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Me irl

Me irl

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I didn’t believe in mental illnesses until I experienced it.

Or maybe I knew all along, but was in denial of it. Maybe I tried so hard to tell myself it’s all in my head and that the demons don’t exist. Maybe I just wanted to believe if I just set my mind straight and blink, all my problems would go away. Regardless of the reason, I strictly believed that mental illnesses- depression, anxiety, OCD, you name it... were all simply excuses for people to blame their problems on.

And I didn’t want to be THAT person who can’t own up to my weaknesses and blame my problems on something else. I despised seeing my friends take Adderall to stroll their way through college. Maybe in the back of my mind, I was indignant.. and frustrated that I, the person who really deserved it, couldn’t get it. But I don’t deserve it. Because there’s nothing wrong with me. Because mental illnesses aren’t real. Getting easily distracted is my fault. Why couldn’t I focus on something like other people could? Why did my brain have to shift all attention to the slightest rattling of a classmate shaking their leg in class instead of finishing my exam? Why was I so dumb?

And it took a while to come to terms with my mental illness. I still won’t tell my family and friends outright “I am suffering from _____.” but rather try to overcome it on my own means, like I’ve been doing all my life. But nowadays I’m beginning to think, maybe I can’t do everything alone. Maybe seeking some professional help would be...okay.

#mental health #shower thoughts #diary #emotional #thoughts #anxiety #adhd #ocd #depression #mental ill health #mental illness #mentalhealth #mental #mentally ill #vent #confession

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My tics have evolved into self destructive behavior, but I’m afraid of seeking help.

TLDR: Been hiding my mental health problems from my friends and family all my life. Thought it’ll go away with age but instead it’s starting to affect my daily functioning and possibly health. Triggers are all around me now because I’m back home due to COVID, but I won’t be able to seek help for a while.

I bite off and swallow the skin inside of my cheek. I know that sounds gross. I know it’s not normal. But I do. I jump- well, I guess the better description would be that I jerk my legs and feet by pushing in on the ground. I don’t want to, but I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember. The childhood videos my parents have of me (~5years old) even shows little me standing among my peers on a stage during a Christmas recital, jumping. I also smash my laptop keys or my phone screen 7 times spontaneously with the side of my hand in a specific rhythm. And I repeat this until the impulses quiet down and I gain control of my body again. If I restrain and try to not do it, well... imagine that feeling that you get when you want to sneeze, or pick a scab, or cough... imagine that uncomfortable squirmy feeling at its maximum power persisting and not going away until you bite, jump, or tap. 7 times. In a rhythm your brain chemicals write for you.

And that’s only the tip of the iceberg. But nobody knows it. Surprising, right? You’d think if you were next to me you’d be able to spot the tics instantly. But over the years I’ve learned to master the art of biting my tongue, pinching my stomach... basically turning to high-stress behavior that won’t be noticed by anyone else in place of these “noticeable” abnormal activities. And I highly accredit that to my old-schooled, Asian-minded parents who thought the best way to deal with their “broken” daughter was by calling her mental and threatening to send her to the hospital with the “real sick-o’s”. Yes it discouraged her from jumping up like a wack-a-mole in a group of people. She didn’t go banging on the lockers as drums at school scaring all her peers away. But they don’t know about the scabs on her body from 22 long years of suppressing the demons inside. 

I know I should seek help. Please don’t just write “you should seek some professional help” in the comments because it’s n o t that simple. The reason I tell myself that I’m not ready to seek help is due to financial reasons. But truthfully, I know I’m afraid of seeking help. Trust me.. I’ve done more than my fair share of self diagnosing and I’m pretty confident I know what’s wrong. But hearing from the medical professional... that’ll only validate that there’s truly something wrong with me. And I’m scared. I’d rather believe that I’m the dumb idiot for struggling with things no one else struggles with than have it confirmed by a credible individual that I was born imperfect. I need to be perfect, or as close to it as I can be. First born of a first gen immigrant family, went to a prestigious school, with lots of people who look up at me and at me a certain way. Deep inside I know I’m not who they think I am, and the dichotomy drives me insane.

I’m not sure how to deal with this. I thought it’ll go away as I get older, and sure, my mom doesn’t call me broken anymore (she doesn’t know issues still exist) but it’s beginning to infiltrate my every day functioning. If I sit absolutely still without doing anything for more than a minute, my mind goes insane. It’s never quiet up there.. My mind alone could probably beat the record for talking about the most random things for the longest time. I get anxious for not doing anything but at the same time get fixated on some useless time wasting activity (anything task-focused such as specific games, hitting a certain amount of likes on social media, etc) and my brain absolutely refuses to do anything else until that task or goal is met. And after that goal is met I get stressed that I wasted all that time not doing the things I needed to get done. And with the stress the tics are triggered and I sit there biting. Jumping. Tapping. Procrastination is getting out of control. I’ve survived school until now by being trapped into this loop until around 2AM, and finishing my day’s homework and studying from 2-5AM. Sleep until 8AM. Have been doing that since middle school. Pretty sure the lack of sleep killed half my brain cells. But that won’t stop me because I have no idea how else to deal with this and be a functioning human being. 

I had a mentor/friend back in college who I confided in and he was going to introduce me to a specialist he knows. I’ll seek help eventually through him, but for now I’m stuck home far from college with my parents because of COVID. I don’t want to talk with my parents about it until I get a diagnosis or something. Please don’t bash on them though! They’re amazing people but mental health is pretty foreign to them granted I’m from an area where it isn’t spoken fondly about and they didn’t know what else to do than scold me for my “wrongdoings”.

If anyone knows any supportive communities online or other resources.. I would gladly take any. I’m not depressed nor suicidal. Quite a high functioning student at a great uni admittedly. But I really wanted to get this out of my system because I have nowhere else to confide and felt like a little part of me is beginning to rot because of it. Thanks for reading! 😊

-08.25.2020

#mental health #mentally ill #mental #mental health positivity #help #vent #ocd #adhd #tourettes #tics #i need a hug #my story #journal #diary #diary entry #support #mentalhealth #depressed #feelings #thoughts #Shower Thoughts #hurting #hurt #help me #tldr #hi

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#motivational #quote of the day #quotes #mental health #relationship #advice #shower thoughts #random thoughts #epiphany #realization #hurting #emotional #love quotes #truth #wise words #words of truth #illusion #self love #toxic relationship

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08.10.2020

#quotes #pain #hurting #mental health #thoughts #diary #innerpeace #inner thoughts #growth #feeling #sad #emotional #quote of the day #shower thoughts #relatable #2020

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05.01.2020

해맑게 웃을수있는 아이들이 싫었다. “성숙하다”, “어른스럽다”, 라는 말들은 큰 상처가 되어 내 마음 한곳에 자리잡고, 나는 사람들의 시선에서 벗어나지 못한체 가면 뒤에 숨어 눈물을 흘렸다. 나도 또래 애들처럼 걱정없이 삶을 즐기고, 세상을 알아가고, 때로는 실수도 하면서 하나하나 배워가고싶었다.

-e.co

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Binoculars

그들 눈 속에있는 내 삶을 살기위해

발버둥 치다 보니까

너무 멀리 와 버렸네

내가 놓친것들이 이제서야

이렇게 잘 보이는데

너무 늦은걸까

아닐까?

-e.co

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Paint

아이는

얼굴 없는 가면을 쓰고

하얀 도화지를 입고

눈을 질끈 감은채

물감 위에 서 춤을추었다

e.co

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Radiator

난 심술이 났어

내 삶에있어 너무 당연한, 사소한 것들이

나한테 편안함 또 아늑함을 선물해준것들이

너한테는 불행이고, 불평이고

아쉬움 또는 짜증이니

그만큼 내가 살아온 이 삶이

너무 작고 부끄럽게 느껴지고

나한테 쥐어진 이 많은 보물들이

비참하고 무의미있게 느껴져서

그래서 난 네가 참 미웠어

-e.co

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나도 모르게 짓누르고 있었던 감정들이

나를 삼키려 들때

꾹 참고 애써 잊으려한 옛 기억들이

눈물로 흘러넘치려 할때

내 가슴 어두운 한곳

깊숙이 자리잡힌 상처의 흉터가 열려

피가 또 나네

-e.co

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The scary thing about mental illness is that IT doesn’t hurt you directly. Rather, it pushes YOU to hurt yourself, emotionally and mentally and sometimes even physically.

mental illness tries to make you believe horrible things about yourself, but they’re never true. you’re not weak. you’re not broken. you’re not a bad person. believe in yourself and remember how strong you are.

#mental health positivity #mental health #motivational #selflove #depression #anxiety #disorder #unhappy #strong #strength #hope

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Everything will be okay in the end if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

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一🖤一

Learning to Love Myself

° Overcoming social anxiety ✔️

° Cranking open my Pandora’s box of cRaZy ✔️

° Give myself a face! Express, experience! ✔️

° Finding beauty in the rotten yegg ✔️

° Love me, love you, love them  ✔️

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Dear future me,

一

You’re beautiful.

You’re unique.

You’re personalized, hand crafted specially by the one who has and will continue to look over you.

You’re not flawless.

You make mistakes.

But He will take your imperfections and make you perfect in His eyes.

一

Here’s to personal growth,

identifying identity,

knowing Him more,

And a safe place to be Y O U.

-e.co

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1/23/2017

난 때를쓰며 멈췄어. 혹시라도 피를 보는게 그리워질까봐... 그 시원한 아픔이 달콤해질까봐. 혹시라도 잘못된 버릇이 될까봐.

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Sometimes, tears just fall down. Sometimes, depression hits and anxiety becomes so real and it feels like I’m back in square one. But recovery isn’t a definitive action.. it’s progressive. And each time the pain hits I’ll stand back up stronger. Stronger and stronger until it can’t knock me down any more.

-e.co