#im so so so tired idk what to do anymore im just sad and exhausted and i need more hobbies bc u can't rely on a hyperfixation and u shouldn'
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#everytime i open this app it looks completely different#anyways heres a lil update rant tired blabbering tags post cause why nottttt#so my health is shit and i have about 300 test to get done and i honestly am so stressed out over this that i cant even function#and u know whats funny about it all is i originally went to the doc to maybe get diagnosed with adhd and i was which duh but thennnn#the funniest thing happened#took the meds and i was actually feeling a lot better and more productive! who knew thats an option but then my dic was like#we should do an ekg just to make sure youre good to take these#so obviously my hr was super high which let to more tests and more experts and haha i cant do this anymore its exhausting#so i cant take my adhd meds and i have an appointment every other day for the next month#oh and btw when i was feeling better for like a week or two i started dating again cause why not! do not have enough going on atm#met this guy been on a few dates but its nothing really i guess right cause i cant get myself to kiss him even tho i want to#cause im so scared of intimacy and so scared of being vulnerable so he's probably gonna ditch soon cause why wouldn't he and#what am i doing trying to date when i have these issues#i just want something good yknow im so tired and i just need like a good cuddle#im gonna be visiting my brother in January after 3 years of not seeing him and the kids but thats obviously stressing me out too#cause covid and planes and big sad but idk we'll see if it wont get cancelled like my last trip did#good rant ty tumblr for not shutting down yet#personal#update i have an autoimmune disease and 300 more tests to do and pills to take#fun to be me
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VENT CW!! STAY SAFE!!
anyone else find it exhausting to just enjoy things?
I don’t want to support people or companies that are actively doing things that are bad (racism, homophobia, defending SA, etc etc). but it’s so mentally draining to look through all of this terrible shit and not be able to enjoy things bc of their creators or ppl associated with it
i mean, i don’t support dream. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again. I don’t support dream or the dteam as a whole - but the dsmp was such a big comfort to me through quarantine, and even now i still love the storyline and the characters.
HP, well that’s self explanatory. JKR is just a shit person and i’m not gonna give her my money bc i enjoy the plot of HP. I just take fanon on its own for the most part. I own the books and the films already (my family loves HP and has for a long time, since before JKR was outed as a transphobe) so i don’t need to buy anything from her. HP was a huge part of my childhood and the thought of not interacting with any content related to it makes me so sad, because i still love it even now.
and as controversial as it may be, i’ve enjoyed hazbin and helluva boss for years now. it was another comfort during quarantine, and i watched it with friends and got to bond over it. i do not like vivziepop or support her, and it’s exhausting to see all this back and forth about her online bc it’s so confusing. I love these shows and it makes me so happy that I get to see hazbin come together after waiting so long, and the same goes for helluva boss. of course there can be improvements to the way vivziepop writes some characters, but i still love these shows so much. it hurts my heart to feel like i can’t enjoy the content because the creator is such a bad person.
and then the number of musicians i’ve had to stop listening to because they turned out to be shitty people. or actors i avoided watching content of because they’re bad people (especially when the list of ppl who support Israel came out- of course im not supporting anyone on there, but some of the ppl on there just rlly hurt my heart because ive enjoyed their content for so long)
i know there’s not really any way to avoid this, as people are complex and can be an asshole w/o you knowing. funding people like this isn’t something i want or care to do, so of course i actively avoid it. but I just don’t know what to do when it comes to this.
a friend told me that it’s sort’ve about picking and choosing things, because you never know what people are really like. they said that with the state of the world, it’s important to stay educated but don’t let shitty people get in the way of things you enjoy. i’m just at the point where i feel like i can’t enjoy anything because anytime i get stuck in a rabbit hole of content, i see people going back and forth about who should be cancelled and who actually isn’t a bad person. cancel culture is one of the worst things about the internet, and it just makes interacting with fandoms even more toxic than it already is.
ig this is just a rant talking about comforts i have that i feel like i can’t enjoy anymore because of cancel culture and just like..people being people? i’m just so tired of finding something i enjoy and then learning out that they are or possibly could be doing/supporting something bad and just— it makes me feel so guilty because i don’t want to indirectly/directly hurt anyone. i know what i believe in and what i do and don’t support, at least for the most part (still learning everyday atp), but it doesn’t make it any easier to part with things i hold so dearly in my heart.
does anyone else feel similarly? if so, what have you found that helps or at least is a comfortable middle ground?
idk bro, my life is so exhausting with everything i deal with in real life- so to feel like i can’t even find comfort in my silly little shows anymore is really depressing. my mental health is not doing well lmfaooo
#vent post#tw vent#cancel culture#bad people?#tw dream mention#tw jkr mention#tw vivziepop mention#content warning#cw vent#hazbin hotel#helluva boss#dsmp#harry potter#fandom discussion#toxic fanbases#idk what to tag lmao#soup speaks#soupy thoughts#soup rants
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Who Else Would Understand
~1,1k words
orangekip (orange cassidy/kip sabian)
set in the belt corruption arc/immortal fears. im mcfucking projecting and what of it. yes i know i should be asleep lemme be sad. everyones anxious and sad. but i guess its like. content ending? idk
@midnightpretenders0 hi i have orangekip to serve to you sorry
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Cassidy stared up at the ceiling, listening to the silence lingering in the bathroom. This was the first time he had time for himself all week, having to constantly appear in events and do stuff for television and then behind the scenes, and so on. Obviously he knew this was part of his job, but after losing his status as the champion a long time ago, Cassidy didn’t really think they would still try to keep him this busy.
On one hand, he didn’t mind it. It kept his mind busy, kept him on track, let him see friends and other people, and it didn’t allow him the time to stop to think about things that were bad for him for too long. It was all nice and dandy to him, honestly.
But then on the other hand, Cassidy was exhausted. Tired. Running around for weeks on end, so much traveling and being around other people also took it’s toll on him.
And most of all, he just felt guilty about not having enough time to spend around Kip anymore.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to spend time with him. Their schedules were constantly clashing now, and every time one of them was free, the other one wasn’t. And when they were both maybe free, one of them didn’t have the energy to spend the free day or the evening or whatever time they had together anymore. Social exhaustion was getting to both of them, especially after having been out of this loop for a long time, both at their own turns, so getting back to the grind was really hard for both of them.
Cassidy sighed, sinking a little deeper into his bath. The water felt nice, it was warm and relaxing, and he honestly just enjoyed looking at the little bubbles, even if his original intention was absolutely to use them to hide his body from view. The last thing he wanted to look at after this week was the new bruises that he had acquired from work, and if some stupid little bubbles were helping with that, then so be it. At least they were adding up to the relaxation.
He closed his eyes, but was soon disturbed as Cassidy could hear the hotel room door opening. He frowned a little, but didn’t bother to do anything about it. They had finally managed to be in the same town together after what felt like weeks, so they had arranged for a shared hotel room. Though Cassidy had to ask himself if it had been a mistake, knowing that he really needed some time alone after this week, he also knew saying no to Kip after all this time was going to be really hard. For both of their sakes.
Cassidy listened as the footsteps walked around the room, followed by what sounded like wheels of a suitcase. It stopped after a while, silence falling back into the room. Cassidy sighed quietly, trying to settle into a comfortable spot in the bath. Kip was aware of his current activity, Cassidy had made sure to inform him beforehand that he needed this time to relax for a bit. He hadn’t exactly said to let him be while he was in here, but Cassidy was hoping the tone of the texts was enough.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to spend time with Kip. But he just really needed some quiet alone time right now.
Almost on cue there was a soft knock on the door, barely audible. Cassidy opened his eyes, staring back at the blank white ceiling, trying not to sound too annoyed. It was really hard, but at the same time he was hoping maybe Kip would just check in on him and let him know he had arrived. He knew Kip didn’t do this on purpose, there was always a reason to his madness, but Cassidy was just really, really tired.
“Yeah.”
The door opened, Cassidy asking himself why he left it unlocked in the first place as a familiar face peeked inside, Kip sending him a little sheepish smile from the doorway. Almost on cue Cassidy perked up a little as his eyes landed on the other man, even in the terrible fluorescent lighting of the bathroom he could see from his face that something was not alright.
“No, no, don’t get up, it’s fine.”
Kip knew this reaction too well by now, trying to mask his exhausted, anxious look behind a smile. He knew he failed immediately as Cassidy just grew more and more concerned looking the longer he observed Kip’s face. “I promise you, it’s fine. Please, don’t get up. I just wanted to let you know I’m here.”
Cassidy looked at him, expecting Kip to just leave the doorway at that point with those words, but he stood by, fidgeting with the door handle instead. He obviously didn’t want to talk about it, as messed up as he looked, but he also clearly had woken up the worry in Cassidy enough that he just wasn’t going to let it go that easily. However, Cassidy also knew how hard it was to get Kip to talk at times, and this one was very much looking like he wasn’t going to get a peep out of him either.
“…Come here.”
Kip glanced towards him, a somewhat questioning look on his face. He had fully expected Cassidy to tell him to leave, that they would talk later. Instead he watched as the blond sat up in the tub, hand lifting up from the water and bubbles, motioning him closer. With a bit of hesitance in his step, Kip obliged, walking up to him. Cassidy motioned towards the floor, Kip following instructions to take a seat on it.
Trying not to get his clothes too wet, Cassidy carefully pulled Kip closer, resting his head against his shoulder. Kip didn’t resist, but Cassidy could feel him being tense about the whole situation. Leaning his head against Kip’s, he sighed quietly. This wasn’t how he had intended this night to go, but the distress was so obvious he couldn’t ignore it. Hell, he didn’t want to ignore it. Be as exhausted as he was, there was one person that came up in priority before himself, and that was the man now sitting on the bathroom floor next to him.
“I—”
“You don’t have to say anything,” Cassidy cut him off, feeling Kip tensing up again at his words. “You don’t have to explain. It’s okay.”
He could feel Kip trembling a bit. Not that he was hiding it, but the audible sniffle was definitely a giveaway. Cassidy lifted up a hand, running it through Kip’s hair and stopping to play with the overgrown coils behind his head as the sobs coming from him were more and more difficult to hide with each one.
“It’s okay.”
#setting: belt corruption arc#character: orange cassidy#character: kip sabian#ship: orangekip#fic#its more than a thousand words so its not a drabble idk#aew fanfiction#wrestling fanfiction
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im really just watching my body mind and soul decay in real time huh. i hate the drugs im on rn I hate them I hate them im going actually crazy rn I started sobbing bc I was like I have no food but I just spent 200 on groceries yesterday so idk how that even makes sense like wdym. And it’s easy to make. Im like bouncing off the walls but moving is like exhausting and my job is lots of moving so I reached my limit and I can’t work out to get rid of it bc if I go up the stairs too fast I wheeze and like am in pain and idk what to do honestly I was like let’s sing and play uke or guitar and that hurts let’s do this I can’t. I’m so tired of watching tv. It’s like day 23 of this and I’m terrible and sad and like am not functioning and Ik I’m not but I’m doing enough at least at my job but nowhere else and like that’s at least a W but that’s my one W. Like hahahahaa I’ve taken so many Ls I’ve fucked so much up already and also have not and nothing actually makes sense anymore it’s like that funny feeling like Ik these meds are making me better but they’re making me so much worse at the same time I just want to sleep I want to cook and eat and like work was everything and I don’t have much this week and I can’t relax and I’m like haha what if I’m actually dying tho!!!! What if I’m dying like. This isn’t normal for me and idk if it’s worse in my head bc I’m crazy or if like I’m actually declining or if this is gonna mutate into something worse again and I’ll just never get better idk. Maybe my immune system is forever fucked. Idk how ppl who go thru so much worse get thru. Like idk if my life is actually ending ig it’s yolo balls to the walls idk like did I even ever live. A kid asked me about my bucket list today and it’s like oh id like to travel and luckily they had a lot they wanted to do so I didn’t have to talk bc I don’t know. So why don’t I actually do it instead of waiting to die idk :) but idk I want to hold hands in front of a Christmas tree I want to shop for gifts for our families with my friends I want to celebrate something I want to be free I want to meet the friends I still haven’t seen irl i want to dance at a club again I want to learn guitar better and ukulele. I want to see myself grow into someone I can love and I’m so scared I’ll never get there rn I’m so dramatic but it feels so real and lonely I’m tired of going to the doctor and finding new things wrong. Limerence sounds like such a pretty word and it’s not a pretty feeling and it’s like so familiar and painful and it makes me feel so evil and cruel and I just want to be better and not sick inside and out
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TW SUI IDEATION
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We all die in the end ,so why wait for the inevitable ? I hate myself so much ,feel so sad n empty ,i just want to die ,im tired and exhausted. Tired of this life. Every time i look in the mirror i see someone ugly. I wish things couldve turned out differently ,but 26 years of my life is a bit much. Why do i keep living when my mind just wants to die ? I know what i must do ,but im in constant doubts at this moment.. should i ,shouldn't i ? Im scared of death but ,at the same time ,i just want this all to end ,no matter how much i try.. you may think im giving up or a coward ,but so what ? Call me selfish ,idgaf anymore ,im too sad ,depressed ,and yet ,i walk outside pretending that everythings fine when in actuality ,theyre not. I dont always understand everything. Who cares. Whatever. It's like i feel completely indifferent while writing all of this... i know im sad.. but idk ,kinda feels like im not even here.. all i can think of is seeing my blood.. seeing myself in hospital ,dying.. im not right at all.. who i am i anyways ,pathetic ,maybe she's right after all :(
#actually autistic#actuallyautistic#pddnos#mental health#communication#asd#sadnees#su1c1dal#i suck#suicidal#tw sui ideation#su1c1d4l#su1c1d3#s3lf hate#suislide#tw depressing stuff#tw depressive#tw sui vent#tw su1c1d3#tw su1cide
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idk how to really start this but like. my mental state is just so exhausting like im so tired of it. theres no reason i should be this volatile theres no reason i should react to situations the way i do. just last night i had a weird (not even that bad) interaction with a stranger and it pissed me off so much i tried to kill myself. i wasn't sad or embarrassed i was just so furious over it, because it was a 10 second interaction and i couldn't explain myself to the other person, and i was just so fucking angry i was ready to physically hurt the other person over it well after i walked away. and then once i got home i was so upset that i got that unreasonably angry over a nothing interaction. and its not like i even got angry while i was still with the other person! it wasnt until after i walked away! there were only two thoughts circling in my mind for about 30-60 minutes after (idk im so bad at keeping track of time) that were just "why do i react to things like this" and "i just want it to stop hurting" bc thats the worst of it it just hurts so much. i swear im in physical pain after having breakdowns like that i feel hollow in my chest and obviously i dont have to say anything else about how much it emotionally hurts. i just want it to stop hurting. is that really too much to ask for? to not be in so much pain for just a little while? i guess i still havent come to terms with the fact that im disabled, because i still think of being disabled as someone who uses aids, even though i know invisible disabilities are a thing. i dont see other peoples invisible disabilities as being invalid, just really my own, because i still feel like im high enough functioning that i shouldnt consider myself disabled. i dont use mobility aids yet i dont take pain medication yet so therefore the literal brain damage i have isnt bad enough, im still fine. i kind of got off track but thats also part of it i guess. another thing that really gets me is the fact that i actually do have bpd, i was diagnosed by an actual doctor at 17 and its still a more than valid diagnosis. i feel like im in this constant cycle of "i have to get better because i cant keep living like this" and "i have to get worse so everyone else can see what theyve done to me". like last night i literally had to sit down and reread the dsm chapter on bpd to remind myself this is why youre like this. you do have this diagnosis its real and it is a problem. my 30 minute episodes of actively trying to kill myself to be followed by watching tv or something and laughing as if none of that happened. i still cant fathom not living like this, not having to go through this every fucking day. and then on the other hand i had a great interaction today at my job that made me feel really good about what i do and proving the work that i do is actually helping the community around me. and i felt on top of the world for like an hour, i felt great! and then another thing at work happened where i proved myself/my team to be right about something! which was also great! and i got another half hour of happiness. and then i get home and im reminded of how alone i am, how i really have no one to do or share anything with anymore. which is partially my fault and partially not! im not gonna act like im the most pleasant person to be around or that im easy to deal with, but fuck, man, i try. and it always feels like no one else is trying. i cut my own hair for the first time a few weeks ago; it came out great! and had no one to tell about it.
and now im just staring at a wall over all of it. none of the bad stuff happened none of the good stuff happened. im gonna get violently angry later and im gonna be nearly euphoric later, its just another day. and i want to change i want to change my lifestyle so bad but how can i do that without any help. i spent years of my life begging for other people to help me and got ignored, which resulted in my disability. i tried so hard to fix it on my own but i couldnt! im not a doctor! and now ill never be because i couldnt finish my pre-med classes because of my disability! i feel like im constantly screaming at the top of my lungs and waving red flags shouting please for the love of god someone help me every day and every day nothing changes. they say you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped, but has anyone actually tried helping people before? youre telling me you cant problem solve? you cant find a different road to a solution, just because we cant take the easiest one? im sorry that its not easy for everyone else to help me, but how does anyone else think i feel?
but whatever. im fine now. i relived every emotion i went through while writing all that but im fine now. now that its all out there its all out there, out of my system. i dont care anymore. because it didnt matter. because it doesnt matter. none of it matters. it happened and its gonna happen again. ill go through these cycles again tomorrow and the next day and the next week and the next month and the next year and so on. it is what it is i guess. but does it really have to be.
#talking to myself#content warning for like. borderline personality disorder. i guess.#this is just a wall of text bc i wont go back to therapy no one feel obligated to open or read this
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Morning baby 💗 💌
I hope you slept well? :) I have my training in 20 min , but I really want to write to you 💗❤️🩹❤️
First of all you haven’t offered me in any ways, I’m sorry that you felt that way or maybe the way I wrote was quite triggering 🥹 but you are fine , MORE THAN FINE ACTUALLY. I just read your response and literally im so happy if I actually received a real hug from u🌞🙈💖
Thank you for your understanding and efforts and just the love you put in your messages, it is really really precious to me 🥹❤️
I actually wish I could train myself to control these feelings and the need of affirmation from others. Life really doesn’t make sense for me anymore. I want to give up , but these 2 months I feel like I grew stronger and there is still something holding me back , maybe I’m afraid of dying idk . ., but im tired of living you know ? It’s so exhausting and pointless
thank you for being my safe place now , being the person I can trust and open up , I don’t want to change for the worse … and tbh I just exist doing tasks on a daily basis , thank you for being open and accepting… literally 😭🥹🥹 AHHH OMG I FEEL MY EYES GEETING WATERY NOOO🙈🙈🤧
You are very good person , amazing and I hope you will have SOOOO MANY GOOD EXPERIENCES:) also I hope my emotions and things I share aren’t influencing your day / mood 🥺🥺🥺🥺
I’ll add bebe songs to our playlists :)) I love first 2 , I’m not sure if I have heard 3rd one
About book yes def :) ahowww me when u get them :))
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH 🥺❤️
What are your plans for today ? Have the most wonderful day 🏞🏞🏞
~ 🐁 :)
My 🐁 anonie ~☺️💗 noooo omg I’m not even offended in the slightest so dw!!! Your emotions and rants really DO NOT affect my mood at all. Yk the reason I chose my occupation and major of medicine? It’s bc I always wanted to grow up to be kind and help people around me. I feel valid about myself when I can make others feel comforted and smile so I LOVE getting your messages and lifting u up!💖 and about being exhausted and feeling like giving up on life, I mean don’t even think it’s coming from someone really positive minded and full of happiness, but it’s coming from someone who comes from a place of being suicidal and hopeless in life too. There was once a point in my life where I just existed, cried myself to sleep everyday, and would indulge in self harm cause I hated myself and hated life. I didn’t want to live cause I felt like nothing good could come out of it. Back then, if someone told me that things are gonna get better one day and I’ll be really happy in the future, I would’ve never believed them. Heck, I’d feel like they’re all lying cz my life was so messed up I didn’t even believe I could wake up to a tomorrow where I could be at peace or smile even if it’s for a second. But after constant fighting and hanging on for 2-3 years, I came where I did today. Where I’m happy, smiling, ambitious again and thankful for all the bad things that I went through bc they made me stronger and brought me to where I am today. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” That’s the truth. I’m sure you will see your rainbow soon just hang in there. By saying hanging in there I mean cry, feel sad, fall down, get tired, doubt yourself but crawl back up again with the remaining of your strength. And never feel like there’s no hope cause there will ALWAYS be hope no matter how ugly situation you’re faced with. Maybe not now, maybe not soon, but someday you will DEFINITELY be happy and look back and be grateful for enduring it all. 💓
And aww 🥺 idk if I’m a good person yet but I try to be and improve myself everyday. Baby steps towards my dream person slowly!💖 and I’m glad I can make you feel safe. There’s nth more reassuring than having someone who listens to everything you gotta say without judging you and understanding you, ik. As for what I’m gonna do today, aaah idk yet. 😩 probs gonna just lie down and eat a lot. Bc my books haven’t arrived yet and and I bought a new makeup palette a few days ago?🤣 I just wanna try it out even tho I’m not that much into makeup. I barely wear it! And IM EXCITED BC MY SKZ ALBUM IS OTW and I wanna order manifesto:day 1 enhypen albums!! I saved money for that 🥹 but the kpop store isn’t replying to my msgs yet and I’m so impatient.🥲 I love youuuu saurr much too (says it in jakey’s aussie accent) and have a great day❤️🥰 DID YOU KNOW BEBE REXHA DID A REMIX W ITZY??????!! THAT TOO OF ONE OF MY FAV SONGS OF HERS ITS GONNA BE RELEASED TMRW IM SHAKING IM SO EXCITEDD!!!😭😭😭😭I’m in a really good mood today bc my jakey is all recovered from covid! Man, I prayed for my love so so much and I couldn’t be more grateful to god that he’s healthy and active again!💗💗🤲🏻
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i really feel like i reach a new low every year. i feel like killing myself so bad. everything isnt even that horrible in life i just cant stop the intense depression i feel dragging me down constantly. everyone's always like "leave your baggage at home" when you work and i literally cant, its all over my face and when i try to smile it just looks so pained. i really dont know what would help right now. i feel so alone constantly its so painful. when i get to low i go to the hospital sometimes but i just cant afford doing that anymore i feel like im wasting everybody's time and money even though its on my own insurance now. i cant stop beating myself up in my head and wanting to self harm so bad. i want to stay clean i dont want to keep hurting myself im trying to do everything but that its just so hard to find anything else that distracts from the pain. ive taken a break smoking weed cause in combination with me wearing a binder everyday its become harder to breathe especially at night. another cope gone. i feel so empty and hollow and like a corpse being dragged around. everyones worried for me and idk what to do to soothe them i just. cant. i know i shouldnt kill myself over stupid shit and these feelings especially when i get depressive episodes often its just so tiring. i sit and think about it everyday, how it wouldnt be worth it to leave all of this behind and never experience true freedom and happiness, to leave behind the love of my life and traumatize him forever along with my family. i wish it was easier. it never gets easier going through these episodes. ive accepted with my borderline i will always experience constant sadness because thats just become my default state even when everything is fine and i know itll be like that even if i reach a stable and comfortable place. i just hope i can keep fighting this pain because it is so, so exhausting. everyday i feel so close to giving up, to picking up my razors and slitting my throat, to reaching 21 in may so i can buy myself a big bottle of wine and down a bunch of sleeping pills and my meds, of finding a place where no one will find me for a while so no one close to me has to experience the trauma of seeing my dead body. idk. i dont want to feel alone in my head anymore. its so hard to go to work during these times. i work part time too so i feel extra pathetic if i cant go to work. my last shift i couldnt stop sobbing so i went home and i know they wont keep putting up with that. idk. i wish i didnt feel so alone.
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i don’t feel like living anymore it has gotten back to that point. without my grandpa breathing earths air and walking the same ground i walk on seems pointless to me. he has always been there person i said i would kill myself over if he died and now he is old and doing bad. i have so much negativity in my life and no matter what i do it seems like something else always comes crashing down on me. i’m never truly happy anymore i always just have a pit of sadness in my body. i’m always so tired i’m always so hungry i’m always so thirsty. i don’t want to take care of myself. i don’t want to have to live when something is always bad. i want one solid week, 7 continuous days of peace and happiness. that is all i ask for. i want to enjoy waking up and enjoy living my life. i’ve lost majority of my friends im doing bad in school i compare myself to everyone. idk how to be happy. idk how to not be negative or rude. idk how to be happy because i am never happy anymore. i’m not a good person. i’m not an enjoyable person. i’m not the prettiest. i am not that funny. shit idek how to deal with my own problems. i’m basically a fucking toddler with no capabilities of living on their own and providing for themselves. i hate that other people has to help me. i hate how exhausting it is to be around me. i hate that im not happy like other people. i am truly jealous of the people that can do things on their own and be happy in life. my life is going to shit and i don’t wanna be here when it finally gets there. i don’t want to live anymore.
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Well fell in love with a girl, but my overthinking had other plans, the feelings of loving again was true bliss and being loved was absolutely an amazing feelings it’s been so long that it felt so new to me like it was the first time all over again, why am I like this, why am I the way I am, why am I scared, why can’t I just let go, am I really about to lose the person I love due to my own insecurities and flaws because I let them get in the way, what do I do, should I just watch her leave me in darkness so she can move on to be happier, should I grab her by the hand and try and make her understand, I don’t want to put that stress on anyone, I wouldn’t wish my issues upon someone else to deal with, but I’m tired of carrying other problems, im tired, im exhausted I can only so much anymore before I just give up and become heartless idk what im even saying at this point im just blabbering away as I watch the one I love slip away out of arms reach, I can’t cry anymore, I’ve tried I physically can not cry but the pain in my chest is so great that it makes it hard to breathe, it makes me want to cry but I just can’t I feel the chest pain of heart break and anxiety as depression creeps, am I going to go back down that dark path of depression filled days, no laughter or happiness just me walking around aimlessly through this thing called life as I just wish to find the one to call my home. Diana I love you for all that it’s worth I’m sorry I put my issues on you and stress you out and push you to your point but if only you could understand my past then you’d understand why’ I am the way I am, sadness is all I feel as this heartbreak settles and sets in I lay here sinking into my bed in silence wishing to be heard by her the love of my my one and only true partner in crime. Please don’t go I beg of you l, you are my last hope for true love I can’t do this again
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*PLEASE IGNORE whats written below i just wanted to rant*
*I mean it please ignore i couldn't write all this on notes app hence rambled it all here, it wont make sense ignore*
my closest relationships are getting weird and fucked up rn. i cant explain. some not getting along with each other. some not getting along with me. something is my fault but its apparently not clear what is but im supposed to be apologetic and make it better because ive maybe done something to make them get weird vibes and emotionally distant from me and it sucks so much because idk man idk whats going on. this has been going on for more than a month its such a negative and exhausting episode. i know time will make it all better i have submitted my faith in the process now because im just done at this point. i dont have much energy left in me to deal with this many feelings and thoughts and fuck ups at once. i cant even say it all out loud irl because it'll feel like im victimizing myself or invalidating their concerns and their drained energy or overreacting or being dramatic or whatever. I just feel extremely misunderstood. Everybody is at fault, everybody is irritated and everybody is disappointed in each other in one way or the other here so there's no black and white here. But at this point idek if im wrong or right for feeling this way. I just want this episode to be over as soon as possible and over for once and all.
I AM JUST DONE. I CAN'T ANYMORE. I cant process anything anymore i cant tolerate all this dark weird aura im getting from everyone anymore (the irony is they seem to get it from me so uk its a loop)
I love these people. I just want everyone and everything to be okay and warm between us all. I am really putting my trust in time. I am tired. I want to talk it all out, let all my feelings and opinions and anger and disappointment and apologies and tears and everything out, to someone who'll get me. But at the risk of sounding cliche, no one will get me rn. Everybody will have a taunt to give, a comment to pass, subtly invalidating why im feeling this. I have no one to go to rn and its sad. Matlab i do have more friends but i cant talk about all this to anyone which makes it more frustrating.
*if by any chance you read it all out of curiosity, erase this from your memory, you didnt even see it okay?*
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I was kinda planning to resub to xiv in August since the rising event will be up then and its the anniversary so there might be some neat stuff going on. But now I just dont even know if there's really any point to me coming back at all anymore. I still love the game I really do, the story the characters my ocs the world and music. But its been months and I still dont feel any better. If anything I feel even worse cuz the realization of just how lonely I really am has set in and just the thought of coming back to a game where being social is a huge part of its core enjoyment just leads me to believe it'll only make that loneliness feel worse. I made my own solo fc before I left so I could avoid being a parasite on anyone else again, so like sure maybe I'm self isolating but when you have the fear people you care about hate you and those fears are proven right in the end it just feels safer to avoid it altogether. I dont want to keep asking for people's help in a game when they never need mine in return either. And joining pf is exhausting sometimes for someone like me who has performance anxiety in fights. I know there's plenty of content for me to do with story and stuff but even then thats all something i can finish in a week and then its just bumbling around with my sub until it runs out. It's just such a weird experience to love something so much, to have had it be the best thing that could've happened to you, to end up being something that probably was the worst thing to happen to you. I wish I could love it again. I wish I didnt feel this low. And I know my depression has been the worst its ever been so my joy for anything lately has been essentially snuffed out but I dont think xiv will help that now so idk what to really do tbh. Im just tired of being sad but dont know how to be positive and can't seem to find anything that can replace the good feelings this game gave me. So idk it was good while it lasted I guess. I suppose we'll see how i feel about it in another month and if the anniversary stuff will really make it worth it for me to return
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Pheromone Deficiency Report
What I Liked
has everything that one could want from a dogblood plot: shitty families, contract marriage, lies, vehicle accident leading to memory loss, wife-chasing---it's so nice, like a checklist getting fulfilled one at a time
gu jinyi is rly super pitiful 💀💀💀 like damn the guy is v mentally strong for what he's gone through. his family is shit enough to not care abt him n even wanted to sell him as a wife to a middle-aged man known to abuse his bed partners, he had a hereditary genetic disease that weakened his body so much that he had to resign from the military dept at school, fell into a love so passionate at his weakest point but then his partner left him, then he waited for said partner which lowered his chance for survival when undergoing the surgery, then when he got married it wasn't even for love but for his own protection, then his marriage partner died and he had to fend off for himself and his partner's child, then got picked up in a contract marriage orchestrated by the partner who left him and had wanted him back. like. he went through so much shit. and he was so so tired but he still tried his best.
tbh i was rly sad hearing him talk abt his past w "fu chen". how he loved him so much that all he wanted was to spend the rest of his ordinary days with him in a peaceful life. how he knew fu chen was going to leave him behind and yet he still waited for him. how he wanted to see fu chen before he went for surgery but the one he waited for never came. how this left such a large shadow over him that he thought he couldn't ever love anymore, because it would be unfair for his partner that he was so hung up over the lover who abandoned him, that he had exhausted all his love all those years ago. how he compared himself to a domesticated animal who could leave his home for good but would probably never belong to another for the rest of his life. the whole thing just broke my heart god authornim gu jinyi is so pitiful
xie huaizhou/"fu chen" deserves it all lmao serves him right to get pheromone deficiency disorder and to have missed gu jinyi all those years. like he wasn't the worst gong considering his circumstances and how gentle he was after the contract marriage but also?? shit??? idk i just thought gu jinyi's life is just way too sad.
i had emotional whiplash from "hnnnghgh xie huaizhou is so gentle and sweet towards gu jinyi, gu jinyi pls fall in love" to "holy shit i knew u were fu chen but hell!!!! do some wife-chasing!!!!! gu jinyi my poor sweet shou!!!!!!"
the side ship of albert/taotao was so bittersweet too. im glad they got their own happy ending bc they v v deserve it
i was very willingly emotionally manipulated by this dogblood novel and i loved every second of it
What I Disliked
not enough mention of the kid tbh i thought he would have a bigger role other than this poor little guy who kept getting dragged around cluelessly
not quite dislike but. ngl i wanted xie huaizhou to grovel more
Notes
songzicha novels r good bc theyre bitesized
i was actually reading transmigrated into the violent boss's little mermaid but the tl wasn't finished then i was craving omegaverse lmao
some plot points kind of reminded me of the missing piece but i feel like it's more of an aspect of the dogblood tropes they were going with
read fully via mtl w minor edits
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i am very sad
idk im just very sad i miss being skinny I feel so gross nowadays I can’t look at myself for too long I don’t have fun looking cute anymore I’m dreading summer because I want to cover up I don’t want anyone to look at me I feel disgusting I hate it here. I want to look and feel pretty but nothing fits right anymore and I feel so sad shopping for myself because my body isn’t the same and I’m so ugly now I hate it. I just keep looking at other people and seeing how much I don’t look pretty like other girls I’m not skinny anymore but I’m not thick in a curvy way I’m literally a fucking brick im going to throw up. and im so lonely I want someone to check in on me and ask what’s wrong but I’m so tired I can’t muster up any energy to talk to anyone I’m so tired but I’m so lonely and I don’t know how to fix it and I’m exhausted from school we’re barely halfway through and I’m so tired it’s happening again it always happens and I’m trying to keep up but I’m exhausted and u don’t know what to do
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wow.
so i’ve been in college for about a month now. things are not looking up lol.
i really have tried to make friends but i’m such an introvert and so painfully anxious and self aware that i can’t bring myself to say hi to people because i think that they’ll think i’m weird. i feel so alone and i can’t tell if it’s because i’m isolating myself or i’m just that unlikeable. it’s hard to believe that i’m not the problem but everything that i do is for other people. why don’t they like me? i’m constantly doing things for them so why don’t i get anything in return? it’s exhausting but i just keep trying and trying.
my family is disappointed that i am not making friends. my roommates are constantly judging me from afar. my best friends are ranting to me from different states. my classmates are ignoring my very existence. i am so lonely. i don’t like it here.
i go home every single weekend and i spend most of my time sleeping. i feel so trapped at home but i feel so lonely at school and i just don’t know which one is worse. it’s so hard. i just want it to get better. i don’t talk to anyone and i feel so guilty about it but no one wants to be my friend. why doesn’t anyone want to be my friend? why am i so alone? what am i doing that makes people not want to be my friend? i’m so nice and i’m so selfless and i’m so open and i’m so caring. what am i doing wrong? i can’t romanticize it anymore i’m too tired. i’m too damn tired.
here are the things that have been happening lately.
my dog died. so that’s amazing. great start to my school year.
this kid ran into me with his bike. when i had a broken ankle. super embarrassing.
my roommates keep making plans without me and they made plans with the boys across the hall but failed to invite me.
bella keeps texting me and talking about her situation which is just some petty high school drama. like wtf read the room. and every time she texts me to complain she goes “i know i shouldn’t be saying this to you lol because i know how things are for you right now”. then don’t say them to me. idk if i was in better mental health i don’t think i’d be so annoyed about it but i already have my own shit to deal with and dealing with hers too is just so exhausting. and i haven’t even told her the worst of it because im fucking embarrassed about how good everyone is doing compared to me. i’m so embarrassed. i’m the only person who knows about most of what’s happening in my life right now.
bella had this situation with her roommate basically where her roommate got high and just said “i’m so jealous of you bella everyone loves you you’re the funniest prettiest nicest person in our class you’re so conventionally attractive” and i know that’s not exactly a compliment but really? and on the phone the other day and she had the audacity to say “so who do you think had the worst roommate now?” and like, i still think it’s me???? like what the actual fuck is wrong with you bella? oh no your roommate thinks you’re perfect that sounds so awful!! at least she fucking likes you and speaks to you and includes you i things!! like not that it’s a competition but just read the fucking room bro.
isaac got a girlfriend at his college and i’m really happy for him. we don’t talk a lot anymore but he seems to be doing well.
spencer is already getting bitches at school and he seems to be having fun lol. they look to be way prettier and smarter and kinder and gentler and skinnier and more delicate than me.
jason is making friends with his roommate and he hangs out with bella often.
connor is also having fun but he’s not a fan of his roommates. his roommates don’t know that though. he has other friends though.
will got a job and he’s doing well. but o feel like he’s drifting away and i’m scared. we used to text a lot more and he seems to be getting closer with out high school friends which makes me sad. i miss him.
there’s still that group chat that my friends left me out of (with our high school friends, bella, and jason) and it makes me so so incredibly sad. i just feel so unwanted and left out and i feel like i’m missing so much. and my friends act so interested in me when we hang out in real life but that group chat makes me feel like they don’t like me. sometimes they’ll post screenshots on their private instas and twitters of the chat and they have so many inside jokes it just makes me feel like an outsider when i was one of the originals in the friend group. the group started out as me and bella, then jason joined, then will joined, then jason brought in the high school friends and bella brought in spencer and connor. idk. i just feel like i’m drifting away from them because they’re making so many memories together in the groupchat and i’m just hoping that maybe they’ll add me to it one day.
this sounds dramatic but i really do feel like they wouldn’t notice if i disappeared. literally only bella would and that would be because she wouldn’t have someone to rant to anymore. but i feel like that’s it. and i’m not gonna disappear like it’s not something that anyone reading this should worry about. it’s just something i’ve been thinking about. no one really cares about me anymore.
we’re planning a trip with the group. it was originally supposed to be all of us, event eh hugh schoolers, but the high schoolers can’t go. so it’s me, bella, jason, will, connor, and our friend from texas. spencer is still waiting for his parents to say yes.
but we’re trying to go to a cabin for a new year’s eve party during winter break. it just sucks because i’ve made multiple spread sheets with info on cabins and pro con sheets and the only person who has glanced at it is bella. and she didn’t even read it she just looked at the pictures. and i have to book the cabin too and basically i’m just the one doing all the work for this trip. it just kinda sucks that they know that i will do it so they won’t even try to help.
but at least it’s something to look forward to this year. even if they don’t want to be there for me. it’ll be nice to be around people i know for a few days even if they don’t feel like being with me. i’ll just stay out of the way and cook and clean and plan while they drink and dance and laugh. it’s good enough for me if i get to see them be happy in person. that’ll make me happy for a moment at least. a moment is all i need to keep going.
that’s life lately. it sucks but what are you gonna do lol. i’m kinda stuck here. still want to transfer but it’s looking less and less possible. i’m gonna talk to my mom about it soon if things get worse. we’ll see. i definitely don’t think i’ll be able to transfer until the end of the year, it won’t be a next semester thing.
but that’s it. hopefully my next update will be better. sorry to be depressing.
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ignore this pls. just need a place to get my feelings out.
mental health tw, suicide tw, suicidal thoughts tw, self harm thoughts and tendencies tw
its sad that i dont even know what to type. im just going fucking insane. i haven't felt this crazy since I tried to kill myself when I was fucking 15. like i feel like a fucking nutjob right now and it won't stop. i have no one to talk to, even if my "friends" say they are there for me, I know they tired of my bs. the last time I tried talking to my friend she fucking left me on read cause shes so tired of my bullshit. i'm so fucking tired of my bullshit. i can never get out of my goddamn head. and everyone thinks im fucking okay cause I act like the fucking class clown at work and make everyone laugh. when I want to just kill myself atp. i havent self harmed myself since I was 15 either but some people disagree on this fact. I have a problem with digging holes in my skin and my therapist definitely thinks its that or an anxiety tick. I only get one day off of work a week and my therapist was all booked up for that day two weeks ago so I havent seen her. cause its like my responsibility to actually make an appointment but like me trying to help myself??? lmao. nice one. basically all this shit was triggered by my fucking hypochondriac tendencies. i had a uti like 2 weeks ago and I don't think the antibiotics they put me on got rid of it completely so I went back and got another urine test done which of course, like I expected came up positive but it also said I had ketones in my urine which of course, having access to a cellphone with a data plan, i immediately googled what that meant. now im like 1000000% positive I have diabetes, even though the doctor said its unlikely. I made an appointment to get my blood drawn to find out for sure but as I previously said, I only get one fucking day off and now I have to sit and wait till next fucking Thursday to find out if I have it or not. I don't know how I'm gonna make it that long. Im already going so fucking crazy I don't know what to do. the doctors office said they won't take blood without an office visit first (money hungry much??) so I can't just go in and ask to get my blood done. And I can't go to the hospital because I don't even know what I'd say to go there and have my blood drawn. nothing really makes me smile anymore. what am I gonna do if i do have it??? what am i gonna do if i don't???? i need answers to my fucking questions and no one will give me any. im fucking nauseous, im shaking, i just wanna sleep 24/7 so i don't have to fucking deal with this anymore. Since i was off today, I slept the whole day. I would wake up for a couple minutes, realize that I did not fucking want to be awake and I went back to sleep. Eventually I was waking up every like 30 minutes cause I wasn't tired but idc, i wanted to be asleep. and now I have to go to work at 4AM and be the happy cheerful person I'm supposed to be so that everyone has a good day. Since I'm the boss, I can't be fucking sad or depressed. I'm so sick and tired of being crazy. Like im fucking exhausted from all this shit. Everything, everyday is becoming so much and I don't know how to handle it anymore. I'm on the highest dose of my antidepressants and an extra anxiety med, and Im like still like this???? why is my brain a piece of shit????? why am I a piece of shit??? like i derive all my happiness from other things and those things end and idk what to do. like BTS going on hiatus???? lol kms. Stray Kids are in America rn and I can't afford to go cause life??? I'm teaching myself a bunch of different languages and It's literally so pointless cause I have no friends and no one to talk to so like who am I speaking to in Korean??? myself. One part of my brain speaks Korean or whatever language and I respond in English. Our conversations are truly riveting. I would put the eyeroll emoji here but its only in my recently used on my phone and I'm posting this on my laptop and I'm too fucking lazy to go and find it. KinnPorsche ends in like a week and a day???? fuck bro. The only thing I have is Doctor Who. That show is my rock. Anyway this is just dumb.
#ignore this#i needed to rant somewhere#just let it out#ramble and cry#i needed to let my brain rest#and typing it helped like a teeny tiny bit#ill probably delete when my brain gets its shit together#how does someone give so much of a fuck about everything and yet so little at the same time#oof#self harm /#suicide /#mental health /#suicide mention /#self harm mention /
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