#realizing that it also stems from control issues has helped me too

[inmyheaddd]

grayson hawthorne childhood best friends to lovers part 2

finally posting part 2!!! this one is more of actual head cannons (i tried) - pls lmk if u prefer the story telling or js short head cannons!!

part 1

*when you’re actually together:*

grayson would always wish he told you about his feelings earlier, and in a more organized manner (i mean ofc, control freak)

hes not one for social media, but when you told him you were going to start posting book reviews on instagram and tiktok, he immediately downloaded them. he still watched your 2 minute long videos even when you’d talk to him about your books for hours on end

you tried to convince him to get pinterest, he agreed begrudgingly and basically never uses it

the only times he does use it is for looking surprise gifts for you by looking at your boards and seeing what you like (and potentially engagement rings)

there is never a such thing as a boring date with grayson. 

your first official date took the entirety of the whole day: first, you went on a drive, playing your joined playlist, to be met with a private hot air balloon ride above from the countryside to the city.

he knew you, and one thing about you is you could never pick between the countryside and the city. why not see both?

after that, you went to an art museum. to some this may seem boring, but you had a deep interest in art and such things. this was definitely top 5 places in your book. 

grayson knew you had a long forgotten knack for pottery, so when you realized he booked a pottery class - except it was just you two- you were elated to say the least 

he made a vase - simple, nothing special, because he was too occupied with you next to him, stealing glances and snapping photos whenever he could. 

you also made a vase, more detailed than his, with you and graysons initials on the bottom encircled within a heart.  

you took graysons vase home, and he took yours home. he’d have your favorite flowers in his room, and you’d have the flowers he’d send you every week in yours.

after the pottery class, it was just about to be sunset. grayson had planned this day perfectly. he was perfect

you had a picnic and watched the sunset, and then stargazed whilst you lay down, your head in his lap

the familiarity of the picnic brought you back to the first one you had with him.

“do you remember that first picnic we had?” you asked him, turning your head to look up at him. 

“of course i do, you were brilliant in that project, we celebrated accordingly” he looked down at you with a small smile 

you were brilliant, i would’ve failed if it weren’t for you. 

i know you, you were perfectly capable of getting 100 by yourself.” he looks up away from you, to the sky, and tilts his head as if he’s made a new discovery “actually, i’m pretty sure you just called me because you had a crush on me”

you sit up and fake scoff trying to stifle a laugh, which grayson sees right through. the only thing registering in his brain is your smile, your laugh, your eyes, just you.

“oh you’re pretty sure?” you ask

“i’m definitely sure”

okay that may have been” you say the next part quietly, “part, of the reason” your voice picks up “but i actually needed major help!” 

“yeah well, im glad you did. i would’ve never gotten the courage to speak to you myself. my brain was a fog, you gave me clarity.” he said, his tone suddenly much more serious and heartfelt

you picked up on the fact that grayson has some what of abandonment issues, stemming from his mom, dad, which just kept branching onwards. 

grayson” you almost whisper, looking into his eyes “i love you.” 

“i love you” he says, and in your eyes, he’s the only person to ever exist. 

grayson raised your standards in ways no one could ever compare to, which no one ever will, because you two are forever.

grayson is not one for pda, you caught on that very quick as you noticed your dates usually include him buying out a whole place so it’s just you two. 

however, he always has an arm around you, whether it’s on your waist, your hand, or your shoulders.

he’s not one to get jealous easily, he knows you love him, and he trusts you. (and he knows that these other men can’t compare.)

but he’s never afraid to show who he is, and where he stands. standing to his full height, steady voice, arm around you. 

you swear he just gets hotter each time he does that

if for some reason he’s not around, you’re always mentioning him

“oh yeah my boyfriend grayson loves that” “that’s crazy my boyfriend also does that!” “grayson thinks the same” “me and grayson….”

whenever an event finishes and it’s just you attending, grayson always hears back from people how much you mention him, he doesn’t show it but he’s jumping up and down mentally

eventually at 19 and 21, two years of your relationship, you got an apartment together! 

you even added some elements from that one project 5 years ago

looking back, you like to think of it as preparation for your first real one with him

grayson is such a dog person, and you honestly just love all animals, you feel bad if you pick just one 

you both agreed on a golden retriever. graysons first choice was a husky, rottweiler, or a german shepard to protect the house if he’s not there, or if you’re both sleeping. 

you love grayson, and you know his choice of dogs were very fitting to him, but you politely disagreed. 

you ended up naming your golden retriever named biscuit - him and tiramisu are best friends. 

grayson adores him, and is endlessly thankful that you ended up getting a golden retriever instead of one of the dogs he suggested

he spoils the dog like crazy, always designer collars and the best food possible for the dogs, raw meat, and the most engaging/ best toys possible for the dog and its health

grayson literally researches anything before he gets it for the dog

on the topic of spoiling, he spoils you ROTTEN

as established before, he goes through your pinterest for surprise gifts 

but every time you mention a single thing, a new book, a perfume, some random lipgloss, you best believe the next day you have it

one time you looked at a specific dress a few seconds too long when shopping with him, but didn’t get it.  

the next day, you see it hanging in your closet. you were shocked to say the least 

he knows all the stuff you like, so if an artist you enjoy comes out with anything new, tour tickets, vinyls, cds, literally anything, he’s the first to get it just for you.

he absolutely adores you through and through 

you the same for him, but in the very back of his mind he’s afraid someday you’ll get tired of him, think he’s too much, and just leave.

that part disappears whenever he sees you again and he’s brought back to reality.

he wants to marry you someday - preferably as soon as possible

he went through your wedding pinterest board and lowkey already started planning / seeing how you two would set it up.

he’s in the process of making a scrap book full of things from your childhood together up until now, and will continue until your wedding.

xander would so be the best man, and his speech would have everyone laughing and crying at the same time

jameson and xander say without them you two wouldn’t be together

nash says that that’s not true, you two are inevitable

you think in every universe you two would’ve found eachother

grayson thinks he’s insanely lucky to have you

this was so fun to writeee, lmk your thoughts and please send requests!! also might make a tag list if anyone wants it

#grayson hawthorne #grayson hawthorne x reader #jameson hawthorne #the brothers hawthorne #the final gambit #the grandest game #the hawthorne legacy #the inheritance games #xander hawthorne #nash hawthorne #games untold #friends to lovers

[000marie198]

"When you get your memory back, you'll remember that low profile isn't my thing."

Alright, this line stemmed a fan theory in me. Sonic shattered the Paradox Prism and absorbed its energy but he himself was having a few memory issues. But there are no alternate versions of him. That's probably because the Prism's energy shattered the universe and everyone in it into various aspects of it and the characters except Sonic . He absorbed that energy instead of it breaking him as well. And Shadow Chaos Controlled so he wasn't even part of that process, he travelled through space time so he doesn't even exist. He's not part of the Shatterverse like everyone else and that's why he cannot leave the void.

Thing is, all the Shatterverses put together sort of makes up the main world. Shattering the Paradox Prism shattered the world around into its fragments. Like, the extremity of wildlife and nature, the extremity of the ocean, the extremity of isolated barren land, the extremity of a high tech city. Put them all together and it makes up Mobius, having a bit of everything so it balances it all out. Anyways, that's about the world but it's also what's going on with all the characters, seen most prominently in the main cast. For example, Rusty is Amy's badass and sassy side, Thorn is her love for nature and warrior spirit and compassionate but angry side, Black Rose is her friendly and insane side. Nine is Tails' intelligence and sassy and determined side with a matching backstory, Mangey is his feral and baby side, the one which is connected to his fox instincts and is the baby brother who seeks affection. And Sails is his friendly but shy side. And Knuckles' couldn't be clearer with one being honorable and loyal, one being paranoid and one being outright unhinged and insane who goes possessively protective for a shiny gem (ya know, don't touch the Master Emerald mode). Rebel is the side of Rouge that helps the world and is loyal, Batten Rouge is excitable and social, Prim Rouge is her sly, selfish and manipulative side. I wonder how Rouge's world would be. They still haven't discovered the Yellow shard and we have main ones Sonic needs to earn the trust of in Nine, Thorn and Dread. So there's still Rouge. That one might be the true Jewel Thief side of her. The different alternates even though they seem vastly different than their original characters still feel so in-character because they are different aspects of the same character, just amplified.

Anyways, I'm going off on a tangent. Thing is, Sonic wasn't 'shattered', for the lack of better term, like his friends were but still was affected by the Paradox energy so he was having brief and scattered memory issues. However, everyone else who was shattered like the prism spectrum has no memory of the original world.

So what if, when the shards are put back together, if not all at once but one by one, all the alternates get a piece of the original's memory back? Random scattered bits and pieces. Can you imagine the angst and realization and confusion? Nine already knows what could be happening because Sonic told him but imagine him getting bits and pieces of Tails' memories back as if they were his own but disconnected. Like putting puzzle pieces together, the image becomes clearer and clearer every time. And if that happens, I can't help but imagine how this might change the motives of them all. Would they, particularly Nine (who doesn't know whether the world can be restored or not because from what he said to Sonic in the Grim, he doesn't believe it can be fixed. ["The one you lost"] To him, Sonic lost his home and might not have it back and he was offering him a home too, trusting him like he had never trusted anyone else in his life), be willing to help out after seeing tidbits of a universe that was beautiful and peaceful? A universe where they were all a family and had a home. Could seeing the moments of a life he wishes to have shift Nine's motives?

Restoring the Prism might put together the different worlds to restore the original. The alternatives could all be gone. So, would they all, at one point, have to choose between their current lives and who they are now, to them being nonexistent but be whole? The potential angst of Nine having to choose between himself and Tails, the life he wishes he had and who he has become now. The potential conflict of Dread choosing between being selfish and holding the power or being trusted with a duty and trusted as a friend. I can already tell that Thorn will choose to be Amy over being Thorn.

Anyways, imagine the potential angst! The possible goodbyes... The "See you in Green Hills, Buddy."

#sonic prime #sonic the hedgehog #sonic #sonic prime spoilers #miles tails prower #amy rose #rouge the bat #knuckles the echidna #thorn rose #nine the fox #sth #sonic prime fan theory #rebel rouge #batten rouge #prim rouge #black rose #knuckles the dread #mangey the fox #mangey tails #sails the fox #sails tails #tails nine #rusty rose

[colorcodedbeanies]

S2E1-"Seven Thirty-Seven"

Season 2 let's fucking goooo. Said out loud "Jesse kill him" in this moment

TW: Sexual violence, addiction, police abuse, racism

So I mentioned in the last post that Tuco very much matches a white middle class Idea of what a criminal is. Violent, unpredictable, and indulgent, with a massive temper and hang-ups about respect. At the risk of poor meow-meowing him a little I think its interesting that this is complicated in this episode. Tuco PANICS when he realizes No-Doze is seizing, enough to turn the car around and seek out the closest help he has access to. When No-Doze dies, he gets angry, striking him again. This matches what we'll learn in future episodes (and in BCS). Tuco isn't necessarily violent for the hell of it. Rather, using makes him unstable, and that instability often manifests in actions he regrets later. To be clear: Tuco has definitely killed before and likely would have again had he not encountered Hank. He's certainly not taking any steps to protect himself or the people around him. No-Doze's death is really no one's fault but his own. The Salamancas in general tend to manifest their psychological issues and insecurities into violence directed at a lot of indiscriminate bystanders. But to me, even that capacity for regret and lack of control complicates that "stone cold killer" image that Walt and Jesse have of him. Gonzo is also complicated, worrying that shoving No-Doze's corpse under a stack of a cars "[isn't] very Christian", but I'll dig more into that closer to the end.

So we've got another pairing of eroticism and criminality, but this time its manifesting as explicitly sexual violence. Walt assaults his wife. There's no other way to describe it. She is telling him to back off and until she screams "stop it" he continues to ignore her objections. To me, there's two ways to read this scene. One, Walt is unexpectedly aroused by what happened. Something about the distress of the situation, (or very possibly, being yelled at and degraded by a bigger, younger man) created a sexual reaction in him. And/or, Walt is attempting to imitate Tuco as a way to cope with the fear of that situation. Tuco beats the shit out of No-Doze, Walt attempts to act out his fear and frustration on Skyler's body (including shoving her forcefully against the fridge). Skyler even explicitly attributes it to fear, though she believes it stems from his cancer anxieties. Regardless, this isn't going to be the last time Walt attempts to imitate brown men who humiliate him/terrify him in a desperate attempt to defend his own masculinity. Bringing my inevitable cuckoldry discussion ever closer (threatening).

I think its important to give some due credit: Hank is legitimately making an empathetic attempt at helping Marie with her issues. He doesn't always say or do the right things with the situation (clearly being more comfortable tossing her at a therapist than having honest conversations with his wife). But the thing with dealing with addiction is that there's rarely a concrete right solution. He does his best (for now) to not lay blame at her feet, provides her with multiple support mechanisms, and is resolutely in her corner for dealing with this. Which would be very sweet to see if it weren't also likely some tactics he would make fun of a meth addict's family for employing. Its hard not to connect Marie's issues and Hank's work when the show takes pains to show Hank smacking a prisoner's cell bars after a frustrating interaction with her. Hank may be frequently disrespectful and callous to Marie, but he clearly views her as worth investing in, worth coaching through this, and is clearly conscious that she can't be held meaningfully accountable for what she does unless she has the proper help in place too. An attitude that does NOT apply to anyone who isn't his rich white wife.

It is notable, though, that the Schraders have clearly left this all as a secret in order to save face and keep up appearances. I went after Skyler pretty hard for how she responds to her in the moment, but I want it on record: Hank very much ambushes her with information about her kleptomania, and then immediately asks for support without a word of apology for either her distress or for keeping this from her. What Skyler says isn't kind. It isn't nice and it isn't empathetic to her sister. But she's also not wrong that she's being asked to just box up her feelings at a point when she's already under an immense amount of strain, which no one has really bothered to reach out to her for. They really are Jesse and Jake aged up, both vying to be taken seriously while also being mortally afraid of admitting to weakness in their day to day life.

Walt doesn't nail down the lie about the meth, writing off Jesse's concerns. Specifically what he says is "How much salesmanship do we really need? That degenerate snorts anything he gets his hands on." This is going to bite him in the ass next episode, but is pretty telling of how Walt views addicts. Unthinking, ravenous, almost animalistic, and importantly, with no sense of self-preservation.

Gonzo is my final note: he dies doing something innately human. He dies going back to rebury his friend, another gangster that polite society doesn't give a shit about, because its the respectful, Christian thing to do. He dies slowly and in pain, bleeding out alone. This is all extremely funny to the DEA, who pose for selfies with his corpse and cackle about the idiot criminal.

#breaking bad #brba #walter white #skyler white #tuco salamanca #hank schrader #marie schrader #analysis tag #long post #brba s2 e1

[redoqs]

Redoqs Rambles

TW: Anxiety

Overthinking has always been a rough thing for me though I never realized it until recently. It’s always had a way of sneaking up on me a lot of the time and by the time I realized that I’m doing it I’m already in deep. I start feeling almost overwhelmingly anxious—the worst of it including me being physically sick and unable to eat or sleep or do anything—and my mood is affected for a while after that until something comes along to pull me out of my funk and even then it only lasts for so long until the cycle starts again.

I’m not typing all this to focus on how bad the overthinking has gotten. I know how it felt when it was at its absolute worst. I know that if I had allowed it to continue it would cause me to harm those close to me and I refuse to let that happen. So after taking a bit to think about it, I took myself to therapy and it’s honestly one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Over the course of the past few months the overthinking has gotten a lot better. Of course some days are more difficult than others, I know I still have things to learn and unlearn and sometimes the thoughts have a victory—for example, I had a thought today that got to me but I’m okay now. Proud of myself actually because months ago, a thought like that would’ve had me out of it for the whole day—but I have methods now that I can do that’ll help me ground myself whenever I get caught up in my thoughts. I have things I can do to help ease my mind and help me realize that about 99% of the things I’m thinking are not based on fact but rather assumptions that I’ve made up based on how I believed I felt.

A lot of good has come from it and I’m proud of myself but it’s not easy. The hardest part about all of this, for me, is admitting to myself that it’s all me. The overthinking and anxiety that comes from the thoughts, why I’m feeling the way that I do, how I allow myself to feel all stems from things within myself. No one wants to believe that they’re the problem but the best kind of people recognize their faults and try to fix them. Admitting that I’m the reason why I feel the way I do is daunting but also very freeing in a sense. I guess the first step to recovery is acknowledging that there are issues in the first place. I believe that it really works. Once I recognize what I’m feeling and where it’s coming from I can control it, give it time to run its course, determine if it’s based on fact or opinion and then let it go. It’s easier said than done but it does get easier everyday. This process allows me to control the flow of my thoughts before they get out of hand and focus on the positives rather than negatives that most likely won’t even happen. I want to get better and live my best life and every day I can feel myself getting closer and closer to that.

Like I said, this process hasn’t been easy but I’m getting through it and I’m proud of where I am now versus the beginning of the year. I have a few friends that I can definitely say have been there for me when some days were a little too much and I appreciate them more than they can ever know. I want to say though that there is someone else that I’m entirely grateful for, someone who’s never made me feel like I’m too much or that my personal feelings aren’t important. She’s been great to me, amazing actually. I couldn’t ask for a better person in my life and I wish I could think of something, anything I could do to express to her at least a little bit how much I appreciate all she’s done. This process would’ve been a lot harder without her support so thank you so much for being by my side and helping me, reassuring me and loving me. It means the universe to me and I’ll always cherish you. I genuinely hope you know that.

#redoqs rambles

[seafoamchild]

I continue to have anxiety dreams almost every night. usually of traveling - of not being able to get to the airport on time, or realizing I haven't packed any of the things I need. I have dreams about people watching me and not having any privacy. sometimes I get killed in my dreams. I even had one about flying, which was great at first, but then it turned into an anxiety dream because I couldn't control where I was going.

I'm trying to understand what makes me so anxious. I know a lot of it stems from my relationship with my parents, and I'm making efforts to distance myself from them. eventually I want to talk to my mom about what's going on, but for now I just need space. they have always been too involved in my life. their influence has felt suffocating for so long. and my dad just creates stress and anxiety wherever he goes. the most mundane things become the biggest ordeals. and then if I get upset by the stress, it's my fault for being mean and sensitive. it is hard having a parent who is emotionally still a toddler. no wonder it stresses me out so much.

people-pleasing is all I knew based on observing my parents as a child. my mom went out of her way to do everything for my dad. like when he decided to go vegan, he expected her to make all of his vegan meals, and she did. when she went to visit her family and left him at home alone, she made sure there were enough leftovers for him to heat up, because god forbid he had to cook his own food as a 50-something year old man. she went out of her way to make sure he was happy, meaning everything was exactly how he wanted it so he could feel like he was in control. she would even change her tone of voice to appear happier than she felt, and encouraged me to do the same.

when I look back I have repeated this pattern in all of my relationships - going out of my way to please my boyfriend, paying for things, making sure I don't upset him. I never brought up issues I was having because I had no idea how to talk about that kind of thing. I had never learned. I had also never learned that it was normal and okay to set boundaries. and that it was normal and okay to get mad when those boundaries were crossed. I kind of let my boyfriends do whatever they wanted. it caused me so much pain - I didn't know anything different than bottling up my feelings because I was always taught that they didn't matter.

it feels so different with T. we actually have discussions. not fights. and no passive aggressiveness. just honestly stating what line was crossed, and how we are going to move forward. I talked to him about his drinking/drug use the other night. and I was very clear that if he doesn't get help for his substance abuse problem, I can't be with him. that I will love and support him through recovery but I won't tolerate him continuing to get fucked up like that. and I mean it. I know I'm far from perfect and I'm working on recovery too. but I really want it this time and I think he does too. anyway I'm practicing self-advocacy and setting boundaries. and even though I don't think this relationship is going to be a long-lasting one, at least I'm practicing. my feelings matter and they are valid.

I feel like I'm finally becoming self-assured enough to leave this place. I used to be so terrified of leaving my friends. but I was really just terrified of facing all the things that made me loathe myself and doubt myself. I have been avoiding it all - drinking, drugging, compulsive exercising, overworking, planning too many trips, saying yes to too many things. I don't need any of that anymore. I don't need to try and be friends with people who don't make time for me. I don't need everyone to like me. I am starting to understand.

#journal

[musecaravan-info]

Ronnie Brennan

"I love places that make me realize how tiny me and my problems are." ~ Anonymous ~

Basic Information

Being a shapeshifter, Ronnie’s appearance is relative. However, she doesn’t really like to shift… so this section is based on her “favorite” form.

FACE/BODY CLAIM: Zooey Deschanel

NAME: Veronica 'Ronnie' Brennan

AGE: 26

EYES: Light Grey

HAIR: Dark brown

HEIGHT: 5'2

PRIMARY OUTFIT: Comfy jeans and a comfy t-shirt is all Ronnie really needs (Usually the t-shirt is music-related.) She does have a necklace she wears on a regular basis - the pendant is the silver bullet that was originally intended to kill her - a constant reminder to stay under the radar. She can also (almost always) be found in a pair of combat boots; she especially likes those of the outrageous variety - like zebra stripes, for example.

Personality

Ronnie typically comes off as playful and friendly to most people. She's also a huge nerd of the pop culture variety and loves talking with other (willing) people about mutual favorite things. She the kind of person that always tries to remain up-beat, even when things might not be going so well. Ronnie looks for the positive in everything, and is definitely a 'glass half full' kind of gal. Perhaps a little too trusting (especially given her past) she considers anyone a friend until they give her a reason not to.

Powers & Weaknesses

To avoid repetition, see this post. :)

Romance

Ronnie is technically pansexual and panromantic although she doesn't really look at it that way. What she cares about is a person’s inner self and is far less concerned about what they look like on the outside. As a shifter, she knows better than anybody not to judge based on appearance alone.

Due to some issues in her past, Ronnie does not actively go looking for relationships; nor is she easily able to perceive potential relationships (even when it’s beating her over the head with a stick.)

Essentially, she will be your muse’s best friend…until your muse shows romantic interest in her. This sort of forces her to acknowledge the attraction that’s (typically) already there.

Note - this does not include casual flirting; it needs to be a serious declaration of romantic intent.

Where to Find Her

To avoid repetition, see this post. :)

Verses

Just because a verse isn't listed here doesn't mean I'm not interested in writing it. I adore all kinds of AUs, and welcome the chance to get creative with my muses. If you've seen a verse that another of my muses has, and you'd like to see this muse in something similar, let me know. You can also check out my 'Plot Ideas' tag, too. ^_^

Main Verse:

Ronnie is a shapeshifter with a jaded past. She struggles with what she is and HATES shifting. In this verse, she travels around the country in her RV, doing her best to stay on the 'down low,' and trying to fight the genetic urge to create chaos. She typically controls this urge via a variety of hacking skills, and she uses her abilities to help people who need it.

'Connected' Verse

This verse is almost exactly like main verse. However it's built around Ronnie's relationships with a handful of characters written by other RPers. The main difference in this verse is that Ronnie shares a mental connection with the archangel, Gabriel, stemming from an encounter in a specific RP.

Essentially, it means if your muse has heavy ties to Gabriel’s past, Ronnie’s probably going to experience the sensation that she knows them…or she might actually have specific emotions that surface when your muse is around.

For example - if you’re muse is one of Gabe’s (aka Loki’s) kids, then there would be vague feelings of recognition. Also, regardless of the situation, she’d feel at ease with them…possibly a bit paternal…maybe slightly guilty, as well.

This DOES NOT have to be a prominent part of our roleplay - but it IS a part of the verse and for continuity’s sake will more than likely be mentioned, at least in passing, by my muse... even if it’s only in her head.

Current/Ongoing Threads

If your thread with Ronnie isn't listed here it's probably because it's been long enough since your last reply that I thought you'd dropped it. Message me to let me know you're still interested, and I'll happily add you to the list (with no pressure for a reply.) ♡

None at the Moment

Your Thread Here!

Completed Threads

I don't have many of these on any of my blogs, but RPs I've actually completed deserve to be acknowledged, I think. ;)

Gabriel:

1 Bar, 2 Bar, 3 Bar, Floor! ('Connected' Verse)

Aftereffects ('Connected' Verse)

No One's Perfect ('Connected' Verse)

With a Little Help ('Connected' Verse)

Lirim:

Flashback of Maine ('Connected' Verse)

What Burns Inside ('Connected' Verse)

Rei:

Don't Lose Your Head ('Connected' Verse)

Seraphiel:

B-Rated (Main Verse)

Of Muses and Music (Main Verse)

Take the Long Way Home (Main Verse)

Stuff That's Good to Know Before Starting a Thread

Ronnie is my oldest muse. There's a lot of headcanon on her original blog that I don't really prescribe to any more. If you're an 'old-timer' with her, and you don't see something here that used to be a thing, then it's probably not anymore. However, it's okay to ask me about stuff. Because she's my oldest, it's also possible I've forgotten something, or that I've overlooked something. There's SO MUCH content on her original blog; it can be hard to sort through.

I am NOT fully caught up on the series - I’ve only seen through the end of Season 10, and I don’t know when I’ll get around to watching any more. TBH, I was more than a little disappointed with the first couple of episodes of Season 11, so… yeah.

I also do not have a photographic memory for the seasons I have seen, so if I make a mistake with something don’t be afraid to tell me. As long as you’re not rude about it, I promise to hear you out. ^_^

Links

Please keep in mind, this blog is an ongoing work in progress. Not all of these links may lead somewhere, but they're here because they link to potential tags for this muse.

All Things Ronnie

Headcanons

Drabbles

All Threads

Ask Replies

Meme Replies

Aesthetics

Face

Special Links

Original Blog

Ronnie's Appearance

Ronnie's Home

Ronnie's Transportation

Return To Full Muse List

[graceerodgers]

Blog Post #3; A Talk With Tom Ripley

Hello, my name is Gracee Rodgers and today I have the opportunity to be interviewing Thomas Ripley on several events in his life. Many years ago Ripley committed several heinous acts and today we all have the opportunity to understand what was going on inside his head.

Tom has faced 30 years in jail and has since been attending therapy sessions, going to church, and attempting to rebuild his life that he almost let his identity crisis ruin. He has learned a lot about himself and his sexuality. Tom agreed to come here today to show the public that he is a man who changed for the better and tell his story.

Everyone, please welcome Tom Ripley 40 years later

Hello Mr. Ripley, thank you for joining me today for this interview. I just have a couple of questions I'd like to ask regarding your past with the Greenleaf family in connection to your sexuality.

Thank you for having me. I'm happy to be here. 

My first question for you is when did you realize that you were so infatuated with Dickie? What was it about him that caused all the craze? 

Sigh, Dickie was a man with great power. Everyone around Dickie adores him, even Marge said it herself. He had the power to make anyone like him, but with that came a side of me I wish I never had to chance to see. Dickie had the perfect life, he was gorgeous, had comfortable living situations, great friends, and a witty spark that always came with him, the perfect man. Whenever I was with Dickie I felt like time would stop. It was a confusing feeling for me, living in New York during the 1950s is nothing what it is like compared to today.

In what sense?

Well, you know. Nobody wanted to be around anyone who wasn't normal and men "having crushes" on other men wasn't normal. It frightened me in the back of my mind because that's exactly what it was, a huge crush. Actually, it stemmed so far from a crush that Dickie became my obsession.

Did you always have a romantic attraction to him or did it start off as platonic?

 I loved Dickie from the beginning in a way no one understood. When the opportunity to go to Italy for free came, I was intrigued. I saw it as a challenge. The moment Mr.Greenleaf told me that his son went to Princeton, I automatically assumed that this was a high profile family. I also didn't have the best living situation before, so a free trip to Italy was a win in every category, but the second I saw Dickie on the beach for the first time something came over me. It was almost embarrassing how the plan changed over time, I soon stopped caring what I was sent there for. I wanted to be with Dickie so bad but I tried to play it off as a friendship for so long that I can't even pinpoint when I fell in too deep. I was attracted to Dickie the moment I met eyes with him, but the more time I spent with him, the more I craved him. I was young and naive but everyone has regretful moments.

Do you look back and find your ways disturbing?

I do, I think about it everyday. I was in need of a great amount of help at the time. Now that I’ve gone through many healing stages and therapy, I realize how deeply depressed I was. I was chasing a life that was not mine and it led to me taking lives. The worst part is, I stole his identity on top of it all. Every time I think about it I cringe. I’ve been trying to stop beating myself up about the past and accept the pivot in my morals but it’s hard. I'm not even sure if it had anything to do with my sexuality. Aside from my sexuality, I had many mental issues causing this entire thing to spiral out of control.

Do you feel like you found yourself through dickie?

In a way, yes. In several ways matter of fact. Since adolescence, I always knew there was something different about me. Something so different that I myself was scared to come to terms with it. When I was around dickie, i was always entertained. I loved being in his presence and learning more about his fascinating lifestyle. He allowed me to learn more about myself through him which made him even more attractive to me.

Do you regret the last conversation you held with Dickie before you ended his life?

When he told me I gave him the creeps my heart broke into pieces. I didn't know how to feel. Anger filled my body and caused me to hit him. As soon as I saw blood I instantly regretted it, but I had to do what I had to do. I regret the conversation for many reasons but the more I look back, the more embarrassed I get. I thought the feeling was somewhat mutual, we had so much in common and always had the most fun together. I assumed he was like me, closeted, scared, and trapped in his own mind with his feelings. I almost thought of it as saving him from Marge. I had a false narrative in my head that he hated her and they weren't meant for each other. The rejection evoked so many emotions that were impossible to control all at once. I regret it, but then I think to myself, “who would I be today without these experiences?”. Although ashamed, I am proud of my ability to perform something with such a risk. 

Were you nervous to attempt this with such a high profile man? The greenleaf name seems to ring bells.

I was nervous but confident. I've always said I am a man of three talents. Forgery, telling lies and impersonating practically anybody. It's sick but it's true. I still remember what Dickie said to me, “That’s three. Nobody should have more than one talent.” Till this day, I feel confident enough in my ability to do it again. It's like a horrible superpower I have, which makes me still feel like a villain. 

Okay Mr.Ripley I don't want to take away too much of your time so for our last question I’d like to ask If you were to experience everything again in today's society, how different do you think it would be? Would you be more open with your sexuality? 

 I would like to think that I would be much more comfortable with my sexuality but I'm not sure. Now, I've learned and grown. I understand the concepts of sexuality but it's hard to tell. It was such a vulnerable feeling I don't think I would ever volunteer that information, but I do think having a more fluid sexuality is more accepted now than it was 40 years ago. In today's society I'd also assume it would be much harder to con someone out of their identity being that all the technology is much more advanced as well as ways to find people like myself.

Thank you so much for sharing I appreciate your time and vulnerability.

Thank you so much for having me. Bye Gracee!

[mydarksadshadow]

shadow work day 10

date: 22nd Dec '22

what is a list of things that I find inspiring?

inspiring toh bahot sari cheezein lagti hain. lekin sirf inspire hone se nahi chalta, usko life me apply krna zyada matter krta hai. waise the list would include feminism, feminists, people who fight through odds like not having a support system and yet still going on to achieve the things they wanted in life, people with unwavering optimism in finding better people for their lives despite getting disappointed repeatedly by shitty people (that's me, I'm tryna stay positive, I hope I find at least one friend soon, but I won't tell her any of my fears/weaknesses, ain't makin that mistake again). bas zyada aur kuch nahi, I think I am my own competition and strength. I trust myself enough to get out of this now.

what am I insecure about? when did these insecurities start and why?

I think I am still a bit insecure about my native tongue when my parents speak in front of people that I know, and I think it stems from my inferiority complex (IC). I have managed to overcome 99% of my ICs, except for this part. I have inherited my IC issues from my mom. she ain't insecure about the language part though surprisingly. I'm also insecure about failing 11th grade but as long as that part of me stays hidden from the rest of the world, I couldn't care about it any less at this point. one can't do much when their parents are cunts. I guess I am also insecure about my weaknesses like the fact that I don't really have a relationship with my parents so it'll be awkward to invite friends over cus we ain't a normal family by any means, and the loneliness feels quite painful too sometimes. my weaknesses make me insecure cus they are a reminder of how shit my life has been in the past couple of years and how horribly hopeless I have felt this whole time. ups and downs of life I guess. never letting my fucking egg and sperm donor control my fucking life again. motherfucking cunts. also, I just realized that currently, I don't feel worthy enough of having a loving, romantic relationship cus of how unworthy that fuckboy made me feel. he's the biggest cunt ever. maybe if I start spending more time with other people, I'll stop feeling like this.

what was my favorite activity as a child? do I still do this activity today?

I used to love reading and playing/spending time with my friends. It eased me from the pain and abuse I endured at home. I enjoyed reading a lot as it helped me escape the world for a few hours and it made me more self-aware and independent compared to my peers (i wish I also had more self-esteem though) and gave me hope for a better future, plus it made my English strong and gave me this cool-ass personality. *flips hair* I still try to read from time to time and I wish I did it more often, and I would love to have the company of some real non-toxic friends now. my fingers are always crossed for that. let's see how things pan out in the next couple of months.

what are the things that I am looking forward to during my lifetime?

I am looking forward to having a fulfilling career, wonderful friends who are kind, loving, supportive, and generous (and I mirror the same qualities in our friendship), and marrying the man of my dreams who is everything I could have desired for and he feels the same way about me and we make each other very happy. I also look forward to having 3 beautiful kids, and a pet dog, and a Persian cat, and living a comfortable & luxurious life with no money-related worries in life whatsoever, and actually feeling worthy of receiving healthy, unconditional love from people around me.

[aminiatureworld]

Enigmatic Feelings

Characters: Albedo, Diluc, Xiao, Zhongli, gn!reader

Word Count: 5,544

Warnings: None

Premise: Love is a potent force. And sometimes little things take on larger meanings, especially when one party is unaware of them.

In which the reader’s s/o is jealous

Author’s Note: This trope is 100% my guilty pleasure. I hope I did it justice.

I also realized while writing this that all these characters have the emotional understanding of a teaspoon, but they’re trying their best, so that’s what counts.

Albedo

Albedo was many things. A great alchemist, a man of secrets, a weapon with which one might someday bring destruction. He was even a lover, albeit an unpracticed one. But what he was not was emotional. Or so he thought.

Of course Albedo knew what jealousy was, knew the sort of stupidity that people could fall into when altogether too infatuated with their own love. But just because one knows what jealousy is does not mean one must fall prey to such things. Or so Albedo assumed.

It was the fourth day in a row that a knight had approached your door. Friedrich was his name, and he was doing a stellar job at capturing your attention, and pulling on emotions that Albedo had long told himself he didn’t contain.

Today the flower was a Windwheel Aster, swaying this way and that in the pocket of space between your two hands. You were smiling at it, or rather at Friedrich, brightly, fingers mere moments away from Friedrich as you went to claim the fourth flower this week. Though the was nothing necessarily untoward in Friedrich’s movements, and Albedo would much rather a person of integrity be attempting to woo you, even if the idea itself turned knots in his stomach; nevertheless it still left a bad taste in the alchemist’s mouth, and a worry in his heart that he was not so immune to jealousy as he’d previous assumed.

“Thank you!” You spoke to Friedrich, giving one last wave before walking back over to Albedo. “Albedo look! It’s a Windwheel Aster. It’s very nice of Friedrich to give me one, maybe I can use it, or maybe it’ll be helpful for your experiments?”

“Yes, thank you. I, I think you should keep it.”

As much as Albedo wanted to take the flower and throw it in the incinerator, he couldn’t bring himself to shatter the smile on your face. No matter how dearly it cost him to see you smile down once more at the delicate red petals. And no matter how much it haunted him the rest of the day to imagine you, face framed by a smile, a bouquet of a random knight’s making in your hands.

That knight as Albedo put away the Bunsen burners and the graduated cylinders he kept his mind preoccupied by thoughts of you. Surely he had to tell you his feelings, for if not they would keep building in his chest; building and building until one day he erupted, with you in the line of fire rather than the knight who was creating this whole dilemma, perhaps even unwittingly. Though Albedo had never been in a relationship before he knew stories. Weren’t books full of those kinds of moments? Men, women, people, all of them running over one another in their misunderstanding, in their overwhelming guilt.

No, he wouldn’t turn out like that, wouldn’t let the two of you be hurt in such a way. He had to tell you. Had to make you understand how much his chest constricted when he saw you carrying the gifts of others, had to let it be known before he lost control of these emotions. After all, wasn’t that what happened with emotions? They grow and grow and one day they spill over. And Albedo never wanted these emotions to spill over. No matter the cost.

“May I tell you something?”

The sunlight was streaming through the laboratory windows, the air warm enough that Sucrose had tied up her hair during her shift. And yet Albedo felt cold, oh so cold. He was going to tell you today. He hadn’t been able to tell you three days ago, nor two days ago, nor yesterday. And now the bouquet of flowers that occupied a tiny glass on the windowsill felt quite large indeed. Today would be day eight if Friedrich showed up at lunchtime, and before that Albedo would tell you.

“Of course you can Albedo, I’m all ears!”

You turned around, a soft smile once more spreading across your face. Putting down the pencil you’d been holding you leaned back against the lab table. Albedo took in a deep breath. He could do this. He would do this. He had to do this. No matter what, today. Today, he would do this.

“I-I’m jealous.” The words hung in the air for a moment, as if not understood.

“Jealous?” You tilted your head slightly, worry making your smile slip. “Albedo, jealous of what?”

“Of Friedrich, of you and Friedrich, or rather, I mean, of Friedrich giving you flowers.” Albedo paused, words tangling in his mouth, tripping on each other in an attempt to be understood. What if this was a mistake.

“Albedo,” you shook you head softly, walking over to cup your partner’s face, “I promise that there’s nothing in it. The flowers are lovely, of course, but nothing in this world could replace or stem my love for you. You have nothing to worry about.”

“I know,” Albedo replied hurriedly, worried still that he might be misunderstood, “I’m not trying to accuse you of anything, or say that I doubt you. My love, I will never doubt you. I just, I just feel so uncomfortable when he brings you flowers. It feels like, like I don’t know; it feels like I’m being poisoned, suddenly and all at once. And I don’t want it to affect the way I act towards you. So, so I wanted to tell you. You don’t have to stop, if those flowers make you happy then that’s what matters. But, but I just wanted to tell you.”

You said nothing, staring into Albedo’s eyes, gaze piercing through the alchemist. It was always that way with you. How you managed to destroy the control he thought he had, the wall he’d erected between himself and humanity. How you made him feel unsure and fallible and whole. And, just as before, now your gaze softened and you shook your head, your smile a balm for the raw unfamiliarity of putting together emotions.

“It’s okay Albedo, I’m glad you told me. Just like my emotions matter to you, I’d rather not see you unhappy. To be honest, I just never saw Friedrich’s actions in the way that he probably meant them. We all struggle with our feelings sometimes, I do just like you. Just as long as well tell each other, all will be well. Alright?”

“Yes. Thank you. I don’t know what I do without you.”

“Well you’ll never have to find out, so it doesn’t matter!”

There was no eighth flower that day, at least not one that was successfully given. Albedo supposed that he could pity Friedrich, but in reality he felt nothing but relief. The emotions that had left such a bad taste in his mouth seemed so far away now, for there was you, only you. It would only ever be you for him, and the days in which you said the same thing of him Albedo felt as if he could truly be happy, and truly acknowledge the emotions that swirled inside him, the love for you so great it spilled over into a vast ocean.

 Diluc

Diluc found most merchants loathsome, something perhaps not entirely fair considering his own status as a mover of goods.

Still, merchants in general were an unlikeable bunch. Prone to complacency and greed, this elite circle was comprised of people who thought of little than of ways to line their pockets anew. It disgusted Diluc and as he stood there, watching as a man who had enough jewelry on his body to weigh down a pack mule and a smile that made one want to run in the other direction, throw compliments and boasts your way, the winery owner was reminded about all that was wrong with the world in which he worked.

“So your goal is to attempt to find a route through which we might trade our wine in Inazuma?” You repeated the words the man had just spoken, expression skeptical. “As much as it would mean good business to begin another trade route, I believe the border restrictions will cause no little difficulty.”

“Restrictions such as those are nothing for a man like me.” The merchant smile once more and Diluc felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand straight up. “I have the ability to wave past such an issue. Indeed with the right price I believe I could expand your network to include all of the seven major lands, if you haven’t been trading internationally.”

“Thank you for your offer.” You replied, too focused on the work in front of you to notice the merchant’s roving sort of gaze. “I’ll see what Master Diluc has to say. However I warn you, as much as international exports are important for a growing trade, smuggling wine into locked countries will do little good. Especially considering what the damage could do to this winery’s reputation if such a thing was found out.”

“Don’t worry, I assure you my methods are completely secure. In fact, if you’d like to discuss it in more depth, I do believe that I may be able to enlighten you over a meal.”

“Perhaps, although Master Diluc would certainly have to be there.” You smiled slightly, and Diluc wondered for a moment if you were being purposefully oblivious or simply didn’t notice the meaning behind the merchant’s words.

“I will be back tomorrow, perhaps you’ll have an answer then?”

“I’m sure I will.” You replied, smiling as the two of you shook hands. As the merchant walked out of the winery your smile morphed into a sort of smirk and you looked up towards the balcony of the second floor.

“You can come out now Diluc, I know you’re there.”

Diluc couldn’t help but smile at those words, he truly couldn’t get anything past you. Hurrying down the stairs he swept you up in his arms, sighing slightly into your neck as you tightened the embrace.

“Ever so observant, my darling.”

“I know that you’d never let a transaction or a business conversation take place without your knowledge.” There was a playfulness to your voice, coming from the knowledge that you were utterly correct. “Still, you could’ve come downstairs you know. I don’t think that anyone would need to believe that you were going through your ‘very important paperwork, and lurking around is your night job.’”

“It seemed somehow wrong to suddenly appear in front of you two and derail the conversation.” Diluc drew away and placed a soft kiss on the tip of your nose, chuckling when you immediately wrinkled it. “Especially since you were doing so well on your own.”

“Oh he’s just like the rest of them,” you sighed, “altogether a bit too full of themselves.”

“Especially in this one’s case.” Diluc said, finally letting a scowl cross his face.

“What do you mean?”

The look on your face was one of innocence and confusion, and for a moment Diluc felt his thoughts stammer, as he realized that you truly were unaware of the way that the merchant was looking at you, unaware of the manner which caused Diluc even now to continue to press his hand gently against your lower back. If you didn’t notice it, then surely Diluc was overreacting, surely there was no reason for his heart to stutter and his stomach to drop. Surely there was no reason, and surely he shouldn’t tell you.

“Nothing at all, I just didn’t like his face.” He hurried now to reply, realizing how odd his pause must’ve seemed. “Will you be accepting his proposal for a business dinner?”

“I’m not sure. I suppose it couldn’t hurt. And then it might be a good venue for the two of you to talk. Since you find him especially ghastly, I think a more public meeting might be easier.”

“Perhaps, but I don’t think that invitation was meant for me.” Diluc replied, before realizing his gaffe and falling silent.

“What? What do you mean of course it’s meant for you. I mean you are the owner of the Winery. Who else would it be for?”

“For, for you my darling. Why else would he ask you in such a way?” Diluc tried to keep the acid out of his words. It wasn’t your fault after all. It wasn’t your fault that some louche was asking after you.

“But I’m not the one in charge.” You furrowed your brow. “I can’t make the final decision. And I won’t allow him to attempt to bypass getting your permission either.”

“My darling, I, I think he meant it a different way.”

“What way?”

Diluc sighed, capitulating quickly to his want to tell you. Even if it was perhaps selfish of him, he was never truly good at keeping his feelings masked away, at least in a way that didn’t result in him completely shutting down. And you meant to much to him than for Diluc to try and lie to you.

“You see, I think he was attempting to ask you on a more romantic sort of dinner.”

“What?”

Your reaction was immediate, your expression quickly turning into one of shock and then of disgust. Letting out a groan you buried your face into the front of Diluc’s coat, eliciting a short laugh from its owner.

“Why? I… I… Even if I weren’t in love with you I’d never go out to dinner with him.”

“I don’t think he would appreciate the sentiment.”

“Diluc.” You let out another groan, shaking your head as if to rid yourself of the thought. “Archons, ugh thank you for telling me. I, disgusting.”

Diluc said nothing, simply tightening the hold of his arms around you. Though your reaction was certainly justifiable he knew there was something more behind them, and he felt grateful for your consideration. Though he knew that would always have been your reaction, it didn’t stop the pressure that ha been building in his chest, the thoughts that screamed what if, what if, what if. What if there is something better than you.

“Hey, are you alright?” You voice drifted up through the fabric of Diluc coat. He smiled, relaxing his grasp around you and pressing a soft kiss to the crown of your head.

“I will be. May I hold you a little longer?”

“Of course. You’re the only one for me, you know.”

“And you for me. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Those words, though so small, were somehow enough.

 Xiao

The new guest at the inn had been speaking to you for quite some time. That was Xiao’s first observation. The second was that you didn’t seem to mind. The third was that for some reason he suddenly felt incredibly irritated.

It was a beautiful evening, the kind that would’ve normally had you and Xiao sitting on the roof together, fingers entwined, the silence of nature cushioning the two of your from the outside world. It was a ritual, something that Xiao had come to rely on, had come to almost sanctify. Yet here he was, sitting on one of the thicker branches of the trees that dotted the outside of the Inn, trying desperately to quench the anger that bloomed in his chest as he watched you and the guest talk the minutes away.

Perhaps the worst part was that you didn’t seem to mind. Instead of pulling the conversation towards a close, you seemed perfectly content to keep talking, smiling brightly and quickly answering the questions of this uninvited guest. Normally Xiao didn’t care about , or rather didn’t keep track of, the people you spoke to. Of course you would have friends, would have people that mattered to you. Just because Xiao had disconnected himself from humanity didn’t mean that you had to. So why was he so angry?

His patience ran out when the guest reached for your hand. Sidling next to you as fast as he could Xiao peeled off his invisibility, enjoying the shock that registered across the uninvited guest’s face as he moved his hand back. Reaching to entwine his hand with yours Xiao shifted his gaze towards your face. Shock was painted into your expression, but there was also something else, a glimmer of happiness or of satisfaction. Somehow it unnerved Xiao, and he focused instead on the task at hand, whatever that task was.

“It’s getting late.”

“Oh, of course.” Turning back to the guest you smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry to cut this short, but perhaps we’ll speak again some other time?”

“Gladly!” The man’s face lit up, before Xiao’s glaring left him scampering down the steps.

“Xiao, is something wrong?” The question was so genuine, without any sense of knowing more than you let. Unfortunately the question was also unanswerable.

“It’s late. We should go.” Xiao gestured towards the roof, hoping the reminder would flush the question out of your head.

“You’re right, I suppose it is getting late. And we wouldn’t want to waste such a wonderful evening.” You smiled. And yet somehow Xiao felt unplacated. He was happy, wasn’t he? So why, why did the question hang in the air, and why did the discontent remain?

The next day was a lazy one, as Xiao waited for you to be done with work. More than usual he missed you, and he wished that the hours would go faster, so he might be able to once more enjoy your presence, to banish the discontent that he still felt, evening after an hour spent wholly in your company.

Eventually the sun made its descent from the heavens, and Xiao pulled himself once more to the perch on the tree he’d taken the night before. Gazing down at the balcony he saw the familiar figure of the unwanted guest, and a stab of anger flashed through him. This was made all the worse by your entrance, and the fact you once more stopped to make time for this intruder.

The man was just as insufferable as before, full of jokes that Xiao didn’t understand and words that though praising of you felt somewhat hollow, almost insulting. You laughed along to these jokes, smiled at these odd compliments. And when the man asked if you might be willing to talk more over some sort of meal you merely smiled.

Xiao, however, found the whole ordeal unbearable. Why should this person be asking all these things, be prying you with words of intimacy and familiarity. Had he not arrived yesterday? Was he not an utter stranger? Confusion mixed with irritation in Xiao’s head, and he found it difficult to hold on to the stony reason he’d built up. What was going on? What was this terrible feeling of anger and want? He couldn’t understand human ways. Less could he understand why they should have any sort of effect on him.

Still he had to do something. Had to do anything. Swooping down once more Xiao began the same charade. This time, however, the man merely jumped, and for all his glaring Xiao couldn’t dislodge the guest from his place on the balcony.

“It’s late.”

“Ah it is. Are you hungry?” He asked, addressing you once more.

“I’m not at all, but Xiao’s right. It is late. If you haven’t eaten yet then perhaps you should. Smiley Yanxiao is quite strict about his rest.”

“Ah, then perhaps you’re right. Still, why not join me? You can tell me your name, and we can talk a little more about the things you do.”

“You don’t even know their name.” Xiao spat out the sentence, barely able to contain the odd sort of irritation that still spun around him. He asked you all those questions, said all those words of praise, all without knowing your name. It felt somehow dehumanizing, somehow… wrong.

“I would be glad to learn it.” The man smiled.

Xiao simply shook his head. He needed to leave. It was becoming too much again, and the last thing Xiao wanted was for a stranger to see him this way, see him unsure and confused and not a little frightened of these alien emotions. Glaring at the man one more time Xiao scooped you up. Ignoring the surprised shriek that you let out he shot up into the sky, moving towards the familiar sanctuary of Jueyen Karst, deeply grateful that the guest, whatever he could do, could never fly.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” You asked, barely giving Xiao the time to set you down onto one of Liyue’s sloping peaks before asking him the one question he couldn’t answer.

“Nothing.”

“Well it’s certainly not nothing. You’re being awfully rude to that guest, and I can’t understand why. Usually you don’t really care about those sorts of things. So something must be wrong, and I want to know what it is.”

A pause.

“Please.”

“I can’t.” It was all Xiao could say, the only thing that would truly encompass the truth, because in truth he couldn’t. He himself didn’t understand it.

“What do you mean you can’t?”

“My chest hurts.”

“What?” Immediately your face shifted into one of worry, and you placed a soft hand over Xiao’s heart. Somehow the gesture was calming, and Xiao closed his eyes, enjoying the receding of the hot bands that had just been restricting him.

“My chest hurt when I saw you with that, that guest. My chest hurt and I felt angry. That’s what’s wrong. My chest hurt, but now it doesn’t; and I don’t understand it.”

There was a pause, and Xiao studied the expressions on your face, watched as they shifted from worry to confusion to caution.

“Xiao, is it possible you were jealous?”

“No.” The idea was somehow insulting.

“It’s alright to be jealous Xiao. It just means you care about someone very much. You don’t have to just dismiss it like that. I want to make sure that you’re alright, so please be honest. Is it possible you were jealous?”

Xiao let another gap form in the conversation, trying to figure out how to answer. The suggestion felt demeaning, felt as if he somehow had no control over himself, no trust of you. And yet it somehow made sense, and even as he shook his head he found himself letting out a different answer.

“I don’t know.”

“It’s okay if you don’t. I know that new emotions can be frightening, can be difficult to deal with. But Xiao, I’ll always love you. It doesn’t matter who else I meet or what else happens in my life. I love you the way that a bird loves the sky. You’re a part of my life I could never lose. So even if this isn’t jealousy, even if I’m wrong, I still want to let you know. I love you.”

Xiao sighed, a smile finally gracing his lips, the pain in his chest finally melting away. What did he ever do to deserve such a person as you, he would never know. He wished he could repeat those words back to you word for word, wished that he could explain that his love for you was all encompassing, had seeped through the cracks of his existence and his life. He wished he could form together the words necessary to convey his love for you. Even if it was impossible he still wished it.

So instead he leaned over towards you. Letting out a gentle sigh he brought his lips to yours, reveling in the soft sensation of your mouth against his, reveling in the way you leaned against him, bringing you arm up to his neck, letting out a soft breath of contentment as the two of you disconnected.

You didn’t ask him anything else, and for the rest of the evening you two sat on the grass, watching the fireflies dance around you as you leaned against one another.

Perhaps Xiao didn’t yet understand the extent to which he loved you, the emotions that had now risen up, given life by the love you’d poured into the adeptus. Perhaps he didn’t understand this yet, but he knew that all would be well. For with you all that irritation seemed so far away, as if it belonged to a Xiao of yesterday. Because here and now you two were together, breathing in the same mutual contentment, the same mutual trust, the same mutual love. And that present was more important than any jealousy could be.

 Zhongli

Looking back on the matter Zhongli admitted that maybe pretending the problem didn’t exist was probably not the best solution.

It was only that you two had seemed so oddly content in talking, so, compatible, that Zhongli couldn’t help but feel a twinge of discontent, a tension that spread through his jaw and down to his stomach. He didn’t quite understand the nature of the emotion that now spread over him, but he did understand that it was connected to the bond that was now forming between you and the vendor in front of you.

“Dearest one.” He spoke softly, walking over to where you now stood.

“Oh, Zhongli!” Your face lit up as usual, and the ex-archon felt a piece of him uncoil. At least some things seemed to be unchanging, just as wonderful today as they had been the day before.

“I’ve been looking for you. I know you spoke of wanting to learn more about the nature of Cor Lapis, and the tea shop has been offering a new brew. Perhaps we could share a drink?”

“Oh that sounds lovely!” Turning around towards the vendor you smiled gently. “I’m sorry, I’ll have to try that lovely soup you were speaking of some other time.”

“Not at all!” The vendor’s smile was good natured, and Zhongli didn’t understand why he nevertheless felt a twinge of uncertainty. “I look forward to it. I hope you two have a nice day, and we’ll talk about it more later.”

Though the stall receded into the distance as the two of you turned the corner, Zhongli couldn’t help but let the moment run through his mind once more, finding it as sore to think about as a bruise might be to the touch.

“That vendor? Oh they’re new on the scene.” You smiled, taking a sip of tea.

The tea house was as calming as ever, the noises of the outside a distant song, and the hushed whispers inside adding to the intimate atmosphere. Zhongli normally loved to sit here, drinking cup after cup of tea, watching as the people came and went about their business, immersed in a small fragment of Liyue life. Now, however, he found he couldn’t stop thinking about the vendor. If he closed his eyes he could still remember their face, and the way yours was lit up while they were talking to you.

“Their name is Eli.” You continued on, oblivious to the way Zhongli’s hand tightened around his teacup. “They said that they set up shop maybe… two weeks ago? It hasn’t been a very long time, and they’re still struggling a bit. I hope that they’ll be able to get their business off the ground, who knew that street food was such a cutthroat world.”

“The city of Liyue is full of people who might make their way in the world, doing whatever they can. Perhaps it is unsurprising that competition is second nature to Liyue’s citizens.” Zhongli replied, hoping his tone wasn’t too curt. If it was you didn’t seem to mind, nodding softly in agreement.

“Speaking of Liyue and stories, perhaps you would like to tell me the story you were going to tell? I very much doubt that Cor Lapis is the blood of Morax.”

“How humans love to spin their stories.” Zhongli chuckled.

But even as he began to speak of jewels and pressure and the minerals that lay deep beneath the earth a bit of him was still preoccupied by the vendor’s easy words and your smiling face.

The next time he ran into you with the vendor the pit in his stomach had only gotten heavier. Standing a little ways away he let the conversation between the two of you flow in and out his ear, frown slipping deeper the more he heard.

“I cannot believe that your stall nearly caught fire on your first day! How unlucky.”

“Even worse that I didn’t know who to try and tell about it. If I had known you were part of the Guild then I would’ve asked you.”

“Well next time there are troubles you can just send a message to the Adventurer’s Guild. We can’t have our citizens being injured on our watch.”

“You sound like true heroes. I wish I could do the sorts of things you did. Your commissions sound fascinating! I would love to see how you go about your day some time.”

“Really it’s nothing, most days it’s quite boring really, just like any other job. Still, it’s nice to know that people have an interest in what we do.”

“Oh certainly! I find what you do very interest– ”

“My dearest one!” Zhongli called out, unable to continue listening to the conversation, feeling somewhat guilty and certainly upset. You turned slightly, smile brightening as you saw your partner.

“Zhongli! So sorry that I didn’t meet you outside your office, I must’ve lost track of the time. Eli here was telling me all about their first days at work.”

“I’m sorry that I got out late. I hope that you did not have to wait awhile.”

“Oh not at all Zhongli, like I said I’ve just been standing here. You don’t need to feel bad at all!”

“I’m glad. Perhaps now we can go?”

Zhongli attempted to smile, but it felt a lot more like a grimace. You stared at him, face the picture of confusion. Taking a step forward you glanced one more time at Eli, shrugging apologetically. Before any more words could be passed between the two of you Zhongli grabbed onto your hand. Walking quite quickly he didn’t let go until the two of you were at your apartment and he could finally breathe again.

“Zhongli, what’s the matter with you?” You asked, closing the apartment door behind you. Walking back towards Zhongli, who stood there silently, you let your hands rest lightly on his shoulders. “You can tell me you know, I can tell you’re unhappy.”

“I have a confession.” Zhongli started, feeling somehow compelled to reveal his thoughts, as if keeping them locked away would only be dangerous.

“Yes?”

“I, I did not like the way that the vendor spoke to you.”

“Eli? But they were perfectly nice.”

“I do not mean that they were rude. They were perfectly cordial. I mean, when the two of you were speaking, I, I felt uncomfortable. It was as if there was a barrier between us in that moment. I, I did not like it.”

“Oh Zhongli.” You breathed out, an indulgent smile on your face.

Reaching up you planted fleeting kisses on the archon’s face, peppering his cheeks and the bridge of his nose, touch featherlight. It was a familiar gesture, one of comfort, one used in darker nights, when shadows dotted the periphery of Zhongli’s vision.

“Zhongli, I assume you know what jealousy is?”

“I know the term and what it means. I admit I am not personally familiar with the concept.”

“Well I am, so let me tell you. What you experienced, that was jealousy, plain and simple. I know it’s very uncomfortable. Jealousy can be such a messy feeling, it sticks everywhere. But it’s also normal. So you don’t need to worry. I promise that nothing will happen, and I promise that these feelings would go away. I also promise that I love you very much, so even if you feel these emotions, you don’t have to worry.”

“How could I ever worry about you?” Zhongli murmured, wrapping his arms around you, basking in your proximity.

The apology only came in the evening, after words and kisses and love had hung long enough in the air to dull the feelings that Zhongli had been carrying around. Now he lay there next to you, chin resting gently on your head, suddenly realizing that he’d most likely acted quite rudely.

“I’m sorry I ignored Eli.”

“I’m sure they’ll understand.” You murmured. “Though I’m not actually sure what got you riled up about them.”

“You are also a bit oblivious dearest one,” Zhongli let out a soft laugh, “it seems they were quite taken with you.”

“Were they?” You asked, tone betraying your surprise. You paused for a moment, as if trying to replay your interactions. “I never noticed. To be honest, I don’t think I could ever notice, not when I have you.”

“Thank you.” Zhongli whispered, oddly overcome by the confession.

As he lay awake, carding gentle fingers through your hair and listening to the even breaths of your sleeping form he pondered just how lucky he was. Precious gems might come from pressure and earth and chance. But you were more precious than all of them. And he’d never forget that.

#genshin impact fanfiction #albedo x reader #diluc x reader #xiao x reader #zhongli x reader #genshin impact #albedo #diluc #xiao #zhongli #scenarios #requested #my writing

[thechekhov]

Hey, I've seen some of your answers to various asks, I feel like your method of explanation is great, you get to the point but still give important details. LI should get to the point too now tho: I have a problem with being consistent in my uploads. I am a major procrastinator. If I set a date for myself, I'll ignore it, if people make me hold accountable for it, I procrastinate drawing the piece and when I do I get super burnt out and even if I do have art, I don't post it for no reason. I feel like posting is such a hard thing to do when when I do it it's really easy, a couple clicks. Have you got any tips for me and people like me (if there are any) to be more consistent?

I'd love to help, but I also feel like the best person to know what you need is - you. I'm merely a silly little stranger on the internet, and I have very few ideas about what makes you tick.

But on that subject - I think finding out what makes you tick is important.

Being somewhat of a functional adult myself, I've realized early on that over half of adulthood is a carrot-and-stick game of careful psychological manipulation and emotional babysitting. Specifically, of you, by you, for you.

I, personally, discovered that deep inside myself is a child who thrives on dramatic reveals and LOVES people's reactions when I unveil my plots. I think this probably stems from having too many attractive villains in my childhood cartoons. Either way, it has now led me to baiting myself with never revealing any of my storyline plots until the very end, because the Big Reveal is what motivates me to keep working. I keep secrets because I know this is what fuels me in being productive.

If you have no idea what any of that means, I recommend reading this post, it might help.

Anyway, what I'm getting at here is - in order to solve your issues with your posting dilemma, I think you inevitably have to do some self-introspection and approach this like a character study. Like you're psychoanalyzing yourself.

You say that there's no reason for your procrastination, but I know there MUST be. Our brain is a complex Rube Goldberg machine, and the cause and effect are often not as simple to determine - but they always exist.

For example, in procrastination, often the issue is not laziness, it's fear. It's the knowledge that whatever we DO produce will inevitably be judged. Posting, specifically, opens us up to that sort of vulnerability. When the art is in our folder, no one can see it, and that threat to our person isn't there - no one will comment on it, no one will message us mean things about it. It's safe.

But as soon as you post it - it's out there. It's open to criticism, and you make pieces of yourself that you put in your art more or less public. Hesitating to do so is natural.

Posting has become such a common part of our lives. Thanks to the internet, we share EVERYTHING about ourselves. Thousands of tidbits of personal information that goes out to thousands of strangers we will never meet. We have been trained to accept it as a part of our reality, but when you think about it, it's terrifying.

Humans did not evolve to be social on such a scale. We did not evolve to be an ant performing for an anthill. We're creatures naturally inclined to deal with much smaller, tightly-knit communities where we can control the things we show to others.

The internet is not our natural habitat.

And maybe... maybe for you, that isn't it. Maybe that's not the root of your procrastination.

But something is. And I think the only way to figure it out is to ask yourself, and listen really hard! It'll be a whisper, but it'll be there. :)

#chekhov answers

[loaffofbred]

SPOILERS FOR WTIT :

Foreshadowing of Logan's Outburst or Snap and Indications of Future Problems

After rewatching some of the Sanders Sides past episodes, it seems very clear that Logan's outburst is fairly unsurprising. But, there may be some other foreshadowing thats taking place other than his outburst, and maybe his future dilemma's maybe indicated as well.

One example i saw is his question in the musical number of the puppet episode, where Patton explains his repression of emotion, and Logan seemingly asking if it worked in some way. And almost seemingly shocked by Patton's answer.

It almost seems like he was trying to find the answer to his own problem. He's repeated before that he has NO feelings or emotions, and that he has no care of sentiments. He's in denial of his emotions and Patton's situation seem to fascinate him because he seems to have the same problem. Almost like the more he ignores his emotions, the more he believes they disappear altogether, like what Patton said. The answer seemed to shocked him either because of Patton learning and applying the lesson he learned, or because he had a similar problem and shocked by an unexpected answer. This feels like a foreshadow to Logan's problem, and this is not the only example of that. All instances of Logan denying his emotions are just further evidence that thats his problem. His acceptance of his emotions. This is me not doing too much research here, so bear with me if theres a way to debunk it.

Of course this isnt a surprise to some, but this is a foreshadow to his outburst. The further you fill this jar of emotions, the closer it is to bursting into a field of emotions and outbursts. I think maybe the future episode might tackle that problem. Denial is a form of deception, you cant have deception WITHOUT denial in some capacity. You can tell that Janus in some way knows Logan's dilemma, he is deceit after all, he knows that Logan has a tendency to deny his own emotions. Even the other sides seem to know this as well. Logan always clarifies he has no emotions and this further feeds deceit.

Janus and Remus' push comes to shove

This can also explain why Janus and Remus push Logan to a different level than all the other sides. An example of this is the newest asides video(WTIT) and both SvS and SvS redux. Why are there methods of pushing Logan away different from the other sides? Well, lets first see how the other sides do this. First, the other sides never do this intentionally or in a malicious way. They explain Logan why his point of view doesnt particularly matter, and that their argument is more feasible. They dont FORCE Logan aside, they just dont put the effort to listen and comprehend his input. Example of this is the end card of WTIT, Patton choosing to ignore Logan's input on SvS Redux, and Thomas, Patton, and Roman almost ignoring and nonchalantly putting aside his wants in the Moving On episode. They dont force Logan away, they just dont give value to his input enough for him to feel worthy.

Remus and Janus' way is through FORCE. Theyre upfront and malicious with their tactics. Remus blatantly targeting Logan specifically on the introductory episode of him. Janus disguising himself, two times, as Logan to remove him from the equation. They both force Logan down, to try and bring themselves up. I dont particularly know why theyre pushing Logan to his limits. Either an entry for the Orange side?

But this is whats weird. Janus is responsible to who or which side can be seen. Hes responsible on who is hidden away from Thomas, and who isnt. Thats why in Remus' song mentions this;

Recently a snake offered me a morsel from the tree of knowledge

He said "you're wanting to be more honest

And be direct dealing with your issues

No longer will you deceive yourself about the ugliness within you"

(a certain thing i suddenly realize is that the 'tree of knowledge' is referenced in WTIT. The last end shot where it pans to Logan and the roots of the tree to Janus. Just a small thing i realized :) )

So why does the orange side need 'influence'? Yes, Thomas has a say on what he wants to see and what he doesnt, but what about Remus? In a way its far more fitting for him to just barge in rather than have permission to show up. But if we were to assume Orange as rage or a form of it, why does he NEED influence (assuming he does) to truly be seen? A question that im hoping will get answered in future episodes.

Janus' power and deniability

Janus has more power than we think. He can shut the sides up about a certain side in order for Thomas to be unaware. So maybe, in the end card, Janus is hinting for the Orange Side to finally being seen because of his help. His power stems from something but what?

Have you noticed something in common with all of the dark sides introductory episodes? They all speak about DENIAL. Denial of Thomas' capacity to deceit and the denial of imagination having an 'evil form' of it. His denial is what keeps the dark sides at bay, and what keeps him from knowing about the other sides. I think thats the main reason why Janus has the power to show Thomas the other sides, because denial is a form of deceit, and Janus has power over that.

And who else has a BIG problem with deniability? Logan. Logan denies that his emotions even exist in the first place. One example of denial being a big part is this line that really stuck with me,

No longer will you deceive yourself about the ugliness within you

Janus is speaking to Remus yes, but this also resonates with Logan and Thomas. 'Deceiving yourself' is lying to yourself, denying the existence of bad within you. Remus KNOWS that Logan is lying to himself, because it seems like Remus had the same experience with how Janus told this to him specifically. He knows Logan's problems and the whole "Now youre speakin' my language" makes even more sense. He saw Logans truth. His ugliness within him.

Another line also stuck with me is this;

Why deny yourself knowledge

Say knowledge of yourself?

You don't need to feel ashamed with your dear old Duke

You need not feign decency

This also seems so targeted to Logan. He feigns that he has no emotions therefore has no flawed and hurtful emotions that can target Thomas. He feigns decency. Also! 'Why deny yourself knowledge, say knowledge of yourself?' seems to resonate with Logan as well. Im not saying these lyrics are TARGETED SPECIFICALLY towards Logan, but resonate instead.

Logan's deniability of emotions

Think about it, denial is the reason why dark sides are hidden. And Logan denies his emotions. Connect the dots and its understandable why some people believe Logan to be either hiding something about the Orange side, or him being the Orange side in general.

Few mentions

Another targeted insult (while not surprising coming from Remus) also acknowledges Logan's problem,

He knows his problems, and this is where Logan denies this entirely

Which seems like a lie to me, but nonetheless

Remus pushes the take that he has an effect on Logan

Logan also denying this entirely

Even though, that is the exact OPPOSITE of what happened to him with Remus on the latest sanders asides.

TLDR; Logans denial of his emotions is a big problem that may be addressed in future episodes. Denial is a big part of the dark sides anonymity and Thomas' deniability is the very reason for hidden dark sides.

Both Remus and Janus push Logan for either an entry way for Orange, but still skeptical because of Janus having the power to make dark sides be seen based on his control of deniability, so why put the effort?

Logan's connection to denial maybe a more reason why he seems to be the only side that explicitly shows anger to the point of physical pain towards others or other outbursts. Deniability and the dark sides having a connection seems to further push the theory of Logan showing his true colors or self. Of course that theory has many flaws in of itself, i think Logan's denial has a big part as to why he showed orange eyes

Remus affects Logan in quite different ways compared to Virgil and Patton

anyways, this has been long enough, i hope this was understandable, and as always

THIS IS ALL THEORIES,

do not take them as truth or fact, but rather speculation

anyway, peacee

#sanders sides #sanders sides theory #orange side #ts logan #ts remus #ts janus #ts orange side #thomas sanders #ts spoilers

[onlyherefortheshowmances]

So I saw someone else get an anon message that said: “I hate to admit this, but I really can't shake the feeling that Benji loves Victor more than Victor loves Benji at this point.” I wanted to respond as well, because I think this is something people are probably seeing a lot and I really want to explain how I’m looking at it (from personal experience and just from looking at and examining the characters).

CW/TW: Mental Health, suicidal ideation/action mention, Addiction, Emotional Trauma, sex mention, Predatory relationship mention, catholicism, homophobia, misunderstandings, lack of communication, spoilers for love victor seasons 1 & 2 [let me know if I missed anything please]

I want to be frank in saying that Benji is my favorite character and I project onto him a lot (along with seeing a lot of myself in him). I’m also white AF, so I’m sure some of you think that’s relevant, but I really don’t think it is in this particular case. I do also however identify with Victor in a number of ways and I am trying to see the characters both as complex individuals with deep personal histories. Both have suffered traumas and both are clearly dealing with a lot of their own shit on top of being sixteen/seventeen and dealing with junior year of high school and all the pressures and expectations that brings for everyone.

I think what people are interpreting at loving someone more/less is actually about prioritizing someone/a relationship more/less. In my mind, from what I see on screen and interpret, they both love each other beyond words. They are both very much in love with one another. It comes down to how they display that to each other and to the public as well as where on their list of priorities this relationship falls.

Let’s start with Victor, struggles and life:

He is dealing with internalized homophobia and associated thought-patterns stemming from his upbringing in the Catholic church as well from the vocalized homophobic remarks from his mother (toward himself and Benji as well as likely at other points in his life toward strangers), his father (stating that he hopes Adrian doesn’t turn out ‘like that’; the scene in S1 where they’re at the church in Texas and he calls the hairdresser ‘flojito’; etc.), and his grandparents (on his birthday and likely at other points in his life). As a result of this, Victor tried to make himself straight (or at least interested in a girl) by dating Mia because he did like her as a person and everyone was telling him that’s what he was supposed to do. He ended up hurting her and almost losing her friendship (temporarily, he did, but she does seem to have forgiven him now).

He is dealing with outside homophobia as well. That kid on the very first day he was Creekwood responding to Benji helping him up. Felix’s comment that same day of ‘you don’t want to give people the wrong idea.’ The basketball team/gym class guys roasting him about not hooking up with Mia on the ferris wheel. Felix saying he’d be crazy to not like Mia. Lake asking ‘are you gay or something’ when he brought Felix along to Mia’s house, etc., etc. Some of these things may seem innocent enough, but they weren’t. Not to Victor who was already struggling to accept even the possibility that he might be gay. Once he managed to come out to his parents, obviously his father got better fairly quickly, but Isabel continued to struggle for six months which put even more pressure on Victor to try to lead this double life. Once he came out at school, the whole fiasco with the basketball team also occurred and that was a lot for him, because Basketball as always his safe-space. It’s where he went to get away from all the other pressure. It was something he didn’t have to think about and now suddenly, he did. Those pressure are also affecting his ability to think about what he may want and it seems affecting his ability to think (at all sometimes) about how any of that is also affecting Benji. It’s affecting him so much that he’s basically blind to how it’s also affecting Benji to see him suffer. He doesn’t even consider that possibility until Felix brings up how hard it is for him the night Felix breaks up with Lake and Venji get caught having sex.

Victor also has struggles away from just his coming out and accepting himself journey. He has the struggles associated with his parents separation. Until fairly recently, Victor always thought his parents had a perfect relationship. He saw that as the ideal. Get together in High School, get married right away, stay together for ever, happily ever after. That’s what he was raised to expect. And now he’s seeing their relationship fall apart before his eyes. Hell, his devoutly Catholic mother had an affair, and he’s wondering if it’s really possible for your first love to be your only love especially after he and Benji start butting heads, so he’s already vulnerable to that viewpoint when Rahim brings up the possibility. He gets so lost in what’s happening to his parents and what Rahim is saying about it not usually working out that he forgets how in love he is and he sort of loses his will to fight for what he wants, because maybe it’s just doomed to fail anyway (until he sees Benji at the wedding and it sort of hits again - and then Felix’s speech thereafter, obviously). He kind of loses his way by getting caught up in the statistic improbability of your first love being the one and watching his parents’ marriage potentially fall apart and he wonders for a moment if it might be easier, if it might be better to just walk away and go toward Rahim who he seem to get along with and seems to understand the things Benji doesn’t about him, but what he fails to examine in that moment is that he’s only barely scratched the surface with Rahim and that Rahim doesn’t know him like Benji does and that every relationship has it’s ups and downs and what it always comes down to is how willing both parties are to work to make things right. How much you’re willing to step into the other person’s shoes and try to understand. In my opinion, even if he were to walk away from Benji and go to Rahim, that bubble of understanding isn’t going to last forever either. He’s failing to remember that when he got together with Benji (and for most of the summer it seems) that’s exactly what it was like and failing to remember that they have grown beyond that into a deep soul-altering love for one another that deserves his time, energy, and effort and NEEDS those things to keep it going.

Now let’s talk about Victor’s priorities in life:

Victor has always been close with his family, especially his mother. The strain on that relationship is very taxing on his mental well-being. He has a hard time ‘standing up to’ her or talking back to her, etc. because he loves her and he just wants their easy, close relationship back. He already overcame his own anger at her affair to get her back, but now she’s the one pulling away because of his sexuality and it’s hurting him because if he was able to forgive her for something that was actually wrong, why can’t she forgive him for something that he has no control over. So he loves his mother and his family and he hates disappointing them. He has spent most of his life fixing his family’s issues (as he explains to Simon in S1), but now he is the issue and he doesn’t know how to handle it. When in 2x1 he decides to just bring Benji over and try exposure therapy with his mom, it backfires in a big way. Even though they barely touch each other. Even though Benji just says the word boyfriend once, it’s too much for Isabel and Victor desperately wants to please. He desperately wants to not lose his mother (who has always been the person he is closest to), so that causes him to take a step back from going against her and the steps he still takes (telling her he wants her to call Benji his boyfriend not just his friend, the whole conversation outside the church, the conversation with Adrian, etc.) are things that Benji doesn’t get to see happening and it frustrated Victor that Benji won’t even listen to him when he tries to say that his mom is making progress at all, because she is so important to him and yet it seems like Benji just doesn’t even recognize or care about that. This leads him to say the thing he does at Brasstown before Benji runs out, because he assumes that it has to do with Benji being white and of course, that is part of it, but I think Victor in that moment is so overwhelmed by the rejection of his mother and now the refusal of his boyfriend to even try to understand that he snaps. He forgets all the struggles Benji has told him from his own past and he just lashes out which causes Benji to leave [more on Benji’s viewpoint of this whole thing later].

Victor also loves basketball. It’s true that in some case LGBTQIA+ individual participate in certain activities to make them seem more ‘normal’. Gay men participating in sports to seem more macho is a common one, so Benji thinking that’s why Victor plays basketball makes sense to an extend, but he never bothers to ask Victor about, only makes assumptions, and Victor feels like the fact that he actually likes sports makes him ‘not gay enough’ (see conversation with Andrew). What he’s forgetting entirely is his encounter with Bram and the gay basketball league in NYC from episode 1x8. There are many ways to be gay, and sports gays do exist and are perfectly valid. That’s not the type of gay Benji or his friends/bandmates are, but it is the type that Victor is and Benji failing to recognize that and failing to understand or even ask Victor about that drives one of many wrenches into their relationship. In episode 1x5 when Benji shows up to Victor’s first game back on the team and does the Go Grizzlies dance with the other basketball girlfriends, it definitely does a lot of help Victor realize this was just a miscommunication/misunderstanding rather than anything malicious. Basketball and his teammates continue to be a priority for him after this, but that seems to be something Benji is now capable of understanding.

Finally, Victor loves Benji. He wants to be with Benji; there is zero doubt about that. However, for Victor when he’s put on the spot (as in episode 2x8) and basically told he has to choose his mom (who has raised him and been his closest confidant and biggest supporter for his entire life) or his boyfriend (who he’s known for almost a year and been dating for six months and is helplessly in love with) it processes as an error message in his brain. He just wants everyone to get along. He’s not mad that Adrian knows that he’s gay (he’s wanted him to know for months), but he is upset that his mom is now even angrier. [see my section about Benji in this moment, for more about Isabel’s reactions as well] In his mind, telling Adrian could wait. In his mind, he was willing to go along with his mom’s requests for a while longer just to keep the peace so to speak. He didn’t want his whole life to fall apart and that’s what he thought was about to happen in that moment. That’s why he asked Benji to leave. He didn’t want to make his mom any angrier. Could he have chosen his words better? Yes. Could he have made Benji understand better? Yes. But he’s sixteen and his brain wasn’t functioning at full capacity because post-sex brain is definitely a thing and he was also looking at his mom who has already been horrible and barely able to look at him for six months, looking even angrier after he finally thought they’d made some progress after church the previous week.

So in conclusion, regarding Victor:

He loves his family (especially his mom). He loves Benji. He loves Basketball. Obviously, he’s not going to prioritize basketball over either of the human beings involved, but I think it’s important to at least note it’s importance in his life. As for Isabel vs. Benji. To Victor, these are the two most important people in his life. All he wants is to be able to love both of them and have both of them love him in return. When they are pit against each other, especially directly, it’s hard for him to make a choice. It’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to his mom and it’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to Benji, but in the moment (episode 2x8 specifically), he takes Isabel’s side, because he knows the ramifications of saying no to her and of making her even more angry that she already is are far worse than the ones for asking Benji to leave for the night. He failed to realize however, how close Benji already was to the edge and how upset he was going to be and how little he understood (or was willing to try to understand) about the situation. This is something he really needs to communicate with Benji (even though it’s not quite as important now that Isabel’s apparently come around). I think it’s important for Benji to understand that Victor values his relationship with his mother enough that it’s difficult for him to go against her without a lot of preparation and having a fully fledged reason, etc.

Now for Benji - Struggles and Life:

The obvious of course is that Benji is a sixteen/seventeen year old that’s barely a year sober and attending AA meetings regularly. Recovering from Alcoholism is difficult at any age let alone for a teenager. One of the most important factors in recovery is looking at the things that led you to drink in the first place. Looking at things that may be considered triggers and either learning to avoid those people/situations or learning healthy alternatives in those situations. I have multiple family members who are both actively drinking alcoholics as well as those in recovery. I also lost my best friend/ex-fiancé to alcoholism a few years ago, so to say I have some personal experience in this arena is putting it lightly. Benji admits to Victor in 1x7 that he used to drink a lot because he knew he was gay, but didn’t want to be. To me that whole story screamed, I’m an alcoholic and while a lot of others agreed with that opinion. I was not shocked that Victor didn’t understand that underlying truth. Those that don’t have intimate familiarity with alcoholism often do not recognize the signs (either as they happen when when they are not directly told). It is made clear in episodes 2x7 & 2x8 that Benji hates this part of himself, in fact he says as much to Victor when he arrives at his apartment late the night of his birthday. Benji has still not fully accepted that the alcoholic part of himself that attends AA meetings and drinks orange juice while his friends are drinking vodka is one and the same with the part of himself that loves Victor with all his heart. This is something I’d really like to see him reconcile and work on in season 3 and beyond. Understand that you can’t compartmentalize yourself. You are but one whole person and all facets of yourself are in fact part of the singular you. [Not accounting for those with dissociative identity disorder.] It’s not directly mentioned if he’s still struggling with urges to drink, but most if not all alcoholics do, especially when experiencing those aforementioned triggers. Seeing Benji meeting with his sponsor after the incident with Isabel/Victor is not shocking to me and if anything, that was the healthy and correct response on his part. The reason he was drinking in the first place was that he was gay and didn’t want to be (internalized and probably external homophobia) and he just experience some really intense homophobia at the hands of his boyfriend’s mom (and partially said boyfriend himself). Benji’s lack of understanding of where Isabel was coming from in episode 1x8 speaks volumes to just how traumatize Benji still is about his own experiences with homophobia. The only thing he can think about in that moment is that this woman hates me for being gay. She hates her son for being gay. Being gay isn’t okay, etc. What he doesn’t factor in is that Isabel is also devoutly Catholic. I honestly don’t think it’s the gay part of the sex that horrified her the most. The Catholic faith is also very clear on the practice of abstinence from sex (at all) prior to marriage. She would’ve responded the same way had she walked in on Victor having sex with a girl, in my opinion, but in the moment Benji’s own trauma is overriding his ability to understand that because all he can see is the homophobia. This is especially true after she calls him Victor’s friend rather than his boyfriend and that in my opinion, is why he snaps. Could he have phrased it better? Yes. Could he have said it without shouting? Yes. But he is a freshly seventeen-year-old whose brain is not functioning on all cylinders in that moment.

Sort of coupled with his alcoholism and recovery therefrom is the allusion his mother makes to ‘dark times’ following his accident. I do have suspicions that perhaps he was also struggling with mental illness, and likely continues to. Depression to the point of suicidal ideation or actions (possibly only in the form of drinking, but possibly in other forms as well). Anxiety is pretty obvious from his actions and reactions throughout the series as well. I also think he is dealing with some sort of trauma-based disorder stemming from the homophobia he experienced (especially the instance of his father taking him to strip-club). It may go as far as C-PTSD (which I myself am diagnosed with) or it maybe something less (or even more). I’m not in the habit of sticking mental health diagnoses of people (fictional or otherwise though). Dealing with these things on top of what in his eyes feels like rejection from not only Isabel, but in a way from Victor as well likely causes some very unpleasant thought patterns and the potential for thought spirals and the likely. I also see indications that he could suffer from co-dependency (whish I also have dealt with in the past), but I’m honestly not sure if that’s me projecting or if it’s actually there.

Then on top of all of that, his boyfriend who he loves more than anything in the world, tells his deepest darkest secret to someone he’s literally never met or spoken to and that said boyfriend has only known for maybe a week at best and thinks it’s no big deal. In that moment, I can 110% see why Benji requests to take a break and I feel that choice is 110% the right one to make. What is a relationship built on if not trust? Victor just destroyed most if not all of the trust Benji had in him. That doesn’t mean he stopped loving him, just that he doesn’t trust him. Love isn’t something you can turn off and on like a light switch especially not the kind these two share. I definitely think Victor has a lot of explaining to do and a lot of apologies to make. I do also think they both need to have a really long, really honest and open conversation. Benji needs to be willing to get a little vulnerable and explain why certain things are causing him so much distress, but he also needs to be willing to listen to Victor explain why he can’t simply go against his mother as Benji seems to think he should. They both really demonstrated a degree of selfishness this season along with an lack of communication and a lack of willingness to understand or even try to understand each other’s points of view and that is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.

There also exists the issue of Benji’s parents. His mother especially seems to overstep quite frequently and insert herself into his life where she was not invited or expected. I do wonder if this was always her personality or if this is something that started after Benji’s accident. I have a hunch it was likely the latter. I see indications that perhaps there was some neglect or just general indifference on his parents part as he was growing up. They clearly missed that he had started drinking heavily and that he stole his dad’s car that night. He was also evidently dating Derek for quite a while before the accident. (Derek is another section by himself though.) This not to mention the fact that his father took him to a strip club and paid for a lap dance when he was no more than sixteen if he was even that old, in an effort to turn him straight. Benji tells Victor in episode 1x7 that he and his dad used to be close and that they used to go to Dollywood on road trips and other such things, but that he’s been distant since he came out. We see from the scene where he walks in on Benji and Victor making out that he’s not vocally/outwardly homophobic, but I would not doubt that he still harbors some of those viewpoints in himself. It’s evident to me that Benji is not close to his parents (he may once have been, but at this point it’s pretty clear that he’s not anymore). Benji doesn’t have siblings to the best of our knowledge. It’s also mentioned that his nana (like a paternal grandmother) is deceased, so it’s really not clear how much contact he even has with his extended family or how much of one exists. For these reasons, in his mind, there is no circumstance where his family (especially not his parents) would take precedence of his own happiness or Victor’s. That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him that Victor doesn’t stand up to Isabel, because if the roles were reversed, he would have no problem at all telling his own mother (or father) off. He doesn’t seem to comprehend Victor’s need to keep his relationship with his mother intact. I’m very glad Isabel pointed out to him that Victor has stood up to her and risked their relationship for him, but the disconnect still lies in that Benji isn’t a fan of the fact that he didn't’ do that in his presence and that he didn’t do more.

Then there’s Derek. Derek is at least a sophomore in college in season 2 as he was clearly in college in season 1 as well. Meaning he is at least 19/20 when Benji is 16/17. They had been together for a year the previous spring (episode 1x6) which means they started dating when Benji was 15 and Derek was no younger than 18 (I think he is like at least a year older than the youngest possibility). Georgia’s age of consent is 16, and there are no ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in place in the state meaning it is categorically illegal for anyone 18 years of age or older to engage in sexual acts with anyone 15 years of age or younger unless they are legally wed, meaning until Benji’s 16th birthday, this relationship was illegal in general not to mention the predatory nature of someone in college dating a high school sophomore to begin with. They generally don’t prosecute if the people involved are within 4 years of each other though (which coincides with ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in other states) which they could’ve been within depending on Derek’s actual age and birthday. It doesn’t seem like charges were filed either way which is questionable on Benji’s parents part. Benji also tells Victor in 1x10 that Derek made him feel bad a lot of the time about the things he like and about being a romantic, we also see Derek crap all over Benji’s special anniversary date in 1x6. The toxicity of that relationship is sure to have left it’s mark on Benji and carried over into his new relationship with Victor. I also find it questionable that knowing that, Benji was shitting all over Victor’s love for basketball at one point (isn’t that exactly what he complained about Derek doing to him about his interests?), though as you see in my earlier comments, I do understand that perhaps Benji wasn't’ fully aware that Victor actually liked basketball and wasn’t just doing it to seem straight/make his dad happy/etc. I also think it’s quite confusing that Victor managed to come up with that date idea for Benji in 1x6 and then the best he could do for Benji’s birthday was champagne and sex? I’d be more than marginally hurt over that if I was Benji, to be completely fair. It is also worth it to note that Benji stayed with Derek for over a year despite all of their problems (which goes back to the possibility of co-dependency issues) and yet he was willing to break up with him just to chase after the possibility of Victor. They had already connected on so many levels even prior to that night that even the possibility of that relationship made Benji willing to leave someone he’d been with for more than a year (obviously Victor’s little speech in the hallway played a part in that).

Benji’s Priorities:

In Benji’s world, he has a few things that could be considered priorities.

Maintaining his sobriety is obviously one, but he keeps that separate from everything else. I don’t see it being held above or below anyone or anything. It’s just a completely separate thing to him (which again I feel he needs to reconcile). He was able to do that while also appeasing his friends and Victor (see episode 2x4 where he switches out his cups).

His music/band is obviously a priority, but again that’s something basic that everyone knows about and accepts. He doesn’t have choose between that and anything or anyone else that we’re shown.

Victor is his primary priority however. To him, that is the most important relationship/person in his life. He doesn’t know what he’d do without him. He says he loves that part of his life which I take to mean, he loves who he is when they’re together and not so much when they’re apart. To him, there is no question of who he would choose if there was a choice in front of him between Victor and literally anyone else (including his parents). That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him when the choice isn’t so simple for Victor when he actually has to make one between Benji and Isabel. Benji isn’t close with his parents and he doesn’t seem to understand what it is like for someone that is. Even if his parents didn’t come around right away. Even if they still may not be fully on board with everything, it didn't’ matter that much to him, because he could stand up to them because he didn’t care about destroying a relationship, because there already wasn’t much of one to begin with. This leads to him not understanding that Victor is seriously conflicted in the moments where he is made to choose between his boyfriend and his mother, because to Benji that choice is crystal clear. Again, they could really do with an honest conversation about this where Benji actually listens and tries to understand where Victor’s coming from, because right now, I think he just doesn’t quite get it. It’s clear that Isabel’s speech at Brasstown helped him to understand or at least start to, and obviously now that Isabel isn’t so much of an obstacle everything becomes a little easier, but it is still something that I really feel they need to discuss and understand about each other.

In conclusion:

Both of these boys need therapy (individual, family, and couples), and they would really benefit from a lot more open and honest communication where they both are able to speak honestly about their needs and desires as well as both being able to listen to and understand (or try to at least) one another.

#long post #this is so fucking long #text wall #i'm sorry #venji #love victor #victor salazar #benji campbell #mental health #addicition #alcohol #alcoholism #trauma #emotional trauma #homophobia #age of consent #predatory relationships #catholicism #family relationships #neglectful parents #let me know if you want me to tag anything else in this please #suicide

[masterhandss]

Forbidden fruit ask time: Keith x Katarina. I know people in western fandom are understandably wary of this ship, but apparently it's one of the favourites for the Japanese audience and based on what I heard it actually has some decent foundation in novels (not as much as GeoKata, but still). Since you read novels and are #1 hamefura blog on Tumblr and know so much I wanted to ask you to tell us how KeiKata is doing in novels if it's okay owo??

owo!! lmao, I don't know about being the "#1 hamefura blog on tumblr" (I-I... I thought I was an art blog... :')) I mean I just like to ramble about hamefura lmao but I'm always happy to answer questions!

Yeah... Keith x Katarina is a hard subject to talk about considering how violent reactions can be depending on who you're talking to. I remember when Season 1 was airing, people really doesn't like Keith as a romantic option for Katarina due to them being siblings, and I'm honestly waiting for those people to react to the S2 OP and S2 in general. I've talked to a few people who don't like KeiKata at all, and they have the absolute right to dislike any ship that they want, but it did make me sad to know how much Keith is hated by the EN Fandom considering how loved he is in the JP Fandom. He's pretty much the most favorite male character and the second most shipped with Katarina.

-> hamefura x(s2) & ln spoilers ahead <-

A lot of people's issues with Keith stems from the fact that he and Katarina are step-sibling and that it's really weird for Keith to be romantically interested in Katarina (a person who sees him as a little brother completely). People are accusing him of taking advantage of Katarina's trust in him to keep her to himself and that pursuing her romantically would destroy the familial bond that they've had for years. The thing is that Keith treasures Katarina as a person, not as a sibling. Yes, Keith sees her as family, but he also sees her as more than family. To him, being able to be together with Katarina doesn't mean that he'll have to love her differently, but that he will be able to love her even more deeply and honestly. You can even headcanon that the reason Keith calls Katarina "big sister" is because he's asked to do so, and because it's a symbol of his acceptance into the family, but maybe not necessarily how he sees her.

Some of the material that will be covered in Season 2 is about Keith, so I don't know how much I want to talk about that since most fans will be able to see it themselves. Keith has it the hardest because his position makes it so that he's the least likely to get his feelings across to Katarina due to their relationship. In one of the upcoming arcs in the anime, Keith will be able to break Katarina's baka shield in the same way Geordo does: by using actions instead of words, and by just literally finding the courage to take the risk and tell her.

That's where one of the interesting things about hamefura comes into play: one of the reasons why people dislike KeiKata so much is that they feel like the reveal of Keith's feelings would awaken disgust and betrayal in Katarina. Few fanfics of hamefura portray it that way, that Katarina would be weirded out by his feelings and reject them immediately. Maybe it's because Katarina is aware of Keith as not only a sibling, but also as a romance-able character in an otome game (also because of the nature of this series lmao), that in canon, she doesn't take his confession negatively and is flushed/embarrassed by it just like Geordo's confession. I know the "weirded out" reaction is the most realistic, but maybe Katarina also understands that their relationship doesn't have a clear label. They care for each other very much and whether that bond is romantic, familial or friendship isn't something they bothered to really name, maybe? Lmao I don't know, that last bit is just speculation on my part, I can't exactly get into Katarina's head and pinpoint what she thought of Keith's confession.

If I'm being honest, she forgets about Keith's confession more often than she does Geordo, mostly because nothing really changed after he made his feelings clear. I wouldn't say that she dismissed it, it's just that she's forgetting it because in her perspective being loved as a woman and as family by Keith both means that he'll take care of her and shower her with attention (aka no difference).

When I think about how "KeiKata is doing in the novels", for some reason the first thing that comes to my mind is the line "how they treated Geordo in the anime, from a JP perspective". I know that sounds confusing, but what I mean is that a lot of Arc 2 - FL2 scenes with KeiKata is kinda fanservice (aka the thing they tried to do for Geordo in the anime which worked for JP fans but made him hated by the EN fans) (not me trying to insert Geordo in a post about Keith hehe :V). Excluding all the Keith scenes that are coming in Season 2 of the anime and the current arc of the manga, the story really likes to test Keith's self-control when it comes to seeing Katarina as a woman.

Keith's scenes with Katarina aren't necessarily "hot and spicy" by any means, but people nowadays tend to be quite bothered and annoyed at typical japanese romance tropes being played out in modern anime series (such as bed-pining, surprised kisses and kabedons). I mean yeah I'd be bothered too if someone pulled those moves on me in real life, but for the japanese audience this is what their fanservice is like so that's the kind of stuff we'll see in hamefura. Just like Geordo, Keith is given a few scenes where he's put in a romantic spot with Katarina after he confessed, but it always just ends with him backing out and hoping that it at least could remind Katarina of how he sees her (like bed-pinning in LN6 & affectionate touches from Katarina in LN8). A lot of hate towards Keith stems from these scenes because people sees this as a disrespect towards Katarina and the familial relationship they have. These scenes helps reinforce how Keith sees Katarina as a woman and not as a sister, but depending on who you're siding with, you're either gonna be disgusted at Keith or extremely pissed off at Katarina's lack of propriety & density.

Like, people are getting angry at Keith for being a teenage boy who is being bothered by affectionate touches from the girl he likes who is also always approaching him with only a nightgown? I mean blame the author or Keith all you want but at least put some responsibility on Katarina as well :V People are really saying "well, he shouldn't be bot and bothered by it in the first place, they are siblings! that's disgusting!" well again, Keith sees her as a woman and Katarina needs to be aware that she shouldn't be so touchy with the opposite sex regardless if it's family. Keith kinda blames Katarina for the way he feels given how she acts around him despite being unaware of his feelings, which is also the cause of some hatred towards Keith.

People are saying that Keith is dumping *all* the responsibility onto Katarina because she acts in such an affectionate way towards him, but in reality Keith feels really bad & also hates himself for being so attracted to her when she doesn't even know about his feelings. He puts a lot of blame onto himself and thinks he's just as bad as Geordo sometimes (not saying Geordo is bad, more like Keith's "idea of Geordo" being bad lmao). Keith always walks on eggshells around Katarina because he doesn't want to disrespect how he feels about her and how she feels about him. It's just sad to see people hate him for the few moments where his self-control breaks so that he can act on his honest emotion, and accuse him of abusing Katarina's trust :((

Just like Geordo, Keith has made it clear how he feels and strongly desires to pursue her romantically, but his problem of being the step-sibling is still there. I haven't gotten my own copy of JP Volume 10 yet, I feel like I just wanna wait for the EN version instead of using GT, but multiple spoilers have noted that while Keith hasn't made progress in getting approval of his feelings from Katarina's side, he's at least able to get an approval from his family. Well, by that I mean Keith has already confessed his romantic feelings about Katarina to their father Luigi, and he replied by saying that he approves of whoever Katarina chooses for herself. Keith realizes that all he needs to do is get Katarina to return his feelings. When he does, his family wont hate him, but instead he'll be able to love them and be loved in the same, yet different way.

TLDR; a lot has happened to Keith throughout the light novels. He's progressing slowly and steadily just like Geordo, and is leagues ahead compared to the other characters. He has confessed his feelings and got reassurance of his relationship with his parents. Keith and Katarina's relationship itself hasn't really changed though, but it's nice to know that Keith is at least laying the foundations for his hypothetical future with her. Katarina doesn't really think about Keith enough to be able to tell how she feels about his confession or if her opinion on him has changed at all though, so take that as either an L or a W for Keith.

Thank you for the ask! I'm sorry if this isn't as elaborate as you wanted, anon. I like Keith and Katarina but I guess it's because they aren't my bias that I don't pay too much attention to the tiny details of how Keith is written in the books qwq

#mh ask #hamefura #my next life as a villainess #keith claes #katarina claes #keikata #bakarina #destruction flag otome #this could be longer tbh #might edit it when I wake up in the morning

[baphomets-hairy-bonkhonagahoogs]

Okay instead of Portal 2’s humor I’m going to talk about Wheatley next instead. Because I have more fully formed thoughts about this than I do the large, nebulous, and intimidating topic that is “Portal 2’s comedy”.

So, Wheatley. An incredible voice performance, a likeable enough character who (to me at least) has a pretty logical progression from Friend to Foe. But, the more I think about him the more he irks me. Not just from a “I don’t care for him as a person/character” perspective, but from a meta writing perspective as well.

It is a major part of the story that Wheatley was literaly designed to be a moron. To be stupid. To fill GLaDOS’ head with time wasting thoughts and ideas. He is described as a tumor. However, Wheatley isn’t really that stupid at all.

Wheatley is often unobservant, takes a long time to think, and accidentally bumbles into trouble, sure. When GLaDOS calls him out by pointing out that Chell did all the work to install Wheatley into the big powerful position over Aperture, I largely agree with her. But while Chell did do all the heavy lifting and many times came up with better solutions to achieving their shared goals, Wheatley did do a good amount of guiding and planning. He made it a goal to take out GLaDOS’ turrets and neurotoxin and then he executed that plan with Chell’s help. Chell very likely would have come to the same idea herself of course but it was Wheatley who ended up proposing it. Wheatley also helped to direct Chell around Aperture. Again, Chell would have been able to find her way around by herself but Wheatley did bring that knowledge set to the table. I believe that it would have been extraordinarily more difficult for Chell if Wheatley wasn’t around to help out in the first half of the game.

He isn’t uselessly stupid. In fact he proves himself to be resourceful and clever sometimes as well! He plants the explosive trap at the stalemate button because he saw it bite GLaDOS in the ass, he got rid of (almost) everything that could have hosted a portal on it, he gave himself multiple blast sheilds because that also bit GLaDOS in the ass.

Wheatley doesn’t feel stupid to me. Often his downfall is his insecurities or luck being against him (such as the moon becoming visible for Chell to shoot at) rather than being too stupid. Which brings me to my main point. Wheatley isn’t a stupidity core but rather an ADHD core that comes free with the insecurities that often follow ADHD people around.

I myself have ADHD, and ADHD is different for everyone. I want to make that clear. I can only speak from my own perspective on the matter. But, I find myself often relating to Wheatley.

We both have hyperactive minds that spew out thoughts before we can process if they make much sense or not. We both get easily distracted and ramble in a train of consciousness style. For an example of this look towards Wheatley telling Chell about the robot myths and stories about Aperture and its history while they both navigate behind the scenes in the first half of the story. We both think up obtuse, unconventional (yet creative) solutions to problems that are at times unnecessarily and often inefficient. For an example, see Wheatley’s frankenturrets or all the ways he tries to chase the high of the euphoria of testing. I often feel stupid or like “a moron” myself when I’m forced to work within a structure built for neurotypicals and inevitably fall behind. Remember earlier when I said that Wheatley is more often defeated by his insecurities than his supposed lack of intelligence? Well that insecurity stems from his own frustration at himself or ridicule from others when he can’t succeed at what is expected of him by himself or others (GLaDOS mainly). This is painfully relatable. His rejection sensitivity is delt with my lashing out and trying to maintain a level of control over the facility (not a very healthy way to deal with it, but it’s definitely more interesting for the story’s sake). When his intelligence is insulted he takes it very hard, I’d guess seeing it as a form of rejection, and overcompensates with classical music and “reading” Machiavelli. I’m sure there’s more I’m forgetting as I write this, but I hope I’ve got my point across.

Wheatley isn’t stupid, he just has ADHD symptoms. And often times people with ADHD are read as stupid, and ADHD traits are assigned to characters who are supposed to be stupid. I’d hope that it is obvious why this is problematic. And the issue isn’t exclusive to Portal 2 by any means. For example, Andy Dwyer from Parks and Rec probably just has ADHD with a big does of impulsivity.

Does all this make me hate Wheatley as a character? No actually. This is a systemic problem that I feel as though many creatives don’t even realize what they’re doing as they do it. I believe it’s ignorance in good faith over malice in bad faith. Is it okay if this makes you hate the way Wheatley is written and ruins him for you? Of course! It’s a personal thing. I simply wanted to share because if I can help other people notice it then hopefully it should stop happening.

While I don’t believe it’s intentional, I think it ends up saying a lot about how an ADHD person ends up getting treated in an environment literally not made for them. And power corrupts, of course, so I have a hard time seeing it as a “neurodivergent people are evil or bad people” narrative. Anyone who is given so much power is gonna turn fuckin’ evil, see GLaDOS or the disgustingly capitalist Cave Johnson (Though he was pretty evil from the get go. I’ll talk about Cave more when I talk about Portal 2’s comedy). Wheatley’s only flaws aren’t his symptoms either. He’s just kinda sexist as well, this shines through in little ways like his assumption that the human who beat GLaDOS was a man. Wheatley is complicated.

In conclusion, I hope that made even a lick of sense. I’ll admit that it was difficult trying to articulate all my thoughts of this in a easy to read way, so I hope I did a good job!

#portal 2 #wheatley #wheatly portal 2 #chell portal #Chell #glados #ADHD

[skscenarios]

Hello, hope that you are alright

How would Yoh comfort his girlfriend if she is as scared of heights as he is? She even struggles to climb a ladder, can they both promise to afront their fear together? Maybe going together to have a ride on the machines in the amusement park?

Hi, Yeah no problem I apologize for the late response I have been at work all last weekend, Right I have came up with a structure for this ask, First off I will come up with a good reason as to why you are afraid of heights and how Yoh discovers this fear, I will then write a plan of action the reader and Yoh come for dealing with this phobia and then finally the execution of the plan and the outcome so in total this will have 3 parts covering the whole story and as per usual feel free to message me with any changes you wish to be made if this isn’t to your specification, with that in mind lets get the ball rolling.

Also in this I will also be operating under the lines that Anna is merely a childhood friend of Yoh’s

SKS

Shaman king: Wait your afraid?

(Reader X Yoh dealing with a phobia of heights)

Discovery

Ever since you were little you have had a phobia of heights, it all stemmed from an accident that happened when you were five years old, You were on the swings at your local park and one of the kids in your play group had dared you to try go all the way round on the swings, to this you agreed, things were going well till you lost control and the swing began acting erratically, if It was not for the fast actions of your father you would have seriously hurt yourself but in that regard even though you came out of it physically unscathed the mental damage had been done as from that day forth you refused to go to the play park and you became anxious around anything involving heights.

It had been six months since the headphone wearing boy had transferred into your school, Since then you had become quite close as you both shared similar interests and it also helped that you could see ghosts like he could a symptom of your near death experience as a child, one day you and him were asked to clean the classroom by the teacher an action that was reasonable however the chalk board had ran out of chalk and the only place to replace it was on top of a high shelf, With this you ceased up and began shaking, your palms began sweating.

“(YN) are you alright? You look pale” the voice of Yoh spoke to you as you tripped over your words trying to gain the strength to speak to Him with each attempt you began panicking even more as his concern grew, He could tell something was really wrong with you but he wasn’t a mind reader you had to communicate the issue to him somehow.

“Th-the …the shelf…can’t go …shelf ...too high” you spoke out as Yoh stood looking at you the cogs in his head clicking as he looked at you then the shelf and vice versa till it finally hit him like a bolt of lighting, it was basically realization in three, two, one as he scratched the back of his neck as he began to speak once more.

“Are you trying to tell me that your afraid of heights?” Yoh asked in a calm tone as fresh tears fell down your cheek, Finally someone clicked on after all these years, at this point only your parents knew about your phobia but they only did the bare minimum to alleviate your anxiety.

The plan

After calming you down and finishing the rest of the cleaning work in the classroom Yoh walked home with you, As you did you both talked about the phobia you had and he even mentioned that everyone has things they can’t handle he gave an example in the form of that he can’t deal with Anna’s training regime.

“I see so Kyoyama-san is that strict?” you enquired as Yoh nodded his head in fear as he has flashbacks of the days of him being tormented in, whist he thought he came up with a bright idea to help you and asked you in for dinner to discuss the plan with you.

“I have an idea, If you want to ill help you overcome your phobia of heights if you can help me become a little less afraid of Anna” Yoh suggested making your face light up, it was the first time someone actively offered to help you with your fears.

And with that you and Yoh spent the night coming up with a plan of attack, you both agreed that researching coping methods would be for the best and for the next few weeks after school you both worked on parts of the things that scared you both, He helped you by getting you a step ladder to help you gently expose yourself to being off the ground and you helped him by talking to Anna about his concerns, She did seem angry that you were interfering but did see your point of view.

After a few months of exposure therapy Yoh had came to you with the flyer of a funfair that was going to be in Funbari in two weeks, He came up with idea that you and him should go there on a date, You were still nervous about heights and so he did understand if you were to say no but to his surprise you agreed.

The execution

After two weeks passed you were getting ready for your trip to the funfair with Yoh, You had decided to meet up with him at his and walk with him, At this stage you were nervous as you both walked as you held onto his arm, When you were about a few steps away from the funfair Yoh stopped walking and stood in front of you.

“If you get uncomfortable at any time just say our code word and ill take you home, I am here for you and I love you” He calmly spoke to you hugging you gently in his arms making sure to reassure you that he was here for you .

“Alright, I can do this” you told yourself as you both walked deeper into the funfair, the first thing you both did was go on the go karts, it was thrilling as you both zoomed round the track, it was disappointing that you both lost but it didn’t matter you had fun, He then did the test of courage as you ate some cotton candy, it was then that you noticed a set of charms on sale so you bought one for yourself and one for Yoh.

“Yoh I have a present for you” you spoke as you offered him the charm as he smiled and thanked you he then took a small bag from his pocket and offered it to you as you took it from his hand you opened it, Inside was a necklace with luck and love in kanji written on it, you smiled as he helped put it on you.

“So what’s next?” Yoh asked as you surprised him pointing to the Ferris wheel, He held your hand and walked towards the fair attraction as he did he made sure you knew he was there which is something you appreciated, You were getting nervous as visions of your childhood accident flashed though your mind, for a split second you were going to throw in the towel but you thought no, Yoh had gone to such a good effort and was understanding with you all this time, He stood by you and made an active effort to help you with your fears and he settled your heart when it was adrift in the sea of doubt.

With that it was like the fears were shattering around you as one by one those memories were being overpowered by the courage Yoh inspired in you, true the trauma will always be there but now you had a sacred trinket shielding you from fear and it was his love, His pure warm love that wrapped around you like a blanket of orange flame, Protecting you, empowering you to become brave and helping you see though the storm of your fears to the blue sky that you wished to look upon with brave eyes again.

With one brave step you boarded the Ferris wheel with him and took to the sky, No longer chained to the earth you looked upon the view from on high as you did the fear you once held was almost completely gone, Yoh smiled at you and held you in his arms as the sky became a lit with fireworks from the funfairs attractions.

“I am proud of you (Y/N) I will do you proud too” Yoh spoke as he kissed your cheek gently as the night became filled with beautiful lights as you both rode the Ferris wheel enjoying those halcyon days before the storm of the shaman tournament would encapsulate your lives and would test your love to its fullest

END SCENE

#shaman king #yoh asakura #asakura yoh #reader x character #written reply #anon reply #answered asks #writers gonna write

[wincestation]

Wincest in the Pilot (aka my final paper)

2k of academic rambling. I got plenty of help and inspiration from this post and this blog review. Also huge thanks to @s2e11playthings for helping me find the latter. It is me! Essay-anon came out of the shadows!

The first interaction between the two brothers as adults occurs when Dean sneaks into Sam's apartment in the middle of the night. Sam fights the intruder before the latter pins him to the floor, making him realize it's his brother. The first words Dean tells him after not seeing him for two years are, "Easy, tiger." Dean's hand grabs Sam's neck and he smiles broadly at his little brother. As stated in the subsequent dialogue, the reason Dean appears this way is because he knows Sam would not have answered the phone if he had called. Why? the only reason Dean would call (which is also the reason he showed up) is that something happened to their father. Sam knows this, and maybe he didn't care if something really did happen to John. But what if John was the one who called? Maybe then Sam would answer, because he knows that this phone call has a different meaning: something happened to Dean.

Sam and Dean step outside to talk. Sam initially refuses to come with his brother, saying he is done with hunting, with the life that Dean and their father lead. Dean mocks Sam's aspiration for a normal life, perhaps as part of an attempt to persuade Sam to come with him, and return to the life they always shared together. After an argument between the two, involving emotional manipulations on both sides ("It wasn't easy, but it wasn't so bad", Dean dismisses Sam's words; "Do you think Mom would've wanted this for us?" Sam touches on a sensitive point), Dean understands that his brother is not about to give up, and finally reveals the real reason for his arrival:

Dean: I can't do this alone.

Sam: Yes, you can.

Dean: Well, I don't want to.

Dean completely contradicts everything he had said up to this point. In this sentence he expresses an emotional need for Sam, not a practical need. He could have sought out their father alone but chose not to; Maybe he saw the danger to his father's life as a good enough reason for Sam to come back to their lives again. Sam can not remain indifferent to this emotional vulnerability, and agrees to come with him - not because he cares what happens to their father, but because he too, like Dean, needs his brother and does not want to say goodbye to him again.

Sam agrees on one condition: he has an interview on Monday and he must get back on time. Dean agrees. Sam could have offered Dean to sleep on the couch and drive in the morning, or even go after the interview. But he does none of these things, and travels with him at that moment, in the middle of the night, without providing explanations to his girlfriend and without even kissing her goodbye. "At least tell me where you're going?" She calls after him as he leaves, with no answer. This urgency can be interpreted as a concern for the safety of Winchester Sr. but given the relationship between him and Sam, this is probably not the case. Why then is Sam in such a hurry to abandon the life he, allegedly, wants so much? In light of the dialogue between the two brothers the answer seems simple. He missed his brother, and now that he knows this feeling is mutual, he feels he has a good enough reason to leave the "normal" life behind - even if only for one weekend. This confirmation is the real reason he's arguing with his brother. The dialogue between them, according to this interpretation, is full of subtext:

Dean: I will not go until you come with me, or kick me out of your life forever.

Sam: If you want me to come, you need to tell me what I need to hear.

Dean: Don't make me say it out loud.

The two set out to find their father. After research, Sam and Dean discover that the monster of the week is a "woman in white" - a ghost that kills unfaithful men. Later in the episode, the ghost tries to attack Sam, who tells her she can't hurt him, because "I'm not unfaithful, I never was." She replies, "You will be." The hegemonic interpretation, presumably meant by the creators of the series, is that Sam is about to cheat on Jessica with the murderous ghost (with or without his consent). But Sam being targeted can be interpreted in another way. Is he going to betray his girlfriend by wanting to return to the life he shared with Dean and their father? Or even, can it be said that he did not betray her, but his brother, by leaving the family and trying to live a "normal" life with a woman?

The scene on the bridge, in which another confrontation takes place between Sam and Dean, can also be interpreted in two ways. Sam says, half in mockery and half in pity, "Mom is dead, and nothing will bring her back." Dean, in a fit of rage, grabs his brother and slams him at one of the bridge poles. "Don't you dare talk about her like that." This is of course one meaning of things. Another meaning could be, "Dean, I moved on, and nothing will bring me back." To this Dean responds in the only way he knows, "don't you dare not give up on me like that." Throughout the episode, and in this scene in particular, Dean repeatedly mocks Sam's choice to leave college - "Do you really think you're going to become a lawyer? Marry your girl?" - And this ridicule can stem from jealousy over the seemingly perfect and normal life that Sam managed to achieve, but at its core is another jealousy: Sam chose this life over a life with him.

The series hit screens in 2005. About two months after the premiere of the first episode, a blog review titled "Supermatural is Supergay" was published. The author described the series as follows:

It’s like the Hardy Boys, only gayer. I love the awkward sexual tension between the brothers. […] So Dean is the super control freak “top”. He has to be driving at all times. […] Sam rides in the passenger seat. He’s the soft spoken bottom boy, always staring out the window in this deep, dreamy state of mind. No idea what the hell he’s thinking about, but I suspect he is wondering where this relationship is going, and if Dean will ever say “I love you”.

Wait a minute… don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about incest here. See, that's the backstory. They are not really brothers. They are secret lovers, hiding their dirty affair. So they pretend to be brothers so nobody questions why they are together 24/7, why they share a bed. […] Throughout the episodes, they give each other hot glances. It’s never part of the dialogue, they just look like they will rip each other’s clothes off at any given moment. […]

UPDATE: On last Tuesday's episode, "Bugs", they were mistaken for a gay couple and then pretended to be a gay couple in the next scene. See, I told you they are gay guys pretending to be brothers. You heard it here first.

Although the writer was wrong in his assumption - Sam and Dean are indeed brothers - he makes a claim that will receive many reinforcements from the fans. There is a certain tension between the two characters, a codependence bordering on desperation that often later in the show will cause them to take extreme steps to keep each other safe. The brothers' love borders on obsession, which caused many fans to agree with the blogger's opinion - just a week after the first episode was aired, the first online community dedicated to the romantic relationship between the two brothers already opened (sn_slash, or Supernatural Slash, "for all your brotherly needs"). It is difficult to say whether the homoerotic clues came from the creators and were picked up by the audience, or whether the audience interpreted the show as he wished and the creators decided to satisfy their desires, but throughout the series there is recognition of the two's special relationship: In "Bugs" [1x08], everyone is convinced they are a couple and they continue the pretense; In later seasons, the brothers discover that books are being written about their lives, and that many fans of these books are convinced they are a couple (in "The Real Ghostbusters" [5x09] in the Supernatural convention, there is a panel called "The Homoerotic Undertones in Supernatural"); And many of the characters in the series, even those who know about the two being brothers, describe their relationship as one of codependence, blind and absolute love, for which they often sacrifice the entire world ("Sam and Dean Winchester are psychotically, irrationally, erotically codependent on each other", [5x19] "The point of no return").

Did the creators not understand that this is the message they are transmitting? It is hard to believe that they were unanimous on the subject, especially in light of all the reflexive references they themselves have planted in the show. If so, what could be their reason for engaging in a relationship that is fundamentally unnatural, perverse and forbidden, socially and often legally? This can be explained with the help of another issue - that of the exclusion of LGBTQ+ relationships from the public sphere and the lack of legitimacy for their visibility. Supernatural hit the screens in 2005, a time that may not seem so long ago, but its gay visibility is still lacking, and in which there was still no legitimacy to present a proud couple in popular culture. Maybe, as the blogger suggested in his review, the creators genuinely wanted to create a series that would center around love between two men, but felt that the world was not ready to see that content explicitly. After all, it was only a few decades ago that homosexuality was also perceived as unnatural, perverse and forbidden. Maybe acknowledging that, the creators chose to turn Sam and Dean into brothers, as if to reassure the conservatives: of course they are not just two men who are together at any given moment, staring at each other longingly and willing to sacrifice the whole world just so they won't be left without each other. That could be interpreted as homosexuality - and beyond the harsh criticism, such TV series simply wouldn't survive (or at least, that is how the creators may have felt at the time). And if some of the fans understood the true meaning in which the creators wanted engage, well, that was not in their hands.

To sum up, it is difficult to argue that this relationship is characterized as purely platonic. Even if the creators did not intend to create such an impression already in the first episode, they were aware of this impression and included explicit references to this unusual relationship. Although only an analysis of the first episode was conducted here, throughout the entire series there are unequivocal statements that support this assumption (some of which I mentioned above, but most of which have been omitted). And perhaps there is no need for many words beyond those uttered by the brothers themselves, for the first time in the pilot, and for the last time in the finale ("Carry on" [15x20]), before they said goodbye to each other for the last time: "I can't do this alone. I don't want to."

#wincest #meta #sam x dean #pilot #i wish all my school papers could be about wincest #thanks for coming to my ted talk