#this weeks dumb reason was i didnt eat all my lunch one day . so i got banned from the next one :sob:

[infectedpaul]

summer camp sucked shit though , my “camp” was just babysitting by the school so i had like a weekend of summer break before i had to wake up at 6 am again to get dragged back to school 

#dex says things #the school one was actually different i started going to the school the year of the waffle stomping #my dad drove me to my first summer camp which was at my daycare #and this was after weeks of being banned from trips for dumb reasons #this weeks dumb reason was i didnt eat all my lunch one day . so i got banned from the next one :sob: #and my mom andmy dad were at home that day #so my dad comes home and tells my mom did you know she got banned from another trip #MY MOM GOTSO PISSED SHE DROVE RIGHT BACK DOWN AND CUSSED OUT A TEACHER #NOT EVEN THE TEACHER WHO HATED ME #n then i started going to the one at school which sucked too #but my friend from extended day awas there a lot so that was fun we read discord whooves together there

[antiwhores]

Hello is it ok if I can please request headcannons for when bakugo slowly falls in love with fem reader

Bakugou slowly falling in love with reader.

Gotchu bruh, enjoy. I got somethin wrong with my stomach btw yall. Shit hurs.

Minor bullying, smut, fluff, pure love, unedited.

You both started out as aquantences.

He didn’t know you, you were an extra in his everday middle school life. But he knew you existed by the end of the year.

He didn’t really bully you; you weren’t one of Deku’s friends nor were you necessarily a loser. You had your own small friendgroup that you chilled with.

He started to really notice you in the last year of middle school.

You started to get braver with the people around you and speak to them.

So you were fairly well known.

Still not significant to him though.

You got paired with a couple of prodjects with him since your desks were near each other so he was forced to talk to you.

No matter how rude he was to you, you were calmed though. You never cried, never went into a fit of rage, never took serious offense, nothing.

It was weird as hell.

“You’re so fucking dumb. No wonder no one likes you.” He would utter at the smallest mistake. You’d not even bat an eye as you hummed to his conclusion. “Im very well liked. Also, im more of an average smarts type of person.” Then you would proceed to rant on about your grades and your academic record. He would give up.

He started to take his bullying a step up, he needed to see a reaction for some reason.

He dumped your pencil bag on the floor as his friends laughed in the background. “Oops, your fatass pencil case got in my way. Better pick it up now, asshat.” His tone was laced with a condescending tone, yet you would only glance at him briefly before continuing your work. He clicked his tongue, “Hey! Im talking to you!” He grabbed you by your hoodie and dragged you out of youe seat. Your expression never faltered as you looked into his angry eyes. “You looking down on me?!” You blinked at him, “No, I just don’t feel like picking ‘em up right now. I forgot to do my homework last night and now I have to speedrun it ‘cause if my grade drops again I’ll be in the ground.”

He slams you into your locker, “Gimme some money twerp, I need a drink.” You pull the inside of your pockets out to show you have nothing. “I’m broke, not a single cent to my name right now. I blew it all on shit on Amazon. I bought a book about a girl who eats cactus, 100 mini corgscrews, a variety pack of European candy, magnesium, a snow cone making machine, an old fashioned compass, a bike horn that makes that clown noise, a vibrating back massager, 4 pounds of chunky water-“ “ALRIGHT SHUT THE HELL UP DAMN!”

This constant cycle goes on until the end of the year.

You both are working on a project together when you look up at him. “You’re going to UA right?” He perks up at that, “Of course I am, whats it to you?” You twirl your pencil, “Same, omg twin.” “WHAT?!”

Turns out you were auditioning for the support course. Bakugou is less than pleased about this. He still finds your nonchalant attitude annoying, giving you the name Corpse to bitch about your unresponsivness, but you’re growinf on him. He’ll never admit that though.

In the first couple weeks of school you both dont talk much. Mostly cause he doesn’t want to.

One day you just sit at his lunch table and start eating like its nothing.

“What the fuck do you want Corpse?” “We’re gonna be working together soon. Thought I’d touch the cold water before diving right in.”

The project is when he starts to notice the little things about you.

His friends always mention how pretty you are, hes starting to recognize that too.

You smell good, like honey and mint mized together to make a sweet concoction that could get him drunk.

You were very observent. You noticed his small habits and connected them to bigger ones. This is how you learned to be cool with him.

Your eyebrows would furrow slightly when something didnt make sense.

He hated how much he was paying attention.

By the second year he could call you his friend (in his mind of course) without denying it or acting disgusted.

You started to become friends with his friends and they invited you to hang out with them whenever the chance arose.

You sat at the same table as him, always sitting next to him.

You would sometimes just come into his room just to chill. He’d complain but he secretly didn’t mind. You never snooped, you just chilled.

You started to talk more and show more emotion around him. He would see more emotion than he’s ever saw in you. A laugh that would make him blush red, an occasional flirty tone, eurphoria whenever anything super good happened, etc. This only happened in private though. Never with other people.

He started to develope a crush on you.

You were a touchy person and he was used to that. But all of a sudden the hand touches to ground him or the leaning in to see what he was doing started to make his heart beat so fast.

He wrote it off as allergies and mindless lust until the 3rd year when he couldn’t take it anymore.

Thats when he finally confessed. And you accepted with a warm smile and a kiss on the cheek.

Dating came naturally to you too. You were happy in eachothers presences and you both could handle each other the way no one else could.

He wouldn’t really show any steamy affection until your 3rd year at UA. You got kisses eventually and cuddles. You also got hugs and make out sessions.

By the 3rd year he just couldnt take having to palm himself to pictures of you anymore.

He then finally got the courage to initiate freaky shit.

At first he resided with just humping you until he came in ropes into his pants. Then he started to feel your titties and grope you with clothes on. Then he would let you palm him and jerk him off until he splattered all over your hand. And then after long debate, he was allowed to touch you too. Then came the oral pleasure. Then the clothes came all the way off and they mixed it all together. And then FINALLY you two had mindblowing sex.

After that he realized his favorite food was you and vice versa.

By the beginning of 4th year you two were attached at the hip.

You showed him everything, he knew everything about you and vice versa.

You two were madly in love. Nothing could stop that.

By the time you both were out of school he was ready to marry you. He couldn’t see himself with anyone else.

And he finally did it about 2 or 3 years after school.

You said yes, of course.

The wedding was themed a mixture or his favorite color and yours.

And the rest is a blur, a blur spotted with hearts and stars until they both passed away together at an old age.

#mha x reader #bakugou headcanons #bakugou katsuki #bakugou thirst #bakugou x reader #bakugou imagine #bakugou smut #bakugo x reader #katsuki x reader #mha smut

[nikrangdan]

classmate!sunghoon

pairing: classmate!sunghoon x female reader

genre: fluff, comedy

description: you felt like park sunghoon was way, WAY out of your league... what happens when the teacher tells him to move seats and sit next to you?

*didnt proofread

————

becoming friends with park sunghoon was not something you expected to happen this year

throughout high school you had a small group of friends and never really stuck out

so when your teacher told sunghoon to move seats..

the seat happened to be the empty one next to..

guess who *cue the evil laugh*

YOU!!!!

your first thought was

‘this entire year is just gonna be him completely ignoring my existence or awkward interactions’

now you’ve heard of park sunghoon.... its basically a guarantee at your high school

he has this group of friends and theyre labelled as the popular kids i guess you could say

and the only reason he had to move seats in your two hour long class was because he and his friend jake goof off in class too often and your teacher deemed them “too distracting”

so eventually sunghoon was forced to move all the way across the classroom

right next to you

you were shocked to say the least

obviously he was handsome

too handsome to the point where you questioned how someone as good looking as him went to your school

he sighed and got up from his chair next to jake

but he still had a small smile remaining on his face indicating he wasnt that upset about him having to leave his friend

your heart began to beat quicker automatically as he walked towards your desk

even if you didnt have a crush on him like alot of people did, you still felt nervous around popular students like him for some reason

he ran his hand through his hair and sat down next to you, setting his bookbag on the floor next to him

he didnt look at you, nor acknowledge you

Awkward....

but nonetheless the lecture began again and the class sat in silence

taking notes on their laptops or sleeping

there were around 30 people in your class and your seat was in the middle row next to the window so you often gazed outside from the 2nd floor during class

you glanced to your right and noticed sunghoon slouched back in his seat, twirling around a pencil in his hand while his laptop remained open on his desk

it was just a white screen so he didnt take any notes

you were surpised because you knew he had fairly decent grades

you ignored your thoughts and continued taking your own notes

soon enough the bell rang and sunghoon stood up immediately and walked over to jake

‘yup’ you thought. ‘we are definitely not going to be having a single conversation this year.’

fast forward a couple days!!!!

you were sitting in class next to the boy

as normal

and you still have yet to talk to him.. mainly because you never initiated conversations ESPECIALLY when its a really really cute boy

anyways

ur teacher is like

Ok class im assigning a project and ur partner is the person sitting next to u

yay!!!!!! (can u sense the sarcasm)

welp

you sit in silence while everyone in the class starts discussing with their partners

the project is you have to make a presentation on a world issue of your choice

“um...” u start

sunghoon starts pulling out his laptop and binder

“what do you wanna do?”

he doesnt even look you

well!!!!!!

u didnt know sunghoon and his group of friends very well but u definitely thought they were more... friendly than this

its silent for like 5 seconds

“huh? oh sorry did you say something?”

“uh yeah.. i asked what you wanted to do for the project.”

“project?”

God u tried so hard not to laugh

you think he noticed because his cheeks turned a really light shade of pink

he looked so innocent

“yeah we have to make a presentation” you lightly chuckled

he was very amusing without even trying

“oh sorry haha.. i zone out easily”

“its okay.. but its due in less than 2 weeks so”

so you two spent the next hour choosing a topic and working on the project

it was kind of awkward for the first 10 minutes but then you warmed up to eachother

u were lucky that he was an extrovert too

(sunghoon is an extrovert for the sake of this story OK)

u were also lucky that he was smart

it was easy for you to talk to him.. he just felt comfortable

contrary to ur prior belief.. sunghoon was actually a really really cool guy

u used to think he was just a guy

now u think hes a really really cool guy

“can you please stop putting penguin clip art on the slides” you giggle

then he puts parrot clip art instead

“do your work!!!!” he was supposed to keep researching but he was trying to balance his pen on his nose

“shhh y/n... im doing something important.”

you roll your eyes

he was always doing something that was Not work

but you found it entertaining

and he’d make dumb little jokes that made you both hide your faces in your arms on top of the desk to hide your laughter

“hey y/n”

“what”

“what do you call an old snowman”

“i dunno.. snowgramps”

“no.. water”

you both made eye contact before bursting into laughter and then forcing yourselves to be quiet before u got in trouble

but that made everything funnier so you both were just covering your faces while trying so hard not to make a sound

this was so weird

u have never clicked with someone so fast before it honestly felt exciting

you were talking to sunghoon as if you’d been friends with him since birth

Very Very weird because you had only talked to him an hour ago and now u two are acting like besties ?!?!

jake noticed from across the room too

hes like ‘Why is sunghoon having fun without me🙄🙄’

the bell rings and so far you only have 2 slides

“we didnt get anything done” you note as you pack your bag

“yeah yeah i know. we can work on it more tomorrow”

“right.. see you tomorrow” you’re about to head out until jake walks up

“hey bro” he and sunghoon do some kind of made up handshake before he turns to look at you

now you know jake

everyone knows jake

you used to think he was the sweetest out of all their friend group

and he definitely lives up to that!!!

“hey y/n!” he gives u a smile

AWE hes so adorable

“hi” u reply

you were trying to speed up this conversation though so you could go eat lunch with your friend

“hows the project going?” he asks

“bad. sunghoon doesnt know how to do anything.” you deadpanned jokingly

sunghoon looks at you with an offended look that makes you wanna snort

“hey! you’re the one who doesn’t know how to add text to the slide!”

“what the hell sunghoon?! don’t tell him that, it’s embarrassing!” you give him a dirty look before walking out the classroom door with a smile on your face

days passed and you and sunghoon would only speak during that class but whenever you did it would be a mess

“sunghoon, y/n, quiet down! there is no reason for my classroom to be this loud!” your teacher scolds you two after sunghoon slapped his desk after you accidentally snorted

u two had such a weird relationship

u were almost strangers outside this one class but besties when u were in it

jake noticed too

one time he asked sunghoon during lunch why ur relationship was what it was

“i dont know.. thats just how we are” he answered

but jake kind of suspected sunghoon had a crush on u

*wiggles eyebrows*

it had only been a week but jake was determined to set u up together

“y/n you look cold, heres sunghoons jacket!”

“y/n sunghoon needs help with his homework, can you maybe do something about that..”

“sunghoon, y/n looks sad go give her a hug”

needless to say it worked!!!!

because a week after you presented your 2 weeks worth project

sunghoon asked u on a date

YUPPPPPP

let me recite how it went

u were walking out of class together because jake wasnt there that day

sunghoons bookbag was slung over one shoulder and u were stood next to him with both hands on ur straps

“hey.. do u wanna maybe go grab something to eat with me for dinner..? or something” he quickly asked

“what, like a date?” you joke

“uh.. yeah” he replied looking down at u

u stop in your tracks

WHA

No way

“wait what? seriously?” you look up at him with wide eyes

“yes u little munchkin” he pinches your cheeks exaggeratedly and pulls them to make your face sway everywhere

u swat them off so fast

“um.. okay” u answer and ur face heats up

you cant even look him in the eye

like u cant say u DIDNT see this coming but it was still a shock

“awe is y/n blushing” he teases

“go away stupid”

yeah he doesnt go away

ANYWAYS u are the cutest couple ever

everyone wants to be u two so bad!

couple goals literally

jake is so proud of himself honestly

whenever u get into a silly little argument his rebuttal is always

“remind me who got u the best boyfriend ever? thats right, me. dont try me y/n”

and ur like

“ooohhh jakey im so scareddd”

he cannot stand u

but Yeah sunghoon bestest bf ever

takes u on dates whenever u want to

makes u laugh very much

almost too much

and ur parents LOVE him

mhm sunghoon very awesome guy

#sorry this one was short and quick #cries #enhypen #enhypen imagines #enhypen x reader #enhypen scenarios #enhypen jake #enhypen sunghoon #sunghoon #enhypen blurbs #enhypen drabbles #enhypen headcanons #kpop #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #enhypen reactions

[roimp]

I HAVE TWO ANIMAL STORIES I JUST REMEMBERED @roonilwazlibweasley @justadreamyhufflepuff sit down for the show

no english simply incoherence here anyways let's begin lol

OK SO FIRST ONE I DID NOT GET TO WITNESS BUT WHEN ME AND MY BROTHER CAME BACK FROM SCHOOL MY MUM TOLD US THAT A MONKEY CAME INSIDe!?!?!?!? LMAO SO BASICALLY OUR DINING TABLE HAS THIS GREY THING WHERE WE KEEP FRUITS AND STUFF AND THERE WERE BANANAS HANGING THERE TOO. IN THAT OLD HOUSE OUR WINDOWS HAD BARS AND STUFF BUT SOMEHOW A GROWN MONKEY GOT IN AND LITERALLY SAT ON THE DINING TABLE AND STARTED EATING THE BANANAS LOL THEN MY MUM CAME IN AND WENT ?!!??!?!? BECAUSE WTF HOW DID A MONKEY GET IN AND WHY IS IT EATING MY BANANAS

SO SHE TRIED TO MAKE IT GO AWAY BUT IT JUST LOOKED AT HER LIKE 😐 BITCH 😐 SO SHE CALLED MY DAD AND HE TRIED TO DO IT TOO BUT IT STILL JUST LOOKED AT HIM LIKE 😐 BITCH 😐 SO HE GOT A STICK AND SCARED IT AWAY I GUESS I DONT REMEMBER PROPERLY (HE DIDNT HIT IT JUST gO aWaY) ANYWAYS THE MONKEY LEFT THROUGH THE BARS AGAIN SOMEHOW BUT IT TOOK ALL THE FUCKING BANANAS LMAOSJHDSJHA I HATE BANANAS SO GOOD FOR ME THO

ok second story

SO THAT LAST ONE WAS LIKE 6 Y EARS AGOO THIS ONE HAPPENED LAST YEAR

I LIVED IN THIS TEMPORARY HOUSE FOR A FEW MONTHS AND THERE OUTSIDE OF THE WINDOW THERE WERE LOTS OF CATS I MEAN I COULDNT GO THERE BECAUSE IT WAS DIRTY AND STUFF BUT YEAH LOTS OF CATS WERE THERE (ALSO I WAS DUMB AND IDNT CARE ABOUT CATS THEN :() AND THEY ALWAYS FOUGHT LIKE MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW DK WHAT WAS GOING ON AND IT'S NOT EXACTLY RELEVANT BUT CATS ARE CATS SO WHO CARES

ANYWAYS MY MUM HAD MADE FISH FOR LUNCH THAT DAY LIKE SHE HAD KEPT A PLATE OF IT NEAR THE STOVE TO COOK AND THERE WAS A WINDOW IN THE KITCHEN SO SHE LEFT FOR SOME REASON LIKE WENT TO MY ROOM IDK AND WHEN SHE CAME BACK TO THE KITCHEN A CAT WAS SLIPPING OUT OF THE WINDOW WITH A FISH IN ITS MOUTH SHDJXHDHHDHJHSJDJ IT JUST TOOK ONE OF THEM AND MY MUM WAS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AND MY BROTHER WAS 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀 AND I JUST LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY MUM WAS SO PARANOID AFTER THAT THE NEXT TIME SHE MADE FISH SHE CLOSED THE WINDOWS AND LIKE SHE WAS RIGHT LMAO THE CAT CAME AGAIN AND TRIED TO STEAL I FORGOT HOW SHE KNEW BUT YEAHSJHDXJSD

I read all this and first I'd like to say that IM LIKE LAUGHING OUT LOUD ALL OF THIS IS SO FUNNY AJSGSKDHDJHE

OK SO FIRST STORY OMG MONKEYS AJSGDKDH AND OFC HE ATE ALL THE BANANAS LMFAO IDK I DONT HAVE MUCH COMMENTARY LIKE JUST ALL OF THIS IS SO FUNNY LOLOL

OMG CATS AAAAAAAAAA (YOU DUMBASS CARE ABOUT CATS) MEOW MEOW MEOW FIGHTING LOL AJSGDJSH OMG ANIMALS JUST KEEP STEALING FOOD FROM YOU ROSE LOL

.

OK SO IM GONNA ADD MY STORIES HERE TOO OKAY SO I LIVE NEAR LIKE A HILL OR KINDA LIKE JUNGLE YOU CAN SAY SO LIKE NOWADAYS MONKEYS FROM THERE HAVE BEEN COMING TO MY SOCIETY IN SEARCH OF LIKE FOOD AND STUFF OKAY SO WHAT HAPPENED WAS MY PARENTS HAD KEPT LIKE SMALL FOOD LIKE CHANNA OR SM FOR SQUIRRELS TO EAT OKAY BUT LIKE 10 DAYS AGO THIS HAPPENED SO ME AND MY SISTER WERE SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM AND LIKE I WANTED TO WATCH TV SO I HAD CLOSED THE WINDOWS OKAY AND AFTER SOME TIME WE SEE A MONKEY COME AND LIKE FUCKING EAT THE FOOD AND JUST LEAVE LOL LIKE ????? WE CALLED MY PARENTS AND THEY TOOK A VIDEO LOL AND WE WERE JUST LIKE "GOOD THAT WE CLOSED THE WINDOW" LOL (EVEN THOUGH IT COMING INSIDE CHANCES WERE LESS) WAIT I JUST ASKED MY DAD FOR THE VIDEO LOL ILL ADD IT HERE OKAY LOOK

AKSGSJSH JUST ATE THE FOOD AND RAN AWAY LOL

ONE MORE MONKEY STORY SO THIS ALSO HAPPENED LIKE LAST WEEK SO I WAS SITTING IN LIVING ROOM WITH MY DAD AND SISTER OKAY AND I WAS FACING AWAY FROM THE WINDOW (IM VERY CLOSE TO THE WINDOW) AND TALKING WITH MY DAD AND SUDDENLY MY SISTER SCREAMS AND WE ARE LIKE ??????? GIRL WHAT HAPPENED AND I LOOK BEHIND AND A MONKEY WAS THERE AJSGSJSJ AND IT LIKE GOT SCARED AND FROZE BY MY SISTER'S SCREAM BUT THEN WE MOVED SO IT MOVED TOO AND IT RAN AWAY AND LIKE THE WINDOW WAS OPEN AND I WAS SO CLOSE TO THE WINDOW AJSGSKDJDKD

AND THOSE ARE MY STORIES LOL

#story sharing time guys #tw caps #long post #my idiots

[kibybun]

Hi. Can I ask you to write about Aizawa or Hawks and their darling, who constantly joked about death and eventually she committed suicide, please? I love your writing💞 You are so awesome and talented and cool. Thank you so much for your work💕

Oh my gosh, thank you so much! I hope you like it!💞💞

Platonic Yandere Hawks x suicide joking reader

Tw: Yandere, suicide, self harm, angst

Enjoy!

💛Hawks first met you at the sports festival, showing off your quirk and demonstrating power. You caught his attention rather quickly.

💛Not only were you adorable but intriguing as well. You wore long sleeves, even though you looked uncomfortable in them, and you seemed oddly quiet compared to everyone else, shying away when they come up to talk to you.

💛Another thing that stood out to him was when you were doing the calvary battle. No one came to ask you to join their team, but you didn't go out and ask to join either. You just stood there until a purple hair guy came up to you, most likely getting you to join his group.

💛Though, you seemed to change. Your fighting style and the way you use your quirk changed.

💛It bothered Hawks the whole calvary battle but he was put at ease when some kid with a tail backed out due to the other guy brainwashing him.

💛You end up backing out too, much to Hawk's dismay.

💛Even though you weren't fighting anymore he still keeps his attention on you, not seeing your other classmates or students.

💛He watched you zone out and silently cheer for your classmates, finding it adorable as you watch in awe at some of the battles.

💛The sports festival ends and he follows you home, only to make surd your okay. Once he got home he quickly put in a request for you to come intern with him before going to bed.

💛When you went back to school you were excited to see if anyone wanted you to intern with them, knowing you wouldn't get as many requests like Todoroki or Deku.

💛... two. Only two requests.

💛It hurt to look at the board and see that you one of the most unwanted students in class 1-A. You thought you did really well and maybe impressed more than two people.

💛You get your list of hero agencies and sink deeper into your self pitty when you realize that one of the agencies werebt even specifically asking for you. All the students got requested by them.

💛That leaves Hawk's agency.

💛You didn't know much about him and his work so this was going to be awkward.

💛When the day came to board the subway and head off to your internship, no one wished you goodbye. All the groups and clicks were together, walking each other to their respective trains while you again, stood alone. You ere used to it though.

💛You board the train and zone out, nearly missing your stop.

💛Right as you get off the train your vision is filled with red feathers. Low and behold the pro hero who requested you.

💛His charisma hits you as you instantly feel welcome. He makes witty remarks about the train being too slow as he begins walking with you in tow.

💛Along the way you ask him why he wanted you to intern with him. He smirks and responds with a "Why wouldn't I?" That didn't answer your question.

💛He walks you to his agency and introduces you to all his other interns. After that he shoves you towards the bathroom, telling you to change into your hero costume.

💛He sure didn't waste time as the two of you begin patrolling the city. It seemed very rushed and eager but you prefered it over having to sit in class and do quizzes.

💛During patrol Hawks starts questioning you about school and life almkst like an uncle or brother would. It was very odd to you, considering you never get asked questions about yourself.

💛You felt so pitiful not being able to tell him your birthday, you had forgotten it, but somehow he was so understanding and kind about it.

💛It wasn't long before all of his fans flocked to the two of you, shouting questions and begging for autographs. You didn't like how all the people were surrounding you and Hawks could tell.

💛He uses his wing to shield you and hastily shoos the crowd off. After that he asks if you're okay and checks to make sure you didn't get hurt.

💛His intentions weren't to sleep with you, no. They were pure. He almost saw himself in you, alone and blocked off from the world. He just wanted to protect you and make sure you knew you weren't alone.

💛It was working too.

💛In the short week you were with him you had laughed the hardest you had in awhile and smiled more. You even considered him your bestfriend.

💛The one downside of your friendship was he couldn't see your cries for help.

💛While one roofs or flying with him you'd make jokes about how easy it would be to fall and die or how fun it'd feel to free fall.

💛He'd only laugh these off, thinking it was some kind of dark humor, because if something was wrong he'd trust you to tell him.

💛When the internship was over you had to hold back tears as he hugged you goodbye. Of course he gave you his number to keep in touch but it wouldn't be the same as sneaking away from work and eating fried chicken.

💛The second the train left you felt how alone you were. You didnt want to text him right away because that would feel too needy. Should you even text him? Was he doing it just to be nice or did he actually care?

💛You leave those thoughts behind as your phone buzzes. It was a text from Hawks. "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

💛Your mood brightens as the two of you continue sending dumb chicken jokes, memes, and puns, with the occasional "dark humored" joke from you.

💛You make it home and your texting slowed, mainly due to Hawks having to work. You didn't know he was actually flying outside your house, making sure you were okay before flying off to buy you a dumb looking teddy bear.

💛Slowly, your mood begins to brighten with the constant reassurance of Hawks being there. He knew the right things to say at all times. Self conscious about your outfit? Incomes a barrage of compliments and confidence boosters. Nervous about a test or presentation? Boom, paragraphs about how amazing you are and how you can do it.

💛It almost made the emptiness inside go away.

💛Problems don't just go away, and it really shows.

💛Whenever you couldn't text or call Hawks your loniness sinks in. You had no other friends besides him. Your parents weren't the beat either with their comments about what you're doing or what you're wearing.

💛It only reminded you of all the reasons for the scars on your arms.

💛But before you could act on those reasons he was there. It was always magicly when you were crying in bed or fumbling with a sharp object.

💛Over time Hawks picked up on your thoughts and feelings, causing him to watch over you every second he could. He loved you so much, he couldn't lose you.

💛The amount of cute gifts he gets you griw over time. More stuffed animals, more snacks, more little trinkets. Anything to make you happy.

💛And again, it worked. The nights you spent crying or staring numbly at the ceiling slowly decreased. You also threw away the razors you had hidden, determined to stay clean.

💛When the work studies came you were the happiest you've ever been. You got to be with Hawks again.

💛Upon seeing him you were greeted with the best hug you've ever gotten along with fried chicken for lunch.

💛But something was off this time. He seemed a little more paranoid walking around the city with you, more eager to be inside at night, and disappearing at night.

💛It worried you, making you overthink the hole situation tenfold.

💛What if he was trying to avoid you? Where you being that annoying? Maybe he was tired of you. You should just leave him alone.

💛He hugs you goodbye as you leave, still conflicted.

💛Sadly your thoughts only grow stronger as time goes on. His texts become shorter and less frequent, making you think he was tired of you. His constant gifts had stopped as well

💛Hawks couldn't control his lack of contact with you. He wanted to spam you with memes at two am like he normally did but he was given a mission that couldn't be compromised, even at the expense of your friendship.

💛You fall back into your dark place without him. You were reminded of how forgettable you were to everyone, how you had no friends beside him, how your parents were disappointed in you.

💛What's the point in living in pain?

💛You start cutting again, just wanting to feel something again. You stop sleeping and eating, not feeling the need for it anymore. You completely passed out during training due to this.

💛One weekend you ride a train away from your town and into the one where Hawk's agency was. You were looking for him, a sign, anything, to tell you to stop.

💛The streets were empty and he was no where in sight.

💛You fight yourself at the top of a business building, hands trembling as you sent a final text to your only friend. You told him how much he ment to you, how grateful you were to him, how sorry you were for being annoying and taking up so much of his time, how this was goodbye.

💛You got to feel the wind rush past you. You were right about it being fun to free fall.

💛Hawks was talking to Dabi when his phone buzzed. Thinking it was the commission he checked it.

💛Dabi watched as Hawk's smug demeanor turned to confused then broken. He watched the pro hero fall to his knees and clutch his phone, nearly cracking it.

💛Dabi didn't even have a chance to ask what was wrong as Hawks flew at super sonic speed away from him and up into the sky.

💛He first scanned the buildings looking for you, wiping the tears from his eyes to try and see better. When he couldn't find you he swoops down low to the streets to see if he could catch you before you hit the ground.

💛He stops when he sees the splatters of your body of the ground.

💛He collapses next to you, sobbing as he looked at your remains.

💛It was his fault. He should've been there so much more. He should've watched you more carefully than he did. He should've killed those fuckers who thought they were better than you.

💛You should've lived.

💛Hawks lays there crying, going over all the things he did wrong and how it should've been him to die.

💛The morning comes and police officers tape off the area, pulling a now broken man away from you. They clean the area and leave.

💛Hawks mindlessly sits in the spot you were in, hoping this was a nightmare.

💛Night falls and Dabi managed to find him. He tells Hawks that he saw the news. It was odd for him to feel sympathy for a hero but here he was.

💛Hawks stands and grabs Dabi's hand, placing it on his face before begging him to set him ablaze. He didn't want to live in a world without you.

💛Dabi backs up, retreating his hand and looking at him stunned. What exactly did you mean to him?

💛Hawks continues to beg and pleas but Dabi continues to refuse. Too bad Hawks would do anything to die at this point.

💛Hawks shouts out his plans to spy on the league, to manipulate and destroy them from the inside. How he would kill them all in secret if he could. How it would be the best feeling ever to watch them die in betrayal.

💛Dabi falls for his trap. Rage was the only thing he could feel as his fire engulfed Hawks, semding him to the grave in a firey blaze.

💛He ran from the scene, leaving another body in the same spot.

kiby~💚

#bnha hawks #hawks #hawks x reader #keigo tamaki #mha hawks #my hero academia keigo takami #bnha #my hero academia #yandere hawks #yandere Keigo #yandere #yandere x reader

[pbandjesse]

I finally got to go to work at my new site! And I really like it! But today felt like a really long day. I havent worked 7 hours in a row for a while. So I am pretty tired. 

I had a really hard time last night. I was really emotional and I didnt feel good still. I cried a bunch and I just felt really dumb for feeling so sad for no reason. So sleep did not come easy. 

But I woke up in a better mood. It was a very grey day. And as I was getting washed up and dressed it started snowing again. 

The apartment was incredibly hot. The heaters worked to well today. But it was cold outside. I had to leave here really early to go get fingerprinted and I was nervous about driving. And while I feel a lot better, my cough has gotten more annoying. Its just like a tickle that happens in the back of my throat and its very embarrassing because there is a pandemic happening around a cough!! So I try to keep it in and then I choke and sound insane. But I got washed up and dressed and said goodbye to James and sweetP and off I went into the wet world. 

The snow was very pretty. But still a little scary to be out in. It was mostly just wet though. I got to the finger printing place and had trouble finding the front door but I did it and helped the uber eats guy find the door too. We were both confused. 

The girl who did my prints was very nice and it was nice talking to her. I didnt have to pay because it was for the Y so that was cool. And it was a quick process. And soon enough I was back out into the snow. Wishing I had a hat and different shoes. 

I went home and it was still early. I dont love starting work at 11. As it cuts into my art and lazy morning time. But It was only 930. So I had breakfast and watched a video. I worked on a new loom. And listened to James lead their very first substitute teaching class! It was super cute hearing them talking to the kids and I just felt all proud and bubbly about it. 

I wish I could have stayed and listen longer. But soon enough it was time to walk to my new job. 

And it wasnt a bad walk. I brought an umbrella, as the snow was wet and heavy. It would soon turn to ice and rain though so the site stayed open. All good. It is actually a really easy walk. And it turned out when I got lost the other day I was only one street over. I dont know how I had gotten lost but I made it there with no trouble at all. 

I got inside and they showed me where the academic support area was. And I got to meet the people Ive been texting with and everyone was so nice! I had a really nice day actually! Its a much smaller group, closer to my PAL location. And there were even a few kids from my last site there! So that was a nice surprise. 

I had to do some waiting and while I did I ended up buying a chair on Instagram from a local antique store and its super strange. It's a dressing chair and James is gonna pick it up for me tomorrow. I'm very excited.

I spent the first hour getting acclimated and showed around. Signing things and filling out paperwork. I was a little annoyed because all the paperwork I had gotten together and printed for the last site somehow got lost again and because I dont have access to it on my phone or tablet I would have to wait until I got home to sort it out so that was dragging on me. But honestly. It was a great time. 

The kids are sweet. But it was a long day and filling in that time was hard. Especially because I was feeling a little run down. I did get to lead a art project and that was a great way to introduce myself. This site lets the kids watch some movies during lunch and pick up time. And we did multiple little projects in the afternoon and went to the gyms to run around. We had peaches and cheez its for a snack and I really enjoyed the peaches. I should buy peaches more. 

I really like my coworkers though so thats pretty great. The one is a woman and Im only with her for the first hour, but she seems nice. The other I am with for most of the day and he made me feel really cool but it was also because he seemed really cool. And I hope we can work together well. We brainstormed some art projects and other project ideas. And he's much more into the physical stuff then me so it was fun to watch him come up with games and things in the gym. I played catch with some girls. I did try to do the lead stretching he had but I got a crazy charlie horse in my side that scared me so I stopped after the first couple stretches. I dont know what happened but I hope it doesnt happen again. 

The end of the day I was just cleaning and making plans for tomorrows project. Im going to try to get them to sew. Well see how it goes. But I have a good feeling. Its a young group but not to immature. I think it will be good. 

I was happy to go home though when the last kid got picked up. My new coworkers are a little nervous about me walking home which is very sweet of them. But the sun was still out and there were lots of street lights. And I was home quick. 

James had put together snacks for me so I wouldnt get an upset belly while waiting for dinner. I got the best partner. We had little pizzas for dinner. And as we were cleaning up got a frantic call that apparently a pipe from our apartment was leaking into the girls below us. Aw man. So it was a frantic figure out where that water was coming from and James figured out it was coming from the sink. So we had to turn the water off there whille I ran downstairs to talk to our neighbors and get some duct tape. Mr Will is going to come in the morning to check it out. But water damage is my nightmare so I was a little unsettled. 

Once we got it sorted out things felt okay. I went and did some organizing in my studio. Worked on some art. And now I am on the couch being sad about my mouth hurting but also just enjoying listening to James play monster of the week with their friends and weaving a beautiful story and it just makes me laugh and its great. 

Now I am going to wash up and get in bed. I hope its an easy sleep. For you as well. Goodnight everyone! Be safe out there. 

[kaz11283]

You-15, Sam-16, Dean-19

It's been a few years and your friendship with the boys grow stronger all the time. You and Sam have a close friendship but you and Dean are inseparable.

~~~

Best Friends

Chapter 3

"Boys are so freakin stupid." You huffed walking into Dean's room. The boys had decided to come along and stay with you at the end of the school year. Your dad deciding to just let you stay at Uncle Bobby's during to keep you from having to transfer you everywhere around the country, the boys however werent as lucky with their dad.

"Why? What happened to ol what's his face?" Dean asked not taking his eyes off the movie he had been watching.

"He ditched me for Karen." You sassed and made a face saying her name. "Your all hormon driven. Every. Single. One." You said sitting down next to the bed.

"We're not all like that. Look at Sammy. Hes more into books and studying." He laughed scooting over and patting the bed so that you could lay down next to him. "Want me to kick his ass?"

"No, hes not worth the time. It was a joke anyways thinking he would actually like me." You said hanging your head. "Jesus how could I be so dumb. I should just start traveling with dad again. Get outta this town. I dont like anyone here anyways, no one would miss me."

"Stop that self hate bull right now. Y/n there are other people out there. Besides you have friends here. Like actual real life friends. Out on the road it's just me, dad, and Sam. Kinda lonely really."

"Ah yes very lonely going state to state deflowering girls and saving the day. Must be hard with so many conquests under your belt." You rolled your eyes, you knew that dean didnt have a problem traveling all over the states.

"I am not having that talk with you. You like my little sister I never wanted and it makes me feel wierd."

"Dean, I'm 15 now, I've fooled around with guys. It's not like I'm completely innocent in a sense." You laughed sitting up.

"Stop really. Like gross. Dont you have homework you need to do or studying or something. Really y/n of your gonna start talking about that get out. Makes me wanna get names and go beat some boys asses." He said pushing your shoulder with his.

"Na. I'll stay. Finish watching this movie with you, if you dont mind. I haven't seen it in a while anyways." You said propping on the head board. "Where is Sammy? We could make this a movie night like we use to have, stay up till morning when Uncle Bobby wakes up he could even yell at us." You laugh.

"Had a date with some chic in town, probably sobbing all over some girls face." He said grabbing his drink off the floor. "If we're making this a movie night we need popcorn and some snacks." He stated pointedly at you.

You rolled your eyes and got up. "The only reason I'm getting everything is because I wanna change into my comfy clothes." You walked out of the room.

"Pie! Dont forget the pie!" He yelled.

~~

"Tired. So tired." You mumbled over the book Bobby had sat in front of you.

"Well if you and Dean hadn't stayed up all night watching scary movies and cackling like a bunch of Henson you wouldn't be. Now help me figure out what this thing is or I'll stick you out there with the boys." You had to admit at least you was inside instead of in the heat working in the garage. Your uncle hadn't been the happiest when he woke up to find you and Dean still wide awake at 6:30 watching a Hatchetman marathon.

"All I'm saying is if you dont want me to conk out I'm gonna need some coffee." You said getting up and going to the front door.

"Y/n, we have coffee in the kitchen." Uncle Bobby grunted after you.

"I also need fresh air, uncle Bobby." You walked out of the door

~~

You had convinced the boys to go with you to a little outside diner in the middle of town ri grab some lunch and just hang out. "So do yall know when yall are leaving me behind again?" You knew it was inevitable that they would leave and you might not get to see them till Thanksgiving or even Christmas.

"Last we talked to dad we were staying through summer and leaving out around the first of August." Sam said taking a bite of a fry. "But he also talked about taking off the last few weeks of summer along with your dad. Taking a type of family vacation."

"Ha, you both know just as well as I do that's not gonna happen. Dad was suppose to be out of the business a long time ago. Even bought a house and wound up selling it because there wasnt a point in owning something he never used." You laughed taking a drink of your milkshake.

You looked up in time to see the guy you had plans with the night before walk into the diner. "Come on, I'm sure Uncle Bobby is wondering where we are. I still have some research to do and yall gotta finish working in that car for him."

"Haha y/n. Nice try. What's going on? Your never willing to get back to work." Dean said still eating on his burger.

"I'm turning a new leaf, let's go." You gritted through your teeth as the guy from the night before started walking toward you. "Ugh, damnit," you whispered putting on a fake grin. "Hey Ethan."

"Hey y/n, look about last night-"

"You had something come up. It's fine."

"Can I have a rain check? Maybe take you out for dinner tonight?" He asked looking at the guys that was with you.

"Ummm. I dont know my family just got into town and I haven't seen-"

"We dont mind. Besides I have plans with some friends and I think Dean might have a date." Sam said smiling at the guy standing in front of them.

"Yup y/n we dont mind. Were here all summer anyways, and we have that vacation too. We have plenty of time to catch up " Dean said standing up. "It was nice to meet you Nathan." Holding out his hand

"Ethan." Ethan said shacking his back.

"Whatever." Ethan walked back to his group of people.

"I hate you both right now." You said grabbing your bag and throwing it over your head before storming away.

~~~~

Ok guys that was chapter 3. I felt like the ending was a little dry. I have never felt so happy and excited though about something I wrote! Thank you so much for the likes, the rebloggs, and the follows. It's really giving me a reason to write, putting a flame under my ass really to make sure this continues.

Please share, like, and leave comments. It means so much to me and makes my heart swell. You guys have no idea! 💚💚💚

Tag List

@samsgirl93

#dean winchester #supernatural #spn imagine #dean winchester imagines #sam winchester #dean winchester x reader #reader x sam winchester #sam and dean #y/n x dean winchester #best friends

[sainadazai]

When your crush is angry all the time

Ch. 1

Something fun at an all girls school

Chapter 1

Something fun in an

✨all girls school✨

•○●○•°•○●○•°•○●○•°•○●○•°•○●○•°

"Alright, despite how much the staff have opposed the right for students to watch t.v. during school time....our principle believes that this is actually going to be informative. Now girls, students with all sorts of quirk and backgrounds can be accepted to U.A. I expect you all to respect the people on this t.v as your future colleagues. NO JOKES."

"Pst..wish she would just shut up so we can see the hot guys..." Maiyumi whispered to no one particular

"I know, I haven't seen a man since I got kidnapped last year."

"Most of us havent seen anyone since being kidnapped, or you know, FUCKING ARESTED!" Y/n whisper-yelled. She was still very pissed that even though, she was obviously kidnapped-and meant to be killed- the fucking police blamed her. Dad chalked it up to them being jealous, but y/n really wasn't having it. Imagine it's the third time you were kidnapped and tortured before the age of 16, and it was supposedly your fault. 

Technically, they could've arrested her for burning down the building two weeks later, obviously while empty, she admitted that was wrong. Still, they got what they deserved, and she got frozen yogurt from down the street. As she would say: now that's proper treatment after a kidnapping 😎

"L/n thats enough, we all know the story by now, and we do not need to hear it again"

"But you shoulda been there, the audacity of them to say I was working with those guys!?! Those villains were way below MY level. I mean c'mon, if I was a villain i'd be way cooler than those nobodies."

"Oh.my.god. y/n I love you, but shit up so we can watch hot U.A. boys fight each other!"

"Ms. Hitoka!Unacceptable, we are here to learn from our follow young heros, not sexualize them"

"I heard midnight is gonna be there," Katna whispered towards the group, front the back of the room. Mind you, she was in a position to pounce, considering, much like her classmates, she hadn't seen a boy in years. 

"MIDNIGHT IS SOOO HOT" y/n yelled, forgetting that their teacher was in the front cursing herself for not accepting that sugar-baby job, and never meeting these obnoxious and horny teens. 

"For FUCKS SAKE, JUST WATCH THE TV"

As the teacher yelled all heads turned to face her and ignore their previous conversations. Y/n and Maiyumi had grown soft smiles, finally welcoming back the teacher they know and love. 

You see, LADY STATIC was an ex-pro hero, her quirk was projection. She could pick up any video signals from any device and project exactly what the device was seeing, or playing. She called all cameras her bitch....several times. So, as far as teaching went, she could only last a couple of minutes of seriousness in the beginning of class each day, before she erupted in a fit of lewd comments, brags, and most importantly curse words.

The black screen of the tv suddenly turned on revealing the large stadium that must be where the festival would take place. Y/n didnt really want to watch, it made her kind of sad knowing there were kids out there with the energy to try at something so dumb. A competition where you stay within grade, with supervision, and limits, and rules, and no real risk. It all sounded boring to her. She would either want to sit in bed eating and watching anime, or actually feel something. 

The idea of a battle where you aren't risking your life seemed pretty dull to her. See...y/n along with her best friend maiyumi, was an adrenaline junkie. Those two were the biggest non-villain troublemakers the world has yet to see. 

Finding it fun to jump off bridges, run across intersections, and fight each other with no rules or precautions. After living a life where most people you meet want you dead, and most of your life has just been trauma, everything gets more and more boring. Until you don't even mind risking your life just to feel something. 

However, what y/n did feel, very frequently, was horny. She wouldn't lie and say that she has indulged in some things, despite there being only girls in her private hero academy. However, she craved men, simply because they were something she hadn't had yet. So in the nature of being royalty, if she hadn't had it, she wanted it.

"..booo"

"How could say that, you meant to be representing our school"

"Not my fault the rest of you are just stepping stones to my victory."

Y/n finally focused back on the screen, she was seeing a very up close image of a blonde boy with red eyes, this being the first man she saw since the police 5 months ago. Her eyes lit up, and sub-consciously her body started to glow different colors. Shifting as quickly as the Led lights in her dorm. 

"Mind your quirk princess" Saina, the class grump-who lowkey crushes on y/n- sneers. 

"Aww, sorry, thanks for reminding me daddy" Y/n responded, feigning innocence but still not breaking eye contact with the screen. 

She mentally focused on subsiding her quirk, but it took awhile for her to completely stop glowing. 

Once she was y/n watched the first parts of the festival, noting exactly what that blonde boy was doing. Not without checking out some of the other students. Obviously, but something about those red eyes had her enticed. So she made sure to focus on him. 

As she watched she learned that his quirk was fire, and he used it very differently than she did. She scribbled down a random note about it to make it seem like she was studying and trying to improve herself. Then, focused back on every intricate curve of his face instead. How he scowled, he really looked angry, but being one of those U.A. kids, she couldn't help but doubt he really had anything to be angry about. 

Soon the girl found herself imagining him in some sort of serious situation, what could make somebody so angry? 

And before she knew it, his fighting figure disappeared from the tv as an image of midnight replayed him, announcing that he had one his fight. The last fight wasn't it? Meaning that the rage boy must've won the whole thing. y/n really wasn't impressed, obviously he was only fighting other U.A. students. How hard could that be? However, she was excited that he won for some reason.

While y/n watched him she couldn't help but wish she was the one fight. Oh to be punched by that man.  Every kick he would throw sent goosebumps down her body. Plus when he used that quirk, shit was it hot. Pun intended. Fire seemed like such a simple quirk, but simple works best. That  last fight against Todoroki, that excited her. 

See, y/n liked adventures away from the school ground, and since she could fly..well. She knew Todoroki.  He was always considerate enough not to be weirded out by her when she would sneak into his house, her parents knew his dad well, so she pretty much only knew that one place.  He was logical and so he understood that she isn't really perverted, she simply hasn't seen boys in a very long time.  Todoroki figured if he hadn't seen a female in three years he might become more fond of them as well. 

"Now lets award the metals" 

She looked up at the screen to see a podium holding the winners and runner ups. Atop it was the boy, he was announced as Katsuki Bakugou. He was chained to the post and attacking the air, and y/n found this insanely hot. She assumed that since Todoroki hadn't given his all, that boom boom might be upsetting. However, she never expected to see this beautiful sight on the tv screen of her classroom. The sight was stuck in her mind for days. 

She thought about it during dance class. 

She thought about it during quirk training. 

She thought about it during lunch.

During "sleepovers"

During missions with her boss - gang orca

During meeting with the principle

Even during visit time with her parents. It was then she decided she had to do something about it. Now, even though most girls at her school looked down upon U.A. the parents and staff didn't. For the girls it was about how truly jealous they were that those students, even with lesser power, would get to become heros. While us here, would become noblewomen, or princesses or be married off into other famous quirk families.

Y/n only was jealous because her mother spent more time with U.A. students than with her and her brothers. Seeing her mother was midnight, yes, the pro-hero. While that sounds cool, it isn't. Her mother and father dated for 1 month before getting married on a whim. Her father being a prince was something mom always described as FUCKINZg SEGGSYYY. Yes, you could blame midnight for y/ns horny behaviors. 

Unfortunately for midnight, royal quirks don't mix with other quirks. None of her children have her quirk. Her daughter has Elementus total control, her middle son has Elementus manipulate, and youngest son has Elementus transform. So she is left with a 7 year old that can turn himself into water if he doesn't want to get in trouble....yeah. So that at home life was strange...

"Mom, dad, I wanna be hero"

"Bullshit, no you don't bahaha"

"I do, mom"

"Why"

"Dad, I wanna help people you know, like mom does. I wanna make the world better instead of just becoming a queen and sitting in a house all day." Y/n lied, she would love to sit around doing nothing while her rich, king husband did all the work. Then she could just eat and watch anime and be unbothered. However, in the moment, y/n forgot about her dream future. All she wanted in that moment was to see boom boom everyday. yuh, I said it..boom boom.

"Babe, she has a fair point...plus its not like chiyo can do anything with his quirk"

"What do you mean?! CHiyo's quirk is so cool dad, one time he took all the oxygen out of my bod and then I couldn't do anything, it was so cool!"

"see...."

"Yea,yea i see"

"My love, can't you just recommend her to U.A. so you can keep an eye on her. We both knew she was destined to be a hero at some point."

"Uhm. Babe. She only wants to go so she can see boys."

"What?!My princess would never, you heard it, she wants to help people. Our sons would never say such things, we should proud, love"

"Honey, she is lying."

"No, I'm not a mom, I could care less about boys. All the girls at this school can do the same things, if not better. "

"Y/N! I love you so much my precious horny little fuck"Her mother sprang up from her seat and embarrassed her. 

"I can't believe this is my life.." dad sighed. 

"But yeah, that proves your point honey, if she is gay then she must mean it. Yayyy. N/N is coming to school with meeee!!"

"I- yeah mom."

[the-sanders-sides]

inidan american (desi) logan

a sequel to this post because people asked for more and i decided that they shall receive (and also i love writing these)

fair warning, logans a bitter kid, and this isnt as positive and happy as romans post. ive experienced two different ways of being desi, one where i lived in fully asian and indian community and didnt even think id ever feel alone, and another where i moved to a place where i havent met another desi in like 7 years of living here in a 3 hour driving radius. in romans post i played into my first experience and how at home i felt. in the second experience, the one im in right now, i am much more bitter about who i am and not really knowing anyone who gets it anymore. so i play into that A LOT in this. so keep that in mind. (and he will get happier in a future part. m planning on making this into a series)

ok so first off. his name is logan sanders. people (mostly other indians) dont believe him when he tells them. he tells them they dont know indian history. they say they do. he tells them that the british fucked around (quite literally) in india for four centuries so of course english names would stick with that precise wording

sometimes when he’s annoyed enough and doesnt want to explain this for the millionth he defends himself with this russel peters skit (watch it, it’s hilarious) because it describes his family. to a T. 

he grew up in a community with not very many asians, and knew no indians outside his family so he felt a sort of disconnect to his culture

while his grandparents and parents would teach him about indian culture, he felt so distant from it since he knew no one outside his family who was indian, and since he didnt have any siblings or any nearby cousins to hang around with

he had visited india once but he was too young to remember it properly or too remember his cousins

the closest mandir was an hour away so that also limited the amount of indian kids/people he knew

he barely knew hindi because everyone in his family spoke english, especially in public

he felt guilty over the disconnect he felt and would always try to bridge it but would never accomplish this because it he kept losing passion since he rarely saw other people like him in the real world and in the media and he didnt see the point of trying

this all changed in eight grade when he moved next door to the Kumar family in a north indian street of some south asian blocks in an asian community

when his family first moved, the Kumar family invited the Sanders over to welcome them

it turns out the Kumar’s had a son who was the same age as logan

“hi logan! im rohan kumar! but i like going by roman instead of rohan!” 

this introduction pissed logan off 

he was seething because why would this kid who got to have an indian first AND last name change his name to an english one! why didnt he see the value of his name!

he knew right away that such a difference meant they could never be friends 

“im logan sanders, but thats all youll get to know about me because i see no use associating myself with someone as... well, ignorant, as you”

roman decides to whip out one of the swears his cousins taught him and whisper shouts “who are you calling ignorant, bhenchod?” 

 it became clear to him that this was new turf, and people on this new turf must be speaking hindi. and that he was the ignorant one if he couldnt talk in hindi. he made a vow to learn it as fast as he could to make sure this roman kid wasnt better than him

but, logan grits his teeth and says “you, and i know it must be true because you were too dumb to understand me the first time”

this evidently struck a sore spot in roman because he didnt fight back but just stalked away. logan smiled slightly, happy to have won that argument

logan asks his grandpa to teach him hindi and his grandpa gets super excited

they start lessons immediately and despite barely hearing it growing up, it’s as if his brain was made for this because he picks the language up amazingly fast and in a months time, while not able to speak back yet, he can understand most casual conversation

his first diwali in basically little india is the most magical thing ever

diwali at his old home was very quiet because there wasnt anyone around to celebrate with

everyone is so happy in this new home however. everyone is dressed up and all the houses are lit up and there are diyas everywhere and he doesnt want to admit it but the kumar’s have the best rangoli on the street and it’s because of roman and he knows roman did it because sometimes he’d stare out of his bedroom window while doing homework and have a perfect view of roman delicately working on it for two weeks

(the kumar’s front porch had been covered with tarp waiting for diwali to make sure romans precious rangoli wasnt stepped on or ruined. when it’s finally let up, everywhere where there could be art, there is. it’s insane how good at colors roman is, logan thinks)

diwali morning: 

he fights his parents because he doesnt want to miss school for diwali because americans dont have a day off for it. his parents set the clocks in the house ahead to make him think he overslept so he would skip school. (logan didnt know that his parents had submitted an excused absence form for religious reasons and that the school was very understanding. he thought it would be like his old school where he wouldnteven bother trying since he wasnt christain and the school was lkinda discriminatory)

they spend the morning in mandir and it’s nice. for once he doesnt feel different from his peers because he goes to mandir and not church or synagogue. he feels at home.

diwali afternoon:

the afternoon is spent with frantic cleaning and cooking and digging around for the diya’s that were still in boxes, packed away from when they moved

logan offered to find them all to continue with a diya science experiment he started two years prior. his theory was that the diya’s were multiplying and there were more each year despite no one buying anymore

this held true, because even though he could only find half of their diya collection, it was somehow more than the entire diya collection of two years prior. 

diwali evening:

theres a big potluck and everyone in the neighborhood is out talking to each other, looking at the decorations at everyones houses, eating samosas, and playing with sparklers. 

logan feels content

he makes a new resolve to learn more about hinduism. if this is what ti was supposed to be, then he never wanted to be away from hinduism. 

he looked at the metaphors and symbolism in everything and finally understood what his dad meant he told logan that hinduism is just science written in poetry and that string theory is written in the ancient texts

middle school in this new town is so much better than middle school in his old home. why?

a. doesnt get bullied for being a nerd

b. doesnt get called gay slurs 

c. the classes are harder 

d. much less racism

e. all of the above

soon enough, logans asking his grandpa to teach him how to cook Indian food

Logan spends the day burning dosas and making lopsided rotis

(eventually he gets the hang of it, and a he'll be cooking food for an infuriating Indian boy ;) ;) psst it's roman)

Speaking of boys

Coming out isn't an option for logan

He knows that his parents arent really religious enough to really look into hinduism and see that no, gays are not bad

But they are traditional and conservative enough to be homophobic

not homophobic as in spewing hate with the westboro baptist church at a pride parade

But homophobic as in "the gays are fine as long as they don't do it in front of me" kinda thing

So Logan stays quiet

the closet kinda sucks but i mean what can he do

it’s safer inside, and he as illogical as wishing is, he wishes that people would use their brains and realize there’s nothing wrong with gay

anyway

in school logan makes his first desi friend, who was dubbed as anxiety years ago and cant seem to get rid of the nickname and now has a whole complex about his name so logan doesnt know his name

logan and anxiety meet in the school library: logan studying and anxiety hiding

people dont like anxiety

especially non-indian kids

surprise surprise it’s an old buddy called racism, but anxiety’s story is for another time

(but even though no one really likes anxiety, whenever racist shit goes down, it has to go through roman)

so logan and anxiety become fast friends

and they make fun of roman (a+ bonding)

logan claims that roman is a hypocrite for changing his name to an english one while being so immersed in indian culture

anxiety doesnt dispute this, but says he has a past with roman

a past that involved getting stuck with the name anxiety

again, another story for another time

one day, when logan and anxiety are eating lunch they see roman destroy some homophobes who throw around the word f*g and keep calling caitlyn jenner, bruce jenner

logans chest surges

he’s all like “what?? emotions?? pride at roman?? is he better than me for being so open and standing up for what he believes in??”

gay panic basically

but logan masked it well and pushed it away

the next day roman comes to school with a pride patch on his jean jacket

logan feels like he cant breathe

logan is supremely jealous of roman.

he can be gay in peace

he can pretend not to be indian in a way that benefits him

and he’s not affected by stereotypes in the same way?? like what does this kid not have

and by stereotypes i mean

roman is the complete opposite of all indian and desi stereotypes: loud, flamboyant, theatrical

logan’s personality is exactly how the stereotypes are. he’s nerdy and likes science and math and it seems like he cant escape the stereotypes. they follow him. and he feels guilty that he likes science and math and is nerdy. 

as illogical as it is, he wishes he was different from how he is

but logan later learns that there are more than just his perspective on being desi and that every desi kid growing up faces challenges about it that are different than his, causing them to experience being desi differently

and logan will accept that, in another story at another time

for now, he’s just bitter. and as illogical as it is, he wishes the world was better

and now, i shall tag some people who asked to be tagged and some other desi’s who loved this because i feel like you guys might appreciate this too. also i love u. desi famders squad up.

@sssixeyedrunt @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2 @caterpiller-tea @xxxbladeangelxxx @snufflesthegrim227 @cloudchaser7 @thelowlysatsuma 

#logan sanders #logince #virgil sanders #roman sanders #desi #desi headcanons #sanders sides #mine #please love this #r #l #v

[the-writing-dump-bin]

Okay, so um, this is gonna have a couple parts. I don't have a title for this, but it is a Jotaro/Female Reader fic. This first part is SFW but it will get into N*SF*W in later chapters.

*UPDATE: Title is now called "Whirlpool"*

You were starting to lose hope.

Interview after interview and still no call backs.

You had put your resume out at almost anything since moving to the city. Having a few meetings, you thought the interviews were going well. Nope. It always ended with a handshake and a 'We'll call you if you get the job.'

But those calls never came. Your savings were dwindling fast.

Sitting in your apartment, you wondered if you should just take a job at a fast food restaurant in the meantime. Or better, maybe move back home where everything was familiar and comforting.

You had no friends here. Not yet anyways. You had been so wrapped up in finding a job that you didnt feel like going out to bars or clubs; the rejections making you depressed.

One Wednesday afternoon, you got a call from an unknown number.

Usually, you dont answer numbers you didnt know, but you picked it up anyway. "Hello?"

"Good afternoon, is this Y/N?"

The voice was so deep; definatly a male. It sent a chill down your spine. "Y-Yes..." You said cautiously.

"My name is Jotaro Kujo, I am a marine biologist. I saw your resume at one of the places I had visited recently. You are looking for work, yes?"

Your eyes darted around the living room. This was extremely unexpected. "H-How did you see my resume?"

"I had a meeting with one of the places you applied to. Your resume was sitting on top of a stack of papers, I ended up taking it."

"Isn't that wrong?"

"Probably. But I am looking for help and thought maybe to call you. Would you be interested in coming in for an interview?"

Your breath caught in your throat.

You had been on many interviews, but for some reason, this was different. This Jotaro guy swiped your resume from someone else desk and called you. He claimed to be a marine biologist, which intrigue you. You didn't have any background in that field but you knew enough to get by.

When you didn't say anything for a moment, Jotaro asked if you were still there.

Coming back to reality, you agreed to the interview. What else did you have to lose?

"Great. Are you available tomorrow at 4pm?"

"Yes."

Jotaro gave you the address to his office which was down at the local college. You guessed he taught a couple classes there. "See you then." He hung up.

Letting out a breath you didn't realize you were holding, you bounced with excitement.

"I need to find something to wear!"

---

You shook with nerves as you held onto the door handle. This was the place, since on the door his name was written.

Opening it slowly, you crept inside.

The room looked bare save for the large desk in the corner. There where a couple of bookshelves, but even they were empty. Are you sure this was the place? You looked at the door you came through again.

"You must be Y/N."

That deep voice again.

You turned your head to see a very tall, broad shouldered man in a black, long sleeved turtleneck. He also wore white pants; a white hat sitting atop his head. He came into the room from the other door that you noticed that was off on the side. That must be his real office.

"Y-Yes." You extended your hand in greeting. "Thank you for inquiring about me."

Jotaro seemed to hesitate for a moment before shaking your hand. Maybe he wasn't comfortable touching strangers.

His turquoise eyes looked at you, as if studying you what kind of person you could be. But that only made you blush, making you a little more nervous than you actually were. Finally, he shook your hand.

"Right this way."

He grunted, showing you to his office that was through the door he came.

*Wow*

You thought as you looked around the room. The walls were full of his accomplishments and pictures he had to have taken of sea creatures. The office seemed a little cramped as his large desk took up a lot of space. There was more room in the first room they were in, why choose this as a work space?

"Please, sit." Jotaro waved a hand to the empty chair opposite of him on the other side of his desk.

You did as instructed, taking in his features as you did. He couldn't have been any older than twenty-nine. Your eyes went back to the plaques on his walls. He's done so much at such a young age.

"Tell me about yourself."

Jotaro's voice brought your attention back to him.

"Oh, um. Well, I moved here from my hometown in hope of starting something new. I like to follow though and get my tasks done. I graduated top of my classes in high school and college. I'm very organized with projects, making sure that it exceeds to one's expectations."

Jotaro nodded his head a little and wrote on a piece of paper. He noticed you wringing your hands. "No need to be nervous."

Embarrassed, you tucked your hands under your legs. "I'm sorry. It's just, I've been on a lot of interviews and they all fell through."

Jotaro was silent for a few minutes, shuffling through some papers he had on his left until he found what he was looking for. Your resume.

"You don't have a lot of references here. But I see you took classes in zoology."

"Yeah, sorry about that. I've only really done side jobs while I was in college just to get by and save up for when I moved. I want to work with animals; I loved going to the zoo as a child and since then, I knew I wanted to work with them."

"So you know about marine life, too?"

You shrugged. "Enough to not sound dumb." You chuckled nervously.

Jotaro moved his hand over his mouth, hiding the smirk you had given him with your answer; he didn't want you too see his expression.

Composing himself, he rose from his chair, motioning for you to follow him.

Coming back to the first room, he stopped next to the empty desk.

"I'll give you a chance. This will be your space, you can do with it what you want."

Wait, what?

He just said he was giving you a chance? He was hiring you?

You looked at the desk. Seeing that you were the first thing people would see when they come in, you realized you were being hired as a secretary.

It wasn't something you were thrilled about. But you decided to take it anyways; Jotaro was the first person to offer you a job let alone hire you right on the spot. You accepted, gratefully.

"Thank you, Mr. Kujo! I promise I would do my best!"

"Good. I will see you tomorrow morning."

He shook your hand again and you parted ways.

Back at home, you cried tears of happiness. You finally found a job.

Though you had no idea how to be a secretary, you figured you could just wing it. It would be a learning experience, but just like everything else you've done, you would do your job with dedication.

---

"Good afternoon, Y/N! Is Professor Kujo in?"

You smiled at one of the other teachers that worked at the facility. "Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Westin, let me see if he's ready to see you." You buzzed Jotaro's phone. "Mr. Kujo, Mr. Westin is here to see you."

There was no answer, but Jotaro's door opened and he emerged, waving him to come in. Mr. Westin followed, shutting the door behind him. "Did you get that report from the lab back?"

Jotaro handed him a folder.

Mr. Westin nodded. "Great work, Jotaro. Are you ready for the field work coming up?"

"I will be." Jotaro grunted. "Y/N has set up hotel and anything else I needed."

"She's a helpful little angel, huh? Since she came around, your work has been flourishing."

Jotaro flicked his eyes toward the door. Just on the other side, you sat at your desk. His work load had gotten lighter in the last six months, thanks to you. He had been able to work and focus on what was important while you took care of the minor things.

Sometimes you had brought him lunch when you knew he was too wrapped up in his work to even stop to eat.

He was to be leaving in a couple days to do field research on ocean life on the coast of California for over two weeks. But something about you not being there nagged at him.

Remembering the other teacher was talking to him, he said, "Yeah. She's been a real big help."

Mr. Westin nodded and said his goodbye to you, leaving the office.

Looking up, you noticed Jotaro leaning against the door frame to his own office with his arms crossed. He was looking at you but not saying anything. That didn't surprise you, he was a quiet man. But his stare made you a little uneasy. "I-Is there something wrong, Mr. Kujo?"

The way you addressed him made his stomach do flips. It was an interesting feeling. One he hadn't felt before. "Did you make the preparations for my trip?"

"Yes, sir. Its all right here, I finished it this morning. Your flight leaves at 7 am Friday morning and your hotel is booked. Food is all taken care of and there was even some money left over if you wanted to do any shopping." You looked back at him. "Is there anything else you need me to do?"

Jotaro strode to your desk in just three steps; those long legs taking him anywhere in a flash.

"There is. Call and change the itineraries to two people."

"Two, sir?"

"You heard me. Call the airline and add another person. Call the hotel and add another room. Make sure everything accommodates for two."

"S-Sure. May I have the name of the second person so I can make sure they get everything they need?"

Jotaro turned back towards his office, saying your own name.

"Wait, what?" Your head shot up at him. "Me? You want me to go? What does a secretary like me have anything to do with this trip?"

Jotaro kept his door open as he sat back down behind his desk. You stood and followed him in. Before you could say anything, Jotaro spoke first.

"You have grown from the nervous girl that walked through here six months ago. During your interview, you said that you strive to get your tasks done and do it with dedication. I've seen that you've proved that."

You blushed. You never really got that kind of praise from your other bosses.

"You wanted to work with animals, correct?"

You nodded.

"Well, then, come with me on the trip. Learn more about marine life."

What an amazing offer! But you couldn't help but think he was really just bringing you along so you can do his minor tasks. "Thank you, Mr. Kujo, but again, why do you want to bring a secretary?"

He interlocked his fingers and brought his hands up to his face; his eyes staring at you intently. "The word 'secretary' for you leaves a bad taste in my mouth. From now on, you are my assistant. You will still have your duties as you've had, but I'm taking you on this trip to help you learn more about marine mammals."

You couldn't find the words. You were thankful for his kindness, truly. But you weren't sure about going. You started wringing your hands again.

"Yare Yare Daze." Jotaro muttered. "If you don't want to go, just say so."

"Huh? No, I mean. Um..." You decided to go for it. What harm could it do? You developed a decent friendship with your boss, and he was offering this paid trip to you. "I-I'll go."

Jotaro did his best to hide his excitement; keeping his expression neutral. "Then get to work on getting yourself on the itineraries and take the day off tomorrow to pack and get some rest. I will see you at the airport."

#jojos bizarre adventure #jojo no kimyō na bōken #jojo no kimyou na bouken #jojo #jotaro #jotaro kujo #jotaro x reader #fic #fan fic #my fic #my writing #writing

[scaryscarecrows]

Roots and Leaves, Pt. 6

DC did it first. Take your grievances to them.

Jason and Sheila e-mail back and forth for about a week before she says that she has Thursday off so if he has Thursday off does he want to meet for lunch again?

Last time wasn’t bad. Not a lot of staring or people or anything. He can…he can probably do it again. And it’s a few days away still, so he has time to psyche himself up or, worst case scenario, fake his death and move to Canada.

And it’s been a week and she hasn’t pulled out the Pity Card on him yet and maybe…maybe this’ll all work out okay. She might never be Mom, because Catherine’s always gonna be Mom, but…but she could be Mother, maybe. He can see that in the distant (or not-so-distant?) future.

But he’s not going to rush into things, that’s what got him here in the first place. Patience, grasshopper.

Thursday rolls around and he hasn’t faked his death and moved to Canada, so he has no choice but to put on jeans and a hoodie and resign himself to a couple of hours, easy, of no sunglasses and no e-book shield.

Sorry, any small children who might come out of this traumatized.

Okay. He brings his Kindle anyway, and his sunglasses for the journey, and sticks to his normal Civilian Weaponry-couple’a knives, one pair of brass knuckles tucked into a hidden pocket in his hoodie. Last thing he needs is for someone to pick up a bullet, match it to the Red Hood’s, and come knocking on his door. His luck is bad enough that’s exactly what would happen.

Besides, it’s noon on a Thursday, and even in Gotham that’s a slow hour. Bank robbers gotta eat, too.

The monorail ride there is literal Hell (three fighting couples, two crying kids and old man with no personal spaaaaace!) and he’s literally gasping for air when he stumbles out of the car. He likes people. Honest. If he legitimately hated them all, he wouldn’t risk his life to help them. But interacting with them…he could do without that, mostly.

Whatever. Whatever. It’s over, he lived, he’s had worse.

(And no, he doesn’t hear faint cackling in his head, and that’s final.)

It’s windy today, the type of wind that buffets people every which way and is determined to keep his hood off his head. He fidgets with the drawstrings until it’ll stay and buries his hands in his pockets. Wind sucks. He can feel pollen and dust and Gotham Grime being blown onto his skin.

“Jason!”

Is he there already?

Sheila…looks a lot more haggard than she did before. He tries to remember if she’d mentioned being horribly busy, doesn’t think she did, and figures that to be fair, he hasn’t mentioned the bruise that goes halfway up his back.

She smiles, her awkward driver’s license smile, and waves. Yeah, she doesn’t…it must’ve been a long week, or maybe a rough drive or something. She looks tired.

“Hi.” He’s not sure what to call her, still. Miss Haywood is too disconnected, Sheila’s too personal, and it’s way, way too soon for Mother. Names are a pain. “I’m not late, am I?” He knows he’s not. “Monorail was packed.”

“So was the subway. Can I…?”

Her arms are half-out and he figures she’s asking for a hug. He can do a hug, as long as it’s a short hug.

“Yeah. Thanks for the warning.”

Holy crap, she feels frail. But to be fair, barring Dick’s tackle-hug, everyone’s felt frail since…since. So it could just be him. Hugs are weird now.

(“HUG YOUR DADDY!”)

No. Not today. Everything’s fine.

It’s a sort-of short hug, short enough, anyway, and he wonders, abstractedly, if a day will ever come that he’s used to that sort of thing again. If it even matters whether he does or doesn’t.

It does. Of course it does. And the day will come, in time, and he’ll be better, be normal, be what people want him to be.

Little steps.

* * *

They’ve fallen into a companionable silence and for once Jason’s not jumping whenever someone walks by in a purple sweater or anything when Sheila forces her lips out from between her teeth and says, “I know you were Robin.”

Well. That’s, uh, there’s that out of the way.

“Yeah.” There’s clearly no point in denying it. She probably put it together when Batman came knocking. “For a little while, yeah. I was.” He tastes blood, wonders how long he’s been doing that, and wishes he had gum. Or a mint. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right off, I just…old habits die hard, I guess.”

“Oh God, no, no, I didn’t mean-” She takes a drink. Her hands are shaking, she’s shaking and he doesn’t know what’s wrong. “I just. I thought I should probably make it clear that I did know, so you wouldn’t…I know I was absent, but I don’t want…you shouldn’t feel like you have to hide things from me.”

Oh. That’s. He doesn’t know what to say. Bruce, God knows, has the emotional capabilities of a Himalayan Salt Lamp. Thankfully Jason hadn’t been the type to go through crushes every two weeks, or he probably would have been in Hell. He certainly wouldn’t have…it’s not like he would have shut down the conversation, but sharing and caring? That would have been awkward and best not repeated. Alfred was the go-to for that sorta thing.

All right, then. Since they’re dropping sudden bombshells ‘n all…he has to know.

“You worked for Joker.” There. It’s out. He said it.

And now he kinda regrets it-the self-loathing on her face is a pretty good match for his own, and he can’t tell himself it’s anything less than deep, deep wishing to have made better choices.

“I did.” She straightens up, begins tearing apart a piece of bread on her plate. “Briefly. I’m not proud, but he had a line to my mother, knew where she lived, knew her schedule…knew.” She swallows hard. “Knew she had to rubber-band her jam jars because she couldn’t open them otherwise. I panicked. But it was only for a couple of months-pills, he wanted pills, as much as I could get him. And then he just…went away. I don’t know what he did with them.”

Honestly, after everything, he can’t…he doesn’t have the right to say much. And honestly? There was that one guy, who accidentally cut the fucker off in traffic and couldn’t get away from him.

And look at him. The first man he killed, that wasn’t…oh, sure, he probably had it coming, at least a little, but Jason wasn’t thinking about that or considering it like he does now, he just…he wanted to kill Bruce. Because that was right and reason at the time even though he knows it’s insanity now.

No, he can’t say much.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly, and it’s suddenly easier to look at his hands. “I didn’t…that sounds awful.”

“No.” She tips his chin up and it’s an effort not to pull away and to remember that it’s fingers, warm human fingers, and not the pointy end of a crowbar against his skin. “You deserved to know. It’s only fair.”

Truth be told, it’s a relief to know that she hadn’t…yeah, technically she could’ve…maybe done something different, but she hadn’t wanted to work for him. She wasn’t like the ones he’d christened Dumb and Dumber that…they enjoyed that kinda work.

Lunch is finished in relative silence after that, though, and he’s wondering what’s going to happen now when she rifles through her purse and swears.

“Damn…I meant to grab an old photo album I wanted to show you, with some old family pictures and things.”

Pictures of Willis? Yeah, he’s good. Pictures of other people might be interesting, though.

“Next time?”

“My apartment’s a few blocks over.”

Something feels off. He’s paranoid, he knows he’s paranoid, but something…she’s been shaky and weird all afternoon and he doesn’t…

Calm the fuck down, you freak out when someone window-shops for too long!

“Is everything…is everything okay?”

Or maybe something is wrong-she pulls a napkin over and there’s suddenly a pen in her hand.

“I really do want you to see these pictures, Jason,” she says, but her hand is moving and there’s the ever-so-faint skrit-skrit of pen on paper. “I swear you got my mother’s eyes.”

The napkin slides over to him and he glances down. Her handwriting’s spikey and awful-doctor writing to the bone-but his is no better and he can read it well enough.

An old colleague has been hanging around the hospital lately.

Oh.

That explains a bit.

“Sure.”

Her shoulders drop and she crumples the napkin, nails picking it into shreds.

“I’m sorry to do this to you,” she says softly, nearly too soft for him to hear, and he’s quick to shake his head.

“No, no, I don’t mind, I’m glad you…if there’s anything I can do to…”

Shit, she looks like she’s going to start crying and that is indeed PANIC in his throat. Tears are not good.

“You’re a good boy.” Her voice is watery but there are no tears to be seen. Thank Jesus. “I promise next time we have lunch it’ll be normal.”

Oh, good, things haven’t plummeted down to fiery Hell because of all the revelations flying around.

“Everything’s gonna be fine,” he says, and whoops that’s his ‘all will be well, citizen, never fear!’ voice. But it must work, because the about-to-cry look disappears. “Um. Do you wanna…it looks like it’s gonna rain, should we get going?”

And so they do.

* * *

The wind has picked up and it smells like rain. He’s not looking forward to patrol later.

The wind’s not so bad, though, to stop Sheila from lighting up with a self-depreciating, “I know I’m a doctor and should know better, but I honestly don’t care.”

“I can’t really say anything.” He holds up his own pack and rattles it before pulling one out. It’s not as calming as it usually is and he doesn’t know why.

Eh. It’s been a long day, that’s all. He’s not used to interacting with people on a personal level anymore, which is his own fault and probably not necessarily a good thing.

The first few drops have started to fall when they arrive at her building-big, square, and simplistic. She fishes out her keys while they’re in the elevator (which smells like new car, for some reason).

The hallway is deserted. It’s a little creepy, to be honest-his own building might be crap, but there’s always activity. And then, of course, there was Arkham’s hallways, or what he could hear of them. Noisy. Always noisy. But this? Wayne Manor was silent like this. It unsettled him then and it unsettles him now. Call him a city boy, whatever, but he needs noise.

The brass knuckles and knives in his jacket are warm and comforting and he knows he’s not gonna need ‘em, but they make up for this creepy-ass silence.

Sheila opens the door and motions him inside. It’s dark inside-blackout curtains, probably-but he can hear the rain. It smells like new car in here, too, and he wonders, off-handedly, why-

-it’s not empty. He’s walked into one too many ‘empty’ buildings to be very, very attuned to the sound of somebody breathing. Okay. Be calm, back out and shut the door.

He’s about to do exactly that when the light switch clicks and bathes the whole place in stark white. White walls, white floors, white furniture.

Which only makes Harley Quinn stick out like a sore thumb in all that red and black.

“BAY-BEE!” She could never hope to match Joker’s grin, but she gives it a good go, stretching her makeup. Okay. Change of plans. Get Sheila out of here (and preferably out of the building), deal with Quinn. “It’s been a whiiiiile!”

He takes in the mallet leaning against the couch and the shotgun (are those fuzzy dice? Really?) in her hands and comes to the conclusion that great, she’s riding the crazy train.

But maybe she hasn’t seen Sheila yet. Where’s that goddamn light switch?

He moves, only a little, only to feel the unmistakable press of a gun against his lower back.

“Don’t. Move.”

And the world drops out from under him.

No. No, no, no, she said she quit, it was over, she said they’d let her go, she said-

The door shuts. He twists so he can still see Quinn in his peripheral. Sheila’s face is a blank mask-no tears, no joy, no nothing. Just quiet determination and he doesn’t understand, she said…

“Mom?” The word feels thick and wrong in his mouth, but maybe…maybe she’s brainwashed or hypnotized or something, maybe she doesn’t…isn’t…

“Sorry, kid.” The words are harsh but her tone isn’t. Quinn giggles in the background but she sounds so far away and Sheila’s still pressing a gun against him. “It was you or me, and, well…it had to be you.”

What?

“Aww, come to mama, baby!” Quinn giggles again before straightening up and scowling. “Now.”

His feet drag him forward, sneakers scuffing against the white carpet an’ Heaven’s s’posed ta be white, innit, so why does this feel like Hell and what’s going on she said she said-

For once horrible, desperate second, he wants Bruce. Bruce wouldn’t…yeah, he’d thought, at first, that he’d left him but he knows that he didn’t, he really didn’t, he just…

Bruce wouldn’t have pulled a gun on him, he wouldn’t and God, if he’d just fucking talked to him-

“I did what you wanted, Quinn.” Sheila’s voice is so, so flat and is this all she wanted from the beginning? Is it? “Now call your man.”

Quinn doesn’t even look at her. She’s looking at Jason like she always did-like she’s torn between wanting to rip his head off and wanting to wrap him in a blanket and keep him.

This is his own goddamn fault, he just thought…just once, just once-

“Quinn!” Desperation now, and the gun wobbles against his hoodie as she steps out from behind him. “I did what you said! Call your man!”

Okay. Okay.

He forces himself to take a few deep breaths that taste like that last cigarette outside and says, voice as steady as he can make it, “Let her go, Harley. Leave her alone, I’ll. I’ll do what you want, just. Just let her go.”

“Aww, look at you!” Her pigtails sway and he finds himself oddly hypnotized by the movement. “I knew ya had to be Robin for a reason.”

Yeah. Yeah, he was Robin and that’s all he’ll ever be, the one that fucked up.

“Please, Harley.”

“Nyeh…” She adjusts her grip on the gun, finger dancing near the trigger, and looks down at her knuckles. “Eeny, meanie, miny, moe, catch a Batman by the toe. If he hollers, let ‘im go, eeny…meanie…miny…moe!”

He sees it before she does it, but there’s no time-he’s moved maybe half a centimeter before the gun goes off-

-and Sheila.

Falls.

His ears are ringing. They’re ringing and everything’s so white except her, all blonde and blue and so fucking red because Harley didn’t miss and if he’d been quicker, he should have been-

“Aww, don’t be sad!” Harley’s not alone, of course she’s not. He should have known from the start stupidstupidstupid. “Doncha know what happens to people who know too much?”

Her eyes are open. They’re open and they’re looking at him like this is his fault and it is if he hadn’t…

S’like Joker said, once.

“Good boys know how to lay down and DIE.”

“Mistah J had a spot for ya, baby.” Huh? “But you up an’ left us before it was time! So since it’s his birthday-” The fucker has no birthday he just appeared one day too evil for Hell. “-I thought I’d get my puddin’ somethin’-” She winks. “Real nice.”

And they’re on him.

Harley’s goons are dumb, but they’re also big and they manage to drag him down for a minute before he gets a knife out of his sleeve and drives it into the nearest jaw.

“Andre!” Yeah, Andre ain’t comin’ back from that any time soon. “I thought we taught you manners!”

He reclaims his knife and scrambles back up and okay okay maybe he can get outta this-

WHAM!

Lights out.

#Jason Todd #Sheila Haywood #Harley Quinn #you knew this was coming #oh Jason I'm so sorry honey #one day you can have nice things #but not today #Roots and Leaves

[strawberryspeachy]

Also im sick of obnoxious japanese eaters

Things ive found out are myths here

1) everyones nice.

No. Everyone smiles hard to cover up whatever assholery theyre doing - if theyre supposed to be nice to you. Public people are the same as usual... except theres alot more shoving

2) everything about school

They don’t pay for school. Its free. Just like ours. Except private school. Just like ours

They are not MORE overworked in school nor do they study more. Their rules are much loser. And just like the states, teachers have no real authority- but unlike the states - the students do not fear repercussions. They can be touched though but thats more because japanese people think its fine to touch each other a lot - ya know. Just dont hug as an adult - but all other invading of some kind of private bubble is fine

3) SLURPING No thats not just a “it shows you love the food!” Bs. Just like the states, the people you hear disgustingly slurping just eat loud and are gross... imo... people here dont seem to think its gross but far more people eat like civilized humans and dont slurp everything from solids to actual liquids.

K like every time the past two days ive had to be near people slurping their fucking food and as a person who HATES hearing people eat... its why im bitching here. LETTUCE DOES NOT NEED SLURPED

4) just anything they call “culture” they used a pretty word to cover for “thats just the dumb thing we do here” its literally like if we said aggressively speed driving and cutting people off is new yorkers culture

Japan has a lot of history and traditions. But mostly they have a lot of bs that theyre just too stubborn to acknowledge and change so they lable it culture. Any changes they make are pretty much like when my great grandmother got a cell phone.

She only turned it on to charge it and make a phone call - leave a voicemail saying that she called - and then would turn it back off. It wasnt ever even on long enough for her to need to charge it.

But in her mind no one could complain that she didnt have one. And the only emergency in her mind was her needing to call you - not vice versa. She wouldnt use it for any other purpose and generally resented its existence. She hated watching anyone else use their cell phones to check the time or take pictures or play games or have lenthy conversations.

Yea. Thats basiclly japan with everything new. They have it. But they dont use it , and its possibilities scare them so the old ppl say its not allowed to be used unless the old people need to use it

Sorry man i hate everywhere i am. My aparment is next to a bar that looks permanently closed during the day. I had no clue it was there till after i moved in and the loud karaoke blared into my window every damn night

My train line is a nightmare and if you wanna see the worst japanese people can be. Ride the train during rush hours

My post office is far away and they refuse to ring my doorbell when i have a delivery and instead just leave slip - if you dont hike over in their made up time period they throw your stuff away

No one will actually help you with serious stuff. They just smile and say sorry and run away — customer service. Yea. Not customer service. They could just as easily be a manican with a smiley face - itd serve the same purpose.

Theres too much paperwork constantly all the time about everything

Nothing is online

Another thing that prompted me for this “this is japanese chocolate”

Cool. I got that its japanese. Im in japan. Everything people point out for me “its japanese____” fucking imagine if we felt the need to point out every damn item as “american” in the states. Why? What is the meaning of this?

They gave me a table to sit at at this school. A table. That they make lunch on and put all their supplies on. A dude just kicked my chair as he came over for some shit. Why am i sitting at a table? Very very few japanese people ive worked with dont make me feel like an adopted pet dog that theyre not sure if itll bite. Dog. Not new person. They literlly have the children fetch me...

And ive grown so so very tired of being asked questions with the intention of having me overhype japan while maintaining that im so stupid that i know absolutely nothing about the country

98% of japanese people assume that you think of japan like youve never even heard of their country before arriving and that you just arrived two days ago

Also. Maybe they think their test scores and clases are so much more difficult because they cant seem to fathom that most other countries schools function the same way as theirs

Yesterday a teacher said “ah theyre so overworked. They have alot to remember” i thought she was about to tell me how many units were on their exam or something... no “english, japanese, science, math, history, pe, food class, art! Too many things. Theyre very overworked”

..... are you for real? Im pretty sure every fucking school has those subjects if you switch out japanese for the countries native language.... this is NORMAL

Im sorry. I know the reason anyone talking to me like this might not like me. Cause im not gonna go WOWWW SUGEII?!?!? So much stuff!! Poor them!

No. Yeah? Thats school...

Look im not an asshole to my kids. If they can manage to tell me any information about their life in english or simple japanese i can translate - i act surprised/ or am if their english is super good.

But adults... no man. Learn some stuff about the outside world. Youre not specifical

Also dating boys here is just like back home except they wont block you and they respond less

Instead of getting “nice” “oh” “idk” and “maybe” as there fading messages - they just leave you on read. Or give you some random information that you didnt ask about that has no relevance to the ‘convo’

Also also. “Speak slow” they dont say this in a ‘my english is not good so speak slower’ way. They say this in a ‘i felt really good about my english until you spoke at a normal pace and my classes and ass-kissing white dudes have taught me that enlgish is spoken slow and percisely so if you dont speak with a japanese accent, your fast english is wrong’

Whatever but like... could you return the favor by speaking japanese slowly. Speak it the way you want me to speak english....

Telling them to speak slow results in something like

... nihon..de〜 nan mabdnshsnabsjsnjsbshssnbsjsbsjshsh ka?

Woah ok... something in Japan... couldnt catch the rest of that

Id be more understanding of this. Its hard to speak slow. Lets both acknowledge this and not - teachers compalining to principals and boys... (1) sending me a fucking video on how to speak my own damn language properly

Also. Do you know how upsetting it is to listen to a student say something perfectly but before i get to praise them - have the japanese teacher jump in and “correct” them...... no no dude please. I know youll have a fucking meltdown if i say no your ways wrong. But now this student is so confused desperately staring at me positive theyre correct and all ive come up with to do is smiling and nodding at them while repeating the way they said hoping the japanese teacher wont notice/get offended

Also togo food... if its not american fast food... generally you cant take it to go... its sad. I have no friends. I just wanna take this home to eat in front of my tv. This isnt serious. Its just a minior inconvenience

Also joking... my japanese isnt good enough to joke. And... idk how... cant explain. The other day a student asked whats my favorite food

And another went hamburger?!? Mcdonalds!!?

I wanted to comment.. but. At least elementary students understand sarcasm. Their teachers dont. And whether the middle schoolers understand and just dont care is up in the air.

Oh! And. I was right last week when i didnt trust my teachers saying that the obvious bullying was just a misunderstanding and the obvious targets fault. Another straight up teacher said some kids have left the school because of bullying and theyre really awful when left alone in the rooms... i told him thats why we cant go unsupervised in america. Japan says the students are just perfect upstanding citizens, so much more caring and mature than other students. Nope. Middle schoolers will be middle schoolers no matter what country.

[maybeprecocious]

day six

yesterday was dumb

i also, on top of my dumbass behaviour

shoplifted for the first time

bluetooth headphones on clearance $7.something

i had the money

i dont know why i did it

they arent even that good

but at least i dont have to worry about the chords breaking

because all of my headphones, have been breaking

i say im rule abiding

“when she was at f****** she tried to get expelled by not wearing her blazer to and from school, my little stickler.”

i find myself saying something to the same effect often

but i think, maybe, thats my mum

and i, enjoy breaking rules

or, i spent so long complying that im enjoying not complying right now

but, im not really enjoying it

but i keep doing it anyway

i dont have much of a guilty conscience

and every time i do something im not allowed to

my anxiety dissipates

i really, can, do what i want

if i get caught, i dont care

so i’ll do drugs

drive without a supervisor

shoplift

whatever else i decide to

because who. fucking. cares.

i dont care about the consequences

the not caring scares me

WHY DO NURSES ALWAYS LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN

IT WAS SHUT WHEN YOU CAME TO CHECK

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANT IT OPEN NOW

the kitchen now knows i’m vegan

lunch - pumpkin soup

i ate it because i felt bad for being that vegan pain in the ass

dinner - something. i have no clue but there was RICE

i ate it because the same nurse that threatened to keep my chords if i didnt eat on day one, accused me of not eating lunch, or at all while being here

“i asked them, they said you havent”

“i promise i ate lunch”

“eat now”

so i did

she walked past a few times, i was only eating so she could put it on my notes that it happened

i made eye contact

i thought she saw

but she didnt.

later she came to my room

“you didnt eat dinner. you arent eating or drinking.”

“I ATE DINNER JUST LIKE I ATE LUNCH I PROMISE YOU SAW ME”

“i didnt see you. why are you lying to me?”

“i’m not lying, the reason i havent left my room is because im freaking out. i ate lunch, and dinner, and i ate last night, its too much and i hate myself”

i start tearing up.

“you havent been throwing up have you? its bad for your teeth.”

“no, i havent. but i’ll be honest, i tried and i couldn’t. i havent done it in weeks but i needed to today. but i didnt.”

“good.... why are you lying about eating.”

“I PROMISE YOU I ATE. IM REALLY FUCKING MAD ABOUT IT BECUAUSE I ONLY ATE SO YOU WOULD SEE I WAS AND WRITE IT DOWN BUT YOU DIDNT EVEN SEE AND YOU DONT BELIEVE ME. IM TRYING.”

i start welling up again.

“maybe you should be admitted to an eating disorder ward”

“i mean, its not that bad, its not good but... im managing, like, i know, i know what to do and... i dont actually have an eating disorder”

“dont throw up. its bad for your teeth.”

i didnt tell her about the laxatives i stashed in the lining of my bag while i was out

that i took five of after dinner

its not really laxative abuse, its only one more than the recommended dose

no unescorted leave, my nurse this morning asked about visitors. but i dont get visitors

while the girl in the room next door has her mum and other family here literally, all the time

and literally everyone elses parents or friends, visit, often

apart from the girl who lives in another state, which, duh.

someone complained about their mum not coming in for one day

��shes such a bitch like, we dont even live that far away its not like she couldnt come”

she comes literally, every. single. day.

should i be more bitter about my lack of visitors?

im not, but im bitter about others not appreciating that they have people, that visit, that care

i dont think i would even know how to have a visitor

i have had visitors about as many times as you could count on one hand

i dont particularly enjoy it

i also dont enjoy when i ask someone to come, and they tell me they cant

its better not to ask at all

^^ that is where im at

i think im still a bit torn

but im still going to do it

and its going to work

the only thing stopping me is, if it doesnt

i cant deal with that again

someone i know is in the ICU right now, after driving his car in to a pole, on purpose

and im an asshole because im wondering why he didnt drive it in to a wall, or off a bridge. the pole gave him more chance of survival. i’m glad hes alive, but, if i were him i wouldnt want to be.

maybe i dont want to die, and thats why im here

or maybe i do want to die, and thats why im here

i cant allow myself the things i want

hospital just feels like purgatory

i need to either leave and live

or leave and die

leave and die seems to be where ive landed

so being here is making me feel restless

suicidality feels so trivial

and dumb

so i dont like to talk about it

dont talk, just act

but these thoughts are huge burden to carry

i think i am not myself

not that i have ever been myself

but im definitely a different something that is not of sound mind

and i dont like that

because i want to be of sound mind

im not allowed to be crazy

but i am not well

someone who is well does not, well,

me.

i think im unwell because my hair is long again

last time i was here my hair was this length (but i wasnt this unwell)

its definitely that

i let my ex cut it all off

i hate having short hair

im keeping it long

even if long hair causes mental illness

(i know it doesnt but, i’m reaching.)

i finished the coraline graphic novel, i have started and never finished it countless times

i wanted to know how it ended today

i know how the movie ends

but maybe this would be different.

different version of events

similar ending

this page, was oddly, yup

i was social for an hour tonight,

one of the girls (big top energy) lost her phone

i offered to call it (i dont have her number)

then, i froze

thats how i got my ex’s number

she lost her phone around that exact couch

i called her phone

she then had my number.

(this time, someone else actually had her number so they did it)

big top energy girl is not for me though

but, the situation was, odd

and i think i understand transferrence a little more now

talking to people, just makes me realise how out of sorts i am

i only socialise when i think i am more ok

and i then realise im not

my speech is all over the place

sometimes i cant talk

i dont understand half the things people say to me

people dont understand half the things i say to them

i blank, a lot

i zone out a lot

i say odd things

i dont process

i cant participate

its exhausting

on repeat (not sure why. just, a good song?)

wordsearch count - 8 (ive given up on the wordsearches. i found one that i wanted to do but it had the name of someone ~not great~ in it so i dont want to touch the pile. but what happened was fine right? obviously ive processed that well. obviously it hasnt affected me.

#where my mind is (not) #gho-lish #vent #writing #tw #tw suicide #cw

[steamishot]

End of July

i think i’ll be starting my period sometime in the next 24 hours. my friend who i am synced with just started hers this morning. tomorrow, i am using a sick day to go to to dentist. my dentist is in san gabriel- a 20 minute drive east of my home. in the past, i would only take a half day, but then i thought, why am i stressing and rushing myself to go to work when i have all these sick hours. even more so when there’s not much pending at work. so, i plan on going to the dentist in the morning, having lunch in the area, then coming home and painting my living room and kitchen. my dad asked one of his home depot contacts to come work for us lol. i’ll be taping and painting along with him tomorrow so the job gets done faster. just came back from home depot earlier and bought two gallons of shiny luster paint- the same shade and sheen as my room. i also bought a darker grey to paint the borders for contrast. hopefully it looks good. a few weeks ago, our gallon full of coins got topped off. my mom would sit and individually package the coins into the sleeves banks provide whenever we wanted to exchange the coins for cash- this would take her nearly half a day. not sure why we never used coinstar before, but we finally did it. i learned that its an 11% fee if you exchange the coins for cash, but there is no fee when you exchange for a gift card. so, with one gallon full of coins, we got about $350 total- i put about half on a home depot gift card, and half on an amazon gift card. it was funny/so coincidental today that our total came out to be exactly 2 dollars less of our home depot gift card (my dad also had things to buy and we weren’t computing the costs).

events this past weekend: friend’s going away party. she received a scholarship from fullbright- which is a prestigious academic award to represent the US in international affairs. i didn’t realize how honorable it was til today and previously saw it as another “teach english abroad” opportunity. we ate at roe seafood in long beach. i thought the food was pretty bomb- i’d give it a 7/10. however, the more i ate of my scallop porcini pasta- the more water i had to drink. taste wise it was definitely there, but the cheese/carb combo was so damn heavy. i liked the group and it felt easy/natural to socialize (also because i was sitting in between my good friends b and s). in my last blog, i was venting about b, but i realize in the grand scheme of things- the little things i get annoyed by don’t matter. she continued to do the things i got ticked off by over text, but instead of getting irritated, i tried to teach myself to be loving and forgiving and think- she’s not me, i’m not her, don’t think that what i think is the “right” way of doing things is actually right. we had a nice time together that night. good vibes throughout. 

watched lion king with my mom, grandma, bro and wife. i went into the movie having low expectations due to what everyone else was saying, but i enjoyed it. the fact that we got to live through seeing the cartoon version in 1994 to seeing it full in CGI in 2019 is incredible. i love the storyline of lion king. the scene where mufasa dies always gets me. i had to hold back tears during the emotional parts of the movie lol. 

matt’s free time is decreasing and decreasing. he now has to work 6 days a week. he’s at work before i wake up, and still at work after i’m off work. on a GOOD day, he’ll only be at the hospital for about 13 hours, on a bad day, maybe 16 :(. he also has to study outside of work as they have monthly exams. saturday was his one day off during the week and it was kinda sad lol. he has one day to catch up on sleep and he’s too tired to do anything else. he tells me that he doesn’t have time to drink water at work, let alone use the restroom. his lunch consists of downing a soylent. his hospital is severely understaffed and he is doing nurses’ duties (drawing blood, patient care taking). he normally calls me right after he gets off work. i get to talk to him for about an hour or so, while he’s prepping dinner and eating. he then goes shower and gets ready to sleep and i get to see him again for a few minutes before he sleeps. i feel lucky that i’m the one he wants to talk to and see every day. i hope i brighten up his day, as he keeps saying he’s “dying” lol. when he didn’t match into a residency program, he was depressed. now that he’s in residency, it’s also depressing (but at least there is an end in sight). apparently the second and third year residents are super jaded and negative. i wouldn’t be surprised if he became like that in a year lol. on saturday, he called me right before i was going to shower. so i told him that i’ll call him back afterwards. as i got out of the shower, i saw a message from him saying - take your time, i’m gonna go shower too. so i took my time and started getting ready for the going away dinner. he called me 10-15 later and was like “you didn’t call me back!” there was something so satisfying about him being needy and clingy LOL. he’s naturally an independent cerebral person so i love it when he is needy. 

saturday night at like 1am, i got a random text from L asking me about relationship stuff. coincidentally, i couldn’t sleep cus your girl would have been dead asleep by 11 any other day. i’m happy that she felt comfortable enough to reach out to me and share her feelings. i learned that we both are perfectionistic, have unrealistically high expectations, and are quite sensitive. she cares a lot about how others/her friends perceive her relationship. she shared with me an instance where her bf came off a bit rude to her in front of her friends and she felt “very disappointed” in him. if i place myself in her shoes, i can understand why she felt hurt. and if its an reoccurring thing, then i’m sure the pain is stronger. however, being “very disappointed” in your partner for being human is stressful for both you and them because you set unrealistic standards for the relationship. she wasn’t able to let it go and gave the incident more attention than it needed. from hearing her story, i basically saw my problems in someone else. it makes me realize how silly and crazy i am sometimes in making mountains out of molehills. i used to think that it was good to have high standards for your partner, and i often felt disappointed by my last partner. i think it reflected more on myself than him- my needs weren’t being met, i wasn’t happy in the relationship, i stayed with an incompatible partner, etc. having “high” standards is only valuable if the standards are attainable and something that can be worked towards. 

i feel very happy with my current partner. being away from him for almost two months now has allowed me time to reflect on us and myself. i’m way more forgiving with the distance, and considerate about his new schedule and circumstance. in my last relationship, i started seeing the flaws around 8/9 month mark. and if i was smart and experienced enough, i would have realized those were dealbreakers (because in the end, i broke up with him for the same reasons). coming up on 9 months with matt, i feel secure and that our issues are small issues. we’re able to get along and have similar values and ideals. 

his words can sometimes come off harsh but i’ve gotten used to it and actually really appreciate him being honest and constructive with me. a week or so before he left, i was hanging out in his room. i forgot what we were talking about before but he said, “you would be much much prettier if you worked out. not that you don’t look good now, but you would look better if you worked out.” i was a little bothered by that at first, but realized he is 100% correct. i never paid attention to my body much before- but skinny fat is not a good look or feel. my bikini pics in hawaii were meh lol i was flabby, weak and out of shape. i started working out recently with dumbbells and find it so fun- more efficient work out than without any equipment. working out also helps my face maintain its shape. i realized in the past months my face started looking more bloated and fat. i’ve even received comments from two of my older friends - “you got fatter. but just in your face.” i was never mindful of how my diet and exercise routine affected how i looked. which is really dumb as a human lol. i kinda wish i was more athletic when i was younger because i’m almost just starting from scratch now. however, i am grateful that i was at least somewhat active (hiking here and there, walking, leisurely workouts) in the last few years. so, he helped me gain weight to be at a normal range (this is the heaviest i’ve been my whole life). now it’s my job to tone myself. i’ve been saying this for some time, but i’m getting more cognizant about fitness which will help the consistency. 

throughout our time together, he’s only lost his patience/raised his voice a little twice during arguments. the last time he did actually helped so much in putting me in my place. he is very smart and makes pretty good arguments sometimes haha. the last time, it made me realize that it’s better to nourish my relationship rather than bring drama into it. since then, i’ve thought twice about bringing up small issues that i can learn to let go. i love that he pushes and inspires me to be better and to be hardworking. and i’m glad i’m pretty receptive to his ideas. 

i read old conversations with my past partner today. it was super cringy. i come off as cold, inquisitive, and serious and he comes off as immature, emotional and uninterested in my thoughts. even reading through our messages now i felt the frustration i felt when i was talking to him then. i felt i was always trying to change him into the person i wanted him to become. i saw the potential but i didnt see the person he was. to me, he was gross, trashy and had many insecurities. the more separated i am from it, the more i am disgusted with myself for choosing that lol. however, i am grateful for what he taught me, which was what attracted me to him in the first place- how to be intimate emotionally and physically, how to talk about feelings, how to communicate, how to talk about more difficult subjects, how to bring up issues, how to understand what i’m feeling, etc. 

[lonelylittletransgirl]

3:40am - 04/05/2020

14 weeks since i’ve talked to the boy, almost 15; i guess technically only two weeks if we’re talking about me being stupid and messaging him, but 14 weeks since he’s spoken to me, and i’m finally ready to talk about it.

when i met him he was magical, i fell for him instantly, it’d only been a few months after i finally got upset enough with Lisa to leave the remains of that friendship behind, and i was feeling a little down with how little social success i was having with the start of college. I remember standing around in the lecture hall before a test, his class was before mine, and i followed a group of people i wanted to be friends with in. he and i both stood awkwardly among our friend groups, this wasnt our first time meeting, but putting our awkwardness aside, it was the first time we spoke, and the start of his era in my life.

the semester rolled forward, and my mental health spiraled, i was facing a daily struggle of do i put gas in my car or do i eat, can i afford that snack while editing at 4am or was i just to go hungry until lunch as not to disrupt my precarious eating schedule. i was stressed about how low my grades where, how tired i always was working an abusive job that paid well below industry standard on the nights i wasn't up fixing group project issues at 4am in the learning commons, sleeping in my car didnt help, but it gave me an extra hour between late nights and early mornings saved off my commute, ontop of saving gas, it wasn’t that bad but was certainly not helping. my mother was driving me insane, like she always does, and i was willing to do anything to keep out of the house, i just... lost control of my life, and completely stopped caring, and this is where he really stepped in. skip a class because im too numb to focus, he’s by my side in the learning commons, someone to talk to, send memes to, keep me entertained, i couldn't go home, my mother would notice im not in class, but i just couldn't drag myself into the classroom every day.

jump forward into the summer... or really... middle spring, probably late may... early june... our mutual friend xander needed some furniture for his new room, the boy and i kept promising to see eachother over the summer, i finally invite him to come to ikea with xander and me, so... we all went together, and after dropping xander off i go back to boys house with him for the first time, and this leads us into the start of the summer.

we see each other often, always initiated by me, but never unwelcomed by him, the exact timeline is all a blur now, but i remember canada day, going to his grandparents house with him, his whole family was lovely, they where so much more functional and kinder than my own, i had an anxiety attack at some point during the day but only the boy and his brother knew, that day really stands out to me because it had been the first time in years id felt accepted by everyone around me, i was able to be myself, i was with people i enjoyed, i had no stresses and it felt euphoric. I remember that night distinctly for entirely different reasons though, it started off well, the boy and i went to milton to see the fireworks from outside the old highschool, a place my dad used to take me and my brother when he was still in our lives, i got a sunburn on my back despite using sunscreen, clearly not enough, and i remember the boy laughing at me because it was a really bad burn in the shape of the bralette i wore in place of a swim top, it was all fun, until the drive home. driving him back to his house something felt wrong, i dont know what, but i remember bursting into tears, this wasnt the first time i cried around him, and certainly wasnt the last, but it really stands out as a night that changed a lot about how he felt towards my emotions. going back to the first time i cried around him, we went on a bike ride on the trails around his house, i borrowed his moms bike and he rode his, at some point he started biking really fast away from me until he reached a house, a house i learned later was the house of someone who hurt him years ago, i... dont exactly recall how i felt about it, but we biked back to the school nearly beside his house, the sky dark at this point, and he went off sitting alone in the field. something about.. him biking away from me, not telling me anything, then leaving his bike on the fence and running into the field away from me, it felt for the first time i can completely recall, like he was starting to push me away, i remember walking up to him in the field, i was already holding back tears at this point and he could tell, he asked what was wrong and i completely collapsed into tears over how i felt. i recall rambling on about my dad, my mothers ex, my mother herself, and my history with abandonment, isolation, and how him leaving me like that made me feel; i remember him holding me, keeping my hair out of my face, stroking it gently while pushing it away, softly telling me its all okay, he apologized, explained everything, and after my eyes where clear enough to walk past his mom not looking like id just bawled my eyes out, combined with the incoming thunderstorm approaching over us as we laid in the grass up at the starts, we headed back to his house.back at his house was rather uneventful, i remember laying beside him in his bed, we watched some youtube, shortly after getting back to his house i left fearing the incoming storm, roughly... around midnight if i had to guess, keeping in mind this is before i was allowed to stay over past his midnight curfew.

moving along through the summer we come to another important night, it was similar to the bike ride night, a humid summer evening, this night i remember fewer details about, but we where laying in his bed, being idiots, i recall him showing me how to act more feminine for a man, sitting on his lap, wrapping myself around him, it was all in play, nothing serious, but i did really like him, and he knew it. at some point the play turned into me laying on his bed, arms at my side, he’s hovering over me in a playfully dominant way, we joke about being ontop of one another with both of us being so submissive, we never take it seriously, but something was different; he looked in my eyes and there was a glimmer to his, “what do you want?” he asked, i told him he already knows, after playing dumb a little more, he starts softly kissing my neck... it was a strange feeling, not unwelcome, but not rough enough for me, he was very gentle, pausing to make sure i was okay, asking for consent often, finally, he looks into my eyes, and says once more “what?” while giggling, i just stare back up at him, after a few seconds he says “i know what you want” and leans in to kiss me, then again, and before i knew it we where making out, and kept it going for a few minutes... until his mother knocked on the door telling us it was past his curfew. and thats the story of my first kiss, and the first time the boy kissed me, i... felt euphoric again, i remember feeling on top of the fucking world for days following, i was so happy, and so in love, and was now completely enamored with this boy.

there where more fun filled summer days, we never kissed again after that, but there was still occasional cuddling, by my request, lots of hugs, and i was still babe and he was still the boy i loved. i guess the first time i really started to feel envious was during pride, we went as a group, myself, the boy, our mutual friend chris, and some other friends from their group discord. the day started out great, it was my first pride and there was so many people, so much excitement, it was all happening and starting out fun. partway pretty early through the day one of the boys ex’s met up with us though, and really stole all of his attention from me, i tried to hide that i was upset, the rest of his friends left to go home leaving just me the boy and his ex, but eventually it became too much, i decided to go home alone, so they dropped me off at the subway station, and turned around, walking away without even saying goodbye. the second i was through the doors to the subway i burst into tears, i felt like an idiot crying most of the train ride home, the drive home, i felt like shit that whole night, and it really hurt to see the boy i loved with someone else. i put that day behind us though, and enjoyed the rest of the summer with him.

Fall arrived, he went back to school, my depressed spiral into mental illness landed me on academic suspension, meaning a year of no school, so i did not. we where separated much of that time, we would see each other maybe bi-weekly, we grew distant, not by choice, i really wanted to see him all the time, and he accommodated whenever he could.

at some point, i dont remember when, but we had a fight, he got mad at me for acting like his girlfriend, he reinforced that we aren't dating, we aren't a couple, he made sure i knew he was gay, and only liked men, and i dont remember the outcome of that fight, but his mom found out, and told him to bring me back. his mom was such a dear, she loved her family, baked every week, cooked meals for them all constantly, always took me into consideration and always offered me something, she would even go out of her way to accommodate my pickiness, and always found something that worked despite the boy being vegetarian and me being picky. she took the boy and i to the mall, boy always joked with me that my bras where too childish, and i did only have three, so his mom took the opportunity to teach me about bras, and the wonders of them, and all the things id need to know after starting hormone therapy. after that he was pretty accepting of my presence, we where very active in the discord, talking for hours a day, it kept me entertained at work and him in class, along with all the friends in it, and the next major turning point was the introduction of rowan.

its now 4:47am, to be continued later

[unicornninjabitch]

Me to my therapist: No I’ve been doing really well :)

Me to strangers on the internet who dont give a fuck: Yo guess who’s having a depressive episode?! It’s me bitches

Here’s a secret, I’m a shitty person. I’ve hurt people that no amount of apologies could help. I wish I could’ve ended somethings on better terms than I did and I wish I could erase myself from some people’s lives cause all I did was fuck them over. I know this and I like to think if given the opportunity I could give them the apology they deserve cause, believe it or not, I’m a fucking disaster. I don’t want to sound like an Edgelord™, but I really am a fucking mess. I could blame the childhood I had or my own issues and you know those might be part of it, but I also know I’m basically always smashing my self-destruct button. I know I run from good things cause for so long my life motto was “Leave before you’re left” cause everyone left. My dad, uncles, aunts, cousins, best friends, my mom, exes, everyone left me behind at some point. For years I refused to call anyone my best friend because they all disappeared. Hell one of them left cause I didn’t have feelings for him and I blamed my fucking self. I told myself for months “If you just pretended you could’ve liked him” like that would be fair to either of us. For fucks sake even my middle school relationships I ended when they were good because I was terrified I’d get hurt. The only relationship I didn’t fucking run from was the one where I got cheated on like 3 times cause I was a dumbass freshman who thought some boy really changed for me. For gods sake I still get put on edge when people say nice things about me cause for so long nice things always came with a but or some kinda favor that needed to get done. I don't even ask my family to help me with a bunch of things cause that meant I owed them and owing people was a place I didn’t ever want to be (especially financially)

I think what it comes down to might be I’m scared to let myself be happy cause being happy was always followed by something terrible following it like if I stay alone and depressed then I can’t ever be let down. I know that’s a terrible way to approach life and it’s not healthy and I wish I could say I’m working on it, but I don’t know how to take that out of me. I think I’ve always been that way though, well at least a good portion of my life. I thought being abandoned was normal, but then I had friends and they would talk about their families. Their families were fucking great, they had their parents and the biggest complaint was their curfew or how they always had to sit down together to eat and a HUGE part of me kinda hated them. They had no idea what I would have gave for that, for a happy family, a normal family that were there for each other and consistent, for parents who didn’t start screaming the second they made eye contact. Here they were with the nerve to complain and I know I didn’t know everything about their home lives but it didn’t stop me from being angry or sad or deflecting every question about my family. And this shit all went down before my depression really started up can you believe that?! Like at least 2 years before and it just got fucking worse. I got sadder and angrier as the years went on cause my parents fought more (and i swore a divorce wouldve helped this but nope) and they still complained about curfews and sleepovers and dinners and what was baby Alex up to? Baby Alex was trying to keep a broken house from completely shattering and working and playing the messenger and being the middle man and parenting and being too grown up for a fucking 12 year old, so I stayed away from everyone and I delt with everything by taking it on myself. It wasn’t good, I’d hit myself and skip meals thinking if I got skinny I’d be pretty and refusing to sleep and cutting up my wrist and I probably did other dumb shit too.

Man and 8th grade was just the start of my eating issues, actually maybe it was 4th, but whatever. Okay so the 4th grade parts more one kid called me fat so I swore off breakfast and to this day I can’t eat till I’ve been awake for at least 2 hours. Then 8th grade there were days I’d only eat chips for lunch, but 9th grade was by far the worst. Okay 9th grade picture this you’ve been called fat since basically 4th grade and a lot of your 8th grade year your dad keeps saying “Oh you should eat better. You need to be more active” shit like that and you keep going on “family diets” plus the everyday self hate of being a teenager and society's beauty standards you cant meet. One day in the beginning of 9th grade I was really hating my body so I decided I’d go on a diet, so of course I downloaded an app and stared at pictures of skinny people with hip bones poking out and thigh gaps. However this app wasn’t worried about exercise or healthy food, but instead just calorie intake (see the problem already?) I thought if I keep the calorie intake below what the app says I lose more weight and faster. My daily eating schedule was a 90 calorie gatorade, half of a pb&j, half a carton of chocolate milk, and the smallest portion of dinner I could get (sometime with lunch I’d eat exctly 6 fries), but I mostly drank diet green tea and ice water. Each week I gave myself one “cheat day” where I ate whatever the fuck I wanted, but even then I tried to limit myself. I got called anorexic a lot at lunch because of how carefully I cut my food and pushed the remainder away from me. It was mostly kids joking and I mostly laughed it off or flipped them off cause I didn’t care they were joking. Until one day a friend offered me half his gatorade, so I took it drank some and put into the app how much I drank to which he said “Holy shit you really count your calories?” so I shrugged him off just like so what it’s not like I’m doing anything dangerous. Now mind you somedays my calorie intake was down to like 500 and the average for me at that time was like 1000 maybe (i dont remember its been a long time but it wasnt healthy). What stopped this you ask? Well I was talking to my mom one day and I was proud cause I lost like 15 pounds and a friends mom noticed (she asked if I was sick) and I noticed and I was just really proud, but my mom just said I was like obsessed, which looking back I was but at that time I was so pissed cause I didnt think I was. Then I stopped for a little, but it started up once I noticed I was gaining weight back. Then my mom had a miscarriage and got really depressed so she stayed with her boyfriend at the time who lived like 6 hours away. Food became like a huge thing, I ate a lot of junk food everyday cause I felt guilty. At that time me and my mom were butting heads a lot for whatever reasons and I was in the room with her when she learned the baby’s heartbeat stopped. I of course told her I was okay and didnt cry cause I wanted to be strong for her since she wa a mess, but I was like totally numb inside and totally blamed myself. (Now I logically know it wasnt my fault but I still feel like it was somehow if that makes sense?) Now my moms gone for the first time in my life, I’m with my dad who at this point I still can’t stand, my brothers are fighting a lot, I’m still distancing myself from friends, I’m dating a total douchebag, and it was just a lot for me, so I just constantly comfort ate cause I didn’t know how to talk about these issues to anyone.

Now back track to me saying I’m s hitty person, I was dating this guy and I loved him, I really dd, but I was scared. My last relationship was awful and bad and no one deserves that kind of relationship, but nonetheless I start dating this guy and it wasn’t healthy, I dont think. We were on and off for a while,I picked fights cause I was always told fightings normal in relationships, but we didn’t ever fight and I thought relationship fights were screaming and crying and slamming doors and shit like that cause that’s all I knew. Eventually we were together straight for about 6 months (I think all together it was about 9 months) and they were good for the most part, we may have moved too fast and planned forever too soon, but we were happy and didn’t care cause we loved each other. Then we broke up for good and I regretted it for a long time and we still talked convinced we could be friends after swearing we’d get married and other shit, but it didn’t work that way, so after about a year of us talking to each other scared to let go and move on and shit we finally said what we’re doing isnt good and we have to go separate ways. I was still miserable for awhile cause a part of me still loved him and maybe a part of me always will, but we unfollowed each other on everything and I think for myself I blocked him to make sure I didn’t do anything dumb.

After I like healed or whatever I dated this girl, she was fucking awesome, cute as hell, funny, just great and we were together not long but I had strong feelngs for her, but the Gender Crisis™ came and I didn’t know how to tell her what was going on so I told her I had some shit to figure out and we broke up and I immediately blocked her everywhere cause I didn’t want to hurt her like I did with that guy,and maybe it was dumb to do it that way, but I didn’t know how else to do it.

The moral of this is I’m awful, I do this shit at least once every summer, and idk how to talk about my issues in any other way than to word vomit to strangers on the internet.

#personal #tw self hate #tw self harm #tw eating disorder #(not really but to be safe) #i talk about my issues with relationships #to both humans and food #someday youll know my whole backstory