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thisdreamplace · 3 years

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ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

#eiypo

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cassyapper · 3 years

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jotaro kujo song analysis: “eight” by sleeping at last

i could not figure out what the fuck to title this for a long time. please forgive me ik it’s awkward but it’s the best i got

anyway the song “eight” by sleeping at last made me mentally ill so let’s get into why <3

here’s a link to the song: https://youtu.be/obi4KCh6eHQ

here’s a link to the lyrics i referenced: https://genius.com/Sleeping-at-last-eight-lyrics

be warned there are part 3, part 4, part 5, and part 6 spoilers in this

with that let’s begin.

“I remember the minute;/it was like a switch was flipped --/i was just a kid who grew up strong enough/to pick this armor up,/and suddenly it fit” Lengthy first line to start this on i know but cutting it up didn’t make sense so please forgive me… Alright let’s get to the meat of this hm? This line is about when jotaro first manifested star platinum. “I remember the minute, it was like a switch was flipped” fits perfectly with how suddenly and obviously star platinum became known to its user, as jotaro first manifests it when he’s in the middle of a fight, a fight star platinum ends very quickly and brutally. The “i was just a kid who grew up strong enough to pick this armor up” is about jotaro having the willpower to control a stand such as star platinum and not get ill over it. He “grew up strong enough to pick this armor up”, this armor being star platinum (which, yes, star platinum is armor more than a weapon because its strength is used to protect. This is stated explicitly in the jin hashimoto song “star platinum” which was written specifically with jotaro/star platinum in mind, as the title suggests). It also shows how young jotaro was re the “kid” description; he was only 17, the youngest jojo up to that point. the “and suddenly it fit” also mixes with how suddenly star platinum manifested, particularly how jotaro gained passable control over it very quickly

“God, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago…/I was little, I was weak, I was perfectly naive,/and I grew up too quick.” Another long line im sorry it just doesnt make sense to cut it up 😭 Anyway this is part 6 jotaro reflecting on his past self, PARTICULARLY part 3 jotaro, which explains the “god, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago…” segment “I was little, i was weak, i was perfectly naive” is kinda gold coming from part 6 jotaro cause end of part 3 jotaro is canonically when he’s at his strongest but i dont think part 6 jotaro is talking about star platinum in this line. He’s talking about jotaro being tactless and rude and pushing away his loved aways in a disillusioned attempt to keep them safe. By part 6, jotaro has to have known his coping mechanism of self-imposed isolation wasnt fair to his loved ones/himself and it clearly didnt WORK as evidenced by jolyne’s situation, so he’s cursing his younger self for it here. Hence, the calling of part 3 jotaro “little, weak, perfectly naive.” part 3 jotaro starts making the bed that part 6 jotaro ends up having to lay in and he hates him for it. The “and I grew up too quick” part is jotaro acknowledging his trauma. Even before part 3 started jotaro clearly had issues and they just kept building and building and building from part 3 and on. Combined with his self-imposed isolation, jotaro had to grow up quick to survive, and this line is part 6 jotaro reflecting on that

“Now you won’t see all that i have to lose,/all i’ve lost in the fight to protect it.” Remember the self-imposed isolation i mentioned in the last line? This line is about why jotaro does that. He hates being vulnerable. He hates relying on others. We only see him comfortable trusting others to take care of things ONCE the entire series, during the steely dan arc, when he believes in kakyoin’s abilities to keep joseph safe and get the lovers out of him safely. ONCE out of the four parts he’s featured in, out of the three he’s prominent in. jotaro does this, as i previously mentioned, out of a disillusioned attempt to keep those he loves safe, hence the “now you won’t see all that i have to lose” line. This behavior is solidified in jotaro at the end of stardust crusaders, when the two final times he tried to trust that others would handle it resulted in the deaths of over of half those he cared the most about (he may have gotten joseph back, but don’t forget that joseph did actually die). Thus, this decisive night ties into the “all i’ve lost in the fight to protect it” line. He’s lost loved ones but he won’t lose them again, not in the same way at least. Ironically, the self-imposed isolation only puts his loved ones and himself in danger, but i can get into that later.

“I won’t let you in, i swore never again --/i can’t afford, no, i refuse to be rejected” This line kinda ties back with what i was mentioning in the last line, but it hones it a bit more on jotaro’s complete denial of being vulnerable rather than how he acts to ensure he isnt such. “I wont let you in, i swore never again” is a direct tie-in for how jotaro feels after stardust crusaders; he is never going to get as close to anyone or anything the way he was close to the crusaders ever again. Nothing is ever going to matter to him the same way and he is going to make sure of that, as the “swore never again” implies, because he is certain, at least at first, that this will keep others safe. The “i can’t afford, no, i refuse to be rejected” part goes into how selfish and arrogant jotaro’s mentality is. Don’t get me wrong, jotaro’s self-imposed isolation can be seen as selfless, especially because the main driving force behind it is to keep others safe -- but it’s not the only force driving it. Like i said, jotaro doesn’t want to be vulnerable, and to be sure he doesnt feel that way, he needs to ensure he won’t be hurt. Can’t be sad when people die if you were never close to them, right? So as much as it is to protect others, he also is protecting himself by closing off from others. It’s also arrogant of jotaro to assume he is the deciding factor of who lives and dies, that he gets to choose/manipulate the cycle of life and death by deciding on if he opens up to others. Jotaro had this mentality of being a “deciding factor” shoved into his head during the journey to egypt, and that kinda warps his worldview as a result; everything must be his fault. Things go bad surely because he let them somehow. And it’s not jotaro’s fault he’s ill in the head like this but it is still arrogant, and the “i can’t afford, no, i refuse to be rejected” line attests to this.

“I want to break these bones until theyre better/i want to break them right and feel alive” Oh jotaro you have the shittiest fuckign coping mechanisms Alright. “I want to break these bones until theyre better” ties into jotaro throwing himself into dangerous situations alone. He’s just so so damn convinced he can handle everything himself -- bc again, he is led to believe he is the deciding factor of life and death -- he just has to try. If things go wrong, it’s bc he didn’t try hard enough, hence the “break these bones until theyre better”; jotaro will hurt himself and will be convinced he deserved it until he “learns” how to be perfect like he’s “supposed” to be. But being perfect isnt something you can learn, you mentally ill motherfucker jotaro. anyway “I want to break them right and feel alive” ties into the fact jotaro would rather break his body over and over and over rather than tell his loved ones he cares. The only right way to be hurt to him is taking a hit that was meant for those he loves. Jotaro is very much a man of action rather than a man of word, and this line is about his rather unique way of acting (that is, getting beat the fuck up over and over) Basically jotaro can’t tell the people he loves that he, well, loves them, unless he is literally dying. Examples of what i mean: jotaro preferred going on a perilous, 50-day journey to just telling holly he loved her; jotaro preferred getting beat over the head with a rock in the lovers arc rather than risk hurting joseph; jotaro preferred to literally get blown up by sheer heart attack rather than tell koichi to his face he is a good kid; jotaro stepped knowingly into a trap for jolyne and had to literally believe he was in fact saying his last words before he uttered “i’ve always cherished you.”

“You were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong --/my healing needed more than time” Oh my GODDDddDDDdcdd im sobbing as i type jotaro your head is so so damn ill Okay so i see him spitting this line towards joseph. Let me explain Joseph would no doubt pick up on jotaro’s ptsd and he’ll do his best to console jotaro over the deaths of their friends. But see joseph is ALSO an ill in the head idiot whose idea of therapy is electroshock and who calls ptsd “shell shock”. So all he can offer to jotaro is “youll feel better in time” because that was kinda true for him; he managed to move on in time. What joseph fails to realize is what made him feel better was not time, but the support of those remaining in his life (lisa lisa, suziq, erina, smokey). But jotaro listens and tries to give it time but the thing with jotaro is he just gets worse and worse as time wears on because he deliberately cut himself off from anyone who could console him (as well as got continually traumatized throughout his life), so time never helped but actually made things worse. Thus jotaro spitting “you were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong, my healing needed more than time”. In terms of timeline, probably happens right after part 5 jotaro stares longingly at the crusaders picture

“When i see fragile things, helpless things, broken things/i see the familiar” Im sorry every new line i start to analyze i begin crying so im just letting you all know incase the coherency takes a dip (as if this was coherent in the first place lmfao) Anyway so this line in relation to Jotaro is about how he projects HARD on the new generation. We see this w his interactions w josuke and koichi, the “fragile things” (there is no way he didnt see koichi as a filler for kakyoin im sorry. Also he just wants josuke safe with his friends like how he wished he was safe with his own friends as a teenager), how he was wary of giorno, “the helpless things” (jotaro is scared he’ll be similar to his dad, just like jotaro is similar enough to dio to share the same stand power…), and his interactions w jolyne, “the broken things” (angry teen in a prison? Come now).

“I was little, i was weak, i was perfect too/now i’m a broken mirror” Throwback to the second line. Once again part 6 jotaro is reflecting but the difference here is that part 3 was when jotaro was last unashamedly happy, but more than that, part 3 jotaro was on his way to healing before everything went to shit. like i mentioned earlier, jotaro only relies on someone else completely once, and that happens in part 3. Jotaro is finally able to trust in someone else’s capabilities, which is what he needed to do before he could allow anyone to help him with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Hence, why part 6 jotaro would describe him as “perfect”; because he would’ve been perfect enough if he could just trust in others like that again But as the line suggests, that went wrong. Jotaro is now a “broken mirror,” which alludes to the fact that while he projects onto the kids, the kids (the ones that know him at least) project onto him as well, especially jolyne, because in part 6 she finally figures out her dad’s thought processes, as she is experiencing those patterns of thinking too. Jotaro is a role model for them in the sense of “see him? Do the opposite of what he did” KJ;DNJ;DN;SN

“But i can’t let you see all that i have to lose/all that i’ve lost in the fight to protect it” Same meaning as before mostly but the repetition is important me thinks because it mimics jotaro like frantically trying to remind himself why he must be distant when all he wanted to do was go home to jolyne and be her father

“I can’t let you in --/ i swore never again,/ i can’t afford to let myself be blindsided” This means roughly the same thing as the previous line that’s similar to this, but the “i can’t afford to let myself be blindsided” is less about jotaro’s selfishness/arrogance and more about how he believes enemies will use his loved ones against him and how goddamn, it would work, it would work so well because jotaro loves so, so damn much It’s a shame distancing himself didn’t work the way he wanted it to and ended up making his loved ones even more vulnerable than they would have been otherwise

“I’m standing guard,/i’m falling apart/and all i want to do is to trust you” (Begins screaming and doesn’t stop) okay so this line is about jotaro and jolyne during the beginning of stone ocean “Im standing guard” alludes to the fact that jotaro is still desperately trying to appear distant and uninterested even as he attempts to break his fucking daughter out of prison “I’m falling apart” ties into jotaro failing miserably at remaining cold towards jolyne, how he eventually caves in and tells her he loves her in addition to taking a literal bullet for her, using time stop to ensure he can make it to her to do so. and also this line ties into how he is literally physically shot and how his memories and stand are taken from him “And all i want to do is to trust you” is directed towards jolyne of course. God his whole “i’ve always cherished you” ties in with this line; like i mentioned earlier, jotaro by part 6 knows his self-imposed isolation is useless, but old habits die hard and also he was in very deep by the time he accepted there was no reason to go in the first place at all. So he doesn’t know how to change, he doesn’t know how to trust jolyne, it’d been 20ish years since he last trusted someone completely, but god he wants to. He wants to trust her. It’s all he wants to do hence this line

“Show me how to lay my sword down/for long enough to let you through” So continuing from the last line, jotaro just wants to let jolyne in. he wants to learn how to do that. I think this line is actually directed towards his younger self; 17 year old jotaro managed to let in a person once, after all (more than one person in fact, but all the crusaders). This would also make more sense w my interpretation of how part 6 jotaro calls part 3 jotaro “perfect” in this regard Essentially it’s jotaro thumbing through his memories to figure out how his past self gathered the security to trust in someone else wholeheartedly...which makes the fact that pucci steals his memories particularly fucked up in this context

“Here i am, pry me open/what do you want to know?” Another line directed toward jolyne. “Here i am, pry me open” refers to how after jotaro tells jolyne he cherishes her, all cards are on the table. He’s shown vulnerability, might as well go full throttle. So, he’s willing to talk to jolyne for the first time ever, especially because she’s a stand user now “What do you want to know?” ties into jotaro being willing to open up, but also the fact that jolyne doesnt really know her dad ):

“I’m just a kid who grew up scared enough/to hold the door shut/and bury my innocence” Hhnghg begins wailing this line is again about post-egypt jotaro. A lot of jotaro’s like...emotional maturation (and even some physical) occurred during the trip to egypt and immediately afterward. he’s in pain and desperately trying to rationalize a way he can be in control of never letting something like what happened in egypt happen again, hence the “im just a kid who grew up scared enough” “To hold the door shut” refers to how jotaro cut off other people, even the people who used to know him very well, like joseph and polnareff and holly “And bury my innocence” i mentioned this in another line but this bit also refers to how jotaro had to grow up quickly to survive, considering his self-imposed isolation and his life path of chasing down dio’s remnants

“But here’s a map, here’s a shovel/here’s my Achilles’ heel” This line is SUPPOSED to be directed toward jolyne but inadvertently it is also directed toward pucci. When jotaro says fuck it and gives up on his pretense of disinterest in jolyne, finally letting her know he loves her, he’s finally building the frame of a bridge to jolyne; he’s ready to do what he’s wanted to for so long, no matter how vulnerable it makes him, and that is to be jolyne’s father. However, pucci takes note of this; he knows to aim for jolyne in the final battle because of jotaro’s earlier actions when he tries breaking jolyne out of prison. It really is a shame how the narrative keeps fucking enforcing jotaro’s shitty self-imposed isolation

“I’m all in, palms out, i’m at your mercy now and i’m ready to begin/i am strong, i am strong, i am strong enough to let you in” Hmm i imagine this line being when jotaro meets back up with jolyne after he gets his memory disk back. The first thing he does is hug her and cradle her close to him, showing off to the world, right in front of pucci, how much his daughter means to him. But jotaro, at least for the moment, is not scared to be vulnerable anymore. Ever since he decided to give up his cold facade, he was ready to let jolyne in, and he finally has the chance to do that at least a little right before the final battle, which is what this line is about

“I’ll shake the ground with all my might/i will pull my whole heart up to the surface” Final battle in stone ocean,,, What the “i’ll shake the ground will all my might” line refers to is jotaro’s willingness to use star platinum the world during the battle. He’s ready to go all in to save the world, and most importantly, save jolyne, even if he has to use the source of his greatest trauma to do it. Jotaro’s a key player and he knows it, has known it for a long time, and this time he’s going to use that for his happy ending. And well, as i mentioned in the last line, jotaro’s done with the self-isolation and throws himself into the role of jolyne’s father, at least as much as he has the right to throw himself into. This is mostly what the “i will pull my whole heart up to the surface” line refers to

“For the innocent, for the vulnerable/i’ll show up to the frontlines with a purpose” More stone ocean final battle. The “innocent and vulnerable” jotaro is showing up for are jolyne, namely, but also hermes and emporio, and beyond that, the world. Jotaro understands how serious this is and he’s always been a force meant for protection, so he is here to do just that, which is what the “i’ll show up to the frontlines with a purpose” line refers to. Jotaro doesnt believe he’s a good person -- and he might not be, in the grand scheme of things -- but he does fight for what he believes is right, he always has, he mentions this way back in stardust crusaders during his fight with kakyoin. He’s never going to let injustice stand, especially not when he knows he’s such a key player

“And i’ll give all i have, i’ll give my blood, give my sweat --/an ocean of tears will spill for what is broken” This line actually applies to all the “final battles” jotaro has been involved in; part 3, part 4, and part 6. Jotaro, as i mentioned in the last line, has a strong sense of justice and is a force that first and foremost tries to protect, which the “i’ll give all i have, i’’l give my blood, give my sweat” part of this line refers to. Jotaro gives his all, has given his all, to rid the world of dio’s influence, he ruined his entire fucking life to do so, and this line gives credence to that. “An ocean of tears will spill for what is broken” refers to jotaro mourning all the what-ifs in his life, which are all tied with how the outcomes of these final battles go. If part 3 didnt end the way it did, jotaro would know how to trust still, he wouldve been happy even, maybe he wouldnt have had to sacrifice the rest of his life to dio; if part 4 didn’t end the way it did, maybe jotaro couldve gone home to his daughter, maybe he couldve been a bit of a better dad (this is because kids were involved in part 4 even if they didn’t try to because stand users attract stand users, and jotaro couldnt risk doing that to his daughter, so he ends up never coming home); and now for part 6, jotaro hopes that if it ends just a little better than the previous two, jotaro could at least died a satisfying death of sacrificing himself for jolyne, or maybe even got a chance to try mending his relationship with jolyne if they both survive

“I’m shattered porcelain, glued back together again” So this line speaks to both physical and emotional states Jotaro was physically “shattered porcelain” when he lost his stand and memory and also was shot, and he was “glued back together again” when he got medical attention and jolyne got back his disks Jotaro was emotionally “shattered porcelain” due to the fact he couldnt trust anyone completely since he was 17 goddamn years old but he’s “glued back together again” in the sense he’s ready to finally, finally try and be vulnerable in order to save his relationship with jolyne

“Invincible like i’ve never been” This line hurts so fucking much because i believe jotaro was optimistic, all things considered, at the beginning of the final fight in stone ocean. After all, he knows he’s an important figure in all this, he has his stand disk and memories back, he and jolyne and the others have a plan, and he has a future he wants to fight for in addition to the world’s continued functioning So he feels “invincible” like he’s never felt before because not even during the part 3 final battle with dio did he have the hope for the future he has now. But then. Then pucci brings out the knives. And the man who could control time never had enough in the end. He dies and cant even save jolyne with his death. The world ends. He failed. I think this is perfectly represented with how suddenly the song ends. It just perfectly encapsulates the tragedy that is jotaro kujo and i cant stop fucking thinking about it

thanks for reading all this if you did. jotaro kujo makes me feel mentally ill

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losingface-mp3 · 3 years

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analysis of eight by sleeping at last and how it relates to aliveburs character

sorry its not super good, i hadnt done this is a while and this is a few months old, just figures i should post it here

I remember the minute It was like a switch was flipped -wilbur snapping at tommy when he lead schlatt to pogtopia, seemed out of nowhere at the time I was just a kid who grew up strong enough To pick this armor up -he had the charisma and the people to start a nation with violence, but was against it, he didnt want to stoop to dream's level And suddenly it fit -when he came into power God, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago I was little, I was weak and perfectly naive -looking back and thinking how stupid he mustve been to try and run a nation with words And I grew up too quick -was given power before he learned that violence was a necessary evil Now you won't see all that I have to lose -he cant let go of his power, even in pogtopia, when everyone is supposed to be equal, you can see how he takes up a leader-like role And all I've lost in the fight to protect it -canon lives, allies, friendships, his son, ect. I won't let you in, I swore never again -trusted schlatt to vouch for them, but just used them to get on the server to try and get his own power, what if techno does the same thing? I can't afford, no, I refuse to be rejected -'if i cant have Manberg, no one can have Manberg I want to break these bones 'til they're better -he believes that violence solves problems I want to break them right and feel alive -self destructive tendencies and poor coping mechanisms, even before pogtopia, he didnt have anyone to vent to, sure he would smoke with big Q but even then he couldnt tell him everything because he was convinced that it was a weakness. he would yell and lash out at people ruin relationships, ect. You were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong My healing needed more than time -likely something philza said to him as a kid, his dad always said things when he didnt understand the full story, he called him a terrorist only to do the same thing 2 months later When I see fragile things, helpless things, broken things I see the familiar -not only is this how he sees himself, but how he sees the people around him, babying fundy, 'you will never be president tommy', 'are you saying i shouldnt do this because of niki?' I was little, I was weak, I was perfect, too Now I'm a broken mirror -reflecting on who he used to be, but also showing how hes become the tyrant he promised to bring to justice, a warped version of all the people he hates I can't afford to let myself be blindsided I'm standing guard, I'm falling apart -he cant let anyone else take advantage of him, so he pushes the people he trusts away so they dont get close enough to betray him And all I want is to trust you Show me how to lay my sword down For long enough to let you through -he wants to trust tommy, he wants to trust the people he loves, but he's scared that without his power he'll be the reason everything and everyone he loves will be taken from him Here I am, pry me open What do you want to know? -talking to tommy and tubbo about how he doesnt care, he will blow up manberg, almost hoping to be asked why, again, there was no one to vent to I'm just a kid who grew up scared enough To hold the door shut -ghostbur talked about how alivebur cried a lot during his presidency and how he wasnt nearly as calm or confident as he let on And bury my innocence -he became callused and more distant from the people he cares about But here's a map, here's a shovel Here's my Achilles' heel -he became dream's vassal, he gave dream exactly what he needed to weaken their shared enemies and himself, and was fully aware that dream knew this too I'm all in, palms out I'm at your mercy now and I'm ready to begin -more about being dreams vassal, how he cant step out now I am strong, I am strong, I am strong enough to let you in -he has cut his emotional ties with l'manberg, it isnt his lmanberg anymore, he's fucked and he will not go down without a fight I'ma shake the ground with all my might And I will pull my whole heart up to the surface For the innocent, for the vulnerable And I'll show up on the front lines with a purpose -he understands that he's become a bad person and he doesnt care but he knows he should so he goes into batle, knowing it would be his last, and hes content with that fact, its for the best And I'll give all I have, I'll give my blood, give my sweat -he will make sure that he, and manberg, are dead An ocean of tears will spill for what is broken I'm shattered porcelain, glued back together again -he knows people will be upset, but theyll be crying for who he used to be, not who he is now Invincible like I've never been -he goes into war with the same air hes had everytime, still acting like he's invincable, like hes at the top of everything, but this time his confidence comes from him knowing that either way, no matter what he does, he will be dead by the end of it all

#dsmp #dream smp #vilbur #wilbur soot #alivebur #pogtopia #tommyinnit #eight sleeping at last #lmanberg #lmanburg #manberg #manburg #song analysis #? i guess

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wreckofawriter · 4 years

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Ship!

@straykidslovesstay: Hello!! I just found your account and I love love love it!! I'd like a ship with a HP character (golden trio or Marauders era). I'm short about 160, short brown hair and at summer blond highlights appear! I'm insecure about my smile, my mental health is a mess, I love dancing (hip hop and break dance) and biking. Thank you lovee

I ship you with...

James Potter!

You found James a bit obnoxious

It wasnt like you hated him, you just thought he was kind of an idiot

And something about him constantly flirting Lily set you off

And then your seat got moved

And by moved I mean that Lily, a girl you barley knew had begged you to switch seats with her in charms

You weren't quite sure why you agreed but you did, and there was no turning back

The first day James was quite upset

He didnt throw a fit, he just got all pouty

You found it adorable annoying

The next day he switched to trying to bribe you to switch back

It didnt work

Finally he tried threats, which you took absolutely none of, the second a menacing word left his mouth you shot one right back

"If you dont switch back I will prank the hell out of you."

"If you even look at me wrong I'll have you and you little quartet in flames."

A prank war quickly began

He underestimated you big time

You struck within the first hour

He returned with a counter attack the next day

Finally you were both living in constant fear of the other and you agreed to stop, claiming a tie was the end result

He stopped complaining about you sitting next to him

Took to distracting you

He doodles on your notes, kicks you under the table or will simply stare at you until you look back and then hold you captive in a staring contest

Your grade in charms began to drop, but you didnt really care, grades had never been much if your concern

Feelings for James grew

It hurt more and more to see him with Lily

You started avoiding him, the pain in your chest grew too immense for you to handle

You switched seats with someone else

James looked defeated it hurt like hell

He tried to find you

You got good at avoiding you did know his entire schedule after all

You had more and more breakdowns

Anxiety began to eat you alive

You were never enough anymore, everything about you was wrong

James stopped pranking, you stopped dancing

Finally Sirius and Remus hunted you down

They cornered you in the library

Sirius was pissed, Remus was concerned

They both confront you about you avoiding James

You get defensive, how was this possibly your fault?

"I'm not the one who's in love with Lily Evans, go talk to your idiot friend not me."

"We tried that! But hes a moron! He still thinks hes in love with Lily!"

"He isnt?"

"Of course not! He fell apart when you started avoiding him, he misses you like hell, hes losing quidditch games, he doesnt even prank anymore."

"Not my problem." It still hurt

More avoiding

You get better at pretending he doesnt exist

You get happier

James continues down hill

Finally he cant take it anymore.

He knows you'll be in the common room during his quidditch games so he skips one

Finds you dancing in an empty room to muggle music he doesnt recognize

Cant look away, your just too cute

"I've never seen you smile like that."

You recognize his voice instantly and attempt to make it for your dorm

He follows you up the stairs, yes they let him up

"Go back to Evans."

James shakes his head, "I dont want to be with Evans. I want to be with you."

Not sure whether you want to slap him or kiss him

So you do both

You start sitting next to him again

He leans his head on your shoulder all the time

He likes it when you play with his hair

You never miss a quidditch match

He shows off when he knows your watching

You try to teach him to dance

Hes helpless, completely uncoordinated

You think its hilarious

He loves it when you smile

Will do anything to make you laugh

He complemnts you constantly

Likes to see you blush

You teach him to ride a bike, he of course is naturally good at it

You go on bike rides a lot

You like to steal his glasses and wear them around

You hold hands under tables, specifically charms

#james potter x oc #james potter imagines #james potter imagine #james potter x reader #james x lily #james potter ship #james potter x you #james potter #marauders au #marauders imagines #marauders era fic #marauders era #harry potter marauders #harry potter fanfiction #harry potter ships #harry potter imagine #harry potter au #harry potter imagines #harry potter

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ilikelookingatthings · 4 years

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Thoughts on Akatsuki no yona: chapter 196 part 1

hmmm.....do I believe kyk-sook about the talk with the king Il and yu-hon?.....I don’t trust mndern day adult version of him in the slightest....but there isn;t much reason to believe he’d lie as a child/teen. Its a interesting situation where Yona is hearing about what happened from Yon-hi’s diary which Yon-hi over heard from the talks of kyk-sook telling soo-won and the other men. but we saw the talks up close like we were there which gives us a reason to think the report must be completely what happened because WE are seeing it as kyke-sook describes. but if we think about it logically we still don’t know for sure.

On one hand it makes it easier to picture and get a grasp of what happened and who said what because we see it as if we were witnessing it ourselves. On the other my extention of disbelieve is having trouble trusting it. it gives off the vibe of ‘how do you know about the things you weren’t there for’. Like kyke-sook was quite a bit away... how did he hear everything? how did he remember everything word for word? We also know lots of people were disappointed in yu-hon not being chosen so would kyk-sook lie to soo-won to get soo-won motivated?

But then again the proof was that soo-won looked at the corpse and was able to find the stab wound that was easy to miss and that it was in the back which lines up and proves those events. AND we know Il has motive.

It would be very easy to think Il thought Yu-hon killed Kaashi. Il has been paranoid his brother would find out her identity f for years. His brother was willing to kill all the priests, women and children included. Heck Il had saved Kaashi from literally burning alive in that fire that first time which had been on yu-hon’s orders. Kaashi was attacked after being invited to visit yu-hon’s wife and the last time kaashi and yon-hi got together was when yon-hi collapsed after the conversation with Kaashi. If Il found out about yon-hi’s illness and the connection to the king hirryu blood King Il would have good reason to suspect his brother might try picking a fight with yona or the priestess/wife if his brother projected his sense of helplessness about his wife’s situation onto them.

We and Yon-hi knows how much yu-hon cared about his brother and wanted to support him and appreciated other people who see his younger brother’s worth. no liking people already depressed before his brother has done anything yet for example. telling yon-hi and his son thathe wants to support his brother and the country. Wanting his brother to hang out with him instead of the priests to the point his tone was too harsh and made Il feel bad for enjoying the one thing people dont carepare and look down on IL for. Yu-hon was really bd at getting his feelings across properly to his younger brother. H e wants to support his brother but he never properly let Il know about that.

even when yu-hon has the best intentions to help he tends to forget to talk to the people involved and his help can hurt. like how yu-hon killed all the priests without asking and yon-hi was terrible sad and hurt because none of her family approved of that and her mom killed herself as well as hurting his brother by taking away the only people who didnt make fun of him(the priests), a lie from his brother hiding yon-hi’s bloodline. then seeing up close and personal and murder and killing of priests who hadn’t done anything warenting being set on fire and the people letting his brother get away with wjth.

There is a chance that yu-hon ordered kaashi or Yona to be attacked if he thought the influence was too strong and dangerious because she was a priest and he thought his brother would rely on the priestess words too much. Or it could have been a attack on Yona due to her being the reincarnation and yu-hon associating that with his dying wife. All of the people supportingyu-hon who heard the words seem to think Il was influenced or deluded thanks to the priestess and that fixationon the religion is the only reason Prince Il was chosen by the original king.

But I do wonder...the priestess kaashi was already dead and Il knows his brothers the popular one. what did he think his brother would do? Il was already going to be king? and we know Il did cry. Yu-hon was thinking of the long term survival of the kingdom and he aparently had a dream of taking over the whole continant according to his followers. Yu-hon definitly seems the more reasonable one daying that Il needs to focus on using the people and puting in work and to not just rely on the gods. Yu-hon was the one actually properly trained to be the leader of the country for years and has the broad enough sense to know you have to rely on people. but we also know Il is right that Yu-hon might care forthe people close to him he will do bad stuff he shouldnt do without a second thought seeing it as justified as a means to a end.

It makes sense why Il wouldn’t trust his brother. especially since we know grief can change people and Kaashi died very recently AND Il is now the king while knowing he isn’t supported by anyone other than Mundeok.

Its easy for us to belive that Il is mistaken and that yu-hon didn’t kill Kaashi. but we are also only viewing him through yon-hi’s lense. the mahoriy of what we see are his good intentions that don’t come out right and trust he fully commited to supporting his brother since he told his wife and kid that.

But Il is also his brother and has seen how far yu-hon will go in other aspects and that even hen you think your safe with the brother if he finds a reason to see you as a enemy yu-hon will change and act swiftly. Though I wonder why Il thought stabbing his brother was the only way. Like couldnt he have looked into who killed his wife and get evidence it was his older brother and judge him in a court?

Did Il think no one would convict him because of how popular he is and that he’d get away with it just as Yu-hon got away with killing all those priests because he was so popular and everyone would prefer him? did Il not want his brothers reputation ruined?

Yon-hi seems to truly believe its possible that Yu-hon killed Kaashi and thats pretty telling. though of course one murder doesnt mean its okay to murder someone else and king Il knew yu-hon had a kid so thats cold. I don’t get why Il wouldnt have done something about kyk-soo since it was clear he witnessed the murder and that it wasnt a accident.

Il seems focused on the dragons and praying....but I wonder if its also a result of no one believing in his abilitities? he has spent years of everyone critisizing him instead of teaching him including his brother, even that wasn’t his bro’s intentions. The one thing he was good at was praying. We know Il showed kindness and consideration to even commoners but we also know he didn’t leave the capital much so probably didn’t have alot of experience seeing how sometimes force is nessacary since the one big show for force what what happened to the priests that he saw. and he robably didn’t have favorable thoughts about the cutting up the head thing. I wonder if Il thought he couldn’t rule with his bro by his side because he couldn’t trust him and might see him as a threat to Yona. Though Il being hyper fixated on religion does seem to be his MO and him bringing up that soo-won can’t replace king hirryu and stuff like that later.

Its definitely noticeable that the ‘cowardly king’ nickname that even Il calls himself...I wonder if Il thinks its fiting because he stabbed his brother in the back and pushed him off the cliff instead of listening to him. Though it makes sense that if Il killed his brother why he wouldn’t want soo-won marrying Yona and that he faced his death head on. I wonder if Il though his brother would stop yona from becoming ruler or something?

I’m kind of enraged that the men told literal child soo-won about his dad literally being murdered by his uncle. They let him dig up his fathers dead body to check the wounds O.O

He is a CHILD. and while its smart because as a kid he would be less likly to get in trouble if found out and Soo-won chose to do this. Soo-won wouldn;t have looked into this if he wasn’ told about the murder. And aparently telling a literal child about it was better then them telling the mom? the PARENT that her husband had been killed by his brother. They let soo-won dig up his fathers corpse and never though to ask her opinion? Like soo-won is practical and he seems unaffected discussing everything but the fuck?

#akatsuki no yona #Il #kye sook #yon-hi #yu-hon #soo-won #yona #kaashi

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firjii · 5 years

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@bleedtealblood-fuckeduplol replied to your post

“lads I have an unpopular take on Mistle from the Witcher books and one...”

Well im curious, dish :3

First of all, I’m not super involved in Witcher fandom so I don’t know the general consensus or historical/current fandom takes on this. I really don’t have the time or energy to do so. I’ve read every Witcher novel with an English translation through “The Lady of the Lake” but don’t really talk to other people about the Witcher universe (except maybe the W3 game). I therefore also doubt I’m the first to say this, so consider it a reminder rather than a revelation.

Putting this under a cut because it’s triggery, but TL;DR.....

Mistle x Ciri is one of my very few NOTP’s.

Why, you ask? Not because of how they treat each other once they’ve been in a relationship for awhile – because to Mistle’s credit, she consistently and genuinely sticks up for Ciri.

But.

Here’s literally their first intimate encounter together. It happens fairly soon after Ciri joins the Rats (from The Time of Contempt, chapter 7, page 322-324 in the U.S. Orbit paperback edition):

[Ciri] heard some quiet steps.

“Don’t be afraid.”

It was Kayleigh.

“I won’t tell them Nilfgaard’s looking for you,” whispered the fair-haired Rat, kneeling down and leaning over her. “I won’t tell them about the bounty the prefect of Amarillo has promised for you. You saved my life in the inn. I’ll repay you for it. With something nice. Right now.”

He lay down beside her, slowly and cautiously. Ciri tried to get up, but Kayleigh pressed her down onto her bed with a strong and firm, though not rough, movement. He placed his fingers gently on her mouth. Although he needn’t have. Ciri was paralyzed with fear, and she couldn’t have uttered a cry from her tight, painfully dry throat even if she had wanted to. But she didn’t want to. The silence and darkness were better. Safer. More familiar. She was covered in terror and shame. She groaned.

“Be quiet, little one,” whispered Kayleigh, slowly unlacing her shirt. Slowly, with gentle movements, he slid the material from her shoulders, and pulled the edge of the shirt above her hips. “And don’t be afraid. You’ll see how nice it is.”

Ciri shuddered beneath the touch of the dry, hard, rough hand. She lay motionless, stiff and tense, full of an overpowering fear which took her will away, and an overwhelming sense of revulsion, which assailed her temples and cheeks with waves of heat. Kayleigh slipped his left arm beneath her head, pulled her closer to him, trying to dislodge the hand which was tightly gripping the lap of her shirt and vainly trying to pull it downwards. Ciri began to shake.

She sensed a sudden commotion in the surrounding darkness, felt a shaking, and heard the sound of a kick.

“Mistle, are you insane?” snarled Kayleigh, lifting himself up a little.

“Leave her alone, you swine.”

“Get lost. Go to bed.”

“Leave her alone, I said.”

“Am I bothering her, or something? Is she screaming or struggling? I just want to cuddle her to sleep. Don’t interfere.”

“Get out of here or I’ll cut you.”

Ciri heard the grinding of a knife in a metal sheath.

“I’m serious,” repeated Mistle, looming indistinctly in the dark above them. “Get lost and join the boys. Right now.”

Kayleigh sat up and swore under his breath. He stood up without a word and walked quickly away.

Ciri felt the tears running down her cheeks, quickly, quicker and quicker, creeping like wriggling worms among the hair by her ears. Mistle lay down beside her, and covered her tenderly with the fur.

But she didn’t pull the disheveled shirt down. She left it as it had been. Ciri began to shake again.

“Be still, Falka. It’s all right now.”

Mistle was warm, and smelled of resin and smoke. Her hand was smaller than Kayleigh’s; more delicate, softer. More pleasant. But its touch stiffened Ciri once more, once more gripped her entire body with fear and revulsion, clenched her jaw and constricted her throat. Mistle lay close to her, cradling her protectively and whispering soothingly, but at the same time, her small hand relentlessly crept like a warm, little snail, calmly, confidently, decisively. Certain of its way and its destination. Ciri felt the iron pincers of revulsion and fear relaxing, releasing their hold; she felt herself slipping from their grip and sinking downwards, downwards, deep, deeper and deeper, into a warm and wet well of resignation and helpless submissiveness. A disgusting and humiliatingly pleasant submissiveness.

Guess what? Even though standing up to Kayleigh was absolutely the right thing to do, what happens next is called duress, and I can’t totally get past it. Even Ciri’s reaction the next morning (a hint that she’s reconsidering her orientation) is questionable.

Ciri didn’t ask to be in that situation. I don’t care what your orientation is. Anyone with a shred of decency doesn’t do that kind of shit when someone’s in survival mode and borderline shock (ffs how horny on main is Mistle that she won’t or can’t consider that?).

If Mistle had left Ciri alone after that or stood guard that night to make sure no one messed with her again, it would be very different and I’d wish them all the best. But that’s not how it went down.

Ciri is a little younger than Mistle and is under pressure to keep herself alive and incognito. That makes Mistle an opportunist at best and a predator at worst, even if Ciri didn’t actively shout “no” or scramble away that night.

Fight and flight aren’t the only two possible reactions in that situation. Not saying “no” isn’t the same as saying “yes” and literally any abuse or rape survivor will confirm that.

Yeah, fine, Mistle makes a point of turning Ciri on, but y’all…it’s not that simple. There’s an oh-so-vague but unmistakable tinge of “what happens if I say no?” and that’s not cool.

I was shocked when the tone between them in later chapters pointed so clearly to a relationship (I kept waiting for a passage where Ciri snapped and took action because she was tired of being someone’s pet, but conversely it makes sense that she doesn’t because she’s desperate not only for safety but also belonging and she finds an approximation of both with the Rats).

I’ve seen plenty of people in fandom totally ignore the above and just gush about the youngest wlw couple in the series.

Um. No. Initial consent – if not outright desire – matters, even if Mistle is still a teenager. Without that element, I have trouble seeing this ship as anything other than grooming, regardless of how they’re portrayed later in the series. I don’t classify that encounter as experimentation. Experimentation tends to imply that a) all parties involved planned it, and b) are willing and able throughout the proceedings.

Mistle x Ciri didn’t start out on equal footing and that should matter to anyone who cares about healthy ships.

#discourse #mistle critical #anti mistle #bleedtealblood-fuckeduplol #i've been sitting on this for soooo long #tw sex #tw implied rape #tw implied abuse #the witcher #ciri #mistle #ciri x mistle #meta #fandom critical #not da

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missjackil · 5 years

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Miss Jacki’s Top 30 Favorite Episodes

All Hell Breaks Loose pts 1&2

I believe these are landmark episodes for every SPN fan. Im going to treat this like one episode because it really seems like one single episode.

A little back history, I came to this show late, it was already in S11 when I started binging fron the beginning. It was by the request of my friend, who had tod me a few times that she thought Id love the show, and I didnt believe her. fanatasy/horror/super hero shows are not my genre. I like dramas like NCIS and House MD but this? This is kid stuff.... not my thing. But I took her advice and watched. She made me promise to watch the first 2 seasons and if I still didnt like it by the end of S2, we could move on. So I did. I didnt think seasons 1 and 2 sucked, I liked Sam Dean and John a lot but, the monsters, acting, and overall story was meh IMO. S2 was better, at least one or two more episodes from then made it to my top 30, but this one sealed my fate. I had heard a lot about this amazing, unmatchable chemistry these two had, but I wasnt really feeling the love. They fought constantly, Dean seemed too clingy and Sam seemed to not want to be with him much at all. and I wasnt really seeing this epic bromance I had been told about. And then All Hell Broke Loose! Sam mysteriosuly gets zapped away to demon camp, and Dean is desperate to find him. Sam’s side of the episode is very interesting, we are really seeing his leadership skills in action, and how he can be totally freaked out and not let it show. Jake, was such a good character, Im still upset he didnt stay around for a while, even as a bad guy.

Of course, the most important part of these episodes is that Sam is killed, and Dean’s brokeness and despiration. Im very shocked at first that Sam actually dies. I had thought since the show was in its 11th season at the time, that Sam and Dean cant/don’t die ever, so I never really had much concern for their well being. I learned they could be beat to hell and next episode they’re shiney and pretty as new, and if they’re still on the air, they obviously cant die right? And in a sense its true that they cant die, or stay dead, they still somehow manage to make their deaths very traumatizing. I learned here, that its not so much that one brother died, its more about the reaction of the other. Sam and Dean never know its not final. We may know, but they dont.

Jake and Sam have this big fight. Jake is strong af but Sam manages to hold his own. This solidifies the notion I had, that even though Dean is the agressive one, and much faster to punch or kill, Sam Winchester is NOT a wimp. not a “damsel”. He is also strong af, a damn good fighter and has a very high pain threshold. He knocks the super charged “benched 800 lbs stone cold calm” Jake out cold. Almost kills him, but decides against it.... he wont make that mistake again eh? Walking away with apparently a broken shoulder, or arm, he hears Dean and sees him in the distance. DEAN!!! Sam smiles and releif washes over him, Dean isnt dead!! But right in front of Dean, Jake comes in from behind and stabs Sam in the back, and slices.... and severs Sams spinal cord WTF?? This scene is etched in every fans mind forever. Jensens acting here is nothing short of oscar worthy, but lets take a minute to appreciate Jared’s also. He doesnt have a speaking part right here, but he is truly portraying someone with a severed spinal cord. He falls to his knees to be imediately caught by Dean. He cant hold his head up, lift his arms, or even keep his eyes straight.He cant talk or even gasp for breath. Dean knows but is in complete denial. He’s gonna fix it, thats his job!! Take care of his pain in the ass little brother!! Deans shock and denial, along with his honest helpless greif, destroys me! The way he holds Sam and screams his name... and then burries his face in Sams hair and cries. I just cant! Next, we see that Dean has carried Sam’s body to an abandoned shack, and laid him on a mattress. Dean has laid Sams hands on his stomach like he’s resting. For a day or more, Im not sure, Dean stands there and stares at his dead little brother. He refuses to bury or burn him. Bobby doesnt want to leave him alone, he obviously cant handle this situation, but Dean has no shits to give. The person he loves most in the world is gone. Screw everything else. Dean starts talking to dead Sam and this is heart wrenching. These 2 episodes change everything as far as their brotherly relationship goes. Its no longer just close, and deep its psychotic, irrational, dangerous, and the most beautiful thing ever! Dean doesnt know what to do. This is the absolute worst part of losing someone you love. The next step, what do you do? How can you even begin to try to continue to live? Dean is beyond desperate. He goes and sells his soul to bring Sam back. And he doesnt get 10 years or even 5, he gets 1 year. 1 year and then he’s damned to eternal torment in hell. They cant try to break the contract or Sam dies again. A terrible trade off, but Dean takes it. When he sees Sam standing there in the room, alive, he gives him such a great hug!! This begins my obsession for brohugs!! Fast forward to the cemetery scene. A lot is going on here, Azazel is griefing them, Jake opens the hell gates (though the boys are blamed for this forever) Azazel asks Dean is Sam is REALLY the same old Sam?? We all wonder if Sam is ok when he stone cold shoots Jake repeatedly, with that one little blood drop on his face. Overall, Sam seems like Sam, but we at least know hes a little more killy now lol. We get a bonus reunion with John, he touches Deans shoulder, gives him a tearfilled smile, and looks at Sam. For a long time, I was a little bit bitter that John didnt show any affection to Sam, but then I realized, or maybe its just a head canon, but John may have known that Dean sold his soul for Sam, and Joh was silently telling Dean he understood. John sold his soul for Dean, so he was like “The things we’ll do for love, right son?�� John did some crappy things, but no one will ever convince me that he didnt love those boys with all his heart. Sam figures out that Dean sold his soul for him, and hes pissed. But he finally comes out with what I needed to know for 2 seasons “Youre my brother... theres NOTHING I wouldnt do for you”. Yes... Sam is just as irrational, psychotic, and dangerously in love with Dean.And with that.... I was sold on SPN. I dont regularly go back to watch these episodes, but when I do, it still tears me up. Even moreso now that so much has happened because of it. Sometimes, something big happens on the show and the negative people say that it makes this, or Deans trip to Hell, or Swan Song lose meaning, and it truly doesnt. It makes those things have more meaning. Everything that unfolded after those events up till now makes them more critical and adds the question “if they had known, would they still?” And knowing the answer would be “yes” just makes it all that much more brutally wonderful, Now, go watch these episodes again, keeping in mind everything that transpired from it, and when Dean sobs at losing his little bro for the first time, allow your heart to break more for the big picture.

#my fav episodes #6 #all hell breaks loose #literally #sam and dean

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swampgallows · 6 years

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i need help. i cant do anything. even in europe all i did was trail behind. i didnt book anything or research anything. i just followed along. everybody else planned everything and i just followed behind.

i dont know what will happen to me without coverage. i need to make calls but i dont know what will happen. i really need help and i really want to be able to do things without my parents. there is so much my parents dont know and that i dont feel safe telling them. there is so much i dont trust my parents with but they control everything. they dont even know i quit my job because i was going to kill myself. ir eally want to get help. and i really need to get help. and i feel like the only way i can truly do it is if im entirely removed from this environment for an extended period of time. i thought europe would be the thing to help me enough but during the last few days when i realized i was going to have to come back here i started panicking and getting sick. and since i got home my body has been rejecting even the most mild of foods (oatmeal, applesauce, eggs and toast) and i cant sleep for more than a few hours at a time, at random. and i cant focus on anything again, and i only managed to draw something for a little bit when my mom was at the hospital again.

i hate that i cant do anything alone but i feel like when im by myself i’ll disappear. but even when im with people i fall out of existence and stop being a person. i cant be here. im struggling to be here any more as a person.

i had canceled my wow subscription (i guess?) so it wouldnt charge me while i wasnt playing and i havent started it back up again yet. i opened hots but i didnt play it. i cant even play video games.

i really need help. i really need to get somewhere where i can be away from this environment and get help or im just going to sit in my bed until i die. im dissociated more than im grounded nowadays, even on the trip. if eel like unless im in a super safe and time-constrained situation (like a rave or at a restaurant?? or something) i cant be a human being. like i have to have a scripted event and i cant exist outside of it. i dont know what to do with myself unless im being perceived or something like that.

i hate writing about this stuff on tumblr but it’s making me lose my mind if i dont get it out somehow. it’s just spinning in my head and all i can do is sit here. it’s 4 in the morning and i thought about cleaning my room to do something productive while not having to be a person, per se, but it’s 4am and it would be too loud. i thought about getting in my car and driving around a little while the streets are super empty but my mom is awake and sitting by the door.

im so fucking sick of my parents knowing about every single thing i do. i cant be a person independent of them if i cant do or say anything without them knowing. and even if i put up my middle finger and say like FUCK YOU IM DOING THIS like my sister does it doesnt matter, in the end they still control everything and they still KNOW. i still have to come back to their house to go to bed, and even if im gone for days they know im gone. my sister is looking into renting a place with her shitty chaotic boyfriend (even though she swore up and down that she would NEVER move in with him) just so she doesnt have to fucking live here. AND SHE’S 29 AND I’M 27 WE SHOULDNT HAVE TO STILL LIVE WITH OUR PARENTS BUT NO ONE IN MY GENERATION CAN AFFORD TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT LIVING WITH 9 STRANGERS FOR 800 A MONTH EACH, AND THOSE NUMBERS ARE NOT EXAGGERATED

it was such a relief when i was in europe to just not check in with them at all or have to tell them anything. not even ‘hey i’m here safe!’ fuck you. i barely even posted on facebook about it except for checking in to places on swarm, and not to tell them, but just to do it, because it’s what i’d do anyway. “thanks for the update” my sister wrote, like i was supposed to tell them sooner. it’s none of their fucking business. they are not part of the equation at all. i bought the plane ticket, i paid for my share of the hotel and hostel and apartment, AND i was planning to drive myself to nate’s house until my mother fucking berated me about it and dropped me off instead (they were using my car that week anyway).

my sister is on a career path and so is my brother and im not. i havent tried learning coding again in a while. i really do not have anything to live for, im not in love with anybody and i have no dreams and i dont even want to get married really and i DEFINITELY do not want children, i still feel like a child, i feel too helpless and stupid to do anything, my art is WAY below the professional level and i couldnt even fulfill all the commissions i took, i barely even draw for myself. i dont do anythign for myself. i cant even take care of myself. im full of self-destructive impulses maybe because i feel like if it gets bad enough my parents will give a shit about me, or something, but they dont, or they cant, theyre incapable. i think about all the healing i have to do and all the trauma ive been through and how my mother takes even that away from me, using it to further her own self-flagellation about what a bad mother she is. even if i killed myself, my suicide would matter to her more as a means to further punish herself than as a loss of my life. and i know this because when i was hit by the car and didnt have the self-preservation to call for help or do anything, all she did was scream at me at the top of her lungs and then complain about what a bad mother she was that she apparently never taught us to call our parents.

i had to throw up when we were driving back to lax to drop cookies off and i thought i could make it. i puked all over myself, bad, in nate’s car, and he said, “you need to just tell me if you have to and i’ll pull over.” and i legitimately didnt even think of that. i am so accustomed to just suffering in silence and then getting punished afterward that i didnt do a solid for myself or for my friends by just giving a heads up about what was happening to me. i just let it happen and dealt with the consequences. and that thought really unnerved me. why didnt i say something? did i really think he would get mad at me for asking, for having the audacity to get sick? was i embarrassed??? well i was sure as fuck embarrassed for puking all over myself like a fucking infant, so why didnt i just say something? like who the fuck does that? i just sat there fighting it, thinking it would go away, instead of saying like “dude, can we pull over? i think im gonna throw up.” maybe i didnt want to be an inconvenience, or ruin the good time, or be needy, or draw attention to myself, or possibly make cookies late for her plane (she had more than enough time and it wouldnt have been a problem at all. pulling over for a minute wouldnt have mattered. we werent even on the freeway.) so why didn’t i even think to say something?

i was never like this. i was never somebody who didnt stand up for myself.

or was i? i dont know. i have avenged people in the past, speaking up for them when they didnt have anyone on their side, so why cant i speak up for myself? i didnt say anything when i was being molested, or raped, but i was just a child. but ive been ground down more and more to be more subservient, quieter, helpless, and the few times i try to defend myself or make a stand or speak up i end up saying a very wrong thing or being extremely rude or just embarrassing myself by saying something foolish. or i come off as aggressive.

aggression.

i have nothing so i have nothing to ground me and nothing with which to assert myself. as time goes on i feel weaker and weaker, more and more feeble and like i need permission to be alive. i cant be open with my family about nearly any of my beliefs or interests, hence why i am so fervent and adamant them in spaces that i can be (like, here, for instance, blogging until i am blue in the face about warcraft and dumb rave shit). in person i feel foolish among other wow fans, who play the game better than i do and know more about the lore than i do, and i am made to feel like an imposter (FUCK YOU spellcheck i prefer the -er) or an idiot or a “fake fan” or like “wow you dedicate so much of your life to this and you still dont know a fucking thing, what a loser, what a moron”. and i feel that way about rave shit too. hanging around other DJs and shit who know so much more about their specific areas, things im not necessarily against knowing but havent really done the research on my own, i feel like i’m nothing, too.

i dont have any worthwhile qualities and especially nothing that i’m capable of doing to a lucrative or productive degree. i have a worthless art degree, speaking of which, after 5 interminable soul-crushing years at a university that ground me in its teeth and made me feel like i belonged as a smear on the pavement. and then i almost was that after being hit by a car during what was supposed to be my final semester.

im just really not supposed to be here and i have nothing to offer. and i know nobody is “supposed” to be here but i dont even have the means to act like it or to make myself useful. i cant even be useful to myself. i cant even do the things i have an inkling of wanting to do. i just start hitting myself or crying even when i try to do the things that will make me happy. the amount of times ive been at my tables mixing away and then beating the shit out of myself at the slightest mistake and having to sit in the bath for an hour to calm down are innumerable. drawing isn’t as violent, unless im interrupted, in which case it becomes a heavy weight, like an anvil on my forehead, screaming about all the time i was wasting, and how i spent x hours on this and it still looks like shit or it’s completely pointless or “oh orcs again how fucking original you fucking cuntrag of course your favorite is the inexcusably evil and violent genocidal piece of shit character you constantly try to “fix” in your head and make excuses for because youre a broken worthless idiot addicted to abuse since being used is the only function you have in this world”

im kind of glad r/incel was banned because i was developing kind of a hate-read addiction to seeing screenshots on here. i never went to the reddit itself but being raised on that kind of mentality brought back a lot of feelings, and i was trying to train myself to just laugh at those posts, but so many people like that have ruined me in the past that i ended up feeling like i had a duty to “hear” them out. i was practically raised by men who would now be classified as “incels” and that rhetoric comprised a bulk of my understanding about sexuality, especially when my introduction to the entire concept of sex was through entitlement via rape. i thought letting myself be abused was some act of altruism, and that men wanting to possess me was something admirable and validating, especially since i was so ugly, that they in turn were being charitable by allowing themselves to be associated with me, that the least i could do was let them get some kind of pleasure out of it.

sure i didnt know any better as a child but im still fighting these feelings as an adult. i cant even navigate my own feelings about men. the pirate wants to go to bar sinister again on saturday (with smee, luckily) but i still cant feel out if it’s a date or not, and i still cant decide whether or not i’m comfortable with it being a date, since i dont know what attraction is, i dont want to hurt the guy’s feelings, and i’d like to stay friends, and i dont want to make him mad, and i dont want to lead him on either, and i DONT KNOW WHY i am basically arguing with myself as to whether or not i should ‘let this happen’, that i should just allow something to happen to me, again, because i “pursued” this man enough to let him know i wanted to get to know him better and hang with him outside of just seeing him on the bus, but i do not believe i have ever consciously pursued someone romantically IN MY LIFE (and if i did i was the last to know i was doing it). i have never had the thought “I want to date this person” because i dont fucking know what dating is, i dont know what anything is, i dont fucking know anything, i am not someone who would intentionally make a “First Move” on someone in the way of “wow i want to kiss this person so i had better get to know them better” like they do in the movies.

ultimately i guess i cannot ever imagine someone respecting me and being reciprocal with me. cannot ever imagine someone wanting to be around me for me and not because of some ulterior motive, like that theyre in love with me because of some shit emotional labor they squeezed out of me or some naive infatuation theyve conjured up in their heads about how we’re going to be married someday even if i explicitly reject them outright on several separate occasions, or how they’re so emotionally stunted that me being a cordial human being and sharing a trace of interest with them (wow youre a girl, AND you play video games? AND you have hooves?) translates into a crush because they have zero boundaries or understanding of women.

cause like, im a fucking disaster area. i dont even want to be around me. i cannot even look at myself in the mirror, my insecurity is volatile, i’m incredibly unstable and i have no self-preservation or means of independence. if you want to be dragged down in every facet possible, look no further: i am a living embodiment of trench foot. so because i deem myself having no value i dont see why anyone else could. which is why im comfortable with traces of platonic shit and why social media is perfect. it’s meaningful enough interaction to let me know that i, individually, have value, but superficial and ephemeral enough to know it’s not because anyone has any weird fucking obsession with or bias toward me. my art appears on their dash in a flash and if they like it, they like it, and that’s it. they dont gotta say shit, and it’s an entirely objective Unit of Value not based on any expected performance from me or my identity as a human being. Just, deemed worthy, and if they add their own addendum or something it’s because they’re contributing to something larger, not directly feeding into my ego/personhood.

and in turn, on my blog i can provide whatever sort of content i want without expectation and at the end of the day even if it goes unnoticed, im not doing it for any means to an end so ultimately its impact is irrelevant. like, thank fucking god. my blog doesnt provide a service to people where they expect some kind of Product, and they can opt out at any time. as long as im not going around hurting people (and obviously i would never want to do that) my blog doesnt matter, and i dont have to matter.

“you matter”. fuck off. maybe i dont want to matter. maybe im better off just being a transient, tied to nothing and no one to keep from burdening anybody or burdening myself by feeling like i have to be fucking “useful” all the time.

for how truly invisible i feel all the time, it’s ironic how much i wish i could be.

#blathering

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dustingrayves · 7 years

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pairing: sormik WC: 1484 rating: T AU: witch hunt au notes: right so this is the beginning of an au i kinda abandoned, but i dont really wanna get rid of it cause it has a few nice lines that im actually proud of,,,, ://

theres an explanation of the au at the bottom -b

The night, with its twinkling stars and lack of any burning lanterns, provides the perfect cover. Slipping in and out of narrow, crooked alleyways, no one would notice a shadow, silent and quick.

A lantern, dark and smelling of hot wax, dangles in his hand, carefully gripped so it makes as little noise as possible. The other hand hugs a gray cloak close, its edges fluttering to and fro as he walks.

Just a little more.

He rounds a corner, and another. Ducks to the side, crosses the street in two calculated steps. Slips into an alley where even his skin shines likes the moon. Winding the cloak ever closer to himself, he raises one gloved hand and taps the leathered knuckles over a wooden door, thrice.

A tiny slit opens between the heavy planks, two eyes looking through it. They regard him, wait until he pulls the hood back enough to expose his face, his shining eyes, and then the slit closes again.

The door opens with a squeak that could be mistaken for a mouse. He wastes no time and slips inside, the tension fading from his shoulders as if on command as the door clicks closed.

"Is it Tuesday yet?" the guard -Edna, tonight- pipes up, but there's no bite to her barking.

"I had to see him," he sighs, turning to look at her. She had already retaken her seat by the door, a single chair propped against its handle, and is now twirling her umbrella. Opening an umbrella inside means bad luck, his mind supplies immediately. The last thing they need is bad luck. He pushes the thoughts that follow back, forcefully. "How is he?"

"Better," Edna says, as if it were that simple. The concern lacing her brow is still evident, however, no matter how hard she tries to cover it with her usual stoic mask. "Better than before."

Leaving Edna to her assigned duty, he twists on a heel and marches up the stairs, steps muffled by the imported carpet. The upstairs is quiet as well, but if he strains his ears, he can hear the hushed sounds of a conversation.

He follows it to the first door on the right.

They changed it again. The bed that used to be in the middle is now pushed to the side, with just a little free space left between it and the wall. Whether that's to keep it from the cold of the nightly bricks or to ease the access of anyone on cooling duty, he isn't sure. The table is pressed next to it, and the free space is now occupied by chairs, arranged around a smaller table. Three chairs, two occupied.

Lailah perks up, expecting Edna, her eyes calming from confused concern to just understanding, and her shoulders relax again.

"Sorey," she says, instead of a welcome. Zaveid nods his way.

"Hey guys," Sorey replies, pushing the hood back. His hair springs free, tousled and wild. The cloak ends up chucked over the backrest of the empty chair. He can’t resist asking, even though Edna already told him, "How is he?"

"Fever went down," Zaveid tells him. Sorey rounds the sitting spot, leans over the bed. His fingers right the snowy hair before pushing it out of the way so he can feel the Seraph's temperature himself. He isn't a physician, and can't tell if this is Mikleo's normal temperature, but it doesn't feel like his insides are on fire anymore. He breathes an unconscious sigh of relief. "He's been like this since last night. With some luck, he'll wake up soon."

"Thank gods," Sorey mumbles, pulling his hand away.

Like this, Mikleo looks like he's just sleeping. His face is calm, if a little paler than usual. His lips are chapped, but parted. The half empty cup on the table lets Sorey know that either Lailah or Zaveid had made him drink recently.

"Were you really that scared? If anything happened we'd tell you, you know?" Zaveid says, with his legs on the table. If Sorey didn't know him, he could easily take his teasing as nonchalance. But he also knows how much time Zaveid spent sitting by the bed, replacing the cold rag on Mikleo's forehead when he was wracked by the fevers.

"I know." Sorey offers him a smile, one that lights up even the circles under his eyes. "I just..."

Zaveid spares him the need to say the words. "We know, buddy."

Sorey pulls the chair away from the other Seraphim and sits by the bed, looking over the passed out boy with a valiant gaze. "Wake up soon, Mikleo," he whispers, low enough for the others no to hear him.

"-ake up! Wake up!"

He's shaken, but it takes a moment to come back to the land of the waking. Sorey's eyelashes flutter and he stirs, blinking up. Zaveid towers over him, even more than usual now that he's sitting.

"Wakey, wakey," the Seraph teases, "we got breakfast."

"I fell asleep?" Sorey asks sleepily, lifting a hand to rub the sleep crust out of his eyes. According to the crick in his neck, yes, he did.

"Yup," Zaveid confirms, "You'd make a terrible guard."

Sorey can feel blood rushing into his cheeks. "Sorry," spills from him before he can think.

"But you weren't the guard, so don't worry. You gave me some more private time with Lailah." Zaveid lifts his brows in an implication.

"I read his fortune!" Lailah pipes up innocently, a piece of bread with honey poured over it in her hand. She's eyeing it, paying close attention not to spill any.

Zaveid's brows come back down. And then furrow. "She said I would die alone."

"Well, you probably won't die alone," Sorey says, standing up and stretching his arms. His joints pop with satisfying sounds. "You'll probably get killed, and that means that there will at least be your killer around. Probably a whole crowd, in your case."

"Thanks buddy, really appreciate it," Zaveid deadpans.

Sorey drags his chair back to the table and accepts the butter knife Lailah hands him. He grabs a piece of the bread and spreads butter on top, following her example of a honey meal.

Zaveid joins them and they eat in silence. Somewhere along the way, Edna comes upstairs, pulling along her own chair, presumably from the other room (though Sorey wouldn't really put it past her to take it all the way from downstairs). She joins them with only a remark of 'Zaveid's really quiet. Finally.'

They finish their meal and Sorey grabs his cloak again. He does, however, pause in the doorway, eyes falling onto Mikleo's unmoving form again. "I'll come again tonight," he promises.

"You know it's dangerous," Lailah says, her brows furrowing. "What if somebody sees you?"

"I didn't get caught yet! Don't worry!" Sorey tries to reassure her, but he himself knows what would happen if someone were to see and -gods forbid- follow him. Associating with Seraphim is the biggest form of treason, and punishable by a Seraphic trial along the Seraphim. Edna might be able to survive underwater by building a barrier, but he sure can't. He shudders at the thought; pushes it back where it came from, to the dark corner of his betraying mind.

"Just be careful, I don't want to follow my brother's steps," Edna says, using a hendkerchief to wipe stray droplets of honey from her fingers.

Sorey's eyes lower at the mention of Eizen. He puts on his coat in silence, and in silence he also slips out, leaving them alone to tend to Mikleo.

The morning streets greet him with people already bustling about, erecting their stalls and hauling the night's catches over. He can pull the cloak off when he gets to the heart of the market, no one paying him any mind as they mill about, hell-bent on getting the best fish today has to offer before someone else swoops in and steals them.

Sorey stops at a stall and buys a pair of handfuls of freshly caught prawn, despite himself. No one spares him a glance as he's handed the clothed bundle.

No one knows.

It always sends a pang of paranoia through him, when he's around people. He'd be lying if he said he's scared for himself and the possibility of being drowned or hung as a traitor to humanity. What truly strikes fear into his heart is the thought of Zaveid getting set ablaze. Of Lailah being tossed to the bottom of a lake. Of Edna pushed off a cliff, bound and helpless.

Of Mikleo, still unconscious and weak, being buried alive.

He finds himself gripping the cloth bag so tight that his nails bite into his palm through it; his heart is hammering and breath short. He takes a moment to calm himself and slips through the ever-unaware crowd back home.

WITCH HUNT AU;

aka medieval au where all humans hate and hunt the seraphim. theyre very, very ostracized and humans arent allowed by law to even talk to one. getting caught helping one (much less four) is punishable by a public execution. even rumors are enough to get inquisition on your ass; be careful!

sorey grows up alongside mikleo, a boy he met by the lake. mikleo admits hes a seraph a few years down the line, because he trusts sorey. and, just as expected, sorey makes sure to keep him safe and sound.

they meet the gang eventually, because mikleo, being a seraph, can tell when there are others around. lailah gets herself backed into a corner by a mob after badly dodging a question about her looks. burn her. no, she is fire. kill her! drown her! sorey and mikleo snatch her and lead the angry mob on a wild chase around the city that they know like the backs of their hands. edna is outed when she tries defending eizen before his execution. its just wild luck that mikleo was around. it was absolutely coincidental that the lake suddenly formed a tsunami-like wave. absolutely. zaveid finds them. he tries to flirt with lailah in the pub. needless to say, the poor guy is let down. at least the beer is close.

they dont meet rose and dezel until later. dezel protects rose to the best of his abilities, almost to the suicidal edge. rose doesnt even know hes a seraph until they meet the guys

eli told me this is basically canon (the human & seraphim hating each other), so i kinda scrapped this idea since i didnt want to seem like i was. idk. wrongly copying the canon. i know nothing about berseria

#tales of zestiria #sormik #eso's fics #witch hunt au #noncommital shrug #mine

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synthwanderer-archive · 7 years

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Sole Party Day 7 - How has your Sole changed from leaving Vault 111 to now? Are they happy?

Well i believe anyone that knows Vaughn Zander does think that he is kind and generous and a total sweetheart (they arent wrong)...but let me tell you something...he wasnt like this when he got out the Vault...

under read more cause its very long yea...(also excuse my writing lmao)

more info about him HERE or mobile version here and also onto my blog under the tag “sole survivor vaughn zander”

@hawkfurze

After he got out the Vault, he was shocked to see how the world changed and how much he lost. Also the memory of Nora being shot and his son taken away was still playing before his eyes...After he spoke to Codsworth, he got out from Sanctuary and was on his way to Concord. In his way there were 2 traders that teased Vaughn and he was so angry he actually shot them and stolen their supplies...

When he got at Museum of Freedom he ran into the building to escape the raiders. Even that at first he refused to help Preston and his group (”I HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS, I DONT HAVE TIME FOR YOU!”) he changed his mind when he can get a Power Armor and also he can get some information on some detective...Anyway he helped them then he escorted them to Sanctuary, letting them to settle, but not to touch his house, also he asked Codsworth to come with him. Before he left, Preston asked him if he can be their General, given that he may lead them and remake the Minuteman. Vaughn just scoff off and said he will think about this.

Arriving at the Diamond City, he played Piper’s game to get into the city and find out about Nick Valentine and how he can help him find Shaun. He even gave an interview for Piper, but he only complained how Diamond City was, how are the people these days and other complains..Anyway, he found out about Nick, he went to rescue him. But their exchange wasnt so friendly, Nick told him he was made by the Institute and has no memory of them, and Vaughn was very angry on Nick, even yelled at him and called him a spy (Codsworth needed to calm him down and apologize to Nick for his behaviour).

After they found Kellogg, Vaughn lost all his control and caught Kellogg, ready to rip off his head, but Kellogg managed to shoot him in the left leg, but Vaughn still snapped his neck, then trying to take care of his wound. Nick helped him out and tried to explain to Vaughn he better take care and not be so impulsive in a fight, but Vaughn didnt cared for his advice.

After they went to Doctor Amari, Nick talked a bit in Kellogg’s voice, which just angered Vaughn and yelled at him,telling him he will kill him again, which scared Nick. Vaughn asked Nick how he didnt realized Kellogg talked through him and he wasnt even sure he wanted to take Nick with him in the Glowing Sea. Nick insisted he needs help and company there, the place was dangerous. Vaughn agreed but in his mind he thought if Kellogg will take control of Nick, he will put down the synth.

They got back to Sanctuary so that Vaughn gets his Power Armor, and Preston again asked him if he really wanted to help the Minuteman. Vaughn again was harsh to Preston, telling him the Minuteman has no chances. Nick saw the exchange and he wanted to talk about this later.

In the Glowing Sea, all went well until 2 Radscorpions attacked them. In the fight Vaughn’s Power Armor broke down, one leg was broken, the Power Core had no more energy and he couldnt even shoot. the Radscorpions went for him and he was very scared, even was cryin and muttering sorry’s for Nora and Shaun, but Nick distracted the Radscorpions and told Vaughn to get to safety. Vaughn managed to get into Atom’s settlement, still being in shock he was almost killed. Nick too arrived safely, and Vaughn got out the Power Armor and hugged Nick, crying into his shoulder and thanking him between sobs. Nick was glad they both escaped alive and tried to calm Vaughn down. After a few minutes, Vaughn asked how he can thank him. Nick said he doesnt need any reward, he just wishes that Vaughn will become more helpful, to control himself and to help other people. Vaughn stayed a bit to think but then he realized he has a responsability to take it and promised to Nick he will try to help other people, just like Nick helped him alot.

After he got out the Glowing Sea, Vaughn went to Preston and apologized for his behaviour and he wishes to help. Preston was very happy to hear this but asked him how he changed his mind. Vaughn said he now knows how people feels helpless in the face of danger and he wont allow happen this to innocent people.

Since then he changed alot, slowly becoming his old self, the generous, kind hearted, helpful person he was before the war. He even joined BOS for having access to heavy weapons and to infos about Commonwealth, but also to receive training from Danse.

Now he is happily married with Hancock, takes care of little Shaun, secures and maintains the settlements, keeps an eye on BOS, tries to keep peace between BOS and Railroad, also between the factions of Far Harbor and cleared out the Nuka World of Raiders.

#sole party #hawkie look #sole survivor #fallout 4 #fallout oc #fo4 oc #fallout 4 oc #sole survivor vaughn zander

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olive-angel-sweetie · 5 years

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10/26/19

god today was horrible ifeel so shitty. my life should be easy but its not and i need to get thesee miniscule problems out of my mind where the taunt me and haunt me foever and ever. I need them to leave. i need to see that they are just small.

Got my period. ugh

Sweetie needed to have a medicated bath today. Giving her a bath is so hard and messy i was dreading it. i woke up and ate and walked and fed the dogs and saw leo. leo kind of made me mad because whenever i ask him about things he just doesnt answer me and doesnt want to tell me and its so hurtful and i feel like hes hiding some thing from me which feels terrible. I just wanted to go to sleep after that and i slept for a long time. I wish i wouldnt just sleep when i had a problem.. i should just get some coffee or something to wake up. im going to take sweetie to petco to get bathed its jsut too much i cant take it here.

Then i woke up the dogs were barking. I walked them. then i got prepared to give sweetie a bath.. my back hurt so fucking bad when i was doing it. she makes it so hard by running away and constantly trying to get out. i put coconut oil on her too and she kept trying to eat it. I love her but taking care of her is so difficult. then i tried to brush her and i saw that a bunch of hair was missing and the skin under was all red and moist and scabby and disgusting! The scabs are just spreading and getting worse.It looked so painful i just started crying i cant believe this. I dont want my dog to suffer i got her to give her a better life and now she is so miserable she would probably be happier with someone else. but i really cant give up. i dont know why this is happening its so scary im worried she going to be completley bald! i dont think it is mange because wouldnt the doctors have told me?I feel so bad for sweetie i jsut want her to be healthy again. and now babo is all itchy and has a scab on his back too. I dont know how to fix both of them this is just all too much! Im going to call the doctor tomorrow and tell them its jsut getting worse please help!!.

i wish i would just work and then come home do chores then go back to work but no i feel like i have to clean everything or it will nag at me all day. i would rather just sleep then not do the chores and go somewhere. so i could have worked today then bathe sweetie but of course i didnt. lazy shit. and there were so many high priced walks to day i couldnt believe it! there were tons and i wanted to take them but i wanted to finish this otherstuff! now i bet that there will be none tomorrow when im looking for some its jsut not fair! i also get worried for some reason that people will stop using wag! if nobody takes the walks! i want to help keep wag alive by taking these late walks. i hope people took them eventually.. i think i should just do some and come how and finsih stuff then do more but for somereason i have to finsih everything all at once. JUST GET OVER IT OMG. Ive been cleaning every single day now because im scared it will get out of control and make me su[per depressed again when the house is a diaster. even leaving one dish uncleaned starts the domino effect and then everything goes to hell. I am cleaning for myself not for leo.. I did the laundry, the dishes, cleaned the shower and the bathroom, walked the dogs again, fed them, got my meds, vacumed, cleaned the floor. im eating some food and then i made a lunch for tomorrow. when i buy some stuff i think i want to buy stuff i cant jsut grab quickly so i dont have to make a lunch all the time which i hate doing. if i get hungry then i can just eat that and then keep going. tomorrow i want to:dogs, eat, grab lunch, do walks, at 11 call doctor, come home at 1 maybe?, walk dogs, lunch, maybe have to go into vet?, do more walks.. i have 91.64 + 176.80 = 268.44. Possibly 160 + 268.44= 428.44 I need at least three hundred more for the rent and electric bill.. i technically have five - eight days left. if i can make $100 everyday for three days.. or $50 for 6 days... $70 for five days. i could get it covered. i jsut need to not be lazy and keep on going. THEN i REALLY need to start saving shit for taxes and gas mileage. i will literally be broke and have NO MONEY AT ALL. Its so hard not to spend money when im alwasy thinking about and seeing shit i wanna buy. i jsut need to fucking stop and i have to fucking save pleeease dont buy shit pleease only if its absoutley necassary and you would die without it. bitch. dear god. might jsut starve for a while. i feel dumb for buying the halloween costume and wasted all that money. i threw away the packaging i really hate returning things.. i dont know why im even gonna go to a party i cant drink and theres probably a cover fee. and i want to save money so icant even get like a coke or soemthing. when im sober i really feel comfortable enough to dance. i jsut hope we wil go trick or treatinjg with filepe and i can steal some of his candy or get some super cheap ones. thats good for me.

vaccines sweetie has gotten:

Rabies, bordetella, parvo, leptospirosis, influenza H3N8, distemper, influenza H3N2

Core vaccines: rabies, distemper, parvo, hepatitus?, kennel cough?,

so she dont need bordetella, leptospirosis, im not sure about the influenza, it says parainfluenza is noncore,

she needs vaccines for hepatits and kennel cough which i thought bordatella was?

so stop getting bordetlla, leptospirosis, the influenza ones, no lyme you fucking bitch

she does need adenovirus-2, and parainfluenza virus? ugh i dont know this is all so confuing and the doctors are just trying to make us spend so much money and then make you feel bad about not getting cause your dogs gona diee if you dont. and i legit have nofucking money to pay if they need me to pay for more meds for wsweetie which probably will becasue shes getting worse. then i really wont have any money for rent. i will probably have to ask mom to help pay and i really dont want to do that. i feel so bad im so helpless i jsut want to do things for myself...

why is everything so stressful i jsut want to stop..

1. take sweetie to petco to get bathed

2. call the doctor at 11. only get core vaccines. ask about babo too. get mom to help if needed

3. drink energy drinks so you can work

4. you dont have to have all the chores done just do them eventually

5. work everyday and save money. dont buy any shit.

im so tired. i want to be with my dog. mh body hurts. what is wrong with me

Leo is so unhappy and angry becasue he hates his job. hes always talking about what he wants to get in the FUTURE. Get a shiny new job with his work permit, then buy a shiny new car and get rid of the shitty one, he wants an eye surgery, he wants to travel he wants to buy a house, he wants a ps4 i cant keep up. its been pretty miserable around here lately becasue leo lost his job and hates this job. he works all day and then when he does get home hes mean and tiredand doesnt want to talk to me. and he hates his car becasue it doesnt heat and theres no radio. i told him to fix it but he doesnt.. we keep saying if we jsut go through this rough patch everything will be better soon! but i have a bad feeling nothing is going to change. its jsut going to shift to a new problem. maybe hell hate his new job and complains about it. maybe he dosnt have enough money yet for the car and the things he wants. then hell say when i get my car and my shoes and my eyes then i will be happy. no you want you will jsut move on to the next thing.Ive realized no matter where i go or work i will always be unhappy becasue the problem is inside me and the way i view the world. we need to appreciate what we have in the present or we will never be happy even if we are rich and have lots of stuff we will still be angry and empty inside. he doesnt get it.

i feel so awkward with leo sometimes i feel so unsure about things.

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missjackil · 6 years

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My Season 13 Opinion

I loved it! It’s in my top 5 seasons, along with 4,5 11 and 12. S12 is my favorite, having the least amount of episodes I skip on rewatch, the rest all share about 4 or 5 episodes not worth more of my time. The Season in Review I remember the teaser before the season started said “Season 13 is their Lucky Number” And Im thinking OK lets do this! Lets see some positives for The Winchesters!! Lets see if we got them :)

Character Arcs Sam- Sam has definite changes from season to season. This one was no different. We had Sam last season being heavy on the confident badassery, while pining for a relationship with his mother, to Sam jumping automatically into a fatherly/mentor role for Jack. Meanwhile he’s troubled. suffering great loss, worrying about Dean, the fate of their mother, and his own struggles with his time in Hell and Lucifer. I read a lot about you nay sayers, who think Jared has had enough, is ready to hang it up, but I have to say Jared nailed every facet of Sam’s life. His relationship with Jack, has been the single most precious storyline the show has come up with, IMO. The chemistry was there immediately, and Sam knew right away that Jack was worth saving. In the episode Patience, we see this relationship take root. Not long after, Dean warms up to Jack, and then Cas comes back and tries to slip into Father mode because he promised Kelly, and then Jack goes missing into the AU. and comes out with Lucifer bent on taking Jack from Sam ... but Sam kept it together. Through all this, Sam deals with Dean’s depression, fails at trying to cheer him up, nearly loses Dean for good, because nothing Sam can do for Dean, gives him what he needs... which is a win. In the 2nd half of the season, Sam falls into his own depression. He lost Jack, his mother, Lucifer is back around and causing trouble. We finally learn what keeps messing with Sam since Hell, and what causes his sleeplessness, fear and helplessness, and it’s Lucifers true face, which he discovers he shares with Rowena. (more on that in S14 I hope) we discover also, late in the season, that Sam would like to have revenge on Lucifer, but hes also seeing that revenge doesnt fix anything. Sam ends his season being brutally killed by vampires, resurrected by Lucifer who doesnt waste time with the taunts and threats, being regected again by his mother, who he should have told to go pound sand up her ass, but tookthe high road to come up with a solution. He could have spent the last 3 episodes fighting and arguing with Lucifer but he didnt. He swallowed it all and then forcefully left him behind in the AU. Here, is probably where Sam thought he got revenge. He looked happy and wonderfully content back atthe bunker. It was short lived because Luci was out in no time, with Michael in tow and now determined to take Jack. Sam didnt go on a rampage to destroy Lucifer, but he called Jack to come back, and then stepped into protector role. What this got him, was Lucifer kicking him around, ad threatening his life once more... but when Jack tried to take his own life for Sam’s and told Sam he loves him. We know Sam won, that was best revenge he could have gotten. So when Dean came around, with Michael wearing him, Lucifer could get whats coming to him... in typical winchester fashion, Sam tosses the blade up to Dean that Dean catches no problem, and finally kills the devil! Sam’s arc, as I saw it from beginning to end, was a lessen in patience. Dont rush, dont act on impulse too much, dont take everything personal. Stay focused and keep your head. As Axle Rose told us “Take it slow, it will work itself out fine, all we need is just a little patience” Dean: Our Dean started this season out in the deepest pit of dispair. This didnt start at the end of S12 but in the beginning when Mary walked out. This started Dean on a spiral downward, that gained momentum in spots. Once he killed Hitler, Dean didnt get anymore big kills, too much of the time he was the one being rescued. At the end of S12, he was nearly killed by Ketch, and Mom saved him. He got a win by curing mom of the brainwashing, but it was very short lived by her being lost in the AU. Dean suffered the biggest handful of loss he ever had. He lost mom, cas, crowley, and rowena, he fortunately still had Sam but he was preoccupied with Jack, who Dean saw as the main reason everyone was lost. Dean lost hope in everything, and though Im of the belief that he wasnt trying to kill himself forever in Advanced Thanatology, as he had full intentions of coming back when Billie said “it depends on you” he wasnt in the mindset to argue with her if she wasnt going to let him go. But Billie told him to live, because he and Sam are important. (my theory on that later) so Dean comes back, and soon after, Cas comes back. Dean is immediately upbeat because now he knows there is hope. It wasnt because he loves Cas more than Sam as some may assume, but Sam couldnt give Dean the win he needed to regain his hope. Deans good mood went south once he learned Mom was still alive and being tortured in the AU. He was now a man on a mission and he was going to save her no matter what. But then they lost Jack too, and Sam went into his own depression and Dean was there for hm too. He wanted Sam to come out of the dark place he was in, but he knew that darkness was justified. But they both pressed on and kept at it... risking life and limb on the daily, Dean felt extra need to protect Sam so he side lined him in hopes to keep him safe. Sam wasnt gonna have that, they’re gonna live, work, suffer and die together, and thats all there is to it. However when the vampire killed Sam before Deans eyes, and there was nothing he could do to save him, I have never seen Dean in a deeper pit. He was literally a walking corpse. I can only imagine Dean having less hope at that time, because they were in the AU, where the laws of their world dont apply. Maybe Winchesters dont have a reset button in a world they were never born in. Im fully convinced Dean was going back to the cave to lay down and die next to Sam, when Sam came walking in. Dean was so grateful to see his brother walking, that he didnt care Lucifer came too....” no need to be sorry Sammy... now hug me you little shit!” (paraphrased ;)) Things look up now, Sam comes up with a good plan for the survivors in the Au, and most are now safe and sound in the bunker. Jack is a good little hunter, Dean gets hope that maybe someday the world will be safe enough that they can retire. But thats short lived as well when Lucifer comes back and brings good ole Michael and all Hell breaks loose. When Sam gets blasted away with Jack and Lucifer, Dean’s self destructive co dependence comes out and theres just no other choice but to let Michael use his vessel to take out Lucifer. The fight ensues, Lucifer is too strong, and is about to kill Dean, but Sam comes through by tossing the blade to him perfectly.... and he kills the SOB. Dean’s arc this season was a lessen in Faith. Faith in God, faith in Sam, faith in love and faith in whats right. It can get better Dean.... every day can get better. Now we can go on to more fun things -

Best episodes IMO Im going to give that to Scooby for being the most fun and most original. But there were so many really good episodes, Patience, (Sams side of that) Advanced Thanatology, Breakdown, The Scorpion and the Frog, Varuius and Sundary Villians, A Most Holy Man,Funerella, Beat The Devil, Exodus and Let the Good times Roll. Worst Episodes : By far was Wayward Sisters. The only one I couldnt bring myself to watch a 2nd time. Other’s werent bad, but boring, such as Tombstone, A Devils Bargain, and Good Intentions. Best Sam Lines - “I know what its like to feel likeyou dont fit, to be afraid of who you are, and what you can do... but my family helped me through that, and now Im gonna help you, You’re not evil Jack” “We are going to go to this place together.... and if anything happens, we’ll deal with it it together.... and if we die? We’ll dothat together too” Best Dean lines : “Its a lizard Sam, it tastes like Lizard” “They took my brother, now Im gonna get him back” “Im never gonna appologize for protecting you. Do you remember the last time we had front row seats to the Lucifer Michael fight? Because I do. You died Sam, and went to Hell! Now I dont care much about what happens to me, never did... but I do care about what happens to my brother” Saddest moments: When Sam couldnt bring himself to tell Dean about why he’s hopeless. Dean’s dead mans walk to the camp and his tears when Mary asked where Sam was. Jack crying and punching himself wondering why he hurts people. Happiest Moments: The brohug and the tension melting from Sam’s face Sam and Dean getting a toast in their honor. Jack telling Sam he loves him Sams face when he realizes Lucifer is dead Worst moments: Dean popping a cork when he found outbthere was no more grace. Sam’s death... all of it Worst Storylines: Wayward Sisters, Asmodeus, Sister Jo (not Danneel hate, it just wasnt a good story) Best Storyline: Sam and Jack Interesting things we learned. Sam hates strip clubs, Dean buys Sam a lap dance, Sam has extensive hair care products, and Dean likes tentical porn Stuff I want to see more of next season: Michael!Dean but not for too long... we need real Dean. Why does Sam have to kill Rowena? What did seeing Lucifer’s face entail? The Man Cave Daddy Sam!!!!!!! Lowkey predictions fro S14 We get a frantic Sam looking for Dean, not unlike S10 but he has help this time . The Angels die and all souls come to earth as ghosts and wreak havok. This along with Lucifer being dead, open the door for the boys to work towards retirement. Get heaven reopened, and the souls back in, maybe by draining the empty of angels, wth Luci dead, no need for Hell, close it up, everyone goes to Heaven. Start eliminating all the bad monsters from the world, sending good ones to Heaven and sending the bad ones to Purgatory where they came from. This wouldnt need to be a quick thing, it could take years to do it, or clean it up in one season, but it provides an end goal. The boys find out theyre important because theyre the only ones who can accomplish this. In the end, Season 13 was their lucky one. Lucifer is dead. Now they can work towards a future. :)

#Season 13 spoilers #my opinion #season in review

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