#she called me two school names and my FUCKING deadname because she doesn’t GET IT and im so FREAKING mad at her and she does NOT get a card

[actualtoad]

today was such a day (negative, mostly)

#it’s my sisters birthday #she’s been really stressed because of my parents being so actively vehement at each other all week. she’s okay rn though #um #my friend teacher she/herred me like three four times while introducing me to somebody!!!!!! #and then???? my next hour teacher deadnamed me in front of the entire class because she doesn’t understand having multiple names in multiple #classes and yesterday she was bringing up how a different teacher had called me ari and i was like oh huh yeah okay i go by many names #like trying to be funny and vague about it but then today you know what she did? she called me ari-arthur-anya #she called me two school names and my FUCKING deadname because she doesn’t GET IT and im so FREAKING mad at her and she does NOT get a card #im so pissed im so mad at the two teachers that i thought were probably the most accepting teachers that i’ve ever KNOWN and now here they #BOTH of them on the same day one after another an hour apart!!!! im so pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #and i know that mr hidaka didn’t MEAN it he’s talked to me about gender and stuff like!!!! i know it’s not representative of all of him but #it just hurts really bad that people who i know and love who are SO important to my feeling even a little safe at school #it hurts really bad knowing that they don’t even think of me as myself. that mr h can just forget to use my pronouns makes me want to cry #im so tired of it being something that people have to remember to do. im so tired of this other everything being the default #i need a fucking beard or something i guess. give me some time please!!!! i want to be a teenage boy please!!!!!!!! im so tired!!!! #i had a good morning with mr hidaka mostly like. basically i skipped my first hour class i couldn’t do it today i didn’t want to be there #and i couldn’t do it. so i went to his room how i do. and i said can i stay here. and he said of course i could but i would get marked #absent from my first hour but as long as i was okay with that i could stay. and so i did and i was working on stuff. and then #another teacher showed up. and okay something you guys for sure don’t know about my friend teacher is that he’s a frisbee coach at my school #like he’s in charge of the ultimate frisbee team shdhdf. he’s really into it it’s not really a sport feeling thing but it seems like fun #so anyway the other teacher was like hey (hidaka first name) me and some guys from the team are gonna go throw some frisbees do you want to #and mr h was like. yeah sure!! and he gave me the option between i could stay if i wanted but i could come with too and i said i’d come with #but i cant do frisbee. so it turned out to be the kids from the team and the other coach were doing fancy stuff together and me and mr h #just played some catch and he showed me how to do it and it was really fun and nice and it was really good #so it sucked when then the other teacher was like. so who’s this lovely person anyway? (exact words he said) #and my friend teacher mr hidaka said oh she skipped her first hour so shes here with me #and that hurt my stupid feelings pretty bad!!!!!!! i didn’t say anything though #and then the rest of the day happened. and now im home #all i have left for the rest of the school year is just my chemistry final so im not doing homework tonight #im still making finishing his book into a high priority it’s higher than the project

[shotorozu]

Hi! Before anything I wanted to lyk I've read through some of your work and you've easily become one of my favorite writers :) I was wondering if you could do a bit of a comfort post? If not that's totally okay! If so, could it be hcs for Bakugo, Shinso, and maybe Aizawa (but not in like a relationship kinda way for him, like a student opening up to their teacher) telling them about being gender fluid? What would be their reactions? How would they adjust to the name change and using different pronouns? I recently told my bf and he didn't seem too up for it, eventually I told him to use my given name and she/her, kinda bummed lmao. I totally understand if you don't want to write for this, tysm either way! Have a great night/day :) (I'm so sorry this is so lengthy lmaooo)

reader coming out as gender fluid

character(s) : bakugou katsuki, shinsou hitoshi, aizawa shouta (bnha)

legend : [Y/N = your name, D/N = deadname] gender neutral, quirk not specific

headcanon type : hurt-comfort, fluff (x reader; platonic)

note(s) : first of all, i’m sorry about what happened with your boyfriend, if he cares about you, then he should’ve been supportive. it’s disheartening knowing that you decided to have him address you by your birth name, and by she/her. it should never be that way, especially when you felt comfortable coming out to HIM as gender fluid.

anon, i really hope this post gives you comfort, and if you want to talk— my dms are open!

»»————-　♡　————-««

bakugou katsuki

he wasn’t so sure on why you were acting all skittish all of a sudden, and he just wished you told him what was up

as much as he doesn’t want to admit it, katsuki really hates seeing you this down— and if only he could ‘kill those pesky emotions!!’

after a long day at school, katsuki decided to demand an immediate answer, on WHY you were acting like this

you express your concern, and even though katsuki’s rough words say otherwise— he’s willing to help (as much as he could)

but he wasn’t expecting you to come out as genderfluid

the entire pronoun thing had him confused, and it wasn’t in the “huh?? why would you want that?” type of confusion

it was rather like the “i thought they/them were plural pronouns?” confusion, but don’t be misguided! a quick google search fixed it up, and now he gets it.

with the name thing,, it took him two tries for him to get it right— but he’ll treat you like royalty if he accidentally slips up. he doesn’t mean to disrespect you

out of everyone here— he would be the most confused at first, since he hasn’t had anyone come out to him in like,, ever

katsuki feels so honored to have you feel comfortable enough to come out to him.

everyone is so intimidated by his short-tempered demeanor, to the point that no one has shared such an important, and personal detail to him

he’ll pull you in for a hug, large warm hands rubbing your back— and he’s trying to be gentle, okay?

“you really thought i was gonna say some bullshit about this, huh?” was what he first said to break the silence “i could care less about what you fucking identify with, you’re still you.”

and he means it

if anyone disrespects you, he’s blowing them up into space— enraged that anyone would try to disrespect you.

katsuki’s also very quick to correct someone if they ever deadname you “IT’S Y/N, NOT D/N!”

rip to them

shinsou hitoshi

as soon as he notices that something’s wrong, his eyes will be on you— and only you.

he wishes he had some sort of mind reading quirk— he wants to know what’s on your mind, just so he could help you

hitoshi doesn’t want to be pushy, so he can only wait for you to come to him— but he will leave subtle hints that you could tell him anything that was on your mind.

so that’s when you decide to tell him your worries, and everything— feeling that you’re ready to come out to him as gender fluid

a small genuine smile will grace his face, pulling you into a loose embrace— “thank you for feeling comfortable enough to tell me.”

the next thing he does is ask you if you want to go by anything else— just in case you do want to be addressed differently.

you’ll still be his kitty anyway, so it’s not like this change would negatively affect him.

you’ll never catch him slipping up

i’m sure he’s probably familiar with different types of identities— so gender fluidity isn’t a stranger topic to him

so because of this, he adapts pretty easily— cooperating with the new revelations with ease

rip to anyone that has the audacity to deadname or misgender you, it’s not something he takes very lightly similar to bakugou and aizawa

he’ll understand if it’s a innocent mistake, but he still won’t be pleased with the offender— that’s strike one for him

i swear— his glare will make anyone shart their pants in a second. it’s ruthless

hitoshi won’t hesitate on using his quirk on anyone that purposely disrespects you— and for once, he doesn’t care about what others will say about him.

they shouldn’t have disrespected you 🤷‍♀️ just saying

if you wanted to buy clothes that were a lot more gender neutral, he’s perfectly fine with that too!

hitoshi doesn’t care if you strip him of every single penny and dime that was in his wallet for hoodies and sweatpants.

he just wants your happiness to be at it’s highest at all times— because a happy Y/N makes a happy hitoshi <3

aizawa shouta

even though he has to take care and supervise 23 growing teenagers, he still manages to notice if something’s wrong with one of them it’s impressive!

of course— aizawa’s a busy man, and he’s constantly tired. but, it would make him feel a lot better if all of his students were content with themselves

so seeing you down was something he noticed since the moment you came in

it’s not like he could FORCE you to tell him what was wrong, that’s not the approach he’s looking for

and besides, if you told him that everything was fine, then he couldn’t really push it. his concern didn’t really die down though

a few days later, aizawa decides to talk to you again— basically consenting you to come talk to him when the time’s right

but he didn’t see this coming

so that’s when you decide to come out to him first, spilling out your concerns, and the worries that plagued your mind— worried that people wouldn’t accept your new identity as a gender fluid person

now, aizawa has met a lot of people in his life. from different ages, people with different quirks, and of course— different identities

he asks you why you decided to tell him first, and you told him that it’s because you felt comfortable knowing he knew first

“thank you for telling me, Y/N” he thanks you calmly with a comforting hand on your shoulder “i’m proud of you.”

he asks you if you want to go by a different name, and he’ll make sure to start calling you by that name (even though he calls all of his students by their last name)

oh, and he immediately switches pronouns! i know that should be expected but,, it’s so natural wow

of course, he won’t out you to anyone if you’re not ready to come out to the rest

and because of how natural the pronouns switch is, no one notices it when aizawa started addressing you with they/them

but if you’re ready to come out, he’ll be there— silently making sure that everyone accepts you.

okay but he’ll get so defensive if anyone misgenders you or dead names you— his capture tape will start floating, and his eyes will shine red

which is weird because.. who has the guts to dead name/misgender AIZAWA SHOUTA’s student?? anyone that does that in front of him is INSANE

in short, he’s very supportive— he won’t blow it out of proportion, because he knows how uncomfortable that’d feel if he did

but he’s glad to know that you decided to share such a important detail to him— aizawa might be always tired, but he wouldn’t dare to forget such detail

you’re his student after all, he cares about you lots— if you’re content with yourself, then that’d bring him inner peace

»»————-　♡　————-««

likes and reblogs are appreciated, thanks for reading!

i do not own bnha/mha and it’s characters. boku no hero academia/my hero academia belongs to horikoshi kohei, i only own the writing and i do not profit off of my hobby

do not plagiarize, reupload, translate, or use my works for audio readings without permission

#bnha imagines #bnha x reader #mha x reader #mha imagines #bnha x y/n #bnha fluff #bakugou x reader #bakugou x y/n #bakugou imagines #bakugou headcanons #katsuki bakugou x reader #shinsou x reader #shinsou imagines #shinsou hitoshi x reader #shinsou x y/n #shinsou x you #shinsou headcanons #aizawa shouta x reader #aizawa x reader #aizawa imagines #aizawa x you #aizawa headcanons #bnha headcanons #mha headcanons #gender neutral reader

[four-rabbit]

My best friend died in the 90′

Ok, so, this is part of an ghost AU that I have and probably will be talking about in the future, where Virgil is a ghost and them and Remus are best friends, (this is not the main plot but anyway, like I said, I'll talk about it in later)

However, while this doesn't happen, please have this oneshot about Remus and Virgil meeting each other

Summary: Remus never had any friends, but that changed when he decided to go to the cemetery in the middle of the night, just to meet Virgil, a kid that besides being just as weird as Remus, happens to be dead.

(For a little bit of context: in this fanfic Remus comes from a family where eveyone can speak to ghosts, on his mom side, at least, but unlike Roman, Remus was never able to talk to a ghost before meeting Virgil)

Characters: Remus Sanders, Virgil sanders, mentions to Roman Sanders

Warnings: swearing (specifically a kid swearing), discussions of death, mentions of a fight and bullying.

Obs: in this au Virgil uses exclusively they/them pronouns and Remus uses he/it. This is not a genderbend version of Remus.

I've always been the weird child so it seemed appropriate that my first friend had been dead for more than a decade.

It's a funny story: I had gotten to another fight, I even lost a tooth that day and probably would have lost two if I hadn't run away the moment the fucking coward that called himself a bully invited his friends for help. I may be fast but I can only bite so many people at once.

I didn't want to go home because Roman would be worried and my parents would be angry, which was the usual, but getting bullied was also the usual, didn't mean that I couldn't get tired of it, that's why I decided to go to the cemetery I mean, why not? 

I knew I was far from my house because it took me less than ten minutes to reach it. My parents moved to as far as possible from there the moment Roman was born, the guy can't stand even getting closer to it, which I founded stupid at the time. I would give anything to have the stupid paranormal sensitivity that he was so afraid of instead of being the disappointment of the family.

Turns out he was right for being afraid. 

After a quick look I confirmed that there was no other living soul at the cemetery besides me, so I smiled and sat on the closest gravestone. Mom always said that we should respect the dead and their resting place or else they would teach us a lesson or whatever but I was fine with that because I had decided a long ago that If a ghost showed themself to me it would be the coolest freaking thing ever. I kicked the gravestone weakly, as if knocking on a door. That thought made me giggle as I imagined a ghost appearing in pajamas, angry at me for disturbing them that late at night. I kicked again, this time a little harder. 

"Stop that" someone mumbled besides me. I immediately got to my feet, thinking that the gravedigger had seen me but fortunately I didn't see an angry adult, but a kid. They were using a black hoodie and had equally dark hair falling on their face. They were pale as a dead body, fat and tall, basically the opposite of me, an unhealthily skinny latino little shit. I snorted.

"What are you gonna do about it?" I kicked the gravestone once more. They seemed startled, backing up a little. 

"You- you can see me?"

"Why wouldn't- OH MY GOD YOU'RE A GHOST?!" I screamed not even caring if someone could hear me. Virgil cared. 

"Sshh! I-" they seemed disconcerted but gave up with a sigh "Yes, I'm" 

"Oh! Holy shit! Is that your gravestone?! Is that why you appeared when I kicked it?!" I jumped in excitement, getting close to them to take a closer look at my most recent discovery. 

"No, I just don't think you should kick it. It's disrespectful" 

"Yeah, whatever! Oh my god I can't believe I'm seeing a ghost! Suck it, mom, I knew I could do it too!" I exclaimed to nothing in particular as if she could hear me. "What's your name?"

"No- look, I'm sorry, I didn't think you could see me, I just- I should go" they said in the classic "I want to get rid of you" that everyone used after talking to me for more than five minutes. I started to get desperate, this was my first time seeing a ghost, I wouldn't let them leave that easily.

"No, don't go! I promise that I'm cool! Sorry for kicking your friend's gravestone, I don't know, please stay!" I begged and I guess my irresistible cuteness touched their heart because they turned to look at me again.

"He's not my friend," Virgil explained. "Just an old ghost that doesn't like to be bothered." they looked down shyly and I thought that was cute. "My name is Virgil. What's yours?" 

"My name-" I always hated to tell people my deadname, I just didn't know why at the time "You can call me the Duke because my name is shit I really hate it y'know, it really sucks ass" They probably raised an eyebrow, it was hard to tell with all that hair failing on their face, but didn't say anything besides:

"Why not the duchess?"

"Because I don't want to" replied, crossing my arms as if challenging them to disagree. Virgil looked me up and down, processing my appearance. I was using dirty green legs, a black dress that my mom insisted that I wore for school and an old all star. Their eyes stopped at my face, with my bloody nose and the missing tooth. "What happened to your face?"

"Oh yeah I got into a fight! But it's cool, I'm not afraid of those assholes" now they seemed worried.

"Why did you get into a fight?"

"Just the usual, he stole my lunch, pushed me out of my bike, called me some bad words and I bit him. Y'know everyone thinks blood is so gross but I kinda like the taste." I looked at them, trying to see their reactions. I couldn't see their eyes but I'm sure they widened as Virgil got closer, saying in the same worried tone that Roman used:

"You should be careful! Have you told your parents?! Do you have any friends to walk with you? Or you could tell a teacher! No, forget it, teachers never help, at least not when I was alive. Is there anyone you can trust to protect you?"

"Wow, chill, I can take care of myself"

"I'm serious, Duke!" I rolled my eyes. I hated when people treated me as some fragile girl that couldn't take care of herself. Turned out I just hated that people treated me like a girl. 

"Why do you care? I just met you" 

"Because-" Virgil changed their mind mid phrase. Can't blame them, I wouldn't share my backstory and the reason I died that easily either if I was a ghost. "You seem nice, I don't want you to get hurt" I don't think anyone had ever called me nice by that time. Weird, gross, disturbing, problem child, ungracious I had always heard, but nice was new, even Roman just called me "cool" or "brave" at best. So, of course, I got defensive. 

"Hm. Want me to tell you what he, Peter by the way, is the name of the asshole, yeah, he's a big asshole, what Peter and his friends called me?!" Again, Virgil barely reacted to my swearing and I was starting to get frustrated, it was always an easy way to get some fun reactions, especially from adults.

"Not really…" as they would learn in the years that followed, that kind of phrase rarely stopped me from speaking. 

"He called me a bitch! That's when I bit him, actually, he was like, listen here you little bitch and he pointed his finger at my face and I bit it and I almost ripped it off I swear!" I looked at them, waiting for their reaction, already imagining what it would be. I was young but I had lived enough to mainly aim for negative responses just because they were better than no response at all. Virgil stayed in silence for longer than I wanted which was like the most boring response. 

"How old are you, Duke?"

"I'm going to be nine in three months! How old are you?"

"I died when I was ten." 

"Cool! I was never friends with an older kid!" I was never friends with anyone besides Roman, but anyway. "I mean, you're my friend, right?" They didn't answer immediately, but then Virgil opened a smile and probably decided they were going to protect that little chaotic gremlin.

"Yeah, I guess I’m.”

#ghost au #Dukexiety #remus sanders #virgil sanders #cw swearing #tw death mention #tw bullying mention #rabbit writes

[thatfunkyopossum]

Uhhh so I’m just gonna slap a life update under the cut for anyone who’s curious? Also bc this is my blog and I want to be able to vent wherever the hell i feel like. it’ll be messy.

Alrighty so first things first: My mom is in the hospital with some pretty severe cancer. Hospitalized for several months straight severe. It’s happening because of the treatment from her breast cancer several years ago. I’m fine with this. She’s abusive and is completely fine with how she’s treated me since I came out as trans. I know that she’s fine with it because we’ve talked about it and she said as much.

The real problem with this is that i’m now living with my dad alone because my sister moved out earlier this year. Its just the two of us, four dogs, and two cats. This is a problem because my dad has no healthy ways to deal with his stress and frustration so he takes it out on me. His toxic behaviors that have been harming me my entire life have only gotten worse. He refuses to acknowledge that anything he’s ever done has been wrong, and I mean it when I say he’d do anything to help me be better short of ever changing his behavior.

For example, i told him that when he referred to the house and dishes as belonging to him (for example, saying things like “stop leaving my dishes in your room” referring to the dishes i’ve eaten on in my room. Like, the communal dishes the whole family uses? and has for my entire life?) made me feel like a guest in my own home and like i had no claim to anything he told me i was delusional, that he wouldn’t stop talking like that, and that if I wanted any claim on anything in this house that he expects me to maintain I’d have to start paying to live here. I can’t do that, because I’ve only recently gotten a job (i’ve been trying to avoid it because I don’t want to get sick and hurt my friends) and I have to save up so i can either A) get myself the fuck out of here & transition or B) pay for a school program myself that in two years or so could help me get a decently stable and well paying job.

Also, on the topic of paying rent, both of my parents have completely refused to negotiate with me. I asked them to let me move into my sister’s vacated room (it gets more sunlight, is bigger, and overall would be genuinely much better for my emotional health) and I was informed that I’d need to pay them $300 a month to do that. Mind you, my sister only had to pay a percentage of her paycheck up to $300 a month. My parents would accept her maximum as my absolute minimum. So i’m making do with my cramped space.

Its been 2 years since I came out as trans to my parents. The only person in my family to wholeheartedly embrace me aside from my sister is my grandfather who lives 3 hours away. My dad can’t even consistently call me by my name, still calls me “girl”, and acts like he found out a few weeks ago and its still new. He introduces me to strangers as his daughter and by my deadname. He’s a trump supporting capitalist evangelical christian (both parents are) and has been drinking the voter fraud koolaid and doesn’t wear a mask at his job sites.

Every interaction I have with him has me on edge and nervous. I can’t be my own self in the place where i live, and i’m not even allowed the illusion of thinking that this is actually my own home. Even when he’s gone for days at a time I can’t relax because I have four severely neglected hunting dogs that I cannot help and I can’t take care of to monitor and try and control. I have to keep them quiet because if they start barking at the landlord’s dogs (who are allowed to run around outside off lead) the landlords get angry at us. They’re not leash trained, so I physically cannot walk any of them. Karley was abandoned by my middle sister, and is now basically my responsibility.

Tucker, Karley’s son, was left here by my oldest sister who couldn’t take him with her immediately when she moved away. Both of them are purebred german shorthaired pointers because my dad wanted hunting dogs and then never trained them. They’re never taken on walks. Finley is a miniature poodle who belongs to my mom. She was too lazy to play with him with a laser pointer, so yeah. Zeke is an old standard poodle who is dying and my family will not put down even though he seems absolutely miserable. I cannot care for these dogs. I never asked for them to be my responsibility, but I’m the only one who actually cares about their well being except i can’t help them. I don’t know what to do. Finley’s so smart and I can’t do anything to stimulate his brain. Karley and Tucker are so energetic and I don’t have the space or stamina to exercise them, and I can’t teach them to walk on leads because they’re too hyper but they’re too hyper because they’re never walked and they’re never walked because they don’t know how to walk on leads and i can’t do anything about it. Zeke is in pain and there’s nothing I can do about it!

There’s nothing I can do to help them and because they’re all under stimulated and not trained (my family HAS ACTIVELY REFUSED TO TRAIN THEM SAYING IT CANT BE DONE) they destroy my belongings and what few things I have to my own self and I’m told its my fault when they do. They’ve made this house filthy and foul smelling and theres nothing I can do about it.

I’m trapped here and i’m suffocating and I can’t even assert who I am without risking my shelter.

#jaymes personal #don't reblog

[ma-lark-ey]

Nick Close had never been a very fantastic child. That much was very obvious. Granted, most of the dumb and illegal shit they did was for their fathers attention (however rarely that option actually worked), but it was still dumb and illegal shit.

Tonight was not one of those dumb and illegal nights, however; tonight was still a night Glenn Close could never find out about. Nick prayed he'd never find out about.

Nick had always been closed off from their father. How couldn't they be? When they were little, it was always Nick and Momma at home, while Daddy was on tour or doing shows. Glenn only started being home once in awhile when Mom died. And yes, Nick calls him Glenn. Glenn was never... He was never 'Dad.'

And this, this was certainly one of the things Nick kept tightly closed off from their father. That thing being one of the biggest secrets Nick may ever keep; their gender.

Nick didn't *mind* to be a 'he,' don't get them wrong. Some days, they really enjoyed being a 'he.' But today? Today... Nick was a she. And she couldn't deny that. Some days she felt so fucking confident in her body, like she could throw on a baggy t-shirt and slightly too-big pants with a beanie and fight god. Others, her body felt like someone else's and she wanted to rip her skin off and start over. Dress like those beautiful alternative women she saw on TikTok. With the demonias, fishnets, skirts, ripped up shirts, messy hair. God, some days she didn't know if she wanted to be them, or be with them.

Tonight, she definitely wanted to be them.

She had done up her makeup in the most extravagant way she knew how, eyeliner to the gods. Fishnets under a faux-leather, checkered print pencil skirt she found thrifting with Grant a few days ago. She had one a torn up old t-shirt she'd cut into a croptop and not to mention her Docs. She felt like she could fight god with her chain belts and dramatic jewelry.

Nick knows Glenn would never care if he knew his 'son' sometimes felt more like his daughter, but she wasn't ready to give him that kind of trust. Grant? Grant got that kind of trust. Henry got that kind of trust. The twins got that kind of trust. But not Glenn. Glenn hasn't proved he'd deserved that yet.

And maybe Nick didn't want to take the time to explain why Grant sometimes called her Nickie beyond "Its just a nickname, Glenn."

And she was okay with that. She knew that she wasn't ready. Maybe she'd never be 'ready,' and Glenn wasnt in her life enough for it to matter.

...

Why'd the front door just open? Why is Nick hearing a car lock? Why is the front door opening? Glenn's not supposed to be home from tour until tomorrow. And here Nick is, in the living room. Looking like a pretty well passing woman. She had learned plenty of tricks over her last two years of presenting feminine some days. The lanky, stickman build the had was the one thing Glenn had given to her that she was thankful for.

But the genetics of Glenn Close that were gifted to his child were not the problem at hand. The problem at hand is that *Glenn's home.*

Glenn's home. Glenn's home, and Nick is not in her Glenn Mode. She's vulnerable. Vulnerable to a lot of questions she doesn't want to answer tonight. Doesn't want to have to explain where all this women's clothing came from, nor why she's dressed as one. It can't pass as drag, but she's obviously not in drag makeup. Fuck. Fuck it all. Fuck her life and her shitty decision making skills. Fuck Glenn for never communicating his plans. And fuck the stunned way he's staring at her now.

The awkwardness of the room was palpable at this point. Nick felt like a deer in headlights. Nick felt like melting into the floor and disappearing from the world. Nick felt like her whole world was about to collapse in on itself. What if Glenn hated her, what if he didn't want her to act like this or be this person, what if-

"Well, don't you look nice. Got a date or something, kid?"

Thats... That's not what Glenn was supposed to say. That's not what he's supposed to say! He's supposed to be upset or revolted or-

"I- I uh..." No. No don't cry. Fuck. Why are you crying, Nicholas? Nicole? Fuck what even if your name right now?

Glenn's here. It should be Nicholas. That's your name when you're a boy. But its a girl day. You want to be Nicole today. Glenn is here, and you're Nicole right now. And Glenn is here. And you're Nicole. And Glenn-

She heard a bag drop on the ground and footsteps come toward her. She stepped back and tried hide behind her arms. No words. She can't speak.

Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck.

She remembers the time she went to school in feminine clothes and a couple of guys almost jumped her, before Lark pulled a knife on them and got them both suspended.

Hands grab onto her shoulders, a gentle hold. She can feel the calluses on Glenn's fingers from his guitar. When was the last time he held her?

Her knees feel like jello. She remembers when she started posting on her second TikTok, open about her gender and pronouns because she didn't have to keep up a cisgender face when her dad didn't have the account. And how transphobes sent her deaththreats until she blocked all those words from her comments and the DMs got disabled.

She's a few inches taller than Glenn in her platform Docs. Which she realizes when he pulls her into a gentle hug. She feels makeup running on her face. And she's crying. Why is she crying?

She remembers being ten years old standing at moms grave, standing next to Glenn. Just after the burial. It was the first time she'd seen him cry.

Her chin's on his shoulder now, his arms around her upper torso and holding her against him. She realizes she's shaking. That he's just holding her. He's holding her. Daddy's home.. He's giving her a hug...

She remembers the last time Glenn had hugged her. At Mom's funeral. She was sobbing at her grave, and so was Dad. He pulled her into him and held her so tight. So tight she thought he'd crush her. But he just held, like she was the entire world. Like if he let go he'd loose her to. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, hid her face in the mix of long hair and his suit jacket. He felt like her whole world in that moment, too.

Nickie brings herself back to what's happening. Glenn's holding her, her arms are awkward resting on his back, He's clutching her by the shoulders. She remembers these hugs. The hugs that he used to give her every time he left and came home. The ones he gives where every second of it is embued with love. It felt like that now.

She could tell he loved her. But those words felt like lies in her head.

Lies. Lies. Lies. So many lies. So so many lies.

"I'll be home by nine, Nick." It was a lie, Glenn didn't come home for three more days. "I promise I'll be home on your birthday." He wasn't. "I'll be there." He wasn't. "I'll make it, promise." He didn't. Everytime. Everytime, where Glenn shouldve been, it was Mom. And when Mom died, it was Henry. Or Ron. Or Darryl.

But he's here. Right now. And he's holding her. It doesn't make it okay, it doesn't excuse it. But he's holding her. Her knees go weak, and she crumbles. He crumbles with her.

She sobs, he doesn't force her to say anything. She doesn't return his hug, he doesn't expect her to.

"You're supposed to be mad." Nick mumbled after she doesnt remember how long. Glenn gives a light chuckle and adjusts his grip on her.

"And why would I be?" He asked, not protesting as Nick shoved him off and shuffled back a few inches. It felt weird to be so close to him after sixteens years of so much distance.

"Why wouldn't you be?" She spat, crossing her arms and staring at the ground. "Nick's fucked up again. That's my whole brand! Being a total and absolute fuck up! The disappointment! The druggy, the- the... The mistake." She felt more hot tears behind her eyes. She could feel Glenn staring at her in concern.

"Nick, you are not a fuck up. Or a mistake. Or whatever else. Nick, you're my baby, and I-"

"Then why did you leave? If you're gonna pull that bullshit, and say you love me no matter what, and that I'm your little girl, and that- that you wanted me from the very beginning and wouldn't give me up, why did you leave? Why dont you care now? When you come home, and woopsie! Your son's dressed up like some goth chicken. Why are you acting like everythings fine!? Everything is NOT fine, Glenn!" She hit the floor with her hands and growled in frustration. It wasn't fine.

Glenn stared down and took a deep breath. Then he sighed. "Yeah, I can't blame you on that one, kiddo. Alright, full disclosure, Nick. I already- I knew. I knew about the pronouns, and the name. I knew. Henry told me."

"H- Henry... Did what?"

"He told me. Soon as you told him. He called me that night, let me know what you had said. We have a rule in our group, we've had the rules since Grant came out. If one of the kids comes out as anything, you tell the other dads. Especially if its a name and pronouns thing. Cause, we agreed that since well, we were all kind of one bug cluster fuck of parents to each others kids, it was better if everyone knew who was what. So we didn't fuck it up."

"So you have a rule to out kids to their parents? That's-"

"No! Not any kids. Its just you, Terry, Grant, and the twins. Just you five. Because, here's the thing, Nick- Nickie? Whatever. Us dads? We arent- we're new to the whole queer scene. Its not as normal for us to just fliparoo what pronouns and names we call people as it is for you guys. So, we would practice to each other. When you told Henry you liked being called Nickie, he came to us and essentially said, 'I'm gonna say Nickie to you guys as often as i fucking can do I don't end up deadnaming.' "

Glenn took Nick's hand into his and held it tight. Nick still felt like punching Henry in the fucking face for outting her to Glenn.

"You know that I love you, Nick." Her body went rigid at that. And she looked uo at him, glaring as hard as should mister with how fucking teary eyed she was.

"Do I? Do I know that you love me, Glenn?" And his face fell. It was like she just sucked his soul out of him. Good. That should be one hell of a wake up call.

"Nick, of course I love you. What would ever make you think I didn't love you?" Nick but her lip, thinking over her words before she said them. She thought on a lot of things.

"You left. My mom died, and you left. My *mother* was dead and you went back to touring in a matter of weeks. My mother was dead, and I was ten years old. And I was home, by myself, for weeks. Glenn, I was alone for months. Sure, there the nanny. But that wasn't Mom or Dad. I needed my parents. I needed my dad. I needed my dad to give me a hug, promise me it'd be okay. That we were okay. And he fucking left. He walked out that door, didn't come back for months, only called every three weeks. Missed birthdays, holidays, soccer games, and whatever the fuck else. Why on gods green earth would I think that you loved me when you fucking abandoned me, Glenn? Why? Would you think I loved you if I fucked off to god knows where after being home for just a couple days? Huh? If when I found out you'd been up in drug city with your mates and getting caught by cops doing a bunch of stupid shit, all you got was a slap on the wrist and a phonecall that last three minutes?"

Glenn stared at the ground for a long time. He didn't speak. And he pulled her back into a hug, practically dragged her across that distance to hold her again. Hold her like the whole world depended on Glenn never letting go again. Like if he let go everything would come crashing down, like Nick was the entire fucking world and he just wanted to protect her. He held her like he had when Mom died.

"God, Morgan... He's just like you." He mumbled, clutching Nick so tight she couldn't breath. She didn't care he used the wrong pronouns, she didn't care he'd barely even addressed the elephant in the room, she didn't care her heel was digging painfully into the back of her other leg. Her dad was here. He was holding her. He was making sure she knew he loved her. Dad finally came home.

Glenn let out a painful sob into Nick's shoulder, he said something. Nick thinks it was an apology, but between the sniffles and the hiccups and layers of clothing, its impossible to tell. Glenn pulled her up into his lap, held her like he would when she was five or six. Her head on his shoulder, his arms around her middle as he sat horizontal across his lap. Her legs were too long to curl up like they used to, so they sat awkwardly half-stretched across the floor. It was nostalgic in a way. It felt Glenn was just realizing how many years he'd wasted. How much time with his child he had lost.

"I'm sorry, Nick. Im- I didn't realize. I'm so fucking sorry, Nick." He was still crying. Crying more than Nick had ever seen him cry. She could hear the self-hatred and the regret in his voice. She reached an arm around his neck and pulled him that much closer.

"Just don't leave again... Please, Dad." Nick doesn't remember that last time she had called him 'Dad.' But, it felt right in that moment. It hasn't felt right in a long long time.

#this is a whole mess of angsty Close boys #genderfluid Nick is the only kind I will accept in my writing anymore #dndads #dungeons and daddies #Glenn is a shit dad but I will accept a redemption arc for him

[rwbwby-writes]

Master Key (Snippet)

As the two friends stood there beside the gravel road, stretching their legs and breathing in the crisp spring air, a chipper pop tune startled them both. Gage pulled his smartphone out of his pocket and grimaced when he saw a familiar face on the screen.

“It’s my dad.”

Tali offered him a sympathetic look as he tried to delay the inevitable. A few seconds before the ringing would stop, Gage pressed the green button and put the phone to his ear. Bile rose in his throat along with his pitch as he offered a quick “Hello?” and Tali watched as her best friend’s face fell. His father’s cheerful voice was just loud enough to catch the full conversation.

“Hey kiddo! Just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing. You haven’t forgotten your dear old Dad, have you, sweetheart?”

“No, no, of course not. We’ve just been busy, that’s all.”

“Oh, that’s right, that’s right! Your little road trip with, what’s her name again—Tori? Ally?”

“Her name is Tali, Dad. My best friend, remember? We went to middle school together.”

“Right, right. She’s a smart one. Always liked her. A little ‘artsy’, though. Tell you what, when you come back, how about I take you girls out to dinner sometime and you can tell me all about your adventures?”

“Sure, that’d be fun.”

“Come on, ——, at least try to sound excited.” He had said a name Tali hadn’t heard in years. She saw Gage’s breath catch in his throat.

“I-it sounds like a good time,” Gage stammered.

“Great! Well, let me know if you run into any trouble, okay? I don’t want to see you two on the news!”

“Right, of course. I’ll let you know.”

“Sure, sure. Stay safe out there!”

“Yeah, we will. Bye, Dad.”

Gage slid his phone back in his pocket and sighed. The sounds of distant traffic grumbled through stagnant air. Without speaking, Tali wrapped her arm over his shoulder, taking care to not catch one of her many bracelets in his long hair. As soon as she did so, she began to feel the weight he’d been carrying there. They were hundreds of miles from home, yet he looked as if he’d never left. Tears began welling up in his eyes, and although he tried to blink them away, they persisted, until eventually he gave in. Every breath seemed to scrape against his throat, and his chest tightened.

“I’m so sorry,” Tali whispered, and she meant it.

“It’s been five fucking years,” Gage spat. “You would think—”

“—he’d know by now,” his friend finished for him as he choked on another breath. “I mean, you’ve got a deep voice! And a beard! You don’t even sound—”

“—like his daughter.” He finished this time. “But he only sees what he wants to see.”

Tali let out a sharp breath through her nose and rolled her eyes. “Your dad’s as blind as a bat, then.”

“You know bats aren’t actually blind, right?”

“Well, yeah, they echolocate, or whatever.” She opened her mouth, crossed her eyes and let out a high-pitched screech, causing her friend to laugh through tears. “Look, I’m Gage’s dad!” she said in a squeaky falsetto. “I eat bugs all night and shit all over your car!”

Gage wiped his eyes as he began to laugh harder. “I don’t think—” He paused to swallow and catch his breath. “I don’t think bats hang around cars much. You’re thinking of geese.”

Tali thought for a moment and grinned. She patted his shoulder. “That’s even better, then. He’s a goose! I always hated those things.”

“Yeah, they’re awful, right? If Hell exists, it’s probably filled with them.”

The mood lifted for a moment, and a sunbreak through the clouds briefly filled the area with warm light. Gage wiped away another tear and leaned in against Tali. “You know, it’s kind of funny. I always thought…” He let out a deep sigh. “I figured, you know, once I got top surgery, he would finally see how happy I was, how much more I felt like myself, and he’d stop calling me by my deadname. I wanted so badly for that to be the tipping point for him, that he’d finally realize I’m not just trying to be different to piss him off.

“I mean, my mom was there for me from the start!” he continued as the tears began to fall again, harder this time. A few made their way into his mouth as he spoke. They tasted like saltwater. Like home. “We had our bad times, sure, but she never—” He choked back a sob. “She never threatened to kick me out. She never tried to cut me off, or call me a disgrace, or…”

His shoulders were shaking now, and Tali wrapped both arms around him, pulling him closer into a tight hug. She could feel his heart pounding like a jackhammer in his chest. For a moment, he felt like his scars would bust open, that everything he held so close would leak out and leave him with nothing. They stood there for what felt like hours as his strangled sobs struggled to escape. The sun had vanished behind the clouds again, and the whole world seemed to dull once more.

“Do you remember that big fight I told you about, Tali? Right after I went on testosterone?” His voice was soft now, muffled further against the fabric of her black cardigan.

“Yeah,” she replied, closing her eyes. “I do.”

“He told me…I wasn’t his son. He looked me in the eyes and said ‘You’ll never be my son. You’ll never be “Gage.” You’ll always be my daughter named—”

The sound of his deadname on his lips brought forth another round of tears, and he curled his fingers against Tali’s shirt as she began to slowly rub his back in small circles, just between his shoulder blades.

“You’re not his daughter anymore, though,” Tali said softly. “And someday, he’s going to see that.” She tried to sound convincing, and a small part of her felt guilty for not believing it herself. If Gage caught on, he certainly didn’t show it.

“Do you want to know the worst part? He doesn’t even remember saying this stuff at all. It’s not that he denies it. He just…doesn’t remember. As if it never happened. He’ll never apologize for it because he doesn’t think it actually happened.” He swallowed hard once more, trying in vain to push down the lump in his throat. “I’ve been aching to just be myself for so long, though. I pushed it down for his sake, ran from it, acted like if I didn’t face it, it would just…”

“Disappear?”

He nodded. Tali felt herself getting choked up as she loosened her hold. A few stray tears welled up and fell onto her best friend’s shirt. Gage looked up and smiled weakly. “Hey, you’re not supposed to cry, too!”

Tali just chuckled and pulled him into another tight hug. “It’s part of my job, okay? I can’t just let you cry alone. That’s a miserable way to be.”

“Come on, Tali, I’m all out of Kleenex!” he protested.

“We’ll just buy some more at the next rest stop, okay? Maybe we can grab some root beer and candy, too. How’s that sound?”

“You hate root beer.”

“Yeah,” she replied. “But it’s your favorite, so we’re getting some. Who knows? Maybe it’ll grow on me.”

He just laughed as the two broke their embrace. “Doubt it,” he said with a smile as he brushed his hand against each cheek. They began heading down the short gravel path toward Tali’s parked car. The sun peeked through the clouds once more, its blinding light reflecting off of the car’s side mirrors. Gage opened the door and slid into the passenger seat as Tali started the car and turned up the radio. A local channel was in the middle of a weather report.

“Cloudy skies today with a chance of rain going into the evening. If you’re thinking about yard work, you might want to put it off until tomorrow.” Gage began flipping through channels until he landed on an alternative rock station from a nearby city. It was playing some grunge song he hadn’t heard in a while, but he couldn’t recall the name.

“Good enough,” he said as Tali pulled out of the side road and onto the main one. As they passed by acres of farmland and forest, their alien companion seemed to still be snoozing comfortably in the backseat, and they let their minds settle on more comforting affairs.

For a few hours on that sunny afternoon, they were untouchable.

#tz writes stuff #scifi #master key #gods i'm so proud of this #this was nearly 1500 words long which is like half of an average chapter #this would be the second half of the chapter #i'm so goddamn proud of myself holy shit #just took a couple hours of work and i hand-wrote it first and edited it once there #then typed it up and edited it again #i'm going over a third edit right now

[einlov]

Knife to a fist fight.

A story between two troublemakers. 🔪 + 🌸 

🌸~🔪|   Featuring: Male-to-Female reader!   | 🌸~🔪

Warning: Transphobia and Violence.

Playful warning: The best parents in the damn world! 🏳️‍⚧️

Setting: School! (elementary-ish??-middle?)

Day: Valentine’s Day

Word count: ✰ 13k ✰

Children’s laughter and screams fills the sunny atmosphere. The temperature is above 75 degrees, but the soft wind cools everyone down. I continue to play with my rock collection, they all have names, but there’s one that stands out from the rest. The rock is fragile, it seems to break when under pressure, even if it’s a simple squeeze. I tend to keep that rock away from the others as the rock doesn’t feels accepted from the others. Staring at the rock, I hear my teacher calling back the class, dusting off I collect the collection and walk over to the teacher.

We all head into the bland classroom and take our seats. I take the table that has no one around it. The teacher stands in front of the classroom, “Now, we can finally pass out our Valentine’s candies. Remember, if I see a wrapper on the floor though the passing out will be canceled.” The room erupts with sighs and “yes ma’am!” In a flash students head for the backpacks and hands out candy and cards to their friends. All I can do is watch. After everyone passed out their goodies, I was empty-handed. The teacher flashes me a sad smile and continues to help other students with passing out goods. The table near me looks back at me and laughs, they continue with their gossip. Bitting my lip I stare at my lap, I was wearing the skirt for our uniforms. The school almost kicked me out because ‘I’m a male’. Thanks to my parents, they kept me in the school by cursing out the principal and threatening legal action. They are and will always be my supporters. Helping me feel more comfortable with myself, mom covered my face in subtle makeup and I wore bows in my hair. That didn’t stop the teasing though, “You know, my mom told me that sinners don’t get good things.” I look up at the girl at the nearby table, she leans near my table with a smirk. Her friend joins in, “Yup, and my mom said that people like you deserve to burn in hell.” The boy across from them stares at me, “God don’t like ugly!” They all laugh in unity. My face is blank, I’ve heard that comment for the whole school year. I simply ignore them and go back to staring at my favorite rock in my jacket pocket.

The period is finally over after continuous nasty comments and hits with candy pieces. One piece hit my eye, all I can see is floaters from that eye. When they were confronted by the teacher they said it was an accident. She believed it. I sigh while walking to gym class. I was staring at the two lockers rooms, the coach demands me to go into the boys locker room as she says, “Look, as long as your name is (deadname), you will still be put into the system as male. I’m sorry, but you need to go in there.” I sigh and head to the boys locker room slowly. All I hear is my heart beating rapidly, then a high-pitched voice catches my attention, “HEY YOU! What are you doing?!” I look back to see a girl with blond pigtails. She skips towards me, “Can’t you read? That’s the boys locker room, the girls locker room is over there!” She holds onto my arm and guides me into the locker room, I search around for the coach’s attention, she was nowhere to be found. I’m trying to pull away but her grip is way more tight. When we are near the lockers, girls stare at me blankly and whisper to each other. The blond girl looks back at me with one eyebrow up, “Well, where’s your clothes?” I look down at my feet, they are in the boys locker room, in my locker. She sighs, “You aren’t the talking type hm? Well that’s okay! I have a feeling we are going to be friends anyway!” I smile softly at the ground, she shoves shorts in my arms, “I’ll wear my shirt and you wear my shorts ok?” I nod slowly, looking around the room I spot the restrooms and enter a stall. This uniform shirt looked weird with the pink shorts, but I couldn’t help but to feel good in them. As I walk out the stall a full body mirror is in front of me. I admire the shorts, but can’t help but to reach for my flat-chest. All the girls at least have a bump in their chest area, but me. All my mind says is, ‘Because you’re a male.’ I sigh and walk over to the girl’s locker, she stands up and smiles at me. I smile sadly at her, “...thank you.” She nods extremely fast, “You look adorable! You even wear it better than me!” She puts on a fake pout, I can’t help but to smile widely. Her arm links with mine as she skips for the exit of the locker room. When we reach outside, boys that came out of their locker room glares at me. The coach runs up to me and scolds me for not entering the boys locker room. The girl beside me stares at the teacher blankly, I stare at the ground while closing my eyes. The coach sighs and rubs her forehead, “Don’t do that again! Just for that your grade is dropping 20%.” I roll my eyes while she walks away and guides the class to the court near the locker rooms. The girl near me whispers, “Bitch.” I choke on my spit and stare at her, she smiles at me gently. We both stare, laughing as we walk to the court, together.

The heat wave hits us hard as we all jog around the court. The court is wide and surrounded by basketball hoops. The blond girl kept up with my pace, she would shove some people out of our way and tease people...did I join in the taunting? YES. Oh, did it feel good, to see their faces when the blonde silently theatened them if they said something back, it was a sight. Though, that didn’t stop a kid named Liam, he is from my previous class, teasing me. The blonde pushed him out of the way as he was about to crush us into the fences near us. Liam sped up and looked back with a scolding face, “What was that for?” The blonde rolled her eyes, while my confidence grew bigger as the seconds passed near her, I said with my eyebrow connected, “Well, I don’t know, it’s not like you almost crushed us into the wired fence.” He sizes me up and down, “The fuck did you say to me he-she?” The three of us stop running as he proceeds to get in my face. My hands are shaking by my side, I can feel my eyes stinging, the heat from the sun couldn’t compare to the amount of heat my face produced. “Tch, who are you scaring? She will say it again!” The girl near me stares at me with a smirk, with all of the kids running we were covered. Though, some kids started forming a small circle around us as I open my mouth. My jaws feel like it’s going to lock in, the only noise that comes out of my mouth is a small “yeah...”. The blonde’s lips form a upside down curved line, she looks me dead in the eye and say, “Boys aren’t suppose to lay their hands on us, so, if he even tried he would get in trouble. And not just by the school.” Her eyes narrow as she says that last sentence, she holds my hand near her. I breathe and look straight at him, “Yeah...where’s your manners? Haven’t your...mom taught you how to treat...a lady- ladies?” He gets in my face and huff, “You ain’t a lady, girl, or woman, boy. You want to know what my mama taught me?” He is 4 centimeters from my face, the grip of my hands gets loose. My eyes are dilating, he continues, “When someone messes with you, you knock some sense back into them.” There was no more talking, a punch was thrown...

The circle leans back as the boy falls back from the blonde punching him square in the jaw! He stands back up and rubs his jaw, instead of tackling her, he aims at me. My first fight has begun. The circle erupts with gasp, cheers, and taunts. I fall onto the ground as he grabs for my collar, with all his weight on me I struggle to get on top of him. The coaches shouts are far but are approaching quickly, with my face turnt to the direction of the coaches voices, he takes the opportunity to punch me in my face.

And another one.

And another.

Another.

Again.

And...

Again.

...

Tears spill out of my eyes as my mouth collects dust. He takes a small break to get off me, I turn my head to spit out blood, feeling on my busted lip and searching for the blonde. When I spot her she being held by one of Liam’s friends. She continues to try to kick his...nuts as she is in front of him with her arms linked together, behind her. We catch each other’s eyes, she yells, “GET UP.” I watch Liam’s friend lift her up and throw her down into the dirt. The pain from my face is ignored as the adrenaline helps me get back up. My vision goes red. Liam stares at me with a smirk and his arms crossed, he walks around me and watches the coach approaching. Taunting me. Before I knew it, I lunge onto someone.

STRIKE ONE-

My vision is blurry, but my hands kept going...I shouldn’t punch this hard nor rapidly, but I couldn’t help by release my emotions through rearraging Liam’s friend face! 

STRIKE TWO-

I wasn’t raised like this. Mom always said that words spoke louder than fist, but it felt good. Every hit felt like I was hitting a ball on a bat, my arms are shaking, my bows are scattered around us the others hung from my hair, but I can’t deny that it felt good to stand up again and-

STRIKE THREE-

Be needed and supported. I’m doing this for me and for my new...friend. If someone taught me something it would be ‘When someone messes with you, you knock some sense back into them’. T-ha. I guess Liam isn’t so bad after all, at least for life lessons. I have a feeling he’ll be on the TV for aggravated assult. 

The blonde is near me holding back Liam from getting to me, her hair is pointing in all different directions, our clothes are covered in dust and dirt. Liam is trying to restrain from hitting her, but she keeps on swinging and biting. The crowd is hopping, some people recorded. It felt like we were animals at the circus, entertaining to please their boredom. I look down at my hands, Liam’s friend is barely responsive, he is covering his face with his arms...mom is going to be disappointed in me. 

I look back towards the blonde, she is reaching into her black slippers, Liam lays on the ground trying to kick her away. The sun hits a shiny surface from her hands, she does a small flick to the object, it’s small, it looks like she is gripping the side that has a handle...is that...a knife?!

I get up and reach for her from behind, but the sound came up already.

                                              SWOOSH

My vision and hearing goes in and out as everyone in the fight was swung off each other. I was pinned down by one of the school officers, the blood of Liam was near my face, his blood was absored by sand near the concrete of the court. The blonde’s pocket knife was stained with his ruby colored blood, she quickly put it back into her shoes as the other school officer chased her. She climbed the fence and made a run for it...without me. The crowd is still around, the last thing I hear is screams, shouts, and cheers. My body relaxes, my eyelids drop.

           __________________________________________________

The sound of a silky voice clouds my hearing, then that voice started to up their tone. The yelling came and my eyes are opened. Raising up was difficult, my back felt like it was on fire, I couldn’t feel my legs. The room that surrounded me was very clean and quiet, the hallway wasn’t so quiet. I was placed on a patient’s bed, it’s hard, but the covers around me were fluffy. A bottle of water sat on the table near me, I glup the water in three attempts. A nurse comes in and checks the room, “Oh, you’re awake. Good, your mother have to leave. So, you will be going home. Do you feel any pain?” I shake my hand to represent ‘kinda’. She nods and checks on the cuts and bruises that covered my body, mainly on my arms and face. Luckly, my facial features weren’t in too much damage from Liam’s attack. I wince while remembering the beatdown that occured to Liam’s friend. 

A yell comes from the hallway, “YOUR CHILD CAUSED ALL OF THIS, I HOPE YOU ARE READY FOR COURT-” 

That silky voice counters, “COURT MY ASS. THAT DEMON YOU PROCREATED HIT MY CHILD, MAYBE IF YOUR SON LEARNT SOME MANNERS HE WOULDN’T HIT GIRLS.”

The other woman screeched, “YOUR CHILD ISN’T EVEN A GIRL!”

There is silence.

“BITCH.”

Screams and shouts are erupting from the hallway, the nurse dashes out of the door. 

“Honey! Please calm dOwN-”

“PUT DOWN THE HEELS, SWEETHEART-”

“Ah...fuck it. THAT’S MY WIFE AND I’M PROUD, GET HER BABE!”

A small smirk appears on my face, ah, yes, my parents. ‘Words speak louder than fist’. T-ha. How is she going to explain this to me?

I walk slowly to the door, my legs feel like it’s going to give out, but I made it. The door is opened slightly, I could see my mom holding onto the woman’s hair, my dad is collecting her stuff off the floor like her heels, the woman is screaming as my mom dogs her out, I was afraid the woman’s face was going to fall off! Liam is behind the woman, he is trying to pull her away from my mom. A sick smiles marks my face, it doesn’t feel good hm Liam? To watch someone you care about endure this...karma is a beautiful thing. Through all the things I’ve been through, it’s not enough, he should consider himself lucky, my mom isn’t the one for letting scum go easily. 

My dad’s eyes fall on me, he is mouthing the word, “Get. In. The. Car.” I nod and grab the keys he kicks to me from the floor. 

After making my escape from the school, I turn on the engine and turn on some music while waiting for my parents. 

Minutes pass, my parents came out, my dad is carrying mom out of the school, something brown is in mom’s hand, hair. I couldn’t contain the chuckles that escaped my mouth. Dad opens the passagers door and places mom in the seat gently, he even placed kisses on her cheek as she continued raving about “the bitch”. He shakes his head while smirking at me, my smile becomes wider as I try not to laugh. He walks around the car and settles into the driver’s seat, we all buckle up and prepare for a long ride. 

“I mean, who did she think she was? A lawyer? The bitch works at the local coffee shop, I should have theatened her with law, as I ACTUALLY have a damn degree in law.”

A lawyer that commits crimes, in this case, assult. Ah, you’re doing great mom.

My dad nods and continues to listen to her rants, my mom opens the sun visor to check herself out. Her make up looks untouched, her hair remains in perfect conditions, nails are still on, her professional outfit is still black and tidy. I turn to the window to look at myself, geez, is that Satan herself? 

“I still look good, don’t I love?”

“Definitely.”

She smiles at him and leans to kiss his cheek, his lips perk up. I couldn’t help myself, “eww.” 

Dad laughs while reaching for mom’s hand, she takes his hands and looks back at me, her smile fades. Her authoritarian voice appears and her face is stone. Sigh, it begins. 

“Syria.”

She’s using middle names...great.

“Yes, ma’am?”

“You know what I’m going to say hm?”

I nod while crossing my arms and slouching.

  .                              .                                     .

“WHY IN THE HELL, DID YOU GET INTO A FIGHT?! DIDN’T I TELL YOU ABOUT KEEPING YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF?! ARE YOU TRYING TO GO TO COURT?! DID YOU KNOW I HAVE TO PAY FOR A KID’S MEDICAL BILLS, BECAUSE YOU DECIDED TO BUST THEIR FACE IN?! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?! SYRIA, ANSWER ME, DID YOU LOSE YOUR DAMN MIND?!”

“Um, n-”

“HUSH, AIN’T NO ONE TELL YOU TO SPEAK, I’M NOT DONE!”

Geez, it was hard to not roll my eyes, but I was afraid if I did, I wouldn’t have them anymore.

“MEDICAL BILLS AREN’T CHEAP, YOU THINK MONEY GROW ON TREES?! WHERE IS THIS?! WHERE IS IT?”

She points to her head while getting close to my face, I breathe in and out.

“NOW I HAVE TWO PARENTS ON MY ASS, BOTH OF THEM CAN SUE ME AND YOUR FATHER! ESPECIALLY WHEN A DAMN WEAPON, WEAPON, WEAPON!!!! WAS IN THE FIGHT. YOU CARRYING KNIVES NOW!?”

“Mom, I didn’t carry the knife, the blonde did! She-”

“YOU JUST REMINDED ME, WHO IS THIS NEW FRIEND OF YOURS?! WHAT’S HER NAME?! AND WHAT KIND OF FRIEND RUNS TO LEAVE THEIR OWN FRIEND IN TROUBLE?! IS SHE YOUR REAL FRIEND?! WHEN DID YOU MEET HER?! IS SHE NEW?!”

I started to grip my hair and stare down at the floor, all I could do was sigh and breathe heavily.

“Love, stop, let her breathe, you know she wouldn’t start a fight willingly. Let her explain.”

Dad looks back at me slightly, a sympathetic smile is sent my way. Thank you dad. Mom breathes out and sits back in her seat. My breathing slowly regulates to the normal speed, ungripping my hair I put my hands into my lap, and look up. Mom is facing forward, she grips onto dad’s hand harder, and uses the other hand to rub her forehead.

There is silence for at least 10 minutes. We are close to home.

“Syria...why? How did it start?”

“Well, um...”

I explain EVERYTHING, I rather not be in more trouble.

“Hm, well that would explain most things like where you got the pink shorts, and who it even started it in the first place.” Sigh.

I nod, “Yup, it all leads back to the blonde. Honestly, mom, I don’t know her. I don’t believe I’ve seen her around the school before. Also, SHE was the one that carried the knife! I was trying to prevent that cut, as much as I hate Liam, I knew you were already disappointed in me. I didn’t want to disappoint you two more.”

Finally, comfortable silence, or at least comfortable enough to speak confidently.

Dad speaks up, “See, I’m telling you, we raised a good kid. You should have known she wouldn’t cause any of this.”

Mom nods slowly, “Hm, yes, but, she did antagonize him.”

“Mom, I remembered what you said to me, if I couldn’t lay my hands on him, I went to the first best thing, words.”

Dad chuckles, “That’s my kid, use her words against her, hurt doesn’t?” He leans near her to stick his tounge out at her, she rolls her eyes with a smile. 

“Shut up, anyway...I did say that...touché.”

Me and dad’s laughs fills the car, mom only smiles and looks back at me.

“Alright, alright, I’ll give you that one, but you are still going on punishment for BREAKING that same rule you are shoving in my face. Also, you better stay away from that girl, she’s no good. You and her have been placed on suspension for a week and recieved a referral. You will be doing housechores until you go back to school, no ifs, ands, and buts.”

“Yes ma’am.” 

Dad inputs with a smirk, “Speaking of fighting, what about your fight Ms. Mike Tyson?”

Mom chuckles and dusts off her shoulder, “Nobody talks about our daughter without getting a can of whip-ass.”

Dad nods, I smile at mom, she looks back at me and smiles back.

“Look at me, you come from a place of love, you understand? I’ll be damned to let a little hoodlum and the mother disvalue you, because you are everything with a bag of sunflower seeds, you understand?”

My teeth are showing at this point, “Yes, ma’am, tell me something I don’t know.” I dramatically flip my messy hair, a bit of dirt comes out of it. 

Mom warmheartly laughs, dad smirks back at me before parking into the garage.

While dad stops the car, he collects mom’s belongings. Mom stops me from getting out and says, “Syria, listen to me, don’t be like me, be better than me. I shouldn’t have put my hands on that...woman. It was legally wrong, but sometimes our morals get in the way. Whatever you choose don’t let your emotions control you, you have a brain for a reason, use it. Also, take a shower you smell.”

I chuckle slightly and nod, she leans and kisses my forehead. 

We get out and all settle at home.

A knock on my door interupts my thoughts, “Come in, please.” My dad’s head pops into the room, “Hey angel, I wanted to speak to you about what happened eariler.” I nod while crossing my legs on the bed. He walks in and sits by me.

“Firstly, what you did was irresponsible and in result, me and your mom are possibly going to face...ok likely going to face legal actions.”

I nod slowly, a small sad smile is all I give.

“But, we love you nevertheless, please stay out of trouble.”

Nodding, he continues.

“Now, with that new friend of yours...I don’t know her personally, so I don’t believe she is bad for you per se. I believe she left you for a reason. Why would she leave you after trying to defend you? That doesn’t add up.”

Hm. That’s true. She did punch Liam to get him to leave me alone, I’m sure she didn’t expect him to attack me, but, why? Why leave me behind? 

Dad yawns and continues, “Anyway, in that fight you mentioned something...those punches you served to the friend! Show me what you got champ!”

I laugh and punch the air with a pathetic attempt at a punch, dad leans back and dramatically falls off the bed, “Geez! Are you training with Ms. Mike Tyson up there?!” We both laugh loudly as he gets off the floor and dusts himself off. 

He holds onto my shoulder and says with a warm smile, “We love you, don’t forget that! Also, remember what I said about that girl, there’s always two sides of the story.”

I nod rapidly and he places a kiss on my forehead. I use to hate those kisses they gave me, it made me feel like a child, but love doesn’t age. After saying night, I settle for bed...and morning chores. Sigh.

Happy Valentine’s Day to me.

                 _________________________________________

                                                   SNAP.

My eyes open automatically. 

                                                  Rrrrrrr....

What. In. The. World. 

From the end of my bed the moonlight that hits my cover is not in their scattered positions. The light is completely intact...even though the window has a “t” frame in the middle of it. My window is open. 

I lean up and stare straight ahead at the window, well I was right, the window is up and a small hand is entering the window. 

I freeze.

All I was able to do was watch the figure enter and trip on the frame of the window, hitting the hard wood floor in my room. 

I finally hop out of the bed and run to the figure. Before the figure could get up or say something, I punch them square on the face. I repeatedly hit the figure while they huff and cover their face. 

“Wrong house, you scum!”

“ACH. GEEZ, I TRY TO HELP YOU OUT AND THIS IS HOW I AM REPAID?!?!”

My fist freeze in the air, the figure kicks me in the stomach, I hit the end of my bedframe. The figure dashes to my lamp on one of my bed stands, like that I see the person clearly. 

I turn around fully to look at her, the girl that got me in trouble.

“Wat-what-WHAT IN THE WORLD!?! I-I-WHY AND HOW?!?! I-?!?”

She sighs and rubs her arms, unbothered. 

“You suck at greeting friends! Is that really how you treat friends?”

My eyebrows connect, my fist are balled up, “Friends? Friends?! Friends don’t leave their friends to make a run for it!”

“Sorry?...”

“SORRY?! THAT’S IT?! SERIOUSLY?!”

I back her up onto my bed stand, my lamp is tipping over. 

“BECAUSE OF YOU WE CAN’T GO TO SCHOOL FOR A WEEK, THAT’S A LOT OF WORK TO MAKE UP. THEN I HAVE HOMECHORES. THOUGH, WHAT REALLY PUSHED ME TO THIS ATTITUDE WAS YOUR RESPONSE TO BEING IN TROUBLE, YOU RAN. THEN, YOU POP UP IN MY HOUSE TO SAY SORRY?! REALLY?!”

She stares at me, “Yes.”

I grab onto her hand and walk her to the window, turning to her, “Get out. All you did was cause trouble. I don’t want to be friends with you. But before you leave, tell me why.” 

She closes her eyes and drops her head, “I’m sorry.”

I roll my eyes, “Ugh, get out-”

She continues, “I have caused trouble today, but if you believe I regret what I did, you’ll be mistakened. I did my duty as a friend. I didn’t want you to get in trouble, it was all games at first, I didn’t expect this.”

My grip on her hand gets weaker.

She raises her head to look me in the eyes, “I don’t have parents. That’s why I ran.”

I let go of her and stare wide-eyed at her. She blankly stares and continues, “You know what happens to parentless kids?”

I nod, “Orphanage.”

She nods. 

There is silence for a couple of minutes, she walks to my bed, and pulls snacks out of her uniform pants and place them on the bed.

“I ran around the school to get them off my trace. When they lost me they placed a missing child report, while I was hiding in the bushes in front of the school, I waited to see if you were a bus rider or car rider. Luckily, your parents picked you up earlier than the dismissal bell. I followed your car by using the crosswalks and sidewalks. When I was near your neighborhood I lost your car, so I stopped by the store and got snacks. I visited every door and peeped in each house to find yours. I was placed in school without parents by using my parents names for my school files, even though they left me years ago, with fake IDs and signatures I was placed in a school.”

                                  .                           .                            .

Lost of words...my dad wasn’t kidding when he said ‘there’s always two sides to a story’. Since I was focused on my emotions so much I didn’t notice her clothing. It was the same clothing I seen her with at gym, Liam’s blood still rest on her shirt. Her slippers are tearing up, must be from all of the running she did. Her pegtails are slanting, her shirt and school pants are dusty and covered in dirt. Her face was all most grey from the dirt, the cuts are uncovered and filled with dirt. 

Well, now I feel bad. Even with me hitting and yelling at her, she still got me some snacks to make up for her mistake, something she can’t even afford...

“Toga.”

I say, “Uh?...”

“My name is Toga. I hope you like chocolate, it’s the least I could do.”

“...thank you.”

I walk to my clothing drawer and grab a pair of nightclothes, Toga sits on my bed and watches me.

“Toga, go to my bathroom and change, my parents are sleeping upstairs, you should be fine. The bathroom is across my room.”

She raises one eyebrow, “...When you get out of the bathroom, get the medkit from under the sink and give it to me. I’ll clean your face and cuts.”

She smiles slightly and take the clothes to change, “Don’t eat all of the snacks! I’m hungry too you know.”

A sad smile appears on my face, I shouldn’t do this. I’m already in trouble, what am I doing?...I walk to the window and close it, something shines from the light of my lamp, looking down below the window I seen the pocket knife. Picking it up I place it near my lamp. 

My bedroom door opens again, Toga is wearing a matching checked night set, they are pink. She places her slippers in my closet, “Place your clothes in my laundry basket, I’ll sneak them in the washing machine in a moment. Your shorts are in my clean clothes, near the morning I’ll place your school clothes and gym clothes together under my bed. Since your school shirt was left in the locker room I’ll give you one of my school shirts. Uh, sit on the bed with the medkit, I’m gonna sneak to the laundry room.”

She still carries her dirty clothes, “No. I’ll go with you. Aren’t friends suppose to stick together?” Before I can object, she slips the medkit out of her arms and place it on the bed. She looks back at me, waiting. I sigh and nod. Friends.

The laundry room is upstairs...we creep upstairs. Luckily, my parent’s door is shut, we quickly grab the powder and put the clothes in the machine. In case my parents check the machine, I blend the only dirty clothes on the floor with hers. She walks around the house a little bit as I stuff the clothes in the machine. The clean clothes are searched through to find the pink shorts, lets hope mom doesn’t notice. I walk out of the room and guide her back to my room. 

“I like your house, it’s fancy!”

I wouldn’t call it fancy, the wallpaper is aged, the toilet system is trash, the washing machine leaks water from the back...but now I feel like a princess compared to Toga. 

“Uh, yeah...kinda. Anyway, lets clean those cuts.”

She nods, we sit on the bed after I lock my bedroom door. Her cuts seems to come from tree branches and when she was thrown onto the ground, my hands ball up for a moment at that memory. I use my basic knowledge in caring for cuts, alcohol, cotton balls, and bandaids.

Toga held onto my hand as I applied the alcohol to each small cut, I couldn’t help but smile at her “Ack! Ow! Slow down!!”. It’s just funny to see a girl who almost stabbed someone to death cry over small cuts. She pouts, “You laughing at me?!”

My smile widens, “Well, hehe, it’s funny to see the badass in gym class cry over simple taps with alcohol.” 

She smiles widely, “It stings, but don’t be fooled! I’ll still stab someone for you.”

I add on, “Again.”

She rolls her eyes, “Tch, that was barely a cut! I didn’t stab him! My knife just happened to dig deeper into his cheek when I grazed him! Not my fault.”

She shrugs with a smile, a small smirk is on my face.

We fall in comfortable silence. Though, her loud smacking on a chocolate bar fills the silence a bit.

I cover her in cute bandages after proper care, designs of kittens, flowers, hearts, and short self care quotes are all over her face and arms. I pack up the materials and place them back in the bathroom. When I came back, Toga sets three candy wrappers on the bed stand near her. 

She spots me, “The rest is yours, I’m full. Do you have some water?”

I raise one of my eyebrows, she only ate three candy bars, how is she full? Plus, there’s one problem with that considerate action, there’s 25 candy bars left! How and why would I eat all of that chocolate?? I sigh and push the candy bars back to her. She stares at me with her eyebrows up.

“Do you not like chocolate?”

“I don’t like chocolate comas, this is too much! Take half, you deserve it, also, how did you get away with half of the store in your pants??”

Her shoulders goes up and down, she says, “What do you think the knife is for?”

My eyes widen, “You...what did you do?”

My body tenses up as she stares at me, “I robbed the store.”

There’s no emotion into that sentence...I mean those corner store workers have families too! That’s not right!

She gets up and explores my room, stopping by my dresser with a wooden chair near it. The dresser has a star shaped mirror, pallets of makeup, lipglosses, collections of rocks, and a music box. 

I was barely able to close my mouth...but why? It wasn’t necessary for her survival...how does she survive without parents?

“...Why? But, why Toga? You...you could have harmed someone for something so small! You did that for candy? Why?!”

Her hands are admiring my music box, the box has two kids that twirl when the handle is twisted. It’s wooden, except the kids, they are made from clay. One of the kids wear a dress with black slippers, the other has overalls with shorts. They twirl together. She pays me no mind.

I huff and walk over to her, grabbing the box out of hands, I set it back on the dresser. She follows the music box’s placement with her eyes. My hands trembles as I reach for her cheeks. The stare is back. My eyebrows creases, I push her cheeks together lightly and force her to focus on me completely. 

“Toga, why.”

Her eyes closes. I sigh while relasing her face, I walk towards the bed and sit while rubbing my forehead.

There’s silence for a while. Then, a voice asks something, “How do you work this thing?” I look up to see the music box in her hands, I respond by a tense stare. She gives me a small smile and turns to face the dresser, “That’s fine. I tend to figure things out by myself a lot. Play-sesame!” A chuckle escapes her. I watch her tinker with the box for a couple of minutes. I sigh and say, “You twist the handle, not pull or push.” She turns a bit with a smile, “Thank you!”

The room is filled with the soft melody and voice.

Though, all I can hear is “ouu!” and “cool!”.

Then, her hips starts to shimmer. We stare at each other, one of my eyebrows are up, with a frown. Her mouth tries to follow the lyrics, but fails. Her feet starts to move to the side while going foward towards me. The rhythm is not with her, but she still twist and twirls around the bed. Then I feel a hand lands on mines, grabbing it and dragging me to the middle of my room. Her hands takes both of mines and we ‘tango’. She kept stepping on my toes, in responds she got scolds from me. They all fell on deaf ears. The room looked like it was spinning and warping as we spun a couple of times.

“Toga, let my hands go! I’m tired and dizzy, plus, you still didn’t answer my question!”

“I like that melody, is that your voice?”

“Toga-”

“She sounds really pretty.”

“TOGA-”

“Ou, I knew it! Only pretty people can recognize other pretty people!”

Why is my cheeks burning? Did she...NOPE. SHE’S TRYING TO DISTRACT ME. I’m not falling for that! I want answers!

“TOGA-”

“You’re so cute-”

“SHUT UP-”

“AH! You look like a pretty tomato!-”

She dips me, I almost fall out of her grip until she settles her arms around my waist. HOW?! I’m like twice this girl’s size!

“The prettiest I have ever seen!”

“Ugh!-”

“How did you fit such a pretty voice into that box??”

“UGH. THAT ISN’T ME. THAT’S THE VOICE OF A OLD FRIEND!”

When I look at her face, a sick smile is forming on her face. 

Oh. No. She. Didn’t. 

She tricked me to get information!

“I bet she’s not as pretty as you though.” Her smile causes her eyes to squint. My eyes narrows as my face feels like the sun is near it! 

Before I can demand for her to answer my question and stop dancing, the grip on my waist gets tighter as my body is swung out of the room. She uses one of her hands to unlock and open the bedroom door from behind her.

“WHAT THE-”

We guide across the wooden floor in the hallway, though the music has been stopped our feet still remembered the soft melody.

My voice is lowed as I chastise her, “Toga.”

Her body keeps on dragging me out of the hallway, she stare at me with a smile. She grabs onto my hands and pushes away from me to come back and spin me.

“You need to-”

We are approaching the kitchen, my arms starts to ache, but I continue whispering.

“Ugh, I swear if you don’t let go I’ll-”

Her hands are now gripping my hands harder, 

“T. O. G. A. LET GO OF MY-”

One of her index fingers touches my lips, a small “Shh.” comes out of her mouth. When my lips opens slightly, 

“ACK-”

I am spun away from her, hitting one of the counters with my hips!

As I am rubbing one side of my hips, in my peripheral vision I see a light coming from something. Though, there is a shadow in the light. Turning my head a bit, the light was coming from the refrigerator, I see that blond hair...yup I made my decision, I am not having children in the future. Demon spawns.

A small “ahhhhh.” comes from her, I struggle to get near her, but before I could reach for her she turns around with a red liquid dipping from her mouth. I look down to her hands to see that nasty carton of tomato juice in her hands. This girl is drinking from the carton! 

“WHat thE?!?! Put that down! Where’s the cap?!”

She shrugs her shoulders and burps. I wave a hand in front of my face and reach for her ear.

“Ow! I was thirsty!...You want some??”

I take the carton of tomato juice out of her hands and yank her ear. 

“NO. I DON’T WANT SOME. BUT I’M GONNA GET SOMETHING IF YOU DON’T GET BACK IN MY ROOM! I’m already in trouble! Did you forget that!?!”

The sound of footsteps stops our movement...

We look at each other and dash to my bedroom!

I close the door quickly but quietly, then I push Toga into my closet, she nods and squish between my hanged clothes and shoe boxes in the corner. Closing the closet door I dash to my bed stand and push the knife under my bed. 

I grab for a book that was in my dresser, and lay on the bed. Now, the waiting game has begun. There’s still the sounds of creaks from the footsteps...

The room is completely silent, my breathing starts to get caught in my throat when that sound gets louder, the footsteps speed up.

My eyes close, I make sure the book is on my face, I keep on my lamp light to create the “oh I fell asleep reading” image. 

The footsteps aren’t there anymore...I exhale, Toga peeks out the door when two minutes pass. 

I give her the thumbs up and put my book on the bed stand near me. 

To be sure we stayed quiet for a couple more minutes. 

The coast is clear. 

I sigh, Toga flops onto my bed, she lays on her stomach and stares at the door.

“Darn it Toga! We could have got caught!! If you wanted something to drink we could have walked to the kitchen!!! Now, one of my parents can be up right now!...Wait, did we close the refrigerator?...Isn’t the carton still out??”

She scratches her head and swings her feet. “I don’t remember. Anyway, I’m bored, what can we-” 

“Anyway? Anyway?? We almost got in trouble! And you’re worried about fun?? What????-”

Words starts to fuse together as I rant to her, she listens and watches me. A few “mhm” and “I understand” comes from her. When I am done, I flop onto my pillow and close my eyes. 

I feel weight on my legs, looking down, Toga is laying across me with my music box in her hands. 

“...when did you get the music box?”

She looks from the box and smiles at me, “Minutes ago, I thought you were asleep already! I was getting bored...”

There’s silence 

“What the heck is on your face???”

I lift myself up and take her face into my hands. There’s black streaks near her eyes, some of the lines look smudged. Something shines on her face, on her cheeks, forehead, chin, and nose...I look over to my dresser.

“Seriously?!”

My lipgross is shining against the surface, and my eyeliner is mixing with the lipgloss. The eyeshadow was untouched.

I feel her cheeks go up, looking down at her, she gives me a toothy smile. 

“I wanted to look pretty, like you!”

Why?? Why does she keep on complimenting me?? 

“It’s back! That red shade! Why can’t you take the truth? You’re cute!”

“Ugh...lets go to my bathroom to get that off your face. Why did you put LIPgloss on your face anyway??”

“Oh...that’s what that was?? I thought it was a face shining thing. I like the shininess!”

“That’s highlighter!”

“Ohhhh...wait what?? Why would you put a highlighter on your face??”

Her eyebrows are up and she is scratching the side of her head. How does she not know what makeup is? She looks pretty girly to me. 

I sigh and hold onto her wrist, we walk to the bedroom door. 

Tap.

I stop and look back at Toga. She shrugs.

Tap. Tap.

The sound seems to come from the door...we stop and stare at the door.

Tap-tap-tap!

The door moves against the frame like someone is knocking on the door!

We give the final stares and go into positions. Toga dashes into the closet, I look around the room and put my stuff back where they were. The messed up makeup was stuffed into the dresser, the lipgloss codes my hands, I wince while wiping my hands on my pajama pants. 

I speed walk to the door. Exhaling, my hands reach for the door knob. ‘ACT NORMAL. ACT NORMAL.’

...

The door is swung open. There’s no one here.

...

When I was about to close the door, something seems to push it away.

I looking down, I see a black silky looking coat on a mini-paw? Their eyes are glossy and wide, a nice shade of green in their eyes dances in the moonlight, I stare at the shape of a white moustache...Raymond! Thank goodness. 

His smirking lips opens, “Meow?”

“MEOW?!” The sound of the closet door opening shakes the wall near it, the girl stumbles before reaching the bedroom door, she pushes me away from Raymond. I spin myself before hitting the wall near me, I reach my bed and stare at the back of her head while squinting my eyes.

“A cat?! Hello!- Oh- Uh- I meant, meow! What’s your name? Meow?”

“Meow!”

She gasps, “That’s a pretty name! Mine is Toga!”

I can see her hand reach for him, her arm shakes slightly. I move to the side to see what was happening, his black paw is encased in her small hands, they shake...hands?

She looks back at me with a wide smile, “You didn’t tell me you had a cat!”

My eyes roll, “Maybe because I have been through hel- stuff this whole night.”

“Ouu! Look she almost cursed! That’s unlady-like! Right?” She looks back at Raymond, I swear I seen his head go up and down slightly. 

She moves out of his way as he walks in the room with a sway in his hips. His tail is up and swings, his head is up, and his eyes are closed. Sigh. Now I have two divas in the room. 

He jumps on my bed and licks his paw while Toga runs around him, she spills words of praise to him. He would occasionally look at her, then turn his head with his eyes semi-closed and continue with his bathing session.

Her movement stops completely, I raise my eyebrow at her after locking the door.

“I just thought about something...we have three people in this room. Makeup. And snacks...you what that means?”

I am afraid to answer. Who knows what she has under her sleeves. I walk to the bed and sit by Raymond. 

“SLEEPOVER! This is my first sleepover! Ouuu, what should we do!? I say makeovers and munching on snacks! Oh! How about-”

“How about we SLEEP. It’s too late for all of this! And keep your voice down!”

Plus, I wouldn’t call this a sleepover, more like ‘trying to keep a person from dying on the streets’-over. 

She sends me a pout, her attention is on Raymond now, “Well, what do YOU say? Party! or Sleep?” She rolls her eyes at the last word, Raymond is now staring at her. 

I huff, “Darn it Toga, it’s the middle of the morning! We don’t have much to do anyway.”

Her attention is now on me and Raymond follows her stare. They both stare at me with blank stares. 

“Oh, come on Raymond, you know we should go to sleep, don’t stare at me like that.”

He stands up completely and stretches, I watch him walk over to Toga, Toga beams at the back of Raymond’s head. 

My eyes are blown out of proportions, no, he, didn’t! He knows what he is doing! Encouraging her behavior, t-ha, ‘cats are nice’ they say. I shake my head while saying, “...Traitor.”

He stares at me, he looks like he is smirking. I roll my eyes while rubbing my forehead.

She is basically jumping on my walls at this point...I just want to go to sleep.

His continues to taunt me...I should have got a dog. 

Toga chants, “Sleepover! Sleepooooovvvvver!!”

A chain of “mew” and  “meow meeeow” follows her chants. 

Raymond and Toga runs around the room, “Sleep-”, She double points at Raymond, “Meow!”

The room is now surrounded with the phrases, 

“Sleep-meow!”

“Meow-sleep!- wait-”

Raymond looks back at her while she jumps around with him, his brows goes down, he shakes his head at her. 

“Ugh! I messed it up again! Start over!”

“NO. DEAR THE HEAVENS, NO.”

They look at me with one eyebrow raised, “Just!...Sit down! Please! I can feel my nerves trying to escape from my ears! I’ll...I’ll think of something! Just give me time, please!”

They settle down a little bit, the bed bounces me up as they tumble onto the bed. All I can feel is my forehead heating up and my eyes drooping. What time is it anyway? It has to be 3:00, because if the heavens took my asks, they would be knocked out by now. 

As I look behind me, I see Raymond laying on Toga’s stomach...He never did that to me! A pout appears on my face. Toga looks at me with one eyebrow raised, “Well, what did you think of?”

Sleep. 

I sigh and search around the room. My eyes stops on the music box, then I shake my head. That music box puts me to sleep, but doesn’t do that for Toga, who knows if she has another dance routine in mind? What else puts me to sleep, but isn’t something that blows my mission. Mission: ‘put the damn demon asleep!’. I can see a light bulb flash above my head! THE MIGHTY HAIRBRUSH.

I rush to the dresser, my hands avoids the lipgloss, I grip onto the handle of the hairbrush, then look back at them as they watched me. 

“Hairbrush? Really? What are we gonna do with that??”

“Well...”

Come on! Think of a GOOD reason! My eyes falls onto her messy hair. Ah. Right, I forgot to put her hair up...

“-you did mention makeovers, so, you’re first! Maybe we could...”

DON’T SAY IT! DON’T-

“-put color in your hair?”

DARN IT.

She pops up and nods quickly. A small shriek escapes her, Raymond hops off her and spins in circles, they both cheer...my ears feels like it’s gonna fall off.

“OK. OK...sit on the bed. I’ll get the materials...”

Sigh. Why did I set myself for failure. I know this is gonna go wrong. The girl seems to cause trouble in every environment. 

A mini tray is in my hands as I walk into the bedroom. It’s blue with stars that I painted on when I was seven-years old. They are white and gold. Toga waits with her legs swinging and Raymond sitting in her lap. I walk over to her and set the materials on the bed stand near me. She hums while I comb and study her hair. Her hair seems to be gray from leftover dirt and dust. Everytime I wiggled strands of hair, the dust would almost choke me to death. 

“Eh. You wash your hair right?”

She looks up at me and nods.

“Yup, with water.”

I raise my eyebrow, “Just water??”

She nods slowly, “Isn’t that the right way of doing it??”

Me and Raymond look at each other. I sigh and leave the room again. This time a bottle of shampoo, bucket, and washrag was in my hands. She reaches for the shampoo and examines it. 

“Shampoo?...Oh! So, that was what I was missing?! It smells good!”

I nod and gently pops the rubber bands from her pegtails. These rubber bands are for art supplies, so they yank some of her hair. She flinches and looks up at me. I mumble an apology.

There is silence for a couple of minutes. When I am done with the rubber bands, the bucket is placed in her lap, Raymond hops off her and watches me while sitting near her. I push her down while applying the shampoo and washing it out by the water in the rag. She kept raising her head and waving her hands, I sigh and force her head back down. 

“ACK! It’s in my eyes!!”

“Maybe if you kept your eyes closed it wouldn’t be in them! Stop moving!”

Raymond would lick her arms to calm her down, it kind of worked. Though, water stained my carpet as she knocked over the bucket a couple of times while squirming. 

When that was done, she narrowed her eyes at me. 

I roll my eyes, “Oh stop it, it wasn’t that bad. Plus, I would have done this in the shower, if one of my parents weren’t possibly up right now! Take this as a lesson.”

A pair of eyes glares at me as I walk out the room to clean and put materials back. Before leaving the bathroom, I grabbed one unused towel and one dirty towel. 

When I walk back into the room, Toga was whipping strands of her hair gently into Raymond, he was jumping at her hair and paw-ing her hair. A small smile was on her face. I walked over to them and adjusted her head to look up at me. She releases her hair while I dried her hair with gentle circular motions with the clean towel. The dirty towel was placed under our feet. Lets hope mom doesn’t pop into my room in the morning to see this towel and Toga...

She smelled strands of her hair, “What is this smell?” 

I respond while reaching for the hairbrush, “Cinnamon. You ever had any snacks with cinnamon in it? Like Cinnamon Toast Crunch?”

“That’s cereal right?”

A ‘mhm’ leaves my lips as I brush the back of her head. She nods slowly, “When I was younger, yeah.”

I twist the hairbrush a little bit when it reached the ends of her hair, “Hm. How old are you?”

She looks up at me with her eyebrows raised, “Uhhh, 13...”

The hairbrush stops, “You sure?”

She nods slowly. 

The room is now silent.

Raymond sits in her lap as she scratches his head gently. My hands continues to slowly guides the hairbrush. The room starts to disappear, my thoughts are getting loud.

Does she celebrate birthdays? How?

...Does she eat cake? How and where does she get the cake?

How does she continue to live without proper care? Stealing can only get you far...

Did she ever get caught stealing before? What happened if she did?

...What is it like to be...abandoned.

A small hand is on my wrist that carried the hairbrush. The room starts to reappear, Raymond and Toga looks up at me with one eyebrow up. 

“Why did you stop? That felt good! Please brush here again.”

Her hand guides me to the center of her head, the hairbrush brushes through the hair in circular motions.

“Sorry.”

I continue the motion without her assistance. 

She breaks the silence again, “Are you okay?”

One of my eyebrows are raised as I glance at her. I respond with a nod. 

Raymond hisses with no true malicious reason behind it. He usually did that to show disapproval in what I said or did.

I break eye contact with Raymond and distract myself with styling her hair. 

Toga looks down at Raymond with a wince, “What’s wrong buddy? You okay??”

He nods slightly and licks her cheek. After that his stare starts to make a hole on the side of my head. I shallow my spit and continue ignoring him.

That same small hand stops me. The hairbrush is pulled out of my hand and placed on the bed stand. I look at them with one eyebrow raised. They return a look at me. Raymond shakes his head at me while Toga looks between the both of us. 

“Are YOU sure?”

“Yes. Now, what style do you want? Ponytail? Buns?”

“Braids!”

“Oh. Ok, what kind?”

“Any??”

“...Ok.”

Since her hair was silky and extremely straight, I got through two medium-sized braids that was placed on one side of her head. Now, two more on the other side would complete the look. Then, hopefully she’ll forget about the coloring hair idea. Seriously. Why would I propose that??

Raymond still stares at me, but now he laying down on his paws, he looks like a loaf of bread...with thick angry eyebrows. Sigh. Sometimes I wish he couldn’t read my mind. 

I sigh and open my mouth slightly, but another voice beats me to talking. 

“What are your birthdays like?”

My hands stop mid-braiding, her eyes are back on me as she waits for my response, “...kinda, um, hm. I can’t describe it.”

“How come?”

I shrug and stare at her hair instead of her. 

“Do you like your birthdays?”

Raymond hops out of her lap. He struts to me and rubs his head against my thigh. 

A small sigh ecsapes my lips. Kinda. Just kinda. My family is supportive of me, but sometimes...all I want is a friend near me as well. No matter how much I wish for one it doesn’t come true.

I feel my chest getting heavy, my hands starts to shake, and my vision is getting blurry. 

All I can whisper is, “Kinda.”

She glances at my eyes for a bit. Before I knew it her arms are around my stomach, firmly. The messy makeup is smuging as she moves her face against my shirt. 

“Tell me what’s wrong, please.”

I breathe in and out before speaking, “Just...my birthdays are fine. I have family behind me during those days...not every child has the opportunity to experience that.”

My eyes fall on her as she stare up at me. 

I continue as my voice cracks a bit, “So, I shouldn’t complain. My life could be worst.”

There is silence for a bit. 

That high-pitched voice responds, “That’s stupid.”

I jump a bit with one eyebrow raised. 

She shakes her head with a straight face, “That’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard!”

A small smile appears on her face, “And that’s a lot coming from me!”

The smile dims down a bit as she continues, “I don’t need you to pity me. Also, don’t compare my situation to yours! That’s not fair. We all have problems! What good does it do to ignore yours?”

A sound comes from Raymond as he nods and stares at the two of us, “Meow!”

The hug around me gets tighter, Raymond joins by attempting to use his tail.

One last thing comes from her, “We are human you know. It’s ok to cry!”

My lips forms a curved downwards line. 

My vision is even more cloudy. 

My lips quiver, I manage to whisper, “Thank you...”

She releases me to stand in front of me and give me a proper hug. It’s loose...and extremely warm. My arms dangle beside me, Raymond licks the hand near him. 

After I blinked, I was sitting on the bed with Toga beside me with the hairbrush.

She gently pulled strands of hair out of my bun and brushed the strands. 

I sniff out a sentence, “What are you doi-ng?”

She smiles a bit, “Hm, you sound funny!”

“Shut up.” A smile starts to form on my face. Raymond jumps into my lap. I brush his cheeks with my nails. 

She responds with her eyes squinted and a small pout, as she focuses on the strand of hair that fights back against the brushing. I can’t help but chuckle softly. “Sooo...are you going to tell me the truth? What’s wrong?”

I look down at Raymond as he looks at me with a small ‘smile’. 

...No. This is all I needed, for today. A good cry. 

Thank you, my special stalker. 

I shake my head. Raymond nods slightly and closes his eyes while taking in the rubs. 

“But, I do have to tell you something else...”

She raises her eyebrows and leans a bit closer to me, “Well, come on, tell me!”

A smirk is on my face, “You smell like tomato juice. I hate tomato juice.”

She gasp and leans back. The hairbrush is against her chest and her other hand in against her forehead. Raymond ‘snorts’ and I giggle, genuinely. 

A small hand pushes my shoulder softly, “Meanie! Plus, tomato juice is good!”

My eyes roll playfully, “How? It taste like dirt.”

She smirks, “How do you know what dirt taste like?!”

My smirk gets wider, “Maybe because my head was practically in the dirt yesterday.”

Her smile drops as she rubs her neck, “Ohhh...right...”

I reach her shoulder and giggle, “Seriously...what we did was stupid, but, I don’t put that all on you. WE kicked some ass back there!”

She giggled and teased me, “Ohhh! Look at that! The goody-two-shoes cursed!”

Her finger flicks my nose a couple of times, Raymond lays on the bed and watches us poke and taunt each other. We both end up on the bed, panting softly. Raymond lays in between the both of us, his tail kept hitting Toga’s face. 

My smile slowly fades as my serious tone comes back, “Ok, ok. Back on the subject. Toga, I have had a friend before, but, they had to leave. It’s been years without them. So...I’m not use to...this. You know. Someone that isn’t apart of my family, willing to listen to me. It’s new...just give me time. One day I’ll be able to tell you everything, just not now...it’s hard to find people like you.”

She stares at me and nods. 

We both stare at the ceiling for a moment. Until, Toga sits up and stares at the mini-tray filled with coloring materials. She looks back at me with a smile. I roll my eyes and smirk, “I was hoping you would forget about that.”

She shakes her head and pouts, poorly hiding a smile. 

I sigh and sit up with her. We go through each color. Blue was something that reflected well on my hair, but not for Toga. We looked like clowns, with colorful streaks in our hair. She kept pulling strands out of my bun to put new colors into my hair, I used the un-done strands of hair for her. Raymond would occasionally push off the colored ‘crayons’ onto the floor. The carpet was almost representing the LGBT+ flag.

There is comfortable silence. Until a question popped into my mind.

“Toga, why do you like tomato juice? It’s disgusting.”

She continues to put purple streaks into my hair, “It reminds me of blood...I know, weird.”

I shrug, “Not really. Blood is cool, it keeps us living.”

Plus I can’t judge. I play and talk to rocks...not the average thing a kid my age does. 

She sighs a bit, “...yeah.”

I hold onto her shoulder softly and stare into her eyes, “Look, we all have weird interest! I like talking to my rocks. I even give them names.”

She smiles slightly, “Weirdo.”

I smirk, “Hush!”

Her smile gets wider before I continue talking, “When I’m around rocks I get a strange feeling. Like someone is hugging me, it’s a fuzzy feeling. Rocks don’t judge you, you know. So, maybe you have a special connection to blood. There’s so many jobs out there for people like you! Think about so many lives being saved from your interest! You can do good things with that connection.”

She looks down at her feet with a small smile, I grip a little harder. 

“You would be the best doctor! Scientist? Blood donor? Organ donor? The possiblities is nearly endless. Plus, you would look pretty cool in a lab coat! Just don’t kill me if I appear in your hospital.”

Her teeth are showing, she pulls me into a tight hug. She whispers, “Maybe. Thank you. I haven’t heard that before...”

I return the tight squeeze. When we release each other, her hands hold onto the red crayon. Her fingertips are covered in red marks. I raise one eyebrow as she grabs onto leftover strands of her hair and my hair. She attempts to braid them together, it’s sloppy work so I help her. 

Once our hair was entwined together, she drowns each strand with red. I watch her as she concentrates on each strand. Raymond squeezes between us and play with the ends of our hair. His claws would occasionally get struck, ending up with us squawking and hissing. 

The deed was done, but I still had one eyebrow raised. 

Our heads are almost together, she looks at me with a smile, “To friendship!”

Her feet gently stumps against the carpet and towel. Her hands are balled into fist, it hits her knees everytime her feet hits the carpet. She stares at me with big eyes and a wide smile, continuing to chant, “Tooooo friendssship!”

I can feel my feet starting to copy her stumping. Her hands started to clap lightly and a small sway is followed behind each clap. My eyebrows go up as my body starts to copy her movements. Raymond joined in by creating circles on the bed and joining in her chants. He would jump sometimes and hit my cheek with his paws, the nails were hidden of course.

She smiled at Raymond as they continue to chant, but I didn’t join in, I watched them have fun. Toga looked at me with raised eyebrows, “Well, what ‘cha doing? Join us! This is a chant for friendship!” I nod with a small smile, “I know, it’s...nice. But. Just. Hm...” My movement stops. Since Toga was still moving, I could feel strands of my hair being pulled. I wince. Raymond sits by me and rubbed his head against my arm. Toga stopped moving and stared at me. Her smile fades. 

“Sorry! Got a bit too happy.” 

“I can tell. ” I rub the spot that was pulled. She rubs the same spot. 

“So....now that we are friennnndddsss, we should really make it official! Like-”

A yawn escapes her lips, she covers it. A little smile is on my face. Sigh. Finally.

I smirk while patting her head, “-like going to sleep! Seriously, I’m certain it’s 5:00 now, we should set up for bed. Not set up more activites.”

She pours and tries to look away from me, but our hair pulls me with her, “I’m not tired yet! Raymonds not tired either! Look!”

We look down in between us to find a yawning cat. He looks up at us and shakes his head at Toga. After that he settled in between us and closed his eyes while shaped like loaf. She sighs and raises her hand in defeat, “Fine! Fine!...I’m tired.”

I respond with a ‘mhm’. She rolls her eyes and stretches her limbs. I stop her from trying to lay down, “Let me take that off your face first, I don’t want you breaking out.” 

“Ohhh, right, I forgot I had this MASTERPIECE on my face.”

I smile widely, “Mm, last time I checked, dollar tree styles don’t make it on the red carpet.”

She gasps while I giggle, “Ok, ok, stay right here for a minute. I’ll get makeup remover.”

She pouts and crosses her arms. Right when I get up, she gets up as well. I raise one eyebrow at her. She looks at the hair between us. Oh...right. 

“Forgot about that. Help me unbraid this.”

She nods and we get to work. 

But, one minute turned into five. 

Then ten...

We stop and rub our hands. The pain in my hands starts to affect my fingertips. They are extremely soft and wrinly. She sighs and looks at me, “Uh. We aren’t making any progress.” 

I sigh, “I can see that...”

She puts her hands on her hips, “Well, what’s the plan now??”

I yawn and shrug, “Honestly...I don’t know. I’m tired as well. Though, I do know something, we aren’t going to the bathroom now. We can’t risk you getting caught, especially with all the noise we’ve been making.”

She nods slowly, “Maybe you have something in the room??”

I shake my head, “I don’t believe I do, at least not for removing makeup or untangling hair.”

She sighs and yawns, “Well....can we sleep now?? I’m sleeeppppyyyy.”

My hand rubs my eyes, my legs are starting to give out, “How are we going to sleep? Our hair is tangled and your makeup will rub onto my pillow cases!”

She shrugs and walks to the bed. I pull back. 

“Toga...we need to find a solution.”

Her eyes roll, “Not now please! We’ll find something to do in the morning...”

“But my parents-”

“Pleeeassssseeee?!?!”

My eyes shut, my arms are getting lower as the seconds pass, and my legs gave up when she collasped onto the bed. Raymond moves slowly to the end of the bed and rest. Our faces are in the bed. We drag ourselves onto the bed completely, she places her head onto my pillow. I take the pillow near her. We face each other. Our hair is begging for us to get closer. She sighs and clings onto me. Her arms hug me, it’s warm, but I feel a little too warm. Her breathing is slowing down, but my eyes keeps staring at that messed up face on my pillowcase. Sigh. My parents are definitely gonna kill me. 

I watch her mouth out, “...I thought of something...I never asked for your name. What is it??”

Her eyes are still closed, but I still stare there, “...call me Syria.”

Her lips goes up, “Pretty name...for a pretty person!”

I roll my eyes while she smiles widely. 

There’s silence for a couple of minutes.

My eyes are closed, but I see complete darkness, even when the lamp is on. The room is filled with quiet breathing. Her hold on me gets tighter, but it isn’t the worst feeling. It feels like a bear hug. My body is going numb. 

My thoughts are getting quieter.

Before I can fade into complete slumber, I hear a whisper.

“Syria?”

I feel a finger poke my cheek, but my mouth is completely shut. 

“...I have something to say. Even if you’re asleep right now.”

I still can’t respond, but I listen.

“Everyday is the same routine. I steal snacks for my dinner and breakfast. Taking clothes from stores as well. Do I use the knife? Yes. Why? I don’t have a choice. I have to provide for myself...”

My ears peck up a bit, as she exhales.

“...I’m not sure about my future. My school grades are bad. I have no parents. What is there for me? Nothing. But, it’s nice to not be alone.”

I hear a smile as she continues.

“I cause a lot of trouble for people...I don’t blame them for leaving. But, I came to the conclusion that I don’t care for them. I hate them.”

Her smile seems to get wider as some words slur.

“...but, because of their failure to take care of me, I met you...therefore I ask you for one more thing, don’t leave, please. Today was nice, even if this ends in the morning, you will always be someone I care for. A friend. A friend that deserve more than snacks. One day I’ll be able to steal something more valuable for you. You asked why earlier. The answer is simple, for you. Even if me using a knife to get snacks seems dumb to you, I’ll keep doing, if it was for you.”

I can feel her poking my face gently. My mouth seems to loosen up, before she could continue talking I whisper.

“...Toga. You don’t have to continue stealing and possibly harming someone in the future. A little hope can go a long way...you, no, WE, can improve as people. Just have a little hope...”

Her voice gets strained.

“...together?”

I can feel her pinky hooking onto mine’s.

“...I’m sure I don’t really have a choice now.”

A small giggle is heard. 

“At least you know.”

I sigh and smile. My pinky squeezes her’s back. 

The final thing that comes from the room is one more sentence.

“Thank you for being a friend.”

A smile seems to be printed onto my face. My consciousness is slipping. 

But, one more thought is presented into my mind.

‘Hm...who knew? Dreams could come true...’

The room is gone and my dream state is on. 

*         -            *            -          *

         My body is loose. My eyes squint while the sunlight hits my face. While grunting, I stretch my limbs. When my feet hits the end of the bedboard I look down at my feet. Empty. 

         I look to the side of me. Empty. My body shiver as we slept on top of the covers instead. I fight my shivers and sit up. My feet hits the wet towel, beside the colorful carpet. I sigh and reposition the towel to cover that area. I look to the bed stand that still had the mini-tray on it. 

         I stand up and creep to the door, it was kinda open...

I look out of the door, the hallway is clear and quiet. I walk into the hallway and lean onto the wall that allowed people to enter the living room/kitchen. The smell of bacon, pancakes, and eggs fills my senses. My stomach grumbles violently. When I was about to walk into the living room, the sound of a pan falling causes me to go back into sneaking. 

         A smooth voice sighs. Then, the sound of a door opening catches my attention. Looking into the kitchen, I see a white door open, the wall is covering the stove area. So, the person coming out of the bathroom wouldn’t be seen by mom, she was cooking breakfast and texting. You’ll only see the person if you were in my position...

         That was a REALLY GOOD thing! Because when I seen that messy and blond hair...my jaw dropped. 

I wave my hands in the air, rapidly. Trying to get the attention of the airhead! She doesn’t look my way, with every step forward, my heart drops. I’m gripping my hair and the wall. 

She has entered the arch.

The kitchen.

The area that is going to be the death of me!

Oh no!

Oh dear! 

My breathing is speeding up, I feel like I just ran...

I hold onto my stomach, I can feel the bile climbling up my esophagus...

Toga walks to the countertops in the middle of the kitchen, apples and pears are in a bowl in the middle of the countertops. Since those countertops form a table, they had chairs. She sat in one.

IDIOT. IDIOT. IDIOT.

The only thing that gives me hope, is the lack of my mom turning around. She faces the stove. Putting down her phone beside the stove....

There is silence. 

Then, my mom vocalizes something, her voice is a bit relaxed, I can see her face from the side, she has a pout and downward eyebrows. 

“Good morning. Syria, did you wash your hands?”

I stare at Toga with wide eyes. She still doesn’t see me. ‘TOGA. PLEASE. FIND. A. WAY. TO. RESPOND.’ is all that is rushing through my mind.

A small “mhm....” leaves her mouth...NO TOGA! IT’S “YES MA’AM”! 

I can see one of my mom’s eyebrows go up. Her hands still pays attention to the eggs in the skillet pan....

“Hmm, you must feel funny today. Maybe because you left tomato juice sitting out! Syria, seriously, why were you drinking something out of the container?? Especially something you despise??”

She sighs and continue to scramble the eggs...

I feel like my heart is going into overdrive. PLEASE TOGA, LOOK OVER HERE!

“Well, remember your job today, wash the dishes after this breakfast. Then, hopefully your mood would improve after eating, a better mood increases any activity darling. I use that knowledge for handling your father.”

A small smile is on her face. My grip on my stomach loosens up a LITTLE bit.

Toga stares at the back of mom’s head...she smiles a bit.

“Oh, I forgot! Toast is over there, use that to help distract yourself while I complete these eggs.”

She points to the dining table, it has at least 5 pieces of toast on a plate. Luckily she didn’t turn around completely! 

Toga gets out of the chair....

I see Raymond running into the kitchen, he runs up to Toga. She picks him up and grabs a piece of toast...the buttery one. MY piece of toast. I feel a pout on my face, while my stomach grunts in disapproval as well. I grip my stomach and hush myself.

Toga stands by the plate and eats the toast slowly. Her face lights up when she shallows MY...sigh, the piece of toast. Raymond looks up at her with those eyes. The gulit tripping eyes. REFUSE TOGA, REFUSE!

She pouts while chewing slower. 

No.

FIGHT BACK.

REFUSE!

...

A piece of toast was now in his mouth. TOGA. WHYYYY??????!

Mom is reaching for a plate...the eggs are almost done.

The toast hangs from his mouth, he tries to munch on it, but the action is aggressive. She munches on one side of the toast, he attached to the other side. They fight for the bread, but there can only be ONE winner. Raymond. Of course. He yanks it away from her. But, there’s a problem.

She. Screeched.

Time slows down.

Mom’s head slowly turns to her direction.

My breathing has stopped...

and a plate has dropped.

             •                 •                 •

The screaming....has not stopped.

“WHO AND WHERE IS YOUR PARENTS??!? WHOOO???-”

“I-HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?!?!?- DREEEEWWWWWW!!!”

She is leaning into the stove, her hands are on the handle of the oven. Her eyes are blown out of proportion. She’s not the only one. My eyes are about to roll out of my eye sockets...

I hear heavy footsteps rushing down the stairs, his movement has caused my strains of hair to blow into my face. He rushes into the kitchen with a tie loosely on. He stands near mom, following her eyes, he spots the blonde with Raymond...and the toast hanging out of his mouth. Speaking of mouths, mine is on the floor. 

Dad raises one eyebrow and stares at mom, “Damnit, I knew we should have used a condom!”

She turns to dad with a gasp and pure disgust.

T-ha. Just when I thought the bile was coming up, it was ready to come out! 

Dad smirks and works up mom more, “Hmmm, that child don’t look like me though??? We need Maury??”

Her hands reaches her hips, balled in fists. She uses one hand to SMACK dad on the back of his head!

She raises her voice, as dad puts one finger in the ear near her, “DO THIS LOOK LIKE COMEDY CENTRAL TO YOU?!??! THERE’S A RANDOM CHILD IN THE KITCHEN, FOOL!”

He rubs the back of his head and nod, silently saying sorry.

She turns her attention back to Toga.

“Are you lost?! Are you hurt?! WHY DO YOU HAVE A BALD SPOT IN YOUR HEAD? Where do you come from?! How does Raymond know you?!?!”

My head is pounding...then I feel a strange cool sensation on the top of my head. I search around my head to locate the feeling, I found a spot...there is no hair there...WHAT. THE. FUCK. This was the spot...I look straight to Toga’s bald spot.........SHE RIPPED US APART........SHE.....I need the wall for complete support now. 

Toga stare blankly at mom, her eyes are sparkling?....

Her mouth opens, “Wow...now I know where Syria gets her beauty from!”

Mom drops her face, she rubs her chin, “Did...did you say...”

Mom and dad looks at each other with one eyebrow raised....

•                 •                 • 

“SYRIAAAAAAAA-”

sigh....

GODDAMNIT TOGA!

#toga himiko #bhna x reader #himiko toga x reader #bhna fanfiction

[paint-pilot]

shit it’s been a second, guess it’s time to update again

edit: holy christ this is long, i’m gonna readmore it. tl:dr tyler has many badweird feelings but is getting through it. fun body changes, including hair growth and an unexpectedly nice voice. surgery and legal matters are Annoying. tw for menstruation

it is truly bizarre to think that i’ll have been five months on t in a little under two weeks. another month after that and it’s half a year. it’s uhh...weird. quarantine has just made this all feel weird. it’s like i fast-forwarded through this whole journey i was supposed to go on i guess? like i got randomly torn out of my life one day in march with no warning and then just as suddenly got spat out in august with a new life - new name, new face, new major, new identity - and no transitional period whatsoever. my classmates, my professors, my students, they all have only known me as tyler. and only ever will know me as tyler. and that’s great! it’s great, and i’m truly just blown away by how markedly easy it’s been and how weirdly good my timing was in transitioning. but it almost feels like i’m still a ways behind everyone else, i guess. i’ve spent so much of my life hiding, and lying through my teeth, and covering my ass every second of every day to protect myself, and i don’t have to do that anymore but the instinct is 100% still there and that honestly doesn’t feel good. of course i’m not making any of it up - i’m happier now than i’ve ever been, and i know i’m making the right choice - but it still persistently keeps feeling that way.

it’s just difficult, i think, to balance wanting to be read as male (and, to a large extent, wanting to keep my transness hidden both for safety reasons and so people don’t start treating me differently) and finding it difficult to hide this truly massive life change that, like, four people are really seeing anything of. and y’all, i guess, lol. it’s one thing to talk about all this in therapy, but it’s another entirely to just be able to share it with strangers and not worry about it being weird.

i was writing this with the intent of it being a mostly happy update but i guess there is some negativity boiling up so. gotta be honest, i guess? there’s a lot of fun trauma stuff i’ve been going through lately that i won’t get into but it’s culminated with this bullshit in this really fun way where my mom gets upset because i get kind of uncomfortable when she shows me childhood photos or tells stories about me as a little kid and then i just break down for reasons i really can’t discern. i’m going to try and articulate this, and who knows how messy it’s going to get, so i apologize if it gets kind of incoherent from here on out. as far as i can tell the root thing that she really gets upset about is that i’ve “thrown away” my whole previous identity. like, not a direct quote, but “you can’t just pretend [deadname] never existed. because she did, for a long time.” and...sure, i guess. i know this has been hard on my mom. i know she was raised in a conservative family, and while she has worked hard to adopt an accepting and open mindset she still doesn’t 100% grasp all of it and will make mistakes. i’ve made my peace with that. and yet. it’s not so much, really, that i was this other person and then became tyler, y’know? tyler did not appear suddenly two years ago where she once stood. tyler put on a mask, even before he knew he was tyler, because tyler was scared and ashamed but people seemed to like her and, for a time, she was an easy person to be. and i hated her. that is so fucking scary for me to say, and i’m not sure i’ve admitted that until literally right this second, but i did. not because she was a bad person. because she had a voice and a face and a body that i hated. because people saw her and assumed they knew me. because even she had many faces, because there was no real base or identity to her, just traits designed to paint a pretty picture and make people like her. because i knew, when i finally threw her away, people would miss her. compare me to her. expect me to be like her.

so i don’t know. i don’t have a satisfying way to wrap this up, because i honestly don’t know how to face this because i know it is absolutely not just the trans thing that created this situation. i’m kinda warring with myself, because i do kinda want to go back through this blog and delete photos of myself with long hair and whatever (because jesus, i’ve had this thing since i was like 14) but i genuinely don’t know if that’s healthy. i know i’m going back on my bullshit, fretting this way and that over whether something is “healthy” as though that’s an objective term without considering what’s going to make me happy, but honestly? i don’t know anymore. i keep sensing the mental block - the swathes of my childhood that i cannot recall, just vague, constant unease - and i don’t really know if i want to dig into all of that and learn what lies underneath because i’m sort of afraid of it. like i said, i’m happy now, happier than i’ve ever been, and i’d sort of like to just leave it like that. but i guess the length and tone of this post might argue otherwise.

anyways. anyways. enough mental health therapy, more actual hormone therapy updates since that’s what this goddamn thing is supposed to be i think? i’m finally starting to grow some noticeable hairs - my chin hair is coming back after my mom made me shave it before i left for school lol, as are a handful of mustache/lower lip/sideburn hairs. i keep feeling phantom bugs on my legs/feet and i’ve only just now recognized that that’s just leg hairs brushing against places i’m not used to. my appetite has picked up like absolute hell again, too, so i don’t know if i’m just having a metabolic spurt or what. also, i’ve started bruising more? idk what the hell that’s about - i fucking never bruise unless i’ve been hit Hard, and i kind of assumed testosterone would make you less likely to bruise, but then that’s probably just not related to the hormones at all. i was gonna put this in the tags but seeing as this post is already so long i might as well put a readmore and just put this here lol: my period is late, like, four days late, which is exceedingly unusual for me and might mean i’m finally done. or almost done. fingers crossed.

my voice has started to settle, it seems like. i popped out an e2 yesterday, which is Sick, but i’m not as focused on that anymore as i am on the actual quality of my tone. which is...good? i’m not just a baritone, i’m kind of a good one, at least it seems like. i’m really working right now on just getting familiar with my instrument - i’m second-guessing my pitch sensitivity a lot, but i think i really just need to drill and practice until everything starts feeling like second nature again. but since the musical didn’t happen for me, my coach wants to enter me in a classical solo competition next spring. so...no more retirement from competitive singing. i’m back! and thank god, because i’m starting to go crazy without being in musical work lol.

jesus fuck, i have a lot to say. i should probably split this into two posts but i don’t care. i am frustrated; i tried to get an appointment with a pro bono legal program for a name change, but it happened today and i wasn’t invited so apparently i’m on my own. and i’m frustrated. i’m trying to look at internships and shit for next summer, but i kind of can’t apply right now because my legal name and sex don’t line up with my presentation, and i don’t really know how easy it is to get away with that in this day and age and especially in my field. genuinely, if anyone has any advice, i’d appreciate it. i don’t know how long this will take, i don’t know what the requirements are, i don’t know if i’m better off just applying now and hoping they don’t eliminate me before ever getting me an interview. and, of course, i’m working on getting consultations for top surgery, but i keep catching myself procrastinating that. which seems weird, but listen. i’ve said it before but i have to emphasize, i am capital-t Terrified of getting this surgery. i know i need to, i know it will make things better for me, i know now is the time, i know i hate binding and can’t really get away with not doing so, but jesus fuck i am so frightened of anesthesia it’s not even funny. but i guess i’m mostly just calling myself out here and telling myself to quit being a big baby, schedule the thing, and give myself a few months to prepare.

anyway. that’s all i have to say. i’d apologize for ranting, but honestly...i dunno. i know at the start of all this a handful of you requested these updates, and i have to imagine it’s because at least some of you are transitioning, are thinking of doing so, or know someone who is or will be soon. and i just hope someone out there can at least relate, because there honestly just aren’t a lot of comparable life changes out there. or maybe this is just therapeutic for me, that’s fine too.

i have two midterms next week i should be studying for. i should do that.

#t.txt #not horses #the puberty diaries #menstruation mention

[anarcoqueer1994]

Idea: some teacher giving Marty shit for being trans so TJ steps up and the teacher is like "Why do you care are you trans or something?" Then just TJ obliterates the teacher with yes I am

So a short story inspire by an idea from one of my favorite folx on here. I am always down for more trans stories. Also slight inspiration from that one episode of Dawson's Creek where the shitty English teacher forced Jack out of the closet.

One more thing, please remember you are so valid regardless of your gender identity (or lack there of) and if you have shitty people in your life telling you differently, they are wrong.

So anyways here is "Bad Teacher" or Jesus fucking Christ, can Marty get a break?

The summer between Marty's 6th and 7th grade year, he came out as trans. He began presenting in a more masculine way. His parents were outraged and refused to accept it. But when he got back to school, it was a different story. He showed up on his first day of 7th garde and no one seemed to care. People that knew him by his deadname, were for the most part respectful towards him, while some people just assumed he was a new student. He even talked to his teachers, and even when his own parents would not respect him, his teachers did.

Things were going fine for three years, but everything changed his sophomore year of high school.  His English teacher, Mr. Williams, was a total asshole. Marty has been pretty up front about his transition to his teachers. He made it a habit to meet with his teachers on the first day of class and let them know his valid name and pronouns. He found it was easier and less awkward then correcting them in class. So he did the same with Mr. Williams. But unlike every other teacher, after hearing Marty's request not to be deadnamed, he didn't seem to care what Marty wanted.

"Now Mara" He seemed to almost smirk as Marty cringed. "I address every one of my students by the name given to me on the class roster. No nicknames."

"But sir, it isn't a nickname. It's my real name." Marty said, almost pleading.

"No. Its Mara. Now, you may be excused." He said coldly.

"But..."

"No buts." He cuts the boy off. "As I said, you are excused."

Marty left the classroom dejected. There was no winning this guy over and his parents weren't any help either. Sometimes he was so jealous of TJ. He even felt bad about being jealous of his best friend. Obviously he was happy for him, but it was still hard. TJ's parents had been so supportive. His parents let him start on T before freshmen year and even let him get his name legally changed. So that stupid roster had his actual name on it and not his deadname. Mr Williams, and most students had no idea that TJ was trans. Marty wishes he had that freedom.

But he didn't. So he did his best to speak as little as possible in English in hopes of avoiding his teacher speaking at him. This worked for a few weeks, Mr. Williams not having an excuse to say the name. He hated the feeling of seperation he felt when he was addressed by the name that even sounded alien to him. It was bad enough he had to listen to his mother calling him that everyday(his dad doesn't really speak to him.) To top it all off, this is one of the only classes he doesn't share with Buffy, the person who always has his back. On the flip side though, at least TJ and Cyrus are in the same English class.

Then one day, everything fell apart.  Mr. Williams was collecting their poetry assignments. They were told to write about how they are feeling, so that is what Marty did. He spilled his heart out over a crinkly sheet of white note book paper. 

When he got to the front of the classroom with all the poems, he smirked. "How about we read some of these out loud?"

Marty immediately said "I thought you said these were personal."

Williams looks at Marty over the top of his glasses. "I am the teacher. I can change my mind. Now, get to the front of the classroom, Mara..." The entire room freezes as he continues. " You are going first. " Marty looks down but out of the corner of his eye, he sees both TJ and Cyrus' faces shift to anger.

"Please..." Marty begs. "I don't want to read it." He tries to ignore the name.

"Get up here, now." He says harshly. "Or you and everyone else here can take a zero on the assignment." There was a collective groan from the class.

Marty slowly gets up from his seat. As he does, TJ whispers, "You don't have to do this, man."

Marty gives him and Cyrus(who is sitting right beside him) a sad smile before walking up to the front. His hands are shakey as Mr. Williams hand him the poem. He looks down at the page filled with hurt and disapproval and every personal thing that he didn't think he'd be reading out loud. He starts reading. He can barely get through a couple lines before his voice cracks and he stops.

"Well, come on. Continue, Mara." The teacher says in an arrogant tone.

Marty turns his head with a few rebel tears threatening to fall at any moment. His voice is broken as he says. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"Because I'm the teacher and I can."

With that, Marty throws the paper to the ground and runs past him out of the room.TJ and Cyrus instinctively stand up to follow him. Mr. Williams shoots his attention to them. "Where do you think you two are going?"

Cyrus stays quiet but does not sit down. TJ knows Cyrus would be too nervous to talk to disobey a teach so he responds instead. "To see if he is okay!" The blond replies.

"She made her decision. Now get back in your seats before I write you two up too for disrupting my class."

HE was crying, sir! Do you not have a heart?!"

"Settle down, Mr. Kippen! Or I will see you in detention tomorrow!"

"You know what?! Do it then, give me as many damn detentions as you want." Cyrus puts his hand on TJ's shoulder to calm him down.

"Why are you doing this? Why do you care?" He says sternly.

"Because Marty is my best friend."

"Mara." Williams corrects.

"No, Marty. He is my best friend. But you want to know why else I care?" He asks rhetorically before looking to Cyrus for reassurance. Once he does this he knows there is no going back. Cyrus slides his hand down to TJ's, interlocking their fingers so TJ knows he has backup. TJ takes a deep breath. "I care because I'm trans."

He hears a few shocked whispers from around the room but it's their teacher that looks the most dumbfounded. "You mean, you're a girl, too?"

"No, I'm a guy. And you are a teacher who is about to have two complaints filed with the school board for discrimination. " Now it is TJ who is smirking as he pulls Cyrus with him and past the transphobe pretending to be a teacher.

They find Marty sitting against the row of lockers down the hall from their classroom. Cyrus and TJ sit on either side of him, and Marty just cries. TJ knows he will fill his friend in later on what went down but right now he just needed to be.

#andi mack #marty trans #trans!tj #trans!marty #tj trans #tj kippen #marty from the party #cyrus #supportive cyrus #bad teacher #transphobia

[ri-notafan]

My real last name is exquisely neutral when used as a first name which is cool because I’m non binary but not entirely out in life because it’s a conservative area and I don’t want to deal with that bullshit. To be clear, my first name is not a deadname. Yet. It’s up in the air with whether or not it will be in the future, but it’s okay now.

However, for Zoom we have to have something like our school address which is [email protected], but the first part. It isn’t built in to Zoom to automatically apply our school address, so I just use the signature from my e-mail of my first initial.last name, like ‘R.Morgan’. I did that to get my teachers used to responding to my last name, equating it with me as much as my first name, which works well since it’s how it gets pulled up in roll, right? (Sometimes this doesn’t work because they still use my first name (incorrectly) even though it’s right in front of them when they put my address in, a separate reason as why I go by last name most of the time.)

So we have a sub today and she’s really engaged, which is cool, but at the end we were to share-out two things from today we kept in our heads and she goes down the list and she gets to my name and goes ‘okay, I know you’re name is not Morgan, it’s Rebekah or Rosalie or something. This is why you guys need to use your full names or what you go by as your username-‘ I had to interrupt them and say that I do go by it and that it is fine, but she went ‘no, it is not fine’ and started to make some invalid point that I didn’t care to listen for and I bulldozed on and shared what stuck with me for the presentations and was done. Fuck no, I was not going to be some ‘teachable moment’ to teach the wrong thing.

I had already put what I went by down. It may not be my full name, but it’s what I like and want to be. I am consistent in that. What I don’t get is that people walk over that anyway. If I say something is fine, I mean it. This happened Freshman year as well. Y’all have other people who go by different nicknames that sound ridiculous (Cricket. I don’t even know his first name.) and I don’t bat an eyelash either, but the second I prefer my last name it’s now something to do with professionalism and a whole bunch of garbage.

It ain’t even that odd! I plan to be a school teacher for at least ten years, so I will be called by my last name all the time! It’ll be Mr/Ms/Mx/Teacher Morgan for YEARS. We are in the Teacher Education course, so it shouldn’t be hard to make the incorrect yet still accurate conclusion that I’m prepping for that.

#rant #names #neutral #non binary #last names #surnames #first names #given names #what i didnt say #long post #y’all can call me morgan btw #lgbtq #lgbt #gender

[azurowle]

I think what irks me most about TERFs is that they would welcome my very Catholic, very conservative, subtly racist, very pro-life mother with open arms, if only to stick it to the transes.

My mother has spent the last year misgendering and deadnaming me, and I have said nothing, because I know this is a big change for my parents. When I told them I was moving forward with the name/sex marker change process and wanted to be known by my chosen name and pronouns going forward, she refused to look at me and continued to deadname/misgender me until I asked her politely to stop.

Now she won’t call me anything at all.

On the one hand I can understand it. I was the only other woman in the family, despite the fact that my mother and I are dramatically different and there’s constant tension between the two of us. I guess she felt some sort of kinship because of that, at least that’s what a friend theorizes.

On the other hand, the fact that she is being childish about it is her problem, and doesn’t give her a right to be disrespectful and passive-aggressive towards me. For once in my adult life, I am something remotely resembling stable and able to cope with my issues in ways that don’t involve cutting, flirting with alcoholism, or lashing out. All things that I thought were objectively good things after fifteen years of searching for some goddamn peace of mind, or five minutes where I could just be fucking happy.

Now I am, and it’s apparently this terrible, awful, no-good thing because I didn’t spend fifteen MORE years staying miserable and fighting to find mental health help that was the “right kind” (aka “just wub itself as u r bb u don’t need to be a nasty evil tr*nny! uwu” Wow, thanks, I’m cured.).

I suppose I’m “lucky” in that, in the end, my mother would still rather get her advice from a patriarchal construct rather than people she considers “feminazis”.

But the overlap between conservatism and gender critics is getting smaller and smaller every day. And all it would take is a simple Google search to come across cesspools like 4thWaveNow, Transgender Trender, and Parents of ROGD Kids.

It’s one reason why I’m grateful I’m transitioning as a legal adult. My parents are already controlling assholes. The last thing high school me needed was to have what precious few supports I had while I was questioning and still thought I was a lesbian torn out from under me.

#anti terf #anti gender critical #transphobia tw #self harm mention #terfs

[dysphoric-dumbass13]

guess what bitch. all of the flower asks. if i have to do it, you have to do it

Hahaha, love you too. Asshole.

Alisons: Sexuality? - Hahahaha bold of you to assume I have any clue. I like girls. I like guys. I like nonbinary people. And other people on the spectrum. I’m not pan, idk what though. Plus the label doesn’t really matter.

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender? - I’m a demiboy, so he/him/his or they/them/theirs. Whichever, it doesn’t really matter. Though I personally feel more masculine.

Amaryllis: Birthday? - Today lol (January 13th)

Anemone: Favorite flower? - Would it be cliche and stupid to say roses? Because those. Weirdly.

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show? - Damn that’s hard. Between BBC Sherlock, BBC Merlin, Supernatural, Once Upon A Time, and John Mulaney (shut up it counts)

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger? - It really depends on the situation. I would give away clothing, risk my life, give them shelter in my home, allow them to borrow my phone, but them lunch... I’d do a lot for anyone. Even though I have trust issues.

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes? - “Yeah, the asshole who sent me this (love you alex)” - @eyeforaneye-toothforatooth lmao. Truly though? “Your destiny is calling, you better find out what he wants.” and “A half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole.”, both from Merlin, about Merlin and Arthur. They're just so gay.

Aubrieta: Favorite drink? - Tea.

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? - Meh. Sure. I don’t really care. The one right before that by like 10 seconds, 100%.

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love? - Yes. Oh god yes.

Baneberries: Favorite song? - Literally impossible. You are insane.

Basket of Gold: Describe your family. - A disaster. Both biological and chosen. I have 3 little brothers in my chosen family and all of them are younger than me.

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it? - I have 5. The bitch who sent me this (love you), Evan, TJ, Shiro, and Sid.

Begonia: Favorite color? - Bloodred and black.

Bellflower: Favorite animal? - Wolves. They’re amazing.

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person? - I’m not a person. But mornings fuck me up dude.

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be? - A dodo bird. Because they’re all dead.

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? - So many things. A lead singer of a band (which I might get to do soon, yay), a policeman, an fbi agent, a photographer, etc. 

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children? - I love them, I’d probably adopt older children because they need it the most, but I love children so much.

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why? - I answered this earlier, “I am afraid of spiders. Because they have so many legs and so many eyes and THEY DON’T FUCKING NEED ALL OF THEM LIKE WTF?!?!?!?!?!”

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood. - About 75% of the food my brother and I ate was Ramen, Pop Tarts, and instant rice.

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth? - With the people I love the most.

Buttercup: Relationship status? - Sadly single :(

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go? - Ireland. Without a doubt. It’s so beautiful.

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved? - I answered this one too. “When I’m cuddling with someone I care about while watching one of my favorite shows or movies. Or just when I’m cuddling someone I care about. And yes, that includes my puppy. (Funny joke, I’m watching Merlin while watching Merlin) (Merlin is my puppy).”

Canna: Do you have any tattoos? - Sadly no. I will though.

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings? - Two in each ear.

California Poppy: Height? - 5′3½″

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts? - Yeah.

Carnation: What are you currently wearing? - Jeans and a flannel, as always.

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight? - Yes.

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged? - Sid. He’s the best, honestly.

Chrysanthemum: Who was the last person you kissed? - TJ. He’s basically my brother. The person before that was Shiro, and both of those were New Years Day at like midnight.

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font? - Calligraphy. It’s so fun to write in. But in computers, Times New Roman for some reason.

Columbine: Are you tired? - *in Snape’s voice* Alllllllways

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to? - A good night’s sleep for once.

Coneflower: Dream job? - Lead singer of a rock band, which I’ll probably get to do soon!

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert? - Extrovert, definitely.

Crocus: Have you ever been in love? - This question was already asked. But yes.

Crown Imperial: What’s the furthest you’d go for someone you care about? - To the ends of the Earth.

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it? - Yes. It was a huge stuffed cheetah. Now it’s a giant stuffed bear from Evan.

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign? - Capricorn. I was supposed to be an Aquarius. And I personally think I’m an Aquarius more than a Capricorn.

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering? - Not really. Other than date people.

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment? - I don’t fucking know. Winning the school spelling bee in 5th grade?

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)? - I wouldn’t care. If I love them and they love me, that’s all that matters to me.

Dandrobium: Who is the last person you said “I love you” to? - Sid I think.

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at? - Idk. Singing?

Foxgloves: What is something you’re bad at? - Everything.

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened to you in the last month? - I got a puppy, I got my binder, I gave my (now ex) girlfriend the best gift I’ve ever given in my life.

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today? - Considering all I’ve done is watched Merlin, type this, and cuddle with Merlin? Pretty good.

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you're at in your life? - Nope.

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two? - Die :)

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life? - In no particular order: @eyeforaneye-toothforatooth, Evan, TJ, Shiro, Sid, Merlin, BBC Merlin, Sherlock, Supernatural, Harry Potter

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed? - Healthily? Dying my hair, listening to music, reading, writing, and getting hugs.

Hellebore: How do you show your affection? - Many ways. Mostly hand hearts, gifts, trust, and hugs.

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of? - My flannel collection. I don’t know the exact number but it’s immense.

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day. - cuddling with my friends while watching shows and movies and reading.

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time? - Read. Write. Listen to music. Watch TV. Cuddle.

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them? - ok gimme a sec.

@eyeforaneye-toothforatooth: They hated me when we met. We’ve known each other for... 3 or 4 years? We met in science in 6th grade I think.

Evan: We met in 6th grade. They noticed we had the same flannel on and commented on it. I hated them for like 2 years. Then we became friends, dated, now we’re best friends. I love them so much.

TJ: He was a friend of my best friend’s friend. Started hanging out in 7th grade, been like brothers ever since.

Shiro: Barely knew each other, then kinda “met” in 8th grade. Quickly became friends, dated, became best friends ever since.

Sid: Met him in SAGA this year. He bought me a binder, he’s the kindest person to me at my new school. I love him so much.

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything? - I can talk to @eyeforaneye-toothforatooth about practically everything. I love them so much.

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have? - Surprisingly a lot.

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? - Idk. “You look very handsome today.”?

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself? - What an utter piece of garbage.

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself? - My eyebrows? Idk they look cool, especially when I do them. One’s got a slit.

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself? - All of it.

Lilac: What is something you liked to do as a child? - Sleep. When I could.

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid? - It changed at least once every year. Paige, Sheyenne, Peyton, Chloe, the list goes on.

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty of? - I followed everyone in kinda making fun of this kid who was a trans girl. I felt so guilty about it then, and I feel so guilty about it now. I hope she is living her best life now, and if she’s reading this I want her to know I am so so sorry. And I have felt it too, I have been made fun of for my gender identification. I am so sorry.

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about? - Idk. There’s one thing I’m sworn not to tell about but the person who asked me this knows, so it doesn’t matter.

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name? - My deadname? Means “grace of god”, because my family is very Christian. My chosen name? Means “Defender of men; protector of mankind.” Which is honestly just so badass. I chose it because I liked it and it was genderneutral.

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it. - Fort Collins, Colorado babyyyyyyyyy. It was nice and peaceful and small and I loved it.

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up? - Small. Always a disaster. Sadly shared with my brother.

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years? - So far? Sucky as fuck. I hate it. I love my friends, but other than that I hate it. I’m only like halfway through them anyway. It’s been spent trying to prove to my parents that I am just as good as my brother, who I happened to raise.

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom. - Awesome. Sweet and kind, short, with red hair, hazel eyes, and freckles. She’s caring, and she was raised in a Christian house but she’s trying so hard to be accepting, to fight against her religion for her child and I love that so much. I love her so much.

Onions: Tell about your dad. - Kinda annoying. Plays video games all day and makes my brother and I do everything around the house. He tries to be nice and stuff but it really doesn’t work that well. He basically says he “doesn’t care” about the whole sexuality thing and gender thing and then he says stuff like “you can’t really know til your hormones have settled” and “Your name is your name until you can legally change it.” It’s stupid.

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents. - Which ones? I have multiple. I have 4 grandmas and 4 grandpas. Tho I suppose they’re all pretty similar. Very Christian, yet pretty accepting. They love me to death. I have one super transphobic grandpa, but basically all of them helped me raise my brother when I was little and my dad was asleep from working nights and my mom was at work all day. I owe them a lot. And I love them so much.

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it so memorable? - My 12th. My best friend Val was there and so was my friend Tei and that was it, and they basically got along too well and I was really left out of things at my own birthday party. It was annoying. It was the first time I ever felt true jealousy, and that’s why I remember it so well. I haven’t liked a birthday since because it reminds me of that. I used to like it because it was a day when my parents actually payed attention to me and were off, but now everyone makes too big of a deal of it and I just wish it didn’t exist.

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any? - SAGA club, he founded it a couple years ago. He’s super kind to me and he does so much for me, god I don’t deserve him. He bought me a binder. And he’s my best friend. I love him so much.

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain? - Healthily? Getting hugs and cuddles from my better friends. I can’t really do much of that lately though. *cries in a corner*

Pink: Where is home? - With the family and friends I’ve found.

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change? - Wow. Hard choice. I’d either kill Hitler as a baby, or prevent my own conception.

Prarie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them. - Sid if you’re reading this I am so sorry, and I’m so sorry for mentioning you so much. But I look up to him, because he is one of the best people I know. I love him so much. He’s sweet and just sadncaspdnnhciodsifcnsjxsojcm.

Primrose: Describe your ideal life. - Idc what’s going on in it, as long as it’s with my found family and friends. I’d like my depression, anxiety, and ADHD to disappear though, ideally.

Rhondendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child? - Jesus. Or life. Either one works.

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life? - That’s hard. @eyeforaneye-toothforatooth, Sid, Evan, TJ, Shiro, Freddie Mercury, Elton John, or David Bowie (may Mercury and Bowie rest in peace)

Rose: What’s your favorite sound? - Music. Definitely music.

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory? - When I was at our first organized rehearsal for OneActs. I just love hanging out with so many fellow gays (and yes, I am including the straight twink that is Simon)

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory? - Um, I don’t want to go into detail on that. I was 5. It was bad.

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want? - A boyfriend lol

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things? - Depends. In a relationship? Pretty easy. Any other time? Near impossible until I break.

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine your life without? - There’s 3. Pie, music, and my brother TJ.

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night? - I doped myself up on melatonin so about 7½. Usually its between 1 and 4, if I’m lucky enough to fall asleep.

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning? - The people I care most about. My best friends. Also the reason I don’t stab myself through the heart. They keep me going. I love them all so much. They mean too much to me to hurt them, if I could in any way.

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job? - Living or school? Either one I hate it. I don’t have an actual job.

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing? - My flannels. Or my band tees. Or my leather jacket from TJ.

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic. - I don’t fully know what this is asking. I guess the smell of worn flannel, old worn leather, grease from a car, hair dye, smudged eyeliner, and conjoined lips? Idk.

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you? - Idk. Best present I’ve ever recieved was a binder. But I’d say worn flannel from a thrift store.

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now? - Grandparents spamming my phone with “Happy Birthday [deadname]!!!” texts

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the last few months? What were they called? - Idk dude.

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year? - Dead or with a partner.

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is? - Oddly enough, no. But I don’t think I want to.

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself. - I have green eyes.

Kass I hate you.

[video-killed-the-radio-host]

Father Dearest

With the help of the ever amazing @acealex-blueiguana , we wrote some angst about Cecil’s not very nice father.

TW: racism against Carlos, homophobia, deadnaming, misgendering

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Cecil puts the phone down, his face paler than usual. He leans on the counter and presses a hand over his mouth.

Carlos looks up from his work at the table. "Cecil? What is it?" He stands. "What's wrong? What happened?"

Cecil turns, burying his face in Carlos's shoulder.

"Love, I need you to talk to me." Carlos says softly, rubbing Cecil's back.

Cecil picks up his head. "My father is coming over for dinner." He whispers.

"I thought your father was dead?"

Cecil shakes his head but doesn't look up. "No. I wish I could say he was though."

"Maybe he wants to make amends?"

"You really think so?"

"We shouldn't rule it out."

Cecil nods but doesn't look convinced. He lets out a soft sigh and looks away. "Michael will be home soon."

"What are we going to tell your father?"

"It's none of his damn business!" Cecil snaps before taking a breath. "I'm sorry." He whispers. "I'm sorry."

"Hey." Carlos murmurs, cupping Cecil's face. "We'll figure it out. I promise." He turns as the door opens. Michael stands there for a moment, laughing and waving at presumably at Mika.

Michael walks into the house, shutting and locking the door behind him. "Home!" He calls out and carefully walks to the kitchen counter to lay his backpack down.

Carlos steps away from Cecil after giving him a soft kiss. "How was your day?" He asks,pulling open the fridge. "I'm thinking lasagna for dinner. What do you think?"

"There was a fight at school. Bet ya can guess at least one person involved." He smirks. "Whatever you make is always good. Still better than my house." The words come so easily. This is home to him now, but when did the change in his mind happen?

Carlos laughs. "Even Cecil's cooking is better than your house.'

"Hey! Rude. My cooking isn't that bad."

Carlos closes the fridge. "You made toast inedible."

"Maybe I like it burnt."

"Not even Khoshekh would eat it."

Cecil huffs a pout before looking at Michael. "Michael...um...my father is coming over tonight. I wanted to let you know."

The boy tilts his head, eyebrows furrowed. "Your father? How did he even find you?" He asks before shaking his head and twisting his sleeves. "Do- um- do you want me to stay someplace else while hes here then? I can stay at the station or see if Mika will let me crash with them- theyre normally down for it…"

"I have no idea…" Cecil shakes his head. "No. This is your home and if he doesn't like it, he can leave." As much as he didn't want to admit it, having Michael there would help to keep him grounded.

"Okie dokie." He pauses. "Um… if you change your mind, let me know. I can get Mika to pick me up if needed… I'm not really the greatest kid, and I dont wanna cause problems with your da- father."

"I'd rather have you here than him." Cecil says with a small smile.

Carlos puts the pasta dough and a jar of homemade sauce on the counter. "Do you know anything about your father?"

Cecil shakes his head with a sigh. "Never met him."

"Samesies." Michael says, trying to lighten the mood, before giving Cecil a hug. "We'll figure it out."

"Yes we will because that's what we do." Carlos smiles.

Cecil nods a little, wrapping his arms around Michael. "Yeah."

Unsure how to help right now, the boy changes topic to get Cecils mind on something else. "Mika was in the fight. They did good as usual. They also got suspended but promised they'd still walk me there and hang around until its time for us to go home."

"Who did they fight this time? And why?"

Carlos shakes his head with a laugh. "That kid is something else." He says as he starts to roll out the dough.

"One of the jocks on the football team. They threw food at Roger, so Mika threw a fist." He smiles. "Roger's okay. We checked on him before they got dragged to the office."

"Ah that means I'll be getting a phone call from a conflicted Earl later then." Cecil chuckles softly. "Oh well. I'm glad he had someone to stand up for him."

Carlos looks over his shoulder. "I don't condone fighting but i hope Mika kicked their ass."

"We both try to stand up for him, but Mika does a much better job." He nods. "They definitely kicked his ass. The dude didnt even know what was happening at first."

"I'm sure you won't have a problem with him anymore."

Carlos lets out a loud groan, making Cecil jump. "We are out of garlic!"

"Carlos it's not the end of the world."

"It's bad luck. My mama said that if you don't have garlic in your house when a stranger comes, bad things will happen."

"So get more garlic?" Michael offers. "Did you have garlic when I showed up?"

"Course we did. It wasn't fresh though…"

"I'll just run to the store and-" Cecil is cut off by the doorbell. He pales a little. "He's here." He whispers.

"Breathe, dad. We got this." The boy hugs Cecil tighter. "I'll get the door if ya want."

Cecil shakes his head. "No. I'll be alright."  He takes a deep breath and squares his shoulders before crossing to the front door and opening it. He stared at the man on the other side of the door in shock. He looked just like Cecil, same deep eyes and platinum hair. He was lacking the winding tattoos though as far as Cecil could see. No wonder my mother hated looking at me. Cecil thinks.

Brian stands for a moment before crossing his arms. "You going to make your old man stand outside all night?"

Cecil quietly moves to the side, watching the man enter the house.

Michael grabs his bag off the countertop and slings one strap over his shoulder. "I'll- um- go put my stuff away…" he says to Carlos: his tone hinting at his growing anxiety. Visitors at his house always meant stricter parents than normal. After all, they have to save face and br the happy family the Richardsons claim they are.

He cautiously walks into the living room, doing his best to stay hidden and out of the way. He just has to make it to his room.

Carlos nods and puts a reassuring hand on Michael's shoulder before joining Cecil in the living room. "Hello Mr. Palmer. I'm-"

"Cecil you got yourself a maid?" Brian asks, looking impressed.

"I'm not-"

"Carlos is my husband." Cecil corrects.

"No. No son of mine is a fag."

Michael tenses at the word. "Not really your son." The kid, against his better judgement, mumbles under his breath as he's halfway across the room.

That catches Brian's attention and he studies the child. "You must be Michelle. The nice lady in yellow at the station told me about you."

"His name is Michael." Cecil says, shoulders tense. "And-"

Sensing that Cecil is about to ramble, Carlos speaks up. "Would you like a drink? Dinner is in the oven so we have about forty five minutes before we can eat."

"Got any whiskey?"

"We don't drink."

Brian cocks an eyebrow. "Since when? Last I heard you were a drunk and a whore." He snaps at Michael. "Get me a drink girl."

Of course she did. Lauren is just wonderful that way isnt she. Michael tries to brush off the sinking feeling in his stomach. He still has to put his bag away after all, so he ignores the request. Brian makes him feel similar to his Father, but Cecil and Carlos wouldnt let him hurt him. Right?

So Michael just grips his strap tighter and continues walking to the guest room. Theyve got forty five minutes to survive this "pleasant" conversation. He can manage that.

"Leave him alone. I'll get your drink." Cecil stands, grateful for the excuse to leave the room. He gets a glass of water but leans on the counter to collect himself. He hears his father call after him, something about not liking his attitude.

"Kids these days. To lazy to even listen." He looks at the Hispanic man he was left alone with. "It's bad enough my son is a fag but he settled for a mexican of all people?"

Carlos tightens his jaw and waits before answering. "I am not a Mexican. Not all Hispanics are from Mexico. I'm from Chile."

"I don't care what you are."

Michael flings his bag onto the bed. "People fucking suck." He says to himself. He doesnt want to go back out there, but he doubts Carlos or Cecil would be happy with him hiding away. So he snags his rubiks cube off the night stand and makes his way back to the living room.

"I'm not going to sit here and let you insult me."

"Well you're free to go back to the field you came from with-" Brian clicks his tongue. "Six bastard kids?"

"Here." Cecil interrupts before Carlos could answer. "All we have is water." That isn't the truth but his father didn't need to know about the bottle of wine stored away for a special day.

"Damn took you long enough. I see your mother didn't teach you anything about good manners."

"She was too busy raising two kids by herself."

"And what's your excuse with her?" He gestures at Michael.

Michael glances up at him before turning his attention back to the rubiks cube. It's the only way to keep himself from misbehaving. The click of the cube and the ability to keep his hands busy help his anxiety in a manner that doesnt destroy the sleeves of hoodies. Hes trying to swallow the growing pit of dysphoria, knowing that this evening will only make it worse.

"He's fine." Carlos sits down in a recliner as Cecil settles in the rocking chair. "You're hardly in a place to give parenting advice."

Cecil looks over, his face pale again. "Carlos…"

Brian shakes his hand and sets the glass down with a thud. "What you know about being a father? Besides the fact that you're supposed to throw sandals at them to shut them up."

The boy flinches at the cup and bites his tongue. He wants to say something. He wants to stand up for his dads, but hes scared. He doesnt know how Brian will react, and hes only just starting to heal again after being beaten by his own father.

"Is there a reason you're here or did you just come to insult my lifestyle?"

Looking away from Carlos, Brian looks at Cecil. "You'll do well to speak when spoken to boy."

"You'll do well to-"

"Why don't we change the subject?"

Michael keeps his head down, afraid of what might happen if he steps out of line. He's nearly done with solving the rubiks cube. Click. Click. Click. The sound near deafening when the conversation has silences.

"Fine. Straight to the chase then."

Cecil doesn't answer, pulling out his latest project and a set of knitting needles. He does look up when he feels eyes on him.

"Do you have any sense of manhood at all?"

"He could kill you with those needles." Carlos muses. "And I'd help."

Click. Click. Click. The boy smiles as he solves the cube. "Carlos?" He asks. Waving the cube at the scientist, he silently asks for him to shuffle before tossing it across the room to him.

Carlos catches the cube and looks at it for a moment before beginning to shuffle it. He turns it and shakes his head, shuffling it more before tossing it back. "There ya go."

"Some of us appreciate the beauty in art and take pride in what they make." He looks up at his father. "Even if it isn't what you want." He had a cold but sad look in his eyes.

"If it isn't good enough, toss it away and start over. That's common sense."

"The Chinese fix broken things with gold to show they are still beautiful despite being broken."

"Well last I check we are not Chinese. And we are to good for broken things. When something breaks, throw it away."

Michael scoffs at Brian's first words. That's what his birth parents did, but Cecil is different. "And you know all about common sense." He mutters as he works on the cube again. The kid knows he's not suppose to speak but cant help it. This dick is a moron, and hes lucky that Mika didnt stay for dinner like usual.

"Excuse me little girl?"

"You're good at throwing things away." Cecil whispers.

"You will not speak to your father that way."

"You cant call yourself that. You're just a deadbeat sperm donor." Michael snaps before he can catch himself.

"That is definitely out of line…" He mentally scolds himself. "Mika will find this amusing."

"You gave up the right to call yourself my father when you walked out before my mother and I even left the hospital." Cecil snaps, dropping his project to his lap.

"You haven't earned the right to have me be your father."

"You never even gave me the chance to try and be good enough for you!"

Carlos flinches at Cecil's words but tenses as Brian stands.

Panic and fear flood Michael's system when Brian stands, but the idea of him hurting Cecil forces himself to his feet. A giant on one end and a teen a little over five feet on the other. Brian is like his Father, but for some reason he doesnt feel as terrified standing up to him. "This is not your house. You do not get to talk to my dad like that." He growls.

Cecil keeps his eyes level with Brian as he stands, despite his heart pounding in his chest. Especially when Michael speaks.

Brian stops his track toward Cecil and turns on Michael. "You do not tell me how to deal with my son. I'm too late to make a decent man but I'm sure that can change."

Cecil stands and moves across the room, stopping in front of the older man. "I am not afraid of you, Brian Alexander Palmer."

Cecil barely flinches when a wide hand comes across his face.

"You do not get to address me like that. I am your father!"

"Abby was more of a father to me than you ever could have been."

Carlos manages to catch Brian's wrist before he can hit Cecil again. The motion causes Brian's sleeve to slip down a little.

Cecil's eyes fall on the marks on Brian's arms. The needle marks he knew all too well. I'm just like him….

Maybe Mika wasnt the best influence, or maybe they were the best one Michael could have.

As soon as Brian hit Cecil, Michael was reacting. He would gladly take pain if it kept Cecil safe. Rage immediately flooded the panic that was in his chest, and he throws the rubiks cube directly at Brian's head. "Asshole!" Michael yells. Hands clenched into fists; his body moving forward towards the bastard. Fight or flight. For once the boy chooses to fight.

Brian's head snapped to the side when it was struck by the plastic cube and he jerks his hand free from Carlos's grip. "You little bitch!" He brings his heel down on the cube, feeling it break under his foot. "I'll put you in your place since my worthless son can't seem to do that."

Cecil and Carlos react at the same time, rushing toward Brian as he lunges toward Michael.

Carlos manages to get ahold of the back of Brian's shirt but Cecil gets an elbow to the Face and stumbles back.

Too late to change my mind now. Michael's eyes dart to Cecil as he gets knocked back, but he stands his ground. Fists clenched, and eyes determined. He knows how to dodge and throw a punch. Hes not allowed to defend himself, but hes not defending himself right now. Hes defending Cecil. Hes defending his dad.

Carlos pulls Brian back towards him and away from Michael. "Not in my house."

Brian struggles against Carlos's hold. "The little brat needs to know her place."

Cecil picks himself up, nose bleeding a little but he didn't care. "You will not lay a hand on my son."

"My place is here. You do not get to talk to my dads like that." Murder in the boy's eyes.

"Where is your real family? Cause I sure as hell know this isn't it. Cecil's to dumb to keep anything alive more than a week."

"Out." Cecil says, voice shaking a little. "I want you out of my house."

"I came for dinner and we haven't eaten yet so I'm not leaving until I get what I came for."

Carlos brings his free and up to grasp the back of Brian's neck. "You heard him."

"This is my real family. But you havent met everyone." His eyes hold fire as he stares at the bastard. "Trevor! Can you help? Please!" The boy yells, making sure the sheriff's secret policeman can clearly hear. "Be lucky Mika didnt stay for dinner, or youd already be dead. You are nothing but worthless scum. So get out."

"Who the hell is Trevor?"

"If you bothered to stick around, you'd know." Cecil couldn't fight the smirk as the door was flung open.

"In my defense," Trevor says as he makes his way toward where Brian was struggling in Carlos's hold. "I would have intervened sooner but I didn't want to spook you. Also I found cool lizard in the bush." The Secret Policeman stops in front of Brian. "I was wondering if I'd ever see your face again Brian. I haven't missed it." He punches Brian in the nose, causing a satisfying crack. "That's for hitting an upstanding member of our town." He then thumbs Brian's forehead. "That's cause you're ugly."

"I appreciate it, Trevs." Michael smiles. "Did ya get any pictures of the lizard?"

"Hold em for me?" Trevor takes Michael's hand and puts down a blue gecko with orange spots. "It's not poisonous. I already checked. I'll take this" He takes ahold of Brian's arm. "And be back soon."

"You better take your hands off of me! I have rights!"

"Night Vale doesn't work like the outside world and I'm sure you'll find that out." Carlos calls with a wave before looking back at Cecil.

His nose had stopped bleeding which is good but he still was shaken up.

"Hey" Carlos says softly. "It's alright. He's gone now."

The boy cups his hands to keep the gecko in his hold. "I'm sorry for not behaving and staring a scene… I didnt mean for you to get hurt…" Michael whispers. He made it worse. Maybe he shouldve stayed with Mika.

Cecil shakes his head. "I was dumb to think he would be a nice guy." He sits down and puts his head in his hands. "I'm sorry I let him in here. I should have known better."

"There's no way you could have known…"

"I should have known! And what if I turn out just like him? I already am like him…." He groans. "I should have known."

Michael plays with the lizard as he walks over to Cecil. "Hey…" He gently taps Cecil with his foot. "You're not like him. I can prove it. Do ya want me t list all the ways I already know you're nothing like him?"

"He has my face and…" he leans down and rolls up his pant leg, revealing the needle scars. "It's easier to hide on my legs. I'm no better than he is."

The boy ignores Cecils attempt to argue. Hes not shocked by the scars; Em had told him about Cecil's past before. Still playing with the lizard, he sits on the floor.

"You dont drink. Ya dont misgender me- not accidentally and never intentionally unless it's to keep me safe from Mother and Father. You dont snap demands at me. You're not racist or sexist. Ya see good in broken things, and you dont see them as just trash to be thrown away. You havent walked out on your family." He lists. "Ya never broke my rubiks cube before." He gives a small smile. "You let me play with Tic Tac which I know he wouldnt ever allow if they belonged to him. You're a good dad."

"According to Abby so was he until I came along."

"And yet...you made the best you could with a shitty hand and you didn't let it beat you. Because you're stronger than he is. You are not your past. And you are not him. You are better than him."

"According to my case worker, Mother and Father were good people before I came along. Does it make it my fault that they're not good people now?" He asks wanting to prove a point.

Cecil opens his mouth to argue but whatever he was going to say was cut off by the over going off.

"See? Even the oven disagrees with you." Carlos chuckles. He stands and goes to the oven to pull dinner out.

"I know this shouldn't bother me as much as it does but it's a...chain isn't it? Hereditary?" He runs a hand through his hair. "I don't want to be like that."

"Theres no way you'll be like that. Carlos wouldnt let ya. You arent your father. Hes more of a sperm donor actually, and that doesnt determine how the kid will turn out. I dont know my birth parents, but I dont think I'm like them. I mean I wouldnt give up a defenseless kid and have them left in the snowy night only a couple hours of being alive. That's just a messed up thing to do." He pauses, taking one of Cecils hand and letting the gecko crawl onto it. "You already have shown that you're much better than Brian. You're a dad. Hes a deadbeat."

Cecil gives a small smile at the lizard before looking up at Michael. "It isn't often we switch roles." He says, his expression soft. "You're such a good kid."

"No, I'm a terrible child." He smiles. "Mika is so gonna have a field day when they find out I yelled and threw my rubiks cube at your sperm donor."

"I hope he's locked away when you tell them about how I let myself get slapped because they might go nuts."

"You didnt even flinch! I dont know how you did that! I flinched when he put his cup down too hard."

"I think I knew it was coming. I've spent enough time with pissing off Lauren to know when I'm about to get hit. Or stabbed. Or kicked. Or- yeah. I think you get the idea."

"I'm use to it too, but I still flinch. Even when m not gonna get hit, I still flinch. Its impressive."

"Tell ya a secret. I almost went into cardiac arrest. It's amazing I didn't."

"How about you stop talking about dying and come eat before this gets cold?" Carlos calls.

"I propose after dinner we watch a movie and try to salvage this evening. What do you think?"

"I couldve fought him. You and Carlos were quick to shutting that down though. Lame." He giggles and stands up, grabbing Cecils arm and trying to pull him up. "What movie?"

"I didn't want to risk you getting hurt. I can take more than you can." Cecil points out as he stands. "Coraline?"

"If I can knock you on your ass and slam Father into a wall with my ankle more sprained than usual, I think I could handle Brian." He huffs before smiling. "Okie dokie."

"I had never met him. I don't know what kind of damage he could do. I refused to risk your safety. And that's all I'm saying on it." Cecil says, hoisting Michael over his shoulder and depositing him at the kitchen table.

The boy squeaks when Cecil lifts him up and laughs when he gets dropped off at the table.

"Children. Settle down so we can eat." Carlos said,sitting the pan on the table. "Don't make me smack you both with a spoon."

"Uh rude."

"Oh hush and eat."

#wtnv #welcome to night vale #wtnv carlos #carlos the scientist #cecil palmer #wtnv cecil #cecilos #michael palmer #alex writes #angst #tw racial slurs #tw homophobia #tw misgendering #tw deadnaming

[fluidityandgiggles]

Sleep Is For The Weak - Chapter 17

Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 5, Chapter 10, Chapter 15, Last Chapter

Writing Masterlist - for previous chapters not otherwise linked, Read on AO3

Notes (I guess): Happy school year in two weeks, folks.

Not gonna lie, I actually had a plan for this chapter, and then forgot it. So... yeah, not the most cohesive or best chapter, but I got it out, and it’s nice, and I like it this way because it’s a break from the wave of panic attacks and mild transphobia the last chapter or two.

Yes, I’m back home now, and I’m doing actually much better mentally and physically than I have since September till June. But the chapters are gonna take a while longer to write from now on, because I’m about to join the scary world of job searching for the unstable ADHD brain, not to mention being involved in three regular ttrpg campaigns (where I play a halfling sorcerer, and a half-elf bard, and also DM the third one), so... my brain is busy. But I promise this fic isn’t going on hiatus! I’m still extremely dedicated and excited to be writing this fic. I love it so much. Honest.

As per every chapter, thanks go to @whatwashernameagain for KHS and for generally being a wonderful human, to @broadwaytheanimatedseries for putting up with my fangirl-levels of excitement over everything (and coming up with the original idea), to @winglessnymph, @asleepybisexual and @anony-phangirl - who, while I know they’ve all fallen out of the loop, continue to have long-lasting effects on this fic as a whole - and new to this list, to @ilovemygaydad, who I’ve asked to beta this fic for me and I hope they’d have time for that starting with the next chapter.

Happy start of college and good luck, my darling dear child. I love you.

Tag list (sort of): @bunny222, @ab-artist, @sweet-and-sour-shadowling, @your-username-is-unavailable, @virgilcrofters, @violetblossem, @maybe-i-like-the-misery, @book-of-charlie, @thatsanswitch, @thatrandomautist, @thebiggestgaypirate, @marshmallow-the-panda

(Wanna be tagged? Lemme know!)

Trigger warning: period appropriate transphobia (the early 00s were not exactly trans-friendly). This chapter is light on the transphobia, but includes aphobia, deadnaming, panphobia (yes, pansexuality was a term in the early 00s, as I learned just half an hour ago) and vague mentions of child abuse.

—————

Sunday, July 27th, 2003

Incoming call: 218-357-5555

"Ye—"

"Remy? I didn't forget your number? Oh good!"

"...Emile?"

"Yeah?"

"...what's this phone number, darling?"

"Oh! Yeah, I… my phone died, so I got a new one! Sorry I didn't tell you sooner… but, umm, I'm gonna get to the point, yeah okay, happy birthday!"

"Thank… you…? Em, you shouldn't have—"

"Ah, but see, that's where you're wrong! Because I had to, because I said that I have to! You're my best friend in the whole world, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't at least call you to say happy birthday?"

"You're precious, darling."

"Thank you! Oh, did you get my gift yet? I sent it to you in the mail last month! Did you—"

"I did, it was… well, it was unexpected, I'd give you that. Where did you even find a Jack mug anyway?"

"Disneyland…?"

"...you know what, that's fair."

"Yeah! So, happy birthday! I'll be in Manhattan next week, so like… do you wanna go see a show or something…? I haven't seen the Gypsy revival yet…"

"...it's a date, then. But you're paying."

"Yes, yes of course! It's gonna be alright, okay? You trust me?"

"With my life."

"Yay! Okay, okay, umm… yeah. I miss you! Happy birthday!"

"Thank—"

"I gotta go right now at this second it's my cousin's bat mitzvah in two days and I need to get my suit and everything but I'll call you tomorrow evening too okay?"

"Sure… have fun, darling."

"Thank you! Okay, bye!"

—————

"India M—"

"Why didn't you tell me Emile has a new number? I cannot fucking believe you!"

"He wanted to do it himself, peach. On your birthday."

"Okay… okay, I guess that's fair…"

"Happy birthday, too."

"Thanks, mom…"

"So… how'd you spend the week?"

"Nothing big happened… my dad took me to see Nina West last night. It was the fucking best."

"I'll bet. Did you have fun?"

"So much fun! She's fan-fucking-tastic. Honestly. I'd give anything for her to either do me or spare a bit of her funny to me."

"Wow… gay much?"

"Shut up."

"Don't worry, it's fine. I still need to take Jenna to a drag show sometime. Did anyone hit on you…?"

"You'll be surprised how many people hit on my dad, actually. But no. I actually broke up with Chris today because of this."

"Oh? Do tell."

"It wasn't… much. He called me a couple hours ago to say happy birthday, which is fine if you ask me but I just… it ended in him trying to talk me into not talking to Emile again. And that's normal, okay, ain't something I can't handle. But he said ‘sure he's asexual, when he isn't spreading his legs to everyone he's asexual'."

"...did he seriously think he can get away with it?"

"India, no—"

"I don't give a fuck anymore, peach. I'm not going to beat him up, you have nothing to worry about, I just… this shit is so fucking infuriating!"

"I know. But hey, look at the bright side. Ulysses and Mandy said they'll take over next year, I'm gonna let them know. He won't be back."

"That's… that's true. I'll call Mandy later. Don't worry about it. Just… what then?"

"Then I told him that it wasn't his choice, he didn't choose any of it, so he said ‘just like you couldn't choose to stay a girl, Rebecca'."

"...oh yeah. Yeah, definitely. I'm telling Mandy. She'll deck him for sure next time she sees him."

"Thanks, mom. I just… I so wanted to deck him right then! So I gave him a piece of my mind, broke up with him and hung up and deleted his number. Now we wait and see what's gonna happen."

"Good boy. I taught you well."

"Thanks… again… he also said that asexuality isn't real, and—"

"I'm flying down to Texas right now to sock him. I took karate for three years. I can do this."

"India, no… hon. Babe. You need to get settled in DC. You need to—"

"I'm buying the plane tickets right now, Remy! Watch me!"

"—You need to get your life together and get your master's degree. You do not, however, need to go break the nuts of someone who doesn't deserve your attention—"

"Who's the older and wiser one of us?"

"Right now? Not you. You told me this very thing when I wanted to kill that asshole who made a joke out of Emmy, I'm telling you this now. Don't."

"...fine. But if I ever do get the opportunity, I'm doing it."

"Good for you."

"Nobody plays my kids dirty like that."

"You go, mom."

"I will! Oh shit, I have to go!"

"What? Why—"

"I forgot Jenna's parents are coming over today and I need to go pick them up from the airport. I'll call you later to keep catching up, okay peach?"

"Okay, but—"

"Awesome, happy birthday, we love you! See you in two weeks!"

"...see y—"

—————

"...Remy?"

"Good evening, Linda… where's Leah?"

"...and here I thought you called to talk to me. But I suppose I'm only your mother, nothing—"

"Mom, please, I'll talk to you after I tell Leah something really important."

"Alright, I'm sorry. But you got the package we sent you, didn't you?"

"I did, I… I just don't understand. You painted that…?"

"Who else would sign my name on a canvas, Remy?"

"You're… right. I'm sorry. It's very nice. Thank you."

"Happy birthday, son."

"Thank… you…"

"...hello?"

"Leah…? Leah, sweetie, can you hear me?"

"Remy! Oh, oh oh oh Remy I told you I'd tell you about my camp and—"

"And how was your time at camp? Take a breath and then tell me."

"Okay! Okay, so, so we were in the woods, and in cabins, and I kinda wanted to sleep in tents but it didn't happen and it was kinda disappointing but I can always do that later, and…"

—————

August 2003

There was a blackout as Remy was trying to write an essay Dr. Gilliam asked of his class.

So his dad put him on a bus to Georgia, which is why he's making do right now at doing his schoolwork with two children running around.

"We gotta go bowling too!" Leah whispered excitedly. For the fifteenth time this hour. "And then we need ice cream, and, umm, I know where the puppies are, and—"

"Leah, love, I need to finish this essay for school right now. Give me a couple minutes, about twenty, and I'll be with you, okay?"

"Okay!"

Remy couldn't be happier to be there at that moment. He had a plane ticket booked to Boston, his rooming was already set at Lowell, the papers have all been set and he was about to room with Emile, Mandy called him the other day to ask if he'd like to help her run the queer society meetings (and of course he said yes)...

And then there was a crashing sound. And a crying toddler sound. And he had to put his laptop aside to go check on Rachel.

More like run to the kitchen to check on Rachel, who was now standing in front of broken pieces of cheap china and bawling her eyes out.

"No, sweetie, it's okay…" he picked her up and started playing with her hair, hoping to calm her down. "We're gonna clean this, okay? What were you doing with the plate?"

"Tea party!"

"You wanna have a tea party?" She nodded, hiding her face in the crook of his neck. "Okay… okay. Let's wash your face, then pick up the pieces, and then make some tea and have a tea party with your dollies. Okay, love?"

She nodded again, and he kind of had no choice. So he did what he said he'd do, sitting Rachel down in her high chair as he cleaned the broken pieces, and for a moment, he felt like an absolute idiot. He felt like he was his mom.

Well… like Rachel was his mom, and the plate was him, and he was his dad, and holy fuck Emile's show analysis habits have definitely had an effect on him and he really should stop thinking about all this ridiculousness right now.

"Remy?" Leah whispered from behind him as he was picking up the shards. Rachel was entertaining herself, rather unaware of what's going on. "Is daddy gonna be mad?"

"I—" He had to stop. And think before answering. "I don't think so, honey."

"But a plate broke…"

"...he doesn't have to know. It was just a plate. He doesn't count the plates in the cupboard, now does he?" She shook her head, her hair flying everywhere. "So he won't know. Because we won't tell him."

"Okay. I can do that."

"I know you can do that, hon. Now, how about you get your roller skates and we'll go to the park?"

"But you said tea party…"

"We can have a tea party after the park. Rachel, do you wanna go to the park?"

Rachel, who up until then mostly minded her own business, looked over and started nodding with a big smile on her face.

"So we can go to the park and then have a tea party. Where's your roller skates?"

—————

Saturday, August 30th, 2003

"It's always nice to see new faces at the queer society meetings," Mandy said with a huge smile on her face as she balanced the clipboard on her knee, Remy holding her iced coffee. "I'm glad you all could make it today. Now, let's do a name round. Everyone state your preferred name - please no dick jokes, we have people who are very uncomfortable with those in this group as well - and what brings you here, and a small fact you'd like people to know about yourself if you'd want to."

Remy just kept looking over the room. Mandy had this all under control, already having printed out a list to put everyone's names and contacts in for if they need to. India trained her well.

From the corner of his eye, Remy could see Emile bouncing in his seat.

"I'll go first. Hi, I'm Amanda, I go by Mandy, I'm pansexual—"

"That's not a real word," someone called out. Remy did his best not to glare at the person.

He was pretty sure it's Chris.

"Pansexual is a word, Christian," Mandy replied, not even looking at him. "It was coined before your grandmother was even born. Anyway, I'm Mandy, I'm pansexual, and I'm in this wheelchair today because I have fibromyalgia and today is a very bad pain day. Who wants to go next?"

It was the same old sharing circle. Some people elaborated more, some people chose not to. Emile went ham on sharing, telling everyone he was gay and asexual and talking about his bunnies at length, looking as proud as he can be.

And then it got to Remy. And he wasn't nearly as anxious as he was last year.

"I'm Remy, I'm gay and transgender, and my therapist said I can start hormone therapy this year."

#kylo cant write #sanders sides #remy/sleep #emile picani #keep him safe #sleep is for the weak #the remy centric prequel #tw: period appropriate transphobia #tw: aphobia #tw: panphobia #tw: mentions of child abuse #tw: deadnaming

[one-abuse-survivor]

I've angered my whole family and have made my mom cry by just standing up for myself I'm trans and refuse to be deadnamed, but my mom just tells my siblings things that demonize me and now they all hate me. They keep trying to guilt trip me because she has convinced them all that she is the only truly good thing in their lives. I have no where to go though, because my dad is physically abusive and my friends/extended family live far away. I'm 15 and can only leave at 18 if im luck im scared Pt1.

Pt2 I'm scared of how this will escalate. Over the years of just life in general theyve been worse to me, and when they suspected i was gay(I am closeted) it was horrible, and had a lot of invasions of privacy, but now i refuse to let them call me by my birthname and insist they call me a non-gendered name. It's been two days and they seem like they wouldnt care if i died horribly.

Fuck, nonnie, that sounds really awful and it’s no wonder you’re scared, what with your family being against you and your friends being far away. I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself despite your mom’s abusive behaviour, and I also want you to know that I would care if you died. No person deserves this, no trans kid deserves this. You don’t deserve this. 

Is there any chance that you could go to someone in school about it, like a teacher you trust or a counsellor? Not so much to get you out of that house, because we all know the system doesn’t help abuse victims like it should (at least in my country), but maybe for emotional support, or to have a quick way out if things at home get really bad?

Alternatively, at least in my community there is an association dedicated exclusively to helping trans minors, and especially the ones that reach out without their parents. They offer help transitioning, but they also offer you a community, a chance to make friends, legal help, emotional support... if it’s safe for you to do so, maybe you could google the place where you live and see if there’s something similar there?

Having online friends, espcially ones going through similar situations, also helps a lot. At least in terms of you not feeling isolated or like it’s you against the world, and in reassuring you that there’s a world out there ready to accept you and treat you with decency and kindness.

I’m sorry that you have to be brave in your own house, but I’m glad you are and that you’re fighting for yourself. I’m sending you a big hug and a reminder to reach out again if you need to 💗 

#ask #abuse #abuse tw #transphobia #transphobia tw #abusive mother #abusive family #deadnaming tw #guilt tripping #physical abuse #homophobia #homophobia tw #emotional abuse #Anonymous

[garlique]

all the things i would tell my mom if i went back to my ten year old self with what i know now

under a cut because it got really really long i guess i have a lot to say to her lol

1. hi mom i know i look like yr ten year old but im actually yr 19 year old. im gonna tell u some things i need from u and i need u to write these down and remember them

2. im fucking transgender, i found this out for myself at like 14 or 15. im going to change my name twice; both of my h names are deadnames. my gender is also a lot more complex than i’ll realize it is but with you and dad, i will settle on the name miles and he/him pronouns. please please actually take me to get new clothes when i come out i might tell you i don’t need it but i really really want it. also you and dad for years have nasty habit of calling me the wrong name and pronouns when you get mad at me. i don’t know if it’s because you genuinely want to hurt me by doing it or if it’s just that you still think of me as a girl named ****** and can’t hide it when you’re emotional but jesus christ does it fuck me up. dont do that shit. also pls dont leave me to transition on my own. im a child with a lot of issues and because you help me so little with my transition i’ve been yet unable to get top surgery. im incapable because

3. i am really fucked in the head and idk how much of it is nature vs nurture. i have adhd, am autistic, have *, believe i’ve been depressed my entire life, and have been having panic attacks since i was around 6. i also have cptsd; i dont know if telling you this will make that better, because im already really traumatized. but my first memory in my entire life was sitting on the closed toilet late at night while you brushed your teeth, sobbing because i was having a panic attack and you brushed me off and sent me back to bed where i continued to have a panic attack until i wore myself out enough that i couldnt physically keep my eyes open. which brings me to my next point

4. i need MORE from you. as a 19 year old before this i have SO many issues with trusting people and getting help. i have a form of ptsd which i believe is partly due to what i consider your emotional neglect. i dont know what you can do to make it better because if i did i probably would have asked for it in this timeline. but it really is not my responsibility to make sure YOU can parent me effectively. how are you so unaware of my emotional needs?

5. YOU need to receive mental help. by the time i’m like 15 or 16 you seem from my perspective to hate your life and you LOVE to unload it onto me. i remember telling you SO MANY TIMES that you should see a therapist (i started therapy freshman year) and every single time i suggested it you will say “no i dont need therapy” . which is because you used ME as your therapist. please dont fucking do that to me. you can tell me about your life and your day to day but holy shit the amount of breakdowns i had because of what you told me? please for the love of god you have so much fucking trauma please please please get help this is how generational cycles begin and is the main reason i decided at like 17 to never have kids.

6. in either 5th or 6th grade im going to get lyme disease and im not going to tell you because you told me when i was very young that you hated taking me to the doctors and so im not going to tell you for months that i can’t use one of my arms or that i can’t put weight on one of my legs. if i remember right it first showed up in my right shoulder abt 3 months after YOU injure your shoulder and so when i first tell you my shoulder hurts you tell me that it doesn’t and that i’m just mimicking you. please just take me to the doctor in like february instead of june. im basically fucking crippled as a 19 year old and i think it is in large part because of the lyme disease

7. please for the love of god please please fucking take me to the dentist regularly

8. in 9th grade early/mid december im going to confess to a friend that i am feeling suicidal and she and basically everyone else in my life who finds out is going to handle it terribly. im going to attempt suicide again in the spring of my sophomore year and it’s going to be awful for everybody again. after that attempt you don’t let me shower by myself for three months. i know it’s because you’re scared to lose me but i’m going to tell you a little secret: im terrified of dying. i dont Actually want to die. i just have so little control of my brain that dying or sleeping for a long long time is the only way i can see to get my shit under control. in 8th grade i make friends who are terrible for me and spend my nights talking them out of suicide. here is where i learn how to keep people alive lol. i dont know what you can do to help me that won’t make me hate or resent you but i’m telling you now so that maybe if you have the time you can prepare.

9. abt my mental health: pls take me to get autism/adhd tests n diagnoses. my * diagnosis will b impossible to get before i turn 18 and i am going to try to keep it from u . i promise u tho raising an autistic kid is not as hard as it seems and by now im so fucking traumatized that i’ve already learned to internalize everything

10. when im in high school i forget what year you severely injure yourself and spend a really long time in the hospital and rehab. this is what i feel most guilty about in my entire life: that the time you were gone was literally the easiest few months of my life. right abt two weeks before you do that is when i decide that you weren’t a good parent to me and that i am no longer safe around u; maybe if we can deal with some shit now we can have a better experience. btw i feel like it would b cruel if i didnt tell you so here r the brief details of yr injury **

11. by the time im in college i have constant panic attacks and dissociate heavily for the weeks before i have to leave college to come home. you need to take me seriously, i don’t know what else i can say to make this believable. i’m already real fucked up; you need to change the future for me or it WILL affect me for the rest of my life. i latch on to every woman who’s older than me who’s nicer to me; i think that’s the definition of mommy issues

12. i came back to tell you this because i really do believe you can change. if i thought there was no hope i wouldn’t have bothered telling you this. i think you can change because you DO love me (speaking of which telling me i love you but i don’t like you is? kinda fucked up? maybe don’t say that to a child ever again although i think by now you’ve stopped saying it because that will set me up with some fucked up ideas of love until i really begin to be loved by other people) and i think you want the best for me and i think you would want to change so that i could have a better life. i love you and i believe in you

#pleaseeeee dont rb this #this was so fucking therapeutic to write out?? obv this is not ALL i want to say to her but its def a start :3 this feels good #and my anxiety is way down now hehe