#soldier pranks

[rottenpumpkin13]

For April fools we need Sephiroth pulling pranks

Sephiroth's Prank

• April 1st is a chaotic date at Shinra HQ. Tseng has to call in multiple Turks to his office to discipline them for pranks like supergluing hair on Rude’s head, adding a dirty sock to the VP’s morning coffee, and nearly suffocating the entire board of directors to death with a stink bomb thrown in the confrence room—all three pranks were done by Reno.

• But April 1st is especially anarchic in nature on the 49th floor. 

• Director Lazard is quite literally trembling in fear as he steps off the elevator early in the morning. 

*Zack intercepts him, stepping out from behind the corner with a grin*

*Lazard screams*

Zack: Good morning, director? Care for a peanut?

*Zack extends a can of peanuts his way*

Lazard: …..Really? A can of colorful worms? I expected more from you.

*He opens the can*

Lazard: I’m pleased that you’re not taking advantage of the date to—-

*The can explodes in his hand, shooting smoke and blue powder all over Lazard’s face*

Lazard:

Zack: I am always two steps ahead. 

Lazard: 

*Zack begins to slink back into the shadows*

Zack: Two steps. Ahead. 

Lazard: 

• Meanwhile, Genesis walks into Angeal’s office where he and Sephiroth are. He sets their coffees down on the desk. 

Genesis: Here’s your coffee. 

*Angeal and Sephiroth pick them up and take sips, Angeal promptly spits his out*

Angeal: EW. DID YOU PUT SALT IN THIS?

Genesis: I’m a mastermind. Happy April fools! 

*Sephiroth continues to drink the coffee*

Angeal: Sephiroth how the fuck are you drinking that???

Sephiroth: Oh, I ordered a salted caramel macchiato. I thought they overdid it. 

*Genesis smugly takes out his copy of Loveless. He tries to flip it open but is unsuccessful. It’s superglued shut*

Genesis: What the—?

*Angeal starts laughing*

Genesis: Ha-ha. Real funny. 

*Genesis tries to put the book down on the desk but it sticks to his hand*

*Angeal laughs harder*

Sephiroth: I don’t see the appeal of April Fools'. It’s just a day where the implications of the date allow people to hurt others with childish pranks. 

Genesis: While I adore you as a friend, Sephiroth, I don’t expect you to understand April Fools'. It’s a fun holiday, for fun people to do fun things. Your boring, stick-in-the-mud personality doesn’t quite fit the requirements. 

*Sephiroth puts his coffee down*

Sephiroth: I’m offended. 

Angeal: What Genesis means is that you’re not really the pranking type, and that’s okay. Lots of people don’t have what it takes to pull pranks. 

Sephiroth: You’re insinuating that I’m incapable of pranking people?

Genesis: Darling, we’re saying it to your face.

*Angeal gets an Email from Lazard—“SUBJECT: HELP, EMAIL: GET ZACK OUT OF MY OFFICE HE HAS A FLAMETHROWER” *

Angeal: I gotta go. Gen, don’t you have materia class with the Thirds in ten minutes?

Genesis: I do. See you, Sephiroth. Don’t let the April fool hit you on your way out!

• They leave the office. Sephiroth sits there with his arms crossed, looking more sour than his coffee. And then he veers sly eyes unto Angeal’s laptop and the printer sitting on the desk. 

Sephiroth: Hmm. 

• A few hours later, Genesis finds himself on his merry way to Sephiroth’s office to grab Sephiroth’s tablet for him. On his way there he passes by Zack (dressed as an evil clown) hiding behind a corner as Lazard approaches (breathing with a paper bag).

• Genesis grabs Sephiroth’s tablet off his desk, but then his eyes fall onto a curious document laying there. He, being the nosy bitch he is, picks it up and behigs flipping through it. His eyes widen, eyebrows creeping higher and higher toward his hairline as he reads. And then he runs out, panicking. 

• He passes by Zack again, this time being disciplined by Lazard, who’s sobbing and beating Zack with his own squeaky mallet. 

*Genesis grabs Angeal and pulls him aside*

Genesis: YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT I FOUND.

*He shoves the document in Angeal’s hands*

Angeal: What’s this?

Genesis, hyperventilating: It’s a classified report from Professor Hojo detailing the extent of Sephiroth’s condition. 

Angeal: His…condition?

Genesis: HE’S PART CAT. 

Angeal:

Genesis:

Angeal: 

Genesis: I’M SERIOUS.

Angeal: Seriously in need of medication. 

Genesis: READ IT. 

*Angeal sighs and begins to flip through the papers*

Angeal: 

Angeal:

Angeal: OH MY GOD. 

Genesis: I KNOW.

Angeal: HE’S HALF CAT? LIKE ACTUALLY HALF CAT. 

Genesis: It makes perfect sense! I don’t know how we didn’t see this sooner! His weird eyes, his fangs, the way he consumes 150 pieces of sushi in 10 minutes. HELL, THAT’S WHY HE LOVES THE BEACH. IT’S A GIANT LITTER BOX. 

Angeal: Gen, calm down. For his sake, we can’t freak out.

Genesis: Why didn’t he tell us!?

Angeal: Probably out of fear we’d have the same reaction you’re having right now. Oh, that poor thing. He must be so embarassed, so lonely with no one to tell him that he’s special as he is. *Angeal begins to tear up* Or to give him head pats. 

Genesis: What do we do now?? How are we supposed to act normally around him knowing he probably PURRS WHEN HE'S HAPPY??

Angeal: I DON’T KNOW! But We have to try! For his sake, we have to be as supportive and accommodating as possible.

Genesis: You’re right.

Angeal: And help him through this without letting him know that we know. 

Genesis: You’re right.

Angeal: And be there for him tonight on the full moon when he fully turns into a cat.

Genesis: You’re righ—WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

Angeal: DID YOU NOT READ THE FINE PRINT?

Genesis: NO!?

*Genesis snatches the report from him and reads through it again*

Genesis: OH GODDESS HE’S A WEREKITTY

Angeal: THIS IS SICK. HOW COULD HOJO DO THIS TO HIM??

Genesis: NO WONDER HE LIKES CATNIP TEA SO MUCH. THAT BASTARD’S BEEN GETTING HIGH OFF HIS KITTY MIND THIS WHOLE TIME.

*There’s a noise from the cabinet beside them, they turn and see Sephiroth crawling out from under it*

Sephiroth: Hello, gentlemen. 

*Angeal immediately starts sobbing* 

• Later in the day, Genesis is working in his office. Sephiroth sits on the opposite chair playing with a ball of yarn Genesis provided him with.

*Sephiroth sees the glass of water near Genesis. He slowly reaches for it*

Genesis:

*Sephiroth knocks it over*

Genesis:

*sephiroth throws the glass against the wall*

Genesis:

Sephiroth: That was enriching. 

• Even later, Angeal finds Sephiroth kneading a couch cushion in the break room. 

Angeal: 💡

*Angeal takes out a bowl of bread dough from the fridge*

Angeal: For you!

Sephiroth: Thank you, but I prefer the sensation of fabric to that of bread.

*Sephiroth starts chewing the blanket*

Angeal:

Sephiroth: Meow.

• Much later, Genesis enters the materia room and sees Sephiroth perched on a shelf, reading.

Genesis: H-How did you get up there?

*Sephiroth hisses*

Genesis: !?

• And then Angeal enters his office and finds his leather couch completely torn up. Sephiroth sits in a corner, playing with a piece of the foam.

Sephiroth: You’re not mad, are you?

Angeal, tearing up: Of course not! You poor, sweet thing! Would you like me to bring you Genesis’ leather coats for you to play with?

Sephiroth: That would be delightful. 

Angeal: I’m on it!

• Sephiroth, Genesis and Angeal walk into the SOLDIER mess hall and see Kunsel and a group of Thirds playing with a laser pointer. 

Kunsel: Hey guys! Check out my new laser pointer! 

*Kunsel aims it at the wall. Sephiroth’s pupils dilate*

Angeal: NO

Genesis: GRAB HIM

*They tackle Sephiroth to the ground*

• Finally evening comes. Angeal and Genesis lay on the couch in the lounge, both of them exhausted after a long day of dealing with Sephiroth. And then an adorable, gray cat walks in.

Cat: Meow.

Angeal: OH MY GOD! SEPHIROTH!

Genesis: HAS IT HAPPENED ALREADY? HAVE YOU TURNED INTO A CAT!?

*They rush to pick up the cat and immediately start coddling it*

Angeal, sobbing: YOU POOR THING. IS THIS WHAT YOU DEAL WITH EVERY FULL MOON?

Genesis: HE’S SO CUTE! ANGEAL! WE HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM!

Angeal: DON’T WORRY BUDDY! WE’LL PROTECT YOU FROM NOW ON!

*Zack walks in, shirtless, covered in war paint, carrying a shovel*

Zack: The lizard man has banned animals from the 49th floor. 

Angeal: What? Why?

Zack: Because I filled his office with 30 angry chocobos, so now he has guards with tranquilizer guns stationed everywhere. Any animal they see, they shoot and take to the pound.

Genesis: WHAT? Oh no…not good!

Zack: Hey, cute cat! 

Angeal: IT’S SEPHIROTH. 

Zack: Is it? Cool!

Genesis: I know it will be hard to believe, but Sephiroth is half-human, half-cat, and every full moon he turns into a cat! This is him!

Zack: No, no. I believe you.

Angeal: Just like that!?

Zack: Yeah, I mean, I kinda already knew. I’m part of the Sephiroth-is-actually-a-cat conspiracy theory club.

Genesis: the WHAT?

*Zack walks over to a painting on the wall and removes it. Behind it is a white board filled with pictures of Sephiroth, cats and anecdotes*

Angeal: .......

Genesis: .......

Zack: We have an email list and everything. 

Angeal: .......

Genesis: .......

Zack: Back to Sephiroth being a cat. We have to get him out of here before Lazard or the guards see him!

Angeal: I know! Come on, if we’re quiet, we can sneak him up to my place. 

*They walk towards the door, but then Lazard appears with four guards with tranqulizer guns*

Lazard: A-HA! I KNEW IT! I KNEW I HEARD A CAT IN HERE!

Angeal: Director, wait, we can explain! This isn’t just any cat, it’s Sephiroth!

Genesis: He turns into a cat every full moon!

Angeal: He’s innocent! He just wants to knead blankets and nap and scratch up Genesis’s expensive leather coats!

Genesis: Yeah, he—WHAT? 

Angeal, sobbing: You can’t take him away! He may be a cat, but he’s still our best friend! He can’t be taken to the pound! He doesn’t deserve this! 

Genesis: If you want to take cat Sephiroth away, you’ll have to get through me! 

Angeal: And me!

Zack: And me too!

Lazard:

Lazard: What drugs did you three take?

(simultaneously)

Angeal: WE’RE NOT HIGH

Genesis: WE’RE TELLING THE TRUTH

Zack: The doctor said it would help.

*Everyone turns to look at him*

Zack:

Zack: SEPHIROTH IS A CAT. 

Angeal: WE’RE TELLING THE TRUTH!

Genesis: DON’T HURT HIM! 

Lazard: You know what? I’ve heard enough. *He turns to the guards* Take the cat.

*The guards aim at the cat in Angeal’s arms, everyone starts screaming, the guards shoot—And then Zack jumps in front of the cat, taking the tranquilizer dart for it*

Angeal: ZACK!

Genesis: ARE YOU OKAY?

*The cat jumps from Angeal’s arm and runs out the door*

Angeal: WAIT, SEPHIROTH!

Genesis: COME BACK!

• That’s when Sephiroth (the real one) appears in the doorway. He whisks the cat off the floor and starts petting it in his arms. Everyone’s jaw is on the floor—except for Zack, who’s whole body is on the floor. 

Angeal: Sephiroth….you’re not the cat?

Sephiroth: Never was, never have been.

Genesis: You mean you’re not half-cat?? YOU TRICKED US?

Sephiroth: Tell me, what does eating your own words taste like? I wouldn’t know the sensation. 

#storytime #soldier pranks #ff7 #ffvii #final fantasy 7 #sephiroth #final fantasy vii #ffvii crisis core #genesis rhapsodos #ff7 crisis core #angeal hewley #crisis core #lazard deusericus #zack fair

[iamthealpha]

NOT MINE FOUND IT ON PINTEREST

#stucky #romanogers #sam wilson #natasha romanoff #bucky #barnes #winter soldier #black widow #captain america #the falcon #avengers #civil war #prank

[altocat]

how would sephi have been like if glenn had stayed with him all his life

Sephiroth would have likely grown into someone a bit more open and social. He'd always be slightly reserved and aloof, but Glenn would be around to push him into interacting with people more, as well as trusting them.

Speaking of trust, the security of Glenn's continued support would have actually been extremely healthy for Seph in the long run. Whenever he's at his emotional limit, he knows he can rely on Glenn to be there for him. He doesn't have to be paranoid or too hard on himself. Glenn is always there. Always.

Sephiroth likely would have deserted Shinra a lot earlier. Since Glenn has taught him to be more compassionate, the added years have given him more time to reassess his beliefs and sense of purpose. And he's fully decided that his purpose is to be wherever Glenn is, to fight at his side as equals.

And as family.

#asks #ff7 #final fantasy 7 #ffvii #sephcanons #sephiroth #glenn lodbrok #first soldier #ffvii first soldier #AU #your april fool's prank from me is today I will be wholesome and unrealistically optimistic #........just know that none of this fluffy rainbow sunshine mush doesn't happen in canon lmao

[real-bucky-barnes]

Today, Sam decided it would be very funny to replace all of the lightbulbs in my house with images of himself. He decided it was no longer funny when I sent him a photo of all of them on fire in my backyard with the caption “Let there be light.”

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes rp #marvel #mcu #winter soldier #prank #sam wilson #the falcon #captain america

[ancpikachu]

Random Levi Headcanon!

(I got this idea from watching a random prank TikTok xD)

- [ ] Levi is a clean freak right? Now what if I told you…………he has a weak stomach?

- [ ] I’m talking about dry heaving over blood, guts, boogers, spit, vomit, bad smells, etc!

- [ ] You know how cats hack up hair balls? He’d kind of look like that 🤣

- [ ] The facial expressions!!! The facial expressions!!

- [ ] He’d make all kinds of goofy faces!!!! If only they had cameras back then!

- [ ] And it is SOOOOO funny!! Stoic Levi gagging over small things when he can chop up titans! (I’ll be coming back to this later!!)

- [ ] Whenever it’s cleaning day he makes the cadets clean the bathroom, dishes, laundry, stables, etc anything that Levi will not handle very well. Plus he can make them clean whatever since he’s the captain 😎

- [ ] His cadets have even pranked him with old meat/fish before. Sneaking into his office and leaving it on his desk (It was Connie’s idea!)

- [ ] Once he walks in POOF 💨 that wave of rotten meat smell hits him and he’s hunched over HEAVING while the cadets try not to give away their hiding spaces from laughing (Hange was in on it too! 🤣)

- [ ] Even Mikasa would get a laugh out of it!

- [ ] He’ll be so mad because the smell lingers in his office for DAYS

- [ ] Levi would avoid the office until it has been torn apart and deep cleaned piece by tiny piece

- [ ] Whenever Levi finds out who put the rotten meat there (put that thing back where it came from or so help me!!) they’re taking laps around camp for the rest of the month, bonked in the head with a mop, and put on cleaning duty! They’d clean his office everyday!

- [ ] It’s a risky prank but it is so worth it hehehe 😈

-[ ] Did I mention he’d probably be afraid of skunks, C H I L D R E N, flies, shield bugs, roaches, rats, and mice? If the cadets get their hands on any of those animals Levi’s out the door! 🚪 🏃‍♂️ 💨

- [ ] Now, whenever Levi has a task at hand or whenever he is put in danger that gag reflex completely vanishes. He follows his orders!

- [ ] Erwin tries his best not to put him in grody situations, but if he needs to then what’s done is done

- [ ] That’s how Levi can put up with killing titans, and fight because he’s Humanity’s Strongest after all! It’s work

- [ ] Whenever there is nothing life threatening happening THEN he’ll hunch over and hack up a lung over something disgusting

Anyways just something I thought would be really funny xD I’m so evil heheheheheh Sorry Levi!

#levi ackerman #attack on Titan #aot #snk #levi headcanons #head canons #anime #silly #funny #I’m evil #mwahahahaha #my crushes #weak stomach #goofy head canons #this fandom needs more humor #laugh it’s funny! #humanity’s strongest soldier #cute #pranks

[jrueships]

Sauce putting a dramatic zoom-in of his and Ja'Marr's little slap fight in the trailer for his documentary is so funny to me. Also do you think he actually has permission to use all these NFL clips on his youtube channel that he monetizes? Would love to see him get sued, great publicity strategy for the doc 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍

society when sauce finally gets sued for being a sinister sauce evader and has to sell his stupid beanie for survival

#new sauce video: I GOT S U E D 😱😱⁉️⁉️⁉️ #CLICK THE VIDEO TO FIND OUT!!!!!!! (I CANT BELIEVE THIS HAPPENEDUH!!! 🔥💯🤘🏾🤘🏾🤘🏾) #thumbnail is him in a cardboard box outside jamarrs doorstep like an abandoned kitten but it's not an edit it's actually real #ja'marr opens the door and attacks him with a firehorse like that cardboard box baby at a firehouse prank #it happens right at the end and sauce ends it without doing his gay little youtuber sign off #u scroll down in the comments and see him yelling at his own video abt the editor not cutting the end like he promised #sauce would take it down but it's also his most popular video and hes a sl*tty little sauce for attention #especially bad attention (he is ill) (he is a pillowbiter) (he disgusts m #so he lets it live... for now #this great success later encourages him to post jamarr digging him out afterwards since sauce looked so soggy and pathetic #but he gets sued again for the macklemore s*xtape playlist #insane how his editor was just like 'ok sure lets give a dramatic tilt and zoom to this little gay moment to make it seem cool' #sauce probably thought it was so tuff.. he fantasizes abt it in his jets styled airplane bed #marvel avengers endgame style climax when it's literally just a slapfight #he gets sued for that too btw #hes not allowed to even daydream on capitalism's watch 😭 #sauce #ted asks #hes so. wow. im so glad i have so many great soldiers in the sauce army to report on his sufferings #i Love It #thank u 🥰🥰🥰

[deputygonebye]

On his high school football team, Shane was a defensive back, #22. His coach was always impressed with his ability to tackle and quickly cover receivers. Sometimes he wishes he had kept up with playing in college and gone pro thereafter. He had his old jersey framed and hanging at his and Jean's old place, but once the Outbreak began, that was left in ruins, too. He has no idea what's become of that old jersey. Shane's never returned to his old home.

#Heart of A Soldier || Headcanon #// Shane was definitely a jock type but a nice jock #// Pulled pranks and tried to be a friend to everybody #// Never shoved a kid into a locker or anything #// Least those who didn't deserve it LOL

[coollyinterferes]

Covers every bar of soap with clear nail polish in his uncle's home. <3 April Fools - Joseph

unprompted asks: April Fool’s Edition™ 【no longer accepting】 @gazelessmenagerie

Normally, spilled ink wouldn't be much of an issue, whether he was working in his office at the Foundation or in his home's office. It was never really much of a big deal. Firstly, because that kind of small accidents weren't common for him. And, whenever they did happen, they were usually small enough that it would only take a trip to the bathroom to wash his hands to prevent himself from making a bigger mess with the ink, the ruined paper then would go into the trash bin if it couldn't be saved, and that was pretty much it.

Keyword here being 'normally'...

Today seemed to be a similar case to one of those previous and sparse ones overall. He was taking some notes, scribbling a few things down on a paper sheet that contained some general information about a future project that was still in the planning stage. It was at some point through that that his fountain pen decided it'd had enough for the day and an inky mess ensued. Small, but a mess nonetheless. Oh, well, at least this would make a good excuse to take a small break...

The old man got into the bathroom and proceeded to wash his hands. Or, more like try to, with unsuccessful results. The reason? There seemed to be something odd with the soap bar. No matter how much he rubbed the damn thing, it just... wouldn't lather at all. He decided to try with another one. Careful not to leave any ink imprints on the cabinet, he drew a new soap bar.

Tried again. Failed again.

Weird, but it was not the end of the world. Another soap bar was pulled. Same result. Perhaps it was all due to some defective batch? Maybe he'd have better luck trying with those soaps in one of the other bathrooms, he thought, not without wincing at the sight of the now ink stained sink.

Putting the thought aside for now, he went to a different bathroom, tried with a different soap. And then another. And another, but the result was always the same.

At some point, out of nowhere, realization hit him...

It was April Fools Day....

And, while he wasn't too sure about what exactly was going on... this whole thing somehow had Joseph's trademark all over it now that he was giving it a second thought.

That kid.... Good Heavens....

Fortunately for a now irritated Robert, his hands being wet kept him from rubbing his temples or he'd be dealing with an even bigger issue right now than just trying to find a soap that hadn't been terrorized by Jojo so he could get himself cleaned.

On the bright side........ At least this time there was no gelatin involved...

#[small throwback to last april fools when joseph put all of speebs' office stuff in gelatin] #[fdgfhgfghgjhjhk] #[first jona. and now it's speebs' turn to get pranked.... again gfGhgJKJ] #[massive kudos to joseph and his determination on being a little menace lol] #[it gives me life every single time i swear] #gazelessmenagerie #;answered #;speedwagon answers (( asks )) #[there's that part in BT where joseph is disguised as a soldier and speebs can instantly recognize him bc of his shenanigans...] #[and i'm 100% sure it's because of stuff like this that he was able to recognize him there lol]

[cheemscakecat]

Fun/Interesting details in Expiration Date

Heavy knows that Pauling is calling them, and lets Scout be the one to answer. Also, road safety because he’s not distracted driving.

Medic is so hyped about tumor bread.

Hoovy smelling the sandwich and deciding it’s safe to eat [or that it doesn’t matter at this point].

Pyro standing like that. He don’t know what’s going on, but he’ll still be polite. Also, Sniper just chillin in the back with a poker face the whole time.

Medic smiles at Soldier as they walk past. Engineer’s got that Conhager death-cheating focus at the moment.

Spy’s eyes widen angrily when he realizes it’s Scout at the door and then he smirks like; “Oh hi! Twelve hours was enough time for you to get bored of my absence, then?”, not expecting a sincere apology [maybe one orchestrated by the other teammates, but not Scout].

There was some vitriol behind that “***”, look at his nose. He does not want Scout to gloat, try to prank him again, or give a fake apology. And that’s valid, since the team dying is something Scout should have taken seriously, and the last wishes handled with respect. He crossed a line that Spy doesn’t take lightly.

Dad, I threwed up. But in all seriousness, that’s the “My family is dysfunctional, and I don’t know how to be emotionally honest with people” posture.

See my bucket scene analysis for more on these two.

He didn’t say “You’re terrible with girls” in a snide or smug tone, he said it with like actual parental concern. “Scout, no you have three days! Do you want to die rejected or die before you can enjoy being together? No. Don’t do this to yourself.”

Look at that cup, he did not need a refill. This fake smirk and disinterest is Spy’s way of checking how serious Scout is about this last wish and taking his advice. And when he goes “This never leaves this room” Spy perks up.

Medic was taking a sample of bread tumor puss [or injecting it with something].

They have a whole entire wrestling ring, how did I never notice that?

This is one of those multiple choice questions where you can choose more than one answer and have it be right. But the chicken in combination with the other options looses you points, and just taking the chicken is like the token wrong answer.

Spy sighs when he realizes Scout chose just the chicken. Like chile, I gave you multiple options and you still went with your go-to that doesn’t work!

This room has a gym floor, which implies Spy took a bunch of fancy stuff from one of his rooms just for this date training. Also shoutout to the other teammates for helping with this.

Okay, so most of these decorations came from Pyro, who Scout is terrified of. Archimedes came from Medic, who Scout also doesn’t want to make angry, and the grass cutouts are potentially part of the base camouflage. But that disco ball? That belongs to Scout, he just doesn't want anyone to know he’s real into that. [The team would not judge, but his brothers would, so.]

Man when he gets his heart broken, I hope he finds the right girl for him. He deserves better than Pauling always making excuses to turn him down instead of telling him like it is.

Foreshadowing Solly being romantical towards Zhanna. Look at this content man.

Spy holding his knife like this. There’s no reason for it to be a threat, so he’s just genuinely in the habit of doing this while listening. Or while nervous, which also makes sense.

#tf2 #dadspy #character analysis #expiration date #tf2 scout #tf2 spy

[ohmygraves]

it started off as a prank.

soap and gaz were fooling around, really. nothing too serious, not expecting much from it. hell, the account was in soap's phone. ghost didn't even know anything about it.

the two created a tinder account for the lieutenant, just to see what kind of people would be so inclined to message a masked man like him.

photos were taken candidly, most of it from soap's own stash (don't ask). something more serious was cropped from group pictures, from either the bar or during a mission. gaz thought of the introduction, with little embellishments to make it more ridiculous. the goal was to see how many would swipe right to the scary, masked lieutenant.

of course, the sergeants were surprised to see so many match notifications, to the point that soap's phone would just erupt with notification sounds, even during briefings. safe to say, the poor scot got in trouble, and ended up turning off the notification for the app.

most of the matches seems to be coming from a place of lust, a lot of requests of one night stands or fuck buddies (what is it with people who liked masked men, the two thought). many seemed very forward and to the point with what they wanted. it was ridiculous trying to scroll through the first messages and reading them one by one.

but then there's you.

you: hello, i feel like i've seen you before. are you staying at the base near (location)?

soap and gaz thought your first message was interesting. it could be that you knew the lieutenant somewhere, or had seen him at least once. you seem to be a real person too, judging from your profile. photos of you indicated as such.

gaz wanted to call it quits, ghosts you just like every other match that they received, but soap wanted to take it a step further, even if gaz was completely against the idea. bickering for a while, soap ended up sending a text, and that's how you started talking to "ghost".

ghost: yeah. do i know you from somewhere?

soap had expected it to be a flirting attempt, though he was surprised to see an actual answer.

you: oh, i think i've seen you a few times outside of the base.

you: i frequent the café nearby ^^

oh, you're so cute and innocent, soap kinda felt bad for lying now.

ghost: i see

ghost: perhaps i'll see you sometime too? ;)

soap got addicted to posing as ghost. the two of you texted back and forth during his break, sometimes even at night. soap stayed up and missed some sleep just for some elaborate joke that kept going and going, and gaz was just tuning into the drama too.

everything was fun at first, not everyday the scot got to roleplay as the lieutenant, especially since the man was such a dry texter. it was funny trying to come up with an awkward reply or even just flat messages when talking to you. you were just so nice and oblivious to it though.

soap nearly lost his marbles when you asked to meet up in the cafe near the base, and asked when it was possible. you knew that soldiers frequently are given a leave, so perhaps "ghost" would love to meet you when he had the time. the scot was sure that he went too far this time, earning "i told you so" look from gaz even when he's clearly also enjoying the shenanigans.

they decided that it's finally time to come clean to the man in question.

ghost, of course, was furious. not only that this was a violation of privacy, soap and gaz had wasted a random person's time because of some elaborate joke that went too far. now they even want to meet with him too.

soap thought that the only way to fix this was just to inform you as well. it was only fair as you're also affected by this. hell, he didn't even know that his "casual" flirting (which was a loose term considering ghost's texting habits that soap adapted for this roleplay) would be enjoyed by someone, even getting the lieutenant a date too. the scot insisted that you two still meet anyway, and that he would be there too to apologize.

ghost, of course, was definitely against it. he had been dragged into this against his will, and it's not like he had the time too. why would he entertain the two sergeants who got him into this mess—

but perhaps just a cup of tea with a beautiful person like you would be nice... perhaps...

reluctantly, ghost agreed to the date, letting soap talk to you to set up a time and place. while looking at your pictures and the past conversations, he didn't seem to mind that he's now on some sort of a blind date...

#this was so long but such an elaborate way to write that you somehow scored a date with ghost because of soap and gaz #perhaps ill write more abt this idea #call of duty #call of duty modern warfare #cod #call of duty headcanon #simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley x reader #cod ghost x reader #cod headcanon #fake tinder profile au

[rottenpumpkin13]

Ok, one of those amazing prank shenanigans but it’s the Firsts and Zack, but they are all pulling an elaborate prank on Hojo for Seph’s birthday <3

The "Sephiroth's Wedding" Prank

Lazard is sitting at his desk while Sephiroth dials up Hojo's phone number for him. Angeal, Genesis and Zack are all standing around, watching as the phone starts ringing. Lazard presses it to his ear and waits for Hojo to pick up. On the fifth ring, the professor's grating voice answers.

Hojo: Professor Hojo speaking.

Lazard: Good evening, this is James from Bloomwood Event Planning. I'm calling on behalf of Sephiroth to confirm your presence at the wedding next weekend.

*There's a pause, Sephiroth has to slap his hand over his mouth to contain his snort*

Hojo: I beg your pardon? What are you on about, you imbecile? How dare you disturb me while I am working.

Lazard: You heard me correctly, sir. You were sent an invitation a month ago, and I'm calling to confirm your invite.

Hojo: My invite to what?

Lazard: Sephiroth's wedding, of course.

*There's another long pause. Zack has to leave Lazard's side so that he doesn't make any noise*

Hojo: Clearly there has been a mistake. There is no possibility that Sephiroth would ever waste his time on marriage, let alone copulate and breed with another being without my expressed approval.

Lazard: Am I to understand that you won't be in attendance? Is that what I should tell the couple?

Hojo: What couple?

Lazard: Ah, forgive me. The correct term is polycule.

Hojo:

*There's another incredibly long pause, Genesis is quietly laughing while Angeal shushes him*

Lazard: Sir? Sir, are you still there?

Hojo: Which individuals are involved in this⏤in this⏤filth?

Lazard: Why, Sephiroth is set to marry Genesis Rhapsodos and Angeal Hewley, of course.

Hojo:

Lazard: They're a very happy trio⏤

Hojo: How could he do this to me?

Lazard: Sir⏤

Hojo: His apparent attraction towards the same sex is useless on its own, but Hollander's brats!?

Lazard: Professor⏤

Hojo: It was the visibly homosexual one with the red coat who coerced him, wasn't it?

*Genesis sinks and curls into a ball on the floor, Sephiroth is in tears as he covers his mouth, Angeal is in the corner laughing, and Zack is grinning as he listens intently*

Lazard: I can assure you that they are very much in love, Professor. I'm fortunate enough o have gained their trust, making me privy to the extent of their dynamic.

*Sephiroth is quickly writing it all down for Lazard to read*

Hojo: You don't say.

Lazard: Yes, Angeal claims that Sephiroth is a very obedient and perfectly submissive partner.

Hojo: WHAT?

Lazard: He and Genesis take very good care of him. The last time they swung by my office to discuss some last-minute details, Sephiroth was on a leash.

Hojo:

Lazard: Sir, are you there?

Hojo: I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK.

*Genesis, still on the ground, grabs Sephiroth's leg and makes Sephiroth lose it. He crouches to the ground too, laughing under the desk*

Lazard: Do you need me to call for emergency services?

Hojo: THIS ISN'T HIM. SUCH A POSITION IS BENEATH HIM. I DID NOT MAKE HIM TO TAKE ON SUCH AN APPALLING ROLE.

Lazard: No, no, I'm positive that it was him. They were here with their son.

Hojo: THEIR WHAT? WHO? THEY HAVE A CHILD? HOW?

*Zack starts frantically pointing at himself*

Lazard: Oh, you haven't heard? They formally adopted Angeal's mentee, Zack, and are now his parents.

*There's a loud sound of something falling from the other end, along with a commotion as multiple voices of lab technicians start speaking at the same time*

Lazard: Professor? Professor Hojo?

*The line goes dead*

Sephiroth: I think we killed him.

#ff7 #ffvii #final fantasy 7 #sephiroth #ffvii crisis core #final fantasy vii #genesis rhapsodos #ff7 crisis core #angeal hewley #zack fair #lazard deusericus #soldier pranks

[mellowwillowy]

TWST x Self-aware Yan Cannibal AU Ft: Unhinged GN Reader

𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬𝐥𝐚𝐛𝐲𝐮𝐥

Unbirthday party has always been a merry occasion for 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬𝐥𝐚𝐛𝐲𝐮𝐥. Not only does he get to eat the strawberry tarts, but he also gets to have Trey's meat pie specialty.

Pigs who dared to enrage the tyrant by upsetting you, the law, are sent to the kitchen for the butcher and baker to process into something edible.

The card soldiers cheer in joy and anxiety, pleased to be able to taste the main course yet sweating over the idea of screwing up and ending up on the silver platter.

Yet part of them does not really mind if it's meant that they will be devoured by you, the law, their grace. Ace and Deuce have always irked Riddle but the sight of you smiling along with their pranks and mischiefs save them from the trouble they are about to face.

Cater will always upload it on magicam, boasting the sight of you enjoying your stay in 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬𝐥𝐚𝐛𝐲𝐮𝐥 as you nibble on the tart. Baked and minced to your favorite, as usual. Trey and Cater sure know their way around this, memorizing how you like it by heart.

--

"Looks like you two are having a hard time cleaning the guillotine huh?" You stopped in front of the guillotine, watching the other students along with the ADeuce duo wiping the blade that had severed yet another pig for you to feast on soon.

"Uh yeah, troublesome as always, I hate having this bloody mess all over my hands." Deuce furrowed his eyebrows, waving his hands for you to see. Ace immediately elbowed Deuce, "Dude, you are splattering the blood all over me!"

You chuckled at the duo before turning back your focus on Riddle and his chaperones, "I assure you, those blood does taste good too if you know your way around it."

Trey and Cater raised their eyebrows and glanced at each other, seemingly knowing what they would present for you at the next Unbirthday party.

"Is that so? Then I'll make sure to have your Grace have a taste of it at our next tea party."

𝐒𝐚𝐯𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐰

It's only natural to see the beasts ripping the guts out of the prey with their bare fangs. 𝐒𝐚𝐯𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐰 surely offers an entirely different vibe when it comes to banquets.

Until Leona signals them, the beasts are nothing but starving predators, ready to shred the prey into minced meat. But Leona is nothing but a calm and obedient beast when it comes to you, eagerly waiting for you to give him the accord.

One tilt of your head and a nod is all it takes for Leona to snap his fingers, the chosen beasts leaping toward the prey eagerly as their claws and fangs tore them apart.

Jack was the fiercest among the others, even more than his seniors. For someone who held an upright moral integrity, he had it revolved around you and all sense of justice had been laid onto the tip of your tongue.

Ruggie on the other hand only watched in amusement next to Leona, waiting for the next batch of captured prey to be feasted by him. He would not cut line and steal a bite of what's not given to him from you, oh nooo, he was a patient hyena.

Leona cocked his head to you, eyes focused on you while waiting for you to lock your eyes with his, "Should I grab one for you to eat too, your Grace?"

𝐎𝐜𝐭𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐞

Mostro Lounge has always offered the best dining experience. It is not to be doubted again that 𝐎𝐜𝐭𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐞 is most definitely going to serve you the finest meal, personally handled and cooked by the Tweels.

And of course, those who fail to fulfill the terms of Azul's contract have to feel how the merfolks gut them, spilling their whole innards all over as they choose which part is considered the most delectable for you.

From the sophisticated look of the beverage, tinted dark red yet a hue of purple could be seen, giving it a pleasingly aesthetic look for you to fawn over before you drink it down.

On the silver platter was a heart, decorated with things you had no idea about but you had seen back in your world. Fancy diners always do that, you thought to yourself.

"Only the best part for your Grace." Jade bowed down as he adjusted the plate and utensils. Floyd was grinning from ear to ear as he dusted the sugar cube into your drink, "And something refreshingly sweet for ya' highness!"

You gave them a curt nod before slicing it, Floyd kneeling down next to you while his face rested on your chair's armrest, eyes glimmering in excitement as he waited for your feedback. Jade might not show it in his face but even you could notice how his feet tapped against the carpeted tile, something you'd never see from someone who could stand still for hours without moving like an inanimate object.

You gave them an approving nod and smile as you took a sip from the drink Floyd personally went over length to make for you, "Satisfactory as usual."

A pair of hands clasped on your shoulders from behind, Azul cooed right into your ear "But your Grace, surely it can go beyond that no? We'll make sure of that the next time you choose to feast here."

𝐒𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐚

Banquet has always been something that is always happening due to Kalim's nature and Jamil has never really found any joy from it.

But all that changes if the banquet is thrown for you. Oh, how the viper ensures himself to go beyond length in preparing the dishes. With Kalim's endless riches, he can use all sorts of ingredients one would never be able to obtain without spending a fortune for their rarity. Only the freshest and best ingredients are allowed to be used for your meal and so are the living meat of the students.

Everything must be set to a T. Kalim may not be a tyrant but when it comes to you? He's unconsciously pointing his fingers and brows scrunched at anything that is not abided by perfection. The lamps are not hung at the right angle, the pillows have not been changed into new pillows and the animals must be paraded in order and not roam like wild beasts. Anyone who just ever makes the slightest mistake will be sent straight to the kitchen as an ingredient. Had it not been for Jamil's suggestion to send them all bruiseless, they would have been beaten until they were nothing but pulp.

You were taking in the sight of the parade, everything was as amusing as you had always remembered. But the true highlight lay in Jamil's cooking, if you have to pinpoint the best cook in this twisted wonderland then it had to be Jamil. Unlike the finery of Mostro Longue, Jamil's cooking had a different feel to it. It was not as aesthetic yet it did not change the fact that it still looked pleasantly delicious. If Mostro Lounge accounted for the positioning of the food in a numerical and angle way, Jamil offered everything in a neat bulk. Curry, prata, shawarma, and all. Its display screamed for people to grab one yet no one dared to unless you ordered them to do so.

You cocked your head toward Kalim who was sitting right next to you, eyes glimmering in adoration as he drunk in your expression. Oh, would you finally like to have a bite? He held one of the shawarma out toward you with an empty plate in his other hand.

Jamil had ensured that there were 2 different platters, one for you which was made from the best ingredients and seasonings, while the other was less if compared to yours but still delicious nonetheless. One was made from meat and blood that had been considered the best while the other was made from those that failed to pass through the requirements.

You took a bite from his hand, savoring the taste of Jamil's hard work while enjoying the show of Kalim's tyranny. Truly, you love being able to taint your beloved sunshine.

"Say say, are you enjoying it all, your Grace? Not even a beat of music missed and all the food that sprawled across the room is ensured to be of the best quality." Kalim brought a goblet onto you and you held it in your hand. He gave you another grin that was just as blinding as the sun, his finger beckoned Jamil to pour you the carmine drink, squeezed from their cries of agony and pain before they were minced.

"But of course, your Grace has no need to hesitate to point something out if it's not to your liking," Jamil chimed in as he watched you swirl your goblet. The two of them stared right into your eyes, eyes enchanted by you despite one being an enchanter, "Because we seek only perfection for your Grace's taste."

𝐏𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐟𝐢𝐨𝐫𝐞

𝐏𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐟𝐢𝐨𝐫𝐞 prides themselves in their pitch-perfect diet. So what if their Grace has a different taste in the feast? All they have to do is readjust and tailor the whole dorm's diet to yours.

The fairest one of all, wearing a tiara that shines even brighter than any tiaras Vil has ever seen, truly living up to the radiance you emit just from sitting on the very throne with him standing right next to you.

It appeared that preparing a banquet was a huge feat for 𝐏𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐟𝐢𝐨𝐫𝐞 as they were divided into 2 teams. Team One prepared the whole occasion while Team Two flocked toward you, amusing you with a theatric show as you watched them from your throne.

It appeared that Rook's fascination with the world of theatrics and you worked really well as he 'acted' out the role of a lover professing his love toward the protagonist really well. Strings of bizarre praises and wishes rolled from the tip of his tongue smoothly as though it was by nature for him to act so already.

Epel on the other hand was all energized to drag the qualified livestock into the kitchen after Vil had inspected them all personally. The livestock was to be of a healthy diet, bruiseless and ailment-free before it was allowed to be cooked and feasted by the Grace.

The moment Rook was notified that the whole banquet was ready, a trumpet was blown and you were led to the dining hall which had been decorated to match your attire. Were you wearing something cute, pure, sexy, cool, or pop? Either way, 𝐏𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐟𝐢𝐨𝐫𝐞 never missed a beat in losing its elegance no matter what the theme was.

"Allow me," Rook pulled the chair for you to sit on before he readjusted the platter asymmetrically. Right next to your seat on the right was Vil sitting while the rest of the body stood, not daring to sit unless you allowed them to.

Seeing Epel all giddy observing you, you beckoned him to come to you and he whispered into your ear, "I seasoned it!"

You cocked a questioning eyebrow toward Vil and he could only sigh with a chuckle, "Oh what will I do with your Grace's taste bud?"

Rook poured a carmine red fluid into your glass, its smell told you that it was not made just from a fine wine but rather, a fine blood.

"A fine cocktail of white wine, dyed with a carmine golden drop, hand-picked and squeezed personally by me. Truly, your favorite, your Grace."

𝐈𝐠𝐧𝐢𝐡𝐲𝐝𝐞

Honestly, what do you even expect from all these anti-socials? They are nothing but a bunch of hikikomori yet the Shroud Brothers just know how to surprise you!

Unlike the impractical methods that the others use to earn just a golden drop of blood from the livestock, the dorm has created countless practical devices that help them to create something quickly.

Compressors that grind down the gutless livestock into a fine drink. Shredders that allow them to save time from having to shred from chunk by chunk. And a practical inspection device that helps Idia sort out the best for you to feast on.

Ortho had to be the most eager one of all, singing non-stop as he ensured all were to be finished quickly when you informed him that you would be choosing 𝐈𝐠𝐧𝐢𝐡𝐲𝐝𝐞 for your next banquet.

They specialized in efficiency and speed but that did not mean they lacked the skill of cooking a delicious dish. While it may be pale when compared to other dorms, 𝐈𝐠𝐧𝐢𝐡𝐲𝐝𝐞 is a great option for when you are craving for something and want it to be on your plate in a short moment. They might not score 12/10 but they were able to at the very least score 8/10. Surprised much? Ortho had been practicing how to cook and all from the data Idia inputted into him.

"Uurgh.. uhh... y-your Grace... so what is the verdict? A level up? Or an increase in the ranking board? O-Ortho is really expecting your answer..."

You raised your eyebrows at his stuttering, "Getting better," you stopped for a moment to chew again, "and delicious."

Ortho immediately leaped toward you from Idia's back, causing him to squeak, his metal arms wrapped around your neck, "I'm glad! Please keep on coming here and I'll make sure to be the best cook you'll ever have!"

Idia brought a napkin over to your face, "Yes... should your Grace ever need for a quick meal, please come by... Me and Ortho... and Ortho... will always be ready at your disposal."

But who were you but the all-knowing God, you knew there was a slight taint of blot in your meal, Ortho, you assumed.

𝐃𝐢𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐧𝐢𝐚

Lilia has to stay away from the kitchen. But don't worry, the bat is entrusted with hunting down livestock for the youngsters to process into something edible.

Malleus on the other hand is ready to strike anyone down with lightning should they make the slightest mistake in the banquet preparation.

Sebek is in charge of inspecting the livestock while Silver is in charge of the most gruesome part of the job (which was appointed by you for fun.) which is gutting. Surely tainting someone so pure like him has to be your favorite feast.

The candles on the table were all lit in emerald hue, fireflies surrounded you as Lilia levitated around you, joyously guiding you toward the dining table.

There you could see Malleus sitting on the second host seat, his hand prompts you to take a seat across from him. Lilia pulled the chair for you to sit before Silver walked out of nowhere, holding a plate of dishes for you to feast on.

Sebek on the other hand had been arranged to stand right next to Malleus, part of him was happy yet part of him envied Silver. Nonetheless, no barks had ever slipped past through his sealed lip.

"Kukuku, the boys went through great details and length in preparing this whole banquet, well, me included. It was fun hunting down these livestock for you," His index finger felt your platter, "it makes me feel like I must pick the ripest for you... feeding you... aa~"

Soon, he brought a forkful of meat sliced by SIlver earlier while you were distracted by Lilia. Malleus smiled at your dazed-out face and the way realization washed over you.

"May your Grace enjoy the blessing that you have graced us tonight." Malleus raised his goblet, urging you to do just the same.

"Cheers!" Lilia wiped your mouth with the napkin, Silver's hand holding out your filled goblet.

𝐃𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐥𝐞𝐲 ???

"My words! Did you have fun, hm?" Crowley immediately lunged toward you the moment you entered his office. He gave you the cutest pout you could ever see from him, his cheek rubbed against yours repeatedly.

"Are you jealous, Dire?"

"Of course not! How can someone as magnanimous as I, be jealous of my own fledglings?" And as though to prove to you his seriousness, he even posed ridiculously with his staff.

You cackled at him before giving him a kiss on his cheek, "I'm home, Dire."

Crowley stopped acting up and turned serene, giving you a smile that didn't seem to reach his eyes.

"Welcome home, Master. Dinner's ready as usual."

Oh old times... ???

#I got lazy from Scarabia.... and I can't even write properly #Yandere Dire Crowley #Yandere TWST #Yandere Twisted Wonderland #Yandere Riddle Rosehearts #Yandere Trey Clover #Yandere Deuce Spade #Yandere Ace Trappola #Yandere Cater Diamond #Yandere Leona Kingscholar #Yandere Ruggie Bucchi #Yandere Jack Howl #Yandere Azul Ashengrotto #Yandere Floyd Leech #Yandere Jade Leech #Yandere Jamil Viper #Yandere Kalm Al Asim #Yandere Vil Schoenheit #Yandere Ortho Shroud #Yandere Idia Shroud #Yandere Rook Hunt #Yandere Epel Felmier #Yandere Lilia Vanrouge #Yandere Malleus Draconia #Twisted Wonderland x Reader #Self Aware TWST #TWST x Reader #x GN Reader #Yandere Sebek Zigvolt #Yandere Silver TWST

[bogleech]

If you’re in the mood to drop bug knowledge, I’m sure Tumblr would enjoy an explanation for the jumping venomous “camelback spiders” that conservative social media is convinced have been attacking our brave soldiers

lol, again?! I remember this also happening when America invaded iraq back in like 2003. I think the name "camel spider" was even first coined then; in books the only common names I knew them under before then was "sun spider" and "wind scorpion," both of which are much cooler as well as more appropriate for something that runs as fast as the wind in bright, sunny places. But they do "chase" people in order to try and cool off in our shadows, leading to the belief that they're aggressive, and basically all the terror of them started because soldiers made up stories about them just to scare younger newer recruits as a prank, insisting that they're venomous or parasitic or that they'll chew your nose off while you sleep.

I think their tiny close-set black eyes and giant fat mouthparts give them an adorable sweet dopey face, though from the side it becomes sick and rad:

They can bite very hard and easily draw blood if you upset them, but they want to be left alone. Their jaws are only so big and strong because they're the arachnid version of a shrew: a fast-moving high energy predator adapted to quickly take down and devour everything else it comes across up to a couple times larger than itself, like lizards and centipedes!

They call this kind a teddy bear solifugid:

#biology

[rileyslibrary]

“The Lieutenant wants to see you in his office immediately,” Soap said. And when you asked why, he shrugged and said he didn’t sound very pleased.

“I don’t understand, Sergeant,” you whisper as he escorts you to Ghost, “I didn’t do anything.”

“I don’t know, soldier,” he shrugs once more as you reach the door, “just stay strong.”

Strong? Why? And what does he mean by “stay”? You have no idea what happened, so there was no time for you to prepare a case against it. You weren’t “strong”. On the contrary, you were as vulnerable as a house of cards.

Soap knocks on the door, and Ghost calls you in.

You push the door open to find an angry Lieutenant Riley sitting on the edge of his desk. His arms are crossed in front of his chest, tapping his fingers on one of his biceps. His leg hits rhythmically on the desk, and his breathing is audible from across the room.

“Sit down,” he orders sternly and points at the chair right before him, “and close the door, Soap.”

Soap does as he’s told, and so do you.

“So tell me, soldier,” Ghost begins, “what did you want to be as a kid?” He asks and looks at his watch.

“What does th-”

“Answer the fucking question, soldier!” He snaps.

“A t-teacher, sir.”

“A teacher, huh?” He contemplates, “so you liked to lecture others?”

“I don’t under-”

“Answer. The. Fucking. Question.”

“Yes, sir.” You reply and look at the floor.

Ghost unfolds his arms and hands you a piece of paper he has been holding. You look up at the note and then back at him. He brings his index finger to his mouth and eagerly shakes the message in his other hand. You nod, take the paper and unfold it:

“It’s April Fools. Soap has framed you. He’s eavesdropping as we speak. Play along.”

The statement “has framed you” was Ghost’s way to say that Soap was pulling a prank on you.

“So,” he proceeds, “as an aspiring teacher, I suspect you also liked to write on whiteboards?” He asks and checks his watch again, “you know, mark things and put stickers on stuff?”

“Yes, sir!” You reply enthusiastically, and he gestures to take it down a notch. He’s right; you’re supposed to be in trouble.

“And,” he stands up and looks at his watch again, “you decided to relive your childhood and do this?” He says and turns around to reveal Soap’s prank: A giant stamp on the back of his cargo pants with the words “BABY GIRL”, written in white paint and clearly visible from space.

You cover your mouth with your hand, and he gestures for you to stop. You nod and take small inhales, then a long exhale.

“Don’t you have a spare uniform, sir?” You ask, trying not to laugh.

“Good question, soldier,” he shouts so Soap can hear him from behind the door, “see, my spare uniform has a bedazzled JUICY COUTURE written on the back.”

You both hear a thud on the door and someone running away.

“What happened?” You whisper, but Ghost puts his hand up to stop you. He’s focusing on the sounds behind the door. He looks at his watch one more time.

“Well, why don’t you look at that,” He cheers, “it worked!”

“What worked, sir?”

“Senna leaves,” he explains, “I steeped a bunch into Soap’s tea in the morning as revenge.”

“Senna, what, sir?”

“Laxatives, soldier,” he replies, “they take about eight hours to work.”

“And you waited eight hours to get back to him?” You ask, shocked. You thought he had a short fuse. But, no. This man was calculated.

He shrugs. “I saw him last night sneaking into my room,” he explains, “I figured if he wants to mess with my ass, I might as well mess with his.”

He walks towards the window and picks through the curtain. “Come,” he says, “come look at him as he runs to the other side of the base since the toilets here are,” he brings his hands up and makes air quotes with his fingers, “out of order.”

#simon ghost riley x gn!reader #simon ghost riley x reader #simon ghost riley x you #simon ghost riley x y/n #simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley fanfiction #simon ghost riley fic #simon riley x reader #simon riley x you #simon riley #simon riley x y/n #call of duty #modern warfare 2 #cod mwii #ghost call of duty #call of duty modern warfare 2 #cod ghost #ghost cod

[embrosegraves]

𝕋𝕚𝕞𝕖 𝕠𝕗 𝕆𝕦𝕣 𝕃𝕚𝕧𝕖𝕤

Oscar Piastri x Reader “He’s not my boyfriend anymore.” “You can’t tell people that we’re engaged like that.”

Reader and Oscar announce their engagement on social media through a hilarious (for them) prank. 

I really hope this turns out okay, I've never done a smau before :D

instagram.com

Liked by yourBff, mickshumacher and 7,274,653 others

youruser We move on… 

view all comments

yourBff that’s it! I’m taking you on a trip far away.  → youruser ily

user wait what user where’s oscar? where’d he go? user haha, i’m scared.  f1wags ‘we move on’ what dOES THAT MEAN f1wags im gonna lose me job 😭😭

Liked by carlossainz55, landonorris and 6,934,627 others

oscarpiastri Moving on… 

view all comments

landonorris surely start a jpg  → oscarpiastri no

user where is mother? user mother’s not even in the like nooooo user oh no. they have matching captions f1wags istg Oscar if you and mother broke up

logansargeant ayo? → liked by oscarpiastri

imessage

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youruser it’s been emotional

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landonorris answer my texts  → youruser what texts bro? they’re all literally just “???”

user mother is making music at the cost of not dating oscar 😭😭 f1wags queen are you /j or /srs i NEED to know user no please not like this

logansargeant our boy is sorry, please put him out of his misery → youruser our boy? Far as i’m concerned, we don’t share a boy 

user everyday I am reminded of everything wrong in the world user is no one paying attention to the grid’s comments? → user they’re as desperate as we are for info 😭 → user and logan’s comment? What do you mean you don’t share a boy?!?

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oscarpiastri A lot of emotions this week 

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landonorris Oscar please answer my texts  → oscarpiastri the only thing you’ve sent me is ?????

user AGAIN WITH THE MATCHING CAPTIONS f1wags Hahaha Oscar I’m getting really scared now hahahaha user I’ve known not a single day of peace since Y/n’s first post

NicolePiastri what did you do Osc? → user NOT EVEN MAMA PIASTRI KNEW → user noooooooooooooooooooo 

user hey god? I am NOT one of your strongest soldiers user guys neither of them have specified which emotions they’re feeling → user please don’t give me hope → user I’m too far in to believe that they’re happy 😭😭😭

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NicolePiastri Well this answers my question

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landonorris ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! → youruser this is so funny to me → oscarpiastri hehehehehehe

user EVERYONE CALLED ME CRAZY BUT I WAS RIGHT f1wags I can sleep easy now :’D user they’re laughing. WE SUFFERED AND THEY’RE LAUGHING

logansargeant okay, without me? rude. → youruser oh please, you would’ve spilt at first chance → logansargeant i don’t like you  

user WARRRRR ISSSS OVERRRRRRRR user everyone say thank you Mama Piastri → user THANK YOU MAMA PIASTRI → user THANK YOU MAMA PIASTRI → youruser Thank you Mum ❤️😁 → oscarpiastri Thank you Mum ❤️ → NicolePiastri You’re welcome kids

AHHHH I hope you enjoyed! first time ever doing a social media au si I'm crossing my fingers that this was good 🤞

Let me know what you think, I might make some more depending on feedback but who knows

#formula 1 x you #f1 social media au #f1 instagram au #oscar piastri x reader #oscar pastry #oscar piastri #oscar piastri x you #oscar piastri smau #reader is besties with logan sargeant bc i said so #let me know if you liked this! #i'm so nervous about posting this for some reason #prolly my need to please people lmao

[adrinktostopyourthirst]

incoming smutty thoughts:

the other night i had a dream i asked something like “how come you always tell me to talk and you rarely do?” and he replied “i like your voice more.” so we know bucky is the “ask for what you want type,” but do you think he’s more or less verbal than her in bed? he’s generally quiet, do you think maybe that leads to him talking dirty more?

Oh, I love this, because I do often write about him dirty talking.

I think we all know that Bucky only speaks when he absolutely has to and even then, it's usually something sarcastic or cynical. Also, Bucky isn’t the best with words. Yes, he can lie and manipulate well, but most of that is body language and perception. It’s fascinating how few words he has to utilise to get what he wants. His skill is mainly in listening and observing and most people know this about him, so they let him.

Just as most people have the good sense to be somewhat on their guard around him, especially when Bucky doesn’t bother to be sly about keeping a close eye on everyone and everything. But he has never really been able to unnerve you. Or… Maybe he has, but it only made you talk more. You share unapologetically and you ramble and you show most of your emotions. At first, he thought it was foolish to be so open and vulnerable. Now, he can see it has probably saved your life (and others’ lives) more times than he can count. With you living, speaking and feeling so out in the open, he doesn’t have to pay so much attention to you.

And yet…

The man cannot stop himself from paying attention to anything other than you. Everything else just kind of blurs. It mostly amuses everyone around Bucky how distracted he gets. They pull petty little pranks when he isn’t paying attention. And they fail awkwardly, because Bucky might be smitten, but he’s still a trained soldier.

So yes, Bucky is quiet and you’ve always known that about him. You expected him to be more quiet in bed, too. But he has learned that he loves how responsive you are and it just so happens that you get more responsive when he speaks to you. When Bucky has his tongue buried between your legs or his cock hitting your cervix, he usually grounds you by splaying a wide palm over your back, or thigh, or tummy. However, Bucky has found he likes the way you shudder when he mumbles against your neck or the shell of your ear. He likes how you can only respond with a soft mewl when he uses his voice.

Sometimes he asks you a question and then drives his cock into you with a thorough thrust at the end, making you writhe under him and choke on air. Then he nuzzles his nose over your pulse with a soft laugh. “Who’s the quiet one now, huh?”

You want to answer him, you do, but fuck– his fingers are at your clit and his teeth bite into your collar bone and he’s moaning and– and– Oh God… But he talks you through it. Every step of the way. Teasing. Coaxing. Soothing. Praising.

“That’s the spot.”

“Look at you,” when your eyes roll to the back of your head.

“Hug me tighter, sweetheart,” he’ll groan when you clench around him tightly. “Fuck. Good girl.”

“That’s my girl,” when you come. And the sounds you make - that will have him nearly go blind with pleasure. “There you go. Keep coming for me.”

#answered #drabble #writing #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #oh oops #hope you enjoy it