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blackopals-world · 1 year

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Eye of the Beholder

Wexia!FemYuu x Vil Schoenheit

Guest oc: Kokomo Onizaki @zomchan69

Sorry, Vil just isn't that impressive to her. His beauty isn't to Yuu's standards.

"Vil-sama looks exceptional as always." Elizabeth gushed. She never had anything but praise for the Pomefiore Headwarden, Yuu wondered if the Heartslabyul girl wanted to change dorms. Kokoro was unfortunately absent at the moment taking a restroom break. Yuu liked having the Oni as a social buffer but she needed to remember what she always said.

'Yuu-chan, be nice. I swear you are worst then Idia. Talk to people.'

Yuu huffed to herself. Koko was right.

"Is it really relevent?" Yuu asked Elizabeth biding time.

"Oh course it is. You must see it too." She said firmly.

Vil could overhear the girls from his seat but pretended not to notice. He was always ready to soak in a bit of praise but he wanted to hear Yuu's response.

Yuu was known as a mysterious beauty on campus. She hailed from a foreign land with strange magic. Her hair was a long curtain of thick black hair that reached down to the back of her thighs. Her eyes were a vibrant shade of gold. Vil thought it was a shame that she didn't end up in Pomefiore instead of Scarabia.

When Yuu transferred from her old school Vil was part of her welcome party for the cultural exchange program, she wasn't excited to leave her dorm Shundian. She formed a companionship with Onizaki. The pink Oni made Yuu's transition easier.

"He is okay." She said bluntly. She said it without pause and with little consideration.

Vil could feel his ears burning. Did she really just call him "okay"?! Him?! She had to be lying, covering up her feeling for him. Someone as beautiful as her surely has good taste.

But Vil had to be sure.

After class he cornered her under the guise of learning about fashion in her her homeland.

"Silk, lots of silk." She said simply.

"Yuu dear, that's not a lot to go one. Tell me at least what you would call attractive." Vil could already hear her saying it. 'Vil you already are the most attractive person I've ever seen.' Even if he knew that already he just wanted her to say it.

"There is no need." She said deadpanned.

"Oh? Why is that?" Vil smiled like a cat about to catch the canary.

"Mn," She hummed as she nodded "There would be no use. The style I like wouldn't suit you. You'd look strange."

Vil felt his heart drop into his stomach. Strange?! Strange she says!

"At least tell me what would be so strange," Vil said bitting back his astonishment.

"Well, I don't want to be rude. Your hair is too short, usually we wear our hair as long as possible. We spend our entire lives growing it to show how healthy and wealthy we are. Common folk have short hair but their hair is longer than yours." Yuu said examining Vil's hair. It was at least healthy and taken care of but she didn't see the appeal in such short length.

"Is that all?" Vil didn't know there was such importance for her in something like hair length but understood why. Beauty is calculated to the finest degree so of course.

"Well no, in my country, your hair color and texture would also be different. It's slightly curly, which reminds me if a calf. I could be considered cute and the less traditional would like it." Yuu examined the tips of purple-colored hair.

"So just my hair is the problem. That's nothing. Hair can grow and be changed."

"No, it's more than that."

"Then enlighten me. What is your ideal man?" He asked looking her in the eye.

"I don't have one. I suppose when I thought of a beautiful man I imagined my emperor. He has long black hair that brushes the ground, sly golden eyes like a fox, regal silk robes laced with gold, a pretty face that's soft like his smile, and vibrant light makeup." Yuu never talked much but she clearly longed for this man.

"I see, you are already in love. That has defined your sense of beauty." Vil finally realized.

"Love? I don't love him. That would be like loving the sunset. His beauty is only fact. Implying that it is the same as love is foolish. Honestly, I was humoring you for your sake but all you people seem to do is ask pointless questions." If she was passionate she probably would have stored away but she simply bowed before taking her leave. She needed to help Jamil prepare for a feast.

Vil sighed heavily. He didn't stand a chance against a woman who is already taken.

But he could certainly prove her wrong.

Vil Schoenheit is not just "Okay"

Just as he thought this a large shadow hovered over him. He had forgotten. Kokoro.

"Vil-sama. Do you mind telling me why you thought it was a good idea to corner Yuu like that?" The giant Oni crossed her arms and stared down at Vil choosing to forgo her usual stance.

"I meant no harm. I just wanted to know more about Eastern fashion." Vil brushed off the daggers being glared at him.

Kokoro sharpened her glare and narrowed her eyes before smiling smugly.

"You like her. Don't you Vil-sama?" She couldn't hold back the uproarious laughter that came out.

Vil could feel his face turning red as tried to get her to shut up.

When Kokoro finally finished she spoke again.

"If you really are that curious I'll give you a tip. Yuu as much as I love her is very traditional. It's got to be by the book. She likes Wuxian clothes and those who respect them. But if you ask me Vil, don't just change to make her happy. Be yourself." With that Kokoro left in the direction Yuu went.

He returned to his dorm to research the traditional styles she adored so much to find something she couldn't deny looked good on him.

Vil learned that she was right about his hair. The robes he wore suited him but these looked better with longer hair. So she was right about one thing. But apparently shorter hair was not uncommon and there were styles that suited it.

Moreover, he learned about Yuu's culture and why she was so strict with her behavior and talk. Her land was very closed off to anything that wasn't the norm and Vil was certainly not the norm. Her beauty standards were marked in stone, written for her.

She was right, her emperor's beauty is a fact. But she would benefit from an example of the value of foreign beauty.

He plotted out an outfit that he would use to gain her attention. One to emulate what would be traditionally her taste but also suit what he liked.

All he needed now was an event to wear it. Coincidentally there was a flower viewing party being thrown by the cultural club.

Yuu could feel eyes on her.

"Koko are you sure about this hanfu?" Yuu asked as she sat under the cherry tree."It's a bit dark. The guide said it's best to wear light colors."

Yuu liked the violet color but it might be inappropriate for a girl.

"It's fine. Just one of those old-fashioned rules. It's not even a real rule. We can wear whatever we like. You're more strict then Riddle." Kokoro shrugged.

"I'm not strict, I'm just dissa-dissapined." Yuu fumbled at the last word.

"Disciplined, you almost had it." Kokoro smiled with amusement. It's easy to forget that this was her second language, but her mess-ups were so rare these days.

"Disciplined! Gha!" Yuu pouted in frustration. The uncharacteristic outburst was unlike her, at least for people who don't know her.

Yuu glances across the garden and sees Jamil looking at her with a worried expression. He made a hand motion to calm down and take a breath.

Yuu follows his instruction before talking to Kokoro again.

"If you want to talk about strict talk to Riddle. He's not exactly enthusiastic about your dress right now." Yuu said pointing at the red-faced warden.

"Tsk, guess I have to talk him down. Thought sending Ace and Deuce would distract him would help." The Oni sighed before going to pacify her dorm leader. "Don't miss me too much."

Yuu huffed in annoyance while watching the 8-foot woman somehow waltz away. Everyone seemed to be having fun and thankfully not trying to approach. People usually stayed away when Kokoro was around. When she was gone though...Yuu was never left alone. Constant gawking and question asking.

The Vil guy was no different. He had no decency. Someone that thinks of her as exotic and asks asinine questions. Why ask her when he can look it up for himself?

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. There he was. Vil Schoenheit, wearing his rendition of a hanfu. Deep purple and black silk robes.

She found the outfit acceptable.

"Well?" He asked sauntering up to her and asking as though he already knew her response.

So presumptuous as always.

Yuu couldn't help but burst into a fit of giggles. A few people noticed as she reflexively grabbed for her lilac fan. She quickly covered her face. She couldn't let herself be seen like this.

Vil felt the bitter sting of humiliation a Yuu blatantly laughed in his face but he also felt a warm bubble sensation in his chest. He had never heard her laugh. She was a straight faced and serious girl who couldn't even crack a smile. But she was laughing. It was a pretty laugh. One he'd want to record and play over and over. One he wanted to use as an example of the perfect laugh for auditions. Her smile was just the match.

"What's so funny?" He couldn't help but smile back as he pulled the face from her face.

Yuu cackled helplessly as she covered her mouth with her hand as she shied away. People were looking, how embarrassing.

"Sorry! Sorry! It's just *snort* you-you!" She tried to speak "You do look strange. Like I said."

Vil's face fell.

He remembered that this was currently at his expense no matter how cute she sounded.

"You hate it, don't you." His disappointment seemed to snap Yuu out of her fit.

"NO! I mean no. It's just that you do look different. I don't dislike it. The color suits you. It is just not something I've ever imagined you in. So seeing it is different for me. But the way you so boldly walked right up to me was shocking. People don't usually approach like that." Yuu assured him.

"No, what you imagined? Tell me, what do you imagine me in?" Vil asked teasingly.

"Not much." She slipped before turning red "I MEAN, I DONT IMAGINE YOU MUCH AT ALL. ANYTING, NOTH. NO! NOT!"

Yuu yelled spasticity as she fumbled her English.

Vil had found a new joy. While he normally doesn't tease or mock he found flustering eastern girl entertaining.

"So you think I look good? Better than okay?" Vil asked smugly.

"I guess some people would call your current appearance dashing. Maybe even princely." Yuu huffed reluctantly. " In my opinion you still need a bit of work. A few touch ups."

Vil could hardly take the blushing girl's word for it anymore. She wasn't being completely honest as she clearly did like what she saw.

"Is that so? Then you must give me your advice then." Vil held out his arm for her to hold. "Regardless, I think we mack quite the pair right now as is."

Yuu smiled behind her fan as she linked onto Vil's offered arm.

"I expect you to behave as my escort. Try to be as dashing as you appear." Yuu had an image too.

"Naturally."

I had to rewrite this twifinished. tumblr deleted all my progress. It's a bit muddled but it's finished.

Special thanks to @zomchan69

Oc: Kokoro Onizaki

#twisted wonderland #Kokoro Onizaki #twisted wonderland yuu #twisted wonderland x reader #twst yuu #twst mc #vil schoenheit #vil shoenheit x reader #vil twisted wonderland #twst vil #twisted wonderland vil

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transzilla · 2 months

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god, I think you described me.. just skimming the tags when I saw the bit about forcemasc on a transitioned man.. I feel like such a teenager when what I want to be is a man. I don't know how to take it and demand my respect. I feel like I've lost so much not growing up this way. Can I still grow and be changed? Be forcemasc'd like I want to be even though I'm "already there"?

Bro, yes, literally yes... I wish I could just like haunt and possess some of ya'll sometimes and forcemasc you from the fucking spirit realm like a forcemasc demon LMAO

So a lot of the time your feelings of inferiority are coming from yourself. We suffer the most in our imagination. But if they aren't and it actually is somebody not respecting you, don't shy away! Examine it. If I was there I'd absolutely grind your face in it. When you do feel embarrassed somewhere and people aren't taking you seriously as a man I need you to go full humiliation kink and examine everything you possibly can. The most educating moments of our lives are frankly fucking horrible and you won't grow as a man if you aren't paying attention. The beauty here is observation, like is it something I'm doing? Are there any other men who are also being demeaned? I want you to know exactly where the pain is.

We need times in our lives when we are basically teenagers, stunted, clumsy, awkward shitty theatre kid versions of the men in our lives, all our feelings of shame and dysphoria are for a reason. We cannot truly eliminate weakness in ourselves if we can't find it, and the best way is exposing it. And that's a really humiliating process because a lot of us started way late at the most subtle exhibitions of masculinity. These cis guys have been doing it their whole lives.

But like, give yourself some credit, you're not the moron here. We aren't kids. We are adults and we can learn faster and adapt faster than kids can. Question your own perception! Are you really that far behind? I think honestly for the time you've been a man and the obstacles you've gone through to get to where you are you've been doing pretty damn well. You've dealt with things that majority of cis men would not be strong enough to deal with.

Do not be uncomfortable with your material reality because if you can't face it and look at yourself and all of your flaws you can't improve. You need to go out and do things and experience humiliation in order to expose all your weaknesses, and then work to eliminate them. Don't just shoot yourself down all the time, oh I can't do that, I'm too weak, I'll never get there, it's too scary, etc. like, come on, this is your life, this is serious. be a fucking man LMAO.. when you can force respect from yourself then you will be able to make other men respect you. That's the first step.

It just takes the nastiest ordeal to get there. Sometimes the ordeal is coming from us! We terrify ourselves. We torture ourselves worse than any other man could ever dream of. Start smaller and smaller, understand that your feelings of terror are jealously guarding your potential to be a man like a hen guarding its eggs and you need to just bare your teeth and rip that piece of shit limb from limb and take what you are entitled to.

Like let me stay grounded here. When I first started what I do for work, tree removal, it was incredibly embarrassing and nobody respected me. And they were right. Like I could barely use a chainsaw, I couldn't pull the cord fast enough to turn it on, couldn't lift the fucking thing. I didn't know shit about anything, and I couldn't figure out shit about anything, like I was lacking entire thought processes that other dudes could do starting in kindergarten, it went all the way down to going to lumber yards and boys getting excited over big machines and tractors, they were familiar with everything and had decades of experience on me while I was still learning how to be a man. There were some jobs I didn't stick around very long at, hahaha.

But then I learned, like I wanna say it took me about two years to get up to speed, And I took the piss and I accepted consequence. As soon as I stopped demanding immediate, fairy tale perfection from myself and my life and stopped with "should'ves" my life became much more work oriented and essy to deal with. Getting fired was fine. Getting bitched out and humiliated was fine. Going with incredible isolation and lacking very basic things was fine Because like shit I tried and and as long as some other guy is doing it to me I sure as hell don't need to do it to myself. I just had to work that much harder. Endure it!!!

some guys now are still better than me because they've been doing it longer but I'm functional now u know. And like these guys also don't know shit about anything, like wow they can lift a big saw and use a tractor but they're so focused on being masculine they don't fucking explain things. Because of their feelings and their oh you ought-tos and just absolutely writhing in weakness and inefficiency for NO REASON. Like I actually have a vagina, man, the fuck is your excuse? I've had quite a few bosses who will tell you to do something, give no details, get mad when you ask for details, and get mad when you do the job wrong. Then I feel like I am truly one of the guys when we're just discussing what the fuck our boss meant. Is he really a big fucking man when he can't do his job? When all the men he works with think he's a punk?

Where I'm at in my transition right now I still don't always get men to listen to me, like my coworkers in conversation, which at first I percieve as disrespect but then i need to consider the men I'm with don't really listen to anyone. If my current boss, a man in his 40s who has witnessed so many deaths in his field and is physically stronger and smarter than all of them can't get them to listen, is it really a blow to the respect I command? And these guys also all feel insecure about being a man, except they haven't figured out basic shit that I have so they think raising their voices means people will listen. A lot of these guys get their asses handed to them by girls, they can't handle heartbreaks. They bring up being jealous about me doing things that I considered feminine, they wonder how I can haggle well, make funny jokes, talk to girls, keep everything clean, cook well, play poker well - these are all feminine skills, haha, the empathy and sensitivity required in the money world especially.

Focus on your humanity first, and use being a man and your desire to be a man, to magnify and shape your desires as a human being. Like you wanna be a man. What does that mean? You wanna be respected, command other men? You want to take control? You want to be dominant? You want to be skilled? What will it take to get to that point? And have a little fun, enjoy the process it takes to get there, in its kinky, humiliating, rancid chained-to-the-radiator glory.

#forcemasc #autoandrophilia

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persephones-poet-blog · 7 months

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OFMD Season Timeline

(Obvi season 2 spoilers)

TL; DR: there’s like a month in between episode 5 and 6.

This ended up being a little longer than I planned but there’s pics you can stare at longingly, so that helps, right?

I’ve seen a lot of people assuming that each episode of the show is like the next day and so Stede and Ed having sex would have happened like a day after they agreed to go slow.

But I think it had to have been at least a a couple of weeks and here’s why:

Remember how Ed had to wear the bag (and collar) of shame until people felt comfortable around him?

In episode 6 Ed is back in his regular clothes and everyone seems much more comfortable around him. When Jim and Frenchie approach him and Stede about the party, they even greet them as “captains” (plural), which I sincerely doubt they would have done if they still hated him.

Additionally when Ed and Stede walk into the party, everyone greets them both with drinks and happiness. The animosity, jumpiness, and fear seem to have been resolved or put aside.

This wouldn’t have happened in a short period after everything the crew went through. I know Olu, Jim and Archie were more chill about his return later in episode 5, but it wasn’t the friendliness and camaraderie we see here.

I take episode 6 to have happened at least 1-2 weeks, if not longer after 5. Personally I don’t think I’d get over someone trying to kill me that quickly, but hey, I’m not a pirate.

Additionally, let’s talk about our favorite unicorn for a second:

This is Izzy’s scar in episodes 5 and then 7 (taking place the day after 6)

Waaaaaaay too healed for just a day or even 2. I’ve had numerous surgeries. My scars from surgery 3 weeks ago haven’t even shown that level of improvement. I get Unicorns are magical, but he isn’t Buttons.

Additionally, the way Izzy is so relaxed around Ed… no way has it only been a day. He just got his leg amputated, what like a week before 5? He shouldn’t even be walking on his unicorn leg at that point (but we will ignore that because he and the leg are beautiful). The scene with Izzy and Ed is calm and bitchy in the way you are with siblings and old friends when you get over a small fight. I feel like it might take a little longer to forgive or even be in the presence of the person who tortured you and your crew and took your leg (among other things).

He also tells Stede that he sees how good he and Ed are for each other. That it took a long time to realize it but he does. When did he realize this? In the middle of a storm they thought would kill them? While he was passed out during an amputation? During his bender in episode 4?

That’s all me projecting, I know. Let’s be honest that’s what meta posts like these are a lot of the time (but god I love them).

The only episodes that seem to be exactly a day apart are 3, 4, and 5. And obviously 6 and 7.

So TL; DR: there’s like a month in between episode 5 and 6.

Any additional timeline things you have for season 1 or 2 are great!

Edit: someone pointed out Pete and Lucius’ 24 hour sex spree after getting engaged and this shoots my theory, but maybe they’ve done multiple sprees?

Idk the relationships between all of them are so much more comfortable now and too quickly if it really has been only a day. It kind of feels like we’re missing an episode in between 5 & 6 that would have transitioned everything more smoothly. I still blame this entirely on HBO cutting 2 episodes and not on the writers who were trying to work with what they had.

#our flag means death #ofmd #ofmd s2 #ofmd s2 spoilers #ofmd spoilers #our flag means death spoilers #renew our flag means death #renew as a crew #our flag means death season 2 #ofmd writers are incredible #David Jenkins I love your lack of historical accuracy and time blindness

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karrenseely · 2 months

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Emotional Regulation

So I have CPTSD. Everything I've read mostly points to this being a lifelong condition (yay :P) that is incredibly difficult for all of us whom suffer from it. I know it has been for me. I honestly don't know if I'd have developed it if my parents had been loving, supportive, and understanding like they should have. Because, even if they had been, I would still have likely had many many years of gas lighting from society, them, and my extended family to be a gender other than what I was. And that takes its toll on anyone's psyche.

But who knows, maybe if they'd been really supportive, then I wouldn't have had years of thinking I was crazy or shameful, maybe I would have transitioned really young as soon as I could tell them they were wrong. Then all I'd have to deal with is some body dysphoria. But then even that can take its toll as well. So I really couldn't say if I was destined to have this incredibly difficult mental health condition or not.

Either way, I really wish I'd had the loving supportive family every child deserves. I really wish I didn't find my psyche shattering as I grew up, getting stuck repeatedly at every traumatic event that I can remember, and actively forgetting everything I couldn't along with most of my other memories. Such that now, my memories consist of shattered disorganized shards scattered over the floor, most of those shards long since missing. It's really difficult to live when all you really have is now.

People talk about their childhoods like there's this linear well established timeline in their memories. It was a long time before I realized this was the typical way people remember their past. That for most people, they can remember approximately when such a memory occurred, in sequence with another. Even now, this is so foreign to me. I remember things in disjointed pieces, any one memory is not connected to any other. And few, if any, are connected to a specific time that I can locate.

Then there is the ability to remember what you did yesterday, or last week, or even last month in day to day life. That it's hard to know what's happened and what's been done recently. This was particularly bad when I was dissociating all the time, fortunately, therapy has helped with that part, and I don't do it as much and I can remember more of my day to day life. But even now, there are still significant holes in my memories of adult life. And admittedly as I struggle through my current flare of CPTSD symptoms, I sometimes wish I could dissociate like I used to so that I don't have to feel all of this horrible stuff. It hurts like hell.

If someone created the universe, they must be one of the most sadistic assholes to have ever existed, making it so healing is so effing painful, much less making thinking feeling beings feed off of one another.

In this journey of trying to heal, I've encountered many people talking about how, when we were abused as children we didn't develop our emotional regulation skills like normal loved, unabused kids do. I always found these comments or suppositions confusing. In large part due to the fact that I don't really understand what emotional regulation means. As a child, trying to survive, the only thing that worked, that made things even remotely bearable was dampening down on emotions until I didn't feel hardly anything at all. I wasn't particularly good at this, I still had feelings but they were distorted hazy half hearted things that would escape out, usually as anger, irritability, sadness, often fear, sometimes even joy would get out. But none were fully formed, or fully embraced, because if I did, then the pain would be in full force, the shame, the horror I constantly felt at what I was going through. So I did my best to damp down my emotions to almost nothing, and dissociate as much as I could so that I didn't have to feel or atleast remember feeling all those horrible things I felt. And the plus side to dissociation is that you truly only live in the moment. You can forget so much that way. You can ride the bus to school, but not remember any of it, just one moment you're at home and the next, poof, you're at school, and the next, poof, it's time to go home again and get on the bus, and poof the next you're at home again... you get the idea.

Emotions when all of the above were unsuccessful and I felt them anyway, usually it was the really really bad ones. And they were felt at 120% full blast. It was either 10 mph, or 120 mph. No inbetween. But people who talk about the ability to regulate emotions describe it as having inbetweens. Not having to feel the full blast, but not suppressing it completely either.

For the longest time when I encountered that phrase around emotional regulation, my mind just skittered past it, as it didn't make any sense to me. But I found myself thinking about it a couple months ago. And some kind fellow people with CPTSD pointed me to links that helped to explain the concept... except, those links were mostly just confusing. And unfortunately, my brain interpreted them as, "you are deficient, you're inability to regulate is your fault." Which didn't help. I honestly don't know if those explanations actually implied that, but it's what it felt like. Maybe because I didn't understand what they were saying.

Then... recently I returned to work, full time. And an interesting, if sucky, thing happened. I was fine at work, I could joke, I could laugh and have fun with coworkers and feel empathy for my patients and basically function somewhat like a typical human being in what I imagine is a healthy fashion. But as soon as I left work and went home, I had no energy left to keep the intrusive memories and emotions in check. And I would immediately start to crash. Spiraling down the rabbit hole of all those horrible memories. Nothing had specifically triggered them, it's just I ran out of spoons and they took over. I'd used up all my spoons at work.

Obviously, I'd overestimated my ability to return to full time work, but also it felt like there was an insight here. And it came down to my emotional bandwidth. If I had enough emotional energy, enough spoons, then minor triggers that normally would have lead me back down that lovely negative spiral, wouldn't actually set me off, and I could continue to function. And this was the neat part, I could continue to function without having all my walls slam down and turn everything numb. But, if I run out of that energy, if I run out of those spoons, then any little thing can set me down that self destructive spiral.

And the more I've thought about this, the more I think this is what people mean when they talk about emotional regulation. That most people have a large fount of this emotional energy to buffer against the extremes. And thus can handle day to day joys, stresses and hurtful things without completely falling apart. If this is the case then I guess I've developed some emotional regulation after all, though it's limited.

But why is it so limited? Why didn't I have any before? And the more I look at it. I see it in terms of bandwidth, energy, and/or spoons. Before, when I was having to live in survival mode, all of my emotional energy was being used to just survive. I was constantly in fight or flight. There was no energy to spare for nuance. My bandwidth was incredibly limited because so much of it was taken up with just surviving from one day to the next, with constant vigilance. But when we are no longer in those situations, and just as importantly, when we are not constantly flashing back to those situations, we start to have that bandwidth become available for the nuance. We can start feeling things in between because we have the energy to do so. It's no longer entirely about survive or die.

And that's the worst part about flashbacks. Even though I'm no longer in that constant life or death situation, those flashbacks have me believing I am. And contrary to popular media's depiction of flashbacks, most of the time it's not getting stuck in a living visual memory of an event. No, the vast majority of those flashbacks are emotional flashbacks. Getting stuck in the feelings of the event, the feelings I couldn't suppress anymore, the constant feeling of being in danger, of having my life, my very existence threatened, which brings on the constant sense of danger, of fight or flight. Which means, no emotional energy for anything else, except the extremes. Everything in my life currently can be perfectly fine, safe, wonderful even. But if I'm stuck in an emotional flashback, none of the current circumstances matter, because I'm emotionally back in survival mode, feeling constantly threatened, trying to survive, trying to decide if I need to fight or run. And if I'm stuck there... then there isn't any emotional energy left for anything else.

The really effing sucky part, is that often I don't know I'm in an emotional flashback until after it's gone away, and I can see looking back that how I was feeling didn't fit at all with what was actually happening at the time. I reacted to an outside observer in a rather extreme, or worse in a completely irrational manner. But then when I'm in the middle of it, I guess it's understandable that I have a hard time recognizing it, as all my energy is directed towards surviving, towards keeping the pain and my fears at bay.

So maybe emotional regulation is just having enough emotional energy to filter the experiences you're having into a much more nuanced pattern, rather than having to sort things into binary extremes of bad, not bad. And if that's the case, then maybe, just maybe, I am healing, because I'm starting to free up some of my bandwidth to start sorting out the nuances... even if I can't quite identify what those nuances are yet.

#trans #transgender #lgbt+#lgbtqia #lgbt #trans kids #childhood trauma #complex ptsd #trauma #family #Emotional regulation #mental health #coping #emotional flashbacks #flashbacks #emotional energy #emotional bandwidth #lgbtqia+#queer

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hueofvesta · 2 years

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tags - [nsfw] female-bodied reader (feminine tones), food play / kink? (whipped cream on boobs), making out, minor dry humping, + pervy?itto being goofy

notes - a “spur-of-the-moment” writing with lowercase capitalization intended, pov tones shifting randomly, & not proofread. i don’t have consistent writing, one part could be simple and the next would be a poor shakespeare-wannabe segment <: there's a part two to this.

– itto x fem!reader

“this day couldn’t get any hotter.” itto complained. you gave a tired nod in return as you sat back onto the canopy beach chair, your third ice cream of the day in-hand. the sun was beating down on the beach like there was no tomorrow, you and your boyfriend felt like sausages on a skillet.

“i told you we should’ve went to a ski resort instead,”

“and i remember tellin’ you that i don’t know how to ski babe.”

“you could’ve learned while we were there.” you grumbled, shooting itto a look. he only shrugged in return, debating to himself if he should continue swimming in the waters or stay put on his chair… staring at the way you consumed the dessert you bought.

he has been discreetly fixated on you for a while, ever since you bought your first ice cream today actually. itto would be lying if he said that he wasn’t turned on by you innocently swirling your tongue around the delectable treat. his girlfriend, you, was just there enjoying something to push off the day’s heat.

and here is itto, thinking about how good you’d feel around his cock. oh how much of a perv he was,

that skillful mouth muscle that has danced on his tip so many times, more than he can count; he would give anything just to have you suck the soul out of him. the way you’d look up at him with those pretty doey eyes, the way your warm mouth slowly went back and forth on him, the way your velvety lips took him in so easily and worked their magic in bringing him to absolute euphoria.

“babe...hey…” “earth to arataki itto..” “ITTO!”

“sWHAT- HUH–!” itto jumped up from his chair, alarmed yet in a daze as his head frantically swerves from left to right. you hold on to his shoulders which places his attention on you.

“baby, you’ve been drooling for a while and you seemed so out of it, are you okay?” you ask, worry laced on your face and itto taking that queue to wipe off the spit that has gathered on the corner of his lips. itto’s hazy expression transitioned into his usual (but somewhat awkward) flamboyant smile, placing a hand around your waist, the other scratching his head as he lets out a sheepish laugh.

“i-i’m fine darlin’, it’s just the heat gettin’ to me ya’ know…” itto was praying to the archons above for you not to feel the dent that was beginning to stain his trunks (and spoilers: you did).

his eyes kept darting back and forth on your lips that had some specks of the vanilla ice cream you consumed and to your boobs smooshed against his abdomen. “let’s return to our room then, it’s starting to annoy me too,” you agreed with itto, pulling out from his embrace.

the both of you scrambled to gather your things, hurrying through the hotel entrance and finally crashing within the confines of your room. itto settled himself on the couch, arms laid on the back pillows, and a damp towel placed over his face that would hopefully calm him down for the time being.

you told him you would be going to the bathroom to freshen up but little did he know…

itto then felt something settling on his lap, that something being you with your legs stradling his hips. you could feel him and he could feel you, and he was HARD.

“b-babe what are you–?!”

“you really think i wouldn’t notice? for shame itto, for shame,” you teased him, taking hold of his arms and circling them around your waist. you felt him freeze for a moment as you took off the cloth from his face, unveiling a severely flushed arataki itto who was probably one kiss away from losing it.

you giggled, cupping his cheeks tenderly as you gave him a peck on the lips. itto lets out a groan, freeing himself from your hands and lowering his head towards your chest and laying down on it. “the things you do to me, you are evil baby.”

“i love you.” you cooed, gazing down on him with a smile. he looks up at you, pushing himself upwards towards your face. “i love you too.”

those were his last words before the both of you locked lips in what seemed to be an endearing kiss-turned-makeout session within the first few seconds. the pace was quick and the tension was high, he was gliding against your body in fervor, never being the one to initiate a breather. his tongue slid over your upper lip in which you took as a que to open your mouth for him to enter. itto pulled against your tongue, your salivas churning in together as you shivered at the feeling of drool sliding down your chin.

as this went on, your body subtly began bouncing on him with your clothed entrance being painted with slick from the gathered pre-cum on his trunks, causing you to shudder and grip onto him tight. itto was rocking into you in return as you rode him, his hands settling on your ass, occasionally groping ang giving one of the cheeks a slap or two. he was just holding back the urge to rip off your panties then and there and take you on the spot.

the continued kissing was fierce and long, one that caused your lips to be swollen yet left wanting for more. you pulled away, breathless and overwhelmed in the moment. just as itto was about to initiate another kiss, you place a hand on his shoulder and tightened your grip.

he backed away, turning your face towards him, all red and panting endlessly.

“ ’m sorry baby, are you okay? let’s stop?” he asked, somewhat in the same state as you but he was far from satisfied. he was willing to end this right now if you felt uncomfortable but you shook your head, closing your eyes as you took hold of his hand and guided it to your left breast. he gave it a squeeze and you let out a whimper.

“oh– ‘m sorry, your lips were just so delicious,” he chuckled hoarsely “forgot to give attention to the rest of’ ya.” he was now palming your breast, internally marvelling at the way the pliant flesh molded against his hand.

itto’s mouth latched onto your jaw, peppering it with chaste kisses while making his way towards your neck. it had remnants of previous lovebites from your last lovemaking session and your boyfriend was excited to leave new ones. he was going to make sure everybody in the world knows who you belong to.

–

you were a mewling mess above him, fingers pulling and curling against his hair. each hickey done made you tug on your boyfriend harder and itto was heavily enjoying the fact that HE was the one making you like this. of course, he wasn’t unreciprocated as you continued to bounce and grind against him, itto bucking up against you in between kisses which causes you to suddenly let out gasps of pleasure. he’d groan how good you feel against him and mumble against your skin, the vibrations doubling the goodness you felt from his ministrations.

“ ‘to so good, s-so good.. so close..” you squeaked out. it wasn’t even the main course yet you were already close to your release.

“not yet,” itto muttered, having untied your bikini top from its place and letting the article of clothing fall to the floor as your perky nipples stood hard under his gaze. from there, he continued massaging your left breast with one hand, the other holding onto your waist firmly to stop you from grinding against his hard-on.

“ ‘tooooo, please,” you whined, tugging hardly on his hair while attempting to return to your bouncing. you were close, so, so close, but itto didn’t want to let you come now. no, not yet.

he gave your nipple a single lick, looking up at you for a second before beginning to suck on it. his tongue swirled around your bud so expertly, just as he does whenever you fucked; itto knew you loved feeling your breasts being stretched and pulled at. having him treat them like they’re gum or stressballs, yeah you loved that.

“g’na fuck a baby into you and make these tits spit out milk, yeah?”

you could only bite back a loud moan in response as itto pulled your nipple with a particularly long stretch. your other breast didn’t go unnoticed as he squeezed the knocker tenderly while his fingers flicked and rolled your sensitive bud.

under his touch, you couldn’t do anything but just melt.

then, itto gets an idea.

he pulls away which earns him whimper from you at the lost of contact and that tugs at his heart, prompting him to give you a quick kiss on the lips before slowly shifting you to lay on the couch with your legs still laced around his waist, attempting to grind on him.

“baby?” you ask in a daze with spit-slicked lips and eyes of intense arousal. itto swears you looked like a goddess sprawled out below him, just waiting to be taken and broken to the core. he gives you a sly smile, one arm going over the table right beside the couch to reach for the whipped cream he bought the night prior.

“ ‘yer g’na feel good.” was what he simply said before taking off the aerosol’s cap, shaking it for a few seconds before positioning the valve a few inches away from your right boob’s nipple. that’s when you finally understood what he was going to do and you weren’t quite sure if you were going to like it. itto pushes down the nozzle to dispense the whipped cream, the sweet paste coming into contact with your skin which made you shiver at the feeling.

once the cream was situated on your boob like an ice cream of the sorts did he stop and place away the bottle. he was licking his lips and congratulating himself for this one-of-a-kind idea, a short chuckle reverating from his body which has you questioningly looking at him and he catches your gaze, throwing you a proud smile.

itto starts off his present assault by leaving kisses surrounding your cream-covered tit, slowly progressing upwards and following the swirl’s direction with shallow licks, teasing. each push of the paste stimulated your sensitive bud, earning him gasps from your lips at the unfamiliar feeling of this sticky pleasure. you were squirming endlessly below him and he found that so adorable. he pulls away from your breast with cream all over his lips and specks on his cheeks, like a fed toddler did he look like. itto’s licking distorted the cream’s outer appearance but there was still a good amount of it left.

and that’s when he dove in, mouth wide open as he took in the entire portion of cream in one go which mooshes it onto your nipple like a sort of lube — the friction caused by the paste around the bud as itto sucked on it caused you to jolt upwards to him, hands gripping tightly on his shoulders, feeling a new type of pleasure, something you’ve never felt before. you were squirming, rubbing your thighs together to have some simulation on your pussy while itto worked on your breast.

“ ‘to, itto… fuck—! oh…” he feasted on the fruit of his idea as if he didn’t consume four milkshakes in the prior hour. itto’s tongue pulls on your nipple as he consumes the cream from the crevices, occasionally chewing down and biting on the bud with the melted paste flowing onto his tongue as if you were giving him milk.

yes, this was itto’s glorious idea. and he was right about you feeling good because this just…

“co–coming..! ooh-” you squealed out, feeling the tightening knot of your stomach coming undone and snapping in a second. your juices dampened your already-wet bottom even more, some of the slick sticking onto your boyfriend’s abdomen which was laying right above your pulsing cunt. you were panting from your release and itto’s endless suckling on your nipple, he raised his head and only clicked his tongue in response to your orgasm as he brooded over the fact that he wasn’t able to drink up your essence. what a waste. but whatever makes you feel good.

once there was little to no visible whipped cream left on your boob, itto looms up towards your face, all sweaty and flushed, and archons, he thought you looked so heavenly. your lips collide once again in a feverish kiss with one arm lazily wrapped around his head, weakly tugging at his hair.

“baby pleasee…” you whined as soon as itto pulls away from your lips with a droopy string of saliva. he gives you a hazy smile before trailing sloppy kisses down your abdomen, stopping right above the ribbon of your bikini panty. he gave the surface an agonizing lick, your legs shivering from the pleasure his gesture made you feel. itto himself was jolted by the way your juices exquisitely danced on his tongue, nothing could compare to how you taste to him.

“yummy, as always. but ya’ won’t be needing this anymore” itto exclaims as he pulls down your last article of clothing with his teeth. you were now bare in front of your boyfriend, something not really new to either of you but itto always finds himself ogling at your figure. he wonders how he was able to bag himself a creature like you, so perfect, so dreamy, so heavenly. you could feel his gaze heavy on you and it gave your pussy tingles.

“beautiful.” he breathes out, eyes skipping down to your glistening kitty.

you won’t be leaving the bed until tomorrow.

#୧ *·˚ 🌷#genshin #genshin impact #genshin smut #smut #genshin x you #itto x reader #itto smut #arataki itto #arataki itto x reader #itto #itto thirst #genshin impact x reader

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sapphic-sex-ed · 3 months

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I know this is just a me problem & I need to just suck it up and deal with it but I feel... incredibly guilty about not wanting to have sex with my friends. For one, I've never had a friend actually want to engage in that with me so a part of it might be me feeling bad about "not being good enough", but another part of me feels like the queer community is advancing to new places that gives them more joy, freedom, and love and it feels like since the topic is so triggering to me (for no good reason mind you) that I just don't really belong? I haven't been able to talk to other queer people or go to pride events because I'm in such a small, homophobic town. But I feel like if I showed up to a queer event, I just wouldn't fit in and they just would not like me. Not only for looking overly masculine and kinda yucky (not in way thats celebrated in the queer community) after my transition, but because the accomodations I would need for my triggers would just be too unrealistic to expect them to accomodate to (I've been in therapy for nearly 10 yrs, unfortunately some triggers just dont go away). And also bc I'm a sapphic trans guy and ,, man idk if that would piss people off.

I just want to ask, is it okay if I still view sex as sacred for myself but don't think poorly of people who have casual sex or sex with friends? If anything, I'm envious of them for being able to have such a connection to their friends that I would never be comfortable having.

I’m glad to hear you’re seeing a therapist, it’s very clear from your ask that you’re struggling with very low self-worth and I’ve been there and it sucks.

As for your question itself — sex positivity and sex acceptance are about finding a sexuality that feels good for you and don’t shame those whose sexuality feels good to them but isn’t the same as yours. If sex is something sacred to you that is for you alone or only to share with a select few then that is always valid as long as it feels good to you. At the same time, having sex with friends and having multiple partners is just as valid as long as it’s what the people practicing it wants. Neither one has the right to shame or devalue the other.

I notice a pattern in your ask, where you make claims about how you feel people will respond to you. This is a normal thing our human brains do, but this anxiety seems to be preventing you from going out and trying. You think but you do not know that people wouldn’t accept you. Thou think but you do not know that you wouldn’t fit in. Internet queer discourse is poison basically and people in the irl communities are usually a lot more accepting. Online we kinda forget that we’re interacting with other people, but irl we can’t do that as easily (although dehumanization of minorities is a thing, so not impossible but it takes a lot more organized, structural effort). In Swedish we have this expression “provtänka” which roughly translates to “try-thinking” or “attempting-think” where we sort of say a thought we had to other people, usually friends, to try it out. It can be something beneficial like “wait isn’t it strange that inflation is up 4% but benefits have only increased by 2,6%?” and then we can all curse capitalism together. But it can also be (and this is a real example of a thing I said when I was 16) “there are so many bad parents like shouldn’t the government like make you take tests and and out a license for you to reproduce so no children get harmed” and your friends will rightfully go “no wtf??? That’s such an over-reach of government power what are you on???”. Like you try out a thought that you haven’t thought about that much or aren’t that invested in and you do a vibe check basically. Like that pregnancy thought was whack but I hadn’t really thought about it. Luckily my friends were reasonable people who asked what tf was wrong with me and explained why that was a horrible thing and I haven’t thought that way since. Online, you sorta either get jumped which has the effect of you doubling down on your not even fully formed opinion bc you get defensive, or you find other whack jobs who agree and that’s how radicalization happens.

So to the point bc I lost it bc that who I am as a person: people are a lot more forgiving offline and if someone has doubts initially, they’re less likely to voice them, and if they do they’re likely to get checked, and if they don’t just spending time with you will humanize you (which is why people from bigger cities are usually more open-minded, bc exposure to people different than them).

And a last point to wrap up: you write that you’re “envious of them for being able to have such a connection to their friends that I would never be comfortable having”. Relationships aren’t a hierarchy. Romantic relationships aren’t superior to friendships, and sex with friends isn’t superior to hook-ups or long-term partners, and partnered sex isn’t superior to solo sex. They’re different flavors and not everyone will like the same thing. I can’t stand olives but I love pineapple on pizza. I once dated a girl who despised potatoes. Neither is better than the other. I can’t really understand why she would hate potatoes and most people I believe find it strange, but like that’s just her preference. And I know many people find me strange for my choices in pizza toppings (pineapple, banana and curry).

That is to say: it sucks when you feel left out of some type of relationship you’ll never have — I’m an only child hand have always been envious of people with siblings — but that doesn’t mean that type is “better” or that that type of connection is “deeper” than what’s possible within the types of relationships that would fit you.

-mod liz

#mod liz #sorry for the ramble lmao #queer #relationshps #kink mention

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radsplain · 1 year

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it’s driving me insane how, as a society, we used to understand that there were men, who knew they were men, who liked to dress up as women on the DL. we called them cross-dressers, and we understood that most of them, especially the older heterosexual men, were fetishists. we all knew and understood that these were heterosexual, autogynephilic men who fetishized “dressing up” as women. and the public shamed them for doing so. but in the past decade it’s as if this group of men has suddenly and completely vanished. where did they go? the answer is: absolutely fucking nowhere. we’ve just decided to start calling them something completely different now: trans women.

now you may be thinking, “well that doesn’t make any sense. cross dressers are not trans women! cross dressers know they’re men and identify as men and only dress up as women sometimes! they know that doesn’t make them trans women.” but that’s where you’re wrong. like stated previously, we used to know what to call these men. we had a word for them. and that word rightfully kept men who fetishized women away from women and our spaces. we knew as a collective that this type of man, who fetishized this fake version of womanhood, must be kept away from women and our spaces at all costs. calling them cross dressers created an invisible boundary between them and women. it was a boundary that shamed them (rightfully so, in my opinion) for fetishizing their surface perception of women. but in the last decade we’ve seen a new phenomenon pop up that’s ideologically captured society and mass gaslit women into believing that men who liked wearing dresses and wigs and makeup were actually women, instead of, you know, men who liked wearing dresses and wigs and makeup.

we used to see them as what they are: men with a fetish who are playing out a sexual fantasy (mostly) in private. but today, these very same men have been emboldened by the recent advent of gender ideology to take their fetish even further: instead of just “dressing up” as women in private, they’re now being encouraged to identify as women in public. their fetish for dressing up as women has now been given protection by the trans umbrella, and on those grounds they are being allowed to enter into women’s bathrooms, changing rooms, prisons, and sports simply because they “identify” as women. they are being encouraged and even cheered on by other women to play out their sexual fantasy in public. they’ve been given free license to take their fetish further, and many of them have.

now, you may be thinking: “yes there are men with fetishes, but do you really think men who aren’t ‘actually’ trans would go through all of the steps of transition just to be seen as a woman?” yes. yes, I do. men have fetishized every single aspect of womanhood. there’s a porn category for every facet of our being. men have become doctors just to play out their fetish on unsuspecting women. so yes, I do believe that some of them would take it that far, especially when they get social validation and sexual gratification from people seeing them as women and referring to them as such. their fetish has consumed them to the point where they have to become it. this is not new to men who develop paraphilias like this. it’s just that only recently this particular paraphilia has been given license to be expressed freely, in public, with no pushback or repercussions. doing so could outcast you from your friends, fire you from your job, or just plain socially ostracize you.

and before anyone tries to bring this point up: no, it isn’t all trans women. but it’s certainly easy to pick out the ones this phenomenon likely applies to. they almost always “transition” much older than your typical young adult transitioner. they have debilitating porn addictions (which they’ll never admit), and they tend to call themselves “trans lesbians” (ie. heterosexual men). these are the men who gender ideologists are telling women we have to accept into our spaces with open arms. the men who, just a few decades ago, we would’ve rightfully clocked as the fetishists they are.

I need y’all to expeditiously wake up. these men are not women. they are autogynephiles who are now being protected by other women and the trans community at large for practicing their fetish in public. and I’m fucking sick of people telling women we’re just being “paranoid” about the prospect of sharing our spaces with them.

#autogynephilia #trans lesbian #radfem #radical feminism #radfems do touch #radsplain.txt

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dukeofankh · 8 months

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i LOVE your post re male sexuality / ex christian recovery.

i debated whether to comment bc it’s an extremely personal topic, you know how strangers love to be overly familiar, but man your post really slaps!!

i went through a similar process as a man. and i think most men are somewhere on that road as well, even if many get lost. but you’ve clearly achieved this clarity and confidence, really pushed through a tangle of guilt and reactivity that is so confusing and horrible to live with, and i think that’s so cool.

gay guys prob have it a bit easier bc less of the standard messaging/dogma really applies to us, plus our male sexuality is mutually enjoyed — easier to find pride when it’s reflected back at you so self-evidently positive. if that makes sense.

basically, massive props to you for wading through it with women. that’s gotta be WAY harder imo. bigger cultural “predator” messaging, less familiarity, less simplicity. much less support available for healing bc so many people STILL buy the dogma.

wow long message, my bad. just saying i’m really impressed. you’ve got a solid foundation now for incredibly fulfilling relationships and you’re making the most of it. awesome!!

Thank you so much for your kind words! I've been getting so much positivity from this and it has honestly entirely shocked me.

I definitely feel like I'm still working at it, and I'm fully in my thirties, so it's a lot longer of a path than I ever thought it would be when I stopped believing in god and thought "well, good thing I'm putting all this I Kissed Dating Goodbye crap behind me."

In addition to just revelling in the praise (which I am working to accept and celebrate, considering how readily and openly as I would have internalized it if it had been criticism) I do also wanna respect and commiserate the connection between multiple identities and our experiences, because I've been getting so many different sorts of people seeing themselves in this post.

Your experience as a gay guy makes so much sense. I'm so happy you get to have that direct reflection of your own desire within your partner. An ally against self-loathing. Both a willing and eager recipient of your sexual hunger and someone who expresses that hunger right back.

I've also been hearing from trans women who have to still deal with the socialized self hatred that they've struggled to unlearn even after transitioning.

I've been hearing from cis wlw who have had to unlearn feeling like a predator, a wolf hidden among sheep.

I've heard from transmascs struggling to move past the fruitless task of trying to navigate the perceived dissonance between pure cinnamon roll queerness and evil, predatory masculinity.

And I do also want to give a shoutout to women who suffered the womens end of purity culture in a very straightforward way, the learned fear, the slut shaming, and who are telling me that they just...hadn't ever heard this side of it before. I love finding people who understand where I'm coming from, but I also deeply cherish when people get the chance to share and build community with people who have different perspectives. I've learned a lot from their stories over the years, and getting to share mine as well is lovely.

Like, it does suck for everyone. We do not like this system. I love that we can find community and solidarity in our struggle with something that has caused us so much pain, even as it takes all these different forms.

I know I did tell someone pretty early on that I am zeroed in on the masculine experience of this system, mainly because I was worried about that experience being erased and subsumed into a very different conversation but that hasn't happened, and it's made me feel really great.

Thank you!

#me writing stuff

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americascomic · 5 months

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My first year of transition, I really refused to engage in any trans literature, whatever theory, non-fiction or fiction. The exception is I read Andrea Long Chu's essay "On Liking Women" within days of coming out and I think I was still so close to just that raw rush of realizing that I am trans that it earnestly hurt to read and I had not nearly enough distance to really look at with a healthy perspective.

The trans community I first landed into at the time was this very urbane, overly white sorta vague Bushwick transbians types who engaged with trans authors as this sorta fixation on trans media - it felt very competitive and made me feel insecure and I couldn't keep up. Detransition, Baby was big at the time and everyone read it, everyone had a hot take on it and I was just getting footing with my queerness. I think this was sorta emboldened by a lotta of the girls around me "always knew they were trans" and were studying up on the issues beforehand it made me feel like I was coming into school mid-semester.

I think it was actually very much high school, and a lot of the girls (we kinda found ourselves and started transitioning at the same time, and at the same age - in our mid-to-late 30s) were insecure and I think wanted to look more confident going into this scary new world then they wanted to let on.

The books were really scary for me. Especially Whipping Girl and Detransition, Baby. I was terrified of my lived experience being talked over and feeling flattened and isolated and alientated.

Additionally, I experienced a lot of transmisogny in my first year of transition from other non-femme queer people and I sorta created this reflex for myself to be ashamed of self-advoacy and maybe even shame for my trans-femminity. And I retreated in something that I think is understandable, which is to focus on the racial aspect of queer liberation and read books on anti-racism and Black history. (I should say I'm white here)

Then, about a year and a half into transition I had family members do something incredibly painful to me. Like, it was such a shock from people that I thought I could trust and I would describe the experience as psychedelic in just how much it opened my eyes. Seeing that level of cruelty was just sobering and it made me come to terms with a lot of stuff in my transition that I was in denial about. It made me (somehow) admit to myself I was a lesbian. And it made me finally wake up and realize that I experience transmisogny, and that there is bigotry that is directed squarely at me and that I'm not somehow this proxy war for other intersecting battles, or that I need to give defrence to those who suffer more than me as some sort of token in order to speak on my own discomfort.

I told a non-binary friend about this, about how I basically "you know, I'm starting to think transmisogny is a thing I experience" and they put their hand on my hand and was basically like "this is why you should be doing the homework."

I don't know if Whipping Girl was right to have read right when I came out. Those self-protection measures were in part there in the reason. And I despise - especially as a trans woman - playing in games of woulda couldas. I just am happy that I am finally doing the homework and the book is opening me up to further revelations. Like taking ownership that i'm femme for femme. And that I'm a high femme and I should be proud of that, and take ownership that I am a high femme for it's own good and not as some consesion to a larger society.

I still have some contempt and nervousness over "trans homework assignments" but I read so much, and books ultimately are about letting another voice in your head and I deserve to have a trans woman in my head.

#Julia Serano #whipping girl #transfemme #transmisogny #trans femme

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grimmbitty · 6 months

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Handmade DC intro title card for a Shazam film that I made up!!⚡️

This post is kinda interesting because I have not tried my hand at video editing in a while. I’m hoping to get one of my friends to help me install photoshop on my computer so I can remake this sequence with actual 3D assets. But for now? They’re hand drawn in procreate.

I thought I would share some behind the scenes of how I made this for anyone who might be interested in doing something similar! :D

[ Behind the Scenes Info Below ⬇️ ]

Okay so I decided to make this intro as kinda like a “ooh what if I made my own Shazam film? How would I do the opening DC title? I would want it to be like a dark and spooky night, then have the camera be panning down through the clouds. Then I could easily transition into the opening scene because that takes place during a dark and stormy night. OOoOoO.”

But first, in order to do that I had to make modifications to the DC logo. I didn’t want to use any premade 3D assets they had; I wanted to make my own. However, I don’t currently have photoshop, so I had to improvise and make a 2D logo kinda look 3D with some extra layers and shading tricks. I did this in procreate, but any art app will do really. Just keep your preferred perspective in mind.

Then after I was done with making sure my perspective was all good and in check I then proceeded to decorate the hell out of the logo with a bunch of clipping masks lol. I just slapped a bunch of different things on there. Some lense flares, some random brushes, some multiply layers, whatever. I didn’t really have a plan in mind when I did this I just kinda went with the vibes.

Then after that I made another file where I just worked on the little sparkle effect that I added in. For the sparkle effect I just picked like a default brush in procreate that looked pretty and then animated it to do a little slide across the letter “D”.

Next, I did some work on the backgrounds. I made sure to have really “tall” files so that way I could make them slide down in my video editor. This kinda gives that vibe that we are descending through the clouds, hopefully towards an establishing shot, for our opening scene, for our fake movie.

I made two parts for this. One animated background where I changed to opacity of the backlight for each frame to kinda give the illusion that lightning was peaking through the clouds. The second was just some clouds that I was gonna overlay on top of the DC logo, so it just felt more like everything was in the scene together.

I would provide video examples of this, but tumblr only allows me to upload one video per post. And if you’re wondering what brushes I used to this? I just googled “Procreate free cloud brushes” and downloaded the top result.

The ones I’m using are made by an artist named DI, and I got them off of gumroad. Info for their socials provided in the third image below.

And then once I had all of those assets together I just edited them all together in a program called HitFilm Express. I used to like it a lot since it’s free, and I used to use it to edit YouTube videos. That was back when I used to upload my Minecraft videos with my friends online lol. However, recently HitFilm has put a lot of features I used to use behind a paywall so :/. I’m probably going to look for alternatives sometime soon.

Normally I don’t mind being restricted in some sense for a free program, but they disabled the ability to fade clips in and out, and I think that’s a vital tool. It’s a shame to see it locked behind a paywall because I used it in pretty much all my projects.

And lastly the audio! I just found free to use clips of rain sounds, thunder claps, and then some ambient music. The track you can hear in this short clip is the intro to the song Redeye - Green House (1994). The artist is also known as Tobias Beldermann if any of you guys were curious where I got that from.

Buttttt yeah! That’s about all I have for showing you guys how I made my little 5 second clip. I’m not really one who’s qualified to make “tutorials” in any sense, because most of what I post online is just me dicking around and having fun, so I don’t want to be super serious. But, I also like showing my process just so if anyone out there is maybe interested in doing something similar, well then they have some ideas for where to start.

Anyways, if you guys want to read my first couple scenes for my Shazam story Shazam:City of Brotherly Love I’m going to link it here.

It’s still a work in progress, and if I end up doing any edits I’m just going to make them to the the post itself. Just because it’s not really worth it to me, posting almost identical chapters/scenes over, and over again lol.

Okiii byyeee!! I hope you enjoyed!! ~✨

#dc comics #dc universe #dceu #dc fanart #dcu #dca fandom #captain marvel dc #shazam #shazam 2019 #digital art #digital illustration #shazam:cobl #captain marvel #fawcett comics

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ariesdescendant · 1 year

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𝒫𝓇𝑜𝑔𝓇𝑒𝓈𝓈𝑒𝒹 𝒮𝓊𝓃 𝒩𝑜𝓉𝑒𝓈 - 𝟣

I have been learning about secondary progressions and how to read a progressed chart. Astro-seek has a lovely assortment of calculators that make it so easy to access these charts!

Progressed charts show the personal evolution that takes place over your lifetime.

It’s important to remember: these charts are meant to add a layer on to your NATAL chart, which is the most important chart to have.

I’ve done a progressed Sun, progressed Moon, ascendant persona and solar return chart for myself and I want to share some of the things that stand out to me.

First of all, the Progressed Sun chart.

☀️ Your Progressed Sun, depending on how old you are and the degree your Sun is in your natal chart, may not show you much YET. Over your lifetime, it’s only going to move about 4 signs. Mine was at 23° Aquarius in the 5th house at birth. It is, as of today, at 0° Aries in my 6th house. That 0° is an important position because it is a critical degree, AND, it happens to be the exact position of my natal moon. Having the progressed sun at a critical cardinal degree suggests a theme of bringing something out into the open, taking charge, initiating a turning point.

☀️ When the Sun enters a new SIGN, we might feel a very distinct change in our energy. Some say it’s a very drastic change that is apparent to others as well as one’s self. New hobbies that seem surprising might arise. One that seems like an obvious one for me is an interest in physical activity and movement. There have been events happening throughout my entire last year or so that have sort of started building a foundation for a better understanding of the benefits of movement. I’ve always been totally averse to exercise. As a kid, I had trouble understanding the rules of organized sports and games. I was teased a lot by older kids, which started my shame complex. I’d sit out of everything and daydream. So...

☀️ Since 1° equals a year, then my progressed Sun remained in Aquarius for the first 7 years of my life, then slowly transited the entire sign of Pisces. This makes SO much sense. There WAS a big change sometime around 8 years old; I became more reclusive and stuck inside my head. I went through that miserable chunky stage before puberty, my mom gave me a ridiculous series of haircuts that have NEVER been socially acceptable at any time in history, and I became so incredibly sensitive. My first experience with trauma happened around then too. The way I responded to that trauma was excessive, endless crying fits. I would cry myself to sleep every single night, for about 7 months straight at it’s worse. This was the start of my Major Depressive Disorder. During my older childhood years, I was frequently called “gentle” and “caring”. I took on a lot of traits as coping mechanisms that have stayed with me... what’s a little chilling is to consider how Piscean placements are known for disconnecting, disassociating, retreating into addictions when faced with life’s troubles. That was me. That was 100% me from about 8-now. The first “addiction” I had was the actually the crying. I was still the quirky, strange Aquarius I was born- but with a new layer. A new Pisces layer.

☀️ With my progressed Sun finally being done in Pisces and entering the assertive, firey sign of Aries, I could really be at the start of a major transformation RIGHT NOW. Exciting! And scary! In Alan Oken’s The Progressed Sun, it says:

“You have behind you a great deal of gathered information about human nature, now you need to personalize what you know and make it into who you are. Keywords: I seek a direct relationship to my creative center.“ https://www.astrologi.no/images/stories/gh/Guides/alan%20oken%20the%20progressed%20sun.pdf

I’m doing lots of reading and research about this progressed sun transit from Aquarius into Pisces into Aries.

I’ll probably post another one about Progressions, looking at the ascendant and aspects, etc.

#progressed sun #progressions #secondary progressions #astrology #aquarius #aries #pisces

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hahahahahangst · 1 year

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Not a big deal (Dean Winchester birthday fic)

Context: Season 5/6 transition. Emily (Dean and Sam’s little sister) and Dean just moved into Lisa’s house. Settling into normal life is hard, but they’re doing their best.

Warning! This fic is set in Be The Young, my supernatural fanfiction. Although, there are no TWs here (this is all nice and fun, I promise I can write happy things (?))

“Good morning.” Smiled Emily, entering the kitchen. She looked around. “Where’s Lisa?”

Dean finally raised his eyes from his cup of coffee. “Extra shift at work.” He exhaled, clearly tired.

“That’s a shame.” Said Emily, starting the coffee machine. “But on the other side, I managed to get rid of work today.”

“Good.” He drank more coffee, sleepily staring in front of him. “God, I am so tired.”

“Why don’t you call in sick today? You’ve been working non-stop since we got here. It’s been what, two months? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you take a day off.”

“Well, cars break even on the weekend.”

“Yeah, but you’re not the only mechanic in Cicero.” Dean scowled at her, understanding the hunting analogy. Emily smirked. “Just saying, you know. If you were totake one day off, today would be the perfect day.”

“We’ve been off from our actual job for a month now.”

It was Emily’s turn to scowl at him. “We’re retired. Not the same thing.”

“Whatever.” He dismissed her. “Why today?”

Emily, confused, waited a second to see if he would start laughing. He didn’t. “Dean, come on.”

“What? Is it your birthday? I didn’t think you would care.” Emily kept staring at him. “...Ben’s birthday?” She covered her eyes with her hand and started laughing. “Lisa’s..? Why are you laughing?!”

“It’s your birthday, Dean!” Like raised from a trance, Dean turned towards the calendar that was hanging on the wall next to the door.

“Oh, right.” He shrugged. “Why does it matter? We’ve never celebrated a single birthday.”

“And?”

“And I’m surprised you even know my birthday!”

“What do you mean? Me and Sam have been buying you that pie you like so much every single year for what, five years? Of course I know your birthday!” Dean turned towards her, confused.

“You have?”

“Of course!” She laughed. “What do you say if this year we celebrate properly?” She hopped off the counter and retrieved his empty coffee cup to move it to the sink.

“I don’t know, Emily, it’s… it’s really not a big deal.”

“You’re right: it’s a normal people deal.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Seriously? You’re gonna play that card?”

“Yeah.” She proudly replied. Dean still didn’t seem on board. “Come on.” Dean exhaled.

“Alright… what did you have in mind?” He said, giving in to his sister’s request.

“It’s a surprise-”

“No, no, come on. You know I hate surprises.”

“You’ll love this one.” She smiled. “Trust me.”

Dean stared at her for a second. “Alright.” He allowed. Emily excitedly giggled. “Okay, so I’ll pick you up at 7, okay? Just be ready by then.” Dean rolled his eyes, but accepted nonetheless.

At 7 o’clock, Emily arrived back from all the errands she had to run, a bunch of plastic bags in the back of her car, and honked. In a matter of seconds, Dean opened the door and walked towards the car. “Get in loser, we’re going shopping!” She joked, rolling her window down as he approached her. With a grimace, Dean went around the car and sat next to her. She started driving away.

“So, where are going?” He asked.

“Not saying.” She smiled. “But hopefully you’ll love it.” As they moved away from the city, Dean started to grow more curious. When Emily parked, he inspected his surrounding from the car. It was dark, but in the shadow he could distinguish the shape of some sort of house. “Alright, come on.” Said Emily, exiting the car. She retrieved all the plastic bags from the backseat and started walking towards the cabin. Dean followed her, uncertain.

Emily opened the door and turned on the light in the cabin. It was very simple: there was a couch, a tv and a fireplace. That was about it. She had spent the entire morning cleaning it after years of abandonment.

“Where are we?” Asked Dean, confused.

“I present to you the Singer family summer mansion.” She said, theatrically gesturing towards the inside of the house.

“This is Bobby’s?”

“Yeah, says he hasn’t been here in decades, but he still had a key.”

“Well, why are we here?”

“For your birthday, why else?” Emily closed the door behind her and started lighting the fire place. “What? Were you expecting strippers and poker?” She joked.

Dean shrugged. “Well, a little bit.”

“I know you far too well to do something like that.” She stood back up from the fire and placed all the plastic bags on the table. “So, we got all party necessity: food…” She listed, taking out some chinese food containers. “...food….” She took out some fast food. “...we also have beer.” She unwrapped a six pack. “Anything we’re missing?” She smirked, looking at Dean.

“Well, if I were to guess I would say that bag contains pie.” He said, pointing at the last plastic bag.

“...and you would be perfectly right!” She smiled. “We got not one, not two, but three pies.” She placed all the pies on the table. “But no birthday would be complete if we didn’t have candles!” She took out a smaller plastic bag containing blue birthday cakes s[elling out number 3 and number 1. Dean could not contain his smile.

“Are you going to sing me happy birthday?” He joked.

“Oh, of course not.” She said, serious. “We’re adults.” She stopped for a second and smirked. “The candles will. Here…” She opened one of the pies and placed the candles on top of it. When she lit the first one up, it started emitting sounds. As Dean focused, he recognized Rumble on from Led Zeppeling being very crackly played by the candle.

“Happy birthday!” Smiled Emily, holding the cake in front of his face. “Make a wish!”

#happy bday dean winchester #24th january #dean winchester #dean winchester bday #dean winchester birthday #dean winchester bday fic #sister winchester fic #little winchester fic #little sister supernatural fic #be the young #sister fic #supernatural fanfiction #Supernatural angst #supernatural sister fic

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geniusincotomepremiumoptions · 1 year

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Shinigami Soul Agency, Season 1 (Part 1)

Episode 2

Atsushi’s Premium Option, “Call his bluff.”

My heart is racing, but against all odds, I manage to hold myself together.

MC: I-I can’t believe you’d talk so casually about souls like this.

MC: Do you not have any shame? You stand in a position of power!

MC: You hold control over whether or not humans have a successful transition into the afterlife!

He stares at me, expression unwavering, before he suddenly throws his head back and laughs.

MC: I’m serious! There’s nothing funny about this!

Atsushi: You have no idea, human, how wrong that statement is.

He wipes a tear from his eye, nodding.

Atsushi: Tell me you’re not resentful for having to be a part of the world that others get to live blissfully ignorant of.

Atsushi stands in front of me, uncomfortably close, and I try not to take notice of his ethereal features.

(He reminds me of a painting…)

(A stormy sea under a darkened sky, the sun clawing at the clouds to let it through.)

Atsushi: Going around talking to yourself… working with death every day.

Atsushi: People probably think you’re crazy, right?

Atsushi: And all the while, you’re trapped on the outside looking in at a more peaceful world you can never be a part of.

His voice turns harsh.

Atsushi: Now tell me you don’t think the same feeling exists for my kind.

My breath catches in my throat.

(How did he know?)

MC: You’re right. I do feel like that sometimes. But I’ve had no choice but to accept that this is my life.

MC: Besides… if it means I can help others somehow in their final moments…

I close my eyes and push back my memories.

MC: You’re not here to take my soul, and death doesn’t scare me.

Atsushi: Your confidence is astoundingly unwarranted…

MC: I’ve danced with death once before, so I know what it’s like… Call it unwarranted all you like.

MC: I also know your reports, and I really do think you take care in your work.

MC: I empathize with anyone, Shinigami or human, who wishes they didn’t have to follow this path.

MC: I don’t claim to know what those above had in mind when the worlds were built this way…

MC: But I’m sure there are reasons for it that we’ll never know.

Atsushi: How naive of you to make such a creator out to be benevolent.

I frown, speaking slowly as I collect my thoughts.

MC: Maybe. But I’m grateful that I was given a second chance. Many others aren’t…

We stand there for a moment in silence, not taking our eyes off one another.

Atsushi: I’ll hold you to those words when the actual time comes for me to collect your soul.

MC: Who says it’ll be you?

Atsushi: I do.

The certainty and confidence in his voice causes my breath to hitch.

Atsushi: Congratulations, MC. You’ve caught my attention.

(He’s an enigma.)

(A Shinigami who smiles as if he has no care in the world-)

(Yet it’s so clear to me that he’s in pain.)

Riku’s Premium Option, “Ask Riku what he has in mind.”

MC: Go on then.

MC: Tell me how you could help based on your theoretical needs and human experience you think I lack.

Riku: I know you don’t have experience in this area, little wisp.

MC: I mean it without involving…

I look away and feel heat rising to my cheeks.

MC: You know…

Riku: Ah. That’s it then. I’m out of ideas.

MC: You really have a one-track mind.

Riku: Think what you will.

He shrugs.

MC: That’s not an answer.

Riku: You didn’t ask me a question.

I huff.

MC: Do you really not care about whose heart you’re leading on and possibly breaking?

Riku: I don’t have an interest in breaking hearts.

Riku: And leading them on? That would be on them, not me.

Riku: I’m always transparent from the beginning.

Riku: You see, little wisp, not all humans are looking for love, and that’s OK.

MC: That sounds… lonely.

Riku: For you, maybe—for others, not so much.

Riku: Life is short. Live it as best as you can! Besides…

Riku: Why not humor the irony of it all?

Riku: Humans and Shinigami could never end up together anyway, despite being forced into the same vicinity.

Riku: But it is fascinating…

He nods, sinfully biting his lip and chuckling to himself.

Riku: You humans spend all your time cowering in the shadows, either avoiding us at all costs or admiring us from afar.

Riku: And you see—that last part gets me.

He leans in forward, almost whispering.

Riku: What could be so attractive about death?

Riku: We’re not sirens but some of you are drawn to us anyway.

His voice is smooth like silk, becoming one with the air that silently moves between us.

Riku: So, tell me, you neither run from us nor toward us… What do you want?

I stand there silent, trying to understand what he sees in me that I don’t.

Riku: And this.

He takes a step back but keeps his eyes pinned on me.

Riku: This is what irritates me. You obviously want something but never take the time to figure it out.

I shake my head as if coming out of a strange trance.

MC: What does it matter to you what I want? We’ve only just met.

He shrugs.

Riku: Maybe we should figure it out together, hmm? That’s how I’ll help you.

Riku: I’ll just have to think of more vanilla ways, nothing that this brain can’t do.

MC: I may agree if you promise not to treat me like one of your flings.

Riku: You don’t have to worry about that.

I’m not sure whether to be relieved or offended.

He straightens his shoulders and rolls his neck, sighing pleasantly as it pops.

Riku: Now, I usually don’t care about being late for meetings, but I can’t be bothered to listen to Setsuna’s nagging tonight.

Riku: I’m sure we’ll meet again soon.

MC: I’m heading this direction anyway, so let’s part here. It’ll be awkward otherwise.

Riku: Isn’t ‘awkward’ the human experience?

(What exactly does he think the ‘human experience’ entails?)

Episode 3

Setsuna’s Premium Option, “Move closer to Setsuna.”

His unlikely invitation has me hesitating.

MC: Is this a test?

Setsuna: Three…

Setsuna: Two…

MC: Wait!

Before he can finish his countdown, I quickly scuttle to his side.

A huff of laughter leaves him, and I stare straight ahead, unable to meet his eyes.

MC: Thank you…

I’m hyperaware of our proximity as I catch the leathery fragrance of his cologne.

Setsuna: If this is how you like to spend your free time, you must’ve gotten sick often. No wonder your parents were against it.

MC: Lucky for you, I don’t catch colds easily. You’ll be seeing me tomorrow, don’t worry.

I’m finally feeling warm, but I’m unsure if that’s because of his jacket or the blush blooming on my cheeks.

Setsuna: Is that so? You could almost convince me that you’re superhuman.

(Ah. So he does have a sense of humor… It’s just the dry kind.)

MC: Would that make you less offended by my presence?

Setsuna: No. I’m still going to do everything in my power to get you off this task force.

MC: I just don't get it. You don’t know me well enough to make the judgments you do.

When I look up, he’s staring down at me through his silver lashes, and I have to steady my gaze.

Setsuna: Do I have to? It’s quite simple. You don’t belong here.

MC: It’s not all my doing. I was practically dragged here by the agency on Coming Of Age day.

Setsuna: Why didn’t you run?

His chest rises as his body tenses.

(Huh?)

Setsuna: Forget it.

Setsuna: It’s none of my business how you can stand here without a shred of fear, next to the thing that will end you.

The callousness of his words no longer hurts me.

(This sounds personal.)

MC: Then why comment on it like it is?

Setsuna: Don’t be mistaken. The human psyche is of no interest to me.

MC: But it sounds like you’re intimidated by human fragility.

His jaw clenches as he looks away.

Setsuna: It’s indisputable that your lives aren’t even a grain of sand on the timeline of the universe.

I pinch the lapel of his jacket to keep it from falling.

MC: Even if that’s true, you can’t deny we’ve left our mark on that same timeline.

Setsuna: You don’t seem to understand.

He turns his body to mine, and I feel an unexpected sense of tension between us.

MC: You’re not making it easy to.

Setsuna: I know.

His gaze dances across my features before dropping to the ground, causing a familiar tug on my chest.

Setsuna: It looks like the rain has finally settled. Take the coat with you, especially if you want to convince me that you don’t get sick.

He slips his jacket off, and I soon find myself holding it close to my chest, oddly calmed by the lingering scent of him.

As he walks away, I’m left searching for an explanation behind the interaction we just had.

(The way he communicates is so calculated that I don’t even know if we’re having the same conversation.)

(I want to know what he’s holding back.)

Atsushi’s Premium Option, “Explore with Atsushi.”

(I know he’s only saying that to get me to go with him, but…)

Truth be told, the idea of staying here alone creeps me out.

MC: Alright, I’ll go with you, but no games.

Atsushi: Aw… But that’s half the fun…

MC: Do you not have any hobbies?

He freezes, puzzled.

Atsushi: What a mundanely human thing to ask. Dearest mortal…

With one swift motion, the tip of his scythe lands a hair’s width from my chest.

Atsushi: My hobby is you.

I don’t dare breathe.

Spinning on his feet, his coat sways with the evening breeze as if beckoning me to follow.

Atsushi: Come on then.

(Any sane person would run. Why is it that I don’t?)

Atsushi: I hate to admit it but I’m impressed.

Atsushi: You’re inhumanely calm despite this whole situation. I could almost mistake you for being one of us.

Atsushi: But I suppose we’ll have to see what the rest of the night brings.

MC: It’d be nice to understand why you speak to me like this… I don’t think you’re doing it to upset me.

Atsushi: I just have a point to prove. That’s all.

MC: If I’m dead, it’ll prove nothing, and you’ll just be left.

I throw the back of my hand to my forehead like a damsel in distress.

MC: Unsatisfied.

He smirks and laughs to himself.

Atsushi: Your sense of humor is just as twisted as mine. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Atsushi: Tell me—how can you be so indifferent?

Atsushi: Your acting is so good. It’s almost convincing…

MC: I’m just numb to it all. It’s only complicated when people make me think about it.

Atsushi: So you don’t want to. Think about it, I mean.

MC: I can’t. There’s a wall there when I try.

Atsushi: Ah, so there is a mask… You just can’t remove it yourself.

MC: Isn’t there a saying that if you wear a mask for too long, it becomes one with you?

Atsushi: I think you’re right. We can’t both be right though.

MC: Why not?

Atsushi: It’s not that fun that way, is it?

MC: We need to get you out more so you can learn what ‘fun’ actually means.

MC: Although, according to Riku, I’m no fun either.

Atsushi: Oh, but you very much are.

He stops and turns his head to me, tilting his head with an all-too-alluring smile.

Atsushi: You have thirty days to prove which one of us is right. I’m going to enjoy it~

MC: Not everything has to be a game, you know.

Atsushi: Ah, but it makes existing bearable.

He looks to the sky and takes a deep breath.

Atsushi: You’re quite good with handling Shinigami, aren’t you?

MC: I know more Shinigami than I do humans…

Atsushi: And yet, you’re still human. You must be so lonely.

MC: Are you?

His smile widens as he closes his eyes and pauses.

Then, without responding, he skips away.

(Neither of us answered…)

Episode 4

Setsuna’s Premium Option, “Tend to Setsuna.”

Without looking up, Setsuna points to his left.

Setsuna: You’re both headed that way. Same train, right?

Riku: Lucky for me, yes.

MC: Um… Riku, can you go on ahead?

Riku: Huh?

MC: I’m going to stay back with Setsuna for a moment.

Both Riku and Setsuna raise a brow in unison.

Riku: I guess it’s best not to ask.

Riku: Don’t worry, little wisp… I’ll be sure to get the details tomorrow.

He grins and waves before heading off.

Setsuna: I don’t understand. What could you possibly—

I take my handkerchief from my bag and reach out to dab the blood from his cheek…

But before I can, he grabs my hand to stop me.

My breath hitches.

Setsuna: Don’t.

His voice breaks on the word, causing my chest to ache.

MC: But you’re bleeding…

When he swallows and looks away, I can’t help but feel like I'm missing something.

(Why?)

Setsuna: It’ll heal on its own.

MC: Are you sure? You acted like this hadn’t happened before.

Setsuna: Our biology is different.

Setsuna: You’ve let your guard down. You treat us as if we’re the same, but that’s a lie.

Setsuna: I’m a Shinigami. You’re a Human. You’re a fool to think that we’re at all similar.

(He says that but… I can feel the warmth of his hand through his leather glove.)

(The streetlights reflect in his eyes when he gazes at me…)

(And the blood smeared on his cheek is as red as mine.)

(Seems similar enough to me.)

MC: Well, guess I’m a fool then.

Setsuna: What?

MC: I have twenty-nine days left.

Setsuna: I told you to stop talking ab—

MC: Why? Does it upset you?

MC: Are you angry that you’ll have to bear witness to it?

MC: Is that the real reason you want me off Task Force Mors?

(I don’t actually know what’s bothering him, but I’m trying to understand.)

MC: Do you feel too human? I think Atsushi feels that way too… and Riku clearly thrives off it.

Setsuna’s mouth tightens to a thin line.

MC: The only difference between us is our circumstances.

MC: If my final days are with the three of you, then I want to make something meaningful out of it.

MC: Even if it means I have to pretend that we’re friends.

MC: So humour me. Even if you have to pretend as well, that’s enough for me.

Setsuna: It sounds like your confidence is faltering. Did the ghost from earlier throw you off that badly?

His eyes flicker to our hands, and he gently lets go.

MC: It felt lonely. I think it scared me.

He inhales deeply and looks away.

Setsuna: Why are you telling me this?

MC: I don’t know. I guess because I thought you’d listen.

Setsuna: Well, you’re mistaken.

His words hurt for some reason, and I find myself getting frustrated.

When I reach up to try to clean his wound again, he freezes beneath my touch again.

MC: Having a heart isn’t the worst thing in the world, you know. You should try it.

I gently wipe away the blood before dropping my hand.

Setsuna: I did once.

His eyes shift to mine.

Setsuna: And I regretted it.

I can’t say anything.

Instead, the summer breeze fills the silence as I wonder what hurt him enough to ruin his humanity.

(Humanity? Yes… I’m starting to think they have it as well.)

Riku’s Premium Option, “Share my feelings with Riku.”

I steady my wildly pounding heart.

MC: What?

Riku: You heard me.

His proximity is making it difficult for me to think clearly.

Riku: You and Setsuna are frustratingly similar.

Riku: He also refuses to talk about anything that bothers him. He just keeps it all locked inside…

Riku: But I can’t let you do that because I’ve seen what it’s done to him.

His eyes dart between my own.

MC: You know well as I do that Setsuna won’t react kindly to my tardiness.

Riku: I don’t care. This is more important.

Riku: Even though I did think you looked pretty cool the other day when you told him off—

Riku: It became clear you’re the stubborn type that hides behind a straight-laced persona.

Riku: And I don’t think it’s fair for you to suffer alone.

Riku: You’ve had the shock of your life, and no one here gets it. It must be such a burden on you.

(Now that I think about it, he’s always been the one asking if I’m OK.)

MC: Riku…

(And I don’t know how to handle it because it’s nothing I’ve ever experienced.)

(I really appreciate this side of him…)

MC: I’m alright.

He bows his head in defeat.

MC: Hang on, let me finish!

MC: It’s not that I’m hiding my feelings. It’s just… I can’t.

MC: I can’t show that side of me.

Riku: Why not?

His expression is gentle—a mix of curiosity and patience.

(I can’t believe I’m admitting this…)

MC: It’s a side of me I don’t like.

Riku: I see…

Riku: Is there a chance you’re just afraid of it?

I tuck my hair behind my ears and look away.

MC: That’s likely a part of it, but I don’t think I’m ready to look any deeper than that right now…

MC: And that’s not because I don’t trust you.

Riku: If you’re not ready, that’s fine.

Riku: I just wanted you to know that it’s OK to feel these very normal emotional responses.

(Sometimes I feel like he understands me more than I do.)

MC: Is there a reason you’re so in sync with us? Humans, I mean…

His eyes dart away for a moment.

Riku: No, I’m just surrounded by you guys all day, every day.

(He hesitated…)

Finally, he takes a step back and I feel a pang of loss.

Riku: Anyway, little wisp, I guess I should let you go.

Riku: Don’t get caught up in Setsuna’s bull.

Riku: You shouldn’t take it too seriously.

Riku: Especially when you’re…

His words trail off as he looks at the ground.

(Ah…)

In a sudden shift that catches me off my guard, he throws a hand on my shoulder and smiles.

Riku: Forget that. Good luck with Setsuna.

(He’s forcing his smile.)

(I don’t like seeing him conflicted like this.)

MC: Wait! Riku, why’d you—

He spins me around and gives me a push to Setsuna’s office.

I try to stand my ground but end up tripping over my own feet.

MC: You’re going to make me—

Before I completely lose my balance, his arms wrap around my waist from behind.

MC: F-fall…

Episode 5

Setsuna’s Premium Option, “Get food with Setsuna.”

I don’t want to pass up a chance to spend more time with him.

MC: OK. Did you have something in mind?

I hold back a smile.

Setsuna: Shinsaibashi is close. Follow me.

The streets are busy as usual, but that just means I stand out less.

MC: Superiors usually pay for their subordinates, right?

Setsuna: Not if you ask so directly. Besides, didn’t you just have a go at me?

I bite my lip.

MC: Didn’t you do the same back?

There’s no real bite to my words. Most of my frustration from earlier is gone.

Setsuna: Don’t tell me you’re expecting an apology.

MC: Yes, in the form of food.

Setsuna: And your apology to me?

MC: I’ll stop bothering you after today and focus on my work.

Setsuna: … Do you mean that?

I’m confused by his frown.

MC: I think we get on each other’s nerves easily, and…

MC: I don’t want there to be friction between us in my final days.

MC: Besides, I think I like you more than you like me.

Setsuna: What?

His face betrays shock and I point a finger at his chest.

MC: Not like that.

I walk on ahead.

MC: What kind of food do you eat at home?

Setsuna: Probably the same things as you.

MC: Really? So we are similar, at least in that regard.

Setsuna: Ah, but you’re missing out on flavors that no human can detect.

MC: Of course you have special taste buds…

I run-up to a stand to order and soon return to Setsuna with a steaming plate of food.

MC: The okonomiyaki from this shop is the best…

Setsuna: I’m sure it is.

MC: Take a bite. This is your apology.

I cut off a piece with my chopsticks and bring it to his mouth where he hesitates.

After I narrow my eyes, he leans in and eats it.

(He’s… smiling?)

Setsuna: Riku’s not wrong about human street food.

MC: You think so?

I reach out and pinch his cheek to make his smile wider.

Surprisingly, he lets me.

Setsuna: I thought you were going to leave me alone after this.

His tone is exasperated, but his lips twitch with a playful smirk.

I can’t explain why.

Maybe because it’s because of the extreme emotions I felt earlier or the relief I feel now…

But I’m suddenly laughing.

Setsuna: Are you well?

When I look at him, his confusion only grows.

MC: Your smile…

He huffs and crosses his arms.

MC: There’s nothing wrong with it! I just haven’t seen it before.

Setsuna: People are staring at you.

MC: That’s fine.

MC: It feels nice… This feels nice.

Meeting his gaze, I realize that there’s something about his eyes that I enjoy.

(It’s like a foreign yet familiar comfort…)

Setsuna: Continue then. Keep laughing, MC.

(Sorry, Setsuna, but I don’t think I can bear to leave you alone after all.)

(Being with you feels too nice.)

Atsushi’s Premium Option, “Climb up with Atsushi.”

MC: I imagine the view is great, but how are you expecting me to get up there?

He rolls on his back and tilts his head over the edge, watching me upside down.

Atsushi: Oh, I think the view is better down there~

MC: Very funny.

I purse my lips, hoping he can’t see what his comment did to my cheeks.

(His wicked smile isn’t helping…)

Atsushi: Alright. Let’s get you up here.

He flicks his chain over the edge and gestures for me to grab it.

Atsushi: Trust me—it’ll feel like gravity doesn’t exist.

MC: This is an accident waiting to happen.

But I grab onto the chain with both hands.

Atsushi: The only death that’s following you at this moment is me. Lucky you~

I settle down next to him and look out over the streets.

Atsushi: You should be proud of me. I was tempted to scare you.

MC: Well, I’m glad you didn’t.

I give him an awkward smirk as he stares ahead.

MC: It’s nice up here.

Atsushi: Right? I actually enjoy watching the organized chaos of your world.

Atsushi: I’m still waiting for something truly interesting to happen, though.

MC: So you can jump in to chat?

Atsushi: Why would I do that?

MC: Because, like me, I think that you yearn to find others that accept your quirks.

MC: I understand the resentment that comes with not being able to fit in.

For once, Atsushi doesn’t respond.

MC: When Ouka and I found each other, she helped me move past that.

MC: So it’s OK to wait for that ‘interesting’ to come along, just don’t let it consume you.

He suddenly bursts into laughter.

MC: H-Hey!

Atsushi: Ah, little human, you’re the most fun I’ve had in a long time.

Wiping a tear from his eye, he offers me his hand.

Atsushi: Come on. Let’s get you back inside before people start thinking I stole you away for good.

I take it, but I wasn’t quite ready to leave just yet.

Atsushi: What are you going to tell Saburo? He’s not especially forgiving, I’ve heard.

MC: That’s why rumors are just rumors. He’s actually rather kind and forgiving.

MC: I’ll just tell him you held me back. He wouldn’t be surprised, right?

Atsushi: Do let me know how that goes.

He reaches up and straightens the lapels of my uniform.

Atsushi: Lovely.

His hands stay where they are, and when he looks at me, I am suddenly aware of how close he is.

Atsushi: You really are beautiful, MC, and your unwavering confidence is starting to get to me. But…

His smile leaves his face, and I release the breath I was holding.

Atsushi: Your naivety is overwhelming.

Atsushi: I wonder if that will reflect how your soul looks… If so, I’m sure it’ll be beautiful.

MC: That’s…

Atsushi: Too bad that you’ll never know. Oh—

Atsushi: I heard Setsuna whisked you away for a reaping. How did it go?

Atsushi: Did you like how it exposes a human’s true self?

I look away, remembering what it was like to witness death.

Atsushi: Hmm… Fascinating.

Atsushi leans next to my ear, and the warmth of his breath makes me lightheaded.

Atsushi: Don’t worry. I’ll be kind to you. I’ll make sure it’s me~

MC: I-I trust you will.

Atsushi: Well, time to go.

Atsushi: But one last comment to stir up your mind—

Atsushi: I think I’ve found that ‘interesting’ thing.

He turns and waves a hand over his shoulder as I stand there, gripping my shirt to calm my racing heart.

Episode 6

Riku’s Premium Option, “Be honest with Riku.”

MC: I’ve never thought about it before…

My mouth twists in thought.

MC: I mean, I’ve never been in a position to…

MC: I’d imagine it’d be nice.

MC: How about you?

He scoffs.

Riku: Shinigami don’t feel such things. We’re not programmed that way.

MC: I don’t believe you. You’re telling me that no Shinigami has ever fallen in love?

Riku: Yep.

MC: Liar.

Riku: What’s there not to believe?

MC: You’ve just shown me that there isn’t much difference between humans and Shinigami.

MC: But I also know you’re not a massive fan of forming close relationships.

Riku: How long have you spent thinking about me to come to this conclusion?

I ignore his comment.

MC: You’re curious, but you don’t want to allow yourself to be vulnerable. That’s why you like to play around and—

Before I can finish speaking, Riku catches my fingers in his and abruptly leans over me.

Riku: Are you lecturing me about love when you’ve probably never even kissed someone?

He stares me down with a gaze so intense that my cheeks begin to flush with warmth.

MC: I-I was just expressing how I’ve begun to understand you…

Riku: So you have kissed someone.

His eyes drop to my mouth, and I try to hold myself together.

MC: Why are you so hung up about my love life? Especially when you avoid attachments…

Riku: I wonder.

MC: It shouldn’t matter to you whether I have or not… We’re not even together…

Riku: It matters if you haven’t. I’m not concerned if you have…

He trails off, tilting his head in thought.

Riku: As long as it's never with anybody else again.

MC: What’re you…

He pulls back, and it takes a moment to catch my breath as I sit up.

Riku: Well.

His smile is laced with mischief as he plucks a wild clover from the grass.

Riku: If you ever want to have fun before your time is up—I’m free.

Without thinking, I take the flower from his hand and stick it behind his ear.

MC: Yeah, yeah. Thanks, but I’m good.

MC: Especially when you don’t know what you wa—

Riku: I know what I want.

MC: Y-You do?

Riku: Are you jealous?

My laugh is overly dramatic.

MC: Absolutely not. I’m happy for you.

MC: Wait.

MC: Then what was that back there?! You can’t be playing these games when you—

I stop myself and shake my head with disappointment.

MC: Shameless. You’re shameless! I’m taking this back.

I reach to pluck the flower from his ear but he bats my hand away.

Riku: It’s mine now.

I try again, but he fends me off.

Riku: And that kiss—if you ever decide you want it, it has to come from me.

My hand falls to the grass as the breeze dances between us.

And when he meets my eyes, I find myself wondering what it would be like to be held by him.

(Even if he is a pain in the neck sometimes, he brought me to his quiet place just to get my mind off things.)

MC: Riku… Thanks for sharing this with me.

MC: I think I understand why you come here now.

His soft smile sets my heart aflutter.

Riku: Don’t mention it, little wisp.

Atsushi’s Premium Option, “Caress Atsushi’s cheek.”

I stroke his face gently, finding his skin smooth and soft between the stitches.

MC: You don’t have to do anything.

MC: Just know that I understand you.

MC: You may be a Shinigami, but it seems we have more in common than you think.

Atsushi stiffens imperceptibly, then huffs out a laugh.

Atsushi: Are you sure you’re human?

He pinches my cheek, and my hands fall away as I’m pulled out of whatever trance I fell into.

Atsushi: I know of many female demons…

MC: How could I possibly be one when I’m dying?

He lifts up my chin with his finger and moves it from side to side.

Atsushi: You could be possessed. Or doing the possessing.

MC: You know that’s not possible.

Atsushi: Do I?

Atsushi: Then explain how you’ve bewitched me.

I gasp as he leans in, his breath hot against my skin.

MC: You’ll have to answer that for yourself.

MC: Even if I want to, I don’t know if I can breach the world you live in…

Atsushi: So you think I’m crazy as well?

MC: I don’t think you’re crazy, I think you’re just lost.

He swallows, the reverie in his eyes replaced with awe.

MC: But not by choice…

Atsushi: You have no idea what you’re talking about.

MC: I do. Because I’m lost too.

MC: But it’s not either of our faults…

Atsushi: Are you suggesting that we’re two souls fated to be together even though I don’t have one?

Atsushi: How tragically beautiful and poetic… I should warn you, though.

He moves to rest his lips beside my ear.

MC: A-Atsu—

Then he whispers, each word sends a shiver through me.

Atsushi: If you continue to lure me in like this, it’ll be difficult for me to take your soul, and then you’ll be left as a ghost.

MC: How…

I take a moment to steady my breathing.

MC: How are you so confident that you’ll be the one taking it?

Atsushi: Because there’s no way I’d let anyone else touch you.

Atsushi: Only I can ferry you to the vault of souls. Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle~

MC: You’re not making sense…

MC: You find human souls worthless. What about mine that’s so enticing?

MC: If this is a game, it’s a strange one.

Atsushi: I like beautiful things, and your soul will be absolutely breathtaking.

Atsushi: A beacon for the shadow that stalks me…

His words are an enigma.

Atsushi: I’ll carry you with me wherever I go.

MC: And when I fade?

He backs away, changing his demeanor and flipping his hair as if nothing happened.

Atsushi: I haven’t thought that far ahead. Our journeys can be fun, though.

I can’t move from the wall. My heart is beating faster than the wings of a hummingbird.

Atsushi: Hmm? What’s this?

Atsushi innocently eyes me up and down before his lips curl up with satisfaction.

Atsushi: It’d be pointless to fall in love with me, MC~

Atsushi: One, your clock is running out… And two—

Atsushi: You’ll only hate me in the end.

He steps away and walks off, without a second glance, leaving me struggling to catch my breath against the wall.

Episode 7

Riku’s Premium Option, “Kiss Riku on the cheek.”

I rest my hands on his face, and do my best to match his height, rolling on my toes to kiss his cheek.

Admittedly, I have to jump a little.

His skin is soft and warm beneath my lips.

And when I pull back, the flush on his cheeks mirror my own.

Riku: MC, wh-what’re you—

MC: How’s that?

Without hesitation, I wrap my arms around his waist and embrace him, resting my head against his chest.

(His heart is racing…)

Riku: O-Oi!

He awkwardly squirms for a moment before placing a hand on my head.

We’re silent for a moment, but it’s a comfortable silence.

Riku: Careful now, little wisp.

Riku: A man could get the wrong idea.

The way he runs his fingers through my hair is gentle and soothing.

He doesn’t need to say anything else because I already know.

MC: I wish I had gotten to know you months ago.

(Maybe that’s the one regret I’ll hold on to.)

MC: If I wasn’t… on a time limit, do you think we’d have turned out like this?

Riku: Is that what you would’ve wanted?

I nod into his chest.

MC: I can imagine you pulling me into adventures with all sorts of consequences.

MC: And secretly, I’d enjoy every moment.

Riku: A Shinigami and a human? Unconventional, but we’d find a way to make it work.

Riku: I’d take you to my realm for a quick tour, maybe drag you to a festival with spirits dancing around all night long.

MC: So illegal.

Riku: Yet so fun. I’d protect you.

Riku: You know… I’ve never been against bonding with humans.

I can’t help but snicker.

MC: Clearly.

Riku: Hey. I’m being serious.

I’m surprised when he playfully tugs on my ear.

Riku: But I think beneath it all is the fear that it will come to an end eventually.

Riku: You guys don’t live as long as we do, and it’s not easy to…

His voice breaks right as he pauses.

Riku: … to say goodbye. Which is why—

Resting hands on my shoulder, he pulls back and brushes my hair out of my face.

Riku: Sucks.

Riku: But I made the decision a while back to see this through with you.

(Is he saying he’s going to be lonely when I’m gone?)

(That he’s going to miss me?)

Tears begin to blur my vision.

MC: I-I’m sorry…

Riku: Wh-Why’re you apologizing?!

Gently yet awkwardly, he tries to brush away my falling tears.

MC: B-Because I don’t want you to mourn for me…

His breath hitches.

Riku: I mean…

He sighs, unable to find the words.

Riku: That’s how it is, little wisp. But let’s not think about it now, hmm?

Cupping my face, he delicately wipes away the last few tears.

Riku: I want you to live in the moment. Got it?

Riku: This time we get to spend together is worth it.

I nod, leaning into his touch.

(I don’t want to say goodbye.)

With a sigh, I lead us back to the station.

Setsuna’s Premium Option, “Lean into Setsuna’s touch.”

I’m drawn to Setsuna even though there’s no proper explanation for it.

(Being with him feels like running towards the finish line that keeps getting further and further away.)

(But the sparks that fly between us makes me feel truly alive.)

I lean in as his fingers brush against the edge of my mouth.

Setsuna: Stay still.

His fixated gaze is too much for my already racing heart.

(This is a joke… right? Setsuna would never touch me like this…)

Crumbs from my earlier treat fall onto my skirt and I’m dragged back to reality.

(Wha—)

(What?!)

His thumb lingers on my lips.

Setsuna: You’re still so childish.

There’s a tender smile between those words which throws me off.

I reach into my bag and pull out a handkerchief to wipe my face.

MC: Why didn’t you say something?!

Setsuna: I didn’t care. Why are you embarrassed?

MC: I-I’m not.

All I want to do is yell at myself for thinking such silly things.

Setsuna: Your cheeks are saying otherwise.

Unlike Riku, he isn’t flirting. He’s just speaking facts.

MC: You’re not really sparing me, are you…

MC: Do you guys not blush? It’s quite a normal thing to do…

Setsuna: No, we do. I just don’t understand why you’re doing it.

I open my mouth to retort but then I catch his smirk.

(Is he actually teasing me?)

MC: Hey!

I sigh and shake my head.

MC: I am surprised though…

Setsuna: About?

MC: You touching me… You usually keep your distance.

I rest my chin against my knees and find a ladybug in the grass to focus my gaze on.

Setsuna: Oh. That’s…

When he doesn’t continue, I finally turn to him and see him frowning into space.

Setsuna: Your presence is becoming a part of my everyday life.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he lets his head fall back against the trunk.

Setsuna: And with each day that passes, I lose my ability to—

He cuts himself off, and I’m taken aback by the animosity in his voice.

But this time, it seems reflected inward.

Setsuna: Nevermind. Forget I said anything.

(You lost your ability to do what, Setsuna?)

MC: Does my presence really bother you that much?

Finally, he meets my eyes, and his piercing stare takes my breath away.

Setsuna: I never minded your presence. If anything, the opposite is true, and that’s the problem.

I lean closer, and tilt my head as if that will help me understand him.

MC: I don’t get you Setsuna.

Setsuna: I know. It’s best like this.

Setsuna: Just know you’ve done nothing wrong. This is my burden to bear.

I have so many questions, but without having said much, Setsuna has said a lot.

MC: Why are you afraid of being open with me?

MC: Is it because of your family? Your position?

Once again, his eyes tell a story that I can’t understand.

Setsuna: We have a train to catch, MC.

(In a way… This feels like the most he’s ever told me.)

I’m achingly desperate to know him.

#shinigami soul agency #genius inc #genius inc otome #otome #otomania #otome game #otome romance #english otome

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