#ill take am i the worlds most autistic person or do i need more therapy for 500 alex

[lousiee]

my regression is doing adult tasks and watching the boondocks bc ive never had childhood experiences

#small time is a fucking mess #sewing/listening to podcasts and budgeting too because that used 2 be some of my fav things to do #and ... organizing lists #oh god or pinterest mom crafts #doing that the most ngl #ill take am i the worlds most autistic person or do i need more therapy for 500 alex #tobyspeaks #princeposting #collective talks #age regressor #agere

[reanimatedheart]

AHHH this is my first time asking something on here so am nervous sorry~

I’d love to know how our romancable companions would react to hyper expressive auDHD MC? You know, theatrical kind of manner, not really much of a filter in terms of what’s proper to ask or say, lots of stimming and incoherent noises. Very energetic but can get quiet and dissociate easily. (Totally not asking to self-insert better before working on fanarts haaaa haaa haaa)~

Also I need you to know how much I ADORE this game. The lore, the world-building, the characters and the choices that actually MATTER. THE WRITING! THE SOUNDTRACK AND THE ART AUUUUGH!!! It’s so good, it’s officially my newest hyperfixation. Thank you for making this piece of art, I’m buzzing and can’t wait for moooore! And the gnome scene really was hilarious, I was choking on air and saliva, xoxo

Thank you for the nice compliments! I'm so happy you like it. :D

This is an interesting question. I try to avoid specificity with the MC because I want people to be able to immerse themselves in them as much as possible, but I do have a lot of thoughts about this scenario.

Black would honestly find it refreshing. I don't think he's accepted it himself (he doesn't believe in therapy LOL), but I'm pretty sure he's autistic. Esp if the MC is very blunt or makes their thoughts and boundaries very clear. Black is the type of person that misses a lot of social cues, and people make fun of him for it. He takes things people say very seriously. If the MC just tells him their thoughts, he'll remember them and act accordingly. And I think this would make the MC feel safe too, because they would feel like he's not playing games with them.

This scenario is interesting with Crux in particular. They aren't in the game yet, but actually, his bio dad and favorite little sister are like this, and he would be able to tell immediately. He won't make a big deal out of it, but he'll be adjusting around the MC. Take them to quieter places, make sure their seat is comfortable, etc. The MC will just find this out that oh, he's always playing obnoxiously loud music in the car and smoking, but he never does it around them.

I also think in a weird way, he'd be way more honest around the MC, but he won't let them know he is. Like Crux is the type of person that keeps his real feelings and thoughts close to his sleeve, because he has a whole complex about being "weird" in ways he can't control, so it's made him a bit of a liar. But if it's the MC, he'd just say his real feelings, because he suspects they won't judge him for it.

Vincenzo is complicated because he is very mentally ill and neurodivergent, but for most of his life, he was in an All Boy's Catholic Boarding School. He was bullied for being weak, weird, effeminate, etc. If he notices these traits in MC, he'll degrade them for it, and in a fucked up way, see this humiliation ritual as actually beneficial to MC, because it would teach the MC not to show strangers their neck.

But I feel like, if the MC gets closer to him, that he'd be able to face aspects of himself that he's tried to suffocate for years, and it would be liberating to him.

#asks #black lumaban #vincenzo maria fontana #crux hertz

[stagefoureddiediaz]

In the UK it’s time to talk day.

The purpose of time to talk day is to help start and encourage conversations about and around mental health, reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness.

Mental illness is not the same as mental health. We should view them in the same way that physical illness is not the same as physical health. We can go through periods of both and some will have mental illness their entire lives in the same way someone will have a physical disability their entire life.

As someone who is Neurodiverse (both ASD and ADHD) and has long term mental illness I want to take the opportunity to share a small portion of my ownstory and ask you to think about your own, and that of those around you. (Trigger Warning - I do talk about suicide attempts)

Be compassionate, be curious, but don’t assume you know or understand their own individual mental illness journey. In the same way that if you’ve met a person with autism, you’ve met exactly one person with autism, if you’ve met someone with a mental health condition, you’ve met exactly one person with a mental health condition. Don’t judge and be prepared to learn.

I am a late diagnosed autist and ADHDer, and I’m pretty confident that the only reason I eventually got my diagnosis’s was because I suffered a major mental breakdown as a result of high stress, emotional turmoil. As a result the masks I had been wearing and keeping in place in an attempt to fit in in a world not designed for me (although I didn’t know this at the time I just thought it was how everyone experienced life).

My emotional breaking point was the death of my mother when I was 18. She was the person who knew me best and reflecting back now, I’m sure she suspected my neruodivergence and had been subtly helping me manage it for many years. This is a time when ASD and ADHD were still considered male only conditions. She had taken me to a child psychologist when I was 3 only to be dismissed because I was a girl and my presentation wasn’t ‘typical’. I have innatentice type adhd and my ASD was formerly known as Aspergers.

My mothers death sent me and my mental health spiralling. I started drinking (having been tee total up until that point) partying and trying to be the life and soul of the party (looking back, I’m not sure how I avoided something serious from happening to me because I was immensely careless!) I quit university and started becoming increasingly flaky and lazy at work - behaving very unlike me - I am the person who is always early, super over organised and has a bag filled with stuff for every eventuality ‘just in case’ Because I don’t do well if I’m not prepared, I always plan routes and look up the layouts of buildings etc where I’m going, I read the menus in advance to decide on my meals if going out etc.

No one picked up on my changes in behaviour or took the time to ask if I was okay or if I needed anything. Completely shocking bearing in mind I’d not long lost a parent, yet not at all surprising to me.

A year to the day of her death, I made my first attempt at suicide. I won’t go to much into the details, but I took a lot of pills and somehow managed to avoid booth having my stomach pumped or being checked into a mental illness ward that time. 3 months later I tried again, I took more pills this time and a more potent concoction and this time spent a couple of weeks as an in-patient having to have my stomach pumped, before 8weeks of out patient daily therapy.

I tried again twice more over the next couple of years, I think medication not working for me was in part to blame for these attempts, but when I finally got my ASD and ADHD diagnosis along with a ptsd diagnosis I felt able to start working on rebuilding my life, learning who I am and about what being neurodivergent means for me. I stopped drinking and returned to being tee total - actually this was one of the most helpful things I did for myself as alcohol and me don’t mix well (an ND thing I’ve recently discovered!) - I also used my savings to pay for therapy, moved out of London to escape the sensory overload I hand realised I was experiencing and went back to university.

There is much more to my story, I have good days and bad, but I’m pretty good at hiding when it’s not going well so most people are completely unaware I’m ill when I meet them. The thing is that’s common - we all make assumptions about what disability is and what it looks like (or doesn’t because you can’t see mine) but that is dangerous, one ill throughout comment could be the trigger that sends me spiralling - it is something I will have to manage for the rest of my life and without support (because I’m apparently not ill enough to qualify for disability assistance so I will spend my life £200+ a month out of pocket paying to maintain my mental health).

I became determined to talk about it and my experiences to play my part in breaking down the stigma so I hope reading my story might encourage one person to open up, to talk to someone and seek help if they need it. I always have my inbox open if anyone wants to reach out to me through the anonymity tumblr, I’m happy to listen.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for taking time out of your day to read this

💜💜💜

#time to talk #time to talk day #mental illness #mental health #mental health awareness #personal post #asd #adhd #asd/adhd #ptsd #about me

[starblaster]

Hi so I saw your post talking about anti-psychiatry, it's ableist roots and how we should reasrch them. This is news to me and I was just wondering if you have any pointers where we should start? Totally okay if not, I'm sorry if I bugged you it's not your responsibility to educate me.

i have a very new tag for it here (link) containing an answered ask here (link) that will hopefully serve as a decent jumping-off point—make sure to read the “bad anti-psychiatry” collumn closely because there are an unfortunately high number of terfs who consider themselves ‘anti-psychiatry’ but their anti-psychiatry arguments tend to fall into the “bad anti-psychiatry” category.

i do also want to preface your self-education journey by recommending a book called crazy like us: the globalization of the american psyche by ethan watters; i’m presently working my way through the audiobook (i frequently find that i need to take breaks from it because i’m someone who is very easily triggered by mentions or discussions of medical abuse or topics which bring thoughts about those things to mind) and it covers the damage westernization has done to the treatment of neurodivergence around the world as the result of colonialism and imperialism. if you get the chance to read it, even just some chapter titles that strike you as interesting or important, it should lend you some useful information and perspectives.

i’ve said this before a few times but i’ll say it again here: i am anti-psychiatry for many of the same reasons i am a prison abolitionist and believe that abolition will do more good than reform ever could. reforming a broken system does little to help the people being harmed the most by it. the psychiatric system prioritizes functionality (for the sake of coercing people into a socially acceptable, labor-capable state of being) over a person’s general wellness.

every single time i have been involuntarily committed to a psych ward, it has traumatized me and i am probably going to be living with ptsd for the rest of my life, all because a handful of different psychiatrists thought my refusal to take medications needed correcting. they didn’t care that those medications made me physically ill all the time, they only cared about controlling me in a patronistic (read: condescending) manner. all my life, psychiatrists (and most of my therapists) have pathologized my queerness, tried to make me ashamed of my autism, tried to convince me that living as an unmedicated psychotic person would kill me, and undermined my overall happiness by forcing medications, therapies, and other treatments onto me, none of which have made me feel as healthy or happy as being voluntarily unmedicated has. and my story is not unique in the slightest; i have met dozens of other autistic and psychotic people who have had similar experiences and are now living with the effects of trauma because of the psychiatric system.

in my opinion, it also doesn’t matter that newer students of psychiatry are being taught marginally different things than older generations were. there are still centuries of ableist stigma (against psychotic people in particular) that have yet to be addressed. at this point, reforming the system is too little too late. abolition can and will save lives, and that’s why i’m anti-psychiatry.

#thanks for your patience #i was at work all day #and also wanted to make sure i answered this thoroughly #antipsychiatry #anti-psychiatry #anons #psychosis tag #psych abolition

[spectrumed]

4. body

Do I have body issues? Well... yeah. Who doesn���t? I absolutely do not like being fat, that’s something I’d change about me. And I probably should bulk up a little, go to the gym. My diet isn’t terrible, I don’t eat any fast food, but I could still always eat healthier. More greens, less beans. But most of all, my biggest body issue is that I don’t really associate myself with my body. My mind feels disconnected from my body. The day scientists invent a way for us all to live as brains in jars on wheels, I’m there standing in line for a chance to become all cerebral. Being physical, it’s just so messy, so awkward, so uncomfortable. You feel pain, you feel embarrassment, you feel horny. Nothing good comes from having a body. If you were just a brain, you could go on thinking and calculating and just generally having a good mental time. Or you’d start feeling suffocated and trapped trying to move your limbs and realising that they have been all chopped off. Hmm… Maybe it’s more complicated than I initially thought.

I don’t understand people who enjoy physical activities. Let it be clear before we delve into this long rant of mine complaining about all things gymnastic, this is not particularly an autistic trait. In fact, there are plenty of autistic people who may excel as athletes, their drive and obsessive personality traits becoming quite useful in developing that discipline that is required to fully commit to becoming an all-star jock. Not all autistic people are reprehensible nerds. Some autistic people are actually quite sexy. Some even have abs. But that’s not me. That’s not my clan of autistic people. I like drawing maps. I like thinking about things. I like making cocktails. The only part of my physical body that I like to put strain on is my liver. Don’t make me go on a run. There isn’t an armchair in this world that I wouldn’t want to sit down in, even the ones that used to be owned by old chain-smokers that have that awful aroma that sneaks into your nostrils and makes you worry about second-hand lung cancer. Sitting is great. I like sitting. Also lying down. Lying down is good.

Am I lazy? No, I don’t think so. Maybe a little, but here’s the thing. I can’t control the things I obsess over. There’s a great deal of overlap between autism spectrum disorder and attention deficit disorder. If you’re reading this and you’re a fellow friend on the spectrum, you may have gotten diagnosed with both. One of those rare times in my life I have attended group therapy, more than half the group were diagnosed with both. I, however, am not. But seeing as the two conditions are so intertwined, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that a facet of autism involves difficulties in trying to focus on something, or even trying not to focus on something too hard. If you were to judge my tenacity, my ability to keep going, based solely on how I perform during physical tasks, you’d think I was the least resolute person on the planet. But then you’ll find me, some time later, staying up until four in the morning drawing another map. A map that’s really just a different take on another map that I drew earlier, that itself was a reworked version of a previous map that I drew but didn’t like, that actually began as a second iteration of one map I drew that was actually wholly different, that was based on a map of Europe but if Denmark never existed. How many maps have you drawn Fred? Why don’t you go mind your own business, you nosy ferret.

The DSM-5 (the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. You can think of it as something akin to a bible of psychology, which is definitely an inflammatory way to refer to it, but I’m gonna go with it! Because I’m a wildcard, and that’s just how I roll,) includes this section as part of its diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum disorder.

Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g., strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interests).

Now, I personally don’t relate to that at all. There’s nothing abnormal in my intense love for maps. The fact that maps aren’t as widely cherished as they ought to be is a fault of others, and I refuse to acknowledge that this may be a part of my character that could be perceived as quirky, or out of the ordinary. But, still, for the sake of argument, let’s presume that I can get, at times, excessively circumscribed. I’d like to say that I’ve only ever engaged in excessive circumscribing in my privacy away from onlookers, but I am afraid that I may have allowed some of my excessive circumscribing to happen in public. I definitely do apologise for that. I will try to do better in the future. But you never know when you’re about to experience some excessive circumscribing. The best you can do is keep it limited.

I don’t know how neurotypicals work. So, you don’t feel these kinds of obsessions? These moments of intense focus? These fixations? Then, you lack passion? Are you heartless? Soulless? Or are you just weak? Are you too feeble to hold steadfast working on a project all night long? To lose touch with your sense of hunger, your need for sleep, and all contact with any other human person? My fixations may come across as strange, but to me, your lack of fixations come across as bizarre. The world is endlessly fascinating. Have you never felt that compulsion to just fully immerse yourself in a topic that allows you to forget about your physical body for just that moment in time? The body cannot hold me. I wish to absorb as much information as I can. If I could astral project, by gods, I would astral project. To decouple your consciousness from your mushy brain for just that little bit, to go soaring across the landscapes, to explore the cosmos, just free of all things corporeal, that would be swell. How terrible isn’t it, when you’re deep in research, learning all about the mystical religious practices of the long-dead hierophants of the ancient world, to be drawn back into the present by the sudden need to urinate? There is something so dreadfully mundane about possessing a human body. If only we could all be celestial beings allowed to just be without the biological needs associated with having flesh and blood and bone and bladders.

I am not religious, nor am I spiritual. I do not believe that there is an immaterial world that lies above the material. I do not believe there is an astral plane. I think that one of the terrifying things about living is knowing that we do not possess such a thing as an eternal soul, that all things are temporal, and that ultimately, we have to come to terms with that. It’s not so terrible. In some ways, the temporal nature of life can be its biggest blessing. All things must pass. Sure, that does include the good times, like that vacation you spent as a child wishing that it would never end. But it also includes the bad times. The heartbreak you feel from a failed relationship. The grief you feel after the passing of a parent. The depression some of us are burdened with. Some days are worse than others. But they too will pass. One of the remarkable things about the human body is its ability to bounce back from injury. To change and evolve in ways we sometimes find unthinkable. The brain, likewise, is transformational, capable of incredible developments. We’re not fixed in stone. We’re not eternal. Which is a good thing. It is what allows recuperation and progress. I should be thankful to my body for being there, even when I’m not. After all, isn’t your body your temple?

I am able-bodied. Am I disabled? There’s naturally a lot of questions that surround how we ought to understand mental illness or neurodiversity in regards to disability. Does autism spectrum disorder count as a disability? Well, yes, it can be considered a learning disability. It is certainly something of a handicap, you are experiencing struggles that most people don’t experience. But to your average layperson, your typical dullard who spends their time watching reality TV, drinking beer, and being happy, what counts as a disability to them? Would they see me and think I was disabled? I’m not in a wheelchair. I don’t walk with a cane. Though I will occasionally “stim,” make small repetitive moments with my hands or legs, I do not exhibit any kind of physical symptoms. If I told them that I was disabled, they’d scoff and tell me that I’m just making it up for attention. They’d say I’m probably just trying to mooch off the government, scoring welfare checks while doing nothing to contribute to society. I’ve got all my limbs. I am not sickly. I am actually quite strong, due to being a big and tall man, I am able to carry quite the load. So, I have no reason to not be a fully productive member of society, right? And yet, here I am, feeling at most times utterly perplexed by anything physical. Probably because I am just lazy, right?

I don’t think laziness is a thing. What is laziness supposed to actually be? Tiredness? If a person is perpetually tired, then they’ve likely got a sleep disorder. To call them lazy would be callous. There are plenty of overworked people that get called lazy, especially by tyrannical overseers who think of their charges as mere workhorses whose only purpose in life is to toil away in the factory until the day they die. Intolerable parents who see their terminally sullen child and instead of wondering what is making them so upset decide to deride them for their lack of ambition. Are you lazy when you are procrastinating? No you are just being a tad irresponsible, maybe, deciding to skip out on chores in order to play video games or masturbate. But you’re not just doing nothing. People generally don’t enjoy doing nothing. We need something to occupy ourselves, to fill that vacuum we all feel whenever we’re just sitting still. I am someone who appears to be comfortable just sitting still, but that’s because I’ve learned, since a very young age, to entertain myself with my own thoughts. To fantasise, to daydream, to do anything I can to escape from the void that is doing absolutely nothing. Boredom, that’s terrible. Boredom is existential dread. Of all the motivations that drive humans, love, spite, jealousy, or pride, I think the need to evade boredom is one of the most prevalent. Humans would rather experience electric shocks than sit alone in a room being bored.

I am not lazy, I am merely… excessively circumscribed. For as much as this may be a specific diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum disorder, I think it is also a common trait amongst all humans. There will always be within us a pull to do something other than the thing that we’re really supposed to be doing, that does not make us lazy, that just makes us terrified of boredom. Sure, you know that you’re supposed to mow the lawn, but that's just so dreadfully tedious, you just would rather be working on perfecting your new stand-up comedy routine. Thinking up jokes to tell on stage is so much more stimulating than cutting grass. And who cares if your lawn grows a little wild? Lawns are a scam, imposed by fascists to make us think grass in its natural state is ugly. All grass is beautiful, whether it is cut short or it is allowed to grow long. Do the thing that fulfils you. Allow yourself to become immersed in passion, to forget about those things that hold you back, the little silly things we’ve convinced ourselves is important. Stay up late, if you wish. You’re gonna kill it on open mic night, bud!

Yes, it is a problem when your obsessions grow so singular that you forget to feed yourself. When you forget personal hygiene, when you become trapped in your own apartment looking like some feral rodent caught in a cage. Like always, the key is moderation, and I know that from time to time, you may have to entertain a boring task or two. Clean your room, brush your teeth, trim your pubic hair, try to give an impression that you are taking care of yourself. If for anyone, do it for your mother. She will be happy seeing you looking like a civilised individual, wearing clean clothes and not looking malnourished. But don’t ever chastise yourself for being lazy. Laziness is a sin that we’re all guilty of, and if we’re all guilty of it, is it really a sin? Or is it just part of what it means to be a human? To be a messy creature made out of flesh and blood and bone and the occasional bladder. In the end, I’m more happy than displeased at having a body. It’d be much harder to type on a keyboard if I didn’t have fingers.

Still, I wish I wasn’t fat.

#neurodiversity #neurodivergent #autism spectrum disorder #autism #aspergers #mental health

[ablednt]

aren’t u that blog that constantly promotes self dx and bashes professional dx? like self dx is fine but it’s a last resort for people who can’t access prof dx.

I don't bash prof dx, first off. I fully understand and respect people who needed one for any reason.

However self diagnosis should never be treated like a backup for if you can't get a prof dx and here is why:

(Disclaimer: exact details vary by country making this not fully accurate in every country also I am not saying that treatment is bad or that therapists are inherently bad I am currently trying to seek therapy but any good therapist will treat you without a diagnosis if they are aware of the legal consequences of one)

You can and likely will lose your rights for your diagnoses. It's different by country but in the US if your diagnosed with things like DID, Autism, and probs a lot more you won't be allowed to go on HRT if you're trans. You may have your children taken away if you have any, you may be prevented from donating or receiving blood or organs, if you have abusive family members they may be able to put you under a conservatorship (what happened to Britney Spears) etc.

Literally the vast majority of psychologists do not study these disorders! Do you know what they do when they prof dx? THE SAME SHIT PPL WHO SELF DX DO. The dx process is exactly the same but with a professional dx you have someone who doesn't have that thing, who has no actual first hand experiences, listening to you talk about that thing and telling you whether or not they think you have it with literally no input from the community.

By saying every one has to try to be prof dxed before they're allowed to self dx you're saying that people of color should put up with blatant racism because there's so many documented biases.

Also the criteria that therapists use to diagnose is found in the dsm5, have you read it? I have, it says that autistic people cannot take care of themselves that they're prone to self harm bc of their autism and that they should have their needs ignored it uses all the labels that autistic people ask it doesn't. It says that even if an adult fits all the criteria of ADHD that if their parents arent available to say "yeah they sucked at school and were annoying" that you shouldn't diagnose them. The criteria for personality disorders, schizophrenia, and similar are all intentionally vague and/or exclusionary to one highly stereotyped set of symptoms. They literally admitted to trying to make the criteria for DID as specific and exclusive as possible because they wanted to remove it entirely because they believed people dxed with MPD before DID was coined did not deserve treatment.

The field of psychology started historically to abuse people, they were thrown into asylums and literally beaten and subjected to horrible conditions for any presumed mental illness. This actually has not changed very much at all, even in the last century a psychiatrist was caught physically abusing his patients and using the theory he made on DID to force them to keep coming to him for therapy. Psyche wards are notorious for mistreating patients there in every aspect and I've had psyche students tell me they believe that psychologists should have the right to physically harm patients. Children professionally dxed with autism are often physically harmed at school by their teachers, physical restraint is still used and it's killed multiple autistic students.

Children and teens in abusive homes have ableist parents often who may get violent or worsen the abuse or use a dx against them legally to trap them at home. Do you give them a pass for self dx? Except here's the thing you literally don't know who's being abused and who isn't and asking ppl that is really fucked up so you should be accepting all self dx to create a welcoming and safe space for them.

Physciatrists actually misdiagnose more than people mis-self-diagnose. Which isn't a reflection on the psychiatrist as much as the fact that people know their own experiences but they very often can't explain them. An example before I met someone who had OSDD1 and would explain it to me from first hand perspective no one would have ever suspected I had a dissociative disorder and was plural Because the only words I had for my experiences were "everything before a certain date literally wasn't me idk I'm just not the same person I was" "I'm a really good writer because I talk to characters in my head all day and they respond to things even when I'm not trying to think about them and they're real to me somehow idk lol" none of that sounds like DID but I was actually describing memory gaps from switches, internal communication and presence of fictives, etc. The best guest anyone had was depression and an overactive imagination. Self dxing is literally more accurate and accessible because people can look at the community and see the disorder explained from first hand experience.

Historically (but it's still happening in some cases) therapists would literally refuse treatment to anyone who talked to other people with their diagnosis. The case I'm thinking of is people with MPD (the dx that came before DID replaced it) would be refused therapy if they spoke to anyone else with MPD outside of therapy and even forbade them from going to support groups for survivors of incestual abuse because those groups advocated for the rights of people with MPD. To this day therapists often disrespect any and all ND/mentally ill communities because we happen to know our own literal lived experiences better than them.

Oh and prof dxes are often used against people legally so if anyone is in a minority group often targeted by police that potentially puts them in even more danger if they're arrested. Least we forget there's an entire field of study dedicated to criminalizing mental illness.

This isnt even half the reasons but I'm running out of spoons (I can source most of these things but I don't have the spoons so if anyone needs a source just ask)

I'm a firm believer that the need for prof dx not be pushed on everyone when it can have permanent and negative consequences and is no better than a self dx. If someone needs a diagnosis for access to medications, for financial support, or for any other legal reason then it very well may be worth the risk but they need to have the right to understand the consequences and make that decision. Imo it's professional dxes that should be not a last resort perse but it shouldn't even remotely be your first steps, your first steps are find the community and hear their actual lived experiences bc that will be so much clearer than anything a therapist who doesn't experience that thing can explain.

Also why do you care if people self dx? Why does their not having an Official Document saying they have their disorder bother you? I think it's deeply unsettling that you think everyone in the entire world needs YOUR approval to have something.

Jsyk the sentiment that self dx is lesser than prof dx is fostered by our capitalist nt society that's benefiting off of our abuse and systematic oppression so like you're literally helping us stay oppressed with this rhetoric.

If y'all really want to be progressive and anti-capitalist like most of this site does (and should) then that goes for disability justice too. Stop helping our own communities abuse and accept that not everyone has the luxury you apparently had to never be affected by your diagnosis ever.

#long post #outbox #negative #abuse tw #ableism tw #psychiatric ward tw #psych ward tw #police tw #ask to tag #self dx discussion #anyway if you think you personally approve who deserves a self dx then youre disgusting and need to figure something out for that power trip

[deafaq]

Hi, I'm a hearing person who just found out my 8 month old son is deaf. I've read about how cochlear implants sometimes do more harm than good, so I'm not sure if this is the route I want to take. Any advice on this, how either choice would impact his life? I want him to succeed and be comfortable in both the hearing and deaf communities. My older children are already being raised bilingual, so would it be beneficial to use both ASL and LSF in our home? Or would this possibly confuse him?

Hello,

overall I recommend reaching out to a local nonprofit which works with Deaf people. I am not sure where you live, but lot of countries have organizations which help hearing parents who have deaf children and they have more resources and info than I do and they can usually provide help. 

As for cochlear implants:

- not every child is a candidate for the operation (it depends on the  state of cochlea, if the child has any additional disabilities/illnesses, etc) so I would check with your doctors whether there is even a conversation about this

- CIs of modern times are usually reliable and work well from technical standpoint, but they still require lot of rehabilitation and speech therapy. We are often talking years. 

- People with CIs aren’t hearing, they are deaf with CIs. They still need accomodation and consideration. Depending on the child, they might still need a special school for deaf. (some implanted children do well in intergation in a normal school, some don’t.) On the other hand, deaf child without CI will definitely fare better in school for deaf. Is there some near the place you live? How good is education for disabled people handled in your country?

- Depending on where you live, a choice to NOT give your offspring a CI might be... very controversial and you will get lot of shit for it.

- Most deaf children grow up to be bilingual but its rarely two sign languages. To be able to function in a hearing world, they need to learn to read a spoken language. So for example most deaf children in america should be able to read in English and use ASL. I assume you speak French and English with your hearings kids? In that case, that would require your deaf child to know 4 languages, which is... too much, imo. I would stick with the language of the country you are staying at, if possible. (for example, if you live in France, I would teach your deaf child French and LFS)

- If you want to use sign language at home, question is, can you speak it? There is a difference between acquisition of language from a native speaker and from someone who is also learning the language. If you want your child to learn sign language, they need to be in presence of adults who speak it. (Deaf communities are usually happy to help out with this, I also heard use of Deaf nanny)

- To be a fully deaf person in a modern hearing world is a very difficult life sometimes, even if you are fluent in sign language. Deaf people face a lot of discrimination especially in job market, but also in hospitals, schools... There is often lack of interpreters to consider as well.

- To be a person with CI, it means you are still a deaf person with CI, but you can communicate with hearing world more sucessfully. However, there is the problem of identity, being stuck between two worlds. (though honestly, this very much depends on local deaf community and whether your child will be able to use sign language. Signing people with CIs are usually accepted amongst Deaf people) The most common issue is when parents only insist on the child learning to speak and if the child struggles with speech and hearing, they have no effective way of communicating. 

I cant tell you whats the best decision here. But if at this point of time I gave birth to a deaf child, I would probably give them CI and taught him sign language both. That way, when they are adult, they can choose whats best for them. In recent years, giving a child CI is getting less controversial among the Deaf community and I even know few Deaf families who chose this route to their children.

There are some cases where CIs can be actively harmful (for example, I have met an autistic deaf child who hated his CI to the point of bashing his head into wall and it had to be removed) but if you give your child access to Deaf culture and community and language, you should be fine. Most Deaf people who dislike CIs do so because hearing parents force their implanted children to only speak and cut them off from Deaf culture. 

(also, some books about CIs are tad outdated at this point. As much as I love the book Mask of Benevolence by Harlan Lane, and it still raises lot of good points, the technical info there about the success and usage of CIs is vastly outdated at this point - the book was published in 1992 and technology made vast leaps since then.)

What do other people think? Especially opinions from people with CIs are wanted!

Mod T

#deaf #cochlear implants #mod t #deaf children #Anonymous

[sadisticscribbler]

Why Suicide?

Why do people kill themselves? I’m not talking about those who attempt suicide for attention, nor do I mean to belittle them, but what of the many more who chose to end their lives?

I am not asking some philosophical question here, but am talking from personal experience. You see, I have just found myself about to take my own life, and would have if I wasn’t disturbed just at the point of no return by a mundane phone call. Maybe because of my autism, but I had to answer the ringing phone which subsequently took me out of what I was about to do.

As a result I was left in some sort of limbo in which my body took me back home, and here I now sit talking to myself via this blog post. So how did I get there, and why do so many people find themselves where I did?

There is no simple reason… or rather there is no single event that in itself triggers suicidal ideation. Contrary to popular belief, suicidal thoughts aren’t caused by moments of depression that need to be “got through”, it is a more serious state of being. Let me explain: I was born suicidal.

As shocking and unbelievable as this might sound, it is true. I first attempted suicide before I was aged three (I drank bleach) which was not recognised for what it was… a genuine attempt to kill myself. I subsequently tried two more times in as many months, but survived them all. But what could have happened, you might be asking yourself, to make me want to kill myself? In a word: Nothing. Or in another: Everything.

For some context, I was born autistic; and I also had a very high IQ. Together, these factors, and the world in which I found myself, made this world intolerable. And it still is nearly sixty years later. The reason I have survived thus far is not because I have found some way to navigate this world, but in spite of it. No matter what experiences I have, it all comes to the same conclusion that I shouldn’t be living in this world. So why am I? For several reasons: external interference (such as my parents as a child), my Catholic faith, but more importantly my constantly trying to deny the inevitable. So what has happened now that these mechanisms are no longer sufficient to stop me doing the only thing available?

Until a few years ago I had responsibilities and family: both extended and my own wife and kids. Then I became chronically ill and unable to work. My parents and brother died and my family fell apart. And then my (now ex-)wife decided I was no longer useful to her and took everyone and everything away from me. I was left disabled and with nothing to my name. I had nothing and no-one… except for one very important friend who stuck by me. Last year she killed herself.

Like myself she was autistic and very intelligent. We talked endlessly about her decision to kill herself but I was unable to give her a convincing reason not to. This is because everything she said had been correct, and I could offer her (nor myself) any reason not to die. Unlike me she was an atheist and so the threat of eternal torment was not enough to deter her (as it had been doing for me). So I was unable to satisfactorily answer the question: What is the point of continuing to live? And my being unable to save her affirmed her conclusion in that, in my case, if I can’t save the life of my only true friend, then what is the point of my being around?

Before continuing with my journey, allow me to add her words herein as they show not just how I feel but how I and others, I suspect, see the world and why we can’t live in it. This is her final statement:

If you’re reading this, chances are my attempt to leave the world has been successful. If you happen to be religious, please pray for me to be treated compassionately in my next life, as I will be praying beforehand for this as well, as a relatively quick and painless death, despite my lack of religion.

Many people say suicide is selfish. To those, I would want to ask: is it not also selfish to expect someone to live, when existing seems to them intolerable?

None of us ask to be born, but we can decide when to die and in my eyes that right is fundamental; a human right, just like any other.

People stigmatise death, especially voluntary death, because to them it seems the most terrible thing they can imagine. To that, I say, what is so bad about death? The universe is so very old and will continue to exist long into the future, perhaps indefinitely. So why does it make a difference if someone dies at 20 or at 80, provided their life was not taken against their will?

As an autistic, I long for a world where autistic people can exist happily, but I’m not sure this can ever happen. I have pretty much given up on the world at this point. It’s not designed for people like me.

So who am I in this world? An autistic, chronically depressed, jobless, homeless in effect waste of space who was born into a female body but probably isn’t. Born to a teenage single mother, raised by a grandmother who is now dead and fated to a life where anything I attach to will be my undoing.

Dying isn’t something alien to me. I first began to think about suicide around the age of 7. As a child, I was intelligent and had a seemingly bright future, but that rarely translates into the adult world.

The only thing I really regret is losing the two people closest to me. Mostly, however, I am sad about losing hope, for it is only hope that keeps us going.

I’m also tired. To quote The Green Mile, “I’m tired of people being ugly to each other. I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There’s too much of it. It’s like pieces of glass in my head all the time.”

Like my friend I am autistic, suffer from chronic depression with episodes of clinical depression, jobless, and as illustrated above: “a waste of space”. I also have a catalogue of degenerative diseases. So what is there left to hope for?

“Oh it’s the depression talking, and that can be managed” you may be thinking. Sadly no… and not just just due to the mental health teams (who spectacularly failed in my friend’s instance). Depression is not an aberration of thought that can be corrected with a shot of serotonin. Rather it is the cold hard truth of reality that serotonin (naturally produced or chemically induced) obfuscates. This is why it is nigh impossible to help someone resist suicide. And I speak from experience of trying to help others, as well as trying to convince myself. In the end, the only argument against ending one’s life is the I “haven’t done it yet, because I’ve managed to knowingly delude myself”.

But what of speaking therapies… can these help? I would say no. This is because that people like I already see the reality of a hostile world, that no matter how hard we try to improve our lot in life, the full horror of it is a mere hair away. Distraction is no solution. So speaking with a therapist can only succeed if he/she can ‘enlighten’ the person to the ‘knowledge’ that life isn’t all that bad… or that it won’t always be that bad. But what if you’re smart enough, or have experienced enough, to see that what the therapist has said does not change the reality that there is no reason to go on, and that continuing to suffer now is worth the remote possibility that a less terrible time might momentarily punctuate the pain.

But it cannot work… there can be no going back: Once a child realises Santa doesn’t exist, there is no way to recapture nor replace what it meant to believe it. And so, once we have seen the world for what it is, there can be no way back. All that is left is how long we can distract ourselves, and finding a reason to so. Sooner or later one or both of these management techniques will fail. And it might take only the slightest of not-so-bad problems to break it all apart. And this is where I find myself.

I cannot promise that what almost happened tonight to me might not happen again, but for now I am still here writing this post in the hope that someone somewhere might be able to find a way to keep going that I, and my late friend, cannot. So, what was my ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’? I have been trying to cope with losing the only, and most dearest friend on whom I leant very much, and whom I loved very deeply; as well as developing cancer to add to my list of debilitating and very painful medical conditions. The Catholic church has become victim to corruption and evil, including in the office of the Pope. So I truly am alone. The loneliness is immense and the daylight short. I am barely managing to live on my benefits, and it is not easy. And then I receive today notification that my benefits have stopped. So soon I shall be unable to feed myself nor have shelter. So is there any reason not to kill myself? I thought not.

I won’t be out on the street tomorrow, but the time is rapidly approaching. This would be the end of the line for me, so as my friend said, we may be unable to fit into this world, “but we can decide when to die and in my eyes that right is fundamental; a human right, just like any other.“

#Suicide

[d-p-d-r]

Intro

Feels like every topic-based blog deserves an intro, so here is one.

I have had a lot of diagnostic as well as non-diagnostic / general life-experience labels placed on me throughout my life. In general, unlike many others here I am not eager to describe my self-identity using a plethora of labels, and the ones I do actively embrace are done in a very intentional way after a long period of reflection.

Here I will explain the particular labels that are relevant to the creation of this blog, and what they specifically mean for me.

-

Depersonalisation-derealisation disorder About a half year ago, during a period of intense emotional, spiritual and physical stress, I suddenly woke up one morning feeling very dizzy, brain-fogged, and like that there was a veil between my entire being and the outside world which made it seem unreal. I also slowly began to notice the classic physical symptoms of a flu, which soon grow into the most debilitating flu I have ever the memory of experiencing. All the flu symptoms dissipated in due time, but the cognitive dissociative symptoms did not. They have stayed, waxing and waning, and there is a sense that something will “never be the same” inside of myself again. I am still very early into learning most of the nuances around sustainable coping, management and what my triggers are. 

I often say to people, that I feel “constantly dizzy”, because all of the symptoms of dp/dr can be described as “dizzying”. Visual depth perception is especially difficult and as such I frequently feel unsteady when standing or walking, sometimes even sitting, which has so far been the most visibly disruptive aspect of the condition.

Depersonalisation is an experience that I have quite a bit of prior life experience managing, but derealisation has been a totally new one, and the particular type of depersonalisation that accompanies this seems to be qualitatively different than anything I’ve known before.

-

Autism spectrum disorder I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome back when that was still the correct term, but I embrace the rationale behind the introduction of the new label, feel that it more closely resembles my own experience anyway, even though in daily life I am more likely to still say “aspergers” for the sake of keeping things simple to those who are likely less aware of the nuanced distinctions.

There are times when I have felt more or less impacted by my inborn differences, it has almost exclusively been correlated with how “autism-friendly” the people, situations, and structures in my daily life is at any given time. I am also learning, with every new type of situation and life experience, what my physiological limits are - in this period of my life, there has been a very large amount of limit discovery and negotiation - and slowly but surely, also learning to practice limit acceptance. In short, I have accidentally got myself into a set of circumstances that are very draining and harmful to the autistic being without realising that it would be such. My work now consists of learning the lessons it has to teach, and very slowly moving towards some kind of sustainable internal and external configuration. I feel often that I am walking a thin line that is dangerously close to a collapse so great that I would never be able to recover from. But I am already here, and as such trying to walk faster or take apparent shortcuts seems that it would be even more dangerous.

Sensory processing sensitivity is the aspect of the autistic experience that affects me the most, as well as that which I tend to attribute every other aspect to as the foundation - in my own experience only of course, as it is a spectrum and all. This interacts in an interesting (more likely: harmful and aggravating) way with dp/dr which primarily (again, only speaking for myself) is experienced as a distortion of sensory perceptions.

-

Chronically ill / having chronic illness Despite all the diagnoses I have received throughout my life, I have almost always been able to pass as healthy to the average casual observer. This of course has always been a conscious decision with consciously executed strategies, which has always worked... until now. Suddenly but not surprisingly, at the “pinnacle of outward success” in my life I have started to have visible trouble functioning at work, in many daily life situations that has never been a problem before, and becoming forced to admit that I am far from being the healthy person that appears from afar. This is really the point of this blog I guess - to help me process and navigate this strange new reality, because there is no one I can talk to in my regular life about any of these things besides medical professionals. And so much of healing requires processing and understanding, it is work that I need to do not just inside of a therapy appointment - and I hope that I would feel comfortable to do that work in this space.

It would also be nice to share and exchange experiences with others, and support each other somehow - but as with all human social things, it’s difficult for me to actively want or expect it. I will just say that I hope it happens, too.

I prefer to say chronically ill rather than “mentally ill” or even “chronically mentally ill” because even though my primary conditions belong in the realm of “mental health” I see the mind and body as part of one continuum that really cannot be separated, also because almost all of my symptoms of illness are experienced as primarily physical, affecting my ability to navigate the world inside of my body much more so than inside of my mind (example: I almost always feel totally fine when lying down). It is part of my slow learning to realise that thoughts and feelings have contributed to all of these horrible ongoing physical experiences, as well as that thoughts and feelings hold the power to shift them to a certain degree such that they are no longer a significant impairment to functioning.

I’m also still open to receiving or discovering diagnostic labels that belong to the realm of “physical health” as the primary “owner” of any number of symptoms, but it hasn’t happened yet. Looking at you, crushing fatigue and crushing headaches. 

#dpdr #depersonalisation #derealisation #dissociation #asd #autism #aspergers #actuallyautistic #actually dpdr #spoonie #chronic fatigue #chronically ill #mentally ill #mental health #disability #disabled #actuallymentallyill #actually chronically ill

[sophygurl]

WisCon 43 panel Mental Illness in SFF

Speculative fiction is fruitful grounds for stereotypes and tropes related to mental illness. We have mad scientists on the one hand and mad gods on the other. We have robots representing one kind of neurodivergency in the science realm and the fae or fae-touched doing similar in fantasy worlds. We have creatures that feed on sanity and medications that cure mental illnesses, and the drugs or plants that cause them. What's going on with mental illness in SFF genres? When are these depictions and metaphors helpful and which ones are just plain harmful?

Moderator: Jason Finn. Panelists:  Ira Alexandre, Kristy Eagar, Clara Cecilia Abnet Holden, Kiersty Lemon-Rogers. [also Autumn was added to the panel - I didn’t catch if she wanted to be known beyond her first name however] [additionally, a member of the audience named Cassie eventually joined the panel as well, but I wasn’t able to catch anything beyond her first name]

Disclaimers: These are only the notes I was personally able to jot down on paper during the panel. I absolutely did not get everything, and may even have some things wrong. Corrections by panelists or other audience members always welcome. I name the mod and panelists because they are publicly listed, but will remove/change names if asked. I do not name audience members unless specifically asked by them to be named. If I mix up a pronouns or name spelling or anything else, please tell me and I’ll fix it!

Notes:

Kristy introduced herself by saying “I like to say I’m seven kinds of crazy” - she has a wide array of mental illnesses/neurodivergency.

Ira said they are “also seven kinds of crazy”, specifically mentioned Bipolar II, autism, and ADHD.

Kiersty said she’s liking the term “mentally weird” for herself, that not everything is officially diagnosed “for reasons”, and that she likes to see people like herself in fiction.

Clara said she also likes the “seven kinds of crazy” and mentioned OCD, GAD, autism, and severe depression. She gets excited to see characters even close to being like her.

Autumn said she finished her master’s degree in counseling and also holds multiple diagnoses. She writes “queer mental illness trash romance”, and has created the games Player 2 and Self Interview.

Autumn also said she wanted to hold space for people who don’t like the word crazy, for whom it’s not something they’re reclaiming.

Jason said he has a family history of mental illness. He started the panelists off asking about representation that they have feelings about.

Ira said they wrote about the Vorkosigan Saga with a focus on Miles, who is more known for his physical differences but who is also neurodivergent. Miles is also a vet with PTSD - which is not handled very well in the story. There is another character who has PTSD who gets the help that he needs, however.

Ira also likes Murderbot (I’m guessing by a quick search this means The Murderbot Diaries by Martha Wells), as well as Chidi from The Good Place. The fork in the garbage disposal line really speaks to them.

Kristy also loves and relates to Chidi. She noted that there is no therapeutic help available in the afterlife. She also talked about the show Monk - the detective with OCD. Monk often described his OCD as being both a blessing and a curse. Monk made her feel seen, however she felt depressed at the end of each episode. She noted that his OCD gave him a sort of superpower where hers did not. Instead of framing it in terms of blessing and curse, and feeling like she only has the curse, she likes to think of it as neither - it just is.

Clara talked about characters like Monk where the superpower is just that the see the world differently.

Kristy also talked about how most of us don’t have a personal assistance to come around and help us interface with the world.

Clara added that other shows do this, as well - Sherlock, House, The Good Doctor. There is an exceptional cis white male with an ability that is valued enough that his inability to interface with the world on his own is seen as okay.

Autumn said she is sensitive to characters being read as autistic but the story doesn’t tell us that they are. Example was a Canadian show, Strange Empire.

Autumn also talked about Jacqueline Koyanagi’s Ascension - the main character is both physically and mentally disabled. Strong rec. [I agree!!]

Kiersty mentioned Rick Riordan’s Percy Jackson series as being decent rep for someone with ADHD as a sort of superpower. Also An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon reads as neurodivergent.

Kiersty added an example that was not well done, which I didn’t catch the name of. She loves the work but the representation was bad. Another work I didn’t catch the name of [ugh my handwriting] has tokenization. The queer mentally ill character has psychopathy and is treated unkindly within the story. This was the focus of Kiersty’s graduate work - it can be hard for her to analyze critically because she loves and respects the author overall, but there are serious issues here.

Ira went back to the idea of the helper character (like for Monk, Sherlock, etc.) - there are labor issues here as well. These helpers are paid for their work to make the character more palatable to the world. Sometimes the exceptional genius character gets taught how to treat others kindly along the way.

Kristy said this is a classic trope in the detective genre - the neurodivergent genuis detective and the person who explains what they mean to the rest of the world. Nero Wolf is another example of this - being a massive genius somehow entitles these men to treat others poorly.

Kristy talked about The Good Doctor as a combination of good and bad representation. Often, another doctor or nurse or even patient will explain things to or for the main character, which can lead to the idea that he is unable to learn these things on his own. One episode had the example of “I can’t be racist, I’m disabled!” which is a very bad take.

Kristy noted that the interfacer is also the one who is seen as having the “burden” of being in relationship with the person with the mental illness.

Ira talked about Murderbot - the first book at least was a positive example - that it’s okay to interact with people differently instead of trying to correct how you naturally relate to people. It’s a more adaptive relationship,

Kiersty talked about Data in Star Trek and the whole “I just want to be human” trope. When that type of character is coded as neuroatypical, it can be problematic. Kiersty will fight anyone who questions Data’s personhood. She relates to him very strongly.

Kiersty also talked about Deanna and how she would tell Data that he does have emotions - he just expresses them differently. He didn’t need to have an emotion chip or whatever. He already had connections and relationships with others, even if they looked different.

Autumn talked about Kingpin in Daredevil as a possibly divisive example because he’s a villain. But his villainy was not related to his autism. They both just existed. This is also an example where the translator character is a man and also paid for his services, so it is not unpaid labor. And Kingpin’s romantic interest, Vanessa, accepts him as he is.

Clara added “Kingpin is definitely not a good person, but I love him.” She also agreed his character was handled well and is over the common trope of mental illness being the reason for the villainy.  

Clara talked about how so many villains are characters with anti-social personality disorders - the all villains are psychopaths trope. Then there is Sherlock who said in the first episode that he was a sociopath but no, he wasn’t, and portraying him that way is a problem. Rec’s the book and film I Am Not a Serial Killer - good depiction of someone with anti-social PD who is not a villain and not violent and who gets a diagnosis and therapy.

Ira said, in regards to villains, mental illness as a driving force for the plot becomes the reason for their villainy. There is a fascination in pop culture for the display of a villain’s psyche’s in a way that there isn’t for other types of characters.

Kristy talked about the debates between psychopathy and sociopathy. With the Sherlock thing that Clara mentioned - Kristy thought it was plausible because of the spectrum of disconnect in emotions involved. There is a problem in portraying all psychopaths as serial killers - many are CEO’s, accountants, soccer mom’s, etc. There are positives - the emotional disconnect can make someone with psychopathy good at hiring and firing people, for example.

Clara said that she likes depictions where anti-social characters can be helpful and useful.

Autumn spent the past year working with people with anti-social PD - people who require full time care. Incarcerated people tend to have it as a diagnosis but it’s not always a good diagnosis because part of the diagnostic criteria includes “criminal behavior.” The context of criminal behavior is not always taken into consideration.

Autumn said that the people she worked with had empathy but their feelings of guilt were so overwhelming that they melted down when they tried to tune into them. The problem is that this disconnect becomes habituated - it becomes a refusal to take responsibility for their actions at all because they can’t let the feelings in.

Jason asked the panelists to talk about depictions of therapy. This was Deanna’s whole job. He is unhappy with Barclay’s treatment in the series a lot of the time.

Ira commented that there are too few space therapists. In fantasy - therapists usually have another role in addition to the therapy.

Autumn talked more about Deanna as a professional empath. In seasons 6 and 7, the show started portraying therapy more realistically - the way therapy actually happened during the time the series originally aired. Autumn also added that Dax was unqualified for the role as councilor on DS9.

Kristy talked about therapy in speculative fiction sometimes being specifically therapy. Then there is Guinan in The Next Generation who did a lot of unpaid labor as a therapist for everybody, exemplifying the magical black woman trope as well. There are a couple of episodes focused on her character and her feelings, but not a lot.

Kristy is also interested in the idea of the holodeck being used as therapy. Also, in fantasy novels, the priest often plays the role of therapist. It’s worth asking who is doing the labor and who is getting paid for the labor and who is benefiting from the labor, especially through lenses of race and gender.

Ira talked some about the movement of getting therapy from your own demographic (for example, black and queer therapists treating their own people), and how that could be an interesting concept to explore in spec. fic.

An audience member talked about the white cis male frame that mental illness is often looked at through in fiction. As a counter example, brought up Nnedi Okorafor’s Binti and Akata Witch, as well as Andrea Hairston’s Will Do Magic for Small Change - which delve into black and brown ideas of not being allowed to feel and the harm that therapy can do. Horror, as a genre, looks at this sometimes, too.

Autumn said the issue is complex - the thing about therapy with someone who shares your demographic can work because the most important thing in success of therapy is a shared rapport, and often that can be found with people you share things with.

Autumn also shared that in real life, schizophrenia cuts equally across the population, but diagnostically that doesn’t show. Black and brown people have more distrust of authority for obvious reasons, and that can be viewed as mental illness. Similarly, Russia used anti-psychotics on people who didn’t trust the state - but they had good reason not to have that trust.

Kristy noted that the panel is all white and that this is a problem. An audience member began asking the panelists questions in regards to race, and was asked if she wanted to join the panel to speak on that and she did (everyone applauded - this felt very needed, although the panelists were doing their best to address the issues).

The audience member introduced herself as Cassie, and this was her first WisCon - she said this kind of thing happens to her a lot because being at cons sparks her hypomania.

Cassie talked about the TV show Insecure where one of the black main characters is seen in therapy with a black therapist and how amazing that is.

She also talked about the issue of black people being scared of being shot at by police and that getting a diagnosis of delusion slapped on them, but this is a very realistic fear. Also - black expression of depression is often anger.

As far as people with anti-social PD, the white ones tend to end up as CEO’s, the black ones end up in prison.

Cassie rec’d Binti as well and talked about the depiction of PTSD, isolation from one’s own community. The character does see a therapist, but there is so much misunderstanding due to cultural differences. There are access issues around therapy - both in real life and in SFF.

Clara talked about strict and narrow depictions of “otherness” in fiction and how we can only have one margliazation in a character. As if it’s unrealistic for someone to be both black and mentally ill.

An audience member commented - “I guess cishet white men have no trouble empathizing with others.”

Kristy talked about Shonda Rhimes shows, specifically How To Get Away With Murder has a bisexual black woman with mental illness as a main character.

Kristy also mentioned Hannibal - “I love relationships where the therapist ends up eating their patient, or vice versa.”

“If you love cannibalism and mental illness....”

Jason - and we’re out of time and have to end it there. [lol]

[So. This was a really good and really interesting panel for a lot of reasons, but I’m left feeling a little frustrated about the focus of it, only because well - I wrote this one up too and was thinking about it specifically touching on ways that SF and fantasy use the tropes of their genres to portray mental illness and when those are used well or poorly. The panel did a little bit of that, but it feels like it veered off a lot into other genres, discussing mental illnesses in general, and even when focused on SFF - it was more listing off works and what they did vs. exploring the idea of SFF tropes specifically in regards to mental illness. But perhaps I need to narrow the focus of the panel description more if that’s the panel I want to see? IDK. It really was interesting and I liked how they just invited the audience member to the panel mid-way through to gain her perspective. Also some cool recs!]

#wiscon #wiscon 43 #mental illness in sff #mental illness #mental illness representation

[sweetandsavageautistic]

What I meant was what's preventing me from putting a BULLET in my head? No matter what I do, I'll always be invalidated. Trump, GamerGate, and what-have-you have are all making me think about suicide. My mother is in so much denial to the point where I hardly even know her. She's conservative and believes autism needs a cure. Whenever I point out the damage conservatives have done to me as both an asexual and as autistic, I frequently get called a bully. Forgive me if I AM rebellious.

There’s no need to apologize for being rebellious. I personally believe that a sense of rebellion is normal and perhaps even beneficial. Breaking away from the family a bit, I believe, can help someone establish their own identity. 

We do go through a lot of shit as autistic people. According to the Washington Post, Conservatives, especially those who fall very far on the right, are more likely to believe that vaccines cause autism. Another category of those people who believe it are those who distrust the government. A lot of the Conservative values seem to fall under the belief in keeping tradition and keeping things the same. Autism, as we know it today, seems to be seen as something that is a waste and isn’t beneficial, as some of us can’t actually contribute to the economy by getting a job due to certain limitations. It’s a toxic ideology, for sure, but we have to acknowledge that it exists. 

(For those of you who are Conservatives or distrust government, I am NOT bashing you. This is just what I found online and it said that anti-vaxxer attitudes are more likely found in Conservatives and those who distrust government. I don’t want this to be taken out of context or offend anyone, so I’m just making that clear right now. Plus I also found this about what Conservatives believe:

“Conservatives believe in personal responsibility, limited government, free markets, individual liberty, traditional American values and a strong national defense. Believe the role of government should be to provide people the freedom necessary to pursue their own goals. Conservative policies generally emphasize empowerment of the individual to solve problems.”

Note that it talks about “traditional American values,” so I think it’s fair to say that Conservatives generally do like to keep to traditional ideals. This isn’t me bashing Conservatives. This is just me stating what I read and what that lead my mind to come up with, which I don’t see how that would be hating on Conservatives, but I feel like someone is gonna take it out of context somehow anyway.)

As for what’s preventing you from putting a bullet in your head, I hope everything would. Every autistic person has a chance to contribute to us being more visible and heard in society, including you. No matter if it’s protesting, writing letters, even just running a tumblr blog like this, it adds more chances of us being heard and being visible. 

You mentioned that it makes you consider suicide, I urge you to call a hotline or text HELP to 741741. You can talk to someone about what’s going on, especially if you feel like there’s no one who will listen. I also suggesting downloading the app Vent. I got the app on my phone a while back. It’s a good place for, well, venting. Whether publicly or privately. They even have a section of emotion selections for autism acceptance (unfortunately you do have to buy that, but it’s still awesome that it’s even there). There are also groups you can join. I believe there are autism groups on there you can join. Also talk to a counselor or a therapist. If you can’t afford it or are scared to go in and talk face-to-face, I’d suggest trying BetterHelp. One of my favorite YouTubers, who goes through mental illness herself, tested it out and she highly recommends it if you’re not into or scared to try traditional therapy. No matter what option you do, I need to emphasize; don’t kill yourself. Your life is worth so damn much, and it’s cheating you out of any opportunity for you to heal. Please get help.

I’m gonna come right out and say it; you being called a bully just for pointing out how the Conservative ideology has hurt you as an asexual and an autistic? That makes no fucking sense to me. You’re NOT being a bully or butthurt. You’re simply trying to state your case. You’re simply stating your experiences and feelings and advocating for yourself. And if they can’t bring themselves to listen, that’s on them. I know it’s easier said than done, but the best thing to do is to not let them get you down. It will take time, but to help, surround yourself with people who support you. If you don’t have a tumblr blog, I highly suggest that you make one. I’m fairly sure that the autism community is more than willing to support you, myself included. 

From what I’ve read, it sounds like your mom is the one being the bully. It sounds like she’s refusing to acknowledge your perspective and that’s not right, especially because we have a huge disadvantage in society because we see things differently. The world isn’t built for us, but that doesn’t mean we can’t change it to be more adaptable to us, you included. 

If you can’t think of a reason to stop yourself from putting a bullet through your head, then make a reason. I suggest writing a list of what makes you feel happy. Whether it’s a stim, a sensory thing, a special interest, an event coming up, a food you like, whatever it is, as long as it’s not harming you or anyone else.  But I think the most important reason should be you. If you don’t kill yourself, you’ll be able to add to the advocacy and help sway others to listen. If you don’t kill yourself, you’ll be able to help yourself feel better and love yourself, which due to external forces (society, Autism $peaks, etc,.), I feel like it’s something a lot of us struggle with. 

Know that you’re not alone in this. 

I don’t know if any of that makes sense, but if you end up taking anything away from this, PLEASE DON’T KILL YOURSELF. 

Anyone else, feel free to answer it a bit more. And if I’m not getting the point, PLEASE let me know. :)

[filbobaggins]

Looking within - 02/11/21

My posts have slowed down recently. A little due to illness, A little due to a busy weekend and a little due to just not being sure what to write anymore. The truth is, I feel like I’m at the stage in my recovery now where I need to start looking within more, and as in therapy, taking the tools and knowledge I have been given and actually looking deeply at myself to see how I can apply it all. The truth is there is no one size fits all in mental health recovery and I feel like mine is getting more personal now as I find exactly what works for me as I come to understand myself better as a person.

This doesn’t mean I don’t have more to learn. Certainly I expect to learn more during the next few weeks of therapy and the one on one therapy which will hopefully be received afterwards where I can look even more specifically at myself. And I have been in the situation before where I felt I knew everything I needed to do to recover but I was so very wrong at that time. Mental health is complex and there’s so many different elements. I don’t have a specific diagnosis and in some ways I’m not entirely sure what exactly I suffer with. Panic disorder, General anxiety disorder, potentially even OCD (especially ROCD seemed to describe me far better than relationship anxiety in my last relationship), problems with perfectionism. Maybe even ADHD or to some degree autism (especially due to some of the autistic traits I showed as a kid). All of these relate to me and could describe me in some ways of varying degree and I think that’s okay. Trying to categorise mental illnesses is honestly difficult and so complex because we are all unique and affected by different things in different ways and what’s really important is just finding out who you are whether you need a label for that or not.

But yeah. For now I feel like I know a lot of the basics and anything more I might have to be taught or will take longer to learn. And I think I have shared a lot of the basics here. Maybe not a lot of the real fundamentals and so maybe I will cover those sometimes but many resources will cover that stuff better than me and I always want this blog to be somewhat personal and share things I specifically have realised or discovered and things that aren’t as easy to find or remember for myself. It can actually be frustrating feeling you know most things but you are still not better but I have talked about that before and I know that now I just need to start putting more things into action and really digging deep into myself. I feel close, honestly. It’s a good feeling.

But yeah, I’m still gonna post things and quite possibly I’ll receive a sudden burst of new inspiration and topics first. I’ve got lots of topics I’ve briefly mentioned that I want to share in more detail but those would require more specific planning whereas these daily entries tend to simply reflect how I am currently feeling and what I have been currently thinking about, often amalgamating a lots of different ideas and touching the surface of them all. I’m still gonna be sharing fun things, like DnD updates, book reviews, maybe some music, game reviews, some more views on the world and current events and I think I may even try my hand at a few short stories or poems. And I am gonna try to be regular in sharing what I think of too when I do think of it.

I suppose this entry was more of an update than any advice or anything but I hope you still gained something from it. More coming soon...

#positivity #mental health #anxiety #diary #update #recovery #sharing

[ast-heljar]

I think the thing I struggle with the most is impermanence and doubt. Whenever things are on the up and up, all those difficult things I was struggling with yesterday weren’t real or, at least, I over exaggerated them. Tomorrow I will struggle with something else and be devastated, probably, and all the good fortune I thought I saw only illusions.

I am probably the least objective person I know, and yet if I don’t try to maintain my own narrative people around me will write down all the wrong things. I am the unreliable narrator of my life, but I am the only one who can narrate. It feels like an incredibly impossible position to be in.

I’m sure a lot of stems from a history of being gaslit by various abusers and family unintentionally perpetuating cycles of abuse. I’m not really autistic, they say, but they also don't trust me to know how to behave professionally despite the fact that I consistently shine as a star of reliability and discretion in any professionally conducted work places. I obsess too much about being queer, never mind that I am in an openly queer relationship. Heavens forbid I enjoy content or events in media or life that target me specifically as an audience and not them. I’m over dramatic, I never have anything good to say about anything, my mental health isn’t really holding me back, but I’m also not allowed to take steps to improve my life or fill it with positive things. You can’t take care of yourself, they tell me, you live in the real world, welcome to adulthood! Funny, I thought adulthood is whatever I made of it, and that I more or less get decide things like how much sleep I get at night. You don’t struggle, you’re just lazy, but why don’t you ever ask for help when you need it? I mean, damned if I do and damned if I don’t, right? So fuck it. No one ever likes the decisions I make, but no one ever explained how to make the “right” decisions in the first place.

Its really no wonder that I have no idea what’s going on. I wish that knowing about this problem made it easier to deal with, but I don’t feel that it does in my own case. In the moment I feel however it is that I feel. When I am anxious or upset I may attempt to calm down if I can, using techniques I had to teach myself, but otherwise I just ride it out until it’s over. Feelings may be valid and all that, but they’re also exhausting, ya know?

I got a lot of good self therapy under my belt, but it’d be nice to have a cool therapist or some kind of support group, even an unofficial one, to help me navigate shit no one ever thought to prepare me for. To help lift me up and show me how to cope with problems people keep telling me that I don’t have. I’m struggling to remember that I am not a failure, I’m ill. I’ve got 2 anxiety disorders and a mood disorder. I also have to navigate two neurological disorders, chronic pain, a sleep disorder, an addiction in remission, and a full time job. I just don’t have time to develop hobbies or to go out and make friends. I can only afford to treat maybe four problems at once. It’s a vicious circle.

So I do a little crocheting, I play sudoku on my phone, surf tumblr and pinterest, play a small handful of video games, and dream about the rest. Sometimes I turn to spirituality. Loki and Hel have been very kind to me in the past. A hug and an open ear respectively. This too turns into it’s own spiral loop, tho, and sometimes I can’t imagine why either would be interested in a devotee like me.  What qualities could I possibly have that they’re interested in?  I’m not even interested in myself! But then I read the CVS receipt of my own issues and think, well, maybe it’s not about ranking myself as more or less worthy.

And we go around and around and around between bad and better and a stop here and a stop there....

[theaspiescribe]

Trans Pride (content warning)

The 28th of December marked the 5th anniversary of Leelah Alcorn’s death. 

Since it’s pride month I wanted to write a few words for Leelah, who if not for a transphobic world would still be here and living as she was always meant to be. When Leelah died, I wrote about her and how things needed to change.

If you’re unfamiliar, Leelah was a trans girl who lived with parents that harboured transphobic and regressive views. Her parents wouldn’t allow her to transition and instead sent her through the excruciating ordeal of conversion therapy. They made her life a living hell, merely because they couldn’t accept her true gender. Leelah felt desperately alone and struggled to see that things could get better for her. She knew exactly who she was and did find some love from her friends when she expressed to them who she was and when they respected her pronouns, but the rejection and hate from her family was so overwhelming that it no doubt would have been a tortuous existence to live every day. 

Leelah would often post on trans subreddits on Reddit. The internet was like a sanctuary for her at a time when it must have felt there was no escape from her transphobic parents, but it wasn’t enough, she needed this love in her real life and it was sorely lacking. It could have been different if she was given the love she deserved.

Leelah had a tremendous talent and she loved to sketch. Her potential was plain to see in the detailed drawings she posted on Reddit. I am convinced that if we lived in a world full of love she would now be a successful artist. 

Some of Leelah’s work:

I was deeply affected by Leelah’s story because I myself felt closeted and reading of how painful her life was, even after she embraced who she was, it was extremely demoralising. The sense of fear I had about being true to who I am had always been acute, but reading of how much Leelah suffered, it convinced me that it would be safer to keep how I felt private.

Leelah’s death sent me into a deep depression for the first few months of 2015. I became obsessed about trans issues, the scourge of prejudice we face and so angry about the injustice of being trans and living in a world where at best you were shown a few crumbs of acceptance and at worst you were abused, ignored, bullied and even killed. I felt so helpless and of course there was a part of me that doubted it would get better. When it’s dark, you desperately cling onto the hope that it can get better, but when you’re surrounded by the darkness each and every day, that voice gets a little weaker and weaker. 

I will always feel a close connection to Leelah, because it was through remembering her that I found my first internet friend, who was at a vigil in London. We have remained very close since and she is super supportive of trans people. I love her so very much and wouldn’t have made it to this point without her.

source

I want to pay tribute to the two black trans women, Riah Milton and Dominique Rem'mie Fells who were killed in the last two weeks. Riah was a home health aide and studied at the university of Cincinnati, she loved her family and the photos she shared of them. She had a love of traveling and wanted to see so many more places in the world. Dominique was very close to her mother and her close friend said of her ““She lived her truth so loud that you could hear her a mile away.” She had dreams of becoming a fashion designer and she loved to dance. 

The black trans community have suffered to an extent few of us will ever know of. They need our love not tomorrow, but today. The LGBTQ movement needs to ensure that trans people of colour are being recognised and listened to. 

My favourite trans author is Janet Mock, her impactful book Redefining Realness was incredibly meaningful to me during a time in my life when I was struggling to see many signs of hope. I read her book a few months after Leelah’s death and it was very therapeutic to read from an incredibly powerful trans woman who was telling her story to the world. It gave me cause to nurse the dream that things could be different. 

Words and actions matter. Transphobia like any prejudice is sustained by silence, I have faith that most cis people will stand up to love trans people and non-binary people but there’s always been a tendency for people to avoid standing up for marginalised communities because for a lot of people, they’re just not a priority and other things often take precedence.

Anytime that I see a cis person show their vehement passion for trans rights it makes me warm, because it helps me to see a world where trans people are valued and cared for, and where any hate is drowned out by the stronger force of love. When you have people so open in their love for trans and non-binary people it makes you believe that you will be loved for who you are. 

Since today, the 18th of June is autistic pride day I want to talk about my gender too. Over the last few months I have been working as hard as ever on my self-esteem in the hope that I can finally live as who I want to be. I have made mistakes, and there have been setbacks, but I have tried as hard as I can to get a little stronger every day. I have found the strength to write about my trauma, my mental illness and my pain and through that I feel as if I’ve emerged a much tougher and loving person. 

When I was in school I got called names like “f**”, “bender”, “girly” and a “wimp”. I wouldn’t describe it as bullying because it was never persistent but anytime I was true to myself it would inevitably invite scrutiny and hurtful remarks. I have always been quite feminine but I became so ashamed of that side of me that I would conceal it. 

I now feel enough love to say proudly that I am trans. I’ve known for a long time that I’m not a man. Part of the reason adolescence was so rough for me was because I was developing physical features that I didn’t want. I hated the powerlessness of it and being so lonely to have no one to tell. My BDD made me believe that I could never be my true self because how could I do makeup/hair and develop my own style if I hated to look at myself in the mirror. For a long time I became resigned to the idea that this would be life. 

But in the last two years, something within in me has changed. I have found my love for life again and the love for myself, I’m starting to really believe in a way that I haven’t before. This pandemic has been a time of intense worry for me because it feels as if the three rocks in my life, my Mam, Dad & dog Jack are all running out of time. Mam & Dad are in the at risk group and Jack’s age is starting to show. I have used this time to try and make something positive come from something incredibly scary and I’m starting to really believe that I can make it happen.

I am a strong person but I am afraid and I also am extremely fragile. My trauma has made me feel like I’m broken at the worst of times. But I don’t want to be trapped by it anymore. I want to be true to who I am, so, so badly. What I have discovered is that trying to get my life back on track will not work unless I embrace every aspect of myself. I don’t know when quarantine will end, but when it does, I will be ready; there is no turning back now.

This was a big step for me, but I couldn’t have made it this far without the help of some very special people. I need to say a few words because I’m so thankful:

To Aisling: We have become so very close in the last year. You have helped me become more open and hopeful. Few things bring me more joy than seeing you and your bros together and happy. 

To Ellie: You always know what to say. I am one hundred percent sure that I couldn’t have gotten this far without your kindness and compassion. You know how things were so you’ll understand why our friendship means everything. Could talk about anything anytime.

To Jordanne: Having an autistic friend that I can confide in about my worries and challenges means a lot. You are strong and your friendship makes me feel stronger. I will always be rooting for you.

To the precious two that have a splendid and ascendant radio show, thank you for making me see that I can be who I want to be. Love your style, sense of justice and how you’re both so strong & soft. Everything feels right when you’re together every Monday.

Somewhere out there, I hope Leelah is proud of me today. I hope someday we can make the world the place she wanted it to be. For trans people and non-binary everywhere.

https://marshap.org/about-mpji/

https://www.theokraproject.com/

#trans

[ileolai]

I’m a bit nervous about posting this, because it’s a big nerdy splurge about Doctor Who, and why it is so very important to me, and there is quite personal stuff in it that I have never posted publicly, but. It’s a little over a day out from the finale, and I can’t not talk about something that totally consumed me for seven years.

When I say personal stuff, I mean stuff like suicidal ideation and mental illness, so there’s a content warning.

I wish Steven Moffat, and everyone else who has poured their lovely hearts into making this show, could know what it has done for me.

I've found it somewhat difficult to pinpoint what my favourite episode of Moffat era Who should be. It puzzled me for quite a while. Not because there are no tremendously stellar episodes that stand above all the rest -- there are quite a few of those to pick over. In terms of actual writing skill, narrative cohesion, magnificent direction and all that pretentious stuff, it would have to be Heaven Sent. I could watch that episode over and over again until the heat death of the Universe. 

But I think my actual favourite episode, the one nearest and dearest to my little anarchist care bear heart, has to be The Beast Below. The one with the whale that was technically more up in space than it was below. I realize fandom consensus does not consider it the pinnacle of Moffat’s storytelling, but I don’t care. The ideas in that episode, and it is so full of lovely ideas, are what made me sit up and start paying attention to the potential this show had. 

Specifically, what got me was what it said about child abuse and neglect as an essential cog in the machine of fascism, or something. Which I had never, in my whole entire life, seen so earnestly articulated on TV before-- in a children’s television show-- with a goddamn whale. I can pinpoint that as the exact moment this show snatched me and hurled me, screaming, into fandom.

[Later, A Christmas Carol would draw big red underlines and exclamation points all around these ideas... that's my other favourite episode. But The Beast Below did it first and hooked me.] 

There’s more to it besides that, though. This is the deeply personal emotional context stuff.

So, here is something you may or may not know about the nerd creature that is me. I was quite homeless at the time The Beast Below aired. And I had nothing -- literally nothing, you see. I was in a totally unfamiliar city in a fairly unfamiliar country, post-psychotic break, post-marriage-engagement breakdown, and I was more alone than I'd ever been -- and I'd been your standard lonely friendless geek my whole life, being Autistic, and what have you. I had just escaped an incredibly abusive, toxic group of people upon realization they were not so much a group of friends, but a cult. Yes, an actual cult! I was in one of those. I was also very, very ill with an immune disorder. And the only member of my family who ever accepted me, the only one actually still talking to me after I gave my narcissistic rage monster mother the finger, had just died of cancer.  This had all occurred across the space of, oh... one year? Almost entirely within 2009, leading into 2010. I was a wreck. And if you piled all this nonsense on a fictional character all at once, I'd probably say you were being gratuitous and change the channel. I was too miserable to even know how miserable I was-- just sort of wandering around in a dissociated haze, surviving entirely by the instincts of my autonomic nervous system. A good friend of mine described it to me later as ''you were sort of frozen'', and she was right. So. I downloaded the space whale episode over a wi-fi connection, illegally, on an ancient computer, in a library [haha how appropriate is that?] because I quite liked all the other Doctor Whos I had seen before, and this new writer fella had done Press Gang, a fond highlight of my otherwise wretched childhood. 

I watched Amy Pond and the Doctor cavorting around dystopian space Britain, having casual conversations about the nature of fascism, in a show marketed to 10 year olds. My sad little eyes pressed right up to the computer screen, irradiating my retinas, and I whispered: ''I've waited 20 years for My Show, and someone finally wrote it. It even has a mad ginger immigrant in it, and she's me. The Universe made this just for me.''

It also had a whale, and the whale was in space. 

And that is how I was propelled into my seven year character arc, my precious nerds. Because this show, from series 5 onwards, has done more for me than anything else on the planet. And I don't care how ridiculous it sounds to attribute my self-actualization to a goofy TV show about loveable alien miscreants saving space whales, because it's true. It took a while, but I learned what I actually value and what actually properly matters to me through this show. Or rather, I re-learned it, because I'd become so lost chasing approval and moulding myself to other people's perceptions to withstand their abuse, I didn't know what I was anymore. 

This show, and this goddamn fandom, helped me pull all the chopped up little bits of me back together more than any therapy or self-help nonsense I had tried. I went back to university and got serious about doing actual work, in part, because ''we're all just stories in the end... make it a good one.'' kept looping in my brain. It made me determined that my life could never be summed up with a single sentence like: ''He was sad and boring, and he wasted away in his apartment -- achieving nothing, leaving no trace''. 

[I still don’t get out much, to be honest. But I’m trying. At the very least, my epic marathon through 500 wildly divergent university degrees says something, yes? Maybe I can set the official record for ‘’the world’s most reluctant to graduate student’’.] 

Anyway. This show, this fandom... gave me so much. It gave me my voice as a creator of things, as a writer, and an analyzer, and it gave me people like me, real and fictional, people I didn’t even know existed anywhere. 

And you know…. this is heavy stuff again-- but it honestly gave me the motivation to get through to another weekend sometimes, when I was apathetic enough and in enough physical pain to contemplate not doing that. It really did. I didn't want to miss an episode of Doctor bloody Who, arthritis and schizophrenia and poverty be damned, and that kept me here. There were points, where one of the few things that restrained me from taking a decisive dose of Oxycontin, was River Song's storyline. I'm serious. And as shameful as that probably is, it's still better than being dead, and not getting to watch Doctor Who anymore. 

Cuz Doctor Who had a whale in it, right? A great big pink whale filled with benevolent intentions, and it was in space, and everybody hugged at the end, on top of the whale, after overthrowing the government! Moffat Who came out of the gate telling ten year olds ‘’OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT’’! I needed that with all my aching nerd heart. The Universe made it for me.

And then they put queer characters in it, and mentally ill characters, and abuse survivors, like me, and it valued them, and it valued children. And then there was River Song, and hugs, and self acceptance, and found families, and sparkles all around, and Bill Potts. And a big Jungian tapestry of meta and mythology. Just for me. There was nothing else on TV like it.

So now here we are, the eve of the final episode of series 10, which I have slobbered and fawned over almost as much as series 5, the one that grabbed me. And... I’m kind of terrified, to be honest. Because all the connections I made here, are so tied up in this show, and talking about this show, and picking apart this specific era of the show... I’m afraid I won't have anything to talk about anymore? and I'll drift apart from my friends, and…. never have something quite like this lovely little hive of internet debauchery and meta and space whales ever again. 

That actually scares me so much. Some of you have been here nearly a whole seven years, longer than almost anyone else in my life, apart from my husband, and I am grateful the vast and mysterious machinations of the Universe dumped us all together in the seething hell-pit of fandom. Those of you who have not yet run screaming into the night from my 957 daily posts about Doctor Who... you don't know how much you have helped me, and brighten my day, just by existing.

Yes, even Proton, who is old, and frequently incorrect, and a cyborg. And Elisi, who speaks utter nonsense that confuses my head. Really. I know my primary method of interacting with people is emphatically, and tactlessly, listing every single way they are wrong about things, but I do occassionally have actual emotions like ‘’appreciation’’. 

Do not worry, though. This audaciously out-of-character display of sincerity will now be deleted from your memory. 

Gone? Good. 

So it's been seven wonderful transformative years for me, and the Doctor Who they made just for lil gay anarchist crazy pants care-bear me is ending forever soon. I mean... there will always be Doctor Who, and it will always be Doctor Who, of course. It will be there at the heat death of the Universe, while I’m still salivating over the utter perfection of Heaven Sent. And a sentient gas cloud in a jar will be running it, or something-- because the show has gained its own level of quasi-sentience, furiously transcended all sensible laws of television, and refuses to die.

But the Moffat era came into my life right when I needed it, and it changed me, and I can’t imagine any other era can be that personal to me. It won’t be my Doctor Who anymore. 

Steven Moffat doesn’t know I exist, and yet, has tormented my televisual experiences since I could barely even comprehend television. I have him to thank for two glorious book-ends to my childhood and adolescence: Press Gang, and Doctor Who. Thank you so much, Moffat, you scheming Scottish bastard. Thank you for everything. 

I don’t think I would be the sort of person I am now without this damn show, it’s fandom, and its unapologetic, space whale flavoured idealism. I honestly just wouldn’t be.

#doctor who #steven moffat #moffat appreciation #mental illness

[droppingtheaspiemask-blog]

Self Diagnosis Vs Professional Diagnosis and why not taking a side is the only logical route

So, I’ve only been on Tumblr a few days but I’ve noticed a lot of virtue signalling. One thing I’ve seen the flag waved about is Autism Diagnosis. A lot of people virtue signalling that only a professional diagnosis is valid, and a lot arguing that a self diagnosis is valid. And I’ve seen some posts naming a blog safe for self diagnosis.

I am not going to name my blog such. Nor am I going to name it an anti-self diagnosis space. Namely, my blog, and myself, don’t care. Your diagnosis is irrelevant to me. My purpose with this blog is to use Tumblr as a medium and a channel through which I can slowly drop the mask that most Autistic people adopt to survive in society. A way to facilitate my transition from the person I pretend to be to who I really am. My own family doesn’t know who I really am, only my wife does, and this is not a life style I wish to continue. The lie has become too complex, the mask too heavy, the burden too much to bear. I am exhausted and tired and therefore wish to be who I am. And not who the world wants me to be.

Which brings me to the point. This blog will be a place where I answer questions, and also offer advice on surviving with Autism. On getting through life, on turning Autism into your advantage rather than a stigma. I will be relating my life, my challenges, how I got to where I am, and I fail to see how a professional or self diagnosis effects that.

We’ve all grown up with the stigma. The bullying. The ridicule. “You’re not Autistic, you can talk. You’re normal.” “You seem so normal, you can’t really be Autistic. You must only be a little Autistic.” When I was a child, I just wanted someone like me to help guide me through it. To show me a better way. To show me how to self stimulate without attracting attention, how to be more social, how to make friends. I would think that this, that guiding other people with Autism, that helping to make the lives of other Autistics better, would be a more admirable goal than rooting out who is or is not Autistic.

Now, onto the debate and why I believe it to be unwinnable for either side. Allowing self diagnosis to run rampant is a risk. A large one. As is often pointed out by the anti self diagnosis side, self diagnosing yourself as Autistic and representing yourself as such without actually being autistic can damage the Autistic community. You could misrepresent us, you could perpetuate stigmas and myths. 

Furthermore, there does seem to be a small faction of people who find it trendy to have some mental illness or another. This is troubling for a number of reasons, namely because my struggle is not trendy. I feel like victim status is something of a currency in certain groups, where the person with more issues and struggles in life has the most valid opinion. These groups are disgusting. 

But, on the other hand, I think dismissing self diagnosis outright is a mistake, and a trap we must not allow ourselves to fall into. A common line against self diagnosis is that ‘You’re not a doctor, you can’t diagnose yourself with Autism. You’re not Autistic.’

Well how do you know? You’re not a doctor either, so for all you know you’re telling an Autistic person they’re not Autistic merely on the basis of their lack of an official diagnosis. The diagnosis only says what’s already there, thus lacking a diagnosis does not mean it’s not there. Just because your brain aneurysm hasn’t been diagnosed doesn’t mean it won’t burst and kill you. And furthermore, the idea that every self diagnosed person is simply looking to be part of a trend or gain points is harmful. Many self diagnosed people are just looking for help. Looking to understand themselves, to better understand their condition and how they can get by in the real world.

Thus, we come to a point where most people choose a side, and looking at the face value of each side they both have merit. But to approach the issue logically, we need to decide how we view self diagnosed persons. A lot of people take a hard line that it’s valid or invalid. That self diagnosed people are in fact Autistic, or that they just aren’t. 

I find the only logical way to view the issue is similar to Schrodinger’s cat. For those who don’t know, Schrodinger’s cat is an old thought experiment or paradox, in which a cat is placed in a metal box with a Geiger counter and a radioactive isotope. The cat is left in the box for one hour. If the isotope decays within that hour, a mechanism is triggered which releases poison. If it doesn’t, the cat is fine. But because we don’t know if the atom decays or not, we have no way, upon that hour mark, to know if the cat is alive or dead. Until we open the box, the cat can be seen as both alive and dead.

Likewise, until seen by a professional, a self diagnosed Autistic person can be seen as both Autistic and Allistic. We just don’t know. We have no way of knowing. And to make a decree, to state one way or the other that they are or are not Autistic is to act on evidence that isn’t available to you. It’s to make a conclusion not based on logic or reasoning but emotionality. And on the whole a worthless effort. The entire argument contributes nothing useful.

Instead, I say that I am not going to concern myself with the source of a diagnosis, professional or not. If you are Autistic, and you need advice, or simply want to talk, I am available to you. I’m not going to engage in the sophistry surrounding this debate, and I refuse to take a side. I am simply finding my way to dropping my mask, and am offering stories and advice to help other Autistic people who are struggling and need to hear that they’re not alone. Need to hear that someone else has been in the same shadow they’ve been in, and emerged to see the light shine once again.

To self diagnosed Autistics, I only say that if you can, there are benefits to an official diagnosis, resources you have available to you. And they can be helpful. But there are also risks, many therapies that are just barbaric. I myself was subjected to the quiet hands crap for some time.I understand that some doctors and families truly are damaging. They don’t want to help, they want to fix. Some of my doctors and my family viewed me as a lump of metal to be hammered into shape. But there are some who do genuinely want to help. I found Sensory Integration Therapy to be quite productive in terms of learning to navigate my sensory processing disorder. So sometimes it can help, and as long as you’re careful and informed, getting a diagnosis would be to your benefit. But it is your life to live, and I encourage you to live it as you will. Just because I was diagnosed professionally does not mean a self diagnosed Autistic Person can’t benefit from my experience.

#autism #autism activism #autistic community #self diagnosed autism