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igotanidea · 1 year

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Edit : Matt Murdock x fem!avenger!reader

Summary: reader is an avenger who gets shipped with daredevil. And she's familar with all those TikTok videos of them together but made her mission to never let Matt know about them. Even if she would be more than happy to make them reality. It only takes two slightly nosy friends to slip that secret out......

A/N: reader hero name is Shadow. A snippet of her story is here and here.

@somest1 hope you'll enjoy that.

"Matthew."

"Karen." something was definitely on. She never called him by his full name unless she was going to drop him some news that she knew he was not going to like

"Do you know what TikTok is?"

"Vaguely. Is it that app when teenagers do some crazy dance?"

"Crazy dance?" Foggy scoffed "CRAZY dance? You my friend should really get educated on the latest technology news. tiktok is the place where you can express yourself freely, not only by dancing but also by creating edits of the people you know or fictional characters you like....." he started ro rumble, for a while unaware of his friends' shocked face expression." Sorry." only then he realised how he exposed himself "please, continue Karen."

"I'm actually glad for your little lecture, Foggy" she laughed "makes it easier for me to present my case."

"Present your case? You definitely spend to much time with us." Matt smirked "you became a lawyer rather than a journalist."

"It's useful at times." she shrugged "but if it ever were to happen I know Y/N would stop me. She uses a lot of modern words I never knew existed so my vocabulary is expanding in many fields."

"She has to be up to date with that. After all, she runs social networks and is in charge of the PR. No one would be interested in her company if she was using words like "thy" or "thou".

"Speaking of Y/n....."

"What did she do this time.....?" Matt sighed, seemingly annoyed but his ears became just slightly reddened at the tips. "And most importantly, does it have to do with her civil indentity or the Shadow one?"

"A little bit of both I suppose. She's been the object of interest of late."

"What interest?" now Matt was up, not realising that the mere thought of Y/N getting too much attention made his Darevil instict kick in. "I.... I need to stretch my legs...." he awkwardly tried to cover up for the mistake, both Karen and Foggy noticed.

"I didn't mean it like she's in danger or anything like that." Karen scoffed.

"And even if she was, she knows how to handle herself better than Dare...I mean, you, my friend" Foggy added. "She's an avenger after all."

"What is it then?" Matt insisted

"She's a role model for a lot of people. Teenagers. Kids. Who actually use the apps. And they make edits of her. Different edits. And....ships."

"What now?"

"A little edit with a pairing of people who the author believes are good fit." Foggy explained, quickly catching up where Karen was heading with her explanation. Oh, yes, he saw those little videos posted everywhere on the social platforms. I mean, how could he not, they were trending for a couple weeks not.

"Ok. And why exacly are you telling me this? It's not like I can or want to see them." Matt turned away from his friends so they won't see the look on his face. Meaning he actually had something to hide.

"Maybe you would be more interested in the matter if you knew who she's being shipped with....."

"That's her personal bussiness. I have nothing to do with it. Besides, I should be getting back to work, so if you excuse me......" he turned around on his heels and dissappeared in the office, closing the door.

"Foggy?" Karen looked at the other lawyer, silent cry for help in her eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. For a lawyer, he can be one hell of an idiot outside of work not getting the hints. "

***

"Hey gyus!" Y/N peeked through the door to Nelson & Murdock law firm. Clearly she was already done with her civil work for the day and came to check up if her friends were still alive in that office. After all, it was hella late.

"Y/n! How nice to see you. I though you would be on your vigilante shit already." Foggy raised head from the papers he was burried in.

"Hush! Keep it quiet, Fog, will you? Can't risk getting my secret identity out. Besides, there's no threat outside today. I would feel itdue to my .... you know, powers" she waved her hands and a thread of shadow appeared. "And if anything happens, Kate and Peter would call upon me. Those two cannot work together, they are both chaotic....."

"I see." Foggy hummed.

"What?" Y/N frowned, feeling that there was something he was not telling her.

"Nothing!"

"You're one bad liar, Franklin Nelson." the girl sat on the chair on the opposite site of his desk and bored eyes into him "Talk."

"Stop doing this."

"I'm not doing anything."

"And who is a bad liar now, huh?" Foggy bridled "I can feel your.... shadows luring me."

"One thing, Foggy. I don't use them for such petty reasons, all right. I know better than to abuse them. My shadows can be a bit ... moody at times. It;s not a force to play around with. So, cross my heart, I'm not doing anything."

"You try to interrogate me in my own office!"

Y/N sighed deeply and rubbed her forehead.

"It's sad you see it that way, but I understand. Maybe we can have some take out instead. I bought some Chinsese." she motioned towards the huge bag, now sitting on the floor. Only now, Foggy realised the smells coming from the package. And the fact that he has not eaten for like 10 hours.

"You're heaven send."

"The upper might disagree with that."

"Foggy? Did you see the latest.... Oh, hello Y/N" Karen walked right into Foggy's office with the phone in her hands and smile on her face, probably due to the video she was watching.

"What put a grin like that on your face Karen?"

"Nothing."

"You two are in collusion with something, aren't you?" the girl rolled her eyes "fine. keep your secret. I will find it out sooner or later and ...."

"Something smells nice here...."

"And here he is. The third musketeer. Hello, Matt."

"Y/N." he muttered, gaze fixed on the floor like he was trying to avoid any possible contact with her, even if he could not see her "what's the scent?"

"New shampoo, I suppose? Do you like it?" she laughed knowing he had super sensing with things like this. "But seriously, I bought some spring rolls and dim sums. Figured you workaholic forgot about lunch. And probably breakfast. And probably yesterday's lunch."

"Did you bring....?"

"Your favourite noodles? Sure I did, Matty." she smiled and he reciprocated with the brightest smile Karen and Foggy has seen on him for the whole day.

"Shall we then?" Karen moved to sit by the table and her gaze crossed with Foggy's who only smirked knowingly.

***

It's been barely an hour since her arrival at the Nelson and Murdock when she jumped at the signal of her phone.

"Damn it! It's Peter" Y/N cussed

"Peter like that spider guy?" Foggy almost choked on his food "When can I get to meet him?"

"Sorry guys, seems like there is in fact an emergency tonight. And while I would love to stay, someone else I know is desperately needed out in the streets, so rain check?" she schmoozed hoping her friends would understand.

"Just go!" Karen waved her hands, already used to such situations.

"Wait. I'll go with you." Mat stood up as well

"Why?"

"I'm bored. I need some action." he shrugged and she smirked .

"Jealous of me getting more attention than you? You don't want me to steal the spotlight, right?"

"Were you thinking anything else?"

"You're just the devil of hell's kitchen, Matty. A local hero. Are you sure you're not beyond your pay grade, trying to deal with the Avengers?" Y/N raised an eyebrow, clearly trying to spite him.

"Young avengeers" he clarified.

"And that makes you even more out of the league." she smirked

"I see the open spot as a team leader. Maybe I should take that instead."

"Over my dead body, Murdock!"

***

Regardless of their constant bickering, Matt and Y/N made quite a good team. Even if they were both individuals, during the years they knew each other, they learned how the other thought and how to avoid a fracture and internal fights. And as much as they would rather die than admit it out loud, it was nice having backup from time to time. Or someone to tend to your wounds.

Did they trust each other? Yes, on some deeper level that only waited to be discovered.

Were they friends? Well, if you were to ask them that question both of them would say yes, but... something more was lingering. And now, after the fight, when the adrenaline was pumping, hearts beating rapidly and they weren't Matt and Y/N but Darededevil and Shadow, Murdock had less inhibitions about her being at his place, resting and getting patched up. Normally, she would just go back to her place, but this time, his apartment was closer and it was wiser to dissapear from the fight scene faster. She really had no counterarguments to that. So she made sure Peter and Kate made it home safe and now, she was just laying on Matt's couch in shorts and tank top, legs dangling freely over the armrest, fresh dressings on her abdomen and an ice pack on the shoulder.

"I actually had fun this time." she chuckled and Matt frowned.

"Dislocated shoulder and a knife to the stomach is fun for you?"

"Not as much as standing against the Chitauri, but yes, it is."

"Stop bragging, will you?" he rolled his eyes, grabbing her legs and taking a spot on the couch, so that her limbs were now resting on his lap. And it was strangely comforting and .... domestic.

"Bragging? Me? You know I would never. Just pointing out at some past events here."

"How old were you when Loki attacked New York? 5? You were not really fighting!"

"I was 15!" she huffed sitting up "And I was already a SHIELD agent! Where were you, huh? High school? I can absolutely imagine you as an awkward teenager "

"You know what..." Matt started but chiming of her phone stopped him from finishing.

"Ugh! I'm not done with you!" she squirmed and reached for the device checking who has the audacity to interrupt her fight with Matt.

"Who's that?" he asked.

"Why so interested all of a sudden?"

"Someone might have mentioned somethign about you getting attention on..... Tiktok?"

"Yeah, trust me, all the heroes and vigilantes do." she muttered

"You know about it?"

"For crying out loud, Matt." she moved her legs and sat up making him miss the contact "I work with the apps! No matter if I want it or not, I came across some of those videos. Some of them are really, really good, those kids have skills, but I try not to search for them. Sometimes you come across some things you wish you could unsee....." she tensed a bit at some distant memory

"I don't think I will have a problem with that" he smirked and her shoulders relax at the joke.

"I bet! It's Karen by the way, speak of the devil. She send me some link. Might be that thing she was watching in the office that got her smiling like crazy." without any hestitation Y/N opened the link and much to her suprised she was put through TikTok .

"She's spending work time on the Internet? Maybe I should reprimand her ..... Y/N?" he felt the change in the atmosphere when Y/N started the edit.

"Oh, no..... " she whispered muting it immediately so that Matt won't hear the music. Heat waves. Used as a soundtrack to her, i.e. Shadow's ship with Matt, i.e. Daredevil. However she was not fast enough.

Sometimes all I think about it you......

"Damn that fucking device!" she almost threw it across the room.

"What is it?" he asked suddenly getting a lot of mutually inconsistent vibes from her.

"NOTHING!"

"You can't lie to me, you know."

"It's nothing, Matt. Forget it." she exited the site, not wanting to see more and put the phone on the table. "Can we go back to our argument?"

"I....." Matt opened his mouth but once again her phone started to ring.

"Ugh!" Y/N cried and picked up.

"Looks like someone's addicted." Matt teased

"Shut up! Hello? Peter? Did you get home safe? Good. Me? Yeah, I'm fine, I'm hanging at Matt's place. You what? Ok, all right I guess." she covered the phone "he wants to go on speaker. You don;t mind, right?"

"Since when do you care about my opinion?"

"It's your apartment. Even I can respect the host boundaries if...."

"Do it. I like that kid."

"Mr. Daredevil?" Peter's voice came through

"Hey kid. You good?"

" Pretty fine."

"No troubles on the way?"

"No, sir. But I .... um..... Can I say something?"

"Keep it rational, Pete" Y/N rubbed her forehead. Parker was like a youger brother to her, but sometimes he acted like a total teenager. With all the worst things coming from it.

"I've been going through your fanpage, Y/N...."

"My what?" the girl raised her head, eyes widening. She knew about the videos and stuff but fanpage? "I can't remember appointing you the head of my personal PR!"

"Let him talk, Y/n. this is going to be fun" Matt slapped her leg playfully and she stuck her tongue at him.

"Um... thanks, Mr. Murdock. So like I said, I;ve been running....."

"And?" she was getting impatient

"I just gotta ask. Are you two together? Cause there are a lot of comments about how good you would fit and.... Y/N? Mr. Murdock?" poor boy was clearly discouraged by the silnce on the other side.

Fuck..... y/n thought. And to think that mere minutes ago she was fighting that Matt would not hear that song. Now it was out.

"Do they?" Matt dwelled, using his lawyer skills to trick the teen. "what exactly do they say?"

"For example......"

"Ok, this is enough. Thank you for calling Peter, this was extremely enlightening. I'm gonna hang up now, take care"

She disconnected, not sure how to act now. The best way out was probably to shrug it off, but since she was emotional before it might not work. However, being casual was worth a shot.

"Well that was a hell of an evening" she stood up and streched her back, a bit of skin showing. "I think I'm gonna head out to my place."

""Y/n" Matt grabbed her hand and made her spun. "Can you explain?"

"Explain what?" she took a step back but he followed "Peter's tosses? I think he's projecting, I swear I saw him hit his head during the fight and....."

"Did you know?"

"About his mental incapabily and wanton imagination?" she was trying so desperately to cover the heat she felt rising towards her cheeks, heartbeat picking up, hands starting to tremble.

"Y/N." his voice became soft, his touch lingering on her skin "Don't do this....." he brush a strand of hair behind her ear, so damn tenderly it made her shiver.

"Matt, I ......"

"Please, talk to me. Did you know?"

"I did." there was no point lying. He would know.

"Were you ok with that? with those videos? You mentioned seeing something you did not like and ...."

"I never consider any possibility of this becoming real...." she confessed "it was just a fantasty and ....."

"And what about now?' he whispered getting even closer

"Now?" she gulped "did anything change?"

"A lot. Now I know too."

"And?" she asked that question so quietly that it made her doubt if he even heard it.

"You should have told me sooner...." his hands wandered onto her waist pulling her close, slowly, carefully, giving her time and space to back out even if they both knew she wouldn;t do such thing. "Can I?" he brushed his lips over hers.

"Mhm....." she mummbled trembingly.

And when he finally closed the gap between them she wished she told him sooner. The way he was touching her, holding her close to him, kissing her..... It made her feel wanted. Loved. Not just as the Shadow, but as Y/N. She felt all. Happiness, relief, joy, sense of belonging, peace..... And a bit of fear and uncertainty if this was right. But that quickly melted away when he deepened the kiss and her hands instinctively moved towards his hair tugging at the roots making his groan.

"I think I'm gonna have to pay more attention to social sites from now on...." he pulled for air and rested his forehead on hers, one hand cupping her cheek, the other on the small on her back, preventing her from getting to far away.

"shall I remind you, you can't see....?"

"Oh, honey, I can imagine. From what I get that song from before.....?"

"Mhm. It was the soundtrack." she muttered "But you can catch up on it all later. Now, can you kiss me more? Please?"

"Don't need to ask me twice, baby." he smiled and captured her lips in his.

@pinksirensong

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familyvideostevie · 2 years

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Ok, so I just read a post by someone about Steve post season 2 that made me HELLA SAD by steviemunson about how nobody showed for Steve's graduation (sorry tumblr doesn't let me add links which is annoying AF) so can you write something where the reader there for Steve? Like she's been in his grade so they've been friends/friendly/classmates/crushes etc throughout the years and become good friends after season 1 and she becomes his family and he confesses their graduation night?

here it is i finally wrote it! the post this is based on is here -- it's SO sad, so thank you for asking me to try to make it better! love for steve, always <3 | 1.3k, fluff, fem!reader

Steve doesn't actually ask anyone to come to his graduation. He doesn't really know who he'd ask, anyway. It's the same story as usual -- parents out of town, though they left him some crisp hundred dollar bills to celebrate with. Not like he can ask Nancy, either. And as much as he loves the damn kids that's a little much to ask them to come, right? He really just wants to get his diploma and figure out how many stores he can fill out applications for once the mall opens.

You know all of this because Steve tells you everything. It's taken a little while, but now you're close as can be. When he stopped being King Steve he was nicer, kind, even, and Nancy introduced you while they were together, since you were in the same class. So study buddies turned to friendly turned to friends, good enough that when they broke up you still wanted Steve around. And now you're graduating high school and you know everything about him from his old hair routine to his nightmare fuel. And he knows everything about you -- except how you're in love with him.

You never imagined having these feelings for him. But he's the best person you know, so how could you not? You know, more than anything, that Steve needs family and he needs people to stick by him and while he has the kids, you need to make sure that he knows he has you, too. And you'd rather be here for him like this, as his best friend, as his family, than make him have to consider complicating things for the sake of your feelings.

He picks you up early the morning of the ceremony. Your parents are coming later to support both of you, and he knows that the dinner and party they planned for this weekend are for him as much as they are for you. You've told him so every day for the last month.

"It's happening!" you shout as you make your way to his car. "We're done!" He looks real smart in a blue button up that brings out his tan and the green tie you gave him for his birthday as a joke. He's done his hair a little, and his gown is laid out nicely in the back seat. You know that despite his claims that today isn't a big deal, he spent hours figuring out how to steam it last night before he called you and asked for help.

"God," Steve groans. "I can't show up with you." You can tell immediately he's in a teasing mood, so you roll your eyes and wait for the punch line. "You're way too pretty for Hawkins High graduation."

"Har har," you say, cheeks flushing. You'll never tire of how he makes you feel even when he's teasing.

"Get in, prettiest girl in Indiana," he says, shaking his head before winking at you and pulling away from the curb once you're settled.

At the actual ceremony your last name comes before Steve's so you sit a few rows in front of him but you wish he was next to you. Every time you turn around he's already looking, ready to mouth a joke or pull a face. When you walk across the stage you can hear him hollering your name, screaming louder than your entire family.

"That's my best friend!" he shouts. You don't look so you can focus on not tripping, but you can't stop smiling. And when it's Steve's turn, when you hear titters in the crowd of your peers at his name, you stand up and whistle. You know your family is cheering and probably some other people, but you can only see him. He finds you right away as he shakes Principle Higgins's hand, and it feels like you're the only two people on the lawn. The thought that in another life he would be up there with no one to cheer for him breaks your heart.

The rest of the ceremony goes quickly, and before you know it you're throwing your hat in the air and then it's a mess. Students run around hugging each other and finding their families, but you stand where you are because you know Steve is coming for you. And he does. He's always been able to find you in every room, every crowd. Like magnets, he once joked.

"We did it!" you exclaim. Your cheeks hurt from smiling as he wraps you in his arms and lifts you, twirling around just once as you squeal. He's warm and solid and so handsome in his stupid gown.

"All for a piece of paper, huh?" he says, but his eyes are bright and he's grinning. His hair is a mess, so you reach up to fix it. He leans into your touch but his eyes don't leave yours. You know you need to take him to your family where they're waiting with flowers for both of you but being this close to Steve is intoxicating, a luxury you don't allow yourself very much. So you savor it.

"I thought I would hate today," he confesses. The hand not holding his diploma rests on your hip. "But I'm just happy. Not thinking about anything else."

"Me too, Steve," you reply. "Now we get to celebrate!" He ducks his head a little, still smiling as he shakes it. Your palm comes to rest on his chest, waiting for him to pull away. But he doesn't -- instead, he looks back at you and there's a glint in his eyes that makes you think that maybe, just maybe, he's about to say the unthinkable --

"I have to tell you something," he rushes out. "And I...I think it's going to be okay if I do. Because you're you." He tucks his diploma under his arm and quick as a flash his hands are framing your face.

"Steve?" you breathe out.

"I'm in love with you," he says. "I've loved you for months now and you're my best friend and no one is here for me but you and the people who love me because you do." His voice is firm, sure, like he practiced this in the mirror this morning. "I was looking at you from the stage and it was like there wasn't anyone else here and all I could see was you smiling at me and I just --"

"Stevie," you interrupt. He preens at the nickname, jaw snapping shut as his thumbs trace your cheekbones. Maybe it's the pride in your accomplishment, maybe it's the atmosphere of this warm day, but you've just graduated and you have your best friend in your arms and he loves you, so you plow on. "Steve, I'm in love with you."

"Yeah?" He's breathless, looking at you like he can't believe his eyes.

"Yeah," you say, so happy, so in love. "Yeah, I love you." He had to know, clearly he thought so, since he decided to confess on his own. But it's worth it to see the way it transforms his face, his whole body, as he sags with the happy weight of your affection. You can't wait any longer so you surge up to kiss him. You can't touch him as much as you want since you are still holding your diploma but Steve does his best to make up for it -- one warm palm comes to your back, the other moving into your hair. You're both smiling a little too much for it to be a very good kiss, but it's your favorite first kiss ever. And you know there will be many more chances for you to try again.

You can hear your family calling your names so you break off and grab his hand and he shines like the sun. You can hardly tear your eyes away from him and he presses one more quick peck to your mouth before you step into the rest of your lives.

want to be added to my tag list for full-length (non-ask) fics? send me a message and specify for steve, eddie, or both!

reblog, send feedback, requests open, masterlist here!

#steve harrington fluff #steve harrington imagine #steve x reader #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington #steve harrington x fem!reader #steve harrington x you #stranger things fic #stranger things x reader #stranger things imagine #stranger things fanfiction #im not happy w this totally but you have waited a long time!!!#emma's asks #anon ask

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felixisourayofsunshine · 5 months

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I realised that I had this in my drafts for quite some time. Appearantly I forgot to post it. I am gonna modify it and post it now cuz we NEED to talk about this...

Okay so i just watched the interview of the miraculous ladybug writers about the end of season 5............. and my god I am so annoyed right now....

what do you mean that Gabriel was a hero??? as much as i know about a hero, heroes donot go around destroying cities,fighing teenagers,taking advantage of people's vulnerability. That man physically and mentally tortured his own son for years, Yeeted him across Paris, forced his girlfriend to break up with him by emotionally blackmailing her, seperated his son from the girl he loves, and what not. I understand that he was in grief and sorrow due to his wife's death , ok you can turn into villain due to that but that doesn't give to the right to treat your son like this. So what? By sacrificing himself for the wish HE wanted to make he became a hero? What logic is that? Imagine making a statue of a fucking villain which is taller than the heroes'. And the lady in end of the episode was not Emilie but Amelie wtf huh? You are telling me that all those years of being an insignificant character she still remains insignificant? You want me to believe that the terrorist who destroyed not only Paris but traumatized them of life, destroyed teenagers' lives, enslaved his own son for years is a hero? NOT HAPPENING!!

Also they had planned from the beginning that Chat was not gonna be in the final fight with Hawkmoth... Great you proved that to you his character was useless from the start. You guys have been neglecting the poor boy since the very begging , y'all are just too biased towards ladybug. Why name the show Miraculous: Tales of ladybug and Chat Noir just remove his name from the title at his point. Believe me or not Adrien has much more potential as a main character than Mari. I am not hating on her or anything but my girl just doesn't know how to deal with pressure well, and again it's just the product of poor writing done on her. I just hate how biased they are towards Mari that they tend to turn a blind eye at Adrien at times.but you don't even give him enough screen time even though he is supposed to be the main character along with ladybug.

And about their poorly written character.... let's just take Chloe for example, my girl is the most inconsistent character in the show. Till this day they can't decide whether to make her good or bad. She starts as a bad person, then tries to become good, then turns bad again, also team up with Lila (and just WHY would you do that ) and in the end becomes bad again. Choose between good or bad, she is swinging between being good or bad, settle with one thing for goodness' sake.

Also while we are at it let's talk about the poor writing of the show. They just don't know how to execute ideas. Now they mostly rely on timelines all the time.They just think "Oh this idea seems nice but we don't wanna change the show much, ohh don't worry we'll just make it an alternate timeline!! Problem Solved!!!". This is not the right thing to do . They hype us up by showing us something and then in the end they just reverse the timeline.

And how on earth was it Mari's win? In what sense is it the hero's win if the villain reaches his goal? And let's just not talk about the trauma this all gave Mari. She just carries too much burden on her shoulders... Only she knows that the person they are now calling a hero is actually a villain.

And finally, 8 damn years, it's almost been a decade since the show started and we still ain't got no reveal? C'mon if you can't even let the reveal happen in five season then how much longer it will take to reveal themselves? are you even planning to let the damn reveal happen or will just end the show after I don't know how many more seasons without letting them reveal themselves?

#justiceforourcatboy

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cedricsnotdead · 1 month

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Tumblr's fave W.I.T.C.H. (comic) ship poll results are out!

Post with the poll here

There will be a poll with the CARTOON SHIPS soon, and after that we'll take the six most voted of each and have a final poll, but since I'm a comic fan I would like to comment on the results of the comic poll!

First of all, thank you all for voting! I’m always impressed by HOW MANY PEOPLE are around on Tumblr in the W.I.T.C.H. fandom, I don’t know where you are, who you are, what are you doing here, but it’s great that you’re still all out there!

Now here we go with the results - After the cut because it’s gonna be a long one

TARANEE / NIGEL

Yeah, I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s Nigel’s haircut, maybe it’s his brother being more handsome, maybe it’s the trauma given by Taranee’s mom slapping her daughter in front of everyone… But somehow this ship did not click and they received literally zero votes. Maybe next time!

Then before we move on I would like to give some SPECIAL MENTIONS to the pairings that have been voted outside the poll in the tags and those that are only in my head:

THE MYSTERIOUS MERIDIAN BOY / ELYON

I’m SO HAPPY someone remembered him! Who is he? What does he do? Did he go to that ball in the end? Who knows, but he was there, he existed, we saw him once and he has the right to be mentioned in a ship with Elyon

KADMA/HALINOR

I love them, I was never exposed too much to this ship but then I read a fic that was so cute and so hopeful that made me fall in love with them. I need to see them more often on Tumblr!

WILL / CORNELIA

I’ll admit I had never considered that (generally I have a hard time shipping the girls with anyone and even among each other) but then when I was looking for pictures for this post I found this one and I was like… YEAH GO FOR IT you’re probably better for each other than any of the boys

IRMA / WILL; TARANEE / CORNELIA; HAY LIN/CORNELIA; TARANEE/SHEILA

Same as above, I see where you’re all at, never stop shipping!

ENDARNO / LUBA

Our beloved, they don’t have any interaction in the canon, maybe they don’t even know each other, or maybe they did and they hated each other because they had different views on how to train their apprentices on Basiliade, yet we ship them and we stand by it

YARR / HIMERISH

See my vision? Do you see it? No? Ok.

TIBOR / YAN LIN

Life goal: find a man who looks at you like Tibor looks at Yan Lin in that panel

Bonus point for Endarno/Phobos annoyed for being the third wheel

Now back to the poll results, we have:

IRMA/JOEL

Again, I don’t really ship the girls with anyone, but Joel - just like Peter - was in my opinion a chill dude, a good match for Irma, but perhaps more as bros than as a couple. Either way I’m glad they received some votes!

ELYON/CALEB

Their low score was expected, I know they are not very popular, yet they have a special place in my heart. I like that she is like the most powerful person in the universe and he is the brave knight who wants to protect but knows that he is as useful as a concrete parachute because she doesn’t need protection (however I hate that he's shirtless in this panel).

CORNELIA/ELYON

And now imagine a world in which Cornelia and Elyon both ditch Caleb to be together but Elyon doesn’t fire him from being the first knight, imagine the drama in Caleb’s head

CORNELIA/PETER

Yeah - I tend to like Cornelia more with Peter than with Caleb, not because I don’t like Caleb but because I find Peter a nice match, he’s another chill dude, with his feet on the ground, and I find he contrasts well with Cornelia’s status as high-society girl

CEDRIC/PHOBOS

My boys! Look what they’ve done to my boys! 7%!

Ok - a low score was expected here as well, because we all know that if this poll was about the cartoon they would have made everyone else bite the dust.

BUT, life goal 2: find a man who looks at you like cedric does in this panel

WILL / MATT

Ah, the drama. The jealousy. The boyfriend who plays in a boyband. Will/Matt had everything teenagers in the early ‘00 fangirled and thought was the relationship goal. Looking at it now at my dinosaur age, I wish they were both less jealous, especially Will (I mean, being jealous of Orube - an adult woman who doesn’t even consider you unless you’re a broody villain in prison who complains all the time - was a bit too much for me), but overall they are of course a key couple in the comic.

HAY LIN / ERIC

They are so cute, and I wish they had continued their relationship, and that maybe Eric would have come back one day!

And now we enter the TOP 3 with:

IRMA/CORNELIA

They fought really bravely - they've been at the top for a long time yesterday and I was really rooting for them, but unfortunately they got only third place this time. I have always liked their bickering and their dynamic, for me personally more as friends but I can see where you come from and that there could be different development. Well done girls!

CORNELIA/CALEB

Ah, the drama (2). Another key couple of the comic - I’m Italian, you know we voted for them to break up, so it won’t come as a surprise that I did not really enjoy this pairing. I kinda liked that there was something like this in the plot, but for me it had to be something destined to end. I loved their special, though - the art style was amazing and also there was a lot of Metamoor lore that I loved!

CEDRIC / ORUBE

EXCUSE ME

DID THEY REALLY WIN?!

Alright I'll try to stay fair and impartial - I mean, I have an entire blog mostly dedicated to these two tragic casualties so I don't think I need to say much about them except for AAAAAAHHHHH! THEY WON!

With the eyes of today and being a sucker for enemies-to-lovers novels, I wish that they had a proper ETL development and most importantly, that Cedric was given a proper redemption arc (through life, not through death) and that Orube was not just dumped in Kandrakar and made disappear. Lots of coulda, woulda, shoulda. Luckily, there’s fanfiction for that!

But hey, all they lost in the canon they won with this poll - with 19.5% of the votes Cedric and Orube are the most voted comic ship! Once again love wins over poor canon choices!

PS let me sneakily leave here the invite to the Discord server where you can find other Cedric-Orube shippers here

Now stay tuned for the cartoon poll and for the final match!

#w.i.t.c.h.#w.i.t.c.h. cedric #lord cedric #orube #w.i.t.c.h. phobos #elyon brown #w.i.t.c.h. caleb #will vandom #irma lair #taranee cook #cornelia hale #hay lin #polls #ship polls

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pawbeanies · 21 days

Text

tagged by: @emo-mmy !!! hi!!! running around in circles around you thank you for the taggg

im. putting this under a readmore because i realized i like talk so much and then i got embarrassed because this is so long and silly and i go on a billion tangents. tagging games fun though !!!

last song:

covering my face with my sleeve paws i may be silly. lately i am getting into vkei bc beloved people in my life are like "you would like it!!!" and i DO !!! this specific song is actually a cover of the op of the 80s rose of versailles anime which like is in itself a whole other fun thing to talk about because of its like influence but like OK its a good somg. its a good cover. lareine is no longer together but like the members have gone on to do other stuff !!!!

favorite color: pink and blue !! i am indecisive and it swaps... but i like those the most

currently watching: sara z's video on dear evan hansen!! for some reason. my yt algorithm is like all musical theatre videos. or episodes of kitchen nightmares. i don't even think i'm all that into theatre but i like listening to people who know more tear into it

last movie: i was like in agony trying to remember what the last movie i watched was and then i remembered. its twilight. it was twilight. im on a vampire kick right now it seems (but also it was like at a friends house and i was only half watching because they brought their pet rabbit out to hang out with us and i was playing with it the whole time and it was BITING ME !!!!) (but also i was like locked in for the baseball scene. the best scene in all of cinema.)

sweet/spicy/savory: cruel i cannot choose one... trapped between sweet and savory because while i love spicy things i cannot handle them ...... i feel like i like sweet things sliiightly more but. hmhm. like when you eat too many sweet things you end up wanting something savory yknow .....

relationship status: single ........... there is an obvious reason why i think you can tell from my posting (its that im annoying and do not shut the fuck up .........)

current obsession: unfortunately the vampire book series i have been like talking about so much, silver under nightfall and its sequel court of wanderers !! i am thinking of what i wouldve done differently in the sequel fkskfksf (also coming to the horrid realization that they were like setting up pegging but i dont think my guys ever got pegged. whats the point. truly. heres my editors notes. why didnt the main character get pegged? like theres so many things that were set up and mentioned and that didnt come to fruition and thats not my only critique its not JUST about pegging. but the lack of pegging is like representative of many of the issues i have with the book. why didnt he get pegged. they bring it up MULTIPLE times and yet we never saw the strap. they describe it in universe as being "shafted" and YEAH i certainly feel shafted !!! i need answers!!!!!!!! im OPENING my googledocs and writing the fic where he gets pegged !!!!!) this will like pass in a couple days im sure. i think. i hope

um also my fun game blorbos i think. yah

last thing i googled: "pin feathers" like the kind that birds have !! i dont remember the context anymore but they're like. developing feathers on a bird and sometimes they have BLOOD in them and then they are called blood feathers isnt that cool... i wish i was a bird

tagging: not tagging anyone in particular because i'm nervous about tagging people fksjkf BUT if you see this and you wanna do it please pretend like i am !!! tagging you !!! do these !!!!!!!! im tagging you in spirit if you want to do these. tagging you with. my mind. yipee

#pawbeanies lore #tag games #hiiii i love TALKING and going on 29000000 tangents. sorry

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mamaestapa · 2 months

Note

this isn’t hate so don’t take it as such but it’s really confusing seeing you have one foot in, one foot out of the fandom and then getting mad when people don’t follow or understand where you’re at

I don’t read everything you post, I’m not on tumblr often but i saw you said you’re not writing for joe rn (completely fine and valid) but you answered an ask the other day about how much of a dream it would be to have him fall in love with you (when anon said you looked like liv) AND hes still your profile pic and username. I understand the username is effort to change but he is still all over your blog and some days it seems like you’re in a good mood to talk about him and the next you’re so done and it’s just really confusing at this point. if you’re done with him, that’s fine, just pls say so bc it’s confusing when you’re like “u never know!” but also “im not in a joe mood rn” but also “I’d love him to fall in love with me and that would be a dream” and then get mad when we send asks like I genuinely just don’t understand if you love or hate him? you’ve kinda given the impression of both and it’s fine either way but pls just be clear bc it seems like we’re pissing you off but you’re not clear on where you stand and idgi cjdjdmd i thought you were done with him but then I saw the liv ask where u said it would be a dream for him to fall in love with u, so I thought ‘ok ur not writing for him, but you still like him and wanna talk ab him’, and he’s ur prof pic and stuff so I was like ok safe assumption, but then it seemed like u got mad when I sent u a tweet so im just confused fjfjffjd

i hope you understand this isn’t hate and i genuinely love your blog. i just think being clear would be helpful and if ur rlly done with him, even just for now, being straight up would be better than saying youd love him to fall in love w u and then basically telling us to shut up ab him the next day bc ur in ur hockey era rn 😭

sending this with love! once again not hate just don’t like being chastised

“this is the only ask i’ll answer regarding this. “

felt like I was being told off by a teacher in school when I just didn’t know bc u said he’s your favourite last week and some other positive things the other day😭

🤍

i don’t really know how to answer this lol. first of all, i’m not mad at anyone. i just get a little annoyed.

i want to start by saying, i don’t hate joe. i hate what the joe community on tumblr has turned into. you can’t post anything anymore without receiving hate or some sort of comment that isnt so nice. it’s frustrating to see so many good blogs and genuinely nice people receive hate because of the things they post.

we’re all on here just trying to have fun and post positive things about our favorites!

i do not expect you to read every single thing i post on here. i don’t expect that out of anyone that reads my stuff or follows me.

yes, joe absolutely is all over my blog. i’m a fan of his, i write for him, he has been my blog for a whole year now. i don’t mind receiving asks about joe, literally at all. when it comes to his personal life and what he’s doing though…it’s different.

i didn’t create my blog to talk about or speculate anything about joes personal life/life outside of football. i made this blog to write about, see pics of, and meet other people who shared a love for him and the sport too. all this community has turned into the last few months has been drama and speculation which is NOT what im here for.

i’ve moved onto hockey because football wasn’t my interest anymore and that’s okay. i didn’t say to shut up about joe, you absolutely can talk about him. i simply just said i’ve moved on.

i get a little frustrated when i get asks about when in writing fics or updating for him because i’ve said multiple times that im taking a step back and taking a break from writing about joe. am i not allowed to be a fan and say i love him without him being the focus of my blog anymore? lol.

i didn’t mean to “chastise” anyone, i just was simply saying i’m not going to answer anymore asks about what the tweet was about because it’s ALL over tumblr right now. many blogs are receiving hate, talking about the subject, etc. and i just don’t want to be apart of that. i did not create my blog to talk about his personal life or have any drama.

i’ve stopped writing about joe because of what the community has become. he has nothing to do with it.

i appreciate you being honest with me on how you feel about my blog and my approach with this! i didn’t mean to come off the way i did when i answered your ask about the tweet, i just didn’t want to contribute to the conversation anymore and make it a bigger deal than it already is.

with that being said, it’s been great on here with yall but i’m stepping away from the “joemunity”. thanks for being so amazing🤍

#asks #joey b asks #joe burrow

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thewulf · 11 months

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Hey my dear. I'm so in love with your stories. Thanks for making soooo gorgeous stories out of my two requests. Well I already threatened you that I've got a lot of story ideas and now I'm brave enough to send you another request 😇 but let me know if you don't like it😉 as I said one to many times I'm a sucker for hurt fics, but also friends to lovers, I know it's a trope that's a lot of written about but I can't help myself.

Bradley's longterm best friend (they know each other as long as they can think) moves to fightertown, now that her best friend Brad is permanently stationed there and she finished University. She is happy that she finally has her best friend near her, after her mom died and her step dad takes out his anger on her (both physically and mentally) there was nothing in her hometown keeping her from moving away. Bradley couldn't be happier to have her near her and be able to protect her (he doesn't know that her step dad was an abusive asshole). The whole squad welcomes her and she's finally living a happy life. But being with Bradley, old feelings bubbling up inside her. And also Bradley's long buried feelings for his best friend are visiting him. (soorry it's the typical pining best friends to lovers but I have a bit of drama and angst on the way). The whole squad notice their hidden feelings, from being Brad a little bit too protective and her being always near him seeking his safety. As Jake once more is trying to convince Bradley to admit his feelings he makes a very bad decision. He flirts with the first woman at the Hard Deck just to keep a little distance to his best friend and when a guy hits on her during a night out Bradley convinces her to date the stranger. Despite Jake who says thats a bad idea cause these guy is a creep she gives him her number. (of course her heart is broken that Bradley so easily tells her to date a guy). The date goes terribly wrong when the guy gets handsy... He spikes her drink. She notices that something is wrong, in her drugged state she tries to flee and alert Brad but he doesn't pick up his phone. One last try she calls Jake who picks up, but the guy follows her into the parking lot catching her on the phone. He gets aggressive and beats her up. On the other end Jake hears the commotion and her screams and whimpers for help. Instantly alerting Brad.....

Soooorry it's as always way to long. So I don't fill the spot from the guys driving to the parking lot to finding and her bringing her to the hospital. But maybe at the hospital when the doctor tells Bradley her condition he also tells him that she has some old fractures in her ribs, arms etc. and asks if she has a history with domestic abuse....so her step dad story is revealed.

You know I'm living for hurt and sick fics, so maybe if you like you can add some details, like she suffers from asthma and having panic attacks because of the harassment of her step dad?! So we can see some protective Bradley and Daggers?

I hate myself for annoying you with this loooong request, I am so sorry.

I hope you doing ok. Send you love =) 🤍🤓

Ahhh hello again! You always give the best requests!! I love a good beat friends to lovers trope! I also haven’t given Bradley a fair shake, tend to write more Jake than Bradley so I’m def going to have fun with this one!!

I’ll probably make the hurt scene a little more PG and might change a few things around that so it’s not graphic or uncomfortable to people!

I’ve got two requests ahead of this one but I’ll def get right on it once the other two are done :)

I’m back from family vacation on Monday so I’m hoping to start cranking these out after that! Might be about two weeks after editing and making sure it’s good enough to post :)

I’ll make sure to tag you as well!!

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iliiuan · 9 months

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I'm going to make a running list of things that make little to no sense in A Memory of Light. Things that unleash fury in my heart.

So far, I've got:

The Dragon's Peace

No really. This treaty is such nonsense I can't even articulate fully how bad it is. Add on top that Rand saved two thrones for his girlfriend and then turns around and says "No one get greedy now! Only one country per ruler!" Just gross.

Elayne running the Last Battle

Excuse me, what? She has zero experience. Again with the favoring your girlfriend nonsense. (From a character standpoint, she does make sense, being the skilled diplomat. But she's presented as war leader, which is not really her skill.) Anyways, it should have been Mat, obviously, but Sanderson couldn't manage that one simple plot point.

Ok, now she's in the Braem Wood being a pest because she can't believe the capabilities of the Two Rivers archers. WHY IS SHE EVEN THERE? She should be at the central command post, not running sorties on one of the battle fronts. What a complete disregard for chain of command.

Everyone deciding that Caemlyn absolutely must be rescued

I... don't get it. It's lost. It's far south, providing a magnificent distraction to the Shadow. Set up a kill net around the city, like whatever Rand had used on the Waygate in Shadar Logoth. Trollocs leave the city, trollocs get dead.

Perrin saying that there's no way to destroy the Waygate

Um, excuse me, were you not paying attention AT ALL to Loial's lectures? You remove both Avendesora leaves. Like what is even going on here.

Rhuarc and Amys insisting that the Aiel can do whatever the fuck they want at Shayol Ghul.

They just signed the Dragon's Peace and agreed that Elayne would lead. There is no way under ji'e'toh that they would immediately ignore their pledge.

Not inviting Seanchan and Shara to the party

Yes, I'm still bitter that not a single Aes Sedai thought to go check on Shara.

Also, Tuon definitely should have been there. My need for thoroughness and consistency demands it.

The numbers don't seem right

I haven't done the math, but there seem to be too many trollocs (where was there space for so many? And what did they eat?) and too many armies of the Dark, with a very small showing of forces for the Light. And then the small matter of so many channelers being turned. Like, I get that it would be a difficult war to win, but the numbers seem really skewed to me.

The Horn of Valere

Rand really didn't put together that Mat wasn't bound any longer? (Maybe not, ok ok, but still seems like he would have pondered it more.) Egwene really went to the Field of Merrilor to prepare for The Last Battle and didn't bother to bring the Horn of Valere with her? What level of unprepared bullshit is going on over here?

The Ogier

The world doesn't have enough food, so the most important thing the ogier can do is... fight? NO. Sure, send the warriors out, but have the rest sing food to life. I just. What a waste. (And a rather large lack of creativity.)

Pevara and Androl

An Aes Sedai (you know, the women who perfected the art of not responding to emotion) who's been alive over a hundred years (so she's definitely practiced) and is in the Red Ajah (you know, the Ajah that oddly doesn't have Warders), in a moment of panic, bonds a man who can channel.

I also was annoyed on my first read by having these randos all of a sudden occupying a rather large portion of the pov. After 14 books with a rather breathtaking cast, why are we exploring new people? I don't get it.

Cannon Misuse

They lined 100 cannons in four ranks across a road. That's 25 cannons across. That many cannons *might* fit across the monstrous 14 lane freeway behind my neighborhood. Maybe. That's *way* too many cannons for a forest road to nowhere.

Perrin Hesitating

You know, we finally have Rand being rational about female combatants, and now Perrin is hesitating over a fucking Forsaken? He didn't hesitate over the Shaido, so I'm calling bullshit. He would have taken Hessalam out immediately. Moonhunter maybe not, because he didn't put together who she was until it was obvious she was helping him. But going after Heartseeker is like starting a hunt, and my boy would NOT squirm just because she's a woman.

Dreamwalkers Abandon the Dream

The Aiel Wise Ones, for all their bluster, turn out to be neither particularly wise, nor particularly brave. "Ooh, the Dream is so scary now! We better stay away!" Meanwhile, the Forsaken continue to roam. Did they ever even consider hunting their enemy? Did they even notice the purple domes? Do they care at all about anything beyond the end of their noses?

And Egwene isn't any better. Instead of being on a battlefield pretending to be a warrior, she should have been in the Dream, hunting with Perrin.

The whole thing was really disappointing.

Gareth Bryne

How, exactly, is Graendal able to compel Gareth when he's Siuan's Warder and they're always together? She should have been noticed and rebuffed.

Plot Lag

Yes, it's a problem through the entire series, but The Last *Battle* ended up being a book and a half political mess plus lots of blood and gore. The whole Black Tower debacle? Should have been resolved already. Perrin hunting Slayer? Should have been resolved early, so that he's leading the Hunt as Rand *enters* Shayol Ghul. Mat getting fitted with Seanchan attire? Should have happened instead of sitting in Caemlyn for a month, because there's no way that letter doesn't just fall open after a few days, bellowing smoke and yelling that trollocs are about to invade.

Moiraine

She is constantly expressing emotions. This is not my Moiraine. What alien did the Finn return to us?

She's also back to giving really bad advice. I thought she had grown out of that? Le sigh

Story Imbalance

I sincerely thought that the war part would be maybe a third of the book, and then we'd get into the aftermath. I guess I was naive.

The Last Battle

Who the fuck approved a chapter over 150 pages long? WHO? Absolute insanity.

#wheel of time #wot spoilers #a memory of light spoilers

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angelsdean · 1 year

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like, i get that some people are upset that dean is still in heaven but, it wasn't really a shock to me at all ?? sure i clowned a bit w/ the 'time traveling aliveboy dean' stuff but they literally said before the show even started that dean was on a "hiatus" from heaven and that was always in the back of my mind thru out my clowning. and it really was a hiatus from heaven ! it all took place in the heaven drive time gap as like a finale coda (and what a huge time gap that is to fill. there's still so much they can do w/ that bit of time alone imo). we also don't know how much jensen + robbie were allowed to change, there may have been stipulations w/ spnwin to not change the heaven finale, something that might have to wait for a reboot / continuation of spn prime.

but regardless, crucially ??? what spnwin did is it completely recontexualized dean's ending. i said this in the tags of this post but i'll say it again: the spn finale said. ok dean's dead. he waits for sam. and that's it. spnwin said. no actually !!! he's not accepting that peace !! he's not waiting around for sam !! and giving dean back that agency is important to me. giving dean back the ability to make his own choices and want things for himself is important to me.

and i know some people are doubtful that we'll get a s2 of spnwin, meaning dean's story would end here, on him being unhappy in heaven. but personally, i don't think it matters if we get a s2. i think jensen is Not done with dean or the spn prime story. he's said before that spnwin is only one of many stories he wants to explore in the spn universe. also, after that answer he gave recently at jibcon re: a destiel reunion, i think he def wants more spn ("hopefully we get to see that at some point / i'm sure it would go how we all think it would go" and dean wanting to talk abt the confession)

i think even if we don't get a s2, everything that spnwin established re: dean's story will be the foundation for that reboot / mini series they're always talking about. personally, i Don't think we'll see dean again if there is a s2. (tho we may hear him in voiceovers as they read his journal and use it as a guide. and we may learn more abt dean and his journey this way). overall, i think dean helped establish this story and these characters, but moving forward it will be focused on them and not dean (tho we will see familiar spn faces, and maybe they will get involved in the multiverse too and visit the main spn universe, who knows?)

i think we needed what spnwin gave us re: dean's story not being over, dean unhappy in heaven, dean still searching more, (hints about jack possibly being "off" too / chuck won theory...) as a foundation for future stories in the main spn universe post-15x20. we want to see dean bust out of heaven and find happiness right? well, the seeds for that have been planted. and i knowww that's asking for optimism and faith that we WILL see a continuation in the future, and i get that some people are just doubtful and hopeless, but i really think we will see a continuation in the (maybe not so distant) future. and imo having this foundation to work off w/ dean's recontextualized time in heaven is important for all the things we want to see in a continuation.

and like, even tho i'm annoyed that ppl think his 'ending' now is worse than it was in 15x20, i don't think it's wrong to feel upset, because if that really were where it ended for dean i wouldn't be happy either. but for me the thing is i really really do Not think this is it for dean. i don't think jensen will be satisfied w/ dean staying dead in heaven forever. it completely goes against the thesis of the show, and dean's personal desire for freedom over peace in 'paradise.' and after everything jensen said abt dean + cas reuniting, i think there's a lot of unresolved things in spn that he wants to address, and he'll keep trying to make more spn until we get a better ending for all these characters (bc lbr, sam's ending also sucked. we never saw cas again and all he got was a throwaway line in the finale. jack deserves better too. they all do).

#writing my little essays jsdkfd #vic.txt #long post

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dre6ming · 2 years

Text

The delicate beginning rush

Chapter V ~ Torn

Masterlist

Chapter IV ~ decode

Chapter VI ~ my darling

Instagram photo dump masterlist

To be added to the tag click here

Pairing: Austin Butler x singer/actress fem reader

Warning: age gap, fluff, cursing, angst … that’s all

Word count: ~7030

Plot: after a perfect day with Austin that arises many questions not only within the public, but within yourself, you feel torn. Torn between two people, as your heart seems to be more malleable than expected

Disclaimer: everything I write is fake and should be read as such. <except for the songs I reference>

"(Y/n)..." I groan in my sleep cuddling my face further into the pillow. "Wake up, we fell asleep." A hand smooths down my back, shaking me awake. As my brain finally catches up to what's happening, my eyes fly open and I jerk up. We fell asleep, we, me and Austin. Austin and me. Alone. "Easy." He's voice is soft, calm. The room is dark, meaning we've been sleeping for a few hours now, since it was daylight when we got here. I can see the sparkle of his blue eyes in the moonlight coming through the huge windows, barley being able to make out his features in the dim light. "I'm sorry" Austin smiles shaking his head, causing my body to relax a bit, but I'm still on high alert.

Looking around for my phone , I get it out of my purse, that was laying on the ground. Quickly opening the home app and turning on the lights, causing the both of us to squint our eyes in an attempt to get used to the bright room. Austin looks heavenly, with his eyes still a bit sleepy and hair disheveled. "I'm sorry." I say again, looking at my lap and fiddling with my fingers, picking at the skin there, a bad habit of mine.

He takes my hands in his, stopping my assault on my poor fingers and forcing me to look at him. "Hey, it's ok, as long as you feel better, all's good" I nod sighing at the memory of what brought us here. "I should've just taken the stupid picture with him." I say, thinking I could've easily done that and spared myself a lot of trouble. "No, you shouldn't have, people need to understand boundaries, you were nice and offered to sign something instead, he was the dick. Excuse my language." I giggle at the fact that he just excused himself for cursing. "It's ok. Yeah I guess you're right, but still." Shrugging my shoulders, I move my eyes from his face to my lap, where our hands are intertwined.

"No, stop that, it wasn't your fault and he should've been more respectful. What a perv, that's not the way you talk to a girl, to anyone for that matter." Austin is visibly still annoyed by the dude's behavior and that somehow gets my heart to pick up, beating faster in my chest. I don't know why, but seeing him care like this, just make me feel a certain type of way. Cared for? Protected? Maybe, I guess. Ugh I try to keep my mind straight and find parallels between him and Timmy, forcing myself to draw a line between friends and something more, because I know it's all in my head. I know he couldn't possibly find me attractive and even if he did, there's still so many reasons why this is wrong.

"He wasn't lying tho. About the pictures. They were for the movie. Um ... in the book, Amelia is challenged by this group of girls to take pictures of herself in lingerie and post them online. I agreed to them back then, but I'm starting to regret it now. People are sick in the head." He listens to me talk as his warm callused fingers draw circles over my hands. "Doesn't matter the context of the photos. Dude was way out of line." Austin assures me. I know that, I do. When I first took the pictures, that was the first time I saw myself a sensual person, the pictures looked good, nothing too exposing and I was beautiful in them. It's awful that the dirty mind of others had to tint that for me. The photos never bothered me, it was other people seeing them, that got me stressing out.

I look over at the clock on the wall, seeing it's 8:40 pm, late, but not too late. "Um do you want dinner or something? Or if you want to go I can call my driver to come take you back to your hotel." Was asking him to stay for dinner again, too much? Am I being inappropriate? Ugh I wish this was easier, but it's not. I don't even want to think about all the gossip that's probably going around. I'm sure if I opened my instagram right now, I'd be bombarded with pictures and comments. "Sure, if it's ok with you, I can stay for dinner." Austin answers, leaving me completely clueless about what this thing between us is supposed to be and when too much is too much.

"Ok, we can order something, what do you want?" I ask as I take my hands out of his and fight the urge to wince at the cold air hitting my skin once out of his flaming hot hands. "I'm fine with whatever, maybe we can do pizza? Or if you don't feel like ordering what would you say to some grilled cheese sandwiches?" He suggests.

"Damn I think I'd kill for one right now, Timmy makes the best" Austin giggles at me, brushing his hair back with his hands. As I move around on the couch, I notice his jacket still hanging over me like a blanket. "Well then I'll take that as a challenge. Can I?" He asks pointing in the direction of the kitchen and I nod biting my lip to stop the cheeky smile making it's way onto my face. I swear I'm acting so strange around him, almost like all the filters I usually put up in order to seem a bit more tame are just crumbling with him. And don't take this like I'm usually faking how I act or shit, but usually when I meet new people I'm more reserved and anxious, shy even, but there has almost been none of that with him. It's like we've known each other for a life time now, old friends.

Austin gets up from the couch and I do the same, taking my phone and following him into the kitchen, where he starts looking through the fridge, taking out everything he needs. I go over to the cabinet where I keep the cat food and fill their bowls, the two little angles coming to feast. "Good boys" I praise them petting their soft fur, feeling the vibrations of their purring.

Sitting down at the kitchen island, I watch as Austin moves gracefully around the place, preparing the food. He looks so in his element, it's clear that his passionate about cooking. Opening my phone I can't fight the urge to go on instagram, immediately seeing the thousands of posts about me and Austin. Pictures of me and him walking, laughing and eating. We look so good together. 'Oh my god, stop that' I scold myself, rolling my eyes at how delusional I can be. I also make the mistake to look at the comments. 90% of them are calling him a cheater and me shameless, for going after another girls boyfriend. That's actually the first time in a long while that I think of Kaia. My hands start sweating profusely and I swallow trying to make the sudden tightness in my throat go away.

"Everything ok?" Austin asks taking me out of my thoughts. I clear my throat and lick my lips, avoiding the way his eyes linger over them. "Austin does Kaia know that you're here?" I don't know how her knowing would change much, I guess in the end it would ease my mind a bit. And all that matters is that us three know the truth, that nothing is going on, the rest, can and will be ignored. He looks at me with a puzzled look, like he doesn't see my question relevant. "Yeah she does, I guess, I don't know, we don't tell each other everything."

What am I supposed to gather from that? Like what am I to make of him saying things like that? Pointing to his relationship being fake or at most not serious. It's not new or unheard of, PR stunts like this, but still. "Why?" He follows, curious to see why I'd bring that up now. "Because we were photographed together, alone, for a second time. I know it's nothing, but I don't want Kaia to get the wrong impression." He's cutting up some cheese to put in the sandwich as I speak.

"We're just friends, she knows and we don't keep tabs on each other." I nod, just friends, but the way his tone sounds - defensive, almost worries me and I can't stop the words before they come out of my mouth. "Are you two PR?" He whips his head up, looking at me and I avert my eyes. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to assume, but it's just the way you talk about the whole thing-" he sighs, stopping me mid rambling. I look at him. "We are, but I want you to know I was against it. I believe relationships are sacred and this is just..." he pauses a second. "Just not that."

Ok I don't know what to say, what am I supposed to say? I can't say I'm sorry. He works on the food as silence fills the kitchen, tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. I look at my phone, trying to occupy myself with something and I see the texts from Timmy, he must of seen the pictures as well.

Timmy💝:

Hey, today went great, I'm pretty tired so I'll probably be out cold for the rest of the day, call me tomorrow when you wake.

I smile happy to hear that his work was going great and relieved that he hasn't seen the photos yet. "Please say something!" I look up at Austin, who's eyes watch me back pleading. My mouth opens and closes, not sure what to say. Looking down he turns around to face the stove and puts the sandwiches in the pan, to cook. "I don't think less of you Austin, it's not even my business to know the insides of your relationship. I talked before thinking." He turns back at me, prompting himself on his hands, that are balled into tight fists against the black marble of the counter. "I'm not used to being the talk of everything. I knew when I got the role, it'll be like this, I almost wished I didn't get it, because of how afraid I was of all this. Then my team goes completely nuts and they have me do all these things, to arouse interest. I ruined my 10 year old relationship because of this." He stops to flip the sandwiches, quickly turning to face me.

"She, Vanessa, she tried to tell me, that it'll all get too much, that I should be cautious, but I got angry with her and we started bickering and then I was in Australia filming and we decided maybe a break would help. The next thing I know it's been months since talking and then they come to me with this." I get up and move over to him, hugging him, as he rests his head on top of mine. Austin relaxes, moving his arms to hug me back.

We hug for a while, but he takes one of his arms away at one point to turn off the stove, so the food doesn't burn. From where I'm sitting with my cheek against the soft fabric of his denim shirt, I can hear his strong heart beating and I can feel each breath he takes. "I understand how overwhelming it all can be, I'm lucky to be working with a team that understands my boundaries, but still I'm young and still at the beginning, so in the future who knows, what prepositions they might make. You are an incredible person, I can tell. I'm sure if you would take the time to apologize to her she'll understand."

"You have no idea how good it feels to have someone know about this, I haven't told anyone, I don't know why I told you, but I trust you. Feels like I've known you a lifetime." Austin's voice is low and it sends shivers down my spine as his words seep into my heart, warming it. My insides feel light and my mind cloudy, the proximity of him, suddenly being too much. The way he smells, like oranges and cloves, the way his muscles flex around me, the way his breath fans over the hair on top of my head, the way his chin rests on my head. Everything, everything is all too much. My brain can barely form coherent thoughts, in order to force me to keep my feet on the ground. I wish I could explain everything to myself, so that maybe I could find a way to deal with all these emotions. There's a magnetic field around Austin, something so enticing and scary at the same time, but the electric current cursing through my body when I'm close to him is addicting. Dangerously addicting. "Would it be weird if I said that I feel the same?" I ask cautious.

Austin's arms tighten around me, in a silent way of saying 'No, it's not'. "I don't think she wants my forgiveness and I don't know what that would do for us, she's with someone else and I no longer think of her like that. I still love her, I do, but not the same way I used to." I pull away an inch so I can look up at him, sparkling blue eyes, staring into mine.

"But wouldn't you feel better knowing that you did right by her?" He seems to think over what I just said. "I guess you're right, I owe her that and myself a bit." We break apart and I go to take out two plates for us to eat on. He places the sandwiches on each pate and we grab them, moving over to the living room. As I sit down on the couch I notice his eyes looking somewhere behind me and following his gaze my eyes land on my guitar. "I've had it since I was 8, I saved up money for it and bought it second hand. A few years ago I had it taken into a shop to be reconditioned, but I specifically asked for my Hannah Montana stickers to stay on, so they put something over them to preserve them."

Austin chuckles lightly at me talking about my old guitar. I put the plate down on the coffee table and get up to pick up the guitar. "Play something, can I hear an original?" He asks. I'm a bit reluctant about sharing any of my songs before the album is completely done, but I guess I could make an exception for him. "Ok, but you haven't heard anything, got it? Otherwise..." I motion slicing my throat and he laughs, at my silliness.

I touch the cords with the pads of my fingers and play an easy progression, trying to buy time to about which song I want to play him. "There was a time, when I was alone, with nowhere to go and no place to call home..." my voice sings as I close my eyes, getting lost in the meaning of the song. "Lost boy" is a sweet song I wrote drawing inspiration form the story of Peter Pan and how when I was young I used to dream of going to Neverland, thinking there I wouldn't feel so alone. "...I am a lost boy, from Neverland, usually hanging out with Peter Pan." I keep going.

The feeling of loneliness is one I've grown to know to be a good friend, always my companion. No matter how many people I surround myself with, there are few times I don't feel alone. So far not much has been able to push that feeling away, not Timmy, not Roxanne, not my cats, not my therapist, who I'm definitely overpaying. "...And lost boys, like me are free" sighing I finish the song and put the guitar next to me on the couch.

"You wrote that?" I nod my head, taking a small bite of the sandwich, enjoying the savory taste of it, it has the perfect amount of cheese. "It's beautiful, but it seems so sad." I can read the pity in Austin's voice, but I push that away, trying not to get caught up. "Yeah, I guess... but just, I don't know." I don't know how to explain myself, because no matter how close I feel to him, he's still just a stranger to me. "You don't need to explain, I get it, kind of." A weak smile makes it's way onto my lips, as he gestures assuring me, there's no need to explain myself.

We sit in silence, eating and when we're done, he takes the plates to the kitchen, to put them in the dishwasher. By now 10pm is rolling around and I know he has to leave soon, but I kind of wish this day would never end. As Austin comes back, I move over to my huge record collection to place my latest acquisitions. "Are you busy tomorrow?" Austin asks, making me whip my head around quickly. "Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't think we'll get to see each other before you leave New York, I have lots to do." He nods sitting down.

"Well I guess I should go, it was nice spending time with you. Let's keep in touch?" Austin proposes. I know I should probably say 'sure, why not' just so I could ghost him and move on, but my tongue moves before my brain gets a chance to fight it. "Yeah, of course. Um come on, I'll walk you out." He smiles brightly at me and we walk over to the door.

I wait for him to put his shoes back on and then his jacket. One of his long fingers pushes the call button for the elevator. As we wait, he looks me over, from head to toe and just before the ding of the elevator is heard, he opens his mouth to say something, but he never does. Instead he comes closer and kisses my cheek. Austin's plush pink lips, warm and wet against my skin. I'm frozen, moving a hand to his chest to prompt myself. "Goodnight (y/n)!" Has my name ever sounded so obscene? No. Has my heart ever skipped the way it just did? No.

Austin gets into the elevator and before the doors close, I mumble I quick 'goodnight', the last thing that I see being his bright smile as he chuckles shaking his head. When the door close and all that's left of him is the smell of his cologne, I touch my cheek, a ghost of his kiss still lingering there.

After forever sat in the entryway, eyes glued to those goddamn doors, like if I looked for long enough or hard enough, they would open to reveal him again. My shoulders slump as I realize how stupid I am being right now, so instead of shaming myself further I go to my room to get ready for sleep.

The getting ready part was easy, falling asleep? Different story. I'm tossing and turning, throwing fists at my innocent covers. Sighing I turn on my bed side lamp, taking my journal and pen. Putting the date down:

Feb 27th 2022

I can't seem to quiet my mind and it feels like my skin is burning for something, if I were to be honest right now I might know what it is I'm longing for. It's him... it just feels too real for it to be just in my head, he must of felt it too. Right? He's just so handsome, but there's more than surface beauty to him, there's a warmth within his soul. I know it, because I've met beautiful men and women before, but neither of them ever left me like this. I can't even find a word to describe myself right now - a mixture of too many feelings, good and bad. Should I just bite my heart and do what I do best? Put it in a song? But how would that sound? A love song for him? About him?

Tapping the pen against my chin, I take a moment to think. It needs to be a song that's not to obvious, something that could be about anyone. I just have to be vague, no mentioning his blue eyes, or honey blonde hair, or those god forsaken plump lips. Think about what I like that could be anyone else's, not just his. I really love the way he says my name, the way he wears himself, the way he looks at me. Putting pen to paper again, I start scribbling.

Maybe it's the way you say my name

Maybe it's the way you move around play your game

But it's so good

I've never felt like this before known anybody like you

Ok this sounds like it could be going somewhere, but I need to be at the piano. Jumping out of bed I rush to get the song playing through the room. Sitting down at my piano, looking over the shiny New York, I play a melody, singing my lyrics over it. "I'm in a field of dandelions, wishing on everyone that you were mine." I sing, getting lost in the music. This is my first ever love song. Love... is this really what I'm doing? Falling in love? I blink at the piano keys, my fingers stuck. Picking the pen up, I go to write down the lyrics, scratching over some of the words and replacing them with others.

Taking a deep breath I keep on playing, singing, then writing down the lyrics. By the time the song feels done, I glance at the clock, it's 3:50 am. Cursing at myself, I close my eyes, rubbing harshly at them. I need to be in the studio at 8am, so if I fall asleep now I might get 3 good hours of sleep, so I carry my heavy feet over to my bedroom, falling on the soft bed. By some miracle I do fall asleep, thankfully a dreamless sleep, so 3 hours later when my alarm wakes me up, as angry as I am at it, I'm actually excited to be in the studio and show Jack the new song.

Taking a quick shower, dressing casually in a pair of black jeans, with a simple cotton long sleeve shirt, in a cream color and a dark green teddy bear jacket on top, cause today feels colder than yesterday. Gathering my things, I feed Simba and William and after a small session of sharing kisses with them, I leave. "Morning, miss!" Matthew, my diver, smiles at me, holding the car door open. "Morning Matt, did you have a good weekend?" I like to make sure that the people who work around me are happy and know they can trust me to understand their needs as well as they understand mine. We make small talk on the way to the studio, but I can't help fidgeting in my seat, so when we get to the studio I almost burst through the door.

"Jack I just wrote a song, you need to hear" he giggles at my enthusiasm as I pull my notebook out, sitting down at the piano without even taking my jacket off. After I play him the song I turn to him expectedly. "Wow, a love song? That's new, anyone in particular?" Jack winks at me, sitting down at the computer, working around to start on the record. "N-no n-no one." He chuckles slightly at my stammering. I choose to ignore it and finally taking off my jacket, I start working with him.

Four hours later, the song is almost done, but I have to run for a photo shoot I need to do with Prada, for some of their new collection. Saying my goodbyes to Jack, I put my glasses on and add a beanie, hoping to not be recognized, but it's useless, a sea of paparazzi already waiting out for me. "(Y/n) are you with Butler?" "Is he cheating on Kaia?" "Don't you think he's too old for you?" "What were you recording?" "Should we expect an album?"

I avoid all questions and get into my car, telling Matt to drive away so we can get there in time, I still need to make it to that 3pm lunch with Joshua, which speaking of I should check if he send me the place where he'd like to meet. Opening my dms I find myself smiling the notification next to his name.

joshuatbassett:

Morning, what do you think of this place: location. It's my favorite in NY!

y/n4real.2002

Never been, but it works for me. See you at 3?

joshuatbassett:

Sure thing, can't wait 💟

y/n4real.2002:

Me neither, c u ❣️

I can't fight the blush in my cheeks and I swing my feel around like a school girl, squirming in my seat. "Good news?" Matt asks looking over at me in the rear view mirror. "Yeah" I say, pushing some hair behind my ear and looking out the window, already running in my head the different scenarios of how this could work. Since his first dm, I've been looking into him a bit and I do have to say I'm extremely smitten by him. Also I can't get his song out of my head and I've been slowly writing a song opposite to his, a different way of loving, or better yet not loving.

that.gossip.blog

Liked by fan23, hate2 and 503.382others

that.gossip.blog: y/n4real.2002 leaving the studio early this morning, after a session with jackantonoff. Now that could mean one or two things, she's either working on more original songs or she's working on something for taylorswift again. People who were there report, that she avoided all paparazzi questions and when asked about the relationship with Butler, she had no reaction, so that topic also remains a mystery.

View all comments

fan34: omg omg I'm telling you, it's an album, she must be working on an album.

↳fan2: for sure, she has to be.

↳tsfan13: an album from her would be a dream, she's Taylor's kid

hater2: ofc she would avoid questions about him 🙄

↳fan3: I don't see why she owes any expectations

↳kaiafan4: um maybe cause he's taken?

↳fan039: they were just on a walk, can we chill?

ts13fan26: I choose to clown, for Speak Now (TV) 🤡

↳caTs.fan: right there with you 🤡🤝🤡

abfan2: can we just drop this narrative that makes them both look like horrible people? We know them for gods sake

↳hater45: do we? Cause we know what the choose to tell.

↳abfan021: I choose the benefit of the doubt

After some very long hours of taking photos in tight clothes, contorting myself in all strange positions, I'm done. The make up team is working on taking off the glam as I shoot Timmy a quick text.

Me:

Can I call you in 20? I forgot this morning sry😬😬

Timmy💝:

Yeah sure, no worries, I know you're busy.

Changing my green jacket for a black blazer, as it's much warmer now, then it was in the morning, I hop in the car and tell Matt to drive to the small restaurant where Joshua said he'd meet me. I take my phone out and call Timmy, his voice coming through the other end only after the first ring. "Hi there Tim!" I smile, happy to be talking to him. "Listen you know I love you and I trust you, I choose to not get into detail about those pictures, I just need to know, are you ok?" He asks and I swallow thickly. "Yeah I am, we are just friends, he asked me to show him around a bit, I took him to Frank's store." Timmy chuckles lightly, making me calm down a bit. "I trust you honey and in a way I think I trust him too. Happy to hear you're ok, you sound it even." I'm surprised by his statement. "I do?"

"Yeah, I can't tell you, but your voice has that jovial tone I haven't herd in a minute." My eyes gloss over with tears and I giggle. "Thanks! I'm on my way to meet Joshua, I'm nervous! How was work? Is it scary?" I shoot question after question, making him laugh. "Slow down, glad to hear you're nervous about your date, calm down it'll be fine. Yes, work has been great, it's definitely darker then I expected, but I think I've got this." I listen to him talk as he gets more into detail about filming. "That's sounds amazing, but I still miss you lots, gotta go now, I'm almost at the restaurant." Timmy shuffles around, causing some static to come through. "Ok, good luck, be safe and be yourself. Love you!"

"Love you too" I end the call and get out of the car, smiling at the fact that Joshua is already here, bouncing one leg up and down, reading a newspaper. "Hello, nice to meet you, hope I'm not late!" I say apologetic, as his eyes shoot up at me, a smile spreading on his face. Joshua gets up, sitting only a few inches taller then me. "N-no you're right on time, please!" He shows me the empty seat in front of him.

I sit down and he hands me a blue cap. Shooting him a quizzing look, he laughs nervously, placing a matching one on his head. "Thought we could try and pull a Steve Rogers, cap to not be recognized?" I put the cap on and laugh at his marvel reference. "Well that's a good idea. I take it you like marvel?" I ask looking over the menu. "Yeah, I do, but I'm not really over Endgame yet." We share a laugh. "Neither am I" I say scrunching my nose up.

A sweet girl comes over to take our order and we seem to be straight on the same page as we order the same thing, without even knowing. "So what's new in the papers? I don't think I've seen one in a minute." He chuckles, brushing back some of his chocolate curls, handing me the newspaper. "Nothing much, the news is pretty boring, too much politics and all, but it gives me so to do without looking at my phone." I read one of the titles, dropping the paper, the latest football scandal not being my cup of tea.

"So do you like New York?" I ask, sipping some coffee the waiters just brought over. "Yes I do, I'm actually looking for a place to buy here, lately California has been too much, LA just doesn't do it for me anymore" his brown eyes glimmer and I can't help but get lost in the depth of them. "If you ask me New York is the best, something new to do at all times and people rarely care to look around, so it's easy to get lost in the crowd." He smiles at me, thanking the waitress for the food without taking his eyes off of me. "You'll have to show me, cause I do agree with you, but I haven't spent much time in New York. Any place you love, that's like a secret?"

I giggle, eating some of the pasta I ordered. "Well if I told you it wouldn't be a secret anymore, would it?" Joshua shakes his head adjusting the hat on his head, eating a bit as well. "Could be our secret." He says looking at me. I blush like crazy and look down, his stare too much for me. I can't ignore the way my heart skips a beat, or the way my breath get caught in the back of my throat. "Could be." I mumble, looking at him through my lashes. A blush appears on his round cheeks, as he wiggles around in his seat.

"You look beautiful today by the way, not that you don't look beautiful every day, but-" "Thank you" I giggle at his sweet demeanor, a blush creeping up on both of our cheeks now. He let's out a little laugh as well and we both break into hysterics over how we're both acting, like two little kids. "So I think I should tell you the concept for the video" Joshua adds and I nod. "Well this song was inspired by my parents, they were highschool sweethearts, so I was thinking we could play them in the video." I watch as he goes on to tell me about how the whole thing would play out, starting with me walking down the aisle at our wedding and then cutting into a montage of memories from the past, how we met, our prom, graduation, every little thing that led up to us ending at the altar.

"That's so beautiful, I'd be honored to do it. I'm happy you thought of me for this." Licking his lips, they stretch out into a bright smile. "I know it might of seemed a bit out of the blue, but I've been a fan for a while and this song means a lot to me, so I thought: it's now or never Josh" he scratches the back of his head, snickering at himself. "This pasta is really good, I've never been here before." I say looking around the small restaurant. The place is almost too small to be called a restaurant, a hew tables inside and a few outside where we're sat. The early spring is starting to make it's away in New York, the shy sunshine giving everything a beautiful glow. "I found it a year ago I think, I had a few gigs to play here in New York and one of my band mates told me about this place." I wipe my lips with a tissue before speaking. "It's nice, not very common for the upper east side, I'll be for sure coming back"

We eat together, talking about little nothings, making small conversation, laughing here and there. Soon enough an hour has past but it barely feels like I've been here a minute. I haven't felt this good in a minute, like there's no worry in the world and no pressure. It doesn't matter if we get photographed together, doesn't matter if we waste too much time, nothing matters, just us. "Hang on" he leans over the table and brushes some of my hair out of my face, lifting the cap off of my head, surprising me with a small kiss, on the top of my forehead. He sits back down, blushing profusely as I'm still a bit starstruck. "That was-" "lovely" we talk over each other and our eyes meet, getting stuck.

I can feel myself leaning closer to him, still staring into his eyes, mesmerized by the dark chocolate color of them. I never knew I'd find brown eyes to be beautiful, but right now I do. Being so close to him I can smell the faint perfume of his cologne, young and bold, a bit minty with some flower undertones, very different from Austin's, dark musky scent. Before I can get any closer, my phone rings, pulling us out of the trance we've been stuck into. "Sorry" I mumble before answering Levis, my assistant.

"Hi I'm at your place, are you on your way? I want to give you the scripts I have and go over some more scheduling for the upcoming month." I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose, I completely forgot about him coming over. Looking at my watch, I'm only 30 minutes late. "I'll be there in 30, please excuse me!" Levis assures me that's all fine and I put my phone in my bag, after texting Matt to bring the car around. "I have to go, have your assistant email mine. I loved having lunch with you, Josh" I say pushing him, the card for my assistant.

"I had a good time as well." We both get up and share a tight hug. I allow myself to breathe in his scent, and I can't help but notice he does the same. As we pull apart, our hands linger over each other. "Give me your phone." I say and he complies. I quickly put my number in, naming the contact (Y/n)💟. Giving him the phone back, he sucks in a breath, noticing the emoji I used. "I guess it's our thing now, the Purple Heart?" Joshua asks tilting his head. "I guess so."

"Well I'm happy, cause I didn't know if this would be too much" he says, before searching in the pockets of his coat, pulling out a small velvet bag. "Give me your hand" he says and I put my hand forward, his fingers working on opening the little bag and then turning it upside down he shakes it softly. Something small and silver lands in my hand and he put the velvet bag away, taking the thing, that I now see it's a bracelet, out of the palm of my hand. "Allow me, please" he says.

I lift the sleeve of my blazer slightly and he puts the bracelet on. It's a dainty silver chain with a Purple Heart. The jewelry sits nicely on my wrist and I can't help the way my heart stops in it's tracks. I look up at him wide eyed and throw my arms around his neck, holding him tight. "Thank you, I love it." I say and give his cheek a small kiss. Joshua's hands go to my waist holding me tight to him. "You're very welcome, honey" the pet name, makes my knees buckle, as I snuggle my face further into his neck. "I have to go, I'm sorry."

He shakes his head, bringing his hands up to my face. "Don't be, I'll call you tomorrow, would that be ok?" Joshua asks. "Yes it would" I smile and pull away from him, when Matt stops the car next to us. I give him one more look and blow him a kiss, getting in the car. He fakes catching the kiss against his heart, making me laugh.

Matt drives away and I look at Joshua through the tinted windows. I'm smiling like crazy and I feel butterflies in my stomach. It's so strange, what's going on with me, getting so easily swept away by these men. Am I going insane? Probably, although there's this small voice in the back of my head, saying I'm just growing up and allowing myself to feel these things for once. "Did you have a good time, miss?" Matt asks me, being the nice person he's always been. "Yeah I did actually, he seems nice doesn't he?" I fiddle with the bracelet around my wrist, the slight cold of the metal being a comforting sensation. "He does miss, did he get that for you?" He says noticing the bracelet and I nod, lifting my arm up, to show him better. "It suits you, he's got taste." Here I can agree with Matt, once more, he does have nice taste, the jewelry really fits my personality and the fact that he thought about it, from our dms, it leaves me flabbergasted.

When we get back to my place, Matt and I ride the elevator together, meeting Levis in my entryway, talking on the phone. "You could've made yourself at home, Levis, you know that" I say going over to the fridge to get the water pitcher, picking two glasses as well. "Come on!" I move my head in the direction of the study as Matt, goes to his office that he has here. "Ok what have you got for me!" I say excited.

He sits down in front of me at the desk. "So these are some scripts I thought you'd like, a movie called "The in between" for Netflix, a small part on stranger things, and some more movies. I'm waiting on something exciting though, but it's still in the 'maybe' trails so there's no script." I listen closely taking the papers he hands down to me. "Next I have here your schedule for the month and I'm waiting on Joshua's assistant to email me about when the music video will shoot and where. I also have people calling me nonstop from different publications, that want you to give statements about new music and relationships" he winces at the last part as I sigh, taking off my blazer and sinking further into the chair. "Sorry, I know, don't worry I've refused them all for now, but-"

"But at one point I'll have to speak with them, I know, but let's get them after the Oscars so I can work some more on music for the next two weeks, everything after the awards will be hectic, no matter the outcome" he nods, taking down notes. "Ok tomorrow you have the first fitting, Chanel will dress you right?" Levis asks, to make sure he's got everything down. "Yeah, I want something classic and comfy." He puts that down in his planer as well. And we go like that for the next few hours and then I go to change and get ready to start on some of those audition tapes.

When my tired body finally melts into the marshmallow mattress, I'm left torn in between all these feelings. When I close my eyes I see Austin's blue eyes, piercing into mine, I still feel the ghost of his kiss on my cheek. And then when everything becomes too much, too real, I turn around in bed and I get a whiff of Joshua's scent, the ridiculous imaginary weight of the dainty bracelet, holding my right hand down. My heart beats too fast and I barely catch my breath, it feels like I'm running, when I'm just in bed, dreaming about two people, two very different people, because one could be my calm and ease and the other could be my adrenaline and euphoria. One of them is allowed and the other is well....forbidden

Tags: @kittenlittle24 @amorx @cryingabtab @lexicox044 @lrissa @feral4austinbutler @sageskywalker @jesssssicaa @rainydayz101 @flwersgarden @bobthefishiesworld @captured-memory @homebodybirkin2003 @galaxygirl453 @butlerslut @chrisevansgirl34 @myradiaz @pennyroyalcreep @macey234 @im-lame-irl @lordandmistress @the-girl-wh0-cries-w0lf @poppet05 @gabbywontlose @4shbug @0-thegoodwitch-0 @hauntedarchivesx @chewiethecatus @sunnyx07 @francesbloomer @jessaroni19 @finelineskies @stargirlbytheweeknd @cerenaydins-blog @girlblogger2002 @gigisworldsstuff @my-baexht-Is @xmusselisims @denised916 @bluepeacheslandia @kibumslatina @samaraannhan20 @goldobsessionworld @silliypapercreatorangle @cmrxac @donnamarie23 @justarandomfamdomblog @marlowmode @natsnosehair @xxgggooomm @banksmars @namoreno @areuirish @choppedlamphandscowboy @yeetfack-blog

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jemmahazelnut · 1 year

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Juvia for the character bingo?

I adore Juvia, I’m the only one who can speak about her and I know her better than anyone, even Mashima himself.

No, ok, of course I'm kidding, but premise: if you are a Juvia-and-Gruvia stan, this post is not for you, because I don't care about the version of a perfect and adorable Juvia who deserves the world because she's pretty and never done nothing wrong in life etc. Likewise, if you're a Juvia-and-Gruvia hater, this is no place for you, because I literally don't care if you think she's a horrible canon person who deserves to die and disappear off the face of the earth.

If you are Juvia stan and Gruvia hater (I know you exist somewhere), this is the place for you (or if you are indifferent to Gruvia, or if you like it but you are not avid shippers proclaiming Juvia as the ideal girl. Actually, idfc what you think about the ship, I just know that shippers and antis generally think in compartments and don't want to question anything, so if you belong to one or the other category, go on and see other posts).

So, now let's make two things clear before starting the discussion.

Juvia is not a lovely girl, nor is she a good person. Juvia is a fucking messed up person who has good intentions, but having not lived in a good place most of her life she has unhealthy relationships with many people, highly questionable behavior, and a very bad relationship with herself. She is also a strong and cruel woman who can kill, she will and she has already done. And despite all that, she deserves the love, but more importantly, she deserves a fucking painstakingly detailed development arc (and no, if you tell me there's no forgiveness for her, Ill get pissed, everyone have had a development arc, Jellal, Laxus, Gajeel, Cobra, Sting, etc. but Juvia doesn't deserve it? Don't even talk to me).

I won't explain all my ideas about her in this post, otherwise it would get very long because trust me, I have an Odyssey in mind, but basically:

Juvia is a girl in love with the idea of love. She has lived her whole life alone and desperately wants to make friends and find her life partner, so as soon as she meets someone who is even a little bit nice to her, she becomes morbidly attached, as indeed she did with Gray. But she doesn't just do it with him, she also does it with her friends, so Lucy, Cana, Erza, and other people in the guild. As soon as someone extends a finger of hers, she takes the whole arm and craves that affection that she always sees in others. At the same time, she's not good at showing affection in the normal way, so she does weird things, and usually she's overly pushy and willing to literally go out of her way to get anyone to accept her. She sacrificed herself for Cana, so yeah, she would literally do anything, and she doesn't understand the limits of people, so as long as someone gives her something, she takes, takes and takes. She is also very insecure of herself, so it doesn't take much, a miserable 'no' and she risks going back to being the lonely rain woman and that she annoys everyone with the weather she brings with her. When this happens, she leaves the guild because she is afraid to annoy her guildmates and return alone (Lucy and Natsu always join her and stand by her in those moments).

She has a complex relationship with Gajeel, but he's also probably the only real friend she has, at least in the beginning, because she doesn't feel this need to continually affirm her affection for him. She's not even afraid of him leaving, because Gajeel has already seen the worst of her in Phantom Lord, and he's stayed, and she knows that he will stay by her side because he's one of the few people who understands her. (Then Cana will also become friends with her in a similar way).

She is an unnervingly strong sorceress, let's not forget that she was an S-class level in Phantom Lord. She was cruel too, she killed people with the Water Lock, and she wouldn't hesitate to do it if she saw something that reminded her of her childhood.

Speaking of her childhood, she was awful. From an early age she was considered a cursed child because she brought rain everywhere, for this reason her parents put her in an orphanage. She had no idea, and after spending her early years in an orphanage with everyone staying away from her and bad-mouthing her, she went looking for her parents. She hoped to reunite with them but when she found them, they did not recognize her, and badly kicked her out of the house saying never to be seen again. She moved to a village and tried to live alone, but still everyone annoyed her and told her to leave. One day someone annoyed her so much that she seriously injured him by trapping him in a water bubble and suffocating him. Since then, she has escaped from there.

She tried to remove the magic herself, with dangerous methods that put her life at risk, but it was unsuccessful (I have a whole arc in mind on this omg). She even pushed herself too hard with her magic that she nearly died. Probably in a very dark period of her life she also thought about ending it. This until she entered Phantom Lord. There, for the first time, she found a place that accepted her, and she immediately understood that the stronger she was, the more she was accepted. That's why she trained hard and became ambitious, she wanted to surpass all wizards, she thought that as she got stronger, she would have more friends. And more or less, that's how Phantom Lord worked. She was also able to use her power to its fullest, because nobody cared to use good methods, she could kill and she did it without hesitation, especially when she saw cruel people who reminded her of her parents or the people who they bullied. She felt somehow at home.

She then entered Fairy Tail, and for the first time she saw the sun thanks to Gray, which is why she thought that Gray was her life partner and so she became attached to him.

From here my version completely changes from the canon, or rather, initially it's similar with her becoming obsessed with Gray (but not only with him, also with Lucy and Cana and the other guildmates), then as she goes on making mistakes, understands how to actually build a true and healthy friendship. She learns to love herself and to understand what she really wants other than 'not to be alone', and discovers that she is actually very ambitious, she wants to be strong, she likes to be strong, not just because she likes admiration, but precisely because she likes to be able to protect her loved ones. She's always fucking creepy when someone touches her loved ones, like, you know the scene on Tenrou where she's fucking creepy when Meredy talks about killing Gray? Well, yes, Juvia is like that, only not just with Gray, but with everyone in the guild, touch someone dear to her and she will kill you, absolutely and without remorse.

She also remains a romantic, a person who adores small gestures of affection, a clumsy, she loves children but never knows how to behave with them, she is a very manual girl, she knows how to paint, but above all she knows sewing clothes or building accessories, girls always come to her and she is always happy to give them gifts. She is also a mega emotional and sensitive girl, when she feels an emotion, she feels it to the nth degree. When she's happy she gets loud, and infects everyone with her happiness showing it to the world, when she's sad no one can cheer her up, when she's angry you better run.

She understands that her relationship with Gray is complicated and one-sided, and she tries to act better and walk away from him when he tells her he's not comfortable with her. When she does that, Juvia discovers that in reality she is happy even without him. Like, she's a friend of Gray, a close friend, but she understands that her love was in her head. Then they cultivate a beautiful friendship, which if you want can also become true love (or not, you decide, but there must be that passage of self-understanding first. Actually, I'm a bit indifferent to the ship but whatever).

And then I'll stop here, even if I have things to say about the relationships she could have with other people, primarily with the Thunder Legion (in my opinion she gets along very well with all of them and also with Laxus), with Gajeel (their friendship is complex and that's okay), with Lucy (they are bestie fight me), with Erza (Juvia admires her), with Lisanna (Juvia listens to what the Edo version of Juvia was like and thinks about herself), with Cana (a bestie much more sincere than Lucy, she doesn't mince words when she has to make it clear when Juvia acts like a bitch), with Mira (these two girls are actually more similar than it seems), and that's it, now I stop.

It would have been faster to write a fanfiction.

(However I don't think this version is very far from the canon.)

#juvia lockser #fairy tail #I'm a little scared to post this because there is so much hate from both sides of the fandom but whatever #in any case this is my version if anyone is interested #this post has gotten incredibly long but i'm not surprised #i've been wanting to write a fanfiction about her for a long time #I don't think my version is very far from the canon actually #I just think it's more thorough

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rollercoasterwords · 2 years

Text

ok! i'm actually gonna be grumpy for a second

this is gonna be me talking about the circular online discourse of "omg it SUCKS that mlm fics are so much more popular than wlw fics" specifically in the marauders fandom i do not know if it will be productive or insightful or if it will just be me being grumpy so. scroll if u want lol

anyway. i'm just! getting kinda frustrated at this point with the amount of people i see saying something like "guys...isn't it crazy how mlm fics are sooooo much more popular!! it's because of misyogyny!!" and then everyone just agreeing with them and like. that's it. internet echo chamber.

and it's like no okay i get it we need to have a conversation like it's important to start this conversation but we just. keep starting it. and starting it. and starting it. and it feels like it's not even a conversation at this point.

ok hang on i'm gonna try to organize my thoughts because i feel like there are...perhaps two main things that annoy me

there is no bad guy in this situation

one thing that frustrates me is this sort of weirdly....moralizing? ig? underlying tone to a lot of these posts. like, it sometimes feels like people are searching for someone to blame or get upset with, or some group of people to blame or get upset with. it's not just "oh misogyny is a reason behind this," it's "making a post about this issue and the way you respond to posts about this issue is an indicator of your personal moral fiber and also i now win good person points for saying this thing that many people have already said." maybe i'm being too harsh here because i DO think people deserve the benefit of the doubt and i'm sure that most of the people pointing out this issue have good intentions, i just...idk. sometimes it feels like virtue signaling more than anything.

and i think the reason it sometimes feels like virtue signaling to me is that there is no bad guy in this situation! there isn't anyone to "catch out" for the misogyny underlying this whole popularity disparity. if someone exclusively reads/writes mlm fic, that does not make them a bad person. is there perhaps some self-reflection to be done about why that is the only form of media content they consume? sure! but that's a call-in, not a call-out. y'know? idk maybe this is a whole other discussion but i already made a post about the reason i think mlm is so much more popular than wlw so i'm not gonna say it all again lol

2. the solution is actually right there. it's RIGHT there. this is a solvable thing

okay this is the thing that i think bothers me more and that contributes to those posts feeling like virtue-signaling more than anything. and that's that, at the end of the day, just saying "omg mlm fics are way more popular ugh misogyny" isn't!! that!! productive!!

like guys. this is fanfiction. this is literally fanfiction. if you truly view this as a really big issue, there are actually things you can do to fix it!! you can write wlw fics! you can read wlw fics! you can comment and kudos and recommend and send nice messages to people who write wlw fics! like this is actually a situation where you as an individual can actively do shit ??? and any of those things will be more productive than just saying over and over again that there's an issue.

like. imagine with me for a moment. picture me this. "oh man," internet user x says, "it really sucks that mlm fics are so much more popular than wlw fics! i want to see more wlw fics in this fandom space." internet user x wants to see wlw fics getting more attention, so internet user x goes and finds some wlw fics. internet user x reads them. internet user x recommends them to some friends. wow! internet user x has identified something they are unhappy with and has taken steps to change it! yay!

ok i know i'm getting sarcastic at this point i KNOW i told u guys i was gonna be grumpy. but like. the point stands (i think?). like first of all -- this is not a life or death issue; it's something that i would love to see actual conversations about, but at the end of the day this is all fanfiction and it's not that serious. but if it IS something that bothers you, actually reading and recommending wlw fics is just going to do so much more than making another post about how crazy it is that mlm fics get more attention. like. we get it. we have established that. let's either have an actual conversation about it or move on please.

"oh i would but i can't find any good wlw fics" dm me. i'll give u some. ok??? i have a whole post of recommendations. go look at that. jfc. if i could find them u can too!! it might take a little more work but again, if this is something you care so deeply about then like...work to find them. just!!! yeah. ok. i'm done now i think if i just keep going i'm gonna get mean which isn't fair bc like i said i think the people making these posts are well-intentioned. i am just! grumpy :)

#grumpy!!!#grumpy posting #posting on tumblr and being grumpy about it #idk sometimes u just need to rant on ur silly little tumblr blog #also this is not about any specific person this is just a trend i've noticed #like i said there's no bad guy nobody is in the wrong here #sometimes i just get annoyed at things on the internet and it's not because there's some big moral issue #it's just because i'm a hater at heart <3 #txt #ranting and raving

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hydesjackiespuddinpop · 25 days

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Hey Poorni, I mostly just lurk here but sometimes check in with your account and am always blown away by how quickly and drastically you change your mind on so many people and ships! Like on a Wednesday you'll post several times about a pair being a notp and by Thursday you're praising them as an otp and reblogging them constantly and then by Friday or Saturday you're disliking them again lol. For example, you've gone from going on about how much you hate Neia to suddenly calling them an OTP lol. A few weeks ago you didn't like Zaya at all and now they're like your biggest OTP ever. You liked Kitty and then hated her more than anyone I'd ever seen and then will swing back to liking her. And so on. We all change our minds about some ships and characters, and it's great to have an open mind. I'm just curious what causes you to go from hate to love to hate to love again on so many characters and ships so quickly---is it based on rewatches, reading other people's metas, Or do you just kind of wake up feeling totally different than you did the day before? You can ignore if you want to, I'm just always into learning about what makes fans tick, and you changing your opinions so frequently interests me!

First of all, I love long asks so ty for sending this haha!

Secondly, I wouldn't exactly saying that my love for characters and ships change day by day. It's actually the opposite most of the time where it's very drastic.

Like with Kitty, as a kid I liked her but then I saw a few threads on her and I was like 'ok she is kind of annoying when I think about it'. Then rewatching at like 16-17 (i think 17 tbh), she's very irritating and I feel like she's glorified WAY too much (especially in t7s). So then I started having more complex feelings but then after a few more discussions with my friend Sunshine and rewatches, Kitty is actually pretty fucking annoying. She babies Eric and literally never sees him as an adult, slut shames Donna for having sex with Eric and seems to think Donna "corrupts" him. And don't even get me started on how shitty she treats Laurie. I know Laurie is far from perfect, but no one deserves to have to hear their own mother say 'i love you because I have to' and 'Rosemary made a better baby than me'.

It sounds like I'm overreacting but honestly idc. Kitty is not this sweet little good cop to Red's bad cop and she sure as hell didn't have any "character assassination" like Jackie, Kelso, and even Eric did in T9S.

With Zaya, I really loved them as a kid but then hated them because of the shit Zig would pull on Maya. When I did come back to the fandom for good, I had moreso complicated feelings where they're pretty toxic but they can be good together and I'm glad they're endgame. And then I started looking at more Zaya stuff (mostly from Ashton haha) doing rewatches, which made me go back to loving them full force. I still have love for Matlingsworth, Camaya, Zori, and find Zesme interesting at times, but I love Zaya a lot too and I'm glad they're endgame.

As for Neia, I don't think I had much of an opinion on my first watch. I might've been annoyed by them. But I did prefer Jeia over everything. And when I got to Tumblr and did more rewatches, read fics and all that, I was really just done with Neia. My main issue with them has always been how they fucked over Nikki and don't even get me started on how ooc Gwen's advice to Leia was on handling that shit. Plus I didn't see any substance with them aside from having the same wants. Then I ended up being moreso fascinated by the idea of Neia crashing and burning, leading to a Jeia/Geia endgame.

There was a short period where I really wanted to be more open minded with Neia, so I tried looking at the more shippy stuff but I just couldn't do it haha. But eventually I tried again, hence me shipping them now.

Don't get me wrong, my issues with canon Neia are still there. Especially the substance parts, but I personally blame that on the writing more. For all Lindsey's claims of loving Neia, she sure doesn't act like she loves them. Until the 9th episode, they didn't have any alone time. Which, by a writing person, doesn't make sense because Leia is canonically best friends with Nate's sister AND in the dame friend groupl. Not to mention, Leia dated Nate's best friend, yet they don't interact one on one till the NINTH episode? Not even like them accidentally bumping into each other. Like come on!

Short answer: Metas, rewatches, (rarely) discussions, etc.

#answered #deepesttigerparadise #my meta #degrassi #that 70s show #that 90s show #anti kitty forman #zaya #neia #anti neia #I think??#just to be safe

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dragonrider9905 · 1 month

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Back atcha for the violence game! How about… 22 and 25?

Ahahahhahahha such great asks my friend!!!!! Hahahahha so, you reaaaaalllly chose violence XD I hope you know what you're askin for! I might get hated for this but here we go!!!! FULL HONESTLY!!!!! XD ;D I guess I went to bed and chose violence and you were like, nah, I woke up and chose violence, here you go! I love you for that!!!!

22. Your favorite part of canon everyone else ignores

Hmmmmm I really like this one. I gotta think XD I know there are things but once I'm put on the spot I'm like "I have no thoughts at all whatsoever for anything".

Hmmmmm

Ok, I got it.

So the Batch is a special forces group......it is sometimes funny but honestly, more often than not now, it makes me a little annoyed and rolling of eyes when I see so many fics, posts etc knocking them like "oh, how on earth did they ever accomplish anything without Echo, Omega etc" "Crosshair was their entire team, they can't do anything without him." "Oh, Cross and Hunter act like children and fight each other and parent Echo has to break them up"

They're completely missing the point.

Watching the Batch at their debut? They were flawless. They fought better than a well oiled machine together. The point of all their mess ups was they were USED to working as a TEAM. An integral member of the Batch left and trying to compensate for a lost limb? There's going to be problems. We're seen the problematic side but didn't get too much insight to how they were before, but the tell us they were legendary. We have to infere that this isn't normal for them to botch things up badly. Also, they pull off things no one else has, so that isn't botching anything. Cid even calls them her best people. And she don't compliment so that meant she meant it. As far as Echo being the only responsible one, again, they have a system for what works for their personalities. Hunter and Crosshair fight it out because that's how they handle it, then they're good. Before this, you have to infer, nothing like this ever came between them like this. They would never have acted like this before, and Echo wasn't an original Batcher so his wounds wouldn't be the same as someone who's grown up with each other.

Canon Batch with Hunter as the leader, Crosshair the obviously favorite youngest, Tech the nerd who has feelings but lots of thoughts, and Wrecker with intensive knowledge but a lovely childlike heart. Then Echo, who is a leader but respects his sergeant's command but challenges him like a brother.

25. Common fandom complaint you're sick of hearing

Ok, *takes a deep deep inhale* Are you sure you want this? Are you sure you're ready for this? Ok. SO.

I am SO sick and freakn tired of all the Hunter vs. Crosshair drama. Oh. My. Goodness. For one, they are trying to make up themselves so I think we as the fans can try to get along now? For goodness sakes? I'm so tired of seeing Crosshair fans and Hunter fans at each other's throats. I'm a Hunter girlie, no doubt about it, but that doesn't mean I can't be objective and know Hunter has some things he needs to sort through. And Crosshair does indeed have problems. That being said....I'm tired of hearing people say Hunter should have done more, that he doesn't care, that he has no character development and that Omega is his entire personality. I'm tired of hearing about everything he's done to fail everybody and how everyone else in the Batch is better than he is. He's always getting compared to in the worst ways possible and some of them aren't even fair or even canon compliant to his personality. I even saw one person say he had no problem leaving anyone behind and he didn't care about it.

Honestly, I do want some more from him as well to see how he's grown but being the leader, he's stuck! I'm a middle child, true, but I'm the oldest girl. Being the oldest girl is kinda like being the oldest in a way. When you're the one who's responsible for everyone, it hits a lot harder when things happen. When you get to make decisions just to make decisions it is TOTALLY different than when YOU HAVE to make decisions for your family. I want him to be decisive, and I want them to show him be a little more proactive but I know that'll come with the story. Of course he's going to be cautious of Crosshair because he was hurt. Hurts that run that deep are hard to heal! Plus he's now looking out for and defending Crosshair......oh, it's not enough for some people. Well, guess what, Hunter is standing up for his brother but has enough respect for him and trust him to handle his own situations too. He respected Crosshair to handle certain situations in a way he'd be comfortable doing it.

In short, can't we pleeeeeaaaasssseeeee move past "well, Hunter's a failure" "well, Crosshair is horrible!" Hunter said it himself, all they can try to do is be better.

Trust me, I kept this short. I could go on for a while about this topic. I know I could get murdered for saying some of this buuuuuuut there it is XD and not as well put as I was thinking :D Oh well, my vomited thoughts on the topic XD

Thanks for the ask and for actually taking the time to read the ramblings.

Choose Violence Ask Game

#dragonrider9905 answers #yyesssssss I woke up and chose violence #and so did you aparently #and I love you for it #my dear friend masterjedilena #Hope I don't get murdered with this one #you ask i’ll happily answer!

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daz4i · 2 months

Text

ok ok rather than make a bunch of annoying vent posts i'm just gonna put everything on my mind all in one post to let it out 🔥 you absolutely do not need to read this, this is honestly so ridiculously long. my brain better feel clean for like at least 2 days after this fr

i knew i was gonna crash after this week and i think this is it 🥲 i was so tense for literally a whole week (even more tbh, bc i was preemptively scared of how much i have to do too) and i think the adrenaline drop kicked in after the peak of this one (aka being in a big social event. haven't been to one of those in literal years)

also. my parents have been sick this week and i think i maybe have contracted it too? 😭 if that is indeed the case it literally kicked in in the last like hour of the event, i was perfectly fine beforehand bc i avoided being in the same closed space as them when i could (aka kept my distance or made sure windows were open around me all the time jic). bc suddenly my whole body hurts like it hasn't in a long while. tho that might be the adrenaline crash too who knows 🥲 ig i'll see how i feel when i wake up

i have not been creative in awhile and i can feel my brain drowning in gunk lol. technically i tried writing songs a couple of times lately but they came out so bad i can't finish them. or anything. and i feel like shit abt failing to create literally anything. and i keep seeing people be creative and make so much or sharing their work fearlessly and it's always so much better than mine too that i'm burning with jealousy that i can't turn off (and can't channel into my own creation bc well. it comes out shitty! so the cycle not only continues but in fact gets worse each time). every time someone tells me i'm good it feels like they're lying to make me feel better or bc they love me so they're. biased and see everything i make as good bc it's me, so i can't count that. every time *i* feel like smth i made is good there's some glaring imperfection i don't know how to iron out so i start hating the whole piece. i don't know how to become better when every time i try to practice i end up wanting to claw my own eyes out as punishment for being so talentless and dumb

(the dumb thing too is. oh my god this is gonna sound so silly but. i try to make myself feel better by solving puzzles or trivia or riddles etc bc these are things i'm usually good at. but lately i can't be proud of myself for succeeding at any of them, and i keep beating myself harder for every time i fail or don't do as well as i used to, bc it feels like i'm failing at the only thing i'm supposed to be good at. also i just generally keep doing stupid things lately esp when it comes to my time management or taking care of my body in various ways, i keep forgetting things which is smth i almost never do, i struggle to get through conversations with others bc i trip over my words or make mistakes constantly, generally i'm just being stupid in various ways)

right now i am. so anxious. about so many things. here let me just make it into a list starting with very small to. probably still small but it feels big to me

1. this is so silly but. i am literally too tired to put small earrings back in after changing them to long one for the party. and i'm scared the holes will close up in my sleep. but this is literally so much work 💔 idk if the holes haven't healed properly or if i'm using the wrong metal so i keep getting infections bc it's been A While (two years. apparently. maybe more??) and they haven't healed yet. like i said a silly thing to get stressed over but i am. very tense

2. i don't know. if the people i knew in the party actually didn't recognize me or if they ignored me on purpose. bc i stood next to some of them while my besties were talking to them too and they didn't even say hi (or like introduced themselves the way others that i didn't know have done). one of them was literally my bestie for a good few months a few years ago and even tho i grew a beard i. don't think i changed THAT much??? also i don't think it's hard to make the connection abt who i am given how tight this community is. someone i haven't talked to since like 2015 bc we had beef recognized me even. so how come they didn't. i met one in a con recently and she did recognize me so. h. did i do something wrong. did someone say smth bad about me. i don't know i don't understand social rules enough to figure it out 😭

3. this is another thing abt that tbh 🥲 while it was very fun and a super cool event, it did remind me very painfully of why my social anxiety is so bad 😭 i felt like i made 10 social errors per minute. i didn't know what to say half the time so i just smiled or laughed and i think that made me seem creepy idk. a lot of people were very nice and i think i did mostly fine with them but also maybe not. idk. i am definitely overthinking things but what if i'm right. it's not that out of the question. i am known to fail social interactions there's a reason why i do my best to avoid them

4. and this is kinda bringing me to a thing i have on my mind a lot recently. bc i'm doing the recovery thing. and a lot of people - friends family and professionals who help me there - tell me i am capable of more than i think or admit. and i get WHY they think that bc i *am* doing a lot compared to the literal nothing i've been up to for years. but i am very much pushing outside my limits, which is why i'm constantly feeling like shit lately i think (not that i was doing great before but. yeah). it probably seems mostly effortless bc i just do them without beating much around the bush but that's only when i mentally prepare myself days or even weeks ahead (for reference, i'm talking about things like. being in public. or taking a bus). or the work i do for projects that... honestly idk how i'm doing that either. i am the laziest person ever and i have no ability to concentrate yet i managed to sit down and do work and do it well and learn text by heart and research and write for hours and ??? it does not feel like myself. but it also kinda does bc i need to very forcefully push myself into it and berate myself for hours until i actually get up to do anything so. it's not smth that comes naturally to me. i don't consider myself capable of things. i'm just very good at pretending i'm unbothered (up until i start crying uncontrollably at least lol) so ppl think i am. unfortunately. bc then they expect me to do more. or they pressure me into it then get disappointed when i can't do it (ig that's the core of it for me... i don't want anyone to develop expectations about me, bc i know i won't be able to meet them, at least not long term. so i insist i can't do anything, bc sometimes - often - i really really can't. i don't wanna be judged by my best. feels false to even call it that tbh. but that's bc it's so rare, it's the best for a reason, the absolute peak i can get to, as pathetic as it is. bc the problem is, when this is already beyond my limits, i literally can't go further, but that's what they want me to do 💔)

5. god. this is also a small thing probably but the accidental lie i mentioned. for context i am giving a lecture abt p5's mythology in the next con, that's the thing i was working on lately. anyway when i signed up i gave background information about myself, and to make myself sound more fitting for the job i said that i learned the topic in [university that specializes in said topic] bc i did - just. 2 classes. that's it. i was telling the truth there, technically (most of my knowledge on the topic comes from independent research, but the classes i took did help with that too, as in i knew where to look for info and things to look out for) (also for reference i'm gonna be fr. i did not finish these classes. social anxiety got to me and i was scared to go to anything outside zoom lessons which weren't an option anymore unfortunately)

ANYWAY when they told me i got in they sent me a "revised" bio which was just what i originally sent them, so i said okay. but now the whole thingie was posted and i can see my bio there and. they said i graduated from [uni] and used language that implies i have a degree in it, probably to make me sound more credible, but it's not true!!!! 😭😭😭 the thing i said was definitely embellishment but it WAS true enough that if asked directly about it i could spin it somehow ("oh i haven't finished yet" "yeah i took a couple of classes when i could to enrich my knowledge") but this. makes it so much harder

chances are i won't be asked bc why would anyone ask abt that. but ever since i started writing the script i was so stressed about people calling me out for being wrong abt info, so i even added a disclaimer of "these are old texts that have many versions that vary according to location or were changed with time uwu if you know a different version of this story that's probably why uwu" and "due to the time constraint i'm giving a very simplified and short version of this topic uwu" bc given that i'm talking a lot abt judaism. to a mainly (or most likely, entirely) jewish audience. it's enough that there is someone who is religious or previously ultra orthodox in the audience that if i make a mistake they could point it out. and then i'll start panicking and lose my train of thought and fuck everything up while i'm already so stressed as is and-

so like i've been super stressed abt all that^ until now but that misinfo in my bio is raising the stakes for me 😭 bc now what if someone who went to this uni and majored in this topic calls me out on never seeing me there. or they can tell the info i'm giving isn't smth that's taught there or isn't the way it's taught there. this is such a specific and unlikely fear but i can't not stress about it because TECHNICALLY it's possible, it COULD happen even if that's not too likely

6. all of this is while i'm also struggling with bureaucracy around that art program i'm signing up to, idk if i'll get in yet or not bc i need some files to be approved and idk if they would, and idk what i'll do if they don't. or what if they do! i'm honestly so scared to start it, idk how i'm gonna go from nothing to waking up early and driving an hour 4 times a week to be active and around people for a few hours. tbh i don't think i can, but also if this gets approved then i have to, so the government's money doesn't get flushed down the toilet bc of me.

7. all this shit has a major impact on my physical health 🥲 not getting into details bc that's def tmi territory but. i'm fighting for my life over a certain stress-caused medical thing for weeks now. only other time i had it was when the war originally started so naturally i was extra stressed then, but like, this is to give you a reference for how majorly stressed i am now. my regular pains are flaring up more often too which makes things harder to handle as well (like, stressing abt not doing enough work, bc i'm literally in too much pain to do anything but lie down. or being scared of the plans i have for the week bc what if these pains catch me when i'm outside or with people. how am i supposed to push through them. what if they catch me when i'm in public and i have to sit down in the middle of the street. what if i'm with people and i'm holding them back from doing smth bc of that. etc etc)

8. ofc all this is happening during the war and i keep seeing things i really don't wanna see from ppl in my country and the west 🥲 and it's like, the mix of guilt over this happening at all, and the frustration over feeling like i have nothing to do about it, and fear about how things are gonna escalate in either direction, and seeing friends from other countries posting things i agree with but can't condone full heartedly bc well. this'll hurt me directly, as selfish as it sounds (tbf, when i say hurt me directly, i'm talking about me and my loved ones' lives being endangered), but also seeing said loved ones talking about things i can't agree with morally, yet can't fully refute either because life is. complicated. i have a lot more to say tbh but i'm too tired to acknowledge every single facet of every single related issue which will open me to a lot of hate so. best to leave it here. unfortunately

idk where to put this. sorry for the sudden topic change. it feels bad to be stressed over that but, there is a guy who i know likes me like a lot. i think i'm like exactly his taste and he's always so excited about seeing or talking to me. one of my besties - or maybe more. idk - really wants us to get together bc tbh it'll probably be good for both of us, and y'all know how desperate i am to be loved lol. but i can't bring myself to like him the way he likes me 💔 he's fun but i have a hard time with one on one interactions so i can't really progress things and tbh, idk if i'm currently in a mindset where i even should, given all that^. also i know for a fact i can't handle an actual relationship, and i'm scared i'll disappoint him or drive him away if i'll be my real unfiltered self, and ik i need to be obsessed with someone to get attached this quickly but i can't force it either. and to put it more directly... i'm perfect for him and his taste, but not the other way around 🥲 (tho tbf idk what my taste even is. i identify as aroace for a reason). i don't wanna string him along but i think i already kind of am 😭 i like him but not as much as he likes me, but what i probably like here even more is the feeling of being liked. and that makes me feel like a dick. i also feel guilty for not liking him the same way ig even tho ik it's stupid bc it's not like i can control it. and yet

so yeah this is. a lot of shit. all at once. both silly and not silly at all. my brain is in constant overload. i get violently suicidal every time i have a moment alone with my thoughts or when i see anything that reminds me of that. bc all this stress makes life feel so impossible - it IS impossible - that i can't handle the thought of it, but half of the things that cause me stress are supposed to be for the purpose of distracting me from how stressful everything is. so. what the fuck am i supposed to do about all that. how am i supposed to live like at all

#vent #this was written very out of order #i don't expect anyone to read this but if you do. 1 sorry 2 are you okay 3 i love you #it feels better to post things than to just write them in a doc yknow??#not sure why. maybe it's the feeling of not being alone with these thoughts ig. or getting some external validation #it did help tho. i feel like i can actually go to sleep now maybe. wow #edit: holy shit i just checked. this took nearly 2 hours to type. wtf. damn guess i really needed that akdkglhlj #btw if you do read this you gotta like this post 🧐 so. i know. bc i like knowing. sorry

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