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argumentl · 1 year

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The Freedom of Expression Vol:12 - Again, looking back on 25 years with Gara.

K: Hi, here we are with The Freedom of Expression on our Nico Nico channel. Im Kaoru from Dir en grey.

J: And Im Joe Yokomizo, who has just been for a beer in the Chinese restaurant near the studio.

T: And Im Tasai from Tokyo Sports.

K: And we also have someone who was with us last time, and he just didn't talk enough, so he's here again this time. Its Gara from Merry.

G: Good evening, Im Gara from Merry.

J: The staff have told me you're pretty annoying.

K, T: Haha

G: Not at all!

J: Kaoru, what would you say? In your view, is he annoying?

K: Haha, no, he's not.

J: Gara, I wanted to ask you, were you Dir's first roadie?

G: For the past 20 years, I always thought that I was, but after the show last time, I was in the dressing room, and I got a message from Shinya. He told me the name of the guy who was there before me. So I thought, 'Aghh, there really was someone before me!'. I wonder if that guy actually counts though?

J: Haha, Leader, what do you think? This is quite important.

G: It was only for a short time.

K: Yeah, but it still counts. As soon as I heard it, I thought, 'Oh yeh, of course!!'

G: Kaoru, that means Im the second roadie?

K: Yep, you are the second. I was right after all.

G: I must have forgotten, because I never thought there was someone like that before me.

J: Do you kinda feel like he's stealing your glory a bit now?

G: Yeah, I always thought I was the first.

J: I see, haha. So, from now, your are Dir's second roadie?

G: Yeah, Ive been exposed by Shinya. Im the second roadie.

J: Do you feel a bit like Shinya should have kept quiet about this? haha

G: Yes, I really do.

J: Haha. Yes, well today we are joined by Dir en grey's second roadie, Gara. So, last time you were looking back at Dir en grey's history, from the Indies days, to now, right?

K: Yes.

J: I was unable to join last time due to my work schedule.

K: This is the first time for you to be here when we have a guest, right?

J: Yes, thats right.

K: He always disappears somewhere whenever we've had a guest before.

J: Oh no, not intentionally though. Its purely by chance!

K: It was as if guests would come because you weren't here.

J: Yeh, I've heard that. I don't know about that though. Anyway, today we are gonna be looking back at the indies era in detail. There'll be loads of great stuff to hear, so stay tuned. Please send in your comments too, questions, thoughts, messages of support, anythIng is ok. People using twitter can use the tag TFOE. The first part of this show is free for anyone to watch, but the second part is for channel members only. If you become a member, you can watch this live broadcast in the archives for a year, and you will also be able to access members only videos. Please click the blue link at the top of your screen to joIn, and enjoy this broadcast to the end. Leader was just pointing to it. Dir's second roadie was pointing too, weren't you?

G: Haha, yes...second...I'm quite sad, I tried so hard back then too.

K: Surely, trying hard has nothing to do with whether or not you were first?

J: Maybe you are just slightly envious. Ok, well, as for today, we will have another look at photos from back in the day. (*Indies photo of Kaoru appears on screen*) Here we go, since we are looking closely at the indies era today. How do you feel about this, Leader? Do you recognize this photo?

K: Well, we used this photo last time. Only you wouldn't know that.

J: Oh, I see. I do apologize. Maybe I should stick to the script more.

K: Haha, no no.

J: But anyway, we'll be digging deeper into the Indies era today, but first we have a quiz. Its time for the "Does Kaoru remember?" quiz!!

*applause*

J: Ok, so Dir's second roadie, Gara...

K: Haha, you just want to keep saying that, don't you?

J: Yes, haha.

T: He is the first one in my mind!

J: You are first in your heart, but second in reality. Anyway, Gara has created a quiz for Kaoru about the indies era. So Kaoru, try your best to remember. There are quite a few questions, but we will try to do at least 5. Try to get them all right, Leader.

G: You'll be able to to tell if i really was first, and whether there really is a bond between us from this.

T: Haha

J: Right? We need to look out for that. Ok, Gara, I'll hand over to you.

G: I start from Question 1, right? Ok, Where was the place where I first met the members of Dir en grey? I said last time that the first live show I saw them was at Shinjuku Rock, but this time I'm asking about our first meeting, so its not a live venue.

J: Ok, so Q1 is asking for the place you first met. Leader, you have a sketchbook in front of you to write your answers. For some reason, myself and Tasai also have sketchbooks, although its not likely that we will know the answers...

T: Yeah, we will just try our best.

J: Yes we will. So, Gara, is this with no hints, right?

G: Yeah, the meeting place, this was an important moment.

J: If he doesn't remember this, it could seriously damage your trust in him.

G: Right.

J: Haha, but look at Leader's face! He totally looks like he can't remember. Can we get a camera close up on him? This is important! If you'd never met, we wouldn't be here now.

G: This was earlier than the live.

J: Ah, they want you to get this right in the comments. Gara, you probably spoke about your love towards Dir en grey last time, but this time its all about how far Kaoru's love extends to you. Ok, Tasai, you write something too, make it Tokyo Sportsy if you want.

T: Ahh, its difficult.

G: Kaoru is writing something now.

J: Ah, a comment saying 'Kaoru looks cute when he's thinking'. And 'A forfeit if he gets it wrong!'...'Leader's love is deep!'

G: Its the first meeting, remember.

J: Yeah, the place.

T: By the way, how did you feel when your first met?

G: Well, I'd only ever seen them in magazines before then, so I was nervous, but I still remember introducing myself.

T: Ahh, I wonder where it was...

J: Hmm, ok, Tasai, you show us your answer first.

T: So this was when you were new in Tokyo, right? Ok, here's my answer. 'A bus stop at Tokyo Tower'. Like maybe they decided to meet up here for some reason. Maybe there were just there for some reason.

J: Ahh...Ok, I don't quite understand this, so moving on...haha.

T: Haha

J: No no, you mean, maybe they had planned to go somewhere, so they met up there first?

T: Yeah.

J: Well, the real question is whether Leader remembers. The place he first met Gara. Leader, lets have your answer.

K: The studio in Kōenji.

J, T, G: Ahh.

T: That sounds more like it.

J: Ok, Gara, tell us the answer.

G: The correct answer is, an in-store event at Like An Edison.

K: Don't remember that! Hahaha

J: He doesn't remember!

G: It was an in-store event to coincide with the CD release, so I went and met the members for the first time. Meeting in the studio was after that.

J: Well, he must have been close with this answer, right? If you met for the second time in the studio?

G: Yeah. I have a tonne of memories from that studio too. I saw them making new songs and and stuff there. I used to always drive the equipment truck too back then, but at the time I didn't have my own parking space. They told me to be responsible for truck, even though I didn't have a parking space, so I had to park it on the street in front of my place for about a month.

J: Ahh, I bet you got a tonne of parking tickets.

G: Yes.

J: Ahh, that sounds painful. And despite this you still might be the second roadie! Leader, why did you think the answer was Kōenji?

K: Well, he was just there a lot.

J: It seemed likely to be the place?

K: Yeah.

T: Kaoru, do you remember this in-store event?

K: No, we did a tonne of events like that back then.

J: If any of the viewers were at that event in Like An Edison, please tell us in the comments. I wonder if anyone was? Not that we can give them anything if they were, except say, 'Oh wow!'. Haha. Well, that was question 1. A comment there says, 'A shock for Gara!'

G: He was close though, because I was often in the studio at Kōenji.

K: You were following us, haha.

J: Its like, he was only a little bit wrong.

G: Ok, shall we move on? The next question is this. 'Where was the first region (outside Tokyo) that Gara travelled to as a roadie? And what was the amazingly delicious restaurant where Kaoru took Gara out to eat for the first time?'

K: This is hard! haha

J: The restaurant name.

T: Is this maybe a hint? You told us the region you are from last time, right, Gara?

J: Eh? Where are you from??

T: No no no, don't tell him! haha.

J: Eh, whhhy? Ok, whatever. But we need the region Gara first travelled to as a roadie, and the name of the delicious restaurant where Kaoru first took him out to eat.

T: Joe, you write something first.

J: Its not WHAT you ate, right? Its the name.

G: Yes. If I say what I ate, I think Kaoru will know where it was.

T: Kaoru, do you know?

K: Well, I'm just not sure about the timing as for the region.

T: Its difficult!

J: The restaurant name is tricky too.

G: But its something that everyone has heard of.

J: Oh, so its not lIke an independent, local place, right?

G: Yeah. But back then, it was only...oh, I'll give it away if I say that.

K: Back then it was only..?

T: Ok, lets write our answers. Some comments saying, 'Gara is causing trouble for Kaoru', 'Leader, think!', 'I think I know it'. If you know it, don't tell us!

J: Well, I really have no idea, but this is my answer. For the region, Hokkaido. And the restaurant, Dosanko Ramen. This is what I would eat after a concert, so I thought it could be this.

G: That's a good answer.

J: Thank you. Ok, Leader, your turn.

K: Osaka, and Kamakura (ramen).

G: Oh, that's correct!! That makes me so happy!

*applause*

G: He told me about this incredible ramen, and took me to try it. So my first time trying Kamakura was with Kaoru.

J: Ah, great! You got it right.

G: You remember that?

K: No no, I just used to go there all the time back then!

T: You don't actually remember going with Gara?

K: Well, he said the words, 'Back then it was only...', which reminded me that this place became a national chain a little while later. Haha

J: Ahh, I see.

G: Ahh, I gave it away with the hint.

J: So it wasn't your memory, it was the hint that got you there.

G: Kamakura ramen was totally different from any of the ramen I'd had before then. I didn't realise ramen could be like that.

T: Ahh, yeh, its good, isn't it?

J: Did you go there to finish a night of drinking or something?

G: No, I think Kaoru just took me there.

K: We still couldn't really afford to go out drinking much back then.

J: Ah, financially, right? Eat loads of ramen instead, right?

K: Yeah.

J: Ah, well, we got a correct answer! Shall we move on?

G: Ok, the next question is this. 'What was the first song on which Gara helped during the recording?'

J: This is quite important, right?

G: Yes.

J: This is the first question related to the actual job. Hmm, a song from the indies era?

G: Yes. I was able to see how the recording process worked.

K: I'm trying to think what the timing would be...haha.

J: Hmm, when would it be?

K: Yeah, I mean, within our timeline.

J: Tasai, do you have any idea?

T: Well, hmm, I don't think we talked about this kind of thing last time...I might be wrong.

J: Hold on a sec..Gara, you want him to get this right, yeh?

K: Ahh, I dunno.

J: You just wrote something though!

G: I saw the while process of recording the song with this one.

J: So, you were there watching the whole time?

G: Yeh, from when they started making the song in the Kōenji studio.

K: Well, in that case I think I've got it right.

T: Well, this is kinda vague, but my answer is, 'That song you recorded in an old house somewhere'.

G: Oh, that was Jealous.

T: Yes, Jealous.

J: Ok, Leader?

K: Haven't you written anything?

J: No, I haven't. Haha.

K: Ok, my answer is Ash.

G: Correct!!

*applause*

K: Well, I thought it was likely to be this.

G: Yep, I was there during the recording.

K: For that omnibus album?

G: Yes.

K: Yeah, he said 'which song', so that means it wasn't part of a collection of songs. And if it wasn't a single, then it would have to be this.

G: I remember I went for Tendon with Die.

K, J, T: Hahaha.

J: Is food all you remember?! Haha. So you saw the whole recording process. Do remember making any new discoveries about the secret to Dir en grey's sound?

G: I didn't understand the secret to it at all!

J, T: Haha.

J: But you remember the Tendon.

G: Yeah. Well, it was only one day. From the drums, bass, guitars, and even to the vocals, it was all done in one day.

T: Amazing.

J: Yeah, but with a few hints, Leader got it right.

G: Impressive!

J: Yes, two out of three correct so far. Ok, do we have time for another one?

G: Ok, next question please. 'There was once a mid-summer outdoor event back then, (which I attended as a roadie), but what did Kaoru say to me in the car on the way home, which to this day, I can never forget?' I can give you a small hint, it was a bit of a shock.

J: So it wasn't something moving, or meaningful?

G: No

J: He wasn't commending your abilities or anything?

G: Not at all. My response was more like, 'Ehh? Kaoru, did you really say that??!'

J: It was something a bit shocking?

G: Yes.

K: Did it have some connection with the event?

G: Yeah...this mid-summer outdoor event

K: Ah, I see.

J: That's a hint! Mid-summer, outdoor event. Ahh, there is some interest in the comments too. 'Gara, this quiz is fun' etc.

G: Thank you. Its been 20 years, but these words of Kaoru's have stayed with me. The main hint is probably that it was shocking.

T: Well, since you've been talking about food, Gara, I think its about food, so my answer is, 'I just ate shaved ice, but I hid it from you'.

K: Haha

T: Like in the heat, he ate it all.

J: Ah, like Gara would resent Kaoru for it?

T: Yeah, he'd be shocked.

J: Well, since it was summer, my answer is this. 'Your sweat stinks!' It'd be shocking to be told this, right? Ok, Leader? I wonder if you remember.

K: My answer is this 'What are you doing with us??'

T: Ahh, that would be bad.

K: Well, it was an event, so there might have been some other bands playing that he liked, you know?

J: Ahh, so it wasn't like a solo event.

G: Well, one time Kaoru came over to my place, and I had posters of all sorts of other bands up everywhere, so maybe he wondered what I was doing with Dir?

T: Did any of us get it right?

G: Actually, one of you did! Shall I tell you what he said to me? He said, 'You stink of sweat!'

J: Yeahhh!

K: Hahaha

T: How did you get that??

G: Well Done, Joe.

J: He really said that to you?

G: Yeah, it was the middle of Summer, and I was moving all the equipment around by myself, I worked so hard. Then at the end I got in the car and sat next to Kaoru, and he said, 'Ugh, you stink of sweat!'

K, J, T: Hahaha

G: I was like...I've been working hard for you all day! I've never been able to forget it.

T: Kaoru, do you remember?

K: No..

G: I was pretty young, so it was quite a shock for me.

K: But I vaguely remember him telling me about how I said that to him once.

J: Did you tell him about it?

G: Maybe when we when out drinkIng once, I might have mentioned it. But it really was the most shocking thing to hear from him. I mean, that's how a roadie should be, right?

J: It shows that you've worked hard. If you weren't sweaty, you wouldn't have been doing your job properly.

G: Right? That's how I should be.

J: Its a sign that you did a good job.

G: Yes

T: Someone commented, Kaoru should apologize.

J: Haha

K: I'm sorry.

J: Ahh, an apology from Leader!

G: I feel purified, haha.

J: Ohh, that's good. Ok, next question.

G: Ok, the next question is, 'Which food which Gara hates did Kaoru force him to eat, all in one?' This was a thing when I used to go for drinks with Kaoru, hated foods or stuff like that.

J: Well, you DO stuff like that when you are young, don't you?! I mean, if we don't know what foods you don't like, we are never gonna get this, but Leader probably knows. Its just a matter of choosing the right one.

G: Yeah, this particular food, I still can't even eat it.

J: You can't eat it?

K: Something that can be eaten in one go?

G: Er, we talked about this last time, but he also made me do 'Pistachio all in one' before too.

J: Ugh, that's like hell.

G: I wasn't allowed water, so I just had to keep crunching away until I could swallow.

J: That sounds tough, you cant really swallow it all at once either, can you?

K: Inside your mouth was shredded, wasn't it?

G: Yeah.

J: Ugh, really? Well, viewers, please write in the comments if you have any ideas about this one. Someone just wrote pizza, but its something you still can't eat, right? If its something even an adult can eat, it must be something with quite a distinct taste?

G: Ah! Yes.

T: Ahh, I've already written something.

G: *reading comments* Century egg? Ohh, that would be tough!

J: And expensive!

T: Ok, lets reveal our answers. So, last time Gara said he doesn't like chicken much, and I thought if he's done 'pistachio all in one', maybe he might have done this too, 'Fried chicken cartilage all in one'

J: Ah I see. Well, my answer is this. 'Goya' (bitter melon). A lot of people hate this, and it tastes very distinct. Ok, Leader?

K: Haha, I don't even remember, but..'Pickles'.

J: Gara, are any of us correct?

G: One of you is close.

J: Ohh, ok, tell us the answer.

G: The correct answer is, Okinawan pickled onions (島らっきょう). So 'pickles' is nearly right.

K: Goya is kinda there too, haha! (*Goya is an Okinawan vegetable*) Ahh, pickled onions, I think I kinda remember this now.

T: Like, how did that work?

G: Well, all the onions were in the bowl, and I had to put them all in my mouth at once, and swallow them without a drink.

J: Ahh, the things you got up too.

G: I can still remember the disgusting aftertaste.

K: The taste lingers, right?

G: Yeah.

J: Ahh, is that the time already? Did we do 4 questions?...5? We did 5. How many did Leader get right? 2?

T: 2.5, right? With 'pickles'

J: Ah, ok, yes. 2 correct answers, and 1 good try. Half correct. What do you think Gara?

G: Yeah, I think he remembers a lot, since he was close with that last one. If this were baseball, he would be (*baseball reference, I dunno*)

J, K, T: Yeah, haha.

G: It was a good result.

J: Ok, Leader, 5 questions about the indies era from Gara. What did you think?

K: I don't remember anything.

J, T, G: Hahaha

K: I just worked out the answers from the hints. I don't actually remember.

G: We were close though, we we working together practically every day.

K: But it was only one year out of 25, haha.

J: Well, yeah...

G: Maybe that's the fate of being the second roadie...haha.

J: Ok, we're going to have to finish the first part of the show, but we'll learn more about Kaoru in the second half. We'll continue talking about Kaoru and Gara's history, so please become a channel member to see that. I'll just let you know how you can do that. The second half of the show is for members only, so you need to be a channel member if you want to see it. If you join, you can watch this broadcast in the archives for a whole year, and we also have members only videos, where we challenge ourselves to all sorts of things, so you can enjoy those too. Ok, how to join. Its very simple. There is a blue link at the top of your screen. Kaoru is pointing now. Click this link, and you will get a screen asking you to choose your payment method. Choose your method and click proceed. Then you can enter your payment details, and you're done. If you haven't yet joined, please do, and enjoy the rest of the show. Ok, now, some news from Gara?

G: Yes, thanks. Uh, on Dec 25th Merry will hold our 'Very Merry Xmas' event at Shinagawa Club eX where we will show the history of Merry (*etc*).

J: Ok, thank you. Leader?

K: Hm, was there something? Ah, well, we are mid-tour now. We still have Sapporo, Sendai, Nagoya, Osaka, Osaka. And then an extra date on Dec 16th at Shinjuku Blaze. Uhh, I think there are quite a few venues with tickets still available, so people can definitely come by on the day and check it out.

J: I saw you at Zepp Haneda recently, but I'd love to see you in one of the other regions if my schedule allows it.

K: Please do.

J: Ok, a quick break here while we change over, but channel members hang tight. Lets continue The Freedom of Expression in the second half!

#the freedom of expression #translation #薫 #dir en grey #メリー #ガラ #Gara

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the-100th-witch · 4 months

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so we're going through the process of preparing for moving and we have time but better now than later right?

blugh blugh blugh

(long)

but my mom's a hoarder so she's going manic and yea the stress and all that but like...she's making it a bigger deal than it really is.

She has expired food (that i went through and threw out she was ok with that bc again...expired food) and now she's going through the bathrooms and im pretty damn sure many of her shit is expired in there also. The closets are gonna be a nightmare bc she hoards clothes.

i moved back july 2022 after my friends and i moved out of our apartment and i was coming back to my home town bc of my job (which i am thankful i was living in my mom's place bc early 2023 i was laid off...) but basically yea it was a fight to carve a space for me bc i was moved out for 3 years and holy shit. i would visit and sleep here every so often but yea...

luckily i dont have much on my end (compared when i lived here like...pre moving out 2020 bc i got rid of a lot of things before my move then) but like it's hard to focus on getting my life prepared and on track with all this going on.

im already behind on my goals for January and yea i know thats on me but it's really hard to focus on myself or keep to my habits/begin new habits when my mom is so explosive. Already 2 times today she had mini-freak outs bc she was "missing" something (they were moved and in sight but she get's so frazzled that she just runs around like a chicken with her head cut off). I'm gonna have to just...go somewhere else during the day to get my shit done.

like i know i need to help and i do but i also dont like getting yelled at and listen im not a child anymore. I understand i dont have to live here and im working on that but damn dude...

the estimated time of the house being hopefully done is june/july 2024 (it has to be built) and my goal is to hopefully be moved out by then (and if not by summer 2024 at least some time in 2024) but allowing my mom (and sister) to monopolize my time (and emotional energy from my mom) is gonna really mess me up. Again i know i need to just make boundaries and be disciplined and try not to let other's emotions dictate my emotions and energy but that's what i was trying to start...this fucking year lmao maybe this is a test given by the universe? who the fuck knows.

tomorrow im gonna wake up early and clear out my bathroom (they have to take pictures for insurance or something) so im gonna get that done early in an hour so i can wrap that up and just get the fuck outta the house for the day. Wednesday my sister is taking the day off and helping with the kids stuff here and im deciding if i wanna stay and help or just fuck off. Like the kids stuff wont take long but i think my mom might lose her mind bc in her mind she thinks she needs that (she doesnt the kids are grown and a lot of it has been just sitting). I dont want bail on my sister but im dealing with my mother after the "clean outs" and it's been fucking draining. All day ive been anxious and tired from the clean out of the garage. I havent been sleeping bc of the anxiety (staying up until 2am) and every time i walk out of my room mom comes at me with more anxiety (which i get but im not in the mental place to take on HER anxiety and deal with mine).

i just feel like this all happened all at once and again, better to get it over with than later when the house is ready and they need to sell this house blah blah but damn dude. I was just coming out of a very dark month back in December and i was finally feeling hopeful to start January 2024 and it's hard not to feel like i fumbled it already (it's the third week of January and i got some stuff done but not really) and im allowing myself some grace but it's hard.

#personal #kinda of a rant but more of just getting it out #im tired and achy i hope i sleep tonight...#at the end of the day i need to be more disciplined and not let others sap my energy and take my time but it's hard esp as a people pleaser #im not giving up so if january ends up being a test month thats just how it is it's not over yet #im going bed night!

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yb-cringe · 1 year

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for the ask game, 👽,💝, 🫂, and 😭 for witchcraft scott! He is The Blorbo <3

WOO you got it boss! o7

(💝) a hc about their love language:

i think ive done this one before? gift giving- definitely gift giving and words of affirmation. milo knew that man like the back of his hand and that letter was nothing but gifts and lovey dovey words.

(👽) a hc about a weird quirk of theirs

idk if this counts as a Quirk exactly but i think he’s just frigid cold all the time. hes cold as a corpse, yknow? alternatively; I think he maybe talks to zombies like they’re people. he knows theyre not cognizant rly and cant respond but to him its like talking to pets or plants- just a bit more grim. its more weird to see then to experience

(🫂) a friendship hc

OUGH. ELOISE AND SCOTT MAN. i hate slinging the words sibling coded around but christ almighty. these two are sibling coded because scott will like curse her and she’ll be like ok fine but also fuckyou and hit him for it

and they’ll laugh but the second she’s like ok olease stop like legitimately he does it right away. theyre assholes to each other but in that ‘only im allowed to be like this to you’ way.

does that make sense? this isnt even a hc im just rambling they both thjnk theyre protecting the other from something is what i mean

(😭) a hc about the worst thing that happened to them.

you knew what you were doing here huh. okay. well i think milo and scott had a dream house, but since its always ‘what we wouldve had’ instead of ‘what we had’ i think the two of them were living Rough somewhere, working hard for a better future. and in trying to get them both enough money to make it, milo ends up in some deep shit and gets killed.

because he dies to some Not Legal shit, he doesn’t get an official grave. they dont wven tell him what they did with the body or the ashes. just that he’s gone. and its so terribly, awfully, unfair that they never got any happiness after so long trying that scott literally starts doing the same shit milo was (breaking into places, stealing, lying, etc) to force the world to give them a happy ending instead

#asks #ask game

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taetaespeaches · 2 years

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look at this bible and i haven't watch festa LMAO

ill do it tonight and ill share my updated report tomorrow

this could be not so well written, bear with me, there is a lot in my mind

and now we're looking into the definition of "hiatus", mistranslated or not lmao here it is

SO i was thinking this in the morning when i was driving, (listening to proof with intensity i gotta say)

they are people, each of them are even very different from each other

people who found a family while looking for their future, for a career they love, something that it's in their veins and their hard work, looking out for the same dream

people who bled, fell and got up for it countless of times

suddenly one day their dream found a way to get to us as fans, we surely are connected, yes

they owe us as much as we owe them

but we cannot expect them to live only to us and for us

and i know i don't speak only for myself when i say that i can feel their gratitude to us, //sadly a lot of it we see it in their worry for us to understand how much they love us//

we feel it in every song, every message they sent it has found somebody who needed it, every time without fail

i am not good at all at expressing myself at all, GOD i am the worst, it takes me a long time to find out what im feeling, what im thinking even, what i want to do or say its a whole hard process for me, and it has got me in some messes :)

then they come here and i can feel that they don't need me to be right every time, that i dont have to listen any judgement about it, that i can just feel, be myself, 'cause ill be just fine

i love army community, i love i can wear my bts hat and a girl came to me really excited to say I LOVE YOUR HAT! i love that, i love her, i love army, i love we can share this love with each other, yall are adopted as besties from the start, and we're in this army shit for life

bts formed an army that is right here right this moment thinking, worrying about them

but actually we as army are for each other as bangtan boys are for each other, and then bangtan and army are for each other

i don't want to talk about the comparisons to 1d but at least from my experience all i have to say is something ive been thinking ever since bts came into my life

"it's so different"

not only them and their story

but me, im different,

and let me tell you something, im sad, yes i am, it's fucking scary guys, it really is, i know

but im also so so fucking thankful

the evolution my life went through welcomed bts with an open heart and im gratefull

ive never been the fan who stays up late to catch up, to spend every penny i have on merch, i can't be pending on every announcement, on every selfie, tweet or candid leaks

it was just two years ago i finally learned the names, couple months ago i heard old songs i didn't know existed lmao, everyday i see something i didn't know before

and God, two years is really not enough to catch up with 7 energetic amazingly talented passionate boys that already had 7/8 years of history its crazy

were we so spoiled getting something new everyday we are scared of not knowing it all lol,

but guys it's ok, it's really ok, im sure its not a step down, its not a step backwards, its a "hold on" we're going somewhere just hold on, yes we're good right here, but we have to go better

bc the next comeback doesn't have to be higher in a shocking show business fantasy circus way, anything new it's gonna have soul and truth and different energy bc its necessary, processes are necessary

we're invaluable we have to take care of our own and we can because

these bulletproof boys made a bulletproof army

we can take it

i love you liv, i love whoever reads this ♥

Perfectly said, my love! I don't have much to add, but thank you for sharing this <3 I agree that we can't expect them to live for only us and anyone who is expecting that needs to go take a break from all of this and figure some shit out lol. I'm just very grateful for all they've done for us over the years, and also that they used festa as an opportunity to talk to us like they did. They could have had the company announce something and left it at that, or they could have even had the company announce it before festa where they would then elaborate. But instead they told us during festa so they could be the ones who told us and explain their reasons why they're making this decision. It's just very cool and speaks volumes to the relationship bts and army share.

Simply put, we're in this bangtan shit for life <3 and I love you too, lydia!

#stainofpaint #asks #lydia🤟#they love us as much as we love them and that's always been the super cool thing about this whole bangtan thing #i love when the feelings are reciprocated <3

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nutzworth · 2 months

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heres a little my thoughts on the dirkjake of the modern day

as is apparent the dirkjake scene is preoccupied with cannibal violence evil dirkjake. its evil dirkjake all the way down but this era is VIOLENT. its blood and guts and viscera. this was spawned by respected tumblr user borzoi who i also respect and admire a lot.

HOWEVER. on instagram my wonderful mutual was like I dont really like the cannibal dirkjake goings on. and i respect and admire my mutual a lot too is the thing. unnamed cus i dont want even a semblance of threat of discourse between users (even though i know both parties would NOT engage in such a thing).

ANYWAY: my thoughts? before i knew about cannibal dirkjake i was a big fan of dirk being the worst freak ever and jake being hesitant or careful. something about it speaks to me. it speaks to how overwhelming dirk is, how much jake is a people pleaser even if he personally doesnt want to do something. i dont think jake deep down would WANT to do violence to dirk the guy he loves. i think dirk would want jake to do violence to him though because it feeds his self loathing. and thats subconscious for him but i think in a corner of his mind he knows it, but it just fuels it more and its so addicting. this is to say; dirk wants jake to cannibalize him, and jake is like Um. haha. What? Um. You want that? Really? Wont it hurt?

and of course i could be wildly misreading jake as a character. but you know whos to say. the thing about jake is that he could go any which way postcanon because he built up all these pretenses and now theyre all crumbling (i read this somewhere... dont remember where. maybe tomatograter.) . ive read fics obviously where jake wants to kill hurt maim dirk and dirks cool with it (even playing a little hard to get. tsundere if you will) (SORRY.) but like... they all displayed jake as this villain or monster which he CAN be but ugh. ugh. REAL jake english? real postcanon jake english?

perhaps its that hes as i believed him at the beginning of postcanon. up through epilogues and hs2. i think it would take him millenia to get over himself. i think lord jake english or ultimate jake would totally kill murder maim. i dont think regular jake would. i think thats where i am right now

since im on a roll: i definitely think dirk would want to get eaten or killed by his lover cus of aforementioned reasons. i think he would feel so terribly bad about cannibalizing his partner or even killing them, especially if its jake. hes so CAREFUL around jake is the thing. hes afraid he will be too much again. but he cant keep being careful thats not who he is. i think dirk thinks killing his lover is a selfish move on his part and he doesnt want to be like, too much, so hes like The best way to do this. Is to do it on Jakes call. and so jake has to be the one to eat him.

though in a scenario where they are killing each other theyd be fighting mutually already... i dont know. i guess i have a hard time picturing them fighting in general it doesnt interest me much. im a sucker for passive aggressiveness and unspoken signs and miscommunication and SILENCE. its what im accustomed to. and assuming the two of them live in perhaps the same place, theres just this unspoken weird gap between them neither can cross, its hard to believe either can kill or cannibalize the other. UNLESS dirk confronts jake like I want this. Kill me please jake. You have to decapitate me. in which case it will be awkward and weird and i spoke about this.

what the hell am i on about? thats my thoughts on the cannibalistic dirkjake sitch. I know theyre crazy i just... i dont know... its my thoughts... i have a lot of thoughts about dirkjake ok.

#me #homestuck #jesus i need to tag them dont i.#dirk strider #jake english #gross. i hate being places #sorry if this is incoherent or anything. im not saying any of this is cold hard truth this is so my opinion #this is what im doing instead of meaningful dirkjake week anything i guess #sigh. such is the way of the world

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justcallmedust · 3 months

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Came home from work last night in a good mood. Husband was actually cooking something. I was upset at having to clean up so much before I could actually eat and he got angry with me about it. And as usual it ended with him telling me to leave and expressing hatred toward me.

He claims I came in the house and was screaming at everyone and being a bitch to him. But I came in to a disaster, him drunk and blasting music and I wasn’t screaming. I hugged and kissed him and gave the kids crap I brought home for them. I went to make myself a plate of food and every bit of counter space was taken up by dirty things.. I had to set my food aside and clean quite a bit before I could eat. He got angry with me for being upset about cleaning.. because he ‘tried to get the kids to clean up’. I don’t really know what that means. I finally ate my food.. head pounding from the music.. I put my earbuds in with a podcast to try and drown out the noise and continued to clean. My knee was screaming so I sat on the couch and crocheted for a few minutes, just to rest my knee. Then I got up and was continuing to clean and I could hear not only his music blasting over my podcast, but him running his mouth too and I decided to take out my earbuds because it was just too much noise and as I did I hear him say ‘what the fuck is your problem?’ To which I responded, that I worked all day and had to come home and continue working. I said the music was loud and I had a headache and there was still a decent amount of cleaning to do. He said something like ‘you don’t have to be here’ and ‘you know where the door is’. And I said fine you don’t want me here I won’t bother cleaning and Ill try to find somewhere to go. And I stopped what I was doing and just sat on the couch. He just kept yelling at me, the usual stuff.. oh I wasn’t working and didn’t clean well enough and of course I constantly left dishes in the sink for weeks at a time and I said I didn’t feel well which can’t ever be valid because I say it too much and on and on about how much I suck.

And I know he will just run to someone else because that seems like it has always been his default. Ive never been enough. I don’t know how to heal from this and I can’t take another week of him ignoring me because I was upset for a valid reason.

As he left this morning I was told to never speak to him again because I asked if he meant the awful things he said. I guess I shouldn’t have tried to talk to him.. if just seemed to stupid and I just wanted to be hugging him.

I still have no options to leave. No life to live here. I feel like I got taken up in a tornado and put down in the wrong place.

I don’t understand how someone can so easily discard a person that has given up their life for them. I don’t have any more to give. I want to make him happy but he hates me so much that I never will. I keep trying to talk and have a serious conversation with him, but we are never alone and it never feels like the right time.. I just know he will get angry if I bring up anything serious.

I don’t even know how to act anymore. I’m not allowed to be angry or upset or not feel well.. none of it is ever valid.

I don’t know where I belong.

I wanted to belong to him. I just want to feel loved. I don’t want to be tough or strong, the hurt won’t go away. I want to be held and told I will just be loved and that it’s ok if I make mistakes and it’s ok if I’m upset or sick, that my feelings are valid and I don’t have to get yelled at for having them. I want to be able to express myself without fear of being discarded or replaced over anything. I want a home and a place to feel comfort.

I don’t want to cry myself to sleep every night on the couch wondering how long it will be before I’m loved again.

It’s so hard to want to keep living. It would be so easy to just stop.

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werewolf-femboy-maid · 3 months

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there's only so much more of this insanity I can take. every fucking weekend. its always something. I just want to die. I don't want this anymore. the professors think I have all weekend. that my home life is stable and predictable. im not trying to be a whiny bitch that says aaaah I have no time. but I cant say I have all the advantages either. I don't even remember to drink water half the time. im barely alive. I struggle every day to find joy in anything. and it's never. ever. enough.

ever fucking. weekend.

I always say oooooh im gonna have a productive weekend

IT NEVEER HAPPENS. fuck I wish I had a car and just one place to live at instead of goin back and forth im so fucking tired of this chaos I think I have to move in somewhere permanently and have a swirly chair or im going to kill myself

...hhhhh....

whatever this happens every time. its not really college if there's no chaos. these bitches don't know me or what ive been through. they don't know shit. its none of their business how well im doing in class. its mine.

so im getting back to it.

I love y'all and im trying to love myself it hurts so much every time there is a minor inconvenience like slowly decaying because I smoke so much because everything is so stressful and I sleep less because nothing gets FUCKING DONE on the weekend ds and I have caffeine a lot and basically im gonna die of. heart attack and I also eat salty food a lot so yeah heart attack lets goo

:"((((((((((

im really trying, my bf doesn't think im trying but im really trying im hanging by a fucking thread these teachers don't realize how close I am to finally leaving this place my classmates do not realize how close I am or maybe they do and they rightfully don't care. im completely delusional I HATE ALLNIGHTERS I TRIED TO LIEK THEM BUT MY MOOD BECOMES DEMONIC I HATE ITTT

fuck everything its no use getting mad. of course its not fair, but getting mad isn't gonna make it more fair :"(

I desperately need sleep but since I cant have that right now I;ll work hard so maybe I can ... idk if I can have a nap before school I have less than 3 hours basically

im gonna kms at this rate food is genuinely the only thing keeping me here and maybe the dream of living with my bf on the farm with no stress ever again

I hate stress so much I have to get better at managing this because im literally going to die if I keep stressing so much relaxing is so fucking hard.

ok im actually gonna go back to work I just needed to go on a delusional rant to retain some sense of sanity

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yamazakisagaru · 2 years

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buhhhhh late night drabble wip that idk where to put in my fic but want instant gratification <:y

stuck alone somewhere

lee massaging and stretching his body aches. gaara asks if he does this frequently. lee says he used to do it multiple times a day when it was fresh but tsunades healing is incredible so its only abt once a month when the pain flares up. gaara watches him intently while he works

l "is smth wrong?"

g "...how can you be ok w this?"

"with what?"

"the pain. having it come out at random. arent you annoyed by it?"

"i was at first, but i have grown to accept that it will just be a part of my life for as long as I live as there is nothing anyone can do."

"i know you said you dont hold grudges...but how is that possible? i still hold deep anger and resentment towards those who have caused me pain in the past even though they are all dead."

"you can still be hurt even if the person who hurt you is no longer in your life. pain has no set expiration date."

"then how were /you/ able to see past it? i don't understand how you're so calm about this. if i were you, id still be furious at me for crushing your arm and leg."

"but you are not me and i am not you. i am able to let go of the anger because it is how i, with the life i live, am able to survive thus far."

"and where does that anger go?"

"it goes away when i am able to pick myself up and show my adversaries that i am stronger than who they think i am."

"you live out of spite."

"i live to prove myself and to prove others that, excuse my language, i am worth a damn."

"so out of spite."

"...i suppose one could see it that way, yes."

"which means... you must live with so much anger inside of you, just to keep proving yourself..."

"...i would say that i am able to transform that anger into youth! into drive and purpose!"

"isn't it tiring, though? to have to keep proving yourself?"

"but, gaara... is that not what life is? to better oneself every day?"

"yes, that is a noble goal that even one that i strive for every day for myself... but i must admit that trying to be a better person with every action is exhausting. sometimes i... sometimes i secretly wish to stop being the kazekage for a day just to go out into the middle of the desert and destroy everything in my sight. the only reason i don't is through self-care and therapy. but you've seen me frustrated before, yet ive never seen /you/ resent anything given to you."

"that is untrue! you have seen me angry multiple times in the past!"

"angry, yes, but never resentful. i have a hard time believing you truly don't resent the people who have wronged you anymore."

"...gaara, this... is sounding to me like you are trying to say something that i am not capable of reading between the lines, is it not?"

"...how were you able to forgive me when I'd never apologized for almost killing you?"

"that is because... because i do not expect you--or anyone--to apologize. life does not work like that."

"what do you mean?"

"i mean... people apologize through their actions. you, gaara, became a better person."

"yes, but not for you. i did not become a better person for you but for my own self. i did not, and still have not, apologized to you, whether through words nor actions."

"that is untrue! i see you regret so much of the actions of your younger self every day."

"i regret what i did but i never apologized for it. i never asked your forgiveness because i don't deserve it, yet you've still moved on... but have you really?"

"of course i have! does it seem like i have not?"

"no, you've moved on... but it's more like you've decided to forget, rather than forgive. because forgetting is easier when no one has ever asked for your forgiveness before, am i wrong?"

"pardon me but i do not need your apology nor anyone else's. i am okay without it...forgetting and forgiving are the same in my eyes."

"lee... you are hurt so much more than I'd ever thought."

lee's hands clench. "...do you pity me?"

"no," gaara takes lee's hands into his own, "i worry for you. im /scared/ for you. one day you will crash from the exhaustion of trying to push your anger and resentment away and...i apologize for being one of the causes. im sorry i hurt you in the past and im sorry for prolonging that pain by never apologizing through all these years. i am not asking for your forgiveness because i dont deserve it but i am asking for your permission to let me heal whatever hurt there is left."

lee smiles and hugs gaara.

#gaalee #hi this is thanh requirings im just on my anime side

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wizisbored · 2 years

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WIAT WIAT- show these sketches pls I’m interested.

ok gang its Dragon Time. i will say that though this is a dragon au only beej and lydia are actually dragons. lydia ive mostly based off that image you sent and will probably cement the design im going to use later, beetlejuice i have a few ideas of roughly what he'll look like but i need to put some more work into designing him

anyway,

an explaination:

in this universe i just made up, dormestic dragons are kinda similar to horses in that theyre not very common pets (and are mostly owned by people with a good amount of disposable income) and have specific and sometimes complex care and training needs. there are also feral dragons, though theyre not particularly common either. dragons raised around humans can develop quite good language comprehension, though they dont have the vocal chords to mimic speech.

so onto the plot, which i realise is in a similar vein to a few of my other beetlejuice aus, but i am nothing if not a guy who will unashamedly tell the same story over and over a little to the left :)

emily deetz always loved dragons, and always wanted to raise one from an egg herself. a few years before her health took a turn for the worse her husband bought her a dragon egg, and she named the hatchling lydia and proceeded to absolutely dote on the little creature and put a lot of time and care into ensuring shes looked after and trained well. charles always listened to her talk about lydia and would admire the dragon but mostly from a distance, he was never much of an animal man.

lydia's breed will grow to around the size of a horse, but when emily passes away shes somewhere between the size of a cat and a medium dog and living in the house. charles promised to take over caring for her and tried to use emilys notes and care guides, but hes just not really that great at it. he doesnt have time, he forgets things, its hard to spend so much time around something emily loved so much while hes grieving. and then when he gets into a new relationship, the dragon hates her. all of this makes lydia generally grumpy and aloof, which doesnt help, but charles made a promise and intends to stick with it.

lydia first meets beetlejuice when shes sitting tethered to a perch in the garden. charles doesnt realise that she actually learnt to unclip that particular tether before she could fly, but shes happy enough just chilling on her perch so she doesnt bother. beetlejuice is a feral dragon roughly the size of a pony, and she watches him rather clumsily half-fly, half climb over the garden fence. she obviously asks him what the hell hes doing there (scavenging) and they get to talking. he teases her for having a human's name and being a pet. shes never met a feral dragon before so she unhitches herself from the perch to hop down and get a closer look. hes baffled, asks her why the hell she hasnt escaped by now if she knows how to do that and if her wings have been clipped, and she says she has to stay so she can get food and shelter. he basically laughs at her for that. she has no loyalty to charles but had never considered running away, and with beetlejuice going on about how much better life is as a feral dragon she decides that maybe its not so much of a bad idea and declares that she is now feral, beetlejuice laughs at her again but lets her tag along with him, and suggests they fly somewhere new to avoid her being found.

where ive got up to is them meeting the maitlands - a couple who looked out of the window one morning to see a large scruffy dragon drinking out of their birdbath, and another little one who has knocked down their bird feeder and is now snacking on sunflower seeds. but they notice that the little one is wearing a headcollar, which means 2 things - shes domestic, and someone needs to get that headcollar off her before she grows too much and it cuts into her. and so begins their quest to befriend those feral dragons that keep going through the neighbourhood's bins

#dont have a name for this so im just going to tag it #uh oh new au (dragons)#i dont know if i will write this one since ive just got so many going on but it sure is fun to think about #dragon au

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theycallmebun · 3 years

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breather

summary: the reader has been having a rough time because of school but hinata helps remind them to take a break.

pairing:hinata x gender neutral! reader

genre: hurt to comfort.

wc:1521

warnings: depictions of depression, overworking, exhaustion[lmk if i missed any!]

a/n: i was feeling a little down earlier bc ive been struggling with school so i wanted to write this.

as school gets harder and the deadlines all mush together, you slowly start losing yourself again. that all familiar feeling of disconnected-ness and just feeling so so far from everyone. they’re so out-of-reach. you hate how you’ve grown so used to it from before, but it’s always unsettling when it washes over you again.

you start responding less, whether it be over text or if someone’s actually trying to have a conversation with you, it gets so hard. having to come up with a response to everything. ‘how did i even do this before?’ you always questioned yourself. you found your temper getting shorter, too. ‘since when did people start talking to me so much?’, ‘why are people so nosy?’, ‘what’s it to them?’

you were grateful at how almost no one noticed, though. but if they did notice, they didn’t say anything. ‘yeah, they’re probably all used to it,’ but were you really fine with it? i mean, yeah, it was nice having time with yourself and being alone but are you sure you’re not just convincing yourself for the future? you know, preparing for being alone, the whole independence gig. hyper independence, in fact.

over the week, you were glad to have homework to drown yourself in, an excuse to stay in and be alone. over the weekend, it was the same work you were drowning in over the week but you wouldn’t leave it alone, no. you had to do it all. keep yourself busy and hard-working. when the work was done, you slept- never enough, though- and ate, but that’s as far as it went.

you weren’t there to see it, but everyone was actually quite worried for you. your siblings, your parents, your friends at the karasuno vbc were all so so worried for you. especially hinata. you’ve only known each other a short while but he was so scared for you. would you stay like this forever? he couldn’t help but think so. he didn’t want to lose you. you who made him smile everyday, you who helped tutor him, you who didn’t mind setting a ball to him, you were always so patient with him. but now it was you, who was too busy to talk, too busy to tutor, too busy doing this and that and this and that.

he respected that you couldn’t hang out or tutor, but not even a mere conversation? he didn’t get it. he thought you hated him or something. so hinata wanted to settle this.

one weekend that had felt like all the others, hinata came over around two o’clock. he came with a bag full of some snacks and drinks. your mom was the one who let him in, she was a little surprised anyone would come visit you in the state you’re in.

“oh, shoyo, y/n is in their room. just be a little weary, ok?” she tells him. to which he nods in response.

he walks up to your door and knocks. nothing. he knocks again. nothing.

“y/n, it’s shoyo, i’m coming in,” he says before he opens the door.

when he opens the door, he’s surprised by the sight of you sleeping peacefully on your bed. you’re even wearing the sweater he let you keep. he smiles seeing you so at peace for once. after he’s taken a minute to look at you, he moves to go put the bag of goods somewhere. when he gets the chance to look at your room, you’ve got multiple piles of books stacked mile high on your desk. then, there’s more stacks, but it’s paper, finished, unfinished, and graded assignments litter your desk. your trash can is overflowing, your laundry is long overdue, and he hears you phone and computer going off the charts with reminders and emails.

hinata frowns at the state you’ve been living in. he can picture you moving around in this room, going half insane because of all these things you need to do. he returns to your side on the bed. at first he’d questioned why you were sleeping in the middle of the day but he can see the exhaustion on your face when he moves the stray strands of hair from your frame. you sunk into the feeling of his hand on your cheek and he smiled a little.

from feeling the dip in your bed, to someone stroking your face, your stir a little before you slightly open your eyes. your vision isn’t even clear yet but you know it’s hinata. you can tell from the calluses on the hand touching your face and the blob of orange sitting in front of you.

“sho? what’re you doing here?” you say groggily.

“just checking up on you,” he answers.

“but i saw you at school, like, yesterday,” you tell him.

“yeah, i saw you, but we haven’t spoken in nearly two weeks,” he tells you.

‘ugh,’ is what you’re thinking.

you remove hinata’s hand from your face and get up and out of bed.

“i don’t have time for this, shoyo,” you say as you plant yourself in your desk chair and start flipping through papers, completely ignoring the bag from the convenience store.

hinata’s frown is back on his face as he stares at your back. it’s really hard for him to not think you hate him, right now. he sits quietly for a couple minutes, thinking about what he could do to get you out of this.

he stays sitting on your bed and says, “y/n, won’t you come outside with me?”

“no,” you respond.

but he already knew that, so he picked you up and threw you over his shoulders.

“shoyo! what are you doing?! put me down!” you thrashed, kicking your legs and swinging your arms.

“no, i’m helping you,” he says, grabbing the bag and then heading out the door.

after a couple minutes, he sets you down on a blanket on some patch of grass in your backyard. as soon as he puts you down, you shoot up and try making a run for your room.

“nope!” hinata says as he tackles you back down, “we’re going to hang out here for a little while. you’re not going to think about homework, or projects, or exams, you are going to take a breather.”

“shoyo! i really can’t. i have a really big-”

“nope, i said we’re not even going to think about that stuff,” he interrupts.

you give up and just lay there with him on top of you.

you pick up on the crisp air, the blue sky with only a few clouds, the leaves falling off trees as the transition into winter starts, the warmth of hinata. suddenly, he didn’t feel so far anymore. your heart beat slows down a little, your chest feels lighter, and it feels like you’re breathing, living.

you move to sit up so hinata gets off of you. you look at him in the eyes and he gives you the sweetest smile you’ll swear you ever saw.

now, you dont exactly know why but you just start crying. not a sob or a wail, but just a slow and steady stream of tears coming down your face. you remain quiet. hinata looks at you, knowingly, and you drop your head on his shoulder. you feel bad for wetting his sweater and try to move but he keeps you there.

“it’s alright, y/n. just stay there,” he whispers in your ear.

hinata is just so comforting and soft and so good to you. your eyes water more as you think about all the time you’ve spent ignoring everyone, ignoring him, and being mad and tired and bothered. all that time wasted. all that time hurting but just hurting others. you think about how you still have hinata despite all of that.

you bring your arms up to wrap around hinata’s neck. and then the sobbing starts. you apologize for being so cold to him, you tell him what’s been on your mind, and you tell him you love him because he deserves it. he needs it.

hinata just sits there, hugging you back because now you’re on top of him, listening, understanding. when he hears you say you love him, he melts into you, getting impossibly closer because you don’t hate him. he tells you he loves you back. he tells you to take a breather every now and then, he tells you not to overwork yourself or else he’ll break into your house and bring you outside like this again.

when you move to look at him, he gives you that sweetest smile again. and it makes you smile. that thousand dollar smile hinata would do anything to see everyday. he moves his hands to cup your cheeks and wipe the remaining tears.

“i love you, y/n. never forget that,” he declares.

“never in a million years, sho. i love you, too.”

“and give yourself a break. come hang out with me again,” he says as he flicks your forehead.

“alright,” you say as you rub the spot on your head.

a/n: sorry for mistakes😣 didn’t have time to check

#hinata shoyo #hinata x gender neutral reader #hinata x gn!reader #haikyū!!#haikyuu fanfiction #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu hurt/comfort

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nyctophilin · 4 years

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Fake Affection | II

Chapter I, Chapter II, Chapter III, Chapter IV, Epilogue

Description: Han Jisung has been rejected by the girl he likes one to many times. He decides that he has had enough and is set on making her want him back. What could possibly make her want him more than seeing him with her rival after she boldly assumed he can’t find anyone better. That way Jisung and Y/N are stuck in a fake relationship until Jisung’s crush falls for him. Or he falls for someone else.

Pairing: Han x fem!Reader, Hyunjin x fem!Reader

Word count: 4.5k

Genre: College!AU, Fake dating!AU, Angst, Fluff, eventual Smut

Warnings: swearing

A/N: Remember when I said this will only have two part? Well, I’m a big fat liar. The drama kind of started this chapter and I’m excited for it. Also, thank you so much for for the huge support I got for the last part. I’m really grateful for that. I hope you like it, hehe. Feedback is very much appreciated.

Y/N was sitting in Script Interpretation class trying to go over the script they were going to discuss that day once more. Her concentration was interrupted by a pile of books being slammed into the table way too close to where her hand was resting. Lifting her head to look for the culprit she locked eyes with Hayoon. A shiver went through her body.

�� “Hey, girl. How are you doing?” Her voice was abnormally high and she hated how she couldn’t hide her feelings in front of her best friend. She really fucked up this time.

“Oh, don’t you ‘girl’ me! Can you explain to me what the fuck is everyone talking about?” She wasn’t screaming, her tone calm. Way too calm. It was making Y/N way more scared than she should have been.

Y/N lifted the script she was previously holding. “ Angels in Ame…” Hayoon hit the table with her palm and lowered herself to watch Y/N in the eyes.

“Don’t you bullshit me Y/N. Why is everyone talking about you and Han Jisung being in a relationship?” Hayoon’s face was dangerously close to hers and she could feel the daggers that her eyes were sending in her direction.

She gulped visibly before putting her hands on Hayoon’s shoulders and slowly pushing her away from her. “Well, we are in a relationship.” She didn’t dare look her friend in the eyes.

Annoyance was embracing Hayoon’s facial features. She clicked her tongue before exhaling loudly. “And why didn’t I know? And most importantly, when the fuck did it happen?” The girl’s voice started to rise in volume.

“Ok, please calm down! I’ll tell you everything at the end of the class. The professor is supposed to arrive any minute.” Y/N had a pleading face on, grateful for the fact that they didn’t have a free period. She hoped that maybe during the class Hayoon would calm down even a little. She really couldn’t deal with her friend when she was angry.

Like it was on cue, the professor entered the classroom and greeted everyone. Hayoon threw Y/N a look that meant they were not done there and focused on the professor.

Throughout the class, Y/n couldn’t focus on what they were talking about. She was thinking of what to tell her friend so she believes her and Jisung are deeply in love or at least very horny for each other. She was told by more professors that she is one of the best actresses they have at the moment but in front of Hayoon, she felt just like a kid who’s done something bad for the first time.

The time flew ridiculously fast that class and when the bell rang Y/N felt like she could have used some more hours to prepare for the talk she was about to have with Hayoon. Her friend got up and when they both finished packing their things she grabbed Y/N’s bicep as a method to prevent her from running away.

Hayoon led her outside of the campus and they sat down on a bench at the front of the university. That was the moment when she let go of her friend's arm. She made herself comfortable on the bench while Y/N was fidgeting nervously.

“You can start talking” She tilted her head to the side waiting for an explanation.

Y/N let out a shaky breath. “What happened is that he sat next to me in Canto class and then when the class was over he asked me to talk. He asked me out and now we are dating.” She said all that in a breath hoping that maybe Hayoon didn’t hear her.

“Just like that?” The other girl’s voice filled her ears. Y/N looked at her confused. The girl rolled her eyes. “You started dating him just like that? Just because he asked you? What happened with ‘He’s a loser’, ‘He never takes shit seriously’, ‘He has a stupid face that I hate’? Weren’t he and Mina dating?” The flood of questions took her by surprise.

“No, they are not dating. And he’s actually kind of nice. He has his bad parts but don’t we all?” She tried explaining without stumbling over her words which she succeeded in doing. Thankfully.

“But what if it is some kind of bet or trick? You know who he is friends with. You should have thought better before saying yes.” She shifted her position closer to Y/N and put a hand on her forearm protectively.

She was right. The whole thing was just a trick but she wasn’t the victim. She kind of felt bad now but the whole thing was actually harmless. They were just trying to make Mina jealous and if it didn’t work in a month or so, she would break up with Jisung. She turned her head towards her friend, tears stinging her eyes.

“Yes, I know his friends but it’s not like that. I really do like him. Why can’t you be happy for me? Is it that hard to believe that a popular guy would like me?” A single tear fell down her cheek and Hayoon hugged her hurriedly, stuffing her face into her chest.

“No, I’m sorry! Of course, he can. I’m sure a lot of popular guys like you! I was just worried!” Y/N sobbed a little and Hayoon hugged her tighter, rubbing her back soothingly.

“It’s ok. I know you mean well.” Y/N hated having to use the fake crying on her friend but if they wanted that to work no one should know they were faking their relationship.

The bell rang signalling the end of her last class. She gathered her things and waited a bit for Hayoon before leaving the room. Just as she stepped outside the classroom a hand snaked around her waist and she was pressed to a body.

“Hey, babe.” Jisung said next to her ear before giving her neck a kiss. The girl jumped at the contact before relaxing upon realising that it was Jisung.

“Hey.” She made eye contact with Hayoon who was sitting awkwardly to the side. She got out of his lock only to hold her friend’s hands and bring her closer. When she turned she noticed Hyunjin and Chan standing close to Jisung as well. “She’s my friend, Hayoon.” The men all greeted her.

Hayoon gave them in return a smile that was visibly fake before turning to Y/N. “I have to go. See you tomorrow, ok?”

“Yeah, see you.” She watched her get lost in the crowd before turning back to the boys.

“She’s nice.” Jisung said ironically, rolling his eyes.

“Give her time. She just doesn’t really like you.” Hyunjin and Chan held in their laughter as Jisung’s face turned into a hurt one.

“But you like me, right babe?” His voice was as if he was talking to a child as he placed his hands on her hips bringing her closer.

“You might have to give me some time as well.” The men finally let out their laughter as Jisung’s expression turned into an annoyed one. “What are you doing here, anyway?” She asked her head tilted to the side to show confusion and to distance herself a little bit from Jisung, who didn’t seem to have a problem with showing her affection.

“I came here to wait for Jeongin and they came to wait for you.” Hyunjin smiled as he spoke. She smiled back at him feeling happiness invade her body.

She turned her head towards her pretend boyfriend raising an eyebrow. “Did you want to tell me something?”

“I actually came to take you home. I and Chan have to meet Changbin somewhere and your house is on the way there.” She felt a warm feeling in her stomach at his words. That was actually really nice of him considering the fact that they were not actually dating.

“Jisung sweetie, you don’t know where I live yet.” Hyunjin snorted loudly, biting his lip to prevent himself from laughing. Jisung glared at him before looking down at Y/N.

“Ok, I don’t know if your house is on the way there but we were going to drop you off.”

“That’s really sweet of you but I actually have the first meeting with the crew for the short movie I’ll play in. I can’t leave yet.” She finally got out of his arms as she wanted to turn around and leave. A pair of strong hands placed themselves on her biceps and stopped her from moving.

“Easy there. You almost hit me. We still have 15 minutes until the meeting starts.” Jeongin explained as he went past her to greet each of the men individually.

“I’m sorry!” A pinkish colour dusted her cheeks, embarrassed by her negligence to where she was walking. “We? Your crew is meeting now as well?” The innocence in her voice made Jeongin chuckle.

“Y/N, we play in the same movie.” Her eyebrows furrowed and her mouth fell agape at his words. Hyunjin and Jeongin giggled at her reaction.

“Seriously?” Her question had Hyunjin rolling his eyes.

“You say that like you haven’t been together in every single play since last year.” He was right but she didn’t remember seeing Jeongin at the auditions. “Now, let’s go or we’ll be late.”

“You play in it as well?” Her expression became even more shocked if it was possible.

“No, I don’t. I’ll just come watch.”

“I don’t think you are allowed to.”

“Oh, please! Mrs. Bae loves me. I’m sure she won’t have anything against it.” Right after he finished talking he hooked an arm around Jeongin’s neck forcing him to follow his lead. When he got next to Y/N he did the same taking the girl by surprise.

She regained her composure fast telling herself that Hyunjin is just a social butterfly. She lifted her hand and waved it ‘Goodbye!’ at the boys who she couldn’t see because of Hyunjin’s grip on her neck.

Jisung watched as the three of them were heading for the auditorium. Taking another look at Hynjin’s arm around her neck, he scoffed. He had been particularly annoying since lunch and something told Jisung it wouldn’t be the last time.

As long as he didn’t interfere with their plan to make Mina jealous, he didn’t really care what kind of relationship Hyunjin was trying to push with Y/N.

“I can not wait to get the script. Cursed be the printer for breaking down today of all days!” Y/N chanted for the nth time in the last 20 minutes.

The meeting went fairly well. They mostly talked about the concept of the movie more in-depth, met the other actors that they didn’t know thanks to them being from different majors and discussed about each character individually so they know how to prepare for the roles. The only thing that upset Y/N was the missing scripts that they were supposed to receive. She was so excited about the movie and she could not endure another day without knowing the entire story.

She was currently walking home with Hyunjin and Jeongin. Despite being well past 7 PM the sun was still in the sky probably preparing to set soon. The spring breeze had her clutching her jean jacket to her body trying to get rid of the goosebumps covering her skin.

“You’ve only told us that a thousand times in the last couple of minutes.” Hyunjin said being unable to suppress the smile that was tugging at his mouth upon seeing how excited she was.

“Can you blame me? The concept of Hell and Heaven, the forbidden love, the action, the drama. Everything is so, ugh!” Y/N was making wide gestures with her hands as she spoke, having the men trying to avoid them in order not to get hit. Jeongin grabbed one of her hands stopping her ministration.

“I have never seen someone so excited about a school project. Calm down! We’ll get the script tomorrow.” Her mouth formed into a pout at his words. The two men let out chuckles at her action.

Taking a look around her she noticed a familiar coffee shop on the other side of the road. She cleared her throat as she stopped at the crossroad.

“My apartment is actually that way.” She used her index finger to point the direction of the coffee shop. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow!”

“Actually, I’m going that way as well.” Hyunjin said, pressing the button of the traffic lights.

They said goodbye to Jeongin before crossing the street. There was a comfortable silence between the two of them for a few minutes.

“I still can’t believe that they let you stay.” Y/N said, remembering how he sat behind her and Jengin the whole time. He would make short comments about the plot and characters from time to time, making her giggle.

“I told you Mrs. Bae loves me. She’ll do anything for her favourite student.” He said matter of factly.

“I just don’t understand how she can be such a bitch to everyone but you. She acted like you were her son, I swear to God.” She trembled as she recalled how the professor would talk to him in a baby voice and how she offered to give him her chair so he could sit comfortably.

“Not everyone is as handsome and amazing as I am.” Y/N laughed shortly and shoved him slowly.

Another minute passed before Hyunjin decided to speak.

“You know what I don’t understand?” He asked, looking at her side profile.

“What?” She made eye contact with him.

“Now, I don’t want you to get offended, cause that is definitely your choice. However, why date Jisung? You could have had any boy on campus. Someone that’s actually mature and nice.” Hyunjin let his teeth sink into the flesh of his bottom lip.

He knew what he was trying to do was not ethical. Jisung was one of his best friends but he had to know. If he couldn’t get Mina, which everyone could, how did he convince someone of Y/N’s calibre to date him?

“Perhaps you think too highly of me. I assure you, I couldn’t have had any boy on campus.” She let a breathy laugh leave her lips. Boys barely talked to her and every time they did they were very awkward and distant.

“I’m afraid I have to disagree with you. A lot of guys like you. You are smart, talented, friendly and, please excuse my language, hot. You just seem unapproachable because…” He stopped in the middle of his sentence contemplating whether he should say it or not.

“Because…” She encouraged him to speak.

“You might have a resting bitch face sometimes.” He noticed she wanted to say something but cut her off. “AND. And there is this guy that claims to have confessed to you last year and he said you completely humiliated him.” He bit the inside of his lip.

An irritated breath left her nose. “I swear to God. I knew that guy would do something like that. All I did was tell him I want to focus on school for a while and he literally started crying. When I told him he could ask me again in a few months he called me a bitch and stormed out of there.” She paused for a bit to regain her composure. “If he’s the reason no guy approached me all this time I’ll find him and give his ass a beating.” She declared clenching her fist in front of her face.

Hyunjin chuckled at her action. “Ok, but let’s go back to Jisung.” That was a phrase he never thought he would say to a girl.

“Ah, yeah. I don’t know. He was the first one to ask me out. He is kinda handsome and nice, I guess. I mean, he does that thing where he likes to make fun of people for no reason that absolutely drives me mad.” She exclaimed the last word clenching her jaw. “But he has been nice to me since we started dating. It has been only a day and a half but he knows that if he does something wrong I’ll dump him faster than he can rap.”

“Hmm, interesting. So this is all it takes for you to break up with him. In that case, I want to let you know that he has been rude to me today before we came to meet you.” Y/N laughed and hit his chest softly. Hyunjin laughed as well, but his laugh wasn’t genuine.

Y/N stopped walking and put her hand on his forearm. “This is where I live. Thank you for walking with me. It was fun spending time with you today.” A bright smile enveloped her features.

Hyunjin took a look at the apartment complex behind her trying to figure out at what floor her apartment might be. Quickly, he shifted his eyes on her and without realising he patted her head smiling.

“I had fun as well. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go rub into Jisung’s face the fact that I found out where you live before him.” He said and turned on his heels to leave.

Y/N noticed Hyunjin going in the same direction they came from and confusion settled inside her.

“Hey! Where are you going?” She shouted after him.

Hyunjin turned towards her and a smile tugged on his lips. “Actually, I live two streets behind.”

Her eyes widened at his words. “Oh my God! Why didn’t you say so? I made you walk all the way here.”

“I couldn’t let such a pretty lady walk alone at this hour.” His response came to her panicked rambling.

“But it’s still really bright outside!”

“Ok, you got me. I just wanted to spend more time with you.” A smirk appeared on his lips. “Hey! Don’t tell Jisung!” He winked at her before turning around and sprinting down the street.

She casually walked into the complex and made her way to the third floor where her apartment was located. She fished her key from her bag and unlocked the door entering the residence.

When she found herself in the safety of her apartment she let her body slid down the white door. A rosy pink was covering her cheeks and she bit her bottom lip. What was that stupid feeling inside her chest? She needed to calm down.

Y/N got up from the floor and went into the kitchen. She opened the fridge and snatched a water bottle from the fridge door. She downed half of it in one go and used one hand to prop herself against the wall.

“Mina, you bitch. Hurry up and fall in love with Jisung.” She mumbled pressing the cold bottle to her exposed collarbones.

“How much more should we sit in silence?” Changbin whispered looking around at the people occupying the table.

“Shhh. Be quiet! They’ll both rip your head off if you disturb them.” Hayoon spit in a barely audible voice.

Changbin threw her an annoyed look. Why did Y/N’s friend have to sit with them as well? He glanced at Y/N and Jeongin who were seated across one another. Their eyes were scanning over the pages of the thick scripts they had in hand for the past 20 minutes, forcing everyone else around them to be quiet.

“Whoa, what an ending! I knew I could trust our senior.” Y/N finally exclaimed, startling some of the people at the table.

“Tell me about it. I can not believe you have to do that.” Jeongin said, placing the script next to his tray.

“Don’t be sad, lover boy. I promise I’ll take good care of you in hell.” She winked at him before stuffing the script in her bag.

“Do I sense some steamy stuff coming up?” Felix wiggled his eyebrows at Jeongin.

“Nah, just a kiss. But like, fucking finally!” Jeongin exclaimed, taking a bite from his food for the first time since he sat down.

“How did we manage to be in so many plays together and not kiss once? That never happens. It started to worry me. Finally, the universe is in order again.” She joked pretending to wipe away sweat from her forehead.

Jisung rested his elbow on the back of Y/N’s chair and leaned close to her. “Do you mean to tell me that you’ve wanted to kiss Jeongin for a long time now?” His tone was meant to be teasing and intimidating but Y/N felt like laughing at his efforts to seem like a possessive boyfriend. She rolled her eyes visibly.

“Don’t worry, babe. It’s just acting. No real feelings involved.” Her words carried a lot of meaning, one which only the two of them could understand.

“Really?” His voice lowered an octave and using one finger he turned her head towards him capturing her lips in a slow kiss.

From the corner of his eye, he noticed Mina looking at them. She was seated a few tables away with her friends and a few guys from her major. He felt like smirking when she clenched her jaw and scoffed in their direction.

He broke the kiss and proceeded to lick his lips tasting Y/N’s strawberry lip balm on them. He curled one hand over her shoulders and brought her closer. Upon placing a kiss on her temple, the sound of metal hitting metal ringed in the cafeteria. Mina abruptly got up from her table and left the cafeteria leaving her friends to clean up her tray.

Minho let out a prolonged whistle rolling his eyes in the process. “Looks like someone is in a bad mood. I wonder why.” His voice was dripping with sarcasm, the reason for Mina’s sudden outburst being well known at the table.

“You snooze, you lose.” A smirk was plastered on Jisung’s face. “I think a year and a half was a good amount of time for her to figure out her feelings. I wasn’t gonna wait around for her my entire life.” He declared nonchalantly playing with a strand of Y/N’s hair.

Y/N bit back a laugh at his bold statement. What he said wasn’t entirely wrong. He didn’t wait around for her but he sure as hell wasn’t over her like his tone wanted to make it seem like. She lightly patted his thigh under the table as a form of saying ‘Good one!’.

“That kind of makes it seems like you are using Y/N to get over her. I’d be more careful with my word choice next time.” Hyunjin said in a stern voice, throwing Jisung a cold glare.

“No one needs your fucking opinion. Why do you even care?” Jisung felt annoyance overwhelm him. Hyunjin has voiced a lot of his opinions regarding his relationship with Y/N ever since they’ve announced it. Most of them in private when she wasn’t present.

“Cause I don’t want you hurting my friend. She’s been nice enough to date you. I feel like you should be grateful.” Hyunjin was clearly irritated by Jisung’s attitude.

Y/N watched as the two men were throwing daggers at each other. The same fuzzy feeling from the day before started spreading in her body. She kept repeating to herself that Hyunjin was just being nice. All he did and said the day prior was just him being nice. Some of his words started playing in her head when she remembered the previous day. ‘I just wanted to spend more time with you. Don’t tell Jisung!’ He was probably just joking. Just some playful rivalry between the two.

“It’s ok, Hyunjin. I didn’t see it like that. I’m fine.” She mumbled and started playing with her fingers under the table. She tried controlling her laboured breath.

Jisung threw Hyunjin a victorious smile. Noticing a change in her demeanour he took a look at her. Cheeks dusted with the faintest of pinks and fingers playing nervously under the table. A smirk acaparated his face as he remembered the conversation he had with her the other day on the bench. She definitely had a crush on someone.

The sound of a key turning in a lock was heard in the empty apartment. Y/N entered the residence and abandoned her bag on the hanger near the door. Taking off her boots, she made her way to the window in the living room to close it, the air in the apartment being way too chilly for her comfort. She picked up a plate from the coffee table that she abandoned there in the morning before leaving and took it to the sink in the kitchen before going to her bedroom.

The space was fairly clean excepting her desk that had all sorts of assignments and books sprawled all over it. She took off her clothes and discarded them in the laundry bin before going to her closet to pick something comfortable to wear. She settled for a pair of burgundy sweats and a black hoodie, perfect for that spring weather.

Just as she finished putting on the hoodie she heard her phone go off signalling that she got a message. Throwing herself on the bed she grabbed her phone that was on the nightstand next to her bed.

[Jisung,15:36]Tomorrow is Saturday. Let’s go on a date! :D

Y/N pursed her lips after reading his message. She has planned to do research about her character for the movie the next day. Her fingers moved fast in typing a reply.

[Y/N,15:39]Is Mina gonna be there?

She had no reason to go on that date if Mina wasn’t going to be there. It will be just a waste of her time. Her phone emitted the same ringing sound like earlier and she unlocked it to check his response.

[Jisung,15:40]Of course. Why else would I ask you on a date?

His message had her rolling her eyes. She would bet all her money that he had a smug expression at that moment. Probably thinking that he did something. She was getting annoyed just thinking of it.

[Y/N,15:42]Time and place?

[Jisung,15:45] 6 PM. Text me your address, I’ll come pick you up.

She sent him her address after a few minutes of contemplating insisting to meet there. She locked her phone and turned the silent mode on putting it back on the nightstand. Jumping out of bed she made her way to her desk prepared to start working on some of the assignments scattered on it.

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unholyverse · 4 years

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the lore of the bands before (a pre-waterparks primer)

ok i’ve decided that i know too much and wanna make a livejournal style primer about the history of the band(s) before waterparks (pictured below) for anyone that wanted to know what the hell ive been talking about again for like the past two months. this shit’s legit man it has citations (and my commentary).

the blue poptarts

let’s begin with the first known form of the band, the blue poptarts, started roughly in 2004 under an unidentified different name with different members (source). also here’s their (extremely broken) myspace through the wayback machine

the band consisted of four people: awsten knight (vocalist, guitarist, keys), jawn rocha (guitarist, vocals), chris walzel (bassist, vocals), and owen marvin (drums)

(owen: far left, chris: kid with glasses, awsten: green shirt, jawn: kid that looks the least white) (extra note: i am so glad i never tried starting a band when i was 14)

now, what does a self proclaimed “radxcore, crunkadelique, yay, choloxcore, rainbowxcore, and applexcore” band sound like? like a band you used to listen to in like 2008 when you wanted to be ~different~ and when you discover it years later, you realize it sucks. that’s basically it.

they had an album called electric birthday party produced by jonathan cook (forever the sickest kids) (source) and the album art is still very endearing.

their recorded songs that can still be found include:

all the dinosaurs are dead

the airplane’s not supposed to fly this high

it ain’t easy being gangsta

the ballad of chadam kool

and here are some performances by them (some under very different lineups):

at a hot topic (blurry version here)

pulling an i’m so sad, so very, very sad with a song called AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AA

a live cover of something where jawn is the only person i recognize in the lineup

one where the lights are just super red

one from that same night but in blue

this absolute wreck where awsten’s screams sound like pig squeals

my personal favorite, their last show where there is silly string, awsten is screaming, and also he hangs off the ceiling

there’s a chapter in awsten’s book about the band’s escapades after a hot topic show in little rock, arkansas (here’s the tour poster for that if you’re so interested) where former member michael austin brought random hot topic employees into their hotel room and gave the members off brand viagra which made jawn think he was dying from it because he had suddenly gotten sick (he actually had food poisoning from the pizza they ate). yes this is all real.

after five years of being one giant wreck of a band with rotating members, the blue poptarts had their final show under that lineup in september 4, 2009 where they opened for blood on the dance floor (source) and presumably awsten got offered crack cocaine by them behind the venue (source). but there was more in store for some of them...

over 9000

you may ask, why the fuck is the title of the next section a dead dragon ball meme from 2006? and i have to answer with that is the actual name of the next band. it was 2010. just be glad it didn’t end up being the name of a rage comic.

awsten was very adamant about promoting his shitty little bands with his shitty little flyers outside of shows in the houston scene and one of these flyers ended up in the hands of otto wood, who contacted them through myspace (big deal because he literally does not have social media) and joined as a drummer for the new form of the band: over 9000 (also abbreviated as o9k or wo9k (we are over 9000)).

the lineup was still the same outside of the replacement of owen with otto and after the departure of chris, it was just three of them.

this band is a little easier to trace because they were actually getting somewhere (at least they thought but we’ll get to that later), awsten mentioned some of it in his book, and also bc tumblr was rising in popularity at the time and sometimes you can actually find posts from that time if you look hard enough on here (a prime example is the @fuckyeahwo9k with old pics n shit). going off that, here is an also broken wayback capture of their blog before its deactivation and their twitter.

but anyways, back to the band. compared to its first iteration, over 9000 were more X___X than XD!!!!!! if you get what i’m saying. still very scene, but like not in the rainbow induced vomit way of last time.

their first official show was on march 13, 2010 as dated by this video post-show of awsten going hardcore on the macarena. but their first known show with otto was on january 30, 2010 (source: this girl’s slideshow) (note: they were still technically called the blue poptarts at this point) at the source’s 16th birthday (i don’t know why them but it was 2010 *shrugs*). also the night before that birthday show was the events of the only youtube video on their channel where otto attempts to smother awsten with a pillow for being annoying.

there are literally no studio recordings of their songs available so complied below are shitty live recordings of some of the songs i could salvage (general warning for heavy strobe and flashing lights)

youcan’taskquestionsduringmovienight

everything opens with an o / blood bath and beyond (note: these are two separate songs just in the same video and the second song is cut off at the end)

a car full of angry kids

some other songs they did live were either old blue poptarts songs or lost with lyrics only found here and here is someone with the old song files on their computer

here’s a setlist they had around the time (source)

the shows weren’t near the amount of horrible chaos i documented earlier but rest assured, there are other videos at the least:

slideshow of their first official show

two povs of otto going unreasonably hard on the drums (king you are already carrying them you don’t have to do this)

the blue poptarts song, i set aquaman on fire, where awsten and jawn do a crabcore squat at some point. it’s very funny.

like less than half of a song where otto gets on his drumset to yell “MAKE NOISE” and it ends with awsten and jawn trying to situate the crowd

a very crunchy acoustic performance

their “no shirt, no shoes, no bass, no problem” show after chris left

supposedly the album was supposed to be called xThuggin Rhymesx (source) but i still have no idea if it was just a filler name / inside joke, but honestly given the fact that their name is over 9000 and it was 2010, i wouldn’t be surprised if this was the actual name.

there’s also only like two interviews of them in existence: a casual one with hometown friends/fans and one with a music magazine which both segue into the next part of all of this

the boys got the chance to record an album in detroit (images of the studio they were living in can be found on jawn’s twitpic here, here, and here) at 37 studios.

i’ll just let awsten explain the end of the band (passage taken from his book)

So the newly-formed band I was in with Otto was literally the product of us being bullied into making convoluted, garbage progressive rock. The music sucked. We weren’t good at performing it. We just sucked in every way, but that didn’t stop us from promoting it extremely hard and pushing it on the ears of anyone who had the displeasure of crossing our paths.

As soon as I graduated high school, we got an opportunity to work in Detroit with a certain band that a couple of us liked at the time [I See Stars], and we immediately jumped at the opportunity. The “manager” who set it up for us seemed very interested in our music and helping us grow as a group, so I was sold. I was so absolutely set on making the band work that I was willing to sink every penny I had into this trip, including any and all graduation money I received. We all did.

Upon arrival, we realized that this was a complete and utter shit-show.

We would be in Detroit for two weeks, essentially locked in the studio (we left the complex one time for a couple hours in the 14 days we were there) and were about to learn the hard way that most people in the “industry” don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves. The amount of things we paid for and never got was staggering.

When we first showed up at the studio, the lowlife producer yelled, “Well, where’s all your fucking gear?” He asked us this despite the fact that being able to use their in-house gear was a fee included in the thousands of dollars we had somehow been able to scrounge together between the three of us.

He then tried charging us money to sleep on the mattresses that were in a side room, another cost that was already included in what we had paid. There was then a closed-door yelling match that we could clearly hear between the producer and the “manager” who had booked us this trip. We were off to a good start, but rest assured, it got much worse.

The producer we were paying to work with was celebrating his birthday by getting drunk and staying home, which extended through our entire trip. We never met the guy. We didn’t get to use the gear or equipment we paid to have our songs recorded with. The guy from the band we liked rarely made it into the studio, and if he did, he was always about seven hours late (even though he evidently lived twenty minutes away).

On what was supposed to be a long, productive day in which we went over our songs and restructured them to make them better, we waited around for twelve hours before he finally came in as the sun was setting. We had been so excited to have some creative input from a guy we respected, and by the time he arrived we were completely deflated.

“Fellas!” he cheerily greeted us. (What smug piece of shit has the audacity to walk in twelve hours late to work, where people are literally waiting for him to get started, and yell “Fellas”? Drop, you weak fuck.) “Sorry I’m late, but I brought chips!”

He threw a couple bags of Funyuns and Salt and Vinegar chips on the table in our direction. It’s hard to imagine a more creatively degrading situation, but it’s situations like these that have hardened me in a creative and business sense. He departed after an hour and a half.

I saw him again years later when we played the Vans Warped Tour in 2016, and I don’t think he recognized who I was, because he introduced himself to me with an ugly, “Sup brahhh?” Sometimes it’s hard not to punch someone in their shitty little rat face. Therapy makes you want to go back and defend past you from bad people/situations, and 2018 me would absolutely go back to 2010 and break this guy’s nose for disrespecting me, wasting my time/creative energy, and essentially stealing all my money.

We also didn’t get the new promo pictures, the new website design layouts, critiques on our songs from a “songwriter’s” standpoint, and were constantly being guilted for being there. One day, the “manager” who set this whole thing up asked me to PayPal him $30 for gas so he could come in to the studio and see how we were doing. I was 18 and barely had money to get food at that point, but I sent it anyway because I desperately wanted them to like me. He never came in that day.

I spent most of my time there riding a skateboard through the halls and listening to Death Cab and Gorillaz remixes, hopelessly waiting for people that didn’t care we existed to come help us craft a listenable release and give us the body of work we paid for. I didn’t want to tell my already suspicious parents how bad the trip was turning out and how terrible our circumstances were because I didn’t want my mom to worry and I didn’t want to prove that their skepticism was justified, even though it definitely was. So I avoided checking in, blaming it on business, and when we would talk, I’d tell them things were “going well!”

We found ourselves in a panic on our last night in the studio, given that we were nowhere close to being done recording on account of the dumbshit producer never showing up and working painfully slow whenever he did decide to swing by. The band guy had stopped coming in altogether. We never even met the producer who we had paid to work with originally. The bullshit in-house producer we’d been recording with was severely drunk to the point where he’d passed out on the couch and we were desperately sifting through Cubase tutorials (the recording software he was using, when we were promised Pro Tools) on YouTube, trying to figure out how to operate his bullshit system. We were stressed beyond belief and gradually coming to the realization that this was all fucking whatever and it wasn’t going to be completed.

We never got our songs back. All of us were extremely broke and pissed off. No one gave a fuck about us and we were nowhere remotely close to legitimate. Stuff like this put me in a mindset where I really don’t give a shit about networking or making nice with bands, and I still accidentally subconsciously carry that with me today. Rappers are funnier than band guys and also aren’t competitive with you, so it’s more fun to be around them.

When we got home, we had a show booked at a high school and morale was at an all-time low. All of us were pretty bummed about the status of the band and we were only holding on because it was fun to play shows.

Fun fact: on the drive up to the school, a very scary gentlemen next to us at a red light who also had his window rolled down pointed a gun at us and we ran the light through traffic to avoid getting maybe shot, Houston, baby!!!!!!

Unfortunately, the show went fucking terribly. The bright side is we only sucked in front of 15 people. Actually, that’s a negative too, dang. We had gotten used to it at this point, but Otto was always really hard on himself and us after every show, so we got used to it when he wouldn’t talk to us after a set. It came as no surprise when we got the silent treatment while he loaded up his drums. However, we weren’t prepared to discover that he was going to drive away and never speak to us again, thus ending the band. We didn’t talk after that, even as friends.

tl;dr: they had a shitty time in detroit trying to record because it was a giant scam and disastrous on all accounts. their last show was at a high school (videos of it linked in the passage) after they came back and after the show, otto ghosted them completely, ending the band and their friendship.

yea kind of a depressing end compared to the rest of it huh. but of course, this was not the end of everything.

the early beginnings of waterparks

in 2011, awsten started waterparks when he was 19. he was on the verge of dropping out of college. he also had a leg tumor. he had a lot of shit going on. while otto was ghosting him and jawn was a high school senior gearing up to go to college, one of waterparks’ earliest lineups was with owen marvin on drums and gage matthieu on bass and unclean vocals. their first and only music video with this lineup can be found here (password is WTRPRKSDICKPICS bc that was the name of their snapchat and also when i posted this to youtube awsten nerfed me)

eventually, that lineup dissolved and awsten was left finding a drummer again and had to contact otto as he was the only other drummer he knew. awsten had already sent him their first ep and otto loved it (source) and otto said yes when asked to join parx’s practice (the full story can be found here and continued here).

eventually, they got geoff wigington on guitar (and also kicked gage out) and the official waterparks lineup was born :)

bonus: geoff wearing an old o9k shirt for their new wave video

where are they now?

while the fate of chris and owen remains unknown to me, i feel like it’s kind of obvious what happened to the three i emphasized on

awsten: he’s the singer-songwriter and guitarist of waterparks. he dyes his hair a lot and is a capricorn sun and gemini moon. this should tell you a lot about him. he types in all caps on twitter and i’ve had him muted for over a year. i used to bully him on here before he deleted his tumblr and i still have no idea if he ever saw my messages. also one time he submitted a text post to waterparksdrama asking how big his own dick was.

otto: the drummer and eye candy of waterparks. he has no social media other than a twitter he abandoned after making three tweets in 2011 and an instagram awsten made as a joke for him that will eternally be empty. he’s basically amish in my eyes and he climbs trees, gets chased by bees on his farm, and plays baseball. i’m pretty sure he’s immortal. also i have to live with knowing details of his sex life. long story. my chemical romance makes him dance =) (side note: i will eternally be jealous that he saw them on pro rev 2007)

jawn: waterparks’ photographer and friend. he used to play bass during their early shows after otto came back and geoff got added to the roster. besides photography, he does twitch streams either about his photo editing process or just playing silly little games. he has a glowing keyboard so you can tell he’s legit about this shit.

so yeah! all’s well that ends well and all that shit. they seem to be having genuinely decent lives. all i ask is that if you’re gonna spread this shit do not fucking do it in the eyeshot of anyone mentioned here (i.e. post about this on twitter or instagram) i’m just trying to get a story straight and i don’t think they really want to remember this but other than that, i hope this informed you and got the whole story down.

#i am still paranoid awsten's eventually gonna lurk here again so im not even gonna tag this other than for my own taglist #o9k #tbpt #welcome to my twisted mind

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pinoy-culture · 3 years

Note

before I ask my question, I just wanted to say thank you so so so much for keeping up your blog and consistently giving out information where its readily accessible!!!

maybe this will make me sound like an idiot but to preface, I’m a mixed filipino american. My mom is filipino and some chinese and my dad is some sort of european and puerto rican. i was wondering, in your opinion, do you think it’d be okay for me (eventually) work with diwata and anitos? And how can I start? Ive been trying to communicate with my ancestors and I’ve been looking for books to one day buy (im extremely broke so your blog and any filipino witches i come across is all the info i can get) but i honestly have no clue where to start other than with my ancestors (weird dreams lately but nothing ancestor related i think). i took a DNA test as a gift and it pointed, predominantly, to the Western Visayas so im assuming i should study more on pre-colonial Bisayan culture (my lolas from iloilo so it makes sense i guess) but i also know that “blood quantum” is a colonizer concept so i dont wanna rely on it too much :/ sorry to ramble but pls help lol

First, I'd like to say thank you for following the blog! It really does mean a lot to me to hear from others over the years on how much my blogs have helped them learn about our history and culture.

Now as for working with our diwata and the anito, that is completely ok. The whole blood quantum thing among some Filipinos I honestly don't agree with. As long as you have a family member who is Filipino, you are Filipino regardless of your "percentage" and of how you look. If you have Filipino blood in you, the ancestors are there with you. Even if you weren't raised within Filipino culture or a Filipino household because your parents never brought you up in it, or you are an adoptee like some I've met over the years. Your ancestors are your ancestors regardless. They see you and know you and that is all that matters.

Now there really isn't any book focused specifically on reviving our precolonial beliefs and practices. Yes, some did survive and some even blended in with a form of Folk Christianity in the Philippines. You can see many of the older practices and beliefs still alive, but they have been replaced with Catholic imagery and Saints.

But, in regards actually believing in and worshiping our old deities, doing rituals dedicated to the deity, or even some rites of passage like the Tagalog first menstruation rite of passage, or making carved figures dedicated to the diwata and anito, or performing maganito/paganito or atang to the diwata and anito, majority of Filipinos don't do this, or even know it.

So for being an Anito Reconstructionist, which is a label I personally use for my spiritual beliefs and others have adopted, there really isn't a book for it. A Reconstructionist in other ethnic spiritual paths, such as the Celtic, Roman, Aztec, Kemetic, Greek, Norse, etc., are those who look at historical records to try and piece together what was once practiced and believed in prior to Christianity. Over many years, these different spiritual paths have eventually come together, formed a community, and have resources like books and teachers. They have had the time to do all the research and put together a more formal spirituality based on those Pre-Christian beliefs and bringing it to the modern day where they have hundreds to thousands of people who have gone back to those beliefs. With some, they have even created temples, shrines to their deities, and even have celebrations.

Unfortunately that is not the case for us. However, due to the growing interest in our precolonial beliefs and practices over the years, I can see Anito Reconstructionism growing within the next several years. It already has, with many people actually trying to learn more about these beliefs and our old deities. The amount of people of people I've seen and talked to who have expressed their interest to reclaim these precolonial beliefs and practices is nothing compared to 10 years ago when it was hard to even find one or two people who did.

It is why I've been writing this book for a few years now dedicated to helping others in wanting to reclaim our precolonial beliefs and practices as a starting point in their research. For now though, I always recommend those who are starting to simply just read the historical texts. Grab a notebook and write down notes. Organize your notes into deities, rituals, how to make an offering, any prayers to a specific deity, how to set up an altar, etc.

Seeing as your family is from the island of Panay in the Western Bisayas, like my moms side are from, I would start with looking at the Bisayan precolonial beliefs and practices. A really good reference is reading Francisco Alcina's History of the Bisayans (1668). Volume 3 is available online in English which you can find here. Volume 3 goes into a lot of detail in the beliefs and practices. The Boxer Codex, if you are able to get a copy of the English translation, is also really good reading material.

Getting Started:

In terms of getting started, keep in mind that there is no one monolithic belief system or practice in the Philippines. Before there ever was a Philippines, we were different nations with different beliefs and practices. It is important to know your ethnic groups beliefs and practices and know their history. For example, I am Bisaya (Akeanon specifically) and Tagalog and that is what I work with. Others who I know follow the Bikolano, Kapampangan, or Ilokano beliefs. Though there are some similarities, each ethnic group had their own set beliefs and practices.

I often tell people that you can't just mix and match between them. For example, though I work with both the Tagalog and Bisayan pantheons, I wouldn't dare do a ritual offering to both a Tagalog or Bisayan deity at the same time. It's always separate. You also can't combine 2 similar deities together from different ethnic groups just because they share similar attributes. It's just rude and disrespectful.

Start out small. Set up an altar dedicated to your ancestors. If you have any family members who have passed, put a photo of them on the altar. Leave offerings of rice cakes such as suman, food like chicken adobo, or even a cup of drink such as tuba, lambanog, or even Red Horse beer. But if you can't get access to an alcoholic drink either because one you are a minor or 2 it's not available where you live, you can simply replace it with a non-alcoholic drinks like coconut juice. Get a coconut shell or a seashell to either place these offerings as bowls/plates or even use them to put your kamangyan or incense.

Then start researching how our Bisayan ancestors worshiped and practiced. Study the history and read historical accounts, books, and articles about them. Write down what you have learned on these precolonial beliefs and practices and reconstruct or revive them. This is what Polytheistic Recinstructionists do. I have listed links to these texts here.

Ask questions to your family, particularly your elders. See if they know of anything or if they can share some traditional practices and beliefs they know of have heard of. You would be surprised how, despite some families being really religious, many still believe in the spirits, do some form of ancestor veneration, believe in omens that are being told to you by the ancestors or spirits, etc.

If you can, try to go back to the Philippines and see your family's ancestral home, see where they grew up, etc. Ask about family stories and folk stories. For example, my mom grew up in Aklan and has always told me stories of the aswang and certain omens. She also constantly talks about the mischievous "little people" who play tricks on you (for example putting something down like your keys and then it goes missing, until you find it again somewhere else). In the Western Bisayas, they are known as kama-kama. There is also a story of how her grandmother's cat visited her during her wake. The cat was missing for years, but it came back and stayed sleeping on top of the casket for days before it left. My mom told me that it was the cat paying their respects to her grandmother.

Keep in mind also and acknowledge our indigenous communities who have kept their beliefs and practices. Don't try to take them into your own. I have seen people cherry pick things from the Manobo of Mindanao or the Kalinga in the Cordillera, which is just disrespectful. Many of the IP, though some still have kept their beliefs, it isn't the most important aspect to them. What they are most concerned about are other issues such as losing their homes due to occupation by oil or logging companies, other settlers such as the Tagalog and Bisayans (especially in Mindanao), getting targeted as "rebels" by the Philippine military and often getting killed. But, by cherry picking beliefs especially of the IP groups, it's just disrespectful.

I will be teaching classes on Anito Reconstructionism soon and will have my first class possibly at the end of the month or next month. I decided to do these classes seeing as there is a growing community who are interested, but don't know where to start. I'll be doing a proper announcement on these classes real soon so look out for the announcement and hopefully you will be able to join!

#filipino #diwata #anito #anito reconstructionist #polytheist #polytheism #precolonial philippines #faq #question #long post

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craziest-in-the-guild · 3 years

Text

Point Rain

Chapter 3 of the Long Night series

Word Count: 5251

C/W: 18+ Description of severe injuries; medical treatments. Sex, unprotected p in v, oral sex (m and f giving/receiving), cream pie. Alcohol use.

A/N: Thank you all for reading this far! This one picks up on the action, both on the battlefield and behind closed doors. I did use vod in a way that I'm not quite sure is correct, feel free to leave notes on that for me to reference in the future. Hope everyone enjoys it!

_______________________________________________________

The assault on Geonosis was being initiated to regain control of the planet and destroy the new droid factory. Generals Skywalker, Mundi, and Kenobi were leading a three pronged attack in hopes that the factory could easily be taken.

Our forces were under fire as soon as we launched. The noise from the laser blasts, other ships, and our own gunship was excruciatingly loud. I put a hand to my helmet in discomfort.

“Here, let me help you adjust the sound filtering,” came the modulated voice beside me. Rex took my helmet, adjusted something and handed it back.

“Better?” he asked.

“Yes, much, now I can hear myself think,” I laughed nervously. The sound filtering had dampened the blasts and roar of the gunship.

The gunship beside us was hit several times by cannon fire and exploded, rocking our ship. I could feel my heart rate speeding up and I tightened my hold on the grab bar above.

Our ship was the next to be struck by a blast, causing it to lurch sideways. I lost my balance and fell into Rex. I quickly returned to a standing position and he placed one arm around my waist to help me brace. I could see smoke and flames streaming past the side door. The pilot yelled over the comm for everyone to brace themselves; we were going down.

The ship picked up speed as we hurled towards the ground. We struck hard, enough to knock the breath out of me. Once the burning hunk of metal came to a stop, I scanned quickly to see if everyone was ok. No one was down and we all evacuated.

“Are you good, Doc?” Rex yelled over the noise.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just a little shaken!” I yelled back, ducking as laser blasts flew overhead.

“Draw your blaster and stay with Fives, Jesse, and Tup, I’m going with the General and Commander.”

“MEDIC! Man down!” cracked across the comms. That didn’t take long.

“What’s your location?” Jesse asked.

The injured clone was close, so we diverted to his location. His vod had dragged him behind a rock outcropping for cover. He had been hit with three blaster bolts to his left arm.

“I can’t move my arm,” he said frantically.

There was little bleeding from the wounds. I removed his armor and cut the sleeve of his blacks to get a better look. His radial pulse was strong, a good indication that no major circulation had been disrupted. I wrapped the injuries with bacta impregnated dressings.

“Clankers incoming!” Jesse yelled. Tup pushed me further behind the rock outcropping just in time to dodge a blaster bolt that ripped through the rock where we had been standing.

I drew my blaster and we both peeked around the edge of the rock. I had a clear shot at a few droids, so I took it, taking out three of them. Tup congratulated me.

Overhead, a severely damaged gunship streaked by, hit the ground, and rolled, coming to a rest not far from our position.

Tup and I ran to Fives as he and Jesse fired on the last of the droids. We advanced towards the gunship crash site.

As we approached, we could hear the screams of pain. Called over comms for additional medics and a tank for evacuation. There were none available, everyone had suffered heavy personnel and equipment loss.

A trooper approached, pointing me in the direction of an injured brother.

“Is anyone else alive?” I inquired.

“I don’t think so, sir,” he said.

I reached the trooper and swiftly pulled my backpack off, reaching for two tourniquets. One leg had been fully amputated just above the knee and the other leg was partially amputated below the knee. Blood was pouring from both legs.

“Fucking hell,” I muttered.

“Jesse, I’m going to need you to help me so he doesn’t bleed out. Put this one on the left leg and I’ll take the right leg.”

I slid the tourniquet on and yanked the strap tight before cranking the windlass. The trooper screamed in pain.

“I know it hurts, but it’s going to save your life,” I said.

Jesse and I both got our tourniquets secure and the bleeding quickly stopped. I dressed what was left of his legs with two large bacta trauma dressings.

Next, I pulled out a syringe filled with pain medicine.

“This is going to help the pain, but make you sleepy. We’re going to get you out of here. You’re going to be ok,” I assured him. I removed his helmet and his skin was pale, clammy, and cool. His carotid pulse was thready. I pulled the IV kit out and started a like in his jugular vein. This would have been a great time to have blood or plasma, but fluids and bacta would have to suffice.

“Jesse, he’s going to need evaced now or he’s not going to make it.”

“I’ve already called for them to come get him, they finally have a tank in the area and it should be arriving any minute,” he said.

I hadn’t looked up from my patient until now. I wish I hadn’t. A couple meters away laid a trooper that had been completely transected. I continued scanning the area, seeing dead trooper after dead trooper.

My concentration was broken by the sound of moaning. I got up and started searching for the origin. I found a trooper who’s arm had been completely amputated and a large piece of metal debris was crushing his lower half. Judging by the amount of blood on the ground, he was close to exsanguination. I knew there was no saving him. I removed his helmet and was surprised to find he was still semi-conscious. His carotid pulse was barely palpable and his chest rise was short and shallow.

“Help….me...p..p..please,” he pleaded, in between gasps for air.

“I will, don’t worry. It’s going to be ok.”

I pulled out another syringe of pain killer and injected his neck, in hopes of easing his transition to the next world. I removed my helmet so that the last things he would see would not be cold, unfeeling plastoid. I held his head on my lap and gently stroked his hair watching his honey colored eyes struggle to stay open. A few seconds passed and his eyes closed and his chest was still.

I felt a hand under my elbow, pulling me up.

“C’mon, Doc, there’s more of my vod that will need you,” Fives urged in a somber tone.

For hours, Fives, Jesse, and Tup took me from injured trooper to injured trooper, dodging and fighting the clankers and bugs. I was exhausted and covered in blood and dirt and vomit.

“Rex needs us to join up with General Skywalker, he needs help taking down the wall,” Fives said. “It’s going to be tight in that gorge, so you need to keep your head down and stay right beside me.”

“Understood. Let’s go,” I replied.

__________________

General Skywalker’s forces were pinned down in the gorge by the laser blasts coming from numerous guns mounted on an insurmountable wall. It would need to be destroyed so that we could advance and meet the rest of our forces at Point Rain.

We took cover with the General, Commander, and Captain Rex. I was relieved to see that Rex was unharmed.

“Ahsoka and I will go to the top of the wall and destroy it from within. Rex, you and your men keep their attention down here,” General Skywalker ordered.

“Yes, sir!” Rex responded.

Rex came over to me.

“Are you doing ok?” he asked.

“Oh, you know, just living the dream,” I replied with a weak smile as I motioned to the mess on my armor.

“Good, stay here where it’s safe,” he ordered as he left cover to lead his men.

There were so many clones being shot down, but I could not reach them safely.

“Fire on the droids on top of the wall,” came Rex’s order over comm.

I looked out around the rocks I was behind to see General Skywalker and Commander Tano fighting the droids on top of the wall. The Jedi were mesmerizing to watch. I then noticed someone else had joined them. It was Rex.

“Take cover, the wall is about to blow!” He yelled over comms. Then I heard him scream. All I could see was three bodies falling from the top of the wall. The explosives detonated and I quickly took cover. I wondered if Rex had survived the fall.

As the smoke cleared, I noticed there were considerably less laser blasts. I started checking on the wounded troopers. There were very few survivors.

I patched up what injuries I could before we advanced.

After another intense firefight, we finally made it to General Kenobi’s position at Point Rain. The General was injured, but had already been given a bacta injection. I moved on to help load and evacuate the rest of the wounded.

I was kneeling, wrapping a trooper's head wound when I felt a presence behind me. It was Rex. I was relieved to see he was uninjured.

“I know there’s a lot to be done here, but we’re ready to move out and start the direct assault on the factory. We’re going to need you,” he said.

I finished securing the dressing.

“I need to restock my bag, but I’m ready,” I said wearily.

Rex reached out a hand to help me up. I took it, my aching joints thankful for the assistance. He led me over to two lifeless bodies.

Unfortunately, there had been two medics who had not survived. I hesitated next to them momentarily.

“Go ahead and resupply from what they have left. It’s all we have,” Rex said.

I took their supplies and got ready to move out.

_________________________

Unfortunately Rex was right, they did need me. General Skywalker led an assault straight to the front doors of the droid factory, in an effort to distract the droids while Commander Tano and another padawan destroyed the factory from inside. The plan worked, but it left many casualties in its wake.

I worked with the other medics well into the night. We were exhausted by the time the last gunship left.

I shuffled back to camp, in search of somewhere to rest. There were a number of fires with troopers sitting around them. Some groups were boisterous, others somber.

Then I saw him, sitting alone by a fire that was separated from the others. I made my way to Rex.

“This seat taken?” I asked

“Nope, sit down and rest,” he said as he patted the seat next to him. The seat being the ground with rocks to lean on.

“You look awful,” he said as he scrunched his face.

“You don’t look so great yourself,” I quipped.

Rex smirked.

“You’re no longer a shiny after today, but that doesn’t mean you need to be covered in blood and vomit, either,” he retorted.

He took me to the deconn area and helped me scrub away the reminders of the day.

“You had a busy first day.”

“Yes, too busy.”

I put my clean armor on and we returned to the fire. We sat in silence for what seemed like hours, watching the flames dance and listening to the cracking of the fire. I was somewhere between exhausted and unable to sleep. I had seen bad injuries in med bay, but nothing like I’d seen today. I needed time to process everything.

Rex touched my shoulder and I was jolted out of my spaced out state.

“C’mere,” he said, beckoning me to lean up against him. He removed his chest plate so I could rest directly on him and not on plastoid.

I was so tired that I didn’t hesitate. I sat down between his legs and snuggled into his chest. It was definitely better than laying on the ground.

_________________

He watched her stare at the fire blankly for some time. She was no doubt replaying the events of the day. She’d held her own, but he could see it had taken a toll. He knew the feeling all too well.

Rex wanted to comfort her; let her know she wasn’t alone. He wasn’t sure what possessed him, but he offered her to rest with him.

She came to him, laying her head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her. He wondered what it would be like to actually hold her without all the kriffing plastoid between them. She quickly fell asleep.

“Oh, cyar’ika,” he whispered into her hair.

————————————

The faint, pre-dawn light on my face was enough to wake me. I rubbed my eyes, trying to bring the blurry world into focus.

No one else was stirring, but I knew it wouldn’t be long. I thought it best that the Captain wasn’t caught snuggling the medic.

“Rex, Rex wake up,” I said quietly as I gently touched his face. His facial features were striking. His cheeks, chin, and jaw were perfectly defined. I held his face in my hand and ran my thumb over the slight stubble that had grown in.

“Hmmm?” He inquired.

“Rex, it’s nearly dawn, everyone will be awake soon.”

He squeezed me closer.

His voice was still gruff from sleep.

“Kriff. Better not get caught like this,” he rubbed his eyes and we both stood up. “We should be shipping back to the Resolute today. Do you want to, uh, meet me in my quarters later? We can debrief and, uh, have a drink.”

Rex looked a little sheepish, which was funny to me, since most of the time he was a brave, tough, clone.

“Yeah, that would be nice,” I smiled and left to see what needed to be done before departure.

——————————

We were back aboard the Resolute in the early evening, just in time for dinner. I sat with the boys, listening to them discuss how many clankers and bugs they killed. I hadn’t seen Rex since arriving on the ship. He was probably stuck in his quarters working on reports.

“I took out 70!” Fives boasted.

“Yeah? Well I took out at least 100, probably more!” Hardcase stood up and pretended to be firing his rotary blaster cannon.

I was sipping my caf and enjoying the banter.

“Did any of ya bother to ask our new medic how many clankers she took out?” Jesse asked.

“Oh, uh, well, it’s nothing compared to your counts,” I said, waving my hand dismissively.

“Tell us!!!” Hardcase coaxed.

“Ok, I took out...three.”

“Woooo! Hell yeah!” They all started cheering and giving me high fives.

“That’s pretty good for a shiny medic who’s not even trained for combat. Makes my heart proud,” Hardcase sniffled, pretending to wipe a tear.

“Doc ain’t shiny after that battle,” Fives pointed out.

“Sure isn’t. To Doc!” Hardcase said as he raised his glass in a toast.

Everyone followed and raised their glasses.

“To Doc!”

I smiled, raising my cup of caf.

“Welcome to the family, vod,” Fives said, slapping me on the back.

“Thank you, my vod,” I smiled. I knew what an honor it was to be considered one of their vod.

I caught something out of the corner of my eye and looked towards the mess hall entrance to see Rex standing in the hall, just far enough back from the mess entrance so that it was unlikely his men would see him. We made eye contact and he tilted his head, motioning me to come to his quarters. I could feel the butterflies stirring in my stomach.

I pushed back from the table. “Well boys, I’m going to hit the fresher and call it a night.”

————————————

I stopped at my quarters to grab a change of clothes to take with me. I hoped he would be fine with me using his shower. I had become quite attracted to him, but I was afraid if I delayed meeting him, I might lose my nerve.

I made my way to his door and rang the buzzer. He answered the door in just his blacks. I couldn’t help but notice how well they clung to him. It was nothing short of glorious.

“Would you like to come in, or are you going to stand in the hall all night?” He asked, breaking my trance.

“Yes, I’d love to come in. Can I use your shower?”

“You can. I’m going to finish up these reports while you shower.”

His fresher was much bigger and nicer than mine. I took off my armor and my dirty blacks and turned the water on. I was still grimy from the mission and eager to get clean.

The first drop of hot water touched my soul. I didn’t mind being on a mission, but not being able to shower was unpleasant. My hair was caked to my head, tangled, even though it had been braided. Thanks, helmet. The water at my feet ran grimy with dirt, sweat, and blood. I scrubbed until the water ran clean.

I dried off and reached for my clothes. I saw a robe hanging on the wall and changed my mind. My heart was racing and the butterflies returned as I stood there, thinking about wearing Rex’s robe, and only his robe.

“Be bold, you can do this,” I whispered to myself.

I made up my mind and grabbed the robe. It was soft, but not plush. It stopped just below my knees and the sleeves extended to my fingertips. I tied it shut and opened the door.

Rex looked up from his reports with one eyebrow raised. He laid the datapad on the table.

“Would you like a drink?” He asked as he moved to the small liquor cabinet in the corner.

“Yes, please,” I said as I sat down on the couch, knees to the side.

“Whiskey fine? It’s really all I’ve got.”

He handed me the glass and sat down beside me. I swirled the amber liquid and took a sip. There were notes of vanilla, caramel, dark fruit and wood and it finished with a slight spice of pepper.

“This tastes expensive”

“It is, but I thought this evening was the perfect time to share it,” he brought his glass to his lips, slowly sipping. It was then I noticed how the whiskey matched his brown eyes.

His hand was laying in the space between us. I reached my hand out and laid it on his, gently stroking. Rex took my hand and raised it to his lips.

“Come here, mesh’la.”

I straddled his lap. Maker, his cock was already hard beneath me.

He brushed my hair behind my ear and then pulled my face to his, kissing me. His mouth tasted spicy, yet sweet, from the whiskey.

He moaned and thrust his tongue into my mouth as I rocked my hips back and forth against his erection.

Rex loosed the tie at my waist and pushed the robe from my shoulders. He gently moved me into an upright position.

Rex’s eyes trailed up and down my naked body, stopping every so often to linger. His hands moved from my hips to cup my breasts.

“Last night while I was holding you, I tried to imagine how soft and warm you were beneath the cold, hard plastoid.”

His thumbs lazily passed over my nipples, demanding the soft flesh to stand at attention.

“It’s better than I imagined, cyar’ika.” His hands slid down and squeezed my ass.

I pulled his shirt off and ran my hands down his solid chest and abdomen to the waistband of his pants. A deep “V” ran from his hips to somewhere below the waistband. I traced it with my fingers, leaving goosebumps in my wake. I glanced up from my work to make eye contact. He understood my unspoken request and lifted his hips from the couch, sliding the pants down, cock springing free from its confines.

I wrapped my hand around him, admiring the girth. I used my thumb to tease the head as he had teased my nipples. The leaking precum aided my hand in sliding over his length.

I stood, then knelt on the floor between his legs, taking his cock into my mouth. It was rock hard, but the skin was silky. Rex let out a sharp inhale as my tongue flicked against his sensitive head. He squirmed as I took him fully into my mouth, deep into my throat. I cupped his balls and his hands shot to the back of my head, grabbing my hair. He was gentle, but needy, thrusting into my mouth.

After a few minutes he stopped and pulled out.

“My turn, mesh’la.”

He stood and led me to his bed. I laid down on the edge and he quickly pushed my legs apart. His hand slid down to my swollen clit, rubbing slow circles.

“Maker, you’re already soaking wet,” he said as his fingers moved lower, sliding up and down my slit. He thrust one large finger in, causing me to grab the sheets.

“That ok?”

“Yes, it’s…wonderful,” I said breathlessly.

He curled the finger up, easily finding my g-spot. I pushed my hips into the bed. Rex smiled as he lowered his head to my clit. Shockwaves pulsed through me as his tongue licked my clit while his finger pushed and rubbed my g-spot.

“Gonna...cum,” I squeaked out.

He sped up the pace, pushing me over the edge. A white hot warmth ripped through my abdomen and my walls clenched tightly around his finger. He didn’t let up, causing me to orgasm in waves. All I could see were flashes of light behind my clenched eyelids. I reached for his head, looking for something solid to grasp. My fingers clawed, trying to find a hold, but his hair was short. The last wave was more like a tsunami and I squirted onto his chin and into his upturned palm.

“Mmmm,” he moaned.

He slowed his pace and finally stopped, removing his finger from my sensitive slit. He licked my squirt from his hand.

“Maker, I’ve never known anyone to do that,” He complimented, pleased look on his face.

“Takes someone special to make me do it,” I answered.

“Ready for more?”

“Mhhmm.”

He flipped me over onto my stomach and entered from behind. His girth alone nearly made me orgasm again. I took several short breaths in an attempt to hold back. He thrust fully into me and I whimpered.

“Too much, mesh’la?”

“No, just, sensitive. Maker, you fill me up.”

He started thrusting slowly until he was certain I was ready for more. His hands gripped my hips, sliding me forward and back on his thick cock.

The thrusts intensified and the waves of orgasm washed over me again.

“Mmpph,” he groaned behind me, struggling to move against my spasmining.

My orgasm let up and I could feel his thrusts becoming more urgent and sloppy. I pushed my hips down and back repeatedly.

He moaned loudly, filling me with warm cum. Rex leaned on top of me, hands reaching around to hold my dangling breasts. My thighs and midsection were still tingling with aftershocks.

Rex placed a gentle kiss between my shoulder blades and stood, withdrawing his cock. I could fill the hot stickiness of his orgasm dripping out of me. I could see him watching, before he disappeared to the fresher and returned with a towel.

Rex laid down on the bed while I finished cleaning up. I couldn’t help but to stand and stare at him laying there, naked, eyes closed, one arm above his head. He looked like an ancient sculpture of some tragically handsome warrior. I tossed the towel to the side and crawled in beside him.

————————-

I laid with my head on his chest, enjoying the sound of his heart and gentle rise and fall of his chest.

“Bzzzzzz,” came the annoying noise of the doorbell. It was followed by a voice.

“Captain? It’s Fives.”

Rex sighed. Fives was going to be the reason he had a stroke one day.

“I’ll go to the fresher so he doesn’t know I’m here,” I said. It was better to keep things concealed for now.

“Grab my spare pair of blacks out of that drawer so you don’t have to wear your dirty ones,” he said as he pulled on his pants.

I hoped up and grabbed the shirt and pants and headed for the fresher. I couldn’t leave my armor behind, so wearing my personal change of clothes wasn’t an option.

Rex crossed the room to the door, wearing only the lower half of his blacks.

“Yes, Fives?” He sounded slightly annoyed.

“ Have you seen Doc anywhere? One of the men has a shoulder out and was hoping to see her and avoid med bay.”

“Shit,” I whispered. I started getting dressed as quietly as I could.

“Did you check her quarters?” Rex asked.

“Yes, sir, she’s not there, the mess, or med bay. Not answering her comm either.”

“Uh, give me just a minute to get dressed, and we’ll go find her,” Rex said.

————————

Fives waited outside the door while Rex dressed. He smiled and chuckled to himself. Rex was smart, but he’d forgotten to move the second whiskey glass off the table. Fives was certain he knew where she was.

He was proud of his captain. Rex never let himself have fun, and Fives knew he needed it. Fives was just wondering how he’d manage to land her when his own charm in med bay had never won her heart.

Rex came to the door, now fully dressed.

“What’s funny, Fives?” He inquired, squinting his eyes in suspicion .

“Uh, nothing, sir. Let’s go find her”.

——————————————-

As soon as they were gone I dressed at lightning speed. I opened the door and peeked into the hallway. Thankfully it was empty, since it was late at night.

Now, where should I go? My comm flashed and I turned it on. It was Rex and Fives talking.

“Let’s check her quarters, the med bay, the hangar, and the mess again, in that order,” Rex said.

I took that as my sign to make my way to the mess. That would give me enough time to get there, grab some caf, and come up with a story.

The mess was once again empty, which was good as there’d be no one to say I had just come in.

I grabbed a cup of caf and found a comfortable seat, trying to act relaxed.

About five minutes later, Rex and Fives entered the mess.

“Hey guys, want to join me?” I asked, pretending to be surprised to see them.

“Where ya been, Doc? I thought you were headed to the fresher and turning in hours ago?” Fives asked, squinting at me.

“Oh, well I got cleaned up but couldn’t sleep so I went for a walk around the ship and then decided to stop here for some caf.”

“Uh huh,” Fives was not convinced. “I’ve been trying to get you on comms for an hour.”

“Ummm damn thing must have been malfunctioning, I never heard a thing,” I shrugged my shoulders.

Rex decided to interject, before Fives could interrogate me further.

“Fives says one of the men has a shoulder out and wants to see you. Go with him to the barracks and see what you can do,” he ordered.

“Yes, sir.”

I followed the pair to the door. Rex turned to head back to his quarters.

“Sweet dreams, Captain!” Fives said in a sarcastic tone, waving ridiculously.

Rex didn’t even turn, he just held up his middle finger.

I stifled a laugh until he was out of sight and then Fives and I both laughed.

We composed ourselves as we headed towards the barracks.

“So, you and the Captain, eh?” He elbowed me.

“I have no idea what you are talking about? Me and the Captain what??” I tried to sound offended but the heat in my cheeks was giving me away. Fives could see right through me.

“I saw the second glass on the table in his quarters. It’s the only reasonable place you could have been since none of the clones on watch saw you. You and the Captain are bad liars,” he had a sly smile, as if he’d just uncovered a major separatist plot.

I looked down at the floor, embarrassed that I’d been so transparent and that I’d forgot to move the glass.

“It’s no big deal, Doc. I won’t tell anyone your secret. You two don’t need to go to such trouble to hide it. I’m just glad to see the Captain getting some ass!” He laughed and I socked him hard on the shoulder, the pain in my knuckles making me instantly regret my decision.

“Don’t be mad, cyar’ika, it’s all in good fun.”

“I’m not mad, you just deserved it for being a cheeky bastard,” I gave him a sly smile.

“You know you love me,” he grinned from ear to ear as he put his arm around my shoulder.

“So, whose shoulder is out?”

“Tup.”

“And how exactly did he manage that?”

“Hardcase.”

I placed my palm on my face in exasperation. You’d think the battles were enough fighting for them that they wouldn’t need to rough house in the barracks.

We arrived in the barracks to find an injured Tup, sitting on his bunk, guarding the injured left shoulder.

“Ouch, Tup, that’s definitely out of socket,” I observed as I palpated the injury. “Sure you don’t want to do this in med bay with a sedative?” The muscles were spasming and I knew it was extremely painful.

“Nah, I’ll be alright,” he grimaced.

“Ok, will you boys help him lay on the floor, please?”

“I thought a lady would prefer to do it in bed,” Fives quipped.

“Fives, you’re on thin ice,” I joked as I gave him a fake serious look and the “I’m watching you” motion with my fingers. He just laughed, as did his vod.

I worked to manipulate his arm, hoping the shoulder would pop back in with little resistance.

I rotated his arm 90 degrees at the elbow, rotating the shoulder outward as I gently pushed. After several minutes, I felt a pop as the humeral head relocated.

Tup breathed a sigh of relief and sat up. We helped him back onto his bunk.

“Thanks, Doc, that feels a lot better.”

“I’m going to give you a bacta injection to reduce the inflammation. I’m also going to put a sling on that arm tonight to give it time to rest. You should be good as new by tomorrow.”

The clones that had gathered to observe had started to disperse now that the excitement was over.

“Alright, Tup, I think you’re good to go. Try to get some rest, but comm me if you need me. As for the rest of you, try not to get hurt between now and revelry; I’m tired,” I yawned and rubbed my eyes.

I made my way back to my quarters, stripped, and flopped down on my bed. I just closed my eyes when my comm started beeping. I sighed and started to get up, assuming someone needed something.

“Might as well answer and get it over with,” I grumbled as I pressed the answer button.

“Nuhoy pirusti, cyar'ika.”

Sleep well, darling.

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