#so 21 years of unlearning to do

[kethabali]

you know i think i should start trauma dumping to anyone who disrespects me bc if im gonna be uncomfortable cuz u don't know how to ask for boundaries then i'm gonna make you uncomfortable by making you feel guilty as hell for triggering my ptsd 😃

#i might legit try this out #bc it may be the best way to jump start my confrontation problem #maybe if i do this enough times i'll learn how to just strictly tell people to fuck off and not waver if they don't listen the first time #idk i just am tired of not being able to trust myself to protect MYSELF over someone else #and i wanna get there.. i'm impatient though and these things take time since ive been forced to never think about my own needs #for like my entire life.. #so 21 years of unlearning to do #of course i did rebel and try to help myself when i could but #the direct communication i never got to practice #so very bad at it.. the only way i know to protect myself is isolation #which is getting old #🧃 #so the only other option is to be around people but as an assertive firm person #i will get there.. i will #strong confident unwavering refusing to put myself down for someone else's comfort #the dream goal.. those people are so admirable to me #i wanna be like that

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Was I the asshole for kinda cheating on my partner?

This happened 4 years ago

So I (then 17-18, nbl) was dating this guy B (then 18, m), he was my first actual relationship but, to put it lightly, he wasn't that great. He mocked/disrespected my very real religious beliefs to my face, belittled my taste in music, tried to pressure me into sleeping with him even though I told him at the time that I was ace and sex repulsed, he was sexist and would sometimes put his hand over my mouth when I tried to talk about something that was "for the boys" so to speak, even if I was right there.

I started going to school (we were both homeschooled and met through activities) and at this new school I made some friends who introduced me to D (then 21, m) and as I got dragged into this group, D and I started getting closer; we'd see each other daily while B refused to go out and only ever hung out with me if it was at one of our homes so I'd only see him once every 2 weeks or so. When I turned 18, B took me out in our first actual date in 2 years of being together! He took me to see a movie then the mall. On our way back to the bus I asked him if he thought I looked pretty (I was very insecure at this point bc of all the belittling) and he said that I could "lose a few pounds" (I wore medium clothes) and the ensuing "argument" thing led to him basically telling me he could replace me with a hooker...and I said that I was the best he could ever do since he's quite big himself and never does anything with his life. now at this point he knew I liked D, as I was a very honest person, and he seemed fine with it. What he didn't know was that throughout the months D had been just kinda...being affectionate, nothing outright, just a pat on the shoulder, an arm around my shoulder, etc., and I'd lean into it. There were many times I'd end up just...laying my head on his lap at the Tim Hortons next to school, in my mind all of this was completely innocent, as I was very inexperienced with intimacy outside of the intimacy a girl can have with other girl friends, and my guy friends were all very distant and no-touchy, having someone who made me feel grounded, and safe, while I was experiencing all sorts of new things and learning to unlearn a lot of harmful things I believed, was comforting. But now, looking back, I wonder if what I did qualified as cheating, and it didn't help that EVERYONE at my school shipped D and I and were just waiting to see us get together, I felt rather close to him but it never felt romantic (turned out I'm also aro). I eventually ended things w B and 3 days later started dating D BY ACCIDENT (he cornered me in the cafeteria and forced a confession out of me, then after school we had a conversation at Tim Hortons) and I eventually cut ties w B bc HE LITERALLY JUST STOPPED REACHING OUT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS HIM WHO HAD A CRUSH ON ME I WAS DOING ALL THE WORK OF THE RELATIONSHIP anyway, I'm...still coping w my past at times, but was I the asshole? Should I maybe not have been cuddling this guy for months? Also I didn't realize at the start that he was 3 years older than me, I learned later on that we started having feelings for eachother when I was still a minor.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[rrat-king]

Character ask game, 20, 21, 22 for Saint(?) Kristen Applebees

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

So my answer for this was Riz or Fig before junior year and it has only been solidified since then with them as secret service and campaign manager (if you want to read the most glorious fic of the three of them read Luxury Lads by @gilears), though i will say she is more friends with everyone than she is closer with one particular person which i kinda attribute to Tracker and their relationship esp in sophmore year being priority.

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

i love writing kristen esp writing about her in mordred and how she fits in there when she doesn't necessarily have a parent there looking out for her and like the transition between living one way her whole life and then all of a sudden having to adapt and change in a new space and unlearning the harmful stuff she's been taught. something i don't like... i have a hard time letting kristen be happy if i'm being real like i can't not torture her

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to ths character? Something you don't like?

i love love love when people write about kristen's religous stuff and her family. as someone who wasn't raised religous i sometimes have a hard time writing it myself so i love seeing people's interpretations. as for somehting i don't like, i don't a have a lot to say just cuz like, kristen is one of the least written about bad kids so i just love anything written about her cuz i love her so much.

#thanks for the ask <3 #d20 #fhjy #fantasy high #dimension 20 #kristen applebees #bird answers

[polyamorouscultureis]

Hi I’m 21 and I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with my partner for over 2 years I love them a lot and I don’t want to change anything between us. However I have always gotten crushed on other people and they’ve always known this, they are incredibly chill but I’ve never been sure if I want to act on these crushes. Now I’m feeling like maybe I do and my partner is absolute comfortable with me doing that even though they don’t think that they are poly themselves but I am absolutely terrified to explore this side of myself even though I think I want to. I’m not really sure why I’m asking honestly, just looking for some advice as it’s all very confusing and I’m scared to mess things up with my partner.

It'a so valid to be nervous! I think if your partner has given you explicit permission to pursue other connections, there's no reason to not at least give it a shot. Talk about boundaries, what is and isn't on the table for you to do with other people, how much they want to hear about it, etc, then go have fun! It's definitely terrifying and it'll take a while to unlearn some of the guilt you will feel from being taught your whole life that you should never date someone other than your partner, but if you've both communicated expectations and desires, there is nothing to worry about as far as "ruining the relationship" goes. Best of luck!

#polyam asks #advice #polyamory #polyam #lgbtq #poly #polyamorous #polycule

[here2bbtstrash]

I’m obsessed with Gracie Abrams’s whole discography and I hope you can write something SUPERRRR angsty (crying, screaming…) inspired by these songs. Literally I can’t choose because I love all of her songs but maybe Feels Like, 21, Rockland or Unlearn would be great! Thank you for opening request ❤️ I love your writing very much 💖

mwah mwah mwah I LOVE YOU !!!! OKAY. i feel this needs an explanation because 🥴 i've been looking for creative inspiration and i was talking to the queen of my heart @gimmethatagustd who said that they would sometimes set like writing "challenges" for assignments in school, and i loved that idea. AND THEN i was sat back listening through these songs and when 21 came on i immediately started hearing a conversation in my head, just the dialogue, and then i was like 🤔🤔 what if i only wrote the dialogue ??? and so. that's what we did 😬 i hope you still like it, i know this is weird but it was a fun exercise for me and tbh i really like how it turned out ??? /disclaimer

still accepting song ideas to write drabbles based on! specify the member you want OR let me choose~

pairing: jungkook x ??? (the "other person" can really be anybody.... reader..... another member.... crack ship of your choice..... go crazy lol) wordcount: 555 ~ angel number contains: a phone call between exes and just a whoooole buncha angst, jk's ex speaks first if it helps you keep it straight, also i'm curious to know whose side you're on 🤔🤔🤔

“Did you have fun on your birthday? Hyungs take you out?”

“Mm-hmm. Drank a lot. Regretted trying to keep up with Yoongi.”

“I wish I could’ve been there.”

“I do too.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t call. I feel really shitty about it.”

“It’s okay. I thought maybe you were telling me to move on. It’s probably a good thing, really.”

“Jungkookie.”

“Please don’t call me that. It’s not fair.”

“Why?”

“Because it fucking hurts. Because you broke up with me.”

“I didn’t think it would be like this, J—JK. I didn’t think you’d just… cut me out of your life completely.”

“If I cut you out completely I wouldn’t have picked up the phone.”

“You know what I mean. There’s stuff I still want to do. With you. Like go out and get drunk and do karaoke in your kitchen. Celebrate your birthday. I hate missing the important things. And the little ones, too. …And I hate hearing you cry.”

“Tough shit. You made the call.”

“But I didn’t want to lose my best friend, too. There’s stuff that— I don’t know, that I didn’t think about. That I miss. I miss you. This is so hard.”

“I’m sorry the fact that you broke my heart is inconvenient for you.”

“Why are you being so fucking mean?”

“Because you don’t get to do this. Not now, and not every time you keep fucking calling me, when three months ago you sat me down and said you didn’t love me anymore.”

“Jungkook, I—”

“After I spent four years with you, and we built a whole life together. Got your fucking eye tattooed on my arm like an idiot. And then you just woke up one day and decided to throw it all away like it never meant anything. Well that’s on you. You don’t get to keep changing your mind.”

“I’m not changing my mind, there’s just some things—”

“Well you don’t get some things! I’m not your fucking science experiment to pick apart and only keep the shit you like! It’s all of me or none of me, and you picked none!”

“Not trying to pick you apart, not trying to hurt you.”

“You already did.”

“Jungkook, stop! …Now we’re both fucking crying, is that what you wanted? Are you happy?”

“Are you?”

“No, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. You don’t get to be the only one that’s hurt here. I’m fucking miserable without you.”

“And you think I’m not? You think I don’t miss you too?”

“That’s what I’m saying, I don’t see why it has to be like this. It feels like extra pain for no reason. Just cause we’re supposed to.”

“Hyungs said I need space.”

“Well, I hate space. It’s dumb.”

“...Yeah.”

“I want my best friend Jungkookie back. I pick up my phone wanting to text you about stuff like twenty times a day, and I hate feeling like I can’t. Like I’m not supposed to.”

“I know. I miss my best friend, too.”

“I’m so sad by myself.”

“But you weren’t happy with me either.”

“…I was in some ways. But not every way, no.”

“Do you want to get back together?”

“I wish that the answer was yes. It would make things a lot easier.”

“But it’s not a yes.”

“No.”

“Then what do we do?”

#jungkook angst #jungkook x reader #bts angst #bts x reader #anonymous #song drabbles

[phoenixyfriend]

Okay so I mentioned thinking about Bo/Aayla and @jebiknights prompted me for more thoughts on Discord so here we are!

I feel like any Bo-Katan ship is very heavily colored by shaky emotional control, denial, and having to be dragged into acknowledging her own feelings. She's probably violent with her partner at some points, secure in the knowledge that they can hold their own, and unwilling to face the ways that this might make her a suboptimal person. She's also very driven, and would react negatively to even a perceived attempt to steer her into new directions that are not the one she has decided is her true purpose. She's used to either people fitting into a very set military command structure, and having an easy if-then structure to her interactions (if S.O. follow lead. if subordinate, give orders and do not tolerate backtalk. if outsider, assume hostility).

Aayla is a good match in the sense that she is very skilled at diffusing situations and does not rise to the bait, whatever said bait may be. I imagine that, if Bo-Katan were to verbally attack her, she'd weather it with an unimpressed look, and remove herself if it got too personal (e.g. something about Bly turning on her at O66 or Quinlan going Dark that one time). If Bo-Katan gets violent in that "Death Watch fucked up my stress responses and I punch or arm bar someone if they piss me off" way, Aayla's skilled enough to maneuver her into a hold instead and keep her there until she calms down or agrees to handle her anger a different way.

Slowly, Bo would manage her anger the way Aayla keeps suggesting or angling for; she was already unlearning a lot of what she had drilled into her by Death Watch, but Aayla's steady hand and refusal to take the bullshit helps speed and steady the process, and manages the relapses better. I don't think they'd actually get together until after some amount of Bo-Katan's shift into being a non-toxic partner was already handled.

Now, the question there ends up being why Aayla would even bother being around Bo-Katan if the early period would be so heavily colored by negative interactions and Death Watch-typical violence, and that's where a plot to CAUSE them to interact is necessary. The easy answer is a post-O66 plot where Bo-Katan runs into her and decides to help Aayla (possibly still recovering from O66 injuries because she doesn't have access to real health care) get in contact with Ahsoka and the rebellion, but I've already used that plot for the CodyBo fic. My instinct is unsurprisingly time-travel (enables a 'we're trapped together' plot while still giving them the whole galaxy to adventure in), but let's go in a different direction?

I think there's something to be done with the Mandalore mission, if I shift the timeline just a bit. Aayla's about nine years younger than Obi-Wan in canon, so I'm going to shrink it to six years, and Obi-Wan being 21-22, for the duration of the mission (instead of my usual 18-19, or canon's 15-ish).

So at the end of that mission with this version of the timeline, Aayla is sixteen. That means that, when an emergency message comes for an extraction of Jinn and Kenobi, and their civilian charges, Quinlan can take it because Aayla's not too young to handle the mission, so long as there are three older Jedi there with her, which there are.

Satine has, by this point, managed to find and collect her little sister, who is about Aayla's age and has already undergone several years of Death Watch training, and is somewhat indoctrinated already. Sometimes, they need to lock her in her room because of her reaction to the Jedi interference.

Every time the Adults are talking politics, Aayla is asked to hang out with Bo-Katan. Aayla is fully of the opinion that she is old enough to participate in these conversations, buuuuuuut someone needs to spend time with Bo while Satine is busy, and Bo isn't allowed in these meetings anymore.

So for the month or two that the six spend time in each others' company, Aayla and Bo-Katan actually grow a lot closer, with gems like Bo-Katan confessing to the torture she underwent with Kyr'tsad, and Aayla talking about Volfe Karkko* (that time she had an extended brush with the Dark because of an Anzati Fallen Jedi).

It's all the usual "I say my trauma, you say your trauma, now we cry on each other and after a few of these incidents we start making out (possibly while still crying)."

* Technically Karkko hasn't happened yet (apparently), but I'm already messing with the timeline and it's Legends anyway, so whatever.

#Aayla Secura #Bo Katan Kryze #bokaayla #phoenix posts #satine kryze #I don't know that I should tag the others but in my head they do have roles in all this #death watch #jedi #obi wan kenobi #quinlan vos #qui gon jinn #star wars #the clone wars #sw legends

[kittycatval]

hi!!! this is a sideblog. i follow + interact from @/valpuduzz

not rlly required for this blog but i do suggest for anyone who wants to follow to check out my carrd

im val :3 im a femme bi sapphic polyam enby who's arospec and i use she/they/cat/he pronouns. i am 21 yrs old

THIS IS AN NSFW BLOG. DO NOT FOLLOW IF YOU ARE A MINOR OR IF YOU DO NOT HAVE YOUR AGE LISTED ANYWHERE. I WILL HARDBLOCK.

as for more personal stuff... i wouldnt exactly call myself a virgin but i am very inexperienced when it comes to sex. i dont rlly know what i am in terms of top/bottom or dom/sub but for now, i usually describe myself as a submissive bottom since that's usually how i put myself in my fantasies

under the cut is my kinks and stuff im into and not into!

i rlly dont feel like making a sideblog for my harder kinks so i will put everything in here. anyways....

YES 💕 (no particular order)

PREGNANCY + BIRTH 💕💕💕💕 (my top #1 kink. yes this includes mpreg)

breeding

lactation

milfs

oviposition + eggpreg

(is everypony sensing a pattern here...?)

free use/being used as a human sex toy

big boobs

threesome/foursomes/the more people the better!

pissplay

petplay (im a catgirl 🐱)

overstimulation

hickeys + biting + blood

femdom

emetophilia (im only rlly interested in the act of vomiting + the aftermath.... not so much the vomit itself)

voyeurism

size difference

somnophilia

nipple play

edging

not exactly a kink BUT I LOOOOVVEEE BULGES I LOVE SEEING BULGES

so... this list will probably be edited during the year ^_^; i have lots of self exploration to do and lots of shame to unlearn

monsters/teratophilia (especially monster girls)

hucow

i wont rlly have a dni or any hard no's but i'll probably unfollow + hardblock if i get uncomfortable. nothing personal, just trying to put myself first here!

OKAY THAT'S ALL!! mutuals are 100% allowed to wanna fuck me 🫶

#meow meow kitty 🐱💞

[mueritos]

genuine question from a fellow transfag Hispanic & Caucasian with indigenous roots, how do you feel about the term "mixed" (if anything at all)? I feel like it used to be thrown around a lot more when I was growing up, I'm 21 now, and I only realized recently that I don't think I've heard it at all over the last few years? Just sort of wondering if that's for a reason and I grew up with smth akin to a slur being tossed around a white household or if people just found better ways to talk about race & ethnicity.

Hope you're having a good day! :] sorry if this was a weird ask

I've personally be around a lot of mixed kids growing up, so being and looking racially ambiguous has been common for me. It's always been something I've been neutral to, and honestly, is a term I would prefer calling myself since calling myself indigenous still feels very weird. It's either I'm mixed or a de-tribalized Mexican, but I do my best to not deny the indigeneity. I've heard derogatory language used against mixed kids tho, but none of them were "mixed", more like "oreo" and others like it. You may have just grown up in an environment where whiteness was being upheld through denouncing mixed identities and appearances, but I do believe people are also getting better at speaking about race and ethnicity. Keep in mind a lot of these conversations have been happening for decades in BIPOC spaces, but now that white folks are becoming more aware, conversations are being recycled and "discovered" as critical race theory, when this theory has existed long before white people discovered how to speak about race. it's not an easy topic for sure, and it requires a lot of unlearning and relearning, but it's meaningful and needed.

#muertoresponds #not a weird ask :)

[prpfs]

🔥 「  my rp ad !! 」 🔥

︶꒦꒷ warning !! ꒷꒦︶ due to tumblr banning accounts that share links too much, i will not link you my ad when i ask you if you're interested in writing, i will simply tell you what emojis i used ( fire !! ) and what blog you liked it on !! i just got this account fixed, trying to keep it that way.

🔥 「  about me !! 」 🔥 . . . ⇢ 25+ years old, 21+ partners preferred for smut themed things . . . ⇢ don't mind somewhere between rapid fire replies, or once every few days replies. super chill vibes. . . . ⇢ probably talk ooc quite a bit too between writing and replies. i like making friends with people i write with !!

do you like:

a promare rp ooooooo ??

m x m or nb characters !! ( trans characters always welcome !! )

oc x cc or cc x cc !!

discord server writing !!

smut/nsfw are welcomed !!

🕊️ themes may include: dubcon, noncon, toxic relationships, propaganda, government abuse, lots of intense themes of promare having to do with the corrupt establishment, corrupt government, and so on !!

then i'm the person for you !!

i would like to play the role of lio fotia, maybe somewhere around the time in the movie where he is in the middle of trying to break the burnish out of the jail cell ?? i would love a few different rp's for this plot !! - you could possibly play galo thymos, who think's he's doing a good job by capturing lio for kray. maybe things go a bit different and he has to watch over lio for a bit before he's taken away by the freeze force. lio keeps possibly trying to break out and gets a bit roughed up in the process. - possibly playing vulcan, trying to strike a deal with lio, some heavy abuse themes between the two, possibly noncon of a situation here with vulcan being well, the worst lmao. - possibly a love story set after the movie as well between galo and lio, something actually kinda soft of galo unlearning all the things kray taught him growing up. - OC'S ALSO ACCEPTED !! is your oc apart of freeze force ?? maybe roughing up lio in the jail cell, or are they apart of burning rescue, just trying to put out the fires and gets stuck in the cross fire. are they a fellow burnish that lio is trying to set free, a cute slowburn love story ??

i'm also TOTALLY okay with any other ideas you have other than that, for how y/c can interact with lio, or who y/c can be, premade oc's are totally okay !!

let me know if you're interested, and again, i'll tell you my emojis and ab the plot briefly, not link the post, to avoid getting a ban !!

like if you're interested and op will get back to you

#promare rp #mxm rp #nbxnb rp #ocxcc rp #fandom rp #fandomless rp #discord rp #dead dove

[unknownfortuna]

Book of the Day

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

"I'm afraid that if my dream is realized, I'll have no reason to go on living."

My last year has been full of ups and downs, including facing my biggest fears I never knew I had (The 12th house profection year can kindly go fuck itself T.T). This book articulated what I learned in the last 24 years of my life and wrapped it up in a short 166 page journey. What struck me the most was the main character being described as a shepherd which effectively put the focus on the character. Much like my early 20's, I realized I was a wanderer who could no longer blame my family for the maladaptive coping mechanisms I had acquired. I became my own support system and whatever failure's/successes I acquired would be under my name. Much like Santiago, I had to learn and unlearn the limitations I thought I had because the truth is, I may not have put them there, but it was my job to remove them in order to realize my Personal Legend. The humor in this book was incredibly subtle and I enjoyed it due to the fact it closely emulated how funny life is. From the Gypsy character to the alchemist simply repeating what Santiago already knew is something each of us do. We constantly seek reassurance of whether or not what we are doing is 'right' without realizing no one can give you guidance because each of us are on our own personal journey. Some may be following it while proudly admitting the mistakes they have made, while other's sit back and judge them too afraid to be made a fool of. I won't give any spoiler's other than my favorite quotes from the book and this sentiment: Wherever you are is where you're supposed to be, and even though you may be struggling it will be part of the foundation that builds you, so keep going my little shepherd's:)

"He had noticed that, as soon as he awoke, most of his animals also began to stir. I was as if some mysterious energy bound his life to that of the sheep, with whom he had spent the past two years, leading through the countryside in search of food and water." Pg 4

"'What's the world's greatest lie?' the boy asked...'that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie." Pg 18

"'It's what you have always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young, knows what their Personal Legend is....But, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their Personal Legend.'" Pg 21

"'Well, there is only one piece of advice I can give you' said the wisest of wise men. ' The secret to happiness is to see all the marvels of the world, and never forget the drops of oil in the spoon.'...He understood the story the old king had told him. A shepherd may like to travel, but he should never forget about his sheep." Pg 32

"'You must understand that love never keeps a man from pursuing his Personal Legend. If he abandons that pursuit, it's because it wasn't true love...'" Pg 120

"'But my heart is agitated,' the boy said. 'It has its dreams, it gets emotional, and it's become passionate over a woman of the desert...' 'You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it's better to listen to what it has to say. That way, you'll never have to fear an unanticipated blow'... He came to understand it's dodges and tricks, and to accept it as it was. He lost his fear..." Pg 128-129

#book review #the alchemist #12th house #astrology blog #astrology houses

[lavenderfires-moved]

wendip headcanons

requested by @/randomaxes *checks ask* months ago.

content warning: unrequited age-gap crush (12 and 15), aged-up characters (18 and 21). if this makes you uncomfortable, keep scrolling.

stay safe and don't interact with things that you know will upset you.

dipper's crush on wendy faded shortly after leaving gravity falls. he missed her as a friend, and nothing more. as he got older, he kept her in his mind as a fifteen-year-old girl.

reconnecting

wendy kept dipper in her mind as a twelve-year-old boy. even when she knew he was aging, she couldn't get the idea of him being a young boy out of her mind.

dipper was pleased to have seen that she had grown into a beautiful young woman. and wendy was astonished to see that he'd grown into a handsome young man. although, she felt he was a bit too young for her, still.

this changed for the both of them when dipper and mabel finally visited gravity falls again as grown adults, after graduating highschool.

dipper was coming back to learn about the cryptids of gravity falls under the tutelage of stanford pines. mabel was coming back for a short time to visit.

wendy had been busy herself, helping at the mystery shack still, while also working on a wood-processing plant with her dad and brothers.

they had a love-at-second-sight moment, in which they just stared at each other for a few seconds after saying hello. mabel made a little ">:3" face.

after a few hang-out sessions, dipper asked her out on a serious date. wendy admitted she was a bit nervous, because he was only eighteen, but she'd give it a shot.

after three dates, they make things official.

relationship stuff

dipper insists on doing stereotypical masculine things like holding the door, paying for everything, etc. this annoys the shit out of wendy, but in an affectionate way.

wendy enjoys being picked up up spun around bridal style.

wendy still gets him things like flowers and chocolates, even if its the stereotypical masculine thing to do. dipper appreciates it bunches.

dipper beats himself up way too hard when he makes mistakes and over apologizes. wendy sort of shuts down and runs off when she is upset. they unlearn this behavior later, but it makes the early months rocky.

wendy sleeps in dipper's shirts almost exclusively, and sprays his cologne on her pillow.

they like to sing and dance in the car together. neither of them can sing well, or dance well, for that matter, but they don't mind.

wendy's dad is super supportive, and so are her brothers. they like to do "guy stuff" with him.

dipper prefers to drive; he is a very safe driver, and wendy's driving skills scare the shit out of him. she will go 60 in a 35 and not think twice about it. he will go 40 in a 35 at most.

wendy is a roller and the first time they share a bed, she nearly pushed him off.

#ender.doc #wendip #aged up #dddne

[creativebrainrot]

open journal entry

just writing about Brain Garbage i had to deal with today.

descriptions of abuse at the hands of my dickhead father. (not to be confused with My Dad who is a sweetheart that I would fight god for.)

TLDR: I am incapable of assuming that anyone who acts like they care about me or enjoys my company Actually Means It because I had Basic Human Social Ques weaponized against me for my first 16 years alive. I am currently incapable of believing that anyone genuinely cares when they're nice to me: They're ACTUALLY doing it out of pity/civility/jsut because they're a nice person/etc and Not because I am a friend that they care about. I am also incapable of assuming that anyone that enjoys my company considers me special in any regard.

like I still have to fight off dumb ass thoughts that if I disappeared tomorrow, no one would care. There's also the stupid little loopholes my brain will find like "even if they DID care, its because youre their friend and they "Should Care" and not because they, on their own, considered you, individually, special." because minds are, infact, Stupid, and Overrated. :)

im working on it.

i have literally no self perception what so ever. that's only slightly hyperbolic. If someone doesn't tell me what they think of me, my default is to assume that they like me in that moment. The second anyone stops talking to me for awhile, I assume it's because they're bored of me. That it's because they no longer like me. They'll be back in a week or two, or they'll be gone forever.

I know why this is my default of course. i've been isolated, for 21 years, in the middle of no where, with no friends- let alone real friends who care, until last December. my abuser. who would, when I was 13 and younger- actually he never stopped being like this. I stopped playing the game instead. He'd act "normal" (loving, listening to me, joking with me, caring about me, being a father,) for a week. then he'd reset. he'd be right back to acting cold, distant, like I was an annoyance, a nuisance. Unwanted. I would have no indication of this beforehand (thats how this bullshit worked, if id known, it wouldnt have been abuse.) He ambushed me with being fed up of me, wanting to play and talk with my father, like a child WOULD want, all the time. it was always either very insidious words he could pass off as an "accident" or him "misspeaking" or legitimately, straight up, brushing me off. his autistic, loving child, who took that shit VERY personally, every time. I wanted, and i needed, routine. I still need routine to be happy. I know for a fact he used that against me when he lived with us. There was another thing he'd do to me. I'd read all the social ques he set up, and understand all the things he said, but when I later assumed I'd known right, he would flip around and say he never said that. he never meant that. and always imply that I was stupid for thinking I'd understood his Exact Words correctly. obviously, this was more abuse, and he was just lying. because he could. to trip me up. to make me doubt myself. it resulted in me never listening to a fucking word he said. Aswell as the lingering issues of me, still assuming, that I cannot read people. That people who act like they enjoy my company are simply being civil. Or that they do enjoy my company, but it wont last. They'll get bored of me eventually and then I'll never hear from them again. Or i'll hear from them again a week or two later. I know it's all nonsense- That it's all just, residual effects from my abusive childhood. That I'll unlearn it eventually.

But I cannot put into words how frustrating it is to be having an okay or fine time and then be blindsided by how desperate and lonely I was trained to be by a manipulative piece of shit who never loved me. Lied to my fucking face- his goddamn child, every day of my life while he was in it.

To be blindsided by how insecure I was made to be. The self-hatred I feel for things that are not my fault is so goddamn, suffocating. It's not my fault I'm desperate for attention; I was deprived of genuine love and attention for 20 fucking years. Sure I had my dad that whole time but one parent cant, and shouldnt be expected, to make up for an abusive parent. My dad is the reason I'm even alive right now. He's the only reason I never acted on any of my suicidal thoughts. But he couldn't fix the abuse that piece of shit inflicted on us both. It's not my fault I feel worthless and unwanted; I spent the first two decade of my life being told through implications that I WAS a nuisance and unwanted and worthless. It's not my fault I'm so fucking lonely when he chose somewhere in the middle of nowhere with no my age around, with no school nearby I could walk to- somewhere with only military families that would leave in a few months or retired people who dont fucking want to talk to anyone else and sure as hell dont make for good friends for my queer gen z ass. Let alone that we're in the south, and I am nonbinary.

None of it is my fault. I want to unlearn it.

I just want to believe that i am special to someone. You don't know how tired I am of the voices in my mind telling me that I will never be wanted, or loved, or needed, or missed when I'm not around.

How tired I am of being genuinely incapable of believing that I have any value to anyone alive, unable to believe that anyone would care if I was gone tomorrow.

I am exhausted. I am so tired, of believing that I am unwanted, that I am pathetic, that I am worthless, that I will never be remembered when I'm not in the room or around.

I just want to unlearn it all and move on with my life.

Very slowly, I am.

There's brighter days ahead. I've held onto hope for so long it's starting to hurt. I want it to be over and done with already- all of it. The move out of this wretched house that always felt like a prison, unlearning these nasty lies that were implanted in my mind to make me vulnerable to more abuse, the poverty, which is also the result of residual abusive actions. I can't tell you how many times my dad saved that idiot from making us homeless.

I know that these nasty lies are just that; lies. I know that I'll get a chance to truly feel like my friends and loved ones care. I know that I'll be able to put all this behind me someday soon and never look back.

in the meantime I am so sick of the thoughts in my mind rendering me incapable of believing that my friends genuinely like me. So tired of it actually hurting, to even think of letting myself believe that they care. Every single last time I let myself believe that someone cared, I got hurt. But that "someone" was the same person, every time. The people in my life now, are not that man. Infact they've been kinder to me and shown more care for me than he ever genuinely did in the 21 years I had with him in my life. That's not even remotely hyperbolic.

idk man, brain shit is annoying and bullshit and BOY do I want my mind to shut the fuck up again and let me live.

#parental abuse #abuse #suicide mention #rotthoughts

[dabistits]

19, 21, 25 for the ask meme!

19. you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

mad that i actually kind of like geten for this one!!!👇

this was so funny. he made a point and i hope he unlearns his family's fucked up bullshit. the himura reveal and discussion about their family values actually makes a lot of sense as far as why he was the only MLA leader who explicitly denigrated people with weak/unsuitable quirks (not that the others didn't, geten was just the most blunt about it). be better please, you can do it.🙏

i've also kind of come around to AFO—not that he's a well-written or morally good character or anything, but he's just kind of funny. in an arc where everyone's grimdark serious his plan is just "yes i'll blow up my minion and then have her leak a false location to the heroes and when they get there i'll blow up that location." that's one of the funniest ways to go about it, thanks dude

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

the whole storyline about the students saving the villains is massively overhyped. it's just not well-written. i don't think there's any textual evidence that any of the students have anything more than a superficial or vague notion of why the villains chose their paths, these are virtually strangers whose hearts the students intend to save.

and while no, i don't think you need to know anyone deeply in order to reach out to them, and in fact you should help strangers! but to argue that somehow you can understand them enough to know what they want "deep down" is paternalistic bullshit.

also in this case "saving," also means stopping, also means sticking them in prison, so uh. how are you saving them, buddy. if you want to stop them and put them in prison then at least be honest about it, don't dress this shit up in the language of kindness. the hypocrisy and lack of time spent actually developing a bond between heroes and villains makes the whole "saving" plot feel hollow.

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

i am the fandom complaining blog, imagine being tired of complaints...

ok but a couple years ago there was so much drama around caleb cook's translations for the manga and people often blamed him for things that may have been pushed by the publisher (as a standard for all translations they do, ex: translating yakitori as chicken skewer instead of just using 'yakitori') to more 'major' things that people argued were mistranslated or tonally too soft/too strong, among a myriad of other issues. (he only has as much information as we do, folks, translators don't have a direct line to the mangaka, so sometimes translators just have to make their own judgment call on a specific line.)

yes, sometimes the translations sound weird or janky, you might even be able to argue that some don't get the correct meaning across, but there was so much responsibility pushed onto caleb as though he was the one directing the overall progression of the manga. is it caleb cook or horikoshi's fault that the LOV don't openly declare their deep feelings towards each other?🤔

#ask meme #thanks 4 the ask! #mega loser army #i suggested someone else answer with the same thing #on question 25 so hopefully you don't follow us both #or our answers are different enough...lol

[bisamwilson]

3, 16, and 21 for the choose violence meme?

thanks for the ask!!! (from this list)

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

i've seen a lot of bad tumblr takes but the one where someone went on for a multiple paragraphs-long rant calling peggy carter a seductress hell bent on splitting up steve and bucky (they said they also could mean this platonically, so it wasn't just a "i hate seeing my fave white men in ships with women" thing, which like. yeah. sure you did.) for DARING to wear a nice dress to a rare fun night at a bar in the middle of wartime really lives in my mind rent free forever because like what the fuck.

i don't have a screenshot of the post itself but here's some tags quoting it when i ranted about it when i first saw it like over a year ago

"no reason to come to the bar dressed like that" like how dare a woman want to look nice at a bar/dance club when she's had no occasion to wear anything but her uniform in probably months/years. she obviously just wants to break up my two white man faves like the evil slut she is. 🙄

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

alright i'm gonna say it. i hate kid fics.

part of this stems from me just not ever wanting kids myself, so it's not really anything i'm particularly interested in, but also most of the ships i ship i don't think are in a position to take care of kids due to their jobs, situations, etc

sam and bucky are superheroes. bucky is still under a very strict pardon with a lot of scrutiny from the government, and sam is captain america. both of them have targets on their backs constantly, and need to be going often from one place to the next to run very dangerous missions they've got a higher chance of not coming back from, and i just don't think this is a particularly stable environment to be having children

also i don't think bucky is mentally in a place to be able to take care of kids full time right now, nor has he done anywhere near enough of the work in actively unlearning his prejudices and racism to be a parent to a Black child

i'll read kid fics sometimes in aus, even if it's not my favorite kind of fic, but it really puts me off to see canonverse fics where they're coparenting, and i generally won't even open them, even if i love the author that's writing it

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

does zemo as a whole count? like i think he's a fun character and he's got an interesting morality to get to examine, but people have kind of latched onto him in ways i don't care for, some going so far as to say he was right actually, or to think he's important enough to get sandwiched into all of sam and bucky's stories, and i just don't think so. he was a good villain/self-serving character, and he had a satisfying but open conclusion in the end of tfatws, and i think we can leave it there. bucky's guilt or self worth or whatever doesn't need to depend on zemo, and neither do all of sam's missions henceforth

send me an ask with a # from the choose violence questions list!

#there are a lot of characters and also movies in the mcu i think are overhyped #but none of them are particularly sb focused so i mostly avoid them anyway #thanks for the ask!! #abarbaricyalp #ask #ask meme #ask game #marvel

[mrs-march-ahs]

heheheheheheheheeee nosy anons ask!! doing it. how about 3, 7, please brag about 11, 21, 32 and 33, 39 and 44! expose your darkest secrets 😈😈

wow so many🫶

3: Do you smoke? okay don't tell my mum nonnie❌ no im kidding, i don't becos smoking is yucky. at university literally e v e r y b o d y who i hang out with smokes multiple times a day so it's hard not to try it sometimes, but i just think it's a bit grossssssss menthols are illegal now in the UK so i wont be smoking any time soon, i'll just keep rolling for my friends cause that's the fun part🚭

7: Have tattoos? yes!!! i have 9😈 stick and pokes that I did myself: a lightening bolt on my ankle⚡️, a heart on the other ankle♥️, '222' on my ankle, 'FIREPROOF' because i love one direction on my knee🔥 professional tattoos: i have cherries on my knee and a lobster (friends!) on the other side matching, both in red i have a sun & moon on my thigh and then i have two hearts on my upper thighs, with the words 'mon cher' in one and 'cara mia' in the other, because that's what Gomez & Morticia Addams call each other<3 i could for sure take pictures if anybody wants to see any of them, it's too many to have in this post

11: Best friend? i have soo many besties! my closest best friend (irl) i met on the very first day of high school and now we're in university together<3 she knows a lot about astrology and she helped me write these headcannons. she also used to leave comments on my fics if they got little attention because she didn't want me to be sad<3

on here @undeadcortez @twinkiemaximoff and mostly @merrybaudelaire are my little besties, you cuties you

21: What I love most about myself Cute question. I think the thing I like most about myself is how selfless I am. I really aspire to live a truly hippie life and I assumed altruism is the key to it, but now I'm actually trying to unlearn that.

I'm trying to be more selfish, but it's really hard! Because I just love other people so innocently and so much that I always want the best for others, so I want to help them and cherish them and always make people around me feel the best. I think the fact that I care so much and struggle being really selfish is a lovely thing.

I also get excited easily. I'm just a simple little baby at heart. After years of being around people it seems as though it actually bothers others to be happy and excited about simple things, because people always make fun of me for it, but I still think it's cute. I'm cute. In Denver, when I saw mountains for the first time I teared up. Because they're so pretty.

32: What words upset me the most Anything along the lines of, "Who asked?", "Okay and?", "So?". I was lucky and didn't hear this for years but recently my bestie started saying this a lot because she thinks it's funny :/

I promise I will just never talk again if you say these words to me. If I'm telling somebody something, even if it's not relevant to the conversation, I'm saying it because I care, so for the other person to make it that clear they don't care is 💔

makes me feel so irrelevant, like the conversation would be better without me :/

33: What words make me feel the best about myself I am a touch starved words-of-affirmation little baby so anything. I'm mostly insecure about my appearance so I rarely believe compliments about my appearance.

A friend of mine told me recently that I give the best hugs and I haven't really stopped thinking about it since. Any compliment or reassurance that shows that my personality is good.

being told you smell nice too >>>>

39: My favorite ice cream flavor ok first of all how rude of favorite to not have a u in it🙄

Ben & Jerrys, Peanut Butter Cup or Haagen Dazs, Cookies & Cream

also if you're in a country that still has Zapps I'm jealous, they're also my favourite

44: A random fact about anything A random fact about anything: Getting asks makes me so happy. I savour them and screenshot them and put them in my little folders. Any little interaction I can get my filthy racoon hands on goes straight into my heart.💌

thank you for so many asks nonnie! mwah

#mma personal #mma sweet asks #mma nonnie #nosy asks

[wordsdarkerthantheirwiings]

And here is the second thing that really struck me:

[21/01/20] I still find it difficult and at times frightening to establish boundaries and say no. At work, in my relationships and with, well - everything really. My psychologist pointed out after much discussion of personal circumstances and the past that I have an innate need to be helpful and/or providing something to feel worthy of love.

That was difficult to hear and absorb, but she’s absolutely right. It’s why I constantly put myself forward without being asked, always go out of my way for friends, feel that I need to buy people things to let them know I love them with money I don’t even have. I want to feel helpful, need to feel generous - as if both of those things are checkmarks needed for approval. It is so hard for me to unlearn and stop doing this. I feel guilty for not doing these things, or for standing up for myself and taking time for myself. For putting myself first. It is a hard nut to crack.

Has this improved? Yes, though in one area I’m still holding back.

Though it was so, so difficult to hear this at first, the truth of it sunk in pretty quickly. I started to reflect a lot on those things in my past which made me this way and disconnect from them, one-by-one. Moving into a new company last year where I am, and know I am, well-liked, respected and wanted in different areas was the final stroke which broke this chain. It dawned on me, knowing people were keen on me for the role I’m in now plus two other areas, that I was all of those things despite my weight, appearance and background. And so I realised I’m worthy of love and respect and fixed a lot of my self-image and esteem issues all at once. For all these things, and for my workplace, I am extremely grateful.

And yet in spite of this, romantic relationships are still very frightening to me and I know I’m holding back. But it’s not all because of my own ideas about love and what I deserve. It’s because I still struggle with the idea of real love, that someone can really love me like that, and that a person I bring into my life to be intimately in my space - to be someone I can really open up to when I need it, someone I can trust like that - won’t hurt me the way others who I have supposed to have been able to rely on and trust have before.

It’s funny. I have so many deep, meaningful friendships in my life with people I have known a long time - people who I can meet with after years and yet feel like no time has passed at all. People I’m always connecting with. People who love me. People I can trust. People I know have my back. So it’s not like I know these things aren’t possible, nor that I feel (any longer) that I’m undeserving unless I provide some use. And yet there’s some barrier that is still keeping me away from seeking something that, honestly? I would like to have.

I think, maybe, my resistance to it also comes from having unhealthy romantic examples in my childhood: parents whose fights have descended into things being thrown or broken, grandparents who (as much as I deeply love and miss them) fought all the time. People I had to mediate between, a role that should never be placed on a child. I think it comes from wondering if romantic love is really something that can be healthy and achievable - or rather a fear that I’ll never really find it and instead experience an unhealthy relationship like the ones before me, and therefore pushing the concept of romantic association way the hell away from me.

I keep hoping that I’ll destroy this concept, the way I destroyed the one about needing to be of use. But I think I need another person to talk me through it, which is why I’m going to seek a therapist in a few weeks time. I need someone to challenge me on it in the right way, to throw things back at me in a way that will make me think and therefore deconstruct. I really hope this is the time that I can break this particular chain and move forward because it is something I’d like in my life. I don’t need it, and I feel like that’s important. I’m not sad that I don’t have it. But I would like it; atleast to feel comfortable with the idea of it. I want to break free of what I realise is yet another issue that comes from my past.

#journal post #relationships #romantic relationships #love #self worth #healing #recovery #long post #again (oops) #not negative really - more reflective #i'm thinking out loud