#today at least i am extremely grateful. living and being alive is so so so so weird. i hope we all make it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rianafying · 5 months

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i’m on tumblr again about to journal so hard. anyway, i’ve been extremely busy and overwhelmed lately, with school and work. some would say i’m doing better than ever but i would say i am living in an internal prison hell of my own creation and my therapist would say i have a fear of success. she did actually say that. and after reading a couple of articles it makes a lot of sense. i have a huge problem. imposter syndrome and always downplaying my achievements god knows why. well god didn’t tell me but i found out why. it’s scary, being in the spotlight especially after experiencing so much bullying throughout my life. now i’m not scared of the direct bullying but i find myself actively sabotaging my own life. for example: i’m doing this podcast and so i’m researching relevant topics. after i learn about the topics, i feel worthless and like why would i make this podcast, if i know this information surely it’s either useless or wrong or everyone already knows better. i’m scared of putting my hand up and lately i’ve somehow developed crippling social anxiety, which is completely undetectable to the people around me. turns out i’m an introvert. i mean i kinda knew it but it’s been very relevant to finding the perspective that is keeping me alive recently. i’m doing great and somehow i hate it. i want to rip my skin and hair out and it makes no sense. i need to get on some sort of adhd medication at some point in life because raw dogging it is proving to be too exhausting for this poor brain. my assignments have been going kind of really well and yet i feel like i’m flopping harder than ever. no matter what i achieve it feels like the bare minimum and nothing i could do would actually make me happy. what is this hell i have placed myself in. at least i’m not screwing up. but i’m always this close to screwing up. the best i do is not screw up. somebody literally offered me extra money for my work because they liked it so much and i’m here still wondering if i let everyone down. aaaaaaaaaaagahsgshsjskkdjjdks. talking about my fear of success sounds an awful lot like i’m bragging, but i’m done with this part of today’s journal entry so let’s move onto other things that are bothering me.

my cousin and my little sister are both going through hell with their uni applications and as big sister ™️ it is often my responsibility to help them out and i love them so much and i’m so so glad that they value my input so much that they come to me with their problems and have me check their essays and applications. and i love helping people especially the people i love so much but sometimes i really just can’t find the time and i forget to get back to them and it makes me feel awful!!!! but i try my best, they know i try my best and they love me so it’s okay.

number three is that im fucking broke, i do fun work and fun work in the fashion industry pays very little. im often doing very cool projects with student designers or little emerging brands and underground artists and obviously they can’t pay the way big corporations do and im so grateful for whatever they give me and for the opportunity to work with them, but at some point im gonna need to find a steady job. i’ve been talking about this for exactly a year and a half now. a lot of problems in my life will be automatically resolved as soon as i get a job. this summer inshallah.

there’s always so many little things to remember and i do my best to keep track of them by putting them in my calendar and my master to do list and my notebook and anywhere and everywhere literally plastered all over everything. it’s kind of overwhelming but the top things im worries about rn are my business presentation, my collab, my interview, the photoshoot for the social media marketing campaign, the blog posts, the exam, to return some stuff i borrowed from designers and the hair makeup gig. all of this needs to happen before the 12th of december, after which i am fully dedicated to finding and doing fully paid steady work in retail or hospitality.

oh i’m also worried about not sending back the pictures i took for my photoshoot, because i’m not happy with the quality of my work. hahah crippling imposter syndrome and self hatred check!!

and my relatives are visiting me this week in my tiny studio apartment that’s messy (as always) (actually not as always, it’s much cleaner than ever before i’m actually getting better at this). there’s just a few too many things on my mind.

it’s gonna be okay though. things are going well, despite how i feel, despite all the fears i have, despite all the complaining, the reality is that i’m killing it. and i’m gonna listen to my therapist and try to have a goo

#personal #journal entry

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outofmy-system · 1 year

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an open letter to a former lover

it's hard to begin to explain where it all went wrong, how devastated I was, and how grateful I am today. don't get me wrong, there are things that I wish I could change, things that I wish never happened, or at least not in the way they did, but mostly I'm happy I got to experience everything I did because from experience you learn, and I learnt a lot.

I learnt, that no matter what people say, love doesn't conquer it all, and it's not enough to keep two people together when the world is against you. love doesn't act as a big veil that protects you from fear, desperation and midnight threats. love is not enough when you're sixteen and you're crying in your room bc you keep getting calls at 3am on a school night just to tell you that you're garbage, that you deserve to go to hell only bc you love a girl. love doesn't stop people from hitting you, choking you, threatening you to beat you up to death if you don't do what they say. love can't protect you when you're eighteen, living in a household where not being straight is the worst of sins. love doesn't give you the money to move out, or the strength to keep going despite all the violence. love is a fuel, but you need a goddamn car to function if you wanna get somewhere.

i learnt that love is not enough, and that's okay. I loved you despite everything that was against us, and I hurt us both along the way thinking that maybe we could make it. i was naive and a fool, I can see that now, and I'm sorry for making things harder for you when all you needed was for me to let go and move on. i know things now that I didn't know before. i know that you were trying to be strong for the both of us and I know that you got the worse part of it all, but I also know that I was a child and that I truly gave you the best I had to offer at the time.

I'm writing this today because even though I wish I could talk to you about it, I'm never going to risk opening a wound on you when you seem happy and content with how your life is going today, and I'm glad it is like that. That being said, sometimes I wonder if you're truly happy of if you're just doing it to keep your shit together- guess I'll never know. The other reason why I don't talk to you is because I know that you won't be honest with me, and all I need is answers right now. i wanna know what happened back then, i want to know how it turned out and how you made it out alive. i want to know if sometimes you can feel me somewhere in you, because I feel you, like an old wound that healed but left a scar, like a warm hug from a loved one that parted ways a long time ago disguised as a breeze in the air.

sometimes it's blur and I feel like it was all one sided. i know that it wasn't like that but it's hard to convince myself when I'm only talking to the walls. it's not like it would make any difference today, i just would like to know that my first love was reciprocated.

I don't see the point in lying, i care about you, i really do. I think I always will. it's like a part of you stayed with me and I take it wherever I go, and that's okay. it used to bother me, because I don't love you anymore so why would I keep you with me? today i can understand that loving and caring for someone that was extremely important to you are two different things, and I accept that.

I learnt from love, I learnt from pain, I learnt from everything in between. Today I know what I didn't know back then, and today I love in a better way. I can only thank you for the hurting heartache, it made me who I am today and it made me learn how to love without tearing myself apart

#short text #spilled thoughts #spilled words #wish i didnt have to write about this at all #guess it helps to get it out of my system #lgbtq #note to my younger self #it gets better #hang in there

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voyage-to-divinity · 2 years

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"Our Newly Domesticated Reptilian Family Member"

August 20, 2022, 4:50 am

Jordan with Christopher co-fronting and Clementine co-con

*Trigger Warning: Brief mention of marijuana.

Well. I must say, we haven't updated this blog in quite a some time. That's alright, we're here now.

So, shall we? Let's start with the big update: Ty's surgery. As written before in our previous post, our boyfriend Ty has an aneurysm in his arm and must receive surgery to repair it. We haven't received any phone calls from his doctors, so that's a little concerning to us. They did not say that it would be an urgent matter, but they did say he needed surgery soon. Therefore, I expected something by now--it's been at least two weeks since we initially heard the news of his surgery. You'd expect something... right?

***We will be personally calling his doctor's office this Monday to find out if they have any new information yet--for anyone wondering.***

For something brighter to think about--I don't know if many of you know, but Ty and us are proud owners of three different pets; actually, four, as of today. However, that is to be determined, considering the circumstances of this newfound pet's arrival into our lives. Allow us to explain...

We acquired a seemingly adult gecko, and you'll never believe from where--one of our family puppy's mouths. (By the way, we literally have six dogs in this house. SIX. Isn't that wonderful?)

Yeah, wonderfully abysmal.

Er, that last line was Clementine... We really do love these pups, for better or worse, but they are quite a lot of work. We're doing our best to keep them alive, healthy, and happy as little jumping beans! It can be extremely difficult for all of us, though, we must admit.

We have a four-year-old mainecoon mix cat named Pretty (aka Bellatrix), an eight-month-old corgi-pitbull mix puppy named Honey, and an eight-month-old house mouse named Luna (aka Luna Moon). We are a busy bunch, quite frankly. Our domesticated animals keep us extremely busy, and, besides the constant worry of our animals getting hurt in some way, we are very grateful and joyous to have them all in our lives for the time being! That's all that really matters--the here and now.

IN ORDER FROM TOP TO BOTTOM: A photo of our cat, our mouse, and our lizard in his first (cardboard) habitat we made for him with about one hour of usage before we moved him to his new (Styrofoam) habitat. After we had Frost, one of the family pups, release the lizard from its willful, iron hold, Jordan (this is Christopher typing, currently) quickly scooped it up, said "I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF YOU'RE POISONOUS, BUT WHATEVER," and rushed it indoors to save it with Ty. It sat in our hand, scared to death and traumatized from that horrifying experience, and it didn't move as Ty taped together a temporary cardboard box habitat. But it was breathing--heavily, might I add. It was also blinking every once in a while! So, that meant, to us, that there must've been some life left in our reptilian friend.

As you can see in the photo above, the poor little soul lost his tail in the process. (It seems to us that he also has a laceration or two on his dermis, and his back toes are a little askew, although I don't know if that's just because of his lizard type.) Fortunately, most lizards regenerate their tails' cartilage, at least. But it might be a different color/texture than his current dermis. Ty and I have assembled a makeshift temporary habitat for our gecko. He's not in a shoebox with nothing but a pebble and some grass--just so we're good on that! We have done a surplus of research for this little guy--which, by the way, we do not know his gender yet. The poor fellow doesn't trust us enough to allow us to check--apparently, if it really is a gecko, male geckos have a small bulge on their belly side between their lower legs; females don't.

Our gecko, which, Ty and I have officially named Feifel, is temporarily in a Styrofoam receptacle with small air holes in its sides, and a glass slab for a top, that I used to use as a clay kneading surface. I know how that sounds--not exactly ideal for a reptile. But it's better than being in a pup's tummy! He has pebbles and stones, wooden sticks, a hanging stick to climb on, a hidey-hole, paper towels and newspaper for bedding (to be updated!), and distilled water in a small lid from a jar of Ty's medicinal marijuana.

Apparently, many lizards are either insectivores (main diet: insects), frugivores (main diet: fruit), or a little bit of both. I'm uncertain which type our lizard is yet, so I tried feeding it a blueberry, which I read are okay for them either way, but the gecko refused it. I presume it's not much interested in fruit, therefore veggies are likely out of the question. But I will try anything that a gecko is permitted to eat. I would love to try out raw honey for our lizard, which is apparently a neat every-once-in-a-while treat to them!

But what most reptiles like geckos truly enjoy are insects--cockroaches, beetles, ants, flies, worms, crickets, etc. In a few hours, when daylight hits, I plan to head outside, set up an insect bait trap or two, wait a bit, and then go back and collect the captured bugs for our Feifel to snack on. That should suffice, considering the type of adult gecko I think it is--a house gecko--doesn't need to eat more than once every day or every other day. I've heard people feed them even less than that--like three times a week!--and they're still perfectly healthy.

That's all we've got the time for right now--I'm parched, famished, exhausted, and I need a dang shower. My fingernails are grimy, my hair is greasy, my face is oily.. Okay, I'm done. Lol. Goodnight or good day to you, wherever you are in the world! xoxo

#did #did osdd #did positivity #did system #alters #mental health #mentalheathawareness #mental illness #dissociative system #dissociative diary #lizard #gecko #house gecko #gecko info #reptile #domesticated animals #animal tour #pet tour #pet photos

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firefly464 · 4 years

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The Real World - Chapter 10

OH SHIT WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT SOME WHOLESOME FRIENDSHIP MOMENTS???? Hell yeah wholesome friendship moments. I love the wholesome friendship moments

enjoy it while it lasts :D

Made in collaboration with @i-have-this-now Thank you to @rivys for beta reading!

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~~~

Tubbo was sitting next to the small pond in the middle of L’manberg, staring into the water. Fish darted through the swaying grass, creating small ripples in the otherwise still surface. He heard the grass rustle behind him and didn’t need to look to know it was his closest friend.

Tommy sighed. “Hey Big T.” His voice was subdued, filled with a type of grief. Tubbo looked up, eyes full of concern. “Hey man, you alright?”

“Yeah… Yeah I’m good.” Tommy plopped down in the grass next to Tubbo and stared into the water. “Look, there's something I need to tell you. Just… Just promise me you won’t freak out, ok? At least not until I’ve had a chance to explain myself.” “Ok? Whats up?”

Tommy took a deep breath. He couldn’t help but be terrified of how Tubbo would react to the news. He didn’t want to lose his best friend… “I’m… I’m not your Tommy,” he admitted. He spoke slowly, as if each word was chosen carefully.

Tubbo furrowed his brow. “What? What do you mean?”

“I mean, I’m still Tommy, but just not the same Tommy. Does that make sense?”

“Kinda?”

Tommy let out a sigh, before telling his best friend the whole story. He explained how he was ripped away from his home, how he had woken up here with an arrow in his chest, how he had experienced the war through a screen. It was similar to what had happened with George, except this time he had no one to back him up. There was no one there to vouch for him, and all he could do was hope that Tubbo would trust him.

When he was finished, there were tears in his friends' eyes. “So… You’re telling me that you’re from another world? And that my Tommy might be dead?”

“Yeah.”

“Tommy, how long have you been hiding this from us?”

“Two weeks maybe? It happened during the bow duel.”

“You’ve been away from your home for two weeks, and you didn’t say anything?

“I’m sorry… I should have told you what was happening. I’m really sorry. I just… I didn’t know what to say.”

“Have you been dealing with this all alone for the past two weeks?”

“I mean, not really… The same thing happened to Dream, so I’ve been talking with him. George has been teaching us sword fighting.” he shrugged

“Tommy…” Tubbo reached up and wiped away the tears that were starting to fall. “Tommy, why did you wait so long to tell me? Damn it, I should have noticed sooner. I should have been there to help you”

“W-what? Tubbo I just told you that your best friend could potentially be dead because of me, and that's what you’re worried about?”

“You’re still Tommy, aren’t you? You may not be the same Tommy that tried to scare me after I first arrived, or the Tommy that broke his arm while trying to build the wall, but you’re still my friend.”

“But… But what about your Tommy…?” Tubbo shrugged “I trust that he’s still alive. I feel like I would know if something happened to him. Besides, he’s too stubborn to die in such a stupid way.”

Tommy could feel his eyes start to water. He hastily reached up and wiped away the tears “I… thank you big man. Thank you so much”

Tubbo turned and gave his friend a hug “Yeah, no problem. We’re gonna get you home, ok? We’re gonna find a way to get you back home.”

The tears flowed freely down his cheeks. How long had it been since he had last been comforted like this? Since someone had actually promised to help him get home? Suddenly, he realized just how lonely the past two weeks had been. Being forced to act as though nothing was wrong, and that he didn’t desperately want to return home had taken a toll on him. His only release was late at night while sparring with Dream and George, but that only lasted for a few hours. The rest of the time, he had felt completely and desperately alone. So finally having the chance to actually talk to someone felt so relieving.

They sat like that for a long time. Exactly how long, Tommy wasn’t sure. By the time he finally moved, his tears had long since dried.

“So, where are you going to go?” Tubbo asked him.

Right. He had almost forgotten about his banishment. “I’m not sure. I might go and stay with Dream for a bit. I really don’t want to live alone for now.”

“That makes sense. Do you need help gathering your stuff together?”

“I mean, I didn’t exactly have much. But you can come along if you want. I wouldn’t mind the company.”

As the two friends walked back to the small wooden shed, Tubbo couldn’t help but go over the past two weeks in his mind. What he could have done differently. Things that he should have noticed. Ways he could have helped.

“Hey big T, you alright?” Tommy asked as they stepped inside the small building.

“Yeah I’m good. Just thinking.”

“Alright… let me know if you need anything, ok?”

“Yeah. Yeah I will. Thank you.”

~~~

About an hour later, Tommy and Tubbo found themselves knocking on the door of Dream’s base, each of them holding a chest full of items.

“Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, I know that you trust him, but our Dream did some really messed up stuff…” Tubbo muttered, feeling extremely uneasy about Tommy’s plan of staying with Dream. He knew that it was irrational, especially if Tommy was right about this being a different Dream, but that didn’t exactly do anything to help his anxiety.

“Yeah. I’m not sure what exactly the other Dream did to you guys, but this Dream is a really chill guy, I swear.”

“Ok… I trust you…” he didn’t feel totally sure, but he knew that he trusted his best friend. If Tommy trusted Dream, then so did Tubbo.

The door to the base creaked open, revealing a disheveled man behind it. Tubbo instinctively tensed, unable to shake the feeling of fear. However, a closer look at Dream made it pretty obvious that he wasn’t exactly dangerous. In fact, it looked as though he had just gotten out of bed. His blonde hair was a complete mess, as if he hadn’t been bothered to comb it. Dark circles rested underneath his eyes as he gave them a tired glare. “What do you want?” his voice was sluggish and drowsy.

“Ok I know this is- wait. Did you just wake up? Dude it’s like noon. Why the hell were you still sleeping?” Tommy asked, clearly trying to hold in a laugh.

“Oh I don’t know, maybe because I’ve been staying up until 3 am every day for the past two weeks training?” It was only then that he finally noticed Tubbo’s presence. “Uhhh I mean… Fuck. It's too early for this.” he ran a hand through his already messy hair.

“Yeah Tubbo knows by the way. Kinda the reason why we’re here.”

“Uhh, hi?” Tubbo gave a small little wave, trying to control the fear that was stirring in his gut.

“Jesus christ… alright come on in. You have a lot of explaining to do.”

About 10 minutes later, the three of them sat inside Dream’s base. In Dream’s hands was a vial of blue liquid. As Tubbo and Tommy watched, he poured a few drops into a small bottle of water. “Are you… Are you drinking a speed pot?” Tubbo asked, his voice quiet and nervous. He still didn’t want to anger Dream, despite Tommy’s reassurance that it was fine.

“It’s about the closest thing to coffee I’ve got here,” he said with a deadpan voice. Tubbo just stared at him in confusion.

“Coffee is something that people drink to help wake themselves up in our world. It's bitter and gross and I don’t understand how people like it,” Tommy explained.

“You’re just an uncultured child who doesn’t understand these things,” Dream said as he took a sip of the water.

“And you’re just a bitch,” he grumbled.

Dream rolled his eyes. “So what exactly happened? Why do you have all your stuff with you? Why does Tubbo know about what happened?”

Tommy launched into an explanation as to what had happened earlier that day. His breath caught as he explained what Wilbur had told him, and the way that he had been banished. It hadn’t really sunk in until just then what had happened, and the weight of it all was crashing down on him hard. His eyes started to water, but he hastily brushed away the tears. No. He had already cried enough today. He needed to be focused on a solution. Tubbo placed a hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him. Tommy gave his friend a grateful smile and pushed onwards.

By the time he had finished his story, Dream was looking at him in shock. “Wait so he actually kicked you out?”

“Yeah… Yeah he did.”

“Damn. Ok… I mean, yeah sure you can stay here if you need. Is Tubbo staying here as well?”

“Uh, n-no sir. I was just helping Tommy with his stuff…” He stammered.

Dream let out a laugh “Did you just call me sir? Wow, ok I didn’t realize I was that old”

Tubbo looked down in embarrassment. Right. This was a different person. He needed to remember that. His eyes were fixed upon the small pile of Tommy’s tools and weapons that was in the corner. “S-sorry…” He muttered. Suddenly, his eyes narrowed. “H-hey Tommy? Why is your bow blinking?”

“What?” Tommy’s eyes snapped to the pile. Sure enough, on the grip of his enchanted bow, was a small blinking red light.

~~~

“Dream, I need to ask you a few questions,” Wilbur said into his mic. He had just gotten off the phone with Tommy and Tubbo, and had decided to go directly to Dream for answers.

“Like what?” Dream said in a casual tone.

Despite everything, Will couldn’t help but feel a small sense of relief at his friends voice. It was the first time he had actually spoken to Dream since his disappearance, so hearing his voice again was definitely a weight off his shoulders. “What did you do to Tommy?” He asked, forcing his voice to be calm and even.

A brief pause. “What do you mean?”

Of course Dream would try to play dumb. Wilbur had expected it to be the case. He had prepared for it. “Tommy just told me and Tubbo exactly what happened. I simply want to hear both sides of the story.” Will figured that if Dream was cornered, he would have an easier time admitting to what happened.

Another pause, longer this time. Dream couldn’t help but chuckle to himself. A sadistic smile of excitement stretched across his face. “That little snitch…” he said quietly. “Alright, you know what? I’m feeling generous. You can tell Tommy that he’s got 48 hours before I make my move. 48 hours to try and figure out how to say goodbye.” A low, menacing laugh emerged from Wilbur’s speakers “I look forward to seeing his next course of action is”

“W-what? What the fuck are you on about?”

“The timer is ticking Wilbur. I recommend you start acting.” The call ended.

Wilbur sat in his chair for what felt like forever, trying to figure out what had just happened. Dream had been blackmailing Tommy. He had been threatening something, and Will had very likely just made him follow through with that threat. Fuck. He needed to tell Tommy. He needed to figure out the full story. Quickly, he went in and joined the private call with Tommy and Tubbo.

“Dream said you have 48 hours, Tommy wh- wait, why is Eret here?” He asked. Eret was quickly booted from the call by Tubbo.

“Sorry about that. Tommy wanted to talk with him. What’s up Wilbur?”

“I… I fucked up. I really fucked up. Tommy, I need you to tell me exactly what Dream did. And don’t you fucking dare tell me that you don’t remember.”

“What…? Wilbur what did you do? What did he say?” Tommy asked, his voice frantic. He was still shaken after the exchange with Eret, and Wilbur’s behavior wasn’t exactly helping.

“I don’t know! All he said was that you have 48 hours until he makes his move, and then he left. I figured you would know what he meant.”

“No… No no no this can’t be happening. Fuck…! Fucking hell do you have any idea what you just did Wilbur?! You just fucking killed them all! Everyone! He’s going to fucking kill them now because of you! Tubbo, Will, Fundy, all of them! Everyone I knew and loved is now going to die because of your fucked up curiosity!” He yelled. He couldn’t believe that it was actually happening. If only he had never followed Dream in the first place. Then, none of this would be happening. He would still be at home. His friends wouldn’t be in danger. Everyone would still be safe.

“Tommy, Tommy! Calm down!” Wilbur said, trying to keep up.

That only made the panic worse. Those were the exact same words that Wilbur had told Tommy when he had challenged Dream to the duel. The exact same words that had only served to fuel his rage and anger. All of that rage and anger came flooding back to him. “No! No I’m not going to calm down when the people I care for are about to die because of you! My fucking home is going to be destroyed in a few days because of you!”

“Tommy, no one is going to destroy your house. Take a deep breath”

“I’m not talking about this fucking house!! I’m talking about my world! The world that all of you treat like it’s a fucking game! Well guess what? It’s not a game. There are people living there. People who are just trying to live their lives. People who are sick of living in fear. People like me.”

A silence fell over the call as Tubbo and Wilbur processed exactly what their friend was saying. “What are you talking about…?” tubbo asked softly. His voice was filled with hurt and disbelief, as if he didn’t want to believe what his mind was telling him.

“Do I have to spell it out for you?! I’m not from this world, Tubbo! I’m not the same Tommy that you knew a month ago. That Tommy is gone. And because of you, he’s likely going to die.” He spat out. God, what was he doing? His friends were in danger and here he was, yelling at people that had done nothing but try to help and give support.

Wilbur gasped as the pieces clicked into place. Every strange action, each weird conversation from the past week came back to him. “You’re from the SMP, aren’t you?”

Tommy let out a cry of outrage “Don’t you fucking dare associate my name with the Dream SMP! I didn’t fight in a fucking war just to be grouped in with those bastards. I didn’t risk my fucking life for people to associate me with them!”

“Right, right. I’m sorry. You’re from L’manberg. Not the SMP. My mistake.” Will said immediately. The last thing that he needed was this other Tommy angry at him. Especially if what he said about their Tommy being in danger was true. “God, that makes sense. That makes so much sense. Oh my god that's why you freaked out over the clip of Eret!”

Tommy felt every muscle in his body tense at the name. “What you showed me was a walk in the park compared to what actually happened. He fucking drugged us all, and then Dream came out and taunted us. I still have nightmares about it…”

“Anyways! Maybe we shouldn’t talk about that right now!” Tubbo said hastily. He didn’t want his friend to have another PTSD episode, especially now that he knew why it was so bad. “You uh, you said that Dream was going to do something?”

“Yeah. Yeah I did. So… in this world, my world is just a game that you run on a server, right?”

“Yeah…?”

“It was the same in my world. The entire universe was connected to a single computer that Dream found. With the right command, it could do whatever he wanted. Change memories, create objects out of thin air, hell, even teleportation.”

“Which is how you managed to get here… right?”

“Exactly. Apparently the computer was connected with another computer that he found here. I think it belonged to the other Dream?”

“That makes sense… Dream hosted the server…”

Tommy took a deep breath. “He told me that if I… If I told anyone what had happened he would delete the server. And considering how everything else about my world and this server is connected, I’m about 99% sure that doing so would destroy my world, and kill everyone in it.”

~~~

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misssophiachase · 3 years

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Sequel for how to save a life please

Sorry for the delay nonnie. You got it, here goes...For anyone who didn’t read part 1 you can catch it on AO3 HERE - Let me know what you think.

In the last part Caroline showed up hungover for her first day as a surgical intern only to discover her drinking buddy and one-night-stand is none other than her attending and famed neurosurgeon, Dr Klaus Mikaelson.

Original Synopsis from nonnie’s prompt: Caroline as Meredith Grey and Klaus as Derek Shepherd.

How to Save a Life - part 2

Monday 6am

“I’m going to kill him,” she growled, holding her syringe precariously so it looked like she was cocking a firearm instead.

It had been a twenty-eight hour shift so far and she decided to blame it on that if they decided to report her for malpractice or for ‘accidentally’ killing an attending.

“Easy, tiger,” Kol offered, lowering her arm in the process. “I’m only an intern but maybe we should be conserving the life saving drugs for the actual patients. You know, just a thought.”

“Cute,” she drawled by way of response. Caroline wasn’t hungover this time, which was definitely a bonus, but it didn’t stop Doctor know-it-all from sharing his opinion more than a few times throughout her never-ending shift.

“No Dr Forbes, not that way Dr Forbes, listen carefully Dr Forbes,” he’d chide, except he sounded so sexy and authoritative when he called her Dr Forbes. And that was every shift, not just this one. If he didn’t have such a pretty face, she’d most likely slap him, even if it was frowned upon in the workplace.

“Trust me, I’ve been in your position too many times to count and letting him get to you is not the way to handle things,” Kol broke into her Klaus Mikaelson trance, which was probably a good thing.

But then his words caught her attention. Too many times to count? It was only day nine. What exactly had Kol done to earn his wrath in that short amount of time?

Caroline looked at him curiously, besides his first name she didn’t know much about her fellow intern, except the fact he liked to talk a lot when most people weren’t interested in hearing what he had to say. He’d also taken an instant liking to Bonnie which definitely hadn’t gone unnoticed.

“Who are you?”

“Just your friendly, fellow intern who has impeccable hygiene,” he offered, sending her his most dazzling smile. “And while we’re on the topic.”

“Of you having impeccable hygiene?”

“Yes,” he answered. Caroline, meanwhile, still had no idea where this was going. She consulted her watch to hurry him up given she knew how much he liked to talk. “I understand you have a room for rent and I happen to be looking for a place to stay.”

Obviously word of her mom’s large house had made the rounds. Yes, she’d been looking for a third roommate but didn’t expect it to be Kol. Given both Bonnie and Kat were living in her upstairs bedrooms, Caroline wasn’t so sure it was a good idea.

“Kol, now’s not the best time...”

“I can pay you three months of rent in advance and my share of the utilities?”

Now, that proposal caught her attention. Caroline needed money and fast. But at the same time who was this guy? And why did he have so much money to spare? Most of them were struggling to get by given the hefty school loans they had to repay.

Which brought her back to his proposal and how much she needed it. She’d just have to explain to Kat and Bonnie that she had no choice and surely they’d understand her dilemma. Well, hopefully.

“Okay, fine,” she relented. “But we’ll do it on a trial basis. Four weeks and, if that hygiene isn’t anything short of spectacular I’ll be kicking you out much sooner.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he saluted. Caroline figured most responsible people would interview someone and at least get one reference but she was far too distracted by the attending to focus on proper process.

As if on cue, Enzo was already bellowing at them from down the hall to get their asses into gear. Caroline wondered just what the patients must think of the spectacle.

“Hang on, what’s your last name?” She asked, thinking she should probably know that if they were going to be living together, but he was already making his way dutifully towards the sound of the dictator’s voice.

She’d get to the bottom of that once her shift was over. As well as drinking a much-needed glass of wine or six, her memories of that recent hangover after doing the nasty with the overbearing attending well and truly forgotten.

Until next time, of course.

“Nice of you to join us, Forbes,” he barked. “Dr Mikaelson has requested you join him at MRI.”

“Me?”

“I don’t think anyone else goes by that name, Forbes,” he growled, emphasising her surname for added effect.

“Maybe someone else could..” she could see Bonnie and Kat trying to silence her with their eyes. She wouldn’t hear the end of this after their shift.

“If you don’t get up there right now I’ll send you to do that enema. Remember Mrs Jones from last night? You know the patient that hasn’t...” Caroline didn’t need to be told twice given just what she’d have her hands elbow deep in.

“Took your time, Dr Forbes. I’m just glad this wasn’t an emergency.” He hadn’t even turned his head and was too busy consulting the on-screen images.

Rather than trying to explain herself and the fact she’d run from the ground floor ER to MRI in record time she decided to keep her thoughts to herself. Professionalism and all that, even if he was an ass.

She made her way by his side, trying to ignore just how good he smelled from this close proximity. It was a problem she’d experienced too many times to count.

“What do you see?” He asked, finally turning to look at her.

She was momentarily caught off guard given the way those navy scrubs brought out his eyes. Caroline closed her eyes briefly reminding herself that this was too important. This was work and he was her superior. Nothing else.

If only memories of their night together weren’t still so vivid and causing places to stir that really shouldn’t be stirring right now. Caroline was pretty certain if her mother was looking down on her right now she’d be extremely disappointed.

But she needed to concentrate for the patient’s sake.

“There seems to be a tumour in the left hemisphere of the cerebrum,” she noted, pointing to the screen.

“Can you tell if it is cancerous or benign?” She looked at it again closely wondering if he saw something she hadn’t, he was the neurosurgeon after all. It was too easy to second guess herself but Caroline knew she needed to own her diagnoses.

“I can’t tell from the scan.” She really hoped that was the right answer, especially given she’d been awake over 32 hours straight.

“So, based on that diagnosis, what is the required course of action, Dr Forbes?”

“Biopsy surgery.”

“And what does that entail?”

“Obtaining brain tissue samples to diagnose whether the tumour is cancerous or benign.”

“Good work, Dr Forbes,” he murmured. “I want you to scrub into the surgery.” Caroline looked at him incredulously. Trying to figure out if he had a motive but at the same time really hoping he didn’t.

“You deserve this,” he murmured kindly. Not like everything she’d experienced so far in his presence. “As much as I like to give you a hard time on the floor, you are a quick learner and you work hard. But, not gonna lie, that attitude needs some work.”

“Okay,” she replied quietly thinking the attitude was probably sexual frustration but didn’t want to share that with him. “But I fully expect you to tell me when I’m not doing a good job. I happen to be a lot more resilient than you think I am.”

“And that’s why I like you.”

Caroline decided she needed to leave the room quickly before she said or did something she might regret. Like throw her arms around him or kiss him. She was still learning how to deal with a superior she’d done the nasty with after all.

“I’ll see you in surgery,” she offered, walking out of the room, not bothering to respond or look back. She decided it was safer that way.

9 hours later...

“My butt cheeks have gone to sleep,” Kat groaned, her head hitting the bar. “I was tasked with just watching someone and that shit hurts, let me tell you.”

“Consider yourself lucky, Pierce, have you monetarily lost your hearing due to the wailings from the patient in 3A?” Kol shot back, tipping back a whiskey for his trouble.

“No, I was too busy trying to pretend I was professional during that x-ray of someone sticking random things up his, well you know what,” Bonnie shared, albeit quietly.

“You do realise you’re a surgeon and a doctor so anatomy is not a dirty subject...”

“Call it a professional courtesy,” she huffed.

“I think Bon Bon here is definitely in the wrong career, just saying.”

“If I needed your opinion Kol, I’d ask for it,” she growled.

“For the love of god, Kol,” Caroline groaned, swirling the red wine in her glass and trying not to fall into its hypnotic tendencies. “I’m barely alive here.”

“Says the girl who scrubbed into surgery today.”

This is what Caroline was worried about, the fact her friends would think it was blatant favouritism. She didn’t sign up for that. At least they didn’t about what happened with Dr Mikaelson and for that she was grateful.

“Yeah with Dr McYummy”

“Who?”

“It’s what all the nurses call him,” Kat shared. “I really think it could take off hospital-wide.”

Caroline wasn’t sure if she wanted it to and weirdly Kol seemed freaked out at the prospect too given his outraged expression.

“Or it could be one of those things that you accidentally blurt out during surgery. Like ‘here’s the scalpel, Dr McYummy’ and that’s just asking for trouble and a demotion for being unprofessional.”

Trust Bonnie to see the sense in it all.

“I’m with you Bonnie,” Kol offered. “Better we don’t equate any names with any of the attendings.” Seems like the two most expected to disagree had finally agreed on something. Hopefully that would soften the blow when Caroline decided to reveal they were all rooming together.

Caroline was still trying to get her head around everything she’d done the past ten hours, glad that she had a day off before her next shift to properly focus. And to finally get some sleep. Until it happened.

“Kol!” She looked up towards the sound.

“There goes my reputation,” her fellow intern muttered.

“Can I buy you a drink?” Caroline was trying to reconcile the intrusion in her half asleep state. But when Klaus approached their table she knew things were unfolding and not in a good way.

“And you wonder why I was so glad to move in with you,” Kol whispered before their attending appeared in all his glory. Something she wasn’t expecting and was trying to .

“So, you two know each other?” She asked, probably against her better judgment.

“Siblings,” Kol offered gingerly.

“And you two?” Klaus asked, his expression telling her he was trying not to show his jealously but killing his brother wouldn’t be out of the question.

“We live together.”

If this was supposed to feel awkward then it really did now.

#klaroline fanfiction #klaroline fanfic #klaroline #how to save a life #misssophiachase

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that-sw-writer · 4 years

Note

you asked for requests so i will deliver. reader is a stormtrooper or low ranking officer who has some form of elemental powera (fire or earth maybe) and hiding it so they don't get hurt and kylo finds out when they save him on a mission with them.

I love this idea and had a lot of fun writing it! I hope you this is the sort of thing you had in mind!

Word count: 1502

Warnings: mentions child trafficking and violence

The Elemental

There were four planets in the outer rim where the atmosphere and fauna allowed for powers to develop. Not like the force, these were things beyond both Jedi and Sith. To many people these powers were just legends.

Each planet boasted an element of nature, and every generation there was one born who could harness that element - whether it be water, fire, earth or air. They were known as Elementals. You lived on the molten planet, with masses of volcanic mountains and coursing rivers of lava. Within weeks of being born you had been hailed as the Elemental of your generation.

You could control, manipulate and even generate fire. You were destined to be the protector of your planet for a majority of your life, until the next protector was born and came of age to takeover the mantle.

However, things did not go to plan. A few years after your birth the First Order discovered your planet, hiding deep in the outer rim of the galaxy, and they stole many young away from their families to become members of their ranks.

You remembered virtually nothing of your time before being enlisted into the ranks of the First Order. You were programmed to remember nothing, but they could not erase who you were as easily as they could with everyone else. You recalled your mother, sobbing, as she told you to protect yourself, and not let them find out who, or what, you really were. That was just before a stormtrooper had torn you from her arms, despite all your protests. You had wanted to scorch the man who dared take your mother from you, but she had desperately told you not to.

Now, after so many years, you were the stormtrooper who had to steal young from their families. However recently that had changed.

When Supreme Leader Snoke was allegedly murdered by a scavenger girl who worked with the Resistance, Kylo Ren had taken over. He had halted the abducting of children, which you were silently grateful for. The man terrified you, but perhaps he was better than his predecessor at least.

You sometimes saw Kylo Ren walking down the halls, his cape billowing behind him. You wondered about the scar that split his face, where it had come from. He was also handsome, much younger than everyone had assumed when he still wore his mask. But you kept these thoughts extremely quiet, you had heard horror stories about how he could pry into people's minds and take what he wanted - you couldn't risk him reading your mind for fear of what he'd find.

All in all, you were loyal to the First Order. You didn't really know any different, and you had been a good solider throughout your years of service, receiving plenty of praise from your peers and captains.

Today your division was being sent out on a mission, and Supreme Leader Ren was leading it. You were nervous to say the least, being in the battlefield so close to the man who could read minds... what if he somehow found out about your power? There had been so many times you had forced yourself to show restraint with your powers, you had watched friends die before your eyes in the knowledge that you could have saved them, and you had to live with that every day.

"The mission is simple: stamp out the Resistance occupation on Athulla. This planet is allied with the First Order, and it is our duty to protect it from falling to rebel scum." Captain Phasma was briefing the troopers on their mission, and you stood amongst them, helmet already over your head.

"We are to follow Supreme Leader Ren's lead. You have your orders, follow them." She closed her speech and was met by a chorus of salutes from the troopers.

You kept your blaster raised as your ran out onto the planet surface, the sea of armoured troopers following their Supreme Leader and it wasn't long before you ran into heavy fire from Resistance troops.

The troopers scattered to find cover and begin counter firing, but Kylo Ren seemed to have no fear of blaster bolts, his crackling Lightsaber blade was swinging around and deflecting the bolts with ease.

You hit your targets almost every time. On many occasions you had been recommended for promotion within the ranks, but you were always adamant to remain a humble ground trooper. If you moved up the ranks then you assumed you would be less safe, you had conditioned yourself into thinking that if the First Order discovered your gift you'd be killed instantly.

When Supreme Leader Ren pushed forwards through the enemy lines you were all quick to follow his lead, running past the corpses of Resistance troops which now have scorching gashes running through them - no doubt a product of Kylo Ren's Lightsaber.

Within moments you were all overrun, and there were bodies of stormtroopers falling to the ground in agony all over the place. You backed up towards other troopers so you back could be protected, but you to your horror you bumped into the Supreme Leader.

Thankfully he couldn't see your facial expression when you turned to him in fear, but he accepted the situation and turned away to continue fending off the Resistance troops.

You fought back to back, but your comrades were dropping like flies and your lines of defence were falling, there was no way you were going to make it out of this alive.

Behind you the Supreme Leader was grunting in pain, it seemed as though a blaster bolt had struck him somewhere.

This was different to any other dilemma you had faced, now it was not only fellow trooper's lives at risk... it was yours, and the Supreme Leader's.

Without thinking, you pulled off your helmet and gloves, tossing them aside whilst your fellow troopers were still providing cover fire. Small wisps of your H/C hair fell into your face from where it had previously been tied back. You then grabbed the Supreme Leader's shoulder and he furiously turned to face you, but before he could open his mouth to inevitably scold you (or probably kill you), you yelled.

"Get down!" At your call the troopers around you trusted your word and immediately threw themselves to the ground. All except Kylo Ren.

Confusion crossed his face, but when he saw a flame combust from the palm of your hand his eyes widened and he did as you asked and ducked.

Your body flooded with heat, as if lava were flowing through your veins and you threw your hands out, erupting into a scorching blaze, the flames engulfed the surrounding Resistance troopers but shot over the heads of the First Order troopers on the ground. There were shrieks of pain as the poor soldiers met their end in the most painfully imaginable way. But this was war.

The flames soon subsided, and you withdrew your hands, crouching to the ground to catch your breath. It had been years since you had tapped into that power, and without your planet's natural atmosphere to draw from, it was exerting for you to use.

The battle was over just like that, and everyone was rising to their feet, trying to work out what had just happened. Eventually they turned to the source of the flames and saw you rising from where you had been crouched on the floor, your armour largely in tatters. Whereas your skin was perfectly inflammable, your clothes were not.

You felt a pair of eyes boring into the base of your head and you hesitantly turned around to see the Supreme Leader staring at you in disbelief.

"You're an Elemental." He pointed out, and you gulped as you nodded. He was clearly injured, but he wasn’t acting like it.

"I am." You hoarsely said, there was no hiding it anymore. "Please don't kill me." You quietly said, prepared to burn everyone here if they cornered you.

As if sensing your fear, Kylo raised a gloved hand towards you in a calming manner, "I'm not going to hurt you."

You were skeptical, this man was a known murderer. But he also had stopped child trafficking in the First Order and you had respected that. That didn't mean you could trust him though.

"Then what are you going to do?" You asked him, still defensive.

"You're wasted as a trooper. I can train you, use your power towards the success of the First Order." His hand turned over - he was offering you to take it. "Join me, and let me help you."

There were only two options in front of you: take Kylo Ren's hand and stay with the First Order, presumably as something more than stormtrooper, or set him and everyone else alight and run for your life.

The latter made your stomach turn, despite it all the First Order was all you knew, and many of these troopers were like brothers and sisters to you.

You reached forward and took his gloved hand, your hands still burning hot but he didn't flinch.

"Good choice." He remarked, and boy you hoped he was right.

It was time for a change.

#kylo ren x reader #kylo ren x you #kylo ren x y/n #kylo ren imagine

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purplesurveys · 3 years

Text

1236

survey by lasertine

10 How's

How did you get one of your scars? I keep recounting the story of my eyebrow scar, so I’ll share something else...I have several scars on both my knees since I was the neighborhood’s clumsiest kid and ALWAYS tripped/stumbled when I played outside. I used to be extremely insecure of my legs, but started to stop caring as I gradually noticed that no one really gives a shit about scars from childhood accidents.

How did you celebrate your last birthday? I went to work, being the workaholic I am. I only celebrated in the evening, when I bought a week’s worth of food for my family and I to feast on. I was honestly fine with it; it was exactly how I wanted my birthday to go as I’ve stopped wanting to make a big deal out of it haha.

How are you feeling at this moment? Weirdly relaxed for a Sunday. The gloomy and cozy weather is probably helping with that.

How did your night go last night? As a fangirl, good! Got lots of new content which is always fun. As a person (lol), it was just fine. I like being able to recharge on weekends and I can never really complain even if I don’t end up doing anything productive.

How did you do in high school? I was a bit all over the place. I exerted some level of effort in my favorite classes but didn’t really do the same for subjects I didn’t care for as much, like home ec, chemistry, math, etc; but on average I managed to get good grades all throughout. Overall, I kinda acknowledged very early on that high school grades weren’t going to matter in the real world so I didn’t make it a point to overexert myself and just focused on having fun and making fond memories in those teen years.

How did you get the shirt you're wearing? I got it from Artwork, a local brand that sells various apparel sporting designs produced by local artists. The branch I got it from has since shut down but I believe the brand is still alive and well.

How often do you see your best friend? I used to see Angela once in a blue moon mainly because our schedules always clashed back when we were still students, but ever since forming our little Army friend group with Reena I’ve been seeing her nearly every week.

How much money did you spend last month? LOL June was actually my worst and most shameful performance when it came to spending...let’s move on...

How old do you want to be when you get married? Kinda happen it would happen by the time I’m in between the ages of 28 and 30, kind of losing hope on it.

How old will you be at your next birthday? 24.

NINE What’s

What is the most important part of your life? I’ve said this several times but it’s really work. I’m aware of my weaknesses at my job and I want nothing more than to improve on those just because my perfectionist ass can’t bear being bad at something I’m supposed to be contributing to lol.

What did you do last weekend? Last Saturday I watched BTS’ concert in Sao Paulo and had my first session at my Korean class. Last Sunday I mostly chilled at home but I also went to Starbucks to work for a bit but to also just relax before the week started.

What did you last cry over? Watching Angela and Reena’s graduation ceremony this afternoon. It’s hilarious because I didn’t even cry during and was mostly indifferent towards my own grad, but I surprised myself by breaking into tears while watching theirs. I’m guessing the emotions simply welled up from me being very grateful for our friendship, which formed when I needed it the most.

What are you worried about? I always get Monday anxiety on Sundays, so let’s go with that.

What is your mother’s name? Abby.

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset? BTS, for one.

What would you rather be doing? It’s not a matter of what I would rather be doing, but where I would rather be. And right now, I wish I was back on a Friday evening with the weekend just about to start.

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other? Patience.

What did you have for breakfast? My mom cooked up a feast for today’s breakfast for no reason - we had fried rice, tocino, I think bangus(?) and if not bangus then it was some other kind of fish, corned beef, cheese omelette, glazed ham, bacon strips, and the leftover chicken wings from last night’s dinner.

EIGHT Have You’s

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb? I probably do something of the sort at least once a day.

Have you ever had sex on the beach? No. I think I might feel uncomfortable doing so, even if you told me it would be a private beach lol.

Have you ever been backstabbed by a friend? Yes.

Have you ever been out of the country? Yup, but it’s been a while. :( I haven’t traveled abroad since 2016.

Have you ever dated someone younger than you? It barely counts; she was only like a month and half younger.

Have you ever liked someone who already had somebody? That hasn’t happened.

Have you ever been brokenhearted? Of course.

Have you ever read an entire book in one day? Many times.

SEVEN Who’s:

Who is the last person you saw? My dad. He was watching the evening news in his room when I heard the report playing Permission to Dance so I rushed in there to see what the news was going to be about, hahahaha.

Who is the last person that you texted? ...also my dad. I was just asking him where he was since I had been craving chapaguri the other day and was gonna request if he can quickly pass by the Korean mart near our village. He never replied so I just cooked the instant noodles that we have at home, which in hindsight was I guess for the better because at least I got to save the money I would’ve paid him with.

Who called you last? The Lalamove driver I mentioned on the previous survey.

Who is the last person you hung out with? Angela, Reena, and Hans.

Who did you hug last? Angela, right before I left from her place last Tuesday.

Who is the last person that texted you? Not sure.

Who was the las person you said "I love you" to? Yumi, when I congratulated her on her graduation post.

SIX Where’s:

Where does your best friend live? The city next to mine.

Where is your favorite place to be? Either a coffee shop or our rooftop.

Where did you sleep last night? My bed.

Where did you last hang out? Mega with the three aforementioned friends.

Where do/did you go to school? UP.

Where did you last adventure to? ...Mega. So repetitive hahaha but I don’t really go out much these days for obvious reasons.

FIVE Do’s/Does:

Do you ever wish you were someone else? Not someone else in particular but I will sometimes daydream about having a different reality/situation, like being able to play an instrument or being more capable of affording more things.

Do you think anyone despises you? Possibly.

Do you like someone right now? Nopes.

Does the future scare you? It doesn’t scare me so much as it’s increasingly starting to make me feel lonelier whenever I start thinking about it.

Do you have any secret powers? Erm, no.

FOUR Why’s:

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)? They’ve both been there through the thick and the thin and the ugly with me and have never once left my side.

Why did your parents give you the name you have? As for both my names, they just liked the sound of them.

Why did you get a myspace? Because I noticed it was popular and I wanted to see what the fuss was about.

Why are you doing this survey? Countdown surveys are always a fun format.

THREE If’s:

If you could have one super power what would it be? Time travel.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you? If it comes down to it, as irresistible as it seems, probably not.

If you could live anywhere, where would it be? Somewhere with winter/snow.

Two Would-you-ever’s:

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love? I’m struggling to think how that can action save someone, but I guess if it ever does boil down to it then yeah, in a heartbeat. It grows back and if the situation was that drastic, hair would be the least of my concerns.

Would you ever get back together with any of your exes if they asked you? Depends.

Last one:

Are you happy with how your life has turned out? Very.

#survey #surveys

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astudyinfreewill · 4 years

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Something Wicked This Way Comes: or, the Rising Dark in Ronan’s Arc

as some of you may know because i never shut up about witch!adam i’ve been convinced for a while now that adam would go darkside in the dreamer trilogy. what i did not predict however, was that ronan is probably headed down a dark path himself. i thought the basic premise of the trilogy would have ronan in danger from both the nightwash and the zed hunters (which obviously still applies; he is very much in danger from those things), and adam striking some sort of dark bargain in an attempt to protect him. but after reading cdth, i think things might be about to take a more sinister turn.

so here are some thoughts i’ve been poring over, under a cut for length. what can you expect? well, there’s rambling! there’s bullet points! there are lyrics-inspired section headings! (we have fun around here.)

let’s start with the obvious, shall we?

1. “The Sandman, He Comes”

so...bryde.

we don’t know much about bryde - who or what he is, how he’s able to infiltrate ronan’s dreams, whether he can do it to other dreamers too, why he didn’t want to reveal himself, what’s his agenda - but what we do know is that ronan trusted him very, very fast. suspiciously fast, in fact. fast enough that adam remarks on it in chapter 39: “earlier today you had a gun on me. i’m just asking you give him the same shake as me”.

to clarify: in the previous chapter, ronan was shaken enough to hold a gun to adam, the love of his life, and not lower it even when he feels reasonably sure it’s him; yet it never occurs to him in the book to question bryde or his motives. when adam says he wants scry to try and get more info on him, ronan seems almost annoyed by adam’s wariness (ronan narrowed his eyes. “don’t gimme that look, ronan”) to which adam replies, understandably, that it’s only fair ronan holds a complete stranger to the same safety standards as his own boyfriend, at least.

but why shouldn’t ronan trust bryde (apart from the fact that he has no information about him whatsoever)? well, bryde’s behaviour is pretty damn shady, and extremely reminiscent of the ways that a cult leader might try to recruit people to his cause. @deerlovelylily discussed it very eloquently in this post, but just to recap:

bryde is able to access ronan’s dreams at will, including interacting with objects from them: he had the hoverboard at the end, and he knew exactly what was on the stomach of the murder crabs. (@streghe had a very clever suggestion that there’s a nonzero chance bryde actually caused the crabs to manifest in the dorm, since ronan barely saw them in the dream; why would bryde do that? well, to make sure ronan was cut off from adam, his real life support system and, coincidentally, a psychic who doesn’t trust bryde)

there is considerable evidence that he can access ronan’s memories/other parts of his subconscious as well, since he knows a lot more about his waking life than he should, constantly referencing people and events from it (as well as obviously knowing where ronan is/what he’s up to, which is very stalkerish in itself)

bryde uses this knowledge to manipulate and influence ronan through the words of people in ronan’s life. in ch. 58 he asks ronan “are you going to be quiet?”, which we know from trk is what niall used to say to the brothers before telling them a story. in ch. 43, he talks about the “emotional costs” of saving someone’s life, mirroring almost exactly the words of warning adam had told ronan in ch. 33 (“there’s such thing as an emotional cost”). adam was warning ronan about trusting bryde too easily, and we know ronan values adam’s opinion; by repeating adam’s words to him bryde is pulling a see, i can’t possibly have shady motives, because i am acknowledging the same risk adam warned you about.

that’s far from the only manipulative thing bryde does. his behaviour constantly alternates between praising ronan, guilting him, taunting him, and ordering him about.

in ch. 43 he tells ronan he’s “the most expensive thing he’s ever saved”, reinforcing the idea that A) ronan is special, B) bryde cares about him, and C) it cost him a lot to save ronan so ronan should feel grateful/guilty/indebted to him. he does this knowing full well that ronan isn’t going to doubt his motives for saving him, because ronan himself - brave boy that he is - has just told him he would save a dreamer without any questions asked.

bryde never shows himself to ronan until the very end, which has the combined effects of keeping him in the dark/at a disadvantage, and making him more intrigued by bryde’s mystery; at the same time, he constantly asks ronan to prove himself and earn the dubious privilege of finally meeting him (“next box”)

bryde promises things that he knows ronan wants: first and foremost, understanding of his dreamer powers; second, a community, by hooking him up with other dreamers (ronan’s been asking what am i, why isn’t there anyone like me, am i the only one? for a long time); last but not least, he heavily hints that he can free dreams from their dreamers, something ronan is desperate to do in order to give matthew his freedom

on more than one occasion, bryde gives ronan direct orders: “scrub [the word ‘real’] from your vocabulary”; “i don’t want you to think this ever again: it was just a dream”. and ronan obeys him, or is at least very affected by it. where he at first questioned whether his dreams of bryde were real, now he questions reality (e.g. holding a gun to his very real boyfriend and asking himself what is real?); in ch. 24 he thinks about the words just a dream and how bryde “had forbidden him from ever saying them again”. since when does ronan follow orders? who is bryde to “forbid” him to do anything?

bryde constantly deploys examples Us VS Them rhetoric, creating a schism between dreamers and humanity, magic and humanity. we know (and bryde probably knows) ronan has always struggled with not feeling human and not knowing what he is; that he deeply wants to be able to fit into the real world. what bryde is effectively saying is no, you’re not human, in fact humans and magic are enemies, and the real world is not for you... unless you can shape it to your will.

to me, bryde’s spiels sound very... dreamer-supremacist, for lack of a better term. at the moment, dreamers are oppressed by the moderators, so they’re right to rebel; but there’s an emphasis on dreamers being more powerful than anyone else, and what they could do with that power. it kind of reminds me of magneto re: mutants in the marvel universe. and i think that is the direction he’s headed in: separate ronan from his human family and escalate the conflict between humans and dreamers much further than simple self-defense from the moderators.

there’s plenty of reasons to be mistrustful (if not outright skeeved the fuck out), right? so why does ronan trust bryde? well, several reasons.

2. “On The Right Side Of Rock Bottom”

ronan is at the lowest that he’s been since tdt. it’s better and worse at the same time -- in a way, it’s worse because it’s better. in tdt, ronan was deeply in denial about himself and the things he wanted; now he knows what he wants (a happy life with adam) and can’t go after it, trapped at the barns. in tdt, ronan was suicidal; now he wants to live, and so of course his life is threatened on all sides, internally by the nightwash, externally by the moderators.

through all of trc, one of ronan’s main goals was to return to the barns, feeling like his key to happiness was in his childhood home. but as it turns out (and as i suspected all along), being stuck alone and isolated on a dream farm surrounded by eerie sleeping things and a handful of incredibly traumatic memories of his dead parents isn’t as fulfilling as ronan imagined. to make things worse, he’s created a security system for the barns that causes him to relive his fears and traumas over and over (ronan for the love of God, why would you dream something like that). his brothers live in DC, which is close, but not that close -- and though he’s mending fences with declan, they still are somewhat at odds. his best friends, gansey and blue, are travelling the country with henry, and we know from the opal story ronan misses them and feels left behind. at the start of cdth he tries to escape by following adam to cambridge -- and that immediately goes pear-shaped, whether by accident or, as said above, by sabotage.

now ronan is truly alone, cut off from visiting adam, living with the guilt of wrecking his dorm and the self-loathing following the fact that adam had to tell people he’s, essentially, an unstable drunk (the place he actually was at in tdt). it feels like the progress has been erased. this is the first time since tdt ronan has hit rock bottom, and cdth tells us he sinks into depression, staying in bed for days, not showering or changing, eating expired food. he thinks of a life trapped at the barns alone doing nothing, and feels understandably suffocated. all the more so because it feels like everyone else is moving on - declan has his own life, gansey/blue/henry have their adventures, and adam... well, adam is growing up, which ronan feels he himself can’t do. this comes up at several points in the book: in ch. 5 ronan doesn’t recognize adam, noting he’s “growing from something beaten down into whoever he was supposed to be”, but finds it ridiculous that adam doesn’t recognize him because he’s still the same: “adam was changing; ronan couldn’t.” later, in ch.23, he notes that he often dreams of adam as older/more adult, while ronan himself is stuck in arrested development.

essentially: ronan is stuck. so of course, any lead that comes up - whether that’s mór ó corra, the new fenian, hennessy, or bryde, is going to make him reckless and ready to risk everything, because anything is better than being buried alive at the barns.

3. “Guilty, On the Run, And I Know What I Have Done”

remember how i said ronan hits rock bottom at the start of the book? well, it’s time to grab a shovel and keep digging, because then there’s the matthew thing.

so... we learn very early on in the book (in case we didn’t already know from trc) that ronan feels deeply torn about his dreaming. he loves to create, but feels guilty about creating life, because that feels like an act of hubris against God to him. and he feels especially guilty about creating matthew, because that means A) that matthew’s safety and life depend on ronan’s, and B) that matthew essentially has no free will, something that’s very important to catholic morals.

the moment matthew figures out he’s a dream-thing, and calls ronan out on lying to him, ronan is dropped into a fiery pit of shame, guilt, and self-loathing (and we already know that all of ronan’s emotions which are not happiness manifest as anger). he remains despondent even in dreams, and essentially, refuses to deal with matthew’s hurt and disappointment. which on one hand is justified, because he has ~Dramatic Dreamer Developments~ happening; but on the other hand, he’s essentially avoiding responsibility towards his brother, lashing out at declan in needlessly mean ways when declan tries to get him to be there for matthew (“dad’s working, sweetie”... really?). it’s a kind of pettiness that ronan hasn’t displayed in a while, and it speaks to me of his own restlessness and self-loathing more than anything.

we already know ronan feels alone, frustrated, isolated, scared, trapped -- now he also feels guilty on top of it all, and it just redoubles his determination to free matthew (something bryde has hinted he can do, knowing the power it would have on ronan). this is ronan at his worst, and we see it not just in how dismissive he is of declan, but in how he treats hennessy in chapter 67. he wants hennessy to dream up the lace, so he can show her how to stop dreaming of it (which in itself is dangerous, since lindenmere can manifest dreams, and in fact it ends up almost killing hennessy). but he gets absolutely furious when hennessy can’t dream properly -- because she’s, you know, kind of stuck on the slightly traumatic memory of witnessing her mom killing herself in front of her. it’s something you’d expect ronan to have sympathy for, seeing as he’s witnessed both of his parents’ violent deaths. instead, he’s impatient, snappy, insisting hennessy isn’t trying hard enough -- and downright cruel, shooting hennessy’s clone before her eyes, then trying to force her to shoot herself (especially relevant when you remember the church scene in bllb, and how shaken ronan was at having to kill a copy of himself).

this new ronan, it seems, has reached rock bottom and then some, and he’s got no time for empathy anymore. we see this in the metaphor of lindenmere, a darker, scarier, more dangerous version of cabeswater (i.e. trc ronan), because “dangerous things can protect themselves”. we see this once again at the end, when he assumes his sundogs have torn someone apart limb from limb and he feels absolutely no regret, only rage. yes, matthew was in danger... but kavinsky also tried to kill matthew in tdt, and ronan still didn’t feel like he could kill kavinsky in cold blood. this is a new, darker ronan, brought to this point by desperation. he reminds me a lot of anakin in the prequel star wars movies (i know, i know...) and how he let his fear lead him to the dark side by trusting a powerful, shady mentor that he should never have trusted. how does it go? “fear leads to anger, anger leads to hatred, hatred leads to suffering.” and suffering leads to - or maybe is the dark side.

4.“Holding Out For A Hero”

still, you might say, why is ronan falling for bryde’s manipulation so easily? can he not see through it? how can he trust someone he doesn’t know, someone who refuses to be upfront with him? someone his psychic boyfriend with an uncanny character judging skills is understandably wary of?

in short... ronan needs a hero.

or well, he needs a father, and those things are the same to him. ronan idolised niall, and he’s missed him terribly ever since niall diad. he missed him badly enough that he wanted to die for a very long time. now he’s coming to terms with the fact niall isn’t coming back, and not just that, but it turns out that niall might not be everything ronan thought he was (ronan hasn’t fully realised it yet, but he’ll get there; he’s starting to put the pieces together, from what declan and other people tell him of niall).

but if he accepts that niall’s gone, and worse, that niall wasn’t the infallible hero ronan thought he was... who has he got left to guide him? niall wasn’t just his father, either, but he was the only dreamer ronan knew for the longest time (the only other one was kavinsky, who sexually assaulted him and tried to kill his brother, so... not a great example) and yet he didn’t give ronan any guidance. and ronan needs dreamer guidance right now, with the nightwash threatening to kill him at every step.

enter bryde, promising all that and more. bryde’s not only a dreamer, he comes across like the alpha dreamer, ancient and powerful and all-knowing. he promises ronan tantalising answers, and even more importantly than that, he promises him community -- other people like him, so he won’t feel alone, so he won’t feel like a freak or an abomination; it has not yet occurred to ronan that (as maggie said in her video explaining the art/creation metaphor of the series) not all dreamers are equal: they don’t share the same skills or motives.

ronan is desperate for what bryde is promising, for that kind of guidance in his life. all throughout the book, there is a lot of talk of heroes: ronan was raised on stories of the irish heroes of old, who accomplished amazing feats even though they were held back by geasa (magical weaknesses like his nightwash). ronan constantly thinks of these folk stories, while excluding himself from it (“ronan was no hero, but he knew fucking right from fucking wrong”). and how does he describe bryde when he finally sees him in ch. 79? yep, you guessed it:

“he looked like a man who didn’t have to posture, who knew his strength. he looked like a man who didn’t lose his temper very easily. he looked, ronan thought, like a hero.”

ronan -- who is always posturing, who doesn’t know his own strength, who loses his temper very easily, who doesn’t think he’s a hero -- sees bryde as everything he’s not. and he’s willing to show him the same faith and devotion he once showed niall, because he needs a hero, a father, a teacher.

but i don’t think bryde is going to be the hero. i think ronan is going to be. there’s some early foreshadowing of this with ronan being depicted as “a gallant irish hero of old” while he kills the crabs (more posturing, really) but actually, we’ve known this all the way since trk, with niall asking declan to make sure that “ronan was the name of the hero, not the spear”; dreamers are weapons, but they don’t have to be. being a hero, ultimately, is about knowing fucking right from fucking wrong. and i believe ronan does.

but before he gets to be the hero, he’ll have to be the spear. and right now? he’s a spear in bryde’s hand.

we know a dreamer is supposedly going to bring about the apocalypse through fire; we know ronan and fire have always been associated; we know bryde hates the modern world and would like to reboot it; we know bryde has selected ronan as his chosen one, for whatever reason.

when you connect the dots, they spell a whole lot of trouble.

#ronan lynch #bryde #cdth #cdth meta #dreamer trilogy meta #mp #i could go on and on and on (and i have)#but i gotta post this now bc i need to get back to work #what a trip this book is though #much to think about #hmmm #dt #meta #cdth spoilers #my meta #swtwc

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insanityclause · 4 years

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Coriolanus is a play that’s more respected than revered. Why does it have a rather difficult reputation? Coriolanus is relentless, brutal, savage and serious, but that’s why I find it interesting. Shakespeare sets the play in ancient Rome: a far older place than the Rome more familiar to us – of Julius Caesar or Antony and Cleopatra or the later Empire. This Rome is wild. A city-state wrestling with its identity. An early Rome of famine, war and tyranny.

In the central character, Caius Martius Coriolanus, Shakespeare shows how the power of unchecked rage corrodes, dehumanises and ultimately destroys its subject. I’ve read that some find Martius a hard character to like, or to relate to – less effective at evoking an audience’s sympathy than Hamlet, Romeo, Juliet, Rosalind, Othello or Lear. Yet there is a perverse integrity and purity to be found in his obstinacy and honour, which sits alongside his arrogance and contempt.

The play’s poetry is raw and visceral, quite different from the elegance, beauty, clarity and charm found elsewhere in Shakespeare’s work. The warmth and delight to be found in his comedies are absent here. But the unstinting seriousness and intensity of the play is what makes it fascinating.

youtube

How well did you know the play? I didn’t know it well. I had seen an early screening of Ralph Fiennes’s terrific film adaptation at the Toronto film festival in September of 2011. I was fascinated by the visceral intensity of the play: the power, hubris, and force of the title character; its lasting political resonance; and the immediacy and profundity of the familial relationships, particularly between mother and son – Volumnia and Martius – which struck me as perhaps the most intense and psychologically complex presentation of that bond I had come across in Shakespeare.

What drew you to Coriolanus as a character? I was fascinated by the evolution of Martius/Coriolanus as a character through the play. His arc is purely tragic. He begins the play as Rome’s most courageous warrior, is quickly celebrated as its most fearsome defender, then garlanded by the Senate and selected for the highest political office.

His clarity of focus, fearlessness and ferocity of spirit, all qualities that make him a great soldier, undo him as a politician. His honesty and pride forbid him from disguising his contempt for the people of Rome, whom he deems weak, cowardly and fickle in their loyalties and affections. He cannot lie. “His heart’s his mouth / What his breast forges that his tongue must vent.” He becomes a tyrant, branded a traitor, an enemy of the people: an uncontained vessel of blistering rage. He is banished, changed “from man to dragon”. Joining forces with his sworn enemy, Aufidius, he plots revenge against Rome: “There is no more mercy in him than there is milk in a male tiger.” And then finally, at the very end, as he watches his own mother, wife and son kneel at his feet and beg for his mercy, he reveals – beneath the hardened exterior of contempt – a tenderness and vulnerability not seen before.

That shift, from splenetic warrior to merciless “dragon” to “boy of tears”, fascinated me – and the fact that his intransigence, valour and vulnerability all seem to be located in, and released by, his complex attachment to his mother.

How does this play about politics and people resonate in today’s society? The play raises the question as to how much power should reside in the hands of any individual: a question that will never go out of date. “What is the city but the people?” cries the people’s tribune, Sicinius (in our production, brilliantly played by Helen Schlesinger). The people must have their voices. And, beneath that, I think the play also raises another complex question as to what degree any individual can withstand the intensity of idealisation and demonisation that comes with the mantle of unmoderated leadership or extraordinary responsibility.

It’s a physical role – how did you prepare for it with fight director Richard Ryan? Josie Rourke and I knew it was important to the clarity of the play that Martius be credibly presented as a physical presence. As a warrior, we are told, he “struck Corioles like a planet”. Big boots to fill. Hadley Fraser, who plays Aufidius, and I began working with Richard Ryan three months before we started full rehearsals on the text of the play. The fight between Martius and Aufidius is a huge opportunity to explore their mutual obsession (“He is a lion that I am proud to hunt”).

We also hoped there would be something thrilling about presenting it at such close quarters in the confined space of the Donmar. We wanted to create a moment of combat that was visceral, brutal and relentless. We knew it would require skill, safety and endless practice. The fight choreography became something we drilled, every day. Hadley was amazing. So committed, so disciplined. It created a real bond of trust between us.

You previously starred in Othello at the Donmar. What’s special about that space? The Donmar is one of the most intimate spaces in London. I must have seen at least a hundred productions there over the last 20 years, and as an audience member it always feels like a thrill and a privilege to feel so close to the action. There’s a forensic clarity to the space: the audience are so close that they see every movement, every look. For actors, there’s nowhere to hide. That’s exciting.

It’s what makes the Donmar special: the closeness, the proximity. Hard to imagine in the wake of Covid-19. Theatres everywhere need all the support they can get. But that’s what’s encouraging about National Theatre at Home. It’s keeping theatre going, but it’s also a reminder that the sector will need real support to stay alive: from the government and from us, the people who love and cherish it.

There is a rather bloody shower scene – what are your memories of that moment? I remember that the water was extremely cold. But I was always grateful, because the preceding 20 minutes – scurrying up ladders, down fire escapes, into quick changes and sword fights – had been so physically intense that the cold water felt like a great relief. Martius says to Cominius just moments beforehand: “I will go wash / And when my face is fair you shall perceive / Whether I blush or no.” So I washed.

The scene did have a thematic significance. So much of the play, and the poetry of the play, is loaded with references and characters who are obsessed by the body of Martius as an object: how much blood he has shed for his city; how many scars he bears as emblems of his service. His mother, Volumnia (in our production played with such power and clarity by Deborah Findlay), says in a preceding scene that blood “more becomes a man than gilt his trophy”. Later, during the process of his election to the consulship, to the highest office, Martius is obliged by tradition to go out into the marketplace and display his wounds, in a bid to court public approval; to win the people’s voices. Martius refuses, in contempt for both practice and people.

In the shower scene, Josie wanted the audience to be able to see the wounds that he refuses to show the people later on, but we also wanted to suggest the reality of what those scars have cost him privately. We wanted to show him wincing, in deep pain: that these wounds and scars are not some highly prized commodity, but that beneath the exterior of the warrior-machine, idealised far beyond his sense of his own worth, is a human being who bleeds.

It’s an intense performance, in a three-hour play. How did you unwind after the show? My first thought is that I was always unbelievably hungry. Thankfully, Covent Garden is not short of places to buy a hamburger. I will always be grateful to all of them.

How did you modify your performance for the NT Live filming? The whole production for NT Live was very much the same as it was every night during our 12-week run. Naturally, as a company, we couldn’t help but be aware of cameras on all sides, especially in a space like the Donmar. We were all so grateful that the National Theatre Live team had come over the river to the Donmar. I always hoped the broadcast would capture the headlong intensity of the whole thing. The play opens with a riot, and does not stop.

What have you been watching during lockdown? I was gripped, moved and inspired by The Last Dance, the documentary series about Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls in the mid-90s (Steve Kerr!). Normal People for its two extraordinary central performances from Paul Mescal and Daisy Edgar-Jones. I’ve rewatched old tennis matches, which somehow I have found very comforting: in particular, the 2014 Djokovic/Federer Wimbledon final. And – because we all need cheering up – Dirty Dancing.

#Tom Hiddleston #Coriolanus #interview #National Theatre at Home

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sincerelyreidburke · 3 years

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ooh also 4 for Bri and Reid because I love them

Friends! Romans! Countrymen! ARE YOU READY for some good shit?!?! I say this because this is my very first time writing Reid/Bri! I mean, they’ve been in the background a few times in drama club stuff, but I’ve never actually gotten to focus on them. Toby enables me, because xe loves me.

“Who’s Bri?” Reid’s girlfriend!

In today’s episode of prompts, you will get a glimpse into Reid’s post-graduation life! If you want to read more about what’s in store for him after Kiersey, you can check out this post. And even this one, too, if you’d like.

Here, you’ll see a Reid two years removed from graduation and a little down on his luck. You also finally get to see inside his brain. *Slaps hood of Reid Burke* This bad boy can fit so much mental illness in him.

From this list of sappy prompts, which I am still accepting and filling as we speak!

4. “Shut up and kiss me.”

two years after (reid's) graduation | may

Reid considers himself spectacularly efficient when it comes to fucking things up.

He knows this. Has always known it. He figures it’s a good thing to be self-aware, at least. He’s probably one of the more self-aware human beings to ever have a conscience, come to think of it, given the amount of time he spends policing his own every action. But still. There has to be some benefit in being so well aware of your own flaws that you can constantly predict your fuck-ups before they even happen. It’s like damage control when the damage hasn’t even set in.

Anyway. Reid knows he’s good at fucking up. But if there’s one thing he would really prefer not to fuck up, it’s Bri’s birthday.

Easier said than done.

When midnight strikes on the day she’s turning 24, he’s not even home, which is the first reason he feels guilty and useless. He’s at work, apron around his waist, tie done up too tight, sneaking glances at the clock across the room in between customers and refills. He wishes he had his phone on him, as the minute hand lines up with the second hand at the 12. He could at least text her. He could make up for the fact that he’s not there in person, to ring in the first moments of the day. But his phone is in the back, in his locker, because this is the best-paying place he works at, and he doesn’t want to risk his employment by getting caught with a phone by his manager. Or worse, a nosy customer, who will subsequently rat him out to his manager, and, well— yeah. Not to mention the fact that it’s usually so fast-paced in the bar that there’s no time to check your phone anyway.

The point is. He wishes he could text Bri. But he can’t. It’s probably for the best. She’s probably not even awake. It would actually be bad if she were awake. A healthy sleep schedule is something she deserves.

Actually, she deserves a lot. The entire world. A lot more than Reid has ever been able to give her, and there isn’t a day that goes by when his brain fails to remind him of that particular fuckup in his life thus far. But tonight, he shouldn’t think in huge terms. Tonight, he should just worry about her birthday.

Man, he wishes he were home in bed.

The strike of midnight, although it provides something to focus on, isn’t even the sign of his shift nearing an end, because the bar doesn’t close until 2:30, and the latter two and a half hours of work wind up passing by even more slowly than the beginning of his shift did. When he finally sees his last customer out, after last call, and he’s the only lonely, lingering person in the place— then, the end is in sight. He has closing chores ahead of him, but at least he doesn’t have to wait around to go home anymore.

It’s nothing that out of the ordinary, really, to be working this late. Between three jobs and sneaking in open mic nights between them any chance he can, he can’t remember the last time he had a night entirely off. Or a day, honestly, and tomorrow— or today, since it’s past midnight— isn’t any exception. He has the lunch shift at the street diner he works at, and the jury’s still out as to whether he’s going to bag his shift at the second bar he works at tomorrow night.

All of this is to say: he’s working a lot. Which is fine. Work means money, which means staying alive, especially with the New York cost of living he’s gotten used to since they moved here after graduation. It’s a necessary part of life. He just wishes life could stop, for one day, so he could do this right. So he could at least give her something, to make up for all the areas in life where he’s lacking. Where he’s an extremely underwhelming excuse for a future husband.

And, look— he did actually get her a present, so that’s not the issue here. It’s more the lack of time. It’s more the overwhelming sense that, despite her stability, despite the fact that she’s stuck with him for six years, he doesn’t deserve this patience, and that one day she might finally come to her senses and decide that she doesn’t feel like waiting around while he slums it in New York and tries to make it big, that she wants, like, a normal life, with a partner who makes a salary and a house or at least an apartment with more than one room and, like, basic predictability and success—

Ugh.

For now, for this very early morning, he won’t think about all of that, no matter how much it rings in his ears as he cleans up and closes the bar. For now, he just wants to make sure Bri has the most perfect morning possible. And to do that, he has a checklist.

Step one: finish work. He considers that done as he locks the front door of the bar, and steps out onto the street. It’s kind of breezy but not exactly cold out, since Bri’s birthday marks the last day of May, and summer is pretty much here. It’s not really busy outside on the street, but he’s not the only one out, either. Rule number one of New York City: you are literally never the only person out and about, no matter what time of day it is.

Step two: the bodega. It’s on his walk, open twenty-four hours, and he stops there so often at weird hours of the night after work shifts that he’s established a rapport with the cashier who works the red-eye shift. “Eyyyyyy,” he sings, as he swings through the door into the small, artificially lit space. “What’s up, Charlie? You working hard, or hardly working?”

Actually, it’s not so much a rapport. It’s more that he’s constantly the loudest customer who graces this place between the hours of midnight and four in the morning, and Charlie probably hates him, but still tolerates his presence. So.

He needs flour, half a dozen eggs, a tied-up bunch of yellow and white flowers, and rainbow sprinkles. He also slides three Red Bull onto Charlie’s till, and then grins across the counter to remark, “The necessities.”

Charlie grunts or maybe chuckles, and scans his stuff. “Right.”

Step three: get home and get to work.

It’s, like, six minutes on foot from work to the bodega, and then four more to the subway stop, and then the subway is a whole host of issues that land him back at the apartment building around 3:30 in the morning. Bri’s alarm goes off at 6:30 for work, and he figures he can intercept her for a proper birthday breakfast before she goes to the gallery. Given that he kills one of the Red Bull from the bodega while he’s in transit to get home, he is at least ninety percent confident that there’s no point in not pulling an all-nighter.

It’s fine. He’s not even tired. He has stuff to do, anyway.

The apartment is dark when he gets in, and he tries to make the smallest amount of noise, which, when you think about it, is kind of pointless because it’s only one room and any noise he makes could count as a disturbance, but— but— Bri isn’t a light enough sleeper to wake up at that kind of stuff. A fact he is grateful for. So he puts the bag of groceries down, gently, on the counter, and turns the light on over the sink while he loosens his tie. Or more like yanks it off. The uniform at that job is seriously not his style, but you take what you can get.

Across the room, where their bed is tucked up into the corner, Bri is asleep. Thank Christ. He would be concerned if she weren’t. While he gets out of his work clothes, he looks at her in bed— she’s peaceful, and looks comfortable, and he kind of wants for a second to just crawl into bed with her, but if he does that, he’ll never get anything done in time, and she’ll wake up to a normal old morning. With nothing special. On her birthday.

She doesn’t deserve that.

When he’s finished changing, it’s 3:41 Apple time. The morning is young. He sneaks a kiss to the top of her head and pulls the covers a little higher over her shoulders, then slides across the room in his socks, back to the kitchen side of the apartment.

Sure, he’s great at fuck-ups. But he’s not going to let this one be a bust.

It’s a quick three hours.

He blames executive dysfunction. Time passes too quickly when he’s on a crunch, literally every time. He starts with her card, which he bought a few days ago— writes it out, seals it into its envelope, and weighs it down with the corner of one of her vases, which he fills with water and puts the flowers in. It’s glass-blown, psychedelic colors; she made it in the glass studio junior year at Kiersey, and it followed them to New York.

With that done, he gets all his ingredients out for breakfast. He can’t start cooking at 4 in the morning, but he can get ready— a bowl out on the counter, their one good frying pan on the griddle, dry ingredients for pancakes measured out. He’s not the most versatile cook in the world, but he makes a mean Kraft Dinner, and this, too, he can do— birthday cake pancakes. With sprinkles. It’s Bri’s favorite breakfast.

He doesn’t know how it winds up being 6:30. He loses time, doing all of this and also nothing at all. He’s two and a half Red Bull deep, mixing up the actual pancake batter, when Bri’s alarm tone across the room pulls him out of his haze.

“Shit,” he hisses, and nearly knocks over his frying pan. It’s 6:30 already? The kitchen is a mess, and he’s been stuck in the distractible part of his brain for the better half of the past two hours, and now he looks like he’s made a huge mess, and—

The alarm stops going off, and he hears the mattress shift. He’s rinsing off the questionable spatula he’s been using to mix the batter in the sink when he hears her voice. “Babe?”

“Hey— hey, good morning.” He turns, and puts his back to the counter, like it’ll hide the actual disaster he’s created. “Happy birthday,” he adds. “Did you sleep okay?”

Bri is sitting up halfway in bed, and she doesn’t answer his question. “What are—” She yawns, and holds a hand to her mouth, which is really fucking cute, the way her eyes get all wrinkled up like this, and he just— loves her, and wishes he weren’t so useless, wishes he could give her the world. When she finishes her sentence, her voice is raspy. That’s cute, too. “What’re you doing over there?”

“I’m, uh.” And busted. He might as well own up to the mess. “Well, I realize now that it looks like a bomb went off in here, but don’t worry; I’ll fix it. I was just— well, breakfast. I’m making breakfast. But it’s not ready yet. It will be. Promise.” He lets all his breath out at once, then tries a grin. “But did you? Sleep okay?”

Again, she doesn’t answer the question. Instead, she swings her legs off the side of the bed, and gets up to walk across the room. He meets her halfway, as she’s combing back her hair, a blonde, wavy, bedhead-y and beautiful mess. She’s in pajama shorts and a tank top, and he may be sleep-deprived and totally useless, but he is the luckiest guy on this planet. “How long’ve you been up?” she asks.

He rests his hands, gently, on her waist, and looks down to meet her eyes, which are hazy with sleep but always so fucking pretty. “I… don’t know if you would love the answer to that question,” he replies, because she’d see right through him even if he wanted to lie about it.

She smiles, but it’s a sympathetic expression, like she can see the Red Bull coursing through his veins or some shit like that. “Answer anyway.”

“Um.” Okay, busted. For real this time. While she hooks her arms around his neck, he tries to gather an explanation. “Okay, so I may not have slept, but hear me out, okay? I wanted to make sure I had stuff in a row so that when you woke up, it’d all be good for you, since I know we kinda have, like, a limited window here, and I didn’t want you to just have to eat, like, peanut butter toast on your birthday, right? Like, that would suck, and also, I was already up because of work, and I had stuff to do anyway, so basically, I didn’t, uh, I didn’t sleep at all, but on the bright side, there is pancake batter ready for you, and I promise I’m gonna clean up all the cooking shit ASAP because I know it looks like a war zone in this kitchen right now—”

“Reid.”

He stops. Her voice is gentle, and she’s smiling— it’s not the pity smile anymore, but just a regular smile. She threads her fingers in the hair at the back of his neck. “Sorry,” he breathes, almost instinctively. “Sorry. That was so much. You just woke up. Hi. I love you. Happy birthday. You look really hot right now.”

Bri laughs, and leans up, on tiptoe, until her forehead is right on his. “Reid,” she repeats, even more gently, and he lets out all his breath again, closes his eyes. “Take a deep breath.”

“Sorry. I’m sorry.” He tries to do as she says. It’s really not hard to breathe; he just forgets that’s a necessary bodily task from time to time. No big whoop. “I promise I’ll clean it up. And I’ll make the pancakes, and— wait, shit!” The realization hits him all at once, and his stomach sinks. “Shit. Fuck. I don’t think we have whipped cream.”

“Whipped cream?” Bri asks, and she sort of laughs, like she’s confused, but this is very bad, because that’s a necessary part of any balanced pancake breakfast, right?

“Fuck,” he repeats, and then groans, bumping his forehead against hers lightly. “Fuck, babe; I’m so sorry. I knew I was forgetting something. I can go out, though. Maybe while you shower? I can get it on the corner—”

“Babe,” Bri says, and it occurs to him that he has once again forgotten to breathe. But when he meets her eyes again, she’s smiling, kind of laughing, and she shakes her head. “Shut up.”

“What?” He blinks. His glasses fog up a little, with how close their faces are, and he squints through them toward her. “I really will go out and get it. What are birthday pancakes without whipped—”

Bri slides her hands up to either side of his face, and she shakes her head again. “Just shut up and kiss me, okay?”

The pit leaves his stomach, and he stops in his tracks. “Oh,” he says, and then laughs, too. “Okay. I can do that.”

It’s a kiss that stops the racing in his brain, which it really always does; she just knows how to do that by existing. It becomes two, and then three, and when they pull apart, Reid can breathe normally again.

“You didn’t have to stay up all night because of me,” she tells him, voice still gentle, eyes still on him.

“I’m sorry,” he groans. “I didn’t really— I mean, I really didn’t want you to have a lame morning.”

“Well, that was very sweet of you,” she replies. Her eyes are catching the sunrise light that edges in through the window. He could get distracted by that. By her body. By every freckle on her face. He is, after all, easily distractible. “But,” Bri adds, “as long as my morning has you in it, I promise you, there’s nothing lame about it.”

He laughs, and kind of feels sheepish, like he might be blushing. “Okay.” He doesn’t deserve her, but he’ll take her at her word.

“C’mere.” She pulls him down for another kiss, and, yeah, this he can do. The apartment is way too small, and he is a human disaster, but she loves him anyway, for some reason he still can’t figure out, and he’ll never stop being grateful for that.

“Thank you,” she says, when they pause to breathe again. “I’m excited for pancakes.”

“I’ll make them good,” he assures her, and she laughs.

“I know you will,” she replies, and then smiles with half her mouth, so her one dimple shows, and that is fucking adorable. Holy Christ. He might be sleep-deprived, but if looks could kill… “But,” she adds, with that smirk still lingering, “not yet.”

“Not yet?” he echoes, and blames the sleep deprivation for how slow the realization is. “Right, yeah. Because you should shower, right? Get ready for work?”

“I think I have a distinct amount of time before I actually have to be ready for work,” she replies, and ohhhh. Oh. Okay.

This, too, he can do.

“I think I understand you,” he tries.

Bri winks. “You definitely understand me,” she says, and then grabs him by the hand and pulls him back toward their bed. “And plus, it’s my birthday.”

He almost makes a birthday suit joke, and then decides that puns are not an effective method of seduction today. Not that Bri really needs seducing. Right this second, anyway.

“I’m so honored,” he says, instead, and grins when she pushes him down to sit on the edge of the mattress. He holds her by the waist and waits, still smirking. “You mean to say you want me to be your present?”

“Something like that,” she replies, with a shrug, and then pushes him so he falls backwards, and he gets exactly three seconds to laugh at the ceiling before she’s kissing him and he gets to move on to something much, much better than rambling about his failures as a boyfriend in the middle of the kitchen.

Breakfast can wait.

#sappy prompts #breid #kiersey college #the insanely cool reid burke #ficlet #my writing #bri doesn't have a tag yet but #that's okay #mel writes

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cardameemo · 3 years

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Please ignore, tumblr is a great place to scream so I’m screaming today

I really wish capitalism as a whole didn’t exist. I wish that college wasn’t pushed on literal children so hard that they end up thinking they’ll be failures if they don’t go to college and live there. 18 year olds do not have a fucking IOTA of understanding of just how much money is too much and how unbelievably FUCKED our economy and system is. Being a 28 year old in over 100k in debt and not even having a house to be a part of it is devastating to me. (Thanks for setting my mind frame up for failure America!!) I fell super hard for that trickery and I’m suffering for it. I feel trapped and hopeless almost every day. The stress and worry I feel about my debt and situation every single fucking day gets in the way of relaxing, enjoying things and just being alive? People always tell me “there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and the debt won’t be there forever!” Problem is when you’re in debt and can’t pay for things like basic healthcare or fucking food then you end up putting on credit cards because you don’t make enough money for your bills AND food. So you END UP MORE IN DEBT and make yourself EVEN MORE MISERABLE!! Yay!! Such a fun life I lead of being miserable from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. I can’t move on with my life because I’m so fucking stuck and like yeah, I have an apartment with my wonderful girlfriend and we have pets and our own cars, but my whole life I’ve spent either being told “it could be worse” or “everyone else is in the same boat” or saying it myself, and not once has it ever made me feel better. Solidarity in suffering is still suffering. I’m so grateful for what I have but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m fucking miserable. Living isn’t appealing and it hasn’t been for a long time. Moving out of my parents and into my own apartment seems to be the real start of my decline. I had a job that traumatized me (Lone manager of a huge Section-8 apartment building, I witnessed a lot of violence and just extremely unpleasant activity with little to no support from my team. SO much fun watching a woman beat her grown daughter and not even the fucking cops would help me.) and from there the suicidal thoughts TOOK OFF. Left that job after six months and then was hired by such a cool place and was fired within a month for missing a day BECAUSE I TOOK MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND TO THE ER THANKS A LOT. Made me feel exponentially worse and now here I am working BACK AT A BANK and HATING EVERY FUCKIGN DAY HERE. But will I move on and help myself by searching for a new job? Nah, my ass is too fuckign depressed to even think about what might be a better fit for me because not for nothing working makes me feel AWFUL and it’s especially fun when most places are fucking “14$/hr starting haha!” My bills alone are 1800$ (food not included!! Hahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!) a month and I certainly don’t have the energy to do two jobs again. I don’t have the spirit anymore to work in general. And I’d rather be dead. It’s spooky but so is being alive and at least I wouldn’t have to work anymore. I’m tired and I just don’t want to do it anymore. The program I went to was a load of shit and coping mechanisms don’t fucking do shit to fix your fucking problems, I don’t have the patience to wait until better times. Because they’re not coming.

#wearing masks are great because it’s harder to tell if I’m crying or not #I’m aware I have anger issues #but I don’t want to be around long enough to see them fixed #being alive is exhausting #ignore #I’m sure I’ll be fine #but right now I’m not #also I wish I could take Jeff Bezos by the eyes and squeeze until he stops screaming.#maybe I need to find a physical line of work so I can get my frustrations out better #tw suicide #suicide mention

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embeanwrites · 4 years

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Finding Home Gavin Reed x Reader

Chapter 21

Masterlist

Two months had passed without any incidents. Between classes, hanging out with dad and Connor, dates with Gavin, and helping Tina get ready for her wedding I had been really busy. I could feel the stark difference that just a year had. This time last year I was alone in a small office pouring over my research telling myself that this is the weekend I’ll hang out with people, but something always came up. I had a hard time believing how different my life is now.

My students had just taken their first tests and their scores were decently high. They all seemed really engaged in the material. As for their daily assignments, many were bringing news articles I wouldn’t have thought to bring. I’ve had a few students come to my office hours to try to debate if androids are alive, but I reminded them of my policy and that it wasn’t up for debate. Besides that it was clear that many of them were enjoying the class. They were also becoming excited because Gavin and Nines had agreed to come answer questions and talk to the class in two weeks. I was still working on convincing dad. Connor was all for it, but dad doesn’t seem to like the idea of having to answer college kids’ questions about androids and the revolution.

We’ve been having weekly movie nights at dad’s house. We had made our way through all the Muppet movies and were now watching movies that had to do with robots, which was Gavin and dad’s vote. When Gavin isn’t working, he comes too. He still slips up around Connor, but it’s clear to both of us that Gavin is really trying. Which has helped my dad warm up to him, but he still gives him a hard time any chance he gets.

I think dad’s really happy that I’ve been referring to Connor as my brother and him referring to me as his sister. He hasn’t said anything directly to either of us, but he hasn’t said anything against it. Which is pretty much his style of handling emotions.

Because of Gavin’s schedule we hadn’t had a lot of time for traditional dates, but he’s certainly come up with interesting ideas. Two weeks ago, he got off at midnight, picked me up, and we went to a late-night arcade. It ended up being really fun with him winning me some dumb prizes. Most nights we spend at his place, which is nice because then I can count on him to drive me to work since it’s been colder in Detroit. The cats are an added bonus. Tina ended up “forcing” Gavin to formally ask me to be his date to her wedding. Which was unceremoniously asked in a group chat Tina made with the three of us and she just sent “ASK HER” over and over again until Gavin sent a text.

Outside of harassing Gavin on my behalf, Tina’s been extremely calm about the wedding. She very rarely loses her cool anyway, but as the date has gotten closer, she’s become more and more excited. We ended up going with no bachelorette party because both Tina and Valerie’s schedules are too crazy and so are their friends’ schedules. Besides neither of them really felt the need to celebrate their “last night of freedom.”

Gavin, Connor, and dad had decided to carpool to the wedding since I had to go early to help Tina get ready. Gavin and Connor tried to convince Nines to come, but he cited that someone had to be working.

“Are you nervous?” I asked Tina as I pinned her hair up. She looked beautiful in her black suit. She had decided to wear her hair pinned up to look like a crown with light yellow and pink flowers woven in. We had watched at least ten tutorials the night before. Tina had spent the night at my apartment so her and Valerie wouldn’t see each other until she walked down the aisle. Tina thought it was stupid, but Valerie insisted.

“More excited than nervous.”

“You know I’m going to cry, right?”

“I would get mad if you didn’t.” We both laughed. I looked at both of us in the mirror and she smiled.

“I can’t believe you’re getting married. Sometimes I still feel like we’re eight years old pretending to be all grown up.” She laid her head back, so she was looking up at me instead of through the mirror.

“I’m just so happy, (Y/n). With you being back and getting to marry the love of my life. Things are just…perfect.”

“Stop, you’re going to make me cry before the wedding starts!” She laughed and wiped away her own tears.

“Oh, just you wait for my speech, T. You’re going to be bawling.”

The ceremony was beautiful. It took place at the Gem & Colony Club. It looks like an old timey movie theatre, with the guest sitting on couches and the wedding party being where the screen used to be, now that wall is covered with windows. Valerie’s mom walked her down the aisle and Valerie looked amazing in her ball gown type dress. Woven in the white were little pieces of blush pink and yellow, their wedding colors, and Tina never took her eyes off her. They both had four “best people” most I didn’t recognize outside of meeting them at the rehearsal dinner. The moment Tina spotted her, they both started crying. There’s about 50 people at the wedding. I recognize Tina’s friends from the DPD and her immediate family, on Valerie's side I only know her parents from the rehearsal dinner.

The wedding was officiated by one of Valerie’s family friends who kept it short and sweet. Which gives the brides time to shine with their vows.

“Tina, not only today am I becoming your wife, but I get to marry my favorite person. I love how strong you are, how you’re not afraid to back down. You do everything with pride and from the moment I met you I knew I needed to have you in my life. You give me so much happiness, Tina. I love you so much and I can’t wait to start the rest of our lives together.”

“Valerie, when I met you I was career obsessed and single minded. I didn’t really have a personal life outside of work and old friends. When I met you I never wanted to be without you. I’m convinced I didn’t know true happiness until I first saw your smile. I can’t even pinpoint the moment I knew I was going to marry you. One day I just woke up and realized I couldn’t go on without holding your hand, hearing you laugh, or just laying next to you. Valerie Morales you are my world and I love you with all that I am.”

After the brides exchanged their vows the officiate announced them wife and wife. Tina, not waiting for him to tell her, grabs Valerie, dips her, and kisses her with the biggest smile. I look over to dad, Connor, and Gavin to see them standing with everyone clapping and hollering.

The reception was held in another room of the theatre. It was more bright and open than the previous room with a wooden dance floor in the middle surrounded by white tables. Tina and Valerie had decided, regardless of the chaos it would create, that people could sit wherever they wanted and the two planned to float from table to table. I ended up sitting at a table with dad, Connor, Gavin, Chris, and Chris’ wife. We were all eating our entrees and waiting for the speeches to start.

“Are you nervous for your speech, (Y/n)?” Chris asked me. I shrugged.

“I’m nervous, but I’m always nervous when it comes to speeches.”

“But (Y/n), you’re a professor.” Connor said with a tilt of his head.

“Academic and emotional speeches are two very different things.” I said with a chuckle. I felt Gavin grab my hand underneath the table. I interlaced my fingers with his. “Besides, I’m going second which is the best position.”

“Who’s first?” Dad asked.

“Valerie’s best man.” I took a sip of my champagne, as if he was waiting for me to mention it he started tapping his glass with a knife.

Ross, Valerie’s little brother, gave a heartwarming speech about how growing up he could always count on Valerie and how happy he is that she now has someone she can always count on. He tells Tina to take care of his big sister, which makes Valerie’s mom start crying. Valerie’s whole family looks so proud.

When he was done, I stood up and walked over to where he was. I took a deep breath and grabbed the mic.

“Hi everyone, I’m (Y/n) (L/n). Tina has been my best friend since we were little. I wasn’t very social as a kid and I remember being in the second grade and sitting on the swings alone, when Tina walked up to me. She looked me up and down and announced that I was now her best friend and she was mine. I didn’t know what to think of this bossy girl, but what did I have to lose? Following her around and listening to Tina talk about whatever was on her mind was one of the best decisions I’d ever made. Even after me and my mom moved away, there was no one else in my life I talked to as much as her. There was no one else who made me feel like I wasn’t alone. Anything I needed I knew I could count on Tina. I can’t even count the number of times she has called me to make sure I was okay and making sure I was taking care of myself in college. Tina is one of the most kind hearted and dedicated person on this planet. When Tina told me about meeting Valerie for the first time over the phone I could hear her smile through the phone and I knew I would be hearing more about Valerie. Valerie, you make Tina happier than I’ve ever seen her and I’m so happy and proud for both of you. I’m so grateful that my best friend found her soulmate. I wish you two all the best.” As I finished, Tina ran up from her seat and gave me a bear hug and I squeezed her right back. I pulled her back to look at her and laughed when I realized we were both crying. “I told you’d cry.” She laughed with me as others clapped.

After our hug, we both returned to our seats as Tina’s dad got up to give a speech. I was only half listening as I wiped the remaining of my tears and Gavin grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. I turned to him and smiled. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my dad look at us and smile slightly.

Over the next twenty minutes, Valerie’s father, Valerie, and Tina all gave speeches. There wasn’t a single dry eye in the house. It was all very touching and had me bawling like a baby.

Shortly after the speeches, the brides had their first dance to a slow and sweet song. After the dance the party had really gotten started. We were all still sitting at our table except Chris and his wife who were dancing with the crowd.

“Your speech was nice, (Y/n).” Dad told me and I smiled.

“Thank you, dad.” I looked over at the dance floor, Tina was holding Valerie closely as they swayed to the music.

“Wanna dance, pipsqueak?” I looked over to Gavin, who was standing holding his hand out towards me. I put my hand in his and he pulled me up. We made our way to the dance floor as a slow song started. I put my arms around Gavin’s neck and he gently held my waist. He smiled at me as we began to sway. “You look stunning.” He murmured in my ear, causing goosebumps to cover my arms. I could feel his warm breath on my neck.

“And you look very handsome.” I whispered. He was so close, but instead of his usual smell of smoke and mint, all I could smell was mint. Gavin gently pulled back and I was drawn into his eyes. Gavin’s eyes were a light shade of gray, similar to how the clouds looked right before a storm. I realized, Gavin was a storm and I was in the middle of it with no umbrella, and I loved it.

“I wanna kiss you, but your dad’s staring.” He said under his breath.

“Oh, grow a pair, Reed.” That was all the “encouragement” Gavin needed to give me a fervent kiss, that if he hadn’t been holding my waist, I would’ve fallen to the ground.

I swear this man was going to be the end of me.

#gavin reed x reader #gavin reed #tina chen #hank anderson #connor rk800 #detroit become human #dbh #x reader

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sweetdejun · 5 years

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coterie: three

gang!x1 x fem!reader

synopsis: you’re an ordinary girl, with an ordinary life. but what happens when you catch the gang that is famous for keeping their deeds under the table, in action?

coterie’s masterlist can be found here

you were no longer bound with ropes, nor was the cloth restricting your mouth from speaking coherently. you were now being guided out of the dark room, up a set of stairs, where the gradient from the darkness to bright lights became clearer. you were in the basement of wherever you were. as the man leads you out, you find yourself walking through a lavish hallway, with marble tiles under your feet contrasting against the white and gold decor around the house. your mouth drops open as you walk into probably, no, the biggest living room you’ve ever seen. two sets of staircases lead up on either side to a separate floor of the residence. “welcome to the x1 mansion.” the man says, standing behind you with his hands in his pocket. “I’m afraid I haven’t introduced myself,” you watch closely as he approaches closer to you. by instinct, you move back with every step forward he takes until your back hits the cushion of a couch. he reaches out to offer a handshake. “I’m seungwoo. han seungwoo, and I am the leader of the gang. it’s nice to formally meet you..” you hesitate to give him your name, and you don’t shake his hand. this causes him to close his hand, clutching the fingers together and forming a fist, then said hand goes back into his pocket and he cracks up. “don’t be scared, you’ve done the right thing. at least you’re not dead. now, let’s try that one more time. it’s nice to meet you...” “y-y/n y/l/n.” you stutter out, keeping your eyes glued to the tile, not daring to look back at him in the eye. “y/n. there’s one thing you should know: after today, everything that was once you will not be you anymore, or until we’re done with you. we’ll speak with your school, and they will allow you to take a gap year or two. don’t ask me why I know this, someone on the school board owes me a favor, so school: don’t worry about that. as for your friends and family, I wouldn’t dare let you leave the house and meet them just yet, so I would rather you call who you want to and speak with them.” he saunters over to the kitchen from the living room, you following his steps with caution. he grabs an apple and bites into it before saying, “because also after today, I’m changing your SIM card and I’ll deactivate your personal phone number temporarily. now, it means your sole focus and purpose will be to do as I say. and trust me, with the way we’ve been watching you this past week, it would be foolish to not put you in this mission. you’re skilled, y/n, whether you know it or not.” seungwoo looks at you and you see maybe a glint of hope in his eyes. “so, in short, yes you can speak to whoever you need to speak to. you have a few hours, then we’ll have jinhyuk drop your things by this evening. also, we have a spare room for you to stay in. that will be yours from today on. I can show you where that is, follow me.” a million things are going through your head right now, but that doesn’t change the fact that you trail closely behind seungwoo up the carpeted stairs, into a smaller area, then a hallway, where he then opens the door to the last room at the end of it. you follow him in and take in the room. it’s much bigger than the college dorm you’re used to, and it’s quite well kept for a spare room. “right, well, I will leave you to it. remember, you only have a few hours, then we deactivate your SIM card. let me know if you need something.” and with a curt nod, he leaves you in the large room, closing the door behind him.

you sit on the bed and take a moment to digest everything. your kidnappers chose you because they think you’re useful, and you have no idea what they want from you. they kept you alive and are having you live with them, and somehow you’re okay with it. you don’t feel any sort of emotion; in fact, you may just be shocked. you look around and examine the details of the room, these thoughts making your head pound. you wince and press your hand against your head. closing your eyes, you can’t believe how much you’ve experienced within the past twenty-four hours alone. there’s a lot. but, you know what you need to do right now. you look down at your phone, and call up soobin. “hey, how are you? no I’m okay, things are really weird...” you explain everything to her in great detail, and within that explanation, she gives you small reactions whenever something stroke her as odd or even shocking. luckily, you’re able to tell haseul everything as well. “listen, I’m not sure when I’ll be able to see you guys again. in fact, I think this phone call may be the last you hear from me for a while, so I want you guys to know that I love you guys. you guys are my roommates, but you two are my best friends first, or even my family. I’ve always been tested with trials and tribulations, you two know this. this is another test that I must pass, but I wish I was able to see you guys one more time.” you cry, tears streaming down your cheeks. you hear the girls sobbing on the other end of the phone. “we’ll always think about you and hope for your safety, y/n.” soobin hiccups. “and don’t worry, we’ll never forget you, we guarantee that. stay safe, y/n. we love you too.” haseul’s voice wavers throughout the most of it, but you can still catch the words. “okay, guys, I’m going to need to hang up. if you guys can please just send all my things with jinhyuk when he comes to receive them, I’ll be extremely grateful.” they follow your requests and you hang up the phone before falling back on the bed. the tears keep falling so you assume only one thing: the aftershock is hitting you now. all your emotions are sporadically leaving you in a big burst, and you need to let it happen. you regret your decision to be here for a minute, once you’ve calmed down a little. but that’s just the thing: the lamenting was short-lived because when you close your eyes again, the image of the gun resting under your chin shows up in front of you and you shake your head, trying to rid yourself of the cold sensation the metal object gave you. “no, I made the right decision.” you console yourself repeatedly before gaining enough strength to push yourself off the bed, and you went over to the bathroom and washed your face with cold water. only then do you get a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. hair disheveled, eyes bloodshot from crying, tear-stained face and a red nose. not to mention, you’re still in the baggy gym shirt and leggings your wear to the gym and your wrists have started to recover from the lack of circulation they experienced mere hours ago. you take in a deep breath and once again, splash your face with the water. strangely enough, you don’t know why, although you feel much better now, this curiosity within you arises again. suddenly, you want to know everything about this “mission” and why you’re such a crucial part to it.

you hear a knock coming from the closed door of your room, and you ask in a hoarse voice, evident with melancholy, “who is it?” “ms. y/l/n? your luggage has arrived.” a woman’s voice is heard from the other side of the door, and you go over and open the door, to reveal a middle-aged woman, in ordinary clothing with two suitcases. behind her, is jinhyuk with some more of your belongings. your eyebrows furrow in confusion and jinhyuk seems to pick that up from you, so he nods his head in understanding and comes into your room. the woman enters first, leaving your suitcases at the edge of the bed, before telling you, “I’m soonja. I work for the men, like their butler. mr. han has asked me to start taking care of you as well, and I am delighted to do so. you see over there,” she points to a phone sitting on a small table just near the headboard. “that’s how you can call me and ask me for anything. so please do let me know when you need anything.” she gives you a sweet smile and you reciprocate it, before thanking her and she takes her leave. now, it’s just you and jinhyuk. “are you okay? did they hurt you?” jinhyuk examines your face, holding it in his hands. you give him a small smile, “I’m okay, I promise.” jinhyuk sighs before his hands fall to his side. “that’s a relief.” you two share a moment of silence together before you speak up. “I’m actually glad you’re here. I needed to talk to you.” jinhyuk motions for you to continue, and very carefully, you ask, “what are we? what is our relationship? sure, it started out as a date, but I want to give a name to this,” you point between him and you. “what do you want it to be?” jinhyuk asks you, and in all honesty, it throws you off-guard. if he were to ask you this a few days ago, maybe you’d say that you were a couple in the works. you don’t know now, you don’t know if you see anything in him. yeah, he’s handsome, but your heart doesn’t flutter when you see him, you don’t think about him all the time, and more importantly, you don’t know if you see him as anything more than a friend. but, perhaps, you need time. so that’s what you tell him. “I want to see you as more than a friend, jinhyuk, I really do. but, I don’t know if I see it right now. maybe it’s just this entire situation, but I’m so confused, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t differentiate from wrong and right anymore.” jinhyuk gives you a smile, but you can detect a hint of bitterness behind it. “don’t worry about it, then. what’s important is that you are alive right now.” you hold his hand and his eyes shoot up and meet yours. “if you wanted us to be more than friends, then I’m so sorry, I truly am. I’d love for us to try again in the future sometime, but I don’t know what my future here has in store for me. so do me a favor, will you? after you leave here today, live your life as you want to. go out with other people, love them, and most importantly, appreciate your freedom. you don’t know how much I would love to be in your position right now.” jinhyuk’s eyes water, and you quickly wrap your arms around him. “hey, don’t cry. I’ll be fine, okay? and also, take care of haseul and soobin for me? they mean more than the world to me. hey, thank you for everything.” jinhyuk sobs quietly, his shoulders moving with pain. then he pulls back from your embrace and wipes his eyes. “I should go. be safe, please, y/n. promise me you’ll make it out good.” you smile sadly as he heads to the door and just before he leaves, you whisper out, “I promise.”

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snowqueen-68 · 4 years

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I survived Christmas...

Yay! @billyhargrovens had me watch The Witcher and I will forever be grateful - ‘cause where have you been all my life Geralt of Rivia?! :) Anyway, here’s a bit more of MY story. Thanks for reading!

...His sentences were brief and clipped, matter of fact, delivered in the manner of someone used to ripping band-aids off wounds quickly and efficiently. Lily blinked rapidly. “Um …?” she could feel his words attempting to penetrate into her brain and not making it. “Please say that again,” she said, drawing in a deep breath. Bryan did the same and speaking more softly said, “Your parents have found you.” He paused for a brief moment, cleared his throat and then continued, “I don’t know what Emmett intends to do. I think we’re gonna have to move you again. I know it’s not optimal but at least its safer…For everyone.” This time Lily heard his words, but still couldn’t process them immediately or completely and she swayed on her feet as momentary dizziness made her head spin. She gripped the edge of the sink, hard, with both hands, so hard she could feel the chill of the porcelain sinking into the pads of her fingertips and she stared at herself in the bathroom mirror, green eyes wide and horrified her, her face pale and without color. Emmett and Evelyn had found her? Really? Could this be true? “Lily? Lily?” Bryan repeated her name, sounding concerned, “are you there? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He paused, “Well, not intentionally anyway.” Lily shook her head forgetting that he couldn’t see her, forgetting about the receiver, still tucked against her shoulder. It fell, and she scrambled for it, bringing it back to her ear. “Did you say they’d found me? How? And how do you know?” She shuddered. Sweet Mother of God, nobody could put the fear of all the Heavens and Hell into her like her own father. Or mother for that matter. “Well, the truth is,” Bryan said, sounding more than a little wary, as if reluctant to tell her, “late last night my guy on the inside escaped Emmett’s compound. Your father did quite a number on him, so we think that’s how he found out. Long story short, they know where you are. I guess you’ve been their primary target for…well since you left. Anyway, like I said, we have to move you.” Lily reached over and tapped off the running water before moving away from the mirror and out of the bathroom. Thoughts raced through her mind, disorganized, without direction, as she tried to make sense of this unexpected news. “Ok wait…wait…wait. Let’s back up,” she said, crossing the broad hallway and pulling the phone with her into her bedroom. “First, what do you mean ‘guy on the inside’? You told me that you were just going to watch Emmett from a distance. I told you what he was like, I told you everything I knew. And you sent someone in any way? You are the little guy, Bryan. Unless you’ve grown drastically in the last three years. What were you thinking?” Bryan let out a frustrated sigh. “Well, I saw an opportunity to insert someone so I took it. If I could capture Emmett Allen and put him away it would…” He stopped, and Lily shook her head as she plopped herself on her bed placing the cradle of the phone at her feet and straightening up to stare out her window. “It would what Bryan? Be great for your company? For you?” “No. Well, yeah but for the town, too, Lily, you know that. Emmett’s been doing a number on this place for decades and he needs to be stopped.” Lily pushed a strand of long, dark hair behind one ear and rolled her eyes. “So, you thought you’d take it upon yourself and your security company to take care of the biggest bully in town? Not a great idea.” Bryan said nothing though Lily heard him sigh and she felt a momentary stab of guilt. She knew that Bryan and his team had been after her father for years, ever since Bryan’s stint in security at Allen Warehouses. Lily was pretty sure he’d seen lots of things out there that he’d wished he hadn’t, but what he had seen had given him the drive to start his own company and to start collecting evidence on Lily’s father, his corruption and crimes. Up until today, Lily had assumed that the biggest thing Bryan’s company had ever accomplished was to spirit her away three years ago right out from under Emmett’s very nose. No mean feat that. Afterward, Bryan had promised to lay low for a while and Lily thought he’d understood just exactly how dangerous Emmett Allen really was. “Is your guy ok? I told you that Emmett could smell a rat from a mile away… no offense to you or your people of course. He’s still alive you said?” Bryan chuckled, regaining his sense of humor. “No offense taken. And yes, he is still alive. But for your information, Miss Allen…. sorry, Miss Ashford, that guy of mine lasted in your father’s organization for…well, since you’ve been gone. He’s good. He knows what guys like Emmett Allen are like, he knows how their organizations function. Or he did until yesterday. Fortunately, we got to him in time before they killed him. Sadly, several of your father’s men did not make it.” Lily sucked a breath in through her teeth. “Well that’ll put you on Emmett’s hunt-down-and-kill list,” she said dryly, “if you weren’t there already. Doesn’t like being made to look foolish or stupid, my father. Which kinda sounds like what happened.” Bryan exhaled wearily like maybe he hadn’t slept in several days. “Lily that’s why we have to move you. We’re pretty sure your father didn’t get much information from our man. He still doesn’t know for certain who he was or who he worked for. But he did get enough to discover that he’d been in there since you left. It did not take long for your father to connect your disappearance with our arrival in his org. It’s a good bet that he’s now convinced that you had a hand in the whole thing and that you have given away state secrets. As you love to point out to me, Emmett is not dumb.” “No,” Lily agreed, “no he’s not.” She gnawed at a corner of her lower lip as she thought about Emmett piecing together that his own daughter had betrayed him because Lily knew that was how he’d take it – as a betrayal. Which, technically it was since she’d turned family and company secrets over to a firm whose primary goal it was to put Emmett Allen behind bars forever. Add to that the fact that she had just up and disappeared one day and, well, she was sure that it was all more than Emmett and Evelyn could deal with. Having a daughter choose to leave the family circle in such an underhanded way most likely had not played well in the Allen’s social circle, and Emmett would surely define sneaking away in the dead of night with no previous warnings as underhanded. Lily rolled her eyes again, she didn’t have to work too hard to imagine her parents’ individual and collective rages, she’d been a witness to those many times during her childhood. And beyond. The thought made her chest ache and she pressed at her sternum with her free hand, ignoring the panicked spinning in her head. “I am not going to let them get to me, I’m not,” she muttered and forced herself to take several slow deep breaths. I am not going to let Emmett and Evelyn scare me or make me fold to their demands, I am not going to let them make me move again. She kept these thoughts running through her head as she considered the last three years of her life. Finally safe here in this relatively unknown German city – unknown to Emmett anyway, at least until today – safe with the American Army, safe in her job. Her assumed name was close enough to her old one that she’d barely noticed the change. She’d made friends, built herself a life and now…now it was all over? No way. If truth be told, it hadn’t occurred to her that Emmett might still be looking for her. Oh sure, she’d expected that he would at first, at least right after she’d escaped his clutches. As she had noted to Bryan, her father did not like being made to look foolish and that’s exactly what she had done. But after three years?! Really? It made no sense! For the love of all that was holy, she was 29, an adult and should have been able to live her own life any way she saw fit, without fear. Clearly, she’d been mistaken. Rage burned in her belly, warming her extremities and coloring her cheeks, and Lily shot up from her seat on the bed, unable to sit still. She paced back and forth in front of her closet and the window, not really seeing through the lace curtains that hung there, or past the beam of afternoon sunlight filtering through the pattern. “I’m not leaving, Bryan,” she said softly, anger clogging her throat, preventing her from speaking any louder. “I won’t.” “What?! Lily are you even listening to what I am saying?” he asked, sounding truly exasperated now. “I am not sure you understand the gravity of the situation. It would be foolish of us both not to consider that your father sent someone out to bring you back the moment he discovered your location, so- “ “No!” she cut him off. “No, I am not moving. When I left my parents’ compound that night I swore to myself that I would not allow Emmett to push me around, frighten me, and I am not giving into him or whatever scare tactics he might decide to use. I am just not. I will take my chances. Look, Emmett might be capable of many things, but he won’t hurt his own daughter. Maybe he will even just leave me alone. Why shouldn’t he after all these years?” “For God’s sake are you hearing yourself?! That’s ridiculous. Don’t ever make assumptions about a man like your father. You’ve told me that yourself, a thousand times! He is more than capable of killing, clearly, and I don’t think it will matter one whit to him that you are his daughter.” His words turned Lily’s blood to ice, and she swallowed hard. She knew Bryan was not wrong, she’d grown up with Emmett, and he was nothing if not cold and ruthless. But still, the idea of leaving Bamberg, her job, this house…well it was untenable, not to be considered. The very thought of it almost made her feel physically sick. “Bryan, I like my life here! I have friends, a house, I love my job! You guys GOT me this job! And now you want me to leave it?” “Of course I do not want you to leave that job, Lily. I don’t want any of this to be happening. But this is for your own safety, never mind that my firm has spent a lot of money getting you where you are and keeping you safe. You are an asset, Lily, an important part of this investigation. You are moving and that’s that. We have no more time to argue about this.” Lily’s eyes widened in surprise at Bryan’s words. He’d never spoken like that to her before. She narrowed her eyes, excess emotion beginning to make her head throb painfully. “No, I am not moving, Bryan,” she finally said making sure her own tone sounded just as definitive as his had, “And here’s why…” She paused to take a breath, the connection of the long-distance call crackling in her ear. “I gave you evidence against Emmett, Bryan. Lots of it, though clearly you don’t or didn’t feel it was enough. Since, ya know, you put a guy in there anyway, despite everything I told you about my father, despite everything you saw when you worked at his warehouse. And now because of your guy, Emmett knows where I am, so thanks for that. In my book that makes us quits and I get to do what I want no matter how much you spent on me, no matter what kind of ‘asset’ you consider me to be. Frankly, I don’t feel I owe you, and so now I am telling you, not asking but telling you. I am not moving again. Let Emmett come and get me if that is what he wants to do. I don’t really care. I’d like to think he’s got better things to do.” These were bold words that made her knees quake, but she held her ground. Like she said, surely after all this time Emmett and Evelyn had moved on, forgotten her. So what if they had found out where she was, it wasn’t like her departure or her telling tales to Bryan’s little security company had had any effect on them anyway. They had no reason to be concerned with her at all. In Lily’s mind she was as quits with them as she was with Bryan. “Honestly, I think maybe you are totally overreacting about all of this, and well maybe being a little selfish.” Bryan groaned. “Jesus, Lily, this is ridiculous.” He was close to shouting at her now and she held the receiver away from her ear, “You are acting like a stubborn, spoiled child. Emmett is completely capable of doing exactly what you think he cannot. Have you forgotten what he’s like…like in the last five seconds?” “Of course not! How could I? I-” “Hang on,” Bryan cut her off, his tone sharp and annoyed. She could hear his voice, muffled now, speaking to someone else, probably in his office. Bryan didn’t seem to have any other place. Lily waited, pacing then stopping to tap her foot impatiently on the carpet, and then pacing again, the hand holding the phone cradle swinging vigorously at her side. The movement whipped its long black cord back and forth until it managed, without her really noticing, to snake itself around her feet, tangling her up. She swore and, sitting down hard, bent to untangle the cord, once again tucking the receiver between ear and shoulder. As she worked to free her feet from the cord she marshaled more reasons why she wasn’t going to move. After a few moments, Bryan returned. “OK, I’m back,” he said, not explaining what he’d been doing, “and I talked to the people I had working on this case and they all agree. Emmett’s going to come after you and he’ll be there sooner than you think. We are out of options-” “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Lily cut him off, still sitting on her floor. “What are you talking about? We are not out of options, I don’t care what your ‘folks on the case’ say. There are always options. Though in this case moving is not one of them. I am staying here. You can guard me here, that is an option, but I am not moving. I am sure you have time to get guys here. There’s no way Emmett is going to move that quickly, I’m like 5,000 miles away.” Bryan said nothing, and Lily climbed to her feet again just as a sudden sweep of black, like a flourished cape flashed by her bedroom window, then swirled out of view. “What the…???” She stepped closer to the glass, pressing her nose against it so she could see through the curtains and around the edge of her window. She gasped and ducked so fast that she sat hard on her rear again, awkwardly rolling and scooting herself into the corner between the window and her closet, her heart pounding hard. Oh my god, oh my god. She could barely breathe. Calm down Lily, calm down. On the phone, Bryan was speaking again, and Lily had to work hard to hear him. “Lily, I get that you are pissed about having to move again and I’m sorry,” he sounded like he was talking through clenched teeth and a tense jaw. “You may think that Emmett is willing to let you go, but you have to trust me when I say he’s not. So, as I tried to say before, I’m sending someone over to your house right now to get you. Please be ready to go.” “It’s too late,” Lily said, surprised at how steady her voice sounded when her gut was twisting with a nauseating combination of chagrin and fear. Bryan had been right, she had let her emotions get away from her and now she owed Bryan an apology that she literally had no time for. “What are you talking about?” he demanded warily. “What do you mean it’s too late? Lily, what did you do?” “Nothing! I just mean it’s too late,” she said again. “Lucien is here, he’s outside my flat. I just saw him.” Bryan sucked in a breath and swore. “Did he see you? What’s he doing?” Lily shook her head, rolling it side to side against the wall. “No, I don’t think so. I was sitting on the floor and there are lace curtains over my window and now I’m huddled in a corner out of sight. He can’t see me, and I have no idea what he’s doing. I think he was heading for my front door, though I doubt he’s gonna knock.” “Is your door locked?” Lily’s eyes widened and she frantically tried to remember if she had locked both doors when she got home. She was supposed to but sometimes she forgot. “I think so...wait, hang on a minute…let me listen.” “Lily, wait…don’t expose yourself, stay hidden, stay put…” His warnings sounded frantic. Lily ignored him and pressed the receiver against her stomach muffling the sound of his voice in the material of her bulky sweatshirt and strained to listen. Silence reigned, nobody rattled a door or knocked, though Lily thought she could hear several masculine voices outside. Which meant Lucien had company. Frogs and Coffee! She put the receiver back to her ear. “He’s not trying to get in, but I think he brought friends. I am gonna see, at least if I can see where he is I might be able to figure out what he’s going to do.” “Lily be careful! Don’t do anything rash, help is on the way!” “I won’t, I will be,” She promised, and then placing the cradle of the phone behind her back on the floor listened again for any sounds that might give her a clue as to where Lucien was. They were still out in the back but the masculine voices were fading, moving, as far as she could tell, away from her front door and around the other side of her house. She doubted that meant that Lucien was giving up and leaving. She wasn’t that lucky, Lucien wasn’t that easily deterred. Lily considered her next move. The idea of leaving her room made her feel vulnerable and exposed but better to know what Lucien might be up to than to be surprised and all that much more defenseless. She pressed her back against the wall and slowly pushed herself upwards, leaning over just long enough to get a glimpse out of the window, letting out an explosive breath when she saw nothing lurking beyond the lace curtains. The coast was clear. Feeling a bit safer, she moved out of her corner, nervously looking back over her shoulder with almost every step as she made for her bedroom door. If Lucien and his buddies still lingered anywhere on the path outside the house’s entryway door, she would be much safer in the hallway. They could decide to backtrack and peer in at any moment and see her and that would be disastrous. Moving quickly, Lily tucked around the corner of her bedroom door into the hallway, leaning back against the wall and catching her breath. She’d been holding it in like she was afraid that Lucien might hear her if she allowed herself the luxury of oxygen. Light from the windows of the two bedrooms across the hallway illuminated the broad space but she wasn’t too worried. Those windows were high up off the ground, so unless Lucien could scale the side of the house or had a ladder, she didn’t think they posed any danger. What was dangerous was lingering too long where she stood. If she looked left she could see directly down the hall and through the set of glass doors that sat behind her dining room table. And the curtains at those windows were sheer and see-through. With her dark hair and brilliantly red sweatshirt, she stood out like a bright red flower in a bed of white blooms, not good. Briefly Lily considered peeling herself out of her sweatshirt but the t-shirt she wore beneath was also red. “Who knew clothes were going to be dangerous today,” she muttered, following her own instinct to make herself as small as possible and crouching down to the floor again. If someone passed by that dining room door they’d still see her, Lily knew, but this position made her feel a bit better nonetheless. She skittered diagonally across the hallway as quickly as she could on all fours, the tile floor hard against her knees, coming to a stop at the edge of the wall on the opposite side. From here the bulky shape of her sofa, which sat directly in front of her in her living room, partially hid her from view and that was a good thing. Lily allowed herself to pause again for just a brief second before peeking around the corner of the hallway into the large square main room of her flat. The room itself, brightly lit despite the fading afternoon, was empty except for furniture. Through the bank of floor-to-ceiling windows that took up almost the entire front wall of her flat, Lily saw four men gathered in a tight circle, talking and loitering on her front patio, a big octagonal-shaped slab of concrete that looked out over her street and the village beyond. Over the summer a small table and four chairs had occupied that space, but now Lucien and three other men stood there deep in conversation, no doubt discussing exactly how they were going to kill her...

#original work fantasy romance

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dulcis-pythonissam · 4 years

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The dog that build my story:

Perhaps a little early for me to write this down, but I felt like I needed to do so in order to remember that life will go on even if we are not really paying it any mind. Perhaps the title of this story has spoiled it a bit. This story is about my loyal friend, who has stood by my side since I was just a young girl, and has seen me grow in the woman I am today. I will try to keep the story short but no promises. Since this loyal canine of mine simply meant that much to me.

This all started by the time I was a mere little girl, feeling the loss of a pet is never fun for a kid, it takes them a while before they could feel like they could let go. Or what most of us do. Is to buy a new pet. This was the case for me and my mother.

In the year of 2006, a young pup was born in the Northern region of the country I live in. Since the internet was yet a big thing in our household. So it was hard to look around for a new pet. Yet we kept on searching, well mom did, and it was one week of my life I doubt I will ever forget, as mom had told me we were going to get a puppy. a puppy meant that in my child like mind back in the day, meant a companion for life. A companion that was loyal and trustworthy, a playmate, and a comforter for those lonely days that always seemed like they would come back.

It meant I was going to have a friend.

As sad as it sounds, to me this puppy was going to be my best friend for as long as I thought he was going to be alive. For his life at least. Later, as I grew older, I came to understand that was not going to be the case. Later I understood dogs did not live as long as humans did, which greatly upset me, it meant that after who knows how long we would have him for, he would stay by our sides. I can still hear my fourteen year old self say: “He is going to be eighteen, no twenty years old, this dog will be by our side for as long as he can”. He did. While I am writing this story, he is still by our side. Only for a few more hours. But I had to write this in his honor. So once the pain has healed, the memories, the loss subsided to simple memories of him, I can read this back and smile about it, Perhaps show it to others and wonder if they too shared something similar. As losing a pet is like losing a part of you you never get returned, there is no refund, no take backs. But all jokes aside. Since I could probably go on about that for hours. This is about the most loyal dog I have owned so far. Be it for the fact to keep his memory alive, or simply because this is my way of accepting and letting go of the sweet pet that has stayed by my mother and mine’s side for almost fourteen years. I say almost since he was supposed to turn fourteen in a little over a month from now.

Now before I will make this sad, let me remind myself what my dog meant to me. What he did to me those almost fourteen years of his life, and remember how grateful I will be for the rest of my own years alive on this weird living planet we call earth:

This dog, meant the world to me, as a kid, he was my playmate, my buddy, and forever friend that I would never have to worry about losing, I remember a time, all the way back in sixth grade. Where I was playing with the kids on school grounds.Now mind you, my school was not big or anything, enough for a kid like me to actually enjoy their time, yet learn in a great way, But I would have never guessed my dog, somehow had made its way all the way to my school, My mom had brought him when he had just bought him, to show my class. But I doubt he could have remembered the way since he was super small as a pup(and we kind of came by car). He stood there on the streets all mighty and proud as I called his name to check if it really was my dog. I guess upon hearing and recognizing my voice, and the fact that he was in such a proud mood, made him come over to me, tail wagging, as both my fellow classmates and a teacher came over to check out what the ruckus I made was all about, Until they saw a young dog by my side. After telling the teacher that this was my dog. I was allowed to carry. him home. Mind you if I did not, he probably would have ran off in some other direction, The jerk. So my kid self did what was best, and carried a not so big dog. but quite heavy for someone who was not used to carrying anything bigger than my school bag at the time. I remember seeing my aunt’s face as she saw me carrying my dog all the way home, scolded him for running off at the speed of light. But I think this little adventurer had enough for the day, as he willingly followed my aunt into her home, where he would spend the rest of the day, until I came home from school and my mom would come to pick us up. My mom laughed so hard upon hearing this story, until somewhere later in the year, when it had happened to her too, you could say, the dog we own had been quite a houdini at his young age.

This sweet dog liked his long long long walks, the further we walked, the happier he was, and we often during summer times would visit the forests around us. I say forests because they are all pretty small, yet large enough to keep on walking for a few hours, and one of them is on Our Northern end of town, and you guessed it, the other one is on the South end, well more South-East. but still south.

I always believed that the both of us could relax in the surrounding of trees, the lakes or rivers near it, and often we walked and played ahead of my mother and my aunt. My aunt’s dog always near to keep a watchful eye of strangers or animals, you never know if a random goose or swan would attack you. Or so I would like to think he used to think. There were moments in the park next to my house, where: mind you our dogs usually would walk without a leash on. Would go running for a good half hour. with a big sparrow family nearby, who seemed to have loved the dogs who came to play with them, flying over their heads and have them chase behind them. I remember staring at it for hours on end if could. My dog always right on their tails, as his little legs carried him as fast as they could. It made me: as a kid, Wonder of perhaps my dog had befriended the sparrow family who residented there. So whenever we would come over, they would come out to play too.

Many winters, and summers passed, with a lot of crazy things happening, like the divorce of my parents, me growing into a teenager and discovering the adult world later on, my aunt’s dog passed away. for my loyal friend, that had grown older and grumpier, this was a lot to take it, his mentor and best dog companion now gone, he went into a depressed state himself. We tried all we could to make him happy again, even considering going to a dgo school so he were to meet new buddies. But the loss of my aunt’s dog was simply too much for him. It had been for all of us. But my dog simply couldn’t stand it. It was heartbreaking to see my dog like that, and I always made sure that whenever I was home, to give him extra cuddles and play time. But he too was growing older, so taking into consideration that he didn’t want to play, I left him be and simply snuggled up to him. Of course he still made it past that ordeal or I wouldn’t be typing anymore.

So my Aunt had adopted a new dog. Well it was more rodent sized, so if someone had called it a rat, rabbit, Guinea pig or anything rodent like, I would not have been surprised. But it had lifted his mood, a lot. Signs of the dog I came to know and love came back. Making both me and my mom pretty relieved and happy, since he was merely ten years old at the time, he started to play again, wanting to go on long walks and for the first time in a long time had started to bark again. Aka, he was his old self again. A year later, my depression had taken over most of my life, and like many times in my life when this happened. He had stayed by my side, and was the core reason I wouldn’t stay in bed all day, or when the few times I grew sick during those times, I could hear the pitter-patter of his paws on the other side of my door, since I have a pretty bad cough when I get sick. He would jump of my mom’s bed, in the middle of the night, climbing my stairs and scratch on my door to open up, if I didn’t, he simply would stay there for a little while, wondering if I had gone back to sleep, and went down again, jumping on the bed, so he too could return to sleep. I came to know this the next day with a cranky mom who told me he had done so for the enter night, or at least whenever I would cough so bad, you’d think I would cough my lungs out. It made me both laugh real hard, I started to cough again, and extremely happy that he would care so much for me.

There had been many moments where I perhaps had taken his life granted, to where my brain told me he would not have long to live, but my heart hoping he would at least be of age to even consider putting him down. the fact that I thought of that had driven me mad with anxiety, the fact that my buddy for life, would not be long in my life had always had me to tears. But this time I might actually had a reason to. Two years ago, he started to walk a little funny. He had been dragging his left hind leg more and more, and we did not know why. So mom did what was best to do for a dog of age. Which was to visit a vet, the news that followed wasn’t the best, as it came to be that he had spondylosis.

If I had to explain spondylosis in my own words, it would be that it is an incurable bone disease, to where the bone and cartilage keep on growing in place they are not supposed to. So simply put, we were going to lose our family member sooner than we anticipated. Struck by the news, mom and I had gotten him medicine, and special food, so he would not have as much pain, so he could continue being the best dog there ever was in my life.

Only to find out that the special food was not working for him, nor were the medicine, I will not go into details, because for me, it was hard to listen to, and I am used to the most gory movies since I was a child. But hearing this about my dog, it had simply broken my heart for him, so we had to switch foods and medicine again. This time somehow it caught on, letting him walk better without pain, but also not to cause him to have too much tummy aches.

Somehow he has made it two years with all his pains and aches, and now here we are, at the end of his journey, and I can’t help but wonder if I did at least one thing to make him the happiest dog in the universe. This dog has been my forever friend, my buddy in a time of need, but most importantly, he has been my soulmate, my family. A part of me that I secretly don’t want to let go. Since it will hurt too much to even think of forgetting all the great times we spend together. the amount of hours we had walked and played in the forests, or in general. The many naps and cuddles whenever the other wasn’t feeling too well.

Thursday January 23rd, 2020, with great sadness and pain, we will say our farewell to Mike. To me, the best dog that has ever crossed my life, and I would not have had it any other way.

If I could I would have taken all his pains and aches away, but I can’t, and so with pain in my heart, today, as I am writing this at 3AM my time. Will have to hold strong, and smile as he will be put into an eternal sleep. I simply wanted to write this down, in the hope it would become easier over time.

I hope he will be with my aunt’s late dog, where they both can run as fast as their legs can carry them, finally without pain and aches. Like the young pup he once was. And forever will be.

I love him with all of my heart. As there might never be a dog who has been such a big part of who I am and have become as he.

Goodbye my sweet grumpy soulmate. May you rest in peace and I hope our paths will cross again.

#hime speaking: ooc}}#courage is what it takes to stand up and speak: mun to mun #{{Reason of my absence}}#{{mom and I have been struggling to this day}}

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