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pixiedoodlein · 3 years

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10 days until school and I’m no more decided than I was a week ago. I flip flop ten times day about what might be best. A is sick of hearing me talk about it. He doesn’t disagree with my risk assessment but he is sick of talking about it.

It caused an issue with his friend, a friend who is his best friend and is unvaccinated and works in a jail. Months ago we told friend he could only visit (this place is their boyhood dream) once he’s vaccinated. Friend typically believes in science and is very health conscious but his gf is a moron Trump lover and her family the same and that’s who he’s been spending all his time with since this all started. When I asked friend why he’s not vaccinated he said he’s young & healthy, didn’t trust the vaccines, would do it when they got full fda approval. Plenty of young healthy people are dead of this. Anyway then I asked ok so what if you give it to someone who isn’t and dies, people incarcerated in the jail he works in and don’t have the luxury of social distancing, and he was like eh whatever. So yes friend is an asshole, but his best friend for decades, friend has always been kind of an asshole but has many redeeming qualities too. So we said no visit. But then in July when there was no covid here and no covid where he lives and we were blissfully living our covid free lives we loosened up and said he could visit with two negative tests. But then covid got bad again and when asshole friend contacted A the other day to say he took time off in late Sept to visit, A said sorry, it’s fully fda approved now you have no excuses not to vaccinate, we’re worried about our unvaccinated kids, and as of now you can’t visit but hey maybe if you get vaccinated and the numbers look better we can reassess in a month and you can come. Friend was a total dick about it, didn’t understand our point of view at all, stressed A about it, who was in a bad mood about it for days afterward.

Then there’s the neighbors. I had a chat with the kids and a chat with the mom. I framed it as we love them so much and I know they’re careful but I think we should all be more careful while the numbers are so rising (aka only outdoor hangouts) and we are careful but I’ve heard terrifying stories from doctor friends about kids and babies getting very sick, and they have a baby who I don’t want us to make sick, and she said she agreed. The kids have been pretty good about making the adjustment from constant sleepovers to playing outside but M keeps asking me “the kids need to pee are they allowed to use the bathroom, the kids are hungry are they allowed to come inside even for one minute for a snack,” and I feel like the villain (I’ve been saying yes to pee, snacks I’ll bring out). Everyone’s been understanding but nobody is getting what I mean when I say only outdoor socializing. All the kids keep asking me when I’ll take them to town again for ice cream, “but it’s outside” (um yeah but the car’s not), asking their mom to ask me for sleepovers even though they know what the answer will be. The other day they were playing in our yard then it started raining and they were like “we can’t walk home in the rain”- I don’t want them to walk home in the rain, but again the car is indoors!- so I drove them home (but made M stay at our house). They’re not my kids so I can’t make them wear masks and it feels like now I am in the position of being the mean parent who’s psycho about covid, which in a way I am, but it would help me to stick to my guns and feel okay about sticking to them if the government policies matched the severity of the situation, ie mask mandates in public places (instead of stores posting polite recommendations), vaccine mandates, virtual learning options, etc.

Which brings me to school. After selling M hard on real school, then I sold her hard on home school. She already “did” 3rd grade last year (as much as me teaching her in my pajamas counts as doing), but this district has an earlier cut off than the city, so she’s in 3rd grade again here. Which is fine by me- her birthday is the same day as the very late nyc cut off (12/31) and I hated that she was the absolute youngest. I used to beg the school to hold her back and they’d say “but why she’s doing so well!” not understanding that I was thinking ahead to the teen years. But anyway, despite her haphazard pj’d professor, she seemed to learn a lot last year so homeschool this year could basically be unschool. She’d traipse around the forest identifying birds and trees with A and her brother, reading for pleasure, and I’d spend an hour here and there reviewing some worksheets with her so she’d be on track when she starts real school after she gets vaccinated. She was into the idea, until she found out she and one of the neighbor kids are in the same class. Now she absolutely wants to go to real school, AND ride the school bus. The school bus part makes me very nervous. While there is now a school mask mandate (but will it be enforced? what are their lunch procedures, what % of teachers are vaccinated, what % of the older kids in the same building as the little kids are vaccinated, did they actually really update their ventilation system?) and a bus mask rule, it’s a long rural route (15 min drive or 45 min bus) and I have no faith that bus windows will be open and all riders will be masked the whole time.

So just tell her she can go to school but has to be driven by a parent, right? Not so simple. I was offered a job at a (somewhat, commuting distance) nearby nonprofit- an easy low stress job in a bastion of liberalism with very very nice smart coworkers, excellent work life balance, a writing job that sounds made for me, like the job description is exactly what I would put together if I were putting together my dream job (except the pay, which is half what I was making at a fancy DC nonprofit, but high for this area, and our housing cost is half so it should be fine if A can get away from little guy long enough to bring in some money too). It’s mostly remote but approx one day a week in the office and some days there will be things I need to attend out in the community (not necessarily our community, they serve the whole region). It won’t always be the same day in the office and the office is an hour away- so on those days A would have no car to get her to and from school, since I’d need to leave before school starts and get home after it’s done. So I guess we need to buy a new car? Aside from this issue we really don’t need a second car now, were planning to get one eventually, but not until A’s business has enough projects to justify the cost.

Despite its many demands/challenges/ stressors, home school is sounding easier to me at this point (especially because she already did this grade), except she WANTS to go to school. Someone talk me out of putting some lipstick and a pantsuit on her and taking her to get vaccinated. I know, I know: the 5-11 dosage is 1/3 of the 12-adult dosage. The doctors I’ve spoken to are split on this hypothetical kamikaze mission. The doctors I’ve spoken to are also split on me and A going to a pharmacy now for booster. It’s been almost 6 months since our 2nd dose. We do not have compromised immune systems. This county has way more doses than demand and I would feel better sending M to school (bus or not) if we had our boosters and she had a first dose- moral and scientific quandaries aside- because there is A LOT of covid here now, a lot of covid everywhere now, and I feel like we are returning to regular life at the time when we should be most hunkered down.

Which brings me to the data. Per capita there are as many known cases here as in nyc, except nyc has a 50% higher vax rate, much more mask usage, better medical system. People are not getting enough tests here, there is a higher positivity rate, and so I think the actual number of cases is much higher than the reported number of cases. It seems like, friends here and in the city and in the suburbs (I just broke up with a friend in the suburbs because she professes to be a good democrat but is hosting a bonafide super spreader event and vacationing in a place with 39% positivity and a collapsed health care system), are thinking of covid as something you catch from strangers- they wear masks in stores- but aren’t careful at all around close friends and family (so many extended family gatherings, so many, cousins and grandparents and half-siblings and aunts and uncles and whoever), when this is a disease that kills via the people you love most, the ones who’d never intentionally hurt you.

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tlou-1 · 3 years

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Joel x Reader - Homes (Chapter 8)

Warnings: for cussing and smut/sexual content

Chapter 8 - Telling Ellie

That night you and Joel weren’t gentle with each other. As soon as he closed the door to the house you could feel him behind you, pushing your hair out of the way to be able to trail his mouth along your shoulders to you neck. “You drive me crazy” he murmurs against your skin. You would do things to get this kind of reaction from him, knowing he couldn’t do or say anything to you in public you sometimes found yourself bending down slowly to reach for things in the bar knowing he was looking right at you.

Both of you simply just want each other there and then. Joel pulls you from the hallway to the kitchen. No way could he wait till carrying you upstairs to have you. He pulls down your clothing so you’re only in your panties as he hoists you up on the counter. He starts with his hands as he moves and reacts to your moans against his shoulder. You push him back slightly so he is looking at you, before you go any further

“When will Ellie be back?” You pant.

“Don’t worry I said she had to be home for nine tonight, we got time” he grabs your hips and pulls you closer to him.

You pull at his belt trying to undo it whilst you he removes his shirt. Once you do and he is finally free of all his clothing, he teases you “What do you want?” Putting his finger under your chin to look up at him.

“You know what I want, I want you” you plead as you put your hand to the back of his head trying to pull him closer.

“God I just love it when you say it” He smirks as he swiftly enters you making you call out his name in response.

You are both damp with sweat and red in the face when Joel goes stiff and quickly pulls out. Both of you are left panting trying to catch your breath. “That was fucking close” Joel mutters to himself. There wasn’t much birth control going about in post apocalyptic world so you mostly had to rely on Joel pulling at the right time but you trusted him with your life on patrols and you could trust him with this.

“Do you want to stay tonight? He asks pulling his shirt back on. It was rare you ever stayed, maybe if Ellie was staying at a friends but that wasn’t often.

“What about Ellie? What if she-“ before you could finish Joel takes your hand in his and brushes the inside of wrist with his lips.

“Just come to bed, I am exhausted after that. We can talk there”.

You pull one of Joel’s shirts off their hangers and climb into bed propping yourself on top of him. Joel wouldn’t sleep until he knew Ellie was home safe but she still had over half an hour and she was rarely back early now she had her friends. He begins to trace circles on the outside of your thighs and adjusts himself so he is sitting up slightly.

Joel clears his throat “I think we should have a talk with Ellie about us”. You are slightly taken a back, you knew you would have to talk to Ellie at some point but you had always thought you and Joel would have spoken about your relationship first.

“Don’t you think we should talk about us first?” You asks tilting your head at him.

“Hmm, well. I think your sister seems to have some idea fo what’s going on. I see the way she watches us both and if Molly thinks she knows, I am sure Jessie knows along with Tommy.” He pieces together.

He wasn’t wrong and to top it off there had been a lot of eyes on you both tonight which would undoubtably lead to talk tomorrow. “Okay but what do we tell them all?” You sigh.

“Well I do feel too old to be calling anyone my girlfriend” he laughs but then a gentle ernest look washes over his face “but I know that I haven’t met anyone like you Y/N in a hell of a long time, maybe not ever. You are pretty fierce thing, you’re witty, you keep me on my toes and I feel at home when I am with you” he finishes and you slip both your hands at the back of his head again.

“We can tell her tomorrow that we are together” you say before pulling him in for a kiss.

Both of you curl up next to each other, Joel’s eyes watching the alarm clock on the bedside, 20:30. You knew he would stare at that clock for another fifteen minutes before he got overly tense or worried about Ellie’s whereabouts. “She’ll be here Joel, you know she always cuts it close to curfew” you mummer against his back. 20:45 and the door finally open and closes shut “Joel!” Ellie calls out in a loud whisper out of breath from the bottom of the stairs.

“Ellie I swear to god another 10 minutes and I would have been out in town looking for you” he calls back.

“I was only at Dina’s and you said nine o’clock tonight! I am on time” she says, you feel like you can hear her rolling her eyes and can’t help but let out a small laugh against Joel’s back which seems to make him take it easier.

“Just go to bed kiddo, its late and I want to talk with you in the morning”.

You wake as Joel shifts in the bed, your turn in closer to him as you feel the cool morning air let in from the moving duvet. He pulls your arms closer to him and he kisses the top of your head, his beard grazing your forehead. “Morning darlin” he says into your hair.

“Good morning” you reply and you burrow your head further into his chest. You never understood how people could stay in bed all day, you hadn’t really seen the appeal before Joel.

“I know I could stay in bed too but I need to get up and speak with Ellie before she hears anything from someone else” he smiles back at you as he gets ready for the day. You loved watching him dress for the day, there was something so mundane about him getting dressed for the day but it was something only you got to see. “Do you want me to come with you” you ask sitting up.

“Not just now, I heard her get up. Give us a few minutes and then come down and join us” he sighs, you could tell he was a bit nervous. You grab his hand and pull him in for a quick kiss.

“She’ll be fine”.

After a while you begin to get yourself dressed and ready for the day. You could hear Ellie and Joel had speaking for a while but you really didn’t want to invade this private moment between them. It sounded quiet enough when you began to make your way downstairs, peering through the kitchen doorway you can see Joel and Ellie sat at the table. “Come on YN. We are all done now” Joel smiles. Ellie turns her head around to see you “Morning Y/N, have fun last night?” She laughs. “What?” Both you and Joel say in unison shocked. Ellie looks between you rolling her eyes “Last night? Heard you knocked some guy out. Bad ass”. You and Joel both begin laughing and Ellie joins in as you sit down to you first of many breakfast together.

#tlou fanfic #tlou #tloupartll #the last of us #The Last of Us Part 2 #the last of us part ii #Joel Miller #joel x reader #joel miller x reader #joel miller smut #Joel Miller series #the last of us part 2 fanfic #Joel Miller Fluff #Ellie Williams #tlou jesse

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tinyboxxtink · 3 years

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Build Me Up Buttercup *PART 7*

Whooo man, I don’t know if this is a longer chapter or not. I had planned on splitting the situations into two separate chapters, but it seemed short so I combined them.

If you need to catch up!

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 8

Tag List: @wanniiieeee

Rafael slammed the door to the men’s room open, terrifying some poor cowboy just trying to use the john.

“Sorry…” He nodded apologetically to the guy who grumbled some obscenities as he washed his hands and left, leaving Rafael alone to stew.

Why had he just done that?! Why did he have to glance back at your table as soon as you closed your eyes? In that split second, he had locked eyes with Olivia. They were so close it was like they could telepath whole sentences between each other; and the look she had given him in that moment was definitely saying “What the FUCK do you think you’re doing?”.

Truth be told he really had no idea what he was doing, it all happened so fast. Really, the whole day was a blur. Before today you were just a junior detective to him, albeit a very sexy one. But truthfully you were barely a blip on his radar; you didn’t speak much, and when you did it was usually insulting him or contradicting. How had this one out of town trip completely flipped your relationship through a dryer tumble cycle? First the song in the car, the coffee in the car, the Fahey’s bathroom, and now this. At one point did he start…falling for you? Was he even falling for you? Were you planning this thing all along? Had you been seducing him? No, surely he wasn’t that dumb to just be seduced by a pair of pretty eyes and a tight t-shirt...and a soft soul who’d been through so much at so young…

NO.

He wasn’t doing this. Not here, not now.

----

“What do you mean, he just left?”

Once again you had fled to the bathroom, this time to update your BFF on the never ending nightmare that was this day.

“I mean he LEFT. He mumbled some bullshit about being ‘sorry’ and just….walked away. No I’m sorry, he RAN away.”

“Well...maybe he got scared?”

“A grown man?”

“I don’t know from what you’ve said about him, he seems pretty high strung am I right?”

“That’s putting it lightly…”

“I mean the fact that you even got him on that dance floor sounds like a miracle to me, maybe he just got in his head all of a sudden,”

“Maybe…”

“Which means….” they paused ominously.

“Means what?” you asked skeptically.

“You’ve gotten yourself a def con one situation here, babe,”

“...What?” you were completely lost.

“Everyone knows the rule, Y/N” they kept completely serious.

“Wha-What RULE?”

“The RULE! Once you have a…’moment’ with someone that gets interrupted, you HAVE to actually kiss them...or bang them but let’s be realistic,” they continued in a very serious tone, despite the fact that they were talking conspiracy theories.

“Is ANY of that realistic? What happens if you ‘break’ this rule?”

“You have to kiss them in 24 hours or else you’ll just stay friends forever,” They stated like an oracle.

“Do you hear yourself when you talk, or has the crazy just become white noise at this point?” You rolled your eyes.

“Mock all you want, but you remember Duncan and Sarah?”

“They went on one date and decided to be friends?”

“No no, they went on one date and she got called away before the end of it, thus nixing the good night kiss. And then the next time they ‘went out’, it had been 72 hours and when he went in for the good night kiss, she said they were better AS FRIENDS,”

“...THAT’S what you're basing this insane rule on? A story about people we barely know?”

“Well, it was also on Scrubs. Elliot and JD had to go through SO MUCH just because he couldn’t man up in those 24 hours!” They insisted.

“Oh my god, I’m hanging up--”

“WAIT WAIT WAIT, Come on Y/N just hear me out,” They begged. You sighed, putting two fingers across your eyes.

“Alright, let’s hear it,”

“Look, you can choose to think I’m full of shit, but you gotta ask yourself: Are you willing to chance it?”

You bit your lip, actually pondering if she could be right.

“And you better think REAL quick, because your time has already been cut in half,” they added.

“NOW what the hell are you talking about?”

“You’re like, on a ‘vacation’ right now. Barba is FINALLY seeing you, like a person. A woman. Someone who’s not up his ass for warrants or bitching about deadlines,”

“I’m not that--” you tried protesting.

“Shush. No time. You’re in like, another dimension right now. I’ll bet money as SOON as you hit the city line he’s gonna go back to his robot self and remember the fact that you two are completely inappropriate--”

“Oh come on that’s a strong--” you once again tried defending yourself.

“I’m just saying what he’s gonna reason, babe. You know I’m right,”

You paced the bathroom now, thinking of all the reasons you and Barba were bad news.

“....What if he’s already there? What if that’s why he walked off? What if he’s talking himself out of….ANYTHING?”

“THIS IS WHAT I’M SAYING, HELLO You need another ‘moment’, but without everyone staring at you. I’ll bet you anything that’s what got him into his head all of a sudden,”

Your eyes widened, remembering the front row seats your entire squad had to your little romantic moment.

“Oh my god you might be right...they were all staring at us,”

“See?? You need to get him alone,” They went on, as you walked out of the bathroom.

“...Fuck,”

“What? Fuck what? WHAT?!”

“I may have run out of time,”

You saw Barba approaching the booth again, Olivia gesturing wildly. The body language of their conversation did not seem very encouraging. What was worse, Amber walked up and handed them a check.

“I think we’re leaving, Olivia got the check and she looks like a mad mom bitching out her ten year old for trying to swipe candy,” You groaned, ducking behind a man with a huge cowboy hat and following behind him to a seat at the bar, out of the squad’s eye line.

“You need more time! You can’t just get in the car and drive back with everybody there, the ‘moment’ will never happen!”

“Okay can you stop with this, I’m already flipping out enough without you stating the obvious,” you twirled your hair and bit your lip.

“....You need to do something to your car.” they suddenly threw that at you like it was a completely reasonable statement.

“EXCUSE ME?”

“Slash one of your tires!”

“Are you high right now, be honest with me,” You narrowed your eyes.

“Desperate times, babe,”

“Desperate times, not PSYCHOTIC times,”

“Look if you have a flat tire, you’ll have to call AAA and have them come and fix it, that should give you at least an hour. Then you can go back inside, get him ALONE, and get your moment!” They tried reasoning with you. Was that Hurricane THAT strong, or were they actually making some sense?

“...Why am I listening to this?” you kept a straight face, even though it was just a phone call.

“You can act smug all you want baby, but I can hear it in your voice; you’re considering it,”

“Of course I’m considering it! But it’s...it’s insane. It’s like, ‘Fatal Attraction’ crazy,”

“Ok I’m not telling you to boil his bunny, just inconvenience yourselves for another hour, drama queen,” you could hear both of you rolling your respective eyes at each other.

“And what’s more insane; puncturing a tire, or giving up something we both know you’ve wanted for MONTHS,” They pointed out.

“How do you--” You blinked in disbelief.

“Girl, please. I knew before you did, and I’ve never even met the man,”

After several more moments of silence, you pulled your keys towards your face.

“...I’ll call you later,”

Before you could talk yourself out of it, you sprinted outside to the parking lot and back to your car. You pulled the nail file attached to your key ring, and stared at your tires.

“God forgive me…” You sighed, making a sign of the cross across your chest before kneeling next to your left rear tire.

You dragged the nail file across the tire, it barely made a scratch. Panic began filling your head, thinking of missing any chance to have Rafael’s lips on yours. Your BFF was right, you probably had a thing for him the moment you met him; even though you hadn’t even dared to let yourself think about it, until this morning. This WAS like an alternate dimension, it was like the rules of the ‘normal’ world were moot.

The emotions of it all bubbled to a head as you stared at the tire; with a sort of pathetic battle cry, you PLUNGED the nail file into your tire and pulled it HARD across the top. Air came gushing out, the tire deflating in mere seconds. You sat back, the nail file in your hand like a machete, your breath going in and out like you had just run a marathon. Okay, you did go a LITTLE psycho there for a second.

You barely had time to admire the work, you knew you had to go back inside to make it look like you had been in the bathroom this whole time.

There was no going back now.

----

Back inside you weaved in and out of the crowd back towards the bathroom, then made a turn for the booth so it looked like you had come from that direction. You walked up slowly, still hidden in the crowded bar as you heard an exchange between Barba and Oliva.

“...What I’m saying is, don’t start leading her on when you know it’s not going anywhere,”

“How do you know it’s not going anywhere, Liv?”

“Barba. Be serious,”

Oh hell no. Who was she to make that decision? Surely he didn’t think that...did he?

“HEY, hi,” you spoke up loudly, the entire group jumping at your rather loud greeting.

“Oh hey Y/N we uh, I got the check. I just went ahead and paid for everybody, and when I say I, I mean Dodd’s,” She smiled, like she hadn’t just insulted the fuck out of you.

“Oh, yeah? Ready to head home then?” You acted completely oblivious, noticing Rafael was avoiding your eyes.

“Yeah, I’ve got my nanny waiting on me and it’s already...8 o clock?!” Olivia gasped, looking at her phone.

“Good lord, how long have we been here? I better call my sitter,” Amanda grabbed her own phone out of her bag as the group walked out.

“Well, we were driving for a good 45 minutes outside of Hartford before Rafael made us stop here,”

“Wait, what?” You now for the very first time, took a good long look at the parking lot. The bar was next to a motel on one side, a gas station on the other side next to it. And then field, across from it. And for miles.

You were literally in the middle of nowhere.

“Oh god…” you muttered, mentally yelling obscenities at your BFF and yourself for listening to their bat shit logic. Fin glanced at you quizzically, overhearing your ranting-- and then you heard Sonny’s voice.

“Is that….?”

You saw him gesture towards your back wheel. FUCK.

“Oh my god, are you serious?? A Flat tire?!” Amanda slammed her phone against your car.

“Barba must have driven across a nail, or glass, or something in the parking lot. Probably a broken beer bottle if we’re being honest,” Sonny scoffed looking at the less than stellar cars in the parking lot.

“Hey it’s not Barba’s fault!” You snapped defensively, once again mentally face palming. THINK before speaking.

“I mean it’s...it’s nobody’s fault, right? I mean, maybe the road people? Or, drunk hicks? Certainly no one here in this vicinity though, I mean obviously,” Nope, still couldn’t stop talking.

Olivia’s eyes narrowed, looking from you to Barba, who was staring at the pavement silently. She started to say something, but realized she had no concrete evidence to start throwing accusations.

“She’s right Liv, it was just a stupid accident,” Fin chimed in, patting Olivia’s shoulder.

“Do you at least have AAA?” Olivia asked you, still suspicious of the sudden turn of events.

“Oh yeah, I’ve...I’ve never used it before though,” You dug into your wallet and pulled out a worn out AAA card. Olivia took it and started dialing the number into her phone.

You took this moment to start your mission, despite the fact that your plan was quickly running off the rails.

“Can we…?” You motioned sideways, Barba nodded and moved to the side with you.

“Look, Y/N. The whole dance thing it was, cute. Flattering.”

“Flattering?” you scoffed. Seriously?

“But, I mean you know we’re in front of the whole squad, and we’re working,” His words cut you like knives. Was he actually implying that whole was embarrassing?

“ ..And I just don’t think--”

“ARE YOU SERIOUS?” Olivia’s booming voice snapped you both out of the conversation.

“Yeah, well-- thanks a lot,” she scoffed, tossing your card as she hung up the phone.

“Hey I might--” you walked back over to her, her red hot eyes meeting yours.

“You don’t have AAA out here,” she spoke directly to you, the annoyance of her voice turning to anger.

“W-What do you mean they don’t--”

“I mean, Y/N-- your AAA card is for NEW YORK, and we’re still in CONNECTICUT,”

“Liv seriously will you knock it off? Leave her alone, she didn’t know,” Barba finally spoke up in defense of you, putting space between you and Olivia.

“I’m...I’m sorry, Y/N. I know it’s not your fault,” she apologized, not knowing it was indeed your fault.

“What am I gonna tell Lucy? We’re going to be stuck here until morning,” She sighed.

“Morning?” Amanda exclaimed angrily. “What about my Jesse?”

“I’m sure Lucy will watch her at my place with Noah, Amanda. I’ll call her right now,” Olivia assured her, the two of them walking off to the side.

You started running your hands through your hair and pacing like mad, trying not to hyperventilate. This wasn’t supposed to happen!! This was supposed to be a MINOR inconvenience, not a crisis! WHY did you listen to your BFF?

“Hey, are you ok?” Barba came up behind you and put both hands on your shoulders.

“Come on Y/N you know that’s not what I--” he protested but you wouldn’t hear it.

“Why do you care all of a sudden? Didn’t I embarrass you in front of your colleagues?” You snapped your head around, glaring at him.

“Can we please just forget it, PLEASE? I am already getting my karmic ass kicked, I don’t need you lecturing me on top of it,” You started walking towards the door of the bar.

“What? I’m not lecturing you I don’t--” He trailed behind you.

“EXACTLY,” You spun back around, planting your feet as you stared directly into his eyes. He stopped suddenly almost on top of you, surprised by your sudden stop; his puppy dog eyes were begging you to forgive him.

“Exactly. You don’t want to, I get it counselor. I get it. I should have never--” you feigned tears welling up in your throat.

“Carino--” he went for your hand.

“Don’t. Just-- I’m sorry. For all of this,” You snapped your hand back and ran back inside the bar, noticing Barba following right behind you. Your fake tear filled face now slid into a sly smirk.

You were getting this moment come hell or high water now.

#rafael barba #rafael barba x reader #rafael barba x you #rafael barba imagine #law and order svu #law and order special victims unit #svu fanfiction #build me up buttercup

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abreathofthewild · 4 years

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And They Were Roommates, Chapter 2/?

Summary: After the events of Endgame, the Avengers try to regain a semblance of normalcy. Steve Rogers decides to move to a small town, get a regular job and a regular roommate…

Word Count: 3709

Warnings: mentions of alcohol. aftermath of a break-in. mentions of blood (small amount!). suggestiveness. eventual warnings for traumatic flashbacks and ptsd. eventual warnings for smut.

Notes: Hello friends! As promised, Chapter 2 of And They Were Roommates is here. I had a ton of help from @gothiclocalcryptid who went above and beyond proofreading and editing with me so HUGE shoutout to her <3. It was so much fun writing this chapter, especially since I got the inspiration to somehow double the word count?! My essays could never. Thanks for reading and I hope y’all enjoy!

Links: Chapter 1

The physical act of getting out of bed two hours later was nearly impossible. You could care less if you fell into a hole and never came back out. Even the sun rising, soft and golden over the skyline, and the smell of freshly ground coffee beans serenading your senses didn’t really improve your mood.

“Not to be rude, but you look like death warmed over.” The second opening barista, Vanessa, almost never minced words. This morning was no exception. You shot her a playful glare as you followed her to the back, throwing your bag and jean jacket into your locker as she placed another tray of crescents in the oven. “Long night?” The question was followed by her handing you an iced coffee with heavy cream, just the way you liked it.

“How’d you guess?” Your question and expression dripped with sarcasm. “Steve--”

“Steve. Steve! If I hear this story I know I’m going to feel like kicking his ass.”

You gathered your hair into a ponytail and sighed, taking another long sip of your drink. At 6:30, customers were starting to file in, but the early birds were sporadic; it wouldn’t get really busy until about 9 or so. Your face lit up as you greeted the older woman who had walked up to the counter, and she frowned as she heard the tail end of Vanessa’s sentence. After making her latte with no foam, you proceeded to set up extra pastries in the display case and wipe down the countertops.

“Look. He pays half the rent, and we never specified we couldn’t bring people to the house. But sometimes, he decides that 2 AM is a good time to bring home… guests.” You didn’t need to bring other people down to get your point across. But... there was an underlying feeling there you didn’t want to acknowledge. Sure, these girls were gorgeous, but they seemed so… fake. Maybe they didn’t seem fake, so much as not right for Steve. Vanessa saw the excuse me expression manifest on your face as you warred with the thought. You proceeded to tell her how the rest of the young woman’s visit had gone. “...And now he’s picking me up when I get off.” You decided to leave out the part where you walked in and he had watched you watch him. The part where your heart had stuttered so hard in your chest you knew the super soldier could hear it. The part where his mouth so close to your ear had sent a shiver tripping down your spine.

“Earth. To. Y/n.” Vanessa’s mouth was agape as she waved her hand in front of your face. “Girl, where the hell did you go just then? Is there something you’re not telling me? I mean, what could be better than finding out that Captain America is taking my favorite coworker on a date?!”

“It’s not a da--”

“Ah! Ah! Don’t interrupt me! What could be better than finding that out? You’ve despised his cocky attitude. He brings random girls home all the time. It’s not very considerate. He knows he’s too beautiful for his own good and he shows it. Yet, despite being woken up like two hours before you had to get ready for work, you’ve gotten surprisingly peppy the longer you’ve been here. Could it be… No.” Vanessa gasped as a huge shit-eating grin plastered itself on her face. You eyed her warily while the sudden feeling of being totally exposed washed over you. “Could it be you like him?” You shook your head vigorously. Nope. No way.

“Um, no? You just gave me a bullet list of all the things to dislike. I’m sure he was different… before… We all were. He is a hero. Always will be. But he’s at a different point in his life now. I haven’t seen the good guy side of him in person.” Your mind skipped over his smile in the photo on the mantle. “He’s a cad!” You said in your best British accent. Vanessa glared at you in playful disbelief.

“Sure. Okay. I’ll play along. Do you even know where you’re going? Do you have anything to change into?” She emphasized the last question like it was the most important thing in the world. You shrugged your shoulders. In all honesty, the only thing you could focus on that morning was to throw some makeup staples in your bag as you had stumbled out the door. She closed her eyes and let out a quiet sigh. “It’s all good. I’ve got something. I always keep a dress in my car, just in case.”

“Vanessa, you’re too much,” you giggled. “I don’t really wear dresses. He sees me like this every day. It’s not a date. He’s taking me out as an apology. If he can’t deal with me in jeans and a t-shirt, that’s his problem, not mine.”

“You’re with me for another six hours, and I can be very convincing.”

Sure enough, 12:45 rolled around--the two mid-shifters taking over for you two having already clocked in--and Vanessa was pushing you into the employee bathroom to change. You applied some mascara, tinted chapstick, and slipped into the dress. The white cotton felt like heaven, and the v-neck did everything for your curves. You made a mental note to attempt to get something for her that could pay her back. After you let your hair down from the ponytail that was starting to give you a slight headache, you stepped out and grabbed your bag. When you came around front, Vanessa stopped dead in her tracks.

“Ay, Dios mio! You’re gonna make me regret wearing that dress after you, ‘cause I know it won’t look that good on me.” She hooked her arm in yours as the two of you meandered to the front of the coffee shop. “Are you nervous?”

You turned your head sharply in her direction. Were you nervous?

“No, why would I be?”

Vanessa rolled her eyes. “I am still 100 percent convinced this is a date. I would be nervous. What time is it?” You glanced at your phone screen. The numbers read 1:06. A slight flutter of uncertainty pinged around your chest. That first thought of this is stupid… I’m stupid. You shook your head to clear it.

“Let’s go outside and wait. It’s so pretty out today!” It was. There were exactly five tables and chairs outside, and luckily, the one that sat under the dogwood tree was free. It was tucked farther in the back, closer to the building, with an unobstructed view of the street. These factors all made for good people watching. One considerably long conversation later, which had been punctuated by periodic glances at your phone under the guise of checking the time, Vanessa finally hopped up from her seat, planting her hands firmly on her hips as she leveled a stern look at you.

“Uh-uh, we’re not doing this. He proved whatever point needed to be proved. You’ve got better things to do with your time. There’s a new little Mexican-Korean fusion place down the street that I’ve been dying to try. We could drive there faster than you can walk home!” She held her hand out to you, and amidst the usual ‘I’m sure something came up’ excuses you were making for him (making excuses for him--what even was that thought process), you decided to take her lead on things. It wasn’t exactly like you were surprised but it still felt like a rock had been dropped in the pit of your stomach. The afternoon sun was now beating down on the two of you, and an air-conditioned building sounded so good.

“I do have to go home at some point though,” you intoned on a sigh. “It’s gonna be awkward. Probably. Maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll act like nothing happened.”

Vanessa scoffed. “Unlikely, but some good food and a couple of margaritas will be sure to help that anxiety float away.”

“Nessa! Day drinking? I’m simply scandalized.” But once again, Vanessa was right, and after a Korean Lime Margarita and some excellent Kimchi street tacos, you were in high spirits and ready to take on whatever awaited you back at the house. Vanessa offered to give you a ride home, but you opted for the fresh air and the walk since you were about twenty minutes away. It would give you time to clear your head.

The sun was still out in full force, but a lively breeze had come about so that by the time you turned off of Main Street onto Pine Street, you felt as if you were walking on clouds. Steve had better things to do with his time than to make sure your feelings weren’t hurt. You were a grown woman and he had apologized last night. And if he had been rude today by not shooting you a text letting you know he couldn’t make it… well, it wasn’t unexpected coming from the Steve you knew.

You were so engrossed in giving yourself a pep talk that you got up to your front door, key in hand, without noticing that the door was in fact already open. Immediately the hairs went up on your neck. Something was off. Your breathing came out a little bit fast and shallow. Where was Steve? It was the first thought you could latch on to. He wouldn’t be home. Right? If somebody had broken in he would have made fast work of them. Maybe you were being silly. Should you call out for him? Should you even go inside?

You stood frozen on the doorstep, keys in hand as a makeshift weapon, until you heard noise coming from inside. It sounded like someone was sweeping up broken glass. A sigh of relief escaped your lungs when you finally stepped over the threshold and made your way past the living room and into the kitchen. There was Steve, the door to the backyard open and letting in the breeze. The first thing to catch your eye was the cabinet door hanging on one hinge. The second was all the broken glass. There was so much of it, probably from the dishes that had fallen out of the broken cabinet. Steve was sweeping it into the dustpan. The third thing you noticed was when he finally realized you were there, and he turned to you on a dime. You took in his face; it was flushed, and a nasty open gash was slowly bleeding down the left side of his face.

Time stopped for a moment as the two of you watched each other. The light coming through the west-facing kitchen window was golden, slanting in such a way that it hit Steve’s hair just right, setting it alight. At first, his expression was uncertain. Then his eyes widened, almost imperceptibly, as he realized what he had missed. He turned and threw the debris into the trash can he had dragged to the middle of the floor. His movements were slow, deliberate. You set your bag on the hook next to the open door and walked over to the sink, grabbing a cloth and wetting it down.

“What happened?” You heard him take a deep breath behind you. “Steve, sit down. Let’s take care of that cut.” It was surprising that he did as he was told, the second-hand oak chair creaking under the size of him. You moved slowly as you walked towards him, sensing that whatever had happened was a big deal; the normally-outspoken super soldier seemed at a loss for words.

When he was sitting, it gave you the once-in-a-lifetime chance to be looking down at him. He was still tall, only a few inches shorter in this position, but it was a different perspective nonetheless. The clean washcloth you had wet down felt cool in your hands. The sensation was the only thing keeping you grounded when you stopped in front of him, stepping between his knees to get a closer look at the wound. You bit your lip as you concentrated, softening the dabbing motions when Steve hissed at the contact.

“This should be healing, shouldn’t it?” Your voice was much quieter than you intended it to be. “Do we need to contact S.H.I.E.L.D?” He shook his head and closed his eyes; you had full opportunity to study his face. The beard had been a nice addition, you thought absently. His eyelashes were fanned out across his cheeks. Who had eyelashes that long? It was a bit ridiculous. His lips were pursed and quite involuntarily you wondered what it would be like to kiss them. A lock of hair had fallen into his face, and as you brushed it back, carding your fingers through the dark golden crown, his hands flew up to grasp your hips.

The motion startled you, but you were rooted to the spot. His hands were big, and the gentle motion of his thumbs made your breathing hitch. This was dangerous territory that definitely felt like it was coming out of nowhere. You weren’t equipped to deal with something like this. The heart behind your ribcage was thundering, thumping so hard you were sure it was going to give you away, betray you, and the emotions suddenly washing over you.

“I don’t need to contact them. Just a break-in that I wasn’t expecting. I chased him off. Normal life’s left me soft,” he finally gritted out in a quiet baritone. His hands were still splayed on your hips, and it took everything in you not to lean into the touch. “Guess I have to figure out some other way to say sorry.” You watched as his eyes fluttered open and a sheepish grin painted itself across his face. Was there an invitation there?

A shaky sigh escaped your mouth as you reluctantly extracted your hands from his hair and stepped back; you rolled your eyes, and just like that the old magic of the moment was broken. Still, something skipped in the air around you.

“You hardly have to worry about missing today when you were fighting an intruder, Steve. Don’t be ridiculous. Whaddya say to just whipping something up here and watching a movie? That’s my kind of apology anyway.” You dropped the cloth in the sink and turned around, crossing your arms and leaning back to look at him again. The physical distance had allowed the fog in your brain to clear just a little bit, until you saw the way he was watching you. Lazy, but focused at the same time. “What?” Your skin felt warm under his gaze.

“Nothing. You just look nice is all. Was that dress for me?” If anyone had looked at you right now, you were sure you would have looked like a deer in headlights. You weren’t sure whether to answer or not. His voice had gone all low, and now he was standing, making his way over to you with sure, slow steps. The floor creaked slightly under his weight. Oh, definitely not good. Steve reached forward once more, correcting the strap that had fallen down your shoulder. Goosebumps raced over your flesh. “I like the idea of staying here better too,” he rumbled. You pursed your lips and nodded, taking another huge breath.

“All right then. Um, I guess we should fix that cabinet door first?” Steve’s eyes searched yours for a moment before smiling and ducking his head.

“Yeah, I’ll grab the toolbox from the garage. I’ll take care of that if you can finish cleaning the mess off the counter?” Another nod.

“I’ll check the fridge too, I’m pretty sure we have all the ingredients for pizza.” You took a moment to watch his face; his eyes were distant. It took everything in you to tamp down the urge to reach out and touch him. “Steve, are you good?”

He stuck both thumbs in the air as he headed past you to the garage. Something in the set of his shoulders and the way he quickly avoided your gaze said otherwise, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it. The idea that this had just been a normal break-in seemed unlikely. Even if Steve hadn’t been interacting with S.H.I.E.L.D outside of occasional check-ins, there was no way Steve would have been caught off guard by a normal human being. Still, it didn’t feel like the right time to question him about it.

The two of you made quick work of the mess. After a small disagreement on whether pineapple actually belongs on pizza, with a compromise of half with pineapple, half without, the two of you finally settled on the couch to watch the movie. It was some secret agent rom-com you’d seen a few times before, but that always fit the bill for a chill night at the house. Steve, on the other hand, had not seen it and felt obligated to point out all the flaws in the action scenes. It made you smirk and elbow him more than once. After a while, though, you began to feel the tell-tale signs of sleep, your eyes drooping and your breath slowing.

It didn’t take him very long to notice.“Wanna head to bed, sleepyhead?”

You turned to him, your gaze briefly unfocused, and poked his arm.“I wouldn’t be tired at only eight pm if I hadn’t been woken up two hours before my four am alarm,” you replied with a smirk. Despite yourself, however, a yawn escaped your mouth. “I’ll take care of the dishes, it will help me wake up enough to finish the movie. You need to take a shower or anything after fighting the big bad wolf?”

Steve crossed his arms and let out a snort. You nudged his arm again with your elbow. “All jokes aside, thanks for keeping our house safe.” He stilled next to you but finally nodded.

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re welcome. Uh, yeah, I’ll go take a shower. You sure you don’t want any help?” Again, had he always been this nice?

“You’re fine. Go on.” If you had been able to read his mind, you would have known that to hear you say “our house” lit a fire in his veins. You wandered into the kitchen, noting how every detail seemed in focus; the night sounds coming in the open window, the smells of the breeze, the way the tile felt cool under your bare feet. The air felt charged with… what? You noted the gradual switch in your brain. Just this morning, you had been able to rattle off in your head all the reasons you hated living with Steve. You had even contemplated looking for someone else to room with. And now… now, after a brief conversation and some wound care, you really couldn’t figure out why you had decided to hate him. Hate was a pretty strong word.

Two plates and some intense daydreaming later, you wandered back into the living room just as Steve came back down the hallway, adjusting his shirt over the lower half of his stomach.

You were glad the lighting was low, because you were sure he would have seen the flush creep into your cheeks at the glimpse of bare skin across his abdomen. Absolutely ridiculous. Finish the movie. Go to bed. It was very simple. Or better yet, fake a headache? Could Captain America tell when someone was lying? Would you be surprised if he could? No. You sneaked a sideways glance at him as you sat down again. He smelled fresh and like a hint of Old Spice. His hair was combed back but still wet; little water droplets clung to the ends. Without a second thought, you reached out and turned his face to look at you.

“How’s that cut,” you murmured, suddenly quiet. The wound that just hours before had looked like it would need stitches now looked like a thin pink line. Oh god, his face was so close. You could close the space easily. There, there was that look again. Steve was not one to shy away from looking someone in the eyes, and every time he had looked at you in the last twenty-four hours had left you feeling weak and heavy, but in the best sort of way. Your phone buzzed from its place on the coffee table in front of you, the name “VANESSA” emblazoned on the front. You released a breath you hadn’t released you were holding and snatched the phone up. Steve cleared his throat and sat back.

“Hey, Nessa, what’s up?” What was up was that the opener for tomorrow morning had called out, and you were the most reliable on short notice. You agreed to cover the shift and let out a groan of disappointment when she told you she was working the night shift, so you wouldn’t even get to see her. Steve guessed what had happened from the conversation he could hear on his end (actually, he could easily hear both ends of the conversation, but that point was moot) so he locked up while you were getting last minute details.

“It’s all good,” he laughed when you tried to apologize. “We can finish the movie some other time. I had fun tonight. Oh, and, uh, thanks for the medical care.” He had shoved his hands in his sweatpants pockets and was rocking back on his heels. He looked every bit like someone who was definitely planning out his next move. He looked nervous, and somehow you couldn’t wrap your brain around that.

“Was the least I could do. I’ll see ya tomorrow?” Steve ducked his head with a smile. A smile that could stop traffic. A smile that had been burned into the mind of every US citizen as the poster boy for America. But to you, it was a smile that was warm. Familiar. And somehow now a smile that was starting to whisper home.

“Yeah, see you tomorrow.” Was there a promise there? You kept the shower water cold that night, trying to focus on something other than Steve Rogers.

#and were live #and they were roommates #inthorantine writes #steve rogers x reader #captain america x reader #steve rogers #captain america #guys im so hype #i cant believe i drilled out #close to 4k words #let me know what yall think

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horansqueen · 4 years

Text

You & Me : chapter 46

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42 || CHAPTER 43 || CHAPTER 44 || CHAPTER 45

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his -4.3k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

READ AM CONVERSATIONS AGAIN ON WATTPAD HERE

- notes: super nervous, only one last filler chapter and then the conclusion of the story (in 3 chapters). im stressed lol! if youre still here after all this time, I LOVE YOU!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : here arethe 2 requests i used! THANK YOU SO MUCH! (sorry its not really surprise birthday sex? but its a surprise... and its birthday sex lol!)

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 46 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

September 13th, 2018

"Are you sure you want to go out tonight?" my boyfriend asked as I tried to do something with my hair. "It's my only day off, I have a show tomorrow, I shouldn't be up too late."

"Of course I'm sure!" I argued with a frown, staring at him back from the mirror's reflection. "It's your birthday, you deserve a least a few pints. Besides, since when are you so reasonable?"

I bent closer to the mirror to put on lipstick and he appeared next to me, making me smile immediately. We had been through so much together, and I couldn't pretend the past few years haven't felt like roller coasters, but at the same time, my life would be so different without him. Obviously, we could have just stayed best friends, and perhaps, right now I would be dating someone I never even met, but no matter who it would have been, I knew it wouldn't have been my soulmate. Because my soulmate was staring right back at me through that mirror and everything made sense when he was near.

"I would be perfectly fine with you and I, staying here all night, completely naked, and calling room service." he pointed out, slipping his arms around me from behind and kissing my neck.

I felt a shiver run up my spine and my lips curled again.

"Oh you mean a day that ends with a 'Y'?" I half-joked as we both chuckled. "Seriously, when did you become an old man?"

He pulled away slightly to look at me and I turned my head, my eyes finding his. He was frowning with a smile and it made me smile too.

"Have we met?" he asked, raising his eyebrows before letting go of me with one of his arms and extending his hand to me. "Niall Horan, the oldest soul you'll ever meet. Nice to meet you, beautiful."

I laughed a bit and turned his way, cupping his face and running my thumbs on his cheeks. "Nice to meet you, Niall Horan. I'm Olivia Fontaine, your soulmate."

He moved closer and his lips curled into a fond smile. "Oh I know." he whispered before pressed his lips against mine.

I felt something stir in my chest and he deepened the kiss, making me whimper low in his mouth. "Niall..."

"Mm, how about we get naked for half an hour before we actually get a few pints?"

I chuckled against his mouth and shook my head, my lips still attached to his. "Mm, no, or else we'll just stay in this hotel room all night, and you know it."

He groaned and I chuckled again, taking a step back.

"Come on, let me get my dick wet, pet."

My eyes got bigger and my jaw dropped before I chuckled. "No! We're going out!"

He sighed with a smile and finally shrugged, giving in. "Fine, darling."

I hurried to get ready so he wouldn't change his mind again and we decided to take a cab to make sure we could both drink. I was a bit nervous and I kept looking at my watch and when we got there, he paid and I got out of the taxi before he grabbed my wrist gently.

"Hey, are you okay?" his tone was soft and I could hear concern in his voice. It made me tilt my head and smile.

"I'm okay, don't worry."

Without thinking, I grabbed his hand and pulled him inside as my eyes roamed around. My lips curled when my eyes found Louis and I suddenly felt relieved. He was smiling so I was probably not too late. I noticed everyone getting up and heard my boyfriend curse next to me but he didn't have time to say anything. They all started yelling a loud "SURPRISE!" as they raised their drinks up. I let my head fall back on my shoulders with a sigh and chuckled as all the anxiety left my body.

"Fucking finally!" I let out, squeezing my boyfriend's hand before letting him go as he laughed and thanked everyone, shaking hands and kissing cheeks.

I let myself fall next to Louis who just laughed and when I turned to him, he was looking at me with amused eyes.

"What, love?"

"It was not easy, he kept saying he wanted to stay home and fuck!" I argued, shaking my head a bit. "I'm not built to resist a good fuck from someone so sexy!"

"You need to tell your cute little cunt that it needs a break from time to time."

I laughed and hit his arm, making him laugh too. "Don't talk about my intimate body parts, please."

"Your genitals are no secret for me, my queen." he laughed again, making me grimace and groan low.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that." I mumbled before I felt a hand on top of mine.

"Me too." my boyfriend replied as I raised my nose up.

"Neil, your girlfriend was just telling me that you're sexually obsessed with her."

"LOUIS!" I let out as I heard my boyfriend start laughing.

"It's okay though," Louis added, ignoring me. "She added that she's just as obsessed with you anyway."

They both laughed and I rolled my eyes with a small smile. They started chatting and catching up and after a while, Niall got up to go talk with Julia. I leaned my chin on the palm of my hand, holding myself with my elbow on the table, and I just stared shamelessly at Niall who was now laughing with his friend, bringing his arm around her shoulders and pulling her closer to kiss the top of her head. I was not even jealous. If I had seen that two years ago, I would probably have cried, but at this exact moment, with Niall's friends around the table all gathered together for his birthday, I realized that all of this was real, and it was meant to last. It was totally different than the first time. I trusted him now, and it was easy to trust him because he had changed, and so did I. He had proved to me that he really sincerely loved me and I was pretty sure I had proved that I wouldn't throw tantrums at him the way I used to. I remember thinking it was not easy to date Niall, and perhaps I even told him at some point but now? Now it was easy and it felt natural. It was meant to be.

"I'm happy that you're happy." I heard Louis whisper near my ear. "No one deserves it more than you."

I turned to look in his eyes, my chin still leaned against my hand. "I know someone who does. You."

After a few hours, everyone was getting drunk and when Niall sat back next to me, he leaned his arm on the back of my chair and moved closer. My lips curled more and I bit my bottom lip as I felt the warmth of his body emanate on mine.

"I still want you, you know." he let out probably a bit louder than he intended.

"Yea?" I asked, turning my head slightly to look at him with an amused smile.

"Mmhm, but we've already had sex in a bar." he pointed out with a cute grimace.

"Nee, we've had sex almost everywhere." I explained with a chuckle as he smirked at me.

"Nop, we never had sex on top of a table." he said but cut me as I opened my mouth to argue. "In a bar, I mean."

"And it's not gonna happen."

He leaned closer and brushed his lips against my jaw and down my neck as his hand reached for my thigh. My heart skipped a beat and I held my breath as my eyes fluttered. No one else had that effect on me. Even when we were kids, I'd feel all warm inside whenever he'd touch me. It's just some sort of connection I couldn't explain, like his skin against mine created an electric reaction that made me euphoric. It was not only sexual, it was way more than that, way deeper, and way more meaningful.

"You know everyone would fucking enjoy the show, right?"

I chuckled again. "That would scar them for life! Remember when Louis caught us having sex while we were camping?"

Niall groaned, leaving a few kisses under my ear. "Louis is weak."

I chuckled and turned my head enough to reach his mouth with mine. "Too bad we didn't drive here and that we don't have a car, we could just get in to fuck and come back."

He pulled away and stared in my eyes a few seconds before the left corner of his lips moved up. I raised my eyebrows, wondering what he was thinking about and when he talked, it took me a few seconds to realize he was not talking to me, even if he was still staring right in my eyes.

"Give me the keys to your car, Louis."

"What?"

"Mm, Niall, they all took a flight to get here, no one has a car." I pointed out, a bit distracted by how pretty he was.

This time, he looked away from me, probably to look at my best friend, but all I could focus on was the vein in his neck popping up. It made me want to run my tongue on it, and maybe nibble on his skin, too.

"I'm serious, Tommo." he insisted. "It's my birthday, let me borrow your car for twenty minutes."

I had no idea how long it took for Louis to agree but when Niall turned back to me with a bigger smirk, it made my inner thighs start throbbing. He bent closer, his lips almost touching mine, and I held my breath.

"Join me in five minutes."

He got up quickly and as soon as he left, I felt Louis grab my arm gently. "Please, take care okay? I rented this car, I don't want any trouble."

"Are you spending some time here?" I just asked, raising my eyebrows.

"Yea, El is supposed to join me tomorrow."

I licked my lips and laughed a little. "And you say I'm obsessed with my boyfriend? Look at you!"

He chuckled too and shook his head. "Yea well, I won't deny it." he replied with a smile. "You should go, your boyfriend is waiting for you."

I smiled back and jumped on my feet, almost running to the front door. I was a bit tipsy and not very subtle but when I saw Niall leaning against a black car, I tilted my head and stopped a few feet away from him.

"Come on, petal." he said with a quick head movement. "That's what you get for not letting me get my dick wet earlier."

I laughed more and took a few steps his way, getting slowly closer to him. He moved slightly away from the car and looked down at me. We were very close to each other but we didn't touch and I licked my lips, tilting my chin up.

"It's your birthday. Tell me what you want."

It only took half a second for his lips to curl into a smirk and he raised his eyebrows at me, his gaze never leaving mine. I could feel my whole body throb in anticipation but all I really wanted was to please him.

"I want you to ride me. Just you, moving on top of me, your tits in my face, and my dick balls deep inside your cunt."

"That... can be arranged."

Quickly, he opened the door and sat behind the wheel and i rushed on the other side of the car to sit on the passengers seat. Niall started the car and it made me frown but I decided to focus on taking off my pants and panties, leaving them on the floor and finally smiled when I realized he went to park a little further.

"You're not supposed to drive." I pointed out, leaning near him to work on his pants. "Take the keys off and lean the seat a bit.”

He did as I asked and I tried to get on top of him to straddle him, hitting my head on the roof and making him laugh. It took me longer than I thought to actually sit on him and when I did, he was smiling at me, clearly amused. His hands reached for my thighs and I felt his thumbs brush gently on my skin.

"You're fucking adorable, you know that, right?"

I raised my nose up, slightly annoyed, and shrugged. "I don't want to be adorable right now, I want to make you hard."

"Come on, petal. Watching you do everything you can to make my birthday perfect is adorable. You being all clumsy is cute. And the fact that you're actually wetting my thighs right now is hot. They're not mutually exclusive." he explained, his palms running up my thighs. "You make me hard, petal. But I'm also drowning in all the love I have for you. Is that wrong?"

My traits softened and despite myself, I sighed and tilted my head, shaking it lightly. "No, of course not." I admitted in a whisper. "In fact, it's perfect."

"Mm, just like that little cunt of yours." he groaned, moving one of his hands between my legs and pressing his thumb on my clit. I stiffened and whimpered low, making him smile. "Come on, love. Take your shirt off."

I did as he asked and he brought his free hand on one of my breasts, kissing the parts he could see right up my bra as his thumb kept rubbing slowly and gently between my legs. I looked down, trying to see his lips brushing on me and sucking and biting on my skin, leaving tiny red marks. One of my hands moved to his head, my fingers slipping in his hair, and the other moved one of my bra straps down. He did the same with the other, exposing my breasts to him and his mouth found one of my nipples immediately. Instinctively, I ground down against him and my eyes fluttered close.

"Is that really what you want?" I asked in a breath. "A slow fuck outside in a car?"

"Mm no." he confessed, both his hands moving around me to unclasp my bra. "We have about 10 minutes."

I laughed a bit and moved on my knees, leaning slightly his way to make sure my head wouldn't hit the top of the car again, and finally sat on his cock. I didn't even have to hold it with my hand. For some reason, my body found his so easily and I couldn't help but think we were just part of a two-piece puzzle. I knew it was stupid, but the image seemed quite right.

"Fuck, I'll never get enough of your cock." I whispered, holding myself on his shoulders.

"I hope not!" he chuckled, his hands quickly reaching for my waist as I felt his fingers press on my skin.

I didn't wait for his instructions, I just started riding him, my hands in his hair, leaning against him, once again scared my head would hit the roof of the car. I heard him groan again as his hands slid to my ass and he gripped both cheeks hard, making me quiver slightly.

"That's exactly what I wanted, pet. You riding me and your tits in my face." he admitted, making me smile and bite my bottom lip. "Perfect birthday gift."

I felt his lips brush on my breasts and nipples, making them hard and making me whimper more. I started moving quicker over him, my clit rubbing harder on his lower stomach and my grip in his hair getting tighter. I was already so close and by the way he was holding my waist, I knew he was too.

"Fuck, I'm gonna cum."

I gripped his hair tighter at his words and moaned loud when I felt his teeth in one of my breasts. My body started shaking over him and he pushed me down hard on his dick, moving his hips up to feel himself as deep as he could. I felt an orgasm invade my whole body, from my head to my toes, and when I came down from my high, Niall wrapped his arms around me and held me against him.

"Mm, best birthday ever."

I laughed and moved slightly away to look at him but his eyes fell on my breasts immediately. "You only say that because you're in your post-orgasm state."

"I say that because it's my birthday and the girl I'm in love with just rode me until I came inside her." he explained, looking up at me as I felt his hands reach for my breasts. "Can't think of a better way to spend my birthday."

I smiled and bent down to kiss him again, enjoying the way his mouth tasted. "I'm in love with you too."

"I didn't hurt you, did I?" he asked, a bit worried, as his thumb brushed gently on the spot he bit on my breast.

"No, I loved it. It'll be sensitive for a few days, and every time I touch it, It'll remind me of right now."

He smiled against my lips and I did too. At this point, If someone had told me that my life would get even better than it was, I wouldn't have believed it. It was already perfect.

"Good, then how about we try the backseat, now?"

I laughed slightly. "Your friends are going to start wondering where you are."

"Let them."

---

We both had a headache when we woke up the next morning but Niall's was definitely worse than mine. He still managed to smile and hug me so I knew it could definitely be worse. We were leaving soon since he had a show in an other state on the same night but stopped in a cafe. Niall groaned a bit when he noticed how long the line was and brought his hand to his forehead, massaging gently his skin as if it would help take the pain away. I tilted my chin up and licked my lips, not really sure he was actually looking at me because of his sunglasses, but his hands reached my waist and I sent him a small smile.

"Would you rather wait outside?" I proposed. "Get some fresh air maybe? I can wait in line, I don't mind."

He shook his head and moved his face down, making my lips curl more. I always liked when he pecked my lips gently and It made me close my eyes.

"No it's okay, I'd rather stay." he whispered. "If only to show you how grateful I am for the birthday sex."

I laughed against his lips and we remained mostly silent until we ordered our coffee. He groaned as we were about to get out and finally sighed.

"I need to go to the bathroom okay? I'll join you outside."

I nodded and took his cup from his hands before to step foot outside. It was a warm day and I just closed my eyes, trying to feel the sun on my face until I heard a familiar sound that immediately made my heart skip a beat.

"Hey, Liv, are you with Niall?"

I felt myself cringe despite myself, knowing some pap had taken a picture of me while I was hungover. They knew I was with my boyfriend, and I was not sure why exactly they insisted on asking but I decided to ignore the question. I also hated how they always used a nickname for me, as if we were close friends. It was definitely uncalled for and made me uncomfortable. I turned around, feeling my heartbeats accelerate, and closed my eyes, hoping Niall was going to come back soon. They kept throwing a bunch of questions at me but the only one I actually clearly heard was:

"How do you feel about that sex tape of you two going around?"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. What was 'going around' online was anything but a sex tape. So yea, you could see us making out for a few seconds and talk... you could see us disappear behind a door and it didn't take much imagination to take a good guess at what we had done right after, but to qualify that as a 'sex tape' was totally eye rolling. I tried turning around again and walk a bit further but one of them moved very close to me and accidentally (i think?) hit my arm, making me almost drop my cup of coffee. I let out a curse word under my breath as some of the brown beverage fell on my shirt but also felt a hand on my waist, making me feel suddenly relaxed.

"Hey man, stay away from her okay?" I heard the guy start arguing but my boyfriend cut him off quickly. "No I'm serious. Give us space, we won't answer your question. Don't try me."

I raised my eyebrows, surprised by the threatening tone Niall had used, and he quickly walked back closer to me, taking his cup from my hand and replacing it with his own hand before squeezing my fingers in his. We walked away quickly and got in a cab in silence. I sighed and leaned my head on the seat after Niall told the driver about the hotel we stayed in and I closed my eyes.

"This is the part that I hate." I admitted after a few minutes.

"The attention?" he asked before I turned my head his way, noticing the small smile playing on his lips.

"Well, yea. I mean, I've never been the kind to enjoy attention... but that specific kind of attention? It's horrible." I admitted, raising my nose up. "Being asked about rumors and gossips while they try to snap the ugliest picture of you they can just so they can sell it for a few pounds. There's nothing good about that kind of attention."

"Can't disagree with you." my boyfriend let out after a sigh. "Don't let them get to you though, it's not worth it."

We quickly walked back to the hotel and started packing again. We moved easily around the hotel room, like a well-rehearsed choreography, and I loved that. I was clumsy, that was true, but with Niall, everything seemed to come so naturally. Even if the rooms we stayed in were different, we still managed to complete specific tasks easily and without stepping on each other's feet, and after only half an hour, our bags were waiting by the door, as usual.

I sat on the bed, knowing we had about 15 minutes free before we left, and after a while, Niall sat next to me. It took him a few seconds to reach for my hand and when I looked up in his eyes, my lips curled a bit. He wasn't wearing his sunglasses anymore. Instead, he had put his black baseball cap on and I could see his eyes. Blue with a tint of yellow...

"The tour is almost over." he whispered in a soft tone. "Then we can go back home... wherever 'home' is for you. If you want to go back to England, then I'm good with that, too. If you want to spend some time in Ireland it's cool too. Just tell me so I can book a hotel room. We're not staying at my mom's again."

I chuckled and shook my head, making him smile too.

"I'm sorry. I'm exhausted and I'm not even the one that spends hours on stage every other night. Can't imagine how you feel."

"I'm used to it." he just said with a shrug. "I mean, if you need to go back to LA for your tv show, I understand too."

"Mm, no. I need to write the next season anyway before we can film anything so there's no rush." I explained, looking down at his hand holding mine. "Besides, I think I'd like to try writing a book or something."

It was the very first time I admitted that out loud but I thought it was obvious. After all, that tv show started off with chapters of a story that I posted every week on my dad's web site. I was not sure how it had turned into a tv show but the first idea I had had was definitely a book.

"A book about what?"

I looked back up in his eyes and let out a laugh at his facial expression. I could understand why it was scaring him, but I had already written about our story, there was no reason for me to write some more in a book. Maybe he was just scared that people would think it's about us, no matter what it was really about, but I just shrugged. I didn't really care what anyone thought. Well, except Niall.

"Ghosts. Or, robots. Or vampires." I pointed out, making him chuckle. "Nothing that has to do with you and me."

"Or superheroes, perhaps?" he proposed with a smirk, his eyebrows raised.

"Maybe, who knows?"

We stared at each other for a few seconds and I saw him swallow hard. It made me frown slightly and I could swear he was about to tell me something serious, something really important... but he just smiled more and bent down to kiss me hard.

"Come on, we need to go or we'll be late."

#niall horan #niall horan smut #niall horan fluff #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan fan fiction #niall horan story #niall horan writing #1dff #my fanfics #yam

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shellyeah90 · 3 years

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I don't usually post personal or even opinionated things. I primarily use social media for the memes and my preferred form of communication while here is gifs. But, to put things simply (because there aren't words to fully express my feelings), I am pissed.

Our state is in crisis and instead of handling the situation, Texas citizens have been failed in so many ways. No one here was ready for this storm. Hurricanes, we can handle. They happen yearly. But a statewide winter storm? We've never had one here. The cold, the ice, the windy chill... we don't know how to function in it. Other areas who are used to this weather can poke fun, but maybe consider hunkering down in your home because there's too many people to evacuate the city, being stuck while your power goes out and there are 130mph winds outside, watching helplessly while water rises above your roofs and ruins everything you've worked so hard for all of your life, and wondering just how you're going to keep your family safe long enough to catch a boat out. Because we do that shit. And it gets worse every year, but we keep working together to keep each other safe and help each other out. We smile and are friendly with each other, but we don't make fun of people in helpless situations.

Texas citizens aren't equipped for winter storms. We don't have snow tires, snow plows, or salt trucks. Our clothes aren't very warm, they're not snow or wind resistant, we don't typically use gloves, scarves, or whatever other accessories are used in snow. And we wear the same shoes in winter that we wear for any other season. Our homes aren't insulated for cold. Our pipes aren't insulated for ice. Our winters don't generally fall below 60°F and we're not prepared for it to.

So, when climate change (yes, it's real) took it's toll and brought a real winter to our state, it became a crisis... a statewide disaster, even. And the leaders that we rely on, the ones that were voted into office and are paid for by our taxes, not only failed their state, but showed calloused disregard for their citizens.

On 8am Monday morning, my husband and I lost power. And, with our water being sourced from a well, we had no access to water, either. At the time, we still had cell service and were in contact with friends that had lost power at 2am. It was approximately 25°F outside. At the time, it was 68°F inside of our house.

Hearing that the Super Stop on the corner of North Main and Cedar Bayou Lynchburg was open, my husband and a neighbor walked down together. The roads were iced and it was too risky to drive. They arrived to find that the owner was charging cash only and not using his computer (no paper trail) so that he could charge double for everything. $7 for a 24 pack of bottled water. $14 for a 4lb bag of charcoal. It is baffling how someone can take advantage of a terrible situation. It sickens me. But we needed water. And our neighbor needed charcoal. So price gouging continues in a vicious cycle.

We don't have children, but we keep many different exotic animals that need certain climate conditions in order to survive. It took two hours for the inside of our house to drop 18 degrees, down to 50°F, reaching deadly levels for most of our pets.

Our bearded dragon (Merlin), no longer having his heat sources, slipped into brumation. He is 3 years old and has never had to brumate before. Our pixie frog (Prince Charming, also 3yrs), burrowed down and began to hibernate for the first time. It was too dark for us to check on the red-eyed crocodile skinks (Big and Red) or the Vietnamese centipede (Burton), but they had seemed to burrow, as well. We couldn't see the axlotls (Silly and Willy) but we believed they were okay. Our green bottle blue tarantula (Pennywise), curled up and died. We blocked the windows to try and keep the cold from coming in and covered up habitats to try and keep in warmth. The green cheek conure (Jigsaw) and parrotlet (Navi) seemed to be well, just stressed and confused. We gave them extra seeds to keep them warm. The rats (Hannibal, Dorian, and Bilbo) huddled to keep each other warm. We had already blocked off the outdoor aviary containing a pair of finches and a pair of parakeets for the colder weather and they were all nesting to keep warm. The day before, my husband had brought in a half-frozen, near-dead lizard (Draco) and he was alive but not well in his temporary rescue home. The dogs (Kuzco and Lulu) and I all bundled together as we waited (and prayed) for our power to come back on soon.

The power did not come back on. And the temperature continued to drop. Still cuddled together, we could only hope that the inside of our poorly insulated home would at least stay above freezing point. But it did not. After a horrible night of silent, shivering attempts to sleep, we found that our house was at 32°F exactly.

The birds are my husband's babies. They've bonded and he loves them dearly. And as I was tending to my dogs, I had to watch him come out of his office cradling Navi in his hands. He had tears in his eyes when he murmured "Navi didn't make it." And it took everything that I had to hold myself together for him.

I waited until he went back into his office, still holding Navi, to be with Jigsaw before I checked on Merlin. To my horror, my bearded dragon was no longer just brumating. He wasn't just limp and unresponsive. He was frozen stiff. He wasn't moving at all. He was gone.

In a desperate effort to save their lives I called for my husband to go to the car with me. We bundled them in blankets and rushed to the only place where we could find warmth. With the car's heater on full blast we both held our beloved pets and prayed for a miracle. In our rush of panic, we both made attempts at compressions. We petted our babies to get their blood flowing. We did everything that we could think of to save them.

I remember holding my breath when I thought I saw Merlin take his. I watched closely to make sure that I wasn't seeing things. And when I saw his spikes moving and his stomach shakily inhale and then slowly exhale, I shouted excitedly "he's breathing!" My husband, also excited, leaned over to see. And we smiled at each other when the breathing continued. I watched my dragon revive. And I will never be able to describe the extreme sense of relief that I felt when he finally opened his eyes and looked at me.

Our little Navi and my sweet husband were not as lucky. And my heart is still breaking for them.

With a new sense of fear and loss, we brought our creatures into our bedroom and shut all of the doors. We stuffed clothes under the gaps in the doors. We blocked the windows as best as we could. We cuddled and bundled and just hoped that we wouldn't lose anyone else. There in the dark, freezing silence, we also discovered that cell service was shoddy, at best. We had no communication and no connection with the outside world, which seemed to have frozen over in an apocalyptic nightmare, we waited and hoped that power would come back soon. It had been more that 24hours, after all. Surely the electric companies would have figured out how to actually roll the blackouts by then, right? They had promised rolling blackouts. They had said it would be 30-45 minutes. That would have been well enough for everyone. We could have survived that. My babies could have survived that. My home wouldn't have become a freezing death trap if the blackouts were rolling. But they didn't roll. I had friends that never lost power. I had friends that went without it longer than we did. And all we could do was hold our beloved pets and wait.

By some luck, my husband and his brother were able to text each other, even though our cell phones were basically useless, and he invited us to his home. They had a generator. They had running water. They had warmth. Hope was on the horizon. But roads were still icy and chances of making it safely were slim. With our pets so at risk, and some barely alive, we felt we had no other choice. We loaded up the car with Merlin, Prince Charming, Jigsaw, the dogs, and whatever food we could fit. We didn't even pack clothes for ourselves. We just wanted to fit as many of our animals as we could and some food since they said they were low.

My husband fed Silly and Willy, making sure they ate. We read they could survive freezing temperatures and hoped they would be okay until we returned, whenever that would be. I filled up every bowl of food in my rats' cage and every water bottle, guessing it would last 2-3 days and hoping they could keep each other warm. It was still too dark to see my burrowed skinks and centipede. We tried to place everyone, including Draco, in the warmest areas (although with the house below freezing, there was no place that could be considered warm). We gave the outdoor birds as much food and water as we could. Every window was covered and every door was shut. We did everything that we could think of to protect our pets.

Stressed, weary, and down-trodden, we began the drive across Houston. Many roads were closed. GPS was down. Texts and calls weren't guaranteed to make it through. And there were so many people that still sped along the roads as if there weren't ice caked over it. We watched vehicles slide. We watched people, not knowing how to react, slam on their brakes when they lost traction. We kept our distance from other drivers and drove slowly, carefully, to our destination. We just wanted to keep our family safe and alive. And, fortunately, we only hit ice twice and both times we made it safely back to traction. A trip that usually takes about an hour with traffic took us over two with no traffic. But we made it.

Our sister-in-law was waiting for us in their standalone office where she had prepared a heater and space for our creatures. They set it up because it was warmer than anywhere in the house. And they diverted energy from their generator just for our pets. Uncomfortable and in tiny, traveling enclosures, our babies were lined up on their desk. They were far from home and didn't have their UV lights, basking lights, giant habitats, or familiar surroundings. But they were alive. And they were warm.

Relieved that at least some of our babies were well, we focused on getting the dogs settled and unpacking the food. We had brought nearly everything from our fridge and freezer, which we had saved by simply opening the doors and letting the chill of our house keep it cool when the power went out. Now we were packing it in snow to keep it cold. I went inside to comfort my dogs. Kuzco, my 10mo shepsky, is very skittish and I was worried about how he was doing. He and Lulu, my 8wk aussierottie (whom I had only gotten a few days before), had been quarantined in the dining room with the table being used as a wall. Kuzco couldn't see anything but the occasional child coming up to say hello. He was happy for the company but scared of the dark. As I was trying to comfort him, my husband came inside and said "you need to come and hold your dragon again." And the sound of his voice and the look on his face had me nearly breaking my leg to get out of that barricade and to my Merlin.

Between the rush of packing in the dark and the stress of everything we'd been through, I'd forgotten a few important things: Kuzco's calming treats, thermometers, hygrometers, and my contacts (my glasses are several years old and I can't really see well with them). We had been so relieved at having a warm space for our babies and having finally arrived there safely, that we hadn't realized the office was not yet warm enough for them. At least, it wasn't warm enough for Merlin.

He had been licking at the air, so I knew that he was dry. In my concern, I mixed water in with his fresh soil so that he could have some humidity. Again, I had forgotten the necessary tools to measure his heat and humidity, so I was just guessing. And in these mistakes, the damp soil got cold faster than the office could get warm and he began to freeze again.

I found my dragon brumating once again. This time, he was only partially stiff, so I knew that he hadn't left me yet. I held him close to my chest and sat in front of the heater, once again trying to revive him. We also placed the soil in front of the heater to warm it up and dry it out a bit. Eventually, Merlin became alert again. But I was sick at having gone through so much, come so far, reaching what I thought was safety, and almost losing him again.

After making sure that he and his soil were okay, I again had to leave him to tend to my dogs. My husband was busy with Jigsaw and the unpacking. Prince Charming, fortunately, was doing just fine. I made sure both puppies ate, drank, and pottied outside. And, after a long, damn near impossible day, my husband and I were able to sleep. Or rather, we were able to attempt to sleep.

I will never be able to thank my in-laws enough for everything that they did for us. They have 4 children and 2 dogs of their own. And they had their mom and her cat staying in their living room. It was already stressful for them to not have power when they had their own family to care for. But they took ours in, as well. And I will always be beyond grateful for that.

That night, in my nieces' bedroom, I held my dogs and wondered if I would have to endure the loss of anymore of my babies. And as I tried to find sleep, my Kuzco began to hyperventilate. He had just lost his brother, my Xander, a week before. And now he was in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people where he had to be isolated because the cat was not a fan of strange dogs (she literally went out of her way to attack him, even when he was barricaded). And my dumbass had forgotten his calming treats. All I could do was hold him tight and tell him it was okay. It took a while, but I finally got him to sleep. My husband set alarms and got up every two hours to check our other babies in the office and make sure that the generator was full and running properly. I don't think either of us really slept that night.

The next day, we checked with our neighbor and landlord to find that we still did not have power at our house. And my in-laws' house had lost water pressure the night before. Everyone in Houston had. So now, there were masses without power, without water, without cell service, and without the necessary means to survive the freezing temperatures that were now not only outside, but inside most homes.

On top of the obvious stress, my typical anxiety was kicking in. On a good day, I struggle to be social. And these were not good days. I was a guest in someone's home and I couldn't express how thankful I was because I felt so exhausted from all of the stress, grief, and constant fear. I felt terrible for feeling terrible. But I couldn't force myself to smile or be happy when I wasn't even sure who would survive or for how long. With the roads constantly melting and refreezing and more sleet/rain on the way, I wasn't even sure when we could get home or if we would have power when we needed to go home. I had left pets that I loved and the ones that I had brought with me were still not guaranteed to make it.

My in-laws were still so accommodating. But they wouldn't really let us help to clean or cook and that made us feel worse. In my anxiety, I kept thinking that I was in the way or that I was upsetting everyone. I still do. I don't like depending on anyone. It's an awful feeling. But in this case, it was necessary. I had no other choice, because I couldn't bear to lose another of my precious babies. I couldn't bear to see my husband's face or hear his voice crack as he told me we lost another one. Not if I could help it. I would do whatever I could to take care of them.

I took a moment of reprieve to watch Kuzco play in the snow. I hate the cold. But shivering out there, the feeling of needles pricking over my body and the cold burn of the wind as it cut through my 4 layers of pajamas and sweats, was worth it to watch my shepsky in his own winter wonderland. He ran around in their ice and snow covered backyard as if it were a mystical land and every icy slide and snowy mound were a magical discovery. And when he saw the snow flurries began to fall from the sky his furry face lit up with pure joy. I watched my happy not-so-little puppy excitedly jump up and try to catch the snowflakes in his mouth. His blue eyes were so bright and brilliant. And we both came alive in that moment. I wish we could have stayed there. But the snow turned to downpours of sleet and, unfortunately, we had to go back inside.

I had planned to keep my dogs in the office with me that day, but they were kind enough to put the pets on rotation, so my dogs were no longer confined. They were able to stretch their legs in the house and play with my nieces and nephews. They played fetch and they wrestled and they even played with balloons. The girls taught Kuzco how to keep the balloons from hitting the ground. It was fun to watch him jump up and boop the balloons with his nose whenever they called his name. Meanwhile, my pets in the office all seemed to be well. They were alert and lively. I still had no way of knowing their temperature or humidity level. But it looked like they would all pull through. Kuzco still had his moments where he would panic. It was a busy house with lots of people coming in and out (and even the generator scared him), but we gave him some extra love and calmed him down each time.

That night, the power flickered on for about an hour before going out again. Our landlord said that ours, too, had been on for a bit before going right back out. The rest of the week was still showing freezing temps, but maybe the powers that be were finally starting to figure out how to actually handle this crisis. Later, the water pressure increased. And, late that night, as we lied in bed and tried to sleep, the power came on. And it stayed on.

I didn't sleep. With wifi, I was able to pull up the security system to our house and see that we, too, had power. And I watched it through the night. There was movement in my rats' cage. I couldn't see how much food or water they had left, but they were still alive. I checked the temperature and watched it rise as the heater stayed on. Excited, I waited for my husband to wake up so I could tell him. I wanted to go home. I wanted all of us to go home. I had babies to check on and they all needed to get back into their controlled climates with a healthy supply of food and water. We all craved a feeling of normalcy.

My phone began to show notifications again... all of these emails and gaming things that reminded me the world was still out there, spinning like it should be, while my world had stopped and frozen still. For a while I was angry. How could things outside of my winter apocalypse still be happening normally? How could the rest of the world just keep on moving while I had just been struggling to keep my family alive? And then I saw memes and jokes on social media. And I got angrier. My family had been devastated. And I know I'm not the only one. I can't be the only one to have lost loved ones. I can't be the only one to have watched loved ones suffer. I can't be the only one to have stressed and worried about what's going to happen and what I'm going to do if/when it does. And yet there are people out there laughing at our situation. While families struggle to stay warm, to find food and water, to make it without the GPS, data, and communication that we're all accustomed to, to care for their elderly and disabled, to keep their children from crying and their pets from dying... there are actually people making jokes about it. Yet when our corner of the world gets record breaking winds and floods we step up and help each other. Companies do what they can to help the people. Employers cut their employees slack. And the rest of the world watches in awe. This is a record breaking storm for us, one that we were in no way equipped to deal with. And instead of empathy and aid, we're getting ridiculed? The only ones I see giving a shit are the people. The citizens that have been affected by this unprecedented crisis are all offering to do what they can while the government, power companies, and water companies make excuses. It's bullshit.

Our power was out from 8am on Monday morning to 10p on Wednesday night. For approximately 62 hours my home had no climate control. I have no way of knowing how cold it actually got inside. But below freezing is unacceptable. And to find out that there were some who went without even longer while some never lost it at all... who fucked up? Because someone surely did. And don't let them blame their failure to roll a blackout on a bad grid. They were just too lazy to figure out another solution.

We arrived home to piece back together what we could and try to reestablish our sense of selves. What had only been a few days felt like weeks of walking around in a living nightmare. The outside birds were still chirping. Draco actually survived and, due to our TLC, is better now than when we found him. Burton is hibernating (there's some sluggish movement, so I know he's alive) and I hope he wakes up soon. Silly and Willy are just fine. Hannibal, Dorian, and Bilbo are all okay, they just need some cuddles and de-stressing time. Big and Red froze to death. I found their stiff bodies near each other and in their ivy plant.

Due to fluctuating temperatures, we lost all of the food that we did not eat at our in-laws'. And most of the roach and cricket colonies that we use as feeders for our pets have been wiped out.

We have Merlin, Jigsaw, and Prince Charming back in their habitats. Charming and Merlin are grumpy, but they've eaten and they're well. Jigsaw is back to normal. Kuzco has finally calmed down and is happy to be home. And Lulu is completely clueless about the entire situation.

But this situation cannot die. It cannot go without resolution. Something needs to be done. For years, Texas has been told to fix the power grid. Texas insists on having its own so that they can avoid federal regulation. This is at the cost of being able to rely on the rest of the country and use its energy when we need it. All because Texas wants to be like the middle-aged husband holding out hope that he'll one day divorce his wife. Here's the thing Texas: your ugly ass wife is the only one who will tolerate you and you're too fucking helpless to take care of yourself. So stop buying those pretty, young things in the bar those drinks and then crying because they won't go home with you. Stop wasting your money on those hot rods. And own up to the fact that you need to work on yourself to be happy. Fix your fucking power grid and stop playing the blame game! Also, do something about the water situation. Take care of your damn kids. They shouldn't be struggling to survive, dammit.

Gas stations and grocery stores are empty wastelands of ruined food where people scour to find whatever they can to make due. Everyone's resources were destroyed from loss of power. And trucks haven't been able to get through the icy roads to resupply.

One winter storm should not send a civilized society into the stone age. It doesn't matter where you're at, your government should be prepared. Your elected officials are supposed to be taking care of this shit, not running their mouths. Meanwhile, there's an audacious mayor who grew such a big mouth he was forced to resign. The vote got Tim Boyd into office, folks. And here's what he has to say:

"The City and County, along with power providers or any other service owes you NOTHING! I’m sick and tired of people looking for a damn hand out! If you don’t have electricity you step up and come up with a game plan to keep your family warm and safe. If you have no water you deal with out and think outside of the box to survive and supply water to your family. If you were sitting at home in the cold because you have no power and are sitting there waiting for someone to come rescue you because your lazy is direct result of your raising! Only the strong will survive and the week will perish."

Yeah, he must have forgotten that those people he's bitching about are the ones that elected him into office and that they pay the taxes for his salary. And, in case anyone was doubting it, it is, IN FACT, the city and county's job to take care of its citizens. A government's basic functions are providing leadership, maintaining order, providing public services, providing national security, providing economic security, and providing economic assistance. And, as far as power providers and other services, I have contracts and I make payments. So YES, they owe me exactly what I pay for: the electricity, water, and cell service that they agreed to give me in the contracts that we both signed. So, Tim Boyd, as much as you try to backtrack and say you didn't mean it and you wish you could rephrase everything, we all know the truth is that you're just an idiot who doesn't give a fuck. I wonder how long you went without electricity. I wonder if you worried how long your family would survive. I wonder if you cried and had to bury any loved ones. This "week" will surely perish. It will be behind us, along with all of the other bad weeks that we've seen come and go. And so will you. Good riddance. You can spend your free time working on your grammar and spelling.

As far as Ted "Fled" Cruz goes, I hope he gets impeached. He sat by and watched while his state fell to shit, while his citizens suffered, and then he flew to fucking Cancun. Sure, he can say he was just dropping off his family, but we all know he only came back because he was getting flak for it. Do you know how many parents had to comfort their children in the freezing cold darkness of their quiet homes? Do you know how many scared families had no way out and no where to go? These are your citizens! And this is all after he actually made fun of California for their grid, knowing that ours needed to be fixed, knowing that we would suffer when disaster hit. He was elected to be our leader and he failed us so spectacularly. Where was the guidance for the power companies? Where was the communication? Where is the aid? People were unable to work and unable to provide for their families. And no one is offering to help them. Our resources have been diminished. What is the game plan?

And not only were there people taking advantage and price gouging during this dreadful time, but it continues to go blatantly unchecked. Plumbers are charging $800+ just to look at a problem with no guarantee of solving it. Gas station owners are marking everything up when they know people can't afford to not buy. And even the power companies are talking about charging more for the electricity that was used this past week, because it was in "high demand."

I will say that Xfinity gave us a credit on the days that our power was out, knowing that we were unable to use it. And my brother-in-law, who owns his own renovation company, is giving free consultations. He doesn't even give estimates until he's sure about the issue. And my aunts, who have always been such a blessing to us, were sweet enough to send us a door dash gift card so that we wouldn't have to worry about shopping right away.

And I cannot say enough how thankful I am to my brother and sister-in-law for providing us with a sanctuary for our babies. They were going through enough on their own and still, they invited us over and gave us warmth and safety. It was nice seeing them, my nieces, nephews, and near-mom-in-law, even under the circumstances. I'm sorry I couldn't be better company.

In the meantime, to all of you who went through it during this awful crisis, my heart is with you. What happened to the people of Texas during this weather is beyond unfair. It is intolerably savage. We deserve better. We deserve elected officials who care about us enough to step up and take care of us during a disaster, and not just when the media is on them. We deserve to get what we pay for and have our contracts honored. We deserve to have a power grid that can sustain us when we need it most. We deserve to have blackouts rolled instead of just having half the grid shutdown to fend for itself. We deserve to have a water supply that we can rely on. We deserve to have the cell service that we pay for. We should never be kept in the dark and in the cold.

This should have been a fun time for us. We see snow once every few years, if we're lucky. We should have been out there with our sweatshirts and sweatpants, sledding down the streets on whatever we could find, from trash can lids to screen doors. We should have been building icy snowmen and making snow angels. But instead, most of us were just trying to survive. We were running out of laundry and using every blanket that we had to keep our families warm. We were wondering if the food would make it and rigging ways to prepare it. We were scrambling to find water. We were worrying and trying to get in touch with friends and family with phones that were, at best, battery-draining flashlights. If we had generators, we were still struggling and conserving gas because there was none left at any of the stations. And if there was, the stations didn't have power to access it. And there are many more experiences that I'm sure I'm not covering because I was fortunate enough not to have to live through it all. But my heart aches. It aches for everyone that had to endure this tragedy that none of us should have had to endure.

My husband and I are still recovering. And this is far from over. But if anyone needs it, we'll help if we can. Just reach out. If anything, we can all be here for one another. Fuck Texas. It's not the state or the city that takes care of us, obviously. It's each other. We have always been able to awe and inspire with how we step up and take care of our fellow citizens. And that's just what we'll do.

For anyone interested in my sources or further reading, here you go:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electric_Reliability_Council_of_Texas

https://www.texastribune.org/2021/02/18/texas-power-outages-ercot/

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2021/02/17/texas-power-grid-why-state-has-its-own-operated-ercot/6782380002/

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2021/02/18/state-energy-winter-protections-lacking-reports-have-suggested/4490501001/

https://ktxs.com/news/local/colorado-city-mayor-resigns-after-controversial-facebook-post

https://www.cnn.com/2021/02/18/politics/ted-cruz-cancun-texas-disaster-electricity-power-water/index.html

https://www.cnn.com/2021/02/19/politics/ted-cruz-cancun-texas/index.html

https://www.chron.com/news/houston-texas/article/Ted-Cruz-Twitter-California-blackouts-energy-power-15953893.php

https://www.cnbc.com/2021/02/17/how-the-texas-power-grid-failed-and-what-could-stop-it-from-happening-again.html

https://www.kvue.com/article/news/local/texas-ercot-power-outage-energy-demand-price-change/269-53ab63e2-8dcf-4485-8b9b-be6ad75316b4

https://www.curbed.com/2021/02/texas-blackouts-energy-grid-failure.html

https://www.texastribune.org/2021/02/17/texas-power-grid-failures/

https://www.chron.com/news/houston-texas/article/Ted-Cruz-Twitter-California-blackouts-energy-power-15953893.php

#texas #winter #winterstorm #statewidedisaster #statewidecrisis #tedcruz #fledcruz #timboyd #poweroutage #blackout #epicfail

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lockdownuk · 4 years

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Lockdown Diary Part 2

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day 31: I went to Tesco’s at Hampton at @8pm. It was weird. But I made it less weird by buying (amongst all the legit stuff I needed and some stuff for Karen’s mum) more booze. I have, atm about 30 assorted cans and 60 assorted bottles. I’m gonna stop buying booze now until I’m down to the last dozen. I don’t want owt to happen and I leave many behind!

Day 32: More than a calender month! I was rung up by a recruitment agent today about a contract with DHL as a remote support engineer to their aviation section. €400 a day! I’ve applied. Few beers tonight, watching a new Netflix release (Extraction) and catching up with Fog, Ham, Andy and Rog later at 10:30pm - yikes, might be pissed.

Day 33: Typing this on day 34. Dossed around during the day, few beers and another video call with fog, Ham and Rig plus I invited John Monk along. He was his usual self and signed off from the call with a moonie! Later on I had the pleasure of Scottish Louise video calling me! She was pissed, in her shed drinking den at her home with some neighbour called Ronnie and her daughter Ellie. She was her usual outrageous self who imaprted such gems as “Tim, you look old” and “Roger on coke is the only time I’ve taken it up the arse”. Nice.

Day 34: Today I skyped Laurie and ‘met’ Matthew and Nicholas for the first time. It was bloody fantatsic. Janine was there as well.I cannot believe it takes lockdown (plus an idea to get Laurie to add me to his regular Monday skype chat with Dad) that managed to get us doing something that should have happened years ago! It was so great to talk to them all face-to-face. Janine hasn’t changed a bit, Matthew is very quiet with Nicholas being the more gregorious twin. And Laurie is still Laurie. I’m reminded of how much I sort of miss him! It was all so comfortable. I loved it! Tomorrow is Dad’s 85th hence the 3-way chat idea. I hope it comes off!

Day 35: So dad and Laurie and I skyped. It was OK but my video feed was very dark, (still dunno why) and Lauire’s kept freezing. I dropped out so as to leave them to it, my thinking being the extra person takes up bandwidth, with the promise I’d call dad later. Before I could, Rita called me and suggested Dad and I skype, which we did. So, all in all, a good day of comms! And Dad seems his happy usual self - 85 years old! Amazing.

Day 36: I am really struggling to motivate myself this week. Today, I’ve done fuck all of note. That is all.

Day 37: A similar day to yesterday. All I have really managed to do is lay down audio from Pink Floyd (Absolutely Curtains) to a video I shot of a cow on yesterday’s walk. I am having a downer of a week without any good reason why, ld aside. I have worn my new walking boots today (’cos my old ones are leaking, I found out yesterday) and they fucking hurt, despite having tried to wear them in for months, albeit pathetically. Also, a few days ago (Friday 24th April), I got notification from HM Revenue & Customs that I’m getting tax rebate (from 2018-19) of £392. Yay!

Day 38: I received notification today that I’ve got a speeding ticket…last Thursday back from Tesco’s - 87mph somewhere between the A1 and Elton. I am hoping it’s a fixed penalty. I dunno whether it is yet, I just have to send the form off confirming it’s my car and I was driving. I spoke with Lynda from Woodfords asking her to ask for a rent reduction before I sign for another year. Plus, I let her know that I will be Howard and Sue’s eyes as the look at rental properties in Oundle - I do hope they return although it would be a shame for them that their plans have been scuppered (she’s lost her job in Oz due to Covid-19)

Day 39: Today I started another piece of exercise - up and down the stairs 26 times. Not sure why 26 - it was some thing online to do with the London Marathon, I think. It fucking killed. I used 13 clothes pegs for a counting system. I asked Karen to pick up some stuff when she was shopping (burgers, radishes) - Dan dropped them off, He was with Shaggy (driving his van) and going to see Jonah. That pisses me off - they should be social distancing, ffs.

Discoevered, today, that Cornershop, post-Brinful are fucking excellent. listening to the album ‘England is a Garden’ as I type.

Day 40: That 26 times up and down the stairs is fucking hard. I did videos about it today. My legs are aching like fuck right now.

Day 41: Just done Young Sam’s (Sam Clews) quiz. 3rd week running and it’s now become a habit and something I look forward to. Out of all the internet driven socialising I’m undertaking in ld, this is the weirdest - I feel totally detatched from all others taking part but, now, would feel pissed off if I didn’t or couldn’t join in. I got 47/70 this week. My best score and only about 8 off the winning score - most others aren’t doing it on their own!

Today’s walk was a cloudy one - I captured some fine, dramatic pics of the clouds. I am getting into this photography lark, albeit very amateurish. But, when I post any pics online (mostly FB), they seem to be widely appreciated, which is nice.

Day 42: Applied for a remote service delivery job with a firm called TTEC. £60k. Finished watching The Outsider. The creepiest TV show I have seen in years. Really great use of background music.

Day 43: Finished Mindhunter S2 last night. It’s so good but I cannot quite put my finger on why. Today has been a nothing day apart from day 2 of me not typing the letter ‘e’ in any post or comments on FB for a week. It’s hard.

Day 44: Watch Anna last night. A Luc Besson film that starts a kick-ass suprermodel. It’s right down my street. Today I have been lazy af. I need to pick up my online learning again…tomorrow, maybe! I watched Andy Murray Resurfacing. A documentary on Amazon. Fantastic. What a top man he is. Completely human and completely inhuman!

Day 45: Much talk in the news of possible lockdown relaxation. I am off the opinion we should stay the course until we are completely assured of beathing this thing i.e. a working, widely available vaccine. Dad and I Skyped - he is doing well, as usual. So is Rita. They both seem very happy in lockdown! Today has been a glorious day, weather wise. I had my walkk at 10ish this morming and it was very warm. Hottest day of the year so far I reckon.

Day 46: Bank holiday Friday (75th anniversary of VE day). Nice walk. Chat with Karen letting her know about being caught speeding just in case I am banned and need some out of town shopping. Watched second episode of DEVS by Alex Garland. It’s good and intriguing. Now, @7pm, gonna eat and hit the beers and smokes.

Day 47: Typing this at 15:45 on day 48. I had lots of beers and a good old chat with Rog…

Day 48: Today’s daily press conference was eagerly anticipated today with rumours of a relaxation in lockdown. It seems it was a fuss about nothing with no clear instructions - I didn’t watch it but, skimming the BBC news site, I shan’t be doing anything different over the next few weeks, not that I would anyway - furlough and self isolation are the order of the day and I won’t change that until I am sure it’s safe. Meanwhile people, including Danny flaunt the rules, it’s been pointed out to me plus I know he spends time with Jonah and Marc. It really fucks me off. So, the actions of the few mean I will lock myself down for as long, if not longer, as it takes. Attended Sam Clews quiz again. It passes the time. Also, I had half a scotch bonnet chilli with tea tonight (roasted veg, cous cous and sausages). Ridiculously hot!

Day 49: Received the speaker I ordered a few days ago (from eBay). It’s an AudioPro Addon T10. I got it for a very reasonable price from a German shop. As a result, the power lead isn;t three pin and that has seriously fucked me right off!

Meanwhile, I did my 26 stair climb before my daily walk today. It was easier than usual (surprise surprise) and I did 7km - but that was tough! ‘Cos I am on (yet another) free trial of Amazon Prime, I am ramping up watching stuff available. Last night I watched Booksmart - really nice little film with a great soundtrack. I am listening to Dan the Automater as I type. Today I watched half (3 eps) of The Night Manager and the film ‘The Founder’. The former is a superb series, the latter an OK film about Ray Kroc - the supposed founder of McDonald’s. Except he wasn’t; he was the wrong side of ambitious and a cunt.

Day 50: Stripped the 2 pin cable from the speaker I received yesterday and wired up a 3 pin plug and it worked. Win. And it sounds great. Win-win. Went to go shopping in Hampton but the car wouldn’t start. Loss. But it was the battery so I managed to borrow Karen’s jump starter which worked. Win.

Spent £107. Loss. But just under £40 was booze plus £10 for two big pizzas, two sides (dirty fries) and some dips. Win. Didn’t do any online learning - seriously fucking letting myself down. Loss.

Did my usual walking and 26 stair climb. The latter is hard but defo getting easier. Win. Day 51: Sam’s 51st birthday on day 51 - coincidence! Today I received my face mask from Lou - House of Stewart tartan. I’m pleased with it and that I have got a mask now. I managed to get up at a reasonable hour, just left 09:00, and revisit my web design course. Module 1, lesson 5 and I am fucking stuck. Trying to code an online CV with a side nav bar and I cannot get it to fucking work. Grrrrrr. Later, i got into a FB dispute (easily distracted due to the above) with someone over his statement of fact (Tim Martin’s treatment of Whetherspoons’ employees) when he doesn’t know it’s fact. It probably is, but that is not the fucking point. I wish I could leave these sort of spats alone. I am drinking, at 20:45, peppermint tea as I type. Jeez, what’s happened to me?

Day 52: Well, last night took a swift chnage. Rog message me and, to cut a long story short, I hit the beers, also called Foggy later, got trashed. I got up today at gone 1pm. Sam posted on fb that Paul had forgort her birthday yesterday. Oh dear! The 26 stair climb and walking each day is noticeable for how knackered my legs feel all the time, I noticed today!

Day 53: My birthday! Nice comments and banter of FB. Rachael brought round a bottle of whisky; gobsmacked. Karen popped round some beers and sausage rolls. Sam sent a card, as did dad with a £50 cheque. Dan’s ordering me a pizza later.

Chuffed! Day 54: I went to bed late after a lot of beers, huge pizza and chips, a few smokes and a long call with WWJ and video chats with Fog then Rog. Got up around 1pm and dossed with my usual exercises and I made fish pie with a scotch bonnet. Day 55: Late one last night but up early today (11ish). Really fretting about hospital tomorrow. Nervous anyway but the safety aspect, in terms of Covid-19, isn’t helping.

Day 56: Hospital appointment was just for an eye scan so the consultant can review it. I was very surprised to see how few people were wearing face masks! I did two lots of washing today. (After the hospital) I went to Morrsions, Asda (queue too long though), B&M (queue too long though) then Tesco’s. All to buy a baseball cap ‘cos I’m fucked if I’m going to wet my hair each time I go out and want it to look presentable! In Morrsions (no mens’ clothing apart from underwear!) I stocked up of 10 cans of sugarfree apple Caraboa….I was only thinking of this drink just the other day. Yesterday I finished The Night Manager on Amazon. I liked it a lot but, also, expected much, much more from it consdiering the hype. Hugh Laurie has come a long way from comedy sketches with Stephen Fry!

Day 57:Received an email from Sueanne yesterday asking ( as designated spokesperson for everyone) how I am. The most interestring piece of news in a rather uninformative email was that the US has started to open resorts!

Day 58: I am writing this on Day 59. I started a two walk a day regime. The first walk I do is shorter, around 4km. my aim is to be ready for 1,000,000 steps Diabetic UK challenge (throughout July, August and September). I need to do just under 11,000 steps a day. The relaxation in ld rules makes this achievable. On that score, I am allowed to visit a friend’s house, as long as it’s just the two of us, outside, 2m apart. I went round Karen’s last night. I was desperate to have a Happy Hour (I allow myself a midweek beer - today (well, yesterday) is/was Wednesday!) of sorts with another human (rather than a video chat). I was there for about 2 hours, very enjoyable, and then came home. Then I had usual roasted veg with rice and sausages but I couldn’t eat it. I used half a scotch bonnet rather than the usual birdeye chillis. It was too hot, had to sling it! Had a few more beers and, hence, neglected my diary duties!

Day 59: It’s 01:20am. I don’t know why I am still awake and up, but I am. But, also, I am now going to bed. Nothing else to report, really.

Day 60: Half way through 12 weeks furlough. I was discussing this with Dad and Rita earlier - I am expecting that, at the end of 12 weeks, I’ll be laid off. I hope I’m wrong but I reckon it’s well on the cards. Off to have a beer round Karen’s in a sec which will be pleasant. Just a hour or so. It’s fucking windy today so I shall wrap up!

#diary #Tumblr diary #lockdown #COVID19 #lockdownuk

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basketofverbiage · 5 years

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Hold On

This is my first writing post I’ve made. I had this in my head for a while and finally got it out. I have a part two, but it’s still being edited. I am so open to feedback!

Warnings: suicide attempt; hospitals; panic attacks

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

For the past few weeks, Seokjin has known that something is wrong, but has no idea what it is. And without knowing what it is, how the hell is he supposed to fix it? His entire life seems to revolve around the need to take care of the people he loves most, and he can see that Y/n is devastatingly hurt but has no clue how to heal it. It’s like a surgeon trying to operate on a patient in a dark back alley somewhere; he can’t see what’s ruptured, can’t stop the bleeding, and he has this sneaking suspicion that he might lose his patient.

It’s been three solid weeks since he first noticed that something seems to be affecting the woman he loves. She put on a brave face and a faux smile when she knew he was paying attention. But in quiet moments when she thought he was distracted, he could see the darkness wash over her features. He’s tried everything he could think of to draw out what is wrong, comfort her, cheer her up, but nothing has worked and he’s starting to get scared.

It all began on a normal Tuesday afternoon. He was finished with his schedule fairly early in the day and came home to find her sitting in the kitchen floor with her back pressed against the cabinet below the sink, her legs drawn up into her arms and her face hidden in her kneecaps, with dark swirly curls hiding the rest of her features.

“Baby, are you okay?” he called quietly, rushing over to kneel in front of her. Her head snapped up and she smiled the fakest smile he’d ever seen from her.

“Yes, Jinnie. I’m fine. I just haven’t slept well, and just sat down after washing dishes.”

He knew she was lying to him by the darkness swirling in her eyes and the way that the smile didn’t soften the pain in her features, but he decided not to push it. She really hadn’t been sleeping well. More than one night this week he’d woken up in the twilight morning hours to her thrashing about a bit in fitful nightmares, but she’d settle down a bit when he’d pull her in and hum softly into her ear. So, he reiterated to himself that it’s okay not to push it, and that she’d open up once she was ready. He’d scooped her up off the kitchen floor into a tight hug then they’d spent the afternoon curled up in bed with mindless tv shows and drifting in and out of dreams until he started to believe she was okay. She’d laughed at his silly jokes, so Y/n is fine, right?

After that, he noticed that she began sleeping so much more. Sure, she’d had a stressful few months at work with a major project she had been assigned for a high-profile client, but she’d completed that project well and the client had been singing her praises to the heavens. In doing so, she had spent as many sleepless nights slaving away as he had spent missing her beside him in their king-sized bed. It made him wonder how she survived the long months of him being away on tour, lying so tiny in the vast wasteland of a cold, empty bed. Seokjin is not tiny by any means, and without her, he felt so small and vaguely empty in satin sheets, surrounded by so many pillows. And no matter how many extra blankets he added, the bed was so cold without her. So once the project was completed, it made perfect sense that she’d catch up on sleep, right? There is nothing to worry about, right?

Y/n had also pretty obviously stopped eating and cooking. This was driving him insane. The love of cooking and feeding other people is one of the many things that brought them together, and they took turns showing their love to each other with food. She hadn’t baked a single item in three straight weeks. While Seokjin could not bake to save his own life, Y/n baked the most amazing creations and her favorite thing to make was bread. All different varieties of breads from simple, rustic loaves to delicate fruit-filled sweetbreads, she once told him that baking bread made her feel alive. Something about the way the dough responded and how much encouragement it needed to become something from nearly nothing. In fact, in the two full years they had been together, Seokjin had not one time bought a loaf of bread from the store. He forgot that store-bought loaves were even a thing. She kept her own sourdough starter and had to bake at least one loaf a week to keep it growing healthily without it taking over, so he would come home at least one day a week to the slightly sour, yeasty twang of sourdough bread wafting about as two beautiful loaves cooled on a cooling rack. One loaf was always for them at home, and the other for his brothers. Before they shared a home, she would regularly bring her bread experiments over to the dorm and the boys would all ooh and ahh over her creations; Seokjin and Namjoon had had to nearly break up physical fights between the maknaes over who got to eat the last of the loaves on more than one occasion. But it had been two solid weeks since a loaf had been baked in their apartment and he was desperately trying to squelch the worry that was building.

Seokjin realized that he might be out of his element with this. He’d tried everything he knew to do. They’d been on three fancy dates, and he’d sent her a gorgeous bouquet to work. Seokjin bought her the earrings she’d been eyeing subtly when they were shopping for his mom’s birthday present and left them on her pillow one morning when he had to be at an interview at 4 am. He had made love to her slow and sweet on a rainy Sunday afternoon like she loved; it had always been enough to bring her back to him before as he’d remind her of why he loved her both with words and with his body. But not this time. He had told her every joke he could think of, even the worst ones that sounded like they had come off the stick of a melted popsicle. He made her coffee like she liked in the morning, tea in the afternoon, and heady glasses of red wine in the evening. He’d even gone so far as to fly her best friend in for the one weekend he’d had to be away in Japan, knowing that if he couldn’t fix it, she usually could. He had asked if she was okay at least twice a day for more than a week, then given up already when she tried to keep her work mask on all the time and lied straight to his face that she was fine. Y/n was not fine, but he didn’t know what was wrong and nothing he had tried had even made a dent in the darkness, so Seokjin did the only thing he could think of and asked for help to the smartest man he knew.

“Hey, man, you okay?” Namjoon asked when Jin barged into his studio one afternoon without even knocking. The king of manners never forgot something so simple.

“I’m okay, but Y/n is not. I’ve tried everything, and I can’t bring her out of this funk she’s in.”

For the next few minutes, Namjoon asked pointed questions about her behavior and her responses to Seokjin’s attempt at cheering her up. After he had basically verbally vomited all over Namjoon’s lap in RKive for nearly 45 minutes, Namjoon said the most obvious thing.

“Jin-hyung, she sounds depressed. Like seriously, clinically depressed. She has all the classic symptoms. Exhaustion, lack of sleep then sleeping too much, not much energy, disengaging, giving up activities she loves…”

Of course, Namjoon and his sexy brain would identify the thing he’d been seeing wreck the love of his life in practically no time at all. The only thing is that he really didn’t have many solutions other than trying to get her to see a doctor to talk about it. Y/n is stubborn and hates doctors, so convincing her to go would take some doing, but he had an idea of how to go about it. Seokjin thought about it more as he walked down the hallway leaving from Namjoon’s studio and gathered a game plan in his mind. He was done for the day after having recorded all of his parts early in the morning, and it was just now 2:30 in the afternoon. He has time to put things in motion before Y/n should be home from work at 5; if he makes a special dinner for her, then maybe he can soften her heart enough for her to hear him out when he asks her to please either let him in to help or to see a professional. Preferably both if things went well.

Seokjin left the building in a bit of a hurry and drove to the supermarket closest to the apartment. It was a small, family run market that regularly got ingredients in that were difficult to find in other places. Y/n had made friends with the owner’s daughter-in-law as they were from the same home country and had bemoaned how difficult it was to find ingredients for certain dishes, even in a city as big as Seoul. Seokjin planned to make this one soup that Y/n called Comfort Soup that she’d taught him to make; it was the food her mom had made her when she was a child anytime she was sick, hurt, or even just sad, and it brought a piece of her home to her now when she felt homesick. He also wanted to bake a crusty artisan loaf to go with it using the one recipe that Y/n had taught him that he could usually bake without an issue. In fact, Y/n called it the Idiot-Proof Loaf, so surely he wouldn’t screw that up. The best part was that while it took an hour and a half from start to finish, the dough only had to rise once, and finished its growth in the oven instead of multiple risings like most of the breads Y/n made. He rushed in and got all the things he needed, then popped into the florist shop next door for those silly purple roses she loved. His final stop was to a little bakery nearby where their second date had been, and bought chocolate covered strawberries and two beautiful slices of the strawberry cheesecake that they’d shared on that date.

When he finally arrived at their apartment building, Seokjin was relived to see that he’d only used 45 minutes of his precious time and had still had time to bake the bread as long as he did that first. He could make Comfort Soup while the dough rose. After unlocking the apartment door, he kicked off his shoes by the door, then took all his ingredients to the kitchen. He put away the strawberries and cheesecake in the ice box then looked down at his outfit. Even with an apron, he should change so that he isn’t covered in flour and dough.

He didn’t notice it at first. Oh my god, how could he not have noticed? He had walked into the closet to change without turning on the bedroom light, so how could he not have noticed the light filtering under the bathroom door? The light he had turned off before leaving this morning. Y/n had left first since she had an early meeting at the office before he had to be to the recording studio, and there is no reason that she should have already been home. He didn’t see her keys on the hook by the door when he came in or her shoes on the rack where they belonged. Seokjin turned around as he pulled the white t-shirt over his head and stood there perplexed for a few seconds staring at the brightness on the carpet before striding over to open the door and turn off the light.

“Oh my god, Y/n!”

He opened the door to see darkening blood on the white tile of the bathroom floor, and Y/n slumped over against the tub. Her wrist was bleeding in her lap and the shining razor blade was lying beside her on the tile. While the volume of blood was disconcerting, there wasn’t as much as he’d ever thought there would be in a situation like this, so Seokjin knew he might have a chance to save her until he noticed the empty bottle of pills in the sink. Then, came the panic.

Seokjin ripped the hand towel off the drying rack and tied it around her bleeding wrist tight enough to put pressure on the wound while he full-on sprinted to the kitchen for his cell phone. He’d left it lying on the kitchen island when he went to change, and he grabbed it and dialed for an ambulance while running back to her. The dispatcher gathered their address and told him that help was coming, but Seokjin could barely hear her. He was shaking Y/n gently trying to get her to respond. He could just barely hear a pulse when he pressed his ear to her chest and her breathing was so damn shallow it barely grazed his skin when he hovered his hand in front of her face. Oh, god, she’s so pale, he though to himself before hanging up and dropping his phone in the pocket of his sweatpants.

“Y/n, baby, can you hear me? Please wake up, please. I need you to wake up.” He didn’t even realize he was crying until he spoke, just begging her to open her eyes.

He barely registered the banging on the front door as help arrived. He didn’t want to leave her, but he had to, so he ran to the door and flung it open for the paramedics and just left the front door gaping open and ran back to the bathroom. Luckily, they took the hint and followed him back to where Y/n was still limp on the floor. They worked quickly and got her all strapped onto a stretcher and told him that he could ride to the hospital with her.

As an afterthought almost, Seokjin grabbed the empty bottle out of the sink and took it with them. Once they were in the ambulance and the paramedics were doing their jobs, Seokjin finally looked at the bottle and immediately felt worse. The empty bottle had his name on it. It had contained muscle relaxers from a couple of months ago when Seokjin had pulled a muscle in his back overworking himself and the doctor had given them to him to help him relax the muscles around it enough that he could sleep. There had been around 10 pills left in the bottle, and Y/n is so much smaller than him in size. Seokjin didn’t know much about medications but he did remember that they were prescribed taking size into consideration, and for the second time in the last 20 minutes, he realized that she might really die.

“Please, Y/n. Please. Oh God you have to wake up.” Seokjin choked on a sob before he could say anything else.

Seokjin felt like the minutes that had passed since he found her were moving through molasses, thick and slow to drip through the hourglass. The ambulance stopped in front of the hospital and the doors flung open into bright late afternoon sunlight, and this nightmare kept going. The paramedics unloaded the stretcher and Seokjin chased them into the emergency room. He kept following them through two sets of double doors, not hearing any words that were being spoken to him until a nurse physically grabbed him.

“Sir, you can’t go any further. We need space to help her,” she said then guided him into a tiny private waiting room. “Wait here and I’ll come back to update you as soon as I can.” She had just made it to the door when he remembered the bottle that he’d been squeezing.

“Here,” he said shakily. “I found this in the sink when I found her. I know that there were at least 10 left in there.”

The nurse thanked him and left quickly, shutting the door behind her. After several seconds of being attacked by the silence in the room, Seokjin’s legs couldn’t hold him up anymore and he just collapsed. He couldn’t stop crying but found the strength to pull out his phone and called Namjoon.

“Namjoon-ah, I was too late. Oh my god, I was too late,” Seokjin sobbed into the phone.

“Jin-hyung, where are you?”

After hearing that Seokjin was at the hospital, Namjoon told him that they’d all come to him. Seokjin had no concept of the flow of time as he remained crumpled on the floor when all six of his brothers tumbled in the door, and he lost it even more when Jimin and Taehyung both wrapped their arms around him. They held him while he sobbed and told them about what he’d found when he’d opened the bathroom door. After a while, Seokjin felt like his chest was gaping open and all of his internal organs were falling out at once, but the tears slowed down as the panic flooded back in; his chest constricted in terror and anxiety and sharp, wracking pain.

“I can’t breathe. Oh, my god, I can’t breathe,” he gasped out as he looked up and met eyes with Namjoon.

Jimin and Taehyung backed up a little to give him some space as Seokjin started hyperventilating. The edges of his vision were starting to get blurry and almost sparkled a bit as his body seemed to reject every breath he tried to take. He barely registered the sound of the door opening as Yoongi ran out to get help. Seokjin struggled to breathe and tried desperately to cling to consciousness as the panic attack really set in.

An unfamiliar feminine face was in front of him then, encouraging him to focus on the sound of her voice. She spoke softly and calmly to him, but she might as well have been speaking to him in Greek because he couldn’t understand any of her words. For that matter, he could just barely hear her over this loud whooshing sound in his ears. The tone of her voice was soft and forced him to focus on nothing else to try to understand what she was saying, and after a few minutes the whooshing noise quieted down enough to hear her properly and he began to lose some of the tightness in his chest.

“Seokjin-ssi, that’s it. Keep breathing slowly and deeply. You are safe. You are just having a panic attack right now, and that’s understandable. Just keep listening to my voice and keep breathing in…then out…now in again,” she murmured to him.

After she was sure that he was calm and wouldn’t panic again, she turned to the other men in the room and asked them to help Seokjin out of the floor. Jungkook stepped up with Namjoon and they physically lifted him up and into a chair. Seokjin couldn’t help them because his legs had been substituted with lemon jello that hadn’t fully set up yet.

Yoongi held a cup to his lips. “Drink, hyung,” he said softly.

Seokjin sipped obediently a few times until Yoongi was satisfied and sat the cup on a nearby table. Seokjin was shocked when Yoongi wrapped his arms around him. Yoongi rarely initiated physical shows of affection, but he understood this entire scenario in a deeper way than he wanted to admit and he knew exactly what Seokjin needed in this moment.

“Yoongichi, I think this is my fault,” Seokjin whispered into his ear.

“No, Jin-hyung. It is not your fault.”

“But I think it is. I must not have loved her well enough. I wasn’t home enough. The pills she took were mine. If I had gone to Namjoon-ah for help sooner…” Seokjin’s voice cracked and he couldn’t finish the thought.

“It is not your fault. Trust me. Do you not remember where I was emotionally when we met? And how close I came to trying too? Do you remember what I said to you the night you walked in and stopped me?” Yoongi countered gently.

“You said that you didn’t want to weigh us all down and that you’d rather hurt yourself than hurt us. And that everything is all your fault.”

“That’s right,” Yoongi replied with a soft smile. “And what did you say back to me?”

“That just because you feel like it’s your fault doesn’t mean that it is. That leaving us that way would hurt more than any burden you handed us. And to let me be your tether when you needed something to hold you down to the earth.”

“Yes, So, now I get a chance to say part of it back to you. Just because you think this is your fault doesn’t mean it is. You saved her, Jin-hyung. You are the reason she’s still breathing now, just like you are the reason I am still breathing now. Yes, she got a little closer to the fire than we’d like, but she can still come back to us. And when she does, Y/n is going to need a tether on the hard days, yeah?”

Seokjin couldn’t speak at that. He still felt like everything was his fault for not realizing what was happening sooner, but Yoongi was right. He had to stay strong because Y/n needed that right now, so he squeezed Yoongi a little tighter then let go before he started to cry again. Yoongi moved from kneeling in front of him to plant himself in the chair beside him. Now that his panic attack had stopped, Seokjin felt like someone had buried him under the weight of about 100 tons of brick. Everything was so heavy, and he was too tired to try to climb out. He finally looked around the room and took it in for the first time.

The waiting room was small but big enough for all of them. Namjoon was in the corner speaking quietly into the phone, presumably updating their managers on what was happening. Seokjin hadn’t thought to call anyone except Namjoon since Namjoon was the only person he’d spoken with about this. Jungkook was standing by the door with his arms crossed, almost as if he was standing guard over his brothers; his stance portrayed his worry a bit in that his first instinct when one of his hyungs was hurting was to cry with them, then protect them if he could. Hoseok was sitting on a small couch on the left side of the room smashed in between Jimin and Taehyung, both folded into Hobi for security and comfort. Hobi had both boys tucked under his arms and was trying to help them stay calm. Both Jimin and Taehyung were empaths and this scenario had them both on edge from the emotions in the room. Jimin still had tears running down his cheeks from the fear of Seokjin’s panic attack and worry for his friend. Taehyung was staring at Jin with wide eyes, seemingly trying to decide if he was okay and what he should do to help.

“I’m okay, Taehyungie,” Seokjin said softly. “I’m just scared.”

Taehyung got up and moved to sit at Seokjin’s feet and wrapped his arms around Seokjin’s legs. It was a small gesture, but somehow it helped to settle some of the remaining anxiety in the pit of Jin’s stomach, and he knew that the physical contact would help Tae relax a bit.

Time seemed to stop moving. Seokjin had no concept of how long they had been in this room. It could have been seconds, or it could have been 10 years, but not knowing what was happening with Y/n was making him crazy. Just when he thought that he couldn’t handle another minute of this stretching unnerving silence, there was a knock at the door, then the doctor stepped in.

“Kim Seokjin?” he asked.

“That’s me. How is she?” Jin stuttered out.

“She’s still alive, but in critical condition. She had lost quite a lot of blood when you found her. We had to give her three pints just to stabilize her. We also did have to pump her stomach for the pills she had taken. We wouldn’t have known about that if you hadn’t brought the bottle in. Honestly, if you had found her 5 minutes later, the outcome may have been very different. As it is, she’s still very weak and unconscious. Hopefully, she will wake up in the next few days, but we still have to wait and see.”

“Can I see her?” Seokin asked.

“Yes, but just be prepared. Her color is still really pale, and she’s hooked up to quite a few monitors. We have also inserted a ventilation tube to help her with breathing for tonight. We hope to remove it tomorrow morning, but we can take it out sooner if she wakes up before then. It’s not standard, but due to the scenario, you may want to bring someone with you,” the doctor advised then smiled softly. “I really think she will be okay, but I can’t be 100% sure.”

Seokjin looked around the room at each of his brothers, meeting eyes with Yoongi last. “Come with me?” he whispered. Yoongi nodded then stood. Taehyung unwrapped himself from around Seokjin’s legs and allowed the two men to follow the doctor out of the room.

The doctor lead them down a seemingly endless hallway before they arrived at a set of double doors. The doctor waved his name badge in front of a keypad and the doors swung open to another hallway. They walked past 4 doors before the doctor stopped and knocked on a door on the left side then let them in.

“Just let me know if you have any questions. I’ll be in to check on her in a couple of hours,” he told them before leaving and closing the door.

Seokjin watched the door close before he finally looked at Y/n lying in the bed. It was like he was standing in his worst nightmare and couldn’t wake up. She looked so small lying there, and so, so pale. There was an IV coming out of her right arm that connected to a couple of bags of fluid hanging limply from a pole beside the bed. There was a plastic mask over her mouth connected with the ventilator at the bedside, and wires that connected from cathodes on her chest to a large beeping heart monitor on the left side of the bed. At the shock of seeing Y/n like this, his knees almost buckled. He would have hit the floor if Yoongi hadn’t grabbed him. Yoongi guided him over to the chair beside the bed and helped him sit down.

“She almost looks dead, Yoongi. Oh my god…” he whimpered.

Yoongi didn’t say anything, he just grabbed Seokjin’s hand and held it tight. It had been nearly 5 years since the night Seokjin had walked in on him with a knife in his hand standing in the bathtub of their shared bathroom. Seokjin had talked him down that night and 3 more times since. Yoongi can’t help but think that while he has recovered so much, this could have been him at some point, and his chest ached. He hurt for his friend lying in the bed, and he ached for his brother who loved her so much and he was upset with himself for not being able to help either of them. He settled on being as comforting to Seokjin as he possibly could and released his hand just long enough to drag an empty chair up beside him, then grabbing his hand again.

Seokjin gently held Y/n’s hand in his right and Yoongi’s in his left. He tried to take the comfort he got from Yoongi’s hand and pour it into the gentle grip he maintained on Y/n’s hand. Tears were dripping silently down his cheeks as he watched the machine take breaths for her and listened to the beeping of the heart monitor. The heart monitor’s sound was comforting somehow as the steady beating reminded him that every beep was a beat of her heart. Seokjin just sat and stared at her motionless form in the bed, and after a while, the beeping of the heart monitor lulled him to sleep without him realizing he’d drifted off.

A loud frantic alarm went off and Seokjin jarred awake, taking a second to remember where he was and why he was there. When he jerked upright, Yoongi’s head fell off of his shoulder where it had landed and Yoongi woke up too. The heart monitor was beeping loudly and erratically now.

“Oh god, Yoongi get help. Something’s wrong.”

Yoongi ran out into the hallway, and Seokjin could vaguely recognize his voice calling for the nurses to come help. Y/n’s eyes hadn’t opened, but she looked paler than she had been and Seokjin couldn’t help but to panic.

“Y/n, no! Please wake up! You can’t leave me like this,” Jin cried, shaking her gently.

The nurses ran in just before that same alarm that shocked him awake sounded again, and they shoved Seokjin out the door and out of the way to have room to work.

“No, please! I need to be with her! Please! Y/n! Y/N! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME. PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!” Seokjin started screaming and crying trying to fight off the arms that were holding him back.

Yoongi spun him around to face him then and pulled him into a hug. “Hyung, you have to let them work. You have to let them help her.”

Seokjin felt like he had lost all control and he wasn’t sure he could just stand here when his entire world was behind that closed door dying. At the same time, he didn’t know what he could do to help, and he was so angry that he couldn’t just fix this. Seokjin let Yoongi lead him a few feet away from the door so they wouldn’t be blocking the way if anyone needed to come in or out. After an eternity it seemed, the nurses opened the door and called Seokjin over.

“I’m sorry for shoving you out the door. The alarm you were hearing was the heart rate monitor. Her blood pressure was dropping, and we had to give her a big shot of some medication to correct that. She has stabilized a bit and you can go back in and wait with her if you’d like.”

Seokjin just nodded and walked back in and headed back to his chair at the bedside. Yoongi grabbed his hand and squeezed it for a moment before speaking, “Hyung, I’m going to go update everyone. I know they are all worried about what’s happening. I’ll send someone else to come back with you for a bit so that they can visit Y/n too. They love her too.”

“Okay,” Seokjin whispered. “Would you send Joon-ah?”

“Of course I will.”

After Seokjin heard the door click closed, he took a closer look at Y/n. She was still so pale and looked like she was so breakable. Even through all of that, she was still the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, and he couldn’t just sit there by the bedside anymore. He needed to hold her in his arms, so he gently navigated all of the wires and tubes to climb in the bed beside her and wrap his arms around her as gently as he could. The bed was so small, but his entire body relaxed a bit when he was able to feel her beside him. Seokjin kissed her gently on the temple before speaking softly into her ear.

“Baby, I hope you can hear me. I love you so much. I am so sorry that I didn’t realize what was happening with you sooner. I tried so hard to help in subtle ways and not to force you to open up about what was going wrong. I should have pushed even if we fought. I’d rather live with the knowledge that you are angry with me than for you to not be alive at all. Please. Please, don’t leave me.” Seokjin couldn’t stop himself from sobbing into Y/n’s hair, and he was so exhausted with worry and fear. After a few more minutes, he had cried himself back to sleep.

As Seokjin’s sleep addled brain woke back up a few hours later, he had difficulty remembering where he was, but then he opened his eyes and reality bitch-slapped him in the face. He glanced down to see Y/n still unconscious beside him. He needed to visit the restroom and something to drink. He had cried so much that his entire body felt like it was drying up from the inside out. He slowly sat up and maneuvered out of the bed so that he wouldn’t disconnect any of the vital tubes and wires connected to her and got out of the bed. When he did, he saw Namjoon slumped over asleep in the chair he’d vacated the night before and smiled a bit to himself before slipping into the connected bathroom.

Seokjin stared at himself in the mirror as he washed his hands. While he still was as handsome as he’d ever been, his eyes were swollen and a bit red from crying and sleeping in his contacts. His hair was sticking up everywhere too from sleep, and there was a big brown streak of dried blood across his white tee from where he’d found Y/n. He looked like hell. He splashed some water on his face a bit then came out of the bathroom. As much as he didn’t want to leave her, he wanted to check on the others down the hallway. After exiting the restroom, he sat down beside Namjoon and lightly shook him.

“Namjoon-ah, wake up.”

Namjoon startled awake a bit, looking around to see what was happening. “Wha…What’s going on? Did something happen?”

“No, nothing has changed. I just want to walk down the hall to check on the others and get a cup of coffee. Will you stay with her please? I don’t want her to be alone when she wakes up. I just feel like I’m going to lose my mind if I stay still in this room for another second.”

Namjoon agreed immediately, and Seokjin rose and left the room as quietly as possible. He wondered down the hallway and back to the double doors. There was a sign beside the door that notated a 4-digit code so that he could get back in without a doctor’s name badge upon his return, so he committed that to memory before heading back into the room where he’d left the others. He walked in and saw Yoongi and Hoseok curled up on the sofa, cuddled up together asleep. The maknaes were all three curled up in the floor together using cushions they had removed from the chairs around the room as pillows, but they were all touching. Jungkook was in the middle, with Taehyung draped around him. Taehyung had one arm and one leg thrown across Jungkook, and Jimin was holding his hand. Jimin was lying with his left side pushed against Jungkook’s side and his head tilted so that it touched Jungkook’s shoulder. Seokjin chuckled a bit at the sight, glad that he had these men as his family. At the sound of his laugh, Hoseok looked over at Seokjin where he was standing just inside the door. Hoseok had always been the lightest sleeper of the group, and any sound would disrupt him.

“Hyung?” Hoseok asked, “Is Y/n awake?”

“No, Seokie, she’s not. But I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust from not being able to help her, so I came out to get some coffee.”

“Oh.” Hoseok’s face fell as he learned that Y/n was still not awake. “Sejin-hyung brought you a change of clothes and a toothbrush in the middle of the night. Joonie told him about how you…about your shirt.”

Seokjin found the bag in the corner of the room, so thankful at how much like family their managers were with them. They had always looked after all 7 as if they were their own children, so when something happened to 1 member, it happed to the entire staff too. Seokjin stepped into the small bathroom connected to the waiting room to change and brush his teeth and immediately felt a bit calmer. There had been black sweatpants, a white tee shirt and an oversized blue sweater in the bag. The sweater helped immensely. It was the one that Y/n had stolen to sleep in the other day, so her scent was still woven into the fabric and it helped him to stay calm and hopeful. He stepped out into the waiting room to see that the maknaes were starting to stir a bit.

“Jin-hyung, I’m going to get coffee and breakfast for everyone. Can I bring you something?” Jimin asked.

“Just coffee, Minnie. I don’t think I can stomach the thought of food at the moment. I’m going to head back to Y/n, so just call when you get back and I’ll come out and get the coffee.”

Seokjin then headed back towards Y/n’s room in the intensive care unit. He heard Namjoon screaming for someone to come before he got back through the double doors and his heart nearly exploded in fear. What if she’s crashing again, he thought to himself as he was running down the hall. He nearly collided with Namjoon midway there. Namjoon grabbed both his arms to keep from falling backwards, before he said two words that made Seokjin’s heart flutter from relief.

“She’s awake.”

#bts #bts fic #bts fanfic #bts imagine #bts imagines #bts imagination #bts au #bts angst #bts jin #bts seokjin #bts jin angst #bts seokjin angst #bangtan #bangtan boys #bangtan donyeondan #hold on #jin #seokjin #kim seokjin

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rewordthis · 4 years

Text

White Tiled Sorrows

the us from this moment –

1676 words SouHaru SFW

Prologue:

"If there ever was anything that could throw him off, that was probably fate — he vaguely recalls Rin to have argued about that — or maybe, just his luck."

< | [X] | >

[Part A]

… Faded-white, cement bricks on the pavement covering each plane of the road side. Trees, willowy and tall, unlike the ones on his region. A playground a few meters ahead…

"Shit—" he cursed lowly. He's gotten lost— again.

Trying to understand when exactly he had messed up his route, he mindlessly made a beeline towards the small recreational area. The place was nice. If he had to get lost in the city this was a nice area to do so; the sun was stealing in on his face through the trees, a sweet warmth hitting his cheek, down where he sat on one open swing.

It was still a bit chilly outside, considering that it was just a couple days into March. Graduation day was merely a month away, and he had to consider a gift for Gou and go wish to Ai.

'Ai…' thinking back to it, his final year as a high school student was one very fond memory for him. He had simply hoped to see Rin again, but ended up finding a family. Ai, Momo, Uozumi, all of them— they had all accepted him as one of their own. They respected him. Not because of his status as elder, but because they considered him valuable. Him — Sousuke. They didn't try to dissuade him or look down on him when they had him found out. Quite the contrary, they took him in, they enveloped him with gentleness and comfort and made him their unrivaled, unyielding hero. They gave him their strength. And filled him with new hope.

He owed them so much. So— so much.

A brazen cheering pierced through in the background, effectively bursting his bubbling thoughts.

He turned to the side to eye a cluster of children, flowing out from a place somewhere behind him.

His mind was clear. Lucid as for the very first time after eons. No troubles. No pretense. He suddenly felt a tug at his lips. He was smiling, wasn't he?

If Sousuke could see himself at that moment, he would swore he didn't know this person.

Soft eyes— shining, tender expression, an almost smile. Something familiar and fond and very nostalgic pulling at his heart. It felt horribly out of character for something this sappy to bloom out of him. Made him feel so out of place. So empty…

<<Growl>>

'hungry?'

Without much thought to it, Sousuke got up from his swing that clang noisily from the quick flurry of his movements, and headed in the opposite direction from where the echoes of cheering still reached him. He didn't ventured too far from where he had been, and he found himself standing in front of a communal pool.

There were some kids that had yet to leave the premises, blabbing energized about this and that.

He didn't plan to, in fact he had wanted to turn around and leave once his curiosity was sated, but his feet carried him all the way to the entrance.

He found himself taking a quick glance of the time table attached to one of the door leaves, as he pushed behind the other.

[ Friday: 13:00 - 14:30 elementary students practice

14:30 - 20:00 public hour ]

He didn't even checked his watch as he noted that -something- had held those kids back for at least half an hour after their class. It was, currently, 15:15. He knows this much because he saw the time when he exited the station at 14:30 sharp and then again at 14:45 when he sighed for the umpteenth time that evening as he had lost his way.

He trod in along the entrance hall, taking in the poster-covered walls; practice notices, open invitations to past events, warnings and rules for the public and swimmers, a plaque of the buildings’ name, the founding day and the donor that had obviously put his money in the project. It was a small golden plate with neat kanji, that Sousuke couldn't find it in him to actually bother to look at. He just moved ahead.

Pushing open the double steel doors, each with a stained glass the shape of a hemisphere and a long cylindrical handle attached from top to bottom, he had felt at ease. Now, driving through another pair of doors; wooden this time and much lighter, rectangular semi-transparent panes on each panel giving little to none of what was going on behind them, he found himself buzzing with excitement. He couldn't remember when was the last time he'd felt this way. It seemed so bizarre to have all this energy all of a sudden, 'cause — wasn't he hungry?!

Upon entering he was greeted with all too many people, ranking on all ages. Young men and women enjoying the water or moving around in a relaxed manner, the elderly sitting along the benches that lined the walls, 3-year-olds that were taking their first swimming lessons from their proud parents in the kiddy pool and some slightly older ones too. And on the far end towards — what Sousuke assumed — the locker rooms, were a deep pool not quite the size of an Olympic one but big all the same, that bustled busily with chattering and splashing. A ring of spectators was circling the pool, children cheering excitedly and younger people staring amazed from the sidelines.

Sousuke stood. In the middle of the slippery tiled floor, that looked like an artificial divide between the two clashing energies in this confined space, he stood. He examined the cheering bunch, detecting the fine sound of rhythmical sloshing through water.

Someone was swimming there — a kid maybe?

(But not quite.)

He doesn't really have the time to act of his own as a kid sprints past him — and he follows it with his eyes to where it meets with a middle-aged woman, his mother, he notes — and now is quickly running in his direction again, only, the kid is loosing his footing for a moment and Sousuke reaches out one big hand and grabs him. He looks surprised — if not stunned — as if he hadn't noticed the bulk that Sousuke's sheer size was forming in the space between.

Sousuke looks genuinely surprised himself. He actually managed to catch the kid in time. He didn't think he would…

"Kid…" he started and he felt the boy flinch in his grip. Ah— he's probably intimidating, isn't he; standing almost 10 heads above, he ought to be. So he swallows and drops his tone a notch. He tries again: "kid, it's dangerous to run in the pool—"

As he releases his hold on the boy's arm he notices the distinct forming of fingerprints around the soft flesh. He bites his lip. 'Damn—'

He's got no time to apologize properly before the kid beams up a smile at him and grab a hold of his wrist.

"It's ok! It doesn't hurt. At least I didn't fell, so thank you! Also, I'm sorry for running in the pool…” He says as he drags Sousuke along, to the big pool.

"Both my old coach and my new coach tell me not to run on the wet floor—", he makes a face —indignant?— "… mom, too." He finishes as he steals a glance back to where the woman was moments earlier…

'So that's how it is.' Sousuke notes with a nod of his head. And maybe he's smiling, because the kid is training a curious eye on him now.

This boy reminds him of himself when he was little. Black, short, spiky hair and piercing gaze. But the way he's easy with a guy like Sousuke, brings forth memories of his best friend as well.

"Say, oni-chan, do you swim?"

"Ah, yeah…?" 'How— no shit, idiot! Of course the kid would ask you that. You're in a pool for fucks sake… DUH!'

And the kid appears perplexed for a brief second before he says: "No, I mean— like professionally! You know…"

And Sousuke's brain barely registers the following words as he comes into view of what the formless barrier of moving bodies reveal before his disbelieving eyes…

"… like Haru is!"

And there is positively one Haruka Nanase, gleefully drifting over and under the water with lazy movements, much like a dolphin playing freely — not in a closed off tank, but rather — out in the vastness of the ocean. Happy. Content.

And he hears, as if from somewhere far away on his right…

"Haru swims professionally, but he swims only free!"

And there is a tear at his arm — one that hopefully didn't rip open his stitches (and, could the stitches get ripped when they are already removed by his doctor? Or what?) — and he's inches away from the edge of the pool and the kid next to him is frantically waving a hand at Haru; like a cat trying to catch its masters’ attention and show him the mouse it managed to caught. Like a gift in a show of affection or something.

The kid calls at Haru.

"Haru, this oni-chan over here is swimming too! He's really nice and I think you can become good friends!"

And Nana— Haru, is stilling in his spot, shaking the excess water from his face. His eyes drift to the kid where they trace his hand back over to Sousuke's blank face.

Sousuke can tell he's surprised as well from the imperceptible rounding of his rims in awe, sharp gaze growing lightly wondering.

"Am sure you'll like him!" The kid says as he finally releases Sousuke to dive into the pool, moving close to Haru.

The man is still looking at the stone effigy that is Sousuke. Sousuke finds his lingering gaze growing even more unbearable as he lowers himself in the water, the majority of his features hidden in the shimmering liquid, his eyes alone striking with a strange glow.

And surely enough, Sousuke can hear a familiar voice from half across the earth, laughing in mirth at him and his misery… ‘just shut up, Rin!’

Because…

'Shit—' (now he wants to swim?)

…

[End of Part A]

••••••••••••••••

A.N.: please do take the world and background/buildings descriptions with a grain of salt, as I've taken some liberties in this story.

< | [X] | >

#souharu #sousuke yamazaki #haruka nanase #free! series #Free!#free! dive to the future #time set #Fic #1676 words #sfw #My writing

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tammistories · 4 years

Text

Our Dilemma Chapter Two: Aim Sams

Christine's POV

Since monday where I after 2 and soon to be 3 years talked to him (even if I just yelled out his name), he has been giving me looks. They are not the friendly looks, it's more like he's visualising how to kill me. It doesn't bother me that he gives me evil glares but just that I feel like he's about to say something every time.

"If stares could kill, I'd be dead a long time ago." Aim has his arm around me as we walk to class as he usually does. Mia is walking backwards as she talks. She almost bumps into a few people but Aim always pulls her closer when she's about to. He's made it into a reflex by now.

"That's not right because before he looked at you like anyone else but now" She drags out the o in 'now's and does a dramatic stand.

"He looks at you with a death stare which apparently is better according to my dear sister?" He looks over at Mia who'd glaring at him.

"No! Now she's closer to him, closer to get to him than the rest of us in this school."

"You're forgetting an important detail." I stop when we finally reach mine and Mia's classroom for literature.

"I don't want to get closer to him because-"

"You hate him." They both say in unison and I jokingly clap and then drag Mia with me into the classroom. It's too strong of a word to say I hate him but it still fit to how I see him. I hate him for have treated me so badly for no absolute reason but I don't hate him for the person he was. Note the past tense. I don't know him anymore and I don't want to.

"So many new people. I don't understand why people hop off this class, it's so easy. It's a free grade!" Mia and I take a seat in the back middle. It was already a small class but it's gotten smaller and just a few new faces have come.

Mia keeps chit-chatting until the teacher enters and the lesson starts. People keep talking during the class forcing the teacher to stop in the middle of her presentation several times. She loses it when a late classmate enters, it's someone new I don't recognize in the dark.

"Mr Williams please take a seat." Alec. He passes me and takes the seat in the back corner. I don't pay him any attention but Mia doesn't do the same. She turns around to look at him several times and not so discreetly. I shove her arm more than once when I catch her.

"You could be more discreet." She just gives me the tongue and continues to look back and forth between the presentation and Alec.

***

"She never stopped looking at him but that's not the worst part, no, he's in our literature class." We're sitting at the lunch area, it's quite empty since most of the students are sitting outside, that includes, of course, Alec and his friends.

"Just ignore him." Aim looks bored with the conversation but still pays attention. But it's not my fault, it was Mia that triggered me.

"She can't. She obviously felt how he stared at her the whole lesson." I choke a little on my water and Ursula that had been quiet the whole time finally chuckle a little.

"Everyone feels it when someone watches them, it's not that strange." Ursula says.

"I didn't know he was staring me to death the whole lesson." I see in the corner of my eye how Aim look at both me and Mia.

"Well he was, I witnessed it. I noticed something though today, he didn't look at you like he wanted to murder you, more like...curious." I look over at Aim and to Ursula, back to Mia and all over again.

"I prefer the death stares and also maybe he looked curious because he can't place me, he probably doesn't remember me." We hear a loud group enter the lunchroom. They yell out Aim's name and walk over to us, in the group I see a few familiar faces.

"Christine, Christine. You made quite a scene the other day." Aim's friend, George, take the seat next to me. I hadn't noticed him in outside of the cafeteria.

"Hello, George."

"How did you know about Alec and Chris's little disagreement?" Aim asks as he eats the chips he took out of his bag. His other friend grabs it off his hands telling him to stay away from junk for the game.

"I was there at the table. Alec's a friend of mine." Mia and I look at each other in shock, she must've been surprised too. We both look over at Aim who have his chips back.

"What? It's not important that he's friends with him." It's true but it somehow still bothers me.

"Finally someone else that can give me details of what happened!" She burst out in joy and lean over me asking some regular questions but other too weird and uncomfortable.

"George!" A purple-haired girl wave at him from the open door to the outside food area. I recognize her from Alec's group of friends, she's not the girl that always cling to his side but she's one of the girls that glared at me.

"Duty calls." He takes his leave and embraces the beautiful girl and walks off. I follow them with my eyes and see the table through the window. Alec stand up to greet George and takes a seat, he's laughing at something and as quickly as it came it's gone. Does he see me?

"Alright sisters, I'm leaving for gym class." I forcibly look away as Aim stand up to leave.

"Before I forget, I can't drive you guys home today. The guys and I are gonna stay and practice." Mia grabs his arm before he can leave.

"And how the hell are we gonna get home Aim? It takes at least 30 minutes to walk to our place and longer for Chris to get home!" She nags and pleads him to drive them home. I don't want to burden him when their game is getting so close. I'd just have to skip my nap before work today.

"She can just stay at our place 'til I get home."

"She has work today, it's thursday." I pull her back into her seat and give Aim an apologetic look.

"Don't worry, we'll be fine. Now go before Mia starts nagging again." He chuckles, grabs his things and leaves with his teammates, leaving me, Mia and Ursula.

***

Mia insisted on asking people around for a ride but when we get to the parking lot there are almost no cars left. There are two cars and a black motorcycle left. I tell Mia that we can walk home but she just waves her hand and walk up to anyone that passes by for a ride. Could we look more desperate?

"You guys need a ride?" I thought Mia would look thrilled to get asked that but she's not. I turn around to see, none other than, Alec. Why does he keep showing up?

"No."

"Yes." We both say at the same time, Alec doesn't look at me at all. He's playing with his keys in his hand as he seems impatient.

"Yes, we need a ride." I am not getting in a car with Alec in it, I'd rather jump off a cliff before that comes to be.

"You need a ride, I'm gonna walk home. I'll see you tomorrow." Mia tries to stop me but I'm already out of reach. I hear them exchange a few words and then a motor kicking on. I can't help but look back to see Mia sitting behind Alec with her hands holding on to his jean jacket on the big black motorcycle.

"Don't forget to call me when you get home!" The last words fade as they drive away. Some people would have been mad at their friend leaving them like this for an asshole you absolutely hate. But he hasn't done anything to her so if they become friends I would have to suck it up. Plus it was awfully surprising to see him offer a ride, even if it only seemed possible to fit two people on the motorcycle.

I've only walked a short distance, I can still see the school. 45 minutes walk home. I'll get home to shower get dressed to work and then walk another 20 minutes to the cafeé. I turn my heel and head back to the school toward the basketball court.

"Pass!" The boys' voices echo before I even get inside. I sit on the first lower benches and watch them play. Aim's very good at the teamwork and passes the ball almost immediately after he gets the ball. George, on the other hand, is very selfish in the game and keeps getting yelled at to pass the ball as the dribbles through the court.

"Come on George, pass the freaking ball!" Aim appeared to just laugh, at what I'm not sure if it wasn't the fact that George was getting yelled at of his teammates. Aim finally notices me and jog over to me.

"Chris, what are you still doing here? And where's Mia?"

"Well she got a ride from Williams but I declined 'cause, you know, so here I am." He seems a little conflicted of what to do, maybe I'm stressing him a bit sitting here rushing him?

"No rush!" I reassure him and take out my notebook to study as they play. The time pass by slower than I thought it would but then at last Aim comes back with his training bag over his shoulder. We walk out to the car and without Mia, I take her usual seat in the front.

"You got bored didn't you?" He turns the key and the motor kick on and we're on our way back. The cars digital car is 16.30, which means I have 1 and half an hour on me until my shift starts.

"Not at all, studying got a little boring that was probably why I looked so bored." He doesn't look so confused when he gives me a quick glance. Watching the guys play wasn't boring for the first hour but then they started to shout things to each other and well I lost interest.

"Your game's tomorrow?" He takes the turn that goes to my house and soon enough he stops the car.

"That's right and you and Mia are coming." I give him a nod and take my stuff from the backseat. I give him a quick hug and walk up to the door, unlock it.

"Hello?" My dad answers me and tells me to come to the kitchen where he's eating fast cooked noodles with a glass of water. I give him a quick hug and take out some for me.

"How was school?" I pour hot water over the noodles and with the chopsticks drown them to warm up the noodles a little quicker.

"It was good, our literature teacher told us about this last project we're gonna start with. I'm gonna work with Mia." The noodles have started to soften and I move to chopsticks around in the water.

"As long as you two work well together." He slurps way too many noodles in one bite and splash the soup all around his plate.

"Careful dad. Anyways remember that tomorrow's Aim's game so I'll be out late." I take the first bite just as I expected they weren't quite done yet but I don't have time. Dad keeps small talking about work and the news but before we can get any deeper into the subjects I leave to get dressed for work and head downstairs to put on my shoes.

"I'm leaving dad!" I take one last look in the mirror by the door. Black pair of jeans and a little oversized plain black t-shirt with. It was a very boring dress code, I wish I could use my regular clothes since I hate wearing tight jeans but since it's required, I can't do anything. I close the door behind me with the keys and take my leave.

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I’ll keep updating every weekend!

On my Instagram (@tammistories) and Twitter (@peredo_tamara) I’ll be posting teasers and other things on my current stories, so make sure to follow me there!

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corinnejmorris · 5 years

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↷ A DAY IN THE LIFE

Transcribed above: Dear diary, I had lunch with Celia Mae this afternoon since she was in town. Apparently her contractor continues to delay the renovations on her house in the Hamptons, and she drives out every weekend from Boston to meet with him. She likes to believe their hookups are coincidental but surely she knows he’s stalling just to see her? Hopefully her husband doesn’t find out..or does...I don’t know what I’d do in such a situation…regardless, she was telling me about this exercise wherein, you keep track of your day in a journal or an app— but writing most definitely will be more beneficial for me. It’s to get an idea of where your time goes, so you can try to improve your productivity and be more aware of your everyday happenings. Anyways, I’m going to try it on Friday, since Thursday is so busy.

5:30AM

She wakes up with the assistance of $90 sunrise alarm clock. She makes her bed almost immediately and lazily walks over to her ensuite. She’s a morning shower person, so her oversized tshirt gets left on the floor as she lets the water heat up. Towel wrapped around her chest, she continues on to teeth, then skin care— toner, serum, eye cream, moisturizer and sunscreen, then moisturize before she’s onto the closet. She doesn’t spend long finding something, and make sure to grab a pair of leggings and a sports bra for yoga this afternoon. Before changing she sits at her vanity and does her beauty routine— primer, light concealer, lip balm, eye shadow, mascara, lips, perfume.

Transcribed above: Dear diary, I woke up at 5:30 this morning, and spent an hour and a half on my look this morning.

7:00AM

She’s changed and is now in the kitchen, for a mediocre cook at best— Corinne can somewhat pull off breakfast. Turkey bacon in a pan, and a small saucepan is boiling water. Whole wheat toast from a local bakery in her toaster and espresso brews on her stove top. Now is when she checks her phone for late night emails, calls or texts she may have missed and makes note to answer them once she gets to work, or answers immediately if they’re pressing. She poaches her egg, and smashes an avocado on her toast with some chili flakes. She eats alone at her dining room, no phone, no notebook, often times with a soundtrack of soft jazz.

7:45 AM

She’s in her car with two lattes in travel mugs. Although her office isn’t that far, she likes being the first person in the office. Or at least one of the first— but today she picks up Nicky first which used to be a more common occurrence but now he more often commutes with his girlfriend. The drive from her neighbourhood to his is short and she greets him with a hot latte. They drive through the beginnings of morning traffic and Nicky talks while she nods and pipes in occasionally.

Transcribed above: Dear diary, We’re settled in the office now, sometimes I forget how refreshing Nick’s babble can be.

8:10 AM

Emails, phone calls and all the correspondence she can muster before their team debrief. All the while she tries to finish her own latte, and solve whatever Nicky’s plight so happens to be. This is also when she sets up her schedule for the day.

8:35 AM

Team debrief, overlook at the past week, what next week looks like. Where everyone is at on their projects, where they can use insight. This might be Corinne’s favourite part of the day.

9:00 AM

Meeting one, whatever client she’s spear heading normally gets this first meeting. Gets as long as they need, and this slot is usually reserved for whoever pays most. Today it’s a meeting with some more of Bell’s campaign staff. A progress report of sorts.

11:00 AM

Meeting two, a conference call with the New York guys. Corinne mostly does these out of courtesy. She really wishes she could off load this onto someone else, but she doesn’t. They talk about possible expansion, she thinks for a moment about moving back to New York.

12:00 PM

Social media break before lunch, god her brother’s kid is so cute!

12:15 PM

Lunch at the office today and as much as she hates interrupting her eating, there’s a meeting with the board she’s forced to attend.

1:45 PM

Back in her office, with a stack of reports neatly piled on her desk. This alone time is her favourite. Alone with the words and numbers, highlighters and pens— a time she could clear her head of everything else and focus.

Transcribed above: Dear diary, I’m taking a break from the tobacco reports to update you on today’s events.

3:30 PM

Rooftop yoga at the office. She changes in the bathroom down the hall before walking up the final two flights up to the rooftop. A serene closing to her day.

4:45 PM

Back in the office, back in her Western business casual attire and sending out her final emails of the day, planning any meetings for tomorrow, a few quick phone calls and she’s ready to be out the door.

5:25 PM

She says goodbye to her assistant and is off to find her car. With the rush hour traffic her ride takes her around 40 minutes. But also her sometimes shitty driving might also play a part in the length of her commute.

6:30 PM

She unlocks her front door and immediately gets rid of her shoes and drops her purse. Although she’ll only be here for a few minutes, walking through her front door is always a welcoming feeling. She quickly changes, and smokes out her shadow for a more night time look.

Transcribed above: Dear diary, I’m sort of in a rush but, today was a good day— smooth, no hiccups. I have dinner with Colin tonight which should be nice.

8:10 PM

Dinner downtown. It feels like a slightly more personal client dinner but it’s nice to catch up. Although she initially thought they wouldn’t have a lot to talk about, the conversation starts and never stops. She’s glad she got to do this. The company is welcomed, the food is great and the wine is even better.

10:40 PM

His hotel is just around the corner and they say goodbye and agree to catch up again soon. The walk to her car is brisk and she’s back on the road shortly. Driving timidly after her two glasses of red.

11:00 PM

This time there’s an audible sigh when she enters the house this time. Now she’s done for the night. Clothing is shed when she breaches her bedroom and sits at her vanity. She removes her makeup and spends a beat too long inspecting every inch of her face. She slips back into her pyjamas from this morning.

Transcribed above: Dear diary, Dinner with Colin was fantastic, I forgot how charming and talkative he was. It’s always so nice to catch up with people from school. Maybe I should call him.

11:45 PM

She goes downstairs for one more drink and sits on her couch in the dark. She enjoys the stillness of moments like these. Reminds her of the power of her loneliness.

12:50 AM

She drags her tired limbs back upstairs and brushes her teeth before curling up her duvet.

#cbcchallenge #long post for ts #again...why am i like this #anyway i'm bout to pass out #deuces #musings

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lafuerte01-blog · 4 years

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It Is Only Impossible if you Don’t Try

IM Cozumel 2019 Race Recap

The hardest part of any story is trying to figure out where to begin. And in this case, do I start where my training began in April 2019 or do we start with race week? Or do you call this story, “A Tale of Two Kilgore’s” because (spoiler alert here) – one Kilgore trained her ass off and woke up at zero dark thirty multiple times throughout her 6 month training and had upwards of 6 hour long brick workouts while the other Kilgore just winged it and finished only an hour and a few minutes after the other. Thinking back, who was the crazier person? The one that invested time, lost sleep and spent a lot of money training, or the one that did next to nothing and still earned the coveted Ironman title? But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Let’s start with race week. Met up with my coach a few days before heading out of town for the race. The good news was there was nothing magical that I needed to know. I already knew it. I had practiced it weeks and months on end. I just needed to execute it. The downside was I was so amped up and just wanted to RACE. My mind was ready. My body was ready. Unfortunately, it was Monday and I still have 6 days to wait. So I rested. Or not really “rested” but went from 1.5 hour swims to 45 minute swim workouts. And reduced my wattage on bike workouts and didn’t run full sprints at the track. So I had 3 workouts to keep me busy, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday leading up to my departure to Mexico on Thursday afternoon.

I was never nervous about the race. I was more nervous about whether or not all my shit would get to Cozumel. If my bikes would make it unscathed. If I would forget anything. Never doing a race of this magnitude, wasn’t sure what I’d need for special needs bike and special needs run. I prepped a collective 10 hours just packing for the race. And still had to pack for the vacation that followed! In thinking back, if I could just have someone pack for me, that would have reduced my stress levels 1,000%.

(Above: all of my OCD packing in action)

I realized during this time there was also no way that 2 bikes and 4 pieces of luggage along with 4 humans would be able to be transported in our Camaro or Altima. People talk about “marathon brain” in terms of forgetfulness during the peak of workouts. Imagine if I woke up the day we flew out and realized we didn’t have the right cars. Thankful that my brain was always in overdrive that last week so that I was able to connect with two amazing friends, Kevin and Jonny, to transport us and our luggage in their Texas sized trucks to and from the airport.

(Above: Thank goodness for friends with trucks!)

I learned the night before that my tri-sister Julianne made a sign to send Joe and I off on our trip. I appreciated her time in making something so badass!

The Flight Out (3 days before the race)

I don’t know how I stumbled upon it but in researching the prior host hotels/resorts and trying to figure out the math for the best flights into either Cozumel or Cancun, I found an American Airlines Vacation package that got us the best flights, direct from DFW to Cozumel with our host resort included. SCORE! Other options included flying to Cancun and schlepping our things on a ferry to Cozumel. More logistics made for a more stressed out Bethany so obviously the direct option was so worthwhile. While waiting for the plane, our gate was taken over by families and participants of the race. Joe joked this would be the fittest flight out that day. We met up with a couple who were being Sherpas for their friend. We also met up with a lady from California (Lilian) who was hoping to PR this race and get a sub 12:00 (she did! 11:50 was her finish time). She was with her two young ones and we were happy all our kids were appeased by electronics as it had already been a long day.

On the plane, Joe ended up switching seats with a family that was separated so the son could sit with his mom. Let’s face it, he needed all the good karma he could get! In doing so, he sat next to an IronFamily – Keith and his wife. Apparently Keith got his canisters confiscated at the airport and wasn’t sure where to buy them. Being the super anal-retentive person I am, I researched and followed every blog and Facebook group related to IM Cozumel and told Joe off-hand during a conversation that if they run out of air canisters at IM Village, we can go to the local tri store called Cabrillas. Joe relayed that info and Keith was super appreciative. It’s like they became best buddies that day. And they were buddies the entire weekend to follow- as not only did Joe sit next to him by sheer luck, but Keith and his family happened to be at the same resort. In the same villa. Exactly two floors directly below us. It’s truly a small world. After arriving in Mexico, we were in a bit of a panic as I found one bike but not the other. We literally were the last family out of customs because of this one bike bag being separated from the pack. And it’s not like customs is fast in any way and on top of that we’re on island time so we waited patiently.

(This is what Cozumel airport looks like when you’re the last one in customs)

On top of it we randomly had to have our bags gone through because that’s what must happen when you’re tired. So when we exited to get to our shuttle that had been waiting now for an hour and ten minutes, we got accosted by a tour group that posed as a front for our van service. After realizing they were selling us a tour package, I kindly said no and headed out to our van, curious if it would even be there. It was. And after hauling everything into the back we loaded in the van and took in the 25 minute drive through downtown to the resort. The downtown area was decked out for the race with welcome signs. The island was crazy busy with taxis and scooters everywhere. I was thankful when we finally arrived at the resort which was away from the hustle and bustle for some authentic, local food and rest. The family got to experience my favorite cochinta pibil and salbutes yucatecos for dinner. We had seconds of each. Dolores was the best waitress by far the entire time at the resort. We filled our bellies and went to bed.

Friday morning, two days before the race

After waking up, Joe and I assembled our bikes. It was then that I realized I left a second flat kit back at the house. If not already familiar, the Kilgore’s have notoriously bad luck at races with flats and spokes but I figured the extra flats I packed would just have to go into my special needs bag and hope I didn’t need a second or third tube before picking up the special needs bag at mile 60 on the route.

We went to IM village that afternoon to pick up our race packets, find our name on the IM wall, take obligatory photos with the Ironman sign, and look about the IM store to buy all the things. But since this was an IM branded race co-sponsored with Adeportes, the items weren’t as plentiful as many IM 70.3 races. And most of it was already picked over. But maybe that was a good thing because we got out cheaper than if all the things were there. We obtained our IM wristband, our timing chip, our race bags, all inside a nice IM Cozumel branded backpack along with a nice race belt. Because Joe is notoriously known for meeting up with random people he doesn’t know, we ran into my FTC teammate Julie Adams and her IronFamily and spoke with them for a while. He had worn his FTC shirt to go to IM Village in hopes to run into someone; it worked.

(Above: Awesome name placement)

While at IM village, my brother Brian arrived so the kids and I walked to meet him. After a brief hello it was about that time that Joe and I had to go to the mandatory athlete briefing. As we waited in the hot sun, we passed it off as “acclimating to the heat” and saw our IronFamily man Keith there. Because it was so hot and Brian just landed, we had him take the kids so they didn’t have to be bored out of their minds. After waiting a half hour or so after the scheduled start for briefing (again, island time) we got into the cool AC building, sat up front, and had a truly enjoyable time meeting our two emcees and announcers for the race. They made a lot of jokes which made for a lighter mood and helped us all feel special for what we were about to embark upon.

SATURDAY (the day before the race!)

I was thankful I spent the 10 hours packing my essentials in advance and took meticulous notes of the contents within (see picture below) because when we picked up our race packets, I essentially just had to place my Ziplock bags into their respective bike, run and special needs bags. Joe and I got up early to ride our bikes to and from the official swim practice site. Our bikes were tuned up before the race by Velofix but of course the derailleur was jostled during the flight so my bike had difficulty getting into my middle gears of my big chain. So I knew after our swim practice I’d need to get in touch with bike tech at the resort. I was excited for the swim and wanted to be able to feel the current that would carry us toward the finish. Unfortunately, my new goggles that I had only swam in 5 times decided to leak during my practice swim. And there wasn’t a kayak or lily pad for me to rest on to fix them. These are the moments you need to know how to handle during the choppy start of a swim start anyway. I pulled off to the side, flutter kicked vertically and tried to adjust my goggles. Still no dice. After doing a lap with my left goggle trickling in sea water, I decided to get out and reset. I did a second quick circle swim and things seemed to be ok. I never got to catch the current and was a bit unnerved that my swim practice wasn’t as great as I expected. But I got the experience of dealing with unfortunate circumstances and kept my cool. And it’s an understated important skill not to over exert yourself during a stressful start of a swim before a long race day.

After getting back to the resort, I was thankful to have an onsite mechanic help with my bike and I was relieved to not have to worry about it as again, team Kilgore usually has issues on race day with their bikes. We still had to transport our bikes and based on our bib number, we were the final group of the day (3:30-5p). So in the meantime we headed into town to shop at some local stores and shop for souvenirs. When we got back to the resort, the family headed to the beach while Joe and I lugged our bikes to drop off at bike check-in. We were the only ones on the bus that picked us up at the resort. We had time to rack the bikes, get a lay of the swim out portion of the race, our changing tents, and familiarize ourselves with our rack location and bike out. Joe and I both lucked out that our bikes were racked in the same group; mine was at the front of the rack coming out of the changing tent – Joe’s was at the very end of the rack. We had a long way to bike out but it didn’t matter – we would just walk our bikes and calm our heart rates to prepare for the long ride ahead of us tomorrow.

There was a bit of an issue getting the free bus ride back from mandatory bike check in. We waited 30 minutes before even being told there were no more shuttles running to the resorts. Apparently the bus we rode in on was the last one running but none of the other 10 people waiting with us was told that information. We met a guy from Cincinnati who graduated from Indian Hill High School- he was there with his wife and they were also doing their first IM race. Also saw Lilian there whom we met at DFW from California doing her 3rd IM. So after a few of us argued a bit with the IM volunteers about the free shuttle service fiasco, the group won out and we were able to get a bus to take us back to the resort. It was a minor blip I thought but to be stranded several miles away with no money to go back was a bit unnerving. Definitely not something I wanted a day before the race.

When we finally returned, we headed out to the beach so I could test out my backup pair of goggles in the ocean. After doing a few laps in front of the resort and snorkeling with the family, we got showered and met up with my friend Gloria for dinner.

Side note: you never know what random acquaintance you have from your past may mean to you many years later. In 1998 I went on a study abroad trip to Merida, Mexico and met up with Gloria Martinez. She was a dance instructor and as part of my cultural studies for 3 months, I learned traditional dances (baile folklorico) and became close friends with her. We stayed in contact, sent each other many letters and mixed tapes, and here we were face to face again after 21 years. It was just amazing. And she would be a MAJOR help and inspiration halfway through the run. I needed her more than I knew. But I’m getting ahead of myself again…..

During dinner Gloria met my family and I got to practice my Spanish while she practiced her English. She gave me a present, a local liquor Xtabentun from the Mayans. I had remembered having this while in Mexico before and it has a unique taste – liquorish and honey. In looking at the bottle we have now at home, apparently Joe really likes it – it’s almost gone! I had my traditional meal before any race, pizza, but wasn’t super hungry. I realized around 9p I needed to get ready to bed and try to sleep. It’s common not to sleep too well before a race. I think I got a solid 5 hours in.

Race morning

I woke up at 4:20a, 5 minutes before my alarm. I was ready. Graduation day was here! We asked the front desk the night before when the shuttles would start running; he said 5:30a. I thought that was late knowing our first transition (T1) opened at 5:15a. Not only that, we had to get to T1 to drop off our special needs bags, set up our shoes and attach our helmets to the bike and check tires for air. And after that had to catch a bus 2.4 miles upward to the swim start. But again, I trusted the information given. So after waking and getting dressed and having breakfast, we get to the bus line early only to find out that there’s a big group there already and the race organizers reduced the busses at our resort from 3 to 2. And the last bus that was coming was the one headed our way – and we were all hoping we’d get on. Some people were angry and hailed cabs. Others just waited (like us) and hoped to get on. It was a full bus but we were able to get on and upon arrival we frantically tossed our special needs bags to volunteers, got our bikes set up with nutrition and water bottles situated. We didn’t top off our tires; we didn’t have time. We just hoped and prayed they’d be ok. We walked hurriedly back to the entrance and waited in a ginormous line to catch the busses to take us to swim start. Met up with Julie from FTC somehow in all the chaos. Again, another issue as we got toward the front, the busses behind us were opening their doors to people waiting behind us so that by the time the busses rolled up, they were full. Participants were angry and the race volunteers were quick to act. We squeezed into a bus already full and took a seat at the very back. I just took deep breaths. Again, logistics are not fun for me and is super stressful when things get out of whack. Minor inconveniences really but seriously nerve-racking before a long day’s event. I ate another sandwich while taking the bus to the swim start. Things were going to be ok. It was then that I realized I had left my UCan back at the hotel. So I was a few hundred calories under what I had hoped but I also packed a backup sandwich and gel in T1. And I had been drinking extra water with electrolytes that morning. I told myself it was going to be ok.

Swim start

Once through the porta pottie line (after realizing they had one for males and females!), Julie and I got on our swim skins, put on Glide and eco-friendly sunscreen (to protect the coral) and tossed our final bag of the day, our morning clothes bag, to the volunteers and headed to our swim start corral. This being a self-seeded start, Joe and I had strategically decided to put ourselves in the 1:20-1:30 grouping. Julie went ahead as she’s a faster swimmer; we wished her luck! Next time I saw her was on the run – more on that later.

I knew I could swim the 2.4 mile distance in one hour and 30 minutes but also knew the current would be helpful. We heard the gun go off for the pros and started snaking around our corral toward the front of the pier. There were drones flying overhead. We waved. We caught up with the guy from Cincinnati and his wife. We congratulated them. Loud music pumping and blaring songs like, “We Will Rock You” by Queen and “Eye of the Tiger.” The pier started to become visible. I saw people tossing small bean bag sized pouches filled with water. People were drinking water and putting water on their heads to cool down. It was 7:40a ish and already warm. Temps were expected to be a real feel of 90 degrees with little cloud cover.

We were a huddled group of people and the sun was blazing. I caught sight of the ocean. It was wavy. Choppy. NOT like anything we had seen the previous days while on the island. This was going to be fun. I kept calm. We were in line with a lady who knew this was our first and saw our watches and told us they only last 14ish hours. Lovely. Again, nothing I can do. I kept fidgeting with my goggles- putting them on and off. Joe told me to keep them off because they would fog up otherwise. And that’s when I realized I forgot to wipe my goggles with the anti-fog cloth. Before I knew it, our group was “walking the plank” to the end of the dock. I placed my goggles on and just like that, I was in the water. I hit the bottom upon jumping in, not realizing it was shallow, so I bounced up and after 8 seconds, realized I had already pressed start on my watch. “It’s go time,” I thought.

The swim with all the people and all the waves could have been worse. I was thankful the swim out to the first of two turns was short. I saw a ton of marine life. There was a sign underwater – I couldn’t stop to read it but later learned it said “If you can think it, you can achieve it.” There were tons of scuba divers watching from the ocean floor. I would have loved to see what that swim looked like from above. I never got kicked or punched like others on the swim. I had people swim up on me but they swam around. I did the same when I came up on others. I kept with a pack. I rarely sighted- when I did, there was a huge wave in my face. I think I only took in one gulp of sea water. At one point I started smiling because I thought my husband was next to me. It took me a while before I noticed it wasn’t him. I swam with a pack of people and kept my pace consistent. I noticed a buoy on my right and thought they were to be on the left so I cut across and in doing so, I caught a nice current. But after a while I lost people. I saw a kayak. I was off on my own and in looking the rest of the group was on the left. So I swam fast to get back with the group. I couldn’t see ahead with the waves but didn’t want to be so far out on the right, despite the awesome current, to not know where I was. I kept up with the pack and found some people to draft off of. I caught sight of a yellow buoy. It didn’t make sense as most of them were orange other than to distinguish that being the half-way point maybe? I never checked my time or distance on the watch while swimming – I just kept swimming. My goggles were pretty fogged up by this point. I got off track again toward the back half of the swim and instead of making a tight turn at the red and final buoy, I instead made a long wide turn to the finish. It’s ok. I was finishing up and was able to climb the steps up and stop the watch. HOLY SHIT! I just had a PR swim: 1:23:51.

I took my coach’s advice coming out of the swim, no running – just walk to the changing tent to calm the heart rate down. I stood for about 15 seconds under a shower to rinse off before going into the women’s changing tent. My goal was to be in and out of the transition tent in 10 minutes. I had played and replayed in my head the things to do while in T1. I ended up doing a full change out from my tri suit and swim skin to bra, bike shorts and a bike top. I had a shower pill towel and a sturdy hand towel to help wipe away any remaining salt. Salt = chafe and I took a squirt bottle (tip courtesy of Jessica Marchi) full of water and sprayed between cracks and bits. Once done, I lightly toweled off an put on my bike shorts with Hoo Ha Ride Glide. I got volunteers to put sunscreen on my body. Slipped on my HR monitor. Ate my backup sandwich and drank my water. I just burned about 600 calories on the swim and needed to top off before setting off to ride. I put on my socks and headed out to my bike. Got my helmet, clipped it on, got my shoes on and walked the long walk to bike out. I checked Joe’s bike rack; his bike was still there. I got nervous. He’s a better swimmer; assumed he got caught up in the changing tent. I figured he’d be right behind me in no time on the bike. Total transition time: 17:02

At the mount line, I was keeping heart rate calm and take it easy. Even a veteran said everyone goes out fast on the first loop. I had written in permanent market on my leg my metrics for the race: 130-140 power, 78-82 cadence, 135 heart rate. I rode out and set off for a comfortable ride.

The Bike

What I was told to do by my coach was to stop every 20 miles and to pee at mile 40 and 80. There were approximately 5 rest stops around the island for the 38ish mile loop. For some strange reason, on my first loop, I decided to hit every single stop and pee at mile 20. I don’t know why I did this but I realized my error after the first lap when I saw Joe. It didn’t make sense that I was coming up on him around mile 46 when his bike was on the rack when I biked out. It took a nanosecond for me to realize my error. In hindsight, that extra 2 minutes per stop was ok; I wanted to take it easy. My HR was averaging 154 and wasn’t budging despite the easy effort. I attributed it to the heat. I also noticed on the first loop my power didn’t seem to be accurate. The day before I noticed this as well and texted the coach; asked if that happened what metric to follow – cadence or HR. Because the course is flat, he suggested both. I kept true to my cadence and only pushed it when I had to make a legal pass or had to back off when someone overtook me. Second loop was faster, I know I pushed it but I felt ok. I ended up grabbing water every 20 miles to top off my bottles and spray myself down (my cooling sleeves, my core, my head). I saw my brother and kids on the second loop of the bike course; got a shout out from someone there who saw my Hotter than Hell jersey and said, “GO TEXAS!” The back half of the island was beautiful. The extra elevation gain was there along with the wind. Thankful I didn’t have to deal with a lot of wind that day and I knew how to climb hills now so I didn’t let the back half deter me. I got to my special needs bag around mile 60 and reset my fuel. Checked my tires, they were ok so I rode on without the extra canisters or tubes placed within.

The final lap is soul sucking. You know what to expect which is a blessing and a curse. The ride through the city was uplifting; you just have to mentally will yourself to the next aide station and hope for some crazy fans out there to support you. Saw my brother and kids again; got the boost I needed but then had the east side of the island with the hill and unrelenting sun. I wanted to take in the scenery, the ocean was beautiful and the blue sea mixed with the blue sky only interrupted by the white ocean spray that crested and crashed into the rocky coast. I noticed the pack was thinning; there was a collective miserable feeling around everyone. I passed someone and he said, “you’re looking strong.” I muttered something back – I don’t know if it was comprehensible. I knew I was coming up on mile 90 and after mile 100 every mile after that would be a distance PR. It was also about this time that I noticed I was getting tired of eating my gels. No worries I told myself- I had packed a glorious PB&J sandwich in my T2 bag. I’d have real food soon. And there’d be more on the run course. I stopped at a final aide station around mile 100 to get more ice and water and sprayed myself down. The first table there had ran out of water bottles so I had to get off the bike and wait for them to get more water to pour into my bottles. The bike course was pretty sparse by then and things picked over. By the time I hit the bike in, I honestly don’t remember anything. I know I was able to get off the bike OK (surprising in and of itself), grab a bottle off my bike and my coach’s bike computer before handing over my bike to a volunteer. Total bike time: 6:49:04.

In the T2 changing tent, I looked around. It looked desolate. I checked the time – I seemed to be doing ok. I asked a volunteer what the local time was. It was early evening – about 4p. I had plenty of time. Did another full change out from bike clothes to run clothes. Chuckled to myself that I was feeling like Beyonce with all of her change of clothes. I was salt crusted and legs were dirty. Took 2 shower pills to clean off. I wanted to clean off to feel better. I wiped my face. I put on my hat, my running shoes, my running belt and grabbed my sandwich and headed out to start the final 26.2 miles of this race. Total time in T2: 19:34.

The Run

I got up and my feet HURT. My arches were super sore. I walked out of the tent and tried to calm my HR down. I felt dizzy. I grabbed water from a volunteer but didn’t feel any better. My watch chimed 30 seconds into the run. What the hell? I had thought I programmed it for a 90 second run and 30 second walk. NOPE. Forgot the last run I had was programmed from my 30 second sprint track workout and 3 minute walk. I attempted to change the intervals but my watch said I couldn’t change while an event was in progress. GRRR. I know what I had to do – this happened at my Houston Marathon where I didn’t have my watch intervals set correctly and had to do it manually – watching the time. It was going to be a long fucking run. While I had PRd my run in Houston that day, this was not going to happen today. It would however keep my mind “busy” and distracted from the feeling I was having while running. Funny because all day I was looking forward to the run and now I was trying to figure out how I was going to continue. Anyone that knows me knows that math isn’t my sweet spot. So my 90:30 run walk intervals weren’t always accurate. I gave myself grace. Didn’t matter. Go by feel. Get some food in you. I tried but my stomach started to heave. I made it 2 miles by this point and needed food ASAP. I recalled that if I couldn’t eat, to at least chew food and spit it out. Even taking food into my mouth made me gag. And my water bottle filled with electrolytes were equally painful to digest. I got dizzy again and tripped and almost fell but by the grace of God caught myself from falling flat on my face. Negative thoughts started creeping in. It was only 2 miles into a 26.2 mile run and I couldn’t eat or drink and was dizzy. I started looking for a medical tent. I never saw one. Honestly – the one time I did see a medic was the last 2-3 miles of my run and by that point, I wasn’t stopping! In looking around, I saw FTC teammate Julie on her run. She was running fast; I was walking. I said hi and she gave me a look that said, “this is miserable.” She was ahead of me and looked strong. Little did I know she crashed on the bike and was bleeding from her knee. She’s a total badass. Was that her first loop? Second? Third? Everyone looked fresh and running fast. I just kept looking at my watch, doing fuzzy math, putting one foot in front of the other.

Along the way, someone asked me if this was a 3 looped course. I said yes. Knowing that, I was near the turnaround by then and felt better for a bit. Around mile 6 or so, a supporter saw me and I guess I looked like death warmed over. He approached me as I walked and said, “Drink the flat Pepsi. Trust me runner. Drink it. And chase it with a lot of water. It will do miracles for you! I know this to be true!” I looked at him and said I can’t keep anything down. I was nervous if I drank it I would get sick. I didn’t want to get sick and get stuck in a medical tent. I just wanted to be done. But I ran off, got to the next table and took the Dixie cup of flat Pepsi and a small water pouch to chase it. It worked. I felt better. The sugar helped. I tried to eat- still nothing. Small bits of food here and there that I chewed and spat out. After the first loop, I felt a bit better.

I saw Gloria on the run while downtown. The crowd was festive. There were still plenty of people on the run. I would be ok. After the cheers of the crowd and the noise subsided, I started working on a game plan. That’s when my Garmin gave me a low battery warning. Shit. Shit shit shit. OK. New plan – focus on food. I saw a table with oranges and bananas and pretzels. I had an orange and it was glorious. Yes. FOOD! Then I got to the banana. Nope. Couldn’t stomach it. I nibbled, chewed and spat a half a banana out. More flat Pepsi and water. Would grab the pretzels on the way back. Realized I had to focus on my run/walk intervals if my watch died before I finished the race. I counted my steps for the run. 336 steps for 90 seconds of running; 26 steps for 30 seconds of rest. I did this several times before I realized running for 90 seconds was too much. My body was too weak. It was getting late and the sun setting. I approached the turn around and looked feverishly for the special needs tent for my bag at mile 13. I had more food in there but didn’t take it. I grabbed my head lamp but in hindsight I didn’t need it. I grabbed my light jacket thinking I would get cold as the night settled in, especially with the wind near the sea wall going back into town. I wrapped the jacket around me and kept running. Then my watch died around mile 14. Not that I was disappointed that I didn’t save my watch during the bike, but that I was running blind. No way to tell if my pace was going super slow or not.

I saw Joe twice on the run; both times it was when I was going the opposite direction back into town to complete my loops. He yelled to me, “You’ll finish – you have plenty of time. You’ll get yours.” I wanted to yell back- maybe I did? I can’t recall. I was in a dark place. You’d think going into town you’d pick up the excitement. Mine was the reverse. I hit my lowest point around miles 17-19. It was at this time that Gloria saw me coming into town and ran with me. She told me I was doing good. That she was proud of me. That I have 2.5 hours to finish one more lap. She was willing to get me anything I needed, do anything for me. I knew it was against IM rules to have someone run and walk beside you but I could not tell her no. Selfishly I needed her. She was my angel and my saving grace those miles. As we approached downtown, I told Gloria that she would not be allowed to run with me or be next to me. Shortly thereafter an IM official came up and told Gloria she needed to let me be. Gloria asked why and she was told the rule and after giving a very mad face to the volunteer, Gloria wished me well.

Being as tired and as dizzy as I was, I just wanted to quit. I felt horrible. I was right in town so if I wanted to quit, I could just walk up to my family and say, “I tried.” At one point I humored myself that I couldn’t quit because I had already bought things that said I was an Ironman at IM Village a few days before. That got me ahead mentally for a half mile or so. But I also just needed to be done. The run was more mental than anything. I had to give myself something to look forward to. Mile 20. That was the new goal. I could get to mile 20 and feel fine, I told myself. More oranges and bananas. I forced a banana down around that time, thinking I could vomit 6 miles and still finish. Still hard to drink my electrolytes so water, water, more water and flat Pepsi when I could stomach it. Spoke briefly to a guy who asked what lap I was on. I said my third. He was on his as well. I told him I was just looking for the damned turn around. He said he was as well. He looked strong and I told him so and wished him well.

There was a group of us that kinda stayed together. We were running and walking around the same pace. We didn’t talk to each other but it was good to know I wasn’t alone out there hurting. I could tell my pace slowed. I didn’t have a damn watch to tell but I knew I couldn’t keep up my pace from before so I ran from cone to cone. Walked the next set of cones. Repeat. When the turnaround came, I knew if I got to a 5k I’d be fine. And I sort of was ok until mile 24.

Seriously those last two miles were insanely hard. I strained to hear the roar of the crowd downtown which sounded a lot quieter. Even the loud band that played continuously for hours seemed to have relocated and moved closer to the finish. I needed something to get me by. I saw kind people on the street giving encouragement, “You’re so close!” “Don’t walk, run!” “You’re going to be an Ironman!” “Go, go, go!” That’s when I looked over and saw a medic on her phone. She wasn’t with anyone – just keeping herself busy. Where the F was she all day? Too late now to stop. Mile 25. Was I now going uphill? How long was this corridor? The band sounded like it was closer now and I could hear a guy on a loudspeaker now. “…..(inaudible name) ... You Are An IRONMAN!”

My thought process went something like this that last 1.2 miles: drink water. Dump all the food you have stuffed in your tri top bra. Fix your hair. Make it look like you didn’t just suffer for god knows however long you’ve been out here. And run like hell when you near the finish chute. I walked a good portion of that last mile just willing my brain to adjust to the new game plan. I inadvertently dropped my water, my lifeline. Damnit! I didn’t want to run with trash in my hand so I jumped a curb and threw it into a trash can and hopped down back onto the course. Ok. Jacket is around my waist and I don’t want it. I’m hot. I can’t toss it. Damnit – just hold it. I see a lady on my right who says, “You’ve got this! It’s just around the corner!” and that’s when I started to run. I mean, run like I meant it. I saw the red carpet and the lights. It was a party scene and I was ready to …… sit the fuck down. But first, that finish line. That glorious finish line. I looked up – did that time say 15 hours and something? I thought I was closer to 16 by my walking pace those last few miles. That gave me a bit of a pep in my step. I put my hand over my mouth – I started to tear up and then I heard, “That’s my sister!” and saw my brother Brian, Gloria, Kaia and my son Kyler with his hand stretched out to high five me. It was a brief second but that moment of seeing their faces and getting that final power boost from my son got me across that finish line.

I heard before I even crossed the finish, “Bethany Kilgore from McKinney, Texas – You are an Ironman!” and then I saw the ramp. A ramp! I had to go up and down that thing and not fall flat on my ass. I was depleted of food, water, electrolytes, and was high on adrenaline so by the time I crossed I walked gingerly across the threshold where some kind man grabbed my arm and guided me through the finisher chute. Total run time: 6:13:01. Total time at finish: 15:02:31.

Through the chute, my kind guide asked me, “Do you want water? Gatorade?” I said no. He said, “I bet you’ll never want another Gatorade for a few months.” I smiled. Then he told me I was going to receive my medal. Medal placed around my head; a few congrats. Ok. More walking. Then he said someone had to get my timing chip. Great. Next he asked if I wanted food. NOOOOO. No food. Ok, so he walked me to get my finisher shirt. I stood in a daze as someone handed me my finisher shirt. I looked around and noticed the line to get my finisher photo. Ugh. I didn’t have the energy to wait. Everyone looked so full of life. I wanted to sit. A nice lady helped me with my things, she fixed my visor which I always wear so low and held all of my sweaty things as I gave a few pained smiles. I saw the rendezvous spot to meet my family. I heard my name and got some hugs. I was super thankful to be done but fell like crap. I thought fresh clothes and sitting would make me feel better. After getting my clothes and changing (which took eternity with tons of foot cramps), I stood up and met my family on a bench. I couldn’t talk without fear of getting sick. I was still dizzy so I wanted to lay down. As soon as I tried to lay down I started dry heaving. Nothing would come but saliva. I knew I was in a bad way so my friend Gloria sought a medic while my brother and kids waited for Joe to finish. I got into a wheel chair and was admitted. It looked like a war zone. People messed up far worse than me. People with EKGs on their chest. Others getting massages from their cramped legs. The guy next to me screaming from his leg cramp getting worked out. I had a nurse come around asking if I was allergic to anything – “just penicillin” I said. She thought it was odd that the three people in bed next to each other were all allergic to penicillin. A nice doctor came over and said I was going to get an IV. A nurse came over and stuck my left arm. Nothing. Stuck my right arm and moved the needle around. Nothing. Had to call over someone else to get to my vein and finally got it in on top of my right hand. I was hot and didn’t want a blanket. I was in my sports bra and shorts that I had changed into along with my Oofos. It took a while to get the fluids in even halfway through and by then I started to get cold. I got an awesome space blanket and neck massage. I strained to hear my husband’s name called but it was busy and loud in the tent. I asked if the medic tent was busy now and the nurse said no, but that it was busy earlier – not enough beds to triage people to get in and get assistance. I got word that Joe crossed and was ok. I was upset that I couldn’t see him cross the finish line but was thankful I felt better at that point. I lulled off to sleep.

The kind doctor that attended to me let me know the medical tent was closing. My fluids weren’t all the way done but I was feeling better. I was thankful to see my family and Gloria waiting outside of the tent. I felt a LOT better. I was eager to shower and go home and sleep. I said my thanks and goodbyes to Gloria and we got a cab. Back at the resort, I told my brother to see if he could get something salty like fries and chips from the late night snack bar. He came back with fries and nachos. I couldn’t eat much but what I did tasted like food for the gods. Brian let Joe and I go to rest; I miraculously had enough energy to take a shower and rinse out all of our bike bottles before laying my head on the pillow. I looked over at the time. 3:25a. Exactly 23 hours of activity that day.

Was it worth it? Yes. It tested everything I had. I learned that Joe crossed about an hour after me with little to no training. And he didn’t need a medical tent. But he ran his race; I ran mine. We did what we each had to do and both became Ironmen that day. It’s been 5 days; I’m hard pressed to want to do this again whereas Joe is eager to go back next year. I’ll happily be his Sherpa!

What I’ve learned throughout this experience is that while this is a challenge of three sports for one person to complete, it’s a necessity to have a village of people that help you get to that finish line.

For everyone that has helped me with any of my training swim, bikes or runs

For the friends that have put up with my insane training schedule and understood that my absence from any social life was temporary (and forgave me when I unintentionally fell asleep at social gatherings when I did go out)

For my daughter who gave me grace when I missed more than half of her soccer games this fall and passed out around 7:30p on the couch during cuddle time

For my son who was patient in getting the adequate drive time in to help him earn his drivers license

Collectively for my kids who allowed their parents to do a race smack dab in the middle of our family vacation

For my coaches who put up with my incessant questions

For my brother’s family for their understanding while they were in the midst of moving into a new home and for my nephew for allowing me to take his dad away on his birthday. I needed my brother’s help post-race and to have fun with the kids while their parents were out doing a silly race

For my dear friend of 20 years Gloria who trekked across the Yucatan Peninsula and took a ferry to Cozumel to cheer me on for 15+ hours

And for my husband who made all the dinners, made all of the post-long weekend workout meals, and kept my insanity in check….

I thank you all.

(Above: my new favorite Christmas ornament next to some of my favorite ornaments: my kids, an old Santa - my grandfather’s who died of cancer, my best friend Lisa and I, and a Mexican sombrero ornament from 1997)

Above: The Kilgore’s enjoying a relaxing day visiting San Gervasio ruins on Cozumel island.... post-race

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consumptive-sphinx · 5 years

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one year ago, I lived in a suburb.

I can’t drive. to get to school, which started at eight, I woke up at 6:15 and left the house at 6:45 to walk half an hour to the nearest bus stop and catch the 7:15 bus to get to school at 7:55. I left school at 2, because one year ago I had a free period, but it didn’t matter because I still had to wait for the 2:55 bus to arrive, and didn’t get home until 4:30. (At least I didn’t get out of school at 3, and then have to wait for the 4:25 bus. Small blessings, right?)

I couldn’t go grocery shopping on my own, because there were four busy public intersections between my house and the grocery store and it wasn’t safe unless I was in a car. the nearest bookstore was an hour away by foot. there was, technically, a restaurant half an hour of walking away from me, but if I wanted to go anywhere I liked I had to beg a ride from someone. the nearest art museum was in San Francisco, an hour and a half of driving away from me.

now, I live in Berlin.

I still can’t drive, but today I went grocery shopping. it took me four minutes to walk to the grocery store. my language classes are ten minutes’ walk away from my apartment, and there are two different restaurants I love within two blocks of me.

tomorrow, I am going to go to an internationally known art museum. it will take me twenty minutes on the S-Bahn, which is seven minutes’ walk from my house. maybe I’ll stop at the bookstore on the way back home from the S-Bahn station, but probably not, because tomorrow is Sunday and stores are closed on Sundays here just like they were back in my suburb. for dinner I’m going to go across the street, because there are restaurants right across the street here. maybe there’ll be a jazz band busking on the train.

I’ll enjoy myself more than I ever did when I had a day to myself in the suburbs.

#is this about ozy's anons? yes #discourse adjacent

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kellyzeagman · 5 years

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Hello from the cruise ship in Singapore!!

What a crazy last few days. I guess I should back track a little bit, even though it might be a little hard because everything has been such a blur. Firstly, the airport in Toronto. Definitely extremely hard to leave. The entire time I was there with my parents I felt like I was having an our of body experience and watching myself from the outside. I had never felt so uneasy about something in my life. Obviously I was so excited to start this new chapter but my nerves definitely took over. I have never lived more than 20 minutes from home, nor have I ever spent more than a month away from friends and family. So, getting on a plane to live on the other side of the world for 5 months was extremely terrifying. I tried my best at not acting like it, but I was definitely feeling it. After I said goodbye to my parents and got through security, pretty much the only thing going through my head for the next hour before getting on the plane was “what the F*** am I doing”. It was 100% the most overwhelming moment i’ve ever experienced. Once it took off, there was obviously no turning back, which changed the game and I had to sit in this new reality for the next 20 hours of travelling. I was doing this whether I liked it or not. I liked the idea of what was about to happen, but wasn’t too fond of leaving. The plane ride to Hong Kong was 15 hours. It was also such a blur. I honestly don’t know how I made time pass by myself. I felt super lucky because I was able to pick an aisle seat online but once I got on the plane, I found out it was right beside the bathroom. I could quite literally lift up my left arm and touch the door. People opened and closed that door for 15 hours straight. I wondered why this aisle seat hadn’t been taken, but now I do :D. But hey, at least I could stick my legs out and always have my own arm rest. I probably only slept for a combined 3 hours, so I don’t know how the other 11 seemed to go by decently quick. Watched a few movies, listened to some podcasts and basically pondered what the hell I was doing and why I was doing it. There were quite a few young children on the plane and a decent amount of crying (bless ear plugs). However, they made up for it because TRULY, there is nothing like a little toddler walking up and down the aisles of a plane to bring everyones mood up and provide a little bit of entertainment and give everyone the feels. Finally, we landed in Hong Kong and I had one hour till my next 4 hour flight to Singapore. I was able to lay down on the sexy airport carpet for a bit and then quickly got on my next flight. I was beyond exhausted and wanted to just pass out as soon as we took off. It wasn’t a busy plane, so there were quite a few empty rows. Part of me didn’t want to be annoying or a bother and lay down across the seats when no one else was, but thank god I did. I would’ve punched myself in the face if I decided to not because it was so worth it and I will never see those people again. Passed out across 4 seats until we landed. Amazing. We landed in Singapore at about 6:30pm. I wanted to store my bags so that I could explore a bit of the INSANE airport. While struggling to carry my 3 heavy luggage items to storage, I managed to completely destroy the “pull up” handle on my suitcase. The handle literally cracked off and snapped out from how heavy my bag was. If I went to pull my suitcase, the handle would completely come out and the suitcase would drop to the floor and I would have a piece of metal with two prongs in my hand. I now have to pull that suitcase using the tiny little leather handle. It is truly horrible and I can’t wait to never touch the suitcase again until March. Anyways, I wanted to go see “The Jewel” at the airport. I’m planning on posting a picture of it at the end of this, but if it doesn’t work, google it because it is crazy. I went there for 7:30 because there was a light show. The Singapore airport is like a different planet. Everything is so futuristic and obviously very expensive. Very much similar to “Crazy Rich Asians”. The Jewel is basically a mall with stores and restaurants, but the middle has been made into an enormous waterfall that falls from the ceiling and the entire space around it has been made into a jungle/forest. I can’t really think of how else to explain it. I was a little bit sad watching the light show and exploring the airport by myself, because everywhere I looked around people were with friends and family and then there was just me by myself. ~Maybe I developed some personal growth~ Anyways, if you’re ever in Singapore- go to the Jewel!! Definitely worth it to go see, and free. I then lugged myself and my broken ass suitcase to catch a taxi to go to the hotel. When I checked in, the guy was like “your roommate has already arrived” I was so confused because I obviously thought I would have the room to myself and was ready to just pass out. Luckily, my roommate also happened to be a youth staff and was starting her 5th contract. I ended up staying up longer than I wanted because I asked her about 100 questions. It was such a relief to get to chat to her about the job and what cruise life is like. And so great that my first friend I made was going to be someone I would be working with. If I had been alone in that hotel room that night I feel like my head would have exploded, so I’m so glad it worked out the way it did. We went to bed at 10:00 and I totally thought I would pass right out until our alarms went off, but i’m silly and have never experienced jet lag before. So basically I think I only slept for 3 hours and just tossed and turned and panicked the rest of the night. When we waited for our shuttle the next morning to take us to the cruise ship there were two other new hire youth staff members waiting outside. This is also their first time working on a cruise ship, which was definitely comforting. I feel like everything just played out perfectly that night and morning which made everything much, much easier. The shuttle to the cruise was about an hour drive, so we got to see some of what Singapore has to offer. Super clean, lots of buildings, seems very rich.

The boat I am working on is currently in a “dry dock” where it is getting a 150 million dollar renovation. The total time in the dry dock will be around 5 weeks, and they are about half way done now. We got dropped off in the shuttle and had to walk our luggage about 400m to where we could enter the ship. It wouldn’t have been that bad if I had a suitcase on 4 wheels like every other sane person. And if it wasn’t 45 degrees. I looked like an absolute fool struggling to wheel my broken suitcase, with a 20lb duffle bag over one shoulder and a backpack over the other. I thought we would walk on the ship on a nice ramp, but because it is in dry dock, that wasn’t the case. We had to lift all of our suitcases up the most narrow 10 stairs i’ve ever seen in my life and pull them across a metal plank that was barely wide enough for any of the luggage. Luckily I’m not afraid of heights, because it was damn high. And not above water. The ship is literally out of water during this dry dock. Can you even picture a cruise ship out of water? It’s crazy. The amount of work and labour going into it is hard to wrap my head around. The first three days have just been filled with a ton of paperwork and training and touring around the bottom of the ship. I can’t believe i’ve not even been here for three full days yet, it feels like it has been a month already. We aren’t allowed on any upper levels that guests would go to because of all of the construction. However, I did get to briefly see a bit of deck 5 which is where one of the main guest areas is and I have no idea how they are going to be finished all of this in time. Literally everything is getting revamped. Everything. There is an unfathomable amount of things to get done still and to clean up. They have hundreds (if not thousands) of people from all over the world working on it on top of the 1,100 cruise staff that are also helping to do things. Everywhere i’ve seen on the ship is a sea of contractors in blue jumpsuits working 24/7. Its a mess, but a good mess.

Starting my contract during the dry dock has been great because there won’t be any guests on the ship until mid October. Everything has been extremely laid back in terms of training because there is not a rush. Myself and the other new hires are also super lucky because we do not have any duties during this time. Mostly everyone else has to be on “fire watch” where you are supposed to supervise a part of the ship for like, 6 hours and make sure a fire doesn’t start. Very glad to not be doing that. So when we aren’t doing training, we can kind of do whatever we want, which mostly involves napping or laying in bed. Jet lag is truly something. I’m in a temporary room right now until I can get placed with another youth staff. The room is a legit shoe box and everything is crammed, but I knew this would be the case. I currently am on a top bunk and cant sit up without bumping my head. It’s tricky to get out and requires some core strength. I’m also living out of my broken suitcase because I don’t want to unpack everything and then have to pack it all up again in a few days when I move. The last two nights i’ve gone to the crew bar where all the staff can drink, apparently some people go every single day, even when they are working. I’m now ready for a chill night in bed after the last 2 days.

It’s crazy how many different people i’ve met from all over the world in just 3 days. I’ve met 3 Canadians so far and one happened to be an engineer from Burlington. I was wearing a mcmaster t-shirt and he came up to chat. Small world. I think there are over 70 different nationalities working on the ship. Talk about a melting pot of culture. The food here is looking like it might be a bit tricky for me as a vegan. It has been the same stuff pretty much every day (pasta, salad, rice, potatoes, peanut butter sandwiches and fruit for me). Apparently the food gets better once it is out of dry dock, so we shall see. I’ll also be able to eat at guest restaurants once they are up and running. Unfortunately/also kind of fortunately, it looks like I wont be having any sweets or desserts until March. I have to make my dark chocolate from home last! It’s going to be so weird (but kind of nice) to not cook or clean any dishes for the next 5 months, though i’ll definitely miss being able to make whatever I want.

Dry dock is looking like its going to be pretty repetitive and similar every day. I’ll have more to share once things get rolling and when we actually start working. I’m already missing the autumn weather that is going to be coming soon at home, it is so unbelievably humid and hot here and is only gonna get more intense. I think tomorrow we are able to get off the ship and go to Marina Bay Sands and Gardens by the Bay at night time.

I’ve posted some pics either above or below this text post of the airport and one panorma of the back on the ship’s view in dry dock. (not supposed to post any pics of anywhere on the ship during the reno)

Cheers

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