#just. hurts a lot rn i need to cry or sleep or something and hopefully ill be able to convince myself its fine in the morning

[nakunakunomi]

Why I am less active ~ again ~

Cw: mental health // selfshipping // spoilers [One Piece]

Might delete this later, but I am having a moment and I honestly do not know where else to post this without coming across as annoying or weird or whatever.

Please DO NOT REBLOG.

So, it's been an emotional week or two, I have been sick because of sleep deprivation on top of it all and I am pretty sure shark week is coming up, so I am being an emotional mess right now. I won't bother y'all with the details, cause frankly, they don't matter. But I can feel my mental health just spiraling down and I have no way to stop it. It'll soon be the summer holiday, and hopefully I will have some time to recuperate.

Anyway, that's not what it is about here. This is about the most recent OP chapter leaks, altho by now it might actually be out (idk, I usually actually don't follow the manga *this* closely). If you're not there and you don't want to be spoiled then please consider this your final warning to stop reading.

So, in the final chapter Ashura and Izo died. Now... I have not been following super closely, and I am not even sure why I checked the spoilers earlier. I know it's fictional characters, trust me, I am 10000% aware. And yet. Izo's death has hit me a little harder than I expected.

For the past 2 years, he's been my main comfort character and I was actively selfshipping with him. Not so much on Tumblr because I am too self-aware and insecure to throw it out in the open like that, but on discord, among friends, and in some little writings that I never shared up here.

Selfshipping has been a great comfort while I figure out what is wrong with me mental health wise. It's been a great tool to figure out what I look for IRL relationships, hell it's been a help figuring out my sexuality, all in a safe online environment, helping me reflect on the real life that's not online. It's been a great comfort whenever I feel insecure, a source of humor to look back onto on bad days, just a very nice coping mechanism for when the depresso hits hard.

It's nothing new that a comfort character dies, it's almost a running meme that 90% of my comfort characters don't make the end of whatever medium they're part of and usually I handle it pretty well. An emotional reaction at the moment I see/read/hear it happen, and maybe some exaggerated online outrage, then some memes and acceptance, 5 stages of grief, but make it funny kinda thing.

But for some reason, this hit super hard? Be it hormones, depression, the fact that my real life is having some struggles at the moment... it just was the figurative drop that made the bucket spill (is that how you say it in English?) and I have been crying some real human tears over non real characters.

I had planned a tiny break while being on weekend with my students and wanted to get back to writing (especially for the summer event and OP bingo) the moment I got home. Instead I kinda got teary eyed and shut my laptop again. My head just fills with Angsty thoughts, and while those are all fun and games whenever I am in a good place, now is not the moment for it. So I am taking a little break again, I am extremely sorry.

I *will* get over it, and will do what any other fanfic writer does in situations like this: ignore canon and move on. But for now it kinda hurts and I feel silly even admitting to it.

Anyway. I just needed to let that out, writing down my feelings is somewhat cathartic and I am running out of tissues, so I had to try something else. I am not even sure if many people will read this because my range has been a little less again lately, but I just had to get it off my chest? Sorry for making you read this entire rambling wall of text if you're still reading. I am not even sure if I am making any sense at all.

Signing off with loads of love, and drink a lot of water, be gentle for yourself, it's what I am doing rn as well. ♡

Love, Hazel

Ps: please don't reblog, invalidate my feelings cause the characters are not real or if you don't like selfshipping. Anything negative said, I'll just block.

#mental health #depression tw #selfshipping #one piece spoilers #rant #personal #rambles #hazel speaks #hazel is feeling emotional #prolly delete later #am sorry

[dragonji]

uh oh im having an introspective night :fear:

#j.txt #felt not great starting thinking about how impermanent all of my relationships have been and how i dont know how to break that pattern 🙃 #dont get me wrong i care so much about the ppl im friends with but. my track record with meaningful friendships is abyssmal and it hurts lo #the person im closest to in the world to the point where i gen consider them my brother i havent really spent time with in 2yrs #i used to know him better than i knew myself and its. not fun to realize i dont anymore but obv im not gonna bring that up to him #and just thinking back i have 2 friends irl at this point and both of them ive known since high school so 5ish years #while the longest friendship ive had was ~7yrs and we just.. stopping talking and im so scared thats how all my relationships will go #i try not to make a big deal of it but im like. constantly and overwhelmingly lonely all the time and i dont know how to stop it #shaking i just want to be Known and Understood without feeling like a burden #just. hurts a lot rn i need to cry or sleep or something and hopefully ill be able to convince myself its fine in the morning #vent #dont rb #negative

[professional-idiocy]

On Thin Ice - pt. 3

Yeah yeah, I’m slow with stuff. In my defense test week was a bitch and math SUCKS. Especially when you have to deal with this sadistic program called ViLLE that’s supposed be “helpful” with teaching math. If you ever see that name run for the hills. 

Pt. 1, Pt. 2 - Next

Taglist: @cupcakes-and-pain, @whoopsalittlewhumpy, @uncooly-supreme-whump 

TW: Mentions drowning and burns. Colby is a huge mess with a lot of issues with self-worth. Also torture cause Rosa is a bitch

Kevin didn’t know what to think. He was sitting on his couch with a sleeping villain snuggled close. He sighed continuing to pet Colby’s hair. At least he didn’t hate him. If he’d just gotten lost earlier Colby wouldn’t have been tortured for months.

He was in way over his head. He didn’t know anything about treating injuries. He’d just copied something he’d seen on TV! He was severely underqualified for this. He was a journalist, he wrote articles, he wasn’t exactly the best for whatever this situation was.

He needed to think. He had a person who’d been tortured. He had evidence of the injuries and the condition he’d found Colby in. He also had evidence it was a hero who’d done this.

He needed to get a doctor to look at Colby. That would definitely be important. Where would he even find a doctor? Especially someone who wouldn’t mind Colby was a villain…

Selena! That was it. She had a doctor friend who would probably be willing to help them. He took out his phone being careful to not wake up Colby continuing to softly pet his hair.

Kevin frowned when some dried blood got stuck in his hand. It made him feel horrible, his sister had done all this. His sister had tortured someone. It made him feel nauseous. Rosa had always stood up and protected him as a kid, but to do this to another person was horrifying…

Enough.

First, he’ll help Colby, and later he needed to ask his sister to explain why he would hurt Colby. Right now the best way to help Colby was to get a doctor here.

He sent Selena a message. He really hoped it wouldn’t go south.

Hey, I’m a pickle right now. Would your doctor friend be willing to help a villain?

I kinda took one in. He was tortured by a hero. Please don’t tell anyone. He’s really fragile rn. Also tell her I’m also willing to pay

Soon enough Selena responded, easing his worries.

You mean Ellie?

Knowing her she will gladly help, especially if the patient is a villain. I blame “the cat” for that.

I’ll text her number tomorrow once I’ve given her a heads up.

It’s 10pm so try to sleep

Kevin sighed in relief. Everything went well and he was also getting tired. He should definitely sleep while he had the chance. The couch was decently comfortable, and he really didn’t want to wake Colby up. He yawned softly while Colby clung to him, sleeping contently.

Kevin shot up hearing a soft yelp combined with a thud. He scanned the room only to find Colby on the floor trembling while crying.

“I’m sorry. I- I didn’t mean to fall asleep, a- and I’m sorry for waking you up. I didn’t mean to. Please- please believe me I’m sorry” Colby begged kneeling on the floor. Kevin frowned muttering curses under his breath. Rosa had done a number on him and he hated it.

“It’s fine, you aren’t in trouble. I know you must be really stressed but believe me you aren’t in trouble” Kevin said as softly as possible, hoping to get a more positive reaction out of Colby, which it did. Well, to some extent. He fearfully waited before sniffing and wiping away tears.

“I’m sorry”

“I know. Do you wanna get onto the couch for me?” Kevin said softly, trying to get the terrified villain to trust him.

“I can stay on the floor, sir” Kevin frowned at that but as soon as he showed even a hint of displeasure Colby seemed to freeze in fear. He quickly scooped Colby up before sitting him on the couch.

“There you go. It’s much better, right?” Kevin asked as Colby nodded still keeping an eye on him, worried he’d done something wrong.

“I’m going to go make breakfast. Do you have any allergies?” Colby shook his head as Kevin smiled softly petting his hair, which he seemed to enjoy a lot. If leaning into the touch was anything to go by. He got up, leaving for the kitchen, doing his best to ignore how sad Colby looked, making him feel like he’d just abandoned a kitten.

He sighed once he was sure Colby wouldn’t hear or see him. This was going to be a lot of work, but Colby was adorable. First, he needed food for both, then get Colby to take a bath, call Ellie and ask if she could come and take a look at Colby.

Sandwiches would do, right? It’s not like he had anything else here, he was supposed to go to the store yesterday, but Colby had kinda ruined that plan, besides he can just order takeout. He smiled at the sandwiches, they looked like crap. He wasn’t the best in the kitchen, but it would have to do for now.

Colby really didn’t know what to think. Kevin had been so nice even when he’d done something wrong. Miss Rosa would’ve never forgiven him for assuming anything. Instead, Kevin had gently pet his hair and now was making breakfast. He really wanted to know how he needed to repay it all.

He jumped back to awareness when Kevin came back with four sandwiches on two different plates. He tilted his head curiously as Kevin smiled handing him a plate. He held onto the plate confused as Kevin sat next to him eating. Colby mimicked his actions before carefully taking a bite out of the sandwich.

He couldn’t help but to smile. It was amazing and tasted so good! He really wanted to repay him already. If he didn’t, he would be horrible and selfish. He gulped the sandwich down before carefully turning to Kevin. He didn’t know what Kevin wanted for this. He froze as Kevin just pet his hair smiling softly. It was nice.

Colby took the other sandwich, carefully trying to stuff it on Kevin’s plate. Maybe Kevin would like it if he gave him the food back? He was full anyway and didn’t deserve this much. Kevin smiled as Colby finally got the sandwich to fit.

“Are you full already?” Kevin asked softly and Colby nodded. He smiled taking the sandwich and putting it back on Colby’s plate, much to his surprise, but he didn’t hopefully let it show.

“You know you can save the sandwich for later. You don’t need to give it to me” Colby let his expression slip into one of surprise before nodding. So that wouldn’t work. He couldn’t just give his food to Kevin. So, he needed to find another way to repay him for the mercy he’d been shown.

“I- I can take care of the dishes” Colby said, trembling softly. He needed- no he wanted to be useful.

“It’s fine. I’ll take care of it, after I’ve prepared a bath for you and then we’ll check on the wounds” Kevin said as Colby nodded quickly before he could hesitate. Kevin got up leaving for what Colby assumed was the bathroom.

He sat on the couch, mind racing through all the scenarios. A bath meant water and Kevin could use water to hurt him in so many ways. Kevin could hold his head underwater and he knew he was too weak to resist. Cold water could cause shock and hypothermia, but if the water was too hot, he’d be burned.

He deserved it though, unlike the people he’d hurt for Alaric. He was just doing as ordered but he’d hurt people. He didn’t even remember their names or faces. They were all just people Alaric had wanted information from.

Miss Rosa was right.

He really was a monster.

A simple “Are you alright?” broke through his thoughts making him snap into attention. No-one had asked that before. It made him feel warm and fuzzy.

“I mean, you were crying just now” Kevin said softly as Colby blinked before quickly wiping the tears away.

“I’m fine” he whispered weakly as his voice escaped him. Kevin smiled ruffling his hair. Maybe he just needed to be small and cute for Kevin? He did seem to like it when he snuggled close. It that was the case, he really didn’t mind the warmth and closeness of another person.

“Alright then. I got the bath ready, but do you need help? I mean you can barely walk” Kevin asked awkwardly as Colby watched him carefully.

“I can’t put much weight on my legs, but I’ll be fine. You don’t have to waste your time with me”

“Alright” Kevin said picking Colby up who clung to him in surprise “I already prepared everything and left clothes you can borrow” Colby nodded clinging to Kevin in confusion. He didn’t really know what Kevin wanted and it was best to not speculate too much. He knew for a fact Kevin wanted him to be entertaining thanks to Miss Rosa’s clue since he’d be returned when he became boring.

He needed to avoid that.

Kevin sighed taking a sip out of his tea. He really didn’t know a thing about this. He’d called Ellie who’d promised to come tomorrow to take a look and give him some advice. It was reassuring but he really hoped Colby was fine he’d left him to take care of himself. He should be fine, but it still worried him. Colby was practically helpless in his current state.

As soon as he thought that he heard a soft thud just outside the bathroom. He put his tea down on the table rushing to the bathroom only to see Colby on the floor, helplessly looking up at him. He’d never noticed it before due to all the dried blood, but he was way too thin! He was literally nothing but skin and bones!

Was his sister always this cruel?

It was disgusting to think Rosa would do something lik­­­e this. His thoughts were brought to a halt as Colby looked up at him in terror before beginning to cry and apologize for bothering him.

He looked so small and fragile as the too large shirt kept slipping off his shoulder. Why would Rosa hurt someone like him? He looked so small and young as he trembled looking at him in terror.

Wait, did Colby think he was mad at him?

Shit.

He knelt in front of Colby as he watched in fear of something. This whole situation made him feel terrible, confused, and icky. He needed to do something.

“Shhh, it’s fine you did nothing wrong” he said softly as Colby just kept crying softly still apologizing. He reached out to run a hand through Colby’s hair only for Colby to suddenly cling to him.

“Please, I know I might be a bit troublesome but please don’t give me back to Miss Rosa. I’ll promise I’ll do my best to repay you” He begged clinging to him, Kevin held him close, gently wiping away Colby’s tears as he watched silently in a mix of surprise and fear.

“It’s fine. I’m not giving you back to her, ever” He said as Colby breathed a sigh of relief before snuggling closer to Kevin. He would never let this precious bean be hurt again.

#whump #whump writing #original whump #On Thin Ice #you're stuck in here with me pal #implied torture tw #torture tw #villain whumpee #civilian caretaker #hero villain whump #original writing

[kuiinncedes]

and you knew what it was

author’s note: i don’t know what the fuck this is i was bored at the beginning of my break lol and i wrote some stuff based on a prompt list and a random number generator that gave me “here, drink this. you’ll feel better” and it kinda like ,, grew ,, into a lot

i’ve been sitting on this first part pretty much completed for a while and i think i want to just post it and i have two other “parts” that are sorta connected and idk yeah lmao they’re in progress rn and hopefully i can finish them soon if i post this one i just feel kinda stuck rn :P anyway idk lol i like this part tho hopefully i don’t change anything massively in the other two that would have to change something here XD

basically 1539 words of shadowhunter!quinntina hurt/comfort (or an attempt at it) maybe like sort of warning for mention of death and injury tbh am i trying too hard to be a ya fantasy writer lmao

title from “you are in love” by taylor swift <3

as always lmk if anyone wants any shadowhunter things to be explained lol :P

***

“Here, drink this,” Tina says, voice shaky and quiet, unsure. “You’ll feel better.” She helps Quinn sit up a little and slowly drink the whole glass of… something.

Quinn wrinkles her nose at the aftertaste coating her tongue and throat. “What was that?” Her shoulders are propped up against her pillow, and she awkwardly tries to situate herself somewhat upright. 

Tina shrugs, setting the cup aside. “Something Mike whipped up. Said it should help your strength and energy a little?” She crosses her arms, lightly gripping the fabric of her shirt at her sides—hugging herself.

“Mike needs to add some sugar or something,” Quinn tries in a joking tone. Tina smiles slightly but won’t really make eye contact with her.

The room falls silent and Quinn watches Tina, recognizes the expression on her face, her defeated posture, her smaller, quiet demeanor. Her outfit—a lot darker than what she’s often in these days, when she’s not in black gear. 

And Quinn remembers a few months ago, when Mercedes had her own complicated encounter with demon poison. She remembers how Tina cares, how she loves, how beautifully, how much. 

“Hey,” she says softly, and Tina finally looks up to meet her eyes. “Mike and the Silent Brothers said I stand a good chance for full recovery, right? So no tears,” Quinn urges gently. 

Tina huffs a light laugh and wipes under her eyes. “No promises,” she says hoarsely. Quinn wiggles her fingers and Tina releases the hand clutching tightly at her side and obligingly takes Quinn’s, who squeezes reassuringly.

Tina keeps sniffling though, and it seems to be getting louder. She covers her mouth with her free hand when Quinn looks over and says quickly, “I’m sorry, I know, sorry, it’s Kurt’s turn to see you anyway, I should go—” and starts to untangle their fingers but Quinn holds fast, squeezing again and she looks into Tina’s tear-filled eyes. 

“Come here,” Quinn says quietly.

“What?”

“Help me lay down, then get in bed with me.”

Tina pauses. “Are you—I don’t know if—”

Quinn smirks a little, starting to push herself back into a horizontal position. “I’m the one who’s injured, and I’m cold and I need my girlfriend close to steal her warmth, okay?”

Tina swallows and nods a little, replies barely above a whisper, “Okay.”

Once Quinn is lying down comfortably, Tina climbs under the blanket, facing her. Quinn tucks a strand of black hair behind her ear, wiping some of Tina’s still-coming tears as she retracts her hand. 

Tina holds her wrist, lightly, almost only with the tips of her fingers, and presses a soft kiss to her palm. She lets out a slight chuckle. “Shouldn’t I be the one taking care of you?”

Her tone is lighthearted but bitter and Quinn brushes her fingers through Tina’s hair. Her eyelids flutter, half closed, and she releases a small, comforted breath.

“You’ve definitely already done a fair amount of taking care of me. And I’m fine,” Quinn assures, and she really is fine, aside from the fact that she just missed a few days being knocked out from the worst kind of demon poison and she’s still feeling the effects of that, probably will be for a while, but that’s getting out of her system now, and with its complete departure her strength (and ability to move without pain) should also return, if Silent Brother healing magic and knowledge is to be trusted. “On the other hand, you look like you haven’t slept in days.” And knowing Tina, it’s all too possible that she hasn’t.

Tina shrugs a little. “Maybe.”

“Do I need to call Kurt in here to tell me?”

“Fine,” Tina grumbles halfheartedly. “I haven’t.”

But do you blame me? is her unasked—and unanswered—question. 

(Quinn doesn’t.)

Quinn tilts her chin forward a little to kiss Tina’s nose gently. “Go to sleep,” she says.

“Here? I shouldn’t—Kurt wants to see you,” Tina starts and Quinn shushes her again.

“Yes, here. Kurt will live without it, he knows I’m okay.” And Quinn knows Kurt is okay, and presumably will understand Tina staying for longer if he’s been around her the past few days. 

She just hopes—knows, really—that Kurt has helped Tina, that they help each other. They’ve always been close on account of being the two who could always be found awake in the latest hours of night, talking to each other and recently, working on designs and drawings together.

But it’s still different right now, for these past few days, and Quinn thinks that if either of them slept at all, it wasn’t much. Especially Tina. Kurt had the parabatai bond’s assurance while Quinn’s been out. Tina had Kurt’s assurance, but it still couldn’t have been as good as knowing it herself. And at night, Kurt had the bond as an extra layer of assurance when he went to sleep, but Tina didn’t, and Quinn knows how Tina’s worry keeps her up sometimes, and how she sometimes chooses energy runes instead when she knows something is weighing on her mind too much for her to sleep.

“You need sleep, love,” Quinn whispers, and she feels the resistance fade from Tina’s body. She pulls her closer, tucking Tina’s head under her chin.

“I missed you,” Tina says with a small gasp, voice cracking a little in desperation. “I’m so sorry.” Quinn can feel her tears on her collarbone and she hates it—hates that she’s the reason Tina’s crying and she can’t do anything about it because she was unconscious and on the verge of death for three days and then the Silent Brothers kept people away for a few more and Tina didn’t know how she was for a week, and Quinn really just woke up again and she’s mostly fine and she feels fine but Tina hasn’t slept for days and Quinn understands.

“It’s not your fault. And I won’t ever leave you,” Quinn promises. 

“You can’t say that for sure.” 

“Shh,” Quinn breathes, thinking about both statements. Tina’s right, she can’t say it for sure, and she knows that. With their life and what they do every day, it’s the most unsure thing in the world. Even just a week ago, she could’ve died if the demon’s stinger had gone in a little higher, she could’ve died if there were any more of them left, she could’ve died if Tina wasn’t there. Tina could’ve died if Quinn wasn’t there. (Would have, a voice in the back of her head creeps in, less than a breath, and she suppresses the shiver that it brings.)

But if Quinn has any control over it at all, it will be true. She tells Tina as much. “I won’t leave you,” she says again, quietly but as vehemently as she can, and Tina relaxes a tiny bit in her arms. 

And then for the other thing. “And there’s no way it’s your fault, okay?”

“If I wasn’t so fucking careless, you would be fine—”

“You didn’t push me into a demon’s stinger, did you?” Quinn continues to run her fingers through Tina’s hair. “You didn’t take its poison and inject it into my body. And you were killing the other ones. We could both be dead if you weren’t, okay?” Her tone is more blunt than probably necessary and she brushes Tina’s temple slightly in apology.

Tina burrows her face deeper and Quinn knows she’s winning, if only because Tina’s tired. But she needs her to know…. “It would never be your fault,” Quinn whispers. “Ever. Tell me you know that.”

After a second, Tina nods. “Yeah,” she says in a small voice. “Okay.”

Quinn can tell Tina isn’t completely convinced, but it’s a conversation for another time, another day when Tina isn’t running on a ridiculously small amount of sleep and probably an unhealthy number of energy runes, and only just coming down from the emotional rollercoaster of the past week. 

Quinn presses a kiss to the top of Tina’s head. “Go to sleep, love,” she says again. 

“Wake me up if I hurt you,” Tina breathes, on the cusp of sleep. 

Quinn smiles, runs her hand up and down Tina’s arm. “You won’t,” she promises, voice hushed.

It’s a testament to just how exhausted Tina must be that her breathing evens out within a few seconds, and her body is still and loose from exhaustion, mind finally quieted, for now, close to Quinn and reassured, and Quinn continues to rub her girlfriend’s arm gently and thinks.

She thinks about the word she just used—twice, and for the first time. Not the first time in her head, but the first time out loud. But unlike countless other times when she’s questioned her decisions and even after so many that have hurt her, so many choices that have led her astray—led her heart astray… she knows it’s right this time. Now, here, in her room, in the Institute that changed her life for the better, her family within the building’s glamoured walls, next to the one person she would always want to be next to, she doesn’t need to question it. And she closes her eyes and follows Tina into a hopefully peaceful sleep.

#no one: me: writing the same shit in the shadowhunter au #lsdkhglksfj like this is just the same as my klaine one but a little different with elements from another quinntina one and just lk;j;kgjsal #original ideas we don't know her #hhhhh idk how i feel about the end but oh well #it;s so random :') fuck lmao stop complaining about ur own writing that ur posting XD #lmao me writing over my break: RUN ON SENTENCES GALORE #this and my jatp fic that i posted a little bit ago lol anyway #ummmm is that it (no it's not but i can't think of anything else i wanted to say lol) #quinntina #glee #glee fic #my ficsssss #how do i tag this shit #it's been a while lmao #me: feeling like shit bc i feel like everyone hates me bc i can't just text my friends without feeling like i'm being annoying #me: POST A FIC FOR VALIDATION #also me: posts shadowhunter quinntina shit catering to an audience of: me #anyway #yk what lemme ramble for a sec bc i don't want to make a post about it #i want to ask my friends if they wanna plan something but like it's always been me texting them about stuff lately #which is DUMB that i feel weird about that but that's always the thing like #i always feel like i'm absolutely no one's like 'favorite' person and like everyone has people they'd go to before me :DDDDDDD #which isn't like just me but still i just this combined with idk today just my brain being dumb and being really self deprecating and dumb #i feel like i'm not actually close to anyone and i don't think i ammmmm #anyway no one asked for this in the tags of a fic post lmaooo

[emmy-writes-sometimes]

Crying ‘Cause I Love You

A/N: Hey everyone! I have a lot of school work to do rn so I won’t be able to write for another couple days, but I just posted something with Chris and I wrote this with Henry Cavill a while ago and thought I’d share to hopefully tide everyone over. Thanks for reading and requesting! 💕

Summary: Henry and his girlfriend are getting ready for a night out, and Henry was finally going to tell his girlfriend he loves her, but Kal has other ideas.

-

           “You look beautiful,” Henry beamed at his girlfriend, eyes shining with nothing but pride in them, as he watched her curl her last piece of hair and unplug the wand. She always looked at him like he was her entire world, and this was no different. The stars in her eyes matched the gems in her ears and around her neck, her dress dark blue and perfectly matched to his suit. She was perfect.

           “Only the best for my Prince Charming,” she replied sweetly. She wanted to hug him, but she didn’t want to crunch her hair. “Are you ready?”

           “Just looking for my cuff links. Would you mind locking up? And re-filling Kal’s bowl?” Henry was starting to take his tie from where he had it hung on his arm, but it was too long. Henry’s beloved Akita nipped at the tie until it was in his mouth, and Henry barely even noticed until he reached for it. Kal was such a shadow, always nudging at Henry’s legs, that it was easier to notice when he wasn’t there.

           “Kal! Give Daddy back his tie!” She scolded, reaching for the dog. Instead he wanted to play with it, and promptly turned his head away. “I’ll get him.” She stood on her toes to kiss her boyfriend’s cheek. She then exchanged places with him as he continued searching for his cuff links. The bathroom was wrecked with evidence of her – her makeup, her curling wand, her pins. He took her lip gloss that she left, knowing she would want it and she’d hate herself forever if she didn’t have it. She was staying with him for the wrap party, but had enough things for the whole weekend because somebody needed to drop Kal off at the groomer’s. Henry would look around and just smile. Finally, all of the empty space in his life was full. She was like a puzzle piece, he thought, and he wanted her to stay. That night he had planned to tell her he loved her for the first time. Part of him thought it would be when they were drunk at the party, or on the way home when they were in the back of a car and she would fall asleep on him. Or maybe it would be when she was buried in the corner of his bed. But he was going to tell her, he had to. And that’s what he was thinking about when he heard a smack. It was loud, and unmistakably skin against a hard surface.

           “Shit,” he murmured, turning to the stairs. Kal was standing at the bottom of the stairs, tie in his mouth, and his girlfriend was standing there, in the doorway to the living room. “Baby?”

           “I’m okay!” She declared with a whimper. Her hand flew to her nose as a single drop of blood made its way onto her skin. Blood. Oh, shit. “Okay, maybe I’m not. Ow.” She was starting to cry, leaning against the doorway, and Henry’s feet carried him over to her.

           “What happened? Let me look,” Henry said, raising his hands to her face. He turned into a protective boyfriend, instantly, as he gently took her hand away from her face and cupped her cheek with his other hand. Her nose was most definitely broken, blood gushing out of it and onto her hand.

           “Ow,” she whined, “I think it’s broken.”

           “Yeah, darling, I think it is. We need to get you to the emergency room.”

           “But what about your wrap party?” She asked. Henry walked into the bathroom underneath the stairs, grabbing a hand towel, and brought it back to her. He put it against her nose.

           “It’s perfectly alright. Just don’t take pressure off, I’m going to get the car keys.” He promptly ran to the kitchen to find his keys, and when he did, he raced back to them. “I’ll deal with you later,” he said to the dog as he picked up their two phones from the chargers. He slipped one of them into his pocket and the other into her hand when he met her again.

           “This hurts,” she cried out. Her mascara was starting to run, messing up the makeup she’d spent a full hour on, as Henry walked her out to the car and got her in. He shut her door before shutting his own, turning the car on. After a minute of tense driving down the cobblestone street, he heard a noise. His eyes flew over to her, worried something else had happened, but it wasn’t a cry. It was a laugh.

           “Are you laughing? Or crying?” He asked, half-worried that she’d hit her head, too. He took his hand off of the steering wheel after a turn and placed it in between her thighs at the slit in her dress, not even thinking to adjust the air so she wouldn’t be cold.

           “Both,” she winced as she pushed at her nose harder. “I found a meme.” Henry rolled his eyes, but smiled.

            “What did I ever do to deserve you?”

           “I’ll never understand that,” she answered in response.

           “You’ll hurt more if you don’t stop laughing.” Her smile faded and she went back to holding her nose. Henry considered himself luck that the closest emergency room was just down the street and around a corner, because he was really starting to think she’d hit her head as she smiled at another meme on what looked like Instagram.

           Henry pulled into the hospital and grabbed the parking ticket, shoving it in his dashboard. He then stopped the car and put it into reverse, trying to back into the spot. He looked behind him, placing his hand on the back of her seat.

           “You’re really hot when you back up,” she said. Henry’s eyebrows furrowed with worry.

           “I’m starting to think you have concussion, too. How hard did you hit that wall?”

           “Ask Kal,” she scoffed in response. Henry turned the car off and went to get her from the passenger side, then walked her in. He instructed her to go sit down, thankful that the place was nearly empty on a Thursday night at 9 PM. He got into the line and was handed a tablet to fill out her information on, and took a seat beside her. She was still in her dress, hair still curled, and she leaned her head on Henry’s shoulder as he started typing.

           “What’s your birthday, darling?” He asked. “I know the month, I forgot if it’s the thirteenth…”

           “Fifteenth,” she answered. The tears were starting to come to her eyes again as her nose throbbed. “It’s starting to really hurt.”

           “We’ll get you in, don’t worry.” He spoke as quietly as he could, noticing a sleeping child in one corner of the room. He hated hospitals, he remembered, but he was too stressed about the fate of his love’s nose to worry about it. He finished typing and brought it back to the nurse at the front desk, sitting back down beside his girlfriend. He put his arm behind her head, letting her lean into him again. His shirt could get bleached if it got blood on it, he decided. She shut her eyes, trying not to cry any more, as Henry took out his phone to text his friend that they weren’t going to make it because his dog had decided to be an absolute menace. And then he texted his neighbor, asking if they would mind watching the house. And then he turned to his girlfriend and kissed her.

           The nurse called her name a few minutes later, just as Henry’s neighbor was texting him that he would be over to the house to set the alarm in a minute. Henry helped his girlfriend walk through until they were sitting her down to take her blood pressure. She cringed when they took blood from her arm, but didn’t need Henry to hold her hand. Another nurse showed them to an exam room and took her insurance card, leaving her alone with Henry.

           “I’m sorry I ruined your wrap party,” she said. Henry chuckled.      

           “That’s not what I’m worried about right now. I’m worried about your nose.”

           “Will you still think I’m pretty if it’s broken?” He looked over at her.

           “I will still think you’re the prettiest girl in the world if your nose is broken,” he assured her. He took her hand and squeezed it, kissing her again his as the nurse walked back in.

           “You’re lucky the swelling isn’t worse,” the nurse said after inspecting her nose, “but it does need to be re-set.”

           “Can’t I just be ugly?” She groaned, looking over at Henry. “You said you’d think I’m pretty anyway.”

           “Can you check for a concussion, too?” Henry asked. “She’s being a little… wacky.”

           “I hate you.” The nurse laughed.

           “Alright, just relax.” After another painful crack, her nose was fixed, and the nurse was giving her a prescription for stronger medication than what Henry had. There was no concussion, either – she’d just had too many glasses of wine at dinner. They were alone again, waiting for papers, and she had reached her arms out to hug Henry. The guilt of the entire night possessed him to kiss her face, over and over again, before sighing.

           “Can I tell you something?” He asked as he hugged her.

           “What?” She asked. He could smell her perfume going in and out of her nose.

           “I was going to tell you I love you tonight. Because I am. I do. I love you. And I’m sorry your nose got broken.”

           “I can’t believe it took my nose being broken for you to say it,” she replied. A smile teased at her lips. “I love you too, Cavill.”

           “I’m sorry my dog is such an asshole sometimes.”

           “So are you,” she remarked. “I forgive him. And at least this means I have an excuse to get a nose job.” Henry chuckled and kissed her. He was overloading her with kisses and she didn’t mind. If he gave her this many kisses hen she was hurt, maybe she should let Kal knock her over more often. Henry accepted the papers the nurse handed him when she came back in, and helped his girlfriend back out to the car. He took her hand this time, squeezing it as he watched her scroll through her phone again.

           “Why do you love me?” She asked. “I’m such a mess.” Henry laughed and squeezed her hand tighter.

           “Because you are the only person I know that would have a broken nose, laugh on the way to the emergency room, and forgive the dog who did it.” He smiled at her, even though it was too dark to see her face really, and let go of her hand as he pulled into the pharmacy. He looked over at her as he was halfway home, surprised to see that she was asleep. So he didn’t wake her. Instead he opened her door and took her out of it, picking her up and carrying her with absolute ease.

           “You were a bad boy tonight,” he told Kal as he walked into the house. “Be quiet so she can sleep. She’s on the medicine you made them give her.” She didn’t stir when Henry laid her down on the bed, or when he took her dress off her shoulders. But she did when he walked into the bathroom, removing the cufflinks he had nervously put on at the hospital. They clinked on the vanity and Henry looked behind him as he heard the rustling of the bed covers.

           “Henry?” She asked tiredly.

           “Yes, my darling?” He asked as he looked behind him.

           “Will you still love me after I get a nose job?”

           “I would love you if you got a thousand nose jobs.” He walked back over to her, tucking her in, and pressed a gentle kiss to her swollen nose. “Good night, my love.”

#Henry Cavill x reader #henry cavill fluff #henry cavill imagine

[huntertales]

The whole cast of Supernatural is saying goodbye to the show rn and they tore down the bunker and oh my goodness I'm a wreck DANI I NEED A HUG (and some incorrect quotes)🥺

WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. In my head the bunker will always a place where I pretend it’s real. I’ve always loved that set. My heart hurts even more knowing that it’s really over. But I’ve got something to hopefully cheer us all up!! I was planning on finishing the current episode, oh well!

y/n: dean is so cute. sam: he just killed a demon that tried to kill you y/n: i said "cute", not "harmless".

y/n: you know, i bet my parents are actually really proud of what i’ve accomplished. I bet they’re looking up and smiling at me now. charlie: looking up? y/n: oh yeah, they’re in hell for sure. no doubt about it 

y/n: *banging his pencil on a table* dean: stop that. i can't concentrate. y/n: *keeps banging the pencil* dean, frustrated: can somebody help me out here?? cas: i got it. now y/n, how would you feel if dean banged you on a table? y/n: i- y/n: oh please do.

dean: hey, do you think i could fit fifteen marshmallows in my mouth? sam: you’re a hazard to society. y/n: and a coward. do twenty

y/n: why did the chicken cross the road? dean: i don’t know why? y/n: to get to the house of the dumbass y/n: knock, knock dean: who’s there? y/n: the chicken dean: liSTEN HERE YOU-

dean: i’ve done a lot of dumb stuff sam: i’ve witnessed the dumb stuff cas: i recorded the dumb stuff y/n: i’ve joined you in the dumb stuff josh: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF

y/n: okay, for this mission, i’m going to assign us all special codenames. you can address me as “eagle one.” sam, your codename is been there, done that.” sam: *look of worried confusion* y/n: dean is “currently doing that” Dean: *high fives the reader* y/n: josh is “it happened once in a dream” josh: *even more worried and confused* y/n: rowena is “if i had to pick a girl” rowena: *winks at the reader* y/n: and cas is… cas: y/n: y/n: eagle two cas: oh thank dad

y/n: i can’t go. stress is bad for the baby dean: what baby?? y/n: me

y/n: i’m craving something sweet :( dean, gesturing to himself: :) y/n: i said something sweet, not a heap of salt

y/n: what are you, five? sam: yeah, five heads taller than you y/n: sam: y/n: sam: please don’t kill me

cas: you’re like an angel with no wings y/n: ... so like a person?

john: y/n is at that special age when a girl has only one thing on her mind dean: boys? y/n: homicide

y/n: *holding sam’s hand over her stomach so he can feel one of the twins kick* sorry this is taking so long, they kicked for everyone else dean: it’s hard for the little guy to perform under pressure josh: top ten things dean said on his wedding night sam: woah! It was small, but I think I felt something! charlie: top ten things yn said on her wedding night y/n: *laughs* dean: stop laughing at it, y/n! y/n: top ten things you said on your wedding night dean: i want a divorce

sam: cas, you’re in charge. take y/n and dean cas: yes! my fantasy threesome sam: dean: y/n: cas: of people to go on a mission with

y/n: the quickest way to a man’s heart is through the fourth and fifth ribs

charlie, talking about the reader: she likes mysterious guys dean: okay *later* y/n: where are we going? dean: IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

cas: if you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be? josh: maybe a bit tipsy? sam: drunk y/n: wasted dean; dead

cas: *learning human etiquette* what are friends with benefits? y/n: ...a very special type of friends cas: um...like us? y/n: *chokes*

y/n: i have feelings for you dean: you do? y/n: yes. I feel you’re a little annoying

bartender, about dean: excuse me, is this man bothering you? y/n: yes. Yes he is, but he’s my husband so i pretty much signed up for this

john winchester and ella y/l/n: all we ever wanted to do was raise the children so they were safe bobby: you fucked up a perfectly good generation is what you did. look at them. they have trauma.

y/n: HYDRATE OR DIE-DREATE! y/n: *aggressively throws water bottles* sam: uh… cas: she’s trying to yell mental health and wellbeing at us dean: *crying* it’s working

dean: how do you politely tell someone you want to hit them with a brick?  y/n: one wishes to acquaint your facial features with a fundamental item used in building walls dean: that’s the most beautiful thing i have ever heard

y/n: ugh, i couldn’t sleep at all last night sam: you know, they say if if you can’t sleep it’s because someone is thinking of you y/n: who’d be thinking of me at 3 am?  dean: *sweats*

y/n: careful, if you keep being so sweet people are gonna start thinking you’re in love with me dean: what could i have ever possibly done, to make you think that i’m not?

#mail #incorrect quotes

[theguardiansofredland]

Midnight ramblings (Venting I guess idk)

It’s midnight. 1 am actually. It’s smoky and my sinuses hurt. And I’m crying. Idk if it’s bad or not, I guess I’m just being nostalgic. And you can call it fuckin stupid all you want, but I’m crying because of animal crossing songs. Specifically Stale Cupcakes and Animal City. Stale Cupcakes is a song I discovered in New Leaf. It’s a soft, sad song. Played on a music box. It makes me think of my memories with new leaf and just happier times in general. Rainy days and playing little big planet and roasting marshmallows on our stove with my siblings, before they both moved away. Drawing next to my mom and half listening to whatever show she was obsessed with this time. Stale Cupcakes is almost childlike in sound if that’s even possible. But I remember playing New Leaf every day. It was a birthday present from my brother. And Animal City, which is the city theme in Animal Crossing: City Folk. And that takes me back even further. Elementary school. Again to rainy days and going to the bookstore with my godfather after school and getting Jamba Juice in the way back. Watching my brother try so hard to get the golden axe in city folk. Watching him play a lot of games on our Wii. Spending time with my cousin and spending hours at his house playing pretend or with his toys and then watching cartoons before falling asleep in his living room. To when I thought my friends in school actually liked me. Watching team crafted and epic jump maps and drawing my first art pieces.

I miss those days. I miss a lot of things and it just reminds me how everything leaves eventually. My mom, siblings, pets, friends, family, youtubers. It all drifts away. I guess that’s why I bury myself in happy sort of games like Minecraft and Nintendo games like animal crossing. They don’t hit me with tragedy after tragedy after toxic person after hurt. It lets me make my own world. Where the people don’t leave. Where everything is magical and I can just sit and be happy for once. Where people like what I do, what I create. Where I’m alone but I don’t feel like it. But even then the time passes and I need to sleep, or my game system runs out of charge. And I have to turn off my happy place and just go back to reality. Where everything fucking sucks. Sure there are some good things. My friends, my gf, my dad, my kitties. But I still just want there to be a time where I can look back and know I felt happy. And exist in a time where I actively feel genuinely happy. That childlike wonder and happiness. But I’m stuck here being sad and growing up. I don’t want to grow up. I wanna stay in the time of Chowder, Pokémon and Animal crossing. Where my biggest worry was not having enough poke balls to catch this tympole, and not which one of my friends is gonna hate me, or which family member will die this year. I’m not ready. But time doesn’t work that way.

I wanna live in animal crossing. Where the people there actually like me, and I can just relax for once. My sister who’s studying to be a massage therapist says the muscles in my neck and shoulders are extremely tight. Idk if it’s because of stress or anxiety. And I remember plucking a gray hair in science class. But rn even the thought school makes me wanna poof out of existence. But I don’t have to worry about that rn. I miss having motivation for things. Wanting to finish a game, draw things and actually improve. But instead I’m sleeping most of the day cause I’m tired all the time. I’m sad and just numb all the time

Idk even know what I’m rambling about. Animal crossing makes me cry and I wanna hug my cats and sleep for a good while. And I know “get a therapist” I’m working on it. I gotta talk with my dad about emailing one. Please don’t tell me another thing I’m failing at. I’m trying my best to take care of myself. I’m trying so hard. And I’m sorry. Getting a therapist is hard. I’m working on it but everyone says I should stop procrastinating when I’m not. My own fucking psychiatrist yelled at me for forgetting to schedule an appointment. I hate talking to her. And to that one friend reading this (and also you too sweetheart), yes you. Stop, breathe. You’re a great friend and you’re not being a horrible evil person by telling me I need a therapist. You care. And that isn’t something to yell at yourself for. It’s something to be applauded. And I’m just too much of a mess to work up enough courage to ask you to tone it down, and that’s a me thing I need to work on. Cause what you’re telling me is true and needs to be heard, and isn’t bad really. It’s not like it’s an insult or a trigger. So I feel like I shouldn’t have it toned down. Why tone down something helpful.

Sorry for rambling and wasting time you’re never gonna get back. I’m sorry for probably causing some anxiety spikes or attacks. I just made things worse again. I’m going to bed for the night. Or morning. Whatever. Hopefully I’ll dream of animal crossing and kitties. Fun things. And hopefully I’ll get some motivation to actually provide content and good things rather than be an over sharing person on the internet who shouldn’t even be doing or making this post and wearing my heart, on not on my sleeve, but my face. But I guess I’m begging for attention. Or trouble. Goodnight everyone. I’ll try to draw something tomorrow.

#red rambles #vent tw #tw:vent #tw vent #cw vent #im tired #heading to bed #im sorry you had to read this #im sorry you read this

[theravenclawmonster]

I thought getting diagnosed would be able to get me help...(post 1 of dunno how many)

Trigger warning: This post (and the later continuation posts after it titled the same) may contain mentions of abuse, mental illness, suicidal thoughts and many more things which i will try to edit in it after writing the post(s) (hopefully i’ll remember to)

Disclaimer: this is just a written account of events that happened in my life in the past few weeks and my emotional/ physical response to those events. I am writing this here so that it stays here as help for people to read and maybe see what certain things feel like, and as proof or diary for when i forget what really happened and start to believe her words. Also, this is going to be a long post... a very long post.

So, i thought getting diagnosed would maybe help me... A couple of weeks ago, i realized that my heart has been beating a bit faster than what i remembered it used to and my blood pressure would get low. Of course like every other pain or issue ever, i tried to first ignore it and act it out (trying to look fine) but you see, with low BP i really couldn’t act okay. My brain would go numb, i would feel like my brain was pushing me (the consciousness or me in my brain) towards the top of my forehead forcing me into my skull from inside; everything else felt numb. I couldn’t really speak or even think, all words were slurred if i tried my hardest. My body moved very slowly, i couldn’t even raise a finger in the normal speed (even in front of my parents, in front of who i never ever show if i am in pain or ill. but until then i had hid it pretty well by going to my room or just not letting them see me that much). By this time i didn’t know what was happening and episodes like this continued for 3 or 4 days, until one day i remembered that i should check my blood pressure as my heart feels like drowning (it was around 90 and 65 and pulse more than 110). Now, as someone whose blood pressure has always been around 110/70, i got a bit scared; i didn’t know if it was okay to have it this low or not and i wasn’t feeling okay at all. Anyway, it dropped a bit more and my mother noticed me (until then i was completely wiped out, had no strength to even be present in my body let alone act okay. i continuously felt like if i closed my eyes i’d slip away and never come back.

My mother told me to get up and have some ORS (some sort of salts and electrolytes thingy used in dehydration etc) and eat bananas. after some time my heart felt a bit fine and my BP rose up to 105 and something. But i felt exhausted, as if i had fought a war with my bare hands. I couldn’t even ask them to take me to a doctor and after this episode was over she suggested it very ummm... very angrily... so i stayed quiet. Later my sister (married) texted me and said that Mom will get an appointment for her general physician tomorrow for you. She obviously had talked to my mother on the phone and knew all about it (or at least as much as my mother decided to tell her). The next day she took the appointment which was for almost 2 weeks later (only time available). throughout the days leading up to that she told me that i’d feel fine and we’d not even need to go to the doc.

finally, the day arrived. My mother had been telling me to write things to show the doc, my symptoms and stuff, but i couldn’t write anything. I wrote this on a paper 9in a slow child-like handwriting:

1. Pain everywhere

    Tired

    Breathe (referring to difficulty in breathing but i couldn’t write the whole sentence)

the day i went to the doctor i added “ fog/ Quick sand” to the list wanting to say that i feel like i am in a fog/ quick sand as everything including my body and my brain function becomes very slow and delayed.

I didn’t take that paper to the doctor (well, that exquisitely written note wasn’t very helpful). I had decided beforehand that i’d somehow send my mother out and talk to the doctor in private as my emotionally abusive and controlling mother makes me unable to function like a normal human being. It took me days to prepare myself to say that. I also took all my history with me from the beginning of the year. Below is the brief history:

[ I had a very bad chest infection right after chicken pox (at the start of this year, yes great start to a great year 2020), I had to get a chest x-ray in which Scoliosis (bending of spine) showed up. According to the doctors and my family, as it was an incidental finding, it was asymptomatic and therefore needed no treatment or even a brace. No one cared to pay attention to what i said or how i felt as the fucking patient who actually dealt with a lot of back and shoulder and literally almost every kind of bone pain, and for whom the discovery of scoliosis was an answer to a lot.] Anyway, back to the regular rant.

so we went to the doctor. As i sat outside waiting for my turn, i practised again and again about how to ask to be diagnosed in private and not making my mother mad. first, my mother’s turn arrived and she told me to go in with her and remember what doctor tells her for her diabetes and acidity issues. After she was done... (i am getting a bit hazy here) i think the doctor brought up my scoliosis (i went to him in the beginning of the year and he referred me to an osteopath or someone) he talked about how he discussed my case with his colleague and he advised me to go to another hospital in another city for they have a specific department for things like scoliosis. After he said it all and looked at me expectantly to start telling him why i was there, i told my, mother if she can leave, she laughed embarrassed and acted like ha ha sweety i won’t disturb you go on ahead. but i repeated it a couple more times ( i think my tone was pretty dry, but i am not sure as i couldn’t really regulate anything at that time).

She left. then the doctor asked me about my health and i started to explain, except i couldn’t find the right words and forgot everything and just burst into tears. he patiently offered me tissues and waited for my answer. I explained somewhat. i don’t really remember the symptoms i explained, just that i felt fake and weird as if it all wasn’t really happening or i was faking everything and don’t know why the hell i kept bawling my eyes out, i was fine!! stop crying and making a scene. I was also inwardly thankful that my mother wasn’t in the room as i have had a similar experience of crying in front of a doctor and she taunted me about it for months calling me fake and attention seeking and a liar. Anyway, here is a list of what i told the doctor (from what i can remember):

- i feel like i am always holding myself up tightly, if i let go i’d fall. My muscles all feel seized up

-I have difficulty in breathing, i can’t breathe deeply for years. and before it was connected to emotional issues but now its almost all day everyday.

-As because of scoliosis my ribcage is a bit twisted so if i bent over my left ribs dig into my stomach area and it is quite painful if my stomach is full, if i have gained weight or if i have gas.

-my ankles feel swollen on the inside and walking is painful, my heels hurt and the top of my foot and the pain goes all the way up to my pelvic bone and back. My back hurts all the fucking time.

-My knees hurt so much that i have not been able to put my weight on my left knee for more than a week now (it has been hurting in the past as well) and now my body had developed a weird habit of walking up the stairs without putting pressure on left knee at all, which has in turn made my right knee tired and painful.

- I can’t really feel hungry. like if i don’t eat for a long time i’d feel that painful hunger in my stomach but i have no desire to eat and i keep forgetting about it. even when i try to eat i look at food and recoil in a little, i can’t eat it usually or at least like i use to ( I loved food more than almost anything ever, with only some foods that i couldn’t eat). and even after i eat (usually only when i eat something with wheat in it) my stomach swells up a round and painful (which is even more painful when the ribs dig into it.

-My jaw feels stiff and my teeth and gums hurt as if i have been clenching my jaw (which i do catch myself doing quite often)

-oh! i actually started out with saying that i can’t really hold up my neck some of the time (like a baby), and it keep falling around if i relax, it was happening right then too. then i cried. i also mentioned something about my bones painfully feeling like they’ll fuse into each other (if i lie on my side sometimes i feel like both sides of my ribcage will collapse into each other

This was all i could remember then and i think there might be more that i told him but i don’t remember it rn

The doctor asked me things in return. he asked me about my sleep which i told him i can’t sleep. I have been a person who’d sleep 7- 8 hours a night and then also take a nap in the day. I love to sleep, i could always sleep, no matter what happened. If i had cramps, migraine, back pain, emotional abuse, my favorite character died, tired, bored anything; I’d sleep it off. But now, no matter when o lie down, firstly, i am in too much pain to be comfortable in any position, it takes hours to fall asleep and no more fun daydreaming before sleep too. and then i wake up even more exhausted somehow.

He checked my BP and breathing ( i couldn’t breathe properly maybe because of crying) and stomach softness. My BP was 135/95 which i contributed to the car ride (i have car anxiety... dunno what it is but i get super anxious and panicky in a car especially with my family) but he said it could be because you just cried so much.

so, then he said that you are too stressed and your neurons are constantly firing cuz pain both emotional and physical. (he was talking for quite some time but i don’t remember what he said) he said most of it seems to be mental but upon my request he did give a few tests (one in particular expensive one for some muscle disease or something) then he referred me to a psychiatrist. he also asked me to write down my symptoms as the more i tell the doctor the better they can diagnose. then i got out and told my mother the diagnosis and referral. she went in to the office herself and talked to him for some time.

So, we had the tests done (with my father making it a point to say loudly how expensive was one of them in particular) and got an appointment for the psychiatrist. Also said that i have some stomach acidity and gave medicine for that

this seems like a huge post so i am thinking about making another one for that session and the later drama, hopefully before i forget

part two can be found here

#emotional abuse #abuse #actually abused #abusive parents #depression #MDD #chronic pain #tired of life #scoliosis #migraine

[thechildoflightning]

Tectonic Plates- Ch3

Title: Tectonic Plates [Masterpost]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: None

~~~

Chapter Title: Transform

Summary: 

Everything over the past few weeks comes together

Warnings: Memory Loss, Borderline Passive Suicidal Thoughts, Tics, Chronic Pain, Gender Dysphoria, Deadnaming, Fatphobia, Ableism

<strong> TW: Memory Loss, Borderline Passive Suicidal Thoughts, Tics, Chronic Pain, Gender Dysphoria, Deadnaming, Fatphobia, Ableism </strong>

I don’t currently have the spoons for in depth tws at the end of the chapter rn, so message me if you have any questions about tws

[ao3 link]

~~~

Chapter Three: Transform

Patton wakes to searing pain that courses through his entire body, pain strong enough that it makes his breathing hitch and stomach curl with nausea. He squeezes his eyes tight as if that would do anything to help. Maybe this is all a bad dream he’ll wake up from. He’s not hopeful. He doesn’t dare risk moving, the fire in his body so unbearable that Patton doesn’t risk doing anything. He takes small shallow breaths and wishes for it to be over.

He fades in and out of consciousness. He’s not sure if thats due to pain or exhaustion. He remembers glancing over at his clock at one point and finding it significantly early, though Patton can’t remember what time it read. He doesn’t know if he forgot from pain, or if it’s just his memory failing him once more.

He wants to cry, but he doesn’t risk it because heavy loud crying will make his body shake and that will just make everything worse.

He briefly wishes he had no bones, just a puddle of human goop that doesn’t ache, before realizing that would only help so much. A lot of the pain is in his joints, but it’s also in his nerves and getting rid of bones wouldn’t help that any.

So maybe he gets rid of his bones and nerves.

He wouldn’t feel anything that way.

He could go back to sleep forever without pain.

He almost wishes for it.

Almost.

He’s not quite sure what stops him.

He floats in a haze, not quite awake, not quite asleep. Tiredness seeps into his body, dragging him to sleep, and the pain fights it, demanding Patton’s awake to feel the torture it performs on him.

His alarm goes off at some point, and he barely pays any notice to it. He’s in too much pain to think of anything but the pain, and thinking of the pain makes it worse. It’s a vicious terrible cycle, so terrible, that Patton doesn’t even notice that his door has been pushed open until his ma is settling at his side.

“Hi honey,” she whispers soothingly.

“Hi,” he croaks out, the single word taking more energy than expected.

His ma looks at him and she radiates love so strongly that Patton just wants to curl up in her arms and break down crying. But both of those actions will cause him to hurt more, so he settles for lying on his bed, head facing his mother, pushing back tears.

“I… I don’t think I can go to school today,” he says.

“That’s okay,” his ma dismisses immediately and Patton breathes a small sigh of relief. He never thinks that his parents would make him go- knows they understand, knows they wouldn’t push it. But well- he gets worried sometimes. He misses a lot of school, he takes a lot of energy to care. He knows his moms love him but he can’t help worry about his place in their lives occasionally.

“Do you need anything?”

“Heat,” Patton replies immediately, “And meds too please. And… and can I get some water? Is that okay?”

“Of course hon,” she soothes, “You are going to have to eat something with the pain meds though.”

Patton knows that. He knows that he doesn’t want to because eating takes so much effort and his stomach is already swirling in displeasure.

“Okay,” he says.

“Can you rate the pain? And tell me where it hurts?”

“9,” he says, “and everywhere. It hurts everywhere.”

“Okay. If you can’t, that’s okay, but can you try to be a bit more specific?”

My legs, hips, back, neck, shoulders,” he says, “Back especially. All along it.”

“Do we need to go to the ER?” is her next question.

Patton’s in enough pain that he considers it for a minute. It’s always a challenge debating on what he does and doesn’t need, when the pain is enough to warrant medicine, hospital admittance, and anything else.

“No. Not yet,” he settles on, but keeps it as an option. His meds don’t take away the pain entirely, but they do work decently well. Hopefully with the assistance his body will stop torturing him.

“Okay. Do you want me to stay? I can ask your Mom to get everything.”

“Can you?” he asks hopefully, not wanting to let her go.

“Of course,” she says, pulling out her phone to call his Mom and explain what’s going. She finishes quickly and turns her attention back to Patton.

“Can I hold your hand?” she asks.

“Yes. DOn’t touch my shoulder.”

She nods easily and carefully takes his hand in hers, smoothing over the back of his palm with her thumb. He gets heat, meds, water, and chokes down a little bit of food. It’s a slow, painful process. But the heat and meds help enough that Patton slowly drifts off once more.

-

He wakes to an empty room. He takes observance of his body, feeling out where it does and doesn’t hurt. It’s still flaring brightly with pain, so hot it burns. But it has subsided somewhat from a torturous pain to a heavy, burning violence. 

His back aches and he reaches for his phone at his bedside table, shooting off a quick text to his moms.

A moment later his door opens, and Blythe is slipping into his room, TENS unit in hand.

“Ma is picking Liam and- tehch- Dani up from school, Mom’s at work,” she explains their absence as she approaches Patton’s bed, “Do you know- hu- the intensity, frequency, and- hu hu HU- and the duration and all that? Because I don’t but I’m sure Moms have it. I can ask them.”

“It’s in my notebook,” Patton says, “but it can also really vary.”

“Okay,” Blythe agrees, walking over to his desk to grab the blue notebook and flipping to the pages about pain treatment- specifically for the electrical nerve stimulation the TENS unit will provide.

“Let’s just start with what it says in there and then I can adjust it,” Patton tells her.

“ACK- sounds good,” she agrees, finding the page. She picks up the notebook, before immediately throwing it with a tic.

“Yeet,” Patton mutters as she picks it up, rolling her eyes at Patton’s commentary.

She comes back over to Patton’s bed.

“Okay,” she says finally, “You’re going to have to turn- tehch- over.”

“I know,” Patton says miserably, not moving.

He breathes a few times.

“Help me?” he requests.

Blythe nods and sets down the notebook and TENS unit.

“What do you want me to do?” she says.

“Help shift my hips when I turn,” he instructs.

Blythe nods and begins the painful process of flipping to his stomach. He wants to go fast to get this over with, but he also wants to move slowly and carefully. It’s a balancing act- and Patton’s balance is notoriously awful.

They get there eventually, Patton gritting through the pain.

Blythe helps with attaching the electrodes to his back and then the TENS is switched on, providing welcome relief.

“Hey, wanna watch a show with me?” Blythe asks, once Patton’s settled for a minute.

“Sure,” Patto agrees, welcoming an easy distraction.

“Okay, I’ll go- ACK hu-  grab my computer,” she tells him, “Don’t move.”

Patton snorts, “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

She gives him a look and races out of his room.

-

The next day is better, but that isn’t saying too much. It’s a glass half full, half empty sort of situation. Patton can get out of bed, can even get to school, but his body still thrums in pain. But he gets through, and it’s not too bad even though it hurts and Patton- well he doesn’t quite count it as a win but it’s certainly not a loss. 

He isn’t binding because there’s no way he’d put his binder on right now with his current back issues, but it does mean he gets misgendered more which sucks. The dysphoria creeps back in and more people deadname him and Patton wants to transition so bad, but right now he’s just stuck.

He’s ready to go home.

Luckily enough, his last class of the day rolls around.

Unluckily enough, the teacher announces they will continue working on their group project.

Shit, Patton forgot about that.

His group shuffles together, and Patton sighs in grits his teeth as he joins them. Part of it is from pain, part is from annoyance with the project in general.

“Okay,” one of the girls said, “Can everyone get their stuff out? To see where we all are?”

Patton forgets her name, but does remember she’s been consistently rude to him and unwilling to listen when he’s explained his accommodations.

The group starts pulling out computers and papers. Patton himself only pulls out one measly paper of a short outline. It’s all he has done so far. The girl’s gaze turns angrily towards him when she realizes that all he has, and Patton sinks in his seat. His other two teammates look at him in pity, but don’t jump in to help.

“That’s all you have?” she asks.

“Yes,” Patton mumbles.

“Eileen! This project is due next week.”

“M’ name is Patton.”

“Okay- Patton, whatever. This project is due in a week and you’ve barely started! We’re being graded as a group here. And I need an A in this class. I get that you don’t care about school or are trying to sabotage the group because you don’t like me or- or whatever, but it doesn’t matter. You need to do your work. Stop slacking off and get it together. By the due date.”

It’s been a long day, a long week, a long year.

Patton’s so goddamn tired and his spoons are running low and he doesn’t want to deal with this stupid project or this stupid partner of his who’s name he doesn’t even remember. Patton’s trying okay? He’s been trying so damn hard, so damn hard for everyone. Being disabled isn’t easy, and people act as if it makes it so hard for their lives, but how do they think Patton feels?

He’s the one with the memory that doesn’t work, with the body that acts constantly, with being scorned for being overweight, who’s judged for using a mobility aid, and who everyone thinks is faking. Patton’s the one dealing with this, not them. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.

Tears prick in the corner of his eyes.

He can’t cry. He can’t. There’s no way they’ll take him seriously then and they’ll probably call him a girl and-

“I told you at the beginning,” he says, voice shaky but loud, “That we got three extra weeks.”

“Yeah!” she says, “If we need it. And we’re probably going to need it now because you can’t do one stupid assignment. But taking extra time is failing.”

“I do need it,” Patton snaps, and he’s loud enough that he gains the attention of some of the groups near them. “I’ve always needed it. That’s why it’s given to me. Maybe you don’t, that’s fine. But I do.”

“I don’t get why you can’t just do it?” she argues back, “Are you just fine with failure?”

“Yeah,” Patton says, “Yeah I am fine with failure. I fail all the fucking time. Life is a series of failures when you’re disabled and it sucks. Do you think I want to be in pain? Do you think I like forgetting almost everything? Do you think I enjoy struggling to keep up in a project with some annoying ableist teammate who’s not listening to me? No. I don’t. It sucks. But this time- this time I’m not failing. I’m demanding the time I need, and that’s not failure, that’s success.”

“You shouldn’t need to push for extra time,” she says.

Patton laughs, effectively gaining the rest of the class’s attention as they all tune in on their argument.

“You know what” he says, “You know what, for once you’re right. I shouldn’t have to push for extra time. I should be able to just tell you I need three extra weeks and you should accept that. I shouldn’t have to push for accommodations, that shouldn’t be my responsibility. The world is ableist and it sucks, so it’s either push for accommodations or let myself suffer. It just depends on how much energy I have.”

“Look I get that you’re disabled or whatever,” she snaps, “But it’s pretty hard to work with you when you demand extra time without even telling us why. You should at least share with us about how you’re disabled.”

“Share with you?” Patton asks incredulously, “Share with you? It’s my disability, I can share whatever I damn well please. It’s up to me and only me what I disclose and you-”

Patton forgets the rest of the argument, coming back with a rush as he takes a bite of his chicken, and stares across the table at his family at dinner.

Once he realizes what happened, he springs up from his chair. His hips and back shriek in protesting and he almost falls over. He catches himself on the table, hand clutching the wood, before racing off to his room, tears streaming down his face. He ignores the worried calls from behind him.

He crashes onto his bed and dives under the covers, wrapping them firmly around him even as he continues to sob. Seconds later and his moms enter the room. His ma crouches by his bed and his mom sets his cane against the bed stand table before joining him.

“Darling,” his mom whispers, “What’s wrong?”

Patton shudders through the tears and wonders how to respond.

“We have a group project in school,” he starts.

“Okay,” his ma says, taking his hand to rub soothingly.

“And- and there’s this girl and she won’t listen to me about my accommodations and it sucks because I can’t meet the normal time but I also don’t have the energy to push for my accommodations and it’s- I don’t want to push for extra time I just want her to be okay with it. And she’s been really rude and I yelled at her today and the whole class was paying attention and I don’t even remember what the end result was because I forgot and I-” he sighs, tears slowing, “I just hate it,” he sighs, “Like I’m disabled. For life. Some things might get better, some might get worse. Okay. I can deal with that. I’ve been dealing with it all my life. It can suck at times and be hard, but I mean- I don’t remember when I wasn’t disabled, I was a baby. It’s part of my life. But it’s just-”

Patton breaks out in a fresh wave of tears, pausing for a minute while he sobs.

“It’s just that I have- I have to prove it everywhere I go. I have to push to get my minimum needs met and nobody understands and nobody listens and it sucks and I don’t know if that’s ever going to improve and I hate it. And it- I even worry about you guys. Cause like- I know you love me. I know that, okay? But when I see how everyone else refuses to even meet the bare minimum of my needs and the two of you being the best moms I could have ever asked for, I start to wonder if it’s too much, y’know? Like if I’m too much.”

“Patton-”

“And it’s like, I know that's stupuid. I know that’s the internalized ableism talking, that I do deserve you and I deserve my needs being met. I know that. It’s just hard to remember when there’s so much external ableism pressing down hard on me. Y’know? And that- that sucks. And it’s- it’s been a rough few weeks and I do not have the spoons to deal with this.”

“We love you,” his mom says.

“Yes, we love you very much,” his ma says.

“I know,” Patton says, “I know. I love you too.”

He sniffles and wipes at his nose.

“Can we do anything to support you?” his ma asks.

Patton shrugs, and it pulls at his back painfully. He relaxes his shoulders.

“I don't know,” he admits, “I do feel a bit better now.”

“Sometimes we just need to get it all out,” his ma agrees.

Pat nods.

“I’m tired,” he admits after awhile. “I think I’m gonna go to bed. Worry about the project tomorrow. Thank you. Love you.”

“We love you too,” his moms say together, his mom setting a kiss on his forehead and his ma with a kiss on his hand and Patton feels so intensely, purely, loved.

He turns in his part of the project four weeks later, on the extended date he was given. The girl who’s been on his case scowls at him as he turns it in, and he ignores her. The teacher accepts the project without complaint, only stopping Patton briefly to ask if the time was enough.

“Yes,” Patton says, “Yes it was.”

The girl’s still mad at him. Patton’s going to continue to face endless ableism. It sucks. It’s going to suck. But he has his family, and he has their support and he’s just going to keep stumbling forward because really, what other choice does he have?

And maybe along the way, the world will slowly change into a place Patton no longer has to demand to be accommodated.

~~~

taglist below

-ask to be added or removed-

@mewithanie @eddies-spaghetti @lemonyellowlogic @savioursailor @goldteethandacurseforthistown @you-betcha-weirdo @gattonero17

#i dont have the spoons for tags rn #might come back and add tags later

[dulharpa]

this is for hayley! @whistlingwillows a dear friend <3333

it’s meant to be a birthday present haha. i just want to shower you in love;;; so thought maybe i could go through as many of your fics and comment on them :^)))

(TO EVERYONE ELSE: please go to @whistlingwillows blog and read her fics!!! they are SO FCKIN GOOD AND AMAZING AND UGH HER MIND (it’s a lot of mcu and her bucky and steve fics are a*. i DEFINITELY RECOMMEND))

i wish you a VERY happy birthday and i hope we stay friends for many more years <3333333333 

i’m going through your masterlist heehee ;)))

ah first off, nice theme! i never could rlly see it before because i’m always on mobile heehee. also sorry for not reviewing them before??? i don’t usually read fics on tumblr as you’ve probably guessed;;

anyways, IM GON REVIEW THE SHIT OUT OF THESE >:DDDD

far from home -  bucky x stark sister!reader

firstly, i like how youre introducing the reader from buckys pov, like you can sort of already gather what shes like from them

‘Bucky can hear Tony’s soft inhale, feel the intensity of the man’s glare directed at Steve. He shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but a twitch of muscle would be enough to alert both men that he’s here. With the amount of tension crackling in the air, a brush against the wall would be equivalent to a thousand cymbals crashing in cacophony.’

IM CRYING ALREADY. the imagery in here is GLORIOUS. your tone here is so fitting! oo and the alliteration here is perfecto

ooooooo!! the backstory coming in  👀👀

‘despite what some people think that Steve and Captain America are two different personas, there will always be parts of Steve in the Avenger, and parts of the Avenger in Steve. They both want to believe in something good. They are, after all, one in the same.// Just as how Bucky and the Winter Soldier are the same man despite everything. HYDRA simply amplified the hate, fertilized the seeds of rage, curated the quiet thunder within his soul, within James Buchanan Barnes so that the Winter Soldier could thrive.’

yIKES! lol this is very character study like! nICE. it hurts tho, my poor children, i love you both 

oo ‘starlight eyes’ that is a very nice way of describing them

‘“Then what was London?” The protesters. “São Paulo?” The earthquake. “Vancouver?” Freezing cold water.//“Look, I care if Stark’s gonna run us over trying to find her. I care enough because she’s part of our team. Come off it, Steve. I know she can take care of herself. I’m gonna take a nap. Dr. Cho said no partying post-Singapore and what do you know, we throw the biggest party ever.’

ooo singapore uwu and london? (coincidence? haha jkjk) and the hints abt reader and buckys background are so good?? but so annoying??? like i just wanna KNOW yknow?? 

‘The water runs copper and the sting bites at his palm as he tries not to think. Tries to focus on the numbing cold that runs over his skin.’ 

your imagery is so vivid?? im actually in awe??? i am so regretful i havent kept reading your fics. like i know they are amazing, i just keep putting them off??? idk man. hopefully this makes up for it (gd tho, im still not done with commenting on one fic. this is what im doing with my motivation teehee ;)

‘ He feels weak. Tired. He wants to go back to bed but he also wants to stay out in the sun for a few hours more. The sun kisses his skin through the windows and he squints against the blue sky, wondering ‘

mood during this quarantine lol

‘“Oh, right.” Your voice is flat, uninterested, cold, as you stare at him. “You killed my parents.”Shit.‘

 OUCH LMAO THATS C O L D, O GOT +100 PHYSIC DAMAGE FROM JUST READING THAT

ooo robin as a nickname noice. very much gives me batman vibes lol

oh! and the way of doing the ‘flashback’ is neat! very original. it both tells us what happened AND buckys reaction to it again. he can re-analyse himself and reader. very cool

‘If you walk away now, don’t bother coming back!” Silence. Bucky can hear his own strained breathing, your soft sigh as you soaked in his ultimatum.’

👀👀 yikes that ultimatum. :// not good bucky. tbf theyre both trying to hurt each other but Yikes

eyy!!! readers pov!! finally! and the switch after we find out the outsiders pov? brilliant

oh no :(( more angst

‘When’s the last time you saw your therapist?”“Don’t have one. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”’ they BOTH need therapists;;;;

very good fic!!! :DD they rlly do hate each other! i definitely like how you went back and forth with the timeline! it gave me a v strong idea on what yn was like even before we rlly got introduced. i am now very curious on where reader is? i love your characterisations! 

i will read the 10k+ fics but heck the last one took me ages lolol (i will comment in the future tho!! i promise <3 ) (that took me over an hour jjhghgdjh)

slipping away- amnesiac modern bucky x reader

omg,,, AMNESIA! >:DDDDDD

‘ Put your fucking seatbelt on’

oh no, istg theyre going to have a car crash arent they (’ doesn’t put the seatbelt on to spite you.’ NO PLEASE PUT IT ON U DUMBASS)

ok,,,,, at LEAST he put it on before he got hit, thank heck. but still. youre so cruel to your poor characters lmaoo

oh gosh

‘You fall apart slowly, like pieces of you peeling away until you’re nothing more than your broken heart. The sobs that wrack your body are relentless and you shove your forearm into your mouth to muffle your cries. You want to bite into your skin. You want to distract yourself from the agony tearing you to shreds. You want to feel anything but the pain.///Tears sweep into your hair, cloud your vision and your whole face floods with heat as you try to breathe through the pain. You’re cleaved into pieces on that bed, eyes squeezed shut as the tears keep flowing, and your throat burns’

this hurts damn, it is so vivid?? i can really feel it 

i am so glad you got into writing yk?? so glad

NO PLS, TELL HIM. TELL HIM :((( ‘shes nice once you get to know her?? shes known nat for years now!! years!!

oh god ‘he looks younger without the burden of your time together’ this is so angsty omg

‘Well, he was stumbling through his apology and I just let him finish.” Your body fills with warmth as you remember his embarrassed smile, the way he shoved his baseball cap farther down his head, chin tucked to his chest, trying to hide that face. “When he was done, I opened my mouth to say something polite but what came out was ‘You look like someone I’d very much like to kiss’.”

this is so soft i stg im crying in the club

OH SHITTTTTTTTTTT , you left it off like that!!! thats so cruel!!!! i can’t!!! how dare you!!!! :””””””((( im typing this with tears in my eyes ill have u know!!

anyway!!! very good fic!! you could honestly make that into a longfic very easily lol. i felt too many emotions :(( 

i was just about to say where is the fluff!! where is it!! when i saw the next one and yay :))) pls i cant have more angsty stuff rn

.

cookies and rings and things bucky and reader

‘how much do you love me?’ ‘count the snowflakes, multiply by a million’

did you have to start the fic off with such a SOFT line? its so soft! so TENDER 

‘He wonders what kinda insane person wears socks without any clothes on, but then decides that it’s the kind of person who’s fallen in love with him.’  jesus, the soft moments filled with love are the greatest <3

you can write fluff so well, whyd you have to pain me with all that angst ;””””) (1/10 hurt, 9/10 comfort is the way to go lolol) (jkjk ill read the angsty ones too when i have the spoons) (gonna reread that hydra steve one and ik thatll fuck me UP)

‘ Then, he can feel the cold metal of the ring she slid onto her own finger less than twenty-four hours ago and realizes that he had thought a lot of things shouldn’t be possible, and yet they still are. ‘

you literally brought me to tears reading this softness, you have truly found my weakness

‘ She’s so damn gorgeous with flour on her face and eye bags beneath her eyes that he’s sure she will inevitably make his heart burst ‘

he already likes her so much! i can’t believe this is affecting me so much :’)

‘Bucky is quite sure Sam is in love with his girlfriend in the fact that he’s in love with the fact that his girlfriend is possibly in love with Bucky’

this is so soft??? sam loves reader bc reader loves bucky sm. pls my hear <3333

you do fluff SO WELL DAMN 

‘F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s voice echoes in his small little perch and he still thinks it’s weird without having the side effect of Stark in his suit chasing after him to hear the A.I. but he shoves that uncomfortable feeling of the dead man out of his head. That is too much regret to unpack right now on a mission. ‘

yike bringing back that reminder oof

but thats so soft??? (i am def overusing soft but,,,,, i love it and the vibe) she sent him cookies! god i can feel the love  

‘She expresses her feelings through cooking, which Bucky has learnt the hard way. One time, they got into an argument over something stupid—he can’t even remember what started it—and came to the kitchen at 2AM to see her sitting at the kitchen island crying her eyes out and surrounded by baskets of muffins.’

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 my hEART

you show how much they love each other in so many ways??? i am dying

“Alright, I like it.” Rolling his eyes, he pecks her forehead and she smiles victoriously. It’s so adorable that Bucky, with less than three hours of sleep, adds, “God, I want to marry you.//”“What?”//Oh.Shit.

oh my god! i am literally tearing up!!! AGAIN!!!!!!!!

oh shit o am literally crying

your fluff got me crying harder than your angst i hope youre happy

I really hope you enjoy reading this?? i keep forgetting to like text you but i wanted to do something for your birthday. especially in quarantine when everythings gone crazy. one year i swear ill do something REALLY good for you. not making promises bc i hate if i dont. but ill like, learn how to podfic because you D E S E R V E  I T 

ive spent like three hours doing this lolol 

thank you so much for everything hayley!

#i love you sm hayley!!!! thank you for EVERYTHING #AND THIS IS A FIC REC PLS CHECK HAYLEYS STUFF OUT

[bluedraggy]

Beatrice Santello - Consequence

She turned around, opening her fists to reveal his meth and paraphernalia.

Casey’s face sank.

“Oh shit.”

She started off low, controlled. But the air in the room became charged with an electrical force, and Casey knew it was just a matter of time before the lightning hit.

“Casey, do you know what the police do when they find drugs inside a business?”

Casey also knew he had to take it. He nodded.

“They shut the business down, Casey. They seize it as evidence. But there’s worse. Word gets out. Eventually the business might reopen, but by then its reputation is ruined. They whisper about the ‘drug’ business in the back. It’s doomed, Casey. You can’t recover from that.”

Casey opened his mouth, but Bea shook her head.

“Casey, my mom died over a year ago. My dad is okay at home, but when he comes into this shop, he goes mental. I took over this place because I had to. And I screwed stuff up a lot before I learned how to run a business. But I had to. And the medical bills. Casey, have you ever seen a bill that’s nearly 7 digits long? We had to sell the house. We had to move into that crappy apartment. But even with all that, the Ol’ Pickaxe is all that’s keeping us alive.”

Bea stepped out from behind the counter, walking up to where Casey stood. The look on his face almost broke through Bea’s anger. Almost. She knew she must look awful, but he had done this to her. He should see his handiwork close-up.

“Casey, you know what’s coming. But before I say the words… was it real? Did you love me?”

Casey’s eyes were glassy and his voice broke.

“I did, Bea. I really did. Still do.”

“Kiss me once more then, Casey. Before the storm has to come. I loved you too. I swear I did.”

She felt his shaking arms enfold her and he kissed her fiercely. Momentarily she broke and accepted his kiss and returned it sincerely. All too soon it was over, but for a brief moment, she was broken.

But then the walls came up again and she turned stiff. Casey released her, crying now without sound.

“I knew I would fuck it up.”

“Casey, not here. I could have forgiven a lot. I knew who I was dealing with. But not here. This is my life Casey! Do you understand? Not here.”

“I had to put it som…”

“You didn’t think, Casey. You didn’t think about me. You could have ruined my life and my father’s life. No. There is no excuse possible. Casey, I loved you. You are worthy of love. You are not a bad guy. But this…”

She brought up the evidence and slowly crushed it before his eyes. The glass broke and bit into her fist, but she didn’t stop. Her anger was focused now on the goddamned drug. It hurt, but she kept squeezing because it didn’t hurt nearly as much as her heart hurt.

“Bea! Your hand!!!” Casey cried.

“Fuck my hand Casey. Fuck this goddamn drug. I’ll heal. You won’t. Now get the hell out, Casey Hartley. Get out of my life and never come back. I never want to see you again. Do you understand? NEVER!”

Casey hesitated.

Bea held threw the bloodied crap to the floor and stomped on it. SHe thrust her bleeding hand out and pointed to the door.

“GET THE HELL OUT OF MY STORE!”

That got him moving. He took one look back, but she hadn’t moved.

“FUCK YOU CASEY HARTLEY! GET OUT!”

He left her life, closing the door gently behind him.

Bea balled up her bleeding fist and dripped all the way to the bathroom where she rinsed her hand, not feeling the pain. She plucked shards of glass from her fist while barely able to see through her blurry eyes. Then she wrapped her hand up with paper towels.

“BEA?” called the voice of Germ. “Bea! Where are you?!”

“I’m in here Germ. I cut myself.”

Germ came into the bathroom, a panicked look on his face.

“Bea. You’ve got to get someone to look at that. You’re bleeding a lot! It’s all over the floor.”

“Can’t afford it,” Bea said weakly, then sat on the toilet, her hand still in the sink.

“Come on. One of my aunts is a nurse. She can fix you up.”

“Thanks Germ,” Bea said, feeling weak and spent. She looked at the trail of blood she’d left. There was quite a bit.

Germ grabbed a stack of brown paper towels and ushered Bea out the back.

“Lock the door,” Bea reminded him, and he left her to lock the front door of the Ol’ Pickaxe before helping her out the back way.

He got her into the passenger seat of her car and sat in the driver’s seat.

“You ever driven before, Germ?” she asked. The towels in her fist were red and she was starting to feel faint.

“Sure. In my driver’s ed class. I’ll manage Bea.”

And he did manage. It wasn’t pretty, but he got her to his house. Bea was barely conscious by then. She vaguely saw a bunch of birds clucking over her and something was pecking at her hand. Pecking HARD. But she had no strength to complain.

She woke up only an hour later, apparently in somebody’s bed. Germ was beside her.

“Oh hell Germ. Was it that bad? I fucking passed out?”

“Yeah. Sorry, but your car’s a mess.”

Bea looked at her hand. It was wrapped in gauze. A woman came in. Big woman.

“Hi Bea. I’m Margie. Looks like you cut yourself pretty bad. What happened?”

“Ah. Just stupid. I broke some glass in my fist.”

“Well, you should be alright. Pretty clean cut, but it’s going to hurt like hell. You got insurance? You should go to a doctor.”

Bea shook her head. Insurance was one of the first luxury items to go when the bills started to come in. Fat lot of good it had done for them.

“Thought so. Nobody around here has insurance. I’ve left some pain pills, an antibiotic treatment and replacement bandages in your bag. Leave the bandage in place till tomorrow, and keep it dry. Tomorrow change the bandage but continue to keep it out of water. By the third day, it should be healed enough to clean gently. Take the antibiotics once a day for 10 days. The pain pills, just take them as you need them.”

“Thanks Margie. But I need to get back.”

“You’re in no shape to drive, girl. Germ? You want to drive her back in town?”

“Sure! Gotta get my bike anyway.”

“Be careful today too, Bea. You’ve lost quite a bit of blood. You’re going to feel weak. Just sit or lie down as much as you can.”

“I will. Thanks Doc.”

“Pffft. I’m no doctor. RN. And that schooling was expensive enough!”

“You know how to fix things. You’re a doctor,” Bea smiled as she got up. “Come on, Germ. Let’s get back to the shop.

Her hand started throbbing on the way back, but she didn’t care. She didn’t even complain about Germ’s less-than-professional driving skills. She looked out the window as the rain began to fall. She thought about Casey. She worried about him, but she knew she shouldn’t. What was done had to be done. But people their age… they get bad ideas when things go wrong. Hopefully he wouldn’t be one of those, but you never could tell for sure. She didn’t want him dead. Just out of her life.

They spent a few minutes in the Pickaxe cleaning up the mess and throwing out Casey’s paraphernalia. Bea put the meth bag into the toilet. Then she sat and let nature take its course. She had to admit to a twinge of perverse justice as she flushed it all down. It had shit on both her and Casey’s lives. It was only fair.

“Okay Germ. That’ll do. I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said when she emerged.

“You don’t want to take a day off or something?”

“Can’t. The paint is being delivered tomorrow.” “You okay?”

“Okay enough, Germ. With your help.”

She let him out the front door, then locked it behind her and started the long walk back home. It wasn’t normally long, but the rain was starting to freeze on the car windows parked along Main Street, and it was getting slippery out - but she made it home alright.

She told her dad about the cut and Germ’s aunt. She didn’t mention Casey. FInally after dinner she retired to her room. She turned on the laptop, but found she didn’t want to talk to anyone, and shut it back off again.

Then she started to cry again. As usual. As typical. The only difference was what she was crying about this time. It never failed. The inertia always brought her back to this.

But then she reconsidered and the tears stopped. It actually had been worth it, she decided. She really knew what love was now. She knew how deep it went. Even if she’d only felt it for a few days, she understood now what she could never have understood before. Like Germ, she could have sympathized, but she could never really have known it before.

She thought about that guy from Math Camp. It wasn’t his fault. She wasn’t in love. How could it have been good? She’d dodged a bullet with Casey. It would have been good. She knew it would have. Could lightning strike her a second time? Would she ever feel that way again?

“Nobody knows,” she thought, “but only the dead feel no pain.”

She still felt the loss as keenly as that moment she’d looked at Casey’s heartbroken face. But already she was looking beyond Casey. Not for another love, but just looking forward to life. You never knew what the next day would bring. Boring sameness usually. But not always. Sometimes it brought something new. There would be something new for her. Maybe not tomorrow, but eventually.

She went to sleep on her wet pillow, hand throbbing and worried about Casey. But she went to sleep.

#nitw #night in the woods #fanfiction #bea santello #beatrice santello #jeremy warton #casey hartley

[jazzbits]

I’m not going to tag anyone on this but if you’re up to the task feel free to copy, paste, and tag me so I can read your answers!

1. Is there a special person in your life? My mom, dad, bro and hmm ekis

2. Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

I guess uhm yes

3. What’s something you really want right now?

uhm fruits ahh sushi!! I haven’t had my dinner yet and I’m starving.

4. Are you afraid of falling in love?

It’s not an option right now. But if it was the right person I would be fine with it hehe pag naka move on na ako.

5. Do you like the beach?

super yes

6. Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

nah

7. What’s the background on your cell?

My cat

8. Name the last four beds you were sat on?

hotel room's bed, mom and dad's, mine and hmm ate sachi

9. Do you like your phone?

I guess! It’s just an iPhone 6.

10. Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

 No, not at all.

11. Who was the last person added to your contacts?

kuya dexter's.

12. Which hurts most, physical or emotional pain?

Emotional… It lasts longer.

13. Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

BOTH OMG

14. Are you tired?

Yes! I slept in so late this morning but still exhausted from last night.

15. How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

Probably about 3 years.

16. Are they a relative?

some of them

17. Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

Well… There’s a reason why they are an “ex” so hopefully yes hahaha jk

18. When did you talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

hmm

19. If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

No, that’s not an option right now.

20. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

I don’t know.

21. How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

two

22. Is there a certain quote you live by?

I don’t really live by any specific quote.

23. What’s on your mind?

hmm her,  tbh, we used to do this thing like randomly.. she'll be like "sige na magtanong ka pa, ang tagal naman ehh" haha enough kwento naman tayo nito

24. Do you have any tattoos?

no

25. What is your favourite colour?

the color of her eyes

26. Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

No clue!

27. Who are you texting?

Kei.

28. Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

nah

29. Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

Yes! Lots of times.

30. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

Yes

31. Do you think anyone has feelings for you right now?

uhm yeah

32. Has anyone ever told you, you have pretty eyes?

Yes

33. Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

I don’t think that would happen but I would probably be upset.

34. Were you single on Valentine’s Day?

No.

35. Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

never been kissed never been touch but totally damaged AMP

36. What do you friends call you?

jazz, bhe, babe, tayan, etc hahah 

37. Has anyone upset you in the last week?

Yes.

38. Have you ever cried over a text?

Y E S

39. Where is your last bruise located?

wrist

40. Where is it from?

myself

41. Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

Right now

42. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

natalie

43. Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

CLN, WB, NIKE,

44. Do you wear hats if you’re having a bad hair day?

No. I wear hijab

45. Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

No.

46. Do you make supper for your family?

Yes.

47. Does your bedroom have a door?

Yes.

48. Top 3 webpages?

Email, Youtube and Tumblr.

49. Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

My brother

50. Does anything on your body hurt right now?

My heart..jaw

51. Are goodbyes hard for you?

They can be depending on the person.

52. What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

Water probably.

53. How is your hair?

it's all good rn

54. What do you usually do first thing in the morning?

Get out of bed then wash my face

55. Do you think two people can last forever?

It’s definitely possible but you have to put the work in.

56. Think back to January 2007, were you single?

yessss

57. Green or purple grapes?

I like both.

58. When’s the next time you will give someone a big hug?

Probably when get home. aye mom and dad I miss you a lot

59. Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

Yes, in her room..I want to hug her and thank her for everything she did for me :)

60. When will be the next time you text someone?

Right now.

61. Where will you be 5 hours from now?

Mandaue again and again, Mall uhm bank

62. What were you doing at 8 this morning?

eating

63. This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

Yes <3

64. Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

Four actually! mom, dad, my cat, and her

65. Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

Nope.

66. What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

I was crying..dying hmm 

67. Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

Countless times…

68. How many windows are open on your computer?

Two! Facebook and Tumblr.

69. How many fingers do you have?

10… 

70. What is your ringtone?

The default iPhone one

71. How old will you be in 5 months?

22

72. Where is your mom right now?

hometown, cotabato city

73. Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

hindi siya masaya sa piling ko oh divaa tagalog naman

74. Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

no

75. Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

Yes I think most of them.

76. Do you remember who you had a crush on in grade 7?

Um yiz

77. Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

enriquez

78. Have you ever fallen asleep in someone’s arms?

no

79. How many people have you liked in the past three months?

Only one.

80. Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

Yes my cousin

81. Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

i want to but hahaha no?

82. You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

I don’t do that and I wouldn’t be in my car drunk.

83. If your bf/gf was into drugs would you care?

OFC

84. What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

not impressed

85. Who was your last received call from?

mom

86. If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

No?? What’s with some of these questions?

87. What is something you wish you had more of?

TIME, COURAGE, AND CHANCE

88. Have you ever trusted someone too much?

Yes, I have a habit of that.

89. Do you sleep with your window open?

OFC NOT UGH SO SCARY HUH

90. Do you get along with girls?

uhm yeah

91. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

No.

92. Does sex mean love?

I mean I would like to think it does but it doesn’t all of the time.

93. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

Potentially could be.

94. Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

no

95. Did you sleep alone this week?

Yes, downstairs @sofa hahaha

96. Everyone has somebody to make them happy, do you?

Yes.

97. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Possibly?

98. Who was the last person that you pinky promised?

none

99. How many kids do you want?

shiz we used to like having 10 or more? lol and honestly agreed but now..uhm maybe 2 baby girl and a baby boy

100. Do you like doing tags? sometimes lol

#Asks #100 questions

[xtisumi]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Hope you enjoy the long journey that is reading ur bday msg mwhahahaha @aoutd 

*Sorry for this super long post, but this is for you so I know you’re going to appreciate it! Anyways I’m splitting this msg into three parts just because there’s a lot that I have to say and I want to organize it a bit so you could understand it easier! With that being said...

- Part One - 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY dude I’m going to say this a lot throughout the post so sorry if it loses value but IDC I FUCKING LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. You’re one of the best gifts life could have ever given me. You’re one of the greatest human beings, dude to me you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met and I’m just so fucking grateful that in less than a year we managed to become best friends. You’ve been so amazing to me and sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve you :( However I’ve enjoyed every single second that we’ve hung out. Whether it was watching Haikyuu!! or trolling you in ToS, teaching you how to play golf and later minecraft. Our random playful fights on discord or sitting in a call with you till 5 am just talking. Our first time rocket riding or when you first showed me BTS. I’ve enjoyed every single second being in your comforting presence. I fucking mean it when I say you make me the happiest person alive!!! Hopefully you enjoyed having me in your life :3 DUDE everything about you MAN HOLY FUCKING SHIT just I love everything about you like you truly are one of the most stunning, amazing, dorkiest, prettiest, smartest, strongest people that I know. You deserve the fucking universe and I just like fuck I just wanna wrap my arms around you and bury my head in your shoulders and just cry to you about how much I love you. I wanna feel the warmth of your body and be comforted by your energy and just be there hugging you and not wanting to let go :( I’m so happy we were able to meet and I hope you have the greatest birthday you’ve ever had!!! One day I’ll be there in person for your birthday. 

- Part Two - 

So I want to change the tone up a bit and kind of reflect on some things. If some parts are more serious than gay, I’m sorry but I wanna address some things. First thing I want to mention is that so far we’ve had an amazing friendship, everything about it seems perfect but we’re both mature enough to know even our friendship has flaws. If we want this to last then we both need to be mature about future complications. So far we never really fought or got genuinely mad at each other and I really hope it stays that way but like I said we’re both mature enough to understand that there will be times where we fight or argue and may cause problems. I’m bringing this up because the easy part was getting to that bff level while now the hard part is ensuring we last forever. I have faith that if fights occur we both will act like adults and own up to our actions and we get through any altercations that can cause turmoil between us. Dude ily and this friendship too much to see it end over pity shit so here’s to us working any trouble out together as adults <3 Now I wanna just talk about what you and your presence have meant to me. Kelly you’re by far one of the best things to ever happen to me. In every aspect you’re just too amazing and stunning and it’s just sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve you in my life. You’re one of the best humans on this planet and you’re fr a God. I love everything that you and your friendship has bestowed onto my life. You have no idea how grateful I am to have met you and how lucky I am to be living at the same time as you. Dude I’m serious you have made me cry in private because of just all the feelings I have for you. I love you so fucking much that it pains my heart and at times at night I cry because you simply exist. Not to get emo but I fear not death itself but what follows death... The earth is 4.5 billion years old and I only lived 20 years of that and I don’t remember the moment when I took my first breath. So when I die will I even remember my life? Will everything be blank and my existence transcend beyond this realm and into an empty void? This scares me because when I die I might forget you and my own life. I only have one life to live and I just so happened to have fallen in love with you. Now I know you just want to be friends and I respect that but the reason I’m saying all of this is because even as friends please let us make lifetime memories that I can cherish even in my final moments. I don’t want to ever forget you but if death causes us to forget each other and the life we lived then please let me have more memories with you. For about one year worth of being friends, we made some amazing personal memories and I really want to continue making new ones. You became a big aspect of my life now so I don’t want to feel like there’s things that we weren’t able to do. Another thing is we really got to meet up soon. Before 2018 I asked if you saw us meeting irl and you said probably. I never brought it up the subject that we should meet especially throughout the summer since tbh I’m not ready to meet you and also the vibes you give off rn makes it seem that you would see it more of a drag. Hopefully in 2019 we do meet up and you feel so excited to the point you’re running through people just to get to me :3 Seriously I want you to show me Chicago because I hardly explored it myself. Also I promised your little angel of a sister that when I meet you I was going to give you the painting I made for her ^~^ speaking of your siblings (you should feel more happier than I should) but I’m glad CoolGuy and your sister actually love me. It fr warms my heart knowing that they like me and even though I don’t know your other brother, I hope he sees me in the same way that your other siblings do :D I wanna meet your little sister one day and give her the warmest hug ever dude she fr an angel and I love her so much and even though she already knows... I want to tell her in person how much I love her older sibling Kel

- Part 3 -  

Okay sorry switching the tone a bit or whatever. Part One being that standard gay msg you’re familiar with and Part Two being some weird shit idek. So for this final part, I wanna just make this something that can bring the biggest smile on your face!!! What better way to approach it by stating that I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH IT ACTUALLY HURTS MY HEART ON GOD. I love that you’re a dork, I love your stupid giggle when we talk, I love making you smile, that damn fucking smile is something I will see with my own two eyes, I love your cheesy jokes/remarks, I love your personality, I love the fact we’re so similar and how we can relate to each other. You’re seriously the best fucking friend I could ever ask for and I’ll always cherish this bond that I was able to make with you dude. I’m never going to find someone else like you. Okay time for some cheesy lines to make you do that damn adorable giggle 

- If you were a flower, you’d be a sunflower (my fav flower and it shows that you’re my sun ^~^)

- If you were a book, I’d never put u down jk I’ll slam u on my desk and read u all night long LMFAO jkjk

- If you were a restaurant, you’re ass would fr be a 5 star one cause GODDAMN you’re a whole ass meal. Like the gods fr ain’t have to go all out on creating u :p the fact ur single is fr the 8th wonder of the world

- If I was able to listen to your voice at night, I’d finally be able to sleep with your monotone ass voice LMFAO jkjk I love hearing that warming and comforting voice. Not to be thirsty on main but like I’d fr would love to be in your arms and have you talk with that lovely voice and help me sleep :( 

Dude I’m fr so blessed to have met you and I’m just the happiest when I’m with you. Being fr posts like these could never fully grasp how much I actually love you and I just wish for the best for you! I fucking can’t wait to see how successful you’re going to become. You work so damn hard and I’m so fucking proud of everything you’ve achieved so far dude I know this is a weird request but please let me, if possible, be invited to your college graduation :( Like I want you to come to mines as well dude but yeah I want to be there in person and just see your little ass walk on that stage and get the diploma and degree that you’ve spent hours busting ur ass off for. I would fr cry dude being serious like that’s my little Kells, everyone look at them look at how amazing they are :’) Hopefully you love this message and also I hope you do have an amazing birthday <333333 One day I will fill that void in your life and tell you in person how much I love you

Believe it ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️     

*U call me Naruto from time to time so here’s a perfect gif of how I would actually be irl smiling at ur beautiful ass <3

#Dude u fucking mean the world to me #You're such a special person and a one of a kind #I love you so much more than you could possibly imagine #sorry for being gay but dude i just cant help it #making this post fr made me tear up

[ahmuteun]

All pleease

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

Uuuuhhhhh n LOL whoops

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Depends on the situation but I think I’m more on the shy side

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

heheHEEHEHEHEH LET’S NOT GO THERE

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I mean I think so but idk

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

O boy

I mean he has the one time I died soooo

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Idfk man, I don’t have a type

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

LOL idk I’ll probably die single but I’ve been wrong before. H and t would probably say yes buT WE DON’T KNOW THE FUTURE NOW DO WE???

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

It depends on the context/ situation

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Uummmmm I’m not sure, it was probably h or n maybe??

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“When do u wanna go?”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Moonlit lilac sky - jas

You and me - yoon mi rae

Countless - shinee

All night - soyou

History - rich brian

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Yeah it’s nice

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Eeehhhhhh I guess I believe in luck but I do believe in miracles

15. What good thing happened this summer?

HAH

I mean I don’t know if I can list just one good thing that happened because, aside from all the drama and crap that went down, it was a good summer spent with people that I care about and created good memories with

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

I mean I plan on it so yes

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

I do cause statistically speaking, it’s so unlikely that we’re the only living things in the universe, even if it’s just tiny little microbes

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

Nah, I hardly ever spoke to him cause I was a shy little third grader LOL

19. Do you like bubble baths?

I don’t like baths at all lmao

20. Do you like your neighbors?

I mean I only talked to one of them but he seems chill so sure

21. What are your bad habits?

Procrastinating and making bad decisions™

22. Where would you like to travel?

Korea, but I still wanna go to Canada for spring break. Or just visit New York

23. Do you have trust issues?

Yep LOL

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Idk I don’t think I have a favorite part

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

Most of it LOL but specifically my belly and arms/ shoulders

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Wonder why I woke up before my alarm or snooze my alarm LOL

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

I’m already super pale and I’m fine with that so neither

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My best buds: jen, cat, h, n, and t

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Oof I mean I don’t really have one so nah

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Let’s cross that bridge when/ if we get there LOL

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

I would cry if it wasn’t

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Idk man I can’t be bothered to figure out two celebrities I would want to bang

33. Spell your name with your chin.

No

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

HAH no

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

Tv, easily

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

O yeah

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Idk I guess I just try to keep the conversation going however I can

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

I don’t have one

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Forever21, h&m, idk that’s it I think

40. What do you want to do after high school?

I’m already in college so

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

No, it depends on the situation

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

It depends lmao wot

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Depends

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Space cause that’s probably safer

Wait no, bottom of the ocean and I can just fuckin die LOL

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

The fact that I have shit I need to do

46. What are you paranoid about?

People finding out my secrets I guess??? Or something happening to the people I care about

47. Have you ever been high?

Nah, I mean I was once I got my wisdom teeth out but I don’t think that counts lol

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Yep LOL

Side note: my tolerance is not what it used to be :c

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

I mean people are already finding out so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

HAHAHA pink lmao

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Maybe when I was younger but not anymore

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My body/ weight lmao

53. Favourite makeup brand?

Idk, I have a lot of tarte stuff so probably tarte

54. Favourite store?

Foverver21 probably

55. Favourite blog?

Idk I don’t have one

56. Favourite colour?

Blue

57. Favourite food?

KOREAN FOOD

58. Last thing you ate?

A sandwich

59. First thing you ate this morning?

A banana pancake

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Idk I don’t think so

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

No, I’m a fuckin pansy

62. Been arrested? For what?

nOPE

63. Ever been in love?

I thought I was at one point but looking back, no

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

It’s honestly v underwhelming and not worth telling

65. Are you hungry right now?

I’m rlly full rn but h wants to go get pho with n later so hopefully by then I will be lmao

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

Nah, I don’t think I ever could cause my real friends have done so much for me

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Idk both cause I use both

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Nah I’m watching youtube

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Jen, cat, h, n, and t

71. Craving something? What?

BOBA FUCK

72. What colour are your towels?

White

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

Two if I’m at my own apartment LOL wot

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Nah

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

Like three?? I had more but my mom got rid of them :c

75. Favourite animal?

My bb duke

76. What colour is your underwear?

Black

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Vanilla I think? It depends

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

I’m too indecisive to have a flavor lmao

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Black

80. What colour pants?

Black LOL

81. Favourite tv show?

Grey’s anatomy

How to get away with murder

Brooklyn 99

Criminal minds

Idk there’s probably more but I can’t think of them

82. Favourite movie?

I have too many

The prestige

Star wars

Indiana jones

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

I never saw the second one so

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

I never saw jump street lmao

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

I don’t have one

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

I dunno, squirt was cute

87. First person you talked to today?

N LOL

88. Last person you talked to today?

Wait it was also probably n LOL

89. Name a person you hate?

I don’t hate anyone

90. Name a person you love?

My brothers

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

yES O MY GOD

92. In a fight with someone?

No not really???

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Like one lmao

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

Well sweaters idk but I own like two hoodies but idk where one of them is soooo

95. Last movie you watched?

Uhhh venom I think?

96. Favourite actress?

Idk I don’t have one

97. Favourite actor?

See above

98. Do you tan a lot?

I’m called “ghost” for a reason so no LOL

99. Have any pets?

Yep

100. How are you feeling?

Very full lmao

101. Do you type fast?

I mean I can type at a relatively quick speed

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Yep LOL

103. Can you spell well?

No not really lmao, but I’m not completely awful at it

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Uh, I mean if I can’t think of anyone I guess I don’t

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Nah

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

LOL I mean apparently

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Yeah

108. What should you be doing?

Going home and getting ready

109. Is something irritating you right now?

I mean kind of

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Uh no?

111. Do you have trust issues?

Wasn’t I asked this already??

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Everyone at tsdon lmao

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Uhhh “court” or “court court” as Jonathan would say lol

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Ye, I go to school out of state

115. Do you play the Wii?

Not really anymore

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Still watching youtube lol

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Ye

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Ye, I really want egg drop soup

119. Favourite book?

Idk man

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Nah

121. Are you mean?

I mean I like to think that I’m generally a nice person or I try to be

122. Is cheating ever okay?

On tests/ assignments, sure. On people, no

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

I just wash them lol

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

No cause I’m not a fuckin idiot lmao

125. Do you believe in true love?

Idfk man

126. Are you currently bored?

Meh I’m not that bored

127. What makes you happy?

Spending time with my mates/ loved ones

128. Would you change your name?

Probably not

129. What your zodiac sign?

Gemini woooo

130. Do you like subway?

Ye

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

HAH jokes on u, he used to but I already rejected his bitchass

He’s still one of my best friends tho, I’m really glad to have met him

Holy shit, that was like around this time last year woah

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Didn’t I answer this too???

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

The lyrics from moonlit lilac sky by jas, you and me by yoon mi rae, and honestly by eric nam

134. Can you count to one million?

I mean I could but I don’t want to

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

I dunno I can’t recall rn

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Open cause the ac unit is in the other room

137. How tall are you?

5’2, I’m smol

138. Curly or Straight hair?

My hair is straight/ kinda wavy

But if u mean preference then idk I don’t have one

139. Brunette or Blonde?

I don’t have a preference

140. Summer or Winter?

Winter, I hate the heat

141. Night or Day?

I like both

142. Favourite month?

Any fall or spring months

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Hell no lmao

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

I like dark and milk

145. Tea or Coffee?

TEA cause I’m a little bitch and I don’t like the taste of coffee

146. Was today a good day?

Yeah, I mean I hated working out but it was still a good day

147. Mars or Snickers?

I’m not crazy about either

148. What’s your favourite quote?

Idk, the quotes I used to really like don’t really apply anymore

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes, cause I am one LOL

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

I’m in the study section of the library and I can’t be bothered to go find a book in the stacks so I’ll pass lmao

#thanks for asking c: #i-have-never-once-let-you-go #reply #ask

[riskeith]

aside from that, ur graphics must look incredible! i’ve seen some comparison pics and pc graphics are God Tier. help the second lowest being “high”... good riddance. 😶

summer 2016! it seems so long ago like a whole different universe. everything was so beautiful back then.. everybody was out and about hunting pokémon’s... that zine is so cute! i wouldn’t say main i actually only got into them a little while ago and i’m still mostly tddk and kiribaku but bkdk is interesting.. to say the least. i haven’t seen what happens in the manga (only a bit of spoilers especially that cover...) and s4 didn’t give us That many scenes with them but i’m keeping my eyes open... wbu?

IDK like their descriptions make it seem like they might help you find some specific treasures??? like the gold seelie giving you fortune aka mora? not sure tho hehe... YEAH THAT FANART!!! so cute i wanna eat them all.. forbidden snack. 🥺 omg funny you mention that... i met xiao just earlier for the first time and when i saw his entire outfit i was like.. hm i wonder what he would look like in darker clothing HAHA. but yeah skins would be awesome!!!! like a clothing shop or smth somewhere????? anyway when i saw him i was like HEY that’s cluna’s boy!

ALBEDO IS A BAD BITCH. his hair is perfect perfect perfect. actually everything about him is so perfect he’s just a delicate little guy... 🥺 dude us talking about albedo and opening up the game and seeing his banner is like... 👀 temptation.

with venti??? i’m not sure which quest you mean i did the archon one with him though and it was awesome. does he have more? I DID LOOK IT UP AND MURASE IS MAKING HIS VOICE EVEN HIGHER AND IT’S SO CUTE I WISH I KNEW IT BEFOREHAND SO I COULD’VE HEARD HIS VOICE WHILE DOING THE MISSION. 😭 oh well 😭

hopefully there are some good 4 stars too. who are you wishing for? anyone special? imagine having xingqiu and chongyun.... that’s like the dream. and bennett and razor and you have the boy scout party haha!! do you have mostly claymore users?

i remember you mentioning you don’t like book users but i’ve actually really grown to love them hehe. their long range attacks are so nice and handy! KAZE DA! 😭 bro stop i literally have a crush on venti it’s ridiculous.. imagine closing ur eyes and talking and it’s his voice.... (OR HINATA!!!) murase is so lucky... he seems like such a great guy too ajsksjdk..

ok friends to lovers goodness! 🥺 i’m considering getting twitter just to see fanart... maybe.. o.o

ooooo that’s so thorough! in all caps caught my attention, why do you do that? personally, if it’s something longer i write bulletpoints of the concept but never like... actual plot yk? i’ve tried before but i doesn’t work for me very well. so.. i wing it! and like you i just get inspired randomly, it could be from song lyrics or thinking about tropes i enjoy. 😜

loona is cool! they have this whole story about their group. i highly recommend checking them out! i wonder if they kept it up though lmao. oh yeah everyone loves hozier he just speaks to the soul.. LOVELY IS MY FAVORITE SONG!!!!! LIKE EASILY TOP SONGS OF MY LIFE!!! it makes me so happy that you like it even if you skip it lmaojsjdjsjsjdk and i like billie a lot!! ariana too she has great music.., idk if you’ve heard of the group the neighborhood but i like them too. lana del rey as well! haha guess it’s super basic stuff tbh. all of them with mostly slow songs.. sorry 😭

OK GOOD. all nighters are honestly horrible. i don’t get how people can pull them off and get things done... (hopefully you never have to either!) YEAH haha 8 am is my favorite hour i think... that and 9 pm. they’re just special. what’s your favorite time of day? listen if you stay up to read fics that’s valid. midnight up is like the perfect time to read fics it makes them appear more magical sjdkdhdk.

i hope i caught you today but if not, hope you’re sleeping well babe! ♥️

sorry i was playing genshin! JFKSNXKSNKSJ i started before 12am and before i knew it it was already 1am… my goodness

and yeah i watched this vid comparing the graphic quality settings (i play on the default one) and i was like??? people really be playing like this? LOL can’t relate

edit: missed this paragraph oops but yeah what a time 2016 was! (lmao voltron started that year iirc) i remember we had an athletics event and legit everyone was on their phones jfksnfksnd. oooo! nice tddk and krbk are very good very nice. and also yeah that cover lol i love that you didn’t even have to specify which one i just Know. hmm i think rn bkdk would be one of the top ships i’m interested in aside from todobaku? they just have so much history ya know? and they have a lot of moments in the second movie! oh wait did you know that there are movies? two of them in fact!! the kiribaku is pretty strong in the first one (but there are some todobaku moments too lol). and there are a few OVAs too. WAIT are you all caught up with the anime? can’t rmemeber if you’ve told me or not 😫

oooo if that were the case tho what would the others give? i did like the “sea blue” description or something of the blue one tho 😩 YOU WANNA EAT THEM FJDJCJSKNCSKJCKSNXJS NO!!! but i can understand.. they look very squishy. THAT’S MY BOY!!!!!! honoured you thought of me <33 yo i was also wondering what chongyun would look like in darker clothes too HDKSKDN see this is why i need to learn how to draw.… gotta put them in the clothes i want since we can’t do that in game!! but a shop would be so cute omg

JFKSKSKAKS i’ve legit been staying away from opening the wish menu as much as i can.… it’s too tempting i can’t!!

yeah the archon one is what i meant sorry! forgot the name for it lol. and yes there is! once you reach AR 35 or something you can unlock story quests and venti is one of them 👀👀 RIPPPP BUT AT LEAST YOU KNOW NOW 😭😭

i think just xingqiu rn!! i’ve been holding off ascending barbara in hopes of getting him, bc i grinded some oceanid (literally the worst fucking boss ever) before i ascended so i’m just hoarding those materials rn fjskdnd. yesss the boy scouts 😭🥺 but i heard chongyun and razor’s elemental skills cancel each other out so rip.. hmm i did a count and i think i have 3 each of claymore and catalyst users! hbu?

omg nooooo betrayal 😭 tho ngl i’m considering using ningguang bc i see people play her so well.. so i’m just carrying her around in my team hoping to passively level her up HAHAHA. i def appreciate their long range attacks too, lisa’s burst especially is quite nice. CHJDKSKD that’s so cute but also very relatable 😭😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺 also did you know murase is like tall af it’s kinda crazy lol

there’s /so/ much good fanart!!! it’s where i’m getting a taste of all the ships too lol but yeah there’s angst and fluff and just charas looking s*xy they’ve got it all 😩 but that also reminds me, like most other big fandoms genshin fandom is kinda fkn shit 😔 once again i’m thankful to myself for keeping such a small circle lmaooooo

honestly i don’t know either?? i think it helps me distinguish between what i’m actually writing vs what i’m planning like if i do something like “JUMPS OFF PLATFORM, LANDS IN FRONT. so, are you going to introduce me or do i have to do it myself ETC THEN THEY TALK SUDDENLY there’s the sound of a windchime, and VILLAINS HERE GOTTA FIGHT” it’ll look something like that jdjsndkskd where the lowercase is exact dialogue I wanna write in but the caps is just planning

but winging it ey that’s hot of you 🤪 god do you ever just like thinking about potential ideas before falling asleep but then your phone is far away/you don’t wanna hurt your eyes looking at a screen but then you’re also afraid you’ll forget the idea DJKSXKSK

:o! i think i stayed away bc of the whole “stan loona” thing DHSKKS but i might give them another shot! therefore i am is one of my go to songs rn hehe i really like the beats she uses they’re so funky. i don’t really like ariana sorry FJDJKSKS but she does have a lot of bangers!! side to side… 😘👌 and i do know the neighbourhood! sweater weather is so iconic but lately i’ve been skipping that too aahah. but have you heard daddy issues slowed? oh my god. that singlehandedly started my obsession with slowed songs (ironic isn’t it when you consider i don’t listen to normal slow songs fjsjdj) i like summertime sadness from lana! and young and beautiful too (the radio songs AHAH) but yeah.. they’re slow fjdkksks. how do you feel about halsey + melanie martinez + bastille? (i’m always paranoid about listing artists bc so many get cancelled or what other and i feel like randos are gonna come for me too JDKSKSKA.) oh and troye sivan!! and pentatonix if you’ve heard of them? i was obsessed with those two back in 2015 ahaha

omg crazy.. how!! hm my favourite hour is maybe 12pm? or 2pm? just some time in the afternoon i like when it’s still light outside but it’s also like “after school” time kinda .. and yesss reading fic at late hours… gets me crying more easily 🤪

i don’t think i’ll catch your next reply so goodnight in advance!! hope your day is great <3

#marriage anon #wowclunaanswers #long post #can’t tell if it should have a ‘read more’ or not bc i’m on mobile LOL #can’t insert one even if i wanted smh tmblr make your app better

[svt-stories]

Closure: Wonwoo

Love is such a concept. There’s family love, friend love and then love that can’t really be explained, but you still feel it for someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with. But, sometimes people miss their chances to get with the person they love, or they fall out of love. I missed my chance. I told the boy I loved, that I loved him and he didn’t accept me. After four years, he’s doing so well off, being a part of a boy group, being famous and being constantly showered with love and affection by fans. Not only that but now he’s with someone. I want to hate her, I want to be able to despise her. And yet I can’t, because he’s actually happy. How can he be so happy while I’m still hurting inside? After all the pain I’ve gone through by loving him? I need closure, I need to be able to say all the things I want to him.

~                                                ~                                             ~

“Wow, Y/N! It’s been a while!” Wonwoo said with a charming smile. I return the smile, weakly though. You’d thing after so many years I’d be okay with seeing him, and yet I’m not.

“Y-yeah, thanks for meeting me...I just um-wanted to talk to you about something..” My voice trails off as I take a sip of my iced coffee. The cafe we’re at is quiet, peaceful music playing softly in the background as other costumers enjoy their time. Wonwoo eyes me, an eyebrow quirked on his handsome face.

“What about?” I sigh as I look at him once again. I feel my heart skip a beat.

“About what happened, four years ago.” I said.

“Y/N. We’ve talked about it. I have a girlfriend now too. I don’t need to re live the moment with you. It kind of broke our friendship.” He said firmly. His words sting, I bite my lip to keep my emotions in check.

“Maybe you were able to get over it, but I haven’t alright? I’ve spent countless nights crying and staying up thinking what I did that screwed us up. You told me once you loved me then when I finally had the guts to say it back, your feelings had moved on. Maybe you are over it, but I’m not. I just want some closure, that’s all I’m asking for. So please listen to me?” I plead. Wonwoo’s eyes soften, a glint of sympathy in his eyes.

“Alright. I’ll listen.”

“When you told me you didn’t have any feelings for me, I broke. I haven’t been the same for four years. I haven’t been able to get over it, I haven’t dated anyone or even tried thinking about anyone else. Not only that but you, oh you kept baiting me into thinking you had some feelings for me. You suddenly got a girlfriend, but you always give me these lingering stares, those soft touches on my shoulder. They weren’t friendly Wonwoo, I felt like you might have had feelings for me again. For a while you seemed so sad and depressed with that girl of yours. She pushes you around, she manipulates you and make you do things that you wouldn’t have done before. I just want to know you’re happy. I want to be able to get over you and now have all these feelings keep coming up every time I have to see you.” I take a breath and try to read his face. Wonwoo looks at me, a mix of emotions going through his face, a little bit of sadness, anger and maybe even relief.

“You’re right okay? I wasn’t happy with Eunhee for a while, all these feelings I had for you kept resurfacing. I didn’t mean to lead you on, it just kinda happened. I’m sorry you had to go through that. But Eunhee and I fixed our relationship and I am truly happy now. I want you to be able to let go and find someone who will love you for the amazing person you are. Please Y/N, as your friend I want you to be happy.” Wonwoo said, he had a small smile as he said the last part. I can’t help but feel a whole wave of peacefulness wash over, small tears escape my eyes as I finally feel the large weight being lifted off my shoulders. Wonwoo and I stayed for a while after, just to catch up and then we said our goodbyes. For real this time too. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to see him again. It had to be a part of me letting him go. Now I feel that I can finally move on.

So this story is really close to my heart right now because I’m trying my best to get over this guy I’ve liked for almost 4 years now. I feel like I need to cry and just let it go but I can’t so writing about it is helping a lot. ahh i feel like shit and cant sleep...if anyone has anything to talk about hmu rn....

Aside from that depressing shit, HI MY LOVELIES! I know this blog is dead, and I can’t say I’m sorry enough times! I’m going through senior year right now and it’s kicking my ass. BUT I got accepted into a university!! I’m excited and hopefully I will try my best to write more. Thank you to all of you that took the time to read my story and this little note. I am going to work hard to graduate and make sure I write for all you lovelies!!

-RI <3

#seventeen #seventeen stories #seventeen scenarios #wonwoo #jeon wonwoo #seventeen fanfic #admin ri #angst? #kpop #kpop scenarios #kpop stories