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rockbottomwithashovel · 2 years

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Pairing: fem reader x damiano david

Warnings: TRIGGER WARNING: self harm, vomiting, eating disorder, suicide attempts, alcoholism, alcohol poisoning... sorry if I missed something!

A/N: I don't know what to call this. It's half a personal vent and therapy, and half fanfiction. If you're only interested in the fic, feel free to skip to like half way through. If I know you in real life and you read this; pretend you didn't.

Word Count: 1.4 k

She looked in the mirror. She hated the thing looking back at her. It didn't feel like her. But then again she wasn't capable of hating that thing staring back at her. That would require being able to feel a damn thing. And there were times that the fire got so hot you don't even realise you're burning anymore.

This was one of those times.

So that's how the movie ends, she thought to herself as she wiped the tear out of her eye. She hated herself. Because she liked the movie.

To The Bone.

She understood Eli's character all too well. The over-caring smothering that basically makes you feel like they don't care, because they don't understand. The way people looked at her like she was her sickness, not a person, but a disease. She understood how hard it can be to eat, how disgusting it can be to love, how painful it can be to live.

But what struck her most of all... The thing she would never admit, not to anyone, not a soul... Is the fact that she was jealous.

She was jealous of how people looked at Eli, scared for her. Because scared meant they cared. But maybe they'd be impressed, in some sick way. She was jealous that the guy Eli met in-patient wasn't a semi-cult-leader, like the guy who fell for her when she was in hospital. She was jealous that Eli's bones were so damn thin... She worried that even if she starved herself down to bone she'd still be fat because of her large ribcage. She was jealous of how beautiful Eli was despite being scarily skinny.

What she'd give for that.

It had been 24 since she had last had a drink. It was one of her many unhealthy 'coping mechanisms'. There was the suicide attempts, running away, starving, hitting, cutting, closing off, sexting, opening up to predators, the list goes on. Eventually drinking became the new one. She thought she was recovered. She was wrong. She drank an entire bottle of wine and half a Bailey's bottle in about an hour, without dinner. It turns out mixing drinks was a bad plan. Worse was being in a house alone that wasn't her own (her new job of house sitting).

She thought she was recovered from her eating disorder, and she had other issues. But as she was begging God to die cause she felt sick as the Bailey's curdled with the white wine in her stomach, she threw up. It wasn't enough. For the first time she stuck her fingers down her throat and forced herself to be more sick.

And she felt an odd sense of pride...

Until she tried to stand and wobbled.

The night was a blur. She blacked out in parts, and begged God to stay unconscious. He had no such mercy. Her mum took her home. The next hours were best described as hell. She thought she'd die. She prayed she would. She threw up until there was nothing left, not even bile. She couldn't even sip water. She told herself no more drinking. Never again. If she was going to die, she'd at least have some dignity at the end. There is no dignity for people with vomit in their hair.

Since then she also tried to give up her other 'coping' mechanism: cutting. There were 3 reasons for this, none of them that she actually wanted to get better. They were 1) her mum was watching her like a hawk and kept checking her sleeves. It turns out when you find your child vomiting on the floor while sitting on the toilet with sleeves covered in blood, that will happen—watching said child like a hawk. Especially when only two weeks later she had alcohol poisoning again. 2) she couldn't keep going to her dance classes with red arms. It used to be small scratched no one noticed, but since cutting into tissue, no sleeves wasn't an option. And most importantly 3) she didn't have anything sharp enough. Her usual object was down for the count and the back-ups weren't in high supply.

She thought 'I'll get better'. But she didn't. She needed another coping mechanism. She can't control her dad's cancer, can't control him getting COVID and though she tried she can't control watching him nearly die at the dining room table, choking on nothing, watching the blood in his face...

But there's something she can control. Something she was able to control for years. Food. Simple. She just won't eat for a while. And she'll feel better then too, right? She'll look pretty. She'll be able to be proud of her body. People at her dance school will think she's pretty and be impressed. It doesn't matter that she dropped out of school if she's pretty. People will like you if you're pretty. And I'm just not that pretty, she thought.

All this is to say that watching To The Bone was a harrowing experience for her. She decided she would get worse. It wasn't really a conscious decision. She told herself “I'll get worse” like she chose it, but that was just her trying to have control over the fact that things are getting worse again and she can't stop it. She doesn't know if she wants to.

It was a month after watching the movie, and her best friends had started to notice that something was up.

“Hey, Y/N, you good? You barely touched your churros.” Vic mentioned.

“And you love churros,” Thomas said with a knowing smirk.

“What's wrong, amore mio?” Damiano asked.

“Oh, nothing,” Y/N dismissed, with a shake of her head and a nonchalant shrug. “I just feel a little sick today and don't want to ruin churros permanently if I don't keep 'em down.” she joked.

Ethan, the only one who knew that Y/N once had an eating disorder, didn't laugh. He raised a concerned eyebrow. Y/N pretended not to notice.

Her stomach growled. It was a painful victory, and like a general that lost soldiers but won the war, Y/N smiled.

Then she heard the knock on the door.

She got up to answer it but got a little dizzy. She stood still and told herself she's fine, and walked towards the door. She opened it to reveal her boyfriend, Damiano, standing there with a box of donuts and a small bouquet of flowers.

“I thought you could use some cheering up, you've seemed down lately,” he said, concern deep in his eyes.

“Oh, no it's OK, I'm fine,” Y/N tried to lie, but the shock and stress was heavy in her voice.

“My love, tell me, what's wrong? Have I done something?”

Y/N couldn't take it anymore, and the tears fell like waterfalls down her face. She'd needed someone to care, someone to notice that she wasn't OK. But she couldn't tell them and didn't want them to know, both at the same time. It was a paradoxical hell, torture either way with no signs of relief. It all became too much. Y/N sobbed and stumbled, Damiano dropping the flowers and donuts to catch Y/N in his arm.

He held her to his chest, and she nuzzled into him as she cried. The sound of his heartbeat calmed her own, and soon enough, they were breathing in time, Damiano still brushing Y/N's hair with his hand and he soothed her.

“Now, what's wrong amore mio?” he asked, cupping her cheeks to look into her eyes.

“It's- I- maybe it's easier if we sit down.”

A few minutes later, the flowers were in a vase, the donuts on the kitchen bench, and the couple sitting on the lounge in the living room.

After a long deep breath, Y/N spoke.

“I'm not coping. I... You know how I gave up alcohol?”

“Si.”

“Well, I also gave up something else. Self harm. An- and since then,” she cleared her throat “my mental health has gotten worse. And my eating disorder is back. I can't seem to be OK.”

“Oh, my love,” Damiano said with remorse and a soft sigh. He dived in fast for a long hug, pulling Y/N as close as possible all the while whispering soothing things to her.

“You are beautiful, my love. No matter what you look like you will always be beautiful, utter perfection. Please, never hurt yourself. You are worth so so much more. Do not waste yourself away because of some bad thoughts, OK? Please, amore, you have to live. You'll be OK. I'm here for you. I swear I will help you.” Eventually he placed a soft kiss on Y/N's head and they cuddled on the couch until they both fell asleep.

Tagging: @smiling-girl (i hope this doesn't scare you too much!!!)

#tw sh #tw ed #tw eating disorder #trigger warning #NOT PRO ANA JUST VENTING #tw alcoholism #tw suicide attmpts #damiano david #damiano x reader #fanfic #angst

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stillsearchingforamanwhoneverwas · 2 years

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On the trip a girl had to be moved out of my room because I was making myself throw up in the bathroom secretly. But she could here it and it made her cry.

I had to sit with my teacher on the step and talk to him, he listens, he thinks I’m ill, be wants me to get help.

#pro 4na #4n4 blog #ed diet #ana post #eat1ng d1sorder #an0r3x14 #an4m14 #depressiv #tw self destructive behavior #teacher x student

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anauwhere · 8 months

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there's a trend on tiktok that goes "i need someone a little bit older" where literal children (usually under 13 or proudly 9 where is your mother?) thirst over 20+ celebs implying they need an older dAdDY or mOmMY. that is normal, it's ok but f someone older than some legal young celeb would start the opposite trend they'd be eaten alive like it already happens. sorry i'm the perfect age to tIhrst over someone 10 years older or younger, child

#Tbh i find the fact that elementary school kids are on tiktok doing some sexy dance liking pro ana posts looking for sexy stuff problematic #yeah i hate the word but #it's more ok at 13 which is still illegal for an acc tho but it's the hypocrisy and lack of sel awarness for me #also bc if celeb x dare be sexy they'd be called creeps 9 yo me thirsting over boybanders would never lol go ahead dude #like when they act all feminists and there was a spit in my mouth or a date the ugly kid challenges #but it's all good it's some older woman the problem. yes ur mother who should vigilate on you

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honeycalories · 3 months

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when youve been suffering your ed for years and see a newbie say "i cant wait to reach my gw so i can eat whatever i want!!!"

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deanstits · 2 years

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why is ultra rosa bad?

it's not bad!!!! i love it! monster ultra is kinda like, eating disorder memes and my brain immediately went there instead bc disorder™.

#answered #tw ed #ed mention #eating disorder mention #gamer boy bestie?? no pro ana boy bestie x #she's sick your honour

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ugh-yoongi · 5 months

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so sorry it took me a few days to get this together for you, but i hope you enjoy some of these!

most of these works contain mature themes/content. please heed tags and do not engage with any explicit work if you are a minor!

i'm sure there are a bunch i've forgotten, so please feel free to reblog and share your own work and your faves!

also, please note: there are a lot of fics on these lists that are posted to ao3. it has recently come out that a volunteer was removed from their position for being pro-palestine (you can find the twt thread here). i am in the process of looking for a better alternative, but until then, it is unfortunately probably the best way to share these stories. while i personally won't be posting to or reading on ao3 for the time being, how you choose to engage going forward is completely up to you! i just wanted to make sure i was being transparent.

hobi x reader

guarded & kanalia by @xjoonchildx — basically anything by ana lbr

just practice & we float by @anotherbtswriter

gone wild by @johobi

liar, liar by @eoieopda

party on you by @here2bbtstrash

do i wanna know? by @yoongiphoria

started with a spark, now we're on fire by @the-boy-meets-evil

renegade by @junghelioseok

midnight confessions by @snackhobi

cry to my room by @kithtaehyung

matters of the heart by @hobidreams

plant boy by @gukyi

sunlit affair by @ubemango

the art of war by @wwilloww

not today, satan by @gimmethatagustd

the wood by @sailoryooons

virtuoso by @hamsterclaw

even though by @moni-logues

anything by @dilfhoseokie

upbeat

for the first time (what's past is past)

same old mistakes

tip 143 (for ∞ seconds of love)

as always, mxm fics (aka me being embarrassing sope trash) under the cut!

member x member

little miracles by @here2bbtstrash (jihope)

you're not mine, but you're the best (jihope) ⭐

i only always think (jihope)

you made me dream when i couldn't sleep (jihope)

walk the walk (jihope)

polaroid (jihope)

a midnight clear (jihope) ⭐

got an offer you might refuse (jihope feat. jin)

i don't want it at all (jihope feat. jin)

please be my finale (sope) ⭐

i've been calling your name (in this whole universe) (sope)

nothing without sunlight (sope)

same damn hunger (sope) ⭐

hot fuss (sope)

i'd love it if we made it (sope) ⭐

rub your feelings down my spine (sope)

kiss me hard before you go (sope) ⭐

how easy this should be (sope)

all my days (i'll know your face) (sope)

those ocean eyes (sope)

leave you drowning (until you reach for my hand) (sope)

reputation (sope)

snapshots from the breakdown (sope) ⭐

the best is yet to come (sope)

my hands down your pants (no homo) (sope)

first times and stuff & an experiment in threesomes (sope feat. jk)

at least i got you in my head (hopekook)

10/10, would do again (hopekook)

bone + tissue (hopekook)

telepathy (rapline)

delta (rapline)

i get those goosebumps every time (rapline)

i'm on fire (rapline)

when the moon rises (namseok)

how i'm imagining you (namseok)

in your atmosphere (namseok)

why don't you figure (my heart) out (namseok)

the universe needs more you (namseok)

bated breath (2seok)

smile like you mean it (2seok)

gingerbread (2seok)

cowboys love horses (2seok)

natural gnosis and the chaos therein (2seok) ⭐

telepathy for virgins (2seok)

⭐ = personal mxm favorite. please read any of these and return to scream over them with me.

#hoseok x reader #jhope x reader #hobi x reader #jhope fanfic #hoseok fanfic #jhope smut #hoseok smut #bts fanfic #bts smut #fic rec

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yesimwriting · 7 months

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⋆｡°✩ yesimwriting's masterlist⋆｡°✩

Below the cut is a full list of all my work :) (updated 10-10-23)

*pls limit interactions if you’re a pro ED/ana acc :)*

SCREAM 1996

Final Girl

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

To be continued.

Final Girl fic-verse:

First Impressions

Sick Day

———————

Final Girl fic-verse blurbs:

Drunk Y/N

Stu saying the L word

Billy saying the L word

Little Rituals

Time of Need

Talking about Y/N

Stu’s thoughts about Y/N and POV

Gingerbread

Billy Loomis x S/O with Panic attacks

Stu waiting for Y/N and Casual Intimacy

Billy and Stu with S/O who cries a lot

Billy and Stu Scaring Guys Away

People noticing their friendship

Driving with Stu

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SCREAM VI

Ethan Landry

One of Them

Ask about Ethan

Noticing they like Y/N

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LAST OF US

Joel Miller

First Rule

What Follows

Y/N gets hit on - Protective Joel

Purpose

Pulling Away

Pulling Away similar story

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

STAR WARS

Anakin

More Than This

Promise

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AMERICAN HORROR STORY

Tate Langdon

Modern day fic

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DC TITANS

Jason Todd

Resurgence

Slow Nights

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ELVIS THE MOVIE

Business Practical

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

STRANGER THINGS

Steve Harrington

Movie Club

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Times Have Changed

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DAREDEVIL

48 Hours

Chapter 1

A Red Widow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SPIDER-MAN

This Time it’s Different

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

TASM Peter

Domestic Assertiveness

Hobbie Brown

Ask about Hobbie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOU

Bloodroot in the Suburbs

Prologue

Chapter 1: The Babysitter

Chapter 2: Kill Habits, Not people

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SIX OF CROWS SERIES:

Searing Starlight

Searing Starlight Chapter 1

Searing Starlight Chapter 2

Searing Starlight Chapter 3

To be continued.

—————-

Kaz Brekker:

Blurb series: The Promise of Rain (i define a blurb series' as a series with shorter chapters where each chapter correlates but can technically be read as a stand alone)

The Promise of Rain (blurb 1).

The Promise of Rain (blurb 2).

The Promise of Rain (blurb 3)

To be continued.

—————

Falling Angels:

Falling Angels Chapter 1

Falling Angels Chapter 2

To be continued.

———

Anastasia (Prologue)

Bookworm reader

A Knife in the Back

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SHADOW AND BONE:

The Darkling:

Solace (part 1)

Solace (part 2).

———————

To Be Alone (smut).

Solutions

All the Good Dreams (might be getting a part 2)

—————

The Needs of Pain (part 1)_

The Needs of Pain (part 2, smut).

—————-

Corridor Moments

darkling x shy! reader HC

Comforting the darkling HC

Playing Vices

Darkling x anxious! Reader

Kirigan x Soft Girls/Similar personality

Crossing Lines

Darkling x Pregnant! Reader

Possessive/Breeding

Nikolai Lantsov:

Tranquility.

Handmaid reader x nikolai. childhood best friends to

lovers fic

Enemies to lovers Nikolai HC (i'm thinking of making a series based on this

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SHADOW AND BONE X SIX OF CROWS:

The Problem With Light Chapter One

To be continued.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RED QUEEN:

Maven Calore:

Dying Starlight

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koifish67 · 1 year

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Overwatch x GN! Reader adopting a kid part 1

Tw mentions of vomit

(Since solider 76 is CANON gay, his section will have have he/him pronouns for you(

(The baby is a girl)

Mako is a good dad, a great dad even.

You’d think he’d get annoyed easily by the crying of the baby, but he simply will just scoop up the small human and cradle them ever so gently.

His nickname for his baby? “puawai iti” (little flower in the Māori language)

He’ll put his baby on his stomach with a hand on them and omg it so adorable.

You catch him staring at you while holding the baby, he’ll lie if you ask if he was smiling. (He 100% was)

When he’s out and about he has his baby in a sling on him, it has lil pachimari all over it. He also dresses her in a cute pachimari onesie!

Is scared to feed her but after you show him he’s a bit more confident. Does the airplane thing 100%.

Scared but happy, he genuinely is scared that he’ll accidentally hurt his baby by doing something stupid. But happy cause he finally gets to have a kid with you.

Makes baby clothes and it looks cute! Probably goes crazy when he sees baby shoes.

Puts all his dangerous explosive stuff on a very high shelf.

Cant change diapers for the life of him, like he will gag and vomit if he has to, so it’s your job now.

Giggles so much if she farts or burps, he takes videos of it and sends it to you with him giggling in the background.

Dresses her in very funny costumes and onesies.

ROADHOG BABYSITTIER!!!

Hanzo

Omg is so so happy he finally gets to have a kid with you. He always wanted a kid, and a kid with YOU, his dream is coming true.

When he finally gets to see his child, he starts crying and hugging you and his new baby girl.

Dresses his baby in cute little dresses! He found a cute dragon onesie and is obsessed with it.

Calls her “my little dragon”

Is a pro at feeding, changing diapers, calming her down, and making her laugh.

He spoils her so much that her room is engulfed with stuffed animals, blankets, and the cutest baby bottles.

The dragons love her, they cuddle her all the time.

Mcree

Is super excited, like omg I’m gonna be a father finally!

Dresses her in a lil cowboy hat sometimes it’s so cute, its brown with little bees on it. Has her own little cow boy boots to.

Feeds her like a pro!

Does that thing where she’ll toss her in the hair and catch her, gently of course.

If he’s out and about he has a baby carrier with horses all over it.

Doesn’t smoke when she’s with him, refuses it and will never do it. He actually stops a lot and rarely does in the future.

Has pictures of her and you in his hat, takes it out to show it off to his teammates.

“Look at my amazing husband/wife/partner and our baby!”

Calls her “my little cowgirl”

Doomfist

Very excited! He’s gonna be a dad! It makes him so happy to have a baby with you.

“I cant be evil today I’m to busy being a dad”

I’m sorry but he’s really bad at matching her outfits, but she’s dressed so it doesn’t really matter.

So gentle to her, he treats her like the most breakable glass in the world.

Lots of plushes, so many omg.

He makes her dance, like he does that thing where he moves her arms and legs to make her dance and it’s adorable.

Her first words are “dada” and he starts fucking sobbing.

Solider 76

OMG HES FINALLY A FUCKING DAD! He crys in your chest when that happens

Loves taking her around everywhere in a stroller, especially at the park when he’s on his daily run.

“Where’s the wife today?”

“My HUSBAND is at home making lunch.”

Mercy babysits for you

Stricks me as the guy who builds everything, like he built her crib, a shelf, her diaper changing paper.

Has 20 books on parenting, and asks Ana a lot of questions to.

Starts crying when she touches his face and giggles, his heart is all warm and fuzzy.

Goes to check ups with mercy with her

Dilf

Starts crying when she says her first words.

#gay fanfiction #mlm blog #overwatch #overwatch x male reader #overwatch x reader #junkrat #junkrat x reader #mlm fanfic #overwatch x you #roadhog x reader #doomfist x reader #doomfist #roadhog #hanzo x reader #Hanzo #mcree x reader #cole cassidy

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