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blzzrdstryr · 3 years

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Hello ! May I request a yan scaramouche x fatui harbinger reader? This is my first time sending a request, so I'm not sure what else to add..

I thought about answering this with headcanons only, but I like your idea enough, so my brain blurted out a small drabble to accompany them.

Yandere!Scaramouche x fatui harbinger!gn!reader

Scaramouche isn’t a type of person that is easy to please, as he can find fault in almost anything or anyone within a couple of minutes, a contemptuous scowl taking it’s usual place on his face. He dislikes his subordinates - they are stupid and slow and never get his orders right, despite how simple his commands are. He loathes ordinary people - they idle around and get in the way of his business. And, of course, he despises his colleagues - they're crazy and annoying bunch, starting from the battle obsessed ginger idiot and ending with just straight up insane scientist who likes to play god on other fatui underlings.

Not counting you, of course.

You see, there is always some exception from the rule, divergence from the median, unnatural anomaly, you.

It was hard at first, to comprehend that he actually liked you. He felt this weird warmth blooming in his chest as he looked at you, cheeks furiously heating up, and his eyes were searching for your face, and especially your lips, every time you had a meeting together. Every single time.

All it took for him to finally realize his feelings for you was some half serious comment from Childe, the moron joked that Scaramouche looked like a longing maiden, at which the shorter man snapped back with a couple of barbed insults that no doubt hurt Tartaglia’s ego.

Despite understanding his sentiments now, it didn’t make life easier in the slightest sense. On the contrary, Scaramouche was now aware how much in love he was with you - he was annoyed with himself for the first three weeks - and how much power you had over him.

It is frightening to know that he allowed himself to be ruled by his feelings alone like some foolish teen having a first crush. You reduced a great Harbinger to some love obsessed idiot. Scaramouche started to catch himself how hard it is to just stop staring at your form, devouring your face, legs and form with eyes alone, or how angry he gets once anyone other than him talks to you, be it other Harbingers, your underlings or even Tsaritsa herself.

Sometimes a desperate thought makes its way into his mind - to lock you up and hide from the whole world, to be the only person to touch, smell, taste and see you, to be the only one blessed to witness your beauty and hear your voice. Silly notion reappears in his head with a concerning frequency, and he sometimes even entertains it, consumed by his imagination for a far longer time that is healthy

Nonetheless, Scaramouche always has to discard the idea - it is a mad, perverse and unobtainable image - no matter how much he lusts after you and pictures you all good and docile just for him, you are still a Harbinger, his equal in everything, including the power. If only you were some underling or even civilian, then he wouldn’t need to feign indifference in your presence, or stop some of his less than pleasant urges. He could just snatch you and chain you, train to be a good little toy just for him, happy to serve it’s master and owner.

Oh how sweet you would moan and beg under him, how much you would do to please him. Scaramouche could break you and rebuild from scratch, make sure that there is nothing but him in your pretty head, match his obsession with you with a love he would force you to learn. He could be your god and the world, replace everything in your life with his presence alone. Sadly, there’s no way Scaramouche can get away with this when you are his equal.

Fortunately for him, there are ways fatuis even as high and mighty as Harbingers can still lose their title. The easiest one is to disappoint Tsaritsa - fail enough tasks, mess up significant missions or cause an international conflict, you pick it.

It’s a traitorous and dangerous thought - sabotage of the fellow harbinger, something that would prompt his own demotion or even dismissal if someone got wind of what he plans. But, Scaramouche muses, it’s also a game worth playing - he can lose everything if he fails, but he’ll get you if he wins. He just needs to trick you to ruin your reputation and attract the ire of the cryo archon.

“Hello”, he says, approaching you after the usual harbinger gathering, a fake smile plastered on his face: “I want to help you with that mission Tsaritsa gave you”.

You look at him with an unreadable gaze, brows furrowed in contemplation: “Why would you offer your help?”

“I don’t want Tsaritsa or Fatui to be at a disadvantage, this task is really hard. I am not questioning Tsaritsa’s judgement, but Qixing started to be really suspicious of us, especially after that idiot, Tartaglia, almost drowned the whole city”. He tries to keep his usual slightly annoyed, slightly angered manner of talking, hoping that you won’t question him.

It works - “All right”, you nod offering an intel spies have collected, and start introducing him to what you plan to do. He intently listens, feeling how his fake smile grows into a genuine one.

Headcanons

Scaramouche is smitten - his eyes trail you, he takes your every word like a holy scripture, he gets so flustered when you just look his way, yet he never shows it to you, a bored facade appearing every time you pay him even a gram of attention.

You, most likely, won't even be aware of his crush growing into obsession - Scaramouche is a skilled actor, capable of showing thousands of different emotions seconds, effortlessly switching between the masks.

Despite the gentle feelings he has fpr, Scaramouche also possesses much darker urges that he doesn't want to stop.

He is very possessive, getting angry every time you talk with anyone other than him.

He likes to picture you obedient and docile, worshipping him like a God. He thinks he deserves it.

The balance in the power between you two is something that really bothers him - he wants you to be completely dependent on him, vulnerable before any wish and perversion he could subject you to.

Will try to sabotage you as a harbinger in hopes that you lose your title and power.

If you somehow remain infallible to his schemes and plans he will try to actually befriend you.

It's an arduous task, none of the harbingers really like each other enough to build such intimate connections, and both you and Scaramouche know it.

If you have a lesser rank than him, he will try to come off as a well meaning senior. If he is the one with a lesser title, then he will feign ignorance and ask for assistance.

All in all, your fate depends on how smart and cautious you are around Scaramouche. If you are perceptive enough he will have to face one defeat after the other, lessenning his resolve.

Don't think that it will be enough to stop him from trying, though.

#Yandere Scaramouche x reader #Yandere Scaramouche #Yandere genshin impact #yandere genshin impact x reader #yandere x reader #yandere #Scaramouche #Yandere genshin #Yandere genshin x reader #I see a little silhouetto of a man #my writing

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akabane-yum · 3 years

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OTP Asks - All Of Them (9-16) <- Part One

For @toorumochi assass :P

For the Angst

9. Have they made each other cry?

Short answer: Yes

Long answer:

Karma knew that Gakushuu would be a difficult person to live with and that he was sensitive despite his hard exterior, but that didn’t mean he didn’t get annoyed too sometimes.

That night they were arguing about who knows what, saying things they didn’t mean, when the insults became half truths and eventually full truths that became insults. Karma said something along the lines of “Oh, and it’s not my fault your dad didn’t raise you right but it your fault that you’re becoming exactly like him, don’t ask me why I’ll need therapy more than twice a week after this.”

If it hadn’t already clicked to Gakushuu that they were fighting fighting before then, now he got the message. He ran out of the room without another word and Karma had to pace to cool down. Karma decided to sleep on the couch that night and only realized Shuu went off crying the next morning, when the air was cold and rigid and Shuu had tear stains under his eyes. Karma didn’t say anything though, he didn’t really know how to fix it. They ended up spending that whole day apart and eventually had a long talk.

———————

Gakushuu made Karma cry when he told him they’d probably end up breaking up. Karma was joking about meeting Shuu’s mom and Shuu just laughed saying he didn’t think they’d make it that far. That messed with Karma’s perception of permanence and what he thought they were. He thought they were gonna get married some day and that they were going to live together and... what? He tried to ask Gakushuu why he thought they wouldn’t make it and Shuu seemed unbothered. He said something about how they were incompatible in many ways and how they were both handfuls and how life would get harder and how Karma probably wouldn’t be able to handle all the weird changes in Gakushuu’s life because of how the businesses was booming. They said goodnight after that and Karma found himself outside at 3am taking a walk. He didn’t realize he was crying till he came home and Shuu asked him why he was crying. His first instinct was to say he was doing drugs but that would get them nowhere. Instead he said he didn’t want to talk about it, and they went to bed. He could think about permanence another day. And he did, they talked about both that and their insecurities going forward to try to salvage their relationship. (I can imagine that this is a few years into their relationship.)

10. Write a ~300 word argument scene for them.

In another post !

11. What causes them to fight?

The lighthearted answer would be: anything and everything. They fight over how many pillows they need but always laugh about it in the end.

Another answer would be: the fact that at the beginning of their relationship they were insecure about themselves. You know you really shouldn’t get into a relationship until you love yourself enough, at least in most cases. But for them I’m guessing that the mutual attraction was enough for them to get together, which isn’t always bad b u t for them they had a lot to unpack. It’s surprising and maybe even kinda toxic that they stayed together after the first part of their relationship but now they’re happy. I can imagine that they’re happier as adults at least, and that they still do fight over small things like the TV volume but those fights don’t even count as fights. It’s just a little conversation to keep them going yknow?

12. Do they have differing political opinions?

Kinda? Gakushuu is a businessman and probably took a course called “creating capitalism” so we can assume he’s pro capitalism, and on the other hand Karma joined the bureaucracy in Japan (and Japan is, if I’m not mistaken, a socialist country) so he’s probably at least pro socialism.

I just want to comment on how this is cool because Gakushuu being pro capitalism is a solo player as the CEO with the most shares of his corporation. Whereas Karma who we assume is pro socialism works as a bureaucrat for the government. Which is cool because capitalism is more about individuals climbing the corporate ladder and whatnot whereas socialism is more of a government intervention thing where the government has control and places limitations. (There’s way more to it but I tried to badly summarize.) So they’re both doing very well in their respective economies. That being said, we could go into the capitalist tendencies in Japan but we won’t! AHEM THE MAIN QUESTION WAS ABOUT POLITICS BUT I WARPED IT SORRY THEYRE PROBABLY BOTH MORE LIBERAL BUT I WONT GO INTO THAT.

Anyways to finish off explaining the “kinda” I answered with, I said kinda because I don’t think they feel strongly enough about their own (preferred) economies to argue about it. Though maybe Karma will complain about some of the disparity in wealth he sees between Gakushuu and others but honestly I don’t see them caring much, since they have the luxury of living in their own bubble of karushuu happy fun. I hope this blurb made sense.

13. Name something they would never do for the other person

Gakushuu would never give up his ambitions to be with Karma. Sounds sad but after letting go of some of those insecurities that were there at first, he’s found his self worth and won’t give up all his hard work for anyone. Is that selfish? Personally I don’t think so, because it would be selfish for someone to ask him to let go of his dreams for them. Karma would never do that anyway, so. By give up his ambitions for Karma I mean like if Karma were to ask Gakushuu to drop his work or him, he’d be dropping Karma.

Karma would never settle down entirely because Gakushuu asked him to. This is similar to the first one but I don’t think he wants to calm down and live in another tropical country and retire young just because they have enough money you know? Not like Gakushuu would ever ask him to slow down but if he did then Karma would still probably work a few jobs because of how boring life would be without something to do. This is basically like Gakushuu’s but I feel like Karma’s is less intense and he wouldn’t break up with Gakushuu right away because of this.

Take that as you will ^^

14. What would be a dealbreaker

This is the same as the last one I think. Telling the other to slow down and pick between their passions (for work lmao) or them. Since it’s the same ish for both of them I don’t think there would be that much of an issue though. Maybe if Karma killed Shuu’s cat then that would be a dealbreaker, who knows.

15. What are traits they dislike in one another?

Karma dislikes how Gakushuu is a workaholic and Gakushuu hates how Karma is taller than him :P also how quick he is at making impulsive decisions. HmMm maybe also how Karma snores- that’s not even a trait i- anywayyyyssss

16. If they broke up, what would be their opinions of each other.

Oh boy. I’ve thought about this for not karushuu things too so here’s my take on this:

Karma would consider Gakushuu as an addition to the toxic people in his life. First his parents, then some of his teachers, and now his first boyfriend. He’d remember the happy moments they had together but quickly try to replace them with the sadder memories. He’d try his best to paint Gakushuu is the worst lighting, he’d villainize (not a word but shh) him so he could go on thinking he didn’t do anything wrong and it was Gakuhsuu’s toxicness that tore them apart.

Gakushuu wouldn’t think of Karma. Not after a bit of time, not because Karma never came to mind again after the breakup, but because any thoughts of Karma would be illegal. Honestly I can see him thinking that his time with Karma was an era of weakness. He can’t go back to that weak state, not even in his memories, so he doesn’t. (Well maybe in the middle of the night some days he does but he’d never admit to that.) I hope my grammar here was bearable lmao.

I’m sorry I’m tired lmao I can’t proofread but yk :))) next part up soon!

#asano gakushuu #assassination classroom #karushuu #karma akabane #karma x gakushuu #shoe #akabane karma #otp #ask otp #angst #breakup #headcanon #otp headcanons #asks #yoit #anyways

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sk1fanfiction · 3 years

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the many faces of tom riddle, part 2

-you dislike frank dillane’s portrayal of tom riddle only because you don’t think he’s attractive-

FULL DISCLAIMER THAT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION OF A CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE STRONGEST CANON CHARACTERIZATION, AND THUS ALL THIS IS BASED ON MY CONCEPTUALIZATION (and this time, featuring a bit of armchair child psych from a student).

Wait, don’t clutch your pearls just yet. Compose yourself.

I am about to explain why it’s not actually that bad, and Dillane’s portrayal is vastly underappreciated.

I definitely agree that his portrayal comes off as ‘creepier’. It’s not helped by the stylistic decisions in the scene -- the smeary, green filter gives the scene a sinister quality.

Even Slughorn looks suspect here, which is somewhat appropriate, given that he is complicit in this crime.

Again, this scene is very much intended to be slightly off.

You’ll notice (and I’ll discuss this again when I talk about Coulson’s portrayal) that Dillane is almost always shot from at least slightly below, which makes the lower third of his face look bigger (and thus more menacing). The lighting also makes his eyes glow in a really unnatural way. There’s an echo-y effect to make his voice (and not Slughorn’s) sound unnerving.

People talk about how Coulson would have looked in this scene, and if he was filmed in the same way (monotone, smeary/shadowy filter, and always from below), he’d look a bit creepy, too.

But all of this, imo, is for a pretty good reason. Slughorn isn’t the POV character. Harry is. Harry is learning about how a young Lord Voldemort wheedled the secret of Horcruxes out of an unsuspecting teacher. Unlike in COS, he expects Riddle to be evil. And, so, Harry’s new perception of Tom Riddle literally colors how we perceive him.

Take this shot, for example: he does that head-tilt thing that Coulson does, and it’s actually... kind of... cute???

Imagine Dillane filmed from slightly above, like Coulson usually is, and it looks even more innocent. (I mean, come on, he does not look like he’s killed four people, does he?) It’s not hard to imagine teachers being taken in by this kind of act.

Even that little smirk he does when the camera (aka, Harry’s gaze) pans in, is for Harry’s benefit. No one else noticed that.

However, I still fail to find this creepy, like, at all. Yes, it’s a fake smile, but he’s portraying a different side of Tom Riddle to Coulson. Whereas, in COS, he’s in his vindictive, murderous element, where he’s free to express himself, in this scene, Tom Riddle is doing what he does best -- manipulating and managing appearances.

This entire scene is an act. And because Harry knows it’s an act, it should look a bit stilted.

From the Hepzibah Smith scene in the books: Voldemort smiled mechanically and Hepzibah simpered.

So, Harry is pretty adept at parsing Tom’s fake expressions.

But just look at the expressiveness in his face: he goes from brooding, he blinks, and his entire face changes to this charming (fake) smile.

At the risk of sounding elitist, I’m a bit tired of seeing the word ‘psychopath’, which is not an actual medical diagnosis recognised by any psychological or psychiatric institution, being tossed about, especially with reference to Tom Riddle (and from a neuroscience perspective, it’s doubly annoying). There’s no such thing as ‘insanity’ or ‘psychopathy’ or being ‘crazy.’

-although I use it too a shorthand in conversation to distinguish ‘canon’ Tom from his ‘softer’ OOC counterparts, I really shouldn’t-

Unfortunately, I’ve seen the ‘psychopath’ comment used time-and-time again as an excuse or a full explanation of ‘why Tom Riddle went evil’ (JKR in fact, has made a weird comment in an interview, basically saying that ‘psychopaths can’t be redeemed or learn adaptive coping skills’ or whatever), which really just goes to show the lack of understanding and compassion when personality disorders, especially, are concerned.

But what I like most about the opening of this scene, actually, is that first, listless expression. And this is where we get slightly into headcanon, but Tom Riddle is the opposite of a happy, mentally healthy teenager. By Dumbledore’s own admission, he has no real friends. He has no parental figures, no real attachments. Yes, he might derive some pride or enjoyment from being good at magic and top of his class and all that, but I really don’t think even Tom finds that truly fulfilling. There is nothing that makes him happy.

In fact, although some might perceive it as ‘creepy’, I think that listless expression is an accurate window into Tom’s psyche.

I know people aren’t big on Freud, but I think that he does make some interesting points (also, cut the guy some slack for being relatively open-minded for the Victorian Era, and inventing psychoanalysis and while yes he did say some sexist stuff, good luck finding a field of science that isn’t male-focused and makes crazy generalizations about women, especially back in the day) about the possible origins of thanatophobia, the fear of death.

According to Freud, thanatophobia is a disguise for a deeper source of concern -- he did not believe that people were capable of conceptualizing their own death to that extent. Instead, he believed that this phobia was caused by unresolved childhood conflicts that the sufferer cannot come to terms with or express emotion towards.

Now, I know Freud almost always attributes mental distress to childhood experiences, but I think in this case, it really has some merit.

According to attachment theory, the basis of how we form attachments in adulthood is dictated by learning it from experiences with caregivers in the first two years of life. We know Tom was born in an orphanage, and that he didn’t cry much as a baby, and subsequently, probably received very little attention. Compounded with possible genetic factors and his caregivers being afraid or wary of his magical abilities, he later struggled to form attachments because of this -- I would actually go so far as to say that by the time Dumbledore meets him, Tom Riddle is severely depressed.

And that flat affect and anhedonia, I think, comes over very well in Dillane’s portrayal. There’s kind of this resignation -- a very deep sadness and loneliness to his character.

Of course, he doesn’t derive any comfort or fulfillment from human interaction, because (to borrow the description from the Wikipedia article on ‘Reactive attachment disorder’, which Tom meets all the criteria for) he has a “grossly disturbed internal working model of relationships.” In other words, he is unresponsive to all offers of attachment because of this unacknowledged trauma.

(You could arguably class Tom as having an avoidant attachment style, but I think in his case the trauma and its effect on him are severe enough to call it disordered.)

RAD isn’t particularly well-characterized (especially neurologically) and quite new in the literature, but here are some links if anyone is interested in doing a bit of digging: Link 1 | Link 2 | Paper 1 | Paper 2

And, instead of trying to resolve this conflict in a healthy way, or at least recognize that this is why he can’t be happy and try to learn how to cope from there, he (a) represses the desire for human attachment and (b) funnels that negative emotion into being the fault of Death, the Grim Reaper (again, to borrow Freudian terms).

And we all know how that turned out...

(And now, this should go without saying, but psychoanalyzing fictional characters has nothing to do with assigning a morality to mental disorders. Mental illness is neither a cause nor an excuse for criminal behavior -- in the same way that the cycle of violence is a phenomenon, not an excuse. Tom Riddle did not become a genocidal murderer because, in common parlance, he was a ‘psychopath’ -- he was not necessarily ‘predisposed’ to evil and could just as easily chosen to not follow the path that he did -- instead, he willingly made poor choices. This is a descriptive analysis, not a justification -- a ‘how’, not a ‘why’)

Here’s a Carl Jung quote that articulates it better:

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

Yes, he’s a bit stiff (and a lot more formal than in COS during his *conversation* with Harry). But, and here comes the controversial bit, this is appropriate for a portrayal of a schoolboy in the 1940s. The upright posture is accurate -- respectful, polite -- everything Tom Riddle would have been expected to be (and even Coulson, in that scene with Dumbledore in COS, is quite stiff). Even the way he looks at Slughorn and maintains eye contact is very *respectful.*

And, Dillane (I think he’s seventeen or eighteen here) actually looks like a believable sixteen-year-old. I’m sorry, I love Coulson’s portrayal as well, but he looks around nineteen in COS; so in HBP, he probably would have looked at least twenty-two or so. (Sorry, not sorry).

This may be influenced by my own interpretation of the character (because I imagine Tom always looks young for his age, and Dillane fits that archetype, but I don’t think that’s very popular), but I think young Tom Riddle is supposed to be *cute* and a bit stiff/shy/awkward (being charming and awkward is very much possible), if you consider the way Dippet and Slughorn treat him.

To support this, he says very few words to Hepzibah Smith (in the book, that scene’s not in the movie), and is very... bashful and coy during the whole interaction? I think yes, he’s charismatic, but he’s not loud, suave, openly flirtatious or particularly verbose. Tom Riddle should have a quiet magnetism, and to me, that came across in Dillane’s portrayal.

"I'd be glad to see anything Miss Hepzibah shows me," said Voldemort quietly, and Hepzibah gave another girlish giggle.

...

"Are you all right, dear?"

"Oh yes," said Voldemort quietly. "Yes, I'm very well. ..."

Even the ‘ugly, greedy look’ described in the books, when Slughorn starts spilling his secrets, is there. This is how he’s supposed to look! Slughorn glimpses it, but doesn’t understand its significance. Harry does.

“Slughorn looked deeply troubled now: He was gazing at Riddle as though he had never seen him plainly before, and Harry could tell that he was regretting entering into the conversation at all.”

Remember the context of this moment, as well: He’s just discovered how to create multiple Horcruxes. Excuse him for looking a bit creepy (if not now, then when?).

Here’s two direct quotes of Harry’s impression of Tom Riddle in that scene:

“But Riddle's hunger was now apparent; his expression was greedy, he could no longer hide his longing.”

“Harry had glimpsed his face, which was full of that same wild happiness it had worn when he had first found out that he was a wizard, the sort of happiness that did not enhance his handsome features, but made them, somehow, less human. . . .”

Tom Riddle’s Horcruxes are a direct metaphor for his refusal to allow himself to heal from his trauma -- instead, he continues to inflict destruction on himself and others.

His desire to continue creating more Horcruxes sort of resounds with the fact that self-harm can also become a compulsion.

I’d also like to digress a bit to discuss the Gaunt Ring, while we’re at it. While we’ve talked about his attachment issues in general, this discussion is particularly pertinent to father figures. And while Tom’s attachment issues are extensive, I think there’s ample evidence that as a child, he craved acknowledgement and acceptance from a father figure -- the man who gave him the only thing Tom truly owned -- his name. He would have had a vaguely defined mother figure in Mrs. Cole, perhaps.

"You see that house upon the hillside, Potter? My father lived there. My mother, a witch who lived here in this village, fell in love with him. But he abandoned her when she told him what she was.... He didn’t like magic, my father ... He left her and returned to his Muggle parents before I was even born, Potter, and she died giving birth to me, leaving me to be raised in a Muggle orphanage ... but I vowed to find him ... I revenged myself upon him, that fool who gave me his name ... Tom Riddle. ..."

We know that by June of 1943 (COS flashback) Tom has already uncovered the truth of his parentage; he knows he is the Heir of Slytherin via the Gaunt line, and he describes himself to Dippet as ‘Half-blood, sir. Witch mother, Muggle father.’

In Part 1, I discussed the high probability that as a presumed ‘Mudblood’, Tom Riddle was treated rather poorly in Slytherin House. But by this scene in the fall of 1943, he is surrounded by a group of adoring hangers-on. Why?

In my opinion; the Gaunt Ring. We know that Tom stopped wearing it after school, so its sentimental value couldn’t have been that great. We know he likes to collect objects (which I believe stems from his attachment issues -- he seeks comfort in things instead of other people).

Signet rings (such as the one belonging to Tutankhamun seen above) were used to stamp legal documents and such, in order to certify someone’s identify -- like an e-certificate, if you will. Like Tutankhamun’s ring, the Gaunt Ring bears an identifying symbol -- Marvolo Gaunt tells us proudly that it bears the Peverell family crest.

By the Middle Ages, anyone of influence, including the nobility, wore a signet ring. Rings in antiquity were auspicious -- they signified power, legitimacy, and authority. And so, I believe that all the Sacred Twenty-Eight families would have worn these, too.

And so, bearing the Gaunt Ring would have established Tom Riddle, symbolically and in the eyes of the Sacred Twenty-Eight (his future supporters and followers), as the legitimate heir to the House of Gaunt. This is why, I believe, Tom coveted the ring as soon as he saw it -- not just because it was a family heirloom, and not just because he thought it was a pretty toy for his collection.

(He curses it so that no one else but him can wear the Gaunt Ring safely.)

This is why, to make the legitimization literal as well as symbolic, Tom murders his father and grandparents. It’s not just an act of vindictive, murderous rage due to his perception of being rejected by his father (although it is that, too). And so, Tom, abandoning his search for a father figure (and possibly also giving up on the possibility to allow himself to heal from his own personal trauma rather than continue to inflict it on others), ‘cleanses’ his bloodline, to make himself truly legitimate. It’s rather telling that instead of affirming his legitimacy as a Riddle, which would have put him in line for a nice inheritance, and hey -- money is money -- (thus accepting his half-blood status), he simply kills them all. He has done all the murdering he needs to become immortal (and he hasn’t had the discussion about multiple Horcruxes yet); but yet, he does it again. Frightening stuff.

(Just look how the others look at Tom. All but the one to his left -- possibly Nott, Rosier, or Mulciber -- have their torsos turned towards him. Their attention is on him, while he knowingly regards the viewer/Harry. Tom seems a little uncomfortable with the attention.).

“And there were the half-dozen teenage boys sitting around Slughorn with Tom Riddle in the midst of them, Marvolo's gold-and-black ring gleaming on his finger.”

...

“Riddle smiled; the other boys laughed and cast him admiring looks.”

...

“Tom Riddle merely smiled as the others laughed again. Harry noticed that he was by no means the eldest of the group of boys, but that they all seemed to look to him as their leader.”

The ‘gang’ are true hangers-on; Tom doesn’t seem to pay them much attention.

So, if not via careful flattery or charisma, the attraction must be status.

And perhaps yet more telling...

"I don't know that politics would suit me, sir," he said when the laughter had died away. "I don't have the right kind of background, for one thing." “A couple of the boys around him smirked at each other. Harry was sure they were enjoying a private joke, undoubtedly about what they knew, or suspected, regarding their gang leader's famous ancestor.”

That, in my opinion, is as good as we’re going to get as proof that Tom’s shiny new signet ring (and by extension, his new status) made a big impression on his fellow students.

So, when he returns to Hogwarts, he is ‘pureblood’. He is cleansed of his Muggle roots, and becomes the legitimate heir of the House of Gaunt, now well on his way to becoming Lord Voldemort...

Watch the scene again, with a critical eye, and imagine Slughorn’s perspective, instead of Harry’s. There’s nothing creepy about Tom Riddle... unless you know what he is...

Strip away all the effects of Harry’s gaze (and notice, here he’s still looking at Harry), and he’s quite the charmer, actually.

(I will concede that I don’t like the promotional images where they have him looking like he’s up to no good. And I do wish he blinked once in a while.)

My challenge to you: Rewatch the scene with an open mind, and let me know if you agree that Dillane’s portrayal comes off as depressive rather than ‘creepy.’ And if not, why do you dislike his portrayal?

#tom riddle #character analysis #character study #the many faces of #tom marvolo riddle #frank dillane #i literally could not find any pictures other than these #literal crumbs i swear #i know this is unpopular #people really dislike him i guess #watch the scene again with an open mind i promise you'll like it #i seriously do think he did a good job #tw: mention of child abuse #tw: mention of self-harm #i'm not trying to oversimplify things but you can't deny that maybe if tom was hugged as a child it would have helped #say it with me: psychopathy is not an actual medical diagnosis #it's actual more of a legal/criminal justice term #and people just use it as a synonym for 'evil' at this point so the original meaning is pretty much obscured #and personality disorders should not be moralized #people with personality disorders are not 'evil'

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kadhis-stuff · 3 years

Text

You can’t keep a secret forever

Summary: How is a woman supposed to tell her husband, who has been married to her for almost 7 years now, that she can read minds? That she has been able to since the first moment they met?

This is a gift for @nonokoko13! (AO3 link). I hope you enjoy it! Here’s my little contribution to the Damianya part of the fandom :)

Anya’s unstoppable right foot shook so hard that the dining table moved to her tune, causing a metallic sound from the table legs hitting the floor. Her hands joined forming a fist that was holding her chin. She was staring at the ceiling of her house, looking for some inspiration on what to do. As if the ceiling tiles were an almighty god with all the answers willing to share with mere mortals.

Anya was concerned. A concerned 26-year-old woman. A concern police officer in these peaceful times. She never told anyone about this. Not even her parents. It was an intrinsic part of herself. It grew to be normal on her. Part of what defines what Anya Forger-Desmond is.

How is a woman supposed to tell her husband, who has been married to her for almost 7 years now, that she can read minds? That she has been able to since the first moment they met?

What people has always said about her is that she is a very perceptive person. And as the years went by, she got better at hiding it. No one has been able to hide a secret from her for long. And that is something that, today, was making Damian miserable.

Damian decided that this year was going to be the year. He will blow her mind with the most astonishing surprise ever. He will prove to her that he still has it, after all these years of marriage. For her to remember the feeling of being on the lookout and not knowing what to expect. The knowledge of something coming her way without a clue of what might that be.

Two things were wrong with Damian’s assumptions. First, he has never, ever, surprised her. Not on purpose at least, not by planning something out. He shouldn’t need to prove that he still has anything in that regard. And secondly, she doesn’t know how it feels to be non-puzzled because people usually think about the surprises while they are being planned or revealed. She hasn’t figure it out a way to put a spoiler alert tag on people, so she just deals with it.

Why was Damian getting so frustrated about this lately?

The worst part is that his poker face is too good. There are times in which she knows what Damian is truly thinking just because she can read his mind. Instead, she is an open book.

Faking surprise? Yeah, that has never worked out for her before.

After faking a face, she is always hit by the thoughts “Oh, she saw it coming” “She knew about it” “Surely Becky told her” “Surely Damian told her” “Am I this bad at lying?”

His husband was feeling insecure and he did not tell her, she knows it because she is able to read. His. Mind.

What to do? What to do?

She growled at the ceiling tiles.

She truly thought she was going to be able to take this secret to her tomb. She never told Mama and Papa, and the only one that -probably- knew it, was Bond.

She took a sip of the hot chocolate she prepared to help herself think. Why did she decide to keep it a secret from them all these years?

Right. That night. When she was just an 8-year-old.

~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V

She had the popcorn’s bowl in her lap. Mama was on her right, watching the movie. Papa was on her left, reading a book. Bond was lying in front of her, eyes closed, unfazed by the fighting sounds coming from the TV. It was the latest Spy Wars movie. One of the bad guys had the ability to read minds with a machine.

Loid and Yor already knew about each other secret lives and after a bit dramatic fight, they accepted each other identities and decided to live together after all. Which made possible for Anya to live a real life with them. And she was pondering the possibility to tell them. To also come clean of secrets. For them to be the first people in her life to know. So, she gathered courage, her hands forming fists and asked with the most casual tone she could gathered “Isn’t that cool?”

“What, Anya?” Asked Yor cocking her head with closed eyes and her always gentle smile, who was paying attention to the movie.

“Being able to read minds”. No, she cannot do it. Oh shit, she was already doing it. Panic. She ate a handful of popcorn at once. Swallowed it quickly to continue. “What do you think about that?”

Loid was the first to reply, in his detached matter-of-fact way of speaking, so serious and yet so smooth “Well, even if it is certainly an advantage it might be dangerous. It seems that the machine could blow out at any minute now”

Not the answer she was hoping. Anya wanted to divert the attention from the movie. Was Papa even paying attention to it? He was supposed to be reading. “But think about it in real life” she took her mother’s hand. She wanted to ask ‘what if I was the one reading minds’ but she was too scared to hear the answer, so she said the next thing she thought about. “What if mama were able to read our minds all the time?”

“M-Me?” A soft pink colored her cheeks, and she gave it a thought. “It could be a little tiring I guess, not being able to focus on my own mind because everybody is thinking around me”

That was an accurate way to describe it. Although Anya was getting better at handling it.

“It will probably be weird for the people around her.” Her father got her attention in a second, now we were talking. “I wouldn’t be able to look Yor in the eyes the same way again.”

“Why?” And her voice was probably a pitch higher than before.

“If a person can read your mind, they will know you better than anyone else. They will know what you think even if it is not what you chose to say, so they will not only know the person you want to be or the one you are trying to become, but they will know the true you. And that is something terrifying somehow. Not all people will be able to handle that.”

“Will you get away from mama if she was able to read minds?”

“No, I don’t have secrets from Mama anyway”

But Anya could read minds. And she knew what Loid’s real answer was. She still tried one more time.

“And you Mama, will you stay with Papa even if he was able to read your mind?”

“Of course, sweetheart”

But the devasting truth was that both were terrified of the idea. And although they didn’t directly think “yes, I will leave”, they both imagined multiple situations in which they would rather die from shame than letting the counterpart know their deepest secrets.

“I see” was all that Anya was able to say, while shrinking more into the couch.

“Why are you making that face Anya?” Yor asked, hugging her shoulders with one hand. “Nobody is able to read minds, so you don’t need to worry about it”.

But she did worry about it. Because at the short age of eight, she swore to herself to never reveal her deepest secret to anyone. It was something bad. It was something to be ashamed of. Anya would rather die than letting anybody know about it and let them treat her differently because of it.

~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V

But here she was. Pondering her options. Because maybe the truth was what Damian needed right now. Maybe he could be the first. Maybe she could trust him to not destroy her feelings with utter rejection.

Two weeks ago, Becky invited her for lunch and, as usual, she was telling her about the latest sweetheart she was dating. The conversation ended up shifting to Damian and Anya’s long-term relationship. This year they were going to celebrate the 7 years anniversary.

“There’s a saying, you know?” said Becky casually, taking the dessert spoon when the waiter brought her ‘Golden Opulence’ sundae. “If a marriage remains together after seven years, they will be together forever.”

“Non-sense, there wouldn’t be divorces after 10 years then.”

“I mean it, Anya. It’s called The Seven Year Itch”

Anya rolled her eyes and started to eat her own dessert. “And what’s supposed to happen on the 7th year?”

“Monotony. Love ends. People get bored. They feel like the compatibility is no longer there. That the other person just ‘don’t get it’ anymore.”

The last part caught Anya’s attention. Why was that ringing a bell on her head?

And then she remembered all the times along the year that Damian tried to do different things for her, which all ended up in a frustrated husband.

Could Damian fear they were not compatible anymore?

Anya face twisted like an open book to Becky.

“How is it going with Damian, Anya?” She had concern in her eyes. And Anya knew it was real concern. Becky took her hand over the table “Everything ok at home?”

“Yeah,” she tried to dismiss it with a smile “everything is fine”

But hey, she was friends with Becky for over 20 years now. And Anya did not really know how to lie to save her life.

Becky insisted.

“Okay, well, there might be something” twirling her fingers in rounds, looking to the ground pouting, Anya mumbled indescribable words to Becky before finally saying it: “I think Damian is a bit concern about the fact that he can’t surprise me”

“Nobody can surprise you. You are too good at reading people. And a terrible liar.”

“And he has known about it for years now!” Yes Becky, agree with her. It was not her fault. It was not her fault. “It shouldn’t be that big of a deal, right?”

“Then why do you think he is concerned about that?” Becky was confused.

Because she knew.

A couple days back, Damian got up earlier to cook her favorite breakfast and took it to her bed. But Anya knew that it was going to happen before hand because he bought and hid the ingredients the day before, so she did her best sleepy surprised expression and started to eat.

Damian’s thoughts were loud in his head “Loser. I cannot even surprise her when she is half asleep. Nothing works”

But he did not tell her that, instead, he kissed her forehead and walk out of the room with the excuse of meeting his brother early that day. Lie. He just wanted to be out of there. Away from her.

Anya replied: “He told me he feels bad because he can’t surprise me, I just want him to know that it is not his fault”

“Well, there’s a limit on how perceptive a person can be. I had surprise you before. It’s hard, yes, but possible. It might be kind of his fault” Actually, Becky surprised her on a moonless night.

“It is not” Anya hit her head into the table with a defeated expression on her face “I need him to understand that”.

She can only get surprised on moonless days. But how to explain it without telling the truth?

And here she was.

Thinking.

Considering.

Pondering.

Did it worth the risk?

She was so deeply scared about how hard she wanted to tell him. How hard she wanted to trust him. To believe he will love her no matter what. She has known Damian since he was 6 years old. She knows how good or bad he can be. The deepest secrets of his heart. What makes him happy even if he has never openly said so. There is no human being that she knows better than him.

Damian was certainly going to panic.

But will he overcome it? Accept it?

She was so scared that she picked today, a moonless day, to do so. She wasn’t strong enough to hear the rejection coming from him. Her heart wouldn’t handle it. No matter if he later thinks twice about it and accept it. She couldn’t stand the idea of hearing him fear her.

She heard the doorknob opening and her mind went blank, her back ran cold and her hands got sweaty. Was it right? Would it help him to know? Would it make it worst? She doesn’t know.

“I’m home”

He immediately noticed the distressed on his wife. “Is everything alright?”

“No” elbows on the table, she just holds her forehead with her fists. Eyes closed “Can you please take a sit? We need to talk”.

Damian did as requested, showing a hint of concern in his face.

Although a part of Anya appreciated the silence for her to gather her thoughts in order, the other part wanted to peek into Damian’s head and see what he was thinking.

“I know you have been mad a lot lately”.

She looked at him right in the eyes. It seemed to take him aback.

“Me? Mad? About what?” He deviated his gaze quickly, as if looking for a better answer. He was also a terrible liar, somehow.

“About the fact that you can’t surprise me”

Damian’s eyes turned sad, avoiding her gaze he just stared at the table. “Am I that much of an open book to you?”

“No- Yes. Err, something like that”

Still avoiding her gaze, he moved his eyes to the window next to them. “I’m sorry for not being able to do the same for you”

She took his hand over the table; he was still refusing to look at her.

“Damian, please look at me”

She squeezed his hand. He finally did.

“There’s something important I need to tell you. It might sound crazy, but it is the truth. And I’m terrified of telling you. Nobody” and she repeated the word with all the emphasis she could gathered in her voice “Nobody, knows about this. It is my most guarded secret and I swore to myself that I will take it to my tomb”

That got Damian’s attention. Momentarily forgetting how shitty of a husband he was feeling lately.

“I love you, Damian. And I trust you” she was scared. So scared that Damian’s hand was wet with her sweat now. “And I will tell you”

This is it. She will say it. Her heart was beating faster than ever. She was going to reveal her deepest secret.

“The reason why neither you nor anyone can’t surprise me is because…”

Silence. She bits her lip. She cannot face him. She stops to stare at his eyes and lowers her gaze.

“Because…”

Damian squeezes her hand softly this time, encouraging her to talk.

She sighs. Shuts her eyes harder. Takes a big breath and hold it for a couple seconds, until finally releasing it, talking as fast as she could “BecauseICanReadMinds”

Damian asks her to repeat herself, slowly this time.

“Because I can… read minds”

Of course, Damian doesn’t believe it. He drops her hand and stand up from the table. So much mystery and expectation for a joke. He was truly feeling bad about it and Anya wanted to do one of the weird jokes in an honestly bad time.

Damian was feeling insecure. He heard about the Seven Year Itch at work early that year. And he realized that without space for doubts Anya was the person that knew the most about him. But did he know about her the same way? Did he pay enough attention? And what about the relationship? Was he getting monotonous? Will Anya look for other men that can provide her the excitement she so dearly appreciates in her life? How much can she stand his own inaptitude?

So yeah, Damian is pretty pissed off. He gives her his back and walks towards the bedroom for some cooling off time.

“I’m telling the truth!” he hears her say.

He stops on his track and looks at her sideways. “Yeah? What am I thinking right now?”

She feels like stabbed. She didn’t think he was going to assume it was a lie. She was worried about a bunch of other scenarios. “I don’t know! It doesn’t work on days without moon!”

“How convenient. Should I assume today is a New Moon day?”

Damian was already reaching the shared bedroom when Anya took his hand to stop him. Once he entered the room, he was going to shut the door and keep her out for a couple hours until to cool down. He always did it when he was truly pissed off. She knows it and doesn’t want to let him do it. Because once he cools off, she could get cold feet and now that she has resolved to tell him, she did not want to brush it off as a joke or something like that.

“Damian, look at my eyes”

He ignored her.

She took his head with one hand and made him face her. “Look at me”

He finally did.

“I’m telling you the truth. I am adopted. People did things to me when I was a kid, in a lab. I can read minds since I am 3 years old. I had read your mind since the first time I met you. Every day. Except on days when there’s no moon in the sky”

And Damian does know something about his wife. She cannot lie to him to save his life. That is why even if she has tried to act surprised for years, he has always known when she was faking it. He thought it was because she pitied him. He was bad at surprises, and because he couldn’t properly catch her off guard, she fakes it. What Anya was just saying…? Could it be true?

“Why are you telling me this on the day you can’t prove it?”

“Because I’m terrified on what you might be thinking about me.” After saying that, she broke the eye contact with him “I do not want to hear your rejection.” She lets his hand loose “I might still hear it tomorrow, because you can’t trick your own thoughts. I will know the truth. But I couldn’t do it today.”

Damian knows with certainty; he does love his wife. He has loved her for many years now and undoubted he will do it for many years to come. He could not stand watching her like this. It broke his heart. He holds her in a tight hug.

The moment he hugged her Anya started to cry. He spoke softly into her ear “What you are telling me right now is so nonsensical, absurd. Crazy. But I want you to know that no matter what, I love you. And I won’t reject you even if you were an alien from another planet”

Her shuddering sobs started to calm down “Even if I came from Pluto? It is not a planet.”

“Even then, Anya”

She holds him tight “I am sorry”

“About what”

“Being unable to fake my surprise face and making you sad about it”

He removed a tear from her cheek before placing a small kiss on her lips “I preferred it that way. That makes me enjoy more when I see you genuinely surprised. Maybe that’s why I try so hard.”

They stood there for a while, in a comfortable silent hug.

“So how does it work?” He asked.

“Well, I can hear what you think in front of me. If I concentrate enough, I can hear a specific person several feet away”

“Can you know something about a person that is not actively thinking it in that moment?”

“Like look into a person’s memories?”

“Yeah”

“No, I can’t. Just what they are thinking at that time.”

“I see”

Silence again.

Damian broke it, again. Flustered this time “So you have been able to read my mind all this time?”

“Yes”

“W-were you able to read it when I was thinking of kissing you for the first time?”

“Every time until you finally did it” She laughs.

Damian was full red-faced at this point “Did you also read it on Becky’s 18th birthday party?”

Anya’s cheeks dyed pink at the memory “Y-Yeah”

This time Damian covered his face with both of his hands. “Did you read it on our wedding?”

“No” That got him out of the ashamed-zone for a second.

“Why?”

“I ensure it was on a moonless day. I didn’t want to get myself overwhelmed by all the guest’s thoughts on such special day”

Silence.

“That makes sense”

“Yeah”

More silence.

“So, you can’t read them today even if you try hard?”

“Not a single word”

He nods with his head.

“I think I get it”

“Are you not like… feeling weird?”

“Yes, I am”

“… Would you have preferred for me to not tell you never about this?”

He denied with his head “Thank you for telling me, it must have been hard”

“Not even my parents know”

“Really?”

“Really”

Anya didn’t need to read his head to know that he was feeling pretty cocky about it. It was painted all over his face.

More silence.

Out of the blue, Damian started to laugh. He brushed his hair with his fingers and looked at her with sparkles in his eyes.

“I swear I will surprise you this Christmas”

She laughs.

“And how are you going to do that?”

“Now that I know how you do it, I will train myself from here to December. I will need your help, though”

“I will gladly help”

She smiled.

“I love you”

He smiled.

“I love you too”

She figured it out it was okay to tell him the other secret not even her parents knew. If we are coming clean, we are coming clean about everything.

“You know… I am also two years younger. I lied about my age for my papa to adopt me.”

Damian thought about it for several minutes. Face full red again once he talked.

“Y-You were sixteen on Becky’s party!?”

~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V

After that day back in August, they set up a calendar on the fridge door marking the moonless days. The day after “the talk”, Damian spent all morning having a talk to her. Or more like, keeping his mouth shut while she was keeping the conversation out loud with Damian playing with the fact that he can hold a conversation with her without pronouncing a single word.

It had been fun, somehow, watching Damian adapt to his new life over the months.

He soon realized Anya probably knew about all the people he had wanted to kill at some point. She also knew when he thinks about another woman being pretty. She totally knew when he lied to her about enjoying some new food she cooked. She knew when he was being mean with people in his head without reason.

He sometimes forgets and still lies to her. Then, he gets self-conscious about the fact she already knows the truth and apologize for lying.

He has also caught her off guard and surprised her already a couple times. The trick is to think about literally anything else near her and plan the surprises when she is not close by. A bit more difficult, but definitely more gratifying.

She knew all the good and all the bad that was in his mind, and after seeing everything she still loved him. She has always known, since he was a child, and after all this time she was not only still his friend but accept him as a partner to spend her life with.

How can he ever have doubts about her feelings again? How if she already knew everything about him and accepted him as he is?

Is it fair to be blessed in this life with the sincere and absolute love of a person that truly knows you?

For Anya, the feeling was mutual. The first weeks she cried of happiness almost every day. Damian didn’t leave her. He accepted it. Looked for ways to make it work. Embraced it as a challenge to surpass together. As a team.

~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V

On the Christmas day Anya woke up with an alarm’s sound coming from Damian’s side of the bed. She tried to move him to shut it off, but she just found an empty space next to her. A note left in his pillow. She opened her eyes and started to read it with a sleepy face, after shutting the damn thing off.

“Anya,

I’m sorry I was not there to kiss you a good morning today. I needed the alarm so you could eat your breakfast while it was still hot. Please get out of the bed and go to the kitchen. There’s a surprise waiting for you there”

Anya’s smile was big in her face. What? She was enjoying the fact that she had zero clues about this.

She didn’t put shoes on and went out of the bedroom in a second, to the kitchen. The first thing she noticed in the hallway was the strong smell of roses.

The image that welcomed her left her speechless. There were fresh flowers everywhere and in her seat of the dining table there was a full set of plates and another note.

“There is fruit, fresh baked croissants, fried eggs and bacon. Plenty of orange juice and a big peanut can. You can either finish the peanuts after breakfast or carry them with you along the day for a snack. And because I didn’t want you to eat in silence, please go to take the TV remote and turn it on.”

She took a bite of one of the croissants and did as commanded. A video of recaps of their wedding day played with Bryan Adams’ “I do it for you” acoustic version playing in the background. After certain pictures there was a message.

The first photo in the video was one of Anya entering the church. “The moment I saw you step into the hallway, I cried”. The next one, was a photo of Damian crying in his suit. “Because the only thing that was crossing my mind was that I was the luckiest man in the world. You looked like an angel. The most stunning woman was walking in my direction, to declare to myself and the world that she willingly will spend all her life next to me. You continuously make me the best version of myself, Anya”. A third photo: Anya signing the official documents. “Or that’s what I would probably have been thinking if my brain hasn’t done shortcut at that moment”. The next photo that flashes across the screen was one of both exiting the church holding each other hand. “I swear to you I couldn’t think of anything. My mind was a loop of ‘wow’ until the priest started talking and I then I was forced to focus to remember my vows”.

Anya was shaking. A couple tears were rolling down her cheeks. She got pretty emotional watching the video. Several pictures of the party followed without any more messages until the end of the video. She finished the breakfast and took the peanuts can. A message showed up on the TV: “I know the bed is tempting on a Christmas day without responsibilities. But please go and get yourself ready. It is a sunny beautiful day, what about a walk in the park? Make sure to wear comfortable shoes.”

She went back to the bedroom, took a quick shower and got a pair of jeans, a white t-shirt and her favorite sneakers. On top of them, another note.

“I knew you would pick these ones. They are old Anya, let me give you new ones with the same color and style. Your refusal is non-negotiable this time around.”

Anya laughed, no. She will keep them until they are torn, and her toes shows at the front. What is a little worn shoe sole and colorless sections? She loves those shoes. He gave them to her a few years back, when she broke a heel in a night outgoing and the only opened store only sold sneakers. The note continuous

“A boy selling newspapers will be waiting for you in the park. He’s wearing a red t-shirt”

So, to the park it is.

It was a sunny day indeed. A lot of people with the day off were having a blast with their families, kids playing with dogs, old people playing chest, fathers and mothers teaching her kids how to use a bicycle for the first time. She wanted to be reunited with her family too.

It was easy to find the boy. He was so nervous that his thoughts were louder than the people around him “Pink haired woman, give it only to a pink haired woman that uses old shoes. Pink haired woman.”

“Hello there, are you the newspaper boy I’m looking for?”

He took a quick glance at her shoes and then cleared his throat looking for a newspaper in his bag. “They told me the job-hunting section was filled with important information, agent Peanut.”

Anya smiled. So that is what this is about. “Thank you, have a good day.”

While she was getting away to search for a free bench to sit on, she heard the thoughts of the boy running in the opposite direction “I need to tell the man I already did it”

She opened the newspaper, there was a pen marking the start of the section the boy mentioned. She read over the lines carefully until she noticed the pattern. The same they used in episode 703 of “Spy Wars”. The secret code was easy to decipher. Each line had two dots marking each one a letter. The letter that was in the middle of the two marked ones was the one she needs to mark in a circle. And reading it from bottom to top, she will get the message.

“Train station. 53. Seat 9A.”

Anya closed the newspaper and run towards the train station. Laughing her heart out. Such a fun morning. What was Damian planning to do?! She opened the peanuts can that brought with her and eat a few “Crazy man.”

She found out the train she was supposed to take was going to the city borders. In the seat 9A there was an envelope. She opened it.

“Agent Peanut, we have captured your husband. We will torture him until he reveals your deepest secrets. Do not even try to come to the old peanut’s abandoned factory outside the city where we have our secret liar. Coordinates: 51.08342, 10.423447”

The envelope also had the ticket for the ride. Anya rolled her eyes. Damian loved to make fun of the fact that the villain always gave its secret liar address to the good guys as if screaming “go and get me if you dare”. It was never this painfully obvious in the show. Except on episode 113, the one about ‘Bad-Man and the pâtissier heist’.

The train was already in movement when she heard a voice. “Ticket, please?”

She stared at the man and could hear his thoughts “Pink hair, green eyes”. “Are you Miss Peanut?”

A light blushed enlighten her face. It was ok for the newspaper boy to say it but having a fellow adult calling her that was a bit shameful “Yes”

The man took a backpack from the compartments above her seat. “This is for you”

The man left after marking her ticket, leaving her alone to explore the inside of the backpack. She covered her mouth with her hands. “Oh my god”

There were a couple toy guns with 30 bullets each. A belt to hold them. A water bottle, a black t-shirt, cap and sunglasses. There was also another envelope.

“Hey, don’t you dare abandon me.”

A quick sketch of a Damian tied to a chair saying ‘help’ was on the upper right corner of the paper.

Anya bit her lower lip and whispered the answer to herself: “Never”

She was able to change her clothes before reaching the destination. From the station, it was just a 15 minutes’ walk.

Her heart was beating fast. This was exciting. Damian was giving her surprise after surprise and she was loving it. It wasn’t even a moonless day. How come he did not think about this the previous days? He (his mind) usually won’t shut up whenever there’s a big surprise coming. Now that he knows she can read minds; did he take extra precautions? He on purpose force himself to think about everything but this? He was literally thinking about the Christmas lunch and where to go. Planning dinner with her parents. Was it a trick? Or will they go after this? What is it? She took some things for granted today and thought about the surprise being a gift in a box that she’ll open in the family dinner. This was a thousand times better.

She finally reached her destination. A bunch of voices caught her attention.

“Mister Damian is too sweet” Was one of the female voices.

“At least I’m getting paid twice for working on Christmas” another voice.

“I hope Anya doesn’t get hurt” A third one.

“I should have gotten a bigger breakfast this morning” A fourth one.

How much people did Damian had there?

But suddenly, a voice shut out: “Enemy on sight, enemy on sight!”

An alarm started to ring, and Anya’s heart felt like to explode from the adrenaline.

“Don’t let her go to the second floor!”

So that is where she was supposed to go.

Anya entered through an open window and suddenly a lot of gas started to fill the warehouse. Anya saw that the people inside was armed with the same guns she had in the backpack. She took one from the belt and started to shoot. The people she was shooting started to fall and ‘die’. She ran across the people in the middle of the smoke to the stairs when a big guy was waiting for her like a wall.

Anya was a 26-year-old police officer. She was mildly offended that there was only one guy. She easily passed through him and reached the second floor.

Fifteen-armed (with toys) people were waiting for her. Damian was tied in a chair with a smirk in his beautiful face, thinking for her mind only: “Are you going to rescue me or what?”

But the biggest surprise of all was the villain.

“Uncle Yuri?”

“Oh! You have finally find my liar, Agent Peanut!” he ignored her question, getting full in character “But you are late, your husband refused to give us information, so he is useless now. I have decided that he is going to die in 5 minutes!” A bomb with a clock was chained to Damian’s chest.

“I won’t let you!” She was full on combat mode now. Following the game. “Leave my husband alone! This is between you and me!”

“Soldiers, kill her!”

But Anya was too good. She didn’t stop laughing while fighting with the people they hired for this. When she was finally done with the ‘guards’ she faced her uncle: “Now it is your turn!”

“You think you can take me down in 4 minutes and a half? Keep dreaming! You’ll face your end at the hands of – he sighed and though “I can believe I’m going to say this but agh, whatever” - Bad-Man!” She was 100% sure they stopped the clock for dramatic purposes. Also Uncle Yuri performance, top notch!

Anya run to her uncle and kick him with all her might. He easily blocked it with his hand.

A bunch of kicks and fist fighting followed. Yuri was enjoying it as much as Anya. They trained together many years ago, but after Anya grew up and become a member of the police department, they stopped to have the sessions. There was no particular reason for it, they just didn’t have the time anymore.

So being here fighting each other was like a jump back in time. And Yuri’s eyes get a little bit to shiny and his smile was a bit too big while defending up from her attacks.

Finally, Yuri fell with a dramatic scream when Anya shot him in the chest with the toy gun. (it probably hurt, though. She was mere inches away from him).

There is no way in hell that the fight took less than 10 minutes. But when she run towards Damian the clock has a minute left before the explosion.

She took the tape out of his mouth and dramatically kissed him. “Are you alright?”

“Hurry Anya! The bomb is going to explode any second now!”

“What is the key?”

There was a circular padlock holding the timer. Anya looked around her and run to Yuri’s pockets. Empty.

“Have you seen something that circular today?” Damian asked her.

She tried to read his mind, but all she found was “I won’t tell you. I won’t tell you. I won’t tell you” repeated as a mantra.

35 seconds.

Think Anya, think.

And then it hit her. She opened the backpack and took the peanut can. Could it be?

She pushed the can against the padlock and the timer stopped.

She beamed at Damian with a smile in her face “Take that!”

He was, however, staring at her with a loving gaze “You did it wonderfully”.

She then released him from the chains and hugged him. “I love you so much”

He replied to her with a thought in his head: “No more than how much I love you, Anya. Merry Christmas”

“You, big dork” was all she could say in a voice faltering with love.

“That hurts, Peanut” Yuri’s voice was behind her “No hugs for the boxing bag you just defeat and keep ignoring?”

She turned around and hugged her uncle without saying a word. She then removed a couple traitor tears that escape her eyes. “So, what’s next?”

“The helicopter is waiting for us behind the building.”

“Helicopter?”

“I just wanted you to live the full experience” was her husband reply.

She intertwined his fingers on hers “Thank you for today”

But there was a final surprise.

Damian’s sweet smile was not showing all the embarrassingly intense passionate thoughts he suddenly sent her way about the plans for the rest of the day and night. Anya’s face grew red in an instant. One of the downsides of the new discovered power was that Damian enjoyed making her blush on public. His smile shift to a cocky one once he saw his wife reaction.

“Did you really though my plans ended up after lunch? It is as if you don’t know me at all”

“Well… I do have the rest of my life to do that”

------------------

Hope you like it! Happy holidays!

#damianya #aged-up #spyxfamily #spy x family #sneaky santa exchange #anya forger #damian desmond #my writing

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dailydnp · 3 years

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British YouTuber, presenter, and author Daniel Howell offers a practical yet poignant look into mental health – his own struggles held up as a mirror for anyone else going through the same – in his book You Will Get Through This Night.

Written in conjunction with psychologist Dr Heather Bolton, the book is an amalgamation of Howell’s own experiences and Dr Bolton’s expert perspective combined to create a reading that feels like a personal attack in the best of ways, forcing you confront, embrace and then overcome your perception of your own mental health.

Best described as, “a practical guide to taking control of your mental health for today, tomorrow, and the days after,” You Will Get Through This Night takes readers through Howell’s mental health journey, wrapped in his trademark sense of humour and nuggets of wisdom that urge them forwards in their path to a healthier mindset.

Speaking to 1883, Howell describes what pushed him to write the book, learning to question his normal, how upbringing and culture impacts one’s perception of mental health, the role that a sense of humour plays in getting the conversation around mental health started and more.

Was there a particular moment that solidified your decision to write this book?

I think it was just realizing the power that every single person has to tell their story and break down the wall. Because with mental health, it’s the thing that every single person has a universal experience of. And yet, we all like to go, ‘I’m fine,’ when we’re completely having a meltdown on the inside and it was me opening up, not because I thought it was a nice idea just because I thought I had to open up about what I was going through with my depression, my sexuality. I went through 27 years of terrible mental health, without even realizing that you’re not supposed to be that way. It’s the idea that we all think we are broken, born in a certain way and doomed to feel that way forever, and that’s fundamentally wrong. I thought I’d like to write this book because other people may see themselves in it, notice that they relate to something, and therefore maybe there’s something about themselves that they need to work on. I literally I just wrote the book that I wish I could have read, because for me it was a struggle to even find the resources and the advice I needed.

You’ve mentioned in the book, that you never questioned your symptoms and that you were taken aback when the doctor said you were suffering from depression. But where there moments before that you started questioning this perception of what was normal to you?

I think it became my normal to feel bad all the time, which sounds dramatic but it was me. I thought it was all to do with my choices, age, environment and my job. But mental health is deeper than that, it’s something deeper and it’s something that you can actually have a positive effect on, which is what I wish I knew earlier, and it only happened when I got to a point where I was struggling, so much that I couldn’t even function day-to-day. In my mind, there was either nothing or there’s crazy. I thought you just have to get over your problems or you are totally crazy, which is so ignorant but that’s just not the truth. So, I went to a doctor and he said I think you might have depression and that is a real thing. And there’s lots that you can do about it. It’s about just understanding everything to do with how your thoughts and feelings work, the relationship between your biology and how you interact with the world physically. It was such a slow and painful journey to learn all of that that I thought, I’m just going to put it all in here and the idea is that for someone who picks up this book, they can go right in. I’ll put it up on the shelf and then when I need to read it, I’m going to pick it up and open it again. So, I just wanted to be super practical.

I really liked this quote in the book “breakdown can be breakthroughs”. So, when was the last time you can think of that a breakdown led to a breakthrough for you?

Every other week, like you know, all of us. It’s just human instinct to try and stick through it and ignore the problems especially with work. It’s a great excuse to lie, “ I know I feel bad but I’m really busy.” And it goes like that until things get way too intense. For me, there were moments where I felt I simply cannot keep going in my career or day-to-day life or try to pretend like I’m funny, until I deal with the fact that I’m gay. And though there was this terrible feeling like “have I hit rock bottom?” But the thing with any obstacle is that it stops you from going in the wrong direction and when you are forced to turn around usually it means you’re confronting the truth for the first time. Usually if someone has a breakdown, if you hit that wall in your life, that point where you absolutely can’t keep going until you turn around and something scary is going to be waiting, it means you’re going in the right direction. When you have these moments of confrontation, instead of procrastinating or running away, if you face it then it’s hopefully better days ahead.

Speaking of procrastination, you talk about burnout and the five-minute rule in one section. How do you strike a balance between not procrastinating and getting things done, but also not overworking yourself?

The human concept of work is very strange and it’s just one of those great examples of something that we’ve all brainwashed ourselves to see a certain way, to put value on certain things that are ultimately probably not great and inevitably lead to another dramatic moment of self-destruction and procrastination, which are both associated with so much guilt and shame.But in reality it’s not because I’m lazy that I don’t want to start this thing, it’s probably I’m terrified of starting this thing because I know that it’s important, I don’t want to fail at it. So, think of the five minute rule as ripping the plaster off, because it’s always the fear of starting. That was me, writing this book and feel like I’m not in the mood to do that, but then moment I start then I’d just write for consecutive hours. Again, it’s just snapping out of the mindset that you’re probably on, which goes I’m doing this because it’s important, and I have to do it. You probably don’t have to do it, you’re probably just running from something else. So, whether you are procrastinating, you think you’re lazy, or you’re telling yourself that you have to put up all of your issues to deal with whatever you’re busy with, you need to flip it around and look at it, not just from in healthier way but in more honest way. I’m not going to cripple myself with guilt and shame about procrastination but I’m not going to over work myself.

You’ve also written about how one of the worst things you can say to someone going through depression is to get over it. What’s the hardest of trying to get people to understand that it isn’t something you can get over?

I think you cannot underestimate how profoundly ignorant most of the world still is about mental health and that’s not people’s fault. It’s just that science, education and culture has just not been doing the right thing even if science recently has come a long way. We’ve got hundreds of years of stigma that come from. Breaking down the barriers, by being honest, with someone one-to-one is a great way to do that. And it just telling them “I’m not going to pretend that everything’s fine. I just want to tell you that, I feel that way.” And for a lot of people who say they don’t understand depression, anxiety etc, if just say I feel bad and I want to do something about it, people usually empathize with it. I also think lot of people want not take it seriously when other people say that because they feel like where was their help when they needed it? I think that the human nature is usually to feel almost jealous that someone else is asking for help or sympathy and they want to get better but you have to talk back to that voice and say maybe this is an opportunity for me to finally, be honest about how I might have been feeling the whole time. Because at some point you have to break the cycle.

Though you’ve said how you can’t underestimate how ignorant people can be, there’s a section of the book where you talk about how you uploaded your video, “Basically, I’m gay,” and braced for negativity. But that you were surprised by all the positive responses. So, what’s the most recent instance you can think of where you were pleasantly surprised by humanity?

Something that anyone that has to admit something, they’re going through and has in common, whether that’s something that’s come out as gay or someone just admitting that they’re just really stressed or feeling very anxious, is feeling like they have to constantly explain themselves. This is just an example of how you can be afraid of what people will say but when you’re really just honest about something that you’re going through, people usually relate to it on a day-to-day level. Whenever I talk to someone about mental health or sexuality, who may think its weird at first but as I describe my thoughts and feelings, they may relate to it even if they aren’t going through exact same thing as you. For me, a year after coming out and I still have that conversation on a daily basis. As a teenager, I had that deathly fear, that I couldn’t tell anyone because it would be terrible, but now I realize that actually most people are just scared. They aren’t inherently hateful; they’re just putting up that wall because they think that being vulnerable leaves them for attack. But actually, if we’re all vulnerable we’d be a lot happier.

Speaking of vulnerability, you touch upon your upbringing in the book and how it sort of taught you to keep a stiff upper lip. When did you start learn to be vulnerable and what was the biggest challenge with that?

Being a young British man, going to an all-boys school or the comedians that I looked up to on TV – everyone was so cynical. It was about trying to be as like edgy as possible and like act tough, and not show this vulnerability in case it’s seen as weakness. I think that I carried this perception all the way into my mid-20s, it seeped into every part of my personality. A lot of the stuff that I made, when I was younger, had this cynical edge to it and it was only when I started to get more followers from around the world that I began people started questioning that cynicism. At first, I’d go “this is British humour,” but a few years later, I just started to reflect about the way I was about myself and realized it was a bit more than a joke have, I actually started to let this self-hatred and the lack of empathy towards how I feel sort of eat me up. I think because only because of the people who have followed me over the years, giving me a reflection of who I am through how they’ve perceived me that I’ve been able to break free of my default programming.

About your sense of humour and how you kind of make sense of how you’re feeling through jokes, have you ever felt misunderstood -particularly given the cultural differences of your audiences you just mentioned – like you’re trying to make light of something that a lot of people suffer from?

Yeah, there’s a weird line and there’s lots of conversations these days about what you’re allowed to joke about. What the difference between talking about something, being comfortable with it and almost glamorizing it. But I think if the biggest problem with mental health globally is people don’t even want to admit that they’re wrong. And that they don’t even know that they were wrong. A bunch of people joking about how depressed they feel could be a good thing because they have at least taken the first step. So, I think it’s good that people can joke about things in a way that breaks the ice as long as they all know, in the same way that my book might make them feel very personally attacked that just behind that joke that you put up to protect yourself, there is something that you should work on. Even if it’s painful, that it will make you happier.

You mention celebrating small wins in the book. What win are you celebrating today?

I have just moved house and I have a toilet that doesn’t flush yet. But I managed to stick a coat hanger, inside the toilet and to make it flush. I just got my own toilet to flush, and for me, that’s such a miracle. It was a perfect example of how we take so many things for granted in life, whether it’s something huge to do with your health, the state of the world, your privilege. But I now have a flushing toilet and everything else felt easy. I can handle it because I got some perspective.

You also touch on the importance of inner circles in the book. , When was the last time, you personally reached out to bring someone into your inner circle and do you remember how you did it?

I am so awkward and awful at making friends and it’s something that usually, I’ll have one of those breakdowns where I go, “I have no friends.” The next day, I’ll wake up and DM people, out of every three people I DM two-point-nine will just ignore me and I will be very embarrassed. But then one of them will say “ yes, in two and a half weeks, we will go get a pizza.” And you only have to succeed a couple times ever to make friends that you hopefully will see more than once. I know from experience, it can be embarrassing, painful and not fun to try and reach out to new people but you just start adding one person, every two years until you have a friend group.

While working on this book, I know you consulted with a psychologist for it, aside from your lived experiences. What did you learn about mental health while looking at it from an outside, expert perspective?

I think one of the biggest revelations for me while writing this book is realizing how much of it isn’t a logical thought in our head. So much of mental health is controlled by our body, and the physical things that we experience. It’s about just how we breathe, how much light, and fresh air. And the problem is in our modern world, our brains are looking at everything as a threat. As soon as you realize actually, humans are not as complicated and mysterious as we think, we’re just little animals trying not to get murdered. It was freeing to know because that meant we aren’t born with this magically broken consciousness, that’s just doomed. It definitely made me look at mental health for what it is rather than the mysterious fog of pain that I thought it was for the last 10 years that I had absolutely no control over.

You’ve said that you’re obviously not done with your mental health journey, but where are you on that journey at this moment in time?

I’m doing a lot better than I was simply because I can understand what I feel, and why, and that it’s normal now. And I honestly feel like that’s 90% of it. Most people don’t ever question their lives. If they spend too much time, feeling overwhelming you stressed or if they worry too much and they’re just not enjoying life day-to-day. But just knowing that there’s something you can do about, it gives me enough hope. From writing the book, I know everything I can do to get better.

Finally, what’s one question no one has asked you so far that you wish you were asked?

I think it’s just how do I convince the other people in my life to take mental health seriously? I realized from writing this book and now, talking about it that the biggest problem I have is that most people simply do not think the conversation about mental health, or mental health, applies to them because they’re fine. So many people think mental health is only something for people that have crippling depression or serious anxiety disorder, but it’s just how all of us, think and feel all the time. If you have bad self-esteem, if you worry about everything, if you have a way of looking at the world that’s really negative and you expect the worst, then you might not need to immediately have an intervention with a psychotherapist, but you need to understand your mental health. Even if you read this book and say you are totally fine, then you still need to know this stuff so you can understand why you are fine. There will be a point in life where you need to make yourself feel better and mental health isn’t about waiting until you snap, and then picking up the pieces and going on medication. It should be about knowing how to keep yourself healthy and happy so that you don’t have a breakdown. Everyone has mental health, and that’s the thing that I wish I could just shove into everyone’s faces.

#daniel howell #danisnotonfire #dan #phan #mine #interview

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subjecta5newtella · 3 years

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thoughts on newtmas :) go on :) i’m listening :)

sami rly said ok time for violence. this is going to be so long sorry everyone.

if we’re talking newtmas itself as a ship in itself, outside of any other influence (and specifically in the movie version, which is generally what people are talking about), I think it’s a good ship. I would have to be the most unobservant motherfucker alive to not see what people see in it, and I am not, in fact, the most unobservant motherfucker alive. it’s a good dynamic with good chemistry and realistically I think if I’d started with the movies rather than the books, I would’ve gone all in for it.

however. I personally am incapable about talking about it in isolation.

I realize from that segue it sounds like I’m about to lead into some grand moral point, but mostly I just liked how dramatic it sounded. anyway. I feel like I need to start with a disclaimer that the easiest, simplest part of this is that you tend to get attached to your first ships in a fandom, as well as your initial feelings about the characters. obviously you can change your mind about any of those things, but it does stick with you. if we’re going to be kind and skip my internalized homophobia era (please be kind), I shipped thominho and nalby because that’s what was big at the time. I also just... did not like book thomas very much, so I wasn’t about to ship him with my favorite character.

(complete and utter tangent: it’s interesting to me that people read the books now and overwhelmingly see newtmas. I recognize that every time I start a sentence with “it’s interesting that” it automatically sounds shady, but i genuinely just love Analyzing. anyway some of it’s definitely people seeing the movie first or having fandom content as a first exposure even in passing, all of which are valid ways to engage, but I do kind of find it fascinating when people talk about book!newtmas as some massive presence because then... theoretically we all should’ve seen it pre-movies? the ship existed, usually among people who hardcore multishipped, but it wasn’t anything like it is today. not at all to say that reading it like that is invalid, it’s just interesting to me the way some people talk about that interpretation, rather than the interpretation itself)

anyway. with that all out of the way, i do have some actual issues with newtmas, although it really doesn’t have anything to do with the characters or the ship itself. these are things that surround the ship and affect my feelings about it, meaning that I never bought in despite, like I said, Seeing It. my main issue with it is how much the roles of other characters have been reduced to create the ship in its current form. I’ve talked at far too much length about the way minho was adapted and honestly will probably talk about it more, because that’s the big one to me (that post can be found here, for those who don’t keep up with every rant I’ve ever gone on for some reason). I will not go so far as to say that’s required reading to fully understand this post, but I would recommend it since I don’t want to just repeat myself. so much of newtmas being the major ship feels like it’s predicated on minho not being there and not having anywhere near as strong a relationship with thomas and newt as he did in the books, and that will never sit right with me.

newt’s relationship with alby is his other most significant dynamic outside thomas and minho, and i feel like it might be surprising to hear me say this, but i get why that one was reduced for the movie. there’s only so much time in the film, so you want to focus on the characters who are going to make it past the first one. I do have a problem here, but it has more to do with dashner and with some fandom bullshit. with dashner, i think the crank palace is the worst of it (I could’ve just stopped that sentence at “I think the crank palace is the worst” but whatever). since all my rants lead back to each other, I’ll link the relevant one here, but the general gist is that my biggest problem was that newt does not seem to have any more of a post-swipe past than thomas does despite theoretically having two more years of memories. given that fact, I don’t know about you, but I would kind of expect alby to be more of a presence in his consciousness. that’s true of pretty much any of the original gladers, but newt and alby are clearly very close in the first book, and again, alby saved his fucking life. he’s literally mentioned once. dashner prioritized the newt/thomas dynamic so much that newt seemingly had no meaningful relationships with anyone else. tcp isn’t immune to treating minho badly either; like I said in that post, it sounds like newt read the wikipedia page on minho. is any of this the fault of the ship itself? does this change anything that came before it? no, but the whole thing feels massively disingenuous, and also kind of disrespectful to people who actually, like, gave a shit about the other characters. also, the way he’s retconning makes me real nervous.

the other part, like I mentioned, is the fandom more than any of the actual content. I’m aware that part of this is just a statistics game and also that’s it’s not representative of all newtmas shippers, but most of the alby bashing I’ve seen comes from newtmas people. it’s... baffling to me, honestly. what’s the point in putting down a ship being kept alive by me and like 3 other people? what do you gain by misrepresenting a character to the point of maliciousness when you could easily just not engage with them? again, I know it’s not everyone and it doesn’t have anything to do with the ship, but I’d be lying if I said things like this don’t color my perception. if someone goes out of their way to put down a ship I like, I’m not really gonna want to associate myself with their ship. I’m gonna cling to my own harder out of spite, actually.

also.... okay. so I peaced out to go do other shit between earlyish 2015 and mid 2019. and it was very weird to temporarily leave the fandom while the two main (in my recollection at least, which could be biased by who i was friends with) mlm ships each included one of the explicitly non-white characters, and come back to find it almost entirely dominated by white boy/white boy... like. I don’t wanna make a statement as simple as “the fandom is racist” because a) it’s not my place to say that, b) if we want to go into that, there are other examples of fandom racism where it’s Blatant and there really is no excuse, whereas this is a bit more complicated imo because c) like. that’s the dynamic the movies gave us. the movies focused very heavily on the newt and thomas dynamic, so of course that’s what the fandom is going to focus on. there’s a lot to say there, but that’s a different issue. it does.... still contribute to the bad taste in my mouth, though, and also contributes to me feeling like I need to keep those ships alive. it’s not about who has the Most Progressive Ship, I just feel weird about the particular shift I’ve seen here.

on a note that sounds less like I’m leveling accusations, New Relationships just aren’t my vibe. you look at my ao3 and it’s like. friends of many years to lovers. established relationship. friends to lovers to exes and back again. just from a dynamics perspective, there are other ships that are more interesting for me to explore. there. this is a lighter reason.

idk overall I don’t wanna sound like I’m on some Moral Crusade here, even though i know some of my points made it sound like that. this is really just me putting all of my thoughts that I can currently round up in one place in order to... idk, explain myself? and like it’s stupid that i feel the need to explain myself, but I know it’s weird not to ship it at this point, and I know if I did I would have so much more content to choose from and a much wider audience for my own content. there’s just baggage there thats entirely separate from the ship itself, having seen the shift and knowing what had to change in order to center newtmas. I’m not trying to sound like I’m better than anyone; I just think maybe I have a different perspective on things having been here for long enough to qualify it as a new mental illness, and that’s ultimately why I feel the way I do.

#and honestly maybe all of that is bullshit and I’m just a contrarian asshole at heart. who’s to say. not me.#why did I write so much about this. they’re literally fake people who gives a fuck #ask game

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deliquescentnightmare · 3 years

Text

Character Introduction

Hello! my first little character sheet so you all can meet Delila, the main protagonist of my still untitled story. Most- if not all- of my characters are blatant self-inserts, and Delila is no exception. I identify as GF so she's kind of the embodiment of my very fem moments, and my soft cottagecore side. Anyways, here's all you need to know about her! I'll post newer versions of her character sheet later on as certain events happen in the story so I don't give you guys spoilers.

Name: Delila Amelie Lestrade

Age: 24

Hometown: Born in Atlanta GA, moved around a lot as a child.

Occupation: Forensic Psychologist. FBI agent.

Sexuality: Asexual, questioning.

Talents/Skills: Writing. Playing Uke. Can't cook at all. Great skill of falling down or bumping into things. Hands are steady in times of crisis and is very levelheaded.

Siblings (describe relationship): Theodore 'Theo' Grayson Markham. 35, older half brother. Second son of Alana Markham(nee Ramses) and Fredrick Markham. Lives in NY. Jameson Albert Markham, 36, oldest half brother, and firstborn son of Alana Markham and Frederick Markham. Lives in rural North Carolina with his wife and kids. Gwendolyn 'Gwen' Beatrice Markham (deceased). Born 1980, died at 26) Killed in a car accident in St Louis in 2006. Very close to Delila and Jameson. Entire family mourned after she passed, and Alana became very different emotionally.

Mother (describe relationship): Alana Elizabeth Markham (nee Ramses). 54, lives in Ojai, California with Frederick Markham. They talk intermittently, but Alana isn't very responsible and Delila refuses to interact with her too much because it's emotionally draining. Alana refuses to acknowledge Gwen even existed.

Father (describe relationship): Gregory 'Greg' Lestrade. 49. Their relationship is close, and Greg would often visit Delila, or fly her out to see him during school holidays when she was a child. They call often (when he actually picks up or calls her back) and email back and forth. She loves him more than life itself even if he often forgets to call her because he's busy.

Significant Others (describe relationship): Struggles to remain relationships due to lack of intimacy, but had a long-term relationship for 2 years that recently ended for undisclosed reasons.

Pets: none yet. had a childhood snake named Jonathan.

Friends: Li Huang (will be introduced in the next chapter or the one after), John Watson, Molly Hooper, Sherlock Holmes (tentative), Theo, Mycroft Holmes(eventually).

Height: 5'2" or 157.5 cm

Weight: 135 lbs. or about 61 kg

Race: Caucasian, British-American

Eye Color: Blue in Original Fictions. In this AU, however her right one is Purple. her left is Pink. (I like pink and purple very much)

Hair Color: Naturally brown, dyed pastel orange.

Distinguishing features: Constantly has scrapes and bruises, often topped off with band-aids on her fingers and cheeks. Her wild orange hair and round gold-rimmed glasses. (they're bigger than Harry Potter's, before you ask). She wears a black pea-coat often, and it's worn from years of use. (it was her sister's)

How does he/she dress? Black pea-coat when it's colder. Likes to wear slightly-too-large clothing. Often wears stolen shirts, sweaters and button ups. Flowy, flowery dresses and skirts and occasionally ripped jeans. She did go through an Emo phase and dyed her hair white in her late teens/early 20's, and has some clothing left over from that phase that she occasionally wears.

Hobbies: Writing romance fiction and crime. Reading, often James Patterson or fantasy. Playing ukulele, and singing. She likes to dance but isn't very good at it, so she often does it when she's alone or it's dark (or both). She likes to go for walks with John in the park, and used to go for walks with Theo.

Greatest flaws: She cares too much too fast, and becomes attached to people within a day or so of meeting them. She can be slightly needy and clingy if she doesn't have a lot of friends, because she thrives off of physical affection. She's very stubborn, and will do things even when she's been given explicit instruction not to because she thinks she may know a better way. (sometimes she does, but other times she just is too strong headed to stop). She can either be unabashedly arrogant or filled with crippling self-doubt dependent on the situation as she's experienced a lot of respect and praise for her intellect. She also puts a lot of pressure on herself to succeed and it can lead to devastating burnouts.

Best qualities: Very loving and openhearted. She will put others' needs above her own nearly every time. She will make sure her friends and those she cares about are taken care of, and are taking good care of themselves. She is extremely intelligent and knows an array of weird and sometimes useful facts, and has a large span of knowledge thanks to her time at uni. She also has a way of making friends wherever she goes, which leads to a large web of connections and sources whenever she needs them.

Introvert or Extrovert? Ambivert, it's dependent on the situation. For example, if she's forced to be in isolation then she's going to be more extroverted when she's around people again. She enjoys talking to people, but after a certain amount, she can become worn out and need alone time. I think it would be good to note she is much more socially adept than Sherlock, though he is better at other things socially. (she has Asperger's and therefore he picks up on certain cues or details she may miss)

How does the character deal with anger? Delila can either run hot or run cold in terms of temperament. When she runs hot, she is often so overcome with emotion that she 'loses' words, struggles to speak and gets really flustered. (not in a good way) she never really says anything unkind when she's like this but she will be very dismissive and tell people to leave her alone. She is prone to shouting or crying to voice her frustrations and get out her emotions. The best way to calm her down is to let her rant about it, and she often calls Theo- who lets her rant. When she runs cold, she is eerily calm. She becomes sharp-tongued, cold and calculating. She will destroy whoever has angered her in this way and feel no shame. Sometimes she will spend days like this, and will be snippy and distant to anyone who tries to talk to her. She is vengeful and fully of unabashedly cruel remarks. It takes a lot or something particularly bad to get her this way.

With sadness? Delila tends to cry when she's sad, and is most comforted by physical affection. She listens to sad music, curls up under a blanket, and will write, whether it be in a journal or creatively. She will occasionally vent, but usually keeps it to herself as to not burden people around her with her issues or emotions.

With conflict? Delila can be rather argumentative and stubborn, but if she cares about the person she will do her best to listen to their side of the argument or disagreement, even if she feels as though they are wrong. When it comes to other peoples' conflicts, she will try and take the side she feels is most correct, or try and be an unbiased judge. She will defend her friends if there is a conflict in which they are being attacked in some way.

With change? Delila isn't a big fan of change but she will try her best to adapt and overcome by setting goals and new routines.

With loss? Delila will self-isolate. She will spend a lot of time re-consuming media that reminds her of what she has lost, and will go through a period of denial. Eventually, though she will come to honour the memory and move on.

What does the character want out of life? Fulfillment. Delila has spent a lot of her short life searching for something she is truly passionate about, but once she finds things that make her happy she becomes hesitant to follow them. She longs for fulfillment in ways other than reproducing and relationships, but one day she wouldn't mind having a family.

What would the character like to change in his/her life? Delila wishes she'd spent less time worried about how her mother perceived her and hoe those around her viewed her and her achievements. She is quite successful now and has learnt better but she wishes she hadn't let her doubts hinder her in the past.

What motivates this character? Delila doesn't excel because she longs for success, but because she fears failure. She refuses to be a burden, and will be independent almost to a fault.

What frightens this character? Delila is terrified of her family being hurt in any way, or losing someone she loves again. She also despises spiders and rejection.

What makes this character happy? Music. Her family, her friends. The rain. Tea. she loves to dance, but she only does it when she's alone.

Is the character judgmental of others? Delila's job required her to profile people, and because of that it has become her nature to psychoanalyse or even try to make assumptions about people from the get-go. She will often alter this perception of people later on depending on how she sees them interact with their environment, and people around them.

Is the character generous or stingy? She can be overly generous when it comes to those she loves, but also hesitant to share other things. It all depends on the item or person's emotional and sentimental value to her.

Is the character generally polite or rude? Unless given good reason to be rude, Delila is generally kind.

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becca-e-barnes · 3 years

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can i just rant? bc ur the only person on this app that i feel comfort and trust in. it’s about different stuff so if it’s a lot just don’t even reply.

this is only my 2nd week at my job and i feel like everyone hates me. i feel like everywhere i go, no matter the situation, no matter how long someone has known me, they hate me. i feel like i mess everything up and i’m the most unlikeable person in the world and that i deserve every bad thing in this world. idk what it is about me. i care so much about what everyone thinks of me to the point that knowing ONE person doesn’t like me, i obsess over it and try to pinpoint what it is exactly about me that i need to fix. every. single. time. and this is my first job ever and everyone there already gives me the stank eye. idk what i do to always end up in the same situation.

all through middle school and most of high school i was in a group of girls and yes they were the ‘mean girl’ cliche clique. i was the only nice one in there. they bullied the shit out of me for so many years amongst other toxic, manipulative shit that i’m not even gonna get into and so at the end of my junior year i basically cut everyone off and ended up alone which was so good bc they were… bullies doesn’t even cover it. they made my life a living hell. but my mom said it was bc i have such a big heart.

and i’m saying this bc my point is that i go out of my way to be the nicest person in every room i walk into. i’m nice to people i would otherwise want to rip their face off. i smile at them and answer their questions whatever. i try to be kind and considerate and always think that if someone is mean or a bully is bc they might be having a rough day or maybe something is happening at home. but i try to always be mindful and loving and protective over people i care about and nice to anyone i don’t care about. but ALWAYS people are so mean and always end up giving me death glares all the time. idk what i do? i’ve cried myself to sleep for so many years bc of it. i still do. it’s happening outside of school at my first job? i’m the only common denominator, i can’t blame anyone but myself, right? i mean there’s no way the same things keep happening in a loop and it’s everyone else’s fault but mine? am i TOO nice? is it bc i’m a rule follower? i’d like to think it’s not bc of my weight or my lack of physical beauty? but NOBODY ever gives me any reasons so i’m left alone with only my suicidal depressive anxious thoughts. what is so bad about being kind? everyone in the world hates me. i wish i knew how to fix it.

any thoughts?

Honey, I really don’t think that people hate you!! You’re not a bad person! Especially if you only ever try to be nice to people!

I really can’t imagine that it’s a problem with you, you maybe just find yourself in the wrong circles or the fact you’re so kind maybe attracts a certain type of person?

Because that’s one thing I’m always super conscious of, I’ll be the nicest person I can be 110% of the time and I’ll do anything to help people but no one will ever get the chance to use that against me. I won’t let people walk over the top of me and I think there’s a perception that “niceness” needs to be synonymous with self sacrifice? And I’d advise that definitely isn’t the case! You should have a limit of how much shit you’re willing to tolerate and once someone passes that limit, it might be time to think about cutting them off for your own sake!

I know that’s easy for me to say, but it’s something my 20’s have really taught me! I won’t compromise my peace for people who wouldn’t do the same for me.

And also, I think you’re maybe just in a difficult situation with your job because you’re so new! I know in my second job, when we get new people in there’s almost this weird kind of tension for a month or two until that person gets settled so that might be why you’re feeling things are slightly weird? I think that’s especially true if the place has a high staff turnover. People don’t really like to get too attached to the newbies in case they don’t stick it out so that might be something else to consider?

And as well, you mentioned that you try to “fix” yourself to make people like you and baby, you could be the sweetest person in the entire world and you’ll still never be liked by every single person! If people don’t like you and you’ve done nothing but be nice to them, fuck them! I know there are people out there who don’t like me for one reason or another and I absolutely refuse to lose sleep over it!

And sweetheart, you don’t have a “lack of physical beauty” either, that’s for damn sure. I hate to see anyone thinking about their body like that because you’re capable of so much and I bet you really are beautiful, no matter whether you believe it or not!

#asks answered <3 #anon #1/2 #tw: suicide mention #tw: anxiety #tw: depression mention #tw: bullying #I hope I covered everything #I’m gonna make every last one of you learn to love yourselves 😠#big sister becca

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linkspooky · 4 years

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Ten Favorite Female Characters

I was tagged by @midnight-in-town, so now I have to show them how much I love my favorite women.

Name your favorite female characters from 10 different Fandoms and tag 10/or the amount you wish people

Tagging: @hamliet @amonmahboi @inumaqi @thyandrawrites @kaibutsushidousha @harostar.. yeah, I don’t know ten people.

Enoshima Junko

“Hope is harmony. A just heart, moving toward the light. That is all. Despair is hope's polar opposite. It is messy and confusing. It swallows up love, hatred, and everything else.”

Junko wishes she was a psychopath. She’s spent her entire life pretending to be a crazy psychopath, because living that life is just so much more interesting than the one she’s stuck in. Enoshima Junko is just too smart for the world, and everything is too easy for her, and rather than try to dumb herself down a little bit she’s decided to knock everything else down. She’s a girl kicking down sandcastles because building them out of sand all alone is no longer doing it for her.

Junko’s interesting because of the weird logic and loops she runs her brain into. There’s a complex character behind the whole “I exist only to spread despair” thing. She’s perfectly capable of forming emotional attachments to people, and genuinely caring. But the people she likes are generally far worse off than the ones she doesn’t care about.

Junko wants so badly to, just not be human. She does the most inhuman things possible to prove that she’s not human. What really made me love her is the lengths she’s willing to go, to the point in Dangan Ronpa Zero where she basically took a screw to her own brain and started acting like a normal girl only when all of her memories were removed.

Junkos relationship with Matsuda shows two conflicting sides of her character. How much she's humanized by her love of him, and also how much she wants to completely destroy that part of herself. It's like she physically can't be a normal girl. Or rather she doesn’t want to be to such extremes she’ll break everything and then herself.

And if she can’t be normal than Junko decided that self destruction is her next best bet. There’s just nothing that will satisfy Junko, and it’s interesting to watch someone that empty decide the world is going to end, or she’s going to end herself and she doesn’t really care which.

Ajimu Najimi

“Call to me with affection, Anshin’in-san. Well, I don’t really care what manga characters call me.”

Hey, I put Junko on this list twice. Both Ajimu and Junko live in a world that is too easy for them, and therefore they have no reason to get emotionally invested in others or try to attach themselves to anything. Which is why it’s fun to see Ajimu attempt the same thing as Junko to kill herself in style and eventually get saved from herself.

Medaka Box is such a meaningful manga to me because they take the weirdest characters and no matter how deranged they are they find the parts of them that are relatable and go, well guess what you’re human too. Ajimu literally calls herself a non-human and she’s just as human as all the rest in the end.

The best part is it’s not her good points that make her human, it’s all her flaws. It’s easy to feel like the world isn’t real, that nothing in the world is worth living for, to feel no emotional attachment. Those are all human emotions. Not because they’re good and shining, but because they’re petty and terrible. Ajimu is this brilliant character, but she’s also kind of just a petty little girl using a ‘fiction is reality’ lens to cope. She’s not that special actually, she’s just suicidal, and kind of awful in general. It’s nice to see that human side behind the mastermind character.

Azula

“My own mother thought I was a monster. She was right of course but it still hurts.”

Azula is someone thoroughly dehumanized by everyone even the “good” members of her family (Uncle Iroh, Zuko, her Mother). I like how Azula in some part seems to be aware that both her brother, and mother seem to kind of consider her the “bad sibling” and she just decides to embrace it. Like it’s... not emotionally healthy in any way and it’s terribly tragic but there’s something about characters who actively make the decision to be a monster that gets me.

There’s something about Azula’s writing that makes me uncomfortable, and it makes me sad that Zuko like... continually associates her with his father’s abuse, and demonizes her like she wasn’t also a kid going through the exact same situation, but Azula getting increasingly unstable is at least an appropriate response to that.

Even if her brother, her mother, or her father won’t see her as her own person and they all see her as an extension of her father’s abuse on her, Azula is just so determined to be her own person even if it means burning the world, or herself A common theme I guess, but a lot of these characters have narratives about not being allowed to be their own person or shown any kind of humanity or normalcy.

Morrigan

“Well, well, well what do we have here?”

Morrigan is mean, and nasty, and grumpy and bitchy and witchy. She’s allowed to be unlikable, because Morrigan never bends to anyone. Her survival, and freedom will become first before anything else.

It feels like Morrigan is the main character in her own story, and you just happen to be a part of it for a short while. You may even be an important character to her, she may be attached, but ultimately you’ll never be more than support to her.

Morrigan is such an ambitious an singular entity that her character development is letting you be a part of her life and not the other way around. She'll always survive on her own. Morrigan is irrevocably shaped by her environemnt, and yet she craves freedom in that too because she doesn’t want to be bound by her past or shaped by her mother. So much of herself is dedicated to being better than the environment that she was raised in that she defeats her mother not by killing her, or freeing herself, but rather by being a better mother than her.

Raven / Rachel Roth

“Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos...”

Raven is fun, because a bunch of monks thought the best way to teach her to handle her emotions was to never allow her to feel any emotion ever. So, Raven is eternally running on a zero. She’s terrified even a small amount of happiness will end the world. She’s not allowed to be her own person, neither her bastard father, nor the monks treat her like one.

Raven is so gentle, and selfless, and emotionally perceptive and sensitive to others needs but she can’t ever display almost any of these good traits because she’s internalized the idea that she’s such a bad person. She always believes all the time that she exists to hurt others and that makes it so difficult for her to connect to others.

Which is why her true friends bond with the Teen Titans is so meaningful, because Rachel found a family in spite of all of that. She has friends who think she’s a good person unconditionally despite the fact that Raven continually tells herself she isn’t. There are people in the world willing to navigate the maze of walls that Raven has built around herself, and that her environment forced her to build and closed up, and she’s so happy to have them.

Midna

“Some call our realm a world of shadows, but that makes it sound so unpleasant... The twilight there holds a serene beauty... You have seen it yourself as the sun sets on this world. Bathed in that light, all the people were pure and gentle...”

Midna just steals the show. Her story now. The game’s not called Legend of Zelda anymore now it’s Legend of Midna. Not only is she the most important character in the game she appears in, but she’s also in character someone so selfish she’ll always prioritize herself over everyone else. However, only because she feels that she can’t exist as anything other than the princess of the twilight and has to prioritize her survival for the sake of her people. Midna even says so at the start of the game, she can’t be kind because she wasn’t spoiled like princess Zelda in the bountiful kingdom of the light.

Midna is so selfish and yet doesn’t really have her own wants and needs as a person outside of the role she has to play for her people, which is why she’s so terribly lost without it and just because this terrible selfish little gremlin. Link and Zelda affect Midna so much because they humanize her. They both sacrifice themselves to save Midna the person and she doesn’t get why. She doesn’t get why two people would help someone who has been so unkind to them and who has failed them this much so far.

That act of selflessness moves her, and also freaks her out. She even says she didn’t want to be saved by either of them. Which is what makes her redemption in the second half of the game so interesting, because Midna really improves herself so she can become someone worth their kindness. She doesn’t want the selflessness of people like Zelda and Link to go to waste, and because of that begins to care about things outside of her kingdom and her role as princess

Vriska Serket

“After all of this is over. Do you want to go on a d8?”

Unfortunately one of my top 3 favorite characters of all time comes from a really terrible source material. Vriska is everything I like in a character. She's a mess. She's really hard to swallow. She's a character that's not meant to be liked.

Nobody really likes Vriska and it's all her fault for being such a horrible person, nobody wants her damage. Which is so interesting because usually main characters get forgiven over and over again. Everyone leaves and if they don't Vriska will burn those bridges herself. No character better embodies what it's like to be stuck in a self harming cycle

Authors are always so obsessed with making characters look good or showing what a good person they are few characters are allowed to be just plain unlikely in ugly ways. It’s what lets Vriskas genuine desire to be better actually seem like a struggle.

Kocho Shinobu

“Are you angry? Yes, I’m angry Tanjiro. I’ve always been angry.”

Shinobu is just all pleasantries on the surface, but so full of negative emotions in ways women aren't allowed to be. I love the medicine / poison dynamic to her character and how it rots her to the core. Too much medicine is a poison, while poison can be a medicine when applied to the right situation.

Shinobu is, two faced. She’s beautiful and kind, and full of ugly emotions and empty. She nurses people back from the dead, she sees no point in living herself and purposefully throws herself into a suicide in her plan against Doma. There’s just such a destructive dance between extremes for her because Shinobu is such a unique individual, trying to deal with all of these emotions she just can’t deal with. She can’t be noble, or better than her trauma, she just pretends to be a good person while she slowly rots away inside.

Shinobu can put on smiles all day -

But she can't be like her sister. She can't love people like her sister can. Maybe she could once but all that's left now is anger. Bitter, unpleasant, and completely in denial of it and still masquerading as a good person. The most beautiful kind of poison of all.

She’s not her sister, but she’s also not really her own person. She doesn’t know who Shinobu is, doesn’t know who Kocho Shinobu lives for. She just doesn’t imagine herself living past her revenge, and even though she’s surrounded by love she’s just so cracked it all pours out of her and absolutely nothing could be worth prolonging her life after everything she’s lost.

Toga Himiko

“What exactly is a normal life? I also live a normal life, you know.”

Himiko Toga is a girl who lives entirely on her own terms. Which is just so rare for a female character, you know? It’s so genuinely subversive to know that Himiko was once a nice girl, who always smiled, always put other people’s feelings first, and that sort of ‘good girl’ behavior drove her completely insane.

Toga deciding to be true to herself is an act of rebellion against the world.

For Himiko everything is flipped. What others regard as psycho behavior is her normal. She doesn’t let other people define her story as a tragedy, and even murders the one person who tries to control her story. In a story where female characters constantly downplay their own importance to support the male characters Himiko is the only character important enough to be the center of her own story. Himiko’s story is so subversive as well, both of how society treats her, and how the story treats characters like her.

Himiko is such an excellent yandere, all yanderes wish they were himiko. She comes off as this batshit stabby girl, but then you find out that shes actually emotionally perceptive. She first comes off selfish, bratty, and self-centered but she turns into one of the most sensitive characters in the manga. She eschews the ideals of being a good girl that was forced down her throat, but that doesn’t mean she’s not empathic, or that she’s not capable of goodness. She’s good to twice. She’s good to the people who accept her.

Himiko no matter what will always be a deviant. Always be an outsider. Instead of trying to make room for her her parents forced her to lie and wear a mask until her identity became completely shattered. I like Toga because under the knife wielding psycho she's a normal girl. Then under that normal girl there’s also a knife wielding psycho ready to fight back, and both of them are the real her.

Ihei Hairu

“I saw the reaper, he was very beautiful.”

Every character from the garden is just fundamentally broken. Hairu and Rize are interesting foils, because if you think of about it a loveless childhood turned them both into ruthless killers. It’s just they decided to live for different things, Rize lived rejecting love and Hairu lived chasing after love. However, fundamentally they are the same. They are children starved for any kind of love or nurturing. Hairu is so desperate she devotes her entire life to the first person who acknowledged her. However, the same sort of desperation to live, that tragic need to make the most out of the few short years they have exists in all garden children.

Hairu wants so badly to be a person, but she’s not a person. She’s half ghoul.

There's just something about a girl who was never meant to be born and never meant to live, still trying. There's a dark side to her character, she's violent and inhuman exactly like the environment she was raised in but she was also still a child at heart seeking love.

Which is why though her narrative is a thoroughly unhappy one, it does make me happy that there was someone who loved her in the form of Koori Ui. There is someone who wanted her to live longer. Her life was short, but she did live, and it’s that struggle to connect to others that made her truly alive.

#hairu ihei #ajimu najimi #enoshima junko #toga himiko #kocho shinobu #midna #rachel roth #raven #azula #vriska serket #morrigan #morrigan dragon age #meme #spooky speaks

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instrawberrymoonlight · 4 years

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10 Things I Love About You

Every time I watch that scene where they call you a freak I get so angry. I know it’s cliché to say they hate what they don’t understand but I firmly believe it in this case; they only superficially put up with you because you show them a way “out” to all their problems and it’s completely despicable. Self preservation prevails, I guess, at least to them and it’s insufferable and deeply saddening.

Everything about you is brilliant and I’d never truly be able to describe the way I feel about you ever, because language is so restrictive, but at the very least I can mean the things I say. And, I do. In every sense of the word. So, just because I’m a lovesick puppy and I’ve never truly been able to convey a fraction of the feelings I have for you, I’m writing this: 10 Things I Love About You. (Yeah I know it’s a very creative list name, thank you).

One

Your smile, as silly and swoony as it sounds, captivates me. It’s contagious and lights up my world. You’re the star of the show in my universe and I could stare at your dimples and the way your eyes crease up when you smile – when you genuinely smile – forever. It’s a sight to behold and on the rare occasion it slips and I’ve been blessed with the chance of seeing it, it stays with me. It’s almost like my own precious little secret that I get to cherish and recall until the end of my days. (Also sometimes your nose scrunches when you smile and unfortunately I could only talk about 10 things so I couldn’t insert a whole paragraph on how amazing and cute your nose is so I’m putting a short except here – PLEASE LET ME KISS IT PLEASE PLEASE AAAAAAAAAA.

Two

Your eyes. There’s an intensity to them and while their darkness has struck fear in the hearts of many, it has only won mine. They’re a beautiful, unique shade – never to be replicated in another, and are distinctly you. They’re also incredibly emotive, I can always tell when you’re thinking hard about something and I can always tell, even if it’s for a split second, when something has bothered you. They’re just so diaphanous. And that’s not to say you’re easy to read but rather the insight into your soul is through your eyes; there’s also a warmth to them as well. A heat. While your touch can be cold, and I usually identify you by your chilling presence, your eyes capture the fire within; It embodies you. When the flame is fuelled by passion (gasoline for humans) it epitomises your unfettered wildness and your freedom. And when calm, it provides this sense of shelter to the people who love you and consider you family; your eyes reflect that blanket of warmth. That hidden side you only show to those close enough. Both are dazzling and I’m so glad to have met you – and to be able to interact with you.

Three

Your scars. As superficial as it sounds, I find them gorgeous. I want to kiss them softly and treat them so gently. To tell you the truth, and to let you in on a little secret, I get really defensive over them. I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m fetishising them in any way but I’d love to see you without your makeup more often. I don’t want this to come across as pushy or anything, I promise this is only if you’re comfortable I would never want to put you in an uncomfortable position. I just want you to know that what I feel for you isn’t shallow and it isn’t based on the symbol you’ve built yourself as. It isn’t because you wear make-up and you hide yourself; my love isn’t conditional. I’ve fallen in love with you, the man beneath the make-up, Alexander Harper, for nothing more than the reason that you’re amazing. Sorry, I’m kinda focusing on this point so much because I feel so strongly about them. I feel as though you’ve been wrongly told, for a good chunk of your life, that they’re horrific for whatever reason. I feel as though you’ve gotten weird looks because of them, or like I mentioned earlier, that you’ve been called a freak. The idea of any of these being the case completely riles me up, it’s so fucked up to think about anyone shaming you for them. Personally, I think they’re a bold portrayal of your personal strength (of which I’ll touch on later – spoilers), and a show of your resilience in an all too often fucked up world. They’re beautiful, and they will never not be. If you aren’t proud of them yet, or if there’s a part of you that’s still somewhat ashamed of them, I will personally tell you anytime I can that they’re beautiful to me and are a representation of hope until you take pride in them. Or at least start to believe it. Even then, I’ll never shut up about it. Battle scars, whether metaphorical or literal, are always valid and are a big fuck you to not only mental illness – mostly the voices that try to destroy you from within – but are also a big fuck you to our abusers. It’s saying in big bold writing “hey fuckers, I survived despite all the shit you’ve thrown my way,” and that’s something we victims don’t get to experience enough.

Four

Your ability to unapologetically be yourself. I think this one’s mostly self explanatory. You have this amazing capability to set aside the social dogma and the fear it instils regarding individuality. You know who you are and what you want and it's inspiring, especially since I personally struggle with identity and navigation. Your confidence in your belief system and in a lot of ways, yourself, is something I also look up to and I hope that one day I can reach a point like that too. You probably already know this and if it isn’t overt enough it’s sure as hell implicit – I look up to you so much. You’re one of my idols and maybe that’s daunting or a lot of pressure but as long as you keep being you I assure you there’s nothing you could ever do to deter me or make me feel differently. I’d also like to quickly touch on how accepting you are of mental illness and of your own! None of that matters to you and it creates such a safe space. You’re so incredibly patient with me. I can only hope I’ve been able to create the same feeling reversed! Lastly, I love all your little idiosyncrasies – the way you speak and move your hands, the way you flick your tongue against your scars (which weirdly enough never triggers my misophonia, you’re like the only exception) the way you pronounce things and draw out words, the way you interrupt yourself with hums and ahs and other butterfly inducing noises. It’s so perfectly you and it joys me to no end.

Five

Your strength. I don’t want to get too specific into trauma because this is meant to be uplifting and I just want to stray away from the prospect of triggering you as best as I can so I’ll try my best to keep it short; though, there are some things I want to say–

Holy fucking shit you are strong. You are so so strong. And that’s probably the most vaguest, cliche thing I’ve said yet but I fucking believe it with all my possum heart. Your childhood and the relentless degradation you endured by a parental figure who was meant to protect you, but instead disgustingly treated you like no child ever should be treated was horrific. What he did to you was unspeakable and the way you feel about my abuser hits the nail on the head regarding how I feel about your father. I’m sure you were the sweetest kid when you were younger and none of what happened was any fault of your own. You deserved to have your needs met and deserved to be treated with such love and compassion. You still do. There wasn’t something wrong with you, you didn’t cause your trauma. I know it’s really hard to believe that when you’ve experienced incredible distress and it can really fuck with your perceptions but I’m here to tell you that none of that is true. To put it in perspective, Arthur, Kali and I have experienced similar thought patterns. We’ve all doubted ourselves and believed at one point or another that we’re just awful and that we deserved it but it’s a lie abusers have ingrained in us. I’m not sure if anyone has told you this properly but I just want you to know this, please. I’m kind of going on a whole tangent here but this is so important. I just want the best for you and I want you to want that too. I want you to take care of yourself more, to be more patient with yourself – at the very least for me. You deserve to break out of this vicious cycle trauma imprints on us all.

Further, going to war is arguably one of the most harrowing things a person can experience. I’m really not going to get in on the details here because it’s pretty self-explanatory too. You’re my hero Alexander, you encompass courage and resilience more than anyone can. Despite everything you’ve been though, in the end you’re still fighting in what you believe is right and fighting against oppression. Your spirit cannot be crushed and it’s really touching. My big dumb borderline heart feels so much for it and for you. I love you so completely.

Six

Your humour. You seem to make the darkest situation into the brightest. You’re so quick witted and it never fails to make me laugh. Your secret love for puns, which I feel like you’ll deny because they’re cheesy but it slips a few times in the film, is the most adorable thing I’ve seen. It’s so so so endearing and I’m giggling to myself as I write this.

Seven

Your voice is angelic and it has the power to give me butterflies. Continuing this thought, I always found it funny that no one can replicate it, at least I personally think; people fall short when they try to mimic you and it’s interesting. There’s just something about you that makes you incredibly unique and even when people try, they can never truly be you. Maybe this sounds like a crazy love ramble but you’re special. It’s why you’ve captured the hearts of so many and it’s why I’ve given you mine in full. Speaking of hearts, this leads me to my next point.

Eight

Your heart – you say you don’t have one though your heart is especially brilliant. I’ve seen it, albeit hidden, it’s big and has sustained despite the things you’ve been through. Apart from Kali and Arthur I’ve never had someone care for me as much as you, I’ve never had anyone treat me so gently and I’ve never had anyone validate my experiences the way you have. Despite experiencing all the bullshit judgement people project onto you (evident within the first few minutes of the film) you remain one of the most understanding, non-judgemental and comforting people I know. I have a feeling like you’d disagree with me about all this or try and block out what I’m saying by replying with “im dangerous” but I’m telling you I’ve never felt safer around anyone more than you – particularly in your arms. As someone who has a serious problem with people touching them and getting close to them physically or relationship-wise, I’m telling you Alexander Harper, that I trust you with my life and I feel wholly protected by you. I know you’d never hurt me, you’re terrified of doing so. I’d let my guard down with you any day, and I don’t do that. I want you to know you’re precious to me, every single side of you; every single part of you. You don’t scare me. I know how hard it is to open up and I’m so so so happy you’ve chosen me and the family to trust in. Just know that you don’t have to hide anymore. You can be yourself. And maybe this is pushing it, maybe this is me overstepping, I hope it isn’t but it’s okay to be the young Alexander you never got to be. It’s okay to let go and enjoy things and to do the things you want to do. To open up, to show people you have these feelings. I just want this to come across as a friendly reminder, like a little caress on the cheek because I can understand it all: the hiding, trying to pretend that you have no emotions at all, trying to pretend that you’re okay, self sabotaging relationships and the personal relationship you have with yourself. You don’t have to do this anymore though my love, you don’t have to go through this alone. I want nothing more than to support you and be with you when you’re going through your worst. I love all parts of you, remember?

Nine

Your playful side and your passions (yes I’m sticking two points into one, it’s not cheating, deal with it raccoon boy). Even if it’s small things like crosswords or rubik's cubes, to sliding down money piles and scribbling on newspapers (or um,,,,, taunting police) you have this sweet proclivity for mischief. It’s so endearing and I swear I fall more in love with you as the seconds go by. I love it when you fixate on something and create elaborate plans, it's riveting to watch them unfold – kind of like finishing a puzzle and watching the pieces come together. It’s so satisfying, and knowing you’re the man behind the plan makes it all the more thrilling; but my favourite thing of all is that it’s an insight into your mind (which I’ll also touch on next). On the flip side, you have this staggering ability to think on the spot under pressure, you always know exactly what to do or what to say. It’s awe-inspiring. You’re perfect.

Ten

Your mind, I love the way it works and ticks. If I could spend hours asking you questions and asking your opinions on things I would. I don’t want this to come across like I want to psychoanalyse you and pick your brain in the worst way like some lab experiment. I’m just so interested in the way you view and perceive the world, even with the most mundane things. I just want to hear you talk. Like I said, I look up to you so much and I enjoy spending time with you. I guess you’re not the only one who likes reactions ha h. I’m hilarious.

And finally, in the memorable words of Frankie Valli—

I love you, baby.

(Yes I know that was cheesy, kill me).

#MMM YES #THIS ENOUGH SUGAR FOR YOU #HFDIUHFSDIUFHSUD #priestess to high priest

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siarven · 4 years

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Fluffcember #4 - Ocean

Fluffcember Prompt list! :3

WIP: Hope Beyond Characters: Phaedra, Morgan, Alia POV: Phaedra 2592 words. Rest and Tags below the cut! :3

In which Phaedra, Morgan and Alia force their way through one mile of wild forest to see the sunset over the ocean (which, in Morgan’s and Alia’s case, is seeing the ocean for the first time in general).

"Today", Phaedra promises, smiling to herself. "I think we should make it by sunset, actually." She looks back at Alia in the rear-view mirror, and then at Morgan, sitting next to her. Morgan hasn't been able to take her eyes off the road in what feels like forever. They've driven through fields, quaint little villages, huge, booming towns, majestic forests of all kinds, even through the mountains. Phaedra can’t fault her, and she also can’t suppress the small, soft smile that makes its way stubbornly onto her lips every time she doesn’t pay attention.

And now, today, they will reach the ocean.

The best roadb trip of all time... not that Phaedra would know, of course. She's only been on one, this far, and that was after she'd finished school, with her then-friends.

Funny, how time is both faster and slower than expected...

"Today!!!", Alia echoes her, her voice brimming with happiness and excitement, “today we will reach the ocean!"

Also funny how the perception of a person changes, the more time you spend around them. She doesn't even seem strange to me anymore, Phaedra thinks to herself, and that thought makes her happy, in a gentle, motherly way. After all, if this is how she feels, others must, too?

"Today", Morgan whispers, and finally turns away from the window. Her eyes are wide open, brimming with...something. Something Phaedra can't really put her finger on, but it makes the small smile disappear.

"My parents wanted to take me to see it, before..." Morgan's voice dwindles away, and then she's quiet again, turning back to her window.

Phaedra doesn't like this quiet one bit.

"No", she says. "Screw that. Morgan? Look at me. That's in the past, and we don't care about the past. It's gone, alright? The past doesn't matter anymore, because we've got to look forward! Take a deep breath. The future is what matters, and what you do with it. And we're going to see the ocean today, at sunset, and it's going to be glorious." It better be.

After a few moments Morgan finally turns, nods. "Yeah", she mutters. She still looks weird, but then she offers a tentative smile. "Thanks for the pep talk, grandma", she says. Phaedra makes a shocked face, but on the inside they happy smile is returning.

"Just living my best life", she says, and it's true. This, right here? This is the best place on earth, in this car, with these two. There's nowhere else she'd rather be.

It does take them until almost-sunset to reach the ocean. Well, to almost reach it. Thing is: the road is pretty close to it, but it doesn't quite reach it. There's still forest in between. A forest full of pitfalls and tangling shrubs that don't want anyone to move through it, and while there are also the tracks of various forms of wildlife, they aren't really all that well-suited for people.

Still, Phaedra doesn't even have to ask. Morgan is already pulling her hiking boots on, a very determined expression on her face, and Alia looks like she's ready to climb through thorny undergrowth with bare feet. She’d probably pull it off without hurting herself, too.

"We will make it", Morgan says. "It's, what, a mile? Pah, that's nothing. We still have..." She checks her watch, and then her phone, which (of course) doesn't have any reception. At least Phaedra’s doesn’t. "Uhhh, I'm not sure if I'm remembering it right, but we should have half an hour. That should be enough, right? We can get there in time. I want to see the sunset..." There's so much longing in her voice that Phaedra doesn't really dare tell her how hard it is to make your way through true, pathless wilderness. Besides, maybe they will make it. Nothing like true determination, really.

"Alia, do you need help?", Morgan asks. Alia nods, so Morgan helps her search for the hiking boots, and after a while they find them stuck under the far right corner of Alia's seat. Morgan grins while helping her put them on. Satisfied that the two can deal on their own, Phaedra gets her crutches, and collects some other things from the back of the car, stuffing them into her backpack. Most of the time she doesn't need walking aids anymore, but now she's glad she brought them along.

When they finally leave, some of the clouds have become slightly pinkish, slightly golden. Phaedra can only tell because sometimes there are gaps in between the huge trees, letting them glimpse more of the sky than a general blueish colour.

It's been a beautiful day, and it will be a beautiful night. There's a slightly elevated space next to where they parked the car, and it's even mostly level, with few bumps, the best wild tenting spot they could've hoped for. According to the signs next to the road it's allowed in these parts, too, so there isn't much they have to worry about in that regard. Good.

The forest is a veritable thicket. There are plants growing everywhere, some thorny thickets, some low and grabby, some too big to fight through. Phaedra did bring her machete, but even that doesn't help very much.

"You're hurting them", Alia says reproachfully at one point, and after that Phaedra stops using it.

All in all, Alia seems to be the one who deals with the plants the best. But then again, she’s the weird magical girl, too. Maybe one of her imaginary creature friends is helping her.

But still.

Even with all of that, Phaedra can't help but be amazed at the beauty surrounding them. There's so much of it, everywhere! The smallest, most fragile flowers, tiny green stalks breaking through the ground here and there, a mouse crossing their paths—

And Morgan helping her every time she almost stumbles.

"If it continues like this we'll be stuck here forever", Morgan says at one point, but there's a wide grin on her face. Phaedra grins back. There’s a freedom to this day that’s far superior to all other freedoms she’s had before. Alia is far ahead of them at this point, but if Morgan doesn't feel bad about missing the sunset, then Phaedra won't, either.

"Thanks for helping me", she says, a bit out of breath. Damn, her army constitution has run out fast. "I used to be so good at this..." Her voice is a bit wistful, and she only looks at Morgan when the younger woman stops.

Morgan's wearing the widest shit-eating grin imaginable. "Remember what you told me earlier? That the only thing that matters is the future? Well, look who's talking", she says. Phaedra laughs before she can stop herself. The sound is much louder than she anticipated, and then the two break out into more laughter at the exact same time, and the only thing that finally ends it is Phaedra grabbing hold of something that is home to too many sharp spikes.

Morgan is still grinning when she pulls her water bottle and a tissue from her backpack. "Who are you to give me advice on things you don't follow yourself?", she says, putting some water on the tissue, and giving it to Phaedra.

Phaedra is still smiling weakly, even if the pain is strangely... painful.

"You'd think that losing a leg is as bad as it gets", she says dryly, ignoring Morgans’ very pointed question. "especially when the phantom pain keeps you awake at night...

But, you see... small and annoying wounds still hurt, and they're also no less annoying."

"So annoying", Morgan echoes, and Phaedra swats at her playfully, missing only because Morgan takes a careful step back.

"Hey!", she protests, "I was only... repeating your wisdom."

"Yeah, I know... repeating my wisdom. Tsk."

"Well, you are very wise, old lady."

Phaedra just shakes her head sadly. "Today's youth has no respect for their elders anymore. What a tragedy", she says. This time when she swats for Morgan, her hand connects with her target. Unfortunately, she's forgotten about several other things, including (but not limited to) the fine art of balance.

Phaedra and Morgan tumble down onto all the pointy thicket plants together, laughing like children. Morgan has come such a long way, too… when we first met, she was so shy. She wouldn’t have dared make fun of me in ten life times. If it hadn’t been for Alia.

"That was fun", Morgan says. Phaedra rolls off to the side, trying to ignore the poking, pointy plants around her.

"I guess", she says, but in the privacy of her thoughts all she can think about are the series of tragedies that lead her to this moment, to this life. These, she thinks to herself, these are my people.

Then: "Maybe we should hurry. And try to figure out where Alia went." Morgan nods. It's the first time Phaedra can remember that there's no sadness lingering around her eyes.

She's truly happy. So many tragedies… and yet all three of us are here. Last year I couldn’t even have imagined one single day of happiness… and now I’m here.

"You know, I always thought I'd die alone, surrounded by a ton of books and a bunch of cats", Morgan says a while later when they're back to fighting their way through the thickets. The sky above them is pink, and gold, and purple, and going by Morgan’s face, she doesn’t regret anything about that, either.

“Funny”, Phaedra says, “I was just thinking about something like that, too. How crazy is it that we’re here? All three of us? I don’t know anyone else who’s gone through as much shit as we have, and yet… we’re here. Laughing…”

“Yeah”, Morgan says, her voice solemn despite the fact that she’s struggling quite literally through a thorn bush, “I didn't think I'd ever find anyone I would actually want to care about. Even my friends were only acquaintances, really. And now I’ve found two of you? In such quick succession?”

“Same… it’s definitely Alia’s fault”, Phaedra says, smiling. “She caught us like fish in a net, and then she made us care again, and open up, like flowers. You can’t… not love, when you’re in her presence. And after the whole army thing... I don't even know. I thought about ending it, when it all came crashing down. I felt so hopeless, and so helpless. I felt like I didn't deserve to carry on when they hadn't.

But I did, somehow, just long enough for you to move in next door, and then that girl decided to utterly trash my self-loathing and self-pity…" She smiles, and again, it's tinged by a strange wistfulness. Soft, and gentle, and sad. But also happy. So much happiness.

"Yeah", Morgan says, looking away. "Everyone kept telling me I would die alone, too", she adds after a while. "'Cause of, you know. All of that. I've never fallen in love. I never wanted that kind of thing. It all seemed icky. And yet here I am, with a daughter and a wife." She grins. "Well, kind of. Very differently from how others might imagine it. But who cares about them. It's perfect. It’s all I never wanted, and all I’ve always needed."

Phaedra grins back at her. "Very poetic”, she teases, “are you sure I'm your wife, though? Maybe I'm your grandmother. Or the aggressively well-meaning step mother. Or something."

This time it's Morgan's turn to retaliate, and she chooses to poke Phaedra in the side.

She stumbles, but Morgan catches her, helps her stabilize herself.

"I’m really glad you made your way into my life."

"Yeah, I know", Morgan says. "Even the cats love you back. Even Purrcy loves you back. And he wants to kill everyone."

"Yeah..."

They continue on in hard-breathing silence. It’s a good silence, though.

"I'm really glad for Alia, too", Morgan says after a while. "You should think that she’s never had a bad day in her life…”

Yeah, Phaedra thinks. I don’t even want to know what she’s gone through. And yet, she’s the biggest miracle out of them all.

“I’m pretty sure that she sees you as a grandmother”, Morgan says suddenly, and again, there’s that cheeky grin. I would’ve thought it out of character if she hadn’t been doing it for weeks now. Phaedra laughs. “Well, I make an excellent grandmother, don’t I?”

“Yeah, you absolutely do. Oh, and before I forget it… I think she wants you to draw her creatures. If you want to. She’s strangely shy about it, I’m not sure why. But she really looks up to you.”

Phaedra smiles softly, feeling a strange warmth blooming in her belly. "I don't know if I'm any good at that", she says, "but I'm definitely willing to try."

And then they reach the ocean.

The forest thins out (has been thinning out for a while, now that Phaedra thinks about it), making way to a rocky beach, or rather: a field of big, round, ocean-smoothed rocks, some small, some huge.

Alia's sitting on the largest one, staring at the spot the sun just vacated, and she looks so happy and peaceful that Phaedra gestures to Morgan, searches through half of her pockets before finding her phone, and then takes a few pictures. References, for later. Still no reception.

"You're both late", Alia declares from her rock, not even turning.

"We are", Morgan admits, making her way over the rocks.

Her eyes never leave the water, though.

This is what awe looks like, Phaedra thinks to herself, and takes a few more pictures. More references, of course.

"No regrets", Morgan says when she finally reaches Alia's rock. She looks like she's going to faint any moment. Like she's sleepwalking. Like she's in a dream, the best dream she could ever have imagined.

Phaedra takes another picture, and then she follows.

Alia's rock is so big that she can't even tell how the girl managed to scale it. Her feet are roughly at the height of Phaedra's head, and Pheadra isn't exactly short. Alia's grin is very wide when she looks down at them, like an empress regarding her subjects. Except she’s too kind to be an empress.

"Did you have fun?", she asks.

Phaedra wonders what exactly Alia is thinking about. Sometimes it's really hard to tell, especially with this particular girl.

"We did", she says finally. "And I hurt my hand. But for now we'll stay here. Let's wait until the stars come out, I know I put the headlamps into each of your backpacks so we don’t even have to worry about making our way back later."

Alia nods enthusiastically. "And when we get lost in the forest, we can just make a sleeping pile. That should work, too. Rhisíl will keep us warm." Her voice is very matter-of-fact about it, too. Like she knows that it’s going to happen.

“Well, we will think about that when it happens”, Phaedra decides, smiling. Alia nods, and grins. It’s already getting darker. Morgan makes her way over to Phaedra, leaning her head against her shoulder (she’s not tall enough to put it on her shoulder). “Thank you”, she says. There’s so much in those two words, so many things she could be thankful for.

Phaedra smiles. “You are very welcome”, she says softly. What did I do to deserve them?

But that’s the thing.

She didn’t do anything.

And then they settle down, and wait for the stars.

@madmoonink @wilde-writing @prismalicht @sincerestaffect @romenna @paper-shield-and-wooden-sword @asttralhell @raiswanson @kittensartswriting @fynniana @lynnafred @klywrites @lady-redshield-writes @tabbykatwrites @ettawritesnstudies @consciousdreamz @writingwordsanddrawingpictures @necros-writings @asherscribbles

#fluffcember #fluffcember 2019 #I hope you like the thing :3 #even though it got long #I wrote it yesterday but it needed some editing and now I'm behind XD #hopebeyondexcerpt

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rosepetalwritings · 4 years

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I really just wish you could see...

My first insecurities started before we even got to meet her, with me not getting to see any of the tinder messages, her thinking it was both of us talking to her until it was clarified. To this day I have no idea what was in those messages and I missed out on what was supposed to be our first real conversation/first impression of her. My first impression of this entire relationship was feeling excluded & a bit hurt; both bc of the Tinder messages and what followed…

You saw her naked first, without me. (Pacman nipple convo)

Then she saw you "naked" first, without me. (Dick pic)

Either bc you didn't want to say no, or didn't know how, despite us always talking about being on even playing fields going into this entire endeavor, it happened, and even tho you've given your reasons, it still made, and still makes me feel like y'all had a "head start". It hurt my feelings and we talked about not doing sexual/nudity stuff without me again. I tried to put my fears to rest and kept trying to not feel excluded.

And then, in the infancy of introducing someone else to our relationship, I left you alone with her for hours and hours while I went to work, without me. Putting everything inside me screaming not to be hurt or complain- aside, bc it wasn't anyone's fault that y'all got all this extra time, and I felt selfish for even feeling like this, and guilty for thinking that anything else would happen, even tho there are still times where I'm convinced y'all are fucking behind my back and have been the whole time.

And during that time, You came in her mouth, without me, the morning after I told y'all we should wait bc you had JUST got out of the hospital, and apparently couldn't wait until we 3 were together, even tho I worked until 2 or 4 that day... & Since then you have used that same illness as a reason to not fuck ME, that doesn't feel good.

& after you came in her mouth without me, you sat there & casually told me after, as if it were no big thing.. Now any time I bring it up, I get Kalap thrown in my face, even though we've supposedly done so much growing in between that horrific mistake, and when this incident happened, and I've apologized and tried to make up every single day for it, especially since that ring got put on my finger. Like I get that you're still hurt, but that doesn't invalidate how horrible I feel about all of it, or this entire thing.

So then I get told, for months, it'll be different when she has her own place and it'll be easier for me to make up time with her, bc that's all we can do to try to help me feel better about alll of these things, I held out hope that we could somehow "catch up" without violating any of our/your boundaries.

So she gets her own place & I try ask for the next best thing, just having a full day to exist alone with her, no sexual stuff, just hanging out.. I got 4ish hours, and to get even that, I had to let you have a 9 hour day with her, and even tho "it wasn't even about her", somehow when I still wanted to match times, when we had previously agreed on doing so, had you slamming shit down and passive agressively threatening to walk all the way home since you didn't find a ride, & even more upset with me. until this pandemic, I have literally not spent any alone time with her unless it was rushed, in a car, or running to do errands. Like I get that your "date" was more about getting you out of the house, and I'm glad we got to do that for you, but for me, our date was supposed to be somehow making up for all of these things I've just listed, and to this day we still haven't gotten that.

I've never gotten to do anything like that with her, or have had any type of sexual intimacy with her without you, which is how it SHOULD be, but y'all have gotten these things. I never got the option, or opportunity, despite the fact that you two have and did, but trying to find any sort of middle ground has been impossible.

Both of us working was supposed to try to fix that, but then I'm sitting there with her chatting and very casually, as if it were nothing new, says you smoked a bong with her while she showered. That really broke my heart. I have so many problems with this.

1. That's something We do... What are we gonna have left that's just ours if you keep handing pieces of our life away without talking to me about them?

2.Why is it I'VE never even seen her naked without you/when you've been asleep/at work?

3. Why do y'all seem to think this would be okay when we have discussed these boundaries a few different times now? But somehow, some way, these things keep happening between you two, & I'm just... supposed to be okay with it?? And somehow not feel like I'm "behind"?

4. Now all I can do is sit here and wonder if y'all have been fucking behind my back this whole time, or how many more times you've seen her naked without me that I don't know about. Especially since the few condoms that were left are now missing.

And that phone thing... Could you have been more clearly nervous about me playing a game on your phone? That looked super sketchy to me, the way you watched everything I did. I saw your inbox when your mom messaged and I went to close them. So I went to your inbox this morning and all your messages are cleared, more specifically, Baby Girls thread is gone. That looked even more sketchy to me, especially since I had a weird feeling about your demeanor when I had the phone. You say I can go thru your phone whenever I want, but the one time I even thouch it in months, you get super fidgety and sit there watching me, then clean out your inbox after I go to bed? And then you lied to me??? You tried telling me you did it last night at work, but last night there were at least 4 more threads than this morning. What else have you lied about?

These are all actual happenstances, this isn't a perception thing. So whenever I say I feel behind, these things are exactly what I mean. Y'all have had more sexual/intimate connections than her and I ever have, or could, as well as had regular alone time this entire time, and we can't manage to fix that, and now more shit just keeps building up since you two can't seem to follow the boundaries we've all agreed on a few times now...

I genuinely don't understand how I'm NOT supposed to feel behind when these are the Literal facts of our relationship, but every time I bring them up I end up feeling like it's my fault, or that I'm misconstruing the entire thing, or that I'm being too complicated, complaining too much, or being selfish, or you try to offer some extreme opposite "solution" that either wont logistically work or makes all of us unhappy, which makes me feel even more guilty, even tho I'm not the one that broke these boundaries in the first place, or at all, and I end up dropping everything I've said when the fact of the matter is that if these boundaries didn't keep getting broken, I'd be in bit better of a mental space to be with y'all. I've lost my trust bc of these things.

I don't know how to get you two to see my side and it's tearing me apart.

But I'm starting to come to grips with the fact that you and her might just always have a stronger connection than her and I, and while I know that you and I have the strongest connection, it still hurts. and I'm not sure how to deal with all of this.

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stellarune · 5 years

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I wrote a thing

Ok so. I wrote this for a non existent fandom, so I’m posting it here. Since probably none of you know who these characters are, I’ll explain briefly.

This is in the book superpowereds by drew Hayes, which is basically my hero academia but with college students. The people here are :

Nick : grew up in Vegas, designated team tactician, really smart/manipulative, controls luck, Vince’s best friend

Vince : homeless kid, has a dad who he loves very much, absorbs any kind of energy and redirects it, nicks best friend

Alice : rich, likes makeup, warrior, daddy issues, floats and controls gravity Mary’s best friend

Mary : lives in the woods her whole life, telepath/telekinesist alices best friend, Hershel’s girlfriend

Hershel/Roy: two minds one body, hershel is a nerd, Roy is a fake cowboy fuqboi, Hershel turns into Roy after he drinks whisky , Roy is super strong. Mary’s boyfriend

Ok.

Title : 200 points

Tw : panic attack

General : angst and fluff, happy ending

Vince Reynolds was brave. He was also the most selfless person you could ever meet. He would never hesitate to put himself between danger and an innocent person, no matter the risk. There were even less things Vincewould not do for his loved ones. However, when it came to Nick, Vince was sort of a coward.

Nick Campbell was smart. there was no denying it. he was also extremely perceptive. sure mary was his friend, so she was biased. but if you asked anyone he ever met, they would all tell you.the same thiàg. he was so good some people believed him to be telepathic. however, when it came to vince, Nick was a dumb fool.

Mary could kind of understand the problem, but honestly it was a quick fix. Assuming they got over themselves obviously

knowing Nick, the obliviousness might even be intentional . either that, mary had become tremendously good at reading people, or she only knew because of her telepathy. seeing the looks alice gave them as they were cuddling on the couch, she highly doubted that.

as captivating s seeing these two making heart eyes at each other was, tonight was date night, and there was non way mary was making hershel wait. she looked at alice, and grinned. with a little luck, this would be interesting.

000

Neck knew trouble when he saw it, and right now trouble was taking Alice Adair’s form. Now, she would have seemed totally friendly to anyone, all big smile and long blond hair. But Nick had been living in melbrook for the past two years. This particular smile, he knew to avoid. It was the one Alice wore seconds before beating the shit out of someone.

Apparently, Nick wasn’t the only one smelling trouble, since Vince wriggled free of Nicks arms the moment Alice stood up. He planted a peck on Nicks cheek and got up. “Yup. Time for snacks.” Nick however, didn’t get the chance to run.

Alice sat down in the couch next to him, and started talking to him about a show she had started watching. This was definitely way too weird for Nicks likings.

When Vince returned five minutes later, Alice’s smile was back. So this wasn’t just a matter with Nick, Vince was [conserné] too. He opened a bag of Cheerios, and waited for doomsday to start.

Alice plunged her hand into the bag. “Sooooo… do you want to play a game ? Because there is no way I’m gonna watch a slasher movie again.”. She was smiling again.

000

This smelled so so bad. there was no way this could turn out fine. Not with that look in alices eyes. Apparently, Nick didn’t think so, since he agreed with Alice. However, he was no fool.

“What’s the bet ?”

Alices grin grew even larger, if that was possible. “The loser’s to tell the truth, the truth and nothin’ but the truth for a whole hour.” She swallowed her mouth full of chips. “And the winner gets to ask whatever questions they want.”

And just like that shit went down.

Turned out that the game in question was actually just dance. It turned out that Vince was absolutely awful at everything including following a rhythm. It also turned out that Nick was an amazing dancer.

He moved with the music, mirroring the guide without even really looking at it, moving with the music and actually looking like it didn’t take all of Vince’s hcp focus to be able to follow. Yeah, Nick was good. But Alice was better.

“Beat you !” This had been a close call, only 200 points between them, but Nick had lost anyways. Vince would have blamed it on luck, if this wasn’t the sixth time she beat him. It had only taken one experience for Vince to accept his loss, but Nick didn’t give up as easily. But 6 losses had been enough.

“Fine you win, whatever.” He crashed on the couch next to Vince. It wasn’t like he was actually tired, but he put on a show anyways. Nick threw his head back and closed his eyes. Which were actually visible. He had ditched the sunglasses earlier, now only wearing them outside of melbrook. Vince had mixed feelings on the question. One one hand, he kinda missed them. but on the other hand, now he could actually look into Nicks deep brown eyes.

Nick snapped his eyes open, staring at Vince. “You have gold in your eyes.” This was such a simple realization. Yet, somehow it changed everything. Nicks eyes still had gold in them, even when he wasn’t channeling luck.

Nick raised an eyebrow. “Yeah ? They do ?” Vince heard Alice sNicker behind them, and she threw him a knowing look.

“Nevermind”. Socialize now, freak out after. Right now, he would just ignore everything and Nick beautiful eyes and Nicks arms around him and Nicks breath in his hair and-

Vince hoped Alice had forgotten the bet

000

Alice was thinking about the bet.

Actually, she was thinking about the exact way she had phrased it, andmentaly patted herself on the back for it. She was a genius.

Vince was a blushing mess. He looked like he was having a crisis, his head in Nicks lap, but still refusing to meet his eyes. This was way more than what Alice had expected, but she was not going to complain. The bet would settle everything, if it worked as she planned it. And it would. She grinned. “So. The bet. You’re both losers, pay up.”

“Wait what ? Losers ? Who said anything about both of us doing the thing ?” Nick asked. Alice started at him, preparing herself for a staring contest, but Nicks eyes wandered around for a bit before sighing. “Well played.”

Alice couldn’t help but smile at that. That really was one of her best ones. “I don’t actually have a lot of questions, since I know more or less everything about you two.” Vince and Nick exchanged looks. It wasn’t totally true, and all of them knew it, but it wasn’t important right now. “I do have one question though.” What was important right now was what she was going to ask. “How are you both so oblivious ?”

The boys looked at each other with a silent question mark.

She threw her hands in the air. “Seriously. I’m not that surprised about Vince, but what the hell Nick ?” Alice wasn’t angry per se, she just wanted what was best for her friends, and this had been going on for too long. “How much does it take for you two to realize you like each other ? It’s not that hard ! Hershel and Mary figured it out !” They probably needed privacy, so she stormed out of the room, only leaving the angry mask once she was on her bed. There, she started laughing.

000

What did she mean What did she mean what did she mean what did-

“Ok. There is a lot to unpack here.” Nick joked. He was trying to keep a cool facade on, even if Vince probably knew him too well to be fooled by it. Right now though, the boy seemed in shock as he stared at Nick, mouth slightly agape. “Look I-“

“Oh my god.”

“I know this is-“

“Oh my GOD. Nononononono ! This isn’t happening! No fucking way !”

Nick took a sharp breath in and muttered something that, to anyone else would be intelligible, but to Nick sounded a lot like “I’m gonna kill her” She just had to say it, uh ? She just had to ruin this for him ? For what ? Because she thought it was mutual ? Nick hadn’t even realized he had stood up in the middle of Vince’s rumbling. Alice was a fucking fool to think that good things could ever happen to Nicholas Campbell. Luck had never been on his side once in his life.

Vince had shut up in the mean time and now he was staring at Nick, who was giggling to himself. Luck was never on his side. It was kind of funny now that he thought about it. “Luck is never on my side uh ?” This definitely sounded a lot more hoarse than intended. He also had his hair in his face, which prompted Nick to raise a hand to his face, only to realize that he had been crying. Luck was never on his side. It was not so funny anymore. Why had he even started to hope anything good could happen to him ? O. Because a good thing had actually happened to him. Vince happened to him. All of melbrook too. And now that was gone gone. Vince was gone.

He couldn’t stand having Vince just right next to him, talking to him, if he believed that Vince’s lips were forming words behind the ringing in his hears, and still being gone. So he ran. Because Vince was gone.

Because Alice had to ask this stupid question. No. Because he had lost at this stupid game. It was all his fault. His own damn fault. Because he had been 200 points behind. And that had been enough. Enough to lose fucking everything.

None of this made sense. Why didn’t anything make sense ? Everything always did in Nicks head. Always had. The small part of his mind that managed to understand this also managed to register what was happening as a panic attack, even if he didn’t get that now.

Right now, Nick didn’t even actually register where he was. He didn’t register when he heard shouting from outside his room. He didn’t register when Mary a,d Hershel came back. He didn’t even register when he passed out.

000

That’s morning was tense to say the least. Nick, Vince and Alice had yet to say a word, and Mary’s meaningless attempts at conversation soon stopped. Hershel didn’t know what happened last night, but the atmosseemed to weight him. He soon left to go tak a jog around campus. The others were a mess. Alice hadn’t put on a single drop of makeup and Vince and Nick hadn’t even made eye contact. She had come in with Nick on the middle of a panic attack, so of course she knew what had happened last night. There was going to be a lot of communicating needed, and needed soon.

She sighed. First, the boys, then Alice. Then everything would eventually fall into place. “Alice, can I tak to you for a sec ?”

Alice shrugged and got out of her sit. Nick started to stand up, but Mary kept him in place. He shot her a death glare that would have made anyone shiver. Anyone but Mary. She and Alice left the room, Mary locking it behind her. That was done at least. Now they would have to wait and see how things turned out. In the mean time, she had a best friends to comfort, jusdging by the tears building up in alices eyes.

000

Vince felt sick. He had since last night. And right now, in the kitchen, next to his best friend (could he even call him that anymore ?) he wanted nothing but puke. He felt claustrophobic. Everything around him was too close too close. He stood up, put his head in the sink, and let it all out. He expected to feel better afterwards. But he didn’t. He just didn’t want to puke anymore. The worst part was that he expected Nick to help him through it, to pull his air back and rub circles in his back. But he hadn’t. And that hurt like a bitch.

All of that because of a stupid crush. He had lost Nick over a stupid crush. He wanted to cry. So he did. He just cried on the kitchen floor. It was his fault. So he apologized.“I’m sorry. I’m so so so sorry…” I’m sorry I like you like that. I’m sorry I couldn’t get over it before it was too late. I’m sorry.

He couldn’t get it out. But he needed to. So he took a deep breath and got up. He took a second breath and wiped the tears. He took a third breath and made eye contact with Nick. He took a fourth breath and thought about what he was going to say. He took a fifth breath and opened his mouth.

“I’m so sorry I like you.” This didn’t sound like Vince’s voice. In fact it wasn’t. Nick was gripping his chair so hard Vince was afraid it might actually break. Nicks knuckles were white because of the strength he was using right now. He had put his sunglasses on.

“What ?” Vince finally came to his senses. “What do you mean ?” He plopped down to the ground.

“I like you.” Nick said through gritted teeth. “Like-like you.”

“What ?” What ? What was happening? What ?

“What do you mean what ! What ? What !? Do you want me to spell it out ? Isn’t it enough that I lost my best friend” his voice cracked “because I’m fucking in love with you ? Do you want me to print it on my forehead ? ‘IM THE POOR GUY IN LOVE WITH HIS BEST FRIEND’ ?” at this point Nick had actually left indents on the chair, and there was no doubt that his eyes were closed tight under his sunglasses. “Please don’t hate me.”

As if Vince ever could. “You, you really like me ? You mean that ?” It’s not like he really had to ask. Nick wouldn’t have been like that if it wasn’t. But a small part of his brain still thought this was some kind of messed up dream.

He got up and took a step towards Nick.

000

Alice was a mess. She really really was. She just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear through a crack on the wall. The guilt was crushing her. Knowing that she caused her friends to be in so much pain was eating her alive. But she still came talk to Mary. Because she had no rights to feel that way. Alice had made her bed, now she was going to sleep in it.

But when Mary actually started painting her nails, she was starting suffocate. And Mary was there. She was there when Alice finally let it out. It felt good to have a shoulder to cry on.

She didn’t know how long she had been crying. Maybe a few minute, maybe a few hours. It didn’t matter. “I hate this.” She croaked. “I hate this so so much. And it’s all” my fault. The words weren’t said, but it didn’t take a telepath to guess.

“It’s gonna be fine you’ll see” Mary said as she stroked alices hair. It was going to be alright. “But you’re going to have to talk to them sweetie.”

Alice knew that. But not right now. Everything would fall in place eventually.

000

Nick was keeping his eyes shut, and there was like a ringing in his ears. That was probably why he gasped when he felt Vince’s fingers on his own. They were gently removing Nicks hands from the chair he was sitting on. Why was Vince doing that. It made no sense. But it felt nice. And Nick was a bastard, he had every rights to be selfish.

Then he opened his eyes. And Vince was smiling at him, for some reason. Now, had this been anyone but Vince, Nick would have recognized the signs, the blown pupils, the faster-than-average heart rate, everything. But when it came to Vince Reynolds, Nick was a dumb fool.

Nick removed his sunglasses.

“I-“ Vince started. “I love you too, you know ? You’re like, the most wonderful person I’ve ever met ? And I, I just was, you know, too scared to admit it. Even to myself. I guess I’m kinda a cowards when it comes to you uh ?” He let out a nervous laugh.

Nicks normally extremely fast brain took some time to register what Vince was saying. Apparently, impulse control was lost in the process, since he soon found himself kissing Vince. And it was the best day of his life.

Okay, there was a lot of teeth clanging and awkward nose poking, but it was still the best kiss Nick had ever had. And somehow he found himself lying on the floor next to Vince, laughing.

000

Mary returned to the kitchen after making sure they sorted it out. They were still on the floor, arguing about Nicks horror movies when she came in. They looked so happy. But Alice needed to sort everything out. So she cleared her throat.

“Alice wants to talk to you.” Mary said. She opened the door and Alice stepped in.

Mary quickly retreated to Hershel’s room, to give them some privacy. Herself could use some privacy with her boyfriend, she thought, as she started kissing him. It had been way too long.

“Star Trek movie night !” Hershel cried.

Yup. Long overdue.

000

When Alice walked in, Nick didn’t think much of it. He knew that he should probably be angry at her or something, but he just wasn’t. Didn’t mean he couldn’t use this at his advantage. He smirked.

“So. Alice Adair is finally returning.” He stood up.

“Listen, I’m so so so so-“ Nick placed a finger on her mouth. This was revenge.

“I know. But it’s gonna take more than an apology to make it up to me.” He was enjoying this far too much wasn’t he ?

Alice started rambling again about what she was willing to do to make it up to them, and how she should have never done it that way and-

“I have the perfect idea,”Nick cut her off. “I want you to support me next time I want to do a slasher movie marathon.” Alice burst out laughing. And just like that she knew she was forgiven. “Now Vince, what do you want out of this ?” Nick asked.

“Uh… I want you to ? Uh… ask your chef to make us food for an entire week ?” Alice shook his hand.

“You have a deal.”

Needless to say, the next few days, when they were not in the hcp, were spent with Nick and Vince being glued to each other (not that it was any different from before), and eating more food than at thanksgiving. Oh and also very bad horror movies.

This was originally supposed to be pure fluff about these two dorks finally getting together, but it sorta came out of hand. I guess I wasn’t done with the angst from two days ago, but at least no one died !

#superpowereds #my fic #i wrote a thing yay

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kiruuuuu · 5 years

Text

More recruitverse in which Ivan is actually nice! (Rating T, nothing but fluff, ~2.2k words) - written for @nutbrain because you inspire, encourage and support all those around you 💙💙

Ivan Ivanovic has been called blind countless times throughout his life, sometimes a variation like deaf or stupid, usually in relation to perceived obliviousness. He’s neither of the three yet sees no trouble in letting others believe he is – after all, their assumptions about him reveal more about their personalities than his.

He learnt early on that some of the facts taught to children in good faith are nothing but propaganda, a desirable yet unattainable outcome, merely a way to try and manipulate them into ‘goodness’. He’s unable to help everyone so he doesn’t, reduces the situations in which he could help to a simple cost and reward deliberation: when he notices Shay (who quite clearly has his heart in the right place even if his head isn’t on straight) hanging around with the wrong people, he doesn’t interfere; when Jojo gets bullied for something over which he has no control, he stays away; when Valenti becomes a regular scapegoat since he wants to fit in so badly he’d rather take the blame, he doesn’t speak up; and when Gian is alienated and called elitist behind his back because he refuses to partake in activities he feels are unfair to others, he ignores it. None of these scenarios were worth his meddling.

But he also got told that others would come to his aid. That humanity is inherently good. And while he remains conflicted on this notion, he must secretly believe it true or else he wouldn’t be fighting for them. Even so, he remembers digging his own grave by allowing everyone around him to share his happiness, the life he was building with her, and in the process undermined his own credibility. Because when he started telling others of her worrying behaviour, they waved it off. She was so nice, wasn’t she? He was lucky to have her, who cared if she wanted to go through his phone? He shouldn’t have anything to hide, right? And if he did, it was his own fault. And so, eventually no help came. Because he’d been happy so far, hadn’t he? He knew what she was like, and he was probably exaggerating anyway. He shouldn’t throw away years of happiness after one off day, everyone has those, she’s been under a lot of stress recently, right? No? Well, there must’ve been a reason and the reason can’t have been anything other than him.

And then Jojo wouldn’t go away, and he brought three others with him. And Gian listened with more compassion than any of Ivan’s friends and family had done. And Shay treated him as if they’d known each other since they were kids. And Valenti, who normally doubted all his achievements and frequently demanded proof, defended him viciously the moment someone outside of their group did it.

Helping anyone became a lot easier with these four idiots as pay-off.

So no, Ivan isn’t blind. He’d even call himself unusually perceptive, though he doesn’t often act on it which, he assumes, is the reason why his awareness gets insulted, and he doesn’t act on it as it oftentimes requires him to go out of his way for someone who generally isn’t worth his time or effort. But sometimes, the opposite is true.

“I got propositioned just now!”, Jojo announces sarcastically proud as soon as he’s breezed into their room, hair still wet from his shower and already wearing clothes fit for sleep.

“Did you reactivate your Grindr account?”, Gian wants to know, being quite aware of the fact that Jojo proclaimed never to use the app ever again, but seeing as it was the third outburst he’s had over it since they’ve known each other, none of them took him seriously. Gian and Valenti only just came back as well from some form of punishment outside, meaning they’re both shivering and dancing on the spot to warm up faster.

Ivan’s arms remember the feel of the Frenchman’s body between them and remind him sharply. He regrets the hug they shared, the entire odd moment really because it leaves him no peace. He thinks back to it at least three times a day and has since tried to stay away from Valenti – and if his presence is unavoidable, then he at least hasn’t touched him again.

“Fuck no, I’d rather rim the devil than go back to that endless void of horny middle-aged creeps.”

“Sounds like you have solid target group at least”, Ivan offers as half-hearted comfort and gets shown a finger in return.

“Tell us, Jojo, who was dumb enough to hit on you while you’re in a mood this rotten?”, Valenti joins their conversation, trying to rub some feeling back into his hands.

“My mood was perfectly fine before that douchenozzle macho fuckboy opened his stupid mouth.”

“Please, your mood has been rotten for days now.”

“That’s not bloody true, why would -”

Wordlessly, they all glance at Shay who’s stretched out on his top bunk, phone in hand and texting away blissfully with a smile on his face. He hasn’t even welcomed Jojo back, let alone acknowledged any of them since he’s started talking to Brittany half an hour ago. By now, even Thatcher must be aware of what’s going on yet the Irishman in their middle remains unsuspecting. He would deserve to be called blind.

“Anyway”, Jojo continues and they all seem relieved at him picking up the thread of the conversation once more, “I ran into Jacob Griffin-Worthington, and as the laws of nature dictate, with a name like Jacob Griffin-Worthington, he had no choice but to be a giant arsehole. So there I was, minding my own business, when Jacob Griffin-Worthington appeared out of nowhere and wanted to know how my love life was going. And I told him it was fantastic, I literally can’t stop sucking dick every free minute I have, so Jacob Griffin-Worthington -”

“I swear, if you say his full name one more time I’m going to tell him you’re crushing on him”, Valenti groans, much to Ivan’s amusement. There’s no love lost between Jacob and any of them.

“- so he who shall not be named suggested I kiss his ass in case my mouth would ever become available again and I said before I voluntarily touch any part of his body, I’d rather -”

Shay produces an odd sound, almost like choking, and this time he notices holding all their attention, looking both flustered and thrilled. “What? It’s nothing. Keep talking.”

“Are you alright?”, Jojo asks, concerned, because as much as he’s pissed off with his best friend for everybody to see, they’re still best friends.

“Yeah, it’s just – Brit just -” He trails off, looks at his phone screen again briefly and cradles it against his chest once more. “No, it’s fine. What were you talking about?”

“Did she send a nude?” Valenti must’ve noticed Shay’s bright red ears.

“Well, not quite, but – almost. She’s so pretty.” Another glance. The red darkens. “Jojo, do you want to see? I’m only showing Jojo, before you ask, everything else would be weird.”

“It’s weird enough showing me”, Jojo murmurs and rolls his eyes, “but alright. Let’s see the goods.”

And while the two stick their heads together to marvel at Shay’s girlfriend at the one end of the room, Valenti and Gian exchange a few exasperated looks at the other. For the moment, Ivan returns to tapping away at his phone, learning all about castling while simultaneously keeping his ears open for fragments of conversations in case anything interesting comes up again.

“Did you not own a scarf?”, Gian addresses Valenti questioningly.

“Ah, curses, you’re right. If it’s gone, Bandit must’ve taken it. I’m telling you, we need to take him down, truce or not, he offered me another brownie the other day and I bet it wasn’t a normal one.”

“Perhaps we could try to endeavour not to instigate trouble for which we suffer the same consequences as Bandit does for his pranks.”

“So what you’re saying is: we shouldn’t get caught again.”

Gian’s deep sigh doesn’t cover up Shay’s quiet ‘you smell nice’ to Jojo and if Ivan wasn’t already busy googling something all of a sudden, he’d attempt to send Jojo some telepathic sympathy.

Getting away from the others isn’t difficult for Ivan, he merely needs to threaten with additional exercise and they drop out, and even on the occasions Valenti doesn’t, he can tire him out easily and then sneak away while the Frenchman is busy trying to breathe. He rarely makes use of this way to distance himself, yet sometimes needs a bit of time alone without having to justify himself and sometimes just so he can browse the shops in town. Wholly being in charge of his own income is a relatively new concept to him and so he makes a few purchases just because he can. He knows Valenti caught a look at some of his animal socks at some point and watching him struggle with himself about whether or not he should bring them up was extremely entertaining.

In this case, he makes a trip to buy something specific and then pretends to go for a late run that same evening, instead seeking out the only operator in Rainbow of whom he’s certain to receive assistance.

“You’re a recruit, no?”, Zofia asks him as soon as he’s gotten her attention.

“Yes. Ivan Ivanovic. I need your help.”

Admitting it to her is daunting. She possesses a strong presence as well as confidence and reminds him of two women in his life, none of whom he’d like to ever meet again. But where they abused their power over him, Zofia listens to his request willingly, asks a few questions and eventually agrees with a kind smile. Most operators neither have the time nor the patience to deal with any of the recruits’ problems, not even necessarily out of malice – Ivan understands it all too well and therefore doesn’t hold it against them, but it means he appreciates what Zofia’s doing even more. She wants to know why he came to her specifically and laughs when he reveals she just seems the right person for the job, like someone who has the skills he requires.

She goes out of her way to teach him, inspects his work readily and even meets with him secretly during the day for more encouragement. He vows to find out more about her interests so he can pay her back accordingly, but for the moment he’s busy with other things.

“Sounds like we’re meeting her tomorrow”, Jojo says over his shoulder as he enters and Ivan makes a conscious effort to arrange his expression into something neutral so he doesn’t give anything away. “Hey, Ivanko, have you heard? Shay wants us to meet his beautiful girlfriend with the differently-sized tits tomorrow.”

“Be nice to her”, Valenti warns him as they swarm out and gather a few supplies in preparation of going out again. “And for heaven’s sake, don’t mention her boobs.”

“Or what, Gian’s going to write me a very stern letter? If she’s a bitch, I’m gonna fling shit back at her. Not that Shay would ever be interested in a bitch, but just in case.”

“Well, he’s friends with you”, comes the mumbled answer which startles a chuckle out of Ivan. Valenti shoots him a quick smile before finally taking notice of the object lying on the blanket of his top bunk. “Oh, what is this?”

“The last fucking thread holding my patience together”, Jojo grumbles in response but looks over nonetheless, squints at the fabric Valenti picks up. Rich dark red is cascading over his hands and nearly reaches the floor on both sides, the material soft yet thick wool. “Looks like a scarf.”

“I recently lost mine, but – Ivan, was this here when you came in?”

He’s hesitant to make eye contact in case he gives himself away but needn’t have worried as Valenti’s attention is still focused on the cloth he’s holding. “Yes”, he says simply.

“Huh. Then I have no idea where it came from. You didn’t buy this for me, did you, Jojo?”

“I would’ve gotten you something more stylish and you know it. Maybe in purple.”

“But this is my favourite colour. I think only Gian knows it is, but I don’t think he can knit. It looks hand-made.”

“Yeah, whatever, just put it on and quit whining about the cold. Do we have everything? Ivanko, you want to watch us ruin our complexion by planting face-first in the snow with our improvised sleighs?”

“Always.” He closes the game app and gets up to put his jacket on, trying not to let his satisfaction show upon seeing Valenti wrapping himself in the scarf with a content expression.

“It’s really warm”, he announces and sinks deeper into the several layers, “and it smells good. Forget whoever might’ve lost it, it’s mine now. Let’s go.”

And while the two lead, rekindling the discussion about Shay’s girlfriend, Ivan follows them with a smile.

#rainbow six siege #recruitverse #ivan/valenti #even if it's light it's there!#fanfic #all the torture jojo has to go through #shay would probably ask him to help send a visual reply #iykwim #also valenti would never suspect ivan #he's not even on the list of suspects

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tuwam · 5 years

Text

5 reasons.

‘your sister said you were asked by five guys already. what’s the reason you didn’t agree to go with one of them.’ // @consilian

five was a bit of an overstatement. maybe there had been five, but ahyeon doesn’t really recall all of them. she remembers them by reasons of course. because they’d been ridiculous, and a waste of her time. almost like the entire proposition of the ball. because why in the hell would hyuck be willing to go with her if it weren’t for something ridiculous cooking up his and minjae’s sleeve. that was always the case was it not?

and for that, she reminds herself to stay firm in her disregard for the question.

what other reason would she have to make a fool of herself, dressing up, dressing him up. and for what?

‘you know we’d look great together right?’

the first one came a bit out of nowhere. in fact, ahyeon wasn’t expecting anyone to bother her while she slaved away in the library. typically she used the quarters often occupied by other ravenclaw, but her prefect had requested a meeting there that she, wanted no part of. regardless, with the games going on, she didn’t expect anyone to approach her.

much less one of minjae’s idiot quidditch friends. a slytherin, lee siwon, and a pain in every potion professor’s ass.

“excuse me?” she has to divert her attention for her studies in order to actually get a look at him. sleek hair, gut-curling grin that reminds her of the guys her sister used to date. body flat and carefully posted against the bookshelf. he’s posing, that’s the first thing she notices.

‘the yule ball, you don’t have a date right? and I need a cute one.’

he’s full of himself. it’s more than a rumor but she can see it clear as day. ahyeon isn’t sure whether it’s offense she should feel at his assumption that she doesn’t have a date ( even though she doesn’t ) or indifference because she hadn’t sought one out.

“uh-huh. don’t you have practice to attend to?” ‘i’d rather go knowing you’d be there cheering me on.’

correction: he’s way too full of himself.

the confidence in the slytherin houses was as convoluted as it was condescending. minjae tended to have that same level of confidence. with lines like this ahyeon can only wonder who girls have managed to let him keep it. regardless, she’s got a potions exam in a few periods and less patience to deal with the slytherin quidditch player.

‘shouldn’t you be studying?’ she’s about to give him a few words of her own when the voice breaks in. it’s hyuck, books snug under his arm and something reeking of minjae’s terrible concealment spells leaking from the pages. “shouldn't you be instead of thinking of ways to avoid it?” almost immediately, hyuck’s grin is boyish. like the day ahyeon watched them get caught watching the national team through a portal in their textbooks. foolish.

she’s smiling though.

‘chapter eight is ass.’ “yeah yeah,” ‘wanna skip studying and cheer on minjae?’ “as if he needs another cheerleader.”

she’s packing her books anyway, space thoroughly interrupted and distraction welcomed. hyuck’s smiling like he knew she would, smug enough that ahyeon has half a mind to chant a zipper across it. instead she’s pausing at the male she’d completely forgotten, reminded if only by the cologne that smacks her in the face when she tries to walk by.

“siwon-ssi? guess i’ll see you at the game." but definitely not at the ball. if he’s smart, he’ll get the hint, but ahyeon’s already by hyuck’s side, ignoring all attempts he makes to lie about whatever scheme minjae had cooked up in their textbook.

quidditch is a pain. areum is a pain.

see, ahyeon isn’t a fan of sports like her sister. she rarely visits the field, can’t understand for the life of her why her sister is always decked out in her house colors, first in line to cheer on her team. she gets the sport, finds the snitch rather appealing, but can’t understand the appeal of chasing it. the boys are agile, strategic, she admires it. admires how some of them seem so determined in making this a career past Hogwarts, she can’t find fault in that. she’s just not the first one ready to scream and cheer for their points.

she does frequent the field more though, if only to toss her sister a cloak so she doesn’t get cold. grab hyuck when he knows he can’t miss another class or it’s cleaning duty in snape’s office.

the field grounds are always a battlefield, so ahyeon avoids them. today she has a reason, her sister once again forgetting her cloak and ahyeon dreading another letter about why areum keeps catching colds. so ahyeon’s out there, her own scarf wrapped tight around her as she looks for her firecracker of a twin.

“you’re going to get sick and your boyfriend’s not even here to nurse you, i refuse to do it.” that gets her colorful words muffled by ahyeon wrapping the scarf tighter and tighter with a small whisper out her lips. she’s ready to go, maybe take a nap or hit the dining hall with jieun.

‘ahyeon-ssi.’ at least, she’d planned on it. both ahyeon and areum turn to the voice. he’s got to be the same year as her, but she can’t remember his name for the life of her. gryffindor kid though, strange seeing as how he’s practically shaking. could be the wind. the smile is there, a little shy, boyish but not as charming as she’s used to. as if she’s used to anything. gryf’s have a weird habit or looking so oddly disturbed about everything - maybe it’s all the energy they have. she knows someone quite like that.

regardless, she gives him her attention. “yeah? kim eunho-- right?” she’s barely finishing the sentence, finishing the recognition before he’s bowing before her and half the entire school’s quidditch teams. ahyeon wants to disappear. her sister was the one for theatrics - not - her. ‘will you go to the yule ball with me?’

it takes ahyeon three seconds to come up with a response.

she sees, areum doing that thing with her eyebrow when she’s too involved in something - that she shouldn’t. she sees, the entire gryffindor team looking far too entertained and far too suspicious. she sees, someone in the bleachers, from what she remembers a hufflepuff with a thing for lavenders and the boy now bowed before her, running away.

her response is simple - just a little a push in the direction of lavenders as his rose morphs into the purple flower and he rises from his stupor.

"go.” ‘what was that about?’ jieun, ahyeon’s savior only asks after they’ve left the fields. "my sister thinks she’s funny. let’s go eat.”

( ‘i thought he was your type.’ “what?” ‘loud, rambunctious, boyish charm or whatever?’ “isn’t that your type?” ‘hyuck and soonyoung are way different.’ “what does hyuck have to do with this?” ‘.......aren’t you the smart sister?’ “meaning?” ‘nothing nothing.’ )

ahyeon is once again - not a fan of theatrics. not in the slightest.

what was supposed to be a simple snack before this godforsaken exam - has turned into a display of - testosterone and anxiety.

one minute she and jieun are discussing points for the test - the next the doors are slamming open and someone is quite literally, screaming her name.

‘SON AHYEON.’

“jieun make me invisible.” ‘sorry honey.’

the voice is shaky, lacks any bass though it booms across the dining hall. ahyeon doesn’t even want to turn but half the hall has so she might as well. she does, if only to see the fireworks crackling across as she does, and a very small, very forgettable hufflepuff standing beneath them. he’s one of jieun’s friends, which is why she hears her friend promptly choke as he makes his way over. he’s cute, still has his baby fat in his cheeks, a sweetheart who often forgets his glasses and wanders into the wrong house residence areas.

‘ahn seongwoo????!!!!!!’ fortunately, jieun takes the words out her mouth. the disbelief doesn’t stop the male from marching over, all eyes on him, sparkles literally falling around her. ahyeon would know that flair anywhere, and it’s definitely not that of a hufflepuff. that and - the bravado he walks with - the fact that his eyes are wide as saucers.

she braces herself.

‘I COULDN’T DENY MY FEELINGS ANY LONGER, WOULD YOU DO ME THE HONOR!’

ahyeon is gone before he can even finish.

hyuck finds her, curled by the steps, window overlooking the school under her foot.

‘was looking for you, we have a test you know.’ “yeah i know, how’d you find me?” ‘like i couldn’t, you’re predictable.’

was she? if she was so predictable why was she being put in these situations? as if people didn’t know she barely spoke to anyone other than jieun and her group of friends. as if people didn’t already have a title stamped on her from the first day the hat sorted her. cold, cruel, cautious, compelling despite all.

ahyeon preferred quiet, preferred her goals and learning about herself. enough to know that there was a reason she wore blue and black. enough to know there was nothing wrong with everyone’s perception of her, perception was just that.

so why - was she being thrown in the most contradictory situations. her frustration comes out in the form of a sigh. it’s then that she notices hyuck’s sat across from her. proximity be damned.

‘wanna hit up your favorite candy place after?’ “curfew?” ‘so yes?’

if she was so predictable, why was he the only one who could get the curve-balls correct?

they make it to the exam with three minutes to spare.

( seongwoo was excused from it due to literally passing out from embarrassment, ahyeon left him some flowers in the infirmary )

‘studying already i see.’

finally, ahyeon gets time in the ravenclaw studies - just to deal with this. lee yonghwa, an upperclassman, a certified genius in all he studies and with the attitude equipped to boast about it.

“we just tested on chapter eight, wasn’t too bad.” ‘obviously not for people like us.’ “like us?” ahyeon doesn’t dare look up from her book.

why is everyone so keen on bothering her today?

‘geniuses, the creme of the crop.’ “uh-huh. where is this going?” ‘i just figure, as the best we should naturally be seen together.’ “and where is that?” ‘the yule ball naturally.’

thing is, yonghwa is smart but the attitude of his makes it hard for others to approach him, making him something of an outcast among his classmates. ahyeon’s heard a lot about him in that regard, as jieun is the gossip queen and lets her know all that floats about the halls. ahyeon - despite her decision to stay away from circles, always remains the talk of some and has somehow found a circle of her own ( in part thanks to jieun ). she wouldn’t be boasting to say it was because of looks - because most of it was. she was unapproachable but of higher social standing - as jieun had put it.

it makes sense why yonghwa would want to take her.

he’d be cute - if he weren’t so calculated.

or obvious.

alas, ahyeon is shutting her book again.

“listen.” she’s interrupted by a note flying in from the entrance and attaching itself to her cheek.

‘chocolate frogs won’t wait for anyone.’ - h

“i gotta go.” the frown’s gone, replaced by a smile that’s almost immediately stamped firm on her face.

‘heard you got some offers.’ minjae is far too cunning than people give him credit for. if it weren’t for ahyeon knowing his sister’s reputation - it’d almost be a little concerning. she’d half expected this though, so when she arrives at the training field, she isn’t surprised to see him. cold, maybe a little irritated at the events of the day, but not surprised. “your magic seal is about as bad as hyuck’s.” that and - hyuck knows she hates chocolate frogs - with a passion. a fun day that had been. that and the treats they’d gotten immediately after the test are still snug in her pocket. which only means minjae had no intention on disguising himself effectively. ‘rude - i made it that bad on purpose.’ of course. “what do you want minjae?” ahyeon supposes she tolerates him, her friends seem rather fond of his looks, his smile, far too charming in her opinion, not enough room for error, not enough clumsier. not quite the kind that would catch her eye. he’s handsome but - maybe she’s too used to seeing him when he’s up to no good with hyuck. maybe then - she’s not really paying attention to him anyway.

but he’s hyuck’s friend and they’re a packaged deal. and she finds no one who gets her humor quite as well as them. minjae on his darker days when no one’s around. like now. ‘surprised you didn’t rat me out.’ “surprised you’d leave a messy trail on a hex like that.” ‘wasn’t really me, i just helped them sort things out.’ she woudln’t really rat him out, it’s none of her business. not that she isn’t curious why he’d agree to help hex seongwoo, or why anyone in slytherin would want to but her through that ordeal. though a quick thought only points to the idiot whose ego she probably busted earlier in the day. regardless, seongwoo’s safe and minjae’s business is his business. ‘you really rouged up siwon’s ego though.’ he’s laughing, almost like siwon isn’t that close of a friend of his. but then why would he even agree to that. it’s too much - being around minjae tires her. “what do you want?” ‘to know who you’re going to the ball with.’ her brows furrow, because if she’s the predictable minjae is the master at being her opposite. “why.”

‘let’s call it personal curiosity.’ and ahyeon isn’t quite sure what it is - the fact that he always grins like he knows everything, the confidence that’s almost uneasy, nauseating really, like he knows more about her than he should. or the fact that she might be right about her next question and the anger bubbling would make her hair stand if it could. “kwon minjae - are you about to ask me to the ball?” ‘would you say yes?’

is he crazy? he has to be crazy. ahyeon’s tempted to believe it’s another joke. not because it’s minjae and he would never in a million years ask her because - quite frankly she can never be too sure about him. but she is sure about his friendship - his loyalties - and there’s no way he’d ask her when hyuck’s his friend. no way. he has to be smarter than that! he has to know that - well that what? that obvious unspoken thing that her friends like to whisper to her about. that thing that makes her answer hyuck’s notes even in the middle of studying, leave her post just to go watch a game she can’t stand, sneak out to get candy she shouldn’t be eating.

that thing.

if anyone knows - it’s minjae. and ahyeon is appalled, almost too appalled to answer except -

“i’d shove the snitch up your ass.”

she’s fire-ready, but minjae’s always a step ahead. because he laughs, right in her face, heated and red as it’s turning in the cool courtyard. ‘unfortunately for you no. i just came to apologize for the dare. didn’t mean to embarrass you. but it seems - hyuck has already taken to making you feel better.’ “i do have an exam in the morning.” ‘you know, if you want people to stop asking, might as well ask who you want yourself. someone as popular as you - they might not think they have a chance.’ “good night, minjae.” ‘night ahyeon, tell your cute prefect i’m sorry for keeping you out late.’

( + )

ahyeon thinks of the reasons. logical ones really.

siwon was only concerned about his ego. whether he found her attractive or not, it wasn’t good to go just to maintain aesthetics. or feed his ego. ( he deserved getting knocked down a peg. )

eunho was dared by her pain-in-the-ass sister and his hair-brained team so of course it wasn’t genuine. and he’s having a good time after asking out the sweet huffelpuff who she has her history class with ( ahyeon’s gonna help her shop as an apology ).

seongwoo - was hexed. poor kid.

yonghwa - really only cares about elevating his social status. and come on - the reason for the no should be obvious enough.

she’s had other options of course, less flashy ones, notes on wands, questions written in air, people downright asking. prefects and jocks alike. upperclassmen, underclassmen, the works.

the simple answer would be she’s not interested.

it’s not the ball, though she says that anyway. it’s not really the guys’ faults either.

it’s just -

‘will you go to the ball with me?’

well they aren’t this loser.

#{ w: ahyeon. }#consilian #AU: HOGWARTS.

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