#thinking about people's perceptions of myself is really draining

[yamayuandadu]

Consulting the convoluted history of supernatural foxes, or why is Tsukasa like that

I know I said you should only expect one long Touhou-themed research article per month, and that the next one will be focused on Ten Desires, but due to unforeseen circumstances a bonus one jumped into the queue. For this reason, you will unexpectedly have the opportunity to learn more about the historical and religious context of the belief in kuda-gitsune, or “tube foxes”, as well as their various forerunners. Tsukasa is clearly topical thanks to Unfinished Dream of All Living Ghost, and I basically skipped covering Unconnected Marketeers in 2021 save for pointing out some banal tidbits, so I hope this is a welcome surprise. The post contains spoilers for the new game, obviously.

Obviously, in order to properly cover the kuda-gitsune, it is necessary to start with a short history of foxes in Japanese culture through history, especially in esoteric Buddhism. Early history: the Chinese background Early Japanese sources pertaining to foxes show strong Chinese influence. There was an extensive preexisting system of fox beliefs to draw from in continental literature, dating back at least to the Han dynasty (note that while the well known story of Daji is set much earlier, its modern form only really goes back to the Song dynasty). This is way too complex of a topic to discuss here in full, sadly, so I will limit myself to the particularly interesting tidbits.

A multi-tailed fox in the classic Chinese encyclopedia Gujin Tushu Jicheng (wikimedia commons)

It will suffice to say that historically the fox was perceived in China as a liminal being, and could be associated with pursuits regarded as ethically dubious, ranging from theft and banditry to instigating rebellions and promoting divisive religious views (so, for example during the reigns of firmly pro-Taoist emperors, Buddhist monks could be associated with foxes). Literary texts focused on supernatural foxes emphasized their shapeshifting abilities. In contrast with some of the other well attested supernatural beings in Chinese tradition, they could take a range of human forms, appearing as men and women of virtually any age. Often they favored mimicking people who lived on the margins of society, like bandits, courtesans or migrant laborers. It was also emphasized that they displayed a considerable degree of disregard for authority. The fact these animals lived essentially alongside humans without being domesticated definitely played a role in the formation of this image.

A contemporary statue of Bixia, a deity in the past associated with fox beliefs (wikimedia commons)

At the same time, foxes enjoyed a degree of popularity as objects of semi-official cult, still practiced here and there in China in modern times, for example in Boluo in Shaanxi. The religious role of foxes was reflected in, among other things, the development of terms like hushen (狐神) “fox deity”, or huxian (狐仙), “fox immortal”. The belief in such “celestial foxes” (tianhu, 天狐) was relatively common, and there is even a legend according to which there was a formalized way for the animals to transcend to higher states of existence, with the goddess Bixia making them undergo the supernatural fox version of the well known imperial examinations. If they failed they were condemned to live as “wild foxes” (yehu, 野狐) with no hope of transcendence. There are also accounts of foxes pursuing the status of a xian through illicit means, through a combination of praying to the Big Dipper and draining people’s energy, as documented by He Xiu in the 1700s. Note foxes were already portrayed as worshiping the Big Dipper during the reign of the Tang dynasty, but back then it was only believed this let them transform into humans.

The ambiguity of foxes is evident in the Japanese perception of these animals too. Supernatural foxes are probably among the best known youkai, and especially considering this is a post about Touhou I do not think the basics need to be discussed in much detail. They were believed to shapeshift and to steal vital energy, much like in China. Their positive role as messengers of Inari, a kami associated with agriculture, is generally well known too. The earliest sources documenting encounters with supernatural foxes are obviously, as expected, the earliest chronicles like the Nihon Shoki, where they mostly appear as omens. By the Heian period these animals are well established in the written record. For instance, Nakatomi Harae Kunge includes “evil magic due to heavenly and earthly foxes” among phenomena which require ritual purification. In addition to the tales imported from China being in circulation, some setsuwa written in Japan involved shape shifting foxes. However, supernatural foxes only gained greater prominence in the Japanese middle ages due to the growth of relevance of two deities they were associated with, Inari and Dakiniten. The latter is more relevant to the topic of this article.

Foxes, Dakiniten and tengu

Part of a hanging scroll depicting Dakiniten riding on a fox (wikimedia commons, via MET; cropped for the ease of viewing)

The connection between foxes and Dakiniten reflected their associations with the dakinis, a class of demons in Buddhism. Originally the dakinis were associated with jackals instead, but Chinese Buddhist authors presumed that the animal mentioned in this context is basically identicial with more familiar foxes, and that belief reached Japan as well. It was strong enough for Dakinite, the dakini par excellence, to be regularly depicted riding on the back of a fox. Dakiniten was originally a regular dakini, according to Bernard Faure specifically one who appears in Heian period Enmaten mandalas (Enmaten is related to but not quite the same as the better known king Enma, for the development of two distinct reflections of Yama in Buddhism see here). However, she eventually developed into a full blown deva in her own right, and her prominence was so great that it basically resulted in the decline of references to the generic dakinis in Buddhist literature in Japan. She was particularly popular in the Shingon school of Buddhism, and at the peak of her relevance played a role in royal ascension rituals, developing a connection with Amaterasu in the process (Amaterasu acquired many peculiar connections through the Japanese middle ages, it was par the course). A Tendai treatise equates her with Matarajin instead, though. An interesting phenomenon related to Dakiniten is the occasional fusion of beliefs pertaining to foxes and tengu, which might have originated in the similarity of the terms tengu and the Japanese term for the already mentioned “heavenly foxes”, tenko. Its best attested examples include the inclusion of tengu in mandalas focused on Dakiniten as her acolytes. However, a different deity ultimately exemplifies this even better. Iizuna Gongen and "iizuna magic"

Iizuna Gongen riding on the back of a fox (Museum of Fine Arts Boston; link to the source is temporarily dead, the image is reproduced here for educational purposes only)

The indisputable center of the network of connections between foxes and tengu is Iizuna Gongen (飯綱権現), depicted as a tengu riding on a fox. As you can probably guess, he was a (vague) basis for Megumu, as evidenced by the similarity of the names. While many other aspects of his character aren’t really touched upon in the game, I’d hazard a guess he’s also the reason why ZUN decided to include a kuda-gitsune in the same game as Megumu - the evidence lines up exceptionally well, as you’ll see.

Originally Iizuna Gongen was simply the deity of Mount Iizuna (飯綱山), located in the modern Nagano prefecture. Near the end of the Japanese middle ages he spread to other areas, likely thanks to traveling shugenja (also known as yamabushi), mountain ascetics belonging to a religious tradition known as Shugendō. Two aspects of his character are particularly pronounced, his role as a martial deity and his association with foxes.

I was unable to determine when Iizuna Gongen’s connection to foxes originally developed, but it was strong enough to lead to the use of the alternate name Chira Tenko (智羅天狐; “Chira the heavenly fox”) to refer to him. Foxes also appear in a legend describing his origin. It states that he was one of the eighteen children of an Indian king, and arrived in Japan alongside nine of his siblings on the back of a white fox during the reign of emperor Kinmei (the remaining eight went to China and became monks on Mount Tiantai). His connection to foxes is also reaffirmed in an Edo period treatise, Reflections on Inari Shrine (稲荷神社考, Inari jinja kō), which declares that names such as Iizuna Gongen and Matarajin (sic!) are used in the worship of wild foxes to hide the true nature of the invoked entities. The author further states that the true form of “these matarajin (plural) and wild foxes” is that of a three-faced and six-armed deity, which curiously has more to do with early Matarajin tradition than with Iizuna Gongen as far as I can tell. The two were not really closely associated otherwise, but it’s worth noting that apparently shugenja perceived them both as similar tengu-like deities. 

The key feature of conventional iconography of Iizuna Gongen, the fox mount, has nothing to do with Matarajin strictly speaking, and likely reflects the influence of Dakiniten. However, the animal in this context developed its own unique identity thanks to the presence of foxes in a type of ritual focused on Iizuna Gongen, which could itself be referred to as iizuna. The shugenja community centered on the worship of Iizuna Gongen was not very formalized, which led to poor understanding of their practice among outsiders, with the term iizuna basically acquiring the vague meaning along the lines of “magic”. and rather poor reputation. These rites are where the kuda-gitsune comes into play. Kuda-gitsune in iizuna magic and beyond

The kuda-gitsune, as depicted in Shōzan Chomon Kishū by Miyoshi Shōzan (Waseda University History Museum; reproduced here for educational purposes only)

At first glance, kuda-gitsune is just one of many local variants of the standard supernatural fox, similarly to the likes of ninko, osaki-gitsune or nogitsune. The etymology of its name is straightforward. I’m sure you can guess what the second half means, while kuda (管) in this context refers to a bamboo tube. You’d think the name would basically guarantee it was universally accepted that’s how one could carry such a critter undetected, but apparently there was an alternate explanation, namely that it was invisible. I have not seen any further discussion of this in literature, but I assume this might be connected to shikigami beliefs, as these quite often are described as invisible. Do not quote me on that, though. Even more bizarrely, there is no consensus that the animal meant was always a fox. According to Bernard Faure it is distinctly possible the term referred to a weasel. Kuda-gitsune could be described as a type of shikigami, but note that this term had a much broader meaning in real life than in Touhou, and referred to basically any supernatural being which acted as an extension of the powers attributed to “ritual specialists” (祈祷師) such as onmyōji, shugenja or Buddhist monks. In Buddhist context, the analogous term could be gohō dōji (護法童子; “Dharma-protecting lads”), though there are also cases where gohō and shikigami are contrasted with each other. The shikigami category didn’t just consist of animated papercraft and animal spirits typically designated as such in popculture. Even the twelve heavenly generals defending the “medicine Buddha” Yakushi could be labeled as shikigami. Obviously, kuda-gitsune is closer to the familiar meaning of this term than to Buddhist deities, though. People relying on kuda-gitsune were referred to as kitsune-tsukai (狐使い), which can be loosely translated as “fox tamer”, and it is said they were often shugenja. Given the popularity of the associated deity among them this shouldn’t really be a surprise. Various supernatural abilities were ascribed to the kuda-gitsune. The ability to possess people attributed to other supernatural foxes was the domain of kuda-gitsune too. Apparently people afflicted by it were compelled to eat nothing but raw miso. Purportedly they were bringers of wealth - but said wealth did not necessarily come from legitimate sources. That, in turn, could lead to distrust or outright ostracism of people allegedly relying on foxes to acquire wealth. They also provided aid in divination, and could supposedly reveal past, present and future alike this way. However, they could look into the soul of anyone using them this way and learn their secrets. Bernard Faure notes that occasionally it was said that they even could even be utilized to kill enemies who attempted casting spells on their owner.  Shigeru Mizuki's kuda-gitsune

Kuda-gitsune, as depicted by Shigeru Mizuki (reproduced here for educational purposes only)

While there isn’t much information about kuda-gitsune in scholarship, especially scholarship available online in English, they received extensive coverage in various books about youkai written by Shigeru Mizuki, famous for arguably canonizing the modern concept of youkai. Note that while I am a fan of Mizuki's works, his encyclopedias are best understood as something closer to Borges’ Book of Imaginary Beings, complete with some dubious sourcing and possible fabrications. However, ultimately modern media about youkai, including Touhou, owes much to him, and arguably he continued the tradition of night parade scrolls which often invented new creatures wholesale, so it strikes me as entirely fair game to summarize what he has to say too. Shigeru Mizuki cited the Edo period writer Matsura Seizan as an authority on kuda-gitsune. He states ccording to the latter, certain ascetics (yamabushi) were provided with these critters upon finishing their training on Mount Kinpu and Mount Ōmine. In his account cited by Mizuki there are a lot of details I haven’t seen elsewhere. The storage tubes after which kuda-gitsune are named apparently had to be inscribed with a certain sanskrit phrase (left unspecified, tragically) so that the animals didn’t have to be fed. However, releasing them and giving it food was necessary to gain their help in divination. There was a downside to this - kuda-gitsune were apparently hard to place back in containment once released without the help of a seasoned specialist. Also, they refused to provide anything of value unless fed well, and they had quite the appetite. Mizuki cites the particularly disastrous case of an ascetic who kept multiple kuda-gitsune in a single tube, and eventually couldn’t pay for enough food for his collection since the animals kept multiplying inside. According to Mizuki  it was believed that a kuda-gitsune could be gifted by its owner to another person, but the creature would come back if it was not satisfied with the food provided by the latter. If the original “fox tamer” dies before passing their kuda-gitsune to someone else, it will instead go to the Ōji Inari shrine located in what is now the the Kita ward of Tokyo.

Conclusion: Tsukasa and her forerunners

In theory I could’ve kept pointing out “see, it’s just like Tsukasa!” in virtually every single paragraph of this article. To answer the question from the title, evidently she is like that because that's how foxes have been in folklore both Japan and China for centuries. It is not really hard to see that ZUN is genuinely great at research when he wants to be, and Tsukasa's character is remarkably accurate to her real life forerunners, both as an adaptation of kuda-gitsune specifically and as a representation of the broader tradition which lead to the portrayal of foxes as supernatural creatures of questionable moral character. She engages in morally dubious “get rich quick schemes”, she definitely provides advice (of variable quality), and her self-declared ability from her omake bio pretty clearly reflects skills actually ascribed to the kuda-gitsune in folklore. In the newest game the ability to provide information is clearly in the spotlight - Tsukasa seems to be reasonably knowledgeable (she brings up Kojiki in a line aimed at Hisami, among other things), and other characters generally agree she’d be more useful doing something else than fighting. I do not think there’s any real reason to doubt this is what is meant. I think it can even be safely assumed that Zanmu’s decision to pressure Tsukasa to partake in her assassination bluff is rooted in genuine tradition. I’m obviously not going to say that Tsukasa reaches the platonic ideal of Okina, the quintessential character aimed at fans who like research, who largely seems to exist to get people to dig deeper for sources explaining the dozens of religious allusions in her dialogue, spell cards and design, but I do think it’s worth appreciating that the series reached a stage where even the minor animal youkai can be enjoyed as multilayered representation of centuries worth of genuine folklore and mythology. Bibliography -Bernard Faure, Gods of Medieval Japan vol. 1-3 -Michael Daniel Foster, The Book of Yokai. Mysterious Creatures of Japanese Folklore  -Berthe Jansen and Nobumi Iyanaga, Dākini (Brill’s Encyclopedia of Buddhism) -Xiaofei Kang, The Cult of the Fox: Power, Gender, and Popular Religion in Late Imperial and Modern China -Shigeru Mizuki’s assorted writings on kuda-gitsune (collected online here)

#touhou #touhou project #tsukasa kudamaki #kudamaki tsukasa

[mueslisoup]

I'm gonna get flamed for this (by *that* community) if I don't go anon

But I think aroace characters should just be aroace until they actually canonically SHOW INTEREST in another character

like if they knew they weren't completely aroace and just arospec they'd have a crisis but probably not know how to handle love 'normally' (LOOKING AT THOSE FUCKERS YEAH I SEE YOU) and do it in their own way because of their perception of love is different from well. Mostly everyone else's?

if they were truly aroace their world would be flipped like Jesus christ is this a crush??? Like it could just be an obsession because they don't have the normal Frame of reference everyone else has. It's even worse if the character is ND, because now they really can't tell if so and so is their friend, crush or whatever the fuck

this is to say I'm trying to learn aro culture and if I got anything wrong here PLEASE correct me

I'm not aroace myself but I'm pissed that some of the only rep you guys have is just... washed down the drain by the community

THIS!! I personally don't experience ANY sexual or romantic attraction, however I've spent years of my life talking to other aromantics and asexuals who DO occasionally experience these things so that I can understand my community and it's a BIG DEAL for them!!

When they start to experience this attraction they're usually uncouth in the way they go about accepting and acting on those feelings! And even more of the time they presume they're feeling attraction when in reality it was idolisation or platonic infatuation!

Drawing an aroace character in a sexual or romantic interaction with a character they've shown very little to no interest in and just sticking "I know they're aroace, but aroace people can do this too, don't be ignorant" in your captions doesn't make it alright for you to erase their identity.

I'm sick of people acting like its impossible for a character to not have sex and not be in a relationship!! Like they're not "whole" without someone else!!!

#arospec #aroace #aromantic #acespec #asexual #aphobia

[thedomesticanthropologist]

Ah. It is very hard to not have a person that is My Person. I've always had one, or- thought I did. Perception being everything, that void was filled.

My first one I lost when I was still very young, and I held onto her and waited for her for decades before allowing myself to realize she hadn't been there since elementary school. My loyalty and love so deep, waiting on a ghost.

Another dear Person I kept and kept and kept despite their toxicity and leech-like behavior. They were my Friend, but 18 years on I finally had to cut them loose when I admitted to myself that I was hanging on to someone who would never do anything aside from drain me.... financially, time-wise, emotionally. It was hard putting my foot down. But that one was my choice.

Then there was... my Person. The one I met in college, who asked me to fake-date her to get back at her friend's for not telling her that they knew her boyfriend was cheating on her. I fell for her, even knowing she wasn't queer, and even when our deep and intense friendship was suddenly put on the back burner when she got herself a new shiny boyfriend, it took me ten years... ten years, to realize she wasn't my Person.

A Person isn't a lover, let me be clear. They're the one that's there for you. A deep friendship, sometimes more, certainly, but not all of these People have been Loves.

So watching her get married was a joy, though I had wanted more, and letting that romantic emotion go away was a easy. You see, I still thought she was my Person. And just this month, after years of not getting reached out to, of me doing all the work to see her, just this month did it finally click in, a decade after thinking this was my Person, that she isn't. She never has been. I just thought she was.

I have a partner I'm married to. I have children. I have family that love me. I am blessed and grateful in many ways.

But I have no friend who is my Person. The one who sees me. The one who thinks about me as often as I them, who plans together and cares the same way.

I have a lot of ghosts of people I thought were more than they ever were.

And today, scrolling through my phone contacts and my social media I really had it hit home.

I don't have... anyone, anywhere close to the brief flickers of closeness I'd had with these ghosts. Online friends who I've never met in person come as close as possible, but no one I can touch. Or invite over. Visit, hug, plan things with, talk to in person.

I am surrounded by the ghosts of those who moved on, and the transparent holograms of friends I cannot reach.

It is.... lonely.

#personal

[samwpmarleau]

fic: clippers

aka 1,500 words of me continuing to not accept bucky’s tfatws hair

Dr. Raynor had recommended it, though Bucky suspects she wasn’t the only person involved. These days, there’s a whole pack of people with say-so over his life, getting their jollies by hanging freedom over his head. She said it might help with people’s perception of him if he looked less like he did as an assassin. If he looked more like the young war hero who fought Nazis.

(Saving the universe counts for nothing, does it? he’d wanted to say but didn’t.)

It had irked him, the suggestion. Perhaps because it wasn’t really a suggestion. Raynor had thought he was resisting just to be contrary. He hadn’t had an issue with dressing like a twenty-first century civilian, after all, nor concealing his metal arm beneath jackets and gloves, so what’s the problem, James?

(That’s different, he’d wanted to say but didn’t. That’s so I don’t frighten anyone. So I don’t get stared at and invite questions people don’t want the answers to.)

All right, maybe part of him was just being contrary, because he’s already at his wits’ fucking end with how many conditions and surrendering of liberties this goddamn pardon has. But as he stands at the mirror, sharpened scissors in hand, it is not contrariness that makes him hesitate.

Nor is it the unfamiliarity of cutting his own hair, for he’s done that many times before, both before the war and since. He’s even got a picture to reference of some duck-lipped model showing off what Bucky can only describe as Generic Modern Man Haircut. He’d be Just Some Guy walking down the street with it, which is exactly what the government wants.

So, he does it both because he must and because any reason he can think of to not do it sounds pathetic, and although it’s not the fresh sort of cut he’d get from a proper barber, it’s serviceable. A few strategic passes of gel to disguise any unevenness and he’d be good to go.

(He’d tried that once, in Romania, having a professional touch up the ends, had even managed to tamp down his discomfort through the shampooing and smalltalk. The minute the man brandished the scissors and approached Bucky’s head with them, however, it was all he could do to not take those scissors and stab the man in the carotid out of pure reflex. He’d made it to the alleyway outside before expelling the street mici he’d had only an hour earlier, overcome by how easy the murder would have been. How natural. How he could have eliminated the entire shop of innocents before anyone knew what hit them. Erase the security tape, if there was one, and slip back into the ghost he was for seventy years. He’d returned in the dead of night to leave an envelope with a note of apology and a wad of lei and, needless to say, from then on the only blades that touched his hair were his own.)

He doesn’t recognize the man staring back at him in the mirror, once all is said and done. Which is a bit ludicrous; it’s a haircut, not plastic surgery, and for most of his conscious life he’d had short hair. This shouldn’t be any different. Yet, still he stands there in the bathroom with scissors in his hand and a sink full of brunette strands, for far longer than is reasonable.

He sucks it up, eventually, adjusts to the new length — or lack thereof. In fairness, some of it is easier. Showers are shorter, his hair tie budget is nonexistent, the drain clogs with less frequency, and he doesn’t look quite so much like a drowned rat when it rains.

Dr. Raynor is pleased when he shows up. She says it suits him, that it makes him look normal, that folks will have a harder time recognizing him as the Winter Soldier.

(They already don’t recognize me, he wants to say but doesn’t. I could be standing in front of a newscast about myself and no one would notice. I spent the better part of a century in the shadows — you think I don’t know how to hide?)

“James,” she says in that self-righteous way she does so well, “this is progress.”

She must be right, for she’s got that fancy, framed degree up on her wall that says she’s right, and there’s the goddamn pardon thing that means he cannot step one foot over the line no matter how ridiculous that line is. He utters a thank-you to her, white-knuckles his way through the session, and continues trying to cobble together a life.

Sam brings it up one day, after Walker, the Flag Smashers, and Bucky’s tentative integration into the Wilsons’ orbit. “Meant to say, looks good, man.”

It’s an innocuous statement, really. Well, it should be. Sam regards him a little too long, a little too probingly, for Bucky to believe that it is, in fact, innocuous. Sam’s gauging his reaction is what he’s doing, so Bucky denies a reaction that permits any gauging at all. The slight frown that appears between Sam’s brows tells him he succeeded.

Sam keeps up the ruse nonetheless, following it up with a playful insult as to Bucky’s cutting skills. He texts him the address of someone who is, allegedly, the best barber in Louisiana, tells him he made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. Bucky goes. It’s not like he’s got anything better to do these days.

He’s the only white guy in the place, which elicits both stares from the other patrons and a hearty laugh from the barber resetting his station. “Sergeant Barnes?”

“How’d you guess?” Bucky deadpans, earning himself another laugh.

He’s gotten better at controlling his fears, his impulses, so the barber’s array of scissors and razors does not send him straight into the alleyway like it did years ago. The soul food from around the corner stays firmly in his stomach. The barber himself — Marcus — is jovial, considerate, and does his best to counter the uneasiness Bucky knows must be rolling off him in waves. Some good-natured shit-talking to cap things off.

Despite it all, when Marcus asks, “Just maintenance, sarge? Or you lookin’ for something new?” Bucky pauses.

And pauses some more, prompting Marcus to ask again, “Mr. Barnes?”

“Sorry,” Bucky says, realizing he’s a few more seconds of silence away from making Marcus genuinely concerned. “I just, uh …”

“I got a few suggestions, if you need,” Marcus offers. “Bit of fade on the sides, or —”

“No,” Bucky blurts out.

Marcus holds his hands up. “All right, no fade then.”

“That’s not — I didn’t mean —” Bucky takes a deep breath through his nose, exhales through his mouth. “I’m not trying to be rude, it’s …”

Bucky looks in the mirror again. Takes in the same face he’s seen for the past seven months, ever since Dr. Raynor gave him the suggestion-that-wasn’t-a-suggestion. He trusts in Marcus’s talents, that even Sam would find it worthy of a compliment.

(He can’t say he’d turn down a compliment from Sarah either, flirting ban be damned. It’d be Sam’s own fault, anyway.)

“I’m growing it out,” Bucky declares, as much to himself as to Marcus.

“Okay, cool. I can see it.” Then Marcus adds, almost pleads, “I gotta at least clean it up. No disrespect, but did you use a hacksaw?”

Bucky lets his mind drift as Marcus’s twang launches into another story. Half an hour later, he comes away with a list of must-watches and must-eats, plus a full pamphlet on how to not fuck up Marcus’s handiwork. After a generous tip and firm handshake, Bucky emerges from the shop feeling … not strange, exactly, but something.

The unspoken change, once it’s noticed in the months afterwards, garners him a variety of responses from the Wilson clan. When Bucky’s birthday rolls around, Sam and the giggling boys go in on a smorgasbord of scrunchies and clips that Bucky’s fairly certain were designed for a six-year-old girl. More seriously, a tin of pomade that Bucky knows is damn expensive.

For Sarah’s part, several hours later, the pain-pleasure of her knotting her fingers in his hair as she gasps out his name like a prayer is, he thinks, a resounding endorsement.

(Dr. Raynor would — possibly literally — smack him in the face with disappointment if she saw. Walker’d taken care of that, though, of her say-so having any bearing on his choices. Not that Bucky plans on sending the man a thank-you note or anything.)

As it nears his shoulders, Bucky supposes it does make him resemble the Winter Soldier. More than the bright-eyed draftee who gave his life for god and country, anyway, or the subject of the post-Snap government’s rebranding campaign.

Except, in his reflection he also sees the fugitive who’d been coaxed by his elderly neighbor into Sunday dinners of enough sarmale and mămăligă and papanași to give even his metabolism a run for its money. The man who’d been gifted new life, goats, and an affectionate nickname by Wakandans who never once looked at him with fear. The reluctant soldier who stood side-by-side with a talking raccoon and Asgardian god against an alien onslaught.

And maybe it’s silly to put so much stock in something as simple as hair. Maybe Bucky’s value system is in worse shape than his ability to tell fact from fiction when he wakes from a dream (a memory?).

But when he stares into the mirror with the Louisiana heat sticking hair and clothes alike to his skin, a house full of scampering feet, bickering, and hot breakfast just outside the door, it is not the Winter Soldier or James Barnes The Upstanding Member of Society that he sees. He sees himself. Just himself.

“You good, Buck?” Sarah asks when he comes downstairs, worry in her eyes. “You were in there awhile.”

“Yeah,” he wants to say — and does, because he can, because it’s the truth. A smile creeps onto his face. “I’m good.”

#idk man i saw some tweets about how bucky is seemingly going back to the long hair for thunderbolts and went oh??? #anyway. there's a bit of #bucky x sarah #because i couldn't help myself but most of this is gen if that matters #also feat. bucky's awful therapist #bucky barnes #christina raynor #sam wilson #sarah wilson #marvel fic #my fic

[databent]

this is just me rambling mostly about myself sorry. but i hate how much it Sucks having a completely invisible and often totally unrecognized+dismissed disability 🥲 like i have non-24 hour sleep-wake disorder and it makes it impossible for me to keep a normal schedule (when ive had to - ie when i attended school, or if i were to work any regular job - id get so sleep deprived i couldnt wake myself up and/or would become too drained to function) but circadian rhythm disorders are full on seen as nonexistent by a majority of the population and those that do know of them often think its just "being a night owl" and you "can just work through it with a little discipline". so access to a diagnosis and/or accomodations is virtually nonexistent and i basically just have to either constantly deprive myself of sleep and permanently wreck my health or just put my entire life on hold for almost a third of every month. and im fortunate enough to have a job that (somewhat) allows me to work flexible hours and generally lets me work only the days im awake to, but because of my disorder being so invisible i know that from the perspective of everyone else there i just look like a guy with unpredictable attendance who comes in at inconsistent times and often only stays for like three hours, with nothing at all that makes it obvious that its because of a fucking disability. so to almost everyone that doesnt intimately know me, for the rest of my life, i will look like nothing but a profoundly lazy and unreliable individual. and it sucks!! and it makes me so mad!!! and its hard to face the fact that even what i CAN do still isnt enough so i constantly have to break my fucking back and put a lot of strain on my body just to meet like what are considered bare minimum standards. im constantly walking on thin ice because there is just no understanding from people of what things are like when you have a lifelong disabling condition that cant be fixed. and i still have it relatively easy! bcos during the times when im functional during the day i have pretty much no issues doing so. but for people with an invisible disability that affects their ability to function or work All The Time theyre Still often held to the same standards as everyone else because of perceptions of what "being disabled" is and basically i just really really hate how society treats invisible disabilities. fuck. its not fair or sustainable its literally killing people

#.pdf #rd #n24 tag #SORRY im uhhh. stressed. and mad as fuck about always having to sacrifice my health just to keep my very part time job #and the fact that nobody else can even see that thats whats happening #sorry long post. i thought about putting it under a readmore but its my own blog and im not gonna make my invisible disability even more so

[carnation-damnation]

Oh boy, it's that time again! Now, it's pretty tradition for me to get pretty sappy talking in my art summaries, so if that isn't your thing, I put it under a readmore.

So...Not much art this year, huh? Maybe those who've been recent followers didn't notice, but I usually draw a whole lot more than I have this year. The reason for this is obvious...I got a lot more busy!

I got a new job (which has been the first full-time job in my life!), dropped out of college, and gone through a lot of life changes (Like going on Testosterone). This year has also held a lot of grief; I became an orphan in late April and have had to adjust to a lot of "firsts" without my Mom, and gone through a lot of really low points this year about it. It's hard to make art while experiencing that, lemme tell you.

It's hard for somebody who's used to drawing just about every single day to spreading pieces entire months across.

I couldn't be more thankful to the Sonic community and the new friends I've made in it for giving me a healthier coping mechanism than I would have, otherwise. I also have to thank my most beloved friends on the 'net and IRL (The latter can't read this but lol) for being incredibly gentle with me and comforting after my mother's passing.

I'm not sure where I'd be without them all, but I'm so so thankful to be involved in such a creative and friendly community here. I've learned so much more about art-making and Sonic than I think I have in quite a while. I'm so happy that I've been introduced to so many different ways people draw this one little blue dude. It's made me a lot more confident in the things I enjoy, and I've gotten a lot more benefits than I'd thought I would! Sonic is definitely Coming Back in a sense, or at least it has a different public perception than it did 10 years ago.

Now, for next year...

I don't know.

I'm still changing, physically and emotionally, all the time. I've become very wrapped up and invested in the changes that Testosterone has given and will continue to give me, as well as trying to adjust to routines that've changed when and how I make my art. My full time job is less mentally draining than when I was working in retail, but it comes with its own challenges and I don't have as much free time as I used to. Which is alright! This job is one I actually really enjoy doing, and I don't hate most of the folks I work with like when I worked fast food, lol. College is a no-go for the time being and I'm late on a lot of my personal life goals I set for myself, but I think that giving myself more activities/things to do outside the internet has been more beneficial to me than if I were here 24/7 after April 27th.

So...will you see less of me?

I don't know.

I still want to make more art and share more of my sonic and non-sonic related stories, but fanart is fanart and the lack of engagement on original work will always be a point of insecurity for me. For now, I'm going to play it by Fuck It We Ball rules and go back to doing what I was doing before I started writing this post! Making art when I have the time and engaging with the Sonic art I enjoy :)

#art summary 2023 #parental death mention #Shout out to lovelyn's au stuff that are on this LOL #I basically use these art summaries as a vessel to talk abt me. Very parasocial moment /j /NOT BEING SERIOUS #Anyway yeah.

[meraki-yao]

I feel like there’s something wrong with me - I don’t love the RWRB book as much as the wider fandom does and sometimes I feel like I’m being shamed for enjoying the movie more. I just can’t find the same passion in the book like I do for the movie. I tried a few times to get into it - tried to see what about it was so magical. There are a few lines I like, though that’s about it. I’ve read essays and replies and pieces that give it so much praise. What am I missing???

I know the book means a lot to so many people and nothing would be here without Casey….it just puts me off to know there’s such a vehement hatred against the movie adaptation. 😓 I try to avoid the negative stuff in the tags and online but sometimes it pops up and it gets so draining. I don’t want it to taint my experience of the movie because it really came out at a time when I desperately needed joy and love and hope.

I’m glad to follow people like you and others in this fandom who have a deep appreciation and love for what Matthew, Nick, Taylor and co. have given us ❤️ They put so much love and care into the story and i’ll always have a place for it in my heart.

Thanks for listening - hope this isn’t too much to unload on you.

Firstly thank you for viewing my blog as a safe space to tell me this. It means a lot that you trust me. 💜

There is nothing wrong with you for not enjoying the book. Books, movies, and shows are complicated things: We often see consensus in opinions because of the shared experience and taught moralistic values the majority of society shares, but at the end of the day, our perception is our own, influenced by our individual personality, experiences and thoughts. As long as your opinions are genuine (as in you really feel that way, you tried seeing the other side and still couldn't agree with it, and you're not disagreeing for the sake of hurting others and disagreeing), it's okay to have them. They are valid, and you are still a valid part of this fandom.

Just to put in my two cents, while I do love both the book and the movie, and I'm able to view them as equal but alternate tellings of the story like two parallel universes, I do find myself going back to the movie more. There are parts of the book I like more, and there are parts of the movie I like more. But mostly I think because I'm more drawn to older, more mature portrayals, I rewatch the movie more than I re-read the book. So if you're saying you like the movie much more, I do understand. Sometimes a book sticks, sometimes it doesn't. It's just part of the reading process. The fact that you acknowledge that the book means a lot to people and that it's the start of everything and can appreciate that despite not feeling the same way is actually really respectful and nice of you. I appreciate that.

I think a lot of the hate towards the movie is the common adaptation hate. Whenever a book is adapted into visual media, every book fan already has their own idea of what it would look like because they visualize the scenes in their head while reading, and they want the book to come to life page by page, word by word. So when that media goes against what they wanted, they get tend to get upset. Taylor himself talked about understanding the judgment that automatically comes with a book adaptation because he remembered feeling disappointed watching the first Harry Potter movie and realized that one of his favourite characters wasn't in it. The truth is, and I emphasise this a lot, that visual media has a lot more constraints that a book doesn't have, therefore adjustments and changes have to be made. In my opinion, as long as the changes make sense and are consistent, and the core of the story is still present and strong, we should learn to understand the changes. Unfortunately, a lot of people can't look past that.

There was a lot of negative stuff in the tags that I kept seeing when the movie first came out. But please remember that this is your space, and if you just want to have a good time, just block the blogs that write shit about the movie. I blocked a lot during the early days, and I was only using Tumblr for like two weeks at that point. There's a fine line between keeping your peace and staying in an information bubble for confirmation bias, but I think in this case, avoiding it would be the best thing. You're here to enjoy RWRB after all.

As for the tags, honestly, the way I do it is that I follow the tags, but I rarely if ever go look into the tags. See if that's something you wanna consider doing.

As much as you can tone it down and block a lot of it out, negativity unfortunately happens in one way or another. I've experienced it in this fandom. But ultimately the good far outweighs the bad, and if the bad seems overwhelming, I do think it would be a good idea to take a step back from RWRB for a few days and come back when the impact of the negativity dies down.

Again, it's completely okay for you to not enjoy the book, and try to make your experience as happy as you can make it. Thank you again for reaching out to me, I'm glad my love for this movie and everyone involved can make you a bit happier. If there's anything else you want to rant about please feel free to reach out to me again! 💜

#rwrb #red white and royal blue #rwrb movie #rwrb thoughts #anon ask #answered

[yuusaris]

Life Update

My ~*Partial Hospitalization Program*~ is over!

TW: cat death, suicidal ideation

To the people who were able to help support me and my family financially for the bit - y'all honest to God got us to my paycheck without a single sweat. It was like breathing fresh air - disability hasn't come in yet and it was a daunting looking week. It was really, truly helpful, every dollar counted, every charge got paid without negatives.

Soooo part of the reason for my program happening - there were a lot of reasons that compounded over the year so far. Y'all might know we lost Hammond at the very beginning of the year, but what wasn't mentioned was that I have a hefty blame on myself for what happened, and I'm not going into details on it. I had a messy falling out with a very dear friend and my bankruptcy filing has not started yet because it's daunting in the face of grief. We also lost our second source of income this year (another falling out and another death), we lost another family member, my job ended up hefting more responsibilities onto me as well as the ones I had gotten away with neglecting and through all of it, I socialized with exactly zero people, zero times about it.

I don't have a family that's very... emotionally intelligent? Problems are met with solutions and pick-me-ups, not with empathy so, it wasn't like I was comfortable speaking with them - my dad distinctly said my suicidal ideations were 'selfish' and we are not on speaking terms at the moment because of it.

I vented to a friend or two, once or twice, but it always came with the idea that I was burdening someone. This perception of myself as a social parasite, draining what I want and leaving people dry, is one that kept me from talking to people I regarded as friends and also kept me from thinking well of myself in public - I realized in my PHP that I attribute my value to the interactions I have with people. Strangers, family, friends, cashiers. If it's a person, they determine my value. So I try to net a positive value as much as I can. Which means "not using people for my own comfort or assurance or entertainment" - the aware people reading this may recognize that as 'an attribute of friendship that friends are there for'. I still haven't gotten around to talking to some of my online friends yet and - I don't have many in real life. I work from home, and left my home state in 2019 to be with my husband and his family, it felt a lot like they were tolerating me because of him. Even though I knew they weren't.

I don't really have any hobbies that aren't something to show off either - I write fic for me, but I haven't posted anything all year because I've had so little investment in my productive hobbies... of which writing is the only one. And when I don't have that I have video games until my eyeballs bleed.

I'm writing this all out to both shake myself of the idea that this is me infodumping in order to "manipulate you all into giving money in the future" (I'm aware I'm not, and I am not), or "make people say nice things about me while I do nothing for them to soothe my ego" (I can want validation/nice things said that make me feel good without treatijng people badly or it being about my value) or "just wanna read my own writing voice" (There's also just - nothing wrong with that??) or any other bad things.

It's just... my blog and my journey and I wanted to level with the people who care about me here about what's been going on and where I'm at and that... I dunno. That I'm a work in progress? And everyone is? And asking for help regardless of from who or what is different from mooching off people because the intent and the care for those people is entirely different and if you're really a burden, they wouldn't help you and I need to get it in my head that I'm just - allowed to talk to people about things that are wrong or sad or just even ask if even online peeps like y'all wanna do online stuff is still - social and allowed to be asked from me and not just of me and - lots of stuff.

And I'm allowed to do things on my own and talk to new people without feeling like a weirdo and a wretch cuz I'm not a weirdo and a wretch and typing and posting that this is how I feel is not guilt-tripping nor is it infodumping because it's my blog and my negative thoughts that aren't true. And I'm allowed to say they're not.

....

I'm gunna be doing an Intensive Outpatient Program starting tomorrow - it's similar, but shorter and less days of the week. By the time I start, disability should kick in, and I might even be able to apply for disability for the work hours I miss. I'll be looking into that on Monday.

In the meantime - I'm making Magic: The Dathering decks again! I'm gunna try to start an indoor garden - I'm embracing possibly becoming a Green Witch, but it's hard to find witchcraft stuff that doesn't refer to God or Goddesses - and deity-on-a-level-above-me worship, I've learned, is... pretty triggering for me, regarding practicing faith. We also got - so, in January, we got our baby Jungle, and in April we got Sandy and Sandy's training to be our ESA, and I wanna talm to taylor about if I can post pictures but the point is, I am a cat mama again, and they make me feel worthwhile in a way that's not about my value but is about my feeling fulfilled.

So - things are looking up! I'm going to more library programs as well, visiting old haunts and getting back into socializing outside but also - maybe online spaces soon as well. Becoming a person again, y'know?

Really - thank everyone, bumpers and likers and doners, for everything. It meant a lot to be able to ask for help and get it and know that I can just... ask people for things, not even money, just.... for help.

Thanks.

#me flavored soup #tw suicide mention #tw suicide ideation #tw animal death mention #tw animal death #y'know i promised myself i wouldn't cry on my own post but then i remembered that's part of what put me in a PHP program #you'd be surprised how many jokes do not fly anymore when you're trying to be emotionally and mentally healthy

[miscling]

🗣️ How do you feel your AuDHD affects your kinks?

this is gonna be an answer™️because like, my AuDHD affects me a lot. autistically i like order and structure but with ADHD i can't really do anything that isn't immediately in front of me. i get hit pretty hard by the 'Now or Never' mindset, in that i have time blindness and an unreliable memory, so the best time to do anything is when i think to do it. this means i forget to do things i want to do, and struggle to do the things i need to.

it isn't something that i think is bad, though. i don't think myself lesser for these traits and i get angry when they're painted as something wrong with me. a lot of the time, the things that my AuDHD impacts are things that i can do on my own, if i'm given the space and support to do so.

i've happily come to a point where i've kinkified my AuDHD, actually. listen, i'm better as a sub for being AuDHD. i kinda try to lean into the way audhd gets affects me and sexualise it a little, like i don't think it's a bad thing that i have, just something that makes me different. in fact because of that difference i can be very imaginitive and provide unexpected answers and reactions that can make playing with me more exciting than playing with someone you can completely predict. my imagination feeds mostly into my writing, but it also plays out in the diversity of my kinks.

being a toy for people, getting tasks, doing tasks, and then being rewarded for it fires off ALL the pleasure circuits, which i can then take into other things i need to do. the way i seek order and structure from others makes me exceptionally obedient and well behaved, i am a good girl because i am so predisposed to obedience. i might have an inability to keep track of time and formalities, but this makes me a better ditz, who is easily controlled by someone taking charge and giving me direction. it's so easy to control me with gentle tasks and rewards.

it can also make it easier to describe myself as a pet, because if i already have a different role then i can help define what that role is inclusive of my audhd traits. as a pet i need lots of love and affection, to be cherished and looked after, and i will appreciate and love in return for it. i might have special sensory requirements, but all subs have ways they need taking care of. mine can be used to emphasise the power divide between us. my specific sensory requirements actually provide me with a lot more toughness against phsysical sensory stimuli and a weakness to audiovisual ones, allowing for some very cool interactions with tickling/masochism and hypnoplay respectively.

when i ask for reminders, i'm not saying i'm not focused on someone, but that i want to deepen that connection by having that interaction where someone tells me what to do, then i do it, and then we both know that i will obey and that they care enough about my obedience to ask for it. that they won't assume i don't care any more, because i can show them i care by doing as i'm told as soon as i'm able.

so yes, i believe, fully, completely, without question, that there's nothing about my AuDHD that makes me a lesser submissive plaything, if anything, the contract of consent is even easier for me to negotiate because my interactions with society have taught me how to read my own sensory perceptions and needs in such a way that i can be 100% clear about the things i enjoy and don't. when i give up control to someone, it's far more powerful because it's so much harder for me to feel safe and secure.

one other thing that comes to mind is autistic masking, which is really a trauma response to being told off for autistic traits. i can adopt roles and act, i can sink into contextually sensitive headspaces much more deeply with clear expectations. if i know i'm being put in a dollspace or kittyspace or dronespace it's much easier for me to do that because i've got practice being what others expect me to be if i've been properly instructed. this can be draining for me, but i enjoy doing it for fun, and kink is very fun!

i think though, that'll do for this infodump. i kinda wanna distill down for a more concise post on the subject though... this is a bit of a beast to pull through! and i know i'd struggle to read it all since i'm such a ditz who'd get distracted half way through!

Thank you for the ask task! (7)

#miscling tasks #miscling answers #about miscling

[femmefatalevibe]

I have been scouring tumblr for an active advice blog, thank goodness I found yours! I recently had some huge drama with my friends, one of them cheated on their partner and I was the only one who took a stand against it. Now I’m left feeling really alienated from all of them, which I didn’t think bothered me as much as I originally thought. My current partner (they/them) and I have been together for nearly 7 months now on top of an 8 year friendship. They were/are best friends with one of their exes, which I had accepted and been able to build the proper trust with them about up until everything blew up with my own friends. Last month we went to visit their friend/ex and I was incredibly anxiety ridden the entire time and had a hard time enjoying myself. Instead of them being comforting and loving like they had been they reacted angrily and refused to talk, show affection, and blamed it all on my behavior. When we returned home we finally got to talk and they profusely apologized and admitted their friend/ex didn’t seem to have their best interests at heart. The friend never once encouraged them to discuss things with me or try to see it from my point of view, she just fed into the anger and helped to push us apart even more. They admitted they felt they still had some trauma from that relationship and friendship, being scared of her and seeking her approval. After meeting this friend myself, I saw a hugely skewed power dynamic between them and thought she was incredibly mean and controlling. I voiced this to my partner and they agreed and began to distance themselves from her, but didn’t want to discuss it or make any big decisions yet. It’s been nearly 3 weeks since we talked about it and even though the friend knows something is up and has asked multiple times to talk about it, my partner still hasn’t had the discussion with her. The friend/ex has been apologizing to them for coming between us and even me when I unfollowed her, to me it’s felt very manipulative but my partner is still trying to avoid conflict. The friend/ex has been very active on social media, commenting on my partners posts. I’m starting to lose patience. I don’t want this person in my life and it genuinely hurts me to see her all the time on social media; but my partner has asked for time and when I push them on the matter they get upset because they say they aren’t ready and have asked me to stop pushing. I’m not sure what to do, especially because this is quickly becoming a dealbreaker for me in the relationship. I feel like neither of them took the time apart they needed after their incredibly toxic relationship and break up, my partner needs time to heal and their ex is still the same toxic person she was. My partner not taking action is starting to make me very distrustful and it’s hurting our relationship, but they think I’m being to cut and dry about the situation. My opinion is that if you find a friendship is toxic, you should remove yourself from it fully. It hurts me that they’re so keen on holding onto this toxic relationship and even though I don’t think there are feelings between them, it makes me question things I never had to question. Does it make me a bad person to wish they would just end it for our sake? That I feel like our relationship is more important? We have worked hard to build trust with each other but it’s quickly slipping between us both because of this.

Hi love! I'm sorry that you're dealing with this toxic situation. People who triangulate others – especially romantic partners – can be quite emotionally draining to deal with.

I believe that you're very perceptive and have a clear, objective read on the situation. I commend you for this! It's a painful process to look at a situation like this with self-awareness and the emotional strength to confront the truth when you're in an intimate relationship with the person you need to evaluate for your own sake.

Personally, I believe that it's a red flag for someone to say friends with their ex (the only exception I could see is if someone decided to come out and express a difference in sexual orientation during the course of the relationship – but, honestly, even this situation is murky). Honestly, it seems like they're keeping her on the back burner and will never confront her because they knows that she will cut ties with them for showing loyalty to another partner. It might not be a romantic connection, but, at least from experience, there's a level of possessiveness that's innate to any ongoing sexual relationship (even if it's an FWB situation where neither person catches romantic feelings).

No, of course not. Any partner who deserves you shouldn't make you feel like you have their full attention and no competition – especially from ex-lovers. Try to shift your thinking from "am I a bad person for..?" to "am I getting my needs met?" Allow your expectations to be known to your partner. Use "I" statements to communicate your standards (e.g. I need to feel like my partner is loyal to me to feel comfortable in a relationship. When you speak to her, I feel uncomfortable seeing your ex fighting for your attention without you shutting it down. From my perspective, it feels like a breach of trust.") Then, set a boundary and see their reaction. A boundary around his situation would be: "If you continue speaking with your ex without confronting her, I'll need to end this relationship to protect my peace and emotional energy."

If they get defensive, cut them loose. Immediately.

Hope this helps xx

#life advice #relationship advice #sex and relationships #girlblogging #girl advice #femme fatale #dark femininity #dark feminine energy #divine female #self respect #self healing #inner work #self confidence #it girl #queen energy #female empowerment #femmefatale

[rexag0n]

Hi

Can we get some headcanons of yours about rex’s different relationships with other characters in fair city as he assimilates more into his superhero life? 👀

tagging myself bcuz tumblr sucks- @beckface

!!!!! yessssssss

Ok first. He loves the Botsford parents, and they love him. He’s completely delighted by how eccentric they both are, and how quickly they accept him as a friend of Becky’s and accommodate to him being over a lot of the time. Since there’s a fair chance he’ll come over any given day, they’ll always make enough dinner for him (Bob will eat the extra if he doesn’t come over lol) and keep his favorite snacks and drinks in the cabinet

He quite likes TJ as well but TJ doesn’t really know what to make of them

He and Violet get along really well. They will talk about anything together, and their conversations are kind of hard for an outside person to follow bc they have the type of conversations that just jump from topic to topic at a moments notice. They don’t really talk about “deep” things per say, but Rex is very impressed by anything vaguely psychological or artsy Violet says

On that note, wherever Becky is hanging out with Violet or Rex and her social battery is getting drained (happens much more frequently with Rex than with Violet rip, especially when she and Rex were still getting to know each other) she’ll go and find the other so they can entertain each other while she chills and reads for a little while to relax

They were taken aback by how nice some of the villains are (mainly Chuck and the Butcher, but also the Whammer and Invisi-bill). They had to recalculate their perception of villains in their head, but now that they’ve done that, they find aforementioned villains entirely delightful and have a healthier perception of villains overall

When Kid Math was still new to Fair City, the Butcher invited them to hang out outside of “work” (work meaning the butcher commits a crime and the heroes have to stop it) to get to know each other. Kid Math was completely bewildered by this, but WordGirl encouraged it and the two of them plus Huggy all hung out with the butcher and ended up having a really good time.

He and Victor Best are in the same class. Over time they become good friends (and maybe Rex develops a little crush on Victor)

If Victor were to ever find out what Rex is short for, he’d be the only person to refer to them exclusively as “Rexagon”

Their friendship is made more complicated as Victor goes more and more into villainry, especially since Victor doesn’t know that Rex (his friend) and Kid Math (his enemy) are the same person, and Rex hates keeping this from him

It’s a whole thing when Rex learns that Victor tried to steal WordGirl’s powers

Rex likes pretty much everyone. Tobey is the exception.

Most people see Captain Huggyface as a step below WordGirl, seeing as he’s “just” her sidekick, but Rex sees them as equals, both to each other and himself.

Becky and Huggy are trying to teach them Huggy’s monkey language so Becky doesn’t have to be there to translate all the time, with limited success.

I really want Kid Math to bond with the villains that WordGirl never bonded that closely with, eg Granny May, Maria, Eileen to name a few

When Maria gets her communication helmet back, Kid Math is one of the few people to not find her constant talking annoying (along with Eileen.) He thinks she’s great fun

You know that moment in dinner or consequences where Maria is like “hey do you wanna hear me count” And starts counting? She does that to Kid Math at one point and they’re just like “HECK YEAH COUNT! Can I join??” And they just count together for a ridiculously long amount of time

This is self-indulgent as heck but I really want the Botsfords to officially adopt Rex at some point sdfgfjfgf-

Tysm for the ask! :D

#wordgirl #kid math #rexagon #switching between he and they pronouns for Rex bc I can

[fushigikid]

On Suffering

I remember, a long time ago, following this yoga lady on YouTube; I remember thinking, “Ugh, another spiritual, flippy-dippy yoga YouTuber.” when I first saw her. But in every video, she would say something that I felt was smart, impactful, so I kept following her haha

She just came to mind because I was thinking to myself, “Next week is going to SUCK! Ugh!” because I had to massively adjust my schedules for the Thanksgiving holiday, and I’m not looking forward to long days at each of my jobs. I was preemptively “suffering” for something that (1) hasn’t even happened and (2) won’t be as bad as my mind is anticipating it to be.

I was thinking about that woman and how in one of her videos (which aren’t on YouTube anymore) she talked about the perception of “suffering.” When something isn’t going our way, or hurting, it’s easy to insert that unhappiness, or dissatisfaction into all aspects of our lives. We put a veil of pain/sadness/unhappiness over our experiences that needn’t be there, instead of letting the things happen and allowing ourselves to feel whatever emotions come through in that moment. It makes days, which would otherwise have been unremarkable at their worst, and wonderful at best, feel like we’re trudging through mud.

It is important to say, that this isn’t as easy as, “I’m depressed, I should just get over it.” and more of, “Why am I waiting for things to be bad, when they may not be?” I think the glimmer of hope we’re allowed to give ourselves about the future is profoundly important for our general wellbeing. And even more so important is being conscious of how we’re interpreting the moment at hand. Which basic needs are being met, and which more abstract needs are being met? Which are not? Does it impact the moment at hand? If not, we can save that energy for when the moment comes. If it does, what can we do about it?

Anyway, it was just a video about practicing being in the moment, which I sometimes have a hard time doing. Maybe to some it feels like an exaggeration to say that dreading going to work feels like “suffering,” but I think a lot of people can relate to that. The drain of capitalism haha

But being at my jobs is definitely not as bad as I anticipate it to be. I think just compared to enjoying my own time, and being creative, it feels like a loss. But I can be happy in my job, and the fact that my happiness directly impacts the communities I’m a part of is ACTUALLY really rewarding. It helps me a lot to remember that.

If you’ve read this far into this overshared post, tell me something good that has happened to you today, or something nice that you’re anticipating.

For me, I’ve had such an amazing morning. A great breakfast. I’m wearing this awesome new coat that’s really warm haha And next week isn’t even gonna be all bad, because I’m having Thanksgiving, two days off, AND a Friendsgiving haha What’s a few hours at two actually beautiful locations? I GET TO GO TO THE BEACH FOR AN HOUR TUESDAY AND SATURDAY! <3 <3 <3

#personal

[real-time-twilight]

Twilight vs. Life and Death #23

🍏Life and Death🍏

Maybe if I had been one of the cool kids, I could make this work for me. Come in all popular, homecoming king-styles. But there was no hiding the fact that I was not that guy--not the football star, not the class president, not the bad boy on the motorcycle. I was the kid who looked like he should be good at basketball, until I started walking. The kid who got shoved into lockers until I'd suddenly shot up sophomore year. The kid who was too quiet and too pale, who didn't know anything about gaming or cars or baseball statistics or anything else I was supposed to be into.

   Unlike the other guys,  I didn't have a ton of free time for hobbies. I had a checkbook to balance, a clogged drain to snake, and ac week's groceries to shop for.

   Or I used to.

🍎Twilight🍎

Maybe, if I looked like a girl from Phoenix should look, I could work this to my advantage. But physically, I'd never fit in anywhere. I should be tan, sporty, blond--a volleyball player, or a cheerleader, perhaps--all the things that go with living in the valley of the sun.

   Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine. I had always been slender, but soft, somehow, obviously not an athlete; I didn't have the necessary hand-eye coordination to play sports without humiliating myself--and harming both myself and anyone else who stood too close.

   When I finished putting my clothes in the old pine dresser, I took my bag of bathroom necessities and went to the communal bathroom to clean up after the day of travel. I looked at my face in the mirror as I brushed through my tangled, damp hair. Maybe it was the light, but already I looked sallower, unhealthy. My skin could be pretty--it was very clear, almost translucent-looking--but it all depended on color. I had no color here.

   Facing my pallid reflection in the mirror, I was forced to admit that I was lying to myself. It wasn't just physically that I'd never fit in. And if I couldn't find a niche in a school with three thousand people, what were my chances here?

My gosh, so much to unpack here. Let's start with the fact that Bella's monologue is literally only about her own perception of her looks. And it's so much longer than Beau's. Beau's ties in way more thematically with the following paragraph about not fitting in with his peers, which we'll cover next time. I believe his lack of assessment of his own appearance stems from the Beau is a Boy issue. As is the fact that he ONCE AGAIN stresses how NOT INTO CARS he is. We get it!

We also get a lot of mingled underlying resentment for being the responsible one in his household as opposed to Renee, but also that he seems to have a sense of his own superiority over his peers that he's so much more mature than them because he "has" to take care of his mother. Which is very fucked up, but also very interesting. I think this falls under Personality Differences between Beau and Bella. Beau has a much greater need for control in his life, which I think is also why he's so organized.

Now, while Beau doesn't take any time to describe himself, he does mention being bullied in school. I think this is a gendered issue for Smeyer. Beau was physically bullied because Beau was being bullied by other guys, and only boys are violent, of course *heavy sarcasm*. I believe Bella was bullied but in subtler ways, otherwise she wouldn't be so self conscious about not "looking like someone from Phoenix should" but this is something she's internalized and clearly doesn't register as bullying in her mind.

Finally I want to take an opportunity to point out a glaring instance of Stephanie being hoodwinked by her sons into using very cringe turns of phrase-- in this case "homecoming king-styles". This is a really bad one.

#twilight saga #twilight 🍎 #life and death🍏 #beau swan #bella swan #twilight renaissance #twilight vs. life and death

[cielothoughts]

a few days ago, something clicked in me and i spent hours upon hours researching autism and taking over 10 online assessments. the symptoms of it resonated so deeply in me. it felt like someone pulled back a curtain and i could finally see myself.

i feel so relieved but also terrified. my family doesn’t talk about such things. everyone keeps to themselves and judges in silence, nobody divulged physical illness let alone mental disorders (which is why everyone knows of my depression, but nobody ever talks about it).

at the same time i feel so validated by the autism community i have observed.

i have what i now know are stims, which people always wondered why i did and i had no answers for. i get so overwhelmed going to the grocery store that i refuse to go without my headphones (and now that i really think about it, i’ve always worn headphones and listened to music because i told myself i needed “background music” for my entire life). i get so drained with social interaction. i’ve always had trouble with empathy, and when people cry in front of me i get very uncomfortable because i don’t understand what to do. i barely cry. i don’t really understand the concept of relationships and only got in one in high school because the boy was my best friend. i’ve always thought that i was detached from my family, as though i were observing human beings but was not one of them. i jump from one obsession to another, immersing myself deeply within them until i get bored and move on. i have always had issues maintaining friendships and have always had a strange desire to do everything for a friend just to keep them. i have so much trouble making new friends and carrying on conversations.

are all of these things that autistic people experience? learning that it’s not how the “average” person experiences life is sort of crazy to me. i have lived my life conforming myself to meet what each person desires of me that sometimes i don’t even know who i am.

i would love to hear other people’s thoughts? i’m nineteen and this realization has shifted my entire perception of life and my history.

#self diagnosed autism #autistic life #actually autistic #autistic joy #autism community #new to blogging

[homeiswhereyoubelong]

i do not think i have ever had someone actually care about me. maybe a few people, there have only been a few.WHY AM I LIKE THIS? if there were a god, i wish he could fucking tell me why I’m like this or why i have to feel this way. But yeah, no one has ever truly been concerned about me or shown that they cared and loved me. my friend B is my only friend in person. he seems to care about me and it feels good to be friends with someone that has the same humor as you. i have only ever had one close friend during my teenage years, the rest have been lying assholes and people i never really felt a connection with.

i think it’s safe to say that the online friends I’ve had throughout my life have lasted for YEARS, they have cared about me in a way no other person would. i had a really great online friend that i knew from 2017-2021 & he’s fucking dead and I miss him so much. I think of him almost often. I miss him and our conversations, we never even had anything romantic going on, it was strictly platonic. but we cared about each other so much, he was amazing and now he’s fucking gone. i always remember our conversations and many other things, he was a true gem. i wish i got the closure i needed from him, the last time we talked was when i went to GA in 2021 and i sent him a huge paragraph on how much he meant to me and how great of a friend he was and then he replied and i was going to get back at it (i was working at the time) and then once i was going to reply I saw that he deleted all his messages with me and unfriended me. that’s how i knew something definitely went down with him. he had always talked about his plan and what he was going to do and told me was going to do it by that time or later, he was completely set on it. He had never blocked me before and even if we didn’t talk for whatever reason & he lost his account, he always found me again somehow. This time he just never came back. I feel so fucking terrible about it. I feel guilty and terrible. I don’t know what to even feel anymore.

now I only have 1 online friend, maybe 2? i don’t know what happened. i don’t know how it even came to this. i am completely friendless and alone. i have tried and tried to socialize all my life and its nothing but draining and i feel it has gotten me nowhere. there must be something wrong with me. I cannot maintain friendships whatsoever unless i really have that bond with them. Like I said, my online connections have been way more stronger and lasted for much longer than actual friends irl. i only had one close friend in my teen years and that cunt fucking betrayed me, they all do. lying fucking whores.

So, no. i don’t have anyone or anything. people think they know me but they only know what i present to them, they don’t know how loving i can be or what i have to offer. i think people are scared of me. i am not someone who wants to murder people, i am not someone who bullies others, i am not the type of person to be a bitch or an asshole, i am nice to everyone i see no matter who they are or what they are as long as they respect me and are nice to me, i am respectful towards everyone, i am honest and caring, i love too fucking hard, i am way too empathetic towards everyone and everything & yet people think i’m this dangerous battered individual who wants to kill others or myself, and all i fucking want is to be loved and to be heard. THAT IS ALL I WANT. i am sick of people having this perception or view of me. i can’t even express myself online without having someone think i’m fucking demented or a threat. i can barely get out of my house to go out, I have to recite what im going to say before going somewhere, i have no friends, i spend my days in my room when im not in school, i waste away in my room, i love and care too much about others, i am always filled with guilt, i am too socially anxious to even be in a crowded place or around others. i am paranoid. i just want to be good and express my inner thoughts and the things im interested in but people just want to have this false fucking narrative on me when they don’t even know me personally or even know what i’m like in person. why does it have to be me specifically? i see others post about more fucked up shit than i do, and no one says shit to them. oh but no, if I post something about OSMBLDN or sp11 or just talk about the government and how corrupt the world is - here comes everyone! thinking i’m some fucking terrorist! god forbid I post about islam! jesus fucking christ, i get it if a friend of mine is concerned for me but really - me and my friend B joke about these things everyday. i find certain things interesting and that does not mean i am going to go out and kill a bunch of people, i have no desire to do that, no desire for anything, as much as i hate humans and the world - i would never in my life murder anyone, i am too empathetic and care too much to do that. i wouldn’t want to throw away my life all because i took someone else’s. i have never understood just how one could simply murder someone without feeling bad. i am not that type of person and i wish people knew. i just want to be understood, loved, heard, cherished, & cared about, i just want to be heard.

[youremyheaven]

I really loved your post about moon dominant men and women. maybe bc I had a toxic friend like that, i liked that you kinda said a lot of bad stuff about them/criticized their behavior 😭 i LOVED that with my whole RAGE. idk if you can resonate too with all that I'll say, but i remember my friend always wanted to be on a different side than me. she legit accused other people of doing really bad things to her and, or told me "That guy is really abusive" for no apparent reason and pretended as if, since she felt that, then it must be true (also she talked shit about women and PROUDLY believed that if she felt that way about them, it's because they are hiding something/being sus). I used to think she had a good intuition, but she let that thing be blurred by her projections so much that in the end, she wasn't reliable AT ALL and mostly she was just picking up on things about herself and "blaming" others. Reminds me of the meme that says something like "Me saying there are bad vibes in the room but I'm the bad vibes in the room" lol. Also if you showed her proof that, for example, her favorite actor was an abuser or something she always replied "I'm not gonna believe that, there isn't enough proof" she used to believe the dumbest and craziest stuff like birds have cameras, her phone camera is hacked and someone is seeing her?? but if you showed her something REAL and TRUE she didn't believe it at all and she always said something like "hmm im not sure" I remember one day she was telling me that Aquarius was a water sign (it's stupid ik) I showed her screenshots and pics of a book saying Aquarius is an air sign and she said "I don't care, I don't think that's true" she was such a toxic bitch who never apologized for shit because she was incapable of recognizing her shitty behavior. she always talked about her parents as if they were the worst for the smallest dumbest shit like, her dad didn't think buying x was a good idea. One day I was suicidal and she told me that it was too much for her and that she needed to "take time for herself" Selena Gomez who?? and then claimed that I ruined her perception of me bc of that and she couldn't take it anymore. like?? if your friend being depressed victimized and ruined it all for YOU maybe you weren't a good friend to begin with. And it's not like I was draining her every day with my problems bc I'm the type to keep everything to myself and not ask anyone for help. She was the only friend who felt that way about the situation (it affected her so much that it was one of her reasons for deleting me from every social media 2 years later, out of nowhere, and making me feel like im the one who hurt her legit blaming it all on me feeling depressed once) she was also 3x moodier than me, 3x more mentally troubled and she attended parties/meetings with this face 😒 almost EVERY TIME, but if you were sad/angry or disappointed and you showed it, she always made herself the victim or said something like "Yeah that time you cried I wanted to kill you" like babe??? you are always in a bad mood but when someone else was, you dared to take it personally and act like you always do and know better. im really sorry if this was long, but your post helped me process this more than i already did 😭😭😭😭😭

omg bestieee im glad my post could help you😭😩😭 and im so so so sorry that you went through all that

as someone who endured a lot of abuse at the hands of multiple Moon dominant people, i really couldnt hold back on those posts even though I usually dont talk that much shit on any of my astro posts,,

what you said about the hating parents bit took me back to all the times my toxic ex bestie would fight with her parents over the dumbest stuff (her mom didn't let her buy something from the grocery store, im not kidding she had a whole meltdown bc of this) and what u said about them not giving a shit about your feelings/mental health LMFAO sounds exactly right,, i was sharing some deeply sad stuff and they said "okay i dont want to hear any more" like literally they said that,, i understand how some things can be triggering to hear but ??? there has to be a better way to deal with that situation instead of telling the person who is having a breakdown that u "can't hear it". she never apologised or saw anything wrong with her behaviour either. all the empathy i never received has pissed me off so much man, i feel u,, i feel so wronged for having put up with that stuff and for thinking that this is just how it is.

anybody reading this, please cut those fcking people out. they dont care, they never will and you will lose your time and energy on things you're better off without. cut them out. zero explanation. you dont owe them one.

#moon