#people are shitty and i get that! ive known that! im just. really fucking tired of the reminder ig

[wabblebees]

.

#ok while i think the resurgence of kungpowpenis is usually pretty damn funny + i love it in theory #its also been popularizing/spreading a lot of fucked shit that i dont WANT to see the main post for. #like i was already having a bad brain moment so. seeing transphobic bullshit ((especially in this case targeting nonbinary people like me)) #was. Really Fucking Not what i needed! #idk. it just. im so fucking tired. ive blocked tags ive blocked blogs ive unfollowed and done shit to ~curate my experience~ etcetcetc #but i still wanna explore and poke around and find new interesting things and learn new povs and like! add enrichment to my enclosure! yk? #idk. ig this is just me complaining again #people are shitty and i get that! ive known that! im just. really fucking tired of the reminder ig #theres been. so many of those lately #''lately'' i say. as though its still semi-new... idk. hhhh. #i miss my people. not just bc they Arent Shitty but bc they help me put into perspective that people in general arent all shitty and are #often!! good!! and kind and loving and fun and and and #and i need that reminder... much more often than i like letting on #id like a bubble to hide in for a little while #one big enough to fit all of us in #and one that would keep us all safe #bc. fuck. #for now ill settle for just. keeping the brainrot at bay #holding onto the whole ''these feelings arent peer-reviewed'' ''its long after 9pm'' thing and its helping some! but sleep would probably #be more helpful but uh. also dont trust thAt at the moment lmao so. i think imma switch from doomscrolling + brainrot-posting to #playing stardew valley + listening to different music until im so tired i at least Probably wont have dreams lmao #bee speaks

[izzyliker]

Hey, asking you this as nicely as I can but can you give the immediate victim blaming a break. The absolute lack of respect you have for the people tmc abused is genuinely disheartening. Yes, he’s a shitty person, you’re entitled to hate him but immediately going “well you should’ve seen it coming earlier lol we’ve been saying this” is just ASTONISHINGLY shortsighted and cruel. Have your opinions about him and the situation all you want I would just ask that you please keep it to yourself due to the many many people he’s hurt that are still on here and can see you disparaging them.

ok, that is not what i have been saying. "well you should've known" is not an accurate summary of my feelings on this matter but apologies if thats how it came across. i have been in an abusive relationship where the person did a lot of the same things and i, too, defended that person without considering how it impacted other people. i almost lost my best friend because of how i acted as a result of keeping him in my life while people around me kept telling me to get tf out. i know.

what i am is im frustrated and annoyed by how long people were willing to publicly and passionately defend this guy while apparently fully aware what kind of shit he was doing to other people, many of which is detailed in the callout itself, and how this is now being framed as news. before the document itself was published all me (or anyone) had to go off of was vague posts that amounted to a "callout trailer" and almost all of the information on it was shit that was 100% completely public knowledge. 20+ people being aware of all that goddamn stuff and not one of them publicly stopping associating with him is frustrating. it comes across as spineless and yes, like one anon told GD, gaslighty (although i have my own issues with this being used on a large scale instead of in interpersonal relationships but i understand where they were coming from). his lesbophobia, transphobia (strange that none of the transphobia towards trans men was mentioned?), and panphobia/aphobia/biphobia were widely documented and seeing that on a callout post as if it were news was extremely tiring.

ive since read the callout. the interpersonal actions seem to have been horrible but sadly im not surprised (by which i dont mean "and neither should you" but rather. my spidey senses for this sort of behavior are pretty accurate most of the time and i did see this coming. this isnt me saying im Better than these people or that they shouldve as well but rather that i have learned to identify people of this genre.) by any of them.

also im 75% sure this is tumblr user GD. hello. if not then apologies, its just that the typing here is very similar. if it is, i think you trying to both take accountability for this and process whatever it is youre processing at the same time on tumblr is a bad idea and going to just lead to people feeling hurt and betrayed because while i truly do see where the reaction is coming from (like, truly, i understand, believe me), if you say "i take responsibility for how i acted while being manipulated" but then when people voice their negative feelings you tell them theyre victim blaming you it is going to reflect poorly on you. i dont think you understand how many people were absolutely hurt by the enabling you and your large, massively popular group of friends did for him, including the MASSIVE defense rant you typed up in defense of him when someone sent an ask to the bi jon event about him being panphobic and aphobic. whether its fair for people to expect you to immediately go into depth about it is questionable but dont invite people to do this when you obviously cannot handle it (i dont mean this in a bad way like "oh you should handle it". i mean genuinely this is how you get burnt out and possibly worsen possible future trauma. by trying to immediately placate people without having the mental resources to do so.)

i think the "we dont condone these views and never did!" without ever specifying what they were or doing any other work there is a lazy fucking cop-out. your circle was/is massively popular and a lot of people took all of you as authorities on stuff like headcanons and respectful portrayals of certain characters or identities to the point of accepting your meta as canon (something you havent really dissuaded ever), and associating publicly with someone who would constantly do this kind of shit and then defending him publicly while also positing yourself as an authority isnt something you can just "oops! we never agreed with him!" yourself out of. GD & TF specifically, you are massive blogs. you are babys first TMA blog. people in your askbox hurt and betrayed by this shit are not necessarily there to victim blame you. they are there because they trusted your word when they said "hey seraf reblogged anti pan and anti ace and weird transphobic posts" and you said "seraf is one of my dearest friends and would never do any of those things and im personally offended youd even imply that." i think you dont understand the real life consequences of the massively popular posts and sentiments he made & published and that you helped spread (despite apparently knowing that he was being a massive hypocrite and bigoted towards those groups or identities in his personal life). obviously interpersonal abuse/conflict is going to be "worse" but dear god i hope you collectively understand that "oh btw we never endorsed his views" is a massive copout and a shit apology for the hurt this association and endorsement caused. tmc has been terrorizing this fucking fandom for months with his bullshit and bigotry and you have not been passive bystandars but active enablers.

anyways, hope everyone involved gets to uh, heal i suppose, but i think expecting the people who seraf suicide baited, the groups of trans men he misgendered, the people who he targeted and harassed, the genuine fucking long lasting dysphoria he caused real people to have over his shitty takes re: transness and dysphoria, and the general shit behavior he was allowed to keep up with zero pushback from anyone in his circle of the fandom to drop all the anger or frustration they have for the people who enabled him and defended him aggressively is... unrealistic. and makes you look bad. especially when the doc doesnt even clarify which opinions you still support.

#disk horse #abuse ment #long post #also im ngl some of the shit in the doc rly didnt need to be there if it genuinely was just a warning or whatever #also from what my jewish friends have said the whole section about converts not being jewish seems recklessly irresponsible as a thing to #include with any amount of authority re: the status of converts #But whatever.

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

alright everyone raise your hand if you know where this is going.....yeah im sorry, this is about to be a train wreck of a vent post

okay so ur local teen is a smidge anxious and upset if i do say so myself. for the main reasons, of course. i’ve done literally nothing all summer, and the jealousy and anger is catching up with me, and it’s really just *chef’s kiss*. um, im also PMS-ing so that’s probably why i’ve consistently felt like shit for DAYS on end. um, i cant really tell my mom that i “can’t see myself when i look in the mirror, it’s not a trans thing, it’s called i think im fucking losing it” or something similar, not anything else. it’s um.....i absolutely hate it. i cant really talk to my therapist right now, which limits my options to family and friends. i /could/ talk to my family, but i wouldnt want to worry them, and i dont want them to send me to a psych ward. and i know that my friends are here, and they always are, but i dont want them to worry, a lot of them have jobs, and i also feel like i overshare a lot....i do overshare a lot, actually, and ive realized that it’s kinda frowned upon. so im not gonna do that. (check back in with me, this is going to cause me to bottle my emotions) i cant really find the healthy medium between those two.

let me just talk about fandom shit really quickly, because my god, i belong to a few and theyre notorious for being “toxic”. okay so, fandoms arent toxic, people are toxic. a lot of the time, a large group in that fandom have done something really shitty, or are known for something really shitty, and everyone forms one negative opinion of that group of people. kinda like stereotyping, but not quite. let me talk about BNHA for a bit. this fandom is known for “being toxic” now, let me say, i see a LOT of shit going on, a lot of discourse, and its nasty as fuck. its gross. my rule is “do what you want within reason” i just....jesus the shit going on...um. so it’s gross sexualizing of minors, all that shit, ew, nasty, disgusting, hate it. but like...bad things make it harder for me to enjoy a piece of media that BRINGS ME LEGIT JOY. like bad ppl, just SHUT THE FUCK UP, let me enjoy this. i go “am i a bad person for liking this” no, no im not, theres just a fuck ton of bad apples who kinda fuck everything up for everyone. thats it. 

and heyy, this is where we get into deep rooted issues. i have intrusive thoughts. i usually dont dwell on them, because of my relationship of “if you think this will happen, it will, especially if it’s a bad thing” and like?? i have a grandfather who’s older, im terrified of something happening to him, my dad is older, im terrified of something happening to him too. my mom as well. and especially my brother. and me too, like of course me! i have random aches and i go “is this it, am i just gonna die from this” and there’s the constant fear that i have of “i could be secretly dying and know nothing about it.” which is fun to think about. and sometimes before i go to sleep, i think “i could wake up and be dead” so thats also lots of fun to think about. my thoughts are terrifying. as well as that, i know they’re also probably not that normal. for someone of my age, absolutely not. there’s no way that im not like??? losing it with these thoughts.

also i hate the fact that my parents are arguing over some of the dumbest shit. i can hear my mom talk about my dad from MY ROOM, she’s in the kitchen, all the way across the house. and she does the same thing with me, which i hate. it hurts to have people talk about you, but especially behind your back. when they might think that they cant hear you. i hate that she does that. if she has a problem with me, please say it to my face, it’s gonna hurt, but i honestly dont even care enough, like thanks for damaging me, but saying that i keep “doing this shit” years ago, still sticks with me.

i sleep all day (because i go to sleep at 4, 5 in the morning) and also because being awake reminds me that im wasting my life, and my time. there’s also like nothing to do. i could clean, but for what? if i bake too early in the morning, i get frustrated, and scared that im just gonna feel sick (another fear of mine, yayyy), like i have when i bake too early. going outside is boring, i cant go outside of the house. my friends in town probably arent vaccinated, so theres that. my mom thinks im seeing one specific person (and im not) and for sexual reasons, in which, thanks a lot. it’s not even for that reason. i just want a hug, that’s it. it’s literally so simple. i want a hug, and to sit in the park and just bask in the sunlight with people that actually love and appreciate me. for once. but apparently i cant.

im just....done with everything. and tired.

i honestly need a fucking psychological evaluation, so does the rest of my fucking family. im tired of not knowing what the fuck is wrong with me. there’s no way that the normal person does these things, and thinks these thoughts. 

but yeah um, if ur under 18, write smut, do what you want, but dont show your naked ass on the internet bestie, it’s not worth the trauma.

yes, i write smut, yes its what im known for, HOWEVER, my mutuals dont see me in a sexual light, they see me as me, ellie the kiddo who writes smut and who also bakes occasionally.

ima go eat.

[stillwooozy]

i wish i had money or not-university insurance to see a therapist again cuz like im realizing how dysfunctional i am 

no, not really dysfunctional

but i only rly do things that make me unhappy and distressed

but i want to do them 

im either hypersexual or asexual 

im either 100% there for my friends or they piss me off & im an avoidant aloof ghost 

im either ‘haha look im sane’ or in the midst of a psychotic episode 

im dependent/addicted on rx and not-rx drugs 

idk 

on the surface i move forward 

but things are just shitty 

and therapy doesnt even fcking help it gets me so mad

ik i need to nut up and figure it out myself 

idk how

i hate the mental health system 

and i hate how dysfunctional i am 

aka - something minor upset me. very minor. objectively so. 

and my friend was talking to me about something and i felt like he was.. flirting? i dont flirt btw. i go on grindr and receive blatant validation and fuck a person just so i feel liked and then leave. and this is my annoying friend, ‘paul’ btw... who was ‘straight’ and i loved him, then i didn’t and he became bi, and now idk. we dont talk about. i dont want to talk about it. hes like family now - ive known him since i was 14? but im not attracted to him anymore cuz his personality has been annoying me so much. but also idk how to deny affection 

then we were hanging out w/ his cousin - also bi and shes pretty cool even tho i dont know her

and i felt like he was trying to get us together? which is weird in my book but hes a weirdo. like ‘haha u guys both are weird/cool ppl. aww a psych and philosophy major so cute’ and im like stfu paul go smoke weed alone im tired 

so now its pretty late and everyone is sleep deprived 

and idk, i just hate myself 

i may be in a type of manic episode 

idk. i really dont

im just frustrated. i cant rly talk to people and ive been doing the exact same shit since i was 13 

yea i was triggered looking through my old IG account 

shitty things happen because im impulsive and obsessive and a huge weirdo 

but i cant stop being shitty . oh well, woe is me i guess 

[silverandarsenic-hcs]

Oh boy negative requests! What are some of the negative traits the Papas' and Copia have?

I WANTED THIS ONE FROM THE START. im ready. 

Papa I: too old to do anything. he may be strong and smart, but he’s old, and tired, and gets grumpy when he’s tired. and when he’s grumpy hes a fucking asshole. he really doesn’t want to do anything, like go out for a fun day in the city, or try new things. can’t teach an old dog new tricks, and he doesn’t even try tricks he’s known about for forty years. He can be boring, and he can be punchy and shitty when he’s annoying (I don’t mean like punchy as in hitting, just you know when you were grumpy as a kid and you get really irritated and annoyed and kind of just wanna have a hissy fit and cant control it???? that.) 

Papa II: look we know he’s grumpy, Ive said it before and I’ll say it again, he is not interested in people. he likes parties, and he likes his friends (sometimes), and sure, he loves his s/o, but unless hes completely hopelessly devoted, dont expect a damn thing including a thank you. he has to be madly in love with you for you to even get flowers, and thats a stretch for him, which can leave his s/o feeling maybe a little lonely or unloved at times in the beginning. he has a shitty temper and when he gets mad its best to just leave him alone because you do not want to get caught in the crossfire here. he’ll yell and scream and throw things and its not pretty. his temper is also a defensive thing. I wouldn’t bring him a problem unless you want the person who caused it to show up in the obituaries of next weeks paper. He doesn’t know how to handle things properly without getting angry or pretending they dont exist at all.

Papa III: cant take no for an answer. he doesnt understand when someone refuses his advances because all of the girls in the clergy falling all over him his whole life has made his head a little too big. if you want major fucking ego, he’s the brother for you. if you don’t want flowers, and you don’t want random extravagant things, he’s not the brother for you, because if you tell him you don’t like the things he’ll assume you hate him and decide that you shouldn’t be together anymore. sure, it comes from a place of caring and wanting to spoil his s/o, but fuck, bro, tone it down.

Cardinal Copia: Resident Copia Dislik-er here, but if you’re looking for emotional instability, look no further. you’ve found it. Copia is weak, and squishy, and couldn’t kill a spider for you if you asked (he probably couldn’t even swat away a mosquito for you). If you need someone to talk to about something heavy, he’s not it. if you have a problem that requires the attention of a higher up, you’re better off just going to Nihil instead. He can’t handle his problems without losing his head and he doesn’t understand that sometimes him going absolutely nuts annoys the absolute fuck out of other people. 

- Judith, who’s in a sort of bad mood and thinks that if we cant be honest about their flaws we cant love them truly for their strengths. 

#a #hc #negative hc #judith #papa i #papa emeritus i #Papa Emeritus II #papa emeritus iii #papa ii #papa iii #cardinal copia #copia #cardi c #ghost #ghost bc #the band ghost #ghost band

[chaotic-adhd-babe]

Heyo Lovely followers/ anyone reading this

Ive recently realized that I havent really told you guys much about myself (or anything at all- I havent even done an intro post) so here ya go if anyone wants to know

About me

I'm maddy! (She/ her/ hers)

Im in my early 20s

I have ADHD PI, diagnosed when I was 17.

I am chaotic all the way on the character alignment chart, But also my life is just chaotic.

I made this blog specifically to:

Connect with other ADHDers and find community through that

Learn about my ADHD as I recover and get my life sorted out from the hellish hot disaster-mess it was before, One day at a time

I'm applying to nursing school right now (ADHD in nursing school= God Help me😬)

Currently my adhd ass is unmedicated (pray for me) but hopefully I will be on meds before nursing school, and in the meantime Im reading You Mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?! (great book so far- I highly reccommend it to other ADHDers esp those newly diagnosed-its here) and Im collecting positive adaptive coping mechanisms and strategies like a damn packrat.

Here are some fun facts about my life:

I want to be a nurse

I need to go to nursing school to be a nurse

I'm scared shitless of going to nursing school more than anything else, except for maybe like losing my mom or something like that

Im trying to get accepted to nursing school anyways so I can be a nurse but doing that is... uuugh shitty and frustrating and it really Executives all of my Dysfunctions

Also lately I've been struggling with some god-awful anxiety, although I have no known disorders connected to this. I'm a beginner in dealing with anxiety (I see now that Ive had it for years But honestly this is the 1st time Ive identified it as that or started trying to manage it) and I'm seeing that there's a big learning curve with it. Even though it scares the hell out of me, Im not giving up!

When I was diagnosed and for a like a full 4 years afterward, I didnt know shit about ADHD. I got diagnosed and legit just decided to push that out of my mind for 4 years, I think because I wasnt ready yet to deal with all the shit that came with accepting that I'd been living with this damn disordered brain for my whole life without ever knowing about it. But recently Ive decided to start educating myself about ADHD. Since that time I have learned so damn much its amazing,

And now Im hyperfixating on it (Im not even sorry Lol), so if you have a question please ask! You're always welcome to drop asks here But I'm not a mental health professional and I have no psych degrees- I'm just a struggling, very frustrated, discouraged but still trying like hell everyday, simple ADHD bitch hoping for some better days ahead.

I am 1000% sure there are countless ppl on here who know way more about ADHD/ neurodivergence in general than I do, but I'll do my best. Now Im kinda thinking that my interest in ADHD might actually stick around for good too so that'd be cool

Im one of those ADHDers who's also introverted as hell and I consider my alone time to be on the same level as food and water. (at least regarding mental health)

Also I post about mental health and neurodivergence.

I realize that my ADHD has caused so, so many problems. My ADHD has completely wrecked havoc and caused all hell to break loose in all areas of my life. It's also made me feel miserable, and left me feeling like I am always, always constantly floundering and struggling to find stable ground. To be honest I am so so fucking frustrated and discouraged and ashamed and angry and insecure about the state my life is in right now, sometimes I dont know how I'm gonna get through the day without breaking down. I am so so damn sick and tired of living like this everyday.

But I want to get better more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I dont want to live like this anymore. No one should have to live like that. I'm still trying like holy hell everyday, and goddamnit Im gonna figure this shit out if it kills me. Watch me die trying if you'd like!

Im looking for interaction with other ADHDers and I made this blog so I could find community with people who have brains like mine and who struggle with things similar to what I struggle with, so really you are more than welcome to reach out to me.

Thank you for reading this post/ stopping by/ following me :) I hope you have a good day/night! Please try to go easy on yourself if you can.

#about me #intro post #if you can even call this an intro post #as Ive had this blog for several months now #and this is my first post of this kind #adult adhd #actually adhd #adhd #adhd problems #adhd tag #months-late intro post #personal

[weathernerdmando]

there a really big part of me that wants to just. isolate myself. from everyone because it feels like im just. annoying people and making them annoyed when i make myself known by talking or anything. and also clearly im not good enough at doing coding shit so maybe i should just quit? bc i dont know "simple stuff" that "shouldnt have to be explained line by line" and also im shitty bc i feel like im demanding attention and that i do it too much and i should just shut up. and i cant stop fuckoyng crying over stupid shit and ive eaten and drank and i still cant fucking focus. and clearly im just gonna fail school so why the fuck should i even try. I'm probably not gonna get the gpa i need to get into the school i wanted to get into next year and im gonna hate myself when that happens bc clearly im just stupid and not as smart as i thought i was and not as good at things as i thought i am and i dont know what to base my self worth on if not that because thats what its been on for so long that anything else feels wrong and other people tell me that if i dont contribute to society that im useless and should be discarded/actually try that and destroy myself in the process. and im not suicidal so clearly im fine amd other people deserve more attention cause their problems are worse.

and i dont even know if any of what im feeling is logical or even acurate bc i never got told what was and wasnt but most of whay know is shitty treatment from other people and it being me being annoying being the cause but apparently that doesnt make it justified but some people say it does? and sometimes i agree its wtong and then sometimes i think i deserved it so that id be normal and less of a burden and less of a problem and i dont know what the answer is.

half the time i talk in a discord server i feel like I just annoy people with what i say bc it eoyther takes forever for a response or i dont get one or i do and then i feel guilty about feeling hurt.

and this semester is actually going ok. i enjoy learning and i dont feel burned out for once but i still cant prioritize and i still need meds and i still cant make As and im just. tired. and i shouldn't be because clearly its better but i dont fucking know.

and today i took the damn meds i got the damn food i slept well last night and this weekend and this last week and im still fucking breaking down.

and then theres fucking mediation and im having damn nightmares anyways even though mediation isnt till Wednesday.

and part of me wants to beg someone to listen and just. understand? and i dont even know. but then theres another part that doesnt wanna bother people because they have their own issues just as much as me and dont need to hear this and dont need to deal with my issues and i dont want to cause then to have an issue with something. and that parts gonna win bc i grew up being told to put myself last and dont talk to people unless they talk to you first and you're annoying and loud and hyper. and you're not supposed to be selfish at all and you're supposed to suppress that and so i feel guilty when i do say maybe i do need help or do want that or maybe someone does what i mention wanting to do and someone else wanted to do something else and if i mention that its cause i never did it or i felt bad or something with my mom i feel like im guilt tripping and i dont want to do that and thats what my mom did and i will not be like her.

and i have to be perfect i cant ever mess up i cant ever do something wrong. if someones mad at me even if theyre wrong clearly its my fault and i need to apologise and fix it and its my job to make it right. and im not owed an apology or anything even if they do actually need to apologize.

#personal shit #sorry just. needed to put this somewhere. #bc if i dont ill say yeah im fine! and ignore this #even tho im already like this is pointless im fine.

[groupie-inspired]

i really wish i had more friends that would actually fucking talk to me, and im really sad about it right now

i know that i am strong on my own but it makes me really upset to think that people i care about no longer even care enough about me to respond to my messages for once

and im tired or being told im being dramatic or something it’s like, if you haven’t answered one of my texts in literally like three fucking months then how can you call us true friends

i feel like people in my life have gotten so used to me giving & giving & giving and settling for getting nothing back that no one sees any responsibility on their part to maintain a relationship with me

but when they want something, who do they ask? me. and who gives it to them, and doesn’t ask for hardly anything in return? me, bitch.

how can you literally only hit me up to ask for shit and then deliberately not open my snap for days on end like, im not an idiot i see through that shit and it’s like okay, I get it, that’s how some people are and I don’t hold that against them... but I just can’t keep those people as my support system or true friends in my life

and like one of my friends who ive known for years like just doesn’t talk to me or text me anymore and I don’t fucking get why because it’s not like I harrass people, or something

it’s like if I texted you 2 weeks ago do you think you could say something

im tired of this, im tired of the “oh that’s just how i am” from fucking EVERYONE. i make adjustments for others constantly, i drop what im doing to help another person or to talk to another person because i love them. why can’t anyone make adjustments for me the way i have over and over again made adjustments for them?

i just am so fucking over giving and giving and getting nothing back, and then to make it worse i convince myself i never give anyone anything when it’s obvious I practically do everything to give the people I truly love what they want

many of my friends don’t act like they value what i want, or what i need to feel secure and like I have a real support system

im just a fucking throwaway or something, and i literally refuse to be treated that way anymore

im just so fucking sad right now 😢

and when I feel this way about one thing in my life, I get so overwhelmed over literally everything else and then i feel so so shitty 💔

#why cant someone just fucking treat me like they love me

[kekeslider]

im gonna rant about a//urance + k/ancers under the cut so just ignore me if youre not into that

i dont get how people keep saying they NEVER saw a//urance coming, and the show didnt do a good enough job building up to it, when since like season 3 k/ancers have spent half their time trying to prove a//urance wasnt endgame. no one did that with p/ance or h@nce because those werent canon threats. a//urance ALWAYS has been and k/ancers have been knowing that but after s7 proved them wrong they decide to turn around and say a//urance has no build up. and its so obnoxious looking back at how much people have changed their view of it over the past 2 years

s1-2 no one was worried about a//urance for a number of reasons. the fandom generally thought a//ura was older and probably going to end up with sh!ro (sidenote that bc of the way s1-2 characters were moved around from their 80s counterparts, v/d sha//ura was basically the same pairing as 80s ka//ura + whatever sven + rome//e’s ship name is, bc conceptually v/d a//ura combined 80s a//ura and rome//e- peaceful/diplomatic princess [a//ura] and also warrior princess [rome//e].and v/d sh!ro was given 80s ke!ths position and characterization). sha//ura was everyone’s assumed endgame, the obvious one, while they thought k/ance would be the surprise slowburn endgame. add in that a//urance looked like a finn/bubblegum kind of thing, younger boy with a big obvious crush on disinterested older girl, and that lance and ke!th had a lot of focus in s1. back then, i can understand why no one saw a//urance coming. but looking back, it looks just like kat@@ng, so maybe we should have known.

once s3 hit, after everyone found out a//ura was a teen and therefore sha//ura was super unlikely, people started being afraid of both a//urance and ka//ura, but mostly a//urance bc the fandom went hard against ka//ura based on s2 (and other nonsense i wont get into rn). this is when you start getting metas about why a//urance would be a terrible endgame, why k/ance has more going for it. people say lance was too rude and creepy towards her in s1-2 so it sends a bad message, they say a//ura isnt reciprocating. every moment between them is CLEARLY platonic, 100000 word essay about why every a//urance interaction leads to k/ance. but its ok bc even tho s3 had a//urance moments, it still had loads of k/ance interaction [everyone collectively forgot about every ke!th and a//ura interaction including myself].

then in s4 ke!th leaves. lance and ke!th barely interact, but we see a couple good a//urance interactions. from s4 on we start seeing a//urance scenes that resemble k/ance scenes-which ill get to later. the bit on naxzela kinda looks like the bonding moment- “are you okay?” but otherwise s4 doesnt have a whole lot. but s5 gives us more a//urance while ke!th is straight up gone and does not talk to the team at all, which further lessens the perceived ka//ura threat. lance and a//ura have the sword scene, mutual support, lance takes a//uras side on the lot*r problem. but s5 gave people hope for a lance arc related to the clone, which would have to involve ke!th as well, 1+1= k/ance.

then s6 is a big turn around. it starts with a//urance looking dead and buried, despite some positive a//urance moments, bc of lot*ra, and ends with yet another supportive and emotional a//urance scene. meanwhile there’s not really 1 good k/ance moment unless you go BEYOND subtext when looking at their interactions. and with no lot*r, a//urance is once again a possibility. BUT people held on so tight to the rebound argument, and a LM interview, that they STILL refused to see the a//urance build up. that’s why s7 fucked everyone up so much. literally willful blindness and people trying to meta their way out of a//urance build up, until the blushing happened and it was SO in your face you couldnt deny it.

thats the part that irks me. it’s not that a//urance had no build up, its that the entire fandom purposefully refused to see it and would write metas about how lances feelings for a//ura were still about ke!th. there WAS build up, and it was consistent, and it makes sense. if you think the s1-3 k/ance friendship building was good romantic development, you have to acknowledge that the s3-7 a//urance friendship building was too.

and look, i get it. everyone has been clinging to k/ance since before a//urance even looked possible bc v/d has shitty inconsistent writing. you dont have to like a//urance, god knows i have nitpicky things with it, but saying it has no buildup is flat out lying. you can be mad that a//urance and k/ance have similar scenes while only a//urance is romantic. you can be mad about k/ance baiting in the marketing (which isnt done by the writers or showrunners and therefore isnt their fault). you can like k/ance better for whatever your reasons are, ive never been discrete about it being my preferred ship, but taking that out on the ship itself is rude to people who DO like the ship, because it has development and is probably canon, and is also just stupid. its willful ignorance.

i have issues with the way certain a//urance things are framed, but that goes down to the v/d writers being shit at their jobs, and if you have half a brain you could tell that the same problems would plague k/ance if thats what they had written. a//urance isnt any better or worse than the rest of vo/tron. the whole show is shit and it drags what would have been good pairings down with it. i’m probably forgetting important things in this rant but im so tired. and annoyed. and i wish k/ancers had never created this weird subculture, as much as i enjoy the endless content, because it went to a very weird place. i think 90% of k/ancers ended up being part of it or bought into it just bc mob mentality and s7 was the breaking point. just open your eyes and see what is literally Right There. keep loving or shipping k/ance but stop lying about why

#text post #keke bitches #rant #fair warning: this is long and im annoying #best to just not read it at all #ok to rb if you want to but idk why you would #******* #voltron

[writeouttaluck]

This is a quickie. Partially inspired by my childhood and teen years.

Both Elementary and Middle school had hammered home the idea that people are shitty and that they will fuck you up at any given chance in any way they think of. I started spending more time by myself and away from people. The only time I ever left was to hang out with friends and even that seemed to be falling apart for me. It was rough, really. Ive known my friends were shitty for a while, but its what i got. Everybody else is either too stupid or weird for me to fit into. Not to mention the assholes.

Everyone in my class was a fucking asshole and they could suck a fucking dick if they thought i was about to drop years of resentment and turn the other cheek.

Fuck that.

Ill stick with the criminals. At least they can be fun.

After my first day of 7th grade, I felt about 3 feet tall and twice as exhausted. I had an inkling that it was depression. I did some looking online and thats what matched how i feel. Tired, lack of motivation, easilly upset by everything. It felt like i was loosing my edge and i cant say im too happy about that.

At the same time, it seemed that as one fire was being put out, another was being discovered. Something felt wrong. I was still angry as ever but it was different. I was more angry at the world than i was angry at a particular thing.

I was slowly realizing that things just arent gonna get better and if they do, it wont be for a long, long time. I was pretty much destined to do nothing with my life considering i wasnt smart enough to carry myself education wise. Ive needed help with a lot of things for as long as I remember.

It felt unfair. I was supposed to be such a smart person, right? Yeah what a crock of shit. It seems that adults have been lying to me about far more than just santa claus and the tooth fairy.

And right now I really felt like knocking someones teeth out of their head.

Like the universe had read my fucking mind, I heard a few pebbles get tossed at my window.

I got out of my chair and peered behind me. Out the window stood Dylan. He cupped his hands and shouted.

“Lets fucking go!”

I nodded and slid the bandana up my face. I grabbed my leather vest and walked out of my room, making sure to close the door behind me as quietly as possible. My mom was passed out on the couch again with the dogs laying beside her. I stared for a moment, watching her breathe heavilly in her unconscious state before i decided it was safe to sneak away. I practically slithered to the door before taking one more look back.

Mom layed facing the tv and away from me. I knew the dogs were gonna go apeshit as soon as the door opened and so i prepared myself.

Then like ripping off a band aid, I swung the front door open and hopped outside, swinging it shut behind me. They started barking like crazy as I thought they would and so I stepped down the stairs on my porch real fast and ran around to my backyard where Dylan was waiting.

“What took you so long?” he said to me as I caught up with him.

I didnt answer, deciding that answering him was just a waste of time.

We walked through our backyard and through the tall grass of the house that lived behind us. It happened to be on the market for years now and didnt seem to be selling anytime soon. That made it a great place to break into and hang out. It was a regular thing at this point. Although since the yard was so open and surrounded by other houses, we kept the hanging in there to a minimum.

“Dude, this fucking kid has been talking some mad shit about me recently.” Dylan started in, “Hes been talking to my girlfriend and saying some really fucked up shit to her. Saying what he wants to do to her and all this shit and I swear if I get my fucking hands on him…”

He spoke with gnashed teeth and a vein fit to burst from his neck. He said all this while looking at his phone screen. I could only assume he was looking at this guys facebook profile.

All at once Dylan turned back to me and showed me the phone screen.

“This fucking faggot. Im gonna fucking kill him!”

I looked at the photo and quickly recognized his name. That was the guy my girlfriend cheated on me with. I could feel my blood draw to a boil as i stared at him. I balled my fists at my side white knuckle tight. Each digit made an audible popping sound as they rolled up.

“You know this kid?” Dylan asked me.

I looked away from the phone and to dylan and nodded my head.

He nodded back at me in understanding and we both had the same idea in mind.

“Lets find this motherfucker”

…

After some talking and walking and all kinds of looking, we figured the easiest way to get this fucker out of his safe space was to have Dylans girlfriend bait him into coming to a secure location. We decided that under the bridge in town was a pretty good place considering that not many people know how to get to the path down under. We headed there and waited for the little bastard.

After a while of sitting around, it was about 9:00. The sun had gone completely down at this point and it was dark. There wasnt any foot traffic above for nearly an hour until we heard a bicycle rattle its way over the wooden slats. I nodded at Dylan and he ran over to the bushes to go hide while I stayed in the the open. I leaned on one of the concrete beams and crossed my arms.

This was going to be interesting.

“Bella! Psst, Bella!” I heard him whispering as he walked down the little hill. He waded past some real tall grass and walked out onto the smooth surface before he noticed me standing there.

“Uh...hi?” He asked, looking at me.

I stared at him and waited.

I watched as Dylan stood from the grass behind him and bolted in the guys direction. Dylan decked him from behind in the back of the head and he stumbled foreward, falling on his hands.

That was my cue.

I walked over and pulled him up to standing level. He had his eyes squinted shut and teeth together. That punch definatly hurt.

Not taking time to hesitate, I held him infront of me with my hand around his mouth and holding his right arm behind his back.

“So, you think youre hot shit, huh?” Dylan said standing over him.

He drove a fist into the guys gut and I struggled to hold him as he doubled over in pain. I snapped him back into place as dylan got into his fighting stance. He stepped over and punched him across the face hard. It was the kind of hit that would leave a bruise the size of an apple. I felt the guy breathe heavier, and tears hit my hand that was still clamped over his mouth.

Dylan reared back again and swung, hitting him right in the teeth. The guys head rolled back a bit at the force of the hit. Im suprised that didnt knock him out.

Than dylan got a start and drove his foot square into his gut. The guy moaned in pain under my hand.

Then the guy did something balsy. He bit right down into my hand, hard. My instant reaction was to let go of his mouth and suddenly he pulled his arm away too. He tried making a dash for it but my anger had flared at the pain. I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and yanked him back hard into the rocks and gravel at my feet. He flew into the rocks face first and tried getting back up. I grabbed his belt and tossed him again, swinging his face into the rocks once more. At this, I didnt wait to see if he was gonna get up again. As soon as his head was raised, I crouched to his level and put my hand on the back of his head, slamming his face into the sharp rocks again. He yelped a bit in pain so I flipped him over and clamped my left hand around his throat. I squeezed like I meant it and closed off his wind pipe. He looked up at me in pity as he choked. I picked him up off the ground a bit and slammed him back down. I brought my right up like a big ass flesh hammer and brought down hard on his face. I raised it again and smashed him in the face again.

Once I saw the color start to drain from his face, I let go of his throat. He coughed and gasped for breath he desperately needed. I saw something move quickly out of the corner of my eye and brought my arm up to sheild my face. Dylan pelted a handful of sharp rocks at the guys face before following it up with another hard punch. Once I knew dylan had this, I stood up and brushed myself off.

Dylan crouched to his level and looked him in the eyes. Than he did something that actually shocked me. He produced a knife from his pocket and flipped it open real fast in front of the kids face.

Holy shit, was he actually going to kill him?

Dylan brought the knife up and dragged the dull side of the blade down the guys face, who now was so terrifyed that he had full on tears streaming down.

Right as I imagined dylan jabbing the knife through his eye, He stopped just short and whispered real low.

“You come near my girl again or If I hear you talking shit about me around down, Im gonna come to your house and kill you and your whole familly. Do you fucking understand?”

The guy just looked at him in fear.

“DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?!?!” He shouted in the guys face.

He quickly nodded out of fear.

Than Dylan clamped his hand on the guys face and shoved him back to the ground.

I got up as did dylan and we both started walking back to the top of the bridge. Once we got up there, we saw the guys bike parked next to the bench without a lock. So Dylan kicked the peg up and started walking it over the bridge.

At first I thought maybe Dylan was gonna steal this guys bike but that didnt seem like something he would do. Then we got to the mid point in the bridge and he stopped walking. I stopped too. He suddenly grabbed the bike by the middle and flung the whole damn thing over the edge like a big ass frisbee.

It dropped for a second before we heard it smash into the water below.

“That will teach that fucker…” Dylan said.

…

#fighting #taking care of buisness #anger #anger issues #angst #teen angst #threats #gang #gang violence #story #writing

[angstyteeninthegayscene]

Punk Goes Pop-Klance au

I’ve got a lot happening in the next few weeks, so I’ll try to get pt 9 up in the next day or so, so y’all have something in case I don’t have time to write. Enjoy!

First-Previous-Next-AO3

Pt 8

The rest of the day was spent playing video games and eating junk food, allowing Shiro to let loose and Keith to feel a bit of normalcy after his stressful weekend. It neared 9 when Shiro called it quits, so he could grade a few papers before bed. Keith powered down the X-box and retreated to his room to go to bed early, so he could maybe get a decent amount of sleep.

PJ-clad and ready for bed, Keith crawled under the covers and unlocked his phone to pull up a podcast to listen to. He remembered Hunk telling him about the new video from his “internet rival” and switched from his podcast app to Youtube to check it out quickly. He looked through the comments of his Rihanna video and sure enough there it was.

BlueTailor69: I warned you, Brogaynes <www.youtube.com/fakelink>

He snorted and clicked. The page redirected to the video and Keith shook his head when he saw the title, smiling at its ridiculousness, Bring Me To Life Evanescence Remix- also known as Brogaynes is a terrible person and I hate him.

The song opened with an instrumental bit, heavy with anticipation, the beat gradually growing through the first verse. After the first line of the chorus, it dropped hard into a stretch of classic dubstep. The song repeated that pattern, slow build with samples of the original song and heavy drop, one more time before ending on a synthetic trill.

If Keith didn’t have a predisposed hatred of all things dubstep, he would have liked the song. He clicked into the description expecting another snide comment like last time, but it was empty. He scrolled through the comments and saw nothing there either. He thought that was a bit odd and out of character, but dismissed it because they’d never interacted, so there was no reason for him to know anything about this person’s character or be concerned.

He switched back to his podcast app, pulling one up, and closed his eyes. Before he knew it, the hosts said their outro an hour later and Keith was still very awake. He groaned and rolled over to grab his phone. He debated playing another one, but he didn’t feel anywhere near falling asleep, so he opened Twitter with the hope that some mindless scrolling would do the trick.

The racing in his mind gradually slowed as he went through his feed. He passed a list of recommended users, quickly scrolling back up for a double take. No way, he thought, his mind fully alert again, and clicked on the user profile. Sure enough, there it was. BlueTailor69 had a twitter and it was exactly what could be expected. The profile picture was a black background with Fuck You, Brogaynes in white Comic Sans and the description read, I exist solely to spite Brogaynes. Besides, he started it.

Keith couldn’t fight the disbelieving laugh that bubbled up as he scrolled through his tweets.  They were pretty much all replies to Keith’s tweets, consisting mostly of various snips and jabs at the songs he covered. He looked again at the most recent tweet, linking to his Evanescence cover, his brows furrowing as he read the caption. Had a shitty weekend so cut me some slack. I can still hate you in any headspace though @BrogaynesMusic ;) That must have been why there was no sarcastic commentary on the video.

Before thinking it through, Keith hit the message button and typed out a quick You ok? Once it sent, he realized that that was probably a bad idea. This guy was likely some troll who just enjoyed fucking with people because he had nothing better to do with his life and wasn’t worth Keith’s time to be worried about. Before he could fully second-guess his decision, his phone pinged.

BlueTailor69: ???

Keith stared at the message bubble, just as confused as to why he was messaging this guy as he was.

BrogaynesMusic: You said you had a shitty weekend. Just asking if you were ok

You stalking me now brogaynes? Was ruining Beyoncé not enough for you?

No, you popped up in recommended and I was just trying to be nice. Sorry for caring. Keith huffed indignantly as he typed the message and sent it.

Dude im kidding lol

… oh

Sarcasm doesn’t translate well over messaging lol knew I should have used an emoji To answer your question, not really? I found out some stuff that upset me and then I was a dick about it Still need to apologize for that

I had a bad weekend too if that makes you feel better

You want me to revel in your sadness to cure mine?

No? just trying to sympathize

ik I was kidding again I really gotta use emojis with u dude

leave me alone

you messaged me broski

…fair sorry I shouldn’t have bugged you

Nah youre good man cant sleep anyway

same

we can talk to each other til we fall asleep, how romantic!! Rivals to lovers! They can make a movie about us! I totally ship it

why are you like this

I didn’t get enough attention as a child im sleep depraved and lucid I hate myself and veil my insecurities with humor take your pick

-_-

:D

(－‸ლ)

Oooooooo fancy how u do that??

skill, you scrub

rude

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

That’s it ive decided your emoji game is too fly for me not to be in love w/ you

k?

I just declared my love and all you have to say is k? K?

k?

you bastard to think I ever loved you

are you always this dramatic

I was an attention-starved middle child. I learned fast

Makes sense going to school for acting then? wait, you’re not some creepy 56 year old who preys on people on the internet right??

Lol im a sophomore in college, music production major actually and I bet you really insulted some lonely 56 year old who scours the internet for companionship to fill his empty soul

Just checking

wbu? You’re not some 56 year old who lures people in with his deceptively youthful voice are you?

Nope, college sophomore too

See! That can’t be a coincidence, we were meant to be together!

Youre weird

Thx I try what are you in for?

Performing arts

Imma take a stab and say singing?

Yep

Nice you could go far with that

I thought you hated my music

Subject matter, not quality you have a really good voice

Thx

Youre supposed to say, you too

Fishing much?

I have a fragile ego and no concept of self worth, I need constant validation

Relatable I hate dupstep, but you’re not terrible

That was painful for you to say wasn’t it

A little, not gonna lie

Well Ill take it anyway :) u tired yet

Keith stifled a yawn as he got the last message.

Yeah a little

Im that boring huh

Shut up, you asked

ik lol feel free to sign off if youre ready to sleep

nah im goodigeudjlflllllllll

you feel asleep in your phone didn’t u lol good night dude

#punk goes pop au #klance #klance au #klance fluff #voltron #voltron legendary defender #vld #vld lance #vld keith #fanfic #fan fiction #klance fan fic #writing #my writing #Eliot's creations

[dead-thorin]

everything im gonna write is gonna be concerning but it be like that and its really not concerning

for like months now i haven’t been ok. And like it’s gotten worse with the holidays and ive been so fucking angry and tired lol. like at first i was like its fine its ok, then i was like its the hormones it happens, then its the stress of finals and work but like its really not like i legit just dont want to be alive anymore im really tired of it. Like idk how to convey just how much i dont care anymore to be alive

1) I feel so fucking isolated here like i have friends but a majority of them are cis. And like the trans people i know? most of them on T are non binary which like valid, but they dont get the full extent. And like their families support them lmao and theres one person i could talk to but he doesnt seem to want to socialize much so i always feel awful thinking about hitting him up

and like i feel like my friends dont like me and i know thats not the case but also maybe it is!!! who fucking knows anymore!!!! i dont have time to talk to them bc im so busy at work and then i get home and immediately have to do more work and by the time im free this week theyll be home for break so like!!! fuck i guess!!! i saw one of my friends who i havent been able to see all semester and she said shed hit me up today and she hasnt and i know its cause she and another friend have to study and theyve been busy but in my mind its still “she fucking hates u!!! doesnt matter that she was so excited to see u and would definitely have no qualms in telling u to fuck off she hates u!!!”

2) no one listens to me lol like people listen to me when i rant, which is really helpful and i really appreciate and love that they do that bc emotional labor, but like in groups? i talk and people interrupt or dont hear what i say or disregard it and im like k. OR THEY THINK IM FUCKING JOKING LIKE THIS LEGIT IS SUCH A PROBLEM AND IVE HAD IT HAPPEN WITH SEVERAL PPL AND IDK WHAT TO DO. Like i physically say “im really not joking dont do that” AND THEY STILL THINK IM JOKING

and whenever i talk to people and they give me advice or just listen they do at least one thing. They either mention medicine, which again, valid, but i dont want to go back on medicine right now. But then they fucking push that shit and demand reasons why i dont want to like fuck u i dont have to explain shit to u i just dont want to. And/or it turns into me educating them and im just like great! i managed to do labor in this trying time! nice!

3) I cant talk to my therapist bc shell become concerned lol. i told her how i went to the labor looking for a book about the pros and cons of committing suicide and researched it and i had to talk for 10 minutes afterwards about the steps i was taking to help combat it but like i was legit scared to tell her in case she made me go into inpatient care lmao and this brings me to pt 4

4) theres like nothing here LMAOOOOOOO like no books at either library about stopping suicidal thoughts or helping depression or about family estrangement. I had to order books from different libraries to get something and theres a few that i got from the Libby app but like wtf lmao and theres no events during christmas and every volunteer thing? either i gotta fill out an application and do training which who knows how long thatll take or i need a car. Like there legit isnt anything here i did so much looking lmao like i have my hobbies but that wont make me leave the house

i talked to a professor about this shit too and he understands and stuff and told me to hit him up during break if i feel isolated but like I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY FOR EVEN BREATHING LMAO LIKE WHAT hes got shit to do too and i know he has research going on so like doubt it

5) im gonna die alone at this pt and i know thats mad dramatic and also probably false but im like so conflicted about everything i feel with my gender and dating

like every time i like a man im like wow if i was a girl, this wouldnt be a problem and like being cis has more privileges than being trans but i know last time i dated in the closet it wasnt a good time SO

and every time i like a girl, im like she prob wont see me as a man or will be disappointed in my body or transition

and like no matter who im interested in, the same thought is always “they prob dont see me as a man and will misgender me, even unintentionally” like i know people who dont even know my birth name and have known my pronouns as he/him AND THEY STILL GET IT WRONG LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN DO ANYMORE TATTOO IT ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD 

theres a guy i currently like, whos so sweet like theres one incident that happened that i had me thinking damn.... hope hes into guys and single..... and like its kept me up thinking “oh man hes definitely str8 this fucking sucks if i was a girl i would probably have a shot” but like every time i toy with the idea of detransitioning (not in a serious way, but just like casually thinking of a scenario) my mind physically rejects it and is like “motherfucking do u wanna go back to THOSE shitty feelings??? really??? it was worse before!!” and i will definitely get over this crush, like im just lonely and its cuffing season, but it fucking sucks in the meantime like i feel like i cant date because im too nervous and scared to!!! im so scared they wont think im a man and i know thats not every person but like Jesus its enough that its a good possibility

6) this part is sad but i think i have to stop talking to my sister or at least give her limited info bc shes having her parents contact me through her and im not giving them shit so...

like she just texted asking when id be home and for the millionth time (BC NO ONE LISTENS TO ME) i said i wasnt going home, im never going home, stop asking and i know that its them asking her to ask me and they can honestly fuck themselves

like these are all problems that have solutions and i know the solutions but like im so tired of it lol im tired of having to deal with my family situation, im tired of being ignored and interrupted and not taken serious and having to explain my boundaries over and over and over again, im tired of not being able to talk to people for fear of getting hospitalized or interrupted or pushed onto meds, im tired of not having resources, im so tired of it all. Im so sick of being suicidal and not even being able to get out of bed and having to deal with being depressed and anxious and chronically ill fuck all of it

legitimately had to make a list of shit i could do over break so that i feel like i cant hurt myself until i finish it bc thats how my shit brain works. like i dont want to die but i also just dont want to deal with this anymore and i know itll get better in time but jesus fucking christ its been 8 damn years when does it actually get fully fucking good? its gotten better but more shit keeps coming up like yea i started hormones but now i dont have a fucking family anymore. 

Even if i didnt have this list i wouldnt do it bc 1) i dont want to do that to my closest friend and 2) im helping someone get out of an abusive situation. She has like no support, just one cousin whos there for her, but he doesnt have resources for her. Ive been listening to her and validating her and making sure she knows that a) this is the type of shit abusers do and b) shes not fucking crazy for thinking certain things!!! she really isnt and i get it so much so ive been gently giving her contacts from the beginning to help her and she finally left and is in a really delicate place. So like not exactly the best thing for me to suddenly be gone and id feel terrible if she had no one there for her

anyway this was a long post that can basically be summed up as i really want to fucking kill myself but i wont but also im suffering a lot

#post from the blogger

[gothic-gnosis]

wow. that last post is funny. so, he hasnt texted since tht last post, he did respond but when i sent another photo, he did'nt. ive finally accepted that he just doesnt want me. i bought a fuckin belt to match his, however its a belt that makes sense. especially as both of us r malnourished skinny people.

slipknot reminds me of him. which sucks a lot cause i really like slipknot now. it reminds me of both of them. the thing is. im known for being extremely distant. i keep everybody arms length at all times. it sucks when i really need to talk but its fine. i'm just rlly glad i feel like im god now. ive accpeted that im pretty and that im a fucking weirdo . so thats cool.

i really genuinely enjoy working. everybody really likes me. stylists tip me. i havent been bullied by anybody for how i look so thats cool. i have yet to hear clients complaining about it. i wear platform boots or hello kitty converse. i wear chains and corsets. tripp pants are about to pull up in that bitch. i have a lot of egirl/emo fashion related shit, including homemade ripped fishnets, dog collars. nobody says anything about it. i think it might partly be because everything i wear is polished and flattering. i think the only downfall is my coat. and my stained jeans. and my fading fashion color lol. which ill redo on tuesday, it definitely can be purple and blue LOL.

i really love grimes. shes such a meme but i really love her music. i appreciate it a lot.

i miss him. i really do. i see his car everywhere. without the shitty paint job and torn ass insides. i want his playlist. he tried rlly hard to make me not panic when he drove me home. and then the time he called me and he thought i was asleep when rlly i was crying because he didnt drive me home LMFAO. what a fucking brat i am. although id avoid being alone with him considering he does play with my feelings a lot. and that hurts pretty bad lol. i think i tried really hard to get him to validate me and never got it beyond being ok to talk to and pretty. i miss him though. i miss having a person to obsess over. all i do now is work and smoke weed. like a loser. i just dont wanna see anybody anymore i think. im tired of having my feelings fucked with, honestly. it seems like i trust bad people. judas's mod doesnt even respond to me anymore so. its just you and me. future me reading and the one writing it now. maybe one day this will be all there is to remind myself this time period happened and how i felt. i do feel pretty empty and i am dissociating pretty bad. i wish i had an fp. i miss having a person to make me feel like a person. metallica goes hard.

i think my next tiktok will be me sayin "recording every time i dont feel like a person" with One lol. i love being a metal head. even tho im a goth, my peepee does get hard for metallica. big hard. HUGE. imagine. baby child 6 yr old me listening to my sister fall asleep to orion LOL. funny. i laugh.

anyways. idk. im pretty satisfied rn. im ok with being single. im ok not having an fp but i thought i was more lovable than this. like i thought i was a sexy bitch but then again nobody ever flirts with me. it turns out men actually dont want manic pixie dream girls??? i literally fit the criteria. im very much in the 3D manic pixie dreamgirl category but the thing is, i never open up because the story doesnt need it. i fit a very strict aesthetic, unclear past, fashion color. stable job so i never complain abt actual problems like poverty. liberal and a lil fruity.

i told myself if by 11:11 he hasn't texted me back. and if i see lime green jeeps, id drop him. floating balloons were the sign to keep waiting. i saw some on tiktok but--

not me discovering motley crue LMFAOOO. this is 10/10, my pp hard.

anyways. if he doesnt text me by 11:11 and if i see lime green jeeps, ill move on.

[oakandcirrus]

im so tired guys and i’m sick of shitty california winters and sick of smiling and sick of school its really got to end soon i cant do it anymore there are too many projects and not enough spoons i hate school i hate finals i am so ready to graduate except i don’t have a permit and i need a job and a car and i hate this fucking city idk how anyone moves away its terrifying and i need to get over that fear and i want to be wise and i want to stop feeling like shit all the time and i want to stop feeling like a burden and i want to cry into someone’s shoulder and i honestly dont know how ive made it this long i mean god how fucking stupid was i just deciding no im not going to go to church anymore. like i just decided not to see any of my friends anymore. people ive known since fifth grade. just up and decided to cut out the people who were closest to me just because i felt like i didnt fit in. thats never stopped me before i always weasel my way into friend groups and actually im always the awkward nth wheel and i dont want to have baggage and yeah loneliness is great when youre walking through a forest it’s atmospheric and its solitude and thats a necessary distinction but being alone in a big wide city you hate is totally different my only real friend has enough to deal with and there’s drama within the group that tolerates me and god if i ever actually started speaking with my mouth about any of this it all would come flying out and im just holding everything in and ive been strong for five months and everything in me is raw and sharp and it aches. god it aches and im tired of it and im tired of hoping because it never amounts to anything im angry and im tired and im fucking lonely and thats me dad and id rather die than be like him and i want new friends and i want to stop feeling like my life hasnt actually started yet i want to be content i want to feel all the dust settle and i want to feel like the air outside my lungs is the same air inside i want to just sit in the woods for an entire day come on 10 hours of wandering walking by birds and spotting deer and watching the sunset and settling down for the night and i want being happy to stop feeling unattainable i want hope to stop feeling like a pipe dream im only hanging on because im stubborn as hell and my fucking heart refuses to believe that all hope is lost when it absolutely is because let's face it im never getting out of this shithole town and im never going to be able to get a license or make real friends because there's something so wrong with me i just dont fit anywhere and i cant do anything because it all terrifies me and i hate that i hate it so much i wish driving didnt scare the shit out of me and i wish i could just talk to people i wish my brain would just shut off and i wish someone would fucking hug me i just want to slow down i want to stop moving so fast and nobody wants to slow down with me im slow im steady i need to stay in one place to grow and i need to be uprooted and taken somewhere new and i want a boyfriend so bad its fucking pathetic im going to be writing about romance forever and never actually experiencing it and i want this year to be different i want it to be better i want to start living and i want to make out with someone and i want to stop hurting and i want freedom and i want to get older and wiser and i just feel so trapped my whole family is trapped and unhappy here and my dad has no real friends and is lonely as fuck and my mom hates her job and hates my dad and my sister is getting on my nerves and im running out of patience for it all i was watching hallmark because im fucking sad and she was making a big stink about how wed been watching it for hours and i wanted to snap and tell her that im sick and fucking tired of everything and that im at my breaking point will you please just fucking let me have this but no i kept it in like i always do and what sucks is that even texting someone doesnt really alleviate the emotional burden i just want to talk to someone and have them hug me and feel like everything is going to

be alright

[pokemonfudge]

Why do i always get the shit end? Things are good. Then things are bad. I cant ever catch a fucking break with anything. Like i just feel like things are always one sided. And its always in other peoples favors, never mine. And im tired of it. I cant tell you how many times ive tried to talk things through with people and they just dont fucking get it. And when i finally get fed up, and stand some sort of ground, im the fucking bad guy. Per always. Maybe i really am just that shitty. Maybe i really am just that fucked up. I dont know. I just am so over it. Im so glad i didnt get caught in my last relapse, because when it happens again, and it will, i cant say no one fucking noticed the last time and no one woulda known the first time if it weren't for trust issues, and no one will probably notice the next time around either. But who the FUCK cares anymore?

[hxseok-honee]

Give me a bunch of random ass questions

IM FUCKIN CACKLING YOU AINT WASTING TIME HUH-

galaxy- my mom has always called me Sel, one of my closest friends calls me Iceland, my best friend calls me Dumbass, and recently i have earned Sela from @hoseokbubu my best twt friend

aquarius- languages!! i may be a math major but the one thing i truly love learning about is languages

aquila- tbhhhhh books, like i dont reach as much as i used to but theres so much potential w books. You can get lost in books, but tbh youre kinda stuck w the movie ya feel - i still stand by the fact that each harry potter movie shoulda been like 5 hours long just so all the detail could be covered (ginny deserved better yall)

pisces bc im in a mood rn- he’s the biggest fuckin dork ive ever met in my life. when we met i actually hated him. we were in the same intro lit class, my first day of college. he was wearing these fuckboi ass chinos and a pink (”it’s salmON BITCH”) polo (yes he still owns it, yes i still hate it) , he was the epitome of frat boy. he was rude, he was bratty, he was arrogant. he was a shitty friend. but ive always given people too many chances. i kept him in my life because he was really kind to me when we were alone, he would buy my lunch when i was too broke to go out w him, he would stop at my dorm and check on me when i didnt go to class. he was a good kid. but if his friends were around it was like he didnt know me. he wouldnt look at me, he wouldnt sit near me, he wouldnt acknowledge my existence. eventually i told him i was tired of him and that smth had to change, and he told me. that he was scared of not being cool enough, that he wanted to have a lot of fratty friends bc theres so many of them and he had never really had friends, he wanted people he could always sit with in the dining hall bc he was afraid of being alone. so i stayed. i stayed when his fake ass friends didnt. i stayed when he called me crying in the middle of the night because he was homesick. and then he changed. we ate lunch together every day (publicly! omg shocker), we studied together, we passed our classes together. we were inseparable. still kind of are. when my mental health essentially left me, he was there to chase after it and kept it in place while i worked on loving myself again. when i would disappear for days he was blowing up my roommate’s phone trying to reach me. when i broke down in the middle of the quad after my math professor told me i would never be good enough, he found me and kept me from doing something stupid. he eventually opened up to me and made sure i knew he wasnt going anywhere. he kept me safe, he told me when i was being stupid (every single day), he made sure i ate and dragged me out of the library when he found out i started pulling all-nighters. we finished our first year like that. and then our second year. the exact same way. i had a boyfriend my first year, and when that guy dumped me, i played it off like it was fine and i was okay, but this bitch has always known me and the way i hide myself, so he showed up at my dorm demanding that i come hang out with him for the night. and when that guy showed up again in my life second year trying to act like he still wanted me, this shy ass kid was next to me having a ‘conversation’ with a guy like 4 inches taller than him bc he knew i was upset by it. we facetime every weekend in the summers, and have text threads that make absolutely no fucking sense to anyone else. he knows my parents because i live close to school, and ive become friends with his roommates and have daily “roast our favorite dumbass” sessions with his girlfriend. he’s my favorite egg-headed fuckboi, and he has all my baby pictures for blackmail when i dont do what he says. hes my best friend, hes my “son”, and i will always adore him with all my heart, even if he still has those nasty ass chinos and spends all his money on things he doesnt need because hes a san francisco born and raised boujee bitch. here’s to hoping third year is just as good

OOPS THAT WAS A LOT OKAY BYE THANKS FOR REQUEST