#we just like neuro- more right now i don't know why

[nexus-nebulae]

we figured out recently that the reason we don't really want to put any -genic labels on us is because to us they function exactly like how agab labels do now. they're pretty much useless because all it tells you is a snapshot of your early days, and doesn't necessarily tell you who you are or how you function now

#saying im traumagenic feels like saying im afab. like yea it might be TRUE but i dont wanna IDENTIFY by it #and also my past is too fucking complex and hard to remember to put a direct label on exactly what caused it #i think it was a lot of factors not just trauma so i don't think I'm FULLY traumagenic either #but like the way people talk about traumagenic vs endogenic systems feels like they're describing completely different things sometimes #and previously the way i functioned might have looked more traumagenic or endogenic to an outsider #but it changes over time like. our system has been around for YEARS of course its function changes #so we don't wanna use genic labels because it doesn't fit with The Now #i think the suffix for what labels we'd prefer would be -based??? i think??? #yeah im pretty sure its -based #i think now we'd probably identify as neurobased then #we just like neuro- more right now i don't know why

[vtforpedro]

long life update - TWs in tags

It feels like it's been ages. I'm so exhausted and in a lot of physical pain. Going on two months of it being the worst it's been right after a couple of months of the best it's been. Chronic pain + grief + trying to get help from doctors who should have their licenses revoked + dealing with a shit relationship with my mom + a good, decades-long friendship ending + the ongoing disability process with the SSA + LAW FIRMS.

I'm so fucking tired. I don't remember if I updated that the appeals council decided not to review my case because the 'judge followed the law' except that he didn't. So, as it turns out, my original attorney (and he did not tell me this) before he left, wrote that if they denied me, it should go to federal district court.

I'm now working with a NY law firm to take my case to federal court because my current law firm believes it has merit, and I guess they do, too. That's how fucked the decision was, and I'm glad my initial reaction of bewilderment and anger was spot on lol

The good news is, it should only take another year! ._.

My neurologist is the worst doctor I have ever come across and I'm quite literally stuck with him with nowhere else to go. I wish him upon no one. I'm so tired of calling the SSA, getting documents to them, signing things for law firms, contacting law firms, getting no responses, and contacting them all over and over again. I am in incredible physical pain, like this actively makes my neuro stuff worse. Everything makes it worse. I have autonomic testing in a few days, and idk if I'll get through it b/c I have to stop the meds that keep me out of the ER two days prior, and it scares me.

My relationship with my mom is fractured and I don't feel like family therapy is actually helping. I had to end a friendship with someone I love and care very much about but who was growing too comfortable mistreating me and I was giving them too many passes 😞 I've known them for the better part of two decades.

It's been over seven months since my cat Isis died. I don't know how. It feels like she was here just yesterday. Yet, all the nights I've sat and talked to her and wept are all too real. I miss her more than I can say. She was my soul cat. I keep thinking about tomorrow and how she'd be so nosy getting into EVERYthing when gifts are opened at Christmas. Having to stop her, move her, laugh because she was just so n o s y and it was hilarious. And she's not gonna be here for that ever again.

I'm having a really fucking hard time tonight. It's just hitting me how god-awful this year has been and how I have a bad week to look forward to before even getting to the new year lmao I have to stop taking so many of my medications 48hrs before 1.5-2hrs of testing to see if we can find out Yet Another Thing Wrong With Me but knowing my luck it'll be 'no findings' and the mystery of why my core body temp plummets to 93.9 in the blink of an eye won't be solved until I have suffered juuuuust enough.

It never ends. Never. I want to give up. I'm so tired of doing this. I don't want to anymore. It never. fucking. ends.

I absolutely cannot say it's all been bad, though. I've met incredible, warm, welcoming, giving, kind people this year. Y'all have helped me more than you know and I'm so so so lucky to be able to call you my friends. This year has sucked for so many of us, but I want to say I'm proud of you, and I love you all very much.

My fic is gonna be printed in a hardcover zine early next year. I participated in a Big Bang for the first time and that'll also go out early next year. I'm hosting a tiny event in my tiny fandom server that I'm super excited about. I have a raffle prize to write (bagginshield !!!! SO EXCITED to revisit the og otp) and a Valentine's gift to write for another fandom.

I posted 401,000 words this year and wrote many more unfinished wips, plus a long one (90k) that I am very invested in finishing.

I painted and drew so much this year. I improved a lot, too! I got a couple of portraits printed from inprnt to see how they looked, and it was MY art, and they were GORGEOUS. I thought I would hate seeing my art professionally printed, but no! I almost cried. They looked so lovely.

My cat Lilly had health issues almost immediately following Isis's passing, but she is doing so well right now. She's blossomed into another cat, and while she's not my constant companion, she is with me so much more than she used to be. When she walks onto my desk I am to stop everything and hold her like baby in my arms until she decides that's enough (or I really need to move) lmaaao she's such a goober. My heart cat. <3

I'm not doing well right now--my MH is bad. Especially tonight. But it felt good to write the good things.

I'm sorry for my lack of replies and kinda disappearing. I'm running on fumes. I hope next year will bring physical relief so emotional relief can happen.

For those of you facing difficulties of any kind, I am holding your hand in spirit.

#vtforpedro personal #vtforpedro medical #tw mental illness #tw medical #tw depressing stuff #tw pet loss #I always wish I have something better to write #gonna try to do everything in my power to make that happen next year

[nightswithkookmin]

GADDAMN JUST LEAVE ME ALONE SUSAN

Whether I'm neuro divergent or neurotic is really none of your business. But feel free and diagnose me.

Do I have an irrational fear that someday the Fandom will be overran by one member's solo stans and hooligans- YES.

But there's more to this than fear I assure you. I'm not one to be driven by fear. if I did I wouldn't be blogging about B. T. S for God's sakes!

And yes. I'm aware not all OT7 follow the members equally. There are Tae stans who follow all but Jimin. Jimin stans who follow just Jimin and Jungkook and some stans who don't follow any of them at all because they are on their personal accounts.

I took that into consideration too so power down.

And please I am not favoring Jikook because I ship them. I literally did the math there. If you assume that every member has a few bot accounts that reduces the gap between Jimin and Jungkook to almost zero!

While the gap remains significant compared to others.

The less gap between members, the more a sign that they have mutual followers. Did you fail in math?

The gap between JM and Namjoon is significant but not quite if indexed as a percentage of the total follower gap ratio between the members.

And yes. There's strength in numbers and I'd be a fool not to acknowledge how much leverage, social proof and power comes with a higher fanbase or following even on IG.

And yes I recognize IG is not the main or only proof of following for the Artists which is why I specifically said I was referencing IG or exclusively mentioned their accounts on IG.

Having such high numbers come with perks.

Tae stans were able to single handedly stall Hybe from trademarking borahae because Tae was the inventor of that.

That's power right there!

Imagine what else they can do if they put their minds to it!

PJMs couldn't even get Hybe to apologize to Jimin for not telling him about the whole Marvel Eternals Friends gig. Let me not mention the flight thing too. Or the voice training. Or the constant anxiety out of fear he could get fired from his job at anytime

And that was not from lack of trying.

So forgive me if I feel the need to 'compete' for those numbers- how else will I get Hybe to NOT TREAT JIMIN LIKE SHIT???

I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO BULLY HYBE SOMEDAY TOO YOU KNOW?🥺

TAE STANS ARE SO BADDASS😭😭😭😭😭

They bullied us all and got JM STANS to hate eachother. I know a lot of PJMs and Jikook stans that's fled the Fandom from bullying while tuktukkers stick together and regenerate like roaches as they eventually go solo cos no one hates Jungkook more than a scorned ex Tuktukker🥲

Jokers hate each other more than tuktukkers and are always pandering to them- well this is the results. Hope yall are happy now pick mes😊

Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

This is also not to say JM is entirely at the mercy of the company either. Or that he or any of the members are tanking. There's more nuance to it.

And no. This is not a comparison of who has a bigger social dick, this is a comparison of who has a bigger nuclear weapon for the WAR THAT'S COMING.

BTS are powerful as a group. Let me not remind you Hybe butt shook once when they thought BTS was finna sue them!

"After reading the reports, we proceeded to confirm with the BTS members and their parents. It was revealed that the parents visited a law firm located in Kangbuk two months ago to ask about some issues regarding the exclusive contract (video content business related information). Their visit did not proceed any further, and the law firm also did not formally give them legal advice."

Not only can BTS sue Hybe. Hybe cam sue BTS TOO!

And hybe is equally growing larger and more powerful and pushing resources into other artists who can equally rise to fame and power and compete. So don't make this an Army on Army crime thing.

I only made those comparisons because I noticed the Fandom is growing alot when I was on YT and so I went to see their accounts on IG to see if same was reflected. It reflects for Tae and not necessarily the others. Allow every member is growing gradually too.

BTS official account has 68M followers accumulated from years ago. If it's that deep you can simply compare each members following to this number and index it as percentages to give you a clearer picture.

They've crossed so many milestones that took others a decade to accomplish and they are doing all this in under a year. We need to be sucking their dicks not bash them.

Just saying, it's nice to have ammunition in your purse when you go out.

And frankly it's my page and I can do whatever I want

Someone said JM has the most engagement.

I don't know how engagement is measured when we can only like their posts. And most of these trackers compare Like, comment ratios. I've seen others try to use this to invalidate those results. But JM is brand reputation king for a reason and I don't know how people keep underestimating him for this.

If you could see the amount of shares and saves on his posts you'd marvel. High engagement for him could mean he gets the most shared posts, most saved posts, most shared to stories, shared to apps other than stories or IG and ofcourse- the most likes to follower ratio.

If I have 50 followers and all of them tend to like my posts at any given time that's a 100% engagement ratio.

If 45 people out of my 50 followers like my posts that's a 90% engagement ratio. If 35 people like my posts there will be a drop in my engagement ratio as well.

Thus, the more followers a person has the lower their engagement ratios tend to be. 47% engagement for JM will look somewhere around 30% engagement for someone with followers higher than his follower count- even though the same number of people could be engaging with them equally.

This is not a pissing contest.

They are all doing great.

But yea, I'm looking at the 68m 0T7 and where they all went. I expect each member to have this for base followers at least and not the gaps I'm seeing 😣

[randomfrog2]

As a passionate fan of space operas I NEEDED to do this. So yea. Space opera AU with twisted boiz.

Part 1

Heartslabyul

Space police, basically.

Their main office is located on space station that's called "Garden of Roses" and looks pretty much like a big white rose with red spots. One could say this station is so big that it's more of a maze than a space station.

Riddle Rosehearts.

The youngest lieutenant in the history of Komissarium (name of space police).

Very strict with schedule, and follows charter every day, every second.

"Newbies, I expect you all to follow regulations or else," on LITERALLY every briefing.

He has his gun for a reason. But he's strong even without the gun. One time Ace challenged him, thinking that Riddle as weak as he seems to be. Ace was almost broken in half so he has never ever said anything about Riddle's strength after.

He can seems cold sometimes, but he really cherishes his co-workers, not only that, he remembers their birthdays and favourite presents.

He has little neuro pad for that.

Actually, he has neuro pad for every occasion in his life.

"Didn't know? Cabinet of lieutenant Rosehearts is known as cleanest place in Universe. If I was you, I would just leave these papers near his door. I don't want even imagine what he'll do if you leave those in a wrong folder."

Ace Trappola.

He became part of Komissarium not so long ago, but he showed some skills in one case, where he was working as partners with Deuce Spade.

He can be dum-dum sometimes, but he's sharp when he's on a crime scene.

And he's pretty strong.

...but uses his strength for winning in arm wrestling against his colleagues (he has collection of food talons, I tell you what)

As it was said he lost to Riddle once. So now he has some pretty strong motivation to go the gym.

"What do you mean we can't cooperate with criminals? Talking about wasted potential..." he said and after that he had a long conversation with Trey about things you can say in office.

Local menace to society.

Deuce Spade.

He's also a newbie with some potential.

... especially in chasing.

Although Riddle forbid him and Ace to do so, they participated in local racing around small planets.

By the way their number was 69 and Ace couldn't stop laughing.

They also almost hit satellite of a planet.

He has pretty low scores on exams, but his pilot exams scores always 90 or higher.

Ace is being salty about that so Deuce brags even more about it.

"That's just about that feeling to fly in space that I can't get enough of. One day I'll be a captain on one, just you wait!"

Trey Clover.

Not the oldest, but everyone joke about his age anyway.

You forgot to do your papers for Riddle? He got you. You have worked all night and run out of coffee? He got you.

He got you in any way.

He helped Ace and Deuce in their first case although he tried his best to not interfere.

Trey is known for his diplomatic skills, so he more often escorts important political parties on planets and space stations rather than seeking for offenders.

And, of course, he's often in the office together with Cater.

Some might say those two have a romance, but nether of them have ever accepted that.

"I haven't seen my family in a long time. They're on Earth currently. Maybe I should take Cater with me the next time I visit them. Why? No reason at all. That's what friends do, right?"

Cater Diamond.

Works in office and knows EVERY rumor there.

This guy has somewhat magical skills in knowing how Riddle would like to see papers being sorted, so everyone ask him for advice.

He is a pretty good navigator.

Also, he knows a lot of people on planets and systems that out of reach of most investigators' connections.

And even Riddle can take him on a case so Cater can help with witnesses.

Drinks a lot of coffee in their buffet, but only Trey and Ace know that coffee that he drinks is extremely BITTER.

Ace knows that because his cheeky ass decided to try Cater's coffee without permission one time.

"Look, I reeeealllyyy would like to do that work but tonight I'm going home early. They have opened new club on 50th floor so I want to go there. Thanks for filling those papers tho! You're da best"

Komissarium has around 52 spaceships. Riddle's favourite one is Queen of Hearts. It looks like big sharp black heart with four powerful interstellar engines that look a lot like white roses with red spots. Also this ship is the only one that has anti-field that can turn off enemy's engines completely for a long period of time. Employees of Komissarium joke that this ship can have the head of other ship.

The one that was used by Ace and Deuce in race is called Five of Hearts.

Five of Hearts looks like a big white card with popping out belly. Belly has a form of sharp heart, one side of which is dark blue and the other one is red. Ship has five interstellar engines, but they are way weaker than the ones that Queen of Hearts has.

"This ship can't lose! Its name is so close to legendary 'Queen of Hearts'. And I believe five is a good number. So I'm sure we're betting on right horse here." (by Ace, before the race)

"C'mon now, dear, we need some more speed to win. We have our limits doubled here!" (by Deuce)

#twst deuce #twst #twisted wonderland #twst ace #ace trappola #deuce spade #riddle rosehearts #twst riddle #trey clover #twst trey #cater diamond #twst cater #space opera #alternate universe #heartslabyul

[tuefort-teamfort]

Till Death Do Us Part (Medic x gn! reader)

I've chosen to go with Mick for Sniper and Josef for Medic because I honestly really like those two names for them. And this is set during Expiration Date.

Also sorry this is a bit long, I had what I thought was a good idea and ran with it.

thank you @pope-neuro this was incredibly fun to write and a welcome exercise to get me out of my writer's block

masterlist

.....................................

"Thanks, again, Mick." You shouted over the wind, head turned to ensure your words carried over your shoulder to the Sniper sitting behind you.

"Ta," the man in question started, poking your side to get your focus back on the road, "told ya' don't mention it." He paused as you steered your motorcycle around a convoy of sedans all peddling along at an agonizing pace. Once the two of you were leading the pack, he resumed. "Jus' don't understand why he believed that Pauling was sending the two of us on a mission." He laughed and you had to agree with him. It'd been a pretty hasty lie and one Josef could've seen through on any other day. Although you and the Sniper were close, you're chosen professions didn't lend themselves to each other super well meaning the two of you rarely got sent on duo missions.

"Me neither, 'spose I got lucky he was so distracted. Him and Engie were running a buncha experiments when we left." You revved the engine, encouraging the bike to pick up speed till you were flying down the road towards the base. You'd outrun the cops that liked to set up a speed trap here before, wouldn't be hard to do it again. "Papers still secure?"

"Still here, love. Don' worry." Sniper assured, his laugh traveling through his arms to your torso.

A relieved sigh slipped from you. The exit to the base was in sight now, the canvas barely rusted by the warm desert breeze. The reason for your little secret mission? A marriage license. You'd been planning this op since Josef first entertained the idea of getting married nearing six months ago but in that time there'd been problem after problem getting the two of you down to a courthouse. So, you'd taken matters into your own hands now.

After bribing more people than you'd like to admit you'd managed to swing it that you and Josef could just sign the papers, have a small ceremony with two witnesses, and you'd be legally married. You didn't even need an officiant (though Dell had joked about doing so previously). Despite it not being anywhere close to the "wedding of your dreams", it'd be enough. And it worked out better in the long run considering both yours and Dr. Ludwig's rather dubious reputations.

At least you'd gotten Josef an actual wedding ring. Now all that was left was to pop both the question and your surprise on him.

A hard right turn brought the two of you through the canvas and the base loomed ahead.

You brought the bike to a stop in the garage and waited for Sniper to hop off before doing so yourself. Or...well...that's what you were pretending to do. In reality, it seemed like the second your foot met the floor all of the butterflies that'd been nowhere to be found were now swarming you. Your heart beat had sped up so suddenly you were partially convinced you'd just been ubered but the accompanying feeling of invincibility was nowhere to be found.

A touch to your shoulder sent you jerking off of the bike and onto the ground. One hand reached for the pistol strapped to your thigh while the other held you up.

"Oi, easy, mate. 'Sjust me. Jus' me." Sniper soothed from the other side of the bike, a hand outstretched in placation. "Easy now, take a breath."

You did as he told, breathing in through your nose out the mouth as you calmed and took your helmet off. "Sorry, sorry..." you apologized between breaths. "Don't know what came over m-"

"There you two are!" A very sudden, very loud new voice broke through the panicked haze that had settled between you and the Sniper. In the doorway stood the very man you'd worked yourself into a tizzy over. And before you could really register that you were still sitting on the floor, Josef had stridden over to you and pulled you to your feet into an crushing hug. "I have been looking for you for the past hour, liebling." He sounded...almost panicked which wasn't entirely abnormal for the man in general but definitely struck you as odd.

"Darling, I told you me and Mick had a mission." You tried to remind him, wriggling in his too tight hold enough to look up at him. "Did something happen?" You tacked on, noticing for the first time the absolutely harried look about him. The Medic's hair was in disarray, it looked like he'd been running his hands through it in a poor attempt to calm himself down, his eyes were a little bloodshot, and there was a small frown tugging his whole demeanor down.

"Ja, yes." He nodded hard enough to make his glasses slide down his nose. "It is best if you and Herr Mundy come with me." As Josef tugged you out of the garage to, presumably, his lab you managed to catch Mick's eye to see the same startled expression on your face mimicked on his.

...............

You sat two hours later at the poker table in the rec room staring in what could only be described as abject horror at the giant timer on your wrist. 69:51:34 and counting down. Three days to live and it felt like you'd just wasted the last nine minutes in Spy's impromptu meeting. He'd dismissed all of you when Jeremy's antics had derailed his rather touching plan to at least listen to everyone's dying wish. You kind of wished now you'd put a card in.

There was a presence at your shoulder that warned you someone was about to talk to you. "Staring won't make time stop moving, mate." Mick's voice was low and soothing. "Quit stalling and go get your man."

"I...is he even going to want to get married now? I mean...three days, Mick. Not even. We'd be married for less than three fucking days!" You exclaimed, tone shifting rapidly from subdued to near manic in a matter of seconds.

Your sudden outburst drew the attention of Spy who had been lingering in the corner while he puffed on a cig. "I'm assuming we are referring to the Medic. From what I understand of him, he would be more than happy to spend his last hours married to a person like you."

Despite his wording, you detected the sincerity in his voice and it assuaged your fear at least a bit. Enough for you to heave a hearty sigh as if expelling your anxiety. "I'm assuming you mean that as a compliment." Bracing yourself for a moment, you took a few calming breaths. "Alright," you stood," where are the papers?"

"Righ' here." Mick answered without missing a beat, handing you the manila folder that protected your precious future. "Gotta pen handy too for ya."

"Please," Spy scoffed, stepping away from the wall, "at least use a nice pen for your literal marriage." He offered a rather luxurious looking fountain pen in place of the common ball point one Sniper had.

"Thanks..." you answered slowly as you took the pen. "Why are you helping?" It was a little rude but the question had already left your lips as you led the two men towards Ludwig's lab.

Spy scoffed, "Consider it my good deed for you before I die."

Snorting, you pocketed the pen as you checked for the box containing Josef's ring, "Consider all grudges and debts forgiven on my part then. I'd ask you to sign as a witness too but I'm guessing you'll still want your identity intact after death?"

The Frenchman looked to be considering for a moment before offering a hearty nod that pulled a derisive snort from the Sniper. Which quickly turned to a mock argument you tuned out in favor of knocking on the door to the lab.

"Herein." Came the shout of the Medic and the unmistakable descending whirl of a teleporter slowing down. With a deep breath and a glance over your shoulder at Mick who offered you an encouraging nod you opened the door and headed in. "Ah, Schatz, Herr Mundy, willkommen." Ludwig called as the two of you (Spy was lingering outside) descended the few stairs. "Did you come to help?"

Glancing away from the doctor, your eyes met Dell's briefly (or, rather, his goggles) before you flicked your attention to the teleporter and small mountain of tumor ridden bread in front of Ludwig. "Not...not exactly, darling." You avoided his gaze when Josef turned to look at you. "Dell, do you mind if I borrow him for a moment?"

"Go right ahead." The Texan waved you off.

It was now or never.

Motioning for the doctor to step closer, you waited till he was within arms' reach to take his hands in yours. "I'll admit this is not how I planned for this to happen...not even close, to be honest. You see, I was planning to steal you away from everyone for a nice night in. I'd cook you dinner, we'd watch a movie, maybe dance, and then I'd ask but..." you paused, huffing just slightly in apathetic amusement, "circumstances being what they are that's gone out the window. But my affections remain the same." looking into his eyes you could see the realization dawn on him. You got on one knee and took the box out of your pocket, "Dr. Josef Ludwig," and opened it to show the polished gold band, "will you marry me?"

The man let out a startled gasp that ended in a high yelp. "Mein Gott! Schatz, meine Taube, ja, ja of course!" He lapsed into a series of high, nearly deranged, breathless laughs as you slipped his glove off and the ring onto his finger. All the while a smile that mirrored his began to grow on your face.

Pulling his hand from you, he tested the weight of the band -curling and flexing his fingers experimentally while the other, his right hand gripped both of yours in a tight grasp. Until, returning his gaze to you, he brought his ring-adorned hand to your cheek and bowed his head till it bumped against your own. “Oh, Täubchen…meine perfekte Täubchen. Danke..." Josef hummed, his eyes sliding closed momentarily. "I do wish you'd asked much earlier...I can't give you a ceremony now."

Taking a steadying breath, you let your face relax as your hands gripped tighter to his. "I've already thought about that and, if you're willing, although there's no ceremony for it we can get married right now."

His eyes flicked open. "Was? Wie?"

At that, a small grin spread over your face as you signaled to Mick for him to step closer. He did so, gaining the Medic's attention as well, as he handed the manila folder to the other man followed shortly by the fountain pen. "I pulled a few strings. So long as we have witnesses, we can technically get married. Mundy's already agreed to be one." You looked away from Josef over his shoulder to Dell who had watched the whole exchange with a sappy smile on his face. "If you'd also be willing, Dell?"

With his helmet removed, you were awarded a clear view of the engineer's eyebrows as they shot up his forehead in surprise. "Of course, hell, I believe I offered to officiate!"

"Really?" Josef asked, spinning on his heel enough to look over his shoulder without letting go of you. "Oh, danke mein freund!" He whipped his head back to you both hands now holding yours as he waited with barely restrained eagerness for Dell to make his way closer.

"Um," the engineer began when he reached you, "do you Dr. Josef Ludwig take them," Dell gestured to you as he said your full name, "to be your lawfully wedded spouse?"

Ludwig's grip on your hands tightened almost painfully. You could feel the gold band on his finger digging into your skin. "Ja, I do." He grinned, showing off a wide smile that crinkled his eyes.

You grinned back, unable to keep your composure as Dell turned to you next. "And do you," once again he repeated your name, "take Dr. Josef Ludwig to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do." You watched as Josef's grin grew impossibly wider.

"Then by the power vested in my by the state of New Mexico, I now pronounce you married in the eyes of the law." Dell smiled at the two of you. "You may kiss."

Before you even had a chance to lean in, Josef had pulled you to him. One hand shot to the back of your neck while the other took your waist. He turned you to the side in a slight dip before he slid his mouth over yours.

This kiss, though not all that different from the others you had shared with Josef, seemed to spark new life in you. It felt like you were breathing for the first time - it created a feeling so visceral and all-consuming that you knew you could never again live without it.

With your hands wound around his neck, you pulled him closer and let reality fall away. You weren't in Teufort, you weren't in New Mexico, you weren't even on the Earth any more. You were just in your new husband's arms.

You only pulled away when the synchronized watch attached to your wrist let out a little beep to remind you that another hour had passed. It was a sobering sound and one that clearly had yanked Josef back to reality too. His smile, though still brilliant, had a somber hint at the corners.

You pecked his lips and turned back to the other men still in the room who had cheered as you and Josef indulged in each other. Mick, already catching on, was rifling through the folder and laying out everything that needed to be signed before handing the pen to you.

Josef's grip on your waist tightened as you jotted down your name on the license. And then he signed his.

"Danke, meine taube," Ludwig's voice was low in your ear, his lips to its shell. "I love you."

#tf2 medic #tf2 medic x reader #medic x reader #tf2 #dr ludwig

[brittanagirlcrush]

She Is the Best Thing

A/N This is what I imagine "The Break-Up" could have (should have?) been. Taylor Swift's Mine (like, duh)

XOXOXOXOXO

"You're breaking up with me?" Brittany's tears tore at Santana's heart.

Santana shook her head. "This isn't working. You know it's not but," Santana's voice broke, "I'm too selfish to let you go. I can't let you go, Britt. I want to do whatever it takes to work this out."

"Then what..."

"I need you to listen to me, okay? Really listen. Let me say everything before you say anything."

Brittany nodded.

"I talked to my parents, to Sue, to some people at Lima Community College. I told Sue that I was leaving Louisville at the end of the semester; that the scholarship should go to someone who would take advantage of the opportunity." She held up her hand to forestall Brittany's argument. "Listen. I'm miserable. I hate it in Louisville; I hate the bitches I cheer with, hell – I hate cheering, my roommate is a jerk with hygiene issues, and I just can't...I just can't seem to find my footing. I gave it two months and it's just not working for me. Being away from you just makes it that much more unbearable. I'm not leaving for you or because of you, got it?"

Brittany nodded and waited for Santana to continue.

"You're still not doing well in school. I talked to my dad and told him that you're a genius; when we study together you know what you're talking about. We did homework together last year; there's no way you had a 0.0 GPA because I saw you do – and hand in – homework. That alone would have brought your average up. So...I don't know if you've ever been tested for ADHD or dyslexia or other neuro-divergent disorders but I do know that you can answer any math question correctly; you just don't answer it the way the school system wants you to."

Santana took a breath and re-ordered her thoughts.

"You didn't fail, Britt," Santana looked directly at Brittany to let her see the honesty and sincerity there, "The school system failed you. Badly." She shook her head. "While I was talking to Sue I mentioned something about it, how I didn't understand how you could fail like that. Sue actually made the point that McKinley's special-ed department is almost non-existent. Did you know that neuro-divergent isn't actually a medical term? It's so that people can avoid using words like normal and abnormal to describe the way someone's brain works. Something this school system never takes into account."

Santana bit her lip in thought. "You're a genius, Britt. You've got better memory than most people, you think outside the box and see things differently, and you can do complex math stuff in your head. You're bilingual – and I know you know what that means," she gave Brittany a grin that the blonde returned slyly before Santana looked down at her hands, wringing relentlessly in her lap.

"So, dad's got some friends in the neurology department and he thinks maybe you should get tested. I don't think you're dyslexic because you never seem to have trouble reading and writing but I don't know and they'd be able to figure out why the teachers here aren't good for you."

Santana paused for another moment; she didn't know how Brittany was going to take all of this but she couldn't not try and do something. She couldn't just stand by – again – and let Brittany fail...again.

"After this semester, I'm going to take some gen-ed courses at LCC. I'm going to actually apply to colleges I'm interested in. Right now, I don't know what I want to study or even what I want to do. I know I said I want to be a star but I'm not sure I even know what that'll look like. So I'm going to take the credits I get this semester and the credits I get from LCC and transfer them to wherever I end up. And..." Santana took a breath before continuing, "LCC also has courses and tutors that can help people who are neuro-divergent gain the tools they need to succeed."

Santana swallowed hard. She was almost done saying all she had to say; the rest was up to Brittany.

"When I leave here – whether it's June, July, August, or September – I want you to leave with me. I realized something; I don't care where I go or what I do. If you're not with me, it's not what I want. When I sang that song..."If I Can't Have You"? I lied to Mr. Schue because he got so weird. That song was all about you – and only about you. I realized something about wanting to be rich and famous; I only wanted that because then I'd be like Ellen and no one could ever tell me I couldn't be with you. The money and the fame would get us out of Lima – together."

Santana took a deep breath and looked up. "Anyway, that's all I have to say." She looked at Brittany hopefully; hope that she didn't hurt Britt's feelings or overstep some boundary.

Brittany wiped away the remainder of her tears. "Then why..." she stopped, gathered her thoughts and started again, "if you don't want to break up with me and you did all this work so we could be together...why sing me a break-up song?" Brittany looked confused.

"See. Genius." Santana's eyes fell back to her hands and voice dropped to a whisper. "Because I was going to break up with you." Tears began slipping down her face. "I promised myself, when we were standing by the lockers after Nationals, junior year that I wouldn't hurt you anymore." She looked back up, locking eyes with Brittany. "And that's all I was doing. I couldn't be here like you needed me. I couldn't call or Skype or text or come home on any kind of consistent basis. I wanted you to be able to find someone who could be here for you. Even if it wasn't me. The look on your face the other night," a sob broke free and she shook her head, "I was hurting you and I hated myself for it."

"Santana..." Brittany's tears were flowing again.

"And then I realized that I was just too damn selfish to let you go; to give someone else a chance to make you theirs. I – I just couldn't do it. That's when I talked to my dad and did the research. The song still fits though," Santana smiled through her tears. "The last verse..."she cleared her throat and, in her sweet, raspy, amazing Santana voice sang:

And I remember that fight, two-thirty am

'Cause everything was slipping right out of our hands

I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street

Braced myself for the goodbye,

'Cause that's all I've ever known

Then, you took me by surprise

You said, "I'll never leave you alone"

You said, "I remember how we felt, sitting by the water

And every time I look at you, it's like the first time

I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter

She is the best thing that's ever been mine"

"We're going to be okay, B," Santana looked up hopefully, "if that's what you want?"

Brittany threw her arms around Santana, the two of them crying into each other's shoulders. It took several moments before they were able to pull back and Brittany looked into Santana's eyes, "It's all I ever wanted...to be yours...proudly so."

Do you believe it?

We're gonna make it now

And I can see it

#brittana #my fics

[gazellion]

EIGHT

Words: 3222 A/N: If anything in this story doesn't make sense just comment with a question or message me and I'll be happy to clear it up! [ Masterlist ]

SKYLAR WAS EATING one of Izzie's chocolate cupcakes, listening to the blonde ask herself what was missing. Izzie stood in the kitchen, staring at a sink full of dirty dishes and cupcakes. For eight hours, she had been cooking cupcakes left and right, but still, something didn't taste right to her. To the other two, the cupcakes were gifts from heaven. Izzie combed her fingers through her hair, not knowing what she was doing wrong. "No, these are good. Martha Stewart would be proud," George replied with a mouthful of cupcakes, encouraging her to make even more.

"Yeah, look where it got her." Izzie looked at the piece of paper that held the recipe once more. Skylar watched her friend with her chin propped up in her hand. "There's something missing, some specific ingredient. Why can't I remember?"

"Look, just call her. Call your mother and ask," George suggested.

"He's right, Iz. It's better to just get it over with than spend another eight hours cooking with a missing ingredient," Skylar added as she sat down next to George with a glass of orange juice.

"I don't want to call my mother," Izzie moodily said and started cleaning up the counters. George and Skylar shared a look before continuing to eat their breakfast.

Then, Derek and Meredith entered the kitchen together, as they had done every morning for the last week. "Good morning!" Derek came into the kitchen, Meredith following. George offered him a cupcake but he declined.

"Who doesn't want a cupcake?" Skylar wondered, looking at the tray to see if she wanted another one or not. "They're so delicious."

"You're like a healthy nut, aren't you? You eat muesli every morning," George stated, agreeing with Skylar.

"No, I don't," he defended himself.

"Okay, the muesli thing...you do," Izzie pointed out, Skylar and George nodding along. "The last seven days, at least." Derek looked surprised at that notion.

"Oh, come on!" Derek approached his girlfriend, muesli, and milk in hand. "I haven't been here for a whole week...have I?"

"You have," the redhead said in a teasing manner.

"See, even they think it's weird," Meredith pointed out.

❰ ❱

"This guy belongs in psych. What are you doing turfing him here?" Cristina and Skylar looked at their patient's chart, questioning the psychologist who decided he needed to be on the surgical floor.

"He's my gift to you," the doctor said, an attitude lying beneath his voice. "Had a seizure two days ago, and another one this morning."

"What are you talking about?" Skylar frowned, reading from the chart. "It says right here, he talks to dead people, his family thinks he's dangerous, they had him committed. That's psych, not neuro," she pointed out.

"Man, didn't you go to med school?" Cristina scoffed.

"Yes, and unlike the correspondence schools you two attended-" He insulted.

"Oh, that would be Stanford and Harvard, right?" Cristina shot back.

"Sorry, ladies. We can't take him back until he's cleared," the man informed.

"So you're dumping him on us?" Skylar questioned.

The doctor rolled his eyes. "He thinks his seizures are visions," he said and then turned around and walked away.

"Hello?" The patient called from his room. "They're not seizures, I'm psychic."

"Of course you are, and I'm a chicken," Cristina retorted, entering the room. She and Skylar both reluctantly examined him.

"Okay, Mr. Duff. We're gonna start your workup now," Skylar politely smiled.

"Work me up, work me down, I'm telling you, it's a waste of time," he said right back.

"I need you to grip my fingers," Skylar smiled down at him. Before he could follow her instruction, he seemed to stare at her-scratch that, he seemed to stare right through her. "Hey, Cristina," she called out.

The brunette looked at the man and immediately realized why she had called out to her. "Mr. Duff?" Cristina called out.

"Mr. Duff, are you okay?" Skylar lightly shook his shoulders and he looked right back at her.

"Someone..." he started. "Someone is gonna check out." At that, Cristina rolled her eyes, Skylar furrowing her brows. "Bye bye," he childishly waved.

"Man, he's nuts," Cristina muttered. Skylar lightly hit her in the torso.

"I'm dizzy, not deaf, lady. And I'm telling you someone on the fourth floor is gonna die."

"That'd actually be Dr. Yang, Mr. Duff, not 'lady,'" Skylar defended her friend with a smile on her face that told Cristina she was getting annoyed.

Before they could say anything else, a voice was heard over the hospital's speakers. "Code blue, fourth floor. Code blue, fourth floor." Mr. Duff raised his hand as if to say goodbye, in a teasing manner. A look of confusion and shock appeared on the redhead's face while Cristina remained impassive.

"Alright, uh, we'll be back soon, Mr. Duff. Get some rest," Skylar told him, backing away toward the door.

"Anything for you, Dr. Skylar Kepner," he cheekily replied, a smirk on his face.

As she and Cristina left the room, it took her a few moments for his words to sink in-Skylar never told him her name. Sure, her Dr. Kepner was sewn onto her jacket but she never said her name was Skylar. This is gonna be fun, she thought.

❰ ❱

"Botox would do wonders on those frown lines," the self-proclaimed-psychic told Cristina as she and Skylar examined him.

"Okay," Cristina sweetly said. It was almost too sweet for Cristina and Skylar shot her a bewildered look, but that quickly left her face when the brunette said, "Shut up."

"Are you allowed to talk to me like that? Is she?" Mr. Duff asked Cristina, then moved on to Skylar.

"No, but if I pretend I wasn't here there are no witnesses," she jokingly said, a smirk on her face. Cristina just answered him with a hiss.

"God, you're hot...in a Mrs. Livingston kind of way," he said to Cristina. Skylar just raised a brow, looking between the doctor and patient with confused eyes.

"See these spikes on your temporal lobe?" Cristina asked, holding up a CT scan of Mr. Duff's brain. "It means you have epilepsy. Not visions, seizures," she pointed out, pointing to the specific part of the brain she was referencing.

"You think I'm epileptic? That's so not right," he answered, putting his hands behind his head.

"We don't think anything unless it's proven, Mr. Duff," Skylar explained. "We're going to get you an MRI to get a closer look at your brain, okay?"

"Yeah, there's no way..." he started, wanting to deny the MRI scan, but he trailed off, entering a trance-like state once more.

"Mr. Duff? Can you see me, can you hear me?" Cristina examined his pupils with her light. "Stay with me."

"Wouldn't have picked you for the mommy track, Nurse Betty," he bluntly said.

Cristina backed away from the patient, shock on her face. Skylar's eyes widened, immediately picking up what Mr. Duff accused her friend of. She knew she and Burke were sleeping together, but she had no idea that her friend was pregnant, she couldn't believe that Cristina was. Cristina had to be the most responsible one out of the friend group and wouldn't let a mistake like that happen. But as Skylar's friend left the room, she spared Mr. Duff one last glance before jogging to catch up with her friend.

She followed her to the closest on-call room. "Cristina!" She called as the woman entered the room.

When she got inside, she saw her sitting on a bun bed. "What?" she answered, somewhat hostile. Skylar didn't mind it, she knew that she would be, Cristina doesn't like when her secrets get spilled and she has way too many walls up.

"Just wanted to check on you. I knew you and Burke were sleeping together...is he the father?" Skylar asked, getting straight to the point as she sat down next to her on the bunk bed.

"Yeah," she reluctantly answered.

After a minute of them sitting in silence, Skylar was the first one to speak up, "I'll help," she bluntly said. When Cristina gave her a look of confusion, she elaborated, "Whatever decision you choose. If you choose to keep the baby, or if you choose to get rid of it, I'll be by your side. And I may be terrible at lying, but I'm pretty damn good at keeping secrets. I mean, I've known about you and Burke for weeks now, and even you didn't know I knew," she jokingly added.

Cristina cracked a small smile at that. "Thanks, Red," Cristina said, looking at her friend. "I made an appointment on the 16th. George is covering my shift." When she saw Skylar's face, she quickly added, "No, he doesn't know."

"Do you mind if I ask..." she trailed off, unsure of how to phrase her question. "Are you gonna tell Burke?"

"No."

"I won't either." The two friends sat in the darkness of the on-call room for a while, finding comfort in each other. And maybe Cristina found comfort in knowing that she had someone to turn to if something went wrong.

❰ ❱

After Cristina convinced Dr. Bailey to take her off the psych case and switch with Izzie, the blonde and Skylar got their patient into the CT machine.

"Your nostrils are flaring," he pointed out, smiling at Izzie.

"They are not," she quickly disagreed.

"You're into me. I can tell," he said, making Skylar roll her eyes slightly. "Doctor small-and-angry was a hot appetizer, but you both are a smorgasbord of lust."

Skylar was trying her hardest to ignore the man as Izzie warned him, "Mr. Duff, you're pressing your luck."

"Would you press it for me?" He said with a smirk. Skylar shot him a reprimanding glare when he said that.

"God, that look is just like the one my mother used to give me," he slightly shivered.

"Yeah, she tends to do that," Izzie chuckled.

"I hope you're not claustrophobic," Skylar said, changing the subject even though his mind was preoccupied.

"You're staring at me," Izzie glared at him. "Stop it." She tried to move away, but he stopped her by grabbing her wrist.

"I'm looking at you, but it's the strangest thing. I'm hungry for a chocolate cupcake." Skylar's eyes widened slightly at the affirmation.

"What did you say?" Izzie questioned him.

"A chocolate cupcake," Mr. Duff repeated. "Maybe one of those ones with the white squiggle on the frosting. Could you oblige?"

"What? Do I still have some chocolate on my face or in my hair or something?" Izzie incredulously questioned.

"What are you talking about?" He frowned.

"You. I know the drill, so keep it up. Next, you'll be reading my cards, telling me my dead uncle is in the room."

"Is he?" Mr. Duff sarcastically asked.

Izzie rolled her eyes at him. "Ha ha."

He then turned to intently look at Skylar, furrowing his brows in concentration as he studied her.

"Cocoa."

Skylar awkwardly laughed. "Excuse me?"

"Cocoa powder," he said as if it would explain everything.

Staring at him for a long second, she realized what he was talking about. It was the stupid nickname that her sisters called her-one that she absolutely hated. She must have blocked it out of memory or something, that's why it took so long to know what he was talking about. But how the hell did he know that?

Izzie shook her head in annoyance and confusion before pressing the button to move Mr. Duff into the MRI, glaring down at the smirking man. "I'm watching you."

❰ ❱

Cristina and Skylar now sat at a desk, the former smelling her food and deciding if it was disgusting or if she would actually eat it with her pregnancy cravings. Skylar just happily ate her chicken sandwich while observing the staff in the hospital.

"If that's turkey, can I have some?" George arrived with Alex behind him, asking for Cristina's untouched food.

"It's soggy."

"Maybe it'll kill you and solve everything," Alex deadpanned.

"Hey!" Skylar hit his arm when he went to grab the bag of chips on her tray. He mouthed 'Ow' in response but Skylar just rolled her eyes, knowing he could take a little pain.

"I could have gotten that intubation," George defended himself. "I'm good at intubations."

"Why does everything in the hospital smell like a hospital?" Meredith asked them out of the blue, leaving right after as Izzie joined the group.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, George. Everybody makes mistakes," she tried to cheer him up.

"Just don't make the same mistake twice, Georgie," Skylar reasoned.

"You know, I'm good at a lot of things," he squeaked.

"We know you are, George," Skylar said, standing up and putting two hands on each of his shoulders. "You know what? I'm gonna tell you something. You need to get laid," she chuckled. George's eyes lit up somewhat, hoping they had the same person in mind, but he didn't want just a one-night stand with her, he wanted everything. But his hopes were diminished as quickly as they came. "See that nurse over there? She's single, she's got red hair, go ask her." Skylar had no idea why she was saying these things to George, she slightly hoped that he didn't take her advice on this.

"You know, that's actually really good, Red," Cristina said when Skylar sat back down next to her. They both high-fived each other, smiling.

"In case you forgot, I intubated an esophagus!" He slightly yelled.

"Dude, you're tweaking. Maybe you should go see that psychic..." Alex teased.

"Mr. Duff is not a psychic," Izzie yelled, annoyed.

"We are trying to help you!" Cristina told George. "Go buy her a latte, freshen up your gonad please!"

As Izzie stared at her phone, she noticed the looks her friends were giving her. "Shut up!"

"It's not too late to call her, you know," Skylar said.

"Yeah, moms like that-surprises on their birthday. You know, it's very hallmark," George encouraged, earning himself a slight smile. At the lack of an answer, both he and Skylar left to check on their respective patients.

❰ ❱

"Izzie, he already said no, why do you keep insisting on this?" Skylar asked her friend who dragged her toward their patient's room.

"Maybe if you tell him the same thing he'll listen? I don't know, but please try?" She pleaded.

Skylar went silent for a moment, thinking through her options. "Fine."

"Yay, okay, thank you!" Izzie gave her a quick hug before they entered the room.

"Mr. Duff? We're here with the consent forms again," Skylar started. "You really need to sign them. Your surgeon scheduled the O.R." They noticed the man staring off into space. The girls both shared a look. "Mr. Duff, are you alright? Are you having another seizure?"

They approached him, looking at his monitor. "Yeah, I think, maybe I am," he answered with a little sadness.

"What is it?" Izzie frowned, wanting to hear the answer.

"It's me..." Water slightly filled the man's eyes. "I think it's about to be over."

"We know what we're doing, Mr. Duff," Skylar assured him with a soft smile. "You saw the angio results. We're catching the AVM just in time. You don't need to worry, we know what we're doing," Skylar tried to keep him calm, kindness in her voice.

"You don't need to be nervous, you're not gonna die. Promise," Izzie said. Skylar slightly glared at her. She knew that they weren't supposed to be promising life, even if the odds were favorable-anything could go wrong on the O.R.

"I'm not talking about dying." He went silent for a moment. "My whole life has been about what I see, about believing in myself, whatever people think. You're telling me there's a very good chance that will go away."

"You're a healthy guy. You're gonna live a long full life," Izzie said.

"And if your visions truly are real, then you have to believe you'll still have them after surgery. If you don't, then you'll have the rest of your life ahead of you, to discover this new version of yourself." Skylar looked at him, trying to give the best advice she could conjure.

Izzie passed him the paperwork and he signed it. He looked away, bringing a hand to his face. He was clearly scared for his future, but he had a slight hope that everything would turn out okay.

❰ ❱

The interns, excluding George, were in a deserted hallway lying on the hospital beds-or in Alex's case, sitting on the floor against the wall. The four girls were all lying on separate beds reading through some medical books when Meredith sighed. "I tried to talk Shepherd out of that clot surgery. What is wrong with me?"

"Basically, you tried to kill the guy," Alex commented.

"Basically, you're an ass," Cristina remarked as she stopped writing something down in her notebook that was next to the medical books.

"Come on. You know you want it. Come to papi, baby," Alex stated.

"Mer, you couldn't have known. It's just something that makes us interns and Shepherd an attending: we don't have experience," she reassured Meredith, highlighting a sentence in her article.

George entered the hallway with a smug look on his face. "This, uh, this is George," he pointed to his hospital ID. "George has a hot date."

Skylar's head shot up at that. "Who? Olivia?" George nodded at his best friend's question. "That's awesome, George. I'm happy for you." She smiled, although she couldn't help but let a little sadness leak into it. Cristina looked at the exchange, noticing Skylar's expression. What is it with Cristina and noticing these things about who Red likes? It was strange.

"Yeah."

"Left pocket of my lab coat, Georgie," Alex revealed as he got up to leave. "No glove, no love." He walked past George who suddenly grabbed his arm and took a condom from Alex's pockets. The others were all looking at George with their eyebrows raised, Skylar watching with slight discomfort.

"I mean, if Alex has to be a manwhore at least he has protection," she chuckled and Alex playfully faked an offended look before walking away.

George sat in a wheelchair next to the group and Izzie sighed. "Our psychic had his surgery," she informed.

"Yeah?"

"I wonder what happened with his...gift," she finished.

"Come on, we all know he's crazy," Cristina commented, Skylar knowingly looking at her.

"I thought you said you didn't believe in that stuff," Meredith asked Izzie.

"I grew up in a trailer park. I waited tables, which was supposed to put me through college, but my mother was always calling these...psychics. All the time. And the bills started piling up so I had to use my money to pay them. When I turned 18 I left, never went back," she explained. "This guy has been saying things to me, things he couldn't possibly know anything about, so I just...wonder."

The group fell into a comfortable silence, but then Cristina spoke up once more making them all laugh. It seemed that even today when all of them went through something tough at least once, they always seemed to be happy with each other.

❰ ❱

Mr. Duff's surgery went smoothly, just like they thought it would. Skylar headed to her patient's room once he woke up, just to check on him and make sure he was alright.

"Hey," she knocked on the open door, leaning against the doorway. "How are you feeling?"

"Good," Mr. Duff said with a genuine smile. "Really good."

"I heard that you freaked Izzie out again," she laughed. "So, I suppose you still have your abilities."

"Yeah," he absently said, looking off into space with a thoughtful expression.

"What is it?" Skylar asked, slightly skeptical.

"You like him, Dr. Kepner," he started. "Don't let him slip away."

[ Masterlist ] [ Seven ] [ Nine ]

#addison montgomery #alex karev #amelia shepherd #callie torres #derek shepherd #drama #dramatic #fanfiction #george omalley #greys #greys anatomy #izzie stevens #jackson avery #lexie grey #mark sloan #mcdreamy #mcsteamy #medical #medicine #meredith grey #richard webber #romance #surgeons #surgery #april kepner

[ideahat-universe]

Surviving the BaldCoin halving.

Are you familiar with the BaldCoin Halving? You're on Tumblr! Of course you don't know the halving! But you are Jerma fans for sure.

Well. I have a secret to reveal. Jermamites haven't been making compilations out of the bottom of their heart for fun.

We've been doing it for BaldCoins. That's right. We were all mining for BaldCoins.

Every time a person watches a Jerma compilation a miner program runs and mines for a BaldCoin.

There are many rules to mining BaldCoins and I won't bore you with the specifics BUT I will say, since Jerma has initiated the Soft Retirement Protocol, it will now be harder to mine Jerma content for fresh BaldCoins.

After all, once a particular clip has been used in X amount of compilations it stops yielding BaldCoins.

The Jerma economy is going to enter deflation. In order to make good BaldCoins you have to really innovate the way you make compilations.

You're going to want to be the first person to make a video based on the latest Jerma antic.

You're going to go back into the green screen well and find something new to use.

You're going to have to travel back in time and edit streams at an era where Jerma played games for more than 4 hours.

It's going to be hard. I don't know how Cheltie will survive.

Corax is doing the smart thing and making more non Jerma content so when the inevitable happens and we've ran out of videos to make unique compilations from, Corax will have carved a niche as an animator that reviews random things for fun. He'll be like Noodle, except he has a nicer sounding voice, and doesn't act like a dick.

Me? Not sure. There was like five months where I just made Jerma compilations one after the other and I think I lost the muse that compelled me to make Jerma content.

My Jerma archive needs organizing. I downloaded the entire Elden Ring series but upon reflection it's a lot of Jerma playing the game like a jackass and doing much worse than virtually everyone else that played the game. There were Vtubers who don't play Fromsoftware games that played Elden Ring better than Jerma does.

So I need more compilations from Elden Ring and not hours of Jerma brute forcing bosses that people naturally beat in less than 30 minutes.

Jerma says he'll be making some interesting videos but I won't be holding my breath because the last time Jerma said X channel was just going to only have X content it didn't get used for that purpose at all.

Just to make a fine point of what's basically happened as a result of his soft retirement:

Jerma won't play anymore Nancy Drew games (Drew Crew is dead)

Jerma won't play Flavor of the month games (five months after it was popular but still)

Jerma will never complete his obligations on making the Catboy Jerma streams.

Jerma Wrestle is cancelled (barring it doesn't get absorbed by Charlie's wrestling show)

Jerma award shows are cancelled (not enough content produced)

Jerma Holiday streams are probably cancelled.

The Jerma debt will never be fulfilled.

The axe dodge stream is probably cancelled.

Streams where people play Co-op games should be on the table but Jerma acted like it would be a huge inconvenience to play a a co-op games so that's probably also cancelled.

So what's left? Very random things based on the very few interests he still has which is to perform (because he's a theater kid at heart) and do like streams of him reacting to consumerism. Oh an House Flipper. I don't know why but we'll always have House Flipper.

So we're like 12 streams a year now at best.

But I've been through this before. Jontron era gamegrumps, Yathzee19, I'm going all in on Neuro Sama. That Chatbot is peak content.

For now though, enjoy probably my favorite Jerma Compilation edit.

#youtube #video games #humor #jerma985 #jermaposting

[quelleknowssome]

Ghosts Don't Eat

“Ghosts don’t eat food”, a very striking and obviously important musing from a professor when discussing theology, that made me wonder quite a bit about ghosts. I assure you, I already was losing focus, so my own thoughts weren’t really a hindrance to my education at this point in time.

If I were a ghost, I wonder if I’d know it. I wonder if I should recall dying and assume myself some incorporeal leftover- like a truly deserted meatloaf in the fridge. Maybe it depends on how I died. If I got hit by a bus quite suddenly, I don’t know that I’d know I was dead.

I suppose we ought to take the stance that the ghost in question is not at first aware of their own death. Whatever the means, it does not matter, only that the ghost should be in their own home prior to this discovery. I guess it’s the ghost of the sort of person who eats out of habit rather than hunger, or who loses track of time so long they just eat when they remember. I wonder if you keep all your illnesses and neuro-oddities after death. I often wonder at my own neuro-oddities and question whether they’re indicators of my having already passed.

I digress.

The ghost of this individual, for whatever reason, has decided to eat. It must take them a while to realize that they aren’t hungry, I have to wonder if they’d miss it. They have decided to make a PB&J, they’re feeling rather dead and don’t have nearly enough energy to cook a meal. They open the drawer- it doesn’t open. They open the drawer-it still doesn’t open. How silly they must think I'm so dead tired I can’t get my hands to work right. They focus all their energy on this one damned drawer, and end up probably using ghost telepathy or something to finally open it. They succeed. They pick up the knife- you can guess what happens.

The knife goes flying into the wall and they must wonder what has gotten into them and why their motor control is so finnicky today. Or maybe it’s a question of their sudden strength. They opt to leave the knife in the wall and get it after they’ve retrieved their peanut butter and jelly. The peanut butter is up high on the peanut butter shelf of the cabinet. Lining the shelf are only jars of peanut butter. I cannot pretend to know for what purpose this individual has so much, only that they do. I do not know the minds of ghosts.

The peanut butter shelf is a bit too high. It always has been. But this does not stop our hero from reaching, then reaching on tiptoes for peanut butter. Only this time do they succeed unaware of the fact that they are very much floating the necessary inch and a half off the ground. They must swell with pride or something similar to have finally done the impossible. Far be it from me to burst their bubble and tell them it was ghostly floating and not their own sheer will.

They reach for the peanut butter, but it must be a little far back because they can’t quite grab it. The only reasonable next step of course it to smack the peanut butter off the shelf onto the floor. Excellent. Now they begin to wander into poltergeist behavior more than general ghost behavior. Because, as everyone knows, poltergeists are just ghosts with agendas and they are very upset about it. (This is, of course, not true and very much my own interpretation, but this is also my own work, so your objections are futile).

This particular ghost, having not yet recognized their ghostly-ness is likely to mistake their frustration for hanger. There seems to be a sense of urgency surrounding eating just now, and to put it off any farther would be (in the assumed ghost’s assumed opinion) quite dangerous. The most logical next step then is pizza. The ghost in question, having voice recognition on their phone and a local pizza place’s number saved as a contact (again, I do not know the minds of ghosts) will simply tell their AI to call the pizza place and place the largest order they can. Perhaps ghosts are only hungry.

I suppose, existing in a constant state of absence or almost must make you rather void. Empty. Maybe it’s all encompassing, but the feeling passes for hunger- if it can truly be called a feeling. But I cannot know the minds of ghosts.

I suppose, when the pizza arrives, the delivery driver will come to the door and knock. Somehow, be it spectrally or otherwise, the ghost must get the door open. We are assuming for the sake of the narrative that this individual, being a regular at this particular pizza place, must have paid over the phone as they have countless other times. With the door now open our poor delivery driver will see no whole person at the door but a ghost in some recognizably ghostly form or other and no doubt drop the pie, make a b-line for their 2006 Kia, and drive off as fast as possible.

This should seem strange because normally the drivers are fairly friendly and do not tend to “ding-dong ditch” with pizzas. Perhaps in their hunger, however, the ghost would merely brush this off and take the pizza inside. It is only when they have absconded inside, sat on the kitchen floor with the open box, and dropped a slice through themself several times that it may occur to our ghost that they are in fact a ghost. This should be largely alarming, as death tends to be, but also rather upsetting because now they cannot eat they pizza they have so long desired.

#ghosts #if we were penguins #writing #my writing #prose

[ging3rbr3adh3ad]

Man I cant stop myself from being flabbergasted at just how worse it all continues to get and then shortly after something else is going on.

I literally cannot get to the doctor to get a fucking neuro referral because of one thing or another and I keep fucking up so my health is getting worse it seems by the day but I think im just exaggerating. I CANT go to the ER super late (questionable if at all on work days) because I NEED to keep my job, I am so happy and im finally completing my dream. I've already missed too many days since being hired I *absolutely* cannot miss any more unless it is an extremely serious emergency like a close family member dying or me being in the hospital for several days, things along those lines. But I've genuinely been trying so many various routes (and I've been trying to get past my debilitating phobia and anxiety attacks around immediate care medical centers but I havent been able to do it successfully sadly) and each time, EACH of the FEW times I was actually able to successfully find a dr/place and be able to book in to go, something magically moves or pops up right during when im supposed to be doing the appointment so I end up having to reschedule or cancel. I've avoided seeking care for so long and now that I want help I cant even get to physically see my/a doctor in person! And some fuckshits been going on at work which is nothing new at my company so thats stressing me out, and then today we get a past rent due for the month and if we don't pay in 3 days we are evicted. But my boyfriend has literally called 5 separate times since June 3rd to meet up with her to pay (because the app isn't set up yet 🙄 and they've owned the building for two months now.) And they. Wont. Answer. Or. Call. Back. So thats another SERIOUS thing on my fucking plate because he is currently between jobs trying really hard to find a new one so im the only one making money which is a struggle enough as it is without all this other shit added. This upcoming week genuinely feels like a hurricane coming from the distance towards me. The kids have been gone for 2 weeks for summer, so that's gonna be a big struggle to transition back, and then the two children who have the hardest time emotionally and socially (twins) also just moved into a new house so that will most likely add to potential behaviors. Not to mention my coteacher will be out of town all week so I have to be the main main teacher with a sub in who barely knows the kids or the classroom. And we have all the other center's kids starting after they closed their location, and I guess there is a LOT of behaviors and WE DONT HAVE OUR MHDB SPECIALIST AND THE COACH WILL BE GONE WE ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT HAVE ENOUGH PEOPLE. I'm absolutely terrified of this upcoming week. I'm really worried it will have a serious effect on my health. I really really really am going to try so hard to go to the doctor to at the very least get access to a neurologist before Monday but God I do not know if I can do it. I feel so weak and pathetic, I've been telling my boyfriend over and over "oh im gonna go today" "oh im going after work" and then I cant do it. The anxiety attack is just to the level I cannot take it. I'm trying so hard and I dont know why it keeps getting worse, or how there keeps being ways for it to get more worse. I dread and fear and every synonym in English, what could potentially happen next.

#long #personal #ive long crossed over into where i just. cannot cry anymore pretty much #i still feel sad and angry but mostly numb at this point #its wholeheartedly the only way im able to keep pushing through and holding together the pieces #not to mention my boyfriend is finally trying to work through his trauma really struggling with that and ive been trying to support him #hes making good progress on therapy book i suggested to him and he said it is actually helping him though #i see so many positive changes already and i am so unbelievably proud of him

[heraldtim]

ADHD

So, as has happened every time I try to start a journal, diary, blog, whatever... I write one or two posts, and then I disappear for a long time. Here I am, back from the disappearing. I am trying quite deliberately to not disappear any more.

My bio-kids both have ADHD-- diagnosed and under treatment. (My step-kids probably have it too.) A couple of months ago, my 16-year-old said, "Dad, I think you have ADHD too," and he rattled off the many, many traits and habits I have which point in that direction. I think he was right.

I already had an appointment for neuro-psych testing planned, and we included ADHD stuff. That was 7 hours of tests which I took across two days this past week, and totally brain-frying. I don't have "official" results yet, but it seems clear that I'm checking all of the right boxes for ADHD. There are habits and traits that I've had since childhoood. There are some things that I see now were coping mechanisms for manifestations of ADHD. I was very outgoing up through kindergarten, but then I specifically became much more introverted, because my father would become angry if I was "acting out" or being too loud, or inappropriate in whatever other way he felt was applicable. I never had the "hyperactive" part of ADHD, because I was madly suppressing it for my own survival.

That was the 1980s. As I am rapidly learning, the medical profession's understanding of ADHD is alarmingly thin. Back then, it was just ADD, which is sort of ironic, because the definiting characteristic was: (mostly) boys who were out-of-control hyperactive. Until the mid 1990s (what??) many physicians still stated publicly that ADHD did not exist and was simply an excuse for poor parenting and bad behavior. Until the 90s? WTF???

Since my son "diagnosed" me, things have been incredibly difficult in ways that are almost comically typical ADHD manifestations. All the stuff with which ADHD patients often struggle over the course of their lives, I seem to have piling up on me in the last few weeks (in addition to recovering from surgery, and trying to homeschool one chronically ill child who is current sleepint 12-16 hours a day and only has half a brain the rest of the time).

Trying to rearrange my office-- rearranging furniture has always made me happy, and it turns out ADHD brains really like those kind of changes (as long as they are forewarned). Where did i put the power cord for this, that, and the other thing when I took them all off the desk to move it? Why won't the damned computer recognize this stupid monitor instead of that one? I should never have started this, the project is too big and I'm too week/crazy/disorganized/full-of-back-pain/depresed/etc. I literally had the old "I can't even do this simple thing. See how useless I am? Everyone would be better off if I were dead" thought this afternoon.

I am going to a massage-- it's a luxury that I'm going to have to quit, or at least cut down on, with a quarter of my income gone. I'm counting down the days until I no longer have to pay alimony. Unfortunately, that will be right about the time that my bio-kids turn 18, finish high school, and head out on their own (if they want to... I mean, I'm not going to kick them out, at least not immediately). So... I'll have the money to do all the things I always wanted to do with them, right when they leave me. That's another train of thought that's leading me to the "better off dead" station.

I really have been very non-depressed over the last few months. My therapist actually suggested we "discharge" me from her care, since I was doing so well. What changed? Why is everything suddenly so hard?

I will write more soon. I know this is just a rambling mess. The purpose is just to get all of the (crazy ADHD) thoughts out of my head and written down so my kids, and hopefully their kids and so on, can maybe find something useful or helpful in it. So maybe when I die, I can leave behind a little something.

#depression #adhd brain #dad stuff

[thechangeling]

If I keep my eyes closed

5 times people saw the Herondale necklace on Ty and thought Kit and Ty were together and the one time they were actually right.

Listen I know @sandersgrey was probably expecting this prompt to create a funny silly light hearted fic and I swear I really tried (no I didn't) but then C-PTSD brain came along and said let's do trauma and angst so here we go. Also I'm splitting this fic into chapters because the last time I did this I ran out of space lol.

Cw: Emotion flashbacks (from c-ptsd), mentions of trauma, slutshaming, what I like to call neuro misogyny (basically the specific brand of ableism directed at neurodivergint women and those perceived as women), and mentions of sex.

Chapter one: Parasites

"Oh are you fucking kidding me," Alyssa whined out loud, causing several people nearby in the common area to turn around and look at her. She didn't care. She had always had a tendency to say things out loud by mistake and she didn't really care about people's reactions anymore.

"What?" Anush muttered from beside her, his nose still buried in his book. They were both camped out on one of the circular couches on the far side of the room.

Alyssa wacked him, causing a noise of protest from Anush and pointed across the room to where Ty was exiting the common room with an admittedly quite attractive Centurian boy that Ali couldn't remember the name of. Ty looked back and met her gaze and she smirked, blowing him a kiss.

He gave her one of his confused but affectionate "I have no idea what you're doing you crazy person but I still love you" looks, and let himself be gently pulled back to the staircase up to the dorms. Alyssa knew that Ty wasn't a fan of being touched but he occasionally endered it under specific circumstances.

Like getting laid.

Alyssa rolled her eyes at the air. "That's like the fourth one this week!"

A flash of a conflicted expression flashed over Anush's face before he resumed reading. "Why not Ali? He can do what he wants."

She picked at her torn bottom lip, "that's not the point! We barely even see him anymore! It's not fair."

Anush didn't answer her. He just continued reading.

A flash of anger burned through Alyssa immediately felt her chest getting tight and her heart racing. Being ignored was something that triggered her. Feelings of shame and the pain of rejection washed through her body, overwhelming her senses.

Mom are you listening?

No I'm busy. Some of us have more importent things to worry about then some ridiculous television show, such as the job that keeps a roof over your head!  Honestly Alyssa-

"Shut up!" She shouted into the air before she could stop herself. Anush looked up in shock along with everyone else in the room but she ignored them and swung herself to the side to sit on Anush's lap, straddling it.

If she was more aware of her surroundings Alyssa would have realized how inappropriate this was but she was barely registering the feeling of her own body as she grabbed Anush's chin. Everything was numb.

"You're not listening to me." She said carefully, looking him directly in the eyes.

He stared back at her, confused and...

Afraid?

"Ali," he protested. She hissed.

"Don't call me that!" She cried. Her entire body shook with fury. She could barely register what she was doing. "It's Alyssa. It's Alyssa when I'm pissed at you."

She could hear whispers from behind her. Or at least she was pretty sure they were in the room.

"Bitch flipped out!" A girl's voice cackled.

"Wait hang on I've gotta film this," another voice chimed in.

Alyssa scoffed, refusing to pay them any mind.

Parasites.

Anush looked guilty now. "Alyssa I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ignore you." He sounded genuine. Ali took some deep breaths. She was still angry but it was manageable now. Her awareness came back to her.

She was sitting on Anush's lap.

Fuck she was sitting on Anush's lap!!!

She jumped off of him as fast as she could. Everyone was still staring at her. The boy filming with his phone instantly put it down.

She marched up to him with faked casualness and smiled the way she had practiced in the mirror a thousand times when she was younger. A slickly sweet smile designed for making people do what she wanted.

Then she punched him in the stomach.

Alyssa smiled at him as he doubled over in pain. "Delete the video," she told him casually.

Ali didn't wait for a response before she strode out of the common room.

Alyssa didn't really get Ty's thing with sex. I mean sure she understood it. Sex was great with the right partner, but Ty was almost militant about it. The way he seemed to breeze through person after person after person. Like he was looking for something. Or trying to escape from something.

Ali wasn't really sure.

After the one time they hooked up Alyssa thought it best to return to her "no sleeping with shadowhunters" rule. Plus she didn't want to get in the way of Ty potentially getting into a romantic relationship. Which wasn't something she was interested in. Plus Ty seemed to like boys more anyways.

Alyssa had always loved the idea of romantic love. The storybook fairytale. It was weirdly compelling. But in reality it wasnt something she had ever felt or related to. She thought it was. She once thought she was in love. But looking back now she isn't sure what she felt for her first and only girlfriend was romantic.

She couldn't even really remember having crushes. She would just pick people she wanted to be friends with. She used to think that was the same thing. Honestly she still did.

Alyssa was walking down the hall and saw Ty and the pretty boy from before standing just around the corner arguing and immediately hid behind the wall.

Not that she was trying to spy on Ty. Just that she didn't want to interrupt and find herself in the middle of an awkward situation.

"I don't know why you didn't tell me about this!" Pretty boy shouted.  Alyssa slowly peeped her head around the corner as discreetly as she could. He looked furious, practically frothing at the mouth but Ty looked relatively unbothered like always.

Classic.

Alyssa knew Ty could handle any jerk that got rough with him but angry men still made her blood freeze and her chest tighten. She pressed her palm to her racing heart and willed herself to breathe.

"I don't understand why this bothers you so much," said Ty, his eyebrows furrowing slightly.  The other man's eyes widened, then he laughed a humourless and cold chuckle.

"You don't understand why it bothers me that you're engaged to a Herondale?" He shouted. "Are you fucking serious? I almost- I mean we almost-" he cut himself off.

What?? Now Alyssa was completely lost. Ty definitely wasn't engaged. He would have told her. They told each other everything. It seemed that Ty was equally as confused by this information as she saw him glance to his side slightly, probably looking at Livvy as if to silently ask what the hell was going on.

Alyssa tried to stifle a giggle as she watched Ty's expression change slightly as he silently argued with Livvy who was invisible to everyone but him. Pretty boy raised an eyebrow as he tried to follow Ty's gaze to see what he was looking at but only saw empty air.

Ty sighed loudly. "I can assure that I am definitely not engaged. I promise." He assured the other man. "I'm not sure who told you that but it isn't true."

Pretty boy scoffed. "Are you kidding me? "Nobody had to tell me, genius! You wear his symbol around his neck! And it obviously can't be Jace so my money's on the lost Herondale."

Oh no. Alyssa sucked in a breath. They never talked about Kit. Ty had told her and Anush the bare minimum, that they were close and then he left and obviously Ty was still hurting but he never talked about it. He refused to.

Ty was frozen. He stared blankly at the other boy, his face not betraying a single emotion. But Alyssa knew better. She understood the chaos going on inside. She understood it because she had felt it too.

Before she even realized what she was doing she marched out of her hiding place towards the two boys. The other one startled at the sight of her but Ty showed no reaction or any hint of surprise, almost as of he had known she was there the entire time.

Before she had time to think or formulate a plan, her mouth was moving. This was pretty common for her.

"Hey asshole!" She shouted. "What the fuck are you doing yelling at my friend like this?" He obviously wasn't trying to trick you, why aren't you letting him explain?"

Pretty boy opened his mouth to retort but Alyssa kept going. Once the fire started there was little anyone could do except let it burn.

"No fuck you, you're really gonna stand there and accuse him of being a cheater when you know nothing about him?" Alyssa snapped. "You can fuck off then."

A small smile formed on Ty's face. And that was all she really needed.

Her attention was brought back to fuckface when he sneered at them both. "Oh I know enough. People talk. He's the kind of whore that'll give it up for just about anyone." He smirked. "Of course somebody that easy would-"

He didn't get to finish his sentence before Alyssa punched him in the nose.

"Ali!" Ty protested, but it it sounded half hearted.

"Crazy bitch!" The boy cried, clutching his bleeding face.

Alyssa cackled with glee. She would never tell anyone this but she loved violence. Loved fighting and the feeling of her blood pumping.

"That's right," she proudly declared. "I am a crazy bitch. Now get out of here."

The boy ran off with a final glare and Ty rolled his eyes at her. "Must you always escalate the situation?" He asked. "I was handling it."

"I handled it first," she pointed out. He was staring off to the side again scowling at what was probably Livvy. Then he broke into a smile.

She wished she could hear what Livvy was saying. She always wished she could hear what Livvy was saying.

Ty turned his gaze back to her and smiled. "Thank you Ali."

Alyssa broke into a grin. "You're welcome Sherlock" she replied, twitching her nose at him. She wasn't exactly sure what caused her to do it.  It just felt like the thing to do.

But Ty understood like he usually did, and when he twitched his nose back at her, Alyssa felt so full.

Full of light.

Fyi for those of you who don't know C-PTSD causes emotional flashbacks which are basically triggered by being in situations that cause the same emotions you felt when the trauma occurred such as feelings of anger, helplessness, fear and sadness.

I will try and upload a chapter every few days.

Tagging list: @lavender-scented-rat @thefoxandthefound @littlx-songbxrd @queenlilith43 @arangiajoan   @have-a-holly-jolly-angstmas @tired-vin @phoenix-and-dragon @amchara @wagnerthedragon @sandersgrey   @the-wckd-powers @spooky-drusilla

Btw @eutonyinwhisper I don't know if you're still on tumblr but I was trying to figure out if there was a specific term Filipino Americans in particular used for mom but I couldn't find anything conclusive. If you could help me out that would be great! 😊 btw I've missed you!

#ty blackthorn #my oc alyssa reyes #tsc #twp #kit x ty #eventually #autistic friendship #ty and alyssa supremacy

[doctorthedoctor]

More Thasmin Parallels/Rambling

I rewatched The Tsuranga Conundrum yesterday and noticed something that gives me hope for another very vulnerable moment between the Doctor and Yaz before Thirteen regenerates — a confession of love or some equivalent? Maybe I’m a fool, but the longer I think about it, the more I believe the show might follow through on the thasmin front in some form. All of this is just me babbling about my own personal interpretations, so . . . ya know. Take it for what it is.

Flux spoilers under the cut.

In The Tsuranga Conundrum, Eve Cicero’s relationship with her brother, Durkas, is what caught my eye. Cicero is a distinguished neuro pilot allegedly being treated for Corton Fever on the med ship. When the Doctor learns her name, she recognizes it and recalls Cicero being mentioned in the Book of Celebrants. Upon learning the Doctor’s name, Cicero also recognizes her from that same book. From the moment they meet, they have a common thread.

Much like Yaz with the Doctor, Durkas knows that his sister is hiding something. We learn about this when Graham walks in on him snooping.

GRAHAM: Well, we've all hacked into our loved ones' confidential records at one stage or another, haven't we? Can I ask why?

DURKAS: Well, she's lying to me about, about... about what's wrong with her.

This conversation also reveals that Durkas feels inferior to his sister.

GRAHAM: What do you do, then?

DURKAS: Me? I'm an engineer.

GRAHAM: Oh.

DURKAS: Yeah, I fix the things pilots like my sister tend to wreck, and she looks down on me for it. And she always will.

This gives us the sense that Durkas longs for his sister’s approval, just as Yaz consistently tries to prove herself to the Doctor — but there’s a wall of insecurity in both dynamics. No matter how intelligent and dedicated and capable and compassionate Yaz proves herself to be, the Doctor refuses to confide in her. Yaz trusts the Doctor, but the Doctor does not appear to trust Yaz with what’s really important. (We see this dynamic reflected more explicitly with the gay couple from Praxeus, but that’s, like, a whole other thing).

While Durkas and Yaz respectively push for information, Cicero and the Doctor cling to putting on a front for them, despite it being painfully obvious that they’re lying.

DURKAS: What're you doing? Adrenaline blocker? You can't take adrenaline blockers with corton fever.

CICERO: It's fine.

YASMIN: Might get you out of your mardy mood.

DOCTOR (ALONE IN A DARK CORNER): My mood's fine.

However, in The Tsuranga Conundrum, the Doctor also knows that Cicero is hiding the real reason she’s there, and she is the one who gets her to confess.

DOCTOR: It isn't corton fever, is it? Is it pilot's heart? I'm sorry, Eve, but if we're going to survive this, you need to be honest with me.

CICERO: I started as a pulse pilot. I graduated to Neuro Fleet Commander faster than anyone in Keeban history. I'm the most decorated general. I'm the poster woman. I cannot have pilot's heart. I cannot be that example to others.

DOCTOR: But you have. And you've been using more and more blocker shots to get through the day.

Sounds familiar. If only the Doctor would listen to her own advice instead of proceeding to have Yaz blindly risk her life for her own benefit. But in this moment, even the Doctor acknowledges that a secret of that magnitude can’t be kept forever.

DOCTOR: Does Durkas know?

CICERO: I don't want him worrying.

DOCTOR: He's going to find out sooner or later.

DURKAS: He already has. Not that he's surprised, just... disappointed.

In order to save everyone, Cicero insists on piloting the ship. Durkas assists her, but she begins to have doubts right before she starts.

CICERO: This isn't going to work.

DURKAS: Quiet, General. Trust your engineer and tell me you're well enough.

CICERO: I'm well enough.

DURKAS: Now promise me that's true.

(she nods)

Because I’ve been rewatching s11, this reminded me of Yaz and the Doctor interacting at the end of The Ghost Monument. The Doctor loses hope, believing they are going to die, but the fam convinces her to not give up. Then, the TARDIS appears.

DOCTOR: I thought maybe you didn't believe me that I'd get you home.

YASMIN: I thought you didn't believe yourself for a second back there.

DOCTOR: Who, me? No. Never doubted. Don't know what you mean.

I don’t know if Cicero genuinely thought she was well enough, but I can’t imagine that she’d ever admit the opposite in a situation that dire, where she’s the only one with practiced knowledge of how to get them to safety. I think she would have risked her life trying to pilot regardless of what state she was in. And that, of course, sounds very much like someone else we know. Rule number one: the Doctor lies.

But what struck me the most is the conversation she and Durkas have while she pilots the ship on the verge of death.

CICERO: I'm sorry.

DURKAS: For what?

CICERO: I didn't tell you I was ill.

This is the same conversation the Doctor has with Yaz at the end of Flux, right after finding out that her time is ending.

DOCTOR: Yaz? I'm sorry. I didn't let you in . . . to what I was doing. Going after Karvanista. What I was looking for. I shouldn't have shut you out.

But what really stood out to me is what followed Cicero’s apology.

DURKAS: There's plenty of things I never told you.

CICERO: Yeah? Like what?

DURKAS: Like I love you. I'm proud of you, sis.

CICERO: I love you too, bro. I'm sorry.

When the Doctor and Yaz return after ejecting the Pting, they find Cicero dead on the floor and Durkas piloting the ship to safety. This engineer, who spent so long feeling inferior to his sister, literally stepped into her shoes and carried out her task. Cicero wouldn’t even let the Doctor pilot because she said it takes a dozen years to learn, but she gave control over to her brother. In those final moments, she trusted him. She believed in him.

Out of the fam, Yaz is the one most similar to the Doctor (Reverse the polarity -- Neural blanacers -- We're going to find her and we're going to rescue her - -WWTDD? -- We’ve got a task, we have to stick to it).

Being a police officer, she possesses skills and insight that complement the Doctor well. When the Doctor is gone, she is the one to step into her role, taking command and building a plan for survival. In the first ten months they spend apart, Yaz sleeps in the TARDIS and researches how to get back and save the Doctor. During the following three years they spend apart, Yaz channels her pain into carrying out her task, just like Durkas did. (Co-pilot? Of course).

In The Timeless Children, Graham even points out how much Yaz embodies the Doctor in human form.

GRAHAM: I think you're such an impressive young woman. Never thrown by anything. Always fighting.

YASMIN: Thanks.

GRAHAM: You said to the Doc that you thought she was the best person you'd ever met. But you know what, Yaz? I think you are. You ain't got a time machine or a sonic... but you're never afraid and you're never beaten. I'm going to sound like a... like a proper old man, but you're doing your family proud, Yaz, you really are. In fact, you're doing the whole human race proud. Sorry. I haven't offended you, have I?

YASMIN: It's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

GRAHAM: Oh.

YASMIN: You're not such a bad human yourself either.

GRAHAM: Not su...? Is that it? I've just said all them lovely things about you, and all you give me is, you're not such a bad human?

YASMIN: Mate, I'm from Yorkshire. That's a love letter.

That interaction with Graham screams Yaz’s love for the Doctor without her directly saying it. If, “You're not such a bad human yourself either,” is basically a love letter, what the ever loving fuck is, “I want more. More of the universe. More time with you. You’re like the best person I’ve ever met,” supposed to be? I could combust just thinking about it.

I know I’m kind of veering off from The Tsuranga Conundrum, but these parallels between Yaz and the Doctor make me want to reiterate something I wrote about last year (which you can find here if you’re interested).

Yaz, like the Doctor, has had her past touched on in a way that leaves us with a lot of questions. Right now, we know that she has struggled with her mental health and accepting help in the past, but there’s nothing to imply that the Doctor is aware of this (as far as I can remember). We’ve only seen her mention Izzy Flint and the year from Hell once, but she never went into detail about the circumstances surrounding her bullying.

Alongside that, the police officer mentioned Yaz’s home life being rocky. Our clearest glimpse of this is through Najia. After meeting the Doctor, she asks Yaz if they're are seeing each other, but neither Najia nor Yaz sound happy during the conversation. Once Yaz promises to tell her about the Doctor, she immediately runs away to the TARDIS and commits to traveling with her. We never see that conversation with Najia happen. As far as we know, Yaz has been avoiding it ever since.

I personally feel like Yaz’s arc would make a great coming out story, which is another thing I touched on in what I wrote last year. If by some miracle this turns out to be the case, I think another part of the catharsis in their final episodes could stem from Yaz facing this part of herself — pieces of her identity and past that she’s been hiding from, just as the Doctor is beginning to do.

But the Doctor might be completely oblivious to what Yaz has been grappling with this whole time, especially since she’s been so consumed by her own pain since the Master turned up. We even see how easily she can veer off from considering others at the beginning of The Tsuranga Conundrum.

ASTOS: Don't! If you interfere with the navi-systems, they'll take it as an act of hostility or hijack. They can detonate the craft.

DOCTOR: I'm not being hostile!

ASTOS: Yes, you are. You're being hostile and selfish. There are patients on board who need to get to Resus One as a matter of urgency. My job is to keep all of you safe. You're stopping me from doing that.

DOCTOR: You're right. Of course you're right. I'm sorry. That mine hit me harder than I thought.

In this scene, the Doctor is so blinded by her own pain and the need to get to a familiar and safe place that she almost risks the lives of all the patients on that ship. If Astos hadn’t been there to hold her accountable, it definitely looks like she would have done it without batting an eye.

I have a feeling that the Doctor didn’t genuinely consider the extent to how everything might be affecting Yaz until after she disappeared for ten months. The first time they reunited, composed and compassionate Yaz got so angry that she shoved the Doctor. But the second time, after witnessing how sad she was when Ryan and Graham left, Yaz tried to soften the blow, even though it had been significantly longer and more difficult.

After blindly risking her life for the Doctor's benefit, after being shut out and snapped at and abandoned for so long, Yaz still put her feelings aside to make sure the Doctor was okay. I don’t think that was lost on the Doctor, and I think that’s another contributing factor to her initiating that conversation with Yaz at the end of Flux.

After rewatching The Tsuranga Conundrum, I genuinely believe Dan interrupted the Doctor and Yaz right on the cusp of expressing love like Durkas and Cicero did. It’s a different kind of love, of course, but even if it’s not entirely romantic, it’s also not entirely platonic. Regardless of where it stems from, Yaz so tangibly loves the Doctor. And after being separated for three years, with the Doctor so close to regeneration and a lot of repenting ahead of her, I think we’re at the point where they might finally acknowledge it.

#doctor who #thasmin #thirteenth doctor #13th doctor #yasmin khan #doctor who flux #the tsuranga conundrum #the timeless children #the vanquishers #doctor who spoilers #kay rambles #dw thoughts #long post

[gallifreyan-heart]

The Husbands of River Song

Okay, this is gonna be a long one, kids. I know it’s the unpopular opinion, but I have issues with River - that’s a post for another day though. 😅

So, now that I’ve finally recovered from Face the Raven - Hell Bent (I mean, recovered as I’m likely ever gonna be), I decided to finally watch this and boy do I have thoughts. I even made gifs. lol. 

TL;DR - basically, the whole “in love with River” thing is more kindness than anything and even with the block, he still remembers Clara. 

To start though - really, this whole neuro-block thing makes no f***ing sense at all. Like, he doesn’t wonder why there’s graffiti all over the box with the girl from the diner on it?! He sees a message on the chalkboard, but doesn’t react or think ‘hey, that’s weird, someone’s been in here’? So he can remember some of what they did, but not her? 🤦‍♀️ Convoluted much? Ugh. Anyway...

1) The TARDIS was trying to ‘cheer him up’ from a melancholy he couldn’t have understood, right? Obviously it also knew Clara and everything between them, having been there for most of it. The TARDIS’ memories weren’t erased, so that’s a real sad start right off the top. Geez.

2) River - the supposed genius, ‘great love’ of the Doctor, his ‘wife’ of all people, couldn’t figure out it was him? Really? Or as he said, “Seriously?” Even after he flat out said it like 5 times?!  Look, Clara MF Oswald would have figured out it was him, I guarantee. Just sayin.

3)  DOCTOR: “Stop holding my hand, people don't do that to me.” Ok, ouch,  right in the “things he’s forgotten” feels, I see how this is gonna go. 

4) Here, however, I think he absolutely was still having bits of memories about Clara (even if he didn’t realize it/couldn’t see her?). The first one that struck me was in the restaurant. I whipped up this GIF - just look at his face here:

He is so uneasy. You can see he’s thinking it’s familiar somehow, but he can’t place it, so it’s upsetting him. Even River asks why he’s frowning. He blames it on concern for the deadlock seal, but I don’t think so... ’cause, well, hello:

5) “I don't like lying down people.” It struck me as such an odd comment. This one may be a stretch, but all I could think was...

6) I’m big into body language cues, especially with people who can’t seem to use their words to say how they feel *cough* 12 *cough*. When Flemming is asking River about the Doctor, he’s watching her. BUT when he says “ You're the woman he loves” - he immediately glares at him & looks away, swallowing hard. 

Aversion of the eyes relates to uncomfortable feelings & embarrassment. The hard swallow indicates high stress & embarrassment as well. If the statement were true, there would be no reason for him to feel ashamed. He feels bad. 🤷‍♀️

7) Speaking of body language... her reaction when she finally realizes it’s him:

Looks *super* thrilled, doesn’t she? WTF. To add insult to injury, the first thing she says is that he needs to dye his hair. Are they serious with this? I realize it was supposed to be funny, but I didn’t think it was, she looked 100% dismayed.

8) River asks how he managed to get a new face and he simply replies “ A thing happened.” So...does he not remember what or how? That the only reason he is even still alive is because of a ‘thing’ that is 5″2′, with big brown eyes who loved him so much, that she literally begged the Time Lords to save him? 😒

9) As the towers play music, River notices him looking very sad and even asks if he’s crying. People assume it’s because he knows it’s their last night, BUT I disagree and posit that it was making him think of Clara for several reasons: 

Of course he averts the question, but moments later he says... EVERY CHRISTMAS IS LAST CHRISTMAS! Literally. Quoting. Her. 

River says she expects him to save her somehow and he flat out tells her I will torture myself for 4.5 billion years and burn this whole fucking universe to the ground to try and save you no. Adding, rather bitterly, that he can’t always save the day and there's no such thing as happy ever after. Hmmm...

The Doctor, about the towers, “when you least expect it, but always when you need it the most  (ahem) -pause for him to get INCREDIBLY choked up- there is a song.”  Literally the last thing Clara would ever say to him:

           You said memories become stories when we forget them. Maybe some of them become songs.

10)  RIVER: You can't expect a monolith to love you back.

       DOCTOR: No, you can't.

       I mean... that seemed pretty clear to me, especially with her reaction.

11) Supposedly a night on Darillium is 24 years, but does that necessarily equate to earth years? This was about the most out of character thing. I’m sorry, but when have you EVER known the Doctor to be able to stand being in one place for a long time (not including 3 because he was exiled without a working TARDIS, so that was unwillingly). Not to mention leaving Earth unprotected for a quarter century??? 

12) Having the hotel built, making her a sonic and staying with her are all touted as grand gestures that validate his love for her. I've never gotten that vibe with them though. Whenever I see the Doctor interact with River - I feel like it’s watching that one friend that falls all over themselves about a guy who’s really not interested. But he’s nice about it, not wanting to hurt her feelings - because he can see how much she idolizes him and he *does* care for her in his own way. But is River Song his ‘true love’? Absolutely not. Sorry. 

13) No Kiss?! You finally have an “age appropriate” (insert eyeroll) woman, they’re in this big romantic setting, on supposedly their last night, on Christmas and nothing? I feel like that kinda speaks volumes on its own.

As an aside, I’d also like to point out in 7x13 when River begged him not to go into his own timestream. He had no idea if he’d make it out alive, which if he didn’t, would have ended their story. Instead, he sweetly kissed her goodbye and yeeted himself right in there with no hesitation - all to save Clara. 

Oh, did I mention the 4.5 BILLION YEARS OF TORTURE? Ok, just checking. 

Airing only a couple weeks after “Hell Bent” felt like kind of a slap in the face in a way, if that makes sense? Just seemed to me more like fanservice for the Yowzah crowd & Moffat wanting to wrap up her storyline before leaving the show. 

This is all just my opinions, and how I see it. It’s okay if we disagree.  ✌💙 

#doctor who #the husbands of river song #episode thoughts #doctor who christmas special #whouffle #whouffaldi #sorry its so long #clara is the doctors true love #i will die on this hill #eleventh doctor #twelfth doctor #doctor who season 9 #dw edit #anti river song #anti doctor x river #anti twelve x river

[vtforpedro]

health update, long post - TWs in tags

I haven't made an update in a while because I am exhausted. more exhausted than I can say head is still bad. working with the new neuro and just last week he gave me the diagnosis of IIH I've been waiting for a year to happen c': because he's smart and knows everything has been ruled out and when I explain it feels like a bowling ball is sitting on the bridge of my nose during episodes and that my ears feel full, I have visual disturbances, I'm having trouble with memory/information processing, my nose pops lol that I am describing a fuck ton of pressure in my skull so I didn't have to do the lumbar puncture. wish the US would get caught up with the UK because they advise against LPs because they're DANGEROUS and doctors can use those extra years of school to make big brain decisions anyway. we're doing this thing of going up on one med at a time and over three weeks to reduce side effects because I am so sensitive to meds. going up on the med that treats the nerve pain I get from my brain being swollen from PRESSURE and pressing against the giant nerve on the side of my head lol taken three times a day so going up on dose more each week to get to the desired dose then I'll take the ~magic~ drug that is the only one prescribed to treat IIH by reducing the amount of spinal fluid surrounding your brain. really REALLY terrifies me because tons of people have to get off of it because of bad side effects and I'm already so sensitive 😭 but we're starting at a really low dose, half the usual starting dose, and also doing a three week thing to get to the desired dose if it doesn't help, he'll refer me to an IIH specialist at our big neuro hospital (my insurance might not let me see them though so I may have to go elsewhere but I was thinking why haven't they done that in the past year when he said it 🙃) and also probably a migraine specialist things are moving forward with that at least in remission from leukemia for 10 months as of last month and will be 12 in the first week of december!! my hematologist moved our appts out every six months c: so that's good. I got really lucky with it. still probably stuck in my apartment for another year because people can't get their shit together to put an end to covid. blood cancers can not only cause severe illness/death (and my labs are still abnormal even if the leukemia isn't detectable) but it could cause it to come out of remission with a vengeance so. can't be around people had to fight my apt complex just yesterday not to send maintenance in to change the fucking lightbulbs because I can't have people (who are apparently not required to wear masks anymore!!!!) who have been in countless other apts come into mine ha ha ha whole host of new GI problems tho!!!! so that's been fun. can't find a reason for it either so I'm not sure what my GI is gonna. do about it. I've had the double scope procedure, multiple abdominal ultrasounds and CT scans and now a good amount of labs with nothing that explains why I get some severe pain and constipation. haven't been constipated this entire year cause of my diet and it just started one day despite no changes. really frustrating I had a pain about a week ago so bad I could barely walk. it was low enough that I don't know if it was GI or reproductive system but it's been not great with pain saw an OBGYN yesterday for a pap smear. kinda still concerned about le lady parts but she said everything looked fine at least probably gonna get off birth control after we see how I do on the IIH med so we can determine where side effects, if any, are coming from. she said I will likely see positive benefits and both her and neuro agreed it might help my migraines weight loss has kind of stopped. right at 40lbs too. it's been so frustrating and I've tried to change up the foods I'm eating but it's just not happening. I absolutely need to lose more weight for the IIH so idk what to do. can't exercise at all. can barely move around to go to appointments and I barely make it through all the stuff I have to do after we're thinking I may need a

shower chair soon. it'll help but it also sucks that I need one at all. makes me sad, especially for the next reason! I woke up this morning to see that disability denied my claim. even after everything I gave her. I was expecting this, but still hoping for good news because of *gestures broadly* all of this, plus my neuropsych and psych both diagnosing me with severe depression and ptsd lmao so I'm kind of. really fucking down right now it could take two years before I have a hearing with a judge after appealing. I can only hope the lawyer I spoke to in april sticks to his word and takes my case on my age is working against me but I've had a history of depression/anxiety since I was 10 and started to be treated then too anyway this is getting really long. I've had so many appointments already this month and it's exhausting. it's exhausting having to deal with doctors who are as shitty as ever and it's exhausting having to come home and do covid procedure/shower and it's exhausting having to be worried about getting covid from medical professionals who are not nearly as careful as they should be I can't count how many times they've asked me or suggested I take off my masks lol this phlebotomist tried to kill me last week (I may be exaggerating) and had to get help despite my excellent veins that even while dehydrated give quick/good blood and the guy she had to call in to help told me I could take off my masks b/c that helps him with anxiety attacks I got an 'anxiety attack' because not only did she keep moving the needle in my arm over and over and over again but she gripped it so hard it was causing me 10/10 pain I CAN STILL FEEL THE BRUISE but she kept doing it after I was telling her it hurt very badly so I got super woozy and had to lie down lmao and then she missed my vein in my hand. when I had one tiny tube left out of SEVEN. he got it instantly and quickly I'm tired of these people!!!!! I'm tired of shit luck and shitty medical professionals I'm tired tired tired of it had three appts with the psychologist and it didn't work out cause he was a man in the end. but I have an intake appointment with a therapist today to get an official therapist and I'm crossing my fingers. I need an actual trauma therapist and a woman who will not likely laugh and say we need to work on my 'taste in men' like they weren't the ones to choose to abuse me my father and brother the longest??????? so lol wonderful thing to say but w/e. men being men my neuro wants an mri done in late dec/early jan and while I'm extremely...... extreeeemely......... tired of medical imaging, it'll probably be my last one unless something goes very wrong for like six months I cannot tell y'all how tired I am of all of this. they hand out labs and imaging orders like candy to likely avoid malpractice without a care or thought to the patient's time and money depression is bad right now. I'm just tired of all of this ANYWAY! even longer now I had to get a pill case cause my memory is getting so awful I will forget if I took my medicine or not within minutes of the time I need to and it's about 50/50 I think so I am either missing or doubling doses and yeah. I feel old. but it's rainbow-colored at least 😂 hope you're all doing well and staying safe. crazy world we live in and I hope it calms down eventually as far as the plague goes love you all very much. thanks for being so supportive and thank you ahead of time for any replies. I'm terrible at getting back to you all when I shouldn't be. I lack the spoons sometimes

#vtforpedro personal #personal #medical #tw medical #tw depression #tw ptsd #long post #LONG POST #oops

[whatshouldwecallchronicillness]

Hi! I've had what are apparently neurological issues my whole life and am now as an adult looking into them. I went to a neurologist for the first time ever a couple weeks ago. The thing is that he brought up multiple options that after about 5 minutes of considering I decided couldn't possibly match my experience. I don't know if he suggested them because an answer wasn't immediately obvious and they're some of the most common or if I didn't explain myself well (I'm both autistic and tend to play down my issues due to trauma), or if he didn't listen. He did believe I have something, so that's a good sign. But in the course of researching his suggestions I discovered, for the first time ever, something that's really rare but could explain my problems exactly. I want to go back and bring it up and ask about how getting tested would work. But I don't know how to be knowledgeable and convincing in a way that seems both like I did my homework but am not too pushy. I'm scared he won't initially believe me and I'm not sure how to be appropriately assertive. Do you have advice for bringing it up and being listened to? Thank you if you answer!

This is one of those things that no matter what you do, the ultimate result is on the doctor. So if you don't get taken seriously, it's not necessarily that you did anything wrong.

There are things I've learned that help my case though. Asking questions is a really useful and non-(ego)threatening method. So not what I did when I first got sick:

"Hi, I did my research and I think I have x and here are the 50 reasons I think so and some papers I printed out. Please test me for it."

Clinicians are human and have limited processing power. The above scenario is A LOT to take in! If the doctor has an ego and finds the subject out of their comfort zone, they might act dismissively or even aggressively. If the ego problem is bad enough, they may react that way just because someone had the nerve to offer an idea they hadn't thought of. Also, asking for tests is a delicate thing. Some doctors find it pushy, some are fine with it, some encourage it. You kind of have to feel them out.

Here's an option I like to use now:

"What do you think of x as a possibility?"

This is less threatening to (dumb) power dynamics so ego driven doctors are less threatened. It sounds less pushy and much more reasonable. You are showing you are open to possibilities and full of curiosity. Idk, it seems to work better. A good doctor will ask you why you think you might have "x" and then the discussion begins. And in that case you are giving your supporting information after being asked for it. So again, keeping the (dumb) power dynamics unthreatened. A good doctor will also admit when they don't know something. That's actually an ok outcome. Ideally, you'll get concrete answers after thorough testing. But if you have a doctor who is willing to work with you, that's a good first step and a decent outcome for that appointment.

Also, if the doctor doesn't get there on their own, you can follow up by asking, "what are the next steps?" This is my favorite because it's a direct question that asks for concrete answers. It makes it less likely that you'll leave the appointment with no progress or plan.

It sounds like you have a good start with your neuro. He's not dismissive and believes there is something wrong. If he can't help you, he might know someone who can. And if he can't help ou and doesn't offer referral, it may be time to try a new neuro. One way to find a good doc is to see who fellow patients recommend. Lots of illness based support and advocacy groups have physician recommendation pages on their website.

Unfortunately even when everyone involved is doing great, the path to diagnosis and treatment can take a long time. I'm working with three AMAZING doctors right now figuring out some dodgy blood test results and we are a year in with no answer yet.

Hopefully your next appointment will be more fruitful and you'll get the answers you are seeking!

#ask me stuff #or tell me stuff #or stop by to say hi