#when the problem was just that i had no motivation to do my homework ever. i understood tests and quizzes perfectly.

[britneyshakespeare]

i’m a smart girl i got a 98% on my physical science exam

#>:) #tales from diana #college has made me realize i like science after my middle school teacher (ONE OF THE WORST IVE EVER HAD) high key discouraged me out of it #it used to be my favorite subject when i was a kid. i wanted to be a DOCTOR. #and in high school i was just very depressed and not giving a shit about anything. i was discovering my love of poetry but i wouldnt say #it was very encouraged by my schooling it was just kind of concurrent. like i would do my writing in my math & science c #lasses.... i pressed enter by mistake. #eventually i took a lower-level science on purpose so it would be less work. i kept getting ds on my report card #when the problem was just that i had no motivation to do my homework ever. i understood tests and quizzes perfectly. #but my eighth grade teacher was just so bad. he straight up should not have been teaching children. uhg #i could say more about him and his level of pretentiousness elitism and unprofessionalis #he gave me amnesia over the fact that this was ever a subject i really liked. #my college professors have brought it out in me that oh right. this is my shit. this used to be what i was independently motivated to read #about and ponder. when i was a kid. yeah. #WOW that's different #it's actually kind of nostalgic to me. i feel like im a kid again/

[hairrington]

Second Chance

Summary: Trust is not something you give to people easily. So when you start trusting Steve Harrington little by little, he knows it's a big deal. And he won't screw it up.

Female reader with trust issues who's afraid to fall asleep next to anyone and Steve being the sweet boy he is. Takes place the fall before S4 (with flashback to S2). Requested by anon. Gif credit: commanderogerss.

Tutoring Steve Harrington was hard.

Not because he wasn't getting the subject matter. He was. The problem was that he was so distractingly charming while he was doing it.

When you had taken on the tutoring program at Hawkins High, you were expecting to pick up a few easy credentials to help beef up your college application and raise your chance for a scholarship. But when Steve Harrington walked into the study room, hopeful on getting help in Algebra, the butterflies in your stomach warned you that this wouldn't be the cakewalk you had expected.

"Are you my tutor?" he asked, settling in the seat kitty-corner from you at the table.

"You're here for Algebra, right?" you answered. The guidance office had only told you the time and place - nothing about the student you'd be tutoring. If you had known it'd be the hottest guy in school - maybe the hottest guy you'd ever laid your eyes on - you could have mentally prepared.

"Right," Steve answered. "Steve Harrington."

As if you didn't know. You gave him your name then immediately pointed down to his binder.

"What concept are you on?" you asked.

"No time to waste, huh?" Steve said. "You're a senior, too, right?"

Steve looked at you as you nodded, your expression clearly indicating that you were eager to just get on with the lesson. But he was intrigued by you - he'd seen you around and noticed how pretty you were, but had never learned your name.

"Yes," you answered.

"Have you been a tutor for long?" Steve asked.

"You're actually my first student," you said. The playful way his eyes travelled your face, taking you in, was not helping tame the butterflies.

"I'm honored," Steve said with a hand to his chest. "I'll do my best. Even though I'm crap at math."

"What grade are you sitting at?" you asked.

"A respectable D-plus," he answered.

"And what do you want to finish with?"

"Is an A+ possible?"

"With two months left of the semester, I'm not sure if-"

"If you can dream it, you can do it," Steve said, pointing a finger behind you. You turned to see the cheesy, space-themed poster with the motivational quote in white lettering.

You giggled and turned back around to face him. It was the first time he heard it, but Steve quickly surmised that he loved your laugh.

"We'll do our best," you said. "So, are you on quadratic equations?"

"Just finished that one," he answered. "We're on... functions, I think?"

"My favorite," you said. Steve noticed the hint of a smile on your face. How somebody could get excited about math was beyond him - but he didn't want to say anything about it in fears that you'd get offended.

You were obviously a bit on the shy side - diverting your gaze quickly and reshuffling in your seat - and he thought it was really, really cute.

He realized he wasn't going to get much more small talk in, and opened the binder you were staring at. He watched as you read through the list of the semester's assignments, taking inventory of each item.

“Two unit tests and a final exam left,” you summarized. “What’s today’s homework?”

Over the next hour, you spoke about math - and only math - with Steve. He didn’t need much help after you explained the strategy to him. After your first session, both of you had already felt confident that he had mastered the topics covered in the day’s homework.

“I can’t believe I get this,” Steve said in awe. “You’re, like... a wizard.”

“No,” you laughed. “You did all this.” You pointed to his writing on the lined paper in front of both of you. 

“Couldn’t without you,” Steve replied.

You shared a smile with him and the warm feeling it gave you was familiar. All too familiar. It was a feeling that had only led to disappointment and hurt in the past. Your last relationship had crumbled and left you feeling broken. The break-up had only happened two weeks prior and it left an impact. You could never trust someone like that again.

“So, I think we’re booked here for Tuesdays and Thursdays after school, right?” you said, diverting your gaze and looking down at your agenda.

“Right,” Steve said. You were intriguing to him and he wanted to get to know you, but he realized you were not opening up any time soon.

After that first day, the two of you had four hour-long sessions before his next unit test. The following Thursday afternoon, he came in with a big smile and a piece of paper. It was the Algebra test he had taken the previous morning.

“B! A freakin’ B, man!” Steve boasted, holding the test paper up.

“Steve, shh!” you half-laughed, worrying his loud tone would get you kicked out from the library, even though you were in the confines of a closed study room.

He winced and chuckled, closing the door behind him.

“This is the best I’ve ever done on a math test,” he said. “You work miracles. Please tell me you’re going to be a teacher. You’re gonna make geniuses.”

Steve settled in his usual chair and showed you the test. You looked over it, feeling proud of him and good that you were able to help him achieve this.

“I’m still not sure,” you told him. “But my major will be math, so we’ll see where that takes me.”

Steve couldn’t tell you this - hell, you’d only talked about anything outside of math to him for a grand total of five minutes - but he’d never felt more confident about his intelligence before he met you.

You had a patient teaching style and a knack for explaining things in a way he could understand. Steve had also been unsure about his academic performance, and with his nasty break-up with Nancy that had hanging over his head since before you even starting tutoring him, he was finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

Maybe he had a future after all.

“Great job, Steve,” you said kindly. “Next is polynomials?”

Steve nodded, understanding that you were probably always going to keep him at a distance. He wished it wasn’t that way, but he figured if your paths ever crossed again, he’d give it another try. Hopefully then, you’d be willing to get to know him, too.

---

You walk into the video store on a Wednesday afternoon, headache still tight in your temples. Your Statistics class had been stressing you out and you needed a break. You figured a comedy movie you could turn your brain off to watch was the perfect cure.

You meander through the aisles. Steve, standing at the front counter, notices you before you notice him. Normally, he’d run over and help. But seeing you makes him nervous. 

It’d been two years since you tutored him. He had finished his Algebra class with a high B, thanks to you, but never had a chance to speak with you again after your last tutoring session. High school was over and he knew nothing about you but your name, your college major, and some other little tidbits he picked up.

Steve always regretted not asking for your number, but you had seemed so closed off that he figured you’d say no. But here you are. Now. And it feels like a second chance.

Earlier that day, he had been upset that he was working a solo shift without Robin, who could make the hours go by quicker, but he’s relieved now that she’s not here to see his giddiness.

After a few minutes, you make your way to the counter, movie in hand. When you realize Steve is waiting on the other side of the tabletop, you feel the same flustered way you did when he walked in the study room ages ago.

“Hey,” you say, smiling with a tilt of your head. How did he get even cuter?

“Whoa, long time,” he replies, trying to play off that he had already seen you.

“Yeah,” you say. “How are you?”

“Living the dream.” Steve vaguely motions to the small video rental store you’ve both found yourself in. “Taking some time off before college. You?”

It’s his staple response in case anyone asks about his life plans. He can’t exactly tell people he’s staying in Hawkins in case the Upside Down opens up again, letting a slew of monsters in.

“Nice,” you answer sincerely. That’s something Steve likes about you - you’re not judgmental. “I’m at Hanover.”

“Cool,” Steve says. He always knew your smarts would get you far. “How’s that?”

“My Stats class is the reason I came in here. Just to find a distraction. It’s really doing a number on me.”

“Good one,” Steve says, finger pointed at you. You take a moment, then laugh.

“Oh... My brain is so... turned to mush that I didn’t even realize I made a pun.”

“I was always the one that had those ‘Ohhh...’ moments,” Steve laughs, thinking back to your tutoring sessions. “So, this is what it feels like to be on the other side. I feel smart.”

“You are smart, Steve,” you say, placing your selected VHS on the counter. “I don’t get how you never saw it.”

It means a lot to Steve to hear that - especially from you - and he doesn’t want to let you go again. 

“How long are you in town?” he asks nervously, taking the tape and scanning it.

“Indefinitely,” you say with a chuckle. “I’m still living at home and commuting to school for now.”

“Oh,” Steve answers. “I’ve... I haven’t seen you around.”

“I... keep my circle small,” you tell him. It’s the truth. You can’t trust easily. The people you do trust are few and far between. He nods, looking at his screen.

“Have you rented here before? Do you have an account?”

“Not here,” you say, then tell him your information for the rental system.

“You looking for a three-day rental?” Steve asks.

“Sure, that’s fine,” you answer.

“Five dollars.”

You set the bill on the counter top.

“Are you busy with your circle Friday night?” he finally asks, eyes refusing to make contact with yours as he opens the till. 

You smile to yourself. Despite the usual knee-jerk impulse you get telling you to stay far away from boys - especially ones as cute as Steve - you had only positive impressions of him. He always seemed sweet. 

He puts the tape in a bag, along with a receipt.

“Have something in mind?” you ask.

“Dinner?” Steve asks. “And I promise we won’t talk about math. Especially not stats.”

You laugh, taking the bag he’s handing to you.

“Sure,” you say. “You have my number now, right?” You look at the small computer he had just been working on.

“Not creepy if I take it from the system?” he asks.

“Not if I give you permission,” you reassure. “Which I am.”

He lights up in the most adorable way and nods at you. 

When you walk out, he replays the conversation in his head a bunch of times. And then he starts thinking about how he’ll call you tonight - and how to sound cool over the phone.

---

When Friday rolls around, Steve picks you up at 7 like you both had agreed to over the phone. You couldn't be happier to see him after a full day of studying.

You slide into his car, taking in the aroma of the cologne you remember smelling when you had sat closely together in your tutoring sessions. Some things never change.

The restaurant he chose is lovely and once you’re seated there, you smile at him from across the table, the candle between you flickering.

“I think this beats a study room,” he says.

“Were those tutoring sessions so bad?” you tease.

“No, no,” he quickly says, shaking his head.

“I know, I’m kidding,” you say. “It does beat a study room.” You smile at him again. Despite your mind’s protests to stay away from Steve, to protect yourself from all the potential pain he could cause, you let your heart take the lead.

The dinner zooms by as you two catch up on the past two years, starting from high school graduation to now. Steve omits the parts that would leave you running for the hills - anything involving monsters or Russian soldiers is off the table - but he opens up about everything else.

While you eat dessert together, Steve looks at you to appreciate your beauty for what feels like the millionth time.

"It's nice to get to know you," he says sincerely. You meet his gaze and take a deep breath before saying your next words.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t exactly... an open book back then,” you say. “In high school, I mean.”

“Oh no no, it’s okay,” Steve says. “You had a job to do. I respect it. You made me actually like math a little bit." You laugh, shaking your head.

“Still,” you say. “I... regret being so closed off. I just have some issues with... trusting people.” Steve watches you from across the table as you lower your gaze onto your dessert, playing with the food, chewing your bottom lip.

“How come?” he asks, voice low.

“Bad break-up,” you answer. “Bad relationship, actually.”

“That blows,” he says. "I'm sorry."

You look up at him to meet his eyes again. You force a smile. You wouldn’t be surprised if he decided then and there you weren’t worth the hassle. But his next words told you everything.

“When you’re ready, you can tell me more about it,” Steve says. “I know about bad break-ups, for what it’s worth.”

“You do?” you ask.

When Steve opens up about his heartbreak with Nancy, you feel the urge to hug him. He sprinkles in jokes while he tells you about it to try to downplay the pain he’d been in, but it doesn’t quite work - you can see the hurt in his grimace.

“Took me a while to get over that one,” Steve says. He takes a sip of his water. “Focusing on polynomials helped."

You smile, thinking back to your afternoons spent tutoring him.

"You decide to be a teacher yet?" Steve asks. "I always thought it was your calling. Remember when Harris thought I was cheating?"

You laugh, thinking back to Mr. Harris, the math teacher, having a serious talk with Steve to discuss his apparent cheating. Once Steve had told you about it, you went to Mr. Harris the next morning to vouch for him.

"I did so good that he thought I couldn't possibly have done it myself," Steve continues with a laugh. "Only a great tutor can improve their student so much that they're accused of cheating."

Beneath your laugh, your heart pains for Steve. When he had told you about the talk with Mr. Harris, who couldn't believe that Steve did so well on his own, you felt angry for him. He clearly already had insecurities about his smarts, and the rigid math teacher's accusations did not help.

"Like I always said, Steve, it's not the tutor," you say kindly. "I didn't go in and write that test for you. You did that yourself." Steve is trying not to show it, but your words make the butterflies wild in his stomach.

"I am, by the way," you tell him. "Going to try to become a teacher."

"In Hawkins?" he asks. He regrets the words immediately - maybe they seem too pushy for a girl not interested in opening up very much.

"Wherever will take me," you answer, unfazed.

The two of you share another smile, then the waiter drops off the bill. That doesn't stop your conversation, as you stay chatting in the emptying restaurant for another hour.

When you settle into the car and make your way down Main, you notice a line of red break lights. Traffic is at a complete standstill.

"What the hell..." Steve whispers. His heart tightens at the thought of it being something Upside Down-related.

He switches through radio stations, trying to find someone talking, and finally a couple minutes into a news station, he hears that a telephone pole collapsed, causing the slowdown but officials have said the repair won't take long. He breathes a sigh of relief.

"Everything ok?" you ask.

"Just glad it's not an accident or something worse," Steve admits. "Hawkins has been through enough."

You watch his profile, grinning to yourself at how kind he really is. He had told you about the Starcourt fire and how he had been there. You wish you were there to comfort him.

Steve looks over at you and you feel blood rush to your cheeks when you're caught staring.

"Steve has been through enough, too," you say, gazing ahead at the bumper in front of you. You don't see it, but he smiles at you and hopes you feel the same way about him that he does about you.

"I can turn around and take the outside roads?" he offers.

"Oh, it's okay, that'll take ages," you say. "I'm fine to wait if you are."

Within fifteen minutes of conversation, you feel yourself dozing off. The combination of studying all day and the darkness of the car makes your eyelids heavy. At this point, the car is slowly inching forward, as police let a few cars in your lane through, then a few in the opposite, but you are nodding off.

"No hard feelings if you want to nap," Steve says with a cute laugh. "I know you mentioned you had your head in a textbook since the morning."

"No," you say, a little too sternly. He tenses up a bit and swallows hard.

"Sorry, I-"

"Sorry," you interrupt. "It's not you. I just don't feel comfortable sleeping when people are around. A byproduct of the whole 'trust issues' thing."

Steve nods slowly, looking ahead, inching forward to follow the car in front of you. He gets the clearance to go into the opposite lane and can finally speed up.

"No problem," he says sincerely. "We're moving again so you'll be able to dream about math in your bed very shortly."

You laugh.

"You think I dream about math?" you ask.

"I still remember how excited you got about functions," Steve teases.

The two of you share light banter the rest of the short drive, but you're sure that after that outburst, Steve isn't interested anymore, and you scold yourself for thinking he could be trusted.

To your surprise, when he stops the car in front of your house, he rakes his hair back and looks at you with a small smile.

"Would you want to do this again?" Steve asks.

"Get teased about my love for math?" you reply.

"Yeah," Steve says with an adorable raise of his eyebrows.

"Yeah," you echo with a smile.

---

When the two of you make it official, you feel like you're living in a dream. Steve is kind of a perfect boyfriend - attentive, loving, and best of all, patient when your trust issues flare up and get the best of you.

When the Christmas break rolls around, the middle of the week lines up perfectly with your four-month anniversary since your first date.

Another thing you learned about Steve - he's very sentimental.

He plans a movie night at his apartment for that night and when you arrive, you smile when you see the fake pine tree you had helped him decorate just the weekend before.

"This side is way better, isn't it?" Steve asks, motioning to the left side - the one you had done - as you take your boots off.

"I think the perfectly-centered star on top beats it all," you say, remembering how carefully he had placed it.

Steve pulls you in for a tight hug, then gives you a tender kiss.

"Happy four months," he whispers. You smile and give him another kiss, his head in your hands, fingers brushing his soft hair.

Steve is much happier since he finally moved out of the house a month ago. You've definitely noticed a difference in the tension he would have when talking about his parents; if they weren't at home, they were grilling him about his future.

Here, in his small apartment, he's content. And you love seeing him like that.

You two settle on the couch and start your movie marathon, cuddled up and snacking. You didn't want to tell him just how tired you'd been - you felt you were just barely making it through your semester and he was so excited about this night that being exhausted might burst his bubble.

But five minutes into the first movie, you slip into your dreams.

When Steve notices your breathing deepen, he looks down to see you sleeping on his shoulder. His heart swells and warms at the sight. He gazes over your pursed lips and full eyelashes, and he swears that you look like an angel.

He stares ahead at the screen, afraid not to move, not to wake you.

These last four months with you have been his happiest. You'd told him you were slow to trust and he had no doubts that you were worth the wait.

When you wake up and realize you had fallen asleep on Steve, your heart fills with joy. Your mind and body had subconsciously decided he could be trusted.

"Good morning," he says sweetly. You rub your eyes and laugh, then shuffle to lie down on his lap, looking ahead at the screen. Steve grins, his fingers finding their way in your hair, lightly massaging at the roots.

"How long was I out for?" you ask.

"Only like ten minutes," he says.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" he asks, surprised.

"Falling asleep on our date."

Steve laughs. You turn to lie on your back, gazing up at your boyfriend's tender smile.

"You fell asleep on me," Steve states, a hint of wonder in his tone.

"I did," you say. He clearly understands the meaningfulness of what had just happened, and the care behind his eyes is impossible to miss.

"I trust you too, you know," Steve mumbles, calloused hand on your cheek. You nuzzle into his hand and laugh. "With my life. And with my grades."

"Same thing," you joke.

Steve looks down at you, his big hand on your cheek, his other in your hair, and wonders what he did to deserve you. Life had handed him quite a few curveballs the past few years, but you were his light at the end of the tunnel.

"What?" you ask, inquisitive about his stare.

"Just thinking about how much you mean to me," Steve says. "And how happy I am that I 're-met' you. You know, I always thought you were cute."

"I always thought you were cute."

He blushes at this.

"And I'm happy, too," you say. And it's the truth.

You never thought you could trust again, but Steve is living proof that it is possible. You don't know what will happen in the future, but your heart feels safe in Steve's hands.

---

Taglist: @calpurniatypes ; @rexorangecouny ; @slashersluttt ; @baker151910 ; @ultrunning ; @prettyboisteveharrington : @sunflowersturn ; @mychemicalsleep ; @milkiane ; @alicetweven ; @daenerystheradnotmad

#fic #steve harrington imagine #steve x reader #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington fan fic #steve harrington fanfiction #steve harrington x you #steve harrington x y/n #steve harrington and you #steve harrington and y/n #steve harrington and reader #steve harrington fluff #steve harrington imagines

[billgetsmewet]

2005 bill fluff PLLSSSSSSSS😩😩

Scent

a/n: ive been wanting to make a 2005 bill fluff bc hes the most precious being idc what yall say

i may or may not have included some of the corny shit me and my man do pls sophisticate my fucking phone from me

Youre sitting at your desk, quickly curling your lashes before putting your 3rd coat of mascara on.

You spray yourself with perfume, all over, knowing it was gonna be ruined by the smell of pure nicotine…

You got your bag, put on your shoes, right in time for you to catch your bus.

You were super excited today, you always are, ever since youve got some motivation to go to school everyday, even when sick or just hungover.

Today was your 1 month anniversary with Bill. You knew what he was gonna do, since he has been hinting it. He cant keep a secret for his life, but so have you. You already had your own bra strap on your hand, all ready to put it on his.

It was kinda crappy since you didnt know how to make it into a bracelet, but he was gonna figure it out, it wasnt your problem.

You arrive at school, and your friend is already waiting for you in the bus stop.

You two chat a bit before going for a quick smoke behind the school, you knew Bill would go that way with Tom.

It was perfect, your friend liked Tom and you liked Bill. It was like a corny 2010 romcom.

As you light your cigarette you see his silhouette appear.

You didnt want to give him the suprise just yet, you wanted to tease him. He hugs you, saying goodmorning before quickly heading to school, since he needed to copy homework for his first class.

You and your friend finish the cig and rush into school, already 5 minutes late. Luckily the teacher wasnt there yet, so you had time.

You finally finish the first class, already heading out to catch up with Bill in the quick break.

His eyes were practically begging for your gift as he had something in his hands himself, hiding it behind his back as he came down the stairs.

He had his eyes on your wrist, you smiled, sliding it over onto one of his hands as he smiled brightly. He handed you your gift aswell. He got one of his sweaters for you.

You hug him in excitement, kissing his cheek as you pull away.

You hear the bell ring and its as if you wont see him for a year after this, but you know hes going to call you out next break, like he always does.

-timeskip-

once you got home you put his sweater on.

It smelled heavenly. However, it was like 27 degrees celcius outside and you wouldnt be able to handle it. But you found a solution.

You took the hoodie off and slid it onto your pillow as a cover, so you would be able to smell his perfume while falling asleep.

———————————————————————

#bill kaulitz #tokio hotel #georg listing #gustav schäfer #tom kaulitz #bill kaulitz x reader #bill kaulitz fanfic #fluff #bill kaulitz fluff #2005 bill kaulitz #bill kaulitz 2005 #2000s #tokio hotel headcanons #bill kaulitz headcanons #headcanons #tokio hotel headcanon #bill kaulitz headcanon #headcanon #tokio hotel fanfic #fanfic

[foressfaction]

Toby and Clockwork

some headcanon takes on this relationship platonically and romantically

Mentions of Abuse and Self inflicted harm

Details of their stories

I'm just going to get straight into it and say right now that they have known eachother since they were still in school. If it's true that Toby had begun homeschooling when he just turned 16 that would put him right at the end of freshman year (his birthday being in April)

This being said, they would've seen each other around for a good..3 years maybe? Attending the same school since primary. Natalie found interest in him first, finding out that he also took a liking to drawing and doodling. It had never occurred to her what kind of kid he was or his social status until maybe 8th grade. (they'd both be 15 with some months apart)

Natalie never wanted to approach him since she had always struggled with making friends and interacting in general but always found his existence almost aspiring. It wasn't until later down the road that Toby would begin to also begin taking notice of her and her interests when she'd be getting picked on aloud for it occasionally.

Both of them were extremely awkward, too nervous to ever make the first interaction and actually get close to maybe becoming friends. This of course disregarding everything going on at home for the two, as personal business was usually kept to themselves unless brought out some other way.

They two never actually interacted until they began to share classes and eventually school work. Natalie definitely let him copy off her homework and he'd usually bring her cool drawings or nick nacks from the woods near his house. Eventually bumping into each other in the same woods a few times. (turns out they live in the same area) both were lower class families so it wasn't a surprise that they lived so close, it was maybe a 10 minute walk to each other's house, even faster on bike. Natalie had a bike actually, and she used it all the time just to drive by his house on it to see if he'd be looking out of the window like she'd catch him doing it from time to time. It wasn't long till she was introduced to Lyra and his mother. Natalie never did get suspicious about the lack of mention for his father. And he never questioned her about her own parents either. I just know they definitely went down to the local library and would just randomly pull out books that have a silly name or cover image just to sit and make fun of scenes or the idea of it. (i feel they would absolutely eat up the world record books and your mom joke comics)

It was like when they were together time had stopped and nothing mattered anymore.

Sadly though of course we know what happens, as they grew older they fell apart due to Toby becoming homeschooled and Natalie having to move to a new house due to the poor condition of her older one. He stopped seeing her ride down his street, seeing her in the woods, she wasn't able to contact him due to not having access to his landline phone and (since this was back in the 90s which is my personal take,) communication was extremely hard for them. Toby began to assume that she just didn't care for him anymore and that she moved on. He hadn't known she was moving as she was just too sad to tell him, and hoped that he would find out some other way, which ended up backfiring back onto her as now he had no idea what had happened, and now assumes that she hates him.

After his sister passed, memories of Natakie began to fade one by one until eventually he didn't even remember her name. He had developed memory problems, only worsening with each day. She doesn't exist to him at this current moment.

During this time was when he was the most vulnerable, the most in need of a friend.

Natalie wasn't doing all too well either, her situation at home and the constant neglect and anger she was facing only made her spiral down a dark oath. Almost identically tied with Toby’s. It was the same force, the same drive and motive speaking to them. By now we know the story, murder the parents and run away.

It really wasn't till years later (specifically 2 years) they finally ran into each other again, but the memories are gone, nothing but malice and sorrow filled their hearts.

I like to think they first met again with a good fight. Toby ended up ‘winning’ this said fight only to the surprise of Nat that he cannot feel physical pain. This interested her to the point of just calling the duel off and began to ask a ton of questions. Toby found her curiosity almost amusing and led both himself and her down a rabbit hole of the forest and why he's here (what he remembers at least) and she occasionally spits out a bit of her own story (also from what she remembers)

The questions were related to her eye, why weapon choice, favorite color. Cheesy shit. He mostly asked the cheesy shit….

It was obvious the two lacked communication skills.

And we just start over from there.. If anything was destined to be together, it was these two. (platonically or romantic, take that as you please. )

Now as for my actual headcanons for their shipped relationship? Based on the canon art I've seen of them, they seem nothing more than just a regular couple, honestly. Millennial humor, matching couple shirts,probably crack horrible jokes they don't even remember reading or learning about. We can't forget that this was an actual healthy relationship. Yeah they're both psychotic and murderers but I see them more as anti heroes. Even though they did unspeakable things, Nat just does it out of spite and anger, not actually meaning to ruin anything, having bad borderline spirals and manic episodes while on Toby’s end, he's completely forced to do it until his body cannot stand anymore. They see humanity in each other and are the light and entertainment they both crave.

And man Toby entertains the absolute shit out of Natalie. He would have her naming different types of plants and tree bark, would once more surprise her with his silly little finds like random ass reptiles and animal skulls. He actually gave her a crow skull that she keeps as a necklace. He always said it suited her style. Keep in mind this is all still as them being friends.

They never actually understood what love actually was, and what it meant for the normal everyday person, but they sure showed in. Her live language is physical touch and affection while his was overall the same just also gifts and names. He was a typical loser just trying to remain relevant and liked while she was also just trying to hold onto the little bit of sanity she had left, and he was a good reason to sometimes calm down.

Now of course they had their bad moments where she would let the anger take control and begin to act like a mean old boss at a minimum wage job. It didn't help that Toby was a snarky person and made remarks that only made her even more mad.

“You're literally doing it wrong and it's going to screw everything up!”

“oh please, that's your OCD talking.”

There were occasions where she would get physically violent and throw things at Toby. She actually bloodied his forehead after throwing one of her daggers right at him, being lucky it actually didn't take him out.

These manic episodes usually ended in her apologizing profusely. He never questioned her behavior because he was so used to being mistreated that he only found it to be normal, and always resorted to the question of if he deserved it. Yeah sometimes the mither fucker did deserve it but at the same time.

With Toby however he had just enough willpower to never truly hurt Nat but he would gesture to doing so occasionally when they're having an argument. He'd raise his weapons as if he were to strike or would ball up his fists. He never did lay a violent hand on Nat no matter how angry she would make him or how angry he already was. He's the type of person to completely shut the world out when upset, which was good on her end.

This was for when they were angry however when feeling emotional, like sad for example. He'd want the opposite. His behavior is like how people stereotype most women to be. He'll say he wants to be left alone but throw a fit if you actually did. When he's in this state it's actually dangerous to leave him alone without a distraction. His mind begins to wander and therefore results in a gory mess. He'd unintentionally self harm by chewing at his hands or scratching himself with sharp objects. There's been many times where Nat had to stop him from doing so, both being in tears. She has a past with self harm, which is why she did what she did to her own face, but to see someone she started to genuinely care about do it brought out a whole new side to her.

In short, they're both still internally just kids wanting to survive but on the outside they had to appear tough and ready for anything or else deemed useless and pathetic..

It wasn't until Toby began to question the relationship that it truly became romantic honestly. He knew some things but still did jot grasp the full concept of love. He would tease Nat constantly, flirting if you'd like to call it, and she'd return this behavior, catching him off guard and embarrassing him. This was probably the peak of their relationship.

“So what's it like constantly ticking?”

“i can ask you the same thing”

“shut the fuck up”

I feel they'd constantly play fight, aggressive love language??? Technically one would straight out insult the other but in a playful way while the other wouldn't seem offended but return the same energy. They would definitely do random shit.

It would be a normal busy day and Toby just points out a random squirrel, and if Nat looks at it, he just tackles her. He definitely gets stimmy to the point he would have the human equivalent to zoomies. He'd randomly start love bombing her and hugging her for long amounts of time. He also sometimes does this if he wants something…so it's hard to tell sometimes.

Nat doesn't like the bread crust but Toby would eat that just alone, so i feel like after peeling the crust off her fuckin sandwich she would just out the off in a whole new plate just for him. He eats that shit up every time too.

Nat: “you're so difficult just eat the peanut butter with jelly– that's what NORMAL people do”

Toby:“i hate jelly you know this :(“

Nat: “oh my god give me the damn sandwich.you only peanut butter eating bitch”

#creepypasta #slenderverse #foressfaction #ticci toby #toby rogers #creepypasta headcanon #clockwork #Spotify #ticciwork

[munnaitorei]

Hey, can I get Chuuya x Reader? The reader is female and has some girl thing, u know (period). I started my period, and I think it's the worse period I have ever had this time because my college and organization are stressing me out :(

I need to rest sometime, y'know?!

pairing: Chuuya x Reader

genre: comfort, fluff

cw/tw: none (period cramp maybe)

summary: you have some problems that also collide with your period cramps, making you lose motivation to do.

Note: I hope you feel better soon, and thank you for requesting the first anonymous. I also experienced the same thing. So let me write that so that you can feel better :)

BSD Masterlist

The period just started, and today was day three of your killing. You admitted that day two and three was the worst pain, according to people. So now, you were lying without no motivation today. Your college was killing you, with homework and exams you had to finish. Not only that, but your organization was calling you to do this and do that.

"Fuck you, period!" you cursed. "Why do I, as a female, suffer this and male don't!"

Moody, as always, since the period was like a drug controlling your entire body. Yet, you still dare to chat with your organization friend about your work. But after that, you lie down again, but this time in the bean bag that Chuuya bought for both of you to relax.

"Baby, I'm home," a man called your pet name. "Where are you, hon?"

As Chuuya walked into the place, he found you lying on the stuff with your pouted face. Well, he wasn't stupid; you also told him that you have some period. A few days ago, you were busy finding your favorite shabby sheets. This confused him because as much as Koyo taught him, he never knew this.

"What was that for?"

"Uhm, sorry for putting the shabby sheet on your bed," you scratch your head nervously. "But it's for preventing me from making a mess in your bed."

"Mess?"

"You know," you shyly said. "B-Blood."

After that, Chuuya understood what you were struggling with right now. He also understood that you didn't like to use tampons, but you enjoyed using pads. And another thing, last night he caught your sleeping at 3 AM, overthinking about your college.

"Babe, c'mon," he said, brushing your shoulder to give you a sign. "You need to rest. You can think and do about it tomorrow. For now, let's get you to sleep, yeah?."

And, of course, you complied with his request, which ended today. Chuuya let you sleep until 11 AM because he knew you needed a good nap. The good thing was that you don't have a class today too.

"Hey," he walked to your side. "Did you take a good sleep?"

"Maybe."

Then you tried to get up from the bean bag as you groaned.

"Do you need help?"

"No, Chuuya," you pushed him away. "I can do it by myself."

Chuuya didn't push you further and instead observed you from afar. He saw that you looked like a sloth, very different from your usual self. The moment he saw you try to work again was when he lectured at you like a mom.

"Y/N, can you please stop for one day?" he said. "You can just think about your college and organization, but you also need to think about your body."

"Chuuya, can you just please not be a mom for once?!"

"What the hell are you shouting at me?!" Chuuya snapped. "I was only trying to help you!"

You feel guilty, and so you hide your face from him. "I-I'm so sorry, everything is so hard for me."

"Y/N, take a rest for once," Chuuya said. "I'll take you everywhere. Just say the word: the park, the museum, the library, whatever. I just want to spend time with you so you won't be burned out with your college thingy.

And then, you broke down by crying at his words for you. Last month, you remember that you had this period colliding with some stuff too. However, you felt so overwhelmed, but no one was there to support you. You know that your people were busy doing their stuff instead listening to your problem.

"Babe, what's wrong?" Chuuya quickly rushed to your side as he held your body. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have snapped at you!"

"No, no, no," you said as you cried. "I just remembered last year."

"What about it?"

"Last year, I had nobody to care for me," you said as you wiped your tears away. "I was in no good condition, yet I had to fight my way even though I need someone to lean on.

So you tried to explain to him what was happening with your life. Your college, your friend, your organization, your life, and also your pain has collided at the same. And that results in you having a mental breakdown right now telling that you don't deserve this beautiful life too.

"Baby..." he hugged you tightly.

"I was the one who should say I'm sorry for snapping at you because of my mood swing."

"Hmm, you don't need to apologize," Chuuya said as he put his head on his head. "I know what's going on. Anyway baby, I know what we should do to make you feel motivated."

"You do?"

"Yeah, let's have our time together," Chuuya said as he saw you smile a bit. "Eat ice cream together as we cuddle and watch a funny movie that will cher you up, alright baby?"

You nodded happily as he kissed your cheeks.

NOTE AGAIN: I hope you like it, and I am also not in a good situation right now. But let's fight this pain together; you are not alone :)

Anyways, I really wish I had a boyfriend like Chuuya :')

(EDITED)

#chuuya nakahara #chuya nakahara #chuuya #nakahara #nakahara chūya #nakahara chuuya #chuuya comfort #chuuya fluff #chuuya fanfic #bongou stray dogs #bsd #bsd chuuya #bsd fic #bsd fandom #bsd fanfic #bsd comfort #bsd fluff

[faeriekit]

Hey gang. So:

1) If I ask a yes or no question about something I’m posting, a. I don’t need two paragraphs about your reasoning as to why you have this opinion, especially if the update it’s about is already posted and isn’t going to change. A “yes, cool” or “nah, not really” will suffice. b. I don’t need four different responses about how much you dislike the direction I’ve taken, and neither do I need to see attempts to rope in other users to have you...actually change their mind? It’s perfectly fine to dislike my writing or one of my writing products. But make your own post about it, please, so I don’t get blasted with six different critiques simultaneously in my notes. This is a boundary I am about to enforce via blocking, because:

2) Writing fanfic is a personal hobby and mode of de-stressing of mine. I’m not a professional writer. I am using tumblr as a mode of publishing, so clearly this isn’t that deep. I have to keep it not-that-deep for personal reasons, because the literal instant that this becomes work, or worse, an actual stressor, my brain shuts down any creative interest and I go back into anhedonia mode. If anhedonia has never been on your symptoms sheet before...it sucks. It really does.

3) I work eleven hour days. I am in my final semester of grad school. I have homework to do nightly. The finals due this month will determine the course of my career. This fic has largely turned my eleven hour days to thirteen-to-fifteen hour days when I include meals. The turnaround on Blister Pack has been incredibly short, considering the daily update pattern. It’s okay to not like raspberry scones or whatever you want this metaphor to be, but if I offer you raspberry scones after spending my only free time baking them and your response is to tell me the mistakes I’ve made in the process, then. Well. I’m certainly not going to consider baking my fun hobby I do with friends anymore.

I’m not going to blame anyone for this. This is not anyone’s fault. Since BP has largely gotten ten times more popular than I ever imagined it would be, I’m ngl, I was largely expecting something to go wrong way earlier than this. This is about how I will proceed in the future and how I hope we can get along in the future. Feel free to read. Feel free to dislike. Feel free to-- idk, make your own post where you get vocal about where my writing goes and why you personally don’t like it. Sure. Just don’t make me see it and...what, expect me to uproot the story? Rewrite it to match your personal view of the media and of the fic? I don’t always know what people’s intention are when they comment this tbh; if I dislike a fic, I just stop reading. 

Anyway, the block button is on the table as far as options go, but I trust the vast majority of you and we clearly haven’t had problems about this previously. Blister Pack is finished in its word doc. I just have to trick my brain into thinking that posting the ending isn’t a threat to my internal wellbeing.

Thank you for reading the little I write, thank you for the well-intentioned comments, even if I couldn’t receive them in the manner you intended; and thank you for sharing your thoughts and interests when you have the energy. I often feel as though writing is very isolating, and though I often get too overwhelmed to respond, I have read every single individual comment that has been sent to me. Comments. Tags. Replies. Everything. You’re the glue that’s been holding my motivation together to finish this for once.

Once Blister Pack is posted, this will be the first fic I have finished since...since I wrote my first fic a decade ago. Fucking Hells. 🥂

#it's the symptoms disorder man #if I could fix it I would #faer nonsense

[sylvies-kablooie]

I hope the anonymous ask doesn’t get ruined for you! There are so many rude people for no reason :(

What are your thoughts on the new episode? How do you think the next one will go?

thanks so much! this is gonna be lengthy so i'm gonna put an expand thingy if i can- never have done it before so bear w me lol. below the read more will be my hot takes regarding Dox, Victor, pie scene, etc

if i can get enough work done this weekend, i'm hoping to give some of the new episodes a rewatch. when i see them for the first time, my brain can get really caught up on what is happening what is happening that it prevents me from taking in the finer details that make the show so enjoyable. i think this has been compounded by s2 focusing a lot more heavily on racing the plot forward rather than allowing for characters to process things slowly, so i would like to give them another go knowing what will happen and having my fine-detail lenses on.

that being said, the new episode did catch me off guard! i knew a plot twist was coming because it had been teased, but the victor spagettification was NOT what i saw coming and it actually made my jaw drop. i had assumed the spaghetti line to be a throwaway one so having it actually pay off was wild. it was a noble end for victor, although i wish we had gotten a chance to spend more time with him because i thought he was very compelling.

something i was conflicted on was taking Dox and her group back into the TVA and then having b-15 ask them to come back because she knows deep down they are good after they had just killed an unknown number of people and we saw them witnessing that grief in real time (this was especially the case w B-15, who was heartbroken!). narratively speaking i didn't find that super compelling and others have addressed their problems with that better than i have. HOWEVER dox and the others being squished? was also not what i saw coming, especially after that wtf thing between Dox and Brad. i have no idea if we'll ever get answers on that! but i wish we got to see more of Dox- maybe she'll come back around.

sylvie yelled at mobius, people got mad at his, but it was clearly building up to something that is going to pay off in a later episode. and honestly- was she wrong? why is he being so chill about this all? this is going to be investigated later, and i would venture to guess it's because he's pretending everything is fine and cool when in reality all he knows and loves is collapsing around him. seeing that lead to discourse rather than people understanding it as foreshadowing made me lose a little faith in people's media literacy LMAO.

sylvie. my beloved. we saw her smile over killing HWR and I thought that was really interesting, something i will probably write a whole meta on later- hint: i think she is both genuinely proud of and sorrowful over her actions. her conversation with loki in the pie room was something i highly enjoyed. hope is hard. that being said, i was hoping for more dialogue between them. they're still circling everything. BE BRAVE AND SAY WHAT U WANT TO SAY LOKI. BUT them teaming up against Brad was LEGENDARY. screaming "turn it off"? are you kidding me!!!! LOVED IT. Loved the "Are you okay" and "tech savvy" callbacks. mwah it was so good.

i have no idea what the new episode will bring beyond hopefully that bar scene finally and also the scene where sylvie gets to listen to her records because those were featured in the trailer and we still haven't gotten them yet! obviously it isn't the end of the world, but what does it mean? a great question! was the TVA all for nothing? how would that impact our characters, realizing everything they knew was a lie? great motivation i hope we will have time to explore!

thanks so much for the ask and allowing me to ramble! i hope to have more time to go over things again with an even finer toothed comb, so if i can get all my homework done you can expect more analysis :)

#thanks for the ask! #loki #loki series #loki show #loki tv show #loki tv #sylvie #sylvie laufeydottir #loki s2 #answered #juni answers

[eldritchsurveys]

1195.

Do you think the sound of rain is soothing? >> It can be, but not all rain sounds the same. Also, it depends on what it's hitting.

Have you ever eavesdropped on someones conversation? >> I have.

Do you still play the slugbug no slugbug back game? >> I rarely played it in the first place (like, one or two occasions, maybe? I know what it is but I don't have much of a memory of actually playing it).

Has anyone ever told you to grow up? >> Of course. An absurd thing to say, if you ask me, but whatever.

Have you ever had a staring contest with a pet? xP It’s fun! >> Sure. I usually win. :p

When you were little did you measure yourself alot to see how much you grew? >> I did not.

Do you always win or lose at the silence game? .

Have you ever tried to read in the dark? >> Many times. Was a big reader as a child, comes with the territory.

Have you ever felt guilty when someone close to you died? >> I don't remember if guilt was a thing I felt. I'm not sure I could even categorise the specific feelings I had, I was not at all emotionally intelligent at that time.

Don’t you hate it when you start to feel hungry just after you brushed your teeth? >> I always think this is going to happen to me but it rarely does.

Have you ever ate a bug? >> I have.

Have you ever got a piece of glass stuck in your foot? >> I have not.

Do you think apple jacks is a good cereal? >> I don't know, I haven't had it in many many years.

Do you make excuses alot or know someone that does? . Do you think pit bulls are as mean as everyone says they are? >> I'm sure some are, for various reasons, but I don't think it's a rule.

Have you ever done something that gave someone the wrong impression? >> Of course.

Has someone ever gave you something then took it back? >> I do have the feeling that that's happened to me before, but I can't remember the circumstance.

Have you ever had a wardrobe malfunction? >> I did. At least two members of the band Sevendust have seen my tits as a result.

At this age you are now, have you colored in a coloring book & had fun? >> Sure.

Have you ever had a bubble bath? >> As a child, I'm sure, but not after that.

When eating, are you more concerned with the taste or healthiness? >> The taste. Have you ever shoved stuff under your bed to make your room look clean? >> I have not.

Do your fingers ever get tired from typing? >> They don't; I am very habituated to typing and I'm sure I could do it for hours with no problem. Now, writing, on the other hand. 💀

Have you ever tried picking up an item with your foot? >> I have.

What’s your opinion on sporks? >> I don't like them, they're the worst of both worlds.

If you had nowhere else to go, which friend of yours would let u stay over? .

Do you know anyone who has been a victim of a drunk driver? >> I do not.

Don’t you hate it when people try to act like they know it all? >> I don't know anyone that tries to act like this. I think maybe this is an over-reported phenomenon that is more often based upon fundamental misunderstanding of people's actual motivations in sharing knowledge than based on actual cases of people flaunting their knowledge to seem superior. Are you nosy? >> I am.

Is there someone that makes your life hell? >> Not currently.

Have you ever been ditched by your friends? >> Probably.

If someone could see into your heart, what do you think they would see? .

Has someone ever sneaked up on you & scared the shit out of you? >> More often accidentally than purposefully, but yeah.

How long does it take you to brush your teeth? >> Judging by the vibrating of my toothbrush, usually around a minute, minute thirty. I get too impatient and bored for the whole two minutes most of the time. Surely it can't take two whole minutes anyway, like, come on. Have you ever went to bed angry at someone? >> Absolutely. Who do you call when you forget what your homework assignment is? .

Do you interrupt people while they’re speaking? >> Sometimes, sure, if I get excited enough. I prefer not to, though.

Are you a rulebreaker? >> I can be.

What would you do if you became an overnight celebrity? >> Immediately set about figuring out how to stop being an overnight celebrity.

Do you know someone who can’t keep a secret? . Have you ever walked into a room & all eyes were on you? >> Possibly.

What would you do if someone forbid you to see the 1 you love? .

Do you believe everyone has a twin out there somewhere? >> I don't think so.

Have you ever felt replaced? >> Sure.

Do you show your true colors? .

What would you do if your best friend was marrying someone you can’t stand? . what would you do if your car got impounded? .

Do you lose your patience easily? >> Not really.

Do you think putting paper in a shredder is fun? >> It can be, I guess.

Are there any weird or creepy legends about the area you live in? >> I don't know, I haven't been paying attention.

What would you do if a skunk sprayed you? >> Lose my goddamn fucking mind. That would suck so bad.

Would you drink a gallon of sour milk for $250? >> Fuck no. Has someone ever thrown something at you & it landed down your shirt? >> Probably.

What makes you feel sensational? .

What toys did you play with in the bathtub as a kid? .

Do you like jumping off diving boards? .

Do you follow ingredients when you cook or do u do what you think is right? >> I follow recipes for things I've never made before, but even then I tend to default to my own judgement especially about shit like how much spices to add.

Do you space out a lot? >> Not a lot.

Do energy drinks make you feel jittery? >> I don't know, I prefer not to drink those. On the recent occasion that I had a Red Bull for kicks, it didn't make me feel anything specific. Do you have anything you want to confess to? .

Have you ever been to summer camp? >> Only day camp (as a child, anyway; I've attended overnight camps as an adult).

Do you wear name brands? >> I don't think anything I own is of a recognisable brand unless it's a store brand (like Hot Topic or Old Navy). Are you good at bingo? >> I don't think you can be good at bingo? It's kinda random, innit.

#surveys #survey #random survey

[azsazz]

Kind of a personal question so feel free to ignore it but have u ever dated anyone? What was ur first relationship like?

Oooh getting deep I see.

Sooooo, this is actually like not a great story...and i basically just word vomited my life on here 😅

TW: mentions of poor mental/physical health, cancer

Yeah, I've only been in one relationship and it lasted for 3 years (too long) lol.

It was great at the start. I'd met him when I went away for college and we were friends which is what I liked the most. We met at a karaoke bar my school had that my friends and I would go to every Thursday night and so would he and his friends so we all kind of became this large group that did that almost every week.

And it was my first relationship ever you know so I was all dumb and head over heels and the whole thing was just a mess looking at it now. My family and friends didn't like him and I became a terrible friend because I would basically spend all of my time with him and not them, so when we broke up I had like no friends of my own because we would only hang out with his friends and that's a whole other mess I won't get into haha.

But basically we were together and things just got worse and worse. He was very jealous and overbearing, had to know where I was and what I was doing all of the time and when we first got together he would tell me what he was doing all of the time and I'd be like okay? I don't need (or care) to know what you're doing all of the time, that was just a natural thing for him I guess. So then he conditioned me to basically be the same way and it was awful and I hated it.

Eventually, things were so stressful. I'd gained so much weight and I was deeply unhappy. All of my relationships were strained and I had no one to turn to. If we fought I'd basically have nowhere to go if I needed time to get away. He chased me down in his car once when all I wanted was some space to think.

Towards the end of our relationship I was literally the most miserable person ever. I hated everything and I started feeling even worse. I got a cold around my 22nd birthday and then that turned into something much worse. I kept getting sicker and sicker and I had no idea why. The doctors I went to thought I had an ear infection, then bronchitis, then that again. They just kept giving me medication for things that weren't helping.

I'd be freezing cold at night but wake up sweatier than ever.

And one day I literally just blurted out during a fight that we should just break up and then we did.

I lost like 30 pounds in a week but was sicker than a dog and I thought it was just because I was sad or whatever and I went to a therapist who literally said to me "Why are you so negative?" I'll never forget that. like lady i'm here to tell you about my problems what fucking part of that is positive?

Like legit I could barely go to class because I was so sick, I had no motivation to do anything. I'd go to class, come home, and go to bed. I barely even did homework because I had no energy.

I visited my brother at his school which was five hours from mine and my parents were there visiting him for a weekend and by the end when it was time for me to drive myself back I started bawling my eyes out and pleading to my parents that i didn't want to because I felt so awful it was the last thing I wanted to do.

Fast forward to thanksgiving break, i went to see another doctor in my hometown because I was still sick (so it started september and it was now november) and she said lets wait a few more weeks, see if this goes away and we'll check again at winter break (december).

So i go back to school and am miserable and finish my classes and I come home at christmas break and am trying my best to tough it out. I was literally the most miserable person on the planet i can't stress this enough how awful i felt. I had no energy to do anything, I'd be so angry at everyone for no reason, and I'd had a terrible cough, nothing was going alright.

At the time my two other siblings were still at school so it was my parents, my little brother, and i. My mom said "if you want to go to the hospital let me know." and i had a friend over at the time so i tried to tough it out but in the end i wanted to go to the hospital.

Basically they told me that I had stage 4 cancer (Non-Hodgkins lymphoma) and man I was in utter shock.

And then I had to leave school to get treatment so I moved back home for that.

So basically long story short I haven't been in a relationship (or even kissed/slept with anyone) since (4 years now, im 26 😳) because now I have this irrational fear that I'll get sick again or something and I just like don't even know how to talk to people or want to talk to them. And I just don't want any of that shit to happen again so idk what im doing with my life in terms of relationships lol.

But I've been in recovery since the middle of 2019 so I am very grateful for that.

sorry for the longest answer in the world that really took a turn. if you read all the way through thank you 💙

And if you should ever need someone to talk to about anything, I am here for you 100% 💙💙

[mikeyelistsukasa]

I canno sleep, can u do akane sakura & yashiro x s/o who doesn't take care of himself, and ends up taking everything out on someone random, and likes to create fights to get away from his problems??? thanks

Feel free to deny, but if u acept i'll be like

But if u deny

/joke

Ok this has nothing to do with manga akane so i can write for him! Sorry that i couldn’t write it sooner pls dont turn into a emo lion :,(((😔💔⛓

Sakura akane and yashiro with a Darling that doesn’t take care of himself and lets his anger out on others

This might sound heartbreaking but-

She didn’t do much at the beginning even though she could see that you are in a bad state

But it eventually got worse so she couldn’t look at it any longer

She isn’t heartless as she looks like i swear

At least to the people she cares about

She will have more tea “parties” so that you eat at least some biscuits

But she isn’t that dumb

She knows this isn’t enough

So sometimes she brings you a bento with some healthy food

Don’t refuse unless you want to be greeted with a book in your face

Some small exercises

And by that it means her just watching how you run around a bit

“Ohhhhhh why is he running around?”

“He has been having trouble to take care of yourself and exercising is important”

“IM GONNA JOIN HIM”

now you run faster because tsukasa is behind you floating looking as if he is about to murder you

She usually doesn’t like the fact that you lash out your anger/problems on others by fighting

She prefers it when people can talk it through

Since she doesn’t like to get involved into those fights she asks natsuhiko to get you out of there

“What a bummer i really wanted to see the fight…”

Tells you to just come to her next time you feel like getting aggressive

She has her own methods to calm you down

Shesh where do i even start

He would also notice right away

But he would also start to try helping you asap

Since he doesn’t want it to get worse

Would investigate by visiting (if its possible) your house/apartment

He is unsure of his cooking

So he brought it once for you

If he saw just the slightest disgust on your face he will never bring you his food anymore

Instead he would bring you snacks from some supermarket

Well at least you eat something

Whoever your enemy is

Is now his enemy too

But begs you to get a hold of yourself and not fight

“S/o honey we can talk this out!”

“No we can NOT akane”

Ofc he got in trouble for “not paying good attention”

But he would comfort you if you ever feel bad for getting him in trouble. Or for punching an innocent person

“H-hey its alright! I get your struggle”

Honestly had at least once hoped that you’d punch teru out of anger

“Oh my gosh im so sorry minamoto senpai!”

“It’s alright i understand you had a bad day”

Akane in the corner: *evil snickering noises while making eye contact with teru*

She can relate a bit when it comes to not taking care of themselves

But she needed a bit more unlike these two to realise that you aren’t feeling good

Wether its someone telling her or her getting the hint herself

Also would take action asap

Aaaaaand is also insecure about her cooking remembering the incident with teru

But she would be really good at motivating you

„S/o-kun lets go somewhere fun like a café!“

„Maybe go to the beach?“

„We can do our homework at my place! I have a cute hamster at home!“

Was scared the first time you punched someone

„S/o!!! Why did you do that????“

Would never get used to it

„Yashiro! have you heard there is a new fight with s/o and r/n!“

„What?!? Are you serious aoi?????? Ugh not again T-T“

She kinda likes to bandage you up instead of you going to the nurses office

„You’ve got to be more careful s/o!!! What if you get serious injured??“

„Sorry yashiro.couldnt hold back my anger“

She just hugs you thingly

„You can always talk to me you know…“

She pushed you away

And you were a bit shocked at what she was about to say

„Besides.you can always punch hanako if you feel like it! That jerk deserved it anyway…“

You couldn’t help yourself but to just laugh at her silly remark

„I’ll make sure to keep that in mind“

Thanks for your wonderful request i hope i left you satisfied as always please visit again!

#tbhk x reader #tbhk x y/n #x reader #jshk x reader #jshk yashiro #tbhk sakura x reader #jshk sakura #tbhk sakura #tbhk akane #tbhk aoi #yashiro x reader #akane x reader #aoi x reader #sakura x reader

[thatseventiesbitch]

Hi! I hope this isn’t too weird. I know you work with high school students, so you might be able to help. Do you have any tips to get motivated? I find myself struggling to do my assignments— even the easy ones that take less than an hour.

Thank you for helping if you see/answer this.

Hello! No problem. I am happy to put on my school counselor hat for a moment. 🤠

First, my dear - you need discipline, not motivation. And do not feel bad - you're not the only one who struggles with task initiation and/or procrastination. It's highly, highly common - even in adults. That's why building skills and habits that work for you now, as a high schooler, will serve you well.

A few tips/tricks I go over with my students:

If you have long-term projects or assignments, map out mini-deadlines for yourself along the way so it doesn't feel as overwhelming and you don't ever get into a situation where you have to like, write a 20 page paper in one afternoon (i.e. I'll write the introduction paragraph today, have the first two body paragraphs done by Tuesday, then add the conclusion on Thursday, then review the essay before I turn it in on Friday)

When you sit down to work on a task you don't like (i.e. math homework) give yourself a chunk of time - for instance, I will work on this for an hour and a half. When the hour and a half is up, I will [be finished for the day/take a brain break/move on to a different task]. Give it your all for the time you've dedicated to the task, and then when the timer is up, let yourself walk away even if it is not complete. You can come back and do more tomorrow. (The kicker is that a lot of the time you are so close to finishing anyway, that you just decide to wrap it up.)

Take brain breaks! Breaks between tasks. It's important to get up, physically move around, and to look away from the computer screen/notebook/textbook you've been so intensely concentrating on. Take care of your human needs. Do a little high energy dance party. Pet an animal. Get outside. Although sometimes my brain breaks end up being permission to scroll the internet/tumblr/reddit/tik-tok/what-have-you for ten minutes before I get back to the grind.

Do what you can to make study time/your study space feel welcoming/inviting/a place you want to be. For some kids, studying with a friend in a coffee shop all afternoon is what works. Some need to be alone, but like to have certain music/podcast playing or a certain snack they only get for themselves when they study. I've even had some kids tell me they like to scroll through, like, study blogs/study aesthetics to get them in the right mindset before they start.

If you don't already, use some sort of an assignment notebook or write out the list of assignments you have to complete. Put a checkbox next to each one, and cross it off when you complete it. Sounds silly/minor, but your brain gets a little shot of dopamine each time you do, and that feeling is exactly what will keep you going!

Additionally, I like to share this story from one of my favorite books of all time - Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott:

"Thirty years ago, my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he'd had three months to write. It was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother's shoulder, and said, "Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird."

To this day, this is the phrase I tell myself when I feel overwhelmed and/or immobilized by the task in front of me - "Okay, let's take it bird by bird." Aka, just start. Aka, one thing at a damn time. Aka, the only way forward is forward.

#thanks for the ask! #Good luck #You've got this #Other #Personal-ish #ask #answered #anon

[midnightmisadventures]

Just putting this here for archival purposes for when I'm looking back wondering what was going on in this stretch

....THIS IS REALLY HARD

Idk I just want it know that this stretch of time feels like...the hardest ever as far as needing like strength, resilience, and a genuine motivation to want to keep getting better and changes and improvements

Like I'm so blessed ofc

But work is so hard and stressful and CONSISTENTLY makes me confront my biggest fears and also accept my biggest flaws. My biggest struggles are.....to be human and let other people see me struggle for one

So being vulnerable and transparent. Gentle parenting myself bc I want to commit su*c*de every time I make a minor mistake

Which is always. Because I'm a baby in this industry and I'm learning how to have a career?? Like I don't get why I'm so hard on myself when im.doing this for the first time but anyway

Generally, this is the most anxious/depressed/ and adhd since high-school and even then daily tasks were overwhelming. And I just had homework

Now with the addys I'm experimenting with all of my medicine at once and I feel like my body is this guinea pig and I'm overwhelmed bc the people who want to see me get better want a constant assessment. (Or I at least feel pressure that they do) And I don't even know what feelings are mine and not? What's normal, what's not. I don't know what things are supposed to feel like

How many pills are too many pills to take?? I'm getting an ulcer. If you're wondering why I feel so alone and confused about medicines it's because my psychiatrist is an IDIOT!! Like does not care if I'm dead or alive and I'm not kidding that man doesn't bother to remember my name.

Oh yea I have an eating disorder again!! That's been fun. Imagine being the most insecure I've ever been about my weight but I can't eat? And the pressure of having so many pills to take and your body not letting you eat is so hard

But shh don't tell anyone I'm struggling with food cause I've been begging to get on a medicine that's an appetite suppressant

(In my defense it was prescribed to me knowing my problems with food) (but also my psychiatrist is an idiot)

Hmmm let's see oh yea my abscess is back!? So much pain on my chest and I can't take off commuting 4 hours to work and back because I already did that this week to deal with my mental breakdown ✨️💅

So.....it's been hard there's a lot. Lots and lots of crying and self numbing.

But this wasn't to complain. I just want to note that yes the blog is empty but I'm proud of myself for literally just getting up everyday and trying to makes thing better. And trying and trying and trying. When sometimes I feel like giving up (and going to the psychward)

And it's been really hard to hate myself for feeling like a basket case who can't live like an adult.....

See everything's flipped 😏

[adhdrexic]

9/12/23

Diary post

well, the past few days I've stayed under 2000 cals which is progress from the 3000+ ive been eating for the past year. im not at the point of weight LOSS yet, but i am maintaining instead of gaining, and thats progress.

its been hard to admit that i have BED as someone whos been anorexic for nearly a decade. nobody talks about how painful it is to feel yourself losing control and not even understanding how to get it back.

my binge eating began because i was so unsatisfied with life that food became the only thing that provided me with dopamine, and it quickly became an addiction. now, its been a year, and im sober off drugs, but not off bingeing. i feel more unhealthy than i ever felt starving and popping stims 5x a day.

throughout the process of developing BED, everyone around me told me constantly how proud they were of my weight gain with no clue about my total lack of self control. they told me how healthy i looked, when in truth, im the most unhealthy ive ever been. and these comments fueled the FUCK out of me to just.. not stop. after all, im healing, right? im getting better?

it took me about 5 months before i was truly aware i had a problem. i had gained 15 pounds and i was happy with that. but then i gained another 5, and another 5, and another 5, and then 10 more. and i realized i couldnt stop.

healing from BED, for me, has been harder than developing anorexia in the first place. until a week ago, when we started talking about habit building and habit breaking in one of my college classes, i had absolutely no idea where to even start. i tried fasting. i binged. i tried exercising. i binged. i tried so much negative self talk it made me consider suicide as my only option.. and i binged... so much. so.. so much.

in all my bingeing, it wasnt until a few days ago that i admitted i had a bingeing problem, and that it had deveoped into BED. but now, here i am, taking the first step. admitting i have a problem.

i learned in my class that a habit consists of three distinct parts, a cue, a routine, and a reward. and through that reward comes KEY WORD craving.

so, my cue was feeling anything, any emotion.

my routine was eating.

my reward was the chemicals that come from eating rich, sweet, salty, calorie dense food.

and then i begun to crave it. and then it became my only way to cope.

so, now i have a mission. create new routines. new habits.

the cue can stay the same, but how i RESPOND to that cue, aka the routine, needs to change. i must do something instead of eating.

something that gives me a reward.

so, ive been writing. but it hasnt worked. so, ive been smoking, but it doesnt work. so, ive been distracting myself in hundreds of different ways, but nothing fucking works. so, what do i do?

my solution, is that i must use my addiction to food to my advantage. i hate using food as a reward, but i must, because it is the only reward that compares to the reward of bingeing.

so, every time i successfully distract myself from eating for at least 30 minutes, i will reward myself with a piece of candy. no matter how i distract myself, i will reward myself.

now, the difficult part is only allowing myself ONE candy. which is where i might have to get my boyfriend involved. The key is that i cant tell him that im rewarding myself for starving, so i must convince him im rewarding myself for something else. so, i guess my distraction will be homework, so i can tell him hes rewarding me for staying focused on my work.

the difficult thing about fixing binge eating is that you cant just get sober from food. its not heroin. its worse. you cant just stop and then have withdrawals and cravings for a while and then eventually get over it. you must learn the art of moderation. and ive never been one for moderation. so this is new to me.

i have one thing by my side, and it is grit and determination. i must, and i mean must stay motivated. i musnt lose sight of this goal. i must prioritize my health.

im not sure if i plan on becoming anorexic again. well, not like i used to be. i simply dont have the means to survive off 500 calories a day anymore. i have college, and a job, and a life i need to be lucid and functional for. but what i can do is slowly lower my goal to 1300 calories a day, roughly maintenance, and exercise regularly. not excessively, but regularly. and slowly, so, so slowly, i should get back to being a shape that i am comfortable being.

one day at a time.

[starlit-mansion]

okokok. i am not entirely sure i have ever seen you talk about this and how dividing the books all are is fascinating to me so... what's the opinion on the novel trilogy, or even frights/tales if you're willing to touch that w/ a ten foot pole --scrappedbaby

I feel like this is a pretty controversial take but I think the Silver Eyes itself is… fine. Okay, I tried to actually read it once and I couldn't get more than a couple pages in, because it read like when someone posts their homework assignment that was secretly fanfiction on fanfiction dot net. I have a little bit of a soft spot for the graphic novel, actually, due to it being bad in an interesting way rather than blandly decent like the other 2, which I've only flipped through. (Also the shitty saturated coloring fucked over the inks. Setting aside any opinions of the artist as a person, i think her style has character and added something to the series that is still present in other parts I like much better, like the glamrock concepts. And the muted test pages that someone scrounged up from a trade show copy or whatever would have probably done wonders for the atmosphere.)

As for the story of TSE itself… Idk, I think it's kind of funny that it's Stephen King's IT for fourth graders. Also, because it's aimed at that demographic, they had to conjure a young protagonist from somewhere, and I think the concept is pretty solid, and Charlie's a good character, and I'm also fond of what a little freak Dave-era William is. That's really my favorite concept of the villain motivation in the series, actually: creating this twisted little dollhouse to go sit in and pretend to be a robot. The immortality/mad science/lich/trancendance from the flesh thing is… it's fine. I made my peace with it. But it's a little too Herbert West for my tastes. (Also like… this is why I like Glitchtrap. He's kind of doing the same thing, making is little diorama and reliving his glory days.) All in all, for what it is, a solid 7/10, imo.

As for the rest of the trilogy……. ah, it's not for me. Like I said, I've flipped through the graphic novels a bit, and own them secondhand as curiosity pieces/weird little relics, but it seems like it gets up its own ass to cater to people who like lore (a separate but related demographic as people who like the horror part of the games, in my 100% honest opinion). I hear about the illusion disks and I am austin walker's iconic "do you ever see a take so bad you immediately have to go to sleep?' tweet.

As for Fazbear Frights: I'm not gonna lie, i think it's pretty good. I feel so fondly about the ghostwritten chapterbooks of my youth (I was a Babysitter's Club and Animorphs girlie, and weirdly… not an inaccurate cross-section for Fazbear's Frights), and I think it's perfectly fine to play around in the universe and create a bunch of AUs and related concepts. Is there criticism to be had of the stories themselves? SURE. They're very weak on diversity, QUITE fatphobic at times, and some of them are unnecessarily ghoulish, though there's only so much disgust I can muster for undeserved child death in the child death series… NONE of them deserve it, even the ones that are mean to their siblings or too vain or whatever, and the fact that it's equally likely for any given story to end in brutal death or "wow I really learned my lesson!" is actually pretty fun. Reminds me of Goosebumps a bit (though I was never a huge fan. Too easily creeped. That was my brother's preferred ghostwritten series though, so I sampled here and there. I also somehow had my hands on a novelization of one of the Tales from the Crypt movies too, and that made a big impression).

I don't love that FF takes every fan theory and milks it, and I'm sure the process for actual production has some ethical problems based on everything I know about the industry. But I do firmly believe that a little body horror is good for the youths, and just making it a multiverse rather than sticking to any one canonical thread lets you have your animatronic rabbit and wear it too, as it were. I also kind of like the lower middle class vibe that the series has… There's very frequently a sense of economic desperation and cheap escapism that resonates so well with the games, and reminds me of how going to Chuck E Cheese truly was the marquee birthday activity of my youth (though I liked the arcade more than the animatronics as a wee millenial).

Part of my fondness for FF is just that I had 2 months during late quarantine where I would buy a copy of the next one I hadn't read while I was doing my weekly grocery/target run and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE OUTSIDE OF MY HOME, and I would read these very unchallenging short stories and be like "I liked that one! …I did NOT care for that one" and it was a little pumpkin full of meat to chew on in my cage. I stopped it pretty abruptly when the proof of Scott's Republican political donations came out (I mostly do not buy any new fnaf items now, though I have ended up doing it here and there, and I mostly class it on the scale of like, buying Overwatch microtransactions even though activision blizzard is a shitty abusive company or smth. Not a moral good, but not on a "funding a person actively involved in politically crushing trans people" level of problematic).

As for the stories themselves, I liked Into The Pit (it really reads like a reused movie script, but in a good way), Count The Ways (a friend of mine, iirc, did NOT like the two non-title stories in vol 1, but I have a soft spot for Funtime Freddy's villain era in that one, and Millie's safe and self-inflicted teenage self pity reads as an affectionate self-callout to me), Out of Stock (this one's just so CLASSIC kiddie horror and also a really good use of an otherwise forgettable part of canon), Room for One More (another good use of forgettable parts of canon, i think the series really shines when it clicks into stuff like that), Coming Home (the jewel of the series, and gets me in the Sixth Sense nostalgia too), Bunny Call (mostly forgettable obvious moral lesson story with a surprising twist of poignency in the middle and an iconic antagonist), The Man in Room 1280 (I wish this was better utilized in the game series, it feels like Security Breach juked around this concept for a much worse and dumber version, and also Andrew is my special little bastard child), and The Real Jake (a sweet, if maybe a bit maudlin, exporation of the deeper concepts in the lore that is solidly a cut above the average FF story, and i like the stitchwraith parts of the books too).

There's none that I have a huge hate-on for, though I thought 1:35 am in particular was VERY bad (I skimmed the last half). While it's notorious, to me, In The Flesh is just dorky, particularly fatphobic and I don't know how everyone is getting MatPat from it. Mat's persona is kind of smug, but not cruel and hateful towards women or a shitty friend (if anything, his peers speak SO warmly of him that makes me give him more credit than he deserves as a cc), and you'd think a real hit piece on him would involve... a theory. A G A M E theory. Okay, I did it the legally required time.

I stopped at Book #6 and i'm not sure if i'll ever go back. I just got a library card so maybe I'll get around to it the next time i'm sucked into the franchise, but for the most part, I'm dormant except for things I really adore about the series (Springtrap, the Funtimes, Afton Family Drama in general, nostalgia for the first few games, etc), so I can't muster up too many more opinions on middle reader books as a 34-year-old. Tales has no appeal to me even as a future "maybe if the fixation hits hard" option, because a bunch of satellite stories around a setting that couldn't muster a third act in the tentpole game is just. Sad.

#fnaf #in reading this back over... i think the sheer volume of other things i compare the series to is kind of funny #anyway. i don't really think being an adult fnaf fan is that much different than being an adult who likes animated children's movies #in that there's a lot of moving parts to appreciate and it puts you in a nostalgic headspace that is fun to view it from #but also i feel like there's only so many tie-in chapterbooks you could read of your favorite disney property before you tap out lol

[wip-journeys]

Just wasting time...

Yeah... I should be working on my notes for Sew Fun 2 class, but I wish I didn't have to. I really wish the four days I have off I could just not stress about homework, sewing, or work. But that is not the reality I live in. I need to push myself not to be lazy and do what I need to do... after I am done with this post of course. lol.

I somehow discovered that Mesa College has a study abroad course at the beginning of Summer 2023. There are three destinations (all in Europe) and the one that would apply to me (for my fashion degree) is the Florance, Italy trip. Yeah, fucking Italy! Ugh, I would love to go! My dad was very encouraging about it. We were even looking at how much it would cost to fly a round trip over there! lol. The only thing that would make me not want to go is the language barrier I would have in Italy, but I shouldn't let that stop me from going.

I'd rather be planning on going to Italy, than taking notes. Boo.

Ever since my instructor for Sew Fun 2 class changed, my motivation has not been as it was. I can't place why. It could be on the first zoom meeting with them, they didn't introduce themselves and instead went right in to teach. I thought, Okay. It's been 3 weeks since the last class was held and we have a lot of catching up to do, but at least you could say a bit about yourself. It's a 2-hour class! We could take 5 min to give an intro! Apparently not.

Another thing is she is more... picky than my last instructor. For instance, I submitted some homework that had a small pucker in the fabric. I lost one point out of five because of a pucker. It would not have happened with my previous instructor. I would have received a 5/5.

I know. I'm making a big deal of losing one point on an assignment.

I believe it when it comes down to it, I had an established relationship with the last instructor (from Sew Fun 1). The class suddenly stopped, and change instructors were starting for me. I wonder if any of my classmates feel the same...

Anyway, I had a zoom meeting with a counselor from SDCCE on Monday. I wanted a suggestion on what my second class should be for the Spring semester at Mesa College. I told the counselor I am going to take Intro to Fashion. The counselor suggested I take an English class to fulfill my second class and during the semester, make an appointment with a counselor at Mesa to make a student plan on what classes I should take in the following semesters.

I probably have taken the English classes I need to fulfill from my previous attempt at community college, but I also didn't receive good grades while I was there, so that would be a big problem for my GPA... I think... I tried to mention it to the counselor but I don't think they understood me.

God. I am just rambling on here.

I'm done. Good night!

#school #stress #sew fun 2

[crasherfly]

7-20-22- A Mental Health Check-In and Tribute to Chester

I’ve thought a lot about what I’d write for July 20th. 

In one draft I have a list of all the positive gains I’ve made. In another draft I have a long confession of all the ways I feel I’ve regressed. In yet another draft I list out all of my phantom symptoms, physical and emotional. In every draft I felt like I missed the point.

July 20th is the anniversary Chester Bennington’s death. The lead singer of Linkin Park died by his own hand in 2017. Since then, July 20th has served as a day of reflection- both on his music and of my own mental health.

Things have been mostly good since my last check-in with y’all. Not perfect, but also not as dire as they were in 2020 or even 2021. I have a little more trauma but a little less daily stress. While my life circumstances still aren’t exactly what I’d pick if given the choice, they’re good enough and better than the circumstances most folks are slapped with. It would be unreasonable to complain.

I’ve settled on offering a few brief takeaways from my past year. Maybe you’ll find them compelling. Perhaps they’ll seem obvious. Regardless, it’s reflective of where I’m at.

What you do for a living really matters.

I got a new job this past year. It’s not a perfect job but it is one where I have more free time, less oversight and some degree of say in my schedule. It is also work that does not harm anyone.

I could go through a laundry list of positives suffice to say I did not anticipate how many negative behaviors of mine would just...disappear on their own when not fueled by the toxic rot of a harmful workplace. 

I don’t drink much anymore and nothing’s changed.

One thing I do a lot less of now is drink. Aside from social events I hardly ever have alcohol. I started the pandemic drinking 3 tallboys a night. Last night I had a can of sake for the first time in 7 months and I couldn’t finish half of it. My appetite for it is simply gone. I don’t know why. I suspect it has to do with my job change.

What surprised me most is that this change hasn’t been transformative. I’m still the same weight as I was 7 months ago. My mile time is the same. My moods are unchanged. My attention span, productivity and numerous other intangibles are about what they always were. 

I had always blamed many of my negatives on alcohol. If only I could quit or at least cut back then maybe nature would just heal itself. Turns out that isn’t true. Don’t get me wrong, I probably am healthier in ways I don’t understand, but it turns out many of life’s problems can’t be solved simply by cutting something else out.

Therapy didn’t change my life. So I fired my therapist. It was a good move.

My therapist didn’t challenge me. It didn’t help that I didn’t trust her in the first place- she had a very non-traditional view of mental health. She believed horseback riding and deprivation chambers were more effective than pills and journaling. Sometimes this was a positive- I do feel better since I started taking the magnesium supplements she recommended. But often it was weird and judgmental- being urged not to take a Covid vaccination or trust our drinking water. I usually avoided subjects that threatened to be divisive, especially medical ones. For her part, she never took notes, often forgot key details of my life circumstances and never had an agenda for the session or homework for me to work on. That’s a bad place to be with your therapist.

By the end we were both canceling on each other. I had run out of things to talk about with her and with my new job on the horizon I suspected that I soon be without my primary motivation for being therapy- my current, toxic job.

I fired her. It was hard. I didn’t do it directly- simply lied and said I was changing insurance and that I’d seek her assistance in the future if I needed it. It was a kind letdown, but a letdown nonetheless.

We all have that friend who talks about therapy in a hushed, sanctimonious tone. “Everyone should get therapy” is the common refrain. What people leave out is that bad therapists abound, lazy therapists are even more common and finding the right therapist is damn hard.

Therapy did not change my life. I didn’t transform into a brilliant new life form. I picked up some vocabulary and found a safe place to dump my anxieties so I could ease the burden on my friends and family. And that’s about it. Maybe my next therapist will be better. Or maybe I’ll feel more open to being honest and vulnerable (it does take two, after all, for therapy to be successful). We’ll see.

Find what you love and let it make you into the kindest version of yourself.

Millennials have heard (and probably curse) “find what you love and let it kill you”. I think we all know better about that now. Follow that advice and shit will burn you out fast.

Instead, I prefer to find the hobbies that make it easiest for me to be the person I wish I could be. Does this make me kinder, gentler, softer? Then this is what I want to invest my time in.

Maybe if we spend enough of our time pursuing those things we’ll eventually find we’ve become that kindest person by default.

Also, learn to love what you love even if you’re the only one in the room.

In this stage of the Covid world it’s easy enough to opt in to isolation depending on your job and means. One thing I’ve noticed with isolation is that we’ve all become a bit more niche than we were before 2020. Our interests have diverted to all sorts of places that they wouldn’t if we were constantly out in the world performing social normativity.

Sometimes that can leave you feeling pretty alien even amongst your own friends. It can even leave you feeling bitter- why am I the only one into this hobby/show/interest/etc? 

Getting comfortable with yourself is essential. If you’re drawn to something that isn’t hurting anyone else and you’re the only one? Dive into it. That’s what makes you unique and interesting. And when people ask about it speak boldly. Sure, your friends may not rush to enjoy that experience alongside you- but they may surprise you with their curiosity. You’ll never know if you keep that to yourself.

It’s never too late to apologize to your friends.

Don’t expect it to be received. No one is obligated to hear you or forgive you if you’ve fucked up. But one thing I’ve learned this year is that most people have an infinite capacity for kindness. Even a word of acknowledgment- a recognition of a time you let someone down, even if the moment was years ago- can mean the world.

My friends and I recently experienced a mass apology. I won’t go into details except to say it was spontaneous- all of us diving into moments from the past we’d been carrying and owning up to the hurt we caused. It was a beautiful thing. We were talking about things that happened ten years ago and yet it was still meaningful. A paradigm shifted when we each acknowledged what we could have done better.

That doesn’t mean things will be perfect from here on out. In fact, they very much aren’t. ‘Cuz we’re humans, and even friends can still hurt and be hurt, friends can hold anger and refuse to forgive. But time can and will heal all things, even when it doesn’t seem likely in the moment.

It’s more important to be kind than right.

Within reason, obviously. There are some moral imperatives you should probably not be silent about. But if you’re arguing about something that doesn’t have the wellbeing of the planet at heart- ya know, like your favorite video game or tv show or music- you can speak to your own experience without cutting someone else down. 

And if you disagree- like, viscerally disagree? You can always just...not reply. An overwhelming number of things vying for our attention are not in need of ardent defenders. It is almost always healthier- emotionally and physically- to log off.

Some last thoughts...

Every year for this post I talk a bit about a Linkin Park album. This year my focus happened to fall on Minutes to Midnight. Two tracks in particular caught my attention- Leave Out All The Rest and Shadows Of The Day.

Leave Out All The Rest is a quiet little track with front vocals by Chester Bennington. It focuses on the subject of one’s legacy. It’s a chilling directive  from Bennington, especially given what we know. The chorus in particular hits different now.

When my time comes, Forget the wrong that I’ve done, Help me leave behind some Reasons to be missed. And when you’re feeling empty Leave me in your memory. Leave out all the rest.

Talk about calling your own shot. This track gets overlooked when people consider other tracks like One More Light. It’s understandable but unfortunate- I can’t think of another track that is as direct as this regarding Chester’s thoughts on his legacy- something he was thinking about years ahead of his own death.

Shadow Of The Day has also been heavy on my heart since I listened to the track with another person a couple weeks back. As we watched the music video together they became quite quiet. 

“When did he write this song?”

“Probably around...2006? Album dropped in 07.”

“That’s so sad.”

“Why?”

“He wrote this song- he told his audience exactly how he felt- that goodbye was the only way. And no one listened to him. He must have felt that way the day he died, too.”

I never thought about Shadow Of The Day that way before. Of course, it’s a sad song.

I close both locks below the window. I close both blinds and turn away. Sometimes solutions aren’t so simple. Sometimes goodbye’s the only way. And the sun will set for you. The sun will set for you. And the shadows of the day embrace the world in gray. And the sun will set for you.

What makes Chester Bennington’s songs so meaningful and enduring is how confidential they feel. The feelings the writer confesses here would be enough to get a suicide watch ordered by your general practitioner. Yet how often was this content laughed off by people who didn’t take it seriously? How often was this music shunned as performative?

In a dark way, what we know now about the end of Chester’s life now makes tracks like Shadow Of The Day even more impactful. I wonder if he knew that. I personally doubt he could have. In his darkest moments I have to think he must have bought in to the cruelest assessments of his work, musically. No one who truly believed their work was so important or enduring would choose to leave us otherwise. But then, I don’t have the whole picture. It’s doubtful any of us do or ever will. Regardless of his final state of mind, all that is clear is that leaving must have felt like the only option. It’s possible- likely even- that music was the last thing on his mind. He must have felt like goodbye was the only way.

What’s important in 2022 is that people still remember the music. It endures. It touches us. And while the sun did indeed set for us, it will also rise- a point that that the seemingly neglects to note in its fixation on endings. But it is nonetheless true. 

The sun will set for you.

It will also rise for you.

RIP Chester. We miss you so much.