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eclipse-rain · 1 year

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Fwel Tsaheylu (Broken Bond) Part 4

☆☆☆

Part 1 •Part 2 •Part 3

Masterlist~

Once when i was younger i had an accident.

I did something wrong.

What it was is hardly relevent now, insignificant as it was, but at the time it felt as if my small world was collapsing.

My eldest brother, the one i was the weakest to, ended up fixing the situation and my parents never found out it had ever taken place. But to this day my heart still races whenever someone questions how i got the faint scar on the palm of my hand.

As a child who accidentally cut my hand with a blade my first instinct should have been to cry, to ask for help, to tell my mom or dad.

My first instinct instead, was to hide.

To hide my problem. To hide my mistake, my imperfection.

We hide when we dont feel safe. When being seen was unsafe.

As a young uneducated child I somehow felt that sharing my authentic emotion was not going to be safe.

Authenticity and attachment are two equally important needs for a child but if they had to pick one or the other a child would most likely sacrifice authenticity to keep attachment.

This is because we need attachment from our caregivers as children for survival.

This is shown even in animals. Show any kind of weakness and you could be abandoned by your flock. Or in my case, my family and or clan, my safety net.

Mabey this is the cause for the way i distenced myself from anything my young self deemed wrong, unworthy.

My cause for distencing myself from anything human.

If i look back on my younger self now i would not be able to find compassion for the person i was or the situation i endured.

However, if i pictured my siblings being in any of the same circumstances that would be a diffrent story.

You could wonder what happened to a child to make them feel so unsafe to show their own emotions and yet the answer wouldnt be a simple one. Neither would the healing process.

I dont know why or what any of this means, ive never been good at or able to read my own emotions properly.

But i had always been told in my clan that i had a certain air about me.

At first i thought this was because the other na'vi people in the clan thought i was more human like than na'vi, like how they thought of my twin brother. This thought was soon pushed away however because of how i would hear my grandmother often say the same thing about me to my mother and father.

I knew it ment something diffrent then because my grandmother would never say anything harmful about me, much less to my father who was once human before becoming one of the people and Toruk Macto.

Than again, this realization didnt help in figuring out what they had ment otherwise at all. I could only guess, only assume, but never confirm and i would not be one to ask.

I would not be a bother, i would not be a burden, i would not be unworthy of my parents love.

However when i landed on that warm silky sand. The sand of the metkayina clans bay where they dwelled i finally figured out what my previous clan members and grandmother had ment.

~~~

My family had gone ahead of me to the place the metkayina clan dwelled.

We had been forced to fly in last nights storm as we were only a little ways off from where the metkayina clan stayed and father wanted us to power through one last time. During this one of Tuks posessions had been blown away and in my haste i had promised her i would look for it after the storm had passed in an attempt to calm down the destraught child.

I was now flying solo on the calm warm wind currents beyond the reef trying to find the thing that i knew i had no chance of actually finding.

My father had reassured me before hand that we would find safety and a place to rest with the Metkayina people so that i would not need to fear being separated from them even if we did not arrive together.

I had the coordinates, the directions, the knowledge and the talent to handle myself. My mother had been worried and tried to do it herself or have Neteyam go instead but even she knew that at this stage everyone was exhausted from the extensive journey.

One we had never done before and hoped would never have to again. This was something my father was trying to reassure us of by finding a place within the Metkayina clan.

My father knew i would be fine, he knew i was capable of handling myself. I just hoped i believed in myself as much as he did about this.

When you grow up the way i did, in the forest, constantly surrouded by danger, constantly needing to be alert, you develope certain instincts. Gut feelings and sharper sences. I could pride myself on these instincts, the ones i had, they kept me safe and out of danger.

It was something that was built into my body through time, through trial and error. Watching and learning, learning from my mistakes and bettering myself. I may not be as connected with the forest as Kiri but i sure as hell made it so i would know what was going on around me when i was in it. To not only further improve myself to gain my parents aproval and recognition but also to protect myself and my siblings.

This was one of the main reasons my father was so addament to send me. Also because of the whole insident that made us all have to flee our home in the first place. The incident where my siblings were captured by humans in avatar bodies, putting knives to their throats and even going so far as to kidnap Spider who was also human.

If i had been with them at that time i would have, for one, been in my right mind as to not do something stupid like that, which might be the reason they didnt have me come along with them. And i also would have known especially to not bring Tuk along while doing it. But also i would have been able to sence something was wrong, that someone was coming. Hear twigs snapping in an unnatural way, the sound of footsteps indicating how many people were headed our way.

How heavy they were, how tall they were, if they were trying to sneak up on us all or not and which direcrion they were coming from. I would be able to sence all these things. I had taught myself to, spending countless hours alone in the forest training myself while also practicing everything my mother had taught me and everything i had witnessed while observing others, which i had absorbed like a sponge.

My father might have been giving me a chance to prove myself to my mother like how my brothers yearned to prove themselves to him. Rather, to me, i didnt think it would do much but tire me out even more than i already was. And if i was unlucky enough i could even get stranded if my bond with my ikran started acting up again.

Having said that, we were only a little ways off from our destination so this had put my mind at ease about doing it. It seemed to calm my mothers mind as well, who seemed the least willing to let me part with them. It was also reassuring to her and, although i wouldnt admit it, to myself as well, that father had told me to catch up to them after a day and no later even if i had not found what i was sent looking for.

"Wow great idea, make a promise to your little sister to do something dumb when you both know you never break a promise" i said to myself out loud as there was now no one around to hear me.

Technically i never said i would find the thing, only look for it, but now i felt the need to find it before returning or it would nag at my conscience everytime i looked at tuks pouting face. As i knew she would be sulking about it for the next week at least and that wouldnt do after she was already sad enough having to leave her home.

The leather seat of my ikrans saddle burned into the sides of my legs from the extensive riding. I was sure that if i hadnt been wearing my riding pants that i would have had cuts lining my thighs from all the sharp turns i had to make in and around rock formations i had seen too late.

I definitely had burns from the leather because of all the jerking left and right of my ikran i had to do. I had been anxious the whole time we were riding, just waiting for my bond with my ikran to give out and for us both to go tumbling out of the sky together. My family would find out and- oh i couldnt even think about it any further.

But thankfully my ikran had held up and i got comfortable enough to have Tuk sit with me, to take her off my mothers hands, when i felt less anxious that we could possibly fall.

After a while of searching for Tuks posession i was lucky that i had found it and even more so that nothing bad had happened with my ikran or bond while i had been alone and separated from my family.

I had memorised the directions my father had explained and even written down for me and followed them to a tee. I soared over head flying lower to the sea than usual, trying not to give off a threatening posture as i arrived upon my destination.

I arrived in the early morning a day later than the rest of my family to the residence of the Metkayina clan. I saw many of the clans members working and doing chores around as i flew high above them.

They called out to me and i responded in as much of a friendly and non-threatening manner as i could in turn.

Even though my father had reassured me that the Metkayina clan would take them in the day before, i could not help but worry that they might have been turned away and i would have to go in search of them.

Although going in search of my family didnt seem very likely since i knew that even if they were turned away my father would have at least barginned with the Metkayina clans leaders for them to stay at least until i returned.

And when i did return if they could be so kind as to show hospitality until we were rested enough to continue our journey and move on to possibly the next nearest clan or whatever else father and mother had in mind.

When i finally landed on the bay of where the Metkayina clan dwelled i hopped off the back of my ikran onto the warm sand down below. It was an odd and new feeling but not one that was uplesant. What was really unpleasant was the way the people of the clan gathered around me immediately like a hawk to prey, looking at me like i was a meal.

We had learned all about the leaders of the Metkayina clan and how fierce they were before we departed, their Olo'eyktan Tonowari and especially their Tsahik Ronal. We had also learned about their children, the youngest Tsireya and the eldest and heir Ao'noung. This knowledge was deemed necessary for us to have by father if we were to ever make a good first impression or find our place in a diffrent clan.

When i felt their eyes roaming my body as if to look for any weakness they could find and exploit i did as i always would in these situations. I had observed many a time how my mother and father dealt with affairs and how they and other senior members of the clan showed their authority. But since i was suposed to keep a friendly attitude as my father had said i toned it down a bit, simply blocking out any and all ways i could appear weak to my new clan.

Shoulders down and back. Chin up. Hold your head high. Keeping your tail and ears stiff, dont let them twitch, dont move them. Dont fiddle or figet with your hands or anything else. Dont let the gleam in your eyes waver as they stare you down, soaking in every aspect of your being, even if you feel as if your awaiting death row.

And that was it. They backed off. The hungry gleam in their eyes faded out. Usually they relaxed back into themselves and carried on with what they were doing, mostly just ignoring me afterwards. Thats what the people in my clan did when i put up this version of my shield as they had grown used to the flame i had, the fire my heart contained. But the people here were not used to me, they seemed even slightly tense after the gleam had left their eyes, their confidence with it.

'Maybe this is what Grandmother had ment' i thought to myself as i witnessed the situation that played out before my eyes.

Instead of dropping and relaxing their shoulders completly they looked almost scruched up slightly as if I were the one who made them recline into themselves instead of the other way around like they thought it would be.

Yes. I was sure of it now. This is what my Grandmother had ment.

The spark im my heart. The one that i kept under wraps, contained, but that yearned to be set free, that yearned to rage a blazing fire. It peaked its head out at moments, moments like these and when it did it demanded respect. It could enrapture peoples attention and in turn their own hearts.

If only i could use it to its fullest, my fullest potential. But alas, i had to be careful. Be careful so as not to lose control of that spark, of that fire and burn away what i yearned to keep close. What was most precious even over my own heart, my soul, my own true self.

Soon enough a boy who looked around about my age passed through the crowd as they made a clear path for him to walk through. I assumed him to be the first born and heir of the clan, like my eldest brother had been of our former clan.

I had seen him arrive a little earlier then wence he approched me but he seemed to be looking on from afar and observing the situation, possibly seeing how i would react and if i would recline into myself or step up to the challenge. Thats what his eyes were telling me, they were hungry like the others had been and they still were after seeing my 'little performance'.

As he approched i put my hand to my head and brought it downwards lightly as a sign of respect. I had expected him to make some sly remark, even though i had always been told to 'never judge a book by its cover' by my father, but to my surprise, although i didnt show it, he returned my gesture in full.

His eyes still told an entirely diffrent story and i was far too used to that look to fall for it at this age. Yes, I'd play along. We could be civilised to each other as of right now, but in that moment i could tell with every ounce of my being that we both had the same thought.

'If you so much as step one foot out of line you'll answer to me'

Preditor had met preditor head on and prey hid for their lives. Of course this was all coated underneath a layer of politeness for the sake of peace and friendship. For the chance that would be given to the other until it was knowingly going to be broken one way or the other.

But he didn't know me. He didnt know what game he was playing, what game he was getting himself into. He had no idea what kind of self control i had. And if you havent already gathered from what you've read so far, I'll tell you, its a whole fuxking lot.

I could play the long game, the fun part was just watching how long he could keep up.

My attention was captured as my youngest sister ran up to me eagerly followed by my parents one after the other. They had heard word of my arrival after having kept look out for me for all of the time i was gone. Tuk started to search my body for her possession before she started jumping around when i returned it to her. Quickly there after, she hugged the lower half of my body as if she was latching onto me for dear life. I was embraced multiple times by my parents as well before i was hauled off to help my three other siblings who were setting up our new sleeping area.

As i went to see my new living quarters for the first time, with a new outlook on the situation i was thrust into with the rest of my family, i had a final thought.

'Maybe my new home wont be so bad after all'

~~~

Oh boy was i wrong. So very wrong.

I was standing waste deep in the water off the bay where the Metkayina clan resided. The first day of arrival had been given to my family for rest but i didnt get to indulge in that pleasure as we were quickly thrust into learning the ways of the Metkayina people. Today my siblings and i would be learning how to ride an ilu guided by Tsereya, Ao'nung and their friend Rotxo's instruction.

Apart from the semi-welcome, semi-unwelcome welcoming my family had recieved upon arrival they had not been hesitant to tech us all their ways and i was now starting to find my way here. Tuk had picked it up fast with Tsereya as her mentor and Kiri was a natural as usual without any instriction nessecary. My elder brothers Neteyam and Lo'ak had been taken to another area away from the rest of us to learn from Ao'nung and Rotxo. I wondered how they were doing and if it was going as well as how my sisters and i were doing.

Us three got lucky. Tsireya was a gentle soul. She was very kind and made sure to look after Tuk as the youngest. I cringed when i thought back to how my younger sister Kiri had informed me after my arrival, while snickering, that our older brother Lo'ak had eyes on her from the moment they had landed. She seemed to like him too, much to his delight. I would be happy to have her as my sister if it turned out that way but felt sorry if she was going to get stuck with my troublesome twin in the process.

With Tsireyas guidance i had picked up how to ride an ilu fairly quickly. It wasnt as hard as i thought it was going to be. I was nervous that i wouldnt get it right at the start, especially since about every joint in my body still ached from my extra long flight, but Tsireya made it feel more fun than like a chore.

As i first sat myself down onto the saddle of the ilu i stroked his head and leaned down to whisper to him a silent prayer. Wheather it was to the ilu, myself, Eywa or all three i wasn't completely sure.

'Please, please work. Keep on being normal like you have done so for the past few days.'

The ilu chittered in response, most likely not understanding me at all but it felt somehow reassuring even so.

Nothing had gone wrong over the past few days and i was starting to actually grow uneasy instead of being happy about it. It was almost like the calm before the storm and everyone knows how that scenario ends.

After Tsireya helped Kiri onto her ilu she had gone off on her own without a hitch, Tsireya then went to help and guide Tuk after making sure i could handle myself as the eldest there.

"I will stick beside Tuk the whole time, as she is a child. Please feel free to go off on your own and dont be burdened" she had said

"Yes, thank you" i replied after hoisting myself up onto the ilu i was given

It was definitely a new feeling, like the sand had been. Although it was not unpleasant, it did give me a certain anxiety. It was a joint mix of wheather or not my bond would work, if i could hold my breath long enough and if i could steer it properly because it was not my ikran.

But i was also partly excited. Excited to see the world below, like i knew Kiri was. She only had one thing on her mind ever since father had told us where we were heading for our destination.

Deciding to follow her i had my ilu go forward just like Tsireya had taught us to do. I wanted to see the look on my younger sisters face as she witnessed all her dreams about this place become real. And what a sight to behold it was. The way the water wrapped around me so tightly as i made my decent down into the depths below made me feel safer than i ever did in the forest.

It felt like being swaddled in a big blanket and as if none of my worries could reach all the way down here, just like how it felt when i would fly for hours on end up in the sky on my ikran. I saw Kiri off on her own not too far away, admiring the scenery and playing with little fish and other underwater animals i hadn't seen before that passed us by.

Down here the water was crystal clear and the sun danced off of every surface it touched making a kaleidoscope of patterns along them. I watched kiri as she let her body sway with the flow of the water as she rode her ilu, i copied her mannerisms and found how much easier it made riding my ilu properly already.

I let the water guide me as i passed under her, scanning the ocean floor and tracing my long slender fingers across any shells i saw in passing. I looked back and noticed kiri following me doing much the same thing. She noticed me and we both shared a smile as i could tell in that moment that we also shared the same feeling in or hearts.

Until mine was spiked by anxiety.

I couldn't breath. I had been intending to go up for air soon but now i couldn't breath for another reason. The calm before the storm. I knew it would never last, i was now in that storm. I could feel myself losing control once again and i almost screamed at myself in rage, losing any breath i still had.

With what control i had left over my tsaheylu with my ilu i rushed towards the surface as fast as i could, leaving Kiri behind. I felt my ilu thrashing around as it was loosing my guidance and instruction but we eventually broke the suface of the water. I felt the buring in my lungs cease as i gasped in the air i was presented with.

I quickly detached my que from my ilu and broke the bond. My ilu gradually calmed down with just a few pats and strokes from myself and began chittering away to itself once again in no time.

Kiri broke through the water not even a minute later. After following me to the surface she had an odd look on her face.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah i just needed a breather, you know?" I replied to her questioning, noticeably out of breath as my heart raced a million miles a minute.

"Me too. It's hard to hold your breath for that long. We still need to get used to some things here."

"Yeah..." i was glad i didnt have to be the one to explain myelf, she seemed to have covered all the excuses i had whipped up in the minute i had to think about what i might say. It wasn't exactly like i was lying though, i really was planning on going up to gather my breath anyway.

I was just witholding a small piece of information that wasnt necessary to give her at all. It would only stress her out.

Tsireya and Tuk had joined us not long later to catch their breath as well and with that we all joined back up with the boys for a joint lesson on breathing.

The sun was setting behind us as exlipse was drawing nearer and we all sat in a circle to focus on the techniques shown to us by the kids of the Metkayina clan. By now with todays techings we had all picked up the basic nessecities of the skills we needed to not be a nuisance to the Metkayina clan while staying with them from here on out.

Thanks to these techings i learned how to hold my breath for longer which was a good experience except for the fact that i had to sit next to Lo'ak and witness as he spluttered nervously like a love struck fool when Tsireya so much as touched him.

I looked over at Kiri and made a face before we both erupted in fits of giggles, working hard to stifle our laughter so as not to embarrass our brother any more than he was doing so on his own. The day faded away into eclipse with laughter and hearts that were full.

I know i said i was wrong about thinking staying here wouldn't be so bad after all but...

Thats not the bad part.

In fact everything started off relatively normal. Everyone was kind and happy but i wonder if that really all was just a facade. Just a layer of politeness over everyones real feelings for the sake of diplomacy. I couldn't tell what the future held then, but even if i tried i sure as hell wouldn't have guessed in a million years.

Though it did start going downhill the way i always knew it would. Because there would always be people who saw us, my family, my siblings and even i as less then na'vi, as human, as alien.

My brother, my twin, being treated as live fish bait and what was i doing? Absolutely nothing. I should have been there for him, i shouldnt have let that happen and even worse he took the blame for all of it. For that a$$hole Ao'noung who started this whole mess and i bet didnt even thank my brother in return for covering for him.

Our parents might not have been able to tell Lo'ak was covering for Ao'noung or maybe they did but they didnt see what had happened themselves so they just had to take the word of the one owing up to it. Either way i knew my brother and even if i had not seen what had happened between the two of them or outside the reef where he was attacked i wouldnt believe his pretty lies.

He was not the type to own up, as much as it pains me to say, our older brother was always the one to stick up for him. And even when he did Lo'ak would never retaliate and say it was his fault and not our elder brothers, letting him take the blame as he pleased. I knew my twin did not do this because it came from a bad place, because he had a bad heart, but because he was scared.

I knew that much, we were twins after all, like i said before, it would be wierd if we didnt have at least a couple things in common. But i suppose i wouldnt know as much as i used to about him now, we had grown more separated than we used to be. I take the responsibility for that due to my own fear. We both feared the unknown, he feared failure and letting people down and so did i.

Mabey we were, are, more alike than i had previously thought. As we grew further apart i started to think that we never really had anything in common but how would i really know since we never talked deeply about anything. We didnt confide in each other, we didnt know what the other was thinking and somethimes i wondered or even hoped that he might feel the same as me.

Only this time in a diffrent way. I thought it might be the case when we all saw him return safely, he owned up and my father said the harshest words he could have to him.

"You dishoner this family"

I could only imagine how my brother was feeling but as for me i felt them in my soul. We are twins so i could assume Lo'ak felt the same, only much worse since he was the one those words were directed at.

But they made me feel sick to my stomach, when i heard those words it dropped straight down and then lurched upwards like i was being spun around and around. This was because we are twins, he is one half of me, the other half of me. I felt those words to my core and they whispered that i was next.

Sometimes i think theres something wrong with me.

I have both my parents and my siblings. Theyre all nice people and none of them have died. I have a nice home, a nice clan and a nice grandmother. I have people who will support me through anything. So when i see them in front of me i know i should feel something...but i dont.

These are the people who raised me, who are my parents, who love me. They gave me a home and shelter, they fed me and protect me. They are the people i call to when i have a problem that i cant fix on my own or when im sick because i need thay sense of familiarity. Because they are my safety net. The only safety i know, they always have been.

So i know i should love them, i should reciprocate these feelings...but i dont. I look at them and i feel nothing. I think ive been tricking myself into thinking that i really do feel something, that i really love them and that i dont feel like its just because they were the only ones who protected me as i grew up. Because i had no choice in the matter and no one else to give me that sense of familiarity and safety.

And when i came to realise this, that i had been tricking myself, living in my own ignorance and delision, i started to act...started to lie. I thought 'well if i can trick myself what would be so hard about showing that emotion outwards and making life better for everyone else with a little white lie'.

'Lying is a form of love'.

With this white lie people would then begin to say 'you look happier as of late', 'you smile more now', 'you've changed', 'im glad your finally opening up to us'...

No. Its a lie. Its all a lie!

This isnt the real me.

Its just the me that keeps the peace, keeps the balance, keeps a sembalance of normality and familiarity because im scared of letting go, im scared of the outcome and im scared of hurting others even when i dont mean to. But how can i help it if its what i really feel, if its the real me, I cant help it, i dont know whats wrong with me....so i just lie instead. Its the better option...for everyone, everyone but me.

You often times hear how mothers or fathers do not feel connected with their child after its birth. They feel nothing towards this child and feel great grief over it, knowing they should feel all these diffrent emotions toward their child. They think somethings wrong with them but then over time as they are around the child more and watch it grow they learn to connect to the child, to love it. They watch them become their own person and the cycle might continue once that child becomes an adult and has children of its own, it has done so with many others.

I feel like that too. Can it be the same thing but the opposite way around, with the child being the one who wants to learn to love their parents? It wasnt always like this, i think i used to love them but my memories of my childhood have all faded into one big blur. I cannot recall any memories save for a few that have impacted me the most and only these i recalled recently or have kept with me and never once have left my mind. So i want to learn how to love them again, not just for them but also for me.

Lying and acting go hand in hand. One cannot exist without the other. You lie to act and you act to lie.

Thats the way i see it. Because i have known no diffrent. I do not know how to portray my feelings, my emotions, outwardly...not the real ones at least. So i lie. I lie and i act and i lie some more. Over and over and over again until i get twisted up in this web, this net of lies and fall down the rabbit hole until i dont even remember what i was like before. Before the lies, before all of it.

I dont know who the real me is anymore. But there is one thing i know, one thing i cant do.

Imagine this ; your going to bed at night and your parent comes to see you off one final time before you fall into your dreamland, and they say 'goodnight, sleep tight', 'see you in the morning', 'I love you'.

All the normality in the world, all the feelings and safety that should make you feel happy but all you feel instead is grief. Grief at yourself for only being able to reply back with a 'Okay' or 'Night' or a 'See you tomorrow' but never being able to utter the words 'I love you'. Because they carry so much weight to you, so much raw emotion that you cannot let escape from your being in fear. Pure fear of the unknown, of what will happen if you put these feelings on display, for the whole world to see.

Its not that i hate them, my parents, i just need to relearn how to let love win over fear, let them take my worries so i can love without restraint. Its like my heart is aching to be let out of its confinments within my chest where its tamed and trained to let the outershell act and lie while it rots away my entire being from the inside out.

Because 'I love you' are the only words i cannot speak out loud.

They are the only words i cannot bring myself to lie.

☆☆☆

@jakesully-sbabygirl @dreamsholdpowers @alohastitch0626 @1ntefly @arminsgfloll @bobojojoba69 @bucky12345 @destinylb @exactlyhappyflower @eternallyvenus @heart-an0n

(Everyone who used to read this is gone by now just watch😭✋)

#avatar #avatar way of water #avatar x reader #avatar x you #fanfiction #jake sully #kiri sully #lo'ak sully #neytiri #neteyam sully #tuk sully #platonic sully family x reader #platonic x reader #platonic

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bisexualhomelander · 23 days

Text

despite everything, i'm still human (but i think i'm dying here) - chapter iv

Ryan gains a new ability.

Ryan didn't enjoy being out in the woods. For one, they were dense, and he always feared he couldn't find his way to the house again. He was also scared that he'd accidentally stumble upon a ghost there. Sometimes, when the nightmares came, his mother called from the woods, gurgling on blood. Ryan hadn't meant to, he really hadn't, he'd just wanted her to be safe-

He bit his lip and moved on.

It all looked different now, no leaves on the trees. The only way to really tell the time in the house was the date set on his camera, so he knew it was November. They'd been living here for half a year.

He made his way through the skeletal branches. From time to time, he turned his head to check for the house. It was always there, like a ship in a sea of yellow leaves. He walked until he couldn't see it anymore, and then walked some more to make sure he was also invisible from inside the house.

He and Dad had had a fight. It had been their first actual fight if one didn't count the time Ryan yelled at him to leave him and his mother alone. But that hadn't been a proper one. Not really. They'd hardly known each other then, and it hadn't been like now because Mom had still been there, and Dad hadn't talked back at all.

Well, he hadn't talked back this time, either. Ryan felt guilty over yelling, but he knew he shouldn't. And yet, that utter look of devastation that had crossed his dad's features when he'd said what he had wouldn't leave his mind's eye.

"You're a fucking Dad! You are supposed to know those things!"

He leaned against a tree and slid down. In the bark, he could hear the insects carve their way. He envied them. Those small creatures instinctively knew what they were good for. They hatched and just... got it.

"Buddy... I... Ryan, please."

Ryan had spent all his life thinking he was a normal boy, but instead, he was a killing machine resembling a normal boy. There were days when he got mad at Mom for never telling him about his powers. Not because he had ever been invested in using them, but because he would have protected her. Even from his dad.

"No, fuck off! I don't wanna see you anymore! Go away!"

He remembered being fascinated by watching Homelander shoot his lasers in advertisements. He'd sometimes wished he could do it, had practiced in the mirror, had imagined red shooting from his eyes and killing his enemies.

"Ryan. Don't make this difficult."

At that point, Dad's voice had started to waver, but Ryan had been so angry that he had felt heat gather in his face and focus behind his eyes. It had taken most of his attention just to refocus all that energy on yelling instead of shooting twin beams into the wall - or his dad.

"Let me go! There's nothing you can do for me. There's nothing you can do at all! You're a shit dad! You're the worst dad in the world, and I hate you."

"I don't hate him," he told the little bugs in the bark. "But I hate that he can't help me. And that's unfair, right? He's the reason I'm still alive. Granddad would have killed me without a second thought. I know he's not that good a man, Dad. I know that. But he gave up all he had just so Granddad wouldn't hurt me. That's what a hero does, right?" He looked at the bark, focused his eyes, saw the moss melt away and let him peer inside the bugs' little pathways. "You don't even know I'm watching you. Vought does that to us, did you know? Dad doesn't know. He can't hear that kind of stuff any longer. His hearing's bad now." Ryan corrected himself. "His hearing's... normal now."

The bugs, once on the surface, just spread their wings and flew off. Ryan wished he knew how to do that. He really needed it now.

Experimentally, he hopped off the ground. Nothing. He copied the weird little crouch he had seen his dad do before jumping. Still nothing. He looked up at the trees and wondered if he could climb one and jump from there, but he just remembered the roof and the man his dad used to be, and then he remembered his mother.

"Don't you worry," he told the bugs. "I got a plan. Butcher knows about it, but Butcher's dying, so he can't help, either." Ryan pulled the phone out of his pocket. He showed it to the bugs in the bark. "See? He brought that to me in the cookie tin. With the toys. Vought didn't even check it, just like he said! They're cunts at Vought, you know?" Dad didn't like him saying that word, but the bugs didn't care. "They make people have powers, and then when they got us, they just lock us up forever. Why make us in the first place, right? Just so we can be in movies! Well, I'm making a movie, too. Do you want to see it?"

He showed them the video footage he had, two yellow Lego figures hugging in a living room. "That one's me, and that one's my dad. And this," he fast-forwarded the video, "this is my plan. D'you think it's a good plan?"

The bugs didn't agree or disagree, but he felt better after telling them. He didn't know how to tell his dad because Homelander had a tendency to overreact to those sorts of news, and he was so sad all the time. Though less after Ryan had started to show interest in his own powers.

He knew he had to go back home. He knew there was no running from it anymore.

Dad was sitting on the couch with his legs crossed when Ryan came in. He was holding a book, nonchalant as could be. The book was upside down, and Homelander's shoulders were rapidly moving with his quick shallow breaths like he'd run to the couch. His heartbeat was like a rabbit's, fast and scared.

So he'd been watching Ryan come closer from the window and didn't want him to know that's what he'd been doing.

Ryan toed off his shoes and walked over to his father to wrap both arms around his shoulders from behind the back rest. He buried his face in his father's clothes, inhaled that no-longer-new human scent of him, and broke down. "I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry!"

He didn't even pay any mind to the low hum that signalled they weren't alone.

Dad started crying, too, after a while, rubbing Ryan's hands in a gesture of comfort that managed to calm them both down. "I really thought you hated me, bud."

"I couldn't," Ryan said. "You're the only dad I have."

"You have time, Ryan."

They were walking side by side, Dad with his gold-rimmed glasses and a beanie, Ryan with his grey-sleeved Vought brand jacket. They must have made such a normal sight.

Ryan was glad there were never many people on the paths you had to walk on before you could get to the woods proper. Dad always got a little sad when they walked past others and they didn't recognise him at all. But when Ryan asked him about it, he said he was happy they didn't because being seen like this would be worse.

"I don't think I have any left."

"Why's that?"

They were in the woods by now, so Ryan knew he could speak freely. "Houses don't make noises, usually."

Dad's brows furrowed. "Yeah?"

"When I was small, I used to ask Mom why the house sounded like a bumblebee. There was a constant humming sound that I couldn't understand. Mom told me she heard nothing, but she seemed sad when she said it. I figured it was because she was jealous I could hear something she couldn't. I didn't know back then that it was because she was human and I was a supe. Anyway. I didn't hear that noise in any of the houses I've lived in afterwards. But our house has the hum. And you know why? I know why. There are cameras and microphones everywhere. In every wall. On every floor. In every single room apart from the bathroom."

His dad paled. There was a moment where he went through a rapid selection of expressions, and then his face was empty like he'd accidentally dropped all his emotions on the floor. "They wouldn't dare."

It had been months since Ryan had last heard him sound like... well, like Homelander. Dad's face had finally settled on a rage so overwhelming that Ryan instinctively took a step back, but he quickly recovered and grabbed his father to force him to look at him. "So they're watching. Vought. I've known this for a while. But don't worry, I've got it all figured out. Look!" He pulled out the phone.

"Is that-?"

"Your very first gift. That phone. I had it in my pocket when I... had to leave. So I just held on to it whenever I switched to a new safehouse with Aunt Grace. I kept it in a cookie tin with some toys. Butcher brought it to me because he knew it was in there. Ever since, I've been planning our escape."

Dad's face could have said anything and nothing at all. There was confusion, sadness. Mostly, there was fear. Not on his face, but in his blood. Adrenaline. Ryan didn't enjoy that smell. It gave him goosebumps. "So your movie..."

"I didn't want Vought to know that's what I've been doing. But I had to figure some things out, and I think best when I make movies. It just makes it more real. Well, I'm almost done, but I'm missing one key point: the escape route." Ryan had talked himself into a frenzy. His cheeks were burning, and his heart was beating almost painfully. He walked over to the trees. "We don't have a car, and it wouldn't do anything anyway. Vought would find a way. It's easier to smuggle a phone into the house than it is a car. But I can fly us out. If you teach me how." He turned back around to his dad. "Teach me."

"Now?"

"Right now."

"Where would we even-? Ryan, it-"

He took his father by the hands. "I know you're scared. I'm scared, too. But we'll figure it out, Dad. We'll figure it all out. We'll have help, I'll make sure of it. Butcher will help. And Aunt Grace will help, too, if I ask her. I just needed to run it by you first."

"It shouldn't be your job to get us out of here."

"I can't do it without you, Dad. You've already taught me so much, and you're always there for me when I need you. And you'll teach me everything you know. You made me that promise."

Homelander's eyes softened, and while his smile was unsteady, it was undoubtedly real. "I'm proud of you, you know? I'm really proud of you."

Ryan shrugged happily. "We got a lot of work to do, Dad."

Homelander clapped. "Let's get to it." He looked around, surveying their surroundings. "There is... nowhere we can train, really. But that's not important now. What's important is that you get a feel for your body in the air. I'll just have to lift you."

Ryan extended his arms, and Homelander took hold of him and hoisted him up. That had been a lot easier when he'd been smaller, Ryan knew. Within the past six months, he'd had to ask Vought to send him an entirely new wardrobe. Sometimes, his joint hurt with how fast he got taller.

The few times his dad had tried to hold him like this, his knees had started to buckle immediately. This time, it was different. His dad huffed a little, but his arms remained steady all the while. Ryan felt safe in his hold, not like he was weighing him down. It reminded him of back then. Of when Ryan had foolishly run away from his mother's house with his dad and this cruel woman.

"You can lift me up so easily now."

"Hm. Maybe I'm slowly building muscle. Wouldn't that be a thing? Your dad, finally as buff as his suit!"

"You'll be so ripped!"

They had a laugh about it, and it got rid of the last tension in them.

"So," his dad began to explain. "I know the rooftop was one of my worse ideas, but I wasn't wrong about what I told you that day. Your body knows how to do it, you just have to trust yourself. So what I'll do is this." His dad let him go, and Ryan landed on the ground. "I'll do it as often as I have to until you feel the weight of your own body taking up space in the air."

It was easier when he closed his eyes. The repetetive motion of Dad lifting him up and letting him go was meditative. Ryan moved his feet in the air, let them dangle, tried to go limp in his father's hold. He didn't even necessarily try to fly so much as try to make himself weightless, like an astronaut floating about.

"Like this," Dad kept saying. "Just like this."

Ryan didn't know whether he was doing it right, but his legs did feel a bit lighter. At first, he'd felt his blood rush into his extremities, feeling his weight most acutely in his legs. Now, his upper body above his dad's grip felt heavier than the rest. And Dad's hands felt different, too, his touch light but constant, and wow, he hadn't let him drop down in a while now.

"Dad, you can let go."

"You might wanna open your eyes, buddy."

Ryan did.

His dad's voice hadn't come from where he'd expected it to be. When he opened his eyes, he wasn't face to face with Homelander anymore. No. Homelander was looking up at him like Ryan had grown four inches over a minute.

He'd never seen his dad smile like that.

Dad's hands were hovering over his sides, but they weren't touching him. Ryan hung suspended in the air. He finally chanced a glance downwards. The sight shocked him enough to have him lose balance and slump down, barely landing on his feet. He staggered, and his dad caught him and held him upright immediately. They were hugging before Ryan had even regained his whereabouts.

"Didn't I tell you? Didn't I tell you you could? I knew you can! I knew you can fly!" His dad was rambling, ruffling his hair, and Ryan's heart soared. He'd almost forgotten what it felt like to have zero worries.

"Again!" he said and almost hopped into his father's arms.

Homelander willingly held him up until he was ready. This time, Ryan didn't keep his eyes closed. He wobbled a little as his father let go of him, but he managed to shift his weight just in time and stay where he was.

"Now, try moving." Homelander stepped back, giving Ryan plenty of space. "Maybe try flying towards the tree over there. This one right there." There was a lonely birch in the middle of the clearing, like it had been planted only with Ryan in mind.

Ryan's feet felt like they were in chains. His upper body moved easily in the right direction, but the rest of him didn't want to. He tried to put his all into it-

-and flopped forward onto the ground, landing on his face.

He was spitting out leaves as his father walked over to him. "You alright, bucko?"

He picked a leaf off his tongue. "Fine," he said, but it sounded petulant even to himself.

"Don't get angry at yourself. That was a great first try."

"We don't have time for first tries here. I need to do this. If they find out we're planning anything-"

"The cameras are probably watched by Crime Analytics, that's The Deep, that's- I wouldn't be too scared too quickly about them. Don't hurry. We'll do it like we did before. I'll guide you there, and you'll just hold on."

It took Ryan several tries to even get close to the birch, his father's hands acting as training wheels. But eventually, his hand touched the bark, and he held onto the stem for dear life.

"Can I try something?"

"Anything you like. Nothing can stop you now."

That was an exagerration, but his father by now seemed almost drunk on Ryan's quick success.

Ryan tried to reach for an upper branch, pulling himself upwards by it without letting his feet touch the stem. At first, he still used the strength of his arms, but then his entire body moved upwards of its own volition.

He didn't look down.

He didn't look down with the next three branches, either. Looking down would just unbalance him, and he didn't need that. It was just like climbing, really. He reached the top of the tree without further problem. He could see the house from here.

And if he could see the house, then that meant the cameras might pick him up, and-

He gasped, lost hold of the branch, and fell to the ground. His teeth rattled in his skull from the impact, but his back - that he'd awkwardly landed on - didn't even smart.

"Ryan!" Homelander was there, helping him up, but Ryan shooed his hands away and got to his feet.

"Weird." He looked at his palms where he'd tried to hold onto anything. His skin was unblemished without any scrapes. "That would've hurt me before."

"You're getting stronger every day. Developing your powers comes with some bonuses." Homelander looked up at the birch, mouth almost twisted into a smile.

Ryan understood why when he followed his father's gaze. The branches on his way down had been torn off by his hands in a panicked attempt to grab onto them. The birch looked mangled beyond belief.

"If someone sees this," Homelander said as they got ready to go, "what will they think happened here?"

"Stupid baby bird fell out of the nest."

"That was a huge baby bird if it took all the branches."

"Eagles are kinda big, no?"

Ryan really, really didn't know if he'd ever heard his dad laugh out loud before.

"Is it normal to see better without the glasses on?"

"Uh, I think you can become far-sighted if you get old." His father visibly flinched at those words, so Ryan was quick to go on. "It cancels each other out or something. So if you're short-sighted, but then get far-sighted, you don't have the same prescription. I think? I don't know."

"I'll have to send for someone to see what's up with my eyes, then." He set the glasses down and looked at Ryan. It was almost an uncommon sight to see him without the gold-rimmed glasses around his eyes. He looked more like he had back then, when they'd first gotten to know each other, except his hair was now a solid dark-blonde, almost brown. Like Ryan's. It had bothered Ryan whenever he'd find a new piece of himself in his father: they eye colour, the smile, the shape of his cheekbone when he grinned. Now the hair. The powers, always those.

Today, it didn't bother him at all. They had snuck back into the house like two boys with a secret, spending the way back home with over-exaggerated shushing gestures.

Now, they were in front of the fire with some hot cocoa. They were waiting for nighttime. For the plan to properly begin.

Ryan kept staring into the fire, and apparently his dad could read minds now because he figured out why pretty quickly and grabbed for Ryan's hand when he wanted to extend it toward the fire.

For a few months now, his experience with temperature had been gradually undergoing change.

He remembered shivering in his snow suit as a toddler when Mom had thrown snow in his face. He had felt the cold like a bite to his skin. The heat had driven sweat on his brow. Now, he could lean as close to the fire as he liked, and while he could always feel the warmth, there was never a moment where he recoiled from it.

"Will it hurt if I touch the flames?"

There was a beat of silence. His dad was still holding onto his hand. "It'll hurt. I can't promise it won't burn you a bit. Wait a while until you're sure it won't. You've seen you're getting strong."

"You were probably immune to damage at my age."

"Yes."

"Why were you so much better than me? You said you were breaking the sound barrier when you were something like six or seven. I can't even fly." It felt amazing to lie. His mother wouldn't be proud of that. Or maybe she would.

Homelander tried to look around the room inconspiciously. Ryan wished he hadn't told him about the cameras, but it felt good to no longer have to keep it secret. Eventually, Homelander heaved a sigh. His voice was low. Angry, but low. "When I was five years old, the doctors shoved me into an incinerator. Hand first. Like you want to try. My skin blistered, so they broke off the experiment. And did it again and again until my skin didn't start peeling off. When that was the case, they asked me to get into the incinerator entirely. My whole body. I was... maybe seven at the time. I don't remember anything about the heat. I don't think it was painful at that point. I certainly would remember sustaining an injury. No, funnily enough, the only thing I remember is hearing my own scream. Inside of there. The roar of the flames and then my voice."

Ryan felt nauseous. He drank down the last of his cocoa, snuggled into his father, and whispered into his ear: "They won't do this to you or me. Ever again."

The bathroom didn't have cameras, so leaving out of that window was easy enough. Homelander wouldn't fit through, but Ryan did. He climbed out, made his way over the roof, then took a deep breath and decided to just step into the empty air. His stomach dropped, but his body didn't fail his leap of faith. He drifted to the ground slowly and quietly.

There were no lights outside anywhere, so he made his way through the dark until he stepped off the paths and into the- into his- into their woods. He wasn't scared of seeing Mom's ghost this time. He wasn't scared of anything right now.

The dark and quiet didn't have to be dark and quiet at all. When he started to feel alone, he tuned his ears into the sounds of the woods. Thousands upon thousands of insects and other animals. He wasn't alone. He could hear his dad's heartbeat from here. When he felt like he wanted to see, he powered up the lasers, and the woods began to glow. When he wanted to find a spot with good reception, he didn't have to traipse around the forest floor. He floated above the treeline until his phone showed a full three bars.

He settled into the branches and put the phone to his ear. His hands were shaking when he waited for the voice he needed to hear, but he found it was from excitement.

"Newark?" she said. The codeword for this particular number.

He didn't bother replying in kind. He just got right to his point. "Aunt Grace? I need help."

#homelander #ryan butcher #my writing

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sayafics · 11 months

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Ghost - Chapter IV

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Casper was still soundly asleep, her face still pressed up against Rick's back, and Rick found himself leaning his head back to lean on her shoulder. He basked in the silence, in the feeling of not being alone. He basked in the warmth of another person, even when his mind screamed and begged him not to.

He was a married man. He and Lori may have been struggling before the dead had risen, but he still had his ring which meant he still had his vows to uphold.

Rick knew what he wanted to do. He was going to find Carl, going to find Lori, and he was going to make sure Casper was by his side through it all.

Rick couldn't help it. He didn't know why he was feeling this way. Maybe it was because he hadn't felt the touch of another person in so long. Perhaps his body was starved of the presence of another after being in a coma for so long - he didn't know.

What he did know was, even over the course of a few hours, he found himself gravitating towards Casper. Even as guilt weighed down his soul, he promised himself he would never cross any lines as he explored the tentative friendship and partnership that was building between them.

Casper is a friend. That's all she is.

He focused on the sound of her shallow breathing, a calm and steadying sound that was lulling him to sleep after the chaotic day they had both endured. As he found himself seeping into a light sleep, the sound of a car alarm jerked him awake.

Rick's head lifted up from Casper's shoulder frantically, his first instinct telling him to check on her as he turned his head to face her - she was still asleep, and the realisation made him concerned, for her to be so tired that she could sleep through something as loud as this.

At the sound of the alarm, Duane began to panic, which prompted Morgan to comfort his son, "hey. It’s okay. Daddy’s here. It’s nothing. One of them must have bumped a car."

"Are you sure?"

Rick was worried. What if it was a person? Someone trying to escape the clutches of the dead or hoping for a rescue.

"It happened once before. It went on for a few minutes. Get the light, Duane."

Morgan beckoned Rick towards the window, and Rick's heart sank at the realisation that he was almost disappointed, perhaps even a little scared, to leave Casper's side - especially when she was asleep and vulnerable.

As Rick joins Morgan's side, they peer through the curtains, "it's the blue one, on the street. The same one as last time. I think we’re okay."

"That noise - won't it bring more of them?" He needed to know more about how these monsters worked and how they behaved. He needed to know if they were going to survive and find his son.

"Nothing we can do about it now. Just have to wait ‘em out till morning."

Rick regarded the outside scene, dread building at the pit of his stomach as he got ready to turn away. Instead, Duane pulls his attention onto him - "she's here."

Confusion painted Rick's face as he returned his gaze outside the window, looking for the woman Duane was so fearful of. His mother, Rick later learns.

Morgan encourages Duane to move away from the window, following him to comfort him but also help stifle his mournful cries so they weren't heard by the walkers outside.

It was as though Duane's cries were a trigger for Casper's. She flailed slightly in her sleep as though reaching out for something or someone.

Her face contorted to an expression of fear, quiet whimpers and whines escaping her lips as tossed and turned, and Rick swore he could see trails of tears seeping from her eyes as she struggled to wake up from whatever nightmares she was enduring.

Morgan looked towards Rick, a panicked expression painting itself across his face - "you gotta make her quiet. I told you, they follow noise."

Rick wasn't sure what he could do to help, but he found himself making his way towards Casper and kneeling next to the couch. His hands made their way to her shoulders, a sense of deja vu washing over him as he tried to break her from her slumber and bring her back to him.

Only this time, it seemed she was drowning in her own nightmares and his efforts were in vain.

Her whimpers of fear became quiet cries for help, mumbled words slipping through and her breathing becoming laboured, causing Morgan to become more frantic as he comforted his son.

"Rick."

It was forceful, the tone pushing Rick to do better - to try harder.

Rick stood up slightly, placing an arm under her head and another under her knees. He heaved her body up, surprised with how light she felt as though she hasn't been eating enough - although considering she had been in that hospital for a few days, it was not all too surprising.

Rick lowered himself to the ground, pulling the girl who was so distraught by the dreams she was seeing closer.

Casper laid across his lap, her fearful whimpers quieter, but Rick could feel the way her body trembled in his arms - whatever it was that she was seeing, it was enough to drain the colour from her face, enough to make her skin cold and clammy.

Rick just pulled her closer, moving to lie on the cushions beneath him as he cradled her body close to his own. He could hear his own words taunting him - how he promised to not cross any lines, promised to not let her get too close, promised himself he wouldn't get too close.

Rick could feel Casper relax further as seconds lapsed into minutes, burrowing herself as close to Rick as she could get - her head laying in the crook of his neck, her slowing breaths brushing gently across his skin and leaving goosebumps in its wake, as her hands held him close to her the way she was held against him. The jumper she wore had ridden up, the shifting of fabric causing the bare skin of her stomach to brush against his own as she moved to find a comfortable position, the sensation dragging butterflies to the pit of his stomach - a guilt-ridden warmth drowned his body as his mind recalled the multiple times in the past few hours they had found themselves touching each other unintentionally in such a manner.

Rick swore he could feel the thudding of her beating heart, feel the way it calmed and slowed as she took comfort in his presence - just this once.

He would indulge himself just this one, just for her.

Just for her.

Rick thought about laying her back on the couch when she had calmed down, falling back into a serene sleep once more, but his eyes grew heavier as he was lulled into a sense of safety at the feeling of her heart beating alongside his own, at the feeling of her skin pressed against his own.

And so, the pair slept in a tangled embrace, unaware of the stares they were receiving from Morgan who simply wondered how they planned to explain such a bond if they found Rick's family.

If. He told himself, if.

***

The next morning had been slow, Rick and Casper waking up to find themselves locked in each other's embrace - their legs intertwined as her head rested under his chin, her hands gripping the arm Rick had thrown over her in his sleep.

When Rick had awoken, he could smell a faint scent of peppermint and strawberries mixed with the familiar scent of a cologne he hadn't used in almost a month. Glancing down, realisation washes over his as he sees that it was his jumper she had worn to sleep.

He tried to push off the feeling of pride that swelled in his chest, choosing instead to slowly untangle himself as the woman who slept next to him began to slowly awaken too.

The pair had been embarrassed as they realised they had fallen asleep in each other's embrace - Casper was confused as to how she had gotten there, confused as to why she felt so content in Rick's embrace.

The morning had been an awkward one, and the four of them were off to a slow start already.

As Duane and Morgan prepared a small breakfast for them all, Rick took it upon himself to clear up Casper's confusion. He explained to her how she had been crying out in her sleep, and all he did was try to comfort her.

Casper felt her cheeks heat crimson at the confession, embarassed that she had been so vocal about the horrors she had seen in the dark but glad, nonetheless, Rick had helped her.

Rick wanted to know what her nightmare was about, Morgan and Duane were curious too, but Casper could not remember much of it herself. Only blurred faces and smudged colours, her past life hiding behind a distorted image of what the truth really was.

So, instead, Rick reassured her she had nothing to be embarrassed of, that if the opportunity arose again, he would do the same thing without thinking. She was already sacrificing so much to help him with his ventures. Small moments such as these cost him nothing. And if he was being honest, a small part of him, a part of him he had been trying to shove deep down into the dark corners of his mind, enjoyed her presence. Enjoyed her touch, her smile, her voice. But he couldn't, not outwardly anyway. Because Carl was still alive, he had to be, and he couldn't do that to his child or the mother of his child.

The four of them had eventually made their way to Rick's house, the short walk giving Rick an opportunity to attempt to take down a walker. He struggled a bit, and as Casper watched him repeatedly bash the walker with a baseball bat, she swore she could hear a quiet voice telling her to go for the head.

The head. That was how you take them out. She didn't know how she knew that, but as she recalled the duffelbag that had been hidden under her hospital bed, the bandage that covered her back, the weapons with her name carved into them she knew, she had to have experienced this before she woke up in that hospital.

Caspe thinks she must've hit her head, or maybe whatever she had experienced had been traumatic enough for the memories of those few weeks to be pushed out of her mind completely.

There was so much she couldn't remember, and so little she could piece together from what was left in her bag.

She was lost in a world that was so daunting, she was afraid. But she had survived then, and she would survive now.

Casper can't remember when they had exactly walked into the house, but she does know as Rick, Morgan and Duane walked into the living room, she found herself retracing her steps from yesterday back to the room she hid her bag.

She looked towards the bed she had pushed the bag under, walking towards it so she could grab it before heading back down with the others. It seemed her mind had plans of its own, as her eyes subconsciously moved towards the mirror in Rick's room.

She paused there for a moment, taking herself in.

She was tired, so tired.

It was visible on her face, her brown eyes that had looked so alive and vibrant in the photographs in her bag now seemed dull, weighed down by constant worry as a permanent crease was forming between her brows from how tensed she kept them, her hair - dark and long, falling down her back in loose waves - was greasy and matted in blood despite her efforts remove it earlier this morning.

At the thought of blood, her mind recalled the bandage strapped to her back. Of the secrets that lurked beneath it.

Rick had been shot, but what had happened to her?

Casper looked towards the bedside table, rummaging through the drawers before she pulled out a brown ribbon, using it to tie her hair into a low bun. Returning to the mirror, she turned her back slightly towards it, lifting her jumper to see if her wound would be visible from this angle.

She let out a frustrated breath as she realised that nothing could be seen except the edges of a fraying, white bandage.

She heard footsteps coming up the stairs, worried for a moment it may have been Morgan she lowered the edge of the jumper slightly but instead it was Rick who crossed into the threshold with a pair of keys weighing heavily in his hands as he got ready to beckon her to a car so they could make their way to the Sheriff's department with Morgan and Duane.

When he walked in on her attempting to look at what was hidden beneath her bandage, apprehension began to build in his chest.

He knew if whatever laid under there resembled a bite, Casper would turn into a walker, and that was only if Morgan didn't get to her first. Rick didn't know if he could deal with such a loss, not when he was already teetering between grief and optimism.

Rick saw how her eyes had widened when he had walked in, the way the blood had drained from her face, and her fingers gripped the edge of his her jumper tightly.

He knew that her fears were almost the same as his.

Rick stepped forward, slowly.

"I could hel-"

"No."

Her voice was quiet, but she shook her head vigorously, but Rick insisted, "Casper, c'mon just let me check."

"No, Rick. Please. If you do, and it's what we both think it is..."

"It won't be." Rick's voice was strong, leaving no room for doubt, but as Casper heard Duane's and Morgan's voices from just below, she knew she couldn't take the risk.

Casper turned to look at Rick, walking towards him in a rushed stumble. She stopped right as the tips of her shoes brushed against his own, her neck craning to look up at him as her eyes met his, unbridled fear causing her eyes to glitter with unshed tears.

"Rick."

That was all she said, and that was all it took.

He couldn't help it, and if he was telling the truth, he didn't want to take the risk either. He didn't know what he would do if the hidden injury turned out to be a bite.

Morgan had said a bite can take from a few hours to days to make a person turn, that they would get a fever and that would be what took their life.

Rick and Casper didn't know how long she had been in that hospital, for all Rick knew it could have been for minutes before he had awoken.

The pair shared a weighted stare, one filled with promises and reassurance.

They would wait, days if they had to.

They would wait, and if she didn't get a fever then they would check.

Rick found himself brushing back a stray strand of her as he lamented to her pleas. The movement only now caused him to realise she had put her hair up, and he took a moment to appreciate her. To appreciate her beauty and her strength, to look into her eyes and take in every detail he could see in her face - the beauty mark on the bridge of her nose, her dark eyelashes, the slight scar on her upper lip, a few faded scars from blemishes scattered her cheeks like freckles.

He took all of her in, burning her face into his memory.

Rick couldn't listen to the pleas of his guilt anymore, not when he knew that she could die before he even found his family. If he ever found his family.

Rick had hope. Of course he did. But he was a cop and being one meant he had to be realistic.

Rick took a slow step back, standing to one side as he nodded his head towards the stairwell, "c'mon sweetheart," the pet name passing his lips with ease, a gentle tone to his voice as he tried to hide his own fears.

Casper relaxed at the order, happy that he had adhered to her requests and that they could live in ignorance for at least a few more hours.

She rushed back to the bed, dragging out her duffelbag from underneath and heaving it onto her shoulder before she walked down the stairs, her heart picking up its pace at the sight of Morgan and Duane, but as she felt Rick's warm presence right behind her, she knew she didn't have to worry as long as she had him.

#andrea twd #daryl dixon #daryl dixon x oc #daryl dixon x reader #lori grimes #glenn rhee #rick grimes #rick grimes x oc #rick grimes x you #rick grimes x reader #rickyl #rickyl x reader #rick grimes x reader x daryl dixon #twd fanfiction #twd daryl #twd #the walking dead

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dogstarblues · 9 months

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read Sisters of Sorrow. thoughts under the cut

realized ive been keeping my head down about my abuse and being dismissive of my own experiences more than i thought and that it wasnt actually me healing bc otherwise i would not have felt seriously empowered for the actual first time in my life reading about women dressing up in nun's habits and killing abusers and rapists with guns and rosaries. ive been ignoring posts that are like "kill all abusers" even tho thats my instinct and i desperately want to reblog them bc ive been trying to engage emotionally with harm reduction and transformative+restorative justice and like. emotionally its just not helping. i think they could be good practices when implemented on a community and institutional level but i dont have community outside of my online community and ive only known of two abusers (among all the people who hurt me and my friends) who ever fucking stopped of their own accord and tried to be better. because otherwise ive never heard of an abuser who just fucking stopped and justice doesnt happen institutionally. so i think i need to be angry again for a while longer, in a way that allows me to work through things. i need to learn to recognize my feelings before letting them go. and i think i need to feel like killing for a time to process my hurt. bc i think i just shut my hurt away with my last abuser who i have complicated feelings abt bc first lesbian relationship and all that. i dont want her dead. but what she did to me felt like it was in a different area or something, even tho ive been emotionally abused before. much to think abt there.

sisters of sorrow is especially timely since my first abuser, my mother, might be really sick and my first thought after breaking down crying the third time was to be apologetic abt what she did to me and have the urge to visit her and repair things when i had been wishing thay she was dead and wanting to rip her throat out with my teeth since i was 12 years old, if not earlier until the age of 28. and im 30. i KNOW seeing her is a horrible idea bc shes been trying to sink her teeth into me ever since i got out or clutches and the only reason my sister wants me there is to act as a buffer between her and my mother, who abuses her too. i should treat myself better. i shouldnt keep my head down about whats happened to me. i shouldnt keep saying my automatic reply of: "it's okay." i should learn how to acknowledge my anger before letting it go, before the waters in my river take it from me.

#dogstar speaking #abuse//#abuse mention//

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wondermentishere · 2 years

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feeling pretty emotional right now. this song speaks to my soul, especially the words, “hurt dont heal when im always tryna hide.” im done hiding. i spent about 6 hours today in and out of clinics/hospitals and all i could feel on the way home was exhaustion. my arm is in pain, yes, but emotionally i felt like it was my first time breathing with relief all day. i had a moment with myself in the car, before i went in to see the doctor, that i decided to use to pray. i paused and pondered, “who should i channel my energy towards?” God? my ancestors and spirit guides? my Ori? i dont pray often, but when i do these are the beings i usually focus on. this time was different though. i felt like i just needed to pour energy and care on myself in the moment. i was so in need of comfort and care that i knew projecting outwards into the sky would still leave me feeling unseen and untouched. so, i decided to just be still and breathe. it didnt last for long, but it was all i needed to pick myself up and tread towards my destiny.

i have a complicated relationship with my mother. i love her, but i cant count on her. i never could, and this time was no different. the past couple of days ive found myself distraught and disturbed over the reality that she would not be extending help that we both know i need. ive put in alot of work with my therapist over the past year to wean myself off of feeling like i need my mom. my expectations of her just break my heart, so ive had to get rid of them to have a sound spirit. but times like this, when im under financial stress, my instincts are to reach out for her. my hand was clutched and it resurfaced all of the negative feelings ive ever had for her. these feelings very much so align with hatred and resentment; as well as agony. i quickly remembered that this way of perceiving life and people is unsustainable. i had to remind myself of my reality and let go, once again.

i have no one to run to. this is my absolute truth. skipping over this fact and pouring hope into a cup that i don’t sip will leave me with nothing but defeat. this time felt like a spiritual awakening that extended from my mother all the way to God. my relationship to my mom is very similar to my relationship to the Creator.

im sure God exists, but its none of my business. im focusing on me and taking care of me.

#diary #agnostic post

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ladyartemesia · 3 years

Text

The Praetor

◐ PART VI of THE ALPHA ◐

◐ Series Masterlist ◐

◐ Part I ◐ Part II ◐ Part III ◐ Part IV ◐ Part V ◐

Pairing: Alpha Werewolf Jimin x Omega Reader

Rating: Hard Mature 18+ (for this installment)

Warnings: sexual content including grinding and marking, some light (and totally consensual) manhandling, ABO sexual dynamics including discussion of scenting, marking, mating, and claiming. Violence and discussion of violence relating to ritual combat, possessive behavior, injuries and discussion of injuries

Special Note: Yoonji and Yunli are NOT the same person. Yoonji is Yoongi and Yunli’s cousin. She is sometimes affectionately called “Ji-ah.”

Word Count: 5500 (wow)

Author’s Note: Life has been really hard. I won’t beat around the bush. It was hard to do anything... but your kind words and support really kept me going. Truly you guys straight up manifested this chapter with your incredible support. As always, my angels @ppersonna @xjoonchildx @untaemedqueen and @underthejoon were the best betas and the best friends anyone could ask for. My thanks to ALL of you for helping me bring this story to life!

“Alpha.”

Namjoon’s voice echoed through the clearing with profound resonance.

There would be no more fighting.

There would be no more doubt.

It was a complete surrender, the kind only a true Alpha could compel.

A frantic whimper suddenly split the air, drawing every eye to you-

But you saw only him.

“Untie me,” you pleaded, struggling impatiently against the restraints.

One of the elders moved to release you, but before she could, Jin produced a knife and cut you free with the kind of terrifying precision expected of a man who was every bit as deadly as he was beautiful.

Then you were running - and this time, no one could stop you.

Your body crashed into his and fiery joy shot through you as he pulled you into his arms.

His scent wrapped around your senses like a warm blanket, covering the fear and pain of the past days in unimaginable relief.

“Jimin.”

“I’m here. I have you,” he whispered.

Your entire frame seemed to shake as you sobbed against his chest. It was as if you could not draw close enough - could not hold tight enough - to be satisfied. Part of you was still terrified that you would wake up and discover that all of this had been a dream...

Then you heard it.

Another set of knees hitting the ground.

“Alpha.”

Then another-

“Alpha.“

And another

“Alpha.”

Till the air was filled with hundreds of voices, all speaking the same word.

“Alpha.”

Namjoon remembered very little of what happened after his surrender...

Just pain.

His limbs seemed oddly disconnected from the rest of his body. There was blood everywhere (and he was reasonably sure it was his).

He knew he should feel defeated, broken - ashamed even.

Instead he felt strangely...

Light.

As if a great weight had lifted from his shoulders.

The last thing he saw before losing consciousness entirely was Yunli’s tear-stained gaze - still fixed on him - even as the others turned to face their new Alpha.

He breathed out her name in a quiet, desperate plea as the darkness overtook him.

Jimin was only in your arms a few moments before healers and half the elder’s council came rushing forward on all sides.

You snarled instinctively at the first elder who tried to collect him, but a healer eventually got close enough to reason with you after pointing out that the wound on his shoulder could possibly become infected if left untreated for much longer.

An Alpha’s injuries always took the highest priority, but Jimin directed them all toward Namjoon, brushing away anyone who attempted to tend to him.

By that point Jin and your mother had found their way to your side and were gently trying to pull you back - even as more elders reached for your mate.

Everyone was speaking at once - words about preparations and plans and ceremonies - but none of it registered over the waves of frantic adrenaline still pounding through your system.

You didn’t know what they wanted or why they were so close-

just that they were trying to take him away again.

No.

Suddenly a senior elder placed his hand on Jimin’s forearm and your wolf snapped entirely.

Omegas were known for their speed and as a Luna, yours was unparalleled.

Two council members and a healer went flying into the dirt within the space of a single second as your body instinctively assumed a defensive stance. The remaining elders stumbled back in alarm and your mother fainted dead away forcing Jin to catch her rather inelegantly.

Your canines began to lengthen as you pressed your back to the Alpha, letting primal rage guide your movements.

They had tied you up.

Forced you to watch as he was attacked again and again and again-

An omega would defend their mate to the death and you had spent days knowing he was in danger...

Feeling powerless, feeling paralyzed-

Your wolf had simply had enough.

“Luna please-“ the chief elder began cautiously, but you cut him off with warning growl and lunged - fully prepared to end the next person who attempted to separate you from-

Strong arms closed around you, pulling you back to the comforting warmth that enveloped you moments ago.

Jimin.

“Luna,” he whispered against your skin and you shivered, letting your eyes flutter shut.

Then you felt it.

The gentle pressure of the Alpha - your mate - nosing softly at your neck.

It was a gesture of soothing affection.

Of gratitude.

Slowly he turned you in his arms till you were facing him once again. The fire in your blood began to fade as you simply took him in, struck by the sensual beauty of his face and the possessive heat in his gaze.

“So fierce,” he hummed, tilting his head so you could bury yourself in his scent once more. His hands brushed soothing circles over your back, leaving delicious sparks of pleasure in their wake.

“I’m safe,” he promised as you nuzzled into him needily. “You can rest now...”

The pleasant pull of his command wove heavily through your senses. You felt your feet leave the ground as he lifted you fully into his arms...

Then you slipped into a blissful sleep.

The healers worked for hours on Namjoon.

Some betas were blessed with minor healing abilities - a valuable gift stemming from a type of energy transference. He could feel the heat of their hands as they poured themselves - literally - into mending his battered body.

His ribs were set and wrapped tightly and the swelling and bruising were already beginning to fade due to the assortment of vile tasting herbal concoctions they insisted on ramming down his throat.

Accelerated healing and potent herbal intervention truly went a long way, but it would take time and rest to restore him fully.

Despite his lingering soreness, Namjoon was finally lucid enough to think for the first time since the fight and there was certainly a wealth of things to think about…

Yet his mind kept going back to that moment-

To her.

“Kim Namjoon.”

Every hair on his body raised to attention.

“Alpha-”

He struggled to pull himself upright, but Jimin placed a hand on his arm to still him.

“Please,” he spoke softly, “let me sit. I’ve caused you enough trouble for one day.”

A painful chuckle stuttered out of Namjoon and he shook his head.

“Shouldn’t I be the one saying that? We both know this is entirely my fault.”

Jimin’s eyes dropped in reluctant amusement..

“You think rather highly of yourself,” he said with a barely perceptible grin, echoing his words in the chief elder’s chambers a day - a lifetime - ago. “I believe I had something to do with it as well.”

Namjoon laughed and winced immediately. He rubbed gingerly over the binding on his ribs before voicing the question that had plagued him from the moment he awoke.

“How quickly?”

The Alpha tilted his head in confusion. “I’m not sure I understand.”

“How quickly,” Namjoon grunted, pulling himself to an upright position, “could you have killed me?”

There was a strange sort of acceptance in his eyes, a profound and untainted respect that Jimin was wholly unused to receiving from a man like him.

It was equal parts humbling and overwhelming.

“The first hit... a little to the left - at full force - would have fractured your sternum and penetrated your heart. You’d have been dead in a matter of minutes.”

Namjoon was silent for a long time.

“Why did you spare me? ...I challenged you, threatened you, intended to lay claim to your mate which-” he rubbed idly at the back of his neck, “I’m beginning to understand is enough to enrage any man… So why am I still here?”

“Because,” Jimin sighed, “apparently I think very highly of you too, Kim Namjoon.”

“Well… I’m flattered, but I - I still don’t understand… I’ve done nothing but underestimate you. Most wolves would have made an example of me.”

“Oh I intend to make an example of you,” Jimin smiled and Namjoon felt his blood run cold for the briefest instant, “but not in the way you’re thinking.”

The Alpha’s eyes took on a strangely solemn light. “I have no intention of ruling through fear and violence.”

After a moment, his gaze met Namjoon’s again.

“You were right… Without your challenge, the pack would never have trusted my leadership. You were the obvious choice to be Alpha and without defeating you decisively, they would always look to you as an alternative.”

Namjoon eyed his collection of injuries sardonically.

“Something tells me you won’t have that issue now.”

“And I have you to thank for that.”

“So … you spared my life in gratitude?”

“I spared your life because it was well worth sparing. You have always led your clan with honor and dignity. You don’t strike me as someone who enjoys killing, yet you were willing to do so for the good of our people. Such a man is a far better example alive than he is dead.”

Namjoon could not help but be impressed by the younger alpha’s insight and perception.

Our goddess has chosen well.

“I am grateful for your mercy, Alpha... Though I’m sure there are some who believe I should have chosen death over the disgrace of defeat.”

Jimin’s jaw clenched. .

“Defeat is not a disgrace. I have learned some of my greatest lessons from it. Defeat is often a vital stop on the path to victory.”

The elder alpha grinned.

“I wouldn’t know. This is the first time I’ve lost.”

Jimin laughed and Namjoon’s impish smile suddenly became oddly serious.

“I want you to know… You have my loyalty - without question - and not simply because you spared me. It is clear that you were meant to lead.”

A subtle hint of awe crept into his tone as he continued.

“Honestly… I’ve only ever heard stories of primal alphas. I never thought I’d meet one,” he snorted, “or be foolish enough to fight him.“

Jimin drew back in confusion.

“I’m not familiar- ...I’ve never heard of a primal alpha.”

“Really?... Well ...I suppose that makes sense. I forgot how often you skipped camp.” He sighed and shifted into a more comfortable position before answering.

“A primal alpha is goddess-blessed. They cannot be compelled. Their command is powerful enough to compel members of other packs and even non-wolves. It is a rare gift.”

Jimin’s face easily betrayed his shock.

“I-...That’s-” he shook his head. “Why do you believe I have such a gift?”

“I suppose the first hint should have been your coloring. Silver wolves are never born to mundane destinies... But the real proof is in your eyes.” Namjoon leaned back against the headboard, quietly reliving the moment he discovered the depth of Jimin’s ability. “When you commanded me to yield, your eyes flashed gold. It’s the true sign of a primal alpha... of a king.”

King.

The word fell heavily between them.

A human king was a politician, a figurehead whose power became more symbolic as the ages passed.

But to the wolf nations, a king - an Alpha - was the heart of their pack. A warrior who bore the burden of leadership alongside his Luna.

The power of a wolf king was quite real.

The Alpha shifted uncomfortably

“I never thought I would be a king.”

“And I never thought I wouldn’t be.” His eyes dropped to his hands. “I’m not quite sure what I am anymore.”

“Perhaps I can help with that.”

Namjoon’s gaze met his with cautious curiosity.

“Oh?”

“You said yourself I skipped Alpha camp every year. I may have been destined to lead, but I won’t pretend that I’m completely prepared for it.”

All at once Namjoon realized why Jimin was there.

The transfer of power was a long and intricate process that should remain essentially uninterrupted until its completion.

There could only be one reason the Alpha had come to his bedside.

He was here to appoint his Praetor.

A Praetor wielded nearly as much authority as the Alpha. In terms of pack hierarchy, only the Alpha outranked him (or her). The commitment required was immense. Their role encompassed everything from ‘chief advisor’ to ‘the last line of defense.’

Praetor were expected to cut all obligations to their own clan and serve only the Alpha. They were an extension of his authority and vision. It was a lifetime appointment which could be extremely dangerous (depending on the number of territorial disputes one’s pack might be involved in).

If anything were to happen to the Alpha, a Praetor would assume the responsibility of protecting the Luna and ruling by her side (without any romantic obligations as Praetor often had their own mates) until their death.

“What about Taehyung?”

Jimin shrugged.

“What about him? I assure you, he has no interest in this at all.” A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. “Besides, he serves me well as a best friend... A Praetor must be willing to disagree with me from time to time without worrying too much about my feelings. They must be in tune with the needs of the pack. Kim Taehyung is a good man… but he isn’t the right one. Not for this.”

The elder alpha considered his next words carefully.

“What you’re asking is no small request.”

“True,” Jimin nodded, “but how about this…” he grinned mischievously, “I promise to put in a good word for you with Min Yoongi when he finds out what you’ve done to his little sister.”

“I haven’t done anything to his little sister.”

“Yet.”

Namjoon cleared his throat guiltily.

“You realize this means we’ll have to talk every single day.”

“It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for the good of the pack.”

Namjoon laughed and Jimin smiled back, more sure than ever that he was making the right choice.

After a moment the Alpha held out his hand in an age old ceremonial gesture and finally voiced the question he had come to ask.

“Kim Namjoon, will you forsake your place in the clan of your blood to serve your Alpha and your pack as Praetor. Will you protect my blood as your own and fight by my side till the paths of our lives be complete?

Namjoon’s gaze locked with his as their palms met, letting the force of his resolve color each word.

“I swear it shall be so.”

It was well past noon when you stumbled from your bedroom to find Jin spread luxuriously over your kitchen island, popping berries into his mouth like a debauched satyr.

“I feel very odd…” you yawned, “almost like I-”

“Attacked half the elders council in a fit of horny rage?”

Your jaw dropped.

“I did no such thing!” A few choice memories began to flood back and your staunch defensive tirade stuttered in shock. “Wait...Did I-”

“You did.”

“I wouldn’t call it horny rage,” you muttered, massaging your temples as you struggled to process your own actions.

“I don’t know, the whole thing looked very horny to me.”

“Everything looks horny to you.”

Jin grinned but didn’t bother denying it.

“What do you remember?”

“I remember…” you pulled a water bottle from the fridge and took a long drink before answering,”...Jimin’s victory... People kept trying to take him away and then-”

Heat streaked across the back of your neck as you recalled the press of his lips on your skin.

“Oh...”

You shivered deliciously.

Jin sighed. “Yes, you were quite the spectacle. Who knows how many throats you would have ripped out if the Alpha had not intervened.”

“Oh goddess,” you moaned, burying your face in your hands. “He probably thinks I’m a lunatic.”

Jin rolled his eyes.

“I wonder if there is a celestial punishment for smacking the Luna upside the head.”

“Punishable by death - for sure,” you pouted, “and why would you even want to do that?”

“Because you’re an idiot. The man risked his life for you in ritual combat and then carried you home in his arms all the way from the sacred circle like a fairy tale princess.”

“He... he did?”

Your cousin nodded and tossed another berry in his mouth.

“The whole scene was so disgustingly romantic. I would have swooned if I wasn’t left to haul your mother back. Honestly I think I threw out my back.”

“And - and the pack?”

“They were free to swoon since they weren’t carrying your mother and most of them did. The man has become a bit of a legend already. Namjoon is one of the strongest alphas in the mountain kingdoms and Park Jimin dispatched him like it was nothing.” He paused to dab berry juice off his absurdly full lips. “I’d be surprised if every pack for a hundred miles hasn’t heard about it by now.”

“How is Namjoon?”

“Alive. He will make a full recovery.”

You sighed in relief. Truly, you had no desire to mate with the Kim alpha, but (despite the grumbling of your bloodthirsty wolf) you never wanted him dead.

Not to mention the loss of Namjoon would have cast a heavy shade over Jimin’s leadership. He was wise to spare him.

“Where is he? I want to see him.”

“Namjoon is with the healers-”

“Kim Seokjin,” you bopped him with your now empty water bottle. “I am obviously not talking about Namjoon. Where is my mate?!”

“Calm down, cousin. You’re getting that throat-rippy gleam in your eye again and I’m far too beautiful to go out like that.”

He reached for another berry.

“I need to see him.”

You were already marching toward the door when Jin yanked you back. It was always a surprise to see how fast he could move when he wanted to.

“My dear sweet Luna, you have one murderous rampage and forget all about our tedious traditions. The elders will be drowning him in the preparations and expectations of leadership for at least another ten hours.”

None of Jin’s sensible reminders mattered the least bit to your wolf. She was already suggesting all sorts of reasons you should just march into the council chambers and take him.

Park Jimin was yours.

You’ve waited long enough.

Your hand tightened on the doorknob.

“He left something for you.”

Kim Seokjin really was a wickedly clever man. He knew exactly which cards to play and exactly when to play them.

Your heart stuttered wildly in your chest as Jin nodded toward a small box on the table.

“He sent Taehyung to drop it off not long after the elders dragged him away from your bedside.”

If you had even an ounce of dignity left, you might have been embarrassed by how quickly you scrambled over to the gift, but you were well past caring about such things when it came to him.

Your cousin shook his head as you eagerly tore into the wrapping, impatient to discover what he could have possibly-

You gasped.

There, laying nestled in an ornate wooden box with a lavish blue satin interior, was the most beautiful pair of gloves you had ever seen…

Your fingers reached out to brush the soft white leather, custom stitched with intricately embroidered vines that wound around a beautiful silver wolf.

“They’re exquisite.”

Jim’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“They’re not just exquisite, they’re one of a kind.” His fingers traced over the emblem on the box. “This is the mark of the Bangtan Leatherworkers Guild. Every one of their pieces is unique.”

Your head tilted curiously as Jin began to lift back the satin lining.

“What are you doing?”

“You can only buy their merchandise directly from the shop in Seoul. There’s no way he could have gotten these today.”

“R...Really?”

Jin nodded.

“I’m about to find out for sure. Each piece produced by the guild comes with a certification. It includes the date of manufacture and the date of sale.”

After a moment he withdrew a small card embossed with gold writing.

“Well... what does it say?” you pressed impatiently.

An odd little smile drifted across Jin’s lips as he considered the information in his hands.

“These gloves were sold to Park Jimin three years ago... a few days before your 17th birthday.”

Min Yunli slept for most of the day after Taehyung brought her home.

The Alpha ordered his second to secure her and see to her safety not long after lifting the Luna into his arms.

In the end, Tae had to compel her again.

She fought to stay near Namjoon, but he needed medical attention and there was no real reason to allow her any access to the fallen alpha.

She had no claim on him.

She was nothing to him.

Nothing at all.

When she finally opened her eyes the sun was already dipping low on the horizon and the world around her was dim.

Aching emptiness sat heavily in her chest. The Change was another six days away which meant the connection between her consciousness and her wolf was not fully solidified… but she could still feel acidic pain of rejection festering in both halves of her heart.

Tears fell silently down her cheek as she considered her actions and what the consequences might be.

Namjoon probably hated her now. She had ruined everything for him.

An angry growl rumbled up from her stomach.

Yunli snorted humorously and shrugged off her dirty clothes, throwing on an oversized t-shirt before trudging out to the refrigerator.

Of all the problems she was facing, hunger was the easiest to fix.

“Do you normally walk around without pants?”

She just barely bit back a scream.

There - sitting on her couch (and looking significantly better than he had the last time she’d seen him) - was Kim Namjoon.

“How did you get in here?!” Yunli squeaked.

Namjoon held up a key.

“Yoongi gave it to me years ago.”

Though I doubt he intended for me to use it like this.

Her fists clenched and unclenched reflexively at her side.

“Have you… come to yell at me?” she whispered.

Namjoon didn’t respond right away, he was too distracted by the shapely curve of her legs and the soft glow of her skin under the warmth of the living room lamps.

Yunli, however, took his silence as confirmation of her worst fears.

“I’m so sorry...” she trembled, her beautiful eyes glistening poetically with unshed tears. “I don’t - I don’t know what came over me - I know I cost you the fight and I-”

Namjoon felt a chuckle bubble up in chest and winced.

“Yunli...your screams, however affecting, could not undo the will of the goddess.” He shook his head, “Park Jimin was born to be the Alpha.” His fingers rubbed idly at his chest. “I’ve never come across anything like his power.”

Her eyes traced over the damage to his body with obvious remorse.

“Are you ok?” she asked finally.

He had four cracked ribs, several critical lacerations, a concussion, two sprained elbows, countless contusions, and a split lip.

“Ah, it’s nothing,” he shrugged, barely suppressing a groan.

Yunli grinned, helplessly endeared as always. She opened her mouth to ask again why he was here, but he cut her off with a surprisingly curt question.

“Has Taehyung seen you like this?”

Yunli blinked. Twice.

“T-Taehyung? Like Kim Taehyung - your cousin?”

“Second cousin,” he growled, “I was told he brought you home.”

“Well. Yes. He did… I’m really grateful to him actually. I don’t know what would have happened if he hadn’t caught me and calmed me down.”

A loud ringing was building in Namjoon’s ears.

“Do you have an understanding with him?” he snarled.

Yunli’s jaw dropped.

“An understanding? With Yoonji’s Taehyung?!” She snorted. “I don’t have a death wish.”

“What’s Yoonji got to do with this? Isn’t she in Europe?”

“Never mind that. Why would you think Tae and I-”

“Tae?!”

Yunli’s eyes narrowed.

“What’s going on in that busted up skull of yours, Kim Namjoon?”

Namjoon was off the couch and pressing her against the wall faster than she would have thought possible in his condition.

“What’s going on is that for the past year you’ve been a real problem for me, Min Yunli.”

Yunli gasped as the muscled lines of his body weighed firmly into her own. Deep curls of pleasure flared up at every contact point.

Yes. Oh goddess, yes.

The force of his desire burned hot in the air between them. She had waited years for him to see her like this - to touch her like this...

“I wasn’t supposed to feel anything when you looked at me with your heart in those pretty brown eyes,” he murmured, brushing the tips of his fingers up over her arms till he was cupping her chin.

Yunli’s wolf keened in delight as she melted helplessly into his embrace.

It felt good. It felt so so good.

“I was convinced you were a challenge - a divine temptation put in my path to test my resolve-” his jaw clenched, “or simply an endless source of torment because you wanted me so badly and I could never have you.”

The sound of ripping fabric split the air as Namjoon clawed through the neckline of her t-shirt, baring her pert little breasts to him like an obscene feast.

“I was supposed to want the Luna,” he growled, squeezing the soft mounds roughly in his palms till she was whining and writhing against him, “-not Min Yoongi’s sweet little sister.”

Her gaze was so open - so trusting. Adoration shone through every inch of her regard and it was intoxicating.

She was intoxicating.

His hand slid down to grip her thighs, lifting her body till she was forced to wrap her legs around him for balance.

“Namjoon,” she whimpered as the sensitive folds of her core ground into his growing hardness.

“You just kept pushing and pushing-” he hissed, punctuating each word with delicious thrusts till the maddening pressure in her center was nearly unbearable. “Then last night you offered me a taste and it nearly destroyed me.”

His mouth finally descended on hers again and she opened to him eagerly, wrapping her arms around his neck with wanton desperation. A tortured groan slipped past his lips as he dragged her away from the wall and onto the sofa where she first discovered him.

“Is this what you wanted, Min Yunli?” he rasped between the fervent mating of their mouths. “To make me desperate? To take me apart until I’m half-mad with wanting you?”

“Yes,” she sobbed as he sucked mark after mark into her flesh, painting her body with the evidence of his passion.

She slipped her hands greedily under his shirt, aching to feel more of his skin against her own. Needy whines and moans fell from her mouth like a siren’s call, beckoning Namjoon to lose himself in the lush warmth of her body.

“If Kim Taehyung puts his greasy hands on you again, I’ll kill him.”

Yunli mewled in primal gratification at his bold words. She had waited far too long to hear them.

“All those months I suffered because my wolf recognized what I was too ignorant to see.”

The last shreds of her shirt flew across the room and Namjoon pinned her wrists above her head like a pagan offering, allowing his free hand to explore her curves with impassioned reverence.

“You are mine, Yunli,” he swore.

And she was.

She always had been.

Following Jimin’s victory, the pack exploded into a chaotic storm of gossip and ceremonial preparations. The story of his unlikely path to power had already spread beyond the borders of the mountain kingdoms.

“-messages are coming in from the high packs of Delhi and Beijing requesting to meet with him-“

The rise of new pack leaders typically brought with it a buzz of excitement, but the Luna and her newly victorious Alpha were anything but typical.

“-he’s a silver wolf. I always knew he was meant for more than just heading up the Park clan-“

The last Alpha king (the current Luna’s great-grandfather) died peacefully in his sleep nearly thirty years ago and the elder’s council ruled in the interim while they waited for a new Alpha to rise. This was the first (and likely the only) coronation most people would see in their lifetime.

“ - my friend from Seoul is begging me to invite her. Outsiders aren’t allowed to attend unless they’re the guest of a pack member- “

Preparations to transfer power were every bit as tedious and time consuming as the rest of pack law.

“-the council just announced that he’s chosen a Praetor. I’m sure it will be Taehyung-“

Aside from sneaking out to secure his Praetor (who was not Taehyung), the new Alpha had been holed up with the council, the heads of the ten major clans, and an army of envoys from other packs for nearly twelve hours.

“ -grandfather worked with him all day. He claims that the future king has already impressed the council-”

Park Jimin’s name echoed through the mountain kingdoms. People could speak of nothing else.

But there was one member of the pack who had not yet heard the news...

Yoongi took a deep breath as he waited for the woman on the other end of the line to accept his call. He was mentally and physically exhausted, but he had promised to tell her what happened as soon as he could.

Silence lingered eerily in the first few moments after she picked up.

“I really debated answering this,” Min Yoonji whispered at last. “I don’t know if I can bear to hear you say that Park Jimin is dead.”

She sighed heavily as she ambled down the stairs of her tiny apartment in Paris.

There were too many happy memories connected with him. He was Tae’s best friend... His loss would tear her former lover apart.

And she could not be there for him when it did.

She could never be there for him...

Several thousand miles away her cousin smiled.

“Park Jimin is not dead, Ji-ah.”

Yoonji missed the last step and crashed down inelegantly on her tail bone.

“WHAT?!” Her fingers scrambled to hold the phone secure in her precarious position. “You mean to tell me that Kim Namjoon lost - to PARK JIMIN?!”

“You sure picked a wild time to move to Europe,” Yoongi chuckled.

“I didn’t really move here per se... I just relocated temporarily but indefinitely.”

“Yes, I’m well aware. Your mother is still howling about what a disgrace it was to go through the Change away from your friends and family. So thank you for that.”

Yoonji sighed.

“What’s done is done... I know you don’t understand, but I promise to explain someday.” Her eyes drifted shut as she forced the pain in her heart aside. “... I can’t believe I missed all this. You have to tell me how he did it.”

“I will later, but I need to head back to the council chambers. We had a brief recess and I figured I’d call since it’s still early over there. However… I do have one last shocking revelation for you before I go.”

Yoonji rolled her eyes at her cousin’s dramatics.

“I’m not sure anything could shock me after finding out that Park Jimin is our new Alpha.”

“Jimin just made Namjoon his Praetor.”

Apparently I was wrong.

“WHAT!? So wait - that means Jinwook is now head of the Kim Clan?”

Yoongi’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Jinwook? No, how could - ah never mind. You were already in Europe when he left.”

“Jinwook left?!”

“Yeah, he was finishing up a consultation in Bangkok when he met his mate in one of the packs up there. It's an older pack with almost no alphas so they asked him to stay. He’s lived in Thailand since August.” Yoongi yawned. “Believe it or not Kim Taehyung was just sworn in as the Kim Clan alpha.”

Dead silence met his declaration. For a moment he wondered if the call had been disconnected but then-

“...What... did you just say?”

Yoonji’s voice had taken on a strange hollow quality that had her cousin frowning into the receiver.

“I said Taehyung was just sworn in as a Clan alpha.”

“That... no that can’t be right... You’re saying Kim Taehyung - my Taehyung-”

“What do you mean your Taehyung?!”

“- is a Clan alpha?”

“Yoonji. I can’t believe I’m repeating this a third time. Yes. Tae is the new head of the Kim Clan. I watched him take the oath twenty minutes ago and I have to say-”

A heart wrenching sob cut him off abruptly.

“Oh goddess what have I done,” she gasped.

Yoongi’s eyes widened in fear and alarm.

“Ji-ah? What’s wrong?... Ji-ah?... Ji-ah?!”

But the line was dead.

Don’t Miss Chapter VII: The Luna… Coming Soon!

If you would like to be added to the taglist, please comment on this post. If you have already asked then you will be automatically tagged in all future updates.

Guys I cannot emphasize enough how much your support has meant to me these last few weeks.

Your comments and your love kept me going. I truly value it so much and it fuels my creativity. Please let me know what you thought? It is incredibly rewarding and motivating to hear from you!

I really struggled with this update. It was much longer and took a lot out of me... I hope you love the final product as much as I do…

Bonus: The gloves Jimin sent his Luna...

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floralseokjin · 3 years

Text

⤑ made-up love song viii.

Your first encounter with Kim Seokjin doesn’t go so well, nor your second, or your third… and maybe that’s because it shouldn’t work on paper. You’re an elementary school teacher, never left the country despite hitting the third decade of your life not so long ago, and you’re unable to remember the last time you dated. He’s the dad of one of your students, nearly a decade older than you and divorced. Oh yes, and just another minor detail – he’s a multimillionaire.

Your lives are lightyears apart, yet somehow, your paths having now crossed, things just seem to fall into place…

pairing; kim seokjin x reader au/genre/warnings; strangers to lovers, romance, single dad! seokjin, ceo! seokjin, elementary school teacher! oc, age gap (oc is 30, seokjin is 37), seokjin is a dilf, angst, just straight up angst and drama, arguments, both seokjin and nana are frustrated, both have reasons to feel hurt, both make mistakes words; 5,122

↪︎ chapter index

chapters; i • ii • iii • iv • v • vi • vii • viii • ix • x • epilogue (+ drabbles)

You looked at Nana, chest a little tight, something heavy in your stomach. When your eyes locked the corners of her mouth curled upwards. “The stepmom!” She sneered.

Your face fell, confused at first, as you attempted to make sense of her words, of her anger. You didn’t understand what was going on, but unable to stop yourself, irritation began creeping its way up your body, heat prickling your face. Confrontation made you uncomfortable, but under appropriate triggers, you often saw red. You opened your mouth, ready to say something – you didn’t quite know what – but then your gaze fell to Arin. Still clutching her mom’s hand. Her eyes were on you now, still wide and brimming with tears. She looked frightened. You came to your senses.

There was no good getting angry. Especially in front of a child. By your side, Seokjin straightened his back, letting go of your hand to step in front of you slightly. You appreciated the thought, but you didn’t really need protecting. You could look after yourself.

“Stop embarrassing yourself, Nana.”

Caught off guard for the second time in under five minutes, the tone of Seokjin’s voice threw you for a loop. The venom you heard unnerved you, a sick feeling twisting your gut. You’d heard him stressed, you’d heard him tense, you’d even heard him stern a few times on the phone, but you’d never heard his voice filled with such bite like this.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Nana spat back, her long hair flipping around as she raised her hand to point at him. “Not when you’ve been playing house with your daughter’s teacher, letting my daughter call her stepmom.”

Seokjin chuckled, the sound humourless. He shook his head, practically laughing in her face. “I don’t know where you’ve heard that from because it’s not true.” The look on Nana’s face told you she didn’t believe a word he said.

Seokjin bent down, attention on Arin. He held his hand out, wanting her to take it. “Arin, come here,” he asked, voice gentle, nothing like how he’d spoken to her mother. She let go of Nana’s hand and slowly made her way over. He immediately wrapped his arms around her middle. “Tell daddy where you got that word from.” She still looked afraid, hesitating as she opened her mouth. “Don’t worry, I’m not mad at you,” he reassured, stroking her hair.

“Mommy is.” Arin’s voice shook, one lone tear falling down her cheek. It broke your heart.

“Mommy isn’t mad at you.” Seokjin’s voice was a murmur, but as he looked up at his ex-wife he had to try his best to sound composed. “Right?”

Nana stared at him for a moment, her dark eyes piercing through him almost, but he didn’t flinch. Her gaze fell to the back of her daughter’s head, immediately softening, the regret obvious on her face. “No, darling, mommy isn’t mad at you. I’d never be mad at you.”

Her words comforted Arin, and she looked up at her father, small voice still trembling with emotion as she explained. “Suzie told me that’s what Y/N is because she’s your girlfriend. She has one too.”

Seokjin exhaled slowly. “So, you heard it from your friend?” Arin nodded, and he quickly embraced her, rubbing her back as he soothed her. “That’s okay. No need to be upset.” You heard her sniff into his shoulder, but Seokjin’s attention was already on Nana again.

“Happy now?” He shot, not giving her any time to reply. “Now get out of my house.”

“Excuse me?” Her nostrils flared.

“You heard me. Get the hell out of my house!”

“Seokjin,” you breathed, reaching for his shoulder. He needed to remember everything he was saying was being heard by his daughter. He might be mad right now but he needed to think of Arin.

As if Nana realised too, she took control. “Arin, go upstairs to your room and let me talk with your father.”

Seokjin’s eyes flashed in anger. “Don’t tell her what to do in my home.” Nana scoffed, but Seokjin’s attention was back on Arin. He cupped her face in his hands.

“Sweetie, why don’t you go and play upstairs for a little while, okay? Daddy will come and check on you soon.” She nodded slowly, her tears dried. At least that was a positive. He kissed her cheek and stood up, encouraging her to make her way out of the room and upstairs with a nod. As she passed by you, you gave her a small smile. She returned it. You thought someone should at least accompany her to her room, but you thought best not to suggest it. It wasn’t your place.

There was silence, a few moments as they waited for Arin to be safely out of earshot. Your heart drummed against your ribcage, still feeling nauseous. This wasn’t over just yet. Nana had no intentions of leaving.

“Hypocrite,” she scoffed under her breath.

“What did you say?” Glancing over at Seokjin, you saw his jaw was clenched, his gaze hard, unwavering as he stared at her.

“I called you a hypocrite.” She sounded unbothered, eyes finding yours. “You don’t know him at all, sadly. You’ll soon find out how miserable he is. How frustrating it is when he always has to right. Mr. Perfect, aren’t you, Jin?” She was trying to rile him up, get a reaction. “Could never do anything wrong.”

The way she called him Jin made you feel funny. It was so…personal. It had never crossed your mind to use the shortened version of his name. It had always been Seokjin for you.

“Nice try,” he gave a hollow laugh. “Say what you want, we don’t care.”

That much was true. Nana’s words wouldn’t make you doubt anything. Your relationship with Seokjin was solid. His relationship with Nana was nothing similar.

“So when were you planning on telling me?”

Just like that you felt your heart drop, turning to look at Seokjin on instinct. You must have understood wrong. Nana knew about you, right? He’d told her about you, surely?

“Did you just think you could pretend I didn’t exist?” Seokjin stayed silent, only infuriating Nana even more. “Answer me! How long has it been going on for?”

“It’s none of your business!” He exploded causing you to jump. You had never once heard him raise his voice. His face was red, his blood pressure soaring.

“None of my business?!” She cried, laughing in disbelief. His shouting did nothing to deter her. They were used to arguing, you guessed. “It is when my daughter is concerned.”

It was Seokjin’s turn to scoff. “Oh, so now you care? You’re a joke.”

Nana’s expression faltered. It took a moment for her to compose herself. “What is that supposed to mean?” Her tone was icy.

Seokjin didn’t give her an answer. “I don’t owe you anything, Nana. You’re nothing to me anymore.”

“I’m the mother of your daughter!” She was enraged, her eyes wide as she glowered. “You shouldn’t have kept this from me. I had no clue, Jin!” His indifference infuriated her even more. “Not one! Did you tell Arin to keep quiet?”

That had him biting, face scrunching up at her ludicrous claim. “Of course I didn’t.”

“Then why,” she demanded, “why was I so oblivious?!”

“Do I come up in conversation much? Maybe there’s your answer.” Seokjin shrugged. “When was the last time we were in the same room together?”

“Don’t! No, Jin, don’t use that as an excuse.” Nana’s voice wavered, words dotted with an emotion you hadn’t heard yet.

You felt a pang of guilt. You’d been so oblivious too. Hadn’t realised she had no clue of your existence. You understood her frustrations. It was difficult not to. Seokjin was adamant though. Ruled by his emotions. He couldn’t see his fault.

“You let our daughter stay with a stranger last weekend!”

But that hurt.

You weren’t a stranger. You had known Arin for months. You adored that little girl and she liked having you around. You weren’t just anyone. Desperately, you tried to keep it together. Logically yes, you were a stranger to Nana. She had a right to be mad. You knew that.

Although Seokjin didn’t see it that way, defending you angrily. “Y/N is not a stranger!”

“To me she is!” Nana shouted. “I didn’t have a clue. What if something had happened to Arin?”

You wanted to say something. To tell her you understood her reservations. Maybe you even wanted to stick up for yourself, but you couldn’t find the words. Guilt was eating you up.

“Just shut your mouth,” Seokjin hissed. His defensiveness made you nervous. “You don’t care. If you did you would have dropped everything and said yes when I called you.”

“I was working.” Nana ran a hand through her hair, face patched red. “You think I didn’t want to say yes? I thought you’d just cancel or ask your parents to help out.” Then her eyes fell on you, that familiar sneer on her face. “Instead, you asked her.”

Taken aback, you opened your mouth, words rushing out. “I’m really sorry you had to find out about our relationship this way, I… I thought–”

“I don’t want to hear it, stepmom.”

Your cheeks flushed, anger bubbling at her dismissal. She wasn’t even going to hear what you had to say? “I’ve never referred to myself as Arin’s stepmother.”

She raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow. “And what if I don’t believe you?”

Before you could defend yourself Seokjin flew in, in front of you once more. You felt fresh anger, but everything was moving so fast you didn’t know how to place it. “Don’t speak to her like that. God, you’re such a condescending bitch.”

“And you’re a smug, arrogant bastard.” She shot right back immediately.

Seokjin scoffed. “Don’t try to deflect. You’ve just heard Arin say she learned that word from a friend. Do you think I’d force my own daughter to lie?”

Nana stared at him, her breathing laboured with anger. Her eyes flicked to you and then back at Seokjin quickly, a devious smirk spreading across her face. “She’s younger, Seokjin. Having a midlife crisis?”

Seokjin exhaled slowly, his voice calm as he replied, lips twitching up in amusement. “Your goading won’t work.”

Although she still tried. “What would Arin’s school think? Knowing you’re fucking your daughter’s teacher.”

You didn’t take kindly to threats, no matter the situation. Straightening your back you spoke clearly, voice raised a little. “I’m not her teacher anymore and the school already knows.”

“There’s nothing you can do, Nana,” Seokjin sighed softly, taking your hand. It didn’t feel as comforting as it usually did. “So just let me be happy. It’s the least you can do.”

That did it. Nana saw red instantly. “Oh, quit playing the victim!” She exclaimed, laughing at his seeming absurdity. You prayed Arin couldn’t hear all the commotion. The house was large enough, the walls thick enough, but who really knew. “Am I not allowed to be mad? You’ve kept this relationship,” she mocked, eyeing your laced fingers, “a secret this entire time. You’ve been playing happy families with my daughter.” There was a beat of silence. “I’m Arin’s mother.”

“Yes, but that’s all you are.”

A noise fell from Nana’s mouth. “I know, I know, you hate me. You’ve made that abundantly clear over the years.”

“I don’t hate you, Nana.” With a sigh, Seokjin let go of your hand, rubbing his temples. “That would imply I still care. I don’t. I stopped caring a long time ago.”

Nana rolled her eyes. “This again.” You on the other hand were lost.

Seokjin’s eyes locked on hers, gaze steady, just like his words that seemed to knock you for six. “I stopped caring the moment I found you in bed with another man.”

You probably couldn’t hide the shock from your face, mind reeling, but they didn’t seem to notice. You were barely concentrating on what they were saying anymore.

“Shut up.” Nana shot, provoking him further. “You never cared, Jin. Never. I did you a favour when I fucked Jaehyun. It gave you the perfect excuse to leave because you were too much of a coward to do it otherwise.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night” Seokjin scoffed quietly, but you could tell by his face he was visibly irritated. Maybe. He felt like a stranger right now. “Believe what you want.”

“I will because it’s a fact.”

Seokjin’s chest heaved with anger, breathing heavily as he failed to keep calm. “I didn’t leave sooner because I wanted Arin to be happy!” His voice broke with emotion. “I wanted to stay together for Arin’s sake.”

“And look how bitter that made you.” Nana laughed, her eyes quickly finding yours again, remembering you existed. “Are you taking notes?” She folded her arms across her chest. “This is what will happen. He’ll promise you the world and then a few years later hate your guts.”

You looked at the floor, unable to rebuff her claims even if you wanted to. Your thoughts slipped to last night, out on the deck… The way Seokjin had held you, gazed at you, the words he’d said... I want to give you the world. It was silly to let Nana’s words sting, but they did, nevertheless. Last night felt like a lifetime ago.

You felt a strong arm embrace you, wrapping around your shoulders as Seokjin held you to him. It did little to comfort you. Your head was whirring, thoughts swarming you. “Y/N is nothing like you, so don’t.” He warned, glaring across at Nana. “Don’t you dare try to compare our relationship to the one I had with you.”

Nana laughed loudly, her face contorting as she yelled. “What am I like then, Jin? Go on! Tell me! I’m so fucking curious!”

“You’re a cold, heartless cow who can’t even be bothered to be a mother to her own daughter!” His words flew out as if they’d been impatiently waiting for the opportunity.

“Seokjin!” You exclaimed in shock, spinning your head to look at him. He was letting his emotions rule his head, so much so, he didn’t even bat an eyelid at your voice, continuing his tirade.

His arm let you go as he stepped closer to his ex-wife. “Do you know why Arin probably felt so comfortable calling Y/N her stepmom?” It was a question not meant to be answered. “It’s because she’s been there for her these past few months. Where have you been, huh? She’s so used to you cancelling plans that she always expects the worse.”

You were gobsmacked, unsure what had just left his mouth as you tried to make sense of his words. He couldn’t be comparing you both. He couldn’t be using you to hurt Nana. Right?

“That’s not fair, I haven’t cancelled in weeks.” Nana’s voice was quiet, a far cry from her earlier volume, and you took a glance, noticing that her wide eyes were shining in the sunlight that streamed through the window. She seemed smaller now, less imposing.

“Bravo,” Seokjin spat, beginning to slowly clap his hands. “What do you want, a round of applause?”

“I can’t help it I’m busy with work. That’s why we agreed she’d live with you.” Nana sounded clearly upset now, Seokjin’s words striking a nerve. You couldn’t help but feel bad for her.

“And I’m not busy?!” Seokjin wasn’t done. “Your excuses don’t work on me. They never have.”

“I love my daughter. Don’t you dare try to insinuate otherwise.”

Seokjin wasn’t listening. “You came here just to create a scene. You didn’t think about Arin at all, did you? You made her give you all the details just to twist the knife in. That’s all you care about. You can’t handle the thought of me being happy because you’re so goddamn miserable!”

“Just come out and say it, Jin!” She shouted, arms out. “You think I’m a terrible mother.”

With a casual shrug of his shoulders, he replied, “I never said that, but if the shoe fits.”

The silence that followed was deafening. You could feel your pulse pounding in your ears, a sick feeling turning your stomach. You didn’t want to be here anymore. You didn’t want to be involved in this shouting match. You didn’t want to see your boyfriend this angry, you didn’t want to hear him speak like this.

Eventually, Nana’s voice pierced through the silence. It wavered but she kept her cool, head held up high. “Well, thank you, Jin. Thank you so much for finally telling me how you feel. How very brave of you. Finally.”

You watched as she straightened her jacket and smoothed down her hair, and then she took a step forward. She was heading for the door.

“That’s it?” Seokjin scoffed, his voice hoarse. “You’re leaving without saying goodbye to your daughter?”

Nana didn’t reply, she didn’t even look at him, just carried on walking out of the room. You heard her heels against the tiles of the hallway, steps retreating.

“You really have no shame!” He called after her as you both heard the front door open, and then it clicked shut. “Fuck!”

You jumped at the sudden raise of tone, watching him kick the footrest beside the chair across the room in temper. He had his back to you, his shoulders shuddering with his heavy breathing. You swallowed, feeling your throat dry but you couldn’t say anything. This was all new to you. This side of your relationship, this side of Seokjin. Actually, this whole situation was unlike anything you’d been involved in before. You’d had your fair share of relationship drama in the past, that was a given, but this… You were in over your head. This wasn’t about you. This was a situation involving Seokjin and Nana. You didn’t know what to say or do to make it better. In all honesty, you didn’t even want to try.

“Daddy?”

The tiny voice from behind startled you both, and you whipped your head around to see Arin in the doorway. Her eyes were pulled wide, worried and confused. It made your heart hurt. A small part of you couldn’t help but feel to blame.

“Did mommy leave?” She asked, her gaze on her father, who was staring blankly ahead.

“Yes, she did,” was all he said, stunning you in the process.

“Seokjin, you can’t just say it like that!” You exclaimed, looking at him properly for the first time. Arin had walked into the room by now, hovering by your side, a hand to her mouth as she flicked her thumbnail over her teeth nervously.

Seokjin’s eyes met yours, refocusing before something flickered inside of them – realisation. He looked down at his daughter, voice softening instantly. “She had to go home, Arin. Something came up.”

You could tell by her face she didn’t quite believe him. She was a bright kid, not that you thought Seokjin was undermining her intelligence, but she knew something was wrong and you didn’t think it was fair to just gloss over the issue.

“Why don’t you watch some cartoons?” He suggested, guiding her to the sofa. “I’ll make you something to drink. What would you like?”

She gave him a small smile as he passed her the remote control. “Hot chocolate, please.”

The tiniest of smiles lifted the corners of his mouth too. “Okay, one hot chocolate coming right up.” He turned to you, a hand brushing yours for a brief second, voice low as he asked you a question. “Can you stay with her?”

Your nod was barely there, and you watched him walk out, heading for the kitchen. After a moment’s delay, you joined Arin on the sofa, attention on the television, watching the cartoon characters bounce around the screen, but you were in a world of your own. Arin’s voice’s tore you from it, her question rattling you.

“Why did she go?”

“I don’t know.” You hated yourself for lying to her but it wasn’t your place to explain. Especially not now given the circumstances. Your thoughts were captured once more. Nana had been clueless to your existence this whole time. Had you been a fool to assume otherwise?

“Did they argue?”

Your eyes fell to Arin’s, wanting to embrace her but thought better of it. You’d have to reassure her another way. With words. If you could. “It’s nothing to worry about, okay?” You smiled, the action stiff. “They’re just a bit angry at one another.”

“Because of me?”

Her question broke your heart. You shook your head hastily. “Of course not.”

She didn’t respond, turning back to the TV. She didn’t seem visibly upset, nothing like earlier, but maybe this was worse. She seemed despondent, quiet. You were reminded of when you were a kid, hearing your parents argue nonstop before their divorce. At times you used to feel at fault too.

“I’m sorry I called you my stepmom, I didn’t know it was wrong.” As she spoke she kept staring at the television, voice quiet.

“Arin, it’s okay, sweetie,” you told her, this time unable to stop yourself from wrapping an arm around her shoulders. You wanted to comfort her. She needed comforting. “You’ve done nothing wrong at all.”

You knew what children were like together. The conversation she’d had with her friend had been innocent. She’d had no clue what the weight of such a word could mean, or even do. None of this was her fault.

You held her for a while, getting consoled yourself almost as well, but time was passing and Seokjin hadn’t come back with her hot chocolate. You glanced at the clock on the wall, he’d been gone fifteen minutes. “I’m going to check on daddy,” you said, pulling away gently. “To see what he’s done with your hot chocolate.” You tried to joke around but your laugh sounded forced. Arin nodded, giving you a tiny smile as you stood up. “I’ll be back soon, okay?”

You found him in the kitchen, leaning against one of the counters as he held a glass of whiskey in his hand. Arin’s drink wasn’t even half made. Irritation flooded your senses for a moment. You got that he was upset, angry, maybe even a little dazed by the situation, but he still needed to pull himself together and be there for his daughter. Drinking at two o’clock in the afternoon was unacceptable.

However when he saw you, his expression softened into worry, concern colouring his tone as he asked, “Is she okay?”

You swallowed down your frustration, but once again your mind was beginning to whir. You had so many questions, so many answers that you needed, but now wasn’t the time. He needed to make sure Arin was settled and then you both could talk.

You walked further into the room, speaking as you went. “She’s upset. She thinks she did something wrong, that’s why you and Nana argued.”

Seokjin sounded regretful when he sighed. His eyes closed, fingers tightening around the tumbler. “Do you think she heard any of it?”

In a clipped voice you replied. “I hope not.”

Hearing your tone he opened his eyes, coming to his senses almost. “I’m sorry,” he breathed, placing his drink down on the counter. He moved towards you, a hand ghosting over your back. “Are you okay?” Despite his tone of voice being one you were familiar with, his concern did little to console you. All you could do was nod your head.

“Don’t take any notice of her, okay?” He continued, his voice slowly changing again. “This is what she does. She pushes and pushes. She can’t stand–”

“Seokjin, enough,” you begged, exhausted. You could hear him becoming more and more irate.

The hand on your back froze and then dropped to his side. “Are you sticking up for her?” He more or less accused.

“What?” You looked at him, baffled. “Of course I’m not. You just need to calm down. I know you’re angry but your daughter needs you right now.”

His features smoothed out and he stepped back, rubbing a hand over his face. “You’re right.” He sounded apologetic. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” You watched as he walked towards the fridge, getting out a carton of milk to pour inside Arin’s mug, chocolate powder waiting. He mixed it together with a spoon and placed it in the microwave, setting the timer. As it whirled around, you spoke again. “We can talk about it later.”

There was silence as he placed the milk back inside the refrigerator. He closed the door. “Are you mad at me?”

“No.”

He didn’t believe you. Turning back he folded his arms across his chest, staring at you. “She’s gotten under your skin, hasn’t she? That’s what she does.”

You heard yourself sigh. You didn’t want to do this now. Not with Arin just down the hallway. Why was he being so insistent? Your mind flew through the tonne of questions you wanted to unleash his way, but one slipped from your mouth before you could stop it. Before you could even acknowledge your own words.

“Did she really cheat on you?”

Seokjin looked taken aback, whatever he’d been expecting, it wasn’t that. Maybe you should have gotten your priorities straight, but stood in front of him right now, you felt deceived. You watched as he gave you a brief nod. Your heart dropped. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He lifted his shoulders, not meeting your eyes. “It wasn’t a big deal.”

“Not a big deal?” Your voice raised and you willed yourself to keep it down. “It seems like it was the reason you divorced her, Seokjin.”

The microwaved beeped but you both ignored it. “It was over long before then.” He chuckled humourlessly. “She was right, I was a coward.”

A part of you wanted details but you knew right now wasn’t the time or the place. Besides, you didn’t think he’d share anyway.

“Is that why you’re mad? Because I didn’t tell you?” He sounded worried, regretful, some other emotions you couldn’t think of right now.

You sighed softly. “I’m not mad, Seokjin. I’m just… I didn’t know.”

He went to step forward, to walk towards you but stopped himself. “I’m sorry, I should have told you. Especially with–”

“It’s fine,” you cut him off quickly, not wanting to hear the words you knew he was going to say out loud. You couldn’t bear it. You’d told him about Donghae in a bid to open up – because you trusted him. Why hadn’t Seokjin told you about Nana? You couldn’t help but feel betrayed. You didn’t know if you were being fair or not.

“I should go and check on Arin,” he said suddenly, moving to the microwave to open it up. “Thank you for taking care of her. It’s more than her own mother could do, and she’s the one who caused this whole mess.”

“Don’t,” you whispered, closing your eyes. He wasn’t going to do it again. “Don’t do that. Compare us.” Seokjin looked your way, confused now. “I don’t know Nana. I don’t know what your marriage was like, not really, and I don’t know what her relationship with Arin is like. You shouldn’t have said those things to her. She was obviously upset.”

You understood that people spoke out in anger, that words just flew out, no matter how small the thought was, but it wasn’t an excuse. He was still emotional, but all you wanted him to see was the bigger picture.

“I don’t care,” he brushed off. “She needed to hear a few home truths.”

You scoffed. “And you used me to really drive them in, didn’t you?” You continued regardless of his frown. “It’s not a competition. I’m your girlfriend. I’m not even Arin’s stepmother. We haven’t talked about that yet,” – Seokjin went to speak over you but you stopped him with a hand in the air – “and I know Arin made an innocent mistake, but it obviously hurt Nana. She had no clue I existed, Seokjin. Not one!”

He did look guilty at that, dropping his gaze, but you weren’t done. “You can be mad because of how she acted but you’re also at fault…”

“I know,” he murmured. “I know that and I’m sorry.”

You weren’t the only one he should be apologising to, but by now you were too exhausted to keep this up. You couldn’t stay here, not when you were sure it would end in an argument. You didn’t want to fight with him. You needed space to think. On your own.

“I should go.” You told him, noticing his face wrinkle up in confusion.

He was in front of you immediately, clutching your hand. “Y/N, wait,” his voice was unsteady, “You don’t have to go. I’m really sorry that I made you uncomfortable.”

You appreciated his sincerity, and had no doubts that he meant his apology, but it still wasn’t enough to get you to stay. An I’m sorry wasn’t what you needed. It wasn’t as simple as that.

“Honey, please,” he begged softly. “This is me with all my baggage. I’m not perfect.”

Your brow furrowed. “I never thought you were, Seokjin.” This wasn’t about your so called flawless vision of him. He was human, just like you. Yes, seeing him mad like that had shaken you up at first but it wasn’t why you were leaving. Nor were you leaving because of the situation. Everyone had a history, or “baggage” as Seokjin chose to call it. It didn’t change how you felt about him. It was all just very overwhelming.

You put your other hand over his, silently telling him to let you go. Above all else he needed to spend time with his daughter. “Go and check on Arin. She’s waiting for her hot chocolate.” You told him softly.

He clasped your hand tighter. “Please don’t go.”

“I just need some space to think.” You admitted.

He watched you for a moment, eyes glassy – you expected yours were too – but ever the gentleman he respected your wishes and didn’t press you any further, no matter how much he wanted to plead with you to stay. Deep down he probably knew it was the right thing to do. If you stayed now no good would come from it. You could speak about everything when you were both ready. Whenever that was.

With a tight nod he slipped his hand from yours. You gave him a soft smile and turned your back to him. He had no choice but to watch you leave.

Written 2020 - 2021. Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2021

#seokjin fanfic #bts fanfic #jin fanfic #fic:mls #floralseokjin:writings

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atlabeth · 3 years

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everything happens for a reason part 5 - zuko x fem!reader

I can go anywhere I want, I can go anywhere just not home

part 4 | masterlist | part 6

a/n: this was hard to get going but once i got to the end the words just flowed. ive come to the conclusion that writing dialogue with katara is my favorite thing to do

warning(s): nightmare at the beginning, survivor's guilt from y/n, some internalized homophobia :-( but aside from that its mostly fluff

wc: 3.6k

chapter title comes from my tears ricochet by taylor swift!

She was trapped.

It was a prison of never ending hallways in some kind of infinite void, complete with the rank stench of death and an innate feeling of hopelessness.

Y/N knew this place. It had been the subject of her nightmares on countless occasions, because it was where she was supposed to be. She had no choice but to start down the pathway of cracked stone — she knew what awaited her, but it was the only way out. She had developed some sick sense of awareness in this nightmare and it didn’t do her any favors.

She began to walk hastily down the path, the itch of paranoia already plaguing the back of her mind. Countless times she had been here, and yet it never got better.

Before Y/N knew it, she had reached her unwanted destination. The first tangible thing in what felt like miles was a prison cell, and she pushed forward despite knowing what awaited her. It was the only way.

“It wasn’t the only way.”

She froze, inhaling sharply as the dreamscape seemed to pull her thoughts out of her mind, and she forced herself to take another step closer, the inhabitant of the cell now visible.

“You did this to me.”

It was her mother, but… not quite her. Her voice strained and stiff, a gaunt appearance with cruel eyes, hunched over in a prison cell. Any sign of the woman Y/N knew her as was gone, and it was her fault. She was the reason Kura was gone — a mother’s ultimate sacrifice because her daughter was too stuck in her head.

“How could you do this to me?” she asked. “How could you be so selfish?”

Y/N tried to respond, but she couldn’t. It was no use anyway — her words would’ve come out in broken, pleading rambles to someone who couldn’t hear a thing. She knew it was fake, she knew this was a nightmare, but it still hurt all the same.

She had imagined her mother saying those words to her so many times they had found their way into her nightmares despite knowing that Kura would never utter a single syllable true to her fears. She had all but killed her mother, and instead of remembering her for what she had done for Y/N, she appeared in her nightmares.

She was a horrible daughter.

She heard footsteps and whirled around, instinctively taking a step back and wincing as her back slammed into the bars. A tall, dark figure creeped towards her and her breath caught in her throat — as it came into the light, she recognized him as the Fire Lord.

He chuckled coldly as he neared ever closer, the path he walked turning to flames behind him. Her eyes darted around for an escape only to find that everything was on fire. It was suffocating, she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t think, and when she turned to look for her mother she was gone. Everything was gone, her dark void now a prison of flames.

She turned around once more and Ozai was right in front of her, the fire in his hands glowing red hot and a cruel smile on his lips.

“Did you really think you could get away that easily?”

She shot up in her bed, a scream on the edge of her lips but just barely managing to hold it back. Ragged breaths were ripped from her chest, her eyes shooting around wildly as she attempted to find anything at all to ground her. It took a few minutes, but with repeated mantras of it was just a dream and you are safe, she was able to calm down.

She pulled her knees to her chest and exhaled long and deep before pulling herself out of bed. It seemed that her day was going to be starting much earlier than planned.

Four years had passed since her arrival at the Northern Water Tribe, but the nightmares never ceased. It didn’t matter how many times she told herself she had done the right thing, that it was what her mother wanted, that if she stayed she would’ve died — she was constantly haunted by her past actions and memories of the Fire Nation.

She hasn’t taken off the necklace since her mother gave it to her, no matter what she does. It’s almost become a part of her now — a memory of Kura and her selflessness that knew no bounds, as well as a grim reminder of what it cost to get her here.

The Northern Water Tribe itself held countless memories of her mother — after all, it was where she had spent the first eighteen years of her life. Her name was well known throughout the tribe with nobles and elders alike, and it amazed Y/N to no end the impact that her mother left everywhere she went. She loved hearing stories about her mother and what she was like as a child, but it was always bittersweet.

She always carried an inherent sense of guilt with her because of who she lived with — her mother hadn’t been lying when she said that the necklace would get them to help her. Kura’s parents still lived in the tribe, and they had taken Y/N in after she revealed who she was. They loved her unconditionally and never made her feel like a burden, but Y/N would be lying to herself if she didn’t think they blamed her for the fate that befell her mother.

After all, she did.

She had never told anyone the full story of why she ran though. It was one thing to leave her mother behind for certain death because of the Fire Lord’s rage, it was another thing to admit that it was wholly her fault because she had fallen for a prince.

Zuko.

Not a day went by where she didn’t think of him. She still held the hope that she would see him again someday, but in lieu of travel she turned to letters.

Y/N had a shelf full of unmailed letters addressed to both Zuko and her mother — it was a way to get out her emotions whenever she was feeling particularly homesick or hopeless, and it did help at first, but after four years it had become something born out of habit rather than necessity.

She still wrote them though — Y/N had learned to hold onto any form of hope she could muster up, no matter how small, and in this moment she needed some.

She opened her shelf and rifled through piles upon piles of letters, some finished, some hardly started, and some crumpled from fits of rage, and her breath caught in her throat when her fingers brushed something different. Y/N pulled the material out and nearly started crying right then and there.

It was an unbelievably simple patch of fabric, but it meant the world to her — something that she had bought during her last night with Zuko, and one of the only pieces of material to have survived her journey to the Northern Water Tribe. She was forced to sell the rest of the fabric she had brought with her in order to make some easy money while on the run, but she had kept this as a memento. She could almost be brought back to the final sunset they shared if she looked at it for long enough.

Y/N bit down hard on her lip to stop the tears and shoved it back into the drawer before closing it and leaving her room in a haste. Sometimes she wasn’t strong enough to handle the memories.

She made her way to the living room and let out a sigh of relief when she noticed the silence. Y/N had never told her grandparents about the nightmares, and right now she just needed some time to herself. Never before was she so thankful for her grandmother’s gossiping nature and her grandfather’s work than she was in the mornings where she just wanted to be alone.

She sat down on the floor, not even bothering to get a cushion, and stared at her hands. Once smooth and untouched by the world, they were now rough and calloused with wrapped bandages resting just below her wrist. Permanent memories of what it took to get here. The ever present reminder that nothing came without a cost.

This morning seemed to be one full of yearning for the past. Y/N tried to shake her feelings off and got up once more, contemplating some steamed sea prunes before deeming it fruitless. Her appetite was lacking after her trip down memory lane.

She walked back to her room and got dressed hastily then ran out the door, but not before plucking a gift from her shelf. Today marked the birthday of a certain princess, and Y/N had to go fast if she was going to get it to her before class.

She was immediately hit by the frigid air of the North, pulling her anorak tighter around her frame as she began to run to the canals — one could always find Princess Yue there in the mornings — doing her best to avoid anyone else walking.

Y/N saw Yue just about to board one of the boats and sped up, waving one of her arms as a signal. “Yue, wait!”

She turned and her face immediately brightened up at the sight of Y/N, raising her open palm so the boatman would hold up. “Y/N! Would you like to join me?”

She raised her eyebrows. “Really?”

Yue’s nod prompted a shrug as she dropped down carefully into the gondola, taking extra care not to drop her gift, and took a seat next to her friend.

“This is a nice surprise,” Yue smiled as the boatman began to waterbend, effectively moving their gondola through the canal. “But if I might ask, what brought you here so early?”

Y/N laughed, thinking her reason for coming here obvious. “It’s your birthday, princess! What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t come to wish you well in person?”

Her smile grew even brighter, the corners of her eyes creasing up in the way that made some kind of warmth blossom in Y/N’s chest. “Thank you! That’s so sweet — I’m especially honored that you woke up early just for me.”

“Of course.” Y/N brandished the gift she had been doing her best to hide, unable to do the same for her own smile. “And here’s your gift! I sewed it all myself.”

Yue gasped as she took the creation, giving it a slight squeeze and a thorough investigation before absolutely beaming. “You made me an otter penguin— oh, you know how much I love these!”

She wrapped Y/N in a tight hug before pulling away, but it was just long enough for the heat to rush to her cheeks. “Thank you so much, really. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

Y/N beamed at the praise and nodded, shifting a little in her seat. “Oh, it’s nothing. I’m glad you like it so much.”

The two girls grinned at each other then turned their gaze to the horizon, content to spend the rest of the ride together in comfortable silence.

Her friendship with the princess of the Northern Water Tribe was something that Y/N cherished with all her heart. She could confidently say that Princess Yue was her best friend, and she hoped it was a notion that Yue shared. As beautiful as she was kind, the princess always had a way of making her feel better on the hardest days — Yue was the only one who knew the whole truth of what happened in the Fire Nation, and she offered nothing but sympathy.

Y/N honestly didn’t know what she would do without Yue. She had been her rock during the whole process of getting situated in the tribe, always lending a helping hand when she stumbled in class or was completely oblivious to something in their culture, and she never made her feel stupid, or unwanted, or less-than for what she had come from.

The only thing that confused her about Yue was the feeling she got whenever Y/N was around her. The rushes of heat to her cheeks, the warmth blossoming in her chest, and the unusual happiness she felt anytime Yue smiled at her. The most peculiar of it all was the strange tug of jealousy any time a noble boy tried to flirt with the princess, and nothing but disinterest whenever they tried an angle on her instead.

She didn’t know what any of it meant, but she had the sneaking suspicion that it was wrong. So Y/N did the only thing she could and suppressed it.

Soon enough, though much to their chagrin, Y/N had to leave. After some exchanged hugs and one last wish of happy birthday, Y/N took off for her morning healing class. But as she hurried down the icy paths, she caught sight of the most peculiar thing.

A giant flying bison was being led through the canals with a team of waterbenders, three kids that couldn’t be any older than her on its back. One had an arrow on his head and sported orange and yellow robes, while the other two looked to be of Water Tribe descent.

Her interest was irrefutably piqued, but she didn’t have any more time to waste with gawking. So she began to run once again, apologies spilling from her lips as she maneuvered through the groups of people all just as awestruck by the strange arrival as she was. Y/N made a mental note to ask Yue about it later, but for now she was running very late to her healing class.

Sure enough, a few hours later, Y/N was able to get the answers she had been craving. She met up with Yue outside of the palace, and during a short walk, she learned that the boy was the Avatar. He had come to the Northern Water Tribe to master waterbending, and the two kids with him were his companions from the Southern Tribe — much to her excitement, the girl was a waterbender.

Needless to say, Y/N was even more enthusiastic than before, and Yue made her day by confirming that they would be coming to her birthday celebration that night as honored guests. She had already talked to her father about allowing Y/N to sit with her and he had said yes, which meant that she would get to meet him and his friends in person — it just served as a reminder that Y/N had no idea what she would do without Yue.

After what felt like hours of passing the time with lost games of Pai Sho against her grandfather and failed attempts at finishing her homework, it was finally time for the banquet. Once she arrived at the front of the palace she bid goodbye to her grandparents and went to find the seat that Yue had secured for her.

She settled down in the empty spot next to what she assumed was Yue’s — it was her birthday after all, so a dramatic entrance wasn’t out of the question — and nervously glanced at the three visitors, trying to figure out how to introduce herself.

Thankfully, she was saved when the girl met her eyes and waved, offering a friendly smile. “Hi! I’m Katara; this is my brother Sokka, and that’s Aang.” She gestured in their direction with her head when she said their names and they both smiled and gave her polite nods.

She returned the sentiment gratefully. “I’m Y/N— I’m one of Princess Yue’s friends. Welcome to the Northern Water Tribe!”

“Thanks!” Aang said. “We’re here to find a master so Katara and I can master waterbending.”

“Well, you’re in luck. Master Pakku is one of the best there is, and even though he’s a total jerk, he’ll be able to teach you everything you need to know. And Katara, we have some amazing healing teachers— I can bring you along to my class tomorrow if you’re interested!”

Katara’s eyes lit up. “You’re a waterbender too?” When Y/N nodded, her smile grew even bigger, though slightly wistful.

“I’d really appreciate that,” she admitted, though her brows knit together. “But I’d like to learn from Master Pakku as well.”

Y/N frowned, about to correct her, when the distinct sound of drums began to echo throughout the hall. Her displeasure immediately disappeared as she grinned at them all excitedly, gesturing with her head towards the action.

Chief Arnook stood up from his spot and their table, his low voice booming. “Tonight, we celebrate the arrival of our brother and sister from the Southern Tribe. And they have brought with them someone very special, someone whom many of us believed disappeared from the world until now… the Avatar!”

Y/N’s own applause joined a symphony of others clapping and cheering as Aang waved bashfully, and once it died down, Arnook continued. “We also celebrate my daughter’s sixteenth birthday. Princess Yue is now of marrying age!”

She grinned as Yue walked out alongside her attendants — she would never get used to her beauty. Y/N noticed the way that Sokka’s eyes widened as he stared at her, and her stomach twisted at the act for some unknown reason.

“Thank you, Father,” she said. “May the great Ocean and Moon Spirits watch over us during these troubled times!”

Arnook smiled at his daughter and directed his attention back to his people. “Now, Master Pakku and his students will perform!”

She could tell that Katara and Aang were enraptured by the bending, while Sokka’s attention was already on Yue as she walked over to sit between Sokka and Y/N.

“I’m so glad you could make it!” Yue exclaimed, greeting her friend with a short embrace.

Y/N gave her a sideways smile. “If you think that I would miss your birthday and a banquet, then I’m afraid you’re out of practice on Y/N trivia.”

The princess laughed and nodded amiably then turned her attention to Sokka, ever the diplomat.

“Hi there,” he grinned. “Sokka, Southern Water Tribe.”

Yue returned the sentiment and gave him a slight bow. “Very nice to meet you.”

As their conversation went on, Y/N found herself tuning out a bit. For whatever reason, she had to actively stop herself from rolling her eyes at Sokka’s flirting, that same feeling in her stomach coming back. She made a mental note to see a healer about her issues.

“Hey, Y/N!” She snapped out of her self-imposed trance at the sound of Katara calling her name as she gestured for her to come over. It looked like Aang had gotten up to converse with Master Pakku and Chief Arnook, so she took the invitation and switched seats.

“I can’t tell you how nice it is to finally be here,” Katara said once Y/N had settled next to her. “Back home, I’m the only waterbender. Here… it’s like paradise. It almost feels too good to be true. I mean, even seeing you is crazy — I’ve never met a waterbender my age.”

Y/N smiled, though not without a hint of sadness. “I’m sorry that it’s taken so long for you to be able to experience this. How are you the only bender left down there?”

Katara was silent for a moment, a flurry of emotions warring on her face, before she answered. “The Southern Tribe hasn’t fared half as well as the Northern Tribe during the war. We don’t have one big, huge capital like this, we’re all split up into small villages. The Fire Nation has just been relentless with their raids, and without support from the North and a lack of communication between our sister tribes in the South, they were able to wipe us all out. Except for me.”

“Spirits, Katara…” Y/N set an amiable hand on her shoulder and squeezed, hoping that her softened expression could say what her words couldn’t. “My village was invaded when I was young, too. I’m so sorry that you had to go through that.”

She nodded pensively but managed to meet her eyes with an appreciative smile. “Thank you. I’m sorry about your village as well.” Her gaze drifted off, once again taking in the view around them, and when Katara met her eyes again she seemed better. “But we’re here now, and I’m planning to take advantage of everything I can, starting with all this food. Which one of these is your favorite?”

Y/N grinned as Katara pointed at the platter of various dishes in front of them. “Oh, you’ve got to try this. See that giant crab up there? That’s what this is, and you have not lived until you have tried Northern crab.”

Conversation flowed just as easily through the rest of the night between the two girls, occasionally switching to include Sokka and Yue and eventually Aang once he returned. Between the swells of pride whenever they laughed at her jokes, getting to learn about all three of them, and the almost palpable euphoria in the air, Y/N was sure of one thing:

This was the happiest she had felt in a long time. She could only hope it would last.

perm tag list: @dv0412 @siriuslyslyslytherin @maruchan77

ehfar: @chandies-sideblog @persica27 @anzanity @randomthingssss @escapingthoughtsandsecrets @shanksfav @shephard17895

atla: @marianne1806

#zuko x reader #zuko x you #zuko x y/n #zuko fic #zuko x reader fic #zuko #avatar #atla #avatar the last airbender #atla fic #avatar fic #reader insert #avatar x reader #sadie writes #ehfar #y/n is having bi panic when she doesn't even know wtf the fuck bi is #she can't help it that her friend is the prettiest girl in the world

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write-orflight · 3 years

Text

Settle Down: Chapter 11

**Gif Not Mine**

Prev - Next

Pairings: SpencerXReader (kinda enemies to lovers)

Rating: M

Words: 1.9K

Warnings: Child birth, language, tooth aching fluff

Request: OPEN/CLOSED

Summary: Y/N and Spencer don’t get along but turn to each other for the one thing you need someone else for… A baby. You can plantonically start a family, right?

AN: Two updates in a row! (Unedited) Now the taglist is officially closed now that we only have the Epilogue left. Thank you to everyone who took this journey with me, let me know what you think! much love, Cia

Chapter 11: A PowerPoint, really?

Morgan called outside the door for more nurses as soon as he heard what you said. Soon 3 women are rushing into the room, one of them clad with a wheelchair. You look at Morgan as they begin to load you in the chair.

“Derek, call Garcia and tell her to come with my emergency birth bag, then call Dr. Lizzie and tell her the baby is coming-AHHHHH!” You screamed as you were being wheeled out. Contractions, as they turn out, are the worst feeling ever.

Garcia is barging into your hospital room not long after that baby bag in tow. You kept an extra one at her place just in case you went into labor when the team was out on a case. “I drove just about 90 mph to get here. How are you feeling, mama bear?”

“Like Satan himself is putting me on a spit roast.” You grunt through clenched teeth.

“Think of the bright side you’re about to give birth to the cutest, most intelligent baby.” Garcia says. “Plus Dr. Liz told me I need to keep you calm so let’s do your breathing exercises.” Garcia starts huffing in syncopated time in order to get you to follow. You scream in her face. “Ok, so maybe not.”

“Who’s ready to have a baby?” Dr. Liz says, in a joyous tone as she sweeps into the room. “Let’s take a look at you.”

“Thank god! Lizzie, I need epidural. Shoot me up, Doc.” You groan from the pain.

“So someone is a little more eager to meet the world than we thought. It’s too late to safely administer epidural. You’re going to have to go natural, kid.”

You look at her wide eyed. “WHAT?!” You shake your head. “I-I can’t.”

“You can, Y/N.” Penelope says. “You can squeeze me as hard as you can.”

Tears start to fall from your eyes from the combination of pain and loneliness you felt. “I can’t do this, I need-I need Spencer.”

You hear the door opening. Spencer walked in pushing an IV still attached to his arm, other one draped around Derek’s shoulder as he helped him walk in. Once Spencer was next to you and leaned against the wall, Derek and Penelope stepped back to give you and Spencer privacy in your moment.

“Alright, you’re crowning. It’s time to push so next time you have a contraction, I need you to push as hard as you can.” Dr. Liz says, you nod. Spencer is pushing some of your sweat matted hair out of your forehead.

“What are you doing? You’re supposed to be in bed.”

“I told you I’d be here for you, for this.” He says, grabbing your hand letting you squeeze around his palm. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Spencer, I--AHHHHH!” You say, pushing. Your hand tightly squeezes around Spencer’s who despite how rough you must look right now is looking at you with the utmost awe and admiration. Dr. Liz gives you some words of encouragement as you breathe waiting for the next contraction.

“You don’t have to say it, I know, Y/N. I know.” He says, hand running through your hair.

“No, I need to say it. Spencer, I’m so in love with you. I love you so much, I’m sorry I kept hurting you but I need you. I love you--AHHHH!! I take it back, I hate you! I fucking hate you for doing this to me!”

Spencer kisses the hand you’re squeezing. “I love you too, Y/N/N. And I know you don’t mean that. It’s actually fairly common for all mammals giving birth to feel disdain towards their partne--”

“SHUT UP!” You yell as you push. “I usually love your facts but right now, shut the fuck up!”

“You’re doing great, mom. Just one more.” You hear Dr. Liz shout over your screams.

They don’t tell you this in any book, Doctor’s appointment, or mommy and me class but for a moment even though it is a fleeting moment. There is a stillness in the air where everything is silent and you are only snapped out of it at the sound of your baby’s first cry. Everything else from the cheers to Spencer cutting the cord is drowned by the sound of your baby loudly entering the word.

Your baby.

They place her on your bare chest and your arms instinctively wrap around your most precious being. You coo as the baby continues to cry the fluid out of her lungs. She’s covered in blood and goop but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. Suddenly the thing you’ve wanted for so long was finally here and she was everything and more than what you thought, the perfect manifestation of you and Spencer’s love for each other.

Genevieve Rosalind Reid was born early November 10th. Given the name Genevieve after the song, Lady Genevieve, you and Spencer loved so much and Rosalind after famous female scientist Rosalind Franklin.

Not more than a couple of hours after the rest of the team is slinking into the room to get a peak at the baby, bearing gifts and congratulations to you both. Spencer managed to negotiate with the doctor to at least have a bed moved into your room so if they were going to make him lay and rest at least he could be near you and the baby. Soon, one by one the team starts leaving the last being Penelope who Derek had to haul away with him. You turn to Spencer once they’re gone.

“I love you, Spencer. I’m sorry I didn’t say it. I was scared.”

“I know, Y/N. I love you, why were you scared?”

“I didn’t want to lose you with my selfishness. Genevieve needs you more than I do, I didn’t want to sacrifice her having both parents because I couldn’t control myself.”

He reaches across the aisle between your beds for your hand which you stretch to him as well. “I’m not going anywhere.” He says looking you in your eyes. “I would never abandon either of you. I love you, but no matter what happens between us, we’ll make it work. For Genevieve.”

“For Genevieve.” You repeat back.

------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s been about 9 months since you had Genevieve and you and Spencer we’re still going strong. Though the first couple of months were difficult with Spencer being injured and having an actual newborn to care for. You were still better than before, Spencer made things better. Genevieve was perfect and looking more and more like Spencer with each passing day. In fact, it seemed the only trait she did take from you was a wild stubbornness and love for Disney movies.

You were out walking Genevieve in her stroller when you got a call.

“Hey Spence. What’s up?”

“Hey, where are you?” You hear over the line.

“I’m walking with Gen in the park.” You say.

“Do you want to meet at the coffee shop on the corner?”

You shrug even though he can’t see it. “Sure, get me a cold brew.”

You push the stroller into the coffee shop ten minutes later and walk over to the corner table you and Spencer have deemed yours. Your daughter is already fussy and making grabby hands for Spencer, who smiles and scoops her out the stoller.

“Hey, Bug.” He says, sweetly as your daughter smiles brightly at him.

“God, she’s such a traitor. Instantly forgets I exist as soon as she sees you.” You say, as he hands her back so you can put in the high chair for lunch. You’re opening her banana and pears baby food when you notice it. “Why do you have my laptop?” You ask.

“Well, open it.”

You give Spencer a weird look before handing him the food to feed Genevieve so you can open the laptop. Your heart stops for a second as you read what’s on the screen.

“A PowerPoint, really?” You chuckle. “Spencer, what is this?”

“This is Reasons Why You Should Marry Me.” He says, looking up to look you in the eyes.

“Yea, I got that from the title, Spence.” You chuckle, wetly. “And you thought a PowerPoint was the best way to ask?”

“Well, I felt you’d be more inclined to consider it if you knew I spent time on a presentation.”

“That’s true.” You say, chuckling at the memory of your first friendly encounter. You take the food back from him. “Well, show me what you got.”

“Okay, Reason #1, You love me.” You laugh, nodding as he goes to the next slide. “And I love you. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“Spencer…” You said, swooning slightly.

“#2, I’d be a great husband.”

“That’s a debatable fact.” You say, chuckling.

“Have I given you any indication that I wouldn’t be?”

You smile and shake your head no.

“#3, I have a ring, a very pretty one that Garcia helped me pick out and it’s yours if you say yes.” Spencer says, that makes you laugh loudly because of course she did, no wonder she’d been acting weird at work for the past couple of weeks. “In all seriousness… Y/N, I love you and I feel like I’ve loved since you brought me to this coffee shop more than a year ago and asked me to make the best decision of my life. You are my best friend, the mother of my child… I can’t think of anyone else I’d want to share my life with. So..” Spencer takes that moment to stand to kneel down on one knee. “Will you marry me, Please.”

The tears that had been threatening to fall since he started were coming in full swing now. You nodded fast. “Yes! 1000% yes!” You exclaim. Spencer takes that moment to slide the ring on to your finger as you hear the faint applause from the bored baristas in the empty coffee shop who have gotten to know you both over the years. Spencer sweeps you into a deep kiss, that you can barely stop smiling for. You pull apart when you hear Genevieve start to babble in her highchair, reaching for the two of you.

“Oh, come here, Bug.” You say, going to pick her up, kissing the top of her head. “Can’t stand not being the center of attention, huh?”

“Well, she is her mother’s daughter.” Spencer chuckles when you level a bored expression at him. “Come on, let’s get out of here.” He says, starting to pack Genevieve’s stuff back into her stroller. “What movie are we watching tonight?” He asks.

You think for a second. “How’s Wall-E sound?”

Spencer smiles when he hears you say the first movie you watched together. That was the night he knew for sure that he was going to marry you someday. You didn’t know it yet, but Spencer did, and he was rarely wrong.

“Sounds wonderful, baby.” He smiles, as the three of you walk out of the coffee shop, a newly cemented family.

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samanthadalton · 3 years

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Star Crossed Lovers (part 14)

Do my eyes deceive me???? part 14???? we did it. im so sorry its taken forever, i will try my best to be more consistent with my writing. love yall for being patient with me it means the most. thank you, thank you.

warnings: throughout this fic there will be mentions of substance abuse, homophobia, sexual abuse, violence, NSFW, mentions of abandonment, depression and death including suicide

reader discretion is advised

warnings: angst, swearing (lots of it)

taglist: @drmmyrs @cloud9in @somewillwin @save-me-the-last-dance @baexpoppy @stanzoeywade @ognenniyvolk @thepotatobleh @crazzyplays @fall3ngods @helpconfusedpersonhere @clowneryme @dopeyouth @boys-girls-i-cant-help-it-baby @vonda-b-real @uselesslesbianfr @veenast @cloakanddaggerthings @somethindarker (sorry again if ive missed anyone, if you wanna be added on this taglist or my general one just let me know 😊)

word count: 4k (i feel like its short considering how long it took me to write but i still hope you guys enjoy) (also i didnt check for grammatical errors properly so sorry if you find any)

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7 part 8 part 9 part 10 part 11 part 12 part 13

The first steps to moving on

“Bea please,” Poppy whispers, a repentant look creeping up to her face as she looks away from her girlfriend. “It can’t wait.”

Bea sighs, her shoulders slumping as the last remains of her anger disseminates from her body. “Okay fine, lead the way babe.”

Poppy stiffens that the pet name but she doesn’t let her awkwardness slip as she leads Bea to a secluded classroom, far away from prying eyes. Both her and Bea turn to look at each other, and both simultaneously open their mouths to talk.

“I know you wanted to tell-”

“We need to talk-”

Both clamp their lips shut, a mutual smile playing on their lips as they look at one another.

“You go first,” Poppy gestures towards Bea, as she moves to sit on the edge of a desk.

Bea inhales softly, her tongue darts out licking her lips as she looks down at the ground, her face calculating. “Why does Chloe hate me?” She looks up to Poppy, her eyes boring into the strawberry blonde’s, sadness swimming inside of them, “I just don’t get what I’ve done for her to hate me.”

Poppy sighs heavily, her eyes awkwardly darting away from Bea’s. “It’s complicated Bea.”

“Complicated?” Bea lets out a humourless laugh, “I almost just went off on Chloe after she gave her condolences for my mom dying because I just felt she wasn’t genuine and you wanna tell me it's complicated?”

Poppy sharply inhales, contemplating for a few moments before saying, “it’s because of your mom.”

Bea scrunches her brows up in confusion, “my mom? What the hell does she have to do with this?”

Poppy ineptly plays with her hands, not being able to look Bea in her eyes, “at first it was just a classist thing. When you first came to Belvoire, she just wanted to make herself feel superior over you, but in the last year you’ve noticed her getting more mean right?”

“Right.” Bea stares at Poppy, her expression emotionless.

“Chloe’s parents have been fighting non stop recently, and it’s been affecting her a lot.”

Bea’s brows furrow in confusion, “what does that have to do with me or my mom?”

“Just let me explain first before you react, please.” Bea’s eyes bore into Poppy’s for a few seconds before she nods understandingly. “Her dad cheated on her mom. A lot of times actually. But he was blackmailed by one of the women he slept with.” Poppy pauses for a few seconds, “your mom.”

Bea lets out a shaky breath, her eyes blinking in disbelief, “no, you’re lying.”

Poppy nervously bites her bottom lip, “look Bea-”

“How long have you known?”

Poppy’s face scrunches up in anger, “this isn’t my fault Bea. I only found out that day I went to talk to Chloe about us. Chloe made me promise not to say anything to you-”

“Poppy! My mom OD and I don’t even know why. And now you’re telling me she was blackmailing the St James family and it doesn’t occur to you that might have had something to do with her death?”

“They’re not the fucking mafia Bea, jesus. They were trying to settle it quietly by giving your mom some money and make her sign some stuff so she couldn't threaten them anymore.”

The devastating ramification of Poppy’s admission hangs in the air as the two girls let the words settle into them. “Chloe really is sorry about your mom Bea, we all are.”

Bea sighs, staring off into space, as a few tears begin to fill up in her eyes. “I just don’t know what to do.” Bea begins sniffling, but Poppy makes no movement to console her girlfriend. Bea notices and her expression sobers, “so, uh what did you wanna tell me?” Bea sniffs a few more times, before looking up at Poppy, giving her a small encouraging smile.

Poppy looks away, guilt creeping up on her face, as she tries her damndest not to catch Bea’s small smile on her face. “Bea…”. Bea carefully assesses her girlfriend’s demeanour, noticing the similar body language during when they first asked to take a break, she thinks back to the last couple of days, she had barely heard from her girlfriend, and now she’s not affectionate, even after she almost had a mental breakdown in the middle of the hallway and her smile drops. “We have to break up,” Poppy says, her tone so monotone and dry as if she didn’t mean the words she was saying at all.

“I don’t understand,” is all Bea can muster, evidently hurt by Poppy’s admission. Poppy winces slightly at Bea’s tone, finally breaking her robotic demeanour as she lets out a few sniffles. “So is that it? We have to break up,” Bea retorts mockingly, “is that all I get after all these years?”

“Bea..” Poppy reaches out but Bea immediately takes a step back, tears flooding in her eyes.

“No,” she holds her hands up, “I don’t get it, things are going good, or at least whatever twisted definition of good we’ve made up. Where the hell did this come from?”

“Bea my dad-”

“Of course! Hayden Min fucking Sinclair had something to do with this. Why do you still live under his shadow? You talk all this shit about breaking out of your father’s prison and wanting to achieve your own goals but he sucks you back in.”

“That’s not fair Bea,” Poppy interjects, balling her hands up into fists in an attempt to subdue her trembling, “my dad has given me so much and he’s threatening to take it all away.”

“Yeah, all you have to do is get rid of me. Me or the Min Sinclair name.”

“Bea this is the life I have, okay I’m not like you, I’m not built like you.”

“So what? I can grow up without a dad and now without a mom but it’s okay because I’m used to pain and disappointment?”

“I didn’t mean it like that, you have a plan, things you can achieve, I need the Min Sinclair name, I’m nothing without it.”

“Wow.” Bea shakes her head, “So I just meant nothing?” Bea wildy throws her arms in the air, anger bubbling under the surface of her demeanour. “We’ve practically been together since we were kids. And you’re just gonna fucking throw that away? And for what? Fuck you Poppy.”

Poppy takes half a step back, dumbfounded by Bea’s outburst. She scrunches her brows, evidently hurt, “you don’t get it Bea. Even though your mom wasn’t the best, she still supported you, even if you didn’t know about it. My dad he- my mom what would she think?”

“Your mom? Poppy what kind of shit is your dad brainwashing you with? Your mom is dead! You have no idea how she would react to having a gay daughter, but I know she’s probably disappointed in you.”

“Fuck you Bea.”Poppy runs out of the classroom, tears streaming down her face, leaving Bea on her own.

“Shit,” Bea whispers to herself before throwing a bunch of punches at the wall, each more cathartic than the last until she can’t physically hold herself up anymore. Bea defeatedly slides into a chair, cradling her head in between her hands, letting the tears free fall, as reality begins setting in that she lost the one thing in the world that was her everything. Poppy Min Sinclair was her rock, the girl who she gave her heart to, the love of her life and just in a matter of moments it was over. Maybe it was too good to be true. The beautiful, perky popular rich girl and the girl who had almost nothing, complete polar opposites, it never should’ve worked. But time and time again when faced against the world they persevered so why was this time different? Poppy had chosen her namesake over the love of her life. She chose the life of glitz and glamour over the girl who gave her her entire heart. Bea feels her entire world crashing down, how much more heartbreak could she take? Was her life always going to be so hard? So full of hurt? Full of pain? She winces at the thought, her head hammering as she comes to the realisation that she understood her mother’s pain more than she thought.

….

Bea hops off her bike, parking it in front of her house, as she pulls her phone out to look at the time. ‘It’s lunch time,’ she thinks to herself. After the day she had today, school wasn’t the best option for her right now. She makes her way to her front door but stops in her tracks when she realises her front door is slightly ajar. Her survival instincts kick in as she effortlessly pulls out her pocket knife, carefully pushing the door fully open. As she steps into the living room, her eyes dart to the closed door of her mother’s room, but when she hears a creaking sound coming towards her bedroom, she cautiously moves towards the source of the noise, the grip on her knife tightening. As she creeps up, she sees the door of her room half opened, a hooded figure standing by her bed with their back facing her.

Bea stealthily sneaks up to the figure placing the knife a few inches from their throat before lowering her voice to a threatening tone, “who are you and what the fuck are you doing?” The figure gasps, dropping a bag that’s in their hands with a deafening thud before raising their hands in a sign of surrender.

“It’s me, it’s me,” the voice whimpers out.

“AJ?” Bea raises her eyebrows, retracting the knife from his throat while pulling down his hood with her other hand. “What the fuck are you doing?” Bea takes a step back while AJ scrambles grabbing the bag he just dropped moments before. When he turns to face Bea, his eyes are wide, filled with fear as he clutches the bag closely to his chest.

“I have to go,” he says as he attempts to run out of the room, but Bea pulls him back, her face crumpled in suspicion.

“No we’re not doing this, give me the bag now,” Bea snatches the bag out of his hands before he can protest and opens the zipper to find it filled with cash. She grits her teeth, anger settling into her features as she whips her head up to AJ, “is this my fucking money?”

“Bea, I- I can explain-”

“What the fuck AJ!” Bea throws the bag onto the bed, the cash spilling out as she jabs an accusing finger at AJ’s chest. “You’re stealing from me now? I haven’t seen you in god knows how long, you don’t call, text nothing. Even after everything that’s been happening in the last few weeks but you have the audacity to fucking steal from me? Money that I’ve spent years saving? Money that I’ve bussed my fucking ass off for, are you serious right now?” Bea’s voice is filled with rage as she’s practically screaming, her voice now thundering. AJ winces, guiltily averting his gaze to the ground, unable to meet Bea’s eyes.

“I’m sorry about your mom Bea, I wanted to visit-” AJ croaks out.

“But you didn’t,” Bea interjects, her voice lowered but filled with hurt. “And now you’re taking money- I mean what is so important you had to steal from me.”

AJ paces towards the bed, hanging his head in shame, when he speaks his voice is quiet, full of fear, “I’m in some bad shit Bea. These guys aren’t playing around.”

“I told you not to fall into the wrong crowd, I warned you this shit would happen.”

“Bea please, I’ll pay you back I just need it.”

“No! What the fuck, when will you pay me back huh? This is my college money, I’m not letting you give that away to your crackhead friends.”

“Bea please,” AJ clasps his hands together, his tone pleading, “I don’t know what to do.”

“AJ I have too much shit on my plate right now, I can’t deal with this. You need to find something else, I can’t help you.”

AJ’s face pales but he stands up, and makes his way towards the door, before leaving he turns to look back at Bea, “I’m sorry about everything.”

Bea keeps her eyes trained on her bed where the money is sprawled all over the mattress, “yeah me too,” she replies quietly. Bea hears the front door close and she collapses to the ground, letting the tears flow.

……

A few days later, Bea sits in her dark living room, curtains shut and lights completely off as she wallows in her sadness, drinking from a bottle of cheap beer, as she stares absentmindedly at the ceiling, so drowned in her thoughts she doesn’t hear the resounding knocks on her door until she hears a voice call out, “Bea! Are you there?”

Bea crumples her brows, forcing herself to stand as she makes her way to the door, she wearily makes her way to her front door only slightly opening the door before poking her head out. “Veronica?” Veronica gives the girl a wide smile before pushing the door more open, ushering the figure behind her into the house too, “Carter? What are you guys doing here?’

Veronica looks around the dark room, noticing the pile of empty beer bottles on the floor, “yikes, drinking on your own on a friday night Hughes? That’s really sad.” Carter stands near the edge of the living room, as if he’s an explorer, his eyes darting all over the living room as he assesses this new environment.

Bea on the other hand scowls at Veronica, “what the hell do you want Veronica, I’m not in the mood.”

Veronica frowns slightly, pouting her lips together, “we heard about you and Poppy.”

Bea rolls her eyes, “yeah well I’m trying to forget about her.” Bea picks up her beer bottle from the ground and makes a show by exaggeratingly drinking from the bottle until it's empty. She discards the empty bottle along with the other ones before turning to look at Veronica and Carter, “so if you’ll excuse me.”

Veronica steps towards Bea, wrapping her hand around the brunette’s arm, “we’re not here for Poppy stupid, we’re here for you.”

Bea raises an eyebrow, “for me?”

Veronica turns to look at Carter, beckoning him forward, Carter breaks out of reverie and clears his throat, “yeah uh, we wanted to take you to a party.”

“A party?” Bea looks between them confused, “I’m not that interested guys.”

“Wait, wait, wait Bea,” Veronica pleads, pulling Bea closer to her, “you’ve never been to a Belvoire party and the year is almost over, we thought we should take you to at least.”

“I don’t know guys,” Bea says skeptically, “a lot of people don’t like me.”

“Who gives a shit? You just had your heart broken and you need to let loose.”

Bea sighs, pulling away from Veronica, “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Come on, it beats drinking in the dark on your own.”

Bea sighs, dropping her shoulders, “what about uh Poppy?”

“Poppy?” Veronica arches a brow, “her and Chloe are staying in tonight, she said she needed to catch up on homework or something.”

Bea purses her lips together in thought before sighing, “fine.” Veronica cheers, “but,” Bea over enunciates, “only for a few hours and if I don’t like it I’m going home.”

“Okay, deal,” Veronica squeals, wrapping Bea in a big hug. Carter chuckles as Veronica gestures for him to join the hug, he awkwardly wraps his arms around the two girls, before pulling away.

“Okay, I’ll wait in the car while you girls get ready. Just uh don’t take too long.”

Veronica playfully rolls her eyes as she Bea towards her bedroom, yelling back “thanks Carter.” Giddy, she rushes to Bea’s closest, assessing her clothes until she finds a short red dress hidden in the back. “This!”

“No, no, no,” Bea shakes her head, pulling the dress out of the ombre-haired girl’s hands.

“Why not? It would look so hot on you,” Veronica’s eyes trail down Bea’s body, as she sharply inhales. “Bea, you’re single and sexy, stop holding yourself back okay?”

“I’m not,” Bea pushes back defensively, “I just-” she sighs heavily, “no one at Belvoire has ever seen me dressed up, I’m just- I’m nervous I guess.”

“Then we have to show them what they’ve been missing for the last three years,” Veronica gives Bea a devilish smile as she takes the dress from Bea’s hands, sliding the dress off the hanger before handing it over to Bea.

“Uh you gonna stay in the room?” Bea nervously wrings her hands together.

“Why, are you offering a show?” Veronica lifts a teasing brow, noticing Bea’s cheeks redden slightly, which prompts her to let out a small laugh, “I’m kidding, don’t worry I won’t look.” Veronica makes a show of raising her hands to cover her eyes. Bea laughs as she slips out of her clothes and into the dress, she awkwardly clears her throat, grabbing Veronica’s attention.

“Hey, uh help a girl out with her zipper?”

“Sure,” Veronica moves to stand behind Bea, her hands ghosting around Bea’s exposed back, her breath momentarily taken away. She sturdies herself and places one of her hands on the small of the brunette’s back while the other moves towards the zipper, zipping the girl up. Bea smooths the dress down with her hands appreciating herself in the mirror, “you look gorgeous,” Veronica whispers into the shell of her ear.

Bea’s face completely flushes red and slightly jerks at Veronica’s admission, “uhh thanks.”

Veronica notices the awkward shift in the atmosphere, and promptly changes the subject, “so where’s your sister?”

Bea sits in front of her mirror, a comb in her hand as she brushes her long locks, “she’s staying at a friend’s tonight.”

“Cool,” Veronica answers back but her tone falls flat. The girls bask in the awkward silence as Bea continues to get ready but when Veronica notices Bea struggling to do her winged eyeliner she breaks the silence. “Hey do you need help?”

Bea smiles bashfully, “yeah.” She rubs the back of her head with her hand, “sorry Poppy used to help me with my makeup.”

“Right,” Veronica’s face slightly falls but she quickly covers it up, ushering Bea to come and sit on the bed. “Come on, I don’t bite,” Veronica bites the bottom of her lip, “unless you want me too.” Bea laughs but obliges sitting on the edge of the bed. Veronica clambers onto her lap, her thighs settling on the sides of Bea’s legs, and in response, Bea’s eyes widen in surprise but she remains glued in her spot, too shocked to move.

“V, what are you doing?” Bea whispers, her voice attempting to come across as reprimanding but it comes out as breathy.

“Relax, I’m just doing your eyeliner.” Veronica plucks the wand from Bea’s hand and angles herself close to the brunette’s face, as she begins drawing on the wings on Bea’s eyelids. Bea steadies herself, as she feels the heat of Veronica’s body so close to hers and when Veronica is finished with putting the finishing touches on her eyelids, she hops off Bea’s lap, making her way towards the desk, scuffling through Bea’s makeup bag before taking up her place on Bea’s lap once again. “Now I think this colour would look good on you,”

“You don’t think it’s too much red?”

“Oh babe, red means power, dominance, you don’t wanna be thinking about Poppy the entire night, you wanna have all eyes on you Bea Hughes.” Veronica uncaps the lipstick, her eyes burning into Bea’s lips as she carefully applies the red colour to her lips. “Perfect.”

Bea smacks her lips together, evenly spreading the red on her lips. “Thanks V.”

Veronica’s eyes dart to Bea’s lips, her tongue slightly running along her bottom lips before she breaks out of her reverie flashing Bea a smirk, “don’t thank me yet, thank me when you’re having the time of your life at the party.” Veronica slides off Bea’s lap, holding her hand out, “come on let’s finish up because Carter’s been waiting for a while.” Bea smiles up at Veronica, taking her hand as she lets the ombre-haired girl pull her off the bed, as they continue getting ready.

………

Once they arrive at the party, Carter drops the girls off at the front of the huge house before telling them he will park the car. Veronica’s gaze darts to Bea, who’s nervously toying with her hands, looking up at the intimidating house, the lights blaring and as the music echoes throughout, the bass thumping in their ears. Noticing the nerves settling into her, Veronica slips into Bea's, giving her a reassuring squeeze, “hey, it’s okay, it’s just a bunch of drunk, preppy uptight teenagers, nothing you don't usually face everyday.”

Bea lets out a small laugh, “just in a big ass house,” she jests.

“Yeah, just in a big ass house,” she gives Bea a light squeeze as she starts pulling Bea into the house with her. Automatically, they’re met with stares and whispers, as the students look astonished at Bea, some appraising her outfit, while others are confused about her presence. “Hey, just stay with me okay?” Veronica whispers over to Bea. Bea nods, her eyes roaming the room. “I’ll get us drinks.” The ombre-haired girl gives Bea a reassuring pat on her arm and leaves her side and Bea walks into the living room, observing the difference between the vibes of the party between the north and the south. Her thoughts then move to think about Poppy, how Poppy would love going to parties in the north but Bea couldn’t find the appeal in it. Poppy. Poppy, who broke up with her. She’s interrupted from her thoughts by a tap of her shoulder, and Bea turns around to see Veronica offering her a red solo cup, Bea takes a sip and winces.

“What the hell is this crap?”

“Yeah for a bunch of rich kids, their taste in beer isn’t the best,” Veronica jokes, slightly nudging Bea.

“We have way better beer in the south side.”

“That I can agree with.” Veronica looks over to Bea who looks lost in thought, “hey what are you thinking about?”

Bea sighs heavily, “Poppy,” she mutters.

Veronica nods once, “right, yeah.”

“Poppy would’ve loved a party like this, big fancy house an-”

“Bea,” Veronica says, her tone slightly agitated, “this,” she gestures around the room, “is a no Poppy zone. That means we don’t think about Poppy, only about fun.”

Bea nods, “fun. I can do that.” Veronica lifts her cup in the air, “what are we cheering to?”

Veronica gives Bea a smile, “here’s to the first steps in moving on.” The girls tap their cups together before downing their drinks. “Now if we wanna get drunk, we’re gonna need a lot more of these.”

The party is still ongoing, and Bea sits in a circle with a few girls from the volleyball team and a few of the football team and other people she doesn’t recognise while Veronica sits beside her.

“Bea you look so pretty,” one of her teammates says.

“Yeah Bea your makeup is literally gorgeous,” another chimes in.

“Who knew strip tease can clean up well,” Ford jests, but Bea slumps her shoulders a little, remembering that these people are not her friends.

Carter enters the circle slapping Ford on the head as he goes, “shut up, Hughes is cool.” Bea gives Carter a nod of appreciation before looking down at the drink in her hands. Her thoughts move a million miles a minute, but there’s a constant one stuck in her brain, Poppy.

Veronica looks over at Bea, frowning. “Hey come with me.” She stands, excusing herself from the group and Bea follows her close behind.

“Where are we going?”

“We’re gonna play a private game of truth or drink.”

#playchoices #queen b #poppy min sinclair #poppy x mc #star crossed lovers #thank you for waiting #i promise to be more consistent #love you guys

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burnedbyshoto · 3 years

Text

shinsou and the very terrible, horrible, no good, very bad shift

— You, a new sidekick, screw up a case for a Pro Hero Shinsou, and he demands compensation.

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pairing: older!shinsou hitoshi x younger fem!reader

warnings: age gap (shinsou 25, reader 18), nsfw, 18+, pwp, DEGRADATION, power imbalance, spanking, marking, cursing, shinsou is a major asshole, mindbreak, sorta subspace, happy ending for shinsou, depending on person unhappy ending for reader, public sex, dubcon because of power imbalance

word count: 3,892

a/n: happy halloween. this is mean degradation imo like I thought ive done degradation but this made all those look like praise kink. be careful and click out if its too much

kinktober day 20 main kink: degradation | kinktober masterlist

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How you ever forgot that as a high school hero-in-training student, you were a big fish in a tiny pond was beyond you. Well, to be quite honest, you never thought yourself to be a big fish, to begin with.

You were eighteen, a few months from turning nineteen and had just graduated from the hero course over at UA. That in itself was a huge accomplishment, one that you should take with bubbling pride and joy, but to be quite honest, having such a big name attached to you only made you nervous. To tell the truth, you often wondered just why a hero within the top 50 even scouted you to work as an intern with them and then offer you a position as a sidekick as soon as you entered your third year. Still, it seemed to be a common predicament with BMI Hero: FatGum.

Today was your first day on the job, no longer a student part of a hero work-study, but as a physical, government paid hero — a fickle sidekick! You shuddered as you slipped on the shoes to your outfit, your teeth gnawing at your bottom lip as you made your way out of the locker room, ready to report to your first assignment.

FatGum agency was quite a lovely place, loud and warm, being the first two adjectives you thought of when you first joined their ranks. It did wonders for your self-esteem, and seeing newly turned Pro Hero Suneater, who apparently was a million times more of a nervous mess than you were, made you feel oddly in good hands.

But still, nothing could keep you from the shock that ran through your body when FatGum proudly thrust forward a patrol route for you to follow.

“Alright, pipsqueak,” FatGum jovially spoke, his eyes closed while he smiled. “This is your route for the day! It should take about an hour to get through unless anything happens! You’ll go on the route every three hours, and in between those patrols, it’s the same paper system as before! Good luck out there, y/h/n, you got this!”

“Oh my god, no, I do not?!” you spluttered, hands shaking wildly as you went through the folder Fat had so quickly presented. “What if I die?!”

“You’ll be fine. Remember how Deku and Ground Zero complimented you the other day?”

“Yeah!” you exclaim, your face burning with your shame as you remembered that confrontation. “But that only happened because Deku is a living saint, and I spilled my noodles all over him and Ground Zero! Ground Zero was also, by the way, forced to compliment me by Deku! And all he said was that my combat skills were absolutely shitty but not as shitty as he thought they would be!”

“Ah yes, I remember Red Riot discussing how his friend was less than inept at expressing his gratitude,” FatGum hummed in memory, although that dumb, proud smile never left his face. “If I remember correctly, that means he has great respect for you!”

You made a dying noise at the back of your throat.

“But Deku doesn’t lie! He speaks honestly, so all his compliments were definitely true. Now, y/h/n, let's get through this day together, ne?”

You didn’t agree, but that wouldn’t stop him from throwing you out to the streets, your heart hammering in your throat as you walked through the path he used to take you on every day. Your smile was shaky and wobbly as the people you recognized waved and cheered you on. They were all excited to see you on your own.

However, they did point out that you were here an entire hour earlier than usual, but hey! That’s what happened when you went from being a student to trying to function as an adult!

“You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay,” you chanted as you passed by the spookiest alleyway on your patrol.

The hour-long patrol was almost done if your watch wasn’t lying to you: a full patrol and not a single instance of needing to help. Well, you had assisted some people in carrying groceries and holding a child as a mother shopped for dinner that night, but there were no altercations, nothing out of the ordinary.

You marched through the alleyway, your fists in a shaky clenched grip as cold, nervous sweat dripped down your neck.

You were okay, you are okay, you will be okay.

“Nothing to be afraid of! Just a normal, average, no villains insight day!” you spoke to yourself, your body shaking as you pass an opening in the alleyway, and you turn your head to look and freeze.

“Alright, and I don’t want fucking nobody hearing goddamn shit about this drug, got it?!” a man with a quirk that made him look like a blowfish snapped.

Six men stood in the alleyway, all with tall, massive, threatening vibes. You didn’t make a single noise; you knew that for a fact, but their gazes still fell on you the moment the man stopped speaking. A horrible, stupid movie cliche that happened too often in hero life.

Your life probably flashed before your eyes at that single moment, your body and mind instinctively moving to call the heroes before realizing that you were the hero now. What do you do?! What could you do?! Drugs?! Did they have drugs?!

Panicking greatly, you watched their mouths move, but you couldn’t hear them as you took in their faces in a blur. Before you knew it, your mind shut down, and your body took over. You weren’t sure what it was. If you were way stronger than the entire group or if you just had an untapped potential that burst open right now, because you blinked and suddenly there were all thrown onto the floor, busted and bloody and tied up.

You… you did it?!

“Oh my god!” you exclaimed, your hands rising to your mouth as you looked at each and every one of their smushed, dirty faces. “I WON?! I won, oh my god, I won — wait?!”

You stepped over to the purple-haired man on the floor, his mouth stuffed with a cloth fabric you probably shoved in there at some point.

“M-Mindjack-sensei?!” you cried, your excitement of betting this drug handoff simmering off immediately. “W-What are you doing? Were you gonna stop this drug handoff? I — oh my god, let me get this off!” You scrambled to get the restraints off of Shinsou, unaware of the way the other captured men glared at Shinsou, utterly shocked and betrayed as you cleared him.

“Thank you for the capture, y/h/n!” a police officer congratulated you as you freed Shinsou, and you smiled, nodding your head. “Is it just four of them?”

You froze.

You had counted six men at first, and with Shinsou recovered, that made five men.

“I didn’t… I lost one of them?” you deflated, all sense of confidence draining you as Shinsou remained on the floor.

“Ah,” the police officer grimaced, his head shaking before he paused and looked up at you with a halfhearted smile. “Well, you still did good work! We’ll see what drug they were talking about, and if it’s nothing too crazy, they’ll be good to go!”

“Yeah, of course,” you smile weakly, feeling ready to cry as you hold onto your wrist.

“But, uh, who’s the guy on the ground?” he nodded towards Shinsou, who was looking entirely pissed off and ready to bite like some cornered, raging animal.

“Oh, Mindjack!” you respond, hands motioning toward one of the other older Pro Heroes you looked up to.

The police officer stared at Shinsou, an unconvinced look on his face.

“I thought he was… ah, well, old? And didn’t he have black hair?” he muttered before shrugging. You didn’t manage to stutter out your knowledge of the older man with black hair being Eraserhead because he was long gone already, fingers pressed to his radio, chatting with his HQ.

Breathing out a nervous sigh, you turned to Shinsou with a shy and fully apologetic smile. “I am so sorry for hurting you! Are you okay?” you asked, your eyes scanning the older heroes' stance, unable to read anything but annoyance radiating from his body.

“No, I’m not okay, actually,” Shinsou spat, his face finally looking up from the floor, and you felt your throat run thick at the rage and anger simmering from his face.

“W-Wha—” you stammer, taking a step back, overwhelmed.

“You just fucking ruined six months of undercover work,” he seethed, his feet moving to stalk towards you. You found yourself stumbling backward, looking everywhere but at him. You can feel your balance giving; the cold filth of the alleyway wall your saving grace as his fingers grabbed your jaw, forcing you to face him. His purple eyes black in his fury. “I don’t think you realized just how badly you fucked up?! You stupid fucking child!”

A wash of ice-cold realization flooded through you, the horror of what you knew you just did completely dawning on you as tears sprung in your eyes. You felt nauseous, utterly sick to your stomach because this seasoned Pro Hero definitely had shit to do, and you practically shat all over it.

“I am so sorry,” you whimper, pain shooting through you just slightly at the grip he has on your chin. “I am so so sorry, i-is there anything that I c-can do?! How can I-I fix it?!”

“You think I need help from some crybaby?” Shinsou snapped, thoroughly unimpressed by you, his eyes narrowing further. You didn’t even realize you were crying already.

“I-I’m useful, I promise!” you cry a bit more, your body struggling as the older hero trapped you against the wall, his face glowering down at you with the intensity of a million suns. “I-I’m a sidekick over a-at Fatgum’s agency, but, oh fuck, I’m so sorry! I’ll do anything you ask of me!”

There’s a looming silence, a heavy tension as his eyes drop from your eyes to your parted wet lips. He’s much taller than you, and you can feel every heavy breath expelling on your face.

“You think a pathetic, worthless little sidekick is able to do anything for me?” Shinsou snapped, his eyes narrowing as he loomed even closer. “A pathetic fucking bitch like you? I don’t think you can give me even a simple fucking action that would prove your worth.”

The words are hot embers on your ears, making your jaw drop, and your body trembles at the simple degradation. You feel your tears hot on your cheeks, your parted lips invaded by his dirt-covered fingers as he pressed onto your tongue. It had to be the shock of it, the reality of the hot, hard dick pressing into your stomach and the way he was staring at you like some piece of fucking meat, but you gagged around his fingers.

“Why am I not fucking surprised, you goddamn fucking whore,” he sneered, his fingers shoving faster into your mouth, pressing dangerously hard against your tongue, trying to get you to gag and choke around his fingers. “You fucking sure you’re a fucking sidekick? Look at you, pathetic, stupid, crying like a baby in an alleyway? You’re a hero, aren’t you? Fucking save yourself from this, you fucking bitch.”

You violently shake, your hands finding themselves tethered to his shirt, your head shaking nonetheless.

“Oh, you don’t want to save yourself?” He coos, his expression turning the slightest bit amused, maybe a bit possessive, but it lasts a second. You blink, and anger has replaced the amusement, red streaking in his vision. “Why the fuck not?”

“B-Because,” you strangle, your tongue flat against your mouth, your throat instinctively opening and closing against his fingers. “I said I’ll do anything y-you wanted!”

There’s another pause, and you wait pressed against the wall, your chest heaving with your anxiety and weird turned-on state. Shinsou was a Pro Hero, someone who was eight years older than you, someone you had respected since you were in grade school. Yet, here you were, looking nothing more than a slab of meat to him, a hole for him to abuse in his anger because you had fucked up.

“Oh, you stupid fucking slut,” he laughed, his teethed bared into a feral smirk. “You want this, huh. You want to please me any way I see fucking fit, fucking perfect. Turn around.”

There’s no room to argue or think; he turns you around without a second's notice. His hand shoving your chest into the wall, and you cry at the discomfort. He grabs your ass, pushing you uncomfortably into an arched position as he tears your pants down from your legs.

“You’re a worthless fucking cumdump. Not even noon yet, and I’m going use your fucking body however I see fit.” Shinsou promises, fingers raking down your supple ass. Nails tearing into your skin, fingers slapping your covered cunt. “You worthless fucking slut, dirty fucking whore, already goddamn wet.”

“I’m n-not wet!” you cry, hips spasming against his rough hold, and slaps to your aching cunt. You know it’s a lie, you know that clear as day, but it doesn’t keep you from lying. Doesn’t stop you from shivering when he pinches at the cloth of your panties and removes them from your sopping wet folds.

“You think I don’t know if you’re wet or not?” Shinsou growled in warning, his fingers pinching together your soaked folds. An action that makes you cry loudly, the sharp pain too much for you. “You think I’m some fucking idiot?”

“N-No!” you cry, his fingers shifting to where your throbbing entrance is and his other hand going to your mouth, once again claiming your lips as his nails purposefully impose pain on your heated cunt.

“You must think that since you’re lying to me,” he snaps, his mouth pressed to your ear, his hot breaths making your eyes roll to the back of your head. You want to speak up, say something, but his fingers are fucking your mouth, keeping you from speaking back. “But again, you aren’t fucking worth anything, are you? You’re not fucking anything.”

Those words whip against your skin, making you twist in his arms, hot tears pushing past your eyes again as you cry.

“Oh, you don’t like that?” Shinsou comments, his fingers pinching and pulling your tongue, and his hips begin to grind his hot, burning flesh into your ass. “Well, you better stop fucking crying because I’m not gonna stop until I’m fucking done — until I’m fucking relieved. This isn’t about you; this is for me. You aren’t shit, fucking worthless piece of shit whore.”

You sob into the brick wall, the tears unable to be stopped, unable to clear as his fingers that were scraping at your folds begin to fuck you at the same time as he fingers your mouth faster. The sensation of being outside, finger fucked in an alleyway by a Pro Hero you admired and respected beyond comparison, made you tremble with want and need. His cruel, completely degrading words a warm fire in your belly and against your skin.

The sounds of the wet caverns he was currently fucking begin to echo in the wall, his throbbing cock grinding against your ass. It’s a sensation that makes you cry with need, your ass shifting back to feel him more, to get more from the contact he’s giving you.

“Of course some screwup like you likes this shit,” Shinsou grunted, his fingers fishing and rubbing against the spongy warmth of your walls, fingers scraping ever so gently against the velvetiness. You spasm against his touch, your whiney, pleasure-filled noises filling up the alleyway almost as loudly as the choking and the squelching of your pussy.

His hands suddenly leave your mouth, and you’re heaving at the deserted feeling in your mouth. You whip your head around, trying to see just why he had abandoned your mouth, desperate to please him more in any way he saw fit. But instead, you’re met with the sicky coldness of your saliva spread across your face. Almost instantly drying against your face as your still tear-soaked eyes looked into his dark ones.

“Don’t look so fucking sad, stupid cockslut,” Shinsou snapped, his hand that had been fucking your cunt abandoning your warmth and meeting your face. You whined, unable to come up with words as he spreads your slick against your face. A shiver wrecks your spine, a pathetic whimper at the smell, and the feel of the warm thickness of your slick. “You wanted this, fucking asked me to wreck your worthless holes.”

“I-I’m not sad,” you try to defend yourself, your body shaking as you feel the heated warmth of his cock suddenly between the curves of your ass. It presses heavily onto you, skin twitching and throbbing with its emitting warmth and simmering heat.

Shinsou pauses, his eyes deadly and threatening as he glares at you. Unamusement heavy in his gaze, his mouth set in a small, teeth-baring snarl. “Then why the fuck are you crying? You think you deserve to be crying right now? No. You fucking worthless slut, you don’t. You ruined my damn shift, my damn case, I should be the one fucking crying. Your pathetic ass is worthless and tried to make my life the same, and that won’t fucking fly.”

The words tighten at your throat, your body trembling as tears continue to flow. His words are white-hot against your skin, and although it hurts to hear it, your cunt clenches in response, slicking even more.

His hand comes down suddenly onto your ass. The slap sharp and stinging, echoing loudly against the alleyway walls as you scream in pain. It throbs, your back contorting as you try to stretch the skin that makes you ache. But Shinsou spanks your ass again, without warning, his hand unmerciful against your soft, swelling flesh. You yelp again.

He spanks again, and again, and again. Each echoing action sending your voice screaming, counting them without even being told, succumbed to him and his every action and thought without needing to be. He spanks you until your ass feels raw and bloody, the bruises undoubtedly forming as he pinches the folds of your dripping cunt.

“Stick your ass out more,” he growls, tugging at the fold, making you stumble. The cock pressing onto the split of your ass feels heavy, and you twitch at the seeping pre-cum dripping onto your muscled rim. The bricks scratch at your face, and you find your ass wiggling out further from the wall, your back arched more as the cold wall sings through the clothes on your breast. “I’m not gonna put more fucking effort into fucking a goddamn worthless bitch than I should.”

And with that, your ass perfectly exposed for him to use and fuck. His throbbing cock presses through your pussy and slams all the way into you.

There were many pains you were used to as an aspiring hero. You were used to being punched, kicked, stabbed, thrown about, etc. Each of those pains were something you had been taught to make feel better, each pain demonstrated to you so that it wouldn’t be the thing that took you out. But there was no training for the way that his thick cock pressed through your impossibly tight entrance. There was no pain that could relate to the white fire of your rapidly fluttering entrance that was trying too hard to keep up with his slamming thick cock.

“IT HURTS!” you shriek, body twisting, tears flooding your cheeks as you feel weak in the legs. Body moments from falling. “It hurts so much! Please! It hurts!”

“Oh? It hurts? It's supposed to fucking hurt you fucking idiot, fucking whore,” Shinsou snapped in return, his hips firing into even faster than before. His massive body practically caving onto you as his cock rockets into you. Unforgiving, relentless, and with the drive to make him cum. Your vision swirls and spins as the pain reaches its peak, your mouth opening, your voice no longer working. But oh, how the saliva dripped from your mouth as his hands abandoned your waist to grab onto your stretched cheeks. He held onto your cheeks like some gag, slamming your head into his chest so your dazed eyes could stare up at him as his menacing gaze bore down on you. “You think this was supposed to make you feel good? I don’t give a shit if you cum. This is for me. I’m not fucking stopping until I’m done using you, so shut the fuck up.”

Your whimper is soft, no longer able to keep up with the pleasure your body begins to reach as the pain becomes one of pure bliss. Your eyes crossing as every thrust of his welcomed cock drives you further and further up the wall. The squelching of your meeting sexes almost sounds like a nursery rhyme. A pleasant noise that makes you giggle deliriously as Shinsou continues to degrade you continues to spout how insignificant you are.

“Your only purpose in your shit life is to be my fucking cumdump, fucking bitch, do you understand me?” Shinsou spat, his thrusting becoming barbaric, stammering in his power and speed. You laugh, your head nodding as you stare up at him with loving eyes, the drool and tears on your face trailing down your throat, soaking your uniform. “Tell me what your purpose is?”

“To be your cumdump!” you laugh, elation bubbling in your chest, fluttering deep around your cunt until you felt Shinsou’s teeth sink into your throat.

The feeling of hot, sticky cum expelling into your cunt feels like blistering euphoria, his heavy, rough breathing on your skin, making you moan softly. Your own orgasm hits, much softer, much more controlled than his as your walls clamp down like a vice around him. Your orgasm is warm, sounding deep within you that you almost didn’t realize you were dropped to the floor.

A soft, pitiful moan sounds from your lip, your eyes focused on Shinsou, who’s shoving his limp cock back into his pants, but his eyes are on the skyline.

“I-I’m sorry for messing up your… your case,” you rasp on the floor.

Shinsou shifts on his feet, his gaze lingering longer onto the skyline before finally setting onto you. The anger seems to have disappeared, a look of slight boredom but the excitement in his eyes as he leans down over you. You feel breathless when his mouth presses against yours in a short, chaste kiss.

“I think you just helped me keep my cover, slut; maybe you do have some worth,” he laughed against your mouth.

He leaves you there, your body going limp and blackness taking over the moment he disappears.

#shinsou x reader #shinsou smut #bnha #bnha x reader #mha #tw: dubcon #bbs kinktober 2020

446 notes · View notes

moon-light-jukebox · 4 years

Text

Our boy - [Reid x Reader]

Summary: Spencer Reid is anything but calm when his wife, reader, goes into labor.

Pairing: Spencer Reid / (Female) Reader

Rating: Wholesome AF

Word Count: 2.3k

Category: Pure fluff. Maybe some angst if you squint, just because childbirth is angsty.

Content Warning: None that I can think of.

A/n: This is just a quick little idea that popped into my head earlier. I wrote it all in one go. We don’t get enough Dad!Spencer. 😊 Reader’s labor was inspired by true events.

y/n = your name. italicized block of text is a flash back.

-- Our boy --

“Babe, you have got to calm down.” I didn’t even bother opening my eyes to look at my husband; I was too tired.

His voice was as close to a squawk as I have ever heard. “I am calm, y/n!” That had me cracking one eye open to stare at him, which caused him to huff out a short laugh. “Okay, maybe I’m not calm. But how can I be calm?” His beautiful brown eyes were swimming with worry. “This has taken such a long time, and you’re so tired. The doctor said things haven’t been progressing.”

“Oh, come on, doctor,” I said teasingly. “I’m sure that big brain of yours knows that it’s not uncommon for first time mothers to labor for a long time.”

“But it’s been thirty hours,” he protested.

“I’m aware. Talk to your son.” I pointed to my very large stomach. “This is his show.”

That caused him to smile, the first real smile I had seen on his face since he arrived here, about an hour after I did. We knew this was coming, I was overdue, our son choosing to stay inside my body for 41 weeks and 6 days. The doctors had said if I hit 42 weeks that we needed to discuss inducing labor. Because of that conversation, Spencer wasn’t with the rest of the team, they were on some case in god knows where, instead he was helping at headquarters with Penelope. The same woman I had called when my water broke. I wanted to call Spencer, I really did…but my husband is prone to overact, especially in situations like this.

Turns out calling Penelope wasn’t any better.

“Hello, Mrs. Dr. Reid!” she had chirped.

“Hi Penelope. Is my husband around?”

“He is with the second love of his life.”

Which meant he had made a coffee run. I laughed, despite the pain rippling across my stomach. “Okay, well, I need you to pull him away for the first love of his life. My water just broke.”

There was a beat of silence before the screaming started. “YOUR WHAT JUST WHAT?!”

Just at that moment I heard him in the background. “Garcia,” my husband said. “Who’s what did what?”

“Penelope, be-“

It was no use; she had already started screaming at him. “YOUR WIFE! YOUR SON IS TRYING TO EXIT HER LADY BUSINESS! WE HAVE TO GO!!”

They then promptly hung up, only to call back a few minutes later and ask which hospital I was at.

There was a knock on the door, drawing me out of my memories. “Mrs. Reid?” the doctor called before walking into the room. She was a short woman with curly grey hair; Spencer and I had never met her before, she was just the doctor on call, but something about her demeanor put me at ease.

I gave her a wan smile. “Hey Doc.”

She marched into the room them, no nonsense to be found; which was unfortunate, I was a very big fan of nonsense as perfectly highlighted by the man I chose to marry. “Mrs. Reid, I need to check to see where you’re at,” she said, already snapping on her gloves.

“Knock yourself out.” At a certain point during labor modesty just vanishes. I don’t even want to think about how many people have seen my vagina today.

I felt some pressure for a few seconds before she pulled back. “You’re still at 5 centimeters.”

This comment got a groan from my husband. “But she has to get to 10!”

“I’m aware, Dr. Reid.”

“She’s been in labor for 30 hours and 23 minutes and 16 seconds!”

“I am also aware of that, Dr. Reid,” she said, suppressing a smile. “Which is why we need to have a little chat.” She turned to me. “Mrs. Reid, I’m concerned about the baby.”

That caused mine and Spencer’s spines to stiffen. “What,” I asked. “Why? Is something wrong?”

“Not yet,” the doctor said hurriedly. “We have been monitoring your contractions and vitals…but we also monitor the baby’s heartrate. It’s nothing to be too alarmed about now, but his heartrate has slowed a bit.”

“But what does that mean? Is he in destress?” My husband asked; he sounded so afraid that I instinctively reached out to grasp his hand.

“It means he’s tired, Dr. Reid.” She offered us a small smile. “Mrs. Reid isn’t the only one going through this. The baby is too. Like I said, it’s not low enough to be an issue now, but if it drops much lower, we need to discuss other options.”

“…he’s tired?” my voice cracked on the last word, tears already pricking in the corners of my eyes.

“Baby,” Spencer whispered, leaning over to place a kiss on my temple. “It’s alright.”

I shook my head. “It’s not. It’s not alright. He’s my baby, Spencer. He’s our baby,” I all but bawled at him. “Our baby is tired.” I’m sure one day I’ll look back at this moment and feel silly for how upset I had become…but I was so tired, and while the epidural numbed the pain, I still felt it. All of that I could endure, but I couldn’t endure this.

“I know,” he soothed. “But he’s fine. He’s okay.”

“I want to discuss other options,” I said, meeting the doctor’s gaze. “What are they?”

The doctor nodded, “Well, we could start a Pitocin IV. That’s a medicine we use to-“

“Cause the uterus to contract and speed up or induce labor,” Spencer interrupted, causing me to laugh, despite my tears. Even in times like this he was still…Spencer.

The doctor did not share in my amusement. “Yes,” she huffed. “That is one option. It runs the same risks, if his heartrate drops, we’ll need to move you to the O.R.” I gulped and Spencer squeezed my hand. “The other option is to take you back to the O.R. now.”

I looked over at Spencer, his eyes were wide and frightened, his always messy, curly hair was in a worse state than usual, his clothes were wrinkled. “I want our boy, Spence.”

He just nodded, bringing our joined hands up to his mouth to press a kiss to my knuckles. “It’s up to you, y/n. You know I’ll support whatever you want.”

Spencer gave me the courage to turn to face the doctor. “Let’s do it.”

Things progressed very quickly and very slowly at the same time. The room started bustling with different people doing different things to get me ready. Spencer called Penelope, who called the rest of his team, who were now all in the waiting room. How much Spencer’s co-workers at the FBI cared about him made me smile; they were his family, and by extension my family. Our little boy was going to be the most well looked after child in history.

Before I knew it, I was laying on my back in the operating room, a blue sheet put up just below my boobies. Apparently, most people didn’t want to watch themselves have a c-section. I couldn’t but laugh at the absurdity of the moment.

“What is it, my love?”

I turned my head to look at Spencer. His clothes were covered by some sort of yellow outfit, his hair was stuffed in one of those blue hat’s hospitals make you wear, I’m sure he could tell me the proper name, even his shoes were covered. One of his hands was gripping mine, the other slowly stroking the top of my head.

“I was just thinking about everything. Remember when we met?”

I realized how silly it was to ask a man with an eidetic memory if he remembered something right after I said it, something with which he agreed, given the look on his face. “Yes, y/n, I remember.” His hand squeezed mine tightly. “It was a Tuesday morning, at 7:34 a.m. You had on black pants and a light blue top, you didn’t notice me, but I thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world.”

That caused a tear to slide down from the corner of my eye, only to be wiped away by my husband. “I didn’t notice you because you were in line behind me,” I teased.

“That’s no excuse,” he insisted. “I would notice you anywhere.”

That made my heart squeeze in my chest. “I must be pretty special,” I surmised. “I pulled your attention away from coffee.”

His voice was breathy, his eyes shimmering. “You’re the most special thing in the entire world, y/n. I don’t know what I did to deserve you. I don’t know how I got the courage to speak to you when you walked by me, but I’ll be grateful that I did it for the rest of my life.”

It was my turn to reach up and wipe a tear from his face. “I’m glad you stopped me,” I whispered. “Our little guy probably is too.”

Spencer didn’t laugh like I expected him to; instead he bit his lip, his eyes bouncing from my face to the blue curtain that separated us from the doctors.

“What is it, baby?”

He swallowed, letting out a shaky breath. “I’m scared, y/n,” he whispered. “I’m afraid that I won’t be any good at this. I never had a dad…What if I’m not everything he needs me to be?”

I felt my heart crack in half. “Spencer, that’s not possible,” I insisted, ignoring the way he started to shake his head. “You could never let anyone down, especially not your family. Especially not your son. You are going to be the most amazing father. You’re going to love our son so much; you already do love him that much, Spence.”

He was crying in earnest now. “But, y/n,”

Spencer never got to finish that sentence. The doctor suddenly interrupted our hushed conversation. “Okay, dad,” she called. “Here he comes!”

My husband placed a kiss on my forehead before he stood up, looking over the curtain. He had insisted beforehand that he wasn’t going to look; he said he didn’t want to see me like that, but I knew he’d end up looking. My husband was far too curious to do anything else.

A shrill cry cut through the air, causing my heart to stop. That was him. I had never heard him cry before, but I knew that sound as sure as I knew my own name; that was my son.

Spencer and I were crying when the doctor brought him around the curtain so I could see him. He was wrinkly, red, and looked positively furious. I had never loved anything more.

They took him to the examination room to make sure he was breathing okay. Spencer had told me after c-section births this was normal. “They don’t get squeezed when they’re born,” he had said. “So, the nurse checks them over, weighs them, all that.”

He looked down at me, tears streaming down his face, then back towards our son.

“Go,” I urged him. “Go get our boy, Spence. I’m fine.”

Spencer’s head poked through the door of my room. “Are you ready?” he asked.

“REID. If you don’t get the fuck out of my way and let me see my godson I swear to GOD.”

“Oh,” I groaned, giggling slightly, despite the pain. “Please don’t make me laugh.”

I don’t know if Spencer moved willingly or if Penelope had just had enough, but soon the door was thrown open and a parade of people poured inside.

“Oh, my god, Mrs. Dr. Reid,” Penelope gushed, her hands hovering over my son, then back up towards my face. “You look like an angel. How did you just have major surgery? How did you just give birth, because a c-section is giving birth-“

“Penelope,” I cut her off. “Do you want to see him?”

“Gimme.”

I pulled the blankets down around his body, staring at his little face before I handed him over.

“Oh, my mother effin god,” she whispered, looking around at everyone else in the room. “He is the most beautiful child I have ever seen. He even looks like a genius. I don’t know if you can look like a genius, but I think he does.”

“You don’t have to whisper, Garcia,” my husband said, coming to stand beside me, leaning over to kiss my forehead again. “She is right though, Mrs. Dr. Reid. You’re beautiful.”

“Quit hogging the baby,” JJ said, reaching for him. “I’m the co-god mother. Hand him over.”

Emily leaned over JJ’s shoulder, staring at him with a look of wonder. “What did you guys decide to name him?”

“Arthur,” I said quietly. “His name is Arthur Spencer Reid.”

The room was dark when I opened my eyes, my head turning towards the tiny cry that woke me up.

“I know, I know,” my husband whispered to the tiny bundle in his arms. “I miss your mom too; she’s the best person in the world and I wish she could be awake all the time too.” I bit my lip, trying to suppress my laugh. “But you have to let her sleep some, little man.” My son gave another cry. “I know, believe me.”

“What are you doing?” I asked, my voice thick with sleep.

“Talking to Arthur,” he said simply. “You know, speaking to a child whenever they reach the babbling stage of their cognitive development is actually very important. It encourages them to learn the language they’re hearing. You know, children are actually experts at learning languages. Studies have shown that children that become fluent in a language before the age of 13 are often able to fool native speakers into thinking they’re native speakers themselves.”

“Huh,” I said, smiling like a dope. That was my Spencer. “Did you hear that, Arthur? It sounds like your dad wants to teach you some languages.”

“Only a couple,” he whispered to our boy. Then he looked up at me, his eyes bright, despite the dark circles under them.

“You’re tired, babe,” I said, moving to sit up. “Give him here, you can get some rest.”

He just shook his head. “No, I’m alright. You rest.” Spencer looked down at his son again, who was already back to sleep. “No dream I have could be better than this.”

As usual, Dr. Spencer Reid was absolutely right.

Taglist: @rachelxwayne @pinkdiamond1016 @sickeninglyshoujo @justagirllookingforherplace

#Spencer Reid #Dr. Spencer Reid #Spencer Reid x Reader #Spencer Reid x y/n #Spencer Reid x you #Spencer Reid fluff #Reid fluff #Criminal minds fluff #Criminal minds imagine

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sarahlynnirl · 3 years

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Losing my best friend - Sugar Daddy culture is not empowering

I finally feel strong enough to talk about this and hopefully get some love, support, and reassurance from other women who agree that this is fucked up. I’ve never been “terfy on main” before so here goes. (TW child abuse + SA but no graphic descriptions of SA)

My mother is a narcissist who financially and emotionally abused my father and myself, with some additional physical abuse of me, for as long as I can remember. My dad made plenty of money but my mom controlled it all and made sure it didn’t go towards anything for me beyond the bare minimum required not to look obviously guilty of child abuse and neglect. I met Kiara (not her real name) when I was a junior in highschool and she was a freshman. Her mom was a single Korean woman doing her best to support Kiara and her 2 sisters while also running a Korean restaurant. My first jobs were a summer camp counselor and fitting room attendant at Forever 21. I would spend the last scraps of my paycheck making sure Kiara was able to order a full meal when our friends went out to dinner, buying her little gifts, and generally trying to keep us both as happy and healthy as possible.

When Kiara graduated highschool her mom drove her into Koreatown New Jersey, got her a room in the apartment of an acquaintance, and basically left her to fend for herself. Kiara spoke barely any Korean. She began working at a Korean salon where she met Ariana (not her real name). She had a NY cosmetology license, not an NJ one, while Ariana was an illegal immigrant from Korea so they were both overworked, underpaid, forced to work overtime, paid under minimum wage, and deprived of their tips. They couldn’t report or complain about this since they were both working illegally.

Kiara had to pay rent for the one room she occupied despite her land lady yelling at her, walking into her room while she slept, banning her from having friends over, and reporting to her mom if she spoke to a guy on the phone or a guy dropped her off. I was working at a restaurant in my college town on top of my classes and doing my best to keep surprising her with little gifts, but neither of us had enough disposable income to afford to visit each other. This was really difficult for me as she was my favorite person in the world and I was used to spending every second with her when we both lived in upstate NY. Ariana got them both to start using SeekingArrangement for one time meet ups with Sugar Daddies where they were paid anywhere from $200-2000 for sex. “The first time I ever did it I walked out of the hotel and just screamed because I was so disgusted and I was thinking about his wrinkly skin touching mine and all I wanted to do was get in the shower and scrub it off but I had $1000 cash in my hand for a couple hours of work which was so crazy and kinda made it all worth it ya know?” - Ariana to me

I was immediately skeptical and a little grossed out but Kiara genuinely seemed happier. She was buying new clothes for herself, ordering food to the apartment when she was hungry, and taking trips into NYC to have fun with Ariana and her friends. By the beginning of the summer of 2019, Kiara had found the Sugar Daddy who she would establish a long term agreement with and who ultimately ended up completely supporting her. I’m not going to say his name here but if people want to know it just ask, I am willing to share. He moved her into a much nicer much bigger apartment with Ariana as her roommate. He paid for me to fly up and visit her, and all of our activities during this vacation. I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry. I wish I shoved the money back in her hand before it was too late, I wish I worked harder and longer hours and got us an apartment in Florida and paid both of our rent. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t listen to my instincts and allowed her to brush off my concerns. It was the most freedom we had ever had, I ran around NYC by myself while she was at work, and my ex took the bus to NJ from upstate NY and joined us for a few days. I feel so selfish but I also didn’t know how bad things would get.

One night Kiara and I went to NYC for dinner with her SD and she took the bus back to the apartment because she had to work early the next morning. It made sense for me to stay in the city because I was supposed to visit my friend at NYU the next morning. In the Uber to his apartment alone with him he was drunk and high and I very clearly looked scared shitless. At this point she was 19 (but she had looked that way since age 17 and I doubt he would have minded if she was lying about her age), I was 21 and he was 44. He seemed offended by my discomfort and was basically like “jeez relax I’m not gonna touch you, I really care about Kiara I think she’s so amazing, just go to the guest room and sleep, make a left to walk to NYU when you wake up.” I peaced the fuck out of there early the next morning.

After that summer Kiara and Ariana quit their jobs at the Korean salon and sugaring became their sole incomes. Ariana was still doing one time meet ups, not nearly as financially stable as Kiara, and got herself into a lot of credit card debt that to my knowledge she’s still in. At this point Kiara was flying down and staying with me in Florida so often that people at my college thought she went there too. I also wasn’t working at this point because college had gotten harder and my ex was fucking up my mental health real bad. He had given me a coke problem and Kiara sending me “grocery money” was enabling me to continue. I wasn’t honest with her about where all the money was going. During Halloween week we didn’t know that she couldn’t just snort molly (MDMA) with the frequency I was doing coke, she ODed, my guy best friend took us to the ER, it was so fucking scary, she got IV fluids for 2 hours and made a full recovery, she stopped doing molly, I kept doing coke. I’m so sorry :(

In November her SD paid for us to take a trip to Cancun Mexico. He was with us for the first part of the trip and this is where things started to get really bad. He tried to be my friend and act the way a boyfriend of my best friend who was my age would, but it was creepy and wrong and I was so uncomfortable. He asked about my drug use in a way that was gross and shamey and basically him seeing me as the “coke whore” stereotype...while continuing to buy me more coke. He also brought and gave us ecstasy pills. He asked really invasive questions about my relationship with my ex, why I stayed, my sex life, etc. It felt like an uncle asking me these questions, I did NOT wanna talk about any of this with him. But from what I did say it was very clear to someone with 44 years of life experience that I had an abusive mother, an addictive personality, and was in an unhealthy relationship. He offered to set me up with an SD friend of his looking for a sugar baby. I of course declined because I always knew this was a boundary I wasn’t willing to cross. No matter how bad my addictions got I would NOT give up that piece of myself in return for money.

In this part of Mexico, drugs that were only given with a prescription in the US were available over the counter. Kiara and I got a little box of 1mg Xanax with my money. My ex had given us Xanax a couple times in NY and we had fun with it, but at this point in time we did NOT have a problem with it. We had bought one bar, broken it in half, and each took half one night of Halloween week and called it “xanpires”, but this wasn’t something we were scripted or buying regularly from plugs. We went to dinner with her SD, we got up to go to the bathroom, and she immediately slipped and hit the ground. I was like woah did you take one of the xans and forget? Because we were supposed to tell each other if we were taking one so we could look out for each other. I was never mad at her! I never wanted money from her! I was just a little concerned, and once I determined that she was safe we thought it was kinda funny that she had taken a xan without realizing and started joking around about it. Her SD of course didn’t understand how a 19 year old and 21 year old girl joke with each other because he was a creepy old man, decided that we were “arguing”, and got up from the restaurant, walked across the street, bought a 90 count bottle of 2mg xans and gave it to me. This was honestly the most irresponsible way someone has ever treated me in my life, and this is coming from someone with an abusive and neglectful parent. Google “benzo withdrawal” if you’re not familiar with it.

We went to a different hotel, and Kiara and I both took xans and blacked out. I passed out on the guest bed, while Kiara was awake but in a conscious blackout. I woke up on the couch on the balcony (which was fine, it was comfy and I saw the sunrise over the beach. The gross part was that meant her SD had picked me up, put his hands on my body while I was unconscious and carried me out there). I remembered that at one point I had woken up, wanted to go to the bathroom or get something from inside, caught a glimpse of what I thought was them having sex, and went back outside. I mentioned it to Kiara and she had no memory of it whatsoever, she thought all she had done was gone to sleep. She was rightfully pissed the fuck off that her SD had taken advantage and done things with her while she was blacked, screamed at him, he gave us a half ass apology, and bought us more stuff (buying our silence). He finally flew home and we got to enjoy the trip with just each other, but I was careless with the dosage of a drug called tramadol, and I ODed with my head in her lap...I’m sorry. When I woke up I was hallucinating, hearing voices, crying hysterically and terrified. Kiara called my ex who asked how many mg I took, told us I was 100mg short of the amount that would require medical attention, made me laugh, and told me to go to sleep. I recognize how scary and unfair to her this was and I really do take responsibility for my actions. The day I was supposed to leave I did ecstasy, hooked up with a guy from Canada, and tried to skip my flight. She was mad because like yeah what the fuck. She got me on the flight, the ecstasy comedown hit, and there’s pictures of me crying in the airport because I hated when we fought.

I was supposed to stop in Miami, then fly back to my college town but while in Miami I texted my granny that I was “sad and really didn’t feel good and could she and my uncle visit me at the airport and bring my uncles dog?”. Her parenting instincts went off that something was very wrong, made me skip the flight, picked me up from the airport and took me to her house where I immediately threw up and ran an extremely high fever that night. She said it was one of the scariest nights of her life and she kept checking on me to see if I needed to go to the hospital. She drove me back to my college town where my guy best friend took me to the ER and it came out that Kiaras SD, in addition to giving me drugs, had also allowed me to drink Mexican tap water throughout the entire trip. I was treated for that + given chlamydia meds just in case since I’d had unprotected sex in a foreign country. I was fine, promised to do better, Kiara forgave me, things started to go back to normal. Except I had begun taking Xanax daily to deal with the anxiety of the illness...and she had a trip to Bali planned.

During that trip things managed to get even worse. She was there with her SD and another Korean friend and her SD was pressuring her and guilting her into sex, isolating her from her friend, going through her phone, and becoming extremely aggressive. She would call me crying and having panic attacks and I would walk out of class to try to comfort her over FaceTime. She did not have panic attacks before this trip. She begged to go home early because something was very wrong but he said it was a waste of money and kept her in Bali until the planned end of the trip. I think it was almost a month. She sent me a recording she secretly took of him screaming at her and her saying “don’t touch me, don’t grab me like that, leave me alone”. When she got back to the US I was begging her to stop. I was so worried for her safety. I said the money wasn’t worth it, we’ll get jobs, please just stop. I’m pretty sure he read those messages. We also had a suspicion that he had installed spyware on her phone but were never able to prove it. At this point I also reached out to my dad for help and his response was basically “I don’t care, not my problem, focus on school”. I reached out to my granny who absolutely cared, but her response was “I’m sorry but I can’t afford to support her, I have to focus on taking care of you, if she won’t stop this you’ll have to stop being friends with her”.

I went home to New York for winter break, suffered through my first round of Xanax withdrawal and was truly trying to get better but my ex manipulated his was back in my life and got me addicted again....but now this bottle of 90 had run out. I went back to my college town, got scripted, and was copping street bars when my script inevitably ran out early. What comes next is blurry for obvious reasons. We moved to the town in Florida my granny lived in and got an apartment together. The female friends she made in our town (my current home) she got most of them into sugaring and using SeekingArrangement. Things deteriorated super fast at this point. I was struggling hard, failing my online classes, and eventually got completely financially cut off by my parents. My granny was paying my half of the rent and my puppy’s vet bills but I was too embarrassed to admit I couldn’t afford groceries. Kiara was pressuring me hard to go on SeekingArrangement but I still refused. I would sit on the floor of the bathroom in a towel after I showered and just cry because the steam made me nauseous and dizzy since I wasn’t eating.

I met my current boyfriend and something just started to click: I didn’t wanna live like this anymore. The mom of a friend from this town who also refuses to sugar landed me an interview at the gym I currently work at, I fought for the job, and I got it. Now I knew I didn’t wanna be completely fucked up all the time anymore but I was still doing enough Xanax to keep me out of withdrawal. The 2mg that had blacked me out at the beginning were now just barely enough to keep me functional. Kiara and I were fighting frequently and bad by this time. She and her partner in sugaring, Mena (not her real name but pretty close to it, fuck this bitch fr) were expecting me to keep how they made their money a secret....from friends and guys that I saw every single day. They both very obviously did not work and were flexing new cars, designer clothes, and cash all over their social media. Kiara thought she could cover her ass by saying she dealt drugs but it was also obvious that she wasn’t putting the time into that to come up with the amount of money she had. The only one dealing drugs was me, and not enough to do anything flashy, just enough that in addition to my work money I was usually getting enough to eat. But there were still some times when the previous weeks paycheck had run out and I was having my first meal of the day at 3pm after someone had bought adderall from me. We had our serious serious fight where she threw my stuff in the lawn and I lived with my current boyfriend full time for about a couple weeks since my bedroom at my granny’s was getting refloored when this happened.

By January 20th he was concerned by my Xanax problem and wanted me to seriously try to stop. At the time I started tapering because I wanted the girlfriend title but I’m forever grateful for him giving me a reason, even if it was a shallow one, because I just needed to START. We tried to reconcile once, despite boyfriend and guy best friend begging me not to, and of course the same problems reappeared, we had another serious fight and haven’t spoken since.

Now the fog is clearing and today I’m 96 days clean of xanax, 16 days clean of all benzos, and 19 days clean of gabapentin (what was keeping me from having a seizure while quitting benzos). But it’s hard because being out of the fog means feeling all of my emotions, even the really bad ones. This past week I’ve been waking up and crying sitting in front of my mirror trying to put my makeup on for work and it just drips right off and I have to start over. She was my best friend for 8 years. My favorite person. My partner in life. I loved her more than anyone.

My boyfriend and guy best friend are pretty uncomfortable when they hear someone express an opinion of me that’s “Kiara’s side of the story” and I don’t correct it. Both of them saw exactly how bad it got near the very end and don’t get why I don’t defend myself more or tell people about her letting my dog eat dab (THC) wax while she was supposed to be watching her and having to be rushed to the animal hospital TWO separate times. (She’s a Pomeranian and the highly concentrated THC was super dangerous to her tiny little body). Yelling at me and giving me the silent treatment because less than 48 hours after my SA she expected me to drive her to a hair appointment in Miami and I woke up late and didn’t get her there on time with traffic. Me begging her to be there for me when it felt like everything was falling apart and I self harmed for the first time and her leaving me to go on a vacation to Orlando with a girl we didn’t even really like. Me not wanting to sleep in the apartment alone after my SA and her not letting me sleep in her bed anymore, her and Mena just dumping me at the neighbor’s so they could continue to sugar, party, and see guys our age at night (this sounds super awful but neighbors roommate —> current boyfriend. He kept me safe until I felt better, was really sweet and careful, and I was the one to make the first move). There’s more but I really don’t like talking about it, after the abuse she went through and I assume is still going through, I expect her to be pretty damaged and not have it in her to treat people right all the time. Not exposing every bad thing she’s ever done to all our mutual friends and acquaintances is kind of my last gift to her.

I also admit that sugaring wasn’t responsible for everything that went wrong. Loving an addict is difficult and exhausting and I went through it myself with my ex. I was also out bi and she was “probably straight, maybe a little bi-curious” in her words. But when she was drunk or on Xanax she’d kiss me first...we had done more than kiss but only during 3somes with a guy. I don’t know, I think I loved her more than I was supposed to and some of the stuff she’d say made me think she saw me in a way she really didn’t. When we first moved to this town I had a thing with a girl and expected it to be no big deal but things here were different than up north. I got called the d slur for the first time by someone who wasn’t joking. It was like getting slapped I was so shocked and hurt, I truly didn’t think that happened anymore. I think she saw what happened to me and kinda closed off that part of herself because she didn’t wanna experience that herself. She stopped making out with me at bars and parties after that and it made me sad and maybe a little jealous. But I really do blame her SD for basically “breaking her”, for handing me that first bottle of free Xanax, for a lot of other little things that I can’t possibly include because this is already way too long. This is my first time even saying this much. Feel free to add your own experiences or thoughts on this or anything you’d like. [I’m prepared to get death threats or called a SWERF or whatever but I don’t care, now that I started talking about this I’m not going to stop.]

#terf safe #terfs please touch #terfs please interact #radfem #radical feminists please touch #radical feminst #radical feminism #terf #swerfs please interact #swerf #anti prostitution #addiction #recovery #terfs do touch #sugardadddy

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