11 week bump. 💛
Ignore my face and hair. 😂
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Huge thank you to all of you for supporting me, commenting on my recent post about all things postpartum. You all are fantastic.
I'm certainly feeling encouraged by all of you and am feeling a bit more optimistic. The weather here is beautiful today and so Pep and I got in a nice walk after a visit to our local library. Somehow I've lived in this town for 3.5 years and today was my first visit to the library. Because of COVID, it's appointment-only, but I was easily able to call this morning to make an appointment for this afternoon. I wondered whether they'd be annoyed with me bringing a baby in a stroller, but no one said a word, and of course Pep was a champ and napped happily while I browsed. What a good traveler this one is. On our walk after the library visit, we strolled past a VERY loud wood chipper and some landscapers using leaf blowers... and nothing. Not a care in the world.
Anyway, from the library, I ended up with two things -- Hidden Valley Road by Robert Kolker and Alex Trebek's autobiography, The Answer Is. I cracked open Trebek's autobiography this afternoon -- B is watching the little dude for a while so I can decompress -- and it's so good. I can hear it as if it's in his voice. As much of a Jeopardy lover as I am, I don't really know much about Alex Trebek, so that makes this a really fun read for me.
A few other random tidbits: I was out picking up some essentials the other day and saw this green bathing suit, which I don't hate. Swimwear is so weird to shop for, at least in my opinion, but this one is actually not bad! Seems like a mom-appropriate selection for the boat this summer. ;)
I took inspiration from @losingitinvirginia and popped over to Starbucks for a Salted Caramel Cream Cold Brew today, subbing the cold brew for decaf iced coffee, and it was everything it was promised to be. Sweet and creamy and so good.
The scale however, to be frank, can suck a dick. There's no way I'm back up to 210. I'm not even letting it bother me -- just gonna keep on keeping on and the scale will do what it'll do. I'm realizing the mental stuff needs more immediate attention, and once I'm feeling better mentally, it'll make this physical stuff easier to manage, too.
Very randomly, we had a few deer and some wild turkey in the yard, one of whom I was able to capture in a photo before it scurried off. Love seeing the wildlife out my window. I promise, NY really can be rural & woodsy!
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I hope you can try to remember that you aren't alone right now in terms of your struggles as new mom (but I think you have previously mentioned your in person support system isn't what you would like it to be because of COVID-19) and that people are willing to help you when you are struggling and want help. I am proud of you for speaking up about how you are struggling instead of hiding that you are struggling or not telling your followers and other people about what you are struggling with.
Thanks, anon. In some ways it does seem like it’d be easier just to put a happy face on and pretend that I’m super jazzed all the time and kicking ass at being a new mom. But then that also perpetuates this weird idea that media/social media shoves in our faces that being a new mom is all rainbows and sunshine and everything is just amazing from day one, which just isn’t the case. Life isn’t perfect, ya know?
My in-person support system is certainly suffering because of COVID -- I know my parents and my in-laws especially would have visited far more (and far sooner!) if COVID weren’t in the equation. But B and I also chose to move 2 hours away from our family because of our careers, so I always knew I wouldn’t have family right around the corner. It’s tough, but it’s what we chose, and we won’t always live here. I’m hopeful for the summer, when so many of us will be vaccinated, and it feels much safer to be around friends and family again.
Thank you again for your support! This little community never fails to make me smile.
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3:30 to 4:00 is always time to play the guessing game: How many teenagers are going to show up here hoping for dinner? The answer is between 1 and 5, and my meal planning needs to be pretty flexible.
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[4.14] We have made the decision to send A back to in school instruction for the rest of the year starting next week. His grades are suffering, his sleeping schedule is all out of wack and I’m at the end of my rope here. My life is going to be out of control busy until the end of the school year and I am dreading it, but I will also do anything for my baby. I really hope this is what he needs to get his grades back on track and that as the school opens to 5 day instruction we stay safe from covid. Bye sweet little bubble of safety. 🏫📚
Day 1 Teami Tea Detoxing
[ID: Grape hyacinths blooming inside the rock border of a flower bed, while a substantial number of them are also blooming outside the border in the yard grass.]
Me: WILL yew bastahds Kindeleh bloom INSIDE the bloody flower bed and stop trying to SNEAK OFF across the yard!
Grape Hyacinths: One: NO; two: THPPPPPPBTTTT!
Sometimes I have an adversarial relationship with my plants.
Feeling very warm and kindly toward the bluebells, though.
[ID: clumps of beautiful, sky-blue Virginia bluebells blooming in a clump of bright green foliage.]
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11 weeks today! 💛
Starting to feel less sick all the time which is nice. Wyatt and Eliana love to tickle the baby and give the baby kisses.
Cravings are still steak and loaded mashed potatoes... and that's really about it. I get random little ones here and there but nothing that sticks out really.
Overall, I feel a lot better. And we are soo close to the second trimester which is helping my anxiety levels soo much!
Keep growing, sweet baby. We love you. 💛
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I have been up since 6am when my dog decided to go barking her ass off because of my brother in law knocking on my door...
He called our phones like 20 times but when he got no answer he decided to come bang on our front door. Of course he got no answer it was like the butt crack of friggin' dawn. lol
Thanks to his ass my 2 year old got up too.
After he left, it was clear that Simon (my 2 year old) wasn't going back to sleep so I just got up and started cleaning up my house.
It's now 9:05am and both Simon and the dog are sleeping but my 10 year old is up so I guess in about 45 minutes we'll start his schoolwork for the day.
My other 2 kids are still asleep for the time being but once they are up, we'll get their schoolwork underway too.
Wednesdays are asynchronous days so the kids work on their own instead of being in Zoom meetings with their teachers.
So yesterday I went grocery shopping to get food. I went to Dave's Supermarket and ended up spending almost $300. Ugh!
It's clear that I am going to need a hell of alot of caffeine to get through this damn day. LOL
Waiting on the World...
Do you ever feel like you're stuck in limbo? Just treading water until the rest of the world catches up? Waiting for that next vacation or that big promotion? Or maybe just waiting for the weekend? Yeah, me too. In fact, that's basically been my life lately, and I don't know how to feel about it.
It's no secret that I keep a lot of irons in the fire. I like getting things done. I love new ideas, new challenges, and new victories. And because of that, I get a little carried away at times. My irons get a little too hot, and I get burned out. But I can handle that. I can take some time away, refill my cup, and then get back to it. Unfortunately, there are other times when there's just nothing I can do, no matter how hard I try, to keep the show moving forward. And it's those times—these times—when I can't do anything but wait, that I get the most stressed. But let me be more specific.
First off, my wife and I are planning on moving soon. That means we'll also be selling our house soon, which means there's plenty of repairs, cleaning, and whatnot to do. So it's not like I've been as lazy as I first implied. But there's this FEELING of not doing anything because we have to wait to FIND a house before we can SELL a house. And that ain't easy right now because EVERYONE is looking for a new house. And so, I feel like I'm just waiting, and there's nothing I can do to force that perfect forever home onto the market.
Secondly, I've written a book, but it's not good enough yet (as evidenced by the mountain of publisher's rejection letters), so I've decided to have it professionally edited. The problem is, my editor won't have it done until the end of May. So, once again, I'm waiting. But also once again, I have plenty to do. This past weekend, for example, I edited over twenty thousand words worth of other people's stories. But all of that work didn't even put a dent in the feeling that I'm ignoring the present while I keep my sights on the future.
There are some other things, too. Some things I can't quite talk about yet because they're not finalized. But I'm waiting on them. There's nothing I can do to make them happen faster. I'm waiting. Waiting. Waaaiiiitttinnnnngggg…
Bless my heart. How can I possibly feel like I'm not getting anything done when I'm getting things done CONSTANTLY? How can I feel anxious and helpless about so many things when I have control over almost every aspect of my life? I guess it comes down perception, doesn't it? I could spend a bunch of time talking about mindfulness and prayer and appreciation and living in the present, but you already know all of that. I already know all of that. Unfortunately, knowing is only half the battle. I also know that I'm happier and more energetic when I get a full night's sleep, but that didn't stop me from staying up until 4:00 a.m. Saturday night playing Zelda (oh, like you're so perfect…). I know I have weird dreams when I eat junk food before bed, but I still do it almost every night. I know I shouldn't try to control things that God has firmly in his grasp, but I do it anyway. And that's what this is all about: Control. Holding on too tightly for fear of losing it completely.
Oh. I’m rambling, aren’t I? Sorry about that. I guess I should be thankful. I sat outside all weekend, enjoying gorgeous weather (while I edited stories). My beautiful daughters are happy and healthy. My amazing wife supports me in almost everything I do (even the silly things). I'm surrounded by people who appreciate me and love me and stand up for me. I could go on and on, but like the person with depression who feels alone in a crowded room, our emotions rarely line up with what's actually happening in the real world. And that means it's a "me" problem. An issue to be dealt with through, well, some of that mindfulness and prayer that I mentioned earlier. And I can talk so freely about it because it's really not as bad as I made it sound BECAUSE I've been working it out. But just because I'm aware of it and have a handle on it doesn't mean that it magically goes away. That's the way it is with these things. Everybody has their issues, but not everyone deals with them. For my part, I AM thankful—thankful for a God whose got my back. Thankful for family and friends who look out for me, too. Thankful for a present that ALLOWS me to get excited about the future.
Hey, you know what? I don't think I'm stressed anymore. Turns out that the future and the past are a part of the present. Just because I'm looking forward to things to come doesn't mean I'm not crushing the here and now. In fact, now that we've talked this thing out, I'm not afraid of loosening my grip a little—of letting the future happen in its own time while I live my best life right now. And it feels pretty darned good to let go and let God, as the stupid wall art says. So thanks for listening, y'all. I appreciate ya. And don't worry. You'll be the first to know when the future arrives. ;)
🚨NO EATING AFTER 7pm🚨
TW: postpartum depression
It’s felt like a roller-coaster-y couple kinda days over here. I’ve still been taking Pep on walks around the various local parks on sunny days. B and I bought a puzzle as something to do on rainy days, which we’ve had a few of lately. You can see how much progress we’ve made on it. At this rate the cats are going to hide multiple pieces on us before we get this thing together.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my postpartum experience lately and I just have no idea what’s “normal”, so it’s hard to know if what’s going on with me is normal. Physically, I’m not feeling healed yet. I’m 12.5 weeks out from delivery and I thought I’d be feeling more healed by now. TMI warning... I keep waiting to be able to have sex again and so far, it’s been impossible. Lots of pain and burning still. I actually called my doctor and made an appointment for Friday morning just so she can check me out. I read/hear that some people can get back at it 6 weeks postpartum and I’m twice that, and at this rate it feels like I’ll never be pain-free down there.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about PPD. I think I’ll also ask my doctor about that on Friday. I don’t feel Depressed, but being honest, I have a hard time feeling happy. I look at my life and I look at my beautiful baby and my adoring husband and lovely home and wonderful family and I feel like I have to concentrate on it really hard — too hard — to get myself to feel something deeply. Everything is wonderful, and somehow I don’t feel as happy or fulfilled as I’d imagined. I recognize logically how amazing my life is right now and I just feel like something’s not connecting. Shouldn’t I feel happier? I mean, I’ve always been a naturally upbeat and glass-half-full person. Anyway, I feel like somehow I’m wasting my time off with the baby because of it. I also feel like a burden sometimes to B.. it can’t have been easy to be married to me these past 12 weeks.
To be fair, I also haven’t been as good this past week about treating my body well and making healthy choices. It’s just been hard to make those choices - to eat well and work out and do what I need to do - when I’m struggling mentally. Today I’m making a more concerted effort to take care of myself and though I’m really tired, I think it’s helping. Hopefully after my appointment Friday I’ll have a few answers or at least some clarity about what my next steps are.
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I will be starting my Detox tomorrow (Wednesday) For a Month. With my Teami Tea skinny & Colon cleanse
I can tell that my insides need a clean out before I start on my physical appearance. I’m looking to look this belly weight that I have going on.
I will be bringing you along with my 1 month detoxification.
April 14. - May 14.
It was a beautiful morning, here. I wish I could stretch out this time of year a little longer; it always rushes by so quickly. Daffodils are nearly done blooming.
My teens are the best possible, but sometimes I miss having them little so much my stomach almost hurts. Go back ten years? Oh, man, those days were so good. Back to gradeschool, playing in mud puddles, getting silly and excited over spring coming. Good times.
April 13, 2021
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[4.13] It’s going to be a super long day.
I work until 3:30 with no lunch, so I can leave for our dentist appts at 4, that even with no traffic and leaving at 330 on the dot, we will be late for. I keep telling them to schedule me for 430, I don’t know why this keeps happening. They better not try to call and cancel on me like last time when I’m 10 mins late and literally pulling into the lot.
I woke up, straitened up, tended to my sick betta fish 😔 and now I need to jump in the shower and wash these oils out of my hair before work. I hope the day goes quick and there’s no bad news for A or I at the dentist.
Have a great day friends! ☕️
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I have a lot of muddled thoughts but struggling a little bit to put words to them.
At my appointment with DrS yesterday she essentially said I need to work with her, I need to give her something, if I can’t work with her to keep myself safe on my own then I’m not leaving her with much choice but to put me in. And neither of us want that. So she wrote out a new safety plan and will check in on Thursday to see how things are.
It is complicated. When she asks if I can keep myself safe till I see her next I find it hard to answer. Because can I? I don’t particularly want to. And there lies the problem. I do it because I have to, because people tell me this is what i am supposed to be doing- but I don’t want to. Same with the change in meds. I have a script. I haven’t taken them. Something is stopping me. I don’t understand it. Here is a chance for things to possibly feel a little less rubbish and I am hesitating. Why? T wonders if there is fear of change, a fear of things being better. Or if I am being wilful, not accepting the way things currently are therefore not accepting that things can change.
I don’t know. But they both want me to give the new meds a try. DrS said to give it some time, that if things can feel just a little bit more bearable then it’s a step forward. She tells me that depression is telling me that this is it, that things can’t change, that there is no point. Is she right? Another question I can’t answer.
I don’t know. Again, I am just tired. I miss my toddler, I miss how things were, I miss what we used to have.
DrS reminds me that the girls need me, that I don’t hVe to be perfect, that I just need to be a good enough parent and that is why I have to stay. I needed my mother and sometimes she was there and sometimes she wasn’t and I don’t know if that was worse.
I feel the girls deserve more than I can give them. They need stability I don’t have.
They remind me that I am not my mother, I do not have to be my mother, I can change the story now. My girls don’t have to have the childhood I did.
But what haunts me is that I know she tried her best. She did what she could. That she didn’t mean it. But it wasn’t enough. Or it wasn’t enough for me. And what if I am the same?
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I’m losing my milk supply and I don’t know why or what to do. He is still hungry after I feed him and I’m only pumping like barely 30mls from each breast while literally 2 weeks ago I was getting like 60-90s. What is happening to me?! What did I do wrong?!
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I’m obsessed 😍 and getting so excited. I cannot wait to hold my last little bby, Almost set on a name. This is going to be the going home outfit I think.
But seriously just ready to end this hyperemesis misery 😫
She’s already so precious tho omg 😭🥰
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SUMMER TIME IS APPROACHING MOMMIES...
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