#just another fuckin day

[kimberkingrivers]

Life just feel like it’s kicking anyone else’s ass?

Things are kinda looking up I actually feel hope, hope that doesn’t feel stupid or false, but still kinda feel like I’m drowning. That whatever I do it’s still not enough for the people around me.

Not wild enough, not old enough, not loud enough, not enough free time, not making enough money, not pretty enough, not religious enough, not smart enough

Or I’m too much, too straight forward, too traditional, too boring, too quiet, too busy, too focused, too aggressive

#justmedealingwithsomeseriousquesyionsaboutmyself

#why won’t you just listen to me? #don’t interrupt me #let me talk #hear my voice #my voice is falling on deaf ears sometimes #so thankful for the dogs that know I’m upset #why do people not listen? why do they assume crap instead of listening to what you have to say #best friends are the worst sometime #not that I hate her just frustrated because she won’t listen and is making dumb fuckin decisions #why can’t I just escape to a fictional world?? #reading #writing #why am i posting this #writers on tumblr #questions for tumblr #rants and ramblings #just another fuckin day #do people still do this? #do people still talk in the tags #cause I feel like I hide most of what I really want to say in the tags and it gets me in trouble when it comes to my business posts #why do I use tumblr for my business?? seems counter productive #🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ #tomorrow is another day #a new day #and it’s gonna be better #right? #it’s got to be #work and dr appointments tomorrow yay

[bixels]

Jesus man, relax.

#this was in response to me saying “lunar new year” on the rarity art #personal #delete later #what in insane nonproblem to get this angry about #i asked my parents (taiwanese immigrants) about this and they said we use either but prefer lunar new year #because it's inclusive to koreans and vietnamese people who celebrate on the same day #lunar new year is an umbrella term same as “happy holidays.” this person is basically getting mad i said happy holidays instead of #merry christmas. #my family and i identify more as taiwanese than chinese so. we're not gonna say chinese new year much anyways #i sent this to my mom btw and she replied with basically “die mad i guess.” love you ma #this literally doesn't matter anyways i could have said “chinese new year” to caption that post and it wouldn't have mattered #the only reason i didn't is because i plan on drawing another art including carol (coco pommel) who's korean and celebrates the same day #like. most people in china/taiwan don't care they just say “happy new year” cuz it's the fuckin new year. someone saying lunar new year is #not erasure it's not flattening asian identities into a monolith. it's just an umbrella term. #anyways happy lunar new year happy chinese new year happy tet happy spring festival happy seollal #like i cannot stress enough to you guys that these holidays are on the exact same day and celebrate basically the same exact thing. #this is not an issue.

[ricky-mortis]

Ok but Agent Curt Mega with long hair though?

#wow my second ACM drawing where he just has a different version of Curt’s hair #I will continue to do this #I’m slowly finding solace in Joey’s new lack of hair through this #(/hj) #anyways yeah as always- hella fun to draw #I’m so fuckin pumped for the digital ticket to be released #I’m going to watch it so many times #i could go on for paragraphs about how much I love this show #i love drawing this guy #(is it obvious?) #also wow three consecutive days of art #(now I need to work on schoolwork and work work bc good lord) #does anyone read these? #idk but they’re fun #I love doing silly little tags #fun fact: paper can be made from asparagus #follow me for more fun facts in the tags #I’ve decided I’m going to start doing that #because why not #spies are forever #curt mega #agent curt mega #tin can bros #tcb spies are forever #saf fanart #tcb fanart #spy another day #my art #:) #cw guns

[snackugaki]

.... i have been so normal about wanting to draw tactical!Venus and tactical!Jennika.

hey. HEY. y’all need to go check out @donathan ‘s artwork, and if you are the proper age, go throw some money into their patreon for some... some real, real good art. 👀👀👀 ...but do not if you are a minor, that shit ain’t for you.

some IDW TMNT comic spoilers... and.... I guess... Next Mutation ssspoilers? I know some of you kids haven’t turtled up and watched my beloved childhood iteration yet.

alright, so, y’know, completely normal expenditure of my energy and skillset, amirite? big big thanks to @/donathan for allowing me to play around in their AU’s aesthetic because I have severe, terminal VenusAndJennikaDeserveEverythingoccocal SoIWillManifestItMyselfitis.

and tbh, all y’all’s fics have been, mwah, chef’s kiss. but SOME of you put LORE. delicious, tasty, appetite-inducing lore.

and i am nothing but the littlest hoebag for lore.

okay so, quick rundown for those who both A) are immune to spoilers B) also do not know Venus or Jennika’s origins-- bulletpoint time~!

So Venus de Milo, the “girl turtle”, the “fifth turtle” (not counting April’s extremely brief stint as a white-bandana’d turtle in the Archie comics run) was introduced in 1997′s Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation

An episode of “The Toys That Made Us” touched upon Venus’ creation so idk it’ll cover what I won’t deign to acknowledge.

her backtory is interesting (just her show was a trashfire /affectionate)

Master Splinter’s frolicking around in the dreamscape where all the cool enlightened old people hang out away from teenagers, right?

but oh no! dragon lord, a bad dude with a widow’s peak to rival Vegeta Dragonball’s widow’s peak; is there too! stomping around, ruining shit!

Splinter’s dreamscape buddy Chung I warns Splinter to stay out of the dreamscape ‘cuz Dragon Lord’s around

And like in true old people fashion, just ignores his friend’s admonition and tries to investigate himself

bad choice, womp womp

Splinter gets trussed up and rendered “stuck” in the dreamscape

cue the catalyst for Venus to make the 10+ flight from China to the U.S

don’t worry about what the boys were doing, just literal surfing in sewer grey water, breaking their little turtle skulls on cinderblocks, and picking fights in warehouses with Foot clan goons

tl;dr Venus still has Sixth Ranger mode on, so naturally she whoops all of their asses in the dark, ties them up (like how some of y’all enjoy writing Leo does huhu nudgenudge winkwink)

venusistheoriginalshibarienthusiastandteadrinkerfightme

and then, y’know, it’s still the 90s and children’s television so blah blah the usual “oH My gOd a GiRL tURTle???/?? AWoooOOogaaa ga ga ga” 

it’s.... I mean, i’m 38 so it no longer strikes me as bad as just really fucking embarrassing... for them. to be written saying. fuck, at least they didn’t make her bandana color pink.

so fast forward to Venus teaching them to dreamwalk so they can go rescue Splinter from Dragon Lord’s clutches in the dreamscape.

unfortunately, Dragon Lord offscreen murders Chung I so Venus is narratively anchorless post-rescue, so she’s invited to stay with them. thus ensues wacky hijinks with their new pal, Venus Boom Boom de Milo.

I glossed over the urge to write a cumulative review of Next Mutation. Just, take my word as the target demographic of the show during the last gasps of 90s Turtlemania that TNM was a trashfire overall but... y’know... if you ever needed a palette cleanser after some grimdark or angsty TMNT content, give TNM a whirl. The slapstick was intentional and The Point in the show. Venus’ circumstances for coming was as serious as it would get.

... Also, yes, they made them not related in TNM, preteen snackugaki didn’t clock why because I watched a lot of wuxia as a kid so brotherhood is a term beyond blood ties to me (and if I’m being honest, martial brotherhood is fkkn metal) and later I heard tell that it was to lure more girls into the franchise with both a girl turtle and romance options. which idk whatevs man. 

I also have to clear that, actually no, Donatello and Venus did not fight EVERY episode. Donatello, despite sprinkling a little too much barely disguised snobbery, did defer to Venus’ expertise in “the supernatural” when the situation called for it, and Venus would commend Donnie on his scientific ingenuity. They even teamed up skillsets to create surveillance drones! She essentially casted Calm Emotions on him while he tried to hack the controls of the Astro Megaship back for the In Space Rangers. They breached the divide between STEM and Humanities! They only had one “real fight" near the end of the season-- because Donnie was playing his containment breach elevator mid trash copyright strike immune proto-EDM too loud while she was trying to meditate. and that’s just being bad roommates tbh.

...christ I know it’s gonna come up too, but also NO, there was not constant advances made toward Venus during the show. At most was Mikey pulling his ol’ “I work out every day~!” schtick for like 2 episodes of the 5 spent to introduce Venus. And then after? A shipper’s desert, you’d have to dig and peer behind like 8 curtains for any viable fodder. 

...OKAY NOW FOR JENNIKA’S ORIGINS: Jennika is an IDW character specifically so, naturally why she isn’t in (or would’ve been, AHEM) a lot of iterations yet (or at all, COUGH) (but to continue in honesty there’s a lot of legal tape to cut through since Jennika is IDW’s while TMNT overall is Nick’s) Introduced as a Foot Assassin, her place in the Foot Clan shifts when Splinter takes over from Shredder (Saki), eventually she forms actual bonds with both the turtles and Splinter to where it’s implied she also saw him as an important figure to her if not an outright surrogate father figure. And because TMNT is mess and drama the other 50% of the time, Karai takes over the Foot from Splinter and shenanigans compounded by Karai’s then-current machinations for the Foot-- results in Jennika getting shanked in the stomach by Karai during a clandestine meeting to resolve clan rivalry. She’s losing blood fast, Donnie works to save her and it’s Leo who volunteers for blood transfusion to keep her stable mid-transit. 

SURPRISE!

Leo’s blood mutates Jennika into a mutant turtle. And then Casey ghosts/dumps her. My poor daughter. She has a real rough time of it before fully integrating with the boys. Raph falls in with Old Hob, gets hoodwinked, and now they live in Mutant Town. Jennika slowly finds herself again, as a mutant turtle, a Splinter clan ninja, a girlfriend, a guitarist in a band she started, a sister in a found family, and a constable to a very little town.

okay! we’re all marginally informed about my two wonderfull daughters, Venus and Jennika~!

so if I can indulge further, I’m going to use my cognizance and make it everyone’s problem because I have beem quietly foaming with ideas for bg lore for tactical!J&V, more bullet points!

ok so, donathan mentioned a bit about their tac! Leo and Donnie being the snipers, Mikey and Raph spotting for them while also being demolitions and heavy ordinance specialists respectively

I would think, then for Vee and Jen, they’d be classified as close quarters combat specialists, complicated extraction? compromised area? call them to clean up and clear out~

give or take “magic” being a thing used in donathan’s AU, or anyone’s AU of this AU, Vee would probably be a close combat specialist along with Jen.

Vee, I feel, would, barring a ...”tactical fan”, (even though in TNM it was just her fists and her little wizard components but her toy came with a fan so.) probably use batons, Jen in lieu of her tekagi-shuko would... most likely use tactical karambit. not that large of a leap really.

for my personal lulz, Vee and Jen are... accurate, height-wise. Raph gets to be the biggest brother since alligator snapping turtles are, in fact, the largest motherfucking freshwater turtles on the north american continent. no getting around it.

my Vee in all Rise AUs is a softshell since the messy hanzi used to write her first given name, Mei Pieh Chi (美鱉气) has the hanzi that’s most commonly translated as softshell turtle (鱉). eh ‘di wow talaga

snacku what do you mean ‘accurate’???? tl;dr female turtles are usually the larger ones in most species.

and listen, I love and I mean LOVE, how some of y’all have written the tac!boys, mwah; but god I’m a professional turtle bully. I need to see them get dunked on. for nutritional value. and if it comes to it, I will provide that food for myself. brb laughing at eventually drawing Venus just offhandedly tossing Donnie into the air to skeet shoot his ass for fun brings me the greatest joy.

they absolutely dote on Mikey, as is the natural order of things. 

and even tho I stated TNM Donnie and Venus got along in the show, and depending on the existence of magic in this AU; I just really love dichotomous rivalries (in as much “science” and “magic” exist as a dichotomy, much less as “diametrically oppose” fields-- just, opposites man. i’m a simple girl with simple trope needs)

Vee’s arms (and legs) are absolutely covered in burns, scars, and missing flesh divots, just as close to swiss cheese limbs as you can be

Jen and Donnie debate tracks that go into their joint “On Our Way To Commit Murder” playlist

if Vee’s tactical look seem very familiar, and you’re wondering if-- yes, you’re correct. and you can “call her ms. de milo if ya nasty”

Vee was actually pretty calm and rational in TNM... but for this AU, she can be a little unhinged, as a well-deserved treat. (and ‘cuz that specific anime unhinged facial expression is fun as fuck to draw, which is my treat)

#giving me cognizance was a mistake #letting me learn to draw was another #I love Venus and Jennika #a HEALTHY amount I'd say #totally healthy & normal #:) #fuckin' turtles man #3 months into this new year #and it's turtles all the way back #this is why I trained for visdev #just chewing on things absently #and wondering how things would work In This World #figuring out how to fit something into an environment #a context #a situation #is my enrichment activity #not unlike #giving tigers huge slabs of meat in 3 feet of ice on a hot day #just sitting there gnawing away #until I get to the meat of it #both literally and figuratively #it's like a puzzle #that you can design the pieces themselves #but have I updated my visdev portfolio? #HAHAHA NO #TOO BUSY DRAWING FKKN TURTLES MAN #h elp #i listened to so many baddie playlists drawing this #i needa start a fight #get this extra energy out of my system

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

i don't know what order to start Dissecting, so i'll just start with:

it's absolutely fascinating how the dynamic Wally & Barnaby had - to my knowledge - before the update, and a dynamic i'd seen speculated elsewhere and generally accepted, has been completed turned on its head

see, given that Wally is the "main character" and Barnaby is classified as "his best friend", i got the feeling that Barnaby kind of... tags along on Wally's 'shenanigans'. that he's the sidekick, the best friend. especially since their dynamic has been previously & briefly described as "Barnaby is very polite to Wally." he's the Companion.

but the audios sorta paint a reverse picture. in the Interview, when Barnaby enters stage right, he completely bowls over Wally's introduction and dominates the interview. when the interviewer asks how the two of them are handling the fame, even outright asking Wally, Barnaby doesn't hesitate to answer the question himself, and only about himself. Wally doesn't get another word in edge-wise until the interviewer explicitly singles Wally out.

(now, an argument could be made that Barnaby knew that Wally was somewhat overwhelmed with all of the questions, and tried to take the reins to give him a reprieve. but, considering that the interview seems to be very early on the possible timeline - like, very soon after Welcome Home debuted - i don't think this is likely. i doubt Barnaby and Wally would've had the time to solidify their dynamic or really get to know each other that well yet)

and Barnaby continues to take point in pretty much all of their other conversations, too. like in the mystery Howdy/Barnaby/Wally audio, their interaction gives off the vibes that Wally is Barnaby's sidekick, his tag-along.

(on a related tangent, it's fascinating how the website described the episodes as "[beginning] with Wally introducing the focus or theme for the day before coming across other characters who would join him on his escapades until the end of the day." but from pretty much everything we've seen so far, it seems like He's the one who's just along for the ride, bouncing from neighbor shenanigan to neighbor shenanigan instead of having his own adventures.

of course, if the 14 audios are present time, which is honestly somewhat likely, this could be because the show isn't running. they aren't doing episodes - they're just existing, doing their things. no need for Wally to take point in any way shape or form. tangent over)

in the 14 audios with Barnaby, he doesn't even acknowledge Wally until the very end - which, of course, could be because that's how the scenes are set up. except that in some of them, the characters do directly acknowledge Wally's presence outside of the endings. Eddie in 5-14, Howdy and Poppy in 1-14, and Frank in 4-14 (technically, since he was infodumping to Wally at the very start before Barnaby interrupted). you'd think that a guy would try to include his best friend a little more!

maybe i'm reading into it too much. & given what we know about Wally as a character, it would make sense for Barnaby to be the go-getter Main Guy of the two. but it really seems like its Barnaby & Wally instead of Wally & Barnaby. he's just kinda... there. going along with whatever Barnaby is up to.

but also, on the other side of things - & it's occurring to me as i type this, it's interesting how in a lot of audios, Barnaby seems to seek Wally out. in "Just So", he shows up to fetch Wally. in 4-14, Barnaby interrupts Frank and Wally's gardening session, almost as if he's stopping by to check on his little buddy. in 7-14, Barnaby calls Julie's house (presumably) searching for Wally, or at least checking in once again. something to consider in all of this!

#and if the 14 audios are in the same day along a timeline - which they Are. im trying to puzzle it out rn but anyway - #its interesting how barnaby just kept. checkin. in. #they had three audios where they were already hanging out and then got two (technically three) more where barnaby checked in! #it feels like there's something there... #separation anxiety? a compulsion? love for his buddy? a secret fourth thing? #maybe he could tell something was Off with wally that day... #(which is a topic i will ramble about in a different post) #its a push & pull to be certain.... #but yeah that plus all the evidence of Barnaby kinda being the Lead and wally being brushed off to the side.... #what a complicated fuckin picture it paints!!! dont know what it means yet! #i have another post im working on centering on how the neighbors seem to treat each other - wally & eddie especially #but this post aint about that. itll be related though #homebogging #wh speculation #please let this have made sense! #when i make posts i just kinda throw myself at it bc i have No organizational skills! #my brain is a complete incoherent mess and i am so sorry if this post is messy <3

[the-meme-monarch]

i broke my favorite mug 😔i’m going shave my head again

#first I dropped another cup on it and the handle broke off but I fixed it that shit is Not coming off again thank you jb weld #that was a few days ago and so now just a bit ago I dropped it in the sink trying to wash it out bc the dishwasher didnt do it’s fuckin job #and now there’s a hairline fracture all down the cup itself. i only noticed bc it dripped my coffee on me #so i don’t think there’s any fixing it now #will probably never find an exact replacement bc it was like. a bargain bin ass mug. it was on sale and it was the only one there like that

[vasito-de-leche]

;R1999 FORGET ME NOT - General Headcanons

Compilation of headcanons and analysis on Forget Me Not as a character and other related things.

this post was brought to you by me, procrastinating on the second part of the Cover analysis and those yandere Pavia headcanons, and ALSO because mister lawrence cavendish jr is the second target for my brainrot

warning for suicide and self-harm themes!

On the subject of Forget Me Not's name and past.

It's Lawrence Cavendish Jr. Forget Me Not's real name is confirmed to be just that, as seen in this specific excerpt:

"Cavendish Jr, who was still alive and once sat in front of you [...]" which alludes to the dinner Vertin had at the Walden with Druvis III and Forget Me Not, and "'Forget Me Not', what a hilarious, stupid name". I only included this because I've seen people wonder about it.

What I mean to tackle in this point is the relationship between Forget Me Not, his origins and his current chosen name. Despite his calm and collected appearance, it becomes clear that Forget Me Not is one hair away from becoming entirely deranged, especially when confronted with the possibility of getting revenge. But why is Forget Me Not so focused on revenge specifically?

His backstory is not as openly laid out for us to read, but we can gleam some bits and pieces from all the documents and dialogue he has. To understand Forget Me Not, we also need to look at Druvis III.

All throughout chapter 02, we see parallels and connections being drawn between Forget Me Not and Druvis III - both of them appear to be extremely aloof, cold and collected, only to be revealed to be very emotional deep down, for better and for worse. Druvis III is initially defined by the neutrality and inertia that comes with being stuck in the past, while Forget Me Not is initially defined by the neutrality of the Walden and his ties with Manus Vindictae, an organization that rejects the future.

Druvis III is a disgraced, fallen noble whose life wasn't ruined by the fire that took her family, but the perception the world had of her, an image they forced onto her due to their hatred towards arcanists. And Forget Me Not has a family surname "buried in the dust, shot dead in history". A disgraced, fallen noble implied to have struggled with poverty, battling hunger and suicide countless of times. In the "··· Formula: 1920s" document, we can see a few pieces from various people and their opinions on Forget Me Not from the Big Mouth Bulletin. 3 out of 4 want him dead or think of him as a monster - entirely because of his existence as an arcanist.

The similarities are obvious. Hell, both share the theme of flora and plants, too. There is an even more subtle dynamic here too, alluding to the game's prominent religious imagery - Vertin's suitcase being compared to an ark that will brave the "Storm", the last supper moment, Arcana's offering, the orange, being a replacement for the apple of Eden...

And then, Forget Me Not association with snakes, rumoured to have a body covered in scales, with an arcanum skill that allows people to indulge in alcohol during the Prohibition Era - the snake that tempted Adam and Eve. Druvis III is associated with forests, trees, as well as a link between Vertin (the good guys) and Manus Vindictae (the bad guys) - the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. The two go hand in hand and are linked together.

The big difference between them is that their respective quests to set things "right" are entirely different - their "revenge" is not the same. Druvis III was hellbent on finding out who set the fire that killed her family, not because she wanted them to face the consequences, but because in doing so, people would finally leave her alone and let her mourn. She could finally move on from something that she knew the truth of. Forget Me Not does it to feel satisfied with himself and get back at everyone who ever looked down on him or wronged him. To inflict as much as pain unto others as he had received before. It's a powerplay fantasy in which he finally wins, against all odds.

It's unclear what truly happened to the Cavendish that caused Forget Me Not to end up in such conditions, to the point where he'd go as far as make sure no one can trace him back to his family, to the point where not even the Foundation has a proper report on him.

But there is one line in particular that lives rent free in my head when it comes to the Cavendish and Forget Me Not's potential relationship with them.

This takes place after Druvis III loses her forest, after she loses her eternal branch because of Vertin's intervention during their dinner. They're talking about how to use her forest to build a refugee camp.

There's the possibility that Forget Me Not is simply alluding to that forest - something that used to belong to her is now something that he should have for the sake of Manus Vindictae's goals.

But! Indulge me for a second! There's a noticeable pause, there's a subtle tone to his voice. Reverse 1999's writing might be confusing at times due to the translation, but it's easy to see that it's loaded with metaphors, hidden meanings and so much more, to the point where reading deeply into everything most characters' say is pretty much the norm.

The dialogue that precedes that specific line is Forget Me Not insisting that he can transfer the ownership of the woods over to Druvis III anytime, because she has always been and will always be the only owner, no matter what. He does this to convince her to go through with Manus' plans, that's his main goal, he doesn't care about the woods. But that single line pictured above? It could mean so much more.

Again, the two share many, many similarities. So when Forget Me Not talks about what Druvis III once had - a prestigious family business, a name people can recognize, an assured future - is what he should have, it evokes a sense of entitlement and lingering resentment. Almost as if Forget Me Not's desire to go back to the past doesn't stem from nostalgia like her, but to reclaim something that was denied to him.

Which is incredibly ironic to me because both of them carried their family in their names - Druvis THE THIRD. Lawrence Cavendish JUNIOR. And yet, the one that worked so hard to obscure his origins and changed his family name was him.

Neither of these characters can be recognized nor traced back to their families by appearance alone - people need a name or a really good memory to truly recognize them. The only one with enough courage to continue carrying such burden is Druvis III. Forget Me Not wants something that he willingy lost the right to the moment he allowed Lawrence Cavendish Jr. to die and fade into obscurity.

The name "Forget Me Not" begins to sound more ironic. Like an order, a threat or the promise of his return - his desire for revenge and his hypocrisy become clear once you begin to dissect his character. Like the narrator in the "To Lawrence Cavendish" document says: "He is patiently waiting... to put his meanness, craziness and quivers under the sun". He's waiting to reveal himself.

The "stage" is shown when he makes people explode from inside out, a lot of people who recognized him as Forget Me Not, the mixologist. This is when we finally see his true intentions and the main difference between him and Druvis III, all in their respective reactions to the journalists.

She's terrified, thinking about the day of her family's funeral. On the other hand, he's ordering them to watch and record as he "takes everything he has been deprived of".

This is why the thing that breaks Forget Me Not is hearing that Druvis III does not care about the man who started the fire, that it's not important anymore. He believed them to be on the same page, that she would love to torture the single person responsible for all of her grief. The guy is projecting heavily onto Druvis III.

In the end, I don't know if Forget Me Not resents his father, his family name, if he had some sort of business to inherit and a "future" that was taken from him, or if they actually might've been a happy family.

What I do know is that Forget Me Not's desire for revenge was absolutely amplified and fueled by Manus Vindictae's own agenda. And that's why he works perfectly as both a victim of their MO and a willing member within their ranks.

He clings so hard to the past because there is no future worth fighting for, because everything would be much better if it was rebuilt from scratch with only those that won't oppose him and repeat history. He clings so hard that his new name and identity are, in the end, a plea for the world not to forget who he used to be and, at worst, an order because he sure as hell hasn't forgotten all the things others have done or said Back when Lawrence Cavendish Jr was around. Once his family outlived their usefulness or relevance within society.

TLDR: THIS is the cold-blooded, numb murderer who is actually very sad, empty and broken deep inside that some people wanted Pavia to be. Like, he's even sopping wet and sad and asking Vertin to kill him next time they meet.

Which leads us to my next point!

On the subject of Forget Me Not's self-destructive and suicidal mindset.

We've talked about Forget Me Not's views and relationship with the Cavendish - but what exactly is the end goal? He feels entitled to a better life, one he was supposed to have, and then what?

The "???" narrator mentions a woman who made a promise to Forget Me Not, as well as leaving a "sarcoma" behind which he then adapted and turned into his own. This woman is implied to be Arcana, as we see her talk to Vertin about being able to see the truth, to not be blinded - there's an emphasis in the way she recruits people by opening their eyes to reality. The sarcoma is the city (apparently "Windy City" is used to refer to Chicago, I had to google that but hey, that's pretty neat!). It's the world he lives in and that wants him gone. She focused Forget Me Not's grief towards it because in doing so, it would help Manus Vindictae's ideals of a world exclusively for pureblooded arcanists.

And even so, he remained suicidal. There was at least one more attempt at taking his own life, and that's when he saw "what had been on his mind". Whatever that might've been, no doubt influenced by Arcana and his situation, is what pushed Forget Me Not to "allow himself to revenge, revenge, re-re-re-revenge, and to die".

Ultimately, Forget Me Not's goal is to die at the end of it all - even after he gets his revenge, earns the life he wanted, takes back everything that was meant for him. This is why, after he's fully defeated, his last words to Vertin are to show no mercy next time they meet. To kill him.

This is not only a long and convoluted plan of revenge, it's Forget Me Not willingly marching into his own demise. And just like before, he's not strong enough to pull the trigger himself. Now that he has no solid argument to justify his anger - all because Druvis III has shown him that people can, in fact, move on - his only option is to have someone else end his life. He's shown tired, and the phrase "Don't save it no more" might indicate that even if there was someone who could repeat what Arcana did to him - give him a sense of purpose and a target for his grief - he simply doesn't have the energy for that.

Forget Me Not's self-destructive tendencies can also be seen in other ways. His job at The Walden is to cater to all the people who shunned him - he welcomes everyone and anyone for the sake of creating a network of secrets, he attends fancy parties and events full of those who call him a drug dealer, Satan's spawn and so much more. And he pretends to be someone else entirely while wishing for others to remember him. He willingly surrounds himself with all the things that hurt him.

His arcanum being related to alcohol is rather poetic to me - since Forget Me Not is said to have spiraled into decadence and into this extreme mindset, it makes sense that his main skill is related to being intoxicated and to drown into something that is largely hated but at the same time, desired and coveted. The Prohibition Era does have a very similar mentality to religion, namely western ideologies - you're meant to openly reject and loathe something, but the constant repression causes you to yearn for it instead. And at some point, this repression can become an addiction in itself, leading some to indulge in it. This loops back to Forget Me Not's association with the snake in the Garden of Eden.

It makes sense to me that he indulges in something so painful, while cohercing others into indulging in forbidden alcohol. That he later uses this very same arcane skill to kill all those people who, in his eyes, represent everything he loathes about the current state of the world. It's like a sarcoma that he now leaves behind, that kills from inside out.

And this is the last time I'll bring up Druvis III in a Forget Me Not post, but notice their choice of flower/plant? She has a mistletoe bouquet - a parasitic and toxic plant which represents positive things such as fertility, life and protection in many different cultures. Forget Me Not has black roses, roses being immediately recognized as one of the most beautiful flowers but, in this context, symbolizing things such as death and rebirth, remembrance, mourning. Their duality, contrast and the "two-faced" aspect is prominent there. And not to get very deep about character design, but Druvis III holds the bouquet very carefully and carries it around with her willingly, whereas the black roses that Forget Me Not wears wrap around his neck not unlike a noose.

To really drive home how Forget Me Not sees himself, here's the description they gave him for his boss fight.

They boil down his character perfectly, to all the little traits that make up his whole emotional baggage.

And to also put more emphasis on how Forget Me Not truly doesn't expect to live and "win" at the end of this whole revenge trip, here's his ultimate - "Heavengazing from Hell". He's fully aware that he's going to be destroyed by his own actions and that the only thing left for him will be to look up at heaven from hell. That all the good things will forever be out of his reach.

Now, onto proper headcanon territory, since I'm running out of media to analyze!

On the subject of Forget Me Not's scales.

As established before, Forget Me Not is associated with snakes - one of the segments from the Big Mouth Bulletin comments on this. "[...] he had scales under those long sleeves, one next to another embedded in his flesh."

And this can actually be seen on his in-game sprite! It's very faint, but there's absolutely some sort of texture peeking out from under his collar and sleeves that resemble scales. They can also be seen on the trailer animations. The only time these scales don't appear or peek out from his clothes are in The Walden illustration, with the other members of Manus Vindictae, but that can easily be explained as him covering up properly and the angle he's drawn in.

Originally I thought that they could be burn scars, as it would mean a stronger connection between him and Druvis III. But upon closer inspection, they don't look like burn scars at all.

I like to headcanon that it's a side-effect from his own arcanum, similar to how Rabies is implied to look like a scarecrow because of his involvement treating rabies. Being something "self-inflicted" - in the sense of him having the choice to stop and heal, but refuses to - also lines up with Forget Me Not's suicidal tendencies, the whole sarcoma metaphor and the fact that by carrying on like this, he's doing nothing but destroy himself and add to his suffering.

As for how far the scales have extended, I don't have a set favorite idea! Part of me really would love it if the scales coiled around his body like actual snakes, but also the idea of him having different patches of scales scattered throughout (again, like a sarcoma) and the third secret option of him being MOSTLY covered in them to the point where it becomes grotesque, something that he can't even look at.

They're not just a tattoo or pattern embedded onto his skin either - they're actual scales, cold and rough to the touch. The areas affected by this have grown numb, making it hard for Forget Me Not to feel any warmth or pressure applied onto them. This adds to that otherworldly and sinister vibe he's got going on, even if the lack of proper tactile sense irritates him. It's extremely uncomfortable if they're brushed or rubbed in the wrong direction, however!

Sometimes, Forget Me Not might pick at the scales, as if deciding whether he loves or hates them. In particularly bad days, he picks them out. I like the idea that, once picked, the scales grow faster and stronger, as well as in broader areas, making it a perpetual loop of picking them off from his skin.

Overall, it would be extremely easy to conceal them - he only needs a shirt with a higher collar and gloves or some make-up, but I like to think that Forget Me Not loves the idea of someone catching a glimpse of them, a reminder that he's dangerous and so much more than meets the eye.

As much as he he's been affected by the stigma against arcanists, he now thrives in their hatred for him and his existence - sneaking into places he knows he's not welcome is addictive, especially knowing everyone tolerates him because he's their only access to alcohol. The way everyone will turn around and talk shit about him once they're out of The Walden is fun, because it reinforces his views on why this current era deserves to be rebuilt from the ground up.

Forget Me Not has extremely poor eyesight.

I know the glasses look thin and pretty standard, but I just like to think that Forget Me Not can't see shit without them.

He has this habit of taking them off to "clean" them whenever he's talking with those he loathes - mostly humans - just so he doesn't have to look at them directly. Sometimes, he might just close his eyes and dissociate, pretending to pay attention if the situation calls for it. Yes, he's petty and hateful enough to feel physically sick when talking to people he hates.

If you pay enough attention, it becomes clear that eye contact becomes scarce, as if just looking at them will send him into a fit of rage (but he conceals it extremely well when needed).

Forget Me Not's poor eyesight is not a secret, and he often likes to make patrons nervous by making their drinks without his glasses - of course, he knows his way around drinks and potions, there's no chance of him messing up, he could do this with his eyes closed. But seeing customers squirm is such a delight. Because now, they must choose between making a scene in HIS territory or risk being poisoned with a poorly-made drink.

I like to think that he also just has a very fine ear, since he does play instruments (all of his attacks being related to music and him using a piano as his wand during the boss fight). So really, Forget Me Not couldn't care less about his eyesight.

Forget Me Not enjoys floral arrangement.

This is just based on his association with the actual forget me not flower. I think he enjoys creating bouquets or putting up vases full of flowers around his home, even if all of them may end up creating a very gloomy and decadent atmospere - they're perfect for funerals, and he simply may be preparing for his own.

And he leaves them out on display long after they've wilted. "They're more beautiful this way", he'd say.

It's not rare to find Forget Me Not on rainy afternoons with a pair of scissors on hand, absentmindedly cutting every leaf and petal off from all these roses, as if he had a personal vendetta against their colorful hues. Sometimes, he just twirls the stem around, pressing hard on the thorns to feel anything while he looks out the window. He's so very fucking dramatic and volatile.

Basically, I like to picture Forget Me Not as the type of person who has dedicated so much time into something as empty as revenge, that he absolutely has no idea what to do outside of that.

Everything he does is just a way to pass the time until he can go back to dedicate every waking second of his life into his and Manus Vindictae's plans, every "little pleasure" is just a façade, he doesn't get any real enjoyment from anything. Sometime he worries that revenge won't help him climb out of this apathetic life he's built for himself, but he can't afford to dwell too much on that possibility. Everything that he does is muscle memory, he's forcing himself to try and do it, because otherwise he could simply sit still in an empty room for hours on end, with the lights turned off, waiting and waiting - all alone with his thoughts.

#reverse 1999 #reverse: 1999 #r1999 #r1999 headcanons #reverse 1999 forget me not #forget me not #playable forget me not WHEN bluepoch i NEED him #i like forget me not when hes like. deranged #when hes one hair away from hurting others or hurting himself because hes. in the most horrible mindset ever #like hes just looking for an excuse to blow up or blow up others (hehehehehe....get it....) #like sure hes so cool with the walden and his network of information and secrets #but hes still a cowardly snake who hides and needs to be revealed. bc he cant reveal himself willingly and openly on his own #its the loss of humanity again but whereas pavia rejects it. FMN just lives within it. he just masks SO well #'but you cant simp for any manus vindictae character! theyre explicitly racists!' and re1999 is a game that CHOSE to replace #actual racial issues in history with their magic ppl vs normal ppl plot line with many many parallels to struggles poc like me lived throug #and then chose to be like 'hey theyre actually physically different and its xenophobia on a whole different species hahaaa bye' #so like. fuckin chew on that first before coming for me. if we're already suspending our belief for the sake of playing:dont cherry pick #tackle the WHOLE thing the game chose to portray. not just a single group within the whole game #sorry if that was heated but lmfao i saw ppl already trying to dictate who ppl can and cannot simp for on twitter #as if this wasnt another fictional anime gacha game at the end of the day

[homesickhalfling]

[Source: Just Another Day]

#danny elfman #oingo boingo #just another day #my gifs #what a fuckin freak i love him so much

[radiantmists]

call me an idiot but i do not get what grand purpose the corinthian serves as a nightmare like. what deep fear does he illustrate? does humanity need reminding that hot men may carve out your eyes and eat them?

#dgmr i love him as a character #but i think he's a much better illustration of the fact that sometimes dreams are just fuckin weird #id honestly respect the storytelling more if 'you were my masterpiece' was just because dream thought he was neat #but the whole 'the world doesn't need another corinthian yet' implies that it ever did or would #much better if dream just came to his nightmare beach one day like #what if there was a guy with mouths where he should have eyes. and he ate regular eyes #would that be fucked up or what #and then did it bc he's the nightmare king and he can do what he wants #the sandman #netflix sandman

[juniberserker]

RAAAAAAHHHHHH

I still can't draw but uh yeah this goofy guy from that one era where everyone was angy and the music was good

Here's my friends reaction to it:

#corey taylor #slipknot #number 8 #corey taylor fanart #cmft #iowa slipknot #guh i can't with him #he's just another dumb lil white man I'll lose interest in a couple months #MY FRIENDS MAKING AN EDIT OF HIM AT THE TIME OF POSTING #I'm fuckin losing it it's 6am i have to get up at 7 #I love him sm I'm gonna bite his arm when I meet him one day

[coridallasmultipass]

Dead meme, but historically accurate.

((Dirk is a trans man.))

#i got up at like 5am and made all these goddamn panels #fuckin shitpost i thought of when I saw the OP #like dirk's having a bad day and just... hmm sounds nice and clacky oh wait they make different noises lets roll with it #he spends like hours getting a whole musical cruxite dowel setup going so he can play the whole song #this was supposed to be a quick thing to do in like one night but it seriously took me days ughh #tried to cheap out by reusing the face and just tweaking it to a different expression sorry i didnt do a cooler pose i just wanted to b don #im supposed to be working on another drawing but these things happen sometimes #homestuck #dirk #dirk strider #strider #striders #trans dirk #trans dirk strider #homestuck fan art #fan art #art #digital art #drawing #Create.exe #Cori.exe #Image.exe #ShitPost.exe #shitpost

[lastoneout]

Game Freak in 2023: Yeah we're thinking about slowing down our game production, it's clear this current pace is causing problems.

Game Freak in 2024: lmao jk

#it hasn't even been a full 365 days since they announced they were thinking about slowing down #also like...not to be a buzz kill but I can't even be excited about this bcs they fuckin' dropped PLA #the second they were done with it despite it being the best game they've made in years #this is probably just gonna be more of the same #ESPECIALLY since it hasnt been anywhere NEAR long enough since PLA or ScarVi #for them to make another game that's like actually good #just....yeesh

[randomwriteronline]

thinking about spherus magna so so so much and i NEED to write about the tribes and their bodies and their eating habits

to start off - agori and glatorian are like dogs and wolves: same progenitor, compatible to create hybrids capable of reproduction, different appearances and strengths but similar genetic curriculum.

the seven tribes have specific differences in appearance but most of their anatomy is still the same - humanoid, sharp spaced teeth, vestigial minuscule stubby tail, flat nose, small ears. cross-tribe children weren't very common before the shattering (big ass planet and all) and might become more common as time passes (lots of people died and whatnot), but due to there being no real hierarchy in the gene pool they wont necessarily be perfect hybrids of their parents: more often than not they will resemble only one of them, or showcase smaller traits of the other.

Tapyri (Fire tribe) - oval pupils stretched horizontally, tough skin that secretes a layer of protective mucus good for hot dry climates. different skin pigmentation in the form of spotted patterns, mostly on the back, is surprisingly common.

Gaquri (Water tribe) - crescent pupils stretched horizontally, drop-shaped sturdy scales that slightly overlap. hands and feet are lightly webbed between their fingers, while the eyes have a protective lid for underwater diving.

Lebori (Jungle tribe) - beaded pupils stretched vertically, short thin feathers, mostly greenish, which generally have little use. fingertips, palms and soles have small hooked cells to better their grip when climbing trees and rocks.

Koniri (Ice tribe) - rhomboidal pupils stretched vertically, thick fur that sheds and changes color depending on the seasons. powerful nails and bite, build up fat much easier than other tribes and are incredible sprinters on short distances.

Banuri (Sand tribe) - slit pupils stretched vertically, very small polygonal scales tightly placed together. small sharp horn-like protrusions all over the body, mostly the head, and remarkable adaptability to varying temperatures.

Potori (Rock tribe) - rectangular pupils stretched horizontally, wooly fur that varies in thickness depending on place of origin*. duller teeth, immune to most poisons, have heightened endurance in harsh climates and tougher bones.

Fezeri (Iron tribe) - round pupils similar to a photocamera's aperture, sectioned carapace not unlike that of an insect over skin. have a tendency to develop reddish crusts with age which need to be removed through cyclical moltings.

when it comes to food. oh baby.

ANY CREATURE in the desert is fair game. theyre most of the meat available and by god these people will Fucking Get It or die trying. blood is both cooked and drunk (usually on special occasions) and is often given to sickly, pregnant or young individuals; bones are generally split open for marrow, but while smaller ones can be grated or used to make stock broth, the bigger ones are kept to make weapons or tools - the only ones that eat them are the Bone Hunters, which is why they're called that in the first place, and the Zesk and Vorox, who have built in weapons.

Tapyri have very fertile soil but horrendously high temperatures, so they can grow only a select few plants, mostly cereals. common foods are iron snails and a type of edible lava residue, but a real delicacy is the elusive heat-resistant mole, which is incredibly fat and tender but also fucking FAST. they cook mostly on slabs of rock heated over lava, or on roasts

Gaquri eat anything that enjoys humidity - slugs, leeches**, tadpoles, frogs, other small amphibians, fish and crustaceans if they had any. their vegetables are cave mosses and freshwater algae or kelps - a specific type produces "kelp jades", round fruits that are sticky as hell. they tend to eat things raw, but can also afford to steam or boil their stuff

Lebori have the vastest array of fruits and greens available thanks to living in the green lung of a fucking desert and everybody imports that good stuff from them. their local protein source is comprised mostly insects***, worms and other invertebrates, which they employ in various methods. since they have access to oil, they often default to frying food

Koniri have access to small game and a discrete amount of forests in which they've learned to recognize edible berries, leaves and especially branches. a typical dish for them is a bundle of sticks wrapped in very far strips of meat. in some lakes they also harvest a strange type of anemone. when they don't freeze-dry their food, they tend to either boil or roast it

Banuri relied evenly on hunting, gathering, and husbandry. Zesk and Vorox have adapted thoroughly to the desert ecosystem, and while the first still gather lichens, the latter most hunt in packs

Bone Hunters, being scavengers, eat anything and everything; the Skrall had a more plant-based diet, but in Bara Magna added salt-dried meat; other Potori prefer vegetables like briars and thistles

Fezeri lived in fairly comfortable climates and could afford a pretty varied and balanced diet. Telluris allegedly eats, but nobody can confirm. Sahmad is trying to fuckin survive. give him a break

*Bone Hunters, native to the Bara Magna area, resemble goats; the Skrall, native to a snowy mountain area, resemble sheep. similar cases are found in all tribes across Spherus Magna (ex. BaMa lebori are more akin to geckos, BoMa lebori to lemurs)

**Gaquri would, as such, be the first to try and eat a kraata or krana without even thinking about it. the consistency would not bother them, but they would be mostly perplexed to discover there's food that tastes, respectively, "dark" and "bright"

***scarabax beetles not included, because they taste horribly and are not worth the effort of catching to feed off of them for anybody. Click will live forever

#bionicle #spherus magna #bara magna #agori #glatorian #skrall #bone hunters #zesk #vorox #random talks #hi. it is currently (looks at clock) Fuckin Late. and i just discovered that the prefix for gravity is ba- and for magnetism is fa- #i think i got most of my thoughts out of myself #apart from various physical reactions for the tribes BUT. i am. tired. #i also have Thoughts on food in the matoran universe and stuff but thats for!!!! another day #in the meantime. have this. if you would

[queercodedvillains]

Wake up babes, new chapter of mallrats just dropped <3

Mallrats (23114 words) by QueerCodedVillains Chapters: 3/9 Fandom: Naruto, Naruto (Anime & Manga) Rating: Explicit Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Deidara/Sasori (Naruto), background kakuzu/hidan Characters: Sasori (Naruto), Deidara (Naruto), Hidan (Naruto), Kakuzu (Naruto) Additional Tags: SasoDei Week 2023 (Naruto), 90'S, Akatsuki - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Claire's AU, Mafia AU, If You Squint - Freeform, we are taking liberties translating the akatsuki into a modern setting here, Drug Use, Drug Dealing, Blood and Violence, POV Alternating, Bottom Deidara (Naruto), Top Sasori, BDSM, Impact Play, Praise Kink, Edging, Orgasm Control, Overstimulation, Sasori is still a puppet master but only in the loosest terms, if you catch my drift, Shibari, Suspension, Fucking Machines, Porn With Plot, Hurt/Comfort, Bratting, brat taming, Dom/sub Series: Part 1 of Mallrats Cinematic Universe Summary: In which the Akatsuki are 90's mallrats by day, crime syndicate by night. All the best criminals have a day job to launder their rent money, but the real fun only starts once they're off the clock.

#deidara #sasori #sasodei #claires au #mallrats #i dont wanna give any spoilers but #if you didnt know the difference between power dynamics vs positions #aka dom/sub vs top/bottom #hopefully you will now uwu #smut now plot later #head empty just these guys going at it like fucking rabbits 24/7 #we'll get to the plot when i say so until then we're all just gonna be happy the muse caught me on a day off #okay? okay <3 #my writing #mallrats!akatsuki #its my au i get to pick the tags #yes i am still working on my sasodei2023 fic after already posting another sasodei2024 fic #ariana grande and what about it dot gif #sighs deeply #when will i be free #when will i be cured of the brain rot #i really gotta carve it out with my own two hands and post it on the internet #its just me and a few dozen fellow inmates of the sasodei unit of the psychward #we are in this together lads #smh i gotta do everything around here if i wanna read it i gotta fuckin write it. and i WILL. its rotten work but christ alive ill do it

[soldier-poet-king]

Oh man I looked at the notes on that evolution & Christianity poll (a mistake, clearly), like, how can so many people be so fkin stupid. Yes thats mean of me to say but. Y'all are really out here being strict biblical literalists?? Not even most of the early christian theologians & church fathers were strict biblical literalists?? There is no historical basis to being an extreme literalist abt the bible?? Presumably you received SOME sort of education and can read and think critically?? You can't ALL have been raised in an information restrictive cult??

99% of the time im ready to throw hands with Catholicism because oh boy we have beef and I hate it here, but at least we're not Like That TM.

Oh Fr Georges Lemaître, father of the Big Bang Theory, we're really in it now.

#not to dunk on my Protestant friends ily #but like. protestantism is one hell of a drug. holy shit #like do i think ultimately what you believe about the evolution is the end of the world. no #BUT it indicates underlying literalist thinking which leads to problems that ACTUALLY affevt everyday life #and also just. deliberate ignorance. conspiracy theory thinking #not to b like. one thing leads to another. but these r definitely related patterns of thinking #and as much as im like. I fuckin hate catholics #its current western catholics that i rlly hate #theres at least a long history of intellectual freedom and science #yes at times obvs limited and repressed. but at least its not yknow. literalism. i would fuckin die #are yall really out here thinking abt literal adam and eve and creation in 7 days. really. REALLY? #altho. i went to hs with a young earth creationist who thot dinos and humans existed at the same time #so why. am i not surprised anymore #anyway yeah individual catholics are largely insane and i will fistfight trads #but at least like. INSTITUTIONALLY. we're allowed space to think and question #doctrinally thats allowed. even if trads refuse it in practice #ho ho holy shit yall #deadass did not think there was a significant amount of biblical literalists and creationists on TUMBLR of all places #both atheists and trads who think religion and science are fundamentally opposed. #think again. u r all. dummies. i am too tired to be polite abt it #im tired of ppl with no thinking skills <-its elections here today im extra full of rage #mrk saunders can catch my hands ALSO #i saw someone say that theres no basis to interpret the bible as allegorical #as if everytime Jesus said a parable ans the apostles took it literally #he had to sit them down and be like #boys. i love u. stop being stupid. its an allegory for the people. #WHAT THE FUCK IS A PARABLE IF NOT AN ALLEGORICAL INSTRUCTIVE STORY #genuinely. maybe i am naive. but deadass thot the adam and steve crowd thing was a joke. not a genuine argument against the gays #or at the very least a rare opinion blown out of proportion #ARE YALL OK IN PROTESTANT MAJORITY AREAS???????

[good-beanswrites]

Hello! I really really really love your writting, I just got into Milgram and yours is my favourite in the fandom!! I love how much depth and nuance you manage to fit into short stories and your characterization is on point! (Specially for Kazui, but I might be biased since I love him so much)

I'm not sure if you're still taking requests (if you're not, feel free to ignore!), but if you are I wanted to request Tears + Kazui

(I thought about maybe the old man finally having a moment where the mask falls? When keeping up the image he's built gets tiring, how does he deal with it, and is he by himself or is there someone nearby? Then again, just an ideia, have fun and take your time!!!)

Woo welcome to the fandom! And thank you so much omg, that's so kind!! ;--; I really like that concept -- I definitely think he'd only allow himself a break from the masks when he's completely alone, and even then it'd be hard to draw out of him, so I went for an unexpected release and even more unexpected company... (Haruka :3)

Kazui woke from a dream, immediately unable to stop his eyes from brimming with tears. It hadn’t been a nightmare. It hadn’t shown him broken glass, or blood, or screaming. He hadn’t faced another night staring into Hinako’s twisted expression. No, the dream was wonderful. He was happy. He was in love. He was just… himself. As he rolled over in his sheets, he couldn’t tell if it was the longing that made him cry, or the guilt of longing so deeply for something like that.

It was easier, there in the dark. He didn’t have to keep his cheeks raised in a pleasant look. He didn’t have to hold his chin high. He could hug his arms around himself, not worry about all those eyes on him, and cry for the life he would never have.

He’d kept the thoughts at bay for so long, there was something equally painful and relieving about facing them head-on. The more his body shook with sobs, the better he felt about the weight he’d been carrying on his shoulders. The more he thought about who he was, the worse he felt about being doomed in this life. As always, he was split in two.

“K-Kazui?” 

His stomach clenched in both shock and shame. He kept his face away from the cell bars. He coughed, though it did little to hide the thickness in his voice when he spoke. “Haruka? What are you doing out there?”

“Ah, um! I’m sorry! I was just getting s-some water.”

Kazui desperately scrambled for any kind of excuse to explain the sorry state he was in. Haruka continued, though. 

���It’s- it’s okay if you’re crying.”

His throat squeezed. How pathetic he must be, for a kid like Haruka to try and comfort him.

“No, no. I’m alright.”

“I cry in my cell all the time. And Muu comes in so we can talk. I feel m-much better after that.” His feet shuffled outside. “Do you… uh… do you want to talk? I’m not as smart as Muu, b-but it might help.”

Kazui kept his pained smile hidden. It was an incredibly kind gesture, to be sure, but the boy would never understand. He could open up about everything that had happened in the past forty years, and there was no way Haruka would understand a bit of it.

It was easy to dodge the question. When under the spotlight, he’d found it was helpful to place the attention on someone else. “What do you talk to Muu about?”

“Uh! Well.” There was more shuffling, and Kazui realized he was coming to sit right next to the cell. He hadn’t meant it as an invitation to stay... 

He rolled onto his back, hoping his face was still obscured in the shadows of the panopticon.

“I usually cry because… I’m not like everyone else.” Haruka said. “I don’t-don’t know why. I don’t know why everyone else can be normal and I j-just can’t. I try so hard. I try so hard. If I could be like them, m-maybe my mom would’ve loved me. M-maybe she wouldn’t think I was broken all the time. M-maybe,” he got quiet, “no one would have died.”

Kazui stared up at the ceiling. A few more tears slipped down his face. It looked like an old man like him could still be wrong, now and then. “And… what does Muu tell you, to comfort you?”

“Oh, she tells me lots of nice things. Mostly that she loves me very much.” Kazui could hear the smile in his voice. “And she also says that… that it wasn’t my fault. That there’s nothing wrong with being me. That we can’t be anyone d-different, even if we want to more than anything in the whole wide world. She says, she says people were mean to her too, just because of who she was.”

“Yeah?” The younger prisoners had avoided someone as intimidating as him, so he never heard much about Muu’s reason for being here. 

“Mhm. She said they would say all these awful things, b-because there was this one girl in her class, and… and, well… things were…” Haruka stopped. “Ah! I didn’t mean to make you cry again! I’m s-so sorry…”

Kazui sucked in a shaking breath. “No, I’m sorry you have to hear all this from me. It’s good, though. It’s really good.” 

“O-oh…?”

“I just realized, I’m a lot like that too.” 

Kazui didn’t know what possessed him to continue. He’d been hiding things for so long, he thought he’d be better at keeping it in. It must have been something about the darkness of the hour, and Haruka’s complete innocence, and the dream that still lingered around heart. 

“When I was her age, there was someone in my class like that. He was… well, I’m sure you know. My parents also said I was in need of fixing. I’m sorry you had to go through that too.”

Haruka let out a small sound of acknowledgement.

“You should head to bed, now. It’s late.”

“R-right. Sorry, again!”

“Don’t be. I think I needed this.”

Once Haruka’s footsteps had rounded the panopticon, Kazui brought his arm up to cover his eyes. He knew he had plenty of blood on his hands for what he’d done. This was his fault. But regarding who he was…

A sound rocked through his chest, something between a sob and a laugh. It was nice to think there was nothing wrong with that, after all.

#milgram #kazui mukuhara #haruka sakurai #wahh thank you so much :D that made my day to hear!! and this request was so cool to think about #(i read the translation day one but) this motivated me to actually listen to his new vd because i we finally hear some emotion from him ;-; #it made me just as sad as i was expecting adfsdf ;---; #i kept trying to write him opening up to someone willingly but it just wouldnt work #(i mean he IS on trial for murder and begging for es to reveal the truth but he still cant say it himself) #so i think itd take someone else opening up first -- once he sees theyre genuinely putting themselves out there for him #hed be able to reciprocate and talk/show his emotions #i know muu/rei isnt canon but even a misunderstanding about it would be important to him #<- made herself sad realizing so much of the cast has been treated as broken or like their true selves werent good enough #but yeah it was really interesting seeing how much overlap kazui and haruka had! #ive got another kazui thing coming today/tomorrow -- now go vote this sad wet cat innocent he fuckin needs it👏 #drabbles