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geshertzarmeod · 3 years

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Favorite Books of 2020

I wanted to put together a list! I read 74 new books this year, and I keep track of that on Goodreads - feel free to add or follow me if you want to see everything! I’m going to focus on the highlights, and the books that stuck with me personally in one way or another, in approximate order. Also, all but two of them (#5 and #7 on the honorable mention list) are queer/trans in some way. Links are to Goodreads, but if you’re looking to get the books, I suggest your library, the Libby app using your library, your local bookstore, or Bookshop.

The Faggots & Their Friends Between Revolutions by Larry Mitchell, illus. by Ned Asta (originally published 1977). I had a hard beginning of the year and was in a work environment where my queerness was just not welcomed or wanted. I read this in the middle of all of that, and it helped me so much. I took this book with me everywhere. I read it on planes. I read it on the bus, and on trains, and at shul. I showed it to friends... sometimes at shul, or professional development conferences. It healed my soul. Now I can’t find it and might get a new copy. When I reviewed it, in February, I wrote: “I think we all need this book right now, but I really needed this book right now. Wow. This book is magic, and brings back a sense of magic and beauty to my relationship with the world.” Also I bought my copy last July, in a gay bookstore on Castro St. in SF, and that in itself is just beautiful to me. (Here’s a post I made with some excerpts)

Once & Future duology, especially the sequel, Sword in the Stars, by A.R. Capetta and Cory McCarthy. Cis pansexual female King Arthur Ari Helix (she's the 42nd reincarnation and the first female one) in futuristic space with Arab ancestry (but like, from a planet where people from that area of earth migrated to because, futuristic space) works to end Future Evil Amazon.com Space Empire with her found family with a token straight cis man and token white person. Merlin is backwards-aging so he's a gay teenager with a crush and thousands of years of baggage. The book’s entire basis is found family, and it's got King Arthur in space. And the sequel hijacks the original myth and says “fuck you pop culture, it was whitewashed and straightwashed, there were queer and trans people of color and strong women there the whole time.” Which is like, my favorite thing to find in media, and a big part of why I love Xena so much. It’s like revisionist history to make it better except it’s actually probably true in ways. Anyway please read these books but also be prepared for an absolutely absurd and wild ride. Full disclosure though, I didn’t love the first book so much, it’s worth it for the sequel!

The Wicker King by K. Ancrum. This book hurt. It still hurts. But it was so good. It took me on a whole journey, and brought me to my destination just like it intended the whole time. The author’s note at the end made me cry! The sheer NEED from this book, the way the main relationship develops and shifts, and how you PERCEIVE the main relationship develops and shifts. I’m in awe of Ancrum’s writing. If you like your ships feral and needy and desperate and wanting and D/S vibes and lowkey super unhealthy but with the potential, with work, to become healthy and beautiful and right, read this book. This might be another one to check trigger warnings for though.

The Entirety of The Daevabad Trilogy by S.A. Chakraborty. I hadn’t heard of this series until this year, when a good friend recommended it to me. It filled the black hole in me left by Harry Potter. The political and mystical/fantasy world building is just *chef’s kiss* - the complexity! The morally grey, everyone’s-done-awful-things-but-some-people-are-still-trying-to-do-good tapestry! The ROMANCE oh my GOD the romance. If I’m absolutely fully invested in a heterosexual romance you know a book is good, but also this book had background (and then later less background) queer characters! And the DRAMA!!! The third book went in a direction that felt a little out of nowhere but honestly I loved the ride. I stayed up until 6am multiple times reading this series and I’d do it again.

An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon. I loved this book so much that it’s the only book I reviewed on my basically abandoned attempt at a book blog. This book is haunting, horrifying, disturbing, dark, but so, so good. The character's voices were so specific and clear, the relationships so clearly affected by circumstance and yet loving in the ways they could be. This is my favorite portrayal of gender maybe ever, it’s just... I don’t even have the words but I saw a post @audible-smiles made about it that’s been rattling in my head since. And, “you gender-malcontent. You otherling,” as tender pillow talk??? Be still my heart. Be ready, though, this book has all the triggers.. it’s a .

Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender. This book called me out on my perspective on love. Also, it made me cry a lot. And it has two different interesting well-written romance storylines. And a realistic coming-into-identity narrative about a Black trans demiboy. And a nuanced discussion of college plans and what one might do after college. And some big beautiful romcom moments. I wish I had it in high school. I’m so glad I have it now! (trigger warning for transphobia & outing, but the people responsible are held accountable by the end, always treated as not okay by the narrative, and the MC’s friends, and like... this is ownvoices and it’s GOOD.)

The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern. My Goodreads review says, “I have no idea what happened, and I loved it.” That’s not wrong, but to delve deeper, this book has an ethereal feeling that you get wrapped up in while reading. Nothing makes sense but that’s just as it should be. You’re hooked. It is so atmospheric, so meta, so fascinating. I’ve seen so many people say they interpreted this character or that part or the ending in all different ways and it all makes sense. And it’s all of this with a gay main character and romance and the central theme, the central pillar being a love of and devotion to stories. Of course I was going to love it.

Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl’s Confabulous Memoir by Kai Cheng Thom. “Because maybe what really matters isn’t whether something is true, or false. Maybe what matters is the story itself; what kinds of doors it opens, what kinds of dreams it brings.” This book was so good and paradigm shifting. It reminded me of #1 on this list in the way it turns real life experience and hard, tragic ones at that (in this case, of being a trans girl of color who leaves home and tries to make a life for herself in the city, with its violence), into a beautiful, haunting fable. Once upon a time.

I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver. I need to reread this book, as I read it during my most tranceful time of 2020 and didn’t write a review, so I forgot a lot. What I do remember is beautiful and important nonbinary representation, a really cute romance, an interesting parental and familial/sibling dynamic that was both heartbreaking and hopeful, and an on-page therapy storyline. Also Mason Deaver just left twitter but was an absolutely hilarious troll on it before leaving and I appreciate that (and they just published a Christmas novella that I have but haven’t read yet!)

The Truth Is by NoNieqa Ramos. It took a long time to trust this book but I’m so glad I did. It’s raw and real and full of grief and trauma (trigger warnings, that I remember, for grief, death (before beginning of book), and gun violence). The protagonist is flawed and gets to grow over the course of the book, and find her own place, and learn from the people around her, while they also learn to understand her and where she’s coming from. It’s got a gritty, harsh, and important portrayal of found family, messy queerness, and some breathtaking quotes. When I was 82% through this book I posted this update: “This book has addressed almost all of my initial hesitations, and managed to complicate itself beautifully.”

Anger is a Gift by Mark Oshiro. I wasn’t actually in the best mental health place to read this book when I did (didn’t quite understand what it was) but it definitely reminded me of what there is to fight against and to fight for, and broke my heart, and nudged me a bit closer to hope. The naturally diverse cast of characters was one of the best parts of this book. The romance is so sweet and tender and then so painful. This book is important and well-written but read it with caution and trigger warnings - it’s about grief and trauma and racism and police brutality, but also about love and community.

The Prey of Gods by Nicky Drayden. This is a sci-fi/fantasy/specfic mashup that takes place in near-future South Africa and has world-building myths with gods and demigoddesses and a trip to the world of the dead but also a genetically altered hallucinogenic drug that turns people into giant animals and a robot uprising and a political campaign and a transgender pop star and a m/m couple and all of them are connected. It’s bonkers. Like, so, so absolutely mind-breaking weird. And I loved it.

Crier’s War and Iron Heart by Nina Varela. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVED the amount of folktales they told each other with queer romances as integral to those stories, especially in Iron Heart. A conversation between the two leads where Crier says she wants to read Ayla like a book, and Ayla says she’s not a book, and Crier explains all the different ways she wants to know Ayla, like a person, and wants to deserve to know her like a person, made me weak. It lives in my head rent-free.

Queen’s Shadow by E.K. Johnston @ekjohnston . I listened to this book on Libby and then immediately listened to it at least one more time, maybe twice, before my borrow time ran out. I love Padmé, and just always wish that female Star Wars characters got more focus and attention and this book gave me that!! And queer handmaidens! And the implication that Sabé is in love with Padmé and that’s just something that will always be true and she will always be devoted and also will make her own life anyway. And the Star Wars audiobooks being recorded the way they are with background sounds and music means it feels like watching a really long detailed beautiful Star Wars movie just about Padmé and her handmaidens.

Sissy: A Coming of Gender Story by Jacob Tobia. I needed to read this. The way Tobia talks about their experience of gender within the contexts of college, college leadership, and career, hit home. I kept trying to highlight several pages in a row on my kindle so I could go back and read them after it got returned to the library (sadly it didn’t work - it cuts off highlights after a certain number of characters). The way they talk about TOKENISM they way they talk about the responsibilities of the interviewer when an interviewee holds marginalized identities especially when no one else in the room does!!! Ahhhh!!!

Bonds of Brass by Emily Skrutskie. Disclaimer for this one that the author was rightfully criticized for writing a Black main character as a white author (and how the story ended up playing into some fucked up stuff that I can’t really unpack without spoiling). But also, the author has been working to move forward knowing she can’t change the past, has donated her proceeds, and this book is really good? It has all the fanfic tropes, so much delicious tension, a totally unexpected plot twist that had me immediately rereading the book. This book was super fun and also kind of just really really good Star Wars fanfiction.

How To Be a Normal Person by T.J. Klune. This book was so sweet, and cute, and hopeful, and both ridiculous and so real. I had some trouble getting used to Gus’ voice and internal monologue, but I got into it and then loved every bit after. The ace rep is something I’ve never seen like this before (and have barely read any ace books but still this was so fleshed out and well rounded and not just like, ‘they’re obsessed with swords not sex’ - looking at you, Once & Future - and leaving it there.) This all felt like a slice of life and I feel like I learned about people while reading it. Some of the moments are so, so funny, some are vaguely devastating. I have been personally victimized by TJ Klune for how he ends this book (a joke, you will know once you read it) but it also reminds me of the end of the “You Are There” episode of Xena and we all know what the answer to that question was.... and I choose to believe the answer here was similar.

You Should See Me in a Crown by Leah Johnson. I wish I had this book when I was in high school. I honestly have complicated feelings about prom and haven’t really been seeking out contemporary YA so I was hesitant to read this but it was so good and so well-written, and had a lot of depth to it. The movie (and Broadway show) “The Prom” wants what this book has.

Plain Bad Heroines by Emily M. Danforth. I never read horror books, so this was a new thing for me. I loved the feeling of this book, the way I felt fully immersed. I loved how entirely queer it was. I was interested in the characters and the relationships, even though we didn’t have a full chance to go super deep into any one person but rather saw the connections between everyone and the way the stories matched up with each other. I just wanted a bit of a more satisfying ending.

Honorable Mention: reread in 2020 but read for the first time pre-2020

Red White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. I couldn’t make this post without mentioning this book. It got me through this year. I love this book so much; I think of this book all the time. This book made me want to find love for myself. You’ve all heard about it enough but if you haven’t read this book what are you DOING.

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan @sarahreesbrennan . I reread this one over and over too, both as text and as an audiobook. I went for walks when I had lost my earbuds and had Elliott screaming about an elf brothel loudly playing and got weird looks from someone walking their dog. I love this book so much. It’s just so fun, and so healing to read a book reminiscent of all the fantasies I read as a kid, but with a bi main character and a deconstruction of patriarchy and making fun of the genre a bit. Also, idiots to lovers is a great trope and it’s definitely in this book.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book is forever so important to me. I am always drawn in by how tenderly Sáenz portrays his characters. These boys. These boys and their parents. I love them. I love them so much. This is another one where I don’t even know what to say. I have more than 30 pages in my tag for this book. I have “arda” set as a keyboard shortcut on my phone and laptop to turn into the full title. This book saved my life.

Last Night I Sang to the Monster by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book hurts to read - it’s a story about trauma, about working through that trauma, healing enough to be ready to hold the worst memories, healing enough to move through the pain and start to make a life. It’s about found family and love and pain and I love it. It’s cathartic. And it’s a little bit quietly queer in a beautiful way, but that’s not the focus. Look up trigger warnings (they kind of are spoilery so I won’t say them here but if you have the potential to be triggered please look them up or ask me before reading)

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine. When asked what my all time favorite book is, it’s usually this one. Gail Carson Levine has been doing live readings at 11am since the beginning of the pandemic shut down in the US, and the first book she read was Ella Enchanted. I’ve been slowly reading it to @mssarahpearl and am just so glad still that it has the ability to draw me in and calm me down and feels like home after all this time. This book is about agency. I love it.

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman @chronicintrovert . I’ve had this on my all-time-faves list since I read it a few years ago and ended up rereading it this year before sending a gift copy to a friend, so I could write little notes in it. It felt a little different reading it this time - as I get further away from being a teenager myself, the character voice this book is written in takes a little longer to get used to, but it’s so authentic and earnest and I love it. I absolutely adore this book about platonic love and found family and fandom and mental illness and abuse and ace identity and queerness and self-determination, especially around college and career choices. Ahhh. Thank you Alice Oseman!!!

Leia: Princess of Alderaan by Claudia Gray @claudiagray . I have this one on audible and reread it several times this year. I love the fleshing out of Leia’s story before the original trilogy, I love her having had a relationship before Han, and the way it would have affected her perspective. I also am intrigued by the way it analyses the choices the early rebellion had to make... I just, I love all the female focused new Star Wars content and the complexity being brought to the rebellion.

#red white and royal blue #aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe #osemanverse #star wars #queer books #lgbtq books #books #alice oseman #miri personal #wow this took so long but was so worth it!#long post #book recs #PS: if you've read any of these or have questions about any of these books #this is your formal invitation to talk to me about them!!!! even if i don't know you at all!#even if i don't follow you and even if you don't follow me!#my ask box is open anon is on!#original content

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itisannak · 3 years

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V-A-L-N-T-Y-N-E (Calum Hood Fluff)

Summary: Calum meets (Y/N) while shooting the music video for Valentine. Past relationships make it kind of difficult for them to be completely comfortable with each other. Past relationships, and the fact (Y/N) is trans. (Words: 8.4k) (Request)

My Uber leaves me right in front of the house that corresponds to the address the driver has been given. My day started with a delivery of fresh coffee and pastries to my door and then continued with an Uber hauling me straight to the client's door. It has been a while since I have done a house visit for a client, I am way past doing people's makeup for a living now, but the client seemed like a big deal; first, I was contacted by his management, then he called himself so we could talk about the aesthetic. And the money he offered for just a day's worth of working, really couldn't be turned down. To my understanding, this will be some sort of video production, so I can only hope for some extra exposure. I ring the bell, shifting my weight from leg to leg as I try to forget how heavy my makeup carrier is today. The door is answered by the man I talked to on FaceTime just a week ago. "Good morning, (Y/N). Come on in. Did you find the house with ease?" He asks, smiling charmingly. "Good morning. The driver didn't even have to look at the GPS to find the house. Thanks for the Uber and the breakfast, by the way. It was very kind of you." I walk into the house; the first thing I notice is how serene the house is, how quiet, how simplistic yet elegant. Then I notice the art-covered walls, the vibrant but subtle pieces that give character to the place without being too loud. I gotta admit, I am surprised by his taste. "No problem. Can I take that for you?" He asks me, pointing at the makeup carrier. "Do you mind if I carry it? The contains can be pretty fragile, I have to be careful." I comment and he nods. "Of course. Where do you want to set up?" He asks me. "Where do you want me to?" "Whenever you are comfortable to. I don't really know about the lighting you prefer." He states. "Can I see where you will be filming? It will help me get an understanding of what light you will be having." I ask and he nods. "Of course, follow me." He heads ahead, walking past the entrance and the kitchen until we are in the back of the house, heading towards the basement of it.

"It is pretty dark in here..." I say, suddenly turning a bit nervous. This could possibly end in a murder... I am in a stranger's house, heading toward a bad-lit basement, I have seen that shit in movies. "Sorry about that. We are going to film on a dark background, so we have covered the windows to avoid getting light in. We will have the filming lights open, of course. And if you need extra lighting, just let me know." He says, showing me the setup. There is another man in here, setting up the lights and camera. "This is Andy. He is my co-director for the day. Andy, this is (Y/N), the makeup artist." Ashton introduces us. The man stands up from crouching before the tripod, extending his hand for me to shake. "It is nice to meet you, (Y/N). I hope you enjoy working with us." "It is nice to meet you too. It has been nothing less of a treat this far." I smile, shaking his hand. "Ok, so. Where do you want to set up?" Ashton asks me. "I prefer here if it is ok. That way we get to see the makeup in the actual filming light and test how it shows on camera easily." I reply and Ashton claps his hands together. "Let's make that happen then. I will bring a table and a mirror for you. Will you need anything else to set up?" He asks me. "A chair and a bowl of water. I can help you carry all that here." "Oh, no. You don't have to. My friend is already here, he will help." Ashton assures me. "Ok then." I smile and move a bit away from the setting so I won't get in the way of Andy setting things up.

"Now, why didn't we move those things downstairs last night?" I hear chatter coming from the stairs. "Be careful here. One dent on the wall and I can kiss my deposit goodbye." "Ashton, you should stop riding my dick like that. A dent is fixable, and I wasn't even grazing the wall." The other man states. They make it down the stairs, caring a folded table and chair. "I am sorry if this was an inconvenience..." I mumble as Ashton unfolds the table. "Nonsense. Just grumps over there complaining for no reason. I am Calum." The man extends one hand. He has a very charming, warm smile, a full head of messy curls, and gives off cool guy vibes as he stands before me with one hand resting in his pocket. "I am (Y/N). Nice to meet you." I smile back at him. "I'll bring the bowl of water. (Y/N), please feel free to start setting up." Ashton announces, pointing at the table. "I better go bring the mirror." Calum says, pointing up the stairs. "Oh, no. You sit here, Hood. I nearly had a heart attack from you carrying a simple chair. I'll bring the mirror." Ashton groans, making Calum roll his eyes at the comment as Andy chuckles. "Ashton is a bit of a grump when stressed." Calum explains as I move to set up the makeup station. "Why is he stressed?" I ask, furrowing my eyebrows. "It's his first time directing. He wants this to work." "I thought he was a director... He was so confident about this project." I state. "No, he is a drummer. But always had an eye for photography and videography. He has a truly artistic vein in him." Calum chuckles. "Wait... Is this an MV?" I ask. "You didn't know?" He asks me back, looking at me confused. "I knew it was for a video, not for a music one." I mumble. "We are in a band. He is the drummer, I am the bassist, we have Michael and Luke on guitar. We all have vocals. I am surprised you didn't know. I thought our management contacted you." "They did. But I thought it was Ashton's management and he is some director..." "Did I freak you out?" Calum asks. "No, no. I just didn't think he has never done this before. He sounded so confident when we were talking about what he had in mind..." I comment, lining up my brushes. "He has a way of faking it. Can I help you with that?" He asks me, pointing at my makeup case. "I like organizing my items my way. It is easier for me to be more efficient and not spend time fumbling around for my items." I explain and he hums. "If you need any help, I will be right there. Don't hesitate to call for me." He offers, pointing to the set, where Andy is just about turning on the lights.

Calum is the last to sit on my chair since the golden paint would probably irritate him had it stayed so long on his skin. "You know, I actually kinda liked what you did with Michael's eyes." Calum comments as I mix the pigment with a dash of duraline. "Thank you." I chuckle, taking a sample of the mixture. "And it looked good on camera too. It really showed." He continues. "Yeah, I didn't want to do something heavy. He has very bright eyes and I wanted to keep the sparkle. I am glad you liked it." I reply, picking up my application brush. "Will I be able to talk with this on?" He asks me as I apply the first stroke. "Hm, you will be able to talk, it is not like a clay mask, but try not to, because the pigment might crack from the facial movement. That's why Ashton and I decided to leave you last, so you would be able to talk and eat without having to worry about the makeup." I explain. "Oh... And I thought you left me last because I have a difficult face." "First of all, rule of the thumb is that you work on the difficult faces first, so it doesn't end up ruined by the time you shoot. And then, you have a gorgeous face. Very pretty edges, plump and fresh skin, your face is not difficult at all..." I reply, squinting to see if the paint has any streaks this far.

The invite to the Christmas party found me totally unprepared; after the video release and the credit the band gave me for the looks on it, there has been silence between us. I assured myself that this is a typicality, that I have been mistakenly invited to Ashton's Christmas party. But my manager insisted that I have to attend, to network with people from their industry. To my surprise, the party is way less crowded than I expected it; fuck, I wish I had brought my friend along, so I could chat with her and soothe myself from the anxiety; I feel like everyone is wondering who I am and what I am doing here. I pick a drink from the bar and take a quick sip, before the idea of going outside crosses my mind. I try to be as discreet as I can, not cause anyone to stare as I creep my way out. Ashton gasps as I pass by him, smiling brightly as he moves closer. "(Y/N), you made it. I am so glad to see you again. Merry Christmas." He greets me. "Hi, Happy Holidays. I am glad to see you too. Thank you for inviting me." I cheer, smiling at him as well. "Did you just arrive?" He asks me and I nod. "Yes, I have been here for 5 minutes most." "You came a bit early. We are expecting a few more people over... Come, come... Let me introduce you to a few friends. I am afraid only Calum is here now, from the people you have already met. But Michael and Luke are on their way over." Ashton motions for me to follow him. I do, taking a small sip from my drink as we walk closer to his group of friends. "(Y/N), this is my girlfriend Katelin, my friend Roy, my friend Mitchy, and of course, you have already met Calum. Guys, this is (Y/N), the amazing makeup artist that brought my vision into light for the Valentine video." "Hello everyone, it is nice to meet you. Calum, it is lovely to see you again. I think Ashton is really overselling me. All I did was do my job. The video was marvelous, by the way, I never got the chance to tell you in person." I turn to Ashton, who chuckles and brushes me off. "Please, you did an amazing job." He assures me and I nod my head politely. "Thank you. It was a beautiful project and I am glad I got to be part of it." I comment. "Any latest projects? I have been following your work ever since the video, and I got to say I am impressed. The way you do makeup, your videos, your posts, they make me feel warm and calm." Kaitlin comments, making me press my hand against my chest in gratitude. "I did a couple of shoots for Savage x Fenty for their Christmas promos. I got to say, this year has been amazing for me career-wise. I am glad you like my work. I want to keep a very zen vibe around my work." I reply, smiling at the woman. "Oh, there they are. Michael ad his girlfriend have just arrived. I will go call them over really quick." Ashton excuses himself. "So, (Y/N)... Did you come alone to the party?" Roy asks me. "I thought of inviting my friend along, but I ended up coming solo." I state, making the man hum.

I found an excuse after Luke and Michael arrived with their girlfriends to part from the group, and ended up in the small patio outside. It is a nice change from the crowdedness inside, a way to decompress from the awkwardness I felt while I was talking with Ashton's friends. I pick out my phone, checking the texts my friend sent me to ask if I need an out. "There you are." I hear someone call. I turn around, finding Calum walking towards me. I smile, stashing my phone in my purse before shrugging. "Busted." I chuckle. "We were all wondering where you went." He replies, pointing to the inside with his thumb. "I wanted some air. It is very hot inside, I felt a bit suffocated." I explain and Calum nods. "Ashton has been having the heating on almost all day." "Why? It is way too warm for late-December..." I furrow my eyebrows together. "We are from Australia. We are used to extremely warm weather in December, this is like we are staying in a freezer..." Calum explains and I shake my head from side to side. "I would have never guessed you are not from here. You barely have accents." "Yeah, comes with the years. Anyway, how are you liking the party?" He asks me, changing the talk to me. I sigh, my chest puffing from how long the draw of breath has been. "If I am completely honest, I feel a little awkward..." I admit, biting my bottom lip. "Awkward, why?" The tall man asks me, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. I run my hand over my shoulder, soothing the chills rising from the chilliness of the Californian night. "I had this feeling before coming here that Ashton only invited me as a typicality. I wouldn't have come if my manager didn't insist this would be a good opportunity to network further. And I felt as if I was forcing your friends to talk to me because I came alone." I explain and Calum nods. "Well, my friends are actually nice people, and genuinely wanted to get to know you better. Especially Kaitlin, she was so hyped when Ashton told her he was inviting you. And second, Ashton doesn't invite people for typicalities... He wanted you here, he is in awe of the work you did on our video, we all are, to be honest. But I get that being in a place you don't know anyone can be weird. It feels like you don't have a safety net." "Exactly. If I had my friend over, I could just pull her over and chat with her. But now I feel a little exposed." I sigh, rolling my eyes at how stupid this sounds. "Well, I am here. If you feel uncomfortable at any moment, just pull me over and chat with me." He offers. "Why are you doing this?" I ask him, earning a shrug from him. "I don't know. I just... I feel how you are feeling. I don't like it when I don't have a safety net with me." He explains, making me smile sympathetically. "You seem very easygoing, I cannot imagine you being in my shoes." "It comes with experience in this industry, you learn to mask everything. But if I am being honest, it is torture, always having to look so at ease." He states. I run my hands over my arms even harder, trying to warm up a little. I curse myself for not bringing a coat... "Are you cold?" He asks me. I nod my head. "I don't have a coat to offer you... Let's get in. It is way warmer..." He chuckles softly. "I like talking with you. I wish we could stay here..." I sigh in disappointment; he makes it seem easy talking to someone I barely know, and being inside at the party just seems so hard right now. "Don't worry, I know a corner in the house we can continue this conversation..." He lets me walk in first, but once inside he is the one to show the way and push through the crowd of attendees.

We make our way to the kitchen, which is surprisingly empty, despite the food on the marble countertop. Calum grabs a platter, offering me a slider before taking one for himself. "The good thing about Aston's parties is that there is always plenty of food. Which mostly goes untouched." "Why?" "No one really eats in LA..." He sighs, placing the platter on the counter before hopping to sit on top of it. "This is sad..." I stuff the mini-burger in my mouth, leaning against the countertop opposite of Calum "Are you doing anything on Christmas day?" He asks me. "Not really. It will be a lonely Christmas." "How come?" "Well, it is the first year that I have accomplished all my goals and I want to celebrate it in peace. And my family can be... quite loud..." I reply, shrugging my shoulders. "I get it..." "What about you? How are you spending your Christmas?" "Kinda like you... I usually visit my family or they visit me for the holidays, but this year it's none of it. There is always next year." He shrugs, but I can see the sadness on his face. "I am sorry for that. You are spending Christmas alone?" I ask, putting my hand on top of his sympathetically. "Yeah, but it is fine. I'll be fine." "Well, you are welcome at my house tomorrow for lunch. There will be food, drinks, desserts. Let's not be alone on Christmas Day." I offer, smiling at the man who looks at me with a newly-found sparkle. "Really?" He asks me. "Of course... That is if you feel comfortable coming." "Why are you doing this?" He asks me, furrowing his eyebrows softly. "Safety Net." I shrug, smiling at him.

I rush to open the door the second time my doorbell rings, knowing that behind it can be only my guest for the day. Calum appears behind the door, holding a pot of a beautiful red plant. "Hi, Merry Christmas..." I greet him, moving from the door to let him in. "Merry Christmas. Thank you for inviting me today. I didn't have enough time to get you a gift, and the lady in the flower shop told me this is the most popular Christmas plant, so here." "You didn't have to bring anything. But thank you, it is lovely. What's its name?" I ask, taking the pot as he passes it to me. "I don't know. You should name it. But Reddie sounds like a fitting name." He replies. I burst into laughter, pressing my hand to my mouth to stop myself from snorting. "I meant how is the plant called..." I manage to say. Calum groans and his face morphs into an awkward expression. "You must think I am a dumbass..." He throws his head back, looking at the ceiling before pressing the bridge of his nose. "No, it was just a miscommunication... I'll image search it later. Come on, I have made a light snack in the kitchen for us while we wait for the main to be ready." I motion him to follow me, walking ahead to the kitchen. "You have a lovely house." He comments as he takes a seat on the island in the middle of the kitchen. "Thanks. I pretty much renovated it myself. You should have seen the place when I first moved in." I sigh, remembering the dumpster my house was when I purchased it. "Do you have pictures?" He asks me. "Yeah, I also have a video on my channel if you'd like to see the before and after." I offer, picking up my phone. "Please, I am curious about it." I open the app, quickly searching for my video before handing the device to Calum. While he is watching the video, I plate the snacks and take a quick look at the main course in the oven. "Oh, wow... I can't believe this used to be what this place looked like. And you did it by yourself?" He asks me, handing me my phone back. "Pretty much. I wanted this place to be my dream home. Of course, the place had a good foundation, so I didn't need to intervene, but the remodeling and decoration were pretty much my doing." "It must have taken you a lot of time and money to do that..." "Well, it did take time, but I was able to turn this project into a series of videos for my youtube and monetize it from ads." "It is incredible. You are quite good at this, I should hire you to do mine..." He chuckles softly. "Thank you. So, would you like some wine with the snacks? I have white and red." I ask him. "Red is fine. Seriously, you should consider doing this professionally. You have a great talent." "I don't think it would work." "Why? Your house is the best advertisement." "I mean... It was my dream house. I have been imagining it and planning it for as long as I can remember. I don't think it would be the same, doing this for someone else." I explain, reaching for the glasses in my cabinet. "I guess you are right." "So, I have prepared a few canapes to pair with our wine. And I have made roast chicken with a side of stuffing. And for dessert, I bought this amazing Sticky Toffee Truffle. I hope you like the menu." I list, handing him a glass of wine. "It sounds lovely. The fact that you even invited me is enough. What would you have cooked if I hadn't come?" He asks me. "Pretty much the same, then I would eat leftovers until New Year's day." I giggle, clinging my glass with his. "Thank you again for inviting me." "I hope next year you spend Christmas with your family, the way you like it." I smile at him, taking a sip from my wine.

My phone rings, startling me awake from my mid-day nap. I grab it from the coffee table, rubbing my eyes to wake myself up. "Hello?" I ask as I pick it up. "Hi, (Y/N)... It's Calum." "Hey, Calum. What's up?" I ask, stretching my body as I stand up from the couch. "Are you ok? You sound a bit weird..." "I just woke up. I am fine." "Oh shit... I am sorry I woke you up." "It is fine, don't worry. What's up?" "I wanted to invite you to join me at a New Year's Day party I am going to. Well, starts New Year's Eve, but you get it." "Oh, that is lovely. But I already got plans. I am sorry. Raincheck?" "Do you really have plans or you are afraid you are not going to have a safety net?" He asks me with a soft chuckle. "No, I really have plans. My friend is throwing this fancy dinner party for New Year's Eve. Thank you for inviting me, though. I love that you thought of me." I coo, smiling to myself as I hear him chuckle. "How are you spending New Year's Day?" He asks me. "Same as I would have spent Christmas Day if you hadn't come over." "Then you should come over with me. Ashton is hosting a lunch, and I would love if you were my plus one." "I don't want to impose..." "No, no, you are very welcome. I am sure Ashton will be delighted." "If you are doing this to repay me for Christmas day..." "I am doing this because I like your company, and I want you on the New Year's table. Now, do you want me to come pick you up?" He asks me. His tone sounds overconfident, which leaves me no room to dispute him; either way, I have nothing better to do on New Year's Day. "I can come over by myself. Thank you for inviting me, I am sure it will be lovely." "You are very welcome. See you next year I guess." He cheers, causing me to giggle softly. "See you next year, Calum." I have this stupid smirk on my face as I hang up the phone, which I honestly cannot explain. I lean my head against the back of my couch, thinking of what I should wear for lunch.

(Calum's POV) "Are you sure you don't mind (Y/N) coming over today?" I ask Ashton as I help him set the table. "For the millionth time, I don't. I am happy to have her over. You two seem to get along really well." He states, cocking an eyebrow at me. "Yeah, she is a great person, very talented, very passionate, very kind." "Yeah, yeah... She is all that. And then some..." Ashton chuckles. "What do you mean?" I ask, furrowing my eyebrows together as I look for an explanation. "I mean that it is obvious that you like her." "What? No." I scoff. "Come on, dude. You kept looking over at her during the shoot, then you disappeared from my party to hang out with her, you spend Christmas day with her, then you invite her to the party you didn't even want to go to, and now you invite her over to spend New Year's day with us. You keep finding excuses to see her, it is adorable." He looks at me with a bright glance, making me sigh. "Well..." "Well, what? As far as I know, she is single, right?" He asks. "Yeah, she is... You know she is trans, right?" I ask him, looking at my hands as I fidget with my thumbs. "I know. She never kept it a secret." "I mean... I don't know. Fuck, Ashton, this is frustrating. I don't know what to do." I admit, sighing deeply. He stays quiet for a moment. "Look, man... She is a gorgeous woman, there is obvious chemistry between you two. You really like her, I think she does too. I don't know why you are holding back from admitting it, or what mental boundary you are having, but you have to take a step back and deal with your feelings and thoughts. There is not much advice I can give you, but I can tell you the more you try to bury it, the worse it will get." He shrugs his shoulders, making me nod at him. I pick up a pair of glasses, placing them by the plates.

"Look who I found outside..." KayKay cheers as she unlocks the door and enters the house, accompanied by (Y/N). "What were you doing outside?" Ashton asks, walking towards her with open arms. "I was about to ring the bell. Happy New Year." (Y/N) cheers, hugging Ashton while she smiles. "Happy New Year. I hope 2019 brings you all the best." Ashton replies, letting go of her. "I brought some wine and a dessert. I got chocolate eclairs... Get it?" She laughs softly, handing the bags to Ashton, who laughs, throwing his head back. "Of course. You didn't have to bring anything, but thank you. Calum, would you like to show our guest where to put the things she brought?" Ashton turns to me. I sigh and roll my eyes at him; he could not have been more obvious. "Sure. Come on, (Y/N)." I smile at her, motioning to follow me. I take her to the kitchen, where she places the bags on top of the island. "Happy New Year, Calum. We didn't have the chance to wish each other." (Y/N) states, smiling at me. "Yeah, we didn't. Happy New Year." I hug her; she smells amazing, I cannot help but take in her scent. "Thank you for inviting me over. I really don't know if I wanted to be alone today." She mumbles. "You are very welcome. You are gorgeous today." I compliment her, taking a step back to let her image sink in. "Thank you. I didn't know what the dress code was for the day." She laughs softly, making her whole face light up. "It is fine, you look perfect." I reply, picking up the bottle of wine to put it in the fridge along with the box of chocolate eclairs. "Thank you. You don't look bad yourself either..." "Well, thank you very much. How was the dinner party last night?" I ask her, leaning against the countertop. "It was fine, there was a lot of food, we watched the fireworks and then I slept over at my friend's. It was nothing unusual. How was the party?" "I didn't go." I shrug. "You didn't? Why?" "I spent the Eve here. I stayed the night and I am going home after lunch." I explain and she hums. "At least you weren't alone. Did you have a good time?" She asks me, crossing her arms in front of her chest as she relaxes against the counter. "I did. Nights at Ashton's place are always great." "Are you two planning to join us? We are nearly starting..." Ashton announces as he enters the kitchen. "Can I help with anything?" (Y/N) asks, moving from the way to let Ashton take the food out of the oven. "No, no... Just go wash up and take a seat at the table. Calum, will you show her to the bathroom, please?" Ashton winks at me. All I do is nod my head, gesturing for (Y/N) to follow me.

"The food was delicious. I didn't have you as much of a cook..." (Y/N) states as we all help clear the table. "Oh, you didn't? Calum, tell her about my glorious meals." Ashton elbows me playfully. "He is a freaking masterchef, there is no use in lying..." I reply, causing Ashton to smirk triumphantly. "I had to feed all those morons, they would have been dead of starvation if it wasn't for me feeding them." Ashton says cockily. "So, you are like the mother of the group... Nice." "(Y/N), would you like some coffee with your dessert?" Kaitlin asks her, and (Y/N) shakes her head no. "I actually was thinking that I imposed way too long on you and that I should actually call an Uber to go home." (Y/N) replies, making Ashton gasp. "Imposed? No, sweetheart, we want you here. You are always welcome." Ashton assures her, taking his most comforting look. "Uber? You didn't drive here?" I ask, furrowing my eyebrows. "Yeah, I took an Uber here. I don't like driving after drinking, and I am also kinda tired from last night, so I didn't want to have to drive today." (Y/N) explains. "Stay for coffee and dessert, I will drive you home after." I almost beg her; just a little more time with her. "Are you sure? I would hate to get you out of your way." She looks at me as if she is trying to reach inside me for an honest answer. "Please, stay." I plead, smiling at her a half-smirk.

(Y/N's POV) "Can I ask you a question?" Calum asks as he drives towards my house. "Of course." "It is a bit personal..." He informs me, pausing to see if my grant is still valid. "It is fine. Just ask me whatever you want." I state, but I am actually anxious about what he is going to ask me. "How come you are single?" He asks, turning his head to look at me. I shrug my shoulders, biting the inside of my cheek. "Well, I guess it is hard for me to keep a relationship. I don't know. I haven't met anyone that was worth my time until now." I reply, dragging in a deep breath. "Why is it hard to keep a relationship?" He asks me. "You know I am trans, right?" "I do. What does it have to do with anything?" He asks me, earning a chuckle from me. "Not everyone thinks like you, Calum. So many of the guys I have gone out with freaked out the moment they found out about it. Full disclosure from the first date, so there is rarely ever a second. If they decide that dating a trans woman does not minimize their masculinity, then they start treating me like shit. They think I am lucky to even be with them. And this is where I leave them. I am a proud woman. I deserve the world, and nothing else. If being with someone means I have to put up with abusive behavior, then I'd rather be alone." I explain, turning to study his reaction. He nods his head, pressing his lips together without turning to look at me. "Why are you asking me?" I ask, staring at him and hoping he feels my gaze to shift his attention. "Well... I don't know. I guess... Fuck. I really like you. Like, really really like you, and I was just... It has nothing to do with you. In my previous relationships, I ended up hurting myself, and when I realized I started getting feelings for you, I started looking for reasons to discourage myself from admitting. I was really hoping your answer would give me some..." He chuckles, turning to look at me. I feel my face heating up and my hands are trembling as I hear him let the words out. "Me being..." I begin but he interrupts me. "It is not. I like you, you are a gorgeous woman, a very smart, passionate person, and I liked you since the moment I met you." He replies. "I don't know what to say, Cal..." "You don't have to say anything. I just wanted to let it out of my chest. What you do with this information is up to you. I owe it to myself, to be honest..." He replies, focusing back on the road.

Sooner than I realized, Calum pulls up to the front of my house. I turn to look at him, finding him already staring. "Look, Calum... I really like you. Really, really like you. But I cannot risk getting hurt. I need you to take some time, think about what you want. I cannot have you looking for reasons to get out, none of us deserve that. So, take your time, talk with yourself, and if you decide that you want to..." "I did enough thinking. I like you. Once I am in, I am never out, unless you want me out. I don't have more thinking to do, I know what I want." "Are you sure about that? Think of the impact, think of what your friends are going to say..." "Screw what anyone is going to say, (Y/N)." He groans; I feel my chest heaving, warmth running down my spine. "Well, in that case... Are you going to kiss me?" I smile at him, making him chuckle. "Isn't it well overdue?" He asks, undoing his seatbelt as he leans in for a kiss.

He goes slow, taking his time to set the pace while his hands rest softly against my cheek. I am at a loss of breath; his lips are so soft and warm, and I just adore the way his fingers are slowly tracing my cheek. I cannot help but sigh into the kiss, earning a smile from Calum as he deepens it. I am without breath as we part, a need to hide my face with my hands punching me in my gut suddenly. "You have very soft lips..." Calum mumbles, smiling at me as he leans his head against the headrest of his seat. "Do I?" I ask with a grin. "Mm... And you taste so sweet..." He brushes his thumb over my cheek, causing me to bite the inside of my cheek as I feel heat crawling up my face. "Wanna come inside for a drink?" I ask him. "I do. But I have to say no. But what about you come over to my place tomorrow night? Let's have a proper first date..." "A date?" I ask, cocking an eyebrow as I look at him. "A date..." He smiles softly, leaning in for one last peck.

And with the blink of an eye, Calum and I are a thing. Calum gets in his bedroom, with just a towel fixed on his hips. I lower my glasses, letting the book I am reading on my lap. "You should really get new books..." I state, making Calum furrow his eyebrows together. "Why?" He asks me, crawling onto the bed and sitting by my side. He leaves a soft peck on my shoulder, making me giggle from the tickling his stubble causes to my skin. "I have read all of the books beside your bed..." I sigh and he gasps. "Already?" "You keep me waiting for way too long, I have to entertain myself somehow..." I pout my bottom lip, earning a coo from Calum. "I should be ashamed of keeping you waiting..." He mumbles, cupping my chin as he looks at me with his infamous gaze. "You should..." I mumble, seconds before I am found on my back, pinned on the mattress with Calum hovering over me. The brotherhood necklace sways in front of my face as Calum supports his weight on his elbows. He leans in to kiss me, placing his hands on my hips to make sure I won't squirm underneath him. "You smell so good." I moan as his lips leave mine and focus on my neck. "I do?" He asks hazily. "So good." I whine, tangling my fingers into his hair. "You are going to pull my hair, baby?" He teases me; the soft silver locks have given place to a short buzz, much to my dismay. He knows I love pulling on his hair when he is inside me, he knows I love to stroke it slowly as we cuddle on the couch, and now he is taking revenge on me, depriving me of the thing I love. Of course, he says he only cut it because bleaching has made his hair weak... "I would if you weren't bald..." I jab at him, earning a laugh. "You are in love with a bald man..." He kisses the spot connecting my jaw to my ear, causing my skin to erupt in goosebumps. "Who told you I am in love with you..." I ask, but the breakage of my voice disallows me to mask the playfulness. "I know, you hate me..." He shakes his head, resting his hand on my thigh. I move the dangling necklace so it rests on his back before my hand grazes his face softly.

Before anything, Calum's phone rings, making Calum sigh in frustration. "I'll be right back..." He huffs, moving to the bedside table to pick up his phone, but only leaving it back on the furniture once he takes a look at the caller ID. "Aren't you going to answer that?" I ask and he shakes his head no. "It's the management. They have been busting my balls all week..." "About what?" I ask him. "We have this red carpet event. The guys want to bring their girlfriends, and management has been trying to get me to agree to go to the event with this new artist they have signed... You know, stupid PR stunt." He huffs, plopping back on top of the bed. I press my lips together, staring at him with tension as I try to understand why the fuck he didn't even think of suggesting I go to the show with him. I get up from the bed, grabbing my clothes from the armchair across from it. "What are you doing?" He asks as I slip off my nightgown. "I am getting dressed." I reply, keeping straight eye contact with him. "Why?" He asks in confusion. "I am going home." "I thought you were staying the night..." "I was. But now I want to go home." "Why?" He asks, knitting his eyebrows together as he tries to understand what is going on. "Because I don't want to be here anymore." "Did I do something?" "Yes, you did..." "What did I do?" He asks, standing up from the bed to walk closer to me. He is confused but seems to be really caring right now. "Are you ashamed of me, Cal?" I ask, slipping into my jeans. "What are you talking about?" "I am going to ask you again. Are you ashamed of me? Are you ashamed you are dating a trans woman?" I ask him, staring straight into his eyes. "Of course not. What has gotten into you?" He asks me, taking a step forward and placing his hand on my shoulder. I dodge him, moving aside to distance myself from him. "(Y/N), what is the matter?" "I don't know, Calum. Look at your friends... They want to bring their girlfriends to the event. I wonder why you haven't thought of doing the same." I finish dressing up, pushing him aside to walk out of the room.

A day goes by and I have no news from Calum, not a call, nor a text. I lie to myself, saying that it is fine, but it really isn't. I cannot bear the thought I spent six months of my life falling for someone who is not proud to be with me. I take my grilled cheese out of my grill, cutting it in half before hopping on top of one of the stools. Before I could take a bite my doorbell rings. I know it is Calum, I just know it. I leave my plate on the island, standing up and walking to my door. I take a quick look at the entrance camera, just to make sure it is him. I buzz him in, not taking my eyes off the screen as he gets inside. Calum is behind my door in record time, knocking on it softly. I waste no time opening the door, gesturing for him to get in. "Hi." I greet him. "Hi. Is it a bad time?" He asks me, scratching the back of his neck. "No, I was having dinner. Come on..." I motion towards the kitchen, followed by a quiet Calum. "Can I offer you something? I made myself a grilled cheese, would you like to split?" I ask him, taking a sit on my stool. Calum does the same, sitting across from me. "No, thank you. You forgot your phone yesterday, you left in a rush." He reaches inside his pocket, taking my phone out and sliding it across the marble top. "Thanks. I didn't realize I forgot my phone." "I tried calling you in the morning, of course, no answer, and I thought you were mad at me." He rests his hands on the counter, looking at me as if he is trying to read me. "You weren't wrong. I was mad." I reply, looking at my plate, suddenly losing my appetite. "Are you still?" He asks me, his slight lisp coming out; he only gets that when he is upset, or stressed, so I get why it appeared now. "Kinda. I am more disappointed than angry, to be honest." I admit. Calum sighs, running his hand over his face. "We had a meeting today with management. I told them I will not be having anyone else but my girlfriend at the show. That's it if you want to come with me." "What if I am not coming with you?" "Then I will be going alone. I don't want anyone else with me." He smiles softly reaching to stroke his thumb over my hand. "I guess you will be going alone, then." I reply; I am careful with my voice, not raising it a bit. This isn't an angry response, nor a payback. "(Y/N), please..." "No, Calum. I don't want you taking me along just because I asked for it. Nor as a compromise. You didn't want me with you in the first place, so I am not coming." I reply. Calum looks at the ceiling, taking in a deep breath. "There is a reason I didn't..." He begins. "Yeah, I know. Calum, I am a proud woman. I told you that from the very beginning. I want someone who will be proud of me. I want someone who will love me enough to take me places. I offered you time when you told me you like me. And you said you don't need any. Now what, Calum?" "The reason I didn't think of taking you with me is because I don't want people messing up with my personal life. There is a reason why there are only rumors about my exes. I don't want people to lose sight of what I am doing with my music. I don't want to minimize what we have to some yellow-page article about cheating rumors." "Why are you inviting me now, then?" "Because I love you. And I know this is important for you. And I want to make you happy." I stay quiet for a moment, letting everything sink in. "Look, the show is in 2 weeks. Take your time, no pressure." He breaks the silence, picking the invitation out of his pocket. "I don't want us to break up over this..." "I don't want us either." I sigh. "I think we need a break..." I admit, looking at my fingers to avoid Calum's gaze. "Are you breaking up with me?" He asks me, sounding shocked over my suggestion. "No. Of course not, Calum. I am leaving for New York in a couple of days, for the Savage x Fenty and the Fenty Beauty promo shoot. I think we should use the time apart to reflect. Again, I am giving you time to think about what our relationship means to you, and how being with me affects you. But this time, I am taking time myself to do the same." I explain, placing my hand on top of his. "I don't have anything to think of." He says softly, his voice barely above a whisper. "You do. And I do too. And this trip is what we need after this..." I assure him. "(Y/N), I love you..." He looks me in the eye, softening his face. "I know, Calum. And I love you too." "A break doesn't mean we are breaking up..." Calum utters, nodding his head as he finally gives up. "It doesn't." I nod my head, smiling at him; my smile is not a happy one, it is covered with my sorrow, a sorrow that comes from knowing that nothing will be the same between us. Calum stands up, walking around the island slowly. He leans down, planting a kiss on my forehead. "I will see you after New York..." He mutters and I nod. "Yeah." "We can still call each other during the break, right?" He asks me. "Of course. This isn't goodbye, Calum." "This isn't goodbye." He repeats.

(Calum's POV) "Any news from (Y/N)?" Ashton asks as he helps me with the cufflinks of the shirt. "She is fine, working lots in New York. We haven't spoken in days." I sigh, tilting my head back. "When is she coming home?" He asks me. "I wish I knew. I feel like I am losing her, Ash... Stupid, stupid me..." I press my palm against my head, a headache already forming between my eyes. "No, Calum. I am sure everything will be alright. When she gets back home, you will sit down and have a talk, and you will figure things out. But you should really stop worrying for now. It is doing you no good..." He pats my back softly. "I guess you are right." I sigh, picking up my jacket. "Are you sure you will be fine walking the carpet alone? You are always welcome to join me and Kaitlin." He offers but I shake my head. "I told (Y/N) I wouldn't be walking the carpet with anyone else but her, and I plan on keeping that promise." I assure him.

I am the last of my group to walk the carpet, leaving the couples to have the spotlight on them for a while. My stomach is tied in a knot and I cannot help but feel alone tonight. I hoped, I truly hoped she would show up to my hotel room, knock on my door and tell me she is here, but it never happened, so the emptiness inside me grows. I smile at the cameras flashing, waving politely towards a couple of people trying to get my attention. I move forward, hoping this walk of flashes is nearing an end soon. I cannot wait to go inside and scowl all I want, without fear of it being captured by the stupid press at the event. I feel a tap on my shoulder, making me turn around in a snap. It's her. She is here. She is looking at me as she waits to see my response, but I am frozen on my spot, my heartbeat ringing in my ears. "Hi." She says, her glare changing to a worried one as it has taken me way too long to respond. I hug her to my chest, tightening my arms around her to fully feel her against my body. "What are you doing here?" I ask, resting my chin on top of her head. "You said you would walk the carpet alone if I didn't come. I didn't want you being through this alone, I know you are not very comfortable with red carpet events." She mumbles, tilting her head back to look at me. "I missed you." "I missed you too." She admits, smiling at me. My headache is gone and my body feels warm as I look at her, flesh and bones before me. "Please, don't leave me alone again..." I plead and she nods her head. "I am not planning to." She assures me. I place my arm on her waist, pulling her to my body before I lean in to kiss her. I have missed her taste and her soft lips, and the way she feels against me, and how softly she kisses me back. Oh, I have missed her. "There will be pictures of us kissing everywhere..." She giggles as we part, hiding her face in her hands. "I guess there will be." I plant a kiss on her forehead, placing my hand on the small of her back to guide her further down the red carpet.

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jenospeach · 4 years

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wildflowers for you

𝒔𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒚: y/n has feelings for lee jeno, the kind hufflepuff who captures everyone’ hearts with his eyes and his smile. little does she know, her feelings aren’t one-sided.

𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈: Hufflepuff!Lee Jeno x Reader

𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒓𝒆: fluff, hogwarts au

𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕: 2.5k

𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: none

𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓’𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆: the world of harry potter holds a special place in my heart so hearing what morals JK Rowling supports is beyond disappointing. she goes against her heroes’ own values and with such a narrow-minded view on gender and trans/trans women rights, I can see how she wrote the character of Voldemort so well. I don’t want hogwarts au fics to have a direct link with not supporting trans women rights but stay what they initially were, an escape from reality. Nonetheless, if this fic stirs anger within you, kindly let me know and I’ll take it down. Trans women are women.

p.s.: this is my first fic, feedback is welcomed!

Hufflepuff!Jeno is the sweetheart who sits across from you in Herbology. By what seems like a mighty amount of luck, you’ve always sat across from him ever since your first year. You aren't complaining, though. Jeno greeting you before every class is the best gift someone could ask for.

It might have been those soft locks of his that shimmer like honey under the sun’s rays. Or that famous smile that many Hogwarts students gush about in the hallways outside of the class. The one that reaches his cheeks, turning his eyes into "moon crescents", like had said a Ravenclaw last week. It might as well have been the time the twinkle in Jeno's eyes caught your eye. When he was admiring the flowers in front him, the pink and white hues of the wildflowers popping against the tone of his skin. You couldn't help but linger your gaze on him. At least until he looked past the flowers and locked his gaze with yours. It came as a surprise when, instead of mocking you or ignoring you, he softened up and greeted you for the first time. It might have been that. Or, it might have been the innumerable times he’s left you speechless with his talents and kindness. Whatever it was, you’ve found yourself fallen in love with Jeno.

With the sun reaching its peak and the small gusts of wind cooling the warm air, today was one of the softest summer days. It would be a lie if you said your smile wasn’t due to the certainty that you’d be seeing Jeno today. Of course, with spring turning into summer and the bright flowers blossoming at last, filling the air with what seemed like the definition of love, your smile couldn't help but stay.

Once sat at what became your regular spot over the years, you set your books down and greeted the few classmates that were already in class. You look up to notice the foggy windowpanes letting the sunrays through, turning the greens of the plants into vibrant tones. A shuffle and snicker snap you out of your observation, forcing you to take in the presence next to you.

"What are you daydreaming about now y/n?" your dorm roommate asks you, her tone implying something you'd rather not admit.

"Daydreaming about how noisy that nose of yours is," you roll your eyes at her arms sneaking around your own. "Your allergies acting up again?"

With a sniffle she answers, "Yeaah, are you gonna make me that potion you promised? I don't want what happened last year to happen again..."

You easily remember last year how her allergies had gotten the best of her during this class. Her loud sneezes becoming a constant background noise and eventually annoying the entirety of the classroom. By high demand, you had to escort her to the nursery. Why they still haven't made a potion for allergies remains a mystery to the both of you. Considering the neighbouring hills and land are filled with a variety of wildflowers, the making of a potion should be easy.

"Of course I'm making you your potion, silly. I want to save myself from the embarrassment of last year. I just have to pick up the insane number of flowers you’re allergic to after class, but I think I should be done by tonight.” You pat her head that’s nuzzling onto your shoulder.

“Okay, I’ll try to survive until then.” Your friend trails off while closing her eyes. You smile at her adorableness and tuck the few strands of hair falling onto her face behind her ear.

As much joy your friend’s presence brings you, you can’t help your thoughts being brought to Jeno. Class is starting soon yet he still isn’t here. And it’s not like him to skip a class, he always shows up. As if on cue, Professor Sprouts walks through the door and claps her hands. The sound is muffled due to her mud stained mittens but it’s enough to snap you out of your thoughts.

“To your seats!”

Packing up your things after class is a slow process when your mind is elsewhere, wondering endlessly about where Jeno could have possibly been. Mind too busy running with thoughts, you don’t notice the Hufflepuff shuffling on his two feet next to you.

“Hey Y/n?”

Your head snaps up and you see one of the Beaters of the Hufflepuff team looking at you nervously, his eyes occasionally darting to the entrance of the class.

“Yes, can I help you?” You straighten yourself out and put down your assignment papers on the wooden table in front of you.

He smiles brightly and pulls out some familiar papers, extending his arm to give it to you. “Would you mind giving this to Jeno? I’ve got practice in a few minutes and can’t afford being late again” You barely have time to take the papers from him before he’s grabbing his quidditch bag and chucking it over his shoulder. “Thanks a lot y/n, I owe you one!” he says as he jogs to exit the door.

“Um. Yeah. You’re welcome...” you say to the now empty classroom.

With a handful of papers, you make your way to the school’s gardens and carefully inspect which plants your and Jeno’s assignments are going to be needing. Sadly, each assignment was different meaning none of your needed ingredients are going to be the same as Jeno’s. Nonetheless, you grab some scissors and begin the meticulous process of cutting each plants’ stems. With minutes passing by with ease, your doubled-number of jars fill up quickly. After your last jar is labelled with the correct plant, you leave the garden to go to the wildflowers field. Your friend’s allergy is pretty general, any kind of pollen can set her off. So, with the same scissors as earlier, you pick pairs of as many kinds as you can, eventually creating a bouquet of all sorts of colors. Standing up, thick bouquet in one arm, your eyes pick up a familiar hue of pink and white. Those were the flowers Jeno was admiring on that day. You squat down once more, picking up five of the flowers and adding them to your bouquet.

Back in the school’s hallways, you figured you’d check out the Hufflepuff common room to see if Jeno might be there. Readjusting your bouquet, which weighted a lot more than you expected and cramped up your arms with each step you took, you walked to the Grand Staircase and damn did that bouquet really become a problem now. You were able to make it up halfway up until the petals tickled your nose and your arms begged for a rest. So, you stop and readjust yourself as you hear someone’s steps echoing, indicating they were coming down. You shuffle to the side of the stairs, allowing whoever seemed in a rush to pass by without a worry but the steps stopped in front of you.

“Do you need any help with those?”

Jeno. Although you’re frozen in place, you don’t feel cold. Quite the opposite your cheeks heat up and your heart beats against your chest. You spare a glance at the flowers closer to you, hoping they aren’t moving in rhythm with your heartbeat.

You know there’s no chance it isn’t him, but your head thinks it’s still playing trick with itself. “...Jeno?” You ask, trying to peek over the bundle of flowers.

You can’t see it but Jeno jumps a little at the sound of your voice. His eyes widen and a smile quickly creeps up onto his lips. He reaches over the top of the bouquet and delicately pushes the higher flowers to the side. Your gazes lock again. Butterflies burst in your chest while his cheeks redden. Jeno doesn’t really remember how to breathe, as silly as it sounds. That doesn’t stop him from smiling.

“I wasn’t expecting to bump into you today.” he breaks the long silence that had settled between the two of you.

“I’m sorry?” you ask, lowering your flowers. Daze broken by not quite understanding what he meant by that.

“I mean I didn’t go to class because I didn’t want to bump into you.” Shit. Jeno realizes how badly that came out the second it leaves his mouth and he sees your eyebrows furrow together. He panics, the look on your face, sadness and disappointment written all over it, makes him scramble to form a coherent explanation.

“I mean! Um... I didn’t go to class because I didn’t want you- I mean the class, to get sick!” his hands come up and you see the embarrassment in his eyes. “I caught a small cold because I was out last night...”

“Oh...” That’s a much nicer reason than what’d you’d begun to think of. Thankfully he didn’t start hating you all of a sudden. “Oh!” you exclaim as you remember his papers that were in your bag. “I have your assignment with me! Here, follow me.” you say as you walk to the nearby hallway, searching through your bag as best as possible with your cramping arms and the bouquet being balancing with one arm.

Jeno’s laugh from behind stops you in your tracks and as you turn around, you’re faced with your bag being lifted off your shoulders and dropped onto his own. His kindness is too much, your chest tightening and fingertips twitching by the urge to reach up to his red cheeks and stroking them and telling him how much you-

“Y/n? Are you coming?”

Shit, shit. You really need to stop falling into a daze whenever you stare at Jeno. It’s hard not to though, especially if his eyes are looking at you so intensely that it lights up sparks in the pit of your stomach. The tiny explosions his gaze sets off in you have become addictive and you can only hope that he looks at you more often.

“Ye-Yes, I’m coming...”

You follow him to the stony hallway and place your bouquet of flowers on the ground at your feet. As troublesome it’ll be to pick up the dozens of them, you need to grab those papers from your bag.

“Um,” you inch a step closer to Jeno and reach for the papers inside your bag. “Your assignment is in my bag.”

You decide not to look up at him, knowing how easily you’ll get lost in his eyes if you do. Feeling his own eyes on you while you search through your bag isn’t any better, however. It burns through you and you’re forced to gulp down the emotions you feel and fear are about to spill at any moment by the little distance between you and Jeno.

With the papers signed Lee Jeno in hand, you mindfully take a step back, avoiding the flowers sprawled on the floor point. You breathe in deeply, never realizing how little air you were taking in for the past few minutes, and squat down to pick up your flowers.

“Was that all?”

You don’t miss the hint of playfulness in his voice, easily imagining the prettiest of grins on his lips. You know that the papers aren’t the only thing that you want to give to him. A confession having been bottled inside you for so long is what you really want to give him but the fear of rejection and looking like a complete fool in front of him, someone you’ve admired for years, is way too big. You think today is going to be like any other time you’ve had to push down your feelings but that thought soon dies out when you see the pink and white laying on the cobbled floor. You put down the flowers you’d previously picked up and take the five you specifically picked for Jeno earlier today.

Standing up with a very unstable courage, your only hope being those flowers that you’re now gripping onto. Blinking up at Jeno, your mind hurriedly goes through all the moments you’ve shared with him, moments that drove you mad because of how much your chest and head would warm up and buzz. Moments you’ve told yourself it was impossible that they meant anything more. The snickers from his friends whenever you were nearby didn’t meant anything nor did his nervous laughter when they’d shove him towards you.

“No, I-I picked these for you.” Jeno’s eyes gleam once they land on the flowers that you’re holding out to him. His mind takes him back to the same day you’ve kept rethinking about. The day he saw what he thought were the prettiest flowers, colors popping next to each other. Twiddling the stems of the flowers around, that’s when he noticed you. The colors of the flowers seemed like nothing compared to the color of your hair and your eyes. That same sun that made his hair shimmer like honey made yours gleam.

Your voice rings in his ears, “I thought of you when I saw these in the garden, and I couldn’t help myself. I figured I could give them to you, if you’d like to of course.”

The same as now, your flowers aren’t what Jeno is focusing on. He looks in your eyes for signs that would mean anything opposite of what he’s leading himself to believe but he sees none, only anticipation of his answer and your red dusted cheeks. You were beautiful, there was no lie in that. But Jeno’s heart leapt at the consideration and care behind your every action. Always looking out for others and putting their comfort over you own, he wanted to be the one to give you back the same kind of love you’ve been giving.

“And they remind me of you.” Jeno says as he takes the flowers from you, his other hand replacing the flowers you were previously holding. “Y/n, tell me I’m not getting ahead of myself…”

The two of you are as close as you’ve ever been now. Hands still intertwined; you gently grip his robe. To stabilize you or to bring him closer, you don’t know. But you don’t feel like letting go.

“You’re not.”

“Then can I... can I kiss you?”

“Please.”

The two of you lean in at the same time, meeting each other halfway. The smell of Jeno — faint soap and cotton — mixes with the smell of the wildflowers, with the tingle at the tip of your lips and with the burn of your interlaced hand, overwhelming you amazingly. The sparks inside of you explode like never before and you smile into the kiss. Jeno feels your lips perch up and he can’t resist smiling with you, his hand squeezing yours as to let you know this is real. He pulls away slowly, his chest rising and falling a bit quicker than before, but he softly places his forehead against yours. You calm him down and make him nervous at the same time, he can’t help but let out a hearted laugh, one that you feel rumbling in your own chest.

“You most definitely have my germs now.”

“For you, I don’t mind.”

#nct #nct imagines #nct fluff #jeno fluff #jeno imagines #hogwarts au #nct hogwarts au #jeno hogwarts au #hufflepuff jeno #nct-writers

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too-attached-to-fiction · 4 years

Text

I’ve Loved You Since We were Kids | h.p.

GIF IS NOT RELATED AKFJLKSD

Masterlist here

Word count: 1013

Request: Hello! Could you write an imagine for Harry Potter where the reader is a muggle and his neighbor at privet drive, she has always been nice to him and both of them have feelings for each other and is just fluff?

A/N: this is so cute! I wish it could have been written differently but I still feel okay with the results. Thanks for the request anon! For my older requests, sorry it’s taken so long, I’m finally finished with finals and officially done with high school!

IMPORTANT: Regarding JK Rowling’s recent tweets, I’d just like to say that trans rights are human rights, black trans lives matter, and none of my work is meant to be exclusive just because the author of HP is xenophobic.

~~~

Number 5 Privet Drive was nothing special. It looked nearly identical to Number 4, something you often noted quietly. Even though they looked the same, the families in those houses differed vastly.

Honestly, you weren’t exactly sure why your parents chose to get along with the Dursleys. But Vernon frequented the bakery that your father owned, and so you were forced to be nice to the vile family.

You went to school with Dudley as well, and while he was generally nice to you because of his crush, your real interest was in his cousin, Harry.

Harry was a small kid - short and skinny, with glasses that were almost always half broken - and the Dursleys never mentioned him much. You believed they didn’t want to admit that he existed, even if they did live with each other. Your mother worried about the boy as much as you did, asking if he could join you when you went to have dinner with the family.

Truth be told, you were Harry’s only friend. At school, you chose to sit next to him, rambling aimlessly and bringing him lunch that your mother packed specifically for him. On weekends, you counted down the hours until you could see him again. You wrote letters for him to read if he ever got lonely.

The year you turned 11, Harry left for a private boarding school. This gave the Dursleys even more reason to pretend he didn’t exist, despite your insistent questioning. As the years went by, you saw him less and less, although he would write the occasional letter, with smudged ink on old parchment.

The Dursleys eventually moved away, and you started college. You still lived at home, but every once in a while, you’d look into their old yard and wonder what happened to them.

One afternoon, while you were studying out on the front lawn, a young man approached Privet Drive with his hands tucked into his pockets, looking at the houses. He stopped in front of Number Five, in front of you.

“Pardon me, you wouldn’t know what happened to the family that lived here? They had a girl, my age.” He said, and you looked up at him.

“We’re still here.” You said with a smile. “I reckon we’re the only ones left on this street that lived here ten years ago.”

“(Y/N)? It’s Harry.” He took a second look at you. Your books were scattered all over the lawn, a typewriter in front of you. You smiled up at him, standing and moving to pull him into a tight embrace.

“You’ve certainly grown.” You said, letting your hands crawl up into his hair and tug it gently. You stepped back. “Would you like to come in for some tea? My parents are still at work, but seeing you will be a pleasant surprise, I’m sure.”

“Alright.” He agreed. “Do you need help with the books-”

“Would you mind taking the typewriter in for me?” You asked. “I’ll get the books.”

Minutes later, you brought two cups to the kitchen table, where Harry was sitting. “How have you been?” You asked, sitting down and bringing the cup immediately to your lips.

“Busy.” He admitted. “I’m training for my new job at the moment. It’s a government position. You continued your studies?”

“I’m studying to be a nurse.” You nodded, placing the cup down. “I suspect you know your family doesn’t live here anymore.”

“I didn’t come here for them. I wanted to find you.” The temperature suddenly felt colder to you, and you blinked rather owlishly at him.

“Why?”

“I missed you.”

“You could have called or sent a letter.” You pointed out. “Where have you been for the last few years?”

He grimaced, looking away. “Later. It’s a long story. Tell me about you?”

As you talked, Harry found himself leaning closer, eager to learn more about what you had done in the years he’d been away from Little Whinging. You told him about your new friends at college, and he mentioned - very carefully - parts of his own school years.

Soon enough, you started reminiscing about your younger years, laughing into the evening. Your mother called to say that they’d be at the bakery until the early hours of the morning, and to not wait up.

“Would you like to stay for dinner?” You offered. He agreed, watching you as you moved around the kitchen nearly effortlessly.

“I remember your mother always packed my lunch after she found out the Dursleys weren’t giving me any.” Harry laughed. “Your family always made me feel as if I was one of your own.”

“You were.” You are, you wanted to say. There’s still a chair open for you.

“And you were always so nice to me. Remember the letters we wrote to each other?”

“We were convinced that we were going to be friends forever.” You said, smiling sadly down at the pot of water you were boiling for the pasta.

“I wanted to call, but I was barely in contact with the Dursleys, and I thought you’d moved on by the time I found a way.” Harry said, leaning on the counter next to the stove.

“I never stopped thinking of you.” You looked at him. “You were my best friend, how could I forget?”

You watched as he swallowed nervously, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. “I’d like to take you out. Before I left, you gave me a letter saying that you fancied me. Do you still feel the same?”

“We were eleven.” You shook your head. “If anything, your absence made my feelings for you even stronger, which was ridiculous-”

“Do you?” He asked. “Say you don’t and I’ll drop it.”

You looked at him, nodding shyly. “We could say this is the first date.”

“That sounds wonderful.”

The two of you looked at each other for a moment, before you tugged him closer into a kiss. When you finally pulled away, you grinned. “Sorry, I couldn’t wait any longer.”

His only response was to kiss you again.

#harry potter #harry potter fanfic #harry potter imagines #harry james potter imagines #harry potter x reader #hp #wizarding world #dursley family #fluff #requested

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scripttorture · 4 years

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Do you have advice on portraying mental disorders to the public in a way that makes sense? How does one portray multiple disorders at once while making it clear they’re the result of torture? Do you usually name them in the story? I can portray disorders + symptoms that come with mental health problems resulting from torture, but I feel like I’m battling public ignorance before even getting to debunking myths about torture. I have the information, but I don’t know how to portray it organically.

I can tell you what I do, but I think that whether that will work for you or not partly depends on how you approach writing.

If what I say doesn’t fit with your writing style that isn’t a failing and it doesn’t mean you’re ‘doing it wrong’. I don’t think there is one sure fire way to write a complex topic well. And honestly the fact that you’re putting in the time to research and practice is probably more important then any advice I have to give.

I don’t always name mental health problems in my stories. I appreciate that some people think you always should. Usually because they say if you name a disorder the readers can’t deny it or pretend it’s something else.

I have a friend in one of my writing groups. He’s writing a wonderful adventure story with a Deaf protagonist. He repeatedly describes the character as Deaf and all of her communication is in sign language.

He has still had feedback from people six chapters into the story saying they did not realise the character was Deaf.

Here’s my take away from this: While it is important to try your best with anything you portray it is also important to accept that some people just Will Not Get It despite your best efforts.

Shout out to the person who thought I was discussing trans people when I spoke about historical pre-pubertal eunuchs.

Start by thinking about who you’re writing for. What does your ideal reader look like? Whose feedback do you hope for?

Because I think there’s a big difference in how we approach the story/conversation when we’re expecting to talk to people with experience vs people without.

Most of the time I’m writing for trauma survivors. I hope I’m writing stories that other people will enjoy. But I accept in the writing that a lot of people without experience of these things might not… quite connect the dots.

It sounds like you want to write for people who aren’t survivors. To educate. That is just as valid and valuable. It’s a very different approach though.

When I think about naming a mental health problem I think about how that name fits into the story. The main character in my current story is about 11-13. She’s spent a fair amount of time with two adult survivors. But I’m not sure if she has the knowledge or vocabulary to label what she’s seeing and I’m not sure if anyone else would say it to her.

So I put those mental health problems in to the way these characters behave and the way their daughter talks to her friend about her parents.

That approach may not work if the majority of your intended audience have no knowledge about mental health.

And for me in this story that’s part of the point. I expect that a lot of readers will be taken aback when they find out what these characters have lived through and realise that what they’ve seen up to now are symptoms not ‘quirky character flaws’. I expect that to prompt some thought and questioning*.

Linking these illnesses to torture was easy in this particular set of stories because the readers will (eventually) see the characters before and after torture. The change happens in front of them.

Generally I think that’s a good way of establishing the link: explicitly showing the character before and after trauma and highlighting the changes. That can be directly as part of the story, but it can also be done through other characters talking about the past (which can help establish relationships and characters) and by having the survivors themselves reminisce about ‘before’.

It’s also important to remember that you can show symptoms developing without showing torture itself. There’s nothing wrong with choosing to show quiet moments with the character in a cell, even if we’re told they’re cliché. Use every moment that you can make powerful.

There’s also nothing wrong with jumping around in the time line and telling a story in a non-linear fashion. My general point here is that there are a lot of ways you can bring up the character’s past and how they’ve changed.

You can also have a character explicitly state that these symptoms are expected, normal responses to a horrendous situation. Any characters who are doctors, mental health professionals or some types of social workers would be good fits for that. Depending on how you structure the story religious figures (who may be involved in anti-torture work or helping survivors) could work.

If there are other survivor characters then having a discussion between them about what it changed could be a good organic way to bring that up while bringing the characters closer together.

Circling back to writing mental health problems- I do think sometimes a lack of an explicit label can help communicate the experience. I think sometimes people get so caught up on the diagnosis and what they think it means that they don’t engage with anything that goes against that preconceived notion. But… whenever you don’t make something explicit in the text you’re leaving it up to the reader to decide how to interpret it. You’re taking a risk to trust this stranger who picked up your story.

I get the feeling the main thing here is writing it all organically and the fear of messing up.

That’s understandable. Any writing already asks that we juggle. Adding in torture and mental health problems and committing to doing them well adds a lot more implements into the air.

And I guarantee that practice will help. It always does.

Personally I’ve been writing mental health problems for so long that a lot of it has become instinctual. It’s an ingrained part of how I write (for better or worse). Making symptoms an organic part of the character is about making them a part of every aspect of a character’s life.

Which sounds harder then it is. It’s about thinking things through and filtering them through the character’s personality/motivations.

Because as much as we can hope to get a message across primarily we are telling stories. And everything needs to serve that.

Let’s have some examples. I’m going to use two characters from two different stories, Kibwe and Ilāra. Kibwe made a full physical recover from torture. Ilāra ended up with a single below knee amputation. And while there is some overlap in the symptoms I chose for them they’re very different people.

Kibwe’s long term symptoms are memory loss, intrusive memories, hypervigilance and chronic pain and I’m toying with the idea of adding in inaccurate memories as well.

His memory problems are an integral part of his character arc and motivation through the stories he’s in. Despite knowing intellectually that they are a normal response to trauma Kibwe sees them as a personal failing. They made it impossible for him to bring charges and that fed into feelings of guilt and self-blame.

Which is what drives him to stand up for other people.

Every heroic action he takes in the story, every time he puts himself between someone else and harm, is coming out of his own experience of memory loss and possibly inaccurate memories. It’s all because trying to do the sensible thing and report what happened to the police left him feeling useless, powerless.

His intrusive memories feed into this as well. They serve as constant reminders that strengthen his resolve.

In the parts of the story from his perspective all of these memory problems and the effect they have are obvious and there inclusion is natural. Because they colour every single thing he does.

In the parts of the story that are from other perspectives it’s less obvious what the problem is but there is still clearly A Problem.

His intrusive memories are pauses in the middle of doing or saying something. They’re the moments when he screws his eyes shut and breathes deep and has to ask the other characters to repeat themselves. They’re the way he flinches at ordinary things and the way he flies off the handle anytime someone brings beer into his workplace.

His chronic pain is in the days when he can’t do his job. When his hands shake and he snaps. When he takes his frustrations out with the wrong words to the wrong people. And in the distant, awkward way he tries to make amends afterwards.

Internally he barely acknowledges his hypervigilance. But externally he always positions himself so that he can clearly see anyone else in the room. He can always see the exits. He twitches, he turns his head a lot to keep other people in view. And if he can’t see everyone, can’t see a way out then his speech starts to get biting, his anger leaks through.

In contrast Ilāra is very very aware of their own hypervigilance.

They track the people around them and the terrain and rationalise it as sensible. As a precaution. As keeping themselves and others safe. So a portion of any part of the narrative from their perspective is about that: Ilāra's internal paranoid risk assessments.

They also have learning difficulties, which are more obvious from outside perspectives. Because Ilāra has a proud streak; they’re not stupid, they can get by just fine. They’re just letting their friends/found-family help out because it makes them happy. Ilāra does not actually need help.

Contrast with the perspectives of the other characters who are very aware that Ilāra can’t manage a budget. Without help they really can’t manage their own money well enough to keep themselves fed, housed and clothed. Because they never learnt how.

And again this comes up organically because it’s a big part of Ilāra's relationships. There’s a strange push-pull: Ilāra's hypervigilance internally rationalised as protecting these few valued people and those same people stepping in to do the things Ilāra can’t.

They also experience chronic pain. Though I’m unsure whether this is primarily because of torture or because they lost a limb. And in a way the distinction doesn’t matter. Regardless of the cause it is there.

They’re actually a lot better at dealing with it then Kibwe, because they’re much better at lying, acting and disguising their own distress.

Ilāra's other symptoms are less immediately obvious in the narrative but again, they underpin everything.

Ilāra struggles to relate to people, to really value them as people and they are incredibly socially isolated. Their entire social circle is essentially their family and their work colleagues and there is a lot of overlap in that Venn diagram.

They don’t know how to honestly relate to other people. They play parts, putting on masks to get by.

And this comes into the story with every interaction they have. It’s the contrast between their attempts at calculation around outsiders (and how often they’re rejected/dismissed) and their incredibly intense attachment to this small circle of people.

I’m not sure what the end point of Ilāra's character arc is yet. But one of the things that keeps coming up is the question of who they are away from this small circle of valued people. And whether they can value their own life when they can’t ‘protect’ the people they love.

Writing all of this out has made me realise something: it’s a lot easier to bring up symptoms organically when those symptoms become an intrinsic part of the character.

And that can be difficult to grasp at the first attempt. Or the tenth. Or the hundredth.

We are taught to assume health, be it mental or physical. That people have two legs and functional pancreases and don’t relive violent attacks every time they smell beer.

Part of writing these things organically (for me anyway) is breaking that internal image. It’s… building a mind that’s a different shape.

For both of these characters their symptoms are tied to important parts of the long term plot as well as their everyday experience.

Kibwe would be a different person without his memory problems. They inform what he values, how he acts and the ethical lines he draws for himself. His intrusive memories impact his daily life and so does his chronic pain and hypervigilance. And this in turn impacts his relationships with the other characters, some of whom are more forgiving/understanding of his ‘moods’ then others.

Ilāra is driven by their isolation and struggle to connect to others. It leads to them putting incredible weight and value on the few relationships they do have. And that drives them to act, to take risks. Fundamentally they fear loss and however calculating and cunning they can be that fear makes them do some idiotic things. Things that effect the plot and every other character.

Hypervigilance and learning difficulties are their everyday experience. The tension they feel in crowds. The way they assess unfamiliar environments. The way they’ll hand over their pay check to a daughter-figure with a joke and tell themselves that she’s just fussing. The way they’ll get up in the middle of the night and count every item of food in the house.

Writing mental health problems in an understandable way is like writing any other disability. It’s making it part of the character without it being the whole of the character. It’s recognising how any condition limits a character and having a clear view of when those limits are internal (ie the condition itself) versus external (societal, behavioural expectations, other people etc.)

Including these things naturally means constructing scenes that are working at multiple levels. If symptoms impact how the characters relate to each other then they fit naturally into any important relationship moments. If symptoms impact the character’s everyday life then it’s natural for the character to consider them before taking an important action.

When symptoms are related to a character’s long term motivation then it doesn’t feel jarring that they’d come up over and over again. In the same way that bringing up a character’s big-brother figure feels right when you’ve established they have an important, character defining bond.

It takes practice. Writing is work and it takes a lot of skill to make it look effortless.

Right now I think the most important thing to take away is this: keep trying. Write and write and write. Don’t let the fear of getting things wrong stop you from getting better.

I hope that helps. :)

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

*Yes I expect a lot from my readers.

#writing advice #tw torture #writing survivors #writing torture #writing recovery #writing symptoms #choosing symptoms #mental health #mental illness in fiction #disability

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urlocalbunny · 3 years

Text

DISCLAIMER AND EDIT: I posted this before, I know, I know lmao but I didn't mean to lol. I just got out of the house meaning to proofread my requests and my other prompts and when I came back, it was to the notes and someone sent a lovely message explaining to me that I shouldn't use the term transexual and I was confused to why they'd tell me that when I knew it was transgender, then I realized the hc was posted and my autocorrector corrected it TWICE. On Raphael and Vlad if I'm correct. Please don't use that term, it's not right and I just left it so I could proofread and replace it. lol I'm really sorry if you thought I was dumb (esp the cutie who warned me, thank yooooo!) But I assure you I'm not and I know. I took the words off my keyboard right now ;(.

Hello, anonie! I'm so glad you entrusted me with this request and please, feel free to request anything else if you want, I'd like to hear you feel comfortable reading my hcs!

I know many trans people have many different things they like or don't like while they change like clothing, pronouns, the way people behave around them and so on, so I tried to put different situations, some casual, some dramatic (Beliath cofcof). Hope you enjoy it, I'm nervous :( I also didn't state you were dating, just maybe starting something because I'm not sure if all the readers would commit to a relationship without telling their partner they're trans first!

Aaron:

Aaron has a great snout. His guts were also very good indicators, but he couldn't quite decipher why you seemed so down. Of course, there are many things happening to you that shouldn't, but your sadness seemed focused on something else.

You did mind your condition tied to him, but something else made being a chalice pale in comparison. He noticed that you didn't like when people talked about some topics with you and you seemed very overwhelmed, so he tried to make people back off subtly. He was worried about you.

were you depressed? Are you sad because the house wasn't what you expected? Do you want them to leave this badly? Do you wish you chose somebody else? Little by little, he got more and more confused.

One day, he was sitting on the Parlor, wondering how he'd hide the mud stains on the floor. You walked closer and closer to him, he could feel the tingling. Your eyes, however, were shining with a little resentment and determination. You sat down and explained to him you didn't feel comfortable being addressed as the gender and name assigned to you at birth and asked if at least him from all people could treat you as who you actually were.

He blinked in shock after you said it in one go and panted, gears snapping on his head. The way you felt uncomfortable over the compliments in the party because they regarded your gender assigned at birth, how you furrowed your brows when they called your name, when he felt what was like to be you and suddenly, you felt like you weren't controlling your own life anymore.

He sniffed. "I'm so sorry. I couldn't notice." his arms tightened around you, lips kissing your temple and a hot tear sliding down his face. He could sometimes feel when you suffered quietly, and all he had to do was comprehend the signals, yet he failed you.

"The fact that I'll change doesn't matter to you?" "It does bother me that you're so surprised, and I don't know the name of the person I love, but if you tell me, we can kick it from there."

Your teary eyes and your happy nod made him give you a rare, genuine beam.

Raphael:

Raphael also could always sense your sadness and honestly, the first thing he thought was that he was the source, because every time you were with him, you felt gloomy and he could tell.

You never really felt comfortable when he called you Miss/Mister, and sometimes even your name felt bad to your ears and he knew it. He tried to talk to you then and ask you if you wanted him to call you something else, but your surprised reaction wasn't something he expected.

"What do you know?" "Apparently, nothing much, given that you seem like you're finding it hard to talk to me."

He got really sad but almost at the same time he regretted what he said. He felt like you'd think he was guilt tripping you. He tried to reach for you hand, but you beat him to it, sitting down and trying to find the words to say, but nothing came out but the raw truth.

"Raphael, I'm transgender."

He sputtered. "What do you mean? Hum-"

"I mean I don't identify myself with my gender assigned at birth."

"oh, that's what I was trying to recall." he got silent. Then he opened his mouth and closed it, "I do know you don't need my approval. But I want you to know I support you. I love you. My God, do you, perhaps, not like yourself?! Because if you don't, I-" his voice came out shocked in the last sentence, so you had to intervene before he got too aggravated.

"No, Raphael. That means I'll change and I didn't think- well, all of this would happen." He nodded.

"My chalice. I love you for who you are. Doesn't matter how much your appearance changes. You're already who you are in my eyes. I can do whatever you need."

You both smiled warmly at each other, hugging. This wasn't about acceptance or validation to you, but knowing you could finally come clean and stand your ground to the person you secretly liked was reassuring.

Beliath

Beliath always thought everything was breeze, flowers and champagne with your friends and a little more and bonded life to be honest. You were the apple of his eye, you were head over heels for him, what else there was to manage?

But things changed when Beliath tried to push you into a party attire, and you said- and he remembered well: "I don't like this types of clothes." When asked if you meant party attires and if you could elaborate so that Bel could bring you something of your liking, you really hesitated then said you'd figure something out, walking off with a mop on your step to the garden.

You were so excited to do the decor and bring the food in! What was the problem? He got nervous. Maybe he didn't actually know what you liked and that's why you felt so bad! He snapped his fingers after thinking with his one braincell. (Of course, I'm going to take a look at their clothes while they're not around!) (You're right, Beliath, you're a genius!)

Opening your wardrobe with the most dramatic arm swing he could manage without breaking the door, he furrowed his brows. They weren't exactly clothes a person of your gender normally would wear. He giggled, looking at your clothes with fondness and thinking to himself. "But they also don't like doing things their gender normally would, haha... They also seem to be annoyed when I use too much pronouns... They also hate being called a good girl/boy when I joke around after they did their share of the chores... Oh shit.

He crumpled your shirt on his hand, sitting on the bed like he has been thrown in it. His eyes zeroed on a tucked in cloth. A flag he'd seen before somewhere, then he remembered the meaning and sucked in a breath, realizing that you actually planned on starting fresh here. And maybe, just maybe, finding his friends and him here had been stopping you for some reason.

He didn't want to admit it, but even though there wasn't comparison, he felt pretty much like you did when he left his home. To start fresh. And he remembered the freedom, the hardships. This was your journey. He called you up. You ran through the stairs and found him sitting down, seemingly sad.

"Beliath?! What's... Oh. I- suppose we should talk."

You told him everything you wished to, he listened to you the whole time, a hand holding yours. He admired how much you didn't want to hide it and how strong and sure of yourself you looked. You didn't need his "yes", you just wanted his company. That was unimaginable for him.

"I'm going to treat you so right. I promise I'll be with you no matter what. You're so, so brave." He said, hands cradling your face. You giggled.

"So dramatic." "You know what's going to be dramatic? Your outfit! You didn't tell me you had these pants in here! Go put those on and come back!"

Vladimir:

It all began on the fateful night Vladimir decided to confess to you. He made it cute, tried to bring you to the garden and told you every single thing on you that made his heart swoon, but as soon as you said you loved him... You ran off. He didn't understand.

He didn't understand why you were so absent when he told you he loved you. You've been through so much together. You definitely said you loved him too, so what made you give up? Maybe he was too twisted for you. He decided to call you to apologise, but when you heard him, you scoffed.

"that's not the issue. I'm transgender. I don't know if you feel attraction towards my gender."

"I'm sorry, what?"

You proceeded to explain that you planned on transition and explained the hormones you had to take and your concerns about visiting a doctor now that your condition changed. He had a puzzled face this whole time, trying to understand why that stopped you both from dating.

"How does that change us? Do you... Do you not like men? If that's the case, I underst-" "No, you fool, I love you! I just didn't know if you're attracted to my gender."

"Oh." He leaned in, pressing a loving peck on your lips. "Is this enough for you?"

"Actually, maybe you'll have to do this again." He chuckled, kissing your whole face.

"Don't worry about a thing. I'm sure you're strong enough to keep going, and I'll be lenient to help. I love you."

Ethan:

The first time Ethan tried to talk to you about your weird behavior, it was because he was done. Sick and tired. He wanted to smooch you, and suddenly you were all grumpy. What was it? Didn't you like him? What the hell? >:(

You just avoided him. >:( What was it that you didn't want to say? >:( He got the angry trembling going on. One day, however, you said you wanted to talk and share something with him. There you were, sitting, looking (and smelling) good on the bench. >:( Now you want to be chatty, huh? He was going to give you a piece of his madly in love mind!

"Now you want to talk, is that it?" You blinked once. "That's why I called you. Sit here." "Why do you sound like a mom?" "Shut up." You said casually, lifting your legs and looking at your toenails. "Listen to me. I've been meaning to tell you this for a while now but I'm not sure we can continue kissing like that." His eyes widened.

"Dumbass, you said you like me!" He was livid. Oh, but if you love him, you were going to freaking marry date him, how can you love somebody and not want anything serious with them?

"You're the fool here!" You giggled, but made a serious face after. "I'm actually transgender, Ethan. And since I'm not sure about your sexuality or if you're attracted to my gender at all, I think we could use some clarification. That's all. Doesn't mean I don't like you anymore. I came here with the intention of going through transition right away but I died in the process."

"oh. That's fucked up." "That's all you have to say?" "That's all you had to say? That's good for you and you make me very proud, I love you and I'd never let you do this alone when I'm your partner, you should've told me as soon as we bound so I could treat you how you wanted, and all that jazz. Now let's please make out because I miss you."

"You said you loved me?!"

"Ew, get over yourself. Also, that surprised face of yours looks like a fish. That's weird."

Ivan:

As soon as you warmed up to him, he hung out on your room and you'd play with your gameboy. On his birthday, you bought him a smartphone to kick it up a notch and he wanted to use it right away, so you both decided to play a co-op game, each with their own phones. You chose the character with your gender and customized them to look like you, but Ivan frowned at that.

"This is going to be confusing when we get to public servers..."

"Nah, I want the character to have my gender and nothing is going to stop me," you joked, then sucked in a breath, giggling at your forgetfulness. "Fuck, I didn't tell you jackshit, did I"

"You're trans?" He squeaked out, jumping to stay on all fours, making the mattress jiggle.

"Well- ye-yes. I'm going through transition... Why? Do you have anything against this?"

"Don't be silly, of course not!" He pulled your hands to sit you up. "Why didn't you tell me we should be aware of your pronouns? What about your clothes? Do you like dressing like your actual gender or are you happy dressing as the one you were assigned to? And your hair? How are we going to style it?"

"We?" "We're friends, right? And um- a little more, but I'm going to support you through your transition! I think I- I stopped you from trying to pursue your dream of starting it over and that's my fault. We're tied, so we're together on this, no backsies. Umm... So... How do we play?

"I can work with that."

#moonlight lovers #moonlight lovers headcanons #bunny's writing #moonlight lovers fanfiction #ml aaron #ml beliath #ml ethan #ml raphael #ml vladimir #ml ivan #request #sfwbunny

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werevulvi · 3 years

Text

It is the first day of yet another of my menstrual periods. Yes, I wanted to share that information with you. I want to be vulnerable and honest, for a moment. Being a woman can be a bloody mess sometimes, painful and feel shameful. And I'm writing this post to tell you why I'm not ashamed. After I've told you all about those embarrassing little things that no one wants to talk about, or hear about. That alone, you see, makes me wanna talk about it. You're welcome. This post might be very triggering for dysphoric females, but this is written with especially you in mind. But because healing is painful, I won't hold it against you if you'd rather choose to scroll past this. That is entirely up to you. The author of this post (me) is a mostly desisted/detrans woman, still male-presenting, formerly trans man. But despite my first hand knowledge of sex dysphoria, I am not particularly smooth when talking about what used to cause me dysphoria but no longer does. Sorry about that. Otherwise, I do mean well. And secondly, this post is for any women/females who get periods and just don't like it for any reasons, obviously. Now let's get right in there. *

At this point, a little over 2 years of not taking testosterone anymore, I know my body so well that I know exactly when my period will arrive, from a few days prior. I can literally feel my estrogen levels plummeting, which it typically does a few days before the uterus lining starts shedding, and this drop in estrogen production is a perfectly normal part of the cycle as a whole. Then progresterone will rise sometime during the period, and the estrogen will start increasing slowly again after you're done bleeding, and will be at the highest typically somewhere right in between periods. I tend to feel the worst when my estrogen is low, and the best when it's high.

I googled that stuff for my own sake, and I found it fascinating, and that it helps me understand what practical hell my poor body is going through.

How I feel that my estrogen is plummeting, is mostly physical, and a little bit psychological. First I get bloated and no matter how much I fart, my stomach feels tense and sometimes slightly painful. Then comes the hot flashes. First just one in a day, fairly mild. The next day it's stronger, and more than just one. That day I usually also get easily irritated, and my skin feels more sensitive. Everything feels more sensitive. It's as if I'm more exposed in some abstract way. The third day the hot flashes are really intense and often, I'm very bloated and the irritations are exchanged for a hightened awareness of everything I feel. Happier, curiouser, sadder, angrier, more of everything. Kinda like being drunk, but without the rush. I'm getting mild cramps, a light pressure deep within my lower abdomen. Like a gentle tapping on my door.

That is when I really need to make sure I have a pad put securely in my underwear, because she's close now, my period. Tapping on my door. I can feel it.

Late that day, or early the next day, I will get my period. It's always like that. Bloated, hot flashes, light cramps, hightened senses, then bam. First it's medium flow with mild cramps, so I can continue whatever I was doing and not really overthink what's going on. And no panic about staining my underwear, because I was already padded up to begin with. That gives me a feeling of security and control. Like already having coffee prepared for your untimely guest.

On the second day, however, and the following 2 after that, I will need to keep on my toes, change often and be very mindful of my clothes not getting stained, as well as exist carefully because of the pain and lack of energy. Those 3 days my flow will be extremely heavy, which requires an hourly change of the thickest possible pads, slow movements, and being generally very gentle with myself. My body needs to focus 100% on this intense process of shedding my uterus lining very fast and effectively. It's very delicate business, apparently. I will not be able to exercise, or do much of anything, during these 3 days, but I don't mind. I let my body do her thing, because she knows what she's doing, and I know best to be helpful, but not controlling. And I'm thankful that my body lets it all out so fast and effectively, allowing me to resume my normal life quickly after my period's arrival.

I'm also thankful for those 3 days of completely unashamed self-care. Yes, I will indulge in a lot of tea-drinking, movie-watching, hot showers, playing of World of Warcraft, doing low energy arts and crafts, incense burning and cupcake eating. Those 3 days are painful and draining, but they are also very healing, soothing and bring me closer to myself. They ground me, a lot. They are the painful reality that I need to sober up from my previous weeks of ranting about gender dysphoria, the up's and down's of living as a man while female, missing being on testosterone, obsessing about my gender expression, and so on. Those 3 days are when I close the door on that gender noise and... just exist with myself, my material reality, and remind myself that fresh pads, warm rice bags to soothe cramps, the need for comfortable clothes, and standing up for women's rights - are the only gender struggles I really need to be concerned with. Perhaps relatable to you as well. Perhaps not.

In other words, those 3 days may be the worst 3 days of the month for me, but they are also... kinda the best 3 days, and I don't want for my period to behave in any other way. It's perfect the way it is.

The 5th day, after the first mild-ish day and then the 3 heavy, is a medium flow again, and I'm starting to feel better physically. The cramps ease up and the bloating is gone. The hot flashes typically end sometime during the heavy flow. Then on the 6th day, my period is practically over, by my standards. Light flow, no cramps or any other issues, my life resumes to normal. The 7th and 8th day there will be some light spotting, enough to just wear a pantiliner, or even go bold and free-bleed in black briefs.

So that's how I experience my period, every time. But enough about the presumably cringey, awkward, gross, whatever you wanna call them, parts.

I wanted to talk more about how getting my period effects me mentally. It acts kind of like a "reset", not only in my endless gender chaos, but in everything. Those 3 days that I dedicate to self-care, as my body forces me to slow down and focus on being mindful, stop spinning about, sit the fuck down and re-think my situation. It definitely works as a natural "restart" similarly to going to sleep at night, but in a way that instead of just knocking me out, makes me more awake and more aware.

That sense of increased awareness and awakening, which hyper-activates my senses yet slows me down, is what also grounds me. It has become kinda like an unintentional meditation ritual. That as soon as the toilet paper turns red, everything slows down and I change. This change is vital to my mental health. It helps me rebuild myself a little, and I believe that has a lot of valuable healing properties. And that makes me thankful that I'm a woman, because I get to experience this very healing, grounding process, every month - which I had entirely forgotten about, for 5 years, when I was taking testosterone and my period didn't come.

I was of course relieved back then, that I could go on for years without a single period happening. I'm not gonna brush aside that it was a huge relief at that time, back when I was still busy being angry at my body and at nature for causing any females to bleed monthly, because it felt like a punishment for the crime of simply having been born female - but now that I have her back, my period, I don't want for her to go away. It's the ONE thing that makes me hesitate and doubt if I even wanna go back on testosterone again, despite really badly wanting most other changes. And I will grieve losing my period again, if I go back on it!

I need my period. I do not hate it. I do not feel ashamed of it. It's a painful process to go through, which I have somehow managed to turn into something beautiful, and something to be celebrated. Every time it arrives, my instant self-care routine is also a celebration. I look forward to this celebration, every month. I look forward to my period. Every. Single. Month. This is something I thought I would never, ever say. But there it is. I am thanking nature for that wonderful opportunity to sit back, relax, reflect and focus on what really matters: loving myself, and making the most out of the one life that I have.

I hope this post gave you something to think about.

#how i ended my own period stigma and dysphoria #periods #ftm detrans #a desisters rant #self care #healing is painful #poetic rant #my text #feel free to reblog

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takaraphoenix · 3 years

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Grey’s Anatomy: Review

Took me four months, but I have successfully watched all 16 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy - and what there is of season 17. Figured it deserves some words.

HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS SHOW? SO MUCH?

(To set the appropriate mood for this and give you a TL;DR.)

That being said to open it up, it is most definitely not flawless. So let’s start there. For me, the one big flaw it has is really the writers’ cuckolding kink. So. Much. Cheating. And - worse than the cheating plots - the cheating apologism. They echo the exact same sentiment so often, that cheating is only one mistake and humans make mistakes. That’s... at one point, that stops being a plot device and starts to be very telling about the writer, to be quite frank.

That being said, let’s roll out the positive. And let’s kick it off with something that relates to all the cheating; so many forced love-triangles, but they usually don’t include toxic rivalries. It’d be so easy to have the men throw punches over the women or the women pull hair and scratch each other’s eyes... so many other rom-drama shows do it already, after all. But, honestly, the two lose ends on the love V (because these things ain’t triangles) usually have such a good dynamic with each other, ranging from civil to friendships to deep mentor ships - Meredith and Addison, Mark and Jackson, Cristina and Teddy? Seeing these dynamics, quite frankly, makes having to sit through a love-triangle-nonsense actually more than bearable.

The most impressive thing about the show is, to me, the amount of rep on it. I mean sure, the main lead is white and I’d estimate half the overall cast are white, but even from the get go - in 2005 - the ratio of white actors versus actors of color in the main cast was five to four. And they’re not background or side characters - I mean, two of them are, aside from Meredith, the only ones to still be around on season 17. They all have their own plotlines, their own relationships and troubles and struggles. It’s not just the Meredith show, not by far.

And beyond that, the queer rep on this show is... honestly mindblowing? I mean, seriously?

They introduced their first queer character in season 2, in 2005, when other procedual dramas that aired then in large parts just... never... added queer characters. And sure! Joe was only a recurring character and not a main character, but he was recurring for six seasons, he recurred a lot, he got established, he and his husband partook in the plot. And, again, this was just the beginning, back in 2005.

They’ve since then steadily broadened their horizon and become more inclusive.

Recurring and main character wise, we’ve had 5 lesbians, 5 bisexual women, 4 gay men and 2 trans characters over these 17 seasons. That’s a very solid list, honestly. If I look at other shows, again especially procedual dramas that are still largely aimed at a more conservative audience, the fact that we’ve had actual queer storylines in every single season since season 2? That’s amazing.

Even more so on the one-off characters, to be quite honest. Just... casually, this patient has two moms, this man is visited by his husband, here the child of the patient is nonbinary, look this patient is in a polyamorous relationship. Sure, those are only the one-off episodical characters, but you have no idea how much that matters too.

I know I’m repeating myself with this, but especially when compared to other procedual dramas, where the characters are often only queer when it’s important to the plot. He got beaten up and ended up in the hospital because he was gay. She got killed because she was trans. They’re motivational and important to the plot (and also usually used to victimize the characters).

The fact that this show, even 10+ years ago already, just... included queerness as part of our reality, included it casually, positively and repeatedly - really, it’s not just like it’s one episode per season like it’s some obligation, it happens a lot? For no actual needed plot reason, she just has a wife and she’s just happily married to her wife and that’s it, because queer people exist.

And I just, I struggle to express how much this casual rep means to me? And how it becomes even more amazing if you consider how long ago it started? And if you add to it the steady prominent recurring/main character rep?

Sure, it’s not perfect - the majority of their characters of color are black; it’s not overly diverse when it comes to what characters of color it included, it took forever to include the second Asian character and the first Muslim character and it could feature a broader variety of ethnicities, just like it could offer a broader variety of queer experiences, I mean it took them forever to introduce the first mlm main character and they have yet to include a bisexual man, I’d also just love to see an ace character or a polyamorous character, to paint a contrast to the sex-obsession and cheating plotlines - but... it’s doing more than many others and I do think it deserves praise for that and it keeps improving. They didn’t just add Erica and Callie as the first wlw couple and then stuck to only having two queer ladies on screen at the same time and never more, just constantly replacing Callie’s girlfriend. They kept adding more, they keep adding more.

Now, on to my absolute favorite thing about this show.

Because, let’s make one thing clear, I hate cheating and under other circumstances the amount of cheating on this show would have driven me off it ten seasons ago. But despite all of the very forced romance drama and sex obsessed allos on the show, that is not the show’s main focus.

This was never mainly about the romance. It’s always been about the platonic relationships first and foremost. Romances changed and broke up and got complicated, but what prospered were the friendships and found family relationships.

Cristina and Meredith are the defining relationship of this show. They are... friendship portrayed in a way I have never seen friendship portrayed before. The writing on their dynamic is just amazing.

And when Cristina leaves the show, the shift to Meredith-Alex and to the sister-dynamic between Meredith, Maggie and Amelia really works.

Personally, after watching the show, I’ve come to divide it into three arcs, each with a Part A and a Part B.

The first arc of the show - spanning seasons 1 to 5 - are about Meredith, Cristina, George, Izzie and Alex. And they explore the dynamic between those five and the individual relationships between them all, so very well. This was really found family done right.

Arc 2 is what I dubbed the rebranding arc - seasons 6 to 10. In Part A (s6 to s8), we got the focus on the Mercy West merger, ending in the horrific plane crash. While Part B is what I call the outfall, season 9 dealing with the outfall from the plane crash and season 10 being all about that Meredith-Cristina outfall.

I love Arc 1 a whole lot, it’s really good. I think Arc 2 is good too, especially the plane crash and its outfall were very gripping and well done, but I do think that this middle part earns the dub as rebranding because it feels like the show itself is trying to find its footing, trying to figure out a direction after MAGIC graduated into residents (and, inevitably, fell apart with the death of George and the departure of Izzie). It’s a bit unfocused on where it wants to go and I still loathe the big misunderstanding nonsense of season 10 (but am glad that Meredith and Cristina rekindled before Cristina’s departure).

Arc 3 is the sisters arc, where the Meredith-Maggie-Amelia dynamic rules, with a more uneven split between A and B, because A spans seasons 11 to 16 for me and is lovingly dubbed the Merlex arc by me, while B is just... season 17; the corona pandemic is really shifting the tone and focus and it coincides with the departure of Alex.

I’m more mixed on it than I am on the other two. For me, Cristina and Meredith just are the heart and soul of the show, so despite just how brilliantly they handled that all, I still miss them (though I greatly appreciate the fact that she still regularly comes up through phone calls, texts, etc). I greatly disliked Alex’s departure (which is a rant of its own).

On the overall, I would actually rank them in order - the first five seasons were my favorite, followed by the awkward middle because it still added brilliant things to it regardless, and despite coming in last, I do also love the second half of the show with the sisters in the focus.

I do admit that I had high hopes that Jo would become Meredith’s new person in season 17, considering the tremendous growth their relationship had - especially considering how Meredith crawled into Jo’s bed and was the one to coax what had happened with her mother out of her; that was “my person” behavior, quite frankly, and I also thought that Alex’s departure might bring them closer. I truly did not like Alex’s parting words to Meredith that she’s always been her own person.

Well, duh. Meredith Grey is an absolute badass. Which, also a thing I love a lot about this show. She is so incredibly strong and brilliant and takes care of herself.

But the point of her having her person was never that she needed someone else to stand in for her; it was to have someone around whom she didn’t have to be that strong. Someone she could come to to be weak around, someone to have her back when everything became too much. You just... can’t do that for yourself. So that sentiment was just incredible rubbish and I will be very mad if they truly have her embrace that nonsense, because she deserves someone like that.

Lastly, let’s talk romantic relationships. Very broadly, I assure you - I wouldn’t even have the patience to tackle them all, I mean seriously everyone has had sex on this show, or so it feels (no but seriously, the amount of overlapping ships on this show is ridiculous).

The only note I do have on that is that... nothing lasts forever. Quite frankly, the most “endgame” ships on this show are Richard/Catherine and Ben/Miranda (which, bless them, those two are literally my favorite of the canon ships). Everything else is just... fair game? They change, they break up, even if you absolutely hate a ship - don’t worry, it’s gonna end soon.

And occasionally, that... is even more rewarding than seeing a couple you do like get together? I mean, honestly, watching a ship you dislike for x reasons and then having them break up on screen and a character actually listing x reasons to the other’s face? Very carthatic.

I also have to mention the adoption positivity; Meredith and Derek adopt a child, not as a last resort after all else has failed, but simply because they fell in love with that little girl, Ben and Bailey took in Joey, because they have big hearts. So often, adoption is only shown as that very, very last option after you wasted thousands of dollars on all other biological options and then it is like a tragic compromise or something. Seeing them just... fall in love with this baby and adopt her and love her is so refreshing?

This show is just... really, really good? The writing is brilliant. I mean, this show made me laugh more than some comedies have? It’s funny, poignant and... not overly dramatic? I mean, of course it’s dramatic - it’s a drama. But it’s more... grounded. Even with some outstandingly extreme things happening, it is still very down to Earth, compared to other dramas that feel the need to go higher and more bizarre each season. It’s incredibly consistent, it includes so much rep and actual plotlines for every character, it really draws out relationships - familiar, platonic, romantic - in such great details.

I just really love this show.

#Grey's Anatomy #Phoe's Random Show Rants

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allforhader · 4 years

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They Don’t Know You, Like I Know

Barry Berkman x M Trans Reader

[Reader is FTM] [Y/D/N = Deadname]

Warnings: Langauge, Unsafe binding

This isn’t an act...

It’s who I want to be

Y/N stepped into the backstage to grab his backpack when he noticed Barry holding his head down. He frowns walking over to him instinctively resting his hand on his shoulder. Barry looks up at Y/N seeing the worry plastered on his face.

“Are you okay?”

“I...No”

“Do you want to...talk about it?” Y/N asks hesitantly since not everybody wants to talk about it.

“No. I don’t” Barry frowns thinking he was going to leave but Y/N sat down beside him. “What?”

“What? I don’t like being alone when I’m not okay...” Y/N frowns. “You don’t have to talk about it. But I’m gonna stay with you if you don’t mind”

Barry didn’t even have to ask or do anything.

Y/N was just there for him, no matter what

Barry rummaged through the apartment trying to find something as Nick and Jermaine looked at him like he was insane.

“Lose something Barry?”

“Can’t find my keys” Barry lifted part of the couch cushion in search for his keys.

“Going somewhere?”

“Nick I think it’s obvious”

“Well I didn’t know!” Nick frowns as Jermaine got up from his spot to help Barry look. “All I know about his keys is they have the wear bear keychain”

“Who doesn’t have a keychain on their keys?” Jermaine questions Nick as he shrugs for the most part.

Barry eventually found them under the couch and once he got them he waved his roommates off before stepping out. He made his way out of the apartment complex heading toward the front of the building smiling when he saw Y/N waiting for him on the steps.

“Hey” Barry smiles as Y/N looks up from his phone shooting him a smile.

“Hey to you too” He smiles standing up putting his phone away.

After a while Y/N sat down on the edge of the cliff of the Hollywood sign. Barry looks around for any security as Y/N has done this before and gestures Barry to sit down.

“Do you come here often?”

“Eh. Yeah. Used to with...an ex partner”

“Doesn’t that bring bad luck to a date then?” Barry questions as Y/N laughs shaking his head.

“Only if this placed bugged me at the thought. I simply like being here...and want to bring someone I care about” Y/N smiles taking his backpack off his person before rummaging in his bag and handing Barry a sandwich he made.

“It’s not peanut bu—“

“Yeah. It’s not” Y/N states. “I don’t understand the point of PB&Js...they are kinda gross after a while” he says calmly taking a bite out of his own sandwich. “Turkey is better anyway”

Barry laughs a bit loving his solo banter as Y/N kicks his legs on the edge.

After a while Y/N unlocks the door to his apartment letting Barry in setting down the takeout they stopped for on the coffee table before going to grab them something to drink.

“Make yourself at home”

“How can you afford this? LA is kinda expensive...”

“Hm. I was born and raised here. I got a part time in high school and saved up yknow.” Y/N says calmly setting down glasses. “Water or?”

“Water is fine, and I thought no one is from LA. Sally honestly goes by that”

“Welp. I’m from here. Weird huh?”

“No, not at all...unique in a sense” Barry smiles as Y/N turned away for a moment to contain themselves.

Soon Y/N watches the movie they started after eating, go on holding his knees close to his chest as Barry tried to hold his hand every chance it hit the couch.

“Y/N?”

“Hm?” He looks over at Barry curious with a smile.

“Can I um”

“...Huh?”

“Can I hold your hand?” Barry asks feeling his face heat up as Y/N brought his legs down off the couch hearing his heart pound in his ears. “Sorry. I didn’t mean..”

“No! I uh.” Y/N blushes bringing himself closer to Barry’s side. “I want to...”

Barry rests his hand on top of Y/N’s intertwining their fingers. He felt how soft Y/N’s hand is. He was about to say something when Y/N instinctively rests his head on Barry’s shoulder comfortably.

“I’ve wanted to hold your hand for a while...is that weird to say?”

“No, because I wanted to too” Barry reassures leaning his head on top of his.

Y/F/N Y/L/N...

Barry frowns not finding Y/N anywhere at class. The hallway. Backstage. Audience. Nowhere.

“Hey Natalie, have you heard from Y/N?” He continued to have that sad puppy look on his face. “I know you two are friends and I’m just...curious”

“The last thing he texted me was...” Natalie took her phone out to re-read. “Uh. He was going to be at the ER. I didn’t—“

Natalie looked up from her phone seeing Barry immediately leave the class at that fact.

Once arriving to the hospital, Barry’s as very hesitant. Thinking he’d run into a face he didn’t want to see. But something else mattered more.

“Hey um”

“Are you hurt?”

“No?”

��Is someone else hurt?”

“I don’t know!”

The nurse felt his tension and gave him a worried look before opening up the patient files.

“Does this person have a name?”

“Y/F/N Y/L/N”

“Hm...” The nurse typed that in and nothing came out of it. She looked through recent entries into admission and found another name before the last name. “There’s a Y/D/N. She shares the same last name as the one you said and was admitted an hour ago. Would you like me to take you to her?”

Her?

After being taken to Y/N’s room, Barry hesitantly stepped in as the nurse left them alone. Y/N looks over to the small commotion before suddenly wheezing and rolling himself over to his side covering himself up.

“I-I’m Sorry”

“What are...what are you doing here...”

“I...I know you talk to Natalie a lot and...you weren’t in class so I had to ask. She said you would be here and...” Barry frowns walking over to his bedside. “I didn’t want you to be alone”

Y/N frowns hugging the pillow given to him for his chest. Barry pushes the chair beside his bed taking a seat watching Y/N start tearing up.

“H...hn...how much you know?”

“That your name is Y/D/N. Or well the name you’re born with...I don’t really know much other than that and that you’re here”

Barry didn’t know what to say to any of it. He also didn’t know how to phrase the fact that he’s not upset that Y/N kept this from him. He didn’t have to tell Barry. This...past isn’t the Y/N he knows...

And loves.

The next day came around and Y/N was discharged, but instead of going to stay at his place. Barry insisted he’d stay with him since he wasn’t going to be okay for a while and doesn’t want him to be alone if anything were going to happen.

“So...can you tell me what happened?” Barry asks as he helps Y/N get redressed out of the hospital gown.

“Um...I. Never had...proper coverage. My insurance covered my shots and I have a decent job but...the essentials for everyday living kinda took over what I needed...so I bind with ace bandages...” Y/N frowns feeling ashamed for doing such but he lived in LA. Rent is too expensive. He doesn’t drive. He has bills to pay. It’s not that he couldn’t afford a binder. It’s everything else that is more “essential”. “I was having an asthmatic episode in the ER when I came for chest pain. They had to take me out of it and told me to not bind for a while...let my lungs breath”

“Y/N...you...you could’ve really hurt yourself” Barry frowns instinctively resting his hands on Y/N’s cheeks as he gave him an even more worrisome look.

“Barry...you risk your life...everyday” Y/N frowns as he couldn’t help but start balling. “For fuck sake...when you told me. I felt selfish whenever I was in pain. I want you safe as much as you want me to be”

Barry wrapped his arms around Y/N holding him close. He felt his hands press against his chest and Y/N’s. He wasn’t comfortable. He lets go of him so he can take off his sweater letting Y/N wear it. Y/N felt like a little kid in over sized clothing, but it distracted him from his chest and he wasn’t bothered by it.

A few days went by and Y/N has been staying with Barry. He didn’t mind Nick and Jermaine since they are his roommates, they were loud sometimes. But for the most part Y/N slept in Barry’s bed, got up to get ready for work, and watched Barry cater to him when he doesn’t know how he’s ever going to repay him.

Y/N flinches to the knocking when he’s told Barry countless times that he can just walk in. Unless the door was locked. But he does it anyway.

“I got your mail, your neighbors are nice”

“Did you see Tiny? That big Great Dane in the complex? I’m surprised the landlords even allow him there” Y/N laughs taking his mail from Barry and setting it down on his backpack after looking through them.

“Didn’t see him, but maybe next time.” Barry laughs sitting on the edge of his bed as Y/N moves his desk chair to look at him. “If you Uh. Ever have me over again”

“You know I like having you over...” Y/N smiles fiddling with the ends of his sleeves. “Um...Barry can I ask you something?”

“Anything”

“You’re...you’re not going to tell people right? That...I’m..that I was born...female right?”

“It’s not my story to tell, and...I love the person I met. The others, they don’t know you like I do and that’s okay. You’re Y/N. Nothing is going to change that for me” Barry smiles as Y/N got up from the desk chair walking over to him.

As Barry stood to his feet, Y/N instantly wrapped his arms around him hugging him tightly. He didn’t hesitate to return the embrace.

They don’t know you like I do

#bill hader #barry berkman #barry block #barry berkman x reader #barry block x reader #bill hader x reader #bill hader gifs #barry hbo

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shark-myths · 4 years

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@alienfuckeronmain tagged me to deep-search my soul with these questions, and it is the exact distraction I was looking for! no pressure to do this one, pals, but i tag @carbonbased000 @leyley09 @shoeboxofphotographs12 @glitterandrocketfuel @allkindsofplatinumandpercocet @setting-in-a-honeymoon @toorational and anyone i’ve forgotten!

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? does anyone like blue pens? who is this product made for

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? the city, cuz i spent 7 consecutive years very broke in rural areas with homophobia neighbors and having things to do is so thrilling. but i imagine one day retreating into the desert and living far from my nearest neighbors

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? I have learned all the skills I am interested in right now, because learning new things is an a+ quarantine activity. maybe the ability to do physics? i would like to be proficient in physics and i am deeply not

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? Never

5. What was your favourite book as a child? all of them! I have always read like i’m running out of time and often get stressed when i think about how few books i will be able to read in my lifetime. as a child I reread Lord of the Rings and Robin McKinley and the Holly Black Tithe series the most, and i was OBSESSED with those gold-paged books with ribbon bookmarks that were diaries of girls from different historical periods, and i have never been able to read historical fiction since.

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? I hated baths passionately until my chronic pain reached a tipping point, and since then i have learned to really enjoy the long hot soak with a drink and a book. (i didn’t like showers either until very recently. life support tasks felt like a huge waste of time until i got a partner who helped me figure out how to enjoy them)

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? i have always wanted to be one of tolkien’s elves! I want a long life filled with learning languages and reading books and existing in green peaceful spaces, and then i want to be able to die when i am done.

8. Paper or electronic books? I like paper better--I’ve been building a library slowly my whole life--but my kindle has been life-saving during the pandemic when i couldn’t go to the library.

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? right now i’m doing all my work remotely and clothes feel meaningless, but i have a plain black tank top that i feel really comfortable in

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? I don’t like my name at all--it’s Kaylie--because it is so aggressively peppy and feminine. it doesn’t sounds like an adult’s name; it evokes exclamation points and pigtails. i have always wished for a severe, no-nonsense name like joan, or a pretty but to-the-point name like eva.

11. Who is a mentor to you? Leslie Knope

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? I used to fantasize about being a famous writer, and now in my field i do wish i had a name that mattered or was considered esteemed or expert in something in some way. I would love to have a research job where i had paid time to publish! but i don’t want it enough to work on it outside of my capitalist mandatory labor hours, because i don’t have enough time for my loved ones as it is

13. Are you a restless sleeper? lately yes, since my cat died in january i have slept like absolute hell

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? not really, but i am a thoughtful one

15. Which element best represents you? earth

16. Who do you want to be closer to? physically i want to be closer to my long-distance pals like @alienfuckeronmain @newleafover @time-less @immoral-crow @leyley09 (leyna let’s have a movie night when i’m done moving???)

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? pretty much all my friends i used to regularly hang out with, sam who moved to seattle, sam who lives in madison, all the people i listed above

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. I used to play going to work. i’d pack up a backgammon case as a briefcase, grab my stuffed gorilla, and go write in notebooks and move pieces of paper around

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? I am an extremely boring person and all I eat is popcorn and bread

20. What are you most thankful for? having an able body that works to support me and keep me whole, having a partner who makes me feel truly cared for

21. Do you like spicy food? yep!

22. Have you ever met someone famous? once at c2e2 i met george r.r. martin and no one else cared he existed because got wasn’t a show yet, so i awkwardly went up to him and proclaimed my love for his work, and then he trapped me in a long conversation about vampires

23. Do you do you keep a diary or journal? a journal! i have since i was pretty small, they take up a full shelf of a bookcase

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil? pen, and i have lots of Special Pens that i only use for a particular purpose or project, because i am a huge raging...

25. What is your star sign? virgo

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? crunchy and without milk

27. What would you want your legacy to be? personally, that I wrote things that meant something to the people who read them; professionally, that i removed barriers to accessing healthcare for trans and gender expansive people

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? see above--I completely adore reading. last book was Sisters of the Vast Black and currently i’m reading The House in the Cerulean Sea and it’s totally charming. I’ve been reading really quality science and nonfiction writing too, please send me your recommendations

29. How do you show someone you love them? I make them breakfast, I tell them so constantly, I send them things in the mail, I bring them small interesting gifts, and I say every nice thought I have about them out loud

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? not especially, but it’s fun to chew on

31. What are you afraid of? surgery

32. What is your favourite scent? smoke from blown-out candles, lavender, laundry detergent my loved ones use

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? whatever they’ve told me to call them? this seems like common courtesy

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? I do so much less clinical work and work fewer hours in general, I would run for office so I could influence policy and stop wasting my fucking time on the ground level, I would spend more time writing, I would spend so much more time with my family, I would devote the time to running longer distances again in a way that doesn’t aggravate my busted knee

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? the ocean!

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? oh i would definitely spend that on something stupid and self-indulgent i wanted, like a pete wentz hoodie

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? YES! when i was kid every summer i’d be sent to jesus camp, which thank god because that’s what got me into fanfiction, and it was in the middle of nowhere, wisconsin, and you could see the entire milky way and shooting stars blaze across that thing ALL THE TIME, and it shook me to my foundation every summer and for a time i mistook that feeling for faith in god instead of wonder at the infinite being and possibility that is our generous universe

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? i have none of my own but my partner has a 5 year old, so quite against my intention i have become a parent-adjacent person. i try to teach him about emotional accountability for the effect of his actions on others

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? the next tattoo i want is a big snake crawling up my mostly bare left arm

40. What can you hear now? my laptop fan

41. Where do you feel the safest? when i’m protecting someone else

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? my relationship with my body

43. Of you could travel back to any era, what would it be? i’d really like to be a gentleman of leisure in a jane austen novel

44. What is your most used emoji? the purple heart

45. Describe yourself using one word. earnest

46. What do you regret the most? not going to a 4-year university and having a #college experience. it’s one of my most stinging regrets because it was not a decision i got to make for myself

47. Last movie you saw? what is a movie theater? what does it feel like to be in one? the last movie i watched is charlie’s angels from the early 2000s because that was an unexamined sexual awakening for me--lucy liu being efficient in leather has never left me, efficiency is the single trait i most attracted to--and i wanted my boyfriend to see how bad it is

48. Last tv show you watched? either Kipo and the age of the wonderbeasts or star trek tng!

49. Invent a word and its meaning. instead i will say that i think the most beautiful english word is ache. my favorite way of creating things is transforming and remixing what already exists, which makes writing with words someone else invented the ideal challenge and pastime

(i really loved doing this! it was nice to talk about myself at the end of a workweek. thank you @alienfuckeronmain !)

#tags #about me #a humble shark

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