#like my biggest fear with my degree isnt what id think of myself if i dropped out or failed

[hella1975]

i hate my town i hate the people in it i hate the shame that consumes us all i hate that every failure might as well be posted in the square because everyone knows everyone i hate that my grandparents are here and i hate that my mother came back for them i hate that the kids are dying and no one cares i hate that every good memory has a bad memory right next door like sam's house around the corner from my childhood home i hate the body they pulled from the river i hate the memory of hearing yellow by coldplay at my cousin's funeral because all i could think was that it was too modern for the situation but then he was only seventeen so it makes sense i hate that i was seventeen too and all the boys i knew were there his friends that were supposed to be the tough guys the scary guys i hate that i pretended not to see them sobbing i hate that everything smells of cigarettes here i hate the politics i hate the people i used to love that dont even smile at me on the street i hate that the girl who called me a slut works at my favourite bar i hate every alley and hidden shortcut and i hate that i know them like the back of my hand i hate the same fucking coffee shops i sat in when i was fourteen and scared and now im nineteen and scared and i hate that it's exactly what this town wants i hate that it wants anger i hate that it wants fear i hate that it wants shame i hate that i can give it everything

#thinking about how the two biggest things in my life rn - writing and my degree - are so punctuated by this fucking town #like my biggest fear with my degree isnt what id think of myself if i dropped out or failed #or even what my family would think bc they're nicer to me than i am #it's genuinely the thought of what my hometown lot would say that keeps me up at night #like the thought of my neighbour who told me id never accomplish anything bc my school was shitter than his fancy one #the thought of having to look him in the eye #or the thought of knowing my friends will tell their mums who are still on the PTA with old teachers who thought i was special #like small towns wrap you in this bubble of smallness and it suffocates you and you're so terrified and ashamed of every little mistake #and then my writing GOD i keep thinking about how tbos is probably the best thing ive ever written #and id publish it id genuinely try and get it published #but im just again so scared and ashamed and embarrassed like how do i explain to these assholes that im writing fantasy #and that's not even counting the gay angle bc that's the biggest part #i just am not brave enough for that yet and yeah maybe it's bc im still young but i shouldnt have to be brave to enjoy things to begin with #failure shouldnt require bravery when it's just a fact of life #and i think about if we'd lived in london like my dad wanted us to or if we'd gone to dublin bc my mum loves dublin #or even if we just hadn't come to this fucking town and we'd lived in ANY FUCKING CITY #my dad jokes about how in london he didn't even know his neighbours names and god i just crave that anonymity so fucking much #it's so frustrating and my mum takes it so personally whenever i say i hate the town and my sister says i'll grow out of it just because #she did but i genuinely dont think i will #and maybe that's the creative in me or the queer in me that she just cant relate to but i have always always hated this place #like a guy i have a VERY complicated history with messaged me the other day and we havent talked in TIME #and it was kinda sweet if not awkward just bc of our aforementioned rocky past but one thing he mentioned when i said i was at uni #was that he said really genuinely 'im so happy to hear that; i know you always wanted to get out of [town name]' #like he still remembers that about me even though weve been friends since we were 12 and i havent spoken to him since i was?? 17?? #UGH i just hate it here and it's the fact that i'll never escape it either bc i cant totally abandon ship without also #abandoning my family and i refuse to do that and they refuse to leave so now im just stuck with all these CONNECTIONS #sorry to vent lol #ig this could be a poetry thing? we'll say it is instead of me just having another meltdown LMAO #hella goes home

[hikari-ni-naritai]

2, 4, 6, 14, 22, 28, 37, 44, 48, 49, 53, 55, 59, 68, 80, 82, 97

2. is your room messy or clean?

its a straight up mess. not depressed person messy, just regular ‘i dont ahve enough room to put all my things’ messy.

4. do you like your name? why?

i dont, but i couldnt tell you why. i dislike names as a concept. there is no name i would be happy to have.

6. describe your personality in 3 words or less

cat with dictionary

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

whtas a place thats 72 degrees or so all year round? thats where.

22. do you go to the gym?

lmaoooooo

28. how many friends do you have? 

i dont really keep track of that. tbh i dont even think of people as friends, i think of a specific person and think ‘oh hey i talk to this person a lot and like them.’ but i couldnt tell you where the line between friend and acquaintance is, so i dont bother categorizing anyone as either

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? 

i dont read as much as i used to. i used to read a whole lot. my favorite book is freakin probably that warriors cat series lmao

44. what is your biggest fear? 

i mean the thing i want to do the least amount is dying, but as far as active fears go, probably talking to people i dont know? but thats an anxiety thing and it can go away in certain circumstances. pain is probably the one that doesnt ever go away.

48. who is your role model? 

i dont have a role model. i model myself after an idealized version of myself that id like to be. 

49. what was the last compliment you received?

other than the anon that said i was dependable, my dnd campaign’s bard told me that i ran a really good session earlier, and im very proud of that.

53. opinion on smoking? 

like, do it but im not gonna date u. thats basically it, i dont care if other people smoke as long as its not in my car.

55. what is your dream job? 

tbh proofreading vns for sekai project would be a dream come true. i applied but i probably wont get it. oh well.

59. do you smile for pictures?

usually yeah

68. can you draw? 

boi not even a little bit

80. what is your biggest pet peeve? 

i have a whole lot tbh. one big one is people who dont think about what theyre doing. like at work we have to like, put handwritten revisions into legal documents and one of them was to insert “2016″ in two places, but the handwriting was like, a little bad, so someone put in “Zolb” in both those places. Zolb. Like if theyd given it even 1/10th of a second’s thought, theyd realize “Oh hey, Zolb is not a word, maybe that ISNT what this says.” but they didnt. thats more funny than irritating and we all still get a kick out of it, but most of the time it’s just terrible garbage that i have to fix bc someone cant think for themselves.

82. favorite ice cream flavor? 

depends on my mood but MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP

97. dark, milk, or white chocolate? 

really depends on my mood tbh, all 3 are good at different times and with different ingredients inside them.

#orsull