#like the thought of my neighbour who told me id never accomplish anything bc my school was shitter than his fancy one

[hella1975]

i hate my town i hate the people in it i hate the shame that consumes us all i hate that every failure might as well be posted in the square because everyone knows everyone i hate that my grandparents are here and i hate that my mother came back for them i hate that the kids are dying and no one cares i hate that every good memory has a bad memory right next door like sam's house around the corner from my childhood home i hate the body they pulled from the river i hate the memory of hearing yellow by coldplay at my cousin's funeral because all i could think was that it was too modern for the situation but then he was only seventeen so it makes sense i hate that i was seventeen too and all the boys i knew were there his friends that were supposed to be the tough guys the scary guys i hate that i pretended not to see them sobbing i hate that everything smells of cigarettes here i hate the politics i hate the people i used to love that dont even smile at me on the street i hate that the girl who called me a slut works at my favourite bar i hate every alley and hidden shortcut and i hate that i know them like the back of my hand i hate the same fucking coffee shops i sat in when i was fourteen and scared and now im nineteen and scared and i hate that it's exactly what this town wants i hate that it wants anger i hate that it wants fear i hate that it wants shame i hate that i can give it everything

#thinking about how the two biggest things in my life rn - writing and my degree - are so punctuated by this fucking town #like my biggest fear with my degree isnt what id think of myself if i dropped out or failed #or even what my family would think bc they're nicer to me than i am #it's genuinely the thought of what my hometown lot would say that keeps me up at night #like the thought of my neighbour who told me id never accomplish anything bc my school was shitter than his fancy one #the thought of having to look him in the eye #or the thought of knowing my friends will tell their mums who are still on the PTA with old teachers who thought i was special #like small towns wrap you in this bubble of smallness and it suffocates you and you're so terrified and ashamed of every little mistake #and then my writing GOD i keep thinking about how tbos is probably the best thing ive ever written #and id publish it id genuinely try and get it published #but im just again so scared and ashamed and embarrassed like how do i explain to these assholes that im writing fantasy #and that's not even counting the gay angle bc that's the biggest part #i just am not brave enough for that yet and yeah maybe it's bc im still young but i shouldnt have to be brave to enjoy things to begin with #failure shouldnt require bravery when it's just a fact of life #and i think about if we'd lived in london like my dad wanted us to or if we'd gone to dublin bc my mum loves dublin #or even if we just hadn't come to this fucking town and we'd lived in ANY FUCKING CITY #my dad jokes about how in london he didn't even know his neighbours names and god i just crave that anonymity so fucking much #it's so frustrating and my mum takes it so personally whenever i say i hate the town and my sister says i'll grow out of it just because #she did but i genuinely dont think i will #and maybe that's the creative in me or the queer in me that she just cant relate to but i have always always hated this place #like a guy i have a VERY complicated history with messaged me the other day and we havent talked in TIME #and it was kinda sweet if not awkward just bc of our aforementioned rocky past but one thing he mentioned when i said i was at uni #was that he said really genuinely 'im so happy to hear that; i know you always wanted to get out of [town name]' #like he still remembers that about me even though weve been friends since we were 12 and i havent spoken to him since i was?? 17?? #UGH i just hate it here and it's the fact that i'll never escape it either bc i cant totally abandon ship without also #abandoning my family and i refuse to do that and they refuse to leave so now im just stuck with all these CONNECTIONS #sorry to vent lol #ig this could be a poetry thing? we'll say it is instead of me just having another meltdown LMAO #hella goes home