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anundyingfidelity · 28 days

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I'M A RUIN — Soldier Boy/Ben (Part V)

Series summary: After the events of the Seven Tower, you present Grace Mallory a new secret project you're working on already to develop a cure to Compound V. The only problem? You need Soldier Boy for that.

Pairing: Soldier Boy/Ben x female reader.

Word count: 2.4k.

Warnings for series: set after S3 (spoilers), some OOC!Ben, some depressed!Ben, angst, hurt/comfort, eventual smut, slow-burn, language, PTSD, reader has Compound V (she's no Vought supe tho), Soldier Boy being an usual asshole, reader is a fucking liar.

Warnings on this chapter: some misogyny and shit (you know who), psychiatry stuff, canon gore, blood, heads exploding, and violence?.

Notes: so I'm sorry for any mistakes during the psychyatric process, I go to therapy and take medication myself so that's all I know plus google research. And be aware of the gore descriptions, I tried to do my best I guess lol. Thanks for reading as always!

this fic tags: @k-slla @syrma-sensei @mostlymarvelgirl @cheynovak @drasticemotions @soldirboy @deans-spinster-witch

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get yourself in the taglist!

GEN MASTERLIST! — SERIES MASTERLIST!

Part V: Blow Your Mind

With a deep breath, you reviewed the symptoms Soldier Boy barely 'gave' during your session. The list was kind of long on the pages and it read:

Always being on guard for any danger, self-destructive behavior, irritability, angry outbursts, panic attacks, feeling emotionally numb, not trusting anyone, not feeling safe, hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, fatigue, muscle tension, headaches, back pain...

There was a weird silence surrounding both of you, mostly because of his mood and his change in demeanor from a somewhat friendly asshole to an irritated, unbearable jerk. Once you had started with the uncomfortably stupid questions, he felt threatened. Soldier Boy wasn't actually open to talk about his past and the traumatic experiences he had, and that meant it was difficult to get to know how his body and mind were reacting to all the stress and madness he went through in decades, adding those weeks after Billy Butcher had released him from his nightmare.

He was opposed to speaking directly about how he was feeling, but you knew better that Ben speaking out on his symptoms was not going to happen. So you had to ask each one of them and review some his most harsh experiences directly, in order to receive monotonous responses, limited to: 'yes', 'no', 'I don't know,' and finally 'what the fuck is that?' You took them all as an absolute yes.

He was being defensive and you knew better than to miss anything after he almost burned the whole damn building. And with the small but confident experience you had with psychiatry, you concluded that he needed medication and therapy. As soon as fucking possible.

"Yeah, you have PTSD," you said after a moment and your eyes found his unreadable gaze.

He raised his eyebrows with false surprise. He already heard that shit from Hughie before. "And where's the fucking drugs?"

"For that to happen, you have to stop the weed first."

"I've survived bricks of coke mixed with shit you probably don't know about and you want to take the only thing that's keeping me sane? Fan-fucking-tastic!" he fumed, but you didn't flinch. Not a bit.

"Look, my goal is keeping you safe and making you sane because you definitely are not. Not right now. And since I took you out, you'll follow my process, so stop whining."

He chuckled softly with a bitter grimace on his lips as he shook his head softly. "No, that's not gonna happen."

"I don't care if you agree with that, it's settled," you continued, a triumphant smile plastered on your face.

It was true, you didn't give a single shit. He had to be clean and quit any type of drugs to start the medication but most importantly, to use his blood. Eventually. You were more than aware that he wouldn't die easily, that was proved. And it was just a matter of time to get him to your lab to take samples of his blood and run the necessary research on them while you and your team still continued the studies with the Anti-V prototype. You were only hoping that day would arrive soon enough. Two months sober, that was all you needed from him. And the best part? Soldier Boy didn't have to really know the whole details.

Ben, on the other hand, clenched his jaw so tight and closed his eyes for a moment after hearing your statement. You really were a fucking bitch, letting him fall into the abyss of misery and torture that was his own wrecked mind. He considered your intentions internally, once again for the millionth time. You showed up there all dressed up, playing a rich doctor when in reality you were just a fucking slutty brat, just to tell him he had to stop his usual pot, which you also brought happily when he asked you to. And now, you were taking away the only thing that stopped him from ripping your head off. What a great move.

"That's not smart," he insisted.

"Why not? I have you under my own terms."

Ben tilted his head, studying you carefully. "You can't stop me, doll. None of you can. I'm only here because I find it suitable instead of storming out and catching unnecessary attention."

Ben saw you swallow down, he immediately knew it was because you were angry, not scared. You never really seemed scared of him. And you tried to restrain yourself from slapping him right away. "Are you blackmailing me again, Soldier Boy?"

"Is just a warning," he said, nonchalantly. "Wouldn't want to harm such a pretty thing like you, now wouldn't we."

"Oh well, just a reminder I can also turn on the damn gas if needed," you snapped. The arrogant smirk on his lips fell off and it was your turn to smile back. "We all have hidden cards, right?"

Such an arrogant bitch, he thought.

"So, what's your plan?" you switched the subject to avoid going further into what was troubling him.

"What do you mean?"

"Homelander. You want him dead, don't you? You must be getting ready to fight again..."

His body seemed tense once you pushed him to talk, looking away from you to calm a bit. "Isn't that what all of you want?"

"Any sane person would love that, trust me."

Soldier Boy narrowed his eyes. "Well, I can do it. If I wasn't here... You've seen what he's capable of. Jesus, I've seen it," he bitterly chuckled. "And the kid? He's a fucking menace."

"You've been watching the news, I take that—"

"The fuck I do! Wasn't gonna wait for you to keep me up to date of what the fuck is going on!" Ben shouted, his loud voice roaring in your ears despite the distance.

"I don't want you to stress out more than you do," you said, vacillating. "A lot of things take time, such as you adapting to the twenty-first century."

"I'd love to know when that'll happen," Ben insisted. "Or else, I might just break out."

With a tentative smile, you started to write down the report. "I'm so glad you're talking more during our sessions."

You barely said goodbye to Soldier Boy once you finished your daily session. Your head was aching as you walked down the aisle, barely leaving the empty wing of the building behind. Certainly he was hard to handle and was behaving defensively. Before you left he began asking, or better said, bossing you to get him whatever the kid Hughie told him he needed to learn how to use. Shit like the internet and GPS, he said. You told him he was not ready for it yet.

But you'd give him a golden star for trying and insisting so badly, even if he was against eighty percent of your methods. He was up to something, there was no question for that. He was a soldier, more or less like his given supe name. People like him always had a plan, and underneath his facade, there were more plans backed up with words of honor that you had to track sooner or later.

As you made your way to your office, greeting your lab employees and guards, a disturbing sensation grew up inside. Before crossing the doorframe you subtly looked around, focusing for some reason in the security camera, more time than you'd like to admit. You turned again to finally get inside, facing the entry of your office when hurried steps and a voice stopped you from doing so.

"Doctor!"

Once again you turned on your heels to see your assistant, tablet in hand. Those had to be the results.

"Hey," you began. "You have everything?"

Bianca nodded with a straight face and handed you the tablet. You noticed her tight grip and her somehow trembling fingers when you took the device from her hands. You eyed her a little, she remained with her hands intertwined in front of her, her attention seemed lost. With caution, you continued to check the file.

"Is the patient alright?" you asked, reading the profile of the supe who had the not so good luck of being tested previously.

Solaris was his supe name. And he had the ability to manipulate light and matter with his mind. He had taken part in the program for a month now and this was his first test. As always, each supe you had into the program was low-profile. You were thankful of your team keeping these supes under their gaze to offer them some sort of solution, even after all the deaths you tracked from time to time when a test of the Anti-V was run. More than a solution for them, it was a partial contribution to find it.

You quickly scanned the updated file that Bianca completed for you. He was doing better than projected, his powers were still gone with a forecast of probably coming back within a couple of hours. A deep breath left your lips. Now that was an improvement. It was the first time anything like that happened on any tests. The supe survived, he was weak but the powers were off for a bit. It was a small step closer to your goal. Just a little bit more maybe and it could be done, finally...

"He's resting right now," Bianca interrupted your thoughts. Your eyes were back on her face.

"This is great news, thank you. I trust he's doing okay."

She nodded. "He is."

"Great, I guess I'll see him in a couple of hours," you said about entering your office.

"Wait!" Bianca suddenly closed the little space between both of you. She breathed heavily before stuttering words out. "I, I have- I'm sorry..."

"Are you okay?" you inquired, knowing her behavior was unusual. She swallowed down, turning her gaze away, her hands shaking. Was she sick? "Bianca, what's wrong?"

You tried to reach her cheek with your hand, but she stepped back abruptly, looking at you like if you were a ghost with her eyes red and wet, and a fine layer of sweat adorning her skin.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I'm so sorry," she sobbed.

You walked towards her, worried about what was going on but every step you took, she also gave it back.

"Bianca, what's happening?"

Her back bumped the wall of your office, and finally, she started to cry. "I'm sorry. You have to go, please..."

Your heart started pounding heavily on your chest. "What—"

"Go now! Please... Please don't hurt me..."

"I'm not going to hurt you, Bianca," you whispered, trying to comfort her.

But she continued crying and mumbled incoherent words with eyes shut, while hot tears streamed down her face. She choked on her sobs as she pleaded for her life. But you didn't understand why. You tried to soothe her, reaching her shoulder with your free hand.

And when you placed your palm on her, everything became red. It all happened in seconds. Ropes of warm blood covered your face in an instant. A loud gasp fell from your throat. You felt every drop mixed with brains on the skin of your face, on your neck, and sliding down the skin under your blouse. It was shocking and equally disgusting. And your eyes remained shut, not brave enough to move or see the horrid picture in front of you.

Your palm was still on her shoulder when the remains of her body fell to the ground with a thud. Your trembling hand wiped some blood from your face to open your eyes anew. The wall was painted with her, as much as you were, and it left a trail of blood from where her corpse slid to the floor. Her head long fucking gone.

"Shit."

Shit. Fucking shit. Was it him? It had to be him. There was no reason to doubt it. It was him. And he complied with his promise. Had Homelander been controlling Bianca? Was she the only one? No. There had to be something more. Homelander wasn't easy and he wasn't merciful with anyone. You had to stop him and get Soldier Boy out of the building. Now.

You tried to control yourself as best as you could, walking away to reach anyone, crossing a corner on the hallway, where a guard was casually passing by.

He stopped on his tracks at your sight, covered in blood and meat. "Doctor?"

"I need your help," you whispered.

He nodded quickly and you began explaining with a low, shaky voice.

"I don't know what happened, my assistant was right there with me when— Fuck!"

You walked some inches away when his head exploded, just like Bianca's did. Luckily, or not, this time was inside his helmet. All the red brains and blood were catched by it. Still, you wanted to throw up right fucking there. The remains of his body fell to the floor with a loud sound.

With a deep breath you continued your way, finding guards, lab assistants and agents. If they were alive, their heads popped into your sight. And if it was your somehow lucky moment of the day, you just found their headless corpses lying on the ground, creating a pool of blood you tried to avoid.

The only thing on your mind was taking Ben out of the building. The alarm had been turned on and the annoying sound of it was driving you crazy. Your head ached more than ever as you made your way to Soldier Boy for the second fucking time during the day.

Since there was no time to open the heavy door properly, you used a force field around the metal, moving the door until it slipped enough to let you in. You found him standing in the middle of the room. Eyes dark and alert, with fists and frame ready to fight. He wrinkled his nose once you entered the place.

"What the fuck's going on?" Ben growled, observing your blood covered face.

"We need to go, now. Take your clothes off."

He blinked, taken aback. Before he answered you continued with an explanation.

"I'll turn you invisible, but can't turn your clothes," you ordered, looking in the closet for a sports bag you knew was inside and picking a couple of shirts, pants and boxers as quickly as time allowed you to. Once finished, you turned to Ben again.

"Mind to fucking clarify?" he insisted. You sighed, closing your eyes for a moment.

"Look, I'll tell you everything once we're out," you turned one of your hands invisible for him to see.

Ben snorted with laughter. How ironic, he thought.

"No fucking way."

"Strip. We're leaving."

#soldier boy x reader #soldier boy x you #soldier boy x female reader #soldier boy imagine #soldier boy x y/n #soldier boy fanfiction #the boys amazon fanfiction #the boys series #the boys tv #the boys amazon prime #jensen ackles fanfiction #soldier boy/ben

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possibilistfanfiction · 4 months

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for surgeons AU could we get some early days, maybe first date or something? obsessed with your work as always

[s/o to everyone who asked for their first date, love u, crossposting this au to ao3 now too i guess lol!]

‘don’t laugh.’

‘i’m not.’

you glare.

‘i swear, i’m not,’ she lies.

‘cam, you’re actively laughing. physically. audibly. at me.’

camila takes a deep breath and forces herself to frown. ‘okay. sorry. continue.’

‘bea is just — hot.’

you can tell that camila fights a grimace, which is fair, maybe, because she’s known beatrice for years through medical school. ‘she’s also very kind and understanding, if you wanted to, like, do something that would actually be fun for the both of you.’

‘hiking sounds fun.’

‘ava.’

it’s not all that often you feel the tightness in your chest that you remember from childhood: things are far less limited to you now. you have care you need, and your physical therapy and surgeries and medications are usually effective at letting you do whatever you want day-to-day. ‘just — don’t.’

camila sighs. ‘okay. but i promise bea wouldn’t think any less of you.’

you flop back on her sofa. ‘i know that, i really do. but it’s just so not sexy. and you know what is sexy? beatrice without a shirt on hiking ten miles, all sweaty and —‘

‘— it’s november, i’m pretty sure she’ll be wearing a shirt and a jacket —‘

‘— that’s not the point.’

camila loses her battle and does outright laugh at you now. ‘okay. well, to answer your question, you can borrow whatever of my gear you need, and i won’t tell bea.’

‘you’re a saint.’

to be fair, beatrice picks you up in her extremely clean subaru — you refrain from saying anything; it’s way too easy for it to actually be fun anyway — and offers you a breakfast sandwich and a coffee from, apparently, her favorite place near her house. it’s a cool, cloudy morning, typical november fair, and it’s still dark out, but you’re used to being up early or really at any time of day or night at this point. you’d done every spine decompression stretch you’ve ever learned in physical therapy, taken some ibuprofen, and truly have no plan other than hoping camila’s trekking poles — a very serious name for very fancy walking sticks — are enough to see you through.

beatrice, for her part, is clearly nervous, and it’s charming: she spends at least twenty minutes talking to you about all of the features of the hike and why it’s an ideal one for the two of you — ‘it’s moderate elevation gain up to the crest, about 2.5 miles, and, since it has southern exposure, we won’t get too much wind today.’ and, ‘if you want to keep going, it’s beautiful along the ridge, and there’s two mild peaks we could summit.’ and, ‘i’ve packed enough food and water for essentially however long we want to go; you can carry some if you’d like, if you didn’t pack much yourself.’ and, ‘anyway, the entire thing is wonderful and, in my experience, fairly empty, especially as it grows colder. but, just our luck: not much rain forecast for today.’ — and then asks, almost painfully awkward, about your last shift.

‘it was fine,’ you say, finishing your sandwich and making sure your trash is neatly packed up in the bag, with hers too. ‘but enough shop talk. i want to know about you.’

she blushes and you see, not for the first time but maybe in a way that’s more obvious than you have before, that beatrice is just a person after all, even if she’s unflappable at work.

‘it’s okay,’ you say, so she doesn’t shut down or feel embarrassed. ‘i don’t mind shop talk, but i’m just — i’m glad to spend the time with you, away from work. plus you’re like a total enigma. very mysterious. it’s kind of hot.’

you haven’t said explicitly this is a first date, but you’ve been on lots of first dates and you’re fairly certain this is one. you’re definitely certain when she laughs, her shoulders loosening down her spine, away from her ears, and says, ‘only kind of?’

‘well, i wasn’t sure if we were just colleagues or just friends or whatever.’

‘or whatever?’

you groan. ‘you’re extremely hot, are you kidding? i think it’s affecting my residency, actually. i get distracted by your hands and then i lose the plot.’

she takes that in, maybe more than you had meant to say but who cares at this point; you’d gotten up at 5 am for her on your day off, so it’s fairly clear how you feel. ‘you’re quite distracting yourself, dr. silva.’

‘in a good or bad way? like, sexy or annoying?’

she rolls her eyes; you can tell, even if she’s still watching the road. ‘it depends. often both.’

you grin, lean back in the seat. ‘i contain multitudes, what can i say. triple threat.’

‘sexy, annoying, and… ?’

‘brilliant, obviously.’

‘oh yes, obviously.’ you pull into a deserted parking lot amidst a lush green forest and a heavy early morning fog; it’s beautiful, and you don’t ever regret that you ended up here, but you feel particularly grateful for it now. ‘you are brilliant, ava.’ it’s serious, the way she says it and the way she squeezes your hand, just once, before she gets out of the car with a soft smile.

you watch her as subtly as you can as she puts on her gear, following suit as closely as you can without being too obvious about it. you know this is, objectively, really stupid and unnecessary, and jillian is probably spidey-senses yelling at you from somewhere in the world, but you have never wanted to impress someone so badly in your entire life. once beatrice is all ready to go, in her warm fleece quarterzip underneath a waterproof shell, a similar setup for her pants, her boots tied securely and her pack neatly zipped, poles ready at the correct height — so your elbows are at 90 degrees, camila had explained yesterday — and a beanie pulled down securely over her buzzed hair and ears.

‘the most important part for me,’ she says.

it takes you a second, but then you laugh. ‘you’re being funny.’

she makes sure her car is locked, zips the keys in a pocket inside her jacket, and then takes off down the trail. ‘i’ve been known to have a sense of humor from time to time.’

she’s not even walking that fast but it’s cold and jillian is mad at you all the time for how much you have to stand just for work, definitely without the however-many-long mile hike you’re about to go on. ‘the other interns are terrified of you, you know.’

beatrice turns toward you with a smirk. ‘and you’re not?’

‘well, i’ve seen you cry, once not even about a patient but about the fact that the coffee cart was out of earl grey tea.’

‘i hadn’t slept in thirty hours.’

you shrug — that’s probably true, but still — and bump her in the shoulder. ‘i like you,’ you tell her, honest, finally, amongst the moss and the ferns, the sun barely up, no one around to hear you. there’s a different kind of fear you feel when it comes to beatrice: not as dr. choi, indomitably talented and ruthlessly efficient resident, but as someone whose cologne you recognize, as someone who you want to make your grandma’s vatapáfor. ‘you’re kind to me.’

beatrice slows down for a moment — thank fucking god — and takes you in. you feel out of place often, and especially here, but the best thing about her is that, even if she senses it, she never faults you. ’that’s what you deserve.’ and then, ‘i hope i am. i want to be.’

you don’t know much about her, really: you know that she went to boarding school at 14 and had been at the top of her class at the best schools and programs in the world ever since; that she loves to be in nature and has known lilith for forever; that her accent loosens, just slightly, when she’s especially excited or especially exhausted. she likes otters, you’ve gathered, from a little pin on her coat, and she wants to go into cardio because it’s endlessly fascinating to her, and impossible, and miraculous. she runs so much admin for the free gender affirming surgery clinic even though it’s not her speciality and she certainly doesn’t have to; she learned asl last year, in addition to a host of other languages she speaks, to better communicate with patients and colleagues. you think, of anyone in your program, maybe of anyone at the hospital entirely, she’s chief superion’s favorite.

there are so many things you want to learn about her: what makes her scared and who she let take care of her after she had top surgery and what her favorite song is and what book made her cry as a child and if she likes comedies or is more of a drama kind of girl. you want, you can admit to yourself, to know everything about her in a way you’ve never quite wanted anything before.

‘you’re the best person i know.’ you’re worried it’s too much before she smiles — not at you, too shy, but you catch it anyway before she looks away.

‘that’s generous.’

‘still, true.’

she worries her lip before saying, ‘i am, technically, your boss.’

‘barely.’

‘ava.’

‘hmm. not dr. silva? doesn’t sound very position of power to me.’

‘i — i like you too.’ you watch her push her poles into the soft ground a little harder, like her whole body is fighting — to say what she means, or to not say it, you’re not sure.

you’ve had crossroads in your life before, most of them really fucking horrible — until they weren’t, until the world stretched out before you and opened up before you. you’ve talked over and over about this with jillian and the therapist she made sure you went to before you consented to any truly dangerous and experimental procedures or injections: disability was limiting, sure, but the real harm was done by the lack of care afforded you, not your lack of movement. you work so, so hard to believe it on good days; it’s nearly impossible on the worst.

but this is the best day, you decide. camila is right: beatrice is kind and caring and brave in ways you know; in ways you have yet to find out.

you’ve made it maybe half a mile into the hike but your back is aching, left foot going numb already, your right hand clenched too tight around the handle of the pole, so much so that even the soft cork of it hurts. so, instead of moving and moving and moving like you always do, like you have since the moment you could close your hands into fists so tight you swore you’d never let the world go: you stop.

bea takes a few more steps and then notices; she turns around and looks at you curiously.

‘sorry,’ you say, impulse and fear and habit, then shake your head. ‘actually, uh. i’m not? yeah, i’m not.’

she stands steady, unfazed by that. ‘okay.’

‘uh, well. i like you too. i already said that, but i really like you. i don’t — god, this sounds so stupid. but i don’t want to be your intern.’

the small, amused smile on beatrice’s face makes you feel better. ‘am i not a good teacher?’

‘i think there are lots of other things i would enjoy you teaching me.’ you close your eyes for a moment as she laughs, trying to regroup. ‘okay, i am sorry for that one.’

‘don’t be. i quite enjoyed it.’

‘before — before we tell chief superion anything, if you wanted to try, just — you should know that i shouldn’t have said yes to going on this hike.’

beatrice’s brow knits together, so immediately concerned you reach for her hand.

‘not because — it’s beautiful,’ you say. ‘you’re beautiful, and i’m so happy you asked me.’

she doesn’t look any less worried, which is fair.

‘i have a spinal cord injury,’ you say, and her face softens into something you’re terrified of for a moment, until you realize it’s only patience, only an opening for understanding — not pity, and certainly not anything close to contempt.

‘okay,’ she says, calmly and as kind as ever.

stupid, annoying tears burn at your eyes. ‘i just — you love hiking, and you asked and planned so nicely, and you wanted to share this special thing with me, and —‘

‘ava,’ she says, then brings her thumbs to wipe your cheeks with a gentle smile. ‘i just wanted to spend time with you. you’re right, i enjoy hiking, but i also enjoy lots of other things. things that i would also want to share with you.’

‘i should be using a cane at work,’ you admit, in the middle of this beautiful forest where no one but her can hear you. ‘i haven’t been because i didn’t, i don’t —‘

‘— while i think it’s wise you’re moved off my service,’ she says, ‘i will burn down that entire hospital if anyone looks down on you for that.’

‘that seems counterintuitive to do no harm.’ the way you say it is wobbly and your nose is full of snot and it’s kind of all so terrible, but then you catch up: ‘you don’t want me on your service?’

beatrice steadies herself. ‘i want to kiss you.’

‘even after —‘

‘ava, listen. i want to kiss you.’

‘yeah,’ you say, and lean forward.

it feels like your entire body lights up, even though it aches in the damp cold — golden light everywhere.

you laugh a little afterward, then beatrice smiles and takes off back toward her car without any complaints.

‘it’s still rather early,’ she says as you go on your way, ‘and we’re only about twenty minutes from the car.’

you grimace. ‘yeah, sorry.’

she shakes her head. ‘there are undoubtedly so many things you need to apologize for daily, ava —‘

‘— hey —‘

‘— but this is not one of them.’

‘fine,’ you huff.

she’s unfazed. ‘i was going to ask if perhaps you wanted to come over to my place. among other things i like in addition to hiking, i do like to catch up on rest as well. and then perhaps lunch? there’s a spot near me that has wonderful oysters.’

‘a nap? in your sexy house? lunch? with your sexy face?’

she ignores most of it: ‘it’s a rather normal house.’

‘i bet it’s sexy. lilith told me you were rich.’

beatrice grimaces.

‘it’s okay. like, really. i just bet you’re, like, the kind of person who has bespoke everything, aren’t you?’

‘no,’ she says, but she’s blushing and looking away from you.

‘you know, you’ve got a terrible poker face.’

‘only when it comes to you, i’m afraid.’

‘ah, what a terrible fate.’

‘the worst,’ she agrees, shaking her head with a smile. ‘it’s got a good view, i will say.’

‘well, lead the way then.’

‘ava, we’re just walking back to the car.’

you roll your eyes. ‘you know what i mean.’

beatrice’s house is beautiful, perched on a hill with giant windows overlooking the sound and the olympics. she laughs — not unkindly — when you admit that all of your hiking gear is actually camila’s, says, ‘i thought that pack looked familiar,’ and then lends you a hoodie and some comfortable running shorts to change into. you don’t ask her so many things brimming inside of you; she doesn’t ask you either, although you’re sure she — as bea and as dr. choi — has a billion questions. you’ll ask and answer everything in due time.

for today, you bully her — with far too little bullying involved to make her argument of i’ve never seen it before and i don’t waste my time on shows like this — to start binging season 4 of real housewives of salt lake city; even less convincing when she knows all about jen’s escapades last season and then clamps her mouth shut when you laugh into her shoulder.

‘it’s compelling, fine,’ she says with a very dramatic pout, and you’re kissing it off her face before you can think twice.

she smiles into it, your nerves dissipating, and it’s good, and right, and safe. you eventually kiss her cheek and run a hand over the soft bristles of her hair — which you’ve been dying to do — while she smiles and then settle into her side.

‘thank you.’

she lets out a big breath, peaceful under the blanket, thick socks on your feet, cold rain outside but only warmth in this house with you in it. ‘no, ava. thank you.’

#wn fic #avatrice fic #avatrice #prompts #surgeons au #if there's two things i love it's hiking & rhwoslc!#butch bea 🥺🫡#they’re both so silly

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allsadnshit · 1 year

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Some of my favorite things you can check out if therapy isn't an options right now are:

-the inner child podcast by Gloria zhang

-leave this book in the bathroom by Everest Asher

I used to be pretty anti self help AND anti therapy, I grew up in a household that used physical fitness to release stress or went straight to medication like anti depressants without any counseling but both the book and podcast have really helped me understand some of the basics of what I needed help with outside of just OCD! Plus I couldn't have finally gotten my ocd diagnosis without a therapist! And even having better language to express what is happening with me makes a big difference

Therapy isn't an instant cure, I think most of the time it's just getting more tools to manage and hopefully thrive and hey sometimes people go to therapy for years without progress so I don't want to ever suggest it's a one size fits all situation but i think a huge first step can even just be recognizing there's nothing corny or cliche about trying to find some help even if it feels a little child like to be told to "speak to yourself nicely" those things are powerful and probably seem dumb cause you never do them lol

It's been a good year for my mental processing and I haven't been able to say that in a really long time if ever and I still have a million and one things to work through but at the very least I don't think it's pointless anymore <3

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thenarrativefoil · 2 months

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chronicly ill bitching

I feel like im chasing a weasel around my guts trying to fix 30 years of vit b deficiency.

got my GI MAP results back and saw the doc abt them and if I had candida I don't anymore (yay?) instead I've got massive STAPH and unsurprisingly, strep overgrowth and next to no good bacteria. and a lot of bleeding.

Weirdly, the things I've been taking for candida like undecylenic acid and oregano oil have been improving symptoms like joint and gut pain, and cystitis. Not sure how or why that's working, I expect there's some kind of suppressing effect on the other problem microbes that cause inflammation.

But I'm also experiencing an uptick in all of those symptoms and I'm not sure why. I have been experimenting with more histamine-heavy foods, which I am gonna stop doing. I have been exercising more (read: physical therapy 40 min 2x per week and walks).

I need to focus on eating more. I've figured out how to stay out of ketosis while maintaining the medical diet I'm following.

It's hard to like, know I need to Experience Symptoms to track down wtf is going on, but it's also really fucking painful and exhausting to experience symptoms. So I took some ibuprofen today to see if that touches anything. I think I'm going to give myself a break and order some food for lunch.

on the plus side of things I dyed my hair last night and also the various medicated shampoos in combination with JVN products seem to be working well! I'm really happy with how it turned out, and the henna darkened overnight from copper to a burnt orange. I was hoping for a deeper red but I can live with this. Will probably order a different kind next time tho. If you're gullible it almost looks like a natural color and idk if I can abide by that lol

#text #chronic illness

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authortobenamedlater · 10 months

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Somewhere I said I was going to do an MWAS infodump after Sabezra DinBo week. Here’s one I’ve been pecking at for awhile. This is how we got the divorce fight flashback scene in For Better Or Worse. I want to write this fic but it might be too exhausting, LOL. I still want it documented though because it’s an important part of this bonkers AU my brain wrote for me.

The Great Not-Divorce, otherwise known as what happens when you need a good angsty headcanon and have acquired too much secondhand aviation knowledge from your husband:

Around the 10 year mark is when we have the divorce fight in For Better Or Worse. Tom and Chyler have been stationed apart for about a year and while neither of them is the picture of mental health, Tom has gotten BAD. He’s been in survival mode for awhile now and the physical distance between him and Chyler isn’t helping. Chyler is increasingly unhappy, but Tom doesn’t have the brain space to really hear it.

I’m not sure what capital-S Stupid thing Tom did that pushed Chyler over the edge. Something worse than “forgot her birthday” and not as egregious as “hopped into bed with someone else.” Whatever he did, Chyler sends the decree of divorce with no warning—and right before her ship makes a slipspace jump and Tom can’t talk to her for a few days. Yeah, not her best move. Tom wakes up, sees the message, is completely blindsided, and immediately has to report for duty.

A couple of hours later, the CAG chews Tom out for doing something dumb on a training run and Tom tells him what happened. CAG grounds him for “however long it takes to get your head on straight” and tells Tom “if you love this woman, you fight. You dig in your heels and fight like mad for her.”

Tom has another day and a half to brood over this before he finally gets in touch with Chyler. He rightly unloads on her for unilaterally deciding their marriage was over AND sending the divorce papers when she knew they’d be on a communication blackout for three days. That’s the flashback scene, which in its own fic would end with Tom asking Chyler for another day to think about everything. Chyler isn’t pleased, but she relents since she can’t exactly force him to sign from where she is. Plus, she’s more hopeful than she wants to admit that Tom showed some fight.

Later that day Tom gets a call from the ship psychologist/counselor and my secondhand aviation knowhow becomes a headcanon. That yearly aviator physical last week? Well, the flight surgeon is concerned enough about Tom’s mental state to alert the chief medical officer, who alerted the psychologist. She thinks the flight surgeon is right to be worried and shows Tom a laundry list of the doc’s observations.

Tom’s not deluded about what this means. He’s on thin ice with his medical due to his cryo allergy (which is stupid by the way but that’s another topic) and any diagnosed mental health condition, never mind treatment for the same, is an automatic revocation. @mrtobenamedlater can elaborate on this but flight medicals are STRICT.

This would also DQ Lasky from any line officer position in real life, I have to think, but I gotta use what Halo gave me here.

Now comes a hard part in the story: A guy with the emotional intelligence of a brick (at this point in his life, anyway) has to have a lightbulb moment about mental health and not sound like he’s trying to ace therapy. Tom is not OK. He hasn’t been for a long time. He thinks he’s coping with everything just fine because he’s not drinking or smoking or getting high, but the counselor gets him to see that adrenaline/thrills/risk-taking is his drug of choice. That almost got someone killed yesterday and it’s about to cost him his marriage.

After this Tom goes back to his cabin and his oblivious roommate starts talking about how his brother is about to get medically discharged. Tom is REALLY not in the mood for this until Roommate says “He’s a nav officer on Kenaitze. Chyler might know him.”

Tom has an epiphany and runs to beg, plead, bribe someone, whatever it takes to get an immediate transfer to fill that vacant navigator position. He gets all the paperwork drawn up. Tom just wants it held until he can talk to Chyler.

The next day Tom spills everything to Chyler. He’s a mess. He loves flying, but it’s eating him alive. He’s been under the radar for awhile but the people holding his medical are onto him. If he admits defeat now, he can still have a say over what he does next. All he has to do is sign on the X, if Chyler will still have him.

Chyler keeps saying there must be another way, but there isn’t. Tom’s flying days are done. Even if they weren’t, he wouldn’t choose his wings over his wife. He’s been doing that all year and look where it got them. He’s absolutely sick that he hurt Chyler so badly she thought divorce was her only option. They both know that’s not really what she wants. Don’t they deserve another chance?

We all know how this goes. Though what exactly happens in the 10-12 years between this point and Reach isn’t hammered out yet. Tom and Chyler struggle a lot still during that time, and still do even by the time we drop into the meat of this AU right after Halo 4. They both have a LOT of trauma and personal challenges even before Forward Into Dawn. The life they have chosen is not suited to stable relationships. But, at the end of the day, Tom and Chyler love each other. Like, a lot. It’s disgusting, really. I invented them and I think they’re disgusting. Their combined willpower might be the only thing holding them together sometimes, but it’s enough.

Besides, divorce is a lot of paperwork. And if there’s one thing Captain Lasky hates, it’s paperwork.

That, however, is another headcanon.

#halo #fanfiction #married with a supercarrier au #thomas lasky x chyler silva #halo fic #halo 4 forward unto dawn #forward unto dawn

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vtforpedro · 1 year

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update- TWs in tags

Thank you all very much for your replies to my last post. I’ve had zero energy this past week and yesterday was a very hard day. Got my decision in the mail and wow, they sure are long. It’s not good, folks!!! Not good at all. This guy is an SSA shill and I’m flabbergasted. Hopefully my attorney gets back to me next week asap because not only do I have grounds for an appeal, I believe I’ve been denied my rights by law. Some highlights from his decision. They’re very painful to read and my case manager way back in November of 2021 said that they love to tell people they’re disabled but here’s why you can work. Basically what this dude did but I’m seriously confused and angry. I think it also speaks to the type of person and biases he has. -I meet the disability insurance thing, as in he considers my record to start back in October 2015, which is how my attorney laid it out. And it’s true because that’s the last time I was able to work. -I am severely limited and cannot perform the work I once did. The work I once did was, uh, retail/customer service, and a ‘stay at home’ job if you will by being a caregiver to a veteran (my ex). -My disabilities as the SSA listed them: chiari malformation, leukemia, major depressive disorder recurrent, severe, PTSD w/dissociative affects, headache, s1 radiculopathy (nerve damage), and idiopathic intracranial hypertension (IIH, my number one enemy) -Chiari and leukemia aren’t considered disabilities, which I knew they wouldn’t be. I’m in remission and people often work with debilitating cancers even tho they should absolutely not have to. Let’s begin with what he got wrong lol -He dates that I got an EMG done in March of 2022 before the lumbar puncture. I did not get an EMG until September of 2022. The LP was in April of 2022. -Nerve damage. I have zero evidence of nerve damage in my medical record, according to him. Zero. I do not have a single symptom to suggest nerve damage and I need at least one from both ‘categories’ the SSA lists. But I have none. I was bedbound for eight months because of nerve damage. I had noted swelling (with pictures) of my paraspinal muscles which might have contributed. I had an EMG because of nerve pain. My dr ordered an EMG because of nerve pain. Shooting pain down my leg and numbness/tingling. Also the severe pain in my lower back causing me to not be able to sit up or walk without excruciating pain 💀 I was referred by my neuro to a pain specialist who really wanted to do steroid shots in my lumbar region FOR NERVE PAIN. I was in physical therapy for months to relearn how to like walk and sit up but also for NERVE PAIN. Legit have no words. It’s noted in my neuro’s and his PA’s file about the radiculopathy explaining what happened to me finally. Hhhhhh. -MDD/PTSD/suicidal ideation. I have extensive medical records going back to 2015--NPs, therapists, my psychiatrist, and the neuro psych eval I had in Sept of 2021 + more since. The eval is one of my most important medical documents. He said the medical evidence did not support major depression/anxiety/PTSD for 2+ years with no improvement, which is not factual. My medical records from my NP in 2015-2017 show how many medications I was on that did not work. How long I was in therapy because it did not work. My current psychiatrist is on my side and tells me every time I see him that I’ve been on everything and we’re limited lol I believe this summer I will be with him for two years alone. The judge notes I have no medical evidence of panic attacks despite them being listed in my medical record. At most of these places. Again. Plus the ER at the very beginning discuss panic attacks. This man read my neuro psych eval where she diagnosed me with those MH disorders (beyond already being diagnosed elsewhere). This is an intimately personal document because it details a SA that occurred in 2012 plus the abuse my ex put me through for 2yrs, which made me unable to work starting in 2015. She noted high concern for my well being as my suicidal ideation is, uh, high lmao and the effects of PTSD from multiple traumatic things. He said there is no evidence in my medical record beyond a depressive and anxious mood which do not fit the bill for MH disabilities. He completely ignored the neuro psych eval (and everything else) so I think that speaks volumes of the type of person he is. -IIH. This is where I get very angry. He lists it as something I was diagnosed with and it was in consideration, yet he completely fails to consider it. He considered ‘headaches’. Not IIH, not multi-feature chronic migraines that are well documented, not the recommended brain shunt by my neurosurgeon if pressure was high, which it was. He is, by SSA law, supposed to argue for/against the conditions listed. He didn’t. -Allegations. He says that the “allegations” I have made don’t completely match my medical records by, like, existing or severity. Except the things that he says I alleged but are not supported are because of IIH. Which he had plenty of medical evidence of + the burden of deciding I meet criteria for disability is on the SSA at this point. He has to by law complete my medical record himself once it goes to him (almost a year ago) so he has the entire picture to make an accurate and fair judgment. He says I allege symptoms not endorsed by medical record but they are symptoms of IIH lmao -He implies I lied (”allegations”). He said that in my records it has been noted I stopped driving once all this happened (dec 2019) and have not driven since. It is noted *everywhere*. But he says that I indicated I drove one (1) time in December 2021. Obviously, this is not true and I have no idea where he got this from. My mom was pissed because she has driven me everywhere for 3+ yrs lmao I have a feeling someone misheard me say dec 2019 for dec 2021, so the judge thinks this makes me a liar. He completely ignored the vocational expert’s testimony in the opposite way I have read happens--narrowing me down to 1 job, then 0, but deciding himself I could perform jobs like ‘mail clerk, router, or marker’ whatever the fuck those last two are. A dr who reviewed my case (I didn’t even know they did lkafaja) said I could only have occasional interactions with people. The judge said that he felt that was not true and increased it to frequent. I don’t trust people. At all. I never want to make friends irl again because it feels way too fucking vulnerable. This is in my medical records. Anyway. I truly believe I have grounds for an appeal b/c of mistakes he made and I hope my attorney agrees with that. The judge is not supposed to fuck up dates or ignore medical evidence entirely in his judgment. BY LAW. Angry, hurt, tired. Why does this keep happening to me lol why can one thing not go right but instead everything always gets worse. I feel like I try to put good out into the world when I can but it spits on me in return. I want to give up.

#vtforpedro personal #vtforpedro medical #mentioned abuse and SA noted by a medical record #mental health stuff re disability decision #does anyone know disability law lol #in the great us of a #i'm so tired

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why-its-kai · 5 months

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I only say this with the best intentions but have you considered staying on a mental health facility for a while? It can really help get you back on your feet and have some sense of schedule and organization in your life for a bit. Plus medication and therapy.. Sometimes we need a more aggressive intervention on our lives y'know? And that's also fine..

respectfully my worst fear is to be institutionalized so a mental health facility sounds utterly terrifying. completely disruptive of my life and routine. changes. control imposed over me. lack of privacy. out of my personal space and somewhere unfamiliar. who will take care of my cat. etc. etc. etc. no thank you.

i am on medication, i do see a therapist weekly, i am SUPPOSED to be getting services to help me find employment but having a pisspoor experience with even communicating with them so that's been frustrating bc i WANT TO FUCKING WORK BUT I NEED HELP, but my neighbors at this apartment have become increasingly loud/pot smelling the building its sensory hell and that's chipping away at me on top of the everything else thats stressing me out, and ofc it's december/winter so my mental state is in total disarray regardless lmao. anyways therapist is helping me work on shit it's just i come here to complain and whine bc ive got no one irl around daily to unload this. i can't keep it bottled inside or i spiral more and more like i gottta yell in the void sometimes about how its annoying how my brain works and strugglings annoying and idk. i am getting help even tho it seems like i am not and just falling apart as a total disaster wreck trash fire who needs to be institutionalized i guess idk XD im sure you came here with good intention anon but like. i'm sorry that's literally something i'm terrified of. i already feel like i'm not in control of my life last thing i want is to lose that last bit of it by getting put away regardless of if i willingly went or sent forcibly lol

#anon

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elektroyu · 6 months

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Health logistics stuff under the cut

Sooo my psychiatrist (where I get my sick leave slips) would like me to get into some sort of psychosomatic clinic, or if I don't want that, at least would like me to do some sort of ambulant psychotherapy. I definitely don't want to do the former because I don't see how that would NOT crush what little bit of energy I still have.

You see, I like being able to dress myself, make myself meals, get myself some tea or water when needed, get groceries like once a week etc etc, and I also like being able to do a little bit of creative work for a little bit of extra cash here and there, and care for my pets myself, even though all of those things juuuust barely are what I can manage on my own. But I CAN still manage that on my own somehow.

Now if you add anything on top of that, even just a little chill birthday party with closest family or a doc or vet appointment, the scales already begin to tip and I need to adjust my routine to get lots of extra rest for a couple days. Or extra weeks if it's bad.

That said, to be thrown into a whole new environment with all the unfamiliar stimuli that would need extra processing from the brain, completely different routines that don't take into account the pacing needs of someone with ME/CFS, potential logistics issues if you can walk only short distances for limited amounts per day with breaks in between for like 3 hours, also with it's new people - especially medical personnel which may or may not know what ME/CFS is and thus may or may not know what pacing in that context means plus the potential catastrophic consequences of pushing such a patient over what they're able to do, which thus may or may not result in having to get into arguments with them about my safety - I honestly don't see me benefitting at all from such an arrangement. So I'll refuse that however I can. It's simply not an option. I want to continue being able to care for myself as much as possible.

That leaves me with normal ambulant psychotherapy. Which in theory? I don't mind doing it, I'm actually having fun exploring myself and working on myself to get better at life, so from that point of view - sure, bring it on! But even that is difficult for me to do, because even back when I was much better than I'm now this was already taking a toll on me if it was every week. Every 2 weeks was better, but still hard to do. And then there's the question of how do I even get there regularly? I definitely can't pay for taxis each week 😂 but I also can't use public transport because I'd need to walk further than I'm able to without worsening my symptoms. Now usually my sister drives me to appointments, or at least she used to. But now her working schedule changed and she doesn't have the time anymore to drive me somewhere each week (not to mention, she has her own life lol). I do have that scooter mobility aid, but that's not reliable enough because it's not weatherproof 🙄 it's only made for dry days lol and I paid for that thing on my own so if it breaks I'm simply fucked (and idk if I'm physically even able to use it for longer distances in the first place - never got to try that out because never had the spoons left; works great on short distances if the weather allows though).

So what does that leave me with? Idk tbh. At the end of the month I have another appointment at the psychiatrist, but it's a substitute doc again I think, so idk how helpful they can be. We'll see, I guess. 🤷

Then there's the question of: cognitive behavioral therapy or depth psychological therapy? Which would be better in my case (ignoring the logistics issues)?

#idek why they want me to do this in the first place if they themselves think it might be #ME/CFS #although they def don't seem to understand the implications of that from what they told before #that such psychotherapy or even a clinic 'won't hurt in any case'#but I think they absolutely can hurt if you have PEM/PENE and I absolutely do have that #tbh I just hope everything will get sorted out in a way that leaves me able to do what little I'm currently able to do #anything less and I not only would have to rehome all of my pets which I obv don't want #especially since they're all seniors already #but in case I'm not able to care for myself anymore what then?#who will take care of me??#idk man #I don't even want to think about that #health #fingers crossed it all works out #🥲🤞

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asexual-means-no-attraction · 2 years

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i dont know where else to do for thie but do you need to be on HRT to have ftm SRS ? i dont really want to get on hrt because i dont really feel dysphoric over many of the things it changes that i couldn't go to the gym or take voice lessons over so the risks aren't worth it plus im scared of needles BUT i desperately want top and bottom surgery and i dont know if its possible to get those without being on hrt… im pretty sure top surgery is but i don't know much about bottom surgery in general to begin with.. i just turned 18 and i didnt have supportive parents so it's only now that im in control of my own medical shit that i get to think about this stuff. sorry if this makes no sense

Stuff to know about medically transitioning to male:

-its not a race. You don't need to rush into anything. Take your time to feel comfortable with each choice towards your transition.

-its not a contest. You don't need to do every possible thing in order to be male. The important thing is becoming more happy and comfortable in your body.

Types of hormone replacement therapy (hrt):

-testosterone isn't a trans men exclusive thing. There's a lotta cis men and such who take it too.

-it is however, a controlled substance. You need to be careful about cross contamination.

-the most common method of taking hrt is through injections. These needles usually go in your thigh and you can do it every week or every other week. The effects occur more quickly than other types, however there is a bit more of a dip around the end of your cycle- especially if you do it every other week. This dip can be felt, but it poses no actual issues. It's just like a bit of a hormone drop, you'll be fine.

-if you don't like needles you can also do gel packs. I did these for 2 years and they're very easy to do. You simply rub the gel on your upper arm and let it dry. The medicine is absorbed through your skin. There is no dip with the gel medication, but it does take longer when you first start for effects to start being noticable. It also dries out your skin.

-there's also technically a patch thing that you can put under your tongue. But they don't suggest it cuz it fucks up your liver. If you don't like needles, just do the gel. It works just as well as needles.

What does HRT do for trans men:

-you're voice will lower (it'll get squeaky like a teenage boy first tho), you'll get a lot more hair, possible receding hair line on your head, a lot more sweaty, gain more muscle mass, a lot of hair (butt hair is no joke), acne (this dies down after a year or so), fat distribution, being unable to sing because your voice dropped and you're trying to hit pitches you can't anymore lol, facial hair (look at biologically related men in your family to get an idea of how it'll likely grow), taste buds might change, when you first start your emotions are gonna fluctuate (once your hormones balance out this will die down), increased sex drive, (trigger for nsfw) your clit will grow and become more sensitive, periods stop within 3-6 months normally (might take longer), reduced fertility, increased chance of certain medical conditions (ex: high blood pressure or heart attacks), easier to gain and lose weight, etc.

-always take ONLY the amount prescribed. Not enough testosterone and you won't see an effect, and too much testosterone will be changed into estrogen by your body. You can't take more because you missed a dose, or double up on anything.

How top surgery works:

-this surgery doesn't take long, but has a month long recovery minimum, with everything being completely done around the 6 months mark normally.

-in non medical terms, they take off your boobs, cut off excess skin, sew you back up in a way that looks like a male body, and put on nipple grafts that take a good long while to finally look ok.

-its actually not bad at all. I had no issues with my top surgery. Recovery was easy enough. And over a year later I look great.

-you do not need any HRT for top surgery. Testosterone has no effect on the results or actual procedure. So no worries there.

-downside is really just the lack of sensation around your chest for a while. It does come back. Some people report never feeling their nipples again, some report being able to after a year or so. It is dependent on the person, not the quality of the operation.

How bottom surgery works:

- this one is a lot more complicated involving multiple surgeries and much longer recovery processes.

-in non medical terms (trigger for nsfw), for the first surgery they extend your clit and urethra so you can pee out your clit like a dick. This is still smaller than the average dick and can't be used for penetration. You can get another surgery to make your dick bigger (involving a skin graft) as well as a surgery to get balls. Types and sizes of dick can vary.

-downsides are the recovery times and the time it can take to gain back sensation. Some people report never getting feeling back down there, or not as much as they had before surgery. However, the regret is very low for those who get it. Most people are very happy with the results.

-you do need to be on HRT in order to get bottom surgery. I believe it's for 2 years? You need to have your (trigger again) clit growth for a while in order for them to make it work.

How to start the medical process:

-research what's available in your area and talk to your doctor about getting a referral. It might be more complicated depending on where you live but that's really how you start.

-ask questions. Ask as many questions as you need to your doctor(s) about what everything will do.

-get a therapist. Most places will require a therapist letter in order to start medically transitioning.

-look up photos of results of everything.

-take your time

-you'll be ok. It's ok to be nervous, it's ok to be unsure. That's why you ask questions and you research to make sure you're comfortable with your choice. You'll be alright, it just takes time. You'll get there, I promise.

-good luck, and feel free to ask me for more info on anything.

#answered #ask #not discourse #trans #transgender #ftm #trans male #hrt #tips #advice #medically transitioning

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brunchbitch · 1 year

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Update of sorts

Just got through my first week of classes (second to last semester!) and I’m not crazy about 2 out of 3 professors, but oh well. All of them seem like hard asses and tough graders so that’ll be interesting. I’m jealous that so many of my classmates are graduating in May but the trade off was a much more manageable fall schedule. Idk.

I’ve been doing well-ish with cutting down on weed. A couple weeks ago right after the new year I tried to go back to my schedule of no weed during the week (well… really just Tuesday through Thursday lmao) but I had AWFUL trauma dreams and it really affected my mood. So last week I didn’t do as well, though definitely less smoking in the week. This week I took edibles Tuesday night bc I wanted to make sure I would sleep well before my internship, but I didn’t have anything Wednesday or Thursday night. I had some fucked up weird dreams for sure BUT they weren’t directly trauma related so definitely easier to handle. It’s definitely an ongoing challenge but I’m hoping I’ll get used to this schedule and it’ll just become second nature.

Therapy with B is good - we’re now switching to every other week! NEVER thought I wouldn’t be in weekly therapy!! I was worried my behaviors would escalate bc I’m scared of “getting better” and being seen as not sick, but so far so good and it’s helpful to be aware of it.

My parents are coming out next weekend and my mom and I are going wedding dress shopping!!!! Crazy!!!! But we still have 554 days until the wedding so I have plenty of time. This will be more to get a sense of what styles/silhouettes I like. It’s gonna be surreal to look in the mirror with a wedding dress on. Hoping my mom isn’t too opinionated if we disagree lol.

I can’t remember if I have said this on here yet but A and I have decided to move to Seattle in august! I’m soooo excited but also nervous to be close to my family again. A also feels conflicted about it but we’ll take it one day at a time and it doesn’t necessarily need to be permanent. It feels a little silly career wise to leave Boston which is a city with such amazing hospitals and go to Seattle which has one level one trauma center, but I might want to work in a specialized outpatient clinic anyway. I would NOT want to work in an ED so maybe it doesn’t really matter. I think it would be really cool to be a medical social worker in an outpatient cancer clinic working with young adults, though I know that’s very specific and I’m not sure exactly what’s available out there. I’ve started to look at jobs just to get a sense, but obviously I’ll have to study for and pass my licensing exam first. I would love to take more Spanish classes while I’m working on that. I miss it!

Overall things are really good. I keep waiting for shit to hit the fan but idk… weed plus A plus a meaningful internship (last year too) has led to such a long period of stability (well long for me lol). A and I were talking about how at the end of this decade he will be 43 (!!!) and I’ll be 39. I started thinking about my life seven years ago at 24 and it feels like I was a completely different person. I would’ve laughed in your face if you told me I would be where I am today. Idk. It’s weird. I worry that one day I’ll relapse with my depression bc I genuinely feel… happy? So it’s kind of easier to not use behaviors. But if I felt depressed and hopeless, things might be very different. I guess I have to remind myself to take it one day at a time.

Edit: I also started on propranolol a couple months ago and WOW has it made a difference in my anxiety especially at my internship. I feel like I’ve worked really hard to work on the mental distortions, but the physical aspect of the anxiety has just been so tricky. After taking neurobiology last summer, I really am recognizing that trauma can have such long term effects on your body.

#update #personal #a #b #therapy #recovery #trauma recovery #bpd recovery #cptsd #cptsd recovery

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lake-cosay · 2 years

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my mom watches a lot of cop shows and emergency/medical dramas and shit and i end up watching a lot with her and my brain likes the serialized stories so it gets me going with ideas (including one of my stories i've been too awkard to share like. at all lol) and i keep thinking about all these AUs ive had bouncing around for a while and i WANT to write them (as in like. outline writing,) but most of them would need to have like a shit ton of legal bullshit like court and whatever the fuck to make sense and my god i could not fucking care less. i hate court scenes but i dont wanna just. write it off??? ugh.

like i know part of it is my brain is way too obssessed with being "believable" when i'm writing an au for a cartoon about an eldritch therapy train but STILL. yknow what i mean?

also also i feel weirdly guilty for writing that kind of stuff? i don't know why but i have it in my brain that wanting to write about someone getting in an accident and being in the hospital or some shit is like, evil and a sign that i need Serious Mental Help which is SO stupid because if that were true we wouldn't have yknow. ANY of the plethora of procedural shows that definitely are watched by LOTS of people. plus the fact that the logical part of my brain says yknow, those kinds of stories often educate ppl about various things, like spreading awareness of diseases and disabilities and stuff and they're also often cautionary tales, not to mention they can be very cathartic

basically what im trying to say is i have lots of ideas i wanna write about but i get my head stuck up my own ass all the time and i just get so stuck there. so. yeah? i dont know how much of this makes sense and yes i'm making some broad generalizations here. but like does anyone else struggle with this??? i have no idea why it happens or how to work past it

like i'll survive yknow ultimately its not that big of a deal but it's just frustrating and i wanted to get it out cause i really haven't talked to anyone abt it

#sorry for the semi-rant #maybe i'll post smthn abt that one story i mentioned cause ive worked on it a LOT and its pretty angsty and i know u guys love angst #ghost.text

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the-sappho-of-lesbos · 2 years

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CW medication talk -

So the psychiatrist I’m seeing here has given me Clonidine (super small amount just 100mcg). Which I was shocked by it’s for my OCD and I know people use it for ADHD and that ADHD medication can make OCD symptoms worse (at least from what I’ve been told)

She said it would help with like the somatic symptoms (tingling, tight chest etc). But like I’m feeling those two things right now. I think all it’s doing is making me dead tired. Which I already am lol. I think I’ve been having it every night while here so far. But I don’t think it’s the type of medication I want to be having every night.

I think it’s the type of medication I want to be having as a response to a big OCD episode - not a preventative. Plus my teeth have been killing me. I don’t know if that’s because I’m clenching or because of the medication though.

She did offer me another medication for my OCD but I didn’t feel comfortable with the potential side effects so it’s a no on that one lol. I think I just need to focus on intensive therapy for my OCD because with my reluctance to deal with any potential weight gain I don’t really have a lot of medication options. Which is completely my bad but still lol.

#but god does this knock me out #I sleep a lot as it is #now I’m just sleepy and feeling anxious at the same time #it’s a weird feeling #personal #tw ed #tw medication #trigger warning

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ppprimary · 3 months

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Do tell me how the investigation goes if you feel comfortable enough with doing so! Tbh I want to get “tested” for OCD because a close relative of mine has it and to be fair, I’ve been noticing some things in myself that might not be completely normal so yeah :)) life is life ig lol

Waaaa, I absolutely love your pull they are so cool!! I could’ve killed for a Seonghwa PC from this album LOL and the ot8 postcard too ㅠㅠ love them. I got two Mingi, one Yunho and one San PC and the San/Yeosang/Hongjoong postcard because I bought the Diary version haha. (i always buy that because usually my biases are paired up in it and with the outlaw one I was the luckiest bitch as I pulled the Mingi+Hwa one, a Mingi single one and got a Seonghwa PC in plus like I was in heaven; this time I was aiming for the Yungi postcard ㅠㅠ but I’m not complaining lol since I pulled Yungi PC’s hehet) ~B. 🫶🏻

Ps. I have one brazilian friend whom I met on here maaany years ago, I’m hungarian myself 😌

Of course, I'll update you! I talked abt it with me therapyst but she kinda brushed over so I'm tempted to talk to her again the next session and tell her that I'll look for other specialists for seconds and thirds opinions. I feel like it is, but I'm not sure? I have treatment for other stuff going on and since then a lot of the bpd symptoms have been kinda dormant and my current medication could help w bpd but I'd need the proper therapy fot it, which I currently do not have so it's a whole thing, it's complicated idk idk. also! my mom has ocd too so I know that it can be hard, well I dont know know but I 'know'? ANYWAY hope we both get better LMAO

righttttt I'm pretty happy w my pull too! I dont really have one bias so I'd literally be happy w anything lol this is like my second album ever, the first one was EXID's X for their tenth anniversary so I was like 'cmon, it's special I gotta buy' and that kinda open the gates for more kpop stuff, next I was buying tickets for the ateez concert in brazil <3 sorry I keep getting distracted and missing the point, but yeah, I totally wanted to buy one of each version but with all of the taxes, one album ended up being half of my salary so I just got the one I liked the previews the most <3

man I love tumblr, meeting ppl from another continent is THAT easy?

#im v afraid of rejection so i dont make a lot of friends but the ones i do i hold dearly to my heart #i have like one tumblr friend from the uk #we migrated to instagram bc she deactivated here #we dont talk much but we're still on each others close friends on insta #the fact that i post mostly in pt doesnt help either #sorry morgan lmao

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mossappreci8or · 3 months

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just in case it’s relevant or useful to any anxiety havers, I tried out the DARE method (which comes with a lot of emphatic praise online) and while it has been helpful it’s also definitely just ACT/DBT reframed by Kinda Just Some Guy and sold as a self-help product. it’s most helpful for dealing with irrational physical anxiety/panic disorder but not for trying to cope with immediate, rational concerns like financial trouble or major life changes. I think the writing works best for people who don’t connect with “spiritual” frameworks for mindfulness but also don’t want to read a textbook. it does come with a lot of self-helpisms like claiming to be The Quickest Method To Healing but if you can get around that there’s at least some meat on the bone. just get the book for free online, the workbook is a waste of paper (there are seriously like 10 “work” pages in the whole thing, being extremely generous, and also it’s especially condescending). there’s an app too but if you’re not gonna listen to the daily podcast or whatever you’re paying a subscription for access to clips from the audiobook arranged by subject plus a mood tracker.

it boils down to learning how to put up with and embrace physical symptoms for long enough to acclimate your body, proving to yourself over and over again that you’re not in actual danger until your body stops sounding the alarm for every little sensation you become aware of. it’s exposure therapy. you’ll get the best results if you’ve recently seen a doctor just to rule out any other causes for your symptoms, and you have to trust their judgement. I don’t really think anyone should use this method without also trying medication and talk therapy so you’re not just completely raw dogging panic attacks with tools you haven’t really honed yet and only a book (and other anxious people) as guidance. it sucks ass and feels very wrong to do at first so you really will need someone else to reassure you that it’ll be worth it and you’re not hurting yourself. however you are purposely making things worse so they can get better later and that’s really not a self-help tier thing to do imo. I wouldn’t exactly recommend DARE in particular but if you don’t have access to ACT/DBT programs and really need to address debilitating symptoms right now you could certainly do worse. someone else has probably done better but this is the one I found lol

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curejiraiya · 5 months

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I don't usually like to headcanon more modern things into a story that are unrealistic to happen, at least not on a public post lol. like ik the average teenager in Japan 10 years ago isn't getting therapy as an option for their ailments I know that, but god idk I have to headcanon that both Hiro and Kouji get therapy between Rainbow Live and King of Prism they needed it so so so bad.

Kouji really needs to unpack how learning about how his father actually died and how the responsibilities of an adult were thrust on him when he was only a child caused him to distance himself mentally from everyone and everything, allowed insane depression to develop, and caused his self esteem to tank. like he got FUCKED up rightfully so by his dads death, did not grieve correctly, and then he's thrown even more information about it again when he's only like 15. That would literally make someone grieve again, he needs to talk to a professional and I think he does.

and fuck Hiro has so much to unpack. it's so much he needed to be in therapy by the age of 3. but specifically in the time gap he needed to work on his self esteem (he doesn't do this) but also his depression. like no I understand why he loses heart and motivation once Kazuki breaks his pride and snaps him to reality. But man, he has the eyes of a broken person. You don't just shift from broken and unable to function to completely normal overnight, there's a lasting impression even when things do get better. I think he got help getting back to normal. plus all the other problems he needs to unpack, his mom, his past, fuck his EVERYTHING.

Idk that man needs medication it would help him so so much and I think it does! I think that's how he gets better; a solid support group and medical help. there's my headcanon. Same with Kouji, like he has the strength to go to America and help and not shut down completely when something is going wrong because he got on medication and got help.

I also think like they continue this treatment lol, maybe when they're actually adults and not teenage adults they could look internally and decide if they still need help, and Kouji probably wouldn't anymore but Hiro's problems are lifelong. but through out Pride the Hero they're definitely still in therapy and on meds, or like at least had to pause their treatment for the plot of that movie and go back to it after.

actually this is my headcanon I can just say what I think happened. I think Kouji stops cuz he's in fucking America I don't think it's realistic to expect someone to see a therapist in a country they do not live in when they're like on a visa. that's what he is on right like he's 17 and he's on a work visa. do they even do that? google says there's no age limit so that's fine. but (even though his reaction is perfect I would not change a THING) I think it has him emotionally distancing himself again. like he puts it on himself to take this huge burden of raising money to save the school. he feels like he HAS to do this, which is true lol but he doesn't ask for help or mourn the loss of the fucking end of his senior year in highschool he just accepts it and goes to America. I feel like he probably wasn't doing very mentally well during that bit of his life lol and to be taken away (literally by being in a different country) from his mental health care would compound that issue. yeah. meanwhile I feel like Hiro is kinda a dope right, he probably still is in therapy throughout pride the hero because he doesn't really have a reason not to be, I just think he's probably not talking about anything important (I did this irl when I was slightly younger then he was in this movie so maybe this is a projection thing). like Hiro's like "hello therapist! today we will talk about the stress I feel when I think about this one specific and inconsequential piece of my childhood, and not idk my entire world crumbling down before me because of some distance between me and the man I like." like he's not emotionally mature enough to address the real problems he's facing yet, because unlike when he got therapy after Rainbow Live the problems aren't over.

but like that doesn't say anything about their characters idk I think it takes a LOT of strength to say "hey I need help" like THAT'S where they grew after Rainbow Live. they grew so much that they got the strength to be able to ask for help. they matured enough to realize they needed it, and to realize that no adult was going to do it for them.

idk I mean this actually isn't a crazy headcanon lmfao but I don't post headcanons usually cuz I'm scared people will make fun of my opinions ;-; but but this is an important one to meeeee these two boys need help! and I think they get it. they deserve to get it

#ramblings #king of prism #hayami hiro #mihama kouji #headcanons #dominic fucking proofread your post holy shit??????? this is UNREADABLE #DOMINIC THE GRAMMER GO BACK AND FIX IT #DONT HIT POST BEFORE YOU FIX IT NOOOOOOOO

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