#weirdly structured dreams

[vagabond-umlaut]

meet you where the sky meets the earth

to love is to listen to your heart, not your brain. to dream whilst in love, is to make your brain listen to your heart.

▸ gojo satoru x fem!reader; former teacher x former student [gojo is six yrs older than reader]; bittersweet fluff; you're so in love w satoru, it shd hurt- but it doesn't because you've grown numb to the ache; one-sided feelings [are they really?]; few mentions of food; gojo calls you 'cookie'; this is way too tender even for me, istg; 1.5k wc

▸ belongs to the series 'you make my heart flutter and fibrillate' but can be read as a stand-alone fic if you wanna! 😊

▸ the header is from pinterest, the dividers are by @benkeibear, the characters used here aren't mine. pls don't plagiarise, translate or repost this. hope y'all enjoy reading this ❤️❤️

the first time you think of marrying gojo, you're only twenty years old.

hardly the age to be dreaming of wedding bells at, right?

yeah, right. that's very, very right— still, your heart is your heart, just how your brain is your brain, the former easily swaying the latter by a few skipped beats— and you find your cheeks growing warm, laughs stumbling past your lips as you place the box of cornflakes into your shopping cart.

gojo sputters from beside you, eyes comically wide behind his shades as they dart from you to the elderly woman before.

you take a second to compose yourself before answering the ask that created this mess in the first place, a polite smile lining your face, "oh, no– not at all, ma'am! we're not married. i'm just an old friend helping him with the groceries, haha."

"oh," that's the only thing the woman says in reaction, kind smile now a tiny frown before it reappears. and she apologises, "i'm sorry, dears. just thought you two to be newlyweds from how giddy and loving you seemed to each other... time i went for an eye check-up, yes?"

"hey, please don't be sorry..." you start to say, but before you can get any further, the woman has already walked away with her shoppping basket.

you fall silent.

the same way the man next to you too has grown quiet, an awkward silence taking up the foot between you both. until you break it with a strained chuckle.

"we were acting giddy and loving to each other, eh?"

"were we?" comes the contemplative question to your comment. you look up to find gojo looking at you, the blue of his eyes weirdly bright in the dim lights of the supermarket as he repeats, "were we, cookie?"

yes. no. you don't really know—

yes, 'cause you know you love him.

not since forever, no, but close enough to it: your once-fascination for the supposed mortal deity of the jujutsu world, the mitochondrion on which the cellular structure of the society banks to survive; that grew into something made of wonder, respect and fondness, as you slowly came to know not only the icon but also the man behind it; that grew into something so profound, nestling deep within your existence– so much so that you feel the earth shifting on its axis everytime he calls you or grins at you or just looks in your direction—

no, 'cause you know you aren't loved back.

not the way you wish to be... not that you blame gojo for that, though!

you know he is way too busy to be thinking of such topics– what with being the strongest sorcerer ever, the head of the one-man gojo clan, the teacher to the first-years at tokyo high, the legal guardian– but in fact, the father figure to the two kids, 'gumi and 'miki– or maybe, just maybe, he is busy, alright, but not too busy— gojo simply doesn't see you that way; he sees you to be nothing but his former student— one he knows he can rely on to help with his children, or the groceries, or a variety of other menial daily tasks he can just hire help for—

you don't know.

yeah... you really, really don't know– and by now, you think you don't even want to know anymore. it's easy, it's safe, it's nice to remain not knowing. the word 'yes' comes with too many dreams– the word 'no' serves the perfect haven to nightmares.

the three words "i don't know" bear no such burden on their back– an untroubled answer you decide to offer, decide to escape using for the time being— until a slight knock on the head interrupts you, followed by an entertained set of chortles.

you peer up to find gojo beaming down at you, his eyes crinkled and cheeks dimpled. something twists in the middle of your chest, but it isn't painful; it's grounding. pleasant, even.

"it's too easy to get you worried, y'know? you're unbelievably easy to manipulate, heh."

"oh, am i now?" you retort, eyes narrowing into a cross glare– only to be betrayed by the fond smile grazing your lips not even a beat later. the man hums, grin simmering down to a knowing smile.

"mmhm," he says with that musical sway to his tone that never fails to make your fingers tingle, "you should have seen your face when i asked you the question– so pale and stiff– almost as if i was asking you to leave then and there, hearing that granny's comments—"

"you would have asked me to, if they were true– wouldn't you?"

gojo's smile vanishes in the blink of an eye. and you think the hand he has stretched out to the shelves of biscuits might fall too– but it does not, and you see him take a packet of your favourite bourbon biscuits followed by a packet of the digestives you've been forcing him to eat, and place them into the cart.

he checks the shopping list in your hand before he looks back at you.

before he smiles back at you: so soft, so solemn, so un-satoru— you instantly regret interrupting him with such a question.

but you do know how it is, don't you? what with a thudding heart and a thinking brain...

the handle of the cart digs deep indents into your palm as you press the weight of your worries into the cool metal and lean towards your companion on this grocery run, the same way a moth flies towards a flame, towards its doom–

"don't you ever dream of falling in love, gojo-san?" you let your voice drop to a murmur, audible only to you and the object of your desires, the subject of your worries, "do you not dream of a happily ever after with your 'one'– do you, gojo-san?"

"no," the response to your words comes in the very same instant. the man's shades slip a touch down the bridge of his nose as he pins his sharp gaze on you– though it can do nothing to hide the mild tremor in his grin from you when he says, "and i don't plan on dreaming ever. dreaming is only for fools with too much time to spare– do i look like a fool with too much time to spare, cookie?"

no. not at all. you don't. you look the farthest from it, in fact— is what you know you should say, and just drop the matter. for now. forever—

but you don't... just don't.

retorting instead, still a murmur but with the faint lick of a fire now, "and what do you suggest should be done to those fools, gojo-san? punished severely for their grievous crime of dreaming, hm?"

"oh, don't be too harsh," he tuts with a breezy chuckle, "what people do is honestly their business; one i've got no interest in interfering in— but..." his grin twists into something wry, a change you find tough to tear your gaze away from, "i don't think i would give such folks the time of my day– it's simply not worth it to talk with those whose feet are not on the solid ground, floating around meaninglessly in air–"

"why are you talking with me then?"

interrupted, gojo blinks. once, and twice, then thrice.

you watch your face crumple in the dark tint of his shades, withering and cracking in the dull light and stale air of this stupid supermarket; but definitely not as stupid as you:

messing things up when they're perfectly fine and alright, only 'cause you do not, rather cannot, keep your mouth shut, no matter what– all your inhibitions let gone of as your heart gains control over your brain and your stupid damned mouth—

you feel a tiny knock on your forehead, the second time this evening, followed by strands of hair being gently brushed away; too careful for your breath to not get stuck in your chest. you peer up at the man in front, teeth lightly gnawing the inside of your lower lip.

gojo's features shift into something between fond and worried– you just hope you aren't misreading him right now– the man tucks those strands of hair behind the shell of your ear.

his fingers still right above your jaw, touching yet not really touching, features finally, finally, settling into a smile– "maybe because i enjoy talking with you, cookie, no matter how foolish you are."

some people say, marriage is a holy act, a sacred institution, in and of itself— connecting hearts, binding souls– cementing the promises of staying together forever... whilst few see marriage to be meaningless— paltry affair of papers and signatures and people, none bearing any significance, 'cause nothing can, not when it comes to the matters of the hearts, neither in proving nor in disproving them–

no matter what people think, you think you will be okay, irrespective of whether you marry gojo or not, irrespective of whether gojo loves you or not– provided– and this is a weird, still important 'provided'—

you and he end up shopping together in the supermarket, feeling and seeming so happy and comfortable with each other— others mistake you for a pair of newlyweds, blissfully deep in love.

tysm to my dearest andy [@andysdrafts], mimi [@avatarofstars] & dilay [@roseqzpd] for constantly motivating me while i was writing this. ilysm my darlings 😘😘😘

masterlist

#gojo x reader #gojo x you #gojo satoru x reader #gojo satoru x you #satoru x reader #satoru x you #jjk x reader #jjk x you #gojo fluff #gojo angst #jjk fluff #jjk angst #kit posts 📝

[tuliptic]

Crazy Form: My Ego's In This Show

First PAC of the year!! When in real I've been working on it since last year lmAO.

My main personality is peaking through this blog again cuz Ateez is back with another banger and as an Atiny, it’s my calling to do this. This reading is gonna be slightly different imo, tho I have no idea how to phrase myself on how different it is.

Most of us, if not all, have a certain side to us that can be considered crazy. The definition of crazy differs according to people and context, where some can be out of control, unbelievable, mad, or just enthusiastic. One person’s craziness is just another person’s normal, so just treat it as… How you want it to be. 

To me, this song yells about being yourself, not confining yourself to the social structure and expectations of the world. They might think we’re crazy but there’s nothing wrong with being yourself as long as you’re not harming anyone. Just close your eyes and not look if things are not to your liking, and steer away from me. Leave me alone, I don’t mind.

As usual, you can meditate before you pick a pile. However, for this reading, I’d say go for the one you first focused on, as craziness can be spontaneous. Found your pile? Let’s go see what our Crazy Form has for us!

Pile 1 - Pile 2

Pile 3 - Pile 4

Disclaimer: This is solely for my entertainment purposes. Take only whatever you feel like it. If it doesn’t resonate, it’s okay to just drop it. Also, I do not consent to my work or images being used by third parties on this platform or other websites as well.

Decks used: Luna Cat Tarot Deck (Major Arcana), Linestrider Tarot Deck, Sweet Dreams Oracle Deck, Starcodes Astro Oracle Deck, self made lyrics deck.

Pile 1

A card to represent you: Death

For some reason I see you as someone who prolly is into the punk genre? Something metal? You’re constantly transforming yourself, trying new things, finding your way throughout the world probably through means that are not well received by others. Weirdly the word osmosis came to mind? You tend to throw yourself into the exact situation to learn and understand why people react a certain way. It sounds cool, but to people around you, they think you’re out of your mind cuz it could mean that you may go to the extremes to get the experience you want. But to you, you prolly feel proud of it cuz you are constantly growing at an astounding speed.

1. What do people think is crazy about you? - Three of Wands rx

You tend to not credit yourself? It’s giving me the feeling that you tend to look at things from the sidelines, may it be your success or achievements. You don’t mind the credits, but to others they’ll get mad cuz you were not credited accordingly. They tend to not understand why you’d let your work get taken away or used (I think the same too). This appears to be a mystery to people around you, but you know what you want, so you’re chill with it. It’s giving me the feeling where you do things to gain experience and to build yourself, not to gain recognition. May be wrong here, but you know yourself best. OvO

2. What craziness is in you that has not been unleashed? - Seven of Pentacles

You already chose to not take credits over your own work, and it will drive people crazy that whatever you’re doing is not the peak. You’re currently doing things at your own pace, to figure things out as you go. One day, when you decide to unlock a passion and work on it diligently, yet continuing to not take any credits for yourself, the people around you will flip. You know about this, but you’ve surrounded yourself with people who support your vision and share your values, they who believe that you’ll be able to create your own legacy sky. For some of you, you may also feel that it’s weird if you choose to take credit. Maybe it’s because there’s more than what is seen by the eyes in the material realm. For some reason I’m thinking of Saturn energy here, so some of you may be Saturn dominant.

3. How can you use your Crazy Form to your advantage? - Justice rx

What I’m feeling from here is that you can use this to get out of situations, especially unfair situations. It can sound pretty mean but if things take a bad turn, you, being in no leadership role, can get out of it. This is also one of the reasons you dislike assuming the leadership position. To some, you may like assuming the leader position, but you’re not given the chance or you’re currently not there yet to take on the role. You’re also the type who likes to explore stuffs and hence, you have the skills and ability to venture into anything else new that you are interested in. The world is wide and there are a lot of things for you to try, and you probably go crazy with everything you wanna try, ignoring how small your plate can be.

4. What can you achieve from this entire thing? - Queen of Pentacles

For some reason, the word “connection” came out pretty strong. Networking and connection was the first to pop up in my head. Y’know how people have been told to separate work life and personal life? That’s not what you’ll do, probably. You make friends and create connections through work, and they slowly become part of your personal life as well. I think this is a charm of yours where you are just capable of creating new bonds because of your comforting presence and of your communication skills. You don’t necessarily need to be very protective or nurturing; people just find you comfortable to talk to and the new friendship starts to grow from there. Eventually, they become part of your life even though you may not remain in the same workplace.

Overall energy: Justice, Six of Swords rx

I like how Justice came out twice for you, signifying that it’s a strong theme. Justice could mean being fair, but to me, it also talks about being critical in both mind and action. You possess a mind that’s sharp, where you can see and evaluate the various situations that you’re in, noticing details that many people don’t. It’s like… You’re being guided through all of these so you’re able to throw yourself into as many passion projects as you like. However, remember to keep things in moderation else you’ll feel the burn-out or you’ll get overwhelmed with everything going on. Take care.

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Pile 2

A card to represent you: The Hanged Man rx

This card in reverse usually talks about delays, resistance, and even self sacrificing too much. Have you been doing so? Have you been creating a lot of inner tension within yourself, where you try to maintain the exterior peace of the environment and ignore the need of your own inner peace? Remember that external peace isn’t your peace, and that you need to take care of your own needs as well, as you’re in charge of whatever that’s in your life. There are a lot of other ways to maintain a balance out there, you just need to review your priorities and how you’d want to execute it.

1. What do people think is crazy about you? -  Three of Cups

Socialisation is the first word that came into my mind. There’s a high chance that you’re an extrovert, where you gain energy by being around people. Not exactly a party animal kinda feeling, but more of a… Vibe assimilation? It’s like, you throw yourself into a place with a good vibe and you kinda absorb the good vibe and make yourself feel better with it. Once you’re feeling better, you feel that you’re more prepared to face whatever problems you were facing. It’s also the other way round, where you give out good vibes and fun times to those around you who are having a hard time. But also, you need to be aware if this is their preferred love language or you may not be helping them the way they need it.

2. What craziness is in you that has not been unleashed? - Page of Cups rx

Are you a romantic? Cuz this card here is giving me this vibe. It feels like… You’re a romantic in heart, where your heart is open to love as it manifests into the world. Take this as a reminder to not go wild. You can fall in love deep and quick, and can jump to new relationships easily. To you, you just view love as love, and you think it’s alright to get into or break off relationships cuz you’re loyal to love. However, a relationship doesn’t work only on love, but also responsibilities, loyalty, and a lot of other aspects. Ground yourself, find out what is it that you want by getting into relationships. From there, only you figure out how you can work things out without potentially harming other people in the relationship.

3. How can you use your Crazy Form to your advantage? - Wheel of Fortune rx

I feel that with your Crazy Form, you are very capable of changing the courses of lives. Plural. It’s not only your life that you’re changing, where you learn through the relationships and experiences you’ve gone through; but also the lives of others who have been in relationships with you, where they may learn a thing or two, or even have problems with the idea of “love”.  You know that you’re the co-creator of your life and destiny, but also, you need to be aware of the impact you have, how you can also change the lives of others for the better. You now know you have the power, how you’re gonna use it is now up to you.

4. What can you achieve from this entire thing? - The Devil, Page of Swords

You can be the Devil, where you can draw out the worst possible potential in someone; or you can also be the Messenger, where you share your knowledge and wisdom to those who are interested in them. There’s a lot you can achieve, but ultimately, it depends on which path you want to tread on. You, Pile 2, you know you’re fire, you know you can warm people or burn them. I don’t want to repeat things but yeah. You can make a name for yourself, may it be in a nice light or a not-nice light. Whatever you choose, make sure you think through the consequences of your actions, and if you’re alright or satisfied with the outcome. 

Overall energy: Temperance rx, Four of Wands

Overall speaking, there’s a lack of balance in this pile. It feels like the energy is scattered, and that now you’re taking your time to piece the puzzles (scattered energy, self-expectations, better understanding of yourself)  into a nice and harmonious picture (you). You are searching for a community where you are comfortable with, you can work together with. I don’t think this pile has much difficulties in self-acceptance, but if you do, do work on them as it could be your greatest challenge. Once you’re through that?  You’ll be surprised by how much power you have.

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Pile 3

A card to represent you: The Hierophant

I… Am conflicted with how I should word myself. The Hierophant is usually related with traditional and conventional methods. There’s a hint of tradition here, but what I’m feeling is more of a… Fusion? It’s like you’re working with whatever and whichever part of the tradition you agree with, and mixing it with something else to have a new blend. This is you. You are good at combining the best of both worlds to bring forth something new that is comforting to you and the people around you. You may also have been told that you have a healing presence? Or you’re working on your inner healing right now, especially childhood trauma. 

1. What do people think is crazy about you? - Ten of Wands rx

The way you willingly and fearlessly take up responsibilities is what people (including myself) think is crazy about you. Most people will consider and ponder, weighing the pros and cons before deciding if they wanna take up the responsibility to take up something or anything. But for you, it’s like you have some sort of blind faith that you’ll be able to do things and hence, you take up the responsibility. You also have almost no fear in showing or exposing your vulnerability. You understand that being vulnerable doesn’t necessarily mean weak, and you honour that part of you, showing it and proving that being vulnerable doesn’t mean you can’t achieve things.

2. What craziness is in you that has not been unleashed? - Four of Pentacles rx

You’re actually… restraining yourself a lot. Unknown to the people around you (or even yourself), you have always felt the need to exert control over particular things, or even other people, but especially yourself. The controlling side of yours is due to the insecurities that you’ve experienced, probably as a kid, where you need to have a certain control over situations so that you can be assured of your self value. You probably have gone through child trauma and do not hold trust in the world, nor in people around you, which led to you wanting to be in charge of things so you can exert dominance to make sure you’re not on the passive or losing end.

3. How can you use your Crazy Form to your advantage? - The Magician rx, Five of Cups rx

You can use that controlling energy and redirect them to some other things, such as creativity expressions (creating new things to have fun) or even focusing on healing past traumas. All of these require a lot of energy and time, which is something really suitable for you to work on as you expand not only your views on things, but also to learn acceptance and to be kinder to yourself. Expansion is a huge theme where you need to find things out and figure them out as you journey in life. There’s a lot of time for you to figure things out, so it’s best to not rush and learn to take things at your own pace.

4. What can you achieve from this entire thing? - Eight of Pentacles

Success is guaranteed if you put your energy in the right things. You’ll be able to become the pinnacle in whatever fields you have decided to step into. The tenacity you have, the diligence and hard work you’ve put into curating your portfolio and honing your skills will be well repaid in the forms of success, achievements, recognition and even power. However, there’s a need to maintain balance in all things, and to continue striving and improving. Know that you’ll need to constantly learn how to change your controlling energy to something that’s more… beneficial? Something that can help you (and/or the people you care for) in the long run. 

Extra cards: Five of Pentacles

An extra message for you right now is that you still will need to go through some things before you reach there. You’re still in the process of learning, and you’ll face your own trials soon enough. You need to be aware of your own mindset, your own actions; only then you’ll be able to make the necessary changes for you to be able to unlock your highest potential. Your guides are also actively sending you messages. Trust in your guts, your feelings, your guides; they’re your strongest compass and confidant.

Overall energy: Death, The Star

This pile focuses a lot on the importance of change, and how it’s capable of making your life better or worse. However, it also reassures that there’s a silver lining within every dark cloud. There may be a sense of defeat for some who chose this pile, but it is also a sign of telling, where you’re called to surrender the old and limiting beliefs before you can be reborn into limitless possibilities. The process of being reborn is not easy, and you will need help around you to go through those times. Not saying that you can’t handle everything alone, but getting help and assistance from people around you, especially those who are close to you can help you and make your life so much easier. So why go through the long-winded route?

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Pile 4

A card to represent you: The Emperor

I’m getting a… Growl? People probably paint you as dominant or domineering at times (or most of the time). You may have a stronger masculine energy, even if you identify as some other genders. There’s this fire energy that feels like Scorpio as well, where people (including your subordinates and to some extent, friends) may feel afraid. Some of you are aware of this and are pleased with this, but some of you are unaware of this trait of yours. You can choose to either work on it and be a benevolent king, or you can be a tyrant. The choice is yours, you are who you want to become.

1. What do people think is crazy about you? - Temperance, Two of Pentacles

You’re able to remain your balance amidst the changes that are happening around you. There’s just this… Stability in you that assures the people around you. Pluto is in Capricorn and it’s about to enter Aquarius for good. We have seen how things changed around us, and how there were more… THings that have been constantly happening. Yet, even with the never-ending chaos, you still manage to keep your emotions and rationality at a healthy level. You know that you rely not only on yourself, but also your dreams and your spirit’s energy to reach your highest good. But still, you achieving this is just insane in many people’s eyes.

2. What craziness is in you that has not been unleashed? - King of Swords rx

People are seeing the balanced side of you at the moment, but they probably have not thought of you being a person who focuses more on the mind than the emotional side. You probably have the habit of noticing the slightest things, and you’re very capable of putting the small pieces together to form the bigger picture. If anyone ever wrongs you, this side of yours will appear and will probably mess up their life cuz they messed yours. You do put in effort in keeping this side of yours aside as you’re very much intending on keeping things civil.

3. How can you use your Crazy Form to your advantage? - The Chariot

If you ever wanted to take over the corporate business, you’re very capable of doing so. Take the wheel, steer to where you want to head to, and hit the gas. You will not be lost as long as you are sure of where you’re going. Also, because of this introspective side of yours, you can help a lot of those who are in need. I’m somehow seeing you piecing up information to gather evidence against domestic violence cases. You are willing to help, as long as they ask. The same goes to you, where you’ll also receive help from the universe when you ask for them. You just seem to be in sync with divine timing, which is something you can pay attention to.

4. What can you achieve from this entire thing? - The High Priestess rx

I am very tempted to say that you’ll end up losing your feminine and intuitive side, but there’s more to it. Sure, there may be chances of you straying away from the quieter side of you, but it is also a chance for divine intervention where your guides are re-introducing you the importance of your feminine side, showing you how being in-tune with your emotions can bring you to places you’ve never thought of, to bring your the emotional fulfilment that you’ve never imagined. More importantly, it’s an opportunity for you to learn the importance of stability and sustainability, and make sure that whatever you do and learn is gonna be part of your life, part of your identity.

Overall energy: The Hanged Man rx, The Tower rx

There’s quite some blockage here that you’re facing, where you may feel challenged with everything that’s happening around you. Remember that you’re not in control of everything around you, that things happen for a reason, and that it’s okay to go along the flow from time to time. The Universe is trying to guide you to where you’re supposed to be, so stop being stubborn and learn to accept things for the time being. At least, until you’re strong enough to go against what you’ve decided to fight. You’re meant to do great things, to achieve so much more in life. But first, you need to learn to accept your flaws and the harsh reality, only then you can be sure of what you want to rebel against.

#tuliptic #🌷 #pick a card #pick a pile #pick a picture #tarot reading #general tarot reading #crazy form #yes it's another ateez reading cuz i'm an atiny #prolly another ateez one coming up #idk #depending on my mood #i've been working on this since last year and am finally having the energy to complete this #anyways that's it #it's a very different reading to the point idek what to label/categorise this as #have fun #i hope you guys had fun cuz #i definitely did #see ya in another reading #or game #whichever comes first

[hopecomesbacktolife]

recently read the time magazine special edition “Star Trek: inside the most influential science fiction series ever” a good portion of it is stuff a lot of fans probably already know, but there was some info in there that was still new to me, and lots of gorgeous photos that were amazing to see in print, too, so still definitely an enjoyable read! (apart from a couple instances of weirdly superiority, bro-esque writing, but that only occurred in one of the articles, thankfully)

one thing I really enjoyed about the visual aspect of the magazine though was some of the costuming visuals! For example, these crisp shots show not only the tailoring and seams but literally the construction and stitching on the TMP era uniforms 😍😍 (check out the stitching on the sleeve ranks in particular!!!)

next up, some extremely cool science things I didn’t know about and love that they exist:

this shot is excellent both for De fans (me) and also for seamstresses and costumers (also me!) because of that excellent, and rare, shot of the back of a TOS women’s uniform with seams and construction visible… positively a seamstress dream!! such a good garment structuring reference 👏🏻

also, an up close on one of Quark’s outfits that shows definitively that this outerwear jacket is, in fact, rainbowy tweed!!, a fashion statement I vote we bring back:

(it reminds me of this couch and blanket from my childhood, it was extremely 1970s and I loved it)

this little Kirk & Spock character comparison panel appeared next to an excerpt of Shatner’s writing, and to me it would fit in perfectly with those “who’s dating who” activity panels etc in magazines like seventeen, which, excellent execution, that’s such a good vibe to have considering The Premise 👏🏻

speaking of— I wish they’d mentioned slash fic, The Premise, early fanfic mail chains etc waaay more than they did (and for that matter, highlight way more just how important and vital the women Trekkies were!) but hey, at least they mentioned Spirk shippers, along with other parts of the magazine mentioning queer and nonbinary+trans rep in trek. could’ve/should’ve been more, but—

anyways! It’s still a fun magazine to read through and has lots of fun images even if you’re already familiar with the stories. (did you know there used to be an Enterprise shaped landline phone you could buy? I didn’t, and now I very much want one lol) it also highly benefits from having article writers of multiple genders, so there’s that, too. 🖖🏻

#star trek #time magazine #cool things! #book quotes #sorta #special time edition #honorary tag of #spirk #as well #for the gossip column vibes of that one part that I absolutely love hehe #deck that one out in glitter and sequin hearts and it would make an excellent bookmark for reading killing time 1st edition with hehe ♡ #art #<< tag for cosplay reference

[defrosted69]

Is it alright to fall in love with you?

(New Jeans Hanni fanfic)

****Since you guys liked Hanni so much, I made another one so here you go Yohohoho****

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They say that a beautiful flower will emerge from it's beautiful stem once it fulfilled its cycle. The sun will welcome the blossom and let it shine where everyone can see the beauty of the flower. Bees and butterfly will come by to say hello to greet the flower. Everything will slow down as their eyes will land to its beautiful structure. Even the rain will pay homage to its Beauty by helping it add aesthetic to the petals that shows eternal beauty. Photographers would be at awe and would make the surroundings a photoshoot.

All glory would be given to the flower but there are those who got stuck in the middle of the process and froze on what to do next. Some wither away unable to withstand the harsh punishment of mother nature as they fall to the ground slowly getting buried and forgotten as they are not there to witness the blooming of their fellow peers who transcended to become a beautiful flower.

Just like in life, many people doesn't bloom to their full potential and they stagnate on their own state not knowing what to do to take that next step. And sadly, you ended up like them.

You have to wonder, how did life turn out like this for you. Everything was so optimistic and bright for you growing up as you have the vision and passion to reach your dreams but slowly, they began to crumble down. All that sunshine was Just your delusion thinking you can take care of it when in reality, life hit you hard like a bullet train. It didn't stop and it continued to torment your life every hour, every minute, every second and every breath you take. Everything had fallen apart from you.

That smile you once had held and showed off to was gone. Infront of your mirror was a tired and empty face that showed no enthusiasm about anything. That fire you once had that you hoped to keep burning was washed in an instant. Rekindling that fire felt so pitiful for you but nothing, nothing ever made that fire back on.

Recalling it now, you couldn't even remember the last time that you genuinely felt happy. Your days felt like a repetitive cycle that just doesn't end and it felt exhausting. But weirdly enough, you feel like keeping that cycle on repeat is your comfort area, like there was no point for you to add something in that cycle because it will just ruin everything that was schedule for you. Society and your personality made it hard for you to make friends entering college.

Gone where the days when you were making cool and enjoyable memories down town wit your bikes. There was no more time for you to mess around and have fun as the sunsets peak through the valley's. The word fun didn't exist anymore on your vocabulary and was replaced with work and money.

Your friends from high school was slowly becoming the person they dreamed off enjoying the labor of their hardship while for you? What's there to enjoy? You were working on a 7 to 8 hour work hour and sometime even have to go to overtime with less pay than what they promised. It was tiring.

So tiring.

You opened your apartment room and you were greeted by the familiar small space that you have been accustomed to. Today was the worst day for you. Job really felt like shit and your girlfriend just dumped you like it was nothing. The 4 years of loving each other, giving everything to her was all drained down the pipe for nothing. You gave all her what you can but it seems it wasn't enough.

You gave her chocolates, yet someone gave her 5 different boxes of imported sweets.

You gave her flowers, yet someone rented a whole flower shop for her on her birthday.

You skipped your days just to attend her needs, yet someone gave her what every person wanted.

You gave her a teddy bear, yet someone gifted her a whole toy store.

You spend a lot for her than yourself, yet someone offered the same but didn't even lost any penny.

You gave her your world, yet someone gifted her the universe.

You laid on your bed thinking of what you did to have this kind of life. Everything was just turning into shit day by day and nothing postive was coming out of your efforts to be better. It has come to the point that you found yourself thinking about going back to where you were truly happy.

"I just want to he happy!! What do I have to do to get my happiness back! What more can I do?!"

You thought to yourself as the alcohol has finally started to kick in your system. Your vision was turning blurry as the ceiling began dancing in perspective. The world was suddenly spinning around you yet you didn't have the energy to move up. You endure the dizziness and eventually the alcohol calmed down and so was your body.

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KNOCK

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KNOCK

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KNOCK

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"Anybody home?"

You woke up upon an unfamiliar voice. The sun was already peaking out of your room as your curtains danced slowly with the soft passing breeze that passed by. You yawned a little and stretched your arms out waking your whole body up. Your legs felt weak at the moment yet you were able to reel yourself to open the door as the sun's light blinded you for a few seconds.

"Who is it? Hmm?"

You blinked a couple times after your vision was finally back. You couldn't see anyone infront of you but your brain clarified you that there was indeed someone who called out to you-

"I'm down here Mister."

An irritated voice called out to you as you lowered your view and there you saw a highschool kid glaring at you. She looked at you as if you made the biggest crime known to mankind but you blinked a couple of times making sure you're awake.

"You're not a ghoul are you? Am I dead?"

This wasn't kindly received as the girl glared at you even more and harshly handed you a pot. You were caught off guard by her harsh action but you manage to catch the pot on your chest with your hands. The girl then began stomping her small feet away from you and mumbling the words

"Rude Ahjussi....."

You were left stunned not knowing what to do or say as you looked at the pot and there was a note attached to its cover.

"We're your new neighbors. And we made some Kinchi stew for you as our gift for you. Please treat us well"

You were honestly confused by their action because there was no way that people still do stuff like this especially in this new era of society. But if someone with a kind heart was offering you a gift then who are you to decline right?

Your day started off rather well with a free breakfast and you can even call it a hangover dish which helped you a lot since you were so DRUNK last night. You somehow ended up finishing the pot of food unconsciously because you were just taking and taking that you realized that the food was delicious. It somehow reminded you off home in sense but nonetheless, you had to return the favor for giving you such delicious food for breakfast.

You washed their pot and checked your wallet if you were still financially okay or on the brink of loaning. Luckily for you, you have enough money to pay the neighbors kindness but your mood suddenly took a dip seeing the picture of you and your girlfriend, or well, in this case, your Ex-girlfriend. You sighed and closed your wallet as you prepared yourself to buy some ingredients.

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"Yow Pham Hanni, why do you look like your pissed or something?"

"Don't start with me Minji."

Hanni snarled at her best friend who raised her hands up in surrender. Kim Minji has been best friends with Hanni since elementary and up until now. The two shared a lot of things together, spend time together and even sleep at each other's home sometimes.

"Chill, you're the one who needs to apologize to me remember? You almost broke my heart thinking your going far away."

Hanni's stoic expression suddenly cracked as she began to smile slowly and show an amused expression.

"Heh, Did I broke your poor heart Minji?"

"Of course Dummy. I was Almost about to cry my heart out the day you moved but here you are. Still in this city."

Hanni finally let her happiness get to her as she laughed whole heartedly making Minji chuckle at her. Hanni's Father was a contract engineer and sometimes, he has to move from one place to another making it for her family to stay at an original place sometimes. But this time, Her father finally was able to land a permanent spot in this city but unfortunately, they could only afford an apartment for now as their finance was still a little shambles after moving from places to places.

Though it was kinda sad for Hanni, it was more sadder for Minji because her heart would litterally crack open everytime Hanni would move away. This has been the 4th time since the Pham's move to a new home and Minji still can't take losing her best friend again.

"Haha, My bad Minji. But I promise you, this time I'm staying here."

"Promise me?"

Minji hugged her which made Hanni sigh but she found it disgusting how Minji gave her the puppy eyes. This was one of the 3 things Hanni didn't like about Minji. First is that she's quite lazy, second is that she's so soft and pure that sometimes, her kindness would lead to misunderstandings, and lastly is her puppy eyes. She just find it so disgusting and annoying.

"Yah, your an 18 year old girl yet your doing this puppy eyes? Ewww. Stop it Minji."

"Promise me? ~~~"

Minji didn't listen and just blinked more showing off her puppy eyes. At this point, Hanni wanted to puke her breakfast out but she just groaned and nodded her head. Minji smiled happily and hugged her even more tightly.

"Can't... Breath... You... Monster strength...."

"Opps, My bad hehehe~"

Minji chuckled as she let Hanni go making the small girl breath heavily.

"Why the fuck are you so strong?"

"I don't know?"

"Whatever"

"Anyway, Why did you looked annoyed earlier?"

Hanni sighed as she recalled the events from earlier. They just successfully moved last night and Hanni really wanted to skip classes today because not only she can rest, but she can finally see her childhood crush next to their house.

Yes, that's right. Hanni's childhood crush is you, your pathetic ass.

She was so excited seeing you last night enter your room but she also felt worried seeing you all wobbly and tired walking to your room. This kinda made her sad because time wasn't really that gentle with you. But then again, that was kinda true. So that night, she formulated a plan to finally see you face to face and it just so happen that her mother made the kimchi soup for you. Hearing about it, she immediately volunteered to give you the pot. Honestly, she was very nervous as every step she took towards your room made her heart race so fast.

She was afraid that she might slip up seeing you face to face but when she finally was infront of your door. She knocked 3 times and waited for you patiently. When the door opened, she finally saw you. She was a bit surprised seeing you so tall than what she last remembered but the thing that pissed her off was that, You were busy looking for her when she was standing infront of you. Hanni has a little ego when it comes to her height and this made her glare at you.

Without even thinking, she harshly gave you the pot and stared to walk away stomping her way out as her face show a bright red color. She was fuming with both embarrassment and anger not towards you but herself.

"FUXKK!! Why did I get pissed when he didn't look down on me!! Gosh, me and my temper! Arghh!"

She mumbled some words out of her frustration but she immediately covered her mouth hoping you didn't hear her and that's how her morning ended with you.

"So that's it huh? How old is he anyway?"

Minji asked Hanni as she wasn't really sure of what your age really was.

"Uhhhh, I first met her when I was 8 so it's been 10 years. He used to have a middle schooler uniform back then so maybe around 23 of 22? I'm not sure."

"Uhuh, So you like older guys huh?"

Minji smirked at her as she tried to make embarrassed but this only made Hanni giggle in delight and sway her body to the side. Minji was caught off guard by this as she didn't expect her best friend to be so deeply in love with someone older than their age.

"Woah Hanni, hide your blush girl. You're litterally telling me that you like older guys."

"I don't like older guys geez. I just like him Hehehehe~"

Hanni once again giggled like a madman in love and Minji could only chuckle. She was already aware of Hanni's first love but she didn't expect that her first love still stayed with her till now. She has to commend her best friend for her loyalty and perseverance to not let that love die.

"Is this why you rejected a lot of guys like even the popular ones like Sunoo, Sunghoon Oppa, and even Jay Oppa?"

"Yup, there nothing compared to Y/N Oppa. Heheheh~"

"Eh? What if he has a girlfriend?"

Hanni's smile dropped after realizing what her best friend said. She completely forgot about that possibility. 10 years of waiting and something like that wasn't out of the picture at all. Hanni sighed and pouted her lips indicating that she was now sad.

"Well if so, then I'll just be fine being friends with him then. I'm okay with just that."

Minji felt sad for her. She finally realized how much Hanni likes you to the point that she would throw away her happiness for yours. This somehow made her feel pity for her friend as a idea popped into her head.

"Hey, Listen to me Hanni."

"Hmm?"

"From here on out, I'll support you with your love journey with him."

Hanni smiled softly at her. It was nice for her to hear that Minji would support her whatever her decision maybe.

"Thank Minji. That means a lot."

"Heheh of course. That's what are best friends are for. Just don't turn into a Yandere though...."

"You bitch. We both know someone fits that category than us."

Minji chuckled and nodded her head.

"True, true. Well anyway, lunch is ending soon. Shall we walk Honey~"

"Shut up Minji. And yes, let's go back to class."

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School finally ended and Hanni was glad that the teachers didn't give them any homework to do cause she was tired asf. She didn't want to study anymore and her first aim to do was to go to her room and sleep. The sun was setting already when she arrived at their apartment building and the memories of earlier made her cringe. She had hoped that the events earlier was nothing but a nightmare.

"Stupid Hanni, what were you even thinking doing that."

She sighed as she opened the door to her house.

"I'm home~"

Hanni said as she removed her shoes and placed them on the shoerack near their door. She heard laughter coming from the kitchen as this made her curious.

"Did Mom brought over her friends?"

It wasn't unusual for her Mother to bring over some of her friends at their place as Hanni has grown accustomed to it. Sometimes she would think of it as a norm especially when her mother introduces her to some of her Mother friends son who's the same age as her. Honestly speaking, she didn't care about any of the guys that was being introduced to her as she was set on you and nobody else.

She got closer and there her breath hitched. Her hearth began to beat faster and her whole body froze. She gripped the hem of her skirt as a warm and hot temperature arose through her cheeks. You stood there smiling and laughing along with her mother as you converse about her.

You wanted to repay the delicious favor they did for you earlier so you went out and brought out ingredients needed for the dishes you prepared. It wasn't grande kind of dishes as you didn't have much on you but like the saying goes "Kindness isn't paid but rather showed".

A simple tteokboki dish that goes with some kimbap that your mother used to make for you when you were in Highschool. Her ways of making the food still lingered on your memory and it has become a comfort food for you whenever you feel down. It's just your laziness kicking in everytime you thought making the dish. But this time, that laziness was gone as you tried your best to make the best Gimbap there is inorder to repay the kindness they gave you.

You were quiet anxious in all honestly because this was your first time entering a place which isn't your home or your work place. But that was immediately washed away when the woman happily helped you carry the food as you thanked her for the dish earlier. The woman just shrugged it off as she introduced herself as Mrs. Pham. She wasn't korean but she was very fluent in speaking the language. You also began to help her out in the kitchen as she told you stories about her daughter.

Just by hearing the stories that she was saying, it sounded like her daughter was very smart and outgoing person. Then a sudden realization hit you in the face. The girl from earlier must have been her daughter but remembering what happened earlier, you began to question yourself why she was mad at you in the first place.

"Ah, Hanni sweety, you're home. Meet Mr. Y/N Lee. He's the neighbor you gave the soup to earlier."

You looked behind you and you saw the girl from earlier but this time, instead of glaring at you, she seems to be in a state of shock and suprise. Both of you locked at each other's eyes as Hanni's thoughts were in shambles.

"Oh my gosh oh my goshohmygoshohmygosh!"

She didn't know what to do as You gave her a small smile and a simple wave as you felt embarrassed after the incident from earlier. You were in dire need to apologize to her because of some misunderstandings. Her parents seems really cool to be with and they also seem to be very wise as well.

"Hanni, Prepare the plates already and stop standing here."

Her mother's voice snapped her back to reality as she looked down embarrassed walking past you in a hurry. You were slightly suprised by her speed but you just thought that she must still have hated for earlier. You just let it bypass your thought and decides to leave the household because you already did what you originally want to do. But then, her father saw you slowly walking away and said

"Where you going young man?"

Even though you weren't looking at them, you felt pairs of eyes staring at your back with intensity which somehow made you nervous. You gulped silently and turned your back smiling at them awkwardly.

"Oh I uhh.. I'm going home now Sir. I just want to give back the food from earlier. Thank you by the way-"

"Hiyaaah, come and eat with us. Come on."

Mrs. Pham said as she brightly smiled at you. Her hand signalled you to come and eat with them but you just bowed and shook your head. The atmosphere around the household was something that you missed dearly on your own. The sense of family that you longed ago forgotten was slowly coming back at you because of them. It was quite joyful but at the same time sad for you.

"Come and eat with us Oppa, you deserve a little break"

Hearing the words of Hanni made you stiffen as you looked at her. The glare she gave you earlier was now gone and was replaced with a soft expression that you couldn't believe she was able to do. For some odd reason, her expression and words struck a chord in your heart as you held your emotion in tact. You didn't want to embarras yourself against them after all because you know they were good people.

"If Hanni says it’s okay then you should stay Y/N."

Her father said finally making you concede to their decision for you to stay. You walked back towards the kitchen and offered a seat for Hanni, you were after all a guest and it's the owners rights to sit first and you be the last. But for Hanni, her heart was ready to explode by your gesture. Sure, some may say that it's just an etiquette to show but for Hanni, this was something she will forever embed in her memory.

"Take a seat Hanni"

"T-Thank you O-Oppa..."

"No problem."

Dinner proceeded like normal as if you were part of their Family. It was weird because that old feeling of belonging came crashing down on you and you felt your emotion slowly cracking open. You held to your chopstick tightly and gripped it tight holding yourself in. But Mrs. Pham noticed this as she felt pity towards you. What she was seeing in you was not an adult man but rather, a tired and worn out soldier who's been keeping himself strong for a long time now.

"Y/N-ssi.."

"Y-Yes?"

"It's okay. It's okay."

Her warm and comforting words was the final nail to your coffin as you bit your lips as they quivered slowly. Tears began to slowly fall out of your eyes and Hanni felt so devastated seeing you crying.

"Oppa..."

"N-No, It's okay.. I-I'm fine... I'm fine really.."

Your words didn't match your action as tears was falling from your eyes as you try your best to hide them but to no vail. Everything about the household just broke you because seeing how they were all connected made you remember the past you used to have. The happiest moment you used to have before was gone and it was painful because you didn't ask anyone to remove that happiness from you. It was taken from you and seeing the Pham family act like how you used to, made you miss the old times. You covered your eyes preventing you to lose more tears but then suddenly, Mr. Pham stood up and patted your back.

"It's all right Kiddo, let it all out."

Their kindness towards you, a complete stranger was really getting you to break down your walls that you built so much. The protection towards not showing weakness was taken down immediately. Ironically, kindness was the reason it was taken down.

Hanni clenched her fist in sadness and worry because she didn't expect you to cry your heart out. The silent sniffles was all she needed to know that you went through a lot of hardship, alone.

"Oppa...I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

Hanni blames herself for being not there whenever you needed help. This was preety obvious that you were fighting your own problems alone and as great as it sounds, it wasn't a healthy way of dealing a problem. This only gave Hanni more reason to be by your side. At this point, she wasn't even thinking to be your wife, just a friend is enough for her as for the moment.

You have expected that Dinner would be awkward after your embarrassing breakdown but no, it didn't. It become more livelier than earlier as her parents told you amazing stories about their life, their struggles, and many more. Her father has told you many inspiring words that you surely will live out. You were slowly admiring Hanni's father because of her wisdom and his wife for her comforting words. You felt like you were home again with them and that brought a small smile upon your face. You offered your services to wash the dishes but Mrs. Pham decline the offer and told you to rest up. You tried to push for your agenda but in the end, Mrs. Pham won.

You thanked them and apologized for the nuisance you cause but they just brushed it off and even told you that you were welcome in their home anytime. You weren't gonna lie, you actually had a great time there and it was one of the few positive moments you have so far since being an adult. Hanni was the one who had to walk you towards your room even though it was less than a minute walk but you didn't complain.

"Listen Hanni. About earlier, I'm sorr-"

"I should be the one apologizing Oppa. I was too insensitive towards you. Please forgive me"

Hanni bowed to you with her entire back bend forward as you were surprised by her action. You actually didn't mind her actions earlier because you felt like you were the one who caused it anyway.

"N-No, it's okay Hanni. I should be the one apologizing to you because I was the one who's insensitive towards you. I didn't know you were small.."

Hanni bit her lip controlling her rage because she hates it being called small.

"But you're cute. I-I mean you being small adds to your cute factor. Gosh what am I saying to a teenager? I'm so out of touch from reality."

You groaned and gave yourself a self palm to the head as the words that came out of your mouth was something inappropriate especially since Hanni was still a teenager and your a grown ass man. Saying stuff like that in the open would immediately send you to jail and your life will forever be fucked. But Hanni was the opposite, she loved every word that you said and her face right now was Red as a tomato. She took in deep breaths in order to calm herself down before fixing her posture and looking at you.

"Well I don't mind you calling me Cute Oppa cause that's true anyway."

That sentence made you chuckle at her and shook your head.

"Yah, you shouldn't be too proud of yourself. That can bite you in the ass."

"Hmph. Nope."

Hanni smiled brightly as you just chuckled at her. Even though you two were now talking comfortably, you still somehow feel bad for her with the incident earlier.

"Listen Hanni, is there anything you want? I kinda still feel bad for earlier. Let me make up for it."

"Please be my boyfriend...”

She wanted to say those words out loud but she still has a lot of things to do and this was a great baby steps for her in order to achieve that goal.

"Hmmm well, there's a movie I really want to watch so.... Maybe we can go watch it together in the weekends Oppa?"

This was her shot, well probably her best shot of her life and she just laid it out. In her defense, this was the best opportunity to have and she might not even get another chance like this again.

"Weekends huh? Sure, I can make time in Saturday."

Hanni wanted to die from happiness. One of her dreams on going on a date with you was finally happening as she she flashed you the best smile she ever has. You on the other hand found it adorable how Hanni smiled sweetly at you.

"Alright, here's my number Oppa. Contact me when your free. Hehehe~"

"Ah right, here's mine too."

Hanni gave you her number which you saved in your contacts as Hanni did the same.

"Well, see you around Oppa. Goodnight and also, Thanks for the food, they were delicious."

Hanni gave you a thumbs up as you just chuckled and shrugged your shoulders. The moonlight was quite bright tonight as the full moon showed itself in the black sky. You waved her goodbye as she walked away smiling and happily waving at you. You entered your room and you immediately noticed the atmosphere between Hanni's house and yours.

"They are such a sweet family. I wished my family stayed together like them..."

You could only sigh at that false wish as you did your nightly routine and headed to bed.

Hanni meanwhile was smiling ear to ear and dancing in her room listening to New Jeans as her day was complete. She finally got her ultimate crush number, converse with him, and finally set a date between the two of you. Hanni's luck was truly kind towards her today and she couldn't be more thankful towards the man above.

"Thank you God for today. Please, please let me be his Woman. If not then at least let me be his shoulder to cry on."

Although everything was going great for her, she still couldn't help but feel sad for you after all.

"Y/N went through a lot in the span of 10 years huh. He really deserves a happy life ahead of him. Hmm... What should I do to make that possible..."

Through out the night, Hanni thought off many possible ways to make your smile appear once again, and this time, a smile that wasn't sad or broken but rather, a smile that showed true happiness.

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The days for Hanni was slow and she hated how time was moving so slow as if it was preventing her to get what she wanted. She has been restless lately thinking on what she would wear, how she would act, and how she should attract you. But even though she was quiet anxious and annoyed of the slow days, she was quiet glad of taking your number because the two of you have been in touch lately.

You find it very surprising that talking with Hanni on the phone was actually quite enjoyable and fun to be. You enjoyed listening to her afternoon rant and late night conspiracies because you found it amusing that someone like her is already running wild in imagination. It was something you lost before and it's probably the reason why your life has been dull. The lack of imagination and inspiration to create such imagination was long gone. There was no way for you to recreate those crazy and creative imagination of yours but hearing Hanni's crazy imagination, well you couldn't help but smile at that.

Hanni was what you were before, an energetic, creative, and adrenaline pump person. People like that are very rare to find nowadays and growing up, you lost your old self in order to adapt to society and act like the adult because you are now THE adult. Finding time to be foolish was already off your calendar as there was no time for that, everything needs to be serious in order to accomplish something.

Even though Hanni didn't like hearing advices, There was an exception towards you. Hanni would sometimes spill some days where she hated it and you would come up and tell her some advices and things she would work out on. Of course, she didn't like it at first but realizing that you went through tough times, this was the best way for her to at least Change some of her bad habits that she has grown out off. Although it was good for you that you were advising Hanni, she didn't like it completely because she felt like she was being treated like a kid by you.

She wishes that this kind of advices wouldn't just let you see her as a kid but she hoped that it would get past that. This is one of her fears especially when it comes to liking you now. You were the adult between each other so it was only natural for you to act like one but can you look past Hanni as a kid? That question was one thing that made Hanni anxious of what she will do next.

Nonetheless her questions would be answered on their Movie date.

Hanni woke up earlier than usual as her heart was pumping so fast. This was the day she finally can get on a date with you which she could only dream off. She had already prepared the clothes she was gonna wear for this day last night as she made sure that her outfit would literally captivate you. She had asked Minji about her opinion on what she would wear and the chaotic pair would end up emptying the closet of Hanni leaving her room a total mess. As if a tornado was able to enter her room, Minji was able to find the best outfit for her despite the carnage around her room.

Minji might be the best stylist Hanni has ever met in her life because Minji is that type of girl who can lead a new trend. The powers she holds if she was casted on a photoshoot, Hanni would bet that Minji would change the game in the fashion industry.

Hanni took a double shower and made sure the shampoo she was using would create a beautiful scent if passed by. She usually stay at the shower room for half an hour but today, she made sure nothing would be flaw in her body as she took longer than usual. Her father could raise his eyebrows because he would be in for a suprise seeing the water bill slightly increase.

You on the other hand was eating your ramen as you forgot to buy ingredients once again because of the tiring workload you did this week. As if last week wasn't hellish enough, this week was doubled than the last. Everyone was working overtime because they couldn't afford leaving their work in overdue. Everyone wanted a break so they all decided to do overtime which in turn causes them to lack sleep and proper rest. You were part of the suffering as you didn't even had a proper meal the entire week.

Instant food was your go to lunch, dinner and breakfast which wasn't very healthy to begin with. Even though the days were tiring, seeing the messages of Hanni every night was enough to leave a small smile on his face. Hanni was slowly becoming your happy pill because her energy is just so contagious that you couldn't help but feel a smile forming on your face every time you would see her in the apartment hallways or in her messages.

Today was the day to somehow thank her for being a reason that brings a smile on your face. You took a quick shower and checked some clothes for you in your closet. You wanted to slap yourself from embarrassment as all of your clothes were all too formal and a quick realization hit you.

"I guess I didn't even have time to buy clothes for myself huh.."

You sighed as you decided to wear your white polo and your usual formal pants. You decided to remove the suit jacket in order to look less formal because today was your off day. You hoped that Hanni wouldn't mind your attire at all considering you look like your usual uniform. Nonetheless, you got out of your apartment earlier than the supposed meet up because you didn't want to show up late.

You messaged Hanni saying your outside her apartment when a few seconds later, Hanni came out looking very preety. Your eyes landed front upon her beauty as you were star struck by her visuals. This was your first time seeing Hanni without her uniform and you immediately saw the difference between her Uniform attire and casual clothes. She wore a simple white shirt and light brown jacket that goes along well with her brown baggy pants.

You chuckled seeing how adorable she looked with her pants while Hanni blushed and pouted seeing and hearing you chuckle.

"Yah, What's so funny Oppa?"

"Ah no it's nothing."

"Nothing? You liar. You're laughing at my outfit huh?"

"No, no of course not. You actually look adorable with your attire."

Well that was enough to make Hanni flustered. She froze in place for a couple of seconds as the words that came out of your mouth replayed over and over her thoughts.

"So, what movie do you wanna watch Hanni?"

"H-Huh? Oh umm.. Let's just go to the cinema and see if it's still there."

"Sure. Let's go."

The two of you walked away from the apartment building as Hanni began to converse about you about her school life. It took you by suprise when you heard her say that she's actually quite smart. You decided to tease her making her whine at you and pout cutely which you didn't mind at all. But unknown to you, Hanni actually loved it and was blushing slowly. Through out the walk, Hanni couldn't help but glance at you whenever she has the chance too. Your simple formal attire just makes her heart weak and makes her heart flutter.

Upon arriving at the Cinema, you were suprised by how many people were there and your attention immediately landed on Hanni. Your instinct kicked in as you held her hand which made Hanni blush furiously. The way your hand made contact with hers made her loose her common sense as she stares at her hand holding yours.

"Hold on me tight Hanni, you might get lost."

Hanni didn't hear you as you pushed through the wave of people gently shielding Hanni from the tight crowd. It was quite a Challange but you managed to arrive at the ticket booth with no problem as Hanni was still ecstatic with her hand holding yours.

"What Movie are we watching Hanni?"

"I luv yu..."

"Hmm? I don't think there's a movie called like that though."

You looked over at the category of the words that Hanni said but for the girl, she was blushing madly because of embarrassment. Her mind just suddenly process her initial thought and it came out of her mouth. She was glad that you were slow to realize it or even better, you didn't realize it at all. Which in turn, saddened Hanni partially but she brushed that thought off anf held your hand even tighter as she pointed at the movie she wanted.

"I want to watch that Oppa."

"Hmm? John Wick?"

"Yup."

"It's rated SPG and I don't think your height is.."

"Do you wanna die Oppa?"

Hanni looked at you with a deadpan expression which you couldn't help but laugh a little and press her cheeks. Both of you widen your eyes after the action that you just did. Hanni blushed as she eyed you while you slowly pulled away your hand from her cheeks.

"Why... Why is my heart racing? God no.."

A slight blush appeared on your face as you eyed Hanni who was staring at you with a shock yet calm expression. You didn't even think of doing the act as you just instinctively touched her cheeks like it was the most natural thing to do. You gulped hard and looked away.

"Sorry Hanni..."

You were now completely ashamed of yourself. Once again, you fucked up a great friendship because of your usual self. For sure right now that Hanni hated you-

"I... Kinda like it Oppa.."

You quickly look back and saw Hanni smiling at you with the most brightest smile you have ever seen in your life. Hearing the assurance out of her voice and that sweet smile somewhat calmed your nerves down. Something about this girl was making you intrigue of your own self.

You bought two tickets for the movie and when you thought Hanni wouldn't supriseyou anymore, she surprised you again when she was so emerced on the movie even cursing out the bad guys. You couldn't help but laugh at her. This kind of behavior was once you had but had dissappeared so seeing Hanni act like you used to was a sight to see. But the thing that suprised you the most is that, this kind of behavior was what you hate the most especially when watching movies but for some odd reason. Seeing Hanni act like that somehow made you appriciate people like that.

"The movie was great! Isn't it Oppa? John wick is really badass! He went Woosh and then he picked up his gun and went Bang Bang to those losers."

Hanni was hyped up after seeing the movie as she mimicked the character on the movie and even did some impressions of him. You simply smiled at her cute antics as the two of you were walking at the mall hoping to find a restaurant to eat and luckily for you, your favorite restaurant was opened as you and Hanni took a seat and ordered your food.

"Say Oppa, what kind work do you do? A teacher?"

You chuckled and shook your head. Hanni had been so far the only person that has put a smile on your face. Your life has been boring yet in just a span of a week, Hanni has turned that frown into a smile that can't seem to be erased. Her presence alone made you smile unconsciously.

"No, I work at an office Hanni. You know the typical guy who works on his computer all day. Boring isn't?"

"Nope, that's sounds fun actually. Did you try folding a paper and making it into a paper plane? It's fun seeing them fly in the office. Or better yet, did you shoot a crumple paper on the trash bin and shot it saying Kobeee like that?"

Her eyes was sparkling upon saying her ideas and you couldn't even talk. It sounded like basic ideas yet when Hanni says it, it sounded like it was legit fun.

"Well, I didn't do any of that..."

"Well now you can try.. Hold on, I think I have an idea."

Hanni grabbed the tissues on the table and began to fold them in a particular manner as you sighed and saw the paper plane or tissue plane if you would call it.

"Alright Oppa, See the trash bin there?"

"Yeah."

"If I shoot this and it landed on that thing. You need to double my order. Deal?"

"What? Why would I-"

"Hmm? Is Y/N-Oppa scared? Hmm??"

Hanni taunted you giving you a smug look which you just playfully scoffed and shook your head.

"Go ahead. Try it."

"Heh, Don't underestimate me. For my name is Pham Hanni, Watch."

Hanni closed her left eye as she focus her sight on the trash bin. Her face looked so focused and her hands felt relaxed. She was confident on herself and it was preety obvious for you that Hanni was a skilled person. You gulped silently as your wallet couldn't afford another order of the foods here. With a deep breath, her hand moved forwards as the tissue plane went floating in the air twirling in some degree. The plane was getting closer to the target and this made you nervous. Sweat began to form on your forehead as your heart began to beat louder.

But at the last minute, the plane instead entered the Restaurant kitchen making Hanni bit her lips in embarrassment and you slowly looking at her. When Hanni met your eyes, both erupted in laughter making everyone in the rest a look at you weirdly. You apologized for the sudden outburst but Hanni didn't, she didn't care about there stares unless it was a woman staring at you lovingly then it's a different story.

"See? It's fun isn't it Oppa?"

"Yeah, I guess your right."

Hanni, a highschooler was able to make a simple thing fun without doing anything extra at all. Her creative imagination gave life to such simple thing and you were already captivated by it.

Lunch was fun once again with the help of Hanni and this was one of the few times where you enjoyed lunch with a companion. You were used to having lunch alone at the company building that it has grown accustomed to you that eating alone was normal but Hanni, showed you that having someone to eat with is more fun. The sun was already setting and Hanni decided to head into the park to relax her feet.

"Ahh, Did you know Oppa that this place is my comfort zone?"

"Well I just know now."

"Whenever I feel down or really tired, I go here and unwind my mind because it just relaxes me."

"I see..."

A place where you can fully unwind and remove all the thoughts away and just relax. That was one place you hoped to find soon but as of the moment there was no place close to something like that.

"Do you have a comfort zone Oppa?"

You shook your head at her question but at the same time this question struck you. You have never thought this question before because your comfort zone has always been your home but that disappeared. Home wasn't longer a comfort zone but rather a toxic environment now. It was suffocating you whenever you thought of how much it changed for the worst.

"Honesty speaking Hanni, my comfort zone before turned to a toxic one."

"Oh, I'm sorry..."

Hanni felt ashamed for saying such question as she scolded herself but you could only shook your head.

"It's alright. The reason I teared up on your home was because I was reminded of how my life before was before all shit went down.."

You sighed as Hanni saw the distress on your face. Today has been a blast lately and seeing how you looked sadden by the past made her feel sad a little too. Today isn't just for her to have fun as well, this was also your day to relax so she immediately came up with an Idea. A simple yet effective way to get that heavy feeling off your chest. She was hesitant to grab your hand again but she slapped herself on her thoughts because you needed her right now.

"Man up... Err I mean Go grab her hand Hanni! This is your chance!"

She told herself as she took a deep breath and gently grabbed your hand surprising you in the process. There was a visble blush on her face as she drags you to a nearby bench. You just let her be as you noticed how small her hands are compared to yours.

"Cute... Wait. What am I saying? She's literally a kid! I need to touch grass..."

Both sat down and infront of them was the park fountain and they stayed quiet for a few seconds observing their sorroundings. Hanni didn't let her hand go as she only made it tighter.

"You know Oppa, sometimes you just need to let those go of your chest and talk to someone about it. I'm all ears and I won't judge you at all. Like what Mom said to me, she saw you being so strong for so long that she pitied you when you broke down crying."

You softly chuckled as this was an embarrassment for you.

"Is that so?"

"Yeah, I kinda feel bad though when I saw you crying. It...kinda made me sad seeing you cry."

You saw the sincerity on her eyes and you can tell that Hanni really cared for you. Even though it was just a few days ago that you two met, it felt like Hanni knew you for a long time now.

"Heh, well my family life was like yours. All smiles and laughter. I though that it would last like that until I grow old but it didn't. Dad was caught having an affair with another woman and they filed for divorce. Dad moved out along with his stuff and you thought it wouldn't get worse but it did...."

Hanni noticed how your hands began to quiver and your eyes began to look broken and empty. Hanni couldn't bear seeing you in such state but she has to keep herself under control or she might do something she could regret.

"Mom was diagnosed with brain tumor that she kept from us, from me ever since I was young and I had to take part time Jobs for moms recovery but guess what? She died on the day of my graduation and instead of me celebrating my degree, I cried alone and mourned my mother's death. Ever since then, the word comfort zone became nothing for me as shit just keeps getting worse for me since then. Heh, I'm pathetic aren't I? I live the worst life of them all but it is what it is. "

Hanni hated how you smiled after saying those words. She hated how you were saying to yourself that everything was okay when it's not. She hates that you have been lying to yourself to show how strong you are but in reality, your weak. She hates that you have been so much and nobody was there for you.

"Hanni, listen we should-"

She shut you up when she pulled you closer to her and hugged you tightly. She could hear your heartbeat which seems to relax her but the thing that surprised you, was how much you felt at ease with Hanni being this close to you. That warm and comforting embrace that you longed to have was now presented to you. You couldn't help but feel a little emotional with how Hanni hugs you.

"Oppa, everything will be okay from now on. You don't have to carry everything on your own. I'm here with you now."

You bit your lips not wanting to cry but Hanni's embrace was just too much for you. You ended up sobbing quietly with Hanni comforting you by your side.

Your date was finally over as both of you were now walking the hallways of your apartment. You stopped at her front door as Hanni smiled happily at you.

"I had fun with you today Oppa, I hope you did too."

"Honestly speaking Hanni, I did. It's been so long since I last had fun like this."

This sentence made Hanni giggle in delight as she achieved what she needed to achieve this day.

"So shall we go on a date again Oppa?"

You chuckled at her wording but nodded your head nonetheless.

"I wouldn't call it date Hanni, but sure. I don't mind going out with you again."

Hanni jumped in delight as she hugged you tightly again. You were surprised at first but patted her head in response. You didn't know that Hanni was such a clingy person after all but that only adds to her charms. Hanni was about to pull away when a wild idea came to her mind. A small smile appeared on her face when she looked up to you. You weren't gonna lie, seeing her look up to you was adorable and it slightly made you blush.

"Oppa, do you pack your lunch?"

"Ummm no, I usually eat at the cafeteria."

"Eww the cafeteria. No, that's disgusting."

"What do you mea-"

Hanni placed a finger on your mouth shutting you up as she smiled at you.

"From here on out, I'll make you lunch boxes so that you don't have to eat in that filthy piece of shit cafeteria. Bleh!"

You wanted to refuse but Hanni was quicker than you as she pulled away and said goodnight before entering her house. You were just stunned by how Hanni dictate her decisions towards you as you just chuckled and shook your head in amusement. Hanni was the first girl you met that was actually fun to be with.

"I'm sure she would eventually forget about the lunch box thing."

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Like the famous quote "Teenagers scare the living shit out of me" says, Hanni did in fact kept her word and gave you lunch boxes everyday to work. Initially you wanted to refuse her offer but seeing the band-aids around her hand on that day, it made you realize that Hanni was very genuine in making you a lunch box. Of course this would worry you and checking her hand if it was okay and all that but Hanni would just blush and nod her head. She was quite the stubborn yet smart girl because she would ask you out for another hangout.

Even though Hanni insist it was a date, you keep the word Hang out to not mistaken their relationship. After all, You were a 22 year old adult and Hanni is an 18 year old high schooler. Society would immediately hound you to death knowing your dating a minor. Your so called Hang out ranges from Cinema dates, Dinner date, amusement park date, or sometimes, staying at your place blasting music and dancing together. But the more Hanni do this kind of stuff to you, the more you see Hanni in a different light.

The way she worries about you when you go to overtime, the way she messages you everytime you arrive home, the way she would invite herself to your apartment room when there's nothing to do, the way she took care of you when you got sick, and more importantly, the way she argued back with your boss when you were clearly unable to work. That memory will forever be stuck with you because instead of getting fired, you were instead given more time of rest as your effort at your job boar fruit. Hanni was extremely ashamed for herself that day but you instead hugged her and twirled her around thanking her.

That was the day Hanni finally saw the old handsome smile she fell in love with in the first place.

Everything she does towards you was bringing you that joy and fun that you solely lack in life. She was bringing back that light that you lost back then.

Hanni was slowly becoming your Miss Sunshine and it's quite concerning for you. Hanni was a good person both as a person and at heart. So for you to have such feelings for her was surely not appropriate. In fact, you are clearly seen as a big brother towards her more than anything. But this also seems to have cause a stir at your work place and that's the lunch boxes.

You see, everyone in your workplace have been seeing you eat alone and getting your food at the counter but ever since you brought Hanni's lunchbox, everyone has been curious on who's been giving you such food.

"Hey Y/N, nice lunch box."

"Ah, T-Thank you."

"So did you made it?"

"Ah no, Someone else did."

That immediately cause them to gasp in a surprising manner which confused the hell out of you.

"Y-You have a girlfriend?"

"Ah, No she's a friend of mine."

"But she makes you lunch boxes everyday?"

"Yeah"

"Bro, You're so lucky because if a girl made lunch for you everyday then they are wife material. Marry her and don't let her go!"

Those words have been sitting on your thoughts for some time now and everytime you would see Hanni smiling and getting close to you, it made you realize that the girl that once glared at you and harshly gave you food, was making you fall for her.

It sounded so wrong for you to be having feelings on a girl who's so much younger than you and that's the confusing part. You suddenly began to act differently towards Hanni to which she noticed immediately. Everytime she would get close to you, you would move away. When she messages you, you just simply say a one liner and tell her good night. You were pushing her away from your life because deep down you know, you know that you don't deserve her.

Of course your actions pains Hanni because she felt like she might have pushed herself towards you too much. Her worst fear was slowly creeping up on her and she didn't like that one bit. She decided to take a step back on her plans and go back to her roots. Her first steps. Surely that would help her right?

Your alarm clock rang once again indicating your normal boring day to start. You got out of your bed and checked your phone but to your surprise, Hanni hasn't even read your message last night. You sighed and messaged her a simple Good morning and did you normal morning routine. You turned on the morning news hoping to hear something good happening at the economy as you wear your usual work outfit.

"Huh? So today's afternoon forecast is rain huh?"

You looked out your window and saw that the sun was already hiding and dark clouds were ruling over the sky.

"More like morning will rain."

You turned your TV off and wore your shoes before getting out of your apartment. Hanni hasn't still read your messages which slowly made you worried. This was the longest Hanni has left you on read and surprisingly, outside of your apartment was her Mother.

"Oh, Mrs. Pham good morning."

You bowed at her but you notice the sad and empty look she gave you. You sense something bad had happened and your heart was starting to beat faster as this could mean something related to Hanni.

"Y/N. Have you seen Hanni?"

There goes your bad feeling. Cold sweats began to form on your forehead as you tried to keep yourself calm.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Pham but I thought she went home last night"

"She didn't.. I tried calling her multiple times but she's not answering and... I feel like this is our fault as parents for her running away."

You wide your eyes. Your ears was not deceiving you at all because you heard it loud and clear. Hanni ran away from home and hasn't contacted anyone since. You were slowly on the verge of panicking but you remained calm as there could be a place for her to be in.

"Did you try to contact anyone from her friends Mrs. Pham?"

"I did. I called Minji and she has no idea that Hanni ran away. I... I don't know where my baby could be..."

Mrs. Pham suddenly began to sob her eyes out as you pulled out your handkerchief and gave it to her. You rubbed her back hoping to calm her down because you know how much a mother loves her children to their deaths. But there was something that still lingered on your mind.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Pham for asking but you said earlier about something about your fault as a parent for letting Hanni ran away? Hanni never once told me any problem she was facing but this is the first time I heard of this."

You might be nosy right now but you couldn't let anything happen to Hanni right now. Your sunshine was missing and it was your turn to return the favor she has done for you turning your life upside down for the better.

"Well you  see me and my husband-"

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"Why is everything falling on me so hard? What did I do to deserve this?"

Hanni thought to herself as she hugged her knees close to her. For the past few days, everything has been shity for her. School hasn't been to kind with her as her marks was slowly falling behind because of her family issues. Her parents have been constantly getting into fights lately due to her father wanting to prioritize their financial status by moving away once again. But her mother didn't want any of that money if it means making Hanni sad.

Both didn't end up in a good deal and in their fight ended up in hot claims of divorce. Hanni couldn't take such possibility as she didn't want to lose any of her parents. She had loved them so much and for her to be the reason why they would be divorcing, it was stabbing her heart.

Add in the slow fall of her relationship with you as you were clearly trying to push her away. Her once sanctuary in you was slowly disappearing right infront of her eyes. Add all this and Hanni couldn't handle it anymore as she decided that it was better off to run away from her problems, to run away from all worries and just be free.

"Mom.. Dad, I'll miss you surely.."

A tear escaped her eyes as she was set to a new goal for herself and for the better of everyone. Surely she wasn't gonna be missed by anyone if she just dissappeared from everyone.

"Oppa, I'll miss you..."

This time, her emotions was slowly getting the best of her and it didn't help that rain was slowly falling down on her. Her walls began to show crack as she recalls the moments she felt so love whenever she was with you. The memories both of you shared flashed on her mind making her realize that she had so much fun being with you. The way her heart relaxes even now just by thinking of you shows how much you impacted her life positively.

The rain suddenly got harsher yet she stayed there, on the bench getting soaked not minding the rain at all. Her body began to shiver from the cold harsh rain and she could feel her feet and hands getting stiff from the rain.

"Maybe this is better.... Dying from the cold..."

She closed her eyes and accepted her faith. There was no hope for her to fix the problem because she is the problem after all.

"Goodbye Minji, I really appriciate you being my friend because I'm such a loser. Thank you so much for giving me such fun and memorable memories."

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"Goodbye Mom, Dad. I know that Dad was just thinking about all of us but guess what? I'm a stubborn child after all and weak one too. I couldn't handle seeing you fight because of me and I hope the two of you will be happy after all this."

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"Oppa, I'm sorry for being too clingy towards you. I must have been a creep towards you huh? I'm sorry for acting like a spoiled annoying bitch towards you. I'm sorry for bothering you all this time. I'm sorry for all the mistake I did for you, all the pain and confusion I did towards you. I'm sorry.…I truly am sorry because I.... Love you Oppa and…goodbye... "

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"HANNI!!!"

You finally spotted her as you sprinted towards her faster than anyone as your adrenaline pumped to the max. You immediately covered Hanni from the rain and saw her shivering from the cold rain. She slowly opened her eyes and even though they were quite Blurry she will never forget the face of the person she loved.

"O.... Oppa..."

"Don't say anything. We're going to the hospital okay?"

You immediately removed your large jacket and coated Hanni with it. Her eyes was now slowly getting a good vision of you as notice how she looked so tired and broken. This made your heart crack as you held her cheeks warmly making Hanni love your touch. It was comforting and warm.

"Now hold on Hanni. I'm gonna carry you."

"W-What?"

Her weak voice made you more inspired as you carried her in a princess like manner as you held the umbrella on one hand while carrying her as well. By some godly strength, you carried Hanni so fast to the hospital in less than 5 minutes as upon arriving there, you called out doctors and nurses immediately. You didn't care if everyone was looking at you. A doctor and some nurses then came to your aid as you gently placed Hanni on a hospital bed.

They proceeded to do their medical stuff as you anxiously wait for the result on the waiting room. Obviously, you were the only soaked person in there as you would attract some eyes but you didn't care. All your mind could process is that Hanni will be alright and nothing bad will happen. Upon hearing that Hanni ran away, a place immediately landed on your though as you hurriedly made your way to the park where Hanni told you was her comfort zone.

Not long afterwards, the doctor would come out as you stand up hoping for the best.

"How's she doc?"

"She's fine. She's in a stable condition now but if she was 5 minutes late, she could be in critical condition because of hypothermia."

You sighed out a breath of relief as you wanted to thank the man from above.

"We're moving the patient to a private room. We just need a signature from her parents or her legal Guardian."

"I'm that person Doc. I'm......"

"You're?"

You gulped as you were afraid to say this word but at a time like this, there was no other way.

"I'm her boyfriend Doc."

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"Ugh where.... Where am I? Why is the ceiling so... White?"

Hanni spoke as she was looking around her new surroundings. This was very new to her as she tried to sit up but immediately noticed the tube injected to her left hand.

"I'm at a hospital? What happened? Hmm?"

Hanni noticed a hand holding her right hand tightly as the person was slowly waking up. Hanni widen her eyes seeing you look up at her. You immediately widen your eyes as you hugged her tightly surprising her. Her heart immediately began to face faster and her cheeks getting warmer.

"O-Oppa? Why.. Why are you here?"

"Thank God you're already awake Hanni. I was so worried sick you know."

This sentence only made Hanni blush even more as she could feel herself melting at your embrace. You finally pulled away from her as you checked her temperature on her neck and forehead. Your small gesture of checking up on her reminded her of when she took care of you when you were sick.

"O-Oppa I though.. I thought you hated me. But you saved me... Again. Just like last time.."

You softly gave her a warm smile and patted her head. You finally realize what those words meant as her mother finally told you the first time you met Hanni.

"Yeah, I finally remembered the 8 year old kid I saved from the pedestrian lane before. I didn't know she grew up so beautiful."

Hanni widen her eyes and gave you a look of shock. There was no way that you finally remembered her after all as her facial expression made you laugh whole heartedly.

"Yah, if you know then why did you kept quiet all this time?"

She pouted her cheeks at you cutely as you couldn't help but cup her cheeks on your hand making her blush furiously.

"I only figured out after your mother told me. Speaking off your mother, Your parents are kinda dissapointed at you."

Hanni lowered her head in shame as she knows that what she did was something she can't apologize for. It was an impulsive decision for her and she has nobody to blame but herself.

"But, I talked to your parents about their issues and told me that the whole divorce thing was just said because of the heat of the argument. There was really no reason for the two of them to separate."

This made the small girl smile happily as she was glad that the issue of her parents was solved. But there was still one problem that lingered on her mind.

"Oppa, I have to apologize to you."

This made you confused as you removed your hand on her cheeks. She played with her fingers as a blush was evident on her cheeks and she couldn't properly look at you in the eye.

"I.. I'm sorry for being too clingy towards you. It must have felt a little awkward with me, a high schooler getting all comfortable with an adult and-"

"Okay Hanni, Stop and listen to what I'm about to say."

You looked at Hanni in a serious expression as Hanni's heart beat was so loud and warm sweats began to form on her forehead. Your intense stare was making Hanni weak.

"I need to apologize for trying to push you away cause you see, I may have put myself in a pickled situation."

This time, Hanni notice a red stain appearing on your cheeks as her heart began to beat faster. Is her dream fantasy finally becoming a reality?

"Ever since you arrived to my life, everything has been so bright and positive with me. Like I feel like the traces of my old self dissappeared because of you. You ,Pham Hanni changed my life for the better in just a couple of months. Nobody has given me this much joy and fun in my life since I was a high schooler and because of that, I'm so forever thankful of you. "

Hanni could only nod at your words as you know the following words that will come out of your mouth is not from the brain but from the heart. With one deep breath you continued.

"Hanni, during those months of fun and enjoyment with you is something that will never be replaced and because of that I...might have caught something like.. Ummm you see I eventually-Argh! fuck it."

You couldn't properly say it but with one strong motivation, you said the words you wanted to say with your heart.

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"I love you Hanni."

Now Hanni's mind blew out as she couldn't believe what she just heard. Eight letters and 3 words, it was finally said by her first love towards her as this took a while to process but when she finally realized what she heard. She couldn't hide the happiness that her heart was beating.

"So you see, I plan to tell your parents that I love you-"

You were silenced when Hanni pulled your collar closer to her face as your lips touches hers. Her small peach flavored lips gave you an euphoric sensation that elevated your body to the top. Her lips locking with yours felt like you finally found the missing piece to your puzzle. She pulled away giggling and smiling sweetly at you.

"Oppa-No, Y/N, I love you too. Your my first love hehehe~"

Now that was a surprise but nonetheless you smiled back and cupped her cheeks and kissing her forehead.

"So you have been in love with me for 10 years?"

"Yeah, I do. I sounded desperate huh?"

"No, no you're not. That just adds to your charm."

"Hehehe, Anything to make you love me~"

The two of you shared another kiss but this time, the two were now fully aware that they loved each other and their hearts belonged to each other.

Even though that failed flower fell to the ground, it can become a foundation to bloom a better, stronger tree for flowers to bloom themselves. There is no failure in life, there is only bumps that we need to overcome in order to proceed to the next step. And sometimes, we need our own miss sunshine to guide us.

#pham hanni #NEW JEANS #kpop fanfic #fluff #fanfiction #kpop #hanni x reader

[valc0]

Hannibal rewatch and Baldur's Gate 3 ramblings

I recently re-watched the first season of Hannibal after almost 8 years and since I’m now deep into another fandom (BG3) I analyzed some of the themes of the show and how parts of it could tie in with the story of the game, particularly when it comes to the Dark Urge.

I’m also doing a review because why the hell not. I divided the text into sections for convenience, so if you want to read only the review or are exclusively interested in my speculating ramblings on BG3 you can easily do that.

It’s a long one so let’s start.

REVIEW

THIS REVIEW IS NOT SPOILER FREE AND WILL GO INTO GREAT DETAILS ABOUT THE TWISTS AND PLOT POINTS OF THE SHOW.

If you didn’t watch it and you like thriller/crime/horror please do yourself a favor and watch this show now!

I’ll start by saying season one, to me, is almost perfection. It’s 13 very well crafted and acted episodes and almost none feel like filler (almost but we’ll get to it). The crime of the week structure is integrated with the horizontal themes of the season seamlessly and the story avoids exploring too many parallel plots, making the theming very cohesive.

I remember watching this show for the first time and finishing season 1 in about 2 to 3 days, but I’d never think the same would’ve happened a second time. The first 5 episodes had me in a clutch from the start. Every character is fleshed out and extremely well written, the acting is impeccable, the writing is phenomenal and the visual, even when getting symbolic, never seem gratuitous or nonsensical in their use of analogies and dream-like visions.

The photography is also phenomenal, with great use of contrast that makes the image and scene clear even though it's set in the dark or at night.

If I had to rate the season I think I’d definitely give it a 9/10, and the 9 is only because of two small things that I figured I’d get out of the way first:

(I must remember whoever is reading this that these are my opinions, they don’t mean to offend anyone else differing opinion. You’ll see what I mean in a second.)

Alana Bloom x Will Graham is forced, comes out of nowhere, and makes Will act out of character most of the times.

I’m not getting into ship-fighting, this is not about shipping, I like Hannigram but I have no dog in this fight so this is totally not about it. Episode 8 is great, it has one of the best kills in the whole season and Will deteriorating stability makes for great lines and visuals, other than a lot of tension since he can no longer be predictable and ends up disrupting Hannibal plans.

And though I could attribute the way he acts towards Alana as something he does because of this deteriorating mental state, it doesn’t really feel like it. He seems very present during those scenes and acts weirdly romantic for the reclusive stray-collector, whose primary hobby is fishing and who’s been plagued by visions of death in the past episodes.

I would have rather see them to grow more of a non-romantric connection that may or may not have become romantic in later seasons. It all seems a bit rushed imo.

I also know they are setting up the Alana x Will x Hannibal. Which I’ll be honest I don’t remember liking the first time I watched it...but we’ll see.

2. Episodes 9 and 11 slow the show and kind of drag the pace.

Episodes 9. The totem of bodies is a very striking and memorable visual, but the crime in itself is very bland and the killer only gets a 5 minute scene towards the end which is anticlimactic and kinda too much tell with too little show. It’s honestly a shame because the murders in the previous episodes were very well crafted and paced. This one, not so much. I understand the need to connect the themes of “legacy” and “family” with Abigail’s actions but I feel like there could have been better ways to do that in previous episodes.

Episodes 11. I loved the whole Chesapeake Ripper fake-out, but I’ll be honest I don’t think I needed a whole other episode of Abel Gideon’s story. Didn’t really care for the plot of this and the pace was a little too slow. Good things about this episode are the ending with Hannibal at his most manipulative, and the fact that it starts Chilton’s comedic chain of misfortunes– which cracked me up the first time I watched the show because come on!! this guy is awful and can’t catch a break, you love to see it.

Now that the “bad” is out of the way let’s talk about the good, which is honestly everything else.

Episode 1

Banger of a pilot. Everything for the rest of the show is set up in only 42 minutes if you can believe that. Characters are fleshed out, themes are placed, conflicts are started. By the end of the episode all you want is MORE. I have very little else to say other than the pacing of this one should honestly be studied, a lot of modern series would need the lesson imo.

Episode 2

Interesting case with a lot of great scenes that reinforce the characters and their relationships. You get a first glance at how campy? the show can be, which is honestly something I love, I’m kinda tired of the “realistic to the point of boredom” trend I’ve been seeing lately. Freddie Lounds is properly introduced as the disrupting force she is and we get a jumpscare that made me curse. Sorry, did I forget to mention I’m watching Hannibal and I cannot stand horror? Lmao

Episode 3

LOVE this episode, the way this show makes you feel powerless as you watch the events unfold knowing full well what is happening and who is responsible...amazing! I love Abigail’s character and the very innocent and pristine way she is portrayed when you know later on the truth will come out is chilling.

Episode 4

I remember how grim I found this episode the first time and the feeling returned the second time around. Hated the killer with every fiber of my being and the fact that she kinda looks like Catherine Tate made me die a little. Also the scene of Hannibal making himself a family through gaslighting and creative use of drugs and lies was amazing.

Episode 5

I loved this crime and the way the episode paces the killings. The angel symbology was great, I’m a sucker for catholic and religious themes tied into vicious crimes. The series also introduces Bella, Jack’s wife, which I’ll be honest I don’t remember having a good ending...I don't remember exactly how, but I know I will cry.

Episode 6

Favorite episode by far, the tension in the flashback scene is palpable and when you see Miriam looking at the sketch with the silhouette of Hannibal pacing towards her in the background AAAHGGG- RUN Miriam OMG! This is the episode where you realize how absolutely scary Hannibal’s physicality can be. Mads Mikkelsen is 1,83 (5ft 11) but he feels like a giant in those scenes, like you can do shit about it.

Episode 7

The episode’s case is a botched transplant one and it’s just okay, nothing too spectacular, but the way this series makes me hungry should be concerning, since I just watched Hannibal kill and butcher people who slightly wronged him to make a feast out of them. I’m sorry, whoever is directing the shooting of the food is doing a good job, okay?

Episode 8

My second favorite episode yay! I love this kill because it’s so over the top. Also the visual of a person played like a cello is haunting just as much as the sound they decided to give it. “He had to open you up to get a decent sound out of you.” okay Will go off?!?! A bit sad they took this murder from Hannibal since I believe it was his in the books, but the end fight was worth it (though when Tobias started swinging his impromptu cello string weapon I did cackle because omfg calm down)

Episode 9

See section above

Episode 10

I shat myself watching this episode with all the horror vibes I’m dying please, I’m watching this through my fingers like a baby. I did love this episode though, and the final twist of Hannibal going to such lengths to be sure he leaves NO ONE behind is terrifying. Dr. Sutcliffe even agreed with him and didn’t show signs of wanting to betray or rat him out, and yet in the big scheme Hannibal still found it better to kill him. Scary stuff.

Episode 11

See section above

Episode 12-13

Putting these together because they are the finale and are closely linked to each other. There is no real “crime of the week”, though Georgia Madchen dies at the start of episode 12 and Abigail...dies at the start of episode 13. Will continuously declining psyche is very well portrayed, you really feel powerless with him as his brain keeps betraying him over and over at the worse possible times. Also Hannibal fake-empathy is so uncomfortable to me...knowing the lengths he’d go to manipulate the situation after seeing all the “behind the scenes” is chilling. All in all it’s a good finale though it really doesn’t feel like one. By the end Will managed to see Hannibal’s true colors, but I don’t think he’ll fully understand what he’s fighting against until he actually sees Hannibal in action, so it does feel inconclusive in a way. We do get Hannibal funny naked fursona is all its glory though so, big happy for me!

Now let’s get in my current fixation and tie in some of the themes of Hannibal with Baldur’s Gate 3. YAY!

BALDUR’S GATE 3 – Dark Urges, Bad Dreams and Worse Influences

Let’s get something out of the way first.

The Dark Urge is a very flexible and versatile character which is mostly – if not completely– shaped by the player. We get to decide if they refuse the Urge, with the bittersweet realization they still took all those lives and will have to deal with that guilt. OR we could make them machines of slaughter and death, embracing their father’s plan for them to be the killer they were made to become.

There are other variations of this and from what I’ve seen many Durges have very different characteristics depending on how the player interpreted and played the game.

This to say, all of the following dissertations on BG3 and the themes of Hannibal are my personal view of MY Durge or the way I see the character in general, which is extremely personal and could crash with someone else’s interpretation or headcanon. Keep that in mind while reading, if you see me using absolutes or if I forget an “imo” at the end of a sentence, remember this is ALL In my opinion, none of this is to be considered as a general and all-encompassing statement for every Durge out there.

That said, you’ll be surprised to know in my interpretation the Dark Urge isn’t Hannibal, what’s funny is that the Dark Urge isn’t Will either.

Durge is both characters at the same time, and depending where they are in their journey, this may change.

In the case of Will, towards the end of the series you get a more “start of the game” Durge. The memory loss, the confusing thoughts, the haunting dreams and then this weird hellish creature (Sceleritas Fel) guiding them. By this point Durge is still a victim of their circumstances, they can’t really grasp who or what they are and their mind is in complete shambles.

I can see a Resist!Durge in this scenario, someone completely horrified by their actions starting to question who they are, what they did, and if they can ever change. This point in the game isn’t spelled out as much, the narrator often refers to it but the real extent of psychological damage a Resist!Durge must face is left completely to the player’s interpretation, that’s why I think Will is such a great starting point to understand and visualize the character of Durge from a distant POV.

With Hannibal you get a more pre-tadpole pre-Orin-meddling Durge. Someone who knows what they’re doing and how to get what they want. I personally never saw my own Durge as this calculating, something in the feral way the Urge gets to the character in game made Hannibal a tad too composed to fully be an inspiration for Durge, but I’ve also seen other people Durges as cool and collected killers, and the comparison in that case works really well.

Another interesting characteristic of Hannibal we can see in Durge is the twisted way he thinks in relation to others. Hannibal calls himself Will’s friend, and I believe he’s genuine in his affection since the way he helps Will is in done in earnest.

This helping though, it’s monstrous in all sense. Hannibal lies, literally gaslights Will, meddles with his head and denies him medical help. He manipulates him into killing, only to watch what unfolds simply because he needs someone who understands him. By dragging Will deeper into his world and making him a killer, Hannibal cultivates what he perceives as Will’s true nature and potential, making the man a suitable friend for himself.

It speaks to Hannibal narcissism that he would consider helping someone as making them more like him. But then again that’s also why Hannibal is so drawn towards Will, because he thinks differently and he IS different from him. He doesn’t have the same amount of interest or even respect for someone like Tobias, who’s probably the most Hannibal-like killer we get to see in season 1.

He needs the challenge, he needs to feel in control. And ultimately, though not in an usual sense, Hannibal needs a friend. He is lonely.

This works a lot for Durge in the sense that they may or may not corrupt people around them. As a player we get the choice and power to influence how companions act and react, and this kind of duality of “I like them, I want to help them” and “I want to make them like me” is a good motivation to give a Durge who may, for example, ascent Astarion, or turn Shadowheart more towards Shar, or give Gale a power complex (more so than he already has) ect.

BONUS! And then came Durgetash

In episode 1 Hannibal visits Will and brings him breakfast. While they chat in a honestly beautifully lit scene, this exchange happens.

Hannibal: You know, Will, I think Uncle Jack sees you as a fragile little teacup. The finest china, used only for special guests. Will: How do you see me? Hannibal: The mongoose I want under the house when the snakes slither by.

Did I mention I love Durgetash? Did I mention I go completely feral over unhealthy dynamics and specifically this kind of dynamic?

“The mongoose I want under the house when the snakes slither by.” is an amazing line for Gortash because I do believe the reason he wanted Durge to side with him was that Durge was extremely good at being undetected, and even more so skilled at killing the right target at the right time.

I love the idea of Gortash using Durge as a shield/weapon, and Durge using Gortash to economically sustain and socially shield Bhaal’s cult. I love to think their relationship was born because they were useful to each other and that in this completely selfish ecosystem they somehow found company.

Because I’m sure Durge pushed back. I’m sure they realized they were being used and didn’t like it one bit, and Gortash kept Durge around even though they may pose a threat, for the same reason Hannibal keeps running circles around Will. Gortash needs a challenge. Being head of Bane’s cult means that other than his God, no one else is above him, and I think a man who’s been fighting his whole life to gain control would feel a bit lost when this control is automatically given to him without a fight.

In the same way I think Durge would yearn for something more, something different than what they’re stuck with, which is a dying cult forced to hide beneath the city, and a jealous and over-zealous sister who I’m sure tries to kill them once a week. I think they would get pulled in by the promises Gortash would make. To rule together, above ground, for once not having to hide, getting back the power Durge feels like belongs to them.

The similarities I found between these characters are way more than these but I think I’ll have to make a part 2 of this once I’m done re-watching season 2. I’m aware the series has been out for a while and I’m sure people already made way more interesting and in-depth analysis. I still hope you liked my little morning ramble that turned in a full on essay on the subject.

Thank you for reading!

#bg3 #hannibal #the dark urge #baldur's gate 3 #nbc hannibal #durgetash #hannigram #i love murderous idiots what do you want from me

[happyk44]

Stayed up until 3:30 envisioning my daughter of Zeus OC from childhood that I crafted into an original original character having a nervous breakdown because the sky is loveless and law is loveless and order is loveless and at some point the love she has in her heart won't be enough

"the ocean is a possessive bastard that never wants you to leave, and the earth loves you so much it provides so you can live, and the dead are coated in love from grief, and homes are where love first sprouted, the warmth of the fire, and what is the core of family and marriage if not the love between people, but the sky?

the sky doesn't love you. you jump and it doesn't catch you, it will watch you plummet to the ground. the higher up you go, the harder it is to breathe. the sky does not want you, it does not love you. and the law does not love you. it doesn't care about you, who you are, how you are, the why's behind the rule you broke. it will structure itself how it sees fit, based on its own feelings of what is and isn't correct, and it will throw you away for the slightest infraction. it will kill you for not acting the way it demands.

and I am the daughter of the sky, I am the daughter of law. at some point love won't be enough to stop me from executing every person who so much as breathes wrong. my love is superficial. it is not authentic, it is not genuine, it is a thin, thin blanket covering my cold empty heart and I will not get to the point where it is ripped away! I will not be my mother, and I will not be my father! I REFUSE!

so please just let me die"

Naturally I tried to figure out how to sculpt this into a Jason monologue because who gives a shit about OCs, esp ones they've never heard of, lol, but it was 3:30 and I needed to sleep, and I was like meh it's not possibly for jaybird anyway, he's got that wolf in him

But Jason has also been continuously abandoned by every family he's ever had - his mom, the wolves, camp jupiter when they didn't go looking for him, leo and piper, probably more and so on, and I HC to be suicidal and actively self-harm himself

and you know what, I think it would be neat if everyone was like "Jason, you don't have time for friends, you need to learn to be a leader, you need to focus on training, blah blah blah" and he's desperate to see if he can have both and somehow someway he summons dead siblings to ask advice from or maybe he prays for advice and receives a dream from my stressed out baby girl who's basically like "I had so much love in my heart, it was slowly killing me every single day because my rules were small and stupid but they mattered so fucking much and people broke them all the tim and the intense need I felt to hurt them as punishment for their wrongdoings made me want to kill myself and the only reason I couldn't is because my friends kept catching me. don't befriend a child of Pluto or Mors, they're annoyingly adept and weirdly stubborn about you dying when they don't want you to"

ofc Jason is desperate. He wants people, he wants community. But she just shakes her head. "you're the oldest child of Jupiter here. You're the only child of Jupiter here. You have no choice. I was the youngest of my siblings. If I were in line to be praetor, if I were in line to be charge of my cohort, I would've tried so much harder to die because love and leadership are incompatible for us. Maybe it works out for other people, but not for us.

Abandon your affections, Jason. Crave friendship but never seek it out. It will hurt you less when it comes time to discipline those who break the rules. You are a tornado waiting to happen, you are a lightning storm. Your discipline will not be gentle and it will not be light. Do you want to be feared by those you love?"

and he shakes his head, wishing he was a softer person, one who shocked rather than electrocuted, one who didn't bear their teeth, and played with the breeze instead of manifesting gale.

"then love no one. because the fear will come no matter what, but love? that's what you have to work for. and it has no place with us"

#jason grace #happy talks pjo #okay im going back to sleep. woke up to feed cats take meds and write this out. bye

[nutzworth]

DAY 4: JANUARY 17, 2024 (i um. was a little busy. oops.)

STATS: read for ~2 hrs pages read: 860-1052. 192 pgs. reached pg 1000! wooo!!! slur count: 6 + 2 = 8 (rose narration, john. both r slur) silly count: 10 + 1 = 11 (john about roses building) piss count: 1/3

THOUGHTS: today started with jade's freshjamz!!!!!!!!! I LOVE!!! i mean dave kind of sucks at making music but jade doesnt! i love how homestuck shows the works of the characters. jades music daves blogs caliborns deviantart whatever. it makes them feel so REAL.

figured out the time differences! if we're staying at johns timezone, dave is 2 hrs ahead and rose is 3 hrs ahead. and jade is 4 hrs ahead!!!! when we were dave pov a convo with jade was at 6:30pm but at jade pov it was 12:30pm so you know.

the exiles are FINALLY MEETING UP!!!! PM!!!!!!!!! i looove pm shes what makes me want to be a mailman. what the hell are the snake worm things in pm's like structure? whats it called? with the terminal. theyre awful silly but theyre kind of freaky and i dont know what they are.

john faq i always read the faqs theyre so fun. john try not to mention your friends by irl name on public forum challenge (even if he assumes everyone else is dead lol). i do NOT understand alchemizing mostly cus i dont get binary. but whatever. maybe i will someday

KARKAT VANTAS! i think the first mentions of the trolls are here! yaaay!

dave strife theyre still strifing i didnt get to the end yet. s beatdown or whatever. always interesting to me that dave never gets sliced or anythign even though theyre fighting with ultra sharp swords. how much restraint is bro (strider) showing? the fights ARE intended to be strengthening dave. but they dont. cus hes a kid and hes passive. im a sucker for bro strider i know he sucks but ugh i love dirk too much

mom lalondes lab drives me coocoo crazy. pov youre rose you go under your dead cats big ass mausoleum and find a laboratory your mother uses. theres 1 battery unlocked just for you. theres a giant ass monitor showing sburb sessions and meteors. did your mother know? did your mother know what was going to happen? youre thirteen years old. do you know? theres bright pink kiddy furniture. did your mother use it? when did she get it? it looks pristine. did she sleep in this when she was little? did she sleep in it as an adult? why would she buy herself such a thing at an adult age? youre rose lalonde. youre thirteen and full of hatred. you dont understand anything. you wear your mothers scarf and you pick up a stray mutant cat and name it after a drink your alcoholic mother loves. youre thirteen and full of hatred and you dont understand anything and you want to, so badly. so so badly.

jade is awesome her scampering through the house rocks. i wonder if she actually believes pa harley is talking to her, or if he actually is, or if shes just pretending. it has to be because of trauma, right? is she genuine? she has to be genuine. right? fosmf if you know anything about this let me know

jack noir... midnight crew.... oh how i cant wait for the intermission.

johns various mental breakdowns (over the discovery of his dads room; over betty crocker gushers; over the drawings over his posters) are insane. he lashes out so weirdly. dave said like john never gets mad or frustrated over real big stuff and he instead funnels it into tiny meaningless problems. i wonder what that means. im not into john enough to read into it or know

jade (and dirk by extension) waking up on prospit (or derse) early makes me thiiiink. i wonder if theyd get freaked by regular normal dreams. they god tier and sleep and wake up in a cold sweat Hello? Where am i. Hello? I just slept and nothing was there. Where am i

thinking about rose + jade a lot these first few acts. i looove rose and i looove jade. i focused on jade a lot the first time i read so im trying to focus on rose more because shes AWESOME! and i want to get to know her better. she deserves it. but anyway thats enough for today sorry for taking like a 12 day break lol

#me #nutzworth hs reread #its midnight.... was racing to do this before bed lol. they call me the sleeper

[the-final-sif]

pm!c!Sam is in this really weird place of like, c!Dream is the only thing he remembers from Before. He has literally nothing else. And c!Sam doesn't do well without some kind Anchor or purpose. He got too used to having something to define himself around.

Clearly, it must mean something that he remembered Dream. It must be important and not happenstance. Even if c!Dream doesn't remember him, that's fine, because c!Sam remembers him and that's enough. c!Sam remembers his center world was centered around c!Dream at one point, and he takes comfort in going back to that.

But the fundamental problem is that the whole structure around the prison, the whole narrative of c!Dream being the villain doesn't exist anymore. c!Sam has this overwhelming desire for c!Dream to be something in a way he has no right to expect from another person.

And like- c!Sam isn't the same person he was around the time of the prison. He has no moral justification framework for taking away any of c!Dream's agency. If he was asked point blank "hey, should c!Dream be allowed to leave you behind he wanted to?" he'd be sad but of course he'd agree.

The problem isn't the direct questions, it's all the little instinctive moments, when he isn't even thinking about what c!Dream wants because why would he? It's not in his nature to do that. There's also little instinctive impulses to contain that c!Sam is reading as protect. That he just. Won't. Interrogate. He just follows them.

So the end result is that c!Sam is just like, weirdly possessive over c!Dream and does NOT understand reasonable boundaries, all while having no spine whenever he's challenged about any of it. Dude is getting bullied by teenagers 24/7. BUT then he gets to sniffle and act very sad and downtrodden and of course c!Dream will agree to caving with him to make him feel better, and now c!Tubbo and c!Tommy are kicking themselves because this is the Worst outcome (they will do it again).

#c!sam #c!dream #dreblr #palimpsest mind #c!tubbo #c!tommy #c!awesamdream #not really but tagging for safety #listen its very important to understand #that c!tubbo and c!Tommy are both a Lil Stupid #and let their need to bully c!Sam overcome any actual effective strats #sif speaks #dsmp #dream smp

[painless-innit-colourful]

so the thing I realised softly a little while ago after thinking about it for literally over a year was the answer to the question I've held since the end of s2: 'What happened to c!Dream to make him like that?' y'know, the child abuse-y awfulness. that.

and then I watched a bunch of random s1 vods back and. realised. he never changed. he's always been like that; obsessive for control, laser-focused and brutal in his approach, weirdly obsessed with c!Tommy. seen in stuff like: him naming Tommy (the deputy) before Wilbur (the leader of the revolution) in the 'white flags' video, his willingness to take it further than any has before as in the brutality of the final control room, the constant stalking of c!Tommy pre-and-during og L'Manberg (hiding in the walls), his demands pre-L'Manberg era and arbitrary rules on what people could and couldn't have (Tubbo's villager farm, Tommy's netherite chest plate in the disc war), these chat messages sent only an hour or so after the end of the first disc war:

these messages are what made it click - the similarity to "I'll kill you and revive you again and kill you and revive you again and kill you and revive you again" was too great. nothing about c!Dream's mindset changed: it was always about power and control, and keeping a tight grip on it. so what changed?

the situation. at the start of s2, c!Wilbur's gone, L'Manberg as a faction is very precarious and unstable, the rest of the server is still trying to work out its place after the rise of the Badlands, Eret being dethroned, Schlatt's death, etc, etc. previously, c!Dream's level of control was restricted by L'Manberg/the structures of power that were meant to protect people (from him). with their breakdown, he no longer need play the puppetmaster - coming out of the shadows to publicly attack L'Manberg, instead of secretly destabilising all sides. additionally, with c!Wilbur gone, c!Tommy's main protector is eliminated, and c!Tubbo's position of power meant c!Dream could easily force him to choose between L'Manberg and Tommy, and c!Dream knew which way he'd swing since he'd watched him work for Manberg for the greater good for so long.

in conclusion - to myself a year and a bit ago: he never changed. he was like that the whole time. power-obsessed, creepy and controlling. he just became a lot less subtle about it.

#meta! in 2023!!! yeah baby #i needed to talk a bit i've been away for a while #dream smp #crim speaks #c!dream #tommyinnit #disc war saga #disc confrontation

[nicosraf]

hey mr Nicolás! i just finished angels before men and WOW it'is really like if gomens and tsoa had a baby. i wanna ask how your own expieriences effected your work specificly with your characterization of lucifer? his dreams feel really specific so i was wondering if maybe they/he had irl inspo somehow?

Ahaha thank you so much for reading ! I'm going to try and answer without getting too much into specifics because I value my privacy, but I don't mind being vague.

Weirdly, I think there's a lot of me (and my experiences) in Lucifer in terms of things that happen to him and his deeper emotions, but we're not really alike in terms of, say, personality (so, characterization). He is relatable to me but not in a superficial way - we don't like the same things (except maybe soup) or have the same flaws or react the same or look alike, and he even deals with shame a different way than I do. But, the root of his shame is where mine is too, I think.

My more straight forward experiences are mostly in the structure of ABM itself, the progression of its story, the setting and its angel-culture. (Gossipy, oppressive christians who are really bad at being christians? Definitely latine catholics). It's influenced a lot by my perception of trauma years after-the-fact. Some lines are taken from previous, personal works of mine — "You will live a hundred million years and spend the rest looking back," actually first appeared in a short story I wrote about when I was younger.

And ofc it's inspired by my personal wet sloppy gay fantasies. I said a little while ago that Michael and Lucifer's relationship is about the fantasies associated with typical (and my) first queer/gay love (and also about being young and stupid).

The dreams are inspired by real dreams of mine. I have a lot of weird gay angel dreams. Since May 2021, if I'm remembering correctly. You know, like a very normal person.

#anyway my self insert is Uriel i think #Lucifer is actually a carbon copy of one of my close friends (who may see this) #holiii <3 #mine #ask #also i thought you were calling Lucifer a he/they for a second and i just did not question it

[everestphillips]

A Loving Touch

"This was insane, right?"

In one moment, Everest was in the middle of a board room where people barking about his performance at each other, while another bunch was yapping about pretty clothes and frivolous events he needs to attend next. It was all jumbled noise until he heard the song, which cut through everything like a sharp blade. Without much warning, he stood from that room and made his way out, leaving everyone in confusion.

The last thing he remembered was being in his room and sending his family a text that everything will be fine and that he was going to miss them. And practically the moment after he sent that message, he was in darkness. The air cool and damp, and his surroundings unfamiliar, with creatures only barely fathomed through media. Everest was definitely going insane.

Truly, everything from the moment he arrived to his walk to the temple was a blur. Things Everest was witnessing that he couldn't quite believe. Hell, even in the big temple where he's had a moment to be in, he was in disbelief. The godling felt his body was basically on autopilot, instinctively taking him to a certain spot in the giant marble structure before he noticed everyone was waiting patiently before a different god. Maybe he'll finally figure out who his parent is. Maybe it was someone that would make sense of his life. Then he turned around and saw Aphrodite.

"Hmmm." Seemed like it was the only thing he can respond with to this new discovery. He shouldn't be disappointed. I mean, he wasn't. Because at the end of the day, his mother was and still is a stranger.

Nothing seemed to click for Everest, even when the voice started to ring through his head, he just thought it was some elaborate ruse. Though, it's not like he do could anything else but stare at the clocked figured coming closer to him with the chalice. Taking it in his hands, Ev inspected the ornate cup and the weirdly pretty drink inside of it. "Awfully pretty for something that can supposedly do such damage," he thought to himself. Of course, he should have just drank it like he was instructed. The racer did already come this far but he still had some concerns. Even so, before he could say anything, he already saw a few men downing their drinks and being escorted out.

"Oh, so we're just drinking the kool-aid with blind faith?"

Which probably got an ugly look from those who could hear him. Now, all he could think about now was the Jonestown massacre. If this is happening, might as well not be the last one to drink it, he didn't want to be the last one dead. And for some reason, he looked back at the statue once more, feeling a strange sense of comfort before he got the courage to drink his first sip. God, this was fucking awful, he thought to himself as he choked on the strange substance, making sure not to accidentally spit anything out. Nah, he needed to drink everything in one go and not prolonge his torture. So, he raised his chalice like it was some shot and knocked it back in one chug.

When the last drop was swallowed, he felt his blood become hotter, and his heart beating faster until eventually, it felt like fire burned under his skin. Everest gripped onto the chalice while his other hand gripped his chest, his nails digging into his skin, desperate in stopping the acceleration of his heart one way or another. But it was obvious he was losing this battle, and once he lost the grip on his cup, the ring of the metal against the marble was paired with the sound of heart going *pop*.

Everest regained consciousness with a scream, fighting to fill his lungs with the air he needed. It took him many deep breaths until he could feel himself calm down, but once he felt composed, he noticed he was back in his old room. "So it was just a dream" the driver said to himself before reaching out to his phone and noticing that no one texted back. Not even his family. It was bittersweet, but now, they had no reason to worry.

However, now that he was back home, everything he just dreamed about felt real. Like it was meant to happen. Regardless, there was nothing he can do now.

Ever since that day, Everest felt like his days have become meaningless. Everything he did was becoming monotonous, even losing the passion he had to drive. But they still had him in full display, using him to get all they needed from him. He just became a puppet for those he worked for.

Everest has become an emotionless husk, but he still dreaded being made to go out. He was now uncomfortable everywhere he went, because now all eyes were on him. That shouldn't have been something new to him, but this felt completely different. Like they were dissecting him. Like they were undressing him. Like he was in an enclosure for everyone else to enjoy.

Regardless how uncomfortable he was, what was going to come next was even worse. Like clockwork, the crowd just stampeded towards him. The same things being screamed at him, the same empty words trying to take advantage of him, as they clawed at him, ripping through his clothes, through his flesh, until his chest was bare and heaving, ashamed to be at the mercy of the public once more.

Everything has gone exactly the same as every day since his weird dream. Everest expected things to go black, and he'd wake up again back in his car. But instead, he felt the some cool droplets on his skin. Somehow, the gentle rain tethered him to reality, and made him realize, was his life always like this? Beyond the exaggerated horror's he's experienced these past few days, his life has been nothing more than a pageant and a mean for others to climb up the social hierarchy.

Slowly, he was feeling more like himself, the rain now began to pour, washing over his wounds, slowly foaming up only for them to disappear. Everest even felt his heart beat faster. But instead of the same frantic fear he felt when he drank the ambrosia, it made him feel butterflies at the pit of his stomach. He could feel his cheeks turn red, and couldn't stop smiling. Yeah, he was alone, but for once in a long time, Everest didn't feel lonely.

As cute as that heartwarming moment was, he still endured days of torture in just the past eight hours. And now, Everest was on the floor of this strange room. Clearly fallen from the bed with how the sheets have dragged along with him. "Water. I need water," he shouted to no one was as he attempted to get up and find something to drink. Running to the bathroom, Everest splashed water onto his face before he gave himself a good look at himself in the mirror. The godling might have been the son of Aphrodite, but he's definitely seen better days.

"I guess this is real... and i'm doing it too."

#everest phillips ;; about #godlingprompt001

[howhow326]

Mattholomule is Gus Shadow

Oh boy! I sure do love everything about Watching & Dreaming but I have to say my favorite part is when Gustholomule became canon and that's a thing that happened actually!!! Anyway, it's neat that most of the TOH ships have a sort of opposites attract dynamic: Lumity has the shoujo rivals trope; Huntlow is crushing-watermelon-with-thighs meme; and Gustholomule has the best dressed boy with an unwashed rat-man.

But with I told you that Gus and Mattholomule are more similar than they seem? What if I told you that the two boys are so similar to each other that they are like two halves of the same person?? What if I told you... ehh, you already read the title.

What is a Shadow?

First we need to go over what a shadow is: A shadow is: "an unconscious aspect of the personality that does not correspond with the ego ideal, leading the ego to resist and project the shadow. In short, the shadow is the self's emotional blind spot..." (Wikipedia). In other words, the Shadow is the shadowed side of one's personality, the part of themselves that they don't want others (or themselves) to see. However, ignoring the shadow dosen't make it go away, it just makes it stronger, seeping into one's everyday life as flaws and bad choices. Or in the case of Persona, giant fetish monsters (this is a joke, the persona games actually do a really good job of writing psycho-analysis even without the video game bosses). So, what does any of this have to do with Gustholomule? EVERYTHING!!! Which get's clearer in the next few paragraphs :)

Gus & Mattholomule's backstories

From TOH wiki: "Augustus Porter is the son of reporter Perry Porter, who wants his son to be a master illusionist (there's a source for this but I deleted it so Tumblr dosen't hide my post). Due to his skills in illusion magic, Augustus is one of the youngest students at Hexside School of Magic and Demonics, taking high school-level classes despite being twelve years old. However, due to his young age, Gus was often overlooked and ignored, and he was gullible to the various students that took advantage of his intelligence. The only place where he felt he mattered was the club he led, the Human Appreciation Society. Besides the other members of the H.A.S, the only other student he befriended was Willow Park, who helped him calm down from an illusionary memory with a breathing exercise he remembers to this day."

In short, Gus comes from a history of people tricking him in order to advance themselves (this is in Bold because it's gonna be super duper important for my argument later). Despite that, Gus wasn't destroyed by his backstory because he had people like Willow to help him (also important).

For Matt: "Mattholomule used to attend Glandus High, where he was friends with Bria, Gavin, and Angmar. Due to Glandus's social structure favoring the strong, Mattholomule was bullied by other students, including his three "friends" who had manipulated him. Eventually, he switched out of Glandus and started to attend Hexside, but still stuck around Bria, Gavin, and Angmar due to having nobody else to be his friend."

Just like Gus, Matt comes from a history of veing bullied and used by others. Unlike Gus, Matt didn't have anyone in his corner but himself (and Steve but like apparently adults are weirdly useless at helping their kids witch school problems which is actually extremely realistic now that I think about it).

In otherwords, Gus and Matt have nearly identical backstories, but turned out differently because only Gus had a real friend. And in my next few paragraphs, we find out that the "difference" between them is a lot smaller than it seems.

Something Ventured, Someone Framed

So if you've been paying attention, you have probably come to the conclusion that Gus is "good" person. And while that definitely isn't a bad conclusion to come to, this episode is going to hit you like a truck:

Gus: L-Luz, a-about the ban, I, uh, used my H. A. S. presidential authority to pull some strings. You've been given a full pardon!

Luz: You mean...

Gus: I got the ban lifted!

[Does a little dance when she's gone lol]

Willow: You lied to our best friend and told her you got the ban lifted. That seems like a potential problem to me.

Gus: You don't understand. The members were going mad. They were bloodthirsty. They were touching objects. I had no choice!

Note: instead of saying something like "one of the members is lying to the others" or something like that, Gus "had no choice" because... they were breaking his rule of no touching?!

Now, some people did catch on to Gus behavior and were mad at him for it. I'm not one of those people, in fact, I'm the exact opposite. This episode made me LOVE Gus' character! Before SV,SF Gus was just comic relief that was attached to Willow's hip. But now, Gus has flaws! He can exist as his own character!! He's lying to and mainipulating people like the little illusionist he is!!!

... wait a minute, "...and he was gullible to the various students that took advantage..."; "...Gus comes from a history of people tricking him in order to advance themselves."; "...ignoring the shadow dosen't make it go away, it just makes it stronger, seeping into one's everyday life as flaws and bad choices." This is Gus Shadow: a hurt child that's willing to trick people the same way that other people tricked him. Heck, there's even a name for the exact shadow that Gus possesses: The Know-It-All Trickster (I swear Im not anti gus wtf). From Artofmanliness .com (That name is so much worse than it seems), "The Know-It-All Trickster knows how to charm his way out of trouble. He’s adept at deception and manipulation and will gain the trust of those around him, only to betray it when they least expect it." While this is a lot more sinister than Gus at his worst, it dose perfectly describe what happened in SV,SF: Gus became friends with Luz recently and deceives her at a time when she would never expect it. Although, that description also sounds a lot like another character that shows up this episode (Mattholomule is inside your walls).

Of course, while Gus has flaws, he isn't the same as the people that tricked him. The older kids got their homeworks worth out of Gus and left without taking any responsibility for their actions. But Gus didn't do that, he endanged himself in order to save Luz from detention, and then he took responsibility for the mess he caused. He even saved Mattholomule from detention because "no one get's left behind"! Gus has flaws, but he was able to rise above them during his first focus episode, which is highly impressive for a twelve year old.

Through The Looking Glass Ruins

This episode's plot is interesting in that, while Gus is technically lying to people again, it wasn't even his idea! Gus was the one that didn't want to hang out with the Glandus because "he's just an illusionist" (an idea that Gus Shadow, Matt literally echos) so Luz goads him into hanging out with him in order to build back his self confidence.

Unlike SV,SF where Gus creates a lie that endangers Luz, Luz starts the lie that Gus is a "super witch" and Gus only upholds it to hang out with the Kool Kidz. Basically, Gus did nothing wrong.

Anyway, Gus gets a crush on the Boneghazi girl. Weird. I don't want to spend too much time talking about Bria because she's crazy shaped, but she is the next entry in a long line of older kids that trick Gus and ruin his self confidence. Then, the most important part of the episode happens:

Mattholomule: This is exactly how it was at Glandus. Always Bria's stooge.

Gus: Better a stooge than a clown. Bria was right, illusions are nothing but high-def party tricks.

Mattholomule: Yeah, I used to think that too. [He makes a saw of rock to cut the vines trapping Gus and The Keeper.] But then I met some dork who used his powers to save me from a man-eating detention pit. All I'm saying is, if a dumb illusion can save a jerk like me, maybe it's not as useless as you think.

Replace illusion with "Gus" and this conversation is practically the same. Gus is saying he can't help anyone and Matt is telling him "you already helped me" (the perfect start for the perfect ship).

Focusing more on Matt, this moment is a bit more than just him reaching out a hand or doing the right thing. As I said before, Matt has the same history of people using him just like Gus (it even happens in this episode). But unlike Gus, Matt didn't have anyone in his corner but himself. So instead of staying the victim, Matt became "villain". He most likely joined the H. A. S. with the intention of replacing whoever was in charge by using the same methods that Bria uses, trickery. Matt wanted to be on top of the social ladder through any means nessasary, and when his plan failed in SV,SF he went crawling back to Bria so he could gain some sense of power.

So why does Mattholomule help Gus in this episode? Simple, He's not Bria. Even when Matt tried to walk the same path as his bullies, he could never fully suppress the part of himself that had morals, that wanted to help people. And by choosing to help Gus even though the odds are stacked against them, Matt finnaly accepted that he wasn't a 100% jerk.

Plot twist: Gus is Mattholomule's Shadow. Just like how Matt represents Gus's capacity to become like the people that took advantage of him, Gus represents the part of Matt that was weak enough to be taken advantage of, a good person. There's even a word of Matt's Shadow: a Golden Shadow, the positive qualities of one self that they suppress.

Conclusion

Gustholomule is a deep relationship between two people who are really the same person that walked to different paths. However, it's only through meeting each other and forming a tight bond with each other that these two boys were able two accept their hidden selves and complete the process of self actualization. Truly a magnificent journey of self growth indeed.

Gustholomule is best ship fight me

#gustholomule #toh gus #gus porter #toh matholomule #matt tholomule #toh willow #toh bria #toh luz #luz noceda #the owl house #toh #character analysis #black representation #black characters #psychoanalysis #jungarian psychology #shadow psychology #shadow

[invested-in-your-future]

I can't help but imagine...

Imagine what RWBY could have been like:

Without over-reliance on "Gods did it"/"Magic did it" - Imagine if there were actual reasons why the setting is the way it is beyond conveniently handwaving it away via magic? Actual effort into establishing Remnant, its countries, how the current world order came to be, how its myths, legends and religion came to be.

With properly complex morality and characterization - bad people doing good things? good people making mistakes and doing bad things? Imagine that! What if well-meaning proponents of status quo had genuine flaws in their world view? What if people's allegiances could shift and change based on their life experiences? What if characters could make mistakes, do the wrong thing, have different justifications for their actions that clash with justifications of others and could grow and change?

With a properly handled Faunus plotline - That subplot really did not work even in the Monty years, but holy...it sure does not work in present day and even the best parts of it have aged like milk. The story had a real chance to explore the power dynamics and "normalcy/status quo" of Remnant but instead we got a very thinly veiled poorly thought out "looting is bad" metaphor. I for one think the idea of how different groups, be it those in powers and those marginalized, can view Remnant's power and social structures differently would have been EXTREMELY fascinating.

With more actual consequences from Fall of Beacon - Hey remember this little thing that happened years ago now where the world was plunged into chaos, half the characters suffered tragic and traumatic life-changing experiences, multiple characters died and the fragile balance between countries fell apart? Show sure seemed like it was trying it's hardest not to with how easy it has, for years, handwaved away what could have been volumes of content and plot and characterization. And whenever it tried to touch upon it we got the infamous "Fear of Mice".

With more proper character arcs for Ruby, Blake, Yang and Weiss - Imagine a world where we got a proper breathing room for Ruby's conflict between the cold reality she found herself in and her naive childhood dreams and actually got to parse her trauma? Imagine a world where we could have seen a proper exploration of Yang dealing with disability and trauma? Imagine a world where Blake got to face her own hypocrisy and grow? Imagine a world where Weiss actually faces the weight of her own privilege and the change in her worldview that the three volumes at Beacon brought her? Imagine Blake and Yang actually getting to work through their issues the end of Volume 3 might have caused? Imagine a story where characters didn't instantly ignore everything that happened to them and had to actually progress through arcs to deal with things - be it with their complicated feelings or feuds or mistakes or their growth.

With actual respect for various topics like social issues, disability, LGBTQ+ issues and representation, etc - What if we did not solve PTSD issues with vague patronizing remarks about fear of mice from a person whose favorite past time was trying to flirt with his students? What if topics of depression, trauma, disability, etc were dealt with the gravitas they deserve? What if overall inclusivity(be it LGBTQ+, gender equality, race, etc) was actually persistent element rather than vague short pieces of patchwork writers apply to dodge criticism? What if issues like racism, sexism, etc, were given even a modicum of thought? What would RWBY storyline be then?

With actual retention of its semi-grounded weirdly contemporary setting - Remnant has always held it's more contemporary setting close and it's more magical elements further away in that "Final Fantasy 7" kind of way where magical and supernatural meets contemporary and urban. We started with premise of every weapon being a gun and we opened Episode 1 with a store robbery in a modern looking city. Filling the setting with medieval villages, relic mcguffins, magical realms, etc feels like diluting what made the world interesting in the first place . For all the times Miles was talking bad things about Korra, he really seems to have wanted to just do Korra instead. And for how much they wanted to do that, Korra to this day is STILL more grounded than RWBY will ever be...

I think it really is a shame we never got any of that.

Every year I look back at what this franchise COULD have been, what it could have SAID thematically, the interesting ways the characters could developed and changed and its just...sad?

Volume 3 was a perfectly pulled off pay off where everything the show built up till then, in spite of missteps, in spite of weird decisions and mishandled stuff, went off without a hitch. It was a case of build up and pay off that is VERY rare in television.

I still sometimes rewatch the final stretch of V3 because even to this day, those last five-ish episodes? they hold up REAL well....

And then nothing...

Just...puke boy and the talking magic animals...

I don't think the people behind the show realize just quite what a gold mine they had...

#rwby #rwde #Ruby Rose

[toothpuulp]

blood meridian is so good i need at least a week to sift through my thoughts and feelings in order to articulate what it did to me… suffice to say my copy will be well loved and annotated and many times re-read.

i can’t remember who said this but i was thinking a lot about that quote about prose being words in their best order and poetry being the best words in the best order, or something to that effect. for me the way blood meridian is written feels almost more like poetry than prose for its complete and visceral evocativeness. sentences that not only paint vivid pictures in my head but also tug at my insides in a way i can’t describe at all.

truly one of the most slowgoing reading experiences of my life for the way i kept having to stop to take sentences in and for the way i kept flipping back to reread favorite passages… i must’ve returned to the legion of horribles a dozen times before i finished the book and in my memory it’s like i really saw it.

and there’s something about the way it’s both deeply grounded (clearly meticulously researched, and nothing is more real than a good old fashioned language barrier, than thirst and pain and the brutal heat of the sun) but for all its hyper-specificity in depicting the wild west, it’s also so enormous and weirdly mythic. walks right up to the line of magical realism, of something cosmic maybe. certainly the last few chapters read like a dream.

also the way it plays with language and structure and time, the way an entire paragraph will be devoted to describing the rising sun but then decades can pass in the span of a single sentence… don’t even get me started on all the spanish (claro yo encantado de leer la versión más completa) or the lack of quotation marks around the dialogue so as to not “blot the page up with weird little marks” or the oddly compelling inscrutability of the kid— and i’m not even going to try and talk about the judge. or the violence. actually i’m just going to stop now as i worry i could continue on forever. anyways. good book.

#if i think about it too hard i will simply start screaming at the top of my lungs and never stop <3 #blood meridian #the evening redness in the west #cormac mccarthy

[kalispitronhibernation]

Oooooh I'm always interested in peoples structure and outlining process so 👀 22?

ah thank you for this question, i looove talking about structure and outlining! under a readmore bc this answer is loooong

22. describe your writing process from start to finish.

most of the examples here r from telemachus' detachment, bc i am very proud of that work, and i also did a LOT of work for it, because i was going through a slightly insane period and focusing on that really helped me kept going.

usually, the writing process for me starts off with a single piece of dialogue / scenario. i half-remember a tennesse williams quote where he's talking about how he starts off w a single "luminous image", and it's kind of like that. something just occurs to me and sticks. it then has to be sufficiently emotionally complicated / interesting for me to want to write it out. weirdly what became telemachus' detachment started off with a scene of stewy in a hotel room in hong kong watching kendall's s2 finale speech on TV.

i will usually then write down a lot of random scraps of dialogue / tiny bits of action in one word doc, in a vaguely ordered fashion but mainly as they occur to me. then they start to cohere, and that's when i start trying to pull it together into an outline. for shorter stuff, i probably won't outline, bc it can be done in one push - or if i do outline, it's basically a few bullet points to get the structure down on paper. for longer stuff, i find that i need to know where i'm working to or i'll lose focus / enjoyment and drift away from it. usually the outline will morph into a very very loose first draft - including little bits of dialogue, etc.

HOWEVER. this outline is like - never what the actual writing ends up being. i always think 'no this time i really will stick to the outline' and then during writing it massively changes. so, for example, here's an outline of telemachus' detachment during the writing process: everything after the ch.3 bulletpoint was abandoned bc it didn't feel right.

"Ch.1 finished for now

Ch.2, college + Logan forcing K.’s hand; focalise that all through the K. & the fact of hiding: make it about the twin poles of shame & love

Ch.2: Frame it by opening w/ the board meeting, Roman / Shiv; then end with Stewy watching the interview, and then flashback to Stewy’s reaction – just, here, to being broken up with

Ch.3, KenFest + Ken’s wedding – mirrors of each-other; how did Stewy cope with all of the hiding? End ch.3 with the confrontation about the interview; this moment of hope that Kendall will be free.

Then the drowning; Jess calls Stewy and he ends up at the hospital; he refuses to have any part in the siblings’ plots; Roman calls him a parasite and Stewy doesn’t care, he just wants Kendall to be alive.

Flashback; the various times Stewy has waited in hospitals

Ch.4: Logan dies / Dodds confession – Kendall is dragged back in; Stewy becoming an accessory on his side; he keeps loving him, he can’t not, but Kendall is changing – every dream of escape calcifying."

when i know roughly where i want the thing to go, i then have a checklist - this needs to happen, these people need to have this conversation, and i just work through that - not necessarily in order. though, for telemachus' detachment i would basically only figure out what the next chapter should be when i finished the first one.

there are then 3 very important word documents!

1 is simply the draft - i will usually split this up into smaller ones / chapters for ease and manoeuvrability. i tend to have a "Actual Thing" doc, so i can noodle around in other documents & draft stuff out without feeling the pressure of having it contribute to the whole thing, then will assemble it together.

2 is a 'deleted bits' draft. i find this so so important, bc it is a lot easier to simply cut and paste something away than it is to delete it from the face of the earth. also i will sometimes come back and rescue things from this document.

3 is a running commentary - this is where i keep notes to myself, outlines, and also what i'm going to do next. i like to try and follow the advice that you should always stop working in the middle of something that's going well, bc you will want to come back & do it the next day. always leave yourself a clear goal / target for the next time!! i like externalising a lot of my thinking.

this does mean i end up with a lot of word docs for one thing. i just counted and there are a total of 34 docs in my folder for telemachus detachment.

in terms of the actual writing, i tend to write dialogue first, especially if it's fic for a TV show. i find getting the rhythm of dialogue right tricky & v important! i sometimes write random dialogue that's nothing to do with the story just to get into the voices. i'll then go back and fill in everything else. if i'm writing something, i tend to become completely and totally obsessed w it, and think about it all the time, i quite often end up writing scraps of dialogue in the notes app on my phone, and then fleshing them out later.

if it's fic, i tend not to edit massively once it's got to the stage of actually being assembled in that final doc - it's probably already been through a fair amount of revision to get to that spot, and i really only have so much time and energy. i have no idea how to explain when something feels done apart from that it just clicks into place, and feels right. i work very much on a vibes basis, and i think i've read enough that my vibes r fairly well honed!

anyway this is very long but thank you again for asking!! i love to ramble about this

#arguably that outline would have made a better fic #but u know what? i ran out of willpower and it was beyond my means at that precise moment

[gremlinaristocrat]

Outstanding Ambiguities in Almost Nowhere

I here use ‘outstanding’ both in the sense of ‘unresolved’ and ‘extremely good’; I sincerely hope we never get a definitive answer for these.

Was Hector Stein originally a human being?

I’ll lead with my favourite: we never nail down whether Hector was a person placed in a Chestromath-y crash by Anomalings, or an NPC they stitched together to play a part in someone else’s dream.

Obvious signs seem to point to ‘human’, but consider:

He’s preternaturally charismatic, compelling, larger-than-life, and yet thoroughly unimaginative; all his tricks are copied from elsewhere. Once you start seeing the parallels between him and the (other?) fictives, it’s hard to unsee.

IIRC we never hear about his pre-crash history from anyone, even though that would be an excellent potential source of slander and scuttlebutt; considering the partisanship of the authors, this silence is conspicuous, ergo suspect.

Every other character seems subject to the convention “living humans and Anomalings are referred to with a first name only; fictives get surnames (which we don’t bring up for fictives we like, unless we’re making a point of reminding you they’re fictives); Annes can have little pseudo-surnames, as a treat”. Hector is the sole (apparent?) exception.

If he was a real boy, this raises the question: what sort of person’s Shade-assigned fantasy life looks like being cast into the role of “the teacher all the schoolgirls get crushes on”? And if he wasn’t . . . has everyone on Earth spent the last few years constantly hearing about the daring revolution being headed by (a fanfic version of) (their equivalent of) Severus Snape?

(I love this one the best because literally everyone in-universe would know the answer, and the only reason it’s not clear to me is that none of the half-dozen narrators felt it was non-obvious enough to be worth mentioning. Terra Ignota vibes, amplified to and past the point of parody; 11/10, no notes.)

What exactly did Azad do to Anne Twenty-Seven? Under what circumstances?

Yes, he hurt her. Yes, he broke her heart, abandoned her, and chose her sisters over her, only to abandon them in turn. But Azad – in the chapter he spends spelling out his various crimes – is weirdly vague and reticent about the exact nature of his original sin, the snowball that started the avalanche: all we hear for sure is that ‘it involves trust’. Is he staying quiet for his sake, or for hers? Is he magnifying his evil, or minimizing it? Or is this all because it’s another thing everyone already knows, the part of the sordid story the Nowhere-to-Hides wrote across the stars, and Azad only feels the need to confirm the allegations and fill in the blanks?

We don’t know; we don’t get to know.

Was Azad actively tortured while in Twenty-Five’s custody, or ‘just’ given awful working conditions?

We see a man stooped over a desk, compelled to eternal labour and penance. We see him later, rescued and refusing to believe it, insisting this is one of Twenty-Five’s tricks. Is this paranoia born from guilt, or past experience? Grant asserts based on his condition that “Hector’s guys” must have been “doing some pretty crazy shit”, but this is never confirmed or denied.

Later still, we hear his screams as he processes what happened in the crashes. How many of these are driven by guilt from Michael’s crash, versus trauma from Twenty-Five’s? Did she really have him working full-time on translation, or did she take some time every now and then to remind him of how her wants are structured?

I think Azad (and his co-authors) left this one in on purpose. He knew this book would be read by his victims – the Annes would have been top of his mind, but literally all of his in-universe readers would be living in a world wrought by What Azad Did – and wanted to preserve ambiguity for their sake: everyone (save Twenty-Five herself) gets to read their preferred ratio of self-inflicted vs other-inflicted suffering into the monster.

What happened to Annabel?

This is so weird. Shades don’t kill. They don’t even kill animals. And during the fall of Advanced Containment, long after she was supposed to be dead, Sylvie describes her as “stable, contained”; the dead don’t need much containing. But the official story is that she was slaughtered by Anomalings when Hector first left the crashes.

I think the official story is wrong. I think she disagreed with Hector, defected from him, joined up with Sylvie’s side . . . and then her former allies rebased her, rewriting her story so she dies at the most convenient moment. But mnemopoesis preserved her contribution to the manuscript, in the form of some autobiographical chapters (written in first-person, unlike any of the Annes the authors knew better, with the jarring justification that they just had to try mimicking her unique voice and personality), a deep understanding of the games and codes used in Michael’s crash (would we really be able to learn as much as we were shown from Eleven’s wilfully neglected witchcraft, and secrets Cordelia stole from Twenty-Five?), and a pair of un-attributable comments from a [REDACTED] co-author.

. . . unless, of course, that’s exactly what Azad and his co-conspirators want me to think: another piece of anti-Stein propaganda, all the more effective because they made me put the pieces together myself. (If that’s the case, it’s the kind of trick I can feel proud about managing to fall for.)

Who was [REDACTED]?

I mean, you know my opinion. But if it wasn’t Annabel, who was it?

It wasn’t her . . . and wasn’t a fabrication . . . I like to think it was an Anne who actually managed to erase herself from the narrative. Someone who stepped from the stage, and just kept walking, refusing to re-inflict the wound, leaving the entire sorry mess behind them.

How much damage control was Hector’s faction doing behind the scenes?

For most of the story, the world and its’ population remain precariously preserved, balanced on a bed of knife-edges. But with uncanny regularity – especially when you remember this is technically a war story – nukes don’t fly, crashes don’t fail, and Named Characters don’t die.

Towards the end of the story, we find out that Hector has thrived as long as he has by – essentially – savescumming. A little after that, Anne Eleven dies tragically, nigh-simultaneously with a substantial fraction of humanity, as the dog-god of war lets himself slip. And immediately after that, Sylvie restabilizes, as he figures out how to make sure Hector’s trickery can never work again.

So . . . how many disasters was Hector quietly averting? How many of Sylvie’s more destructive tantrums did he (unwittingly?) head off? How many times did he find Advanced Containment, and then rebase away his knowledge of it to save the people trapped inside? Does he even know? Does anyone? What’s the expected lifespan of this too-brave new world now our heroes have successfully smashed the Undo button?

#almost nowhere