#its selfish but i hate to see you truly hurt i hate it. it makes me so violently angry. my brain turns off i cant help it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

noorpersona · 3 months

Text

For What It's Worth (Tsukishima x Reader Pt. 2)

It’s been a week since it happened.

A week since you’ve spoken to him.

Seven days since you felt his corrupt lips on you. Since you’ve felt his poisonous yet addictive hands.

The whole situation had been burned into your memory the minute you walked out of his door. Seven days you’ve been in complete emotional turmoil.

You’re nothing short of furious. You’re furious over the fact that all this happened over a stupid photograph, you’re furious that you allowed it to happen for so long, you’re furious that you can’t forget his stupid smirk. His figure leaning over yours, the look in his eyes making you see red. But for the most part, you’re furious over the fact that you can’t bring yourself to truly hate him.

You can’t hate Tsukishima Kei. No matter how hard you try. You can’t stop yourself from feeling your insides heat up when you remember his lips on your neck, your fingers combing through his hair. The tiny sounds he tried to repress when your lips were locked on his. The shivers that rake your body when you pass your fingers on the almost healed hickeys on your neck.

You’d be lying if you said that it hasn’t made you lose sleep.

But he lied. He lied through all of it. Kei didn’t like you. Hell, you doubt he even could even give you the time of day. That bastard only cared for himself. He’d do anything to win, to get what he wants. No matter who he hurts along the way.

He was selfish.

You don’t know why you’re so surprised now. It’s not like you didn’t know this fact. You’ve seen the way he interacts with others. Whether it be his classmates, his volleyball team, Yamaguchi, or even Akiteru. He never once cared for their feelings.

You can’t be around someone who treats other humans like that. You refuse to.

You’ve avoided him like the plague. You pretend like you don’t know who he is during school and lock yourself in your room at home. Tsukishima’s mother had come back a couple of days ago, so you had to say that you weren’t feeling well to avoid having dinner with them. You didn’t even talk to him for the rest of the project. Just sending your part of the work you had completed, and he took care of the rest. You’ll be forever grateful that you didn’t have to present that assignment. You really didn’t know how you would manage that. Of course, there were times when you would cross paths in the corridor, because to your dismay its impossible to avoid someone you live with, but you did your best to see right through him. You refuse to meet his eyes, to give him any sort of chance. He doesn’t deserve it.

Another week passes like this, then another and another. By the time a full month passes, it’s become routine. He doesn’t see you and you don’t see him, just like when you first started living with his family. Your anger has faded significantly over the course of the month, but there’s still some unchecked emotion swirling around in the deepest parts of your self conscious. Whether you want to believe it or not, Kei had become part of your life. A tiny one, but a part nonetheless, and without him, it almost seemed dull. Like something was missing from your day. Empty. You assume it’s because you never got closure from the situation.

Yeah, that’s why.

You’re thrown out of your thoughts when you hear your name called from a distance. You stop your exit from the building, when you see familiar friendly face waving in your direction. You feel a soft smile force it’s way on your face.

“Yamaguchi-kun, what are you doing here? Aren’t you going to be late for practice?” You ask as when he reaches your person. He rubs the back of his neck bashfully. “I told Tsukki to tell the others I was going to be late.” The sound of Tsukishima’s name leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. No matter how sweetly Yamaguchi can say it.

“Oh. Well, did you need something?”

“Yes. Actually, it’s about Tsukki.” You feel yourself tense up slightly. “I just figured you would be the best person to ask considering you’re around him the most.” Is that really how he saw it?

The thought gives you pause. You had to admit that from a distance it did look like you were close to Kei. Closer than others at least. You’ve talked during and between classes, sometimes waited for him to finish practice and walk home with him. If people didn’t witness the insults you used to constantly hurl at each other, and the glares of pure annoyance and hatred, they probably would have thought you two were friends.

Maybe even more.

You shake off the thought as you’re about to tell Yamaguchi that you haven’t spoken to Kei in a month, and that you know nothing about anything that has to do with him but decide last minute to hold your tongue. You were curious to say the least. What could be bothering the unbothered? “Is something wrong with him?” Yamaguchi looks off, thinking for a minute.

“Well, I’m not sure, that’s what I came to talk to you about. Over the past month he’s been acting off.” You tilt your head slightly.

“How so?”

“He’s been acting cold lately. More distant. Picking more fights with the rest of the team. He’s more irritable. He’s letting little things bother him.” Yamaguchi lists off. You snort slightly.

“Yamaguchi-kun, that’s how Kei usually acts. I’d start getting worried when he stops acting like that.” Yamaguchi gives you an uneasy look. “I still feel like somethings wrong. So do the rest of the team. Something is definitely bothering him. His performance in games is also being affected. It’s almost like he can’t focus.”

Could it be about before?

No… He couldn’t possibly be upset about what happened… Could he? You subconsciously shake your head. You can’t bring yourself to believe that he could. Kei was the reason all this shit happened in the first place. But, looking at the boy in front of you, you can feel your heart sink. Yamaguchi really was a good friend. You could see the genuine worry in his eyes as he spoke about Kei. You have no idea how Kei managed to gain a friend like him. One of the worlds greatest mysteries, you muse.

“I just wish he would talk to me.” Yamaguchi says, defeated. You wanted to say something, anything to help him out of his miserable state. You decide on one thing that minute.

You needed to talk to Kei. To tell him to get over himself and stop fucking over everyone around him. That whatever is going on with him needs to be dealt with him and him alone.

Maybe you could get that closure you wanted in the process…

“I’ll talk to him, Yamaguchi-kun.” You see Yamaguchi eyes flicker with something you could only assume was hope. He’s about to thank you when he hears the late bell ring. Yamaguchi turns his head to the school, obviously not expecting the conversation to last this long. “Go, I don’t want to hold you any longer. I’ll talk to him as soon as he gets home.” Yamaguchi flashes you a boyish smile, before shouting a quick thanks and jogging over to the gymnasium. You let out a sigh of relief as he jogs away.

During the walk home, you can’t help but feel a pit in your stomach.

The more you think about it, the more irritated you get as you wait patiently (or impatiently) for Kei to return. Kei’s mother had left once again, leaving just you and Kei in the house, like usual. Over the course of the months you had gotten used to being by yourself, so you really didn’t mind it anymore. However, by being constantly alone, you were left at the mercy of your thoughts.

And all of your thoughts were consumed by Kei.

It felt like all of the emotions you had laid to rest had come back in the few hours you were left alone. But you have self control, and unlike Kei, you’re able to keep your emotions in check.

You hear the sound of the front door opening and closing. Before everything happened, he’d usually announce his arrival, but now that you two aren’t speaking, he just enters and walks straight up to his room. You take a small breath. You can feel your heart thrum nervously as you try to catch up to him.

Well, it’s now or never.

“Oi.” You start, trying to sound unbothered as possible, when you’re anything but. You watch as he stops walking and turns around slowly. Kei gives you a look you can’t decipher, but you can tell that he’s surprised you’ve said anything to him. You don’t want to give him time to think about and get straight to the point. You want to be done as soon as possible and go back to ignoring him. But you hesitate under his stare, giving him an opening. His gaze hardens, as you watch the grip on his bags tighten. You stand your ground. You’ve seen and witnessed his micro aggressions firsthand; it’ll take a lot more than this to intimidate you.

The air around you two is tense. The emotions that were swept under the rug are out in the open, suffocating you.

“Well, this is interesting. Deciding to talk to me now? I’m so grateful you’ve chosen to bless me with your words.” His cold words are laced with so much venom and bitterness that you almost take a step back. You’ve never seen this before. The Kei you knew was always calm and collected, smart with his choices. Knew what to say and to do to play people right where he wanted to. This Kei seemed more… emotional? Unhinged?

You don’t know. But the look he’s giving you isn’t exactly filling you with confidence. Still, you stand strong. You won’t let this asshole make you vulnerable. He’s done it once before; you won’t let it happen a second time.

“Don’t get too happy. I don’t want to waste my breath talking to you. I’m only doing this because Yamaguchi is worried about you, and unlike you, I actually care about his feelings.” Kei looks away at the mention of his best friend. The tiny action brings you slight satisfaction. “He told me you’ve been acting off lately. Picking fights and acting like an all-around asshole. Now, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you need to get your shit together.” Kei scoffs, gazing down at you. Patronizing. Your fists clench.

“I don’t need you to tell me what to do.” He had said it with such coldness, you actually had to fight a shiver running down your spine.

“I wouldn’t have to if you acted like a decent fucking human.” You snap right back. Kei takes a step toward you. You don’t back away. He leans slightly, making it so you’re at eye level in a way that is so obviously condescending.

“Stop acting like you’re such an angel. It’s pissing me off.” His honesty surprises you, but you don’t let it show. You know Kei wasn’t easy to anger, so you knew you were getting somewhere. But, at the same time, his sentence bothers you.

From the very beginning, you always tried to be nice to people you’ve met here. You wouldn’t call it sucking up to others, but you were slightly nervous people wouldn’t like you. During your program that anxiety had faded, but being that Kei was the first person you met who was your age, he significantly decreased your confidence. So, in turn, when school started you were the kindest you could be, always studied the hardest you could, and so on. You had made a name for yourself, one that Kei didn’t seem to like.

“It’s easy to act like an angel when you’re the devil incarnate. And you have no right to say anything about my behaviour, you prick. I’m not the type of person to use others to get what they want. I’m not the type to bring others down to feel better about my sad sack of a life. And I’m definitely not the type that would take advantage of someone to win. So, I suggest you have a cold hard look in the mirror before you go criticizing me.” You bite, voice filled with anger. It’s like all the emotions you’ve held in the pits of your stomach are now flowing through your veins. Each item you list off is like rocks falling off your tense shoulders. You stand taller, move closer, and refuse your eyes to leave his.

The hall is quiet for a while, but it’s the loudest silence you’ve ever heard. So much tension and emotion hanging around in the air. You and Kei share a staring contest, both breathing slightly heavy. Even if you wanted to break the gaze, you couldn’t. Kei’s hard glare had so much emotion, so much that you couldn’t figure out. You can’t help but bring your mind back to when this moment felt a little too familiar…

You wait for Kei’s reply, knowing that not even demons straight from the pits of hell can stop Kei from saying something, anything, back. But to your utter surprise and disbelief, he backs away. You can’t hide your confusion as he stays silent, lips in a thin line and a look in his eyes you can’t make out, as he turns around and walks away. You stand there, slightly gawking as you watch him retreat up the stairs. Brain frozen until you heard the door to his bedroom close.

…

What the fuck just happened?

Did Tsukishima Kei, THE Tsukishima Kei, just walk away from an argument? Without an insult, or even a sarcastic comment?

Did you just win?

…

It doesn’t feel like you’ve won.

You can’t help but still feel… Off. You had gotten what you wanted. To say something and have him be silent, but it’s definitely not as satisfying as you expected it to be. Not like the hours you used to spend daydreaming about a moment like this. You felt empty. Like you were expecting more.

To have him care enough to respond.

You feel tears start to well up in your eyes.

Never in a million years, would you have expected this.

You were crying over Kei. Over that sick bastard.

Why did you feel like this? Why did you feel so disappointed when you watched him walk away? You shouldn’t need him to care. You don’t.

So why are you so sad?

You put your face in your hands, willing the need to scream out your frustrations to leave.

Even like this, he still wins.

It’s been a couple days since your talk with Kei. You had pushed down all of your newly found feelings right back down into the depths of your soul.

Like that worked so well last time.

You were done with him once more. You didn’t want to have to deal with these new feelings. Or him in general.

Just a fresh start. Without Kei in the picture.

You had expected things would be exactly the same with him. He’d ignore you and you’d ignore him. Like clockwork. But ever since your argument, the atmosphere around you two has changed. Into what, you weren’t sure, but it was definitely off-putting.

And extremely frustrating.

The very next day after your argument, Yamaguchi had told you that whatever you said to Kei must’ve worked, because he’s started to return to his old self, (Whatever that means). And while you were happy to see Yamaguchi smiling, you weren’t able to get the pit in your stomach to leave.

New problems you didn’t expect were starting to arise.

Whenever you and Kei had the displeasure of being in the same area, you’d feel his eyes on you. Staring at you. His eyes locking onto you in a way that left you utterly confused, and completely flushed at the same time. You couldn’t help your heart beat a little faster every time you saw him in the halls of his house, or at school.

You weren’t able to stop the pulse of heat that would rush through your body either.

Either way, to say you were a little displeased with this advancement would be an understatement. But, what could you do? Just march up to him and tell him to stop staring?

Normally you would. But with what happened last time, you were a lot more than hesitant. You’d dig your own grave and bury yourself alive before having the tiniest chance of crying in front of Kei. That was more than your worst nightmare.

So, you decided the only possible solution was to get your mind off him. Just like the previous month, you’d go back to acting like he didn’t exist. If you could do it once, you could do it again.

You were feeling confident about your plan. At least until someone up in the heavens decided to completely fuck you over just for the hell of it.

It was the end of school day, and while most of the students rushing out the doors eagerly, excited that they had the rest of the day to themselves, you were clearing out your entire locker frantically. Each second passing with you getting more and more nervous of the outcome you hoped to any of the Gods that wouldn’t happen.

Oh God, please tell me I didn’t do this…

Yes, you did. You had lost the keys to the house. You almost punch a hole in the nearest wall, but you do slam your head against your locker. What did you do to deserve this?

You take a couple of deep breaths, trying to find any other possible solution then asking Kei for his keys. Maybe… picking the lock? Or popping a window opening? You sigh heavily. Who were you kidding? You could barely open your phone most of the time. You weren’t exactly keen to brandish your breaking and entering skills. To make matters even worse, all of your friends either had clubs or had already went home. You were far too awkward to call them up and ask if you could crash their night, and far too tired to wait for those who had clubs up until eight at night.

You let out an agonized whine, seeing no other option other than to drag yourself to the boy’s gym. As you approach you could hear sounds of boys screaming and laughing. They must still be stretching, as you hear no noises of balls slamming into the ground. You take a deep breath as you stand in front of the doors. Just get in, take what you need and get out. Even though you keep repeating that mantra in your head, you still found yourself on the other side of the doors, too nervous to open them.

“Could you let me through please?” You hear a soft voice from behind you. You whip around to find a rather beautiful looking third year. She must be their manager. You didn’t realize you were staring until seconds later. “Oh, yes. Sorry about that.” You give a nervous chuckle as you move out of the way. She walks up the stairs gracefully and goes to open the doors but stops, turning to you.

“Did you need something?” You tense up slightly at the question, “I need to talk to Kei.” You somehow managed to say evenly. The third year looks at you confused for a second, before her eyes light up in realization. “You mean Tsukishima-kun?” You nod. You usually forgot that most people (Well, everyone apart from his family) called him by his last name. Everyone except you. You pause now, thinking about it.

Why did you call him by his given name?

Why did he let you?

“Follow me then.” You were about to tell her that you really didn’t want to, but she slid the doors open with practiced ease. She walks in, ignoring two particularity rowdy voices yelling ‘Kiyoko-san!’, as she motions you to follow her. You gulp, and not wanting to disrespect a senior, you duck your head to enter the gym in shame. All eyes are suddenly on you, curious. Your heart beats slightly faster under the eyes of the team. You were never good at being in the spotlight. You manage to glance in Kei’s direction.

If looks could kill, you’d probably be six feet under the ground right about now.

He always made it clear that he didn’t want you anywhere near the gym when he was practicing, making sure that if you had to wait for him, he’d make you wait in the library.

You never understood why, but you didn’t question it.

“Tsukishima-kun. Someone’s here to talk to you.” Kiyoko spoke for you, only adding to the embarrassment that was this situation. All eyes that were on you, snapped to Kei’s form. On the outside he appeared unbothered, but his eyes spoke the true annoyance he was feeling. He makes no sound as he briskly walks to you, grabbing your wrist quite tightly, making you wince, letting a hushed hiss escape your mouth as he practically drags you out of the gym. The second you leave everyone’s prying eyes, you whip your hand anyway from him, practically snarling at him. “That hurt, asshole.” He makes no comment at that, only glaring at you.

“Why are you here?” He sounded genuinely frustrated. Join the club pal.

“I lost my keys.” He scoffs. “I’m failing to see how that’s my problem.” You clench your fists. You really didn’t think this through. What were you expecting? For him to be a nice guy and hand you his keys? Willingly? Yeah, right.

Well you aren’t giving up without a fight.

“It’ll be your problem when you find your window smashed in.” Empty threats, and Kei knows it. Kei sighs tiredly, and it only makes you more upset.

“Listen, either wait until my practice is over, or figure it out. Why don’t you go and ask one of your little friends? I’m sure they’d love to have you.” He spits out the last part, and you narrow your eyes at his pettiness.

“Oh, trust me. I wouldn’t have come to you if I had any other choice. But sadly, here I am talking to you. Now, you could do us both a favour if you could just stop being an all-around jackass for once and let me borrow your damn keys.” You try to say without hitting his very punchable face. Succeeding, you add. Kei only rolls his eyes, “Tempting, but I’ll pass. I’ll text you when I’m done. If you’ll excuse me.” He smirks that god-awful smirk, before walking back to the gym, leaving you enraged. You go to attempt to say something but find yourself at a loss for words.

Why even try?

You clicked your tongue in annoyance. Fuck him. Was your only thought as you left the school grounds.

No way in hell were you waiting for him. You doubt you could even look at him without sending him to the emergency room.

This is going to be the death of you if things continue like this.

You took your sweet time walking your way back to the house. Admiring the changing colours of the trees, stopping by the convenience store. After all, you did have a couple hours to kill while you wait for the asshole to come back from practice. You had only wasted two hours by the time you reached the house. The time you had spent trying to get your mind off him only left you more frustrated. He really knew how to piss you off.

Yes, it was your fault that you had lost your keys, and he didn’t necessarily have to give his to you, but what harm could it have done? What did he expect you to do? Lock him out of the house? You pause. Not a bad idea. Your thoughts only continue as you cursed the existence that is Tsukishima Kei, and sat outside the steps of the house, pulling out your phone and start playing around with it, trying to forget about the slight wind chill that comes with the start of Fall. You sat there, trying to cover your legs from the wind blowing past them. Every time you got a strongest burst of wind, you thought back to Kei.

I hope a volleyball smashes him in the face. A smile finds it way onto your face as you think of that. As time passes, boredom fills you as you feel yourself getting slightly drowsy. Being angry really wasn’t helping you conserve your energy. You felt your eyes getting heavier with every passing second. It wouldn’t be a problem if you closed them for a bit, would it?

Apparently, it would.

You don’t even realize that you’ve dozed off, being woken by a buzzing in your pocket, your shivers and a dark night sky. God, how long had it been?

Groggily, you answer your phone, sleep clouding the need to read the caller ID. “Hello?” Your voice was surprisingly hoarse. Probably from lack of use.

“Where are you? You aren’t in the library and I’ve searched everywhere.” You could only pinpoint that aggressive tone to one person.

“K-kei?”

“Where the fuck are you?” Normally, you would’ve come back with something, but you were far too tired to think of anything smart to say. “I’m outside the house.” You hear him curse under his breath. “I’ll be there in ten minutes.” And with that, he hangs up.

You sit there, slightly dazed before shivering. The night sky wasn’t keeping you as safe from the brisk wind like the sun did, and you were still in your school uniform, which consisted of a light sweater and a skirt. You removed your phone from your ear, only to be blinded by the notifications blocking your phone screen.

You had twenty-five missed called from Kei, and more that thirty messages. You scroll through them.

**I’m finished with practice. **

You aren’t in the library, where are you?

**Seriously, answer me. **

where are you?

God damnit answer my calls

I swear if you’re at home

I’m coming home and if you’re not there, you will be sorry

You furrow your brows as you scroll through the rest of them. Was he… Worried about you?

Your thoughts are cut off by severe shaking. Damn it was cold. You take your sweater off, leaving you in short selves, to cover your legs. You figured it was better than nothing, but it did leave your arms to the strong winds. You curse outwardly.

After a couple minutes, you see the asshole himself, jog towards you, face slightly red and panting heavily. Was he running? You don’t think too much about it as you hear the heavenly noises of the keys jingling.

“Idiot. I told you to wait for me.” Kei breathes out, you scoff at him calling you an idiot. “You said w-wait or figure it o-o-out.” You cringe at how vulnerable you sound. The stutter definitely doesn’t help. He huffs out a sarcastic laugh. “And this is figuring it out?”

“S-s-shut up and open th-the damn d-door.” He doesn’t respond as he finally manages to open the door. You let out a breath of relief as you try to get up, only to have your knees buckle; sitting down in the crouch position you were in plus the cold weren’t exactly the best for your joints. You almost fall but feel warm hands grip your waist to prevent it. Your head turns to find Kei’s extremely close, staring down at you. The same expression he wore when you glance at him looking at you. You feel your face slightly flush as you step away and walk through the doors, welcoming the warmth of the house. You hear Kei walk in after you, closing the door behind him.

A few seconds of silence pass before another violent shiver passes through you. Guess it’ll take a little more than the house to warm you up. You hear a sigh, before feeling those warm hands grip your wrist for the second time today. This time was a lot gentler than the last. Your brain freezes as Kei pulls you to the living area and sits you down on the couch before leaving to retrieve something from the other room. “Just when I thought you couldn’t get any stupider. You go and pull shit like this.” You hear his slightly distant voice, and you grit your teeth. This asshole just couldn’t help himself, could he?

You go to defend yourself when you feel something warm and fluffy lay on top of you. Kei had just thrown a blanket on you. All comebacks die in your throat as he turns to you and fixes the blanket to make sure not a single area of skin is exposed. Kei makes sure to not meet your eyes when he’s satisfied with his job.

“Stay here. I’m going to make some tea.” You’re at a loss for words as he turns to the kitchen.

Are you in some sort of parallel universe or something?

Was Kei… Taking care of you? Maybe he just feels bad because he left you in the cold, but still. You had never seen this side of him before.

This boy was just full of surprises. Whenever you thought you had seen it all, he comes back with more.

Confusion swirls your thoughts, but your broken out of it when you see Kei walk back into the room with a tray. It consisted of two cups of tea and two servings of strawberry shortcake. Kei’s favourite food. You remember the day you found out it was his favourite food, you remember the teasing and the laughs, with Kei turning slightly pink and telling you to shut up.

You’d be lying if you said you didn’t miss those days.

“Surprised you’re still here. You usually have trouble following simple instructions.” He jabs, as he sets your tea and cake on a table in front of you. You narrow your eyes at him. “Well I did make a promise to the never follow the Devil.” You find it hard to say your comebacks with your usual venom. He only rolls his eyes in response. Kei sits across the table on the floor, having his portions in front of him. He stares at you. “Eat.”

Usually, you would’ve said no, because you hated listening to him, but you were starving. The snacks from the convenience store could hold you for so long. “How do I know this isn’t poisoned?” You ask, suspicious. He couldn’t be this nice to you for no reason, there has to be a catch. Kei doesn’t even look up at you as he responds, “If I had that, I wouldn’t waste it on you, that’s for sure.” You click your tongue, and with half hearted annoyed look, you go and take a sip from your tea. Surprisingly, Kei did know how to make some good tea. You felt the it go down smoothly, warming you from the inside out. And the strawberry short cake wasn’t at all bad either; a little sweet for your taste, but you’ll take it.

The two of you ate in silence, the tension getting to be too much for you until you decide to break it. You had decided that minute that things needed to change. You couldn’t take this anymore. You needed the truth. “I don’t understand you.” You can’t manage to look at him, poking at the rest of your cake, but you know he’s looking at you.

“You go from not wanting to talk to me, to annoying the hell out of me, to ignoring me again and now this. I just don’t get it. What do you what from me? I need to know, because if things keep going on like this, I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it.” A beat of silence follows your speech.

“I don’t want anything from you.”

The evenness of his voice makes a piece of your heart break. You didn’t know he had the power to destroy you with a simple sentence until he just did. You could tell that you had somewhat of a deranged smile plastered on your face. Something akin to disbelief and pain. You take a deep and shaky breath in. “You know, for someone who ‘doesn’t want anything from me’, you sure do go the extra mile to include yourself a whole lot in my life.” Kei remains silent, and for some reason that sets you off even more.

You’ve come to realize that you despise when he does that. That you’d much rather have him bite back or snarl an insult at you, when just a month ago you would’ve given anything to have him rendered mute.

Maybe its because it gives an easy reason to hate him. But right now, he’s given you more than enough.

“So, if you don’t want anything from me, why do you go so out of your way to bother me? Make me so angry I want to rip your head off? Make fun of anything that has to do with me? Stare at me every time you get a chance?” You’ve stood up now, throwing the blanket off you in the process, voice getting louder with ever question. You were no longer cold; Instead, overheating with frustration. But you weren’t even close to be done. You chuckle humorlessly.

Kei just sits and listens to you, face blank and unable to read. The look causes tears to well in your eyes, but you will them with all your life to not let them drop.

You don’t even have the time to try and stop the next words that come out of your mouth.

“Why did you kiss me, if you don’t want anything from me?” You hear your voice crack at the last question. You were beyond furious at this point, and your rage had caused you the throw out the real reason you were upset. The real reason behind all of it. The reason you had tried to hide so badly from yourself.

When Kei had kissed you, you liked it. And you were devasted that he didn’t.

You liked Tsukishima Kei. You liked that sarcastic asshole. And there was nothing good about it. At the epiphany, you can’t stop the slightly strained laughs that escape you.

What a ridiculous situation you’ve gotten yourself into.

“I should’ve left the night it happened right? I should’ve known that since you hate me with your entire existence, of course you’d choose the one thing that would cause me the most emotional turmoil. Well congratulations! I no longer want anything to do with you! You’ve won, okay?! You’ve gotten me to fall for you, and subsequentially ruin me!” You laugh at little more, not even realizing the tears falling down your face.

There’s a long silence between you two, only being filled with your heavy breaths. You wait a couple seconds for a response, an apology (yeah right), simply anything. But he stays silent, not even giving you the courtesy of looking you in the eye.

At the feeling of tears warming your cheeks, you turn and attempt to go to your room, mortified that your literal worst nightmare is occurring.

When you for the umpteenth time today feel a hand grab at your wrist, pulling you with a force. A sense of urgency.

You turn to him to immediately feel his lips on yours. Your eyes widen in surprise. With a sense of Déjà vu, you feel your entire body freeze.

His lips are forceful on yours, like he’s putting every emotion he’s ever felt into that kiss. It was quite literally searing, as if you feel your lips burn. And despite every rational part of your mind screaming at you to slap him, bite him, kick him in the balls or any other action that would result in him backing away from you…

You find yourself kissing him back with an equal amount of ferocity. Even going as far as to forcefully deepen the kiss. On your terms, unlike the last time. You can’t stop the moan that enters his mouth when you feel his tongue rub on yours.

You him groan through the haziness. Whether in satisfaction or surprise, you’re not sure. But all you’re sure of, is that you could never get enough of that sound. Your fingers go to rub his neck, then travelling into the soft curls of his hair, tugging hard whenever you felt he wasn’t close enough. You feel his hands, the hands you’ve thought about for nights on end, going to wrap around your waist and under your shirt, lightly pressing into the small of your back, which causes a heavy shudder to go down the length of your spine. You could feel the pride ebbing of him in waves, to much he earns a rather harsh tug.

When you both pull back for air, a string of saliva following you both, you find his long but strong arms wrapped around your waist, and yours his neck, pulling each other closer. Silence is filled by both of your pants.

“Still want nothing to do with me?” He asks, foreheads still leaning on each other; Still so close you can feel is breath on your cheek. Only amplified by the tear streaks. You continue to close your eyes as you pull away further, cheeks heated and red, knowing full well that he’s got you right where he wanted.

“You… Are such an asshole.” You breathe out, yet still choosing to remain in his arms. He rolls his eyes. “And you’re a bitch.” His tone was so smug, like he had just won the lottery. You couldn’t help but threaten him with attempting to remove his hands from your waist, to which he applies strength to his hold, keeping you in his arms.

You’re almost scared at how your heart flutters at the action. You scoff, ignoring your feelings of dread at how easy he managed to get you back in his hold.

You were certain that this man would be the death of you. The thought brings a sort of clarity to you.

“Where do we go from here?” You ask, still slightly breathless. Kei only gives you an indifferent shrug.

“I know what I want to do.” He mumbles, taking his hands once again and sliding them under your shirt, feeling his calloused fingertips on your back. You immediately grab his wandering hands. He sighs at you stopping him, giving you that look of ‘what an inconvenience’ again.

Even in moments like these, he still manages to irritate you.

“You’ve done way too many things for that to be your choice tonight.” You say, only seriousness in your tone. You’ve acknowledged your feelings sure, but that doesn’t mean you’ll do what he wants when he’s screwed you over like this. You refuse to be used like that.

“You hurt me, Kei. In more ways than one. A simple kiss won’t fix anything. If you want us to be on better terms, you need to start by showing that you’re sorry.” Kei gives you look that you can’t decipher, before letting go of you to fix his glasses that were starting to slide down his face.

“What do you want me to do?” Honestly, you were taken aback by his abruptness. You didn’t expect him to agree so soon. You didn’t even know what to say.

“I’m not sure yet.” You reply honestly, and he gives you an annoyed gaze, to which you narrow your eyes. “That’s something you’ll need to figure out on your own, but you need to start with changing your attitude towards me.” To your surprise he takes in what you were telling him, and nods. Then immediately goes to leave the room. You sputter and jog after him.

“Where are you going?”

“To figure it out. I’ll be doing that for the rest of the night so make sure to tidy up the living room.” You hear his voice distantly, to which you turn to the living room, remembering the plates, cups and blanket that was now your responsibility.

“I can’t believe I like that asshole.” You grit to yourself, beginning the process of cleaning up.

~~ Bonus:

You finally finish cleaning up the living room, and retreat to your bedroom practically flopping on your bed. You realize that you were still in your school uniform, so you groaned as you got up to get dressed into for bed. When you go to your dresser trying to find something to sleep in, you find something that isn’t yours on top of it. It was a large black binder.

Curious, you pick it up and sit back down on your bed. You open it and find a small note at the beginning.

Show this to the team and I’ll kill you.

You flip through the first couple of pages. It was a photo album.

Tens and tens of photos with Kei as a child. The same child that makes your heart swell three sizes bigger. A lot of volleyball related photos, and a lot of ones with him and Akiteru. You flip through more and more, feeling the biggest smile on your face.

You didn’t go to sleep for a while, you wanted to commit each photograph to memory.

For what it’s worth, Tsukishima Kei did have hope. Whether he knows it or not.

#fanfic #writing #haikyuu #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima kei #hq anime #humour #slight angst #hq x reader #hq

64 notes · View notes

crazyexdirkfriend · 11 months

Note

Hi Tony i want to ask something of you. In fanon more often than not i see Jake becoming slightly more unhinged and unnerving as he gets older. Do you think this would hpapen canonically? Or are all these fanartsits and writers just projecting what they want from jake on jake

This isn't a hate on it by the way, I just realised the other day I see more often the idea of Jake becoming more unnerving as he gets older alongside Dirk and that i'd accepted it and I'm unsure if its canonically viable or not.

I actually think the nature of Jake is that people project what they want on to him-- be you an author, an audience, or a character within the text. It's an interesting concept because Jake is a character who is never afforded free will and even in fanfiction and transformative works made to give Jake free will, he's still a character doing an author's bidding ultimately.

There's a bit in Meat that discusses this with Calliope and Dirk iirc. Calliope wants Jake to have free will, but Dirk argues that Jake is incapable of free will. And truly, even on a metatextual level, the existence of a narrative voice renders basically everyone, but especially Jake, incapable of free will within a narrative.

I don't know if you've seen Revolutionary Girl Utena, but there's an exchange in Utena that I believe they're referencing intertextually here between Utena and Touga about Anthy. Utena insists that Anthy does not want to be the rose bride, and Anthy confirms this. But when Touga defeats Utena and takes Anthy as the rose bride himself, Anthy claims being the rose bride is all she's ever wanted. Touga then says Anthy is incapable of free will and her expressions of "wanting to be a normal girl" when with Utena were just Utena projecting her own wants on to Anthy and claiming them to be free will.

(pinch of salt, I haven't rewatched Utena in a few years, but this is how I remember the scene)

In many ways, this is what Calliope, and us as authors, do to Jake, and what in text Dirk is criticising as a concept. He's like, well I'm projecting my desires and wants on to Jake and you say that's bad but at least I'm being honest about it. I'm treating Jake like a puppet, but that's all he's ever going to be anyway.

Er. I think I've got wildly off topic from your actual question.

I think getting older in many ways is realising that being 14 is a state of mind and that's just who you occasionally are for the rest of your life. So yeah, I think ageing does come with this element of derangement. I have a lot of thoughts about Jake as effectively this ageing child star, put on a pedestal on Earth-C at 16 and it becoming insidious, exploitative.

Jake is self aware of his lack of agency on a literal level within the narrative, perhaps even of the narrative itself-- like a gilded bird cage of his own making and he probably could slip out between the bars but then who would he be, where would he go, would everyone hate him and abandon him? He'll just stay trapped, stay pretty on display, stay hurt until everyone probably leaves anyway because an audience is a very very fickle thing.

And I think that does sort of lead to an angle for me of Sunset Boulevard, tearing the yellow wallpaper, the starlet breakdown. Which is the depressing, almost Swift approach to it. And then you have the Ultimate Jake approach to it, the Snap. And yeah, I think historically Jake takes and takes and takes and bends and bends and bends and is called selfish for that and eventually that would snap anyone. If on top of that, he's aware of Dirk's actions and of the narrative, of being on display constantly even if he escapes that little bird cage, if the only way to ensure people stop fucking looking at him is to destroy the audience itself-- yes, I would accept that story as viable for his character.

183 notes · View notes

aspoonofsugar · 5 months

Note

So what are your thoughts on kana now having black holes in her eyes instead of a galaxy? and did you ever think we would ever get dark kana? because i was honestly surprised aka gave her that because i thought the dark eyes will be for the hoshino's only

I had not noticed, but you are right! Her eyes do look like black holes here...

In general, I think Dark Kana is necessary for Kana to grow and I am excited about this development. As I have written here:

If Kana wants to shine, she needs to experience shadows. If she wants to have healthy bonds with others, she needs to discover and accept their darkness. She is slowly going through this process.

I talk about others' darkness, but for Kana to start exploring her own shadows makes a lot of sense:

According to Jung, the shadow is what people repress and ignore, like Kana's negative feelings towards Ruby. These emotions are not only about Ruby, though, but rather they are about Kana's own acting career. As a matter of fact Kana's whole arc is about her rediscovering her own selfishness and need to shine:

As a child, Kana shines so brightly that she dazzles everyone. Still, she has a difficult personality, so she is left behind once she grows up. As a result, she matures and learns to work well with others, even if it means she has to sacrifice her own light for everyone's sake. Both Aqua and Akane notice this and try to help her shine again, in their own ways. Still, before Kana can truly explode in a bright galaxy, she should explore her darkest self and learn about others' darkness. It is not by chance that she starts this journey by trying Akane's acting approach:

Akane acts by looking inside. She analyzes her character and empathizes with her, so that she can become a new person and play naturally every part. Basically, Akane plunges into people's shadows with no fear. Kana here is doing the same. She is stepping into Nino's darkness and by doing so she is discovering new things about herself:

This is important on multiple levels:

Psychologically, Kana is facing the heart of her trauma. She faces her feelings of jealousy, which are the result of her low self-esteem born from the belief she isn't enough.

Plot-wise, she is becoming Nino, as Ruby is becoming Ai. Considering Nino is probably involved in Ai's death, it is possible Kana's link with Nino will lead to new discoveries.

Thematically, this movie is about understanding Ai, live her story again, but change its ending. From Ai's tragedy to the twins' happy ending. Nino and Ai's relationship could never be mended, while Kana and Ruby's will. Kana is right now surrounded by darkness, but she will escape them and shine once again. She will restore her friendship with Ruby and help her.

Finally, Kana's choice to show her true feelings to Ruby makes her similar to Ai:

In the end, Kana hurting Ruby is just an attempt to love her. Even when she is showing her friend her genuine negative feelings, she is doing so to help Ruby grow. Kana who never feels loved is right now trying to show love in the wrong way. Just like Ai is a person who was never loved and could not love. Kana is wrapping herself in a lie, just like Ai did. It is just that Ai's lie was "love", while Kana's one is "hate".

Kana is currently growing as an actress because she is experiencing lies and how complex and intertwined with truth they can be. It is not pretty, but it is necessary both for her art to bloom and for her to eventually be able to see the truth about her loved ones. Ruby, Aqua and Akane. Only in this way she can go back to shine brightly for them.

On another note, I wonder if instead Akane will grow in the opposite reaction by trying a more reactive and "bright" kind of acting. I think she should as she has many pieces of information that if shared could help save Aqua.

Thank you for the ask!

#oshi no ko #onk #onk meta #oshi no ko meta #asksfullofsugar #kana arima #anonymous #my meta

53 notes · View notes

six-phantom · 1 year

Text

Why would you ever kiss me?

~Vash the Stampede x reader~

"I wish I was Heather"

Oh, how much you love him. He didn’t know how you heart beat just at the mere sight of him. How much you love when that blue eyes look at you in the most soft and caring way. How his smile bright your entire day. How his body feels so warm when yours was so cold. You love the sound of his laugh. How much you love his kind heart. Oh, how much you desire to be the one he call “love”.

You was head over heels for Vash, you didn’t notice when this happen, but you were not complaining. Loving him was so easy. So warm. Like being exposed to the light of the sun when you were completely frozen in one place. You wanted to tell him. You wanted to call him “yours” and that he call you “his”. But you simply can’t. Vash already have so many issues in his life. You didn’t want to disturb him with your feelings. To make thigs awkward between both of you if he didn’t feel the same. To lose him because you can’t control that stupid heart of yours. So, you decide for him and for you…Being by his side was enough for you to be happy.

So then, why?

Why?

Why were you so sad? Why were you so jealous? Why you just can’t look to another place when you see the way Vash looks at Meryl, like she was the person who paint the stars in the sky? Why can’t be you?

Before, was only Vash and you, running away together. He found you, and for whatever reason you decide to stick with him. The best decision you made in your entire life… Until they found you. That drunk old man, that priest, and that…Incredible girl who stole Vash from you. You really can’t hate her. She was so caring and kind, she was kind enough even with the priest!... She was also so beautiful, that dark short hair of hers, that little figure of hers making her looks so adorable, that dark blue eyes. She even looks better in that red jacket. You remember the time he would give it to you. In one of that many nights you both spend together, when you were denying being cold, but he patiently insists that you used it.

When you catch how Vash was feeling about her, how his eyes were always looking for her, how when the five of you make it alive from a battle, she was the first person he was looking for, its hurts you…It burns your soul, it breaks your heart into pieces, it makes you sick just the mere sight of them together. How cruel he was, asking you for a way to express his feeling to her, to another woman. A woman that it wasn’t you. And what did you do? You help him. Why? Well, you said it was enough to be by his side, right? You wanted to see him happy. You wanted that his smile would always be honest. You desire the best in the world for Vash.

And when they got together? You cry. You cry tears you didn’t think you have. You were so selfish. This is what you wanted, don’t you? Just look at him. Look how his eyes are shinning, how his smile is bigger than before. You knew Meryl would take good care of him. She was what he needs.

So, you decide to let him go.

When the priest said that he was going to another direction, you insist in follow him. He didn’t want you to come along at first, but the way you desperately whisper to him “Please…”, make him understand your desire to be away from this place. So, he takes you with him. And Vash didn’t want that. Why would you want to go with him? You were not happy with them? He didn’t want to let you go. You were his first truly friend, you spend at least two years together fighting side by side. He thought you would be always with him. He wanted to ask you to stay with them…With him. But the words where cut in his throat, as he watch you leave with Wolfwood.

#vash x reader #nick wolfwood #vash the stampede #trigun #meryl stryfe #roberto de niro #one sided pining #nicholas d. wolfwood #angst #no comfort

136 notes · View notes

m4rs-ex3 · 10 months

Text

lines so? fucking raw? i cant believe theyre from tdp

"lots of things are hard. like magic, but you figured that out didn't you?" "...yeah. somehow relationships seem harder."

"history demands nothing! i make history. it does not make me."

"we all want peace and we all want love, but violence tests us. in a twisted way it converts us to its cause. because pain and loss feel so terrible inside, you want to hate. you want to hurt someone else... people are still hurting, and they are still angry. we can't ignore that. or pretend it will go away. somehow we have to hold it all in our hearts at the same time. we have to acknowledge the weight of pain and loss, but open up our eyes and allow ourselves to hope and maybe forgive and love again."

"we gain nothing if we throw away the chance to learn and grow."

"back then, when i was just a little one, the other elves saw me as a doe. but i knew. i always knew, that i was a buck. i chose [this] name." 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️

"i'm a mess" "no, you're not. it's okay."

"you're too good to feel this bad about yourself."

"most people believe that reality is truth and appearances are deceiving. but those of us who know[,] understand we can only truly trust the appearance itself. you can never touch the so-called reality that lies just beyond the reach of your own perception."

"it seems i am a crown without and adult, and you're an adult without a crown."

"justice [is] more than fair decisions and fair consequences. true justice [is] a fair system. the blindfold gives us a way to test the system. that i should use it to imagine i had not been born yet, and that i did not know if i would be born rich or poor, what color my skin would be, what culture or practices my family would have. that a fair system should be fair no matter the accident of my birth. that the rights, and laws, and opportunities within the system should stand to protect and empower everyone."

"i've had his letter for a few days now, but i-i just can't bring myself to open it. i don't know. i know it sounds crazy, but it's like, right now, there are words he hasn't said to me, and they're all right in there. they're just waiting to come to life. but then once i read it... once i read the last word... then he'll really be gone. forever."

"i know i'm not your birth father, but in my eyes and in my heart, you are my son. i see myself in you. i'm proud of you. and i love you unconditionally."

"the great lie of history. advisers and scholars will tell you that history is a narrative of strength. they will recount stories of the rise and fall of nations and empires. they will be stories of armies, battles, and decisive victories. but this isn't true strength. it's merely power. i now believe true strength is found in vulnerability... in forgiveness, in love. there is a beautiful, upside-down truth, which is that these moments of purest strength appear as weakness to those who don't know better."

"i've tried to be selfless as a king, but, as a father, i have a selfish wish. and that is for you to be free. reject the chains of history. do not let the past define your future, as i did. free yourself from the past. learn from it, understand it, then let it go. create a brighter future from your own hearts and imagination."

"sweet words can be more dangerous than hidden daggers."

"i feel so overwhelmed with everything, i-i have so many thoughts, things racing through my head." "sometimes you just need to focus on the present, take a deep breath, and just be. sometimes, things can get so complicated that our minds can't quite sort them out alone. but when you slow down and let yourself breathe, your spirit and your body can catch up with your mind, and help out."

"to know something truly, and deeply, you must know it with your head, hand, and heart. mind, body, and spirit. i love you with all of myself, and i always will."

"i think i've heard about this... a philosophy of accepting you are already dead... so you will not fear death. what a beautiful challenge you've given me. i must come up with something you will fear... more than death."

"we're all a mess sometimes. me? i'm usually a mess."

"there is a cycle in the world. life and death. it is at the core of all things. the moon embodies this cycle. bit by bit it will fade away: then bit by bit it will brighten. death is frightening. birth can be as well. yet they are two things that connect us all. kings and commoners, rich and poor, elf and human--each one is equally vulnerable in the beginning and in the end. let that fact be humbling. let it bind us together. remember that as life inevitably leads to death, so also does life come from death. this is a cycle, not an ending. for those you have left behind, think on all they have given you. for those who will come after you, think on all you will give to them. know that you are always connected."

"white lies are illusions you build with your words to protect the hearts of those you love."

"they're gone. i'm never going to be okay with that, but i guess i have to face it."

"you're not doing this without me. i let you jump into [there] alone and i knew right away i made the biggest mistake of my life. i could have lost you. we do this together. don't try to change my mind." hindsight is a bitch

"i like being alive."

plsplspls rb with urs

#how does callum's stupid ass always manage to say exactly what i need to hear #tdp #the dragon prince #also harrow wtf were you on holy shit

67 notes · View notes

maaarshieee · 1 year

Text

⎯⎯ ୨ Scars 2 ୧ ⎯⎯

ੈ♡˳ Il Dottore x Gn!Reader *ೃ༄

ੈ♡˳ 0.6k words ┊ Fluff *ೃ༄

ੈ♡˳ Masterlist *ೃ༄

author's note ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

FOR @au-starss <3333 i already have a fic titled scars and since i wanted to deliver this to u p fast, i couldn't think of something else HDGSHAJDSA,, also double upload 🥴 hope tumblr dont shadowban me.. you weren't specific what kinda scars so i kinda went with everything AHAHAHA, extra soft dottore? this is how i view my dottore btw... ;)

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ cw: canon typical violence, basic dottore warnings, injuries, blood, kinda suggestive? if you read it that way but it's still v sfw nonetheless, dottore takes off ur shirt, makes out and that's it LOL, mentions of lots of scars and its v inclusive (sh, surgery, injuries, anything!)

There wasn't a day that Dottore didn't wish that not another wound would be inflicted on your body, especially deep ones that would leave scars on your skin.

He didn't think of them as unsightly blemishes of your body, heaven's no! Dottore worships them. They are part of you after all, and there isn't a detail of you that Dottore doesn't reveres, letting his hands roam all over your skin if you should ever allow him to. Not a single crevice left untouched, his fingers will trace all over your curves, and your scars will never be ignored.

You no longer question why there were times when Dottore would get down on his knees, parting your legs and position himself between them, then begin attaching his lips wherever he could whilst he slowly lifts your shirt up. He pours and pours his individual attention to your scars, starting from your abdomen, and takes his time to press tender kisses on the aching scars, trailing up toward your chest, then fully sliding off your bothersome shirt. His hands would travel all over your back, the sensation of his gloved fingers against your scars sending shivers up your spine.

Dottore relishes the pleased sighs that escape your lips as he continues onto your shoulders, then down onto your arm, his shower of kisses never ceasing even when he reached your wrists. The slight tremble of your hands didn't phase him, only encouraging him to give more of his love to your scars. And then finally, he would grace your lips with a piece of his attention, tilting his head to the side to deepen the passionate kiss. Dottore's hand would cradle the back of your head as you slowly laid back onto your bed, your arms snaking around his neck to pull him closer to you as he continued to ravish your lips. He will leave you breathless, weak, and desire more, eyes half-lidded as you gaze up at him.

Perhaps he did this because he felt guilty, after all. The longer you stayed with him, the more your scars began adding up. You fought for him, educating yourself on how to fight just so you could protect him with all your life. So back then, when he was expelled and often chased by people who were against him, you would get yourself hurt because of him, and your scars were a painful reminder of his selfishness; a time when he hadn't appreciated you as much as he does now.

Perhaps he wanted to give comfort to those scars that you had inflicted on yourself. Scars of battles you fought on your own, against the demons festering in your mind. He would always give them special attention when you allow him, his fingers kneading and tracing onto the scars that still ached with hurt and distress whenever your eyes lay on them. But if you hated seeing those scars, then Dottore could love them for you.

Perhaps Dottore wanted to ease the phantom pains you still experience on the scars he had given you, to save your life from certain death. He truly wished that they never left a mark on your body, but he knew that was impossible. Now, he would only glorify them, for those scars only gave you a sense of hope, and lead you to trust Dottore more. That if there was ever a time you needed his help, he would never turn you away, using his knowledge to save you, help you, protect you.

"Those days, huh?" You murmured softly into his ear, fingers raking through his hair as you pulled off his mask, his crimson eyes staring deeply into yours. Dottore didn't answer, but you could assume well enough that it was when he captured your lips back onto his once more.

Your scars, in Dottore's eyes, are just a part of your beautiful self. Details in a painting add more to the magnificence of the canvas. And he would kiss them all over again, each and every single one of them, if it meant giving you a semblance of comfort through the pain.

If you want to be tagged in future works, fill out this form to be added to my taglist! Remember that usernames are only lowercase and have no spaces!

Taglist: @anniejourn, @dilucssiliconedildo, @achlysyo, @sunoo-bby, @iyagato, @randomidk-123, @kujobug, @louise-rosita-leroux, @eliciana, @gattahaveit1, @vvyeislazzy, @ehe-te-nandayou, @raideneiari, @styxfly, @yourdailymemedelivery, @meisene, @acepeanuts

- ̥۪͙۪˚┊❛❛ If you like this a lot, consider reblogging! I'll appreciate it very very much! Don't repost and/or translate my work anywhere. ❜❜ ┊˚ ̥۪͙۪◌

#yaepublishinghouse #il dottore x reader #dottore x reader #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #:;marshie.writes #:;drabble #:;il.dottore #:;muse.alex🌿

239 notes · View notes

httpskuzuu · 7 months

Text

This way

I've been in some transphobic situations lately and wanted to write something to make myself feel better

Atsushi x Ftm!Reader

English is not my mother tongue, sorry for the mistakes

sumary: You don't feel very comfortable with your body, Atsushi helps you a little

tw: dysphoria

"Do you think I look like a girl?"

The question is harsh, clinging to your throat, unwilling to come out. It fills you with shame when it shouldn't, but if you ask something like that, wasn't it admitting that you are? Wasn't it admitting that you couldn't even see yourself for what you truly were?

Your reflection isn't yours, it doesn't feel like yours. Since when is your face like that? No, impossible, you're not like that. Since when are your hips so wide? Why are there suddenly such feminine features on you?

You hate yourself, you haven't done it for a long time. You had Atsushi by your side and that always helped you, but now, even though you still had him with you, you hated yourself again.

It's like a dog chasing its tail, but the difference is that after a while the dog stops for a distraction, Atsushi in this case. Then it goes back to chasing itself, so it's like nothing happened.

"What are you talking about? You're the prettiest boy I know." He comes up behind you and hugs you from behind. "Besides, there's nothing wrong with seeing you feminine, honey."

There isn't, you know that, you repeat it to yourself every time you put on a drop of makeup, or wear colors cataloged for girls, or paint your nails. There's nothing wrong, but if you're feminine, people will think you're a girl, right? You don't want to be a girl. You're not a girl.

Why did you have to be born this way?

"I don't know if I really feel like going out today…" You mutter. You know Atsushi would understand and accept it, but that doesn't stop you from feeling a little selfish. You don't admit it out loud.

It physically hurts to keep having your eyes fixed on the mirror in front of you, your chest tightens and you feel like crying. You wish you were just overreacting.

"Okay, darling, is it okay if we move our date home?"

"Yes, better."

"I want you to remember that no matter how feminine you look, you're still a boy. My boy."

And, finally, you allow yourself to cry without considering yourself something you're not.

#bsd x reader #bsd x you #bsd x y/n #atsushi nakajima #bsd atsushi #atsushi x reader #atsushi x you #atsushi x y/n

34 notes · View notes

maah-long · 1 year

Text

I read TSaTS, and loved every second of it

I disappeared from social media to do that, and seeing things now, apparently people are hating on the book??? I honestly have no idea why, and honestly, it makes me sad. I wrote those notes as I read it, and never felt the book was weak or messy, and I'll stand on that boat, 100%. I LOVE this book with my entire existence now, and what people are thinking about it won't affect that, I truly hope.

And I've been binge reading all of Riordanverse in the last month, so everything is fresh on my mind.

Anyways, I'll just leave the notes I did here while I read it. Of course, SPOILERS! I read it without getting even one spoiler, and that made the experience unique and much more enjoyable than others I had in the past.

• I LOVED the silly star war discussion in the beginning, even not quite understanding it xD It was so cute and genuine, maybe with some probably thinking it’s cringy!

• WILL TALKING ABOUT HIS PAST 🫶🫶🫶🫶 I really wanted to see more of him and his story, so they just there, chilling and talking about things, forgetting, even if for only a few seconds, how their situation is so cruel… It made me really happy! Hope they’ll be back soon to just relax and be cute… (haha...)

• I hope the tiny snippets about the water Nymph will have its own scene!!! I was dying to know how their love story start, so it needs its own full chapter!!! (now finishing it, that didn't happen, but the scenes got longer!!! So, victory!!!)

• Now the first POV switch (ch 10) …. Sus. Is pretty weird that the what they see does not seem reliable, and right after it each one of them shares a vision were they’re suffering, but the other one is being kinda “selfish”, and not like themselves. I totally think what they’re “living” is not true, but I don’t know when they stopped seeing things right, or what happened to them. Where? Weird. I do know Will wouldn’t just give up, “I can’t be here”, or Nico going “Coward!”. The POVs don’t match, and I’m CONFUSED.

• Of course it’s a demon! And I do think it hilarious how they’re discussing gender norms while the demon is trying to strangle Nico…,,, normal day, I guess? And Will immediately saying sorry to them like, LMAO

• Man, playing Hades and seeing Nyx like this on the Riordanverse is PAINFUL. She’s so gorgeous (STUNNING), calm and mother-like there. And she always has this kinda insane-y vibe here.

• Ah, “‘I’ll always be here”. There it is, they’re getting separated.

• AGAIN? “if Nyx wants your darkness so bad, you can just leave some of it with her! That wouldn’t be so bad.’”. IDK man, I’m thinking this will be more true than they think, I just feel it 😭😭 And more literal than that, too. (here I was thinking about Nico leaving his powers there. I was pretty wrong on that xD)

• I think that addressing Will’s irk towards the underworld is pretty important. I really like how both of them are on different, but pretty understandable sides. After everything we know about the UW, it’s hard to be open and accepting to it. Nico is super related to it, and he knows his father’s palace, so he has a completely different view of it. Will is all about life and light, so it should be even less appealing to him. Man, he NEEDS sun to live, it's literally part of his being. It’s easy to understand his side. But there are good people and beings living there too. It’s almost another universe. It’s Nico home, past, family and history. It probably hurts a lot to see his boyfriend being so contrary to it, basically negating a part of him, and kinda making his thoughts of Will “ignoring the “””bad and scary””” “ parts of him to be able to accept Nico hold place. It’s sad, hope this will get a good development and closure. Too bad I’m pretty sure it won’t be soon….

• Okay! The farm commentary! That made me sad. I think here Nico was a tiny bit too much. I felt the “People farm here?” from Will was genuine confusion. I would picture on my mind automatically growing crops underground. Hey, I killed (and it still saddens me) succulents by keeping them inside my no-that-sunlit bedroom. How would people grow things successfully on the underworld? That totally very much probably is not included in common sense! Will most certainly was not trying to stab Nico or the UW life, just would like some explanations.

•The Mythomagic story in Nico’s past 😭😭😭 The feels, I swear. It was pretty relatable, poor boy. And that was on the last century, too, and I can't imagine how hard it would be to deal with being queer at that age.

•But hey, is Will talking about Hermes’ card there? Does he play Mythomagic?? Do they together?? That would be cute as hell, I hope they do.

•The canoe scenes make me so happy! I loved SO MUCH how they put them in between some painful scenes. It made it easier to breathe and take on the hard parts. One of the things I wanted the most was the backstory of their relationship, and being given ALL the details like that was definitely not what I expected. They’ve been amazing, super super cute.

• And hey, Paolo is queer?? He’s one of my fave background characters, and I really liked that 🫶🫶 Nice rep for us Brazilians, I really appreciate that, lol Really missed seeing more of him! Seeing a mention on this book was unexpected, but nice! Hope he’s getting better at communicating with everyone, hahah

• I LOVE MENOETES! The way this book is showing the nice parts of the underworld too, on contrary of house of hades that was pure hOrOR and pAIN. It was not what I was expecting, and I totally appreciate it, it’s cute. And wait does he grow the nectar and ambrosia? That’s genuinely impressive. He's a pretty cool guy.

• BUT HEY, GERYON? Sorry friend, I’m judgin here. Do hope you’re right saying he’s a changed man……,,,

• Now Persephone’s Garden…. One more time, they’re showing the nice parts of the underworld, and that’s super interesting.

• And the Persephone’s scene? I LOVED it, I think it was so necessary. My image of her was kinda bad ngl, remembering about her older appearances. She seemed a little crazy. But at that scene, the way she spoke with fondness and clarity… It was exactly what Will needed to hear, and it makes me happy to see that she’s much more accepting of Nico. Good times.

• But Anphistemis? That was one hard scene. They getting separated and all, but the worst part was the chaos when they reunited, and how the poor guy was used. I totally see why Will did that, hell, I’d do the same or worse, when it comes to surviving. I just hope that that was not the last time we see Amphitemis.

• COCOA PUFFS!! I love them too!! I kinda thought they were cute since they first appeared, and that made me feel weird. Good to see that they really are nice and petable!!

• The last fight made me so anxious. I'm just happy it's over. I really wanted for Nyx to chill and find some other purpose at the end, but I don't think that would be believable. Kinda sad. And I always liked those children of hern on their other book appearances too!!! Especially Nemesis.

• Bob, oh Bob. He's precious. I truly like this crew SO MUCH. Him, Small Bob, Nico, Will and and the Puffs. They just finally relaxing, free. Oh, that was so rewarding. Good for them!

• I CRIED with Nico's dream. All of his family... That was so warm. Nico deserved that, I really loved it. And good to know Amphis was not forgotten!!

• Nico hugging Chiron!!!! Mr D. being actually super nice!!!! Aw really, I loved this entire ending too. Everyone happy, talking, healing. Endings make me worried, sometimes my judgment of the work changes completely if the ending is bad. This one? No. It was a super nice wrapping.

• PIPEEERRRR!!!! Nico and Piper friends ? I'm super behind that, I love them a lot. I missed Piper! And her talk was so genuine. Full of worries that are pretty relatable too. Very sweet, wish the best to her too. I thought it was me expecting too much to see Piper, but I'm glad to be proved wrong.

• I'm sad Bob already left... I hope it'll still be possible for them to meet sometimes, Bob deserves the best in this new chapter of his life!! While writing this I noticed I didn't mention anything about the trogs. I guess my main impressions about them happened already on Apollo Trials, hahah. But I like them a lot too!!! I was very happy to see they're happy building their little world and society, and making even tastier dishes. Hiss-Majesty is amazing too, and I loved their closure working at the farm xD

• Plus Nico and Will at the ending. Very heart warming moment. Their relationship is super healthy, and I do NOT believe in anyone who says the contrary. Both of them clearly saw where they failed, communicated about that, and deeply, honestly, said that they would seek to do their best. Isn't this the most important thing of it all? They're super happy together, love each others' presence, and looking at their future together fills them with hope. Man, they just left TARTARUS. And now they're stronger, filled with joy about what is to come.

And that's it. Been reading through some other people's thoughts, and well. Sometimes I even wonder if we read the same book. Like people saying the writing is the worst thing they ever read. I literally spent the last 3 days finishing the 3 last ToA books and this one. My friends, it was NOT that different. In particular, comparing to HoO, of course, because of the third person narration.

The only thing different for me was the direct approach about feelings, and about being queer too (probably thanks to Mark Oshiro), and I definitely enjoyed those. Probably because of seeing myself in them too.

I think people are being way too judgemental of Will. You can for sure say he was too impulsive when he was so determined and stubborn about going to a place that would be literally poison to him. But people complaining he was already drained before getting to Tartatus, as going though everything he did was easy? That place was his antithesis. I was actually shocked he didn't crumble at the first step into the Underworld. But he went through it, with Nico always on his mind. I don't know, I can't understand the hate. And of course they would not be bubbly and fun, they were going though HELL. Did anyone really expected them to be on their best there?

And I think both of them are very misunderstood characters. I was in the fandom for like, almost no time, thus, idk much about the fanon interpretation of them. But after everything I read about Nico and Will on the books, nothing felt out of place here, no. And it reminded a lot of ToA too.

All in all, awesome book, was even more awesome than what I was expecting, and I was totally not disappointed. I will hold this book dear, close to my heart, and I wish people were more accepting of it. There's even an anti tag for it? I made the mistake of scrolling through it (I'm the type of person that gets sentimental when people attack something I love), and yes, people definitely have different experiences while going through works.

#tsats #the sun and the star #will solace #nico di angelo #tsats spoilers #NOhateforTSATS #solangelo #love tsats #love the sun and the star!#riordanverse #some of the fandom is nyx fr 💀🙁

56 notes · View notes

darthgloris · 1 year

Text

If things had gone differently

Pairing: bi!Palermo x fem!bi!reader

A/N: this was quite a request, @tzkyo, thank you! This is a really interesting plot that is very likely to make me cry while writing it but I love it! You're very creative, hope you get more ideas like this for me to write ❤❤

Summary (@tzkyo 's courtesy, everyone 😉): Y/N (aka Recife) is completely and utterly in love with Palermo, even if all this time he loved Berlín. After his love interest died, he was torn apart from grief, while Y/N did her best to comfort him in hopes of one day winning his heart. During the heist, he breaks her heart in the most cruel and painful way possible, but regrets it when things start getting ugly.

Warnings: SPOILERS, violence, death, angsty af, heartbreak

€€€

I hated them.

I hated them both.

Actually, that's not true. I loved them both.

But I hated the way they looked at each other.

I hated the way they acted together.

I knew I shouldn't. I knew it was wrong to act like this, but I didn't care. I'd been going through this shit every single day for 10 years. Watching the love of my life Palermo being so kind, so sweet, so fun, being himself with Berlín, and then turning to me with a cold shoulder. Of course, he'd be sweet and kind to me as well, but when he was with the love of his life he was a whole different person. And it bothered me so much that that version of Palermo was the real him. Berlín brought out the best in him, certainly. He brought out the fun, sunny, Golden Retriever-like side of him. But he started neglecting me for it.

Damn him. Damn him and his perfect plans and his perfect brains and his perfect fucking smile. How could I be so in love with him? He was impossible, he was selfish, he had countless of flaws, but when you truly love someone, that doesn't matter. And his happiness mattered to me as well, so I let him be with Berlín and tried not to get in the middle.

And then, in the heist at the Royal Mint, he died. That was really impossible to see. The only difference between what hurt him before was that this time it impacted me as well. Berlín was the one who stole Palermo's heart, and he was quicker than me in doing so, but he was still a really good friend to me, almost a brother. He was used to giving me lots of attention, and that made Palermo's blood boil. That was probably why he was so cold to me.

A few months after Berlín passed, I was called by my ex-partner-in-crime Nairobi to join her and Helsinki in their life of partying and joy. I had missed her very, very much and couldn't wait to clear my mind from the hopeless, dead-end chase after Palermo in the lovely landscapes of Argentina.

A little less than a year later, love played its dirty game once again. Rio got captured and was taken to Algeria for interrogation and torture. That was what brought us all back together. But if there was something I wasn't ready for was meeting Palermo again.

Our reunion was certainly heartfelt and tearful. After all this time of grieving on his own, he felt incredibly alone and couldn't deny that he missed me, even if my advances sometimes bothered him.

...

During the heist

Palermo was acting weird. Very weird. He wasn't looking at me at all, he didn't even bother to look me in the eyes. To others, he talked normally, but to me, he just gave orders as if I meant to him as much as the next person. I've done everything for him: I spent my time helping him when he was blinded when I could have been doing much more useful stuff, I supported him when no one did, I covered him during battle. Hell, I've known him for years, why would he be acting like this?

And then it occurred to me. Why don't I ask him myself?

On the way to look for him, I bumped into Nairobi, who grabbed my arm gently and pulled me away to somewhere more private.

"Recife, where were you going?" She asked carefully.

"I'm just looking for Palermo, why?"

I sighed in exasperation. "Cariño, when are you going to realise you're too good for him? Have you seen how he treats you? You don't deserve that shit. You deserve someone who treats you like the wonderful person that you are. I know you love him, and I know you have for a very long time, but how did you endure all those years of watching him with Berlín and then having him push you away? He's not good enough for you. If he doesn't respond to your advances, it's not your problem, it's his, because he can't see the person in front of him for how she really is."

"Look, I know he can be a really shitty person, but he wasn’t always like this, okay? Before Berlín came around he was sweet, fun, caring. He used to show me so much affection, so much care, and when the guy showed up, he started following him like a puppy."

"He might have been like that before, Recife, but he's not anymore. People change, and sometimes for the worst. Even the inspector in charge now would be able to treat you better than this. And she's been torturing Rio for weeks."

"I'll never know what's going on with him if I don't ask him, will I?"

Nairobi sighed and placed a hand over her cheek, thinking. "You're so stubborn. Now go on, lover girl, before you miss your chance."

I gave her a strong hug and hurried off to find him. After a bit of wandering in the Bank of Spain, I found him in the library with a bunch of hostages and a couple of crew members. This was going to be difficult.

"Palermo!" I called him, and he stopped for a moment, but chose to ignore me and kept walking.

"Hey, Palermo." I grabbed his arm and forced him to look me in the eyes. "Um, could we talk? Alone, please?"

"No. Whatever you have to say, you can say here." He replied coldly, making my jaw clench.

"Fine." I rolled my eyes. "Could you please tell me why you've been treating me like trash since we got here? You're acting really weird, and you're not the Palermo I know, because that guy was loving, and cared about me, even if I was just a friend to him. But now... now you're just a jerk who thinks that he can push me around because I have feelings for him. I miss you, Palermo. The real you."

When I noticed how his fists were closed and his face was red, I got scared. Knowing him, he was going to lash out. "Don't give me that shit, Recife. Do you have any idea how much I suffered when Andrès died!? Does your teeny little brain even begin to comprehend what I went through when you left me alone to follow your little friends to Argentina!? You can't blame me, you can only blame yourself!"

In the middle of all that yelling, Nairobi came in I she almost heard her heart cracking at the scene. I teared up at the harsh words he was throwing at me without any regret, and my friend tried to walk up to me.

"Palermo, shut up! Can't you see she's crying?! Leave her alone!" She defended me.

"Why should I care if she's crying?!" He turned his attention back to me. "Are you still here, Recife? Go on, get out! Leave! Stay the hell away from me!"

I tried not to break down in front of everyone and ran out of the room. I could hear their voices arguing from inside.

"Why did you have to do that, you selfish piece of shit? All she has ever done is care for you and give you the love that not even Berlín gave you and you just break her like that?! Are you crazy?! Do you really think you're in the position to break someone's heart? You? I saw what she went through..."

I zoned the voices out and broke down on the floor, my cries echoing through the corridors. I couldn’t believe he did that to me. Maybe it was better like this. It may be better for both of us.

What he had said really hit a spot. Sometimes I regretted leaving him, but I thought it was for the best. The Palermo I remembered would have never rubbed that in my face. He wouldn't have said any of those things, he would've rejected me gently. And still treat me like a friend.

I leaned my head on the wall and hugged my knees to her chest, sobbing uncontrollably. I heard the door open and someone sat down next to me. Her hand started rubbing circles on my back.

"I gave him a piece of my mind. I couldn’t let him hurt you like this." She said and I leaned my head on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry, cariño. Really."

"You know what the worst part is? If he hadn't changed, if he hadn't started pushing me away for someone else, that version of him would have never done this. I loved Berlín, but he turned him into this... this person I've never seen before..."

Nairobi sighed and clutched me to her chest. "You don't deserve that. Now, why don't you spend the rest of the heist with me, hmm? Get away from all of this for a while. You'll stay at the furnace with me, Bogotá and Denver and we'll take care of you, okay? You know that those guys never fail to put a smile on our faces."

I chuckled. "Okay. Let's go."

...

When they got downstairs, Denver rushed over to me while Nairobi went to talk to the others. "Hey, Recife, what happened? Who did this to you? You give me a name and I'll rip their face off-"

"No, no, no, please don't rip any faces off! It was Palermo. He ripped my heart out, threw it on the ground and walked all over it."

"I have to go, someone is in the need of a beating." He said jokingly. "Hey, listen to me. He's not worth it. If he can't see what a wonderful human being he could have been with, he's not good enough. And it's not all bad. You did a really brave thing, telling him everything you felt to his face. That's a courage he lacks completely, because he doesn't have any balls or dignity. Would you have been with a guy that didn't have dignity or a functioning pair of testicles? Of course not!" I laughed and smiled at him. "There we go, that's much better!" Denver picked me up in his arms and swung me up and down. "Recife! Recife! Recife!" He chanted and I laughed, hugging him.

He put me down and Bogotá approached her. "He's right, kid. Don't let anyone walk all over you. You're too good for that." He pinched my cheek affectionately and I smiled, hugging him as well.

I was going to be better off like this after all.

...

Meanwhile, more days passed and seeing Palermo hurt a little bit every time, but being with people who really cared about me and loved me for who I am made me feel much, much better. I managed to get much closer with the boys, that being Matías, Bogotá and Denver. It was great, they were fun, they were interesting, and they were good people. And Nairobi encouraging me made me feel so happy inside, to finally have someone who truly cared for me.

But I was about to get the harshest reality check I could have ever gotten.

Alicia Sierra had managed to get in contact with Nairobi and manipulate her through her son. First she left her the boy's teddy bear, which contained a phone. I got worried when Nairobi accepted a call from the Inspectora. She started telling her that Axel was with her, and when Nairobi didn't believe her, she put him on the phone. Then she took him outside, encouraging her to look out the window. I felt something was off, until I realised what Sierra was doing.

"It's a trap! Nairobi, get away from there!" I yelled and without wasting a beat, I pushed her out of the way.

The sniper bullet cut through the air as if it was a hot knife cutting butter. Then I felt a pain in my chest and gasped in shock, but almost choked on the blood I was spitting. My hearing faded out and my eyesight blurred, but I could make out Nairobi's voice desperately calling my name and asking for help. I saw a few blurry figures, of which I only recognised Estocolmo and Nairobi, but I also tuned out a voice of which I couldn't forget the presence: Palermo. I could distinctly hear his anguished yells and cries as he tried to pick me up and bring me somewhere else. I wished I could hear what he was saying to me, but I lost consciousness shortly after.

...

*Palermo's POV*

She's shot.

She's shot. She's shot. She's shot.

I couldn’t calm my nerves as I paced back and forth, holding back my tears. Recife just got shot. I couldn’t believe what happened. Her life was on the line, likely because of me. I don't know why I broke her heart like that, I should have done anything else but that! And now she was lying on that cart, a step away from death.

"Somebody do something, carajo!" I cursed. "Anything you can! An anesthesia, a bandage, anything, just don't let her die!"

I heard Nairobi mutter something, but I didn’t have the energy to care. My best friend was dying, the very best friend that never stopped loving me even when I treated her like trash. She was brave and smart and intelligent and never failed to put a smile on my face. I wish things had gone differently, maybe if they had she wouldn’t be here like this.

"Okay, she's stable." Tokio said, making me breathe a sigh of relief. "She's in a coma and we don't know how long it will be until she wakes up, so she's going to need constant monitoring and observation, if we leave her alone like this and something happens, we're screwed."

"I'll stay with her," I volunteered immediately. "The rest of you go down to the furnace, we're almost there."

"Finally getting some common sense into that thick skull of yours, eh, Palermo?" Nairobi asked, her voice lacking humour completely.

"Why don't you mind your business, Nairobi? You still have a job to finish," I countered. I needed to be alone with Y/N now.

She just rolled her eyes. "Fine. Now come on, we need to move her somewhere safer."

...

We took her upstairs carefully and the others left to go back to their jobs. Finally, a moment alone with her. I sat down next to her and grabbed her hand gently, interlocking my fingers with hers.

"I don't know if you can hear me, corazón," I started. "But I need you to know how sorry I am for treating you like that. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I was really overrun by grief and you remind me so much of him... but I don't want to talk about him. I'm so sorry you're going through this... I should have protected you, goddamn it! You've always stuck with me, you've been so patient, so kind, so sweet, waiting for me to treat you the way I did before. And guess what? To get me to remember you, you had to get shot. God, I'm so stupid! You're right, I have changed, but you had to pay the consequences while it should have been me..." a few tears started rolling down my cheeks. "Please give me a chance to fix this once you get better. I couldn’t live with myself knowing I lost such an important person in my life."

I rested my forehead on my other hand and cried shamelessly. "My God, I don’t know what to do with myself if I lose you. I already lost someone important, I already lost someone I loved. Please don't be next. Hold on, honey. You hold on and when we get out here I'm going to buy us an island off of the coasts of Japan, your favorite place, and then I'm going to marry you. We'll live on the island all alone, just us, where nobody can bother us. We'll have sushi every weekend and mochi whenever you want, the ice cream ones, just like you like them. And after a few years, I'll fill that pretty stomach of yours with lovely children, and we'll live the best life we could ever get."

I did the best I could to paint her that picture, hoping she could hear me. I want to do all of these things and more. I want to kiss her forever, then go to Japan and marry her and live the rest of our lives together. I want to give her children, who'll hopefully get her personality and both our brains.

But what if she didn't make it?

I wanted all those things. I love her. I love her more than she thinks. She's going to make it. She has to. Otherwise, I might not be able to move on from her.

...

A few days passed and I spent every single day with her to apologise for everything I had done to her, to tell her about everything I loved about her and our future plans. I refused to leave her side, not while she was in this condition. My eyes hurt from crying and my back hurt from sitting in the chair; I hadn't eaten since she got shot, I only had water, and it wasn't my intention to leave anytime soon. Not even to eat. Not even to sleep.

...

I was sitting next to Y/N, my hand in hers, hoping for any sign of movement. Nothing. All of a sudden, her hand twitched and I almost jumped up from my seat. She was awake! She was here!

I couldn't hold back tears as she opened her eyes and shifted her head to the side to look at me. She eyed me up and down, her eyebrows furrowed. "You look terrible," she said honestly, making me laugh. Her life was on the line and she didn't even leave her sarcastic personality behind. God, this woman was amazing.

"I know," I laughed, stroking her face. "I've been sitting here for days hoping you'd wake up. Listen, I'm really sorry for treating you like that. And I don’t just mean last week. Everything I did to you. You were right, I've changed, and not entirely for the better. I pushed you away without being aware the value of your feelings for me, and when you got shot I finally realised what I should have a long time ago. What I'm trying to say is that I really love you. Please, please give me a chance to fix things. I owe it to you."

She smiled as she teared up as well, which made me hiccup in tears, only this time they were of joy.

"Yes. You can have one more chance." She said.

I gasped softly and tried not to shower her with physical affection as I knew she was hurt.

"What are you still waiting for, Martín? Kiss me, you fool," she joked.

"Are you sure? Because once I start, I might not be able to stop." I replied sincerely.

She gave a small nod and I leaned my face closer to hers. Then she moved her face upwards and met my lips in a soft kiss. I felt my stomach drop to my feet at the feeling of her soft lips on mine, her hand trying to run her fingers through my hair. I smiled in the kiss and felt more tears falling down my face, but I didn’t care. Finally, she was with me. And I wasn't willing to let her go.

...

I woke up to a lot of bustling in the room: the crew was running around and swarming over Recife's body, and their frantic muttering was mixed with the unstable beeping of her monitor.

Shit, the monitor!

"What's going on? Why isn't anyone doing anything?! She's dying, hurry!"

"Palermo, honey..." Nairobi started. "...we can't save her."

I noticed the tears pooling inside her eyes and I almost forgot how to breathe. She was serious.

"No! There has to be something we can do to help! Just anything- no, don't touch that!" I yelled at Denver who was about to detach her from the drugs. "Don't you dare give up! She'll live, I know she will. She's a survivor!"

"I know she is, Palermo, but we're just putting her through useless pain. She's gone, she was since the Inspectora refused to let in the surgical team. She's the only one with proper medical training, if anyone could have done anything, it would have been Recife herself."

"Screw it! Screw all of it! Come on, Nairobi, help me out, please! Please, Nairobi! I can't lose her!"

I saw the hurt and pity in her eyes as she opened her mouth to speak. "I'm sorry, but we-"

Our argument was cut off by the sound of the monitor flatlining.

"¡No! ¡Carajo!" I yelled and punched the wall in a futile attempt to let out my anger. "No! No! Don't leave, please! Please, Y/N!"

The others hugged each other in mourning, but I let nobody touch me. I was too late. She was dead. She was gone forever. No more wedding in Japan. No more sushi and mochi at the weekend. No more children.

I sobbed loudly and clutched her dead body to my chest. I still couldn't believe she was gone. I still couldn't believe that I let love slip through my fingers again.

...

Before her funeral, I stopped by to see her once more.

She was still there, her wound clean and her face relaxed. My heart swelled at the sight and my eyes filled with tears again. I sat down on the cart and pulled her to me, her upper body laying on my lap.

"I'm sorry for this, mi amor. I should have protected you. I love you so much, remember that."

My tears dropped on her face and it looked like she was crying as well, which made me cry harder. My body racked with sobs and I held her beautiful face in my hands as I started singing her favorite song.

"Con los pobres de la tierra

Quiero yo mi suerte hechar

Con los pobres de la tierra

Quiero yo mi suerte hechar

El arroyo de la sierra

Me complace más que el mar

El arroyo de la sierra

Me complace más que el mar

Guantanamera..."

My voice cracked and I couldn’t help but give a soft kiss on the lips.

"Goodbye, my beautiful."

#ldcp #lcdp palermo #lcdp x reader #palermo x reader #money heist #money heist x reader #palermo

92 notes · View notes

youredoinghorriblesweetie · 1 year

Text

Make Your Heart Beat Stronger - Part 1

Rotxo x Medic in Training!Metkayina!GN!Reader Angst

Description: Rotxo seems to like you, but you can’t help the anger within you.

Timeline begins before the Sully’s got to Awa’atlu

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Warnings: angst obviously, unrequited love, more to be added later

Word count: 612

God how you hate everything right now. Everyone and everything seems to be too much. “Hey —— could you feed the Ilu?” “Hey —— could you come take a look at this mark?” “Hey —— could you go pick some herbs?” All the requests kept piling on top of you, it felt suffocating.

You envied the ones who had time to laugh, the ones who were just meant to look nice for the clan, the ones who could relax. You envied people like Tsireya and Ao’nung’s friends. Especially Rotxo. I mean c’mon. Best friend of the chief’s son? All the privileges of the chief’s son with none of those same responsibilities. It wasn’t fair.

Everytime he laughed, you could feel your blood boil. Why was life so much easier for him? Why couldn’t you laugh? Why were you not allowed to stop? And no, you didn’t mean to hate Rotxo for it, but sometimes you could just feel the resentment bubbling. And it feels so selfish, to hate one of your clan members because of how hard you worked.

You could easily ask for some time for yourself or just tell people no. But you didn’t. You never did. Maybe you actually resented yourself? Maybe. But right now, all you could feel was anger.

Rotxo had pulled you aside on the beach, and now you two stood on some rocks alone. He stood bowing before you with a flower in outstretched hands. The flower was pretty, but it wasn’t your favorite. Nobody knew what your favorite was because you never had time to stop and look at them. And that made you even angrier.

He looked up at you as you scoffed at him. Tears of anger ran down your face, wanting to hit him but knowing its against your code of honor. You tried to speak, a sob coming out as soon as you do. You could feel yourself choking and you hated it. You weren’t allowed to break. Especially not in front of somebody.

Finally you managed to force out the words that truly embodied your pain, and some that you would come to regret. “ARE YOU SERIOUS?! WHY WOULD I GO OUT WITH YOU? YOU ARE JUST SOME TROUBLE MAKER WHO ONLY GETS AWAY WITH IT BECAUSE HE’S THE FUTURE CHIEF’S LAP DOG. I DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE. I TREAT THE PEOPLE, I FEED THE FISH, I PICK THE HERBS, I WAKE BEFORE AND SLEEP AFTER EVERYONE. THIS FLOWER IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO MY FAVORITE BUT OF COURSE NOBODY KNOWS THAT. I NEVER GET A SECOND TO ENJOY LIFE BUT YOU DON’T EVEN NOTICE IT. YOU ARE, AND I MEAN THIS WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING, NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME. I CAN’T STAND YOU. YOUR LAUGH, YOUR SMILE, YOUR JOKES, ALL OF IT. I HATE IT. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU.”

You gasped for air, having forgotten to breathe through your entire rant. When you looked at Rotxo, you could see his heart breaking more every second he looks at you. You flinched, knowing you hurt him so badly. “Rotxo, I— I didn’t mean t—”

“Please, don’t say anything else. It’s fine. I’ll leave you alone from now on.”

You fell to the ground, staring at his back as he walked away. The tears began to flow again, and you knew you messed up this time. The flower, sitting beside you as he had dropped it during your speech. You picked it up and stared at it, a familiar flower that grew around the island. As you twisted and turned it, you remembered its medicinal treatment.

It’s used to make the heart stronger.

———————————————————————

Authors note: Helloooo!! This is my first ever fic, I did the game I mentioned in the post before this with the writer switch(think thats what imma call it) to make this. This idea was from @effervescentalessia

#avatar #avatar the way of water #atwow #atwow fics #atwow rotxo #rotxo fanfiction #avatar angst #atwow angst

77 notes · View notes

theprettynosferatu · 1 year

Text

4 - Revelation

Nati’s plans regarding her dear mamá had been rather gentle. They involved using the serum in her sleep, letting Master’s carefully prepared VR experience twist her and corrupt her without her even being aware of the changes, so that she would peacefully and blissfully slide into her new, much improved self. Well, fuck that.

The return to Mariana’s home had been eye-opening to Nati. She hadn’t realized exactly how much anger, how much resentment was still in there, a remnant of something her old self hadn’t dared to recognize fully, or really come to terms with. The fact was simple: mamá had been a selfish, sanctimonious, shame-filled bitch… and she had raised her daughter as such. In her desperate, pathetic need to keep up appearances or hell, even to save her own immortal soul, she had stolen years from Mariana. Nati was almost vibrating with rage. Fucking years being a demure, boring cunt instead of having fun and pleasure and freedom! Years of long dresses with no cleavage, of Bible readings and prayers at dinner, of looking down on other girls who were only being their true selves as somehow beneath her, dirty, soiled. Mamá hadn’t just made Mariana boring: she had, in Nati’s eyes, made her a hateful person and trapped her inside that tar pit of hate. Master had saved her by bringing Nati out into the light. But did her mother deserve salvation? No. Not at all. But Master had chosen her, and Nati knew that Master was always right.

Didn’t mean she had to make things nice, though.

Nati walked downstairs, syringe in hand, the VR goggles left behind. No virtual world for mommy. She would get a harsh dose of reality. She deserved no grace, no mercy. Master was the Lord and Nati was His sword of righteous justice. Images of purgatory flashed through her mind. Sure, there would be salvation at the end, but her mother’s soul would have to be purified before it was worthy of His attention. She would make the old hag worthy.

A telenovela blared from the T.V. Mamá barely had a second to register her daughter’s rather inappropriate attire before a sudden sting on her neck left her paralyzed. Confusion led to sudden, deep alarm. For some reason she thought of a fly stuck on a web; perhaps because the look on her daughter’s face was… predatory. Who was this person? She looked like her daughter, wore her daughter’s skin… but beneath it all was something else. Something cruel. Something fiery. And as a small voice, an almost forgotten voice inside her insisted on bringing up… oddly alluring. The person in front of her zeroed in on that small glimmer of desire and smiled.

Nati could feel it growing. Yes, this was it. This was what she was meant to do. This was fate and purpose, and she would give it her all, every inch of her. She stretched seductively, a cat toying with her prey.

“Our heavenly Father…” she mocked. “What do we have before us? What do we see, oh Lord, when we look at this woman on the sofa? Why, a sinner, of course. But what kind of sinner, I wonder? How deeply run the depths of her failures?”

Nati ran a hand through her mother’s face. It was a beautiful face, now that she looked at it without having to endure the endless sermonizing that usually came out of it. Nati undid a button from her top, almost rubbing her tits on her poor mother. As expected, the serum was starting to do its real work, and the older woman couldn’t help herself from staring at her own daughter’s ample cleavage. Nati took a theatrical step back.

“Well, let us see how dark this soul truly is. You pretend to be a pious, respectable woman… but here I am. Born out of wedlock. A living embodiment of your sin! And so like a coward you ran. You ran from the real you. Because we both know what you truly were. A little fucking teen slut. A nympho that sucked cock and let married men take her tight cunt bareback… hence my existence. And let me ask you something… don’t you miss it? Come on, don’t look so hurt. I mean, it must have felt amazing to be so… desired, so eager to please, the center of attention in every room… You must have loved every second of it, every single one night hookup, every blowjob in an alley, every party you got passed around in like a bottle of tequila… Fuck, it sounds like you knew how to live back then…”

Nati swayed her hips hypnotically as she started pulling down her pants. “Didn’t it feel so good, mami? To be taken, used and abused, a living town cumrag? Didn’t it feel so, so right?”

She could see her mother squirming as her neurons fired in strange, chaotic ways. Yes, the drug was doing its real thing now. Mami was getting blushed, and Nati could almost smell the bitch’s cunt getting more and more soaked by the second. Time to poke the righteous bore a bit.

“Answer me, mamita… didn’t it feel great? Taking load after load? Going down on your knees?”

“N-no… it was… sinful”

“Yes. Sinful. So, so sinful… and it felt good. Sin feels good, doesn’t it mami? To know you are being wicked, using the body that God gave you to spit in His fucking face and be a complete fucking whore, to go an all fours like a good little slut and let man after man empty their balls inside your needy cunt, not even seeing their faces, not caring who is using you just because it feels so amazing… oh, doesn’t your pussy just love that idea?”

A moan escaped the older woman’s lips. Her eyes were getting glassy, her thoughts muddled and confused, her entire body so, so sensitive… part of her was holding on to something, to some idea or image of who she was, who she should be… but it was getting faint, as if covered up by a pink haze… And her daughter knew it. She wouldn’t let mamita get too pink, too pliable. She wanted her to be painfully aware of her own downfall. She sat on her mami’s lap.

“You want to sin, don’t you? Your entire body longs for it, because you’ve denied it for so long… and make no mistake, you were made to sin. You have big slutty tits and cocksucking lips because God is cruel. He made you to sin and told you you weren’t allowed to follow the instincts He himself gave you! Does that sound like someone worthy of devotion? Of praise? Fuck no! But let me tell you a secret about your dear little daughter…”

Nati started moving slowly, grinding against her mother, caressing her in a lapdance most professionals would deem perhaps too intimate, but masterful.

“Your daughter is a fucking sinful slut… a complete cunt who lives to please cock and make pussies wet… a body meant for pleasure, nothing more… And she’s not ashamed! Not. One. Bit. Because I’ve found someone else to worship. Someone who knows the value of a good fucktoy… someone who actually answers to prayers and provides for His followers… and never, ever shames us for being the whores we were meant to be. Someone for whom sin is worship. And you want to sin, don’t you, mamá? Oh, you need it so badly… look at you, almost shaking… you want to sin with your own daughter, no less! What a completely debauched cunt you are, mami… but He’d love that about you… if you renounce your false God and worship a real Master. Wouldn’t that feel so, so good?”

The older woman was shaking. Her mind reeled against the words the being disguised as her daughter spew out… even as a small part of her, a shameful part of her, knew them to be at least partially true. She had been a slut… and it had felt good. But the worst part was her body. Her pussy felt desperate, needy, she needed to feel the warm, soft skin so close to her… it didn’t matter if it was her daughter… she just needed to… No, she fought against the impulses. Just thinking about how she would feel, how she would taste might be enough to… to…

Nati could feel it. Hell, she could almost taste it. She wondered if mamà knew she was drooling a bit. The stage was set. All that was needed was a little final push. Nati tore off her clothes, letting her stiff nipples dangle like pendulums just a hair away from her mother’s eyes.

“Look at me. I am real. Master is real. Your body is real, and it’s screaming at you to accept your true nature. How long will you deny yourself in the name of some imaginary God that has done nothing for you but guilt you and make you feel like shit for your impulses? I am offering a new sacrament. A new Covenant, signed in lust and obedience and cum. Also you have to do is… abandon all the lies”

A moment of silence stretched into infinity before two words pierced through a lifetime of gray, sad denial.

“Fuck God”, said the mother before diving towards her daughter’s tits.

5 - The Greatest Show on the Net

Emily was a bit surprised about how much like herself she felt. Unlike her dear sister, the process had not been one of substitution, but one of subtraction. The audios and the edging and the conditioning had not rewritten parts of her personality: Master, after a lengthy talk, had decided she was a fucking pervert as is, an assesment that only made Emily cum with joy. No, if anything she was more herself than ever before. Gone were the doubts. Gone was the hesitation. Gone her little moral quandaries. By removing, she had become more- quite a paradox, and unlike her bimbo sister, Emily still understood what a paradox was. She was unleashed, unfettered, and she discovered, a little bit mean. For instance, she didn’t need to make Holly wear a bluetooth-controlled vibe to the DMV, but damnit if making the slut squirm while she waited in line hadn’t been a blast. Addition by subtraction had been so liberating, and so Emily subtracted a couple of letters from her name in Master’s honor. Emi sounded cuter, anyway.

The DMV trip had been a hassle, but a necessary one. Master had put her in charge of the girl’s porn careers, taking advantage of her impeccable instincts. Two more would arrive soon, and she would have to figure paths for them, but first and foremost she had to put her sister in the stratosphere of online filth, and that required an updated ID, since she looked nothing like her old self. An ID was crucial to the plan.

Emi went online on her own account and started laying the groundwork, teasing her viewers and promising something great, something revolutionary that would make them all lose their fucking minds. A new project that would start with the greatest stream ever shown, and would only get better from there. She also had to work a lot behind the scenes: for the plan to work, she needed the platforms to turn a blind eye to certain… terms of service violations. That meant bribing some people, persuading some people, and driving an hour to fuck the brains off one particular female executive. A memorable encounter Emi made sure to film, just in case leverage was needed down the line.

And now the day had come. Holly was excited like a puppy, and so happy with the outfit Emi had picked for her. There needed to be a certain aesthetic to the whole affair: coherent but contrasting. Light and dark. Sun and moon. Lace and leather. One pink and white, one black and red. One like a princess, the other like a demoness.

The audience was everything they could have hoped for. Numbers like never before, each representing a pair of eyes fixed on them, eagerly waiting for them, needing them, adoring them. They shared a little good luck kiss before the camera went on.

“Hello everybody! I’m Emi!”

“And I’m Holly!”

“You know us… or at least one of us! And you’ve seen us do… a lot of things. You probably think you know everything there is to know about us. Our every kink, our every desire, how every inch of our horny bodies looks like… and you are almost right! Almost, but not quite. We’ve been promising something very special for today in our streams, and you might think us being here together is that special thing… but there’s more!”

“A lot more!”, Holly giggled.

“You know me by many names but it’s time to tell you a little big secret. My name is Emily”

“And my name is Miranda!”

Emi took the new ID from the DMV, and her own, usual ID. She smiled and raised them for the camera, making sure their last names were clearly visible.

“And we are sisters!”

“Yaaaay!”

“Let me be clear. This isn’t fake. This isn’t roleplay. This isn’t some step-sister cop-out. We are real, flesh and blood sisters. We were raised in the same house, we have the same parents. And they did such a good job that we are now absolutely perverted, pleasure-addicted, amoral fucking cunts that will do anything to make you guys and girls cum your little brains off! And we do mean… anything”

They both knew how to play to the camera, and even as a part of their minds was on how they looked, they were completely swept up by the moment. Their tongues met each other with a desperate need, as if this was what they should have been doing all along, a long overdue realization of their true roles in life. The kissed and licked and smiled, turning now and then to the camera with a wink… and to see the donations roll in. They were making Master a lot of money, and that thought alone was enough to send them into a frenzy. Luckily, Emi had the presence of mind to remember their assigned parts, and she was supposed to be calling the shots. She adjusted the angle as she laid back and slid off her leather pants.

“Worship your little sister’s cunt, you mindless toy”, Emi commanded. Holly snapped to attention, her conditioning taking over. A direct order from her sister was almost like a direct order from Master: indisputable, absolute, as strong as any biological need. There was no distance between order and obedience. Obedience was pleasure, and so her world was reduced to the pussy in front of her face, her need to please it, her desire to be useful.

Emi had to muster all her willpower to not dissolve into a puddle of meaningless moaning. Master had a plan for them, part of a larger, broader project. Emi didn’t know the entirety of it, but she felt special and honored just to be allowed to take part in it. Master knew best and it was time the world saw it. She was aware that there was some drug involved, that another girl had tested it… but her own role was a different one, one that would come into play down the line. For now, she had to blow this platform the fuck up.

“Fuck yeah… look at us… two fucking desperate sisters eager to obey… and… fuck… this is only the beginning… Sis… show them your tits while I tell them…”

The bimbo bounced in an instant, and soon she was groping herself, moaning, giving her sister a chance to recover. She needed to get this right, no matter how much she wanted to suck on the dumb slut she called a sis’ tits. She rubbed herself slowly as she looked into the camera.

“This place… it will be the fucking haven for all perverts… for all good girls… for all that seek to find their real selves… beyond morality… beyond good and evil… beyond shame or guilt… we’ll give it all… we’ll teach you… and you’ll see more good girls here… doing things… saying things… you’ve never even imagined… so keep that money coming in and welcome… to the Slut House”

Did you enjoy this story? You can support my work at patreon.com/prettynosferatu and get the full library, discord access and more!

80 notes · View notes

scoonsalicious · 9 days

Note

since I can't insert any images while on anon, just imagine me reading this, and in between every paragraph, groaning in disappointment and frustration and then dropping my face against the table. Or maybe just putting my phone down and yelling into my pillow for every bad decision made...which is a lot, to say the least. I'm attacking this by part so I don't miss anything but also fo expect something long hahaha

Well, Bad Decision #1 (unfortunately. I hate that's its just #1. also BRANDON. I'm not saying that name has anything to do with me but I got confused for a second because that's what I've been calling Bucket sometimes so I was like? Bucky? lol), more like Bad Dick #1 ha ha. Anyway. I honestly wasn't surprised that he turned out to be horrendous at that LMAO. I mean, he's young and arrogant and on top of that, disrespectful and disgusting. While I don't condone violence, I mean, with how he was acting, he kinda deserved that dick twist. Was it too much? Probably. I thought so at first then I realized that he's probably done this to other girls before, and most of them didn't have the training Pocket had so it probably had gone worse so that was perfectly fine by me. Also her blurting out a Bucket's name during made me wince because yikes that's always embarrassing but I wasn't surprised. She was imagining him. And ha! you got to insert the "Who the hell is Bucky?" line! I absolutely read that the same way he said it in CA:CW. iconic line. Will probably set that as my ringtone.

But Pocket's last line about feeling disgusted but empowered at the same time and then wondering if that's how Banjo felt, left a little sour taste in my mouth. I mean, I'm no mathematician but 2 wrongs ain't gonna make 1 right. And I can already tell that was a power trip for her where she feels like she's finally in control of her sexuality for once and that she's not the one being used and hurting this time. That can only mean she's going to crave it some more, which, I mean, in the next part it was stated that it had become a routine at this point. The problem is, she's never going to be satisfied. No matter if they look like Bryce, they're never going to be him on so many levels. One: his dick game is supersoldier strong in both skill and size. Two: he took the time to know Pocket and her body pretty well and how to satisfy her needs. Three: well, she loves him. I'd argue sex with someone you love will always feel better than just casual sex (maybe I'm just a sap but anyway) you can't really get all of the above with random strangers. So now, she's always going to crave that power with no real satisfaction in the end.

Now, Sam...he's trying so hard to get through to her and he did make some great points. They are on a mission, there are lives at risk here so it's not only herself she's putting in danger. So her going out randomly and drinking without any communication is so reckless, and dare I say, selfish because who knows what could've happened to her. But she's so far gone now, unfortunately :( She definitely wasn't ready for this mission and she absolutely wasn't in the right headspace for it no matter how much she said she could handle it. I truly did think if Tony knew what happened to her in full, he never would've offered this in the first place. I mean, Bojack tried to stop her and I kinda saw how it was out of concern for her well-being, but, he did come off a little jealous and possessive on top of what he's done so, so that canceled his opinion. Still, I wish someone would've stopped it, but then again, if someone did, we wouldn't have this story haha. Now, the two of them being the ones to look into Hydra again though, I don't know how I feel about it. But then again, they are the ones who know Hydra the most. Still, I don't trust Jeremiah. I still do think she's a spy.

Now with what happened in that room. It's so hard to see all these innocent girls who are just trying to get by on life be taken advantage of. Obviously Pocket meant well, but she did come off as a little all-knowing when she scolded Chloe. Pocket was right of course, an 18-year-old shouldn't be there at all. But she went about it wrong. I also can't blame her because she probably felt so panicked and scared for her and these girls. But now, Pocket taking two lines right off the bat I just...that's one way to hit rock bottom running I supposed. She did it to spare one girl which is great but, at what cost? I could argue that now she's put herself in a vulnerable position where she wouldn't be able to help any of them. It was a good solution at the moment but in the long run? I mean, she couldn't even remember much of what happened while she was intoxicated, so she didn't even really get much information. I mean she said it herself, she's probably jeopardized the mission. But now, she's feeling free from all the pain and anger and hurt, so what happens after that? She'll crave that moment of peace even more. That's how she relapses. She thinks the drugs are going to be a great escape and that could only end so so badly.

I have a feeling where's still on our ride down this hole and we haven't exactly reached rock bottom yet. And I could nothing but watch and be in it for the ride. Amazing as always! Super grateful for you and for giving us three parts today. Sending you love always!

— Jnon 🤍

Dearest Jnon, Do we share a brain from opposite sides of the world?

I shall address your points by point. I'm sorry I named him Brandon-- I should have avoided a 'B' name, but when I wrote it, I had NO IDEA your beautiful trend would have taken such hold, lol. I just chose one of the most generic, boring names I could think of, lol. And it helped her fantasy that his name starts with a 'B,' too. She thinks she's trying to fuck the memory of Bucky out of her, but the truth is, she misses him; she wants it to be him, to go back to a time and place before he hurt her. She's searching for something to make her feel the way he made her feel (I'll come back to this).

I definitely don't condone The Dick Twist. I think it points to just how off the rails she is at the moment, and I wrote it as her having a trauma response to when he grabbed her. Like, she's only concerned about herself right now, and protecting her wellbeing, both physically and emotionally, and at a kind of throw-back moment where she's being manhandled against her will, she experiences a bit of PTSD. Hence, The Dick Twist (TM). One of the things I wanted to make sure I did with Pocket was ensure she wasn't a "perfect" reader insert. I wanted her to be a full fledged, rounded character all on her own, which means making bad choices and doing questionable things. I don't necessarily think Brandon is some kind of sexual predator who does this kind of thing often; I think he was enticed by the idea of guaranteed sex from a hot, older chick, and then got pissed when he realized he was just being used as a substitute for someone else, and he wasn't going to get anything out of it. He reacted the way I'd expect an immature, selfish college boy would react (how I've seen them react, unfortunately). And yes! Absolute intentional throwback to CA:TWS! It's, without a doubt, my favorite line of dialog in the entire story, lol.

She absolutely SHOULD NOT have gone on this mission, you're right. And if Tony had known the extent of her pain, he never would have sent her. If he knew what she was doing, he'd blame himself, profusely. But, her pride, and her false sense of being over her trauma, kept her from telling the one person she trusts implicitly.

Going to her last line, about feeling disgusted with herself and yet empowered, I definitely didn't make this clear enough, but it has less to do with Bucky than it does with the men who abused her throughout her childhood. She's lumped Bucky in with them at this point (because of him denying her consent after he slept with Jade), and she views her actions against Brandon as taking a kind of revenge on every man who hurt her, not just Bucky (I'm sticking with his actual name so as not to cause confusion with actual Brandon, lol). That's why she feels empowered, but she knows it was wrong, which is why she's disgusted. If that wasn't clear, that's my failure as a writer, and for that I'm sorry. Yes, it was definitely a power trip, feeling in control. She barely mentions it in one of the earliest chapters, but she was fairly promiscuous once she escaped her parents, in a way to reclaim sex for herself (and not panic every time she had it), and she's repeating that behavior here. She's reclaiming it after the way she feels Bucky violated her. It's something she's going to keep doing, but without the violence. We're actually not going to see any more of her "conquests," fortunately, but she keeps searching for someone to make her feel the way Bucky made her feel.

So, coming back to that: It's not going to happen for her, exactly for all the reasons you mentioned. The biggest is #3: She loves him. No amount of strange dick is going to compare to that. Like, they weren't just lovers, they were best friends. Her feelings for him are deep. She thinks that, because she was able to basically fuck herself out of her trauma in the past, she can do it again, but it's an entirely new kind of trauma, with such a powerful emotional component, and it's not going to work for her this time.

Her behavior is extremely selfish, definitely, and it's absolutely going to affect the mission, starting with what happened in that room. With Chloe, Pocket saw herself (and I'll spoil a little something-- Chloe isn't 18), and she panicked, wanting to protect this girl from falling into her old life, but it came out condescending, especially without Chloe knowing anything about Pocket's history. It just made Pocket seem cruel, but it was coming from a place of fear.

I confess, writing this chapter was so fucking depressing for me, I wanted it over with as soon as possible, so I did kind of go for making her hit rock bottom right away. I didn't want to keep her in this space for a second longer than I had to. She definitely put herself in a vulnerable position (as the next part will show) and put the entire mission (and something else) in jeopardy due to her actions, and she'll carry that with her for the rest of the fic.

The spiral-down will continue, but I honestly don't detail it. Like I said, it was hurting my heart, so I felt it was enough to show her get there, then just kind of describe how it continues for a bit. I want the best for our girl, and I hated putting her in this position. But she's tough. It sucks, but she needs to go through this so she can actually process the trauma of her childhood. She thought she had, but until now, she's just repressed it.

Thank you, as always, for your insightful thoughts and theories. I love reading your take things! I love you!

#unwanted #jnon report

8 notes · View notes