#to have the desire to cook for myself and eat foods that i like bc to me. cooking for someone else or urself is sorta the pinnacle of care | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

xiaonyc · 2 months

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xiaob͙ᴬ𝚋y's͙ temple☽

🔗 Masterlist 🔗

ᴴᴵ ᴮᴬᴮᴵᴱˢ,

ᴹᵞ ᴺᴬᴹᴱ ᴵˢ ˣᴵᴬᴼᵞᴵᴺ, ᴮᵁᵀ ᵁ ᶜᴬᴺ ᶜᴬᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ 𝕩𝕚𝕒𝕠. (Shiao) It means flute。

↳ ⁑⁎✬⋆ my baby fashion brand 『 @hautepng 』

↳ ⁑⁎✬⋆ my art blog 『 @xiaoyinxie 』

..............✩ 𝕒ᴮᴼᵁᵀ ⋆.................

ᴵ ᴾᴼˢᵀ ˢᴱᴸᶠᴴᴱᴸᴾ, ᶠᴬˢᴴᴵᴼᴺ, ᶜᴼᴼᴷᴵᴺᴳ, ᴬᴺᴰ ᴬᴿᵀ。ᴵ ᴿᴱᴮᴸᴼᴳ ᴬᴺᵞᵀᴴᴵᴺᴳ ᴵ ᴸᴵᴷᴱ。

.....✩.....✩.....✩.....✩.....✩.....✩.....

on this blog i will be sharing my journey of healing, growing, and becoming the best version of ᴹᵞˢᴱᴸᶠ. my joys are fashion, self care, cooking, and creating art in any medium. i work on things as i have energy and desire to, my life is nonlinear, i learn, adapt, do nothing, do something, i trust the cosmos to guide the way, i place my faith in what i cannot understand, something beyond my existence as a material body. grateful to b here and blessings to eryone xx

.............✩ 𝕤ᴱᴸᶠ ᴴᴱᴸᴾ ⋆...............

✩ status... treating myself like a precious baby, unlearning self-hating patterns

✩ what self-growth means to ᴹᴱ..... I am on my own journey to become the best version of myself, following my divine path. I am beautiful, a 1 of 1 creation by god. The world glitters around me, I am mentally strong. I am emotionally aware. I take care of my body to the best of my ability and nourish myself. My mind is sacred. My body is sacred. My soul is sacred. I honor them all and treat them as my babys.

I don't know everything but I will fail over and over again to become truest self, unaffected by opinion, trends, and expectations. I continue learning. I continue growing. I continue protecting my energy in any way I can. I put in the work today so I can continue to blossom in my lifetime, regardless of age.

If things i post can be of help to anyone, i am glad. If not, its okay too. Our journeys are all unique and trusting ourselves takes 1st priority.

..............✩ 𝕗ᴬˢᴴᴵᴼᴺ ⋆.................

✩ status... learning how to style outfits with a 30 OOTD challenge

✩ what fashion means to ᴹᴱ..... fashion gives me an outlet to transmute my truest self outwardly, that is why its my love. But it hasn't always been easy. I have cried over and over, had many failures, struggled with self-confidence to get to a point today where I accept myself as i am 1st and try my best to express my individuality 2nd. It has been a journey of healing my self-hating past, learning about myself, and choosing to not give a f what others think. Bad boss bitch.

..............✩ 𝕔ᴼᴼᴷᴵᴺᴳ ⋆.................

✩ status... learning to cook vietnamese food

✩ what cooking means to ᴹᴱ..... cooking is me taking responsibility for my life. it's taught me to adapt, budget, time manage, prepare, and make things my own creations. I had struggles along the way, such as with discipline, overspending, wasting food, ordering takeout all the time, eating junk food and overprocessed garbage, going on autopilot mode to not have to think or adapt. But by adapting more, i have found a sweet balance that gives me easy options for cooking delicious meals when I don't have much energy and options for when i am more ambitious. i love the smile on a loved ones face when its delicious ^_^

................✩ 𝕒ᴿᵀ ⋆...................

✩ status... not drawing much these days but I like fashion drawings

✩ what art means to ᴹᴱ.... the challenge of my life, it means practicing lots of self-love, and stepping into my own shoes: drawing ᵂᴴᴬᵀ and ᴴᴼᵂ I want regardless of what others say or think, and 2. Finding my true reason to create beyond ego and external validation, learning to create to heal, to have fun, and get closer to my true self, trusting inspiration will come to me, and believing in myself

☆★ Thanks for reading if you got here, I almost gave up on this post bc a part got deleted and it didnt save. I want to pull through even though my confidence is a bit shot//. ♡ THANKYOU ♡

All dividers and photos are made by me unless credited. I might open a request for them to celebrate the opening/ rennovation of this blog ^-^ i want to thank @fawndollie for the rainbow text inspiration and @anitalenia for the post decorations inspiration and the "status" text <33

#self growth #my blog #girl power #it girl #becoming that girl #self love #self help #self care #it girl energy #dream girl #girlblogging #self healing #manifest

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boyjoan · 3 months

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hiii hi my lovely henry!!! how are you doing? i hope you have had a lovely start to the month (sending lots of new spring flowers + sunny days your way xx) i've been going through your partridge family breakfast tag + its just SO lovely oh my gosh i love food so much...<3 have been feeling very uninspired with my dinners + was wondering if you'd tried any fun new recipes lately? (also !! going out to buy myself a pack of english muffins + butter + salt + apples for this week's breakfast!!! very excited hehe<3)

THEA!!!! How beautiful to see you!!!! come in sit down let me get you a lovely beverage <33 your well wishes are MUCH appreciated and returned tenfold i hope march is so kind to you and brings you peace unlike any you've ever experienced....

(I must mention i think of you every day when i watch gilmore girls bc your art makes me so overjoyed...)

Ahhhhhhh that makes me so HAPPY im so glad you're enjoying my little Food Posts <3 food to me.....the most powerful expression of love and the oldest....

What a LOVELY question and a very kind open door for me to talk abt food, you're a sweetheart!! Recently I've been very into thai food which im always hesitant to reccomend bc it has a lot of new ingrediants if you dont normally cook from that part of the world!! However if you Are up for an adventure and want to keep it simple: massaman curry. You can add beef or just potatoes to keep it vegan, and it is so bloody good. Make a batch on a sunday and eat it cold for like three days, i use the bbc goodfood recipe!! For smth even simpler, combine red thai paste with coconut milk, heat until reduced, and enjoy........i make this when im not very well and shove in cooked chicken or veggies!!

SOUP! I've been making chicken and leek soup.....but you can make just veggie soup if you prefer...combined vegetables of your choice (i like garlic, onion, carrot and leek, with a sprig of thyme) into a small portion of melted butter in a pan. Add stock (chicken or veggie) and allow to reduce. Stir through cooked shredded chicken or quick cook veggies like sugar snap peas or baby corn!! So warming bc it's been raining ALL the time omg....

Those are my big hitters at the moment!!! I hope you find sooo much recipe inspo my darling i CANT BELIEVE you're trying my favourite breakfast oh my god i eat it every day i hope you enjoy Please give me a full review if you so desire <3333

Thank you for stopping by my love!!!!

#THIS IS SO LONG IM SO SORRY SHDJFJ LOVE U!!#thank you for coming to....#partridge family breakfast!!

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babymyleopard · 1 year

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I’m gonna rent a little

I used to be fat. fat baby, fat kid. and I always knew that, because everyone would come at me saying how sorry they were for me. because I was fat. because “no one would ever want” me -- I was 5.

so I did what most fat ppls do. developed an eating disorder. by the time I was 16 I had already tried a lot of “natural” meds for losing weight and became anorexic. I went at least 12 hours a day without food.

and food in my house was always at the center. because we were (are) very poor. my mother pride herself in making ends meet, in not wasting resources and in being a very good cook. to have a treat was really something special and I started to believe I should deserve food, because it is not only for nourishment, but something that can make you feel good and special.

I did not deserve to feel that way. I was dieting since my 6th birthday and haven’t lost that much. I wore a size 14 or 16 while my friends (and even my mother, who was happy to tell me she wore the same since I was born, when she got “fat”) would wear a 0 or 2.

many years passed and I’ve got it under control, I’m eating regularly and healthy. I do exercise and I *know* I’m the thinner I have ever been. but I don’t feel like it. it’s like I’m faking it. and I don’t deserve to be skinny, because now I don’t starve myself anymore. it’s like I am cheating and that all the suffering was not “worthy”.

I’m trying to accept my body. since forever. and I feel weird for still having to rationalize it, 29 almost 30 years-old, wearing a size 4/ 6. I do not recognize myself as the image I see in the mirror at all.

the other day I got a dress from an asian shop (let’s not talk abt the danger of fast fashion for a sec) and I was looking through the comments and everybody was saying that one should make sure of the measurements bc we all know asians are “smaller” and for no one’s surprise but mine, their size S was perfect on me. when I tried on the dress I felt ashamed and I cannot even explain why.

on the same spirit, just yesterday I was watching some historical videos abt edwardian fashion and the gibson girl and again, for my surprise only, my waist is smaller than their ideal 26 inches -- mine’s 25. and my waist was always small, even when I was fat. that was the only thing ppl would point out in a “nice” way abt my body. so much so that when I started losing weight and y thighs and hips got smaller I felt that no one would notice my small waist, bc I didn’t have the contrast anymore (breasts never were a thing for me).

I really wanted to just be. not gonna lie and say that aesthetics aren’t important. they are and I like to feel and be perceived as beautiful, to be desired. I just wish I could without the guilty and the shame. without thinking that I betrayed myself, the little one who thought no one would want her, the one who didn’t eat so she would fit in a pair of jeans.

now that I have the body I always wanted, I don’t know what to do with it. and I don’t think I deserve it. but it is the same body I’ve always had. it is the only one I will ever have. I need to accept it.

#personal #self image #I have an eating disorder and I feel bad all the yime abt my body #time

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vanillatalc · 1 year

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anyway - cw for eating disorder / weight loss talk. this is gonna get really long probably. im actually ok now im just typing to get my feelies out

my alpaca arrived today! it's really nice, i will buy the rst of it for sure

after my minor menty b earlier ben cornered me on the sofa and was so lovely about it all actually. i get the feeling that the ED stuff freaks him out more than anything else that one might call Cham's Madnesses, but he was v encouraging and kind + i think we're basically on the same page really - im genuinely ok but as he put it he's concerned ill be ok until the second i fall off the ok-cliff, and i know what he means lol ofc. he was like not really surprised by any of my feelings bc he (paraphrasing this) basically was like you like to talk about it like it's all in the past but in reality you've not spent any time at all dealing w/ your eating disorder thoughts (as opposed to behaviours) and i mean he's not wrong is he lol?? ah i hate it when he's right :/ he told me to put the brakes on re: the weight loss (to be fully transparent here ive been eating in a calorie deficit on purpose for ~9? months, and i say that only bc ive danced around the truth on here bc im v v v embarrassed that i "caved" to it) for the past ? years ive been fully on board w/ the idea that there is very little that separates purposeful restriction from "real" eating disorders + i am not sure where that leaves me now to be honest. i've said this before but i think the wedding + more specifically the fact that the bride is the absolute nexus of all the ceremony just freaked me the fuck out + the thought of looking how i looked in lockdown for this event was just unbearable and i was honestly just not able to cope w/ it. i honestly dont really know where THAT leaves me either - i feel in a v weird place atm with it all - it's not the same as when i was a teenager - im happy eating v varied foods and things i would have rejected outright when i was in my starvation era - like im literally eating 3 nougat bars for my breakfast atm bc i like them + they're fuckin delicious, which doesnt feel like big trouble. but the fact remains i have been purposely losing weight + betraying my own ideals for months. and i feel very frustrated that i wasn't "over it" enough to just fucking deal? just be a fat bride? ??? i cant even tell you how many hours of curvy brides boutique i have drilled into my own eyes to try and literally like force myself to believe that i as a fat woman was worthy of anything. oh my god!! in a slightly bleak way i do think that being more able to cook for myself now and making huge huge strides wrt contamination fear really just opened the door to this again. which would be v funny if it wasnt a bit tragic lol. THE MONKEY'S PAW... anyway as i said at the beginning i feel ok now + i guess im just wondering wtf to do now like i dont want to invite the devil to dance with me and i think that's inevitably what im doing every time i purposely restrict my intake but i also dont know if im strong enough to stop dancing?? i dont mean this to sound woe-is-me or anything like i am feeling quite pragmatic about it all i just am thinking like: how do i match my desire to feel beautiful at this huge event with my desire to not be a total bellend and finally: this is a personal blog, thi sis me typing about my feelings not an instruction manual for life, i am unsure if this is something i should be posting, but i think this is the reality for a lot of women to be honesttttt so idk if pretending it's not happening is that great either what should i do lads?

#like genuinely looking for input #i was planning on losing a bit more (yes i am self aware enough to read this and wince) but now im thinking like uh yeah

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mourningmoth · 2 years

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Get to know you better

got a tag from @dru-reblogs-stuff :3

Relationship Status: me and bf are v happy :3 we've actually talked about the concept of being married and planned 2 buy rings, we're both just sorta apprehensive about certain aspects of the institution

Favorite Color(s): uuuuh ill be real For Once abt this question: i like a Lot of colours lol. i dress in black almost exclusively at this point just bc i like it and its comfortable, so thats def a top pick. i am also very fond of deep greens, dark reds/maroons, burgundy, and dusty purples. in artwork, ive been very into bright and saturated colours lately, like gold and cyan

Favorite Food: this is like a rly difficult question lmao so im gonna list some general categories of food i guess? i really love seafood, and id probably put sushi rly high up on the list. also am very fond of super spicy food and soups/stews. i rly like greek, mexican, japanese, and chinese food also, as well as american food (i like eat a burjer)

Song Stuck in My Head: Pop/Stars by KDA, I KNO leave me aloooone

Last thing you Googled: lollll i searched "WoW ebyssian" because i named a flight rising dragon that, thinking i was being cool and original, when in fact i just forgot the wow character existed. oops

Time: 7:11 pm pst, i havent eaten dinner yet. oops. i will also take much longer to finish this lmao

Dream Trip: i dont have a singular dream trip so much as a desire to travel in general bc id be nice to go new places. i have never been outside of the usa, except for the occasions i was on sovereign tribe land contained within the usa. i would like to visit ireland, finland, japan, greece, and egypt :3 maybe australia also

Last Thing You Read: the king diamond abigail comic

Last Book You Enjoyed Reading: genuinely do not remember what i read previous to the abigail comic lmao

Favorite Thing to Cook/Bake: i rly like making spice bread and my cheesey chicken chili :3

Favorite Craft to do in Your Freetime: i used to do some physical crafts (like needle felting), but most of my free time is spent doing computer hobbies lately! i like 2 make digital art, pixel art, and starbound mods

Most Niche Dislike: honestly cannot rly come up with this one. i dont like citrus fruits except limes i guess. lemons in certain circumstances

Opinion on Circuses: fine as long as the animal cruelty parts are avoided lmao, but ive never actually been to one

Do You Have Any Sense of Direction: bruh i could not navigate myself out of a wet paper sack irl. ask me for directions in vivec city from morrowind tho and i can set u the fuck up

Tagging back: neh

#tag meme #the dreamer is awake #thank u!!#:3

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my-digi-life · 5 months

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CW: I’m going to be sharing what I ate today with numbers! If this could trigger you, please continue to scroll 💖Everything is under the cut!

A note: this is not an ED post. This means this is not for any Pro ED or “not pro for anyone but myself” accounts. DNI.

I wanted to show you guys what I ate today! This is a pretty average day for me since I’ve started focusing on eating better and losing weight.

A little bit about my eating habits:

I base my calorie intake on my Fitbit so my calorie limit fluctuates throughout the day as I burn more and more calories. I’ll post a screenshot of the final intake according to the Fitbit app.

I weigh all my food out with a food scale. I prefer it to using measuring cups/spoons bc it seems easier and I also don’t have to worry about dirtying any extra dishes.

I don’t plan my meals in advance. I eat what sounds good for each meal. While you won’t see it today, I sometimes manage to fit a fast food meal into my calories, like yesterday I had Arby’s and was still below my target goal by 1,200.

Total: 534

Note: Usually I just have the smoothie for breakfast but I started my period today so wanted to eat a little more. I also work a late shift today so I tend to sleep longer and have a late breakfast, meaning I skip lunch and just have a large breakfast and a small snack instead.

Total: 295

Note: We make our sweet tea with Splenda rather than real sugar just because we prefer the taste. It’s not a matter of saving calories or anything. I genuinely gag if the tea is made with real sugar LMAO.

This is a very typical snack for me tbh. I like to have a fruit or veggie and then I usually have pretzel sticks or a serving of white cheddar popcorn.

Total: 328

Note: We have a Texas Roadhouse Manager who comes in every so often and brings us bread and butter. My stomach was grumbling when she showed up so I decided to have some!

Total: (728+8 from Sesame Oil)= 736

Note: big dinner but I was so hungry after work haha. Something I’ve been doing on this journey is buying a rotisserie chicken on Sunday and then eating it Monday-Friday as it makes easy lunches and dinners for the work. So that’s what this chicken is.

Looking at this, that looks like so many dumplings but I swear to god I weighed it out and it was actually below the recommended serving size. I only ended up eating 5 because I was so full after the chicken and broccoli They have that brown color to them because I cook them in soy sauce a little (I do count the calories from soy sauce)

My total for the day: 1,893 calories.

My deficit goal is 1,000 and I'm actually below target today, meaning that if I so desired I could eat a little more, but I'm good for tonight as it's getting late here and I have to be up early.

Here is the screenshot from the Fitbit app as promised:

Hum and Kiss from your friend,

P.S I’ve lost my Apple Pencil so I’m fighting for my life making these edits 😭 I ordered a cheap stylus but it’s not gunna be here for like a week.

P.P.S: Making this post was hell because the tumblr app only lets you put 10 pictures in a post so I had to finish adding pictures on my laptop.

#diary entry #digital diary #digital journal #journaling #my diary #my journal #online diary #tumblr diary #my digital life #online journal #what i eat in a day #wieiad #Diet #weight loss diet #weight loss #weight loss journey

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victory-cookies · 5 months

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I really wish my parents would make it clear nights when they don’t plan to make anything (my dad loves to cook so we normally have stuff for dinner) bc tonight I came home from work, and was told nope, there’s nothing, I have to fend for myself. Like. If I’d had known that I would have picked smth up when I was out. Bc I’m really tired. And now everyone wants to watch a movie but I’m starving and still trying to figure out what I’m going to eat bc I’m out of food and all we really have leftover is turkey soup (which I have no desire to eat). I’ve asked them before to just text me if no one is making anything but they never do and it’s really frustrating

#I’m fine with making or buying my own stuff! I am!#But if I don’t know in advance then I end up like this #Caught with nothing pre-made and people waiting on me trying to make my own food #Bc all of the things I buy for lunch that I can just throw in I’ve already eaten and not bought more of bc I assume that I won’t need it

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divinexharmony · 9 months

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It wasn’t until recently that I understood , what the depth of a comment I received from my Aunt held when she said she respected how noble it was that I became a stay at home mother. & the majority of the world will never understand. It’s one of those things you’ll never understand is like.. like what losing your home to a fire means, or losing a family member you loved with all of your life means. Because even at your very strongest, you watch things you can’t control happen. You trade money and the comfort of friends for a love you hope doesn’t fade. You hope you can give them a stable home. & You watch this attachment happen with your kids that only you will know because they physically have no capacity to remember anything except for extremes and you just hopes that you’re not giving extreme negativity. You watch literally everything materialistically you worked so hard for get stained, chipped, ripped, cut or broken but have no sureness in how exactly you’ll be able to replace any of it. You don’t make any money. Especially any money to replace these things. Or even to get the hygiene care you need to keep up with the new stress or even to rank with women of your age. You watch yourself desire to become the best at this job more than you’ve ever purely desired to become, and fail. or you feel like you’re failing. bc you snap. bc why do I tell you not to pull the whole toilet paper role put 10x a day for over 10 months. or you can’t draw a black marker line on literally 100 things in less than 2 minutes while I was in the bathroom that totals a loss of $3,000 and you can’t make out with your sister in the shower that’s weird. or you can’t eat lipgloss or smother yourself in all of your food. and you can’t touch your diaper. and you can’t touch knives and why have there been so many glass pieces in my feet I’ve walked around with for days multiple days a year and you can’t lock mommy outside until firemen show up and all the neighbors think I hunt myself even though I’m not even like that for anybody to see I don’t think.. why did they think that??? and you’re afraid to tell anybody bc they think they have the solution and you can’t tell them their wrong. and you live alone. but not alone but with minds that experience everything you’re experiencing but for the first time…. And you’re in charge of making it magical or else they might get your suicidal ideations. Holidays. Appointments. Taxes. Paperwork. every single cleaning detail. 98 hours+ a week. outdoors everyday, development everyday, enriching activities everyday, music for kids and appropriate adult music times everyday, shopping, fun activities and cooking that you have to include them in and when you do it takes 4x as long, good morning after goodnight . back hurting, wrists hurting, tailbone feels like it’s broken if you sit for too long, but you’ve been doing chores for so long on flat feet that your feet bone structure hurts and your hands rash even in summer for over washing, your butthole feels like it’s about to fall out if you sit in the toilet for too long on your phone. not to mention if you sit down anywhere they climb on you to regulate and it bothers you but it doesn’t until things start to fall or they start to wrestle you for your coffee. but if they’re not sitting on you they’re climbing in the counters and the tables to see what you tried to hide from them, or the couches and tables to jump off, even thought they have a huge slide that takes up all the play space. and it’s like whyyyy do you want to hurt your bodyy by trusting the world so hard just let me tell you yes or no and you see the future bc of this & then you’re afraid of being by yourself as a women outside with kids. you look over your shoulders every second , have a knife, a phone and a vape in all of your pockets, always making an escape plan. There’s never a break.

It’s not like anything regular you’ve ever known. It’s not even compatible. & it’s funny people even try to make comparisons. Bc this isn’t even the half of what it’s like to be a stay at home mom. This was just today.

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smallandfurious · 3 years

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random traits that make me think I may have autism, help appreciated if you can

I used to have weird attachments to lots of objects as a kid and I still do. I have this pen that I got when I was in the 4th grade and I still use it to this day hoping that it never breaks. I also refused to get a new phone bc I was so attached to my old and almost broken phone.

I feel incredibly alienated from everyone around me. the way I act, the way I talk, the way I speak or the way I think is just so incredibly different than everyone else.

it's like everyone was taught how to blend in and how to act in social situations in school one day while I was not there. i look at the way everyone interacts and it all just seems so natural, they seem so relaxed like it's the easiest thing to do on earth.

i stim a lot. like rocking back and forth which is what I'm doing even right now. I can't sit still and it stands out when I'm not trying to hide it. I am occasionally asked "do you need to pee?" because I can't sit still when my parents are having casual conversation with me

I always have intense focus on certain topics. I used to be obsessed with my little pony for 4 years. I was obsessed with learning English for a couple years which is the reason why I can speak it now. I had a weird obsession with sirens (not the mythological creature) for 2 weeks straight. I was strangely obsessed with giant squids for a while. whenever i get into something, it's like it's the only thing I can think of or talk about.

I'm really jumpy when it comes to sounds. I'm pretty sure I'm quite sensitive to sounds in general. also it's like sometimes when someone speaks to me I can tell that they're speaking but I can't make sense of it. like they're speaking another language?

i sometimes focus extremely hard on a topic and I can spend up to 5 hours doing that thing. I will ignore my basic needs like nutrition because I don't want to stop doing that thing. whenever I'm interrupted I get extremely angry and I find it difficult to go back to doing it later

the opposite of this issue, I find it difficult to start or complete tasks even when I know how important they are

without a desire to work on something i just fail to notice my bodily needs too like I can go days without proper nutrition or hydration and hygiene. i just eat or drink things whenever i feel like it but not because I need it to stay alive

i have food obsessions and I will always find myself eating that food for weeks on end. like string cheese, donuts, coffee, cookies crumbled into yogurt, uncooked blocks of instant noodles are some of my past food obsessions.

I tend to have an incredible dislike for foods with undesirable textures. like I have to cook my own eggs because sometimes there's uncooked parts of it and if I try to eat it I will most likely gag. I also always hated peppers. they're too soggy and mushy when they're cooked and when they're raw their seeds get everywhere and they're crunchy in a weird way

i have a thing for textures in general i think. if I touch something that makes me feel weird, I tend to flail my arms around and I get tics. it's like an itch that you can't scratch i think.

to elaborate on that feeling, I tend to get it when I'm just frustrated or if I interact with some sort of sensory input that I don't like. my thoughts become blurred, I get small tics. i keep moving my head around or bringing my arms to the back of my neck and around my head, I swing back and forth and I get uncomfortable with my posture. i keep moving around to try and get comfortable but the more uncomfortable i get the more frustrated i become which increases this feeling

ever since I started using headphones, I would always use them. whether I'm in school or walking in a crowded street where I can't even hear the music, I just constantly have them around. ever since the age of 12 i think

i do have echolalia to some degree. if I hear a phrase or a music lyric that thing just repeats in my head over and over and it drives me crazy sometimes. i verbalize it when it comes to some of them but others are just in my mind

speaking of my mind I daydream so much to the point where I can't focus on anything at all. it takes me 5 minutes at most to completely get distracted and I can't control it.

i want to not speak sometimes. like I want to get my thoughts out in some way but verbal communication just seems exhausting. maybe a communication device would be really helpful idk there are times where I feel like speaking though but it's mostly like one big paragraph worth of speech and then I shut up again

i do feel emotions or have reactions but I don't feel the need to express them. i always fake laughs or reactions in conversations because that's whats expected of me. while I do feel things, it's just tiring to let people know that I'm feeling them

every time I'm in a social situation, I focus a lot on how I'm perceived? like not in an anxious way it's more like trying to figure out if the way that I act or respond is accurate to how I'm expected to be in that situation

i could be sitting alone in my room which is quiet but I could suddenly focus on a small ringing sound of a tv or the cars passing by outside so much and it drives me crazy

my views tend to be a lot on the "everything is a social construct" side and it keeps me from interacting with the world at all

if someone is yelling at me or yelling in general, if someone speaks loudly around me, i get really anxious

if I have plans, I base my entire week around it and I reenact possible scenarios regarding it in my head, constantly thinking of that thing and if it somehow gets cancelled I feel incredibly upset

i wear a certain article of clothing for weeks on end because it's what I'm comfortable with the most. the shirt I'm wearing right now is probably not the most hygienic and it has a lot of holes in it because it's just so old but it keeps me warm the right amount and the texture doesn't make me feel bad so I like it

a sense of organization within what most people would consider a mess. my drawers are full of unnecessary garbage but if someone told me to pull out a pen from it I'd easily do it. there's a pile of clothes in one corner of my room but that corner is for when I need a sweater or hoodie when it gets cold and it's sitting there to remind me of options for when I feel cold but I don't know how to fix it

i can't remember people's faces? most the time I recognize people by their clothes and their hair or other defining features. if they somehow change those things, I have a hard time differentiating them

I'm used to routines. not in the productive and organized way. I like doing the same things because if things go the way i want I don't have to spend energy on planning or getting used to situations. I carry a brown sharpie, a random gift card and a single key in my pocket bc they somehow ended up there and I'm used to them being there

i zone out whenever I'm overwhelmed? I don't feel like speaking or moving, I just simply go paralyzed. occasionally having a thought or moving my hand slightly and all that

i come off as rude sometimes when I express an opinion when I had no negative or positive meaning behind my words. it was just a neutral observation yet people think I'm being insulting or indicating something. I could be overly apologetic or elaborate on my thought to make myself more understood but I simply don't have the energy for that.

for now this is all I can think of. please do let me know if you have any ideas as to what could be the source of all this. this will also be a list for my own sake so sorry if they seem a bit messy

edit: i started seeing a therapist and turns out I do have sensory issues so

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noctumbra · 4 years

Text

❝dolly❞

summary ─ “you planned,” he murmured. his eyes were dark, aroused and sparkling. you nodded mutely. “we’ll eat first,” he stated. “i want my dessert after my meal.”

pairing ─ chubby!bucky barnes x housewife!reader

warnings ─ smut, +18, table sex, praise kink, kissing, stupid pet names, bucky is so in love holy moly, slightly dom!chubby!bucky

a/n ─ i’m coming behind, i know but y’all are and will be getting your smut until i’m done with these tropes ehehe (what this means: i will write all the tropes, but i’m going slow now bc i don’t wanna do an ass job by forcing myself to write it!) thank you all for the comments you leave on the previous shots! ik i don’t return to you but i read every single one of them, even the tags! thank you <3333 hope you like this one, too! please leave a comment if you do! <3

KINKTOBER DAY SEVENTEEN: chubby!bucky + housewife!reader + table sex + praise kink

You were humming to yourself as you prepared the table for tonight.

Bucky usually came home very tired; his job at Stark Industries was a desk one and it was constantly giving him back pains. He had also put on… a little weight ever since he had accepted this job. Sometimes he did feel self-conscious about his now chunky thighs, chubby cheeks and protruding belly. He used to be a very fit man with six packs and bulging biceps.

You didn’t mind, though. You took pride in it, to be honest. You were keeping him happy and fed, and the proof of it was standing before you; all soft and huggable. More place to grab and love on, you always told him whenever he got a little shy about his body. It always eased him out of his restlessness.

You straightened up and fixed your summer dress. Checking the clock, you knew he’d be home soon─ You chuckled when you heard his keys clinked. Right on time, you thought, nice.

“Babylove, I’m home!” You heard your husband call out to you softly. He was being careful just in case if your little one was asleep already. He didn’t need to worry for tonight, though; you had made sure of that.

“Hello, honey,” you greeted him with a kiss on the lips and took his jacket. He smiled at you cheekily when you pulled back. “How was work?” You asked and hung his jacket as he toed his shoes off, untying his tie. Bucky sighed.

“Tiring, as usual. Tony was around so today was a little fun,” he shrugged. You hummed. “He mocked with Rumlow and sort of annoyed the hell out of him in the middle of everyone, and Rumlow couldn’t do anything since he’s the boss, y’know?” Bucky chuckled. “That bit was fun. Steve imitated Rumlow after he left.” You grinned; you could see Steve doing exactly that.

“Well, I’m glad,” you said and hugged him briefly. Feeling his soft tummy against your body, inhaling his so familiar cologne, you sighed happily and buried your smile into his chest. Bucky scoffed a surprised chuckle but hugged you back immediately. He was resting his cheek on your head, arms around your waist, he swayed you from side to side. You giggled.

“Go change,” you told him when you pulled away a little. “Dinner’s ready.” Bucky hummed and leaned in for a kiss, but stopped just before your lips met.

“Kiss me first, order me around second,” he whispered, making you giggle again. You nodded and tightened your arms around him. Bucky smiled as your lips met for a passionate kiss. His soft and wet ones stroked yours perfectly; tongue poking your bottom lip, licking a flat line over it, you moaned, giving way to his playful tongue. Bucky chuckled darkly into the kiss as he deepened it.

“Mmm, fuck, dolly,” he murmured when he pulled back. “You got some fire in you tonight,” he added, eyes glinting with desire under the lights. You felt your cheeks heating up at the pet name and nodded. “Mmm,” he hummed again. “I’ll be in the kitchen in two minutes, honey.” He pulled back and made his way to the bedroom.

Just before you stepped into the kitchen, you heard his curious voice: “Hey, where is Charlie?” You felt your cheeks heating up even more at the question.

“Um, he’s at your mother’s,” you answered. “He’s gonna stay the night.” There was silence for the next couple minutes, and you fidgeted at your place by the fridge. Then, you heard him chuckle darkly, and he walked inside, his work outfit still on him.

“You planned,” he murmured. His eyes were dark, aroused and sparkling. You nodded mutely. “We’ll eat first,” he stated. “I want my dessert after my meal.” Gasping softly, you nodded one more time and moved towards the counter to get the food on the table.

You ate your dinner in silence. Bucky’s eyes were finding yours constantly across the table. His hand was on your bare thigh, squeezing the soft skin there from time to time. He’d comment on your cooking skill between his bites, moaning and making sounds of approval. Every single sound he let out got you even wetter in your flimsy panties that you bought just for this occasion. The urge to rub your thighs together was too strong, but the hand on your thigh was stopping you from doing so.

“Dinner was delicious, dolly,” Bucky complimented as you were washing the dishes. There were only a few plates and a couple utensils. Rest of the food was for tomorrow night. You thanked him quietly. Bucky just smiled at you, not moving from his seat on the table. He opened the first few buttons of his shirt, though.

You were drying your hands with the small towel when his arms sneaked around you and he plastered his body against yours, caging you against the unforgiving counter. His nose was nudging your hair at your nape; his whiskers were tickling the sensitive skin there. One of his hands moved towards your dress skirt. Hiking it up just a little, he sneaked his hand upwards. Bucky hummed thoughtfully when his fingers came in contact with your lace underwear.

Inhaling deeply, Bucky groaned. “You’re teasing me ever since I came home, babylove.” He kissed your neck, slipped his fingers in your panties. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed the way you leaned over the table so that I can see those gorgeous breasts of yours.” His free hand grabbed your breast, squeezing it softly, his fingers flicked the nipple that was visible through the thin fabric of your dress.

“Are they aching still, honey?” He asked. His arousal-deep and raspy voice was hitting every single button you have. You nodded.

“Yes, Bucky,” you answered. He hummed, and his hands left your body for a second. Just before you whimpered with the loss, you felt his fingers moving the straps of your dress down from your shoulders. You shivered at the feather-like touches. Bucky kissed your now-bare shoulder. He helped you get your arms out of the straps and turned you around. Caging you even more, Bucky pulled the front of your dress down to expose your braless breasts.

“Lemme soothe the pain, dolly,” he murmured before he closed his lips around your aching nipple. You moaned, sharp and loud at the sudden pain mixed with pleasure. Bucky hummed around the swollen areola, sucking it hard. You still had milk, still breastfeeding your little one; Charlie was only two years old anyway. So, it wasn’t a surprise when your milk flooded into Bucky’s mouth. He moaned loudly around your nipple, causing you to throw your head back and moan, too.

“Fuck, fuck! Bucky─” You gasped when his teeth grazed the sensitive skin. Bucky ignored your pleading; he focused on only the amazing ambrosia that was having his taste buds sing at the moment. Bucky pulled back only for a second and a short breath, and closed his mouth around the other nipple. You cried out, your fingers slotting themselves in Bucky’s short hair and you pulled on them harshly. Bucky sucked hard on your nipple, sort of forcing the milk to leak into his mouth. “Bucky, ‘m─ Shit, ‘m close!” You couldn’t believe that you were about to come just because your husband was feeding himself with your milk.

“Oh, shit!” You cried out as you came, legs trembling, hands flying to grab at his shoulders to stay upright. Bucky pulled back from where he was suckling with a loud ‘pop’ sound. He held you against his body, his tummy supporting you gently.

“Sssh, honey, you’re fine,” he murmured. He placed a kiss to the valley of your breasts and trailed kisses to your neck and face and eventually kissed you on the lips chastely. You hummed as you tasted your milk. “’s good, isn’t it?” He arched a brow and smirked. You stayed silent because you didn’t need to answer his question.

Bucky turned you around with him, making you walk backwards. Without getting a chance to see where he was leading you, your thighs hit the table you just had your dinner on. You looked at Bucky, eyes wide and brows high on your forehead. Bucky just smirked devilishly, hoisting you up by your thighs, he laid you down on the table. He still had some of his old strength, and it made him feel good about himself a little.

“I told you I’ll have my dessert after the meal, dolly,” he murmured against the bare skin of your inner thighs and inched upwards. “’s what I’m doing right now.” You felt your face heating up. “Mmm, you smell amazing baby,” he praised as his nose nudged the soft hair that was dusting over your pussy.

“Bucky,” you whined, eyes closed. Bucky hushed you and dove in. His tongue licked a flat line from your slit to your clit and sucked your clit for a second, causing you to moan loudly. His lips closed around your clit as he sucked softly, and he slipped two of his fingers inside your already dripping wet pussy. “Fuck,” you moaned, face pinching with pleasure.

“Fuck is right, honey,” Bucky groaned, “You taste and smell so fuckin’good. Lookit this, dolly, you’re fuckin’ dripping, holy shit.” Bucky groaned again and kissed your inner thighs. You pawed his shoulders. All the compliments he gave you were getting to you slowly.

“Please,” you mewled. “Bucky, please.” He hushed you once more and stood straight. His fingers were still pumping in and out of you at a steady pace.

“Come for me one more time, and I’ll give you my cock, dolly,” he ordered. “Come on, do it and you’ll get it.” His fingers were making obscenely slick sounds because how fast the pace got. You moaned. Your thighs started to tremble around his waist and you knew you were close. “Gim-mee,” Bucky sang, pressing his thumb on your clit and that was it. That all it took.

You cried out as you came on his fingers, barely noticing that he had unzipped his pants and pulled his cock out. He slid inside of you while you were still riding your orgasm. You shouted when you felt his cock in you and bucked your hips against him. He pressed down your stomach, keeping you still. Bucky moaned when he felt your slick and warm walls ripple around his hard cock.

“Fuck, dolly, you feel so fucking good,” he breathed. His hot breath against your neck made you shiver violently under him. You panted wildly beneath his body. Finally coming down from your orgasm, even though slowly, you mewled softly. “There ya go, honey love, sssh.” His hips started to move a little, slow.

You whimpered at the oversensitivity. It was at the point of being too much, but it wasn’t. It was exactly how you loved it, and Bucky knew this already. You grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him down for a kiss. Chuckling, Bucky went with it. His lips found yours easily, sliding over yours, stroking them, he kissed you passionately, lovingly. His hips were still moving slowly.

“Faster, please,” you whispered against his lips, and Bucky promised you that he would, too, obey in your wedding vows, so he complied. His pace got faster, inching the table up for an inch with each thrust, and you moaned, pulling back from his kiss. “Yes, yes! There! Mmm, please!” You bared your throat to his mercy. Bucky grunted at the sight before him and let his hips move even faster. His balls were threatening him to empty at any second, and he had to give in at some point, so he brought his fingers to your clit. He started to rub it fast and jerky moves, going with the same pace he had set with his thrusts.

“Bucky!” You exclaimed. “Fuck! Oh─” You moaned.

“Yeah, baby,” Bucky hummed. “You’re doing so good, dolly. Come for me, yeah? Come for me and I’ll give you another pup, c’mon,” he moaned. You screamed. Your orgasm had sunk its teeth earlier than you expected, you realized as you got lost in the pleasure. Bucky groaned loud and deep as he, too, lost himself in pleasure. His cock twitching as it emptied itself into you, Bucky hid his face in the valley of your breasts.

“Fuck,” you gasped, chest heaving. Bucky chuckled and kissed the available naked skin just under his lips. “Oh my God, we just had sex on the kitchen table.” Bucky chuckled again, but this time it turned into a full belly-laugh. “Shut it, Barnes!” You pushed him by the shoulder, giggling slightly.

“Don’t tell me you hated it,” he said. “I bet you find it hot, didn’t ya, Mama?” You felt your cheeks heating up, traitors, and shrugged. Bucky grinned cheekily. “Though, I would love to have the second round on the bed. My back has been killing me these days,” he murmured. Then, his eyes found yours. They were sparkling dangerously. You narrowed your own, looking suspicious.

“What?” You asked. “What is it that you’re planning?” He smirked darkly.

“Wanna ride me, beautiful? Hm?” You moaned accidentally. “Yeah? You would, huh? Gonna ride me hard? Gonna let me feed your hungry womb with my come even more?”

“Bucky…” You breathed. He hoisted you up, helping you wrap your arms around his neck after he stepped out of his pants.

“Yeah, you will,” he concluded as he walked towards the bedroom, you in his arms and his cock still in you.

Tonight was going to be a long one, you decided.

Plan accomplished.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes au #bucky barnes imagines #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes smut #chubby!bucky #kinktober 2020

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mikelogan · 2 years

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Anyone have any #lifehacks to make grocery shopping/meal planning/cooking easier?

For background: I will be working from home starting in May and I truly think this will help me eat a LOT less fast food bc rn, that's what I do for lunch every single day at work. Obviously this is going to save me a ton of money, too. However, a few challenges:

I am an EXTREMELY picky eater, always have been. I've gotten a lot better at trying new things, but if I don't like something, I can't force myself to eat it

This means I find favorites, eat them for like. Every meal and then get sick of them for a while.

I don't know if this is like... a disorder? For lack of a better word, or if I really am just picky

I have multiple chronic illnesses, and along with pain, fatigue plays a huge part in my lack of desire to cook or going to the store (I do use Walmart grocery pickup, like I legit have not been in that store more than a handful of times since the pandemic began)

Did I mention I hate cooking? Lmao I always have but I also have a very small kitchen and very little storage

I also live alone (except for my 2 kitties) and since being on my own I've realized it's actually kind of hard to grocery shop for a single person

#ramblings #send help lmao

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t4tlawlight · 4 years

Photo

Occam's razor is the principle that, of two explanations that account for all the facts, the simpler one is more likely to be correct.

this post is going to cover traits specific to the manga and the television drama, since those are the best adaptations to showcase L’s autism. THIS POST is required reading before you read anything i’m about to type, because it explains what kind of character niche L falls into--an unintentionally autistic coded character. i’ll talk more about that at the end.

i’m going to talk about manga L first, since he’s the original version after all. i’m going to go in order of physical traits, to behavioral, to his character writing. also, tumblr eats posts that have outside links, so i’m going to have my non-tumblr sources in a separate post, here.

anyways, more under the cut!

MANGA/ANIME:

sitting with his legs up and spine bent / sitting on the floor

this is such a big one and its extremely common in ppl with autism. sitting in chairs normally is uncomfortable to outright painful w many ppl with these disorders, myself included. L sitting like that (which, to recall, is a blatant homage to sherlock holmes, another character that is so blatantly autistic coded you can find absolutely ridiculous amounts of writing on the topic) and being like "I HAVE TO SIT LIKE THIS TO THINK PROPERLY" is so autistic. like sitting in a certain way to give you specific sensory stimulus/avoid distracting discomfort and pain is a thing. i found this post (1) written by an autistic person on the topic of sitting in chairs being uncomfortable, and it says as much:

“I suspect that seating discomfort is common in autism (though by no means limited to autistic people). Many of us, particularly as children, benefit greatly from chairs designed to be non-stationary: rocking chairs, “fidget” chairs, and so forth. These can improve focus, compensate for proprioceptive hypo-sensitivity, and alleviate restlessness. In short, many “attention issues” can be fixed simply by providing a little motion for the person sitting. Small change, huge results. That's what accommodations do at their best. They make (often minor) adjustments that have profound impacts.”

so when L says that sitting the way he does, for a specific sensory experience, improves his ability to think, it’s perfectly in line with this idea. Also it’s a good pressure stim.

standing with a slouch / shifting his weight around

to begin: yes! it’s very common for autistic people to stand or walk oddly for a number of different reasons, from physical comorbidity to other issues such as dyspraxia (see: movie L). From an article by YAI (2), an I/DD (intellectual and/or developmental disabilities) community program:

“Kyphosis (a curved spine), collapsed chest, dropped shoulders and even scoliosis are observed in many of our patients. These myriad of postural issues may result from reduced strength, decreased biomechanical stability, or from a sensory impairment, such as apraxia.

Depending on the scene, L has mild to severe kyphosis which is very common in autistic individuals. Other things mentioned in that article if you want to click on it is instability in standing, where you sort of shift your weight around a lot between your feet or rest all of your weight on one foot, which L is literally doing the first time we see all of him.

speaking with a monotone voice.

i obviously can’t show a picture for this one and it honestly depends on the voice actor you find for L, but in the anime in particular L has a very flat tone. a lot of this is bc he has a dry sense of humor but. just know that it’s very common for autistic people to have a flat affect (or go the other way into being too loud/emotive).

his eating habits.

a lot (a LOT) of autistic ppl myself included can only eat certain kinds of food for texture and flavor reasons. HOWEVER there’s a term in the autism community called “samefoods” which is really well put by tumblr users candidlyautistic and autism-asks:

“Samefoods or samefooding is a community word to describe the autistic trait of eating the same food over, and over and over . . . It is part sensory, part routine driven in most cases. A lot of times we samefood because we need that particular mouthfeel / texture / taste, and a lot of times even after that need passes, it turns into a need for routine until you actively dislike that food again.”

“Samefooding on the other hand is closer to a special interest. When I have a samefood (chocolate ice cream, currently), I really, really want that food. I could eat that food endlessly and not get tired of it. I will get upset if I’m not able to have the food in a day. For me, it usually is kind of routine based as well. For instance, with my current samefood, I have some in the evenings and it’s become part of how I wind down from my day.”

we don’t know exactly why L specifically desires sweet food or if he considers it part of his routine, but what we do know is that he really wants to eat sweet food and avoids eating anything other than sweet food, so it could either be that he’s a picky eater and can’t handle savory or he’s samefooding on sweets!

wearing the same clothes

L wears the same clothes every single day. It’s also worth noting that what he does wear is baggy, too-big clothing, the kind that wouldn’t be tight and uncomfortable. once again, sensory issues are a huge thing for autistic individuals. one of my favorite aspects is that in no adaptation does he wear socks. even L wears shoes, he wears them like slippers, not putting them on all the way. people comment that he seems like he’s poor, but we know for a fact that he’s very rich and that wearing these clothes is a personal choice he made.

not caring for himself/outsourcing his self-care

i don’t think one day is exactly canon, rather it’s an exaggeration of what might actually happen--i.e. L doesn’t have a huge closet full of the same outfit, but he does have several versions of the same outfit on rotation; L doesn’t use a human washing machine, but Watari might help him/encourage him to bathe regularly. One Day is a parody comic, but it was made by the creators for a reason and that reason is that L pretty obviously relies on a caretaker (Watari) for his personal needs. Watari, in the manga proper, cooks and cleans and does most things for L. we’ll come back to this topic when we get to the drama though.

doing stimming behaviors

if you don’t know what stimming is, it refers to self-stimulating behaviors, usually involving repetitive movements or sounds. everyone stims to some extent, but in autism it tends to be more obvious, go on for longer, and sometimes be more disruptive to others. it’s often used to help deal with sensory overload, or used to express feelings--think of an autistic person being happy and flapping their hands in the air.

there are a LOT of instances of L displaying stimming behavior, from stacking his food or things on his desk, to spinning in his chair, to biting his fingers/using them to press on his lips, to wriggling and tapping his toes. here are some specific instances:

there are a lot more. i’ll talk about more when we get to dramaverse, but if you rewatch/reread death note it’s definitely worth noting whenever L does something like this!

detective work as a special interest

ok, first and foremost i want to establish what a special interest is. Tumblr user cartoon has my favorite explanation of what a special interest is that i’ve seen to date:

“To have a deep, intense, passionate and incredibly focused / narrowed interest in a certain area of study, subject, topic or thing - to the exclusion of other interests. This interest is something that exists for the long-term, most often lasting for multiple months, years, or even you’re entire life “

L says that he only does detective work because it’s a hobby, and he finds it entertaining. We’ve also seen that he’s been at it for quite some time--if you take side content (the wammy’s house comic, LABB) seriously, then he’s been at it since childhood, with unwavering interest. it definitely comes across to me as L having a special interest in detective work, rather than it just being a normal hobby or a job for him, especially since he says it isn’t out of any moral obligation.

germaphobia

Germaphobia is very common for individuals with autism. a lot of the time it’s actually sensory issues associated with “dirty” things, and a lot of the time it’s because features of OCD are heavily comorbid with autism, including contamination OCD and such fears. regardless of the reason, though, L’s aversion to touching Bad Things is a very autistic behavior, and so is his resulting quirk that he tends to hold things in a very odd manner!

muted emotional expression

this is getting more into L’s character, but L tends to feel and express emotions in a very muted way. not to say he doesn’t have them, but for instance in the example above, L doesn’t have a solid grasp on what exactly he’s feeling. he thinks he might be acting irrationally and overemotionally because he logically should be afraid, but he isn’t sure, and none of these emotions present themselves visibly.

i’ve also seen it said that Ukita’s death is another good example of his muted response to emotion--he tells Aizawa to stay rational and his voice doesn’t waver as he tells him as much, but he holds himself tightly. for someone with poor emotional competence, these physical signs of distress can be hard to read in oneself, but Aizawa (a man who is extremely in-tune with his emotions) can tell immediately.

high logic, low empathy

L is also a character who, like many autistic people, lacks a certain degree of empathy. it’s not that he doesn’t have any, but it’s limited enough--and he values logic over it enough--that he’s willing to make extreme decisions and take a “ends justify the means” approach (such as using people as bait.) in the example above, L takes a moment to work through what it must actually feel like, which rings as very autistic.

bluntness/not caring about social convention

there are so many examples of this i honestly could list them all day, but L is a character who is very to-the-point and doesn’t care about mincing his words. he can be outright rude to the people around him, especially if he considers them not worth basic courtesy. see: Matsuda.

DRAMAVERSE

if you all knew me you should have known this section is inevitable. i’m not going to talk about every single adaptation because i do not have the time and the only other adaptation that is meaningful in that regard is the movieverse (i am fairly certain that movie L is dyspraxic) but on account of the fact that i don’t care about them i won’t subject you all to them here.

anyway, drama L shows much the same traits as animanga L above (they are, after all, technically the same character) but he displays them in different ways.

he has a much more advanced degree of germaphobia, with Watari saying he’s sensitive to outside air and spraying everyone who enters his space with disinfectant, but not making them wash their hands or anything like that, so we can kind of tell that his issues are more rooted, again, in a fear of germs rather than any actual medical issue. he wants to feel as though he is clean, not necessarily actually be clean. this is very common in contamination OCD, which has a high comorbidity with autism. (my girlfriend has a very good headcanon post about drama L and OCD that isn’t so much analysis than just plain fun, but it’s worth a read!)

he stims, but he has a different array of stims than animanga L--he chews on his jelly pouch bottles,

he tosses it between his hands,

he kicks his feet,

and he bounces in his chair.

he still sits in an unconventional manner. he still samefoods, this time even more exclusively--he only eats Lucky Charge jelly pouches and nutritional bars. Watari onscreen puts his shirts on for him, as well as cooking, cleaning, and mending his clothes for him.

however, there are a few traits that are drama-exclusive that i think really add to an analysis of his autism!

social scripting

social scripting and echolalic scripting are both commonly described as “scripting,” but are very different! echolalic scripting is like echolalia, but echolalic scripting is the recitation of longer passages of dialogue from things the individual has heard before. but social scripting is when you memorize common conversations so you can rattle it off without worrying too much! this can be very handy, such as exchanging basic pleasantries or ordering food, but it can also backfire if someone responds in a way your script’s not set up for. you can find more information on the difference in this video (3).

now, this relates to L in that there are two separate scenes where L says the same thing, rather inappropriately:

L: When I consider Kira’s personality, could it be that the strong-willed daughter is Kira? Or could that sweet-looking son of yours surprise us by proving to be him? You never know what humans are hiding beneath the surface... Soichiro: Enough. L: Sorry. It was just a joke.

-- Episode 2

L: Light-kun. Oh, I’m sorry... If I called you “Yagami-san,” it would be the same as what I call your father. Light: That’s okay. Call me whatever you want. L: Then what about Kira? (silence) L: It's a joke.

-- Episode 4

one could say that L just has a terrible sense of humor--and, of course, having a poor grasp of humor is common with autistic individuals--but the fact that he says nearly the same thing as a defense twice makes me feel as though he has it rehearsed as a defense when people react poorly to things he’s said, which happens often.

mirroring and echolalia

echolalia was briefly covered in the previous example, but for those unaware, via wikipedia (4):

Echolalia is the unsolicited repetition of vocalizations made by another person (when repeated by the same person, it is called palilalia). In its profound form it is automatic and effortless.

mirroring, on the other hand, is explained as such, also via wikipedia (5):

Mirroring is the behavior in which one person unconsciously imitates the gesture, speech pattern, or attitude of another. Mirroring often occurs in social situations, particularly in the company of close friends or family. The concept often affects other individuals' notions about the individual that is exhibiting mirroring behaviors, which can lead to the individual building rapport with others.

both of these are very common in autism, and they’re exemplified while L’s character is established watching his favorite TV show, Owarai Paradise. On one occasion, he’s watching the show and this dialogue happens:

Hiroshi: Despite never telling her how I felt, I still got dumped. I am Hiroshi. Watari: Who was this one again? L: He is Hiroshi. Hiroshi: I am Hiroshi. I am Hiroshi.

-- Episode 2

it’s important to note that in Japanese, “He is Hiroshi” and “I am Hiroshi” are said, at least in this instance, exactly the same, so L is echoing precisely what he’s heard.

On another occasion, L is again watching the show with a glass of wine (seemingly acquired simply to imitate the characters onscreen, as he never drinks it) and when the characters onscreen toast their glasses, L does the same, mirroring them.

CONCLUSION

I linked a post at the very beginning of this analysis talking about how characters are unintentionally autistic coded, and it’s important to understand how this unintentional coding is different from a headcanon--i didn’t make up these traits. they aren’t something that only exist in my head that i ascribe to L for fun.

i made this analysis both because i wanted to share L’s autistic coding in one cohesive place, because plenty of people have made lists before, but none that i could find that included so many examples with images and explanations--and i also made it because of the old ryuzaki persona “theory.”

for those unaware, the ryuzaki persona headcanon suggests that L faked all of these traits in order to make people uncomfortable, to put them off-guard and better mask his identity. i’ve seen posts about people claiming that nobody could actually behave in these ways, that L would surely be unhappy and uncomfortable sitting like that, or eating like that, or engaging in any of these behaviors. I’ve seen some people outright say that L isn’t autistic, but his persona is--that is, he’s pretending to be autistic.

i named this essay “occam’s razor” because, to me, L being autistic is the simplest answer to account for all of these traits. claiming that an autistic coded character is faking it is ableist and it just doesn’t make sense with anything else we know about his character.

but if you want to know more about that, i recommend reading eyecicles’ first!L tag. it’s debunked it in more ways than i ever could.

anyways, in conclusion

#death note #death note drama #death note analysis #L lawliet

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balkanradfem · 4 years

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So I've talked before about my burning desire to go and build a separatist tribe of women in nature, preferably in forest next to a mountain or somewhere far out so that nobody would bother us. I've been keeping on building that dream in my head, but also in many practical ways, trying to prepare myself for it. This tribe would have to function out of capitalism, off grid, without the use of money or even electricity, unless one day I figure out how to produce some. So we use only technology that is not harmful to nature and produce everything we need to survive.

It sounds so surreal, but it's not a particularly wild idea, because humans have been doing this for millenia and lived, I presume, with way less of their population depressed and suicidal. It wasn't more than 80 years ago humans lived without electrity or modern commodities, my 85yo neighbour can still remember bathing in collected rainwater and washing the clothes in the river. (Don't worry, we wont have to wash the clothes in the river, I found a way.)

So what I'm proposing is in fact, far more reasonable, climate conscious and healthy than living in capitalism, only problem is: It's less convenient.

We're to assume it's convenience that brings us comfort and happiness, but I'm about to propose a counter-argument: It's not. It's boring and makes everything very impersonal and unsatisfactory. I can tell, but only because I've been shifting into that inconvenient, more-effort-put into survival kind of life. And, it's been a very fun, weird time.

So as you can see by my posts, I've been learning to grow food and to make meals from self-grown food only, and eating feels different. It's far from impersonal when you bring a handful of seeds into life, then harvest and store and eat that; you know where this food has been. You know the food's story and it's been interlaced with your own story to the point where it's no longer something you consume, you have memories with that food. It means something to you. And, it's way, WAY harder to throw it away. You do not waste what you build up from scratch.

I've also been venturing into other self-sustaining missions, like, cleaning products and preserving resources as you would in nature, figuring out hygiene without capitalism, and this is where my life got weird. If I wanna wash my hair, I go and make tea, then wash my hair in that. Funny snippet, lemon balm tea actually darkens your hair the more you use it, people in my life now legit think my hair is black, it's not! It's brown but the herb made it so dark nobody can tell. I've since found out there are also herbs that make your hair lighter, or even give it a blue-ish glow! That is way fun. Washing hair like this is a more effort than shampoo, but I feel different about it. Proud I did that, or just happy I never have to buy a shampoo maybe.

If I wanna do laundry I'll go and cut open some conkers, since I still have a bag of unprocessed ones and they work as a detergent. If I wanna clean something I use vinegar I infused with orange peel, it smells amazing. If I need to go to the bathroom I'll skip on toilet paper and use family cloth. Now what is that? I actually heard someone on youtube say that word and researched it and found out that before toilet paper, people used rectangular strips of white cloth, to clean themselves, and they were all washed so it was reusable and wasted no resources since you could cut any old cotton shirt into strips and use it. Now a lot of people react with 'ewww' but hear me out: you don't use it for number two unless you have a washing liquid to immediately throw it into (I don't), and, do you throw away any underwear that you've used just once? They get about as filthy as that and then you put them thru boil cycle in the washing machine, they take so little space inside it's forgettable, and you can use them forever. I actually only had to buy toilet paper once, this entire year. 10/10. Also, extremely comfy and soft to use. If anyone wondered.

I also cook my food in weird ways, mostly having it wrapped in towels instead on a stove top, I rarely heat any bathroom water and either use cold or I also discovered I love heating a pot of water and just spilling it over myself instead of showering, it feels so good! It's so gentle and pleasant, showers are agressive and mean in comparison, it's like they hate you and are trying to spray you away. Water gently spilling from a pot on your body loves you and wants you to be happy and experience pleasure and love.

So I'm not trying to brag too much here but I haven't visited a grocery store in two months (figured out how to buy flour directly from the company lol) and maybe visited them 7 times this year altogether, isn't that kinda wild? And yes I'm giving myself a little star for good pandemic behaviour. I earned that. I just seem to not need stuff anymore unless they're oil and flour and maybe some salt and sugar. And it wasn't ... that hard. I mean okay, poverty and general anxiety are fueling my behaviour for sure, but it feels very much like... it's not that impossible to do without stuff, if you're crazy stubborn and don't have many alternatives.

I've also been prepairing for this life in a savage hermit hoarder type of matter; I've collected jars obsessively, stored every little produce net or bag that anyone brought to my place, I collect dumb promotional newspapers to start fires with in the future, and I can make baskets out of it, I stored every plastic cup or container ever because I can grow seedlings in those, I collected all seeds in any way available to me, I don't throw away any fabric anymore bc I can sew new things, any soft and spongy textured thing is stored to make seating space on future chairs and cushions, and I value every bit of knowledge coming my way only in regard to how it could help me survive.

I haven't figured out the medicinal side of this, or the social aspect, but at this point it feels very wrong for me to be in a city, renting out an apartment, and then living half like a little savage on the side and refusing to go to the store. I should be in my little cob house dammit, and cooking in my cauldron on top of a fire. I should be bathing in rainwater and have plants on every surface of my home. I should have soil available to grow all my food. And optimally have a big swing and a tree house and an obstacle course in the forest. I wanna drink water that I discovered in a spring or collected from rain and filtered with the coal I made. I wanna know how earthen floors feel under my bare feet.

So anyways, how many of you'd wanna join a tribe where we live in cob houses and tell stories around a fire and change our hair color with tea and presumably spill water over each other because hygiene is important? Also we never shave or care abt how our faces look and we shed the light onto downfall of capitalsm because I feel like, if we all (the population) just bought flour, oil sugar and salt, a lot of things would go down super fast.

#separatism #female separatism #prepairing for separatism #self sustaining life #eco friendly #sustainable living #anti capitalism

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sillyandquiteawkward · 3 years

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little father and bayley fic under the cut bc i forgot my ao3 password and im lazy. hope you enjoy

Food supplements and leafy greens sat on Doctor Bayley's plate, which he picked at distastefully. The Director of the Institute, Father, sat across from him, making decent headway with his own meal.

"I don't think I can ever learn to enjoy the food supplements. This flavor isn’t palatable either," Bayley curtly complained with a heavy sigh. He felt Father's lingering judgement upon him for refusing most of his meal again, without even having to look up. He poked at the slab of supplement with the tines of his fork. Even the various flavors the Institute boasted of supplements couldn't save Bayley from the pastes, powders, and bars turning his stomach. He was trying his best to find a flavor he could stand, but to Bayley, even mirelurk was easier to eat. At least the fresh vegetables were decent, if not simply boiled or baked if cooked at all. "I'd kill for some real meat on your menu."

"Come now, Doctor, we have little need to slaughter irradiated animals for food in this day and age. BioScience has developed the perfect meal dozens of times over, consisting of the exact amount of daily nutrients a man like yourself needs," Father replies coolly. Bayley glared at the older man. Of course he'd like them -- he grew up on the damn things. Well, Bayley grew up on real food!

"Designed a food that doesn't even fill your stomach," he mumbled behind his mug as he took a sip. Now to their credit, this was something Bayley actually liked. The coffee wasn't stale 200 year old beans and grounds. My god, they perfected the damn synthetic coffee and Bayley couldn't imagine going back.

Father confidently smirked, passing smoothly over Bayley's remark with a gentle shake of his head. "You poor surface dwellers, eating any and all the food you can scrounge to stave off hunger. I'm glad we were able to save you from that life. Give it time, Doctor. Your stomach will re-adjust to your new diet."

Bayley scoffed dismissively and set his fork down to keep nursing his coffee. Father took his own sip of tea. The pair fell into a dip of silence, accompanied by the gentle clink of silverware against plate as Father continued to finish off his lunch. Behind them a few tables over, there was a slight chatter from another pair of scientists in the cafeteria. Licking a crumb of food supplement left on the edge of his mug with a grimace, Bayley listened to their distant hushed conversation. Sounded like gossip about another scientist’s love affair... Hard to believe that even the “perfect” Institute could be filled with, what was ultimately, humans.

Father spoke up after a minute of Bayley straining to eavesdrop, "Why don't you tell me about yourself, Doctor?"

"...Why?" Bayley eyed Father suspiciously. "Don't you already know all about me? Isn't that why I'm here?"

Father took a warm sip of his mug before continuing. "I know about your reputation, or lack thereof." Bayley all but growled at the dig. "And I know you care deeply for the progress of humanity, as do I, albeit a tad misguided. You’re a highly intelligent man, Doctor, but I'm afraid I don't know about you, personally. I'd like to remedy that."

What could Bayley tell Father about? Why should he? Oh, but he loved to talk about himself... Bayley leaned back in his chair with folded hands in his lap, food left forgotten on his plate. "What is there to say? I'm a man married to his work, who likes breathing fresh air. On the surface."

“What got you into studying radiation?” Bayley noticed Father missed his complaint, or at least was ignoring it. “Surely you didn’t set out from the start on such a dangerous fascination.” Father had a look of curiosity on his face that seemed genuine to Bayley, although he still had suspicions this had ulterior motives.

“It was almost from the beginning actually. As I studied medicine in my youth, traveling along the Wasteland, I have to admit,” Bayley paused to consider his wording. “I had a distinct admiration of the ghoul’s ability to utilize radiation to build themself anew. The destructive power of radiation makes using it dangerous and even deadly, true, but I imagined a world where we could manipulate the human body to replicate how a ghoul’s body uses the gamma particles destructive properties to heal themselves, sans the ghoulification process of course.” Okay, so maybe he planned to be cagey, but Father just had to ask him about the thing he’s devoted his entire life to. Sorry, he’s gonna get excited. “I’d seen first hand ghouls reattach long lost limbs to themselves and remain functional, ferals even being brought back to life by glowing ones’ radiation bursts, and the stories of people growing functional limbs from radiation exposure caught my particular attention at a young age.”

“Fascinating things ghouls are, although their rotten brains and appearance are less than desirable. If anything their longevity is what catches my attention. Living over hundreds of years...” Father drifts off, looking past Bayley. “Imagine what one could achieve with that extra time.”

“Living forever doesn’t matter if you aren’t healthy,” Bayley corrected. “What’s the point of living if you are just suffering every day. I’m focusing myself to helping people in this day and age, instead of chasing functional immortality.”

“Maybe that’s the difference between us,” Father sighs. “Everything I do is for tomorrow, and tomorrow’s tomorrow. Humanity's future lies in our successor’s hands. It’s a shame we cannot directly work with our future generations to combine our knowledge. All we can do is help prepare them for when we are gone.”

“Eventually people in charge need to step down and let the fresh ideas in, otherwise we’ll collectively stagnate. We are stubborn creatures who hate change, snuffing out ideas that contradict our own. If someone like you lived forever, he’d never give up the reins.”

“I suppose you’d do the same,” Father states blandly, eyes half-lidded. “As you said, we are stubborn creatures.”

Bayley sputters, sitting back up in his chair. “No, I am the innovator in this scenario! I’ve been ostracized for my ideas, kicked out and shunned. No one sees my potential to change the world!”

“And in your age, have you begun to prepare an heir to your scientific knowledge, Doctor? Or do you think you can finish this chronicle yourself, with the few years left in your life?”

“I-I have to prove myself first! No one trusts my work because they don’t see the proof -- which I was working on when you so kindly stole me away from my clinic and subjects!” Bayley hissed, gripping the edge of the table.

Unphased, Father folded his hands on the table. “I trust your work, Doctor Bayley. I’ve seen your studies, seen what you can do when you are truly devoted to a cause. This is why I wanted you with us at the Institute. I want you to share your knowledge to us, so that we may pass it to the future with us. Let us help you ensure your legacy. We have the same goals, and we even have similar methods if you can believe it. Imagine what we can do together when we combine our knowledge, for humanity’s sake.”

Bayley raised an eyebrow at that. “Similar goals perhaps, but I wont be a part of the kidnapping and killing of Commonwealth citizens. You Institute folk are outrageously barbaric for all your self-righteousness.”

“We simply know how to weigh the importance of breaking a few eggs for the omelette. You too understand this principle closely, don’t you?”

Bayley grimaced flatly. “You truly know how to charm a man to your side.” This conversation was over if Bayley had anything to say about it, which he did. He gulped from his mug, keeping it up to his mouth as he turned physically away from Father. He’ll finish this and go back to his room. Trapped in the Institute with these madmen, forced to go along with things else suffer the same fate as the hundreds of others taken to the Institute. And Father had the gall to act like they were the same, that Bayley could excuse innocents murdered for “science.” He slammed the mug back onto the table.

“I hope you’ll understand one day soon, Doctor. I really do.” Father sighed, closing his eyes in defeat as Bayley stood up.

“I don’t want to understand,” Bayley said as he stormed past Father back to the concourse.

It was too much to think about, if Bayley was being honest with himself. He grit his teeth climbing the stairs, tense. A scientist descending the stairs stood to the side as Bayley passed, clearly wanting to give the angry man some space and avoid any conflict. Good. If he was to stay here, people should give way for him. Now if only Father was like that. He passed a pair of expressionless generation two synth guards eyeing their laser weapons as he ascended the next flight.

God, he was annoyed. Of course Father had to go ruin another meal together talking nonsense of Bayley hurting others. He tried his best not to hurt his subjects -- everyone was willing and importantly, no one had died under his care! Sick perhaps in the early days... but it wasn’t death! Bayley couldn’t stand the idea his great idea could possibly kill others when it was supposed to be helping them. If he was ever responsible for someone’s death...

Bayley slid open the automatic door to his small, barren room. It was just a simple bed and desk, which was plenty for Bayley, but he wished he had his trinkets and such if he was going to be living here until the day he dies. He collapsed onto the stiff bed, face pressing against the cool pillow. He missed his couch. He missed his clinic. Bayley even considered he missed being annoyed by Jonathan and Jay’s antics. Jay would try his best to cheer him out of this spiraling train of thought, and Jon would know plenty of things to distract him with.

If he was ever responsible for their deaths, Bayley considered he’d quit on the spot. He’d probably become deeply depressed until he really did just curl up and die, however fast it came after. All his life’s work to save humanity, and he’d killed the only people who trusted him most to do so.

But the truly terrible part of him hidden away deep in his heart wondered that if someone was to die as a result of his work, perhaps even if he wasn’t working willingly with the Institute, that he'd simply wouldn’t care.

#doc bayley #father #shaun #silly art tag

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