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twdsunshine · 2 years

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The World At Our Feet: Pt. 3

Summary: It's been eighteen months since Alexa Rushmore broke the man she loved out of prison. She and Daryl now live in fear, unable to let their guard down in case their true identities should be revealed. When Daryl's brother tracks them down, life becomes even more difficult. Will Merle Dixon prove to be their downfall? The third and final instalment of the Conviction trilogy that began with 'In Dark Corners.'

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x OFC

Warnings: Language, alcohol, mentions of assault

Word Count: 3,020

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Author’s Note: Sorry this is late! It took me forever to get it to a point where I was even remotely happy with it. I know exactly where this fic is going and what’s going to happen, but I’m struggling with the pacing of it, because I know I don’t want it to get out of control and end up being twice as long! So, we’re jumping straight into the drama! Thank you for being patient with me, and happy reading!

*****

The stench of stale alcohol overwhelmed Daryl’s senses as he stepped from the bright sunlight of the street into the gloom of the cantina, eyes searching the crowded bar for the face that he was looking for. True to form, he heard his brother before he saw him, a loud braying laugh that had anger coursing through him, his muscles tensing beneath the thin cotton of his shirt. The first two weeks of Merle’s stay had been uneventful, to the point that he'd almost believed that his brother really had cleaned up his act. He’d spent the first few days working on the rickety shed in the yard, which had begun to lean more and more and which Daryl just hadn’t had the time to get to yet, and, since then, had accompanied Daryl on a couple of jobs for the Sanchez family, though he’d spent the majority of the time flirting with the eldest daughter, Juanita. He’d been on his best behaviour with Alexa too, graciously wolfing down every meal she prepared and even washing the dishes when they were done eating, or taking Perro out for an evening stroll. It had almost seemed too good to be true, and, as Daryl followed his brother’s voice to the far side of the local watering hole, it became apparent that it was.

Merle was seated with several other burly men around a small table, each holding hands of cards and assessing their opponents with suspicion, and Daryl could see a half-empty bottle of tequila in the elder Dixon’s grasp. His eyes were glazed, his words slurred as he claimed his victory, setting aside his drink to slam his hand down and gather his winnings into his arms. When he caught sight of Daryl, though, he abandoned his loot, climbing unsteadily to his feet and slapping a sweaty palm down on his brother’s shoulder. “Daryl! My li’l Darylina! Ol’ Merle’s on a streak, an’ I’m gonna buy you a drink! What can I getcha, baby brother?”

“S’Dixon,” Daryl muttered under his breath, trying to keep his voice low so that nobody else would hear. “Ya tryn’a get us found out, man?”

“Dixon! Ahh, yes, after the great William Dixon. What a number he did on us, brother, huh? Name’s a damn curse, jus’ like our ol’ man! Drunken asshole! May he rot in hell!”

“Shut the fuck up,” Daryl snapped, louder this time, and he felt Merle sag against him, slinging an arm around his shoulders. “Yer wasted, man. S’time to get outta here, sleep it off ‘fore ya screw shit up.”

“Who the hell d’ya think your talkin’ to like that?” Merle rounded on him, filled with a sudden fiery indignation and resisting Daryl’s attempts to coax him from the bar. “Did ya happen to forget who saved your ass, boy? Not once, takin’ down the ol’ man ‘fore he beat your sorry ass into the ground, but twice, helpin’ the good doc getcha the hell outta dodge! You owe me!”

“Everything alright, carnal?” Daryl span on his heels to find Martinez hovering behind him, eyeing Merle warily as if wondering if he might have to intervene.

“M’good, man.”

“You sure?” He took a cautious step closer and Merle reeled back, swaying slightly as he fought to keep his balance. “This a friend of yours, Dixon?”

“S’my cousin,” Daryl lied, going with the story they’d concocted together upon Merle’s arrival. “Jus’ passin’ through.” He arched a brow at his sometimes-employer. “He ain’t used to the strong stuff.”

“Ya talkin’ shit about me, Darylina?”

“Nah, man. C’mon, let’s go home, alright?”

“You’re sure you don’t need help?” Martinez asked again, moving to Merle’s side when he lurched drunkenly out of Daryl’s grasp, but Daryl knew that Merle was likely to keep running his mouth, and he couldn’t risk any more slip-ups, no matter how nice it might be to have a hand dragging him back from town.

“I got it. Thanks though.”

“Alright.” Reluctantly, Martinez stepped away, though he considered Daryl for a moment longer. “Hey, you come see me next week if you’re free, okay? I might have more work for you, if you want it.”

“Always,” Daryl agreed with a nod of his head, and he was so close to getting out of there, edging his brother towards the door, but Merle wasn’t done yet.

“Ya wanna hire our Daryl, man? S’a good worker, ain’t he? He don’t get that from me, no, sir. M’not sure where it comes from, but ya could do much worse, that’s for sure. He don’t look like much but he gets the job done, ya know what I mean?”

“Daryl?” Martinez’s brow furrowed in confusion, and Daryl’s mind whirled for a moment, panic-stricken, before his brain kicked into gear.

“Dumbass thinks I’m his brother,” he forced out with a chuckle, rolling his eyes as he tightened his grip on the back of Merle’s shirt, hauling him across the last few yards between them and the exit, bodily overpowering his continued attempts to resist. “I’ll catch ya next week.”

“Good luck with your… cousin!” Martinez called after them as they stumbled, blinking, out into the late afternoon sun.

“Yer a fuckin’ stupid sumbitch, ya know that?” Daryl snarled, keeping his head down as he led his brother through the winding streets of the small town and out into the open country. “If we don’t get made now, it’ll be a fuckin’ miracle. What did I tell ya, Merle? Ya screw up once, I’mma kick yer sorry ass to the curb.”

“Ya’d really do that to your own flesh an’ blood?” Merle scoffed, disbelievingly. “Ya ain’t got it in ya, Darylina. Ya forget, I know ya, better than anyone.”

“That ain’t true; not anymore.” Daryl shoved his big brother ahead of him as he tried to slow his steps, dragging his feet against the dusty ground. “Ya put Lex at risk, runnin’ ya mouth in there. I ain’t havin’ it, man.”

“She’s really got ya by the short an’ curlies, hasn’t she, brother?”

Daryl only huffed in response, knowing that Merle would never, could never, understand.

*****

“Did you find him?” Alexa hurried around the side of the house at the sound of the gate creaking open, eyes widening as she took in the sorry state of the returning brothers. Daryl was fuming: she could see it in the way he held himself, body racked with tension, lips drawn so thin that they’d almost disappeared, and his hair was sticking up in a sure sign that he’d been dragging his fingers through it. Immediately behind him, Merle swayed on the spot, a vacant smile on his face that shifted into a wide grin as he registered her presence and started towards her, ignoring Perro’s attempts to greet him.

“There she is, my favourite sister-in-law!” He overshot his target, crashing into her and knocking her back a couple of steps as he huffed alcohol-laced breath in her face. “You’re wasted on my brother, y’know that, sweetheart? I’m tellin’ ya, if ol’ Merle had met ya first, ya wouldn’a never looked his way; no, ma’am. I’da taken good care of ya, Doc; left ya damn near ruined for anybody else.”

“He was at the cantina in town,” Daryl grumbled as he watched Merle flirt with his girl, wishing that he could land a punch on his brother without feeling too much like the abusive bastard who’d raised them.

“I can smell that,” Alexa observed, easing the elder Dixon away from her when he tried to snake his arms around her waist, her nose wrinkling in distaste.

“Ya want me to take a shower?” Merle slurred. “Might be able to convince me if ya promise to join me. Whaddya say?”

“Merle, cut it the fuck out!” The threat in Daryl’s voice was evident, even in Merle’s state of intoxication, and he wheeled around to face him, eyes flashing for a moment before he let out a loud bellow of laughter.

“Hell, I’m sorry, brother. Guess it’s been a while since I had a sweet li’l skirt to chase, y’know?”

“Get inside, an’ sleep it off,” Daryl snapped, and perhaps it was that, or the encouraging hand that Alexa placed on his back, that finally had Merle staggering towards the porch, weaving as he went.

“Fuck.” When Alexa turned her attention back to the Dixon she loved, he was bent double with his fingers digging into his thighs, his muscles bunching as he tried to control his anger. She wasn’t sure if it was Merle’s drunken state that had whipped up this fresh bout of fury, or whether it was the advances he was making on her. She knew Daryl was protective. It was only natural, really, when he’d had to rescue her from a brutal assault during the riot at Carrington, coming to her aid just in time. He knew that it had haunted her for a long while afterwards, to the point that she’d been unable to go into work, too afraid to face the men that had held her captive and killed her friend, and he’d gone out of his way since to try to ensure that she was never in that position again. She went to him now, trailing her fingertips down the length of his spine, her touch aiming to soothe and calm his temper. “M’sorry. Shit, he’s outta control, Lex.”

“What happened?”

“He was runnin’ his mouth off.” Daryl pushed himself upright, averting his gaze to the horizon as he dug his hands into his pockets. “Called me Daryl.”

“Shit.”

“Martinez was there.”

“Shit!”

“Mmhmm.” He huffed a sigh, risking a glance at her and regretting it when he saw the anguish in her eyes. “Tried to talk my way out of it, but… I dunno, Lex.”

“God.” With a sharp exhale, her lean frame folded in on itself and dropped to the ground, wrapping her arms around her knees and burying her face in them. It was as if she’d wilted, crumpled under the pressure of the situation, and Daryl hated to see it, hurrying to lower himself down beside her so he could haul her into his embrace, tugging her into the cradle of his legs so she could lean back against his chest. Her body was trembling, shivering with the fear and the stress, and he cursed under his breath as he tried desperately to hold her together. “It’s never gonna be over, is it? We’re never gonna be safe to just… live our lives.”

“Hey, s’alright-”

“It’s not, Daryl! Of course, it’s not! It’d be one thing if it was just Merle and his drunken rambling. But if he raised anybody’s suspicions about us, anyone at all, pretty soon they’re gonna be able to run a web search for Daryl and Dixon, and they’re gonna have the whole truth about who we are at their fingertips in seconds, thanks to Morales and that stupid fucking antenna. It’s all coming apart, just… Everything’s falling apart!”

Daryl squeezed her tighter, whispering nonsense reassurances in her ear as she broke down, sobbing, and before long his shirt was saturated with her tears as she twisted into him and cried into the crook of his neck. There was really nothing he could say to make this better, he knew. The risk had always been there, lurking in the shadows, out of sight, maybe, but never out of mind. But now it was creeping forward, prowling towards them, ready to pounce, and it was no wonder that the threat had Alexa so worked up. It was all he could do to remain stoic. He wasn’t even that worried for himself, if he was honest. He’d resigned himself to a lifetime spent behind bars when he’d taken the fall for Merle, and if this turned out to just be a momentary reprieve, a small slice of heaven in the hell that was his life, then he’d just be grateful for the memories to take out in the dark of the night. But, by breaking him out, Alexa had turned her own life upside down, and the thought that she might end up sharing his fate because of what she’d done for him had nausea and panic churning in his gut, threatening to overwhelm him and drag him out into an ocean of despair. Instead, he rocked her gently back and forth, brushing soft kisses against the top of her head, and waited for her to cry herself out, for the moment when she fell still, drained and damp and exhausted.

“What are you gonna do about your brother?” she asked, eventually, lifting her head to rake her gaze over his face, scrubbing a hand over her puffy, red eyes.

“Gonna tell him to get the hell out,” Daryl told her, his tone brooking no argument, but she could see through it, always had been able to.

“No, you’re not.”

“I should.”

“I know, but you won’t.” She shrugged, and burrowed into him again, inhaling heady lungfuls of his scent and letting it calm her, soothe her anxiety. “He’s your family, Daryl. He’s the only family you have left.”

“Yer my family.”

“You know what I mean.”

He huffed, tipping his head back to stare up at the sky, as if searching for answers in the endless blue. “Guess I’ll talk to him. Go from there.”

Alexa nodded, and the two of them slipped into silence as Perro wandered back outside, having escorted Merle to the couch, settling down beside them with a soft groan. Neither one of them made any move to clamber to their feet, relishing the quiet and the closeness and the view spread out before them as their reality quaked and splintered. The cicadas hummed on, oblivious to the looming threat, and the sun drifted towards the distant peaks, and life as they knew it kept ticking on, for the moment at least.

“I wouldn’t change anything, you know that, right?” Alexa asked at last, her voice soft and lilting, thick with emotion that Daryl wished he could steal away. “Whatever happens, I’d do it all again, given a chance.”

“Y’ain’t gonna be sayin’ that if ya end up behind bars,” he huffed, his own guilt eating at him as he pictured her locked up and lost.

“I will,” she argued, and her fingers wrapped around his forearms where they held her close, her grip tight and insistent. “If I hadn’t done it, we never would have had any of this. We never would’ve got this time together, and I… I’ll never be able to regret that, Daryl. You and me… This… It’s been terrifying and soul-destroying, and I’ve never been so stressed in my entire life, I swear, but it’s also been exhilarating and beautiful, and I’ve never loved anybody as much as I love you. So, I wouldn’t change a thing, no matter what comes next.”

“Me neither.” It was a lie, and it wasn’t. He wouldn’t have traded the time he’d spent with her for the world, it was true, but, hell, he was sure he would never forgive himself if she’d ruined her whole life because of him, couldn’t stand thinking about it for a minute longer, so he ducked his head instead, mouthing at the sensitive skin of her throat until she turned her head to kiss him, sinking into him with a soft moan that went some way to easing the worries whirling in his mind. She tasted like coffee and promises, and he wished he could sit there and kiss her forever, but he knew there were things to do now. He had to do whatever he could to hold their life together for as long as possible. He wasn’t ready to give up just yet.

*****

When Merle awoke, with a pounding headache and a mouth so dry he was sure he’d find sand in his palm if he coughed hard enough, it was to find the icy glare of his brother pinning him to the couch from where he loitered at the other side of the room, a darkness in his expression that was beyond anything that Merle had believed the sensitive younger Dixon capable of. His memory was foggy, but he knew the tell-tale signs of a hangover well enough to know that he must have shamed himself, his quick jaunt to the cantina the previous day to lift his mood becoming a long session of drinking and gambling, and he cursed under his breath as he forced his stiff joints to unfold, easing himself upright to face the music. Alexa, he noticed, was nowhere to be seen.

“Daryl, man, I didn’t mean t-”

“Shut up,” Daryl cut him off with a growl, reaching for a pack at his feet and tossing it at Merle so that it hit him square in the chest. It fell to the floor with a weighty thud before he could catch it.

“What’s this?” Merle asked, a knot of anxiety forming in his gut. “Ya really gonna do it, brother? Ya gonna kick me out?”

“Ain’t decided yet.” At his look of confusion, Daryl gestured towards the bag, motioning for Merle to pick it up. “Supplies,” he explained in a deep rasp, and it was only then that Merle noticed the crossbow slung across his brother’s back. “We’re goin’ huntin’.”

“S’that right?” In truth, it was the last thing Merle wanted to do with his stomach churning and the bright sunlight flooding in through the windows hurting his eyes and making his brain throb, but it seemed Daryl was unaffected by the challenge in his tone, simply nudging his nose up in a nod before snatching the pack up himself and shoving it roughly into Merle’s arms.

“Damn right, it is. You an’ me, we need to talk.”

The knot in Merle’s gut tightened and twisted, but he forced a grin, curling his tongue behind his teeth in an expression that bordered on taunting and sent Daryl stalking out of the room. “Well, hell, baby brother,” he drawled, shouldering the pack and sauntering after him, “sounds like fun.”

*****

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#the walking dead #the walking dead fanfiction #twd #twd fanfiction #daryl dixon #daryl dixon fanfiction #daryl dixon x oc #daryl dixon x ofc #conviction #the world at our feet

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aeondeug · 2 years

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Alright so because I have some time while taking breaks on working on stuff so I don’t destroy my goddamned shoulder Again it’s time to talk about Executioner again. Which I am just calling that by habit because it’s already what I’d started calling it. Gonna use the Virgin Road tag though. Anyway.

Now while I said that I think Manon is less interesting than Orwell last night and while I still hold to that thought, I do like that Manon does add together with Orwell in presenting a sort of narrative mirror to Menou and her own issues. They’re both people who lived up to the expectations of others or at the least tried to. They’re both people who weren’t really given choice in who they were or got to be. And in the end it left them bitter and cruel. It left them people who finally went “Well fuck this helping the world shit, I’m just going to be me for once and that means being a bitch!” Which is very nice to contrast with Menou who is a person who literally doesn’t know who she is on account of that having been blanked. She is someone who works to live up to the expectations of her master. There’s small hints of who she actually is there and what she actually wants. But it’s kind of subsumed entirely by her job and what Flare’s made her into. And given what happens in the other timelines it does appear that Menou, like Manon and Orwell, finally decides to be selfish for once in her life. And like them both it gets her killed. Though Akari is now doing her damnedest to prevent that.

This is a nice setup. And it makes me curious to see how this Menou gets to being selfish and it makes me curious to see if we’ll see how the first timeline’s Menou got to being selfish.

Another thing that bears mentioning is the blonde and brunette shit that I obsess over with every new yuri I see. And whether or not that applies to this series. And I think it does. In a way that reminds me of Yagakimi, as weird as that might sound. But like give me a moment.

So Yuu is kind of Weird for a blonde, honestly. She’s rather subdued emotionally and isn’t the bright, perky girl one would expect to find during the Marimite era. She is still naive like Yumi is due to inexperience and not fully understanding the kind of person she is. But she doesn’t read as naive and silly as a lot of girls inspired by Yumi do. She’s got a sort of jadedness that makes her not initially read like the same sort of character.

And Menou’s similar. She’s not bright and perky. Save when she’s lying to Otherworlders. Menou’s a very jaded person who is entirely devoted to this whole being a villain business. But, just like Yuu, she is still naive and doesn’t really understand herself as a person. She’s kind of stuck trying to be the perfect copy of her master and doesn’t get how she feels at all or what she really wants on a personal level. And if I had to make a guess as to how this is going to go in the future then I think that, like Yuu and so many other blondes, she’s eventually going to pull her brunette out of her emotional black hole.

Speaking of that brunette. Like Touko Akari is initially very bright and perky seeming. She looks on the surface like an inverse of the hair color archetypes. But like Touko we learn that this bright and perky facade is just that: a facade. The real Akari was never so perky and trusting. The only reason she can be trusting of Menou is because she’s known her many lifetimes over now to the point she no longer remembers her former life. And the only reason she’s so perky now is because at some point she made a promise to herself to try and have fun and be bright and cheery with Menou. Until she finally saves her by getting her to succeed in killing her. And if I had to make a guess we’re eventually going to reach the big dumb reveal of all of this after Akari snaps under pressure because Feelings. And then Menou’s going to have to do the thing all blondes do forever and save (not)senpai from her moody bullshit.

Also as a note, Akari’s time traveling horseshit does mean that she does know more about things than Menou. Meaning that she does still technically hit the more experienced note on the yuri brunette checklist.

Anyway. This specific kind of blonde and brunette pair, the one that seems initially reversed, is one that I like. It still holds the appeal of the dynamic that I fell in love with as a kid but it does a bit of a fresh twist and zest to it. And in a way that feels like a natural and reasonable evolution of the trope. Because why do our moody brunettes have to be so open about their moodiness as Sachiko is? Why can’t they be wearing the mask that Sachiko wears for the general public not just for said general public but also for their kouhai? And let there be new and fun and exciting ways to explore the idea of “less experienced and full of youthful optimism”! Ways beyond wow my kouhai is just so perky!

Also speaking of that I realize I forgot to note that like the other commonality I see between Menou and Yuu is that while they’re both moody and kind of jaded compared to characters like Yumi they are still alike to Yumi in that they aren’t completely without hope. Akari’s lost all hope at this point because of her dumb time bullshit. Menou hasn’t though. She likely has that hope that Akari burnt away after countless attempts to change things. That hope’s likely buried down fuck deep alongside her own feelings, just like how Yuu’s were, but it’s probably there. Waiting to crop up and go “You know what senpai? You’re dumb as hell, actually.” Even if things go how I expect them to or even if they avoid that entirely I am very excited to see how this ends up being handled!

#virgin road #the executioner and her way of life

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daggryet · 2 years

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Transcript of c!Dream and c!Tommy’s reunion

Starting 11:22 into Tommy’s VOD where he realises c!Dream has broken the portal. (Note: these time stamps are for the Twitch VOD, they’ll obviously change once it gets uploaded to TommyVODS)

DREAM: Hey Tommy! You looking for something? You came- came to get your stuff?

TOMMY: *Deep breath* I came to get the axe

DREAM: Hey, welcome back to exile! Welcome back! Welcome! You’re back at home! Look what I have-!

TOMMY: Give me that axe, it’s not yours.

DREAM: Ohh

TOMMY: You can’t hold the Axe of Peace

DREAM: It wasn’t yours either.

TOMMY: Yeah, but I earned it.

DREAM: Oh, how did you earn it?

TOMMY: I earned it for fighting for- for doing the right thing, Dream! Something you- stand-stand back.

DREAM: I’m not gonna hurt you… yet.

[Pause]

TOMMY: Wait… you’re meant to be in prison, it’s a top sec- eh, you’re not-

DREAM: Yeah, but I’m out. I’m out, that means I’m meant to be out. I earned it!

TOMMY: No, no, please stop act… you didn’t earn it. You didn’t earn anything! You stole, you manipulated, it-you-you-you killed, Dream! One of the last times you were here, you killed me just to prove a point! You-you haven’t earned anything! Stand back, I’ve got my shield up-

DREAM: Maybe I’ll kill you again.

TOMMY: Don’t- no, you won’t!

DREAM: And then I’ll revive you, and then I’ll kill you again, and then I’ll revive you, and then I’ll kill you again, and then I’ll revive you-

TOMMY: No, you won’t!

DREAM: And then I’ll kill you again-

TOMMY: No, you fucking won’t!

DREAM: Don’t hit me.

TOMMY: Stop speaking like that!

DREAM: Hey, Tommy, you wanna drop your items in a hole?

TOMMY: No, I don’t.

DREAM: Right there?

TOMMY: He’s hitting you, you’re just letting him, why?

DREAM: Come on. I have armor.

TOMMY: No!

DREAM: What are you gonna do? You have diamond. Drop your armor

TOMMY: No! We don’t do that anymore, Dream, alright?

DREAM: Come on

TOMMY: Stop lik-

DREAM: It’s just me and you, no one knows we’re here.

TOMMY: Stop, alright?

DREAM: Tommy, don’t fight me.

TOMMY: AH! Don’t hit me! Don’t- I said, don’t hit me! Fuck off!

DREAM: Oh, but you hit me! I’m retaliating. Don’t be a baby, Tommy, come on.

TOMMY: I’m not a baby…

DREAM: Just throw them in, Tommy, it’ll be fine. No one knows we’re here

TOMMY: Hand back the Axe of Peace, alright? It’s gonna be fine. I know the last time we saw each other-we saw each other, you-you-you-

DREAM: Tommy, you could die right now and no one else would know

TOMMY: I’m not gonna die now, alright?

DREAM: No one would know. No one would care.

TOMMY: Everyb- dude, people would care, alright? You’re not doing this again! You get in people’s heads, Dream! You get in people’s heads, alright?

DREAM: Oh, how who would care? Who would care? Who’s your friends? Who’s your friends? Tell me who your friends are, Tommy! Who’s your friends?

TOMMY: Tubbo, Ranboo!

DREAM: Oh, wow, okay, who would-what about-what are they doing?

TOMMY: They are my friends, alright?! None-none of them are gonna stand for your shit this time!

DREAM: Alright, where are they right now? Where are they?

TOMMY: I don’t care that you’re out of prison! Go-just go back! No one on this server likes you! This is not the Dream SMP!

DREAM: You wanna invite them to your party, Tommy? You wanna give them a little party? Come on, let’s go to the beach! Let’s have a little party, let’s have some tea-

TOMMY: Get the fuck away from me.

DREAM: Maybe I can experience the beach for once in my life.You know, you fucked me, Tommy! You put me in prison, I rotted in there, I was tortured by Quackity - I’m sure you knew about that. I’m sure you let it happen- I’m sure you wanted it to happen.

TOMMY: What?

[Pause]

TOMMY: *Deep breath*

DREAM: Tommy, I am going to make every day for you a living hell on this earth.

TOMMY: No, you’re not. No, you’re not.

DREAM: I’m not gonna let you die, I’m not gonna let you die.

TOMMY: This isn’t happening, this isn’t happening.

DREAM: I can bring people back. You’re living forever. You’ll be immortal, we’ll be immortal and I will fuck with you every single day.

TOMMY: You brought me back- but you can’t, Dream! You have too much power! With great power comes great responsibility! And you have no responsibility, Dream! You’re a bastard, you-you-you-you use the powers you have to hurt people, not for good! Get the fuck away from me. You know what? You’re just a big bully, alright, and this is just the school cafeteria.

DREAM: Alright. How about-how about-why don’t you experience maybe-maybe, eh, 1000 years of the afterlife, Tommy.

DREAM crits TOMMY.

TOMMY: *Panicked screaming* No! No! No! No!

DREAM: Why don’t you experience it? Come here, Tommy!

TOMMY: OH! No! No! No!

DREAM: Oh, Tommy! You wanna die?

TOMMY: No!

DREAM: *Laughing* Oh, Tommy! Oh, Tommy!

TOMMY: No! Why are you actually-

DREAM: Say hi- say hi to JSchlatt for me, Tommy!

TOMMY: No, no! Let go of me!

TOMMY pearls, DREAM crits him just before he’s teleported.

Blooper moment lol

15:37

DREAM: Tommy! I’m gonna kill you, Tommy!

Blooper moment lol

16:21

TOMMY: Seriously, you can’t do any of this, Dream.

DREAM: Tommy.

TOMMY: What?

DREAM: Who’s gonna stop me? Who’s gonna stop me?

TOMMY: Alright-

DREAM: You’re not gonna fight me, Tommy! Don’t fight me! You think you can kill me, I have full netherite! I’m the most powerful on this server whether you like it or not!

TOMMY: Dream, you can’t-

DREAM: They had to lock me up in an entire prison, built just for me!

TOMMY: How-how did you get out-?

DREAM: Come on!

TOMMY: I’ve got another pearl still

DREAM: Alright, I have plenty of pearls. Whatever you have, I have more, Tommy.

TOMMY: OH! What the fuck did you do?!

TOMMY: Okay… leave me alone, man, leave me alone! This isn’t fair!

DREAM: Oh, Tommy, oh Tommy. Come here, Tommy

TOMMY: You can’t be back on the server! You can’t get away with this!

DREAM: Why not?

TOMMY: People are gonna know this time! People are gonna know that you did this!

DREAM: No, they’re not! Everyone’s gonna think I’ve changed, Tommy, while I make your life a living hell.

TOMMY: *Deep breath* How- I can’t go through it, not again, Dream. Oh, what the fuck, what the-

DREAM: Oh, Tommyyy… oh, you messed that jump up. Oh, hey, Tommy!

TOMMY: Get the fuck away from me. No! No! No! I’ll die!

DREAM: You gonna need a little break now, Tommy?

TOMMY: I’ll die! You know I’m only on one life! I can’t- I can’t go through that again! No, you can’t-! I can’t go through this shit again!

DREAM: Actually, you know what, Tommy? You’re not on one life, you have infinite lives, Tommy!

TOMMY: You can’t just do this to people!

DREAM: You have infinite lives! You have infinite lives, Tommy!

TOMMY: Wha-why?

DREAM: Hi Tommy!

TOMMY: AH! I don’t have infinite lives, Dream, ‘cause every time you do-

DREAM pearls to cut TOMMY off.

DREAM: Hello! Hello!

TOMMY: Every time you do any of this, it hurts!

DREAM: Awww, you gonna cry?

TOMMY: No, alright? Just ‘cause I can’t fight you with pvp, just ‘cause you’re the bully and you wanna get away with it, that’s fine, Dream! But at the end of the day, you do this, if this helps you sleep at night, that’s fine! But you’re gonna go down as the monster in history, alright! L’Manberg is remembered as a good thing! No one’s gonna remember you as a good thing, Dream! Your legacy-! No one’s ever gonna remember you, no one’s ever gonna love you, you’re gonna be alone.

DREAM: Hm. Says you.

DREAM pearls again to cut TOMMY off.

DREAM: Hey. Where are you going?

TOMMY: I gotta eat, I gotta eat

DREAM: I’m just toying with you again, Tommy. I probably could have killed you by now, if I really wanted to. This is just fun! Oh! OH! I’m gonna hit you! Oh! Oh! Oh!

TOMMY: No, no, don’t- don’t! You can’t just-ah!

DREAM: Oh! Oh! Oh!

TOMMY: No, I’ll die! You can’t just play these games!

DREAM: Says who?

TOMMY: You do- Dream! You have a responsi-! Oh! OH!

TOMMY sees the beacon from TECHNOBLADE and PHILZA’s houses.

TOMMY: Okay, trident, trident, trident. Through the woods, through the woods.

DREAM: Tommy, come here. Come here, Tommy, come here!

TOMMY: To the-wait, where is the- Phil! Phil’s house!

DREAM: Come on

TOMMY: Phil! PHIL! Phil, he’s gonna kill me!

DREAM: TOMMY!

TOMMY: I can’t do this again, Phil!

19:10

PHILZA: Tommy?

TOMMY: PHIL!

#dream smp #tommyinnit #dreamwastaken #abuse tw #dsmp analysis #aurora transcription #aurora.txt

554 notes · View notes

sparklysung · 3 years

Text

✨SWALLOW YOUR WORDS – l.d.h.✨

pairing – lee donghyuck x female!reader

genre – smut | non-idol!au, enemies to lovers!au

warnings – switch!donghyuck, switch!reader, lap dance, cumming in pants, grinding, dry humping, cum eating, hair pulling (giving and receiving), spanking, mirror sex, protected sex (reader’s on the pill), degradation, dirty talk, bondage (belt), possessiveness (i guess?)

word count – 6.043 words

summary – it only took a couple of words to make the blood boil in your veins and being the competitive individual you are, you had to prove lee donghyuck, your all-time enemy, wrong.

note – not my best, probably could've done better, but oh well. also this was frkng hard to write, damn, and i may have changed things a bit? BUT, i think it's better like this so… hope you enjoy! btw, i got the idea while reading this, so go check it out –it's good–.

taglist – @prvncejxon, @iwishihadabettername

another friday night wasting your time at some random classmate’s party. you were everything but happy to be there. you didn’t even want to go there in the first place, only finding yourself sitting on the kitchen counter, drink in hand and an ugly scowl adorning your face, because of your annoying best friend.

“hey, i get it, you didn’t wanna come here when you could have been peacefully sleeping in the comfort of your room, but come on, at least try to have some fun. you’re already here anyway.” eunbin –aka your annoying best friend– said, pouting her lips in a failed attempt of looking cute.

you kind of felt bad for her, you suppose it wasn’t exactly easy to deal with your lazy ass. but still, she was supposed to love you and appreciate you just the way you were.

and most of the time she did, just not in this specific situation.

“this isn’t fun at all, i just wanna go home. there’s nothing in here for me at all.”

you brought the red plastic cup to your lips, taking a sip of the bitter liquid eunbin had mixed for you. you weren’t lying, there really wasn’t anything that would make you want to stay, only a few friends of yours getting drunk somewhere in the big house you were currently in.

“come on, please, stay for me,” eunbin fake cried, and for a moment you thought she was going to give up and let you go. “in a bit the guys are gonna play something fun! we should join them, please?” as her last resort, she looked at you with puppy eyes. she was playing dirty and she knew it, you both knew you couldn’t resist them.

giving in with an exasperated sigh, you jumped off the counter to get yourself another drink from the bar in the living room. you were minding your own business until you heard him, the last person you wanted to see at the moment.

“so, i’m telling you guys, she was literally begging me to fuck her, she even moaned while sucking me off–,” donghyuck’s obnoxious voice filled your ears, making you roll your eyes. he was surrounded by a couple of other guys you didn’t know so well but were sure you had seen them before around campus hanging out with him.

“shut up already, dongdong, no one wants to hear it.” you interrupted, walking past him and towards the half empty bottle of vodka on the bar counter.

the group of boys stopped abruptly, all of them turning to look at you, ready for the scene that was going to take place in matter of minutes. donghyuck’s attention also turned to you, biting back a triumphant smirk with a raised eyebrow. he could see past you so he didn’t mind the mocking nickname you used; he could tell you were trying to irritate him enough to make him go away. but he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. he had been eyeing you all night, trying to find ways to get under your skin to catch your attention. and finally, after staying at a safe distance for a while to not spark suspicions, he got what he wanted.

“why so feisty, babe.” the cocky smirk he gave you just made your blood boil, the growing desire to punch it off his pretty face only getting stronger the more you stared at him.

“don’t you get tired of talking shit all day?” you barked, eyes trained on his body while pouring yourself a good amount of alcohol.

you were certainly going to need a lot of liquid courage to get through the night.

“you boast about girls begging for you but i think you’re just trying to hide the fact that you’re the one who has to beg to get laid.”

“i don’t beg, baby.” you rolled your eyes and muttered a ‘sure’. “also, if you’re jealous of me fucking other girls you just had to say it. i wouldn’t be against giving it to you instead.” the stupid wink he threw at you made your body shake in anger, already fed up with the conversation.

“you wish, asshole.”

“actually, i do.”

donghyuck was so fucking annoying, always teasing you and never leaving you alone. your personalities clashed constantly resulting in fights filled with screams and curses, sometimes to the extent of interrupting the class and getting the two of you kicked out of it. he enjoyed watching you struggle and suffer due to his awful pranks, so you were his favorite target. you couldn’t even have a proper date with anyone because he made sure to mess it up either by scaring the crap out of the guy or sabotaging your plans. he almost completely ruined your love life and cockblocked you forever.

you did not get along and everyone knew it.

although eunbin thought it was pure sexual tension and you just needed to get your frustrations off of you with a good fuck.

it wasn’t though.

or was it?

“let’s go hang out with the guys,” your best friend nudged your arm excitedly and you sighed, not feeling like playing anything with them. every time you decided to give in and take part in ‘something fun’ with the guys, it always ended up with you either in trouble or scarred for life.

you had a bad feeling about this all.

“ugh, fine.” she cheered and pulled you through the crowd of drunk people until you reached the basement.

the sound of laughter and screams drowned the music blasting upstairs, there were empty bottles of alcohol sprawled all over the floor and tables and a circle of people in the middle of the room. both of you joined the group with you sitting between eunbin and mark, a close friend of yours that you sadly shared with donghyuck. while you casually chatted and played around with the boy, happily laughing the night away, you could feel a pair of eyes burn holes into your skull. you didn’t have to look up to know who those eyes belonged to, as said person wasn’t even trying to dissimulate.

and by said person you meant donghyuck.

donghyuck hated the way you leaned on mark’s body, how you let his friend rest his head on top of yours and wrap his arm around your waist.

he was jealous, really jealous of your close friendship with the older boy.

mark and you had been friends for a long time now and you could even consider him your best friend, so you were comfortable around each other. you usually hugged, held hands and cuddled, he was used to you wearing his clothes –half of your closet were stolen hoodies that once belonged to him–, he even had a spare change of clothes in his room just in case you decided to drop by for an improvised sleepover. so it wasn’t surprising when sometimes when the two of you hung out on your own, people –even your friends in common– mistook you as a couple.

and the idea of you two dating made donghyuck feel sick to the stomach.

“we’re playing truth or dare, who wants to start?” seoyeon, one of your friends, spoke while looking around for someone to volunteer.

“i’ll go.” lucas raised his hand and everyone nodded, not minding.

the game went smoothly for a while and eventually, the more alcohol everybody drank, the crazier things got. mark ended up getting dared to lick whipped cream off of yuta’s chest and xiaojun had to cross-dress and dance on a table. everything was fine, you hadn’t been picked by anyone yet so you were pretty much having fun just enjoying the show.

until someone called your name.

“y/n, truth or dare?” jaehyun asked with a smirk.

he had an evil glint on his eyes making you feel suspicious. you knew you couldn’t choose truth or else everyone would make fun of you for being a pussy. and jaehyun just knew you well enough to know you weren’t going to let that happen.

you weren’t one to back down.

still, the way he stared at you made an uneasy feeling settle in your stomach.

what could he possibly have in mind?

“dare.”

seems like your gut feeling was right after all.

“give hyuck a lap dance,” jaehyun said immediately after the words left you mouth, making everyone in the room shake, some in excitement and some –you– in anger. donghyuck wasn’t expecting to take part in the dare, but he really wasn’t complaining either. “thank me later babe,” his shit-eating grin only adding fuel to the fire.

fuck.

just as eunbin, donghyuck could sense the sexual tension. and unlike you, he acknowledged it.

but for him it wasn’t just that.

you two had known each other –or at least acknowledged each other's existence– for a few years now, since high school. he was forced to see you almost every day at school, so, naturally, fondness for you started growing slowly in his chest. but it wasn’t until you both left for college that your ‘enemies’ label was established.

and if someone thought he may possibly like you, they were damn right.

he did.

it all started during freshman year, when he tried to befriend you during one of the classes you shared. you seemed irritated by his advances and wanted him away from you, so after a few attempts of softening your heart, he resolved that the only way to stay close to you was annoying the hell out of you.

childish? yeah. he cared? not really.

“come here, babe.” donghyuck tongued the inside of his cheek, a smirk forming on his lips. as he saw the grim look on your face, he sprawled his legs, patting his toned thigh invitingly, eager to get things started.

the look jaehyun gave you had ‘you’re not backing down, are you?’ written all over.

“shit, i hate jaehyun, why did he have to do me dirty like that?” you mumbled angrily to eunbin and she just laughed, finding the situation way funnier than you.

“maybe tonight won’t be as boring as you thought? maybe you’ll end up getting laid.” she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and you only scoffed, “shut up, dumbass.”

“why did you have to do me like that, huh?!” you almost screamed at the older, taking a mental note to beat him up later. he just shrugged and threw you a wink, “asshole.”

mark patted your back to help you relax, he could see you weren’t exactly happy about your dare.

“come on, which song would you like, my lady?” lucas asked, scrolling through his spotify for suiting songs.

“or nah!” yangyang answered before you could even open your mouth. just as you were about to ask for a less sexual song, cheering erupted through the room.

everyone was pumped, adrenaline running through their veins and pushing them to do stupid stuff they would probably regret the next day after waking up hungover. and things just took a rather interesting turn, so they obviously were excitedly awaiting the next series of events.

yay, more stupid memories to regret later.

on the other hand, donghyuck was as doomed as you. he knew the song well, he knew the lyrics by heart but what he didn’t know was if he could control himself with you basically dry humping him in front of a bunch of people to the rhythm of it.

he wasn’t sure it was a great idea.

as soon as you got up to complete the dare, you heard cheering and clapping. and you weren’t going to lie, you wanted to throw yourself out of a window.

breathing deeply in an attempt of relaxing to just get it over with, you made your way towards donghyuck until you were standing a few feet in front of him.

as the music started playing, you started moving. running your finger on the surface of his clothed shoulder, you walked slowly around him, like a predator circling its prey. he tried not to follow your movements, already getting anxious by your closeness and nervously waiting for your next move.

i’ma smoke this joint then i’ma break you off.

i’d be lying if i said you ain’t the one.

you pushed his legs open and settled between them. your hands rubbed his thighs teasingly, fingers drawing closer to his crotch but not quite getting there. you took your sweet time feeling him up, softly scratching his strong arms and leaving red trails behind. donghyuck was so into it, enjoying the sight of you kneeling before him so much that his pants were already starting to feel tight.

heard you not the type that you take home to mom.

is we fuckin’ when we leave the club or nah?

i ain’t spendin’ cash for nothin’ i wanna see you take it off.

and oh how he wanted to see you take it off. all night he couldn’t take his eyes off of your figure, you looked really good in the outfit eunbin had chosen for you.

so good it was almost making him drool.

you sat on his lap, hands going to caress his toned chest and stomach. it was well-known that donghyuck exercised frequently, but it still surprised you. he felt so good you had to bite your lip to prevent a sound from coming out.

when you shifted to sit closer to him, his hands flew to your hips and you could tell his intention was to move them lower to grope your ass, but you weren’t having it.

do you like the way i flick my tongue or nah?

you can ride my face until you’re drippin’ cum.

“if you try to touch me again, i’ll tie you up,” you said with a sweet smile plastered on your face, grabbing him by the wrists and harshly dropping them away from you. donghyuck let out a startled gasp at that, obviously not expecting your attitude. with his hands twitching to grasp anything, he went to grip tightly the sides of the chair.

can you lick the tip then throat the dick or nah?

can you let me stretch that pussy out or nah?

your hips ground against his crotch at such a slow pace that donghyuck was having trouble not pushing you down on him faster. he was getting embarrassingly hornier as seconds passed and wanted nothing more than to fuck you right then and there, even with his friends’ eyes on you both.

donghyuck tried so hard to restrain himself from touching you. he wasn’t one to follow orders, but he tried just for you, he really did.

i’m not the type to call you back tomorrow.

but the way you wrappin’ ‘round me is a prob.

and everything was fine until you kissed him. synchronized gasps filled the room, the sudden show of affection confusing everybody. not even your intoxicated self could understand what the hell were you doing nor who you were doing it with. his breath got stuck in his throat, heart thumping against his chest at an alarming rate. his hands almost tried to bring you closer, but he realized what he was doing on time to stop himself.

he finally broke down when your mouth sucked on his tongue, making his hips grind up against yours unconsciously as his hands grabbed you by your waist, pressing your body flush against his.

that was it.

“you asked for it,” your movements came to a stop as you took off your black leather belt, sticking to your threat of tying him up if he didn’t quit it.

pussy so good, i had to save that shit for later.

took her to the kitchen, fucked her right there on the table.

“oh shit,” donghyuck stirred under you trying to get out of the situation.

this couldn’t be happening.

“no, please,” he whimpered as you fastened the belt until it was wrapped tightly around his wrists, locking his arms behind his back. your audience was unable to hold in their surprise, some mouths falling open. he fought against the restraints to no avail, desperate to free himself, “please, let me go,” he cried out quietly, not wanting the other occupants in the room to hear him.

“stop complaining or else i’ll also gag you,” you spat harshly in his ear, done with his attitude, and he swallowed hard. as you nibbled on his lobe, you felt a strong sense of confidence. it made your chest swell in pride to see the usual big mouth jerk with a smug grin constantly attached to his face falling apart under your touch.

seems like he was the one to beg, after all.

you moved your hips to the rhythm of the music, making sure to press harder against the sensitive tip of his cock, which was already leaking precum. although you weren’t an expert, you’d given a fair share of lap dances, so you knew what you were doing.

and donghyuck could certainly tell.

don’t play with a boss, girl take it off.

take it for a real one.

you gon’ get it all.

“whose bitch are you now, huh?” donghyuck couldn’t speak properly, way too hot and bothered for his brain to come up with any smart-ass response.

you tsked disapprovingly at his lack of response.

“when i ask you a question, you answer.” your fingers tangled in his hair and with a harsh tug you forced him to look up. donghyuck was dazed, lips swollen from you biting on them, eyes glassy from arousal, and mind clouded with lust.

“yours.” he whimpered quietly, forgetting momentarily about your audience.

“good boy.”

you loved how easy it was for you to break him and leave him wanting more, to have him so putty in your hands. specially since hearing comments of other female classmates about donghyuck teasing them almost till the brim of tears was part of your day-to-day life. it felt like you were getting revenge for all of them, so you were enjoying it a lot more than anyone could imagine.

your plump lips trailed down the length of his neck, leaving wet kisses along his honey-like skin, and he threw his head back to give you more access. as you licked, sucked and bit the flesh, donghyuck could hear his heartbeat loud over the music. he usually wouldn’t let a girl suck hickeys on his skin, but the idea of you marking him while everyone watched was rather exciting.

he swore the seconds passed slower than usual. you were just halfway through the song but he didn’t know if he could survive any longer.

donghyuck felt light-headed and painfully aroused, and he wasn’t going to last long if you kept kissing him and moving your hips the way you were.

“i’ma go as far as you let me,” your movements became slower to tease him, making the poor boy want to cry in agony. his jeans felt way too tight to be comfortable and he hoped everyone could just leave you two alone to take it off.

“shit, please,” donghyuck’s eyes closed, head falling forward and hanging low as drops of sweat slid down his forehead. the room felt like an oven and he didn’t know if it was a result of the significant amount of people in such a small space, the alcohol, his choice of clothing or your body pressed closely against his.

probably the latter.

girl, is you sucking me or fucking me or nah?

can i bring another bitch? let’s have a threesome.

“keep saying you’re a freak, you gon’ prove it or nah?” you quietly sang along, pulling his face closer by his hair and grinding down on him harder.

donghyuck was going crazy, he had never expected you to be so sexy, to behave so dirtily. but he loved it, and by the prominent tent in his pants, everybody could tell he was in for the ride of his life.

you’s a ride-or-die chick, you with this shit or nah?

say you not a side bitch, you all-in or nah?

you gon’ make them eggs cheesy with them grits or nah?

you brought him in for a hot kiss that left his head spinning.

donghyuck was growing restless as his climax neared, he was so close he could almost taste it. he couldn’t remember when the last time he got so close to cumming only from some teasing was.

everything was happening so quickly he wasn’t able to stop himself before giving in to the pleasure.

“h-holy fuck,” with a shaky moan that you swallowed, donghyuck shot his load, staining the crotch of his dark jeans. you could feel the wetness seeping through the piece of clothing and dampening your bottoms. his hips gave a few more sloppy thrusts, legs shaking weakly and cock twitching from the confines of his jeans, before falling limp on the chair.

or nah.

as the song ended, he came down from his high. you freed him from the iron grip of your belt, the skin on his wrists was red and slightly swollen. you may have tightened it too much in the heat of the moment, but you weren’t apologizing after giving him probably the best orgasm of his life.

the bewildered expression on his face quickly turned grim as it hit him.

he came in his pants like a fucking teenager.

in a room full of people.

in front of his friends, yours and you.

his friends stood there, both confused and surprised to see donghyuck so affected by your touch. nobody had expected things to end the way they did.

“damn, are you okay my man?” johnny asked, laughing at his friend’s flustered state.

“shut up,” donghyuck answered bitterly. he shot up from his seat, grabbing your hand and shoving you inside the nearest bathroom in the house. he didn’t even care to cover the wet spot on his pants, walking with his chin up and a scowl plastered on his face.

and blame it on how riled up you had gotten from the feeling of his hard dick pressing against your needy pussy, but damn, he looked good.

“i wanna go next!” hendery spoke excitedly. you couldn’t tell if he was just messing with you or if he actually wanted you to give him a lap dance too. either way, it made your lips turn upwards in a smug grin.

once you both made it to the bathroom, he locked the door before pushing you against it, back pressed flush into the hard piece of wood. the ambience took a 180 turn, your confidence faltered slightly at the sight of his angry form.

“you think it’s funny, yeah?” he hummed angrily in your ear. “you think i’d let you do whatever you want and embarrass me in front of my friends just because you feel like it without payback?” the look on his eyes getting darker as the words left his mouth.

“if so, oh baby, you were so wrong.”

trying to test him, you decided to answer.

“you’re all bark and no bite, what else am i supposed to think?” you smirked devilishly when you saw him clench his jaw.

“you’re gonna regret being a brat,” his slender fingers wrapped themselves around your waist and with a harsh tug, he pulled you closer to attack your lips, biting and sucking on them, making your legs wobbly. he tasted sweet and bitter at the same time, probably from the liquor he had been drinking all night, and you couldn’t seem to get enough. his lips were soft and plush as they mingled with yours, teeth roughly clashing and tongues fighting for dominance, “am i?”

donghyuck hissed through his teeth as he unbuckled his pants, letting his cum-covered shaft spring free. he was already hard and you unconsciously rubbed your thighs together to ease some of the tension building up between them. his hand shot to your throat, tightening his grip until you couldn’t breathe properly, before forcing you on your knees.

donghyuck tapped his hard and heavy cock on your lips a couple of times before speaking. “open up, slut,” and you did as you were told, parting your lips and poking your tongue out, waiting for him to slide in.

but he didn’t.

he wanted you to lick him clean, he wanted to see you do as he said, follow his orders like a good girl without complaints.

“clean the mess you’ve done. now.”

the harsh tone of his voice sent a wave of arousal straight to your core. your hands immediately shot up to grab a hold of his length, but before you got too close he stopped you. confusion was written all over your face and for a moment you worried he had changed his mind.

“no hands, i want you to work on it only with that dirty mouth of yours.”

with your hands gripping onto his thighs, your tongue swiped from the base to the head of his cock, eagerly licking him clean. once you had swallowed every drop of his cum, your mouth took him whole, hollowing your cheeks, one hand massaging his balls. donghyuck threw his head back as yours bobbed at a rapid pace, the tip of his cock reaching the back of your throat as you swallowed around him.

when he was about to cum, he pulled away from your mouth, making you whine at the loss. wrapping his hand once again around your throat like a beautiful necklace, he forced you up on your feet. he turned you around before pulling you closer by a rough tug. your clothed ass pressed against his dick, a mixture of his arousal and your saliva wetting the cloth. your hips ground back to both tease him, desperate to feel something, anything. his hands went to the front of your jeans, rubbing his fingers over your clothed clit and a whimper fell from your lips.

“more, i need more,” you pleaded, the barrier of clothes making the feeling less pleasurable.

he surprisingly complied without resistance, dipping the digits under the restricting cloth. a deep groan vibrated against the side of your neck when he felt the wetness that had been gathering inside your panties since your dare.

“look at you, so damn wet,” his mouth watered at the feeling of your needy heat. at this point, donghyuck knew everyone had an idea of what you two could possibly be doing, and although he would enjoy returning the favour by eating you out to his heart’s content, there wasn’t enough space nor time to do so comfortably. but he swore he would make it up to you some time.

“for who is it, baby?” the answer was obvious, but still, he wanted to hear it directly from you. he inserted one long finger until it was knuckles deep inside of you and you let out a squeak, head falling back onto his shoulder.

“for you donghyuck, all for you.”

“that’s right, slut, only i can make you that wet, only i can touch you like this. you’re mine, don’t forget that,” he inserted a second finger and pumped them deeply into you.

“yes,” you breathed out softly, too far gone to fight back with a snarky remark.

although his fingers felt good and you could possibly –with a bit of an effort– cum just from them, you still wanted more. you wanted to feel the nice stretch of his cock tearing your walls apart.

“please, donghyuck.”

“what do you want?”

donghyuck knew what you wanted. fuck, he wanted it too, so bad. he had been waiting for an opportunity like this for a long time and now that he could finally have it, he was going to make the best out of it.

“fuck me,” your core ached to be filled so you swallowed your pride and spoke out.

“condom?”

“we don’t need it, i’m on the pill,” you rushed, stomach twisting and turning in excitement, “please, just fuck me.”

donghyuck’s eyes turned darker, lust clouding both of your minds with the only desire to fuck each other stupid. he pulled down your jeans so they were pooling on your ankles and went back to pump his fingers inside you to make sure you were ready to take him. as he entered you, you had to lean on the sink in front of you to hold yourself up or else you would have faceplanted the mirror.

“you feel so good, fuck, so fucking tight,” donghyuck growled when he was balls deep in you.

whimpers fell from your lips from the delicious stretch of his thick cock. after a few seconds of you adjusting to his size, you backed your ass into his hips to let him know you wanted him to move. he gave a couple of thrusts to test the waters before picking up his pace and you gripped the sides of the sink as he pounded into you. his mouth worked on your neck while you brought one of his hands under your shirt to play with your breasts.

“such a pretty sight, don’t you think?” he tugged harshly at your hair to force you to look at your reflection on the mirror, thrusts never faltering.

your makeup was ruined; lipstick smeared messily all over your lips from the hot make-out session, neck full of bruises donghyuck left to claim you, shirt pulled above your breasts displaying your puckered nipples while one of his big hands grabbed your boob as they bounced with every hard snap of his hips.

“you have no idea how many times i had to control myself not to pounce on you,” his eyes never left your quivering reflection, completely in love with the way your frame molded with his, “every single time you couldn’t keep that pretty little mouth of yours closed and all i wanted to do was shut you up with my cock.”

“f-fuck,” his thrusts turned rougher as his free hand wrapped around your neck, tightening his grip and amplifying the mind-blowing sensations he was giving you.

your asscheeks slapped against his hips, which drilled against you at an unhuman pace, hitting the right spots with every snap and making your eyes roll to the back of your head. you couldn’t keep your mouth shut, loud moans threatening to fall from your lips so you slapped your palm over your mouth to muffle your sounds.

“don’t, i want to hear you,” he gave a particularly hard thrust to try and draw a sound out of you, “i want you to be so loud that all of our friends know what we’re doing, i want them to know how good i’m making you feel.”

specially mark.

but he wasn’t going to tell you that.

“h-hyuck,” you couldn’t hold back the broken moan that fell from your lips, pleasure overtaking your body. your hands gave in and you almost fell forward, but donghyuck reacted sooner and pulled you by your hair, holding you up.

“address me properly, brat,” he growled in your ear. you felt a hard slap on your ass, the skin of the abused area stinging from the impact.

“i’m sorry… fuck, donghyuck,” your cries went straight to his dick, urging him to fuck you harder. he kneaded the flesh soothingly before spanking it again and again until you could make out the imprint of his big hand on your asscheek.

“f-faster, please,” you pleaded in a whine and he tsked, shaking his head, “such a greedy little slut.”

“what would everyone think of you if they could see you so eagerly taking my cock, mm?” donghyuck hummed, “begging for me to fuck you until you can’t walk properly?

shocks of pleasure shot through you, his dirty talk helping you reach your release faster than you anticipated. his grip on you was so tight you were sure you were going to be sore the next day. your moans turned pornographic as you neared your release, your walls squeezed around donghyuck to the point he was unable to move, so he started drawing circles over your sensitive clit to help you get off.

“let go, baby.”

and soon, his touch threw you over the edge, causing your body to shake and a broken moan to fall from your lips, legs weak as your whole weight only relied on your arms for support. he followed shortly after, grunting as he filled you up with his warm and sticky essence.

as he pulled out, a mixture of your slick juices and his seed leaked from your abused hole, dripping down your inner thighs. his fingers slid over to gather the drops of cum and opposite to your assumption, he didn’t push it back inside of you but brought the digits to your face, waiting for you to open your mouth.

“suck.”

and you did, eyes locked with his through the mirror as your tongue swirled around his fingers to lick them clean.

“fuck,” donghyuck sighed, “i didn’t know you were so dirty, sweetheart.”

and the teasing comes back.

“do you want me to remind you how i made you cum in your pants back there in a room full of people?” you rolled your eyes in disbelief and he just let out a breathy laugh.

“whatever. either way, even if they didn’t have the pleasure of fucking you or at least seeing you get fucked, they surely could hear you from how loud you were screaming my name.”

“good thing mark now knows who you belong to,” the words slipped out of his mouth before he could think and both of you shared a look of pure shock.

“did you just mention mark?”

“…no?”

“you did! what the fuck? were you jealous of mark?” you asked, eyes wide as you remembered the disgusted look on his face when you and mark got too touchy with each other during the game.

“i am jealous of mark.”

“what? why?”

“oh my god, you’re so dense.”

“shut up, i’m not.”

“yes, you are. i like you dumbass, that’s fucking why. why wouldn’t i be jealous if you two act like you’re dating but always deny it when questioned? i can give you my hoodies, i can cuddle you and hold your hand, i can spoil you with cute stuff. i can be your boyfriend, it doesn’t have to be him.”

everything was so weird.

you were supposed to be enemies for fucks sake.

but he looked cute with pouty lips.

“well, you sure have got a damn weird way of demonstrating it.”

“shut up, okay?” donghyuck snapped, done with trying to get you to shut the fuck up. “i just didn’t know how to approach you or talk to you at all, alright?” he sighed, a scowl forming on his face. “you always seem to be angry when i’m around.” the change in his voice shocked you, it was much softer now, as if he was afraid of you hearing it.

“hey, don’t beat yourself for it, alright?” you sighed, feeling bad for being so mean to him for no reason. because you really didn’t have a reason. whenever you weren’t at each other’s throats and you got time to observe him from afar, you saw how caring he was with his friends, even if most of the time he annoyed the crap out of them.

donghyuck actually seemed like a good guy… if you ignored his teasing.

maybe you didn’t hate him as much as you thought.

“so, would you be my-,”

suddenly, the sound of banging on the door resonated through the room.

“are you done already? i need to pee.”

you quickly fixed your clothes, embarrassed by the presence of someone outside the door waiting for you and donghyuck to get out and momentarily forgetting about the boy’s proposal. just as you were about to open the door and get yourself the fuck out of the situation, his arms wrapped around your waist to pull you closer and whisper to your ear in a way you could feel your panties get damp once again.

“we’re not done yet, princess.”

–lia:)

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mindfulwrathwrites · 2 years

Text

I Am Haunting Your House

Words: 609 Warnings: None

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...

Dear Homeowner,

It's come to my attention, through a series of horrible little actions on your part, that you might be trying to get rid of me. The priest was an interesting choice, by which I mean, an insult and a waste of time. Might I suggest buying a carbon monoxide alarm instead?

That won't get rid of me, either, but you might get some use out of it.

Now hear me out, because I really think you're overreacting, and if you keep it up, we're going to have a problem. I haven't been cruel to you. Sure, sometimes I jiggle the door handle just right so it won't lock and I make you late for work, sometimes I make your phone beep when you don't have any messages, once in a blue moon I flicker the lights. Every house has its quirks, and you could've just lived with that. The last guy ignored me and we never had a problem. But you, you have been cruel to me. You have tried to hurt me. You wish I didn't exist and you aren't shy about letting me know it.

Dear Homeowner, I must recommend against this. Every time you piss me off, I loosen the handle on your toilet. I'm digging a hole under the north corner of your foundation. You bring crosses, I bring cold spots. You bring holy water, I bring knocking pipes. You bring a priest, you bring me an eviction notice from God, and I bring the pain, you son of a bitch, I bring my goddamn A-game.

You think you can kick me out of this house? Motherfucker, I AM this house!

I'm the noise the chimney makes in the wind. I'm the fat cockroach in your kitchen that always gets away before you can squash it, and you're welcome to put down more poison, I loooove poison, I grind it up and smear it on the bottom of your pots so they always smoke when you put them on the burner. I'm the weird smell in your closet and you cannot febreeze me away, I scoff at your febreeze, something is rotten in the state of your crisp white shirts and you will never find it. Those cracks at the corners of the windows will keep coming back no matter how many times you paint over them, they're mine, I put them there, I like them there. I'm that stain in your carpet, you know the one, and you can get down on your knees and scrub for a thousand years but if you keep trying to wash me out then So Help Me God, I'll mildew.

I am haunting your house I am haunting your house I've been here forever and I'm never coming out

I pulled down your shower curtain and knocked the globe off your porch light. Every night I come into your children's bedrooms and throw their stuffed animals on the floor. I turn on your electric toothbrush while you're out and let it run and run and run until you come home. I trip your circuit breakers every third time you use the dryer and I am gathering lint on the heating element and I will burn it down, I will burn your fucking house down, and when you scuttle out into the flame-painted dark I will still be here, when your insurance cuts you a check for everything you ever loved I will still be here, when the earth-movers scrape the last ashes of your shit from this plot I WILL STILL BE HERE. You're welcome to rebuild. I dare you to try.

I'm not going anywhere.

#06 Apr 2022 #flash fiction #horror #comedy #you know just having normal feelings about normal things #like the fact that the entire texas legislature can suck my trans ass

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skelelephant · 2 years

Note

Hello!! I listened to your Jared Hopworth playlist the other day and really loved it! Was wondering if you share your thoughts on why you picked some songs/how they relate to him. Basically I just want to know how you see him lol Thanks for your time!!

Anon I am holding your hands in my own so earnestly as I say this but THANK YOU for this ask and thank you for enjoying my playlist!!!

You sent this ages ago and I was very excited about it! And then school and life immediately sapped all the energy from my body, BUT—

I am always so very down to talk about my boy he holds a very special place in my heart. Also you said some songs but I’m just. I’m just gonna break down the entire playlist cause now I have an excuse

But I’ll put it under the cut bc I’m going to talk a lot ��

(also cw for some brief discussions of emotional abuse and general Flesh-related stuff below)

ANYWAY. Onto the brainrot:

1. Dirty Town - Mother Mother

So this one is up first ‘cause it’s a song about being dissatisfied with where you live, wanting to leave and go somewhere else, etc etc. I saw that kind of dissatisfaction in Jared a lot through his statement in MAG 131, where he talks about not doing well in school or really seeing a future for himself, as well as Sebastian’s comment in MAG 17 about Jared thinking Sebastian leaving him there was “something of a betrayal.” (Though I know this song is more small town/country and Chiswick seems like a pretty bustling area lmao so the vibes aren’t exact)

2. Be Nice To Me - The Front Bottoms

So this song is perhaps The Jared Song Ever. It’s just *chefs kiss* perfect. Like the accidental (or purposeful) destruction of self to fit a narrative assigned to you so that you inevitably become a self-fulfilling prophecy?? How that behaviour ends up destroying good relationships and pushing people away but you’re in too deep to really reverse course??? It makes me think about Jared and Sebastian’s friendship breaking down as they grow apart and change as people but still aren’t able to fully rid themselves of like. That childish fondness you still have for your old friends. (You’re gonna find I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about Sebastian Adekoya also)

3. Angel Eyes and Basketball by Foot Ox

Once again I am thinking about Jared becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy of anger and acting out and not being able to stop it.

[ID: a screenshot of lyrics that read “I am calling all of my friend to pull me out from this hole, But they’re so caught up in their own shit, And I’m so caught up in my own shit. End ID.]

This bit in particular reminds me of how Jared said he went through friends pretty fast, and how Sebastian was probably his only true long-lasting friend. But even Sebastian couldn’t stay and try to help him forever.

4. Father - The Front Bottoms

I have a lot of thoughts about Jared’s parents honestly, particularly his dad, most of which are me projecting. I won’t get into too much of that mess however I do think about the bit from MAG 131 where Jared says “But they were scared, and that felt good, even back then. It felt right. My Dad was proud of it too. He was a short man, bully, and watching me loom over people really made him happy.” And I think about Jared simultaneously having a strained relationship with his father while also doing everything he could to make him proud, even if that meant being just as much of a bully as him.

5. Days - The Drums

We’re circling back around to his relationship with Sebastian with this one. I think as dismissive as Jared is when addressing Sebastian in his statement during 131, Jared had kind of grown to depend on him for a lot, emotionally speaking. Kind of the break when you’re talking about someone’s only real friend growing up. The song itself is pretty upbeat so I’m reaching a little, (and I’ll reach pretty far ngl) but I do think about Jared feeling like he’s finally lost the only person that actually cared about him when Sebastian leaves for uni, so now he’s got to go it alone and abandon that childhood friendship.

6. Brave as a Noun - AJJ

Ngl I think about “And God knows I could make amends, But I’ve got an angry heart”, in relation to Jared realizing he’s tearing apart the one good friendship he ever while simultaneously not knowing how to Not Do That so often. I firmly believe that Jared and Sebastian actually legitimately cared about each other, but Jared was heading in a direction Sebastian couldn’t save him from and it ended up destroying their friendship.

[ID: a screenshot of lyrics that read “I could go off the deep end, I could kill all my best friends, I could follow stylish trends, And God knows I could make amends, But I've got an angry heart, Filled with cancers and poppy tarts, If this is how you folks make art it's fucking depressing. End ID.]

7. Bullfighter Jacket - Miniature Tigers

Surprise surprise I am talking to you about Jared and Sebastian’s friendship once again with this one. This ones a bit of a “I’m reaching/it’s really just one lyric” sort of song but I think the vibe is good for them.

[ID: a screenshot of lyrics that read “Now nothing seems to stay the same, I’m terrified to lose you, but more afraid to change (Oh!) End ID.]

This bit in particular makes me think about like. Jared in the process of realizing that the way he’s turned out is driving away his best friend, but he doesn’t have any sort of identity outside of being a general menace. This is all he’s got, and he’s sticking with it, but he also doesn’t want to lose Sebastian. So this turns into him seeking Sebastian out to be a menace to him directly cause it’s the only way he knows how to connect with people anymore.

8. What Can I Do If the Fire Goes Out? - Gang of Youths

This song is part of my agenda to get more people to listen to the rest of this album besides Achilles Come Down (ironically also on this playlist but we’ll get to that later.) Anyway stream Go Farther In Lightness. But REALLY this song is about abandonment, and Jared is just. Rife with abandonment issues. We know this, we love him, maybe go to therapy king <3

Anyway struggling to maintain connections but ultimately losing them or questioning whether or not you really needed them in the first place really fits in well with him I think.

9. Garden Song - Phoebe Bridgers

Ohhhh the passage of time and dwelling on old wounds that are healed over but not forgotten, just made peace with. Plus it’s about gardens and growth and if you’ve read any of my other long winded “I’m very emotional about Jared rn” posts you’ll know I have BIG feelings about Jared’s domain being a garden. I’ll spare you that whole emotional rollercoaster here but personally I think Jared can have,,,, a little healing. Not that I’m projecting very hard onto this monster man or anything but I think the implications of him “growing” things in the end speaks for itself.

10. Misery Fell - Tally Hall

This song is in here for Sebastian! Honestly I’ve fleshed out Sebastian’s character a lot purely based on my own unhinged headcanoning, so this one especially might seem like a reach since it’s mostly based on my own interpretation of a character we only get a single statement from. But I think this song’s story about a town with a unique relationship with books and knowledge and an outside force that changes that relationship very suddenly fits well for him.

11. Bad Habits - FIDLAR

This one is really just what it says on the tin, it’s a song about bad habits and why someone might engage in them, how they can provide comfort despite their unhealthiness and prove themselves to be really hard to break. And it’s got that extra flavour of being scared/uncertain about your future that I think informs a lot of Jared’s character. Plus I think I could see Jared liking this song in-fiction truthfully.

12. I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers

Okay so this song in particular is entirely my very specific interpretation of Jared’s character that is,,, mostly projection. Look, I know what canon says but We’re Not Looking At Canon right now. And in my heart of hearts I think Jared did have the capacity to heal and get better, and because I think writing him off as something purely evil and inhuman does a disservice to the character. So this song is mostly *recognition of self through the other* from one former big angry teenager (me) to another (fictional) former big angry teenager.

13. Trouble - Cage The Elephant

This one is also mostly vibes based but it’s got a weariness to it that I associate a lot with s5 Jared. Like if we think about it— Jared is in his forties or thereabouts by the time MAG171 rolls around. There was a lot of violence and acting out and physicality to most of his earlier appearances that aren’t really reflected in 171. He does threaten to try and get a “few good hits in” when Jon shows up to smite him, but think about how quickly he lets go of that?? I’ve mentioned this in other posts but I genuinely don’t think that earlier seasons Jared would’ve backed down in that situation, even if he knew he’d lose, which just goes to show how much he’s changed by the time s5 rolls around.

14. Skeleton Appreciation Day - Will Wood and the Tapeworms

This one just feels very Fleshcore honestly, both with the focus being on bones and also the theme of body image/intimacy issues. Like I love the butcher aesthetic believe me, (just look at my main TMA oc lmao) but sometimes I think people forget the other areas and fears that the Flesh extends to. But that’s a whole other post honestly I could talk about how reductive the fandom gets with the Flesh just as much as I could talk about how reductive they are with Jared LMAO

15. Body - Mother Mother

Listen. I am not immune to The Flesh Song Ever. I’m just SAYING if the shoe fits HHEHDHFHF

But rlly a lot of the notes from the last song apply here too. One day I’ll write a rambling post about the Flesh itself..... one day

16. Real Men - Mitski

This song was given to me by a mutual (hi Calvin if you’re reading this) and OH the toxic masculinity hurting inward as much as it does outward and how that reflects in Jared’s character is just.... so fitting. Like I think on the surface level most people get that Jared’s character is informed a lot by toxic masculinity and how it’s taught and learned and ultimately rewarded and encouraged. Jared learns from his father that it’s good to be strong and mean, good to put others beneath you. He’s rewarded for being like that to the point where when that strength stops serving him he doesn’t really have any other place in the world, which ultimately makes him a perfect candidate for the Boneturner’s Tale.

17. Achilles Come Down - Gang of Youths

Ik for a few weeks there this was everyone’s blorbo from my shows song (and rightly so, it fucks, once again listen to the whole album I am BEGGING—) but I think it fits Jared well bc of the self-destructive tendencies and hopelessness on display here. Jared said it himself in MAG131, he couldn’t see a future for himself, he was just acting out bc that’s all he had left. The one person who he thought actually cared about him (in his eyes) betrayed him and left him behind too. And I like this song bc it’s being sung from the perspective of someone trying to prevent Achilles from jumping. Makes me think about how Sebastian very well could have done his best to keep Jared on a good path, keep their friendship together, but ultimately there comes a time where the strain is too much, and you have to let a person go.

18. Just Take My Wallet - Jack Stauber’s Micropop

This is. The MAG17 song. This Is It. Jared’s mom is another character I think a lot about, but that shouldn’t be surprising at this point if you’ve actually made it this far into this post. I think she was as much a victim of Jared’s father’s “bullying” as Jared was, and based on Jared’s recollection of her I don’t think she took a very active role in making sure Jared was protected from that. But I think people forget that she was one of— if not the first people we know Jared tested his powers on. And I think often about how she saw what this book was doing to her son and the monster it was turning him into and she STILL somehow managed to get it away from him to return it to the library. She ultimately tried to protect her kid from what the Boneturner’s Tale was doing to him. Also this bit??? This bit at the end??????

[ID: screenshot of lyrics that read “What's the softest way to say, You took away my friend, my buddy? What's the kindest way to say, You took away my friend? What's the kindest way to say, You took away my friend, my buddy? What's the kindest way to say, The end?” End ID.]

Is this Jared talking about Sebastian leaving him? Is this Sebastian in the years that follow Jared’s disappearance wrestling with the guilt of bringing the Boneturner’s Tale to him and hating it for taking his friend away before they could even attempt to reconcile their friendship? Either way I’m distraught!

19. I Guess It Could Be Looked at as an Escape, or as a Chance to Start Over - Flatsound

So this song doesn’t have any words, but from title and vibes alone I thought it followed song 18 really well. Because if you think about what the Boneturner’s Take offered Jared it *could* be looked at as an escape or a chance to start over. It was the lifeline he needed to escape what he was certain would be a bitter and miserable existence, though of course it didn’t come without cost, so the melancholic and lonely sound of the song itself reflects that really well.

20. Banks - Lincoln

Another song given to me by a mutual! (Hi Hope :3c)

This is a more recent edition and I forgot to actually arrange it in the playlist BUT REGARDLESS this one circles back around to Jared and Sebastian bc I think way too much about the two of them before MAG17. This is once again a lot of wishful thinking a projection that maybe Jared and Sebastian could have worked things out. Theres an AU in my head where they actually manage to talk and sort things out when Sebastian comes back from university

[ID: a screenshot of lyrics that read: I want the catharsis of knowing, something bad’s about to happen, but also knowing that I can’t do anything about it, because your new house just don’t shine, quite like the one you grew up in used to, I wanna come and visit, I wanna see this through, but, I never will because you’re just not what I need, and I am just not what you want, though you’re in everyone I meet and. End ID.]

Also this verse??? I’ll take close friends who drifted apart but still care very deeply for each other on some level for $100

ANYWAY. THATS IT

Once again I am shaking your hand if you’ve read this entire rambling thing, and THANK U AGAIN ANON for giving my an opportunity to talk about how much I care about Jared Hopworth.

#THIS TOOK ME AGES IM SORRY #I HAVENT HAD THE BRAIN SPACE TO FINISH THIS #BUT HERE U GO ANON TY FOR THE ASK #tma #the magnus archives #jared hopworth #praying to god this posts right cause i dont usually post from desktop hdfhfhf #my favourite chords

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talesofstyles · 3 years

Text

Reconcile II

Ok so I know that I wrote the first part with reader insert, but after many, many attempts to keep it that way, it just didn’t work with this one. So I’d like for you to meet Emma. This is my first time writing with OC and wow game changer. I love her and I hope you do too!

Also, I honestly can’t thank my beta queens enough @oh-honey-styles @for-fucks-sake-h 🥺💛 thanks for allll the comments and suggestions and nice words!!! ily both xx

Read part I here

Harry

“So… are we okay now?”

We’re sitting here on the sofa, finally having that very much needed father-daughter date. Granted, a movie night in was not what I had in mind. I wasn’t too thrilled when she said she wanted to just go back home after we dropped George at his classmate’s house for a birthday sleepover. I thought she would hole up in her room instead and ignore me. But she didn’t. I got us pizza for tea, and we’ve got Shrek 2 on the telly. Her animosity towards me disappeared just like that after she asked for a puppy the other day. Of course, I’m glad to have my happy-go-lucky daughter back, but deep down I know that we need to have a proper chat. The change in her behaviour is so abrupt that I know there’s a chance that my daughter is still bitter with me deep down. And that won’t do. I can take a lot of things, but my daughter’s resentment is not one of them.

“Yeah, we’re okay,” she nods as she takes a bite of her pizza. “You’re still getting me a puppy right?”

“I still need to talk to your mum about it, poppet,” I tell her. “Puppies need a lot of attention. It’s going to be hard work and that puppy is going to be a permanent member of our family. We’ve really got to think about it before we decide.”

I expect a little excitement knowing that her mum and I are really considering getting a puppy. But what I get is quite the opposite. My little girl’s gaze drops, her face slackening. Her voice cracks a little when she mumbles, “except… we’re not a family.”

I wince, realising how serious the effect our split has on my daughter. Despite Emma and I putting on a friendly, united front for our children, Minnie is still sad that her parents are not together.

“Of course we’re still a family,” I assure her, pulling her to me for a comforting side hug. “I’m still your dad, mummy is still your mum, and you and George are still the lights of our lives.”

“But you and mummy aren’t together anymore,” she points out bitterly. “And you live so far away from us now. I miss having you at home.”

“I know, my love,” I murmur gently, and turn sideways so she can see my face. “It’s killing me too. But you never know what the future holds, right?”

“I guess,” she says glumly.

I wish I can tell her that I’m trying to win her mum back so we can be together again, but I know I can’t do that. This is far too early. I don’t want to get her hopes up in case I’m not successful in convincing my wife to give me another shot. That’ll only break her heart all over again.

Thinking back, I realised that this is the first time we have a proper chat about our split. I fled to LA the next morning after my wife asked me to leave our marital home back in London, leaving her to sit down with our children to tell them that I was not going to live there anymore. I was shocked and angry because I had no idea what I’d done. I thought we were fine. There were no fights leading up to that. I still remember exactly what I told her. ‘You’re the one who wanted to end it, you tell them.’ And then I left.

Just like that. Without a fight.

I swear to God, it’s something that I would never be able to forgive myself.

“How’s your mum?”

“She’s sad,” Minnie sighs. “She cries a lot. She thinks we can’t hear her in the shower, but we can.”

Knowing I caused that physically hurts. I rub at the throb of pain behind my breastbone and I think about all those private tears I shed through it. The ones you hope are hidden and silent.

“Can I ask you something, daddy?”

“Anything, poppet.”

“Do you still get sad too?”

I’m not sure how much to divulge here. Does my daughter need to hear that I stopped eating? That I once cried in the loo at Cafe Habana, and once had to be fished out of a bath by Jeff after I turned into a human prune? I was sad. I still wear that hat.

“I do. It’s the end of something, that’s always sad.”

“I think mum is dating someone,” she says and my eyes widen. “She told us Luke is her friend, but I think he’s her boyfriend. They’re on a date now, aren’t they?”

I can try and deny it, but I know my daughter is smart and won’t buy anything I tell her.

“What do you know about boyfriends?” I tease, my attempt to lighten up the mood.

“I’ve just turned nine, I’m not stupid,” Minnie rolls her eyes. “‘Sides I’m thinking about getting one of those boyfriend thingies.”

I sit there slack-jawed, and my daughter roars with laughter.

“Minnie Alexandra, you’re going to drive me to an early grave, you know that?”

“Hey, what are you middle naming me for? I was joking!” She says, still laughing as she picks a piece of pepperoni off her pizza.

“How do you feel about your mum dating again?” I ask her.

She pauses. “I don’t know yet. As long as he’s nice and doesn’t put me under the stairs…”

“I’m sure he won’t. In the attic maybe,” I joke.

She laughs again. I’m thinking about keeping that bloke in the attic so my wife won’t date him anymore. Or even better, six feet under my patio. That’ll do.

“It’s gonna be okay, right, dad?”

Honestly, I’m not sure. But I don’t have the heart to tell her that.

“Yeah, Min. It’s gonna be okay.”

***

I see the headlight shining into the front windows as I walk down the stairs from tucking my daughter into her bed. That must be Emma and her date. I pull back the curtain a little to peek outside, and I’m right as I see that bollockface’s car in front of the house.

You know that saying; curiosity killed the cat? Well, in my case, curiosity fucked me with a chainsaw.

I’m a bloody idiot. I should have just closed the curtain back as soon as I recognised the car. I mean… it’s the end of a date. What did I expect to see? A high five? I knew I was so sure when they left that he would not be getting anything more than a friendly kiss, but that date must have gone really well, because right now, my eyes may as well fall out of their sockets as I see that bastard’s tongue down my wife’s throat.

I’m frozen. I’m gripping the curtain so tight that my knuckles are turning white. I stand there—stunned. Watching. I’m not even sure for how long. It does feel like forever. Like an eternity.

In hell.

And then Emma pulls back, and everything seems like a blur. I have to remind myself that my daughter is sleeping upstairs so I won’t go apeshit and knock that wanker square on his arse.

I’m still glued to the floor by the door. I’m too shocked to move. I hear the sound of keys rattling before the door swings open, and she looks surprised when she sees me.

And all hell breaks loose.

“What the fuck, Emma?!” She jolts at hearing me shout. I rarely did it. In fact, I’m not even sure if I’d ever yell at my wife before throughout our marriage. “You told me last night you’d never even kissed him. You told me you weren’t ready.”

“I- I don’t know. He caught me off guard. That was-”

“I told you I wanted to make this work,” I remind her, trying to lower my voice so I won’t wake my daughter up. She doesn’t need to see this. “Us. Our marriage. I told you I wanted to fight for you. But I can’t do that with someone shoving their tongue down my wife’s throat, can I?”

As soon as the words leave my mouth, I see her tear up and I immediately feel regret. That was harsh. But before I can apologise, I can see her lip curls up and I know she’s about to get nasty. It’s a rarity with her when we’ve fought in the past, but I feel it coming.

“You’re unbelievable, you know that?” She sneers. “You think that if you put a toy down, it’ll still be sitting there when you want to play with it again.”

“That’s-”

“You have no right to be upset at me. We’ve split up for nearly a year now. What I do and what I don’t do on my dates is none of your business.”

“I want us to give our marriage another shot,” I say in exasperation. “I want to try to win you back, but fuck’s sake you’re not even giving me the time of day.”

“Oh, look how the tables turned,” she taunts. “Sucks, innit? Being the one struggling to find the time when it seems like the other doesn’t give a crap?”

“Cheap shot, Ems,” I retort.

“Truth hurts, doesn’t it, H?”

Emma averts her eyes, her lower lip quivering. I can’t tell if she regrets her harsh words or not, but she doesn’t look back my way, and she seems to have said her piece.

I knew sooner or later this was bound to happen. We never had our big fight, not even that night when she decided that enough was enough.

“I cannot possibly go through that again. It physically hurts,” she says softly. “I know I was the one who ended it, but when you just left like that the next morning without so much of a fight as if ten years means nothing to you… that really did hurt. You left me alone to talk to the kids about what happened. And sure, you did call every day. But it took you nearly nine months to finally come and see your children?”

“I needed some time. Some space,” I tell her. “Do you think it’s easy for me being there? Away from my wife and kids?”

“You chose to be there.”

“You know I couldn’t stay in London,” I murmur. “It’s too hard. At least in LA sometimes I can just pretend that everything’s okay. That we’re okay. That my wife and kids will be there waiting for me when I get home. I can’t do that in London.”

“That’s a shit excuse and you know it,” she mutters.

“I still love you, Em,” I say with a sigh. I know trying to defend myself further for what I did will get me nowhere. “We can fix this. We can be a family again.”

“Harry, it’s too late.”

“Is it him?” I can’t help but go there, because that’s a possibility. “Do you love him already?”

“Luke is a fresh start for me, H. I may not love him now but at least it doesn’t hurt looking at him. It took me months to be able to get back up again, to get to where I am right now. To finally find a little bit of peace.”

Emma’s head hangs low, and she rubs at her temple with her fingers. I want nothing more than to pull her into my arms. But by how stiff her spine is, I can tell she wouldn’t come willingly.

“I’m sorry, Emma,” I whisper, resigned. Tears well up in our eyes. There’s nothing I can say that will change her mind because we’re not seeing eye to eye. She’s still focused on the past, not that I blame her because I did hurt her badly, but I know that there is no way we can go anywhere if she can’t see past the harms I’ve caused in the past. “I hope one day you’ll be able to forgive me.”

“I’ve forgiven you a long time ago,” she says, her expression softens. Her thumb runs at a part of her finger where a ring used to be. “Now, I just want us to try and make this separation work. Focus on the kids. Let’s do the right thing by them.”

I nod.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah.”

“When did it all start?” I ask, my voice cracks a little. “When did you start feeling like you’re invisible to me?”

“I’m not sure I can point down to one exact moment,” she takes a shaky breath and pauses. “The change was gradual that by the time I realised it, I didn’t even recognise us anymore. I spent days and nights wondering what happened to us. That wasn’t us.”

I wipe that one tear running halfway down her cheek, and as soon as my thumb touches her skin, I lose it. I can’t help it by this point. Tears flow as much as I try to hold them back. She’s crying too. This is painful.

“And it’d be too easy to say that I felt invisible,” she continues. “Because the truth is, I felt painfully visible. You ignored me on purpose. I wasn’t even sure what I was to you anymore, because the only chance for me to get your attention was by getting you in bed. And that was wrong. It hurts, because it felt like you only needed me to warm your bed.”

I want to deny that statement. I want to yell it’s not true. That I never intended to take her for granted. That she still makes my heart skip a beat like a bloody teenager seeing his first crush.

But I don’t.

Because she’s right. I’m not sure what happened either, but we’d changed. Maybe it’s our jobs, maybe it’s the endless responsibilities. Domesticity, children, they wore us down. Kisses became perfunctory. Hugs became less frequent. Hell, I couldn’t even remember the last time I took my wife for a date night other than for social obligations.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her again. I’ll spend the rest of my life apologising to her if I have to, she deserves it. “I hurt you badly. I really am sorry, Emma.”

“It wasn’t all you though,” she mumbles. “I never called you out on it.”

“You didn’t,” I reply. “I never worked out why?”

“I swept it under the carpet because it was embarrassing. It felt silly having to ask for your attention. And I don’t know… pride, maybe? And the kids. I didn’t want them to know something was wrong. So I played along and carried on like nothing was happening.”

“When really…”

“It was like a punch to the guts each time. You were an excellent father. You still are, the kids adore you. This may sound insane and it’s embarrassing and painful for me to admit this, but there were times when I saw you with the kids and I couldn’t help but feel jealous. When you couldn’t even be bothered to look at me… it felt like you took a dump over all my love for you.”

“Emma…”

“I wish I could get past that. I wish I could just forget what happened and trust you again.”

I bring her in for a hug and say nothing. She needs to get this all out. This is part of the process, and I’m here to listen.

But where do we go from there?

Reconciling a broken marriage is tricky. I am not a violent person but I have never wanted to strangle people as much as I want to strangle those who wrote articles with countless advice regarding this subject, making it seem like it’s easy. Talk it out, get your point across, and you’re out of the dog house. Well, you know what, bollockface? It turns out that listening is not enough. Sod you and your dumb articles.

All I know is that I can’t rush this. She’s not ready, and that’s okay. Right now, we both have things to work on. She needs to learn to let go of her resentment, and I have to learn not to take anything and anyone for granted ever again. This is killing me, but there is no one to blame but myself. I take solace in knowing the fact that I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. Maybe one day we’ll be back together. Maybe we won’t.

“Thank you for telling me all that,” I mumble against her hair.

“Thank you for listening,” she looks up and gives me a sad smile.

***

Emma comes from a big family.

There’s Jamie, her eldest brother and the only guy. I think the fact that he grew up surrounded by sisters was what made us the closest in the first place. He hates wine, even though he makes a career out of managing his own vineyard. I know, the irony. The next is Suze, sister number one who lives in Sheffield with her husband and three girls. Suze and her husband are both orthopaedic surgeons. Then my wife, the middle child. Then Meg, sister number two who just had a baby. It’s another girl so my George is still the only grandson in the family. And then Lucy, the youngest of the clan who’s still in university.

They all live nearby, and I knew that all my in-laws hated me a tiny bit for taking their daughter and sister away. They were a hard outfit to infiltrate. You don’t enter into a relationship with one of them, you get a whole gaggle of them. It was hard to get in, but once you’re in, you’re in for life.

After we’d split, I called my parents-in-law the next morning just before my flight to LA. I wasn’t sure whether or not Emma had told them about what happened, but I felt like it was the right thing to do. After all, they’d become my parents too for a decade. So I explained and apologised. Of course, I didn’t tell them the details because I knew they were between Emma and me, and they respected us enough not to ask. They were upset, but they also understood that these things happen in life. All they wanted was just for their grandbabies to come out of this unscathed.

Now here I am, walking behind Emma and our children as we step over the threshold into her parents’ home for their monthly roast. Her parents invited me and I accepted. I don’t want to turn down any extra time I have with my kids as I’ve decided to leave today and head back to London. I was prepared to stay longer, take some time off work and fight for my marriage, but since it all has gone to pot, I figured I should leave. The world doesn’t stop even when you’re struggling with marital woes. I’ve got work to do, and I also know that it is best to give Emma space.

I hear voices as we walk inside.

“If littl’uns are going in highchairs then what’s that extra space for?” I hear Meg’s husband say.

Meg tells him. “Count again, addition was never your strong point.”

“Oh.”

The house is suddenly quiet when they see me. This is my first time seeing the whole family again after we split, and even though my parents-in-law and I are on good terms, and Jamie too, I know the sisters would be a different story. All four of them are beyond close and they’re now looking at me as if they should’ve chucked me in the oven instead of the chicken.

You don’t do that to our sister. You hurt one, you hurt all of us.

“Uncle Harry!” Freya shouts in excitement. She is one of Suze’s daughters. She and her twin sister Tessa are only a few months older than my George.

Suze, who is sitting on the sofa, looks a bit sullen, not knowing what the right call is to make. Meg and her husband freeze.

“Alright there, mate?” Jamie greets me, trying to ease the tension. Suze glares at him.

“Are you here to do magic then, Uncle Harry?” Tessa asks.

I bend down to her level. “Not sure I know any magic, Tessie.”

“Yeah you do!” Freya pipes up. “Because when we were driving here, daddy said you did a disappearing act on Aunty Ems. Show us what you did!”

“FREYA!” Her dad barks.

Meg can barely contain her giggles.

“But we like magic. You’re rubbish at magic,” she says to her dad. He widens his eyes.

The sisters are now all smiling smugly, knowing a couple of six-year-olds just shamed me on their behalf. Extra roast potatoes for those two.

Lucy, the littlest sister, suddenly enters. That’s definitely not a happy face. “Oh, it’s you. Is that why everyone went so quiet? What are you doing here?”

“Luce,” Emma mutters.

“Because I invited him,” says a voice emerging from the kitchen. My father-in-law. “Harry, glad you could make it.”

“Of course,” I reply. “Thanks for the invitation.”

Lucy stares daggers at her dad, knowing she can’t unleash her trademark rapier wit as she’s surrounded by her little nieces and nephews. That one may be the youngest but she’s the scariest out of all the sisters, my wife included.

“Look, if it’s weird, I can just leave?” I offer.

“Nonsense, you must stay for supper,” Emma’s mum replies.

“Yeah, Harry, stay,” says Emma’s dad, staring at his daughters. “I want you lot to be nice. Otherwise, I’m putting you on the kids table. You hear me?”

The three of them nod in unison.

“You two look well,” I say, my attempt to make small talk.

“You know, dad’s been singing this morning,” Emma’s mum chirps, tilting her head towards her husband. “He joined a male choir. They think they’re Westlife.”

We all can’t help but laugh. This is classic mum. The tension seems to ease away.

Let’s just hope it stays that way.

***

There’s a strange feeling of déjà vu as I take a seat on the steps in front of the cottage.

I’m all packed up and ready to go. My weekender bag is in the boot of my car. Nothing left to do but say goodbye to my wife and kids, but I don’t go straight inside.

Not yet. I need a moment.

These steps witnessed a lot of our marriage even though we’d never stayed here for longer than a couple of weeks at a time. We loved to sit out here in the summer. I remember when I first brought my stuff here shortly after we got married, we sat out here with beers, sleeves rolled up, boxes stacked into Jenga-style columns.

I also remember sitting here last year on Christmas morning. Emma and I were both in our pyjamas and slippers, sipping coffees out of our matching Christmas mugs. We watched the kids ride their new scooters up and down the street. Everything was perfect. I had no idea that my marriage would end in just two months after that.

“Harry?”

I look over my shoulder and I urge her to sit beside me. She comes over and does just that. There is silence. We don’t say a word to each other. A quiet hum of traffic in the distance, puffs of breath cloud the air making me think we should both be wearing coats. Christmas is nearly here again. My heart aches at the thought of this being our first Christmas since everything fell apart.

“I’m sorry,” she says softly.

“I should be the one apologising, Em.”

“I know you wanted to work things out,” I hear the sadness in her voice. “I really loved you, you know that, right?”

“I do,” I nod. “Our marriage, all those years… it wasn’t all bad, though, right?”

“Of course,” she quickly replies. “We had our moments. We have Minnie and George.”

We pause, letting that sink in. In all this mess, those two were and remain everything, some symbol of our marriage not being a complete disaster.

“There were also times when you were a good husband,” she adds.

“Why do I feel like you’re going to pat me on the head?”

Emma laughs under her breath.

“Your new bloke seemed a nice sort,” I tell her, because it’s true. I may hate the guy with a burning passion, but that’s only because he’s dating my wife.

“He is.”

“That got legs?” I ask her.

“Possibly.”

“I want you to be happy, Ems,” I tell her. “With or without me.”

“Harry…”

“But I also want you to know that I’ll be waiting for you. No rush, no timeline. I’ll wait for as long as it takes. Because for me, it’s either you or no one else.”

The front door opens and two little faces pop out from behind it.

“What are you doing out here? It’s freezing!” Shouts Minnie.

“Well then come here and give me cuddles to warm me up,” I tell her.

Emma and I take a kid each. She takes George and lets him entangle his legs in hers, cradling himself into the hook of his mummy’s arm. Minnie uses me like a climbing frame. I bop her on the nose as I’ve done since she was a baby, and I like that it never stops being hilarious to her. The sky starts to dim, trees casting shadows onto the pavement. A house down the road has some festive lights that switch on and flicker on and off in strange syncopated patterns.

“This is nice,” Minnie mumbles. “I miss the awesome foursome.”

“The awesome foursome, huh?” I ask.

“That’s what you used to call us,” I hear the sadness in her voice and my heart aches. I know she feels this all a lot more than her little brother. “I still remember.”

“Do you really have to go again, daddy?” George looks at me with sad puppy dog eyes.

“Yeah, do you?” Minnie asks. “I love having you here.”

“I do, my loves,” I reply sadly. “Be good for mummy, alright? I’ll be back soon, I promise.”

“I don’t like seeing you go,” George mumbles.

The emotion is a little unbearable and I see a tear trail down my wife’s cheek. George looks petrified seeing his mum cry.

“Don’t be sad, mummy.”

“I’m not sad,” she shakes her head, quickly wiping the tear off her cheek. “I’m just sorry daddy and I couldn’t make it work.”

“Did we do something wrong?” George asks, looking at his mum and then me.

“Oh, mate,” I reach out to cup his face, Emma pulls him into a hug. “Of course not. You didn’t do anything wrong. You two are perfect, you hear me?”

“Do you still love each other?” Minnie asks.

Emma looks at me in the eye as she answers our daughter. “I’ll always love your dad, because he gave me both of you.”

“And I’ll always love your mum,” I say, my eyes pinned on my wife. “No matter what.”

Emma

“So… tell me, he a good lay? He looks the sort to have some girth.”

I probably should have warned you beforehand about this sister of mine.

Lucy is my entertainer sister who has done every job going alongside studying. She went to dance school, spent six months on a cruise ship, has been an extra and once did a two-month stint in Les Misérables. On weekends she dresses up as Disney characters and does kids’ parties which means she owns a lot of wigs and always has glitter in her bra. She’s the fun one. I keep her close because as much as I love my other siblings, this one has been a good entertainment through my separation. Mum suggested for her to live with me for a couple of weeks when I first moved back to the Peak, and I’m so glad she did. It was around the time I lost a stone and would spend most of the time napping, crying and staring at the wall, surviving on cups of tea and Rich Tea fingers. She couldn’t cook or clean and she used all my shampoo but she brought some light into the house when grey clouds threatened to consume it. She was also a great distraction because I could live vicariously through her tales of going to gigs and clubs and hear how she’s not slept and got her boobs out for reasons of fun and frivolity.

However, when you talk to her, she always goes there. She’s brash and has no conversational limit. She thinks her purpose is to not only feed me but also revive a pretty dead sex life too. Actually, it’s not just her. After my husband and I split, my sisters think it’s their job to pique my interest in men again. Luke happened after a boozy Chinese takeaway about two months ago when I joked that a spring roll was the most phallic thing I’d had in my mouth for over half a year. I remember a dumpling rolled out of Meg’s mouth in shock, so Suze decided to play the matchmaker and introduced me to Luke who worked at the same hospital with her.

Tonight, we’re having another takeaway night since my parents have all the grandchildren for the weekend. Bless them for entertaining that crew of children we seem to have acquired over the past nine years. We have seven between Suze, myself and Meg, and I just hope that my parents are well stocked with wine. They will need it.

We all sit around my dining room table with the remnants of a KFC bargain bucket, a selection of Thai food, a giant bag of chips and some battered sausages. I’d admit that we were already a little drunk to buy food sanely. Luke is also here, I thought it’d be nice to give my sisters the chance to get to know him. And it doesn’t take Lucy more than thirty seconds after Luke gets up to take a phone call before asking such questions.

“I don’t know? I haven’t slept with him yet.”

Lucy looks at me in confusion. “But you’ve been on dates and stuff?”

“We did have a cheeky snog last week but we’re taking it slow.”

“What are you waiting for? Just go shag him. Erase the memory of that wanker?”

“Hey, he’s your niece and nephew’s father,” I chastise her for calling Harry names. “Don’t call him that.”

“Why don’t you want to sleep with Luke?” Meg, my other sister asks me. “Lucy is right though. He’s really tall, I bet he’s VWE.”

“What’s that?” I ask.

“Very well-endowed.”

I chuckle. “Honestly, I wouldn’t know what to do with it.”

Meg giggles and places her head on my shoulder.

“Last time I had sex was on Valentine’s Day, girls. Do your maths. The next day, my marriage collapsed.”

Both of them huddle into me like penguins.

“Which is why you just need to get over yourself,” Lucy remarks. “You need to remember what sex is like. It’ll be fun and make you feel good. If you don’t want to do it with Luke, you can have some taster session? I’ve got a uni mate who’d shag you.”

“Lovely. No.”

Lucy huffs. “You’re so boring.”

“Honestly, Em, Luke is fit. Seems like a nice fella, and he genuinely likes you. I’d have a go on him if I weren’t married. You should just do it,” says Meg.

“Yeah, you could shag him tonight,” Lucy adds. “Meg and I can piss off out and then…”

Then she does a strange rave-style dance as she thinks of her plan coming together. Luke returns from his phone call and Lucy jiggles in her seat. Don’t you bloody dare.

“Luke, we need more wine,” says Lucy. “There is not enough and we thought you could walk down to the shop and get some?”

Meg and I look at each other for a second, wondering what our sister is up to.

“Sure, yeah, I could get wine,” Luke replies. “Any other requests?”

If she tells him to get condoms in then I will skewer her with a chopstick.

“Anything you might fancy or need?”

She’s walking an incredibly thin, thin line.

Luke gets up to retrieve his coat and grazes my hand as he does. This move doesn’t go unnoticed by Meg and she gives me a sly wink. I hand him my keys and he heads for the front door. Meg stares Lucy out.

“Seriously?” She says.

“We need to prepare you if you’re going to sleep with him.”

“Like mentally?” I ask.

“Like have you had a tidy? This will be your first time. You’ll need to at least tidy up the flaps and do a bit of topiary.”

“LUCY!” I gasp and laugh at the same time, holding my hand to my face. Who is this woman? How can you raise five children in the same house and come up with such a random entity?

She stands up and heads for my kitchen drawers, rifling around until she pulls out a pair of scissors.

“Show me your bush,” she orders.

“Lucy! I prepare food with those scissors.”

“And we’ll wash them?”

Meg is in hysterics as she sees this scene unfolding in front of us.

“I’m not getting my bush out in my kitchen.”

“You’re so dull,” Lucy complains. “I’m trying to help here. What are your pits like? Shame there’s no time to tackle your upper lip.”

I put my hand over it instinctively. “I’ve got a moustache?”

“Well, you’re not Tom Selleck but it could do with a bleach.”

“You’re being cruel now, Luce,” Meg giggles. “But I think we do need the comedy of seeing Lucy trimming your bush in the kitchen.”

I stand up reluctantly and unbutton my jeans.

“Ha!” Exclaims Lucy. “You’re wearing nice knickers, you knew this was going to happen. Just peel them back a little and let me have a look.”

“Be quick for fuck’s sake. This is something that no one needs to see.”

“Do you want a shape?”

“What?”

“Yeah, like a heart? It’d be cute.”

“No!”

Meg roars with laughter.

“I’ll just trim the length then,” says Lucy. “Meg, put your hand out.”

“Do I have to?”

“Don’t you love your sister enough to at least hold her pubes?”

I’m not even sure what’s happening here. One sister is very close to my private regions with a sharp object and I hear the creak of metal as she shears away. The other collects the trimmings in a napkin in her palm. This feels like an opportune moment to ring Suze, our other sister, and start a FaceTime chat. That time we all took one for the team so Emma could reclaim her sex life.

“Thanks, Luce.”

“You don’t say this enough I feel.”

“We really don’t,” says Meg.

“Want me to look at yours, Meg?”

“I’m good.”

“What if he’s into weird stuff?” I ask.

“Like?”

“I don’t know… maybe like choking? Stuff like that.”

“Well, no one breaks out all the moves on their first time,” says Meg but Lucy gives us a look like she begs to differ.

“And I’m not on anything. I stopped the pills months ago. What if I get pregnant?”

“That’s what condoms are for?”

They both give me a look that says I am not fourteen and that I should have an inkling about how reproduction works and the preventative measures that I can put in place to stop myself from getting pregnant.

“How do I initiate it?”

“Maybe you could dance for him?” says Luce mockingly. “You’ve both had a drink, let it just happen. Planned sex is the worst kind of sex.”

“I planned nothing. You’re the one who’s got the kitchen scissors.”

“I’m done, anyway. Not my finest work but then at least he’ll be able to find it?”

Meg laughs again as she goes to the bin with her napkin of pubes. I do my jeans up and sit at the table, downing what’s left in my glass. What if he can’t get it up? Or worse, what if he doesn’t like my boobs? I have modest boobs. They wouldn’t win any competitions. What if he wants better boobs?

“You’re overthinking,” says Meg.

“I haven’t got any condoms.”

Lucy reaches inside her handbag, pulls out two packets of johnnies and hands them to me. How far ahead has she planned this?

“Any other excuse?” Lucy asks.

“Look, tonight, just get naked with the fella, have some bloody fun. Enjoy yourself.”

I hear the key go in the latch of the front door. That was quick. Crap. Luke enters the kitchen with two bottles of red that I immediately feel guilty about as I’ve got a rack of it in the utility room. He also carries a few packs of crisps and takes the kitchen scissors that were on my table.

“No!” I stop him. “Those need to be washed.”

He looks at me in confusion and I love that he puts them in the sink without any further questions asked. He rips opens the packet of crisps with his hands instead.

“Crisps?”

Lucy grabs a handful of crisps before she grabs her phone, pretending to read some texts. “Bollocks! Meg, we forgot about the party.”

Meg quickly plays along. “Oh yeah, crap. It’s that birthday party, innit?”

I feel awful. I’m sending the sisters back out into the cold so Luke and I can have the house to ourselves. They both keep winking at me which is more down to the fact that they’ve had at least a bottle of wine each for themselves tonight. Luke stands at the kitchen door while I wave everyone off. This feels weird.

“Have fun, kids!” Chants Lucy as she shepherds Meg away from the house. I shut the door.

And then there were two. I turn around and Luke is no longer at the doorway. I tiptoe into the kitchen to find him stacking plates.

“Shall we tidy up now?” He asks.

“It can wait.”

My phone on the table lights up with an incoming text. It’s Lucy. Don’t forget to adjust your tits. Make sure they’re facing forwards. Show a bit of bra.

Does this mean my boobs are not always facing forward? Where are they looking? This isn’t helping at all. I ignore it.

“Alright,” Luke says with a smile that makes me feel relaxed but also on the faint side of nauseated. It’s probably first time nerves. Is it weird that I’m thinking about the cleanliness of my bedroom? Did I pick up yesterday’s bra from the corner of my room? Do I remember how to go down on a man? What if he doesn’t fancy me?

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder whether my marriage ended with Harry because I was terrible in bed. Maybe I wasn’t attractive enough. I’ve had kids, parts of me are stretched and doughy. Maybe I didn’t provide what he needed.

In the last year of our marriage, I think it’s safe to say that I was mainly the one to initiate things between us and my success rate wasn’t 100%. There’s this nagging thought in my head that maybe even on those nights I succeeded, those were just pity shags.

You know what, sod it.

I grab him by the collar and kiss him. He stumbles a little but then lets his body fold into mine. I can do this. Crap. He’s lifting me up. He sits me on the counter and I’d like to say the moment overtakes but there’s red wine inches from my arse so I move the glass with my hand whilst still kissing him. We’re kissing. This is weird. It’s different. It’s not my husband’s lips. Why am I thinking about my husband’s lips?

I shake my head, banishing that image. Harry doesn’t belong in this room with me right now.

I feel his hands in the small of my back and then he lifts my jumper over my head. I’m in my bra. Don’t overthink it. Oh, the bra is off. My nipples are out in the kitchen. I run my fingers through his hair as he trails kisses down my neck. Is it weird that right now, at this very moment, all I can think about is that his blond, floppy hair looks like a golden retriever?

I gasp and push him away involuntarily when his mouth wraps on my nipple. This is wrong. This feels wrong. I thought it was just first time jitters but now I think this is deeper than that.

“Are you alright?” He asks, looking concerned.

I grab my jumper and quickly put it back on. “I… I’m sorry, Luke. I can’t. I have to go.”

“Emma, I’m sorry,” his face reads panic. “Did I read the signals wrong? I thought you wanted this. I feel terrible. I’m so sorry.”

“No, please don’t apologise,” I say hastily. “You didn’t. I did want this. Or so I thought. It’s just… I’m not ready. I don’t think I’ll be ready any time soon. Or ever.”

“What do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?”

I have to be straight with him. I take a deep breath. “I want to give you the opportunity to walk away. You’re a good guy, Luke. I just don’t think it’s fair for me to string you along if we can never progress.”

“Is it your ex-husband?”

He’s still my husband. But I don’t say this out loud.

“He told me that he wanted to give our marriage another shot about two weeks ago when he was here,” I tell him. “I did say no right away. I didn’t think it was a good idea. But…”

“Is it really?” He asks. “You two have a lot of history. Two kids. Why wouldn’t you give him a chance?”

“I’m worried.”

“And what are you worried about?”

“My heart?” I say quietly. “I don’t want to go through that again.”

Luke smiles at me through sympathetic eyes. “Listen to me, Emma. I’m not a cardiologist, but I know that the hearts are the strongest organs in the human body. They can go through anything.”

What happens next feels like a blur. All I know is that by midnight, I’m already halfway down the M1, on my way to London.

Harry

It was a knock on the door that woke me up.

When I first open my eyes, I’m disoriented. I don’t know what time it is, or how long I’ve been asleep. Then I realise I’m on the sofa, and it’s still dark outside. It’s also raining. I walk towards the door and open it, just in time to catch a figure going down the steps, which doesn’t take me more than a second to recognise. I am in complete shock. Is this real? Is that really my wife, standing in front of my door in the middle of the night? Or are my eyes deceiving me?

“Emma?”

She stops on the pavement and slowly turns to face me. She’s spooked through—her jeans moulded to the curves of her legs, the sleeves of her jumper dripping, her hair flat, lips slightly tinged with blue.

“I don’t know why I’m here,” she says. “Don’t know what I was thinking.”

I open the door wider, and my voice is drowsy and deep when I say, “Come on, let’s talk inside.”

She takes a step back instead.

“I just… I wasn’t thinking. I’m here. I don’t know why,” she sounds genuinely bewildered—even a little panicked.

“Are the kids in the car?” I ask her and she shakes her head. The wind blows, spraying ice-cold drops across my bare skin where my shirt hangs open. “You’re shivering, honey, come inside.”

She stares at me, so many emotions swirling in her expression. She’s like a skittish kitten who can’t decide if she should let the stranger pat her head or haul up the nearest tree. It breaks my heart.

“I don’t think I can.”

So I go to her.

The rain is cold and hard, soaking my shirt. Her eyes dart from the pavement, to my chest, up to my eyes and back again, like she’s ready to bolt—but her feet stay glued.

I lean in so she can hear me through the rain. “Do you remember the first time we went to Paris together? When we were young and crazy enough to only rent one electric scooter for both of us, and we rode around the city at night?”

The corners of her mouth tug up a little. “I remember.”

“But then I was going way too fast and we hit a rock, and both of us went flying. I didn’t want to ride anymore the next day, because I was afraid you’d get hurt. Do you remember what you told me?”

“I said…” she begins, her eyes meet mine. “I said we had to keep riding. Because it’s the only thing that made falling worth it.”

I nod tenderly and hold out my hand. “I’m not going to let us fall this time, Emma.”

Her eyes are back on the pavement. “I’m not sure-”

I know she still doesn’t trust me. I know that sadness on her face and how it penetrates so deeply. I know she’s probably better off without me, the bastard who crushed her heart and soul and took her for granted for years.

We shy away from the things that hurt us. But that’s what scars are for. They protect the wounds. They cover them with thick, numb tissue so we’ll never have to feel that same pain again. The scars that my wife has inside? They’re tough.

I beg when she continues to stare at my hand, “Please, just come inside.”

Slowly, tentatively, her hand slides into mine.

And we go in out of the rain.

I take her upstairs to the bedroom that used to be ours. Her teeth chatter as she sits on the edge of the bed. I throw a blanket over her shoulders, rubbing her arms, sliding down to cup her hands.

“Shit, you’re freezing. How long were you out there?”

“A while. I was walking… thinking.”

“Just some friendly advice. Next time you go a-wandering, stop and buy an umbrella.”

Emma shivers as she laughs. I pull the blanket closer around her and rub her back.

“So… you gonna tell me what’s this midnight adventure about?”

Her voice comes out soft and wavering in the dark room. “I was with Luke.”

“Did he do something to you? I’ve watched enough crime documentaries to pull a perfect murder.”

She shakes her head and chuckles. “We were having a takeaway night. Meg and Lucy were there too, but then they left and there were just the two of us and-”

“Please spare me the details,” I beg.

“Nothing happened. I just… I couldn’t get through it. Your face kept popping out in my head and I knew that if I went all the way through, we’d lose our chance. And I didn’t want us to lose our chance. I know this is completely the opposite of what I said to you two weeks ago but it’s true. I wasn’t ready then and maybe I’m still not ready now, but I don’t know about the future and you said you’d wait for me and…”

Her words trail off and my chest clenches with that sublime mix of excitement and trepidation. Of wanting something so much it’s like every cell in your body is stretching, reaching for it, yet there’s a grey shadow of worry that you might never get to touch it.

“Oh, Ems…”

I cup my hands around hers and blow into them. Another shiver vibrates through her.

For a moment we sit there in silence. Memories of us in this bed come flooding back. Of the kids piling in here bright and early, and us having cuddles and catch ups over the week just gone. Of the two of us and that sacred half an hour we had together before we go to sleep. Where we could have a proper chat without little voices interrupting us every few seconds. Sometimes we’d read together too, and other times when we just couldn’t be arsed, we’d simply spend that half an hour scrolling through memes and having a laugh together.

“You’ve got to get out of these wet clothes,” I say gently, with absolutely no teasing suggestion. We’re right on the precipice. I can feel it. And I have to tread so carefully, because one wrong move could send her away, truly lost to me.

I peel my soaked shirt off and let it drop to the floor. Her eyes move, trailing over my shoulders. I stand and slowly unbutton my jeans, leaving me in black boxer briefs.

Her eyes follow my every move, looking at me.

I push the blanket off her shoulders and let it drop to the floor. I grasp her jumper at the bottom and lift slowly. I wait for her to push me away but she doesn’t. She raises her arms instead. I pull the jumper over her head and it lands with a plop on the floor. I remind myself not to enjoy the view. I’m trying hard not to look.

My chest rises and falls as rapidly as hers. I sink to my knees in front of her and reach out for the button of her jeans. She lifts her hips and my fingertips graze her skin as I slide them down her thighs, leaving the white lace knickers in place.

“Get under the sheets,” I whisper and she does just that.

She scoots to her side of the bed, and I slide beside her. Without a word, she snuggles into my side. The cool feel of her flesh is a shock at first, but in just a few moments, my heat chases away her chill. Except for her feet. I practically jump when she runs one up my calf.

“Yer a bloody ice cube!”

She laughs kind of evilly.

We face each other, almost nose to nose. Her hair still drips at the ends and a drop trickles over her collarbone, down her chest, and I’ve got to take a deep breath—because I want to lick it off her so badly.

“Talk to me,” she says softly.

“I’m taking time off work.”

“But you never take time off work?”

“I’ve got a lot to make up to the kids,” I tell her. “So I told Jeff to bugger off for at least until after New Year.”

I see her smile in the dim light.

“I’m gonna stay up with my mum,” I add. “I’ll only be an hour away from you lot.”

This is something that I’ve been mulling about. If I really do want a chance with Emma, I need to move up there because absence does not make the heart grow fonder. That may be true in secondary school when you went away for the summer. But in marriage, especially in a broken marriage, absence separates people. It creates distance. That’s the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve. You want the closeness back.

My wife’s palm runs over my bicep—tentatively at first—then with a surer touch. “They’d love that.”

“Also, you remember my old mate Stu?” She nods. “We got in touch just earlier today. He’s got a litter of puppies and he offered one for us. I told him I need to talk to you first. So what do you think?”

“A puppy, huh?”

“A puppy.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” she says. “But I’ve never had a dog though.”

“I can train it first at my mum’s?” I offer. “I’ll get it all settled. Then when it starts sleeping through the night, I’ll bring it over.”

“Does it make me a terrible mum for wishing we had that kind of service when the kids were newborns?”

“We had that service. It’s called sending them to the grandparents.”

We both laugh, and when the laughter dies down, we’re silent for a few minutes. The thrum of my heartbeat jacks up as her hand continues to stroke my arm.

“Harry?” Her voice is the barest whisper, like she’s checking to see if I’m asleep.

“Hmm?”

“I… I’ve missed you. So much.”

And I’m done.

The need to kiss her, to touch her, has been pulling at me like a raging current ever since I saw her on the front step, and with those few words, I let the current take me.

***

Numerous studies have shown that having sex extends the human life span. At this rate, Emma and I are going to live forever. We probably slept twenty minutes max throughout the night and I’ve lost count of the number of times we’ve done it. I’m pretty sure the last time we did something like that was ten years ago on our honeymoon.

We’re sitting at the breakfast nook. Her hair mussy and she’s wearing one of my T-shirts. She looks freshly fucked, which I know to be true, and I reckon she’d be ready to crawl back into bed with me if I just crook my finger. But I don’t do that. Because this, us, sitting here in the morning sunlight, playing footsies under the table while we talk over coffee is all I’ve been dreaming about every morning.

“What are you thinking about?” She asks when she catches me looking.

“You,” I smile. “You look perfect.”

“No, no more,” she shakes her head frantically. “I won’t be able to walk.”

“You dirty lass, I was trying to be romantic and all that,” I can’t help but snort in laughter. “And you always do that… rebuff any type of compliment I try to give you.”

It’s true. If I tell her she looks beautiful, she waves a dismissive hand at me. If I compliment her mind, she blushes. Even an appreciative look from me has her turning shy like a schoolgirl.

When she doesn’t respond to me, I continue to poke at her. “Why is that? Why does it embarrass you when I tell you that you’re smokin’ hot?”

She wrinkles her nose at me. “Because it’s weird. I feel like you just have to say that.”

She pretends to go through one of her old magazines from when she still lived here. I reach across the table and bat at it, causing one side to pull out of her hands and reveal her entire face to me. Now she’s glaring. “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known.”

And I grin when I see red stain her cheeks.

“And you’ve got the most gorgeous body. I take one look at you naked and I can’t help but get rock hard.”

“Stop it,” she blusters, now blushing all the way down her neck.

I change tactics, but I know this will embarrass her just as much. “You are the most amazing woman. Kindest, genuine and grounded. Funniest too. And you’re the best mother for our babies.”

“Okay,” she snaps at me as she closes the magazine and slams it down onto the table. “You’ve made your point.”

Chuckling, I stretch back in my chair and nudge her foot with mine under the table. “You’re adorable.”

She rolls her eyes, which I find to be beyond adorable.

Standing up from my chair, I walk around the table and hold my hand out to her. She willingly takes it and stands when I give her a tug. It’s a natural move for her, to walk straight into my embrace and press herself against me. I tilt my head and kiss her on her jaw. “It’s something you need to get used to… compliments from me. It’s never going to stop.”

She moans softly in my ear.

“Want to know what else you’re going to have to get used to?” I whisper as I kiss my way down her neck.

Her fingers come up, tangle in my hair, and fist tightly. “What’s that?”

“My face between your legs.”

***

Some people might not put Quaglino’s into the romantic restaurant bracket, but they’d be wrong, very wrong. In actual fact, it’s quite hard to top. The interior has this 1930’s romance charm with candlelit tables, dark-panelled walls and an adjoining room for dancing to the soft tunes of the piano man singing bluesy versions of classic songs.

Tonight, I managed to convince Emma to go out to dinner with me before she goes back to our babies. I insist on driving her since I don’t want her to drive alone at night again, which she initially refused but finally agreed.

We finish our dinner and split a slice of cheesecake for dessert. Probably not my brightest idea since I keep having to readjust myself because seeing her slowly swallow a mouthful of white, creamy concoction is a pure kind of torture. But I try to kick those dirty thoughts out of my mind and focus.

Since last night, we’ve successfully managed to avoid the talk. It feels like we’re in a bubble where everything is perfect and we’re just scared to burst it, but I know this can’t go on. Emma and I need to have a proper chat if we want this to work.

“Penny for your thoughts.”

“You and I need to talk, don’t you think?” I begin.

“You’re right,” she nods. “So…”

“What is this?” I gesture between us. “Are you ready to give us another shot?”

“I think so,” she nods. “But I want us to take it slow.”

“You set the pace,” I assure her. “I want this to work more than I want anything else in my life. So I’ll do whatever you want me to.”

“We’ll see this as a new dalliance,” she adds.

I know this is supposed to be serious so I try hard not to break into laughter. “Okay. I will court you but I won’t ask you to move to an estate in the country. Not right away at least.”

“I’m serious.”

“You sound like Austen.”

She rolls her eyes. “And we can’t tell anyone either.”

“I agree,” I tell her. “And from now on, we talk to each other, alright? I’ll try to make you happy the best way I know how. But if it’s not enough for you, then you need to tell me.”

She nods, but then her graze drops before she asks. “You really do want this right?”

“I told you I want this to work more than anything else in my life.”

“It’s just… when you first told me you wanted to fight for our marriage, I was overwhelmed because it was all so sudden. You told me everything I wanted to hear. Even at that moment, everything in me screamed for us to just fall back into it all the way. But there was also a part of me that thought you were just lonely, and maybe you thought that us getting back together was the answer to it.”

“Not true-”

Emma holds up her hand. “Maybe not true, but it’s my fear. That’s why I kissed Luke that night, because I was desperate. I wanted to push things with him because I knew I’d never love him the way I love you. I knew that if things went to pot, I wouldn’t be half as devastated. But with you? I don’t think I can survive that type of heartbreak again, H. You don’t know how much it killed me to end our marriage. I can’t afford to fall back into something that’s not going to last.”

“Emma,” I reach across the table to take her hand. “I can’t even imagine how hard it was for you. I know for sure it was not a decision you made lightly, nor on a whim. I wish I had fought you on it then… had fought for you then. There was a time when I thought our marriage was over, and I was going to let you go. But I’m not going to do that now. If it takes you weeks, months, hell, Emma… if it takes you years to fully trust my devotion to you, I’m in this for however long it takes.”

Emma nods, biting into her lower lip. I can see her eyes starting to water because every bit of this is overwhelming. She turns her head towards the music floating in from the other room. It’s a Van Morrison cover, Crazy Love.

“Wanna dance?”

The request takes me by surprise since this isn’t like her. But I toss my napkin on the table and move to stand next to her, holding out my hand. The simple delight on her face when her hand slides into mine is everything.

We step out onto the edge of the dance floor. I wrap my arm around her lower back, holding her tight and flush against me. One of her hands rests on my shoulder, playing with the hair at the nape of my neck. The other is clasped in mine just over my heart. We sway, eyes pinned at each other for a few moments.

“Thought you hate dancing?” I smirk.

“Still hate it,” she answers. “I’m just using it as an excuse to be closer to you.”

She sighs, practically sinks into my arms. Emma’s head fits against my chest like she was made to be there. My chin rests against her hair.

“Emma?”

She lifts her head from my chest. “Yeah?”

“You don’t need an excuse.”

She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love…

***

“What the-”

“Oi!” I yell, quickly pulling the duvet over my wife and I. “Heard of knocking?”

“Heard of a bedroom lock?” Lucy challenges.

Last night, we drove up the M1 straight from the restaurant. We took breaks in deserted services with shiny floors and bad lighting where we had coffees and wandered around WHSmith bulk buying sweets even though it’s really not that far. But you can never have too many travel sweets, can you?

And now, here we are, back at the cottage. The kids are still at their grandparents until this afternoon so Emma and I are enjoying the benefit of having the house all to ourselves by having a morning shag. That is until one of her sisters walks in on us. I’m very aware that I’m still inside Emma.

I pull out, roll over to lay down next to my wife, and we both stare at Lucy who is dressed from head to toe like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin.

“Party?” Emma asks her sister. We both try not to giggle as she sashays in to look at herself in the mirror then perches on the bed in her harem pants. Today, she’s gone heavy on the winged eyeliner and shows off a flat midriff. I quite like the pointy silver shoes though.

“No, Tesco,” she says dryly. “Obviously a party.”

“What are you doing here?” I ask her.

Lucy glares at me. “What are you doing here? Besides rearranging my sister’s guts, of course.”

I don’t even flinch. I’ve been married to Emma for ten years, I’m used to this sister of hers.

“I’m trying to win your sister back,” I say earnestly. I know that Emma and I talked about keeping this a secret, but she literally walked on us shagging. There’s no point in denying it. It’s best that she knows my true intention rather than thinking we’re divorced with benefits.

“Eh, about time,” she replies nonchalantly.

“Luce, please keep this to yourself for now,” Emma begs her. “This is still new.”

“I will,” she nods. “Just a friendly reminder, though, Styles. If you hurt my sister again, I won’t even think twice before starting a business selling voodoo dolls of you. Bet I could make a fortune of that.”

In their girl gang, Lucy is the wildcard, the likeliest to carry a shank. I don’t even laugh because she could be serious.

“Duly noted.”

“What are you doing here this early?” Emma asks her sister.

“I wanted to ask if I can borrow that giant tiger in George’s room?”

“Feel free to borrow the rug in the front room as well,” I cackle.

“Ooh yeah,” Emma chirps. “Are you going to find a whole new world?”

“Have you got your Aladdin?”

She pulls a face at our mocking. “My mate who’s supposed to be Aladdin is sick so I asked Jamie to fill in and he agreed because he owed me a big favour. But this lot changed their mind and wanted a genie so now I have to go to Jamie’s and convince him to let me do a full blue body paint on him.”

Emma and I roar with laughter. “Please, please, please, take some piccies.”

***

A month later…

I can only imagine the joy on my children’s faces when they open the door. I’ll be standing there with the pup in hand, but I know I’m practically vibrating with excitement myself. I glance over at the little dog crate that we’d prepared to transport him in. It’s a sweet, nine-week-old Bernese mountain dog. He’s pretty chill, curled into a round ball, but he’s not sleeping. His eyes are open and alert, as if he’s just waiting to find out what’s around the next corner.

The back of my Range Rover is loaded with two boxes of food, dog toys, bowls, a leash, and appropriate treats. Since I’m still crashing at my mum’s, that will go to her place for when the kids and this puppy come to stay. Emma has an identical list at her home, already purchased and hiding until we hand the puppy off to the kids.

I’ve got a feeling that today is going to be a good day. All morning, Emma and I texted back and forth. Some of it was practical, like making sure we agreed on all the dog rules we’d lay down with the kids tonight. Some of it was lighthearted teasing. Some of it was dirty.

I can’t remember the last time I texted my wife throughout the day just for the hell of it. I had fun with it, and I know without a doubt she had fun with it too. Which made me realise what a twat I’d been for never doing something as simple as letting her know she was on my mind in just such a way.

Pulling into the drive, I cut my headlights so the kids wouldn’t see me approach. I shut the engine off, quietly get out of my side, and press the door closed quietly. On the other side, I open the passenger door, then spring the latch on the dog crate, and this tiny little puppy totters straight at me with tail wagging.

I lift him in my arms. I shut the door and then move over to the patch of grass. I put the puppy down so he will go potty before I bring him in. When I was a kid, we had a dog called Max, but I sort of grew up with him so I didn’t remember when he was a puppy. And Emma never had a dog before, so we’re sort of winging it with this puppy training thing. But I don’t fret about it. I mean, we’ve had babies, they’re harder than this, surely?

I patiently wait for this little fella to do his business, which includes a few minutes where he attacks my shoelaces and tugs. Shite, he’s cute.

Eventually, he sniffs around, tail high and then abruptly squats to pee. I thought boy dogs lift their legs when they pee but maybe not at this age. I immediately bend and give him praise with an upbeat, positive tone that makes him excited. Who’s daddy’s clever little fella? You are! Yes, you are! You did well, mate. That was brilliant! He puts his paws up on my shin, accepting my stretches with tail wagging and tongue lolling out the side of his head. My kids are going to fall in love with this little guy.

I scoop him up in my arms when he’s done and make my way inside. But instead of entering from the front door, I circle the house so I can enter from the back, knowing they must be all in the kitchen as this is usually the time when the kids would do their homework for next week. Walking past the window, I see that I’m right. Emma is at the kitchen island with George next to her and Minnie on the opposite side. My heart starts beating faster at the thought of spending the day with my family—and apparently our new third child in my arms—and I find it almost shameful I have such excitement over it. Shouldn’t I have always been this excited? Or is it normal for things to just settle, and we take them for granted?

I shake that thought off of my mind. I had this important talk with my wife a couple of weeks ago about how we shouldn’t focus on the past. We’re both committed to repairing our marriage, and for it to work, we both know we must commit to living in the present. Because at the end of the day, the present is all we have.

I knock on the door and as planned, Emma will tell the kids to answer it.

In moments, it’s swinging open. I get a flash of Emma walking up behind our kids, but my eyes are pinned on them. They’re both in complete shock, eyes wide open staring at the puppy squirming in my arms.

Both stare at me mutely, frozen, as if they can’t believe that this is real.

Finally, I say, “surprise!”

Minnie’s gaze rises up to meet mine. “Is that ours?”

“This is ours,” I nod, laughing. But still, neither of them move forwards, so I goad them. “Come and get him?”

That’s all it takes for Minnie to scoop this little fella into her arms, pressing her nose into his head and murmuring little endearments. George scratches him and he reacts to their greetings by wiggling frantically and trying to lick both of my kids’ faces. They both laugh in a delighted way I’ve never quite heard before.

I look at my wife and see her tender smile as she watches our littles. I can tell she’s as charmed by it as I am.

I walk inside because it’s colder than a witch’s tit outside and shut the door. “He just peed outside, but we need to keep a close eye on him. If he starts sniffing around or circling, that probably means he needs a wee. Scoop him up and take him out to the back. After he’s done with his thing, give him lots of praise and affirmation.”

“Got it,” Minnie says as she plops down on the living room floor with the pup. The puppy jumps around, and all three of them start to play.

“Now, what should we name him?” Emma asks.

“Droolius Caesar?” I joke.

Emma laughs. “Jimmy Chew?”

“Sarah Jessica Barker?” I continue. “Wait, no, it’s a boy. Franz Fur-dinand?”

“Sir Barks-a-Lot?”

“Deputy Dawg?”

“Bark Twain?”

We both laugh. We’re shite at this. The kids are too busy with the puppy to comment on our suggestions.

SpongeBob SquarePants is on the telly playing in the background. None of them are watching, but I see SpongeBob scratching his snail pet under the chin before he picks up said pet and says, “I love you Gary. Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary…”

“Gary,” I say. The kids look at me and I point at the telly.

“That’s a ridiculous name for a dog,” Emma cackles. “But I like it.”

“That’s a human name?” Minnie’s brows knit slightly.

“I like it!” George exclaims, then proceeds to baby talk the pup who’s chewing on the end of Minnie’s braid. “I love you Gary. Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary…”

We laugh.

“H,” Emma calls, and my gaze moves to her. She jerks her chin to the kitchen. “Help me set up the table? I’ve got a cold beer for you.”

Minnie and George still completely ignore us as we move into the kitchen.

It would be natural for me to sit at the kitchen island while Emma gets the beer and checks on the supper, but the kids can see me from where they sit in the living room. So I follow my wife behind the island instead.

Before she can make it two steps, I move right into the back of her. Hands at her hips, I push her all the way forward until the counter catches her hips, then I dip to put my lips to her neck.

Emma’s head falls back and she utters the tiniest of sighs, one arm looping back to go around the side of my head so she can thread her fingers in my hair. It’s an intimate embrace, but not one to provoke lust. Just a message that I missed her even though I saw her two days ago, and I love touching her in this gentle, loving way.

“The kids,” she murmurs. “They might see us.”

“Oh, the tragedy,” I whisper dryly. “Our children seeing their parents hugging.”

Emma snickers and pulls away, glancing over her shoulder. “It would be shocking to them. And until we know for sure what we are and where we’re going, we need to keep them in the dark, remember? I don’t want them to get their hopes up.”

“You’re right,” I mumble in a low voice before moving to the island. I glance back at the living room and see the puppy on George’s back, trying to climb up. “No touching around the kids.”

She smiles and hands me a beer. She’s got one in her hand, and we tap bottles. She then moves to the oven, where she bends to take a peek through the window. Obviously, I stare at her arse as she does.

“It’s done,” she announces, opening the oven to pull the pan of shepherd’s pie.

“Need help with that?’ I ask, noting it looks like it probably weighs fifty pounds.

Twisting, she grins. “Sure. I made a double batch to send you home with some leftovers.”

That gets me. Not only she made one of my favourite meals, but she’s also sending me home with leftovers. I pop off the stool, round the island and take the two potholders she’s holding out to me.

After I carefully lift the pan from the oven, she shuts the oven door. I set it down on the two trivets she’s placed on the counter.

Bending over, I inhale the scent deeply. “Smells fantastic.”

Emma bumps her hip against me. “Well… you’ve been pretty amazing these last few weeks, so…”

I bump her hip back before sliding my hand around her waist. Bending my head, I murmur. “Admit it… it’s for the orgasms I gave you after the school run the other day.”

She chuckles with a sly smile. “Possibly.”

Leaning in closer, I touch my temple on the top of her head, lowering to a complete whisper. “You do know that I can give you that any day you want, right, Em? All you’ve got to do is ask.”

“Oh, I will,” she teases.

“What’s going on here?” Minnie says from behind us.

Emma and I jump apart as if we’d been electrocuted by each other. We spin to see Minnie standing there, with George next to her holding Gary in his arms. These two must have worn that pup out as he is still, watching us curiously.

Minnie’s expression, on the other hand, is condemning and suspicious.

“Nothing’s going on, poppet,” Emma says, her voice a little squeaky in panic. It’s adorable.

“Your mum and I were just talking,” I calmly explain.

“With your arm around her waist and whispering,” Minnie challenges. “Looks more like flirting to me.”

“Are you upset about it?” I challenge back. I knew she was upset when we separated and she struggled with it for a long time.

Her brows knit together. “I’m just confused.”

Emma’s expression indicates she has no clue what to say. I can’t say I’m any more well equipped, but I’m going to take this one. I give my wife a subtle chin tilt, silently telling her I’ll handle this and relief evident in her eyes.

“Come on, you lot. Help me sort Gary’s stuff,” I say, herding them towards the garage.

All three of them follow me into the garage, Gary still cosy in George’s arms.

I immediately spot the stack of supplies, which includes a dog crate similar to mine, as well as bowls, a soft dog bed, food and toys. I pick up the soft bed towards the door that leads back into the house. Minnie turns to precede me, but I stop her. “Hang on there a second, poppet.”

When she pivots to face me her expression is guarded. “You asked about your mum and me. What do you want to know?”

“Were you two flirting with each other just now?” She demands. Crap. She’s nine. She’s not supposed to know that stuff.

I can’t believe I get a little warm in the face at such a question, but I nod. I know it’s probably too soon to tell them but there’s no point in denying this. Both of my children are smart, and they deserve to know what’s going on.

Her eyes narrow. “So are you… what… getting back together?”

“Does it mean you’re gonna live with us again, daddy?” George chirps.

“Not yet, nuggets. It’s not that simple.”

“It kind of is,” she replies. “You left for months. You didn’t even come during the summer. Then once she started dating Luke-”

“What’s dating?” George turns to his sister.

“It’s when you like someone and they like you back and you become boyfriend and girlfriend then you go out to eat together and do other stuff,” Minnie explains, then she continues. “Then once she started dating Luke, you’re suddenly coming around more often. And then she told me that Luke wouldn’t come over anymore and now you two are making googly eyes at each other.”

We lapse into silence for a moment. I need to think carefully about what to say next. George beats me. “I think I’m dating someone.”

“You what?” My eyes widen.

“Yeah. I asked Poppy in the playground to be my girlfriend the other day and she said yes. Then after we were done playing on the slides we got hungry so she shared her raisins with me. I also let her take a sip of my Ribena.”

I try hard not to break into laughter but Minnie doesn’t even crack a smile.

“Okay… so here’s the thing. I was very upset. I know that was wrong of me to just leave without saying goodbye, and it was wrong of me for not visiting sooner. I needed time to let it go, and to accept what your mum wanted. But not once during that time did I not want to come back home. I’ve always wanted my family back.”

“Then what changed?” Minnie asks.

“Your mum and I spent some time apart because we both thought that was the best decision. But we were wrong. Because we realised that we didn’t want to be without each other. So now I’m trying to prove that I’ve changed. That I’m a better man, and I’m ready to be a better husband. The one your mum deserves.”

“See,” Minnie murmurs, her expression filled with confusion. George dips his head and rubs his cheek against Gary’s head, who seems to be on the verge of falling asleep. “I don’t get it. You and mum always seemed to get along great. You never argued. I never understood why you left.”

I move in close to my daughter and brush a lock of hair behind her ear. “A lot of that stuff is private between your mum and I, poppet.”

George asks. “But why can’t you just move in now, daddy?”

“It takes time, mate. Your mum and I need more time to sort ourselves out. But I promise you two that we’re trying our hardest here, okay? We need you both to be patient. Can you do that for us?”

They both nod in unison. Gary blinks twice.

“I can’t wait for us to be family again,” says Minnie.

Grinning, I bend to kiss her head. “Me too, poppet…”

***

Emma

“Gary! This way, Gary!”

Harry and I look at each other across this rather windy hilltop. The kids and Gary are exploring the neighbouring bushes and pathways as we perch ourselves on a rock nearby. We take in the view, the breeze biting at my cheeks.

My husband turns to me. “Tea? I put some whisky in it.”

“Hell, why not.”

Harry pours the tea out and we clink mugs. He brushes his thumb across my nose for no absolute reason. I was born and raised here, but this is something I’ll never tire of: these swooping hills and valleys, infinite skies and bracing breezes. As much as I loved London, I’m glad we’ve traded that life with this simpler one. There is no taxi nor Tube in sight but our kids are somehow a little bouncier and carefree. They’re happy here, and that’s all that matters.

“Ey up,” greets Harry at a group of people walking past us. They are obviously tourists as they have no way to respond and one of them is wearing bog standard Reebok Classics.

We hear the kids squeal in the distance and we both smile at each other. Getting that pup was probably one of our best decisions.

“Do you remember when we first dated?” Asks my husband. “You brought me up here.”

I nod. “I do.”

“The view was decent,” he grins.

“I know you’re not thinking about the view.”

“I was thinking about what happened when we got to the top of the meadow…”

“That was some decent shag,” I chuckle. “Nowadays, I’d worry about getting ticks on my unmentionables.”

We laugh.

I stare over at my husband taking in the view and sipping tea noisily. He always pauses for a moment on any walk to drink it all in. He rustles in his bag and gets a packet of biscuit out, opening the packaging awkwardly and offering it to me.

“Did you know that you’re supposed to call it ‘niece’ and not ‘nice’? Apparently, they’re named after the French town.”

“That’s proper pub quiz trivia knowledge right there, Styles,” I tease.

We stay up here for a little while, but since it’ll get dark soon, we start our walk back to the car. The one thing you forget about taking kids up mountains (small hills) is that for all that experience of green space and fresh air, eventually, you will have to bring them down. Despite having an entire packet of biscuit (with a whole lot of why did you bring this one? This is rubbish. You could’ve brought hobnobs), we failed to remember to pack enough snacks and a fine drizzle is now scratching at our faces. It takes George much persuading to keep walking and by the time we return to the car, the sun is dipping behind the clouds and the twilight sits in the air.

Harry decided it was fine to park in a deserted car park in the middle of nowhere to escape the throngs of regular walkers and tourists but strangely enough, when we get back there, we are one of six parked up.

“Come on, mate. Literally, just to the car. Like twenty more steps,” Harry begs our son to keep on walking.

“You lied!” He complains. “You said that twenty steps ago.”

“I’ve got Haribo in the car.”

He progresses to a light canter.

“Where did all these cars come from?” Harry asks as he approaches our motor cautiously.

“Maybe you’re not the only smart one here and people are following your lead.”

A car flashes us.

I look around at all the cars. People are sat in them. What are they waiting for? You see this sometimes when waiting for the rain to pass or when people decide to eat their lunch in the car.

Suddenly, I hear a car door open and a gentleman approaches us. His footsteps are low.

I know him. It’s Patrick. He’s our postman, so, yes, we have our very own Postman Pat. It was the first thing that tickled Harry when he found out years ago. And even better, the joke is not lost on Pat. His wife even got him a stuffed black and white cat for his cherry-red van window. I smile at recognising him, as do all of the occupants in our car.

“Emma, Harry, kids. Fancy seeing you here, of all places.”

“We’ve got a new dog and we were just taking him for a walk,” I inform him.

“Oh, lovely. What’s his name?”

“Gary,” the kids say in unison.

“Have you got a dog, Pat?” George asks him.

“No, my wife’s a cat lady. But funny you should mention dogs. This place here, people like to come here for that reason.”

“Gary seemed to like it,” pipes in Harry. “I think it’ll be his favourite.”

“That it is. People come here all the time for walking and with their dogs and other such endeavours.” His face looks slightly ashen at this point, his eyes darting towards the other cars. “And the other sense of the word… I just thought I would mention it as you have the littl’uns and it’s getting darker. I think someone just flashed his lights to warn you.”

Harry and I realise what he means exactly at the same time. “OH!” we say at the same gobsmacked volume.

“Dogg…ing…” Harry mumbles. “We should-”

“Leave, like definitely leave, like now,” I say finishing his sentence.

The kids appear confused. I look around and shield my eyes. I should shield the children’s eyes. Pat’s wife waves from the passenger seat.

“Give our regards to June,” I say.

“Will do.”

He salutes us and returns to his car. The kids have all the questions. “People come here to look at dogs?” George asks. “Where are the dogs?”

“Get. In. The. Car.” Harry mouths very deliberately.

I slink into the passenger seat. Our eyes dart in different directions trying to divert focus from any of the cars ahead. We’ll be good if Harry doesn’t drive us off a cliff face. He turns on the wipers, the engine roars to a start and he pulls away slowly.

“We could have stayed and seen the dogs,” says George, a little despondently. “Gary would’ve loved to see his mates. Wouldn’t you, Gary?”

I throw a packet of Haribo at him. Harry and I are silent. We’ve just strolled our children and our very young dog into an outdoor sex hotspot. We are terrible parents.

“Who fancies chips?” Harry says as he changes gear. He finds our littles in the rear-view mirror and studies their faces. “There’s a decent chippy down road.”

There’s a chorus of approval from the back seat. My husband smiles. He then moves his hand over from the gearstick to find mine, fingers interlocked, the sky glowing a thousand different colours.

***

“Are you calling my turkey dry?”

I look over at my older sister Suze in the corner of our family kitchen wondering where on earth she had the courage to come out with a comment like that. Even her husband stops washing up to absorb what his wife just said to our mother. I mean, you think it, but you just douse it in gravy and make do. Such is the joy of white chalky meat like turkey. Why do this now? Now she’ll harp on about the bacon she puts on the breasts and all the goose fat. But it’s Suze. She likes the challenge. I secretly think the only way she believes she can have a relationship with our mother is to spar with her regularly so they at least have one line of communication.

“It was a lovely dinner, Mum. Did you make the mince pies?” Suze winks at me.

I shake my head at her and bring the plate of mince pies through to the living room. Amidst my mother’s wreaths and tinsel wrapped around the lampshades, it’s a familiar tableau: Pop, my grandfather, asleep in the armchair in the corner, a holy green paper hat covering his eyes. Small children crawl on the floor and make angel shapes with their bodies amidst remnants of old glittery wrapping paper. I hope Mum’s made a trifle. My other sister Meg and her husband snooze on a neighbouring sofa, catching on much needed sleep since they just had a baby four months ago and I still remember four months sleep regression is hell. I like this part of Christmas where bits of old crackers litter the floor and twilight takes over.

I take a mince pie and escape to the last vacant spot on the sofa. George rests his head on my knees. “What are you eating, mummy?” I look down at his bright green eyes and wonder how he can still be hungry as he must be ninety per cent roast potato at this point.

“A mince pie.”

“With cow mince?”

“No, like fruity bits,” I pick out said fruity bits and drop them into his mouth like a baby bird. He pulls a face, tasting it, and then walks away.

Harry smiles at me from the bottom of the Christmas tree. He’s laying down on the floor with one of my nieces. He’s always been great with kids, long even before we have our own. My niece has her palm out, and Harry runs circles in it as he sings, “round and round the garden, like a teddy bear…”

She smiles and laughs, poising her fingers, ready to bounce.

“One step, two-step, tickle me under there,” he pretends to collapse into giggles and my niece’s little face broadens into laughter before she rolls over and walks away to play with her cousins.

Finishing my last bite of the tiny pie, I roll under the tree to join my husband. He looks at me as I cosy up next to him, the lights reflect off his eyes.

My mother likes a real tree for Christmas. It’s the smell, you can’t beat the smell. I like to think you can get that real pine smell from a good supermarket brand toilet cleaner but I don’t say that out loud for fear of incurring her festive wrath. And so there’s always a real tree and like we endured when my siblings and I were teens, there’s still a daily rota of vacuuming up the needles as we watch that bastard go crusty and brown as it’s shoved up against the radiator.

We lay there in silence, looking up at the branches and my mother’s multicoloured lights twinkling in some erratic fashion that my eyes can’t quite handle. I’ve been to raves that were less of an assault on the senses. It’s an overwhelming memory of our childhood, lying in silence wigging out on mum’s trippy disco lights, absorbing the magic of the season.

“You’re drunk aren’t you, tipsy-tits?”

“You were the one who poured double shots of Baileys in our coffees this morning,” I cackle.

“That’s called Christmas milk.”

“What are you doing here?” Minnie asks, her head nestling into my shoulder. I rake pine needles from her head.

“Nothing…” Harry replies. “Where’s yer brother?”

“Here,” George suddenly appears, rolling under the tree next to his dad to join us.

“Looks like the awesome foursome is back, huh?” Harry grins.

Minnie and George hum in agreement. I can see my babies smiling.

It’s time.

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

I take a deep breath. “Will you come back home with us?”

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