#this turned into another rant but whatever i am mentally ill and i do be doing things mentally ill | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

alittleimagine · 3 years

Text

just a favor pt. 1

derek hale x reader

prologue

Derek looked tense. You understood why- it wasn’t every day a person brought a fake significant other for a holiday dinner with their parents- but, it simply wouldn’t do.

You had this. You were going to be the best fake girlfriend the Hales had ever seen. Hell, if Derek’s purported terrible taste in women was true then you were likely to be the best girlfriend they’d ever seen fake or otherwise.

Now you just had to make Derek believe it.

You jotted down ‘basketball fans’ in your notebook and tapped the pen to your lips. “We should probably discuss any pet names.” You said. Your natural inclination was to watch him until his ears turned pink again, but he already looked ready to lose it at any moment and that was the opposite of your goal this time around. Instead, you kept your eyes on your paper, even if you watched him from the periphery.

When you’d met with him days ago to start getting details together it was obvious he had no idea what he was doing. That was fine, you had plenty of experience with fanfiction and Hallmark movies.

From the corner of your eye you could see Derek glance your way. He didn’t look alarmed, per se, but he was far from relaxed.

“Pet names?”

“Yeah. You know- honey, babe, snookums?” There was no way in hell you would ever seriously call Derek snookums, but if calling him things like Sugar Butt or Honey Bunches made his ears turn that pretty shade of pink you would have some fun with it. “If we’re going to use any kind of nickname we want to get in the habit so it sounds normal and not weird.”

You angled yourself toward him, dropping the pretense of reading the same five lines on your notebook.

He furrowed his brow, looking deep in thought. “I don’t know. Jennifer hated pet names.”

Jennifer. Hated enough that even sweet Kira had ranted and raved for weeks after she dumped Derek. If this was going to work, you thought, he could not talk about her.

“Okay. New rule number one. If you want your family to believe you are over your heinous ex, it’s best not to mention her.” You said. “As far as you’re concerned any mention of Jennifer should prompt a ‘Jennifer who?’ in your mind. New girlfriends don’t like the mention of old girlfriends.”

He winced. “You’re right.”

“Also, screw whatever Jennifer liked or didn’t like. I’m asking

Derek Hale, what you’re comfortable with.”

For a moment he said nothing, then nodded resolutely. There was the slightest loosening of his shoulders and you smiled to yourself.

“You can call me whatever. Except snookums.” He added in a rush.

You snorted.

“I don’t know what I’ll call you though. It might just be Y/N.”

“That’s fine. Go with whatever feels normal. I’m probably going to call you babe. Or Derek. Or D- you can blame Stiles for that one. Who knows.” You shrugged. Without thinking about it, you wrote ‘babe’ onto a separate line of the notebook.

“Are you really taking notes?” The car slowed as you pulled up to a light and Derek took the opportunity to look over at the little blue and gold journal you’d been fiddling with for most of the car ride.

“Not quite,” you said, unsure how to properly explain it, “I’m never going to review the notes or study them. But, jotting things down just helps me organize my thoughts and remember things. We’re planning a classic fake dating holiday shenanigan here- you want me on my A-game.”

“I can’t believe you even agreed to this.” He muttered as he started driving again.

Malia and Kira had not been surprised at all when you’d told them. Kira had spit out her apple cider when you barged into the coffee shop you’d planned to meet them at and declared that you were now dating Malia’s cousin (Kira never failed to give you a good reaction), but after hearing the rest there had only been knowing nods.

When you’d moved to Beacon Hills Derek had been almost a year into the ill-fated relationship with Jennifer. You’d been introduced to both of them at the same time by Stiles and Jennifer had seemed like a perfectly friendly person, but the face Stiles made when they turned their backs had been plenty indication that she was not the most well-loved.

You never spent any time with Jennifer directly. As you began to fold more and more into the close circle of friends you noted that she never went to movie night and she never joined the girls for sushi. Lydia had insisted that they’d tried to be nice and include her in the beginning, but that hadn’t lasted long.

“There was pretty much zero chance I would turn this down.”

The truth was Derek was a babe and so much your type it was almost painful, but you’d always assumed he didn’t like you very much. When he’d asked you to fake date him you’d figured either he didn’t dislike you as much as you’d thought or he was really desperate. Either way, you couldn’t say no.

“Because you’re a little crazy?”

You flicked his arm with your pen. “Never mind, rule number one is don’t ever call your girlfriend crazy. Don’t call any woman crazy just to be safe.” You said.

“Noted.” He looked like he was trying not to smile and that was reassuring. “But, really, why would you say yes to a Thanksgiving pretending you’re my girlfriend in front of mostly strangers?”

You shrugged. “How often does an opportunity like that come up?” He didn’t need to know that you wanted to become friends and that it wasn’t hard to pretend to be head over heels for him. “Besides, you looked really desperate. Who was your next option? Stiles in a dress?”

The image flashed in your head the moment you said it.

“I should have said no. That would have been hilarious.”

“If you’d said no I would have had to fake some terrible accident.”

You snorted. “And they say I’m dramatic.” You tapped your pen to the paper and wracked your brain for anything you might have missed. “Okay, let’s walk through it.” You said as you turned in the car seat to face him.

“Kira and Malia will arrive tomorrow morning, and they are prepared with our basic story. Which is as simple as possible. The more detail you give unprompted, the easier it is to spot a lie. I got to town, thought you were way hot,” Derek flushed and you added another mark to your mental tally, “but you were with Jennifer. You guys broke up, you got over it, we were hanging out with everyone else, you realized I am also way hot, we got together. Simple.”

Derek, blush slowly fading, nodded again. “And if they ask for details we tell them about running into each other a couple of times on our own. At the pizza place first. Then the coffee shop the next time. And talked.” He said it like he was still trying to memorize every detail.

“I kissed you first. And tada, we’ve been together since then.”

You’d kept it all simple and common on purpose. No one questioned such an every-day story. Both of Derek’s sisters had been to Beacon Hills to visit him since you’d moved to town so there were restrictions to keep in mind as well.

A thought struck you. “Hey, pull over into the next gas station.”

Derek glanced at you quickly. “You need something?” He asked, already flicking the turn signal on.

“Park to the side.” You said, then waited until he’d pulled all the way into a parking spot to unbuckle your seatbelt. You looked at him very seriously.

The crease in his brow deepened. “Is everything okay?” Hesitantly he turned his body to face you.

“We need to kiss.”

“What?” Forget his ears and neck, you were sure Derek was red to the tips of his toes. He gaped at you and looked around the car once as though some invisible passenger had more information.

“Relax. Breathe.” You had discussed physical contact days ago. He knew to expect casual touching from you and cheek kisses were a given. He knew that there was a chance you’d have to kiss-kiss because, as you’d said, ‘assuming we won’t is a surefire way to have a kiss demanded’. “I’m not talking making out, heavy tongue action, getting steamy in the 7-11 parking lot.”

He ran a hand over his face.

“But, chances are the occasion for us to kiss will come up. I don’t know about you but I don’t typically make out in front of my mom, but kissing on the lips seems pretty standard.” When he nodded you went on. “So we should probably not have the first time we kiss be at that awkward moment. No one will believe us if we can’t even find each other’s lips.”

Derek leaned his head back against the seat and took a deep breath. “You’re right.” He said.

“I know. I usually am.”

He rolled his eyes but it seemed like the casual arrogance was doing something to relax him. He sat up straight and turned to you again. “Let’s do this then.”

You adjusted in the seat, folding a leg under you and leaning forward. You expected Derek to be hesitant like he’d been about every other step of the way, but he seemed resolute when he reached forward to wrap his hand around the base of your skull and pull you in.

The kiss was chaste- nothing but a warm press of his lips to yours, but the heat of his hand against your neck was extremely distracting.

You pulled back first, schooling your expression into something you hoped read amused and not like you wanted to give that another shot.

Derek quickly sat back into his seat. His face gave nothing away, but you thought you could see pink crawling up his neck.

The place where his hand had been only a moment ago now felt cold. Unconsciously your hand moved to cover the spot while you leaned back in your seat and buckled up. “There.” You said. Your voice was steady and casual. “Now that that’s done, we can keep going.”

Derek cleared his throat and glanced your way before he buckled his seatbelt and pulled out of the parking spot.

There was a tension in the car that you hadn’t felt before the practice kiss. It could not be allowed to continue.

You reached down to pick your notebook back up. You clicked the pen open and tapped it against your bottom lip. “So, let’s be honest, which of your sisters is going to want to embarass you most?”

Derek groaned.

#derek hale x reader #derek hale imagine #derek hale #teen wolf #teen wolf imagines #derek hale x you

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inosukki · 4 years

Text

jealous, various characters.

synopsis: how your boyfriend would react to his teammates seeing you in a bikini!

includes: bokuto koutarou, kuroo tetsurou, and semi eita.

bokuto koutarou

two words: emo mode😃

when bokuto invited you to the beach with his teammates, you were hesitant to accept

the only person you knew somewhat personally was akaashi, since you three would hangout all the time

plus, you were basically the polar opposite of bokuto, which meant that you didn’t immediately warm up to people

but he practically begged you to go and how could you say no to that cute face🥺

currently, you were sprawled out on the towel you brought for yourself and bokuto, clad in jean shorts and a t-shirt

you were sweating buckets so you decided to undress, you had a bikini underneath your clothes anyways

and the guys were playing beach volleyball, so it’s not like anyone was gonna notice... right?

well after you’d taken off your top and began to pull your shorts down your thighs, you could hear the entire team making their way over to you (as you all had set up your belongings in the same area)

quickly, you slipped off your shorts and sat criss cross on the towel

“[Y/NNNNN]!” a loud, whining voice called out

without giving you anytime to process, bokuto threw himself on top of you, causing you to fall over

“i’m thirstyyyy” he cried, pressing his face into your neck

your eyes widened at the display of affection, gently pushing him away

“idiot... you’re lucky i brought you a drink.” you teased, handing him the bottle of pocari sweat from your purse

“AHHAHHAHA LOOK!!! MY GIRLFRIEND BROUGHT ME A DRINK! YOU GUYS DON’T HAVE GIRLFRIENDS THAT BRING YOU DRINKS!”

just smile politely y’all. we’re witnessing mental illness❤️

you looked at him like🤨🤨 wondering wtf possessed him to even say that

as he sipped happily on the sports drink, hand snakes around your waist and ranting to akaashi about something you couldn’t quite catch, you observed the rest of his team sitting on their towels and gulping down their own drinks

“aaah, i forgot to bring my water and i don’t have any money...” your ears perked up at the sound of the person’s voice

you scanned the area, eyes falling upon wataru, who was empty handed. you felt bad

should i give him a drink?, you thought, mulling the idea over

it was hot and he had just played beach volleyball (which was much more tiring than regular volleyball) in the scorching sun...

it was as if your feet were moving on their own as you grabbed the bottled drink and moved away from bokuto’s grasp, not stopping until you reached your kouhai

“wataru-kun?” you mumbled quietly

his eyes trailed your exposed skin until reaching yours

you didn’t notice how the tips of his ears began to blush, or how his entire face was red

probably because yours was too... not because of him, but because that’s what happened when you talked to anyone who wasn’t in your immediate circle

you also didn’t notice how he was no longer looking into your eyes, but an area just below them

“eh... i heard you say that you forgot to bring a drink and i had an extra so... here you go!”

you extended your arm, waiting for him to accept it

you waited... and waited... and waited...

“wataru-kun?” you questioned, lowering your hand. god, did you just embarrass yourself?

it wasn’t until another first year (anahori, was it?) slapped the back of his head that he responded

“ah-thank you, [l/n]-senpai!” he blurted, grabbing the drink from your hand

you smiled, happily walking back to your seat

wait, where was bokuto?

you scanned the area to find bokuto a few feet away from his original spot, curled into himself and staring at the ocean

oh god, he was in his emo mode

“eh... akaashi? what happened to bokuto?” you whispered as to not alarm your boyfriend who could probably still here you

“wataru was staring at your chest and he got upset.” he replied in a monotonous tone

“AKAASHI!” you screeched, punching him in the shoulder. “why do you say things so bluntly? i’m going to go see if he’s ok.”

still embarrassed, you unconsciously crossed your arms

as you approached bokuto, you could practically feel the gloomy aura surrounding his form

“bokuto? are you alright?”

“i am a failure.”

HUH😀

“what? what do you mean?”

he turned to look at you, incredibly small and fully white eyes staring into your own

“another man was looking at my girlfriend inappropriately and i did nothing to stop it... i am a failure... you should breakup with me now.”

AHDJSJFKF WHAT KIND OF LOGIC???

“man...? wataru-kun is a first year, bokuto. he’s 15. a child. and i’m sure he didn’t mean to offend me, i didn’t even notice. if he had given me any trouble i could have handled it myself.”

your words fell on deaf ears as bokuto day in silence, resembling the 😞 emoji

you reached your hands to cup his face, but he turned around dramatically

“don’t look at me, this is the face of a loser!”

ok now you were a little annoyed

you forcefully grabbed his face and turned it towards your own with such ferocity that bokuto thought he’d gotten whiplash

“BOKUTO, you’re my boyfriend. my handsome, talented, amazing, boyfriend. you’re one of the top five aces in the country. wataru-kun doesn’t even compare to someone like you. he’s just a boy, go out there and show him what a man is! how scary and powerful his captain is!”

in a flash, the dark and gloomy aura dissapeared and was replaced by bokuto’s usually energetic and friendly air

“HEY HEY HEY, YOU’RE RIGHT. I AM THE BEST! I’M GONNA GO KICK HIS ASS IN YOUR HONOR!”

“bokuto that’s not what i meant—no!—BOKUTO!”

kuroo tetsurou

idk how to write for him lol😹👍

but i’ll try

so background😼 you’re like the unofficial manager of nekoma

you bring everyone protein bars and sports drinks and stay after practice to help pick up stray balls and do other ~managery~ stuff

EVERYONE LOVES YOU

lev calls you mom (he’s secretly your favorite)

yaku listens to you when you tell him to go easy on lev

taketora worships the ground you walk on (simp🙄🙄)

you call kenma your son but he glares at you when you do😹 (😿) big sad

(idk the other characters LOL)

everyone practically begs kuroo to invite you (which he was going to do anyway bc mf loves you duh)

so when he does your just like... um ofc u utter fool

lev had already told you about it when you were helping him practice his spikes so if kuroo didn’t invite you you would have shown up unannounced

but ngl you were lowkey feeling used bc after you accepted he told you that he’d gonna need the keys to your parents’ van bc it was the only car that could fit all of you in it

whatever you’re just happy to be there😋

you sat up in the front while kuroo drove, drumming your fingers against his thigh

“hey kuroo are we there yet”

“[y/n]... just look up what’s the point of asking”

when you guys arrived you and lev ZOOMED towards the beach to see who could make it there first

he won sadly :/

everyone else joined you so you guys began setting up

they were laying their towels on the sand, dropping their bags, and taking off their shirts

kenma kept his shirt on and was just on his switch the entire time

well everyone else was changing so you should too right🤩

you took off you swimsuit cover up and tossed it aside

and just when you did you heard the sound of squelching and a weight fall onto the floor

“TORA?? TORA ARE YOU OK”

tora’s nose was bleeding and he was twitching on the floor

AND NO ONE WAS ACKNOWLEDGING IT... LIKE IS HE OK

when you bent down to check on him his eyes widened, refusing to make eye contact

they were making contact with something else❤️

but he immediately corrected himself and closed his eyes

he might be a simp but he’s not a perv

you looked towards kuroo who was a few feet behind you expecting him to be mad or protective or whatever

but mf was laughing

LAUGHING

“oh god, that’s so pathetic! imagine fainting at the sight of boobs” he was dry heaving, hands on his knees as he doubled over

he didn’t give af🖕🖕 f u kuroo

semi eita

ion know how to write for this mf either

with semi, he hadn’t thought of inviting you to the beach with his teammates

he’d assumed it was team bonding/extra practice after their loss at the hands of karasuno

when in reality it was actually just a day off to have fun and forget about volleyball even if it was just for a few hours

tendou, your best friend, was the one to invite you

“come on, [y/n]! it’ll be fun! you don’t even have to go in the ocean if you don’t want to.”

you rolled your eyes, scoffing at the suggestion

“of course i’m going in the ocean, idiot. i’m not just going to watch you all have fun.”

his mischievous red eyes lit up

“perfect! i’ll pick you up from your dorm on saturday at two. make sure your ready.”

and that was that

tendou had picked you up as promised and the two of you made your way to the beach together

the sun was relentlessly beating down on you two, so by the time you had reached your destination, you were already sweating

“ugh,” you whined in displeasure. “my skin’s already starting to feel hot. i’m just going to change here, ‘kay?”

“good idea” he responded, taking off his shirt

you stripped down to your bikini and stuffed your clothes in your bag, wiping the sweat from your forehead.

a low whistle sounded from tendou

“wow, [y/n]! look at you, semi is going to just eat you up!”

you scoffed, punching him in the stomach. even though you knew he didn’t mean it in a suggestive way, you hated when he teased you. he knew just how to push you buttons.

“i will literally kill you. now lets go meet up with the others, creep.”

he chuckled, but followed you nonetheless.

you smiled as you saw the entire shiratorizawa volleyball team sat in a circle, enjoying a picnic

“hey, you guys started eating without us?” tendou cried, rushing past you to seat himself next to ushijima

“well you’re late, you deserve it.” yamagata uttered, not taking his eyes off of his food

you walked past the team, responding to their greetings with a smile and wave before stopping behind semi, lowering yourself to wrap your arms around him

“hello, eita!” you grinned, pressing a light kiss to his temple

he immediately stiffened against the abrupt touch, softening when he recognized that it was you

“[y/n]? what are you doing here?” he was thoroughly confused, turning his whole body to you

“tendou invited me! why do you not want me here?” you pouted, placing your hands on your thighs

at the suggestion he was immediately reduced to a stuttering mess. his usually stoic attitude was replaced by nervousness and defensiveness

“o-of course not! i just assumed only the team was coming. i’m glad you’re here, promise.”

his seriousness always made you laugh, maybe that’s why you loved teasing him

“i’m just fucking with you, eita.”

his automatic response was: “oh, well then eat shit.”

LMFAOOOO there’s the guy you know and love

you were about to slide in between eita and shirabu when you felt a pair of wandering eyes to your right

shirabu was... checking you out??? HUH

he didn’t even notice you were looking at him because he was looking straight at your thighs

MF EVEN LEANED BACKWARDS TO LOOK AT YOUR BUTT

you weren’t even offended because this was the funniest shit you had witnessed in your life

the kid that your boyfriend hated with his entire being was literally checking you out in front of him

before you could form a sentence that would surely embarrass the setter, you heard your boyfriend screaming and lunging at shirabu

“HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING YOU DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE SHIT? I’LL KILL YOU!”

“HUH? g-get off me! what are you doing?”

what da fawk😃

you immediately grabbed eita by his arm and pulled him away from the lowerclassmen, a shocked expression adorning your face

he was practically fuming, if you were in a cartoon, steam would’ve been blowing out of his ears by now. his eyes ripped themselves from shirabu’s cowering form and were now focused on you

“you were just letting him look at you! i saw you!”

NOT HIM TRYING TO BLAME THIS ON YOU

“well i was gonna tell him off before you acted like a fucking psycho... which was funny as fuck by the way.”

“it was not funny” he growled, folding his arms over his chest.

“it was too! as much as i enjoyed that, please never do it again. i can take care of myself, okay?”

he rolled his eyes but nodded nonetheless, earning a chaste kiss on the cheek

you thought that was the end of it but he stood up, grabbed your wrist, and dragged you away from his team

“we’re going somewhere private. now.”

time for the vaccum seal two handed twist gawk gawk wombo combo🥵🥵

[a/n]: this was requested and i wasn’t sure if you meant that you wanted random beachgoers to be staring at the reader so i just made a teammates do it hehe <3 WHY DID I MAKE THEM TOXIC AND WHY IS MY WRITING STYLE ALL OVER THE PLACE LMFAOO😹👍

#haikyuu imagine #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu headcanons #kuroo tetsuro imagine #kuroo tetsuro imagines #kuroo tetsuro x reader #semi eita imagine #semi eita imagines #semi eita x reader #bokuto koutarou imagine #bokuto koutarou imagines #bokuto koutarou x reader

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twenty-one-froggy-pilots · 3 years

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Yeah I'm honestly a bit surprised by how passionate and vocal people are about hating twenty one pilots? It's kinda upsetting that when I try to interact with content about them I'm always a bit worried in the back of my mind because I'm a pretty sensitive person and it's hard not to let stuff get to me.

I don’t know why it’s always felt like twenty one pilots has gotten a ton of hate for no reason? I’ve been into them since 2013-2014 so pure unadulterated vessel era, I’m a very old fan of them and their music, like one of the oldest picture in my phone is this

(This picture isn’t important I just love it, plus something fun to look at with a not so fun subject material)

(Long history as a fan rant incoming lol)

I’ve been an emo kid for a really long time, back when all of the emo bands were big, when seeing another kid wearing a panic! shirt always meant you talked to them in the mall, I still remember when I would wear the one twenty one pilots shirt I could afford outside, that anyone who knew who they were would come up and start a conversation with me

And it’s like through the years the hate has changed to be... somehow worse

Back in the early days tøp used to get called not a true emo band because they didn’t have anyone playing the guitar so everyone hated them because they weren’t emo Enough

Plus there was the whole ‘emo trinity’ ‘emo quartet’ infighting nonsense but that’s so long past idk if anyone even remembers it lol

Then blurryface rolls around and fans are being made fun of for dressing funky and going through that one fandom phase where everyone was calling the boys smol beans it was great and cute, we were all really close, we called each other frens, told each other to stay street it was great! So what people made fun of us or whatever we were absolutely vibing

Twenty one pilots felt like the coolest secret gang of fans, we were absolutely huge, more so than most people would think, and man it was awesome!! If you saw a tøp fan you knew that you were cool with that person and that person would be cool with you!! It was amazing!! Sometimes I do miss this vibe!!

But then Stressed Out ended up on the radio...

I feel like it really all changed here, all of the sudden the old fandom things were cringy, the boys were sell outs, and every family member you knew was suddenly the biggest fan despite only knowing stressed out

I remember being upset around this time because of strangers invading my space, this was my group, filled with people who understood what the lyrics meant and knew and understood how much they meant to all of us, and suddenly it was filled with people who didn’t belong

I didn’t blame the pilot boys, obviously they can’t control what’s on the radio, I’m fact, there’s plenty of pilot songs that mention never being played on the radio because of one reason or another, so my problem was never with the boys, it was with the influx of new people, and by new people I don’t mean new fans, I mean news outlets and tv show host, and with that influx came the people who didn’t get it, you know? That were rude and outright nasty and refused to understand anything about the genre and effort put into the story and why it mattered to us

(Tw for suicide mention, and uncomfortable themes involving people making fun of themes involving it, tw for mentions of school shootings)

All of the sudden we were the fans of Tyler Joseph the man who ‘Glorifies Suicide’ and actively is supposedly encouraging that behavior

We were the cringy fans everyone knew in high school and hated who were described as being ‘JuSt So QuIrkY 🤪’, instead of the mentally ill kids we all were, by people who hated us

We were the fans of those ‘white boys who look like school shooters’ (this one honestly rocked me to my core, it still hurts to even see??? Like idk why but it almost makes me want to cry)

At the same time a lot of the old fans were turning their back on the pilots, they didn’t want to be involved anymore, they hated ALL of the new fans whether they were respectful or not

It was a REALLY hard time to be a new fan, very few people were open to having them involved in anything, I think this is when a lot of hatred happened in the fandom not only fan-fan fighting/hatred but also fan-band sentiments weren’t great either

The more songs that ended up on the radio the more the hatred grew, in fact this got so bad Tyler did this

youtube

Here’s a transcript in case it’s hard to hear

Like... this was the state of our fan group.... it was suddenly cool to hate all the songs that ended up on the radio so much it affected every part of our music journey

There was a lot of infighting, it was an awful time to be a fan, new or old

Then came silence era, in which every tøp blog I followed except like 2, became kpop blogs and I’m not sure any of them ever came back lol, I actually really disliked kpop because of this for a bit in like a jokey kind of way in my own head lol (ahh how the turn tables have turned... kpop and tøp are the only things I listen to now haha, actually because of all my tøp mutuals becoming kpop blogs I vowed to myself to not change this blog to another group so I have two music blogs now, which makes me laugh but also shows how important music is to me so it makes me happy anyways you know?)

It was kind of a sad way to have the fandom disappear, everything was strangled, the boys were gone, and no one kept up with the fandom, it felt really lonely

When Trench era clues started back people started coming back, the mood was different, we had something to do and it was fun to work on something with others, we had the Clancy letters, and all the clues, and the tower of silence and the vultures!! It was great! It started to feel like we had rebuilt something from the rubble of what we had been

The fandom started calling Tyler stinky and he called us b*stards it was great, sometimes people were a bit meaner than I think they thought they were being, but it worked you know?

When the album released we had more people come back and things slowly started fitting back ok again, more songs ended up on the radio and a lot of older fans said the same things they’re saying now, but it wasn’t that bad, it was mostly very positive

And then we got to the over the summer drama, which........... is a sensitive subject, but I legitimately do not understand how it was Tyler’s fault that people assumed he was talking about something when he wasn’t talking about it at all... especially when people have been begging him for years to talk more about mental health, he wanted to introduce whatever he was going to do with a joke, I personally never though he was talking about the big issue at the time of the incident, but it blew up like wildfire and the next thing you know he’s canceled because Other People Assumed Something

So now it’s ‘Morally Justifiable’ to hate Tyler because he’s r*cist or something, despite it never being his intention and because people assumed something

It’s literally not even with good reason that people are doing this, but because it blew up when it did and about what it did, no one knows what really happened and people just wanted a morally justified reason to hate them because you can’t just dislike something anymore without it being justifiable I guess? I feel like with all of the years I’ve spent on the internet everything has only become more hateful...

All this to say.... yes, it hurts when people hate the things that you do, I get really sensitive about it as well, especially with how long and how many arguments I’ve seen, and I am extremely sensitive to discourse and hatred, it’s why I don’t engage with much of it online, in fact I was about to delete the post complaining about everyone hating on them before I saw it was really resonating with you guys

I guess my best advice to you anon, would to try to understand where it’s coming from, that’s what’s helped me, I know a lot of people dislike the pilots because of the fact that they became ‘mainstream’ during blurryface era, and people are really upset by that, so understanding that, even when it hurts, I can acknowledge that they feel that way and that it’s ok that I feel differently

It’s easy to take that point and test it against your own morals, ‘do I think twenty one pilots became mainstream, or only makes songs to get on the radio?’ If your answer is no, then you can both say ‘I don’t agree with them but they’re allowed to have their own opinion’ and kind of give yourself a wall and barrier against what they say

I know this isn’t perfect advice, but it’s helped me a lot

I know there are two big arguments against this album, that it’s mainstream and made to have radio singles (the underlying argument here I guess being Tyler and Josh are money hungry and no longer care about the music)

And that it’s no longer lyrically meaningful, but I think this has to do a lot with how involved people are in the Dema lore, if you’re not a fan of lore I would imagine this album being propaganda and supposed to be fake and bright to prove a point would really bug you if you didn’t really get it

To best thing to do is digest an argument (only if you can handle it emotionally of course 🖤) and know it’s ok that think differently than other people, and that the chances of someone being mad at you are very slim

A lot of things I’ve enjoyed have been stolen by the fear of getting hated on for something - while in actuality, the very few times I’ve gotten real hate over something barely affected me

I admit the fear of getting hate bothers me a lot more than actually getting it, but I just want to encourage you to stay strong in the face of it, it will pass, as it all does, but if nothing else in this post resonates with you, PLEASE HOLD ONTO YOUR JOY FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN! And don’t let ANYONE take it from YOU!!

If twenty one pilots makes you happy, just remember that the only person who can take that true joy away from you is yourself, remove the people who make you feel sad out of your life, I apologize if this is a physical person in your life as this makes it a lot harder, and sometimes impossible depending on the situation, but on the internet unfollow anyone, block anyone, don’t engage and leave them alone, it’s not with your energy or effort, and they’ll never change their minds but they can change yours you know?

Being sensitive in a time when everything is hateful is hard, especially when everyone tells you you’re a bad person if you aren’t engaged, but you really don’t have to be, you get to choose your own destiny you know? Don’t let other people choose it for you

#I’m am so sorry this post is so long and I still don’t know how to put readmores on mobile anymore #ajsjjams #I get told I ramble on about to much and that my stories are never concise and take forever to get to the point which might be true.........#I’m sorry #I kinda just rambled on forever but I feel like I finally aired out all my laundry I’ve kept to myself forever haha #it did have a point though! just trying to say like it’s always been a bit difficult but for the things that we love it can be #I’ve had a much better experience this era with the people I follow which has helped a lot #but to get to new content I’m digging in the tags which is where I’m #seeing all the hate so there’s kind of no avoiding it but I understood that going in you know?#anyways I think I’ve rambled on long enough! I hope this helped you out in same way?!?!#I’m not sure any of this is really helpful lol wjsks but one can hope haha #nic writes #tw suicide #tw suicide mention #tw school shooting #tw school shooting mention #tw racism mention

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artificialqueens · 3 years

Text

Tension (Rajila) - Kiyo

A/N - My first submission so, I hope this goes well, this pretty much comedic with of course, a lot of tension and a questionable friendship and usage of the word platonic.

Author blog: @nilaluzon

********

"What kind of person does that to a kid-" Alexis asked in shock to what Manila had just told her. "I have no idea but he did, he yelled at him and basically made him cry because he didn't get 90% when the poor guy had like, 83% if I remember correctly."

Alexis and Manila had been having this discussion for a bit now, simply talking about stories from their childhoods, it was always fun to know what kind of stupid things they had done back then...or stupid things people in their surroundings did.

"Honey, I'm sorry but, your school was fucking crazy, these kid's parents sound like kids themselves." Alexis shook her head, all these anecdotes had been quiet crazy on Manila's end and she just didn't get it, how did people do these things and why would they? Sometimes Alexis wondered how some people did not have the blessing of common sense and it was pretty sad because other people had to endure the consequences of their stupidity.

"Girl, you haven't heard this one." Manila chuckled. "There was this other time where that same kid stole a pencil from me, so, as a 9 year old, I was pretty upset about it, so I waited for him outside the school entrance and he was with his dad." Manila explained whilst Alexis nodded, finishing her glass of wine, keeping her eyes on her friend as she spoke.

"So, I came up to them and I said. 'Hey, can you give me my pencil back, you've had it for 3 days, I want it back.' And I'm not making this up but his dad looked at him and slapped this poor kid's soul out of him over a pencil- I was so shocked, he was so freaking angry." Manila giggled, thinking back on it.

"So then, he looked at me, still very angry and all that jazz then said with the creepiest fucking angry voice to exist. 'You'll have your pencil tomorrow.' That's all he said before storming off with his kid, literally dragging him down the street." Manila chuckled. "I was just out of it the rest of that day, I thought he might have killed his kid when they got home, I felt so bad."

"Girl, Honey, Nila- What the fuck was wrong with your hometown." Alexis asked with genuine concern in her voice, making Manila laugh. "I have no idea but that was the period in my life where I felt like the only normal person because, my classmates parents either we're super strict and borderline beated their kids or they let them do whatever they wanted all the time. Meanwhile, I was at the middle ground." Manila explained, she couldn't stop chuckling, the expression on Alexis's face was absolutely hilarious.

Her expression was a mix of concern, disgust and confusion. "Ma'am, I hope you got therapy for all that trauma." Alexis sat back in her chair with her arms crossed. "I didn't-" Manila laughed again yet Alexis stayed serious.

"I can tell." Alexis chuckled and Manila gave her a mocked-offended look. "Excuse me, I'm not that bad, do I look that mentally ill to you-?"

"You wore a pineapple dress."

"That is hot couture, glamorous and unique, I don't get how that reflects my mental status whatsoever." Manila responded. "And look, atleast I was gorgeous wearing it." She shrugged.

"I'm even more concerned about you now- first of all, your friend got beat by his dad over a pencil, then you had another friend who tried smoking a cigarette at 9 years old and then someone from your class set a trash can on fire and to top it all off, you dress up as food." Alexis sighed, facepalming.

"Hey, it isn't that bad, I didn't tell you about that time where-"

"I don't wanna know Manila, no thank you. Do not project your trauma onto me, I've went through enough already." Alexis giggled, seeing Manila start to sulk because of Alexis's response.

"Do not look at me like that-" Alexis laughed, making Manila laugh as well. "You can't even take yourself seriously." Alexis chuckled. "Yes I can!" Manila said defensively with a hint of sarcasm in her voice, trying to look serious again.

The conversation could have went on with Alexis teasing her younger friend but that was interrupted by Raja who sat inbetween the two, out of nowhere, visibly irritating Alexis.

"Hope I'm not interrupting you two." Raja smiling proudly as she saw her friends look at her with annoyed expressions, well, the annoyed expression came from Alexis, Manila on the other hand looked pretty happy and excited to see the older queen.

"No, you're not, we we're actually getting impatient of waiting for you." Manila explained with a small smile on her face.

"Well, I'm old, I walk slowly so bare with me." Raja joked. "But you have long legs." Manila responded, there was no excuse- "You got me there-" Raja sighed.

"Am I thirdwheeling now or what?" Alexis raised a brow, Raja's back was turned to her, basically excluding her from the conversation with Manila. "I mean, only if you want to." Raja shrugged, glancing back at Alexis who rolled her eyes, getting up and leaving the pair to talk alone. Yara wanted to hang with Alexis anyways, so it wasn't a big deal, she definitely wasn't going to spend her night alone, like Farrah.

-----

"You won't believe me." Alexis complained as soon as she approached Yara. "You thirdwheeled?" Yara raised a brow, already knowing the answer. "Yeah, how'd you know?" Alexis looked at her with a puzzled expression, sitting next to her friend.

"You only say that to me after Raja pushed you out of a conversation you we're having with Manila, so it was quiet obvious that this was the reason." Yara shrugged as if this was casual by now.

"I've been thinking about those two, they always try and make the convo only them, well, atleast Raja does that." Yara explained, basically talking to herself since Alexis pulled out her phone. "And Raja is always like 'Manila this, Manila that.' It's weird and annoying, don't you think- are you even listening to me?" Yara sighed.

"I agree." Alexis lazily answered. "I just don't have the energy to talk about those two, they get on my nerves honestly." She sighed. "Why?" Yara raised a brow, putting her drink down on the table.

"Like you said, with Raja, it's always about Manila and meanwhile, Manila never says shit to get Raja to stop isolating her away from us, I don't even think she noticed that Raja always tried to keep her to herself." Alexis responded, thinking about the many times Raja interrupted a group dicussion by just snatching Manila away from the group, pretty weird if you ask her.

"Yeah, I mean, it's pretty obvious that she likes Nila." Yara shrugged. "Why tho?" Alexis asked in disgust, making Yara wheeze- "Do you no like Nila?"

"Well, she's fucking annoying most of the time, she can be nice but she's so noisy and never stops talking, I don't get why Raja would want that as a girlfriend, if that's even what she wants."

"That's a bit hypocritical of you to say after you've been complaining about Raja never letting anyone speak with Manila." Yara teased her friend who rolled her eyes at her. "That's why Manila is so noisy now, she barley has an opportunity to talk to us."

"You're exaggerating." Yara responded, chuckling.

"What are you guy's talking about?" The infamous and lonely Farrah Moan approached the pair. "Just about how much Manila annoys Alexis." Yara told Farrah, patting the space beside her to invite the younger queen to sit down with them.

"Hm, speaking of Manila, don't you think her and Raja are crushing on each other?" Farrah suggested before sitting beside Yara. "Exactly! That's what I was saying." Alexis responded enthusiastically at the fact someone shared her opinion. "They're both so fucking obvious." Alexis huffed.

"Like, Raja has her fucking hand on her thigh and Manila is basically eye-fucking that corpse." Alexis just wanted them to fuck already, like, stop acting as if nothing is up, just do it, no one cares. "You seem very passionate about those two for somebody who dislikes them." Farrah giggled.

"I'm not, I just find it annoying that they don't just do it already." Alexis quickly responded, it's true, Manila and Raja had never done shit about that tension between them as far as Alexis knew and it irritated everybody.

"Do what-?" Yara hadn't been following this rant Alexis started. "Fuck." Alexis sighed. "The sexual tension kills everyone, like, we'd be at a restaurant and they're just eyefucking each other and cuddling-"

"It's definitely getting frustrating to watch, I gotta agree." Farrah said. "Because they're always so close to actually doing something but then they never do it, which is kinda like you're about to climax but you don't."

"Exacta-fucking-ly." Alexis finally somebody who voiced what they thought about that duo, She basically said what everyone was thinking and Farrah confirmed her theory.

"Look, look, look, look, look." Alexis pointed at the couple. "They're so fucking close- like her hand- look at her hand!"

The two weren't even talking, just staring at each other, Manila had a stupid smile on her face whilst Raja had a simple grin with her hand rested on Manila's upper thigh, rubbing circles with her thump on Manila's exposed skin.

"FUCK EACH OTHER!" Yara yelled at them, breaking whatever moment they we're having and making them visibly embarrassed as some of their friends stared at them, glancing back and forth from Yara to Raja and Manila.

"Give me a second." Manila quickly whispered to Raja them speed walked over to the trio who we're intensly looking at her. "What was that about Yara!?" Manila snapped at her friend. "Nothingggg-" Yara smiled awkwardly.

"We just want you two to stop your flirting game and just fuck already." Alexis shrugged, seeing the confused expression on Manila's face annoyed her right away. "Flirting? We're not flirting."

"Please-" Farrah laughed at Manila. "She was staring deep in your soul and feeling your thigh, that isn't flirting?" Farrah was questioning what Manila even considered flirting anymore or maybe Farrah was just wrong about the definition, who knows?

"No, she wasn't even touching me." Manila huffed.

"Girl." Alexis gave her the really queen? Stare.

"Miss thing-" Farrah looked at her as if she we're the dumbest person alive.

"Oh my god." Yara facepalmed.

"What? She wasn't." Manila stood her ground, crossing her arms. "Babygirl, yes she was." Alexis sighed.

"Whatever." Yara shook her head and made a motion for Manila to go away. "Just go home, you're obviously too drunk to know whats going on."

"I drank one glass, I'm not drunk." Manila whined but Alexis was not about to deal with a Manila tantrum right now. "Take an IQ test girl." Farrah giggled before Alexis stood up and grabbed Manila's hand. "Look, darling, consider therapy, I really recommend it." She said, seriously, making Manila roll her eyes before storming off.

"Well, I hope she takes my advice." Farrah giggled and received a slap on the arm from Yara. "You're stupider than her bitch, shut the fuck up with you IQ test looking ass." She laughed. "It wasn't a bad idea." Alexis shrugged, sitting back down.

-----

Manila stormed out the club, feeling upset, she had no idea why she was but she felt betrayed in some odd way. Why would they say that and why Yara yell thay infront of everybody? Manila felt embrassed, her and Raja we're just friend, they'd never done anything together...that was complete delusion on her part to think that because Manila recalled moment's they had but it was after a long nights of drinking and excuses to so things but she barely remembered snippets of encounters.

But even if it did happen, Alexis anf Yara had no right to say something like they had ---

"Nila-" Raja snatched Manila by the wrist, making her abruptly stop in her path. "What!?" Manila snapped but turned to see Raja. "Oh, Raja...my bad." Manila sighed, relaxing a little yet still having a tense feeling in her chest. "Where are you going?" Raja frowned, letting go of Manila's wrist, noticing the red mark she'd left on her skin from grabbing her that harshly.

Fuck... Raja thought to herself before looking back at her short friend. "I was going home." Manila responded, crossing her arms. "Why? Weren't we suppose to have fun till 3 am or something? It's barely 11 pm...and you said you'dcome back to talk to me." Raja said with a worried tone in her voice, mumbling the last part butal she could think of was if there had been something that happened to Manila to make her upset her this much?

"I know, I just, I got angry, they kept saying we we're acting weird or something and I guess that it made me really upset but now that I think about it... it was really dumb to storm off, sorry." Manila took a deep breath, not being able to hold eye contact with Raja. "That's fine, they won't know anyway.." Raja responded, taking a step closer to Manila, looking down at her. "Are you calming down?"

"I think so.." Manila shrugged. "Look at me." Raja sighed. "Are you still upset?"

"..."

Raja cupped Manila's face, making her look up at her, here came the tension once more, just like earlier, Manila felt her heart beat out of her chest as Raja looked at her, she could no longer look away, she didn't want to. "Are you upset?" Raja asked once again.

"Yeah, I don't know why...they'd..say that." Manila could barely focus, she knew she was staring but so was Raja. "I see." Raja sighed. "Do you want me to walk you home?" Raja raised a brow and tilted her head slightly.

"I want you to stay with me..." Manila mumbled, hugging Raja and resting her head against her chest, hearing the taller woman's heartbeat.

"You want to stay here, outside?" Raja asked again, wanting clear answers from Manila, it was quiet cute how shy she was being but it didn't help them carry this conversation.

"Whatever you want, i just want to stay with you." Manila answered, clearly not wanting to carry on talking. "Alright." Raja sighed, now she needed to find away to break the hug without it being awkward...

"I love how clingy you are but I need to just..." Raja started her sentence, slightly bending down and passing one of her arms under Manila's knees, picking her up bridal style. "...Pick you up and get you home."

"Can we go to your place instead..?" Manila asked, somehow not bothered by the gesture.

Manila didn't want Raja to just get her home then leave her, tonight she didn't want to be left alone.. "Of course." Raja giggled softly.

Manila and Raja's friendship was odd to say the least, well, to other people it was weird but this was normal for the both of them, they'd always been quiet clingy but people thought they we're dating but always ended up disappointed when they found out that they we're just close friends.

Raja started walking, thanking the lord that Manila had made that request because she couldn't see herself carry Manila to that house, it was pretty far away, meanwhile, Raja's apartment was really close to the club they'd been at.

Raja started walking pretty quickly because people seeing her carry an upset and tired girl who looked far younger than her probably wasn't a good look at all-

After finally getting to the front door of her apartment, Raja carefully put down Manila who immediately hugged her arm, sticking to the older woman like glue. Raja could tell that her friend was in a very clingy mood if it wasn't obvious enough.

After finding the keys to her appartement, Raja opened the door, walking in with Manila then quickly closing the door and to her surprise, Manila pushed Raja against the wall, not hard at all but damn was she needy, being cuddly with Raja right away.

"Nila, I adore you but, don't want you wanna cuddle on the couch or in bed? The wall isn't exactly comfortable" Raja giggled, seeing Manila take a step back and crossing her arms with her annoyed expression that Raja knew all too well.

"Aw, come on, don't look at me like that, this really makes me believe you're a light weight because the only logical reason to why you'd do this is, is because you're drunk but you only drank one glass." Raja chuckled, grabbing Manila's hand and then leading the way to her bedroom.

"Make yourself at home, I mean, pretend it's not like you already sleep here 3 nights a week with me." Raja chuckled and got hit in the shoulder playfully by Manila. "I'm tired, let's sle-" Manila got cut off by the door bell ringing and Raja was visibly annoyed like Manila, huffing before making her way to the front door, leaving Manila in her bedroom to sit on Raja's bed.

Raja opened the door to see Bob of all people, which wasn't too pleasant of a surprise right now.

"May I ask why you're at my door step at midnight?" Raja sighed, Bob had this smile on her face, Raja would say she looked stupid but she was going to keep that thought to herself.

"Well, I know you're pretty lonely most of the time so, I was wondering if we could hang out since Monet is busy tonight." Bob suggested but got caught off guard when she saw Manila walk towards them, hugging Raja's arm and resting her head on her shoulder. "What's up?" Manila asked, not bothering to look at Bob as she kept her eye's on Raja.

"Oh- Nothing much." Bob chuckled awkwardly, she must've been interrupting something and she clearly felt tension build between her and Manila and it wasn't exactly positive.

"Babe, you didn't tell me Bob was going to come around." Manila looked at Raja, clearly annoyed by Bob's presence. "She just dropped by to ask me to hang out-"

"-You're gonna leave me here? You promised you'd stay with me, I love your apartment but I love it make when you're with me." Manila whined, hugging Raja tighter. "Of course not, I was gonna tell her that I'm-"

"-We're busy." Manila finished Raja's sentence then eyed Bob who was clearly regretting every life choice that led her up to this moment. "Okay, well, I'll be on my way-" Bob chuckled awkwardly then quickly walked away, borderline running, not waiting for Raja to close the door.

Raja locked the door then looked at Manila with an intrigued look. "Are we busy...babe?" She asked teasingly. "Mhm." Manila smiled. "You really are a handful, you scared that small bean away." Raja giggled.

"My plan worked, now we won't be bother by anybody, it'll be just us and that weird Madonna poster you have in your living room." Manila giggled. "I don't know if I'm offended or amused." Raja sighed and shook her head. "I don't have the energy to defend that fabulous poster right now so, I'll just agree with you." Raja chuckled.

"Can we go sleep now?" Manila whined. "With that attitude, we're not sleeping." Raja grinned. "Aren't we?" Manila giggled at what Raja was suggesting. "Are you that tired?" Raja sighed. "Not anymore." Manila smirked.

"Good because..." Raja smiled and cupped Manila's face. "I want to make you my babe tonight." She kissed her softly. "All platonically of course...as always." Raja chuckled. "All platonic." Manila giggled.

There was absolutely nothing platonic about their relationship but no one knew that nor did they have to know. Having their friends push them together when in fact they already we're together most of the time in many sense was quiet funny to say the least but, tonight there was no laughing about who and what somebody said...tonight they'd be beating up the word platonic.

#rpdr fanfiction #rajila #manila luzon #raja gemini #alexis mateo #yara sofia #farrah moan #bob the drag queen #tension #kiyo

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missmentelle · 4 years

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Am I a bad friend for being overwhelmed by my friend's severe depression/abandonment issues and wanting a break sometimes? I'm the only one they can lean on and I do my best to help them but sometimes I just don't know what to do because nothing seems to help them and I can't always be available without neglecting my own mental health/my work. I spend at least 90% of my free time and some of my time at work when I'm able to text assuring them every day that they're not worthless and giving them reasons why I like them/reasons why they shouldn't commit s****** after they rant to me and ask me "Why?" about those things. They refuse to seek out therapy (Even though their insurance fully covers it) and acknowledge that they can be toxic but refuse to change and instead always just say stuff like "I'm sorry, I know I'm a piece of shit, I should just die". Any advice? :/

Thanks in advance, if you get to this question!

You definitely aren’t a bad friend for being overwhelmed by this. I think anybody would be in your situation.

It really sucks that your friend is going through this right now, but one person cannot be a 24/7 support for a person in crisis. It’s just not doable. Trying to give someone constant support without a break will burn anyone out, especially if that person is not willing to take steps to help themselves. It’s great that you want to be there for your friend, but they also need to meet you halfway - they need to take responsibility for their own mental health, be willing to consider other resources, and understand that it’s not personal when friends sometimes need a break or can’t be available 24/7. That can be very difficult for people with severe mental illness, but they need to find a way to manage it; making threats of suicide or saying dark things like “I’m a huge piece of shit and I should just die” whenever one of their supports needs a break is hugely manipulative, and it’s not okay.

I am a mental health professional with a lot of training to help people in crisis, and I still can’t be a 24/7 support for someone in crisis without quickly burning out. When I work with people who have very high mental health needs, I don’t do it alone - I work with a large team, so that we can make sure this person has support they need at various hours of the day, and so that no one person feelings like they are alone in supporting this person. We never break boundaries; if it’s my day off or if I’m meeting with another client and the person in crisis desperately wants to speak with me, they have to make do with one of their other supports or wait until I am available again. Having just one support is not an option for these clients - they have to work with us to establish a network of supports so that they have different people to turn to if their preferred support is not available. Again, I understand that it might be hard for your friend to accept other supports, but they need to do it - leaning this hard on just you is not good for either of you. It’s setting you up for some serious burnout, and it’s setting them up to not have any supports at all once that happens.

Every relationship needs boundaries. Period. A boundary is not a sign that you don’t care about the other person - it’s a sign that you care about yourself. Helping someone in crisis is great, but if the person has so many constant, ongoing crises that helping them prevents you from functioning properly in your own life, some boundaries need to be be put in place. Spending 90% of your free time talking the same person out of suicide over and over again is unsustainable. People in a severe mental health crises can sometimes be like drowning people; if you try to help them all by yourself, they will drag you under the water with them, which helps no one and endangers both of you. Your own mental health needs to be your top priority here - although it might feel cruel at first to put boundaries in place, it’s necessary if the relationship is going to survive in the long run, and it can sometimes give the other person the push they need to access resources.

When you’re in a situation where you’re burnt out from helping someone in crisis and you desperately need to set some boundaries, here’s what I recommend:

Have an open conversation about the situation. This won’t be an easy conversation, but sometimes it just has to be done. Tell your friend that you want to support them and you want to be there for them, but that you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed. Tell them that you want them to get the best support possible, but that you aren’t a mental health professional and that they deserve support from an expert who is trained to provide it. Remind them that you need space sometimes and that it’s not a personal attack or a rejection of them, it’s just something you need for yourself. Do your best to lay out your feelings and express your desire to work together with them to move forward in a healthier, more productive way.

Commit to having “off-times”. There need to be certain hours every day where you take a break and just don’t reply to texts or answer your phone. Expecting you to be available at all times is just not reasonable. Don’t answer your texts during work hours, during meals, during your sleeping hours (even if you aren’t asleep) and for at least an hour before you want to go to bed. Give yourself time to relax, wind down and take some time for yourself. Your friend might be upset about this at first, but it’s important to be strict with this boundary - you need time to yourself. Period.

Carve out time for your hobbies, friends and rest. Make sure you are spending time each week that is just for you - watch a favourite show, read a book, Skype call with other friends, play some video games, take a nap. Do whatever makes you happy. And while you’re taking time for yourself, enforce your boundaries - you can’t enjoy watching a movie if you are texting someone in crisis all the way through it and not actually watching the show. Remember that you don’t need to justify time you take for yourself - it’s not that the movie is “more important” than your friend, it’s that your own mental health is your first priority.

Seek out social support for yourself. It’s very common for people to let other friendships and relationships drop when they are spending most of their time supporting someone in crisis. Don’t. Make sure you are spending time on other relationships that are more of a mutual source of support for you. Becoming isolated for the sake of one friend is not healthy - take steps to protect and nurture your other relationships.

Get their other friends and family on board, if possible. Supporting a person in crisis has to be a team effort, especially if that person is making threats of suicide. One person cannot keep them safe all on their own. If you know that this person has other friends or family in their life that could be a source of support, it might be time to reach out to them and let them know how serious your friend’s situation has become. Multiple people coordinating to support one person is always better than one person going it alone.

Encourage them to access other supports. I know that your friend does not want to seek outside supports, but there comes a time when that stops being a reasonable option for someone who has outside supports available. From the sounds of it, your friend passed that point a long time ago. Again, remind your friend that you are not a professional and that you are worried you can’t give them the help they need. Offer to assist them in locating appropriate supports. If they get upset when they are unable to reach you right away, remind them of professional or alternative supports available, and explain that they need to contact those resources when they cannot reach you. Keep directing them to other supports - therapists, hotlines, 911, etc - that can provide more comprehensive support than you can, and stick to your boundaries.

Don’t engage with their manipulative behaviour. When someone constantly and consistently threatens suicide or says things like “I get it, I’m the worst, I’m a piece of shit, I deserve nothing and I should just die” whenever they are called out for their toxic behaviour, that’s a form of manipulation. As hard as it might be, you can’t give in to it - when they know this kind of manipulation works, they’ll keep using it, and they won’t change their toxic behaviour or take steps to address their mental health. When your friend is being manipulative, set firm boundaries. Tell them that they don’t seem to be in a good headspace for this conversation and that you’ll talk to them when they seem more able to discuss their harmful behaviour. If they make direct threats of suicide, tell them you are concerned for their safety and that you think it would be best for them to call 911. Do not engage further, just keep directing them to outside supports.

Setting boundaries with someone who has severe mental health struggles is hard. It’s so hard. And honestly... it won’t always go well. Sometimes people are very understanding, and talking to them about boundaries makes them realize that it’s time to start taking their mental health more seriously... but I think it’s more common for people to view boundaries as a personal attack, at least in the beginning. I get my fair share of hate mail from people who inform me that I must “hate the mentally ill” because I preach setting boundaries. This is a very emotional topic for a lot of people, and unfortunately, conversations about it will not always go well. When someone is used to having unlimited access to you and they are used to being able to shut down any conversations about how their actions might be toxic, suddenly having you put boundaries in place can feel like a slap in the face. That doesn’t mean that you should give in or relax your boundaries, though - what you are asking for is not unreasonable. No relationship should be causing you this much stress or possibly threatening your livelihood (especially in a global pandemic with an unemployment crisis), and you are not a bad person for needing a break and room to breathe. Your friend might come around and accept your boundaries after a while, or they might not. Either way, you need to protect your own mental health - it’s up to them to decide whether they are willing to continue with a relationship where they are no longer allowed to run you into the ground. Best of luck to you! MM

#Anonymous

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nyctophilin · 3 years

Text

A little rant

Hi! So, I have seen this post, and I told myself “This shit can’t be real!” so I decided to exit the page and enter it again and the post was still there. So I did it again and again and again and the post was still there. So this shit is real! Okay. :D

The op said that people got her hot and you know what? She got me hot too, so let’s talk about this. There were so many...things going on in that post and honestly, I am still trying to convince myself that it’s real. Fortunately, op broke it down in three sections so it will be easier for me to address that hot mess.

Warning: I have mentioned some triggering things in here like r@pe, abuse in BDSM relationships, sexualisation, spreading of personal information. Please proceed with caution.

Let’s start with section A, shall we? This whole section is about people being uncomfortable with other people writing smut. OP starts this section by saying “something people need to realize is not everyone is a soft stan or minor.” and they are right. However, there is a difference between being a hard stan and straight-up sexualising someone.

There is nothing wrong with writing smut, but how you behave outside of that smut fic is what defines you. Some of the writers they are defending just straight up sexualise the boys. There is no creativity there. Being turned on by Hyunjin talking to his dog and sexualising something that Chan said as a response to a mean comment is another level of disgusting that some people have reached. There is no hard stan behaviour in all that, there is just disgusting people behaviour. The fact that they are “adults” does not excuse it.

Another thing they said in the A section was “as writers they can do what they would like to when it comes to their content.” and they are right here too. Is not like we can stop them from continuing to post whatever the fuck they want. However, that doesn’t mean that what they post is right and people shouldn’t be upset about it. Lolita mangas is a thing people do because they want to. Does it make it right? No. Writing fanfiction about real-life terrorists is a thing that people do because they want to. Does it make it right? No. So when someone comes for your favourite smut writer with other arguments besides “I don’t like it.” and points out problematic things with the fic then you have no right telling people to “just dont read their content.”. There are writers that write r@pe fanfiction, abusive BDSM dynamics, sexualising little space, romanticizing mental illness and many more and people have all the rights to be upset about this and call them out. So even if it “makes absolutely no sense” I will “take time out of my day to question a writer’s content” not because I don’t like it, but because it’s wrong. Believe it or not, some things are just wrong, whether people like them or not.

Moving on to section B and this is the one that upset me the most. This section is about how some people are uncomfortable with the age gap between idols and writers that are adults. To sum it up for you because I am not about to quote the whole shit, OP is basically telling us that as long as both the idol and the writer are adults then the age difference shouldn’t matter.

First of all, let’s not talk about how hellbent has been used totally wrong in this context and it took me a moment to realise what they meant, but yes, some people are really fixated on the age difference between idols and writers. You can’t come at me with the bullshit that “it shouldn't matter if everyone in question is an adult.” because you are saying that an almost 30 years old having sexual fantasies about a 19 years old is okay. It’s not. The 19 years old is fresh off of high school and the 30 years old has been working for 6 years. If you wouldn’t be okay with it happening in real life then you shouldn’t be okay with it happening to an idol.

Some smut writers don’t even write for Jeonging because they say that it’s uncomfortable having this big age difference between them and that they can’t see themselves having sexual fantasies about a senior in high school/freshman in college. If they feel like that and understand the concern people have regarding this matter then so can the other writers in a similar situation. There is no excuse here. If you are a 28 years old thinking sexually about an 18/19 years old(because this is what you need to do in order to be able to write smut) then that is just disgusting. Period.

Second of all, I won’t even talk about the “mathematical representation” part. That whole bit it’s just pure garbage. Just take the whole part and throw it away. This is not a situation that you should represent using math. We are talking about real-life people here, not numbers. What if you were 19 and had a 30 years old write their sexual fantasies about you? Would you feel comfortable with that? Of course, the boys know that the fans have sexual fantasies about them. They are not stupid. However, and this is just my opinion, I don’t think that the first people that come into Jeongin’s mind when he thinks about that, are people approaching or being in their 30s.

Now, part C and this one is a handful. This was supposed to be about minors being upset that adults gatekeep smut but I don’t know if it really respects the theme. It starts with the question “if youre a minor and you get upset over adults writing smut then truly what are you doing??” and this is exactly what they are doing. They are getting upset that adults write smut. It says it right there, in the question. Honestly, this has nothing to do with the “gatekeeping smut” part. If you wanted it to be about that, then it should have been structured in a whole other way.

But anyway, they continue to say how minors interacting with NSFW is wrong and they shouldn’t do it and I fully agree and I have stated this before. They should not partake in this kind of activities because it was not meant for them, but I have never seen anyone say anything about “gatekeeping” smut. Minors are upset at the hypocrisy. And believe it or not, minors writing erotica is not illegal. It’s very much legal. Is it morally correct? Absolutely not and it’s best if they don’t go down that path because it will only harm them. But can you do anything to stop them? No. The only thing you can do is ask them to stop writing it and if they refuse is best to block them. But again, I don’t support minors doing that and I hope they don’t.

Also, don’t even dare tell me about adults that have minors dni or 18+ in their bio. I know for a fact that 80% of those people go and interact with minors themselves. How come you say don’t interact and then you are the one to interact? And on your NSFW blog? At least make a SFW one. None of those people actually care about keeping minors “safe”, although it is a nice impression that you have about them. With the spreading of personal information, keeping minors that write smut secret and telling possible minors to not reveal their age so they can keep interacting with NSFW content, none of those people actually care about minors. They only care about their asses. But again, it is a nice impression you have of them.

Then they go on and say “some minors think theyre mature enough to handle that shit.... NO NO YOU ARE NOT” as if turning 18 magically makes you mature enough. It doesn’t. You still have the 17 years old mentality you had the day before your birthday. I am not saying that minors are mature enough to do that, but again, is anyone mature enough for the r@pe fics and unhealthy BDSM dynamics?

And because OP screamed in that next part, so will I. HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO “GO READ SOME FLUFF OR ANGST” WHEN THE TAGS ARE FULL OF DAMN SMUT? FIRST HAVE SMUT WRITERS STOP TAGGING THEIR SMUT FICS IN THE FLUFF AND ANGST TAG AND THEN THEY WILL GO AND DO THAT TOO.

And this wasn’t planned, but we also have a bonus part. This is so exciting! They say “STOP TREATING STRAY KIDS + EVERY OTHER DAMN KPOP GROUP LIKE BABIES!” and I have been saying this for ages. And you know what I am about to say. However, doing any of the things mentioned in this post cannot be called infantilizing. Wishing that people wouldn’t sexualize or write problematic fiction about them is not babying. Getting uncomfortable when someone 10 years older than an idol has sexual fantasies about them is not babying. Stop acting as if people wishing that other people would stop pursuing disgusting behaviours is wrong.

And please “these grown men”. I almost laughed. The only man that can be called grown there is maybe Chan, but people from Hyunjin to Jeongin are definitely not grown. They are in the process of growing and becoming grown, but they aren’t grown. Of course, people are aware that they know about sex, but they shouldn’t have to deal with having r@pe fics written about them or having people much older thirst about them. And if you don’t agree with that, oh well, that’s sad.

#stray kids #stray kids smut #skz smut #jesus the anger that post caussed me #i am not even joking #and maybe it was stupid of me to get so worked up over this thing #but it was such a superficial view on the whole thing #and it made it look like some people have exaggerated emotions when they don't #not everything is black and white -____-#also if you have any opinions on this post #tell them nicely and off anon #if you send anonymous hate chances are it will be deleted #or not taken seriously when answered #pearl talks

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xxtha-blog · 4 years

Text

Traits People in the Fandom like to give Dream that instantly turn me away from their comics.

Wow, that's a long title. Okay, did you ever just want to hear me complain? If so, you came to the right place!

Im on a little salt bregade right now with my exasperation at lack of enjoyable Dream content in this fandom so this isn't some in depth analysis post or some if you give Dream these traits, you're a bad writer and need to stop. No. This is just a: here's some character traits people commonly write Dream with that severely conflict with the character I love him for, thus making me incapable of enjoying whatever 'Dream' they're writing because to me it doesn't look like Dream at all. And also why I don't like it and why I think this happens so frequently. And because this is just my opinion, you can either agree or ignore me. (And I mean, second one is a good option lol)

Jerkish - The classic asshole Dream. The one that says 'all this bad things that happened to me? Pffttsgsf I don't want to be a better person so I'm going to be a dick to everyone else.' This is probably the most common and usually comes with a lot of the other traits I'm about to mention

Sarcastic - This ones not that bad and if it's the only one I'll usually be fine with it, but he isn't sarcastic or passive aggressive, his closest trait to this is that he's stubborn. He's not going to shoot back something to make someone upset or because he's mad at them, even Nightmare, he's going to say something that might contend with someone for the purpose of making that person think about the bad or negative thing they're doing and won't stop until the person is either rethinking their originally negative position or is growing too negative for it to be rational to keep pressing and will try something else. In one it's a good intention, and with sarcasm it's this 'I need to get back at them and I don't care if it helps the situation or makes it worse' intention. And Dream is always the former.

Violent - The Dream that's always ready to get into a fight no matter what. Talking calmly? what's that?

Unsympathetic/Insensitive - this one is super easy to slip by the radar of a lot of people, so I often get people who ask me why I don't like certain ways people write Dream and it's usually because of this. This is him not understanding or sympathizing with someone else's situation even if it differs from his own, mainly for harmless things. People not wanting to do something because they're uncomfortable and Dream being written as trying to get them to do it to the point they get upset. A negative or toxic stubbornness, so to speak. Which really sucks because Dream is one of the sweetest most sensitive character I've seen and it gets rid of all that nuance.

Egotistical - :( I really don't like this one. It's your typical, I'm better than you, (usually toward Nightmare). It makes me sad. Combine unsympathetic and egotistical together and you get the jerk Dream that hates negativity and thinks negative people are bad.

Ableist - Hear me out, this isn't the same as people saying canon Dream is ableist for like, not being friends with Ink? (Wheeze). it's the type of Dream that purposefully targets someone's mental illnesses in cruel or unfair ways, usually Nightmare.

Neglectful - The Dream that says fuck protecting positivity lmao. And I need not say more.

Cowardly - The Dream that either won't own up to the problems he caused, pretends he never caused problems, and/or won't do anything to stop problems occuring.

Underhanded - the type of Dream that won't talk shit to someone's face but will make either subtly or blatantly mean comments about them behind their back.

Stupid - The type of Dream that makes decisions that will clearly cause the suffering of a lot of people for stupid reasons and/or the type of Dream that couldn't solve a 2x2 rubix cube and relies on everyone else to solve things for him because people think lack of knowledge = stupidity in the original. Which isn't true.

Selfish - The type of Dream that makes decisions that will clearly cause the suffering of other people for selfish or self absorbed reasons.

Controlling - I see this one so much and it hurts me. It's most likely due to people trying to make his desire to do good negative in this way, but directly conflicts with the fact it does no good if he becomes a toxic asshole with it. It's the type of Dream that won't let anyone do anything he doesn't deemed 100% positivity approved and becomes a toxic, controlling, manipulative asshole. Usually with a relationship bonus. ;')

Dense - Another negative stubbornness. A Dream that can't see when something's clearly making someone upset.

Overbearing - a branch of insensitive and stupid. the 'Everything is great! Isn't everything great! You're suffering? No! Everything is great and happy, be happy! I'm ALWAYS happy' Dream. Toxic positivity.

Irritable - The Dream that gets really angry at people for some reason? Normally because they're being negative or just not taking him seriously. This contends with Dream's canon in the sense that instead of getting angry he gets more sad/upset rather than some dry anger, and only when someone is being really cruel. I never like seeing a purely angry Dream. I'd rather him break down into tears, asking quietly why someone is doing this, instead of scream insults at them. Because we all know taking your anger out on someone helps solve problems and doesn't escalate situations.

Venegeful - The Dream that won't stop until the people who have wronged him or are doing wrong are either punished or dead. What's helping people be better, am I right?

Unforgiving - The Dream that never forgives people for wrongdoings and/or actively brings up past mistakes for no good reason, or just to get back at someone, usually to Nightmare. Often used as some moral superiority complex.

Smug - whenever he's right, he'll make sure you know it.

Overlycompetitive - the sore winner that wants to challenge people all the time, that'll rub it in their face when he's better. A subcategory of smug. This isn't to say canon Dream is never competitive, its just to say he isn't a dick about it.

I think a lot of people give them these traits because they think he's not 'flawed' enough. Like, they don't see to understand that 'good' traits can be flaws, or as we've seen here, think Dream's other good traits should be made into even more flaws, which directly conflict with his core morals and motivations.

I know a lot of people just write him like this for fun, and that's fine. I like Swap Dream by song-song-a actually, I think he's cool. There are a couple of exceptions where it's set up well enough that this isn't the Dream I know that I dont get fucking whiplash while reading. I'm not saying its wrong to write him like this, I'm just saying it's not enjoyable for me.

For the most part, it turns me away from the comic, or au, or am, almost instantly. I'm not interested in reading about Dream becomes an asshole edition 600. and it wouldn't be a problem for me if almost anyone wrote him well like every other character gets the liberty of.

Like, I also hate Chibi Blueberry but at least there's a ton of good Swap content out there so I'm not here talking about Chibi Blueberry lol.

Anyways, I'll probably add more traits if I think of any, so if you're trying to write Dream close to canon, you can use this as a what not to do post I guess. Otherwise enjoy my rant xD.

#i salt #I'm making this my new salt tag #for when I gotta SPILL THAT SALT

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ourloveisforthelovely · 4 years

Text

Second Chance 9

Harry Potter AU

Link to Chapter 8

Pairings: Sirius Black x Reader

Rating: M-

_____

Remus Lupin was mad! He was seeing red mad. After Sirius had stormed out of the house the night before and Remus learned of the breakup; he was ready to fight. Remus completed his role as “big brother” and held you as you sobbed in his arms. It took all that he had not to throw his wolfsbane potion against the wall and wait for Sirius to come home (he would be embarrassed by these feelings later but now he didn’t care).

After he got you calmed down enough, Remus sent you home with Tonks. The two would make sure that you would be okay. Both knew that you would need them in the coming days.

The next morning Remus and Tonks returned to Grimmauld Place. Sirius lay on the couch passed out drunk. Remus gave his girlfriend a nod before going into the kitchen and coming back with a large metal pot and a wooden spoon. Tonks smirked as Remus put the pot down by Sirius' head and started banging loudly.

It took Sirius all of three seconds to jump off of the couch. The man looked petrified as he tried to get his pounding heart and head in order.

“Remus, what the hell? Oh, merlin, I feel horrible.”

Remus crossed his arms over his chest.

“Well, you should! Think about how my poor sister feels. What the hell are you thinking? She’s pregnant with your baby and you leave her? This isn’t the Sirius Black that I know. You would never do Y/n like this.”

Sirius sat down and put his hand over his forehead. He was trying to ease the pounding in his head. Sirius wanted to tell Remus that he regretted everything because it was true. After drinking a large amount of booze, Sirius was regretting the last conversation that he had had with you.

“Remus, I fucked up. I know.”

‘You fucked up?”

Tonks questioned. The best friend in her was ready to attack.

“You did more than fuck up! You have crushed her. Y/n hasn’t stopped crying all night. Are her feelings a game to you? Sirius, you aren’t 16 fucking years old anymore. I have to ask. Are you on drugs?”

Sirius looked up over his hand. His eyes were bloodshot and exhausted.

“No, but it would make a lot more sense if I was. I think cocaine sounds fun.”

Tonks fought the urge to start wailing on her cousin.

“Y/n is worried about you. She can’t stop crying. I hope you are proud of yourself.”

Tonks and Remus’ words were finally starting to click in Sirius’ hungover mind. The logical side of his mind (the side that was still himself) was in high gear panic.

“She’s crying over me?”

Out of nowhere, Remus reached out and smacked Sirius with a book that Kreacher had kindly provided. Sirius glared at Kreacher but realized why the elf was joining in on his torture. You were kind to the elf. Sirius hated that you treated the ugly little jerk like a fun new pet.

“What the hell do you think?”

Remus snapped.

“She’s devastated without you. She has lost you twice and neither time she’s had a choice in the matter”

Remus added, angrily sitting down in a huff. The werewolf in him was beginning to take over and he was ready to rip his friend apart in your honor. Remus didn’t get it. Why did Sirius enjoy hurting you so badly? Was it some kind of fucked up game?

“Look, before the two of you straight-up murder me, listen to what I have to say. I broke things off with her for her own good. Don’t you two realize how people are going to talk about her. It doesn’t matter if I am innocent or not. She isn’t going to be the murder’s wife and baby mama forever. Do you really want that for her? I want her to have a chance to have a normal relationship with a guy that I could have been.”

Remus sighed.

“She is already known as the murder’s wife and baby mama. Whether you want to admit it or not, Sirius, Y/n had been living under that stigma for a very long time and she is used to it. She doesn’t care. Y/n wants you. She loves you. Why can you not get it through that thick skull of yours?”

Sirius looked down at his feet. He hasn’t thought about it that way.

“I regret my decision. I want nothing more than to curl up with my head on her lap and beg for forgiveness.”

Tonks faked a gag.

“Well, then you better start figuring something out.”

Over the next few weeks, to Sirius’ devastation, you wanted nothing to do with him. You wouldn’t take his calls, letter, visits, nothing. It didn’t matter how much he pleased with you. Any kind of communication came through Tonks or Remus.

“How can I apologize if she won’t see me?”

Sirius snapped at Remus one night when Sirius dropped by. Remus stood with an alien-like expression on his face as he listened to Sirius rant.

“I’ve tried talking to her. Maybe when she said she’s had enough...Y/n has had enough too. It looks like the two of you are going to parent this child separately.”

Finally, after another month and half of being ignored by both Harry and yourself, Sirius got a letter from you one morning...

“I want to see you. We need to talk about the baby. Come by at 6:00”

Sirius was at Remus’ house at 5:45. You sat in the living room when he stepped in. To say that you were dreading this meeting was an understatement. The girl in you was dying to see Sirius. You wanted nothing more than to curl up in his arms and tell him that you still loved him more than the waking world. The logical side of your mind was trying to say, he is going through a lot. We lost our daughter. This is where all of this is coming from. Your heart, however, was broken over Sirius’ desertion.

The moment that your eyes met his, your heart broke all over again. You poor darling looked exhausted.

“How are you?”

Sirius asked, softly. He noted how pale you looked. You looked as pale as Remus did a good 95% of the time.

Still beautiful though….

His mind supplied. You were still the most beautiful woman that Sirius had ever laid eyes on. He wanted nothing more than to apologize and beg you to come home to him.

“I’m okay. You?”

Sirius shrugged as he took his leather jacket off and sat down beside you. His eyes were on your tummy. You had gotten bigger since he had seen you. He could only hope that this could be a sign that his child was still okay.

“I’ve been better. Is the baby okay?”

You nodded, noting that he still had his wedding ring on.

“Yeah, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I went to the doctor yesterday and everything is looking fine. I’m a bit further than we thought. I must have gotten pregnant right when you got out of prison.”

You were relieved when Sirius smiled.

“Looks like we are in for it again.”

You smiled as you began to feel ill again. What you hadn’t told Sirius as the doctor was concerned about your constant illness.

Sirius had picked up your sudden mood change.

“What’s going on?”

He questioned, reaching for your hand. His eyes locked on your wedding band and engagement ring. Was this a sign that there was still hope?

“I just haven’t felt well.”

You replied, trying to wave it off. Sirius, meanwhile, didn’t buy it.

“Should we call your doctor?”

You shook your head.

“The doctor knows.”

Sirius put a hand over his face and leaned back. You were closing him out.

“Can I do anything? I don’t care what it is. “

Sirius hoped that his being kind would get him some points. Maybe if you saw that he still cared, you would accept whatever he could do.

“That’s sweet but I’ll be fine.”

“Look, I have a job coming up. I’ll be gone for a few weeks. Should I cancel it?”

You shook your head and stood up. At the moment, you needed to look away from Sirius’ heartbroken face. You needed to remember the hell that he had put you through.

“ No. I’m not your responsibility anymore.”

Sirius was on his feet and behind you. His hand slowly wrapped around yours.

“Please don’t say it like that. I still love…”

You held a hand up.

“You made your choice. Please. Just go enjoy your life. You haven’t had a fair chance at doing that.”

Sirius slowly turned you in his arms. His heart broke seeing the tears in your eyes. Tears because of him...again

“I made a mistake. I don’t know what I was thinking. Y/n, I’m not me without you.”

He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to your lips. The two of you stood kissing for a few moments. Sirius placed a hand on the side of your cheek to deepen the kiss but you pulled away.

“Stop being mean. Just go.”

You didn’t give Sirius a chance to reply before turning and quickly walking into another room.

(3 weeks later)

Sirius sat in a bar keeping his eyes on one of the death eater targets that he had been watching for the past three weeks. He hadn’t heard from you since the incident at Remus’ house. The memories of the last kiss was the only thing keeping Sirius going. At least you kissed him back. That was nice.

His phone ringing pulled Sirius from his thoughts. Glancing down, he sighed seeing Remus’ name and stood to go outside.

“You called?”

He asked cheekily, hoping to make his friend laugh. Instead, Remus sounded almost panicked.

“You need to come home.”

“What? Why?”

Sirius questioned. Remus quickly cut Sirius off from saying anything else.

“Y/n had the baby.”

Sirius almost dropped the phone as he did mental math real quick to affirm that it was too soon.

“What?!”

He yelled. Remus took a deep breath needing to calm himself down in order to talk to Sirius.

“She passed out this morning. I came down for breakfast and she was sitting at the piano. I asked her what was wrong and she said she felt so strange then passed out. When we got to the hospital, the doctor couldn't do anything to stop the labor.”

Sirius was about to panic!

“What the hell happened? Is she okay? The baby? Talk to me Remus because I am about to take out a lot of people in this bar to get outside.”

“The baby is fine. The doctor has her in intensive care. Y/n...she hasn’t woken back up. The doctors are doing everything and I don’t know what is going to happen but you need to be here in case…”

Sirius rubbed a hand over his face.

“I’ll be there in five minutes.”

Remus had barely hung up the phone when Sirius came running around the corner. Sirius looked close to losing whatever sense of self that he had left.

“I need to see her!”

Remus reached out and put his hands on Sirius’ shoulders.

“The doctor is in there right now. It may be a bit.”

“Fuck that!”

Sirius snapped. Remus tightened his hold on Sirius’ shoulders.

“I want you to listen to me, Sirius. I need you to calm down.”

Sirius shook his head. There was no calming down. He wasn’t going to calm down until he knew that the love of his life was going to make it. Sirius wouldn’t be able to make it without you. He might as well throw himself out of the hospital window.

Remus took another breath.

“Your daughter needs you. Whatever crazy is going through your head...you need to put it on hold and think about your child. Come on, you can at least see her until Y/n is free.”

Sirius was shaking as Remus tried to push him down the hallway. How did Remus expect him to keep a grasp on reality at the moment? How in the actual hell was that going to happen? Sirius had lost Matilda and now he could lose you…

Stepping into the nursery, Sirius had to practically be pushed by Remus until Tonks came into his view. She sat a few feet away holding a small little bundle.

Tonks immediately smiled seeing her cousin. The expression of crazy on his face made her freeze for a moment before she mentioned him over.

“She’s just fine. A little on the small side but the doctor thinks after a few weeks she will be fine. Now hold your arms out.”

Sirius’ eyes widened as he stared at Tonks like she was insane. All of the horrible information that Sirius had received in such a short amount of time was making his PTSD go crazy. Tonks softened her tone.

“Now don’t be scared of a little girl. She’s darling.”

Tonks placed the baby in the crook of Sirius’ arm as he looked down slowly. The baby was tiny! Tiny was a bit of an understatement. Sirius felt somewhat better the moment that the baby yawned and snuggled closer to him.

“Look at that, already knows her daddy.”

Tonks said with a smile. Sirius tightened the blanket around the little girl automatically fearing that the air was too much.

“Are they sure that she is okay?”

He asked, nervously. Tonks nodded.

“We just need to keep her extra warm.”

“She needs her mother.”

Sirius said, sadly. Tonks' happy expression faded as she laid her head on Sirius’ shoulder.

“Her mother will be with her when she can. Have the two of you thought of a name?”

Sirius nodded.

“Aurora.”

Tonks turned her attention to the nurse who was writing the name down. She didn’t have to look at the nurse any closer to know the women clearly recognized Sirius. Her wary expression told Tonks everything that she needed to know.

“He’s the father.”

Tonks explained as the nurse nodded and stepped out of the room. Turning back to Sirius, Tonks motioned to the empty chair.

“Sit down and unbutton your shirt a bit. You’ll be able to keep her plenty warm.”

For the next hour, Tonks and Remus sat quietly watching Sirius hold his new daughter with an expression of awe and panic on his face.

Remus leaned over with a smirk.

“If that baby cries, she will scare him to death.”

Tonks grinned.

“I never thought that I would see big bad Sirius Black scared of a baby girl.”

Remus glanced down at his watch before turning to Sirius.

“We should be able to see Y/n now. Tonks will stay with Aurora.”

Sirius didn’t want to give up the baby but at the same time, he needed to get to you. Standing, he slowly put Aurora back into Tonks waiting arms. The little girl shot him a small sneer due to being moved from the warm spot that she was in.

“It will be okay.”

Tonks said, soothingly as Sirius turned and followed Remus back down the maternity ward.

The doctor was stepping out of the room as Remus and Sirius walked up. Remus decided that he would be the one to do the talking. Sirius definitely wasn’t in any condition to say anything that made sense.

“How is my sister?”

The older woman nodded politely.

“Her conditions are improving. Why she is not waking up, I don’t know. Right now, I am afraid it is just a waiting game. You’re welcome to go in now”

Remus waited until the doctor walked away before turning to Sirius.

“You should go in.”

Sirius didn’t wait for Remus to say another word before storming in. His heart sank the moment that he looked at you. You looked so tiny in the hospital bed. The sight of you hooked up to a bunch of machines was almost more than Sirius could handle.

He quickly knelt down beside you and took your hand in his. Your skin was so cold...so cold and so pale. Sirius pressed his lips to your hand before moving to your wrist.

“Come on, sweetheart. You can’t bail out on me now.”

Sirius stood up enough to press a soft kiss to your icy lips. This had to be the most painful kiss that he had ever had. Your lips weren’t soft and warm like usual. Sirius didn’t want to think about how it felt like he was kissing a corpse.

I can’t think like this!

He snapped in his mind before sinking back to his knees beside you. If he had to sit like this for the rest of forever he would.

_____

@brokencasbutt67-writer

@authoressskr

@fandom-trash-worth-it

@hankypranky

@summer-novak

@li0nh34rt

@tas898

@marichromatic

@maggioli-m

@sprnaturallover

@emiwrites3reads

@mycuddlycorner

@stuckinsaudi1

@knight-of-gleefulness

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts

@deanwherescas

@wontlookaway

@untoldshortsofthefandoms

#Sirius Black #Sirius Black X reader #Remus Lupin #nympadora tonks #remus x tonks #Harry Potter #harry potter fan fiction #harry potter au #sirius orion black #sirius black au #ben barnes as sirius black #andrew garfield as remus lupin #Second chance #second chance update

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seijch · 3 years

Text

ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌

#did i have an announcement tag #announcement #also regarding work hsjkdfsd the company i work for didnt give my location the opening for the full time position i wanted #my managers all agree id be promoted if we had it but we dont so i . hee .#anyway um i hope everyones doing well #some of my moots changed urls while i was away and now i have no idea who anyone is #its like when you see your familys friends and theyre like omg youre so big now! i remember when you were a baby and youre like 🧍‍♂️#and you have to play along bc apparently they remember you hskdfsd #im not very funny in this post but i figured id rather be honest considering my lengthy absence #consider this my comeback stage

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oswildin · 4 years

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Wanderer {Dhawan!Doctor x F!Reader}

~ I know it’s been so long... I’m so sorry! I’ve just been so caught up in life and situations going on in the world. I will try and do some requests since I have some motivation, but I think I’m going to be writing when I want rather than when I need to if that makes sense... I hope you are all staying safe and well during this madness in the world. Please donate to any BLM organisations if you can and raise awareness. ~

Summary: The Doctor’s just regenerated... Into a face he knows too well...

The Doctor stumbled, falling about the TARDIS, regaining his energy as he clutched onto the console. Gasping he realised his ship was once again...

“Crashing!”

He exclaimed, yelping slightly at sparks that flew in his direction from the panels.

“Why does this happen every time!?” He questioned aloud, not taking any notice of the fact there was in fact no one with him. “Why can’t you just land when I’m in a crisis?! Why is it always crashing?! What is with the crashing!” He ranted, trying to grasp a nearby lever, as he finally managed to pull it down. He could feel the regeneration energy flowing through his veins as he was thrown back, landing roughly on the hard floor. He hissed as his ship finally settled, humming.

“Thanks for that dear.” He mumbled, groaning as he stayed still for a moment.

You were walking home from work, exhausted from the long day you’d had. You sighed to yourself as you neared your estate, checking your phone briefly to check the time. 7:14pm. Looks like takeout was on the menu.

As you neared your building, you noticed a fog of smoke coming from nearby. You immediately leaped into action, noting it was right next to your home. You really couldn’t be dealing with your home going up in flames. You rounded the corner, finally seeing where the smoke was coming from, coughing as you saw what appeared to be a blue phone box, the door slightly ajar as the smoke was pouring out. You immediately rushed into your apartment building, grabbing a fire extinguisher as you ran back outside, heading towards the box that was lit up by a street light.

You tried to cover your mouth as best you could as you approached, kicking the door open wider as you quickly let off the extinguisher, hoping you were getting the blaze.

The Doctor furrowed his brows as he woke from his slumber. He coughed as he noted the room was covered in smoke.

“Extractor fans on!” He exclaimed, jumping up as he pressed a button on the console, as a breeze rushed through the room, clearing the smoke from within. He wafted his hand through the air as he decided it was best to let the TARDIS clear fully before attempting to do anything. He headed towards the doors, but before he could reach for them, the door flew open, and he was greeted with white foam, covering his clothing as he spluttered.

“Oi!”

You jumped back, dropping the extinguisher in surprise at the voice. Eventually a face appeared as you furrowed your brows.

“Do you mind?!” The person asked, looking down at his clothing, unimpressed.

“What do you mean do I mind?! There was smoke!” You cried. “Never mind that what the hell were you doing in there?!”

“This is my ship!” The man exclaimed, disgruntled as he stepped out, waving the smoke away as he closed the door behind him. “And I know there was smoke! Suppose it was my fault really. Wasn’t really looking where I was crashing.” You raised a brow, confused by the mans words.

“Mate, this is a police box.” You folded your arms. “Never seen it before either. Dunno why the police are bothering with this thing. We’ve all got mobiles now. Bit outdated really.” The man suddenly looked offended, before turning to the box.

“Don’t listen to her.” He muttered quietly as you blinked at him. “Where am I?” He asked, turning back to you.

“Er, London... Heavy evening was it?” You laughed, wondering if the man was intoxicated.

“Something like that.” He shrugged.

“Look, sorry about your clothes.” You gestured to his white covered outfit. “Do you live nearby?”

“Not really.” He muttered. “Don’t really live anywhere actually. Bit of a wanderer.”

“Is that a hipster way of saying homeless?” You raised a brow, a small smile on your lips. He seemed to think about it for a moment, as you noted something was obviously on his mind. “Right. I’ve got some spare clothes at mine. Considering I ruined yours, I may as well give you something clean to wander in.”

You unlocked the door to your flat, letting yourself in with the stranger following behind. He seemed harmless. It probably wasn’t the brightest idea you’d had but you felt bad. Plus the big brown eyes he was giving you didn’t help.

“Wait here whilst I go grab the clothes.” You told him as he nodded, watching you leave him as you went into another room. He pursed his lips as he turned to see a mirror on the wall in the hallway. He stepped up to it, finally able to see his new appearance. He looked surprised and confused.

“What?” He muttered, putting his hands up to his face, pushing his cheeks about. “Why would I choose this face?” He furrowed his brows, eyes scanning the face that was staring back at him. “Or did he steal my face.... That sounds like something he would do...”

You cleared your throat, seeing the man staring at himself in the mirror, mumbling away. You couldn’t make sense of a word he was saying. He was quite strange. He definitely the ‘strange’ in ‘stranger’.

“If you’re done admiring yourself...” You held out the clothes in your hands as he cleared his own throat awkwardly, before bounding towards you. He stared down at them, before taking off his now ill-fitted grey jacket, throwing it on the floor as you watched irritated that he had just disregarded his dirty clothes on your clean hallway floor. He reached for his shirt, going to take it off as you stopped him.

“Woah, woah, woah!” You exclaimed, laughing lightly. “Please don’t undress in front of me.” You pleaded, pushing the clothes into his hands and shoving him into your bedroom to change, closing the door behind you. You let out a breath as you shook your head at the mans antics.

A few minutes later the man reappeared, wearing the clothes you gave him. You wolf whistled jokingly as he looked confused. You rolled your eyes before offering him some water.

“So, what’s your name wanderer?” You asked, peering at him as you handed him the glass.

“The Doctor.” He told you. “I think. Although with this face I’m not too sure.” He paused. “Getting mixed signals.” He frowned as you nodded slowly.

“Okay... Funny name. Wandered so much you don’t even have a name?” You teased, as he watched you closely. “I’m (Y/N).” You told him.

“Why do you have men’s clothes?” He asked, as you laughed.

“My exes.” You told him. “Left some here. I’m not gonna use them so you can have them if you want.” You shrugged, taking a sip of water.

“Do you often let strange men into your home?” He asked bluntly as you nearly choked on your drink. You gave him an insulted glare.

“What are you insinuating?” You asked defensively. He immediately looked taken back by your harsh tone. “Do I seem like the type to just let random blokes into my home?” He gawped awkwardly, trying to find the right words in his brain.

“I-I just meant-“ He sighed, shaking his head. “Look social activities aren’t really my area of expertise.” He admitted.

“Neither are they mine!” You exclaimed, as he seemed to mentally facepalm at his choice of words.

“That’s not what I meant either!” He sighed. “I just meant I’m socially awkward.” He commented. “I mean at least I think I am.”

“I’d say so yeah.” You laughed lightly. There was a moment of silence between you two. “So... A wanderer huh?”

The strange man, the Doctor, told you of his adventures. You obviously didn’t believe him. He didn’t quite seem right... You just nodded and smiled awkwardly as he spoke. But little did you know, your beliefs were all about to change...

That was 3 months ago. The man who called himself ‘The Doctor’ stumbled into your life. You got caught up in his wanders. It was a life you could’ve never even imagine. It was wonderful, scary, exciting, dangerous and most of all... Amazing. He was amazing. You would often chuckled to yourself at how you thought he was insane at first. But now you knew his life, and that it was all real... He was rather sane considering his lifestyle.

“When you were in my flat... The first time we met...”

You began, grabbing the aliens attention as he peered up from the console.

“You were rambling about your face...” You raised a brow. “About how it isn’t your face?” His eyes darkened for a moment before he forced a smile.

“My people, we have this trick... To cheat death.” He began. “We change our bodies... Our faces to survive. We call it regeneration.” You nodded, listening to him.

“But you said about someone else... And how he may have stolen your face?” You pressed, curious. He sighed, before leaning on the console, facing you.

“I had an old friend. Well, I say friend loosely.” He sounded bitter. “He was like me.” He looked down at you. “He could change his face... And this face you see now... Was his.” He admitted.

“And... now it’s yours?” You asked, confused slightly.

“Not literally. I mean looks wise. And I don’t know whether I chose this face for a specific reason, or whether he stole it from me... Whether he chose it because he knew it was mine.” He rambled as you listened intently. “Lets just say he wasn’t the nicest of people.” You smiled slightly at him.

“Well, whatever the answer is...” You paused. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. And either way, you’re still the Doctor.” You smiled. “Maybe it’s to remind you to never become like him...” You suggested. “I know you lost people very close to you. And maybe it’s there to remind you to be the best you can be, rather than giving into the grief and rage.” The Doctor stared at you, his lips twitching into a small smile.

“Oh (Y/N).” He sighed. “Always so insightful.” He complimented as you smirked.

“Oh you know, I’m wiser than I look.” You teased.

The Doctor stood over the creature, anger racing through his veins. He was shaking from rage. You’d never seen him like this. He was... Terrifying. You felt your heart rate increase at the thunderous look in his eyes...

“You were going to kill every single living thing on this planet!” He hissed. “Burn it all down to the ground! And for what? Hmm?” He raised a brow. “Profit!?” You swallowed the lump in your throat as you looked at the creature, it was cowering in fear from the man before him.

“Doctor...” You called, trying to get his attention. You could see his shoulders moving up and down with his heavy breathing. “Doctor, please can we go?” You asked, voice wavering. He seemed to relax slightly at your voice, as he blinked, looking down at the creature. “Remember what you told me... Back in the TARDIS a little while ago now... How you thought you chose this face for a reason?” You tried, as you noticed he had relaxed further, stepping back from over the creature. “To be better than him. To never be like him.” You slowly stepped towards him. “And right now... I don’t see the Doctor.” You admitted, tears in your eyes as he slowly turned to look at you.

The thunderous stare had gone, left only were those big brown eyes you recognised. You gave him a watery smile as held out your hand.

“Let’s go. He’s learnt his lesson.” You glanced at the creature who was shuffling away from the pair. The Doctor tightened his jaw as he accepted your hand, leading the way back to his ship as he left the creature behind.

You entered the control room, seeing the Doctor sat on the steps, staring at nothing as you bit your lip. You cautiously approached him, perching yourself beside him as he didn’t turn to look at you.

“I’m sorry.” He said quietly. “I never wanted you to see me like that.” Your heart ached for him as you reached out, placing your hand on his own.

“We all have bad days.” You said gently. “Hell I have a lot of them. We all make mistakes, Doctor... It’s how we overcome them.” You told him sincerely. “You could’ve gone further... But you didn’t.” You squeezed his hand. “And that’s the kind of man you are.” He peered down before turning to look at you. “You’ve done more good than bad in this universe, and for me that’s enough to determine who you are and what you stand for.” He gave you a small smile.

“Oh, what would I do without you?” He joked, as you pursed your lips.

“Hmmm... Flail around the universe, lost and very bored.” You laughed, as he smiled wider. “That old friend of yours....” You paused. “What happened?”

And so he told you of his history with the Master. You could understand his complex of having the mans face. You’d probably feel the same if you suddenly had your greatest enemies face.

“I’m sorry.” You told him. “For everything.”

“What are you apologising for?” He furrowed his brows.

“For what the universe has handed to you over the years.” You shrugged. “I dunno... Just... Everything.” You sighed. “But it all happens for a reason. Even if you don’t believe in all that, it really does. Everything happens to teach us a lesson in life.” He nodded at your words.

“It’s getting late, you should probably head to bed.” He told you, giving you a small smile.

“You sure you don’t want the company?” You asked. He shook his head.

“Na. I’m fine. I’m always ok. King of ok.” He smiled as you returned it.

“Okay! If you want me to leave you alone I will!” You teased.

“Thank you.” He said sincerely. “I’m glad I met you.” He smiled, a smile that made your heart stop for a second.

“As you should be.” You smirked, as you leant over and gave him a kiss on the cheek before getting up and heading to bed.

“I am.” He muttered to himself as you left, smiling as he watched you leave. “I really am.”

#doctor who #doctor who imagine #dr who #dhawan!master #fanfic #sacha dhawan #doctor x reader #dhawan!doctor #dhawan!doctor x reader #d!doctor #oneshot #the doctor #dw #master x reader #Spotify

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tylerwritez · 3 years

Text

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪 like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

#JudeJournals

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greatfay · 3 years

Note

controversial opinions?

Cold pizza actually not good. Tastes like angry bacteria.

There’s a completely separate class of gay men who are in a different, rainbow-tinted plane of reality from the rest of us and I don’t like them. They push for “acceptance” via commercialization of the Pride movement, assimilation through over-exposure, and focus on sexualizing the movement to be “provocative” and writing annoying articles that reek of class privilege instead of something actually important like lgbtqa youth homelessness, job discrimination, and mental health awareness.

Coleslaw is good. You guys just suck in the kitchen.

Generational divides ARE real: a 16-year-old and a 60-year-old right now in 2021 could agree on every hot button sociopolitical topic and yet not even realize it because they communicate in entirely different ways.

Sam Wilson is a power bottom. No I will not elaborate.

Allison’s makeover in The Breakfast Club good, not bad. She kept literally and metaphorically dumping her trash out onto the table and it’s clearly a cry for help. Having the attention and affection of a smart, pretty girl doing her makeup for her was sweet and helped her open up to new experiences. Not every loner wants to BE a loner (see: Bender, who is fine being a lone wolf).

Movie/show recommendations that start with a detailed “representation” list read like status-effecting gear in an RPG and it’s actually a turn-off for me. I have to force myself to give something a try in spite of it.

Yelling at people to just “learn a new language” because clearly everyone who isn’t you and your immediate vicinity of friends must be a lazy ignorant white American is so fucking stupid, like I get it, you’re mad someone doesn’t immediately know how to pronounce your name or what something means. But I know 2 languages and am struggling with a 3rd when I can between 2 jobs and quite frankly, I don’t have the time to just absorb the entire kanji system into my brain to learn Japanese by tomorrow night, or suddenly learn Arabic or Welsh. There are 6500 recorded languages in the world, what’s the chance that one of 3 I’ve learn(ed?) is the one you’re yelling at me about. Yes this is referring to that post yelling at people for not knowing how to pronounce obscure Irish names and words. Sometimes just explaining something instead of admonishing people for not knowing something inherently in the belief that everyone must be lazy entitled privileged people is uh... better?

Stop fucking yelling at people. I despise feeling like someone is yelling at me or scolding me, it triggers my Violence Mode, you don’t run me, you are not God, fuck off. Worst fucking way to "educate” people, it just feels good in the moment to say or write and doesn’t help. Yes I’ve done it before.

Violence is good actually.

Characters doing bad things ≠ an endorsement of bad things. Characters doing bad things that are unquestioned by the entire rest of the cast = endorsement of bad things, or at the least, a power fantasy by the creator. See: Glee, in which Sue’s awfulness is constantly called out, while Mr. Shue’s awfulness rarely is because he’s “the hero.” See also: the Lightbringer series, in which the protagonist is a violent manipulator who is praised as clever, charming, diplomatic, and genius by every supporting character (enemies included), despite the text never demonstrating such.

Euphoria is good, actually. It falls into this niche of the past decade of “dark gritty teen shows” but actually has substance behind it, but the general vibe I get from passive-aggressive tumblr posts from casual viewers is that this show is The Devil, and the criticism of its racier content screams pearl-clutching “what about the children??” to me.

Describing all diagnosed psychopaths as violent criminals is a damaging slippery slope, sure. But I won’t be mad at anyone for inherently distrusting another human who does not have the ability to feel guilt and remorse, empathy, is a pathological liar, or proves to be cunning and manipulative.

It’s actually not easy to unconditionally support and love everyone everywhere when you’ve actually experienced the World. Your perspective and values will be challenged as you encounter difficult people, experience hardship, are torn between conflicting ideas and commitments, and fail. My vow to never ever call the cops on another black person was challenged when an employee’s boyfriend marched into the kitchen OF AN ESTABLISHMENT to scream at her, in a BUSINESS I MANAGED, and threaten to BEAT the SHIT out of her. Turns out I can hate cops and hate that motherfucker equally, I am more than capable of both.

Defending makeup culture bad, actually. Enjoy it, experiment, master it, but don’t paint it as something other than upholding exactly what they want from you. Even using makeup to “defy the heteropatriarchal oppressors!” is still putting cash in their pockets, no matter how camp...

Not every villain needs to be redeemed, some of you just never outgrew projecting yourself onto monsters and killers.

Writing teams and networks queerbaiting is not the same as individuals queerbaiting. Nick Jonas performing exclusively at gay clubs to generate an audience really isn’t criminal; if they paid to go see him, that’s on them, he didn’t promise anyone anything other than music and a show. Do not paint this as similar to wealthy, bigoted executives and writing teams trying to snatch up the LGBTQA demographic with vague ass marketing and manipulative screenplays, only to cop out so as not to alienate their conservative audiences. And ESPECIALLY when the artists/actors/creators accused of queerbaiting or lezploitation then come out as queer in some form later on.

Queer is not a bad word, and I’ve no clue how that remains one of few words hurled at LGBTQA people that can’t be reclaimed. It’s so archaic and underused at this point that I don’t get the reaction to it compared to others.

People who defend grown-woman Lorelai Gilmore’s childish actions and in the same breath heavily criticize teenage religious abuse victim Lane Kim’s actions are not to be trusted. Also Lane deserved better.

Keep your realism out of my media, or at least make it tonally consistent. Tired of shows and movies and books where some gritty, dark shit comes out of nowhere when the narrative was relatively Romantic beforehand.

Actually people should be writing characters different from themselves, this new wave in the past year of “If you aren’t [X] you shouldn’t be writing [X]” is a complete leap backward from the 2010s media diversity movement. And if [X] has to do with an invisible minority status (not immediately visible disabilities, or diverse sexual orientations and gender identities, persecuted religious affiliations, mental illness) it’s actually quite fucked up to assume the creator can’t be whatever [X] is or to demand receipts or details of someone’s personal life to then grant them “permission” to create something. I know, we’re upset an actual gay actor wasn’t casted to play this gay character, so let’s give them shit about it: and not lose a wink of sleep when 2 years later, this very actor comes out and gives a detailed account of the pressure to stay closeted if they wanted success in Hollywood.

Projecting an actor’s personal romantic life and gender identity onto the characters they play is actually many levels of fucked up, and not cute or funny. See: reinterpreting every character Elliot Page has played through a sapphic lens, and insulting his ability to play straight characters while straight actors play actual caricatures of us (See also: Jared Leto. Fuck him).

I’m fucking sick of DaBaby, he sucks. “I shot somebody, she suck my peepee” that’s 90% of whatever he raps about.

“Political Correctness” is not new. It was, at one point, unacceptable to walk into a fine establishment and inform the proprietor that you love a nice firm pair of tits in your face. 60 years ago, such a statement would get you throw out and possibly arrested under suspicion of public intoxication. But then something happened and I blame Woodstock and Nixon. And now I have to explain to a man 40 years my senior that no, you can’t casually mention to the staff here, many of whom are children, how you haven’t had a good fuck in a while. And then rant about the “Chinese who gave us the virus.” Can’t be that upset with them if you then refused to wear your mask for 20 minutes.

Triggering content should not have a blanket ban; trigger warnings are enough, and those who campaign otherwise need to understand the difference between helping people and taking away their agency. 13 Reasons Why inspired this one. Absolutely shitty show, sure, but it’s a choice to watch it knowing exactly what it contains.

Sasuke’s not a fucking INTJ, he’s an ISFP whose every decision is based off in-the-moment feelings and proves incapable of detailed and logical planning to accomplish his larger goals.

MCU critique manages to be both spot-on and pointless. Amazing stories have been told with these characters over the course of decades; but most of it is toilet paper. Expecting a Marvel movie to be a deeply detailed examination of American nationalism and imperialism painted with a colorful gauze of avant-garde film technique is like expecting filet mignon from McDonalds. Scarf down your quarter pounder or gtfo.

Disparagingly comparing the popularity and (marginal) success of BLM to another movement is anti-black. It is not only possible but also easy to ask for people’s support without throwing in “you all supported BLM for black people but won’t show support for [insert group]” how about you keep our name out your mouth? Black people owe the rest of the world nothing tbh until yall root out the anti-blackness in your own communities.

It is the personal demon/tragic flaw of every cis gay/bi/pan man to externalize and exorcize Shame: I’m talking about the innate compulsion to Shame, especially in the name of Pride and Progress. Shame for socioeconomic “success,” shame for status of outness, shame for fitness and health, shame for looks, shame for style and dress, shame for how one fits into the gender binary, shame for sexual positions and intimacy preferences, shame for fucking music tastes. Put down the weapon that They used to beat you. Becoming the Beater is not growth, it’s the worst-case scenario.

Works by minorities do not have to be focused on their marginalized identities. Some ladies want to ride dragons AND other ladies. The pressure on minorities to create the Next Great Minority Character Study that will inevitably get snuffed at the Oscars/Peabody Awards is some bullshit when straight white dudes walk around shitting out mediocre screenplays and books.

Canadians can stfu about how the US is handling COVID-19 actually. Love most of yall, but the number of Canadian snowbirds on vacation (VACATION??? VA.CAT.ION.) in the supposed “hotbed” of my region that I’ve had to inform our mask policies and social distancing to is ASTOUNDING. Incroyable! I guess your country has a sizable population of entitled, privileged, inconsiderate, wealthy, and ignorant people making things difficult for everyone, just like mine :)

No trick to eliminate glasses fog while wearing my mask has worked, not a single one, it actually has affected my job and work speed and is incredibly frustrating, and I have to deal with it and pretend it’s not a problem while still encouraging others to follow the rules for everyone’s safety and the cognitive dissonance is driving me insane.

It’s really really really not anti-Japanese... to be uncomfortable with the rampant pedophilia in manga and anime, and voice this. I really can’t compare western animation’s sneakier bullshit with pantyshots of a 12-year-old girl.

Most of the people in the cottagecore aesthetic/tag have zero interest in all the hard work that comes with maintaining an isolated property in the countryside, milking cows and tending crops before sunrise, etc. And that’s okay? They just like flowers and pretty pottery and homemade pastries. Idk where discourse about this came from.

You think mint chip ice-cream tastes like toothpaste because you’re missing a receptor that can distinguish the flavors, and that sucks for you. It’s a sort of “taste-blindness” that can make gum spicy to some while others can eat a ghost pepper without crying.

Being a spectacle for the oppressive class doesn’t make them respect us, it makes them unafraid of us. This means they continue to devour us, but without fear of our retaliation.

Only like 4 people on tumblr dot com are actually prepared for the full ramifications of an actual revolution. The rest of you just really imprinted onto Katniss, or grew up in the suburbs.

Straight crushes are normal. They’re people first, sexual orientation second. Can’t always know.

The road to body positivity is not easy, especially if what you desire is what you aren’t.

You’re actually personally responsible for not voluntarily bringing yourself into an environment that you know is not fit for you unless you have the resolve to manage it. Can’t break a glass ceiling without getting a few cuts. This one’s a shoutout to my homophobic temp coworkers who decided working a venue with a drag show would be a good idea. This is also is a shoutout to people who want to make waves but are surprised when the boat tips. And also a shoutout to people who—wait that’s it’s own controversial opinion hold up.

Straight people can and should stay the fuck out of gay bars and queer spaces. “yoUrE bEInG diVisiVe” go fuck yourself.

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mysterious-foxes · 3 years

Text

TW: Death, Drugs, Emotional manipulation/gaslighting

I don’t want to go back and edit anything, but this took way longer than I thought it would while trying to write it out. This is for documentation purposes and some entertainment if you want to hear about a psychotic woman that came into my life. Here ya go:

Okay, now that I’m home, I’ve eaten, given both dogs love (and bf took them on a walk), and I have New Girl on in the background, I’m ready to write out this crazy rant. Feel free to skip if you don’t want to read this LONG story or for whatever other reason you wouldn’t want to read it. I’ll add a ‘read more’ so that this doesn’t take up everyone’s timeline. I will say this though, if someone had told me this was going to happen a year ago, I never would have believed them, but everything I’m writing is 100% true.

If you are here to read my crazy rant about this fucking insane lady, welcome! I hope you find this as funny/interesting as I am currently. This is also a very emotional subject for me so while I might be thinking it’s funny now before I write it, I may go through a range of emotions while writing this. Such as anger, sadness, bewilderment, confusion, etc.

A little bit of a background. I am the youngest of 6 kids. I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers. I’m going to give them all code names using the color of the rainbow. Oldest to youngest is Red (f), Orange (f), Yellow (m), Green (m), Blue (m). Red and all 3 brothers are married (Yellow has been with her girlfriend for 3+ years). Blue only just got married a couple of months ago. I have 4 nephews (2 from Yellow and his wife, 2 from Green and his wife) and 2 nieces (both from Red and her husband). My mom and dad were married for over 30 years. They would never show much (if any) form of PDA in front of us kids and I never once saw them fight. My dad has always been quiet and never talked much. And he never really built a good relationship with us kids, especially those of us who have left the religion he believes in which is 4 1/2 out of 6 (I’m still unsure of Blue’s complete views and I don’t think he even knows. I wouldn’t be surprised if him and his wife left the religion within the next few years, even if it’s just secretly). My mom passed away a year and just a few days ago (on Green’s birthday). I miss her more than anything.

A little about my mom (again, for background). She was a great lady. She was also religious. She was extremely involved in the community, her church community, volunteered a ton (served on the local softball board for 17 years and did anything and everything for my high school’s theatre even after I was gone). She put everyone ahead of herself (especially us kids). She also pushed through any pain she had. About 2 years ago, she realized she was really sick and needed help. Doctors could not figure out for the life of them what was wrong with her. They took out her gall bladder. They put her on diets. I honestly don’t even know what else. About 6 months later, they found the problem and delivered the news. She had pancreatic cancer and it was severe. They gave her 6 months to live. We made the most of those 6 months. I was going out to my family’s a lot more than I had in a while. Red flew out and stayed for a few months. All of my siblings were there when she passed. Oof, I got a lot more into that than I meant to, but I feel like it gives a pretty good background about her. I told you this would be long.

Okay, so now we’re to where I can start talking about this insane lady. So for obvious reasons, my dad was very lonely. In May, my dad gives me a call and tells me he’s been talking to a woman (we’ll call her Ethel). Well, it felt soon, but I was happy my dad was finding comfort. He met her (get this) on an LDS widow and widowers facebook page. She lived in Oregon and he was going out to meet her in person and spend time with her for a week or 2. Awesome! Way to go Dad! Live your best life and make yourself happy!

He comes back and we start talking about when she’ll come to visit. Well Ethel has a sister (who lives in a city about an hour from my dad’s house) needs to have heart surgery Ethel needs to watch her cat. So Ethel comes to Utah and stays at my dad’s house for a couple of days. A few of us kids go out and have dinner with them to meet her. I was the first one there. Upon first meeting her, she talked, A LOT. She talked the majority of the time. It didn’t take long to realize that she had something to say about EVERYTHING and she seemed like she though she was the expert in EVERYTHING. For example one of the most recent times I talked to her, she was talking to me about the theatre I work at (which is a $31 billion theatre, super high tech and honestly they do pretty well). When I mean she was talking to me, I mean SHE was talking (she doesn’t let other people talk very much if at all. Only for “I’m sorry, that must be hard” or “I agree with you”). Well, she hasn’t been to the theatre I work at, but she’s been to their location in another nearby city which puts on a lot smaller productions and doesn’t have even 1/10th the amount of tech. They don’t put on nearly as good of productions. Well, Ethel tells me, “I’ve never been to a Broadway show, but I think that they’re as good as Broadway.” Like what?! HAHAHAHA. How can you even say that? You know absolutely nothing about it and you’re saying that!

Now, we’ve all met her, but she doesn’t really know the first thing about any of us kids. She asked me one question and then took over the conversation as soon as I got 2 words in. She did ask us all in a group about my mom (which was super awkward). We mentioned my mom was very charitable and she goes, “Oh I’m charitable person!” Who the fuck says that? And comparing herself to my deceased mother (who both her and my dad have “reassured” us time and time again that she’s not trying to replace). She constantly says how much like my mom she is or what she’s done better than my mom. HUGE RED FLAG. How desperate do you have to be to try to one up a dead person?!

In Ethel’s constant talking, she talks about her children and family members a lot. She talks a lot about how her husband passed and her brother passed and someone else passed all pretty quickly. She talks about her brother passing basically every time I talk to her. Now you might think it’s sweet she talks about her family, but it’s not. She doesn’t talk good things about any of her family. She talks about all the mental illnesses they all have. Her children refuse to meet my dad (or so she claims). And she doesn’t talk to any of her 3 children at this point. Another huge red flag.

So Ethel was here to take care of her sister and her sister’s cat while she was in the hospital. Well, turns out her doctor couldn’t do it the day they had planned, so it got pushed back. Then her sister desperately needed to go shopping so she had to push back her HEART surgery again. And I think one time she couldn’t go because her feet hurt from diabetes? There were a few different things. So Ethel is staying at my dad’s house this entire time. My dad’s very religious and so they’re not having sex, sleeping in the same bed, or even sleeping on the same floor. My dad is staying downstairs while she sleeps in his room. Finally, a month later, her sister goes in for surgery. Ethel is gone from my dad’s house for 2 days. To be fair, my dad wasn’t feeling good and had an infection in his tooth so was in a lot of pain. So yes, I get why she wanted to come support her new boyfriend, but also, my dad had plenty of children close enough to take care of him and she was supposed to be taking care of her sister’s cat. She stays at my dad’s house for another 3-4 days before going back to her sister’s. She gets back and to her surprise (but nobody else’s), the cat is missing. I also would have ran away if I thought I was abandoned and needed to scavenge for my own food since I haven’t been fed in days.

Finally, Ethel is going back to Oregon. Orange and my dad take her to the airport. On the way home, my dad mentions to Orange that they’re talking about getting married. Wow! Less than 9 months since my dad’s wife of 30+ years passed and he’s already ready to get married to another woman. What the fuck?! How is he over my mom already? I get wanting companionship, but holy fuck that’s quick! So I call my dad. My Aunt J had already chewed out my dad telling him that he’s moving too quick and not thinking about us kids (which is not wrong). And I guess she told him just to have sex and get it over with. I know my sisters also called my dad just before me. I called my dad and told him I was uncomfortable with how quick they were moving and I didn’t understand why they felt the need to move so quick. He just kept saying that it’s different when you’re older....I told him the 2 reasons that I could think that they were moving so quick is that she’s a gold digger or that they wanted to have sex (which come to find out that she claims she never had sex with her deceased husband and hated sex when she had it with her ex but I don’t know if she ever told my dad that because some of the things he has said to her is questionable). He assured me that was neither. Sure Dad...

I know I’m kinda all over the place here, but bear with me. So my Aunt J reached out to Ethel’s children. Only the oldest daughter responded (which Ethel claims is a liar and manipulative and basically the worst person on earth). So at this point, for I feel like pretty obvious reasons, I don’t trust much of what Ethel says and will most likely take her daughter’s word over hers. My aunt didn’t want to say everything and wanted us to reach out to the daughter personally, but she did tell us that the first thing that Ethel told her children when she met my dad was that she met a guy with a 401k. Who the fuck talks about that first?! Not even his name or where he’s from, but that he has money...So Orange ends up reaching out to Ethel’s oldest daughter. Ethel has said that her oldest daughter is a liar and manipulator and is basically the worst person in the world. I don’t know how someone can say that about their own child that they claim to love so much. Anyways, so Orange is pretty level headed and took everything that the daughter said with a grain of salt. But the daughter said some nice things and honestly made us feel better about Ethel all around. One of the things that Ethel has said on multiple occasions is that her children refuse to meet my dad. Well, when Orange talked to the daughter, she said that she was more than happy to meet my dad and talk to him about Ethel. But again, overall, she did make us feel better and that Ethel actually had feelings for my dad and wasn’t going to gaslight him (turns out that wasn’t accurate). We wanted to be upfront with my dad so Orange told him about the conversation and told him that it made her feel better. My dad told Ethel (including that Orange took what the daughter had to say with a grain of salt and that the daughter made her feel better) that Orange talked to her daughter and Ethel says, “I can’t believe that Orange would believe her lies!” First of all, I trust anything that her daughter says over her in the first place, but that just reaffirmed that. Second, that’s extreme gaslighting and my dad believes it.

Okay, so this has been a lot to write out and a lot more exhausting than I thought it would be. I’ve taken week long breaks (if not more) at a time, so I don’t know if I’ll forget to say something or if I’ll go in a different direction than I was originally planning for the next paragraphs but hopefully this is all entertaining enough. It won’t be all in chronological order, but I’m doing my best.

So after all of this, my dad tells us that we should go through my mom’s stuff that’s in the house that we want. Until you’ve done that shortly after the death of a loved one, you don’t know how exhausting it is. The first time was on a weekend that almost all of my siblings were able to be there. We video chatted my sister who couldn’t be there since she lives across the country. So we split up all of the big stuff. There’s some big furniture that people couldn’t currently take. Like I live in a tiny 1 bed apt and I couldn’t fit a piano, dresser, and vanity all in my apartment (let alone just one of them). So those are staying there until I can buy a house (which hopefully will be across the country). I was going out every Sunday to go through everything. I was a little petty and at one point was going through a box that had a bunch of church stuff in it right in front of my dad and kept asking him if he wanted the church things. My dad said we had plenty of time to go through things and take what we wanted so we were only doing what we felt was necessary and then would take our time from there.

One of the things that my dad and Ethel claimed was that their deceased spouses were trying to get them together...if anyone knows my mom, that’s definitely not true. I don’t know how my dad doesn’t see my mom would have hated Ethel. Her, Green’s wife, and myself would be gossiping so much about Ethel. Plus, one of my mom’s wishes when she passed was that if my dad got remarried then all of us kids would like his new wife. Not a single one of us like her. So not only is my dad completely oblivious to the fact my mom wouldn’t like her, he doesn’t uphold to one of her dying wishes.

So Ethel comes back to Utah. I don’t remember quite why. But she stayed at my dad’s. It was supposed to be temporary and she was supposed to stay somewhere else for most of the time she was here. Then she kept making excuses as to why she wasn’t leaving Utah and not staying somewhere else. There was one point where she was supposed to drive back to Oregon, but her car “broke down” about 7 (I think) hours from my dad’s house, but probably somewhere in the middle of the drive. So my dad being the good guy that he is drove out to pick her up and brought her back to his house. Where she has stayed ever since. The only time she’s left since was for their honeymoon. She had come back a couple of months before they were even technically engaged.

Oh my god! I just remembered something I forgot to mention earlier! Ethel and my dad do a LOT of PDA. My parents rarely showed affection in front of us. They rarely kissed in front of us. The most they would do was hold hands. Well Ethel and my dad are full on cuddling in front of us. Which wouldn’t be a big deal if that wasn’t the first thing I ever saw of her when we first met and if they didn’t do it so much in front of us at the beginning and if my parents showed any form of PDA. They also called each other pet names which my parents never did. All in all, it was really weird. AND my dad made a dirty joke which he has never done so to his kids in the 34 years he’s had any of us. I was very taken aback. So they ended up getting officially engaged and wanting to get married ASAP. Blue had been engaged for several months before. We told my dad to not even get engaged before Blue got married...well, they were talking about having a small ceremony in Oregon and inviting only a couple of her friends. No....my dad is not getting married without a single one of his friends or family members. I think enough of us spoke up about that so the idea was quickly shot down. But my dad was talking about getting married within maybe even weeks. We all knew Blue didn’t want him to and that would be taking away from him. So we convinced my dad not to get married before Blue’s wedding. He was unhappy about it, but he waited.

So leading up to their wedding, Ethel kept pushing us to get things out of the house. When we talked to my dad, he would always say that we could take as much time as we need and Ethel would say she never pushed us at all. And whenever I’d come out, I hated being around Ethel and would always go hide in the basement “doing things” until the rest of my siblings came. When I was forced to talk to her by myself, she would just keep talking and talking and not letting me get a word in. I live with my boyfriend and I’m not married so she thinks I just live in sin. She asked me about him once just so that she could say that she has family in the city he grew up in and so on and so forth. She also won’t talk about my sister’s girlfriend. Probably because they live in sin too...anyway, Orange, Green’s wife and myself planned a bridal shower for Blue’s (at the time) fiancée. She didn’t want Ethel there, but it was being hosted at my dad’s and Ethel never left so we couldn’t get around it. Speaking of Blue and his wedding, Blue was supposed to have brunch with his fiancée’s parents and my dad. Before my dad was actually engaged, he brought Ethel along. And Ethel doesn’t even ask, but tells them all that she’ll take care of the ties. Then she goes out and buys some samples before even knowing what the wedding colors are! Blue didn’t want her going to the wedding, let alone doing anything for the wedding. When I get married, Ethel will not be doing anything for my wedding.

Blue’s wedding happens. This is the first time Ethel meets my boyfriend. I don’t think they even said one word. This is also the first time that Yellow and his wife have met Ethel. Now Yellow’s wife got her degree in psychology and is a therapist. She said that Ethel crossed off almost all of the signs of a narcissist. Ethel still hasn’t even met Red and her husband in person (even to this day). Now we’re a month away from my dad’s and Ethel’s wedding...unfortunately. My dad asks me to put together a playlist for their wedding. No thanks, but I’ll do it for my dad. He specifically requested a song by Chicago for her walking down the aisle. Chicago was my mom and dad’s band so I was very upset that my dad would have a song with another woman from the band that him and my mom loved so much. I begrudgingly put together the playlist and added that. However, I didn’t add any other Chicago songs (even though he suggested that). And I made sure any songs I used didn’t mention forever or only love or anything like that. I might be a little petty.

Day of their wedding, I find out that all the decorations Ethel asked for from Green’s wife were from Blue’s rehearsal dinner. She didn’t even ask Blue or his (now) wife if she could use them. She asked Green’s wife...and then when she told Ethel she would have to ask Blue, Ethel said something along the lines “Well his dad paid for them so I can use them.” I don’t think it was quite as snarky as I put it, but that was the message she was trying to get across. My siblings are all hanging out at the dining table before the ceremony. Even though they’re both religious, they were just having a civil wedding in the backyard because if they were to marry in their temple, she would have to divorce her deceased husband (but my dad would be able to be married to multiple women for eternity...not misogynistic at all right? /sarcasm). My dad’s bishop comes in all bright and cheery. He knows quite a bit of my family so he comes and says hi. I don’t think it took long for him to realize we weren’t happy about the wedding. Ethel claims she invited her children (I really don’t think she did). She had a few of her family and friends come to the wedding, but none of her children. We’re pretty sure one of the couples that came was her daughter’s ex husband and his new wife (whom she has said she is closer with her daughter’s ex than her actual daughter).

Okay, so I’m now at the point where I’m going to give information that I don’t 100% remember fits where. Some of it was before their wedding, some of it before they even got engaged, some of it after their wedding. This may just be a bunch of word vomit, so I hope it all makes sense and anyone who happens to still be reading this doesn’t get lost. BTW, if you happen to still be reading this, congratulations on making it this far! I told you this would be a long post.

One of the first times we met Ethel when she was out here the first time we were doing a family dinner. I don’t remember everything we did for the dinner. Green’s wife cooked the main meal. Orange was supposed to be in charge of the Au Gratin Potatoes and something else. Well, I had asked what I could do and had the choice of rolls or salad. In our family group chat, my dad said Ethel wanted to contribute and asked what she could do. I told him I would do the salad and asked if she could do the rolls. Apparently that wasn’t good enough and she wanted to do more so she ended up doing the au gratin potatoes. We specifically wanted our family recipe for the potatoes and Orange had already bought the ingredients for it so she let Ethel know where to find the ingredients. Before I get into what actually happened, one of the things that Ethel boasts about all the time is that she grew up helping her mom with catering and so she knows how to cook really well (I have liked very few of the things she’s cooked). So Ethel doesn’t use our recipe and uses her own for the potatoes...they weren’t very good. And the rolls she brought were terrible store bought rolls. Like, if she doesn’t want to make rolls, whatever, but at least buy decent rolls. Also, rolls are a really easy thing to make to show off to a family you’re trying to impress. I seriously just get the frozen Rhode’s Rolls and then after cooking them melt butter on top of them. Super easy and people are always super impressed with how good they are. So not only does she not use the recipe for potatoes we wanted, her recipe is meh, AND she gets shitty store bought rolls.

At one point, Green’s wife and I were going through the small room upstairs cleaning it out and trying to make sure my sibling’s belongings got in a box for each of them. This is the room that my mom died in. All of my siblings were in this room with her. It is painted dark blue and along the middle of the wall around the room is a trim of wallpaper covered in whales. Ethel and my dad are wanting to turn this room into his home office (especially with how much he’s been working at home due to Covid-19). Which is whatever, they can do what they want. While Green’s wife and I are in there cleaning out the room, Ethel comes in and starts using some sort of tool on the wallpaper that tore small holes in it. She said it was so they could take down the wallpaper easier. I don’t know why she had to do that while we were in there cleaning. It has been a few months since then and she hasn’t done anything else to that room (including taking down the wallpaper). Green’s wife believes she did that while we were in there just to be mean. She actually believes Ethel just likes being mean and does things just to be mean. It’s hard to disagree with that considering everything else.

I don’t know why I didn’t say something about this earlier when I was writing about how Orange and my Aunt J had spoken to Ethel’s daughter. There were some things that they talked about that were huge red flags. Ethel’s daughter said that Ethel was a gold digger and just looking for someone to take care of her. Also that from Ethel’s first marriage, she got $60,000 from her ex husband and she blew it all within just a few months. Ethel has been filed for bankruptcy multiple times and just overall isn’t great with money. All of her children have tried to help her and she has burned every bridge because she just sells the cars they would buy for her or do other stupid things because she never had any money. I mentioned before that Ethel’s children refused to meet my dad. They said that it was way too soon after her last husband passed (their step dad) for them to meet my dad (yes, it had been like 7 months). So since they refused to meet my dad right away, Ethel told them that they wouldn’t be a part of her life anymore. Of course my dad doesn’t believe any of this, but like I said earlier, I trust Ethel’s daughter way more than I trust her.

When my dad was talking about getting married to Ethel, one of the things we pushed for was a prenup. My dad reluctantly agreed that he would look into it. It turns out that in my state, if they hadn’t gotten a prenup stating otherwise, when my dad died (if Ethel was still alive) then everything would go to her and then once she died everything would go to her children and nothing would go to my dad’s kids. So he did go through with the prenup (which also covered if they got a divorce he wouldn’t have to give her money or anything). His lawyer actually gave him some really good advice and I hope that my dad was more open to his lawyer about those things than he was with us even though we said the same things. And luckily, control of the trust and everything else is still in the hands of my oldest siblings when my dad passes (even if Ethel is still alive).

So Green has 2 kids. One that they’re fostering and hoping to adopt, the other has some cognitive disabilities. Even so, he is the smartest kid I know. At 3 years old he could name all of the planets in the solar system. I’m 24 and I can’t do that. He just retains knowledge really really well. Well, Ethel likes to call him her “special little buddy”...which is extremely ableist to say the least. He doesn’t really like her and he can tell that we all don’t like her (he’s 6 and he can see that better than my dad). Green’s wife absolutely hates it when Ethel calls him that too. Green’s wife is probably the one that stands up for all of us the most. But she’s also super nervous of the inevitable time that she pisses Ethel off. Ethel has called CPS on her own daughter because her preteen grandson was moody and didn’t talk to her while she was at lunch with him. If she calls CPS on Green and his wife, then they take their foster child out of the home immediately and who knows what that’ll do to their chances of adopting him. When Ethel calls CPS on any of my siblings, if I haven’t already done it for other reasons, I will tell my dad that I want to be a part of his life, but our relationship can’t include Ethel. I know my siblings and they do not do a single thing that would concern CPS.

So when Blue got married, I’m not sure exactly when it was, but I know that Ethel talked to Blue’s new sister-in-law for a bit. And she was talking about Blue’s wife’s anxiety, which Blue’s wife has never said a thing to Ethel about. And Ethel just went on and on about Blue’s wife’s anxiety and how hard it must be and that’s why Blue’s wife is like this and so on and so forth....I’m curious to know what Ethel thinks my mental illness is and tells people about.

I’m writing this one right now because it just happened and I don’t want to forget the details. So my dad’s house has 6 bedrooms and 2 family rooms. It was a good size for my family while we were growing up, but now it’s just the two of them in a 6 bedroom home. They’re planning on redoing a lot of things and we’ve been doing a lot to clean out the house and split up my mom’s stuff. So in the smallest bedroom in the house, there was a lot of baby stuff and when we didn’t know where to put things, a lot of it would go in there. Well, on multiple occasions, they’ve told us that we can take as much time as we need to go through the house and that there was no rush. Ethel has been pushing to get everything out when my dad isn’t around, but now even my dad has pushed to get things out a little bit. They decide that anything we haven’t gone through and they’re not sure what we want, they’ll put in a storage unit for us to go through when we can. I thought that was a great compromise. Well, Ethel ended up taking a picture of the small room and posting it on Facebook talking about how messy we are and how terrible of step children we are. How we were supposed to get it out by the time they got back from their honeymoon so on and so forth. Yellow and his wife see this before Ethel ends up deleting it off of Facebook. Yellow calls my dad (which I’m so grateful because so far it’s just been the girls making any sort of fuss) and is really upset about it while talking to my dad. My dad puts him on speaker and talks to Yellow and Ethel together. Ethel says she accidentally posted it on Facebook and it was supposed to be just for her aunt. How do you accidentally post something on Facebook? And if you’re talking shit and posting it to a private audience, you sure as hell aren’t going to make the mistake of posting it publicly. But also, she was talking shit about my dad’s kids and he defended her. How can he take her side on that one?

The anniversary of my mom’s death is on the same day as Green’s birthday. Well, the day was coming up and in our family group chat Ethel asks how we want to celebrate the birthday and remember my mom. Not my dad, ETHEL asks...that is not her place in the slightest. If my dad had asked, then I would have been more than happy to talk about it, but Ethel doesn’t get to be the one to try to see how we want to celebrate. Green’s family, Yellow’s family, and myself and my boyfriend ended up going to an amusement park for that day. Then we went out to my dad’s that night for pizza (hawaiian especially to remember my mom) and to watch a destructo show (because my mom LOVED those). Yellow and his family were staying at my dad’s. Well, Ethel told Yellow and his wife to make themselves at home and to eat whatever and drink whatever. When Yellow was telling me about this, I thought it was so funny because 1 he said he felt like “yeah, of course I’ll make myself at home, this is my house, not yours! and 2 my mom would get so annoyed with him for when he visited opening up a bag of chips without asking for permission or things like that. Like small things that didn’t matter in the scheme of things, but he would do with my mom, of course he’s not going to care what Ethel thinks about it. The other thing that Ethel talked to Yellow and his wife about was getting rid of all the sippy cups and only keeping one in the house per grandchild with their name on it. She said that she would always find 5 sippy cups full of milk laying around the house, but she wasn’t saying that because of Yellow’s family. So that means she was saying it because of Green’s family. Which, the younger one never leaves his sippy cup behind and the older one doesn’t drink milk (he used to be allergic and now just doesn’t like it).

One of the things that bugs Green’s wife a lot is that Ethel will always message her and say passive aggressive shit or ask her to tell my family about something or talking to her about getting everything cleaned out of the house, etc. At one point she asked Green’s wife to choose what toys they wanted to keep in the house. My mom bought way too many toys for the grandchildren, but she loved them. She would end up putting a bunch in storage and rotating them out when the kids stopped playing with some toys because they were bored of them (genius really). But it sounded like Ethel was wanting to get rid of basically all of the toys, which the point of having them there and not at my siblings’ house was so that the kids had toys to play with there and only got to play with them at my dad’s house. I think one of the reasons for getting rid of them or at least downsizing is that she always claims that the toys don’t get put away. They do though. I have been there when my siblings are putting their kids mess away. I’ve helped clean the toys up. They always get cleaned up.

Oh my god!! I can’t believe it has taken me this long to mention this one. So while my dad and Ethel were on their honeymoon, we were going through the house and trying to clean out as much as possible. Well, while doing so, we found a TON of different medications. Some were for her, some her deceased husband, and some were for somebody named “Gale Friend”. But there were probably at least 40 different bottles of pills (if not more). And at one point, Green’s wife was downstairs cleaning out of of the bedrooms. In one of the vanities (that is either mine or Orange’s, not even my dad’s let alone Ethel’s), there were some more bottles of pills and LOOSE PILLS in the drawer. This is an area that my nephews are unsupervised a LOT. Imagine if one of them opened the drawer and ate one of them! Yellow’s wife thinks that it’s too sloppy for an addict and that Ethel was trying to get us to say something to my dad so that she could play the innocent victim and that his kids just hate her and it’s her and him against the world.

Speaking of playing the victim, she does that with my dad a lot. She has literally told him before that it’s him and her against the world. She has talked bad to him about every single one of his kids (except my oldest sister that I know of). She has been trying to cut him off from his family. He can’t talk to anyone of us or even his sister alone. Also, when we’re around, she talks to my dad in a baby voice. I’m sure she does it when we’re not there too, but just trying to act like she’s this innocent helpless little girl and my dad has fallen for it. I’m sooo scared that he is finding himself to be miserable and feels like he has nobody there to help him. I hope he knows that any one of his kids would help him if he said anything. He’s such a good guy and deserves happiness. I hope that soon, he is able to realize that she’s not happiness.

Wow, this was incredibly long. I’m 100% sure there are things that I missed/forgot about. And I’m 100% sure there are things that will happen later and I will be back here writing it down to keep record and if anyone actually was interested in knowing. If you are here reading this, you seriously deserve a medal for being able to get through this entire thing. Thanks for bearing with my scattered brain and I hope it at least made you laugh at the insanity if nothing else.

#long post #tw death #death #tw gaslighting #tw emotional manipulation #tw drugs #psychopath #insane #insanity #i miss my mom #i hate this woman #why did you do this dad?

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