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pur-pled-aw-thor · 3 years

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I'm Smarter

Young! Remus Lupin x Fem! Reader

Summary: Y/n and Remus are not in best of terms. Trying to outsmart each other or just annoy the hell out of them. But one sudden turn of events made them realize each other's importance to their lives.

A/n: they're in 5th year and Gryffindor btw🧙‍♀️ sorry if you ain't in Gryffindor, same hun.

Wc: 7.9k (biiish i-)

Warnings: slooo-hohoho-w burn, harassment, mention of a loved one passing away, not proofread properly, fluffy fluuuuff.

Y/n is walking towards the Great Hall for lunch with her friends: Lily Evans, Marlene Mckinnon, and Alice Fortescue.

They became great friends since they were always assigned in the same room every year. They spent the mornings helping each other out with their hair and the whole night talking about boys and what happened around Hogwarts.

But boys are Marlene's specialty, that's why she kept giving Y/n and Lily options with whom they are cute to be paired with.

Even though there is magic with Marlene's skills, Y/n will still reject them. Y/n is very pretty, well, gorgeous actually. (A/n if you say you ain't, imma keep reminding you, you are gorgeous.)

She has (Y/h/c) and (Y/e/c) that makes the boys stare at her all day. Her wonderful curves and height added up with her looks.

But what attracts them the most, is her smarts and attitude. She wasn't a badass, but she's very nice and protective of the people she cares about. Her smarts made her stood out because she is also intelligent and that amazed the other students.

But there is a boy that can outsmart her by a small percentage especially with Defense Against the Dark Arts.

"Oi Y/l/n! Stop placing your arm over Lily dear! She's mine!" "Stop yelling at people when they touch Evans, Potter. Girls are not yellin' when you touch Black!" She exclaimed causing numerous people to laugh at Potter.

"You shouldn't yell, it makes you dumber." She heard one of them said causing them to laugh. She glared at the boy behind the book, she shoved the book down causing a few goblets to shake.

"What did you say, Lupin?" "I said 'you shouldn't yell, it makes you dumber.'" He said raising his head and their face is close enough that it caused tension between the two. Arms grabbed them both away from each other.

"You know you shouldn't be giving attention to Lupin. It'll only cause you trouble!" Lily exclaimed making Y/n sit down and eat lunch.

"You know you shouldn't be that cocky when you talk to her. It makes her feel like she deserves the attention." James whispered and Remus just read the book again.

Y/n looked over Remus and he was reading the stupid book again. She rolled her eyes and continued eating her lunch.

Remus moved his book a bit taking a glimpse of Y/n chatting with the girls. He furrowed his eyebrows and continued reading the book.

A few weeks after the incident, Y/n and Remus are still against each other and would continue to make the other feel dumber.

Insults are thrown here and there. Debates would occur out of nowhere causing numerous people to stop whatever they are doing. And fights rarely happen, but if it would, it would mean for their friends to take them to each side of the castle to stop it from happening.

"Valentine's day is happening next week. Any plans?" Marlene asked the girls and Y/n slid on her chair and hid her face with the book.

She doesn't hate the holiday. She just hates the way people celebrate it. Kissing, hugging, pink papers, confetti, gifts, and even the chocolates are shaped into hearts and placed inside a heart-shaped box.

She just doesn't get it.

She's not bitter, tons of boys would give her gifts and letters. But the only reason she accepts it is because of the chocolates. The normal ones though. Her admirers learned that when she gave Lily the heart-shaped chocolate, she received from a Hufflepuff.

They're staying at the library, trying to finish their homework for Potions. It started productively, but when Y/n and Lily finished, Marlene and Alice placed it aside and they'll just copy it later, hence the sudden topic of the said Holiday.

"Frank and I will be in Hogsmeade the whole afternoon," Alice stated and Marlene nodded, she then talked about how one of her suitors would take her to Hogsmeade too but they'll be there first thing in the morning.

With the two Gryffindor girls having a date, Y/n and Lily would be spending the whole day together in the Library or Common Room.

But she was wrong.

One of her suitors miraculously made Lily go with him on a date. When she said this, Y/n immediately felt left out. Well, why wouldn't she? All of her friends got a date and she doesn't. Even though she has a ton of boys at her doorstep, waiting for her to let one of them in.

"I'll be staying in the Common Room then. Waiting for you three while boys will start flooding me with gifts." She said not sitting up straight to face her friends, but she can feel the sympathetic looks from them.

"Why can't you just say 'yes' to one of them? Maybe just maybe, they'll be your soulmate." Alice stated causing Y/n to sigh.

"It's because they're a bunch of boys and I know the difference between a boy and a man." She said remembering what her father said to her.

"Remember Y/n, a boy makes promises and they never fulfill it, but a man will prove anything without even promising about it."

"And a man will treat you differently than a boy would. So, pick a man, not a boy. Don't waste love for a guy who wastes their saliva with phrases like 'I promise you.' 'I promise, it won't happen again.' and such."

Her father's word echoed in her head and she smiled because he taught her to be careful with whom she lets in her life.

They went to the Great Hall for dinner and Y/n noticed the silence at the other side of the table.

Normally, four unruly boys would be making a ruckus, but tonight it was very quiet. She looked at the four boys and the three talked quietly while one was submerged in a book.

'Why would they leave Lupin out of the talk?' she thought but then realized, she doesn't care.

Same with Remus, he doesn't care what the three are talking about. He knows they'll just make him go on a date with one of the girls that like him.

"You know, Remus. Going out to a date is good for you." James said trying to convince the sandy-haired boy.

He knows when they start to use First name basis, it’s either serious or very personal.

And he knows this isn’t a serious matter.

"Oh really? Why is that?" "Because you can relax and enjoy your time here at Hogwarts," Sirius said stealing Remus' book and holding it up.

"Give it back, Sirius!" He exclaimed causing a few students to look at them. Sirius stood up and still held it high, he knows he'll be able to reach the book because Remus was just an inch shorter than him.

So, what he did is he ran towards the girls and made Y/n hold on to it. "PLEASE TAKE IT!" Sirius exclaimed and Y/n took it, she is very oblivious to what is happening so she just took it and flipped through it.

"Sirius giv-" Remus reached the girls' side and he looked at Y/n, she looked at the book and realized it was Lupin's.

"DON'T GIVE IT BACK UNLESS REMUS GETS A DATE WITH SOMEONE!" James yelled and it caused the other girls to facepalm because he forgot they weren't the only ones there.

"No, she'll give it back. Won't you, Y/n?" Remus asked, reaching his hand out to take the book and Y/n looked at Black to Potter and Lily.

She sighed and stood up, placing the book inside her bag, and smiled at the people who were looking at her.

"Go get that date, Remus, then I'll give back your book." She said walking off and patted James on the back softly.

Her walk back towards the Common Room was very chaotic.

Well in her head at least.

'Why didn't you give it back?!' 'You wanker! Do you know what you just did?!' 'Were you proud of yourself? Because I'm not!' When she reached the common room, she immediately headed towards her room and that’s when she dropped her bag and laid face down on her bed.

She didn’t care if she couldn’t breathe properly, or her bag was a mess on the floor, what she cares about now is that she’s screwed.

Big time.

The next morning, she heard people talking outside their dorm. She looked around the room and saw that the girls are still asleep. It was Saturday and, normally, they slept in, but the commotion outside made it hard to sleep.

“What are they doing outside our door?” Lily asked groggily trying to rub the sleep away from her eyes. “I don’t know. I’m going to take a look.” Y/n said standing up from her bed and wearing her slippers.

“What in Merlin’s beard are you lot doing outside our door?!” She exclaimed causing people to squeal and walk away. But a few people pointed behind her and she saw an envelope taped up on the door and chocolates on the side of the frame.

“Students saw it earlier but no one saw who gave it.” One student said before leaving the scene.

Lily stood behind her and removed the letter while she took the chocolates inside, placing them beside the door and walking back again to her bed to continue sleeping.

“Just read the recipient and leave it, Lily.” She said covering herself with her duvet but Lily stood next to her with the letter, placing it on her table. “As you wish, darling,” Lily said and climbed back towards her bed. She sat up and took the letter in her hands.

To: Y/n Y/l/n

From: Your secret admirer, darling

Usually, she’ll just let Marlene read the letter and throw it inside her box filled with letters, but she has a feeling that she needs to be the one to read it.

Carefully opening the letter, she felt herself getting excited to read it. Unfolding the letter, there she saw a handwritten letter, a nice handwritten letter...

Dear Y/n

I’ve always admired you from afar, taking in every small detail from you. How you’d chew your bottom lip when you are concentrating, constantly tapping the end of your quill on the table when you can’t think of the answer, and how you let the sun rays hit your face every time you go outside for a walk.

No, I am not a stalker, but everywhere you go, we are also at the same place. And I would be there, trying to avoid your beauty and will fail miserably. You made me study harder for the sake of you getting to notice me. One day you will.

The chocolates are for you, I know you don’t fancy the heart-shaped ones, so I got you the normal ones from Honeydukes. I do hope you enjoy it, and yes, your friends can also enjoy some of it.

Have a nice day darling, hopes Merlin that I can have the courage to ask you out.

Your secret admirer.

She felt herself blushing, it was the first time she blushed at a letter from one of her suitors. She folded the letter and placed it back on the table. Standing up again because there’s no point sleeping now if she just felt giddy inside.

After taking a shower and finding comfortable clothes, she went to the Great Hall and ate breakfast by herself. Taking out a book and serving herself breakfast, a few minutes later, she felt someone sit in front of her, she placed her book down and rolled her eyes.

‘It’s too early for this.’ “What do you want, Lupin?” She asked annoyed at the boy in front of her. He smiled at her and she just finished her toast. “Can’t I just sit here with you?” He asked the Y/h/c haired girl and she just chuckled.

“Get lost.” She said looking him in the eyes. He sighed and looked at her seriously. “Just give me back my book and then I’ll leave.” He said taking a sip from his goblet and she shook her head.

“I can’t, you need to have a date,” She stated pouring herself water and taking a sip. “Besides, I don’t have it here.” She said looking at him and his face is just filled with hatred.

But his eyes beg to differ, she never noticed it though.

“You need to have a date before I can give you back the book, Lupin. I need to see you having fun with someone, or just a picture won’t hurt, good day.” She said standing up and taking her book with her.

Leaving the Great Hall, she passed by the three other Marauders and sat by Lupin. She continued walking until she reached the Library. She doesn’t have any work to do, giving her a free weekend.

She sat down at a table near the window and continued reading her book, taking a break from time to time and stare out of the window. A few first years were enjoying the sun and having fun, giving all of their energy from running around the yard. Continuing to stare outside, she felt a pair of eyes looking at the back of her head.

She turned around and saw a guy sitting a few tables away from her, trying to fix his posture like he wasn’t staring at her for a while. When she got back to her book, she saw in her peripheral vision the same guy moving on his seat like he was nervous. She saw him standing up and walking nearer.

“Hi, m-may I sit down?” She lowered her book and saw the guy, black hair that’s a bit messy, green eyes, and tanned skin. ‘And who might this be?’ “Sure.” She said sitting up straight and placing her bookmark on the page she was reading.

“I just want to ask if you received something earlier?” the guy asked and Y/n tilted her head slightly indicating she was a bit getting the gist.

“Yes, why?” ‘Don’t tell me he was the one that left those.’ “Well, I would like to ask if you liked the letter and chocolates. I was also going to put a bouquet but I don’t exactly know if you like roses or not.” He said like his nervousness was starting to decrease.

“Oh um-,” Y/n started blushing at the thought of this guy giving them gifts and writing the letter. “Thank you, and um I’m not a fan of bouquets. A single rose is fine.” She said paying attention to how the guy leaned forward on his seat and gave a laugh. “Well, I should give you one then.” Y/n didn’t understand and this caused the guy to smile at her, waiting for her reply.

“Oh, what was that?” “I would like to ask you out on a date this Valentine’s Day, around Hogsmeade or anywhere of course.” He said and Y/n thought carefully. “Okay, Mr.-?” “Mr. Hollis, Lerius Hollis.” He smiled at Y/n, she almost forgot what she was about to say when she saw him smiling.

“Mr. Hollis, I will go out with you. But if there are any tricks to this date, I will tear you into shreds.” She stated leaning in also. Her mind is all over the place, she can’t understand why she said yes, or why his cologne smells so good.

The guy stood up and gave a shy wave, “I must get going then, I’ll find you more presents!” He said but Y/n halted him and asked his house. “Slytherin.” He said smirking and waving goodbye again.

‘Oh boy.’

‘Slytherin house. Slytherin! And why did I say yes?!’ She scolded herself in her mind while walking back towards the common room. Two Second Years went out of the hole and she let herself in. Walking inside she heard the usual commotion of the three Marauders and students trying to converse.

She passed by behind the couch and someone called her, Lily. She turned around and went to the table near the couches where the Marauders started to eavesdrop on the two girls. Sitting down, she can feel the gazes of the three and just shook it off.

“What’s up?” She casually asked but Lily can feel a different aura from Y/n.

“Are you alright?” “W-what? Yes, of course. Why w-wouldn’t I b-be?” She said fidgeting the end of her top and her eyes darting from her hands to Lily’s green eyes.

“Well, for one you’re fidgeting, two, you’re lying, three, you were in a rush going upstairs, and four, you look like a tomato.” She whispered to Y/n and she shook her head. Lily gave her a ‘you’re not fooling me.’ Look and she sighed.

“Well for starters, I got a dahtesh-“ she accidentally lowered her voice and it caused Lily to get confused, “You got a what now?” “I GOT A DATE OKAY?!” Y/n exclaimed unintentionally and some of the students stared at her, but the stares that never took off her were from Lily and the Marauders.

“You actual-“ “Yes! I don’t know how, but yes I do have a date.” She exclaimed and just buried her head in her hands. “Well, who is he then?” She squealed at the new voice but then relaxed when she realizes it was just Black.

“Why do you care?” She asked raising an eyebrow at him. He flipped his hair and leaned in. “Because I want to hear some gossip from you.” He said acting like a girl, she looked at the other three and Remus is also listening.

Normally he wouldn’t care, but today was different.

“Well, his name is-“ “House?” James intervenes, Y/n looked confused but still answered James’ question. “Slytherin.” Once she said that questions started flying out of the lips of three Marauders and her best friend Lily.

“Don’t date him.” “Cancel it.” “Why’d you say yes?” “Are you serious?” “No, I’m Sirius.” “Not the point Black!” “How could you betray us?” “Where is he taking you?” “Does he have great hair like mine?” “Not the point Black/Padfoot!”

Once they were finished, Y/n was already crossing her arms and reclining in her chair looking at them confused.

“It’ll be just one date.” She said standing up and taking her book. “Besides, it’s Valentine’s Day. Might as well give it a go.” Walking towards the staircases, she can still feel their gazes and sighed.

Thursday, four days after the incident with the Marauders and Lily, she’s still busy with school works but Lerius continues to give her letters and sweets. Nearing Valentine’s Day, she was worried that he might not have anything more to give.

‘He’s a Slytherin for Merlin’s sake, he may be rich too.’ Y/n thought while staring at the board. They are having Transfiguration and Professor McGonagall is talking about Inanimatus Conjurus. She starts to doze off but the bell snapped her back awake.

“I would like to have essays about our lesson today on my desk before Tuesday next week, understood?” The professor asked before dismissing the students. There, she was met with a person handing out a single rose, Lerius.

“Hi! I just wanted to give you this before going to your next and last class for the day. I couldn’t wait until after class because I’m scared it’ll wilt.” He said looking at her and she blushed. They looked cute together, with being Lerius taller than her and all. A few students around hollered, and even some of Lerius’ friends.

“Okay, mo-move it!” They heard someone yelled behind Y/n, it was the Marauders. But only one of them yelled, Remus. Once Y/n moved an inch or two, Remus passed by and the three followed. “They were having a moment Moony!” Peter started following and whispering a sorry to Y/n.

“Yeah, well I don’t care.” Was heard and Y/n just rolled her eyes. She looked back at Lerius and he smiled at her and then waving goodbye. “See you after class, love.” He pecked her cheek and it caused Y/n to heat up more. He waved again and walked with his friends.

She stood there dreamily following him until a tug was felt at her right arm, pulling her away from the spot. “We need. To go. To. History. Of. Magic” Lily said in each tug. Y/n finally moved her feet and walked with the three.

“So, you finally got a date, this is amazing! Maybe we can do a double date!?” Marlene exclaimed and Lily disagreed. “It’s her first-ever date, let her have it. Maybe if things work out at this date, then you guys can do that.” She said taking a seat at the front.

“Yeah, and if things work out on your end too Lils, we can triple date!” Marlene said, excitement gushing out of her. “Quadruple if it is okay with Frank though,” Alice added and Marlene clapped like a little kid.

“Alright, if the date turns out okay,” Y/n said and Marlene side hugged her. She giggled and someone tapped her shoulder and looked behind her.

“So, you are going? Aren’t you hesitating even just a little bit?” Potter asked her and she shook her head, “I am not backing out just because four boys don’t want me to go.” “I don’t care,” Remus added and she looked at him, he was staring out the window.

“You know you should also get yourself a date so I can return your bloody book.” She said and Remus shrugged his shoulders. “Already have one.” He said and just in time, Professor Binns came out of nowhere, making the room quiet.

She turned towards the front and got ready for class. She heard faint whispers from behind, “You have a da-“ “Yes, Wormtail. Now shut up.” She giggled silently and focused on the lesson.

Saturday, she can’t sleep properly last night because of her excitement. She got up once she saw the clock ticked 6, getting a sweater and jeans from her trunk and pulling out her boots.

“Someone’s up early,” Alice asked the (y/h/c) haired girl. Y/n smiled and looked over the mirror to see if the clothes were a perfect match. When she got her match, she hopped in the shower and took her time.

Once she was almost inside for an hour, she got out and wrapped herself in her bathrobe. She sat down in front of her mirror and started applying make-up. She made sure it was very minimal because she doesn’t like make-up. She then proceeds to do her hair and got in her clothes.

It was already 8 am and the rest of the girls are awake. She couldn’t wait anymore so she got out of the room first. But when she got out, she almost slipped from a parcel.

She closed the door and stood outside, she removed the wrapping paper and there she saw a portrait of her, sitting under a tree outside. It was a beautiful painting, framed and all. There wasn’t any signature on the painting but there is a card attached behind the frame.

Y/n,

I’ve been keeping a picture the same as this portrait, so as a gift this Valentine’s I made someone paint the picture and they did a wonderful job. I would’ve painted it myself, but my roommates couldn’t shut up about it. I hope you like it because I love it.

And that was it, no name or anything. She smelled the wrapper and she smelled hazelnut and cocoa powder. ‘Chocolates.’ She thought and she smiled. She got back inside and placed the painting at her bedside and placed it on an angle.

“Who’s it from?” “I’m sure it’s from Lerius, he always gives me chocolates and that’s what I can smell in the wrapping paper.” She said leaving them again and she headed towards the Great Hall.

Finishing up breakfast, she headed towards the library again just to pass by time. “Y/n?” She lowered her book and there she saw Lerius. He was dashing as hell, he’s wearing a shirt and he has his coat on top, his hair looked like he tried combing it back but it became a bit messy, but she finds it attractive.

“Lerius! I thought we won’t be leaving until 11 am?” She asked and Lerius nodded, he drew his attention towards the seat in front of her and she nodded. Taking a seat, Lerius, placed a box down so he can remove his coat.

“I just wanted to stay here for a while, we still have half an hour before we leave.” He said and he knew she was eyeing the box, “Yes, that is for you, but I can’t give it to you now.” He said and he placed the box inside his coat.

She pouted and Lerius saw this. He chuckled and she pouted harder, “I can’t give it to you now, it’ll ruin the surprise.” He said caressing her cheek, she absentmindedly leaned on his touch. She gave him a small smile and he removed his hand.

Lerius stood up and sat beside Y/n, he gently held her head for her to lean on his shoulders and he placed his chin on top of her head.

They stayed like that until they heard the bell ring at 11 am. They stood up and left the library immediately, almost dropping books Madame Pince was carrying.

They got a carriage and sat together. Once they reached the place, Y/n’s mood immediately changed from the place’s comforting energy. She’s been to Hogsmeade before, a lot of times. But today she knew it was different. She absentmindedly pulled Lerius and walked around with him, going in from store to store.

“I think we should have lunch first, darling. We have the whole afternoon for us to stroll around.” Lerius said and Y/n pouted but gave up because she too is hungry. They went to Three Broomsticks and ate there, they are very lucky enough to have a table, especially with lunchtime nearing.

“There’s a sight back at Hogwarts that I like. Maybe before the sun sets, we can go there.” He said and Y/n just nodded. Continuing with their lunch, Lily and her date got inside the shack and saw Y/n with Lerius.

“Hey, Y/n!” Lily greeted the girl and she motioned them to come over. “Oh, this must be your date!” She stated and the three of them chuckled until Lerius coughed indicating that he is not fine with what is happening.

“Sorry to interrupt your date, we’ll be going to our table now,” Lily said giving Y/n a side hug and leaving them. Y/n and Lerius finished up and Y/n can feel something is wrong with her date.

“Lerius? Is there something wrong?” She asked sincerely and Lerius just shook his head. “Look, if something is bothering you, please tell me. I want this Valentine’s Day to work out.” She said and Lerius finally said something.

“I just didn’t like how your friend intervened with our lunch.” He said harshly and Y/n inhaled deeply and nodded, “I’m sure Lily didn’t mean to inter-“ “I don’t like it.” He said with his voice going deeper and Y/n felt a bit scared.

“I-I’ll talk to her later.” She said nodding ‘why am I letting this?’ She thought and Lerius stood up, handing out his hand for her to take and they left the shack. But Lerius’s grip was getting tighter and tighter the longer she held on. She tried to escape his grip but it wouldn’t budge.

They stopped in front of Honeydukes and Lerius leaned in to whisper at her. “You can buy anything you want in Honeydukes, as long as you promise to talk to the rest of your friends to not intervene with our date any longer.” And he turned her towards the figures of Alice and Marlene almost nearing up to her.

“Hi, Y/n!” Marlene greeted and Y/n waved at her, Lerius gripped her wrist and she almost winced at the pain, she just laughed it off and started to talk to the both of them.

“Umm, Marlene? You remembered what we all talked about not disturbing with my first ever real date?” She tried saying it as a way she was joking, but she was hoping one of them to save her.

“Oh yeah! Shoot almost forgot about that! See you around then, Y/n!” Marlene said and waved goodbye, Alice also gave a wave goodbye and they went the other way.

“Good girl, now,” Lerius whispered in her ear and he opened the door for her, “You can pick anything you want, darling.” He stated and Y/n tried to smile, but the smile she was wearing since she woke up, is almost gone now since she’s starting to get agitated.

A couple or so hours later after walking around Hogsmeade, they decided to go back because Y/n tried to make up excuses as her feet hurt or she’s starting to get tired. Which were lies, her boots are very comfortable and they are made for her. She got almost 9 hours of sleep because she promised to rest early.

But Lerius gave her what she wants, on their carriage ride back to the school, they ended up sharing with a couple from Gryffindor house. Because Y/n said she’s tired, she tried to act the part. Leaning on Lerius’ shoulder, fake yawning, hiding her hands inside her sleeves.

She knows if Lily was inside the carriage, she would raise suspicions on why she was faking it, and that’s what she needs right now, someone to take her away.

They reached the grounds and the couple got out first, and Lerius helped her out of the carriage. They noticed it was almost 4 o’clock and there are only a few students outside because the real festivities is inside the castle.

“I think we should also get inside als-“ “Oooor, we can go to my favourite spot and give you my gift?” Lerius interjected and gave Y/n a grin, the grin that has her saying yes to everything today, the grin that she never questioned, the grin that made her shut up.

“O-okay.” She whispered and Lerius pulled her away, bringing her towards a tree near the lake. He sat her down on a blanket. It was a beautiful sight and she smiled knowing this is too peaceful for anything to ruin it.

But she thought too soon.

“So, about this gift,” He started and Y/n moved to look at him, he took out the box and moved closer to Y/n. He opened it to reveal a ring, Y/n stood up and Lerius looked at her.

“Why what’s wrong?’ “I-I have to go.” She tried to speak up but her throat wouldn’t let her. “No, sit down here, darling.” “Please I-“ “SIT. DOWN.” It came out as a threat now. She was scared but she doesn’t want to stay anymore.

“Fine! I’ll stand up!” He exclaimed and acted like it was Y/n’s fault now. “Now, this ring, it was my mother’s. She gave it to me to give it to someone.” Y/n already know where this is going, “It’s a promise ring,” She started to feel upset and wanted to run, but she’s scared to pull a string on Lerius to make him angry.

“And I promise that I will love you, take care of you. As long as you stay with me.” He said removing the ring and grabbing Y/n’s hand. “N-no!” She exclaimed taking her hand back but Lerius’ grip is stronger. When he got the ring to her finger, he tried to kiss her. Holding both the sides of her face and leaning in. Y/n slapped Lerius and to her luck, it was strong enough for him to bring his hand up to his cheek to caress the impact. She tried to run but Lerius ran faster than her, he got a hold of her but before he could carry her back, a group of boys started to come after Lerius and a punch was thrown at his face.

She sat on the ground trying to get away from the scene, she heard Professor McGonagall screaming at the people and other boys from Gryffindor and Slytherin started to break them up.

“Black! Lupin! What in Merlin’s beard got you two just to punch Mr. Lerius here?!” She asked and Peter got out of the other’s hold to explain everything to the professor.

“He was forcing Y/n to do something she didn’t want!” He exclaimed and Lerius turned to the stout boy in fury, “I did no such thing! We were just flirting and you four imbeciles took the wrong message!” He exclaimed and his housemates held him back from attacking Peter.

“Just because you were beaten up, it means you are the real victim!” Sirius yelled back but Lerius laughed, “And why should anyone listen to you four, you weren’t even in the scene! You four came out of nowhere!” “Well, it’s better to ask the subject of this matter!” They all looked at Y/n and she is still shaken up by what happened.

Lily came to the scene and assisted her, Professor McGonagall dismissed the crowd and brought them all inside her office. She took out a kettle filled with tea and gave Y/n a cup to calm her nerves.

“What exactly happened, Y/n?” The professor asked and Y/n gripped the cup tighter, Lily brushed her hair trying to calm her down. “L-lerius t-“ “Tell them the truth, darl-“ “Oh shut up you fool, let her talk,” Potter said and Peter pulled him back.

“He t-tried to kiss m-me, f-forcing me to kiss h-him. Holding the s-sides of my face and he made m-me wear this stupid r-ring- AH! It hurts!” She exclaimed and immediately placed the cup down and pulled her finger out. It was tightening around her finger and she tried to pull it off.

“What did you do to her!?” Remus exclaimed and held Lerius by his collar, the three pulled him away because even if Lerius’ height is the same as his, he was incredibly strong to pull him up the ground.

“Mr. Hollis, remove the ring from Ms. Y/l/n’s finger at once!” Professor McGonagall exclaimed and Lerius moved far away. “Why would I do that? She’s my girlfriend after all.” “Well, she wouldn’t be hurt if she is, wouldn’t she?” Lily spoke up and she’s starting to get angry too, Lerius moved and held Y/n’s hand to remove the ring. Once he removed it, he kissed the back of her hand but she pulled it back, he gripped her wrist but Lily stopped him.

“Mr. Lerius, you will be meeting the Headmaster tomorrow morning with your Head of House and parents to talk about your expulsion from Hogwarts. We here do not support harassment of any sort.” She said writing on parchment for Lerius’ parents.

“This is not fair! I’m the one with the bloody nose!” “Yeah, well that’s not my department. Go to Madame Pomfrey so she can tend to it. And take a stroll, it may be, well, it will be your last stroll here in Hogwarts.” She said dismissing the Slytherin students while sipping her tea.

“And you four, I can say the bravery and courage from the actions you all did is quite impressive. But of course, you four will be having detention but it will only be a week.” She said writing it down and folding it up. “I think Y/n here also needs to be brought to the infirmary, she needs tending for her finger.” “No, I’m fine Professor, but thank you.” She said giving her best smile to reassure her and everyone.

“If that is what you say, then I don’t have anything against that. You lot can go to the Great Hall now to enjoy the rest of the day, Happy Valentine’s.” She said and dismissed the students.

Their walk consisted of Lily assisting Y/n and the Marauders staying close to make sure nothing will happen. They reached the decorated Great Hall and they took their seats, Lily and Y/n near the front, and the Marauders almost at the middle.

They gave her food but she didn’t take any, when they gave her, her favourite food, she turned it down and stood up. “Where are you going?” “Back to the common room, I guess.” She said and the three didn’t ask further, they already feel sorry for letting this happen, but Y/n is mostly mad at herself.

Walking out of the Great Hall, she can feel other people gazing at her because she was the only one doing the opposite. She walked and walked until she reached the astronomy tower, she sat near the railing and just stared up at the sky. She knew going to the common room would be a mistake because she will be welcomed by thousands of letters at the front of their door or on her bed.

She got cozy that she almost didn’t hear the footsteps approaching. Scared, she reached out for her wand and pointed it out, but she was surprised to see the last person she wanted to see today.

Remus Lupin.

Instead of giving him a remark, she just stood by the railing and exhaled. “I’m sorry.” Slipped out of her mouth and she started to feel weak and a tear slid down her cheek. Instead of kneeling because she can’t take it anymore, a pair of arms wrapped around her giving her a warm embrace. Instead of getting a flight response, she nuzzled more and Remus took this as a sign to hug her tighter.

“Don’t say sorry, you don’t have anything to say sorry for.” He said caressing her hair to soothe her, she shook her head and kept saying it was her fault.

“If I wasn’t a fool then this wouldn’t happen.” She started to sob, Remus kept soothing her to calm down and they stayed like that for almost five minutes. She smelled chocolates from his sweater, his signature smell, she then realized where the parcel was from, it was from him.

Once she stopped sobbing, she looked up and saw Remus resting his chin on the top of her head, his hair is a bit messy but it looked good on him. The scars on his face made him look older but in a good way. She can hear his heartbeat and it was a steady heartbeat, it made her feel relaxed and comfortable. She didn’t realize she was staring until his green orbs stared back at hers.

She bowed her head and she stepped back a bit and Remus lets go of the hug, even though Y/n wanted to stay like that forever, she needs to remember he’s still her rival. Or was he?

“I never liked Valentines.” She stated and Remus looked at her, “Because it was the day when the first guy I love the most, passed away. He had a huge impact on my life and seeing him just pass away, I couldn’t accept it.” She said looking at stars, Remus never said a word and just listened to her story.

“He always gave me a little gift before leaving, and he would take me to Diagon Alley to walk around. He’ll buy me ice cream and he’ll tell me about his day while we sit in front of the parlor shop.” She continued and she doesn’t care if she’s telling this to her rival, she just needs to tell someone right now.

“Well, you’re a lucky girl then? And I’m sorry for your loss. How old were you?” Remus asked and she gave a sad smile. “10, and he was 49, turning 50. But he wasn’t lucky.” She said and Remus looked at her, “Dad, wasn’t lucky.” She said tears brimming her eyes as she continued looking up, trying to fight her tears. Remus was in shock and he couldn’t form any words.

“When dad passed away, in the morning I woke up, thinking he already left and my gift was waiting at my bedside table. He did leave, me and my mom behind. Mom screamed from their room and I ran towards it, the elf was at the front of the door bowing down. When I saw dad’s hand hanging at the side of the bed with a little box in it, I dropped on my knees and let my tears flow down.” She said and sighed but continued the story anyway.

“Mom and I were left alone in the house, with the elf and her sister visiting weekly ever since I came here at Hogwarts. She continued her job but she still feels empty inside. And ever since that day, I never looked at Valentine's day the same way ever again. And I was thinking, 5 years ago today, that I might be happy because I know dad wants me to be happy. But it turns out, Valentine’s is just a normal day. And I tried to celebrate it with a lunatic.” She finished and Remus was still there, staring at her the whole time she was telling her story.

“I’m sorry If I gave you detention and maybe ruined your date today, Remus. But here is your book back.” She handed it out to him and he chuckled. “I didn’t have a date, and it’s fine if I have detention. I got used to it.” He said taking the book back.

“But, what was about th-“ “The other day? It was just to shut the three up about my dating life.” He said irritated and Y/n just laughed at it.

“But I do like someone, and she doesn’t know it because I’ve been acting like a rival to her since day one.” He said staring at her again but she can’t get the point. “Well, you should go get her then. There’s still a few hours before Valentine’s end.” She said smiling at him and he smiled at her also.

“Well, I’m already here with the girl that I like. Besides, she received the gift earlier this morning.” He said and she realized what he meant. “S-so, you l-like me?” “I fancy you, Y/n. Merlin’s beard no, I think I love you already.” He said still looking at her (Y/e/c) orbs, Y/n shifted her body and she’s now looking at the boy who’s been her rival since day one.

Since day one, they’ve been throwing at each other’s faces with who’s smarter. Since day one, they’ve been up in each other’s throats. Since day one, they’ve been making the other one feel dumb. Since day one, they’ve wanted each other’s attention.

In every class they have, they would continue with their rivalry but it was only because they loved the attention, they loved how they acted like they were the only ones in the room. They loved how they would stare at each other’s eyes just to prove a point.

Every mealtime, one will start giving a snarky remark just to continue the cycle. Just to have a laugh for everyone. Just to have the other one going up and interact with them, hands touching or their faces almost closing in.

She realized it now, why she continues to fight Remus off, why she continues to quarrel with him, why she continues to study harder. It was for his attention, all of his goddamn attention.

He also realized why Sirius gave her the book, why the boys kept listening to her stories, why they gave him the map earlier. It was for him to finally say something, say all of it to her.

“This sounds cliché, but yeah we fell for the ‘I hate you, you hate me’ relationship.” She said and this caused Remus to chuckle. “And did it turn to ‘I like you, you like me’ relationship?” He asked, hope in his eyes and she nodded, she can’t believe that this boy that she’s been fighting with is the boy she fell in love with.

He’s the reason she became a better version of herself, he became the reason for her constant studying, he became the reason to wake up even if it was Valentine’s day.

He never promised to love her fully, because he already did that. He never promised to stay even if she was a mess, he’s still there.

He never promised to take care of her, he did that almost an hour ago.

Without being in a relationship, he respected her in simple and unnoticeable ways. And damn, that made her happy. He fulfilled everything without even being his partner. And Remus is happy that he proved to her that he is different from any boy.

Y/n and Remus just stood there, staring at each other’s eyes, continued to smile from ear to ear. They walked closer until Y/n is looking up and Remus looking down.

She got on her tiptoes and Remus leaned in, closing the gap between them with a kiss. A kiss that made her wrap her arms around Remus’ neck because it made her legs feel like jelly and Remus held her waist.

Pulling apart, Remus smiled a dorky smile, the one she always saw when his friends would make a lame joke. But the cause of his smile is because the girl he’s been liking for a long time likes him back.

“So, Y/n Y/l/n. Would you loooove to be my girlfriend?” He asked rather excited because why wouldn’t he be. He just kissed the girl of his dreams and she kissed back. Holding both of her hands and kissed them both, she just giggled and nodded.

“Of course, you idiot, I wouldn’t be kissing you if I wouldn’t like it.” She said and he looked confused, “I’m not an idiot, I’m smarter than you and kissing? We’re not k-“ He got cut off by her lips attaching to his again. And this time, fireworks set off. They pulled apart and just stared at each other’s eyes, hugging her and she just smiled.

This is an unexpected turn of events from all of what happened the whole day, and she’s glad she ended it with the right person.

BONUS!!

“Padfoot? Are you sure the fireworks should be facing this way?” James asked and Sirius nodded, “Yes, so they could see it.” He said crouching to see the angle of the fireworks. A rat ran towards them and James accidentally jumped at Sirius and the fireworks moved.

The rat transformed into Peter and he squeaked a sorry. “They are almost kissing again!” He exclaimed and the two immediately fixed the fireworks.

“No, it's this way, Prongs!” “No, this way!” “Don’t you start to ignite a fight, Prongs!” “Well, because it's this way, Padfoot!” “Don’t IGNITE it, Prongs!” “Wait, ignite it? Okie Dokie!” “Wait Wormtail don’t!”

“What?” Peter said but it was too late, the fireworks set off with the two boys still in its range. The two stood up and they are covered with dust and smoke.

“We said don’t!” “Well, Padfoot said it!” “I did not!” “Yes, YOU did!” “Hey, would you three shut up! My girlfriend and I are enjoying a moment here!”

They heard it from the tower and they shut up immediately.

“Thank you!” as they heard before James wiped a fake tear, “They grow up so fast.”

“Well, if it wasn’t for me and the stupid book, he wouldn’t get her.” Sirius said and James waved his hand, “No if it wasn’t for me giving him the map, he wouldn’t know.” “IF IT WASN’T FOR ME AND MY LOVE FOR HER, YOU THREE WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO PLAY WITH FIREWORKS, NOW SHUT UP OR I’LL BEAT YOU THREE UP!” They heard again and they immediately went inside to leave them be.

#harry potter #marauders fanfiction #remus x reader #remus lupin #remus x you #remus x sirius #marauders map #remus lupin x reader #marauders era #young!remus lupin #Gryffindor #slytherin #Ravenclaw #hufflepuff

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monodreamin · 3 years

Text

Last Christmas I gave you my heart

Pairing: Hoseok x Reader, ex boyfriend Taehyung x Reader

Rated: M (18+)

Genre: smut, fluff, tiny bit of angst, one shot

Synopsis: Last Christmas was full of heartbreak when your Ex boyfriend Taehyung broke up with you on Christmas. You run into your ex boyfriend in a department store a year later and the stranger swoops in to save you.

Warnings: protected sex, sex with a stranger, a bit of jealous /possessive Hoseok, vaginal sex and not too many warning so it’s all I can think of for now.

Words: 2,351

I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping at a department store when I bumped into him. Him the man who broke my heart last Christmas he ripped my heart from out my chest and proceeded to stomp it out as it laid on the ground until it was mush and a bloody mess. That's exactly how it felt if I had to describe it.

Damn it why was he still so ethereal looking? but I knew better than that he was the devil. I watched from a safe distance he was so into whatever was in his hands. The Christmas lights from a nearby display cast light on his face.

The man and I dated for a year before we broke up. The saddest part was when I scrolled down my instagram feed and saw some photos of him with another woman on new year's eve. I was dating him for a year and he never once posted me. To be fair we both agreed not to post each other. We wanted our relationship to be private. But shortly after we broke up he posted his new girlfriend which had me thinking how long had he been with her? Did he cheat on me? It was only natural for me to think about these things with the timing.

It made me think that's probably why he didn't want us to post about our relationship to begin with. I agreed at the moment because I thought it was a great idea. I was always a private person and I didn't want anyone giving us their opinions on our relationship. it was easy for me to agree to these terms and maybe it was stupid of me too.

“Y/n???” Taehyung spotted me and walked my way. Shit I froze. My eyes stayed glued to his face as he made his way towards me.

“oh...hello Taehyung.” I croaked my eyes now looking down at the floor.

“It’s been so long. What has it been like a year?” he embraced me and I stiffened in his arms. Why was he treating me like I was his long lost friend? After we broke up we stopped communicating and I didn't know what I would do if I crossed paths with him again. This experience was awkward to say the least.

“Yea it has been exactly a year.” my eyes glanced over at a nearby rack. I wanted to look at anything but his face again. “Well it's good seeing you. I’m glad we ran into each other here.”

I pretended to be interested in an item in the nearby rack. “it was good seeing you too.” I lied through gritted teeth. I was trying to play nice and I didnt know how much longer I could keep this facade up.

“I just wanted to ask, did you change your phone number?”The nerve of him to ask me that.

“Yes I did once we broke up.”

“I’m sorry… that's what I wanted to tell you if I ever ran into you again. You did not deserve that. The way it happened it was just… “

“Yes I didn’t deserve to be broken up with on christmas day and i didnt deserve to scroll through my feed and see you with a new woman shortly after. Just say it Taehyung if you were really sorry you would be able to talk honestly about it and apologize sincerely but you're not. So let me guess things didn't work out with you two? ” I had reached my boiling point. I began to walk away before I let things get worse. Taehyung followed me.

“You know if you would just please give me a few minutes to explain myself. ”

“Taehyung I gave you a year that was more than enough. you hurt me and now when I see you it's like I’m reliving everything all over again and I rather not.”

“That’s why I want to make it right. I don’t want you to feel that way anymore.”

“ You shouldn’t care, I will be fine. it's none of your concern anymore so have a nice life” I said loudly.

“I didn’t cheat on you and it was wrong of me to post those photos so shortly after we split up.” Taehyung was now speaking loudly too.

A man who worked at the department store stepped between us. “The shoes you ordered I got them in the size you asked for” he looked at me speaking and I looked back at him confused for a brief second . I then figured out fairly quickly what the man was doing. “I have to go get my shoes. I played along as the man walked off and I followed him.

“I’m so sorry for getting loud in the store. Thank you for stepping in before it got worse.” The man turned to face me, his smile the brightest smile I ever witnessed. His smile was very infectious. My eyes scanning his features his perfectly shaped nose and beautiful

heart shaped lips. The man was gorgeous. Anybody with two eyes could see that.

“it's ok I felt I had to get your attention in some way before it got worse” he wanted to get my attention? My heart pounded loudly through my chest.

“Sorry again and I’m glad you did that, thank you.”

“My name is Hoseok. What is your name?” the clock by his head caught my attention. I was late for work and now in a rush. “My name is Y/N and I don't mean to be rude but I have to go right now or i'll be late. It was nice meeting you though.” I ran off in a hurry hoping I would one day see this man again.

---

I finished my shift at the bakery. The day was a busy one. I was fulfilling many Christmas orders with cakes, pastries and cookies. I just got home locking the door and stepping into the shower to relax and get clean from all the icing and scent of cake off my hair. I was in the shower for a few minutes before I heard a knock on my door. I wasn’t expecting anyone to be over especially at this time. I grabbed a robe and wrapped it tightly around my body. My hair was wet from washing it so I also had a towel over my head. “who is it?” I asked as I looked through the peephole.

“It's me Hoseok. The man from the department store you left your wallet.” he brought up the familiar wallet close to the peephole. It was indeed my wallet and I didn’t even notice I had lost it until now. I opened the door letting him in.

“I’m sorry I just got in from work and was in the shower. Have a seat. Do you want something to drink?” The man handed me the wallet and his face turned red, so red I noticed it even spreaded to his pointy ears.

“I’m fine I should go home now, it's late and... “ he was going to leave. I didn't want him to go. I wanted him inside of me since I first saw him at the department store. I coudn’t get him out of my head at work and now that the man was here I wasn't letting him go easily. His words were soon cut off as I dropped my robe to the floor exposing my naked body. I walked over to him seductively making sure my breasts had an extra bounce to them.

“I…” he was speechless again, his eyes filled with a hunger only my body could satiate. “Come follow me.'' I said as he held my hand and interlocked his fingers with mine. I led him to my bedroom and looked for the brand new box of condoms I had purchased some months ago. “someone is a little too overdressed for my liking.” I began to remove some of his clothing and he joined in helping me do so.

We were both naked and wasting no time he slipped the condom on. “lay on the bed.” he instructed me and I quickly followed his instructions . I couldn't wait for the feeling of his cock deep inside of me stretching me out, he locked eyes with me and pressed his body against mine, kissing my lips long and deeply, he used his tongue so skillfully his hands roaming my body. I moaned into his mouth at the anticipation that was to come.

Hosek then started to rub his body against mine slowly at a tortuous pace. “ Hoseok I want you inside of me already.” I closed my eyes letting out a deep breath. “are you sure, are you ready for me?” Hoseok’s hand rubbed between my legs. “yes I’m ready.I’m

So ready for you.” I whined and I was getting impatient. Hoseok moves his hand up and down my warm heat “let me see how ready you are for me.” he smiled as he watched the way my body reacted to his touch.

“Hoseok please...” I began to moan as he switched techniques with his hand moving his hand in circular motion. “Hoseok please what? Talk to me Y/N” he smirked. The man knew exactly what he was doing and wanted to hear the words coming out my mouth.

“I want you to fuck me with your cock.” I smiled back at him. “Wow I never thought such dirty words would come from such a pretty girl.” Once those words escaped his mouth his cock slowly filled me. “This is what you wanted?” My lips opened in a perfect O shape at the feeling of his cock entering me.

Hoseok smacked my thigh “tell me do you do this often. Do you let other men into your bedroom and let them have their way with you like I am doing now ?” I let out a moan near his ear. “No just you… only you this is my first time.” My nails dug deep into his back. “Good now let’s keep it that way.” his eyes filled with possessiveness as he stroked deeper in me.

“Only you” was all I could mutter before my eyes screwed shut and the pleasure he was giving my body took over all my senses. My legs began to shake and I lost all control. I just let my body give into him the feeling was indelible.

Hoseok was great in bed the way his hips moved. It was like nothing I have ever encountered before. The combination of his girthy cock and effortless hip movements brought me to a climax.

After the pleasure subsided I opened my eyes to see Hoseok pull out of me laying by my side. “That was… amazing but now it’s my turn to make you feel good.” I grabbed his still erected cock and sank down on him but in reverse cowgirl to give him a good look at my ass.

I looked back at him as I began to bounce on his cock making sure my ass slapped against his balls as I rode him. “Fuck Y/N you look so sexy like this” his hands cupped my ass as I picked up the pace.

“You like that?” You began touching your breasts. “Fuck I love it” Hoseok’s head tilted back and the noises leaving his lips were like the sweetest music to your ears. You held on to his ankles for more balance and to give him a better look at the curve of your ass. You were about to reach the second orgasm of the night.

Hoseok grabbed your waist and started matching up your pace fucking into you, he was bringing even more pleasure into your warm wet heat. The sound of skin slapping on skin was the only loud sound to be heard in the room and soon after you both came together.

After the mind blowing sex you knew you wanted to continue to see Hoseok. The connection might have first started off as just sex but it grew into more, he loved you and you loved him once you both fucked it out of your systems that’s when the feelings became more than just sexual.

—-

Hoseok took you around his neighborhood to see the houses decorated for Christmas with lots of lights and outdoor Christmas decorations. It was a tradition started from years ago. “Here drink this, it's getting cold” Hoseok handed you a hot chocolate with marshmallows.

Hoseok hugged you from behind as you both drinked your hot chocolate and watched the lights. What a difference a year made.

“Y/N what are you doing here?” You turned to the sound of the voice and knew exactly who it belonged to Taehyung.

“I’m with my boyfriend.” you pointed to Hoseok.

“Boyfriend? When did this happen?”

“Excuse me but she is my girlfriend and it shouldn’t be any of your concern.” Hoseok put a protective arm over my shoulder bringing me closer to him.

“I’m her…” I cut Taehyung off before he could say anything that would make the situation worse.

“You are what? My ex boyfriend? Because that is what you are now Taehyung. I’m here with my boyfriend trying to have a good time so you should leave us alone.” I grabbed my boyfriend’s hand and walked away. I knew he had a temper on him and would hate to see him lose it on Taehyung.

I don’t know what happened with Taehyung but I didn’t care to find out. I just knew I was in a better place now so all of his attempts to try to get me back wouldn’t ever work. I thought I needed closure and answers from Taehyung but in the end I didn’t. I just didn’t care any longer.

Last Christmas was terrible but this Christmas was special as my favorite Christmas song goes.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart

But the very next day you gave it away

This year, to save me from tears

I'll give it to someone special.

©Monodreamin no copying, translating or stealing any of my works.

Love this story? Want more click here

Also feedback will be nice it means more than you know, you can do it through anon asks. I’m nice I won’t bite unless you like 👀😂 jk please just send me something.

#hoseok x reader #hoseok smut #Taehyung x reader #kpop fanfic #kpop smut #kpop one shot

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developmentbuild · 2 years

Note

All of these w fusisorgela pls 🥺🥺🥺

oh god ok this is pretty long so sit tight

🍓 - what is their favourite kind of date?

Hmmm well I believe any time fusilli spends with these two is a time well spent. he's relatively easy to please. however I believe Sorbet always wants to make up for it since they don't really go on dates (that's mostly because of financial restriction and the occasional busyness that comes from work) so when they do get to go out on a date he makes sure to have dipped into those sweet sweet money he's been keeping. Gelato on the other hand looks like he's more sportaneous than Sorbet who will plan everything and know what to do, just a general plan in his head is enough and he sees from there. he is most likely to go to amusement parks or the like though, any time they can spend together doing fun stuff and spending time together

🍄 - what's one of their favourite things about each other?

fusilli > sorbet: his eyes... clearly.... they're so pretty ... hes too pretty

fusilli > gelato: his personality... ig when he's not being a cunt and getting called out by fusi NSKSKDKDK he likes how he can take initiative and feel comfortable taking the lead and he's just a lot of things fusilli would aspire to be I believe

sorbet > fusilli: he likes that he's confident tbh and playful, he's got the same charm to him as gelato about playfulness.

sorbet > gelato: unlike fusilli I think sorbet loves it when gelato's a fucking bitch. they're cut from the same cloth anyway so... either way ON A FAR MORE SERIOUS NOTE I could go on about these two all day but this isn't about them entirely (sorry), so I think sorbet is so grateful to have him in his life and he just loves him so much.. for what he is and for his unyielding love and patience for him throughout all these years.

gelato > sorbet: bro that's his MAN 😡 he fucking loves sorbet so much. he helps him be composed and keeps him down to earth, things where gelato lacks in sorbet fills in the gaps, and vice versa. they balance out each other by being the pieces to completing each other's puzzle

gelato > fusilli: he likes him because he's just so fiesty 🥺 fusilli is really deserving to be their protege he's exactly like them. i believe he likes how despite being sensitive he really takes no shit... its that clear resolve and strong personality for him :)

🍉 - do they live together, or plan on moving in together?

no they don't and i haven't really thought that part out but i think it's very likely down the road they will move in together at some point

🍊 - how long have they been together?

well they started dating jan '02... in the vento aureo timeline (or mine at least, sorbet and gelato were long dead in 2001 in canon VA) they've known each other for about a month (fusilli got into passione late feb-early march of 2001 and the va events start around 28/03?)

🍑 - who confessed their love first?

against all odds???? fusilli... they've been pining for one year just 3 dumb asses

🍁 - do they show affection to each other?

fusilli's love language is acts of service and he feels p strongly for them and especially down the road knowing how sorbet and gelato feel when diav's actively screwing them (and la squadra) over it just pisses him off i think... i think he just helps them a lot and not just domestic stuff but takes the first step for almost everything. sorbet and gelato think thats genuinely risky and sometimes fusilli goes against their teachings but like. King. cant tell him no

with that being said - the affection sorbet and gelato show to each other and him as well is different from any affection (familial/platonic what have you) they show, i believe they're both firm believers of physical affection (i mean just look at them...) but more so gelato, while sorbet's love language is words of affirmation. they've also got quality time as a shared one

🍋 - do they do a lot of PDA?

NO LOL!!!! ok a bit but i think fusilli has it that way so he can mess with la squadra being nosy. they know he's fruity for them (and they for him as well) but he wants them to be confused whether they're actually dating or not. but at some point they're caught in the act of Kissing :flushed: so yea

🌼 - how many people know about their relationship?

in canon, only risotto. he's told him mostly because it could possibly interfere with their work (doesn't help they're his mentors as well) also ig with ocs like... his besties??? yeah <3

🌻 - what kind of gifts do they get each other?

I KNOW YOU WANT THE LORE BUT YOU;RE NOT GETTING IT ITS CHRISTMAS EXCLUSIVE. ANYWAY fusilli gets them matching jewelry and for sorbet probably like something that ISNT A FUCKING BUTTON UP!!!! and for gelato he gets him a pretty knife <3 or five

they get him masc af clothes because he deserves it obviously. :)<3

🍀 - how do they cheer each other up?

already answered here

🍃 - how do they resolve disagreements?

they all go in the corner of shame and think abt it and as grown ass men, they apologize about any further disruptions and move on

🍏 - what made them realise they loved each other?

already answered here as well

#asks #answered #menace. you and tumblr /lh #ellis tag #uppertwist #fusisorgela #fusilli tag #selfship stuff

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a-mended-pact · 3 years

Text

Chapter : Seven

This chapter is Reader and Spencer finally discussing what's going on. It's a little angst but a semi happy ending.

Taglist is open. 🥰

Part 6

This one is definitely one of my favorite chapters I've written so far.

Word count: 3,121

I am currently experiencing heavy writers block so I would love to know your thoughts or theories!

If you have questions for the series please message or send an ask.

Requests are open

I ended up walking out of the room and I could feel myself shaking. I was infuriated. I had been so upset with everything that happened between Spencer and Cat that I couldn’t see straight. Maybe I was being overly emotional but to be fair I still haven’t slept yet. Spencer had followed me out but neither of us made it far before I saw Ethan sitting in the break room talking to Jj. I glanced at Spencer then back at him. ‘He deserves to be in a cell, not in our break room. You and I both know that.’ He sighed and nodded knowing damn well now was not the time to fully argue with me. My hands were sore. I needed a release from the stress of the past couple of days. I would much rather the endorphins get released by Spencer and I tangled within the sheets.

It had been sometime since Spencer and I had been intimate due to work and me just not being in the mood because of the recent changes in my medication. We hadn’t openly discussed what had been going on with us to anyone on the team. At least I didn't. I wanted to keep things to myself. I had always suffered with dark thoughts and bad coping mechanisms. It wasn’t until Spencer pointed it out when we started living together. That it wasn't pointed out to me. He had spoken to me about it as gently as possible because he understood it was a sensitive topic that could either make me sob or be deeply upset with him and push him away.

It luckily ended in me trusting his judgement and he set me up with a psychologist. Within a month of therapy they decided I needed meds for my issues. Mood stabilizers, Antidepressants and anxiety medication. It took a lot of trial and error for us to find the right ones that worked for me. I was lucky enough to have a person in my life to love me through the changes I had to experience during that time. I unfortunately suffered from a hazy mind. If I get too focused on something I tend to forget to take all of the above. Spencer always kept a track of when I took them. He’d message me when I needed to when we weren’t together no matter what.

Of course he couldn’t when he was kidnapped. So here I was having a hard time processing everything I needed to. ‘You need to go home and sleep, eat and take your medication my love.’ As he spoke he cupped my face and rubbed his thumb over my cheek. I couldn’t help but notice the way Ethan looked at me with envy from the other room when I wasn’t staring into Spencer’s golden irises. A part of me felt like Spencer was just trying to get rid of me but I also knew he needed to come home and rest too. I can’t imagine he actually got any while he was kidnapped even if he was presumably only with Ethan.

I grabbed his hand and held it to my face as I leaned into it. I didn’t care that I had to stretch out my freshly made wounds. If anything the pain was a nice distraction from the whirlwind my mind had become from the ticking of the hours that had gone by. ‘Please come home with me. Ethan will be taken care of and it’s not like the Kitten can get out of her cell. Please.’ His eyes softened as he heard me speak and he went to shake his head no until Emily spoke up from behind us.

‘Both of you are going home. Neither of you have a choice in the matter. Everyone here has gotten rest but you two. The rest of the team and I can handle this by ourselves for a little while. Go home you two.’ She spoke loud enough to cause a scene and I couldn’t help but wince as everyone stared. ‘She’s right you haven’t eaten a proper meal Y/L/N in days’ Rossi commented from the peanut gallery. I pulled Spencer’s hand away from my face and squeezed it tightly. I hated being called out by anyone that wasn’t him. He has learned how to do it without making me feel guilty over the past couple of years. Right now all I felt was guilt. Guilty over the fact that on top of worrying about Spencer they were worried about me as well. I was such a screw up I swear. ‘ I agree I think I saw you resting your eyes maybe 10 minutes before you headed to the vending machine for an energy drink because the coffee wasn’t working for you anymore.’ Luke commented as he brought me my cardigan that I had draped over my chair at my desk. I sighed as I looked at him.

‘Guys we are going. I promise.’ Spencer spoke as he began to pull my hand lightly to lead me away from everyone. ‘Don’t forget to put him in a holding cell.’ I said as I pointed at Ethan as his eyes never seemed to leave Spencer and I. I locked on to his gaze and followed his line of sight. Correction: it wasn’t on both of us. It was only on Spencer.

I squeezed his hand harder than I probably should have. I didn't care. Ethan was truly creeping me out at that moment. Why was he staring at my husband like a child that had their favorite comfort item taken from them as a punishment. Perhaps in a way that's what I was doing. I knew the moment he and I left they would treat him like an unsub as they should. He'd get no special treatment because Spencer wouldn't be around. I was giddy at the thought and let out a small laugh as I walked out of the building with him in tow.

-----------------

I felt a weight leave my chest when Y/n asked me to shower with her. I logically knew it was probably because she couldn't bring herself to actually wash her hair or even herself. I was just thrilled over the fact that once our front door was locked into place she didn't turn around and snap at me about what happened between Cat and I. I knew what I let happen bothered her greatly. We've spoken about it before many times. I knew this time though I had almost opened Pandora's box. Perhaps I had only placed the key into it instead.

Still pulling her into my arms as the hot water washed over us was enough to make me sob into her freshly washed hair. I never wanted her to doubt my love for her. Yet here I was showing attraction to two different people and that wasn't fair to her. Sure it hadn't been spoken about nor did she know about the relationship Ethan and I shared when we were much younger. She had a right to know. I knew that. I also knew now wasn't the time to mention it.

I felt her put her full weight into me as the water droplets rolled down her soft skin. She seemed so fragile. We seemed so fragile. Maybe I was overthinking. Maybe I was making up scenarios that would never come. Her hand inched up tracing the wound on my chest underneath it's bandage. I tried not to wince but no matter how gently she caressed it with her fingertips it still stung like it did when it was given to me mere days ago.

'I can't believe he did this to you.' Her voice was barely a whisper as if she too were afraid it would shatter the solace we found behind a mere shower curtain. I caught her hand in mine and placed it over my heart. I leaned in and kissed her as gently as I could muster. She returned it in kind but I could tell she had more to say. So of course I let her.

'He hurt you Spence and all you've done is protect him. I want to understand but I can't seem to wrap my head around why you'd protect a man that did such awful things to you.' As she spoke I remembered why I let him get away with it. It was simple. I couldn't remember who had actually hurt me. If it were him or Lindsey. I never coherently saw her. I only saw him and I felt like that was deliberately done.

'Sweetheart, do you trust me and my judgment on the matter?' As I spoke I pulled away from her to turn the water off and grab a towel wrapping her up in one first before I grabbed my own to dry myself off too. I watched in awe as she dried off and her breast jiggled as she did so. I had to turn my gaze away. Now was certainly not the time to be trying to bed my wife. I would be lying though if I said I didn't want to distract myself from everything that had happened these past few days.

Her and I both needed rest. She needed to eat first to take her medicine. That was top priority not my raging lust for her. 'I do. I just. I don't know there's things I don't know that I need to know before I make my final judgement on the situation. All I know is that my husband has been sexually touched, kidnapped and tortured in a matter of days and there was nothing I could do to change the outcome besides not walking out of the bureau when Cat touched you through your slacks!'

I could hear the frustration in her voice as she pulled on her panties and one of my t-shirts from college. I watched her as she quickly left the bathroom to head into the kitchen. I quickly slid on my gray sweats and rushed after her. I didn't like the idea of her being alone when she was angry and not in a great state of mind.

'I'm sorry.' I pulled her into me as she began to make herself toast. I placed a kiss on the junction between her neck and shoulder. 'I should have stopped the whole thing sooner. I just kept trying because I was certain if I did she'd slip up but she never did.'

By now I knew how Y/N's mind worked. 'Spencer you didn't stop her because you didn't want to. Whether you understand your attraction to her or not. You've always wanted to sleep with her. You yourself told me so when we were just friends. Don't start lying to me now about things' She pulled away from me and took the toast and her glass of water to the couch.

I realized then that she had actually made me some toast as well. I turned around to grab my own glass of water and her medicine. I sat beside her and sighed. 'Eat first then take your medicine. If you are feeling up to it I'll tell you before we go to bed tonight. Everything you need to know and probably things you'd rather not hear but as my wife and my best friend you have the right to know everything.'

She nodded as she bit into her food. Tears were silently streaming down her face already. I knew right now that it wasn't because of me. Not fully anyway she was just overwhelmed.

We ate in silence. I handed her; her pills and she took them without complaint. If anything she seemed rather numb to everything around her.

'Maybe telling you should wait.' I said as I pulled her to me. 'Thank you for not fighting with me about taking your medicine.' I kissed her cheek. 'I'm proud of you and how well you've held yourself together while I was gone.' She wasn't codependent on me per say but praise was always something I gave her. Especially after mom started to pick fights with me about her medication. Y/n was a walk in the park for me compared to her. She always felt bad that I needed to take care of her when she wasn't in her right state of mind.

To be honest though I love taking care of her. She was perfectly capable of doing anything and everything on her own but she trusted me enough to shut her brain off for a bit and let me take the reins for a few hours or even days. Right at this moment was one of those times. It's not like I didn't have days and times like her where I shut my mind off as well because I did and she would baby me and look after me like I am her at this very moment.

'I'd rather you tell me right now. I don't have the urge to fight or to do much of anything.' I nodded as I pulled her up with me and led her to the bed laying down with her and holding her from behind.

'First and foremost. I am in love with you with every fiber of my being. I don't ever want you to doubt that but I'll understand after I tell you everything if you do but I need you to always remember I will choose you without hesitation, without question.' She nodded after I was done. My fingers traced up and down her hand as I held her as close as possible.

'I'll always be your best friend first. Then your wife. That was something I told you on our wedding day and I plan to stick by that choice. I only ask that you stay remaining honest with me. I can't stand not knowing what's going on in your mind. As long as we stay honest with one another I know that we can make it through anything.' She pulled my hand up to her lips and kissed it and I couldn't help but sigh in relief. She was more than I deserved and I don't think anyone would ever understand how much I didn't deserve her.

'I'm not sure if it was Ethan that hurt me. I know he was the one to kidnap me but other than that I don't believe it was him. He would never hurt someon-' I stopped myself as I was searching for the right words. I could tell she was waiting with baited breath. 'Ethan would never hurt me like that would most likely be the proper word to say.'

She nodded 'You're holding back love. Just say what needs to be said. I can take it.'

I bit my lip and exhaled. 'Ethan wouldn't hurt me like that because he has been in love with me since college. We um.. he was- i-' I was struggling trying to form words. The past Ethan and I had together was a good one but he was also my first heartbreak.

'He was your first love huh? It's okay Spence we all have a past. Some of us just don't stay close to those from it.' As she spoke she rolled over to face me with a soft smile on her lips. 'Keep going. It's okay.' I know all of her wanted to cup my face but she restrained herself and just made due fiddling with my wedding band on my finger. Which is something she always did when we were having a deep conversation. I knew as long as she was playing with mine and not her own that we were okay.

`We were friends for a long time before him and I became intimate with one another. We always sorta stepped around the subject but one day after class he asked me out on a movie date. One thing led to another and I was in his room and we- we slept together.' She nodded again telling me to continue as her eyes stayed on her moving fingers.

I made a face. It's not the fact that I didn't want to tell her it was just the fact that I didn't know how.

'We dated all of college and then we separated when I joined the academy. I made it and he didn't. We grew apart. One thing led to another and I caught him in a very intimate position with someone. He claimed that the other person involved was the one that started it. He didn't have time to react before I walked out.'

I didn't dare look at her. I knew it was dumb of me to still be so hurt by what happened between him and I but I was. I trusted him deeply even to this day but I just couldn't let go of the way it looked like that wasn't their first kiss. No matter how many times he proved to me that it was.

Her hand moved to cup my face as she kissed away the small tears that I was shedding.

'I'm sorry he broke your heart Spencer. You didn't deserve that.'

'After I left we never fully spoke again. I never gave him the time of day. Not fully. We'd talk as friends and we'd talk for cases such as where Jj met Will but other than that I just shut anything to do with him out.'

I looked at her finally, my vision blurry with unshed tears and she looked at me and smiled softly at me. 'The truth is I was in love with him. After him I fell in love with Maeve. Then I met you and it's like everything started making sense again. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't drawn to you originally because in some aspects you reminded me of him. I think that was one of the reasons I first realized I was attracted to you.'

She pulled me in suddenly and kissed me sweetly on the lips. 'I love you Spencer. You and the things that make you, you now. We need to talk about Catherine but I'm getting very very sleepy and all I want from you right now is for you to let me drown in you and pretend for a small amount of time that these past few days haven't happened.'

I pulled her into me and held her as she buried her face into my hair. 'I love you Mrs Reid more than you will ever be able to comprehend.'

With that we both fell asleep for the first time in 4 days.

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xxisxxisxxis · 3 years

Text

Gateway Drug | Part Ninety-Four [PT.1]

Words: 3.1k

Warning(s): explicit language, mentions of substance abuse

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NIKKI

"My wife doesn't tell me she's having an important surgery done, no, no, she just tells her girl friend Sharise who tells Vinnie and I'm the last one to fucking know about it." I tell Amber.

"I didn't wanna stress him out." Vivian insists, raising her brows.

"No, you just don't wanna keep me in the know just to piss me off." I argue.

"Nikki, go to hell." She tells me.

"You're not talking to him like that in here," Amber scolds her. "Just like he's not talking to you like that. We aren't doing that anymore. That was the issue last week. I didn't stop you two from talking trashy to each other and it got you where you are right now." She states. "Vivian, why didn't you tell Nikki about your procedure?"

"I didn't even tell the father of my kid I was having it done--I'm just a private person." She tells her.

"Duff doesn't even know?"

"No, he doesn't, and he's not going to." She looks at me.

Note to self: call Duff when she leaves.

"Why haven't you him?" Amber asks her next.

"Because I was freaking out over it enough as it was. I didn't need more people freaking out over it." She says. "So I just told Sharise because she was the one driving me home from it."

Amber just raises her brows and thinks for a second, her lips pursed.

"You see what I have to deal with?" I ask as I motion to Viv.

"Nikki, please." Vivian rolls her eyes.

"And she wonders why I won't fuck her. She doesn't deserve it at the moment." I add.

"Your dick isn't made of gold, Nikki, it's some trophy I should have to earn--especially when you clearly have no qualms tossing it around like a hot potato from one pussy to the next."

"That's not how you were acting last week." I argue. "

"But you won't fuck me because I'm not Vanity." She says back.

"I won't fuck you because the thought of screwing a pregnant chick makes my skin crawl." I admit.

"You'll go down on me while I'm on the rag but me being eleven weeks pregnant--barely showing--is where you draw the line?"

"Right, sorry, 'I won't fuck you because the thought of screwing a pregnant chick makes my skin crawl when she's pregnant with a baby she cheated on me to conceive,' there, that's better." I correct myself.

"At least I know the lovechild I have, exists. Do I even wanna think about the girls you've probably knocked up across the globe the last several years?" She accuses me.

"Unlike you, dear, I know how to fucking use condoms." I cut back at her.

"Gee, can't imagine where I learned to hate condoms in the first place." She sarcastically adds.

"Fuck if I know, you were telling me to take the damn thing off the first time we even had sex, little miss, 'I'm a virgin', 'this is my first time,' which looking back now is so obviously bullshit." I scoff.

"I was until you fucking corrupted me."

"My apologies, I didn't realize I was creating a cum monster whose main ambition was to procreate."

"And I didn't realize I was creating a codependent junkie." She doesn't hesitate to throw back at me and we're both silent just enough for Amber to cut in.

"I am going to give you two homework." She says, sighing, glancing at the clock.

We're out of time.

"I want you two to write each other a letter, one that doesn't involve putting one another down, and I want you to pick a time--any experience or memory with on another--that you consider the happiest you've been with each other, and I want you to mail them to each other, and next visit you'll read each other's letters back to one another to remind that person what they wrote. Sound easy?"

We just look at each other, not saying a word.

I didn't want to waste my time writing something for her that she'd just rip up without reading, and I knew she would, and I could see she didn't want to do that, either.

I'm great at song writing...but love letters?

I think back to the last love letter I wrote for Viv...the one in the back of her Bible I gave to her.

It kind of hurts that one of the last physical confessions of love I gave to her was practically a suicide note.

I close my eyes and groan, rubbing my forehead.

Fuck.

I try to think back to my happiest time with her over the last years.

Like flicking through the index of my mind--as best as I can, at least…

I let out a heavy sigh as I flip from channel to channel, chewing my gum, getting frustrated when I can't find anything interesting to watch.

"Are you gonna find a channel and stick to it or are you gonna keep flipping through the same channels and expect programming to change in a matter of seconds?" Vivian asks in a borderline snap, getting aggravated with me.

I just roll my jaw and turn the T.V. off, tossing the remote onto the coffee table.

"I didn't say turn it off, Nikki, you can watch T.V., just pick a channel and stick to it." She sighs, her Bible still in hand, the pad she's using to take notes in, in her lap.

"No. You just read your shit in peace and quiet. Sorry for the interruption." I reply, passively.

"Nikki, turn the T.V. back on and watch it."

"I'm good." I state.

"Ugh, you are such a whiney baby." She mumbles and I raise my brows, looking at her.

"I'm a what?" I ask, and she looks at me.

"A whiney baby."

"A whiney baby?"

"Yeah." She says it surely.

I'm grabbing her socked foot that's in my lap, making her squeal, her Bible and notepad falling in the floor when she kicks at me as I start tickling her foot.

"Nikki, stop!" She laughs out, sitting up and trying to fight me off of her.

"No, I'm a whiney baby remember?" I remind her, letting her foot go, getting on top of her, my hands moving to her waist, making her laugh again, trying to push me off of her.

I lean down and kiss her exposed neck, and stop tickling her, instead wrapping my arm under her, pulling her against me, settling between her legs.

She sighs and kisses me when I lean down to her.

Once we pull away for air, I run my thumb over her lip and she blinks up at me, slowly.

I can tell she's thinking, "what the hell is this? What are we doing? We aren't dating, we're not just friends, though, so what are we, Sixx?"

I don't know, either.

I'd tell her that but I don't want to freak her out or something.

I like her, a lot...more than a lot…

"What is it?" She asks me, and I realize I've just been staring at her.

"I, uh...I'm not really seeing anyone else anymore, you know?" I say, hoping she gets the hint, and she raises her brows a little.

"Oh." She replies.

"Not that it's a big deal or anything." I add.

"I wasn't thinking it was." She shakes her head a little...but I can practically see her doing little mental cartwheels and screaming out with joy.

I just smile at her, kissing her again.

I wrinkle my nose at the memory, not quite sure if that's when I was at my happiest with her.

I just decide to keep digging through more of my memory--what's left of it, that is--until I'm grabbing my pen, and writing away at the paper.

"Shhh, shh, you're gonna wake her up!" Vivian whisper yells at me as she holds a sleeping Skylar, the little baby wrapped up in a thick blanket, pacifier in mouth, knocked out cold.

"It's nearly 5:00a.m., what the hell are you doing up?" I ask her, trying to talk straight after a night of booze and blow.

"She hasn't slept since midnight. I've been trying everything but she just dozes for a few minutes and then wakes back up and whines." She explains.

She looks tired...exhausted, really.

"You want me to hold her and you go to bed?"

"She doesn't like you, the second she gets the feelings you're holding her, she'll wake you screaming." She reminds me.

"She likes me." I argue.

"Nikki, she purposely pees on you anytime you change her diaper, she gets antsy when you hold her--not to mention the amount of times you weren't paying attention and put her clothes on backwards or inside out and she pitches a fit."

"Hey, trying to dress a squirmy kid is military-grade patience training. If you try to perfect whatever it is she's wearing, she gets irritated and just wants down and starts moving around more and making it more difficult to get some clothes on her." She just chuckles a little and gets quiet in the light of the little reading lamp, her eyes closing slowly.

"Viv,"

"Hmm?"

"Go put the baby in the little crib thing Sharise brought over and go lay down." I tell her, quietly.

"I'm fine where I'm at." She insists, but I know she's not.

I take the chance and gently pick Skylar up, causing Vivian to say, "Nikki, don't wake her up," and I carefully make sure not to wake her as I carry her to the guest bedroom and put her in her playpen on her back like Sharise drilled into mine and Viv's heads to be sure of.

She doesn't wake up, and when I get back to the living room, Vivian's asleep in her chair, cuddled under the blanket she had Skylar under.

"Alright," I nudge her awake and she hums, furrowing her brows. "C'mon," I say to her, and she reaches her hands out. "What is it?" I ask her.

"Can you carry me?" She asks and I sigh out.

"Yeah, baby," I don't tell her, 'no,' despite not knowing whether or not we'll get to the bedroom because I'm tired and I know she obviously is, too, and she's not light as a feather--which will just make me more tired by the time I head to the bedroom.

I scoop her up and make it to the bed, only nearly dropping her once due to losing my footing--which that's not her fault. That's just the evidence of my night out.

When I lay her on the bed and pull my clothes off, crawling in beside her, she's snuggling up to me under the covers.

"You smell good." She mumbles to me.

"I don't know how. I smell like cologne, sweat, and booze." I mumble back, my eyes closed.

"You smell good." She repeats it.

"You do, too." I reply.

"I showered. You should try it some time." She says.

"Okay, Sixx, don't make me whoop your ass at five in the morning." I tell her, keeping my eyes closed, and she giggles, pressing her lips to my cheek, and my jaw, her nails trailing down my chest to my abdomen, deliberately running over the trail of hair leading down to my…

"It's five in the morning." I groan out, biting back a moan when her hand wraps around me, another kiss being pressed to my cheek.

"We can be done in a couple minutes." She tells me.

"I thought you were tired." I reply, trying to wake myself back up being that a certain part of me is up and alert. I rake my hands down my face as she straddles me, before looking up at her. "You're like those spiders that wait for the males to be vulnerable then they fuck 'em and kill 'em." I add, despite my hands running up her thighs to her waist…

"You always complain about early morning sex but then by seven o'clock you're the one not letting me tap out." She reminds me.

I just grab her hips and push her off of me before getting on her, making her laugh before my mouth catches hers, my teeth bitting at her lip before my tongue smoothes over it, making her moan softly.

By the time we're finished and satisfied, I'm getting off of her with deep breaths, the both of us gasping for air, covered in sweat--even our hair.

We don't hear Skylar down the hall which is a good sign that she's still asleep.

It's weird having a baby in the house. I know it's temporary, until Vince and Sharise get back from their little Florida getaway, but it's odd taking care of someone else aside from Vivian.

I wonder what it would be like if Viv would've actually been pregnant when we got married like she thought she was.

We'd have a two year old by now.

How fucking bizarre would that be raising a kid in this life at the moment.

Sure, Vince is doing it, but that's because Sharise is solid as a fucking rock.

I'd take a bullet for Vivian--fucking die for her--but she's not solid like that, not right now, at least. She used to be.

I mean she's still sober as shit but sobriety doesn't help much when you're wired even though you don't have a drop of anything in your system.

Look at me, like I'm one to be talking about dependability.

I look over at her, she's passed out, damp red hair across her pillow, covers pulled over her shoulder…

I reach over and run my fingertips across her cheek, the palm of my hand moving up to smooth over her hair as rays of sun start to filter through the small parting in the blackout curtains.

I'd love to have a kid in a couple years--maybe even within the next year--it just depends on the band, whether we're where we need to be by then or not...whether me and Viv are where we need to be or not, too.

Which as of right now, we're great.

We're more than great.

We haven't argued in two weeks.

Two fucking weeks.

Who the hell goes that long without arguing? Certainly not us, but here we are.

We weren't fighting as much because we were having sex like bunnies. I'm talking at least twice a day--Twice. A. Day. For two and a half weeks.

Looking back, I know it's because she was in the wake of a miscarriage, I was in the wake of Vince and Razzle's tragedy, we were both craving a quick fix and I guess sex is how we were illusioned into believing we were healing.

In reality we obviously weren't solving anything, just brushing it under the rug, but it was honestly the happiest I had been with her for our marriage.

It was peaceful. We weren't at each other's throats. We weren't at war. We looked forward to seeing each other and spending time with each other, and it was the closest we got to being how we were when we were just dating...so that, for me at that time, was the happiest I remember us being.

The next day I'm taking my enveloped and stamped letter down to the mailbox in the hall near the recreation room, passing by Amber on my way, seeing her nod at me in acknowledgment before I'm halting myself and coming back to see her.

"Hey, Doc, I need a word." I tell her.

"Can it wait, Mr. Sixx, I'm running late for a meeting?"

"I wanna know why having sex with my wife is a bad thing?" I ask, and she stops and looks at me.

"It's not. Nobody said it was." She tells me.

"You told me it might jeopardize our progress if we move too fast."

"Because it very well could. You both have co-dependence intertwined in your sex lives." She explains.

"Well, I don't know if you've been paying attention to the last couple sessions but my wife has needs right now. And not having sex with her right now is jeopardizing our progress because she thinks something's wrong with her."

"But you've told me, and her, you don't desire her because she's currently carrying another man's child."

"I've been thinking about it and I told her I'd work this out with her and how I've acted towards her is kinda contradictory to that." I admit. "And I can't go home and screw her into next week because you've got me paranoid about messing things up, now."

"Have you told her my opinion on sex in your relationship as of now?"

"No."

"Well, then, tell her about it and I'll take the blame for it."

"I don't want you to take the blame for anything, I want you to 'ok' me banging my wife."

"If you want to, 'bang,' your wife, then you can do that. There's not a law in the universe barring you from getting intimate with her."

"Sure as shit feels like it." I argue.

"Tell you what, you talk to her about it--tell her my opinion--and we'll touch on it in the next session." She suggests.

"Pun intended?" I ask and she furrows her brows, looking unamused.

"...Okay, nevermind." I mumble.

"I'll see you Friday for your session with the boys, have a good day." She tells me, giving me a nod before walking away.

I just shake my head a little, irritated, and drop my letter in the mail box, heading to the payphone to try to call Vivian.

"Hello?" She answers on the second ring and I clear my throat.

"H-Hey, it's me," I say, and she's quiet for a moment.

"Hey," she finally answers and I let out a breath of relief.

"Do you wanna visit tomorrow? I need to talk to you about something." I tell her.

"Is this where you tell me you're filing for a divorce afterall?" She asks and I rub my lips together.

"No, Viv, it's not. It's about our sex thing." I struggle trying to define it.

"Can we even have a sex thing if we aren't even having sex?"

"Ha. Ha. Smartass." I state. "Seriously, you wanna come?"

"More than you know." She replies and I can't help but laugh.

"Pun not intended." She adds. "I'll be there around nine o'clock, if that's okay? I have another appointment to check on the baby since the surgery and then I'm gonna try to go shopping for some decently healthy things because I'm gaining too much weight at the moment."

"You're pregnant--that's your excuse to eat whatever the fuck you want, when you want it, isn't? Like a chick liberation thing or something."

"I'm eating too much junk, I don't want to pop out a fifteen pound baby. My pussy will rip to my ass." She says and I get a horrifying image. "I'll see you tomorrow morning, Nikki, I gotta go."

"Alright, see you then. Bye, baby."

"Bye." She replies softly before hanging up.

I pick at the inside of my lip with my teeth, another thought coming to mind...and my eyes shift to my pinky ring on my right hand...the same one I'd proposed to Vivian with back in '83.

#gateway drug #nikki sixx #nikki sixx x oc #nikki sixx fanfiction

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boyy-wonder-grayson · 4 years

Text

Forever Yours

Summary: Dick and reader had a bad break up but things work out at the end.

Request: yes, thanks to @wintercapilson !!

Pairings: Dick Grayson x Reader

Warnings: lil angst but nothing bad, swearing and fluff.

Word count: 1807

A/n:hopefully this is as good as i think it is lmao. I really really liked the way this turned out! so feedback and rb’s are always welcomed :)

Based on prompts from this list!

*pics mine*

51. “He’s no good for you”

57. "Days without you are my reminder that there's something wrong"

58." I'm forever yours whether you have me or not"

-----

Dick watched as you laughed at something Brad said. He scoffed thinking what could have been so funny that had you laughing that hard. He drowned the rest of his whiskey before asking the bartender for a refill; he knew he was staring too much, but it was impossible for him to look away when you were having a good time in someone else's arms. He knew he shouldn't be upset about it, after all it was his fault that you two were no longer together, and boy he regretted that every single day.

"You're staring" Donna said sitting in the stool next to his best friend. She asked for another beer while awaiting Dick's answer. She thanked the bartender and took a sip of the beer while rolling her eyes. "You know, it's getting kind of creepy."

"Shut up" Dick said not tearing his gaze from the happy -disgusting- couple.

"You do know she still loves you right? But at least she had the guts so move on, unlike someone else" Donna mumbled the last part but loud enough for him to hear.

"Look, Donna. I love you, you're my best friend,but shut up.i know I fucked up okay? I know" Dick said drinking the whiskey, liking the burning sensation the liquid left on his throat. "And I know i don't deserve her, or her forgiveness. But seriously, that guy?" He asked looking back at how Brad.

"You really are stupid aren't you?" Donna asked in a serious tone.

Dick looked back at her not understanding what she's trying to convey.

"Jesus Christ, I mean what can I expect you're a man after all" she mocked him "do you really think that Y/n Is not waiting for you to make another move? Yes, she's with Brad now but it's because you're not with her! She loves you and even though you screw your chances with her, she's still waiting for you to come back. How blind you have to be not to see that?" Donna got up and went back to the group of friends that, unlike Dick, was actually having a good time.

Dick was astonished to hear her friend say that. He actually thought that after what he did, Y/n would hate him. But hearing Donna say that gave him hope. He couldn't stand seeing the girl he loved being touched and loved by someone else. He needed to do something. All the alcohol he consumed was not helping him think straight so instead of waiting to sober up a little he went looking for his girl.

Y/n was glued to Brad's side when Dick approached the group stumbling his way to the group, bumping into anyone that stood on his way to get you. When he finally reached the table he smile at Y/n which looked at him with confusion in her eyes.

"Heyy Y/n can I talk to you?" He slurred his words a little bit "in private" he added the last part quickly.

"Umm, sure" the girl said getting out of Brad's grip and followed the dark haired boy outside.

She rubbed her arms trying to preserve the heat from leaving her body, but San Francisco nights were cold as ice. They stood outside for a few minutes in silence before Dick spat the words to her.

"He's no good for you,you know?"

"What?" Y/n asked unsure of what he had said.

"Bryan, he's not good for you. You deserve better" he said not looking at her.

"It's Brad, and what do you know what's good for me?" Y/n scoffed. She was tired of Dick's entitlement.

"Because I know you Y/n! And I know you'd never go for someone like Brad" Dick answered quickly. "I know you're only doing this to make me jealous!"

Y/n laughed bitterly, trying to control herself, she really wanted to punch Dick, "Wow, so everything is always about you Grayson huh?"

"That's not what I meant" the boy tried to get closer to her buck she took a step back instead getting away from him.

"No, that's exactly what you mean. Drunk minds speak sober thoughts and all that bullshit right?" Y/n turned around to go back inside the bar, she stopped in her tracks without looking at Dick "Go home Dick, get some sleep and then maybe we can talk."

Dick cursed under his breath, tugging at his hair. He knew he screw up yet another opportunity to talk with you about what happened; the alcohol running through his veins evaporated when he saw the look on your face after he said those words to you. He sobered up immediately and even though you didn't shut him down completely,he still feel so stupid for trying to get you back while intoxicated. He was going to have to wait till tomorrow when, hopefully, his head would be in the right place.

---

Dick woke up when he hear Donna's - loud - voice; he groaned in response and hissed when the light hit his half open eyes.

"Rise and shine sweetheart" Donna said in a sing-song voice. "Ready to fuck things up again with Y/n? Or did you manage to grow some balls overnight that would help you talk to her,you know, like a normal person?" She said smirking at the hungover boy.

"Fuck off" he said grabbing a pillow and hiding his face on it, only for the object to be taken away by none other than his best friend.

"Oh I will fuck off, when you go and apologize to her. Seriously what were you thinking Dick? As if things weren't bad enough you managed to make them even worst" she said sitting next to him.

"I know okay, I will talk to her. Just...give me some time" he replied rubbing his throbbing temple.

"Not gonna happen. You're going to take a shower, have some coffee and you gonna get your ass in line and go talk to her, you hear me? I'm sick and tired of seeing you mope around because you're 'oh so sad because you can't be with her'.

You need to go and fix this, now."

Donna was right and Dick knew this, but he was afraid that you may not be willing to give a relationship another shot, and that terrified him.

He followed his friends advice and within an hour he was ready,and determined to get you back.

---

Ever since her and Dick broke up, Y/n decided that it was best to get her own place. Living in the tower was easy and y/n really enjoyed it,but waking up every day to see your ex boyfriend was not something she looked forward too.

So she decided to look for a place not too far from the tower in case of an emergency.

She cleaning some dishes that were in the sink from the night before when she heard a knock on the door. She wiped her hands with a towel and went to open the door. When she saw it was Dick she moved aside so he could get inside and sighed preparing herself for yet another argument.

"I'm sorry" he said first not wanting to beat around the bush any longer. "I was drunk last night and I know that's not an excuse for what I said but I'm really sorry Y/n"

The girl looked at his appearance and noticed the bags under his eyes and how dull his eyes were;it was weird seeing him so defeated, she hated to see him like this.

"I know Dick, but we've been having this type of conversation for weeks now. And I- I'm just tired of it ending in a fight where one of us always gets hurt" she said looking down, finding the rug under her feet quite interesting.

Dick took a step forward and when she didn't backed away, he smiled a little.

"Look at me" he said softly, lifting her face with a finger under her chin, looking over at her glossy eyes. "You deserved better than this, than me" he said.

"Don't you think I have some say in that?" She asked him grabbing his hand and caressing it with her thumb. "I know you want the best for me now and back then too,but you were, you are what's best for me Dick. I know it"

Dick realized he was crying when he wiped the tears with her fingers. He wasn't really the type to cry, but he felt so vulnerable under her gaze.

"I miss you, so much. And all those days without you were my reminder that there was something wrong" he said pulling her closer to his body so she could rest her head in his chest.

They stood there embracing each other, reminiscing about when they were in the exact same position but in a different situation, a much happier one.

"I love you Y/n. I have loved you ever since you set a foot in the tower. From the first time I have loved you and it scares the shit out of me how much you mean to me. I know I was unfair to leave you without explaining the reason, but I just couldn't keep lying to myself, so I needed to let you go, because alone was safer than with you. I needed to keep you away from me so I could keep you safe, and i know it's a bullshit reasoning but I have never loved anyone as much I love you. But I promise I'll be better if you take me again. I'm forever yours, whether you have me or not"

Y/n didn't answer instead she just hugged him. She was crying too. When she pulled away to dry her puffy eyes she smiled at the brown haired boy in front of her.

"I love you too Dick, so much" she bit her lip "i- i also told Brad that we would have never worked out" she said laughing a little "it was unfair for him to keep leading him on when I knew it was not going to work, so I won't be seeing him again."

"I'm sorry It didn't work" he said with honesty.

"No, you're not" she laughed a little louder this time making him laugh too.

"You're right" he looked down biting his lip not wanting to ruin the moment.

"So...do you think we could try again?"

Y/n smiled sweetly at the boy and brought a hand up to caress his face, dick leaned into her touch.

"I think we can,yes. But I'm gonna need some time,okay?"

"As much as you need" he said quickly. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Good, cause neither am I"

#dick grayson x reader #dick grayson imagines #dick grayson imagine #dick grayson #nightwing x reader #nightwing #titans imagines #netflixs titans #titans #fanfic #dcu #dc

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geniusgub · 3 years

Text

north//chapter ten

genre: angst

pairing: season ten spencer reid x female oc

warnings: panic attack, talk of maeve and that whole situation, death, mention of drugs and relapse

word count: 9.8k

summary: spencer gets to see another part of amelia’s ugly side and amelia gets more than she bargained for when she steps onto her balcony

also i just wanted to say that the panic attack described in this chapter is based off of my experience with panic attacks. nobody has the same experience, but this is based off mine. also part two, i don’t know how medication for panic attacks really work, what i wrote is literally based off my experience with migraine medication. so if it’s not accurate, then i apologize. i also apologize for taking so long to write this. school was a lot and my mental health sucks. but it’s here now!! enjoy

AMELIA

"Yaz, if you don't stop moving, I'm going to purposely poke your fucking eye out!"

"It's not my fault! Quinn keeps nudging me!"

"No, I'm not!"

I roll my eyes at the two girls in front of me, flicking my wrist to put the final touches on Yaz’s makeup. "You two need to shut up." I then grab Quinn’s shoulders and force her to move against the wall, right next to Yaz. They continue to quietly bicker with each other.

"So," Frankie speaks up from across my studio, lounged back in a bean bag chair, fiddling away with a camera of his own, "Lia, you're coming up on one year with your genius doctor FBI boyfriend, right?"

"Mhm," I hum, too focused on painting my friends' bodies to give a full and coherent answer.

"Do you guys have plans yet? Dinner? Movie? I don't even know what you guys do as dates. In fact, I don't really know much about this guy at all. Are we even sure he exists?" Michael teases, waving around his bottle of beer. Quinn squirms away from my grasp to take a sip of his beer and only comes back when I tug on her hand.

"No plans yet," I mumble, biting my tongue for a moment as I focus on getting the swirls of blue and yellow just right. If the painting isn’t absolutely perfect then I’ll never be happy with the way the pictures come out. And if I’m not happy with the pictures that come from today then that just means I wasted my time today. "We don't make plans in advance, really. His job doesn't allow for that."

"His job doesn't allow for that?" Dani scoffs. "Stupid excuse. Horrible excuse. Men are trash. How can you be sure that all the time he’s spending ‘at work’ and not with another girl? Or maybe another guy? I don’t know, I don’t judge. Maybe he’s-"

"Dani," I hiss, twisting my head to send her a pointed look, "he's an FBI agent. He hunts down serial killers for a living. He travels for work on a whim and it’s not a big deal. He’s not gay and it’s rude to speculate about someone’s sexuality, especially if you’ve never met them."

"But don't you want him around him more?" Frankie jumps up from his seat and throws his arm around my shoulder, effectively pulling away from my work. He thinks that grabbing me will diffuse the situation, bring some humor, keep me from getting too upset. But it actually does all the opposite and I can feel a ball of heat growing and swelling in my stomach.

I’ve been friends with this bunch since college. We all went to Carnegie Mellon together and even lived in a house together in junior and senior year, but they aren’t always the best of friends. Clearly. They can be quite judgemental and exclusive when it comes to people outside of our friend group. Jenna and I commonly find ourselves sharing looks across rooms when one of our friends says something rude or stupid. They’re not the best, but we’ve been through so much together and they are all I have.

I push Frankie away from me as best as I can. "Do you guys just not like him because he's a federal agent?" The room goes silent and that's enough of an answer for me. I scoff, moving across the room to grab some more paint and squirt it into my palette. I wind up putting too much on my palette and groan, screwing off the top of the paint tube and trying to scoop the extra paint back in. The longer I try, the less gets back inside the tube and the more my frustration starts to grow, the more tears well up in my eyes. "You're complaining about my boyfriend who you've never met just because he works for the FBI. Ridiculous. Unfair."

"We get arrested all the time and all we do is spray paint empty brick walls," Dani protests, and, again, judging by the silence of the others in the room, I know that they have no problems with what Dani is saying. "It's bullshit! We should be able to express ourselves creatively without having to do art in the middle of the night and worry about being thrown in a holding cell."

"First of all; express yourself creatively on a canvas, not on someone’s property. Second; I can promise that you’re not getting arrested by federal agents. You’re getting arrested by cops and my boyfriend is not a cop," I growl at my supposed friends. I don't get angry easily. In fact, I'm a very patient person and I've been told that by many people on many occasions. My first instinct is to never get mad. Anger doesn’t get anyone anywhere. I prefer to have conversations instead of screaming matches and to hear out the other side's argument. But this is different. This is Spencer we’re talking about. I love Spencer more than anything and since meeting him, I know I'd do anything to protect him, even if that means arguing with my friends on his behalf. It’s not fair for them to be making these judgments about him. "You get arrested by Virginia Police so if you wanna hate anyone then hate them. Don't you dare all go hating my boyfriend for no reason. Don't hate him when you've never met him."

I throw my palette onto a table, not caring about paint splatter, and grab my phone, leaving my studio and heading into the fresh air. My heart is pounding against my tightening chest as I lean against the brick wall and slide down to an incredibly uncomfortable crouching position, tucking my head between my knees. The stance almost instantly makes my back ache and my neck sting but I ignore it. Maybe I deserve the pain. My breathing quickly gets more and more shallow and my head goes light. I try to lift my head to bring sunlight into my eyes, but my head seems far too heavy to move. I reach for my phone and it slips right out of my fingers when they tremble too much for me to get a grip on the thin metal. This feeling is helpless, painful, too familiar. I can’t seem to get a grasp on myself and I’m spiraling out of control more and more by the second. Every gasp for breath turns into a sob and every attempt to move my head turns into overwhelming shame when I notice people passing by are staring at me and whispering.

It's almost perfect that my phone starts to buzz on the ground and I manage to open my eyes enough to see that Spencer is calling me. I attempt another deep breath to calm myself down but it doesn't work and it only makes my grip on reality dwindle. It's getting harder to breathe and my eyes are stinging with tears. With every pounding beat of my heart, my chest gets tighter and tighter and tighter until it feels like someone has successfully squeezed my lungs flat.

The buzzing of my phone should bring me back to reality but it just makes it worse. It’s an annoying, persistent sound that just won’t stop. It won’t stop. It just won’t stop. I want to answer, I need to answer, but I just wish the sound would stop. The way to get it to stop is to answer. Just answer. It’ll stop if you answer. You’ll feel better if you answer. I slam my hand down on the ground and grope the floor until I manage to grab my phone and bring it up to my ear.

"Hi, love," Spencer's chipper voice comes through the receiver, none the wiser to my current situation. He's been away on a case since early yesterday morning, having woken me up while getting dressed, kissing me goodbye, and leaving my apartment to get to the BAU. I would kill to have him here right now. Maybe he could talk me down and reteach me how to breathe. Maybe he could reinflate my lungs and kiss my hands until they stop trembling.

I try to answer, but nothing coherent comes out. I let out a strangled sob, my fingernails digging into my knee so hard that I worry I might draw blood. My inability to communicate is frustrating and that ball of heat in my stomach rises up to my chest. The trembling overpowers me and I almost drop my phone again.

"Amelia? What's wrong? Are you okay? Talk to me," Spencer says quickly, and it's only followed by more choked wheezes from me. "You've gotta breathe, okay? Take really deep breaths for me. In through your nose and out from your mouth.”

His instructions seem simple enough to do. Just breathe. That’s all I have to do. It’s simple. Just breathe. I open my mouth to try to speak to him, to tell him what’s happening, even though I’m pretty sure he can tell, but all that comes out is fragments of words and whimpers.

"It’s okay, you’re okay. You don’t need to speak. In through your nose, out from your mouth, remember? Can you try that for me?" I’m not sure how long I’m sitting there for, on the phone, trying to focus on my boyfriends’ voice as he tries to calm me down. It feels like I’m sitting for a few hours, but my tiny grasp on reality lets me know that it’s been ten minutes at the most. I just do what I can to focus on Spencer and what he is telling me to do and how I can calm down. I clench my fists and finally succeed in doing what he tells me to after a while, breathing heavily in through my nose, my chest burning as the heaving comes to a gradual stop. I breathe out and then repeat the process a few times. “There you go. You’re doing so well. I’m right here for you, okay? Take all the time you need.”

He continues to tell me sweet nothings and encourages me to breathe until my breathing has regulated and my head lays slack against my knees. Spencer lets just a few moments of silence go by to let me collect myself before he speaks again. “Are you feeling a little better now?” I gather enough energy, the last of it, to hum a confirmation. "Where are you right now?" Spencer asks next. Even just his voice calms me down. Maybe it's his experience with his job but he sounds so calm right now. Nobody in my life has ever been able to remain so calm during one of my panic attacks, leaving me to cry and heave and occasionally faint in private. But Spencer's voice sounds so soothing and calm and low that just him speaking helps me more than anything. More than any useless, overwhelming, smothering hug ever has.

"Studio.”

"Okay. You should get home and get some rest. "

"Mhm.”

"You shouldn't drive. I don't know if you did, but either way, please don't drive. Take the train or call someone to drive you home," Spencer pleads. "I was calling to tell you that we're on our way home. We closed the case and we're leaving in a few minutes for the airport, but don't wait for me. You need to go home and get rest. Panic attacks are really taxing and you need to re-energize. I'll come over when I get back but you need to get home."

"Amelia?" I hear Jenna's voice approaching me but I don't even bother to look up. "Are you okay?"

I've exhausted my energy on speaking just those few words to Spencer so when Jenna gets close enough to me, I just lift the phone up for her. She crouches down beside me and grabs my phone, wedging it between her shoulder and her ear as she pushes my hair out of my face. I try to lean away from her touch but I can’t get very far. "Who is this? Oh, hi, Spencer. This is Jenna. She's right next to me. I can definitely bring her home. Don't worry, I'll get her home and I'll stay with her until you come around, it's no problem. I'll take her phone and let you know when I get her home. Okay, bye."

I finally lift my head and look at Jenna, watching her tuck my phone into her pocket, giving me this stupid, pitiful smile that I’ve seen far too many times in my life. A half smile that says, it sucks that you’re going through something but I only kind of care. "Mr. Genius says I gotta bring you home and keep you safe until he comes over and I don't feel like ending up in prison, so let's go, babe." I don’t have it in me to correct her to day Doctor Genius instead of Mister Genius. Jenna holds her hands out to help me up.

I bring my shaking hands up to hers and let her pull me to my feet and lead me over to her car, feeling weak and useless as she pulls the seatbelt over my chest. I pout as she dotes over me, humming casually to herself just so she can make this situation not so tense, but it just makes it seem like she doesn’t care. "Okay," Jenna says, hand poised on the passenger side door, "I'm gonna go kick everyone out of your studio and then we'll get going. Sit tight."

///

"Hi, Spencer, I'm Jenna,"

"Hi, Jenna. Is she okay?"

"Yeah, she's sleeping on the couch. She didn't even wanna go upstairs to bed so she asked me to put on a record and she just passed out on the couch."

Everything sounds foggy as I wake up what I assume is hours later in an uncomfortable position, curled up on my couch. My head is pounding and my eyes feel puffy and I'm now regretting not forcing myself to get into bed. I would have much rathered waking up with my duvet wrapped around me and my head on Spencer’s pillow. Waking up on this stiff couch with my toes virtually frozen and my head twisted uncomfortably on the armrest isn’t how I wanted to wake up post-panic attack.

I open my eyes just in time to see Spencer setting his go-bag down beside the coffee table, sending me that same stupid, pitiful smile. "Hi," he whispers, coming to sit on the floor in front of me. He raises his hand to drag his fingertips along my cheekbone and the soft touch makes my eyes flutter closed. I’ve gotten used to being without him when he’s away on cases, and having Spencer with me makes all the separated days easier. I know that the moments like this make up for the times I lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling, because I can’t sleep if his arms around me and if I can’t hear his heartbeat. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Mm," I hum, but it's not much of an answer, not a satisfying one, at the least.

"It's good that you got some sleep but you gotta have something to eat too. Do you want me to order something?" I nod slowly at his suggestion that I couldn’t care less about. I just want his hands on me. "Okay, I will. Sit tight, I'll be right back."

A whine falls from my lips as I reach my hand out for his, hoping to keep him from leaving. I just need his touch and his love and his affection to feel better. I don’t need sleep or food or anything he could possibly suggest that helps a person relax after a panic attack, based on this study I read. I love his facts but I just want him to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, even if it doesn’t feel like it will. The boiling hot baths I usually take after a panic attack never do the trick. Nothing does the trick like physical affection does.

"Don't go," the words could barely be considered words, especially not after I mumble them through almost closed lips.

"I’m not leaving," Spencer crouches down again and presses a kiss to my forehead, and I’m sure he realizes that a kiss was the wrong move because I just keep trying to pull him closer. “I just wanna order you something to eat, okay? Let me bring you upstairs and get you in bed and then I’ll call for something. Is that okay?”

Spencer is sitting up on his knees before I even try to answer because even though he's posed a question, he doesn't need an answer. He knows how to help me from the studies he reads and he knows what needs to be done and he's relatively stubborn. So despite how my body feels heavy and how I wish I could just melt into the couch cushions with my arms wrapped around my boyfriend, I force myself to sit up. Spencer scoops me up and carries me up the stairs, setting me down in bed and tugging the duvet all the way up to my chin.

Spencer goes a bit overboard with tucking me in, but I don’t mind, as long as his hands are on me. And he is happy with his work, he finally takes off his peacoat and sets it on the edge of the bed. "I'm just gonna go run downstairs and order something and make some tea, okay? Did you take your medication?" He turns away from me and goes towards the stairs, digging his phone out of his pocket.

"Huh?"

Spencer halts himself from walking down the stairs, turning his chin over his shoulder. "Your medication," he turns his body towards me. "You know, for your panic attack?"

I shake my head, eyebrows furrowed so much that it makes my headache worse. "No, no, I don't have any."

My fuzzy brain can't exactly decipher the look on Spencer's face, but he turns his back to me yet again and rushes down the stairs. I let out a hum at his confusing reaction, but it turns into a disappointed whine as he gets further and further away from me. So, still in my post-panic attack state, I reach for Spencer's coat for some sort of comfort.

As I tug on it, something falls out of the pocket. I blindly reach for it and have every intention of tucking it back into the pocket it came from, but the cool metal of the object heightens my senses, as if the object brings me back down to earth. I hold Spencer's jacket to my chest as I lay back down against my pillows, looking down at the metal circle in my hand. There's a triangle on the front- or maybe the back?- with a Roman numeral one on it, with the words unity, service, and recovery around the three sides. I turn it over in my hand and find a compass rose with only north labeled.

"Amelia?" My head pops up when I tune into Spencer's footsteps on the last stair, his phone in his hand and his untied converse in the other. He drops his shoes on the floor and then leans against the wall, his eyes traveling down to the floor instead of on me. I can feel his shame from all the way across the room and how his embarrassment starts to consume him. He instantly shuts himself off from me and it’s so disheartening to see how easy it is for him to do so.

"It fell out," I hold it out to him, despite our distance. "What did you order?"

Spencer doesn't move as I hold the medallion out to him, but all he does is tuck his hands in his pocket and study the patterns on his socks. "You don't wanna know what it is?"

I drop my hand against the bed and sigh, having used too much energy to keep my arm up for longer than two seconds, nuzzling my cheek against Spencer's jacket and trying to get a whiff of his cologne. If he won’t come to me then I’ll have to get a piece of him in my bed, even if it’s just the scent on his jacket. I need his comfort. "I know what it is, dove."

He takes a long breath and then walks over, taking the medallion out of my hand and shoving it in his pocket. "Pizza. I'm gonna go change and I'll be right back."

I hadn't even realized he had brought his go-bag upstairs at some point, but I only see it when he carries it into the bathroom. He doesn't shut the door all the way and I find myself wondering why. Maybe he doesn't want to completely shut himself away from me because he can tell I need him close. Or maybe because he didn’t want to rebuild his emotional walls around me, and closing the bathroom door would separate us. But I don’t have the time to come to a clear and coherent hypothesis before he has returned.

He's in a tee shirt and plaid pajama pants when he returns, dropping his bag onto the floor and letting out a heavy sigh. I watch him as he walks around the bed to grab his shoes and begins the process of shoving them into his bag, even though he doesn't need to. He knows he doesn’t need to clean his stuff up immediately. But I notice his medallion in his hand, squeezed between his pointer and middle fingers, and it makes me call out to him. His head whips over to me and I realize I have nothing to say. I need him beside me but he clearly has so much going on in his head and in all the time we've been together, I've never seen his medallion. That makes me nervous. Is this why he's acting like this? Is he thinking about getting his hands on a drug that will ruin his life?

I have nothing to say. But Spencer is staring at me, waiting for me to ask whatever question he thinks I’m needing to ask, as I clutch his jacket like my life depends on it, eyes half-closed as I start to struggle to breathe again. I open my mouth but nothing comes out and a tear drips down my cheek.

Spencer moves to kneel on the bed, pulling his jacket out of my hands and replacing the fabric with his body. "Hey, I'm right here, Lia, just breathe. Sit up for me, sweetheart," He places his hands on my waist and helps me sit up, coaxing my head between my knees. He somehow knows exactly what to do, despite not being able to see me during my previous attack. He knows just how softly I need to be touched and what volume to speak at without overwhelming me. "It's okay, it's okay, I'm right here, don't worry. I don’t want you to get worked up again." I manage to nod, and he kisses my forehead as a reward. Spencer just keeps holding me and whispering praises, tucking my head under his chin and rubbing my back with a feather light touch. “There you go. There’s my girl.”

“I’m okay,” I whisper, but it’s more for myself than for him.

“Yeah, you are,” he affirms. "Will you talk to me about these attacks and how I can help you?" His sweet voice is so buttery and smooth that I get lost in it, eyes fluttering and almost completely missing his question. I just want him to keep talking, to read me poetry or tell me random facts that I’ll probably never need to know. I just want him to talk, and talk, and talk, and break me away from the prison in my mind. I just want him to distract me.

“Um,” I lean into his touch when he brings his hand into my hair, scratching me behind my ears like a cat. But when I manage to open my eyes and look at him, he’s giving me such a serious look, one that says he means business, and I know that there’s no room for jokes or wit. “I don’t know. I’ve mostly dealt with panic attacks alone. I just let them happen and wait for them to be done.”

Spencer’s eyes widen in surprise but he quickly tries to hide his reaction, clearing his throat as a distraction, but it’s nowhere close to this distraction I had hoped for. “So you don’t know any coping mechanisms or take any medication for panic attacks?” I shake my head no. “Have you ever gone to a doctor or a therapist about this?”

Definitely not the distraction I was hoping for. I reach for the duvet and pull it over my head, deciding to ignore him. I manage to crawl out of Spencer’s lap and curl up on my pillow with my back to him, earning a defeated sigh from my boyfriend beside me. He takes a breath to speak but then the doorbell rings and I can only assume that means that dinner is here. Without a word spoken, Spencer climbs off the bed and goes to answer the door. I hear his chatting quietly with the delivery person before his sock-covered footsteps echo back up the stairs, and he returns with a pizza box.

Spencer just casually suggesting I go to a doctor or a therapist is so obnoxious and annoying and I truly can’t remember a time in our relationship when I was this mad at him. He talks as though a doctor's visit will solve all my problems and if taking a pill will turn me into the healthy, stress-free, mental illness-free girl that I want to be, but never have been, and never will be. I spent my childhood taking care of myself and my brother and I can keep doing that as an adult. I’ve gotten this far in my life, farther than I thought I would, so I’m not going to fix something that isn’t broken.

Spencer sits at the foot of the bed and sets the pizza box in the middle of the bed, not saying a word as he opens it up and separates the slices. I sit up slowly, rubbing my eyes as I tuck my legs underneath me. I reach for a piece of pizza and lean over the cardboard so I don't get the bed messy. If the bed gets messy and crumby then Spencer won’t be able to sleep tonight, knowing that there’s particles of food all over the duvet. He seems to be on the same train of thought because he refuses to move the piece of pizza in his hand away from the box. If I wasn’t so upset, I’d be telling him how cute he is and finding his cleanliness endearing and suggesting that we eat at the table downstairs instead of my bed. But the tension is so thick that I could cut it with a knife, and I don’t have the energy to ease it. But apparently, Spencer does.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Spencer asks casually, keeping his eyes down as he takes another bite of his pizza. "The way you talk,” he pauses and considers his words very carefully, “you've clearly had panic attacks before."

"It's not a big deal."

"Amelia," the stony, serious tone of his voice makes my head pop up. He looks annoyed, as if he doesn't believe what I'm saying. I haven’t yet learned that lying to a profiler is useless. "You had a panic attack on a public sidewalk and it was so bad that you went nonverbal. Panic attacks happen to a lot of people but they're serious and debilitating and you should get treatment for them."

"Don’t tell me what I should do. I don't need treatment," I answer far too quickly. "I know you have your degree in psychology or whatever but I don’t need to hear it. I’ve taken care of myself for this long and I actually happen to think I’ve done a pretty good job at it, so I don’t need medication or therapy to interfere.”

Realization flashes on Spencer's face and he puts his piece of pizza down, leaning his elbows against his knees. "Seeking out help doesn’t make you weak."

I scoff and roll my eyes into the back of my head, but maybe that's just to avoid eye contact or to repress the tears that burn at my ducts. "That's not what this is about."

"I didn’t mention anything about my degree, Amelia,” Spencer snaps. “And all I’m trying to do is help you. You can go to a therapist and discuss coping mechanisms and figure out why you even have them or go to a doctor and get medication that will regulate attacks and maybe you'll get something to take after you get attacks, it'll be so much-"

"No!" I shout, cutting him off, my hands balled into fists as I struggle to rein in all the nasty things I want so badly to say, but that I know he doesn’t deserve. "I won't! I'm not! I'm fine without it! I've gone my whole fucking life like this and I don't need to be fixed!"

I decide it's the appropriate time to throw a temper tantrum and scramble off the bed, not even bothering to grab a jacket or a blanket or shoes or anything as I stomp down the stairs and throw open the door to the balcony. It's colder than I remember it being and the air instantly seizes up my bones, but I ignore the feeling as I close the door behind me. I lean against the railing and let a few tears silently slip down my cheeks, not bothering to wipe them and instead letting them trail down my neck and dampen the neckline of my crewneck. Fresh air used to always calm me down, but now, being alone on a balcony after fighting with Spencer, the air only feels suffocating.

A few minutes pass before I head the door slide open and Spencer steps out. I expect him to speak right away, to use his profiling skills to defuse the situation, but he doesn't. He drapes a blanket over my shoulders and as frustrated as I am at him and at the world and at myself, the tiny gesture makes me feel better. I'm craving his touch yet again and I wish he would just wrap his arms around me, but yet again, he doesn't. I tug the blanket as tight as I can around my shoulders and imagine it's his arms. His arms that are so close to me but feel like they are miles away.

"I've been a hypocrite." Spencer's voice is quiet, but not in the same way as it was during my attacks. No, before he was quiet for my sake. But now he seems quiet because he can't bear to speak any louder. Like if he hears his own words, he will combust and break down. "I kept something from you too."

I turn around and find that he's sitting down in one of the armchairs, another blanket wrapped around his shoulders. I, yet again, notice that his medallion is in his hand. But he's not trying to hide it, he's staring right down at it.

"Does it have anything to do with your medallion and why it was in your pocket?"

"Partly," he answers, and then looks up at me, pretty brown eyes already glistening with tears. If I wasn’t so upset, if Spencer wasn’t so upset, if the tension hadn’t carried outside, I would have poked his perfect nose and told him how cute he is when the tip of his nose gets red from the cold. My eyes are just focused on the medallion though, being passed between his fingers with expertise and never slipping out. "I'm clean, I promise. I wouldn't risk breaking my sobriety. I have too much to lose now. I've got you, and my job, and my team- my friends, Henry. But, um, yeah, there's something that I didn't tell you and I know that I should."

Partially born from my own selfish need for affection, coupled with Spencer's broken down state, I go and sit on his lap. He happily lets me do so, draping one hand over my thigh, holding the medallion there. I rest my head on his chest and wait for him to feel comfortable enough to start his story. I can feel his heart pounding against his chest and I stare down his hand, tap-tap-tapping on the arm of the chair. His nervousness is just as palpable as the tension.

"So, um, do you remember when we first met? You always like to point out how you're not the profiler here but did you happen to notice how nervous I was?"

"Mm," I hum, racking my brain for the memories of our first few coffee dates. I remember his strained smiles and his stuttered out words. I think back to us spending Christmas together and how, later on, he just blurted out an invitation to be his girlfriend that lacked finesse and confidence. He has always been nervous around me, but I always just thought that he was nervous with new relationships. It never crossed my mind that there was a reason other than anxiety. "Of course. The first day we met, I don't even think you took your bag off, right? I just thought dates made you nervous."

"Well, yeah, that's kinda true," Spencer sighs and when he tilts his head down, his lips brush against my temple. His warm lips bring a shiver down my spine and he holds me tighter against his cold body. "The truth is, about two years before I met you, I had a girlfriend, her name was Maeve. Our relationship wasn't really conventional. We, um,” he pauses and shifts his weight, “she was a geneticist and I saw her when I was having migraines, but then we started dating. We never met each other though."

His constant past tense is alarming. Was.

"We talked on the phone. She had a stalker from before I met her and she wanted to make sure that I didn’t get wrapped up in it. And we had to be safe so we only talked on pay phones. Only on Sunday's and never from the same phone twice. I thought I, um, I thought I loved her and then-" Spencer lets out a breath that sounds defeated, tired, helpless. He drops the medallion into my lap and his hands fly up to cover his face, another shaky breath falling from his lips. “I shouldn’t be telling you this when you're in such a fragile mental state. This is a lot of information and-”

"If you want to tell me then you can. I’m not a fragile little girl, I can take it. But if you don’t think you can then that’s okay too. I don’t need you to show me all the skeletons in your closet because you think you’ve been hypocritical.”

Spencer drops his hands, revealing his quivering lips and wet waterline. I return the medallion to the palm of his hand and close his fingers around it. "I mean,” he lets out the tiniest, saddest chuckle, “I was being hypocritical, being mad at you for keeping information a secret when I was doing the same.”

“Okay, maybe a little,” my slight teasing gets a more genuine laugh out of him, and he drops his forehead to my shoulder to hide it. “But it’s okay. I understand that there’s some things you don’t wanna share immediately.”

Spencer keeps his head down, his hand in a tight fist around his medallion and the other on my waist, keeping me close. I can practically feel his fear and anxiety and his overwhelming pain through the tips of his fingers digging into my skin, and I want so badly to take it from him. I would gladly shoulder his pain so he doesn’t have to drag it around behind him like a suitcase with a broken wheel. But as badly as I want to, I can’t help him the way I want to and so I just need to comfort him to the best of my ability.

"She got kidnapped and shot in front of me," he blurts out quickly, the memory obviously too painful to say gracefully. "I realized she was gone so the team investigated and we found Maeve and the unsub brought me inside where she was being held and had me see her for the first time ever and then killed herself and Maeve right in front of me and there was nothing I could do about it."

Sometimes I don't know what to say to Spencer. He sees the worst that society has to offer, and the worst took away the first woman that he loved. I don't always know how to comfort him. Sometimes he just wants to be held and would rather not verbalize his feelings. And although I don’t love it when he decides to not talk things out, cuddling and giving out kisses is easier than arguing with him and trying to get him to talk about things he doesn’t want to. So physical affection is easier. But right now he doesn't seem to want to be held and I don't know how to help him. He didn't want to tell me this but clearly, today hasn't gone how either of us has wanted it to go. I've been spontaneously panicking and he's now confessing that his girlfriend was killed. None of this is right.

It takes him a few minutes to start speaking again, but when he does, his voice is quiet. "I almost relapsed after that," his head finds home on my shoulder again, and his other arm wraps around my waist. He holds me tight against his chest, adjusting the blanket around me to make sure I’m always covered and warm. "When I first got clean, I brought my medallion with me everywhere I went. I couldn't leave the house without it. I brought it with me on cases, to the store, everywhere. Then time passed and I could leave without it, and I was really proud of that. But then Maeve died and suddenly it was like I was right back at square one. I couldn't go anywhere without it. I needed the reminder of all my hard work and dedication or else I would've easily relapsed."

"Is," my voice is shakier than I wanted it to be, "is there something that's making you wanna relapse now?"

"Stalking cases," he answers, and that's not at all the answer I was expecting. I’m not really sure exactly what kind of answer I was expecting, but it wasn’t stalking cases. "They're common and they're not always violent so we don't always investigate but when we do, I hate it. It’s like torture on those cases, just having to relive what happened with her. Hotch doesn't even let me take part in takedowns of stalking cases because we both know I wouldn't be stable if a hostage situation happened. So,” he tucks his head into my neck this time, and I can feel his lips on my skin, leaving light kisses to make up for the heavy topic, “yeah, that’s what I was keeping from you. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize, dove. I understand.”

I turn my head away from him and stare out at the city. The sun is setting and the sky is painted a pretty pink and purple, mixed together in a way I wish I could achieve in my work. But the people below pay no mind to it. They speed-walk to whatever their next destination is and keep their noses tucked in their phones, or to wave their hand for a cab and bark out orders and throw money at the person who spends their lives being chauffeurs to rude politicians and businessmen. Nobody cares to look up and admire the beauty around them, beauty that they won’t see some day. They don’t look up at the unnatural colors in the sky or check to see if the clouds have taken the form of a shoe or a candy wrapper. They just walk, and walk, and walk. They don’t care. Nobody ever cares.

"I'm sorry," I choke out, tears suddenly pouring down my cheeks. I reach for Spencer’s hands, intertwining our fingers but keeping his arms around my waist. I don’t want to be without his comfort and his arms and his warmth. He seems to feel the same because he pulls me even closer somehow, my body completely flush against his. "I love you, Spencer, and you-” I hiccup, “fuck, you didn't deserve any of that."

"You're all I need in this life, Amelia. I didn't think I'd ever fall in love again but now I have you and," I can feel his hands shaking in mine, and although it’s hard to tell if it’s from the cold or from anxiety. "I just love you so much. Please don’t leave me."

"I’m never gonna leave you, Spencer Reid. Ever. I'm not going anywhere," I whisper, but I can't tell who it's a reassurance for. "I love you."

///

SPENCER

///

THE NEXT MORNING

///

No amount of nights turned into mornings at Amelia’s apartment could get me used to being woken up to sun beams in my eyes.

I scrunch up my face as the sunlight flows through the windows and almost blinds me. I roll over and reach towards Amelia's side of the bed, grabbing a fistful of sheets instead of a fistful of her. I let out a disappointed sigh and force my eyes open, popping one lid open to confirm my sad realization that I'm waking up alone. Now I'm understanding how Amelia feels when I have to leave for cases.

I can feel the heat blasting and it makes it bearable for me to exist in only my pair of pajama pants, so I don't bother to put a shirt on. I swing my legs over the side of the bed and check my phone, just to make sure there isn't a spontaneous case on a Saturday, and there thankfully isn't anything yet. So I run a hand through my hair that is probably wild and climb out of bed, making the trek down the occasionally terrifying floating stairs.

I pause on the last step when I peer into the kitchen, the dumbest smile appearing on my face when I locate my girlfriend. She's sitting on the counter in the kitchen with her legs up and crossed at the ankles, dressed in only an oversized white tee shirt and pale blue wool socks. Matching, unfortunately. She's wearing her normal butterfly necklace, I can see from here, but she's missing all of her piercings- nose ring and earrings. Her natural curls are out in full force and are only contained by one of her patterned scarves, wrapped around her head like a headband. She's holding an apple in one hand and she has a book resting in her lap but I can't quite see the spine to read the title. But this is one of the moments I'm thankful for my fancy memory, as Amelia calls it, because she looks so effortlessly stunning and perfect and beautiful that I'm glad I'll remember this moment forever.

I watch her for a moment. She wiggles her toes every few seconds and then takes a loud bite from the apple, flipping the page and darting her eyes across the lines. Effortless. Remarkable. I'm often blown away by her simple beauty. I wonder how she does it without trying. How she renders me speechless. How she makes me feel like a teenager in love. How she makes me feel like a lovesick puppy, galloping around at her feet with stars in my eyes. How she makes me feel like she's completely out of my league. How she makes me feel like I'm the luckiest man in the whole world.

When I decide that I have to get my hands on her, I step off the stairs. She still doesn't notice my presence, I credit that to my bare feet on the hardwood, and she only looks up when a floorboard creaks. She lifts her chin and reveals her stunning dimples, ocean eyes wide for me. "Morning!" she quips, tucking a bookmark into the page and setting her book aside. "Wasn't sure you were ever gonna wake up."

"I don't like waking up alone," I brush my fingertips along her leg as I walk closer, eliciting a shy giggle from Amelia. No matter how many times I touch her, she still gets shy about it. I peer over her legs and my eyebrows raise. "You're reading Rossi's book? What's that about?"

Amelia giggles, picking up the book and inspecting the cover. "It's more of a courtesy, actually. I bought all three books of his the other day and I'm planning on ripping out all the pages to use for a piece of art for my next exhibit. But I figured I'd read them first before I destroy them, you know? He saved my life as a kid so the least I can do is read his books before I destroy them."

"Hmm," it's not really at all the answer I was expecting. I watch her face as she plasters on a shy smile, kicking her feet like an excited child and clutching the book to her chest. I don’t have the heart to ask her any more questions about her decision to rip up Rossi’s books because I don’t want to wipe that smile off her face. "Interesting. Breakfast?"

"Not before you give me a kiss," Amelia's delicate voice balances out the horrors Rossi illustrates in his book as she brings her lips to mine. "If you're cooking, I don't care what you make."

"Sounds like a plan,” and just as I didn’t have the heart to question her art, I don’t have it in me to go further than an inch away from her lips before she decides it’s okay. So that leads to kissing for far too long, the book tumbling out of Amelia’s hands and onto her lap, my hands holding her jaw. Her lips are different in the morning, slightly chapped and not yet bleeding from being chewed relentlessly. But, for some reason, I prefer them like this. And I definitely prefer chapped lips to glossy lips that get all over my face and takes a makeup remover wipe to get rid of. I quickly flip through the last few images of Amelia in my head and notice she hasn’t worn lip gloss in a while. Maybe that’s for the better though. She won’t have to hear me complain and watch me rub at my lips and grimace when my hand gets sticky too.

“Okay, okay,” Amelia giggles, grabbing my hands and pushing them away, “let’s not get carried away. I am hungry.”

“Then why didn’t you make breakfast yourself?” I sass, turning on my heel to start collecting breakfast ingredients and feed my hungry lady.

“Haha,” she snickers sarcastically, rolling her eyes at me. And a comfortable silence falls over us as I start cooking, occasionally glancing over to watch her thumb through the book. It etches a hopefully permanent smile onto my face.

"I do have a question, though," Amelia fiddles with the corner of a page, curling it between her finger and keeping her eyes down. I hum lazily in response, mixing pancakes batter, far too focused on making sure I get measurements correct to be able to make eye contact with her. "I don't wanna make you uncomfortable but your medallion- well, it," she sighs, obviously not able to find the words for what she wants to say.

It’s not my favorite topic of conversation so early in the morning, but I guess the sooner Amelia asks her questions and gets them out of her system, the sooner we can stop having conversations about my demons. "You can ask whatever you want to.”

"It's not a bad question, I don't think," she responds, and turns so her legs are swinging over the edge of the counter, facing me. "I'm just curious what the compass on the back means. It seems odd to me. I mean, the front says recovery and all but the back has a compass? I've never heard of these medallions having a compass on them."

"The designs differ," despite the relatively tame question, I busy myself by trying to create perfect circles with the batter on the hot skillet. She could've asked me about my experience with drugs and how it feels and she could have unknowingly triggered me, but no. She just wants to know about the compass. I guess that’s better than making me relive relapse or make me remember what a high feels like. "I've obviously been clean for more than a year, so the other medallions I have for other years have different designs on the back. But I always liked the one year medallion the best."

"Will you tell me why?" She presses gently, pulling her knees back up to her chest. I've seen her do this plenty of times, shut herself off from conversations, I mean, and I hate it when she does. On normal days, when she shuts herself off from conversations, I do what I can to put her at ease and get her to open back up. But if anyone should be shutting off from this conversation, it’s me. "You don't have to, if it makes you uncomfortable."

"Getting to one year is really hard," I admit quickly, keeping my eyes off her as I move the pancakes from the skillet to a plate. "So when I finally got to one year and I got the medallion, it was a huge accomplishment for me. And the compass? It’s just a thing that my program preached. North is always regarded as the right way to go, even though that’s not really true in theory, but I never pointed that out. But my program had us pick someone or something to represent north for each person. So that way, if anyone was ever going through withdrawals or cravings, we could think of that thing we chose and it would give us the motivation to get through a hard time. The thing would give us a reason to go north, the right way. Basically, the way to recovery. The way to go back home.”

“And what did you choose?”

“My job,” it’s such an unenthusiastic answer, no light or happiness in my voice. “My job was all I had at the time, but my job being my north never felt right. It was never really motivating. Maybe that’s why it was so hard to get past a year. I had nothing to look forward to.”

"One more question," Amelia speaks, softer this time. "Can you come here?"

I look up and find that Amelia is resting her chin on her knees, giving me that same cute smile from before. I nod, scooping the last pancake off the skillet and putting it on the pile before walking over, dragging my feet. Amelia drops her legs and holds out her arms, wrapping them around my shoulders the moment I get close enough. I instantly melt into her embrace and tuck my face into her neck, feeling her fingers on the back of my neck, tracing small shapes and letters.

"I know that I didn't know you back then," Amelia whispers, warm breath tickling my skin, "but I'm proud of you. I'm proud that you're strong enough to keep your head up and stay clean. And thank you for trusting me with all this information. I love you so much."

My body is filled with that familiar warmth that I only feel when Amelia is around, and I can't stop the smile that comes to my face. The tears in my eyes dry up quickly at the praise. "Thank you for loving me."

"I always will," she pulls away and slides her hands up to my face, pointer fingertips tracing my jaw and up to my cheekbones. She swipes her finger across my bottom lip and then brings it up to my nose, poking it gently and giggling under her breath. She’s deep in thought, I can tell from the look on her face. "You know,” she smooths down my eyebrows and then her fingers follow my hairline all the way down to my jaw, “I’ll be your north," she suggests. "I know you always tell me that talking to me when you're on cases helps, but I wanna help you with everything, with every aspect of your life. I wanna help you with the ugliest parts of your life, and not just the ugly parts of your job. I'll be your north. I'll be your reason to come home and I'll be- I'll be like your guiding light. I'll be your lighthouse. I'll just," her hands halt on my cheeks and her legs twist around my waist, bringing our bodies flush, "I'll be your north."

My heart is pounding as I smile at her, the tears that had just dried up coming back tenfold. She's smiling her stupidly gorgeous smile but not even making eye contact, just staring down at my lips as she lets her brain settle from all the words she just vomited and as she holds herself back from her obvious impulse to actually kiss me. So I lean forward and peck her lips, untangling our limbs. "I'll be right back," I ignore the sting in my chest at the disappointment clear on her face as I pull completely away from her hold. But I kiss her cheek for reassurance before I disappear back upstairs, grabbing my go-bag.

I return to the kitchen with last year’s Christmas present in my hands and open up to the page I'm searching for, walking up to my girl. Her back is to me, pouring more batter onto the skillet to finish up breakfast. But the moment she puts the bowl of batter back on the counter, I swing my arms over her head and bring the sketchbook in front of her to show her a journal entry.

"I didn't always use it for sketches," I explain as she grabs the book from me, "but I use it. A lot. Read that entry," Amelia goes radio silent as she reads, and I rest my chin on my shoulder to read with her.

Amelia is my north. I always thought that I'd be alone for the rest of my life and I'd never fall in love again. I thought I had been scorned too hard and I'd never recover. But Amelia gives me a reason to want to go home. She gives me a reason to not make that reckless decision that comes to my mind in the field and she gives me a reason to not go out in the middle of the night and go searching for a new dealer. She gives me a reason to live and maybe it's wrong of me to rely so heavily on another person who could leave me just as easily as everyone else in my life has, but I don't care. She gives me a purpose and she's the reason I come home every day.

It's the little things she does that make me love her. I love seeing her face pop up on Garcia's video chats and I love seeing the snacks she leaves in my desk and the notes she leaves for me and how she always makes a point to clean my apartment when she's over. I've never met someone quite like her.

I didn't think I'd ever find a person to personify "north." I always thought that "north" would remain this mysterious entity that I would blindly chase after my entire life and remain following towards a life of recovery, or a life of constant relapse and pain. Or that I would just continue lying to myself and saying that my “north” was my job. But now I know that Amelia is that "north" that will always be by my side. As long as I have her, then I'll never have to chase after a nameless, faceless goal. I'll always have my north right beside me.

Amelia sniffles as she shuts the sketchbook, setting it gently on the counter. "Okay, fuck you for making me cry."

I toss my head back laugh, grabbing her waist to turn her around, taking the job of wiping her tears. "I’m sorry, love, that wasn't my intention."

"That was really sweet, dove," Amelia disregards her tears, throwing her arms around me and pressing her face into my neck. “I’m never gonna leave you, Spence. I want you to believe that. I love you so much. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know,” I clutch her waist in my hands as if that would keep her from leaving, “sometimes, I just feel helpless and unlovable and when I feel like that, I come to you.”

“Good. You’re not unlovable. I am so insanely in love with you and you’re never, ever getting rid of me.”

“Good,” I echo, pressing my lips to her shoulder and trailing kisses up her neck. “You’re-” Amelia’s stomach growling silences me, her cheeks turning pink as she ducks her head away. “Okay, alright, the mushy love fest is over. Eat some breakfast.”

“I’m sorry,” she giggles, turning in my arms to dish out pancakes for us, “I’m just really hungry and I wasn’t gonna make anything until you woke up. But the bottom line is that I love you and I’m always gonna be in your apartment, cleaning shit you don’t want me to and annoying the hell out of you.”

“Yeah, you definitely annoy me when you leave the curtains open and I get blinded in the morning.”

Amelia turns to me with the cutest smile, holding a plate of pancakes out for me. “At least you get to wake up next to me in the morning.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” I lean over the plate to give her what seems like the millionth kiss to the morning, “waking up next to you is pretty amazing.”

TAGLIST

@bxnnywriting @babybloodstonebones @blameitonthenight21 @feralreid @anepiphany @goldenalvez @reidscardigan @itsmyblogandillreblogifiwantto @stxrryspencer @m0rcia @whollytaciturn @thegingerfairchild @yasminwashere @shrimpyblog @blakes-dictionxry @anamelessfacelessnerd @wonderlandhatter @whxt-to-write @inkandexchange @just-call-me-non

#nikos north fic #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fic #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid x oc #criminal minds fic #dr reid #dr spencer reid #mgg #matthew gray gubler #matthew gubler

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mamacleo · 3 years

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"We don't want to be doing this either."

CW/TW: Frank talk about borderline personality disorder. Can be triggering.

What did they give you?

Did they give you love? Did they give you respect? Did they give you support?

Did they give you abuse? Did they give you disrespect? Were you on your own?

If it's both? Unpredictable? Nearly random? And constant?

Imagine being in Marine boot camp. That for no reason you can grasp, either everyone hates you or you think they do. Imagine every expression of respect or support is suspect because you know it carries conditions that can cripple you. Because there is never any knowing if a good word hides a fist or a knife.

Imagine, too, that when you screw up, you will be physically hazed for you don't know how long, how hard, and it is random. What got praise yesterday can leave you bruised today. Or scarred. Heaven help you if they should get creative.

It comes with brainwashing. Always. Being told you deserve what you get. Your self-worth being dismantled with verbal violence. Always with the voice of rage. The sound of rage. You hear it coming before it arrives now. You are powerless to stop it.

There are no rules. There are no guidelines. There are no patterns. Any time, day or night. In your sleep. While you're eating. While you're resting.

Imagine being on guard for all of this all day, every day. Your amygdala, lighting up all day and feeding you nightmares at night. The constant short breath, the constant flow of adrenaline. Always assessing your surroundings in the vain hopes you might escape.

Now imagine that Marine boot camp lasting for twenty years.

How would you come out? What kind of a broken person would you be if you went into boot camp and it didn't end? Didn't stop? Worse than you imagined? You had no idea how long it would last? Every day, hoping it's the last, hoping there'll be a break, but there isn't and no one will tell you when it's gonna end.

Waking moment to sleep, then the nightmares. Lather, rinse, repeat. Twenty years. Maybe more.

Could you do it? Could you do it without committing suicide? Could you?

Would the Geneva Conventions allow us to do that to prisoners of war? Could we stand before The Hague and escape judgment?

What would you be like if you went into the Marines as a young adult and were trapped in it, no escape, no hope, and didn't come out until you were middle-aged? Two decades of this? Can you imagine this being done by the Marines and there not being a Congressional inquiry?

Could you do this to an adult human being?

It happens to children. Every day. Every, every day. By parents. Teachers. Relatives. Schoolmates. Clergy. Youth leaders.

The results of this are, for most victims, devastating. For most of us, we end up with this thing that psychologists tagged "Borderline Personality Disorder." That's what BPD is, not bipolar disorder, if you were wondering. The pathology of it is complex. It's brutally hard to cope with.

It's emotions ratcheted up way past 11. The best word I have for it is "operatic." Every cruelty is Carmen, every battle is Ride of the Valkyries, every terror is Don Giovanni. The pain, and it is an emotional pain so severe you feel it all over your body, is excruciating enough to make you scream. (At first.) I could tell you how it usually goes, but there is no usually goes. That's the horror of it. It's devious.

It knows you better than you do, because it's fueled by your subconscious and knows all the secrets you won't consciously admit to yourself. It will not hesitate for a heartbeat to use them to crush you, because believe me, BPD is all about destroying yourself. In your mind, you're just finishing the job the world started.

You're easily triggered. It can be anything. It can be nothing. You may not know what did it. It might hit like a shot. It might build up. It might come over you like a tsunami. Once it starts, you can't stop it. Not usually.

For instance: I have been showing borderline symptoms since I was about 11. I've been like this for 49 years. Only in the last two have I made the kind of progress to where I can now either divert or resolve the episode without the usual damage.

It wasn't easy. Though I didn't realize it until just this very moment, I used it against itself. I worked hard on this, obsessively, compulsively, for close to 40 years, and my progress is phenomenal.

All the fierce concentration, the operatic fears, the delusional thinking--I've gotten very, very good at it--and I still can't always stop it. I have strategies, but they don't always work. Every time is different.

Think about that. EVERY TIME IS DIFFERENT.

If you have not gone through it, you simply cannot imagine it. And the exhaustion. Oh, holy Hera, the exhaustion. You cannot imagine the crushing weight of a lifetime of this. It affects your physical health. People who don't have this don't understand, *it's cumulative.* And like arsenic, you can't flush it out.

The best you ever do is manage it. It's a life sentence. There's no escape. Your brain was hardwired to be like this. Like John Mulaney says, "We don't want to be doing this either." With work, and it takes a LOT of work, you can make it better.

But not everyone has it. Not everyone is strong. Not everyone is brave. Not everyone can make the right decisions. Not everyone can think clearly.

Most of us don't even realize it. I didn't until I was 58 years old and a shrink diagnosed me following a suicide attempt. How can you fix it when you don't know that it's there? Shrinks don't want to deal with us. We take work, exhausting work. We're hard to live with. They'd rather just medicate us, and not all of us respond to what few meds there are.

Now allow me to blow your mind.

THERE ARE TENS OF MILLIONS OF US.

We're "the weird kid." The dork. The manic pixie dream chick. The ones who hated ourselves so much it showed. That doesn't change. It never changes. There is no therapy, no counseling, no medicine that will ever get rid of that deep, tenacious rupture that is BPD self-loathing. The best you do is come to terms with it.

The stigma must end. It's difficult. We have a long road. It's only recently becoming known and there is a lot of fear of us. It's not unwarranted, either. People get caught up in our emotional storms and get hurt. Occasionally even physically. I will tell you hard things, but I will not lie to you: we have deeds to answer for.

Mine is managed, at last, but it still can't be controlled. I just spent a week in a particularly cruel one. And went into one last night. I got out, but the shadow of it will linger a day or two.

The best you can do is come up with strategies. That is something I can help others do now, and it is going to make everything that has gone before worth it.

#borderline #borderline personality problems #borderline personality disorder #trans #trans woman #borderline treatment #borderline acceptance

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sillypandalover91 · 4 years

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I adore Baxter and even though this guy is fan dubbing him, I absolutely LOVE this voice and am therefore HC him sounding like this.

https://youtu.be/eN0o2n7xDKc

youtube

And now for an extra HC that no one asked for but it goes with the one where Alastor likes buying Angel'a merch like the good boyfriend he is:

He is a HUGE fan of Angel's. It all started when he was looking around in a book shop, searching for something to inspire him when he stumbled upon a video tape set of something called The Lady Science Collection. The synopsis on the box claimed that it was some of Angel's best work and that it would be sure to leave any scientist more than satisfied with the contents within.

Curious, Baxter bought it and has been hooked and crushing on Angel ever since. He goes so far as to buy as many videos as possible, or at least he tries to.

Some asshole that goes by the username DeerGentleman34 keeps winning most of the items Baxter is after. What's worse is that it seems like he is being targeted personally.. that or this DeerGentleman is really some horny bastard who has perverted intent with his beautiful Angel.

With misplaced chivalrous feelings fueling him, Baxter creates a device that messes with the binary code on the website. This is outside of Vox's and Velvet's interest so they don't enforce his rule on that part of the web, leaving Bax to do what he wanted so long it didn't blow out the rest of the web.

The next time he bids on an item, he sees that DeerGentleman34 is there also trying to win a body pillow and poster set of Angel possed like a pinup girl and dressed in black lace lingerie and a doctor's coat coquettishly falling off his shoulder's.

What makes this something an absolute must have for any self respecting collector of Angel Dust memorabilia is the fact that this was the first and last time he posed without shoes. His bare feet and legs were only covered by sheer black thigh highs and you can see the heart shaped pads of one of his paws as the other had a red soled high heel clinging to his toes.

As for Angel himself, why, he looked like his best friend had told him the funniest joke he had ever heard because his high spirits could be seen clearly in his lucid eyes.

"I need this," breathed both Baxter and his rival from opposite ends of Pentigram City as they poised themselves for the bidding war.

It's a long one.

Emotions were high.

Bidders slowly backed off as soon as the price fell too far out of what their wallets allowed until it was only him and DeerGentleman34. They paused and allowed the timer to tick down until there were only seconds left.

"Yes, that's right, you imbecile," murmured Baxter as he saw DeerGentleman34 submit a seemingly final blow of 300k and 1 dollar that would have bested his own. "Angel's smile is mine!"

Baxter slammed his gloved claw down on the execute button to activate the program that created a lag for the Deer who thought he deserved this bounty more than him and submitted his own final bid of 300k and 2 dollars then promptly covered his eyes when the screen went black and a pixilized loading image of an imp couting money popped on.

He peaked between his claws and gasped when his username DrAngler44 was shown to be the winner of the lot.

Giggles escaped him as he stared at his spoils being carefully packaged for instant delivery. The chat exploded with both praise and disgruntled curses but Baxter paid it little to no mind. He was far too light with elation that his plan had worked. He found a way to beat DeerGentleman34.

The package was delivered via imp magic and in a puff of purple smoke, his carefully wrapped treasures were delivered right on his courier basket.

Almost reverently, Baxter unwrapped the package starting with the poster. He heard the chat in the background ping with demons begging him to see his treasure as he carefully placed the poster inside a glass frame.

It was even more beautiful in person. The print was obviously of the highest quality and Baxter drank every inch of the masterpiece once he hung it on the wall. He studied it carefully until his eyes landed on the signature at the bottom corner.

"Oh my Satan!" Baxter pushed up his glasses and stared at the neat script.

Anthony Ragno

His face burned. Angel's real name was a sign of authenticity. There were only three if these prints left in existance here he thought he was getting a collector's edition of a reprint! But then did that mean...

Baxter ran back to the box and pulled out the body pillow and stared at Angel's- Anthony's cheek.

There, preserved by magic, was the imprint of Angel's kiss in red lipstick.

He swallowed and hovered his finger tips over it. Angel had actually kissed this pillow. This was his lipstick. That was his handwriting.

He needed to sit down.

Burying his face in his pillow, he couldn't help but giggle again. The giggles turned to laughter. Laughter turned to cackles as he quickly took pictures of both items to show what they really were and uploaded it to the chat.

Baxter hugged his pillow and watched with all the self satisfaction of a demon who screwed someone into handing over their soul as the chat exploded once again. He saw DeerGentleman34's username show that they were typing something out but after a few minutes of the ellipses showing and disappearing, Baxter turned his attention to stare fondly at his pillow.

"I am going to treat you like the treasure you are," he told it. Shame long lost, Baxter leaned into Angel's face and rubbed their noses together.

Sighing happily, he turned to the chat one last time to turn it off when his blood suddenly went cold.

DeerGentleman34 had finally typed out his message.

It didn't bode well for Baxter at all.

DeerGentleman34: You are invited to the Radio Tower, my good fellow. Everyone, stay tuned.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel angel dust #hazbin hotel alastor #hazbin hotel baxter #radiodust #is implied #alastor types with two fingers #but he gets his message across #baxter×angeldust #one sided #i call it angelfish

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ramblings-of-a-mad-cat · 3 years

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Okay. I passed Y6CHR45, and... I want to say that this is very bad. I mean, that... This plot twist with Merula is very illogical and obvious. I'm not a fan of Merula, but. First, why it's obvious. Because in the storyline, Merula is our rival, not our friend. How many nasty things did she do MC, etc. Well, it's too obvious that in the future they will try to make her our enemy. Second, why it's illogical. Merula has very different goals. Don't be the same as your parents, take revenge on Rakepick and kill her, become stronger and more powerful. There is not a single point in being with 'R'. Why would she want to work with someone she wants to kill? I think it would be logical if Merula joined the Death Eaters. She and her aunt had been threatened by the Death Eaters. This is what Merula said in Y5CHR28. And Andre was talking about the mark on Merula's hand in year six, when Bill taught us the Barrier Spell. Still, I think Merula was framed by someone. Merula was still ready to drink the Truth Serum. And one more thing. Won't the MC say anything about it? Not to the professors, not to Ben, not to Jacob, not to anyone about what they saw in Knockturn Alley? Hey, JC, we have a Muggle Studies class on Y7, and there will be Merula. MC will just forget about it or what? It's just stupid. I apologize, I have nobody to express this misunderstanding of the JC logic. 🤨 And one more thing. I don't think Merula is a mole. In fact, I think the mole is Penny. Because it's very logical! 'R' could have threatening and blackmailed her, like... They could steal Beatrice, or threaten to kill her, if Penny didn't follow their instructions. Penny, in her fifth year, said she would work with anyone to save Beatrice. And if you add it up in this form... I mean, Penny is the most logical option. She's the most popular girl at Hogwarts. She knows every rumor, she knows the secrets of many students. No one will even think about it! How can you think of one who is very kind, helps everyone, understands Potions, etc? This is my theory, and honestly, I still stick to it. Knowing the character of penny, for the sake of Beatrice she would betray even MC.

I don’t know, I don’t think of it as being that illogical. I suppose it was rather obvious, but in a sense, those two ideas are in conflict with each other. If a plot twist is logical, it can be predicted. If it’s not, then it won’t be, but that’s a whole different problem. In any case, this got very long, so I’m putting it under a cut.

Was it obvious?

She has been our enemy from the start, but her character arc seemed to suggest that was changing. In a way, this actually made her a less obvious suspect. At least to me. She was the primary antagonist of Year 1, but we quickly got used to her nonsense. Stopped taking her seriously. Meanwhile, the story gave her depth. Many players grew to care for her, many pitied her, but even the ones who didn’t no longer saw her as a serious threat. At the same time, the scale was gradually increasing. By Year 5, Merula wasn’t the antagonist anymore, not just because she had been deconstructed, but because the story was darkening, and the times of a school bully being the villain were long over. Hell, by Year 2 we knew about R, and by Year 4 we had Rakepick to wonder about. Year 5 not only brought Merula’s character arc to the point where she became more of a friend (but no less prickly and combative) it also fleshed out the game’s Big Bad to the point where it became clear that this was much bigger than MC, or anyone in their year. Year 5 also exonerated Ben, and later unceremoniously killed the “Rowan is R” theory by having Rowan be imperius’d like Ben was.

No one took Merula seriously anymore, people felt sorry for her, and we felt as though we understood her completely. That nothing she did could surprise us. This was capped off by the betrayal of Rakepick, compounded with her using the Cruciatus Curse on Merula. Because MC was betrayed, but not by any of the students. But by their mentor, who was always shady in the first place. Merula was put in a horrible position where even her greatest Antis surely felt a twinge of pity for her. Anyone left who suspected her probably wouldn’t have after that night. What’s more, it played into the idea that we understood Merula perfectly. Because she reacted exactly as one would expect her to. She regressed. Year 6 depicted her as someone firmly on our side, but predictably not someone who would be nice about it. From her jabs about Rowan, to her fawning over Jacob, people were annoyed with her, but no one suspected her. The game practically taunts the player, in hindsight, with the veritaserum scene. Because that’s just it - no one thought she would betray MC. They were worried she would go rogue, but no one doubted her loyalty.

Why did she do it?

As for the logic of her decision, I likewise disagree. I believe Merula had every reason to join R. I don’t think that the Cabal and the Death Eaters are so different that one would make sense for her to join, and not the other, if that makes sense. She could have gone either way, but at a guess, Merula doesn’t think very highly of the Death Eaters. She refers to Voldemort by his name without a care in the world. If they really were threatening her, I feel like she wouldn’t want to cave in, but she might be attracted to joining a rival faction that could provide her (and her aunt?) with protection. If there’s one thing we know about R - it’s that they have a history of making enticing offers to children, provoking them to “prove” themselves to be accepted into the Cabal’s ranks. The description of them being her new “family” gives me cult vibes, and it really sheds some light on why Merula might have been drawn to them. She was lonely, she was angry, she wanted power...and R came along to offer her everything she wanted at the time. Whether she wants to leave now is uncertain, but if we assume that she’s been the mole since the very beginning, it’s probably way too late for her to just walk away. R would not allow that.

As to the sequence of Rakepick torturing her, we don’t yet know what was going on in that scene. Though I am feeling somewhat vindicated in the knowledge that there was more to that scene that meets the eye, just like I was sure there had to be. Perhaps Rakepick and Merula planned that whole thing, perhaps it was staged. Which would mean that Rakepick faked the spell, and Merula pretended to be tortured, and that her entire vendetta against Rakepick has been a facade. Or maybe the curse was real, but Merula agreed to it beforehand. Or maybe she knew the betrayal was coming, but Rakepick went off-script by turning her wand on Merula. Either way, if Merula’s vendetta was real, I don’t think it’s out of character for her to want revenge. Who cares if it’s someone on her side? This is Merula we’re talking about - I don’t think that would stop her. Now, if we assume she was not yet an R mole at the time (I think she was, but for the sake of argument) then perhaps R reached out to Merula, apologized for Rakepick’s torture and promised that they did not authorize it. Promised that there would be consequences, and Merula could be the one to inflict them, if she agreed to join them. It’s a longshot, but I guess it’s possible.

The Future.

The existence of this twist doesn’t really create any holes, I don’t think, and while it may put the writers in a tricky position moving forward, that’s not the same thing as them screwing up the continuity of the past. They’ll have to find a way to make this work, and until we see the ramifications, I’m willing to wait on judging how this arc plays out. MC will have a choice to make, certainly, in how they handle this. I can’t wait to see the dialogue. What they do next remains to be seen. Do they confront Merula? Turn her in? Or...if we want to be really sneaky, what we should do, in my opinion...is act as though nothing’s changed. Spread the word to people like Moody and Ben, but...do not let Merula catch on that we know. The way to salvage this situation, from a purely tactical perspective, is to let R believe they still have a spy at Hogwarts...but begin to feed her misinformation. Lead them astray. This is quite literally a war tactic, because hey...this is a war. Now, the issue with that is that Merula will likely face punishment once R figures out that she’s being misled...but hopefully we can save Merula before that point, and to the players who despise her - or even feel like she’d deserve it for her treachery...they probably wouldn’t care anyway.

I don’t think we can really judge based on the Muggles Studies classes, or anything that we know about Year 7. I also don’t expect Jam City to consider what we “know” and in all fairness...I mean, they don’t have to. That is unreleased content. Nothing in the data-mines is, strictly speaking, canon, or part the continuity. With the way that scene ended, it suggests that Merula won’t be returning for Year 7. Maybe. The data-mines contradict this, but data-mines don’t provide the full context. They aren’t released content, and anything could change. There were once data-mines that confirmed Skye as being in MC’s year, as well as suggesting that Murphy felt embittered about his disability. Both of these things were cut. So they’re not canon. In general, I think Jam City has a terrible approach to dealing with hackers, but one thing I will say in their defense is that they aren’t required to write their scenes based on what the fandom has discovered in the data-mines. If we’re confused, well, that’s kind of our own fault. But I’m sure everything will become clear eventually. I hope.

Penny.

For meta reasons, I don’t see them pulling a double twist and revealing a second character to be the “real” mole, but it’s not impossible. And I’ve said all along that the Year 1 characters were the real suspects. MC unknowingly being the mole was my theory, mostly because Moody is shady as all hell. But Ben is shady too, it’s just that he had a rock-solid alibi in the form of Rakepick trying to kill him, since she couldn’t have known that Rowan would intervene. Setting aside Merula, since I’ve also said from the start that she isn’t a good liar...that leaves Penny. I really don’t think Penny is shady. I’ve never thought that. I’ll admit that she does essentially approach MC out of the blue to befriend them, but I mean...so does Ben. This happens on a much larger scale later on with Alanza. I can believe Penny would go to the ends of the earth to protect Beatrice, and maybe when she was imprisoned in the Portrait, R contacted Penny and strong-armed her into this deal. The issue is, Beatrice is safe and sound as of sixth year. The Black Lake incident is still a bit spotty, and perhaps that was R going after her again...but I just don’t think there are enough hints for me to believe it, personally. If this were true, why was Ben the character who insisted on coming to the Portrait Vault instead of Penny? She could have demanded to come along too, and no one would have blamed her. Everyone would have understood. Not to mention, Penny has severe tells when she’s stressed. She does not act like herself. She’s mostly back to normal in Year 6, and her behavior reflects that Beatrice is safe now, just pulling away. If Beatrice was still on the hot-seat, I feel like Penny would not be keeping it together. Finally, that raises the question of how much Beatrice is aware of all this. Does she know about this deal? Because I find it hard to believe she wouldn’t tell anyone.

#Merula Snyde #HPHM Theory #HPHM Spoilers #Patricia Rakepick #HPHM Analysis #HPHM Cabal #Penny Haywood #HPHM R #Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery #HPHM Datamines

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