#the inability to post this on my phone is killing me

[matan4il]

Update post:

Yesterday, there were no less than two terrorist attacks against Israeli civilians, one in the morning, and one in the evening.

The first one happened in Beersheba, where the terrorist stabbed and injured two people before being neutralized. The terrorist was an Israeli Bedouin, who had been convicted of drug-related criminal charges. The prosecution asked for his arrest, but the court decided to be lenient, to aid in his rehabilitation, and instead only sentenced him to community service. He was due to start in two weeks, but instead he chose yesterday to attack innocent civilians.

The second terrorist attack took place in Gan Yavne. A Palestinian man, who used to have a work permit in Israel, but lost it and remained here illegally, carried out the attack. The Palestinian terrorist started stabbing people at a gym and then at a nearby cafe, wounding 3 people, all of them originally determined to be in serious condition, one is a teenager, the other two are reported to have life threatening head injuries. The terrorist was 19 years old, and he was neutralized at the scene. In investigating how he managed to stay inside Israel illegally after his work permit had expired, the police has arrested two people so far.

Israel has wrapped up its second operation at the Shifa hospital in Gaza City, with another soldier pronounced dead (20 years old Nada Cohen), bringing the IDF fatalities in the Gaza ground operation so far to 256, and the total number of killed Israeli soldiers in this war, including during the Hamas massacre (reminder that some of those soldiers were girls serving in non-combative posts, without combat training or even a weapon, and were slain while still in their pajamas) to 600.

The end of one operation in a Gaza hospital doesn't mean that's the end of Hamas abusing medical and humanitarian facilities, so there are and will be more such operations. That's why I'm also sharing this reminder that nothing is sacred or even just... off limits to Hamas, who moved kidnapped civilians in ambulances, as one of the released hostages testified.

I mentioned in a post expressing my frustration over foreigners' ignorance over the conflict, which doesn't stop them from acting like they know better than the people actually living it, the Hamas-Fatah "civil war," which erupted in 2007, when Hamas killed Fatah members in Gaza and took over the place. The two Palestinian factions have tried reconciliation several times over the years, but it never lasted long. Israel's war in Gaza against Hamas and its fellow terrorists organizations is not over yet, but already there's signs of that tension. This def bodes well for Palestinians if Hamas survives this war.

A city council meeting in California, which dealt with Holocaust remembrance, ended up being the scene of some despicable displays of antisemitism in its anti-Zionist form. IDK what was most distressing to hear about, the way they screamed "Lies! Lies!"' at a Holocaust survivor, or that they took and threw to the ground the phone of a Jewish man who came to speak about his grandma who had survived the Holocaust, or that they mocked a mother speaking of her child being harassed at school to the point he doesn't wanna be a Jew, because he doesn't want to be hated... Maybe that they made my friend, who attended the meeting, cry on what was supposed to be a very special day. I saw coverage on Israeli TV of the city council, which both told me how bad it was, if of all things, that's what they're talking about, and at the same time, it was nothing like hearing about it from her. So I'm glad that she shared some of her own impressions about this ugly demonstration of hatred (I'm also scheduling her post for a reblog). I just hope Jews all over the world know that we here in Israel care about you, we love you, we are standing by your side, and we wish we could do more for you. <3

Speaking of antisemitism, and an inability to recognize it as such, to call it out and condemn it, here's some recent examples from around the world. In Spain, the locals went out for an Easter drink, a tradition called, "to kill the Jews," but insisted it's not racist. Attacking and even killing Jews actually was customary in Europe on Christian holidays such as Christmas and Easter. In fact, this specific nickname is derived from those old attacks.

In London, a policeman insisted that swastikas being displayed at an anti-Israel protest were not antisemitic, and should be taken "in context," despite admitting that a symbol that's abusive or would cause public distress would fall under his jurisdiction to act against.

In the Netherlands, a single mom of a Jewish girl was attacked for the daughter's choices (she decided to move to Israel and has served in the Israeli army) both at home and at her workplace, a hospital. The mother was so rattled after the attack at her home, that she wouldn't stay there. A Jewish hotel owner offered her a free stay at his hotel. In an interview with an Israeli reporter, the mom said she's considering moving to Israel, too (source in Hebrew).

This is 32 years old Celine ben David Nagar.

She worked as an office manager at a law firm, was married to Iddo, and they had a 6 months old baby together. On Oct 7, Celine was on her way with a friend to the Nova music festival, but they never made it there. The Hamas rocket attack started first. For 10 days, she was considered missing, and it took a while, but eventually they found her body. While her fate was still unknown, two days after the massacre, Iddo went on TV and talked about the fact that Celine was still breastfeeding. Following the interview, hundreds of Israel women volunteered to donate their mother's milk to the little baby girl. At Celine's funeral, Iddo asked said goodbye to his wife, and asked hr to watch over him and little Eli from above.

May her memory be a blessing.

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

#israel #antisemitism #israeli #israel news #israel under attack #israel under fire #terrorism #anti terrorism #hamas #antisemitic #antisemites #jews #jew #judaism #jumblr #frumblr #jewish #israelunderattack

[unbidden-yidden]

So here I am, unable to sleep again, because of the horrifying attack on Israel.

The stories keep coming out and for every new detail I find out, another part of my soul shatters.

[***massive trigger warning for the rest***]

I feel like I'm living in a parallel world to everyone who is not affected by this situation. It's been surreal to go about my work day and regular life as if the images of blood-soaked cradles, burned corpses, raped and wounded women, captives of all ages being taken away on vehicles, video of a small child being taunted for crying for his mother, body bags lined up in rows on the ground, torched cars and homes, and the raw grief of the surviving family members aren't burned onto the backs of my eyelids.

One account I read from a family member of the deceased was that she was beaten, raped in multiple ways and sticks shoved into each place, and left for dead. Another I came across spoke of a small child being forced to watch his parents tortured, killed, and hacked apart. Still another I saw was a report of several children bludgeoned to death so as not to "waste the bullets."

How can I possibly begin to process this?

These people look just like the people in my communities and the friends I've made across the sea. They have my Hebrew teacher's hair, my rabbi's cheekbones, they sound like the shinshinim kids we have each year. They look like the baby nephews of my fellow congregants. I could have davened next to any of them and never known. It is only sheer dumb luck that I don't personally know someone who has died or lost close family.

There has been a pit of dread in my stomach since Shimini Atzeret that will not go away. I find myself on the verge of tears at all times, yet have not been able to actually cry (which is not a good sign; an inability to express sadness in tears is a known post-trauma response for me) and I cannot rest normally. Sometimes I can distract myself for a bit, but the pain and grief rush back in immediately when I remember.

I can feel, in real time, this Jewish cultural trauma sinking into my bones.

And you might think I might be able to separate myself from it since I'm not there and don't have family there. But I can't, because I don't want to. I can't, because some tether bound me forever to the land as soon as my feet hit the ground there, and some part of my soul stayed behind when I left. I don't want to, because these are my people and so they are my adoptive family, even if I do not know them. I am my brother's keeper.

And so here I stand, half a world away from the danger, nervous and scared and grieving, searching our perfectly blue sky for signs of missiles that are not falling here and being startled constantly by the normal and unbroken landscape. The lush beauty of Midwestern autumn woods is juxtaposed in my mind with Middle Eastern walls painted in the blood of my people and their broken bodies beneath them. I see it in the waking light of day as clear as anything in front of me, and walk around like a person divided, in both places at once yet not being fully present in either. I cannot unsee it.

How can I possibly explain this? To myself? To the people actually having to live this nightmare? To the other people removed from the immediate physical danger but who do have blood relatives and/or other family there that they're just praying stay safe and come home at the end of the day? That they are constantly checking their phones for updates or even minimal signs that they're still alive?

The words fail me, but I the closest thing I have to an answer is love. I love my people and I would rather absorb this pain with them and carry it in my soul forever than look away from Jewish suffering. That is a promise I made by joining this people, that my fate would forever be bound up in the collective fate of klal Yisrael. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you stay, I will stay; your people shall be my people, and your G-d my G-d. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. Thus and more may Hashem do to me if anything but death parts me from you.

אַל־תִּפְגְּעִי־בִ֔י לְעׇזְבֵ֖ךְ לָשׁ֣וּב מֵאַחֲרָ֑יִךְ כִּ֠י אֶל־אֲשֶׁ֨ר תֵּלְכִ֜י אֵלֵ֗ךְ וּבַאֲשֶׁ֤ר תָּלִ֙ינִי֙ אָלִ֔ין עַמֵּ֣ךְ עַמִּ֔י וֵאלֹהַ֖יִךְ אֱלֹהָֽי׃ בַּאֲשֶׁ֤ר תָּמ֙וּתִי֙ אָמ֔וּת וְשָׁ֖ם אֶקָּבֵ֑ר כֹּה֩ יַעֲשֶׂ֨ה יְהֹוָ֥ה לִי֙ וְכֹ֣ה יוֹסִ֔יף כִּ֣י הַמָּ֔וֶת יַפְרִ֖יד בֵּינִ֥י וּבֵינֵֽךְ׃

[רות א]

I do not take that lightly, and I feel it in my bones. Some core part of me shattered at the same time as the rest of my community.

I cannot, and I will not look away. I will not close my heart or shield myself from this tragedy. And I will not forget.

עַ֥ל נַהֲר֨וֹת ׀ בָּבֶ֗ל שָׁ֣ם יָ֭שַׁבְנוּ גַּם־בָּכִ֑ינוּ בְּ֝זׇכְרֵ֗נוּ אֶת־צִיּֽוֹן׃ עַֽל־עֲרָבִ֥ים בְּתוֹכָ֑הּ תָּ֝לִ֗ינוּ כִּנֹּרוֹתֵֽינוּ׃ כִּ֤י שָׁ֨ם שְֽׁאֵל֪וּנוּ שׁוֹבֵ֡ינוּ דִּבְרֵי־שִׁ֭יר וְתוֹלָלֵ֣ינוּ שִׂמְחָ֑ה שִׁ֥ירוּ לָ֝֗נוּ מִשִּׁ֥יר צִיּֽוֹן׃ אֵ֗יךְ נָשִׁ֥יר אֶת־שִׁיר־יְהֹוָ֑ה עַ֝֗ל אַדְמַ֥ת נֵכָֽר׃ אִֽם־אֶשְׁכָּחֵ֥ךְ יְֽרוּשָׁלָ֗͏ִם תִּשְׁכַּ֥ח יְמִינִֽי׃ תִּדְבַּֽק־לְשׁוֹנִ֨י ׀ לְחִכִּי֮ אִם־לֹ֢א אֶ֫זְכְּרֵ֥כִי אִם־לֹ֣א אַ֭עֲלֶה אֶת־יְרוּשָׁלַ֑͏ִם עַ֝֗ל רֹ֣אשׁ שִׂמְחָתִֽי׃

[תהלים קלז]

#personal post #not trying to claim that I am in any way affected at the level others are #most other people are way more directly affected than me and I don't intend this to take that focus away from them #this is more of a diary post than anything #but I'm posting it anyway because I suspect others feel similarly and I do think it's one (of many) conversations that should be had #ארץ ישראל #jumblr

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Did I ruin a friendship/relationship I had with an ex-friend? AITA?

Back around 2021, we met through a mutual interest of ours, and all started out pretty well! He was sweet, he'd made me laugh, he'd shown time and time again that he's very caring, so we hit it off very well. I'd learned he dealt with an inability to read tones and felt himself unable to use empathy, which I related to - I had trouble with that too.

So everything was going well at the start. Then, we'd moved to a different website, if I recall it was Instagram, and that's where the issues began.

He'd begun learning about me, too. I felt I could trust him, and so I told him about a few issues I'd faced, how I could be people-pleasing at times thanks to me feeling inferior/disposable to others. He didn't like that whatsoever; he said in the angriest tone I'd seen him use; "I HATE people pleasers. God they piss me off."

Even after that, he seemed pissed at me. I'd shrunk. This passively reinforced my feeling of inferiority, hell it even established fear, so I begun apologizing and nodding along for me to feel safe again. It was odd, and I couldnt lie, I was a little scared of him now, but hey: "it was a one-off incident. It wouldn't happen again!" I reasoned.

But no, of course after that it begun to get worse. From time to time he'd shown even more of this behavior; He'd casually insult me, call me a coward, a doormat, say that I'm "too nice" for just talking to other friends. He'd even got mad at another friend for just calling me their bestie, and accuse me of "replacing him" because him and the other friend had two similarities to each other. I didn't have any intentions of doing so, and I made sure to tell him that, but he insisted. It got to the point where I couldn't talk to the other friend much anymore.

So later on, this progresses. I'm isolated from pretty much every friend I've made. He took up my every waking moment, from sunrise to sundown, I'm assuming Stockholm Syndrome was setting in at this point because I never linked him with how miserable I was. I'd tell him how I'd felt and he'd brushed me off multiple times, even getting mad at me, so I stopped talking about it.

He comes to me, says he's upset. I ask why and he says something along the lines of "I feel like you're not putting in as much time as I am with this relationship.

I'm too tired to protest, to tell him that he already consumed my life, so I nod along. At this point I'm miserably subservient, I can't bother to tell him how exhausted I am so.. I just, follow his demand. He begun telling me how miserable he felt around me, how I've been just messing everything up for him, how me attempting to comfort him and ask him how I could help has been pissing him off. I'm sure he even compared me to an abuser of his. I was heartbroken but I'd nodded along per usual, I was too afraid to do much else.

Around the end of this, we'd just started to send mail to one another when suddenly out of the blue, he'd blocked me. I was upset, but I understood: he'd said he wished to block me sometime soon (but I couldn't block him no, that'd make him mad), so I'd accepted it and just sucked it up.

Two days later he contacts me. He calls me a whore, slut, every name in the book, and outright says "I'd tell you to kill yourself but you'd probably just report me."

I asked him why he was so mad and he said he'd seen how active I was with other friends, since I was reconnecting with them. Turns out he thought I blocked him because his messages weren't sending through (which for the record, was because I was showering and wasn't on my phone.) I told him I didn't, and I guess that's when things clicked for him.

Yet he didn't apologize whatsoever. He said he wasn't sorry for how he treated me. After we'd talked he'd blocked me again after he commands me to stay away from his friends, maybe because he was afraid of me taking them away or telling them how he'd treated me, and to not post anything in the communities I was in. No, not just posts about him - legit, anything. Now the places I went to for comfort weren't comfortable anymore, especially with him still active there, so.. now I'm here.

Even now, almost a year later, I feel like I'm crazy when thinking about it. The shit he'd done feels like it was ripped from the craziest toxic YA romance/thriller novel ever put on paper. I'm willing to accept I fucked up somewhere but I feel like I can't be the only one at fault here, right? Or was he right and should I just.. suck it up? I don't know but I need the closure.

Am I the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[redactedgender]

there’s a honey

ao3 link here

(15k words)

some tags: Porn with some plot ; Switching ; Flirting ; Awkwardness ; we love an enby who uses gendered language in genderfucky ways ; guy and his inability to stfu /pos ; No beta we die like xavier ; yall have met crow already. let me introduce you to sage ; Overuse of italics ; so many italics

its finally here! my 15k word guy/honey smut :] today is also (what i consider) my one year redacted listening anniversary. this series has meant a lot to me during the past year, and im very happy to have found out abt it when i did.

so, here's a fic that i hadn't originally planned on posting for my one year, but hey, guess now's as good a time as any to post it!

a reminder: this fic is 18+/NSFW.

a snippet under the cut

They hated to admit it, but kissing Guy was very quickly becoming their favorite thing to do. Not that they would ever admit that to him, of course. They had an image to maintain. But in their mind, they could think about kissing their boyfriend all they wanted. The quick pecks in the morning before he rushed off to work, the slow kisses they would share while he cooked dinner (because despite working almost every day in a pizza place making pizzas for sometimes ten hours or more in a single day, Guy liked cooking for the two of them), the multiple pecks across their face as he tried to distract them from something, mostly their work. There was something about Guy that made them act like— this . Like some kind of punch-drunk teeanger experiencing their first real relationship. Butterflies in their stomach, face constantly flushed anytime they looked at him, feeling flustered when he would say their name, all of the stuff that they had never experienced before. Guy surely was giving them the real “boyfriend experience” that they had only read about in high school. Speaking of their boyfriend— Sage looked up from their phone at the sound of the bell ringing out as the door into Max’s Rustic Pizza opened, and rolled their eyes at Guy’s frazzled grin and wide-eyed stare at his partner. Sage was leaning against the hood of their car, headphones on and blasting music, though it had been turned off and the headphones had been moved to hang around Sage’s neck. Guy looked them up and down, eyebrows wiggling enticingly, and Sage made a disgusted little noise they didn’t mean, which only made Guy laugh. Like Sage wasn’t just wearing jeans and a hoodie. He was ridiculous sometimes. “Hey there, hot stuff!” Guy called out, leering closer to his partner and arching an eyebrow. “Who are you waiting for, huh? Certainly someone as hot as you managed to bag someone as equally hot, right? I just know they’ve gotta be charming and handsome, and extremely funny, too!” He grinned, and Sage elbowed him in the arm, not hard, but sharp enough to make him recoil back and hold his arm. “Ow! I was complimenting you, what’d you do that for?” “Never call me ‘hot stuff’ again, first of all,” they retorted, adjusting their position against their car and tugging their hoodie around their shoulders tighter as a sharp wind tore through the air. Even though it was April and most of the days were getting warmer and warmer, the occasional chilly day still popped up, and today was one of them. “Second of all, I’m waiting for you , so I can go back to the apartment and finally play Zelda since you wanted to watch me play it instead of playing it yourself.” “Aww, c’mon, honey,” Guy crooned, resting one hand on the hood of the car and leaning his hip against it, tilting his head to peer at them with his (really fucking pretty, goddamn this fucking guy—) hazel eyes. “You know why I like watching you play it—you get so into the game, it’s adorable!” “It’s adorable when I’m screaming ‘fuck’ at the Lynels for killing me for the fifth time in a row? Or that one time I got so angry when I fell off a cliff and clipped through the world and lost all my gear that I had to go into my room before I punched our TV?” They deadpanned, eyebrow raised in question, and Guy nodded and grinned, biting his bottom lip like he was trying (and failing) to contain his excitement.  “Mhm!” He brought his other hand to scratch at his head, a habit he had. “I mean, you’re just so good at the game, so it’s hardly fair for me to even play it! It’s much better as a viewing experience anyway, especially with my head in your lap. I mean, the only way it would be an even better viewing experience would maybe include me on my knees. Or maybe with my head between your—” Sage slapped Guy’s arm again, ignoring the way their face felt flushed at what their boyfriend was insinuating. “Not in public, you—!”

continue reading here!

#dog.txt #redacted audio #redactedverse #redacted asmr #redacted fanfic #guy #honey #redacted audio guy #redacted audio honey #ao3 fanfic #whining mutt #mdni #nsft

[nalyra-dreaming]

Hi! Me again, I'm loving your blog, I hope you don't mind the spam (tell me if you do no worries).

As someone that hasn't read the books (maybe maybe I will, I downloaded the first book) I'm having a great time here!

I'm wondering about covens, basically anything the books give about them, are there a lot of them, do the books go more into everyday(night) life or practicalities, what makes a vampire a rogue one, are all fledglins destroyed that weren't made with coven(master) approval, what is the correct way to make new vamps (aside from not letting powerful vamps make new ones), how to the T are the laws followed (I loved that post comparing the different versions of the laws from different books)

I'm not demanding a reply here, I'm just very sleepy and my brain's a bit mush from too much phone 😅😅 I'm wishing you a lovely day!! 💛💛

Hey!

(You're not spamming, no worries :))

Soooo... this is a bit difficult to answer, because it's an ever-shifting thing in the books, the covens.

Like, for example the Children of Satan/Darkness. An early christian cult, with strict rules (the ones you read) that were ruthlessly enforced.

But they were not the default structure, they were actually a cult.

The covens... build and then fall apart through the need of these vampires for companionship, and their inability to uphold the relationship through the ages.

They shift with the ages (if they are not cults), and a lot of those who endure (thinking Rhoshamandes here, for example) do so because they lean more towards families (I'd say, in the grand scheme of things).

There... is no "correct" way, not even for making another one. Or honing ones gifts. They all just go on and learn through the ages, sometimes from each other.

Because there are no great answers, no important lessons, not even after we (they) get the backstory. Most vampires end up killing themselves, though of course there's fights to the death also. But loneliness and time are the big enemies, ultimately.

As per what makes a vampire a "rogue" one?

That is probably up to interpretation of the ... more powerful one.

Eudoxia, in Constantinople mentioning that rogues must be driven away. Armand employing the rules he learnt over centuries even in modern times. Lestat carefully building the reputation at least that he destroys every vampire who enters NOLA (mentioned in Blackwood Farm). For example.

It's not written in stone, because there is no... "leader". For a long time at least:), not after Akasha goes silent.

Exactly that point changes over the last books though, and that is when rules are established for all of them - which in turn does not sit well with all of them (a case of "what gave you the authority", literally).

As in "our" world the rules are set by those in power. And the powerful enforce them - if they so choose.

#honeybreadbee #ask nalyra #amc iwtv #iwtv #amc interview with the vampire #interview with the vampire amc #iwtv amc #interview with the vampire #the vampire chronicles #vc #vampire chronicles #armand #covens #rules #lestat de lioncourt

[velarisvalkyrie]

HOFAS Spoilers: What I Liked vs What I Didn't

Disclaimer: I just need someone to process this with. Usually, I enjoy my entertainment quietly and don't feel the need to make public posts but I need someone to process this book with lol. Anything you disagree with me about is 100% okay!!! I'm not one to argue or put down opinions in fandoms. I'm just curious if anyone else is sharing similiar feelings as me.

What I Did Enjoy:

Bryce flicking peas down to the beasts below her holding cell. It was so on brand of her and funny to me.

Bryce having to explain what a cell phone was.

Nesta and Azriel's friendship. I know this is a CC book and I won't dwell too much on the ACOTAR crossover. However, Nesta and Azriel's friendship has always been one of my favorites and there were sooo many cute moments between them. That hug after she uses the mask??? That hug and him stroking her hair broke something in me then hit the repair button.

Bryce really snatched Az's favorite kitchen knife and jumped in a crystal coffin back home. Iconic.

Hunt, Baxian and Ruhn holding onto their brotherhood in the dungeons through humor. Trying to keep one another from breaking. Acknowledging one another in the darkest of times they endured together. They really tried so hard to keep each other from losing all hope.

Hunt thinking of Bryce to keep moving onward. Thinking of how she brought him so much joy. Calling her his mate and his wife and his princess (I love terms of endearment so personally stuff like this sends me melting).

Hunt calling Bryce his best friend :c

Lidia saving the boys like the badass that she is and doing it with a well thought out plan coordinated with Dec and Flynn and all those lovely sprites.

Confirmation that Lidia is related to Aelin. I sobbed. I already expected it but when I got to that chapter of the book I started sobbing uncontrolllably. Aelin would be so proud of Lidia for working to bring the Asteri down by any means necessary and protecting who she loves and cares for so deeply.

Sprites. No explanation needed.

I really liked Flynn this book!!! I saw a side of him that I did not get to see much of in HOEAB or HOSAB. Flynn was really considerate, protective, and remained mindful of circumstances and adapted to them.

Dec deserves several awards for his hacking skills.

Hunt's Daddies lol what a fascinating concept of Hunt also essentially being "Made" and coming from Hel

JESIBA 😭 Jesiba and her love for Bryce and her respect and just - I cried so much because Jesiba always knew what Bryce needed. She was tough love and really kept Bryce moving forward after Danika died. So for Jesiba to step up and finally be at peace while also saving Bryce was so emotional to me.

Ruhn and Lidia finally having that beer together.

Baxian in a panic cuz flying horses lol

Bryce getting to see her real life JJ - I would also be thrilled to see flying horses.

What I Did Not Enjoy:

Tharion's entire storyline irritated me. I'm sorry to Tharion fans but I just could not find it in myself to connect to his storyline in this book. His inability to make a decision and face the consequences had me grinding my teeth especially if his actions put other people in danger.

Bryce vs Nesta and Azriel. While I love all three of these characters, I did not love all of them together when it became very apparent nothing good was coming from their meeting. Both sides were valid in not fully trusting one another but it really felt as though Bryce was written as the excuse to expose Az and Nesta to new information. Like it all felt very strange.

Ithan and Sigrid. Why introduce Sigrid at all only for her to be killed so quickly??? She was built up to be this key role that would change everything for the wolf shifters but ends up dead by the end of Part 1. Also Ithan didn't truly have a well rounded character arc to me. It was very much: Ithan makes poorly thought out choice. Ithan doesn't like the outcome. Ithan feels heavy guilt. Ithan tries to fix it. Ithan makes a larger mess. Ithan makes poorly thought out choice - like it was the same loop until somehow he is the new Prime ????? How is he going to make wise choices and assert leadership over an entire pack when he can't even do so for himself.

Bryce dismissing Hunt's trauma. I understand a lot was going on and she needed him focused but like Hunt, Baxian and Ruhn were put through a lot of pain. The physical torture was brutal. The mental exhaustion of trying not to let your mind shatter from such torment had to be hard. Trying to keep your emotions from getting the best of you. And yet Bryce wanted him to just move on and do what she needed asap. She could have at least told him that she knows he is hurting and she wants to provide her support and proper attention when they are in the right circumstances that she can offer it. When they aren't being chased down or fighting enemies or surrounded by their friends.

Everyone moving on way too quickly from Hunt, Baxian and Ruhn being in those dungeons. They siffered a lot and everyone moved on so fast as if they weren't carrying some heavy shit on their shoulders and in their thoughts.

Characters thinking about sex so often amongst all the stress, battle, and life altering decision making. Like ? We are in a very important part of this journey. A huge battle is on the rise and lives are at risks and somehow all of you are thinking this much about being with your partners? That is so unrealistic. There is a time and place for that type of intimacy and connection with your special person and SJM wrote those moments in the strangest circumstances and places that it became annoying.

Bryce and her attitude toward the Fae. I was very disappointed im the way Bryce generalized all of the Fae and was considering not doing anything for them after defeating the Asteri. It took away from some of her potential character growth and as much as she hates the Fae she is half Fae herself and there are others like her who need someone in their corner. Her whole conversation with Flynn's sister where she goes on and on about how awful Fae are and they don't deserve to be united really turned me off. I know Bryce had terrible experiences but to generalize everyone because of those experiences and consider doing nothing when she could start the chain reaction toward positive change for the Fae who want to do better and be better was a turn off. I found myself not liking her a lot through the story which is sad cuz I liked Bryce in the previous 2 books so much but in HOFAS she kept disappointing me with some of her thoughts and emotions. It was like she was stunting her own character growth.

Lidia having kids. Why? Why does everyone need children? I don't say that hatefully either! Personally, I love children and I also support anyone's choice to have kids or not to have kids. However, there was no real reason to throw in twins to Lidia's storyline. I don't see how that progresses the plot and it almost felt like writing that she is a mother is a security blanket to make others feel more comfortable with the choices she made when she was The Hind. I'll be so honest, if Lidia just flat out admitted she always intended to be a double agent or she just realized how bad the system was I would have accepted that. Having this plot twist of having twins had me tilting my head.

Did anyone else feel like Lidia became more withdrawn and started leaning into stereotypical traits? Am I the only one who felt like her character in HOFAS was vastly different than how we saw her as Daybright in HOSAB?

Autumn King. I didn't need him to have redemption but it is strange to have scattered a few hints in HOEAB and in HOSAB and even in HOFAS that perhaps the Autumn King cared about his kids at some level and that he had some regrets with Bryce and Ember only for him to be the absolute worst. Personally, just keep him a consistent villian. I already didn't like him for how he abused Ruhn and Bryce, but there were small moments where SJM had me thinking: ... maybe this is an act? Maybe he cares and thinks he is preparing them for the way they may be treated by enemies in the only way he knows how? No! Nope! He was just as awful as I initially thought.

Tharion's marriage. Sooooooo out of nowhere. I couldn't even root for them because the whole time I was thinking about how Tharion had the River Queen, Ocean Queen and Viper Queen all wanting his ass handed to them on a silver tray, fins and all. Like ??? And you just married this girl without considering your enemies might hear the news and snatch her up as a way to play on your guilt, hero complex, and impulse. Like I'll root for this couple when Tharion is less foolish.

#hofas spoilers #hofas #bryce quinlan #hunt athalar #crescent city

[tarithenurse]

A whole world

Fandom: MCU AU Pairing: Natasha Romanoff &/x fem!reader Content: Fluff, a bit of Italy, bubble tea, taking chances. A/N: Got an outline from my wonderful friend, tantefrutsel-creativenurse, and decided to run with it.

A whole world

The world is a big place...at least that’s what you though before you grew up. But as you grew older and technology developed? Well, in some ways the worlds shrank.

Everyday people are bombarded by news from all around the globe and personally, thanks to social media platforms, you’ve gotten to know people from other countries and you wouldn’t have it any other way because you get to know about cultures that otherwise would have been barred for you. So in that sense, the world is smaller.

But there’s one detail: what you wouldn’t give to have your best friend closer to you! In that sense the world is still too big.

Getting a best friend over the internet wasn’t exactly something you’d planned. It just happened. One day someone commented on a post, you replied and a few dozen comments later you were mutuals. From there is went fairly quick with (for you) late night chats and links to silly videos and interesting articles because sometime along the way you found out that you shared interests. You can’t quite recall when the change from chatty mutual to friend to best friend happened. But you’re glad it did because suddenly you had someone with whom you could be completely honest.

The benefit is that when you lie awake at crap in the night with anxiety running through your body, that someone is always a bleep from the phone away to help you calm down by soothing or distracting you. The issues with having a best friend through the internet are stuff like time zones and the inability to hug each other when needed.

You could use one of those hugs now you’re off on vacation with your family (whom you love but they are just a tad too much sometimes). Especially your mom who keeps poking you about getting a boyfriend as if she doesn’t know that it isn’t going to happen.

Right now, you’re stuck in a vacation house with your parents and two brothers who are bickering over what movie to watch while you’re texting Nat about your misery and apologizing for the umptienth time that you’ll be around less for a week. An entire week! Why your parents had gotten the idea that that long together would be a good idea, you don’t know. You should have said no when they invited you, but how often do you get to go to Italy on someone else’s dime?

“Why don’t you put your phone away for a bit?” your mother’s voice breaks through your focus.

“Yes mom,” you mumble, adding a few exclamation marks before tugging the phone in your pocket so you can feel if it vibrates.

[I crave bubble tea!]

...

Two days have passed and its only due to a healthy amount of walks and a couple of good books that no one has murdered anyone yet.

Today your mom has decreed that it’s time to visit the local market.

[I’ll get you something from here,] you’ve written to Nat, sending her a picture of the first row of stalls.

Right away there’s an answer: [The market looks great! Is it by San Lorenzo? The guide on the internet talks about a bubble tea shop near the cathedral of Maria del Fiore.]

[So non-Italian! The irony! I better check that out then...be prepared for loads of pictures on the way!]

It’s not that you have a problem with the Italian cuisine but sometimes you just have a craving and this has been one of them for the last days. An extra 10 minutes of walking to get your craving fulfilled? You’d do that gladly.

“Hey dad?” You poke your father’s shoulder, making him grunt unintelligibly without looking up from the sausage vendor’s selection. “I’m just gonna get a bubble tea at the cathedral...I’ll be back soon, okay?”

“Your mom’s gonna kill me...” he frets.

I know how to bribe you. “I’ll bring you one too.”

“Alright, but take a brother or two.”

The boys (in as much as they can be called boys now) are 23 and 25 and tall for their age compared to the average Italian. In other words, they tend to carve a path in the throng of people and you suppose a bit of company won’t harm you.

By the time you reach Piazza del Duomo, you’ve already taken several pictures and send to Nat, enjoying the rapid responses from her.

“Who are you writing?” your youngest brother asks.

“Just a friend.”

“Must be quite some friend considering you’ve been texting them non-stop since we arrived,” your other brother chimes in.

You hesitate for a second, unsure how to explain it if they keep asking. “My best friend. Natasha.”

Angling yourself to catch the light shining on to the red dome of the cathedral, you snap a selfie and send it before really starting to look for the bubble tea shop which turns out to be further down alongside the piazza.

Already you’ve decided on flavours but before stepping in, you take a last selfie with the shop behind you and thumbs up and send it to Nat.

Just as you press send, you notice in the picture the person sitting in the window and you’re about to comment on it, when you think hey, that person looks familiar. And you do a double take. Looking back over your shoulder to the shop where your two brothers have already entered, you see the red-haired woman waving at you with a big grin on her face.

You can’t believe your eyes: it’s Natasha.

“Nat!” you squeak, running into the shop and completely ignoring the curious looks of the owner and your brothers.

You don’t even give yourself time to hesitate and consider if it’s appropriate, you just wrap your arms around Natasha’s form and pull her close as if your life depended on it.

“Uhm...who’s that?” your oldest brother asks with concern in his voice.

Reluctantly, you disentangle from Nat. “This is Nat, Natasha,” you explain sheepishly, and then in turn: “These are my brothers.” You stare at the woman before you. “Nat,” you have an ability to ignore your siblings that they sometimes begrudge you, “what are you doing here??”

“Long story short...got sent with work to Vienna and thought it’d pop by,” she smiles.

“But that’s not even close to Florence!”

One of your brothers leans in, a glimmer in his eyes as he side-glances at Natasha. “Sis...she came to see you.”

Yeah, I get that, I get – oh! Staring wide eyed at Natasha, you notice how the smirk you know from photos is powdered with a bit of a blush. “Do you want to go for a walk with me?” you stammer out but smile when she nods.

You’ve forgotten all about the mango/passion bubble tea you’d intended to get, too keen to have a moment alone with Nat instead. Following her out the little shop, you can feel butterflies in your stomach and your palms are slightly sticky from something else than the Italian heat.

Barely making it into the sun shining down on the cathedral you spin on Nat to really get to see her again. The selfies you’ve shared have been few but you’ve never forgotten any of the details that you now get to see in real life.

“It’s really you!” she blurts, staring at you in the same starved manner.

“Says you!” you laugh. “This is insane!”

Immediately she frowns. “I’m sorry...”

“No! Nono don’t be! This is the best thing that’s happened in, like, forever!”

And you mean it. Even if your brother’s comment is still lingering in your heart. How do I address that elephant in the room? You’re not even sure how you want it to play out because you absolutely adore Nat...but to imagine anything else than the friendship you’ve got now? Yeah, an inner voice meddles, that would be awesome. You growl at your inner voice, telling it to stick it because it wouldn’t make sense with half a world between Nat and you, but your heart has already heard the meddling voice and is hooked on the idea.

“[Y/N]...what your brother said...” Natasha begins but her voice trails off.

Even if it’s not true, I’ll never look at her the same again. And you make up your mind. “Nat, I’m sorry but there’s something I need to check,” you try to warn her.

“Yeah...sure...” she accepts deflated.

Somehow, you don’t think it really qualifies as consent but you don’t know how else to vocalize what you want so instead you step close to her, gentle cupping her face in your hands before landing a soft kiss on her lips. She tastes of watermelon chap stick.

Then you step back, watching her as she stands there with parted lips and a gobsmacked expression on her face.

“I thought I was the bold one for coming all this way to see you,” she smiles after a heartbeat.

You smile back shyly. “You inspired me...do you mind?”

“It’s kinda what I’m here for, sillyhead.”

“Inspiration?”

“More,” she smiles before leaning in to kiss you, effectively shrinking your world down to one person.

#natasha romanoff #Natasha Romanova #Natasha x reader #Natasha x you #Natasha romanov #Natasha mcu #mcu fandom #marvel cinematic universe #idiots in love #friends to lovers #taking a chance #travelling #pining #fanfiction #fanfic #writing

[daisycassy]

Multifandom Fic Recs list- Dashka's favourites

Okay everyone, strap in, Newmann discord made me do this, here is my rec list, consisting of, in my humble opinion, solely of fantastic and high quality fics you should read even if it is not your fandom. Mostly longer fics, so be warned. More things may be added over time.

Pacific Rim

Inside Here (The Worst Things Come) by Orphan

" Three months, five days, and sixteen hours since the Tokyo Incident and Hermann is sitting white-knuckled in a cold, austere office, being told that, contra what he’d originally been lead to believe, the body of one Newton Geiszler is still alive."

Part 1 of Omeletteverse

This fic and the whole series is my favourite take at what happened post PRU. It is entirely told from Hermann's point of view and is so horrible, gutwrenching, tender, desperate, but also kind and hopeful. Precursor emissary Newton is fun and I love these sort of fics that talk about inevitablity of change and our sad inability to turn time back and avoid said change. Includes a wide cast of people who are all amazing.

Frankenstein, the Newt, and Vi by Orphan

“Um. Hi? My name’s Vivian Lee. I’m supposed to, um...” Vi looks down at the phone in her hands, at the email showing on the screen. “I’m newly assigned to the K-Science Lab? I was supposed to ask for Doctor Gottlieb?” The guy behind the reception desk looks up with an expression hovering somewhere between fear, pity, and disgust. “Oh, man,” he says. “Who’d you get killed to wind up posted to K-Lab?”

Part 1 of Frankenstein and the Newt

Another fic by Orphan, and trust me, there is a reson for that because they are fantastic. This one is from third person POV, Vi (who si the absolute sweetheart) a new biologist hired to K-science division. Story takes place after the first Pacific Rim movie, and you will get to find out why the fight still continues.

Warning for some body horror and people turning into Kaiju. The whole series is perfect, so fun, with great plot, and many, many feelings.

Anthology by irisbleufic

"The first thing [Newton] does when he gets to his office, smarting from the needle and high on endorphins, is email the eccentric mathematician in Cambridge, the other Cambridge a non-creature-infested ocean away, with whom he’d been corresponding for a while and whom his colleagues have begun to call Newt’s Internet Boyfriend.

Hermann, Newton types, tell me you’ve crawled out from under your rock for long enough to realize your disdain for monster movies is now scientifically invalid.

Please don’t call me that, Gottlieb writes back. I’m already working on it."

Part 1 of Anthology 'Verse

Set primarily right after the events of the first Pacific Rim movie, where we follow our favourite scientists dealing with the result of drifting with kaiju and each toher, starting their life together, and continuing after the war. Inclused flashback, as they deal with the years of angry arguing and misunderstandings.

Also Newt tattoos, they both teach at unviersity and charm everyone, this is my favourite Hermann characteriyation and I lvoe the whole ensemble cast. It will punch you in a gut but also feels like a warm fuzzy blanket. Absolute treasure of a fic.

Daredevil

Lying by Omission by deniigiq

"I know I said I was up for anything--” he told Hogarth carefully, trying to surreptitiously slide the files back onto her desk.

She slapped a hand on them and pushed them back towards him.

“Mr. Nelson, you are one of the best lawyers on staff, and I am seriously considering the pros and cons of a potential partnership here,” she told him, staring up at him without moving her face or hand. Somehow, the files continued to dig into the meat of his palm.

“--but it turns out,” he valiantly carried on, “I am actually and suddenly extremely busy with the destruction Jessica will cause in approximately twenty minutes, which will have nothing to do with me or any favors or bribes or anything like that—”

(Someone brings Team Red's (and the Punisher's) loved ones back from the dead to torture them for information on their vigilantes. Hogarth coerces Foggy to handle the resulting legal fallout and he is both the worst and best person for the job.)"

This fic includes badass as fuck Foggy, fun ensemble of characters, Team red excellence, and so many jokes, hijinks, and perfectly in love Matt and Foggy. One of my most favourite comfort fics out there.

I fully recommend anzthing written by deniigiq, because their fics are the absolute greatest at capturing what is fun about comics and the many characters you get to encounter in them, while mixing in fantastic writing, characterization, and great feelings and plots. Love all their characters and I cannot highlight how much you should read everything they have ever written.

Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy by Werelibrarian

"I should probably tell you I’m going to sniff anything you show me."

The shopkeeper’s smile actually grows.

"How interesting. Can you tell me what you’re sniffing for?"

Foggy already likes this guy, who looks to be about a hundred and ten but stands straight as a flagpole, but he's not about to admit that he's trying to make himself pretty for a blind man with four super-human senses, so he just smiles.

"Complexity."

A shorter fic than most on this list, but absolutely perfect as the rest fo them. Tells the story of Foggy seducing Matt using all his heightened senses to his advantage. Includes ton of pining and poor Matt almost combusting.

Captain America/Marvel

Known Associates by thingswithwings

"Steve Rogers isn't a self-made man.

Or, how a tough little Brooklyn fairy got turned into Captain America, and then turned back."

This is one of those fics that I wish I could make people read, that I truly wish was published as a novel we could all share and buy for our friends. It is a story about Steve Rogers as he grapples first with life as a queer man in the pre-war US, in his full socialist glory, and later as he tries to find his place in the 21st century where his image and story was coopted and turned into something completely different from him. This fic is in my opinion the best examination of the sheer horror, stress, grief, and clusterfuck of Steve Rogers' situation. Includes polyamory, genderqueerness, lots of organizing and angry socialist Steve. The author also included bibliography at the end of the fic. I name this fic every time people ask me about quality of fanworks and I wish I could make everyone read it.

Ain't No Grave (Can Keep My Body Down) by spitandvinegar

"It's six in the morning, and Steve is heading out on a run when he nearly trips over a bouquet of sunflowers on the front steps of his brownstone.

For a second paranoia takes over, and he kicks the flowers a little, waiting for them to explode. They don't. They also came with a card, which he picks up. The front of the card has a tasteful picture of the Brooklyn bridge at sunset. It's very nice and sedate, like the kind of card you would buy to give to your boss. On the inside someone has written a short message in big, shaky block letters.

I AM SORRY FOR SHOOTING YOU.

Steve sits down hard on the steps."

This fic starts after Winter Soldier, and belongs to the category of Bucky Barnes recovery fics. Bucky has many issues in this so I will warn you for mental illness, drugs, lots of trauma. But Bucky also adopts two homeless kids, loves Tupac, gets on with Tony, and he and Steve find love after eternity of pining.

I love Steve in this, his characterization, and I wish I could finally find time to paint those paintings he does in this, in oil. I love all the characters in this nad who they are and how they feel. Includes cameo from my favourite lawyers.

United States v. Barnes, 617 F. Supp. 2d 143 (D.D.C. 2015) by fallingvoices, radialarch

"The Associated Press @AP

Winter Soldier set to stand trial for Washington D.C. massacre and treason apne.ws/1og6SWE"

Putting this fic in because I love literary works that play witht heir format and this is told solely through news and social media coverage of the Winter Soldier trial. Includes Steve and Bucky being cute.

Good Omens

Demonology and the Tri-Phasic Model of Trauma: An Integrative Approach by Nnm

but also

[Podfic] Demonology and the Tri-Phasic Model of Trauma: An Integrative Approach by StarcatcherBetty

"As soon as Aubrey Thyme, psychotherapist, had opened her office door and seen her new client, Anthony J. Crowley, sitting in her waiting area, she was observing and assessing him. At first glance, she paid attention to the following:

--His clothing was expensive and stylish;

--He wore very strange but noticeable cologne;

--His relationship to the seat he occupied could only, very loosely, be described as “sitting;”

--He looked angry;

--He was wearing sunglasses.

What Aubrey Thyme, a professional, thought, upon first seeing her new client was: you’re going to be a fun one, aren’t you?"

So this fic, is another one of those that I wish I could get everyone to read. Or even better, I wish I could get everyone to listen to the absolutely perfect and amazing podfic version of it, done by StarcatcherBetty.

It is told from the point of view of Crowley's therapist, Aubrey Thyme, and once you read it, you will forever wish that this was canon. Because in my head, it absolutely is. I love Aubrey dearly and strongly, I adore both Crowley and Aziraphale, and I am so so glad they finally get some therapy. The ending to this is perfect, and I keep returning to this fic, specifically in its podfic form, again and again.

#fic recs #fic recs lis #pacific rim #newmann #newton geiszler #hermann gottlieb #good omens #Captain America #daredevil

[funtimesatwork]

1b. Diego’s First Day.

Welcome to Funtimes At Work, a Five Nights At Freddy’s fanfiction! What follows under the cut is the first chapter of the story, ‘Diego’s First Day.’ This chapter is 10,074 words long. In order to make this post easier to manage, the chapter is cut in half. This half is 4,421 words long. This chapter half is available to read under the cut.

“So now it’s just us two,” the caretaker pointed out.

“Don’t remind me,” Freddy began, “I’m only letting you sit next to me so you don’t annoy anyone else. Ballora’s giving her performance by now and I only have,” a pause as he checked his internal clock “forty-five minutes before I’m due for mine.”

“Right! And I do believe you’re to clear all of your acts with me?”

That was met with a glare that, if looks could kill, would result in a fine red mist being all that remained of the fleshy one.

“I already told you, we call the shots.”

“But you need my signature.”

His own words, used against him.

“Fine. It’s just a standard comedy routine with some slapstick with Bon-Bon moving over my body like a spider.”

“I think I can sign off on that.”

“But you haven’t heard how it ends! We get this little guy on stage, his name’s Diego, and we decapitate him!”

That was squealed out, once again highlighting the bear’s love of dark humor.

“Ouch, Freddy, ouch.”

“If it helps, the blade would be sharp! I don’t like rusty ones!”

“Well, aren’t you ever the professional? Alright. I’m just going to go pick up some chips, you don’t mind if I eat them near you right?”

“Why would I ever take offense to my enemy doing things that prolong his life?”

“Exactly! You’re the best, Freddy. I need to think of a cute nickname for you. Fred. Freedy Freddy. The Fredster!”

The unusual ursine could only posture an odd glare at the man who seemed entirely oblivious to just how deeply he was unwanted, and for that matter, unneeded. Freddy wasn’t sure why Corporate insisted on giving him a manger: Baby didn’t have one and she was just fine.

After a few blissfully quiet minutes, Diego returned with a pack of nacho-cheese flavored Doritos. Delicious! Opening the bag and taking some, Freddy glared at him.

“Did you want some?”

“No.”

“Why the staring?”

With a shrug that could only scream ‘eh, what the hell,’ Funtime Freddy decided that honesty was the best policy. Implicitly, he just wanted to be so honest he’d spook Diego off from continuing his ventures in employment here.

“I’m trying to decide how to kill you.”

“Go for poisoning my food. I can’t help it, I just love eating.”

“Well now that’s too obvious! Maybe I’ll stuff you inside my chest and let you starve. Do you know how fun that would be? Your filth being your own extinction…”

“But then you’d have my filth all in you! Don’t you deserve better?”

Freddy was growing increasingly frustrated at Diego’s apparent inability to be threatened. What was it with this guy?

“You’re really trying to die, aren’t you?”

“I have faith that you won’t actually kill me.”

“I’m a giant bear with a temper. Do you really think only faith will save you?”

“A question for theologians, Fred. I’m just a psych major trying to earn some extra cash.”

“Is that extra pocket change really worth having to deal with me,” he cooed out as if in love.

“It’s pocket change to you, but to me it’s a lot. Hard to argue with sixty thousand a year.”

“Salaried.”

“They’ll work me well over that, I’m sure, but it’s good for now.”

So, Freddy also had access to Diego’s pay-roll information. Lovely. The bear already knew where he lived, what harm could come from him knowing exactly how much he was paid?

“Sixty-two thousand, three hundred ninety-five dollars, and thirty-four cents a year.”

“Right on the dot, Fredster!”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Well, what’s your preferred nickname?”

“Freddy is all I want you to call me.”

“Can I at least call you ‘friend’?”

“He-,” it seemed the bear attempted to swear. He seemed frustrated with his inability to. “There aren’t even any kids nearby! But, the answer’s no.”

Diego took out his phone, just to check the time. Ten-twenty in the morning, just forty minutes until showtime!

“So, how do you warm up for the show?”

“We don’t. We just go and do it.”

“Signs of a true professional.”

“Diego, Bon-Bon and I have done this for thirty-five years. We know how to do this with our suits powered down.”

“That reminds me, Freddy! Are you the endoskeleton, or the suit?”

“Are you just the bones or the flesh?”

“Good point!”

The two sat in a, strangely comfortable, silence for a few more minutes. Freddy woke Bon-Bon up and placed him back on his hand. The time was ten-thirty, and he was ready to go.

“We should head back to the Auditorium.”

“Oh, we? Are you inviting me?”

Giving Diego one of his signature ‘I really want to kill you’ glares, the two entered the elevator. It was a short and quiet ride to floor one. Freddy took a deep breath in, and reactivated his entertainer mode. He took his place on his stage, standing perfectly still: it was as if he had no free will at this moment. The children entered the room, and Diego entered his office. He had a camera on his desktop pointing out the window: just so he could record this performance. 

It lasted two hours, which was much longer than Diego would’ve thought. From eleven to one, Freddy never broke character. He also didn’t threaten anyone, and everything went on without a hitch: truly, he was a master at his craft. Diego mused that, perhaps, thirty-five years and layers of programming would allow you to master anything. He checked Funtime Freddy’s schedule: his first show was from eleven to one, then three to four-forty five, then five to six and he was done for the evening.

The time was now one-fifteen, and Diego was in the auditorium helping the janitorial staff to clean up. He needed something to do, at least, and he figured it was always prudent to get in the good graces of the custodians. Freddy pitched in as best he could, which was surprising - maybe it was something he had to do? A facet of his entertainment mode, and nothing more. Perhaps just there to teach the kids to clean up.

Perhaps he was just doing this to have an excuse to get closer to Diego and remind him of just how much bigger, stronger, and smarter he was.

When the party was fully cleaned up, the caretaker went into his office. The bear followed. 

“You were excellent, Freddy!”

“I know I was! I’m an entertainer!”

“I won’t lie, it’s a little creepy how easy it is for you to switch between being independent and being bound to your programming.”

Oh, he was going to exploit that. He was going to exploit the utter hell out of that.

“Well, anything for the birthday boy! Bon-Bon, let’s make sure he has an extra-special birthday blast!”

The bear’s posture was straight, robotic, and a strange blend of janky, mechanical, and yet organic, and smooth. 

“Maybe I should not have told you that that was creepy. What if I said it was cute?”

He immediately snapped out of his programming.

“Now I never want to enter that mode again.”

“Well don’t let me be the cause of that.”

“Would it make you feel so guilty you quit if you were?”

“Not particularly.”

Freddy huffed out. Nothing ever was so simple with Diego, now, was it? He made his first caretaker quit only a week into it, and his second two months into it.

Was he losing his touch? Then again, he could be patient. He’d simply out-last Diego. Something would get him to leave, something always did.

At any rate, the two moved into Diego’s office. The caretaker huffed as he sat back down in his chair, happy to be able to relax - though in truth that wasn’t in short supply at this job.

“Hey, Freddy?”

The animatronic looked up, waiting for whatever it was the human had to say.

“Take this.”

Diego pulled out the taser from the drawer, keeping it in its pouch, and handing it to him.

“...What?”

“You heard me. Take it. I don’t want it. Do whatever you want with it. Toss it from the rooftop for all I care.”

“You realize this is the only way I’ll ever do anything you say, right?”

“I don’t care. It’s not right to just shock you into submission.”

Bon-Bon piped up: “see? I told you he was different!”

“This is just a play, Bon-Bon. He’ll say that we stole it and ask for an even bigger one.”

Diego’s heart nearly shattered into a million pieces. He was already quite the idealist, quite the bleeding heart, so this was entirely… heart-wrenching for him to hear.

“It’s not. Here,” Diego stated as he pulled out a sticky note-pad. He quickly scribbled a short message on it, “read it.”

Taking the note, Freddy read it out loud:

“I, Diego Vázquez, do not want this or any other electrical compliance device used on Funtime Freddy or Bon-Bon.”

Did he even have the authority to say that? This had to have just been some symbolic ploy at Freddy’s trust. It’d be broken, in due time. It always was. He took the note anyways, and the taser he simply held in his hand. He could turn this on Diego. He could make him feel as hurt as he did.

Yet he wasn’t heartless. He was not as evil and as uncaring as he’d like to think he was. It would be unjustifiable to use this on Diego. He simply put the taser back on Diego’s desk and got up. “Keep it. I don’t need your pity.”

“Freddy.”

He began to walk out of the room.

“Freddy?”

He stopped. Bon-Bon seemed to have told him to do so, in their sort of shared circuitry.

“What?”

Bon-Bon tried to assuage his concerns.

“Freddy…”

Diego got up and moved to him. Diego was five-eight to Freddy’s cool six-foot, not counting his hat.

He gave Freddy a tight hug, just rubbing the bear’s back.

“What… are you doing?”

“A hug, Freddy. You’ve been hugged before, right?”

“By children. Maybe a few parents.”

“And by employees?”

A pause. That was all Diego needed to hear, or rather, what he needed to not hear. Freddy didn’t try to return the hug, though, Bon-Bon did. Popping off of Freddy’s hand, he clinged to Diego’s shirt. “Even if he won’t say it, we are appreciative! We just aren’t used to being treated like people, Diego!”

“I guessed as much, Bon-Bon. It’s okay. You don’t have to trust me. You don’t have to love me. You don’t even have to like me. Just know that I won’t hurt you, okay?”

“I know you won’t Diego!”

Freddy remained silent. He just closed his eyes, daring to let himself feel okay for once.

Maybe he could allow himself the gall to dare to dream of a brighter future. He’d hate himself, however, if he opened his eyes to see Funtime Foxy, Ballora, and their caretakers watching from the entrance. Rock snuck a picture.

This, this was worth its weight in gold.

Eventually, the hug came to an end. Eventually. The three took their sweet time in pulling away from each other. 

“Are you okay, Freddy?”

The bear raised a hand and put it over Diego’s mouth, not intending to harm him, just keep him quiet. He was deep in the chambers of his mind, remembering everything. He remembers the first day he performed, the first day any of them performed: the eighth of December, 1986. It was a frigid Monday in Utah when the pizzeria had opened, and an even more frigid reception. They were state-of-the-art, sure, but the Fazbear Murders hadn’t exactly had time to fade from the public memory. He remembered his original purpose well: to murder children. That’s something he actually hated, despite his crass jokes about the subject. Though all the Funtimes had at least been complicit in murder, Funtime Freddy had actually taken a life himself. Circus Baby had too, or at least, had held a child until William was able to extract and finish the job himself.

He hated those memories.

But now? He could remember. He felt safe around Diego, in a strange way. Perhaps it was the man’s willingness to hand over the one weapon he had against him. Maybe it was the constant propaganda being pushed into him by Bon-Bon. Maybe it was something else entirely, but at any rate, he felt safe enough to remember.

Maybe he’d tell Diego one day. But that day was not today. He still wanted to be seen as a jerkass bear, at least, for a few days longer. 

He hated being seen as a mushy softy.

Diego could only stand there, noticing the others watching. He gave them a gentle wave, signaling with non-verbal cues that he had no idea what Freddy was doing. They seemed supportive, though. 

Diego held Bon-Bon in his hands, cradling him as if he were a baby of some sort. After a few more eternities of this, Funtime Freddy opened his eyes.

“This doesn’t leave this room.”

“I promise I won’t tell anyone.”

That was the truth. He wouldn’t tell anyone, they had all already seen it. Even Baby had stopped by to examine why four people were all gazing into Funtime Freddy’s area without calling for paramedics.

The group scampered once Funtime Freddy opened his eyes, though. Best not to be caught interrupting an intimate moment. 

Sooner, rather than later, it had turned into two o’clock. Just four and a half more hours and the day would be over: a rather unusually productive first day in the history of Circus Baby’s pizzeria. 

The two had decided to take a walk: this was the mid-day slump, when no one really came. Mornings and evenings are usually their busiest times on weekdays, though, Monday as a whole was a rather slump-y day. Not many people, apparently, celebrated on the first day of the business week.

Funtime Freddy and Diego walked about the area, Freddy himself taking a more active role. He was telling Diego about the history of the pizzeria, even what it used to look like before it was all extensively remodeled. 

“Huh. You know, I always thought the wall in the auditorium looked a little weird, but I had no idea this entire floor was something else.”

“The crews did an alright job. I don’t like how boxy the rooms are, but it’s efficient I guess.”

“I would guess so. Oh! Hi Sam!”

There she was: the manager extraordinaire, staring at the two of them as if she had seen a ghost.

“Is… is everything okay?”

“Am I going crazy, or is Funtime Freddy actually being nice to you?”

In response to that heinous accusation, Freddy (gently) elbowed Diego.

“It was nice while it lasted,” Diego chuckled. 

“Freddy, are you going to try and run Diego out of a job?”

Bon-Bon actually responded, Freddy more than happy to let him handle the softer side of the emotional spectrum: “maybe he’ll stay for a whole three months!”

“I think I’d like to stay longer.”

“Ah, excellent! Now, Freddy, do you mind if Diego and myself have a private conversation?”

“Not at all, Sam! I was getting tired of talking to this meat bag anyways!”

With that, he was off. Back to his usual, slightly unhinged, self.

“What on Earth have you done to make him not threaten your life, Diego?”

“Well, he still does, but it’s more playful. I think.”

“I’ll take that over the serious threats he’s made. What did you do to him?”

“I didn’t shock him.”

“Really? That’s it?”

“Apparently, when you treat people like people, they’re much more behaved.”

“Alright. Just… don’t be scared to use it, if you really have to. Sometimes he gets so riled up not even Bon-Bon can calm him down.”

“I’ll take my chances. Actually, if you don’t mind, I’d like it removed from my office. I read the protocol: it only states we need to have one available on request rather than in our offices, and I think he’d do better with it gone. I don’t want it near me, anyways. It just seems cruel.”

“It’s a sad fact that it is sometimes necessary. I don’t want it overused, but it's better than letting them kill. But, alright. Just turn it into my office and I’ll keep it on reserve for you.”

“Thanks, Sam. I think I’m really getting through to him. Oh, also, question. Can they eat?”

“They can, actually! They have a false digestive system. It’s a little too complex for you to work on for, probably your first week or two, but I do think you’ll eventually get trained on it. Why do you ask?”

“Just curious. I might wanna share a slice of pizza with him or something.”

“Oh! Speaking of, if you’d like you could take your lunch whenever you want. I don’t think I managed to tell you that, but, we don’t really have a set schedule - what with all the chaos of there being children here almost constantly.”

“That’d be nice!”

“Employees eat free! Our way of saying ‘thank you.’ And for you especially. Here, let’s walk,” Sam stated as she led Diego towards the break room, “I honestly thought Freddy would run you out before the day ended. Forgive me, but you're not the most imposing person. I wanted to pair Rock with Freddy, but he already had a manager at the time. They turned out to be amazing with Foxy, so, I suppose it was all fine in the end. Janice’s been here the longest, and, I can’t imagine separating her and Ballora. She’s gone through a lot in her life, I’m sure she’ll tell you about it. But as for you, well, as I said you’ll have to forgive me. I suppose looks are deceiving though. What did you say you were majoring in? I know you’re a college kid.”

“Psychology! I’m doing a minor in linguistics.”

“How’re you handling classes with a full-time job?”

“The classes are online, and if I’m honest, I like the time this job lets me have for them.”

“Smart thinking. You know, if you did get run out by him, I would’ve offered you the position of being Circus Baby’s manager. She’s been without one for two months now, but, in truth she doesn’t really need one. She’s always been very quiet and behaved, it was Freddy that needed one the most.”

“Bon-Bon seems to keep him in-line.”

“You’d think but, like I said, sometimes he just gets so antsy it’s horrifying. That’s the time when we have to shock him.”

“Do we have any idea what causes it?”

“I only wish we did. I think it’s some sort of deep-seated programming bug.”

“Hopefully I don’t see that.”

“Ah, but you might. Well, anyways, I think you probably have the best shot of either preventing that, or, getting him down from there. He usually enters that mode when one of his evaluations is coming up, that’s a full-body maintenance routine. It’s done every few months, just to keep them active and safe.” 

“I see. Weird, then. But, hey, I think he’ll be fine. My first day and I’m already connecting with him, I’m really liking it.”

“It’s nothing short of miraculous, what you’ve done here. We’ll just have to see if this holds or not: but I feel confident in saying that it will.”

The two were in the canteen by now, each taking some pizza. Might as well, since that was basically what everyone here lived off of. That and burgers, fries, and every other greasy food imaginable. They had healthy options, for sure, but most defaulted to the greasy goodness of the prepared food here. The healthy options probably weren’t actually FDA-approved for human consumption, either. They always had a weird smell to them.

“Can the animatronics eat with us?”

“In theory. In practice they either never have the appetite, or, don’t really want to.”

The two ate their pizza all while making the usual workplace small-talk.

“So, how long have you been here?”

“Six years. I started in 2016, actually, it’s kind of a funny story. I took this job on a dare. You know all the rumors about this company, and my friends are all true crime enthusiasts. Some of them are actually on the police force.”

“I imagine they’re sick and tired of all the prank calls this place gets, though.”

“Not as much as you’d think, actually. Especially with that Mega Pizzaplex now, you ever been?”

“Just once, to check it out. It’s… shockingly big. Especially for a town that doesn’t have that many people, I’m sure you could fit all of us into it with room to spare.”

“Hah! That’s what I’m saying. But it gets tourists here, so, who really cares at the end of the day? Certainly not the mayor.”

“So, what do we get? The Pizzaplex seems like they get all the fancy toys and funding.”

“You’d be right on that. We get… whatever’s left behind, actually. The budget’s really weird, but I won’t bore you with management deets.”

“Well, hey, if you have the will then I have the time,” Diego stated. He was rather interested in the finer details of management - call it his love of gossip, but he wanted to know how things worked ‘behind the curtains,’ as it were.

“You really are something special now, aren’t you? Alright, well, since you are working here I’ll let you in on it. So our budget is actually delivered on a ‘first-come first-serve’ basis. Means we have to fight against each other if we want anything.”

“Damn.”

“Damn is right. Pizzaplex has the larger staff so they, by default, get most of the money. We mostly sustain ourselves through our sales.”

“Would not have guessed that, hm. It just seems so unfair, I mean, this place might not be half as big as the Pizzaplex but we’re still here. And we’ve been around longer than… most of the Fazbear chain restaurants, actually. How haven’t we burned down yet?”

“A question I ask myself every single day I’m here,” Samantha stated while giggling. Honestly, it was miraculous all by itself that the place wasn’t in utter shambles at the end of every day.

The two had finished their lunch and were back up to the first floor. Diego found himself back in his office, having given Samantha the taser for safe-keeping. The time on Diego’s desktop read two-forty-five, with the first few children trickling in for Freddy’s three-o-clock show. 

It was rather uneventful, all things considered. Just a repeat of the earlier show, although with the names obviously replaced during the birthday song. How Freddy hadn’t gone mad from just doing this for three-and-a-half decades was entirely beyond the caretaker.

The show came and went, and the cleanup was frantic. Then came the five to six show, and with that, the day was over. It had all been a rather uneventful evening: Diego was mostly cooped up in his office replying to emails and finishing up some virtual trainings when he wasn’t taking stabs at his coursework. The time was six-fifteen, and his shift was over. Janice stepped into the auditorium, waving to Diego.

“Your first day is done, congratulations! How’d it go?”

“You know, I think it went pretty well. I think I got through to Freddy, so, I’m counting this as the most successful first day in the history of first days.”

She looked around, to make sure Freddy couldn’t hear. He was currently being looked over by maintenance personnel, throwing his usual fuss as Bon-Bon tried to calm him.

“That hug you two had was adorable! I don’t think I’ve ever seen him be so calm.”

“I surprised myself with that, actually. I think it was really Bon-Bon’s doing, without him I really do not think that would’ve ever happened.”

As if on cue, a gentler voice cut through them: “it was, as always, a pleasure to see. It’s rare to see such a careful personality get along with Freddy’s by any metric,” a line uttered by of course none-other than Ballora.

“Ballora! You two really do go together very well.”

“We could say the same for you and Freddy,” Ballora replied. In all truth, she was not at all wrong to say that. 

The day had come to a close, and now it was just a quick little post-first-day debriefing with everyone. Rock and Foxy had made their way into the auditorium, and Samantha wasn’t very far behind. Everyone took a seat at the tables, the animatronics included, as they all went over the day’s sales and such. Diego and Freddy were mostly quiet, just observing the others do it - Diego mostly for the sake of learning, Freddy for the sake of not liking to speak at these things. He wasn’t in this for the money, but, well it was his life’s purpose now wasn’t it?

The entire time, Diego had a very affectionate Bon-Bon resting a paw on his shoulder. Freddy seemed mostly okay with this. Mostly. He still didn’t exactly trust Diego, but he might see how Bon-Bon would. That rabbit was always too trusting, too eager to see the good in people even if it was just a façade. That had gotten them hurt a few times, but Bon-Bon seemed relentless in his optimism.

The meeting had drawn to a close, and Diego bid Funtime Freddy and Bon-Bon a very simple goodbye. He couldn’t wait to start his second day at the job, and quite frankly, Freddy might admit to himself, and only himself, that he would be counting the hours until Diego returned at six am. He would certainly have a nice little chat with the other animatronics about Diego, how sweet and incorrigible he was. How utterly, painfully, incorrigible he was. That’s what the animatronics liked to do, at night anyways.

They enjoyed their gossip. That’s how they bonded and passed the time as they waited for morning: night was a place of being worked on and being left alone. None of them particularly enjoyed the sensation of being left alone, or even of the man-handling the nightly maintenance crew were known for, but that was the simple fact of it. 

Freddy watched as Diego exited the building, got into his car, and left.

What a weirdly beautiful day it was.

#fnaf #five nights at freddys #funtimes at work #funtimes-at-work #chapter one #chapter 1b #fanfic #fanfiction #writer #writers on tumblr #chapter one is finally posted #chapter two coming out shortly :)

[dianalolihikki]

Hey!💜

Forgive me for not being around yesterday. Unfortunately I didn't have internet. Or rather, I had, except that it was in low speed.

Today my brother called our internet provider and it turned out that I didn't pay as much as two payments! (Because I am the one who pays for the internet from my disability benefits). I paid the April payment for internet on time, but apparently I had some unpaid payments before that.

Unfortunately, our Internet provider does not notify me either by phone or text message about overdue payments which I consider a very big minus.

Now I'm afraid I'll lose the habit of posting every day if I've had a day off,and I really don't want to, and I hope I'm panicking,just like when I thought I wouldn't post anything here honestly anymore which turned out to be unnecessary panic, although in a way I'm still afraid of it. May it still be just panic.

💮💮💮💮

My father is still very drunk. When he's drunk he has this stupid habit of wanting to occupy as much of B's time as possible. Yesterday it was the same.

He spoke so loudly that I could hear even through the closed door of my room,even though the conversation was supposed to be private.

My father complained that my younger brother wanted to kill him,all for my father's property,which is our house. He put things in my younger brother's mouth that he didn't say, supposedly that he wanted to take over the house. Yet the younger brother himself says that he does not want the house. The father also misrepresented the role of the younger brother's girlfriend in all this.

B is an assistant for people with disabilities. So (at least in my country) she is a social worker by that title. My father hoped that she would report it somewhere.

He can't do it himself,because mom took away his phone a few months ago, because he kept calling the police or the emergency room after he got drunk.

B, fortunately, is not a stupid person, as she has no intention of taking him seriously, and, of course, she told me about everything right after she came back to my room.

I guess my father sensed that B could tell me everything because he peeked in on us for a short period of time.

Sometimes I think my father envies me that I have so many people around me because of my disability. Recently he said that he also wants to have state physiotherapy. The only thing is that to get it you have to have a certificate of severe disability and inability to live independently. My father won't get it simply because he had cancer (actually, he still has it,only it's inactive) and orthopedic problems with his knees. Mother tried to explain it to him, but without success

I am simply sorry that my father envies me and does not support me in all this.

Fortunately, B and I laughed a little at him.

💮💮💮💮

As for today, my brother arrived this morning. Of course, they argued with my father,but only verbally already.

Even before K came, together with my mother and brother we sat in my room. Mom was browsing the local supermarket's apps on her phone and later also mine in search of interesting promotions. When she asked me if I wanted to buy a certain thing,I answered something like "as you prefer" because I was actually indifferent.

My brother got annoyed with me. He said that even his girlfriend is fed up with my indecisiveness. She supposedly added that if I refuse a certain thing then I shouldn't get it.

Only if I actually don't want something and am actually indifferent to it, what should I answer?

I also have to admit that I am a little disappointed with my brother's girlfriend. I always thought she is nice. She never told me directly that she had a problem with me, on the opposite. She often comes to my room to talk to me, often helps me get to the toilet, sometimes even brings me some food. It never occurred to me that she might not like something in my behavior. In the way I knew that she didn't like certain things about me, but that was before my relationship with her became friendlier. Don't get me wrong. I know that we won't be friends,because I never even had the intention to be, even though she is really alright.

However, I didn't sense that something about me irritated her. However, I am not good when it comes to social situations or reading between the lines.

Nevertheless, I still feel bad.

She cited as an example that on that unlucky Monday in which the incident occurred. Before arriving, they called me and firstly asked if they should buy my father a beer with my money and secondly if I wanted something from McDonald's. I replied that I didn't. Then the brother said we would be eating Korean ramen, namely buldak, after all. I could still hear her in the background asking me to think about whether I wanted something from McDonald's. Her tone of voice was pleasant, so I was surprised by her attitude.

Why is she nice to me and only to my brother does she say what she thinks?

And why are people often like this?

Because of people like her, I aka a neurodiverse person feel like I'm in a fucking maze in social situations.

Is she fake? Or maybe too insecure to say such things directly? I don't know how to judge her. I'm not even sure if I should judge her. Maybe such behavior is normal? After all, among neurotypical people I have often faced such things.

Yet she used the argument that I am an adult. I hate something like that.

J once said that I shouldn't be judged by the norm of my peers because my development is different from the norm. I mean both emotional and physical development,because both areas have suffered through my brain damage caused by extreme prematurity. I should add that I'm intellectually in the norm or even above the norm, so don't worry.

Although exactly for the reasons mentioned above I should not be judged by the norm of non-disabled and neurotypical people

It's just that my brother's girlfriend can't know this because I never told her about it

💮💮💮💮

I wonder what A and J do, do they read this blog? Because A doesn't post pictures or videos. I think I'm panicking though.

They are probably so happy that they don't have time for this.

Fucking luckiest people,they are happy and I have to live with my father under one roof.

I shouldn't be jealous, I know. But I think it's more a sense of injustice than jealousy. Although isn't that the same thing? Despite the fact that I adore them I think I envy them sometimes, especially A that she has J. I feel like a monster about it.

Sorry, I guess I'm a bad person, right ?

I love you, A and J, even though sometimes I'm mad at you. I don't know by what miracle it can be combined, but it is. I would really like to apologize to them for this. I'm sorry A,J. I really am. I'm a bad person. Or maybe I just miss you guys that much?

💮💮💮💮

Today in therapy with K I came to one conclusion,or rather two. He will definitely not be my friend. Either he is too shy for that or he wants to keep a professional distance. I rather put my money on the latter, given that he didn't want to accept me as a friend on Facebook. Today, with three questions I got out of him that his parents have two dogs. I felt that further investigation was pointless.

The therapy went well. There is nothing to compare it to the private, paid one, but for a state one it was really good.

E has so far not texted back to messages with descriptions of the therapy.

According to B, she might have been annoyed that the therapy with K is at a pretty good level. E is such a person that will NEVER admit that therapy with a physiotherapist other than her is alright, so this is quite a possible theory.

Admittedly, K was late again. B was furious about it again. However, I have to admit that she was way ahead of her therapy start time. She just thought she would start sooner, so she would finish sooner. She even stated that I could even have the therapies one after the other. She had previously stated that the most important thing for me was an hour break between therapies. As you can see, the most important thing for her too is her own time, not mine. Despite everything, I think this is normal,because everyone cares only about themselves which is perfectly natural.

An awful lot of sad conclusions today, but I guess I had to talk myself out.

💮💮💮💮

My brother came to my room today during therapy with B I started asking about K. She admitted that K is handsome and has a big mouth. That's enough for my brother to stock up on jokes for the rest of the year:D

He also joked that B is having an affair with K, which she denied:D

💮💮💮💮

I'm finishing up today because it's past midnight anyway.

Mom still hasn't turned off the TV,which pisses me off because usually by this time all the lights are already off.

There was a little argument with my father, but I think he's gone to bed now.

In my desk cabinet I have an energy drink, mojito flavor, and somehow for two days I can't get myself together to drink it.

Although I'm about to get myself a glass of Pepsi. ⭐🥤

#cerebral palsy #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #physically disabled #hikikomori #actually neurodivergent #diary #teacher crush #older men crush #teacher attachment #premature baby #physical therapist crush #physical therapist #physical disability #longing #one sided love #physical therapy #unrequited affection #unrequited feelings #unrequited crush #unrequited love #jealousy #adult children of alcoholics #alcoholism #happy house #long post

[a-shared-experience]

Life is really funny isn’t it?

I’m super emotional in part due to hormones and just naturally who I am as a person .

I’ve met so many people who are afraid of pain , burdened by the vast amount of pain I carry - they push me away or judge me. Left on my own has been so fucking overwhelming. How does an angry heart that’s met so much deception, betrayal and rejection still know how to love? I think back to the car accident and how it felt to carry my laundry down a flight of stairs - I could feel it pull my neck, my collarbone, i could feel my calf and ankles light up with nerve damage and I would worry about falling down the stairs because I couldn’t feel my feet. My physiotherapist used to scold me and I would just cry because who the fuck was supposed to help me.

I’m not a stupid girl. I could feel the way people cringed when I expressed my truth- she’s so dramatic , she’s taking advantage of the system, she doesn’t care about working, she just wants attention. She’s so annoying

I couldn’t give a fuck now but I felt that in powerful ways

I’ve always been brave enough to feel things

I now understand that people projected their inability to feel things, their lack of courage …

I used to be so afraid thst my life was over and it still frightens me the way it’s changed. I can still feel all the nerves exploding in my right foot , the pressure in my legs and pinch in my sacrum as I sit here journalling for the world to see…

My ability to fully feel my pain and get back up every day despite not having any cheerleaders , despite not having a partner or a family or even a really solid friend group where I live, having a phone that doesn’t ring very often

I’m just sitting here looking over my accounts, my settlement , my billable hours I’ve stubbornly pushed through … I literally got punched in the head multiple times by a violent offender and spent 7 minutes running from him as he screamed that he was going to kill me and was just like … ok cool.. I’ll take one day off to rest because I’m sore and then go right back to that station and pretend I’m not scared…upper management had to document every detail of that with workers compensation for consequences such as post traumatic stress and head injury and I was like fuck it, it’s just another thing.

I don’t know why I always thought some man was coming to save me or why I couldn’t believe in myself

I sit here ready to pay for my mothers house in full so that I own something , so my family has this space that is just ours , this magical piece of property in a place where people still don’t lock their doors , where crickets and constellations fill the night and the ocean is just a five minute drive.

I never thought I would be anything or have any sort of fairytale. At best I thought I’d die on drugs, who knows , I still might. Sometimes the world tries to make me think I’m the opinions of others - it plays tricks on me because I’m just so used to being labelled something or not accepted for who I am, misunderstood whatever …

In this moment , I am everything that I’ve always been. Ridiculously fucking strong.

Painfully honest

Misunderstood by people who wouldn’t know what to do if they were served my life. They wouldn’t want to walk in my shoes despite how fly they are because I walk for ten hours a day in the fucking hood to get what I have

This probably sounds angry but it’s passion

It’s Hard to tone it down when it is the blood in my veins.

To all the girls who only saw a silver platter if they were doing lines off one - don’t give up baby.

You’ll be stronger than all the girls and the boys who tried to make you feel small

I promise you

To everyone who thought I’d be some sad statistic

I’m a highschool drop out, a single woman in leadership and a homeowner

Suck my statisDICK

[j0kers-light]

Discarded WIP Graveyard🪦

Hey hi loves! Keep in mind this is apart of my new discarded series where I share the deleted rough draft of my fics. 🖤✨

REMEMBER THIS IS NOT A COMPLETE WORK!

Let me know if you like me sharing my incomplete rough drafts! I'm actually quite nervous to see the response to something like this. 👀 my notes are weird. I was so nervous to post this omg.

J Stands for Jealous - Oneshot

The number you have dialed has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet. Please try calling again later. 

You groaned in frustration and tossed your phone on the bed. If your hair wasn’t up in protective braids you would’ve ran your hands through your hair. When did it get like this? Calling, waiting up, and wishing for a smidgen of communication from Joker– only to receive absolute silence? 

Joker being distant was putting things mildly. He had up and ghosted you. 

One night you were kissing him goodbye and the next GCN reported that Joker had gone M.I.A. Funny how he was seen two days later shooting at Batman’s tank of a car down Dini Hwy but sure..he’s ‘missing.’

Joker was actively terrorizing Gotham City streets. He was only M.I.A in your life. A part of you wanted to create a missing person’s report but that wouldn’t end well. 

The entire GCPD force would be breaking down your door by the time you uttered, “Yes, I haven’t seen my boyfriend, The Joker, in months. 

You weren’t quite sure who put a label on this ill fated relationship but the minute it was established, everything started to fall apart. 

You would lie awake at night thinking about the downfall to you and Joker’s relationship. Maybe you should have been content with the uncertainty and kept things vague. Not knowing where you stood with the infamous clown— but still together, was better than a missing boyfriend and an empty bed. 

You found yourself watching the news like a drug addict trying to catch a glimpse of your man to make sure he was alive and well. 

Perhaps he was just busy with his sick twisted plans on how to take over Gotham or whatever he does when he’s out messing with Batman. You couldn’t bear the thought of Joker cheating on you. 

If Joker was cheating on you with Batman, you’d kill your self with a spoon but J reallllly wanted the vigilante dead so you breathed a bit easy on that front. 

That didn’t stop you from freaking out anytime Joker grabbed a female on live tv. You watched with an envious eye for any inkling of Joker being attracted to her. Killing the poor girl put your mind at ease but then you’d feel awful for your lack of remorse. For now Joker had eyes only for you. But how long would that last was the burning question. 

It became a vicious cycle of waiting for Joker to come home, calling his cell, it going to voicemail, or him straight up ignoring your texts, to crawling into bed and trying not to cry about it. But you couldn’t deny the inevitable. 

Joker abandoned you and you weren’t some heartbroken blonde in an early 2000’s romcom. 

You refused to cry and mope around the penthouse. You would not stoop to eating buckets of ice cream and assorted candies to overcome your heartache. 

You happened to be a young, sexy, and intelligent woman of color with access to online dating apps! There were plenty of eligible men in Gotham who would kill to be with you. 

You can and would move on. Screw Joker and his inability to provide what you desired! Constant love and attention. 

Your hurt feelings morphed into petty vengeance and you snatched your phone from where you tossed it earlier in a blind rage. 

Your thumb hovered over Bruce’s profile until you sighed and scrolled past it. No matter how much you wanted to rebound date anyone to get over Joker, Bruce didn’t deserve your toxic energy. 

So you kept scrolling until you found the DO NOT CALL EVER AGAIN and the GURL HAVE YOU NO STANDARDS contacts. You should have deleted these contacts ages ago but you simply forgot.

You almost hit the dial icon on one of them until you swore you heard the front door slam shut– but alas it was just your broken heart playing tricks on you. 

Joker wasn’t coming back and you had to accept that to move on. Your thumb hovered over one of your past tinder hookups. 

“This is stupid! Just call the number, Y/n. If he answers, then flirt! He’s a classic tool, he definitely won’t care this is only a one night stand. Get what you need from him and move on!” 

You gave yourself a pep talk but you just couldn’t do it. Even after Joker left you high and dry, it felt wrong to move on. 

You threw your head back and groaned at the ceiling.

Why did you have to love Joker so much?! You still clung to the hope of him returning and loving you unconditionally but it was a fool’s dream. 

“He’s gone Y/n. Maybe a walk will do me good.” It seemed to be a tried and true coping mechanism whenever your head was in a tizzy. It's what got you in this mess in the first place. 

Clearing your head and walking to Chinatown. If you could go back in time and avoid meeting Joker, you’d hesitate to change things. 

He gave you so many fond memories. You couldn’t erase that. 

You donned some good walking shoes that matched your current outfit and headed down to the ground floor.

It was a beautiful day and you let your mind disconnect and breathe in some fresh air. This is what you needed. Some spent outside and not cooped up in that depressing apartment thinking about failed relationships. You felt more like yourself already. 

You were mindless during your wandering and didn’t notice your surroundings until strong hands grabbed and yanked you back onto the sidewalk. 

You yelped at the unexpected rescue and tuned out the honking and the slew of curses a taxi driver shouted at you through his window. 

What did your carelessness cause this time? You were using the designated crosswalk and had the right of way, so what gives? 

Your eyes followed the bulky arms still holding you, up to a handsome face animated in concern. It was then you noticed the guy who saved you was talking. 

“—be more careful! These taxi drivers don’t yield to pedestrians anymore. Hey.. are you listening to me?” He eyed you up and down, mostly in concern but admiring your beauty all the while. 

You were doing the same. A ray of sunlight beamed down and highlighted your hero’s honey brown eyes and you blinked in awe at his model-like features staring at you. Finally someone was giving you attention and the man was drop dead gorgeous. 

Who could blame your brain for malfunctioning? 

“Uh sure.. um.. T-Thank you.” You mustered after a few beats of silence. 

He smirked at your stutter and flashed his pristine teeth your way. He was checking off all of your requirements in a male so far. Was it wrong to move on when you and Joker weren’t officially over? 

The Devil on your shoulder told you to forget the clown and get to know this stranger. Your angel was oddly quiet. 

“Don’t thank me just yet, I must confess. I’m thinking impure thoughts about you.” He said. 

You quirked an eyebrow at his honesty but his baritone voice had you in an instant chokehold. And much to your delight, he kept talking. 

“Sorry I can’t help it, has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are? Because d__n. You are.”

Another checkmark on the ‘yup he’s datable list.’ You were prepared to risk it all. What were the odds of Mr. Perfect appearing in your life again? 

You ducked your head to hide your smile and he wanted nothing more to tilt your chin up and see it in all its glory. Your smile was so radiant, he was a goner at a mere glimpse.

“I’d love to know your name, your number..” He sucked his teeth and stole a peek at your curves, “your favorite position in bed…”

He probably meant to say that last bit more so to himself but you still heard it. “Easy there.. At least take me out to dinner before you slut me out.” You laughed in jest but he leaned into your personal space.

“Oh bet? What’re doing later?”

Wait, that pickup line actually worked? You had to act fast or risk the chance of ruining the mood. You were so out of practice. You shielded the sun from your eyes and stared up at your newfound crush.

He was waiting for a response with a flirtatious grin. So you gave him one. 

“You tell me. What do you have in mind?” You flashed him another smile that rivaled the sun. 

He chuckled and subtly moved so he blocked the glaring sun for you. A small gesture you instantly noticed. He was tall but not overly so like Joker. You hated your brain for comparing this new guy to your estranged clown but you couldn’t help it.  

Would this be a new habit; comparing insanity to normal? 

“Confident and sexy. I like that. How about…” He fished inside his pockets and procured a business card. He clicked a pen and jotted something down on it before handing it to you. 

You were so caught up in his charm you didn’t acknowledge his attire. 

He was dressed for the office but currently laid back with his dress shirt folded up to his forearms, showing off veins that made you swoon, and a hint of ink crawling up his bicep. The writer in you was having a seizure.

He was the perfect sexy corporate alpha male and he locked down the troupe by handing you his business card with a wink. 

“Get home safely, call or text me– whichever you prefer sunshine, and we’ll make plans for tonight. Sounds good?” He waited until you read the embossed cardstock in your hand.

Tristan J. Price. | Marketing | Court OwlHouse Books 

You knew the publishing company personally. They presented you with a nice offer before Cindy counter offered with a contract you couldn’t refuse. You pocketed his phone number. 

“Yeah, it sounds great! I don’t have a card but um.. my name’s Y/n.” You played with your hands and went for it. “I look forward to seeing you tonight, Tristan.” 

He tested your name on his lips. “A beautiful name for a remarkable woman. I’ll see you tonight.”

You gave him a small wave and began walking back the way you came. Something told you to look back and sure enough, Tristan was watching you leave, biting his lip. He had no shame at being caught. His smile just grew wider and he sent another wink your way. Tonight was bound to be interesting. A whirlwind of butterflies were going crazy in your stomach. 

You flushed in embarrassment and turned the corner– not once noticing your undercover security detail watching your every move and reporting it in. 

Above all, Tristan was a gentleman and a shameless flirt. 

You didn’t waste time with being coy, you called him the second you got home and he was more than pleased with your eagerness. 

“I’m glad you’re home safe, sunshine. Now let’s talk business. Any allergies I need to be aware of? I really want to go all out and take you somewhere nice. You are definitely worth maxing my card out.” 

You laughed and tried not to let his chosen nickname for you get to you. A subconscious part of you was still Joker’s Light, his bunny and every other pet name in between. You had no business being someone’s sunshine. 

“Girl! Joker has clearly moved on! Get over him and let Tristan bend you over!” Your mini devil appeared on your coffee table and tried setting you straight. She enlisted help from her arch nemesis and you were shocked when your angel materialized next to her, nodding along.

“She has a point Y/n. It's been months. It's time to move on although.. I suggest taking this slow so no bending over on the first date.” She glared at your imaginary devil in disdain. 

Tristan gained your attention when he asked if you had been to a certain restaurant. You were quick to reply and shake your head clear of any imaginary angel and devils talking to you. 

You and Tristan talked all afternoon and at one point you asked if you were keeping him from work. “I’m on an important conference call Y/n.” 

You could see his flirtatious smile over the phone and your heart warmed knowing you were important enough to take up his entire day. You didn’t mind the long conversation since you've been alone for months and needed human interaction. You honestly didn’t care that things were progressing way too quickly. 

Tristan was a breath of fresh air and something new when you had nothing for months. Desperate was an understatement with how you felt. 

Tristan didn’t need to know you were already in your closet picking out the perfect dress to wear tonight. 

“Yeah Σtella is perfect. Will you make the reservations for us or let me guess. You know a friend of a friend that can get us a table on short notice?” 

He laughed to himself but mentioned he did have connections, “None like that I’m afraid.” 

You could tell it was nothing nefarious since Tristan didn’t have a single criminal bone in his body. After being around Joker for so long you could single out people’s evil intentions. It was one of the many habits you had to quit cold turkey. 

Everything was set to go and Tristan ended the call to make the dinner reservations. He offered to pick you up but you politely declined. Something told you it was best to keep him far away from the apartment until you knew for certain that Joker wasn’t coming back. 

A black dress was selected from your closet with a low back. It would go great with your braids and the heels you already picked out. Then you spent the rest of the afternoon getting ready. 

Halfway through your glam session, Tristan texted you with a time and a cheeky line about saving room for dessert. It made you flush and make a split decision to change your underwear and bra into something more racy. 

If nothing happened and it was just dinner then cool but if Tristan turned out to be a man of action and not just all talk, then you wanted to be prepared. You could be a slut for one night. 

An unopened box was removed from your closet and you smiled at the expensive lace nestled inside. You were saving it for J but his loss. 

You twirled in the mirror and liked what you saw. A strong confident woman moving on and getting exactly what she wanted. 

You liked Tristan and he made it very clear that he liked you too despite just meeting earlier in the day. He wanted to see where this could go and you readily agreed being attention and touch-starved due to Joker’s absence.

For a brief moment you did stop and consider the possibilities of Joker finding out about this but after months of radio silence, you weren’t concerned. 

Joker was very possessive but his actions showed that he didn’t care anymore. He ignored your numerous phone calls and texts so there was no point in having second thoughts. 

It was safe to say you were single now so you would act accordingly. 

However you weren’t going to think about Joker tonight. He was banned from your mind. You were going to have fun and enjoy yourself with another man and begin something new. Tonight was about you and your needs. You were a free woman.

You kept that thought in mind all the way out the door and to the restaurant.

“I still think that waiter was staring at you too much. I get it, you are stunning, but my brother. She’s on a date! With me!” Tristan tugged your hand until you laughed and stopped at the main entrance to your apartment complex. 

“This is me.” You pointed to the locked door. Tristan admired the tall white building with a nod but there was an awkward air floating between the two of you. You didn’t want the night to end and neither did he. Thankfully Tristan picked up on your hesitation and spoke up. 

“Y/n did I mention how beautiful you look tonight?” It was a lame excuse to stay longer but it worked.

You giggled and looped your arms around his neck, pretending to think.

Dinner was textbook perfect and sealed Tristan’s hopes of a second date. He was ever the gentleman all night but his eyes were anything but. He listened to you talk and sprinkled in his opinions all the while complimenting you as a person. There was a connection between the two of you and he made sure the conversation kept flowing to allow that spark to grow. You where things were going and were glad that you changed into appropriate lingerie. 

The food was amazing and you lost the fight on who would foot the bill. Tristan simply winked and said you could pay next time.

He was so confident that there would be a next time you found yourself agreeing on another date during the first. Everything was just so natural with him. Normal was… nice.

Tristan was a savvy businessman in and out the office and it showed in his actions. He knew what he wanted and he didn’t want to waste your time. 

He had his eyes on you all night and poor attention-starved you was eating it up. Bystanders would have thought the two of you were a couple for years with the natural chemistry festering at the table. Tristan eyed you hungrily, you brushed your heels against his thigh, and the both of you smiled as if it were a secret. 

Both of you were two consenting adults and you didn’t hesitate to throw caution to the wind and casually lead him towards your apartment. 

You had plenty of time to think about your response. 

“You did. Numerous times.” You said while biting your lip. 

Tristan wrapped his arms around your waist and sighed. “Then pardon me ma’am for repeating myself. You. Are. Gorgeous. I'm kinda tempted to take this dress off and see what’s underneath. I bet she’s beautiful too.” He leaned down to kiss your neck and you squealed in delight.

Your eyes wandered around the area hoping that no one else was walking about this late at night in Grant Park. The street lights were on but it was just the two of you in the nearby grove. Tristan was sucking a hickey on your pulse when you locked eyes with a figure across the way.

He had a hood on but you saw him shaking his head at you in disappointment. He lifted his head and your eyes widened seeing the familiar clown mask Joker always left lying around the penthouse after heists. That’s when dread settled in your stomach. 

You forgot Joker had eyes and ears everywhere. How could you be so stupid? 

He never left. 

“Hey, you tensed up just now. Everything okay, sunshine?” Tristan stopped and glanced around, trying to find the source of your distraction. By the time you glanced back across the street, the guy was gone. 

You didn’t imagine things. Joker still had you looked after even if he wasn’t in the picture. 

Tristan arched an eyebrow when you failed to speak. He knew all too well what was going on here and sighed. “I get it.” He smiled and cupped your face in his hold. He was too caught up in the moment to notice you trembling. 

“I got competition, I’m not surprised. I mean look at you! All I ask is that you let me shoot my shot. Give me a chance eh? Will you let me do that?” He resumed kissing your neck and you had no fight in you to stop him. 

He had it all wrong. You were more worried about your psychopathic jealous boyfriend killing Tristan and then you for cheating. 

Joker had explicit rules. No one touches what’s his. 

Not only did you go on a date with someone else, you were letting that same man kiss on you. You knew exactly what was in store for you. 

You had to put an end to this. 

“Tristan, w-wait..”

He didn’t listen, rather he kissed you fully on the lips to silence you.

You’ll regret this later or perhaps never but in your current mood; touch-starved and yearning for love, you allowed this to happen. You pushed Joker to the back of your mind and let yourself drown in this feeling. Tristan deepened the kiss and only pulled away to breathe and shoot his shot again. 

“You gonna invite me up sunshine?” 

You stared into Tristan’s eyes and weighed out the pros and cons. 

You were a grown woman with needs and Tristan was ready to meet them all and then some. So what if one of Joker’s goons saw you? The odds of them snitching were highly unlikely and Joker clearly had more important things to do than care about you. Three months was a long time and you were desperate and needy, the pros outweighed the dire cons. 

What could possibly go wrong here except you having a good time? Your mind was clear. 

No other words were spoken. You scanned your nighttime key and led Tristan straight into your apartment building. 

The morning was cold even with the bed sheets wrapped all around you. You yawned and swept an errand braid off your face before glancing around. 

Waking up alone was your version of normal for months but this morning should’ve been different. You remembered your date the night before and the split decision to let Tristan come up to your penthouse. He was big on cuddling so waking up without his warmth was startling. 

You sat up in concern. “Tristan?” Your own voice echoed back. 

The sheets were rumpled next to you and cool to the touch. If Tristan was still in the apartment, he had been out of bed for quite some time. You automatically assumed the worst. You flung the sheets back to begin searching for your date but the second your foot made contact with the ground, you knew it wouldn't end well.

Your foot settled in something cold and wet. Your stomach turned, feeling the unknown texture but you still managed to look down.

Blood. You were stepping in a puddle of blood and much to your horror there was a trail of it that disappeared out of the bedroom and down the hall. No human could bleed that much and still be alive. Internet searches for your hit book series confirmed that fact. 

If you had known last night this would happen, you would’ve listened to your instincts. You should’ve stopped Tristan yet you led him straight to his death. And you knew exactly who did it. 

You snagged Tristan’s discarded shirt from off the floor and put it on. Shockingly, it was devoid of blood; You buttoned it up with shaky hands and tried to stay optimistic. It was close to Halloween, maybe this was a prank of some sorts?

What could possibly go wrong by going on a date and bringing them home for the night? If you were single– absolutely nothing. 

But you were dating a literal psychopath with a penchant for knives and senseless killings. Joker didn’t need a reason to kill someon but you were stupid enough to give him one. 

You didn’t want to confront Joker but your feet led you to the end of the bloody trail regardless. 

The first thing you noticed was Joker’s unnaturally green eyes staring you down. It always unnerved you how J rarely blinked but today he was like a statue, watching your every move as you entered the living room. 

Joker eyes traveled from your bare feet– your nails were painted a pretty green he noted; up to your exposed legs, to rest on the flimsy dress shirt you wore. 

It wasn’t one of Joker’s and you swore his left eye twitched. 

Wearing another man’s clothes was a blatant sign of disrespect and you immediately went into defense mode. “J-Joker.. You’re b-back! I though–”

His voice was deep and menacing when he cut you off.  

“Did ya have fun with your uhhh, lit-le date? I sure did.” He grinned and it made you take notice of the blood splatter on his pale face.  

Joker was far too calm leaning back in your accent chair, legs spread, with a lazy air about him. He was composed for a man drenched in blood. Most of it had dried in artistic streaks against his pale skin whereas some droplets still shined fresh and wet. His hands were the worst and he made sure to show them off when he began talking. 

You couldn’t tear your eyes from the crimson staining his skin.

“I don’t think I’ve told ya this doll but hehe.. I don’t like others touching what’s mine.” Joker growled. He clapped his hands together, making you jump. 

“So! I leave you for uhhh two? No! Three months to.. expand my operations and my bunny loses her way.” Joker sighed before pushing his hair back. You grimaced at the streak of red it left. “I go away and my bunny thinks she can play. I asked you a err question. Did ya have fun? Did ya enjoy borrrrrrrrrring old uh what’s his name?” 

You were holding back tears but Joker didn’t like your silence. He rolled his eyes before raising his voice and repeating his last question.

You matched his tone, “You g-ghosted me Joker! You just up and left without telling me anything! I thought.. I thought we were over! You left me NOTHING! to go on! What was I supposed to do?!” At this point tears were running down your cheeks but much to your surprise they didn’t phase Joker. Normally your tears were his kryptonite. 

Seeing him unfazed confirmed your worst fears. Joker was livid. 

“Well. Let’s see Y/n. Not going on a daTe, not letting him talk to you.. not letting him touch you…. not flirting with him! NOT taking him home! NOT letting him sleep in OUR bed….. Not acting like a desperate little slut! You should.. have kept your legs closed but nooooo no no no no! No! You did it because you felt abandoned! You don’t listen when I pound it into that needy cunt of yours. You. Are. Mine.”

Joker stood up and stalked over to your sobbing form. “No matter how much… time… we’re apart. No matter how desperate you may feel. Oh shush shush bunny, I know. None of that matters. You are mine. Kay?” 

Joker just kept twisting the knife deeper and deeper the more he talked. You couldn’t handle it.

“It's my fault really– for not making it clearrr for even dumb sluts to understand. No one touches what’s mine. So… I’ll let ya in on a lit-le secret.” Joker’s lips brushed your ear, “I cut his hands off first.” 

You tried to turn away but Joker grabbed and held you in his arms despite your struggles. You got to witness first hand just how jealous truly was as he continued to brag.

(and this is where I said screw it and started over💀)

Oh! Here's my dumb writer notes for this oneshot! I keep a digital note on the actual google doc that I can reference while I'm writing hence why its at the end of what I've written instead at the top.

title? – jealous vibes 

“So I lie in my bed and you run through my head,

Cause I’m jealous 

I’m chasing you down 

NEL you took it all 

Do you really think i want you back

I had so much love for you to take

You took it al from me 

Y/n moving on J ruining her chances. 

anon request

Joker very distant lately always busy never around her anymore 

reader very confused and upset. (((Now obviously he’s not cheating or anything like that he’s just too busy with his sick twisted plans on how to take over Gotham or something —but ohh well your insecurities get the best of you))). 

3 months he wasn’t replying to her texts and when you called him it always directed you to voicemails. 

It could be only two things he could’ve moved on from you or he is too damn busy to even pick up your calls…. So you decided to go on a date with some rando to push your feelings aside. 

It was exciting at first, in the heat of the moment because you were a bit

 attention-starved 

having second thoughts about it all and how risky it could be. Joker is a very very jealous and possessive man and he could be literally everywhere you knew he had his goons looming around you to make sure you’re safe. 

****  He either ruins the date or is waiting for reader at her apartment (disguise as waiter? Sitting at nearby table like in the movie? Watching the date?

literally however you want it you can even change some stuff in the middle I really don’t mind I just need more jealous joker (I have serious issues) it could be angst fluff smut

[halloween elements? Oct. 20 angst smut? Dark or soft? 

J jealous over dates name tw: blood, dark J, choking

Examples: “Greedy wittle bunny couldn’t survive without some attention. Is that what ya needed hmm? You needed attention so badly you went out and gave my pussy away?!”

Bedroom hallway Floor not bed– J talks more about killing tristan during sex 

Blood splatter on face all fours rough read BC for ref TRail of blood from the bed. Joker waking y/n in bed after the date. 

#discarded wip graveyard #what could have been #is this okay? #his lighthouse

[sweetschizzy]

My Freshly written letter to Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds (complete with works cited!) Trigger warning for my past SA experiences, I go into a ton of detail.

Governor Kim Reynolds,

I am 19 years old, I was raped 3 times from ages 13-15 and then I was molested by my best friend’s older brother, Damien on Friday, April 29th, 2022, from around 2 am until roughly 3:56 am. If you think the date and time are too specific, I only know that because of message receipts that I sent to my boyfriend over Discord. I sent one word to him. “Help.” At 4:15 am I messaged again as I left the house. I sent four messages with that timestamp. “I love you” “I’m sorry” “I’m sorry” and “I’m sorry.” By the time I sent the fifth message it was 4:16 am. “I love you.” 

I did not report it. Why bother? He had not ejaculated or even touched me with his penis. He left no bruises or scratches. There was effectively no evidence. No case. No point. Why didn’t I fight back? There’s a word left out of the fight or flight response. It should say fight, flight, or freeze response. I froze. Every second I was on that couch with his hands groping me, massaging my nether region, and entering my vaginal canal I was frozen. Unable to move, my breath would stop and stay held for multiple seconds before I became so uncomfortable I was forced to inhale again. This process only made me dizzy and furthered my inability to move. I did not cry. I did not speak. I barely breathed. I was somewhere in my mind, reliving my first sexual assault. 

When I left that house I slowly closed the door behind me. I was very quiet. I quickly took out my phone and sent my boyfriend the aforementioned messages. I walked at a brisk pace the whole time. When I got to my car, I turned it on and cranked the music up so loud that if an emergency vehicle were nearby with their sirens on I would not have heard them. I sat in my car and screamed and cried for about 5 minutes before even taking it out of park. I drove home when I was crying light enough to see.

When I was 13 I did report my rape to the authorities and yet I refused to press charges. I thought that Kaleb Linn Ammeter, age 14, loved me. I thought he loved me even as he raped me twice more. I did not report those. I did not want him to hate me. And as he assaulted me more and more often, touching me at school, touching me on the bus, threatening suicide when I expressed my dislike for what he was doing to me I loved him less and less. The love was replaced by fear. Fear of being hit, fear of being responsible for him killing himself, fear of people finding out. He never hit me, not that I can remember, but he would wind up like he was going to, then start the motion to hit me but he always stopped before he made contact. I flinch. 

Almost every night I have nightmares about him. But Friday nights are the worst. Sometimes it’s not him who’s doing the raping, the hitting, or the picture taking. It is a person I trust. A person who would never do such a thing. Like friends or whatever boyfriend or infatuation, I have at the time. The setting changes to. If I feel safe somewhere that place is a nightmare. If there's someone I want to protect from seeing me in pain they have to watch, someone who happens to be a family member, a close friend, or a child I want nothing more than to protect. I’ve been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD.)

This is killing children. 13-year-old me would have killed herself in today's day and age. It would've been my only option. Even though I did have options I still tried. Despite the fact, that I wasn't pregnant.

The youngest age a biological female typically begins puberty is eight (8) years old (“The Stages of Puberty for Girls”.) That means if this law were passed to make abortion illegal, any 8-year-old girl who becomes pregnant from rape, would be forced to give birth. Puberty begins at age eight, however, puberty has multiple things it has to accomplish before it is safe to give birth. First, the hips must widen. Meaning if you just started puberty and got your first period your hips are not wide enough to deliver a child. Second, her breasts must develop before being able to properly produce milk. An eight-year-old girl will not have the ability to produce enough milk for a child if most adult biological females cannot produce enough milk.

Now if a mother cannot produce enough milk for a child the next best thing is baby formula. I’m not sure if you recall, but America is facing a baby formula shortage. If we dig deeper into that Iowa has an 85% out-of-stock rate as of  May 17th, 2022. 85.8% of Iowa’s infants currently rely on baby formula. That’s around 11.1K infants. (Butler) Do you think that number would rise, fall, or stay the same if you helped outlaw abortion in our state? Let’s look at the abortion statistics; Tony Leys from the Des Moines Register says “The state saw 4,058 abortions performed in 2020, up from 3,566 in 2019 and 2,849 in 2018.” So the answer is it could rise by 4,058 based on last year’s abortion rates, counted by the state. (“Iowa Abortion Statistics”) (Leys)

Looking at this information I want you to make an informed decision as I ask you one final question; are you actually pro-life if all you support is the birth of a child and not their survival past that point?

Works Cited

Butler, Kelsey, et al. “What You Need to Know About the US Baby Formula Shortage.” Edited by Laurence Arnold et al., Bloomberg.com, Bloomberg, 17 May 2022, https://www.bloomberg.com/graphics/2022-us-baby-formula-shortage-explained/.

“Iowa Abortion Statistics.” Abort73.Com / Abortion Unfiltered, 2021, https://abort73.com/abortion_facts/states/iowa/.

Leys, Tony. “Iowa Abortions Climbed 14% in 2020, after Jumping 25% the Previous Year, New State Data Show.” The Des Moines Register, Des Moines Register, 15 July 2021, https://www.desmoinesregister.com/story/news/health/2021/07/15/iowa-abortion-increase-2020-rising-2019-state-data-show/7982870002/.

Miller, Ronald V. “Shortages of Similac and Enfamil Infant Formulas Put Pressure on Parents.” Lawsuit Information Center Blog, 9 June 2022, https://www.lawsuit-information-center.com/similac-enfamil-formula-shortages.html.

“The Stages of Puberty for Girls.” The Stages of Puberty for Girls - Johns Hopkins All Children's Hospital, Johns Hopkins All Children's Hospital, 10 Feb. 2020, https://www.hopkinsallchildrens.org/ACH-News/General-News/The-Stages-of-Puberty-for-Girls.

Szalinski, Christina. “America Is Grappling with a Baby Formula Shortage. Here's How to Navigate It.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 7 Apr. 2022, https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/blog/baby-formula-shortage-what-to-do/. 

#Iowa abortion access #keep your laws off my body

[im-someone-i-guess]

wilting of Elfhame

[Part One]

a jurdan fic written by ryhanna word count: 2003 words prompt; "Ok this is fanfic request but can you make a fanfic TWK during Jude’s exile. 5 years later Jude is about to get married to a mortal man and a remorseful faerie cardan begs her not to" requested by@fantasyfox10123

Jude Duarte stared at herself, at the billowing white gown. Once, she would have daggers strapped on her thigh, knives in her boots. Nightfell would be sheathed on her hip where she could easily draw it. But there are no enemies now, and although Jude secretly wished otherwise, she knew she could only whisper her dreams quietly in her heart. In the game of Kings and Queens, Jude had become irrelevant. But I am the Queen of Elfhame, she thought to herself. The treacherous thought still lingered despite the five long years, despite the betrayal and hurt. Always hurt. You are the queen of nothing now. The voice in her head whispered. It sounded eerily like Cardan, taunting and cruel like he had always been. She glanced at the ruby ring, she still wore it, even on her wedding day. Christopher deserved better. Oh, Christopher. Jude did not deserve caring, kind Christopher. He deserves an equally kind girl, one that did not stare into the distance and wonder about another life, one filled with magic and a Fae King, beautiful yet so cruel. I hereafter exile Jude Duarte to the mortal world until such time as she is pardoned by the crown. Until then, let her not step one foot in Faerie or forfeit her life. The words rang something inside her, twisted a buried pain. Jude had shoved the memory into a forgotten corner in her mind, where she grieved her parents and the lived she could’ve lived if Madoc had not murdered them and turned her into this. She was about to be married to Christopher, she was going to finally move on but she knew, even in the dim room, that she would not choose this life if she had a choice. Jude envied Taryn, how she had always fit in at Elfhame, how she had built a home with Locke and her son. It had been years since Jude saw her twin, Taryn had tried visiting at first but Jude refused to see her, refused to look her betraying sister in the eye. Jude doubted she could do it without striking Taryn down, without doing something she knew she would regret. “Is the bride getting cold feet? You don’t have to marry Christopher, you know? We could ride a ragwort pony out of here. I’ll be sorry to break Christopher’s heart but just so you know, we could.” Jude turned to see her eldest sister, Vivi, her cat eyes filled with concern. “I do have a history with terrible marriages,” she said but the joke fell flat, even the smile she put on felt forced. “It is my wedding day, I am supposed to be happy…” Jude didn’t have to continue the sentence, she knew Vivi heard the rest; yet I am not. “Whatever though, it’s time.” Jude tore her gaze from the mirror, her fingers twisting the ruby ring. It had become a habit, something her fingers could do when her nerves became overwhelming. She knew it would be wise to take the ring off, to place it on the table and move on, it would be symbolic but Jude knew she was not ready to part with it, she doubted she would ever be. “I never thought of myself as your father figure but your other choices is a ghost or a mass murderer who probably still has a lingering desire to kill you.” A laugh escaped Jude’s lips and she felt her heart grow slightly lighter. She couldn’t fully leave Elfhame, her heart would always be stuck in the Isles, among the faeries but she would make her peace with it. Letting the smile on her lips bloom, Jude took her sister’s hand and headed down to the hall and down the aisle. She and Christopher had chosen the gardens together, he had loved the beautiful flowers but Jude chose it for its resemblance to Elfhame. All it was missing was pixies flying among the flowers, chirping birds and the chatter of joyous faeries, dancing in their fancy revels. Locke would be the one hosting those revels, Jude thought, he was the Master of Revels after all. Gasps of wonder erupted through the room, exclamations of her beauty, compliments on her

grace. They were not faeries, their words could just as easily be a lie but Jude sensed the truth in them. Jude had felt a lot of things, but she had not felt so pretty, especially surrounded with flawless faeries but she felt it now. “You look beautiful, my dear,” Christopher murmured, kissing her knuckles. Unbidden a memory arose, another night, in another place, with another boy. “Have I told you how hideous you look tonight?” There was warmth in his words but Jude had said, “No, tell me.” The familiar smile flashed in her mind, “I can’t.” “Do you, Jude

Duarte, take Christopher Smith to be your lovely wedded husband?” Jude stared into Christopher’s eyes, an answer already on her lips but she could not bring herself to say it, not yet. The crowd murmured at her hesitation and Jude resisted the desire to fidget with her ring, a ring given to her by the same boy who said, “Well, Jude, do you?” The crowd turned to stare, not bothering to keep their thoughts to themselves, Christopher must’ve glared, Vivi was on her feet, shouting threats, Oak at her side but Jude heard none of this. Her mind was whirling, she wished she did have Nightfell sheathed at her hip. She wanted to draw the blade and strike the High King of Elfhame down. The desire was overwhelming, just like the desire to run down the aisle and kiss him. “Didn’t you get my letters?” he asked, his smile twisted into a cruel smile. In his hand he clutched a goblet, he was most obviously drunk. “I spent quite a while pouring my heart out into those letters. Elfhame is wilting, for five years it has been wilting.” Elfhame was in danger, the old Jude would jump at the chance to be the kingdom’s saviour, to prove herself worthy, to use it as leverage over the High King to lift her exile. But Jude supposed she had changed, she did none of those things now. Calmly, she smiled at Cardan, “Is this where history repeats itself? Madoc would be proud.” “Jude, who is this?” Christopher stared at her with confusion, he had joked about how out of touch Jude was, and had wondered aloud if maybe she was from another world. In a way she supposed she was but Jude said nothing of it, blaming it on her fictional father who was strict and refused to let her leave the house. It was one of the occasions when Jude was glad she could lie. “Cardan, he’s an old acquaintance of mine.” “Who has no right to be here! Five years, Cardan. You knew where we live, you could’ve apologised, you could’ve explained yourself, you had five years to do it.” Vivi looked furious. Jude was scared she would slip, accidentally mention Elfhame and the exile. “I feared Jude would murder me,” he said, his smile faltering, slipping into something that closely resembled sorrow. “And I figured she would understand my words by now, I thought she would eventually come home.” Cardan glanced at her hand, the familiar ruby ring still worn. Home. Despite the long years, Jude had always thought of Elfhame as home but she did not want to admit it now. “You have no right to be here, Cardan,” Jude told him, she wanted to scream, wanted to tear the ivies twisted on the pillars along the aisle. She wanted to strangle him with her bare hands. Jude did none of those things, instead walking towards him, stopping a few paces away. “You have no right,” she repeated, her voice a whisper that only he could hear. “Until such time as she is pardoned by the crown, you could’ve pardoned yourself any time you wanted, you could’ve come back,” his voice broke, Jude could hear the sadness. “Come home and shout at me. Come home and fight with me. Come home and break my heart, if you must.” But Jude did not care for his words or his sorrow, she slapped the High King of Elfhame with the back of her hand, the crowd gasped and all sound finally rushed back to her. She could hear Vivi shouting at everyone to be quiet, Oak glaring at Cardan with hatred not fit for him. “I’m glad Elfhame is wilting, I hope it becomes barren,” Jude whispered furiously, turning away and walking back towards Christopher. “Jude, are you okay?” Christopher’s eyes were concerned, Jude couldn’t help but remember Vivi staring at her earlier, her eyes filled with concern too. They were treating her like a hurt animal, poised to lash out any moment. “No, Christopher, I am not.” Jude turned to the crowd. “The wedding is off, sorry for wasting your time.” Cardan’s expression had slightly brightened but he did not understand. Jude turned to her sister, nodding her head. Vivi nodded back, making her way through the crowd, half dragging Oak as she headed to somewhere with fewer people. She’d be summoning the ragwort

ponies. Jude followed after her sister but there was something else she needed to do. “Lift my exile, tell everyone, I’m going to return to Elfhame tomorrow and I don’t want to constantly watch my back,” she told the High King, not even bothering to meet his dark eyes. Jude could feel his gaze on her back but she did not turn to look, she did not turn at all as she left the scene. ~ “How do you know Cardan pardoned you?” Vivi asked. She was sprawled across the couch. Oak had somehow found some room for himself, squeezing himself between Vivi’s legs. He should be at school, but he insisted on bidding Jude goodbye before she left for Elfhame. “If he didn’t then I’d die, or make my way to Madoc’s camp and convince him to let me join. He’s drawing out the war, I have time to press my case. I have time to make Cardan’s life a living hell.” Jude was determined, but his words still echoed in her head. Until such time as she is pardoned by the crown, you could’ve pardoned yourself any time you wanted, you could’ve come back. He had sounded like he wanted her to come back, he had sounded like he- Jude refused to finish the thought, instead turning to pull her sister onto her feet and into a warm embrace. Vivi seemed surprised but she made no comment, instead pulling her tighter. “I hope you find your peace,” she murmured. The tears dared to slip but Jude did not want to be overtaken by sadness, she had lived in misery for far too long. “I will see you again, Vivi. Take care of Oak,” Jude told her. Oak grumbled something about he was perfectly capable of taking care of himself but that only made the ache in Jude’s heart double. Cardan did not give her his word, she could be sighted and instantly killed. Jude was no longer capable of duelling, even Nightfell’s presence though familiar threw her off balance. Vivi walked out with her, summoning the ragwort pony as she smiled. “You never belonged in the mortal world. I’ll smooth things over with Christopher, I’m sure the guy will recover so please don’t worry too much.”

But Jude hadn’t been worrying, she had been doing many things but Christopher was the last thing on her mind. It was just so easy to let the hatred overwhelm her, it would be just as easy to do something stupid but Jude knew she would prefer to throw her life in pursuit of revenge than settling down and growing old. “Goodbye, Vivi,” Jude told her sister as the pony took off, soaring towards Elfhame and the vengeance that came with it.

#the inability to post this on my phone is killing me #books #booklover #booklr #tfota #the cruel prince #the wicked king #jude duarte #cardan greenbriar #ry writes

[corvuscrowned]

Suds szn has officially come to an end! There were some absolutely remarkable fics and art in this collection, and with Erised and 25 Days posting, it’s easy to get a little overwhelmed with the sheer quantity of fantastic works out there. So I did a little roundup of my favorite sudsy fics and art from this year’s fest for anyone looking for a place to start!

note: some summaries have been truncated for space.

FICS

Ceremonials by  @jackvbriefs

“What are you doing here?” Harry said.

This Malfoy blinked up at him, then lifted the bottle of tequila.

“I’m teaching you how to make a drink.”

This fic absolutely blew me away from beginning to end. It follows Harry as he finds himself repeatedly visiting limbo every time he’s on the brink of death - which is, of course, quite often - and this time, he sees a very familiar face. This fic featured incredible worldbuilding in such a short amount of time, had unforgettable ritualistic elements, fostered delicious, fruitful tension, and wrapped it all up with delightful prose. 

A Grey Shrike Alighted Upon My Wishbone by @opaleopioid

Cursed to forget everything about Harry Potter, Draco has to kill if he wants a cure.

I haven’t read too many amnesia fics, and now I feel like I don’t need to. This take on the trope was beyond beautiful, heartbreaking, fresh, and unique. It’s so clear to see that every word in this fic was carefully chosen, and it made for a poignant, unforgettable, and challenging (in the best way!) read. 

Bacchanal, Bacchanal by @calypsotempete

One crisp morning in September, Harry receives a newspaper and a note. What follows is a descent into a world built by Draco Malfoy full of debauchery, glamour, and clawfoot tubs that wash away the miasma of hard-earned guilt to appease gods that may not exist but offer redemption all the same.

I tried very hard to put this fic down (I HAD THINGS TO DO!!!) and found that I could not. This was an incredible, colorful read, featuring vivid descriptions of Draco’s illicit parties without falling into any of the common tropes and pitfalls of party fics. The piece was anything but one-note - Harry’s internal struggles over the nature of his relationship with Draco paired with Draco’s inability to forgive himself plays out in some incredibly intense scenes that you just need to read to experience for yourself!

Possessed by @shah-writes

tldr; a sentient curse possesses Draco, leading to a whole lot of Auror action, magical theory, and baths!

I was delighted to see horror elements in this fest, and this fic does not disappoint. From beginning to end, I was enraptured by the details of the manifestations of the curse that possessed Draco, the way it intersected his relationship with Harry, and the visceral desperation that kept them fighting for one another. A truly unique read.

Postcards from Italy by iota/@sorrybutblog​

A pool party, a nightclub, a bathtub. Draco Malfoy is the last person Harry expected to run into the summer before his third year of university, but he's not complaining (at least not anymore).

… And now for something a little lighter! I love fics that transport me somewhere else, and this one delivered that in spades. The fantastic Drarry banter and expert characterization in this sexy, sudsy visit to Italy made it an immediate favorite of mine - one I store away in my bookmarks to reread when I need a pick-me-up. Highly recommend for anyone who’s missing warm summer months right now!

Just a Phone Call Away by @cavendishbutterfly

Today’s the day: Harry’s getting over his ridiculous crush on Draco Malfoy. Even if Draco’s just invited himself over to wash Harry’s hair. In a very platonic way, obviously. Not intimate at all.

They can just be friends, right?

It wouldn’t be a Suds rec list without some good old fashioned hair washing. This fic has it all - crushes, pining, a fun excuse for the boys to get real close, and - my personal favorite - the most oblivious Harry Potter you’ve ever seen. Perfectly fluffy without losing character, and such soft, sweet intimacy throughout. A great read for anyone who’s looking for something with classic SudsFest vibes.

fic & art combos and art under the cut!

FIC & ART

Casefile: Operation MoD by @m0srael & @fantalf

After the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry Potter began having strange, unsettling visions--visions unlike those had by other Seers. Draco Malfoy, lab director in the Department of Mysteries Fate Division has been assigned to sit beside the experimental sensory deprivation tank that Harry uses to stimulate his Inner Eye. What Harry Sees is a mystery. What Draco sees is a vulnerable man, too selfless and trusting for his own good, fading away before his very eyes.

Is Draco the only one who can put a stop to Operation MoD?

If you’re looking for something really unique and fresh, you should definitely start here. The telling of this fic through found materials - Ministry recordings and transcripts as well as Draco’s diary - made it extremely lifelike and hard to forget. But this fic doesn’t rely on its unique storytelling devices to be compelling - far from it, though I hesitate to give too much away.

And as if that wasn’t enough, the fic features incredible and chilling art that is absolutely soul piercing. I definitely did not stare at it for way too long.

On Target by @the-sinking-ship and milkandhoney/ @fictional

A charity dunk tank, some sorry excuses for friends, a Slytherin with freakishly good aim, a (mostly) empty locker room, and one very small towel. Because, apparently, everyone is dying to get Harry Potter wet.

Characterization is a total make or break for me as a reader - and the characterization in this fic made me all but swoon. The detail work in the writing is second to none, with so much depth packed away in a deceptively simple story. Sometimes attention to detail and character drops off when the smut starts, but it was nearly the opposite in this fic, with so much story packed into the spicy parts.

And the art! THE ART. Incredible, vivid use of color, layers upon layers of story and detail, amazing, expressive characters - and we have to talk about the look Harry and Draco are exchanging. Every time I look at this piece (TOO MANY TIMES!!!) I discover something new, and the way this fic and art complement each other is spot on.

ART

The Next Morning, Malfoy Manor by @gryffindorhearts​

Auror training has been exhausting, to say the least, and Harry's gotten tired of making do in the tiny Ministry shower cubicles after the daily drills. He's going to prove to Draco that taking him home was the best idea either of them has ever had.

!!!! I just implore you to check this one out for yourself! Draco’s very Draco expression, the amazing attention to detail, the way your mind just fills in an entire story with the art + the title… just incredible.

something in the water by @helle-bored

Art for the Sudsfest prompt: Draco came back from a work trip different, and now Harry's seeing things in the bathwater. Is there something -- someone -- following him? Is there any way to escape it? Can he save Draco (and himself) before it gets them?

I absolutely LOVED this piece - a picture of sweet domesticity with something that’s just… a little… off. A perfect execution of the prompt - and Harry’s boxers are probably my favorite thing on earth.

so rest your weary heart with me. by @bluebutter-art

After the war, Harry starts to use sensory deprivation tanks to induce psychosis-like hallucinations, eager to see those who he has lost one more time.

Draco helps him get back on his feet, replacing the dirty flashbacks of the war with clean memories of love.

A story of what is loved, lost and found.

This was a complete emotional journey of a comic. My eyes definitely did not well up at the end. The art itself is just masterful - it’s impossible to put into words how much expressive, incredible storytelling was wrapped up in this wordless work. If you’re going to click, please be ready to feel things.

Let Go by @bubble-gumhead

The candles flickered, the wax dripping and puddling on the tub.

Harry sucked in a breath, the steam filling his lungs.

"Harry," Draco whispered in his ear, crawling onto his lap. The water was cool against his skin, the glass vials filled with red tinctures glowed and seemed to sigh with every breath Harry took.

"Harry," Draco whispered again, "Just let go."

Blood magic may or may not be my favorite thing ever, so this piece was an instant fav. This art feels like something out of a storybook, and all the details are completely electric - the expressions, the magic, the candles, the blood, the dark night brewing outside of the window. A truly unforgettable contribution to the fest.

I still haven’t gotten around to checking out every single piece in the collection, and I’m sure there are plenty more gems - take a look for yourself <3 

#good shit this year!! #it's been so fun to read and i wish i had time for everything! #drarry #drarry fic rec #hpdm #drarry fanfiction #drarry fanart #fic rec #crow's recs #drarry fanfic #hd sudsfest 2021

[whysojiminimnida]

It saddens me to see Jikook supporter and translator accounts bullied off SM platforms. I fully respect people doing what is right for their mental health if they find the pressure gets to be too much. I just hate to see the trolls win and wonder whether you, as a grown adult who has demonstrated the ability to delete toxic comments and tell off the crazies when necessary, have some tips you can share to help others be strong.

Hi anon, I dunno if I'm the best advice rabbit, but I'll just share anyway because, well, you're here, so. And I have seen a few "goodbye social media" posts lately. I have seen many, many posts like that over my *coughdecadescough* years online.

Listen, kids, it's a rule of the internet. If you're gonna leave, LEAVE. This whole idea of "my mental health is suffering because I cannot disengage the entertainment part of my brain from my actual real social life and I need you all to understand that" is, at best, unhealthy. It smacks of attention-seeking and an inability to be proactive without constant external feedback. A short explanation is fine if you're a large account, but...

...nobody needs to read pages of drama about how you simply cannot anymore. If you can't, don't. YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN SOME EPHEMERAL IDEA OF ONLINE REACH. Say that again if necessary. Into the mirror. Out loud. "Go outside and touch some grass" is actually a very good strategy for dealing with online stressors.

This is not to give people a rough time or to minimize someone's hurt feelings or pain, at all. I'm just gonna tell you how it WAS, and then how it IS:

In the early years of the interwebz, the place of AOL and Myspace and Blogspot and (gasp) the /b/ board at 4chan, we called ourselves "fags" and new people were "cancer". If you wrote a whole "goodbye cruel internet" post it was likely to get you doxxed, published, and a crisis team called to your house. YOU THINK I AM JOKING, I AM NOT JOKING. We didn't do anything if it wasn't behind seven proxies and jokes about everything were on the table. It was the Wild West, much more than the gatekeeping and "we don't assume X about Y" that we see in 2022. And to be honest people did harm themselves over it then just like they do now. Difference is, excepting a few white knights, most people figured that was a you problem. The 90s and early 00s were not a sensitive time. If you couldn't hang you were teased mercilessly and then forgotten, to be replaced with another kid whose mother would get a call at work from a random stranger in Ohio, telling her that her kid was at home looking at gay dolphin porn and needed an adult.

My advice for not letting trolls win? DON'T LET THE FUCKING TROLLS WIN. Seriously, that's it. It's not that hard. But let me break it down for you:

1. TURN IT OFF. Leave your phone (gasp) on the charger, kill your laptop, and GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE.

2. LEAVE IT OFF UNTIL YOU GAIN SOME PERSPECTIVE OR FEEL BETTER. Seriously, entire generations of people grew up without a phone attached to their hand. Some of us had CORDS on ours and they were located IN THE HOUSE and we had to SHARE THEM. You will not die if you unplug for ten minutes. My god I sound like my father DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU PEOPLE ARE TURNING ME INTO

3. LITERALLY GO OUTSIDE. For something other than school or work. If you have not seen the daytime sky in awhile now is a great time for that. Or the nighttime sky. Get on a roof DON'T JUMP and fucking BREATHE AIR. Your body probably needs the quiet time. 4. TALK TO A HUMAN FACE TO FACE. Who does not live in your house. It can be a store clerk (BE NICE) or a bus driver or your elderly neighbor. Doesn't have to be long, just "Hello" or "You look nice today" or something that isn't "screaming shaking crying please come home Jimin".

And this sounds really extreme BECAUSE IT IS: IF YOU NEED TO SAVE YOUR SANITY AND IT IS THAT SERIOUS, LEAVE THE FANDOM FOR AWHILE. I mean it. I unplug this monster about once a week for a couple of days just to experience life and nurture actual relationships with real people who are not behind a screen. But if you are finding yourself unable to disengage, you may want to, I dunno, TAKE A DANCE CLASS or JOIN A STAMP COLLECTING CLUB or GO GET A HICKEY, whatever works for you. Smile at someone. Look them in the eye. Remind yourself that you are human and often, what you are perceiving is what is being fed to you from behind a screen. We do not live in an alternate universe storyline. Cook actual food. Clean your space. Listen to NON-BTS MUSIC FOR FIVE MINUTES. Volunteer at a nursing home or assisted living facility or your city's animal shelter, if you can. TAKE A WALK. And above all, remember that BTS are ENTERTAINERS. That means they are here to ENTERTAIN US. If you are not having a good time it is time to step out of the vehicle and catch it on the next round.

I love you all. I'm sorry if I sounded like your dad or my dad. Please stay safe out there. And if you need a break I'll be here when you get back. OKAY?!?! OKAY!!! (/jungkoo)

#anon #ask #stan twt #social media #bullies #trolls #go outside