#ill put the playlist of songs i used for the texts in the replies

[baekluvie]

obsession | chapter 6

pairing: reader x baekhyun

word count: 13k

genre: yandere au | this is heavily inspired by the show 'you'

tag list: @mayboy @vishary15 @greasywall @loversmantra @cityexos @kavvs @prettyboybaek @byunds

(let me know if you want to be tagged ^^)

warnings for this chapter: murder, mental illness(s), mention of death(s), implied violence, violence, manipulation, mature language, obsessiveness

do not read if: you are triggered by any of the warnings i listed prior. this fic will contain this theme throughout the chapters. if you are not comfortable with that; please skip this post. please remember this is a work of fiction.

viewer discretion is advised

playlist for this chapter:

space song - chanyeol's pov

ylang ylang - chanyeol's pov

heather - junmyeon's pov (this song fits perfectly for junmyeon in this im crying)

doin' time - baekhyun pov

blood // water - baekhyun pov

(a/n): this chapter is waaaay longer than i planned it to be. but nonetheless it was very fun to write. a little evil i won't lie lol. but THIS means i won't be ending it anytime soon, there's so much i need to unfold to you guys hehe. but i hope you guys enjoy this and don't hate me too much for it. love u guys. like always, replies are open. please send me messages, requests, your thoughts! always appreciated! reblog and like as it really helps me out. have fun reading!

Chanyeol POV

He didn't have any motivation to get up. He wanted to simply stay in bed, sulk and complain to himself that he put himself in the situation; there was no going back from any of it. But instead, on a well deserved day off, he was shaken from his dark thoughts with the sound of his phone going off. Chanyeol grunted as he moved his body to lay on his side, facing the bedside drawer next to his bed. He watched as his phone began to light up in the dark room, the only source of light coming from the windows, broadcasting beautiful Seoul within his sight. He could never complain about the view, the tall buildings never seeming to end, the way the horizon broke through the bland identical towers; furthermore proving just how successful he was, living in his own loft in one of the most expensive areas around. 

So he grudgingly picked up his phone, his eyes squinting from the brightness. He lets his fingers trace some of the scratches that were on the screen, doing so while he read the multiple messages he was receiving. 

(4 New Messages)

(7 New Messages)

(8 New Messages)-

"Fuck, I get it." He opened up his phone lockscreen, bringing him to the plethora of texts. 

We need to talk. 

I'm kind of freaked out man 

Like 

what the fuck 

Jun is fucking pissed

did you know that?

i don't want to deal with his depressed ass  

are u up 

r u jacking off 

Instead of just replying back, Chanyeol pressed the contact profile and brought his device to his ear. He yawned, stretching out his long limbs on his white bedsheets. This wasn't exactly anything new to him, in fact, he was honestly used to it at this point. Especially when it came to... well, him. 

"Dude?" 

"What, Sehun." 

"Did you read my texts?" 

"Do you think I'd be calling you on my day off if I didn't?" He scoffed. 

Sehun laughs on his end, making Chanyeol break into a smile as well. 

"We have to meet up. Like anywhere. I don't care. But we need to talk about-" 

Chanyeol suddenly feels flushed, his heart drops, not wanting to even hear the name. 

"No. I don't want to talk about him. I'm done with him." 

He bundles a fistful of sheets in his grasp, his teeth already gritting together. The dull reminder of his last encounter with Baekhyun is still evident in his features. Chanyeol could talk about anything else; anyone else. But even so, in the back of his head, he knew that he could never really escape his best friend. Like he was dreading moments earlier, the truth, moreso, he could never go back. He bites his bottom lip, looking up angrily to his ceiling. 

Sehun doesn't say anything, his breath coming out in ragged breaths. 

Chanyeol's eyebrow raises, frustration building in his chest. 

"What the fuck is it?" 

"Well you said not to talk about him-" 

"Yeah well, it seems like this matter won't be solved if I'm not involved so I don't think I have a fucking choice, huh?" 

"It's about Y/N." 

Chanyeol sits up abruptly as he grips the phone tighter. 

"What about her?" 

"Please... not on the phone. I'm too freaked out by him, dude. He could be listening or something." 

"Sehun, he's not that fucking smart. Don't give him credit for something he can't even do." 

"He might not be that smart, yeah. But he has connections, man. Why don't I just come over?" 

And that's how Chanyeol ended up on his day off; sitting in his living room with his black robe on; drinking some coffee as Sehun poured out everything that had occured a couple days prior. 

"Baekhyun... you have to stop him, Chanyeol. He changed Y/N. I don't even know how- but dude. She's not answering any of my texts- my calls. She always lets me know how she's doing. This is completely out of character." 

Sehun ran his hand through his quiffed up hair, shaking his head slightly as his eyes tore into Chanyeol's. They were bloodshot, dark circles sprinkled underneath them. Sehun was young, just a fucking kid. He shouldn't have to be worrying about someone, he already has enough to deal with; a stressful job, debt, and now another thing to pile on top of that... Chanyeol was afraid he was going to break if he didn't do something. 

He sighed to himself as he placed his coffee mug on the glass table in front of his couch. He notices how Sehun's was left untouched, the steam no longer pouring from the rim. He lets his body rest in the cushions, crossing his arms together as his eyebrows furrowed together. 

"So you're telling me that Baekhyun killed someone- again. This isn't anything new, Sehun. What do you want me to do about a case that's already been reviewed and written off as a suicide?" His foot taps against the floorboards quickly. 

Sehun shrugs, scratching his arm and looking around skittishly. 

"I- I don't know. I feel like there's something different about it this time around. Y/N covered for him. She looked off, there was blood on her too." 

This piqued his interest. He leaned into the conversation, his hands clasping together. 

"She had blood on her? What, so... what are you trying to say? That Y/N killed her?" 

The younger one licked his lips, diverting his attention to his abandoned coffee. 

"I don't want to assume-" 

Chanyeol grabbed his mug and threw it across the living room, the sound of it crashing against the wall echoing in the empty loft. Sehun squirmed in his seat, wincing as Chanyeol walked up to him and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. He turns his head to the side as his lips curl up, a quiet sob escaping from his throat. Chanyeol shook him, tightening his firm grasp on the other's shirt, making him look directly at him. 

His own nose was flaring, his teeth grinding against another, the only emotion he felt was complete, and utter desperation. He needed to know what this could actually be about; if it was true, and God, he really hoped that it wouldn't be, so he could possibly save you. He wished someone could have saved him when he got interloped with Baekhyun. 

"No games, Sehun. I'm being fucking serious. If you think that she was capable of doing that- you need to fucking tell me." 

His words came out like bullets, firing each and every single one into Sehun's head. When he still doesn't say anything, Chanyeol yells at him, spit flying in multiple directions. He lets go of him, pushing him back on the chair he was sitting in before. He turns his back to him, bringing his hand to cover his mouth, holding onto his lips as he looks around in anger. Sehun's sobs were getting on his nerves, but not because it was annoying; because Chanyeol knew that they were a submission of guilt, the truth. Sehun knew that you were the one who did the heinous crime, he just didn't want to believe it. Chanyeol was used to the never ending cycle of Baekhyun's killings, fuck, he would be nervous if he wasn't calling him in the middle of the night to help him dispose of a body. But Sehun wasn't like him, he wasn't able to confront the truth like Chanyeol could. He was too innocent, he couldn't grasp the understanding of someone killing another just because.

"I- I don't want her to get in trouble, Chan. You have to understand-" 

He spins around, rushing forward toward Sehun, getting down on his knees and holding the other's legs. The poor kid was a wreck, his lips formed into a pout, tears drenching his cheeks, his nose a shade of red. He tries to relax his features, his voice hitching as he speaks to him slowly. 

"If she did this, we can't let her do it again. You have to understand Sehun." 

He shook his head, putting his own hands over Chanyeol's, his knuckles a shade of white. 

"No, please. She can't go to jail, she's just confused- he's fucking maniuplating her. We just need to kill him-" 

Chanyeol lets his head dangle down, a broken chuckle leaving his lips. 

Sehun shakes him a little, his frazzled state becoming overwhelmed at this point. 

"Chanyeol- we- we can do this. We can get away with it. I've thought about it-"

Chanyeol doesn't bring his head up as he cuts him off. 

"We'd be no better than him. Don't you get it?" 

A beat. 

He looks back up with a heartfelt smile, a single tear falling from his eye. 

"In everything, he wins. He will always win." 

Sehun gapes at him, his tears falling on Chanyeol's hands. He purses his lips together, shaking his head. He pushes himself off the chair, grabbing his phone that was left on the table, pausing to look down at Chanyeol. He was frozen in place still, his knees scraping across the floor, still staring at the empty space that once held another body. 

"If you won't help me kill him, I'll do it myself." 

He starts to walk out, freezing as his hand reaches the doorknob. Chanyeol turns his head then, staring at the back of his friend; his brother. His lip trembles as he blinks back more tears, his vision of him becoming blurry. 

"Sehun. Please. Don't."

"You know. I always looked up to you. You were always so composed, so... unreachable. I always felt like I was close to you though. You're so admirable, Chan. I think that's why I liked you so much, why I wanted to be a part of your life. But now," He turns back to look at Chanyeol, his eyes red as he hesitates. 

"You're nothing to me. I will never be what Baekhyun is to you. And in some, twisted way, you're worse than him. Because I know if I asked Baekhyun; if you, were the one fucking killing innocent women, he would do it without me convincing him. Do you know why? Because that's what friends do. And you're no fucking friend." 

Chanyeol lets out a foreign, uncontrolled crack of his voice. He reaches his hand out to Sehun, crawling towards him as he begins to cry. 

"Please, you have to understand-" 

Sehun opens the door, standing in the doorframe, back once again turned to face Chanyeol. 

"You can't even be loyal to something as small as your best friend." 

And that hits Chanyeol right in the heart. He pauses his movements, his nose congested, his chest tight. The same words his own father distastefully instilled in him over and over again. It was back; the haunting feeling of being nothing but the shadow of his father. The same man who didn't care for his own family, his friends. He was truly, and utterly, exactly like him. 

Everything he worked so hard for, it was all for nothing. He never wanted to be like the man who brought him into this world, but as he watched Sehun's silhouette disappear from his sight, he knew that it was over. 

He starts to laugh now, the dreadful noise bouncing off the walls. His body hits the floor, and he brings his knees up to his chest, circling his arms around them. His tall frame shakes as his laughter shakes his entire being. 

"Like father, like son." He whispers to himself. 

Junmyeons' POV

"Hello?" 

Junmyeon sat at his desk, plucking through some documents that were placed in front of him moments prior. He licks his indent finger, thumbing through a flurry of white papers, his eyes skimming the words quickly. He pauses his actions as he hears the recognizable voice on the other end of the line, relaxing in his chair and smiling. 

"You okay? I can't talk for long, I'm swamped in a burglary case-"

"I really need to talk to you right now. In private." 

He clicks his tongue, looking at the workload he was about to dive into. His fingers drum against the desk, he brings his left arm up to examine his watch. He was expected elsewhere on his lunch break, but the immediate worry in his friend's voice alarmed him. 

"How important can it be, Sehun?" 

"Too important. Can you meet me or not?" 

Junmyeon frowns. 

"I was actually planning on meeting Y/N at a cafe nearby the station. You could accompany us if you want?" 

Sehun's voice hitched to a different octave, and Junmyeon sits up in his chair, absentmindedly looking off with a concerned expression. 

"T-that's fine. It's better actually. Can you maybe go on your break now?" 

Junmyeon lowers his voice to a whisper, his eyes flickering outside his office, watching his staff behind their own desks typing away. 

"What is this about, Sehun?" 

"I'm going to tell the truth." 

Junmyeon covers his mouth, feeling both unsure and nervous. 

"The truth?" 

"I can't say anything else on the phone. Just trust me. You're going to want to hear this." 

He doesn't say anything else to Sehun, bringing the phone away from his ear and clicking the end button. He sets his device face down on the desk, pushing himself away from the dilemma he knew was unfolding. His eyes go back to the sight of people working, his lips puckering as his mood soured. He got up from his seat, taking long strides to his window, bringing his hand to close the blinds. 

Once the blinds were completely closed, he turned around to face the full length windows on the other side of the room, letting the warmth of the sun absorb into his skin. He sighs as he walks towards them, his eyes watching as cars zoomed by on the street, a couple walking hand in hand together. His lips tighten together to form a stubborn frown, his arms behind his back, hands clasped together. He starts to think about his encounter with Baekhyun. He ponders on him, remembering his scent, the small details of blood underneath his fingernails. He feels his lip twitch as he can almost smell the disgusting stench of death on him; and yet how another human being can simply dismiss it, be almost accustomed to it, could talk so carelessly. 

He then remembers seeing you. A small hiccup of his heartbeat pounding against his chest startles him. He almost feels embarrassed, and he coughs to regain his thoughts. You were overflowing with anxiety that night, the strucken nerves you displayed filled to the brim and threatening to topple over. He could never forget that, most importantly since you have never been like that in front of him. You were always able to talk to him with the utmost confidence, and that was something he admired about you. Most of his employees were too nervous to even look him in the eye. 

But you? 

You got under his skin, interrupted his thoughts. You didn't care for his position of power, in fact you challenged it. He brushed it aside as being proud of you. You were another person who exchanged the same morals as him, the same mindset. You were a person who didn't let any obstacle stand in your way... you stood for what was right. And somehow along the way, he forgot you were his subordinate. That you weren't just someone he was able to chat and get some drinks with. The undeniable feeling that you were different from other women, you were yourself. 

And your own self was captured by him. 

He didn't know exactly when this exact feeling arose in him. He could probably pinpoint one memory, something that he replayed in his mind when work was beginning to become too much for him. He smiles at the sky, reminiscing. 

After a long shift, the two of you decided to go get some drinks. 

"I told you I would get them. And here you were, not believing in me. I'm hurt." 

You sat next to him at the bar, three shot glasses in front of both of you. You had shoved him with your left arm softly, and Junmyeon could already feel his face warming up from the last shot he gulped down his throat. He shook his head, hissing from the bitter taste of vodka left on his taste buds. He chuckles to himself, raising his hand to the bartender, issuing another round of shots. 

You tilted your head to look at him, and Junmyeon cocked his to match. Your cheeks were probably a brighter red than his, your skin glowing. Small lines crinkling next to your eyes appear, and you break out into a large smile. 

"What? Not going to say anything to that? Come on, you have to fight back!" 

He tossed his hands up, smirking. 

"What can I say? You were right. I shouldn't have doubted you." 

You nod, giggling to yourself. The small clear shot glasses are placed in front of them, and Junmyeon grabs it without hesitation. You followed suit, spinning your chair so you were facing him fully. You raise the disgusting poison that would fill your bodies up, waiting for him to do so as well. He gave in, shaking his head and closing his eyes. He suddenly feels your hand on his cheek, and that makes his eyes shoot up to meet yours. He freezes in that moment, fully taking in how the wind blew your hair to the right. You were shaking your head as you laughed, your eyes twinkling like the stars in the sky. 

But Junmyeon thought they couldn't really compare to them anyways. 

His clouded mind doesn't even register what you were saying, so he has to ask you again what you had said. 

You blinked at him, not breaking the smile on your face. 

"I said, thank you for being in my life. You're the best thing to come out of this job, I finally found someone that makes police work something to get out of bed for. I'm happy I can come in and see you in your office. What makes me even happier is knowing that I'll always be by your side." 

He stutters a bit, blinking rapidly, becoming too self aware of his heart beating out of his chest. 

"T-true that." 

You give him a disgusted look then, bringing the shot to your lips and tilting your head back. A small yelp escapes your lips after you gulp down the liquid, closing your eyes as you shake from side to side. 

"Don't ever say that again. You sound like my dad trying to be hip." 

"Hey! Don't compare me to your dad. It's gross." He rolls his eyes as he copies you, feeling lightheaded as he slams the cup on the table. 

There was an awkward silence for a couple of minutes before he mustered up the confidence to speak again. 

"I'm happy too." 

You look at him, your eyelids drooping down as you smack your lips together drunkley. 

"Huh?" 

He bites his tongue, almost doesn't want to finish what he wanted to say. But with the alcohol in his system, he shakes away the alarms ringing in his head and lets the truth flow from his dry lips. 

"I mean... I'm happy you're in my life. You're quite possibly the best person I've met. I think you're great, you- you're amazing. I want to be the person you can talk to about anything, I want to be there for you when you feel like everyone is against you. I can be that guy that you can call in the middle of the night when you had a fucking nightmare, I- I don't know. You're different." 

Your eyes widen at that, your expression that was onced filled with happiness was replaced with one of curiosity. The way you stared at him made him feel like a creep, and even though you wouldn't be able to notice it through his already red face, a blush sneakily creeped in. He waved his hands off, shaking his head as he laughed it off. 

"Nevermind. I'm drunk. You should probably get home." 

He grabbed his black jacket that was draped around the chair he sat on, reaching for your hand to usher you out with him. You take it gently, and Junmyeon doesn't miss how you had continued to stare at him, not even when you both stepped into the street and began to walk into the night. 

He brings the both of you to a halt when you reach your car. You rubbed your hands over your arms, obviously cold from the chilly night. He raises his eyebrow at you, pursing his lips. 

"Are you cold?" 

You shake your head as you stumble in place, laughing. 

"I'll be fine. I've got thick skin." 

He shakes his head as well, taking off his jacket and wrapping it around your shoulders. You look at him as he adjusts it over your small frame, and he smiles as he takes a step back to get a good look at you. He lets out a snort, his teeth fully broadcasted to you. You squirm as you fit your arms into the sleeves, looking down as they fully sink in. Junmyeon laughs at the sight, the way your hands aren't even visible once the garment settles on your body. 

"I knew you were small but not that small." 

You stick out your tongue, flinging the extra fabric towards him, giggling as he dodges it. 

"Well, I guess I should get going." 

Junmyeon frowns. 

"You're not driving." 

Your eyebrows hitch up. 

"How am I getting home then?" 

He brings his finger up as he reaches in his pocket, bringing out his phone. He brings up the familiar number to a cab service he could almost memorize at this point; too used to calling them when he got too drunk himself. 

With a quick explanation to where they were at, he slips it back into his slack's pocket. He then fishes out his wallet while you stare at him, still flinging the ends of the sleeves from side to side. He takes out a couple of bills, then walked towards you and stretched his hand out. You looked down at it, then back up at him. 

"I could just call Kyungsoo to pick me up. I'd feel bad about taking your money." 

You barely whisper out. 

He shakes his head, his eyes resting on your lips for a mere second. 

"Don't do that. I can take care of you." 

He didn't mean for that to come out so sensually, it just felt normal in this moment to speak to you like that. Maybe it was because he was drunk, the way he simply didn't care. You didn't say a word as you took the money from his palm, and maybe Junmyeon imagined it, but your fingers stayed a second longer on his. 

You took a step forward, looking up at him. Your features softened, a gentle smile delivered straight to his heart. 

"Thank you, Myeonnie." 

He could feel the warmth radiating off your body, the way the both of you were so close to one another. So he offers his own smile, nodding his head. He coughs to break the tension he was feeling, and your smile falters then. He turns around, dipping his head to look in both directions of the street. He waits until he spots a pair of headlights tumbling down the narrow road, and he waves his hand in the air. 

He watches as you walk next to the vehicle, your hand reaching the handle. You suddenly pause, and Junmyeon looks at your stilled body in confusion. Before he could register anything else, he feels your arms wrap around his waist, pulling him into your embrace. He doesn't know what to do with his hands, just keeps them at bay on either side of his torso. The man in the cab looks at him questiongly, then flashes him a toothy grin. He mimics hugging someone, then points at him to do the same. 

"When someone hugs you... you hug 'em back." You slurred against his chest. 

Your words vibrated against his skin, and he's worried that you would feel just how fast his heart was pumping. So he rashfully swings his arms around you as well, pulling you in tighter. He rests his head on top of yours, bringing his right hand to comb your hair. His nose catches the scent of lavender, and he closes his eyes, taking it in. He wasn't weird, not at all. Employees can hug. They could definitely enjoy the smell of their shampoo too; especially since it was probably a great brand. Yeah, that was it. He just was entranced by whatever product you used... not you. Couldn't be. 

You pulled back from him, your arms disappearing from his waist. He almost wanted to pull you back in, but he knew anything more than that could be worse for him. So he doesn't say anything else when you finally get inside the car. He waves you off, watching your face brighten as you wave excidelty back. He shoves his hands in his pockets, the red tail lights staining his face, morphing the evidence of the reddish hue of a blush. 

"I can't wait to see you tomorrow." He breathes out heavily into the night. 

He replays you saying the nickname you gave him repeatedly in his head, smiling to himself as he sinks into his car. He remembers thumping his fingers tirelessly against the wheel, his head resting against the carseat. He fell asleep in his vehicle that night. It was the best sleep he had ever gotten in his entire life. 

And he had a great fucking mattress at home. 

But for some reason the stiff and uncomfortable leather wasn't that bad. He wouldn't mind a bad back if it meant that he was able to see you. Junmyeon-

"Junmyeon?" 

He snaps back into reality, his eyes focusing on what was once a bright blue sky, now overcast with gray clouds, leaving the city to be shadowed by the rainy weather. He turns around, making sure to keep his composure; not letting his wandering thoughts display on his face. It was Jisoo, Y/N's assistant. She bowed, flattening down her navy blue skirt. 

"Your phone has been going off, sir. Y/N left me a message to let you know she was trying to get in touch with you." 

He nodded, then waved her off. She closes the door behind her, and Junmyeon rushes over to his desk, hurriedly picking up his phone. He opens up his text message inbox and clicks over your contact. 

hey, sehun let me know he's coming. did you know that? 

he also said we'd be meeting sooner than we planned. 2:30? 

see you soon, :) 

He sighs, letting his fingers roam through his hair. He brings his watch up again, 2:00. 

"Fuck you, Sehun." 

-

Junmyeon let everyone know that he'd most likely be back later, and to his approval, no one fought him on it. As he drove to the cafe, he thought about how you would have angrily combated him, probably stomping your feet as you whined about him being behind on his work. He missed having you in the office; and that was the main reason he asked you to meet him today. Sure, the station was well run on his watch, but he needed the stability for himself back. Which mainly came from you; keeping him on his toes and breathing down his back 24/7. 

He wouldn't lie to himself. He was nervous texting you. The two of you hadn't spoken that much, especially when he had issued for you to go on an extended leave. Sure, he had seen you at the crime scene and chatted, but there was an obvious piece of shit glued right by your side. It didn't feel the same. 

You didn't feel the same. 

He parked his car, running over his appearance in the rearview mirror. He looked beat, but that was mostly because he hadn't been sleeping well. He hated to admit it, but most of his nights consisted of thinking about Baekhyun. The chilling looks he gave him... the way he spoke to him like he was beneath him. Obviously, it didn't faze him in the slightest, he was used to seeing deadbeat criminals on an everyday basis. Not that he was a criminal, but, the aura he radiated was one of them, most precisely. The man was off. 

He wasn't like anyone he met before. 

But there was something that Junmyeon recognized. 

He could recognize it so well. It was like reading a book, the way Baekhyun was able to cover his emotions so delicately, so routinely. He did it himself. The mask of mystery was something he prided himself in, especially when it came to his own feelings towards you. He was able to contain his anger, fester it inside of him and let it diminish whenever he commanded it to. Except when it came to Baekhyun. 

"Get him out of your head." He sternly told himself. 

He was there to see you. Not Baekhyun. 

There wasn't any reason for him to think about your... boyfriend. Which- that was still getting some used to on Junmyeon's part. He didn't understand it, and couldn't accept it. The whole arrangement seemed too forced, even seemed too perfect. Two people who had the unfortunate burden of their significant others passing away. What a tragic way to tell people how you met. 

He stepped out of his car, locking it behind him as he ventured towards the cafe he had recommended. He pulled the collar of his jacket out, the same jacket that he adorned on you the night you both had gotten drinks. Junmyeon turned the corner, his Hermès black loafers clacking against the pavement. His sight lands on the back of his friend; Sehun. 

He stood outside the cafe, looking down at his phone. Junmyeon covers both sides of his mouth with his hands, yelling out his name. The younger man perks his head up, looking in the direction of his name being called. He immediately lets his shoulders drop, Junmyeon taking into account that his stress levels must be high. Once he's at arm's length, he pulls him into a tight hug. Sehun grabs onto him tightly, and Junmyeon has to question again just what this could be about. 

They pull apart, and he notices that his friend's eyes are puffy. 

"Are you okay? You look like you've been crying." 

Sehun looks away, patting his eyes with his hands. His chuckle sounds strained, 

"Yeah, yeah. Don't need to point it out." 

Junmyeon puts his hand on his shoulder, rubbing small circles into it. He feels tense. 

"It's okay. I'm here. We can talk about whatever you need to get off your chest, okay?" 

Sehun looks at him, his eyes showing desperation. 

"Once Y/N gets here. That's when I'll feel okay." 

This raises flags in Junmyeon's head. 

"Is she okay? What the fuck do you mean by that?" 

Sehun seems struck with confusion, then he widens his eyes and shakes his head. 

"N-No! I didn't mean anything was wrong with her. She's fine. She's alive." 

 "Why the hell would she not be?" He spits back. 

The raven haired boy starts to speak, but a plop of rain suddenly drifts down from the sky, hitting him on the forehead. He looks up, and just like he flipped a switch, a downpour of rain spills down on them. They both start to cover their heads with their hands, and Junmyeon has to push their wet bodies inside the shop. He lets a breath of relief out as the small cafe warms up his bones. He eyes Sehun carefully, following behind him as he picks out a table in the back corner. They take a seat, being immediately approached by a waiter. 

"I'll take an Americano," Junmyeon smiles at the young teen before he brings his attention to Sehun, "He'll take a black coffee-" 

"N-no. Do you have anything sweet? Like uh... do you have boba?" 

The waitress laughs nervously. 

"We're a coffee shop. I can get you a Mocha. They're pretty sweet to begin with-" 

Sehun nods, bringing his hand up to wave her off. 

"Yeah. That. Whatever." 

She gives him a disappointed frown as she walks off. Junmyeon scrunches his eyebrows together and extends his hands out in an 'What the fuck was that?' manner. 

Sehun looks frantic, his words coming out so fast that Junmyeon has to ask him to slow down.

"Listen- I'm just really freaked right now, okay? I really have to be honest with how I'm feeling about some things and you're the person I know will fix them." 

"Well that really puts more on my plate. I really want to know what you're talking about though. How about you stop running around in circles and just spit it out?" 

The other takes a deep breath, but before he could let loose what was bothering him, his eyes face towards the cafe entrance. Junmyeon continues to stare at him, his mouth left open with his question still dangling in the air. Sehun starts to fumble on his words, his fingers tapping anxiously on the table, and that was when Junmyeon took it as his sign to turn around. But before he could, Sehun grabbed his hand and yanked him back. 

"Don't. Look." He says dangerously low. 

"Junmyeon!" 

He smiles suddenly without thinking, your voice immediately calming his anxious thoughts. He watches as Sehun's face pales, and his hold on his hand is let go. Junmyeon finally turns around to wave at you, a smile smeared on his face- but the sudden excitement to see you is shadowed by the person with his hand around your waist. 

"Jun! Good to see you again!" 

Baekhyun smiles devilishly at Junmyeon as he stops the both of them in front of the table. He wore a black baggy long sleeved shirt, joined with light washed denim pants. A gold chain dangled from his neck, bright against his pale collarbones. He pushed his Ray Bans out of his eyes, pushing back his shabby dyed white hair. He looks at Sehun, cocking his head to the side and feigning fake astonishment as he points at the troubled man. 

"Sehun! It's been so long since I've seen you. Y/N here said you wanted to talk about something important. And, well, since I'm her boyfriend and such a close friend with you- I knew that I had to come with. Do you mind if you sit next to Junmyeon? I just like to be next to her." 

Baekhyun's eyes seemingly pierce through Sehun's shocked demeanor, his jaw left unhinged as the question lingers amongst them. When nothing is said, Junmyeon watches as Baekhyun tilts his head up quickly and uses his eyes to look at the empty seat next to himself. It was almost comical watching Sehun rush out of his chair and accompany Junmyeon on his side of the table. 

You... well you looked like yourself. From what Sehun had framed earlier, Junmyeon was thinking the absolute worst. Maybe you got into an accident, or you tripped and broke a bone. But here you were; bare faced, flushed cheeks and twinkling eyes. You looked fine. 

He watches as Baekhyun pulls out the seat for you, kissing your head as you smile back at him. He adjusts himself on the chair, bringing his hands onto the table rather loudly, the impact of his interlaced fingers thudding against it. He looks between Sehun and himself before he squints and lets a chuckle out. 

"I think I know what this is about." He says matter-of-factly.  

You don't say a word, Junmyeon notes. You instead look down at your lap, your lips still formed into a smile. In return for Baekhyun announcing his educated guess, Junmyeon leans in his chair and tilts back so the two back pegs are only on the floor. He brings a finger to his mouth and speaks diligently. 

"I was only aware that Y/N would be coming. She never mentioned you coming, Baekhyun." 

He watches as Baekhyun's expression doesn't falter, simply adjusts to the tone that Junmyeon laced with venom. He shifts his body to face him, using his right arm to drape around your shoulders, squeezing it. You're wearing a shirt that was unfamiliar to him, it was too baggy on your frame. He guessed it belonged to the unnerving cunt that sat across from him. 

"Well like I stated before, Jun. I'm close friends with Oh Sehun. Right?" Baekhyun looks at Sehun, and the boy nods, not looking back at him. Junmyeon studies his body language; it was like he was a cornered animal, unable to escape. And Baekhyun was the hungry predator ready to pounce on him. 

Junmyeon nods at this. 

"Okay. So what are we here to talk about Sehun?" He places his hand on Sehun's shoulder, taken back when the other jumps a little. 

"I- I. I actually forgot." 

You reach forward across the table, your palm open in front of Sehun. 

"Sehun, you could tell us anything. I'm here for you. You know that." 

Sehun hesitatingly brings his own hand on the table, his fingers inches from yours, but he suddenly pulls back, closing it into a fist. 

"I know, Y/N." He says weakly. 

You look at Junmyeon pleadingly, so he rests his chair back normally on the ground. He starts to pat Sehun's back, then rubs it gently.  

"She's right. You could tell us what's on your mind. You did say it was important." 

He looks up, only to stare directly at Baekhyun. The two of them don't exchange any words- but Junmyeon takes into account how your boyfriend licks his lips and starts to smile. 

What the fuck is happening? And why can't Sehun talk about what is obviously bothering him?

"I think you're nervous to talk about this in front of someone who wasn't invited," Junmyeon states blankly, and you give him a sad look before he continues, "But regardless. He's here, and he said that you're close as well. You agreed to it. Are you lying?" 

Sehun shakes his head quickly. Junmyeon knows he's lying. But he doesn't show the discernment that he's feeling inside, and can't give Baekhyun any satisfaction that he's slipping up in his own emotions. They already had one of them crumbling right in front of their eyes. Before Sehun could say anything else, Baekhyun takes the lead. 

"I know what it is." 

You look at him confused. 

"You do, Baek?" 

Junmyeon sneers at that. But as much as that bothered him, his interest was settled on what Baekhyun would say next. He watched as Baekhyun nodded very surely, tapping his fingers to the rhythm of the song that was playing in the cafe. 

"Sehun has been having suicidal thoughts. I would know. He called me and told me about it." 

And for once, Junmyeon was stunned. He was not expecting Baekhyun to say that, but even moreso, it seemed like Sehun didn't either. He gapes, spreading his hands out on the table, looking in a flurry between the three people seated with him at the table. The police officer watches as a bead of sweat travels down the side of his forehead, his lips beginning to tremble. 

Baekhyun clears his throat, then leaned back into his chair, his arms folding behind his neck. 

"Yeah. He told me he was contemplating suicide. He was too nervous to talk about it since he's never had those emotions before, but I get it. It's not easy to talk about wanting to slice your wrists when so many people have died recently," He eyes the paper menu on the right side of him, picking it up gingerly, 

"But I insisted that he talk about it. Therapists are too expensive these days. I let him know that I'm his friend. He could trust me, you know? But he wanted to see you guys today so... I guess he built up enough confidence to say the truth. Right, Sehun? The truth?" 

No one says anything. They stay silent until the waitress delivers the men's drinks, then quickly draws down your order and Baekhyun's. Junmyeon studies him, how he smiled at the young girl; how he was able to say such obscene things and happily order his coffee like normal. He couldn't understand him, couldn't dissect him at all. He was stronger than he looked but Junmyeon knew that he could crack him. 

It wasn't like he didn't believe what he said, but if Sehun was feeling like that, truly, he knew that he could talk to his friend in private. This wasn't something that the younger would do, not at all. There had to be something else that was itching his brain, but he was obviously too scared to speak about it in front of Baekhyun. 

He picks up his Americano, taking a small sip. 

"How do you know Sehun, Baekhyun?" 

You speak this time, which surprised Junmyeon. 

"Baekhyun told me that they go way back. They used to do business together." 

Junmyeon looks at Sehun, forming a tight knit line. 

"Is that so?" 

"We might have hung out a couple times." He mumbles out before he drinks his mocha. 

He returned his sight to Baekhyun, who shrugged as his smile got wider. 

"What can I say? I'm a people person. Everyone likes me." 

"Even Chanyeol?" 

Baekhyun's eyes dim. He leans into the table, the smile vanishing,

"Even Chanyeol, yes." 

Junmyeon starts to smile this time. 

"You know it's funny. Chanyeol just got into a fight a couple weeks back. Did you know about that? Looks pretty awful if I say so myself." 

You look at your boyfriend in a dazed state, obviously not following the tension that was brewing.

"You didn't say anything about that. But Jun," You purse your lips together, "What does that have to do with anything? We're here for Sehun." 

He looks off to the interior decorating the cafe, little potted plants hanging from the ceiling, strings of lights glowing brightly against the tan walls. 

"Just making small talk. You don't have to get defensive, Y/N." 

You push your tongue into the side of your cheek, looking back down at your lap. 

"I'm not getting defensive. I'm just saying if Sehun is feeling... suicidal, we should be conversating about that. Not about how the Deputy got into a fucking fight." 

"Well it's pretty fucking obvious that Sehun doesn't want to talk about it. Come on, Y/N. You know how to detect body language just as well as I do. It's because of him." 

He jabs his finger toward Baekhyun. The accused man flutters his eyelashes bashfully, resting his chin on both of his hands. 

"Me? What did I do?" He says tauntingly. 

Junmyeon flared his nostrils, the familiar heat rising in his chest like the night he flung your underwear around his face. He wanted to slam him against the wall, yell in his face and realize that he was no match against Junmyeon's strength. He settles on slamming his fists on the table, spilling his drink, the hot liquid traveling on his skin. It burned, but it didn't compare to the fire that was ignited inside him now. 

"You know exactly what I'm getting at here, Byun. You scare Sehun fucking shitless, and for whatever reason he can't even maintain eye contact with you. You're nothing but a weak joke. You cascade this macho persona, but I see right through it. You're nothing but an empty shell that draws on masks and puts it on to fit every single situation. I don't fucking like you."

He lets out an aggravated tsk as he finishes, looking down at the table. He knew he showed too much to Baekhyun, gave him too much information just by playing into his game. He knew now that he was easily triggered by his obliviousness. He wanted to slap himself in the face. 

"Junmyeon. Can I talk to you outside?" 

He looks up to meet your distressed state, and he nods in a flash, standing up and following you outside the cafe. Before you got up, you whispered something in Baekhyun's ear that made his facial features twitch. His eyelids drooped downwards, but he regained his once upbeat personality and laid a kiss on your cheek. He could feel Baekhyun's stare burning holes in the back of his head, but at this moment, Junmyeon didn't care. 

He listened to the small chime of the bell go off as the door closed behind them, then turned to face you. The rain beat down on your head, your once dry hair dampened by the merciless weather. He has to break the silence, you hadn't spoken a single word and continued your stare directly into his soul. 

"What? What do you want from me?" He spats out. 

Your bottom lip juts out, your eyes furiously blinking away the rain. 

"Why are you acting like this?" 

He stands still, letting the rain blur his vision of you. He forms his hands into fists. 

"Like what? Like a normal human being? I don't know you anymore, Y/N. You've changed."

You scoff at that, shifting your weight on your right leg. You bring up your hand and shake it angrily. "Me? I'm the same as I've ever been. You're the one who changed," You cross your arms over your chest, "You don't talk to me anymore. You stopped reaching out, you- you fucking made me leave work! You left me alone after Kyungsoo died, and you expect me to be my bubbly happy go-lucky self? Fuck you." 

You shove him, and when he doesn't move from the impact of your soft blow, you strike him again on the chest. He doesn't change his position, just looks down at you while you pound your fists against his body, watching as you begin to cry. It broke his heart. Seeing you like this. The worst part for Junmyeon was knowing that he couldn't be the one to fix this for you, there would never be the same connection between the both of you unless Baekhyun was out of the equation. 

The most sickening thought to Junmyeon was knowing that you would never leave Baekhyun.

Not for Sehun. 

Not for Kyungsoo. 

Not even him. 

He sighs as he stops your actions in a heartbeat, grabbing your arms mid air. You hiccup as you look back up at him, your eyes filled with tears. Your eyes that stole his heart were nothing but a black hole now, and even if Junmyeon wanted to pull you back out, you wouldn't have accepted his hand. He fights his own sob trying to erupt from his throat, putting on a smile for you. You shake your head, your pink lips forming to say something. But you didn't.

"Are you cold?" He mutters out brokenly. 

You scrunch your face up, your cheeks, a beautiful shade of pink. Your eyes shut closer together as you bite your lip to contain your whines, and shake your head. 

"I... I've got thick skin." 

He licks his lips, looking at the stained ground. He releases his grip on you, letting his arms fall back to his sides. "You should head back inside." 

You shake your head more violently now, punching his arms. 

"You're supposed to give me your jacket, you fucking prick." 

It sounded desperate. Like you were hoping that the connection you had could somehow be fused back together with something as pathetic as a jacket. You continue to hit him, speaking in choked sobs, repeating for him to give you his jacket. But he doesn't listen anymore. He just stares at you, watching how devastatingly broken you were. 

"That's enough, Y/N." 

"No. You need me just as much as I need you." You snap back. 

He shakes his head at you. He grabs the handle of the cafe door, turning his back on you. 

"I don't need you at all. Don't bother coming back to work." 

You start to scream a string of obscenities at him, but he silences the hurtful spikes you were throwing at him. He let the door close behind him, watching as some of the people inside gave him incredulous looks, the waitress peering outside while covering her mouth. He fashioned the cuffs of his jacket so they didn't look so disheveled, then cleared his throat as he approached the table in the corner. 

Baekhyun doesn't say a word, but Junmyeon knows that he's holding back some type of resentment. The man's face distorted into pure anger, his hold on the coffee mug making his knuckles a bright red. Sehun huddled into his seat, not daring to look up at Junmyeon. He sighs at that, lazily looking between the two. He clicks his tongue, bringing his now cold drink up to his lips, gulping it down completely. 

Once he finished, he placed it back gently on the table. He pulled out his wallet and pulled a few stray bills, confidently placing it on the table. 

"I think that should cover everyone here. Sehun, are you coming?" 

Baekhyun stands up, inching towards Junmyeon and stopping until he was only inches away from his face. His head bobs lightly, his tongue tracing his lips before he spoke. 

"Sehun and I are going to spend some time together. Is that alright with you?" 

Junmyeon is tired at this point. He's had enough of Baekhyun. Of you. So he chuckles darkly, making Baekhyun look at him with a quizzical expression. 

"Do whatever the fuck you want. You might want to give Y/N a ride back to her house though. She's completely drenched. You should warm him up, make sure she doesn't catch a cold." 

He turns his feet in the direction he came from, but Baekhyun's hand grabs his shoulder. 

Junmyeon doesn't bother looking back, just stands in place as he looks out the window. 

"I'll fuck her good for you." 

And that was enough for him. He had it. 

Junmyeon laughed, closing his eyes as he turned around slowly. He ducks his head down, bringing it up slightly so Baekhyun would only see his eyes. He smirked at him, opening his mouth to probably spit out some other lewd details, but Junmyeon doesn't give him the chance. He brings his fist to connect with Baekhyun's jaw, watching as the smaller man topples back on the table, his hands gripping onto the edges of it. Screams begin to echo in the once quiet shop, and Junmyeon can hear people scrambling out of the chairs, the squeaks of shoes running right out the door. 

The waitress does nothing but look onto the fight unfold behind the counter, her phone shaking in her grasp as she tries to unlock it. Baekhyun spits on the floor, blood painting the washed out gray flooring. He looks back up, and Junmyeon hesitates as he watches Baekhyun's eyes turn into something almost demonic, his white teeth stained with the ruby color, smiling right at him. It almost felt like he wanted this to happen; but Junmyeon doesn't want to miss the opportunity to beat him to a pulp. 

Baekhyun lands a pretty good punch to his chin, making Junmyeon twist his neck to the left. He shakes it off quickly, running back at him and grabbing him by his shirt, pushing him against the wall. He doesn't stop his fist from hitting his face, not giving him any mercy, just enjoying seeing the blood erupt from his mouth. It wasn't until Sehun pulled him off that he let him go. Baekhyun slides down the wall, his hands weakly spread on the floor, the smile on his face never leaving. 

He wheezes, and Junmyeon just stares as Sehun restrains his arms behind his back, telling him, "It's okay, It's okay." He's in a delirious state now, looking down at his own shirt, the vermillion stains looking right back up at him. He watches as you somehow rush to Baekhyun's aid, looking at him and screaming. But it's all just static in his head. He pushes Sehun off of him, grunting as he winds his shoulder back. He stumbles as he walks away from the gore fest he created, cracking his knuckles. 

"Sir! You cannot leave this premise, I already called the cops!" 

The waitress was crying, her phone raised to her ear as she pointed at him. Junmyeon snickers, looking at her frazzled state. He continues to walk towards the door, stopping as he looks back at her, offering her a genuine side smile. 

"I am the police. Go get him some napkins. He'll be fine." 

He opens the door, looking up at the sky, watching the rain pour down. He smacks his lips together, then without a thought in his head, he takes off his jacket. He looks back inside, Sehun looking back at him with shock, and tosses it on one of the tables. 

"Give it to Baekhyun. He needs it more than me." 

Baekhyun's POV 

"Get in the fucking car, Sehun." 

Baekhyun didn't know what was exactly going to transpire today, but it sure as fuck wasn't this. He sits himself in his car, immediately looking at his face in the mirror. His nose was bleeding, one of his eyes was turning completely red- to which Baekhyun scoffed. 

He looked down at his hand, the faint color of crimson staining it. Usually this would be fine, but in this scenario he was disgusted. There should never be a moment where he, Baekhyun, would be the one spitting up blood. He listens to the back passanger's door close harshly, and he looks at a spooked Sehun staring back at him. He's stark white, his legs crossed over one another, his body visibly shaking. 

He licks his lips as he looks away, gripping the steering wheel. 

"Did you know he was going to do that?" He says sourly. 

Sehun shook his head, looking outside the window. 

"No. I've never seen him like that before." 

Baekhyun punches the wheel then, making Sehun audibly gasp. He turned around in a flash, teeth gritting together, aiming his next words towards the young boy. 

"I'm going to take Y/N home, and if you-" He jabs his finger in the other's chest, "say a single thing? I'll make sure you regret it. You got me?" 

He nods, tears brimming his eyes already. Baekhyun chuckles at that, pulling his hand away from him and sitting back in his seat completely. He clears his throat, blood still spewing from his lips. He grimaces, looking outside his own window this time, watching you walk up to his side with more napkins. 

You tap the window, and Baekhyun nimbly pushes down the button to roll it down. You quickly shove the napkins towards his nose, you're forcing out too many words at once, making you stutter uncontrollably. 

"I- I did- I can't believe he did that. Are you o-okay?" You take sharp breaths in between each word, like it hurt to inhale. 

Baekhyun's heart swells at that, and he rests his hand over yours, stopping your frantic movements. He shakes his head and closes his eyes, trying to remain calm for you. He listens to your ragged breathing, then rests his gaze on yours. He smiles. 

"I'll be fine. Let me take you home-" 

"No. I- I have to talk to him." 

And why did you want to talk to him? Baekhyun wondered. He was only one short circuit away from blowing up, but he reminds himself that it's you, that's he talking to. He couldn't have you thinking he was the controlling boyfriend that he knows he is. Baekhyun would be the composed, innocent man in this situation. And God, it really fucking sucked being good. 

"If that's what you think you should do. Go for it." He narrows his eyes, watching as you didn't expect that response. You nod hestitangly, unsure of what to do with the remaining napkins in your hand. He shakes his head softly, taking them from you. 

"Make sure you text me when you get home then. I'll come over." He says in a whisper. 

You give him a sympathetic smile, "Of course." 

You give him a kiss on his cheek, to which Baekhyun makes sure to record in his memories to fond over later. You turn around, but Baekhyun reaches out his window and latches his grasp on your wrist. You look back confused, but he doesn't even need to say it to you now; something that he pleasantly enjoyed. 

"I- I love you." 

He tilts his head cheekily to the side, letting you go. 

"I love you too." 

He watched until you were only a speck in his vision, and then he grudgingly turned back around again, latching his fangs into Sehun. 

"Get in the front with me." 

Sehun shook his head. 

"I'm okay back here-" 

"Get up here." Baekhyun deadpans. 

So there they were, driving in Baekhyun's car, driving aimlessly. He hasn't said anything to the other, just kept quiet as he tapped his finger on the wheel, watching his windshield wipers dispose of the rain on the car. Sehun cleared his throat when they arrived at a red light, and Baekhyun flickered his eyes on him for a second, then continued to stare forward at the road.

"What?" He says in a sardonic tone. 

"Where are we going? I actually have some work I have to go over-" 

"Really? What is it about?" Baekhyun smirks, hitting the gas pedal. 

Sehun fiddles with his hands, "Just some um, you know. Burglary case." 

Baekhyun nods, his voice ringing in the silent car. 

"Man, I hate people like that. They could be so annoying, huh?" 

Sehun forces out a bitter laugh. 

"Y-yeah. They're... annoying." 

"Tell me Sehun. Because I'm really, really, into what you do for a living. How do you live with yourself when you know you have blood on your hands? Do you think you're better than me?" 

Silence. 

He turns a street, slowing down his speed in the empty neighborhood. He waits for him to say something, but just like he knew, Sehun didn't dare say a single syllable. He looks at the dim lit houses and apartments as he continues his drive, pointing at some and complimenting the exterior. He stops in front of one, moving his hand towards the Park shift. He faces Sehun now, observing how he stayed completely still, his shoulders hunched over, his face looking completely in his lap. Baekhyun snaps his fingers, making the other jump in his seat. 

"You see that house?" 

Sehun diverted his attention outside the window. It was an ugly house; seemingly abandoned from the looks of it. It was almost as if it was being held by strings, the paint chipping off the wood, the lawn a complete jungle. The roof was beaten in, some had already caved in, submitting itself over to the undeniable death. He looked back at Baekhyun, his eyebrow raised. 

"What about it?" 

Baekhyun winced, his eye throbbing in pain. He fixates on Sehun through his migraine. 

"It's beautiful." 

"Beautiful? I don't see how-" 

He slaps his face then, immediately grabbing his cheek to look back at him. 

"Isn't it beautiful seeing things struggle to stay alive? No matter how broken they are. They still manage to live. And do you know why us, as people, no matter how battered and bruised we get, we still get up?" 

Sehun shook his head in Baekhyun's hand. Baekhyun rolls his eyes, digging his fingernails into his skin. "Because they think they have purpose. And where does purpose come from? It comes from the undeniable feeling that something or someone created you- that some being put you in existence because they believed you had something to grace this fucked up reality." 

He lets go of Sehun's face, shoving him against the window. He unbuckles his seatbelt, crawling towards his body and pushing his head on the window. He savors seeing Sehun's breath clouding on the clear glass, his breathing short with each one he took. He locks his fingers in his hair, twisting and pulling it, slamming his face into the glass harder. 

"But do you want to know the one thing that people don't know?" 

He snickers to himself as he grins. 

"I am the person who decides people's purposes. Me." 

Sehun pushes him off, saliva dripping down his mouth, his eyes in a crazed state. Baekhyun raises his hands in the air as if he'd been caught, then relaxes as he leans against his seat. 

"So, Sehun. Can you answer my question?" 

Sehun grips the leather seat, tears staining his cheeks. 

"What question?" He lashes out. 

"Do you think you're better than me?" 

"I- I don't know. Why does this matter, why me?" He spews angrily. 

Baekhyun sighs, lazily draping his seatbelt on himself. He resumes his quaint car drive, not answering Sehun's question. He wracked his mind about this for a while; people who knew they were going to die not cooperating with their killer. It never made sense, Baekhyun enjoyed the manipulative mind games he would play with people, much like a kid playing with their food. Deciding which portion of their meal would enter their mouths... which portion would end up unscathed. If you were in the palm of a sadistic killer, would you rather play with him or fight him? 

The choice was fairly obvious. 

But obviously not. 

The gloomy skies turned a shade of purple and black, the moon resurfacing from its slumber. Baekhyun didn't say anything as he parked in front of the apartment building he frequented often. He pushed back the pain that screamed at him, lifting his hand to grab his car keys. Sehun stayed put, glancing up towards the building. When he didn't react, Baekhyun waved his key in the air questiongly at him. 

"You're not excited to be here?" 

"Why would I be?" 

"Because now you won't be alone with me." 

Sehun uttered underneath his breath, "I'm not talking to him anymore." 

Baekhyun jutted his bottom lip out, masking a look of concern. 

"Not best friends with your best friend anymore? Wonder why." 

"Like you fucking care." 

Baekhyun shook his head, reaching over to the glove box. He opened it up, pulling the sharp object out. He grazed his indent finger over the gray blade, watching how prettily it shined in the darkness. Sehun held his breath, watching Baekhyun admire his toy. Baekhyun smiled brightly, his cheeks warming up. 

"I'm offended by that. I care about my friends. And you're my friend." 

Something in the air changed when Baekhyun stated that; and he took into account how Sehun's once scared shitless exterior softened. Obviously something happened between him and Chanyeol, it wasn't like he necessarily cared about what it was about, but if it could make this more entertaining for him, he'll use it. 

"Get out. If you make a run for it, I'll kill you." 

Baekhyun stood behind Sehun as he entered the apartment building, knife embedded in his lower back. An awkward ride in the elevator was fun for Baekhyun, enjoying how Sehun squirmed in discomfort. He felt his phone vibrate in his back pocket, and without his eyes leaving Sehun's back, he pulled it out. He squinted from the bright light coming from his phone, but that soon was replaced with a heartwarming grin. 

i made it home. let me know when you're coming over. i'll order take out. :) love you. 

He shoved it back into his pocket as the elevator notified them they arrived. He couldn't wait to come back home to you, being able to be overwhelmed with your scent, your body, your touch. He almost stumbled in his step while thinking about it, but he covered it up by pushing Sehun ahead of him, towards Chanyeol's door. 

He brushed some hair out of his eyes, gazing at Sehun's closed fist knocking on the door of his life-long friend. He felt his heart race faster as Chanyeol opened the door in shock, wearing only a robe, his hair in complete disarray. Baekhyun brought his free hand up, waving cutely in his direction. 

"We haven't had a guy's night in a while." 

Chanyeol had let them in, stubbornly, but still- let them in. Which was his biggest mistake in his life so far. Baekhyun had grabbed Sehun by his collar and led him towards the couch. He threw him down roughly, flipping the knife in his hand in the air before jokingly pretending to stab him. 

"Quit it, Baek." Chanyeol shouted at him, taking his place on a chair beside the glass table. 

Baekhyun giggled to himself, flashing the knife at Chanyeol. He grunted as he pushed the tip of the blade away, giving a snarling look. Crossing his arms, Chanyeol pierced his gaze at Sehun, the younger childishly looking away. He snorted at that, then watched as Baekhyun sat in his own chair. 

Chanyeol quipped, "What the fuck happened to you? You almost look as bad as me." 

"Your friend. Junmyeon." Baekhyun grunted out. 

Chanyeol widens his eyes. Then erupts in boisterous laughter, hand clapping included. The two men aren't amused by it in the slightest, and after a couple more seconds of his annoying noise, he dwindles down, fully taking in the tension filled air. He licks his lips and brings his attention back to Baekhyun, but more importantly the blade that was adorned in his grip. 

"What's the knife for, huh?" Chanyeol barks at him. He was nervous, Baekhyun could tell. 

So he shimmies into his seat, ready to watch the show unfold in front of his very eyes; perfectly orchestrated by him. "I thought we'd play a game." 

Sehun sits up in his seat, broadcasting for the first time a sense of confidence. 

"A game?" 

Baekhyun nods sweetly. 

"A game. Rules are that you have to play. If you don't- well you know." He says in a singsong voice. 

He watches Chanyeol stretch out his arms, sighing. He flashes a grim look towards Sehun. 

"Thought you didn't want to see me anymore. Why'd you come?" 

"Yeah, like I volunteered to be held at knife point by Baekhyun. I didn't want to come here." 

Baekhyun stifles back laughter, crossing his legs together as he listens to the argument stirring up. He looked down at his knife; the same knife he used on Mina. If he squinted hard enough, he could still see the faint blood on the pristine gift Chanyeol gave him. 

"Well I don't know, this could be an ambush for all I know. You and your stupid fucking choices that you make. You never learn, do you?" Chanyeol's veins popped out of his neck as he spoke to Sehun. 

Sehun rolled his eyes, looking at Baekhyun. 

"What do we have to do?" 

"What, so you're ignoring me now? Prick." Chanyeol spits. 

Baekhyun stands, interjecting as he raises his hands in the air. 

"Now now. Let's not get too excited to play the game. Let me explain the rules, okay guys?" 

They don't say anything so Baekhyun takes it that they're interested. He loved his friends. 

"So, the whole premise is kind of silly," He chuckles as he walks over to the couch, wrapping his arm around Sehun's shoulders, "Basically, the two of you spill your guts about every horrible thing you've done for me. The one who takes responsibility wins. Pretty easy, right?"

Sehun puckers his lips and begins to open his mouth, but Baekhyun shushes him, grazing the knife on his cheek. "I'm not finished." 

"The one who's too much of a self centered cunt, dies. By who? You're wondering? Well," He stands up, dragging the knife on the glass table, making the men in the room groan from the noise, "By the one who wins. I think it's pretty fair." 

Chanyeol gives him the most stomach-turning frown, his lips trembling in distraught. 

"No fucking way." 

Baekhyun walks behind Chanyeol's chair, his hand bringing the knife to his neck. He inches towards the other's ear, his lips grazing his skin ever so slightly. 

"Aren't we friends, Channie? Best friends, right?" 

His friend's hand grips the chair's arm furiously, "Us being friends doesn't have anything to do with this, Baekhyun." 

"Oh, but I think it does. You know why it does, Chanyeol? Because I have something on you. And if I tell the entire world what Park Chanyeol did- well, that wouldn't end well for you, right? But I'm your friend, so I'll give you a chance to not ruin your perfect cookie cutter reputation." 

He slices Chanyeol's skin lightly, looking down to see the small beads of blood sprout from his neck. He immediately hushes his deep rooted snarls, his body settling into the situation that was being unfolded. Sehun gapes, but he slowly closes his own mouth, eyebrows furrowed together as he leans out of his seat. 

Baekhyun smiles. "Okay then. Who wants to be honest?" 

He sits back down in his chair. Of course, he had something up his sleeve. He slipped his phone out of his pocket, cleverly hiding it from view underneath his thigh. He rummaged through his miscellaneous apps, until he finally clicked on Voice Memos. And finally, the game would actually begin. 

Sehun starts it off, which was little to no surprise to Baekhyun. He was the weaker one out of all of them after all. 

"I- I disposed of the body of Baekhyun's girlfriend. I didn't like doing it though. I- I still have nightmares about it." 

Baekhyun gives a light hearted clap, to which Sehun glares. He looks towards Chanyeol, and Baekhyun copies. He looks tired, his arms hanging off the arms of the chair, his eyes fixated on the ground. 

"Chanyeol? What about you? What have you done?" Baekhyun questions. 

Chanyeol licks his lips, pulled out of the trance he put himself in. 

"I... I haven't done anything." 

God, was he an idiot. He knew his friend was prideful, but did he really have to be when it came to his own life? He sighs, shaking his head. 

"No... I don't think that's right. Come on, spill your guts. We don't judge here!" 

His cheerfulness does nothing to the bland environment. Chanyeol covers his face with both of his hands, something of a sob tumbling from his throat. Baekhyun looks at Sehun, giving him a look that reads, "Can you believe this guy?" 

"I didn't do anything. I haven't." Chanyeol repeats. 

Sehun stands up, anger fusing into his features. 

"I should have known you wouldn't fess up to anything. You're just like your fucking dad." 

Baekhyun gasps, placing his hands over his mouth. He tries to fight off the incoming laughter from his chest, but it spills over maniacally. Of course, he knew Chanyeol's trouble with his own father, I mean he issued him to kill him for Christ's sake. But compared to Baekhyun, Chanyeol's sanity when it came to his dad was utterly gone. He knew not to talk about it; only when it mattered, when it was a reminder. Obviously Sehun didn't know about this. So Baekhyun continued his fit of giggles, his eyes latching onto Chanyeol's furious state. 

"You know, I let it go earlier. I mean, you didn't even give me the chance to say anything before you left, you fucking asshole. But you- you don't know anything about my fucking father. He was a living fucking nightmare, he cheated, he lied, he hit me. I am nothing, like him," Chanyeol kicks his chair back, his body moving faster than he could have been thinking, stopping as he stands in Sehun's face, "So shut the fuck up if you know what's good for you." 

Sehun clenches his fists, mustering up a confident face, but failing horribly. 

"I killed Kyungsoo. I am the person who fucking helped. I disposed of a body. Come on, Chanyeol. Fucking take ownership. Don't fucking die because your pride!" 

With a gurgled yell, Chanyeol punches Sehun in the face, his own face bright red with anger. Sehun fights back, grabbing Chanyeol by his shoulders and shoving him into the glass table, shards gliding on the hardwood floor, pieces stopping at Baekhyun's shoes. Baekhyun's adrenaline shoots up, his already widened eyes stretching out even more, his smile so big it's beginning to hurt. He picks up a shard of glass, flipping it around in his hand as he watches Sehun plummeting his fist into Chanyeol's face. 

He stands up, walking behind Sehun and seeing his friend's face go in and out of consciousness. His lip is busted, blood is sprayed on his chin and exposed chest, his eyes are in a dazed, frenzied state. Sehun freezes his movements, taking a deep breath in before he pulls Chanyeol up, looking him straight in the eyes. 

"Chanyeol. Please, say something." 

He spits blood on the younger's face, yet Sehun stays stoic. He whispers this time, 

"Choose me. Choose to live." 

Baekhyun huffs annoyed, giving Sehun's ribs a hard kick, watching him cripple up and fall on the ground. He stands over Chanyeol now, both of his feet on either side of him, crouches down and smacks his lips together.

"What did you end up doing yourself, huh, Yeol?" He brushes some of Chanyeol's dark locks off his forehead, gagging as he touches some of the blood that was painted into his skin. 

Chanyeol's voice is brittle as he speaks, "P-please. Help." 

The words came out weakly, each syllable too painful for him to escape from his mouth. Baekhyun ponders for a moment, then nods his head. He picks up his battered friend, sitting him up and dragging him so he leans on the chair he had kicked back moments prior. He slaps him a little, trying to keep him conscious. When he finally lets up and keeps his eyes open, Baekhyun waves the knife in his face gleefully. 

"You want me to help you, right?" 

Chanyeol nods slowly, his eyes crossing repeatedly, trying to focus on him. Baekhyun let's a small, "uh-huh," out, then walked towards Sehun. He repeats his action, dragging his body and stopping to drop him right in front of Chanyeol's feet. He digs his foot into Sehun's neck, putting pressure steadily, watching him struggle to push him off. Baekhyun looks at Chanyeol with a straight face, eyes dark. 

"What do you want me to do, Chanyeol?" 

Chanyeol, becoming more and more aware of what's happening, gurgles on his own blood, sputtering out drops of the red on Sehun's face. He shakes his hands, getting on his knees and trying to remove Baekhyun's foot from the other's throat. Baekhyun sneers at that, disappointment settling into his features. He keeps his foot on the other's throat and takes a step in Chanyeol's direction, bringing the knife to the side of his neck. 

"You can't save him. But you want to know what you can do?" Baekhyun lashes out in anger. 

Chanyeol shakes, looking up defeated. 

"W-what?" He says brokenly. 

Baekhyun removes the knife from his throat, then points his finger and motions for Chanyeol to get on top of Sehun. It takes him a moment to register what he's asking, but nonetheless, he does it. And Baekhyun feels almost a little bit of pity for him; but it's quickly erased when he hears Sehun wheeze against his shoe. He takes his foot off of him, crouching behind Chanyeol, placing his hands on his shoulders, leaning his head against the crook of his neck as he peered down at Sehun. 

"What do you want to say, Sehun?" Baekhyun asks. 

There's fear in his eyes, and the all knowing feeling that his last words were coming soon. He knew the look all too well, loved seeing it. But in this moment, it felt different. Rather than the impending speech of love being tarnished, a future of marriage memorized and said endless amounts of times to potential lovers, this was Sehun. Sehun, who played the game right, Sehun who didn't let pride wash over him. It made Baekhyun feel... like a God. He was the one who wrote the script, who decided to change the rules if it didn't seem fit to his liking, he was- He Is- God. 

"The answer- to your question." Sehun says shakily. 

Baekhyun shapes his mouth into an, "O '' shape, nodding his head and biting his lip eagerly. 

"Yes? And what is that?" 

Sehun looks directly at Chanyeol as he speaks, 

"I'm not better than you." 

Baekhyun hears Chanyeol's voice hitch, his body trembling. Sehun continues. 

"You win. You'll always win, Baekhyun." 

"Exactly. Now, Chanyeol," Baekhyun slithers his hand down to Chanyeol's, placing the knife in his hand, "I'm going to give you something that you've always wanted." 

Chanyeol replies in a monotone voice, "Which is?" 

"To kill and rid of the obstacle in your life. I won't do it for you this time. Think of it as a gift." 

He looks as Chanyeol slowly but surely wraps each finger around the hilt of the knife, until it is in his grasp most surely. Baekhyun gingerly brings his hand on Chanyeol's arm, pushing it towards Sehun's chest. He lets go once the blade is inches from Sehun's own flesh, pausing to watch what his friend would do next. 

Sehun sobs, "We can still do it. We can still kill him, Chanyeol." 

"Is that right, Chanyeol? You can still kill me? Well look, I'm right here. Do it." Baekhyun lets the last words drip with curiosity. 

Chanyeol doesn't make any movements. He stays on top of Sehun, knife remaining inches from his chest. His troubled breathing is the only sound in the apartment, only until he speaks with the utmost confidence. 

"I... I can be loyal to something as small as a best friend, Sehun." 

Sehun's eyes glimmered with hope then, Baekhyun almost faltering in his own confidence. 

"Yes- Yes, Chanyeol! I knew you would choose me-" 

And Chanyeol followed his words as he plummeted the knife into his friend. 

"Chan...chanyeol?" 

Sehun's mouth was left agape as he looked down shakily at the knife sticking out of his chest, Chanyeol's body hunched over Sehun's in a ghostly manner. Baekhyun let out a nervous chuckle, putting a hand over his heart, closing his eyes in relief. He doubted- for a second, that Chanyeol would be persuaded by the meaningless words Sehun spouted out. But Baekhyun knew. 

"I knew you would choose me." Baekhyun says sarcastically, mimicking Sehun. 

Chanyeol says nothing as he takes the knife out of Sehun, throwing it away from his sight. He picked up the limp body now, his hand moving behind Sehun's head, pushing it up, shaking it. 

"Sehun? Sehun, please. I- I didn't do it. I didn't-" 

A string of sobs continued after, and Baekhyun walked quietly to retrieve his weapon, cleaning off the blood with his already ruined shirt. He made his way back to Chanyeol, who was attempting to revive Sehun's dead body, chest heaving as snot shot from his nose, his tears cascading on the corpse's face. Baekhyun snaps his finger, earning a devastated and desperate look from Chanyeol. 

"And where's my thank you for saving your ass?" Baekhyun crossed his arms together. 

Chanyeol blinked, his face morphing into one of shock. 

"Thank You? What the fuck do I have to thank you for? You killed my-" 

Baekhyun stamps his foot as he yells, 

"You! You killed him, Chanyeol. Not me. Maybe I should have let Sehun kill you; you still can't play the game fucking right. Piece of shit. You can't even say thank you for the gift I gave you, some fucking stability in your life, jeez. Also," He snakes out his phone from his pocket, waving it in the air, then clicking the button to end the voice memo, "I have it all recorded. I'll just keep it as a reminder for you." 

Chanyeol grips Sehun's body closer to his chest. His left eye was swollen shut now, the blood dried on his face and chest. Baekhyun didn't think Chanyeol looked any better than right now. So he sticks his phone back in his back pocket, slipping the knife in the other. He walks over to the door, but Chanyeol stops him with one last pleading question. 

"Baekhyun. Why... why didn't you kill me?" 

Baekhyun stills. He looks over his shoulder, smiling. 

"Because. You're my friend." 

"Goodbye, Chanyeol." 

And as he closed the door behind him, he listened to Chanyeol unleash a blood curdling scream. He relished in it, humming a tune to himself as he walked down the hallway. He brought his phone out as he entered the elevator. He typed happily, his thoughts finally only becoming about you. 

on my way back. i missed you so much. i'm so happy. :)

#baekhyun fic #baekhyun fanfic #baekhyun ff #baekhyun #byun baekhyun #park chanyeol #kim junmyeon #oh sehun #yandere #kpop yandere fic #yandere fic #yandere ff #baekhyun fanfiction #baekhyun x you #you x baekhyun #baekhyun x oc #oc x baekhyun #luviebaekfics #baekhyun angst #kpop yandere #yandere kpop #chanyeol #suho #sehun

[poplinn]

drapetomania

(n.) : an overwhelming urge to run away

abscond

(v.) : to secretly depart and hide oneself ⁻ˢᵗᵘᵖᶦᵈ ˡᶦᵗᵗˡᵉ ᵖʳᵒʲᵉᶜᵗ ᵒᶠ ᵐᶦⁿᵉ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ʰᵉˡᵖˢ ᵐᵉ ʷᶦᵗʰ ᵖᵘᵗᵗᶦⁿᵍ ᵉᵐᵒᵗᶦᵒⁿˢ ᵇᵉᵗᵗᵉʳ ᶦⁿᵗᵒ ᵛᶦᵉʷ. ᵉⁿʲᵒʸ. ˢᵒⁿᵍˢ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ʷʰᶦᶜʰ ᵗʰᵉ ˡʸʳᶦᶜˢ ᵃʳᵉ ᵗᵃᵏᵉⁿ ᶦⁿ ʳᵉᵖˡᶦᵉˢ⁻

#my stuff #i guess #aesthetic #drapetomania #abscond #yes i know where drapetomania comes from you dont have to tell me #also idk what else to tag this as #ill put the playlist of songs i used for the texts in the replies #also i have no idea why tumblr is being so weird with the images #they look fine and transparent in my editor but tumblr...doesnt make some of them transparent #or adds like a pixel line to the image #i checked and theyre not there when i upload them #oh well

[carpexiem]

overseas.

extra clans.

sticky note. last set of profiles. if it's not obvious (it totally is-), keeho and theo are one group, hyuka, daejun and beomgyu are another

keeho. in the school choir since freshman year, known as 'the boy with angelic vocals'. the biggest stan of o2chaos. knows every dance and song of theirs, and the members themselves more than himself el oh el. the sweetest person you'd meet,,, after theo. loud on social media, quiet irl. #introvertedextrovert???

theo. CUTEST THING EVER. uses kaomoji emoticons every time he texts, keeho's right-hand man. may be the most adorable human to roam this planet, but anger him, and pray you don't get sent to hell personally. for some oDd reason, he always predicts correctly. ALWAYS 😉

hyuka. quiet kid numero uno. is tired of his school's shit honestly man, he just wants to move back to hawaii (she said she said she said she said she's from hawaii- okey ill stop). #bestrbfoftheschool (proposed by sunghoon ofc) but trust me he's 500% approachable,,, right??

beomgyu. literally the only song on his playlist is counting stars, which he puts on reply everyday, everywhere, anywhere. may God help his friends for is this the retribution of their sins? his life goal is to meet be'o (the one who made the song) and nothing else. we stan a man with priorities yas.

daejun. wears black all the damn time, someone save the boy's darkened soul. driest texter, SOMEONE PLEASE LIGHTEN HIS DARKENED SOUL. he just,, despises humanity for no valid reason, which i absolutely, 100%, totally understand.

synopsis. seventeen year old y/n receives the ‘once in a lifetime’ opportunity to travel to america for a school exchange trip. with nothing expecting to go wrong whatsoever, y/n happily journeys overseas to seattle. only to get there and find out: her exchange partner is, in fact, male. and not female. like she had chosen?

wait…did she?

anyways, what could actually go wrong?

so many things, that y/n swears she'll never be caught dead on an exchange ever again...

taglist. @msxflower @lovienikitty @sunbokie still open! send ask to be added!

permanent taglist. @soobin-chois

<der | pro>

masterlist.

#ficscafe #enhypenwriters #. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋgoldsun.writes #enhypen #enhypen imagine #enhypen social media au #enhypen sm au #enhypen ff #enhypen fanfic #enhypen fanfiction #enhypen headcannons #enhypen angst #enhypen romance #enhypen fluff #jay sm au #jay social media au #jay imagines #jay romance #jay x reader #enhypen au #enhypen x reader #enhypen imagines #enhypen drabbles #enhypen jay #enhypen jake #enhypen sunghoon #p1h keeho #p1h theo #txt huening kai #overseas.chap🌊

[seoracle]

DRIVERS LICENSE; i

Pairing: Bang Chan x Idol! Gender Neutral Reader

Genre: Fake Dating! AU, Angst, Lovers to Enemies(?), Occasional Pining, Comedy, S for potential smut(??)

Summary: Y/N has become an overnight sensation with ‘Drivers License’, Breaking records left and right...But what if the press gets wind of the ill-matched lovers and their company decide it’s the perfect attention ploy?

Word Count: 3.2K

Warnings: Swearing (a lot near the end), Drinking mention

A/N: this was meant to be a drabble... now it’s becoming a series...i’m sorry

“...and the winner of Inkigayo today is...Y/N with ‘Drivers License, Congratulations!”

You step towards the center of the stage and take the trophy and bouquet from a rookie idol, who flashes a bright smile at you, but you can see the envy in his eyes. You once had that same hunger and ambition that he seems to reek of, it’s a reminder of how far you’ve come.

Taking the mic, you begin to sing a more sultry and edgier vibe than usual, which seems to gather more screams from fans than usual. You remember what Seulgi taught you and gaze at the camera lens with a subtle pout, trying to capture the angst of the song in your gaze.

It feels ridiculous, feigning emotions you no longer feel, singing a song you begged the company not to put out in a corset fitted shirt that’ll leave your ribs sore and reddened. It’s pathetic and cliche, you quite literally sold your soul (well, heart) for fame. 

“Yeah, you said forever, now I drive alone past your street…”

Everyone behind you waves at the camera, signalling the show is ending. You leave last, taking several confetti bits for your scrapbook, which is the only thing keeping you from remembering this is all real. 

Backstage, Iris and San are waiting in your dressing room, they greet you with proud grins and slaps on the back. 

“Well, if it isn’t miss twelve...no, thirteen wins in two weeks.” San praises, enveloping you in a hug.

“Could be thirteen by tomorrow~” Hums Iris in a sing-song tone.

A groan leaves your lips, while slumping into an uncomfortable chair. You tune out their excited plans for your makeup and hair tomorrow, San says something about an end of year Award show.

All you want is to go home to your empty dormitory and sleep.

When you finally arrive to the ‘comfort’ of your ‘studio apartment’ (box room), it isn’t long before you strip down to your pyjamas and aggressively rub off the layers of makeup that seem to cling to every pore and fine line of your face. The cold air from the fan soothes the aching of your body from your strict workout routine. You stay awake until 4am, reading comments from netizens and replying to fans on your fancafe, it  was hard not to become obsessed with checking what people thought; whether they loved or loathed you.

[+184 -93] Y/N is talented, but they look devoid of emotion since last week...maybe singing a song so personal isn’t a good idea….what if the person it’s about hears it…..

User FYL**8 was right, it had become draining trying to convey emotions you’d long let go of. Your debut song was fresh and fun, it didn’t garner much attention but at least you hadn’t had to fake emotions and relive your first heartbreak.

Although the memories of the breakup didn’t hurt as much, the happiest ones were the most painful. The feeling of ignorance, thinking he meant forever and believing him completely...it was all so distant yet felt a fingertip away.

That night you slept with a heavy heart, remembering what it felt like when he’d hold you close and right and kiss you on the head to soothe your worries. Why did it have to end? Why like that? You try to drift into a nice sleep after another exhausting day but to no avail, thoughts of him are flooding every thought. Has he heard it? There was no way he hadn’t, he loved to check out every ranking song for inspiration or for another artist to add to his monthly playlist. 

Would he get angry? Sad? Laugh at your pathetic feelings? He was right in the end, when it came down to it you only shared your feelings when it was too late.

Stupid Christopher fucking Bang.

It wasn’t often you’d refer to him as Chan, you had met him when he only saw it as another name for himself that he hardly used. Back when his hair had been fluffed up curls that he couldn’t contain and his light freckles weren’t covered by BB Cream. When he didn’t belong to the world and only loved you.

After months of forcing yourself not to, you hastily search “Stray kids Bang Chan + Y/N”, Then “Stray Kids Y/N” and finally “Skz Y/N”. The results are minimal and far inbetween, mostly tweets from fans wishing for a collab and oddly enough one person making edited photos of you and them, which are so convincing you have to remind yourself you hadn’t met them.

Thoughts drift to his friends, the ones who didn’t know Chris was even seeing someone and had been for over a year. They tried to sugarcoat it, say they forgot, it’s hard to keep track when you’re training and all that. 

The sinking feeling you felt when Minho asked how long you’d been together, guessing a month at most. When you did reply, ears burning with embarrassment he coughed and muttered “Oh.’, That had stung.

Everything had seemed so perfect, until you opened your eyes and saw it for what it was.

You don’t end up sleeping much, two hours at most, Then it’s time to get ready and head to the Broadcast Studio for today’s event. All you know is it’s a show about giving advice, the reviews aren’t great but you aren’t allowed to turn anything down because fame is a double-edged sword that you can barely grasp as is.

Iris and San are already waiting for you when you get there, within minutes makeup is being patted into your skin and your outfit is laid out on the chair next to you.

“Sleep more, Y/N-ah, I had to use a double coverage concealer to hide your dark circles.” Iris said in a fretful tone.

“I try, it’s hard being famous.” You reply jokingly, flipping your hair the best you can. Iris smacks your hand away and frantically finds her hairspray.

Within twenty minutes you’re dressed and not one hair is out of place, San pulls you aside with an uncharacteristically stern face. 

“The company have specific goals for sending you here, they want you to delve into a story of heartbreak to comfort today’s victim, while keeping anonymity and remaining as vague as you can.” 

Of course, even a show about helping others is fictional.

You nod solemnly and prepare to go on air, sitting on a cushion next to a popular comedian who doesn’t bother to even look at you. A well-known Streamer is on your other side and you begin polite small talk, which seems to irritate the host.

“We’re on in 3,2….1!” A sharp click follows the director’s queue and the host bursts right into the introduction.

After you’re introduced it’s easy to tune out, you couldn’t give a shit about that stuck-up comedian and the actress to their right. Instead you think of how the fuck you’re supposed to conjure up an emotional performance with little to no time to prepare.

‘My ex-boyfriend hid me for almost two years’ no, not even worthy of a cheap gossip magazine. ‘I thought my boyfriend loved me, turns out he loved his career more’ Maybe...but you sound too needy. 

“Today’s guest is Lee Chaeun of Suwon! Tell us your story, please.” 

You turn to look at the guest who walks onto the set and sits at the head of the pillow mats. She’s clearly a young girl, her baby face is covered by face-framing layers of shiny black hair and her eyes are already glassy.

“Last year, I began dating my crush after years of admiring him from afar...Everything seemed so perfect until last week….He dumped me by text message saying he needed space and now he’s with someone new..” Chaeun bursts into tears and the host fakes a sympathetic face and passes her a box of tissues.

“Ah, you’re young...you don’t know anything yet. This is a normal phase for teenagers, men realise themselves and break girls down so they become beautiful women. It’s just a case of a little girl not wanting to grow up!” Chimes in the Comedian, who talks about his falsities as if they’re facts.

The audience erupts into laughter and the heartbroken teenager lowers her head in embarrassment. Which only makes you more enraged, Who told that guy he was funny?

“Chaeun has every right to be upset!” You exclaim, cutting through the laugher like a hot knife. “When a relationship ends when everything seems alright for one person, it's cruel. Being blindsided isn’t a joke. It hurts and she deserves closure, and to move on someday to a better person..What happened to her shouldn’t happen to anyone!”  You barely register a gentle hand on top of yours, far too surprised by the fact there are tears dripping down your face. Crying wasn’t an option, so you pull yourself together and apologise to Chaeun and the host you cannot stand.

“Y/N, You seemed personally moved by Chaeun’s story, have you experienced a painful breakup?” The host asks curiously.

“You could say that,” You begin with a wry smile. “I was with someone who lived a double life, they were completely different when they were with other people...Things ended when I was still planning for future dates...it made me realise how fake they were.”

The guests all nod and you squeeze Chaeun’s hand, she smiles at you seeming relieved that she isn’t the only one who has felt this kind of pain. 

Everything goes smoothly after that, other guests chime in and the actress that seemed snobby is openly discussing her ex vomiting all over her Valentinos. You can’t help but wonder if the company really suggested this, or if it was divine intervention (Choi San, your manager). 

You don’t feel so alone anymore, everyone is guaranteed several things, two being love and heartbreak of some kind. 

“Thanks to singer Y/N and actress Sojung, Chaeun was able to feel a little better...Thank you for joining us on ‘Help No Counsellor!’, Join us next week when…’

“Choi San, you sneaky bastard.”

He tries to act surprised but a shit-eating grin soon overtakes his acting, Iris shakes her head and zips her makeup bag closed. It isn’t long until you’re all at The Min’s enjoying red bean bread and warm tea.  “What does inept even mean? I’m assuming it’s a good thing because Wooyoung kissed me after saying it.” San mentions, his lips curving upwards at the fond memory.

“I’d have to agree with Woo, it fits you perfectly.” You reply, circling around his question while Iris tries not to choke on her food.

Fits of laughter die down when you spot a familiar face, Lee Mijoo. 

Her blonde hair flows down her back in loose curls and her soft eyes seem to enchant everyone, admittedly even you for a short time.Behind her is a slightly taller figure dressed in all black and your stomach drops.They don’t seem to notice your presence, so you decide to use this valuable time to hide behind a menu. 

San and Iris try to play along best they can, but it is quite distressing that all of this has happened so suddenly, with no prior warning. But he did bring you here, a lot. So it’s amusing to see his date ideas haven't changed. 

As he’s walking past you he pauses, and you want to shrivel into a hole and die, He’s clearly recognised you but can’t be 100% sure due to The Min’s menu covering your entire face. 

“Y/N?” 

Shit. You cannot hide from this.

Slowly taking the menu away and placing it down on the table you smile at him, maybe a little too forced but it’s the best you can do. His hair is blonde now, his curls are long gone but his smile is as genuine as ever. 

Stupid Christopher Bang and his stupid ‘I-totally-didn’t-break-your-heart’ attitude.

“Chan, nice to see you. Still obsessed with their double shots?” You humoured, he seemed grateful for that.

“Oh, absolutely...and I see you’re still not saving any bean bread for anyone else.” 

You laugh, it’s a bittersweet one at best but nevertheless it’s a laugh.

'Well it’s great to see you again, I’d love to exchange numbers if that’s alright?” 

Without thinking you nod and oblige him, much to your friend’s disappointment which is evident by their glares. Mijoo exchanges smiles with everyone, who could hate her? She was funny, kind hearted and beautiful in every aspect. 

When they finally leave to their outside seats you breathe a sigh of relief and sink into the chair.Iris strokes your hair and San grabs more snacks to go, the walk home isn’t peaceful. It’s awkward and silent, which only makes your head spin more. When you drop off Iris you know a lecture is coming, San hates doing it but you know he tells you what you need to hear, even if it hurts.

“Look, I’m happy you were able to brush off all the hurt today but earlier on you were crying about….this. Don’t give him the power to hurt you twice.”

“You’re right, thanks Sannie.” You reply, taking his arm and smiling at the warmth of his (Wooyoung’s) fuzzy coat. 

Once San leaves and you get inside, it’s a matter of minutes before you hop in the shower and get rid of all the hairspray and mascara that’s been making you itch all day. The warm water soothes away your nerves and the impending frostbite from being outside in the cold for far too long. 

Once you feel clean and somewhat scalded you step out onto warm fluffy towels (cheap warm fluffy towels with holes in them) and get situated for bed.

Just as you exit the bathroom your phone rings and you answer immediately, it’s probably Iris wanting you to play a new Among Us mod with her. 

“Iris?”

“Uh, no, Chris.” 

“Oh.” is your initial reply, why would he call you at midnight?

“Where you asleep? I’m sorry I’ll call back another ti-”

“No!” You interject, much too eagerly. “No...it’s fine. I’m not even in bed yet.”

“Oh” He sounds relieved, much the opposite of you.

“I just wanted to congratulate you...The song, it’s great. What’s it like actually singing one you wrote?”

“Great,” You admit with a smile he can't see, “It feels...genuine. I Couldn't stand the thought of giving the song away.”

“I can see why.” He replies in an unreadable tone.

“Did it make you uncomfortable? Me singing...about-”

“No, why would it?” He cuts in, he sounds slightly agitated.

“Look, Chan, I’m sorry. I should’ve texted you, well I did but you changed your number. But it’s my story too, okay? I needed to heal somehow.”

Minutes pass with no answer, as if he’s trying to think of exactly what to say without getting more irritated or to spare your feelings.

“When did I become Chan?” His voice comes out wavering,and it hurts you.

“That’s what everyone calls you now, you’re not just Chris the trainee anymore.” You reply in a gentle way, trying to ease the building tension.

“But to you, when did I stop being Chris?”

“Probably when you broke my heart,” You deadpan, before adding a ‘kidding’ and bullshit reason.

“You weren’t kidding, but you broke mine too. Don’t make me the bad guy.”

This had taken you aback, you had been in a perfectly happy relationship for almost two years and then he changed his mind, said he wasn’t happy and it wasn’t your fault. When the fuck did you break his heart?

“When exactly did that happen?” You query, “Before or after Mijoo?”

Chan lets out a dry laugh, “Don’t talk about what you don’t understand.”

“Well what does it matter? You never told me shit anyways.” You snapped.

“That’s because you wouldn’t fucking listen. Maybe to you it was all sunshine and roses but I was struggling, I changed and outgrew us. I didn’t want to but you were stuck in dreamland where we’d debut at the same time and live happily ever after. I realised it wasn’t going to happen and set you free so you wouldn’t be embarrassed.”

“Embarrassed?” You bark,”Fucking embarrassed of what exaclty? I left that shithole you call your company by choice and worked my way up. I’m not embarrassed, but you should be. You’re a fucking sellout Christopher Bang.”

Before he can reply you end the call and throw your phone at the wall, it would’ve broken only for the forty dollar case the store assistant convinced you to buy. You burst into tears just like you had that night when it all came crashing down. He must’ve loved seeing you in pain, because he keeps doing it even now.

That night, you wish for everything to go back to a time before him and the heartbreak that followed.

It’s early on a Friday when you’re called into a board meeting with the CEO, Director and San, who looks like someone stepped on his clay masterpiece. You still haven’t been told anything and as the minutes pass by you wonder if they found out about you getting drunk at Club Suran several weeks back. What if someone saw San there too? What if–

Suddenly the doors open and in walks JYP’s CEO, followed by several others and finally Chris. He looks as confused as you, but you quickly look away before he spots you. Last night was still fresh in your mind and you didn’t need anymore reminders or conversations with him.

“Dispatch has sent us several photos of you two together, spanning several years.” Your CEO announces, an Executive pulling the photos up on the screen behind her. “Including one from yesterday.”

“That was a coincidence, we broke up a long time ago.” You admit, she seems satisfied with your answer and nods, which makes you remember that damned dating ban you have.

“Usually, we’d shoot down these rumours immediately...but this could be quite beneficial to both Stray Kids and Y/N.” JYP’s CEO adds, “Stock prices have shown a rise for both of your albums, and real time searches are at an all time high.” 

“I have a girlfriend.” Chan states, arms folded. “So that’s out of the question if you’re implying we fake a relationship.”

“Look Bang Chan,” Begins one of the Advisors, “It’s all for show, we’ll plan every detail and your girlfriend will keep her mouth shut if she knows what's good for her. Frankly, our sales aren't what they used to be and you need this, if you want complete musical and artistic control.”

Chan takes a while to think, you know this is all he’s wanted. Control over everything he and the boys put out there, with no censorship or edits by anyone else. Your CEO assures you you’ll also benefit from the agreement, including your debt fully cleared and money in your bank account as soon as you sign on the dotted line.

“How long does this last?” You ask, pen in hand.

“Twelve months, then you’re free again.” 

Chan looks to you for conformation and you ignore him, signing it and standing up to leave. You only stop to sign more formalities and then you and San head back to your local coffee shop. 

“Well, you sure have a funny way of moving on.”

#i'm sorry in advance #however thoughts are welcomed #skz chan #skz scenarios #skz imagines #skz x reader #skz x you #skz x y/n #stray kids blurbs #stray kids scenarios #bang chan angst #stray kids imagines #skz blurbs #stray kids chan x reader #bang chan #bang chan imagines #bang chan blurbs #bang chan x reader #bang chan x you

[blueskrugs]

5 Times You Posted about Him, and One Time He Posted about You | Chris Kreider

I sent an anon to @kreiderrider​ way back at the end of April for Chris’ birthday and still haven’t stopped thinking about it, so apparently I’m writing it now. also for @bobohtuzzo​ for our never-ending loop of being mean to each other with Chris gifs.

TL;DR: this is Taylor’s fault for making me a Kreider girl, and and both hers Bayan’s fault for encouraging and enabling me.

length: 2.8k words

You knew when you started dating Chris that he was not social media’s biggest fan. And that was fine. You were hardly an influencer yourself, and you were pretty sure you followed more dogs than people on Instagram. So the pictures you took of Chris– Chris being cute, Chris doing mundane things, Chris with his bitchface on– stayed firmly in a locked album on your phone.

Until one day when you were sitting on the couch, leaning against Chris while he read a book, flipping through Instagram stories on your phone. One of your friends from high school had posted a cute picture with her boyfriend, and you paused to look at it. Chris rested his chin on your shoulder to peer at your phone. 

“They’re cute,” he murmured, pressing a quick kiss to your shoulder. You hummed in agreement. “How come you never post about me?”

You twisted around to look at him. “First of all, how do you even know that I don’t? Second of all, you want nothing to do with any sort of social media.” 

Chris flicked your nose. “Mika tells me things. And I don’t hate social media, I just don’t really get the point of it. Who the fuck cares what I’m doing every second of the day, who I got lunch with, where I got lunch? Anyway, I don’t really mind if you post about me every once in a while. I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide our relationship just because I avoid Instagram like the plague.” Chris pressed a kiss to your forehead to punctuate his sentence. 

You settled back in against Chris, resuming your mindless scrolling, and looking forward to the first opportunity to show off your boyfriend. 

Chef Chris Chris loved to cook. Part of it came from his absolutely ridiculous diet, you knew, but he also enjoyed the quiet time that cooking gave him, a way to be productive without requiring a ton of energy. The kitchens in either of your apartments were often filled with the smell of something good, for lunches, for dinners on nights off, for a quick meal after a game. Chris rarely let you help him with anything, which was fine because you preferred to bake, and it let you watch him. 

There was something about watching Chris cook that you just adored. He would always end up so focused, a strange intensity in his eyes that resembled the look he sometimes got on the ice. But then you would say something– a stupid joke that you’d seen on the internet, a funny story from work, or a something ridiculous your dog had done that morning– and he would laugh, his eyes lighting up again, and his dimples showing. 

Tonight, Chris was standing over the stove making a risotto. You had begged him for it during a rare full weekend off at home for the Rangers, and he had finally conceded. One of your playlists was playing softly in the living room, and you were perched on a barstool at the island, your dog curled beneath your feet. You weren’t sure if he wanted to be close to you, or if he was just waiting for Chris to give him a piece of chicken. 

Chris was stirring the risotto intently, his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth a little bit. You were already scrolling through your phone, so you couldn’t resist snapping a quick picture for your Instagram story, simply throwing an emoji of a chef in the corner.

You were checking the views on your story later that night and responding to the few people that had replied to it, when Chris saw your phone screen. 

“Hang on, gimme that,” he said, pausing the hockey game he was watching. “How did I not notice you take this?” He looked closer at your phone. “And how many fucking followers do you have, holy shit.”

You took your phone back, seeing that Brett Howden had asked why he didn’t get any dinner. “I got a bunch more after I started dating you,” you said. Chris looked concerned. “Don’t make that face, you dork. I don’t really care, and if I did, I could just make my account private.” 

Chris still looked a little alarmed at the number of people who had seen him cook dinner, but he turned back to the hockey game, anyway. 

Sing Us a Song There was a piano in Chris’ apartment. It was tucked away in the spare bedroom, and he avoided playing it when people were over, even when it was just the two of you. You had lamented that fact once, and Chris had said something about just wanting to spend all his time focused on you. You let it go, but that didn’t mean you weren’t dying to hear him play, especially since everyone who had could only compliment him.

It was nearly Christmas when you let yourself into Chris’ apartment with your spare key. The two of you had spent an entire weekend decorating, and the space was absolutely filled with Christmas spirit. You had been baking cookies, and you were dropping some off for Chris to bring home to Massachusetts and his family. You smiled as you heard the familiar chords of “Celebrate Me Home” echoing through the apartment. Your penchant for listening to Christmas music at all hours was beginning to rub off on Chris finally. You paused, though, when you realized that the voice drifting through the apartment was not Kenny Loggins, but Chris. 

You set the cookies and your purse down gently on a counter, kicking off your snow boots and quietly making your way through the apartment. You peered around the doorway of the spare bedroom. Chris’ back was to you, since the piano faced the windows looking out over the city, as he continued singing. You slipped your phone out of your coat pocket and began recording. You made sure to keep quiet as Chris began playing “The Christmas Song.” You stayed there for a minute longer before putting your phone away and walking into the room.

Chris jumped a little as you put your hand on his shoulder. “Your hands are freezing, Christ, Y/N. How long have you been here?”

You kissed his temple. “Sorry. Just came to drop off cookies and couldn’t resist listening to you for a while. I wish you’d sing for me more often.” Chris blushed all the way up to his ears. 

Later that night, back home and with a pie in the oven this time, you edited the videos you took a little bit and put them up on your Instagram story. You left it captionless.

Your DMs were soon filled with people commenting on how talented Chris was and begging for more videos of him. You screenshotted them all– maybe a little smugly– and sent them to Chris. All you got back was an emoji sticking its tongue out at you. 

Somewhere on a Beach There was absolutely nothing that you loved more than a good vacation. As the Rangers’ bye week approached, Chris was getting desperate to get out of the city, and you were looking forward to a week on a beach.

The Rangers won their last game before the break, and then the two of you were on a plane to Hawaii for some valuable time in the sun. Chris had found a rental with a private stretch of beach, and you both had bags full of books to read.

“Chris, you need to put on sunscreen!” you yelled as he walked across the sand, sunglasses perched on his nose and book in hand, on the first day. He had complained but let you cover him in sunscreen; he got burnt anyway. 

Mika made a crispy potato joke later that night in response to Chris’ whiny text. 

You got a couple good Instagram posts out of the vacation. One was simply pictures of you that you had made Chris take– “like a good Instagram boyfriend, babe” – plus a couple well-executed timer shots of both of you on the beach: sandy toes, sunburnt nose. The other was a small collection of photos you took of Chris throughout the week, in various positions in various chairs, all with a different book. Your favorite was the time you had caught him asleep on the beach, book still clutched precariously in his hand, mouth hanging open as he burned in the sun. I will never understand how he can read a book a day and still never run out of books, you had typed as a caption. 

Dog Lover Chris was sick. You were sure he had been fighting through shit for nearly two weeks but had been too stubborn to admit it, and he had finally hit a wall. You had caught him leaning heavily against the bathroom sink that morning, dizzy and nauseous, as he attempted to get ready for practice; it still took both you and Mika yelling at him, with more than one threat to call Quinn and/or his mother, before he agreed to stay home. 

You had forced him to at least eat a piece of toast before you let him collapse on the couch under most of the blankets you had in your apartment. You sent Mika a picture of Chris in his fever haze, zoned out while watching the morning news. 

You luckily had the day off, so you were able to stay close to your idiot boyfriend with a penchant for ignoring injury and illness. It started storming after you ate lunch, rain lashing against the windows and lightning lighting up the dark New York sky, shrouded with clouds. Chris was still slouched on one end of the couch, barely having moved all morning. You were sitting at the other end with a book, his feet in your lap and thumb idly rubbing circles on his ankle, having ignored Chris’ protests that you were going to get sick, too. 

Later, when you were making dinner, you peeked into your living room to check on Chris. He had thrown most of his blankets onto the floor, and he was sprawled out on his stomach, solidly asleep. Your dog had crawled up onto the couch with him and was laying protectively over Chris’ legs. You smiled at them before reaching for your phone to take a picture. 

First you sent it to Mika: “Sometimes I think he’s only dating me for my dog.” with an eye roll emoji. Mika laughed at that one. 

Then you posted it on your Instagram, this time with the caption everyone knows dog cuddles are the best medicine. Your replies were flooded with get-well wishes for Chris. 

Best Friends Everyone knew that Mika and Chris were pretty much inseparable, both on the ice and off of it. You and Irma had bonded over it one night, when what was supposed to be a nice double date devolved into Chris and Mika discussing the chances of various teams winning the Cup. It had only been November. 

You teased the two about their codependency, but honestly it was endearing. Mika ended up over for dinner more nights than not, and you texted him more than you texted your mom. Mika sometimes crashed movie nights at Chris’ apartment, and all three of you ended up in a tangled mess of limbs and blankets before the end of the night without fail. It was completely undeniable that Chris loved Mika, so it was inevitable that you loved Mika, too. 

The Rangers were having another outdoor practice in Central Park. You loved going to any practice, but the outdoor ones were especially fun to watch. It always seemed like half of New York showed up to watch, and the boys were always more energetic and idiotic than usual.

You hung around close to the boards behind one of the goals during practice. You got some good pictures of the boys warming up, including one particularly cute one of Artemi sticking his tongue out at you. As practice went on, you took more pictures as various Rangers sped past you. The best opportunity was when Chris scored a – frankly ridiculous, honestly – goal over Hank’s shoulder, set up perfectly by Mika. They slammed into the boards next to you in celebration, and you managed to snap a great angle of that smile Mika seemed to reserve specifically for Chris.

All of the WAGs and families were allowed onto the ice after practice ended. You carefully made your way over towards where Chris and Mika were lazily leaning against the boards near one of the benches, nearly running over tripping over Igor’s dog in the process when he ran in front of you, gleefully dragging a leash behind him. 

Chris was facing you, but he didn’t see you approach. You, however, could see the dorky grin he had aimed at Mika from where he was slouching against the wall. As you got closer, you took out your phone and snuck one more picture of the two of them.

You couldn’t resist posting those pictures of your boys. You made sure to tag Mika, adding on the caption someone tell me how I can get a boy to look at me the way Chris and Mika look at each other. 

Mika replied with an eye roll emoji and a blue heart. Irma replied with about five cry-laughing emojis. Chris just looked offended. 

His Turn Chris had managed to convince you to join him for a week in Connecticut, and you had managed to convince him to let you drive up. He grumbled about it all the way out of the city. 

You had your sunglasses on and your hair was loose around your shoulders. Chris’ phone was plugged into your aux, but he had turned on your own road trip playlist. (He complained about your taste in music most of the drive, too.) As you got closer to Connecticut, Chris rolled the windows down. Every once in a while, you glanced over at him, only to already find him watching you with a smile on his face, eyes crinkly and dimple showing. 

You were singing the words to a Taylor Swift song at the top of your lungs, laughing as the wind ripped the words from your throat and out the window, when Chris reached over and picked up your phone. You turned to look at him.

“Eyes on the road,” he scolded, still holding your now-unlocked phone. You raised an eyebrow but turned back to the highway in front of you. 

The song changed again, this time to a Queen song, and you laughed again. Chris started singing along with you, and you forgot that he had been taking a picture of you. 

Later that night, long after the sun set, you got a notification that you had been tagged in a new Instagram post, by @2kreids0. You squinted at your phone screen, confused. You were sitting out on the porch under the stars, and Chris had gone in for dessert (something still stupidly healthy– “It’s the offseason, Kreider!” you had protested) only a couple minutes before.

Still frowning a little, you tapped on the notification. A picture of yourself, with the sun in your face and hair blowing out the window, laughing, eyes bright underneath your sunglasses, filled your screen. It could only have been taken by Chris in your car earlier. You looked at the Instagram handle again.

“Hey, babe?” you called as Chris stepped back outside, trying to balance two bowls and two glasses of wine. He looked up at you. “Did you make an Instagram?” Chris blushed. You looked back at the picture, this time reading the caption below it: I’ll drive anywhere with you, just to hear you sing your favorite songs. 

Chris had moved to stand next to you, still blushing to the tips of his ears. “I might have.” You laughed, taking your glass of wine from Chris’ hand and pulling him down for a kiss. 

“I thought you didn’t see the point?” you asked.

Chris shrugged. “I didn’t. Then you started posting pictures of me all the time, and I started to understand why people share the things they love for everyone to see.” 

“You’re a sap, Kreider,” you said, all fondness. You smiled at him from behind the rim of your wine glass as he took another picture of you. “Is this what I’m like?” you asked. Chris let out a surprised laugh. 

The next morning you were tagged again by Chris. You rolled your eyes. When you opened the notification, you saw the picture from the night before, but there was also a second one, one you didn’t know Chris had taken. It was of you, of course, but you were glaring at something on your phone over your coffee mug, glasses on and hair a mess. This time he had captioned it get you a girl who can do both. 

“Christopher!” You were already beginning to regret showing him exactly how to work Instagram the night before. As you heard Chris laughing his way down the stairs, though, you thought that you could really get used to it, even if Chris probably had some revenge posts in store for you. 

#cait writes things #chris kreider #chris kreider fic #chris kreider imagine #nhl fic #nhl imagine #hockey fic

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #442

“the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right?”

Would you ever sell your soul? No. Do you believe that something is going to happen in 2012? Welp, clearly not. I never believed it. Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? No, but I'd love to! When was the last time you slept in someone else’s bed? Uhhh not since I visited Sara, I think. Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level? Loud, for sure. Louder than I should listen to. Did the last person you kiss have a tattoo? No. What’s the last song you heard? "The Bird and the Worm" by The Used. Has anyone told you they missed you lately? No. What are you most likely to do when you’re exhausted; take a nap, drink some coffee, or go for a run to get yourself pumped up again? Naps definitely win. What are you most likely to pick if you got to choose your topic on a research paper; drug abuse, mental illness, or the death penalty? Mental illness, for sure. What is your favorite month of the year and why? October, bc aesthetic. What’s your least favorite animal? Probably wasps. They're mean fuckers that kill bees. What was your class song when you graduated? Some super shitty country song. Have you ever had to spend the night outside (not camping)? No. What`s the scariest living animal that you`ve petted? A tarantula, I'd say. She was a sweet rose hair that I literally did pet, which you absolutely should not do to tarantulas, but I knew nothing about them at the time. The urticating hairs on their abdomens cause serious itching, and I tell ya, that sure happened. So did you play old school Nintendo or Atari or Sega? If so which one? We had an old Atari for a long time. When/where did you meet your first love? In the hallway, during my sophomore year of high school. Is there anyone you dislike, that you have to see/speak to regularly? Hm, what qualifies as "regularly," really? I don't like my sister's husband, who I see semi-regularly, but I don't really talk to him. Does your family eat any unique foods for Thanksgiving that aren’t the norm? If so, what are they? Nah, not that I can think of. If you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it? What is your favorite flavor? Milk; I don't like it with water. I only eat the apples and cinnamon kind. Was the last video you watched on YouTube a music video? If not, what was it of? It's a let's play. Have you ever been brave enough to cut your hair in a very different way? If you have, did you regret your decision after? Yes, and I still love it. What was the last book you had to read for school? Did you enjoy it, or were you just trying to get through? The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. I loved it. Has anyone you know personally ever won the lottery? If so, how much did they win? Would/have you ever play(ed) the lottery? No to both questions. I have a very addictive personality, so I don't really mess with dangerous things that might tempt that behavior. What band/celebrity/etc. do you know the most information about? Who would you like to learn more about? Markiplier, ha ha. As for who I'd like to know more about... hm. Have your friends met the last person you kissed? Girt has. Who has made the biggest difference in your life? Jason. You get a text from someone saying that they want to hang out - who would you most like it to be from? Also Jason. -_- What is the name on your birth certificate (feel free to withhold your last name for privacy reasons)? Brittany Marie is all you need to know. Even if shopping isn’t your favorite... every girl has a favorite store. What’s yours? My favorite physical store is Hot Topic, but my favorite store overall is Rebel's Market, which I'm pretty sure is just an online source. Which type of undies do you wear most: Thongs, bikini/briefs, bootyshorts, or granny panties? Don't you dare laugh, I prefer "granny panties" lmfao. They're what I'm comfortable in, okay. How many nail polishes do you have, if you were to take a guess? *I* have none. Idk about Mom, but I know not a lot. Are you on birth control? Do you use condoms? I use birth control to regulate my period and ease cramps. If I was sexually active though, both would be musts for me. When did you start your period? How did you react? Who did you tell first? When I got home from school sometime in middle school. I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I was EXTREMELY upset. Like, I cried, because I didn't feel like a kid anymore. My mom was the first to know. Have you ever had sex while on your period? If so, would you ever do it again? NO NO NO NO THAT SOUNDS SO GROSS LKASDFJ;AJW;LKERJA;WEJLRKQWLKE;JR. Which way do you swing (boys, girls, or both)? I'm bi. Or pan. I really don't know. Tell me ALL about your longest/most serious relationship. Are you still in that relationship? How about I don't, because doing that I'm sure will send me in a PTSD spiral. No, we're no longer together. Who is your ALL TIME best friend (don’t count your boyfriend, either, silly!)? Sara. I don't think I've been as close with any other best friend. Which one of your friends has the best singing voice? SARAAAAAAAAAAA. What shade are you in foundation or concealer? I don't have a clue. I don't wear either. Have you ever showered with someone? Boy or girl? Were you completely naked? "Were you completely naked." No, I shower with underwear on. I've showered with my little sister as well as my best friend as a kid. I've never shared a shower as an adult and don't want to. Do you think you’re good enough for the person you like? No. Are you a cuddler or no? If I'm really into you, YUP. And if it's not hot. Wouldn’t it be kinda annoying to have to share a bed every night? No. I miss it sometimes. Have you ever walked on a beach at night? Yes. It's beautiful. Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? Pretty easily, yeah. Would you marry someone you didn’t love if you were paid 10 thousand dollars? No. I just wouldn't be able to stomach doing that. I'm solely marrying for love. Have you had sex today? I haven't in many years. Do you still care about your last ex? Very very much! Do you own more then one bathing suit? Nope. Is there any alcohol in the fridge? Yeah, but none I like. Who have you recently made up with after fighting? Nobody. Who do you WANT to make up with? Jason. Megan. Do you get scared easily? Hm. It really depends on the situation. Have you seen UP? Never the full movie, actually. I need to. How many coats of mascara do you use? I use it so rarely that I barely know. Two, maybe? What’s your favorite bracelet? The one Sara gave me. I used to always wear it, but it's worn down with time and is too loose for me now, so it's just with my jewelry. What color hair does your mom have? It's naturally gray now, but she dyes it black. Favorite song to listen to when you are mad? "Headache" by Motionless In White does it. What restaurant would you want to work at? NONE. I ain't working with hungry people. I don't want to work with people - period. When people ask “how are you?” do you say “good” even if you aren’t? Depends on who's asking. If it's a stranger or someone I barely know, odds are I'm just going to reply with "fine" or something like that. Were you honestly a good kid? Yes. Is anything wrong with your eyes? I have to wear glasses, so. Have you kissed or hugged anyone today? No. What is your mom’s and dad’s favorite TV show? I don't really know for either. Mom watches loads of shows, and I don't live with Dad, so. I know he really likes The Big Bang Theory, though, which Mom also loves. Have you ever suspected your mom or dad of having an affair? No, but ~supposedly~, Dad did with his now-wife. I don't know what the fuck is true between my parents, though. Do you think buying second hand clothes is gross? It depends on the type of clothing (ex., used underwear is a huge fucking no), as well as the state it's in. Does it gross you out when your parents kiss? They're divorced. That would be incredibly weird, uncomfortable, and impossible with how I know at least Mom feels towards Dad. Do you have a playlist made on YouTube? Yeah, multiple. Do you like dollar stores? I mean, sure? They have good deals occasionally and are a good option to stop for a quick snack or something. Mom doesn't actually *shop* in them, though. What’s the last thing you bought from one? I think a honeybun. Do you think it’s weird how babies are made? Well, yeah. Science can be crazy, though. Have you ever lost a friend over the opposite sex? No. Are you comfortable in a short skirt? I wouldn't be comfortable in ANY skirt. Do you and your family go on a vacation ever year? We essentially never do. Vacations cost money. We don't have money to spare. When you were going out with your last ex and you had the chance to date your celebrity crush, would you have left your bf/gf for them? No, because it's not like I know him personally, while I know her very deeply. Who was your most romantic moment with? Jason. Do you sweat easily? Like you wouldn't BELIEVE. A side effect of one (or even multiple) of my meds is hyperhidrosis, so I can sweat an ocean in two minutes, it seems. It's disgusting, and I am so self-conscious about it. What’s one memory you wish would just vanish? Just a specific moment with Jason that is particularly agonizing to recall. Are you in love with someone? No. Partying or watching a movie? Partying isn't my thing. I'd have more fun watching a movie with friends. What pisses you off the most? Child molesters/rapists, probably. Where do you want to be at a year from now? I just want a job by then, dude. I also hope I've lost a lot of weight. Do you like pickles? Only dill pickles. If you saw someone broken down on the side of the road, would you stop to help? Honestly, no. I don't trust people. What do you do with your plastic grocery bags after you unload your things? We put our plastic bags into one big bag for later use. Have you ever slept in a water bed? Yes. How often do you use Flickr? I don't. I only ever check my friend's for meerkat photos, ha ha. Share three nice memories you have of the person you fell hardest for. No, unless you want me to cry. Have you ever made any of your friends cry? Not deliberately of course, but yes. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? God no, I look high. Out of all the guys you know, who would you trust to not cheat on you? Girt. I know he never would, especially because HE'S been cheated on. How do you plan on disciplining your children? NOT by physical means, I can tell you that much. If I actually had kids, I'd teach them through (hopefully) primarily deeply talking things out. If need be, there'd be time out, grounding, things like that. I do NOT support methods like spanking your kid, so that's a big no. If you could live in another country, would you? What country? Yes; Canada. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Quinn, probably. What’s one health problem you wish you didn’t have? It's a tie between depression and anxiety. What is your cure for hiccups? NOTHING works for me. It's the worst. Did you ever do anything in class that annoyed other students? I mean, I don't think so. Have you used a Ouija board and had a freaky experience with it? I've never messed with one, and I don't want to. I don't know if I believe in their supernatural abilities or not, but I ain't fuckin around and finding out. Do you stick with a political party, or vote for who you like best? I pick based on their policies and morals, not necessarily their party. Do you know anyone who is an albino? No. Word search or crossword puzzle? Word searches. When you watch a game show, do you like to see people win or lose? Aw, who wants to see them lose? It's great to see people win and be so excited. Do you have a pair of fake redneck, vampire, etc. teeth? No. What is your favorite Pixar film? Finding Nemo. Do you get really mad when you lose a game? Not at all. I'm not very competitive, and games are about having fun. When was the last time you used a pay phone? I actually don't think I ever have. Who did you have your most amazing kiss with? Jason. Do you go to church every Sunday? I never go to church as I'm not religious. If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Writing. What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? Who the fuck cares. If they're comfortable and at least have a shirt on, let 'em. Most women have breasts, big whoop. Do you even like politics? God no. What’s it like at raves? Oh god, I'd never go. Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone? lol yes

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''self esteem'' by the offspring

[keishins-ukai]

I Just Wanna Be Your Favourite Boy

(here’s a link if you prefer reading on ao3)

The amount of alcohol flowing in Kuroo’s veins was not enough to distract him from how pathetic all of this truly was . He was at his first University party, he was surrounded by beautiful people and free alcohol, he should be having the time of his life, right? Tetsurō sat in his friend’s garden with his back resting against the cold brick of the house, his head resting there too. His arms were balanced on his pulled-up knees, his eyes closed.

To any party-goers that ventured outside this would look normal, like the first year partied too hard and passed out super early – it's not like that kind of thing doesn’t happen all the time. Then they’d notice the earbuds still in his ears (though they weren’t playing anything, he just didn’t want to speak to anyone), the dry tear tracks down his cheeks, the ever so slight shaking of his chin. Well, that or the glitter-like sparkle that seemed to be all around the black-haired boy

Tears had become a very common part of Tetsurō’s life recently, a fact he hated with every fibre of his being. Six months ago, you would need the saddest song on earth put in the background of the saddest video on earth and he might have considered crying. Now all it took now was the thought of blond and black hair, golden eyes, mint vodka that smelled like his shampoo…

The stars hadn’t appeared until his first day of university. He had texted Kenma when he’d woken up - Kuroo always texted as soon as he woke up – some dumb chemistry joke he’d found the night before, trying to convey his excitement at finally starting his course. Kenma never usually replied immediately, though this day he did, though Kuroo didn’t actually know why (Kuroo would look back and see it as the first sign. Kenma told him everything)

Kenma had only sent a gif of a cat showing almost complete apathy, but Kuroo’s heart started racing nonetheless, mind spiralling at all of the possible meanings behind the response and never once landing on the real answer (Kenma just woke up earlier than normal). They’d texted a lot of the day, Kuroo only turning his phone off during classes, not wanting to make any bad impressions.

While it obviously hadn’t been the reason, in the following months Kuroo had started to blame turning his phone off as the inciting event as when he turned his phone on he got the notification, the moment that changed everything. It was so small, so seemingly inconsequential.

Instagram: Kodzuken has posted a photo

Kenma’s Instagram consisted mainly of photos from games he was playing, purposely unflattering pictures of himself or animals. But that day was different. He posted a picture of him and Hinata, and the orange-haired boy was positively grinning into the camera, Kenma wasn’t even smiling but Kuroo could tell he was happy, that he was less stressed than he had been for a lot of the summer.

Kuroo knew that what he told himself was unfair, that there simply wasn’t enough data to support the idea of ‘he likes Shōyō more’. But none of that mattered, Kuroo just knew. He didn’t need evidence to prove that Kenma had feelings for the shrimp, the ever so slight dimple was proof enough – even Kuroo had only seen that dimple once, and he wasn’t the one who bought it out.

Crying in the men’s bathroom, as it turns out, is neither very comfortable nor as discreet as one would imagine, though that didn’t matter to Tetsuro as the itching and burning sensation was the only thing he could think about. ‘What the hell is this?’ repeated in his mind as he did his best to stop the small glass-like crystals from falling to the floor and creating even more noise. After spending what felt like an eternity researching what could possibly in all hell be happening to him he moved, hating the quiet twinkling sounds in his pocket.

‘Of course this would happen to me.’ Kuroo would think to himself repeatedly over the next few days ‘Star fucking tears’.

-

Stars Tears

Caused by intense but unrequited love, always romantic, ‘star tears’ is a rare condition wherein the afflicted will secrete small crystalline shards from their tear ducts, the crystals often being compared to stars which is where the illness got its name. Side effects from stage two ‘star tears’ can include

-          Leaking tear ducts

-          Dryness of the eyeballs

-          Itchiness in the eye area

-          Blocked tear ducts

And in some extreme cases

-          Partial or complete colour blindness

-          Partial or complete sight loss.

As the disease is caused by unrequited love there is no ‘mainstream’ treatment which can cure this, some patients never being cured while others were reportedly healed if the person they loved also loved them back, in a romantic sense.

-

Even though he was aware of how bad an idea it was, Kuroo remained sat in his friend's garden, though now his earphones were playing something. More specifically he had his ‘Kenma’ playlist on which was playing all of the songs and bands that the shorter boy had ever introduced him to. They were playing at full volume to drown out his own thoughts - the ones nibbling on his mind, making him think of lazy nights playing ‘Majora’s Mask’ with him , of the nights leading up to Christmas making their cinnamon and raisin cookies, of the toothbrush that had been Kuroo’s spare but that he’d stolen because of their frequent sleepovers.

He really didn’t want to cry again, having decided that his new rate of three times a week was far too much, but the stars demanded more still. In the beginning, they would only appear if he’d seen his face, whether it be over skype or as a photo. That had been remarkably easy to handle - Kuroo had just moved all of the photos of him to the ‘hidden’ folder on his phone, and minimise the skype screen when they talked. Easy.

But then Kuroo started to really miss him, started to think of him almost every moment of the day, affecting his sleep and work schedule. That’s when he realised how truly fucked he was. You can’t just pick and choose what parts of friendship you want to participate in and expect it to remain completely intact. Kenma didn’t know what was going on, but he could sense a change, making more of an effort to start their conversations, to not leave Kuroo out of what was going on his life, to make sure that the elder knew that they were still friends.

It was unfair how this made everything worse, that Kenma’s thoughtful inclusions made Kuroo feel more excluded than ever, made him feel both like he had a chance and also made him know that Kenma saw him as his closest friend and that he wouldn’t be more. Kenma had always worried with his crushes that initiating things with them would scare them off, that he would be seen as overbearing. Rather than risking anything, he would just wait until he thought the other would like him back before asking them on a date.

The tears started to increase, them coming at just the thought of Kenma when Kuroo hadn’t got any prevention methods. His most effective was to drown out any other noise with the sound of his own music, even investing in better earphones to ensure that he wouldn’t be hearing any other external noises. However, his playlist choice could definitely be improved upon since every voice, every chord, every bar had the Kenma Kozume seal of approval, making the task of not thinking about the boy almost impossible.

Not even twenty minutes alone and his mind wandered, going to almost every stop in Tetsurō’s brain before stopping at one that made his heart dance. If it were a book the edges would be folded, the spine broke, and some of the pages ripped just from the sheer amount of use.

“Stop looking at my ass!” Kenma had demanded, trying his best to wriggle away from Kuroo “This isn’t for you”. The blond wasn’t looking at him, trying to pretend that his attention was on the syringe in his hand.

“You’re the one who asked me to do this.” Kuroo reminds, reaching over for the injection. “And knowing I was coming over to do this you decided to wear trousers rather than shorts when all I need is your thigh, so…” Their eyes meet and the elder man winks.

Kenma’s face scrunches up in retaliation, fingers lingering for just a moment against Kuroo’s, placing the syringe gently in his hand. “What are you trying to suggest?”

He pretends to think for a second when he wipes a disinfectant wipe on his leg, knowing that he technically didn’t need to but also wanting to be as safe as possible. “That maybe you wanted me to see your ass?”

The youngers face calms into a neutral expression. “Dream on Tetsurō.” Despite being quite scared of needles, he had decided on having testosterone injections rather than pills or any other alternative, finding that needing to do injections more infrequently benefitted him more. He’d also figured that getting someone else to administer the injection would have negated his fear.

Kuroo had agreed, why would it be more difficult for an injection to occur when you’re not the one putting the needle in your skin? The answer; Kenma was a wriggler. He moved back on the bed every time that Tetsurō tried to move closer to him “Come on, kitten.” he chides, the pet name tacked on as a joke.

His only answer is a hiss, a literal fucking hiss, as Kenma tries to move his leg away again, but is caught by the ankle and pressed back down to the bed. Kuroo eventually managed to give Kenma his testosterone, despite the difficulty and found that when he went home there was only one thing on his mind. The hiss.

Most people who met Kenma Kozume thought he was polite, shy and awkward. And he was all of those things, but he was also so much more. He was funny, intuitive, self-assured and weird and Tetsurō loved that so much. As soon as he thought the word ‘love’, everything seemed to make sense. Every look that lasted too long, every thought replaced by one of Kenma, every feeling of longing to be with his best friend.

Tetsurō was in love with his partner in crime. He still is.

Rex Orange County is a band that frequently blasts on Kuroo’s phone, them having many songs that fit the themes of unrequited love so well that he had no choice but to really connect with their music. Though there was one song in particular that is constantly on his mind, the song being called ‘Best Friend’.

At some point in his reminiscing Kuroo had put on the song, immediately pressing the repeat button as he moved his head to stare into the night sky.

But no, it wasn't meant to be and see, I wasn't made for you

And you weren't made for me

When he was younger he’d wanted to be an astronomer, having found the stars and the moon fascinating, but he couldn’t stand the sight of them anymore. His hands were shaking, shoulders shaking, lip shaking. Maybe if he got some closure he could move on and get rid of this disease, finally feel whole again.

Love someone for loving you instead of someone really cool

That makes your heart melt

Tetsurō needed to turn this song off, to stop fucking thinking about him, about the man he had literal scientific proof that he doesn’t love him back, but the pure boost of serotonin he got when he thought about Kenma was worth it. It was worth the pain, it was worth the constantly itchy eyes, it was worth feeling sick to his stomach anytime he sees a twinkle.

Oh, I still wanna be your favourite boy

I wanna be the one that makes your day

The one you think about as you lie awake

He started typing the text before he could stop himself, feeling like he was watching himself make this extremely poor decision but having absolutely no power to stop himself. Even if it wouldn’t make Kenma love him it would be cathartic, right? And as long as he’s vague enough he could preserve their friendship, maybe even claim plausible deniability if necessary. The text read: ‘listening to this and thinking about you’ along with a link to Best Friend.

Kenma’s response was very short, only three words but enough to send his heart into a tailspin, for it to stop completely in its tracks, to make him feel like he’d never breathe again. ‘I’m dating Shōyō’

That night Kuroo lost the golden hue of his eyes.

--------------

A special thanks to @wanderlustsky for beta reading this! it was amazingly helpful <3

#kuroken #haikyū!! #angst #star tears #no happy ending #best friend #rex orange county #haikyuu kuroo #kozume kenma #haikyuu kenma #kuroo tetsuro

[its-ya-boi-autumn]

I know I’ve been doing a whole fic on Chrollo but I thought this would be cute (It starts out really sad but I promise it gets cuter) this is just kind of a normal boyfriend AU that I’ve had in my head for a long time because I genuinely think it’s kind of adorable and even though I suck at writing affection and cute content I really wanted to write this so, hope you likey~

You hung up the phone on your mom, not able to handle the pressure from her anymore. Tears fell down your face and pattered onto the concrete below. Enough. You couldn’t take her yelling, her threats, her flat out abuse anymore. Enough was enough. You wondered if he was home, though you weren’t sure you wanted to bother your boyfriend with your problems again. You knew Chrollo would try to help you if he could, however, there wasn’t much he could do other than soothe you and talk to you.

You: Hey, are you home?

It would probably take a while for him to respond, so you got up from your couch to make something to eat. You might as well try now rather than have Chrollo force you to later. The chill from your fridge made you shiver the second it hit your body. A glance around the shelves told you there wasn’t much to eat to begin with. Sighing, you shut the door a little harder than you probably should have, the slam being accompanied by a few bottles of condiments falling over on the inside. You groaned, realizing if anything spilled you’d have to pick it up later. It wasn’t even that big of a deal to clean up a mess, but everything just felt like it was piling up.

Your mom being an asshole, this little mess, you cat being sick to her stomach all the time and you didn’t know why, the library being closed due to illness. Everything seemed to be against you for the time being and you were beginning to feel the toll being taken on you physically and mentally. You never felt like eating or even bathing, your hair greasy for the past 4 days and body odor most likely radiating off of you. A buzz notified you of his reply.

Chrollo: Yes, why? Are you alright?

You: No...

Chrollo: Would you like to talk about it?

You:...yes...

Chrollo: Alright. No one is here but me. You’ll be okay.

Instantly, you grabbed the keys for your car. You didn’t even look good, though you were sure he wouldn’t care either way. Once you dropped into the drivers seat, you simply threw your hair up in a bun so you would look a little less messy. He was still your boyfriend after all and you didn’t want to seem like a total wreck, despite the fact that you were anything but okay as of right now. You then thought about the smell you had accumulated and snatched up the stick of deodorant you kept in your car. It was a little melted due to the heatwave but it would do for now. 

Traffic wasn’t too bad thankfully. Finally, something that didn’t make you feel like the universe hated you. A few stoplights and some back roads later, you had arrived at your boyfriends small house in the middle of practically nowhere. Just like he had promised, none of Chrollo’s friends were there to accompany him. You shot him a text, letting him know you were there while you got out of your car to lock the doors. Sniffling, you climbed the dark wooden steps to his front door. It swung open before you even had the chance to knock.

Chrollo stared down at your red, puffy face. You sniffled again, wiping your eyes to avoid any tears that would try to come out. He moved to the side to let you in.

“I assume it was your mother again?” his voice was so comforting. Soft, gentle, reverberating through your brain and touching every neurotransmitter that elicited a dopamine reaction in your head. You could listen to it all day if you really wanted to. You nodded in response, plopping down on his couch and curling into a ball against the arm. You rested your head on your hand, keeping your eyes forward while Chrollo came to sit next to you. He leaned forward to get a good look at your face as he spoke.

“So, what’d she do this time?” he tried to make some sort of conversation. You were slightly surprised he didn’t offer you anything today. Maybe he just knew you’d decline anything he had. You did every other time, but it was still nice to heard him offer. You sighed.

“I don’t even know what I did this time! I was just asking her about this weekend since she said she wanted to see me and she went off!” you explained. You hands flew up in the air, showing how upset you were about the whole thing. Chrollo nodded.

“Do you mind if I ask what you had planned with her this weekend?” he continued to try and gain some sort of information to help. “Just about the hotel thing she wanted to do. Remember when she asked me if I wanted to do a hotel thing, just to chill out with her and her friend? Yeah, well, that’s not happening...” you felt tears start to well in your eyes. It wasn’t that your mother had said she wouldn’t do it, it was just that you no longer wanted to even bother in it with her. You were just supposed to go over there for the weekend since you hadn’t seen her in a long time and she suggested hanging out together at a small hotel downtown. Of course, she decided on a whim that she’d invite her friend Angela with the two of you. You figured this would turn out bad, considering everything she ever suggested had turned out bad, but you had obliged anyway, thinking this time might be different. God had you been wrong.

“She decided last minute she was gonna take Angela with us and of course for some reason Angela decided not to like me that day so she told my mom something that literally didn’t even do!” you were crying again now. Not entirely sobbing, but the hot tears rolled down your face and slid off your chin. A sighed sounded from Chrollo’s mouth. He obviously didn’t know much of what to do for you. His hand reached out and wiped the tear from under your chin. 

“Would you like anything to eat? Anything to drink?” he instead turned to making offers that he though might potentially help you feel better. The sudden change in subject ticked you off, but you didn’t let it show through. You knew he was just trying to help in the best way he knew how. You turned your red and teary eyes away from him again. 

“A movie you’d like to watch? We can play a game or something if you like. I’m sorry, I don’t know much of what to say, but I don’t like seeing you upset like this.” his warm hand rested on your shoulder, his thumb rubbing gentle circles against your skin. You sat up straighter. 

“Just go ahead and get me some cranberry juice or something... I’m not too hungry...” you replied quietly, standing to make way for the tv. Your eyes scanned over the realm of movies he had in place for nights when the two of you had nothing better to do. Romantic Comedy, Horror, Thriller, Adventure, and not to mention the movies and shows he had on the platforms installed in the tv. You heard him shuffling around in the kitchen, pouring glasses of what was probably your cranberry juice. A few cabinets opened and closed which meant some food would be made as well. You hadn’t been hungry, but Chrollo would insist that you ate something.

He came back, setting down a steaming bowl of something you assumed to be a soup he made for you when you came over. A thin, dark purple liquid filled a glass next to the bowl. Chrollo sat down on the end of the couch, leaning back. You slipped a movie in to watch for the time being and turned to him.

“Come here.” he spoke gently, patting his lap. You smiled and followed the little command. You set yourself up against his chest in his lap, taking the cranberry juice to your lips while Chrollo pulled a blanket from the back of the couch to cover you with. You didn’t really pay attention to what you had put in, but you enjoyed it. Seemed to be a mix of horror and comedy that made the two of you laugh. Chrollo didn’t say much, but you found yourself yelling at characters who made dumb decisions and laughing when you had been right.

“I swear they’re dumb...” you shook your head, Chrollo chuckling next to you. He held on of his hands on the small of your back, moving in circles every now and then. The other rested on your thigh near your knee for extra comfort as well as to hold you closer to him. You had felt a lot better now. You nearly forgot about your mom at this point and didn’t really want to bother thinking about her.

“Okay, I’m bored now, we should listen to music or something.” the suggestion was abruptly made immediately after the movie had finished. Even Chrollo gave you a surprised look.

“Oh? What do you want to listen to?” he scrolled through his phone to look for a playlist. You peeked over and eventually took the phone right out of his hands, picking out the playlist labeled with your name to see if he had added anything new. He had, but there was one song you really wanted to listen to. It had been your favorite for a long time and when you first found out that Chrollo had added it onto his phone, you had been beaming about it for days.

You connected his phone to the tv to let the surround sound speakers in his living room blast the music back to you. You turned your body to face Chrollo while still sitting in his lap. Your body naturally started bouncing to the rhythm. Your head bobbed with the beat, your lips moved in sync with the lyrics, and your hands danced around his chest. Chrollo simply watched you, admiring your every move as you danced and laughed on his lap. A smile played on his lips. Eventually, he found himself moving along too. His head lolling around lazily to the beat with your stronger movements.

Your fingertips played along his chest, poking and prodding when certain words came up. You sang loud and ugly but you didn’t care for the time being, instead singing louder. Chrollo fake cringed at your bad singing and you scoffed teasingly, hitting his chest while he chuckled again.

“You seem to be in a better mood.” he commented, trying to be louder over the music. You just gave him a smile.

“I am~ and it’s all because of you.” you grabbed him by the chin and gave him a light peck on his soft lips. His brows furrowed.

“I don’t think it was me in all, wouldn’t you say? I made you dinner but that was it, you did the music and the movie by yourself dear.” Chrollo always gave you credit for good things, and you appreciated it endlessly. A blush painted your cheeks, but you weren’t embarrassed. Instead, you gave him another peck on the cheek and nuzzled your face in his neck.

“Thank you for trying though, I appreciate it more than you know...” the words came suddenly before you could even think about them. A jolt against your body and a grunt indicated Chrollo’s surprise at those words. It wasn’t like this was the first time you’d said something like this to him. In fact, you told him these things all the time, yet he always seemed not to expect it. His large hand rested on your back, rubbing lovingly.

“Anytime love.” 

#chrollo #hxh #cute #i think #i hope #kinda sad #but it’s okay #because i fixed it #:) #my work #Hunter X Hunter #chrollo lucilfer #fluff #imagine #attempt

[lgbtyrus]

TJ’s Playlist Chapter 6

Story Summary: When Cyrus finds a playlist on TJ’s desktop full of old love songs, he realizes that TJ has never been a scary basketball guy but rather a huge sap. TJ just wished Cyrus could realize that all of those songs remind him of a certain boy who likes chocolate chocolate chip muffins without telling him directly.

With insecurities and fears almost set in stone, it’s hard for TJ to admit that he has a heart aching crush on Cyrus who is trying to avoid just that. Of course, it doesn’t seem like both of them are trying to get over each other when they’re always together.

Ao3 Link | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Words: 4252

Warning: angst, they cuss now

Cyrus found himself still lying awake in his dark room. His blanket had been thrown to the side, and he was sweating. He made his way to his restroom, and when he was washing his hands, he looked up at his mirror. He looked exhausted. He had told TJ goodnight and his intentions were to fall asleep right away like he had for the last few years. It was a gift Andi and Buffy always told him that they envied.

Only he couldn’t.

He kept thinking about his conversation with Buffy and wondered if there was anything that they had done that made her ask that question. What had put the idea in her head?

The only thing that drove him crazier was that he couldn’t get the idea out of his head. When had put the polaroid of him and TJ in his journal, he doodled a heart on the side without thinking. He quickly turned it into a shaded in circle and shut his journal.

He didn’t want to like TJ. He couldn’t like TJ. He didn’t want to be feeling all those butterflies and how his cheeks managed to feel hotter around him even though it was already 90 degrees outside. TJ was the human version of the sun to him, and it was getting harder to look at him. Cyrus couldn’t help but notice the few freckles that dotted his nose. Green was becoming a prettier color to him, and he didn’t want to know if it was because that was the color of TJ’s eyes. Their height difference was becoming a lot more noticeable to him, too. Thinking about their height difference killed him. It was when he wondered if he’d have to stand on his tippy toes to kiss him.

He would do absolutely anything to stop thinking about TJ.

Only it was getting harder.

It was kind of starting to hurt, too. It was the same longing he felt in his chest when he saw Jonah. His obstacle from being with Jonah was Andi and the probable fact that Jonah didn’t like boys. His obstacle with being TJ was simply that he didn’t like boys- making it easier to lose their friendship. If Jonah had found out, he was probably going to say “oh sorry” and then proceed to still be friends with him because of the Good Hair Crew.

If TJ found out, Cyrus had already built 22 different scenarios of it going horribly wrong. Only one of them included a “Sorry, Cyrus. I don’t like guys. But let’s still be friends.” Only, they didn’t ever speak again after that. Cyrus felt like he was driving himself mad thinking of it.

Cyrus made his way back into his room and threw himself at his bed. He hadn’t checked the time in a while, so he unplugged his phone from the charger on his bedside table. He let out a sigh as he realized it was 2:02AM. He felt curse. He had never stayed up for no reason, not even when he liked Iris or Jonah. If anything, he wanted to go to sleep to avoid the fact that he didn’t like kissing Iris as cool as she was. He wanted to fall asleep so that he could dream of another world where Jonah liked him.

But now all he could do is stay away and live in the world where TJ Kippen didn’t like him.

Cyrus shut his eyes once more, his phone gripped in his hand. He tried to fall asleep, and he knew it wasn't working. He slightly picked his head up and slammed it back down repeatedly on his pillow, hoping it'd be enough to take him out. It didn't work.

He began thinking about TJ again as he gave up and lay there. He thought about how he was actually putting in a lot more effort into his math. It made him smile.

Then he remembered.

Cyrus: Hey TJ r u awake?

In less than a minute, there was a response on his phone.

TJ: Yes but u shouldnt be

Cyrus: i can't sleep

TJ: why not?

Because of you!

Cyrus: honestly im not sure. i just have a lot of things running through my mind

You.

TJ: Do you want to talk about it?

Cyrus: I don't think so. I don't even know y i texted u in the first place tbh. sorry

TJ: youre good. i dont fall asleep until like 4am

Cyrus: oh man thats too late kgfdjgfdg

TJ: lmao i didnt think youd ever fall asleep past 10

Cyrus: i never do. i have a strict need for at least 7 hrs of sleep or ill die

TJ: looks like ur gonna die

Cyrus: please release a white dove at my funeral. make it two so it won't be lonely. Im being honest rn. im chugging a gallon of coffee tomorrow i swear. how do u do it everyday

TJ: I don't have a choice most of the time lmao. i just deal with it and let it slowly try to kill me

Cyrus: so u havent died bc you're a vampire?

TJ: u can say that. Hey can I call you instead? Im lazy

Cyrus: ye

“No,” Cyrus groaned. Hearing his voice was going to make everything feel worse. His phone started buzzing and he quickly answered it. He had never been happier about having soundproof walls. He didn’t want his parents asking what he was doing up so late talking to TJ.

“Hey,” TJ mumbled. Cyrus thought his sleepy voice was going to knock him out cold right then and right there.

“Hey, vampire,” Cyrus teased, making TJ chuckled in response.

“You sound awfully happy.”

“I’d be happier if I was asleep but I guess a late night conversation with my good pal TJ won’t kill me.”

“I’m starting to wonder if you really made up with Buffy,” TJ hummed. His voice was groggy yet Cyrus ate up every single one of his words. This was definitely a bad decision. “Did you?”

“I did,” Cyrus sighed. He was starting to wonder if he should tell him the real reason he couldn’t sleep. No. Then I’d have to tell him the idea of us liking each other is keeping me awake. But…. I don’t like him so it wouldn’t matter would it?

“We’re all cool right? I was wondering if she wanted to get her girl team to practice with mine.”

Cyrus grinned, “That’s actually be great. You should talk to her about it. I swear she’s not angry.”

“Why was she acting up with you then?”

“Stupid reasons. She admitted it herself. She’s scared of… something.”

“Buffy? Scared?” TJ scoffed. “Of what? Her reflection?” TJ paused and then said, “Sorry, that was mean.” Cyrus ended up laughing.

“No, it’s fine. She’s more worried you can say.”

“Of what?”

Of us falling in love, getting married, adopting kids, and living next door to her.

“Of us getting closer I guess.”

“So, she’s jealous?” TJ asked. Cyrus stopped himself for a moment. He hadn’t thought about it that way. He did make it clear he’d never pick anyone over her and Andi, though. He wouldn’t.

“Well we cleared it up, so I don’t think so.”

“Did she,” TJ hummed for a moment, “say anything else?” Cyrus raised an eyebrow. Did TJ know something else?

“Why are you asking?”

“Um…. Just curious.”

“You sure?”

“Well,” TJ added hesitantly. “I don’t know. I guess Amber and Buffy talked.”

“Buffy and Amber? Like my Buffy?”

“No, Buffy Summers. Yes, your Buffy,” TJ chuckled. “I guess that Amber showed her that photo where we both fell asleep and um,” TJ’s voice got lower, “I think that’s why she started acting up. Acting up is the right phrase to use but it’s 2AM. Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Cyrus barely managed to say. His heart was beating fast and he was filling up with dread. Did TJ know exactly what Buffy was thinking?

“But did she say anything weird?” TJ asked again. Cyrus realized there were only 22 ways this could go wrong, and then chances of triggering one wasn’t that high. He was also half asleep and his “fuck it” senses were quite activated.

“By weird do you mean her asking me a million times about the idea of us dating?” Cyrus quickly spit out, hoping TJ might miss the word ‘dating’. There was a moment of complete silence for almost twenty seconds. Cyrus palms were feeling sweaty, so he put his phone on speaker and lay it on the pillow next to him.

“Yeah, that,” TJ finally said. “I think it was because of Amber, to be honest.”

“I mean everything makes sense, now,” Cyrus replied. “I was getting worried about some dumb stuff. I think that’s why I couldn’t sleep.” He felt a lot more relieved. So he and TJ hasn’t done something that made it seem like they had “more than friends” intentions. It was just a conversation between Buffy and Amber that sparked something in Buffy.

“So you do know why you can’t sleep,” TJ told him, discarding the dating topic.

“Well, kind of. I mean Buffy and I actually fought over this. We never fight.”

“Just because her and Amber conspired that we liked each other?” TJ scoffed. “They do know that will never happen right?” Those words seemed to chew right through Cyrus’ heart strings.

“Yeah… yeah,” Cyrus cleared his throat. “I mean we fixed it. She realized she was being dumb. She admitted it, too.”

“Did she apologize?”

“No. I don’t expect her to. It’s Buffy.”

“It’s Buffy isn’t a good excuse, Underdog. If I drain the blood out of a kindergartner, nobody is going to say, ‘Well, it’s just TJ.’ Are they?”

“One, they’re totally different. Two, one of them is completely unrealistic.” He wished TJ wasn’t so blunt sometimes. It made him come face to face with the feelings and thoughts he always shoved in the back of his head.

“Buffy apologizing every once in a while shouldn’t be unrealistic.”

“Well,” Cyrus sighed. “I don’t feel like she owes me an apology, okay?”

“If you’re comfortable with lying to yourself, sure.”

“I’m so comfortable with lying to myself, I’d convince myself that I love myself.”

“Self-deprecating humor, huh. Nice”

“Thanks. It’s a specialty. My brain is full of it.”

“That’s nice. My brain is full of useless facts.”

“Like what?”

“Like a cat named Stubbs was the mayor of Alaska from 1997 until his death.

“TJ, I know I don’t cuss, but literally. What the fuck,” Cyrus softly chuckled, causing TJ to erupt with laughter. Cyrus rarely heard TJ laugh like this, but it was music to his ears. He really did hate the way TJ made him feel like he was floating on the clouds. He was starting to get sleepy now.

“I can’t remember how to do long division, but I honestly can remember the dumbest things,” TJ said, starting to mumble again. “Hey, Underdog. Have you started reading The Giver yet?”

“No,” Cyrus yawned. “We don’t need to be up to chapter five until Friday.”

“Want me to read it to you until you fall asleep? You sound like you’re going to pass out any minute now.”

“But then I won’t remember where I was before I fell asleep,” Cyrus moaned.

“Don’t argue. I’m already getting my book,” TJ told him. Cyrus could hear TJ shuffling around the bedroom. “Alright. Chapter one…” TJ read to him for what felt twenty minutes before he couldn’t remember anything but the lightness of dream.

-

And now the purple dusk of twilight time

Steals across the meadows of my heart

TJ was in the middle of chapter two when he heard light snoring. He smiled and whispered, “Goodnight, Underdog.” He hung up the phone and set the book back inside of his backpack before shutting off the lights. He went back under his covers and checked his phone for the time. It was 3AM, and he could hear the distant yet familiar arguing from downstairs. He had blocked it out for almost an hour thanks to Cyrus and Lois Lowry. TJ put the sides of the pillows to cover his ears and closed his eyes.

He knew time had passed when his eyes blasted open at the sound of a door slamming shut. The front door downstairs. He then registered the soft crying. Amber’s crying. He sat straight up and saw that Amber was at the end of his bed, her back against the wall.

“Amber?” TJ rubbed his eyes. “What’s going on?”

“Dad left,” she whispered. TJ stopped moving. Was he hearing wrong?

High up in the sky the little stars climb

Always reminding me that we're apart

You wander down the lane and far away

Leaving me a song that will not die

“What?”

“Dad left. I heard them fighting in the bedroom like twenty minutes ago and he was packing his stuff,” she covered her face as she started to bawl. TJ lowered his hand and crawled over and put his arm around her. Amber shared a wall with their parents. TJ at least had the guest room in between which spared him a lot. Amber had always had it the worst.

“He’ll come back,” TJ whispered, his eyes starting to burn with tears. “He’ll come back.” Amber kept crying, her sobs eventually turning into wails. All TJ could do was sit there and hug her. He hadn’t even checked what time it was. He didn’t know if Amber had fallen asleep. It was getting hazy and everything felt a million times heavier. Amber’s sobs would die down and then increase suddenly, and he failed at trying not to cry. The only thing he heard was crying and the cars that would pass by in the streets. There was a ghostly silence emitting from the entire house. “He has to come back.”

Amber fell asleep after a long while, but TJ stayed wide awake. He gently laid her down before positioning himself next to his window. He was sitting with his back flat on his poster-covered wall, his eyes switching between watching Amber sleep and staring at the photos on his ceiling. He couldn’t really see them. It was still dark outside, and he didn’t know what he was waiting for. As soon as the sun beams started burst through the window and hit his bedsheets, he knew. He reached out a hand and let the light beam of sunshine hit his hand. There were striped shadows from the blinds wrapping around his skin. He let out a half-smile before closing his eyes. Everything will work out the way it’s meant to be he told himself. His GG always said that the rising sun meant a new era. He knew he wasn’t lying because the day he died, the sunrise turned the skies orange. It was his GG’s favorite color.

The music of the years gone by.

Sometimes I wonder, how I spend

The lonely nights

Dreaming of a song

The melody

Haunts my reverie

And I am once again with you

TJ laid down next to Amber and closed his eyes, almost immediately falling asleep. It didn’t feel like he had slept for more than a few minutes, but it was 6:30AM when he woke up to Amber turning off his alarm clock. He hadn’t even covered himself with the blankets, and he was cold. Amber stood up with her hands wrapped around herself as she shivered.

“Get ready, okay?” she told him, her teeth chattering. She looked horrible, and TJ knew he did, too. He simply nodded his head, and she made her way out of his room. He didn’t want to get up. He was exhausted and drained. It was a different type of tired where everything felt heavy and his throat felt dry. His eyes hurt every time he blinked. He had no idea how he was going to make it through the entire day. He still had work that afternoon, and he definitely could not skip right now.

He stood up anyways and got dressed. He went out into the hall and heard the sink running in the restroom. Amber was going to be a while. He went back into his room and got his hair gel from his bag and started doing his hair in there to get that over with. When he was done, he heard his phone vibrate. He reached over and smiled when he saw who it was from.

Cyrus: Good morning. I’m dead.

TJ: God I wish I were you right now

Cyrus: What time did u fall asleep??? I don’t even remember falling asleep.

TJ: u knocked out like at 3.

Cyrus: how much sleep did you get

TJ: idk like 2

Cyrus: 2 what? Hours

TJ: minutes

Cyrus: tj omg. Minutes?!!!!!

TJ: okay maybe like an hour or 2 I don’t really know.

TJ hesitated before sending the next text.

TJ: everything just sucks right now

Cyrus: hey I’m here if you need anything okay? We can talk about it over baby tators after tutoring if you’d like. My treat this time.

TJ: can’t. I have work.

Cyrus: I’ll walk you to work then. Sound good?

TJ: sounds perfect :^)

Cyrus: :o)

TJ heard the restroom door open, and he walked out to finish getting ready. Amber saw the smile on his face and raised an eyebrow, “Cyrus.” TJ shrugged, the smile not faltering. “Goofy boys,” Amber shook her head with a grin and walked back into her room.

When TJ finished getting ready, he walked down stairs to find Amber making them breakfast. He had heard their mom shuffling around in the master bedroom, so he knew she wasn’t downstairs.

“Eat up,” Amber told him as he sat down. “It’s almost seven, and I’m pretty sure we’re walking.” TJ didn’t say anything and gratefully ate the breakfast. They both ate in silence. TJ realized Amber didn’t have any makeup on and her hair was in a ponytail. He had seen himself in the mirror minutes ago, and he knew he didn’t exactly look like Prince Charming either.

They both turned to the kitchen doorway when their mom walked inside. She was still in her work uniform, and her hair was in a bun that was fall apart. Her eyes and nose were extremely red.

“I made breakfast,” Amber told her, not looking at her for longer than a second. TJ just saw her nod her head before walking to the coffee machine.

“You kids don’t have to go to school today,” she told them, her voice quiet yet rough. “I’ll call in.”

“I have to turn in an essay,” Amber quickly responded.

“Yeah,” TJ momentarily added, “I have tutoring after school.”

“Tutoring?” their mom turned to look at him. TJ sunk back a little in his seat. They had been told about his dyscalculia, but it was something they haven’t talked about in a while.

“Yeah,” TJ bit his lip. “I have it for math with a friend and Mrs. Pierson.” She simply nodded her head and went back to paying attention to the coffee machine. They were silent for the next few minutes as Amber and TJ kept eating, the clinking of dishes filling the air. Their mom watched them carefully as she drank her coffee. TJ checked his phone and told them, “I better get going.” He collected his and Amber’s dishes and placed them in the sink.

“I’ll wash them after I drop you kids off,” their mom putting her coffee on the counter. “Let me go get the keys.”

“We can walk if you want,” Amber told her delicately. She hadn’t taken them to school in ages. They called it an unnecessary waste of gas most of the time.

“No,” she shook her head. “I want to. At least today.” Neither TJ or Amber pressed the matter and just went to wait by the door. Amber’s eyes were already tearing up as they got to the door. TJ gave her a weak reassuring and smile which caused Amber to rub her eyes in an attempt of disguise. When the heard the keys rattling, Amber turned to their mom and said, “I have English second period. I might text you to pick me up.”

“I’ll be by my phone,” she said as they all walked out to the family car. TJ sat in the back seat and waited for the car to start moving. He felt ice cold even though fall had barely crept in, and it was making him want to sleep. He started considering skipping school. Mrs. Pierson would understand. Cyrus would, too. “Hey, um,” their mom gently said. “I just want you kids to know that I already talked to my boss. I’m getting shifts as I need them. I’m going to be responsible now, I swear. Nana and I talked. She’ll be on call if any of you two need anything, and I’m at work.” TJ knew Amber was crying again. It made him feel worse hearing her cry. Their mom started choking up, “Hey, I love you kids, okay? I’ve been a shitty mom lately, but we’ll get through this even if it’s just the three of us. I swear.”

He has to come back. He has to come back.

-

TJ was early to school; not a lot of kids had gotten dropped off. He walked into the cafeteria and got in line (it was only two kids in front of him). He was full already, but he eyed the chocolate chocolate chip muffins. He grabbed one and went back outside to sit at a picnic bench. He pulled out his phone and realized he already had a text from Cyrus.

Cyrus: hey I need to see you before class starts

TJ: im already at school sooo

Cyrus: im almost there. Where are u?

TJ: Benches by the cafeteria

TJ didn’t bother waiting for a response. He rested his head on his propped up arm and started closing his eyes. His eyelids felt so stiff, and he if tired had a taste, it was whatever parched feeling he had in his throat.

“Good morning!” Cyrus enthusiastically said, causing TJ to jump up startled.

“Hey!” TJ yelped. He quickly turned around to see if anyone had seen, but it was just kids minding their own business and Cyrus laughing. TJ smirked at Cyrus, “Proud that you scared the shit out of me?”

“Kind of, yes,” Cyrus grinned. He had two coffee shop drinks in his hands and one was half-way done. TJ assumed that’s where he got his energy. “Here,” Cyrus set the coffee in front of TJ. “I don’t know if you drink coffee, but I know you need it.”

“I’m usually an energy drink guy, but I tend to not splurge on them. Sleep is free energy,” TJ said and picked up the coffee. He studied the see-thru plastic carefully. He rarely got anything from the coffee shop. He didn’t know how to order it. Why couldn’t the sizes just be small, medium, and large?

“You’re not getting any sleep, and TJ, I mean this in the nicest way possible. You look exhausted. I’m so glad I chose today to get you this,” Cyrus gave TJ an apologetic look. TJ was half-asleep, so he just stared at Cyrus’ lips for a few seconds too long before remembering he was in a conversation.

“Uh, yeah,” TJ blinked furiously and set the coffee down, “thank you by the way. I owe you one.”

“No, you don’t,” Cyrus shook his head. TJ took a sip from the straw and immediately made a sour face.

“What is this, Underdog?” TJ smacked his lips a few times. It was super sweet at first, but he liked the aftertaste. He started drinking it again.

“I call it liquid cocaine. It’s 4 shots of expresso, and 4 pumps of white chocolate syrup over ice in a cold cup.”

“Sounds unhealthy.”

“You sleeping habits are unhealthy, TJ. You need to get more sleep.”

“Sounds fake.”

“TJ!” Cyrus whined.

“Fine, fine,” TJ rubbed his eyes. “I’ll take sleeping syrup or something.”

“Don’t abuse that stuff, though.”

“Do you want me to sleep or not?” TJ smiled, causing Cyrus to shrug.

“I guess,” Cyrus sighed. TJ felt nice for a change. Every time he realized Cyrus cared about him, it made everything feel better. Even if everything was a complete shit pile. “Hey we have time to talk if you want to tell me what’s wrong. Or we can wait until after school. If we don’t crash.” TJ looked around and bit his lip. If he didn’t make it to the end of the school day, it wasn’t going to be because of a caffeine crash. He was pretty good at hiding any emotional distress in person, but he didn’t know how long he’d be able to hold this in.

“I’ll just um…,” TJ bit his lip harder.

“We’ll talk after school,” Cyrus reached his hand across the table and squeezed TJ’s free hand. TJ felt himself turning red, but he didn’t reach out to cover his nose. He put the coffee down and set the abandoned muffin right in front of Cyrus.

“It’s for you.”

The nightingale

Tells his fairytale

Of paradise, where roses grew

Though I dream in vain

In my heart it will remain

My stardust melody

The memory of love's refrain.

Next Chapter

A/N: Thank you for reading! Here’s those who asked to be tagged :) If you want to be added or removed from this list, just let me know! Also if I forget you I swear it wasn’t on purpose. I skip over things in my head sometimes.

@magicalcowboycalzonemoney @the-greatt-perhaps @thedampjofangirl@evaeselgreatest @musicalsfuckmeup @stupidlambforever

#stars writing #andi mack #tyrus #cyrus goodman #tj kippen #tjs playlist

[rockmymuses]

[ A U T O P L A Y ]

I set music playlist on my primary muses’ blog, @dispatch-capt and @lacrimosa-suit . I need that to help me building a muse by listening to music whenever I reply a thread. It’s set on autoplay, turn it off if it bothered you. I didn’t type the song title and the band/artist name but putting a snippet of the lyrics in marquee text.

Do Kang Woo’s “Psycho Detective” Tracklist (songs for dissociative disorders who’s fighting his illness):

I need a savior. Save me if I became my Demon, my worst enemy.

Ever since I could remember, everything inside of me just wanted to fit in.  If I told you what I was, would you turn your back on me?

So many sleepless nights, I’m still fighting to find myself. Don’t throw me away.

Who am I supposed to be? For years, this is all I’ve known, this has had my heart. I’m scared to lose myself.

I really can’t remember if I’m insane or insomniac, but the hope of mornings make me worth the fight.

You give me that look, should I give up? I’m takin’ those pills, my demon is tamed.  

I can't control myself, don't know who I've been. Every time I scream, no one hears me. But I won’t be paralyzed.

Tell me, Baby, they call I’m crazy for saying I’ll fight until there is no more.

Trust me now, break me down, sometimes I’m crazy but I’ll find the answer.

Looking down the deepest well, I was tryin’ not to fall for so long, now I’m gonna get out.

Children so traumatized that they do not bond with other people. The stranger's gonna come. And my spirit weakens but I won't back down. I'll face down all my enemies

My enemy is watching me bleed but I’m not dead yet. Watch me burn. My enemy, I’ll watch you bleed.

You see me as I am, the only that trusts me and believes me.

Mo Tae Goo’s “Psycho Killer” Tracklist (song for psychopathy disorders who’s incurable):

Come, little children, time to play murdering beauty and passion.

You’ll never know what hit you, I’m gonna make you suffer.

Who am I to disagree? I wanna use you and abuse you.

Toxic. There’s no escape, I can’t wait, I need a hit.

Baby, I’m a sociopath, a sweet serial killer

Clever devil, bones of metal, you torture saints with a single glance.

You’ve got no place to hide. One miss-step, you’re mine.

They call it creeping, I say loving, it’s the only way for me

Crushing every bit of bones, welcome to my cage.

Show me your tears, I need your fear just to feel alive.

Welcome to my world of fun and watch ‘em run.

I would kill again to keep from doing time, I got blood on my hands.

Man or monster? In those same hands is the power to kill.

If you’re curious what songs they are, just listen to it on my blogs I linked above.

#ocn voice #ocn voice 2 #lee jin wook #kim jae wook #blog update

[machinehead]

MORE CORNELL

Below is a collection of the most interesting replies to my General Journal inbox and our Facebook page. There are many, many, many more great/fantastic replies in the FB thread here: https://www.facebook.com/MachineHead/posts/10154745571783823 But these are the ones that hit me the hardest for whatever reason. Reading everyone's replies made me realize that it’s been a very difficult thing to process for many of us.  I appreciate the well wishes from everyone.  Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.  Yes, it triggered something dark inside me, something closer to the surface than I realized.  Writing/talking helped me process it. Talking about it on our group-text helped a lot, talking about it with my guys at practice helped a lot.  Writing the journal helped a lot, reading you’re replies helped a lot. And so I’m sharing your replies to hopefully help anyone else struggling with this. It needs to be discussed. His suicide, depression, mental health, whatever we want to call needs to be addressed. We need to get over our uber-macho, alpha-male-society, and be able to talk about these things.  For ourselves, for our kids, for our future. My oldest son had heard Genevra and I talking about Cornell. Driving him to school 2 days ago, he asked me how he died.  I told him. He didn’t understand why someone would do that. It was tough conversation.  And my first thought was to not tell him what it meant, but then my larger fear went to "what if he feels this way already?”  And before you go, “oh kids don’t feel that way, kids are just happy all the time”, I have 2 friends who are going though it with their tween/teenagers.  So we spoke about it, and I told him "I hoped that him and Wyatt never felt that way because THAT scared me even more." It was heavy… How any parent lives through that I’ll never know. Back when the news broke, the band/crew were talking over the group-text, Phil shared something amazing with us.  It was a post from our long-time friend Steffan Chirazi.  He had posted his eloquent thoughts regarding Cornell's suicide (written before suicide was confirmed). If you read only one of the replies below, scroll to the bottom and read his. It’s well worth your time. ——————————— From: Paul Miller Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals Yeah man. I know that's not a formal way to start a reply, but that last line, "Listen, Honor, Remember Chris Cornell"... that's the truth. Did so today.  Soundgarden was one of those bands that I listed to and enjoyed, but I didn't run it into the ground.  It was great music, and I didn't want to burn myself out on it.  It would rotate, but I'd save it for special occasions.  When "Black Hole Sun" hit MTV, I'd find myself turning the tv so that I wouldn't get sick of it, but it became unavoidable for awhile (at least here in Indiana). I appreciate your words.  They ring true here, too.  Never got that low, but my thoughts have been dark enough.  It scares me, too.  But, I want to forge ahead for my 5 year old - she is what keeps me runnin'. All the best to you, and thank you for the music through the years. I'm sure you hear people say that your music helped them through rough times.  I believe it.  It kept me focused on doing something personally productive to develop my chops as I wore out the cassette of 'Burn My Eyes' while learning to play your riffs!  So, thank you for that. Take care, Paul From: Rochelle Mangan Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals Thank you for this, I loved reading it and am enjoying re listening to a lot of the songs and albums you mentioned with a different perspective on them (this is something I enjoy doing with music a lot, listening to things after people have told me their ideas and opinions on them etc). I just want to say though that I hate the "they had so much to live for" type comments. Even if it's done from an emotional, irrational state, I can't not say something about it. I will find it hard to express concisely and over email the many reasons why but one of the main things is this.... Mental health is hard to deal with because it's invisible, it's so easy to feel like you're a flawed person somehow rather than recognise you are actually unwell. This can mean that experiencing severe depression or whatever when everything in your life is "going great" can (in my experience) often make it so much more confusing and distressing. I'm definitely not saying it's harder to deal with if your life's great! But, if things aren't great - you've lost your job, you're struggling with a relationship etc it's easier to sort of say to yourself "well of course I'm struggling".  I feel like it's also sometimes easier for others to empathise with you if they can see some logical reasons why. It's also easier to get help from public health services (in NZ anyway). When I'm in a bad patch and I have good things happening in my life I ALWAYS find it harder to not do damaging behaviours because my external things are so at odds with what's happening internally. It's like a big war going on and it is so confusing, so exhausting, just one massive dangerous mind fuck! Anyway I hope this doesn't make you feel worse than you may already be feeling, I don't mean it to. I just feel that it's important to say these things sometimes. I know suicide can be confusing to people but as you may know, when you're there, it's not. Thank you for your ramblings and your even more amazing music. It has definitely kept me alive in a big way numerous times. Rochelle xxx From: Anita Hoeve Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals Even though I'm a Machine Head fan from the start, and I really enjoy your journals, I don't normally respond to them. Surely you have better things to do than read all the comments, but wow, this day really sucked, didn't it? I was utterly shocked to hear about Chris' passing. Even more to learn it was suicide. Feel so sad that he felt this was the only way out. I love his voice, his music, listened to Superunknown just last week. Between all the social outpourings I read today, yours really stood out. Thank you for your story, your memories. For really taking the time to share them with us. They got to me. Take care Robb, give your kids and Genevra an extra big hug tonight. Love, Anita From: "Kondalski, Joe" Subject: RE: CHRIS CORNELL To: 'The General Journals' I was at the Fox Theater last night to see Soundgarden, here are a couple of pics from the show. We were in the front row and Chris gave us fist bumps and was very engaged  with the fans during the show. Ps- these are cell phone pics, I will send some pics from my camera later. Feel free to post this pics anywhere. From: Fábio Gil Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals From a 34 year old fan boy trying to play it cool: if you need help, go and search for it and solve your shit, man. We all have demons and hard things we can't handle by ourselves, sometimes. So, for this fanboy, and millions around the world, for whom your TALENT and music inspires so fucking much, put yourself together and "headup". I have a band and we are looking for a proper singer for a time now, maybe a year... And you, dear Robb, your vocal approach, your melodies, ressonate in my head, pushing me to break my barriers and fears and step to the mic (I play of the guitars). This is how much you inspire me. And I'm... just one. Imagine what you do daily to your legion of fans. Is there anybody out there? Yea. There is. Always. From Portugal, with MUCH MUCH love, Fábio Gil. From: Jean-Baptiste Collinet Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL SPOTIFY PLAYLIST To: The General Journals Thanks for the playlist, Robb. Great choices, many almost-unknown songs. Great. Well, I tought about dropping a serious line about how Chris somehow "changed my life" (I know, that's so cliché, but I'm at loss for words, damnit). But I was too down last time you wrote about him. Not only did Chris, as a human being, kinda "redirected" me on a safer, healthier path… even if we never met (if there's heaven or hell, we may meet sometime. Let's be a hopeless optimistic-pessimist!) His music... Boy, it's just gut-tearing to think about the loss of the man who opened my mind and my ears enough to stop my technical frenzy and stage thirst for a huge while, and made me start listening instead of merely hearing. I even put aside performing for years, and I just started again maybe a few months ago. Not as a Swedish Melodeath drummer and guitarist, but as a viola da gamba soloist. Talk about a ride. It doesn't look like it, but both worlds share much more than one may think. Not sure I would have made it so far without Chris. Chris had this ability to quickly grok and understand the world and music in an unbelievably holistic way. If that's not inspiring, I don't know what is... I could go on and on, rambling. Enough. Chris has still much to "teach" us, even if he's not "there". He made me wonder if we're not the dead, wrongly thinking we're alive. How can we dare think we're right? What if the ones we think of as dead/fallen are the ones alive? Anyone has an answer to this? Jean-Baptiste Collinet @Rich Hoit I both love and hate this. I love the passion, the honesty, and the wish to not shy away from the raw and heartfelt feelings towards a fantastic front man, singer, musician, friend and man. So much respect for that. I hate the fact that it had to be written so soon 😢 Bravo, Machine Head, a great piece and a great sentiment. And thank you, Chris Cornell. @Ashley Merritt You're strong as fuck Robb because you actually wrote how you feel honestly like this, helping anyone struggling with mental illness.. it helps to know that you're not the only one and the way you feel frankly is exactly the way I do. What a trip. Being open and around good folk means everything, there's always an up after a down. Always. @Theresa Alaimo Very proud of you, Robb Flynn, Machine Head, for this tribute to Chris. A s a journalist for my magazine, Black Planet, in New Mexico, I ran for over 15 years, I too am grieving for Chris Cornell, that beautiful man with an amazing voice. During the Voivod Tour they played at a club a few blocks from my work space apartment and the promoter asked if I could steam the crab legs for Soundgarden at my place. Delivering a plate of steaming hot crab legs to the beautiful Chris and looking into his eyes, made my legs steam as well. I believe I said, "Your Majesty, I present you with steaming hot crab legs" and bowed. I was such a dork, but I was so overwhelmed by his aura. I was also at the Foundations Forum where I saw Soundgarden and met you and other great guys. I interviewed you and we all became friends and hung out with Pantera, Biohazard, Exodus, STP, Lemmy, Pearl Jam, Iron Maiden and up and coming new bands for a weekend. I still have my Scorpions beer mug they handed out from their helicopter flight, it was a great experience. Anytime you are feeling sad or depressed Robb, try to remember that you are a talented musician, a beautiful man and maybe not every woman in the world wants to fuck you, but be your friend and will listen if you need to talk. I might not ever know if you read this, Robb Flynn, but at least it's out there. We all love you and need you to stick around. We've lost too many, Dimebag, Peter Steele, Wayne Static, Scott Weiland, Layne Staley, Lemmy, just to name a few and when we barely catch our breath, then we lose another. We can't lose you too, our hearts are already broken. @Matt McDonald "And I think I'm strong, but I'm not. I'm not as strong as I project, and I'm not sure if I'm stronger than depression. Because I sink into it sometimes. And it's black. I hope I am. I need to be for my kids. For my wife... for myself." God damn that shit hit me. So personal, so profound, and so relatable. Counseling, medication, therapy... none of that is a guarantee. Whether it's a bout of sadness or full on throes of suicidal depression, sometimes the hardest part for overcoming it is simply reaching out. Be it pride, shame, guilt... find a way to overcome, find something that helps you out of the funk. Music can be so powerful, so thank you for still being here to share your deeply personal thoughts and feelings, and for continuing to make music. You never know how much it could help even just one person, I think that's reason enough to continue. Thank you! @Jennifer May It can be really hard to admit, you worry that you'll be labeled as an attention seeker or told that you just need to cowboy up and try harder to be happy. Medication is still really stigmatized and expensive, and talk therapy can seem intimidating. I'm very, very lucky and grateful that my mama works in mental health so I've had someone to help me navigate the system. RIP Chris, we lost one of the greatest today. @Phil Stein No matter how much one tries to capture the range of emotions evoked by Chris Cornell's vocals, the description falls short of what he could do and what he could convey. Let alone the beauty, poignancy and power that he could generate. It was like hearing a 5 course gourmet dinner from appetizer through dessert - it was varied and more than that delicious vocally. Thanks for the great description and memorial For Chris Robb. It's so on point and fitting. Perfectly stated!!! @Mark Garcia It's the asshole in me but I will never grieve for someone who takes their own life. I can appreciate all the words from fans and I may not have been a fan of sound garden some of the songs were worth listening to. This band as well as the grunge "sound" never resonated with me so maybe that's why as well. @Jimmy James Brute honesty again from mr Flynn. Bravo this is why we love you and machine head. Depression does fucking suck and you don't shy away from talking about it. RIP Chris Cornell! Man I was actually a big soundgarden fan back in the 90s before discovering metal. @Siri LH Thank you for your honesty and reflections! Highly interesting to read. I can relate to the sadness and the mind fuck. Soundgarden was the band that sparked my love for heavy music. I've been depressed myself and always felt comfort in listening to Chris Cornell's voice. It resonated with my mind. The darkness felt lighter when I put on a Soundgarden album. I was comforted, like someone got my mood. Whenever I've felt lost, I've put on some Soundgarden and found myself again. Soundgarden feels like the essence of my being and I will always be deeply grateful for their music, and for Cornell's voice, lyrics and mood. I've seen them live once and I smiled the whole show through. Eternal love for Chris Cornell and Soundgarden <3 My heart goes out to his loved ones. @Austin Kokel I saw them on Lollapalooza '96, and I'm glad to hear you say what I felt at that show. I was only 15, but I had Badmotorfinger and Superunknown and I absolutely loved both and was right up front. The band was definitely in a funk, and the bassist was an asshole, spitting on and insulting the crowd (and bot in the fun Ramones way I experienced an hour earlier). I try to explain their set to people now, and I can't. I'm glad to hear my 20+ year old sentiments echoed. That said, I always wondered about him after that day, but I never saw this coming either, not this far down the road. Thanks for your honesty and insight, Robb. We love you. We love Machine Fucking Head. Be strong. @J Ake Hess You've expressed so many feelings and thoughts rattling around in my head today that I just couldn't find words to put to. Cornell will always be uniquely amazing and in a class​ by himself. I was listening to his cover of Prince's Nothing Compares 2 You just last night and letting myself become entranced by his unique sound and incredible voice. Today I am sad, angry, and a bit enthralled with my own mortality. Nobody is immune and sometimes the struggle is too much for even the people with everything to live for. I can't imagine what his family is feeling today. Beyond tragic… @Steffan Chirazi No-one can be sure why he is dead, and when it is appropriate, we will know. But depression is a very, very real thing. It is a part of life, but for some, it carries deadly lows and utterly crushing weight along with a gravitational pull into darkness that many of us cannot fathom. I sometimes fight the rabbit hole. I see it, I feel it, I flirt with its edges, but then I bury my head in the dog or hug the cat or take deep breathes and get outside and find a piece of mental architecture to grab hard, fast and haul myself out. I am very lucky. I am slightly brushed with depression and anxiety, but fortunately I am always able to find the light. Fortunately I still retain enough of my natural mental antibodies to find the path out quickly and efficiently. There is no doubt that age makes that path harder to find sometimes, as a consequence of both the physical being and some of the inevitabilities which come with your 50s (such as more people in your circle dying). Others are not so lucky. It isn't because they 'don't want to' or 'aren't trying hard enough' or 'don't love their familes' or anything remotely like that. It isn't ever for the lack of trying. It is because depression (and anxiety) are a crushing, debilitating disease which this country, this planet, seems largely unable to recognize. We push people to the outer regions of anxiety and depression with no care that there are some who fall headfirst into a rabbit hole tornado and only through regular (and possibly unrecognized miracles) find themselves hurled into the escape bunker as opposed to the abyss. Yeah. Imagine that. A tornado that escalates within minutes from a slight, chilly breeze, a tornado that offers no pattern as to when it will appear. And imagine that the only help which can come your way is a bunker miraculously opening up beneath your feet and drawing you to a womb of safety until the tornado passes… ...Often, people with clinical depression will self-medicate. Not because they 'like to fucking party' but because there is no other way out. It's 'easier' to take a swig, take a pill, take a hit. It keeps the darkness in the distance and the tornado (when it pops up) is smashed into smithereens by the 'medicine’. Let me, by the way, be VERY clear. I am NOT saying he was doing ANY of that. He had his dances back in the old days, ones he has been very open about. But I thought he had left that behind. I honestly don't know but feel he had for some time. Whatever eh? Because we judge anyway. Yet we judge. We judge in all senses and all ways. Why do they do that? Why do they behave that way? Who do they think they are? Why can't they just cheer up...? Why are they being such an asshole? Yeah, cheer up will ya? You're handsome or pretty or rich or famous or successful or ALL of those things. Come on. All you gotta do is think about how much worse so many other people have it. Who do you think you are? There are people with 'real' problems out there… I heard the same shit about Cobain and Staley. Listen, does anyone really believe that they wanted to go? That they didn't with every sinew wish in their more lucid moments that they could find a way out? Of course not. Pain is one thing, emotional pain is a whole other ball of wax, but add that to a chemical equation in your DNA that can (without warning) turn your colours to black and white, your peripheral vision to a short, narrow tunnel and which leaves your light feeling cold-negative and it is clear to see that this disease is both monstrous and potentially crippling. The thing with tornados is that when you're in one, they don't afford you the 'luxury' of contemplation. Especially when it is your own chemicals, your own imbalances through no fault of your own, which rise from nowhere to envelope you in that tornado; I never heard of anyone caught in one who was able to see straight, let alone reason with themselves. Fortunately some find their way out. They discover a regular path out of the fog, and they can stick to it. That is not to judge people who cannot; every situation is different. But some simply can't. They try and try and try again. Maybe they achieve success in escaping dark moments, and maybe they eradicate self-medication and triggers from their lives with the help of great local support. However there are never guarantees. Again, I don't know why he died. I spent a little time with him here and there, enough to know that for years, there was a dark moodiness which expressed itself via his generally quiet way and rich lyrics. Later on he certainly spruced himself up, chucked in the deeper self-medications, and seemed a lot more comfortable with life than when he wrote the semi-self-ridiculing "Jesus Christ Pose" but what did I know? Apparently not much at all… ...If you see a friend struggling, if you sense or feel a friend or family member is drifting near a rabbit hole, please, check-in with them. However you have to, either directly or just create an excuse to see them, to talk to them. We are so emotionally guarded that we perhaps see it as 'intruding' or 'sticking our noses in'. Know your friends. Know your family. Be kind whenever you can with them, have a laugh or crack a shit joke. But touch base. Do it today. Much love to everyone who suffers and is either marginalized, trivialized or simply ignored. Much love to those getting assistance in their ongoing battle. Subscribe to The General Journals: http://thegeneraljournals.hosted.phplist.com/lists/?p=subscribe

#thegeneraljournals

[yr-heart-is-beating]

i contemplated days upon days about whether or not to do this but after talking to some friends and even strangers, they all encouraged me to follow my dreams and pursue what makes me happy and well i took their words into close consideration. their advice was dear to my heart and i held it in the palms of my hands until i finally chose to pick up a pen and write this down. now i could take a picture of the paper but i'd rather not so i copied every word and locked it away because i'd rather hand it to you in person so the last day i leave, you'll have something of mine to remind you that you do still matter so much to me. am i crazy for what i'm about to do? probably but don't you like spontaneous moments? like buying a plane ticket and traveling the world with someone you love? for me. it would be, i'm buying a plane ticket to be with someone i love because truth is, you'll never be just another memory. you are still the girl i dream about, wonder what she's doing, and never stop thinking about. truth is, i miss you. i miss you a lot and although you don't reply to my messages anymore, i still send them in hopes that maybe one day you'll come around and respond. i still make you playlists, thinking that maybe you'll listen to them for once. i still make songs as you being my inspiration because every artist, has their muse. you've always been mine. but i also know there's another involved. i never told you this but i don't like her because of how she came into your life but the fact that she took my place so easily. the song up above, is a song i played on repeat when going through the process of Lavender & Warm Rain and even this. it reminds me so much of you because when i hear it, there's nothing but happiness. i smile. i asked you questions and you answered but i still had more. some left that i was afraid to ask at the time and i fear that was the last time i'll ever hear your voice but then i remembered the voicemail. sitting around in my room, replaying it over and over again at the parts where you tell me you love me, keeps me sane. you told me you didn't like her like that but my question is, why do you need a distraction? distraction from me? am i that bothering? or is it because you do, in fact, still miss me and want me as much as i want you. do you get moments where a song will come on and memories of us will replay through your head? do you refuse to listen to certain playlists because you know you'll stumble upon a song that reminds you of me and you'll be left with tears? do you walk this earth and freeze when you see anything yellow? does your heart clench because you're stopping yourself from sending me a picture of it? does my laugh sometimes echo when she does? is her laugh the same as mine? or is it not the soft tune you're so used to. do you make yourself laugh so you won't break down and cry? are you afraid that you still love me? i know sending this to you is probably dumb but i decided to post it everywhere as well so maybe if my texts won't get through to you, other platforms will because i want you to know some things. her voice is raspy as well but it never compares to the pureness yours gives off. the love i feel when my name slips out of your mouth doesn't compare to the awkward convos she and i have. i refrain from going into Victoria Secret because the time you wasted 800 dollars on clothes from there always seems to make my heart ache. the times where we laughed nonstop and i teased you continuously about it, plays on a turntable and i can't seem to take the vinyl off. i changed my wallpaper from pictures of my friends and i to lavender because it's grown on me. yellow will always be dear to me but i'll forever love the baby red and blue made. it doesn't hurt seeing the color you love so much because it's the closest thing i have right now. every morning i stare at the light purple and smile because of trip to Japan we were going to take. seeing your eyes light up at the sight of a garden full of your favorite color, will make everything worth it for me. when i'm at my friend's house, i tell her i don't want to hear anything Khalid related. the days where i'd make fun of his voice and you'd get mad at me makes me feel sick because i miss that. the simple things. i miss you. everyone i talk to, everyone i see, they're not you. i try my hardest not to think about you but there's just something in the back of my mind telling me that you are still worth it. your friends may hate my guts but one day, i'll prove it to them that sometimes a break is what we need in order to breathe, but i've been breathing for far too long without you. it's like that cliche tumblr post about planting something beautiful in our lungs but it's hard to breathe. you planted a single flower in my lungs and when we were together, you were helping me take care of it. days where i would forget to water it, you'd make sure it was done. but now that you're gone, slipped out of my fingertips, the flower is slowly dying because every time i see it, i get filled with this anger. why could i simply take care of myself? truth is, it's because i had you to help me. i molded my entire self and life around you in order to shelter you from the outside world because it never treated you well but you broke out of that mold and i'm trying so desperately to fit the pieces back together but i put some in wrong places and i'm left with nothing but a mess. i still believe that you'll come back. you said you would, but why do you need someone else to fill the void if i'm here, willing to do it for you. you promised you wouldn't ignore me anymore but you are doing exactly that and i think i finally know why, you missed me. you were going to come back weren't you? so you pushed yourself away in hopes that that feeling would go away. but it never did huh? that's why you continue to push yourself? but what if you fall over the edge? do you think she'll be at the bottom to catch you? myles lovey cruz francisco pacla, ill fall with you. fall with you so when we both hit the bottom, i'll hold you close and take the impact so you won't have to feel anymore pain. why? because i'm still so madly in love with you. i had a plan to meet you in August, that's why i continue to fight with my dad because maybe he'll see how determined i am to go to New Jersey. you made me go from this lost, hopeless girl that didn't care what her future looked like, to being this knowing, selfless girl that wants her future to be with you. i wanted to meet you and smile at you. smile because remember our first facetime? you said that every time you saw my smile, you fell in love all over again. so i want to smile at you, maybe laugh. show you that you're the only girl i see. cause even in her, i always tell myself "she's not myles" but she knows about you so it's not like i'm using anyone unlike you. you are going to break that girls heart but i feel like you don't care and somehow that reliefs some worry. worry that you'll fall in love with her and want her in the end and me? i'll be stuck reliving the past on a daily basis because that's the only time i have you. it's when i stare at pictures of you, laugh at the funny videos of us, cry at the text messages of you telling me how our life would be in the future, and smiling at the memories of how madly in love you were with me and how insanely in love i am with you. i know you don't want to hurt me but i think we can both say that we hurt each other equally and maybe instead of having distractions, we should work on fixing us. you said it yourself, it's me at the end of the day, you see your future with so please consider this. consider trying to fix this with me. please? or when your new girl leaves to college, you'll tell me "it's time" and i'll happily reply with "finally" and we'll build our walls back up, repair any cracks and replace broken windows. we'll make a new home and go back to the old one every now and then as a reminder that no matter what hardships we may go through, we'll always come back to each other. isn't that what you said? if you ever lose me, you'll find a way back? find your way back myles but personally i don't think a distraction is going to help you. i'm not saying this because i hate her, i'm saying this because what if she gets attached and you'll feel obligated to stay? what if i fully lose you then? don't let it get to that point because if i ever lost you fully especially to her, i'd lose my sanity. so this is me, your favorite little planet, saying you don't have to keep pushing yourself away, you don't need anymore distractions, you don't need to feel like you hurt me so this is best for us. because who are you to say what i need when all i ever wanted was you? you. your flaws, your insecurities, your doubts, your stubbornness, your ambition, your pessimistic personality. everything. because the day, December 24th, i agreed to be yours forever, i meant forever. forever full of hardships, downfalls, cries, laughs, fights, anger, smiles, jokes, pain, plans, adventures, promises, us. i don't need a distraction because you are always on my mind to the point where i'm so used to it. so please take this into consideration when i say, i miss and love you. please try to fix things between us with me. we can't put it off forever myles. i may want forever with you but that's as you as mine. there will be days where we'll be okay and then the next, we won't. but i promise you that i won't give up on you ever again. i won't leave you again. i've been trying for a whole month and this is officially the start of a new month. i don't want to go through anymore without you. please try to fix things with me. @driviingme-wiild

[deliciouskook-blog]

We don’t talk anymore (Jikook Cover) Scenario  Jungkook x Reader

Hello guys

This is my first Tumblr post and first fanfiction inspired by the beautiful cover released by JUNGKOOOK&JIMINNN 'We don't talk anymore'. I know Jungkook has done the cover alone before but I think this version is more powerful and made me feel things as many of you would probably relate and Jimin's sweet voice is everything I love him so much..... I'm in tears rn :'(

Anyways so when i heard this song i just grabbed my lapotp and typed this, its raw and not proofread and was literally just me blabbering cos of the feels i got from the cover and so i imagined a really sad relationship. I hope you enjoy it!!

I don't know if anyone's going to even read this but my friend told me to post it anyway so if you like it please give me some love!!! I accept requests <3 and would probably write better if i wasnt so emo ahhahahahahahahhaha (i shouldnt lie to myself ill never stop feeling emo while stanning bts)

Word count: 1.9k

Y/N POV

It’s been a long time since you felt the spark that initially ignited your relationship, you always had to put your 100% and felt like it was dying anyway, there was nothing that can be done to save it and that’s when you thought it was time to start seeing someone else and move on.

You called him a day before you decided to forget the hell that you have been through because of him but like all the previous calls that turned to voicemail this time was no different.

It was the familiar female voice again ‘the mobile number you have called is not available...’

You felt ashamed that he has put you through this and hurt your pride, because no matter how much you called he just wont answer.

Y/N: ‘jungkook I need to speak to you’ – delivered at 10:31 pm

‘please just answer the phone..’ – delivered at 10:32 pm

‘jungkook’ – delivered at 10:32 pm

but nothing

5 minutes later… the messages were checked as ‘opened’

So she decided to call again but there was no answer.

Jungkook: ‘I wish you could stop calling me at night you know im at practice’ ‘I wont answer I’m working so good night’ – opened at 10:40 pm

Y/N: ‘why are you like this?’ ‘whats wrong?’ – opened at 10:41 pm

Jungkook: ‘nothing is wrong’ – opened at 10:42 pm

Y/N: ‘don’t lie to me can you please call me back after practice?’ – opened at 10:42 pm

Jungkook: ‘yeah.. later’ – opened at 10:45 pm

You stayed up all night waiting for his call it was an agonisingly slow night but you waited for him to call you like a fool anyway. 3AM came around and still no call. He never practices this late.

So you decided to call one more time. And unexpectedly there was an answer.

‘hello? Jungkook?’

silence

‘yeah… wussup’

he sounded drunk and you were speechless…

‘werent you at practice? Why are you drunk’

‘im not drunk’

‘well okay then what are you’

‘im jungkook’

no shit

‘ok jungkook we need to talk but I cant talk to you if your drunk’

‘youre already talking so carry on… what is this 39 missed calls all about’

‘where are you, can I see you? and if you answered the first call there wouldn’t be 39’

‘no im going home now so just say what you want’

‘okay… I just don’t think this is going to work out between us’

silence

‘jungkook’

then he laughed sarcastically

‘are you breaking up with me?’

‘yeah I jus-‘

‘okay then’

‘jungkook I need to tell you why’

‘I don’t.. think I care…’

= call ended=

Jungkook woke up with a severe headache. The time was already 2 past noon and he had no idea what hes done the night before but all he could remember was drinking so much.

The truth is he didn’t know why he drank so much in fact he didn’t know why he gave up doing anything besides work the past few month, he knew his relationship with you was dying slowly and he knew It was his fault but the Wings tour and his musical career was eating him and was far more important, at least in the company and BTS’ eyes.

He thought that you could wait for him but his career cant, he knew it was selfish and hard but he had no other choice and he didn’t know better, because he was only 19 and he could only handle so much.

You woke up around the same time, you didn’t get time to sleep at all from crying over the ended phone call, you knew it would be hard but you had to move on. You knew you didn’t deserve him and that made your relationship rocky at first, but as jungkook told you he loved you repeatedly, you slowly gained confidence and learnt to love yourself too but that all came crashing down because he clearly doesn’t love you anymore.

You knew the only way you would get over him is erasing him completely from your life which included blocking his phone number, for his own good you knew he was a good guy and probably would try to befriend you after these 3 years but you couldn’t handle seeing him as not yours, but just a friend. You took out your phone and as you unlocked it, you saw the selfie you had at their last date together and couldn’t help but cry even more because all that has to go too.

= 3 months passes by=

Authors PV

As you slowly learnt how to live life from scratch, Y/N served another caramel late to who seemed to be a distressed customer. She had quit her old job which was close to big hit’s main building and decided on a new beginning.

Within these 3 months she had met a guy who’s a regular at the café named Zico, he would throw way too many compliments about the coffee than one would give but she found it cute as at least for what seemed like years, she’s started to receive the attention she craved… but she cant help but think of jungkook whenever she sees him wishing that he would be the one who would give her these compliments and taste coffee that she only recently learnt to master but obviously that life doesn’t exist anymore.

But as she is in south korea, bts are increasingly becoming a hot topic and their songs were played everywhere as if her memories of him weren’t enough reminder.

Slowly Y/N got to know Zico even more, and naturally they dated. She couldn’t deny how good he treats her, maybe its because it’s a new relationship but he was there when she texted and even called her when she didn’t turn up for work because she was sick. He showed that he cares. Jungkook didn’t.

On a fated evening, when the new couple chose to walk next to the Han river a familiar figure stood on the way walking with what seemed another familiar figure but she chose to ignore it and continue walking holding hands with her new lover.

What Y/N dont know is jungkook has been growing crazy the last 3 months, he had tried to reach you so many times, he doesn’t remember the phone call that night and he thought that you ended the relationship alone and hasn’t decided to even talk it with him. He missed you so much and every day he realised how much of it was his fault, it was his fault that you had left your old job, your neighbourhood, changed your number and disappeared. He wished you were happy but deep down he hoped like himself that you weren’t able to forget him.

Then he saw you walking, he looked at jimin who was trying to distract him from the sight that he has also seen. Jungkook felt angry and tried to contain himself, but soon after he was washed with feelings of sadness and regret, deciding to walk up to you anyway.

‘Y/N ?’

you looked at him with surprised eyes, which Zico has returned to you in confusion.

‘can you give me a minute?’ you said to Zico who nodded and walked away

‘you look well’ you said to him

‘is that all you have to say to me’ he said to you with tears in his eyes

‘I don’t remember you wanting me to say anything at all… but say what?’ you replied returning a hurt face.

‘why you left me like this’ he said looking down knowing exactly what you left but he had to hear you say it

‘you didn’t want to hear it.. remember?’ you said to him as you laughed away your tears

‘what are you talking about?’ he asked you

‘you said to me you didn’t want to hear it, remember you were kind of drunk actually but I knew if I didn’t tell you right there and then, you would never pick up’ you admitted

‘you couldve texted me at least’ he said defeated

‘you don’t even reply anyway… I need to go’ you walked away

then he watched you combining your hands with your new lover as you continue walking. Jungkook went back to the company’s building with Jimin who tried to comfort him, he saw the pain that Jungkook went through the past few months, but he couldn’t deny that he was the one who screwed it up for himself.

Jungkook entered the studio where he was meant to record aimlessly, he always overworked himself when he was feeling lonely or sad and today he was broken. He scrolled down his Spotify playlist and encountered a song named ‘We don’t talk anymore – By Charlie Puth’, it was always there but he never really bothered to listen to it, but tonight he tapped ‘PLAY’.

By the end of the song he was sobbing, he remembered how much he wanted to come back to you when he had a day full of schedule, he expected you to be there texting him sweet words when he couldn’t make it to dates because he couldn’t perfect his practice, celebrate happy occasions with you but there must be a good reason that she left him he thought laughing to himself as he related to the lyrics of the song. He was so drawn to the song that he decided to cover it hoping that the fans would like it too, but more importantly as a message to his gone girl.

=3 weeks forward=

‘Did you hear the songs Jungkook released this month’ said a co-worker to the other ‘No no what is it called? Put it on’ the other one replied

They played the cover that the entire of nation of Korea has been obsessing over, and for the first time the you heard it. And you felt as if you were shot in the heart. You could hear the sincerity in his voice and realised how the hell did things come this far, because you couldn’t imagine your life without him no matter what.

‘I need to go somewhere can you cover for me please? you said to one of the coworkers and ran outside the café to big hit, cursing yourself for deleting his phone number.

And as you ran to the building you asked the familiar security who still remembers you if jungkook can be called down.

You felt like life at that moment was like a ticking bomb and you needed to tell him whatever you were feeling at that moment, you’ll probably regret it but at this moment you didn’t care.

But it was too late as you saw him walking down the stairs with another girl’s hand around his. You felt like you were shot a second time, this time earning a much severe injury. You laughed at the thoughts you had, the he sang this for you – it might’ve had no meaning at all. With tears running down your cheeks you ran before he could notice you catching a TAXI, but he did see you and realised that you came back. Jungkook let go of the girl’s hand to run after you but it was too late… he watched the TAXI drive off.

Many tears were shed that day.

#bts scenarios #bts jungkook #jungkook #jimin #fanfiction #scenarios #kpop #bts #requests #relationships #depression #bigbang #seventeen #got7 #kpopfanfiction #bts trash #bts x reader #jungkook x reader #i accept requests #please reblog #please like #show me some love #i hope you like it #let me go cry #crying #the feels #i dont even know #we dont talk anymore #monsta x #jikook

[artificialqueens]

City of Stars (Chapter 6) Pearlet - Leatwerpenn

A/N - Sorry for the slight delay in posting. I went to the Willam, Sharon, Etc show in London on Wednesday night and have been fighting the hangover since. >.< As always, Previous chapters can be found HERE in the masterpost. Warnings for some SLIGHT smut, fluff, and angst. Enjoy ;)

Chapter 6 (2011) 5 Years Before. LA. Spring.

Jason’s phone vibrating was what distracted him from watching the Jazz band playing on the stage, which Matt had now joined in with. Jason held his phone up and made eye contact with Matt from his place on the stage. He then moved away to a quieter area of the club. _______________________________________ “I got a call back! Oh my god!” Jason was jumping up and down holding onto Matt as he did so. If I wasn’t holding on to him I swear I would float away. “Really? What for?” Matt had a huge smile on his face. Fuck, he has the cutest smile. “It’s for some online thing called ‘Hurts’, it doesn’t have a script or anything apparently. They said that they have a different role in mind for me, not the one I auditioned for! They would like to meet with me again for a different role! How cool is that?” Jason thought he might explode from excitement. “Jay, that’s amazing.” Matt wrapped him in a warm hug. As he pulled back he looked at Jason’s lips. God, please kiss me. Just as Jason thought he might, Matt pulled away and took his hand. “C’mon Pumpkin, had better get you home so you can prepare.” Jason’s heart sank a little, but he understood. He had, after all, asked Matt not to kiss him again until he was single. _______________________________________ Jason tugged Matt impatiently to the car and they were soon on the highway, making their way to Jason’s apartment. He had a million questions running through his mind. What do I wear? How do I prepare when there is still no script? Fuck! “You’re flipping your expressions from frowning to smiling every two seconds. What’s up?” Matt glanced at Jason. “I have no idea what to wear, or how to prepare. I mean, there is no script! I feel like I need to watch a movie marathon or something!” His voice was panicked. Fuck I need to calm down. “So go home and watch some movies. What is this role about? What do you know?” Matt asked. “I know it’s about people hurting. But that is kind of it. I don’t like thinking about what hurts me because it takes me to a very dark place, and I don’t like going to that place. So, I guess movie marathon it is. Any suggestions?” Jason babbled. “God there are so many! Virgin Suicides, Kids, The Breakfast Club! God what else…? Oh, The Pianist is one of my favourites… for obvious reasons!” Matt laughed at himself. “I don’t think I have seen any of those movies.” Jason put his head in his hands. “How can I be an actor when I don’t even watch movies?” He looked up from his personal pity party at the sound of Matt’s laughter filling the car. “You’re such a dork. You know, The Pianist is playing at this little outside theatre in Venice this weekend. It’s super cute. It’s one of those old-fashioned style ones, where you sit out on deck chairs in the sand and watch it projected on the side of a random building. Sometimes we get chased by the cops before the movie ends but it’s fun and I have been asking them to play The Pianist for like, ever. I was going to go after work on my own but, I could always take you? Like, a date? I guess…” Matt’s confidence seemed to dwindle as he spoke. Yes! Yes! “Sure, you have my number now. Text me the address and I’ll meet you there” Jason took Matt’s hand and stroked his thumb across the top of his hand. Perfect. _______________________________________ Matt had spent the next five days trying to think about anything other than Jason. Or Violet. He had messaged Jason and told him the location of the secret cinema, and now he was just awaiting a response. He wasn’t sure how to label Jason in his phone contacts, so he just called him ‘Pumpkin.’ He had been composing more music than ever. He felt extremely inspired. Matt was sure it had everything to do with the man with the messy bun and the woman with the tiny waist.

His usual gig at Charlie’s tonight had been cancelled as the restaurant was closed for the night. It was Charlie and his wives 40th wedding anniversary. How cute. Matt was so deep in thought he didn’t hear the front door open and close, or the sound of heels clicking around upstairs. He continued to play and make notes in his music book. Every song title had something to do with either Jason or Violet. What does this one remind me off, ummm, her magical laugh… ‘Magical Laughter’… “Matt… Matt… Matthew!” Matt snapped out of thinking about Jason; looking straight into Courtney’s blue eyes. And all he could see, were stars. (1990) 21 Years Before. Atlanta. Spring. ‘C’mon Matty! We have to get a seat!” A beautiful woman with long golden hair pulled a tiny Matt along with her, laughing and smiling as she moved through the small café. She found a table to the left of the small stage and pulled a chair out for Matt. “C’mon Handsome, hop up! You are only ever going to see a performance this good once!” The woman sat opposite him, and held his small hand in hers. Matt’s heart was beating so fast. “Plus, your father think’s we went to visit Aunt June! Guess what? We totally aren’t!” Matt just looked at his mother with adoration as she talked at a thousand words a minute. The only time she was ever quiet was during a performance. “Now Matty, this is a performance café, so when people are on stage you have to be quiet and respectful; But when there isn’t anybody on the stage you can talk, like we are. Understand?” She smiled, her blue eyes sparkled. “Sure Mumma, I get it.” He smiled back up at his mother. Her eyes soon left his as she focused on the stage where a slender woman with dark hair had walked out. Matt started to feel a burning in his chest. He wasn’t sure what it was. The woman sat at the piano and started to play beautifully, maybe even more so than his mother and he loved his mother. That was the first time Matt had seen what he was about to see, and all he could see, were stars. (2011) LA. Spring. Jason sat in the living room, on the couch, watching movies. This is where he had been for the past 5 days; the only time he left the sofa was to go to work. The thought of not getting this role was driving him insane, and he was going to do just about anything to make sure he would be successful at it. Kurtis opened the living room door and plumped up the cushions so he could sit beside Jason. Jason was so caught up in his movie he barely noticed Kurtis asking him a question. “Bitch, answer me. When are you going to leave this sofa?” Kurtis pressed the pause button on the remote to ensure that Jason was paying attention. “Whenever Matt text’s me where he wants me to meet him for our date.” He replied as if it was second nature, but he instantly regretted it as Kurtis’ face lit up. “Where is he taking you? What are you going to wear? When are you going?” Kurtis had now moved to sit on the armchair opposite. He was basically jumping in his seat. Fuck, calm down. “Well, we’re going to some weird secret outside cinema. I have no idea, and whenever he texts me a day.” He picked his phone up at that moment and saw he had a message. 1800 Ocean Front Walk, Venice. Just keep walking along the boardwalk till you see the Secret Cinema sign. I’ll be the handsome man with the popcorn. Heels not advised. Only because of sand. See you later Pumpkin. Jason smiled and saved Matt into his phone as ‘Handsome’. “Well, tonight apparently. He texted me earlier, but I didn’t even notice as I’ve had my head in the TV for most of the afternoon.” Jason sighed as he turned the TV off and wondered into his room. “Fuck! Kurtis! What do I wear?” He let out a sigh in frustration as he pulled his drawers open to where his boy clothes lived. “You have loads of nice clothes; just wear some skinny jeans and a shirt. That vintage patterned one you got a while ago? Or maybe your leather jacket?” He was going through Jason’s wardrobe pulling out all sorts of things that did not go together. Stick to make-up hun. “I’m not wearing a leather jacket to the beach bitch. Look, ill just wear my black jeans and this shirt.” He grabbed a different vintage shirt; it was a navy blue colour with an 80’s style geometric pattern on it. “And I now need to shower, so goodbye.” He pushed Kurtis out of his room and slammed the door. He glanced at the clock. 3pm, I have some time. Jason leant over, opened Spotify, put his favourite instrumental playlist on and laid back on the bed. As he listened to his mothers, or Matt’s tune. All he could see, were stars. (1990) 21 Years Before. Atlanta. Spring. A baby Jason was playing with toys on the floor of some shabby-chic looking café. Blue eyes looking back at him. A young boy smiling down at him, helping him to stand up. Jason felt cold. He looked around for his mother and began crying when he couldn’t see her. The blue-eyed boy was saying “shhh!” over and over. “Shall we find our Mumma’s little one?” Baby Jason attempted to crawl, clinging on to the bottom of the other boy’s trousers. Baby Jason saw his mother and another woman sitting on the piano stall together. Playing at opposite ends on the piano. And all he could see, were stars. (2011) LA. Spring. Jason awoke feeling confused. Was that a memory? He glanced at the clock and realised he was now running late. Shit! He grabbed his clothes and rushed to the bathroom to get ready. _______________________________________ “Hey, I didn’t know you were coming back today. I could have got you from the airport.” Matt got up to greet Courtney, he pecked her on the cheek. He had never felt so guilty. “It’s okay, I’m only here because my parents are in the US and insisted that I see them.” Courtney huffed and followed as Matt went back upstairs. “Your parents are here… great” He rolled his eyes as he went to the kitchen to make himself a drink. Courtney seemed on edge. “Yeah, I know you hate them. Hell, I hate them. But will you please come with me to dinner tonight. I can’t face them on my own.” Courtney looked at him with pleading eyes. His heart broke, not because of Courtney, but because he would have to let Jason down. “Court, I actually have work tonight.” Let’s try that angle. “For god sakes Matt! I never ask you for anything! You live here, you eat the food I buy, you basically bum off of me and I need one favour for you and you can’t do it?” Courtney raised her voice. Matt felt conflicted. It was never just one favour though, was it Court? “Fine! I just, I need to tell work.” He went to go back downstairs to get his phone but Courtney cut him off. “Don’t worry, it’s not like it’s an important job Matthew. Let’s just go. I need to get you something to wear because your clothes are hideous.” Courtney grabbed Matt, pushing him out of the door. He glanced back inside and felt his heart sink. I’m so sorry Jay. _______________________________________ “Do I look okay?” Jason stood in the living room, blocking Kurtis from watching TV. “You look to die for. I swear to god, if he doesn’t rip that shirt open and want to take you on the beach then I might!” He jumped up and fussed over Jason. He swatted Kurtis away. No thanks. “Okay, well I’m going to go. I’ve got my keys and phone. Please don’t wait up” He typed a quick text to Matt letting him know he was leaving, and he set off, in his Prius. _______________________________________ Matt had spent the entire dinner watching the clock. He couldn’t remember if he had told Jason a time. Why can’t I remember? Matt, Courtney and her parents were eating at some fancy sushi restaurant on the other side of LA to where he had told Jason to meet him. Fuck! Courtney’s parents were always so horrible to her. He could tell that the dinner was painful for her and he kept squeezing her knee under the table to re-assure her. He felt so ashamed. He wanted more than anything to support Courtney, but as a friend. Not as her boyfriend. “So Matt, you still getting steady gigs? What’s the big goal? You know, Courtney can’t carry you forever.” Matt rolled his eyes. This question came up a lot from them, he always had the same answer. “I’m still saving to open my own Jazz club, remember. Unfortunately, the property I was interested in in New York just got converted into a salsa tapas place. Like, what even is that? Anyway, I’m just looking for new locations now.” He smiled and didn’t really pay attention to anything else her parents we’re saying. Somewhere towards the other side of the restaurant was a pianist. He could have sworn the pianist was playing his tune. City of stars Are you shining just for me? Matt could hear the lyrics so clearly in his head. He felt like he was in a dream. As if time was moving slower than he was. The lights seemed brighter for some reason. He wasn’t even convinced the piano was playing his tune. But he could hear it. Who knows? Is this the start of something wonderful and new? Or one more dream that I cannot make…. True…. A dream I cannot make true. No way, I need to make this happen. Wake up! “I’m so sorry Courtney, but, I can’t do this anymore, and I know you can’t either. Mr and Mrs Act, it has been a pleasure knowing you for all of these years. But, my heart is with someone else and I need to go get them.” Matt apologised again and got up from his seat. He was moving towards the exit when he glanced back at Courtney to see her smiling brightly back at him. He gave her a small nod and ran as fast as he could to the nearest taxi rank. _______________________________________ Jason felt stupid, he knew it was too good to be true. He had been sitting in his deck chair for 45 minutes already and no sign of Matt. How did I think he liked me, I’m repulsive. This is why he never went on dates. His face was so focused on the movie that he didn’t even notice that someone had sat next to him. That was, until he felt the shiver shoot up his spine. Matt?

He turned his head and he saw Matt, looking extremely sweaty and gazing back at him. Before he could realise what was happening, Matt breathed, “I’m single” and grabbed Jason’s face between his hands. He was kissing him with so much desperation that Jason could feel it burning at his lips. He is single? He broke up with his girlfriend? Oh my god he is kissing me, and what is he doing with his tongue? Matt pulled away from Jason, breaking the spell. When Jason saw Matt looking to the right where he saw police cars pulling up and jogging over to where they were seated in the sand. “C’mon Pumpkin, before we get caught” He pulled Jason up and tugged him along in the sand. He was laughing. He stopped suddenly, kicking his fancy shoes off into the distance and shouting, “Who needs shoes! I’m free!” Why is he such a dork? Jason led Matt over to his Prius, which Matt had great pleasure laughing at. He drove Matt back to his place. “I’m homeless!” Matt joked playfully in the car on the ride over. They both took the stairs two at a time, with Matt constantly telling Jason how perfect his ass was. He felt confident. For once in my life. They stumbled through the front door to find the place quiet. One single lamp was on in the living room, and Jason spotted the glow from his own lamp in his bedroom down the hall. Phew, no Kurtis. Their lips were on each other, as they continued their battle for dominance towards the bedroom. Jason kicked his shoes off and they flew, hitting the wall on the way. Clothes became fewer on the way to the bedroom. Jason left Matt for just a second and put his instrumental playlist on the loudest he had ever heard it. “Fuck the neighbours.” He breathed as he unbuttoned Matt’s fancy shirt. Kissing down his chest, and lingering on his pelvic bone. “Stop! Stop… Slow down.” He grabbed Jason’s wrists to halt him. Jason felt insecure. “Dance with me.”  Matt breathed. He pulled Jason up and took him in his arms and started spinning him around his tiny bedroom to the beat of the playlist. At some point, Jason had willed the lights to turn down to a more romantic glow, and it was only them, swirling and twirling, under the glow of the stars that Jason had super glued to the ceiling. Jason felt like he was floating. Matt was making him feel more comfortable and safe than anyone ever had. He felt like they had been dancing for a lifetime. The darkness didn’t frighten Jason in that moment. Soon the lights were completely off. I feel safe with you. Matt trailed kisses across Jason’s jaw. He felt the shiver in his groin, he thought he might cum just from being kissed. Oh my god. “Is this okay?” Matt asked. Jason replied in moans but he wasn’t sure it made sense. He was making the most animalistic noises as Matt made his way down to his chest, kissing one nipple and playing with the ring in his other one. “Matt.” Jason breathed, over and over. Matt pushed Jason down to the bed and continued his trial of kisses down to his boxers. He bit at Jason’s cock through his boxers. He whimpered. Matt looked up unsure. Jason smiled down at him. “Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with Matt. I just want you.” Jason played with Matt’s short hair at the side of his head. Running his fingers up and down and around the back of his ears. He looked at Jason’s crotch and pulled his boxers down. He kissed the tip of Jason’s cock and then took it into his mouth. Jason could swear his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Matt continued to work on Jason’s cock while his own erection was throbbing in his pants. It was becoming so uncomfortable that he could barely concentrate on what he was doing. Jason soon sat up, pushing Matt back. He then crawled across the bed, slipping his hands into Matt’s pants. He freed Matt’s cock who let out a gasp of relief. “I want you to fuck me Matt.” Jason whispered as he palmed Matt’s erection. “I’ll bottom. But you need to get me ready. Can you do that?” Please say yes. “Of course.” Matt pushed Jason back roughly and pushed his legs into his chest. Matt started to lick around the rim of Jason’s hole tentatively. Matt felt slightly unsure, however, Jason’s moans spurred him on. He was now touching Jason’s cock, moving his hand up and down. Matt let out a “Bedside drawer?” between kissing and licking Jason’s hole. Matt heard a faint ‘fuck yes.’ He then reached into the drawer and got a condom and a bottle of lube. He coated two fingers in the lube and started to move one finger in and out of Jason’s hole carefully. The look of pleasure on Jason’s face was nearly enough to make Matt cum. He then inserted another and when he felt Jason start to loosen up, he changed his finger motion to start scissoring him instead, preparing him for Matt to enter. Matt kissed the tip of Jason’s cock as he continued to prepare him. Jason breathed a rough ‘I’m ready’ and Matt removed his fingers. Rolled the condom down his dick and coated it in lube. Their first time was passionate. Matt was unsure and tentative as he angled himself to find Jason’s prostate in a missionary position. He soon found the angle and rhythm that Jason liked. Matt had never felt anything so tight around his cock. He came apart soon after as each thrust seemed to feel better and better; with Jason’s name on his lips. Matt had cum a litter sooner than he would of liked so to tip Jason over the edge he pulled out, took Jason’s cock in his mouth once more, only this time, with two fingers in his hole, tapping at his prostate. Jason came, moaning loudly. They discarded the condom and wrapped themselves around each other. They both gazed at the ceiling as they started to fall asleep, and all they could see, were stars.

#leatwerpenn #pearlet #city of stars #pearl liaison #violet chachki #fluff #smut #angst #rpdr fanfiction #la la land au #m/m au

[tryingtobeneutralrobot-blog]

Ever since that day, there were times where I was doing fine and sometimes I wasn't. I didn't cry out loud like I used to be when you hung up on me, I just sat in the same spot for quite some time, thinking about what you said you lost feelings for me completely, you don’t love me anymore. You began to get really frustrated and jumpy with me, you said I ranted a lot, you were annoyed often, you didn't even bother to reply my texts, you were tired of talking to me over the phone, you didn’t even care to find out what happened during the day. I told you you would probably never find someone who loves you as much as I do. I thought we both made each other as lifetime partners through thick and thin. I didn't feel like crying. I just felt my heart was heavy, like it sank. Until I went out to meet Pei En, the pain finally crept in, I cried so loud that as if my voice echoed and it hurt my ears. Pei En just stayed there with me, quietly. She said she used to be in your shoes, lost her feelings completely for her boyfriend. Until they agreed to have one last shot going on trip to Bali together as friends, that's how she fell in love with her boyfriend again she said. She's so grateful the fact that the boyfriend was so persistent even she told him she would never feel the same way for him again, it's impossible. I then thought, that could be us. I questioned myself if I ask you to have one last shot going on a trip as friends, would you? The reality feared me. What if all I got was your cold words again. I began to wonder if we were just in the phase where couple act like old married couple, lose all the sparks, but used to each other's company, someone that we both couldn’t lose in lives. Despite all these drama, silver lining was, I was home. I went out almost every day, met my friends even though they had no idea about all these drama, took lot of pictures, I read, I talked to my parents. I didn't cry for days. My mom told me you'll have to go through few relationships to really find the one. I said no mom, I really thought this would be the last one I would have. I don't need all those dramatic relationships, I just need a simple one. Stick around no matter what happens, hold my hands and hug me and tell me everything is gonna be fine. Plain and simple. My sister in the states called and told us she's getting married. I literally jumped and screamed. I was so happy for them. Again, I thought, that could be us. I told myself to pull myself together, I had three events to handle. I still wear your hoodie every night, trying to feel your presence as if I was just sleeping in your arms like old times. You know I could actually feel you holding me whenever I had nightmares. Your arms wrapped around me, stroking my hair, kissing my forehead, feeling your heartbeat. I felt safe. I hate to come back here. Everywhere I turn just reminds me of you. First day of uni started off well in the beginning, until Yerin came in and handed me a bag. I stared at it for a moment, and learned it was all the stuff I got you. The Nano block was the first thing I got you. I remember I got it when I was doing group project in Melaka. You told me it's called Sullivan. I freaked you out by asking you what if it was possessed at the rooftop. Then there was the water bottle. I snuck away to get it from a store when you were browsing clothes or shoes in Adidas store. I was gonna get you the green one because you told me one of your fav colors is green but too bad it ran out. Last there was the frame I got you. I was expecting you to write me something telling me what's on your mind. I turned it over, nothing. The fact that you left just like that, it really bothers me. I could still remember the times when we’d stay up all night chatting away at the rooftop. I remember the surprise visits. I remember the few moments we shared in each others company. I remember the times we’d laugh our hearts out randomly. I remember the pointless quarrels we had. I remember saying “I love you” a couple more times than normal. I remember sharing details about our happy crushes and how you told me not to worry because you’d still choose me. I remember the way you kissed my forehead whenever you had to go. I remember you saying it would be a very stupid idea if you were to leave me, and asking me to hold you back if you did it someday. I laughed and said hell no, yet I still held you back. Not once but five times. I remember saying to you if you asked for a breakup with me I would just let you go, yet I held you back. I didn’t expect to fall for you that hard. I remember you saying it's destiny, we are meant for each other. I remember how you used to keep your promises, how you used to include me in your future, how we talked about how many children we gonna have, what names we gonna give them, how am I gonna reach you when you are off to the army. I remember you saying you would never get sick of me, if you really did you could fall in love with me again. Long distance relationship is never an issue for me, because I knew we would make it somehow, despite the distance. My heart still aches every time I remember you saying forever, how lucky are you to have met me, how unbelievable that we are together. Little things still haunt me the most. The texts I don’t get in the morning, notifications I no longer see, not knowing about your day, or life. The pain when someone asks about you all I can do is just smile. The idea of you not being here. I missed you so bad and the truth sank in that you would be gone forever. I was so used to picturing future with you that I couldn’t picture myself anymore with anyone else. A non-existent pain, agonizing pain that suffocates me. I am not sure if I will ever love someone again, at least not for a long long time. Sometimes I feel grateful of you being so harsh on me. Over the past two months, when I was still in the paranoid state, I felt like I was losing myself for trying too hard to make you stay. I didn't know who I was anymore. I thought you were my everything. I was wrong. I've grown to be more, I don’t know how do I put this. I love myself more. I have come to a point realizing I can only love other people if I love myself. So I hate it whenever I have the flashback of cutting myself. I loathe it. I didn’t do that to make you stay, because I thought I lost everything. I am sorry that made you feel like you were obligated to stay. If only I could turn back the time, I would undo it. If I were to date anyone again, I wouldn’t try to change him like I did to you. I made you quit all sort of unhealthy activities like smoking cigs, weeds, doing shisha and vaping. You did quit all for me, and you went back to doing those stuff again. I could only affect you temporarily. You will need to meet someone that makes you feel like making yourself a better person, striving to be better. It has to be from your intention to quit all those things, instead of being told to. If you wants a tattoo, we will get a matching one. You want to travel somewhere exotic, ill follow. You long for some crazy adventure, include me in it. Sadly I am not the one. I wonder how is it so easy for you. You just stopped loving me all of sudden meanwhile my love for you grew more intense day by day. I wonder how is it so easy for you. Going from passionate soulmates to detached strangers. How is it so easy for you. To sleep soundly like a baby throughout the entire night. I sometimes wake up in the middle of night sobbing like as if I was losing my breath and die. How is it so easy for you. From loving me to hating me. I could never hate you, no matter how hard I've tried. It still kills me to decide finally letting you go. I need you to know, letting you go doesn’t mean I've stopped loving you or stopped caring. It just means I've reached a point where I stopped trying to make you care and love me. I am just ready to stop fighting a losing battle. It's really not easy to let go. Letting you go means letting go of everything I've known and loved for so long. I may fall apart at the mere mention of your name, cringe in pain when I listen to the playlist you made me, break down when I remember you're no longer around. I didn't just lose you over the phone, on Facebook or Instagram when you removed me. I lose you every single day. I lose you slowly. I lose you every morning when I wake up and aware of the fact that our fingers are no longer twisted together. I lose you when I hear the song you shared me. I lose you when I lie in bed wanting to tell you about my day. I lose you when I no longer hear you brushing your teeth. I genuinely hope you will find the one soon. But I need you to remember what am I gonna say next. No matter what, and no matter who you pick to be your wife, and no matter who you grow old with, stay with her. Don't break her heart. When you finally find someone to keep around, do something. I know exactly how it feels to have heart broken. I hate to see people going through the same thing. Nothing went as planned for us. But I guess seeing you and meeting you and falling in love with you was never something I expected. But I also didn’t expect you to go. I didn’t expect 'us' to end this soon, I didn’t expect 'us' to end. I used to think our souls were intertwined. I used to think that whatever I felt, you could be there for me. You would always be there for me, no matter the breakup and the messes that we made. And no matter how much time had passed, I always thought you’d stick around. At the very least, just be there when I needed you. To forget that you were gone and just for a minute live in the past is hard. Because the past with you was my favorite thing. And it was so real. You were so real. But now, you’ve moved on. I sit here in my apartment and it’s so quiet I can feel my heart beat in my ears. It’s strange to me that this is the same heart that you used to rely on. That my heart is still the heart that you loved a year ago. I just always thought that our relationship would outlast our time on this earth. I thought that at the very least, we could still be ‘us’. But then you said that you couldn’t be that person for me now. That you can’t be who you used to be for me. And I get it. And I understand. You will still be here, forever marked upon my heart. I am gonna miss you, I am gonna miss us.

I've always wanted to share this with you.

"I hope you don’t mind if I have already envisioned you as the only guy I am going to be with, the only guy I am going to settle with, the only guy I picture future with. I've always wanted a small wedding by the beach. Just family and few close friends to see us exchange rings and say our vows. Not a fancy one. Though it might be hot under the sun, guests might have to squint to take pictures. I would be very likely to walk around barefooted, because I am not a high heels person. I don’t have to worry about makeup being smudged under the hot weather, as I will pretty much to prefer have light makeup on. Maybe with braided hair. I even know what wedding dress to choose, the off shoulder Bohemia style wedding dress. Wood as floors, wall with pastel colours. I'll look up on the internet to learn cooking because I am not a gifted chef. We can have one room for collections from all the countries we travel to. We will watch some tv series white munching a bag of potato chips or we can stay in bed while cuddle the night away. We will hug each other to wash away the worries from work. We are definitely getting dogs, but you're more like a cat-person. So I guess both. It works for me. I prefer daughters but you said we will love them all. I'm not going to let you give them weird names. We can reside somewhere near the beach so that we can take the kids and dogs and cats to watch sunset. During the holiday we can bring the kids back to Korea to feel the place you grew up and raised in. Also my place, somewhere isolated from basically everything. A future with you is my favourite. Stay no matter how difficult it will be. Stay with me because I don’t want anyone else but you. And I hope it is the same for you too."

[ultralifehackerguru-blog]

New Post has been published on http://www.lifehacker.guru/get-over-a-micro-breakup-with-these-six-slightly-cynical-strategies/

Get Over a Micro-Breakup With These Six Slightly Cynical Strategies

When I moved out from the apartment I shared with my husband, two dogs, and a cat, it hurt real bad, but it hurt in a way that I fully expected. There was nothing surprising about the feelings that accompanied the dissolution of a ten-year relationship; I was devastated, but it would be weird if I hadn’t been. Entire movie plots are dedicated to big, proper, capital-B Breakups, but not much attention is paid to the smaller, seemingly less significant “micro-breakups,” a term used by Britany Robinson to describe the end of something that never really was.

This may be why I was very cavalier when I first returned to world of dating. Not only were my expectations fairly low—based on everything I had read and watched about dating in the internet age, this was going to suck—but I felt fairly invincible, hurt feelings-wise. I had lost my husband, so I wasn’t about to get all weepy over what the kids were referring to as “fuckboys.”

So imagine my surprise when I reacted very poorly to my first micro-breakup. I had only gone on a couple of dates with this guy, and I thought he was nice enough (and looked like the lead singer of The National), but I certainly wasn’t in love with him, and reacted disproportionately to his “I’m not feeling this” text. I didn’t cry, but I had this sinking, terrible feeling in my chest that wouldn’t go away, and I felt stupid for having it.

Basically, going through a “real” breakup is like losing a limb. Everyone is properly upset for you, no one expects you to heal super quickly, and your mindset becomes “well, I guess I better adjust to life without this arm, because it’s not coming back.” The micro-breakup is like a paper cut. No one gives a fuck, and you know it will eventually work itself out, but it’s really, distractingly annoying—maybe even infuriating—in the moment. I’ve gone through a few of these and, though they still smart, I have developed a few strategies for soothing the sting of these emotional paper cuts.

Try and Identify Why You’re Actually Upset

Chances are, you’re feelings of sadness have less to do with the loss of a person, and more to do with rejection, wounded pride, and the frustration of dating in general. When Matt Berninger’s doppelganger called it off, I was more upset about him not liking me than I was about his sudden absence in my life. Even though our dates had consisted of him bitterly complaining about his ex over whiskey, I was excited that a good-looking dude seemed interested in me, and the sudden lack of that interest made me feel bad about myself. Realizing that my ego was bruised but my heart wasn’t even a little broken didn’t immediately put a smile on my face, but it encouraged me to practice some self-care and be nice to myself, which helped build my self-esteem back up.

If you’re having a hard time identifying exactly why you’re upset, I recommend going the Morning Pages route, and writing three pages longhand, stream-of-consciousness style, filling those pages with whatever pops into your head. Don’t think; just write. You may be surprised with what comes up. Once you have a handle on why you’re really upset, you can process it and move on.

Remember the Micro-Bad

The thing about long-term relationships is that you’ve had a good long while to see the good, the bad, and the really ugly. The bad and ugly are obviously not good, but at least you can frame them in a pleasing “ugh, at least I don’t have to deal with that crap anymore” light. You don’t have that exact luxury with micro-breakups, but you can adopt a similar strategy by remembering all the little things that gave you pause on the first couple of encounters.

I was seeing a dude who was pretty perfect on paper. He was a writer who made me laugh and responded to my texts quickly and said he enjoyed my company. I thought I was very into him, even though I never felt like I could relax and totally be myself in his presence. I chalked up my anxious feelings surrounding him to “butterflies,” when in actuality he just made me ill at ease. But when he texted me to tell me that a wedding had “made him think about love,” and he couldn’t see me anymore, I was bummed. (After all, this guy had given me a book on our second date. How romantic is that?)

But a few hours later I noticed I felt something else besides “bummed.” I felt relieved. Not only did this generalized anxiety I had been carrying around with me for a couple of weeks start to fade, but I could finally admit to myself that I was only pretending to enjoy the book he gave me. Reminding yourself of the things you don’t like about someone may seem slightly “sour grapes,” but remembering little things you may have ignored in an effort to “give them a chance” can be very freeing. Annoying table manners, shark tooth necklaces, and dissimilar taste in music may not be deal breakers, but isn’t it nice that you don’t have to deal with them?

Use It As Fodder

More than one man has ended our interactions with “Please don’t write about me,” and I have always responded with a blank stare until they add “at least change my name if you do.” I am of the opinion that, as long as you don’t provide any identifying information, no one can tell you how to use your own experiences. Turning any amount of pain into art—whether you publish it or not—can be deeply cathartic. I’m not saying every little non-breakup is worth an epic poem; I’ve experienced great relief from writing a dumb, darkly humorous tweet about romantic disappointment. Not only does it let you laugh at yourself and the situation, but others will most likely commiserate, and it’s always nice to feel less alone.

Move Around a Bit

As much as I hate running, there are times when nothing else will do, and I have gone on many post-not-quite-breakup rage runs. The endorphins are great and all, but there’s something about angrily hitting the pavement with my feet that is very good for my wounded pride, if not my knees. It also helps to have a rage run playlist. Two of my must-have songs for such a list are this one and this one. Of course, you don’t have to run. Any kind of highly physical activity will help, though I recommend something fairly intense. A bit of physical pain can really distract from a spot of emotional anguish.

Don’t Commit If No One Is Asking You To

This may seem like a cynical approach, but having a few balls in the air prevents you from getting too focused on one ball. Put simply: if no one has asked you to be in a relationship, you’re not in one. This means you can (and should) keep seeing other people until someone asks you not to. This keeps you from putting all of your emotional eggs in one basket and, if one of those baskets gets overturned, it won’t hurt as much because you still have some eggs in other, different baskets. If these metaphors about balls and eggs are getting a bit much, think of it this way: the worst part of the micro-breakup—assuming you haven’t actually fallen in love—is the sudden withdrawal of interest and attention. If you are getting interest and attention from a few sources, the loss of one source sucks less.

I actually received the “I went to a wedding and as a result wish to end our non-relationship” text while on date with another dude. I must have made a frowny face, because the dude asked me what was wrong. “Oh,” I said, “a guy I was seeing just texted to tell me he doesn’t want to see me anymore.” (I am nothing if not an honest oversharer.) “What an idiot,” Dude-I-Was-on-a-Date-With replied. That simple sentence provided just enough of an ego boost to soothe the micro-breakup sting, and I then turned my attention to Dude-I-Was-on-a-Date-With, who was genuinely thrilled to be hanging out with me. (That dude is now Dude-Who-Has-a-Toothbrush-at-my-Place.)

Go Nuclear

Dating can be super-dehumanizing, and sometimes you need to just quit doing it for a while. Dating apps aren’t going anywhere, and you’re most likely not going to miss out on your soulmate if you delete Tinder for a few weeks. (I have personally deleted Tinder a total of five times, and each time was extremely cathartic.) Though it’s very nice to feel liked and desired by other people, whether or not someone you interacted with a few times wants to date you or buy you drinks or sleep with you does not define your value as a human, and sometimes a break from the brutal world of dating is necessary to remind yourself of that.

If you find yourself feeling disproportionately dejected, or just plain exhausted by the demise of a not-quite-relationship, consider deleting the apps, and spending that time, energy, and money doing things you know, without a doubt, will bring you joy. Hang out with your best friends and biggest fans, and let those connections build you back up. Take yourself out on dates, and go to concerts, movies, restaurants, and museums alone. (Seriously, a solo art museum trip is pure heaven; you can spend as much time as you like with the works you enjoy and skip those you don’t.) The great thing about being single is having complete authority over every bit of your free time, and you shouldn’t let the disappointment of a micro-breakup prevent you from enjoying it.

More Dating and Breakup Advice:

How to Tell Someone You Have an STD

Financial Infidelity Can Ruin Your Relationship—And It’s More Common Than You Think

The Breakup Songs Playlist

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