#this is important to me and its important for me to read ppls thoughts bc.

[tianshiisdead]

im happy my post is garnering discussion but honestly i wasnt around for 2018-2021 fandom on tumblr and i was mainly talking about how its kind of silly to get mad at people for portraying colonizer countries as mean, or calling it demonization and stuff. like its okay not to like personally portraying ur fav characters as mean or part of the state, but getting irritated at the fact that it exists or is popular imo kind of misses the fact that this… is the state and nation personification fandom. and its hard to say its not canon when canon did once portray the characters in uniform and at times involved in their state activities… like the early strips discussing western imperialism in china is literally ‘china being bullied by the allies’ ‘france wanting to grope china’ ‘china being treated like a maid’ etc etc like they were very much. the state LOL also china and japan’s canon relationship, as much as I have my issues with it, has an entire thing about china being stabbed by japan… i do feel like hetalia started out as a history nerd’s history exploration that blended humour with ‘what i find cute’ with satire etc etc, which inevitably involves illustrating the personifications as vessels of state and culture, and although the modern strips have deviated quite a bit… well, different people will approach this series for different reasons, right? Whether its serious or comedic content showing the characters as mean or imperialist or unpleasant, it’s not something that deviates too far from canon (if we take all canon eras into consideration) nor is it surprising given how history laden the topic is.

#diary #hetalia #hater tag #also have some issues with some things being called drama… #like i know some of u think of me and some others as drama stirring little devils #honestly i dont enjoy drama that much but ill become upset when i see things that i see as racist or insensitive… #because im of the opinion that this fandom requires extra sensitivity given the subject matter. #let people have fun #but #also be careful yk? i guess for me personally im always trying to be careful #when im out of my depth i try to talk to ppl with better understanding while doing my own research #and if ive written or expressed antyhing bad (which i certainly have even on this blog many times before) #i try to change my stances with new info… and like #this is important to me and its important for me to read ppls thoughts bc. #i know what its like to be treated racistly and dismissed. or to have things and history precious to me twisted #but anyways rambling aside… i guess what i want to say is i understand it seems annoying but #if you post something insensitive… and someone gets upset… then thats just how it is. hetalia is sensitive #again ive definitely posted bad insensitive things. ive been told im acting out of line. #and it sucks. but… sometimes you have to understand ur own irritation doesnt outweigh the hurt #and listen a little #sometimes i like things that i then find are insensitive or cruel. and id rather not engage with it than dismiss peoples hurt… or something #honestly i keep most of my whining private i promise JLKFHDJGLKFH BC FOR THE MOST PART I THINK I CAN TELL THE DIFF BETWEEN #when i have a real issue and when im just nitpicking #so i keep my more petty whining or basic stuff private #but if i see something egregious then i dont want to be quiet #and if a friend of mine (esp if theyre a kid) is upset or hurt by racism I dont want to be quiet

[frecklystars]

Hi frecklydork!! I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you- I just got out of a convo w/ a therapist where I realized I was in a really bad relationship and she mentioned I was displaying PTSD like symptoms. I just wanted you to know that theres someone out there who's super super super DUPER proud of you and all the work you've put into managing your PTSD- Feeling constant overwhelming anxiety helped me understand a little of what you must be going through, I can't imagine how stressful your day to day life is and I'm feeling overwhelmed rn! I hope you can take some comfort in this

Goodnight! Or Good day, or good morning whenever you get this!

Hi sweetheart. I'm so sorry to hear that you have gone through a relationship so devastating that it left this much of an impact on you. My heart goes out to you, it's not fun, to say the least, it is a really horrible time and it's especially difficult (in my opinion) when it's repetitive actions from someone you trusted... it's like an extra layer of betrayal on top of everything else. I'm so sorry. I know how badly that hurts.

My response is kind of long so I'm gonna put it under a readmore for ya:

I am so touched that you thought of me, and even more touched that you took the time out of your day to tell me that you thought of me. I hope you don't mind it took me a few days to finally crack open my inbox. I reread this a few times because it really warmed my heart. Thank you for being proud of me. I'm so proud of you, too. I'm so happy you've (I'm assuming, hoping, praying) gotten out of the relationship, or in the very least I'm reassured that you've realized how unhealthy the relationship was for you and you can take the steps to overcome and heal from it now. It's SO HARD getting out of relationships, but nobody else can do it for you, it's always you who has to take those steps, and I'm so proud of you for pushing yourself to take those steps!!!! I know it isn't easy!!!!! I think one of the loneliest feelings in the world is knowing that you're in an unhealthy friendship/relationship with someone and you can literally feel this person draining your energy and making you feel hopeless and worthless and numb. I have never felt more empty than when I was trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship/friendship. It's awful. Getting out of that kind of situation is so difficult, so I am so damn proud of you for recognizing that you deserve better!!! Because you do!!! You deserve the whole world and I'm sorry somebody didn't give you the respect you deserved. It's not your fault. Nothing you went through is your fault at all, and I'll say that as many times as you want to hear it.

I completely hear you on the stress side of things -- thank you for empathizing with me. My God, isn't it the fucking worst? The constant stress?? I PROMISE YOU IT GETS BETTER, I PROMISE I PROMISE I PROMISE!!!!!!!!!! I am finally at a point where my anxiety is not killing me 24/7. It took a hot fuckin minute to get here, but I am at a point now where my anxiety will only eat at me for a chunk of my day instead of my whole day. Getting into the Barbie movie literally saved my life. But, like... it's literally a stress disorder, an anxiety disorder. That feeling of it literally EATING at you every single second that you're awake, and even giving you nightmares when you're asleep -- jesus!!! it's so much!!! it's!!! A LOT and it's intense and it's like you never get any peace. BUT I PROMISE IT GETS BETTER!!!!! 😭😭💙💙💙 IT GETS BETTER ANON I SWEAR TO YOU. I AM HOLDING YOUR HAND THROUGH THIS WHOLE THING!!!!!

One day you will wake up and the person who traumatized you, the events that traumatized you, will NOT be the very first thing popping into your head. One day you'll be able to sit down and eat a sandwich and think to yourself "oh I just went 20 whole seconds without thinking about it". One day you'll be tying your shoe and thinking "oh I think i just went five whole minutes without thinking about it!" slowly, gradually, you will have healed so much, you will look back and think "oh. I'm... so much better than I was."

I actually had this revelation a few weeks ago, I sat down making comics, and then I thought to myself... "...oh... I don't think I thought about my abuser... at all... when a trigger was right in front of my face... for a solid two minutes." I saw a gifset where Margot Robbie was wearing an article of clothing that normally triggers me into a panic attack, but I just kept looking at Margot and thinking "hehehe that's my Barbie!!! <3" and then i realized the trigger was right in front of my face but I was so focused on being gay asf I didn't even realize the trigger was there. And then when I noticed it, my body was like "oh. time to panic" but I managed to push away those feelings and say "nope. nope. that's Barbie. and Barbie is safe. and everything is ok!!!" And two minutes of handling a certain trigger may not seem like a long time, at first... but when you're constantly overwhelmed every single second of every single day... two minutes looks like a blessing. and one day you won't even have to count the minutes anymore. you'll just exist and the misery will only be momentary.

But aside from triggers, now, just in general, I am at a point where I can go hours without remembering my abuser or the events that gave me literally DOZENS of triggers in the first place. Flashbacks are rare, when they used to be constant. I'm not as jittery as I used to be, I'm not as... uh, feeling like I'm going out of my mind, I don't know how else to phrase it, but the anxiety that ptsd gives you literally makes you feel like you're losing your sense of self, and I promise you that feeling goes away with time. I promise you it gets better. I didn't have a support system during my time of need, so my healing process is taking much longer than it would have, so I am hopeful that your healing process is actually going much speedier than mine, even if our circumstances may not be exactly the same ofc but just hearing that you have a therapist helping you out with this is absolutely wonderful. Therapy is so important, paired with self care.

I'm so proud of you anon. I'm so sorry you're going through this and ahhh sorry I'm scatterbrained, it's been a long day and my brain cells are on fire, but!!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU and I LOVE YOU and IT'S GONNA BE OKAY!!!! IT'S GONNA GET BETTER!!!!!! That feeling of constant anxiety 24/7 is an absolute bitch, but it gets better!!! It gets better!!!! I'll say it a million times, it gets better!!!! And I'm here for you the whole way okay? Please feel free to message me anytime. Ilusm I'm sending you so many hugs and I will be keeping you in my thoughts. 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

#thank you for taking the time to empathize with me holy shit #i feel like a lot of ppl dont rly. understand ptsd. unless if they have it. which is normal ofc #or just trauma in general. which is fine! u cant fully understand smth til u go thru it #so when you mentioned the CONSTANT anxiety i was just nodding my head while reading #24/7 your brain is making you remember things you wish you could forget and it aint fun #tips: journal your thoughts everyday to reduce nightmares #bc it helps your brain process things while its awake #so it wont process AS much when youre asleep. that way you get BETTER sleep #more tips: sleeping is so good for u. drinking water is so good for ur Scared Brain #EXERCISING!!!! going for walks in the sunlight helps you with vitamin D + tiring u out faster #so u can sleep easier. bc again. oh my god the sleep is so important. #and sleep is the thing i struggle with the most i only get 3 or 4 hours every night #being social helps so much. im going out with friends at LEAST once a week #and scheduling hangouts with online friends once a week as well. or voice calling #i know it hurts so fucking bad right now but i promise it gets better #i am holding your hand the entire time ok you're not alone. im here for you. #anonymous #asks #ptsd #keepsake

[0tul1ss]

.

#mannn i literally assumed he ghosted-- why on earth would he text me after so long???? #i was fully like 'ok the last msg i sent literally makes me cringe a bit to read but its been months so ig im never opening the convo again #it was simpler before when there felt like there was nothing else to do and easier to move on. i even had a little crush on someone else ! #now i have a whole wheel of decisions to choose from #and idek what i truly want from this guy anymore bc even just platonically he kinda fucked it up like. idk #or rather i want a lot of different things and idk what to choose #i want my friend back. i want to never see him again. i want him to know every truth of what ive felt and i want him to know none of it #i want him to miss me or maybe wonder about me sometimes down the line. i want him to not spare me another thought for the rest of his life #i want to reply only 'go fuck yourself' and i want to write him a letter and i want to ghost him better than he ghosted me #i want to tell him i love him and i want to tell him i hate him and i want to say nothing at all #i want the closure i was denied. i want to protect the closure i now have #<-going insane #anyway its soooo stupid like i already grieved for this shit bro. i accepted the end of this years long close friendship #anyway idk why im doing so much processing of this in a vent post nor do i know why i always feel compelled to post these when i do #good thing i keep a small presence on here lol. but yea uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh send post #ok wait i saved this as a draft and went to go look for what i had been tagging vent posts with #[couldnt find one i had been using consistently even tho the whole point is so ppl can blacklist it if they want whoops!!] #and i saw another vent from another time he just kinda disappeared on me #and while this time was a lot worse for a lot of reasons i think its important to say this-- #that the last thing that i want is to go back to square one of this stupid awful cycle #vent

[immamapletreekid]

once again impressed at just how quickly a new piece of media can take over my waking hours

#so the ppl were right...hannibal really is brain chemistry altering. in fact its scary how powerful it is #ive read through..;;;all the wikipedia pages for all 36 episodes in an evening instead of doing anything productive #before i realized it. the whole afternoon was gone. fuck #no regrets (will have many regrets come tomorrow morning) #ok but back to the topic at hand. all wikipedia articles. several other character wiki pages #SEVERAL SEVERAL VERY VERY VERY WELL WRITTEN TUMBLR ANALYSES ON THE SHOW #a good few made me have to put my phone down punch my bed a few times then walk several circles around my room flailing my arms about #bc of the shivers they gave me #god some of u ppl out there are so cool so incredibly skilled with an eye for these things #also went down deep dives on youtube for interviews.. the actors breaking down their characters. fan made compilations #again im particularly a big fan of the video compiling nearly every single cannibal pun made in the show #i feel like a new person again. a persona 3 obsession followed right after by this?!?!?!!!! ive never felt as alive as #when theres a piece of media that consumes all my thoughts. every minute im awake. nothing except the world and the story and the characters #and just how fucking incredible these pieces of media are at weaving the theme so deeply into every fibre of the series #actuslly if i try very hard. ims ure i csn find similarities between persona and hannibal that appealed to me #lately persona 3 has still got an iron grip on me. but that grip has been strengthened furthermore by persona 4 and 5....;;; truly this #this may be the end for me I JUST WANNA SPEND MT DAYS CURLED UP IN MY ROOM OBSESSING OVER THESE THINGS #no stress coming from school or job searching or money or social obligations or just. idk being a person is hard sometimes #passion is so important. like actuslly im going to start crying its so good to be passionate about something #ppl who are passionate about their stuff their thing their knowledge are so cool #im tired now and am going to sleep maybe. after rbing a few more things i keep seeing that cause thst little jolt of #excitement happiness goosebumps and shivers and i need to save tjem for times when it feels i have no passion left to absorb from the world #rambling about stuff

[hirookouji]

my theory that (most) comedy anime r better in english dubs (as an english speaker) vs the absolutely stellar japanesa va casting for seemingly all comedy anime

#reeza.txt #its my. personal theory. just bc comedic timing is important to me #also translating jokes is hard #i dont envy translators #but from what ive seen.. official dubs adapt the jokes better (they make sense and r funny) compared to sub #u can only add translator notes on so much until it just doesnt make sense #seems to be a capturing why the joke is funny in the original japanese (sub) vs #making a new joke thats just funny even if its wildly different from the original (dub) #aka localization is important #and i can see it more in official dubs than subs but that might be bc subs im exposed to r fansubs? but dont quote me on that #but hey. thats just a theory! #me looking at uramichiis va cast like god.... my willpower is being tested rn #like. stellar. amazing. voice actors. i recognize most of the main cast #but. comedy anime...... #i watched it in dub and it was alright #i dont think i would've enjoyed it more in sub tbf #i say most bc ive heard gintamas hilarious and best watched in sub #and also i watched spy family in sub and it made me laugh out loud literally even tho i was just reading what they said #i have my own thoughts abt the whole sub v dub debate and just translations in general bc ppl seem so #hard pressed to put japan on a pedestal #in general obviously but also when it comes to translation n subbing and dubbing shows #like the ides that some things r an untranslatable japanese concept so we cant translate it into english bc itll lose its meaning and be #tainted forever #and its just like. the word nakama. #thats. translatable. u just think its cooler in japanese bc ur weird idk #also its time for ppl to stop being scared of dubs... #its no longer the 90s guys... dubs (for the most part) arent being censored or altered to all hell... theyre good now #i could probably explain what i mean better but oh well #ask box open if u want to like disagree w me or hear more idk #whos even reading all this

[w0rmm1lk]

Texting.

Reader: not mentioned.

characters: all characters i write for (besides kota and eri)

type: can be read as both platonic and romantic

sumarry: how i think the mha characters would text.

warnings: possible swearing, denki being denki.

👾Mina Ashido👾

she abuses her emoji privledges. like nobody will ever receive a message from her that doesn't have an emoji. lots of all caps.

👓Tenya Iida👓

oh you were texting him? bitch writes as if he's writing a formal email. your ass is lucky that he doesn't start that shit off with "I hope this message finds you well.". not even kidding will proof read every message he sends at least twice.

♾️Ochaco Uraraka♾️

will end every message that isnt on a serious topic with :D. its so sweet tbh.

⚡Denki Kaminari⚡

this man uses so many abbreviations that even if you think you use a lot just know you're learning a new one everyday. not even kidding makes up his own shit. once sent mina "lmkiydthesicci" and nobody could figure out wtf he meant. lowkey flirting with every mssg he sends. every single person in the class, girl or not has received a message from him that just says "hey bbg ;)". he received a very long lecture from iida and a very confused reply from todoroki. todoroki didn't actually know wtf bbg meant. thought he misspelled bbq at first.

🪨Kirishima🪨

unironically sends messages that just say "rawr". uses the :} face a lot bc he thinks it looks like his unbreakable.

🐙Mezou Shoji🐙

i feel like he has such a low screentime that if anyone needs to text him he's only available for like an hour a day. accidentally leaves ppl on read. messages seem very bland usually.

❄️Shoto Todoroki🔥

another bland person but tbh hes the worst out of them all. like he can look at a whole paragraph asking him if he wants to go to the movies with the rest of the class and all he will reply with is just "ok." uses periods at the end of every message but I swear he's not mad.

💥 Bakugo💥

if he receives any messages past 8pm the "reply" will be you getting left on delivered even if he's still up, or a message just saying "shut the fuck up and go to bed.". also bland but he's more of a "k" bland rather than a "ok." bland.

🥦Izuku Midoryia🥦

he will not even kidding receive a message that just says "hi" and will send a whole paragraph that is basically just a lengthened "hi! how are you?". uses the smiley emoji a lot.

💫Momo Yaoyorozu💫

lots of ! at the end of messages, you can feel the happiness through your phone screen. uses heart emojis at the end of messages and memorizes the meaning of each color so she can use them accordingly.

���Shihai Kuroiro🖤

another :} user, sometimes uses :] but mainly :}. only ever texts ppl at hours like 2-4 am. you cant convince me he gets enough sleep.

👔Neito Monoma👔

you think hed text you?/j kinda just an average texter, any message about class 1a will be in all caps.

😈Dabi😈

oh look. another bland ass texter, at least he takes the time to actually type out "okay," only sends emojis if he's talking about how weird the emoji looks.

🔪Himiko Toga🔪

uses :] all the time. not :}, or :). just :]. if anyone texts her, even if its just a simple "hi." and she isn't busy, congrats you've agreed to a 3 hour face time call.

✋Tomura Shigaraki✋

he leaves everyone on read. if you question why he left you on read all you're getting is an "if its so important then talk to me face to face."

🃏Mr. Compress🃏

so you know how earlier i said you were lucky Iida didnt start with "I hope this message finds you well,"? your luck ran out. he writes it like you're a long distant friend who he is sending some fancy ass shit letter to. not even kidding ends each message with "--Compress."

🪽Hawks🪽

types so fast his phone doesnt even register his hands. half his messages be looking like "se tht ouds ood". he doesn't even bother to edit it or correct himself.

👁️Aizawa👁️

he texts like a dad. texting this mf be like:

"ok👍"

"*photo of a weird boat*"

🌙Midnight🌙

miss girl uses so many ;) that its hard to tell if shes suggesting something weird or not. ended every greetings message with that one kissy emoji.

🙂Mirio Togata🙂

uses the 🙂 all the time because he thinks it looks like him. it does.

🌀Nejire Hado🌀

lots of !!! and :D, also uses the :> a lot lol. lots of blue heart emojis aswell.

🦋Tamaki Amajiki🦋

sends articles about different butterflies he likes or thinks the person he sends it to would like along with a message along the lines of "I think this fits you :]". rarely texts first but when he does he clicks send and sitts on the other side of the bed as his phone while staring at it intensely, just waiting for the reply notif. wont actually read the reply for a good minute.

🐈‍⬛Hitoshi Shinsou🐈‍⬛

sends photos of random animals he sees while out and about. usually just cats. (no way this man doesn't feed the strays around ua) another person that only texts at night time.

🛠️Mei Hastume🛠️

uses >:D a lot, shows blueprints of her new babies all the time, ngl they are usually rlly messy. texts are just :

"LOOK AT THIS NEW BABY IN PROGRESS >:D"

"* incomprehensible image of a blueprint *"

⭐Yo Shindo⭐

uses the thumbs up way to much but like in the passive aggresive way yk? but also if you send him a photo of something ur proud of he will reply with a simple "oh that's cool!" but there's so much fucking emotion behind it ur just kinda like ???

🛡Melissa Shield🛡

her messages are so sweet. sunset pictures of the ocean every other day. lots of :).

wrote this is one go and now my hands hate me. i think this was at least 20 characters-? idk I'm struggling to count.

#bnha x reader #mha x reader #bakugou x reader #bnha x gn!reader #mha x gn!reader #mina x reader #iida x reader #denki x reader #uraraka x reader #kirishima x reader #shoji x reader #todoroki x reader #deku x reader #momo x reader #shihai x reader #monoma x reader #dabi x reader #toga x reader #shigaraki x reader #mr. compress x reader #hawks x reader #aizawa x reader #midnight x reader #mirio x reader #tamaki x reader #nejire x reader #big three x reader #shinsou x reader #shindo x reader #mei hatsume x reader

[rainbowpui]

"SJ abused many talented disciples"

But it wasn't mentioned anywhere other than SY's chapters and I dont trust SY's pov on SJ especially not when he thought that SJ SA-ed NYY,SJ was in love with QHT, killed LQG and helped LBH to kill YQY.

LITERALLY SY is an unreliable narrator. he THINKS he knows everything about PIDW but most of what he thought at the beginning of the novel gets disproved. its... literally an important plot point that SY makes problems for himself bc hes too hung up on what he THINKS he knows about the characters. But like..... 99% of this is shown to be wrong....

in fact... realizing that almost everything he thought about sj is wrong.... is part of what makes him realize that what he has been thinking about LBH has been wrong too. why would we have to take his word from the START OF THE NOVEL about that when he discover he was wrong about everything else?

when sy wakes up all of sj's disciples were crowded around him worried and wanting for their shizun to wake up (except lbh). that.. doesnt exactly make me feel like they all hate him.

sy claims that sj was a lecher who lusted after his students..... but when we actually see sj's pov it turns out he isnt going to the brothels for sex but because thats the only place he can feel comfortable away from men bc of his trauma. we know its canon that he cares for nyy bc sy literally uses sj's care for her as a way to get around ooc and help lbh, but theres literally nothing to imply his affection is sexual in nature. sj saves qht and drags her away from the fire bc he feels indebted to her for being his only escape from the abuse by the other members of her household, not bc hes in love with her. even when saving her puts him in danger bc thats a loose end that can and does come back to bite him. tbh i cant say its canon that hes gay.... but he certainly doesnt seem to show any interest in women and gives "all of his loyalty" to another man and waits for him like a maiden waiting for her lover to return lol

we learn in the sqh extras that not only did sj not kill lqg in the caves but he tried to save him and just failed that time. we literally SEE sj save lqg on the mission with sqh and then get embarrassed and not even ask for credit for it.

sy blames sj for "killing yqy" but when we see the 79 extras.... he literally tries to push him away and tells him to leave when hes captured so that yqy stays safe and literally mentions that when he was FORCED BY LBH to write the letter he tried to make it obvious that its a trap. why is sj being blamed for lbh killing yqy just to hurt him???? sy CLAIMS to know everything about PIDW but literally the point mxtx is making by showing that sy is wrong about everything about sj.... is that maybe he doesnt know as much as he thinks... he thinks that lbh was the cause of the jinlani city plague as well and THAT is wrong too. (it was actually..... sy's fault. for releasing zzl.. OOPS.)

I dont care if he THOUGHT sj was like that at the start of the novel. hes not actually a reliable source!! esp at the start sj definitely DID abuse lbh. i dont think most sj stans will deny that or pretend that what he did was right. but.... we dont actually see him treat any other disciples poorly. if anything sy is the one making everyone else run laps and teaching them nothing to the point that sqh mentions that the disciples turn from "scholars" into "adhd children".... sy HIMSELF admits that its a good thing sj taught his students enough that they can basically run the sect on their own so that he can be lazy and do nothing and delegate to everyone else. i imagine that he might have been a bit strict as a teacher to the other students but thats not the same as abusing all of them. its literally just lbh he had an issue with

sometimes i feel like ppl didnt even read the same book when they take everything sy says at face value. hes a flawed character who is forced to rethink all the things he thought about BOTH sj AND lbh after witnessing sj's backstory makes him realize..... he cant actually assume he knows everything about these characters just bc he read PIDW. SQH himself admits that the sv universe is based on his rough draft, NOT on the dumbed down version that he was forced to write for the $$$ that sy ended up reading

somehow ppl can admit that sy was wrong about other characters but not about sj even when we see him proven wrong on screen??? its really strange... sj did SOME things wrong but not 99% of the shit ppl accuse him of

#svsss #shen jiu #shen yuan #asks

[skitterplant]

ok i have.. soo many thoughts about ur fic rni usually dont read or look through content with fem yns since it (personally) makes me uncomfy, but for some reason the way u write this one makes it very easy to actually read and not feel like im being forced into the role of Woman™️ (im ftm and its really frustrating how common that feeling is with fics). this yn actually feels like her own person which actually makes reading this a lot more interesting as well. something about the way she just... is is fascinating to me

anyway- i have sooo many questions, tho mainly about the yn. i dont expect any answers at all, im just throwing these for ur entertainment to witness

wtf is going on with yn? she clearly has a motive but wutever it is i cant pinpoint it. could possibly be something to do with fazbear? at least based on how she said that "while i hate ur attitude i hate liars more". if so, then y only target the dca? y them in specific? or does she have effects all over the pizzaplex?

also something ive been thinking about was that one conversation at the end of chapter 5 between the mechanics moon overheard. i wonder if that was some form of foreshadowing? maybe something about yn? or maybe it was simply just a point where moon realizes how little he knows about humans. (tho something i will note is that its actually somewut common for kids to just randomly kill or hurt animals. often times its out of curiosity to test the limits of things. usually wut stops kids from doing it is other ppl finding out and scolding them for it, therefore teaching them it isnt something "good" to be doing)

im just. so fascinated with the yn. while her actions r absolutely frustrating and makes no sense i feel as tho theres a reason behind it other than sadistic enjoyment (bc she didnt even seem to enjoy the times when shed hurt them, just annoyed)

im absolutely hooked on this now and i dont think im escaping any time soon OTL

The fact that you've picked up my work and enjoyed it despite usually avoiding this type of MC is a big, big compliment!

I wish I could answer properly because your questions are extremely important to the plot points I'm ACHING to get into😭😭😭 Really just went and tickled every sore spot on my brain, you sly weasel :/

Just know that your thoughts made me very happy. Thank you!!!

#ask me #ask overshadowed #overshadowed

[soldier-poet-king]

Ok not gonna actually put my replies on someone's post bc that's RUDE (and it's not borne out of ill will I genuinely like discussing this stuff but idk if that is appropriate here!! I don't know this person!! I am bad at knowing when to open my mouth!) but I really liked the theology of vespertine? I didn't take it as things done in the Lady's name are Valid Religious Actions, nor did I take it that both good and evil come from the Lady. Its clearly based off of Christianity, and i thought the questions it asked about theodicy were quite interesting (and perhaps my favourite bit of the book, and why I found it so moving).

It was less that the Lady causes xyz bad thing to happen, and more that the Lady /allows/ xyz bad thing to happen only so that ultimately some good can be brought out of it. Which, imo, is very in line with a Christian view of theodicy, esp in the Pauline epistles (and Job, and obvs the Gospels). Evil is brought into the world by human action, but that human action is allowed to happen (BC free will) and ultimately is transformed toward the Good. That doesn't mean that ppl aren't shitheads who claim that their evil is divinely sanctioned, nor that hurt people do not (understandably) blame the divine and lash out in their hurt. But that ultimately, for whatever ineffable reason the inexorable will of god PERMITS evil to occur, knowing in divine wisdom and grace it will be transformed to the Good.

That's not a comfort. Not really. I think it is frightening and terrifying and awe-inspiring and horrible all at once. I have my own personal feelings on the subject. I just think it's an important distinction, and fwiw much closer to my own reading of the book. Its the same sort of troubling not-answers to questions of divine providence, grace, and the will of god that the sparrow duology examines (in a much less harrowing way, albiet, the sparrow is heavy).

Idk man I think I'm just fascinated by theodicy and conceptions of evil in non dualistic universe where evil exists despite an omnipotent and all-good divinity. I think the Augustine Brainrot got me.

#i am only mutual in laws with this person and idk if theyre comfortable with me randomly saying shit #and so!!! i will go on my little theodicy rambles on my own #idk man. i just really loved vespertine. one of the top books i read this year #i found it incredibly comforting and also incredibly disquieting #that sense of divine providence that is both suffering and grace #i didn expect it to wrestle with that #and i dont think it did it in a way that's really incompatible with christianity tbh #but maybe i have greek philosphy brainrot and a lot of weird thoughts and feelings abt theodicy more generally speaking #i know my opinions arent often mainline wrt faith #regardless. i adored vespertine. i wish other ppl of faith felt the same!! #its not really a big deal im just. thinking my silly lil thoughts all the time

[tableintheteacherslounge]

Abbott Elementary S03E08 thoughts

Melissa schemmenti angry slut

THIS COLD OPEN I WAS CRYINGGGG

Barb’s protective goggles

“We gonna be down about $700

The squeeze my cheeks kid

Every one getting hit in the damn face

Ava pushing gregory

Greg vs tariq 🥵

Barb shooting in the wrong basket then saying “i’m carrying this team”

Gregory flipping the table

Just PERFECTION

“Why dont u look better” ava really says what i wanna say to people

What IS up with melissa to be snappy, always on her phone, hookups, staying out late

Heyyy manny 🤭 he’s foine I’m SORRY

But if Janine’s meant to be in once a week whys she not seen her abbott friends - not her and jacob not seeing each other 😓

“Girl was there a fire?” See this delivery is why slr has an emmy

Ok I KNEW melissa would hookup with burt hummel. I cant deny the chemistry and at least he’s a better actor than g*ry, but lets keep it casual yeah?

RICHARD TYLER WILLIAMS 💀

The delivery on “interesting 😀”

Tariq hosting the panel?!? I love that for us

Badass janine get it girl! She is ON IT

Not ava and crystal speaking over each other 😭

“I don’t think this is on 🎤 “ “IT IS” ijbol 💀😭

Barb is stroppy and sad ☹️ but why wouldn’t melissa trust her! I get it! But also it’s casual so maybe I get not saying anything too! But barb is so sad (jealous) that melissa didn’t tell her (jealous)

CASUAL GHOST

No bc whys that ur face after ur friend tells u its just sex BARB? I get being upset at not being told but why are u upset its just sex … unless… jealousy

Why arent they clapping abbott 🙁

Why is tariq scoring 😭😭

“Give it some razzle For the love of god gregory give it some dazzle”

Janine just caring about the gossip she’s me

Friend of over 15 years!!! I appreciate the work wives lore but that is literally inaccurate I’m sorry

“Since your lips already touched” GASP (also br*no could never deliver a line like that I’m just saying)

The workwives having a marital spat while ppl are just trying to get their certifications

Is it different? Mmm lowkey bc melissa should know what’s going on in her house but also she can acknowledge that actually barb was validly upset but we know Melissa is stubborn sooo

On her roof? Ew! I dont need to know honestly

Janine not reading Jacob’s text 😖

MANNY CALLING JANINE BIG TEAGUES TEEHEEE 🤭 KICKING FEET TWIRLING HAIR

Gregory sit down 😭 honestly that speech alone could give tyler an emmy nom

MR BOHNSON FROM BABBOTT BELEMENTARY HELP

“You talked to me about gary” aww 🥺☹️

“Because that was a real relationship that YOU approved of” ok poignant emphasis on you - Barbara’s opinion is so important to her 🥺 that’s her number 1

“Awwwmygod congrats” “thank you baby”

Melissa’s true apology 🥺

MELISSA DRAGGING BARB CLOSER TO HER EVEN THO BARB WAS STILL MAD i feel like that was lisa and sheryl

“Look how coy this boy is” jacob always gets great ppl as love interests bc first zach and now i love this guy too “i even showed captain robinson” aw 🙁

Janine aced it! Quintas physical comedy is soo good

Wait is mr j wearing a jacket over his uniform 😭

Cancelling on the fireman for barb 🥺

I fear burt hummel doesn’t want it as casual as mel

“Ok did he just make me fall in love with him” 😭

BI AVA BI AVA!! Wbk but BI AVA (but yk im a hardcore barlissa truther so shipping them w ava makes me gag)

MR JOHNSON PANEL beep beep beep that to my face!!!

Wish they ended on barlissa at the bar tho :(

Ok overall I honestly didnt love that ep at first

And the big reason is i didnt think the panel needed so much and i wanted barlissa to have more

Their conflict didn’t feel as real and earnest as other examples

It got wrapped up surprisingly quickly - they fell out more over safety scissors and ‘yous’

And I’d’ve liked them to share a vulnerable moment away fro everyone else.

It just felt eh

Also being away from school felt weird too

Based on teaser clips i thought it could be a lisa emmy consideration ep but no - could be for tyler though

Barbara’s jealousy is v v interesting tho 👀

After a few days I like it more

I still feel a bit confused tho

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO MENTION KEEGAN MICHAEL KEY HELLO??!?? What a guest actor to get oh my god

#abbott elementary #abbott elementary season 3 #abbott elementary s3 #abbott elementary thoughts

[gold-rhine]

i swear yall are trying to turn me into the joker asdfghjkl all i said is that its bad to not give players context for the important plot points, which can ruin a plot i even called good

topaz quest was in... checks notes - *October* of prev year. also, neither "stonehearts" nor "cornerstones" were focus of that story,it was about her trying to enslave belobog. so no questions about space amazon doing slavery, i remembered THAT. there were no magical gems that give super powers there. if there was a throwaway line about them, i promise you most ppl are not gonna remember it after FIVE MONTHS

you cannot compare it to genshin, where in the very first archon quest we were told who fatui are, dealt with them even before signora, were explained who signora is by jean bc signora was pressuring her politically (matters bc gives pressure to main plot), then had signora appear on screen and steal venti's gnosis, which she right there in same scene mentioned as his divinity. the "harbringers want to steal gnosis" was very well dramatized in the first quest, so in liyue we already knew that childe will want to steal gnosis. you didn't need to remember any lore about tsaritsa or snezhnaya or delusions to get that. the main intrigue of the plot is "childe wants to get to morax corpse," why? to steal gnosis.

meanwhile, what was dramatized in hsr is that space amazon wants to enslave planets, which, again, we get it, not the "amazon execs have magical stones which give them super powers". when "stones" were brought up in penacony by ratio, it was in same convo as of "gift jewelry" being confiscated, so i personally thought its just bribes literally until the confrontation with christian ayato, when turned out its personal weapons. "aventurine wants to get his stones", why? - idk???? he's useless without moneys???

like when main intrigue of the plot "how will character get mcguffin back??", its vital for players to understand WHY character wants mcguffin

idk how to explain it in other words since i already said it in original reply, but most ppl dont read dictionaries for fun and "go read dictionary" is a very bad way to present information, both in artistic sense and in the sense that again, most ppl are not gonna do that. they have tutorials for a lot of useless stuff that 90% of ppl skip. this is not "could be smoother", this is "most ppl will just not know wtf is happening".

#rhine talks

[4awny]

Sp Study Headcanons that literally nobody somebody asked for:

Kenny:-

actually listens and pays attention in class

but literally cannot study at all if cartman is there

would rather race cars and start fires than study

easily distracted

is kind of 🤷🏼‍♂️ whatever when its exam day

legs spread as far out from the desk as possible

likes to watch other people stress out from the back row

grade? B. people under estimate him

Kyle:-

disgustingly prepared

gets stressed out a lot tho

like when people won't shut up

therefore prefers to study alone

the closer he is to the final exam > the more moody he gets

permanent 😠 face

blames cartman for distracting him

i mean yeah. he does that a lot tbf

is up all night studying despite knowing sleep is just as important

fear of failure maybe?

OK I could go on here

grade? A. predictable. the hard work paid off

Stan:-

doubts himself the whole time

king of procrastination

not completely his fault, always busy doing shit for ppl

thinks he's totally prepared

opens up the first page of the exam paper

immediately forgets everything he ever knew

🤯 lost af

oh wait he does know something

comes out feeling like he let himself down

grade? C. all gd my guy

Cartman:-

this kid will not acknowledge an exam until the day before

then panics like hell

and kyle told him so too

looks over to each friend as if to say HELP ME when everybody opens their paper

obviously no one helps him lol

like? man should have listened

cannot concentrate, thoughts racing, over thinking

leads to inner meltdown

struggles to submit anything worth a pass due to the stress

acts like it was the easiest exam of his life

OK enough lore

grade D. just about.

Butters:-

surprisingly good with numbers

brings a pencil sharpener into the exam hall

and like 4 extra pencils too

is pretty confident

real cocky too. smug is the word

bc he the only mf to actually enjoy exams

looks over at cartman with a 👍🏻

gets a 🖕🏼 in return

grade B+. kid is no dumbass

Craig:-

should probably try harder

doesn't even care about grades

kinda does actually

"let's just get this over with" as he rolls up to the exam hall with his hands in his pockets

😒

pretty average student

writes 'fuck knows' for questions he doesn't know

having good common sense helped him massively

grade? B. nobody knows how he managed it either. mystery

Tweek:-

a lot of pencil tapping

relies on a lot of caffeine

...obviously

sweaty palms

forever looking around at other people

reads the question 10 times

then 10 more times

still doesn't understand so writes nothing.

goes back to the 1st question halfway through

adds ???? next to his answers

doctors handwriting. barely readable.

grade? it's a D. rip

Clyde:-

"test? what test?"

moderately studies...

for the wrong exam

writes notes on his hand before the final

chews gum throughout

It annoys tweek, who can hear it from 14 seats back

always the first to finish

because finishing first means he's better than everyone else

🤡

spends the next half hour doodling circles all over the desk

only cares about the party afterwards anyways

grade?? big fat FAIL

Tolkien:-

actually knows his stuff, bc he covered literally everything

apart from that 1 subject, but he didn't care about it anyway

reads a lot of books, loves literature

sleeps well, eats well

helps his mind combat pre-exam stress

feels pretty confident on exam day, but hides it well

doesn't want his friends to think he's a nerd or anything...

Grade? A+++++. total NERD

#im literally all of these in 1 #south park #kenny mccormick #eric cartman #craig tucker #kyle broflovski #stan marsh #tolkien black #clyde donovan #tweek tweak #south park headcanons #sp headcanons #southpark #butters stotch

[aropride]

speaking of psychosis- i wasn't speaking of it here but i was speaking of it- i've been trying to figure out what was up with the great psychotic episode of freshman year, because i had assumed it was a trauma-induced psychosis type of deal, but it occurred to me that i was definitely having sort of thought broadcasting types of beliefs, probably some other stuff but i can't remember atm and don't feel like digging thru my old vent account lol. (ramble continues under the cut this got VERY long)

(line with text so tumblr doesn't eat the image. idk if it still does that but better safe than sorry)

(the months with "2" are split into first and second half of the month bc it was relevant, couldnt figure out how else to signify that succinctly)

i cut out the labels of each belief for safety + in case that's triggering to ppl but each row is a different belief i had that in retrospect was probably some sort of delusion? top two are very similar but different enough i tracked them differently. bottom two might have just been anxiety+ptsd but i do really think they're connected to this

it was definitely at its worst mid nov-end of jan, but started in september and didn't really let up til like june

anyway like i said i had assumed it was a combination of trauma and being off my meds and isolation that made the perfect situation for me to go fucking crazy, but i hadn't really thought about it that hard . but now that i Am thinking about it, again, i was definitely having these kinds of beliefs before The Trauma

and in my past self's defense. one thing about my thought broadcasting beliefs specifically was that i was straight up being essentially cyberstalked at the time and didn't know, so i was completely right that certain people knew more about me than i had told them, but i was wrong about the reason why

anyway i was reading up on schizospec disorders for class (kind of. also just for fun) -- also important context schizophrenia does run in my family i think on both sides? but my parents are weird about talking about it. so that's part of this also.

but i noticed that of the three labels i was looking at- brief psychotic disorder, schizophreniform, and schizophrenia- (i didn't look into schizoaffective bc i dont think i have many bipolar symptoms, and didn't look into stpd bc i don't think it counts as a personality disorder if it lasts like 10 months lol, and delusional disorder because i do think i had some negative*&cognitive symptoms (*psych term meaning absence of things present in nonschizospec people, not literally just bad symptoms lol)-- though to be fair, that may have just been a combination of situational aspects & autism?)-- either way, it's not on this beautiful and awesome diagram in mspaint i made so i could illustrate the timeline aspect of the diagnostic criteria:

bc a diagnosis of brief psychotic disorder requires symptoms to only last a month, and schizophreniform for 1-6 months, whereas schizophrenia is lifelong .

basically the problem is- while the worst part of my psychotic(?) symptoms lasted ~4months, they were definitely there in some form for around 10 months, which is too long for a diagnosis of schizophreniform, but i don't feel comfortable just, assuming it's schizophrenia lol, especially when most of the symptoms i experienced dont affect my life anymore? it does make me nervous though that this happened right around the typical age of onset.

this might just be a problem with diagnoses being too specific to cover the entire spectrum of human experience, and i might just be outside of any area where a specific label could be applied . also, i know it's been written about but not become an actual diagnostic label- but there are places where ocd and psychosis can over lap, and schizo-obsessive disorder has been suggested as a diagnostic label, but not officially used anywhere afaik..

i think my main concern at this point is just, whether or not i should be concerned about it coming back. like, is it possible to be in various stages of active psychosis(?? it still feels very strange to refer to it that way but i guess that's what it was, so) for ~4-10 months, and then just be chilling after. or should i be worried. was this a one-time thing starting because i was off my meds and being worsened by isolation and trauma or is there a possibility of this happening again. and i think that's a question that can't be answered with any certainty, probably

#text #health tag

[ashtraythief]

Hey! So ive been a long time reader of ur underneath verse (since like.. 2018? Maybe even 2017?) and i just wanted to drop by and tell u how much im enjoying rereading ur writing! Like in general i think this is one of my fav fics series just bc its so extensive and well done and thought out and fleshed out so well it works so well? Like seeing all the different angles and the way u choose to frame things is really fun for me and kinda inspires my own writing in some aspects.

Ive never read the whole thing all in one go before so ive decided to do that right now and im just about done with the pied pipers song - more specifically willys chapter. And i kinda needed to let u know that ur series really stands out to me just bc of how many glimpses into other characters and all these different povs of the same thing like on it stands out on a technical level but then ur actual writing of these things is so good and compelling and like as an outsider pov bitch it hits the spot for me so well? Like ur writing is never stale and its always interesting.

I specifically wanted to take this time to mention that i really love willy and winstons characters and how u went about it. Like im ngl the way u wrote them kinda makes me want to cry tears of happiness for them bc they have found ppl who appreciate them and they have connections with other ppl but then the bittersweet tang of jensen and willy is kinda fucking me up rn /pos djjdjdjd like in general u really do the bittersweet jensen is stuck undercover angle really well and it HURTS so good

But yes i dont really have a good concise message or comment to leave beyond the fact that i keep stopping every few sentences to get up and jump bc im so excited about what im reading i need to get rid of that excess energy lol so sorry if this is all over the place and a really messy message! I just really wanted to let u know how much im enjoying reading it all rn. Thank you so much for sharing ur writing with us and for continuing to write for this series its so fun!

omg nonnie, I'm kinda speechless here (this is the second wonderful message in two days so I'm kinda overwhelmed. is it send wonderful messages week somewhere??)

I just am so grateful and this message made me so happy. never apologize for maybe not having a five point outline lol, this is amazing.

The underneath verse has always been my fandom baby, so praise for it is already amazing, but the pied piper fic and Winston and Willy epsecially, it just makes my heart so full. Ten years ago, they definitely started out as stock characters of mob drivers, because I didn't think this fic would get so big, but then it did, and Willy especially became a real character. a) because I knew he'd fall in love with Jensen too, as anyone does really and b) because I looooove the bittersweet undercover Jensen shtick where I write from other character's POV and the reader knows how wrong they're getting it but they don't *mu har har* (yeah I'm a little mean sometime. sorry?)

but in all seriousness, the Willy chapter, I'ev been working on that for months. And I kept adding things and rewriting things and trying to get it perfect even though I know that most people who read the story mostly care about Jared and Jensen (which is totally fair and understandable), but I care about him and there are a few people out there who do too (and I love you for it, so much), but with Willy, I just wante to do this /right/. I've come to love him so much, and he's come to be so important to Jensen, it felt like he and Winston really deserve their own story told even though that's kind of ridiculous because they're not real, but they're a little real to me now. All this to say, nonnie, this comment and your appreciation of Willy means so fucking much to me. And my poor alpha reader who read like four drafts of this (seriously, M. is a saint) and my beta readers who then had to beta four iterations of this. To know that this effort is appreciated this much honestly make me cry a little (I am not having the greatest time right now, so I cry easily but the point still stands. Thank you.)

This message was actually such an energy boost I'm currently trying to fix the next timestamp, lol so I'll have something to post next month. You're a true treasure, nonnie <3

#anon ask #underneath verse

[nothorses]

in regards to your post abt the word queer, if youre willing, whats your opinion on the idea that queer and lgbt+ is not inherently the same? like for me, i consider them different bc to me being queer is not just an identity its also a choice, an ideology, a stance, a movement.

Its choosing to say "no fuck you we're here, we're queer", its choosing to be inclusive, its choosing to actually be in community and help other queers, its choosing to be true to yourself, etc. So when I say 'the queer community' Im usually not referring to the 'queer is a slur' ppl bc I dont consider myself in community with them.

But after reading your post im wondering if i should reconsider my stance on this, so if you have any insight or thoughts abt it id love to hear them! Thank you :)

I mean, I think the word has a lot of uses and meanings, and that's certainly one of them.

But it's contextual, right? When I take a "queer studies" class, I'm not taking a class in the intracommunity movement of radically inclusive queerness- I'm taking a class about the history of the whole community, and the theory our existence necessitates.

I don't really want this to be relabled "lgbt studies" or whatever. I don't want the academic community to dance around it; the overarching department that contains the "sexuality and queer studies" certificate program at my school (which itself does not mention queerness or even gender in any fucking description) is called "gender, women, and sexuality studies". And guess what! It too does not mention trans people in anything except class names/descriptions for explicitly and exclusively trans-centric classes.

Point being that this "dancing around it"-type attitude, even in my extremely queer-inclusive area and school, more than anything just leads to the exclusion and de-prioritization of certain queer people.

I don't want them to keep doing that. And I don't think drawing lines between the Real Queers and the Assimilationist LGBTs is worth that, or even remotely helpful in the first place.

You don't have to exclusively be in community with the people who already agree with you; if anything, that's kind of what's leading to a lot of these problems in the first place. You should obviously be able to engage with people on your own terms too, and you shouldn't necessarily try to reach people who obviously won't be reached by you.

But like, "they're not REALLY part of my community" doesn't lead to much except further division in the wider community. At a certain point, you're just dismissing any opportunities and obligations you have to improve your community in the first place.

And do we really want them to be saying that us dirty queers aren't a part of their pure LGBT (or LGB) community? Should we promote the idea of separate "Queer" and "LGBT" communities, which do not intersect and which are only and exclusively referred by one word or the other? Should we have separate "queer studies" and "LGBT studies", separate research, studies and statistics, separate nonprofit organizations and movements and Pride events?

There are, and always will be, ideological divisions and movements within our community. There will always be sub-communities, chosen and otherwise, within layers and layers of other sub-communities.

But we need to be able to distinguish between that, and the words we use to refer to the whole community together- even the people who try not to be a part of it, and even the people who try to force others out. Even the lesbian separatists and the truscum and the "Drop the T" people; they're still gay or trans or whatever else. If anything, their existence is an indication that something is wrong and needs fixing in our community; that we have work to do to improve it.

My point is just that both meanings can exist, and that's important. You can be part of The Queer Community as an ideological, intracommunity movement that excludes certain conflicting ideologies (I certainly am!); and you can also acknowledge that at the end of the day, the wider community is also your community, and you have as many obligations to it as it has to you.

#trying to be nuanced about this but it's hard to get this all across right #I just want to emphasize that like. even if you dont like or agree with people you might be and are still in community with them #even if its just by virtue of a shared identity or experience #thats kinda just how communities work! everywhere and in everything! #being a citizen in any society or community means participating and it means conflict and it means discomfort #and it means there will be and MUST be a diversity of viewpoints to challenge and be challenged by #its hard and it sucks and it's necessary and it's what makes a diverse & functional & sustainable community

[goodfully]

oh god i cant believe ive finished reading the neapolitan novels already, its over??? ahh okay thoughts on the last book "the story of the lost child"..

honestly i was dreading the last maybe twenty pages bc i didnt want it to end hahaha. its crazy that everything we've read is essentially all for lila. "i who have written for months and months and months to give her a form whose boundaries wont dissolve." ahh!!!!! what!!!!!! to spend so much of the book saying how much lila suffered and feared from dissolving boundaries, how she had been so overwhelmed during the earthquake when the entire world felt like its boundaries were dissolving, and then say that everything shes written is to keep her from dissolving herself... my goodness. "i loved lila. i wanted her to last. but i wanted it to be i who made her last. i thought it was my task. i was convinced that she herself, as a girl, had assigned it to me." wow... you ever loved someone so much... also.. the way lenu was saying how connected they are, that even tho she has written a lot about her own life in these pages, "the very nature of our relationship dictates that i can reach her only by passing through myself"??? god.

i think my favorite parts of the book were all when lenu and lila were so close to each other during and after their pregnancies. i just thought it was so sweet, the way they were basically a family together, two mothers and their children. going to their doctors appointment tmr, taking walks together, taking care of each others daughters like their own.

i have to admit that i was confused by the meaning of the dolls at the very end, but i love that the openendness of the ending was referring back to something unanswered (where were the dolls) from one of the very first scenes from the first book (altho very interesting!, considering how not too long before the end of the book, lenu was telling imma not to believe in the cyclical nature of society). to me i thought, perhaps also it could mean that (assuming its lila) lila chooses existing (with lenu) over disappearing? actually, when tina disappeared and dede had accused lila of losing tina on purpose, i immediately thought it made sense. the first thing we literally know about lila is how she has felt the need to erase herself completely, and tina parallels/is an extension of lila the way imma parallels/is an extension of lenu. lila wanted to erase herself without a trace, and there was literally zero proof of tinas death/kidnapping/existence.

in the same way lila wouldnt be able to erase herself completely without also erasing tina, i think about the idea of how the ppl we love will never truly be erased if we love them? thats why even if tina disappeared, lila cant be erased bc lenu loves her. like how, whether its on purpose or not to keep her mother alive, lenu finds her mothers existence with her in her limp. i think the same could be said about the solaras, who altho arent exactly loved by the neighborhood, are important enough to most ppl in the neighborhood and their power is still felt in the neighborhood after their death. also, i think its a little different, but im reminded of when lenu said something like the many fragments of ourselves are scattered like splinters or something (altho i think the context here was about their children). but no one is ever never really gone, i think.. oh.. i go crazy every time she talks about her relationship/similarities with her mother (the ancestors in her body when she was physically violent back against her mother, and the.. "must i watch you become worse than me?"), and her relationship/similarities with her daughters (her daughters reaching the same age as the ghosts of her girlhood), and every time the imma/tina relationship parallels the lenu/lila relationship.

i was thinking that this book was more of accepting yourself and your origins, whereas the other books showed lenu and lila trying to escape them? perhaps acceptance of the past and the agency you have despite the past that defined you? like when lenu realizes that ninos actions are not attributed to his father, nino is his own person and he himself is the reason he is a piece of shit man, not just bc of the man who raised him. and that part when lenu said that antonios tone resembles the neighborhood, but it is entirely his own. more so when lenu had published her third book and said that only words and stories from the neighborhood were the only ones with meaning, and that she no longer felt she was a victim of her origins but was capable of dominating them and using them to climb higher. stuff about the past and present colliding. it reminds me of when mariarosa said something like, a woman without love for her origins is lost, or something.. i kinda forgot what the context was tho.

oh another thing, the closeness between the childhood neighborhood friends meant so much to me.. like there was a moment when carmen said that lenu and lila are her sisters during that little gathering with the neighborhood group of kids now all grown up just talking to each other... i think theyre like family, they grew up together. when lenu goes in the neighborhood after moving back to naples and is talking to carmen, lila, and enzo again... they care so much about each other. and talking about how much they love pasquale too no matter what hes doing. sobs.

this just reminded me of nino.. (he was there the first time, but whatever! he kinda wasnt.) when lenu makes nino come over, i was so pissed... and i had a feeling something bad would happen while he was there, but tinas disappearance was not what i was expecting.. oh but enzo.. my beloved, he was so caring and attentive, not only to tina but also imma. ahh.. while im on the topic of men, the part when gennaro and stefano find rino, and gennaro had to listen to stefano yell insults at rinos dead body and then beats up stefano while crying that he is disgusted with himself for being his son. it just made me really sad.. these are the two adult men he has and is related to..

tbh francos death sticks out to me mainly bc he said something that i honestly believe and live by, i repeat it to myself to not relapse into whatever mental illness, "it [is] a good rule not to expect the ideal but to enjoy what is possible", but then he kills himself immediately after and it... makes me so fucking sad.

lenu said this only in the beginning about feeling the hostility from her mother/lila and felt estranged from them, but i often think about freedom vs loneliness. i suppose its also something throughout the whole series, with how much she wanted freedom and to escape from her origins, she /was/ lonely. and the time spent trying to be on her own without lila was also lonely. the end of the entire series when she felt her friendship with lila must have ended... that was lonely. i think in this fourth book, lenu expressed a lot more of her love for lila.

anyway... overall i loved the entire series so much... i am so glad i read it finally, its some of the best books ive ever read. im on a trip with family rn and every time someone asks me what im reading, i really dont know how to summarize all four novels all together in a way that explains how good and thoughtful it all is. also i know its adapted into a show, which i really want to watch eventually! i still cant believe im done reading tho.. like what do i do now! ahhhhhh

#finished reading #the story of the lost child #neapolitan novels