#people being Weird About Grief part infinity

[mumblingsage]

You guys

you guys understand that when you express sympathy with "I'm sorry" and the person responds with "Don't be, it wasn't your fault," that person is cracking a joke, yes?

#worrying post going by on my dash #if you're in a circumstance where someone genuinely thinks you're taking fault for their hamster's balding or whatever...ya gotta talk #if you're terrified of being misinterpreted 'I'm sorry; that sucks' will clarify at once #it's a weak joke but it's still a joke! #people being Weird About Grief part infinity

[2000snotebook]

Ok so! Quick(ish) TrainChasersAU post for people who have recently followed me or don't follow me and see posts about this AU in the IT tag!

Blanket disclaimers:

there is quite a bit of character "death", but most of it's already happened prior to when the fic takes place

there is /temporary/ major character death

this fic deals with themes of guilt, grief, and loss. I will tag individual chapters as needed

I'm currently posting the full fic lore + where to read in this doc (a lot of it is stuff I've already stated in this post, but also includes more details about the main cast, side characters, and other important things), which i will eventually add to my neocities:

Train Chasers is a long term project of mine that puts more of a horror/mystery twist on the already mysterious world of Infinity Train. The fic takes place in the early 2000s. Amelia is the only character who gets picked up by the train at the same time she does in canon.

Two years before the plot of Train Chasers, Ryan Akagi and Min-Gi Park were two high school seniors who volunteered to chaperone middle school students on a field trip as part of a graduation requirement. They were placed in charge of four students: Mikayla King, Tulip and Lake Olsen, and Jesse Cosay. The group traveled to a forest on a nature hike. At some point, Ryan and Min Gi became momentarily distracted. A mysterious train appeared in the middle of the forest, and opened up in front of the kids. By the time Ryan and Min-Gi realized what had happened, they could only see what was left of Tulip getting sucked into the train before the doors suddenly shut and drove away. The two tried their best to chase after the train, but it seemingly disappeared without a trace, and there were no train tracks for them to follow. After a very lengthy and exhausting interrogation, the police ruled the disappearance a freak accident and cleared the two without charges. In the eyes of the town... they weren't so easily forgiven. The harassment got so bad that both ended up dropping out of school and Ryan eventually left town a year later.

When Train Chasers (the fic) actually starts, Grace comes into possession of a notebook talking about a weird "numbers train" that mentioned the same kids that went missing two years prior. With nothing better to do, Grace enlists Simon and a few old friends of hers to look into the case again and try to find that train again. She even runs into a few people who know more about the train than they let on.

Essentially: 50% of Train Chasers is getting on the train and finding the kids, the other 50% is getting off the train with the kids (and being able to finally clear Ryan and Min-Gi's names).

While not every single character will get deep focus outside of our main four + Amelia, you'll see a lot of non-protagonist characters pop up here and there, especially the denizens that accompany the main cast in canon (Especially Kez :D).

#long post #infinity train #TCAU rambles #ofc im always avalible to answer questions/clarify or correct things if needed #addae.txt

[batri-jopa]

Beware, the Homegrown Thinker strikes again:

Let's talk about 💀DEATH💀

All in all the death is too big to eat at once, if you'd ever try you'd choke. So you got to learn to cut death into tiny little pieces that you are able to swallow easily.

Okey, so when I was younger I really panicked when thinking about death or infinity and things like this. My mom told me that one just stops being afraid of death at some point of their life. It was hard for me to believe it but... Here I am. I can only try to tell you what I think changed my perspective.

A little kid thinks little of the fact that cat eats mice - it's just a matter of things. Then an older child starts to get the concept of death and it feels as if looking into the most gigantic hole in the ground. The Abyss. The Bottomless Pit. And instinctively, just like any other animal, child looks in the direction of the danger. Looks deep into the void to see something, anything, to fight with or tame, or avoid... But there is no use because it's too dark to see anything! And also it's just so big and deep there's literally no bottom to see anyway! But it doesn't keep child from staring into The Great Dark Silent Nothing, and the only feeling felt is undescribable fear of the unbelievable void hypnotysing and paralysining like the eye of a snake...

(I remember the time I looked into starry night sky with the same fear of infinity of the universe😅)

So, well that's not the way you deal with that topic.

Well, instead of looking directly into the death - you learn to look in other direction. Okey, "stop thinking about it" doesn't seem too mature right now, I know, but we'll get to it. Because what you do look at - is other people around the giant hole and how do they behave. You read about it, you watch movies, you speak with people. Obviously there's nobody who ever returned from down the hole. Some say they had near-death experience but... You never know if to believe them so it's not much use.

But there are people who lost somebody. You learn how they deal with their loss and their grief. Then at some point you learn that someone died and you remember thay heard about them. Then someone you know lost someone dear. Then you lose somebody you knew yourself. At some point you lose somebody you liked or loved...

The death topic is not to be avoided. The abyss is there, it's not going to disappear, you have to learn living with the knowledge of it being nearby. It never stops to be hurtfull this way or another, unfortunately. But it's not being afraid of your own death that's the worse part. The death is Nothing. So there's Nothing to be afraid of. Yeah, I know sounds banal and unbelievable again - I used to think that way too. But think about it this way: you can't be afraid of being absent more than you are afraid to fall deep asleep.

What you are afraid of actually - is not waking up.

Why is that? Why are we afraid to lose somebody? Why do we fear to never see someone dear again? Why are we afraid to be lost ourselves?

I think it's because of the loss. What a pity, all the lost occassions! I'm young, I still want to do so many things! I want to meet people, to love, to talk, to laugh! I want to see so many things, taste, discover, experience! If I won't - it's as if my life was irrelevant. As if I did not existed at all. As if my death was making my whole life pointless! So what would other people remember me by? What do I remember about others? And is that trally what make their existence valuable in my eyes?

I remember my old uncle every time I play table-tennis because he had tennis table in his basement and it inspired me to buy one too. I remember my cousin every time I cut a watermelon in a way she once showed me. I remember writers by their books, artists by their works, actors by their roles, wise people by their quotes. People who are dear to me - I'd remember them by their smiles, and topics that they were interested in, and their hobbies and passions, and little weird obsessions, and good ideas that I still find usefull, and their original jokes, and their favorite dish, and their most common outfit. And of course, most of all - the connection that was between us.

What would I be remembered for? What do I wish it was? I know most ppl only knows me and appreciate me for my profession. But for some reason I wish my job was not the only thing I could be remembered by... What do I want ppl to remember? The art I wished to make? The stories I wish to write down? I already shared a lot of my art and some of my writing - would I be satisfied enough for me to know that someone saw it and liked it? Smiled at it? Got inspired themselves with the stories that I showed? Maybe some of my thoughts and feeling will stay there after me? Maybe someone would feel what I feel? Get inspired to make good things? Encouraged to write their own story or make their own art and share it with the world so it could inspire another person? I am child-free but isn't spreading thoughts better than any genetic offsprings that might share nothing with me but physical resemblence?

So all in all the death is too big to eat at once, if you'd ever try you'd choke. You got to learn to cut death into tiny little pieces that you are able to swallow easily.

#hello there I'm perfectly fine and in good health thank you👍 #everybody needs to think or talk about death from time to time right? #there's sex-ed in some civilised countries (not mine) so where are the taming-fear-of-death classes? #okey the private conversation got out of hands #just ignore me #homegrown thinker #cw: death

[suckitsurveys]

How frequently are you inclined to read, and how much? Oh, never. School completely ruined reading for fun for me. It’s EXTREMELY rare that I’ll have enough brain power/desire to sit down and actually read a book. I can’t tell you the last time I finished a whole book. Also, people who make reading their entire personality make me wanna throw up, so that turns me off from reading books too haha.  

When was the last time you questioned the direction your life was taking? I don’t really question that honestly. I plan out so much other shit on a day to day basis that with my actual life and future I tend to just go with the flow. I am where I am and I’ll go where I go.

What small things have the ability to get under your skin? Literally anything my brother in law says, even if it is something I agree with. I just hate hearing that man’s opinion. 

When was the last time you were caused to be upset with someone? Last week when my sister didn’t make an effort to see me or have the girls see me before they all left for two weeks.

What is something small that has the ability to cure a bad mood? Food and kitties.

What beverage is best capable of quenching your thirst? I mean, water. Also bubble tea hahah.

What was the last big change through which you went? Do you deal well with change, typically? Have you always? Blah.

How do you feel after spending a great quantity of time online? Like shit, especially if I was was supposed to be doing something else during that time.

What do you consider to be the biggest drawback to being you? Having the brother in law I have.

What do you consider the best part of being who you are? My humor?

What kinds of things do you have on display in your room? So much crap.

What do you think your room and its contents say about you, if anything? I am an organized mess.

When was the last time you felt insecure about something/some situation? The last time today you mean?

Do you ever stop to contemplate infinity? Bro.

Are you comfortable amongst nature, or does the wilderness discomfit you? I like it for the most part.

When was the last time someone or something caught you off guard? The pizza I ordered for the office came WAY earlier than expected.

How much time do you put into maintaining your appearance and hygiene? Aahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Are there any foods you eat daily? Or wish you could? Not EVERY day, no. That would get boring.

When was the last time someone new entered your life? What was your first impression of that individual? My sister’s new little siste--I mean new friend Stephanie. She seems nice enough but I am also cautious about anyone who thinks my brother in law is cool because they are obviously a horrible judge of character. Also she BARELY knows my sister and my nieces and she’s already posting about hoiw much she loves all of them and she just gives me a bad vibe, not to mention my sister treats her better than she treats me.

Do you put much thought into your handwriting? My handwriting is shiiit.

What are some of the top priorities in your life right now? Summertime FUN. I am taking so many days off the next few weeks and trying not to feel guilty about it because I am BURNT OUT.

In general, how do you feel about romantic relationships? Um, they exist? I am in one? This is a weird question.

Which emotional sensation inconveniences or bothers you the most? Just, being fucking sad.

Are you capable of consoling others in their grief? Sure.

Do you ever find it awkward to compliment another being? Eh.

When was the last time you had a new experience? What was it? Riding an electric bike.

Do you dress more for yourself, or to the expectations of others? I wear what I like and find comfy. What kinds of things tend to stress you out? Every aspect of my life.

What is one way you cope when you feel like crap? Food.

Name an insult you regularly receive, if there is one? There is one glaring insult that could be said to be on a daily basis but thankfully I don’t hear it from anyone often, other than from me to me.

Name a site that takes up a lot of your time? Fucking Tik Tok.

What is something you used to believe about life that you no longer do? I’m not sure.

What is a lesson you have recently learned? I’m learning to not feel so guilty saying “no.”

Do you have a tendency to look on the morbid side of life? I have a dark sense of humor sometimes, sure.

When was the last time you went shopping? What did you buy? I went grocery shopping the other day but I desperately need to go shopping for a new bra and some shoes for Lollapaloozaaaaaaaaaa.

When you shop for clothing, how long does it take you? I mean, it really varies.

What is something fun you have done within the past week? Saw Le Tigre this past Saturday!

What is something you hope you never have to do again? Interact with my brother in law. Unfortunately that’s not happening unless my sister wakes the ever loving fuck up.

How does the rain affect your mood, if it does? I like rainy days but that can also mean water in our apartment, so.

#surveys

[therealvinelle]

What do you think the Cullens would do if some person they were talking to, out of nowhere just quite literally exploded in front of, and on them? Kinda like in that movie Spontaneous. Would they lose control and slurp up the mess on the ground, (and themselves) or would their bloodlust be curtailed by shock of wtf just happened?

I'd say something witty about how this is a strange anon to receive, but holy jesus you've sent me down a rabbithole.

Here's a trailer to the movie Spontaneous. It looks amazing. Kevin Feige wishes this had been his plot for Infinity War.

Here's a trailer for the movie Spontaneous Combustion, which I found by accident while searching for your fic. This looks amazing too. Can't believe Marvel didn't buy the rights to this guy.

I'm serious, people, you definitely want to watch these trailers. I just about died laughing.

So, on to your ask.

In the spirit of your ask, which implies a level of randomness, I thought the people blowing up should be random too. So, being in the mood to procrastinate through spending way too much time on tumblr things, I wrote a program that'll generate for me random Twilight characters.

Unsure whether the explosion should kill vampires or not, I generated an answer. The answer is yes, any generated vampire dies.

Without further ado:

Alice watches Vladimir blow up.

Alright, alright.

The first question to be answered here is why Alice is in Vladimir's presence in the first time. In canon they only meet once, at the end of Breaking Dawn.

For the sake of simplicity, we'll have Vladimir blow up then.

The Cullens and the witnesses are all celebrating being alive, when Vladimir suddenly explodes.

For the sake of the ask, Alice is sitting closest to him when this happens and making conversation.

Her first thought is utter shock. Not just that he blew up, but that she didn't see it coming (she wouldn't, because I randomly generated him. No decision was made). Her second thought is horror.

The Cullens just confronted the Volturi, now mere hours afterwards their allies are blowing up.

Holy fuck, Aro has a gifted ace up his sleeve, and he's using it to kill them remotely.

Panic ensues, not just for Alice, but among all the witnesses. Some of them refuse to leave, Bella has to shield those 24/7, though given the belief that her gift is psychic that doesn't make them feel very safe.

The others decide to go after the Volturi and beg for mercy, assuring them they never meant to challenge them.

Aro, of course, is very confused, but agrees. Why, yes, he does have a vampire who blows people up. Yes, yes he does.

Bella watches Aro blow up.

Oh I'm dying laughing at this one. And wishing I'd put this down for Carlisle, that would be even funnier, but alright.

Bella is walking about post-Breaking Dawn, minding her own business, when suddenly Aro appears in front of her. He looks around himself, utterly surprised by his sudden deplacement, and then blows up.

Bella has been living in terror of this man for years.

In Volterra he had his servant torture her and Edward and then made ominious threats, then a few months later the Eclipse disaster unfolded, finally we have Breaking Dawn where he showed up to murder her and everyone she loved.

Her shield may be powerful, but for as long as Aro was alive her family was never truly safe.

His untimely implosion changes all of that.

I imagine after a long moment of incredulity, Bella burns the rubble, just to be sure, then tells her family the joyous news.

Carlisle gives the guy a funeral. It's weird.

Carlisle watches Vassilii blow up.

Close call, due to my not switching out the names we almost had Angela. In which case Carlisle have stood there, covered in blood and in shock for several long seconds, before bringing out the bleach and gasoline for a crime scene clean.

As it is, Carlisle is minding his own business when suddenly an immortal child dressed like a medieval Eastern European appears before him. It says something in a foreign language that might mean "hi", he doesn't know but he says "hi" to it back, then the child blows up.

Carlisle stares at the rubble for a very long time, wondering if he is perhaps losing his mind. If, perhaps, Aro was right about animal blood being a slow suicide, and Carlisle has finally hit the limit for how long a vampire can go on without human blood.

He burns the rubble and prays for the child's soul, as an immortal child is doomed anyway, and keeps his silence about what happened. In part because there's a solid chance this was all in his imagination.

If Aro ever touches his hand again, and sees the immortal child that he burned a thousand years earlier resurrect, travel through time, all in order to blow up in front of Carlisle, he... well there comes a point where you say "nothing to see here" and refuse eye contact with the universe glitching.

Edward watches Randall blow up.

Randall, for the ignorants, is one of Carlisle's friends that came to witness for the Cullens in Breaking Dawn.

Suddenly he appears in front of Edward, says hi and how do you do, and then he blows up.

Edward tells Carlisle, who is saddened by this, and they try to piece the guy together. They fail.

Edward sends a somber thought to this noble man who agreed with Edward that the Cullens are awesome enough to be worth dying for.

Emmett watches Mary blow up.

Emmett will never admit it, but it's the coolest, raddest thing he's ever seen.

Esme watches Eleazar blow up.

Oh boy.

The Cullens are visiting the Denali. Irina has not been dead for long, but given the crystal clear memory of vampires, and the loss they already suffered (Sasha's death traumatized them) it doesn't really matter how long it's been, the Denali are devastated anyway.

The whole coven is as fragile as it can possibly get.

Then, Eleazar goes to join Esme in the kitchen, and explodes all over her and the kitchen.

The remaining Denali and the Cullens are called to the kitchen by the sound of Esme's screaming, and find her in hysterics, surrounded by gray rubble.

The Denali are near catatonic with grief at this point, while cooking has been ruined for Esme. One moment you're making food, the next people are exploding all over your kitchen.

Yeah.

Esme is not okay.

Jasper watches Nahuel blow up.

It's a shameful moment in his life.

But, hybrids are edible.

And that blood was splattered all over him.

Jasper has the worst control fail of his life, worse even than when he failed with Bella because this fail means he can't be around Renesmée anymore.

It's miserable all around.

The one highlight here is that it didn't happen when they were headed to the Volturi trial together.

Rosalie watches Emmett blow up.

Jesus christ, random Twilight character generator, just when I thought you were just going to give me boring results.

Not only does Rosalie lose the love of her life, the guy who kept her together, the one good thing she had going for her who made her life worth living, but he did so right in front of her, blowing up out of nowhere.

There's no explanation to be had, no culprit to be found, no reason for it. She had no goodbye, just as she can have no revenge.

She will never have closure.

Renesmée watches Renée blow up.

We go out on a high note, my god. Well done, generator, I'm laughing.

Renesmée is curious enough about her grandmother to go to Florida. She was going to watch from afar, but finds herself talking to the woman who raised her mother.

It's all going well until Renée suddenly explodes all over Renesmée.

Renesmée's first thought is nothing, she's in shock.

Then...

Well, she was controlled as an infant, so I don't think an adult Renesmée would lose it unless under extreme circumstances, like if she encountered a singer.

More, though, Renesmée might have any reasons of her own not to drink human blood, but she has been raised with this being a big no-no.

So she shouldn't.

However...

Is she ever going to get a better chance?

Ethically, she could easily argue this is the right choice. No one will be negatively affected by this, at least not directly.

The human is right there, already dead, and there's no body so while Renesmée does have to clean up the gore. Hell, if she laps up the blood on her clothes and the ground she will be cleaning up. Why waste perfectly good blood?

If Renesmée Cullen is ever going to have human blood, this is it.

It will come down to how much she respects her grandfather, and how important she believes Renée was to Bella.

-

Bonus, because I'm having way too much fun with this:

Bree watches Atheonodora blow up.

Bree is minding her own business when suddenly a vampire unlike any she has ever seen before, one with hazy eyes and odd skin, appears before her. They stare at each other. Then the woman blows up.

Bree takes this to mean that exploding is apparently something vampires just do sometimes, runs off in a panic and, sobbing, tells Riley.

Riley, having no idea what to make of any of this, tells her it was those evil yellow-eyes with their witchcraft and sorcery.

#twilight #twilight meta #twilight renaissance #jasper hale #alice cullen #edward cullen #esme cullen #emmett cullen #carlisle cullen #rosalie cullen #renesmée cullen #renée dwyer #bella swan #aro #athenodora #bree tanner #vladimir #nahuel #randall #mary #vasillii

[tertiary-eternal]

Eternals Appreciation: Part 2

Phastos

Spoilers for Eternals

Phastos. Where to begin?

A great character and a pleasant surprise compared to what I expected of him. I thought Phastos would be interesting but suspected because of his powers and role as "smart guy" he’d be relegated to back-up/support.

As it is, while he didn't "really" enter main plot until late in the game, he did so at a major turning point and with a whole lot of energy.

 Obviously, some of that is plot. Phastos is the last piece in the puzzle that makes stopping the Emergence a real possibility instead of a vague idea, which sets Ikaris into high gear for the final confrontation.

But also, Brian Tyree Henry put a lot of gusto and enthusiasm into Phastos at certain points. Sometimes he's the put-upon genius, annoyed by the others immaturity and frustrated that his brilliance is being stymied.

Other times, he's vibrating with energy and potential as he sets about creating a new solution to a problem. He was a loving father, awkwardly trying to shelter his son and teach him the right lessons. 

He was a cynical isolationist, burdened by grief and stubbornly insisting he didn't care about the fate of Humanity anymore despite all the obvious evidence to the contrary. 

And when it was time to fight he showed up on that beach with so much presence and umph, ready and able to kick ass despite supposedly being a thinker not a fighter.

I saw some grousing early on about the bomb connection. It has mostly died down after people actually watched the movie and realized the actual context. But even if Phastos had been directly responsible instead of just blaming himself, I still would have been into it. I think it's nice to have a gay character with actual flaws and guilt and themes that are relevant to the story being told instead of a cardboard cut-out with a cute, shippable relationship and nothing else.  

Headcannons:

Phastos's husband Ben is a huge Kingo fan. Phastos knows this and hates it.

Also I had this weird idea that maybe Phastos helped construct the Eye of Agamotto? 

I know he's not magic oriented but if you needed a piece of technology to help safely channel and contain vast cosmic energy like an Infinity Stone contacting an Eternal would probably be your best bet. So maybe he worked with Agamotto/The Ancient One to build the frame and then they enchanted it?

#phastos #ben stoss #eternals #eternals spoilers #eternals appreciation #eternals mcu

[bloodstainsontengensfloor]

Tsumiki and Megumi childhood HeadCanons!

*some slight spoilers on what happened to Megumi’s dad

———————————————————————-

BEFORE the abandonment: 

-Megumi didn’t like Tsumiki when they first met. She was so happy... why? Like him, she only had one parent and didn’t have the nicest things. She smiled despite not having the nicest clothes, not having the nicest toys, and with not having a dad.

-They walked to school together and Tsumiki would just talk his ear off

-Megumi didn’t really warm up to her until he tripped and scraped his knee and Tsumiki’s entire cheerful demeanor changed and she went to fretting over him

-It annoyed him but at the same time... made him feel happy

-He warmed up to her gradually after that. She always checked in how he was doing as his dad started to check in less and less

-Megumi was aware that his dad didn’t care for Tsumiki’s mom as much as someone you married should, and was surprised when he found out that Tsumiki shared the same sentiments 

-Tsumiki and Megumi’s dad... she was a ray of sunshine to him of course and he... had literally no clue how to deal with it. He also didn’t like how a second grader was a better parent than him, but in the end... he knew Megumi would be in good hands 

-(If he stayed around, Tsumiki and Toji would have a relationship like Hori and her dad for Horimiya I take no arguments) 

AFTER the abandonment: 

-Megumi’s dad left first. he didn’t really understand what was happening or why his dad stopped coming to say goodnight and then stopped coming home at all

-Tsumiki was emotional over it for the sake of Megumi and her mom, and started to do little things like get Megumi small gifts when they would walk from school- little stuffed animals (the first one was a dog ofc), chocolates, candies, etc. 

-When Tsumiki’s mom left, leaving only a little money behind, Megumi expected Tsumiki to cry or shut herself in, but she didn’t. She took on the role of taking care of him and barley took care of herself. 

-He didn’t know why his non emotionally constipated sister wasn’t crying and was smiling. Why was she not showing her hurt? Her dad left her and her mom, and now her mom left her too. 

-”Don’t worry about it! She’ll be back soon!” Tsumiki had said when making breakfast for them. 

-Oh, Megumi thought, she was in denial. 

-When the denial ended, Tsumiki didn’t show any evidence of going through the other stages of grief. When he asked her about it one day, Tsumiki sighed, and looked really tired. “I saw it coming. I don��t remember my dad much, but I remember how he was in the days leading up to when he left.’ 

-”Stupid Sister,” Megumi said as Tsumiki tried to do the dishes. “Go to sleep. You suck at cleaning anyway.” 

-A year of them living alone was fine. Neither of them asked for anything too much and Tsumiki tried to hide the fact that the money was running low as a year was about to pass

-Megumi was having trouble sleeping one night and he and Tsumiki were playing hand shadows. and then. DOGS. Tsumiki screamed but then started coddling them whereas Megumi was just like shocked. 

-Megumi was confused at Tsumiki’s naivety but eventually the dogs melted into the shadows again  

-Enter creepy dude with white hair. 

-Tsumiki saw him talking to Megumi, got a broom, and attempted to whack this giraffe on the head 

-But infinity kicked in, and Gojo was invited inside to explain everything. 

-Literally everything. Tsumiki asked a lot of questions and was taking notes. If this was something Megumi would be involved in, she had to know as much as she could. They would have been more skeptical had Megumi not discovered   his technique. 

-Gojo stayed the night by accident, and woke up to Megumi and Tsumiki using the stove, cooking food etc and he wasn’t surprised that they could do this, but rather annoyed that a second grader and first grader could do this and he couldn’t. 

-When Gojo ‘officially’ became their guardian, he teleported into the house with party poppers and the certificate yelling “IM YOUR GUARDIAN!” 

-Tsumiki just was in shock for a moment before politely smiling. She was more of an adult than this teenager at this point. 

-Megumi just deadpanned and went “Why”. 

-They had a nice little dinner after that, and because Gojo would always spoil them, they both got luxuries they never had before. 

-They got like phones and ipads or ipods or whatever was the most popular product at the time. Tsumiki was so grateful and embarrassed whereas Megumi was annoyed but accepting. 

-Tsumiki and Megumi would eat dinner together, and with Gojo whenever he came 

-Tsumiki kept on trying to get Megumi to open up a lot more, and he always gets annoyed over it and will rarely ever talk about how he’s feeling

-Except that one night when Megumi had a nightmare that he was alone. Alone in the shadows, unable to summon anything to help him or comfort him, and just wandering down a dark, dark road. At one point, he entered a hall of mirrors, and he saw Tsumiki in one. He was so scared at that point that he kept on trying to get to her but she changed mirrors every time. Megumi shattered every mirror with his fists, cutting them open. In the end, all that was left was a lily flower. 

-Megumi, aged 10, woke up crying silent tears and ran into Tsumiki’s room. Tsumiki woke up, concerned but aware that her prying would get her nowhere. She sat up and Megumi hugged her so tight. He ended up sleeping in her room for the next week after that. 

-”Megumi..’ 

-” I’m gonna protect you-” 

-”i.... okay.’ 

-Tsumiki never curses... unless talking about her father, her mother, and Megumi’s dad 

-They are both aware Gojo killed him, he almost let it slip when first meeting Megumi and he relayed the info to Tsumiki. 

-One time, Gojo asked about Tsumiki’s parents. Megumi was asleep at that point and Gojo was terrified. 

-seeing the nice, angel, sunshine 12 year old he knew for years curse worse than Utahime whenever Gojo was remotely near her?? 

-Please, Tsumiki’s abandonment issues are off the chart. That’s why sometimes she gets too involved in Megumi’s life because she cannot lose him. No matter what. He’s her little brother who’ll scold her if she works too much or tries to take care of too many people. 

-Now... for some reason, I Headcanon Tsumiki has lesbian, or having at least some kind of wlw vibes. Idk why... 

-Tsumiki told Megumi first ofc, and he didn’t understand why it was a big deal. 

-”Ok and?” 

-”y-you don’t think it’s weird?” 

-”You can like who you like, it isn’t hurting anyone. If you wanna date a girl, date a girl.” 

-Tsumiki was grateful to have a brother like Megumi 

-Now as for Megumi’s possible coming out for whatever his sexuality (personally i headcanon him as pan, but this will be opened ended for whatever you headcanon) 

-Tsumiki just got so happy for him. Began researching everything about it. 

-”AWWW MEGS!!” 

-hugs. lots of hugs. Always. 

-As they got older, they started to but heads more. but despite whatever petty arguments or fights they had, at the end of the day, they loved each other and would do anything for each other. 

-and sadly... I gotta add some part of 

AFTER THE CURSE: 

-Megumi came in yelling and screaming. The denial?? He was convinced this was some prank to get him to stop fighting kids. 

-It broke Gojo’s heart. It was the most emotion he ever saw from Megumi and that kind of hysterical accusation of it being a prank soon dissolved into full on sobbing. Gojo hugged the boy as tight as Tsumiki would 

-”Never again... I’m... I’m going to get stronger. Then no curse will hurt her again... that’ll work right?” 

-Gojo patted the boy head. “Yea... it will. But it won’t be easy.” 

-Megumi’s emotions settled and he quickly wiped his tears away. His emotionless expression returned but it was different... There was more fire, more resolve, as he said “i know.” 

-Every Friday he visits Tsumiki. He tells her everything that happened in the week.

-”And then he ate it. Tsumiki he may be more naive then you. He ate the finger.” 

-When talking to Tsumiki, he reveals his ability to tell stories. Like it’s amazing. He can distinctively set up a scene  and gets a little more emotion  in his voice. 

-God Forbid if Kugisaki or Itadori ever saw him when he told Tsumiki stories

—————————————————————

WOO! This has been in my drafts for a while, so here! I hope you enjoyed!

Thanks for reading!

#jujutsu kaisen #jjk #fushiguro megumi #fushiguro tsumiki #megumi headcanons #satoru gojo #gojo satoru #jjk headcanons #jjk anime #anime #siblings #toji fushiguro

[beepbeepbobop]

Back again.

I was telling my friend (who isn’t a Baccano! fan, but listens to me ramble) about my take on immortals and Czeslaw, and I don’t know where to put it, so!  It goes here.  As a warning, this is mostly me rambling and probably treads ground that has been talked about a lot in the past, but I hope it’s interesting anyway.

(This and the Infinity Train post is not a sign that I’m going to be more active in the future.  Social media and the prospect of interacting with other people’s posts still make me anxious.  Maybe one day.)

So!  The first thing to keep in mind is that change is a major theme in Baccano!.  No one is incapable of changing, but people have different relationships with it depending on who they are.  Czes can't believe that he has changed seventy years after Isaac & Miria stealing him despite clear evidence that he has.  Meanwhile, Nile actively resists change:  His greatest fear after becoming immortal was that he would become desensitized to the loss of human life and begin to devalue it, so he spent decades fighting in active war zones so that he'd never forget the reality of death.  This backfired, and instead left him inured to loss of life...but it's clear that he doesn't want to be this way?  Realizing that he's gotten to the point where his expression doesn't even change if someone dies is devastating for him.  Chane is the opposite:  While it's absolutely for the best that she stops being a hitwoman and killing machine for her father, softening up is terrifying to her because then she can't serve her father the way she wants to.   Czes is on the opposite end of the spectrum, because he wants to be better because he thinks he's a bad person (later on, he decides that he's the only bad person left in the world.  Sir.), but can't recognize it because he doesn't feel different.

And...this is pertinent to the older immortals in particular - I'd argue even moreso than with the younger ones.  Aside from the fact that the Elixir literally stops you from changing in the sense of age or injury...it also has to place inhibitors on your brain.  Your brain is, after all, a physical part of your body!  There are some....weird aspects about immortality that no one is able to figure out (for example, immortals can give birth; someone also pointed out that there are no examples of crying in reverse even though that's also a part of your body), but it's still safe to say that the brain doesn't age either because then...then a lot of the cast would be catatonic from Alzheimer's.  Even without that, the human body can only retain so many memories.  If an immortal's brain had the ability to deteriorate over time or overload based off of the amount of memories it contains....well, I don't think any of the older immortals would be able to function.  Szilard definitely wouldn't be able to function (and neither would Firo after he devours Szilard) because Szilard has the memories of over a dozen people running around in his brain.  Which brings me to my next point:  If an immortal's brain functioned like a human's, devouring would not work as a concept.  One of the hallmarks of being immortal is gaining other people's memories.  Imagine the strain that would cause.  And yet, it doesn't seem to be a problem!  The chief worry of those who have devoured other immortals is worrying that having the memories of the other person might change you consciously or subconsciously.  This is Firo's concern over devouring Szilard.

So...the fact that the brain doesn't physically grow older or change (with some leniency given because real world science sure is iffy here)...feels relevant because, mn...

Many of the older immortals feel stagnant, or stuck in time.  Firstly, if the immortals changed at the same pace as a human being, I don't think most of them would be recognizable from one era to the other.  And yet, they are!  The Victor Talbot of the 1700s is clearly the same person as the Victor Talbot of the 1930s, albeit with alterations (because what kind of person would stay exactly the same after centuries?).  The answer to that question is Elmer, by the way.  Everyone comments on how he acts just like the Elmer they remember back in the day.  But Elmer is a special case, seeing as he's our local empty shell and probable sociopath (not that he has ASPD!  ASPD, sociopathy and psychopathy all present and function entirely differently from each other, which makes it....strange that they're lumped under the same umbrella - but that's another matter).  Secondly, immortals...Uhm, they all handle grief horribly, and seem to feel stuck in the past?  Maiza, for instance, acts starkly different from his past as a rebellious noble-boy gang member, but he's never forgiven himself for giving Gretto the information that led to his death.  (Gretto being his brother.)  Huey's overarching goal is to bring his dead girlfriend back to life, and he's been working towards this goal for centuries.  Sylvie, who admittedly was not an immortal when Gretto died, held off on drinking the Elixir until she was all grown up, then set out to finding Szilard to take revenge on him for killing the boy she had run away with.  This lasted for, you guessed it, centuries.

This isn't to say that immortals don't change, or even that they don't change drastically.  I mentioned Nile, who became inured to death after fighting in war for decades.  Czes went from a trusting, innocent child to someone paranoid and self-centered enough to try and get an entire train car's worth of people killed for his own safety to someone who wants to be a good person, but thinks he never will be and that there's something fundamentally wrong with him.  But changing appears to be very, very difficult, and happens over an extended period of time in response to extreme situations.

And...this is particularly relevant to Czes (who keeps coming up as an example because he's the main person I'm thinking about with this tangent) because....it arguably hits him harder than any of the others due to being a child.  Only the best decisions were made aboard the Advenna Avis, which includes letting the eight year old drink the immortality elixir.  But...mn.  It's one thing to be perpetually in your thirties, or twenties, or sixties, and another altogether to perpetually be eight years old.  Czes can't truly 'grow up' even though he has more life experience than most adults combined, and it shows in his extreme emotional reactions, his self-centeredness, ect.  There's a certain misconception about anime-only fans that he's an adult in a child's body, but I think it's easier to tell in the light novels that that's not the case, especially since you see what he's like back before the Advenna Avis.  (He is shy.  Very shy.  Did nothing wrong ever.)  Also, the fact that SAMPLE goes, "Yes!  The perfect sacrifice!" when they specifically take a child to target emphasizes this.  It's not proof - I'm pretty sure that SAMPLE would focus on his physical age as an 'eternal child', and may or may not have the resources to analyze him and go, "This boy is still eight years old in his head," - , but it hammers the point home.

Then...mn.  One thing that's stuck out to me ever since the start is how long Czes was with Fermet.  There's such a thing as learned helplessness, and it's not like Czes had anywhere to go, so that's not what is odd to me...especially when Fermet is known for manipulating people, and could definitely seed the idea that Czes can't go anywhere.  More than physical proximity, I think about how long Czes believed in Fermet.  It's explicitly stated that Czes absorbing Fermet's memories is what made him realize that - oh, Fermet was just sadistic and everything he said was an excuse.  And...I think this is both an example of being controlled in many respects, and....another example of an immortal being stuck in the past - but in a very, very different way.

First off, learning that the people you look up to want to harm you is...difficult at best, especially when you're younger?  But being mentally 'stuck' at a certain age would make things worse, because Czes is perpetually an age where it's natural to depend on a parental figure, and at an age where the brain isn't equipped to make those kinds of calls or realizations.  There's also the matter of cognitive dissonance!  Cognitive dissonance means a lot of things, but essentially, it's the idea that you have two conflicting beliefs, but the actions you take can retroactively alter your beliefs/place emphasis on one more than the other, as the mind is predisposed to reduce dissonance.  I...take issue with how cognitive dissonance is interpreted because many examples don't account for the beliefs or opinions not being equal in the first place, but that's not the point.  The point is that, as a child, the impulse to reduce dissonance is present while also being played against difficulty reading intentions, perceiving the world outside of yourself, and thinking critically.  (For what it's worth, abusers also tend to discourage critical thinking because it damages their narrative, which would also play a part.)   So, for example...

Say that, theoretically, Czes was yelled at every time he questions the idea that Fermet's intentions are right, or that maybe Fermet doesn't have his best interests in mind.  (Czes is insightful, and they lived with each other for a long time, so this probably happened at least once unless the text directly contradicts me.)  This is tame compared to the things we know about his time with Fermet, but ignore that.  The desire to not be yelled at would lead him to hurriedly agree later on, and cognitive dissonance means that you're inclined to try to make your beliefs agree with your actions.  In other words, the more he plays along, the more his brain tells him that he definitely believes this, and it makes perfect sense to!  Fermet has shown that he cares about him, and took him in after his grandfather died, so of course.  It only makes sense.  And it's even harder for him to bridge the gap to a different conclusion because of how difficult it seems to be for immortals to change.  It's only when Czes devours Fermet (or...or at least gets his memories) that everything snaps into place, because he can't reconcile that no matter how hard he tries (coincidentally, this also happens when he gets memories of being an adult, and while I seriously doubt that Czes went through Fermet's memories willingly, it kind of hammers my point about how difficult being eternally young would make things).  So of course he snaps as hard as he does.  It'd be kind of amazing if he didn't, honestly.

TLDR:  Being immortal made it even harder for him to recognize or comprehend his trauma.  Sorry for that.

#baccano #baccano! #czeslaw meyer #nile (baccano) #I don't know who else I discussed enough to tag #but the segment about szilard made me wonder whether you would have more memories from devouring a dozen people or from living #for a couple centuries #I think it depends on how old the immortals were #discord ramblings

[gingerbreadpopsolo]

Seeing the zombie episode at first was cool but felt weird because of how the main gang handled their friends' deaths/ having to kill their friends (yes I'm talking about Sam and Sharon in particular)

Watching again I realized:

This is before infinity war kicks off, and from what I understand, Sam and Bucky's friendship doesn't really take off until after the blip. In civil war, I think both Sam and Bucky were on team cap but had other things on their minds to fully have a friendship.

The constant jokes felt kind of weird in this scenario, possibly over so, but I see it as a "laugh away the pain" kind of response. It's possible that the main gang accepted their friends' deaths already and are trying to decide and negative feelings.

Or they were prioritizing and we're pushing the grief for when they got to a safe place. I don't know about you, but having a breakdown in a not safe place during the apocalypse sounds like a bad idea.

"I tend to process traumatic events with dad jokes." Again, laugh away the pain. Although Scott being a head in a jar now is extremely traumatic in itself, this line could apply to a lot of people in this episode

We never see Bucky or Hulk die. Bucky is shot off I to the sky like Team Rocket blasting off again and the Hulk is doing his thing. Until I see a dead body they live according to me

Wanda could still use her powers even as a zombie, Vision may not be technically "human" but wasn't doctor Cho's cradle meant to create synthetic flesh that was near indistinguishable from actual flesh? This part might be edited later to find that out. Either way, Vision clearly isn't thinking straight. Either Vision was infected but because he's not completely human, it's doing it in a weird way, or Wanda needs to heal and recover. She's got the stone in her DNA right? If Vision couldn't get infected, then why couldn't Wanda recover?

Anyway those are my thoughts on episode 5.

#also wont lie. they did okoye dirty #she is one of the dora AND an apocalypse survivor in another universe gosh darn it #also why and how was thanos zombified i have questions #is this just isolated to earth or has it spread amongst the galaxy? #what if? #marvel what if #what if...? #marvel what if...? #what if spoilers #marvel spoilers #marvel what if spoilers

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Michael in the Mainstream: WandaVision

I love Wanda Maximoff, AKA Scarlet Witch. I’m not sure how apparent that is, but just in general I love comic book characters who use magic, and Wanda is probably my favorite (or at least tied with DC’s Zatanna). Sadly, I never really felt like the MCU did her any justice. She debuted in the worst Avengers movie, her brother was killed before they could showcase a meaningful relationship, and then her next appearances had her speedrunning a relationship with Vision. She definitely got some great moments in Infinity War and Endgame, but she felt woefully underutilized. The same could be said of her boyfriend Vision, who had it even worse than her, because he gets killed in Infinity War and is basically forgotten about after that, with nary a mention in Endgame. These are two fantastic characters, and the MCU just didn’t handle them well at all, and they felt like a complete waste that it was really hard to care about.

Thank god for WandaVision.

This show really did something incredible. It made me care so much about two characters I wished I could have cared about before, and become incredibly invested in their relationship. Wanda and Vision get much-needed spotlight and character development and end up becoming two of the best and most fleshed-out characters in the whole franchise, and it’s amazing they waited so long to do this. Wouldn’t it have been better if we cared so much about them before?

The show has three core elements that help make it great: its characters, its themes, and its presentation. The characters are the big one; Elizabeth Olsen and Paul Bettany really get their time to shine, and both of them manage to do great things with their characters, characters who until now felt more like background characters than actual Avengers. Their relationship is so cute, so wholesome, but with an undercurrent of something a bit sadder that ties in with the show’s themes, and then when they have children things become even more sweet with that dark undercurrent still running strong. Aside from them, the standout of the cast would have to be nosy neighbor Agnes played by Kathryn Hahn… or I should say, the show’s villain, Agatha Harkness, a magic-siphoning witch who’s exploiting Wanda’s fragile emotional state to gain the ultimate power. She’s an actual well-executed twist villain, which is quite a feat for modern Disney, and she’s just as fun and campy as you’d hope an evil witch would be, complete with her very own ridiculous villain song that has her winking at the camera and proudly gloating about killing puppies. It’s delightfully cartoonish. Other standouts include Evan Peters as ‘Pietro,’ in a hilarious and clever bit of meta casting that leads to a dick joke (which might be one of the funniest twists in the MCU) and the return of the greatest Ant-Man supporting character Jimmy Woo. Even Darcy, the absolute worst part of the first two Thor films, manages to return and be tolerable.

The presentation is a big selling point, and what helps the story feel so fresh and unique. Each episode is an affectionate take on a different decade’s sitcoms, starting really oldschool and eventually working all the way up to more modern fare. Interspersed throughout these episodes are some rather entertaining fake commercials which harken to elements of Wanda’s life, and a couple of later ones even act as some heavy foreshadowing for future revelations. The different camera techniques, colors, and whatnot really help sell this fantastical sitcom world Wanda created, though I have to say it is a bit of a shame they couldn’t integrate this style more into the climax, even if there are story reasons for it. It was just such a cool and fun concept, it’s a shame it had to be resolved before the climactic finale.

The themes, though, are what really make this show shine. This show is essentially about a woman dealing with grief. Wanda has lost the man she loves, she has lost her brother, and she’s struggling to find her way in the world. As a coping mechanism, she creates a fantasy world and refuses to face reality, burying her emotions and refusing to move on, instead clinging to the happy concepts that might have been. It really is fantastic as a character study of Wanda, giving her a remarkable amount of depth. I found myself relating to a lot of the themes on display; as someone with depression who has had my fair share of painful experiences, I could empathize with Wanda to a degree. Sure, the person I loved was never murdered by Thanos, but I’ve experienced with grief before. It’s really great stuff they’re working with here.

Unfortunately, as good as all these things are, the show isn’t 100% perfect. The biggest issue is when the show switches focus from the interesting stuff inside of Wanda’s sitcom world to more standard MCU stuff outside. Sure, it’s fun to hang out with Jimmy Woo, the greatest character ever, but a lot of the stuff out there just isn’t engaging and some things just aren’t really elaborated on too much. It’s certainly not awful, but between some really confusing twists with Monica Rambeau (who is a good character otherwise and one I want to see more of) and the extremely boring, 2/10 on Psycho Analysis villain Hayward, there’s really not much here that can even hope to compare to the events unfolding in Wanda’s life. The best things from the outside are flashbacks, such as when Monica returned from being snapped or when we get to see Wanda visiting Vision’s corpse in government lockup, which is one of the most tearjerking moments in the show.

There’s also how the swerve into the standard “Big Marvel action” isn’t exactly graceful. After a great episode where Agatha goes back through Wanda’s life, giving even more insight to Wanda as a character and showing us a lot of fascinating moments, we get into the grand finale which feels like what you’d see in a movie theater, for better or for worse. Now I’m a real slut for crazy witch duels between hot women, and this certainly delivers on that front, but there’s so much other crap going on and it really is weird to think how this show about a superhero woman learning to handle her grief somehow became a big, epic showdown that wouldn’t look out of place in a Harry Potter film. I don’t hate this finale as much as some people do, but it definitely feels like the weakest episode overall (which isn’t too bad, since it’s still good, just not really what I would have liked to see).

WandaVision is the sort of thing I want to see more from the MCU going forward. It’s fresh, it’s interesting, it doesn’t take a standard route for the most part, and it utilizes characters who never got a fair shake in interesting and creative ways. Most importantly, it’s very weird and very comic booky, which is something the MCU was lacking for much of its first ten years (save for the films Gunn and Waititi made). I’m sure not everyone is going to find this to be their cup of tea, and it’s easy to grow bored of the cuts away from Wanda to the more cliché affairs outside of her sitcom bubble, but this is definitely a rich and rewarding show that engages with some heavier topics in an easy-to-digest and enjoyable way. Hopefully we’ll see more creativity like this going forward.

#Michael in the Mainstream #review #TV show review #WandaVision #MCU #Wanda #Vision #Scarlet Witch #Marvel #Elizabeth Olsen #Paul Bettany #Kathryn Hahn #Agatha Harkness

[doodleimprovement]

Nell - A Brief Guide

Annabella Gracia Buonacci is an OC that I typically use in fandom content. They’re usually over the age of 25, single, and use She/They pronouns.

She is used in two main fandom - Marvel, and A Hat in Time

Click “Keep Reading” for the full post!

We’ll start with the two Marvel universes first, as those are the “simplest”.

MCU Nell (Current Age: 31)

MCU Nell is a nurse in the “Pro Bono” ER at Flushing general in Queens NY. She befriended May at a grief counseling group, and through her met Peter Parker, and shortly after that found out he was the up-and-coming superhero Spider-Man. Post Civil War, she met and befriended Tony Stark, who introduced her to Thor. She built up a relationship with Thor, starting to see each other just before Infinity War. She survived the Snap, but in the 5 years between Infinity War and Endgame, their relationship fell apart. Post Endgame she divides her time between her full time hospital job, her part time Avengers/Stark Industries/Government-ish position, her burgeoning relationship with Doctor Strange, and gaining grey hairs helping out young heroes.(Tag: MCU Nell)

Spider-Verse Nell (Current age: 36) 

Spider-Verse Nell is also a nurse, working generally in the hospital rather than in a specific wing. She knew Peter Parker, and had a similar relationship to him that she has with MCU Spider-Man. She met and dated Aaron for some time, which was how she met Miles. Aaron and Nell didn’t date for long, but remained good friends after that, and she saw Miles a few more times pre-film. Post-film, she offers Miles advice in the form of Spider-Man 1.0 anecdotes, and medical attention. There’s a running gag that she’s dating a superhero, but no one knows which one. Oh, also, she is the niece of Doctor Olivia Octavius. That’s not as important as you'd think it’d be, but still.  (Tag: Spiderverse Nell)

A Hat in Time:

AHIT “Canon” Nell (Age at “death”: 40) :

This Nell is technically a Prelude to her game self. They are the town apothecary, friendly with all and while reclusive, isn’t seen as weird. She’s divorced, and has been close with the royal family (Read: Vanessa) for well over a decade. She’s also friendly with the prince, and might be related to the florist (I never decided on that)  (Does not have specific tag, typically grouped under “Ahit Nell”, “Subconite Nell” and “Ghost Nell”)

There are two possible endings for “Canon” Nell: One where she is a ghost, and one where she is a subconite.

Subconite Nell: 

Subconite Nell is the most likely outcome, and occurs if Nell remains in Subcon when it freezes over. Subconite Nell remembers next to nothing about their past life, not even knowing that the handkerchief on their head was one they used in life. They do regular subconite things (They quite like being hung for some reason….. ) and they are the only subconite who is allowed alone in Snatcher’s lab. Their personality is quite the same to when they were alive though. Typically the default Nell for all other Post-canon AUs.(Tag: Subconite Nell)

Ghost Nell:

If Nell leaves for the coast just before the fall of Subcon, returns and is traumatically killed by Vanessa, they become a ghost much like Snatcher, but with a few notable differences. For one, They typically keep themselves in a more human shape, but at a far larger size than Snatcher normally uses. Their eyes and magic are cyan, though they don’t use it frequently. They are quite fond of Hat Kid, and the cusp of their arc confronts their mysterious (or not so mysterious now) death. They spend most of their time cultivating a field of flowers and herbs. (Tag: Ghost Nell) 

“”””Coffee Shop AU”””” Nell (Current Age: 40) : 

The School nurse at the local Elementary, She’s jaded and has a somewhat nebulous past that most people don’t even know. She loves coffee, gardening, and listening to music. Very obviously a witch but no one seems to notice. She’s a side character in every sense, but has a good sense of humor about it (self aware). Her best friend, Daph, became obsessed with the local cryptid - The “Snatcher” and started just… sending her all of this merch. Her house looks like a Snatcher museum. She takes it in stride and quite frankly, it’s a running joke at this point

Other AUs: (Might be edited at a later date)

The Little Contractor ( @bittybattybunny​ ): Very similar to Coffee Shop AU, but instead of Daph buying the merch, she does it herself and partially does it to take the piss out of Ru. She babysits for Eclipse and Ru occasionally.

Pokemon (AHIT related): Runs a small, remote Pokemon center in the middle of a forest with a Chimecho as their main assistant. There is also a Blastoise that lives out of a pond near the center. This is mostly inspired by @ahatintimepieces​ Lawyer!Eevee AU

Victorian AU: The doctor of the village of Subcon. Very no nonsense,doesn’t appear very much until the final act. 

#ahit oc #marvel oc #spiderverse oc #mcu oc #ahit au #nell #ahit nell #mcu nell #spiderverse nell #csau nell #ghost nell #subconite nell #anotnia arts #ocs only #anotnias ocs #this was fun

[mellowasinyellow]

100daysofwriting - Day 1

So I thought for the first day I might just briefly outline all of the WIPs I have actually made a start on and that might help me to decide where I want to focus some energy. I have some for Katniss/Peeta in THG fandom and some for Natasha/Clint in the MCU.

Everlark

folklore series - so I started this series of fics inspired by songs from Taylor Swift's album folklore because honestly those songs just immediately bring to mind so many scenarios that made me think of Katniss and Peeta. I made a start on chapters based on peace, my tears ricochet, invisible string, this is me trying, and mad woman. I also have a bit of an outline for continuing the story that was started in 'the 1'.

I've had this one WIP ongoing since about 2015(?) which is a bit of a monster that has grown beyond me but basically it involves Katniss and Gale being raised in the Capitol in relative poverty after their fathers are conscripted into the peacekeepers because of traitorous activity. Mrs Everdeen is still from 12 but was moved to the Captiol to be married (this part is sketchy) and she still had a little childhood romance with Mr Mellark. Peeta gets reaped and Mrs Everdeen reacts to this as he looks like his father. Katniss gets a crush on him as she watches him prepare for the games. She hates herself for it but finds herself checking up on how he is doing even during non-mandatory viewing.

Arranged Marriage - I feel like this is such a cliche for thg fandom, but I just imagined my own way that the pairings happen but I'm so bad at writing slow burn so this will probably never materialise, but if you want a semi-decent thought out pairing/arranged marriage system I would be happy to lend you mine.

Miscarriage fic - I will never post this, but it's in my WIP folder. It's full of nasty feelings that feel a little better when they are written about.

Modern AU Pandemic Quarantine! - ofc, this is essential. Katniss and Peeta end up as the only people not to move home from their dorm for the quarantine. Slow burn that I can't fucking write should ensue.

Canon Pandemic Quarantine AU - pandemic a few years after the end of the war forces Katniss to admit she wants Peeta as more than a friend with whom she hunts, bakes, rebuilds the district. Cue sexy pandemic times and a resentful Haymitch that keeps accidentally breaking the rules.

Divorced but co-parenting Everlark - obviously finding their way back together

Another classic of their children being reaped and dying - I don't know why I write things this depressing. They just tend to come out in one big rush and then I never address them again.

Real weird teen pregnancy modern day AU - don't know where it's going or why...

Modern day AU dead Prim - Peeta and Katniss just met each other through mutual friends and are kind of flirting. Peeta is a bit infatuated. Katniss stops going to mutual friend parties and he finds out it's because her sister died. Instead of staying away he gets tangled up in her grief and does all sorts of practical things while Katniss wallows. Also it's E rated but not that much fun... can't entirely explain where this one came from either...

Single Parent AU where Finnick and Annie play match maker. Probably my fave Everlark in the works but it's another one that has grown so big for the 20 minutes I can dedicate to it each week.

Clintasha

Red Room Take Down - Nat and Clint are retired and living a quiet family life with their child. SHIELD appears asking for Nat's help in taking down the red room and dealing with the fall out, specifically what to do with the girls that they get out. Nat is torn but chooses to go. Chaos ensues with the 'rescued' girls. I need to actually develop some OCs a little if I ever want this to be good but tbh the pending Black Widow movie is kind of holding me back on this one too because I hope we find out more about the red room.

So I have a weird habit of writing from Lila Barton's POV. I can't explain it. I have AoU and like to pretend it never happened but anyway I have a WIP about Lila detailing the collapse of her parents' marriage after Clint retires and he and Laura actually have to spend time together without Natasha. She then goes on to describe the custody settlement and her utter joy that Auntie Nat sleepovers with them at her dad's place. She feels utterly betrayed when she finds out they are getting engaged.

Fluffy AU - Clint and Natasha in an established relationship with a son born between infinity war and endgame. Natasha still sacrifices on Vormir, but Steve gets her back no bother and it's so nice and happy and fluffy and Clint and Natasha are together and they have a son who has both parents back and Steve gets to make all this happen and he is so happy too and they have a barbecue and go swimming in a lake and clint/natasha have private time, and their kid wants to be captain america, and did I mention how HAPPY everyone is?

Another fic similar to the above just about everyone being so HAPPY. Endgame reverses the snap and instead of weird farm family coming back Clint and Natasha get their daughter back and it's just a cute moment about her reappearance and their race back to the spot she disintegrated from. (Steve/Bucky go to Vormir and Steve is sacrificed, but that fucker CHOSE to leave).

This is another one that has just grown bigger than my brain. it's based off the idea that Natasha helped with coordinating fosterings during the blip time. Clint loses his mind when he loses his family and crashes in BedStuy but finds a neighbour girl (Kate Bishop) who is fending for herself in post-apocalyptic Brooklyn. He helps her out and tries to get children's services involved but it has collapsed. Finds out Natasha is the one getting everything in order. He gets in touch. She's at the end of her tether and asks why he can't keep looking after her. In the end he does and she ends up getting involved and all three get overly attached to each other. I haven't got as far as the events of endgame and idk what's going to happen. It might be tragic.

Pregnant Natasha but nobody knows what is wrong with her because they don't even suspect her being pregnant is possible. Just a real vivid description of the early unpleasant pregnancy symptoms.

Another absolute monster - Sort of canon compliant to begin with aside from before the farm family disappear. Clint and Laura are in the middle of separating and tensions are running quite high at the farm. Snap happens. Nat and Clint accidentally run into each other while both a bit low during the blip and get drunk and share home truths. Begin working together from HQ and both get a little less sad. He convinces her she doesn't have to be responsible for the world's fate every moment of every day. Clint has a break down at Morgan's 1st birthday and realises that things will have to change. Nat has this realisation later. They begin sleeping together. Accidental pregnancy. More feelings come out between them. They enter a more conventional relationship and have baby. Baby is really hard work (colic) and they struggle with comparisons and feelings of inadequacy. Pepper helps them to identify the colic and improves everything greatly. Happy times with baby while also running the avengers. Opportunity to reverse snap. Some good scenes between Nat and Tony. A big conversation between Nat and Clint about what it will mean. Steve and Nat end up going to Vormir together. Nat is obviously about to commit suicide. Steve over powers her and gives her a pep talk about the situation she is running away from and how to deal with it. He self-sacrifices. Clint goes back to farm fam and Natasha goes back to BedStuy with baby. Clint has to tell Laura and then the kids about the last 5 years and their new siblings. Nate is super into it. Cooper is a bit aloof and cynical. Lila is confused. Laura is quietly seething. Clint helps put the farm back together about 5 years of neglect and the kids meet baby. Family gets happier. Laura and Nat eventually meet again and it's civil/friendly.

My own version of what happened in Budapest.

The Call - inspired by a post here on tumblr. Nat calls Clint as she bleeds out. Just needs a beta reader and then I would consider publishing.

AoU reimagined but with Clintasha - I'm not sure where this one is going it's like a massive spider web right now with lots of ideas shooting off, but basically it is inspired by this post and just involves a lot of hoodwinking the other avengers.

Accidental Baby Acquisition - Natasha becomes Yelena's child's legal guardian after Yelena gets taken out. Natasha and Yelena are estranged at this point and Natasha things the whole thing is a trap and brings Clint along. He is surprisingly good with the baby so she ropes him in to teach her. The three of them end up bonding.

5 times there's only 1 bed + 1 time they choose to sleep in the same bed.

non-superhero AU Clint and Nat both think they have adopted a stay cat but actually the cat has owners and just likes strokes and eats a lot so has many 'families'. They get into an argument over which of them the cat belongs to only to find out the cat has owners and they are moving away. They decide to adopt a cat between them as both are not hope that much and the shelter refused them as single people. Slow burn ensues, which I am shit at writing.

#100daysofwriting #everlark #clintasha #thg #mcu #clintasha fanfic #clintasha fanfiction #clintasha fic #everlark fic #everlark fanfic #everlark fanfiction #natasha romanoff #clint barton #katniss everdeen #peeta mellark

[sepublic]

The Infinity Train’s All-or-Nothing Gamble

           Oh, Simon Laurent, you… MESSED UP, messed up… I don’t even know what to call you… A pile of ash? That seems a bit too soon, but then so was bragging about murdering Tuba, so I mean. Mm.

           A lot of people are rightfully discussing how small Simon’s number was, how he was just a kid when he got abducted by the Infinity Train! And it makes you wonder, surely he could’ve figured things out on his own, had the Infinity Train NOT kidnapped him, right…?

           …But by that logic, we could also say that surely he would’ve improved HAD it taken him? Obviously having seen that option through, Simon didn’t improve and instead became a straight-up murderer and traitor. Given what Oweeeeeen Dennis had to say about the Infinity Train appearing to people who are at a ‘crossroads’ in life, it makes me think…

           …What if Simon was, in a sense… destined to be messed-up? That had the Infinity Train not picked him up, it could see into his future, and it would’ve seen that Simon would’ve become just as screwed-up an adult in the human world, as he did on the Infinity Train?

           But the Infinity Train is WEIRD, to say the least. There are a lot of variables. Perhaps Fate isn’t as determined on the Infinity Train, as it is in our world. So, the Infinity Train kidnaps Simon, under the belief that… Either he’ll still become as messed-up as he was fated to be due to his circumstances and mindset, OR there was a chance he’d improve! And even the smallest chance is better than NO chance at all, so one might argue that the Infinity Train was justified!

           Of course, Oweeeeen also said that the Infinity Train and One-One can be wrong. So…?

           (I’d ask him myself, but somehow I doubt I’d get a straightforward answer.)

           Does the Infinity Train appear to people, ideally at moments when their hypothetical numbers would be at their lowest? It never appeared to Amelia until after Alrick’s death… But then again, why appear before his death, what would she fix/learn then? How to cope with the death of a loved one BEFORE they died???

           Oweeeeen mentioned crossroads. It makes me wonder if once a person has an issue, then the moment they’re at a crossroads, where they could proceed to fall down a slippery slope no matter how low their number is, OR change for the better… That either option is equally likely… Then the Infinity Train comes in to hopefully tip the scales in the balance of their emotional healing. Healing is a weird process… Could a passenger’s number stay stagnant for a long while, or would it inevitably climb because of this, as that’s proof they’re not improving and being stuck in their old ways?

           What if the Infinity Train knew Simon was messed-up no matter what, and picked him up because his interactions with others (not just Grace but the kids who joined the Apex) could teach them a lesson? Though with Grace, I’d question this… Which makes me wonder if SHE was also gonna be super-messed up, with or without Simon. So in the end, Simon and Grace were put on for the sake of some other kids destined to board the Infinity Train, while still given the chance to improve themselves… Who knows? Maybe not even Oweeeeen!

           Discussing Simon “Boy am I MESSED UP or what?” Laurent further, it’s worth noting that Grace, at least initially, is willing to take the blame for misleading Simon. That part of her growth came from acknowledging that she DID deceive him. For a moment Grace said that Simon could absolve himself of the blame, that could he change while not actually having to confront himself over HIS own mistakes by dumping them onto Grace! But the whole time he tries to kill her, it’s not over lying to him and causing Simon to become a murderer… Rather, Simon is under the impression that Grace only started lying recently.

           Does he know, deep in his heart, that he really CAN’T blame Grace for this- That should it turn out that Amelia was telling the truth, he was still accountable for his actions no matter what Grace said at the time… And her admitting that she’s not supposed to take care of him basically confirmed this? Was Simon latching onto the IDEA of Grace, the idea of a Grace that was never wrong… And now he was trying to kill off this ‘corrupted’ Grace to preserve the perfect one in his memory?

           Because admitting she was wrong, even if he tries to scapegoat the blame onto Grace… I think Simon would’ve been more horrified by the thought of a Grace who was always wrong up until now, VS a Grace who had actually been totally right and had only recently gone down the wrong path! And he’s more betrayed by the former option than the latter… So Simon just opts to shut up Grace, because clearly she’s become a liability if she’s wrong now! And if turned out that Grace had been wrong from the beginning, well then why suddenly start trusting her at all, period? I mean, look at how she threw Hazel under the bus! (Train? Well not really only TUBA was thrown underneath the train…)

           Of course, Simon only acknowledges that Hazel was genuinely betrayed if it’s in a context that justifies his dislike of Grace, because otherwise you can’t betray a thing, right? Because otherwise fully acknowledging that moment as a betrayal also means fully acknowledging Hazel as a person, which means fully acknowledging that Simon considered killing a CHILD and that her grief over Tuba was real… you get the idea. I swear it’s like I’m taking a Criminal Psychology course and Simon is my case-study…!

           Going off what @fermented-writers-block reminded me, of what Oweeeeeen said about the Infinity Train ‘trying to account for all possibilities’ with its many, MANY cars, some of inexplicable practicality…? I have to wonder if the implication is that, be it on a literal or metaphorical sense, the chaotic environment of the Infinity Train provides more means and basis for change, for a passenger to pick a certain path and go down it… Versus the more orderly structure back home.

           Granted, what if the Infinity Train were to rescue a passenger from a war-torn environment? Surely THAT would be a lot less ‘orderly’ than the Infinity Train! But then again its objective is more towards healing, so… Either the Infinity Train rescues someone from a bad situation and they’re in a better one on the Infinity Train so they can heal! OR it’s just as bad… but also chaotic enough that the randomness of events and experiences could cause a change in –hopefully- the right direction!

           That is to say… The Infinity Train doesn’t know what it’s doing either. If we DO get a Book 4, I have to wonder if the direction will be One-One taking a more proactive role as Conductor and making sure passengers are less messed-up… Of course once he DOES start stepping up with his role, then why stop there? Why not keep breaking MORE rules, until you eventually decided to stop putting people aboard the Infinity Train in the first place? And I have to wonder if the hypothetical Book 4 will go more into the determinism of the denizens, especially since Lake is a pretty vocal indication in the direction of them being able to make their own destiny, for the most part.

           And hey- If Lake can do it, then maybe One-One is capable of learning some sense, and just stopping the Infinity Train, period! Or at the very least, only picking passengers up from objectively-terrible and dangerous situations where they’d TOTALLY die or be further traumatized, and then being more proactive in keeping them safe as they make a journey… Or just dropping them off somewhere else back on Earth!

           Honestly I would not be at all shocked if Oweeeeeeen’s idea for a hypothetical ending involved the Infinity Train no longer making any ‘stops’ for passengers, that this is the last ride… It’ll keep moving, but only for its denizens (because we’ve established they’re people and destroying the Train and their lives is unfair). Or, the Infinity Train just keeps going, and GOING… Because they don’t call it the Infinity Train for nothing!

           Jeez, this train is making me go mad. No wonder Simon went nuts. Overall, if I HAD to guess… I think the Infinity Train, as pointed out to me by @fermented-writers-block, is just as chaotic as Earth, that both Earth and the Infinity Train allow people to choose their own fates respectively, that your destiny isn’t pre-determined on Earth when you’re potentially rescued by the Infinity Train! It’s just that to the Infinity Train, if you’re at a crossroads in your head, it may as well pick you up because the chaotic environment provides more potential… 

          More potential for growth, but also more potential for becoming messed-up, so it’s an All-or-Nothing Gambit, like some messed-up Gambler designed this automaton! Like the train WANTS you to go ALL THE WAY with your healing, or go all the way with becoming messed-up, because apparently Earth is too stagnant for meaningful progress in either direction right?

#infinity train #infinity train book 3 #infinity train cult of the conductor #speculation #analysis #infinity train simon #simon laurent #owen dennis

[buckyreaderrecs]

Wax and Wane

Summary: Bucky was sure he'd felt all the different types of bad a person could feel. He was wrong. You were pretty sure it was illegal to drive away with an Avenger in the back of your van, but what else could you do? A story about grief that is basically the 'flowers grow in the sidewalk cracks' metaphor fanfictionalised.

Words: 5,614 Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Reader Characters: Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, Thor Additional tags: mostly canon compliant (Infinity War and Endgame never happened), Stark Tower still exists, other Marvel characters are mentioned but aren’t central to plot, recovering Bucky, not angsty but a sad story, she/her pronouns Warnings: illness/death, sick children, grief

Note: This was written for Nik's 1k Writing Challenge - @serpienten  My dialogue prompt was, "I'll keep you warm. Hold me closer." I hope you love it, Nik! 

EDIT: Accidentally had all the Y/N replaced with my name because of the Chrome extension. Hopefully fixed, but if you see Rhiannon pop up, please let me know so I can edit. Embarrassing lol.

Wax and Wane

As the paint was brushed gently across their skin in broad strokes, you could read the joy and pleasure in their sweet little faces. It was a very minor and short term relief from their day-to-day pain, but it was the very least you could do. Face painting wasn't going to cure cancer or mend broken bones, but it made the residents of the hospital's children's ward happy.

Most of the long-term patients knew you. You were the girl in the tutu and butterfly wings that would come and blow bubbles and make them smile. But on that day, you weren't the one they were excited for.

The children were in a frenzy as The Avengers entered the room, dressed in their best outfits (minus any dangerous weaponry, you assumed). You stood to the side of the room with the doctors, nurses, and parents, and listened along with an enraptured audience as Captain America and Iron Man introduced the team. The kids couldn't sit for long, so very quickly the nibbles and treats were brought out and the room calmed into a soft party atmosphere.

As soon as you'd set up your station, there was a line of children wanting to have webs and stars painted. You worked quickly, getting through the line fast. Staying put, you only had a chance to briefly survey the room before Liam, one of your most special friends, trotted up to you, pulling along someone new.

"Hey, Liam," you greeted. He let go of his new friend's hand to hug you.

"Look, Y/N!" he said, pointing up. "It's Bucky!"

You looked up at Bucky Barnes, who would have towered over you even if you had been standing. The child's size plastic chair you were on really added a comical size difference though.

"Hi, Bucky," you said, coy smile. Bucky softly smiled back. "You're Liam's favourite,"

"Yeah, I told'ed him that!" Liam said, not a shred of self-consciousness in the child. "And now we can be matching,"

"Matching?" you asked.

"Yeah, 'cause you do the painting and you can paint my arm like Bucky's," Liam explained, holding his prosthetic arm out in demonstration.

Glancing up at Bucky to make sure he was privy to the plan, he simply gave a little shrug.

"Sounds good to me. How about you sit in this chair here, Liam, and we get Bucky to sit right next to us on the floor. Is that okay?" you asked both of them.

Liam jumped into the seat, sticking his arm out ready.

Bucky had a bit of a harder time folding himself down, but he eventually managed to sit in front of you comfortably.

"Okay if I borrow your arm for a bit?" you asked Bucky.

He nodded and held it out to you. When you took it, laying it across one of your legs so you could copy the seams and markings, Bucky held his breath. Most people hesitated. He figured some of them were afraid, and some didn't want to appear rude. Not you though. To you, his arm was just that - an arm. You'd kinda grown used to celebrities (is that what superheroes are classified as? you wondered to yourself) by then. Make a Wish and fundraising events and all that jazz… Turns out most famous people are pretty normal, boring even.

Bucky watched you pull a bunch of markers out of your kit and begin replicating the aesthetic of his vibranium arm onto Liam's plastic prosthetic. He let you gently move him as needed, and found himself in awe of how good your Sharpie skills were.

"You're really good," he said, speaking up for the first time.

Liam held most of the space in the conversation, which was fine by both of you. He told Bucky about his illness, and how even though he'd lost his arm, he was the "luckiest kid in New York" because he was alive and because he got to meet The Avengers. There were shades of adult in his words, like he'd been told of his own luck before.

While Liam spoke, you stole glances at Bucky. Mostly, his gaze was on Liam, sometimes darting over to you and away just as fast; he was avoiding eye contact. However, he quickly would turn to focus on particularly loud sounds or doors opening. If you'd had a chance to watch any of the other heroes in the room, you'd note they all did the same.

"Doin' okay, Liam?" you checked in when the boy had gone quiet.

Liam nodded frantically, not wanting to disappoint. "Yeah!" he affirmed.

"Maybe just need a little nap after this, huh buddy?" you asked.

"Maybe," he replied, relieved that there was a nap in his future.

"Think I might need one too," Bucky chimed in. Liam giggled like it was a joke.

"All done!" you announced.

When the very elated Liam was done tippy tapping and hugging, he ran off to show his parents how absolutely cool he was.

You and Bucky stood, both stretching out your limbs.

"Think you've made a friend for life there," you told him; he softly smiled in reply. "Can I just say something that might be way out of place? I just… I don't know… I feel like you need to hear it."

Bucky frowned, studied your face for a second. "Sure,"

"Okay… So… You do know that you deserve to be here, right?"

Mostly his expression was blank, then his head tilted to the side just a little. You'd been reading him the whole time, he realised. He felt exposed. But there was nowhere to run to.

"Maybe…" he finally settled on saying.

"Maybe?" you scoffed. "I mean, kids are lining up to meet you… And you're not questioning if, like, Wanda Maximoff or Natasha Romanoff should be here, you know what I mean?"

Bucky looked over to where Scarlet Witch and Black Widow were forming a girl gang. "They're different. It's different," he argued, but his words were laced with too much sadness for you to give in.

"Yeah… If you wanna get technical, weren't you the only one under mind control or whatever?" you posed.

Bucky looked at you, tried to figure out why you were being so… persistently kind. Your logic made sense, and something in him considered believing it.

"I'm just saying," you continued, "You deserve to be here. And if you don't wanna accept that, then it can be like… Liam deserves for you to be here."

That, Bucky could get behind. He nodded. "Thank you," he said, awkward but earnest.

You shrugged it off, then took a slow step towards him. "Hug?"

He blinked stupidly, then nodded, opening his arms and letting you step into them. While you wrapped your arms loosely around his neck, Bucky hesitated for a moment, then slid his arms around you. People around the room, even the ones that didn't know Bucky, watched how his hands lingered in the air before settling on your back. They saw how he melted into the hug, let his head rest on your shoulder and closed his eyes.

When you stepped away from each other, he'd inherited some of your fairy glitter.

"I'll see you next time, I guess," you offered, letting your sentence trail off enough that Bucky could catch it if he wanted. There was room for him to say anything. But, he just nodded.

Bucky watched you walk away.

Sam appeared at his side. "So, are you gonna-" Sam said, the amusement clear in his tone.

"Don't," Bucky interrupted.

"She's clearly-"

"I said don't," Bucky snapped, walking out of the room.

Sam went to follow, worried he'd genuinely upset his friend, but he caught Steve's eye. A subtle shake of the head told him to stand down.

…

Although you buried it deep inside, there was some small part of you that thought maybe you'd hear from Bucky. You weren't exactly sure why you thought that was going to happen. It was easy to let that idea fall in the face of logic though; he was an Avenger… very busy… very private… etc. etc. Nonetheless, that small part stayed alight, and it fed your dreams all the way through to the next time you would cross paths with Bucky again.

It was a different hospital, but the same type of event. Sparkle and shine and cheer the kids up. Although there were less Avengers than the first, the children were entirely chuffed with meeting their heroes. And, this event had something the previous did not. Thor. His laugh bellowed all through the ward's corridors, providing a sharp contrast to the otherwise sterile mundane life of the hospital.

Thor promised the children that it wasn't that they weren't worthy of wielding Mjolner, it was that they just weren't ready yet. "You're far too little! When you're big and strong, like me!" He filled the children with more hope than they'd had in a long time.

Your attention constantly being drawn to the larger-than-life Asgardian was a welcomed distraction… You were trying to give Bucky space, deciding that if he wanted to talk to you, he could. You wouldn't push it. Two superheroes that apparently did want to talk to you, though, were Falcon and Captain America.

Like you were their mission, there was hardly a second where one of them wasn't by your side. Sam was entirely unhelpful, giving creative input to all the face painting. He made the kids laugh though, often at jokes that went over their innocent heads. It was his sassy tone they really liked. Steve was a little calmer, answering weird and wonderful questions only children could think up.

They were both charming, personable, and genuinely fun to be around, but what were they doing? Were they trying to coax Bucky in? Provide a buffer? Or, no… Maybe they were keeping you from him? Shaking the thought from your head, you simply blew bubbles and painted faces and covered the room in confetti.

You would have liked to say you didn't notice when Bucky slipped from the room, not returning, but that small part of you most definitely did. It most definitely noticed and you most definitely felt the effect of him not speaking to you, not even offering a smile across the room.

"Did I do something?" you finally asked Steve, not needing to explain the context.

"No… It's not you…" he answered, looking over at the door Bucky had left through. "He's just… He's trying…"

…

The children's ward was quiet. It was like that on Tuesday mornings. No events. Rounds over. Just the everyday life of sick children and distraught parents. As you walked down the corridor, you glanced through open doorways on your way to the nurses' station.

It was a hard place to be.

Something caught your eye and you stopped yourself a second too late, passing the room before you could see what it was. A flash of something. Stepping back, you snuck a look around the corner.

A sunbeam off vibranium. Bucky Barnes was folded next to a bed, his arms crossed on the edge of the mattress, his head resting on them. He was asleep. You took a step into the room, then looked to the occupant of the bed. Your heart dropped. Liam.

Liam was asleep in bed, sweating and small.

Cautiously, you crept further into the room. Neither of them stirred, so you took a chair on the opposite side of the bed to Bucky and reached over to pick up Liam's chart from the end of his bed. It didn't say a lot, just the need-to-know for nurse rotation. But you knew those medications enough to know it was bad. Really bad. The emotions caught were too big. You put the chart back; the plastic-hitting-plastic sound it made woke Bucky up. He shot up, chair almost knocked to the ground if it weren't for his reflexes. He looked across the bed at you then, recognition instant. A worried expression took over his face.

"Y/N?"

"He's sick again," you said, your voice sounding far away.

Bucky tracked your gaze to Liam. He nodded. "Yeah… They, ah… It came back… His parents went home to get some sleep. I said I'd stay." When you didn't move, didn't say anything, Bucky grew nervous. He could hardly handle his own reaction, let alone yours too. "They, the hospital, got in touch when he came back in. Said that… I could help. Make him feel… brave, or… I don't know.. It's been a couple weeks, but…"

He couldn't bring himself to say it and you didn't need to hear it.

"I've… I've got to… go…" you said.

When you stood up, you wobbled on the spot and tried to take a step to the door. Bucky was next to you before you even clocked him moving.

"Come on. Don't wanna wake him," Bucky whispered, helping you out of the room gently.

In the corridor, away from the door, you felt the wet hot tears roll down your face. Stupid, you thought to yourself, you should be used to this. It's happened before. The obvious and cruel downside to volunteering in the pediatric ward of a hospital.

Bucky stood in front of you, watching for only a couple seconds before pulling you into a hug. He squeezed you into his chest, your arms curled comfortably between him and you.

"He's talked about you. He'd wanna see you... Come back this afternoon and see him."

You nodded, keeping your eyes shut tightly.

"Okay," you tried, your voice squeaky and small.

"Okay," Bucky repeated, trying to channel the humanity pre-Hydra Bucky showed when Steve's mother passed away. He knew what to say and do then. "You're okay… Go… Go do what ya need to. We'll be here. I've got him," he said.

When he let you go, you felt cold. You wiped your tears, nodded once and looked up at him.

"Go," he prompted, and you nodded again, turning and walking away.

…

"Yeah, I don't know what that is,"

"Finding Nemo?!" Liam repeated, like if he said it louder Bucky was more likely to recognise the title.

You chuckled from the seat next to Bucky's.

"You knew?" he asked.

"Everyone knows just keep swimming, Buck," you told him with a shrug.

"Guess that's another one for the list then," he said, pulling his phone out and adding the film to his ever-growing list of 'to watch'.

Hours could go by like that. You, Liam, and Bucky sitting around, reciting movie quotes to each other. Guessing titles. Laughing at all the gaps in Bucky's pop culture knowledge. Liam loved feeling smarter than an adult, and he completely lost himself in hysterical laughter when Bucky burst out his chair in joy when he finally recognised a film.

"Star Wars!" Bucky had screamed so loud the nurse came in to shush him. "Luke, I am your father!" Bucky whispered at her, grinning ear to ear. Then there was the Harry Potter time. "I got tricked into watching them," Bucky had said, shaking his head. Apparently, during his stay in Wakanda, Shuri had convinced him that Scarlet Witch and those who attended Hogwarts were from the same breed. He should, she said, watch it so he understands Wanda Maximoff better. Shuri would remember Bucky's face forever when he came back from visiting Team Cap.

"My turn," Liam said. He thought for a second. "I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse," he said, his voice forced as deep as his tiny child body would allow.

"Woah! Who let you watch that?!" you said, completely horrified.

"My cousin David," Liam snitched immediately. "The horse head didn't even look real,"

"It didn't," Bucky confirmed, again, happy to identify The Godfather. "Alright, my turn… Ah… Okay. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine."

You were as lost as Liam.

"We give up," Liam reported after maybe five seconds of thinking.

"Casablanca?! Come on, guys. It's a classic!" Bucky argued.

"God, you're showing your age," you teased.

"Alright, you do better,"

"Easy," you cleared your throat for dramatic effect, "To infinity and beyond!"

"TOY STORY!" both Liam and Bucky yelled in unison.

Liam then taught Bucky how to act out the "Buzz, will you get up here and give me a hand?" scene, complete with thrown prosthetic.

…

"Theeeeeee… beeeeestest… leaf!"

You and Bucky ran off in opposite directions. The hospital courtyard wasn't exactly bursting at the seams with nature, but it was enough to complete a little scavenger hunt.

On Liam's orders, you returned with the most impressive leaf you could find. Bucky was right behind you. Handing them over, Liam carefully considered them from his bunded up seat in his wheelchair.

"The winner is…" he said, pausing to cough. "Y/N!"

"What?!" Bucky screeched.

"Calm down. It's one-all," you reminded him. His feather was iridescent therefore better than your grey pigeon one.

Bucky grinned at you, ever competitive and ever aiming to make Liam happy. "Alright," he said. "What's next, little man?"

…

"Not today, guys," the nurse replied when you ask if Liam could go for a walk.

"Maybe we'll just read a couple chapters of The Lord of the Rings then, yeah?" you said, turning your suggestion to Bucky.

Bucky nodded solemnly, suddenly and deeply affected by the reminder of Liam's weakening state, of mortality.

Before entering Liam's room, you reached out and touched Bucky's arm. He stopped, looked at you with glossy eyes. You don't wanna see it, think it, but sadness didn't take away from Bucky's beauty.

"You okay?" you asked.

It was a loaded question and almost a rhetorical one. Bucky knew that. He didn't answer, just gave you a weak, lopsided smile.

"You Sam or Frodo today?" he asked, shaking it off and moving again.

…

For the whole time you'd known Bucky, his size had always been so obvious. Sitting beside children, beside Liam, he looked like a giant. Even next to the nurses that came and went he towered. Small hospital chairs. Small plastic cups. Small, sanitised rooms.

So, when you turned the corner and saw Bucky sitting on the floor of the pediatric ward's hallway, looking so fucking small, it stopped you in your tracks. His head was in his hands, and you knew what it meant.

Slowly, step by heavy step, you walked the hallway and came to stand in the doorway of what was once Liam's room. The bed had been stripped of linen, but wasn't yet made ready for the next patient. The charts were gone, and the many tubes and plastic bags of chemicals too. A crushed, empty juice box was on the ground.

Behind you, a nurse cleared her throat.

"Y/N… I'm so sorry… We tried to call ya this morning but-"

"I left my phone at home… I was running late. Locked myself out my apartment. Left half my kit there too. Was late to this fairy party gig I had downtown… Bad day… and-" you were rambling, tears slowly running down your face. The nurse's hand gently cupping your shoulder stopped you.

"S'alright, love… Nothing you could've done. But it's good you're here now. Reckon the Sergeant here might need a little TLC, yeah?"

Nodding, you wiped your tears away on the sleeve of your hoodie. Suddenly, it felt ridiculous to be wearing a pink tutu.

The nurse left you alone with Bucky.

Bucky, who had not moved a single inch since you arrived. Bucky, who looked small. Bucky.

"Let's go," you said, kneeling on the lino floor in front of him. "Think maybe a crying fairy and ah, statue Winter Soldier might confuse the kids… So… let's go."

You thought maybe he wasn't going to reply, but he lifted his head, faced up. Bucky's eyes were rimmed red, but they were dry. He looked haunted. Shaking his head the smallest amount, he told you, "I… I can't… can't leave him…"

"Okay… Okay, yeah. Um…" You looked up and down the hallway, trying to think while your head was drowning in grief. "Alright, um… My van is downstairs, in the lot. Let's just… I don't know, get that far."

Bucky just starred at you. For one… two… three… "Yeah, okay," he agreed, standing.

He didn't say a word as he followed you into the elevator and down to the carpark. People tried to not stare as you walked by.

Arriving at your van, you opened the back and shoved some things out of the way, pulling the small mattress and pillows down from where they were propped up against the side. Turning to face Bucky, you read the confusion in his face.

"Oh, ah… I don't live in it… I just…" There was no point in sugar-coating at that point. "I spend half my time around sick kids, you know? I need somewhere to be when it gets too much. Somewhere to… cry or sleep for an hour or whatever."

Bucky looked from the van to you, gave you a small nod of acknowledgement.

"We can just stay here… for as long as you need…" you offered, feeling embarrassment swell in you, but it quickly gave way to the apathy summoned by abject grief.

If Bucky thought it was weird, he didn't say and you wouldn't have cared. He didn't though. He moved to sit where he could politely unlace his boots and nudge them under the van, then he scooted back onto the mattress, laid down. You crawled in after him, closing the doors behind you.

He'd returned to his state of seeming too big for his surroundings, curled up in the back of your van. When you laid down next to him, he looked over at you. "Thank you," he said, voice croaky.

As tears began to form in his eyes, you had the grace to pretend not to notice. "I think there's a blanket somewhere…" You sat up, looking over a box of costume fairy wings. Before you could locate the blanket, Bucky's arms wrapped gently around your waist, pulling you into him.

Your back was to his chest, his face buried somewhere between your neck and the pillow.

"I'll keep you warm," Bucky said, "Hold me closer." So, you did, putting your arms over his and threading your fingers between his. You didn't need to be kept warm, but he needed to hold onto something solid, someone living, breathing, real, and there. He needed you.

…

Usually, sleeping in the back of the van was fine. When a super soldier was taking up 80% of the space, however… different story. You lasted forty minutes before snaking your way out, jumping over the front bench seat to sit behind the wheel.

Bucky was definitely dead to the world. You could hear his heavy sleep-induced breathing. But, you couldn't just drive off with him in the back. That would pretty much be kidnapping an Avenger, right? You looked over the seat at Bucky. Waking him up seemed like an equally bad idea, both practically and morally speaking. He was so peaceful.

So, against your better judgement, you got out, grabbed his boots, and jumped back in, putting the key in the ignition and turning.

At every car horn, New York pedestrian, and sharp turn, you glanced over to see if he'd been startled awake. Alas, sleeping beauty. After about fifteen minutes of sitting on your phone when you'd arrived home, parked in the back lot of your apartment complex, you ran out of feeds to refresh. Leaving the car key close to Bucky, where he'd see it, you left him there, figuring he'd probably be able to defend himself if anyone tried to steal the van.

Hours later, close to midnight, you found yourself walking around your place, lost and teary. Pulling your nightgown on, you left your apartment and ventured outside. It was cold. That type of night time chill that only exists when you're at your most sad. Bone freezing. Visible breathing.

There was no reply when you knocked on the back door of the van. Opening it, you were startled by Bucky's upright frame. He was sitting awake, back to the interior wall.

"Buck?"

No reply.

You were a little scared. Unsure of what to do next.

"I… I thought you could use the sleep. We're at my place now…"

Still, nothing.

"Do you want to come inside?"

You chewed your lip for a second, waited, but he remained still. His super soldier body would be fine without food or water for a little while longer, you reasoned. And, he constantly radiated heat.

"I'm apartment 5C. Come up when you're ready."

He didn't look over as you closed the door and retreated back into the safety of your home. There, you cried. Grieved. Tried to sleep. You told yourself you would make him come inside in the morning.

…

The sun rose red over New York City. You'd left your blinds open all night; waking up to natural like was meant to be good for you. Sitting up, you stretched the last remnants of a restless sleep off your heavy body and stepped out of bed.

Maybe Bucky got himself in overnight. Crept in through an unlocked window. Used some sort of superhero technology to unlock the front door. He wasn't on the couch, though, or anywhere in the apartment.

Teeth brushed and coffee brewing, you once again donned the nightgown and headed outside.

At least he's lying down, you thought, opening the van door.

Bucky was back under the blanket. He was awake, the lines under his eyes deep set and sharing space with purple shadows.

"Come on," you said. "You can't stay here. People are gonna come looking for you."

Slowly, Bucky rolled his head to the side to look at you. Previously, he was staring at the van ceiling. "Steve knows," he told you, throwing his phone over. It landed on the blanket with a gentle thud.

You didn't pick it up.

Bucky continued, "Messaged him last night. Phone's dead now,"

"Um… okay… Well, you should still come inside. There's more room,"

"I'm fine."

It wasn't defiance as much as it was apathy. You wanted to say something. Anything. Be reassuring. But to be honest, you were surprised by his grief.

Surely, the Winter Solider knew loss. Surely, he'd mourned and learnt to cope.

No… No, this was different, you told yourself. The first child who passed away when you started working with the hospitals destroyed you. It took a month to even go back to the pediatric ward. Since then, you'd put things into perspective and learnt to process everything a bit better. Not as equipped as the doctors and nurses to do so, but able enough to survive the pain.

The pain. Entirely unique. Something Bucky hadn't felt before.

He really thought he'd felt all the types of bad there was to feel. He really thought he was no longer able to love. Besides Steve. And Sam. Wanda. Nat. Shuri… Okay, so he was kidding himself. Still. It fucking hurt.

…

Around lunch, you took Bucky some food. Around dinner, you found it untouched but replaced it anyway.

It was a Sunday night. In the morning you were expected over at the palliative care centre. Reading aloud to the patients helps.

At 5:30 am, you woke from a fever dream. After shoving the sheets in the apartment building's basement washer, you called the centre.

"Oh, no worries, Y/N," they told you. "Sally's bringin' her new puppy in today. That ought to bring some cheer to the place anyway."

Guilt alleviated only slightly, you trekked to the van.

At least he'd nibbled on dinner at some point.

"Bucky?"

It was dark still, the sun only just waking up. You could make out Bucky's form in amongst your stuff.

"You have to come inside today. I…" Guilt. Maybe a guilt trip would work. "I need my van for work…" It almost sounded like a question. "And, I'm sure you've got things you need to do…" No response. "Superhero stuff?"

A muffled snort, but nothing else.

…

"Any chance you can just leave him there?"

For a second, you thought Steve was joking. The silence at the end of the line said otherwise.

"Ah, I mean, it's been almost two days,"

"I can get a car sent over to you if-"

"No," you interrupted. "That's not it. I'm just… Is this normal?"

Steve sighed. "There's not a normal for us, Y/N. There's just… coping… day by day."

Holding in tears, you nodded to yourself. "Yeah, okay. I, ah, just wanted to check in. See if there's anything I should be doing,"

"I'd wager that you're already doing it… It means something that he's chosen to be near you. He could have run. He does sometimes. So, really, for him, this is… progress. He trusts you."

You're weren't sure what you'd done to deserve that.

"Thanks, Steve,"

"Anytime. Call anytime, Y/N."

When you'd phone Stark Tower looking for help, you didn't really expect to be taken seriously. As it turned out, they were waiting for your call.

…

To your relief, Bucky was sitting up when you opened the van doors around 5 pm. He watched in interest as you awkwardly climbed in, handing him the tray you were carrying so you could settle in next to him.

"Choc chip cookies and tea," you announced, not letting him give the tray back. "And I'm not leaving until you drink your cup and have at least two cookies."

Bucky looked down at the presentation in his lap. "Guess I can't argue with that."

You chewed your cookie slowly, making sure you'd not finish before him.

"Did you make these?"

"Yeah… I bake when I'm… Whatever," you replied.

He nodded, then took another bite.

"You called Steve?"

"How'd-"

Bucky shrugged. "Just figured you would. What'd he say?"

"Um… That you're okay here," you told him.

Bucky didn't reply, instead picked up his mug of tea and held it between his palms. The china softly chinked against his left hand.

You wanted to ask if he was indeed okay, but you weren't sure of what you'd be able to say if he lied. Or told the truth. Or anything in between.

When the tray was empty of food, you climbed out of the van, and half-heartedly asked if he was coming inside.

"I'm fine here," was his equally half-hearted reply.

Together, maybe, you could make a whole person, something functioning and able to cope better than either of you were doing alone.

Back inside your apartment, you ran out of plain flour and dishes to clean. All that was left to do was mourn.

…

It had been three nights and days since you'd arrived home from the hospital. Almost eighty hours of saying goodbye to Liam and telling yourself to be grateful that you knew him, and that you were able to help him laugh and find joy in his final few weeks. Hours of phone calls to friends, family, and your favourite nurses. Hours of standing at your apartment door, ready to march down to the van and pull Bucky out by his boots. Hours of it all.

Like all things though, good or bad, it was waning and you were beginning to see how you could survive.

You were sitting at the kitchen bench, practising your pipe cleaner and pom pom crown-making skills when there was a knock on the door. Glancing at your phone as you stood, you thought it was around dinner time. Probably next door, asking to borrow an egg. Or the old lady from down the hall that always made too much lasagne.

Without checking the peephole, you opened the door with your best polite smile ready.

Bucky.

The sight of him hit you, not like a tidal wave, but a waist-deep wave that knocks you back unexpectedly. You stumbled, had to refocus. Felt a little out of control.

Out of the mess of the back of the van, it was easier to see how utterly fucked he looked. His long hair was ratty, visibly knotted in parts. Expression strung out, he looked like he was in amphetamine withdrawal. His skin was too shiny, and his clothes were crumpled and damp in places.

Bucky went to speak, but the words got caught in his throat. He looked pained, then sniffled and wiped his nose on the back of his hoodie's arm.

Without any warning, you burst into tears.

Your hands went up to cup your mouth but it was too late. The sobs were heaving up from deep inside you, and Bucky was born with too much empathy to not be affected. Tears began to roll down his face.

And that was it. Any pretence or attempt to be stoic was entirely dissolved. You crumbled into each other.

Bucky wrapped his arms around you and you pressed your head hard into his chest, almost pushing against him like you were trying to push the feelings out of yourself.

"I know," he whispered, kissing the top of your head.

As his arms tightened around your body, you could feel how it was calming you. It was only a short term relief from the grief, but it was the very least Bucky could think to do. Holding you wasn't going to make anything better, but it made you both feel less alone.

Showers and fuzzy bed socks. Hot cocoa and trashy television. Sleeping close. Waking up together.

From the deep unwanted darkness of grief, something was determined to find a way to grow.

Tag list (open): @browngirlmagic @lookalivefrosty @aynaraxas @vibraniumwitch @the--sad--hatter @bubbabarnes

(not sure if you want to be tagged in new fics @animegirlgeeky?) 

#Bucky Barnes #Mine #Bucky Barnes x Reader #Bucky Barnes/Reader #Bucky Barnes x Y/N #Bucky Barnes/Y/N #Bucky Barnes x You #Bucky Barnes/You #Bucky Barnes fic #Bucky Barnes fanfic #Bucky Barnes imagine #Marvel fanfic #niks1kwritingchallenge

[thealmightyemprex]

12 Favorite Superhero movies

So there is this weird backlash to superheroes ,that I dont get.That could be because I love superheroes  and as such wanted to highlight some of my favorite Superhero movies

1.Superman The Movie and Superman II

These movies were the first attempt to approach a comic book relatively seriously ,though still maintaining a sense of humor .I kind of view them as one big movie,the first half being the orgin story and setting up the key characters,while the second half explores them .and places a great threat against them in the form of the Kryptonian Criminals .I flip flop on which one I prefer,as Superman the Movie is more solid but Superman II is more fun,and overall I love both movies so why not give them the same spot .The cast is pretty spot on ,the villains are great in both films ,they tell the tale of Superman well  and capture the wonder and whimsy I associate with him 

2.Batman

When I was a kid the Batman movies were the definitive superhero movies,and while I personally love Batman returns,the best of them has to be the original Batman .While it’s not the best adaptation of Batman as it changes a lot (Batman kills,Batman and Joker are connected, we know Jokers backstory,etc )I think what Tim Burton captures is the feel of Batman ,with the gothic atmosphere of Gotham ,and the brooding Batman in conflict with the loud and colorful Joker .Apart from the aesthetics and Danny Elfmans score,Jack Nicholsons take on the Joker is really the highlight 

3.The Captain America Trilogy

I love all three films in the trilogy ,I couldnt pick one.The First Avenger is a great  tribute to the Golden age of comics ,Winter Soldier  is a spy thriller that explores interesting ideas and Civil War sets our heroes against eachother ,for both political and personal reasons .I like all three for diffrent reasons,but I think it is just a very solid trilogy with my favorite character in the MCU 

4.Wonder Woman

So I love a good super hero period piece .I saw this film when I was having a real bad day ,and It brightened my day .Diana is such a hopeful character ,and setting her against the gloomy backdrop of WWI was brillaint.The supporting cast is fun ,Wonder Woman herself is a great lead and the battle in No Mans Land is fantastic 

5.The Crow

My favorit movie based on a comic book .A story of grief and revenge. It is darker then most superhero fare that you kind of forget it is one ,heck I have seen people argue its more of a horror film ,but I’d say it’s a gothic superhero film,with our undead hero returning from the grave to take vengence on the  criminals responsible for his and his fiance’s death.We have a costumed hero,a rather theatrical supervillain in the form of the crimelord Top Dollar ,and elements of the supernatural.This film is just cool,the soundtrack,the look,the action,the hero and villain are just  so cool to me 

6.The Mask of Zorro

Film was cool when I was young but even cooler now that I am older.It is the tale of Zorro having escaped prision training a successor,it’s basically Batman Beyond BEFORE Batman Beyond.It has AMAZING fight scenes ,the romance is amazing ,it’s really funny ,and it’s just a cool update of Zorro 

7.Logan

Hugh Jackman had an interesting 17 year journey as Wolverine and goes out with a hell of a bang .It’s almost a western,with Logan and Professor X having to go on a journey with this mysterious child.This is a brutal film,in terms of both violence and emotions,with fantastic performances by Hugh Jackman,Patrick Stewart ,Daphnee Keen and Stephen Merchant ,a pretty good villain in the form of Boyd Holbrook as Donald Pierce and is a good finale for the Wolverine character

8.Spider-man Into the Spider-verse

The best Spider-man movie .It focuses on Miles Morales,as he must take up the mantle of Spider-man ,learn to control his powers, help Spider-people from other dimensions go back home and save reality from the Kingpin .The animation is gorgeous ,the story is great,the characters are fun (Especially Nicholas Cage as Spider-Man Noir ) and it is very emotional

9.Batman the Movie

I LOVE THIS MOVIE .It is legit one of my favorite Batman movies,and a solid Silver Age romp with Batman and Robin fighting against their four arch enemies :Penguin,Catwoman,Riddler and Joker .We get a romance between Bruce Wayne and Catwoman that is oddly sad ,Penguin is the big bad (Which is refreshing cause normally Joker would take that role ),and a lot of funny moments including the immortal”Some days you just cant get rid of a bomb”

10.Avengers Infinity War and Avengers Endgame

The two part epic is a finale of sorts for the MCU ,at least of the Avengers saga which started with Iron Man.We have an intriguing villain in the form of the Mad Titan, Thanos,great action,heartbreak ,and just a grand scale ,these movies feel BIG 

11.Batman Mask of the Phantasm

Probabbly my favorite Batman movie,that is both a mystery with a mysterious killer targeting gangsters and a peak into Batmans past ,of the life he couldve lead .This film is all about Batman’s struggle with identity ,and is a terrific tragedy .

12.The Mark of Zorro

So I may be cheating here,as Diego is actually not Zorro all that much in this movie,but I think it counts.I adore this movie ,showing really how cunning Zorro is ,seeming to just be a rich idiot but  making a fool out of his foes ,.Plus it has one of the best fight scenes of any movie ever,as the sword fight against Diego and Captain Pasquale is truly epic

@cinefantastiquemitho​ @filmcityworld1​ @inevermetapenguinididntlike​

#the mark of zorro #the mask of zorro #batman #batman the movie #batman mask of the phantasm #superman the movie #spider-man: into the spider-verse #avengers infinity war #captain america: the first avenger #the crow #wonder woman #logan

[nellie-elizabeth]

Supernatural: Inherit the Earth (15x19)

That was somehow simultaneously a crowded mess, and a complete anticlimax. I'm literally just like... super confused and afraid about what the finale is going to be now.

Cons:

Sam's the dog person. That's part of canon. I liked the moment when Dean found the dog, or whatever, but I wish Sam had gotten a moment with the puppy too, before Chuck took it away. A small thing, but one of those typical wrong details in Buckleming episodes, where it just honestly doesn't seem like they know the characters very well.

Lucifer and Michael have a fight in the Bunker and Michael takes Lucifer out really, really easily. So like. Remember when the first five seasons of the show were the buildup to the Apocalypse, and Sam sacrificed himself for an eternity in Lucifer's Cage to stop it from happening? Apparently a fight between the two archangels is just a bit of fisticuffs, nothing to get worked up about. That annoyed me. But I guess consistency has never been something this show has cared much about...

Also just... Lucifer in general, coming back for like five minutes so he can mug at the camera and then be unceremoniously killed? Here's the thing: we had Billie as Death, and she hated them but maybe it would have been interesting to see her and the boys team up to figure out Chuck's ending... but instead, she's gone, Lucifer gets a pointless return, provides us with another Death, who is there for two seconds, says a couple of vaguely funny lines, and then dies... and we still never find out what's in the book.

The fight with Chuck was so badly edited! It was so weird to see him just wail on Sam and Dean, and repeated shots of him hitting them, and them getting up, while he kept saying "okay fellas, enough, please stay down" over and over again. Given that the whole "erasing the people from the world" thing was so much like Infinity War, I kept comparing this fight with God to the climax of Endgame. In that instance, you have a small group of intrepid fighters going up against a big bad evil, and then just at the moment when they're run down and helpless, the whole crowd of friends returns and joins in the fight. Instead of that, it's just Jack showing up and absorbing God's powers, and then they leave him begging on the beach. Not a bad ending for Chuck, which I'll get to in a moment, but the epic-ness was seriously missing from this final showdown.

So, when Jack returned the world to its normal state, did he bring back all of their friends, too? I want to believe this was something that Covid took away from them, where instead of seeing shots of Charlie and her girlfriend, of Donna, Jody, the girls, Bobby, Eileen, they were forced to use stock footage of just random people around the world returning. Would have been cooler to see the epic return... and also super weird that Sam and Dean sit quietly in the bunker talking about free will, and we don't see Sam pull out his phone and call his girlfriend, like... I get not wanting to muddy the ending of the episode with a lot of fallout stuff, and I'm sure we'll get that next week? Like, I hope, anyway? But as it stood for this hour of television, it was super weird to me that the boys didn't immediately want to check on all of their friends to make sure everyone had returned from the dead.

Jack becoming the new God is actually a totally appropriate ending, people were speculating that he'd be the new God or Death or Empty, or some cosmic entity, anyway... and this honestly felt very fitting... BUT, I will say that there are two really, really stupid things about it. One, his "I'm everything and everywhere now" speech was super cheesy... "I'm in the air and the rocks and every drop of rain" or whatever. Such a cliche, I was almost painfully embarrassed listening to him. I honestly would have preferred less is more, here. Like, what if he'd said the stuff about how humans can be their best when they need to be, that was a good line... and then Sam says "what if we want to see you? Grab a beer?" And Jack just says "I'm around" and then vanishes, leaving it vague? I think the idea of a hands-off deity is perfect, of course... makes sense for the "free will wins the day" ending we've got going here, but I didn't think stating it outright was the best move.

The second reason Jack becoming God was rendered kind of comedically awful in the way it happened is... well, elephant in the room, let's talk about how Cas was handled in this episode.

Here's a quote from last week's review:

"I'm worried that Cas dying is gonna get swallowed up with everyone dying and not get its due, thus making the confession completely isolated. Like, here you go, gays, have this one scene, which, in isolation is quite heartfelt from Cas' perspective, but can be carefully boxed up and not touched for the last two hours of the show. If they don't want to touch on how this would affect Dean specifically, they don't have to. He can be generally angsty and sad about Cas, but they could get away with never bringing it up again, and that is some grade-A level bullshit right there, my friends."

And... yeah. Look, I know there are people on Tumblr right now saying that this episode being the "brothers only" ending means that next week we'll get Cas back and Dean will confess his love or whatever... but y'all, it's not going to happen. I'm sorry. I'd love to be wrong. If I'm wrong, I will gladly eat crow and celebrate along with the rest of you, but I just... I've been burned before. I know what's going on here, and it's not what you think it is.

Dean was undeniably devastated in this episode. We see him drinking to excess, falling asleep on the floor, grasping onto tiny moments of joy like with the dog and then being furious and upset when they fall through. But that devastation was not textually about Cas specifically. Sure, there were moments, like him telling God to bring everything back, and then namedropping Cas specifically. Or the way he ran up the stairs when Cas' voice was on the phone. But what I'm saying is? Those are crumbs, there for those of us who care to gobble up, easily ignored and subsumed by the larger losses the boys are suffering. Sam is devastated too, guys. About his girlfriend, about Charlie, about Donna, and Jody, etc. etc. etc. Who's to say their grief is any different from one another, even though they're handling it with different coping mechanisms? The "I love you" wasn't even on the "previously on".

Like. There's a universe where Dean does get a moment of Cas-related catharsis in the finale, even though Misha's not coming back. Maybe he has a private moment to grieve just for him, to contemplate that specific loss. But I'm telling you: I don't care if an openly gay man wrote 15x18, I don't care that Misha found it moving. The bottom line is, Cas confessing his love for Dean was the moment of catharsis the show was willing to offer us. We ain't getting much else.

So going back to Jack, why on earth does nobody suggest that maybe when he's popping the rest of the world back to the way it's supposed to be, he also brings Cas back? This is what I'm talking about with contrived sacrifices. Last week, they could have written a way for Dean to get out of that scrape without Cas dying. And this week, Jack's determination to be a "hands-off" God is not enough to explain why he wouldn't restore his father Castiel from the Empty. Especially since Chuck brought Lucifer back from the Empty, proving that God can do that. Even though that contradicts earlier lore but whatever. The point is, I'm saying it's sloppy. Cas' death, Cas staying dead, does not feel like an earned inevitability to me. I'm prepared to eat my words if they bring him back in the finale, but even if that happens (which it won't), he's not going to be smooching Dean Winchester on the mouth, y'all. He's just not.

So then that ending. "Finally free," says Dean, completely unaware that he's echoing the theme from the end of season five but making it hopeful now for some reason? And that end montage felt like an ending 100%, and I won't say it was bad to see it, see all the memories, the characters... I mean, Charlie dancing in the elevator, getting glimpses of Ellen and Jo, Bobby, Crowley... I'm not going to complain about that, it was honestly quite fun, but it also felt extremely anticlimactic and gave us no sense of where the characters are going to go from here. And yes, I know we have an episode next week, it's just...

Here's the thing I'm scared of, and I'm going to go ahead and put it here in the "cons" section because I don't know where it belongs yet. Despite my complaints about this episode, thematically there was one thing it got right: the answer to defeating Chuck wasn't destined, it wasn't in a book of preordained endings. They had to come up with it by themselves, using the tools at their disposal, and they won, and they get free will now, they get the release from having someone else tell their story. Great. So... what does that leave us next week?

As mentioned above, I really don't think the final 43 minutes is going to be an epic gay love story where Dean fights to get Cas back, I really don't. That leaves us two options: either a tepid re-tread of the themes already established, an epilogue of sorts where we just get to see a life in the day, a new normal for the boys. I wouldn't be furious about this, but I also think it won't really feel like closure for me. They just keep hunting? They keep saving people? That's fine, I guess, but they can't really walk back the fact that God is their son, can they? When they die the next time, do they go to the Empty? Who is Death, now? Are Heaven and Hell okay? Are we meant to be convinced that nothing will ever come back to bite them in the ass, they'll live long lives, and a benevolent afterlife is waiting for them when it's over? I'm not convinced I believe in things being that simple, so it sort of seems like the show would end by saying "okay, and more of the same."

The second possibility is worse, though, that being a total status-quo shift, like the end comes and the Empty is after them and they have to become the new Death and Empty as some speculated, or some wild harebrained plot twist gets thrown in at the last second and undoes the actual good parts of the theme established here. I hope for the first, but I don't know that it'll make me happy, to be quite honest. I really don't want it to feel this way, but Cas being gone is the big elephant in the room, for me. It truly is.

Pros:

I did like the earlier parts of the episode, the eeriness and the helplessness of them being alone. Continuing with the Avengers comparisons, it was very similar to the long, slow opening to Endgame, where we see a lot of grief, a lot of helplessness, an lot of directionless moping. That felt appropriate and it made it all the more invigorating when Michael showed up, giving us a spark of direction in which to move.

While I thought the fight with Chuck was edited really strangely and didn't work for me, I did like this ending for Chuck. Very much like the end of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Chuck doesn't die, which he honestly would have found a satisfying, creative ending for his story. Instead, he gets to live on as a normal human, sans powers, and be forgotten. Brutal and appropriate! It ties back into the free will thing. Chuck can do whatever he wants with his remaining time, but he can't steal other people's choices from them any longer. It's the black and the white, the good and the bad, of being just... human. Which ties in with Sam and Dean being more or less hopeful about their outlook moving forward. (God, I'm so fucking scared they're going to screw up the few things I liked about this episode in next week's finales.)

Like I said, I did find Jack becoming God an appropriate ending for him as a character. It's the right type of bittersweet: he's there, and we can imagine that in the future, he does go visit Sam and Dean for a beer. Or maybe he doesn't, and that's okay too. Knowing he's at peace, knowing he's benevolent, and that he'll do the best he can for the people of the world(s). It's nice, a comforting deity instead of a manipulative overlord. And the fact that his benevolence and kindness and compassion are born out of a human mother, and two human fathers, and an angel who embraced humanity with everything in himself... instead of from Lucifer, who tried to create him in his image? Well, that's a lovely resolution for a character that became a surprising favorite over the years.

As I think I mentioned last week, I'm willing to let this show manipulate my emotions here at the end, when it can manage to do so. So yeah, of course I loved that Cas and Jack's names are added to the table along with SW, DW, and MW. Obviously that's adorable as hell. And as I said, the montage worked for me, it was certainly quite lovely. I just... like I said at the start of this, I'm just frankly terrified of what's coming next week.

I mean, here's the thing, I want an ending that honors Sam and Dean as the protagonists of this show, but I want it where they live in the bunker, and Eileen and returned-from-the-dead-Castiel live with them as their partners. If someone told me I couldn't change a thing about what's happened so far, but I could decide how the last episode went, that's how I'd end it. Showing a network of hunters getting support and able to live more stable, reasonable lives while still doing a dangerous job. Sam embracing his intellectual prowess and running things from the bunker, Dean and Cas going out on the road, Sam and Eileen going out on the road, or any combination therein. Jack watching over them benevolently from above. Jody and Donna and the girls living their best lives. Kaia and Claire as a couple, onscreen. A glimpse of a more stable afterlife, now that Jack is there to run things, the confirmation of a peaceful ending whenever our human protagonists do finally shuffle off this mortal coil. Peace, but change, too.

I just don't believe that's what we're getting. I can't believe it, and that makes me really frightened for what comes next week. I'm prepared to be pissed off. Quite frankly, I'm expecting it.

6/10

#review #supernatural #supernatural review #spn 15x19 #spn