#it hurts really bad knowing that they don’t even think of me as myself. that mr h can just forget to use my pronouns makes me want to cry

[whump-mania]

Dialogue Lines: Whumpee/Whumper/Caretaker Variations

(TWs: torture, cursing, collars, implied murder, drugging, nightmares)

~~~

Whumpee

Classic Whumpee Lines

1. “Touch me and it’s fucking over for you.”

2. “Please, please, I-I didn’t mean to—I didn’t mean to mess up, please don’t hurt me!”

3. “What’s the point of trying? I’m never getting out of here.”

4. “I-It hurts…it h-hurts so bad…why won’t it g-go away…?”

5. “Keep me chained up here all you want. You’re never gonna hear shit from me, buddy.”

~

Whumpee turned Caretaker

1. “Hey, I know, I know how much it hurts. Just breathe. Think of something else. That’s what helped me.”

2. “They got you too? That bastard. I’m so sorry.”

3. “Yes, I do! I do fucking understand, because I lived it! Now let me help you!”

4. “I didn’t get someone to help me through this when I was there. I want to be that person for you.”

5. “You remind me of myself…back then. Before they broke me.”

~

Whumpee turned Whumper

1. “Payback, bitch.”

2. “No. You don’t get to complain. Don’t you remember the rules against speaking out?”

3. “This collar…oh yeah, you remember it, huh? You always liked it on the tightest setting, didn’t you? Let’s start with that.”

4. “Back then, before you, I always thought every person deserved mercy. But no. You’re not even a person.”

5. “Wait, you’re crying? Come on, Whumper, are you kidding?! It took you weeks to make me cry for the first time, and you’re giving up on the first day?”

~~~

Caretaker

Classic Caretaker Lines

1. “This is gonna hurt. It’ll be over soon.”

2. “You think a little nightmare’s gonna hurt you? Nah. I’m here now. I’ll fight it off.”

3. “Just let them down for a second—Let me at least give them some water, it’s been almost two days!”

4. “I don’t know how you were even able to go through something like that…you’re stronger than I’ll ever be.”

5. “Come on, get up. Fresh bandage time—no, I don’t have to clean them today. That’s tomorrow.”

~

Caretaker turned Whumpee

1. “How…h-how did Whumpee do this?”

2. “Anything. I’ll be anything you fucking want me to be—just let them go.”

3. “Sorry, friend, I’m not gonna break as easily as they did. Bummer.”

4. “Wait, y-you didn’t…you didn’t tell me you did this to them…no, k-keep that away from me!”

5. “Whumpee, when they hurt me, just look away. Please.”

~

Caretaker turned Whumper

1. “Who else could have slipped those drugs into your food? Come on now, think a little quicker than that, Whumpee.”

2. “It feels kinda wrong, but…when you’d have nightmares, I…I kinda liked to listen.”

3. “I’m sick of taking care of everyone all the damn time. Well, guess what? Now you have no one.”

4. “Yeah, I’ve got them where you want them. They think they’re safe, but they won’t know what hit them.”

5. “Crazy how I used to patch these scars up…now, I get to make more.”

~~~

Whumper

Classic Whumper Lines

1. “Good morning. Come on, get up. I have so much planned for you today.”

2. “You’re so cute when you try to fight back. It’s like you’re not even trying.”

3. “Aw, you had a nightmare? Was it about me? I hope it was about me.”

4. “Don’t try and be a fucking actor. You and I both know you’re terrified.”

5. “Found you.”

~

Whumper turned Whumpee

1. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry for what I did, just…p-please, have mercy…”

2. “That all you’ve got? I used to hit you three times as hard.”

3. “No. I’m not apologizing. No matter how much you torture me. I regret nothing.”

4. “H-Hey, come on, we can be friends, right? You know I didn’t really mean all those things…h-hey, wait, get away from me!”

5. “No…maybe I deserve this. Maybe this is what I’m getting in return for all the things I did to you.”

~

Whumper turned Caretaker

1. “Hey, it’s okay, it’s just me! …Oh.”

2. “The nightmare…it was about me, wasn’t it?”

3. “I know you can’t ever forgive me…but let me at least do this one thing for you.”

4. “Okay, okay, yes, I did make that scar, but I’m the only one who knows how to make it better, so would you stop moving?!”

5. “Fuck, I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…”

#whump #whump blog #whump community #whump writing #whump scenario #dialogue lines #whump lines #whump dialogue #Whumper lines #caretaker lines #Whumpee lines #Whumper to caretaker #Whumper to Whumpee #caretaker to Whumper #caretaker to whumpee #Whumpee to Whumper #Whumpee to caretaker #tw torture #tw cursing #tw drugging #tw collar #tw implied murder #tw nightmares

[theworldoffostering]

You guys, I feel like I’m drowning. These past three weeks have felt unmanageable to me. Like, I don’t know how to keep going.

I’m walking alongside (trying the best I know how) the older girls as one navigates this break up and the other tries to transition to college. We got DD a car, but it still needs a few repairs. She was here all afternoon today working on it with DH.

I am waiting for the updated version of Ms. 6’s IEP to hit my inbox to send it off to the school. I am also working on her housing contract. Then I think I can step back for a few weeks. Still trying to figure out what’s going on with graduation. Her mom is back to letting her go to it and maybe allow her to stay for dinner, but it’s Memorial Day weekend and I don’t want to put a deposit down for a dinner somewhere only to have her not be allowed to attend at the last minute. I also don’t want to disappoint her. I’m unsure of how to proceed, so I’m just sort of frozen.

DS takes his civics test next week. You have to pass in order to graduate high school. He has prepared and seems like he will do well. He’s also pole vaulting and doing well at that for being a novice and having very little practice time due to the crummy weather we’ve been having.

Work is a lot right now. It’s to be expected due to the time of year. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s a lot to slog through.

DH was verbally offered a job this week as a special education teacher. He is supposed to return to school to get his teaching certification in about a week, and is waiting for a letter of intent via email from the potential employer. It’s a lot. We are trying to manage the financial aid piece and we are up against a super tight deadline right now. His interview for the job was virtual, so he’s heading to the school next week to actually tour it and meet his potential coworkers. In the spirit of living in a small town, one of the women he used to live who was in live with him (for real)—the housing situation was work related—works at the school. She has legit not spoken to myself or DH since he and I got engaged so that seems like it will be super awkward (although she is also married now and has kids).

DH is finally seeing a decent therapist and between the therapist and neuropsych eval he had done during fall, it is apparent he is super depressed. Depressed is apparently his baseline and super depressed happens quite a bit. It is helpful to have it identified, but wow, it is a lot to live with. I am really struggling as his wife because he cannot do much and is not really emotionally available 90% of the time. He’s so inwardly focused, that he cannot focus on me, the kids, relationships, stuff that needs to be done, etc. I’m drowning and he cannot take on any of the workload. It sucks.

My endocrin had me take b12 supplements the last three months and my level actually decreased. I’m starting up with b12 injections next week. My TSH is also super, super low which means I’m hyperhyroid and should be losing weight, but I’m gaining which also sucks.

My endocrin is out of network for me which means my injections will be out of network. I have ZERO out of network benefits. The whole healthcare system is atrocious. I refuse to go back to the three endocrins I saw before I connected with my current one. They were all terrible, but in network. I need a super expensive full body scan but I for sure cannot pay for that out of pocket, so I’m waiting to see if my GP will prescribe it when I see him in June.

My crown also broke this week and when the dentist looked at it, I had worn a hole clear through the middle. He said it was due to grinding/stress. I wear a mouth guard religiously at night, so it’s happening during the day. :-/ Cue more medical bills. They glued my current one back on and can’t get me in to work on repair until June. I almost cried when trying to schedule with them because I just cannot even do all of this any more. (It also hurt wicked bad last time they fixed it so I’m somewhat terrified to return.)

That’s my list of complaints/brain dump. There’s more, but I need to wrap up some grading and get dinner going. I miss a life that was easier and less complicated.

#adulting #complaining

[mochiwrites]

blegh

#delete later #this is me just yelling into the void for a moment #but god I think I need to look into doing smth about my meds #:))) been on a steady mental health decline since at LEAST august #and it’s only gotten worse since the new year started cries #I’m trying to do homework and I can’t even focus on it #struggling so bad #but I don’t. trust anyone to actually talk and I’ve been pulling closer to myself #so I just bury myself in school and writing and distractions (there aren’t many) #I don’t know I think I’m tired #really tired of how things have been #how alone I feel #life has genuinely felt exhausting lately #all of my relationships feel so superficial with the exception of like. a small few #I want deeper connections but lately I feel like I’m just not built for friendship #it really feels like I’m just not supposed to have friends because I’m not a good one or I’m not a good person and I just Exist #in loneliness #and that hurts SO bad #can it please get better already #please #between online and irl I am at my limit T-T #ANYWAYS. back to being productive and doing stuff

[pixlokita]

Just wanna ask just to make sure

Are we allowed to share stuff about our own aus?

I rmemeber asking and you said no fur to bad experiences, so I’m asking again

And if so, would it be limited to just text stuff, or would we be allowed to share our art about said aus?

Hope this doesn’t come across as rude or annoying

Hmmmm tbh if I’ve stated it makes me uncomfortable before then I just appreciate avoiding it. I do follow other fnaf AUs and like learning about them but only if I’m the one finding them or asking about them or joining a server to learn more about them. Heck even checking my FYP let’s me genuinely find things I enjoy at my own pace ^^; but If my own blog keeps getting recommendations from other people’s AUs and info dumping without even asking before doing so then it feels like it’s not my own space :Tc it kinda sorta feels like it’s being used for self promoting their own stuff and I won’t even enjoy it because of that, it’s hard to explain it in English but honestly even if that’s not the intention it makes me uncomfortable nonetheless unfortunately.

#it’s different if it comes from friends or mutuals but like #pix answers #I know my boundary post didn’t make enough sense probably #I don’t know how else to explain myself #I feel bad for saying anything #sorry I guess #and it’s not rude it’s an honest question I just don’t really know how to answer you properly #I wish someone else wrote about the kind of Situation I’m in so I could just reblog that #it’s not really wrong it’s nice to share your stuff just like I’ve explained #I’ve had several bad experiences #gosh even people acting hurt whne I say anything and ASKING me directly to share their stuff as an apology #it makes me so mad to think about it #how shameless can people get #again this is not directed at you #it’s just some of the bs I’ve had to put myself thru #god =w= I’ll shut up now have a good day pls 💖 for real for real #💖✨💖✨ thanks for asking I appreciate it

[pepprs]

i know i need to shut up abt it esp bc i don’t know for sure if i actually got exposed to covid but like. it’s just so fucking frustrating and terrifying. not just in the case of covid but with other things too like driving. you can take every precaution to keep yourself and the people around you safe but all it takes is one selfish careless asshole who can negate that in a heartbeat and ruin your life or maybe even end it in some circumstances. lol

#purrs #ask to tag #complete and utter despair about it all. i feel like such a freak for telling everyone to be safe and be careful all the time but this world #is so fucking scary and we are so fucking helpless. how can i not cast out this desperate fucking plea. this prayer. that harm will not #befall you even if it’s something as small as a drive to the store or a trip to a new place. i just live in fear of the people i love #getting hurt all the time and of myself getting hurt. and covid is fucking scary because we still don’t fuckng know how bad it is really or #what it can do to you in the long term and there’s no way to know if you have it until you find out you have it bc this fucking nightmare #country gutted all the covid infrastructure so it’s like. it’s just really bad. im so scared. ive been so proud of myself lately bc i feel l #like even though im still not doing great ive been less miserable and anxious like a couple months ago i was having breakdowns almost daily #and i feel like ive been getting better and this just has thrown me so bad. there are other things going on too ofc so i know im reacting #really strong but like. throwback to all the asks i just answered where anons were like idk how you even function witb the amount of anxiety #you carry with you all the time and i was reading that like but not anymore! and it turns out… no it’s still there. it just was summer and #i interacted with fewer people and went almost nowhere. and now the semester is starting again and everything is changing and it’s just. bad #also addendum to the first part of my tags: i wish i was brave enough to ask ppl to like. text me when they get to their destination safe or #whatever. i almost never think of it bc it just seems like such a forward boundary crossing thing to do + it was a bad habit from when my #separation anxiety was MUCH worse as a kid. but like… i want o do it and sometimes i need to but i repress it so hard. lawl #also to say i love you sometimes. some ppl it’s really easy and we do it all the time. others i can’t bc it crosses boundaries and it #physically hurts not to. lolll

[goldkirk]

.

#sometimes it really hurts more that they’re well intentioned #and love me and want me to be part of the family still #than if they didn’t try to keep me included at all #like just. it just is rough that they’ll never acknowledge I’m living with a partner and committed #and have been in the relationship for years #they want me to come be a part of things and they want me to be happy and #they send a congrats on your new home card but don’t mention her. they include me in a family vacation jigsaw puzzle but not her even though #i told them I won’t lie to the kids and that she and I are a package deal for family parties and things if we do come into town for them #I can’t stop trying because I’ve seen them be so diffferent with the grandkids than to me on some things #and I’ve seen some of them treating me pretty normal despite everything about their beliefs #but I just #don’t know how many years it’ll take for me to learn to navigate this weird zone #I can’t talk to friends because they don’t understand how good and genuine my family is and only know the parts that hurt me in the past yrs #and I can’t talk to family because they get how good my family is at the heart of things but can’t understand the bad parts enough to #get how half of me wished I could never have to remember any of the good because it’s hard to protect myself if I do #but the line between black and white has to be walked #even if ONLY for my own sake because I have to un train black and white thinking from every area of my worldview #but anyway #it’s just hard. nothing particularly to be done about it. I just need to say it’s hard sometimes #it doesn’t seem to hurt less each time #it’s the same #but I think I’m getting better at not letting it affect my actual daily experience for as long now #idk #it’s hard. it will be for a long time. it’s worth trying anyway. #I know we’re double nope in that we’re queer and we’re not even civil married much less sacramentally married #so we’re in like five separate levels of mortal sin yadda yadda #but I tell you x hurts and you do x again and it sucks. I see you improving in other ways so I have hope but GOD it sucks right now. fuck #shh katie #personal

[spinetacks]

zzz

#did the big scary breakup today. it was ok but also horrible #I’m proud of myself for saying no to trying again (again) but I’ve always been the needier of the two of us so it felt weird #being the one to say no it’s done #mannn I really wish it didn’t have to end. even now I kinda wish I could just take it back #:’) but I know that’s because it was only me that was hurting. so I’m dismissing it and feeling bad for upsetting them #gotta be brave..eurgh #we said we’d go back to being friends and I really genuinely hope we can #ik it often doesn’t work #but we were so good as friends and we still care for each other a lot. I just don’t think we can be happy with the pressure of a r/s #I’m relieved to not have the weight and worry of our patterns and routines anymore..but it’s gonna suck for a while huh #here’s to my longest relationship and all I learned from it. and hopefully happier times ahead #blahblah

[disneyprincessdxminatrix]

wallowing in self pity as an after work activity.

#I also watched tv and almost fell asleep #I woke up with a bad stomachache last night which kept me awake for a little over an hour before it got better #so I didn’t sleep enough and went to work #and then received a text that my boyfriend wouldn’t be home tonight cause he’s meeting from friends #and of course I’m not invited because one of his friends is my ex I keep shit taking about (rightfully I might add) #saw him for like one minute after his work before he left again #I’m really fucking sad rn still because as I told some friends #one of my Guinea pigs died just yesterday #and I’m tired and #I’m hungry #and yes my boyfriend offered to bring me food but I don’t even know when he will be back and he’s probably going to bring cake which isn’t #real dinner food anyway #my stuff #give it half an hour and I’ll be better I hope #maybe she least good enough to make myself something to eat #at least my cat his here he always comes when I’m crying #edit: I think the part about tonight that hurts the most is being invited but not being invited #one of the boys sent a message to the group chat if anyone wanted to join #and idk if all of them know #but my bf knows I won’t go anywhere near my ex #even though I haven’t seen one of the other friends there in a awhile and wouldn’t loved to see him #so it’s like #being invited #but not really #cause I can’t go there #I’d feel sick #I already do feel sick knowing he talks to this despicable piece of shit

[saeshiraw]

watching ror and i just have some thoughts

#ROUND TWO WAS UNACCEPTABLE PLS I WAS CRYING #adam’s line was so iconic it literally brought me to tears #“does any man alive need a good reason to want to protect his children?” and i was sobbing #full on sobbing i wasn’t even hiding it anymore it was so emotional and truly a good fight #ADAM ON TOP!! just thinking about that ep has me emotional again like i love adam fr #and i have just been so desperate for the humans to win so when i spoiled myself that humans were gonna win in the 3rd round i was so happy #BUT AT WHAT COST #i ended up becoming attached to poseidon out of all the characters lmfaoo 😭😭😭 i was cheering mr sushi on he is so cool and ugh i just #i could talk about this man for hours like he is the epitome of beauty and he’s so elegant HE DIDN’T DESERVE TO DIE 😭 #but also i love sasaki and he’s so respectable n admirable that i really don’t know who i’m cheering for atp 😭 this animanga has me in #SHAMBLES! left me emotionally wrecked and so hyped at the same time #but so far my favorite fight would still be jack the ripper vs hercules like wait okay i could go on n on about how much #i love the detail that goes on in jack’s character n how genius it was that hilde chose him for that round ugh it was so good #i would say deep down adam vs zeus is my most fav fight or poseidon vs kojiro but the outcomes of those HURT i can’t not cry #I LOVE SHIVA TOO #can’t wait for qin shi huang vs hades roundd hnggrrr #bro i wanna write a poseidon fic so bad but for some reason i have been itching to write for jack like !! feef #nami [ rambles ]

[lilgynt]

still sobbing my eyes so never having a weed free night again

#personal #my door got caught on my laundry basket and crutches and i crashed against the walker i got my dad #and i want to yell at my brother how awful he is - which? either of them but mainly the broken door one #but i’ve done that and it doesn’t change anything let alone how i feel #and i wish my mom understood but she just hates me #and she can say she doesn’t and she buys me gifts but then hangs it over my head bc we’re broke #but it’s like i’m in the wrong for my brother violently breaking my door and then is upset i’m upset he still hasn’t fixed it #and this only came up bc she bought me a door accessory. BUT WOULDNT LET ME BUY A DOOR WHEN IT Orginally broke #like life is fine and all till i’m sober and remember my family is actually doesn’t like me and is super mean to me #and i feel like i’m so burnt out from everything i can’t even think about moving out #even tho i said fuck it that one time a few months ago #and i can’t move in with either of my brothers bc they’ve deeply hurt me and i can’t trust them like that #like do i think i would be safe with them and they would house me yes without question #do i think i would sooner kill myself over the pride issue of them constantly treating me like shit i can’t imagine living with #or being thankful to them while still feeling like #i don’t even know what i feel other than not liked or respected by my family #i know it’s lack of weed period and then just also generally living a bad life and having bad family relations but oh my god #gun to the back of my head rn please. please. #but in all seriousness first night i’ve been like huh. i could definitely buy a gun. really bad since the whole dad situation #like other night i punched a mirror when i got charged from my dentist from something two years ago with no warning. no notice #like 200 bucks. so. i already dealt with that it’s some insurance shit im seeing if i can do payments or whatever but never fucking working #with them again. didn’t even answer my question on why i wasn’t given any notices when i had them send me the bill and insurance claims

[corrine-dartagnan]

does anyone else ever feel like they will never be able to form meaningful connections or friendships

#i do have friends #but only one close one honestly #and looking back to two years ago I was able to form friendships even though covid hindered that a little bit #but i feel like last year really set me back #I was so depressed and mentally unwell and I didn’t have very many people in my life #and I was so unable to talk to people in my classes partially because I shut myself out and was dealing with a lot of issues #and now i feel so angry and screwed over #and im deeply afraid I’ll have to go through the rest of my life alone #I don’t want to be alone again #and I got to thinking and listen I’m not suicidal but I truly do not know what I’m living for #I don’t have any strong set goals I have hobbies but I’m bad at maintaining them #if I disappeared it would take a long time to notice #it’s so overwhelming to feel like this all the time and to also feel so helpless bc you don’t know what to do #I’m probably being over dramatic but i don’t like being physically unable to talk to people in my classes or my family members #but it’s so unfair! because even when I do talk to people in my classes it doesn’t stick it’s never good enough I open my mouth and they #look at me like I’m insane. it does something to a person #and there are no words to describe the sadness that my highschool experience can no longer be a happy one but it’s worthless to dwell in #more focused on getting out of it #but then what if as soon as I’m out it’s just as bad? because everywhere in life i will run into the same problem. #just a throwaway post on an account I don’t use anymore lol just needed to rant. journaling hurts my hand because my thoughts go to fast #get down on paper

[daydream-draws]

.

#bro💀 #why do I have so much accidental rizz I like can’t do this anymore i #am literally aro.spec why does this keep happening to me 😭😭 #one of my close friends said they like me I stood there like an IDIOT I feel really bad #I don’t even remember what they said but i #am not gonna see them cause it’s summer so now I gotta like text the #m #but I don’t even know what to say #I don’t think??? I like them back like that #ughhhhhauuughghgh I just wanted a chil #l summer #and I don’t want them to hate me or hurt because of me #this has happened to me THREE times god really chose to make the wrong person aro #im still close w the other two people who have liked me but also I feel like they?.liked me less #one straight up never to #ld me #i figured it out myself #and the other moved on quickly and said they were ok w a platonic date too when #asking me out so I did that #but w the other two there were signs with this one it was just like bam #allo people r making up crushes I believe #day blabs #I need more aro friends

[the-trans-dragon]

.

#sorenhoots #I have an idea roaming around in my brain #it feels like an overreaction because society reserves the word ‘trauma’ for visible stuff #like a physical injury or a traumatic event so bad that even society’s pressure to not show symptoms isn’t enough to cover it up #but like…. I am slowly allowing myself to expand my definition of trauma to include things that non-autistic people would scoff at #such as being exposed to a bad texture or trying a food that my autism doesn’t like or stuff like that #on one hand it’s like ‘oh my god don’t be dramatic. eating a chicken strip with a really chewy spot isn’t trauma’ which sounds like a #reasonable thing to say but like. as a young kid that happened to me and I still can’t eat chicken strips without being *significantly* #stressed about encountering the bad texture again. #i take COMFORT in the fact that- when I had shingles- the shingles pain was HORRIBLE and yet the texture of my bedsheet was WORSE #and I’m realizing I have some Things I’ve always been like… ‘triggered’ by. colors or patterns. I assumed they must be related to my #trauma that is undisputedly traumatic- I assumed those colors or patterns must have been involved #the same way I can’t stand a couple of flavors because they remind me of it #but maybe it’s just that checkered patterns bother my autism. maybe I don’t like blue because it just hurts my eyes. #have I unnecessarily tied Autism Sensory Pain to separate traumatic events as a way to explain them? #I don’t know. but I think the first step in digesting all of that is to allow myself to categories Bad Sensory Events as Traumatic #like I’m allowed to say shingles was traumatic. I panic anytime I think I feel the tingly sensation it started as #but I’m way more repulsed by certain textures. so why not describe them as trauma? #idk. one thing I don’t like is showers? and I started applying some of my PTSD work to them #such as getting familiar with smaller steps that are less sensory overwhelming #or changing the circumstances enough that my brain doesn’t go ‘wait this is a ShowerTM which has traumatized me in the past from sensory’ #and it absolutely helps. which is something to mull over at least

[nightly-ruse]

I think I may be a little odd

#I’ve been thinking about like everything/neg/pos/breakdown inducing #and I think I’m mentally I’ll #like yeah no shit but also it’s very clear #I literally got out of breath the other day talking about wolves and Yellowstone bc I was talking so fast about them #also have very wild mood swings paired with abandonment issues constant shame for ppl caring about me and trauam over friendships bc #so many have gone wrong and I’ve been forever changed or abandoned (both in one case) #I mean I met this girl at a school meet and she just reminded me of a person who hurt me. they had the same same mannerisms looked similar #besides the hair and I had a full panic attack. I feel bad about that she probably was really nice #or how I feel sick just thinking about the local park bc it’s where I was forced to hang out with a ex friend that wrecked me #such a mixing bowl of bad traits #I can focus I can’t remember I’m either too lazy or too hyper to stay still I can’t regulate tone well and scare myself constantly just by #talking. relationships always end in a burning bridge even when they were so good bc I get so paranoid and scared they’ll leave that I leave #myself. jumping to crazy conclusions to the point I start hallucinating due to stress #I mean how do I even explain to my therapist that my only good friends ended with me skipping school the last days bc I thought one died. #she actually just left school early. #that one I kinda get even tho it’s fucking nuts bc tjat year has mentally burned me so goddamn much but still #and even tho I’ve kinda had a constant itch that something completely explains why I’m this way but am too scared to bring it up bc of #change and trauma related to bringing up my own mental health #I don’t even know what thsi is anymore sorry #should just shut up and sleep #I’ll be fine by morning anyways so what does it even fucking matter #ruse rambles #vent tag

[pepprs]

mission failed we’ll get em next time 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

#i literally can’t quit omg i feel so fucking bad. it wasn’t so bad this time but also HE LITERALLY FORCED ME TO COME OUT LKKE GIRL HELLO???? #he cornered me and asked me if redacted had to do w my s*duality and i was like ummmmm. yeah 🫣 and he was like now why didn’t you say that t #the first time 🤨 and i was like …………. 😳. AND THEN i asked him why he asked me that and he said he’s been waiting for the right moment to get #it out of me and he always suspected it LIKE HELLO I THINK THAT IS POSSIBLY WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE I WANTED TO DIEEEEEE #and i lied right to his face abt stuff w my mom and also the redacted situation bc i always feel in trouble whenever i talk abt them w him #and also he asked how things were w my mom and i told him and he was like that’s great but how are things with YOU and yoir mom 🤨. UGHHHHH #and i can’t leave bc his supervisor is gravely ill and they haven’t talked abt doing inter generational therapy w me yet which is what they #want to do <- hasn’t looked it up yet and doesn’t know what it receals about me. and he also is like yet agai. trying to get me to separate #myself from data expunged AND ITS LIKE OMGGGG NOTHING IS HAPPENING WHY DO I HAVE TO THROW AWAY A GOOD THING THAT IS WORKING FOR ME JUST FOR #THE SAKE OF CONFORMING TO SOME STUOID MENTAL HEALJT STANDARD. so yeah ummmmm idk what to dooooo i know im not getting the best possible care #and this whole thing has been a cluster fuck but he validated my reaction to something for the first time like EVER today and he has plans a #and what if they work. and like omg if i drop it on him he’ll be so hurt and surprised like it will really come out of nowhere and i don’t w #want to look like even more of a fool to him than iam. but he says i can’t withhold stuff bc it’s doing me a disservice and we need to see t #the fullness of who i am to get to the root and solve problems and stuff but it’s like uhmmmm… but you don’t make me feel safe for reacting #the way i do or wanting things to work out in a way you disagree with so how can i bring out all the parts of me if you don’t make me feel a #safe and unjudged for doing so like. lol. the thought of leaving him makes me feel so guilty and stupid bc it s like why are you throwing aw #away sliding scale therapy that could turn out to be really useful and running away when ppl tell you things abt yourself you don’t like to #admit and force you to look at your hard ugly truths. but also the thought of working w him until july after already having had 16 weeks of #this literaly makes me fucking insane so idk what to do and finding a new counselor would be so hard and i don’t have time or money. UGHHHH! #purrs #delete later #like how am i gonna walk out on him when we just spent all this time talking abt how this new technique will bring me into a new season. AUG

[arthur-r]

i went to sleep an hour ago but i can’t actually fall asleep for some terrible mixture of anxiety and caffeine and being scheduled wrong from all of the winter break sleeping incorrectly compared to school. anyway i have a stomachache (anxiety variety) scary high heart rate (anxiety variety? caffeine variety? just my heart being stupid as usual? probably all of the above) and also terrified of living with my dad for the next week. and i was drinking a caffeinated beverage past 5 pm today because. i was really stupid and let that happen without thinking about it. so there are so many things getting in between me and a good nights sleep to get to school in the morning. doesn’t help that i’m stressed about school itself too or that my irl friends are constantly hanging out like literally all of them i try not to be offended if like tara and elanor hang out together without me cause everybody is allowed to have smaller on their own engagements but it’s like literally every friend i have!! like i have maybe fifteen friends total in my school and there was like ten of them were all ice skating together on new years and went to a play together and did all of these things that i wish i were invited for. and so i’m stressed about a lot of things at once and it’s no good

#anyway in other news i’m making a bigger endeavor drawing than i’ve done in a long time and it’s not very well shaped but im really proud of #the details and like the way that im doing it even if it doesn’t look good altogether im proud of the textures and everything #i haven’t done anything that wasn’t just a sketch in a long time so i never just work on textures and im proud of myself so far #however it was supposed to be a four part thing that im supposed to finish in four days. while also doing homework. so #i don’t think it’s going to be possible to do all that with such a detail oriented approach shdhdf #i’ll try my best though!! and if i’m late i’m late. nobody really expects anything out of me in an art front which is pretty nice i guess #but it’s mostly because i’m not very good and don’t practice enough. shdhdhdf #but like i said i am actually proud of this picture!! i’m just scared that it’s secretly terrible. classic way to feel really #but anyway i hyperfocused on that for two hours which is like. haven’t done that since like before school started #and so now i’m in a really weird headspace. and yeah. waking up in seven hours #this is so stupid i really wish i could just be asleep right now regular but it’s not happening #and i have a terrible stomachache that i don’t think is going to go away until it’s my mom’s turn to raise us again #and like. i don’t even like getting parented by my mom!! she’s made me cry multiple times per day all week actually!! #but at least i don’t think she’s going to get drunk and throw things or hurt my little sister or break something important to me #and that’s kind of what i’m constantly living in fear of currently. my dad is physically scarier and more dangerous. so i’m anxious. a lot #anyway i keep having nightmares and i hate it i wish anything would just go right for once. i should probably try to sleep again it’s just #it’s not working and i just wish i could fix it but i can’t. i really would like a hug and to be somewhere else #anyway i’m going to try again i guess probably. but i’m just so frustrated and i wish anything could be different offline #like i’m so lucky to have the friends i do in wext and my mutuals here but. if i can’t see you in real life my life is still kind of #objectively bad. like i cant really figure anything out that i have going for me irl. band?? i don’t even know. so yeah. it’s just not great #and i would like to feel better but i don’t. sorry for venting. goodnight!! #me. my post. mine. #vent cw #abuse cw #alcohol cw #ask to tag!! #delete later