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#But he still thinks I am gay- we joke about it a lot- so how would I even start?

billygoat26 · 16 days

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Guys- moots who know me well enough kind of-

I'm not simping solely for fictional characters anymore-

...

I hate this, it's weird, I wanna say something to them or at least one of my other irl friends but I'm too scared that 1: they'll judge me and 2: they'll TELL HIM. Dear god I do not need that-

BUT IT WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE (aka it's been on my mind for a few hours too long)

Yesterday, pool party with friends, right?

I knew that he did some workout stuff but I still was NOT prepared- (me, who was fully expecting him to wear some form of his normal outfit but for the pool- noooooope! Shirtless- very unprepared)

And listen, I knew I at least sort of like-liked him before cuz you know, personality and all that stuff, but come onnnn- like- what do I do now??

And then they were playing chicken fights in the pool or whatever the game is called, and after that they were standing on each other's shoulders and pretending to walk on water (We all had just endured a bible unit in our English classes)

He had offered for ME to stand on HIS shoulders- and for that to happen, you know, they gotta swim under, right? Well, we both have the dirtiest of minds (I also just have shitty balance so I was not about to try that anyways. That was the main reason on my mind but I thought of the other stuff after).

I don't even know if I have blushed since elementary school, but if I did then, then thank god for the sun because sunburnsssss

And then he couldn't find his shirt after we had all gotten out, and one of my other friends said that he didn't need the shirt (jokingly) and dear god I wanted to agree (verbally) but I'm too worried about my whole bullshit being too obvious if I did, so I just had to stay quiet. (He ended up not finding it and just having to leave cuz his parents were there)

But that- that day- just... that. It's not. Leaving. My. Mind. Alone.

#billygoat talks #Look ma- I'm not simping for only fictional characters!#I'm not adding him to the simp list tho- 1: not putting his name anyways and 2: that list is for fictional characters only #Wait- what day is it now?#Fuck- it's only Sunday...#Should I say something? Cuz I only know him because of the IB program but I'm not gonna be in it next school year #And I think the only time we would see each other is either during lunch and after school going to the buses or just buses #But I'm worried that- if I do say something and he doesn't feel the same- our friendship will be fucked up and awkward- I don't want that..#Besides- I've never had good luck with these things #And at the start of the year I had come out to my friends as gay- mid-school-year one of my friends and I agreed I was pan #<- that was only one friend... and the one who made the joke I told y'all about #But he still thinks I am gay- we joke about it a lot- so how would I even start?#I've never been in a relationship- can't say I've never been kissed before only cuz of a weird thing in elementary school-#Believe it or not- even if I can give others advice- I don't know what to do for myself...#I guess I'm scared of rejection but I should be used to it by now-#Oh yeah! The other thing- we've only known each other for a whole one school year- his friends have known him for much longer-#I feel like it's wrong to even think like that after only one school year and say something about it- like it's too soon #Believe me- I do wanna say something but I'm just scared that our friendship will be ruined or he'll ask questions I don't have have answer #to- more than likely one of those would be about my sexuality #I feel like I have to stick to that- like a limitation- but I don't want to-#I have so many wants but I feel like I'm not exactly good enough for anybody and those wants will just be wishful thinking forever #Fuck- just bombarded y'all with my shower thoughts... sorry-#Ummmmmm-#Yeah-

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justxtalking · 6 months

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my thoughts on this hxh ABCD mess

Being a Togashi fan is such a roller-coaster of emotions. I think I went through all the stages of grief in only one day.

Half of me believes he's trolling.

To be honest, it's better to just take it with a light heart. Togashi is known for joking around about himself, his health and his own story. (I wasn't in the fandom at that moment, but I wonder how everyone reacted when he said everyone was going to die). I consider ending D to be so uncharacteristically him for so many reasons I could talk for hours about it. I find it ironic how he gave a stereotypical-shonen-like ending when he talked several times (even in this interview) about how he likes to surprise himself (and his readers) when he writes. Some other times he explained he likes to play with these shonen stereotypes and just do something different. I mean, he's been doing it since the beginning of his career.

And I'll be honest, ending D sounds like a mockery of shounen.

(And I feel a bit dumb taking this so seriously if he's joking.)

(Though, this also may be the case of "the boy who cried wolf" and he's actually saying the truth this time.)

The other half of me thinks he's being honest.

If he is actually giving us a back-up ending, I find it incredibly sad. Not only because of his health, but also because he felt pressured enough to give us an ending, no matter its form and no matter if it's an ending he doesn't even consider anymore. He shouldn't have been on that position.

It is important to take into account that this is not an ending he wants or even considers anymore, it is an ending we can take if he's not able to finish HunterXHunter. We need to realize there's a lot of circumstances we don't know about or may not be considering for him to give us this ending as an option at that moment. And what type of ending too.

I seriously want for him to be able to finish Hunter X Hunter the way he truly wants, not worrying about anything else. He's thinking about three plausible scenarios that may see the light of day or not. And no matter what he ends up choosing, he should choose whatever he wants. It's his story, no ours. And it may even be his last story (I know it's sad, I want him to keep on writing forever, but it's true). Honestly, a part of me wants him to choose the A scenario because that's where seems to be less drama, but actually I want him to choose the C scenario. Even if that ending is Gon married to a lizard with beautiful lizard-babies in the Dark Continent. And that's because that ending is what he would actually want to do with the story.

(I really am curious about it, though. I know I wouldn't be able to guess even in a million years, but I'm still curious. And I so want to read the whole interview and see the whole episode, since there were more questions about other things.)

For the shippers

I know this feels like a punch in the gut or something even worst. I felt it too. And it's totally valid to feel like we do and not agreeing with ending D. Even as a non-shipper because what do you mean, Gon did what?

Everyone who follows me knows I'm a proud Killugon and Leopika shipper. And I will keep on being one even if Hunter X Hunter transforms into Boruto and I have to see Grandpa Gon (the more I say it, the more it sounds like a joke).

Honestly, I always considered the gay ships were never going to be explicitly canon.(Kishimoto traumatized me). Not because of lack of material, but because there's a whole context and a lot of external circumstances we sometimes forget about (and Kishimoto traumatized me). There was a reason why Togashi couldn't make his queer manga in the 90s, which, I'm sorry, I don't consider it to be that long ago. And there is a reason why he can't explicitly say that characters like Pouf or Hisoka are gay (despite being totally obvious and them being villains).

I still find it admirable how Togashi included so many queer elements in his stories and got away with it. And he's a mangaka that does shonen. And not just any shonen, a battle manga in Shonen Jump. (He included a trans man in Level E and made him transition. The way Togashi explains some things about this character may be a bit problematic, but Togashi still did this). And those queer elements are still there and are still as canon as when he wrote it the first time. Pouf is as gay as he is dramatic. And Ging and Pariston still have that sexual tension (and I'm 100% sure they fucked or they are going to fuck in the near future or both). And Killua is still the queerest boy I've seen in the longest time.

Sometimes, I think there's a possibility of Killugon being canon. But only because of Togashi's history and tastes. He may feel a bit rebellious and just go with it, he's so unpredictable that I'm always expecting anything and everything from him (I mean, he did what he did with Hisoka and Illumi and so many other things). However, he's an introvert, I'm not sure if he actually wants the attention he would get if he actually goes with it. And that is something we should also respect. (I do think the most plausible option is Killugon to be as ambiguous as they are now.)

In relation to ending D, I don't think we should worry that much. At the end of the day, it is an ending he doesn't consider anymore. (At least we can sleep well knowing that the ending he wants to do doesn't have to do with Grandpa Gon). What's important is what he writes and does in the manga. That is what speaks louder than anything.

Though, I do think it's going to be a pain in the ass interacting with other fans. I'm not looking forward to it. (At least they are going to stop saying that Kurapika will die, I hope!). What I'm looking forward to is the new Killugon content in the fandom.

My personal take

Gon =/= Ging. I could say a lot about this, since one of the things I love the most about Hunter X Hunter is what he did with these two and Gon's arc, but I think this is clear enough.

So!

After saying all of this, I think the only thing we should consider as canon is the manga. If he doesn't write it, it didn't happen.

If he's saying the truth, he may be thinking about how to finish Hunter X Hunter sooner or later. Even though so many fans say that they want an ending, I feel like we are not ready. Not even for Gon marrying a lizard and having beautiful lizard-babies in the Dark Continent.

I hope I was coherent enough. I have no answers, only thoughts and thoughts! I feel like we can only speculate and ending D is so confusing because how did we even get there?

I may be going through all the stages of grief again tomorrow, but I wanted to share my thoughts (at least partially). I may erase it if I feel too uncomfortable, but yeah!

Conclusion: Let's just take it with a light heart and wait to see what happens! (I know it's hard).

#i hope this post doesnt grow old badly lmao #togashi is the only one who actually knows what he wants to do by the end of the day #everything can happen #i find it sadly hilarious how i was traumatized by kishimoto found peace with togashi's work and then savage option D appears lmao #hxh #togashi #hunter x hunter #hunterxhunter #hxh manga #yoshihiro togashi #killugon #justxtalking #btw my mom read ending D and didnt like it either lmao #the dudebros can take ending d if they want it I'll just have my leopika wedding with killugon enganged ending

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silverjirachi · 1 year

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i said it in the tags but i really need to say it out here. cecil palmer was so important to me. there are people on this website now young enough who don’t know who he is, who don’t know how important WTNV was to anyone gay and on this website in 2012, and that’s okay, but i want to put this in circulation because those of you who don’t know genuinely deserve to know.

the world we live in now is very, very different than the world we lived in even just ten years ago. It was not that long ago, I cannot emphasize this enough. Cecil Palmer was canonically gay in a well-known podcast in 2012. He openly and lovingly talked about his crush and eventual partner and it was never once treated as a joke. That was unheard of in 2012. Gay marriage was not even legalized in the United States until 2015 and it felt like we were on thin ice the entire time. We still are. But there just straight up werent any visibly gay characters in popular media who weren’t either side characters, died, or were treated as jokes. Cecil Palmer was voiced by a gay and HIV-positive man who also had a lot of say in the way he was portrayed. That is why he was so real, that is why he was so genuine.

And that meant. So much.

We still struggle to have that kind of representation today, and we saw it in 2012.

For those of you who don’t know who Cecil Palmer is, I’m not asking you to vote for him. But I am trying to tell you what he means to the people who were your age on this website in 2012, and why so many people are voting for him now. We were scared, and starved for that representation, and felt alone. To me, at least, and to many others, Cecil was hope.

In fact, Cecil was such a lovingly-made and genuine representation of gay love, specifically, that my mother, who to this day is still pretty homophobic and is deeply religious, would text me updates about cecil and carlos’ relationship. She was happy for them. My “keep it out of my face” mother was happy for cecil and carlos and was excited to hear their updates. THAT is what WTNV meant, and I still think of that moment sometimes when I need love, when I need hope, and when I am feeling alone.

And if you do want to see that kind of representation (that ran its full course!! and wasn’t cancelled or rushed prematurely!!!) then I highly recommend you do check out Welcome to Night Vale eventually. It was one of the first podcasts to ever get big, in fact arguably podcasts wouldn’t be what they are today without it, and it is such a funny and beautiful and unique little thing about daily life in the weirdest eldtrich horror town in the middle of fucking nowhere.

#tumblr sexymen poll #cecilsweep #tumblr sexyman rematch #sans #cecil palmer #wtnv

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robby-bobby-tommy · 6 months

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I was too tired to stay on Philza's stream... But I am winning, ok?

Fitza staying as strong as ever.

I'll talk a bit about purgatory, since I didn't have time while it was happening.

During the purgatory, we all were thinking that Wallflower duo was dying, cuz they both hunt each other down, but in reality they only got stronger! They are one of the few duos who could kill each other and still stay besties for life. Closer to the end of the Purgatory, they met up and threw a dice together, laughing and joking. Even hugging!! They were in different teams, yet they still hugged and respected each other so much. The Eye B_tch tried to break Fitza up, but their not so platonic duo was stronger than that.

I think it's a stretch, but I felt very warm, when Phil woke up and called for Fit first. I dunno why, but they are very dear to me. Fit is Phil's closest friend and vice versa. So Phil waking up and seeking Fit is so sweet.

And now to yesterday's stream. I didn't watched it all, but I've had enough moments to speak of. Firstly, Fit greeting Philza right when the latter logged in, as they did wayy back, in the first few months of qsmp. Then Phil shows his crows his wings for the first time, which was already huge af. But then he trusted Fit enough to show them to him. And in reality, Phil just showed his greatest vulnerability and insecurity to this specific person, and if it's not the biggest gesture of trust I don't know what is. After Purgatory, they both were supposed to be colder to and be wary of each other, but no. They still confide in each other, being the most honest they can. Fit even apologized. And when Dadza called himself a dumbass, Fit quickly said he isn't one. I love them.

And then Phil and Fit spent a lot of time together, as they did before. Walking, talking, cleaning the server for their kids, joking about each other's d_c-. They're calm around each other, cuz they've known each other for years. I think it's a stretch once again, but I feel that Phil would show his wings to Fit first even if he had a choice.

And again, if we're going back more, when Phil saw the picture of the skull and called for Fit, the latter came almost immediately. After Crow started saying "stupid... Stupid bird brain" 2b2t veteran informed that he believed in existence of skull picture. War criminal sees that dadza starts to doubt in himself, so he reassures him and lets him join him and Pac in the dungeon. Putting friends before roommates (they are so gay, why is Fit in denial... No matter how jacked he is he can't beat Fitpac allegations).

They rotate in my head every second of the day. Their friendship is stronger than anything. If the world came crushing down, they're gonna be together. If one's in trouble the other is already planning the rescue mission. They know each other for a long time, they know how ruthless they can be, but they aren't afraid. They're here for each other. They put their trust in each other, giving each other access to private chambers (Fit's secret bedroom and kid's basement). They're prepared to break the rules, put oneself on the line for the other's sake. They even share illegal stuff with each other. Fit is bullets for Philza's gun. The best duo ever.

#qsmp #qsmp fitmc #qsmp philza #q fit #q philza #philza #qsmp fit #q fitmc #fitza #wallflowerduo #they're the besties. they're here for each other #their platonic love is something we should all strive to have #even when Fit couldn't speak freely; he still tried to warn Phil minutes before purgatory #and even though Phil asked 'are you hiding something' (paraphrasing cuz my memories suck) he didn't push it.#they know that they have some secrets they can't share but they feel comfortable enough to not push it. they don't need all the truth cuz #it's enough. they're enough for each other. they're friends. they're the boyz. they joke about each other's co-#i adore them sm #qsmp rambles #qsmp vod watching

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blossomthepinkbunny · 2 months

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Poor rendition of queer characters in HH and HB

Here I am again talking about queer representation in Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss, this time just more generally. Because it's always a little weird to me when people claim HH/HB to have good queer representation, when in actuality most of the queer characters are either just blatant stereotypes or get mishandled somehow. And with Helluva Boss recently winning the Queertys - Web series reward I think that this is probably a pretty good time to acknowledge that kind of stuff (as people have done before).

TW: Sexual assault, R@pe (when referring to the actions of characters)

Blitzø (Pansexual): is very sexual and seen on screen multiple times either having sex or just having had sex. Pretty much fits the general stereotype of queer men always being sexual and also the stereotype of pansexuals just sleeping with everybody. Like, he literally screwed the mutual Ex of his coworkers even though he knew how much that guy hurt them.

Stolas (Gay): also mostly sexual (from how he was introduced) and he is in a pretty terrible "relationship" with Blitzø, which includes coercion, SA, Power dynamics and fetishization. Another very sex-driven queer man. Also just great proof for the people assuming that queer relationships are inherently predatory, unhealthy and never work out.

Moxxie (Bisexual): is often forced into a very feminine role because even in relationships with women, queer men always have to be pointed out to be feminine and putting a guy in a dress is funny I guess.

Fizzarolli & Asmodeus (Queer): they're actually better than a lot of the other characters here but there is still some of that uneven power dynamic going on with them and there are obvious issues with their relationship. Overall they aren't too bad though. They didn't get that much sexual focus and what they got is kinda warranted since Ozzie is the Lust demon. But there is that one scene with Fizz stepping out of his car with Dildo confetti canons (I think) and that was sorta weird, since in an episode before that they presented Crimson as being homophobic and stereotypical for assuming queer men are all obsessed with dicks. Which is just interesting because thats most of the queer men in Vivzepops stories.

Chaz (Queer): just a sexually abusive asshole because we definitely needed more predatory queer men in this show.

Sally May (Trans mtf): basically the single recognized trans character in both shows and she only had one line. After that they made fan merch for her which consisted of her in a bikini with her bulge being drawn pretty visibly (multiple times). Of course there's nothing wrong with Trans people who don't have surgery but it's just a tiny bit weird to me that fanservice merchandise is what she got reduced to, when something like that wasn't even the joke of the only line she had in the show and because she hasn't recieved any kind of focus after that.

Angel Dust (Gay): now there is a lot of stuff that could be said about Angel. On one hand he is another very sexual gay man whose screentime often just consists of sex jokes and references. On the other hand that's a big point for his character. How he tries to act confident in his sexuality when in reality it's the main source of his problems. Though he does often harass other men in the show and that's just so unnecessary. Talking about Angel mostly leads into discussing if he is good representation for SA victims or not, which is something I don't want to talk about that much because I feel like it's not my place to judge that as someone who never has experienced SA. I'm gonna say that I do find Viv's treatment of him outside of the show insensitive (with the pro-shipping, diminishing Valentino as an Abuser and general sexualization of the characters) but as far as the portrayal of him in the show goes I've heard different opinions and you should read the discussion's of actual r@pe survivors about this topic if you want to know about more about it.

Husk (Queer): I don't have anything to say about Husk. He is a very refreshing queer man in these show's and there is nothing bad about him I could think of right now.

Valentino (Queer): for him I mostly want to talk about how he is treated outside of the show which doesn't sit right with me. He is a villian in HH so it's understandable that he is gonna do effed up stuff. I also like that the show tries to make a point about how men get sexually assaulted too (wether they succeeded in that inside the show I'm not gonna judge too hard like I said). But there are a lot of people who not only sexualize him, but also his actions and his relationship to Angel and from what I know Viv never really spoke out against that. She actually interacts with people who do that stuff and I it's just kinda gross.

Vox (Queer): I also don't have a lot to say about him. He and Val are a couple so he is dating a r@pist but he is also a villain so you can't really expect more from him. Especially since he would still be interacting with a r@pist even if they weren't dating.

Alastor (Aromantic, Asexual): is obviously not interested in relationships or sex but his identity is pretty much ignored by a huge amount of the fandom. Vivzepop never say's anything about people blatantly invalidating him like that. It seems to me like she doesn't care about characters who can't be involved in shipping but still wanted to have more diversity in her show so she just called him AroAce. In Hazbin Hotel he isn't bad representation though. His sexuality is never the focus but thats fine, it's mostly just the treatment he gets outside of HH which I don't like.

Charlie (Bisexual): doesn't have a lot to her sexuality. This is something I talked about pretty lengthy in my other post, specifically about the lack of Sapphic content in both shows, so I won't go into too much detail here. Her relationship with Vaggie would probably be the best in both shows if it wasn't for the fact that they both never get the real spotlight as a couple. And there is that thing in Vivzepops stories where the women are pretty much sexless without men and that's obviously something that is generally an issue when talking about the lack of Sapphic representation (which is also a topic heavily tied to sexism). Charlie's portrayal isn't necessarily stereotypical but that's just because there is nothing to her identity in the show.

Vaggie (Lesbian): like I said I already talked about the Chaggie relationship so now I wanna focus on something I didn't even mention in that post. Her name literally being Vagina and that's apparently funny because she is a Lesbian so she obviously likes Vagina. That's just incredibly stereotypical and also excludes Trans Lesbians and Asexual Lesbians who don't want sex. The whole joke was that Adam named her that because he is obsessed with sex and he's a jerk. But her name was always Vagina even in the pilot (from what I know Adam wasn't conceived then and neither was the idea that Vaggie even is a former exterminator).

That's all the queer characters I could think of. I hope I didn't miss any.

I thought about including Millie here too. But she was also already included in my other discussion post and I still don't know if she is canonically Bisexual of if that is just a headcannon so I didn't put her here.

I'm just gonna say that i don't have a problem with queer men being sexual (or any queer person in that regard). But it's pretty much every one of her queer male characters. This is especially bad when a lot of the relationships are toxic as well.

I just think too many characters fit stereotypes and to me that isn't good queer representation. If you like the depiction of queer characters in HH or HB that's good for you and you don't have to agree with me. But you also can't really deny a lot of this stuff and you can't expect others to just be fine with bland, hurtful and sometimes even toxic representation like there is in these shows.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel criticism #vivzepop critical #hazbin hotel critical #hazbin hotel critique #vivziepop #helluva boss #helluva boss critical #helluva boss critique #helluva boss criticism #queer representation #queer rep in media

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asukaskerian · 1 month

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Battlefield Terra is one of those works that just...changed my brain chemistry for so many reasons. I still go back and read it and think about it. This isnt an ask to return to it (though wouldn't be upset) but just to like thank you for putting the amount of it that you did out there

.__. *squish squish* thank you.

i cannot REMEMBER for the life of me if i ever posted any of the scene bits i had written in the chapter i never completed. first scene is actually one i love a lot, but then the battle scene was overtly complex and too long and had required so many rewrites and nothing worked. hghghhg.

but. anyway. this is the scene with the fallout from the "oh shit i kissed the alien am I GAY after all?????? oh fucking hell why did i notice JUST AT THE SAME TIME AS I NOTICE HOW MUCH HE'S NEVER GONNA *DECIDE NOT TO GO HOME* vfbndjh gnx;"

"And this is why it never pays to be stingy with technology," Jane said philosophically from the bucket seat next to John.

Strapped in like a sausage in its skin, John still managed to turn his helmet and grin at his sister. "Aw, come on, you didn't want the industry to cut into its profit margin, did you."

In the corner of his -- of all the pilots' -- glasses was an explosion of Spanish and Chinese sentences, nonsensical words, and Roxy-worthy typos.

The industry thing was mostly a joke; the think-typing-thoughts interface had first been developed for quadriplegics and amputees, and outside of hardcore nerds and professionals whose job required they be able to code very fast, people still preferred using their actual hands. One good reason for it: at the level of miniaturization necessary to put the brain sensors into glasses, it was new enough to still be expensive.

The new communication hub was a complete mess of hundreds of people trying it on for the first time, and it was hilarious.

"--Wow, hey, I know what that guy is doing! Oh my god, it's excellent, he's trying to think in sign language." Roxy giggled, tried to kick her feet only they were also strapped in. The craft was still accelerating, after all. Bleh. "Only then he has to transcribe into English, and he's doing it super literally! Hehehe."

Jane perked up a little. "Huh! No wonder the grammar was odd."

ID28YB: holy shit were all guna die in space aaaa

ID28YB: on the upside italics!

ID17NC: fuck how do you backspace backspacebacmlnpi

ID13JA: SARGANT MY CAPCLOSK IS FUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ID01JA: Like shit it is, PrivatE.

ID01JA: DamN.

ID98NZ: fifty Nine bottles of beer ON THE WALL, take one DOWN pass itaround FIftynIneBOTTLES on Thewall!!!!!

"I'll be so glad when they lock it down to emergency communications again," Jade said from John's other side, and sighed.

"At least the bosses forbid them to use colors," John said, trying for consoling. (He kind of failed, mostly because he was snickering.)

Jake chuckled from his seat at the end of the line, on Jade's other side, but didn't add anything. He hadn't really been talking much ever since they took off, and since they couldn't lean out of their seats it was really hard to see what face he was making. John wondered if he was worried about --

Of course he was worried. And if John thought about all the reasons why, he was going to start to fret too. His stomach was already in a knot behind the adrenaline grin, no need to double down on it.

"Hey Jake," he threw out, with no idea what kind of light-conversation topic he was going to pull out. "D'you think--"

"Say, chaps, I think I feel lighter!" Jake interrupted.

"Huh, yeah, maybe?" John tried to bounce his leg and wasn't sure if there was a difference yet. It was hard to feel the lessening weight of his body when it was such a knot of anticipation already, and when he couldn't move. "Wow. Are we reaching cruising speed already? There was no announcement--"

The door opened and Corporal Vantas stepped through.

(Not Karkat. There was a difference.)

"Woohoo, you clean up nice!" Roxy said with a whistle as he stalked closer in his alien boots and his space-black flight suit, head bare but for the jarringly pink headset nestled against his horns. John noticed all over again that his skin was slate gray, that his eyes were violently red and yellow.

That he moved through the heavy gravity of the rocket's push like it wasn't even there, when John himself -- at least at first -- would have wobbled.

"What mean -- no, I don't care."

He sat beside Jake in the free seat at the end that should have gone to Dirk, and disappeared from John's view, what with the helmets and the protruding edges of the bucket seats. John swallowed and put a smile on his face, even though no one was going to see him. For a second he had thought Karkat was coming toward him. Haha, silly.

"No more talk with the Generals, Karkat?" Jane asked, tone forcefully light.

"Mm. No."

"Talk with us now? Do you have anything important to say or just hanging out?"

John's eyes flitted over the logs on his glasses, the higher ranks starting to organize to separate the chatter by platoons. It was still mostly banter and bad jokes.

"...Hanging out? Yes. Hanging out. Here, not... other here. I'm Corporal not General, it's not fucking right I'm with them."

It was the exact same tone the Marines John knew used when they got offended when their chain of command got dumbass ideas. Heh.

Maybe a little hesitation. Maybe just the translation issues.

JH: haha, you guys *wish* you could type in colors!

ID28YB: if by colors u mean rainbow fruity goodness then sure :(

ID28YB: i wanted mauve goddamn!!

JH: maybe better that you can't have it, echidna would have had to cut you. :'(

(Urgh. He missed Rose. He wished she were well enough to fight with them today.)

Jade joined the conversation, asked Karkat about... John wasn't listening. What the politicos had told him, when he was alone with them without a translator. Stuff. Boring stuff.

Karkat's low, gravelly voice kept slipping into his ears no matter how hard he tried not to pay attention to the words. ("You talk I fall on you a lot. Maybe you want --")

Anyway when the loudspeaker in the wall started talking he was pretty glad.

"Attention troops, cruise speed has been reached. Stay seated until your immediate superior allows you to stand..."

Two clicks echoed around him, Jade and Roxy undoing their security harnesses in unison.

"Oh my god, I'm so stiff," Jade groaned. "I'm going to check on Remington, anyone wanna come with?"

"You sit still for longer stretches of time in battle," Jane pointed out as she freed herself in turn, as Jake was still fighting his clasps.

"In battle my seat is perfectly adapted to my butt!"

The girls started to file out, talking about butts, and John almost heard Dave mentioning butt massages, almost mentioned it himself but. No. That would have been wrong even if two thirds of the lot weren't family.

He thought of following them. He would just skip along, snicker and stretch his legs and tease the Marines and...

"See you guys later," he said instead, waving without looking, heart a pulsating knot in his throat. "Karkat and I have to practice the telepathy-typing thing. Well, mostly me."

He closed his eyes for a few seconds, listened to the tread of boots on the hard plastic floor.

He didn't need to look in order to know which one of them was Karkat, getting up and moving one seat down the line.

Leaving one seat empty between them. Huh. John wasn't sure how to take that one.

"Huhn. You want telepathy now?"

John winced to himself. "It's pretty much now or in the middle of battle, isn't it?"

A beat of silence, and then Karkat grunted an acknowledgement. "Mm."

"Mm," John agreed, and kept on not making a move toward his own headset. Karkat's was already in place, possibly already turned on. John just had to tap.

"Maybe we speak and then headsets," Karkat suggested.

"... Yeah, maybe that."

John made a superfluous noise of agreement, and then groaned and pushed his helmet off his head, tucked it between his feet. He took his gloves off next, dropped them inside the helmet, and then buried both hands in his hair to scratch and rub with vigorous frustration. It did not soothe him as much as he had hoped for.

"This is the worst timing," he groaned, muffled, as he curled forward until he could prop his elbows on his thighs and lace his fingers behind his head. His spine cracked.

The worst timing, and the worst thing. He wasn't sure he'd have taken it much better elsewhere, with more time to take care of the fallout. It sucked. His head was a mess just when he absolutely needed to be as perfectly in the zone as he had ever been in his entire life.

"I'm sorry," Karkat said quietly. "We do big things today. I was stupid. Even if you said oh yes good, kissing! it's other things in our head and we can't have other things in our head now. I didn't do the good thing."

John groaned quietly, face prickling with heat, and closed his eyes. "No, it's... Yeah. Yeah, okay, that wasn't -- the right time. But you... You were right. I was looking."

He hadn't managed to stop looking even once since he'd seen Karkat naked, coming out of his slime. Maybe he had even been looking before that, playing it off as fascination with Karkat's alienness. Kind of like 'haha no I just like looking at his horns because they're weird, so random amirite!' only with everything else on top of the horns, like his little bitey teeth on goth-black lips and his bare toes and the fit of his goddamn dress suit at the summit--

"So why--" Karkat fell silent, drew in a breath, and then released it in a long, hissing sigh and muttered under his breath in alienese. John couldn't even offer a guess from the tone this time around.

Why did you kiss back, he could have been asking. Why did you stop kissing. Why did you never make a move. Why did you make a move now. Why are you such an idiotic mess.

Answer was the same for all of them, anyway. "I don't know."

"Why do you not know that?!" Karkat shot back -- more incredulous than angry, but John winced anyway. "How you look at a people and don't know, and other people tell you 'yes, them' and you say 'haha, no' and you're wrong?"

"Oh, shut up!" John snapped as he threw himself back into his chair, his arms coming up to cross tight against his ribs. Even now he couldn't look toward Karkat at all, shoulders curled in and away from the other man. His stomach felt like someone was squeezing it with both hands; his face still prickled with mortification. It was awful, he wanted to get up and run just to get moving, stop having to think on it -- leave the feeling behind -- but he knew better than to think it would work. He knew better and he still wanted to try, flinching and too tense; what a shit condition for battle. Fuck. "I know, okay? I'm the most stupid jerk--"

Karkat's hand was hot even through the glove.

He tugged on John's elbow, lightly, squeezed a little.

"Zhann."

"... Sorry."

"No, I'm sorry," he said, sounding tired, and his hand fell from John's arm. "It's shit words."

John sneaked him a look; Karkat wasn't looking directly at John either, mouth pinched in discomfort, eyes dim somehow.

"Is it I'm alien and it's gross? So you don't in your head because ... haha, gross, can't be true--"

"No!" John spluttered, turning in his seat as much as he could to face him. "No, no, you being an alien is -- it is weird, but it's not bad, it's just not normal. It's... You're a guy?"

Karkat looked up at him, eyebrows furrowed. "Huhn?"

God. It figured. For all the joking about Karkat being gay that John had been doing like an asshole, he'd mentioned an old girlfriend too, and the cat girl who liked him that he didn't want to lead on, and it had never felt like she was disqualified because of boobs.

Also -- ugh, thanks Dirk and his casual beach gossipping -- Karkat thought Jade's butt was nice, and so was Mr. Strider's. So. Bisexual.

The way he looked now, baffled and not liking it, it was a little like he had never heard of someone who wasn't. Oh boy. What a mess. John raked a hand through his hair, tried to get back into explaining mode.

"It's -- we're mammals, remember? We need a boy and a girl to. To make little humans. That means normally we don't want other males, or other females, because -- there can be no babies? So a boy doesn't have a boyfriend, he has a girlfriend, and... The other way around, too. Boy and girl, yes, boy and boy no?"

"... Huhn."

"I mean. Some men like men! Dirk and Mr. Strider like men. But they knew it pretty early on. They knew when they were kids -- when they were small? -- that they were like that. And I've never." He swallowed. "I've never. Thought about a guy. Like that."

"Oh."

"And it's really weird." He gave a twitch of a shrug, looked away. "... And I don't know if it's because of the telepathy."

"Oh," Karkat said again, but this time he sounded stricken, not baffled.

John dropped a hand on Karkat's forearm across the empty seat, patted awkwardly -- wanted to squeeze or hold his wrist (or hold his hand) but that was just -- even such a short touch made his stomach twist with odd queasiness, his face flush back to maximum redness. "It's okay, buddy. I don't -- it's just. ... Don't feel bad, okay, that's stupid, I just -- it is weird, but --"

Karkat's breastbone beeped. Scowling down, he fished his tablet out of his collar, unrolled it, shook it stiff. Oh. Little countdown shown in rows of dots, going one by one from red to dark.

Five seconds to a dot, fifteen dots to a row, and how many rows... Hm. Ten minutes left before... John wasn't sure. They weren't going to be there yet in ten minutes.

"My mech. Gotta wake up, it's slow." Karkat waved a brisk hand, eyebrows furled in worry.

John closed his eyes. "Do you want to practice the mind-typing?"

"It's not want," Karkat grunted, slanting him a look. "... It's going to be bad."

"Mm."

"We need bigger time, not this," he added, tapping the tablet with the outside curve of a claw.

John tried out a dry shrug, and thought to himself that he really didn't enjoy it, that 'if you fuck this up you will have fucked everything up' feeling. Dread was for the battlefield, not for stupid interpersonal relationships.

"Probably. We can keep working on it once we're in our mechs, too..."

Karkat snorted, replied something in alienese that had to be 'We had better.'

Yeah, okay. John just had to put his helmet back on.

"We don't have time for this crap!" he growled -- whined, if he wanted to be fair, something strangled and pleading, frustrated.

"Mnh."

John curled forward, hands cupping his temples, elbows on his knees. "Damn it. I don't -- I can't -- in ten minutes, that's too--"

There was no way he was going to be able to stop thinking about all the things he didn't want to think about, all the things -- the petty, selfish things -- he didn't want Karkat to know about.

Like the incontrovertible fact that no matter what John figured out he wanted, whatever compromises they found with each other, there was no magic button that would make Karkat stay.

He'd been in Karkat's head too much to imagine for one second he would weigh out John and the dubious safety Earth offered him against his people -- his people abused and thrown out like shark bait to be mowed down by enemies and superiors alike -- and choose John.

John was pretty sure Karkat wouldn't even choose Gamzee.

"Do you want sex."

John flinched around and back so fast he hit his shoulder blade against one of the edges of the seat.

Karkat was looking back at him -- steady, John thought at first, but his lower eyelids were tight, his cheeks just a little dusky. The heat on John's face cooled down just barely at that.

"I ask so it's not more alien bullshit thing. It's what you want?"

"Oh my god," John protested, looking around wildly in case anyone had managed to open the sealing doors to the small room without the hiss of pneumatics warning them. "I don't know! I'm not -- I swear I'm not lying, I don't -- this is freaking me out."

"I see that, dumbass," Karkat said, but almost nicely. "You're so bad in your head, I don't know you can get that much a clusterfuck."

John groaned, slumped forward again.

"... Mouth thing, was good?"

"... Yeah."

"Touching?"

John gave a little grunt, eyes closed.

"Want where?"

"Why do you need to know?!"

There was a moment of silence like Karkat rolling his eyes, or maybe just watching him, waiting. John didn't check.

"Zhann."

"... Horns? Maybe your hands. I kind of. Want to see your claws. We could sit close? We could--" He choked. His face prickled so hot it almost hurt. He wanted to touch Karkat's face, follow his nose with a fingertip -- he wanted Karkat to allow that, the trust and closeness it would mean.

"That's where?" Karkat grumbled, gave John a frustrated look. John tore his eyes away, ducked his head. Where had he -- when they had kissed (his mouth tingled like an echo) -- when Karkat was so close, almost on his lap, what had he --

"Your thighs," he whispered, dizzy with nerves and shame. "Inside." He clenched his knees together, hands knotted between them -- oh, Karkat's legs clamped down on his hand, all warm and snug. Muscles bunching, straining. So close to his -- his. Oh shit, John couldn't pop a boner inside his flight suit, not while Karkat was watching, while they were hashing out how much of a total clusterfuck this was going to be.

There was silence for too long -- three seconds, ten, every single one tightening his shoulders, knotting his guts worse, nausea and heat mingling dizzyingly.

"... Put your head thing on, Zhann."

John groaned out loud. "Are you kidding me, I will die. I don't want you to -- there's too much, it's. We can't!"

But when he glanced at the tablet still across Karkat's lap they were down to the last two rows of dots and it was now or never. More accurately, now or on the battlefield when they were supposed to coordinate two forces that had never fought together against ... however many of those aliens who wouldn't have followed some random high-ranked asshole from nowhere into open rebellion.

He shoved the helmet down before he could think about it twice. It felt too tight, like he was going to strangle, to be crushed.

Karkat felt too close; an empty seat between them and John still remembered him in Excalibur's cockpit, how easy it would have been to slip on his lap and kiss and--

(Yeah okay definitely sexual there) flitted through his mind from Karkat, alongside ... surprise, oh wow, so violent, stop feeling, not the end of the world --

John flashed back to his previous thought -- sitting next to each other and his hand trapped between strong thighs and oh shit he was getting hard, no, no --

(hand pushing higher) echoed back briefly, edged with curiosity, a spark of -- Karkat shook his head, slapped his own hands down onto his knees, hard enough to sting. John startled. "Okay!" Karkat said, staring straight ahead.

He was maybe smiling a little.

Okay yes we need to talk later I don't fuck and run (do you?)

John spluttered. "How would I know!" I've never/and run where anyway we're on an island!

Take your mech, zip off? (laughter) (mister space pilot, so locked in.) Wait, never? How old-- oh right no one around only older adults and your tangleclan/friends and you can't with half of them because blah blah mammals (and not boys? Why not boys. Aliens what the fuck.)

John groaned again, hands on his helmet since he couldn't get to his face. Could have Rose or Roxy! Roxy was my first kiss! (haha sloppy-alright-nice but I saw you fingers up your nose too much as a kid sorry John I like you tender-nice but it all fizzed out) and Rose kissed me on a dare and it was like kissing Jane it was horrible.

And that was the entire fucking extent of your romantic and sexual experience oh my dear little dark gods that's pitiful. (sharp/teal/lovely-blade moaning over me (tight-soft-deep) other hurried hands in dark corners--) shit sorry--

Oh. Of course Karkat had had sex before. Of course he would know more, of course John was hopelessly late and useless -- he couldn't even bring himself to think about, about kissing, never mind what happened later, he was a kid--

The tablet beeped.

"Shit," Karkat said in English, and another few words that echoed as bounce me around on a bladed dildo. Which, yeowch. He turned to stare at John, already half out of his seat and leaning forward, a claw-tipped hand clenched on the armrest. "(I gotta get going now. John, do you--)"

He was leaning forward like he was about to kiss John, if John hadn't been wearing a helmet, and John knew full well that wasn't at all what he'd been doing, knew because he was in Karkat's brain, and still couldn't help but fear-hope for it.

(I'll kiss you if we win) flashed between them, too fast to hold back. No wait sorry (god it'd feel nice) we have to talk first and -- not now, cannot be now.

John laughed, mostly from nerves. I'll come with you (sit in cockpit think tappy thoughts oh my god they'll love transcripts of your foul mouth be hilarious what if I accidentally transcribe the sex thoughts too oh no oh no--)

Karkat's hand caught his wrist.

"(Do you trust me,)" he said low and intense, in an alienese that John almost didn't notice as not English from how strong the mind-echo was.

The response came embarrassingly instantaneous. "Of course I --" He swallowed. What do you want me to do?

Okay. (You are ridiculous) (thank you.)

Karkat crinkled his golden-red eyes at John and for the first time John realized he doesn't mind how I feel.

Crushes happen, Karkat replied almost casually, with a little pleased-flattered-glad trill running underneath. Crushes happen to me in particular all the damn time so I have no stones to throw. (I know this one is worse, tangled-odd with headsets but it was kind of predictable too especially because of the headsets.)

A harsh beep.

No more time. Follow me?

Follow you where, John wondered, and then Karkat showed him.

His mind nudged closer. Body alive with battle arousal, heart thumping too fast, just barely shaky in his body and he need-wanted John's cheerful-calm interest, his certainty. They should absolutely not kiss before the battle because he would cling and waste time hoping for time to stop instead and also they really needed to hash that shit out but oh, so smug that he'd been right all along. His face winced briefly at whatever echo John sent back, and then he --

(Terrifying/not right/I will never manage alone.)

John's gorge rose. (can't let that happen/you're not alone (I'm not alone either can't be please god--)

(Good,) rang like a bell between them, and then Karkat's direct, almost forceful Dive(/echo/merge) with me.

John's hands closed tight enough on the armrests that the hard plastic cracked under his fingertips at the thought, visualized like two discordant graphs slowly entering resonance, like rebounding, endless echoes -- the pattering, muted thunder of armies in lockstep. But -- but too close so many things I can't share, how?! Can't sync if we're like this I'm mortified (want to die/hide/wash it out of my brain) you're -- you're --

I want to fight. (Scared to fight.) I need to fight. Silly flurry of thoughts -- bothersome, I have them too (misjudged when to tell people about psychics, misjudged you, (this is not a romcom where you are the heroine what the fuck Vantas,) could have endangered/maybe did endanger the operation twice) we can sync on that! (would be bad). Or we can sync on --

Mechs. Piloting.

Winning the goddamn battle.

We had better not think of beds, John sent Karkat, smile shaking on his face. Karkat snorted back, crooking him a smile.

They bumped foreheads -- or forehead and helmet -- and straightened up, because it was time to go.

They stood (John stood) and walked to the door, one-two, one-two. (Easier if we walk in sync, they agreed, and wondered if it would also work mirrored. But they would experiment later, John, now where was the hangar?)

It was… odd, not quite seamless, little twitches of individual thoughts -- not like last time, at the conference.

It was easier when a Marine came across them -- Sergeant, look at the shoulder bars -- and said, "I was assigned to escort, uh, you, Corporal Vantas..."

"We're coming," they assured her with two mouths (unnecessary) (but which is it again.) "How long do we have left?"

"Four minutes," she said, carefully expressionless in her bulking power armor, the helmet politely open still as she placed herself opposite from the claws side.

Can you blame her though? haha.

It's not like I didn't help patch those weaknesses.

How'd you even find -- oh, yeah.

Of course horn sense would perceive the electricity field where crucial wires ran, the way a solid plate trembled under a headbutt at the weaker places, of course Karkat's terror would crank his pitiful amount of sensitivity up higher and the luck of frenetic, half-blind panic do the rest.

The upgraded armor would be a little harder but they had the brute strength to punch through and the claws to tear wiring free. Should be easy -- but the Marines weren't the enemy. Strong-respectful-friendly-safe. Distant-confused too (we're too young for how much weight/responsibility we carry) but nice, mostly.

The bay where they were keeping (dad) the mech was empty, if well-guarded; the Marines had taken the warning that the biomechs sometimes ate people to heart, it seemed. Which was hilarious, because (dad) was way too tired to lunge and chomp, which... wasn't funny at all, actually. (When they won, the first thing they'd do would be to put him to a feeding/repairs station.)

They scaled the black-shelled side of the mech, pushing and pulling each body from handhold to foothold -- chinks in the shell, the edge of a plate. (They avoided the gaping cavity of its ripped-away manipulating-arm, no matter how convenient it would have been for a step-up.) The edge of the cockpit opening was cracked open like a wound, ready to be pushed through -- convenient but loose because dad was tired; worrying but nothing to be done for now -- thank god they'd gotten the flight suit back because those weird cotton clothes were a clinging, heavy pain when soaked through with neural gel...

Oh right. John's flight suit might not react quite well to the neural fluid now that dad-mech knew it. What if it dissolved? Haha, naked in the cockpit. Or more like half-naked with strategically placed, slowly widening holes, talk about a porn flick setting. Didn't help that the dissolving/digesting gels used to clean dirt and dead skin cells might also trigger if Dad felt contrary enough and also eat through yeah okay, that was an unsexy thought. John/Karkat crouched, one body on the solid edge, one across the cracked-open plates, and then sinking, eyes closed.

It was the perfect temperature inside, but that never made that first deep breath of gel any easier. He breathed air deeper with the body still outside, like the unencumbered-lungs feeling could help (it helped, even though oxygen wasn't going to come through telepathically. Bodies were stupidly easy to trick.) and settled inside within the nest of coils, seeking out the one that went -- ow, yeah, there, in the flight suit slot at the base of his neck, between the vertebrae.

Wake up, he thought at it, through the neural gel and through the spinal tap, letting it feel his nerve impulses so they could sync more thoroughly. Wake up, (flight systems, weapon arms, no more standby) there's a battle coming.

Once the process was started it was a matter of waiting until it was sufficiently awake (and burning through the last of its energy.) The Karkat body wiggled into place, let the other tentacles slot into their ports to read his every muscle twitch, so the mech would be ready to move before he even thought it coherently enough to decide exactly what movement he wanted, and then settled down.

It was easier to keep in sync if they weren't both doing different things. The John body waited until the other one was at rest and then stood up, let himself slide along rib covers until gravity flung him off entirely, still pretty high over the ground; he landed in a perfectly timed crouch, laughing a little in admiration (Gods of the Devouring-dark but this body was convenient) and walked out of the hangar.

The Marines at the door didn't look at him like a stranger-threat or even a superior-officer-threat, more like a low-caste soldier might look at a beloved high-blue who cared-possessive for them (still dangerous in the abstract, never quite controllable, but theirs.) It was so strange, so normal.

"Is Corporal Vantas going to stay inside his mech?" the sergeant asked him, falling into step.

"Yes, Sergeant," he assured her soberly. "Until we go."

They weren't sure why that got them a weird look, but it was probably nothing to fret about. The metal mechs' bay door was just there -- similarly guarded but they let John/Karkat pass without a word; one of them nodded at him, fierce and grim-eyed. He nodded back the same way, and then -- oh -- worried that it might worry them, because John usually joked before a battle and soldiers didn't like things to be different. Bad luck. But by then they were at the lift and it was a bit too late to fret about the mental state of grunts.

They opened the cockpit and walked in, swung around to sit. The butt-hollow still felt wrong.

So many buttons and toggles and it was a wonder John never got them wrong regarding which did what. (Heh.)

The arm-rest where Karkat had sat ... for a moment John-alone was sent reeling, buzzing, experiencing it from the other side -- the tingle of excitement-certainty, that wordless moment when you finally knew the other person was interested, had been flirting back, the pleasure-relief of feeling wanted and known. So touching-surprising-soft to find John so far from cocky carelessness, from being sure of Karkat.

It was sweet, Karkat felt. John stared at the screens he was bringing to life and read the words he knew by heart like they might have changed somehow, tried to think war thoughts.

Weapons check, Karkat thought, tinged with apology-for-the-distraction, tinged with fondness/you-are-sweet.

John went through a weapons check.

They'd left him Excalibur's usual monofilament swords, breakable as they were -- one-hit kills was more Dave's thing than John's -- but he had his hammer too, and the more usual set of bombs and missiles.

Also two EMP bombs. He thought back to Karkat shying away from the microwave and the difference in yield and --

Yeowch vicious yeah that'll work. Not through the home-ship hull (gotta shield from star radiations) but it'll work. How come no one generals-making-plans told me we had that -- wait fuck I'm stupid of course no one would tell me when they were still considering using it on me. It'll work on the biomechs and probably the troop transports but I don't know about the range.

Excal's got good radiation shields, so we can get pretty close and make sure of the kill, John reminded him, and then Karkat reminded him they weren't supposed to wade in, just watch-coordinate from the back.

Like that'll last, they both thought, so closely that maybe neither one had thought it first, that they'd just both had the exact same amused-despairing reaction.

They went through the flight check in comfortable, whispering quiet.

#battlefield terra #asuka writes #this dates from 2017 sobs #homestuck #jonhkat

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mulderscully · 8 months

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been thinking about some peoples complaints about how the movie handled alex's coming out as opposed to the book.

part of me understands because the movie did sort of neuter this as well as the depth of henry's mental illness, but at the same time i understand why. the movie is already two hours long and tbh if they wanted to do a fully faithful adaptation (which imo is not necessary) it maybe should've been a mini series.

and aside from taking out liam, tbh i still think that all happened just wasn't shown, and the fact that this is why alex has always known he's "lowkey into dudes" i feel like people don't fully grasp what alex goes through in that time after new years in the movie.

not every bisexual person has the same experience, but i can relate to alex pretty well both in the book and in the movie in terms of his sexuality cause they actually are pretty similar.

a lot of times when you're bisexual you just feel like everyone feels this way. you sort of feel like being straight is what being bisexual is, because the idea that others do not experience attraction to the same and different genders sounds... fake. like. i'm not even joking when i say i have a hard time believing straight people exist. i fully, of course, believe gay people exist, but people being straight and not queer at all makes me ??? sometimes, even now that i have identified as bi for over ten years.

then, there is a pretty big difference between knowing you experience same gender attraction from time to time and actively identifying as a bisexual person, as a queer person, a member of the lgbtq community.

bisexuals, to this day, are made to feel like we do not belong by both heterosexual people and our own community (which is why ellen telling alex the b in lgbtq is not a silent letter realllly matters) so sometimes you really do just shut out that part of yourself and choose to see yourself as straight because it's not worth fighting all the biphobia that you face, but it's still a part of you that you are shutting out and repressing, which is what alex was doing with henry the entire time and where his alleged dislike of him comes from in the first place. henry hates how much he loves alex so he's mean to him, alex doesn't understand why henry is mean to him because he wants henry to like him because he ALSO has feelings for him and those things clash.

during the time that henry ghosts him alex has time to evaluate himself, his feelings and his identity. he has the time to say "this is not something that i am going to ignore about myself anymore" and it may not be as magnified as it is for henry because they're in different positions in terms of support systems, it's still powerful.

when he comes out to henry, you can tell he is getting used to thinking of himself as bisexual but you can also tell that he is nervous to say the word, because telling someone you're bi is ALWAYS terrifying because you don't know what they might say to it. on top of that, you can feel that it is important to him to say it, to tell henry who he is now that he understands it.

being bisexual and identifying that way, and that being part of who you are and carrying it in your heart is a different thing than being like "yeah, whatever i'll make out with someone at a party" even if the latter is still a valid way to be queer. and sometimes you just look back and realize that [x] experience was NEVER straight.

and the best part of the movie to me is henry's complete acceptance of this. henry never ever questions alex's attraction to him, he never questions if alex will be able to stay committed to him, if he will leave him for a woman, if he's confused, or any of the things that STILL happen in media with bisexual characters as leads and as a bisexual person that has been one of the most freeing things to watch.

so yes, alex's bisexuality is still very important and handled as such in the film, in my personal bisexual opinion.

#rwrb #alex claremont diaz #firstprince #red white and royal blue #i feel like if liam had been in the movie it would've distracted some ppl from firstprince too ngl #i know how fandoms work lol #and this movie is a love story abt two characters not some love triangle

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weirdly-specific-but-ok · 4 months

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pt IX good omens on livestream, i'm not ok: S1E4

You did it, Good Omens fandom, my dear maggots. You broke me in every way. Now I'm here, and where I once spent my day peacefully being sad about normal things, I'm now sad about a random fact about nightingales I learned on a British ornithology site and this is just... the brainrot. It's real. Raise brainrot awareness. Prevention is better than the nonexistent cure.

Well, I've procrastinated this post by like 48 hours by drawing fanart and being mopey over Crowley and generally being asleep because I'm still on antibiotics and ill. So let us not procrastinate further. First, episode 4. Tally, hoes!

In preparation for the stream, I gathered two emotional support oranges, only one of which was gaseous, and an apple. This was so that rather than waste an orange on being gay for Crowley I'd use the apple for that, symbolic of his temptation in the Garden of Eden etc. I didn't know how badly this plan would go.

On Discord, our collective loins girded, I noticed with no small suspicion that everyone was muttering about the bookshop and whether I'd be okay. When I demanded frantically what happened to the bookshop (I THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS IN S2) everyone shut up and told me the bookshop was in tiptop shape and it was all tickety-boo and nothing would happen at all in episode 5.

Spoiler alert it is not all tickety-boo.

We start with Aziraphale going for a jog to keep uh fit for exercising with Crowley, and he is interrupted by Gabriel, who is not Jimbriel, and is not naked, that is, we cannot see his arse yet, but we can see that he is an arse.

We then see not-Newt the deliveryman with his wife Maude and they are the only straight couple that the people on the chat care about. Calling him not-Newt is going to pose problems for me.

Crowley is being a smart baby, and researching astronomy. Poor Crowley. I love Crowley. Do you understand? I LOVE CROWLEY.

There is a lot of talk of spoons and forks and such innuendos. I make a joke about scissors being missing. The chat does not notice. I am disappointed in the gays.

I am so engrossed in the way Death says "deeAaaAAthHHhh" that I fail to notice Not-Newt get killed delivering a message to Death. This is going to pose problems for me.

I forgot about the apocalypse plotline till the horsepeople arrive. This is understandable. I care not for this 'world' ending, my new world is Crowley. I love Crowley.

Duck aliens fucking descend. This is not a joke. There are duck aliens, and they are supportive of trans people. Newt does not count their nipples.

The Shad guy doesn't care Newt found aliens. He is upset that Newt didn't find witches. If Shad was mowing his lawn and found gold, he would toss it aside because he is focused on mowing. I can respect that. People make jokes about Newt eventually finding a witch.

It is suddenly a Christopher Nolan movie. Someone corrects me and says it's more like Jerry Bruckheimer. I do not know what that is.

Someone says Crowley destroys the Bentley but for whatever reason, like a lot of people before, makes it a black box that you have to click to read. I don't mind that, I like clicking.

Aziraphale bought out a theatre for Crowley, like a Kdrama where the rich CEO buys out an entire theatre for his working class girl.

Adam goes through what I went through with OCD. It is not fun.

It is now a horror movie. Adam floats in the air. That was not a symptom I had with OCD.

Crowley asks Aziraphale to run away with him to the stars. Aziraphale says no. Crowley is upset and my baby Azi looks so sad and confused about everything he believes in. Great. I'm totally fine, I think as I start stuffing my emotional support orange into my mouth.

It is now a Home Alone movie. Crowley in gloves is sexy. Mmmmmmm yes. Crowley does great advertising for plant spray bottles as he murders and threatens demons.

I point out that the GO book says Crowley can do "weird things with his tongue" as I learned from the GO scent guide company page. It was after all the most relevant take-away from that page.

Disco Tony arrives. This is not a safe space.

AZIRAPHALE KEEPS TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING AND IS FAILED BY HEAVEN LEAVE MY BABY AZI ALONE WTF GO AWAY. THE ANGELS WALL SLAM HIM TOO. THAT'S CROWLEY'S THING YOU BASTARDS.

Newt and Anathema are cute. I DON'T NOTICE BECAUSE IM SO UPSET HE'S CHEATING ON MAUDE AND WONDERING WHY THE CHAT IS OKAY WITH IT BECAUSE I AM A FOOL WHO CONTINUES TO MIX UP NEWT WITH NOT-NEWT AND THEN THE CHAT TELLS ME NOT-NEWT DIED AND I'M CONFUSED.

Newt and Anathema are having sex. As an aspec person, I am very alarmed at the visuals.

Azi is failed by heaven and the metatron. Shocker. Fucking get away from Azi. Azi is miserable and looks like he wants to cry.

AZI IS EXORCISED AND THE FUCKING FLAME CATCHES IN THE BOOKSHOP AND THE EPISODE ENDS.

TAKE MY PAIN MOTHERFUCKERS. I WILL POST THIS AND THEN WRITE THE EP5 PART.

#good omens #good omens mascot #good omens fandom #crowley #weirdly specific but ok #lgbtqia #aziraphale #asmi #neil gaiman #aziracrow #good omens spoilers #ineffable fandom #ineffable husbands #good omens summary #ineffably queer #go s1 #good omens 1 #go s1 ep4

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octuscle · 9 months

Note

Life in France is amazing ! I couldn't be happier with my handsome boyfriend Claude, holding hands and kissing not caring what people thought of us, living the life in Amiens.

We were on our daily walk around the city when a random sprinkler broke and completely soaked us with water ! The landcapist, a thirty-ish man started to apologize in spanish though I couldn't understand a thing. Luckily Claude had taken some classes after work and after a bit of laughing and joking around everything was fine.

José, as he was called, offered us some exchange clothes, Claude refused but as I was completely wet, clothes heavy and shoes filled with water, I gladly accepted. He gave me some of his spare clothes : thin work pants and a simple white shirt. Both were way to big for me but I wouldn't be wearing them for long, José even offered me to change in the back of his van which I gladly accepted too.

Claude and I rapidly walked back home so we could clean ourselves. He told me I was quite handsome in the Gardening clothes and went right to the bathroom, while I stayed back, thinking about what my boyfriend just said. With a malicious grin I took his phone and opened the app he had shown me last week. We had used it once to have some fun but remained cautious since a single wrong manipulation could seriously mess with our lives.

I selected myself as a target, and activated "Change to fit environment" and set the timer for three days. I then went to Claude's profile and made him oblivious to all the changes. This will be fun ! I took my working clothes off and joined my boyfriend in the shower.

The next day I woke at 5 am, Claude was still sleeping and I myself didn't manage to go back to sleep. That's when it hit me ! I was supposed to work for a big client today ! I knew this memory wasn't mine but I didn't care, I just had to get along and the changes would happen themselves ! Claude was in for a big surprise once I made him aware of the changes again !

I put on my working clothes which were still too big for me and went on my way taking the bus to one of the nicer parts of Amiens where all the rich people lived. On the ride I noticed how my muscles were swelling the closer I got to my destination, my feet were nicely filling my work boots and my shirt was stretched by my chest. My hands and fingers got thicker and meatier, callouses formed on them like I had done a lot of manual labor. I couldn't help but explore my bigger face, pressing my fingers on my plump lips, feeling my shorter hair.

I flexed my swollen arms and stretched my legs, noticing how nicely I fit José's clothes like they were almost made for me. Speaking of José, I could see him stationing our van in front of this massive property. The client wanted us to install a massive colorful flowerbed for some marriage of one of his grandsons. I managed to overhear some bits of conversation, his grandson was gay, and will be marrying another man called Claude, how odd !

José and I went ahead and started digging up the ground. I remembered applying at his company for an apprenticeship, it was hard to communicate at first since he spoke little french, but he was impressed how fast and well I could get the work done, so after my apprenticeship he hired me as a full time employee.

As we were planting the last flowers, the sun was already setting and it was too late for us to drive across the city to go home, so we simply slept in my car, that I had parked there this morning. I sent a rapid text to Claude, letting him know I'd not come home tonight since I needed to finish some work.

The next morning I woke up in José's arms. He held me tight against him and I started panicking a little, we weren't clothed ! But he didn't seem to mind, he just stroked across my stomach, ruffling through the thick hair growing there. This seemed to calm me a little as I turned around and to him in my arms too, resting my head on his. Our legs entangled and we fell asleep again for another hour.

When we woke up again we rapidly changed for work, my body was stretching the pants and the shirt but I didn't mind showing off. In fact I found it quite exciting as I chuckled dumbly. José started to explain to me what needed to be done today and I answered in a lacking french, some Spanish words finding their way in my speech.

As we were trimming hedges big beads of sweat started appearing on my darkening skin, I was now properly tan, as my hair changed from brown to thick black strands. More hair covered my arms, and my legs, making me progressively look more and more like José, except that I was still ten years younger than him. I wanted to let Claude know that I was coming home early today as we had been particularly fast with work today, but then I thought about surprising him with some fresh flowers from the florist around the corner. José told me he wanted to finish watering the flowers we planted yesterday, and told me to go home before him since he didn't need more help. Thanking him, I took my car and drove back home.

The apartment I opened wasn't the one I knew. It was more messy but bigger, tools were lying around here and there, while fresh clothes were strung all around our apartment. I went straight to the bathroom and took a shower first, Claude didn't seem to be home so I then made myself a fast microwave dinner before dropping down In front of the TV. Everything was in Spanish, I had a hard time understanding what all the different characters were saying, but it became more clearer as time went by, I could grasp more and more words and even found myself laughing my ass off at the different jokes that were being made. Soon José came home, kissing me on the lips before going to take a shower. Wait ? Where was Claude ?! I took out my phone and wanted to write to him but it suddenly got smaller and smaller before folding in on itself and becoming one of these older Nokias !

I started to panic as I tried to find his number in the smaller phone ! I couldn't find it anywhere ! I tried to explain the situation to José but he just told me to stop trying to speak French, and that I should stick to Spanish, he couldn't understand a bit ! Not knowing what to do, I lay myself on the couch before rapidly falling asleep.

The next morning I woke up next to my fiancée. Wait, no ! I'm supposed the be with Claude ! I went out of bed but stumbled as my body had changed again overnight. My legs were thick as tree stumps, my arms and biceps had swollen again. I had developed a slight belly too, hiding my abs under a slight layer of fat ! Looking in the mirror revealed an older face, like I had aged ten years during my sleep ! I need to find Claude's phone before the day is over !

I first started to look for our old place, but instead of finding Claude's apartment there was an old lady living there, telling me the last tenant had moved in with his rich boyfriend three years ago ! That's when I remembered the wedding !

I went to my car, speeding to the property we had last worked on, not noticing my vehicle becoming bigger, whiter, transforming into a big van. When I arrived back at the villa I saw Claude holding hands with another man ! I tried to cross the gate but they couldn't understand me ! They didn't even want to let me through ! I need to get to my employers phone before the timer reaches 0 ! I don't want to be stuck as a gardener !

Sequel from @gkutfdvnn to https://www.tumblr.com/octuscle/721304900555915264/my-french-roommate-is-going-through-a-tough?source=share

Whew! This is by far the longest request I've ever received…. And accordingly, it took a bit longer to process. But I'm afraid I can't do much more here either. Claude is as good as married. And José and you, you love each other. I must also say that the result of your transformation is pretty cool. Hermano, ¡te ves bien!

I just changed a few little things on you so that you and José can have a lot of fun.

José is a really good catch! Hermano, hold on to this one as best you can. But since you've been working out more and taking care of your diet, that shouldn't be a problem. Nobody can get out of your arms so easily…

And what you can't do with your arms, you can do with your smile. I admit, this was probably all planned quite differently. But make the best of it. You are an even more beautiful couple than Claude and you were.

#male tf #muscle tf #reality change #chronivac #tank top #race change #male transformation

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letraspal · 1 year

Text

Simon Snow journey to queerness

A compilation of quotes of Simon Snow thinking/talking about his queerness through books.

Book 1: Carry On

He’s not a villain. He’s just a boy. I’m kissing a boy. I’m kissing Baz.

And then I think about whether this, what’s happening right now, means that I’m gay. But Baz and I are hidden in the trees, and no one can see us, and I decide I don’t have to answer that last question right now.

I wonder how long he’s wanted this. I wonder how long I’ve wanted it.

I’m not sure why I’m so happy. Nothing’s changed. Has anything changed? The kissing. That’s new. The waiting to kiss.

I want to kiss a bloke. That is a change, but no one I’m prepared to think about right now. …Again. I want to kiss him again.

“Why, then” he asks. / “Why did I kiss you?”/ “Yeah.” / “I guess I wanted to,” I say, shrugging. / “Since when?” / I shrug again, and it pisses him off.

“I didn’t think you were gay,” I say. Quietly. He shrugs. Half of Snow’s sentences are shrugs.“What does that mean?” / “I don’t know,” he says, closing his eyes. “I guess I’ve never thought much about what I am. I’ve got a lot on my plate.” That makes me laugh.

“Are you gay?” he asks, looking over at me, still laughing. / “Yeah,” I say, “completely.” / “So you do this all the time?” / I roll my eyes. “No.” / “Then how do you know you’re gay?” / “I just do. How do you not know?” / “Dunno,” he says.

But apparently, I can also solve things with my mouth—because, so far, every time I lean into Baz, he shuts up and closes his eyes. If Penelope were here, she’d make me explain myself. Thank magic she isn’t here yet.

What would Agatha say if she knew about the kissing? “You’re not even gay, Simon.” […] “you’re not even gay,” she’d say, “and he’s not even alive.”

“You’re not even gay, and he’s not even alive, and that isn’t even the worst part of this idea—what will the Mage say?”

“And I don’t think I’m gay,” I say. “I mean, maybe I am, at least partly, the part that seems to be demanding the most attention right now…”

He leans in like he’s going to bite me, then he kisses me instead. It’s so good. It’s been very good every time.

“We don’t have to do this” […] “No one has to know.” / “Know what?” Snow asked softly. “That I’m obsessed with you? That horse left the barn a long time ago”

“They’ll know,” I (Baz) say. “They’ll talk about it.” / “What?” He’s a million miles away. He’s always a million miles away lately. / “They’ll know that we’re gay.” / “There go my job prospects,” Simon says flatly. “What will my family say?” I’m not sure where the joke is.

“Baz, you’re actually, literally the only thing I have to lose. So as long as doing gay stuff in public doesn’t make you hate me, I don’t really care.” / “We’re just dancing,” I say. “That’s hardly gay stuff.” / “Dancing’s well gay,” he says. “Even when it isn’t two blokes.”

He will call me Simon now, occasionally, but only when we’re being soft with each other. (All that’s still happening, too. I suppose I am gay; my therapist says it’s not even the top five things I have to sort out right now.)

And sometimes I feel like someone else died, like someone else sacrificed everything, so that I can have a normal life. With wings. And a tail. And vampires. And magicians. And a boy in my arms, instead of a girl. And a happy ending—even if isn’t the ending I ever would have dreamt for myself, or hoped for. A chance.

#Simon’s journey to queerness is very personal to me #Simon snow journey to queerness #carry on quotes #snowbaz #references #quotes #simon snow #baz pitch #fanart #letraspal #carry on #book characters

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heeseungsnewwhore · 6 months

Text

Mercy🝮

:Part One:

Pairing: Sunghoon x Sunoo

Rating: 18+, mature scenes ahead

Genre: Angst, Hurt, Comfort

Warning Tags: Dacryphilia, SunSun, BxB, MxM, so it's gay, very gay, crying, lots of crying, Violence, possibly triggering content, mentioned abus!ve relationship, suggested, abus!ve relationship, JayWon established relationship

Summary: After years of pining, Sunghoon finally gets a chance to be with the man he claims as the love of his life. Freshly out of a very toxic relationship, Sunoo runs into the arms of the man he had always wanted to give his heart to. But as old faces and feelings from the past begin to re-emerge in their newly established relationship, the couple begin to question the timing of their hearts...

“I’m ready to go home…”

“Huh? But it hasn’t even been an hour?”

“Do we need to be here any longer..? Everyone is just staring at us…”

The shorter male chuckles. “Sunghoon-ah…It’s just because they don’t know you yet.” He says with a cheery grin before he’s wrapping himself around the others arm.

“Well no one has tried to talk to me Sunoo, they’re making me uncomfortable.” Sunghoon sighs before he’s letting Sunoo pull him into the crowd.

“Then we’ll go talk to them instead and if you still feel uncomfy, we’ll leave baby…Just try? For me?” Sunoo stops, now turning around to take the others hand in his, before he’s raising the other one up to caress his cheek.

Sunghoon sighs again, glancing about anxiously, the public display , as minuscule as it was, making him fidget as he felt eyes on them.

“Okay…For you.”

And there’s that smile.

Sunghoon loves that smile.

Sunoo always smiles at him like that…

“Thank you~” Sunoo cheers before giving him a quick peck on the lips and bounding off to a group of people that Sunghoon had only heard of, but never actually met yet.

“Yknow maybe if you weren’t lumbering around like an angry tree…”

Sunghoon rolls his eyes as he hears the familiar voice and looks over to see his friend Jay who approaches with a glass in hand. Watching as Sunoo cheerfully chatted up the group of people he was standing with before gesturing towards Sunghoon.

“Better learn how to smile-“

“Jongssaeng~, do you like your face?” Sunghoon plays in a mockingly cheery tone, Jay immediately looking around as if he heard something.

“Oh? What’s that-? Oh I think I hear Jungwon calling me-“ The younger male now veering off in some other direction as Sunghoon sighs once again before making his way towards Sunoo.

He puts on a smile, shoving his hands into the pockets of his coat as he approaches the crowd. Sunoo, like a magnet immediately coming back to his arm. The taller male tensing up a bit before glancing all about at the people in front of him.

“They think I was joking~ But I told them I wouldn’t joke about that kind of thing- My best friend is my boyfriend now.” Sunoo says so cheerfully and Sunghoon’s heart does a dangerous thing.

“Mmn, the man looks like he’s being held hostage Sunoo- Let him have some space!” One of Sunoo’s female friends chastised him but he only stuck his tongue out at her.

“Ah, he’s always been like this- He just gets really clingy when he drinks I don’t mind. At least he’s not wandering off.” Sunghoon says before he’s looking down at the other male who’s pouting up at him.

“Hey, I don’t wander off!”

“Well I’m not taking any chances now am I?” Sunghoon says before he’s ruffling the others hair gently.

The woman ahead of them chuckling before one of the males speak.

“So how did you end up dating? You must’ve been waiting for a chance right?”

“I-I…”

“Dude-“ The Woman nudges the man in the ribs.

“What!? I’m saying that it’s a good thing! Sunoo’s ex was garbage, I’m glad it’s a friend. You should be relieved too…” He says giving the woman a dirty look and she rolls her eyes before sipping on her drink again.

Sunghoon sighs. “Well, it was something like that I guess…Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom. Don’t- let him go off anywhere?” Sunghoon says to Sunoo’s friends, before he’s off to the restrooms.

Sunoo of course trying to bicker at him that he didn’t need to be babysat, and the two friends of his bickering about how Sunghoon ended up uncomfortable.

But the man wasn’t wrong…Sunghoon took his chance.

About a month ago

Sunghoon was lazing about in his kitchen. Boredom taking over the atmosphere as he was finishing up the dishes with little enthusiasm. Jay had come over for dinner and to hang out for a little while, and had left only moments ago. Sunghoon was now cleaning up before he got ready for bed. They had had a few drinks so he was already sleepy enough.

But it’s suddenly that he’s hearing soft banging on his door. He pauses at the sink, listening again…And there it was. He leaned to have a view of his front door wondering who it could’ve been. Jay had a key, so no reason to be banging on his door.

There it was again, but this time much louder.

“Sunghoon-ah?! Sunghoon!? Please!”

Sunghoon knew that voice all too well, and quickly made his way to the door. Practically snatching it open, as he was now met with Sunoo. Soaking wet from the rain, hugging himself and sobbing. Sunoo doesn’t say anything , just throwing himself into the others arms. Sunghoon not hesitating at all in taking the other in his arms as he quickly begins to look him over.

“Sunoo!? What the Hell, what are you doing-? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Sunoo shakes his head as he sniffles, tears still running down his face as he looked up at his friend. He had been crying for a while. Eyes red and puffy, his nose was red. His hands gripping at the fabric of Sunghoon’s shirt for dear life and it’s in that moment, Sunghoon’s heart decides now is the time to start trying to catapult out of his chest.

“S-sunoo-“ Sunghoon cups The others cheeks. “Tell me what happened-“

“He kicked me out! He threw me out, and he wouldn’t let me get my things, he has my phone, my clothes everything!”

“Su-“

“I don’t want to go back! I just want my things! Don’t make me go back!” Sunoo is burying his face in the others chest again, sobbing into him.

“Sunoo- Did he hurt you?” Sunghoon asks and Sunoo takes too long to answer, the larger male pulling him away from his body and asking again. More stern this time.

“No! No he just locked me out…I-I couldn’t call because he has my phone, so I had to walk…”

Sunghoon couldn’t help but frown- That expression soon turning into a grimace.

“Let’s get you into some dry clothes, go find something of mine.” Sunghoon gestures towards his bedroom, before grabbing his coat, and his keys.

“W-wait where are you going?”

“To get your stuff.”

“Wait-!”

“I’m calling Jay he’ll be here in a few minutes, I’ll be back.” Sunghoon says quickly, going out the door, phone at his ear as he rushes to his car.

‘Hello..?’

“Can you swing by my place real quick?”

‘What-? What’s going on, are you okay?’

“I need you to sit with Sunoo until I get back okay? I gotta go get his things.”

‘What!? What are you-‘

Sunghoon hangs up before Jay can even finish speaking but he knows he’ll come through. Jay might have been on his ass for an explanation later, but if he could tell it was urgent, he knew to ask questions later. Sunghoon also DIDNT want to leave Sunoo alone and he was pretty sure the other male didn’t want to be alone.

It’s about a ten minute drive to the housing complex that Sunoo had lived in with his boyfriend. But with the way Sunghoon was driving, in the rain even, it took him about half the time. He parked across the way where he could see the house within walking distance. One car in the driveway, so obviously he was still home. Sunghoon turns his car off, shoves his keys in his pocket, and climbs out of his car. Practically storming for the front door.

Sunghoon knocks on the door, rather harshly, and there’s no response. He does it again, this time banging on the door. Constantly. Starting a whole rhythm under the pounding rain.

“I told you to-!”

The door suddenly swings open, the man’s words catching in his throat as he sees Sunghoon. Sunghoon not wasting any time as he barges in, inviting himself into the man’s home. Though it’s not as if Sunghoon hasn’t been here before.

“What the Hell are you doing!?”

“I’m here to get his things.”

Sunghoon says simply as he turns to face the man now. Watching a snide smirk play at his lips. Sunghoon really just wanted to punch it right off.

“Go get them, I don’t want any of it.” The man slurs, now shuffling over to throw himself onto his couch.

Sunghoon can’t help but glare. It’s then that he notices the state of the house. The alcohol, the stench of it. The living room was a mess, as was the kitchen. There’s no telling what the other rooms looked like. He then storms in the hallway, going into the bedroom, to see that it was trashed as well. Almost the entire house was a mess. It’s then that Sunghoon is balling his fist. He knows what he came for but the aftermath of whatever had happened didn’t look like things played out too well at all. The house was a mess yet Sunoo said that the man didn’t hit him or anything. After seeing the place Sunghoon found that to be less likely.

He tries to focus on the task at hand, going over to the closet and practically snatching it open. Seeing a couple of suitcases, he grabbed the biggest one, tossing it onto the bed. He starts gathering Sunoo’s clothes. He’s familiar with all the things that are his of course. His clothes, his jewelry, even his cologne and any trinkets that he was sure were Sunoo’s . It wasn’t a difficult task for him. The only thing that made it difficult is that most of these things weren’t where they were supposed to be. It only made it harder for him to contain the discomfort he was holding towards the other.

After he was done stuffing the suitcase, putting any other smaller objects in his pocket, he made his way out of the bedroom. He was almost out the door before he finally remembered something important.

Sunoo’s phone.

He puts the suitcase down by the door, now turning to the drunken male on the couch.

“Where’s his phone?” Sunghoon asks simply, and the man seems to have already passed out. Getting frustrated he walks over to the other, kicking at his feet. “Hey! Wake up! Asshole…” he mutters the curse as the man finally comes to.

“What, What..?”

“Sunoo’s phone? Where is it?”

The man shuffles around a bit on the couch, before he’s finally pulling Sunoo’s phone out of the sofa. Tossing it across the floor at the other. Sunghoon grimacing as he picks it up, now shoving it in his pocket. He then turns to go out the door…But doesn’t. Instead he goes back over to the couch, squatting to the man’s level. Grabbing a handful of his hair and forcing him to pay attention to him.

“Ow! Hey what the fuck!” He hissed, taking drunken swings at the other at Sunghoon can’t believe how pathetic the man ended up seemingly over a day.

“Shut up and listen- Because if I ever see you again. If you ever touch him again…You’ll regret it. Do you understand? Yeah?” Sunghoon forces the other man’s head to nod as he has a painful grip on his hair, the other repeating his words through a hiss of pain. “Good, good.”

With that, Sunghoon shoves the others head away from him as he lets go of his hair. Now making his way back to the door, and picking up the suitcase.

“Did he tell you why I threw him out? Huh?! Did you even ask!? Or did he play the victim? Tsh…Go ahead and keep him…You can deal with it now.”

Sunghoon shakes his head with a sigh. He couldn’t begin to be the least amount of worried about whatever the man was babbling on about and makes his way out the door. Putting the suitcase in the trunk and driving right back to his house. He couldn’t help but continue seething on the short drive. His phone was going off, buzzing from worried messages filling his phone from Jay. But he could tell that some of the messages were from Sunoo himself. It wasn’t long before he was walking back into his own home, dragging the suitcase along behind him. As he drags himself in, he sees Jay on the couch comforting a still teary eyed Sunoo- both of their eyes now on him.

“Hey…” He says simply as Sunoo is now running over to the other and wrapping his arms around him. Sunghoon of course hugs him back. “I grabbed everything I could…The place was a mess but…I tried…”

“You didn’t even have to do all of that…Thank you Sunghoon.” Sunoo looks up to the other with a teary smile, and even then, in that moment, Sunghoon really wished he could have kissed him. But it’s then that Sunghoon notices the little bandage on the others cheek. Now raising a thumb to gently rub over it.

“What the hell is this?” Sunghoon asks, looking right up at Jay who is now getting up from the couch.

“Sunghoon-” Sunoo starts and the taller gives him such a stern look, Sunoo can only pout, knowing better than to make another excuse.

“Apparently, he was throwing things around. Via the mess you saw and- Theres some bruises on his back too.” Jay answers and Sunoo is burying his face into Sunghoon’s chest to cry again.

“I didn’t want you to worry Sunghoon I’m sorry,,, He was just throwing things everywhere and I just wanted to get out…I-I just didn't move fast enough-”

“Sunoo, none of this is your fault, okay?” Jay gently places his hand on the youngers shoulder. “Just stop- Everytime you open your mouth, you’re defending him somehow. Just don’t.”

“Jay is right- And Please, if there’s anything else, you need to tell us…Tell us what happened.”

It’s after that, and another flood of tears that Sunoo sits down between the two and tries his best to explain everything that had happened. Apparently Sunoo’s boyfriend had gotten it into his head that he was cheating. But it was Sunoo himself that found out otherwise. Sunoo’s boyfriend only saying that he cheated because he assumed Sunoo was already cheating- Which was false. What had convinced Sunoo’s boyfriend that Sunoo was cheating, was a drinking party he had gone to. The people that were present there were some mutual friends, as well as Sunoo’s therapist…To which Sunoo had talked alot to about another ‘person’. Another ‘man’...And the way these things were coming from the drunken mouth of Sunoo’s therapist only made things worse for him when his lover- former lover- got home.

Sunghoon sighs as he is balling and unballing his fists and Jay has his head in his hands in a frustrated manner.

“So…He got really mad at me and…That’s when everything else happened.” Sunoo swallows through his broken sobs. “I-I didn’t know where else to go…I-I’m sorry.”

“Don’t…Don’t apologize you could’ve come to either of us.” Jay says as he tried to rub along the others back soothingly, but stops as the younger winces. “S-Sorry.”

It’s then that Jay’s phone begins to buzz and he pulls out only to let out a string of curses under his breath.

Sunoo turns with a sniffle, wiping his eyes with his sleeves as he ponders whats wrong. “What’s wrong?”

“Well- I gotta get back. Jungwon’s awake and he’s worried now.” Jay says with a sigh as he sees all the messages from the other, going to text him back before the other is now calling.

“Hello? Babe- Baby-! It was an emergency! It was- Baby, I’m getting in the car right now. Yes, I’m right down the street. Honey…”

Jay wasn’t exactly yelling at the other over the phone, but more so trying to calm the other down enough to reassure him that he was fine and coming home. He was giving the others silent goodbyes and waving to them as he quickly made his way out of the house, now making way to his car.

Leaving Sunoo and Sunghoon to the silence…

"I'm sorry.." Sunoo's expression has completely fallen again, his eyes beginning to fill with more tears.

Looking up to the other as he tries to force a smile. "He's such an asshole..He shouldn't have to be your problem"

"Sunoo-“ Sunghoon shifts on the couch some, turning his body more towards the other. "If he's making you cry like this, he was going to be my problem anyway-…You're not going back there, okay?"

"I just feel so stupid, I thought things would get better after we moved in and it just got worse, and I have nowhere else to go and I wanna stop crying and I can't and I feel so ugly-“

"I think you're pretty."

Sunoo swallows, looking over to the other man now with a streak of confusion. A mortified look on Sunghoon's face as he realizes what he just said.

"S-Sunghoon.?" He practically hiccups his friends name.

"I'm- That was-" He raises a hand up to drag it down his face in a frustrated manner. Giving a defeated sigh, he's carefully moving his own hands. Taking Sunoo’s in his. Hesitant, at first, almost as if Sunoo's hands were the most delicate things he could hold.

"I think you're pretty when you cry…You're never ugly- Just sucks that this is why you have to cry."

"y-You think that..?" The younger male sniffs, blinking through his tears, bottom lip still quivering slightly. Sunghoon opens his mouth to speak but quickly slams it shut.

Sunghoon can't even bring himself to look at the other anymore. It was already bad enough that he had the most obvious crush on his friend- Jay making a daily reminder to him about it on a regular basis, for whatever annoying fucking reason. But tonight after hearing Sunoo slip up about his therapist and their sessions…It didn’t take much for Jay and even himself, to realize that the other man Sunoo had been mentioning during his session’s…Was Sunghoon himself. Jay having given Sunghoon a certain look during the discussion- Almost as if he had known there was something between them in the first place. But Sunoo was taken. Long spoken for. What could Sunghoon have done?

But now Sunoo was sitting here, on his couch, tear stained, in one of his shirts that fit him just a little too big…Sunghoon didn't know who was more vulnerable in that moment between the two of them and he's only just a man. His mind is reeling on how Sunoo is technically single now and how he just called him pretty, how swollen his lips are, how red and puffy his eyes have gotten, how there's so many stars in his eyes when he's crying, how his hands are really soft, how gorgeous his legs are-

"Sunghoon-ah!?"

Sunghoon jumps being snatched out of his thoughts, Sunoo practically yelling his name.

"S-Sunghoon, are you okay, have you been drinking or something.?"

Sunoo asks and honestly, though he has had a drink or two, those words hurt his feelings. Sunghoon didn't need to be drunk to tell Sunoo how he felt- He just needed time. An opportunity. This was as good as any...The selfish thought of Sunoo getting over his ex and going to someone else gnawing at him. He doesn't want Sunoo to go anywhere else. He wants him here. Like this. These soft hands. Those swollen lips. Even his broken smile. He wants everything that there is and anything he can fix.

"I'm not drunk Sunoo, and I meant it. You're always pretty...always."

He's rubbing his thumb along the back of the others hands now.

Looking down to the delicate fingers for a moment before their eyes finally meet again. "And when your cry, it's just…” Sunghoon let's out another sigh, watching as another tear runs down flushed cheeks and he can't shake the thought away anymore.

He couldn't ask for it.

He didn't even really think about it.

His body moved on its own.

Cupping the others face in both hands now, he closes in the space between them with a kiss. Catching the poor man off guard as he steals his lips. Chasing after the shy, plump folds that slowly started to reciprocate. Sunoo's hands coming up to brace on the others wrists.

Sunoo is Kissing him back.

He's really kissing him.

And Sunghoon can feel the fireworks going off in his chest. Deepening the kiss much further as he glides his tongue past the others lips with such ease and the little noise that comes from him makes his heart turn flips. Sunoo is trying to say something- His name. Muffling it out into the kiss before Sunghoon is finally pulling away to let him catch his breath.

"Just go out with me instead…”

"Wh-what?"

"Move in with me even-"

"Sunghoon!?"

"Your things are already here! Just stay the night...Think about it…..Give me a chance...I'd even beg." His last words are almost a whisper, but Sunoo hears them.

He moves his hands to cup the others cheeks, now bringing his forehead to rest against his. Closing his eyes, before there’s finally a faint smile at his lips.

“Why couldn’t you come out with it before..?”

“Huh..?”

There’s a weak chuckle coming from Sunoo before he’s tilting his head bit, now bringing himself closer to the other. Much closer. So much that Sunghoon is now cradling the other in his lap. Sunoo now comfortably nuzzling himself down into the others embrace. Already, he felt so safe. Warm.

“This is going to sound really bad, Sunghoon…Please don’t judge.” The younger whispers. Head now resting on Sunghoon’s shoulder, a hand playing in the man’s hair.

“I won’t judge you. I promise…What’s wrong?”

“Well…” Sunoo sighs. “I always knew you kinda liked me…Always.” He starts and he can see the defeated look in the others expression an he chuckles. Sniffling before he speaks again. “I liked you too, though…But- whenever I tried…You always seemed to pull away…Like you didn’t want me.”

Sunghoon can hear the others words waver a little at the end. Holding him even tighter as he now turns his head to pepper soft kisses at the youngers jaw. “I’m sorry Sunoo…I didn’t want to ruin what we had…As friends…It was stupid…”

Sunoo shakes his head slightly as he sniffles. “It hurt a little…I should’ve just come out and said something to you…But I was afraid of you turning me down…So I thought maybe if I made it obvious enough…He'll come to me.”

“I’m sorry-”

“No-No don’t be.” Sunoo is now moving to cup the other’s cheeks, holding his face so that the two are now peering into each other's eyes. “I have you now…Right…? I-If I stay for a bit…C-Can we try? I mean- give it a little time? See what happens?”

It was just from those words that Sunghoon couldn’t help the smile that graced his lips. Just the thought of a chance between them and he was beyond happy. It’s seeing that smile though, that Sunoo had his answer, and he was meeting the other in a sweet kiss…

The moment their lips had touched in the first place, they both had their minds made up.

Present Day…

Splashing some more water on his face before peering into the mirror, Sunghoon regains his grip back on reality. Pulling himself from thoughts of the past, and back to the present. He was sure he had already taken too long in the bathroom and needed to get back to the crowd. But ever since he had arrived to the party, things had felt, uneasy.

He just had a feeling…

A feeling like he shouldn’t be there.

He just wanted to take Sunoo and go home.

But he promised the other he would come…After a month of sorting themselves out, they decided to call things official, and all of his friends were more than excited to meet the Sunghoon that they had always heard so much about. Apparently Sunghoon had been the topic of many conversations even long before they were dating.

But he shakes it off. Letting out another sigh before returning to the crowd. He sees Sunoo is right where he left him. With his little crowd of friends.

“Hoon! There you are, I thought you fell down the drain!” Sunoo teases, almost in a tone as if scolding the other for taking too long. But he brightens the other up with a smile almost immediately after, before he’s hugging his arm again.

“Hey man- If what I said earlier was weird, or out of line, I’m sorry. I’ve just had a lot to drink tonight.” The male admits and Sunghoon shakes his head, signaling it’s okay.

“You weren’t wrong. It just wasn’t the opportunity I would’ve wanted. I could’ve waited longer if it had meant for things to go differently…I think about it going differently all the time but- Well we’re here now and that’s all that matters.” Sunghoon suddenly admits and Sunoo is looking up to the other with the most awestruck expression.

“I didn’t know you still thought about it so much…It feels so long ago to me now. Would you really have been waiting for me, Sunghoon?” The younger one has drunken stars in his eyes and Sunghoon smiles, forgetting about the couple of friends in front of them for a moment.

“Of course I would…This is something I’ve wanted for a long time.”

Sunoo can feel happy little tears stinging his eyes, and he hides them as he pulls the other down into a kiss. Sunghoon’s hands coming to the other's waist, as Sunoo’s smaller ones are now cupping his face. Just a sweet trading of lips. A brief little moment that said so much more. The two slowly pull away with soft smiles, a slight flush at Sunoo’s cheeks.

“Oh! Oh my!”

It’s then hearing the female in front of them that Sunghoon scolds himself and Sunoo can only giggle.

“No, no! You two are so cute! Ugh, Sunoo he’s perfect, you should’ve started dating your friends a long time ago!” She chimes. A tearful smile on her face before she fans at the man that was with her, now shoving past him. “Move I have to go fix my makeup! Oh gosh you two-!”

“I’m gonna make sure she wanders into the right bathroom this time.” The man laughs as he now follows after the girl. Giving Sughoon a proper goodbye in case they didn’t see each other for the rest of the night.

After that, the two mean were practically inseparable. Sunoo was happily hanging off of Sunghoon in front of all of his friends, and it even put Jungwon in a romantic mood. Prompting him to be just as clingy with Jay. Not that he already wasn’t, but he was more drunk off the atmosphere rather than the alcohol. Whispering little promises and taunts in Jay’s ear all night just to tug at his composure. Meanwhile Sunoo and Sunghoon had seemed like the sweetest couple at the party tonight.

“Y’know, I’ve never seen anyone actually dance here…” Jay sighs as he’s pour another shot for himself, and the other three men.

“It is good dance music, just going to waste.” Jungwon sighs, fiddling with the small glass before bringing it to his lips.

Sunoo hums as Jay pushes his glass over to him. Sunghoon and his friend downing their shots together. “It doesn’t have to be a waste.” The younger says before hopping up from his seat.

The three watch him wondering where he could possibly be running off to- And then they realize- He’s sauntered straight over to Heeseung. Who was glued to the couch with a girl on either side of him, both of the females seemingly contesting for his lap.

“Heeseeeeung~ Can I have your phone?” Sunoo sings, Heeseung too engrossed in his conversation with the girls, doesn’t even bother to ask what he wants it for, and hands it over.

Sunoo now having complete control over the playlist. Changing the vibe, ande the volume, and it’s noticeable. Especially with the way he begins dancing through the crowd, tugging at a few others clothes, pulling them to the center with him. Eventually bumping into his female friend who was more than happy to join him. The younger male making his way all the way back to Sunghoon and his friends, the biggest smile on his face.

“We can dance now!” He cheers, clapping for himself.

“You literally just grinded on half the household…” Jay says with a dumbfounded look on his face, Sunghoon having covered his eyes.

“Is it safe to look yet?” The older whines and Sunoo playfully slaps his boyfriends arm in response.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I'm going to dance.” Jungwon says with an innocent smile before Jay looks him up and down.

“If you’re dancing, then I’m dancing? Duh.”

Jungwon can't help but laugh at the way his boyfriend responds, before Jay is taking his hand himself, and guiding them out onto the floor. Now there’s just Sunghoon. Sunoo’s pleading eyes gazing up at the other, as he bites his lip. Taking the larger hands in his and slowly stepping back into the dancing crowd. Slowly but surely, Sunghoon follows him in. If the two hadn’t appeared inseparable already, they definitely were that way now. Sunoo kept his body as close as he possibly could to the others. His arms around the taller’s shoulders, Sunghoon’s around his waist in response. Their foreheads touching, and if you had to look twice you’d say they were kissing. A few times they were. Until it inevitably turned into nothing but an entire makeout session in the drunken crowd of their friends.

And from there, the night carried on…The atmosphere had shifted to a much more lively setting for the next handful of hours, and Jay and Sunghoon were making sure to keep an eye on Jungwon and Sunoo who wanted to have a few more drinks before going home. No more for themselves of course, because they were the ones that would be driving them home.

“Mmmmmm I had so much fun let’s do it again tomorrow…” Sunoo groans, body completely limp against Sunghoon’s as the four of them were piled on the couch. Sunoo and Jungwon sitting between him and Jay. The two younger males obviously needing to be tucked in.

“Hey guys! Sorry I was- Well…”

They look up to see Heeseung jogging down his stairs, in the process of throwing his shirt back on and a sheepish smile on his lips.

“Wow, never seen him blush like that before. They must've been fun?” Jay says with a suggestive smile, before giving him the eyebrows as well. Heeseung silently mouthing an ‘oh yeah’ before squeezing himself onto the couch next to him. Only way that ended up working out was Jay shuffling over and having to surrender his lap to Jungwon.

“Everyone else is already going home, but we didn’t want to leave without saying bye.” Jungwon admits with a sleepy smile as he readjusts in Jay’ s lap. Turning himself a bit more so that he can face Heeseung.

A few of the boys had work in the morning but not all of them. Of course that had included Heeseung so he more or less had to make sure that the house was clear of anymore guests, before seeing his friends out. Heeseung had lived in a pretty nice condominium so it took some time and a bit of elevator sharing for everyone to make their way down to the parking lot. Of course as they got there, one of the males realized he still had something on him that didn’t quite belong to him…

“Oh no! Awh, man…” Sunoo whined as he looks down to the phone in his hands. Sunghoon stopping, gently taking ahold of the others shoulders, trying to figure what’s wrong.

“Hm? Baby, what is it? Sunoo?”

Sunoo laughs nervously before slapping himself in the forehead. “I still have Heeseung’s phone! And he’s all the way back up theeeeere!”

Sunoo is now looking up at Sunghoon with those eyes. Those starry brown hues that he just can’t deny. With a soft sigh and smile, Sunghoon takes the phone from the younger.

“I’ll take it up to him. You just go to the car and warm up.” He then slides his keys into Sunoo’s pocket as he leans in to steal a kiss, before jogginh his way back into the lobby.

Sunoo smiles as he watches the other head off, now looking down to the keys in his hand. It’s then that he hears a car horn and looks up to see Jay and Jungwon waving to him before getting into their car. He wavded them of as well before finally starting to Sunghoon’s car. But his short walk across the lot was soon interrupted…

He looks around as he hears his name.

But he’s not sure where it’s coming from…

Then he hears his name again and his eyes finally land on a familiar man.

No…Not a man he wants to see at all.

But as the man sees he has Sunoo's attention, he’s smiling and jogging in his direction.

“No…No, no, no, no-” Sunoo turns quickly and begins to chant as he moves quicker. Everytime he hears his name from the man’s voice he tries to move faster but his feet fail him.

That and there was a hand gripping his wrist, tugging him back slightly to stop him from going forward anymore.

“Sunoo, wait-“ As the man grabs the younger’s arm now, Sunoo is automatically flinching. The older male seeing the effect his grip had on him, he loosens it and takes a step away. “I-I’m sorry…I just want to talk…I want to…Apologize. That’s all. If you’ll-“

Before the man could finish speaking, there was a larger figure emerging between the two. A fist coming through to put the other man on the ground. Sunoo gasping as he took a few steps back, now to see Sunghoon.

“I told you if you ever touched him again…You’d regret it.” He says glaring down at the man, who’s still holding his jaw. Looking up bewildered at the other before looking to Sunoo in shock. “Don’t look at him. Fuck off.”

The man is quickly scurrying up off the ground before quickly running back to his car. Sunghoon simply turning around, grabbing Sunoo by the wrist and leading them back in the direction of his car.

“What was that?!” Sunoo exclaims, following along as Sunghoon drags him.

“A punch.”

“He wasn’t hurting me! Sunghoon! Sunghoon!” Sunoo suddenly stops, tugging against the other. Finally snatching from his grasps causing the male to whip around.

“What-? Are you mad? Are you mad that I hit him?”

Sunoo raises his arms only to drop them at his sides again. “I’m upset that you did something so reckless!”

“Everyone saw him grab you.”

“Yeah and then everyone saw you punch him! You punched him!”

“If you’re so worried about what I did to him now, then you’d be terrified at what I would’ve done back then…” Sunghoon is suddenly in the others face. “Do you know what it was like? Walking into that house? The images in my head, Sunoo?”

“S-Sung…”

“You worry about him every time we see him around…” There’s a look in Sunghoon’s eyes. A mix of anger, pain, and confusion and it reflects in Sunoo’s. The smaller beginning to tear up as silent drops cascade down his cheeks. “And I have to see him around now, happy, healthy, untouched after what he did to you. How can you be concerned!? How can you care what I do to him!? He’s garbage, Sunoo! I finally, FINALLY do something to make sure he never comes near you again, and you’re upset!? He’s going to keep chasing you until you talk to him!”

“I-I just don’t want you to get in trouble…” His voice is barely there and it’s when Sunghoon sees it…The hint of fear in the others eyes. “I-I don’t want you to fight…I don’t want to see you all beat up and angry like that…That’s not my Sunghoon…” Sunoo shakes his head as his voice begins to waver and even more tears start to fall.

He’s crying.

Really crying now.

Sobbing.

“Don’t be like him! Don’t get so angry that you end up doing stupid things like he did! So angry that you just hurt people because you’re mad! You have me now, okay? I love you now. I loved him once but...Some people just don't fit…S-Sunghoon- I’m yours...Okay?” Sunoo’s shaky hands are now holding Sunghoon’s and the taller man can’t help but notice the eyes around them. Not only that, but Jay and Jungwon dashing across the parking lot to the two of them.

“You guys alright?!”

“What the Hell is going on?!”

“Sunghoon punched my ex.” Sunoo sniffles, now bringing his hands back to wipe his own tears.

“You punched him?” Jungwon says in disbelief as he glances between the two of them.

“About fucking time…” Jays says under his breath but is immediately getting a look from Jungwon.

“Jay- Don’t.”

“He came up and grabbed Sunoo…He didn’t need to touch him, he had no business touching him.” Sunghoon defends himself and Sunoo gives him another wounded look.

“And you didn’t have to touch him, you could’ve just grabbed me and we could’ve left! Now look-”

“Look at what? All your friends that were just watching? Did I embarrass you? Well I’m sorry Sunoo, next time I won’t interrupt. You must’ve felt so safe just now then, right? Before I came?”

“Sunghoon!” Jungwon is now stepping between the two of them, shoving the older male back some. “Lay off, listen to yourself…He panicked okay, it’s not his fault! Especially when you just come out of nowhere swinging like that…”

“I’m fine. I just wanna go home.”

In tears, Sunoo is shoving past them, moving quickly through the parking lot as he makes his way to Sunghoon’s car. Jungwon giving Sunghoon a worried look before following after Sunoo. Calling the younger’s name but getting no response or acknowledgement. Leaving Jay and Sunghoon to themselves. Jay gave his friend a look of disbelief before rolling his eyes and waving to the other to follow him to his car so they could talk. Sunghoon huffs. Taking his hands through his hair in a frustrated manner before following after Jay.

“Sunghoon…” Jay starts. He’s now sitting behind the wheel of his car and Sunghoon in the passenger seat. From where they were parked, they could see Sunoo and Jungwon’s figures. Having their own conversation a ways from them. “You know you can’t yell at him like that, right..?”

Sunghoon is staring down into his hands. He felt bad for raising his voice at Sunoo like that, yes. He felt bad that he made him cry. But at the same time, he was angry. He was angry that his ex was able to even lay a hand on Sunoo. He felt like he had failed. Like he had broken his promise. He was disgusted. He was angry he couldn’t hit him more. Sunoo was the one that came to his house covered in bruises and yet that man had nothing coming to him? Sunghoon regrets not beating him up that night.

“Sunghoon-”

“I know.” Sunghoon finally huffs out. Now resting his head against the window as he stares out at nothing really. “I know and I’m sorry…”

“Yeah well, I’m not the one you should be apologizing too…That night was horrible for him. I still don't’ think we know everything that was going on between them…That relationship went bad a long time ago but Sunoo was trying so hard…”

“I know…” Sunghoon sighs again, but this time his voice is weaker. “I’d never hurt Sunoo. Never on purpose…I just wanted to protect him. I told him he’d never have to see that guy again, that I’d never let him lay another finger on him…”

Jay could hear the defeated tone in his friends words. The pain even. Sunghoon had waited so long for this moment. The relationship with Sunoo that he had thought would always be a fantasy…It was actually the entire reason his last relationship failed.

“Y’know…When we broke up. I lied.” Jay suddenly speaks. Sunghoon’s brows coming together.

“Pardon?”

Jay can’t help but laugh a bit then. Sunghoon’s head now coming off the window to face his friend.

He sighs. “When I broke up with you Sunghoon…It wasn’t because of Jungwon.” Jay clears his throat again. Finding it difficult to find the next words.

“Jay…”

“No- No, I need to say this.” He takes his hands through his hair. “That lie was totally unfair to you. To make you feel like I left you for someone else.” His own voice is growing a little weaker now. Eyes stinging. “God, I didn’t think I’d be crying over this again.”

“You? Crying over us? Jay- I- Whatever it is, just tell me.”

“I broke up with you-” He starts, silent tears falling from his eyes anyway. “Because I knew you didn’t love me.”

“Th-that’s not true-”

“NOT in that way. I know you love me, I KNEW you loved me then, but not like a lover. When I was with you Sunghoon, all I saw was how much you wanted him. The longing. All of it.” Jay nods, now fiddling with his hands in his lap. “I know how long you’ve been waiting…Years. Years to get to love him, right?” Jay finally looks over to his friend.

It’s then that the two realize the tears in each others eyes and can’t help but laugh at each other.

Just a way to cope.

“Ugh, this is so weird.” Jay groans now roughly wiping the tears from his face. Sunghoon does the same as he hums in agreement.

“We never really talked about it before, wow.” Sunghoon is now looking out to see Jungwon giving Sunoo a comforting hug. The younger still appeared to be crying…

“Yeah…But you get what I’m saying right?” Jay looks to the other again. “I know how much you love him. Maybe more than anyone. But if you hold onto him too tight, he’s gonna slip right through your fingers…You see the way he walked away from you…? He didn’t even storm off on his ex like that…That scared me. It scared ME, Sunghoon…Don’t make yourself the one he has to harden his heart to. He’s been through shit. Don’t drag ‘em through more.”

Sunghoon nods slightly. Gaze still set out on the two figures ahead of them.

Silence filling the car between the two of them…

Until-

“I’m sorry…I’m sorry I did that to you.” More tears are falling from Sunghoon’s eyes.

He couldn’t help but think about all the time he had Jay going through that pain. A whole year. An entire year and even though it all had Sunghoon been that obvious? So much that he blindly went as far as to hurt his friend? He didn’t mean for Jay to be a bandaid or anything of the like. They sorted themselves out…Gave it a chance. Hell, Sunghoon was the one that initiated it…One drunk sleepover turned into a not so one night stand later and the two were happily claiming each other as lovers. But it wasn’t as happily as Sunghoon thought…

“Mm-mm” Jay shakes his head. “Don’t do that. I messed up to- I thought I could replace Sunoo. Dumped you and told you there was someone else…I could’ve been honest. Could’ve done better. We both made a mess.”

“Still-”

“No. I lied.” Jay is wiping his eyes again. “I lied to you Sunghoon. To protect myself. If I told you the truth then, you would’ve been seeing me alot like you’re seeing Sunoo right now.”

Sunghoon slams his head back against the seat with a groan. “How am I NOT supposed to apologize?”

“Because- You made up for it by being my friend, always being my friend. Being there for me, for Jungwon, for both of us? All while having to- Deal with watching Sunoo with…Y’know other guys and not you...”

“I still feel guilty…”

“I know…Back then I would’ve wanted you to.”

“I deserve it.”

“Sunghoon, dude-”

“Jungwon is coming back.”

It’s then that Jay looks up to see that Sunoo is getting into Sunghoon’s car, and Jungwon is coming around to Sunghoon’s door. Opening it up as he reaches the car.

“He’s ready to go home, Hoon. You two should go on and head in, sleep this off.” Jungwon suggests, but it’s then…He notices the state of the other two, giving Jay a questionable look.

“We had the talk- The talk you told me I needed to have? That ‘we’- Needed to have?” Jay admits and Sunghoon is suddenly wearing an alarmed expression aimed at a sighing Jungwon.

“Come talk to me for a minute, Sunghoon…”

As Jungwon steps aside, Sunghoon piles out of the car, shutting the door behind him. Now looking down to the younger male.

“I- Kind of forgave you a long time ago for Jay. He told me why he really broke up with you before we started really dating…And y'know, I hated you for a little bit.”

Sunghoon’s eyes grow wide…Before his gaze falls to the ground. He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t even know if there’s anything for him to say.

“But you and Sunoo have always been something Jay has wanted. He wanted to see you happy still- And we all had to watch you break a little more every time Sunoo went to someone else…But you have him now- Don’t mess it up, okay?” Jungwon is now moving, tilting his head in a way where he’s forcing himself to be under the others' gaze. “Mm? Yeah?” He says offering the other a smile and Sunghoon finally raises his gaze.

“Yeah…Don’t hold on too tight, Jay mentioned that too…”

“We shouldn’t have to tell you this…But he really loves you. Alot. He’s loved you and been waiting for this for a long time too…But he’s– He’s hurting. Still- alot- So you can’t talk to him like that, okay?” Jungwon is shaking his head, tears stinging his eyes. “Don’t, talk to him like that.”

But seeing the tears in Jungwon’s eyes suddenly had Sunghoon confused. Everyone was having their fair share of tears tonight…But what had he and Sunoo talked about? Did Sunoo tell him something that he didn’t know yet?

Sunoo was still hurting?

At that moment, Sunghoon began to feel ashamed. To feel wrong for suddenly assuming that since Sunoo was with him now, all his pain was gone. That wasn’t how Sunoo was feeling at all. That’s how Sunghoon was feeling. Had he really been so selfish all this time?

“Take him home now, Hoon.” Jungwon says before climbing into the passenger seat. Exchanging soft goodbyes with the older before Sunghoon watches the two disappear from the parking lot. He looks ahead now to see Sunoo sitting in his car waiting for him.

Sunghoon was hesitant at first. Shoving his hands in his coat pocket as he takes his time moving across the parking lot. Carrying himself to his car. Sunoo is sitting in the passenger seat. Sniffling, Fiddling with the ends of his sleeves. Shivering. Sunghoon doesn't hesitate at all in blasting the heat after he gets the car started.

“Thank you…” The younger mutters.

“Of course.” Sunghoon’s words are soft. Tone a lot different than what it had been earlier.

Sunoo had noticed the change in his demeanor, now stealing a few glances of the other. It was then that he noticed that Sunghoon had been crying too. He couldn’t help but pout. Did Sunghoon cry because of him? Was he that angry with him? Did what happened hurt Sunghoon that much? Sunoo couldn’t help but begin to guilt trip himself over what could have possibly made Sunghoon cry. It wasn’t often if at all that he’d ever seen Sunghoon cry…Regardless…The drive home was silent.

#enha sunghoon #enha sunoo #enhypen sunghoon #enhypen sunoo #SunSun #SunSun angst #SunSun fluff #JayWon #JayWon enha #MxM #BxB #GayGayGAy #future smut #Enhypen fanfiction #Enha fanfiction

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ingravinoveritas · 3 months

Text

cloud-based-and-rainpilled replied to your post:

Someone mentioned in a comment that Michael got ‘downgraded’ to boyfriend, so my tinfoil (again, could be wrong/insane) is that AL & GT referring to each other as wifey is to downplay the previous MS ‘wife’ jokes, since people keep commenting about a poly thing going on, moreso than the past. Also since MS is in London rn, he’s with DT more, so I think there’s a bit of insecurity going on. a lot of (doomed) poly couples have an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ rule, or think the swinging being gay 'doesn't count/isn't a threat,' which could be why the posts feel forced. (parasocial, creepy, bad person, etc., whatever, I calls it as I sees it and have seen it before 🤷‍♀️ )

lepqueen replied to your post:

My biggest question on this was actually about the song choice, given that I am reasonably sure Sting said at some point Every Breath You Take is a stalker song.

@cloud-based-and-rainpilled I had a similar thought about the insecurity. I think Georgia and AL trying so hard to give the appearance of everything being "fine" and everyone getting along only makes it feel more like things in reality are not exactly what's being presented on social media. I personally did not see "boyfriend" as a downgrade (because from my perspective, "other wife" reads as more jokey/unserious, but boyfriend is...softer, somehow), but I can see why some folks could interpret it as a downgrade when it's actually a readjusting of whatever the dynamic is between all of them.

Going back to the insecurity, I had also wondered how things would play out while Michael was in London for such a long time during the run of Nye, and it makes all the sense in the world that things would change with Michael and David being able to see each other in person frequently. And you make a salient point about the gay swinging being seen as less threatening (which I think is why it's been easy for Georgia and AL to start up with that, and why we have never seen even one reference to David/Anna or Michael/Georgia and swinging). It could be that shipping Michael and David was also seen as less threatening and easier to play along with a few years ago, when it was all still new and Michael and David hadn't gotten as close as they have now. So yes, I do think something has changed, and though we may never be privy to what specifically, we can still see its aftereffects and reverberations in a variety of ways.

(I also wish the antis/people making vitriolic posts in the tags would understand your final point, which is that some of us have seen these things before and are speaking from a place of experience--unlike their assertions (and I have actually seen someone say this) that we have never had any close friendships or relationships like these, and therefore know nothing.)

To your comment, @lepqueen, I also found myself raising an eyebrow at the song choice. You are correct that Sting has described the song as being creepy, and I found one quote from him in particular attesting to this:

I'm not really sure how this fits into the context of AL's post, though, or what made her choose it. Is the David pillow watching her every move? Is she watching the pillow? I have no idea. But that was certainly a choice, so there you go...

#cloud-based-and-rainpilled #lepqueen #reply post #michael sheen #welsh seduction machine #david tennant #soft scottish hipster gigolo #i'm sorry but if this was a man and a woman there is no earthly way their relationship would be described as 'platonic'#truth disguised as a joke #there are different kinds of love in different poly relationships #but i can see where things could go south very quickly #choices #not all of them good #but i will leave it to my followers to make up their own minds #thoughts #discourse

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davilasinfiltro · 25 days

Text

Badboyhalo gets advice from Reddit

Bad panics after Skeppy releases Best Friend and decides to ask for relationship advice on Reddit because he doesn’t know who else to turn to

979 words

r/relationship_advice u/throwaway132166922

My (M29) best friend (M23) made a song about me and I don’t know how to feel about it.

I don’t even know why I’m doing this. I’m so paranoid about anyone finding out who I am but I frequent this subreddit a lot and can't find anyone who is in the same situation as me. I also don’t know who I can even talk to about this since we have a lot of mutual friends. If this gets too much traction I’m deleting it quickly, here goes nothing >_<

Here’s the context, me and my friend have known each other online for a while and have been friends for around 4 years (my friends poke fun that we have our ‘anniversary’ memorized but I digress.) We’ve half heartedly been making plans to meetup for the past few years. What can I say? I don’t like leaving the house and never really had the urge to meet any of my online friends. I’d argue that you could have a meaningful relationship with someone and never meet them irl. Anyways, I never took these conversations too seriously. I would always say I’m not ready yet, it’s too close to the holidays, who’s going to take care of my dog? The one time we did have concrete plans I was sick with covid and I had a long recovery. And we just never followed up with a reschedule.

I never knew how much this affected my friend until he wrote this sort of… rap and produced it with one of our mutual friends. He insults me, saying I have a massive ego, I’m a psycho, it’s my fault I made him ‘feel blue,’ and immediately backtracks and compliments me. There’s another lyric that says I’m pushing him away and if I’m hiding something? This part I have to quote verbatim because it’s the part I understand the least,

“I can’t really say my true intentions

It’s all just miscommunication

Please don’t take it the wrong way

I love you dude and I hope we’re okay”

And that’s how it ends. Meanwhile, I had no clue my friend was having this type of conflicting feelings about me. Or how much us meeting up meant to him. Yeah maybe we’d go from talking every day to messaging each other only semi frequently but that’s just the evolution of a friendship right? We were both getting busier as our respective careers became more time-consuming but that’s nobody’s fault, is it? I know I should apologize to him for never taking his requests for us to meetup too seriously but I think there’s something else under the surface.

Does he want to confess to me? I keep going back to that lyric, “I can’t really say my true intentions.” He’s pretty much ripped his heart out on this song but there’s /one/ thing he can’t say to me? Does it have to do with him wanting to preserve our friendship, that it’ll be strained in some way if he confesses? I don’t know what gives him that impression, a lot of our friends are lgbt+. Heck, a lot of them make jokes that we like each other already. Anyways, there shouldn’t be anything deterring him from confessing if that’s what he is trying to do. Or not trying to do.

Any advice is appreciated. I still haven’t said anything to him directly since he made that song.

u/amycat1203

Whatever you two have going on is gayer than any gay person I know irl

-> Reply u/throwaway132166922

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that -_-

u/justadudelmao

This is too outrageous to be fake, so I’m trying to take this seriously. It sounds like y’all have some shit to talk out in person. If the next message you send him isn’t a confirmation for a plane ticket you’re the problem

-> Reply u/throwaway132166922

If I travel to him it won’t be by plane, I have a phobia. But you’re right :/ I need to make it up to him soon if this is how he feels about us not meeting up

u/matchmakingismypassion

Maybe he has reason to believe you wouldn’t want him to confess to you. How do you react to the jokes your friends make about you together? Do you even reciprocate any possible romantic feelings to him?

->Reply u/throwaway132166922

It’s complicated, early on in our friendship he’d flirt with me as a troll and I’d always politely turn him down. I’ve known about him for so long, even before he was 18. I wasn’t comfortable indulging in this kind of joke. So even if he was 19 when he made these comments, he felt too young for me. He grew out of it and eventually we were inseparable as best friends, to the point that our mutual friends would tease us. Both of us would casually deny anything to our friends but honestly, I wouldn’t mind dating him if he made the first move. But you understand why I can’t make the first move, right?

->Reply u/matchmakingismypassion

To me it sounds like he shouldn’t make the first move either if all he’s ever heard from you is rejection. Especially if you can’t even make the effort to meetup, something he obviously wants from you. He made the song as a plea to start an open dialogue, and that starts with you bud.

u/skephalofan141414

EVERYONE. THIS STORY IS FAKE. This is some guy pretending to be Badboyhalo about the song Skeppy made called “Best Friend” on youtube. You’re a weirdo trying to karma farm off of a story that isn’t yours to tell

->Reply u/thisteaishotaf

Who??? Link please???

->Reply u/skephalofan141414

https://youtu.be/skDch34PtEM?si=Usxbm6LXisq9xWCD

->Reply u/thisteaishotaf

Why the fuck would his friend post this on a minecraft channel LMAO

#skephalo #skephalo fic #I wrote this a while ago I’m surprised it took me this long to post lol #badboyhalo #skeppy

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stevesbipanic · 1 year

Note

so I was thinking about what if eddie is friends with robin before she meets steve. Eddie knows that robin is a lesbian and robin knows he is gay, so they start fake dating to keep people shut (mainly robin's parents). But then steve starts working at scoops ahoy, and when he becomes friends with robin, he also meet eddie, and he feels so guilty and confused for feeling attracted to his friend's bf

I hope this mess make some sense

I can totally see them being friends already. Eddie was for sure a band kid before he quit since it wasn't his kind of music. Plus we know he's a drama kid since that's where the list said he might be and he clearly had access to drama props just look at his throne. Anyway here is an idea of how the rest of your ask could go.

-------------------------------------------------------

Steve felt like shit.

He finally had a friend his age that wasn't an asshole and was actually a good person and he was fucking it up like he fucks up everything. Robin was great, she was funny and didn't take shit from him. Conversations felt easy with her and for a moment he thought he might get a crush on her until, "Who was that you were talking to?"

"Eddie? He's my boyfriend," the answer seemed simple but felt off somehow but Steve brushed it off crushing any embers of a crush on Robin. "Oh cool, you should introduce us next time, how am I supposed to be your work boyfriend if I'm not friends with your real boyfriend." Robin had laughed at that.

Soon Eddie was coming over a lot, cracking jokes with Robin and he got over his distaste for the old King Steve when he was given the Robin Buckley seal of approval. Steve had warmed at that, felt that he was actually improving as a person if Robin and Eddie could see he had changed. Eddie would even visit when it was just Steve on shift, bringing tapes to educate Steve on real music or to steal free samples and cool air away from the summer heat.

Soon though it had all come crashing down. Eddie had started using nicknames for Steve but he had called him sweetheart the last time he visited and Steve had blushed. It had started a spiral for Steve, he didn't understand his emotions and feelings, questioning if he still liked girls, if he'd ever liked girls. But worst of all he felt like he was betraying his new best friend by crushing on her boyfriend. Robin and Eddie deserved their happiness and didn't deserve Steve ruining anything. He hadn't had the chance to talk to Robin about it, to confess his shitty friendness to her before it happened.

Before the Upside Down happened.

Now Steve, sitting in a mall bathroom, bloody and blue, felt so much guilt. Guilt for his feelings for Eddie, guilt that he might never see him again, guilt that he was lying to Robin, guilt that Robin had been dragged into this. Maybe that's why he had practically volunteered himself to be tortured over her. He could keep her safe and if he died she could get out and be happy with Eddie.

Maybe that's why he told her, too much guilt and no filter left.

"You OD over there, Harrington?"

"I'm sorry, Robbie."

"What's wrong, Steve, we're ok, we're going to be ok."

"No, no, I'm sorry you're even in this mess."

"Hey, the kid's right, you die I die ok. You're my best friend, Steve."

"I'm a shit friend, Robs, you deserve better."

"You're not shit, Steve, you saved me."

"Should've died down there, Dad says all us queers should be dead anyway, maybe he's right, you deserve better than me."

Robin was quiet. The bathroom was dead quiet.

Eventually, although it felt like an eternity, Robin pulled herself under the stalls to Steve.

"Steve? Look at me."

Steve slowly looked up at her, ready to hear everything she had to say about how he was disgusting and that he should've died.

"Eddie isn't my boyfriend." That's not what he was expecting to hear.

"W-What?"

"Eddie isn't my boyfriend. He just says he is so that no-one knows that I like girls, only girls."

"Holy shit."

"Holy shit. So no, I'm very glad you're alive, and I'm very glad you're my best friend ok. You die, I die."

Steve started crying now, quiet sobs pulled out from inside him as he fell forward into Robin, holding her tight.

"I don't know what I am, I think I still like girls, I liked Nancy, but, but, there's this guy I really really like, Robbie, and I don't know what that makes me."

"It makes you, Steve, and that's perfectly ok, we'll figure out what you are later. I think the guy you like likes you too, so let's make sure we get out of here to see him again yeah?"

Robin had a knowing smirk and Steve had never felt more seen. He fucked his head blushing again.

Through the blur of the blood and the screams and the glass shattering, Robin and Steve didn't seperate, didn't even seperate when they were sitting in the back of an ambulance as Steve got his head checked out.

"Robin! Steve!"

They both looked up as they heard their names frantically screamed. The paramedic gave them the all clear and let them out, they looked around to see who was calling them. Strong arms crashed into them pulling them towards their body.

"Fuck you're ok."

"Eddie? What're you doing here?"

"What am I doing here! Robin the mall is on fire it's all over the fucking news and I knew you two were on shift since I was coming over later and fuck I thought you were dead, the shop's phone wouldn't pick up and I just, I—"

"We're ok, Ed's. We're ok."

Eddie carefully ran his fingers over Steve's bruised face, the fear still clear in his eyes.

"I can't lose you guys, I can't lose you, Stevie."

"Wowww Eddie not too worried about you girlfriend?" Robin said smirking again.

Eddie's eyes widened, "I um I mean of course I was much more worried about you, babe."

"EW never say that again, don't worry, Eddie, he knows."

"He knows?"

"Mhm turns out dingus here has another thing in common with us."

"Oh."

If Eddie held Steve's hand all the way home, that was between them and Robin, just as it should be.

#stranger things #this got away from me but i love it #ficlet #angst and fluff #stranger things s4 #steve harrington #st4 #eddie munson #robin buckley #stobin #platonic stobin #stranger things season 4 #steddie #worried eddie #unlabelled steve harrington #gay eddie munson #lesbian robin buckley

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 8 months

Note

AITA for calling my dad homophobic?

I (18f) identify as an asexual queer girl, and i live with my parents. My dad (52m) as well as the rest of my family are all devout mormons. surprisingly, my mom (47f) took my coming out fairly well. there was a phase of her telling me we could fix it and a phase of her avoiding the situation altogether, but ultimately she’s grown a lot and has become a huge ally over the past two years since i came out to her.

my dad was a bit more of an issue. he took the coming out with a grain of salt, and has since admitted that he thought i was just trying to be rebellious, and he completely brushed me off when i told him i was leaving the church, telling me and i quote “i don’t care if you leave because i know you’ll come back”, which always irritated me but i brushed it off. he’s also gotten a lot better at being respectful and while he still makes tasteless jokes sometimes, he usually seems to respect my identity and love me for who i am.

flash forward to a few days ago. i get home from work and i end up chatting with my parents as i usually do. the conversation turns to sexuality and my dad mentions how accepting he and my mom are, and i raise my eyebrows and remind him how uncomfortable they were when i first came out. i wasn’t upset at this point, rather just poking holes in his story. i mentioned how awkward he was when i came out as asexual, and my mom (who has found herself to be a bit on the asexual spectrum as well) and i chuckle about it for a second, before my dad defends that he wasn’t weird about it.

i reminded him how he COMPLETELY brushed it off when i first told him, and he told me that it means im not gay. i asked what he meant at the time, and his response was that “i consider the definition of gay to be having sex with someone of the same gender”. my sister was in a serious committed relationship with a man at this point in time, but (being mormon) they hadn’t had sex, so i asked my dad if i had that same level of relationship with a woman, if he would consider it gay, and his response was no. i proceeded to ask him if i married a woman and spent the rest of my life with her, kissing and sharing a bed and everything, would he consider it gay? he kind of scoffed at me and said “well, if you’re sleeping in the same bed, then EVENTUALLY you’re going to have sex”. that really upset me at the time, but he had only just learned about asexuality, so i cut him a break.

flash forward to a few days ago, i bring this up and rather than shrug it off and cringe the way he and my mom had been at other behaviors of theirs, he scowled and began to defend himself. he said that it didn’t make any sense to him, and why should it matter if he thinks that? i pointed out that learning to respect other people even if you don’t understand them is important, and he got a bit huffy. i mentioned the not considering me gay thing, and asked if he still felt that way. i expected a no or some sort of explanation, but instead he said “well if you’re not having sex with another woman then you’re not doing anything wrong.”

that immediately made me upset, and i responded with “are you saying that being gay is wrong?” and my mom jumped in and accused me of twisting his words. i left the room and eventually he came in and gave an awkward apology without really saying anything just before he went to bed (one of those “im sorry you got upset because of what i said” apologies rather than an actual apology), and i reluctantly told him it was fine, but i still don’t feel fine about it. i feel like he’s invalidating my identity and pretending like he did nothing wrong, but i don’t want to confront him about it if i’m actually just making a big deal out of nothing. aita?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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