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whatifxwereyou · 3 years

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The Oncoming Storm Part 31: Flowers

Liu Kang x Reader and Kung Lao x Reader (gonna do both, two paths!)

It's time for the CHOICE. You reminisce, finally get the truth of that big memory. Maybe getting a little bit closer to Kung Lao. There's a storm coming and it's time to get ready.

A/N: Wow, the choice is here! I told you it was a weird normal choice haha. I hope you guys enjoy, this has been a blast. Each choice WILL be different enough that the story is still worth reading on both ends. They will have dramatic differences, honestly. Thank you guys so much for reading. This has been such fun.

Schedule change: The Oncoming Storm will diverge into two separate stories here- Firestorm and Lightning. Lightning updates on Monday and Firestorm on Friday. I have a few new stories in the works too so this will give me more time to plan and write. It's only one less day posting, honestly.

Part 30 Lightning Part 1 (Kung Lao) Firestorm Part 1 (Liu Kang) Volcanic Charge Part 1 (Both) Chapter Index

You tried to rest, you really did, but you were having a hard time being alone with only your thoughts for company. For some time, you sat at your desk and tried to read but you couldn’t focus on the notes. Plus, you had terrible handwriting. Liu Kang had been right. You wound up, instead, playing with the flower that rested nearby. You decided you’d cherish it a little bit longer before finding a way to press it and keep it preserved.

Sitting still was torture so you decided to take a walk. A short walk. You didn’t even bother putting on your shoes to try and discourage from going too far. Twisting the stem of the flower in your hand, you walked until you realized you’d gone much further than intended. Oh well. You weren’t pushing yourself too hard. You’d needed a change of scenery and fresh air, that was all. You found a balcony nearby and took a seat near the edge so you could watch the world across the ravine.

It was beautiful.

You twisted the flower between your fingers, admiring the purple petals. It was a small and frail thing. Small but also a sweet reminder of things long past. Those memories were so far from you now in your adult life that it was more like remembering pages from a book rather than scenes from your own history. The story, as distant as it was, was still precious to you.

Memory was a funny thing.

You’d replayed that day over and over in your mind for years after it had happened.

Your grandma had a love-hate relationship with Kung Lao at the time. She’d loved that you had a friend but had hated that the boy had been so rebellious. Your grandma had said things like ‘when you married that boy’. Once, on her deathbed, grandma had asked if you were still with Kung Lao. You’d told her yes because it had made grandma happy.

Your grandmother had always called you sensitive because of your visions, you supposed. You always had the distinct feeling that she’d known more about what was happening to you than anyone else had.

Back then the word sensitive had felt like an insult.

As an adult, you understood that it just wasn’t that simple. Grandma had always loved you even as sensitive as you were. Your mother and father had never been able to look you in the eye after it had begun. You had no doubt that they loved you, but it had been different. At nine years old that had been a lot to process. You would probably benefit from therapy but the monks in Raiden’s Temple were such gossips you were certain you’d have to outsource.

The flower spun above your fingers, and you held your other hand around it to protect it from the wind.

You were out of breath as you chased Kung Lao up the hillside through the thick and overgrown brush between the trees. He was almost constantly just far enough away from you that you couldn’t seem to catch up. Your legs were wobbly, fingers going numb, lips tingling.

Yesterday had been a mess.

You’d fallen in the kitchen while having a fit and had hit the back of your head on the counter. Grandma had taken care of you, but you’d still felt sick that morning. Then Kung Lao had wanted to see you. You’d fought with grandma about it. You begged and pled. After having such a bad day you’d only wanted to spend time with Kung Lao and feel normal.

But then Kung Lao had been funny all day.

He was even a little mean. You wondered what you had done wrong.

“Keep up, weirdo!” He’d called back to you teasingly and you nearly stopped in your tracks. He had never once before called you any of the awful names that the other kids in town had called you. To hear the insult from his lips was jarring, so much so that you thought you’d heard him wrong or imagined it.

“I need a minute! You have to slow down!” You called to him while you caught your breath. You leaned against the tree nearest you and gasped. Your heart felt like it was going to burst, and your mouth kept filling with sick spit. You were uncomfortable. Grandma had made you promise to take it easy. You were going to get in so much trouble if grandma found out that you were running through the woods that far from home.

Kung Lao reappeared through the trees, and he was smiling but still not himself. “What? Are you weak, Y/N? Gonna fall over? Can’t even make it up a little hill?”

“You’re being a jerk.” You coughed and his expression changed, but only briefly. He then turned away from you.

“Keep up, weirdo!”

“Don’t call me that!” The names stung. He’d never hinted that he’d believed those things about you so why was he saying them now? He’d been adamantly against the other kids giving you a hard time because you were different. Now there he was doing the same. Something was wrong but you didn’t understand what. Kung Lao was always difficult to understand when he was acting funny. He kept secrets.

You ran to catch up with him, stumbled over a loose stone, and then fell. You caught yourself in the dirt but hit hard. Your palms scraped against the ground and so did your knees. You sat there panicked and not breathing. Not because it’d hurt. You’d gotten good at handling pain over the past year. It was because you were bleeding and that had become a problem. When you bled, you just kept bleeding instead of healing. You were going to be in so, so much trouble when you got back to Grandma’s.

“You’re too slow, weirdo!”

Your eyes filled with tears.

This had to be a bad dream. Kung Lao would never treat you like this. You got up and watched the blood drip over your torn tights and then ran back through the trees toward your grandma’s farm. You didn’t want to hear those horrible words in his voice anymore. You’d had enough. Everywhere you went they called you terrible names or looked at you like you didn’t belong.

The only place that you had ever felt like you belonged was with Kung Lao and today he had made you feel like everyone else had.

An alien.

A freak.

The farm came into view and so you stopped at the tree line. If you went back, then grandma was going to be upset with you. She wouldn’t yell but she would be disappointed which was worse. Then you wouldn’t be allowed to watch television. It would be just you and the studies left behind by the tutor that came during the week to help you keep up with your education.

You took off your shoes and your tights, then replaced your shoes before using the tights to wipe the blood from your knees and your palms. The blood was quickly replaced. You leaned against one of the trees, hiding behind the bushes in a place where you had often snuck away to read or hide from your family.

The last time that you’d fallen, you’d skinned your elbow and it had gotten terribly infected. You’d been sick for weeks. Your parents had been so upset that you’d felt like you’d broken a rule just because you’d fallen on the way to the doctor. They’d reassured you that it was an accident but the disappointment that radiated from them when they looked at you spoke differently.

Grandma had never once blamed you for the things you couldn’t control. But this had been in your control. You knew that Kung Lao had been pushing you too hard, but you also hadn’t told him how sick you had been that morning and the night before. This was your fault. You should have told him that you weren’t up to the task of hiking wherever he had been dragging you. He’d said it had been a beautiful surprise.

The trip had been a surprise, alright, but not in the way that you had hoped it would be. It felt like a nightmare.

You hadn’t meant to fall! You’d been winded and now your hands and knees were scraped, and you’d be in trouble. Your tights were ruined too. Grandma had threatened to wrap you up in a bubble wrap before sending you off to play with ‘that boy’ and now you wondered if you’d ever be allowed outside to play with him again.

He’d called you names.

For the first time ever.

He’d called you those awful names that the other kids called you.

Tears dripped down your cheeks, your nose was plugged up and you sniffled, burying your face in your arms as you pulled your knees closer to your chest. You cried. You didn’t cry much those days, not anymore. When you’d first gotten sick, you’d cried all the time. Now you reserved your tears for hiding in your closet where no one would see. Your dad would get angry when you cried, something you’d never wanted.

Now you hid your tears.

Footsteps crunched on the grass and leaves beside you, and you wiped your eyes furiously to hide your tears but you was too stuffed up to do it well. Kung Lao sat next to you in silence, arms folded against his knees, watching you. You sniffled and frowned, trying to look mad but you weren’t sure it was actually working.

“We better get you cleaned up or you’re going to get in trouble again.” Kung Lao poked the side of your knee, and you scooted an inch away from him. He scooted with you.

“I don’t need your help.” You held your destroyed tights over your bloody knees to keep them from dipping down your leg. The scrapes weren’t that bad, they just seemed to bleed more than everyone else’s scrapes did.

“Well, it’s my fault.”

“Just leave me alone, Kung Lao.” You tried to shoo him away and he tried to pull the tights away from your knees so that he could take a look. “Stop it.”

He pouted and crossed his legs, hands at his ankles as he rocked forward and then back, letting his hands catch him as he leaned back. “I’m sorry.”

“Go away.”

“I know that those names are mean. I wasn’t thinking. You never react to them when anyone calls you them. They don’t seem to bother you.” He shrugged, looking off to the side as if embarrassed. You relaxed a little bit. “I don’t think I realized how mean it was until I saw how hurt you were just now.”

You sniffled.

“I’m dumb sometimes.” He slumped his shoulders. “You always act so strong. I didn’t think it’d hurt.”

You were used to being called mean names by others but coming from him it had hurt. You were only strong when you heard those names because their opinion of you hadn’t mattered. Kung Lao’s did.

“Can I help?”

“Yeah, I guess.” You sighed. Kung Lao jumped to his feet.

“I’ll go get some bandages!”

“Okay.” You wouldn’t fight him. He ran off, presumably to climb through your bedroom window and get the bandages that were kept on your side table. You wiped your eyes and willed away your upset. Kung Lao often acted before he thought. At least he’d apologized even if it had still hurt your feelings. You were, admittedly, sensitive after the night you’d had.

It didn’t take him long to return. Together you cleaned the scrapes with the little wipes that your grandma had bought and then Kung Lao placed little sticky bandages on your knees. It was sloppy and not how you would have done it, but it was sweet of him to try. Together you wrapped your palms with gauze and he did a much better job with that.

“Grandma is probably going to notice.”

“I don’t know. Your grandma doesn’t see very well. She doesn’t even notice when I’m in your room half the time.”

“Yeah, even so, mom’s going to notice when she visits tomorrow.” He wasn’t wrong. Grandma didn’t have the best eyes. Even with her glasses she struggled to read instructions and usually asked you to do it. But your mom noticed when you had so much as a loose thread on your dress or if your hair was even a little messy.

“You can blame it on me.” Kung Lao grinned. “That way you won’t get in trouble.”

“Mom already doesn’t like you.”

“What? Why not?”

“She thinks you’re a bad influence.”

“I could see that.” Kung Lao laughed.

“I won’t be allowed to see you anymore if I blame it on you. I’d rather just get into trouble for falling.” You picked up your tights. You’d get in trouble for that too. Your mom would go on and on about how money didn’t grow on trees. You’d never liked tights anyway. Besides that, your parents never seemed to be happy with you anymore anyway. What was a little extra trouble?

Kung Lao stood and offered you his hand. You took it and got to your feet. Together you made your way the short distance back to the farmhouse. A fence surrounded the old field behind it that your grandma hadn’t tended to in years. It was overgrown with weeds mostly now.

“When are you going to be allowed to go back home?”

“When I’m better.” That was what your parents had said every time you asked.

“You should just lie and say that you’re better then! Then we can play in town. This is a long walk for me.”

You laughed and climbed beneath the gap in the fence. You had wasted most of the afternoon and if you didn’t get back inside before dark then you were going to get in trouble for that too. You were pretty sure that you were already going to get in trouble. You weren’t a good liar. Every time you tried, you stuttered and got nervous and wound up giving yourself away so you didn’t really try anymore. Except for when it came to lying about if you were okay or not. You’d gotten good at pretending that you weren’t upset when you were.

“I have to go home, Kung Lao.” You waved to him and turned away.

“Wait, Y/N!” He called to you. You hurried back to the fence that he was leaning against, arms folded.

“What?”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a battered purple flower. Then he offered it to you, averting his eyes and looking shy for maybe the first time you’d ever seen. You stared at the flower in surprise. You’d seen that kind of flower before, but they were mostly red or white. You’d never see it purple before.

“It’s why I wanted you to follow me.” He shrugged and his cheeks were redder than you’d noticed before. Maybe from their afternoon of sunshine or maybe because he was embarrassed. Why was he embarrassed? “I found them the other day and they reminded me of you. I wanted you to see them. Then I was a jerk and you ran away instead so… I brought one back for you.”

You didn’t know what to say. Had he been mean because he’d been embarrassed to do something so sweet? You didn’t know what any of it meant but it was cute to see him acting this way. He was usually so confident.

“You’re terrible.” Was what you went with. He laughed. “Making fun of me just to do something sweet.”

“Yeah, I am pretty terrible.” He beamed, back to his old self just like that. You took the flower from him and twisted the stem between your fingers. It was crumpled up from being in his pocket but it was still special and beautiful. You decided that you’d hide it. Your grandma wouldn’t let you keep it after it died, and you wanted to keep it forever.

“Thank you, Kung Lao.” You smiled and then used the fence to lean up to his height and give him a kiss on the cheek like you’d seen girls do in movies. You’d never done that before to anyone but your mom, sister, and grandma. His face turned beat red and you took a step back, holding the flower close to your chest. He grinned from ear to ear. “I have to go! Goodbye, Kung Lao!”

“Consider lying so that you can come back to town!” He shouted after you and you laughed before returning to your grandma’s house.

You twisted the stem of the flower in your hand just as you had done as a child. There had been so much of that day that you’d forgotten. It wasn’t like you sat in the memory all the time. That next day your mom had come to visit and had brought the terrible news that Kung Lao had died.

You’d been heartbroken, or that was the word that your grandma had used to defend you when your mom had told you to grow up. You hadn’t understood the notion of heartbreak at that age.

That had been what it was though. Heartbreak. Grandma had known your heart better than you ever had.

After that you’d refused to date for a long time. When you turned sixteen your mother had begun to set you up with boys from town or from neighboring towns. You’d fought with your mom about it every time and had reluctantly gone on the dates but had made it clear you weren’t interested. Your mom had told you that Kung Lao was dead and your idea of him was going to keep all other men out of your life. You’d never become a wife or a mother at that rate. You’d fought that wasn’t true or fair to accuse you of. But in the same breath you’d sabotaged every relationship you’d ever had. Your mom hadn’t been completely wrong.

You had ruined every chance at marriage that you’d had until you and your mother had become so estranged that by the time that she’d died you had barely spoken. Your father had stopped talking to you long before then outside of pleasantries around the holidays and only because your sister forced him to be polite.

Every relationship that you’d had outside of your mother’s meddling had ended with you being unable to commit. You’d never liked the idea of becoming a housewife and that was what most men that you met had wanted. You probably hadn’t given them the proper chance to prove that you’d be more than that either, though. Your older sister had settled down with a nice man from the neighboring town and had a daughter. This had continued her long running streak of being the family favorite.

You were okay with that.

Your sister had never been mean to you. In fact, she had only ever defended you. You hoped that she was doing okay. You’d been close. It had probably crushed her to think that you had died.

“Y/N? Are you okay?”

You turned very suddenly at the sound of Kung Lao’s voice, eyes wide and panicked. It was jarring to hear the voice of another person after being so lost in your memories.

“I’ve been standing here for like five minutes. You didn’t notice?” He was leaning against the wall of the entryway to the balcony. You felt your heart slamming in your chest. He was alive and that was still wild to you sometimes. You tried to hide the flower like a moron, like you hadn’t been mooning over your memories of him. It was too late for that. Kung Lao sat next to you. “I broke into your room when no one answered. Sorry.” He grinned and it was that same grin that a much younger him had worn after you’d kissed his cheek. “You were gone so I checked the infirmary, and you weren’t there either. That one monk, your friend, said that she’d left you earlier in the day and wasn’t your keeper. I don’t think she likes me much.”

“Chen.” You offered him her name. “I heard that you were very annoying while I was unconscious so that’s probably why she was snippy at you.”

“Well, you were unconscious for three days and I wanted to see you even if you couldn’t respond to me.” He puffed up his cheeks and pouted as he turned his gaze. You smiled and looked back down on the flower that you had hidden just beneath the hanfu you’d put on.

“Thank you for checking in on me so much. It’s sweet.”

“It’s not sweet. Purely selfish.”

“It’s sweet.” You repeated.

Kung Lao pulled the cloth away from where you’d hidden the flower and carefully took the stem from your fingertips. As you had suspected, there had been no point in hiding it.

“Wilting, huh?” He turned it over in his hands.

“Yeah, that’s what flowers do.” You shrugged and watched the ravine as he studied the flower. “Their beauty fades.”

“Yeah, I suppose.” Kung Lao rested it in his palm carefully, as if worried that he would crush it. You sat silently watching the ravine. “I would fill your room with flowers if it meant that you would be okay.”

You looked to him in surprise and then at the wilted flower in his palm. Your eyes burned with the threat of tears, and you fought them.

“I like having just the one.” You smiled. He cocked a curious eyebrow. “It makes it special. Only one. And the memory of the other.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He offered you the flower and you took it carefully. “Do you remember that day?”

“Every second of it.”

“You were my first kiss.” He grinned.

“Well, technically it was only a kiss on the cheek, Lao.”

“It counted. To me it counted.” He looked too proud of it to argue with him. How could you? It was incredibly sweet. You gently nudged him. “Are you okay?” He asked, his voice a bit more serious, a rare thing that you both treasured and feared.

“Yeah. I’m sore and tired.” You averted your gaze.

“And…?”

“A little scared.”

“Yeah, I figured as much.”

“Are you okay?”

“Well, that was terrifying, and you almost murdered us.” He considered and you snapped your head to him in alarm. He was smiling, even if there was still sadness behind his eyes. “Watching you struggle with this is all too familiar. I’m just glad that you’re okay now. Feeling more determined than ever.”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah.” Kung Lao stood and offered his hand and you felt your heart skip a beat. This really was far too familiar. “Come eat with me. You haven’t had real food in days.”

“I’m not really hungry.”

“Three days, Y/N!”

“I was unconscious and on an IV.”

“Come eat with me anyway. Maybe Liu will join us!” Kung Lao took your hand and you reluctantly let him and got to your feet. You avoided his eyes as they studied you. “Liu’s fine, Y/N. It’s just a scrape.”

“I was covered in blood, but whatever you say.” You tucked the flower within the folds of your hanfu. “We can go get food but I’m not hungry.”

“Let’s go.” He held your hand for a time as you walked but after a few minutes he seemed to become aware that he was holding it and let go. Then he shoved his hands instead in his pockets. Your feet were sore without your shoes, and you were tired by the time you made it downstairs to the dining area. He helped you grab a plate filled with food and you found a spot across from each other at one of the long tables. You mostly poked around at your food. Kung Lao filled the silence, as he often did, telling you stories about shenanigans that he and Liu Kang had gotten into as teenagers. He spoke so animatedly that you would have smiled no matter what kind of story he was telling you.

You poked at the eggroll on your plate with your chopstick and then pushed a few vegetables aside. Nothing looked appetizing and your stomach was sour.

“You’re not eating.” He pointed to you with his chopsticks, mouth full.

“Oh?” You didn’t think that he’d been paying attention. “I did say several times that I wasn’t hungry.”

“You should eat.” He spoke between bites. “And you shouldn’t worry so much. It’s going to be okay.” He picked up the eggroll from your plate and took a bite out of it with a grin. “If you aren’t going to eat it, then I am.”

“Hey!” You swatted at his hand with your chopsticks, and he stole a mushroom from your plate before eating it with a smirk. A few other monks came to join you but sat tables away from you to avoid conversation. You ignored them but could feel them looking at you every so often before conversing. Chen hadn’t been kidding. This really was far too familiar. You ignored them and you chatted casually before Kung Lao walked you back to your room.

He looked like he wanted to say something before he left but instead, he gave you a hug and promised to see you the next day.

Days past and while you hadn’t see Liu Kang even once since you’d woken up you were getting used to seeing Kung Lao and spending most of your days with him. Even so, you were worried about Liu Kang. Kung Lao had reassured you that he was just busy but you couldn’t help it. Your brain was mean.

On the fourth day after you had woken up, the temple was buzzing with excitement. The remnants of a strong typhoon would be hitting around nightfall. It would go on for a few days. You spent much of that day helping the monks prepare for the big storm. By nighttime you were all to be safely inside because of the lightning and the rain.

In the infirmary, you helped put away the last of the extra supplies they’d gotten with word of the storm. Then you helped the monks that were near the main entrance to the temple, making sure that everything was put away and secure. It felt good to be of use and while every so often someone would whisper about you, they were also kind to you.

Thunder rumbled in the distance as evening approached. It sent chills down your spine. This would be the first storm you’d seen since coming to Raiden’s Temple. It would be a doozy.

You loved what most people would consider gloomy weather. Maybe it was because so many people disliked it that you were happy to see it. No matter the reason, you were excited. You’d been drawn to bad weather like a moth to every light it came across.

Back home you would sit on the patio of your dojo and watch the rain and listen to the thunder until the lightning got too close and dangerous. You missed that.

You should have probably found a safe place to watch the storm from but the view from the front of the temple would be unbeatable. After a few days rest you were feeling more yourself and decided that watching the storm would be a treat.

Now you just had to decide where to watch it from.

The front of the temple? (Liu Kang)

Or somewhere safer inside? (Kung Lao)

You run into Chen (Both)

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amethystroselilith · 3 years

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Intertwined Fates (Chilumi/Zhonglumi) - Chapter 2

Uni is hell .-.

Also if you see any mistakes, please don't be shy to point them out so I can correct them haha, I'm might've missed them even with rereading rip

Can be read in ao3 here

SUMMARY: As an unexpected event happened, Lumine had to decide if she’s really ready to step forward and officially leave the past.

“Lumine, I thought you were going to bring the Tartaglia boy.” her mother sighed in disappointment as soon as Zhongli left, crossing her arms as she leaned back on their sofa, expensive wine in hand.

“Mother, must you be so rude?” Lumine can’t help but glare at her mother.

“How was I rude, dear? I was just getting to know him.” her mother smirked, “What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t see the type of man my only daughter is dating?”

“You weren’t getting to know him, you were judging his financial situation.” Lumine frowned, “And if that wasn’t enough, you pried about his family history, which is a very insensitive thing to do.”

Her mother rolled her eyes, “You’re dating a man who had criminals for parents, is that really how you want your future to be? What would your aunts and uncles say when they find out about this? Do you know how bad our family will look?”

Lumine huffed, fully knowing well that her mother isn’t talking about their actual relatives but instead the pretentious and arrogant friends she has.

Her mother was an only child of a rich family, her father one of several siblings of a poor fisherman. Her mother was spoiled, getting all the things she demanded, while her father had to work for several days to get a decent meal once in a while.

Her father, however, never gave up on his dreams; to live happily with his own family. So he worked and worked until he earned a high paying job. He now wanted a family, but unfortunately for him, he fell for her mother. So hard he couldn’t see he was manipulated. He didn’t notice her slowly pushing his own family away, he didn’t notice her slowly changing him, he didn’t notice her leading him into a loveless marriage.

When the twins were born, her father was over the moon, her mother wasn’t too exactly fond of motherhood, but she didn’t mind the attention she got. Though that was until the twins were in the toddler stage, their mother wasn’t interested anymore when there’s no one to impress, so they were usually left with their nanny. While their father always tried to be with them, their mother would always nag about him missing work for unnecessary things. Their mother always had her fingers wrapped around their father, and when their father finally realised how he’s being controlled, it was way too late. He loves his children more than anything, so glad that his twins didn’t grow up like their mother, and he has their nanny to thank for that, a kind old woman with a big heart who never had children of her own.

The twins had always felt sorry for their father ever since they’re aware of how things are going between their parents. They may play the happy and perfect couple, but they can see the sadness in their father's eyes and how he’s just going through the motion for the sake of keeping the family intact.

“Didn’t Dad come from a poor family as well? And Zhongli didn’t grow up with those parents, he took the courage and left with Xiao so they can have a better future.” Lumine said, fondness in her heart with how much she admired her boyfriend’s bravery and love for his family.

“Your father was already raking in good money when I met him, and while I still don’t like talking about his past with everyone, I think being a peasant’s child is better than a criminal’s.” her mother sneered, “He’s taking advantage of you that’s for sure.”

Lumine bit back a reply for her having the audacity to talk about taking advantages, but she chose to defend her lover instead, “Zhongli is the most hardworking and selfless man I’ve met.”

“Isn’t Ajax as well?” her mother raised an eyebrow, “With his money, he’s pretty much the perfect man for you, for our family, and aren’t you great friends with him already?”

“Ajax is different.” Lumine argued, “I love him and believe he’s an amazing man even without his money, but we just don’t think about each other that way.”

Her mother rolled her eyes before standing up, “Love isn’t always going to give you a roof under your head, Lumine.” she snickered before walking to her daughter, grabbing her face and making her look straight into her eyes,

“Now, dear, unless you’re seeing Ajax or someone on our level, you’re dead to me.”

Lumine could still remember the malice in her mother’s voice.

Could still remember her horrified shriek from the phone when she called her parents to inform of her engagement.

Could still remember being walked by Ningguang and Beidou instead, the parent figures of Zhongli and Xiao, during her wedding.

Could still remember never getting any allowance from them again.

Lumine remembered how bad she felt when Aether’s was cut as well, but her twin never held it against her, choosing instead to work hard with her in the starting bakery like they’ve always dreamt of building together.

She remembered it all.

What she doesn’t remember though is her mother being so warm and happy as she played with her child.

“Grama and Grandpa bought you lots of gifts, sweetie, would you like to open it together?” her mother cooed as she tickled Qiqi.

“Yes please!” Qiqi laughed before staring at awe when her grandmother brought the first present in front of them.

A bitter feeling still lingers in Lumine’s heart as she watches them.

“Ah, no one can replace my children’s pastries.” her father sighed contentedly as he took a bite from the desert.

Lumine’s heart warmed as she turned to her father, a huge grin on her face, “I see you’re still our number 1 fan.” she said before leaning against her father’s shoulder.

It was more than a month ago when they reunited with their parents.

Almost the same timeline when Lumine and Ajax publicly announced their relationship.

It was a huge shock to the twins seeing their parents in front of their bakery. Lumine wanted to scream at the woman who disowned them, the woman who probably manipulated her father to do the same.

Aether was the one who controlled the situation, calmly taking them at the private room of the bakery to talk.

Her mother started talking about how she regrets everything she did, how cold it was to cut them off like that.

Though they can see the insincerity in her eyes, they agreed to fix their family when they saw how horrible their father’s condition is, not physically but mentally. He looked so drained and tired of everything. The twins can’t help but shudder at the thought of what might’ve happened if they never reunited.

They can remember how their father broke down to them that day, how he regrets not fighting for them.

Thankfully, their father is doing better now, especially upon meeting Qiqi. Oh how elated the twins were that day, they haven’t heard or seen their father that happy in a long while.

Their mother didn’t share the same excitement, but the twins were shocked when she voluntarily interacted with Qiqi. She knows that Qiqi is Zhongli’s, but she doesn’t seem to care who her birth father is as long as the current father standing is someone she likes.

Ajax knew about Lumine’s family as Lumine had opened up to them before, though she skipped the part about how her mother wanted her to be with Ajax. While he’s as uncomfortable as Lumine when Qiqi’s near someone as horrible as her, they just agree that they’ll do it for the sake of her father, and never to leave Qiqi alone with her.

Their visit was expected, her mother called Ajax a week before to inform them. The fact that her mother is so fond of Ajax just confirms Lumine’s suspicions on why she’s back in her life, and while it greatly disgusts Lumine, she couldn’t kick her out of her life again when her father talks about how her mother seems to be happier at home which means they’ve been fighting less. There was hope in her father’s eyes, so bright that Lumine doesn’t have the heart to tell him that she’s probably at ease now because her children are seeing someone she finally approves of; Lumine with Ajax, and Aether with Keqing, a powerful businesswoman. The twins decided to let it go, seeing as her mother is only concerned about who they’re seeing and as far as they’re concerned they don’t see themselves dating anyone else.

“And I’m glad no one has replaced me.” her father smiled and the happiness in his eyes sent a warm glow in Lumine’s chest. “Ah, Ajax, everything good at work?” he greeted Ajax as the ginger entered the living room.

“Yeah, they just needed to go by something to me. I’m sorry about earlier, Sir and Madam.” Ajax smiled sheepishly before sitting next to Lumine, giving the blonde a soft kiss in the forehead when she instinctively leaned against him.

Her mother couldn’t be more delighted, “Oh, Ajax, honey, we’re family now, call us Mom and Dad.” she giggled from the floor with Qiqi, who was in awe with the new cooking play set she received.

“That’s right, son, I can see how amazing you’re treating my daughter and granddaughter well.” her father smiled.

Ajax beamed, “Well, I just want the best for my family.” he grinned.

“Such a perfect man for my daughter.” the woman sighed in awe before gently moving Qiqi off from her lap, “Excuse me, sweetie, grandma just need to stretch her legs.” the young girl nodded too interested with her new toys.

Her father began talking about business-related topics with Ajax while her mother began roaming around the living room, probably judging how Lumine decorated their home. Lumine stopped watching her from the corner of her eyes when Qiqi decided that she’s going to be her first customer as she started bringing a plate of food toys to her from her playset.

It was relaxing for a while; Lumine’s father and Ajax had begun talking about fishing, her mother asking about the photos decorated in the living room, Lumine answering her and at the same time humouring Qiqi’s imagination.

It was pretty domestic and calming and Lumine finds it really comforting.

“Oh, wow!” her mother exclaimed, making all of them turn to her, an opened little velvet box on her hand.

Lumine felt Ajax tense up, “W-Wait-”

It made them all curious to what her mother was holding, and then it hit her. Her mother was only a few feet from them, making them clearly see the point of interest.

“Oh, oops!” her mother gave them a sheepish look, “I didn’t think I’d be seeing an engagement ring this early.” she released an awkward chuckle before closing the box.

Lumine was frozen, and Ajax was panicking internally before standing up and gently taking the box from her mother, “I… uhm…” he stuttered.

“Engagement ring?” Qiqi’s curious voice perked up, “What’s that?”

“Ah, it’s what a person gives it to someone they want to marry, dear.” her mother smiled, clearly excited with the idea of Lumine marrying Ajax, “It means your Papa wants to marry your Mama!” she grinned mischievously, to hell with them not being ready, she needs something to brag to her friends as soon as possible, and what better to brag than your daughter marrying someone as powerful?

She just can’t let Lumine pass this opportunity.

“Marry?” Qiqi’s mind trying to make sense of her grandmother’s excitement.

“It means you’ll officially be a family and you’ll get some playmates soon!” she smirked when Qiqi’s eyes widened with excitement.

"Playmates. Mama, Papa. Quick. Qiqi wants playmates!" the little girl ran to Lumine in excitement.

Sensing his wife overstepping their stay, her father cleared his throat, “Uhm, Dear, maybe we should let them talk about this?”

“Why, of course! I’ve been to a beautiful wedding recently and got the planner’s contact card! Message me as soon as possible, sweetie! Congrats, you two!” her mother played ignorant to the tension in the air, instead gave the frozen couple a hug and a kiss in the cheek before dragging her husband out with an accomplished smile.

She’s confident no break up will happen since according to her observations, Ajax has a ring already, and with Qiqi on the line, there’s no way Lumine will give her a broken family. The worst-case scenario is pretty much how long Lumine will make them all wait. And with that in mind, her mother starts to think of plans to further push the wedding if deemed necessary, completely ignoring her angry husband.

Back inside, Ajax was the first one to grasp the situation they’re in.

“Lumine, I…-”

“Qiqi, I think it’s nap time, why don’t we go take a nap, yeah?” Lumine hastily picked Qiqi up, ignoring her protests about having playmates as quick as possible and carrying her to her room.

Leaving a stunned Ajax in the living room.

~~~

Never did Lumine think there would come a time where she wished Qiqi will put up more fight when it comes to nap time, Qiqi usually does, however this time, Qiqi had passed out as soon as she hit the bed. Lumine blames it on her father playing tag with her earlier.

So now she has no excuse but to face Ajax outside.

It’s not that she doesn’t want to marry Ajax, hell they probably will be down the road, but this soon? Lumine just didn’t expect it, while she knew him for so long, they’ve only been together for 2 months, though that didn’t invalidate the things Ajax did for her the past years.

Zhongli flashes in her mind, she still carries his last name, and Qiqi wears it too.

Is she ready to leave Mrs Morax and be Mrs Tartaglia?

Wearing Ajax’s last name gave her a feeling in her stomach, the same feeling she had with the thought of finally sharing Zhongli’s last name before. There is still, however, a little painful tug in her heart.

She already gave her heart to Ajax when they started dating, but is she ready to give her soul as well?

Though when she thinks of it, they’re already living like a married couple, what’s the harm in making it official?

Lumine isn’t really religious, but she values the bond marriages symbolises.

And if Ajax was going to propose soon anyway without her mother’s interference, how would’ve she reacted?

Lumine sighed before getting up from Qiqi’s bed, “Never really thought you’d be the type to bind things as soon as possible.” she murmured to herself.

She took a deep breath before opening the door, no use of having these troubling thoughts when you can discuss it with someone.

She walked back to the living room, Ajax’s back on her. He was sitting on the sofa, chewing on his nails, something Ajax does when he’s anxious, and an anxious Ajax is a rare thing to find.

Lumine can’t blame him though with how she acted earlier, she would be anxious as well.

With another deep breath, she entered the living room, “Ajax.”

Ajax jumped in surprise, quickly standing up and pulling her in his arms as soon as she saw her, a flurry of words came out of his mouth as he apologised. All Lumine can hear clearly is how there’s a misunderstanding, how no one is supposed to find out about the ring, how he is sorry.

How she shouldn’t leave him.

The tremble that starts to lace his voice worried Lumine, “Ajax, calm down.” she pulled away from his chest to grab his face, she could see the worry glazing his eyes.

Did she really scare him that much?

“Hey, it’s okay.” she said, brushing her fingers through his hair to calm him down, “It’s okay, breathe for me please?” she said gently.

Ajax did as told, her warm golden eyes calming him down.

Lumine led them to the sofa, pulling Ajax in her arms when they lay down. She never thought Ajax would be this upset.

They were quiet for a while, just staying in each other’s arms until the blonde decided that Ajax is calmed enough to talk.

“I’m sorry my mother did that.” she decided to apologise, “She can never read the room… well, actually she can, she just decided to ignore it for whatever she wants to happen.”

Ajax just sighed, face still buried in her neck.

“It’s not that I’m planning on proposing- Ah, I mean I will, but not this soon.” Ajax explained, “Remember that time when I visited my family last month?”

Lumine nodded.

“Well, they really love you and can’t wait to make you part of our family, well in a legal concept since you and Qiqi are my family already.” she felt his smile against her neck, and Lumine will be lying if she said her heart didn’t leap in joy for that simple statement, “So they already gave me this ring before I even mentioned anything about weddings.” he showed the box, not opening it, “My parents had crafted it, you know them and their hobby.” he chuckled.

Lumine chuckled, remembering how his parents had taken up crafting as some sort of hobby to entertain themselves since they don’t really have to work that much on their successful winery. It still surprises Lumine that they chose that for leisure activities, her own parents would prefer more “refined activities”, as her mother described, like going sailing or golfing or something like that. Lumine can still remember rolling her eyes when her mother asked why they can’t just buy whatever they’re crafting at the moment, but Lumine also recalled the warm feeling she got when the couple explained how doing a crafting project together just makes things more meaningful for them. It was cheesy, but Lumine also finds the idea romantic.

“...May I?” she gestured at the box when Ajax seemed a bit hesitant to open it.

He just nodded and placed it on her hand.

Lumine gently opened it, gasping at the sight of a beautiful diamond ring. She could already tell the diamond was big earlier, but seeing it closer and clearer takes her breath away.

The band has the traditional silver colour, the upper half of the ring is carved to look like waves, tiny diamonds engraved in them, on top of the band, a star shaped frame sits, encasing a big round shaped blue diamond.

(AN: The jewellery store said it was inspired by various games, but I thought it was perfect for Chilumi. Source: https://takayascustomjewelry.com/blog/sea-stars-paopu-fruit-inspired-engagement-ring)

“This looks so beautiful.” Lumine admired the work.

“They really want to welcome you.” Ajax chuckled before clearing his throat and sitting up, “I didn’t think you’d want to deal with that this soon so I just kept it hidden.”

“...In a bookcase…”

Ajax blushed in embarrassment, “We share the same room, closet, drawers, where am I supposed to hide it?”

“You’re office maybe?” Lumine hummed.

“You go there too, there’s still a risk of you finding out.” Ajax defended, “And there’s a reason I chose the top shelf, you know.”

“Are you saying I’m short?”

“Well, I’m not saying you’re tall…”

They laughed together, Ajax feeling comfortable again to pull her to his chest, “I didn’t really expect your mother to dig through our stuff like that.” he sighed in defeat.

“Why’d you think I had my online shopping delivered to someone else’s place? Mother always goes through my things.” Lumine murmured.

They both eyed the ring, not really sure how to approach the subject.

“I’m not forcing you to do anything, please remember that.” Ajax began, “I’m sure you’re still conflicted about us dating. Sometimes, I can’t help but think you’re here because I forced you to.” he chuckled, it was meant as a joke but Lumine can sense the sadness in his voice.

Lumine sat up to look at him, “Ajax, we talked about this,” she said as she lifted his chin to look at her, “I’m here because I feel the same way as you, I’m here because I fell in love with an amazing man who stood by my side no matter what. I’m here because I love you, and only you.” she declared, a soft smile gracing her lips as she gently caressed his cheek.

Words couldn’t express how happy that made Ajax, so he expressed it in the best way he could, pulling her into one of the most passionate kisses he could give.

Lumine’s lips curled into a smile before wrapping her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss in the process.

They had always been better at showing emotions in actions rather than words as they poured all their feelings in this kiss hoping that the other could feel what they meant. And they do.

They pulled away, well their lips did while they rested their forehead against each other as they caught their breath.

“You’re so amazing.” he smiled softly, “And I can’t wait to see that ring around your finger in the future.” he admitted with hopeful eyes.

Lumine bit her lip, debating.

A few moments of silence, Ajax decided that they should just move on from this, he was going to ask for the ring back until Lumine spoke up.

“What if that future is now?” Lumine said so quietly that Ajax would’ve missed it if he wasn’t this close.

His heart stopped.

He pulled away from Lumine to look at her clearly. She stared back at him, golden eyes wide and shy, face red as she bit her lip in anticipation, “I… I mean…” she broke the staring contest, looking away in embarrassment.

“It’s just a ‘what if’... We don’t have to…” she began to blurt out apologies as her embarrassment grew, perhaps Ajax wasn’t ready as well and she read the room wrong.

As she’s busy panicking, Ajax smiled, taking the box from her hand and kneeling on one knee, “Lumine, love of my life, my starlight, my partner in crime, will you marry me?”

Straight to the point and cheesy, the only thing Ajax could manage at the moment. He made a mental note to prepare a romantic night for them in the future, though he can definitely prepare something romantic in the sheets for tonight.

Lumine stopped her flurry of words and stared back at Ajax, a smile growing on her face,

“With all my heart, yes.”

She’s ready, the past is in the past, there’s no way to go besides forward.

~~~

AN: As you can see, I’m so bad at thinking of names Lumi’s parents didn’t have any lmao, maybe in the future if I get an idea or someone suggested something lol

#chilumi #zhonglumi #chilumi/zhonglumi #genshin impact

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brave-clarice · 3 years

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“Clarice” Liveblog: Episode 7

disclaimer: there’s going to be discussion of a lot of little details I disliked in this one, but as a whole, I liked it a lot better!

honestly? Clarice’s coworkers have every reason to question if she’s “okay” given what we’ve seen so far on this show.

and yeah, coming back from leave a week after being repeatedly tortured does “seem soon”.

AG Martin is using Clarice just as badly as Crawford ever did.

why does Krendler look so sharp? tailored waistcoat, crisp shirt...his costumes would look more in-character for Hannibal than Paul Krendler. I don’t get it.

not sure I like the “my people mined coal, so we know when we’re okay to work” flex, but...whatever.

she makes some truly uninspired costume and hair choices look great

“who am I, James Bond?” are you an FBI agent or aren’t you, Krendler?

BIG Jack Crawford and his Pepto Bismol vibes, but dammit, Krendler should NOT be like Crawford!

now Ardelia’s back to collaborating with Clarice on a case like it’s no big deal??? way to make her look like a hypocrite. again.

idk, I still think Ardelia could have an FBI subplot AND be part of Clarice’s life without constantly working with Clarice within an FBI context (their careers don’t really intersect in the books). those things aren’t mutually exclusive.

“he died instantly” um, is Clarice a medical examiner now? I know she’s got a forensics background, but she’s just now seeing the body.

“Cody didn’t feel any pain” how does Clarice know that and why is confident enough to say it to the kid’s mother?!

also, are victim’s family members usually allowed right into the crime scene like that? paging @special-agent-pendragon!

“let’s talk when we can” Clarice, honey...you literally live with Ardelia, lmao.

the crooked lawyer’s office reminds me a LOT of Chilton’s office in Silence.

Paul Krendler: Good Guy and Faithful Husband...don’t know him!

and again...this is a waste of time on Clarice’s show.

she’s so dang cute!

hey, a reference to Ardelia’s grandma!

Clarice and Ardelia working on a case together at home, off the clock, is way more on brand!

also Clarice eating junk food...that’s my girl :)

I too sometimes eat Lucky Charms out of the box, haha.

omg, Ardelia’s actual grandma!!!

and: a reference to her frying pan, the one Clarice looks into after reading Hannibal’s letter!

Clarice is finally laughing and drinking and having a good time with her best friend...I’m so happy about it.

literally exactly what I wanted/this show NEEDED

“at least my father‘s still alive” oh...my god...they really made Ardelia Mapp say that to Clarice... I...don’t know what to say except that I hate it. the scene was so great otherwise, too.

to be clear, imo this is not an appropriate thing to say to your best friend, ever.

Clarice might be drunk, but her nonchalant reaction (giggling!) is all wrong too, particularly for this Clarice, who’s always been shown as deeply traumatized/haunted.

maybe I’m 100% off-base on this, but I feel like Ardelia’s backstory in this show is at odds with her career choice: why does she go into law enforcement at all? does she truly believe she can make a substantial difference? hope this is addressed at some point.

“I can’t believe you never told me that before” I know this is expository, but I can’t believe it, either, Clarice.

there’s no indication in the books that Mrs. Starling was “always angry” or that Clarice was intimidated by/scared of her outbursts. she saw her mother as a pillar of strength! I don’t like this change tbh.

“he was the law. he was important” mmm...Clarice’s father was not important, and that’s the core of the tragedy, of her anger. it’s why Hannibal calls him the “night watchman” and the reason the Starlings didn’t receive any money or support after his death. he was expendable.

to be fair, I guess maybe this is supposed to be what Clarice’s idea of him was as a child.

this scene is full of little things I don’t like, and Clarice’s father giving her the add-a-bead necklace is definitely one of them.

in the book, Hannibal guesses that Clarice is afraid her beads now look tacky (having been previously trendy in the early-to-mid-80s...so, well after her father’s death). there’s NO indication they had any sentimental value (in fact, they’re never mentioned again iirc)--and with four kids to support, how can he afford to give his eight- or ten-year-old daughter decent jewelry, anyway???

I like the IDEA and the FEELING of that scene. just not the dialogue. and the entire thing is slightly undercut (imo) by Ardelia’s earlier mean-spirited comment. idk. it was cute, but this show’s writing is its own worst enemy.

Ardelia called her “Starling”! :)

Clarice’s costume is yet again blah, while Ardelia’s is great...anything but 199x, though.

money shot!

whew...didn’t see THAT plot twist coming.

Good Guy Paul Krendler continues to be a thing for some reason.

does the Hoover building only have one hallway?

Krendler gaslighting Clarice because someone is blackmailing him doesn’t hit the same as Krendler undercutting her career because he’s a sexist jackass who wants to fuck her. sorry.

Good: Clarice laughing/smiling/joking/having fun with her friend! A (could-have-been-better) bonding scene with Ardelia. Clarice getting to work a field case and the iconic shots that come with that territory. Ardelia’s grandma! Not a single mention of the Bill case, thank God.

Bad: Some of Clarice’s snap forensic judgments...they just felt too fast and unconvincing to me. Everyone’s costumes and hair continue to underwhelm me. (Why has Paul Krendler stolen Hannibal’s wardrobe? Why can’t Clarice wear something even remotely exciting?) Ardelia’s awful “at least my father’s still alive” comment. The muddled implications about Clarice’s mother (especially in an episode about an abusive mother).

Ugly: Krendler subplot, as usual.

Overall? Better. Much better. Absolutely a case of “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts”. Despite its subject matter, this episode was a lot more pleasant to watch than the previous two. Clarice had a limited amount of character development beyond “doe-eyed and traumatized,” she actually got to laugh, enjoy life, eat junk food (!) and solve a case with a friend before it all went to hell.

I want more, though. The writing leaves a lot to be desired. There were a lot of small details of which I was critical, namely Ardelia’s insensitivity towards her best friend (unfortunately, this seems to be part of a pattern) and several minor but jarring and pointless changes to the books (mostly having to do with the Starlings). Most of the ViCAP team is still pretty one-dimensional, Krendler continues to get way too much screentime, Ardelia is hit-or-miss.

And Rebecca Breeds has to milk every moment and every line for whatever nutritional value it’s worth re: Clarice’s character. Even after seven episodes, I don’t feel as Rebecca’s Clarice has been allowed to fully emerge as the iconic character we know from the books. But I’ll keep on hoping...after all, there are at least three episodes to go!

#clarice #cbs clarice #Clarice Starling #rebecca breeds #only a week late this time heh #*a week and a half now oop #sorry for the lateness and the nitpicking but how hard is it NOT to change the book???

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kirstinmaldonado · 4 years

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CHAPTER TEN 2.0

I had a horrible migraine Monday night. It was one of those that you feel after holding back tears all day, or letting it out all day, it was centered right in-between the eyes on the upper bridge of my nose. My eyes sweltered under discomfort. The icepacks or a cool touch to the head, something my mom would always do (she always has cold hands), couldn’t even console me. I didn’t feel feverish at all, but the pain was sharp and pulsating like a nervous heartbeat, over and over, until I couldn’t concentrate on TV or anything anymore I just had to go to bed and hope I could fall asleep.

I rarely get those kinds of headaches, that placement and severity. I’m usually fortunate to pass with dull, achey, temple headaches; and even my hangovers are never so pointed and jab-like.

My mom on the other hand, has dealt with migraines for years. I remember her pain as a kid, waking up in the morning wondering where she was, only to find her in the dark in her room, barely able to speak sometimes. I was always so sad to see her in such anguish, all alone in the dark. Silent. Still. While her head throbbed as if a brass band was playing “The Music Man” at too loud a decibel.

We watched a lot of horror films, my mom and I. In contrast to all the Disney films, I grew up on Jeepers Creepers, Scream, Final Destination and all the Freddy, Jason, true horror classics (yes, and all seven billion of their sequels). When she would be in bed, in the dark, we’d joke that she was a vampire needing her rest and that she needed to stay in the dark unbothered, and that lightheartedness to the situation made us smile and contented us.

Monday, Ben asked if migraines ran in my family, and though I told him about my mother’s constant battle with them the last couple years I was hoping mine felt more situational as opposed to genetic. Fingers crossed on that, and kudos to mom and those who get migraines for sticking it out cause they can be a big B-I-T-C-H.

I say situational, because it’s been A WEEK to say the least, with big things and confrontations happening in the public eye and in my own private life. The last two weeks have been incredibly eye-opening, painful, uncomfortable, moving, you name it. An entire rainbow of emotions (Happy Pride, by the way, cuties, I haven’t forgotten about you all).

I feel as if I’ve transformed into a new person with big, wide, new eyes, shedding some old skin that felt a little naive and a little out of touch with how the world, not should work, but how it’s REALLY been working. I’ve been talking to my black friends and fans, talking to my Hispanic family and hearing their stories, and talking amongst my friends and respected mentors. I’ve been doing some soul-searching and digging through memories of my own cop experiences (one, for example, at 17 with two white males [we were pulled over and eventually surrounded by 4 armed cop cars that got us out of the car, surrounded us, and wouldn’t tell us why] and wondering but knowing how that situation could have been if they were black), my jokes of being white-washed or assimilating in to white culture and not focusing on my own, and me coloring my hair blonde and wearing colored contacts not MY brown eyes for so much of my life and wondering what the intention of it all was for. Was it genuine or was I doing it to fit in, did I think it made me prettier, or more likable? Did I think or know that it would get me roles, because many ingenues or leading ladies at the time didn’t look like me?

At a point, at multiple points, all the things I’d uncover or watch in recent news had my stomach hard and in knots. Every new clip made me feel like I wanted to throw up, but I couldn’t stop now that I had SEEN.

I was confused. Hurt. Believing what I’d seen, but needing other facts as if I was missing something completely because it all did not make sense to me. How COULD it?

I apologize for all the reposts and rants, but I hope it’s stayed in line with being something you should SEE, regardless of if its uncomfortable or not, so that you KNOW what is happening, while also trying to call action to addressing the issue but moving FORWARD towards a solution. I don’t want violence on my page. But now it’s hard to turn a blind eye.

The organized BLM LA protest on May 30th changed my life. After the speeches, we wanted to continue marching, moving, using our freedom of speech and combining our white, brown, black, and all colors in-between of voices so that we could be ONE VOICE UNITED to be HEARD.

I don’t think I went to the front lines because I was white-passing and felt safer, or because I was a woman so could be “less a threat.” I went because my black allies, who I didn’t even know, asked us to because the front was starting to get unnecessarily violent. I went because I had done nothing wrong and planned on doing nothing wrong. I went, in a way, to be an innocent. Because if I was in the front with no bad intention, the people beside and behind me would be okay.

As we walked through the crowds, their hands on my shoulders, their thanks, flared something visceral deep inside of me and I knew I was here to protect and mediate, and in a way, fighting against hate in whatever form as if I was a newborn Avenger. Someone cried out “I love this, this is what this movement is for!” and that has stayed with me as so many lighter-skinned protesters made their way to the front. Because that IS what this is for. Not to divide, but to unite to fight for justice against those that have unnecessarily been wronged.

I’ll never forget one black man that my friends and I urged to stay back beside us in the lines that had pushed to the front. He was angry. Upset. Hurt. Defiled. I’d never understood the pain the black community felt. But as we tried to reassure him, block him from the batons (from THAT COP), bring him back to the safety of the group, when I was hit in the ribs and the face as collateral because he would have been hit so much worse, the last thing he said as we pulled him back was “I want them to hear me.” And suddenly I felt holding him and consoling him was wrong, like I was a part of stealing his voice from him even though all I wanted was to keep him safe. Suddenly I felt so upset, so angry; although, of course, I’ll never even know HALF of that feeling as a non-black person who, to my knowledge, has never been treated differently for their identity.

I’ll never forget the way he said it. With so much hurt and pain, the anger fading in to just pure anguish and loss.

I felt like I’d silenced someone, so all I could do was get back to the front. It was my turn to be silent and let their voices carry behind me.

I’m sure you’ve seen the video going around, the stillness before the cops were ordered presumably to push the line back. While I can have a whole blog post of levels and steps they could have taken before the cop bashed through my canvas sign with his baton, you can look at the video and see for yourself. People getting hit because they were at the front, with no provocation. The man striking me with a baton, honestly probably because I had said openly to watch out for him, because he was showing a LOT of premature violence, because of how quickly he went after the man we were protecting; yet then only pushing the white girl next to me with his hand, even though she unfortunately was struck multiple times from another officer.

All awful!! All taken a step too far. I’ve never been more in shock. Ben was trying to pull me off the floor so I wouldn’t get stepped on. Our friends were hit by rubber bullets. Our other friends on another street running from tear gas.

The tear gas, the rubber bullets, the bruises and the ache have *I PRAY* started to leave Los Angeles as all the protests have started to become more peaceful and more organized. Since, I’ve been to three and they were all just, beautiful, and moving, each one getting better and bigger as the week went on. I carry a sense of pride and love seeing the aerial footage of all the people Sunday, and I think back to what my May 30 experience was compared to June 7th. I heard it was the largest protest yet. And while I felt like a sardine in a can, it was so packed, it was beautiful and it’s a memory I’ll hold forever!

I sidebar to say, I may no longer be cheering at the literal protesting frontlines with you for a while — I must return to Texas soon for family so must safely quarantine — but know the fight for equality, for justice has not ended just because it’s not trending anymore! I think I’m gonna have to shackle myself to my house so I won’t leave, haha, but know there is so much you can be doing from your home! As my grandma said, after the protests which are the catalysts and the calls for change the REAL reformative work begins!! And the road is long!

The most important thing, in my humble opinion, is to show up. To not be afraid. To ask the questions. To educate yourself through your friends with their experiences or through history.

Humbly, you must think, but what even can I do to help?

Showing up isn’t JUST protesting. It’s signing petitions. Donating to charities. It’s calling local reps. It’s doing the research and thinking, what can I do to lend my voice to help create a better world for all and doing it authentically if even imperfectly because deep down you also want to right these injustices and demand change! Do it in public. Do it in private. But do it because you believe in it!

I know everything feels a bit dark and overwhelming right now! The amount of times I’ve needed a “break” and then wanted to cry because my black friends and fans don’t get the opportunity to take “breaks” is countless. But your mental health is important for you to be the strongest ally you can be!

And if you’re afraid of backlash, understand that many are hurt. I know many feel nervous to speak up in a damned if I do, damned if I don’t kind of way. But EACH of your voices are, and have always been so, so important. And each and every one of you have an important say and CHOICE/VOTE in to where we lead our country!

Someone told me this week that although sunflowers follow the sun, when it is cloudy and dark, they turn to face each other and share their energy!

I don’t know if that’s a million percent scientifically accurate, but the sentiment brought me to tears. In times of darkness, we should all be able to lean on each other for support.

We can all be sunflowers in the dark. <3

Love you all.

#blog 2.0

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #406

“turned on all the lights, the tv, and the radio / still, i can’t escape the ghost of you”

Have you ever had an ulcer? No. Do you have any rare medical conditions? I believe AvPD is considered to be a rare mental disorder. Do you have to carry an epi pen? No. What color is your mailbox? I think it's black. I don't pay attention. Would you ever want a job working with animals? I'd love to. The thing is, without a degree in something, my duties working with animals would almost certainly involve cleaning up after them, which I am WAY too squeamish with fecal matter and vomit to do. It's extremely embarrassing, but I've never even been able to clean up after my own pets if they ever had an accident or got sick. I obviously couldn't do it with random animals. Did you have a good high school experience? It's... so odd, retrospecting on high school. In some ways, it was the best time of my life because of my memories with my friends and especially Jason, but at the time, I absolutely loathed it and was horribly depressed. But at least I saw a future for myself. I took better care of myself, all that stuff... That Brittany would be fucking mortified to get a glimpse at who she becomes. Have you ever watched any Monty Python movies? Which one is your favourite? I know I've seen some of at least one. Would you ever get a "below the belt" piercing? Nah. If a couple is married, do you think there should be any legal punishment if one person cheats? No...? Like don't get me wrong at all, I am firmly against cheating under any circumstance, but for there to be legal retribution seems extreme. What is the greatest source of anxiety for you? My future. Are there any hallucinogenic drugs you’d like to try? Nah man. What made you choose your current job? I'm unemployed. Do you feel uncomfortable on the dance floor? Or are you confident with you dancing abilities? Oh hunny, you won't see me on the dance floor. Unless MAYBE if the Cha-Cha Slide comes on, or the Cupid Shuffle. That's as skilled as I get, haha. Is it exciting to you to imagine having an affair with a teacher? ... No??????????? It's fucking creepy. Adultery isn't exciting. Do you like your smile? No. I absolutely look high when I smile. What is something silly that you believed to be true when you were a child? That I could invoke the traits of any animal, which I just referred to as my "animal powers." Like for example, if I "called upon" a kangaroo, I could jump higher. I was a weird fucking kid. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone you completely connected with on a mental/emotional level, but did not find physically attractive in any way? Was physical intimacy a problem? How did it work out? I was never really physically attracted to Girt, but it was never a big deal to me. I cared way more about his personality and how much he cared about me. We were never really "intimate," per se, we just would give each other a simple peck. It didn't work out, but not at all because of physical things. He was just too much of a brother to me. What classic or cult movie have you never seen and have no desire to? Hm. I know there's some, but I'm blanking. Does The Human Centipede count here? Like everyone knows about it, so I would assume it does. I have ZERO desire to see a second of that repulsive movie. Have you ever taken a real liking to a band/singer you never ever....ever thought you'd enjoy? Maybe Melanie Martinez? Her voice is so cutesy, as are some of her songs, but I really enjoy how dark her lyrics can be. People who know me would probably be shocked to hear I thoroughly like her. After seeing the movie Avatar did you suddenly view our Earth as ugly and/or boring? If you have not seen the movie, do you think it’s worth your time? I've seen a little bit of it, but I never finished it because I was very tired and chose to go to sleep. I actually do want to see the full thing, though; it looks very good. How helpful are your parents to you? Would they help you to pay for your first apartment? College? Where does the line end? My parents are truly incredible with helping me the best they are capable of. They helped me pay for school, among other things, but I doubt they'd help with my first home, whenever that is. I wouldn't really want them to, either, because that's my responsibility for sure. Do you like playing video games? If so, what do you usually play? I love video games, and horror is absolutely my favorite genre. I also love fantasy games though with deep stories. I've never been the best at playing super long games, like Final Fantasy games, even if I'm seriously invested in the story, though. I burn out. Have you ever sewn a garment? No. Are there any plants in the room you’re in? No. I don't bother with plants. What’s your highest level of education? Some college. What’s the most important thing in any kind of relationship? Proper communication, probably. If you wear lipstick, what’s your favourite colour to wear? I only really put on lipstick to occasionally take a picture, and it's pretty much always black. Is your style feminine, masculine or somewhere in the middle? Somewhere in the middle, I guess? Are there a lot of dragonflies around your house? I've never seen one around this house, and I doubt I ever will because it's too urban. When we lived in the woods, however, I saw them a lot. Of all the Disney couples, which one would you say is your favorite? Kovu and Kiara came to my mind first. Do you think it is cute/funny or disgraceful when a child swears? It's shocking, more than anything. You don't expect it. I don't believe it should be encouraged, but only because children just don't know when swearing really isn't appropriate. If/when you have a baby, how do you think you would want to decorate its room? I don't want kids, but I'll entertain the question and assume this is before the child is born and develops interests. Whether it's a boy or a girl, I'd probably go with a cutesy animal theme. Would you more likely buy a shirt with a picture of Mickey/Minnie Mouse, a Winnie the Pooh character, Snoopy, Hello Kitty, or Tweety Bird on it? None, honestly. Perhaps like, a gothic Hello Kitty. Of all the states you have been to, which one did you have the best experiences? Putting aside the AWFUL heat and humidity, I probably had the best time in Florida. I loved all the palm trees, seeing so many lizards on my grandma's patio, and going to Disney World was a blast. I liked that swimming pools were always warm, too. Have you ever had a crush on someone “too young” for you? No. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to? No. I was madly in love with him, so no regrets on that. If your boyfriend ever hit you, would you dump him? HA, BYYYYEEEEEEEEE MOTHERFUCKER. ZERO hesitation. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? He did, but I honestly don't know if he meant it. Is there anything you want to say to someone? It'll probably go unsaid for the rest of my life. If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it? Yikes, hard pass. If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it? Noooo thank you. Did you wake up in the middle of the night? I always do. Does your animal sleep with you? My cat does. Venus obviously sleeps in her terrarium, but she is in my room. Last color you dyed your hair? Red. Will you keep your last name when you get married? Very unlikely. I don't like my last name. What are you looking forward to? Hearing back again from the woman whose wedding I shot literally two years ago. I thought she ghosted me, but she messaged me the other day about seeing the pictures again and going through them to actually buy some. I don't know why the hell it took her two years, but whatever, I guess? I spent two whole hours resizing the files and re-adding the preview watermark (I deleted the OneDrive folder for space forever ago, but I have the files still), so I hate to sound like an ass, but she better buy something. Between sweating my ass off on location when I shot the wedding, editing those 100+ pictures two years ago, and now re-doing the previews, I have invested so much goddamn time into them that yeah, I think I have the right to be pretty damn salty if I don't hear back from her again. If your significant other cut sex out of your relationship for any reason, what would you do? It'd be whatever. I mean sure, that sort of intimacy is a very special part of serious romantic relationships to me, but I can live without it pretty easily. What was the last thing you said out loud? "Thank you for dinner" to my mom. She brought home Hardee's. Who are your godparents? I don't believe I have any. Do you like Gushers? omggggg yes Can you touch your nose with your tongue? No. Is there a particular sport you follow on a regular basis? Nope. Are you waiting for something to arrive in the mail? No. Think of the last film you watched. Who was your favourite character? Uhhhh what was it... The Shining, I think? I didn't really develop a favorite. Do you have a friend whose name starts with ‘L’? Describe him/her. Lisa. <3 She's one of my WoW friends. She'll talk your ear off, but I don't really mind. She is SO sweet and caring for other people and loves to cook. She recently had triplets, and seeing as she had a son only months before accidentally getting pregnant with the triplets, she's obviously been MEGA busy so we haven't talked much lately. When you’re being kissed do you like it when they hold your face? Yeah, but not too early on. Doing that has a promise of seriousness and passion in it to me, and it would probably weird me out if that happened too soon. Last thing that made you cry? My health. Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum? Nah. I don't think it would look good on me. Do you enjoy being outdoors? If it's cool outside and I have a place to sit when I want to, yeah. Do people tell you that you have an accent? Only sometimes. It's definitely not as bad as your average Southerner, though. Do you enjoy watching fireworks on the 4th of July? Ha, what nice timing. I think they're very pretty, but I believe I went over in a recent survey how I don't encourage their usage in consideration of veterans with PTSD as well as being conscious of animals and the absolute terror it can cause for them. What’re some unspeakable subjects for you? So my sister is a children's social worker, and she shares a LOT of stories with Mom (and me, if I'm present) that I can't listen to. The ones that involve pedophilia and/or rape, especially from the child's very own parent(s), I just cannot listen to. Period. It's so fucking repulsive and just unimaginable to me how even a monster of a human can commit something THAT goddamn vile. What’s your opinion of root beer? I'm not a big fan. I mean I can tolerate drinking some of it, but I don't really *enjoy* it. Have you ever seen The Breakfast Club, and what’s your opinion of it? I have, and I didn't get the appeal at all. Did you have a Furby when you were younger? Oh god, I did. Those things are so creepy. If you had a baby boy, what would you name him? Damien, most likely.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''the ordinary world'' by the hit house

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osakaso5 · 4 years

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Haruka Isumi Labyrinth Rabbit TV Part 2: Remembering Old Sounds

Part 1 | Part 3

Haruka Isumi: ...Grandma, I'm home!

Haruka's Grandmother: Oh dear, Haru-chan. I told you not to worry about me...

Haruka's Grandmother: I'll just leave plates under the leaks...

Minami Natsume: It's a pleasure to meet you, Grandmother. My name is Minami Natsume.

Haruka's Grandmother: ...Oh..?

Toma Inumaru: Pardon the intrusion! We're very sorry that we haven't come see you sooner! I'm Toma Inumaru.

Torao Mido: Hello, I'm Torao Mido. Your skin's so pretty it makes you look much younger, madame. ...Ah, and you've got beautiful hands, too.

Haruka's Grandmother: E-er..?

Haruka Isumi: Hey, Torao! Don't touch Grandma's hands!

Haruka's Grandmother: Haru-chan, are these young men your friends? Introduce us.

Haruka Isumi: ...We're not exactly friends... These guys are in my idol group...

Haruka's Grandmother: Oh, I see! So they're your friends!

Haruka's Grandmother: I'm very sorry to have kept you standing out there. Our home isn't very big, but do come in!

Haruka Isumi: I... I told you, they're not my fri..!

Minami Natsume: We'll take you up on that offer, as long as you'll have us.

Toma Inumaru: I'll help you prepare tea!

Torao Mido: A Japanese-style house, huh. It's been a while since I stood on tatami mats.

Haruka Isumi: Geeeeeeez...!

- - - -

Haruka's Grandmother: I'm sorry that we didn't have better treats than this...

Toma Inumaru: I love rice crackers! Thank you very much!

Torao Mido: Hey, Grandma. Are the leaks over here... and over there?

Haruka's Grandmother: That's right. This house is very old, so there isn't much that can be done about it.

Haruka Isumi: Of course there is! It can be fixed, so it should be fixed!

Haruka's Grandmother: But won't it cost an awful lot of money?

Torao Mido: Hello, it's me. ...Yeah. I'm counting on you.

Haruka Isumi: H-huh..?

Torao Mido: I called one of our contractors. You won't mind if they come fix this now, right Grandma?

Haruka's Grandmother: W-what..? Even if you're Haru-chan's friends, I couldn't possibly let you...

Minami Natsume: It's quite alright, Grandmother. We've already received payment... from your grandson.

Haruka's Grandmother: From Haru-chan..?

Haruka Isumi: Wha...

Minami Natsume: Sing my songs with all your might. That's more than enough recompense for me.

Haruka Isumi: ...Guys...

Haruka Isumi: ...Don't worry, Grandma! I'm earning money now.

Haruka Isumi: So let us take care of this!

Haruka's Grandmother: ...Haru-chan... Thank you, thank all of you...

Torao Mido: Haha. Feels like I've become a hero.

Toma Inumaru: Awesome! ...Oh yeah, Grandma. Let's sing a song together!

Haruka's Grandmother: A song?

Toma Inumaru: We're not idols for nothing!

Minami Natsume: Great idea. I'll play... ah, I forgot that there is no piano here.

Haruka's Grandmother: Piano? I think we still have the toy piano Haru-chan used when he was small!

Haruka Isumi: Huh!? You still have that thing!?

Haruka's Grandmother: Of course. It's full of precious memories.

Haruka Isumi: It's embarrassing...

Haruka's Grandmother: I found it. Here it is.

Torao Mido: There's a lot of dinosaur stickers on it. ...Oh, it’s this character! You've got good taste, Haruka.

Haruka Isumi: Huh? Who?

Torao Mido: The hero who fights with the dinosaurs. Don't you remember him?

Haruka Isumi: I dunno... It's a really old toy, anyway.

Toma Inumaru: Does it still work?

Pling...

Minami Natsume: Heehee. It makes the cutest sounds.

Haruka Isumi: Minami, can you really play a toy like that..?

Minami Natsume: Just who do you think I am?

Torao Mido: Rainfall and music, looks like we're in for a great show.

Toma Inumaru: You're Haru's first fan ever, right Grandma?

Toma Inumaru: Let's all sing together!

Haruka Isumi: Toma...

Haruka's Grandmother: I'll get to hear one of Haru-chan's songs?

Haruka Isumi: ...Yeah.

Haruka Isumi: Let's sing our song!

End of Part 2.

#idolish7 #haruka isumi #labyrinth #translation #zool #rabbit tv

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feralnumberfive · 3 years

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I expect no one to read this at all. It’s more of a way to get some feelings off of my chest. This is a look into my personal life and what I went through in 2020. I cried quite a bit while writing this, haha.

My farewell letter to 2020:

To you 2020, the year that shook the world. You’re certainly one to go down in the record books. You changed my life as you did to everyone. To you, the month of March. I had hit the lowest part in my life since the shock of my parent's divorce 11 years ago. My beloved cat had died in October of 2019, a few days short of our one year anniversary of fostering him, which soon turned into us adopting him. It was sudden and unexpected. I still can remember clear as day that horrid call I got from my sister from the vet. “Hey, we need you to come up here. It’s kidney failure.” As she spoke through her tears, I instantly began to cry. I had felt sad for months after that.

In December of 2019, the adoptive dad of one of my closest friends committed suicide. She was torn apart, having had three people she knew died earlier that year. I stood by her side and watched her cry. We colored together in the counseling room, making small talk and doing anything I could to comfort her.

From late February into March, another one of my closest friends revealed to me a traumatic experience she went through. She had been raped by a classmate of mine, one who I considered to be good acquaintances. She was a grade younger than me, and was practically completely dependent on me and my friend, as she was too scared to tell her parents. She eventually completely relied on my friend as I became shoved out of the problem. Her story and the amount of support required from her, which she never gave back to me throughout our friendship, made me realize at that moment I had hit rock bottom. I was tired and so sick of it all. This sentence that I'm about to say is one I've never admitted to anyone: I didn't want to be around anymore, or at least alive. I needed somewhere to escape. I didn't want to commit suicide due to expectations I held upon myself. I was also too scared to commit suicide.

I finally admitted I needed help, which was scary for me to do. In March of you, 2020, I was diagnosed with situational depression. I was soon put on an anti-depressant. It felt good to put a name on it, but little did I know I would pay the price for my relief. Preparing to go off to college, I needed to get a First Class Medical Certificate in order to apply to the flight program at the colloege I wanted to go to. I went and got my FAA Medical Certificate done, ticking off the boxes on my journey to fulfill my life long dream of becoming a pilot.

Spring Break came and after watching schools around me close, it was announced that we wouldn't be returning until mid April, and then the end of April, then until May. I quickly realized it wasn't possible to return and that unbeknownst to me I had already spent the last days of my Senior year at school in March. A frantic question was suddenly formed amongst my classmates and soon the world: Will the class of 2020 graduate? I, being burnt out, didn't care what would happen to me or my class. We soon became a laughing stock and a sight to pity around the world. Class of 2020, Corona Class, The Class that would be telling this story to their kids. It didn't matter to me. As I held up the “Class of 2020″ shirt my uncle got me with the zeros as tp rolls, I sighed. I just wanted to graduate without getting laughed at. Spoiler Alert: That didn't happen.

Around this time I ended my friendship with the girl who I cherished but didn't cherish me back. I still to this day can’t exactly understand why I did that. I blocked her and left without saying goodbye. That wasn’t the right thing to do at all. She had been raped and needed support, but here I was leaving her. She always needed and wanted my support but never gave it back. It was always “Aw you have a problem? Here, let’s try this minimal effort plan to help you. That didn’t work? Oh well, let’s get back to me.” This is no excuse at all for my actions of cutting her off. I really still don’t know why I did this. I had hung out with her everyday in the summer of 2019. Here I was, easily letting her go. Jackie, I’m so sorry. I hope you are doing well and get into ISU to follow your dreams of being an engineer.

In May I received news that still hurts and effects me to this day. I had been denied my Medical Certificate. It wasn't due to me being on an antidepressant, is was due to the fact that I was depressed. This was soul crushing news, but there was still a chance I could reapply for the Medical Certificate if I jumped through multiple hoops. May also provided the announcement that my safe haven in Oshkosh, Wisconsin wouldn't be happening this year. It was definitely understandable due to the virus, but still very saddening to me. It’s really the only thing I look forward to each year, but I understood and agreed on why it was canceled for 2020.

In June I got the news that a beloved teacher of my family and I passed away due to a heart attack and complications of Addison’s Disease. She was the best math teacher I had ever had, and the best in my High School. Math is my worst subject, but she never made me feel stupid like the other math teachers. She always made sure I understood what I was doing. Sometimes when she didn’t feel like having class she would have a free day. She would gossip with my classmates and tell us stories of her youth. Sometimes though she would give us free days due to having intense migraines that sometimes hospitalized her due to her disease. It wasn’t fun to see her like that.

In June she was hospitalized where even her husband and two kids weren’t allowed in to see her. The only person allowed into her before she died was her twin brother. The family decided to have a public funeral, with tons of people in the community and school district socially distancing and wearing masks to pay their respect. I began to cry as I listened to her husband tell everyone that he wasn't ready and was so scared to be a single parent. Their children were both under ten, and were now motherless. Mrs. Johnson it was so hard saying goodbye to you. I loved you so much, and I still do. You gave my friend who had lost her dad food and comfort. You did so much not only for my family and I, but for everyone in the community and school district. I miss you so much.

Hot days came with hazy skies. Everyday I checked the wildfire smoke map as I watched the sun turn bright pink as the sun became a blazing red when the sun went down. For weeks our sky looked hazy. Some days looked cloudy, but it was actually smoke. As someone who lives the Midwest, this was quite surprising.

In August I experienced something that will forever be remembered by me and everyone who lives in my state. A Derecho tore through and ravaged my hometown and the state that I dearly love. We watched through the window as trees snapped in half and branches and leaves whirled around everywhere. We watched through the window as water roared down the road, appearing as if a stream had started right next to us. We watched in fear as shingles were torn off and large items were blown through our yard. As the electricity flickered out, we wondered if we would be crushed by either tree that were on two sides of our house. Wet leaves were torn apart and slammed into our window, where they stayed there for a month afterwards. They looked like confetti, torn into thousands of tiny pieces.

To the branches and trees I still see today in the neighboring towns and cities, broken reminders of the damage done. To you, the metal grain bins that still sit out in the flattened cornfields. Our once tall and proud cornfields that are a proud symbol of my state were now flattened to the ground, completely parallel to the rich farming soil that it stood in. Painting the countryside in flat waves of green with splotches of silver from grain bins and white from barns and houses damaged. Our proud stalks became damaged goods that costed us billions. To the buildings that still show their battle scars from months ago, the houses with the tarps on their roofs and the old wooden barns that couldn't handle the 140 mph. To you, Donald J, Trump, the President of the United States who was supposed to tour Cedar Rapids to exam the damage that still lies there today. You stayed in the airport and immediately left after getting your business done. You didn't care about us, you were there to do business and leave to start your campaigning.

My small town was able to clean up within a month or so, but even still TODAY the bigger cities are littered with damage. There are tree trunks and branches scattered along roads. Thousands of houses still have tarps on their houses and siding missing.

In August my grandma was also diagnosed with Dementia. I've watched her deteriorate over the past few months. Every time we call she forgets that I’m not in school. Sometimes she forgets my name. When we tell her we’re on our way to visit outside her window, she forgets within 10 minutes. Grandma, I hope you never forget that I love you.

In September I finally met with a therapist. I am so thankful to be working with her. After months of my family getting angry and upset at me for being scared to go to the store, my therapist diagnosed me with Social Anxiety. I was so relieved to be diagnosed with it and to be working out the issues I have with my therapist. We work together weekly to help me become a better and more comfortable version of myself.

Over the summer months the health of my already diseased cat took a steep decline. She was my cat, and I felt powerless as I slowly watched her die. She could no longer stay inside due to her having constant accidents. As we made our plan to take her to the vet to give her a peaceful death, I received a heartbreaking call from my mother on a cold September night. My little Jill had passed away in her sleep on our porch. I came over to say goodbye to my baby as I pet her cold fur one last time. I love you my little Jilly Bean and I miss you everyday. I miss and love you so so so much.

September also brought the news that a precious B-25 had a crash landing. It always hurts to hear about a Warbird crashing or getting damaged. I was happy to hear though that they were going to fix it back to airworthiness.

In October I had to make a difficult decision with the FAA. Do I try to visit four different doctors for phycological examinations in order to complete my Medical Certificate or do I wait to get off my medicine and start feeling better on my own? I opted for the second part due to the decline of visiting all of those doctors coming up in November. We had been given that option early in the year, but Covid prevented us from traveling out of state to see those doctors. I sent a letter to the FAA to let them know what I was doing. I received a letter about a month ago that stated that I still needed to visit those doctors or something like that. I honestly didn’t look through it that well because it’s just such a pain in the butt.

Another thing about you 2020 is that you provided me with he opportunity to meet amazing people. I began to watch The Umbrella Academy in September, but I decided to make my account on October 1st. I’ve met tons of funny and talented people on here. The show itself had provided me tons of comfort. It has given me the courage to start writing fanfiction for it along with starting back up on drawing fanart

The end of 2020 has slowed down for me. One of my aviation heroes died this year, Mr. Chuck Yeager. It was heartbreaking for me to hear that. One of the worst days for me was ironically on my birthday in December. I felt really bitter and down and just wanted to sit in my room, but I didn’t. I don’t like celebrating my birthday anymore. As I get older it feels less and less special and in turn I feel sad about it. Another reason why is that I don’t like having a fuss made about it. I don’t like the attention from it haha. It’s okay though because even though this year I felt upset I eventually felt a bit happier as it turned to night.

This year I witnessed history being made. Let me be clear that history is made every year, but this year was very eventful. I witnessed innocent black lives being slaughtered by the very people who are sworn to protect everyone. It’s so disappointing and soul crushing to see all of this. I don’t know if I’ve made it clear on here, but I strongly stand with the BLM movement. I may not understand what they haven been going through for decades, but I stand with them to make things right. Black Lives Matter, not All Lives. All Lives only matter when it’s actually true and Black Lives are included. If you saw a house on fire in an entire block of houses, you wouldn’t say “All Houses Matter!” No they don’t, that house on fire matters. Black Lives Fucking Matter, and All Cops Are Bastards.

To you, the Pledge of Allegiance. Everyday in elementary school I proudly held my right hand over my heart as I stared up at Old Glory and recited you. This year helped me realize that “With liberty and justice for all.” is total bullshit. The only thing I truly appreciate about my country now is the scenery and nature it provides.

To you 2020, as I finish writing this letter on December 31st. You’ve made me cry a lot, including right now. You’ve deeply effected my life and brought me lots of sorrow. Despite all of this, I don't feel upset about you. Yes, you gave me some events that will always haunt me but that’s okay. 2020 even though you’ve hurt me, you’ve also shaped me. Yes, you also made my lose faith in my country and humanity, but I can only hope for the best. You’ve pushed me to become a better version of myself.

So to you 2020, you’ve been a hell of a year. I’ve hated and loved you, but mostly hated you. I went through some shit, but others have gone through worse this year. To those of you who have had a very hard time this year, I love you. I sincerely hope things get better for you. Friend or stranger, you can always rely on me as someone to talk to, to rant or vent to, and to cry to. This year was excruciating, but don’t give up. It has ended and a new year has begun. Sure 2021 may also be bad and we’re all exhausted from 2020, but let’s fight till the end.

#sorry if there are any mistakes in here #I was emotional and listening to music #which always messes up my writing #I love you all #and to myself I hope 2021 will be better #2020 #new year's eve #fuck 2020 #2021 here we come #personal

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jokidden · 4 years

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My long ass essay about the Old Guard Part 2

Where I left off: Guys can cry while saying I love you in a 1000000 words long poem they just thought up on the spot and then be kissed for it. The only people making fun of him and being mean is those ugly ass enemy guys.

Onto then to Joe and Nicky. Sappy husbands shooting heart eyes at each other, all the time. They are unashamedly in love. (Also, you know, gay. God, I could cry rivers). I don’t want to write about them an essay here so I try to be short. At the big shooting at the beginning, first thing Joe does when he comes to his senses is checking on Nicky. Van scene. First thing he does here too is to check up on Nicky, see if he is alright. When the goons try to stop him, he doesn’t snap at them, shouting to LET ME GO BASTARDS!! OR I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU!! Nah. He just asks them nicely to please let him see if he is alright, please I have to know. He is clearly worried even though he knows there is little chance that Nicky won’t wake up but that doesn’t stop him from choking on his worry. And when the bad guys meanly joke about haha what is he your boyfriend? That’s what gets Joe all riled up. Though he still doesn’t react violently, well maybe, if we count his love confession violently sappy and poetic. He loves this man and likes to show it. And Nicky is like aww what a dork I love you too and MOTHERFREAKING KISS. Like. What a fuck you to homophobic manchildren.

Nicky is just so kind and understanding it’s unreal. Likes to cook (I know it’s not a big thing but I personally love him for this). Makes freaking tea to the team like a grandma. Worries about Nile, about how alone and scared and confused she must be, he asks her about her nightmare when she wakes up screaming. He likes to take care of his loved ones and obviously shows affection even if not as much as Joe. He is more reserved, calm and quiet but Yeah, definitely not afraid of ~~~~emotions~~~~

In short: They’re such gentle creatures when they want to be and it’s glorious while on the other hand they kill and beat people without a blink and that’s such a paradox (it shouldn’t be. People can be complicated.). If no one noticed it so far, I’m in love.

BOOKER!!

The little bird is Vulnerable, like, all the time. It’s clear he is suffering, he hates immortality and tells his sob story to Neil basically crying. Almost cries when he is remembering his past, after betraying Andy because „We could finally die, Andy. Isn’t that what we wanted all this time? Don’t you see what I’m trying to do?”, when he learns Andy isn’t immortal anymore and at the end too, when he talks to Nile and says goodbye to Andy. I don’t want to touch too much on his suicidal tendencies but it sure isn’t a secret and that’s something movies never ever show. Like suicide is some kind of ultimate weakness which is Not Manly. Must be shocking that Crying isn’t something that takes away manliness. In fact, it is a strong and very brave thing to show vulnerability and cry.

Respect women juice drinking like it's a religion.

What I love about Copley is that he isn't a bad man. He wants to save lives, save humanity, stop suffering and he genuinly believes this is what he is doing. He is clearly awed at what he found out about the immortals. He quickly realises his mistake in trusting Merrick but it is too late and it kind of just... broke him a little. That these people will be tortured because of him. So he decides to set things right but gets talked out if it and just gives Nile his card. He doesn't asks for forgiveness. To let him make up the wrong he made. No, he knows what he did, and now he is at the mercy of the Old Guard.

The bad guys on the other hand. Merrick, the evil CEO. And he isn’t some kind of hot shot smart guy, the villain you love to hate, he is just a little meek nobody who can’t even throw a rock far away enough and would still hurt his hand. Clutching that axe like it will give him some otherworldly strength instead of being heavy enough that he won’t be able to actually swing it. He can’t fight so he has a full team of guys armed to the teeth to do it for him, he isn’t smart enough to do his own research. Has zero sad backstory, a clue about why he is doing all this. Maybe he is just, I don’t know, a little dick who wants money and power. He also dies. Good riddance.

That Keane guy was obviously more muscle than brain, his only purpose was to do as he was told because, let’s be honest, he was nothing more than a lap dog with an ugly bite. Thankfully he died too, and in such a satisfying way, I had tears in my eyes. He got what he deserved for killing Nicky. No sympathy to bad guys.

So yeah. This is the end. If anyone actually read it, you’re a hero. I kinda lost my thought process at the end but uhm. Thanks for reading.

#The old guard #what is this brain vomit here #i dont know #but i worked so hard on it so here it is anyway

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1087

survey by tigerfan1205

Name 5 people that are very important to you. Other than my dad, mom, and Angela, I can’t think of anyone else. Andi’s a very close friend but they’re not necessarily I’d-take-a-bullet-for-them levels yet.

Do you like eating chocolate covered cherries or strawberries? I don’t like fruits, so no. I like chocolate-covered unhealthy stuff though, hahah.

What does your 9th text say in your outbox? Ughhhh I remember this tab being in my old cellphones but I can’t quite remember if this is referring to texts I’ve sent, or my drafts. Anyway, my phone doesn’t store text drafts and I can no longer recall my 9th last sent text.

Ever had a really scary dream? Tell me about it. I’ve had loads of nightmares but my least favorites have always been the ones where someone I love is shot and they had to pass away in my arms. Out of all my scary dreams, those are the ones that send me crying in my sleep/as soon as I wake up.

Where is the coolest place you've been on vacation? Vigan was great because it really felt like visiting a 17th-century town. Singapore and Shanghai were also fun because it felt cool going to places much richer than ours and getting to interact with technologies that we will never get to have here HAHA

Would you rather have salad or french fries for a side dish? Erm, unless the salad has spicy tuna in it, fries all the way please.

Ever been to California? Did you like it? No. Idk, it’s not the first place on my list if I am to visit the US though. Places in the East Coast and the Midwest personally appeal more to me - and I’m fully aware it’s because they’re well-known for being passionate wrestling hubs.

What's your favorite thing about the town you live in? I live right smack on the boundary between the more urban sprawl of Manila and the quieter, more peaceful and quaint mountain part of my city. It’s very easy to access either depending on what I’m in the mood for.

Do you like Mexican food? What's your favorite dish to eat? It’s great, but not my top favorite cuisine. My favorite dishes would have to be fajitas and chimichangas.

Favorite kind of pizza is? Quattro formaggi all the wayyyy. You’ll never see me ordering anything else.

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? If so, how long have you been dating? No.

Any brothers or sisters? Do they make you mad? I have one of each. My sister will sometimes piss me off, but it dies down quick. My brother did something unforgivable to me two years ago so that’s how long I have been constantly mad at him.

Are you nosy? Eh, sometimes? For the most part I know my place though. I let people share the amount they’re willing to, and very rarely do I try to pry.

Ever been to a bar? What was it like? Sure, had my fair share of favorites too when going out was still a normal thing. For me, bars are the best if I’m with the right mix of people. If I’m in a crowd I’m not necessarily close with, it can definitely dampen the experience as I will only be feeling awkward. The people in the bar will sometimes be a factor too – I will most likely feel annoyed if I’m somewhere that’s clearly populated by high schoolers or college freshies as they can get super rambunctious and loud.

Are you old enough to drink? Yes, have been for the last 4 (almost 5) years.

What's your favorite kind of flower? I enjoy looking at peonies.

Would you rather have pasta or chicken? Right now, probs chicken - preferably chicken wings because that sounds the most fucking yummmmmm rn. We’ve been having pasta a bit too much at home so it would’t hurt to skip it for now.

Have you ever dated someone, but made them not tell anyone about it? Yeah. Gabie and I got back together in our final months of high school. We were about to graduate and it was crucial we kept our record clean so that the school won’t strip us of our diploma and prohibit us from marching (it was Catholic school, sooo homophobia and stuff). Because of that, we had to keep it secret for about a month and a half. As soon as I got home from the ceremony and my family dinner, I shared the news on social media. So I didn’t exactly make her keep it secret - it was a mutual understanding.

What's the meanest thing you have done to a friend? I honestly can’t recall a time i deliberately set out to be an ass to someone I considered a friend. The one thing I can recall was accidentally misgendering Andi when I was still getting used to their pronouns, but I didn’t do it on purpose.

Have you ever kissed anybody with the name starting with a C or R? No. Those are my initials though, ha.

Why did you and your last ex break up? She wasn’t ready, she wasn’t down for commitment, and she felt suffocated having only been in a relationship throughout her late teen and early adult years. She really made herself sound like such a victim and she made it sound like commitment is the biggest sin, and so I blamed myself a lot during the first few months of our breakup; but I’ve since made a conscious effort to turn my mindset around and convince myself that I’m not at fault. Bye gaslighters.

Have you ever had a really bad fight with a best friend? Angela and I only had petty fights and our last one was in like 5th grade. Gab and I got into heavy arguments, but only when we were in a relationship and never as friends.

Do you like spaghetti? It’s okay. I like other types of pasta better.

Which color: orange or red? Red.

Do you know any songs by Katy Perry? Do you like her music? She’s...popular lmao, so yeah I know a good number of her songs. She’s in the middle for me; some songs I really enjoy, like E.T., Dark Horse, and Thinking of You (a personal fave); and there are some that didn’t grow on me as much, like Wide Awake and that awful Christmas song she recently released.

Ever had a near death experience? I suppose. My almost-car crash is the event I always cite.

Which number: 5 or 19? 19, for no reason whatsoever.

What's your favorite song by Taylor Swift? Why is that your favorite? Wildest Dreams; it meant a lot to me on a personal level for a time; right now it’s kinda doing it again for me. From her newest album, I really like dorothea also because it’s a bit relevant to my life at the moment.

Pick one: apples or oranges? I guess oranges. I don’t like fruits but I’m more likely to take a liking to orange-flavored stuff, like juice or chewy candies.

Do you know anybody named George or Bob? I don’t think so.

What do you like better, being single or in a relationship? Why is that? I like being in a relationship; commitment comes easy to me and I love looking out for a significant other, supporting them in their dreams, and generally just having someone to focus on, build a future with, and spoil. Being single hasn’t been bad and I guess I won’t mind if I never found someone; but in the grand scheme of things it’s really nice to be able to love someone.

Are you close with your mother? Not really but our relationship isn’t as strained as it used to be.

Have you ever dated someone named Kyle? Nope.

If you still go to school, who sits next to you in your fifth period? I can’t remember the last time I had five classes in a day, lol.

Who was the last person to ring your doorbell/knock on your door? I think it was my mom, earlier this morning when she arrived back home from her daily jog.

Does anything on you itch right now? Yeah actually; the opposite elbow got itchy just now.

If the last person you kissed came to your house now, what would you say? “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

If your ex called you crying, what would it most likely be about? I have no clue, and she would never do that so I literally can’t imagine even a hypothetical reason for this. It has to be a super serious situation, likeeeeeee idk, maybe a death. *knocks on wood aggressively*

Who was the best kisser out of all the people you have kissed? I’ve only kissed one person, so can’t compare.

Name everyone you have texted today. This media guy celebrating his birthday today so I had to ask him for his details so we could send him a gift, as well as the contact person for the cake shop that we got in touch with to order said gift for the birthday celebrant.

Who was the last person you spoke to for over 5 minutes over the telephone? Maybe my grandma when she called a few months ago.

How many times have you went to the bathroom today? Around three times total, I think.

Who do you currently live with? My dad, mom, Nina, my brother, Kimi, and Cooper.

What do you like better: sour or sweet candy? Sweeeeeeet. No sour anything for me, thanks.

Have you ever been told that you have an annoying laugh? No but I hope this isn’t an actual thing people say to other people. They can think others’ laugh is annoying, but I think it’s one of those things that you can just try to get over and is unnecessary to raise lol.

#survey #surveys

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nisaadventures · 4 years

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I’m turning 30 in 10 days... yikes.

The last year of my life has sucked... lol. Okay, it wasn’t all bad. I’m exaggerating... but I’m also not. I know there were plenty of nice moments in the last year... but when I think about the last year of my life, its just full of so many firsts... awful firsts...

First time celebrating their birthdays without them...

First holiday season without them... anyone else miss mom’s turkey? Most people don’t like traditional thanksgiving dinner because the turkey is more often dry... mom’s was never dry... Okay the key people.. Don’t actually cook your stuffing in the turkey. Its just going to suck all the juice life out of your bird... I mean come on. Trick #1 stuff the turkey with fresh cut oranges and yes, you can leave the skin on... #2 do majority of the oven time in an oven bag to keep the moisture in. #3 cook breasts down. Its the part thats usually most dry, so duh... keep it in the juicy, buttery goodness of the pan. I never made the entire meal, I usually just helped mom with everything. These are just some things I’ve taken away in my observations.

Halloween trip to Disneyland without them... Disney is always a good time, but I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t feel heavy in some way... and that is saying something because Disneyland is my happy place lol.

Looking forward to 2020... Hoping that it had so much better in store for us.

Dear lord... what a joke.

Going to Hawaii for our “family trip” without them...

A pandemic without them... I mean yes, I’m thankful they aren’t out there with COVID on the rise... I’m glad they’re not stuck at home because COVID. Mom and Michael are both too much of busy bees to be cooped up in the house for too long.

Not going to lie... picking up where they left has been hard. All of moms plants... The dogs.. Taking care of the backyard, where Michael usually would. Mom would definitely do too much at once. She’d be out in the yard planting something and pulling out something else in her damn UGG boots! wth mom?! Those are expensive! lol. “Oh its fine.. I’ll wash them.” Omg lol. Either that, or she’d be over here trying to move heavy a$$ pots by herself and I’d have to stop her before she hurt her back. Ayiyi.

Keanu and Aria’s birthdays without them... seeing my babies sad and missing their grandma, grandpa, and aunties has been hard. It will be out of nowhere sometimes... and all the nights of Aria waking up in the middle of the night crying. I feel you baby girl... I get it. I miss them too... Its okay to be sad... Mantras...

You were her little rays of sunshine. Grandpa and grandma loved you SOOOO much.

Mom would babysit the kids on Saturday mornings, while Kuya, Vaness, and I went to workout. They’d go get breakfast, pancakes and eggs, at UJs. She’d take them to Target, the dollar store, Walmart, etc. just so they could look and maybe get something to play with together. She always crafted with them.

Living in this house... especially with COVID... has been hard. I miss just sitting at the dinner table, eating sho mi, and talking about work. Mom and Michael getting all worked up over some crazy manager, or something going down with the union.. yup, that’s where I get it from... advocacy and leadership skills FTW. One thing they could always talk about for HOURS was work lol.

I remember when I was a little girl, Mom would let me play in the bathtub until I was all wrinkled. She would let me bring all my toys into the tub. At one point I even had a care bear doll that she, for some reason, let me take in the bath lol. She’d throw it in the dryer for me after I was done.

I remember going to the grocery store with mom and leaving with two full a$$ grocery carts because we had a full house at all times. I mean it was Kuya, my cousin Jojo, my brother Derric, my cousin John, Bubba, my cousin Jay, me and whoever else was over the house lol. When Kuya was in high school, it was all of his buddies partying at our house and crashing on the floor in the living room, dining room, and all the couches. She was the #1 host for sure.

“Are you hungry? Did you eat yet?”

Thats love.

All of Kuya’s high school friends called her Mom. My friends called her Mama Fern. She loved that.

I remember playing hide n go seek in the dark in our tiny town house.. Later in the bigger house on Glenbriar... where mom actually tripped and broke her arm... But she laughed so hard she peed her pants, so she was a good sport? lol. Needless to say, we sort of stopped playing after that.

I remember making dim sum with mom for the first time. Such a hot mess, flour and food everywhere, but so fun. We definitely didn’t do that again until there were more adults around to help lol. Mom knew how to run through a kitchen like a tornado. Hot mess! but the best cook.

Mom was always careful. She always wanted to make sure we were safe, that I was safe. I couldn’t go outside unless one of the boys was with me. When I would swim she would get nervous, even though I learned how to swim at a young age thanks to Kuya. One day, we were having a bbq, lots of family over, I was playing in the jacuzzi (drawing on the wall of the jacuzzi with a piece of chlorine... don’t play with chemicals kids lol) and she thought I was drowning? So she jumps her a$$ in there fully clothed and yanks my a$$ out. I was shocked as hell, so I naturally started crying hella hard and complaining about the fact that she scratched me when she yanked me up out of the water lol.

Keep in mind that that was not the first time one of the twins jumped into the pool fully clothed to “save” someone hahaha.

Speaking of fully clothed in the pool... The time auntie tripped and fell slo-mo style (that questionable, are you going to catch your balance, speed) into the pool LOL. Mom was dead laughing at her. Most hilarious video.

Those twins lol.

Jeeze.. speaking of the twins. They had this crazy connection. Tell me why when mom got sick with suspected viral meningitis and had to be hospitalized... Auntie straight up followed her right into the ICU with viral meningitis...

Who remembers their 50th birthday? Talk about doing it BIG. So much fun. All the performances. Lani was there... KMA performances and kuya and John getting down for Maglalatik. Who doesn’t like seeing some half naked, buff dudes, bang coconuts together? haha. The twins getting down with their hula performance. Cute!

I remember when Mom and pops were going through their divorce and she would text me after midnight. I was going to Sac State and of course I was team NO sleep at the time. I would be in the AIRC studying. I’d comfort as best as I could from a distance... and then come home on weekends to be there with her when I could.

She found her footing again. Started going to the gym with Kuya more... Started running all the time... all of her half marathons and finally she did the Nike Women’s Marathon.

Hiking Half Dome with her. What.a.badass.

That is really how I see her. She was so badass. When she was my age she had my 9 year old Kuya and I was on the way... She was working and supporting us and then eventually decided to make a better life for us, and went back to school... NURSING SCHOOL. wth. I can’t even imagine doing that right now, but reminding myself of where she has been and how much she PUT IN WORK... That keeps me grounded in the fact that we are responsible for our lives. If you want something, you have to work for it. You can’t just hope for better... you make better happen.

I guess its that reminder... her strength... her and Michael’s love and hard work... That keeps me going.

Being mindful... being thankful... acknowledging my own strength...

But with that said... August has been increasingly hard. I don’t like to think about my birthday. I don’t even want to plan anything. They’re not here... I can’t celebrate with all my loved ones and friends. Thank you COVID...

We’re just getting closer and closer to the anniversary? Nah.. lets not call it that... anniversary sounds like something nice... something to celebrate... This is NOT that. The day your loved ones are taken is not something to celebrate... I mean honestly, if I had to pinpoint the worst day of my life, that was it.... When I think about that day I can’t breathe. Terrible memories... so many sleepless nights. I’ve come so far. Its still hard, but I’ve come a long way.

Anyway... this post is sort of random and nostalgic. Things I hold onto. Things that make me happy cry... Things that weigh heavy on my heart.

Here’s my playlist for grief... reminders of them... collected over the last year:

Aloha for now -Kaleo Vai & Passion

One day at a time -Jennifer Chung

In the end - Gabe Bondoc, Melissa Polinar, Passion

Round and around -Kolohe Kai

Fade Away -Rebelution

Alive -The Green

New Day -Kimie’

Angels above me -Stick Figure

Memories -Maroon 5

Wish you pain -Andy Grammer

100 -Katchafire

Everyday life -Coldplay

Out of the darkness -Isla vista worship, Bre Reed

Amen -Andra Day

Grateful -13 Crowns feat. Poo Bear

Rainbow Connection -Gwen Stefani

Be okay -ZOE worship

With you -Eryn Allen Kane

Dont worry -Mesto feat. Aloe Blacc

Just livin’ -Sensi trails, Kbong

Remember me -Miguel, Natalia Lafourcade

Even more -Major

Let it be -Xav A.

Give Thanks -Iya terra, Stick figure

Mr. Sun -Sammy Johnson

Rest easy -Thrive, Nico of Tribal Theory

Sunny Days- Allen Stone

Today’s a new day -Common Kings

Mother’s Love -Jonah Jaxon, Micah G

The bones -Maren Morris, Hozier

Give you blue -Allen Stone

And we remain -Johnnyswim

Yellow -Kina Grannis

Streetcar -Daniel Caesar

Meant to be -Bebe Rexha, Florida georgia line

All you need to know -Gryffin, slander, Calle Lehmann

Like I’m gonna lose you -Jasmine Thompson

#ohanaovereverything #threeoh #grief #memories #family #loss

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coolpolarbear123 · 4 years

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Band Camp Day 5

i’m not jared, 19

August 16th, 2020

<< 5

I’m e x h a u s t e d:

Late start today! 10 am!

Though we don’t usually have band camp on the Sunday, this year is different

Senior prank: wrap the gates in plastic wrap, put a tree at the top of the tower, and BAM it’s Christmas

When I got to the field, people were wishing me happy birthday, and then EVERYONE SANG TO ME

People have been wishing me happy birthday all day <3

“so are you 21 now?”

Ahahaha no I’m babey I’m 20

Did some basic band block

Then he made us march diagonally????

I guess I understand why but I don’t like it

We have to do a lot more block drill this year to stay socially distant, so marching diagonally is a lot more important now

We also did these little cube marching things? I don’t know how to describe them, but we got into groups of four, each started at a corner, and marched four steps to each corner, rotating counterclockwise

Cute

He had four of the drill instructors demonstrate it, and while he was figuring it out, those four led us in the chicken dance

He saw a cop and made his megaphone make a siren noise because he thinks it’s the most hilarious joke

It’s not

Then we got into the block at the end of pregame, and he kept making us do things “just to see how it’d go” like dude

Just

Save it for halftime idk

Then we grabbed our chairs and got into rehearsal block

Somehow we grabbed a chair for kitty who wasn’t even there??? None of us know how we did that

Played a song none of us knew how to, lots of jokes

“I hate it, but I’d still rather play it than On Wisconsin”

Broke into sectionals because it was sounding so bad, except it was 11:42 and we end at noon, and it takes us 5 minutes to walk to our tree and back so???

Called my mom during sectionals and we played her a lovely Bb scale

That’s something we did yesterday during sectionals: any time someone visited us, we played the most god awful, high-pitched Bb scale we could

Practiced the song a bit (it’s “In The Stone” by Earth, Wind, and Fire), then my grandma called, so I sat out to talk to her and let her sing happy birthday for me

Back to full band, where our band director said “play it perfectly and I’ll let you go to lunch” like haha funny joke

We also were the last section to get there, and he was like, “it’s like a herd of piccolos!”

So I added a tally of course

Lunch

Dome rehearsal! Today’s dress up theme was section colors, and we chose white

We did a lot of block band, and it was just a lot of figuring out how it all works, the echoing, etc

There was a point where my side of the block heard something wrong, so we tried again, and the other side of the block heard it wrong

We had to change the command rip

We did a playing rehearsal, and since the piccs are in the back, and we’ve never been in the back before, that was a trainwreck for a hot second

We figured it out because we’re Smart

Then we had a break!

I don’t have wi-fi at my apartment, so I was answering birthday snapchats and stuff when our band director came up behind me, looked at the picc section and said, “kids and their technology these days…”

So we all stopped and stared at him, not knowing what to say, so he continued, “Do you guys even know each other?”

Do we KNOW EACH OTHER?

FIVE OF US LIVE TOGETHER

WE DID A DEATH HIKE TOGETHER

WE’VE DONE B O N D I N G

IN THE WORDS OF ONE OF OUR FRESHMEN, “WE’RE SO AWESOME [FRESHMEN SHE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH] WAS CONSIDERING QUITTING AND ISN’T ANYMORE”

L I K E

S H U T U P O L D M A N

And then he doesn’t walk away, no, he says, “Is [section leader] treating you alright?”

And we kinda hummed, we’re still Super Stunned so there isn’t a lot of noise happening

“how about [drill instructor]?” *proceeds to make fun of drill instructor’s name*

He has never known her name

We were l o s i n g it

Making eye contact with each other, the full shebang

He finally walked away and we fully lost our entire sh*t

The best part is that our section leader wasn’t even there, so we had to inform her of what happened

Break ended, marched pregame a bunch, and I don’t remember too much happening? He recorded us at one point so we can watch ourselves

He said “drumline, all those compliments I gave you earlier are out the window now,” and insulted them, so there’s that

When we ended rehearsal, it took him forever to get down from the bleachers, so we sang the jeapordy theme song

Drumline got the spirit stick, not that you guys know what that means, but lemme tell you: he always gives a small speech before awarding it, trying not to give the section away, and you’re supposed to gather clues from that speech

But I knew before he even opened his mouth who it was going to, because this man has a pattern, and the spirit stick is always awarded to the drum line during band camp

The sophomores led us in the alma mater and the fight song, and I was in the front, so I didn’t notice anything wrong, but apparently it was a trainwreck for the people in the back

Ngl I didn’t feel remorse because I was in the back the first time and it was a trainwreck for us, too

I feel like there’s stuff I’m forgetting, but I can’t think of any of it, so I guess I’ll just edit these posts as I think of it

15 shots of water, 5 of which were added when our band director was talking at the end of rehearsal, and 4 when he was talking to just the piccs (I rounded 6 to 10)

Thanks for reading! Band camp was short, there’s no football, I love my section, and yeah! That’s a wrap on junior year of band camp!

#I'll go back and edit this with links later #band camp #2k20 bc adventures #marching band #band #rant #cbc #cpb speaks

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sieshedsit · 4 years

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2020– the year of endless road blocks.

Let’s start with the shitty parts of this year...

Roadblocks or excuses? Perhaps both. This year has been tough. The year started out with putting my grandparents in a nursing home. My grandma is was first. Then we finally convinced my grandpa that he needed to go to assisted living. I won’t go into all the deep details... but dementia sucks. Watching your grandparents get old sucks. My grandparents are my world. They raised me until I was nearly 11 and are like my parents and they’ve always considered me a daughter. It’s been especially rough with COVID-19. They are in the same facility but different wings so they currently can’t see each other and it is making them both so depressed. It’s a constant stressor for me. I am always worried about their mental and physical health. I have recurring nightmares about them. I’m trying my best to just be supportive and realize there’s nothing I can do right now but that and to let it be until this COVID-19 situation fizzles out.

COVID-19 hit right before we moved my grandpa into a facility. We all know how much the ‘Rona has made things suck more. We are our friends and family less, or less at a time. Lots of things we look forward to have been cancelled. Weddings have been moved or made smaller. Parties and concerts have been cancelled. Trips cancelled. Hawkeye football cancelled. MLB is a joke. All things that we look forward to during the spring and summer and fall months. This has greatly contributed to my depression. I often times feel like I don’t have anything to look forward to for a very long time.

In April, I got the horrific news that my dad’s best friend (who has been like my second dad my entire life) was murdered by his own wife (who has also been in my life for over 15 years). For me it was not only a total shock to hear but also the feeling of “how the fuck is this happening to me AGAIN?” For those of you who don’t know me well, one of my dear friends was murdered in 2015. It was awful. The grieving process has been everything but easy. So receiving this information was like a horrible nightmare all over again. Not only did I start reliving Andrea’s death but now another tragic and traumatic desth. It was crippling. And honestly, I’m still not okay. I’m not grieving properly. It’s hard knowing someone who was an important part of my life killed someone else who was an even more important part of my life. It’s mind-blowing that his body laid there for days before he was known to be dead. We didn’t get to say goodbye. We still haven’t had a celebration of life. It’s like my grief is on pause. I hate everything about that. It still affects my every day life. I don’t know when or if we will have answers to his death and that really affects my ability to accept it. I miss him so much and my heart is torn to shreds over how much my dad is hurting.

In June, I changed my whole career plan. When COVID-19 hit, I was a full time student in a mortuary science program and working full time at a funeral home. My school pulled me out of all funeral related activities for credit because they didn’t want to be held liable if we got COVID. I also wasn’t working as the funeral home I worked for was on limited staffing due to all the COVID restrictions. So I was essentially unemployed from March until the beginning of this month (August). I had already lost my drive to be a funeral director due to things I’d experience through my funeral home that I won’t go into detail about. The death of Brody also greatly affected my drive. With the combination of all those things I decided that I need to enter the work force. I’ve been in school for so long and never found something I truly loved so here I am back working full time in claims work which I due truly enjoy.

Alright enough of the depressing shit here’s some positives..

In May, I got engaged. It was the best day. It gave me something positive in a year full of negatives. Nick proposed at the lake house and we were surrounded by our roommate, two of our best friends, his parents, and my dad. I’m still so in love and so excited to marry him. He truly is the man of my dreams.

In August (now), I started a new job in claims work again and so far I’m really loving it! The company is fun and caring and very successful. Nick and I have also decided to buy a bigger house. With the derecho that hit (if you don’t know what that is please google Iowa Derecho and check out the Cedar Rapids damage, it’s devastating and they still need SO much help) we’ve had a hard time selling our house. I think people who were looking may no longer be because of damage sustained to their homes or homes of their families. I know this isn’t the end of the world, but it still sucks. But I’m so grateful we were only without power for 20 hours and our house and vehicles are completely fine. We are blessed and lucky.

I’m honestly blanking on more positives. I’m sure there are a few more, but it’s Monday and I’m mentally exhausted lol.

Alright, Sierra, what’s all this rambling have to do with your weight loss journey?

Everything, actually. Food is my coping mechanism. Sometimes it’s just eating crappy and others it’s bingeing. With that being said, I’ve been doing what I’ve done my whole life and diving into being healthy and then something happening and I give up. Is this an excuse or a roadblock? The answer is yes. Haha. Although let’s be honest, they’re more of excuses. Grief sucks. Bad things happen and that sucks. Sometimes everything sucks. But the thing is... we can let it suck and complain about how much it sucks and sulk OR we can rise up and do better and be thankful and do whatever we can to make the best of those situations. This is something I’m working on. With the negative things.. I’ve been binging and eating crappy as mentioned. I am at my highest weight of 267 lbs yet again. I feel disgusting. I can hardy look at myself in the mirror. I have little motivation to do anything. I have hardly went anywhere unless I don’t have to dress up or it’s people I see all the time and even then it takes a lot for me not to bail because I’m embarrassed to be seen. Yeah this is pretty real and raw.

Last night, my fiancé and I had a very deep talk. He gave me some great advice. He’s always so supportive of me and truly wants the best. I expressed to him all these awful feelings I’ve had about myself and that I want to change. I want to be healthy. I want to workout. I want to lose weight. I want to wear normal clothes. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. What he said to me was:

Do you want to do it or are you going to do it?

He’s right. I’ve been wanting these things or trying these things but not DOING them. Yoda said it best when he said:

Do or do not, there is no try

So. I’m doing the damn thing. Today I started tracking my macros and water again. I will be working out again following Strong Daily with my Coach Maddie. You can find a link at the bottom of my blog.

I am still currently wanting weight loss surgery. I have to follow a diet and exercise regimen that is physician supervised for insurance purposes for 6 months. In these 6 months, I will work my ass off. If I am happy with my progress and results and no longer feel surgery is necessary to help me, I won’t get it. But for now I’m following the plan to get there. I’m working on my mental health. I’m a mess right now and I don’t want to be. I will do something for myself every single day to help in that journey and will be beginning therapy again as soon as I can. If you’ve read this whole post of rambling, thank you.

Peace&&Love

Sierra

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