#teaching children to tolerate and accept abuse

[furiousgoldfish]

All your childhood you've been fed the idea that violations of your boundaries should be interpreted as love. And sometimes it felt wrong, you could tell that something is not right; these people should not be causing you this much pain, all of their 'concerns' or 'fears' should not be controlling every aspect of your life and keeping you from having any freedom. Their 'short tempers' or 'issues' should not mean violence towards you is okay, their words should never make you feel this despised, worthless and disposable.

But when you complained, you heard 'No, they're your parents! They do this because they love you. They know better than you, they're only doing what is the best for you. They would never intentionally hurt you, you have to understand their side of the issue. You have to understand their intentions when they did this. You have to forgive them and love them the way they are. They had a tough life. You'll understand one day.'

And since everyone is claiming this left and right, you eventually accept it. Boundary violation is done out of care and love. When people cause you pain, you have to look at their feelings and intentions first and not take it personally. When someone feels the urge to control you, it's because they care. If someone lashes out at you, it's your job to take it and forgive. You don't fight back because these people all know better for you and have your well being in mind when they're doing all of these horrible, painful, sometimes even traumatic things to you.

And then using these guidelines you end up in the hands of predators, you have one abuser after another barging into your life, finding you a perfect target, and your soul feels crushed. Because not after all you already endured, not this, you don't deserve this again, you got this far believing that if you keep your good heart and kindness and compassion that somebody will love you, and you don't understand what you did wrong, why couldn't you be enough, why weren't you good enough so these people wouldn't hurt you.

And those same people from before, who told you over and over to tolerate and forgive and take boundary violations as love, these people will people look at what's happening to you and go 'Well why didn't you build proper boundaries' WELL WHY DO YOU THINK

#boundaries #boundary violations #child abuse #abusive parents #psychological abuse #teaching children to tolerate and accept abuse #traumatic childhood #abusive childhood to abusive relationship pipeline #learning to recognize boundary violations #red flags

[hourglassfish]

A (long) Aside on 1:7 and 2:10

There are two responses to 1:7 and 2:10 that always quietly horrify me.

The first, and you know, I'm writing a multi part series on it, so it's no mystery - is that Sydney was arrogant/a brat/ couldn't hack it/ wrong to walk out, and that the situation as a whole was her fault. Nah. She was right to walk out, the biggest failure of that episode is not fucking pulling the breaks when Richie gets stabbed. The workplace has gone from dysfunctional to dangerous, she has been responsible for that danger, the perpetrator of it, and she is right to leave.

little bit of an asshole but i love you so i don't care

Carmy sees Syd saying she's going to stab Richie (as she holds her knife to his chest!) while they're up in each other's faces (with Richie goading her) and he does... nothing. He tells them to shut the fuck up and make giardiniera. At this point they needed to be separated! One or both of them needed to cool off. We've seen Syd bodily put herself between a fighting Carmy and Richie. A little reciprocity would have gone a long way here.

It's wild to me that people think that Carmy was justified in his anger and aggression towards Marcus and Syd and ignore that he is aggressive to Richie also! Richie, typically one of the more confrontational characters in the show asks him to calm down, to cool it. That so many viewers so quickly and uncritically accept Carmy's narrative point of view, even while the show actively challenges it confirms something that has been in the culture a long time: that we are much more used to excusing and aligning ourselves with abusive behaviour, than we are at challenging and refusing it. That people - many of whom have received this kind of behaviour themselves - want to defend it, makes me so, so sad.

It always hurts me a little that in 1:8 Tina tells Carmy that if he 'tries that shit with her, she'll fuck him up'. It's a fun line! But I'm sorry, no she won't. He screams at her too, while chucking bowls around and Sydney's words in 1:7 clearly hurt her. Tina categorically did nothing wrong. She doesn't deserve that shit. But at the end of the day, she is a middle aged Latinx woman and a mother, and so her tolerance level has to be higher. She needs that job! Shedoes not, as far as we know, have a father she can live with rent free, she does not have youth and the promise of exploitable potential to offer to employers in an ageist job market, she does not have CIA qualifications or a CV full of ‘serious heat’.

Carmy. holds. a. position. of. power. over. these. people. He is their boss, not their manager, and he owns the place, mob loan or no. He has the power to sack them all, to cut their hours, to cut their wages; thus the impact of that power extends not just to them, but also to their children and families. Louis being present in Review is not just to add an obstacle, it's also a reminder of those stakes.

Carmy has influence in the fine dining industry, regardless of whether that social and cultural capital is respected at The Beef or not. The very same oppourtunities that he provides them with in season 2 are things he could also lock them out of if he so chose. Any analysis of 1:7 that ignores this power is flawed from its root. When you are a boss, this power is ever present. One of the few things you can do to alter your boss's behaviour is to withdraw your labour. It's not the only option you have, but everything else is at their discretion, or mediated by lengthy, expensive legal processes.

yeh, i hate this

Carmy knows this, even if you don't! It's why the apology he gives Marcus - which Marcus does not ask for - is so heartfelt. Carmy has been on the receiving end of what that power, wielded cruelly, can do. He does not want to do this to others. We see him talk to staff with respect even while he endures horrid abuse in a flashback. We see him teach and explain himself, we see him listen and invite feedback - ‘say more’. His commitment to being a good boss is sincere, that kindness is in his bones.

The second thing people say that makes me want to die a little inside is that Carmy bought getting locked in the fridge on himself, that he deserved it in some way, and that getting locked in the fridge was him abandoning Sydney.

Oh my god!

He does not have a diagnosis yet - so anything we see is an interpretation. But it feels explicit that Carmy has panic disorder, and perhaps generalised anxiety disorder and CPTSD from both his workplace experiences and his childhood. A couple of things that he says and does suggest ADHD, or some other neurodiversity. He is not very careful with himself, and does not recognise these things as treatable problems (Richie says he experiences anxiety and dread, Carmy's response is 'who doesn't' - wince, cruel to Richie, cruel to himself - vomiting everyday and crying out of nowhere are presented as something 'loads of people do' to Sugar. Tumblr loves to send people to therapy, but I just want to send this man to do a basic google search of more than fun tbh). But they are debilitating for him, especially at work.

What happens to how we read Carmy's behaviour when he is presented as someone with an untreated disability, and absolutely no support plan in place? Does he still get his just desserts at the end of the season?

The fridge thing is a bit clumsy, I think. It's silly that over the space of three months, no one at any point just takes that job off him as a priority, or at least makes it something where Tony will call the restaurant, not Carmy specifically. It is unrealistic that there would not be some kind of back up safety lock inside the fridge. But you know, they're characters in a TV show, it also does not take two people swivelling around on the floor to tighten the coat hooks on a table (LOOOOOOL) - it's realistic until its not.

But, you know, it's doing a thing, several things - it's Chekov's gun, isn't it, it's the tangible impact of the lapse of focus that Uncle Jimmy is constantly trying to warn them about.

He wanted to cry here so bad!!! It makes me laugh every time

But umm... guys? What happens to him on that night is so, so horrible. They're a chef down, they're running out of forks, Richie's giving him shit (and Carmy is so susceptible to Richie giving him shit), Marcus and Syd are being all weird. He thinks one of his abusers (Donna) might come, or that she might not come and there will be emotional fallout from that. He thinks he sees his other abuser (Evil Joel Mc Hale) - and he's triggered. He goes in the kitchen and yells, but Syd pulls him back in. Then he goes into the fridge, partly to do chef stuff, I'm sure, but also partly to fucking get his shit together aaaaaand he gets locked in there! He has a panic attack! In a fridge! That he is locked in! And the people he loves most in the world, are the other side of that door, and for five minutes, an eternity in panic attack time, they ignore him! He has no clue what's going on! Last time shit hit the fan, two of his staff walked out (he's still not over Syd walking out cus they never talk about it properly), another one got stabbed and all these new ones are 'emerald green'. And he still thinks evil Joel Mc Hale is out there!

My loves, that shit is the stuff of nightmares! I know he tells himself that he bought this on himself but can we please! stop! uncritically! accepting! his narrative! point! of view!

I don't think anybody on screen recognises that a panic attack is what he's having. That's not their fault. None of them have seen him have a panic attack! They don’t get to see inside his head like we do (which saves them from a lot of R.E.M.) He is locked in the fridge, they just hear the bear banging on the door of his cage! It's not even in the language of the show at this point (though i am curious about how and when Richie came to get his Xanax). But that's what's happening. The team are fine. They do great. He has a terrible, terrible time.

My support worker found 2:10 deeply triggering - and her reason for this, she said, was that a lot of her job was supporting people with panic disorders who are leading teams, and seeing that moment coming, the moment where the panic crashes headlong into their role as leader. Part of her role is anticipating it, and trying to turn it around before they reach the point of no return. And as soon as Carmy thinks he sees Old Boss, he's gone. His body is in flight or fight, and he is alone with that. He can’t show up for Syd at that point, he is in his equivalent of the trenches.

This is also what is happening in 1:7. Somehow his response is often framed as a) rational or b) just an asshole - but it is so outsize to the situation, and to who we know him to be most of the time (quiet, kind, thoughtful, sensitive, BITCHY), that we know it has to be more than that.

None of this is helped by the fact that Carmy's panic attacks are... well they're kind of ugly! His meltdowns are aggressive and shouty, on the edge of physical violence, in an industry where people behave like that because they can. It is hard, parsing through that to the triggers, and fears, and panic beneath. It's scary! It asks so much of people to see that and want to help, not run away. But that is where he's at.

I do not have language for how much I hate how physical he gets with Marcus here, it is deeply upsetting

I have an access rider, to help me work well with people, and to help them work well with me. My mental health turns up in every job I do. All the time. Has done for years. It can make me unreliable, uncommunicative and absent. It can mean that people have to step up sometimes in ways they weren't anticipating. And one of the things the rider asks for is 'Good Faith' - a belief that I have not shut down because I'm an asshole, but rather because I have some unhelpful coping mechanisms that I am trying to work my way out of, that my triggers are real, not excuses for laziness or an expression of lack of care, that i will give as much as I can when I can.

Syd and Carmy are beginning to work towards this - Carmy says over and over again that he doesn't want to be shitty. Claire fucking muddies things, because I will not meet you skiving off to see your girlfriend with good faith fam. That shit he needs to be held accountable for. Dropping that envelope was a perfect Richie job, I'm still pissed about that. But being locked in the fridge... there's way more going on there.

The idea that Carmy should, and will, leave the culinary world keeps coming up in various metas. But... the problem isn't cooking? I think Carmy loves cooking, still. I think he likes being part of a team, and wants to be good at it. I think he likes teaching, and he is good at that. I think he likes picking the right silent plates and having his CDC in Thom Browne. I also think he likes being there a lot and being absorbed by his job.

The problem is that the workplace he is in is not one that is set up to his needs right now - it's not set up so that he can rest enough, so that he can eat well, so that he can exercise, or whatever he needs to do to help him manage his brain and nervous system. It's not set up so that if he is triggered, he and his team knows how to keep going with the service *and* not abandon him to the worst of his brain.

Ohhhh it's bad

Carmy ignoring Claire's call and not calling Tony feels bizarre stripped of the context of his panic attack that morning. But we know that anxiety and panic and executive dysfunction take simple things and make them insurmountable. It's not about Sydney in that moment, or even really about Claire*, and self sabotage feels so weighted with judgement when I think about what those frozen moments feel like from the inside. And I've had my diagnoses for 12 years! I've been doing that work, the long slog of trying to make sure my employees know enough context that my MH doesn't fuck up their day, whilst also maintaining my own dignity and right to privacy.

The disentangling of symptoms from personality traits is so hard - fuck ups from trauma responses, what was preventable, and what might have happened even if you did everything right. I never want to lose sight of compassion for Carmy, and the reality of how long it takes to break those cycles.

I also never want to stop seeing the power that he has over the people that he works with, and how, unfortunately, one of the responsibilities of leadership is that you have to be trying to get your shit together, you have to know yourself, and know how your baggage, combined with your power could be creating harm. It’s hard, but there’s not way around it. It is essential that he gets the support he needs, and puts the measures in place that means that he can also be vulnerable, not just for him, but for the team as whole. The power and the lack of framework together are so very harmful for everyone.

makes for delicious tv though 😉

I think a lot about the ticket machines in The Bear. I'm not thinking about them as a former line chef, cus I'm not that, I'm an artist and writer, that waitressed for a while (while a lot of chefs did a lot of coke out back!) and The Bear is fiction, not a documentary. Those little tickets are used for so many things. They're the sound of pressure. They're where a bunch of intrusive thoughts get flashed up on the screen. They are the presence of tech and of speed and alienation. They are the gap where two human beings, one asking for food, and one cooking that food, become consumer and producer. They are a presence of the machine in the workplace, and they stand in for Marcus's machines in McDonald's and for Evil Joel McHale and for financial failure.

One of the things that capitalism demands is that we always listen to that machine. That when we are making a choice, between the people stood around us, who we work with daily, who we live massive chunks of our life with, and the demand for production for go go go - that we choose the latter, even if it harms the former. That we open for service, even though one of our oldest friends just got stabbed. That we prioritise getting the service turned around on Friends and Family night (the easiest night of the year to go out, pour more wine, and say service is a little delayed, but we've got this), rather than maybe asking Fak or even Claire, to come and talk to Carmy through the door, as well, make sure that he's OK. That we just keep going.

And there are so many really important reasons to do that! Keeping going is how we learn and grow, it's how we make sure that we can pay the bills, how we provide beautiful experiences for customers and guests who are more than consumers to us.

But at some point, we have to ask at what cost. When do we stop and make different? When do we try something else, make new systems, that work for us?

A moment - a small, tiny moment - of triumph for me, is when Richie and Syd turn the table around. So rather than one person, facing the tickets alone, with their back to the kitchen as they yell out orders, the person on Expo faces in. yes they can see the tickets, but they can also see the people they are working with. They can see stress, and worry and joy. They can see how hard they are working. They can see that they are not alone, not just in a promise before service, but during service, when you need that connection most.

My hope is that Season 3 will have more of them making these decisions - ones that lean into seeing each other, where their relationships keep growing, and they build a system where the love and care they have for each other is truthfully at the heart of it.

Richie is not my bag, that's just for me, personally, but I get how much he means to others, and he's beautiful here.

*Man, I do think the romance subplot was a bit of a misstep. Pop always feels like such a waste of the audience's time, time not spent with Ebra and Tina, time spent on a presentation of romance that has been done to death and is never especially satisfying. Truncates a lot of empathy for Carmy. Boo. Hiss.

#the bear #carmy berzatto #sydney adamu

[cpericardium]

My worst teaching experience so far was last semester when in the last thirty minutes of class I assigned students an article for discussion. The article was about how laws vilifying transgender children were abusive, a standard article from the resources provided by the department; I did choose to add it to my syllabus, but it wasn't me going rogue with some out-there thing, just dipping into a small pool of approved teaching materials. The ensuing discussion was pretty fucking horrible to say the least.

I'm not even trans but the sheer blatant contempt for the article and its author was eye-opening. A little frightening even, considering that this is apparently the kind of opinion fuelling real laws that are killing trans people. In my fairly conservative home country, people just don't talk about it and most people don't seem aware of trans issues at all. I guess I assumed that liberal US college students would be more accepting. But some of these undergrads were calling the authors of the former social justice warriors, complaining the article was judgemental, biased, unscientific, did not consider the validity of bigoted alternate perspectives etc. Right after we were discussing common logical fallacies.

For the record: I felt like I handled it badly. I tried pulling out stats and countering arguments to persuade them. We had 10 minutes left. I later consulted with my mentor and addressed the snafu the next class, but I doubt it did anything. The news and rightwing politicians scaremonger about colleges brainwashing young people into tolerance but I couldn't even do that. I keep going over what I should have said and done instead, imagining that maybe another professor with more experience and authority could have refuted every argument perfectly and maybe changed even one mind. It's just a big fucking regret.

#prof stuff #cw: transphobia

[ihopesocomic]

I am hoping the asker understands that Jasper abusing Vicious doesn't excuse how she's treated her family - treating Hope like a disaster who's only alive because of her intervention and taking Jasper's word over Clever and Quiet's memories and her own daughters' cries. Slapping Hope across the face and blinding her in one eye for protecting Adamant? Yeah, Vicious has a short fuse and she believes Jasper is their savior, but given how cross she was towards Merry I almost wonder if she would have still treated Hope like this even if Jasper were a passing-through one-night stand instead of a vicious, cheating usurper who wrapped the whole pride around his little finger with lies and threats of abandonment, but neither Clever nor Merry would have tolerated treating anyone like that, nevermind a cub!

Yeah, agreed honestly.

I also think some people frantically try and draw up parallels between Vicious and Powerstrike because My Pride has left them with the impression that there just HAS to be an excuse for abusing your children.

Hate to be bearer of bad news but My Pride is trash for teaching y'all that and there is never an excuse for being abusive to your kids, not even going through abuse yourself.

Doesn't matter what form that abuse is, it doesn't enable you to go down that route. idk what the question about Hope knowing about Vicious's abuse was steering towards but in case anybody is wondering: Hope would 110% not have the moment that Nothing would inevitably have in My Pride and let her mother off the hook because she was a victim herself.

Nope, not gonna happen. Don't even go there.

And I know there are abuse victims out there who feel they can forgive their abusers and want this reflected in the comic but Vicious and Hope are not the situation for that scenario and - for the moment anyway - we want to explore the flip side of the coin where it's just as acceptable to not forgive your abusers.

This is not us saying that you making the decision to forgive is wrong/toxic or doesn't make your abuse valid but not feeling a pressure to forgive and let your abusers back in your life is something we feel is not normalised enough in media so, for now, that's what we're going with the depiction of Vicious and Hope. Perhaps the alternative approach will come up with other characters, you'll just have to wait and see. - RJ

#ask #ask us stuff #hopeful #vicious #golden grove #my pride mention

[ironborealis]

So this post appeared on my feed because I was dumb and said I was interested in things tagged "Severus Snape" because I forget how things work sometimes.

I gave them a long response but I think it's a banger so I've cleaned it up to share.

To preface, I'll say that I was still in school when the books were starting to come out, and so I was in school during the period the books are set. I wasn't in the UK and can't speak to specifics there, but my own.

Your question feels really disingenuous when you tag it #james potter supremacy but I am a fool and going to answer you honestly anyway.

I liked Snape the moment it was revealed in the first book that he wasn't the villain -- because it showed him as someone who gave no fucks about how others saw him. I had been violently bullied for years at that point, but was told that I needed to stop letting it hurt me or to stop acting in ways to invite the abuse. All I internalized was that it was my fault and I needed to change myself so that they'd like me. So meeting a character who just stopped giving a fuck about other people's opinions was fascinating.

The text doesn't, I think, intend for you to read Snape's behavior as incredibly abusive. A lot of his behavior to the students wouldn't have been seen as abnormal when I was in school. Unkind but within tolerance. He was a prick and the assumption with teachers like that was that A) don't take it personally B) If you can't do A then stay off their radar and count the minutes until class is over. I'm hoping that the sudden uproar about how abusive Snape is now is a sign that school culture has changed. Because you're right, it's awful, and shouldn't happen. But that's now, and not then. Then it was acceptable if not exactly encouraged behavior.

For me, Snape's teaching style would have been within normal limits and at least it wasn't false advertising. I saw popular "kind" teachers bully disabled students, throw coffee mugs, and choke slam 9 year olds. Those teachers were never punished. I preferred the hard asses who didn't pretend, but would restrain themselves to only demoralizing you with words. They never went half so far as those much beloved teachers. These were in schools that had long banned corporal punishment by teachers, by the way.

Plus, Snape's bullying is written in such a way that is so over the top and dramatic it's hard for me to believe that there's any real intent as he never follows through with most of his threats. He's amusing himself, which is fucked up, yes, but so is his situation being forced to teach children (a job he hates) by daylight and fighting a war as a spy by moonlight (a job he also hates).

When book 5 revealed his own history of being bullied the kinship I felt for him just kinda clicked. Game knew game, even if I didn't know it then.

What impressed me about Snape is that he made a terrible decision of joining the DE, he knows it, he regrets it, and most importantly he does something about it. He sabotages them and when he can't do that he tries to reduce harm as much as possible.

He joins a side lead by people who are responsible for his own traumas, who are unrepentant about their roles in it but still expect him to get over it. Snape isn't interested in pretending everything is fine with his allies when everything isn't fine and that's such a challenging and brave stance to take.

Because if I were in his shoes, my first instinct would be to swallow all my anger and stuff it in well inside me and pretend it doesn't exist so that I could be seen as agreeable and the bigger person. I know I'm not alone in that. However, that instinct has caused me so much damage that I will spend the rest of my life fighting that instinct tooth and nail.m, because what it means is that you are minimizing yourself and your safety in order to make other people comfortable.

Snape might have the right idea (but poor execution) when it comes to some people, but he falters when it comes to Lily. I was so disappointed with the reveal that Lily was his primary motivation, even if it's grown on me. He's so damned loyal to someone who wasn't even a great friend to him by the end. Lily smiles before she intercedes in SWM, which to me signaled that the whole scene was just a way for James to pull Lily's metaphorical pigtail (Snape) in their courtship and if I were the pigtail I'd be pissed too. It doesn't justify but it adds context for why he might want to hurt her then.

And Snape spends the rest of his life regretting his moments of weakness and giving his life to prevent Voldemort from winning, for a friend who failed him pretty spectacularly.

Most people don't do that -- they regret and then they try to get on with their lives. They don't want to talk about it. We're STILL finding guards from WWII concentration camps hiding out in suburbs after all. Snape doesn't choose that and that's brave as hell.

Snape's "redemption" is a hot debate, but I don't know that redemption is even his goal. He's just trying to do what's right. If he were really searching for redemption then certainly I think he'd have sought a more friendly relationship with Harry, if only on the side.

Which brings me back to how can you claim "James Potter Supremacy" when he's only seen in SWM, where he's a cruel bully to someone minding their own business (SWM takes place after the Shack per canon), and we only have the testimony of Sirius and Remus, a decade after his death, to say that he "got better" -- which meant not publicly tormenting Snape, but doing it in private. We never get to see this better version of James.

Sirius and Remus are highly motivated to put James in the best light possible to his orphaned son, which is natural, but it doesn't make it gospel truth. I think he may have become a better person with time, because that typically happens, and certainly he had the capacity for great kindness (befriending Remus) which makes his decisions to be so cruel even more painful. But he died and we never get to see any of him in canon except him being a complete asshole.

So why would you question how people can like Snape when there is so much more canonical evidence that Snape was a good person with serious faults than there is for James being anything other than a school bully who died young?

#severus snape #pro snape #professor severus snape #pro severus snape #The irony of All the Young Dudes written by #David Bowie #A perennial outsider to that point #Who's gender non-conformity was threatening to the establishment #Becoming so strongly associated with a set of characters who are emblematic OF the establishment #To the point that the Google tells me about the BOOK (their word) before the song #When the FANFIC demonizes the canonically gender nonconforming character. #Awful #flames on the side of my face #i don't want to live on this planet anymore

[aspd-culture]

hey, i've really enjoyed this blog so i want to make absolutely sure: your stance on endogenic systems is "they have trauma, they just don't know it"?

Yep. If someone is genuinely a system, that is incompatible with having no trauma. If someone genuinely did not have trauma, they by our current scientific understanding cannot be a system.

That said, unlike many other people with this take, I try not to push endos to realize that because if they were ready to, their system would have told them. I know *multiple* people who identified as "endo" before remembering their trauma when they were ready to and realizing they were very wrong.

I also know people who formerly identified as "endo" but realized that trauma to a child can be things as "simple" as a divorce or death of a very important person in their family etc. It's not always super intense abuse. Whilst that is much more likely to cause a system it is in no way impossible to see it from things that are not commonly thought of as traumatic. It's a great time to acknowledge this actually because it's true of every trauma disorder - childhood trauma is inherently going to be different than adult trauma because children are less resilient with less life experience and their brains are still in development so they are much less likely to "bounce back". It gets cemented in their development that pain like this is part of the world and they need to develop ways to cope.

The things that an adult believes they cannot manage to survive, and therefore need to change the way their brain functions to tolerate, has a *much* higher threshold than the same for a child because a child has not seen proof of what the human brain and body can survive. Further, a child hasn't developed the ability to emotionally support themselves, so emotional neglect can make it so what in no way even upsets a child with a support system may feel unsurvivable to a child without any. If you didn't know how much blood you could lose and still live, you would think the smallest scratch might kill you - that's what life is to a child.

All of that is to say, systems don't need to have lived through unspeakable horrors to be systems, but they *do* need to have some sort of trauma as far as we currently know. If you look into adverse child experiences (ACEs), you will probably be surprised as to what counts as traumatic in the mind of a child. I cannot stress enough that a kid may become traumatized enough to develop a system from almost *any* normal negative part of life if they have no emotional support to teach them how to adjust and handle pain. That is where, in that case, the system would come in - to be the ones helping them process and handle pain since no one else is.

If the psych community were to find in multiple repeatable studies that there is a reason for non-traumagenic systems to develop, I would change my stance because I know that psych knowledge especially has a very short half-life. We learn new things all the time. But for what we currently know about how systems develop, they cannot do so without some type of sustained trauma.

If that affects your enjoyment of this blog, I'm not sure what to say. It is not common that systems even get discussed here, though it does come up sometimes because both are trauma disorders (with ASPD being infrequently purely genetic I think?). When it does come up - because all of this blog besides the culture asks are based in current psych knowledge, the DSM/ICD, and my personal anecdotes - you will see my understanding in my discussions of it. It's not to alienate anyone, but it's no different than someone asking me to say something currently believed to be factually wrong about ASPD for their comfort; I can't and won't do that.

I don't mean to come off hostile, this is all /neutral, it's just that I hate the idea that an ASPD blog that is helpful or enjoyable to someone might in some way have that positive impact affected by a currently accepted truth about a completely unrelated disorder.

Is it right of me to take that out on you though my tone? No, because you're not the one causing that emotion bc I don't even particularly know your stance on this. Unfortunately though, despite rewriting this post like 3 times, I cannot seem to get the /neutral tone to come across properly. Just... please understand it is there because my autism is not letting me phrase it right.

#aspd-culture-is #tw endo #cw endo #system discourse #cw trauma

[hyenahunt]

Saga: Rivals - 10

Writer: Akira

Season: Winter

Characters: Chiaki, Eichi

Proofreading: moricchiichan (JP) & Peace (ENG)

Translation: kotofucius

Chiaki: Don’t call it kiddie stuff! It’s entirely different for something to be “for kids” and “kiddie stuff,” Tenshouin!

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Location: Classroom 3-A

Time: Same day, during breaktime

Chiaki: …Lilith?

Eichi: Yes. That’s the name of the most formidable opponent you’ll face in Project-Saga — The temporary unit led by the legendary idol Hidaka Seiya.

Chiaki: Hmm. I’ve heard of such a group being formed, but I had no idea about the specifics, since they’re keeping details hidden.

Lilith… It’s a pretty cute name, isn’t it?

Eichi: Fufu. Since you're surprisingly well-read, Chiaki, you should know the name.

The Bible depicts Adam as the first man created… and Lilith was the name of his first wife.

She isn’t very widely known, though. Generally, people think of Eve the first thing when you say “Adam’s wife.”

Maybe she pops up in comics and novels, but she isn’t a very popular character in the original lore. Similar to how Berserkers in Norse mythology are treated.

Chiaki: Hold on — even if you make that comparison, I’m not knowledgeable enough about that to know whether to agree or not.

Eichi: Well, your specialty is tokusatsu, after all. There is a limit to how much information the human brain can hold, so it’s inevitable that we’d pick out which ones to absorb and ignore.

I was born frail and constantly at the brink of death… so I had many opportunities to ponder about gods and the afterlife. That’s all.

And little Keito happened to be a defiant, angsty child. I didn’t even have to ask him to lecture me on each little thing he learned about faith; Buddhism or otherwise.

Chiaki: Wow, Hasumi? I didn’t expect that.

Eichi: Is that so?

Well, we don’t look like close friends now, so it may be hard to believe that he and I had such adorable moments together as children.

We even made a childish promise.

He would ask how I want my burial to be, and tell me to choose my own heaven with childish arrogance.

Chiaki: Yeah, I can tell at a glance that you’re tied with a strong bond.

But that isn’t what I was referring to… Hasumi looks like a straight-laced guy to me, so I didn’t expect him to study up on religions other than what his temple supports.

Eichi: Fufu. He's an unexpectedly fancy-free type of boy… I guess that isn’t a pleasant way to put it. He’s so broad-minded that he can accept any ideas…

And before he realized it, he’d find himself being bogged down by unnecessary baggage… He’d have absorbed too many things and become unable to take a step from their weight.

Quite a monk, to be so easily distracted by worldly passions. Well, better than being a fanatic who tolerates no objections towards their belief, I guess.

Anyway, who cares about Keito. We’ve gotten off-topic…

In various mythologies, characters who oppose the faith or abuse the teachings of the almighty gods are often shunned.

The Norse Berserkers I mentioned were warriors who offered prayers to their god and were blessed with his protection in return, yet slayed friends and foes like beasts without wisdom.

They’re considered pests; snakes in the grass.

Lilith was the same; her very presence could shake the religion at its foundation. Actually, for those who wanted to use the power of faith as a tool, she was almost an eyesore.

Eve was created from Adam’s rib and a lump of earth.

This establishes Adam’s superiority as Eve’s creator… and at the same time, allows the assertion that Eve was not directly brought into being by the Almighty God.

Thus proving that men are superior to women — This is more convenient for certain authorities.

That’s why it’s unacceptable for there to be a woman equal and akin to Adam.

It may sound old-fashioned and ridiculous for us living in these modern times.

But such manipulations had to be made to make a shield out of the colossal power of religion.

Although based on the time she started to appear in texts, Lilith was perhaps also conceived, or syncretized, for similar ends.

Chiaki: Ah… I think Lilith defied God, fell to Hell, and became the boss of demons?

Eichi: Exactly. She didn’t become the mother of mankind — but the mother of the evil demons that lead mankind astray and kill them.

That’s how Eve and Lilith were degraded and twisted to reinforce and legitimate male supremacy.

Lilith is especially portrayed as a repulsive presence that you’re taught not to be like; you’re finished if you ever turn out like her.

A stock villain, just like Norse Berserkers.

That’s why she’s unpopular in myths, because she’s an outcast people would put you down for liking.

I think it’s a poor move to use the name of such an offensive character for Hidaka Seiya’s Project-Saga unit.

There’s too much of a bad reputation attached to it.

Chiaki: Hmm… This goes for Berserkers too, but villains and monsters of her type are popular in manga and anime, right?

In modern Japan, where the influence of religion isn’t so strong, I think those media are more reliable as a way to gauge popularity.

Eichi: True. I wonder what is it with our people’s attraction to characters who ooze an air of vile or mystery…

Evil is bound to be defeated — So is it because our countrymen like to root for the loser?

Chiaki: No, I’m sure not everybody loves evil.

The most popular figure in tokusatsu is still the hero… the one who allies with justice. It’s the sort of story these shows still portray to this day, after all.

Eichi: Well, I guess. It’s honestly hard to believe there are adults who would believe, accept, and applaud such kiddie stuff.

Chiaki: Don’t call it kiddie stuff! It’s entirely different for something to be “for kids” and “kiddie stuff,” Tenshouin!

Eichi: Well… I think that argument can go on for a while, so I’ll evade it. It isn’t our main topic.

Hmm, I wonder if there really is no deep meaning…

Do they just want to borrow Adam, Eve, and Eden’s power — Because these units have retained their popularity despite CosPro’s failure in SS?

That’s why they chose a name related to Adam — Lilith… This is the more natural conclusion, but something still bothers me.

Why didn’t they choose a more agreeable name, then? God, angels, saints, miracles…

They didn’t have to choose the name of an offensive monster, did they?

[ ☆ ]

✦✦✦✦✦

← prev ✦ all ✦ next →

#ensemble stars #enstars #enstars translation #hyenahunttl #s: saga #eichi tenshouin #chiaki morisawa

[chavisory]

One of the things I like that Ruf is emphasizing a lot is that, far from teaching kids that they’re superior or special (which many parents understandably don’t want), gifted ed. and appropriate acceleration/accommodation is necessary to teach kids not to become superior or arrogant:

“Gifted children cannot learn study skills or time management in such a classroom, and they may also get a distorted, unrealistic impression of how smart they are, where they fit in, and which behaviors and kinds of performance indicate high intelligence. Additionally, if the material is perpetually easy, they may resist challenge when it is finally provided in high school or college.”

“Unfortunately, gifted children who must work with and wait for slower children on a regular basis often become less tolerant, less helpful, or less empathetic to individual differences than those children placed in mixed-ability groups intermittently for non-academic activities.”

(And like, I think there has to be a better answer to this than just that gifted students never do academics with slower students. I don’t think isolating those groups of kids from each other except for when their intellectual needs could not possibly conflict is a good answer, either, will yet again ill-serve 2e students, and we already have too many disabled students in abusive, isolating, segregated classrooms as it is. But getting sent the message constantly that people slower than you have legitimate educational needs and you don’t, is not a good recipe for empathy or acceptance.)

“Children learn to tune out extraneous information in classrooms that go too slowly and repetitively for them. They learn that it is rare that anything new is discussed, so they lose themselves in their own thoughts and then catch up quickly when necessary. Unfortunately, if this becomes a habit, these children may miss important information when the demands become greater in later school years.”

Or when it turns out you cannot actually do a job that way!

#gifted stuff

[welcomee-homeee]

"Childhood emotional neglect (CEN) is where a child's emotional needs are not met by their caregivers, leading to a lack of attachment and emotional development. This neglect may involve ignoring a child's emotional distress, failing to provide comfort or support, or possibly not responding to their emotional cues. The effects of CEN can last well into adulthood, affecting our relationships, self-esteem, and overall mental health... understanding CEN is not about having someone to blame, it's about understanding what's going in on our life so we can take responsibility for caring for ourselves."

"All of sudden we may feel we are going to be abandoned and start thinking about leaving them first, right, so they don't leave us, we get out first."

7 Subtle Signs of CEN

1. Emotional Numbness - complete disconnection, trouble expressing.

"If we tend not to respond to our life experiences, no emotional response at all, it might be because our feelings have gone underground because we didn't learn how to accept them as children, so it was just safer to stuff them and forget they exist altogether"

2. Low self-esteem - feelings of worthlessness, negative self-image "When our emotional needs aren't met when we're little we can believe that we don't have a right to take up space or be seen and heard, or that we're unimportant....every time we reach out for love and support, we aren't met with it...and we can start to believe that something is wrong with us...that leads to negative self-talk and low self-esteem."

3. Picking the wrong people

"Maybe it's not all about them, maybe it's us.. there's a reason behind [picking the wrong people] ... maybe we had an emotionally unavailable parent, and even though we may want a partner who shows up and is vulnerable and loving and kind to us; our brain can feel safer with what we know, which could be someone who's a little distant or emotionally unavailable. So we tend to pick partners and friends who make us feel safe versus actually being safe." "Maybe we don't even feel fully comfortable with emotional vulnerability so subconsciously, we sabotage our relationships or friendships with healthy people before they even happen because something just feels off to us...so we can find ourselves picking fights, looking for small things we don't like."

4. Impulsivity - overeating, undereating, drug & alcohol abuse, unsafe sex, or other dangerous activities "As children, we all have impulse control issues. They don't have any impulse control, they want, they do, they run, they jump, it can feel very chaotic... But what's supposed to happen is our parents or caregivers should step in and set boundaries for us and then help us learn how to navigate and kind of manage our impulses and develop a sense of self-control. This could come in the form of teaching us how to be patient or how to express our emotions around what's coming up when we can't do that thing right away. And when this doesn't happen in a healthy way, our impulse management system can still be operated by our inner child... and so we, as adult us, can feel like we have no control...what we need to do to work on this is we need to reparent that part of ourselves, that child that's running the show inside, learning that there is an adult present...and this adult can help us learn how to handle our desires and impulses in a very adult manner."

5. Difficulty regulating emotions - outbursts, constant mood swings

"We have to be taught through life from our parents how to accept our emotions, identify them, then learn how to tolerate them and then, what do we do with those emotions? And if our parent, or parents, aren't there for us emotionally in the way that we need, it's going to be hard for us to think that how we feel is valuable, important, and worth learning about. Instead, we can think how we feel is wrong, shameful, or to be ignored, which can make it hard for us to identify and regulate them as we get older."

6. Perfectionism - trying to be perfect OR NOT trying something at all. Checking out, procrastinating, dialing things in can be symptoms of perfectionism.

"Those who experienced CEN may feel an intense need or pull to be perfect which can result in a constant state of stress and anxiety" "It's essentially all or nothing thinking, black or white. 'If i can't do it perfectly, I won't do it at all.' ... Our brains may think that in order to secure worth and be safe, we have to do everything perfectly. So we strive every day to do things just the right way in the hopes that then and only then will we feel valued, loved, and worthy of care."

7. Difficulty making decisions

"Those of us who experienced CEN may struggle to make decisions and feel like we're always seeking validation from others. There are a couple of reasons for this, #1, when we don't learn how to regulate our emotions well, we can have a hard time getting the information we need from them to make healthy decisions. Either our emotions feel way out control, or we don't trust them, or possibly both. And either way, we are no longer in tune with them as a source of information. Because of that, we might have had some bad decisions in our lives, or trusted others to make them for us. And now we don't trust ourselves to make any decisions ever. Or second, maybe we just have a fractured sense of internal trust... Part of the way that we learn to trust ourselves is through our parents or caregivers. They reflect back to us that we are safe and capable. And when that gets distorted, or we aren't getting any feedback from them, we might feel like we're unable to make decisions, like we can't trust our gut because we don't even know how to tap into it and when we have, we've been told that's wrong." "If you recognized any of these signs within yourself, it's okay, it can get better." "The point of learning all of this is not to blame our parents but to take responsibility for our own healing." "We are not responsible for the choices our parents made, but we are responsible for the choices that we're going to make right now and how we want to parent ourselves."

#childhood emotional neglect #childhood neglect #mental health #childhood trauma #CEN

[miopet]

As long as we are under white supremacist capitalist imperialist fascism, I dont believe it is possible for cishet white men to father anyone without (perhaps subconsciously) coming to believe and behave as if his children are his physical and intellectual property. I'll die waiting for a good example of a cishet white American father without a terrifyingly misogynistic, incestuous obsession wrt controlling and owning the body, mind, and soul of his daughter in order to make her tolerable or useful to himself/ other men.

The structure of capitalist, white male supremacist society teaches him that it is a given right (by God, or the government, or natural order) to own another human being IF: 1. they are not an "equivalent man" in performance, physicality or mentality, and 2. they bear his genealogy. Anyone who fails to uphold (and thereby threatens) the rigid structural institution of white masculinity by performing gender correctly is deemed "inequal," including other men (LGBT, feminist, nonwhite, etc).

Additionally, the cishet white man is propagandized his entire life to believe that the Institution of Masculinity (a.k.a fascist white supremacist patriarchal society) is under attack by those who fail to uphold it. It's entirely about maintaining power over the rest of the world by enforcing the status quo of white male supremacy via the subordination and suppression of literally everyone else. We meme about it, but the unironic Sigma/Alpha/Beta Male subscribers are doing exactly this. These men are so desperate to maintain a hierarchical society that allows them to feel inherently superior to other human beings, that they have begun creating new types (genders) of Acceptable vs. Failed Men.

For a cishet white men to feel secure, he must live in a world that constantly asserts his own dominance and superiority over others. This starts in the home. The most accessible and effective method of ensuring the structure remains unchallenged for generations is to create children for the express purpose of raising (grooming) them to uphold it. Child labor laws largely prevent children from being useful to the capitalist, so all the "wasteful" non-work time in childhood can be redeemed by spending it forcing them to emulate behavior their fathers consider desirable.

The two components of shared genetics and unaccpeable gender performance justify for the cishet white father reactions of rage, violence, and abusive punishment when his children (who he considers his physical and intellectual property) defy him, and by extension defy the entire patriarchy. Sons are only useful as long as they uphold their fathers' expectations of masculinity, while daughters are only acceptable if they are subservient and repentant for not being sons.

Fathering a daughter is the ultimate failure on a man's part, because she is innately unable to uphold this institution without the severe guidance and control of a Man Who Knows Better. By being born as a non-man in body, mind, and/or spirit she has already failed. She is a woman: sinner, temptress, inferior, weak, dishonest, hysterical, innately manipulative, selfish, and lesser. Because she has failed every man that has ever existed or will ever exist by being alive, she must spend her entire life in atonement for her existence by embodying her status as property. If she dares not to live in constant servitude, repentance, and inferiority, then the responsiblity of inflicting her punishment falls to the men around her.

Fathers teach their sons by example to view any and every failed performance of masculinity or approved (non-threatening, subservient, digestible, sexually pleasing, soothing) feminity as personal attacks to their safety and right to superiority, and as opportunities to prove their worth to other men/ in order to maintain male superiority by oppression of others. Men make sure to treat their daughters worse than dogs in front of their sons, wives, mothers, families, friends, their children's friends, coworkers, strangers, cashiers, teachers, doctors, scientists, social workers, politicians, news cameras, the internet, the world. Their sons grow up treating their girlfriends, wives, mothers, and daughters the same way.

Although this perpetuation of oppression is entirely intentional, sickeningly purposeful, and incredibly blatant, I think that the individual man does not typically think even once about the level of violence that he enacts against women on a daily basis, simply within his own mind. It is more than traditional. His hatred and disdain for anyone who isn't another cishet white man is no longer conscious. It is a deep rooted belief that most men will never try to challenge because they don't feel the need or desire to do so, and the world will never demand it of them.

On the contrary, he will continually be rewarded for perpetuating patriarchal society, or ostracised and stripped of True Male superiority for chosing to associate with inferior, anti-white male genders. Anyone who asks or expects him to be cognizant of his privileges, of the way his actions affect others, or his own biases/ behavior is interpreted as directly threatening his personal and sociopolitical identities/ rights/ safety. The challenger becomes, in his mind, a personal enemy of every marginalized, misunderstood, snowflake white man.

Every single encounter with anyone, even his own children, functions as an opportunity to performatively demonstrate his worth and status as a valuable and "rare" Real Man, usually accomplished by degrading the least cishet white male-passing person around to artificially elevate the statuses of himself and his perceived equals. Everything he does becomes about proving the point of white male supremacy, teaching it as a lesson, and using it as a punishment against anyone who attempts to find another way of living and interacting with the world.

It has long been the perceived natural order of the cishet white man's world to view anyone who does not look, walk, talk and think like him or his own father as subhuman. Obviously, I am far from the first person to observe this, and I (white, tme) am not the person who suffers most because of it. However, being born to and abused by men who view the world, my mother, myself, in this extremely disturbing way, with vicious self righteousness, has defined my existence as a feminist and will do so forever.

bioessentialists get blocked

#talk tag #incest tw #fathers tw #youth rights #feminism #misogyny #anticapitalism #📖 #long post

[arnettethian]

What impact did online gaming have on society?

Any game that can be played over the Internet or a computer network is considered to be online gaming. The majority of the time, it refers to online multiplayer video games that include people from all over the globe. Online gambling via a poker room or casino can also be referred to as online gaming (Schurman 2022). Online gaming is growing in popularity for a variety of reasons. The development of gaming industry has attracted many teenagers and adults to view gaming as their necessities instead of a game that they play during their free time. In this blog, we will discover the cons and pros of the impact that gaming brings to the society.

To begin, gaming is actually an opportunity for young people to practice communication, improve thinking skills and conflict resolution skills. Even first-person shooting video games, which might not be suitable for young players or those under 18, teach teamwork, tolerance, and scenario-based learning. Most games involve strategy to comprehend and then comply with the rules. Online games may contribute in the development of cooperation, concentration, communication, commitment, leadership and problem-solving abilities, according to the Australian Office of the eSafety Commissioner, Think U Know UK, and the NZ organization Netsafe (The benefits of playing online games n.d). As stated, games may improve one’s thinking skills as it needs users to be aware of the environment, pay attention to detail, able to solve problems and to have backup plans as well as literacy.

Online gaming is often stereotyped as an isolated game, but it is actually more sociable than people realise. During the pandemic, people have found myriad ways to re-create-in-person socialization opportunities within video games, embracing the freedom of not being bound by geography or physical capabilities. Studies have found that playing video games can lead to more prosocial behaviors which is a behaviour that is positive, helpful, and aimed toward social acceptance (Wiederhold 2021). The shared experiences that social games provide can result in young people who are more inclined to help one another, in both online and real-world settings. In addition, social video games can increase the player's exposure to people from different regions and cultures. This is beneficial during a time when we are not able to socialize in school or to travel.

Although video games are recognized to offer certain advantages, as those described above, when they are used excessively, they may also have downsides. There are several possible risks associated with excessive gaming. Recent advancements have made it possible for gamers to access video games at any time and nearly anyplace, provided they have a play station portable console with them. Due to this, more time has been spent playing games, which might lead to addiction and an internet gaming disorder, associated with sleep loss, insomnia, and irregular circadian rhythms (Heiden, Braun, Muller & Egloff 2019).

In addition, a significant number of scientific research have found that regular exposure to violent video games raises the likelihood of aggressive behavior (Heiden, Braun, Muller & Egloff 2019). Children get normalised to violence as a result of this exposure, leading them to assume that the world is actually meaner and scarier than they actually are. It is frequently claimed that these ideas are difficult to overcome in later years. Kids start to believe that violence, as it is shown in the games, is typical behavior as a result.

The concept of violence in video games may be comparable to that of domestic abuse, where children exposed to violence may either act violently or become victims because they assume that what they encounter is the norm. The rise of these ideas in gamers has the potential to turn them violent and aggressive in the future.

To conclude, online gaming can bring both positive and negative impacts on the society. Users must control the amount of time and content of game they play. Always keep in mind in separating the gaming world from the real world so that addiction and violence could be reduced.

 

References:

Heiden JM, Braun, B, Muller, KW & Egloff, B 2019, ‘The Association Between Video Gaming and Psychological Functioning’, Original research, Department of Psychosomatic Medicine, University Medical Center, Mainz, Germany.

Schurman, K 2022, ‘What is Online Gaming?’, EasyTechJunkie, 27 October, viewed 26 November 2022, < https://www.easytechjunkie.com/what-is-online-gaming.htm>.

‘The benefits of playing online games’ n.d, Digital Citizenship, viewed 26 November 2022, <https://www.digitalcitizenship.nsw.edu.au/articles/the-benefits-of-playing-online-games>.

Wiederhold, BK 2021, ‘Kids Will Find a Way: The Benefits of Social Video Games’, Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking, vol. 24, no. 4.

#mda20009 #week 10 #socialgaming

[furiousgoldfish]

How abuse affects your friendships and relationships

Friendships/relationships

Abusive childhood teaches you to stay in abusive relationships

Children of abusive parents are more likely to tolerate abusive friends

Abuse will make toxic friendship feels normal.

Abusive parents teach us to chase people whose love we think we can 'earn' or obtain by removing boundaries and suffering more abuse.

Abuse can trick you into believing you have to love people unconditionally even if they abuse you.

Abusive parents fails to teach you the signs of an abusive relationship.

Abuse makes us scrutinize our own actions and behaviours, but never others'.

Abuse will make you completely disregard subtle red flags in friendships.

Long term neglect can make us long for any kind of attention

Neglect makes us extra vulnerable to Love Bombing and Mirroring

Abuse makes us vulnerable to Future Faking.

Abuse makes us tolerate more pain than anyone normally would tolerate in a friendship/relationship.

Abuse can teach us that neglect, lack of positive attention and engagement, lack of consideration for our needs and wants, is normal and acceptable in our friendships and relationships, leading us to tolerate it.

Living in abuse and using fantasy and idealism to endure the reality, will encourage the development of Magical Thinking in adulthood.

Abuse makes us emotionally vulnerable to grooming, and likely to bond with groomers.

Abuse makes it impossible to notice the signs of an abusive relationship.

Abuse can groom you to accept and tolerate abuse from others.

Sense of self

Neglect causes low self esteem.

Abuse greatly amplifies the human fear of being unlovable, unwanted and dying alone.

Being raised in abuse can make you feel like you're 'not normal' and make it difficult to relate to people.

Abuse can make you feel like you're a constant inconvenience and always left out.

Abuse forces you to keep secrets that alienate you from friendships or feeling like a part of community

Abuse in isolation makes us feel like the world abandoned us.  

Attachment disorders

Abuse can lead to intense, over-attached, idealized, unstable, disorganized, or detached and fragile attachments as opposed to stable and healthy ones with boundaries and realistic expectations.

Neglect can cause abandonment issues, which then cause intense stress, anxiety, insecurity, and overall traumatic response to a break of a friendship/relationship

Neglect can cause craving of being ‘taken care of’ or ‘being the caretaker’ rather than pursuing equal and completely mutual relationships

Abuse can lead you to bond intensely with a 'favourite person' which puts you into a position where you can easily be groomed or exploited, and unable to get out of it.

Abuse leads into idealizing people who show us even the minimum of kindness.

Abuse can make us crave ‘feeling important’ even from abusers

Parentification

Parentification teaches you to take care of other people as a Survival Strategy

Abusive parents can set you up to live as a resource to others

Abuse teaches you to keep your pain secret while tearing yourself apart to care for other's pain.

Socializing

Abuse starves us out of conversation, touch, gentleness, community, and it can be painful to introduce ourselves (back) to it.

Abuse makes casual socializing anxiety-inducing and frightening.

Social abuse can invoke social anxiety.

Abuse can make attention feel dangerous.

Abusive parents can sabotage you socially, making your real entrance into social life only after you get away from them, and by that time you've missed out on valuable development of social skills and you're starting with a disadvantage

Suffering the pain of abuse alone can make you feel like isolating yourself and being away from people is the only safe way to exist.

Suffering long-term abuse can make you intensely doubt people's intentions (and sometimes you might be right).

Abuse can make any criticism in a social situation extremely painful and triggering for us

Abuse can create strict double standards for how we're allowed to live and feel, and what others are allowed.

Intimacy and closeness will trigger emotional flashbacks, painful memories and personal crisis, making you unwilling to try and be close to people.

Long term abuse makes it painful for us to receive or accept comfort.

Abuse can make us feel indebted for comfort.

Abuse makes us feel like we're craving abuse when we're only craving comfort

Abuse makes us look for positive attention in non-effective or dangerous ways.

Abuse can make you blame yourself for any social interaction that hurts you.

Abuse makes us dismiss our own discomfort with others.

#abuse checklist #child abuse #cptsd #abusive relationships #abusive friendships #abusive parents #aftermath of abuse #social abuse #aftermath of neglect #child neglect #toxic relationships #toxic friendships #parentification

[azeez-unv]

Understanding Discipline

According to the Indian Penal Code (IPC), individuals aged 22 and below are considered children. This classification is based on the idea that until a person reaches an age where they can consistently distinguish right from wrong and exercise their sense of discrimination, they should be regarded as children. During this period, it is advisable not to resort to punitive measures but rather to provide guidance and emphasize the importance of discipline.

The term "discipline" fundamentally means imparting knowledge and skills, which is essentially a form of teaching.

However, it is frequently misconstrued as punishment and control.

The topic of how to effectively discipline children is a subject of great controversy, leaving parents and educators perplexed about the most suitable methods for setting boundaries and fostering self-control in young individuals.

▪️To be effective, discipline needs to be:

1. Given by an adult with an affective bond to the child. (Of course we teachers are adults)

2. Consistent, close to the behaviour needing change;

3. Perceived as ‘fair’ by the child;

developmentally and temperamentally appropriate; and

4. Self-enhancing, ie, ultimately leading to self-discipline.

Therefore a teacher can promote effective discipline through evaluation, anticipatory guidance and counselling.

▪️Here the steps are:

Evaluation

Anticipatory guidance and

Counseling...

We see one by one into it.

▪️Evaluation

The psychosocial interview, which is part of students care, should include:

1. non-judgmental inquiry about parents’ attitudes toward discipline;

2. questions about who disciplines and the type of discipline used;

3. discussion of difficulties or problems with discipline; and

4. inquiries about parental stressors.

▪️Anticipatory guidance:

When providing anticipatory guidance for school-aged children, it's important to address topics that are appropriate to their developmental level.

Some examples:

1. Academic Development

2. Social Skills

3. Physical Health

4. Safety Education

5. Emotional Well-being

6. Responsible Technology Use

7. Bullying and Peer Pressure

8. Career Aspirations

▪️Counseling:

Counseling parents prior to counseling students are important.

Counseling, especially for parents, should indeed aim to:

1. Strengthen parental skills and assist in discovering strategies that align with the family's specific requirements.

2. Offer guidance on effective discipline methods based on the child's age and development, the parent-child relationship, and considering cultural and social norms.

3. Provide resources to support parents, including printed materials or referrals to other professionals when necessary.

▪️Goal of effective discipline:

The goal of effective discipline is to foster acceptable and appropriate behaviour in the child and to raise emotionally mature adults.

An example

A disciplined person is able to postpone pleasure, is considerate of the needs of others, is assertive without being aggressive or hostile, and can tolerate discomfort when necessary.

▪️Foundation of effective discipline:

The foundation of effective discipline is RESPECT.

The child should be able to respect the parent’s or teacher's authority and also the rights of others.

Inconsistency in applying discipline will not help a child respect his or her parents and teachers.

Harsh discipline such as humiliation (verbal abuse, shouting, name-calling) will also make it hard for the child to respect and trust the parent and teacher.

▪️What is inconsistency?

Telling children to “Do as I say, but not as I do” does not achieve effective discipline. Parental disagreements about child-rearing techniques, as well as cultural differences between parents, often result in inconsistent disciplining methods. The physician needs to be mindful of these challenges and suggest steps that parents can take to resolve these differences

Almost all indisciplined children around the world are results of parents' inconsistency.

Mainly indisciplined parents, inverted relationship, broken families

▪️In my opinion, generally, school children of age 12 and below:

The child’s increasing independence may lead to conflicts. School-age children tend to act autonomously, choose their own activities and friends, and, to some extent, recognize other than parental authority.

Parents should continue to supervise, provide good behavioural models, set rules consistently, but also allow the child to become increasingly autonomous.

Parents should continue to make important decisions because school-age children cannot always put reasoning and judgment into practice.

Praise and approval should be used liberally, although not excessively, to encourage good behaviour and growth into a more mature human being. The use of appropriate motivators should be encouraged; for example, buy a keen reader his or her favourite book.

Acceptable means of discipline include withdrawal or delay of privileges, consequences and time-out.

Example: The child destroys toys. Instead of replacing these toys, let the child learn the logical consequences. Destroying toys will result in no toys to play with.

Children should know that the privilege given to them is to save it and keep it for longer run.

The privilege given to them is to protect themselves from getting more privileges and not to diminish it from parents or the school environment....

▪️Set up some rules:

Rules are established for children so they can learn to live cooperatively with others, to teach them to distinguish right from wrong, and to protect them from harm.

Children raised without reasonable limits will have difficulty adjusting socially. The following are some ways that parents can use rules and limits to promote effective discipline:

1. Reinforce desirable behaviour. Praise positive behaviour and “catch children being good”.

2. Avoid nagging and making threats without consequences. The latter may even encourage undesired behaviour.

3. Apply rules consistently.

4. Ignore unimportant and irrelevant behaviour, eg, swinging legs while sitting.

5. Set reasonable and consistent limits.

6. Consequences need to be realistic. For example, grounding for a month may not be feasible.

7. State acceptable and appropriate behaviour that is attainable.

8. Prioritize rules. Give top priority to safety, then to correcting behaviour that harms people and property, and then to behaviour such as whining, temper tantrums and interrupting.

9. Concentrate on two or three rules at first.

10. Know and accept age-appropriate behaviour.

11. Allow for the child’s temperament and individuality (goodness of fit). A strong-willed child needs to be raised differently from the so-called ‘compliant child’.

[tautokomai]

Sexual Abuse in Children: Dealing With the Onset of Pain and Despair

The trauma brought by the experience of child sexual abuse is so overwhelming that victims can do nothing but lose hope, courage, and self-belief. It is so easy for sex offenders and abusers to carry out what they do, but it becomes very difficult and painful for the victims to accept the unfortunate situation they have been into. sexually assaulted hamilton

The most disturbing thing about children sexually abused is the fact that almost all of them grow up carrying the painful memories of the past. What happens next is that they start to manifest unwanted effects from it. The effects in return can be in different forms - from behavioral problems, cycle of abuse, to drug and alcohol addiction. But whatever the result of the abuse is, one thing is for sure: these ill-fated individuals should not be blamed. Every single victim did not deserve it. sexual abuse helpline

Now if we try to dig deep on common and natural responses of the victims, one feeling stands out - despair. This kind of emotional tendency happens when you lose hope on yourself. For victims of sexual abuse, it is very likely that they will turn their back against everyone. They would feel as if no one is there to help them and that they deserved what happened to them. This kind of mentality then leads to the idea that hoping to have a normal life and a bright future isn't possible anymore. What they have created onto themselves is a cloud of hopelessness. They feel like it's the end of the world by the time the offender laid his hands on them. have I been assaulted

We know that the virtue called hope is the one that teaches us to look at the future on a positive note. But if you were abused at such a young age, it can be pretty to positively look at the future ahead. Instead, you become depressed and the pain of the abuse will always be with you as long as you tolerate it. For some, what happened to them is purely destiny. They have come to accept that they were brought into this world to be abused. But of course, that's not true. ptsd sexual abuse

Victims must think of the experience as a trial. There have been lots of cases that have been transformed into success stories. Each survivor should think that being sexually abused as a child is not a hindrance to what ambition they have for in the future. By allowing themselves to be consumed by despair and depression, they are simply telling their abusers that they have succeeded in ruining their young lives.

[thebluelemontree]

Do you think there is a similarity between Sandor's cynicism and Jaime's broken idealism? And do you think it will connect them in the future (especially as both of them seem set to spend significant time in the Riverlands)?

Oh, yeah. Very much. They are two sides of the same coin in their struggle with knighthood: what it's supposed to stand for vs their soul-crushing experience with it. It would be freaking criminal if they didn't reconnect and interact on the page. I would love to read any conversation between them. Now keep in mind I am not a Jaime expert, though I'm looking forward to doing a closer reread of him at some point. So I might be leaving some things out or oversimplifying. Despite having like one small direct interaction on the page (the joust at the Hand's tourney), there seems to be a lot of shared history and threads that connect them. We know Sandor's grandfather saved the life of Jaime's grandfather, resulting in the establishment of House Clegane. In their generation, however, they are both are products of highly dysfunctional families with a history of abuse (though different kinds), first inflicted by a sibling and then further compounded by their fathers.

Sandor entered service at the Rock at around 11ish years old in 281 or 282 AC, and was probably in his early to mid-teens when he became Cersei's shield. I say this because it seems like Sandor's worldview would have solidified into what it is after serving closely with the Lannisters at a still impressionable age. I imagine Sandor really distinguished himself during and shortly after Robert's Rebellion to get promoted to that privileged position. That's another thing that they have in common. Both distinguished themselves as formidable warriors at an uncommonly young age. I'm sure Jaime, who was already a member of the kingsguard, must have approved of Sandor because I doubt he'd be okay with just anyone guarding Cersei. And this must have been a point of pride for Sandor to prove himself as his grandfather once did, all without being a knight. Just as Jaime was proud of being knighted by Arthur Dayne and receiving his white cloak from King Aerys all at the age of 15, making him the youngest person ever raised to the kingsguard. The types of honors they both earned took them in different directions, but it is still a similarity. Once Cersei is wed to Robert in 284, this probably marks the start of when Jaime and Sandor were in each other's presence on a regular basis. A lot of rambling under the cut. I'm gonna tag @janiedean, because she knows way more about Jaime than I do, in case I get anything wrong or they have something to add that I missed.

While they didn't spend much, if any, time together under Tywin's roof, they were profoundly affected by Tywin's philosophy, ruling style, and expectations. The Rock is a place where weakness is not tolerated. As an orphaned homeless child, Sandor probably saw what Lord Tywin valued and adapted quickly to earn his keep. Sandor knows his role is to be a dog that accepts whatever scraps his master sees fit to give him. While Jaime's role is under enormous pressure to be the golden child heir even though he isn't naturally suited for it and doesn't want it, it's still water from the same well. It's the same overbearing "everyone in their place" mentality. As Tywin says, "There is a tool for every task, and a task for every tool."

Both have killed or attempted to kill a child at the start of the story, and it's no coincidence those respective children are a reflection of their younger selves.

Mycah, the butcher's boy (think how Sandor calls himself "the butcher"), was viciously attacked by Joffrey while playing with a toy sword, (i.e. playing at knighthood) and bloodied his face to teach him a lesson. Then Sandor, with a hardened heart, played his role as the enforcer of an unjust system that destroyed an innocent boy, literally cleaving him nearly in two. If that isn't a metaphor for Sandor's issues with knighthood and his resulting duality with the Hound, I'll eat my hat.

Bran idolizes knights, especially the kingsguard. He imagines himself joining their ranks one day, just as it was Jaime's dream come true when he became the youngest kingsguard ever inducted. Jaime seemed to him a knight from the stories, even if Robb told him why he was called the Kingslayer. In the scene where Bran is pushed from the tower window, Jaime's initial instinct was to save Bran and lift him up to safety, even though Bran had just caught them in the treasonous act of adultery. When Cersei shows disapproval of this choice, Jaime, almost robotically, looks away from Bran and resigns himself to carry out what he thinks must be done out of love, with loathing. This is our introduction to Jaime's conditioned paralysis in these types of situations, mirrored by Bran's literal paralysis.

Jaime's faith in the institution was murdered by a thousand cuts. It wasn't just from the horrifying things he witnessed from King Aerys but also from being chastised by his Lord Commander, Gerold Hightower, that "he swore a vow to guard the king, not judge him." All while said king is BBQing people and brutalizing his wife. When Jaime spoke up to protect the queen, Ser Jon Darry told him it was not their place. Do not use your judgment, Jaime. Do not think. Do not choose. Do not listen to your own moral compass. To be a knight is to be paralyzed by obedience to whom you swore your vows, no matter what the cost. Yes, Jaime's idealism told him his first fundamental oath was to protect the weak, and that's reflected in his natural instincts. Except that notion was drummed out of him by all sides. He was primed for it being raised in a brutal authoritarian family that despises weakness and learned that "love" means his total devotion and sacrifice. No wonder it's just easier to not think, and just "go away inside" so he can just get on with it. Or get through a traumatic event. We see that when he tells Brienne to disassociate from an SA, fearing any defiance will get her killed. That feels similar to Sandor's thought process when he advises Sansa, from one domestic violence survivor to another, to "save [herself] some pain" and just give Joffrey what he wants.

This is a good point to say both Jaime and Sandor have some really intense coping mechanisms for dealing with their trauma: Jaime and his disassociation, his "going away inside." Then putting on that Kingslayer idgaf attitude to cover up how weak and helpless he actually feels, "inside, where it does not show." Sandor with his Hound persona, an identity that helps him feel safe from revictimization, and occasional abuse of alcohol. Obviously, these things are not serving them well because it's led them to be in the service of bad people, and they're totally miserable from all the self-loathing that results from it. You could see how this all gets muddled with their common "love language": acts of service and displays of loyalty. (Not to mention, they are both featured in the two primary Beauty and The Beast themed storylines)

And another thing about these two: MAJOR issues with vows. Conflicting vows and loyalties have Jaime in such a chokehold that he feels more soiled every time keeping one inevitably breaks another. And then carries the constant judgment of others for it with him. The one time Jaime actively used his judgment and followed his own moral compass, he got SLAPPED with a moniker that labeled him as the most dishonorable scum alive for the next 16 years. So of course, he's like throwing up his hands and saying "fuck this shit, not making that mistake again."

Sandor refuses to make any vows to protest the institutions he views as hypocritical and corrupt; however, he justifies his own behavior by saying "I'm honest. It's the world that's awful." Which he knows is a bullshit answer because suddenly he can't stand Sansa looking at him when she was subjected to said awfulness and chose to hold fast to her ideals and remain a decent person. I swear their mentality at this stage is like two overly cynical (but really jaded idealist) teenage know-it-alls that like to lecture at their respective younger teens, who are, in some capacities, way more mature and wise than they are despite their naivete.

Now for how they feel about each other, which is admittedly, not obvious in the text. You have to read between the lines, and you only get one's POV. Jaime seems to be remarkably cool with Sandor. He's one of the few that knows Sandor well enough to be skeptical of his reported involvement with the Saltpans massacre, citing that sounded more like Gregor. SA is something Jaime is very sensitive to, and like I mentioned before, I don't think he would be okay with someone like Gregor being close to Cersei and the children. He does call Sandor dangerous as a statement-of-fact, but he probably did at least treat Sandor like an individual, and not just a Clegane. That's something that is important to Sandor.

We can't see into Sandor's head, but as far as we can tell, he's never said a negative thing about Jaime. That's despite almost certainly knowing about the incest. How could he not? He's very vigilant and observant. People not nearly as close to the queen knew about it. Servants talk. I doubt he'd be all that shocked by it. Now, this might just be the kind of thing Sandor's cynicism and disillusionment would call par for the course. And these are also his liege lords, to whom he feels he owes his loyalty for taking him in; however, I would also guess the fact that Jaime doesn't really pretend to be virtuous would make Sandor less inclined to judge him outright. It's the falsehood that pisses Sandor off, not honest shittiness. And the absence of judgment would be important to Jaime, at the bare minimum.

I'm not claiming they were ever friends by any means, but probably more like work colleagues that respected each other from a distance.

To finally finish up, the one interaction they have on-page is their joust at the Hand's tourney. Sandor is nearly unhorsed by Jaime, but on the next pass, Sandor strikes Jaime so hard Jaime's helmet gets twisted around backward and stuck on. While the crowd has a good laugh at that hilarious spectacle, Jaime seems like a really good sport about Sandor's win. He never shows any anger or hurt pride over this. In fact, Jaime rates Sandor highly as a fighter, so it makes sense he would feel no shame in losing to someone with bonafide skills in a close match. I would say Sandor is probably of the same mind because he wouldn't even bother to joust in Joffrey's name day tourney since the available competition overwhelmingly sucked. I have a feeling that the theme of brotherhood will be something that binds them going forward. Despite being separated by distance, they were made brothers of the kingsguard who wore the same white cloak for a time period. And Sandor stood in Jaime's shoes in the same throne room, paralyzed by indecision while watching his king torture a Stark. And it's something Sandor loathes himself for. This is why I'm dying for any dialogue between them. I can see them really "getting" each other now, especially post-redemption. Right now, I'm of the opinion that Jaime is on the verge of having a confessional moment with LSH, similar to Sandor's, which will make a definitive cut through his Gordion knot conflicting-oaths problem. So I feel like there is real potential here for them to find brotherhood in recovery from soiled knighthood.

I know that was very rambly. Thanks for the question.

#valyrianscrolls #jaime lannister #jaime lannister meta #sandor clegane #sandor clegane meta #asoiaf themes #asoiaf meta #cersei lannister #brienne of tarth #sansa stark #anti cersei lannister #tagging that just in case #twow spec #my meta

[j3ssisam3ss]

Childhood Friends - Fluff

For @animebookworm16

It got kind of long and I’m not really sure it still counts as fluff, but here’s my piece for @maribat-angst-fluff-april, prompt 25, Childhood Friends.

Damian Al Ghul-Wayne was five years old the first time he met a girl his age. And in typical League of Assassins style, he went for efficiency by meeting ten at once.

“These are your betrothed,” Talia told him. “All but one will be dead by your twelfth birthday. You will marry the sole survivor on your eighteenth birthday and produce an Heir to carry on the great legacy of the League of Assassins.”

Nine of the girls heard the words without so much as a flinch. The last stared in shock at Talia, then broke into tears.

“Quiet, Marinette,” Talia hissed.

“No,” she yelled defiantly, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I want my mama!”

Talia backhanded her and she fell to the floor with a yelp.

Damian surveyed the girl – Marinette – with distaste.

“Mother, surely you don’t consider this sniveling coward worthy to compete for my hand?”

“Her mother, Sabine Cheng, was our best assassin for years before she turned traitor. I suppose she’s lost her touch if she raised such a weak daughter.” Talia shrugged elegantly. “No matter, if she turns out to be useless, we’ll ship her mutilated corpse back to Sabine as a reminder of what happens when you cross the League.”

She waved the girls away. “To your training now.”

Damian watched as Marinette sniffled and followed the other girls out the door.

She won’t last a week.

He had no idea how wrong he was.

.

Marinette Dupain-Cheng was five years old the first time she won a fight. And in typical Dupain-Cheng fashion, she did so in the most unpredictable way possible.

“You’re going down, pigtails,” shouted a pretty brunette, charging at Marinette with a sword that was as tall as she was.

With a startled shriek, Marinette darted away. She hated how behind she was here. Back home, she was good at everything – reading circle, art class, tussles when the teacher’s back was turned. Here, it felt like she was constantly playing catch-up.

Not to mention, the constant threat of death was not fun.

Skidding around a corner of the labyrinth arena, she tripped over a protruding stone and fell to the ground. The brunette grinned viciously, advancing towards her.

Marinette smiled nervously. “Can’t we talk this out?”

“Not a chance, shortie,” said the brunette.

Marinette glanced around frantically.

I don’t want to die!

She reached for a rock, a stick, anything that could help her fight, but came up with only a handful of sand. With a pleading glance heavenward, she flung it into the brunette’s face and lurched to her feet, grinning when the girl had to stop to get the grit out of her eyes.

Taking off into the labyrinth of passages, she nearly stumbled again, this time over a nearly buried metal object.

She shifted away the dirt surrounding it and smirked. “Finally, a weapon I know how to use.”

Ten minutes later, the watching League members straightened in surprise as the smallest and weakest of Damian’s betrotheds utterly decimated her opponent.

With a frying pan.

.

“What are you doing here?”

The two children spoke in unison, glaring daggers at one another.

“I always come here,” Marinette said. “It’s my drawing spot.”

“The vents are my domain, Dupain-Cheng,” Damian said. “Get out.”

Two years’ worth of resentment and anger simmered beneath Marinette’s skin.

 Drawing is the last thing I have of home. I won’t let him take it from me.

“No.”

Damian looked thunderstruck and Marinette couldn’t keep the smirk off her face.

“I am Heir to the Demon! You will obey me!”

“You may be Heir to the Demon, but right now you’re also a kid skipping classes,” Marinette argued. “And if you make me leave, I’ll tell Talia exactly where you go when you’re not in class.”

Ha, take that, you tyrant!

Damian froze. Marinette watched as emotions overtook his face – anger, resentment, then acceptance.

“Fine,” he grumbled.

Marinette smiled and returned to her sketchbook – which wasn’t really a sketchbook, just some loose papers she’d tucked into her history book.

A few minutes later, Damian peered over her shoulder. “What are you doing?”

“Drawing,” she said, holding out a few of her older sketches, the ones she wouldn’t mind losing if Damian decided to rip them. “There’s your mother fighting, cook making soup, the sunset from this other spot in the vents – actually, that one’s pretty bad because I didn’t have any colors.”

Damian stared at the drawing of his mother.

“I’m keeping this,” he announced.

Well, at least he didn’t tear it up.

The next week, when Marinette arrived at her drawing spot, Damian was already there. With an annoyed grunt, he shoved a sketchbook and colored pencils into her hands.

Marinette looked between him and the supplies in confusion. “What’s this for?”

“Teach me how to draw.”

Marinette bit her lip, looking longingly at the colored pencils. Then, she pushed them back towards Damian.

“I want you to give me weapons training. As often as I teach you drawing.”

I may be naturally talented at combat, but the other girls have been training their entire lives. I need to catch up.

Damian eyed her suspiciously. “That’s against the rules.”

“So? Are you scared?”

“Never.”

“Then it’s a deal?”

“It’s a deal.”

.

Damian lunged, making a displeased noise when his quarry danced out of his reach.

“You’re slow today, Dami,” Marinette teased. “Losing your touch?”

Marinette was no longer the scared little girl she’d been at five, or even at seven. She’d thrown herself into her training with single-minded determination and two years of training with Talia by day and Damian by night had made her a formidable – and snarky – combatant.

“Never,” Damian replied. His next attack nearly threw her off-balance.

With a grunt, Marinette recovered her footing and countered with a flurry of blows that would have left a lesser opponent dizzy.

Damian smirked, parrying each attack easily. “Completely mediocre. Should I tell my mother that her protégé is slipping?”

Although he’d never admit it, Damian was proud of her. She’d gone from being the worst of the League’s trainees to the only one able to keep up with him in a fight.

“Me? Slipping? Not a chance.” Marinette flipped backwards, knocking his weapon away. “Hey, Damian?”

“Yes, Marinette?” He scooped up his katana, readying himself for her next move.

“The floor is lava.”

With a startled intake of air, he leaped onto the nearest table.

“Really?” he asked, half annoyed, half amused.

Marinette giggled, peering down at him from her spot in the ceiling rafters. “I thought we could use an extra challenge.”

Damian glanced up at her. “You just like having the high ground.”

“Technically speaking, it’s the high rafter,” she pointed out.

“Either way, it won’t prevent me from defeating you,” Damian said, pulling himself into the rafters.

At that moment, the door opened and they both immediately went still.

“Damian? Are you here?”

Marinette raised an eyebrow at him. “Skipping again?” she mouthed.

Damian shrugged in response.

Rolling her eyes, Marinette gestured to the vents behind him. “I’ll meet you in the lower training rooms to finish our bout.”

“Marinette!” The teacher startled as she caught a glimpse of the pigtailed girl. “What are you doing up there?”

Effortlessly, the girl swung down from the ceiling, drawing the teacher’s attention away from Damian’s hiding place.

“Just improving my arm strength, Mistress Eva.” As she distracted his teacher with false information about his whereabouts, Damian climbed into the vents.

Marinette makes a surprisingly tolerable ally.

.

It didn’t seem to matter how many people Marinette killed; it never got easier. Surrounded by the bodies of Deathstroke’s traitors, she retched.

She was alone. Somehow, in the midst of the fight, she’d gotten separated from the rest of the League’s loyalists.

I need to get moving. I’m an easy target right now.

With a shuddering breath, she climbed to her feet and made her way out of the compound and into the shadows. It was there, staring at the ruins of the League’s strongest base, that the realization hit her.

“I’m free,” Marinette whispered, tears trickling down her face.

The Head of the Demon was dead, his followers scattered.

“I can finally go home.”

She ignored the voice in her mind that said her home was here, with the League, with Damian. She ignored the tightness in her chest at the thought of never seeing Damian again. She ignored the fear that he might already be dead.

The League kidnapped me. Talia abused me. Even if I managed to be happy here, I owe the Al Ghuls nothing. A vow of loyalty made under duress is no vow at all.

Her hands curled into fists.

And if they come for me again, I’ll be ready.

.

Damian scowled as their plane descended into Gotham.

“This is imbecilic. I should be assisting you in decimating our enemies, not hiding like a frightened child.”

“Damian,” his mother’s voice was cold. “This is not up for negotiation. You will stay here and train with your father.”

“Yes, Mother,” he replied bitterly. A moment passed, then he tilted his head in thought. “But what of my betrothed? If she is to be my equal, should she not train with me?”

Talia studied him carefully. “You use the singular of betrothed,” she noted. “Despite the fact that three remain alive. I don’t suppose you’d care to tell me which one you consider your wife-to-be?”

“Tt. Your protégé, the Cheng girl, is the only one that even approaches competent. You know this.”

“I also know that you trained her separately – against my orders,” Talia said.

Damian nearly flinched. “And yet you didn’t stop me.”

“I wonder if that was a mistake,” his mother said. “You feel more for her than you should.”

“She is an effective ally. That is all.”

“Then you won’t mind being separated from her for a while.”

“Not at all, Mother,” Damian lied.

.

“Marinette? Is that you?” Her mother looked as if she’d seen a ghost.

Marinette smiled. “Hello, Mama.”

Sabine reached out a shaking hand to cup her face. “How are you here? We saw you die.”

“Sabine, do you know where – ” Tom dropped the pan of croissants. “Marinette?”

He jumped over the counter and raced to her. Marinette took a step back before her mind caught up with her body.

This is Papa, you idiot. He’s not a threat.

She threw herself into his arms, shoving away her fears.

Twisting to face her mother, she said, “I don’t know how my death was faked, but I never died. The League kidnapped me.”

Tom’s arms tightened around her.

“The League?” Sabine’s face went pale. “What did they want with you?”

“The usual,” Marinette said with a shrug. “Revenge on you for leaving and a capable assassin and potential wife for Damian if I turned out to be any good.”

“Who’s Damian?” Tom asked with a frown.

Marinette grinned. “Oh, Damian’s great! He’s the Heir to the League, but he’s actually pretty okay for an assassin. He helped me get good enough to survive. You know, after I blackmailed and bribed him.”

“What?”

.

Meeting his father did not go the way Damian had imagined.

Talia always spoke of Bruce Wayne’s great intellect, his strength in combat, his determination in all things. She never mentioned his brainless playboy act, his absurd prohibition of killing, or his habit of taking in strays. Damian wasn’t sure which one was most offensive, but he was incredibly disappointed in his father regardless.

He had to reassess after he saw Batman at work. When not purposely acting like a buffoon, Bruce Wayne was everything his mother had described and more, entirely deserving of Damian’s respect.

He set out to prove himself in his father’s eyes. It didn’t go well. Whatever he did, it was the wrong thing. In any fight with the imposter sons, Damian was punished – even if he won. Assisting his father with Wayne Enterprises was met with an eye-roll and a request to stay away from Bruce’s office.

It should have made Damian angry but instead it hurt and Damian did not understand why.

And then his father was gone. Richard Grayson became Batman.

Damian became Robin. Finally.

And yet the triumph felt hollow.

Not to mention, it came with strings attached: ‘Murder is bad.’ ‘Justice, not vengeance.’ ‘Robin doesn’t kill.’ ‘Protect rather than avenge.’

Grayson’s teachings were imbecilic. And yet he had to follow them. His mother had yet to finish with the traitors.

He wondered where Marinette was, if she was undergoing similar training, if she fought the way he did to reign in the bloodlust. Considering how she had to hide her dislike of killing, how she helped heal her competitors, he thought probably not.

Slowly, things got easier. Grayson became tolerable. Damian learned to suppress the instinct, the muscle memory that said ‘kill or be killed.’ He found an adoration for animals and learned to deal with his classmates. He finally began to understand why Grayson and his father valued life so highly. His father came back and he chose to deny the League. Wayne Manor became home.

On days when he struggled, he retreated to his room and the comfort of his sketchbook. And if a certain blue-eyed girl made an appearance every few pages, well, who would know but him?

.

Returning home did not go the way Marinette had imagined.

She knew it wouldn’t be sunshine and roses, of course. But she hadn’t expected the magnitude of the changes in her home, or in herself.

School was laughably easy. Marinette had the equivalent of several college degrees. Finding x and learning how to spell ‘earthquake’ was a waste of her time. Instead, she spent class drawing and coming up with increasingly complex plans for fighting off the League should they try to kidnap her again.

She kept herself closed off from her classmates – she didn’t know how she’d ever called them friends. They were neutral parties at best – not one ever stood up for her against Chloe. Her parents encouraged them to give her classmates a chance, but the League had trained her well. Misplaced trust could kill. And Marinette had fought long enough for survival to know that dropping your guard was a death knell.

She hated hurting her parents though.

Though they tried to hide it, she saw the pain cross their faces when she flinched away from hugs. When she moved like an assassin rather than a child. When she gave away her stuffed animals. When she skipped family game night and spent her time training.

She hated hurting her parents. So she changed.

Marinette locked away her lethal grace, faking clumsiness and turning it into an art form. She hid her weapons, training only when her parents were asleep. She returned to family game nights; she initiated hugs. At school, she became bubbly and friendly again, though she trusted no one.

More than anything, she tried to atone. She sought out those in need and tried to help – whether by providing food, babysitting, or making them warm clothing. She discovered an interest in fashion design, but mostly stuck to making the essentials for those in need. She met a tiny floating bug named Tikki and became a superhero.

On days when she struggled, she retreated to her room and the comfort of her sketchbook. And if green eyes and a cocky smirk featured prominently in the book, well, who would know but her?

.

Damian frowned as he followed his brother into Wayne Enterprises.

"I don't understand why it's so important for me to be here."

"C'mon, Baby Bird!" Dick said. "You said you wanted to be more involved in the company!"

"I meant the business side of things," Damian said. "I have no interest in showing around a gaggle of unruly teenagers."

"You're a teenager too," Dick pointed out. "It'll be fun!"

Damian sniffed. "I'm an adult. And fun, really? Surely you don't truly believe that?"

Dick sighed. "Just give it a chance, okay? They seem like really great kids."

They walked into the lobby and Damian stopped short, eyes catching on long black hair and brilliant blue eyes.

"Marinette?"

.

In truth, Marinette wasn't all that excited about the Wayne Enterprises tour. The architecture was interesting, sure, but her class had a habit of making themselves a target and Bruce Wayne's patronage was not helping.

She gave it three days, at most, before they got in trouble with Gotham's Rouges.

Which meant she was on 'keep the class from dying' duty. Joy.

She kept her eyes and ears peeled, which meant that she heard the faint whisper of her name from an unfamiliar voice.

"Marinette?"

Forest-green eyes filled with far too much emotion had her breath catching in her throat.

"Damian?"

With obvious effort, the League's Heir pulled himself together. "Fancy meeting you here, Dupain-Cheng."

His voice. Oh, kwami, it should be illegal to look AND sound that good. Nope. Nope. Not doing this. He's an assassin, get your act together, Marinette.

"Al-Ghul." She was proud that her voice betrayed nothing. "I have to admit, I'm surprised to see you here. This doesn't seem like your scene."

She reached out for a handshake and was taken off guard when Damian kissed her hand instead. She blushed.

"It's Wayne now," Damian said. "I'm... no longer associated with the Al-Ghuls. Or their business."

He's not an assassin anymore? Yes! I knew you were a good person deep, deep down, Dami!

"Really? I broke ties with them several years ago myself."

See that, Damian? We're both good people. Good people that would be great toget - no! Bad Marinette!

Damian grinned. "In that case, I look forward to reconnecting. Perhaps after the tour?"

Oh, kwami, I'm doomed.

"I'd like that."

.

"What was that?" Dick asked in a low voice. "I've never seen you open up to someone so quickly."

With difficulty, Damian tore his gaze from Marinette.

Stars, she grew up gorgeous.

Damian smirked. "Don't be ridiculous, Grayson. I met Marinette over a decade ago."

I wonder, does she still consider our betrothal valid?

"Wait, so she's an assassin?" Grayson blanched. "Who is she here to kill? Who do I have to protect? Ugh! Why can't you ever have normal friends?"

"Relax," Damian chided. "She's an ex-assassin. Like me."

"That does not make me feel better. Who is she to you?"

Damian hummed in thought, running through years of teasing, fighting, and spending time together. "She was my first friend."

And maybe now something more.

#daminette #maribat #maribat angst and fluff april