#yea i know there might be times where that feels ... justifiable

[mode-lfy]

Sullyoon Smut - Cheating part2

This is the full part 2, some of you might remember I posted an incomplete version of the story. This is now completed

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Cold water from the shower head running down Y/n, him deep in thought as memories of his encounter with Sullyoon runs back through his mind.

=========================================

"Hmm, Oppa, I really enjoyed that..." Sullyoon said, as she rested her head on top of Y/n's chest.

"Sullyoon... but I... cummed inside you... What if..." Y/n said, worried but feel mesmerised by Sullyoon's beautiful face and her petite naked body beside him.

"Should I take some anti pregnancy pill? Is that what it's called?" Sullyoon asked, looking up at Y/n.

"After morning pills?" Y/n asked.

"Yeah! Can you help me get them?" Sullyoon asked, smiling.

"I..." Y/n hesitated, buying those pills won't look too good on his image.

"Oppa...? Please..." Sullyoon leaned closer towards him and poured.

"Okay..." Y/n sighed and agreed.

Sullyoon smiled and put her hands on his body, hugging him, which also caused Y/n to desire her again.

"I should go and buy them now." Y/n said, quickly getting out of Sullyoon's bed and prepare to dress up.

"Now?" Sullyoon looked at him picking up his clothes and get into them.

"Yea..." Y/n said ashamed and guilty, not daring to look at Sullyoon.

"Okay..." Sullyoon said, not wanting Y/n to leave so soon.

Sullyoon got out of the bed too and walked to Y/n, helping him to wear his clothes and be neat.

Sullyoon, pulled the edges of Y/n's shirt and pants, making it look more neat and less wrinkled.

Y/n looked at the girl infront of him, she's still naked and it allowed him to enjoy the view of her beautiful body.

Such is the girl Sullyoon is, so attentive, so nice and gentle... Completely different than what Hyewon is now.

His own wife doesn't even pay much attention to him recently, for a long time even...

Sullyoon, took a cup of water and gave it to Y/n.

"Oppa, drink some water before going out!" Sullyoon smiled.

Y/n smiled back at her weakly, sipping some of the water, before giving back the cup to her.

"Don't worry Oppa, I will wait for you until you come back. I see that you are excited too..." Sullyoon shyly said, looking down at Y/n's lower body, where a bulge was showing at his crotch.

"I..." Y/n was wordless, he didn't know what to say....

"Do you want anything? I can... order some food or go out to buy food for you." Sullyoon asked.

"It's okay. Order anything you want, I'm not a picky eater." Y/n said, reassuring her.

"Okay... bye bye." Sullyoon said, waving at him as he was about to head out the door.

Y/n surprised her with a kiss and a hug before quickly getting out the door.

Leaving her blushing and smiling.

When arriving at the pharmacy, Y/n felt really embarrassed and ashamed to ask for some after morning pills from the counter.

"C-Can I have some after morning pills?" Y/n asked the female staff at the counter.

"Ah, sure." She answered before picking up a small pill box and passing it to him.

"Is that all?" She asked.

"Ye-Yeah..." Y/n answered.

The female staff reassured him, "Don't worry, it's common among the young people, having sex and all that."

"Ah okay..." Y/n lied, pretending to understand.

"Is that all? If so, please swipe your card here." She asked.

After paying and getting out of the store, Y/n walked slowly back to the apartment, guilty.

"I shouldn't have done that... I should just gone home immediately when it happened." Y/n mumbled, holding his fists tightly, thinking of the moment when he accidentally poked onto Sullyoon's ass.

'But it felt so good... her body... that amazing ass and body. That tight pussy as I fucked Sullyoon. She's so gentle and nice too.' Y/n thought again, trying to justify last night to himself.

Just as he took a seat and tried to calm down, he suddenly received a phone call from Hyewon.

Y/n took a deep breath before answering the call. "Hey honey." Y/n said.

"What's with the honey? Also, did you come home or did you just left home very early? I woke up very late and didn't see you at bed either. Did you not come home last night?" Hyewon asked.

"I... I came home to sleep but left very early in the morning again. To visit a friend..." Y/n lied.

"Okay. When will you come home?" Hyewon asked.

"I will come home soon, maybe in an hour or two." Y/n answered her.

"Sure, bye." Hyewon said before hanging up, not asking too much.

Y/n sighed and went up to Sullyoon's apartment, where he was greeted by her, who bought some delicious, warm food.

"Oh Oppa's back!" Sullyoon happily said, as she finished putting the food on the table.

"What did you buy?" Y/n asked, putting the pills on the table.

"Oh, I bought some meat and kimchi tofu stew for you. I'm sure you are hungry. Here's some rice for you! It's still warm!" Sullyoon said smiling as she served the food to him.

Y/n took the bowl of rice and held Sullyoon's hand, thanking her.

After the hot and delicious meal they had together, Sullyoon took the pills.

Y/n wanted to leave but Sullyoon asked him to stay.

"Oppa, can't you stay here and accompany me? I... want to be with you..." Sullyoon said, pouting.

"Sullyoon, I think... last night was an accident, it wasn't meant to happen, it's just that...-" Y/n tried to explain things.

Sullyoon cut him off, "It's an accident? No! Oppa, I could feel you in me with passion... it felt really good with you in me. Especially when you fucked me hard..." Sullyoon held onto him.

"This happened because Hyewon Unnie doesn't appreciate you!" Sullyoon said, a statement that Y/n himself secretly agrees with.

"I should go now... Sullyoon, I'm sorry but... hmph!?!?" Y/n tried to leave but Sullyoon kissed him, making him stop.

"Oppa no... please..." Sullyoon pleaded.

"No... I can't..." Y/n tried to resist.

Sullyoon put his hands on her ass, and that wrapped her hands around his neck.

"Oppa... if after this... you still want to leave... I will not stop you...." Sullyoon tried to compromise.

"But... I told Hyewon I will come home soon." Y/n tried to reason.

Sullyoon pushed him to the chair gently, and took off his clothes and pants off.

Before wrapping her hands around Y/n's member and suck on it slowly, making Y/n moan uncontrollably.

"Sullyoon... gosh... I..." Y/n couldn't find words to form a sentence.

Sullyoon continued giving Y/n a hell of an experience, herself proud of making Y/n happy and enjoying.

Y/n then pulled her up to him and breathed rapidly as he see her slightly messy hair, yet she still looked good...

Sullyoon smiled, before taking off her clothes and let Y/n touch her body, allowing him to kiss and feel her body.

Slowly... Sullyoon stood up and position her to sit on Y/n's dick. She moaned in unspeakable pleasure as Y/n entered her gently.

"Are you okay?" Y/n asked, worried as Sullyoon couldn't speak.

"So good... felt so good." Sullyoon whispered, as she was impaled on his dick.

Then Sullyoon slowly move up and down his dick, riding Y/n, making him close his eyes in pleasure.

"Oppa... your dick feels so good in me!" Sullyoon moaned.

"Has Hyewon ever ride you, Oppa?" She asked.

"She only did it once...." Y/n admitted, making Sullyoon want to make him enjoy it more.

"Thrust into me, Oppa!" Sullyoon shouted, her eyes closed in pleasure.

Y/n put his hands on her waist, and started thrusting into her with all his strength.

This made Sullyoon gasped, unable to close her mouth due to what she's feeling.

Soon, Y/n's dick spurted and exploded a load of cum into Sullyoon's tight pussy.

"Oh my... that was..." Y/n said, trying to catch his breath.

"That was good, Oppa." Sullyoon continued the sentence, smiling and giving a small kiss onto Y/n's cheeks.

"Thank you..." Sullyoon said.

They both got up and started cleaning up the area before Y/n actually starts to leave.

"Sullyoon, I can't do this to Hyewon... she's my wife, I shouldn't do this... It's not right..." Y/n admitted to her, trying to explain his decision to her.

"But Oppa... we had a good time... Hyewon Unnie doesn't appreciate you!" Sullyoon almost started crying.

"We only known each other for such a short while... I think it's best while this thing between us gets too far..." Y/n said.

"But..." Sullyoon couldn't keep him.

"I'm sorry. I'm older than you too... by 5 years old too..." Y/n explained further.

"Oppa... please no..." Sullyoon started tearing up.

"Sullyoon, I'm sorry." Y/n started to close the door.

Sullyoon stopped the door from closing and looked at Y/n, holding her tears.

"If... Hyewon Unnie still doesn't appreciate you, then... would you come back to me..." Sullyoon asked, crying.

"Maybe..." Y/n admitted.

Then Sullyoon closed the door, before sitting down and crying inconsolably.

Why was she crying over this man she barely knew and had an affair with!?!? She thought to herself.

============================================

When Y/n got home, he saw Hyewon in their own room, on the laptop, dealing with her work.

He sat beside her, asking. "You are still working on the weekend?"

"Yeah, I need to do well on this business proposal if I want to try and get promoted." Hyewon said, continuing to type away on her laptop.

Y/n sighed... 'if only Sullyoon was my wife... Wait! How can i think like this!?!?'

He shook his head suddenly, trying to clear his mind which made Hyewon confused.

"Are you okay?" Hyewon asked.

"Yeah. I'm fine..." Y/n told her.

"Can you order some food for me? I'm hungry." Hyewon said, not even looking at him.

"Why not go out to eat together? It's been awhile since we got out and spend time together." Y/n tried to lean closer to Hyewon and hugged her from the side. Hyewon pushed him away in frustration.

"I'm busy! Once I get promoted then we can have time to enjoy ourselves." Hyewon said, in frustration.

"I have enough money to feed and take care of you! Why not just relax and enjoy our life together!?!" Y/n rebutted angrily, unhappy with the amount of friction that has been happening in their marriage for awhile now.

"I want to have a successful career of my own! It's my dream!" Hyewon shouted.

Y/n got out in anger and went into the bathroom, taking a cold shower, trying to calm down.

As he took a cold shower, he couldn't help but get reminded of the gentleness and attentiveness of Sullyoon towards him....

That's what a wife should be like.... Y/n thought to himself.

After a long shower, he ordered some food from a restaurant nearby and waited for the food to come.

After which, he set it down on the table, putting it nicely before knocking on the door and asking her to come out to eat.

Hyewon comes out, stretching and yawning. "I'm so tired from doing work."

Y/n couldn't help but look at Hyewon's enticing body, those curves, partially the reason why he fell in love with her and married her in the first place.

"Hyewon... how bout... let's 'de-stress'... tonight..." Y/n suggested, his hands slowly moving up to hold Hyewon's hands.

"Y/n... sorry but I'm not in the mood to do any stuff in bed with you until I'm done with this proposal." Hyewon said apologetically.

"Yeah... alright then... I don't want to force you." Y/n sighed and forced a small smile at her before deciding to just leave got out of the house.

When he left the house, he actually was conflicted. Where should he go?

Should he go to the gym or... visit Sullyoon. He can't just visit her immediately, just after he said they should stop.

He went to the gym and just started sitting down, doing some exercises once in awhile. Most of the time, he just sat in the corner while watching videos about management and business. Something that he really ought to learn since he was actually promoted to being a manager a few months ago.

Once in awhile Sullyoon would still come over and do her work outs. Y/n will always sneak a peek at her body when she's not looking, seeing her petite curves.

Sullyoon would try to ignore Y/n but it's hard... knowing that the man she liked and had sex with, was ignoring her and yet he was still paying attention to her. If only he wasn't married to Hyewon...

It would be a week before a young man walked up to Sullyoon in the middle of her work outs, which made Y/n wary of the young man.

The young man continued talking to her, Y/n couldn't hear what they were talking about, but seeing Sullyoon smile back at the young man. It made Y/n annoyed and... slightly jealous.

He waited until the young man left Sullyoon alone before closing his laptop and walk up to her. "Who is that guy?" Y/n asked her, frowning.

"Why? He is just someone who goes to my university." Sullyoon answered.

"Well, don't talk to him anymore." Y/n said.

"Why?" She asked.

"Didn't you see the way he looked at you and all? He was like a pervert. He was looking at you for so long before coming up to talk to you. That guy was like... I don't know. Been staring at you like he wants to eat you up or something!" Y/n said anxiously, with jealously obvious in his tone.

"What about you? Aren't you the same?" Sullyoon questioned Y/n.

"You have been looking at my body for a week now. Even when you say you want to stop this, you still can't resist the temptation. Admit it!" Sullyoon said, slowly walking closer to Y/n. And himself walking backwards slowly... until his back hit a wall.

"Oppa... you were jealous. Weren't you?" Sullyoon asked, seductively, tilting her head slightly.

"I... I need to go now." Y/n pushed Sullyoon away softly and picked up his laptop, quickly leaving the gym and head towards the lift.

Sullyoon smiled and quickly took her belongings, following Y/n.

Y/n pressed the button for the lift repeatedly, he need to get away from Sullyoon. He is very in danger of going back to Sullyoon and giving in to her temptations.

Why is he even resisting it!?!? Many men would love to have a girl like Sullyoon to be interested them. Let alone having the opportunity to actually fuck her.

"Come on. Y/n. You can't let Hyewon down anymore." Y/n said, tapping his head.

Soon, the lift arrived and Y/n entered it quickly. He pressed his floor number and tried to close the lift doors quickly but Sullyoon entered the lift with him and smiled at him.

"Oppa, going back home?" Sullyoon asked.

Y/n closed his eyes and ignored Sullyoon. She giggled at his reaction and simply let him be.

When Y/n reached his floor, he immediately got out and walked quickly to his apartment.

But what he didn't realised was that Sullyoon followed him all the way and when he unlocked the door.

"Sullyoon-ah! You are here!" Hyewon claimed when Y/n opened the door. He looked back and saw Sullyoon behind him.

'What are you doing here?' He asked Sullyoon, with his expressions and eyes.

"Ah... Unnie told me to come over and look over at the dessert that she baked." Sullyoon said, smiling innocently.

"Come in!" Hyewon welcomed Sullyoon, much to the dismay of Y/n.

Hyewon asked them to sit down and wait for her to make the dressing and the cake to cool-down.

"I'm baking a cake and I'm going to make the dressing now." Hyewon said proudly.

"Sullyoon! Do you prefer cream cheese or sweet cream?" Hyewon asked, taking out a big glass bowl to mix the cream and put it on the cake.

"Just sweet cream would do." Sullyoon said, smiling.

"Sure. While I mix the cream and lay it on the cake. Y/n, can you show her around the apartment? She asked me about the make up I used last time too, so show her some of the make up I use." Hyewon suggested to which, Sullyoon seductively smirk at Y/n.

"Okay..." Y/n said as he led Sullyoon into their room.

Sullyoon remarked, "Your room is clean, Oppa."

"Thanks." Y/n said, trying not look at Sullyoon.

Suddenly, Sullyoon shut the door close and she walked closer to Y/n.

"Well... Oppa. Now that I'm alone with you..." Sullyoon pushed a helpless Y/n to a wall and and began touching him sensually.

"Hmm... would it be nice to give you a blowjob in this room that you and Hyewon Unnie share?" Sullyoon asked, slowly going down on her knees and untying Y/n's belt, pulling down his pants.

"Sullyoon, I don't think we should do this..." Y/n said, trying to resist."

"Do what?" Sullyoon teased, touching his cock softly and starting to put in her mouth.

"Hmph... ohhh...." Y/n sighed, closing his eyes as Sullyoon started to suck his cock and his stress starting to leave his body.

"Oh yes... yes...." Y/n whispered, moaning as he felt Sullyoon's mouth around his cock.

"You are so good." Y/n moaned, as he enjoyed the slow blowjob by Sullyoon.

"Are you going to cum?" Sullyoon asked, smirking and letting go of Y/n's cock.

"Yes. It's so good." Y/n said, opening his eyes to see Sullyoon smiling at him.

She's so pretty... that body too... How could he resist her?

"I think I should go." Sullyoon said, standing up.

"What?" Y/n said, confused.

"You haven't even finished sucking me off!" Y/n argued.

"Well... you said we shouldn't do this." Sullyoon smiled at him.

"And... I have a date later." Sullyoon said, sitting down on the floor.

"A date!?!? Is it the guy that I saw in the gym?" Y/n asked, slightly angry.

"Maybe? He said he wanna come and bring me out for dinner. Maybe... he will take me to his house too...." Sullyoon said as she posed thinking of what they will do.

"Maybe I will let him come into my apartment and... let him do whatever he wants to me..." Sullyoon said, coming closer to Y/n and looking up to him.

"If you want to stop me... you should come to my place after I leave your apartment. If not... someone will be a lucky man tonight." Sullyoon smirked, leaving the room.

Y/n admired her petite figure, her tight ass and beautiful back figure.

He quickly pull up his pants and tidy up his appearance before quickly going to the living room.

"Oppa! You should try the cake Unnie made!" Sullyoon said, as she tasted the cake Hyewon made.

As she said it, she put her finger into her mouth and sucked it, all while maintaining eye contact with Y/n.

He could feel his cock aching to get the relief he so wanted.

"Yeah..." Y/n said.

"Unnie, I should leave now. I need to go and... meet someone." Sullyoon slowed down at the last words, winking at Y/n.

Hyewon came up from behind the kitchen and offered to let her bring home some cake, which Sullyoon accepted.

"Enjoy the cake!" Hyewon said, as Sullyoon left the apartment.

As Y/n ate the cake Hyewon made, he imagined Sullyoon naked... on her knees... and sucking his dick.

He envisioned Sullyoon on all fours... while he fucked her from the back.... Her moans... her ass and body...

He could have had the chance himself... but now someone will have her instead!?!?

Y/n quickly left the apartment, saying he had to settle something to Hyewon.

He quickly went to Sullyoon's apartment and knocked on the door anxiously.

Sullyoon opened the door, surprised that he even came down so fast.

Y/n entered the apartment and pushing Sullyoon against the door, wrapping his hands around her waist and kissing her passionately.

"Into the room." Sullyoon said, stopping their kiss for a moment and closing the doors.

They quickly continued once inside her room, Y/n taking off Sullyoon clothes and laying his hands around her body.

He could feel her body so initimately, Sullyoon helped to take off his clothes but she was gentle and slow...

Sullyoon took off his clothes slowly and even going down on her knees slowly as she took down his pants again for the second time.

"Oppa... do you want me?" Sullyoon asked, seductively and putting her hands on his underwear bulge.

"Sullyoon, I want you..."

"Would you stay with me? And not leave me again?" Sullyoon asked the question, looking at him in the eye...

"Yes... I won't leave you." Y/n said, certain.

He will not anyone else claim her.

And then... Sullyoon sucked his cock again, this time, giving Y/n the pleasure of his life.

Y/n laid his hands on her head and guided her slowly as she continued sucking his dick.

"So good..." Y/n praised Sullyoon.

As sounds of Sullyoon slurping on his sick, filled the room.

SLURP SLURP SLURP

Suddenly, when Sullyoon felt Y/n's dick expanding, Y/n pushed her head away and jerked his dick off, spurts of cum exploding onto her face.

Looking at Sullyoon who was surprised by what just happened. Y/n quickly used his shirt to wipe the cum off her face.

"I'm sorry... I should have told you." Y/n said apologetically.

"It's okay. Is that what you like?" Sullyoon asked, curious.

"Yeah... I wanted to... cum on Hyewon's face after a blowjob but..."

"But Hyewon Unnie never allows you do that, doesn't she." Sullyoon said, helping him to finish out his sentence.

Y/n nodded.

"It's okay, with me. You can do it." Sullyoon comforted him, laying her hands on him.

"I will go clean up." She said, walking over to the toilet.

Y/n laid on the bed, waiting for Sullyoon to comeback.

He smell the sheets and pillow, it had Sullyoon's fragrance. It smelt so good...

Soon, Sullyoon returns and laid beside Y/n.

"Oppa, let's take a rest. When we wake up... I want you to fuck me... fuck me hard." Sullyoon said, her hair helping to highlight her beauty.

"I will make sure to fuck you good... I have been under a lot of stress lately." Y/n whispered to her, as he gently caressed her face.

"Was my blowjob good?" She asked.

"Yes... it helped me get rid alot of the stress." Y/n admitted.

They hugged each other and slept for a few hours together on the bed.

Until... Y/n woke up to the sound and feeling of Sullyoon sucking on his cock in the early morning.

Y/n sighed... "You are so good..."

Sullyoon got up and looked at Y/n, her slightly messy. But it only turned on Y/n even more.

Sullyoon then got up and started to impale herself on Y/n's cock, riding him.

Y/n's eye turned up and was enjoying himself as Sullyoon tried to go up and down on his cock.

"Oppa you like this?" Sullyoon asked Y/n, who's hand laid around her waist, helping her.

Y/n simply nodded, as he struggled to contain the feeling.

Soon, Sullyoon slowed down and Y/n could tell she was starting to get tired.

He lifted Sullyoon off him and put her down infront of him. And started to fuck her doggy style.

Sullyoon felt each thrust deep inside her as she struggled to stay up as Y/n continued fucking her.

"Oppa it feels good!" Sullyoon shouted, and started moaning.

Her moans started to fill the room and she was so loud that it might actually disturb the neighbours but neither Y/n or Sullyoon cared about the noise at the moment.

Then Sullyoon started lying down and she was breathing heavily.

"I'm tired, fuck me missionary." Sullyoon said, wrapping her hands around Y/n.

Y/n started to fuck her missionary and showcasing his stamina for fucking, making sure he got to fuck her good and making his imaginations come true.

Sullyoon moaned as each of Y/n's thrust was filling up her well.

"Oppa! Fuck me faster!" Sullyoon screamed.

Hearing Sullyoon call him daddy, made Y/n feel something different. Soon, Y/n started to slow down but he tried to maintain his pace.

"I'm going to cum! Sullyoon!"

"Cum in me, Oppa!" Sullyoon said, as she held on tighter to Y/n.

As Y/n emptied his balls into Sullyoon's pussy, he sighed satisfied.

"You are so good, Oppa!" Sullyoon smiled, kissing Y/n.

"Yeah..." As Y/n tried to catch his breath, he laid down beside her.

"I will take care of you." Y/n promised.

"Will you spend time with me?" Sullyoon asked, curious.

"I can't promise much but... I will spend time with you and make you happy. I promise that I will try my best to make you happy with me." Y/n said.

Sullyoon smiled and hugged him.

#kpop smut #nmixx sullyoon #sullyoon

[000recover]

12.31.23

today, i came to a realization (i do that a lot, these days!) about where some of my problems have been coming from.

so much of the shit i've gone through, from when i was really young to now, especially the things that have formed so much of the kind of person i am now, have been around my choice being taken away-- i've been left in a lot of places where my autonomy has been stripped or violated. and that's a scary thing! that's a terrifying thing, and it's also a thing that's happened enough times that i started letting myself believe that i didn't have a choice in anything happening to me anymore. everything became the fault of something else-- i couldn't help that i have a fucked up body, blame my parents. i can't help the fact that i react like this, blame my father figures, blah blah. i could go on for a while with how embedded in me this idea has become. i think it was part of how i justified still being affected by my trauma -- the idea that irreversible damage had been done to me that i could never come back from. and technically on a scientific level, that probably is true. i have a lot of the diagnoses and problems i do because of how severely it affected my brain and how i process stress.

my cool hippie therapy friend i met last year and i did a lot of work together on the idea of recognizing other people as human and therefore inherently deserving of love; and the one person i couldn't ever really find it in myself to apply it to was my father. which, in my defense, would be a really really hard thing; he did hurt me really profoundly as a very young person, and that creates so much deep hurt. and i knew he was a person-- but he'd caused so much harm to myself and the rest of my family, i considered him irredeemable.

i think another thing i really struggle with still is the idea that people are not their actions, and people can change if their actions do. maybe its because so many things happened when i was so young that i've developed this really one-sided, black and white picture of people. and yea, some things are kind of unforgiveable actions, including a lot of stuff i've gone through both as a child and as an adult. part of understanding who i am as a person is probably going to be figuring out what i feel comfortable forgiving, and what i don't. my father has said for a while that he's sober now and i haven't believed him once, i think partially because i understand now too how much addiction really fucks with what's okay to lie about. but knowing that he's a person, and i'm technically a person too, then that same logic i apply to him and other people i've hurt applies to me too, right?

maybe that's part of what scares me so much about being in trouble. if i've fucked up, if i've hurt someone, if i've caused damage, then that's totally permanent. why should i move on from that? that's who i am as a person, now. and i think this year especially, the stress and the shame and the hurt really started to get to me, and between everything going on in my own life, and being hurt by my ex cheating on me, and the things i might have done to contribute to that situation, i just stopped being willing to face it. i hid from the shame in substances and if i made another mistake, i'd just start drinking again. i'd apologize with my body, because all it's ever been to me is a tool, and then i'd get triggered and hate myself even more, and act out again or just skip straight to drinking over it. i justified hurting with more hurt. and yea, it kinda sucks of a lot of people to accept that apology, but that's not a reason for me to keep doing it over and over again.

so what's my solution, then? well, one step is being willing to actually be accountable for some of the dumb shit i've been up to, i guess, but that's hard when it still feels like me fucking up is death penalty worthy. so i guess the real first step, now that i've figured out where and what the wound is, is to stitch it up. therapy time! unpacking more of my irrational core beliefs! challenging them! understanding where and what my real values lie! and, as previously stated, probably figuring out which hurt in my life i'm ready to forgive and which i need to just acknowledge and move on from. maybe get some closure here and there. which, some of the deep hurt that still comes out is probably going to take a lot longer. i probably won't ever be totally done, especially with how wedged some of my illnesses have become in my brain folds. but that's part of life, i guess.

also with that is going to be accepting that some relationships can't or won't be repaired. which is tough, and has to come from me on some levels, too. that's going to be another thing to figure out. and with that is gonna be accountability too. and here's the real kicker; after that, i get to choose to be different. i kept thinking for so long that if i was really healed, i'd just be able to start doing things. i forget how long it takes to form or kick a habit, but it's probably a lot longer than i've been letting my impatient self have.

yea, i did get pretty shitty again for a while. i've been stuck in a bit of a loop the last few months especially, and this whole year has been rough on the progress i've made. i did a lot of things that remind me of stuff other addicts in my family have done. a lot of it was in response to hurt, but that doesn't justify what i've done. i've become so wrapped up in the person that people hurt that i haven't done any growing from it. i can be sorry for what i've done, but i won't change until i'm willing to move on from it. which means letting other people move on, too (is this what my friend meant by the difference between pain and suffering?)

i think maybe then i can start to have the life i've really wanted. i have a lot of ideas of where this is going to take me. but, more importantly, it's the new year! the best time to set real, tangible goals! so i'm going to make myself a list of resolutions and keep them here, somewhere really visible, for accountability. my friend is coming over tonight so i doubt i'll post again until tomorrow at the earliest. happy new year!

#recovery #sobriety #addiction recovery #substance abuse #alcoholism #mental health #diary #journal

[violentviolette]

is it normal when trying to research pds you might have to feel a kinda vehement denial about it? ive been researching aspd for years (finally got comfortable saying i have it) but just recently started looking into npd and it feels like every time i see a person talking about their experiences with it my brain gets really cagey about it. i'll go from "oh yeah i totally get x thing" to "i am absolutely NOT someone with npd" to trying to justify that thought to myself??? tbf i've gone through this before with aspd and having to slowly break down my hang ups about it but i'm just curious if this is normal or has some underlying meaning to it and isn't some crazy bought of internalized ableism that won't go away lol. i realize you might not be the best person to ask about this since you're professionally diagnosed iirc but i digress

oh yea i think thats absolutely a very common thing that happens and i think its kind of an expected part of the process, especially in the early stages. i think there's multiple factors and things that go into what builds those kinds of responses but i think its just kind of natural given the nature of all this stuff i never had that issue with my aspd diagnosis, because id been diagnosed with CD so early on i always knew i didnt have empathy and so i just didnt reject it like that. but the first time a therapist suggested i might have npd i flipped out about it internally lol i was like "oh absolutely not i definitly dont have that" and struggled and fought with it for a while. even once id accepted i probably did have it, i was still really mad about it i think it's kind of natural when uve thought about urself one way for a chunk of ur life, to at first reject anything that challenges that or says that u might be someone different and ur motives might not be what u thought they were. and i think this is exacerbated when u have a cluster b disorder because of all the stigma surrounding them and how much shame and negativity is just unavoidable

sometimes there's also the "uniqueness" factor. a lot of us experienced heavy rejection as kids and learned very quickly that we were not like others and our experiences were very different. this can create a kind of defensive bubble where we reject identifying with others in order to preserve that feeling of otherness/uniqueness/specialness because we have learned to find comfort in it and challenging that can break a lot of other maladaptive coping mechanisms we've built so we shy away from it. this can also go in the negative direction where we second guess ourselves by downplaying our own experiences and invalidating our symptoms. things like "oh well im not that bad they have it way worse i dont qualify cause its only a little" type of mindsets i also think for npd especially, there can be a kind of uncomfortableness with seeing our own symptoms reflected back at us at first. i have a hard time being close friends with other ppl with npd because when i recognize behaviors in them that i also do, i get really uncomfortable and embarrassed. it triggers a lot of my own insecurities and anxieties and so there's that initial knee jerk reaction to be like "im Not like that" even when deep down we know we are. i think thats understandable given our disorders and struggles and is just something that u have to work to slowly break down. npd comes with a lot of feelings of shame and rejection and so it just takes time to unwrite that instinct, but i do think it eventually goes away for most people especially if ur actively acknowledging it and working on it

#jack.speaks #anon #npd #cluster b pd #aspd #cluster b

[mondaymelon]

Re: SKZ comeback teasers - I SAW and I'm so o|< kind of glad I'm calmed down from the mania of buying every single skz related thing for a year now (given that these mfs release like a comeback every 6 months im actually JFKSNFKSNFJE TAKE A BREAK?? YOU'RE LITERALLY RECOGNIZED NOW?? TAYLOR SWIFT LITERALLY VIBED WITH 5STAR-) but yeah im still very updated about their song releases 👁👁

I've been well actually!!! (semi-well/lh)haven't found a map but like, studying is boring but i have to feed something to the braincells, went back to doing crochet, bought a display tablet for myself with the money I saved up (have yet to draw on it, bc studying), went to that HSR restaurant event (since my country participated in the time to feast collab; did I mention I'm a dan heng kisser now - i swear the pipeline is rlly from xiao to heng'er. ntm people voted that they're both ISTJs 🧍‍♀️)

Re: Vampires - there's an old old thing i read (off another fanfic, i think) where like vampires have soulmates and if they feed off their blood it's like the soulmate, if human, wont feel pain (quite the opposite) and they their blood would taste like smth nostalgic or anything that temporarily reconnects them to their human self - or anything that would feel... whats the word... euphoric??? Idk maybe my brain hallucinated like half of the concept but here you go

-lost children anon

NO. BRING BACK THE MANIA. WALLETS DONT MATTER WHEN IT COMES TO S T R AY K I D S. HO O

ahem. YEA YEA FR IF TAYLoR SWIFT VIBES TO THEM tHAT MEANS THAT ARE A FEDERAL BAnGER GROUP 1!!! i dont know if im allowed to say theyre like "undderrated" considering how many fans they are but they really deserve sooooooOOO much more!! love them so much ehehehhe

dunno if ive asked you this before but who's your bias, if you have one?? me personally i gotta love jinnie and.. yea. my bias wrecker is probably lee know. NOT THe AIR FRYer DUO HEPL 😭😭

ahhh yeay!! glad to hear youve been doing well lmao because honestly none of the people ik have been :) we are but silly little people on a silly blue and green orb doing silly things (OMG ANON yOURE SO OOOOO COOL WHAT THE FUCK GOING TO AN HSR CAFE SOUNDS SO FUN TAKE Me WITH YOU PLE A S E ) and yes. dan heng is justified. hes so pretty. like what.

WE ARE ALL dAN HENG KISSERS HERE!! DAN HENG NATION RISE UP!!!

hehehhee anonnnn thats a verrry siilly idea... i might just still it (DEVIOUS CACKLING JUHEHEHEHEEEHEHHEHEHE AND YOU CANT STO PME AMUHAHAHAHAHHA)

#★ ˎˊ˗ melonrambles! #★ ˎˊ˗ inbox. #★ ˎˊ˗ lost children anon!! #AHAHAHAHAH #AHAHHAhAHA #YES #CRY #SOB #SCREAM IN ANGUISH #THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO #AGAINST MY OMNIPOTENCE!! #IN THE WISE WORDS OF YUI: “ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY AND CUTE MELON!!!!!”

[yackers]

okay so I've been rewatching some of s3 and I'm unsure how to feel. Like in many cases Patricia's jealousy is way overdramatic but in some cases (esp when eddie was checking out the same woman that his dad was 🤢) its kinda justified?? ugh idk these two really needed to work on their communication

see what I’ve said before that’s always made sense to me is that patricia’s over the top jealousy towards kt and eddie is, at first especially, a result of eddie using mara to make her jealous when he was mad at her the previous year. like you said about their frankly insane problems with communication, they tend to convey how they’re feeling towards each other exclusively through actions like just being randomly rude to each other or ignoring each other or using someone else to make the other jealous. so like in s3 when kt first arrives, patricia is unaware of eddie’s visions about her and knows that he’s mad at her about what happened over the summer so she assumes that lines like “you’re the girl from my dream” are like bad attempts at flirting with another girl in front of her to piss her off. he then proceeds to literally follow kt around everywhere and stuff and without context it just looks like he’s coming on way too strong. especially considering the fact she still liked him and could’ve wanted to make up with him when they got back to school. like she’s wayyy too mean to kt and I’m not saying that she was right for that but it’s not uncharacteristic of patricia because she’s always been mean to and wary of new people due to her trust issues and fear of like change within her home. and I’m not saying her reactions to everything aren’t rooted in jealousy because like they are but she also got mad at how much time nina and fabian spent together in s1 because she didn’t trust her and was mad that fabian did like she’s just overly protective of the house I think. she’s also just scared of losing him to girl that you can tell she secretly thinks is pretty cool.

and then her jealousy within her relationship with eddie once they’re back together is like you said a result of them being really shit at communicating. they never really have conversations about their relationship and tell each other when they’re mad so like when she sees him hug kt around a time when things had been a little rocky between them she retaliates by spending time with ben because they’re still barely able to be vulnerable enough with each other (especially her) to be able to say when things bother them. the whole talk they finally have where they actually say to each other that they only have feelings for each other only actually happens once patricia’s soul is gone ffs. (which is part of why a lot of her sinner behaviour feels so off because she’s never usually that open with her feelings).

and yea like that yucky yuck yuck scene you mentioned (that was sooo unnecessary bc yea 🤮) like I don’t even necessarily think that’s jealousy because to have the audacity to check out a random woman in front of your girlfriend does just mean you should get whacked. I think that’s just the show setting her up for the tricks denby plays on her later on. it builds a foundation for her distrust of eddie’s fidelity which is then built upon by denby mentioning his wandering eyes (I think that might have been right before this scene actually), the love letter and then eventually the messages.

so I don’t even think she’s necessarily ever crazily jealous for like just the sake of drama like a lot of people suggest about s3. her insecurity and trust issues become her arc that leads to her downfall and sinner capture because for three seasons she’s barely been able to trust anyone to consistently care about her and look out for her and I actually think that in a show that relies so much on teamwork and camaraderie it’s pretty cool for that to be a fatal flaw.

I will say that in tor it’s just kinda weird like you could argue that it’s because she’s upset about them taking her place in the house and stuff but like the show was just weird for implying that there could ever have been any romance between supposedly 14 year old sophia and 18 year old eddie and it wasted the last time the audience had with the show’s fan favourite couple for the sake of like the pink dress gag. tor was just written really badly in general though like I love it but I never take it too seriously.

#this was so much I’m sorry #but like I genuinely love doing like think pieces about this show #like never hesitate to send me stuff like this because I have so many thoughts about everything #house of anubis #ask #anon #txt

[damnhotmsimmons]

Episode 6-True Conviction

Caution: Spoilers below

The BAU is back after the winter hiatus. Here are my thoughts

We start off where 16x05 left off

Yay, JJ is awake (even though she’s most likely in pain and scarred for life)

Penelope “I take back every mean thing I said.” Garcia. Still don’t understand how Garvez is not a thing

Luke is yet to be seen, which worries me, even though I know he’s alive

Emily saying “Wheels Up” for the first time. The jet is back and the iconic line is back

Luke is alive, but he’s in a much worse condition than JJ

Oh shit, Elias witnessed the whole thing

another flashback to the unsub’s past, in this case, it’s Elias

great, another Elias centric storyline and how he became a serial killer

“How are you doing kids.” Love how Rossi is being the overall father-figure to JJ and Luke

“We’re ready to find this son of a bitch.” Don’t messed with a pissed off JJ, Elias

Wtf?! Elias told JJ and Luke to get out of there? I guess he’s smart enough to know the repercussions about killing two federal agents

So Benjamin is dead, great. Not that I’d miss him but considering his background and being a benefactor to the network, I’d assume he’d stay awhile

So Elias won’t risk killing two FBI agents but killing Benjamin, son of a political figure is another thing

I love seeing JJ and Luke back in action but I feel like they’d still need to rest to recover quickly

“Somebody or something made this guy very good.” Yea Dave, I’m afraid that might be your books (based on that one photo)

Bailey telling Emily about the fallout and repercussions of Benjamin killing his mother, a Senator and saying how people claim that Benjamin is Sicarius. They wouldn’t be in this mess had you not let Benjamin go free

Emily once again being done with Bailey’s bullshit

I never liked Tyler though it’s sad that his sister is truly confirmed to be dead

Luke gushing over the new jet

The Herrera case being the one that launched Rebecca’s career

Goddammit cm writers, then again, they can’t seem to let any of the couples be happy. It still hurts the most with Tebecca since they’re the first wlw couple in cm

I’m gonna dread the unnecessary drama for Tebecca

It’s nice to see Emily help Tara out and being the one who does the interview as she doesn’t want to see Tebecca have a fallout over this

So Tyler is free due to helping the BAU

Please don’t set up Garcia/Green

Even if they put aside their differences, it’s odd that Garcia is suddenly acting so joyful towards Tyler being free

Suddenly, Garcia is worried about Tyler. Sorta justified since he did find out his sister is dead but I fear this will give the writers an excuse to set them up together

Garcia being happy Luke and JJ are okay and giving them a big hug

“Even Luke...” Wtf Garcia, what happened to “I take back every mean thing i said..”

Okay Silvio looks like an older version of Diego Luna and I can’t unsee that

Jesus, that guy tried to attack Luke. My man is having a rough time this episode

Not me being emotional over the Willifer scene. I understand JJ’s decision to take some days off after the Sicarius case

I love Will “we got your back” Lamontagne 

Not Garcia having to bail Tyler out and taking him to her apartment, at least it explains why he’s suddenly at her apartment, but again, I fear that they’re setting things up for them

Poor Garcia, now she has to replace her rug

Tyler throwing up is me when the writers try to make Greencia a thing. It’s also me when they try to break Tebecca up

So Elias has a scar on his back

They gave Zach an obviously crappy wig, like wtf is up with that 90s-00s boy band haircut. It does not look good

Elias reading one of Rossi’s books, Rossi has bad luck with unsubs being inspired by his books and an innocent woman (who also reads his books) being killed 

I’m sure Zach is a good actor but I don’t know if I can see him capable of playing Elias being shy and meek

Maria begging Elias to let her go, sadly Elias can’t save her

Wait a second, so he did try to help Maria, yea this will not end well

Maria stabbing Elias in the back and Elias’ uncle being the one who kills her

“Mala Noche” suddenly I have flashbacks to CSI: Miami

Ugh, Rebecca being upset at Tara, why writers why? what happened to their pinky promise

“Right now, you’re going to lose me.” “Don’t say that.” Tara being the cm fandom in this scene

I just want to hug Tara

No one can never be happy with someone in CM

I appreciate Luke reaching out to Garcia

Oh god, not Tara interrogating Silvio

It’s been a while since she brought up her expertise as a forensic psychologist

Tara talking about her past relationships and bringing up how Rebecca makes her happy, god I’m so emotional over Tebecca. Shame on you cm writers

“Mi novio.” Wait, this guy has a fiancee? Did not expect that

Emily and Luke’s reaction to Tyler staying at Garcia’s apartment. Poor Luke though

Garcia and Tyler having a moment. Oh no, please don’t tell me they’re about to kis-Oh THANK GOD Garcia stopped it

So Elias killed his uncle and said uncle is haunting him

wait nvm, he’s not dead

Is Cyrus the name of Elias’ uncle or an alias he goes by?

I hate seeing a pissed off Rebecca and sad!Tara

Garcia and Tyler taking a walk

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Suddenly the Jeid confession is nothing compared this (It’s still bad, but you get what I mean)

Rebecca telling Tara she’s not coming home, my heart breaks for them

It’s saddening when she told her that she has never went against Tara but is hurt that she wasn’t honest to her about it

“Family’s what kills you.” Possible foreshadowing of Elias’ fate at the end of the season? 

 Honestly, this episode pissed me off more than it should be, from the complete 180 on the Tebecca relationship to the Greencia relationship that came out of nowhere. So far, the Willifer scene and the Garcia/JJ/Luke hug are the few parts I actually liked in this episode. The new jet looks nice, particularly in the day. This episode was a stepdown compared to the previous episodes, which sucks considering how good the first five episodes were (even if episode 4 was okay ish than good)

  There’s so many scenes that pissed me off in this episode. I can only imagine how things will go in episode 7 and the rest of the season

#criminal minds #criminal minds evolution #cme spoilers #cm spoilers #cm 16x06 #cme 1x06 #david rossi #jennifer jareau #penelope garcia #tara lewis #luke alvez #emily prentiss

[northwest-cryptid]

Tumblr is such an interesting website because if you ask me as someone who frequents a lot of old websites, forums, and the like; it’s actually extremely similar to those sorts of “closed groups” in that it’s entirely user curated to the point 90% of the people who I interact with or who interact with me are part of at least 1 if not more common interests; for me it’s mainly ProjMoon related media. But it also almost entirely, though sadly not completely; lacks the toxicity we so often see on those sites, or even other social media sites; this is going to go a little all over the place but if you’re curious you know the drill by now here’s a little “keep reading” thing and my thoughts on everything will be below it:

We see this in a lot of forums on the internet that take up almost cult like “us vs them” motifs where even the admins involved will intentionally scare away or bully newcomers who get too comfortable and start actually, you know; using the website. However what’s really cool about tumblr is that because it’s such a diverse web of these sorta closed groups, we don’t see that here.

We totally do in some fandom spaces don’t get me wrong, but I genuinely feel comfortable just posting whatever random stuff comes to mind. I don’t believe any of my mutuals or even followers would randomly decide to say I’m no longer welcome or allowed to post in ProjMoon tags simply because “you also posted about some other random thing one time” it’s cool because in a sense this site functions as a way for us to get to know one another on a deeper level if desired, but while it gives me the power to DM someone, or send them an inbox message it also gives them the power to simply not answer it, to block me, or to go about their business as if I don’t exist and the thing is; doing so won’t effect how the site functions for them.

As a content creator albeit a casual one, using twitter was so strange because if I didn’t have enough followers for someone, they might not give me the time of day. Which yea it sounds scummy, because it is. However that doesn’t mean it wasn’t so commonplace that it was normalized and greatly accepted by other content creators who would often justify it with saying things like “we need to focus on growing our brand and if you’re not going to help us grow our brand then we just don’t have time for you because this is work this isn’t socializing.” Which man, this is why I literally go on record saying “I don’t like vtubers” I don’t mean Hololive or Nijisanji or any professional studio, I literally mean up and coming vtubers on twitter who have around 1,000 followers and think they’re such hot shit that they don’t have the time for someone with say 200 or so followers simply because “mah brand” 

tumblrs system functions in such a way however, where my follower count, and your follower count are things that are entirely nonimportant. Like, how many followers do I have? Take a guess? Here’s your answer: does it matter? At the end of the day no matter how many followers I have it doesn’t really change anything about me. It doesn’t gauge my ability to make a “banger post” or to fit in with a community, it doesn’t give you any understanding of how well I can joke around or put on a show. All it does is give you an arbitrary number to judge my worth by. 

What always amused me so much about my time actively trying to grow an audience via twitter was that so often I’d see these streamers with 1000+ followers only getting about 2 - 5 active viewers, and the best part about that is that genuinely a majority of the time that was them asking myself or the others they were in a collab with to also view their stream to help boost ratings, the people watching weren’t from their thousands of followers, it was literally maybe their 1 regular and the other people streaming with them or half the time literally themselves on a phone or in a different window. However they still looked at their flashy 1,000+ follower count and said “I’m better than you.” 

This is how we’re raised on the internet, we’re raised and conditioned to believe if my number is bigger than your number I am socially better and that I should be held in a higher regard than you, that you should desire to be my friend because I have an inherent worth that you do not. 

I mean okay hear me out real quick, when I tell you “I’m a vtuber/streamer/content creator” if that excites you at all, does it excite you because “my friend is a content creator and I would love to see what kind of silly content they make having got to know them and enjoying my interaction with them!” Or perhaps does it excite you because “maybe I could get popular by being their friend! They must have a huge following who would give anything to talk to them like I do!” While posing it like this absolutely does make it seem like a very “selfless vs selfish” reasoning, I promise it’s not that cut and dry; but at the end of the day I always find it interesting how people often find my more interesting when they hear I’m a streamer and content creator, but lose all that interest the moment they hear that I average between 5 - 15 active viewers. They don’t care that those regulars are really cool people who I’ve genuinely enjoyed getting to know and who I am always happy to see in my chat, and who I don’t address as “chat” but rather have gotten to know well enough that I can address them by their name or at the very least their username because I feel it’s a level of respect that should be shared when my audience is still small enough for me to do so. I understand if you have literally tens of thousands of messages scrolling by, you would have to distance yourself a degree from every viewer of course; but when I see someone with 3 viewers refer to their audience as “chat” it bothers me because it feels so subhuman to simply disregard the idea that there’s another living breathing person on the other side of the screen who is giving you their time and attention.

What does this have to do with tumblr? Well simply put tumblr is no different, I know it sounds silly or maybe even stupid for me to say this but I don’t enjoy looking over all my notes because “oh man I’m so popular and I get so much validation from seeing everyone interacting with me” but rather I really enjoy reading through everyone’s tags on posts they reblog from me because it’s a way for me to get to know them a little better, and it leads to me actually checking out their blogs and enjoying their original content, and this allows me in turn to piece together a little more about who they are as a person, and it makes me feel interested in reaching out and saying hi even if it takes a while for a conversation to really get started or even if they don’t respond right away or at all. I find that this site gives me a way to interact with others while being able to do my own thing and they get to in turn choose exactly how much of their time and attention they wish to give me, but they can always learn more about how I think and how I feel about things by looking through what I reblog or checking out my personal posts so they also have an idea of who they are talking to.

tumblr is a website that doesn’t ask me to fully identify myself, it doesn’t ask me to give you my first and last name, birth place, mothers maiden name, and my social security number; it asks instead for all the information you might need to start a budding friendship with someone, what am I into? What sort of things do I enjoy doing, engaging with, eating, listening to. This means you can latch onto any one aspect of those things and go “oh hey me too!” It helps break down intimidating walls and barriers.

I enjoy vtubing as a streamer because I don’t have to put MYSELF out there, I don’t have to be on camera, if I’m not having a great day and my hair is messy it doesn’t matter, if I don’t want to wear a shirt that’s okay too. However I still get to put everything that makes me who I am out there. I still share my opinions, I still play my favorite games, I still discuss my favorite music or joke around with my community.  It’s why I was offended on behalf of their viewers when a vtuber I was collabing with started outright ignoring the individuality of their audience distancing themselves harshly from the maybe 3 or 4 people who bothered to come out and support them.

I am not about to tell someone what boundaries they can or can’t set for themselves, but it does feel a bit rude to not give people the time of day, when they have given you theirs. It’s why I tell my community outright “the chat box is your domain, the live stream is mine; and all my streams are a collaborative effort between you and I to have a good time.” I once admitted on stream that the entire reason I enjoy streaming has nothing to do with the potential of fame or fortune but rather because it’s simply fun to feel like I’m sitting on a couch with good friends playing a game I enjoy and having everyone sitting on the couch with me going “wait who’s this Netzach guy? I thought we were talking to the Purple dude? I LEFT FOR 2 MINUTES AND NOW HE’S DEPRESSED” 

At the end of the day I’ve grown up as “the little guy” the person who didn’t have friends, the person who wasn’t good at music, art, or media; I’m not even great at playing video games or telling jokes. But what I am good at is treating people with genuine respect and kindness because I know all too well what it feels like to be judged by a number, whether it be your age, your follower count, or how much content you make. 

A friend of mine always tells me they feel a little sad when their art doesn’t get as many notes as they hoped it would; and we once had a discussion about how we have been conditioned by living on the internet to desire outside validation rather than being able to genuinely be happy with something. We have to not only be happy with the creation ourselves, but also see that others also deem it important and good, otherwise the imposter syndrome kicks in pretty hard.

I still remember when I once befriended a few people in an old mmorpg only to have their guild officer ask me why I was always hanging around with their guild, I explained that I was friends with some of the members and I felt like I fit in; he then told me I was an arrogant asshole and it’s something that stuck with me because I literally didn’t know the guy. Yet to this day I always favor putting myself down rather than building myself up, and tell people that “I used to be an arrogant asshole” which is funny considering I used to be, and still am; actually a very depressed idiot who just wants to make friends with people and has an extremely low self esteem. However whenever I try to feel confident or catch myself feeling good about myself I’m reminded that I’m just “an arrogant asshole” and that’s specifically why I’m careful about the company that I keep these days. 

That’s how the internet is, everything becomes a matter of “survival” where you feel a need to put yourself first even if it hurts others, and you might not even realize you’re doing it. It’s a sort of culture where we are so hardcore focused on “us vs them” that we have no idea that “they” are part of us, just a part we vaguely don’t agree with and therefore we divide ourselves off from. I have found that I walk a very fine line between “protect yourself and your mental health, block people who you don’t wish to interact with or who have wronged you, and never be afraid to set boundaries” and also “be kind to others and give everyone a chance because you never know if inviting a friendship today could be something you come to cherish in 10 years when you’re now very good friends with people all over the world all because you allowed yourself a moment of indifference and understanding.” 

On one hand I believe everyone deserves respect and to be heard and to be given the time of day, but much like how a streamer might distance themselves from their audience for the sake of setting boundaries; I cannot fault someone for being even overly cautious on the internet because I have surely been burnt far too many times for opening my arms to the wrong people and inviting friendship when I didn’t realize it would end in ruin. 

#Weird long post of rambling that goes completely haywire halfways through #but there's a lot of personal thoughts in here #anyways if you're interested in that sorta thing I guess this is one of my TED talk moments lol

[quillsink]

Felix's gay infodumping part who knows how many

This episode: The boys in the band

So this is a really old play (i mean it, it's pretty old, somewhere around 60s-70s if I remember right) and then they made a movie out of it not much after and THEN in 2018 they made a revival and T H E N finally in 2020 they made another movie with the 2018 cast on Netflix

The original one is also considered pretty much the first real gay movie in america, with 8 (eight!!) very openly gay characters (not necessarily open towards the world but openly as in very vocally and obviously towards the audience) and one more character who's kind of implied to be gay but it's up to interpretation and also he sucks so moving on

The 2018 cast. That's just. It's everything. Literally every. Single. Actor. Is. Openly. Gay.

There's more famous people like Jim Parsons and Zachary Quinto and Matt Bomer there's also my Andrew Rannells and his boyfriend (yes as in actual irl boyfriend) Tuc Watkins (they got together because of this play which is amazing) ✨Robin de Jesús✨who's been one of my favorites since Tick tick boom and a bunch of other people I can't recall rn

The plot itself is basically that a gay friend group gathers together to celebrate the birthday of their also gay friend, but the host's college hetero friend accidentally ends up at the same place at the same time and he's the "I'm fine with gay people as long as the don't shove it into my face" kind of straight who doesn't realize his college friend is gay and slowly comes to the realization that literally everyone around him is not so heterosexual EXCEPT at one point it turns out he might've had a fling with a guy and is just ten feet deep in the closet but since it's still the 60s homophobia is very much a thing so yea

Also at one point they decide to play a game where everyone has to call someone they truly love on the telephone and tell them they love them and they get points but it goes awfully wrong of course.

But the thing is. There are so many flavors of gay and it's so.. Real. Like, there's the religious gay who's trying to balance his beliefs with his sexuality, there's the "freshly out of marriage" gay who just divorced his wife and still trying to maintain some kind of heterosexual image (very similar to Marvin in Falsettos might i mention) the very promiscuous gay who's not willing to give up having sex with multiple people even after he settles in a relationship (the previous two are dating and they manage to come to an agreement by the end which works for both of them which is amazing tbh), there's the flamboyant gay who's getting the most weird looks and is more of a victim to homophobia and just. So much. But it's still not like being gay is their only personality trait so that's awesome

It IS kind of a depressing one, which people have tried to attack it for because it seems to kind of fall into the "all gays hate themselves" trope, but tbh, I want to emphasize the fact that it's set in the time where homosexuality was pretty much still illegal so I feel like it's at least a bit justified and i think it's important to see from a gay history standpoint to see how far we've come and everything. So yeah I love The boys in the band with all my heart if I didn't make it obviously yet, not even *just* because my favorite actor is in it and hotter than eve-

Uh ignore that last part

That's it, Felix out

Woaaaah that sounds like really cool and complex I’ll have to watch it sometime!!

#i cant think of much to say but this was really fun to read pls feel free to infodump whenever u want to!! /gen #ask #felix/flame

[cloudburstsapphire]

STRANGER THINGS 4 SPOILERS!!!!

this prob won’t make sense but I gotta put this out here SOMEwhere LOL

also have to say I am Not a professional writer obvi, and that I just wanna do a fun reimagining bc alongside with Eddie dying in general, the reason why he did and how it was justified just

Did not sit well with me lmfao, as well as other things like with Jason bc I got severely caught up in this reimagining LOL

SO what I thought of was this:

Dustin somehow forces Eddie to get back to Hawkins, either by throwing him(lmfao) or giving him a pep talk about how "yea fending off the bats seem braver, but it’s stupid as shit and all the running is the smartest and only thing you can do right now” and how he’ll prob show how he’ll won’t run away at some point (foreshadowing heheheheheee)

They sneak off to the Vecna house and see that the jocks are there and panic before hearing Erica getting tackled and yelling at the jock dude (forgot his name lmfao)

They sneak attack and hit the dude, Erica landing that CRIT HIT! and run into the house where they find the door locked

Eddie continues to panic as he knows that Jason is there but Dustin and Erica give a pep talk, realizing this is The Moment™ 

“I won’t run away this time.”

All three bust down the door and see Jason overpowering Lucas

Eddie goes over to Jason, prob mocks him (devil horns he did earlier or something Eddie like lmfao) and helps beating him up along with Lucas and Dustin

sooooo ngl I kinda forgot that it was near the point where the walkman was broken woops LOL so maybe like:

Either Erica had an extra walkman and copy of Running Up The Hill in case something went array, or Eddie throws it at Erica while beating the shit outta Jason, or fuck maybe Dustin could try and make it work despite it literally broken from it being stepped on lmfao

Dustin, Lucas and Eddie all say to Jason about how he’s the one doing cultish things, with rallying the town on his side and all, and then knock him out cold

Max (possibly with injuries though not as severe as in the actual show) comes back and reunites with Lucas and the others, Eddie very happy and delighted as well since he was able to help save Max, redeeming himself in his eyes for not feeling like he was able to save Chrissy

El defeats Dream/Memory(?) Vecna, with Steve, Robin and Nancy helping to “defeat” him physically in the Upside Down, and Eddie and the gang run away, leaving Jason in the house behind

Though of course he’s looming over the gang, and ends up going into Jason’s mindscape

Either he torments Jason like the others, or he actually appears as some sort of angel, possibly Chrissy dressed in angelic clothing and wings, talking about he can’t give up on wiping out the cult of Hellfire; “We need to work together, so that you can avenge me, and make that man Eddie pay for what he did!”

so either Vecna kills him and opens the gates OR !!! and hear me out even further LOL

The gates still open, But Jason is instead possessed, somewhat similarly to how Billy was

The two days later happen, Eddie might still be hiding or is in custody, with the gang trying to prove his innocence

Things go about similarly to how they did in the actual show, except Jason comes back

He seems, very calm. Possibly content? Though his appearance says otherwise. It’s not super obvious, but something is up with his eyes, his skin having slight tendrils. Most likely his eyes tho lol

He is seen walking through the town, helping of course, as he is the town’s golden child

He secretly taints the food and water of those around him, the essence of Vecna being implanted in the people of the town slowly, but surely.

He talks more and more with the townsfolk, about how Surely the Hellfire Cult did this, the ritual that Eddie has done made this earthquake happen, who else would have done it?!

Sounds crazy at first, but slowly, starts to sound more and more....convincing.

The Cult of Vecna is beginning to form.

and that’s prob how my imagining of 4 woulda ended LOL

again, I apologize if I came across as uppity I just think this just woulda been more powerful in general

1. Jason was one the main reason (besides the police) why Eddie was running away, and having Eddie actually coming back and beat Jason up is SO much more impactful than what actually happened

and 2. The scenes where Jason was able to rally a group of people and make them feel a certain way (similar to a cult leader) made me think he was going to become a more significant villain, fusing with Vecna to form the Cult of Vecna irl

also Max living is half due bc I felt like her nearing death and going into a coma undid the Running Up The Hill sequence in Vol 1 and half bc I don’t want her to die LOL which I acknowledge those are just personal preferences I have for her character and what happens 

all of this is personal preference but yea LMAO

dnjkvnunines Idk this prob is bad I JUST-I AM COPING SO HARD LOL

#stranger things spoilers #stranger things #stranger things au #eddie munson #max mayfield #jason carver #stranger things vecna #i wanted to make some sort of animatic or comic or something but i am very busy artwise rn so HOPEFULLY later LOL #at the very least vecnified jason or w/e LOL

[spicyselfindulgentfandomstuff]

Regrettable decisions in the night

Fandom: The Suicide Squad 2

Pairing: Abner Krill x Elliot Carter (self insert)

CW: NSFT (obviously lol), masturbation, getting off to the thought of a crush, a little bit of angst at the end :(

------

“Well, um.. thanks for talking with me- I mean, I know we talk everyday but it still means a lot to me!” Elliot looked uneasy for a moment, as though they were trying to figure out what to do, or make a decision quickly. It only lasted a second before Abner felt the tentative and gentle embrace of his friend, hugging him from the side where they sat next to him. 

He tensed up, body instinctively entering fight or flight mode before he visibly relaxed into the hug, tension melting away as he received the first physical affection he had in a very long time. The last time he’d been hugged was by his siblings. But this… this was different. He savored the physical contact for as long as it lasted. It ended all too soon for his liking and Elliot chirped their customary “Goodnight, Abner!” before walking towards the guards who would return them to their cell. 

‘Well that was new.’ he thought. Elliot had never hugged him like that before. In fact, that hug was the first physical contact between the two, Abner realized. He himself had always been very careful to keep his hands to himself despite how badly he wanted to touch and hold and sidle up next to Elliot. He hadn’t realized however, that they too seemed to be equally reserved about physical contact.. until tonight, for some reason…?

As a guard walked him back to his cell for the night, it occurred to him: ‘Maybe they are just nervous like me.. Maybe that’s why they never brushed my hand, or bumped my shoulder or anything like that.. Maybe they only got brave enough to initiate tonight..?’

The door closed behind Abner and he was left alone with his thoughts. 

‘No’, he reprimanded himself harshly, ‘that’s stupid, why would they be nervous about initiating physical contact with you? What like, they like you? No, you might be a friend, at best, but you’ll never be anything more. They probably just didn’t think about it until now. You’re reading too much into it. Yea, that had to be it.’

Despite himself, Abner couldn’t stop thinking about the hug Elliot had given him. It was short and friendly but it was so, so special to him. He thought about the feeling of their arms on his back, the smell of their natural body odor, now noticeable to him due to their proximity… he thought about the feeling of their skin on his where their necks met during the hug and how their soft hair tickled his skin a bit.. and he thought about the feeling of their breath in his ear as they came in for the hug and later, pulled away- brief, fleeting, oh how he wished it had lasted longer. All of it, most especially the skin on skin contact. He really liked touching Elliot. He wondered if they liked touching him too, and maybe they would want to touch him in other ways.. other places on his body?

‘Oh god no!’ he stopped mid-thought and immediately admonished himself for even the thought of them being intimate in that way, ‘Elliot is your friend, how could you think this way about them? What would they think if they knew you were thinking about them this way?!’

He tried to stuff down his desires but quickly realized with his growing erection, he was going to need to do something about it, after all. 

He tried to justify it to himself, thinking, ‘Well, it's just thoughts, right? Thinking about them like that wouldn’t hurt, right? There’s no way they could ever know about this if I don’t tell them, so it's okay, right? Yea, that makes sense…’

He took a shaky breath in, trying to recollect his earlier thoughts. 

‘Right, Elliot.. Oh sweet, nervous little Elliot…’ Abner smiled a bit, thinking about how kind and compassionate they were, despite their anxious disposition. It kind of matched his own, if he was being honest. Which was kind of reassuring to him. 

Abner’s thoughts quickly returned to a more risque nature, though, as he began to recall the hug and how their hands felt on his back and how good the contact felt. 

He quickly undid his pants and yanked down his boxers, freeing his aching cock, precum already dribbling down his length. 

He closed his eyes and imagined that Elliot was touching him again, this time not something as innocuous as an embrace but rather he imagined Elliot’s mouth around his dick, bobbing his hand in time with how he thought they would move if they were the one doing this. 

He thought about how they would feel with their pretty mouth around him, his hands in their fluffy blonde hair, tugging and pulling them gently around to show them how to suck him off. He wondered, foggily, how experienced Elliot was, or if they’d even ever had sex at all. They did seem a bit naïve when it came to relationship stuff and he had to wonder if that extended to physical intimacy as well… he wouldn’t mind, not one bit, he thinks, he could help teach them what felt good to him and even better, he could do things that felt good to them, for their first time. 

As he gradually sped up his thrusting into his hand, Abner’s imagination turned to the idea of him pounding their ass. All the while, he was replaying the physical contact of the hug they gave him. He imagined them moaning- he imagined them as being a bit noisy- out his name and that sent him right over the edge. 

And that was it. 

As he tucked himself back into his clothing, he felt the most horrendous guilt and shame. 

‘God, what did you do?’ he thought, guiltily, ‘You just jerked off to the thought of your best friend.. How are you gonna look them in the eyes now? What will you do if they touch you again, let alone hug you?’

Abner sinks into himself, hoping to sink further, into the very concrete floor. He can’t believe he did this. ‘Why? Elliot will never like you like that so why ruin the good thing you have already?’

Abner cried himself to sleep that night.

#you're my superhero! <3: 18+ #nsft selfship #spicy selfship #nsft writing #nsft selfship writing #nsft selfship fic #spicy selfship fic #spicy selfship writing

[didsomeonesayventus]

What have you been up to? Ramble away about your current interests my friend 👉😎👉

uhhhhhhh well. in the years since consistent activity I have:

Started, Subscribed, and MSQ/Major sidequest Cleared FFXIV and it occupies my brain like a parasitic worm (but I love it) as goes most people who get into it it seems. For those wondering started with WHM and have run it through just about everything so I'm fairly confident I am at least Somewhat Competent in pretty much everything except Savage and Alexander raids (shudders in Eyes of the Creator if you know you know)

Not only that but have main 5 categories of battle class leveled- WHM for healer, PLD for tank, MNK for melee, DNC phys ranged, RDM caster

I should stop talking about FFXIV help

I think I've changed jobs??? still call center-based work boo been there two years and I Hate It Homie (but hey 16/hr without a degree is hard to beat)

my cringe ass ff.net is poised for deletion as I've got ebook back ups of everything I just can't commit yet (and might not have to since I hear. Gasping Dying rumors about ff.net being on last legs)

I've developed a hobby of making FEH wlw ships- Azura/Deirdre, Mathilda/Lilith, Nagi/Natasha, Felicia/Selena (sacred stones) to throw some out -and stubbornly want to write fic but can't seem to figure out how to finish it oops

also generally feel awkward posting on AO3 because I don't really agree with their "you can write fic of actual people" stance but also Where Else Post Fic but also jokes on me I can't finish fic anymore

speaking of I did contribute to a zine or two with the Invincible Zine group over on twitter a handful of Duo Unit scripts and a 5k one shot on the Horrors of Adrift Corrin

("Katie isn't that the "uwu" corrin alt that looks after baby azura what is possibly horrifying about that" you ask and to which I respond "eldritch horror of being a dream-based sentient clone made real babeyyyyyyyyyyyy" and I didn't even use all my concepts and ideas)

Genshin Impact made a character I finally was willing to eat the lore for Miss Shenhe I love you so much what a wlw icon I think I did reblog something of her earlier but yea love

Played through Persona 5 Royal was a good game but I have never seen a game Say So Much and Nothing At All at the same time while also contradicting itself (and somehow in 100+ hours of gameplay even on 2nd easiest difficulty and w/ a friend and a guide hello). Core cast is poggers tho love these high schoolers and I don't think anyone would be surprised to hear I love futaba the most

Have kinda accepted that I've fallen out of love with KH and frankly don't feel a lot of hype for 4. 3 was a solid gameplay entry with some neat use of worlds for the filler plot but the more time goes on the more disappointed I get with how it handled resolving anything from all the build up, shafting it in favor of setting up a game that doesn't even exist yet.

Because of this I REALLLLY loved Endwalker and was very happy to play it on release (oops back on XIV braincell)

I do miss RikuVen tho and think about how Re:Mind validated the hell out of me by confirming Riku hung out with the Wayfinders and to the lil guys out there making content big fucking salute I'm sorry I'm a bitter woman who couldn't handle expectations.

Have a wild ass idea about XIV/Fates crossover to give an excuse for Ysayle/Corrin to exist they are just about perfect together but can't quite figure out how to make a plot to justify it that I'm satisfied with

I made a quotes bot on twitter that may not last much longer but eh

Gotten really into The Oh Hellos not out of any christian love but moreso the lyrics are just (chef kiss)

TAZ Ethersea season one was. Okay? It started really strong but fell off like the shoreline which was. sad. I can hope season 2 learns better from the mistakes there but also can't be too mad improv-based storytelling is hard to 100% nail

is that everything? I think that's like everything. still me just now several years older and just a smidge wiser and man I'm gonna be 26 in like. a week.

oops.

#Katie rambles #tl;dr no longer as fixated on KH that is now FFXIV and have tried a few other things but mostly still just thinking about rarepairs #and playing with concepts and going way too in depth on one off ideas #so the usual but with much less KH

[goshawk]

I'm the lukewarm take anon and I see where you're coming from but what I understood is you're explaining how the characters had reasons and felt justified in their actions, which. Most people have reasons for doing things, even completely horrendous shit. Doesnt make it right though. Especially since dean sam and cas supposedly have a responsibility to protect, and knowledge about things that affect billions of people. So they should at least try to be rational and look past their own personal life when they're making big decisions, right?

I'm not saying they like have a duty to sacrifice themselves and each other or some such bullshit, but there have definitely been a bunch of times where a workaround was possible if they thought for more than 2 seconds but they still went with the absolute weirdest route (this is probably the writers fault, but these decisions end up part of their character/personalities anyway). plus yea that's an example of what I'm talking about: we chop dean's cringey misogynistic attitude even though it's part of his character. also

- all of them jump the gun and kill monsters who arent shit people on more than one occaison.

- There's an episode where dean literally aims a gun at this kid who is Indigenous I think and threatens her into using her dreamwalking for them. ?????? and sam just goes along with it

- also....... didn't castiel's god phase include absorbing everyone in purgatory and killing a crap ton of humans and angels........... ?

there's probably more but i don't remember specifics. btw this is all very much light hearted and not serious, just in case my tone comes across as rude or mean. sorry for that - and the essay

cont. i'm in covid isolation send me your hot takes

no hard feelings lukewarm anon, im down for some light quibbling! this is really fun to think about

i feel like with this and other superhero-esque shows it's always a rehash of personal vs practical. like yes if we had institutions to monster hunt we could expect them to be more utilitarian and be rational but we have what amounts to three very flawed guys making it up. ideally they would calculate the cost benefit each time and make the right choice, but they have imperfect information and character flaws. i think it'd be a pretty boring show if they were ideal about big decisions. i think on a smaller scale it's like the trolley problem variant where the one person is your best friend/mom/partner/etc vs X number of people. it depends on the value of X - two and it might be okay, a million and it's quite morally dubious. dean's X leans more towards a million, sam's less, and cas' i've got no fucking clue. more on this and the souls later.

tldr, it's a given that plotlines in media of this genre can often be resolved better if the characters spend a little more time thinking or think a little more rationally. the idea of any monster == bad and gungho killing them == good when the show has repeatedly challenged this notion is a really good example of this. salmondean know that there are ways to let vampires live off of animals/blood donations rather than preying on humans, but salmondean choose to kill them anyways.

on that topic, i'd love to take a comparison of madison (sam's werewolf gf, sam kill), amy pond (sam's kitsune friend, dean kill) and emma winchester (dean's daughter, sam kill) when i have more mental space. i think they're comparable if we take a closer scan

honestly, i have to engage with this show with a filter over the bad character choices. there's deeply racist, misogynistic, and homophobic shit in here that i won't attempt to excuse. idt there's much more for me to say there ��️

i think the dreamwalking thing is a kaia plotline? i dont want to say much about it since i'm really not familiar with what happens. gonna watch before i develop a fledged opinion but yeah that's pretty fuckin bad

at a surface level i don't really mind that cas was targeting the KKK/religious extremists and i think it's hilarious. my actual thoughts are that it's really fucked up and akin to an institutionally operated death penalty once someone consolidates all that power. i think cas' actions are morally reprehensible there but again like. i think he's got a legal insanity defense there. the purgatory souls calculation is a really complex thing that i'm not really sure how to scale yet. i don't think its fair to judge cas for his leviathan tainted thinking processes though.

#this got sooooo long and im procrastinating on hw by writing this <3 #asks #spn

[neptunex-rambles]

hey, just in general, don’t go around telling people that they’re a monster/going to become a killer. you’re being cruel, and that will hurt the person you’re telling that to. that person might be aggressive, but honestly maybe consider that you could be the cause of it/they may not be able to find a healthy way of coping.

i don’t care if it’s a joke, it’s not a joke if the other doesn’t consider it funny.

#death tw #murder tw #kill tw #not me venting about a member of my family </3 #this might become a new trigger of mine sadly #/srs #dont call people monsters #i get that they may have been mean to you but that doesn’t justify the fact that they themselves might be a victim too #yea i know there might be times where that feels ... justifiable #but it hurts a lot #/neu #anyway sorry this got long #hope this doesn’t bother you too much #have a good rest of your day/night everyone

[whatisthiswritingthing]

Nothing Changed - USWNT X Reader

Prompt: could you do a uswnt x enby reader where they come out to the team?

Note, keep in mind that everyone’s coming out is vastly different and this may not represent your experience or your preferences. 

“Hey, you alright?” Rose tilted her water bottle toward the younger player, squeezing it enough to squirt them.

“Hmm? Yea,” Y/N glanced up from the grass when they felt the water hit their arm.

“That was convincing,” the midfielder rolled her eyes, shuffling closer, nudging their shoulders together gently.

Y/N was sitting quietly in the grass, slowly plucking one blade of grass out one at a time. The team had noticed how withdrawn the younger player had been since camp had started. Really only speaking when spoken too, always seemingly unaware of their surroundings, anxiously fidgeting, leg bouncing constantly. Players had all attempted to speak with the younger player, only for the conversation to be interrupted or dismissed, Y/N doing their best to avoid everyone.

“Want to try again?” Rose pushed more, reaching over to wrap a hand around Y/N’s as they tore a larger piece of grass in their fingers. Y/N tugged their hand away, tossing the remaining grass down.

Y/N dug the heels of their cleats into the ground, bringing their knees to their chest, wrapping their arms around them and resting their chin on top. They let out a sigh, clenching and unclenching their jaw.

Sensing the other player was working through their thoughts, the midfielder let a hand drop to Y/N’s elbow. The muscle tensed under the contact, but wasn’t pulled away, allowing Rose to squeeze it once before soothingly running her thumb until the muscle began to relax slightly.

Y/N rolled their head to the side and released another long sigh, body deflating, “I’ve just got a lot on my mind,” Y/N briefly made eye contact with the brunette before looking forward again.

“Well, you’ve got a pretty brain,” Rose tapped the side of Y/N’s head, “so whatever has you so stuck in there must be pretty important,” she dipped her head to try and make eye contact. Seeing the small grin forming, Rose nudged them again, repeating the motion a couple times as Y/N’s grin grew.

Turning and tackling Y/N, Rose smiled from above them, tapping their forehead, “the only thing you need to think so hard about right now, is where we are going for lunch.”

Y/N crinkled their nose, swatting at the hand tapping them, “oh that’s easy, grilled cheese.”

Rose rolled her eyes and began to get off Y/N, “you chose that every time.”

Getting up themselves, Y/N giggled, “then why do you even bother asking?”

“You two done messing around? We want lunch!” Horan called to them as the pair approached the rest of the group.

“Simmer down, we’re coming,” Rose waved them off.

“Good, where are we going?”

“Take a wild guess,” Rose rolled her eyes, pushing Y/N away slightly.

“Grilled cheese,” the group said together.

“Grilled cheese!” Y/N repeated, smiling wide, giving a small hop, jumping onto Sam as she got close enough.

Y/N remained engaged and animated with the group while they were out for lunch, the friends doing their best to keep them distracted from whatever kept them in there head all camp.

Later that night, Y/N laid in bed, locking and unlocking their phone a few times. Letting out a big sigh, they tossed their phone to the side of the bed, continuing to stare at the ceiling.

The young player knew they needed to tell the team, but the idea of doing an official “coming out” just didn’t seem right. This was who they were, they shouldn’t have to come out, shouldn’t have to say anything. But Y/N also knew they would feel so much more comfortable hearing the correct words to describe them, would feel less like an imposter, feel comfortable in their own skin.

Y/N knew it wouldn’t change anything. That they were still them. That the only difference would be the words used around them. So, they struggled, battled with their mind all camp. It’s not that they felt like they needed to come out, but that they didn’t know how to ask the team to change their pronouns. Hence, the internal battle they had, wanting to tell the team, but not knowing how to ask without making a big deal out of it.

They considered just changing their pronouns on Instagram. But most people wouldn’t see it. And their close friends would be hurt Y/N hadn’t felt comfortable to them themselves.

Maybe slowly correct people? No, that would lead to more confusion.

Announce it at the end of the team meeting? No, that was way more attention than Y/N wanted on them.

Sighing again, Y/N roughly rolled over again in bed.

“You are going to sleep on the hallway soon if you don’t stop thinking so loud over there,” came the muffled voice of Pinoe in the bed next to Y/N.

“Sorry, I’ll stop,” Y/N apologized softly, shifting a little more to try and get comfortable one last time.

Megan rolled over in her bed to face the younger player, “what’s got you so in your head this camp, kiddo?”

Huffing out a breath, Y/N rolled onto their back, “I have something I need to do, well want to do, no, maybe need. I don’t know,” slamming their hands onto the mattress, frustrated, as they rambled.

“What do you need to do?” Pinoe propped herself up in her bed, just making out Y/N staring at the ceiling in the dark.  

“It’s not a need, definitely a want. And I really don’t want to have to do it, but it feels like a need to me. But I don’t want to make a big deal of it, but it needs to be done,” Y/N continued to ramble as is Megan hadn’t said anything, verbalizing everything to themselves.

Megan swung her legs over the side of the bed, working to get a better look at the distress individual. Sensing the younger player needed to work continue to work out their thoughts, she patiently waited while they rambled across from her, watching as Y/N ran a hand harshly through their hair before slamming it back on the mattress.

When Y/N didn’t continue, Megan shifted closer to the edge of the bed, leaning her elbows on her knees. Getting close to the distraught, but still giving them the space they clearly needed, “what do you need to do kiddo?”

The forward watched as Y/N clenched their jaw and unclenched it a few times, hands finding a loose string on the bed and wrapping it around their finger. Y/N finally let their head role to the to face Rapinoe, “I need to come out.”

“Y/N,” Megan stretched a hand out to unravel Y/N’s hand from the string on the sheet, “that’s something you never need to do. That is something you only do if you want to. If you don’t feel comfortable or ready, you don’t need to come out.”

Of course, Y/N already knew this. But to them, it wasn’t about being ready or not being ready. Or if she trusted the team to view them the same. It was that they hated the idea of having to come out at all. That they couldn’t just be themselves, that to fully feel comfortable and truly embrace who they were, they needed to come out, needed to tell everyone how they wanted, needed, to be referred to.

Y/N looked back to the ceiling, letting out a frustrated growl, “I know I don’t need to come out. And I am ready to come out. I just think the whole idea of it is stupid. Like, you didn’t have to go around telling everyone you were a girl. Why the fuck, do I have to go around tell everyone I’m not!”

Megan kept her hand on Y/N’s wrist, but leaned back, understanding what the real issue was. That Y/N wanted to come out but didn’t want to come out. Didn’t want the production of that seemed to come with it. The awkwardness of explaining themselves, answering questions, the feeling of having to defend themselves, justify who they were.

“I understand,” Megan nodded, Y/N rolled their head to face the forward, “what do you want to do kiddo?”

Y/N shifted, moving to fully sitting up in the bed, “that’s the problem,” they grunted out, “I want everyone to know, but I don’t know how to tell everyone. I don’t know what I want to do.”

“You’re right Y/N, it’s not fair that you have to formally come out to anyone. But this team is full of open minded, progressive people, they aren’t going judge you.”

“It’s not that. I know they won’t, I just don’t know how to do tell them. I just want to say it and move on with it,” Y/N explained. They weren’t worried that any of them wouldn’t accept them, they just knew how eccentric some of the team could be, and how many questions they might have.

“I got you kid, let’s get some sleep and worry about it tomorrow. This isn’t something you need to stress about. You’re still you, you’re just letting us understand you in a different way.”

Y/N released a slow breath, working to ease themselves to a reclined position in bed, some of the thoughts eased for the time being. Megan validating that they weren’t overthinking for no reason, that the thoughts they had been struggling with for the last week were normal.

“I guess you’re probably right.”

“Of course I’m right! Now go to sleep, we can figure this out tomorrow, but I need my beauty sleep,” Megan joked, flopping herself back in bed.

The next morning, the pair made their way to the banquet room for breakfast, most of the team already there. The split off, each going to their table.

Before Pinoe sat down though, she stood behind her chair and called out to the room, gaining everyone’s attention.

“Hey team! As most of you know, I am a girl, I have known this my entire life, but I feel that it is important to tell you. I would appreciate you all continuing to use she, her pronouns,” she moved her gaze around the room as she spoke, pausing to make eye contact with Y/N.

A majority of the players watched, confused, as the forward spoke. Some tilted their heads to the side, eyebrows furrowed.

“That’s great P, we can keep doing that,” Ashlyn nodded next to her at the table.

Pinoe remained standing at the table, looking around the room. Peoples faces remained neutral, no one reacting to the information.

“Why did you feel the need to tell us this now?” Christen spoke up across the room.

“I just realized I had never told you guys, and that it isn’t fair that some people have to come out and some don’t,” she made eye contact with Y/N, hoping she was saying the right thing, encouraging them to take the opening given.

Y/N rolled her fingers on the table, biting their lip. They understood what Megan was doing, was normalizing the coming out, normalizing announcing pronouns.

Pushing themselves up, Y/N let took a steadying breath, “I, umm, I’m,” they clenched their jaw, creasing their eye brows, attempting to work through their words, squaring their shoulders they continued, “I’m non-binary, I prefer they or them pronouns.”

Y/N kept it short, glancing around the room, eyes drifting across their closest friends. None of them holding any animosity, all soft and accepting. Several giving Y/N large smiles.

“Thank you for telling us Y/N,” Tierna spoke up next to the younger player, “we will all start using they, them pronouns for you,” she reached up and gripped Y/N’s tense fist.

“Of course, we can do that kiddo,” Megan smiled at them, still standing at her own table.

“And if we ever use any wording that you don’t feel comfortable with, please tell us so we can use the right words,” Ali smiled reassuringly.

Y/N nodded, mostly to themselves, taking another glance around the room, they sat back down at the table. Tierna gave them another squeeze, everyone else giving them a smile.

“Is this what had you so stuck in your head all week?” Rose asked softly.

Y/N gave a small, shy nod, “I wanted to tell you guys, but didn’t want to make a big deal about it.”

“We understand Y/N,” Lindsey nodded next to the brunette.

“And you can tell us anything you want, anything you need us to do or change,” Sam encouraged too.

“I don’t want anything to change. It was just something I needed to tell you guys. I just needed you guys to understand that girl just didn’t fit with me.”

“Alright dude, everyone stays the same, we’ll just change our wording,” Sonnett smiled too.

Y/N looked around the table, and then the room. Everyone had gone back to eating breakfast. Nothing changed, nothing needed to change. Y/N had been able to everyone what they needed to tell them, and everyone just accepted it. No intrusive questions, no unneeded drawn-out explanation, exactly how they wanted it to be; just said what they needed to say and that was it.

#uswnt imagine #uswnt x reader #uswnt imagines

[saintobio]

PLEASE THE LATEST CHAPTER IS PROBABLY THE BEST CHAPTER BECAUSE OF HOW WELL YOU WROTE IT AND THE EMOTIONS IT PULLED FROM ME! I'm shaking with anger because of how they treat MC and how they still think they're the victims. The lack of self-awareness is ASTOUNDING. (I feel like a Karen complaining over a counter here while an employee frozen in shock looks at me in fear, honestly)

Gojo completely ignored everything else she said for that one comment about his mother leaving him and while I do get that was completely out of line, I would just like to remind his frosty, crusty ass that EVERYTHING HE DID TO HER WAS OUT OF LINE. He was just excited to jump on a reason to be mad at her so he could feel better and justify fucking her over constantly! And Sierra? My God I think he might be a man BECAUSE WHERE DID SHE GET ALL THAT AUDACITY??? She literally took money from Gojo's father without him knowing and she may not be a gold-digger but she also has no integrity whatsoever. To claim to hate a man and then use his money? And still take gifts from Gojo with no guilt? And THEY CALL MC DESPERATE? (i am poor myself so it's okay for me to slander her 😌)

As for Gojo's friends, it's about fucking time they stopped enabling his cheating ass. I don't know how close they are with MC but I just couldn't stand how they both thought bringing both the wife and the wannabe was a good idea. They were nice, yes, but they also didn't stop Gojo from bringing Sierra. So good on them for finally snapping out.

Please I'm sorry for the long ask I just have a lot of feelings 😭 I hope to see Gojo and Sierra suffer after this. Question tho, and you don't have to answer if it's not okay to ask! Is Gojo amd Sierra's karma coming soon? Is MC still gonna suffer more after this or was this her turning point?

I am so excited for the next chapters this series is so so good. Thank you for sharing this with us! ❤️✨

p.s. if u're still accepting emoji anons, can i pls be 🦴?

i can only answer one of ur question 😭 yes yn will suffer more but you’ll understand why next chapter. and ooof i felt ur anger through this ask PLSS the karen sjdnsj yea you can be bone anon

#saintobio.asks #series: sincerely not #🦴 anon