in that situation, you once believed in the things he's saying, you were once in his position. But unlike Sunday, you've grown to take on a better mindset. Maybe your journeys as a nameless has helped you become a better person. Not immediately but that's alright, in the end you've made way bigger of a progress from what you started out as.

It's mostly the same as the first but this time it hits harder because it's not some baseless optimism. You yourself are a living proof of it. You can't help but feel guilty. But why? Just the sole fact that you both experienced a similar misery but ended with two endings that are opposite to one another makes you feel sorta crappy for simply being happy.

Both end with you praying to whichever Aeon hears your pleas as you wish mercy upon a fallen angel.

#Slowly starting to answer ask again pls let me take my time #No proofread so sry if its shitty #ai rants #hsr sunday #sunday hsr #honkai star rail x reader #hsr sunday x reader #sunday x reader #hsr x reader #honkai star rail sunday

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yueasuka · 4 months

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Marinette is a bad leader

There I say it...

As a leader, Marinette sure has... some trait that make her not fitted for a leader position. Namely :

Avoidant Low empathy Control freak

I don't care whatever character in universe preach about her being a great leader, the show show otherwise to me. Here some opinion :

Being a leader means she MUST communicate about pretty much anything necessary for the battle, her intend and strategy and also make sure her teamate have high morale. There's no "Follow me and guess what my plan is" and there's no planning behind someone's back, especially if that someone is an active participant in the battle. Being a leader also means she MUST keep your teamate in check, means asked about their well being, listened to their problem and being attentive to their need. She can't just "If you have a problem then good luck with it because I too have a problem" which is an occuring behaviour from her (NY Special, Destruction). As a leader she must put her teamate need first and foremost before her own because THEY'RE HER RESPONSIBILITY. Her avoidant trait make her literally avoiding all of it because she doesn't like "emotional talk". She's the type who's like "let's sleep and hope for all the problem just magically disappear tomorrow". She do this with Queen Bee problem, her delaying telling Chloe that she couldn't have miraculous anymore make Chloe thinking that she's still Queen Bee (her entitlement doesn't help). She do this again in s4 to Chat Noir and continue to do so in s5. Avoidant is basically the worst trait she has as a leader.

Having low empathy is probably not a big problem for a leader except, it is for Marinette. Her having low empathy caused her to make a plan without discussing it beforehand to her teamate, consent and boundaries tend to be forgotten and it is a problem as it make her forget that her teamate isn't just a pion in a chess game, they're human who have feelings and emotions. Her having low empathy make her freely do anything without discussing it before hand or, thinking about people around her. The recent case is her make a rain of rubble to fell down to Emilie's coffin, other cases is her bringing down Eifell tower (the Mime), make akuma destroy Arc de Triomphe (Anansi), and basically any plan that require her to throw Chat Noir to the akuma (Stone Heart, Backwarder, etc).

Her being control freak doesn't really help her to manage her team, which is also part of her role as a leader. Her "Follow me and just play along" is her being bad at delegating the role and communicating her intend, but that also her controlling her teamate so they're forced to focus on her and have no time to improvise beyond what she need them to. Control freak leader doesn't trust their teamate, they seek to control instead of guiding and this is what demoralise her teamate as seen in s4. Marinette control freak nature not only demoralising Chat Noir but also stunted his growth and performance in battle which resulting in LadyNoir conflict, she doesn't listen but people must listen to her, Her being control freak also what lead her to her decision in Ephemeral and s5 final, it has little to nothing to do with her being thoughtful of Chat Noir/Adrien, it's her with her way of thinking that her way is the only one right without thinking about Adrien's feeling. To put it simply, it's her way to control the information. Upset teamate is uncontrollable teamate after all.

That being said, I'm not saying she won't be able to be a great leader. She could, but only if she grow out those trait I mentioned. Try to communicate better, delegating role instead of controlling everything and mosre importantly, remember that her teamate is a human (or person) instead of just a pion. But as for now, I'd say she's the worst leader in the Mahou Shojo genre I've ever watch.

And also... someone can care and love someone else while also hurt them simultaneously, it's not separated thing. Just because she doesn't do it maliciously doesn't mean her action doesn't hurt the other people involved.

#I'm also blame the writers to refuse to give her a character growth #Instead it's the people around her who need to adjust themselves to her need #That's not empowering at all that's disappointing #I hate nerfing the other character is their way to make her shine #That make her being great leader status questionable #If the only way to make her shine is to nerf other that means it's a bad writing #Like what the heck writers 😂#Ml salt #I mean... I don't mean is as salt but just to be safe #Marinette salt

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living-history-lesson · 24 days

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Rant about content from the class I grade

So I'm a teacher assistant for a class on leadership and the "toxic leadership" unit is bothering me. I really appreciate the importance of knowing how toxic leaders form/get strength, how to identify toxic leaders, and how to combat/prevent toxic leadership. But some of the vocabulary used is just ick. One of the main things the unit repeats is narcissism as common trait of toxic leaders and empathy as a trait of good leaders. And while I'm not cluster B in any way I'm like *blinks*. It wouldn't be that hard to say self-centeredness instead of narcissism. And while empathy can be important to ethical leadership, I feel like someone with low empathy could still use emotional intelligence skills to accomplish the same thing. idk. I get what the sources are trying to say, but I just don't like how alienating it could be. Again though, I don't have low empathy or narcissism so I don't want to linger on that too much. Another thing that was mentioned was leaders who are "paranoid or grandiose." Guess who here has experienced both of those things from their bipolar? This guy. I agree that if you're paranoid or grandiose to the point it's affecting you as a leader, that's going to be harmful to your goals and your followers. But I also know that these are things that (at least as symptoms I experience) can be managed. Yes, I had to go to the hospital during my last manic episode, so I get sometimes you can't manage them well. But I'd like to think that I didn't let it affect my leadership when I was teaching during that episode. I was able to inform the professor when I went to the hospital so it's not like the students were left without a leader, and the students seemed to enjoy the class when i was there. Yes, some people can't separate their work or their leadership from their manic symptoms, and that can create a toxic environment, but like, that's not because they have those symptoms, it's because the symptoms are unmanaged and are affecting work life. In fact I'd even argue that the fact I've had these symptoms and have been in treatment and am learning to manage them makes me a BETTER leader than I was before I had these symptoms, because now I have learned self-awareness and self-control. Idk these are just my thoughts. I guess going into the nuance of mental health conditions which cause narcissism/low empathy/paranoia/grandiosity is beyond the scope of a basic leadership course. But the way these "traits" are treated by not only this class but by society seems disingenuous.

#kennedy rants #if you're like my student or something you don't see this lol #mental health #cluster b #personality disorders #narcissism #paranoia #bipolar #mania #leadership #vent #ramble

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deathlygristly · 9 months

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I'm back on my spiral again, dealing with the same issues but going up a bit each time, and I think I just cleared a curve and am starting on an incline.

Readmore because long, but anyone can read if they want. I guess very brief and un-detailed mention of childhood trauma? Mostly just me going on about things I figure out anew every day.

I was worrying about being a bad person a bit earlier today. Not nearly as intensely as years ago before I healed so much of the trauma, but still enough to be somewhat uncomfortable.

I looked back at the social issue that caused it, and I realized it was caused by a difference in interpretation of a post. And that really according to the OP's replies to other people my interpretation was probably closer to what the OP meant than the interpretation of the people who were mean and mad about it, and it really wasn't personal and it really didn't mean that I was a bad person.

It was about discussions of marriage online, which has obviously been the rock I've been rolling up the spiral for a while now.

I was re-reading my posts here and I saw the one about giftedness and the subconscious equation about human worth that people believe even if they get really mad about it, and then I saw my reblog about the marriage age thing and how I mentioned that people seemed to have a binary view between Tradition and Rebelling Against Tradition.

I also wrote another post years ago about the word empathy and how it's interpreted and defined online, and how just like with marriage and the worth equation the loudest voices online seem to really agree with the viewpoint of the Hated Authority while they're being really loud and mean and judge-y about hating the Hated Authority's viewpoint.

Also was thinking about Cake's song Rock' Roll Lifestyle and how "excess ain't rebellion."

So maybe it doesn't take other people 40 years of being alive to figure this out, but with my particular chain of experiences and environments it took me this long, okay?

I think that maybe sometimes people in high control social groups have really really internalized the messages and mores of the social group but they also really do not like those messages and mores and they want to be free of them, but the messages are deeply, and I mean deeply, embedded in their brain.

So they try to reject what they hate, but what they hate has formed the bedrock of their worldview. They can't see any way to escape from it other than to loudly and violently go the complete opposite way in what they say and how they act, but it's still there under their words and actions. A shadow takes its form from what is in between it and the light source.

So I don't understand it because I grew up in....my own special way, lol. Sounds weird to say my childhood was very low control but to also say that I had complex PTSD from my mother's rages, but well, that's true. My mother's rages were unpredictable and had much more to do with whatever she had going on at the moment than anything I did, and in her non-rage state she was very much a let your kids do what they want type of parent. Part of why I didn't rebel like other teens is that I didn't have anything to rebel against.

So I have no language to understand Hated Authorities or the attempt to escape from them by becoming their shadow, and when I try to contribute to the conversation I guess it's obvious to people who grew up with high control that I have no relevant experiences or knowledge or any way to relate. And on my end I am continually surprised and confused because I never even heard the messages that have been deeply inscribed into other people.

My mother doesn't even recognize the word empathy and when I used it in a text once she asked me what it meant. She never equated the giftedness to my value as a human. She never tried to force marriage or lack of marriage on me. I mean, look at her three kids - one is married with five daughters, one has a daughter and grandsons but never married, and one married but never had kids. And she accepts all those life choices equally. Well, okay, so she was kind of adamant that the younger brother NOT marry his baby momma. But I don't think he ever planned to anyway.

So of course there's alienation and weirdness and misinterpretation on both sides, because me and people who grew up with these high control messages and mores and being "taught" things may as well be from different planets. But it doesn't make any of us bad or better than the other or anything like that. It's just random differences in how our environments and experiences shook out.

I'm not a bad person. Just an unusual one. Despite that also making people online mad. Like decide between "you're not special" and "shut up because your experiences are extremely rare and thus irrelevant" please.

Anyway, wooooo party!

youtube

#dgpersonal

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ecoamerica · 2 months

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trashlie · 1 year

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hey it's the same anon as last time ^^ i'll try to stop by your inbox more often when i have the time and some thoughts to share. discussing these things is fun and you make such great points about the characters and the story. i'll be signing these asks with lil anon (like lil buddy 😼) so you know it's me. and good to hear! i hope you continue to get better 🥰

i get why you're invested in kousuke's story. he is, objectively, a really interesting character. it's unfortunate that people disregard him, bc understanding him is a key part of understanding the story. and understanding him doesn't necessarily mean having sympathy/empathy for him. like on a personal level i can't stand him and want to smack him with a broom lmao but as a reader/observer it's interesting to try and understand his motivations/actions, if that makes sense 🤞

oh yeah you're completely right about kou getting worse as the story progresses. his recent development has felt like watching a car crash in slow motion - tragic, but fascinating and you can't look away. if ily was a less interesting story, a character like kousuke (typical rich asshole with some redeeming qualities) would have had significant growth by now. but that would be such a cliché, right?

and sometimes i do wonder if kousuke is doomed by the narrative, or if he eventually will be able to break free from... himself, essentially. the thing is, kousuke's is trapped. in order to grow and change, he needs to separate himself from the hiraharas/this fake reality that's been constructed from him, and see his situation from a different perspective. but in order to even want to change, he needs to grow as a character first. which he cannot do as long as he's involved with the family. it's like a snake eating its own tail. nothing/no one has been able to get through to him yet, so i guess there needs to be an outside force (maybe a revelation) that breaks him out of this cycle, shatters the very foundation of his fake reality, or maybe removes his safety net. and i really wonder what's that going to be. like... even though christmas is coming up in the ily universe, i doubt he'll be visited by the ghosts of the present, past, and yet to come and then all of a sudden he's a gentler, kinder man the next day lmaooo idk what do you think it'll be that's going to push him towards (positive) change? i think it's undeniable that kousuke needs to crash and burn first, and then maybe he can build himself up from the ground. i really do hope that's what's going to happen eventually! he is (mostly) a victim of his upbringing/environment, so it'd be nice to see him make steps towards growth/healing/being his own person. either way we're still so far from anything like this happening so who knows.

re: nol and fear - wow i didn't make the connection that nol is also driven by his fears, but you're absolutely right. i saw him as someone mostly controlled by self-loathing/self-destructiveness/low self-esteem, but these feelings are ultimately rooted in his fears. thanks for pointing that out. such an interesting parallel between the brothers.

all the ways the brothers are two completely different people with similar issues are endlessly fascinating to me (i just love me a complex siblings dynamic). you mentioned that neither of them have that family relationship with their parents at this point, and i agree. however, i think it's important to keep in mind that a key factor in nol and kousuke being such different people are that their early days were completely different.

nol had a very loving mother who shaped him during his most critical years of development (ages 0 to 5). and i actually believe nol got his best qualities (kind, caring, generous, brave, funny, etc) and morals from nessa, not rand. also, the hiraharas hadn't poisoned him yet. the layers of pain and trauma came later. on the other hand, kousuke received a completely different version of care and was taught a number of really negative traits - that his wealth and name make him better than other people, that his family doesn't function like others do and that that's normal, that he shouldn't feel guilty taking advantage of people and situations, that he deserves to have everything he wants, that his sole purpose is to inherit the company, and - as you said - that love as a reward, rather than something he's inherently deserving of. no wonder nol was/is such a threat to him - he's competition, and there can only be one winner. how can this boy, a 'mistake', have received this "reward" (=rand's love (nol hasn't actually received it but kousuke thinks he did)) so easily, when he didn't do anything to deserve it? that can only mean that nol is better, that kousuke is in his shadow, somehow inferior. and that just contradicts kousuke's entire worldview. idk it's just. much to think about.

oh wow i wrote so much, sorry about that. btw feel free to copypaste this in a separate post under a cut so it doesn't take up too much space if you feel like it, i wouldn't mind! have a good weekend 💗 - lil anon

Lil' Anon, I love it, perfect! Hehe!!!

You are SO right about Kousuke, too, in that you don't have to love a character to enjoy them. In-verse I would not get along with Kousuke or even want anything to do with him lol. He frustrates me a LOT - but right, you can understand WHY a character is frustrating. You can become invested while knowing you would absolutely fight them lol. The thing about compelling characters is that, for the most part, they are the drivers of plot and story and if they aren't a character worth investing in, you run the risk of caricatures of antagonists, villains who fall flat and cartoonish. ILY certainly borrows from the truth that everyone is going through something, no matter who they are. That doesn't always validate what they do, but as far as a story and PLOT goes, it makes everything far more interesting. That's the main thing I want people to come away with, not just as far as ILY goes but media in general. Because it's fiction, there is no harm in enjoying an antagonist. Your plot and story wouldn't be as enjoyable if they WEREN'T compelling or intriguing. When I say Kou has become a character I'm very invested in, it doesn't mean I approve of the things he does. In fact, I root for him BECAUSE I want to see him grow, because I want to see if he ever takes the reigns on his life and comes to much-needed realizations.

Because you are right - there is a big chance that Kousuke IS doomed by the narrative. I've talked about this re: Alyssa before, too, in that just as in real life, there's a chance he may never come to the terms he needs to. He may never find his way out of his safety spots, may never try to leave what is safe and secure. That's what's so important about acknowledging how fear drives him - if he cannot overcome that fear of being uncomfortable, of facing disappointment, of being outside what he finds safe and secure, then he really can't make the changes he needs to. He won't have the opportunity to see himself in a way that might give him the perspective he needs. In general, growth requires courage. If we want to grow, we have to face scenarios that bring us discomfort, that maybe make us fall apart, in order for us to learn just how much we can take, just how much we can overcome. But Kousuke has never really been in that kind of position. He's had everything handed to him, whether or not he wants it to be.

I really like the analogy that it's like a snake eating its own tail; I think that really sums up the vicious cycle and why we've not seen him wake up to reality, why things seem to go in one ear and out the other.

Over on reddit I've been talking to someone a lot about Kousuke, too, and a thought we share is that not only does Kousuke need that crash and burn - I think everyone is in agreement about that! - but maybe something that can be a wake up call for him is his career. They made some really great points, too, I'll link to their response here, but we know that Kousuke isn't truly happy in his life and career. To him, we endure uncomfortable situations, or one's that aren't fun because that's life. We don't live in an ideal world, we have to do whatever we can to get by. But Kousuke literally could have his pick of anything in the world, couldn't he? At some point, when does he realize he's unfulfilled? The whole purpose of his career trajectory was to earn Rand's affection. At what point does he realize it isn't going to happen - if he's not already at that realization? At what point does the empty, hollowness set in? When does he realize he doesn't feel fulfilled because none of this was for HIM, this doesn't mean anything to him without Rand acknowledging him? And suppose he does get that acknowledgement. Then what? The quest is over, there's no higher goals, nothing more to achieve. Oh, sure, he can go on to be the CEO as he was born to. But would it MEAN anything to him?

I'm thinking - or hoping? - that this might be the kind of thing that gives him the wake up call. That there is no point in his life that brings him joy - except maybe eating sweets lol. But that can only be a catalyst. You're right in that a big need is for him to get away from his family, for him to exist outside of their reach, to lose that safety net.

I have a couple thoughts in this regard. Whatever Yujing is working on - likely an expose - syncs up with Shinae's graduation and Nol's release from prison. It clearly has to do with the Hiraharas - and this means Kousuke, as well. When she found out Nol had pleaded guilty, she'd been looking at an old article about Nol attacking Kousuke, which we've seen may not be what we thought it was at all, that perhaps it was Kousuke who attacked and Yui blamed Nol. There's also that incident Kousuke is so DESPERATE to hide, something Yujing knows about. It seems likely that this expose, this piece, is something that could taint the Hirahara name. Even if Kousuke was not involved in other aspects, this would end up affecting him, because a major part of his identity is that he is the Heir, so what happens if his identity is that he's the Heir of a dirty family? If it becomes known that he is not the ideal gentleman bachelor he's been made out to be? Is that enough to make him step back and see his family - especially his safety net Yui - in a new light?

There's also my favorite crack theory, that Kousuke is not Rand's son. Now, again, I don't necessarily think I believe in this as much as I enjoy exploring it, but there's been a number of little moments that feel like they could be foreshadowing - or red herrings lol. Suppose it was true, Rand isn't actually Kousuke's father. Aside from the fact that he's spent his whole life trying to earn love from this man, I think it would also be detrimental in that he'd finally have to face the unsavory parts of Yui that he tries to ignore or deny. The one pillar in his life having lied to him and egged him on to chase after this pipedream, reassured him that if he's good enough, he'd be acknowledged. Wouldn't that shatter him? Again, I'm not so sure if this is likely - it kind of feels overdramatic, but then again, the deeper we delve into the story, the more those kinds of dramatics start to feel normal.

At any rate, yes, I think he needs a wake up call that will make him see his family for what they are, make him see himself in a different light. And that's just the beginning! I really look forward to our big timeskip to see where we find Kousuke, if he's yet in a place where he can start making these changes to himself, if he's got a security network to push him to make those changes (and if he cares enough to do it lol).

Also yes, yes, very good points about Nol! Nol and Kousuke are definitely foils in that Nol had the kind of nurturing, affectionate childhood that Kousuke lacked. We've seen instances of Nol surrounded by peers his own age and we might be able to assume that, aside from being teased for having such a long name, maybe he actually got along with them? But also, because of the teasing incident, Nol had that safe space in his mother - Nessa comforted him and gave him a nickname to make up for the teasing. We've never once see Kousuke receive such affection, and I just always think about that little flashback where he's in the bush watching Nessa dote on Nol and then Yui appears before him without eyes. It's such a cold relationship, it doesn't feel like it was nurturing. She goes through the motions of being a mother, certainly, but that's the thing - the difference between mother and mom. Nol had a mom, Kousuke had a mother. And we can see that even when Nol was driven by fear, even when he was trying to distance himself, he couldn't help but indulge in those traits his mother passed on to him. He started to care about the friendships that weren't supposed to matter because he's such an empathetic person. He understands loneliness so well, how could he help but reach out to people he thought needed help? But Kousuke never developed those kinds of skills or traits. How is he meant to empathize with or understand people he was literally raised to see himself apart from. They're not like him, they are Other. Literally a formative foundation of the way he views the world!

Light and shadow plays such a role in the ILY universe. Nol is literally in the shadows, but Kousuke thinks that its him who is in the shadow cast by Nol, that he cannot let Nol shine, lest it drown out his own light. I think that really sums up the root of their relationship and their issues: Nol didn't so much want to shine as much as just share that spot with Kousuke. I think at some point he gave up trying to earn Rand's favor and instead sought out Kousuke who was in the same boat as him. But Kousuke thinks only one of them can be in the light and if it's not him, that means it's Nol - Nol who is so undeserving who hasn't put in the same effort as him. Isn't that funny? Kousuke literally was born into privilege, knows he is afforded things most others never will be, knows that he has things others could work for their whole lives and never possess. But he thinks it's Nol who has earned something without making any effort. The irony of it, man.

Don't feel bad about how much you wrote hehehe! I.... also cannot hold back when it comes to anything ILY so I'm delighted to receive equally long messages haha! Looking forward to more fun conversation with you, Lil Anon! And thank you for the well wishes! I'm going to try to make myself do more painting today! Fingers crossed (I am not doing the best job at taking care of myself this week lol I'm hoping some painting will help!)

#ILY Brainrot #I Love Yoo #Lil Anon #Kousuke Hirahara #Nol #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #it's funny how like.... Kousuke has been such a focus of all my brainrot posts lately LMAO #i promise that when I jot down my 218 thoughts it will be about OTHER STUFF #.....but also like... still really on a similar tangent so LMAOOOOOO #IT IS WHAT IT IS MAN #THIS IS THE ARC I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR #THIS IS ALL OF THE STUFF I'VE BEEN WANTING TO DIG INTO #Kousuke really IS a slow motion car wreck i can't look away from

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writing-plurals · 2 years

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Hello, I just found this blog through a friend. I've crafted a story and I wanted to know if it was problematic or not, since I'm not plural and all I know is based around research on YouTube channels, plural friends, Google and basic human respect lol

So, essentially, it's sort of a play on DID in horror where, instead of being the monster, the characters are the paranormal investigators instead. I was thinking about making the narration happen through a diary, which would make the story epistolary like Dracula, because I heard that keeping a diary is a common thing amongst plurals and plus, since I planned these characters to live in the 19th century, they don't exactly have the best psychiatry in the world and are doing what they can to keep communication flowing. I don't have much planned about how the plot unravels, but I thought a lot about how and why some alters exist in this system, and as for now there are: 1) an archangel, because of religious trauma and the need to have a guardian, 2) a housewife, because parental issues, 3) a trying-to-be-protector-still-somewhat-persecutor alter who doesn't get along that well with the archangel because of his role in the system in the past, 4) a little that stays around the housewife and mostly stays away from the paranormal activities, 5) a factive of the system's first dog and it usually stays alert and shows up during emergencies. I also intended them to be low empathy, but still help the people around them, which is one of the reasons why they started with the paranormal investigation business.

Plus, I wanted the horror part of the story to be somewhat of a metaphor for trauma and generational trauma, so the plan was to have them slowly letting go of what they can not control (aka ghosts, entities and stuff) and also them getting a family. Don't worry, they're good parents, they're just really confused about this whole parenting world since they never had someone around them so they do have some moments where they don't know how to feel about this newfound responsibility/lets the child do whatever they want.

I guess I wanted to know if this would be problematic or disrespectful, since it all started as a "wouldn't it be funny if plural people were the heroes in horror stories for once" and I don't know how everyone feels about this? I talked to three systems about this and they seem to be fine with this story, and one of them even said that it was alright as it "makes fun" of the trope instead of agreeing with it, but I wanted to ask to more people that live with this just so I know the ratio? I don't know

Hi anon!

Before I inevitably go off on some kind of wicked tangent, I'm just going to say: concept? good stuff. I don't personally see anything wrong with what you've written here, but keep in mind I can't speak for the ENTIRE community here. We are just one DID system, but nothing here is inherently offensive or off-putting, and you can quote me on that.

I am not entirely sure what you meant in the third paragraph, where "they are good parents..." and such, so I will skip over that for now. An example case for this part would shed a lot of light on the subject.

Now, it's a GOOD thing for a pwDID to be the main protagonist of a media like this. It's good representation after all. With that in mind, make sure you do your research, you talk to systems, and all that. Make sure there is separation between the trauma the character has experienced and the trauma the character will inevitably face during the story— it's horror after all— and any other ideas that you might want to introduce. Bonus points if you can manage to describe dissociation in a meaningful and relatable manner.

Sorry for taking so long to write this. I'm actually one of the new mods, and the original admin of this blog had things they were doing, so it took a bit to get to. If you're still around, Anon, feel free to send in more asks to elaborate on how your story concept's going. We'd love to hear about it.

-Mod birdie

#long post #writing plural characters #plural representation #// mod birdie

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classysassy9791 · 3 years

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Fandom: Inuyasha Genre: Romance/Humor/Fluff Pairing: InuKag Rating: T

Originally written for @inukag-week on tumblr circa 2016, now officially being updated. Its been a hot minute, hasn't it?

For InuKag Week - Day 2: Warmth

Part 1 l

Part 2 Word Count: 2,600

Can also be found on FFN and AO3.

Kagome couldn't remember the last time she had laughed so hard.

Sometime between the moment she met the arrogant, rude man known as Inuyasha and the three shots she had consumed, they had fallen into a flirtatious banter that she rather enjoyed. Gone was the pompous jerk who had so rudely called her audacious names, replaced by a man who proved to actually be decent company.

No, she hadn't forgotten about their initial meeting, but as she downed another shot of whiskey, she realized she didn't much care. For the first time in months - maybe longer - Kagome found herself enjoying her evening. With her shackles removed and her inhibitions lowered, she relished in the sweet taste of freedom that had been sorely lacking from her life.

"You did not!" she squealed with absurdity in her tone, clamping a hand over her mouth.

Inuyasha chuckled, tilting his glass and giving a half-shrug. "I did," he confessed sheepishly, but not at all ashamed of his actions. "Miroku ran down the dorm hall, completely naked, screaming after me."

Kagome shook her head. "I can honestly say I have never stolen my roommates clothes while they were in the shower. Or pulled any pranks on them, really."

"To be fair," he continued, signaling the bartender for another round. "He actually met his girlfriend that way."

"By running naked down the hallway?"

He nodded. "Knocked her down and stopped to apologize."

"Still want to leave the tab open?" Kouga interrupted.

"Yeah, that's fine." Inuyasha finished off his beer. "Another round of whiskey shots while you're at it."

Flashing Kagome a smile, Kouga took their empty glasses. "You're going to dry me out."

"It's still early," Kagome barbed playfully. "Your bar will last until midnight at the very least."

He chuckled, filling up their shot glasses and handing them another drink. "Oh, thanks. I was afraid I'd have to close up soon."

Leaving with a, "flag me down if you need me," Kouga wandered to the other end of the bar where a busty blonde waved at him.

Typical, Kagome thought sourly. On the one hand, she didn't like the way her thoughts were turning, considering she didn't really know Kouga, and hated grouping him in with the rest of the spineless male population she had become accustomed to - especially since he was a bartender and it was literally his job to tend to the needs of his customers. But on the other hand, she couldn't help but feel bitter about his attention leaving her. Maybe it was because she had so blatantly been deprived of it for so long, that her longing for companionship had been exacerbated ten-fold.

Taking a sip of beer - which she had switched to once they started doing shots - Kagome heard her phone buzz in her purse again; it had already gone off several times during her conversation with Inuyasha. She finally pulled it out and unlocked it, frowning at the array of messages popping up on her screen.

Inuyasha raised a brow at the irritable look that overcame her expression before Kagome sighed and locked her phone. She quickly downed her shot of whiskey, not even bothering to 'cheers' him.

"Everything okay?" Inuyasha questioned, against his better judgement. There was a reason people showed up by themselves at a bar on Friday nights - either to drown their sorrows in whiskey or to find company for a few fleeting, midnight hours.

Kagome pressed her lips together. She didn't come to the bar to talk about her problems. She wasn't some sad case that needed a therapist to pour her drinks. If anything, she wanted to forget about the emotional damage that had been inflicted earlier that day. Her heart had been broken, her ego bruised, and no matter how many times her friends had told her he wasn't worth it, their sympathies didn't make her feel any better.

But, alcohol had a funny habit of turning into truth serum, and she found herself spilling her guts before she could stop herself. "Just my ex-boyfriend - er, fiance - blowing up my phone."

Inuyasha chuckled. "Can't take a hint, huh?"

Kagome shrugged with a bitter smile. "I mean, he broke off the engagement. Not sure why he can't follow through with his decision."

She had expected sympathy, perhaps even empathy. That's what most people offered in a situation like this, when they didn't know what to say or how to react. But Kagome was caught off-guard by Inuyasha's next question.

"How long were you together?"

Kagome eyed him curiously, his honey gaze hiding a wealth of understanding. "Five years," she answered him, twirling a strand of her dark hair around her finger. "Planned our life together, put a ring on it, and even booked the venue. But… I suppose he got cold feet a long time ago."

"His loss. What kind of bastard would put someone through that?"

She hummed thoughtfully, but didn't answer. It wasn't in her best interest to start talking about the past now, and she would rather take the spotlight off of herself all together. "What about you?" she asked her barstool companion as she took another sip of beer. "Any lucky ladies in your life?"

Inuyasha chuckled mirthlessly. "Nah, not anymore."

Kagome arched a brow. "Dare I ask?"

"Not much to tell. Her career and ambitions drove a wedge between us, and she decided they were more important than me. Simple as that."

"Sounds high maintenance."

He grinned. "Something like that. I mean, she knew what she wanted and didn't care what stood in her way. Even me."

Kagome felt an ache beneath her breast for the man beside her. She knew the pain of rejection very well. "Put out in the rain just like a dog. Doesn't that bother you?" she asked, tilting her head.

He frowned at her choice of words, and Kagome knew she may have touched a nerve then, but the alcohol had stripped her of her filter apparently.

"Well, I guess we're all damaged somehow," he replied with a shrug.

She scrunched her nose. "That's a bit thoughtless."

"What can I say? Shit happens. Get over it."

And then Kagome suddenly remembered the arrogant, rude, condescending jerk she had met when she had sat down at the bar earlier in the night. She narrowed her eyes. "Why are you such an ass?"

Inuyasha smirked while bringing his beer to his lips. "You are what you eat?"

Kagome let loose a growl of frustration. She had only known him for a short time, but she had quickly learned that Inuyasha was the most infuriating human being on the planet! "Your immaturity is revolting," she stated matter-of-factly, waving down Kouga for another shot of whiskey. She was definitely not drunk enough to deal with the way the conversation had turned.

"I'm not known for my friendly disposition."

Kagome glared at the man sitting next to her. "Is it fun being a jerk to me? Does it satisfy you?"

Inuyasha chuckled. "Actually, it is pretty entertaining."

She rolled her eyes. "You know, Inuyasha. You can hide behind that fake bravado all you want, but I know you're just a big softie underneath."

"Keh," he grumbled, finishing off his beer.

Kagome threw him a glare. "What? No witty repartee?"

He set down his empty glass with a little more force than usual, grabbing Kagome's attention. "I know your type, wench," he snapped, his amber eyes boring into hers. "I know exactly the kind of person you are; all high and mighty, acting as if you're better than everyone else. You think you can show someone how great life can be and how fantastic it is if I would just try. Well, sorry to break it to you, sweetheart, but not everyone is worth saving, all right?"

His words left Kagome stunned into silence for a brief moment. How did their witty banter only a few minutes ago turn into this? This… This denied anger and unadulterated cynicism had Kagome reeling, her thoughts turning to what exactly had penetrated Inuyasha's life so completely that he had such a negative outlook on such.

She pursed her lips. "How much do you think you're worth?"

Inuyasha shrugged. "Like twenty bucks. Or two twinkies." He grinned at his own comment, but Kagome didn't find it very funny.

If anything, Kagome felt pity for him. No matter how bleak her life became, she always managed to find the good in it. If a person couldn't do that… Well, that was a pretty sad way to live. "As much as I would love to hear you divulge all of your secrets, this is a great song and I feel like dancing."

"Look, wench," Inuyasha barked out, his anger palpable. "I'm not looking for your validation. I'm pretty fucking happy with my life of dirty pennies and whiskey bottles. We don't all need to be Barbie."

She looked over at him, the low dim of the bar lights shining off his silver hair, and found she could only nurse one wounded heart at a time. "I just wanted you to leave tonight and think the world is a little less horrible than you thought."

"Hey, pretty lady," Kouga greeted as he appeared at the perfect time with another shot of whiskey for her and a full beer, stealing her full attention away from Inuyasha.

Kagome immediately downed the shot and chased it with her beer, ready to forget half of the night and lose herself in the music pounding through the speakers. As the evening wore on, the bar became busier, and the DJ had started up a round of tunes that had half the customers on the dance floor.

Kouga watched her curiously, arching a brow. "You alright there?"

"Dance with me?" she called over the bass pounding through the speakers. Oh yes, it was now the time of the night in which she had no qualms for asking for what she wanted.

He chuckled and glanced over at the other bartenders who appeared to have things under control. "You can steal me for a few minutes."

Kagome grinned and giggled like a school girl, leaving Inuyasha behind without delay. Kouga met her at the end of the bar and took her hand in his as she pulled him out onto the dance floor.

Some upbeat dance music blasted through the speakers. Kagome moved and swayed through the bodies crowding near the DJ, the vibrations of the music becoming part of her energy, raising her up several levels at once. Gone were her heartbroken wallows and the biting arrogance of her barstool companion. Her mind buzzed with pure joy. She moved in her dress like her hips were made to sway, the black sequins catching the disco ball that twirled above, causing her to glitter on the dance floor.

Kouga pulled her close, his strong hand pressed against the small of her back, his chiseled chest pressed against hers. She ran her fingers through her messy hair and pulled it to the side, feeling the beat of the music pound with each beat of her heart. Bodies pressed in tighter all around them. Kagome felt the part of her that was really her come out to play, to feel the vibe of the music and let her body go free.

"You're beautiful," Kouga's voice whispered in her ear, sending shivers down her spine.

His lips looked soft and very kissable, and Kagome knew her decision-making skills were indeed hindered by the alcohol that buzzed through her veins. And then his attention was caught by something else, his royal blue eyes pulling from hers to the outskirts of the dance floor. He said something to her, attempting to shout above the music, but his words were swallowed up by the electric beat that kept her entranced.

Kagome felt his hands slip from around her waist and he disappeared into the crowd. She didn't bother to follow, her hands playing with her hair, her hips moving to the music as she lost herself within it. This was what her heartbroken soul had fiercely needed; a night to forget all the troubles of the day.

Large, meaty hands found her waist, but they were unfamiliar and too warm to the touch. Kagome felt a warm flush find her cheeks as she gazed up to meet a stranger's hazy stare. He pulled her in close - too close - and even in her alcohol-ridden mind, she felt mild panic begin like sparks in her abdomen.

She tried to push him away, first gently and then forcefully, pretending to laugh at his behavior. "Thanks for the dance, but I need some fresh air."

"C'me on, baby," he slurred, pulling her tighter to his sweaty frame, his hot breath rolling over her skin. "We just met. Let's dance s'me more."

Kagome frowned. "I said no." Before she could stomp on his foot and fight her way out of the throng of dancers, the man was forcefully pulled away from her. They became separated by another man, one with very familiar silver hair who had his back to her. She didn't hear the words exchanged, but whatever was said was enough to send the man scampering off to the other side of the bar.

Inuyasha turned around, his piercing honey eyes studying her expression, before his hand gently wrapped around her waist. His grip on her wasn't strong like Kouga's, or possessive like the stranger. Inuyasha's hand was warm against the small of her back, and the anxiety she felt moments ago melted away.

"You okay?" he asked, swaying his hips in tune with hers as they continued to dance to the beat of the music.

She grinned up at him. "Were you worried about me, jerk?"

"Keh," he grumbled, his lips pulling into a smirk. "I despise you more than any other human I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. You're loud and wild and apparently have no sense of self-preservation. You also act like you have the mental capacity of a five year old."

"Are you flirting with me?" she barbed in return.

"Maybe."

His hand found the back of her neck, his fingers finding purchase in her hair, his hips grinding against hers. Warmth pooled into the pit of her stomach, his breath caressing her skin, and she moved her lips to find his.

Kagome barely had a moment to react before he pressed his tongue to the seam of her lips and delved inside her mouth. It was a very sloppy kiss with the strong scent of beer being exchanged between their billowing breaths. Her arm reached up and tangled around his strong neck. She pulled away and arched up into his broad chest, letting a moan escape in the contact of body heat against her own, before she drew back into his lips.

She could nearly taste the slight bitterness of the beer as it rolled off her tongue and seeped down her throat with every push of his tongue against hers. The kiss coupled with the beer and whiskey humming through her system obliterated every thought. For the first time that day, her mind was locked into the present. Her usual concerns for her life were suspended, and she had no wish for the kiss to end.

But as the music changed, they pulled apart. Inuyasha's skin shimmered with sweat and his amber eyes flecked with gold held her gaze. The beat of the music consumed them under the crazy neon lights, and Kagome felt alive during a night that was still so young.

#inuyasha #kagome #inukag #fanfiction #inuyasha fanfiction #inukag-week #sassy stays classy #my fanfiction #double shot of heaven

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seriouslyblacklikemysoul · 5 years

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Her eyes, the stars - Bucky Barnes x Reader (Steve Rogers x Reader)

[I know, I am a ghost. Sorry guys. Enjoy.]

The reminiscence of a rose - the single flower that’s so impossible to hate, delicate and pretty, even when it stops blooming. Her voice could calm even the most chaotic oceans, always soothing with soft notes of comfort. Even her eyes could mesmerize the most soulless creature; her sweet face left him dreaming in heartache. On the nights his loneliness stung him harder than cheap liquor; he was always thinking of her. For he reveled in the memory of her heart placed on his hands. As he tried to get drunk on other people’s skin. Yet all that regret still burned his chest. And he realized that he once had the best. Since she loved his highs and lows. He thought about what he once held. He regretted leaving her. But she deserved more than his pettiness and demeanor.

She begged herself to stop loving him.She hated herself for all the mistakes she had made, all those wrong decisions - she blamed him for he made her vulnerable. He was the sun, never really committed to one planet, always dancing around the universe, with bright colors revealing themselves, leaving her in awe. Her heavy blues of night opened to reveal the chariot of the sun lighting up the sky with various shades of yellow and gold. The feeling was almost theatrical and the dramatic intensity was palpable. How could they end up in the same sky, when he was the sun and she was always so fond of the night? They were just celestial objects, trying to find the one perfectly still moment, so they could co-exist in harmony without worrying about nature's balance. That moment had passed them by, ignoring their desperate attempts to escape the chaotic force.She was a whole universe in motion - he had guessed that was why she seemed so tired lately...It must be an exhausting, yet beautiful thing to brush the orbits of all the universes she walked by. He had tried to stop thinking that he made her so unhappy. He couldn't. Instead, he tried to understand her a bit better than before, to get close to her, without hurting her. Again. She was no pawn in his game, she was clever and cunning - but just to hide her true self.

"You think you can define me, that I am a tick in just one box. Like my being is a door that a single key unlocks. But let me tell you something - something I figured out after you broke me. I have the universe inside, I hold an untamed ocean with a constantly changing tide. I'm home to endless mountains with tips that touch the sky, flocks of grand migrating birds and deserts harsh and dry. Please, don't tell me that you know me. That "this right here is what you are", trying to get an old and very dead version of me back. I am the universe in motion, for I was born from the stars" she was talking to him, trying to make a point, to seem sure about what she had become - but she was scared of her heart. Oh, the things it made her do. He wasn't taken aback, which surprised her. He was looking into her eyes, watching the soft colors of the sky fooling around with the dark strokes of her irises. It was true, her eyes held the stars. She closed her eyes, overwhelmed by the swirling feelings inside her. She felt every single cell of her body begging for her to forgive him - there was nothing to forgive, really, for he had done nothing wrong. It was her that could not - would not - handle things. She never saw herself in a relationship - so many obligations. She was not made for ballgowns and parties but for battlefields and saddles.

"I am yours, forever yours… and when the last star of the universe blinks silent, I will still be yours", his answer came naturally to him. It was the most sincere thing he had ever said. He knew her as a sea breeze, but now she met her as a hurricane. So he knew, she needed to be alone. She had been craving freedom so long and he had been blind. He was a liar- he lied to her, to the entire world, to his own self. He wasn't the Golden Boy, people made him to be. He had hurt her in ways he couldn't have imagined before. She softly smiled to his words, because she knew he was being honest. Once upon a time, everything was magical and they were found themselves walking through a chaotic paradise. The entire multi-universe had changed.

"I might have been too harsh, Stevie. Truth is that this, us, has turned to dust right after we were defeated. Five years now, we have been foolish enough to try and make things work. We have been lying to everyone, we want them to move on and be alright when I know that all those sleepless nights we have been thinking of a way to make everything as it was. I also know, and please do not try to deny it, that you are not mine. Not really, not entirely, not ever. For you, it's always gonna be Peggy. Accepting that, was the hardest thing I have ever done". His face twisted in a guilty way. Everything she had experienced for the first time, had been with him. It hurt her but she would move on, find someone else to make her feel alive again.

"I... I am sorry. I love you, you should know that. It's just. I can't shake the feeling… I am so sorry" he calmly apologized to her. He couldn't control his heart.

" And I love you. You can't unlove someone. You can, however, become just friends with them. I wouldn't want to lose you from my life. So... Hey dude" she tried to change the dark and painful situation into something less...

It all happened so quickly and slow at the same time. It was a disaster and a triumph. Everyone came back - well, not everyone. Once she laid eyes on Bucky, she ran like hell and almost knocked him down as she enveloped him in a bone-crushing hug. How she had missed him - her best friend, companion and well...it would take her a while to admit it but there were butterflies, even though she did push them away every time, convincing herself that it was nothing more.

"I missed you Jay, so damn much" was all that she managed to say before Steve called them to assemble.

They won. And they lost. All thanks to the amazing Tony Stark. After a horrific scene of Thanos wearing the gauntlet and snapping his fingers - only to realize that Tony had stolen them right on time - everyone's heart fell and crushed and burnt. Yes, Tony defeated Thanos but at what cost?

He had always been the only father figure she knew- if she thought that standing against him with the Sokovian Accords was devastating, this was torture.

When things slowed down, Steve looked at her for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime. Her porcelain-like skin was bruised, stained and twisted forming a pained mask, her hands were trembling and she was leaning against his best friend- why was this the first time he was noticing the look on Bucky's face? Why was this the first time he felt that his friend craved to be more than a friend to her?

Life has a strange way of revealing her secrets, a dark sense of humor. It goes on, like a circular river, never-ending, never resting. After the simple ceremony to honor Tony's memory, she took a step back, asking for a few weeks off of the team to help Pepper and Morgan. All she wanted was to feel normal again. One more task before that though.

Seconds before Steve stepped into that platform to be teleported back in time, she called for him. He knew it and so did she. She had seen it in his eyes after they had mourn Natasha. In all honesty, she understood why - he deserved the life that was taken away from him, without asking him if he liked the alternative options. Bucky knew it. He knew it when he saw him on the blood-stained battlefield. He felt it in their hug. He also knew that she knew- he was the one both her and Steve had asked for help before Thanos. He was the one who swallowed his feelings for her and gave her a friendly shoulder to rest her head. "Thank you" Steve mouthed to her. She smiled, eyes covered in tears threatening to spill. "Go".And he was gone. Bucky gave her hand a gentle squeeze and she turned to face him. Unknown him, she had become aware of his feelings. And her own, slowly but steadily. "A soul that carries empathy is a soul which has survived enormous pain" she softly whispered as if she didn't want to be heard. He felt that she could read his mind. All those years ago, another Bucky had existed- one who flirted shamelessly with everyone. He had to get in touch with him if he wanted a chance with her, he thought, only to be proven wrong after a while. He just had to be himself.

She had finally realized that Steve and her were exactly like the moon and the sun- and their time together was an eclipse, a breathtaking phenomenon, a glimpse of what it could have been. A moment. And that was okay. She regretted nothing. It was perfect in its imperfection.

She found herself knocking Bucky's door, not knowing why. All she wanted was to see the stars but somehow when she was greeted by sliver blue eyes, the stars seemed inefficient. He was the night, she thought.

"Can I stay here for a while?"... because I am scared when I am alone? He opened up his door to let her get inside because he knew the part of the sentence that left unsaid. His room was warm with a serene view of the night sky. He knew that she loved to gaze the stars, how she would always complain that the moon was a hypocrite. But not tonight. She felt gravitated towards him which made him blush, thankful for the darkness. To say that he hadn't wished for a moment with her, it would be a lie. He was pulled towards her like a magnet and in all honesty, he didn't want to leave far away and get over her.

"Can't sleep?" he asked her in a hushed tone as he laid to his bed, eyes watching her every move. She let a tired chuckle and sat down next to him. He pierced her eyes and she felt naked - and she didn't mind. It was okay for him to see her in all her doomed glory.

"Jay, its past midnight and I’ve pretty much thought of all the words hoping to find something that can remedy this... I can try but my vocabulary falls short when it comes to describing the matters of my heart. My heart. Not yours - mine. I could fill pages about the likes and dislikes of your heart. What makes you tremble what softens you up. I know you like the back of my hand. I know your anger and I know your vulnerability. Vulnerability…. what does that even mean? I guess it happens when you finally take the leap to open up to one who might not ever see you the same again. I guess that your weakness is not supposed to be a different form of feeling when it comes to me. And it isn't. I guess that attachments don’t exist between the two of us. But it does. And I guess, well I guess, that I love you a bit more each day and bit less on the days you choose to ignore me. No, wait, that's a lie. And I know that this is way too forward and yes, he was, is, your best friend, and my ex, which can be a bit awkward - but you know what? He made a choice, but not before I do. I had already fallen for you and if it's weird -" he did not let her finish. The words coming from hee mouth were burning fires inside his head, for years now. His lips were ever so gently upon hers. It almost didn't feel like a kiss.

In the end, everyone wanted to be like Icarus, hoping to fly high and soar far. Nobody was satisfied with their standing and kept pushing their limits. And that was human... full of life, blinded, arrogant, wonderful... always falling in the end. But not every fall hurts. She landed softly on his lips, her hands caressing his face and his were holding her tight as if she was a dream and he would soon wake up.

He was the stars and she was the moon. Finally, it worked.

'From stars we came, to stars we'll return and in the middle is all we are'

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thispabulum-blog · 2 years

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Women Who Like Dudes Who Like Dudes Who Like Women

Thoughtful Thursday

I don't have stats on this (shocking, I know), but I would venture that at least half of the guys I talk to or am involved with are bi or pan. It's not something I actively seek out, so I suspect it's more a symptom than a cause. Why, though?

Cuddlebug: "But uhhhh, if I were to guess, empathy is very hard for a majority of people, so having firsthand experience with pushy guys would lead to higher likelihood of being empathetic toward females"

I also suggested that I just like people who are really sexually open-minded, so there's naturally a lot of overlap.

Today I want to poke at that.

I’ve talked a bit about how I like to think I don’t have a type, and how I absolutely have a type which is bearded, Hispanic, long-haired nerdy gamer musician potheads.

But there’s something else, as well. I'm sure there's a term for a kind of guy I'm noticing myself drawn toward, but for the life of me I can't figure it out. The closest thing I can think of is what would have been called "metrosexual" in the early 2000s.

Not quite "softboi" because there's not that hipster-like sense of like

"ooh I'm so deep and tortured, look at me in my Doc Martens smoking my cigarette and reading Bukowski"

but a guy who doesn't mind being emotionally vulnerable, uses nice bath products, wears pink and maybe floral patterns and color coordinates, likes twinkle lights, wants to be the little spoon sometimes, gets visibly/audibly excited about things, doesn’t wear a lot of blue jeans or cargo shorts, has a good group of friends, is more than likely attracted to men. Baymax had many of these qualities. Meximelt, too. Cuddlebug, to an extent. And I can't say that it's a reflexive reaction of wanting to be with guys who are the opposite of Dr. Strangelove, because it’s definitely not a new phenomenon.

So what is this, and why?

I imagine some of it is just wanting to be around men who are laid-back, low-pressure, and not necessarily physically intimidating, for trauma-related reasons.

Though, that being said. Space Kitten is an imposing figure, (relevant Space Kitten quote: "I am secretly a physically potent individual.") but they are also soft as marshmallow fluff in a spiritual sense. I explained this to them at some point a while back

Me: But yes the low pressure thing. Because I feel like that’s always been established with us, but particularly with where I am rn mentally and emotionally it’s unbelievably comforting to know that there’s no pressure or obligation or frustration, and also just…really refreshing to be around someone to whom that kind of thing is important.

SK: Yessss.

Me: And especially with regards to how…you are a physically large person and trauma brain can say ‘whoa that’s scary’ but everything about your actions and personality is completely Not That, and it’s like ‘Hands so big!! But touch nice and sweet’. And it’s really the most disarming thing and so precisely what I needed to be reminded of.

There's just something about a man who is capable of being strong, but knows when to apply that and when not to. Self-control, self-awareness, discipline, empathy. Very sexy qualities.

They say women are always looking to date men who remind them of their fathers, but I think that depends on how terrible your father is and your level of self-awareness. I tend to go in the opposite direction - my father would hate the men I date, which is fine by me because he doesn’t have to meet them.

Sidebar: Maybe that’s why I’m attracted to Jewish guys? My father once told me that “the only Jews (he) likes are dead ones”, which was a horrifying statement.

I think the biggest thing is that I have this need to be involved with people who are more…outgoing? Not necessarily extroverted, but social for sure, willing to do things, not isolated. We can talk more about how that relates to Dr. Strangelove on Monday. I like people who bring out the qualities in myself that I want to work on developing.

And while I was looking for that Space Kitten conversation, I found another from 2013 which is semi-relevant, so I'll include it so you can judge how pretentious and EXACTLY THE SAME I am.

Me: [Prairie Chicken] made a comment that I want your opinion on.

SK: Hmm?

Me: I was talking about, like I explained to you earlier, how he's very much the "type" that I like, but rarely actually get with (short, stocky, Hispanic, into science and video games). And how most of the guys I see are none of those things.

SK: Right.

Me: "And he said that he finds that hard to believe, because (and he put it nicer than this, I promise) he doesn't really see why non-nerdy guys would be interested in me.

SK: Ha.

Okay.

What are you wondering?

Me: I think the way he put it, when pressed, was that for a nerdy guy, I'm kind of perfect, but with other guys he doesn't see what we would really have in common. And I was wondering whether you agree with that. As a nerdy guy, as someone who knows me, and as an objective observer of human nature and social interaction.

SK: I'm inclined to disagree. But I mean, I think that's because you don't have to interact with someone on nerdy levels to be appealing.

Me: Me personally, or people in general? Define your "you".

SK: Both.

Me: Okay.

SK: I intended you personally.

But both makes sense.

I think it's because sometimes people just wanna interact with a warm-body. I dunno. I don't really picture you with extremely "average" people for the most part, but that's because I figure in a lot of cases you'd just be disinterested.

Me: I mean, for me...I am usually attracted to nerdier guys, but I can have relationships with "non-nerdy" people, because the way I see it, nerdery is all about being passionate about something. Like we've discussed at length, what I (and you) like to see most in people is a passion for something, whether that be music or Star Trek or D&D, or something less "nerdy" like fishtanks or motorcycles.

It just tends to be that most "average" people are made "average" by their distinct lack of passion for anything which might mark them as extraordinary or individuals.

SK: Yes.

But also like.

You're like "I like movies." That gives you a lot of common ground with most people.

You're also relaxed and easy to talk to, and you have some sexual vibes goin' on.

So that's why I'm like... I don't think it'd be an issue for other people to be attracted to you that aren't nerdy.

Me: But when I say "I like movies" I don't mean "I like rom-coms and bullshit comedies and lots of explosions". I mean "I like disturbing foreign films with Nazi pedophiles and graphic rape scenes". And that's where me and a lot of people tend to part ways.

[Tarantino] and I had a similar problem. We were going to go out to eat, and I was thinking great, there are a ton of options. I know of this great Mediterranean place off University, or maybe that tiny Mexican place where I had that lengua torta. And he says "Is there like a burger place or maybe somewhere for pizza?"

I think non-nerdy people have an easy time being attracted to me on a superficial level. It's a lot harder for me to have a deep, special connection with someone else.

I have changed so little in 8 years; I just went on a weird detour away from living my best life.

That's enough brain dumping for today.

Tomorrow we'll check in on the responses I got to the Icebreaker questions!

#okcupid #dating #poly #online dating #dating app #tinder #Spotify #dating apps suck #thoughts

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