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lizzyk137 · 1 year

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Baby's Secret- An Agent Gibbs Fic (Gibbs X Reader)

Description: After keeping your relationship a secret, what will it take for Gibbs to admit your his. Warnings: Mentions of bombings, swearing, hospital, fluff

(Part One) Want to read more, visit my Masterlist!

Dinner at Gibbs place was great, and it certainly wasn't food you both were devouring.

The next few months kept you busy with new cases, therapy sessions and at-home date with Gibbs. Gibbs wasn't one to leave his house much when he was home from work. He was stubborn, stating he goes out enough at work that he doesn't need to on his days off, and he stays with that statement no matter how much you try to change his mind.

Now you didn't mind staying home with Gibbs. It was relaxing and brought a calm over you that you needed after a stressful job, plus, some of the activities were very entertaining. But you wanted more.

As time went on, and your relationship stayed a secret from the team, due to Gibbs breaking one of his own rules, you were starting to get irritated that it didn't seem like he wanted people to know about you. On cases he always stayed a far enough distance away from you so no one could assume and reserved to checking on you when you were out of work when you got hurt. He also never expressed how he felt about you. He was a man of few words and you could feel that he cared about you when you were alone but you also know that things could be very much different as they were presented to you. And as good as he made you feel, he also equally was hurting you.

"Where are you going?" He asked six months into your relationship. It was a quiet Sunday morning, and it was gorgeous out, so you thought of going out and enjoying it.

"I'm going to the farmers market with Tim." You had answered back as you grabbed your purse and a reusable bag.

"McGee?" You could hear him getting up from his chair.

You turned around to meet his eyes, "Yes McGee, we always go to the farmers market on our days off."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. We've been doing it for the last year." You laughed.

"Oh." You walked up to him and gave him a peck on the lips, hoping his scowl would wipe away from his face, but it stayed.

"I'll be back in a few hours. See you!"

You didn't realize that day would leave to you two having to expose the very secret Gibbs had hidden for months.

"Y/N, look at this!" McGee was holding up a poster for an old video game.

"Wow, twenty dollars? I don't know if it's a steal or a rip-off." You laughed as he handed you the framed poster and reached into his wallet for cash. He paid the merchant and grabbed the poster back.

"Defiently a steal for me, the starting price online for this is $100. So where to next, Y/N?"

"There is a cute little stall selling plushies that I was eyeing, if that's okay?" He nodded, and let you lead.

You headed over to the stall when you felt a pair of eyes on you in the crowd. You scanned the area but didn't seem to find anyone out of the ordinary. You reached your stall, and you and Tim were checking out the plushies when you felt the same feeling as before on you.

"Tim, I think someone is watching us." You whispered as you held up a small plush bat.

"Really?"

You showed him the plush bat, "Yeah, while we were walking over here and now. No one seems out of the ordinary. I might just be paranoid. What do you think for Abbie?"

He nodded, and you held the bat in your arms. "I'll keep an eye out." You nodded back to him and grabbed a cute orange kitten plush.

"I think I want this!" You smiled up at him, trying to make the air a bit lighter.

His lips morphed into a smile, "Well then, I guess we better get it. It's on me since you bought me coffee."

"Aw, Tim! That's sweet of you, thanks!" You showed the merchant your items and they tallied them up and you both paid. "Alright, I think it's lunch time!"

Tim stood next to you, looking around. "I feel it too. Lets head to another stall, I don't like this feeling of being watched.

"Sure." You took a step forward when you felt and heard a sudden blast behind you. Warm air hit you, shoving your body forwards as you flew through the air, body tumbling as soon as it touched back down to the ground. Wood flew everywhere around you, as you tried to get up to look at the damage, when you felt another blast from another stall besides you as the world grew black.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gibbs was frightened. He hadn't been this frightened in a long time. Two of his teammates were lying unconscious in the hospital from some lunatic setting of a bomb and your condition wasn't the greatest as he watched your heart monitor bounce around irregularly.

"Hey, boss." Tony's voice interrupted his thoughts. "McGee just woke up. The doctor is checking him over and once he's done, we can talk to him."

The doctor came out an hour later and let the team know they could go in to see their friend.

"Take your time but what happened, McGee?" Ziva asked.

"Everything was normal until we got to our last stall. Y/N said she felt like someone was watching us but she didn't see anyone, and neither did I. I felt it as we were leaving but it was too late." McGee looked worried as he explained what happened to Gibbs. "I didn't see anyone but if I had just suggested we leave right off then she wouldn't here."

"Hey, nothing could have stopped those bombs from going off." Tony said gently, seeing McGee getting worked up as his heart monitor started beeping louder.

"Bombs? There was more than one? I only remember one of them."

Ziva nodded, "There was two. One at the stall you went too and one that was behind it."

They eventually left McGee after calming him down, and headed back into the waiting room.

"Tony, see what Abby has on the bomb. Ziva, figure out what stalls McGee and Y/L/N visit every week this past year."

"Past year? McGee didn't say anything about the past-"

"Just do it, Ziva!" Gibbs barked out.

"On it."

Gibbs circled around back to your room and watched you lying there. "We'll get them for you. I won't stop until I catch those bastards. Wait for me just a little longer."

Gibbs didn't visit the hospital for the next few days as he stayed up going over every little detail they had and trying to discover new leads. You still had yet to wake up, which fueled him even more to find whoever did this to you.

"Gibbs, I found something." Abby said over the phone.

"I'll be down." He said and ended the call. "Abby has a something, let's go."

The elevators chimed and as he and the team stepped off and into Abby's lab. "Whatcha got, Abs?"

"I found something in the security cameras. The shop that Y/N went to every week was this one here," Abby pulled up the shop's logo on the screen, "it's a small business that sells stuffed animals. She had been eyeing this cat for weeks. With my findings on the surveillance and evidence from the bomb, it looked like whoever made the cat used it as a trigger. Once out of the safe zone, it set off both bombs. The second one was delayed due to the stall being moved slightly during set up." She showed a few slides of the stuffed cat, one that looked similar to her cat that had just past away, and then to a video display of how the bombs worked. "I did some more digging, and found that the maker for these stuffed animals come from a company located just out of D.C."

"We spoke with the shop keepers and they said they draw up the designs and then send them out to a group that then goes around to manufacturers." Tony said.

"Tony, Ziva, go to the factory and interview the workers."

"Wait! I can do you one better." Abby said. "I managed to hack into their surveillance cameras, courtesy of McGee, and found exactly who worked on the stuffed cats for our small business. He goes by the name, James Harrington." Abby hit a key on the keyboard pulling up his James' social media. "It looks like Y/N and him had gone out a few times but about six months ago they haven't communicated or gone out."

"Let's bring him in." Gibbs said through a clenched jaw.

Gibbs was pumped for the interrogation and with a bit of yelling and one slam of the desk, James was putty in his hands. Spilling everything from how you rejected him after a few dates, and that you were always around McGee and he was furious that you could be with anyone but him.

"She always was with him. It was disgusting to watch them together every Sunday. I had to teach her boyfriend a lesson." James spat.

Gibbs eyes narrowed at the word boyfriend. "Well lucky for you, her boyfriend gets to ruin your life. Have fun in prison, while I get to continue dating her." He got up and slammed the interrogation room door closed and headed straight to the hospital, ignoring the shocked looks from Ziva and Tony.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gibbs pulled your hand closer to him and rested his cheek on it as he clasped it in his. Ever since he got the confession out of James, he had been by your side waiting for you to wake up.

Ziva, Tony and McGee watched from the door way, Gibbs oblivious to the three of them watching which was very much unlike him.

"I can't believe they're dating. How did we miss this?" Ziva whispered.

"What I wanna know is how." McGee answered back.

Tony chuckled, "I bet it was after they went 50 Shades of Grey during that undercover mission."

"Do you think they've been together that long?" Ziva questioned. "That was like half a year ago."

"It explains why Gibbs avoids her during cases."

"But why keep it a secret?" McGee asked.

"Maybe it's because they're happy with just each other." Tony replied, watching Gibbs gently kiss your forehead.

Gibbs watched as you slept peacefully. You looked like an angel, to him you always did, but especially now because you looked so peaceful. You were always peaceful when you slept. He could watch you for hours, running his fingers through your hair as you cuddled into him, your head on his chest.

He closed his eyes, feeling days worth of no sleep catching up to him.

"Jethro?" He thought it was your voice, but how could it be? You've been unconscious for the past week.

"Jethro?" The voice was clearing up and it definitely sounded like you. But it had to be a dream, he thought.

"Jethro!" Your voice was much louder this time, enough that Gibbs' head sprang up off the mattress and his eyes opened to meet yours.

"Y/N?" Gibbs said shakily.

You were sitting up, your hand still in his, with a big smile on your face. "You've been asleep for a few hours, you're quite cute when you're sleeping." You giggled.

Gibbs looked at you in disbelief for a second before he crushed you to his chest, holding you tightly. "Don't you ever leave me like that again." He whispered. "From now on, anywhere you want to go I'll follow. I can't lose you."

You pulled him away and cupped his cheek. "Are you okay with that?"

"This whole thing has made me realized how much I care for you. I'm not letting you walk out that door again, especially when you want me there."

He watched you smile, cupped the back of your head and placed a sweet kiss on your lips.

"No more hiding?"

"No more hiding."

Taglist:

@crimeshowjunkie

@slxmw

So sorry this took forever! So many things in my life popped up half way through writing this! The second half of this doesn't do the story line justice. Let me know what you think down below!!

#yjethro gibbs x reader #ncis gibbs #jethro gibbs #gibbs #ncis x reader #ncis imagine #ncis fandom #ncis #gibbs x reader

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asinfinitum · 1 month

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This is... kind of long, but the tl;dr of it is that financial strain is continuing on and it's stressing out the household. I have halfbodies at $22 from their price of $95 if anyone wants a commission to help out. Otherwise I have ko-fi if people want to help but don't need a commission.

Examples are right here.

So, every time I try to save up money, we end up in more financial strain which ends up with me having to spend saved money to buy what we need because I've been the only one with any money this whole month (we're trying to catch up on household bills due to the situation with landlady's daughter who is literally fucking us over by withholding the bills).

It's made a pickle of things.

I've been trying to save to get out and be able to afford my monthly bills (plus a couple things I ordered that'll be coming out next month that I'll need to pay for- it's my treat to me for surviving all of this hell since February after the landlady's passing).

I've dropped the price exponentially on half bodies. Given they're usually $95, it's a big price drop.

Every half body is $22 each now, and I'm kiiind of desperate to get some money back + make some to help out a little with what we need while we continue to play catchup on bills. This means stuff like essentials, necessities, food, ect.

And help me build my savings back up, because I've actually been trying to save as much as possible but, because of how we're being screwed over, I can't.

Any help is appreciated. I've got a ko-fi for those who don't want a commission but want to help out.

#〖 ★ out of character talk 〗

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caterjunes · 3 months

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i'm doing bad folks

we've moved, mostly, and i'm so fucking exhausted and i don't know where anything is. and i've been juggling to schedule the internet installation and finding an electrician and scheduling the stove delivery and finding a plumber and OH NO the sellers took the washing machine so we can't do any laundry until i find a replacement.

and every time i go up to our old place it's 45+ minutes each way and always dark by the time i get on the road home so all the headlights are killing me. and we haven't moved most of our food (plus we don't have a STOVE) so i've been really struggling with meals, which is Not Great when you're running around moving hundreds of pounds of boxes up and down stairs and shit.

i'm so so tired and i'm so stressed, and our house is wonderful but i'm not having a good time right now. i had set up a facebook marketplace exchange with somebody selling a shopsmith for a BARGAIN price despite it being in astonishingly good condition, and today he messaged me to be like "i actually sold it to somebody else who could pick it up sooner :)" and i'm fucking gutted and also furious and i had been really really looking forward to that. and we still have to take care of the fucking rats!! and shower! i wish i were dead!!

#personal #keeping it fun and funky fresh #matty's mental health #suicide cw #our house in the middle of our street

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deannagrey · 5 months

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Just Dare Me: Chapter 2 (1/4)

At the top of the New Year, I have a habit of reading old stuff. It's got me nostalgic so I started re-working some scenes from this book. You can read chapter one here.

Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

The dares started last semester when David and I finally accepted we’d be in one another’s lives whether we liked it or not. At the time, only one of his teammates had been dating mine. Now, that count was up to two….almost three if you included Ari’s on-and-off-again thing with a certain wide receiver. Since our group was slowly pairing off, we were often left on the sidelines during nights out.

It didn’t take long for me to realize David was the kind of guy who loved getting a rise out of anyone. He’d made it his mission to find all the wrong buttons to press. Apparently, my responses to him were some of his favorites.

Ari warned me not to engage when she noticed how irritated I got in his presence. But I couldn’t just stand around listening to his contrary nonsense.

“Sure, nihilism has its place in society,” I ranted to Ari and Covee in our kitchen. It might be too early for a philosophical debate, but David’s response to my well-thought-out discussion post had me seething.

After my call with my sister, he’d spend another forty minutes waiting for his clothes to dry. While I typed away on my laptop, he’d been typing away on his phone. It wasn’t until after he left that I realized he’d crafted a lengthy response to my post on hope in a capitalistic society. His response was three times as long as the requirement. He’d picked apart every one of my arguments without so much as an attempt to see my side of things.

“But we’re doomed if we think nothing matters,” I continued.

Ari stood at the breakfast bar, balancing on one leg while her foot rested on her thigh. Covee was at the microwave, trying to avoid eye contact because she didn’t like conflict in the morning.

“Doomed might be a strong word,” Ari disagreed in a calm voice. She sipped her green juice through a metal straw.

“You’re on his side?” I raised a brow, surprised. Ari was Miss. Cool, Calm, and Collected in times of stress. But, she had beliefs. She loved meaning. In her world, things had a purpose. I’d been to too many of her yoga classes, listening about the importance of breath and balance to not know that she believed in purpose.

“No, I’m not on anyone’s side.” She smiled and tossed a curly loc out of her face. “I’m just considering his viewpoint. You know, like you say people should.”

I huffed and grabbed my favorite mug. Covee hurried out of my way with her bowl of oatmeal. I hadn’t reached rampaged levels yet but I was getting close. As the coffee machine hummed, I grabbed a protein bar from the pantry.

“Whatever, I’m over it,” I mumbled.

“Really?” Covee looked surprised as she settled next to Ari at the breakfast bar.

Ari laughed. “No way. She’s outlining a nine-page opposition essay as we speak.”

“I am not.” I turned away from them, pretending to be focused on my brewing coffee so they wouldn’t read the lie in my eyes. How should I open my argument? With something subtle or go right for his jugular?

Jugular. The answer was always jugular.

“God, I wish I was in your class,” Ari mourned. “Witnessing the fights you two have would be worth the hefty credit price tag.”

Ari was the only one of my friends on campus who wasn’t enrolled in school. She’d taken her classes online from her college back home.

Each day Covee and I came back from in-person classes, she got amped on hearing about our campus drama — no matter how big or small.

“I’ll have you know, I’m well-behaved in class,” I promised.

Ari snorted. Covee tried to hide her smile by taking a big bite of food.

“I am. There’s no way I’m letting David Porter make me out to be some raging, argumentative know-it-all. There’s so much more to me than that.”

“Of course there is,” Covee agreed with a sweet smile.

I nodded. “Plus, I have to be on my best behavior because I represent something bigger.”

“Hope?” Ari teased.

“Ha ha.” I made a face. “I’m talking about the Black Women Development Circle. Check this out. Here are this year’s executive board sign-ups.”

I pulled out my phone and scrolled to the photo of our signup sheets. Ari whistled impressed while Covee gave me a round of applause.

“Not exactly overflowing enough so that we have to hold a vote with non-board members but still…I had an actual team this year! And I have a good feeling about them. They’re going to show up and do the work.”

“Oh my God, Yara,” Covee gushed. “That’s incredible. Every spot’s full?”

“Every single one.” My smile widened and my shoulders relaxed at the change in subject. Not talking about David was far better for my health. “Even our social media manager. I won’t have to bug you every weekend for poster designs.”

Covee rolled her eyes at my teasing. “You know I never mind. Besides, designing stuff for you gave me tons of practice and content for my portfolio. It was a win-win.”

“Since that’s the case…” I wiggled my brow. “Could I keep you on call? Just as a backup. No pressure, of course. I know mixing work and friendship is always a little dicey.”

Covee waved away my worries. “I’ll be on call for as long as you need. As far as I’m concerned, I’m your personal graphic designer now and forever.”

I beamed. “You’re the absolute best.”

“So, I’m assuming the ball’s a go?” Ari looked excited about the prospect. “I live for any excuse to dress up.”

“It’s a go--I just have to get a few other orgs on board. My pitch is airtight,” I said. “ I’m talking to a few other presidents next week. I’m planning out venues and entertainment next week with the girls. We’re voting on themes, too.”

“Can I toss gothic into the ring?” Ari asked. “I know a good recipe for a vegan red icing that drips like blood. I can make all the desserts.”

“That’s an option. Sure.” I laughed. “Covee, what about you?”

“Kind of like the idea of a regency ball. Cliche, I know, but for a reason,” she said with a shy smile.

“It’s cute. Classic.” I nodded and typed each of their suggestions into my growing notes list. Before I could relock my phone a text from Mr- Thorn-In-My-Side himself came through.

David: Don’t forget about tonight. A no-show means an automatic forfeit.

I scoffed and responded: I know what it means. I made up the rule. Why don’t you just worry your pretty face about your part of the dare? K?

David: She thinks I’m pretty. I’m blushing.

The thought of David blushing had me shaking my head. Long ago I was convinced because of his energy-sucking powers, he was a vampire and thus, incapable of changing shades.

“Don’t forget an umbrella,” Ari’s warning made me look up from my phone. “Rain’s on the forecast. Your hair looks too good to ruin.”

“Thanks, Mom.” I ran a hand over my Havana twists. They swayed down to my hips. The four-hour installation was more than worth it. I always felt ready for any and everything after my hair got done.

“Alright, ladies, I’m off to conquer the world. Do you need anything while I’m at it?” I poured my coffee from the mug into a travel cup.

“Mm, hearts of enemies make good broth I heard.” Ari winked.

“I’ll take weapons,” Covee decided. “My sculpture elective is killing me. I need something unique to impress my professor.”

“Done and done. Hearts and swords for my soulmates.” I grabbed my bag and the clear umbrella by the door. “I’ll see you guys for dinner. Love you two!”

“Love you!” they said in unison as I stepped out of the door.

#westbrookeangels

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horizon-verizon · 1 year

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Something that bothers me about DotD is that I feel GRRM doesn't help his case much if he means the reader to sympathize with Rhaenyra's cause despite her shortcomings with the nature of the trajectory he chooses for her downfall. Now I'm not at all saying it's wrong to show her as flawed person, with hints of era-typical bigotry. But her acts against Nettles etc. make a reading that she wasn't good enough to support her after all not uneasy, leading to sexist implications considering the theme.

*EDITED POST* (5/4/24)

Found this lovely post by la-pheacienne HERE, explaining how Rhaenyra's tragedy is an ancient Greek on as well, how Rhaenyra became what she was.

It's strange. The Dance is both very very simple, yet it presents interesting questions.

I go back and forth, bc I see GRRM's sexist folly AND some points abt how one evaluates and has discrepancies of the "worth" of a female vs male leader.

ESPECIALLY SINCE WE HAVE TO REMEMBER THIS BOOK, IN-WORLD, WAS WRITTEN WITH THE IDEA THAT FEMALE-RULER=BAD RULER=BAD-FOR-THE-REALM!!!

It's a story of two very flawed factions (one still, I think, in the actual wrong) vying for power, but it essentially is the bloody catalyst for the need of sets up the death of the dragons and Daenerys'/Rhaegar's existence in Westeros--Dany's being Azor Ahai!

Rhaenyra unequivocally relied much on on her posiiton and class privilege to carry her through, as many female rulers and nobles would because without it they cannot hope to have the power they often are denied. But bc this privilege comes with the price of some level of compliance with the status quo AND can make one develop forgo looking at things apart from one's survival or dignity, it can also lead us into hurting others like Nettles who would have actually helped us succeed.

"Nature" vs Nurture--Doylist 'nature' vs Watsonian 'nurture'.

What makes a person who they are? Their environment and history (the parameters and foundations for their decision-making), or just their decisions? Where is the line between showing a woman affected by her lack of political training (but still having to self-determine red/black dress moment and her drawing strength from her Valyrian heritage) AND showing her fairly as a person in her own right with many flaws? OR where do we realize that we ourselves are subject to making arguments based on principles we haven't learned are sexist in themselves?

And I am not a mother, so I don't know what it's like to lose not one but two kids in quick succession and under a year. There was a clear choice on GRRM/probably really Gyldayn/the story-teller's, part in making Rhaenyra seemingly "incapacitated" to be involved with politics after KL until Daemon left and she was left with the envious Mysaria (our Iago-figure) to have her fears played on.

We have to remember that this account is the least well-documented in F&B and the one with the most deliberately unreliable narrators with agendas in presenting some characters, esp Rhaenyra, a certain way. Septon Eustace writes Rhaenyra stuffed her face with pies AND that she cut her hand on the throne so the throne must have rejected her after landing in KL. This is most likely a retrospective exaggeration of the real situation out of spite AND plain slander, because:

even if she were eating a lot, it'd most likely be depression/grief/stress-eating and she had a lot to be worried about, her 2 sons died, PLUS she'd maybe eat her fav foods to feel more at the home that always should have been hers

we already heard the writers fat shame her for not putting off her pregnancy weight -- sexist patriarchal body standards ignoring real health & anatomy/medicine to affirm itself -- meanwhile Helaena & Aegon the Elder both were plump-fat, and we hear of no insults or repetitive notes about them?!

Eustace really hated her probably for not using him as he wanted her to or what he was used to as Viserys, Viserys' courtiers, & Alicent most often did PLUS Rhaenyra was ultra-femme, but was not demure nor pretended to be -- again, sexist standards of feminine behavior or presentation

Aegon IV was as unworthy a leader as anything we ever see in Westeros...yet we hear nothing of the throne cutting him...Aenys I? Maegor, and not in his death!; it's a chair made of literal swords...people are going to get cut; OR it never happened bc Rhaenyra was wearing armor at the time -- basically superstition needs to be logically analyzed before we go "that's symbolism!"

A) GRRM Othellos Rhaenyra...Kinda. I just See some Things that Remind Me of the Play

Here, we know Rhaenyra definitely ordered Nettles' death, this isn't a Gyldayn invention or misunderstanding for the "Othello-ing" I name. It is narratively important that Rhaenyra become a tyrant not bc she was an evil person or stupid from the jump, but because she is an example of one who didn't manage to work through her own fear, grief, and paranoia (caused by the system's constant failures against her) to do as Dany did and rely on compassion instead of fear to assure her survival.

Without as much proper or as-much-political/military training as Jaehaerys I's and Baelon and Aemon had--Rhaenyra was that much more vulnerable. BUT she also could have gained a lot of experience in ruling Dragonstone in all thsoe years (15-16, or 20?) alone.

Let's take the first scenario: To not be fully ready or developed enough to put up much of a necessary fight against those that would oppose her and dissolve further than the already shaky bonds between Targ family members that existed since (honestly) either the generation of Aenys' and Maegor or Jaehaerys I.

After adopting much of Andal/Westerosi noble customs and especially male primogeniture, the Targs began betraying its female members and underdeveloping them almost since its dynasty's inception.

So GRRM makes Rhaenyra's flaws a direct result of her generational deprivation and gender discrimination, coming from Maegor and Aenys, but at the same time, it seems he went too hard in the paint to make Rhaenyra a woman without some necessary sense to accentuate her victimhood by making most of the bigger strategic decisions the blacks make come from the men around her BUT he also made sure to clue us in on how Rhaenyra is not like Dany in that she ultimately chooses her class privilege instead of measured compassion to maybe save herself.

A question some may have: Why make your female character so flawed instead of making her more of a great & strategic or very compassionate foe to reckon with, which would further hammer in how unfair it was that she was usurped? We can extrapolate that GRRM not making her active enough (w/o her being a warrior necessarily, at least a strategist or bring one startegy up!) was just sexist of GRRM. this plus the sex abuse agianst her, We didn't need all that.

I mentioned how Rhaenyra serves as a way to re-contextualize Daenerys and the importance of ingenuity & compassion that will really carry one one into both personal and collective success/survival. (HERE is a Tweet by former brideoffires explaining).

Also, they both refuse to bow down to the oppressive standards of their time in their own ways. Even with Rhaenyra fighting for her claim and to protect her kids, she defying patriarchal restrictions of female leadership by refusing to just give up the crown despite the greens' usurpation and crowning Aegon. There is value in that, even with it going to war. Rhaenyra is an aspect of Dany's own struggles. She is where a woman in either position could falter. They share a pride needed to resist against those sociopoilitical circumstances and assert themselves.

Basically, Rhaenyra's most critical mistake and error and moment of self destruction was to accuse Nettles & use her own class privilege against a vulnerable. She relied on a thing that ultimately was set against her (you can't really separate the misogyny of the aristocratic class) to use against her "enemy", in order to feel powerful, even with her having been driven to that state from mainly others' desire for her throne.

After all, male claimants and rulers who are insane, predatory, or just weak are pushed towards the throne (Aegon the Elder, prime example for this story) all the time, so why not have a flawed or "mediocre" woman be the center of this story to accentuate the double standard held against her? To show how people like Cersei get...that, and what Dany as a woman could & has gone up against? Rhaenyra being as she was rather highlights how Misogyny doesn't care if you are a genuinely good person leader, one bad move, you're done. And Rhaenyra--to go back to the scenario abt "training" or if she did obtain "enough" experience, and even then we should wonder how much or if GRRM just wanted her to be that way for plot-sake--wasn't the most strategic, much of it due to her class entitlement. Which the greens share.

Men like Robert Baratheon, Stannis, Ramsay Snow/Bolton, or any of the current male Greyjoys who grew up in the Iron Islands? Even Canon!Jon Snow is better than most men of his time, but he is cruel when he thinks he has to be and has himself executed a child for disobedience and treachery. He also makes emotion-based/involved/inspired decisions (not often, but they exist), and he also makes mistakes. They get to hold positions of power without any added troubles (as Rhaenyra had) to the regular ones of greedy challengers or those resisting their plunder and reaping.

Why should we hold Rhaenyra to a much higher standard than these men, as much censure, as the fandom and canon society does? Especially since it's not really her story (overall), it's Dany's? None of the autonomously ruling female leaders of the story receive half as much censure for character or leadership skills (true or false) as those men I listed. Rhaenyra and Daenerys "Stormborn" Targaryen are usually the subjects, with some other Westerosi women as well, sometimes Catelyn even. All that is obviously due to misogyny, to this idea that because you are not the typical candidate or desired one for the position of power, you need to "prove" yourself to specifically those who get that power without having to fight that hard or experience the doubt of leadership similar to a woman.

In other words, trying to actually 100% buy into what the Westerosi male lords or what we think they'd want in a leader was never going to work for Rhaenyra. She kinda already did, and look where that got her?

How much of her paranoia (actually her breakdown) is understandable and consequential, as GRRM wants us to consider?

Gyldayn would say or think she should have been better, but considering what she was up against as a woman, does he really think he could do better? Or rather, how much do we excuse her for in lieu of her victimhood in the face of lifelong concentrated abuse and misogyny at almost every front?

Even if she had somehow quickly overcome her own grief in less than a year after both of her oldest sons died before she took KL, why are we so expectant of that? That's inhumane to me. Or I could be over emotionalizing it, idk & I don't think so.

And with the green having taken the royal coffers before they left, what would someone else have done under the immediate pressures of the lack of money, fear from smallfolk around the executions whose observations are charged and hate against the taxes raised bc of said lost moneys, and then the worst rioting exacerbated/caused by a crazy man most likely sent by the Citadel to turn everyone not just against her but all the Targs and destroy the dragons....

It's a lot all at once and something that not even Jaehaerys had to deal with, since:

Maegor at least was very dead by the time he actually got to KL.

The royal treasury was always intact AND he had Rego Draz (a Pentoshi man) help him develop his strategy of taxation, which encouraged the nobles to spend more....again in totoal PEACETIME.

since he was male, he never had to face widespread and local disfavor or contempt for his abilities (subtle or unsubtle) on account for things he cannot change or of beliefs against his gender, right to occupy a space, etc. as a woman does, esp a woman slotted to rule over other men -- people doubted him for his age/lack of experience, but they gave him more grace than they did Rhaena, his older sister

Finally, Jaehaerys may have lost two brothers (Viserys and Aegon) and a father, but Aenys didn't die by cold murder. His brothers we: A) don't even know he was close to or not, there were big age differences b/t him and them B) they were siblings, not one's children

Even without the losses of her kids, after a lifetime of having to decide how and even if one should try to legitimize oneself as one deserving of the same sort of respect and claims to power that another demographic just gets w/o trying--what does that do to the mind of a person, and under the pressures listed?

For Othello, it was using illusions and misunderstandings of adultery to put his sense of his masculinity in danger (as black masculinity is always put into question as being too "bestial" and inhuman, oversexualized--undeserving of the white chaste woman/high prize/object of white male power/public and political respect or "trust").

For Rhaenyra, it was her gender held against her AND then the betrayals, and she defaulted to feudal classism and misgynoir. Her conformity to that white female chastity of body and mind: what right did she think she had to claim power or herself without doing it in the name of a living "true" male heir/authority? And like Othello, she endured it her entire life, beginning with Alicent. At the same time, enjoying the trappings of a royal dragonrider who grew up believing that Targaryens were awesome beings who quite literally built Westeros the way it is?

That, I think, is what GRRM tries to create, this state of ethical "ambiguity".

It is true that compared to his other female Targ characters, the ambiguity is lacking because Rhaenyra is made too vulnerable to circumstances before her birth without her having quite enough substantial pushback or strategic will.

But Gyladyn wrote this book and we need to be careful with how he frames things or describes them.

This will read back and forth, because I think there are other merits in some criticisms of Rhaenyra's character and her characterization.

1. Maybe you can skip this if you have repetition

I think that GRRM does try to write her from that Shakespearean aspect of psychological ambiguity from Othello, but I kinda agree that the symbol of the hysterical woman unfit to decide important matters of community and state fits Rhaenyra too well, whereas Othello actively resisted Iago more than Rhaenyra did Mysaria or her other councilors OR better yet, why not subvert Shakespeare a bit and have Rhaenyra do it better than Othello and last longer?

But that could be bc its' a maester, GYLDAYN, writing this book as propaganda!

And comparing her to Dany, again, "really quick", for a reminder:

Even with Dany still existing and Rhaenyra losing, I'd prefer to see her still be more creative and active--just more engaged before more principal players in her camp betrayed her without her provocation, rather than just two dragonseeds when she had other dragonseeds with her and a full council (even if Celtigar had to go). Again, why not have her make one plan or get inspired once and have others refine that plan/beginnings of a plan? Perhaps make Celtigar the betrayer, so that she is faced with relying more on less conservative mindsets in her council? IDK.

(disagreement w/anon) But then this story would be so much less obviously confrontational, as I have already said above, 7 people are dumb:

the hate against her tells us much about other readers and ourselves as to what expectations we have towards men vs women put into situations like Rhaenyra's, where she's usurped on account of societal sexism AND one of her ancestors (Jaehaerys) making it that much harder for women to be considered fit rulers/inheritors of power.

Aside from her other mistakes:

not keeping close tabs on the greens while at Dragonstone so she'll be alerted to Viserys' worst days so she can travel back to KL and make sure the greens couldn't do anything w/o resistance -> 12/2/23 EDIT: Alicent wasn't planning the gathering the green council so much as improving immediately after Viserys died: her imprisoning Rhaenyra's supporters at court, her gathering the lords for the council, and her keeping it a secret Viserys died were all quieted events that she likely did not share with many people, maybe Otto and that's it. Not even Criston. These movements were what "saved" her the necessary few hours to get the jump on Rhaenyra; she would not have been very vocal or repetitive even if she did share her "plans" that could have been more wishes-turned-into action-in-the-moment than real, detailed, and prepared plans. So it's not that out of possibility to believe that even if Rhaenyra or Mysaria sent spies they'd pick up on this.

*not going to Jeyne Arryn after fleeing KL (this was a very understandable move to make, as she needed dragons & there was nothing left or safe for her back in KL)

Rosby and Stokeworth: for all that we say she was grieving, that Corlys/advisors pressured her, that she felt that the need for supporters around KL for the present dangers outweighed far-reaching ones for her rule later, she was still Queen and it was still a mistake because she needed to shore up female claims for herself and her descendants (two things can be true at once); this I see as Rhaenyra bowing to a real, concerning pressure that you may not think is heavy but is, and one can choose to "forgive" her for it or not and deal with the implications for either scenario because she was b/t having some crownlands close lords on her side while still in KL. Her ability to maintain herself on the throne depended on convincing men like Corlys/as many men as possible on her side. That's just the lot for female rulers of ancient, medieval, early-mod period patriarchal societies.

the dragonseeds & Nettles (nail in the coffin, the actual undisputed wrong)

I think that I can say that Rhaenyra was not the ideal leader in case of temperament or intelligence. She wasn't 100% dumb as hell by "nature" (whatever that is in ASoIaF), indicated by her making fewer mistakes before her sons died, but she still made a pretty dumb one before they died (#3 in the list above). She was purposefully made a bit more shortsighted than Alicent.

And here's another thing. She only started to be hated in KL after the taxes (that needed to be raised after Aegon/Tyland Lannister/the greens stole all the treasury money, even when he himself organized a feast celebrating Aemond and himself for Lucerys' murder and Aemond burned down one of the major suppliers of food in Westeros' "south" regions: the Riverlands and esp their farmer's villages and fields) AND when Larys purposefully spread rumors about her before the Shepherd came along and worsened it with his own misogynist rhetoric. Because all these beleaguered people wanted was to get out of danger and starvation, & when she couldn't immediately provide it, they understandably got riotous.

However, it is also true that with what she dealt with after taking KL--riots incited by Larys and the Shepherd, accusing her of killing Helaena; Larys taking out Maelor in the first place when he was perfectly safe in the Keep; being unsure of how long her followers would follow if she didn't at least comply with the Stokeworth and Rosby incidents.

And her moving to Dragonstone, to me, was not an absolute mistake or at least something she could avoid without losing another valuable thing. She and her family needed their own base, which is psychologically and politically true. But, again...not monitoring her father and waiting for the aftermath of his death at all, if that is in fact what she did? smh.

Why isn't it enough to know that she was unfairly usurped? Why do we look for the ideal leader in the woman during her own disempowerment, and not at how there is a difference in expectation for her versus her male rival in terms of competency?

Let's play a little here. Even if Nettles and Daemon did sleep with each other, it is very clear that the better strategic decision would have been to question her after all her true enemies were defeated and make use of her until then.

But, once more and as I say in this Twitter thread, the deal with Nettles was accompanied and carried by the already existing Targ-Andal sexist paradigm of legitimizing one's rule through blood-purist/sexist principles. In that way, canon!Rhaenyra was not that much more exceptional than other Westerosi women under the condition of pressure looking to shore up their own claims.

AND again, it's a maester, GYLDAYN, writing this book as propaganda against female rulership/autonomy!

The Dance, more than any other account in F&B, is the most unreliably told tale because its sources (Mushroom, Orwyle/Munkun, and Septon Eustace) all seek to besmirch or objectify Rhaenyra for their own ends and are the only ones that provide the "clearest" narrations for Gyldayn, another master, to narrate. And GRRM does it on purpose:

We only get specific events that are told through a hateful gaze; what other traits and behaviors Rhaenyra could have done or said, we do not have access to and sometimes must use context to conclude our best guess. Thus, Rhaenyra also feels, to the reader, as if she could be something more than what's presented. Unlike its male characters, the Dance account gives one-note descriptions of its adult female participants because women already do not occupy or perform the same public activities as their male counterparts and thus are given less attention, unless they are Rhaenys, Alicent, and Rhaenyra. And we aren't privy to their most vulnerable moments (unless they are likely made up to disparage them OR so public as to be noticed). Emphasis on it feeling that way. It is Mushroom who says that Rhaenyra was angry that Daemon disobeyed her about Nettles: "By evenfall, Rhaenyra Targaryen found herself sore beset on every side, her reign in ruins. “The queen wept when they told her how Ser Lorent died,” Mushroom testifies, “but she raged when she learned that Maidenpool had gone over to the foe, that the girl Nettles had escaped, that her own beloved consort had betrayed her ("Rhaenyra Overthrown")". Which I can believe, since it follows her need for backup that she lost in Ser Lorent and the lack of such backup due to Daemon's refusal to follow orders or allow her orders followed. I can see Rhaenyra being angry and feeling betrayed by that. But Mushroom, as ever, also injects himself where it is impossible that he'd even be seriously considered as her companion and confidante: "At dawn, a hundred men attended her in the throne room, but one by one they slipped away or were dismissed, until only her sons and I remained with her. ‘My faithful Mushroom,’ Her Grace called me, ‘would that all men were true as you. I should make you my Hand.’ When I replied that I would sooner be her consort, she laughed. No sound was ever sweeter. It was good to hear her laugh" ("Rhaenyra Overthrown")". So is Mushroom using the hypothetical event where Rhaenyra was angry with Daemon and raged at the defiance, or did he make it all up to aggrandize himself and establish an intimate relationship with Rhaenyra for the audience, what we the readers are faced with? I tend to think the former because my idea of Rhaenyra and her tyranny coming from grief-misogyny follows such.

this is the event (the civil war/the Dance) where the women, the center, the moment of Targ history where the dragons and life-supporting magic were lost and started to die without its matriarch, occurs when the would-be autonomous female heir loses her power? Not a coincidence -> context and ratcheting up the stakes for Dany, bc what would the reception to her be like?

And again, without a closer look at her upbringing, with all these people telling her story in their way and with their own agendas and misogyny....well it's hard for me, the reader, to totally devote myself to writing Rhaenyra's comparative simpleness to just her being her and it not her developing herself to what was available to her.

Another theory is not a theory, it's obvious. Rhaenyra is a character developed after Daenerys was created and Rhaenyra is not meant to surpass Daenerys in military leadership acumen or potential (because she grew up in a context where Targ women lose much power and go untrained) AND he is mean to be her "sword", her "Visenya". Again, GRRM might have gone a bit overboard...but he's not terribly wrong.

Also, once again, they both refuse to bow down to the oppressive standards of their time in their own ways. Even with Rhaenyra fighting for her claim and to protect her kids, she defying patriarchal restrictions of female leadership by refusing to just give up the crown despite the greens' usurpation and crowning Aegon. There is value in that, even with it going to war. Rhaenyra is an aspect of Dany's own struggles. They share a pride needed to resist against those sociopoilitical circumstances and assert themselves.

If Dany didn't exist, I would have preferred to see a more non-motherhood sense of responsibility, a more altruistic side of Rhaenyra (that still doesn't outperform Dany).

6. (inspired by & courtesy of brideoffires's post HERE)

It's not a coincidence that more female Targs display the most pleasure and affinity for dragonriding:

Rhaena (Alyssa's daughter), who after bonding with Dreamfyre came more into herself and bestowed her siblings with dragon eggs so that they themselves would bond with their dragons sooner and thus would be one self-possessed early on to even become rulers

Alysanne, who cried when she couldn't ride Silverwing anymore

Saera, who would have tried to bond with a dragon and ride to freedom

Aerea, who claimed Balerion and also rode to escape her damaged mother

Daenerys Stormborn, who restored dragons to the dynasty with fire and blood (blood magic & bravery)

Rhaenyra, who became a dragonrider at 7 years old

Rhaena (Laena's daughter), who also managed to have her egg hatched when no other dragon existed

Rhaenys (Jocelyn Baratheon's daughter) protested in favor of her unborn child and died with her dragon

Baela, who fight a usurper on behalf of her stepmother and lost her dragon but made sure to give Aegon the Elder much more injuries that turned him inside out enough to be so contemptible to be put down by his own followers

and Rhaenys the Queen, who loved dragon-riding the most of her siblings despite not being a warrior like her sister, yet being the literal mother/direct ancestor of the entire dynasty

Yes, you have male dragonriders but looking at Targ history, who usually has a closer metaphorical relationships with the Targ dragons? And after who, chosen by right, was usurped because she was a woman, and whose kids then continue the line?

Notice how a running theme is motherhood as well? In ASoIaF (all of it, not just the novels) GRRM is fixated on motherhood and a woman bringing forth new/restored things. Or when she's stifled from doing so. Daenerys is a prime example. She brought dragons back when Aegon V tried and failed, when Aegon III tried and failed and when Aegon IV did a mockery of it by trying to take Dorne. Rhaenyra gave birth to accomplished people (Jace, and Viserys II) and became a mother to two more (Baela and Rhaena). Again, it is through her that the Targs can even continue. Yes, Daemon is the father, but he wasn't made heir--Rhaenyra was--and Jace would have been a good king. And she was fertile, having birthed five kids and safely. Unlike Alysanne, who had many miscarriages and stillbirths and infants dying before they got to 3.

Conclusions

Again, I go back and forth, bc I see GRRM's sexist folly AND some points abt how one evaluates and has discrepancies of the "worth" of a female vs male leader.

Rhaenyra is a good example of a victim who wasn't necessarily a good person or an ideal ruler and neither was she a horrible ruler or an evil person (until Nettles).

GYLDAYN is writing this book as propaganda against female rulers/women having power that men traditionally are granted and have. But GRRM still puts Rhaenyra through a lot of abuse without coming up with more than 1 or 2 ways to avoid or resist them (red-black dress; moving to Dragonstone, we don't see her try to manipulate Viserys..etc.).

Some come away with the feeling that Rhaenyra has less depth because she relies on her heritage and the fact Viserys bestows her: What else, other than her Valyrian heritage and her kids, keeps Rhaenyra going, they may ask? Similar to Dany, Rhaenyra uses the fact that she does come from Valyrian dragonriders and conquering Targs to validate to herself that she deserves to fight for the throne. Differently from Dany, she does this with the fact that her father clearly named her heir and would have given it with his own hands.

This is what rhaenin-time says in this reblog:

It just rings so familiar to real-world politics and conversations. How many people with reactionary/conservative politics have we all encountered who, instead of arguing about why their stance is better, start to nit-pick inconsistencies and hypocrisy in liberal and leftist stances, even though what they offer is far worse? Because they're not saying their side does not have the same problems. They're saying those problems are natural, those problems cannot be resisted, that anyone who tries and does so imperfectly is a hypocrite, so you're a bad person for trying at all.

At the same time, I've also felt the frustration with the negligence of some more personal depth that is similar to women like Visenya or Rhaena (the Queen Dowager).

Again, to repeat myself (from point #4), it all comes from the desire for the alternative leader to the conservative type to be morally better than them for the greatest possible change. But we already have that in Dany and Rhaenyra is only mean to serve as to re-contextualize Dany & hammer in how she is so important.

Rhaenyra's one main "flaw" (shaped by society/history) is that she was blinded by her need to self-assert herself above all else in the face of her dissenters...since childhood and never developed past that crutch partly bc that was where she was.

*EDIT* (8/21/23):

THIS is a great post by @mononijikayu about medieval queens, female rulers, the history of how women in leadership positions were made and seen as threats to the very structure of social "order", and contextualizing Rhaenyra thru Empress Matilda. I didn't even know about Matilda's husband being comparable to Rhaneyra's Daemon! PLZ READ!!!!

Excerpt:

just as much, along with these fictitious portrayals, more lies are depicted. these women are considered vixens that cause havoc to men by shifting them into desires and danger. through the written word, we see how women are cast in roles of villains in men’s lives. it is because by their conclusive thoughts, women are the only creatures that are able to turn ‘good honorable men’ into despicable creatures who do shameful, deplorable acts for the sake of women’s pleasures. [...] it is within this narrative that ancient chroniclers declare that women were in fact the doom of men. if they were not able to control the dangers posed by the wiles of women, then the foundations of the mighty society they had built would be up in flames. [...] as i mentioned, these factors of community are written down and preserved. and with that, the example of the ancients were the foundations by which medieval society built itself. the same concepts continued to cause the same issue within society and that was the exclusion of women from participating in the bigger picture of community and state, much so with governing states in their own right—without judgment or disapproval.

#rhaenyra's characterization #rhaenyra targaryen #asoiaf asks to me #rhaenyra i #fire and blood writing #fire and blood characters #grrm #grrm critical #rhaenyra and motherhood #asoiaf motherhood #asoiaf themes #asoiaf dragons #rhaenyra and feminism #othello #shakespeare #character comparison #fire and Blood #asoiaf #asoiaf and feminism

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impyssadobsessions · 2 years

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Raising Phantom CHpt 5

Here is is on Ao3

Jason made his way up the front stairs to the library. This was only his third time this week. He swore he stop, there was nothing strange about the two, but Danny had asked him for recommendations, and he be damned to delay a kid from reading. He pushed open the library door, praying Babs wasn't at the counter and just Jasmine. “If your looking for them, they're not here.” Babs yawned as soon as she seen Jason's head pop through the door. “I wasn't-” “Mmhm. Danny's been excited about the next story, he already began reading it.” Babs smiled up at Jason. “It was a good story.” Jason tried to play it off, but now knowing they were missing bothered him.

The door chimed, “Hey Babs! Guess who I finally convinced to come over~!” Dick had Damian, who was just off of school in tow. “...I was promised we were going for vegan ice cream.” “Ice cream? Your price is getting low.” Jason snickered. Damian glared. “Well, I'm afraid they're not here. Apparently their uncle made a surprised early visit, and whisked them away.” Barbara said as she fixed her glasses. “Their rich uncle?” Dick asked. “Yep. Vlad Masters.” “That stuck up fucker?!” “The one obsessed with the Packers?!” Dick and Jason exclaimed. They both had annoying bouts with the man, the times he visited Gotham. Dick cringing at his memories of having to listen to the man brag on and on about a football team. Trying to suck up or talk to anyone that dare listen. Dick unfortunately chose to stay at the food table when he got caught by the man. Dick didn't even care about football! Told him so, but he just kept going! Now he knew an ungodly amount of facts about the Packers. Jason remembered how entitled and pompous the jerk was, he definitely looked down on him and Bruce. Talking about how Jason was just a charity case to keep good appearances. Though Jason didn't have as good of an opinion about Bruce anymore, the way the man had said it then still boiled his blood. And Danny and Jazz were with him?! “I despised that man.” Damian glared, “I do not wish to associate with anyone that's related to that man.” “Not related. He was their god father, helped them out in a bad situation.” Barbara explained, “Yeah. I know. Shocking.” The look on their faces gave away their disbelief. Dick shook out of it first and asked. “Wait, why did he pick them up?”

“Apparently Vlad's been wanting to show them off at the upcoming gala for some time now. Jazz said she delayed it this long, its the least they could do. He took them shopping for proper attire. Both Jazz and Danny didn't look too please when he came waltzing in. He barely gave an hour notice. “ The two oldest brothers blinked, trying to absorb the information. “I'll be waiting in the car, Richard.” Damian walked back out. --owo-- Danny grumbled and fussed with the suit he was forced to try on. Curse Vlad. He tossed the tie at the offending man, huffing. “Why can't I have a clip on?! Or none at all. Like who even needs to wear ties anymore? Your rich, aren't you? Who the heck going to talk down on you for not wearing one?!” Vlad pulled the tie off his face, taking a deep breath. Danny was trying his patience today. “Daniel-” “Its legally Danny.” Danny reminded. “Right. Danny.” He stressed Danny's name. “I will not have my son-” “Grandson. Don't make people think weird things.” Not that Danny even wanted to take claim to that, but its better then people thinking Jazz had a one off with their father's college friend. “-My GRANDson at Wayne's gala without looking perfect! Bruce Wayne and his infuriating orphanage rejects he adopted plus the terrifying child that supposedly came from his sack. If you asked me, he just adopted another one and lied, there is no way that child is his.” Vlad fumed. Danny crossed his arms, as he glared at Vlad just going off about Bruce Wayne. Danny was only half paying attention. “uh-huh. Yeah yeah. Bruce Wayne this and that. Playboy that doesn't deserve his wealth. Yada yada. This is all because he refused to do business with you, isn't it?” “That man is a fool!” “Considering how you earned your wealth, it seems like the opposite.” Danny muttered. Vlad scoffed, “That playboy couldn't see a perfectly reasonable beneficial deal if it whacked him in the face. Its a miracle, Wayne industries is running as it is.” Danny doubted that, glancing over at the employee with red eyes. Vlad had possessed the man with one of his duplicates so they could have privacy and so Vlad could be in charge of picking out their clothes. He didn't want anyone to assist or add their two cents on it. “Besides Mr. Wayne being there, there will be investors swarming the place. All happily talking about their company or their kids, and I like to be able to show how dapper you are.” “Dapper? Don't tell me you're going to gel my hair too? That stuff is gross.” Danny frowned as Vlad knelt down to try and put on Danny's tie. Danny not making anymore fuss, staring at the tie to see how Vlad did it. “No no, that will not suit your scruffy charm. Though it is tempting, I doubt it'll stay down, knowing you. Little Badger.” Vlad ruffling Danny's head as he stood back up. “You always had a knack for bouncing back and your hair embodies that.” Danny frowning as he glared down at the red bow tie. He actually liked the color red, but he had a sneaking suspicion this outfit looked identical to Vlad's. Glancing at the mirror. No. It was confirmed. At least his hair wasn't long enough to wear a stupid ponytail like him. “Plus it helps hide those angry eyes of yours.” Vlad teased, “After all, you're still not very good at hiding your emotions yet. Not that you ever were.” On cue, Danny's eyes glowed green for a moment, as he glared at Vlad. The man was just asking for a fight. Danny didn't care if he was half the man size. Didn't stop Dani from kicking his butt. “Vlad, could you stop antagonizing Danny! You two haven't been archenemies in the last few years. It would be nice if you two acted like it!” Jazz huffed as she came out of the dressing room to show the gown she was wearing. It was a loose rose gold dress that clung at her waist. Loose fabric in the front over her breasts and the back was cut out. “Blech. Oh Heavens no Jasmine! What happened to the dress I picked out for you?” Vlad gasped. “It didn't fit. What's wrong with this one?” Jazz looked at herself in the mirror. She thought it was pretty, and was less gaudy then the red ballgown Vlad had picked out. She could walk in it and found it elegant but youthful. “Jasmine, I know you don't care about your reputation, but that dress would have everyone thinking you're a hussy! Far too revealing. Plus pink is not your color, almost matches your skin tone. Biscuits! They would think your nude!“ Danny raised a brow at Vlad then back at Jazz. It was strange to see Jazz in a fancy dress, and he kind of agreed about the nude thing. But He hated how Vlad was over dramatizing it. Jazz put her hands on her hips, with a huff. “And bright red was?” “Red matches Danny and I. Color coordination girl! Its the easiest way to show that we're a family!” Vlad huffed. “Ok, ok. Fine. I'll change. You know, it would be nice if you un-possessed one of the employees so I can actually find a dress in here.” Jazz complained. “They're just here to be mouth pieces! They'll say anything to make you buy a dress. They're being paid on compliments not accuracy, my dear girl.” Vlad stated. Jazz rolled her eyes and huffed back into the dressing room. Even she was getting annoyed by Vlad, by now. Despite him being a big help, he still was.. difficult to deal with. Danny looked at where Jazz marched off from, no doubt Vlad already had one of the possessed employees gathering gowns for her. He glanced back at Vlad. It was still so strange to be on “good” terms with him. Who knew one of them had to fall into a pathetic state to do so. Danny was always hoping it be Vlad. Not him. He remembered when he tried to fight Vlad when he first found them. Unfortunately, Danny had only recovered his flying and phasing abilities by then. He was still having trouble turning invisible or consistently changing forms. Vlad was too stunned to fight back at first, seeing Danny.. but obviously overpowered him easily. Danny held back a snort at how big Vlad's eyes got when he found himself on the end of the Fenton Peeler. He surrendered Danny to Jazz and then started gabbing like he does. Danny didn't want anything to do with him, but Jazz made an offer. He didn't talk to her for two weeks after it. Pissed off she would even think to make a deal with him again. Like always though, she was proven right. Vlad perked up at the idea of having them, even if it wasn't how he imagined. Thus they became an awkward family. Vlad would visit a lot at first, but soon his shady businesses got a hold of him again. Danny was so glad, he had been very close to punching the man. Danny remember that was when Danielle came around. She was so confused at first, then she lavished in being the older sister. Jazz was able to make Dani legal, through Vlad. After that, she chose to live with Valerie most of the time. She did stay with him and Jazz on and off, and then she traveled the rest of the time. He missed her. She said she was going to visit at least once more before his next “birthday”. Danny was looking forward to it. He really wanted to get in some practice with his ice powers. He found it strange that his ice had come back to him, when most of his powers hadn't. It appeared that his powers were not coming back in order nor as quickly as they did his first year as Phantom. Not that he was complaining. It was better he was able to control it now, then to find himself frosting over in class with no clue on how to release it. Danny glanced back at Vlad. He tried to help Danny with his powers too. Apparently the rate he was getting them were more like Vlad had. Unfortunately for the both of them, Vlad was a terrible teacher. Honestly, he thinks him and Jazz helped Vlad more with his powers then the other way around. Which Danny did not particularly want, but Vlad was being... decent. So he won't hold it against him.. for now. “Can I change back into my clothes now?” Danny asked. “No, Daniel-Danny. We have to make certain you and your sister match!” Vlad insisted. “Now just sit tight and be a good boy, hm?” Danny groaned as he flopped down on the ground crossing his arms. Not caring that he was wrinkling up a suit that probably costed thousands of dollars. Vlad was going to buy it, and honestly, he didn't care if he wasn't. It was Vlad's money he be wasting. Jazz came out in a red dress and was immediately dismissed by Vlad saying the shade was too maroon and the jewels on it were poorly cut. Now Danny had to listen to Vlad rant while Jazz stomped back into the dressing room. This was going to be a long day. Danny felt a cooling sensation in his chest. He jolted looking around, it wasn't close. Vlad seemed to pause, meeting Danny's eyes. Vlad frowned, narrowing his eyes as he stared at the direction of the pull. He then glanced at the cameras, noticing them moving, but they shortly died after Vlad had noticed them. “It appears we have company. Come along Little Badger. JASMINE! Change of plans, get dress. I'll just hire you a designer!” Vlad helping Danny back on his feet, calling to Jazz. “Its next weekend?!” “They've made gowns for the red carpet in less time and with worse fabric!” Vlad pushing Danny into the dressing room, phasing the boy through the wall into it. “URGHH! I just got this zipped!” Jazz groaned as she struggled to get the dress back off.

--owo--

“Finally! I got the cameras back online.” Tim stated as he looked at the screen on the device in his hands. “Well too late, they're already walking out.” Jason pointed out, staring at the shop through binoculars. Jazz's hair was frizzed and sticking up every where, her arms crossed as she walked in front of the two boys. She didn't look pleased. Vlad was carrying a bag, while on his phone, bringing up the rear. Danny was in the middle, trying to keep up with Jazz. He almost reached to grab her, but he pulled his hand back before he could, staring at the ground. Jason frowned. “Dammit.” Tim cursed, “I can't bring up the past hour either.” “This is ridiculous, why must we follow them? The ice cream shop will be closed soon!” Damian huffed from his spot on the roof. All of them wearing quick disguises. “Shh brat. You'll get your icecream if I have to make it myself.” Jason grumbled. “Ooo Jay offering to cook for us?” Dick grinned. “A. not cooking, freezing. B. Who the fuck said the offer was for all of you?” Jason huffed, still watching the three as they climbed into a limo. Extra Masters. Though he duck when both Danny and Vlad looked his way. “You would think they were looking right at us.” Dick narrowing his eyes, swearing they were. “Maybe they were.” Tim suspected. “Dumb asses. They couldn't see us from that distance.” Jason stated, more so to himself. “Then why did you duck?” Dick asked with a raised brow, keeping low behind a short wall. “Instinct...” Jason grumbled trying to blow it off. “Do you think Jazz is a meta?” Tim asked after a moment of silence, his eyes popping open as if he unlocked a sixth sense. All three of them looking at Tim with a confused expression. Except Damian's. His was annoyance. “No seriously. Her hair looked like a vacuum sucked it up! What if she short circuited the cameras?” They paused again to soak that possibility in. It was just as plausible as the other five hundred variant of theories they had going in the chat. If she was possibly a meta, which Jason doubted, then there was no way Bruce be okay with her being here. Especially because of her major. “Fuck...We have to make sure Bruce does NOT get more than five minutes with them.” Jason stated. “Attached?” Dick teased. “More like they deserve to live without needing a giant bat breathing down their neck.” “You are the ones stalking them.” Damian reminded, tapping his foot. His patience is running thin. The three made no remark.

#danny phantom #dp x dc #danny fenton #vlad masters #jazz fenton #batman #dc #crossover #fan fic #jason todd #barbara gordon #dick grayson #damian wayne #tim drake #batfamily #batfam #just for fun #raising phantom

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jitterbugjive · 1 year

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reversal-mushroom

Why get a new cat? Can you even afford a new cat? Every time something happens, you need to raise money.

1- I have PTSD and need a support animal, Sin’s cat is bonded to her and not me. I already lost my PTSD service dog which was hard enough.

2- Our other cat is stressed without another cat being present and has been destructive lately because of it. Cats do best with at least one other cat.

3- People tend to have to raise money for vet bills, that’s just how vet bills are. Zidane didn’t need the vet for anything serious until he was 12 years old, that’s 12 years of perfectly affordable vet bills. The vet praises the fact that we have very healthy well kept cats overall and they are indoor, so the likeliness of them having serious issues until old age is fairly low.

4- Why would it be fair for my room mate to have a pet she’s bonded with while I’m left alone after 14 years of having a close animal companion? That would only make me feel incredibly shitty and jealous over time.

5- I have always been successful at raising the money I need to raise when it’s needed

6- Aside from vet bills for serious issues, cats are INCREDIBLY affordable and self sufficient animals

7- This kitten I am adopting has 900 dollars worth of vet work covered plus a free vet exam and comes with food and supplies, I’m getting the best I can get for a pretty good price by comparison, and I can put it on my credit card and pay it off over time depending on how long it takes to raise the funds

8- I’m not so poor that I’m always on the verge of being on the streets, I have money in savings, but I prefer to immediately pay off large purchases as soon as possible and not have to use my savings for them. I don’t like buying anything more than $100 without paying it off within 2 weeks, that’s just how I invest in things.

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heartsoulspiritelite · 10 months

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Hangman Adam Page x Matt Jackson

BTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (this isn't really a relationship oneshot but it's mostly Hangman and Matt)

Summary-

They had lost the mutli million contract deal. They will never financially recover.

Matt been stressing out over this constantly, the guilt eats at him.

But little does he know that the boys aren't even mad at him anymore, they're all just joking around

Matt obviously does not know that. Hangman comes to comfort him.

Never financially recovering guilt

"Look you guys Im sorry alright" He apolagized for the millionth time

"No amount of pathetic sorrys will make up for how much money we lost Matt" Nick said stubbornly

The price changes everyday with them, they never stick with a number. It's not Matt's fault he really thought he knew what he was doing, Its not his fault Chili's and Wendy's decided to ghost him.

Then once again all three of them- Kenny, Nick and Adam flipped him off. They do that atleast 3 times a day.

Matt's acts like he doesn't care, but he does and the guilt eats away at him, he feels terrible. They were supposed to retire from wrestling and get a whole buttload of money, and a contract deal with Chili's or Wendys and now. Well, They will never financially recover from this.

Matt has pulled so many all nighters just because of how stressed out he was. He wanted to fix this. Infront of The Elite he acted like he sorry (which he really was) and that it was all over and there was nothing they could do but wrestle forever and that he fine on the inside.

But during those all nighters he wrote countless emails and made hundreds of phonecalls. Nobody answered.

Little did he know, the boys werent actually upset with him, maybe at first but they eventually got over it, All they were doing was just joking around and they thought Matt saw it as a joke too.

He did not.

Hangman was coming up to Matts hotel room that he shares with Nick while Nick was out to get food.

Nick was clueless about his brothers all nighters, Matt usally started his emails and calls once he was asleep.

Adam knocked on the door and opened it

"Hey matt how are ya-" He started before cutting himself off mid way to take in Matts rough state

"Woah man you look like shit, you alright?"

Since Matt hadn't slept practically at all these past few days he had bags under his eyes, His eyes were bloodshot, his hair was everywhere

"Gee thanks, Im fine" he replied sarcastically, sitting in the middle of his bed with his phone in his hand, staring at his friend and long time crush standing in the doorway

Adam leaned against the doorway and asked

"What have you been doing that's got you looking like that?" He was genuinally concerned

"nothing." He stated and ignored Adam

"Cmon Matty, tell me" he practically whined

"Dude this isn't good for you, you look tired man you need sleep" He came over to the bed and sat on the end of it.

Matt was very overwhelmed, He didn't want them to still be mad at him, even though it wasn't completely his fault.

"Im sorry hanger" he said in a teary voice and curled up into a ball.

"About what hun?" he said in a soothing voice.

"I pitted two effin companies against each other and lost us millions of dollars Hanger, It's all my damn fault" He confessed frustratedly.

"Matt.."

"What" He said miserably

"Yknow, it's okay, right? It's not your fault. It's really not your fault man, plus the boys and I really aren't mad at you. It was all sarcasm, I mean sure we were absolutely pissed off at first. But Matthew we we're just joking around" Adam explained softly

"What?.." He said, lifting his head up looking confused and tired

"We thought you knew we were joking"

"Well obviously not Adam." He said annoyed at this whole situation

"I'm sorry Matt" he apolagized and went to give the sleep deprived man a hug.

They sat there hugging for what felt like forever but they both knew Matt needed it.

"So you're really not mad?" He asked softly

"No" the other man whispered while lightly breaking the hug

"You need sleep, don't fight it." Adam says to Matt sternly

He lays the oldest buck down on the bed and pulls the blankets overtop of him and goes turns the light off

He was about to leave the room when

"Please stay" He hears him whisper

Adam would never say no to him so of course he walks back over with a smile and cuddles up next to him in the hotel bed.

They both had gotten the best sleep they had ever had that night.

~Cross-posted on wattpad & ao3~

#hangman adam page #matt jackson #hangmatt #aew imagine #oneshot #aew #young bucks #the elite #cowboy shit

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eternitysoup · 2 months

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As I write this, my stomach is killing me because I had to stay up late and drink a RedBull and eat some donuts. What was I thinking? Anyway, onto my thoughts this morning.

Frugality is a hard necessity to master. Or maybe I'm just stressing because it's the 1st of the month, and I'm paying off some debts while watching our paycheck shrink just hours after it hit the bank. The first thing we did was pay back my sister and our neighbor: $300 and $420, respectively. They are great lifelines for loans when we need them, and I don't want to jeopardize anything like that. Someone who will lend you a few hundred bucks until payday without interest is just indispensable in these times.

The second thing I did was pay off the phone bill entirely. I had been making half payments on it for a while, but it didn't stop them from cutting it off last week. So this paycheck, I doubled up and paid everything off, past due $108, and current due $118, so I don't owe anything more until May. Having a phone is very important, even if I never leave my house. Also saw a notice that they are raising their base prices on my bill. Fun.

The third bill to be taken care of this morning is the electric bill. I'm still so miffed that last month, TXU charged me $25 because they charged my empty debit card instead of using the checking account I know I had set up in their app. I blame them, but I probably missed a step or a button somewhere.

After paying the electric bill, I took care of the Xfinity bill for $144 since it was due on the 3rd anyway.

I sat down and started going over our monthly pet supply order from Chewy. The dog needs new supplements, and we have to buy different cat food this time since it seems like the little girl cat throws up with the current brand. We're switching from Iams to PurinaOne this month to see how it does, and it's also on sale for a good price.

Funny thing, while I was doing my Chewy order, it said, "Orders over $100 get a free $30 gift card," so I used the promo code, and it increased my total amount. They charged me more tax and also took away my other discounts for brand loyalty with our American Journey dog food. My order was $280 before the promo and $285 after it. I opted to keep the promo, though, because I'm still ahead $25 with how it all shakes out, and the gift card will definitely be used in May.

That just leaves rent for $897, four credit card payments of about $50 each, and various small subscriptions like Hulu ($9), PS Plus ($17), YouTube ($25), and my FFXIV subscription ($15). I'm also aiming to put $100 in savings. So that leaves about $557 for the month for food, household items, or anything else that may come up. I definitely don't want to spend that entire remainder if I don't have to.

Side note: Absolutely forgot we have to return the old comcast equipment, still. Some of that stuff has been in our closet a year.

#journal #my blog #blog #life #my journal #my stuff #my post #finance #financial #money stuff #budget

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salaciousslut · 4 months

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Done! Also do you have a favorite tequilla brand? Just curious! 🫣

Technically i have freckles all over my face but i only really count the ones that are darker and in a line under my eyes and over my nose, the other ones aren't prominent enough to call them freckles imo. And i'd feel more than lucky if you did worship me, sweetheart<3

I would love to take you to the gym with me, it honestly helped me with my depression as well! And of course i'd watch over you sweetheart<3 i wont lie, i love to go after dark bc theres less people. And i had the same problem but now i catch myself and try to stand straighter. I mostly lift weights when i work out so I know my posture improved due to needing to have a straight back to lift. Plus its super fun imo!! I miss the gym so bad but i hate going alone. I also miss feeling sore, im a bit of a masochist so i love feeling sore the day after working out🤭

Dont apologize for giving me info<3 organization's overrated anyway. Ive found that girls with glasses tend to be my type🫣 you literally sound so pretty sweetheart<3 i knew i wasnt wrong calling you a pretty princess<3 im kissing the tip of your nose and your forehead rn🥰 you are literally so cute, puppy coded too🥺 ive never had crawfish it seems yummy but im not sure if i should try it! Shrimp ceviche used to be my favorite but then i developed a shrimp allergy to uncooked shrimp and around 17 i had to call it quits bc it stopped being worth it to risk it. Im still pissed but at least i can still eat shrimp its just gotta be thoroughly cooked, not just get cooked through the acidity of lime juice like its sucks so bad i just miss ceviche so bad. Ohh just a butch latina and a pretty asian girl what ever will they do hehe<3 and i knew but not cause you told me 🫣 your dni made it obvious, like yeah im just now saying hey but ive been aware of you for a little bit now🫣 also please lemme be ur body pillow one day<3 savory is good!!! Whats your favorite kind of snack?

Also thats adorable, youre just a cute little puppy that has to get off once a day to function her best<3 i mean if i were stressed from school i'd probably need the same thing🤭

tbh im not too picky about my brands, as long as it gets me drunk, then im happy!! also tequila makes me take my clothes off oopsies i think i should warn u about that!! but if im buying for myself, i typically will get espolon bc i feel like its yummy and reasonably priced!

yes i love feeling sore after a workout!! i am also a bit of a masochist (omg who knew)!! but ive never lifted weights before. all the dude bros scare me and i feel like im always being judged but if we went together i know u would take care of me!! i like aerobics and like calisthenics (i had to google how to spell that word) and love yoga sm!! the burn of stretching feels amazing!!

hehe i am very puppy coded! i used to think i was more kitten coded but now ive grown and realized puppies are sooo fun!! so much energy and just wanna be cherished and loved!! which is everything i want!!

nooooo thats so sad that ur allergic to ur fav food :(( i love ceviche but at least u can still tolerate the cooked version. i know its not the same but its still something!!

ohhh i forgot that i put that in my dni, people are so weird about race here smh i just gotta cover all my bases so i can have fun on this website!! but aww we would look soooo cute together

im a sucker for chips. u know how they say all bi girls do is lie and eat hot chip? yeah all i do is eat hot chip hehehe. not so much lying but hot chip very much so. i also loveee chips and salsa and chicken wings and yeah all the fun savory stuff i guess!!!

hehe cumming is like a lil treat!! a reward for myself for being sooo good you know? but it would be a million times better if someone else was making me cum rather than myself 😳🫣

#ci answers #butch my beloved

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nyrator · 6 months

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Got the Rotten Nyan tumblr queued up with art I've neglected to post on there.. keeping a few more sketchy doodley art still on Twitter/the website, but should be all up a little after midnight my time~

... still feel really self conscious with the kind of content I've been making vent art of lately, please don't be afraid to message me with any concerns or criticisms... I tried tagging it all with a custom warning tag (that way it won't nuke the post, I think...) hopefully that's enough... if not hopefully people let me that as well

In other life news, I'm seeing a therapist, got a job, etc~ More in the cut

So, yeah. Life.

Still a vtuber, but feels like I've stalled lately... Not in terms of growth (if anything I keep growing), but in terms of motivation. I have a list of games to play, but I just can't focus on playing games anymore, it's rough.. mostly do zatsus, but even those are pretty hit or miss and sometimes I spiral into really dumb personal unprofessional rambles...

My art commissions are picking up- more than I can handle, honestly... My clients have gotten pretty big and it's getting me recognition, I have a few big offers in store once I can get around to them and I'm excited about it... but commissions are hard. I'm going to raise prices in January, and I try to accept five a month... but I can't keep up. I can't even do one a month it feels like... And yet I keep getting dozens of requests..

So in spite of this, because of my own doing and lack of doing, I've been bleeding a lot of money. I'm at a dangerous point of money... so I finally got a seasonal job at a local chocolate shop.

Haaaaaaaa.....

It's rough... I was in a huge depression over it, and I still don't want to work... The people are nice, the hours are light, and the pay is better than expected, but it's still so stressful... My social anxiety is terrible lately, it makes me want to curl into a ball and cry. I can't stand it, I can't stand being seen, I can't focus or memorize anything on the register, I can't handle dealing with customers or fast-paced environments...

They say the season lasts until Easter because of the nature of the store, but maybe I'll leave after Christmas time if it doesn't work out.. It's really a pain, and also could affect things like my food stamps and subsidized rent. Plus, the gas I have to spend, the clothes I had to buy, etc etc.. I wonder if it'll be worth it (probably, but nyeh)

I'm in need of money, though... one, my phone is on its last legs. The battery barely lasts an hour, it's very slow and unresponsive, and the 32 GB of storage is becoming more and more unwieldy.. Going to maybe buy one tonight...

My throat is also been a mess lately- I've had trouble swallowing, to the point I was unable to eat anything without a 50-50 chance of just choking on it. Drinking water was like waterboarding, it was like I was drowning. After raising my mattress, it's helped a lot, but not entirely, so I think it's something to do with scarring thanks to acid reflux- been trying to get an endoscopy for a year and finally have one scheduled in mid December. I'm worried how much it might cost.. hoping insurance covers it, but I still had to pay almost a thousand for my colonoscopy a few years back, which terrifies me...

Other small things- items I'd like to own, taking care of Bootsie (she's fine but overdue for a checkup and she's like 13 years old), etc.

But yeah, therapy. Also started taking that- we're trying to avoid me taking any medication, but I'm afraid I might need it.. I see her every week and I've been going since early October, and she seems like a decent therapist- she's the same age as me and understands a lot of internet culture, which.. is weird to talk to someone like that who "gets it" (she's a cosplayer, for example, and knows of vtubers), but it's nice.

Been reliving a lot of past stuffs... Been trying to improve, had some good phases, but fell back apart recently and not sure how far I can really get... keeping my apartment clean is hard, feeding myself is hard, drawing and doing anything is hard. I don't watch any media these days besides some indie vtubers I know, I don't really do much of anything but be depressed.

My biggest issue, as always, is my complex/trauma/whatever you want to call it... I've started trying to embrace it the past year. I've openly admitted to it, I made an alternate Twitter account for vent art of it, etc. But it makes me hate myself so much... It's become an addiction it feels like. Do I let it consume me and fully embrace it, even though it will push people away and make people think worse of me? Even though it will attract strange people who want creepy things from me? Even though it's expensive and gross and exhausting and uncomfortable to manage?

Or do I try to quit cold turkey? Get it all out of my system, and then never talk about it again. Delete the vent account, stop drawing it, stop being paranoid without things to take care of it, and just move on. I don't know. It's a part of me. But I hate it. And I really hate myself for it, it's my biggest tool to hate myself with.

But I've tried to embraced it, and that's what the RN update will have, and I apologize for it. I don't know how to move forward now. Therapy reopened a lot of thoughts about it- it really is a weird trauma, and a lot of it stems from my childhood... I want it gone. I want to be okay and not hurt myself mentally...

But such is life I supposeee. Again, I apologize that most of my art lately has been venting about it.. even if I embrace it, I don't want to be exclusively that kind of artist, you know? It's just one of many aspects. But it's invasive. And I don't want it to be invasive, but I don't know how to handle it.

The main goal of therapy is to get me drawing again. To give me what I've lost- a drive and motivation to continue. It feels like I just go through the motions when I draw. It's awful. I can't picture anything, no ideas. Rotten Nyan is completely stagnant lately. I don't know what to do about it. Life is just empty and depressing, it feels like. I gave up on myself, and now I don't know how to un-give up. But that's what therapy's for. Hopefully it helps... She brought up medication again, and I wonder if I should try it at this rate...

My anxiety is very bad. I end up relying on my complex trauma coping methods a lot when anxious. It's embarrassing and gross. And it just fuels my anxiety more using those things. I can't stand driving, or being around people, or crowded situations. I can't handle stress, or excitement, or being praised, or anything. My nerves are shot and I just have to curl into a ball. I don't know how I'm going to improve, but I have to try...

And then my focus, which I just can't focus at all anymore.. I don't know if it's depression/anxiety, ADHD, or what, but I just can't focus at all. It's awful. Very forgetful, very not-able-to-draw.

Otherwise, not much different. Got the new Nagata Kabi manga (I still worry about her a lot... she's so relatable though, she speaks to me, but she flares my anxiety like crazy too...) Still obsessed with my Disney anime boy gacha game, it's great, Vil's great. Vil, Cater, Lilia, Jade... so many good characters....

I guess that's all for now. Hope everyone has a happy thanksgiving- will keep doing what I can to try to improve.

And again, I'm really sorry about my art output and that most of it is just gross vent art about a gross personal trauma... I'm sorry...

#text stuffs

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