#idk. i should be okay tomorrow. or today if i get high. ill just have to see if im gettimg better staying the same or getting worse. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ninjaslegos · 3 years

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Tumblr is glitching on me so idk if my morro x gender neutral reader who's a necromancer fluff went throught. So pls ignore this if this is a duplicate! (the one where people are intimidated by the reader but they are actually a shy and quiet sweetheart). Thank u and sorry again ksjkjd

You would be correct; Tumblr did not give me your request! I hope this really sweet oneshot makes up for the wait! In general to anyone else wondering if their requests got to me as well, here are two tips. 1. check the que! if the number changes then it's likely I got it (I try to update it twice a day) 2. if I haven't answered it in at least a week, try again! I'll let you know if I got it.

Undead Zombie, Rotten Hobby, Love Probably

Where true friends are the ones you make yourself.

You sniffled as you washed your cloak of tomato juice and alcohol. The villagers were mean to you again, but you never fought back. It would only make things worse. Your groceries were ruined, and you would have to go hungry tonight. You just hoped tomorrow would be better.

"Say out of the village, freak!" "We don't want your kind around here!" "Evil people like you should be locked away for the rest of your life!" "The Necromancer is coming! Hide your children before they curse them!"

The shouts of angry people still haunted your mind, as you lay tossing and turning in bed. People were either scared to death of you, or hated you to the point of throwing things at you in hopes of causing distress or injury.

But what you were didn't justify what they did to you. You pursued necromancy under your master, who taught you how to communicate with, borrow powers of, and raise the dead. You wanted to use this ability to reunite people with their lost family members, but no one appreciated it. Instead they looked at your dark, ominous clothing and called you a monster and a creep.

You happened to like your clothing; long sleeved shirts, pants, boots, a mask, and a cloak, all in dark colors and adorned in holes for cosmetic purposes. You thought it looked cool, but no one else seemed to.

The door to your room opened, and your master, Gardi, stood there with a saddened face. "I'm sorry for what happened today." In his hands was a plate of honey and bread, and a glass of apple juice. "I know this will help." He smiles as he places it on your bedside table. After living with him for a solid 11 years of your life, the elderly man knew you like you were his own child. It's funny how when he first met you, he refused to take you in, but after you showed signs of illness, he let you in his house and nursed you back to health. Now he was teaching you high level spells and cheered you up when you were feeling down.

You sit up and take a bite of honeyed bread. "Thank you," you nod, then sigh, "but all the groceries are ruined. I failed."

"Well," he rummages through the pails you brought. "The milk is definitely soiled," he looks at the milk pail and frowns, "I'll have to go out tomorrow if we want any cheese, but a few eggs and the wheat and berries survived. We can make some jam with the fruit and use the wheat to make bread." He smiles at you. "You did better than last time."

You rub your eyes as tears start to flow from them, "but I have to do better than this, or else we'll starve! Everyone thinks I'm evil, and they hate me!" You wail, and Gardi opens his arms to hug you.

Feeling warm in the elder's arms, he comforts you. "Who cares what they think? What's more important to you, your work and your willingness to reunite lost families, or those cranky bastards in the village?"

You giggle, "you said a swear word."

He sighs, but chuckles with you, "I don't think bastard is a swear word, but today it counts, okay?"

You nod, and he smooths down your hair. He looked to you as his own child, despite declaring years ago that he did not want to get married nor have kids. You were perfect, though. You were sweet, kind, and polite; you never rose your voice against him, you always tried to help him when you could, you cleaned every weekend and worked in the garden every Monday and Tuesday, and you never disturbed him while he was busy.

"Get some sleep," he kisses your forehead and tucks you in, "tomorrow you can stay inside and work on your basic spells again; I can't have you getting rusty on me, now! Even I practice them every once in a while to make sure I don't forget."

"I will, Gardi. Thank you." Snack eaten, and stomach full, you're ready for some sweet dreaming. However, after trying to fall asleep for at least an hour or two, you still can't manage to sit still, or even keep your eyes closed for too long. You toss and turn in bed, thinking about what happened today, and how badly you did at your task, and letting the worry keep you awake. Finally, it's too much to handle, and you get out of bed, leaving your shoes behind and throwing your cape around your shoulders.

The air outside is fresh and cold, and you were especially careful not to wake up Gardi as you exit the hut. You left your shoes there in case he did wake up, so he would know you were coming back. There's nowhere really to go, as it's all wetlands and swamp where you live. There's a narrow path leading from home to the village, but you don't want to go there. Instead, you walk barefoot in the grass, heading for the main river. It was a dry season, so not only was that the only thing left, you wouldn't get your feet too wet and muddy.

The moon was high in the sky, coating you in silver glow, as you ran through the trees towards the river. You just had to get away from everything. The village, the dead people who wandered aimlessly; you were told to ignore them, and even Gardi. Of course you were strong in your power, but you felt like he wouldn't want you anymore if he couldn't even depend on you to bring in groceries.

You just needed time to yourself. You could see your breath in the chilly, autumn night weather, but you didn't pay much attention to that, instead just coming to a stop at the riverbank and sitting down, dipping your toes into the freezing water. It only served to keep you awake longer. Finally alone, truly alone, with nothing alive nor dead around you to listen and watch, you sobbed. For the loss of your parents, for all the times Gardi was strict in your early teaching, and for every time you were called a witch, a nuisance, a monster, unlovable, evil, freak, and a threat of every type of death under the sun; you sobbed and cried and screamed and wailed.

You could finally let go and be loud, and not care about yourself or others around you right now.

"Why are you so damn loud?! Do you want me to hurt you?!"

The voice makes you hiccup to a complete stop, as you hold your breath to keep from making more noise and turn around to face the stranger. He's not alive; you can tell by his green body and dark eyes. He hasn't been dead long, as he is still walking while most ghosts fly, and he can still feel hints of pain. "I'm-I'm sorry," you hiccup, "I thought I was alone."

"Yeah, I did too." He growls, kicking at the ground. "Why are you even here? There aren't any houses in these woods."

So he's freshly dead. "These aren't woods, they're wetlands. It's just the dry season." You stand up and brush grass and sand off your butt, "and I do live here, with my master. We live that way, and we're necromancers. Well, I'm still training." It's not like he can even enter the house; it's under a spell and even the items inside are coated in a special serum that prevents ghosts from interacting with them. In fact, your clothes are even washed in it. It prevents possession.

"Huh," he rubs his chin, "so that's why you're the only one who can see me so far." He raises his hand momentarily, then drops it. He looks like he's fighting an inner turmoil, before he finally speaks again. "You didn't answer my question. Why are you here?"

"I-I just...life's not very good right now." You drag your sleeve across your face to get rid of as many tears as possible. You didn't want to dump all your problems on him, but by that aloof look on his face, something told you that he didn't quite care. "I came here to get some time to myself. No one likes me except for my master, but I fear that I'm failing him."

He scoffs, "as far as I can tell, you're doing necromancy stuff right now, talking to the dead. You're fine."

"That's not what I mean," you turn to glance into his eyes briefly, but look back away when you just see annoyance, "I'm powerful, sure, but I can't go into the village without getting harassed. I bring back ruined items, and I need a bath every time I go, even if I bathed before."

Rolling his eyes, he tries to offer advice. "If you're so powerful, just raise the dead on them, and teach them not to mess with you."

He sounds sympathetic. "I can't do that!" You protest, "it'll just prove them right! They call me evil already, and threaten to kill me if I turn on them, so I'll only make it worse."

He scratches his cheek, looking away, before he speaks up, "just...why don't you..." he doesn't have any other ideas for you, and just trails off, staring at the ground. He seems to get frustrated, you couldn't tell if it was at himself or you, and kicks at the grass, "ugh, why am I even wasting my time here? You're supposed to be some smart wizard necromancer person, you figure it out!"

His yelling makes you start to cry again, and you slump to the ground.

"Don't be such a cry baby." He scoffs, but you can feel a faint hand on your shoulder. "Why don't you ask your master for help?"

You shake your head, "I can't bother him with something like that. I'm his student, not some kid he has to watch over." You rub your face again, "if I wasn't sick, he wouldn't have taken me in at all. I was an orphan, so he was really my last chance at life."

This seems to poke at a soft spot of his, as when you glance at him, his posture is more relaxed, and his face isn't so angry and stoic anymore; it's sympathetic and regretful. "You know, I was an orphan once, too. I would've starved to death if my master didn't take me in. His name was Wu, and he taught me how to use my wind element." You can tell there's more to the story, as this man died young, but he doesn't seem to want to talk about it. "He was my last chance at life."

"Oh, I'm sorry about that." You change the subject. "You have...wind powers? Can I try them?"

He grunts with skepticism, "you're a necromancer, only people who are born with an element can use it."

You giggle, feeling a little cheered up. "I can borrow power. Of course, I won't be good at it, the person I'm borrowing from has to be dead, and I can only use it if the master is nearby, but I can still use the power." To show him what you mean, you outstretch your arms towards him, palms up. Tentatively, he puts his hands in yours, and the moment he makes contact, a rush of wind blows from his side to yours. "Ta da!" You smile and start to move your arms, practicing your wind manipulation, and using it to blow the grass around you, and create small waves in the river.

"You...you don't need to be all extravagant, just point." He sighs, watching you move your arms and body, almost like you were dancing with the wind.

"But this is the strongest way to manipulate this type of element. There are three types of elements; elegance, strength, and will. Elements like wind, water, and fire are elegance-based, and work best through fluid movements and follow-through. Earth, ice, and metal elements are strength-based, and work through rigidity, and the ability to keep yourself sharp in movement. Sound, mind, and speed are will-based, meaning if you believe you can manipulate this power effectively, then you can." You explain to him. "Pointing the wind won't get you very far. When I spin my body like this, it generates speed and strength, and letting go of it allows me to throw it at an enemy with destructive force." You slow down, and drop it instead of tossing the air, "but I don't want to destroy anything."

He's quiet for a bit, processing the information you offered him. "Maybe that was why I wasn't strong enough to become the Green Ninja."

"You're a ninja?" You ask, tilting your head.

"No, well, kind of." He scowls. "The Green Ninja is supposed to be a legendary ninja, capable of defeating evil permanently, I think."

You deadpan at him. "Well, that's stupid. There's no such thing as eliminating evil, just as there's no such thing as eliminating good."

"Yes, but without evil, then no one in the village would bully you anymore." He argues. "I died trying to become the Green Ninja, because I wanted to be the strongest being there ever was."

You frown. "I...it's true that I don't want the villagers to be mean to me anymore, but without conflict, life becomes boring. Obviously there are bad and unwanted types, like total evil, but eliminating everything bad in the world means that only good things would happen ever. No one would cry, no one would feel anger, no one would try to be good at something they love, because there would be no reason to. There wouldn't be sports or competition, and no one would learn anything because they wouldn't want to disprove old science. Everything we know would change." You look at him with compassion in your eyes, "if you became the Green Ninja, and eliminated all evil and bad in the world, you wouldn't be the Green Ninja anymore. No one would be special."

He takes your words to heart, and thinks it over. "I didn't...think of it like that." He scratches the back of his neck. "Ugh, you make me feel weird!" You didn't think it was possible for ghosts to blush, as they don't have blood anymore, but his cheeks turn deeper in green. "Don't you have to sleep, or something? Go home! Go to bed!"

You flinch at the harshness of his voice, and duck around him to flee to Gardi's hut. You don't stop running until you get there, but when you do, you toss your cloak to the floor and flop down in bed. Finally, you can fall asleep.

"(Y/N), were you outside last night?" A voice wakes you up the next morning.

It's Gardi. "Yeah," you nod tiredly, rubbing sleep from your eyes, "there was a ghost outside nearby, and I went to check it out."

He sighs with relief, "did they say anything?"

"Well, he's barely dead, he still can't float." You shrug, "so he didn't have much to say."

"Is he, perhaps, that young man outside your window?" He chuckles.

"Huh?" You scramble out of bed, making sure to only peek outside from the corner of your window so if he did happen to look your direction, he wouldn't see you. "Oh." You didn't even get his name last night. Why was he here, anyway? To beat you up? He sounded angry when you left, so you figured you wouldn't see him again.

Gardi rubs his chin, "he seems to like you; as ghosts only follow those they want to keep safe."

His statement makes you feel warm, but you don't believe him. Maybe this ghost boy is just trying to get something from you. "I'll...go see what he wants." This time you slip on your boots and leave your cloak behind, as you planned on going back inside when you were done. "Hi." You sheepishly wave.

"Your master told me to introduce myself to you. I'm Morro." He holds his hand out awkwardly for a handshake.

"Oh, uhm, (Y/N). I'm sorry for disturbing you last night, you can go back to what you wanted to do." You shake his hand quickly, then bite your lip anxiously.

"That's the thing; I'm dead now, I have no plans. Well, maybe to become alive again somehow, but other than that I got nothing. So...I figured I'd follow you around and see what your life is like." He then blushes again, like last night, "just because I'm bored and don't know what to do; nothing else."

You smile, "sure, just...you can't come in the house. It's protected."

"Right..." He groans.

"I'll be right back, I just need to take a bath and get dressed." True to your word, half an hour later, you're outside in fresh clothing.

He snorts at you, "oh, gee, I wonder why people think you're evil when you're dressed like that. You look like an assassin." You wince and rub your arm, avoiding looking at him. He knows he said something wrong, and tries to backpedal. "It, uh, it looks good on you, though." You don't respond, and just head for the garden. "I'm sorry for what I said, okay?"

"No, it's fine," you insist with a fake smile, trying to make him feel at ease, "you don't know me that well, so you don't know what bothers me or not."

He sighs, but follows you close behind. "So...what should we do?"

"I'm gonna work in the garden, pull a few weeds, before going back inside and practicing my basic spells." You shrug, grabbing the weeding basket and getting to work, yanking the stubborn plants from the ground and dumping them in the basket, where you'd feed them to the bugs later.

Morro gets down on his knees to help you, but his hands go through them a few times. You can see the frustration in his eyes, but he tries to hide it from you. "Why do you need to practice spells you already know?"

"Think of it like doing back flips. First, you have to learn how to balance your body before you can do regular flips, then after perfecting front flips, you can do back flips. But if you don't keep practicing balance, then every back flip you do will fail. Necromancy spells are just like that; advanced spells are built upon basic spells." You explain it to him.

He nods in understanding. "Can I watch?"

You chuckle, "from the window, sure. You're not allowed in, remember?"

He laughs at your statement. It's short, but it's a sweet one that you're sure to remember. "Why do you even do necromancy?"

"Well, at first I did it for myself. I wanted to see my parents again, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find them. Instead of giving up, I decided I would use my power for good. Even if I can't reunite with my family, I'm going to try my best to reunite other people with theirs. Or, at least I wanted to. No one seems to appreciate it." You stare at the ground and bite your cheek as you finish up on your weeding.

You can see him shuffle around from your peripheral vision, but he doesn't touch you, and he doesn't speak. He picks up the basket and disposes the weeds inside for you. "I'm...sorry that your parents...that you couldn't get in touch with them."

"Don't be," you forcibly smile at him, "it wasn't your fault or anything so you don't have to apologize."

You head inside and take the stairs to the potion room. Not only does it store all the ingredients for necromancer potions, it also has all the magic books and was also used as the kitchen, since it was the only place in the house with a stove. It was your room temporarily, but you had your own room made and added to the back a year after living with Gardi. "Where is your friend?" Said old man smiles at you.

"He's outside." You respond quickly, rummaging through the book cupboard. "He's gonna watch me practice magic."

Gardi sighs, "you know, you don't have to do that so soon. Go outside and to the village, my back is killing me today, and I know I promised you I'd go out today, but I can't."

Disappointed, you try not to show it and instead you nod, "okay. I'll see if the apothecary has anything to help you out." You leave your book on the table in the main room before heading outside.

Morro is quick to greet you, as you catch him staring through the window to your bedroom. "Oh, you're out early. I didn't even get to see anything." He almost sounds like he's pouting.

"I was sent to the village." You reply sadly. You didn't want to go, but you didn't quite have a choice. "But, you're here. Maybe you'll give me confidence."

He scoffs, "you don't need confidence, I'll just do ghostly stuff, haunt people. That should get them off your back."

"No!" You protest. "I already told you, I can't do anything like that, or I'll just get them even more mad at me." You grab his hands in yours, staring into his eyes. "Promise me, you won't do anything to provoke the villagers."

He glances away briefly before looking back into your eyes. "I promise, but I won't be happy about it."

You sigh in relief. "Thank you, Morro. It means a lot to me."

He's blushing again, and pulls his hands from yours. "Yeah, of course."

On the walk there, he keeps asking you about necromancy, and your past, and what your life is like. It flusters you, as no one has ever been this interested about you, and asked you so many questions about your life. Even Gardi, who never really asked you anything except for where you came from. You knew it was because he didn't want to come off as nosy, but you wished he did sometimes, because to you it was a sign that he cared about you. After being abandoned by your family, and torn apart by angry or scared people, you found it hard to trust people. So why did Morro make you feel different? Was it because he was dead and couldn't hurt you? Was it because Gardi called him your guardian? Well, not exactly. He just said that any ghost who follows you wants to keep you safe. You knew of those types of ghosts, but they don't typically stick around long; just until they find a loved one.

"Do you get any perks from necromancy?" Morro asks, practicing a little floating as he keeps a hand on your shoulder to hold himself steady.

You think about it for a bit. "Well, yeah, I can communicate with dead people, and supposedly my loved ones, but you saw how that turned out." You huff. "Gardi also once mentioned that when you become a True Necromancer, you become essentially immortal. I don't know how to become one yet, or what he means by 'essentially', but I do know that he's, like, 200 years old."

Morro snorts, "that's nothing. Sensei Wu was at least 800 years old, maybe even a whole century."

"Uh, a century is 100 years. Did you go to school? Wait, of course you didn't; uh, did Wu teach you anything?"

"Actually," he thinks on it, "mostly just fighting, cleaning, and a bit of cooking. I guess it's the essential stuff."

"True." You shrug. "I had to learn a lot of basic things, like reading and writing before I could learn any type of necromancy. It involves a lot of memorization and writing to become a True Necromancer. I still don't know how to write some of the longer words."

"You know, you could just become a scholar. People wouldn't mock you or belittle or harass you for that."

"I do know." You frown with a sad sigh. "It's just that this is so much more interesting. Would we have ever met if I wasn't a necromancer?"

He rubs the back of his head shyly. "I...guess not. It's better you than anyone else, I guess."

You continue talking together; about favorite colors, foods, and your cultures and dreams for the future, before you arrive at the village. Morro, who was smiling earlier, now steeled his gaze and kept a look out for any threats. He floated around you like some sort of guard dog, which was both endearing and strange for you. "Just, act natural, or something."

"You act natural, these idiots can see you, not me." He crosses his arms and glares at everyone. His protectiveness over you made you suddenly feel warm and fluttery; a hard to describe feeling that wasn't quite love, but it was almost more than friendship.

"Sorry."

He knew you were trying to hide it from him, but it was obvious that you were feeling skittish, and ready to run. He comes close to you and drapes his arms over your shoulders, loosely hanging off you so you could tug him along, but mostly as a way to provide comfort. He didn't like how close he got to you so quickly, but it was just so easy to do so when you were so kind to him, and listened to him. Not only that; you were someone he could relate to. If he was still alive, he probably would've fallen in love and married you. Okay, maybe that was a stretch, but he'd never made a friend before, and as far as he knew, all friends fell in love. Right?

The first villager you saw passed by with a scowl, and although your hands were full, you laid your head against Morro's arm, trying to get any type of reassurance from him. On the outside, it probably looked like you were flinching away from the stranger's gaze. Morro glared at the man, but put his hand on your cheek and whispered to you to keep going. "Ignore this idiot, just go get the milk and meat."

You nodded slowly, and kept walking, head low. Your ghostly guardian steered you around so you wouldn't bump into anyone by accident as you stared at the ground. You were doing much better than yesterday.

Unfortunately, your luck didn't last. The woman who gave you milk knew you were Gardi's student, and gave you what you needed, but she didn't talk to you, and she wanted you to be as fast as possible when fetching it because she didn't want anyone to think you were friends. It would lower her reputation. You paid her and headed outside.

"(Y/N)!" No one could hear him but you, as Morro yanked you out of someone's way just in time. However, you just so happened to lose your balance, tripping over a loose stone in the pathway and spilling your bucket of milk all over some tall, buff looking man.

Everything around you stopped at once. Your jaw ached as you landed on it harshly, and your chin was split and bleeding. Your forearms were scraped up as well, and you would definitely need some healing after this.

Whispers erupted from the crowd, all critical of you and your actions, while the man in front of you clenched his fists and stared down at you in pure rage. "Get up." He demands. You sniffle and struggle to get back on your feet, much less your knees. Kicking your arms out from under you, he yells at you again, "get up!"

Despite the pain, you stand up as quick as you can, feeling woozy from getting up too fast. He grabs you by your collar. "Do you know how much these pants and shoes cost me? Do you?!" He roars, shaking you around.

You shake your head, trembling. Morro is nowhere to be seen. You really did believe in him, but you supposed since his only reaction to violence was more violence, he would just have to sit this one out. "I-I don't kn - I didn't mean to, I'm - I'm sorry-"

He throws you to the ground. "'Sorry' won't fix this! 'I didn't mean to' won't clean the milk from my clothes! By the looks of it, my shoes cost more than you'll ever see in your entire life, you miserable little shit!" He picks you up again, but this time by the back of your cloak. "Let's see what you're hiding, huh?" He nearly rips it off your body, trying to pull the hood off. He scowls in disgust, and smacks you hard across the face with the back of his hand. "You're that zombie freak! Figures someone as pathetic as you would do something like this."

You land hard on your side, dislocating your shoulder and giving yourself a nose bleed. You can't even speak nor cry; you're so horrified, and you worry for your life, so you keep quiet and accept the punishment.

"What; are you crying?!" He laughs, "don't tell me monsters like you have feelings?" He kicks you hard. He turns to the villagers who gathered in the area. Obviously a crowd-pleaser, he addresses them, "this is the witch-thing we're so scared of? Look at it!" He shows you off like you're some sort of wild animal he caged. "This pathetic nuisance we call evil and believe put curses on us is nothing more than a scared little brat with no friends and no reason to live! It doesn't belong in our village!"

You're okay with this, it's fine. It's fine, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. It suddenly becomes very not okay when he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a sharp knife. "I think we've all been waiting for a day like this, huh folks! We've been letting it torment us for too long! Today, we turn the tables on them!"

"No, no!" You plead, scrambling backwards on your hands and knees. "I didn't mean it, I didn't mean anything," you begin to sob, "honest, I've never hurt anything in my life!"

"Look at you, dirty swine, begging like the scum you are!" He raises his knife, ready to stick it into some part of you. You didn't really want to know where, so you close your eyes and brace for impact.

It doesn't come, as there's a strong gust of wind, and a grunt from above you. "Now, is that any way to treat someone?" In front of you stands your savior, a tall, thin man dressed in green with pure black hair. He looks back to you, and you'd recognize those green eyes anywhere. "Are you alright?"

"What the...what are you?" The guy who was literally about to murder you is suddenly frightened by Morro's appearance.

"Haven't you heard of the elemental masters? I am the master of the wind." He explains. "Morro, is my name."

"Morro...you're that strong student that Wu trained!" The guy falls to his knees, "what is it that you need?"

You and he both know it's wrong to use his elemental mastership in such a way that other people meet your every demand, but in a case like this where you refused to choose violence, there truly was no other choice. He holds his hand out to you and you take it gently, letting him help you stand. "I happened to pass into town and went to see what the commotion is, when I see a big, strong man like you harassing a - say, how old are you?"

"17, almost 18." You timidly mention, still not letting go of his hand. He doesn't seem to either notice or care, and you can't tell which one it is.

" - a child?" He tsks at him, "Harassing a child. And for what? Your own sick amusement?" The person Morro is puppeting looks hardly like him, but more like someone who holds strong intellectual power and even wealth. Someone a lot of people know not to mess with.

"I, no, Master of Wind." He is practically begging on his knees. "This person is a necromancer, able to bring back the dead at their very whim and put them all under their command, as well as curse the living. If we make them feel powerless, they won't feel strong enough to overpower us and hurt us."

"So, your logic is to hurt them, so they don't hurt you? How do you know they even wanted to hurt you in the first place?" Morro then addresses the shameful crowd, "to hurt any of you?!" The silence is deafening and the air is dense with guilt. "And they are not even an adult." He emphasizes, just to make everything the villagers had done to you truly sink in.

He turns to you. "Why did you become a necromancer?"

The question is simple, but you can't find the answer. Everyone is staring at you, and you're too used to their gazes being scrutinizing to be brave right now. "I...I w-wanted..."

"This is your chance, (Y/N). Tell them about your mission." Morro whispers to you.

You take a deep breath. "Being a necromancer is...it's more than raising the dead. It's about understanding the living. It's knowing that even the smallest insect can feel, and that even the plants have souls. My first reason for being a necromancer was selfish, I wanted to see my dead parents. I was unable to find them, but I realized that I didn't have to learn it for myself, I could use my power for good, and reunite other people with their loved ones; even just for a brief amount of time to say a goodbye, or to relieve a guilt or burden."

Everyone is whispering, but no one is scared, and no one is mad. The atmosphere is full of sorrow and remorse.

You continue. "I only come here when I need to get food, or medicine for my master, but every day it gets harder and harder to leave my home, because I'm scared to come here. I...I almost lost my life today because everyone is scared of me, and angry at me, for something I never wanted to do."

Morro listened to your speech, proud of you. Things would be awkward for at least a week, but you weren't going to die by angry mobs any time soon, and you were certainly going to be able to bring groceries back in one piece. You were right, violence wasn't the answer all the time. Both of you just needed a little push.

Once you were done, you left the crowd to their thoughts, and headed back to get more milk. Morro followed you around the rest of the day, and even carried everything for you. "You're hurt."

You sigh. "I know. And I'm tired already. All we have left is the apothecary, then we can go home." You order a little bit of pain medicine for yourself, and your guardian brings it home for you. "Where did you even find a body like that?"

"Well, I remembered what you taught me, about wind being that flowy element, or whatever. So I used strong gusts of wind to help me run faster from a more prestigious part of the village. I figured a wealthy-looking guy would have more influence over the commoners than like some other person." He catches you frowning. "What? I'm going to put his body back! It's uncomfortable to wear, anyway. I'm not this tall and it's stretching my body out."

It's quiet for a bit between you, and the more you think about what he did for you, the warmer you feel. "Thank...thank you for helping me out there. I don't know what I would've done without you." You glance into his eyes, shiny and green as ever. "Is there...anything I can do for you in return? You're a new ghost, so that means I can revive you and you can continue living, if you want."

"I..." he thinks it over, his eyes wet like he was going to cry. "It's a really nice offer, and part of me wants to take it, but if I do then that means I can't be your guardian anymore. When I died, it was because I was trying so stupidly to become the Green Ninja. But you helped me, and opened my eyes. I'm afraid that if I go back, I'll forget everything; forget you."

You sigh sadly. "Yeah, you would forget. Your soul is a different thing than your body, so everything that happened would be like those faint memories you just can't reach anymore. You might remember my face, but you won't remember my name; or you'll remember hearing me cry, but you won't remember where."

He sniffs and puts the pails down so he can wipe his eyes. Or at least his possessed body's eyes. "I don't want to forget you. I...I'm giving up my life to remain your guardian. You're my best friend."

You smile and kiss his cheek, "thank you, Morro. You're my best friend, too."

#idk if witch is *truly* a neutral term for magic user; but that's how I use it #also I picked Gardi as a name for a special reason #ALSO also; I KNOW this isn't an 'x morro' but like...it's implied later in life they discover they're crushing on each other #I'm NOT proof reading this; it's way too long for me to go through and I want people to see this now!!!#ninjago #ninjago morro #morro and reader #morro x reader #blood #injury #death mention #does this count???#swearing #oneshot

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prettyporcelain · 3 years

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YEA SO IM ANFRY ASF I LITERALLY PROMISED MYSELF TO CONTROL EVERYTHING AND NOW IM NOT COUNTING CALORIES UNTIL SUNDAY AHG.

Ok so I'm going to vent a little about how am I feeling and what am I going to do because I'm about to literally freak out.

Okay so yesterday and today I've been eating a lot and not counting/not counting properly cuz I had two exams and I was literally so stressed. I think that probably most of my intake that was an excess came from emotional eating, representing my stress and my anxiety. Anyways so tomorrow I'm going to have lunch with my grandma in a restaurant which I don't have the menu and I don't know if have lowcal options, so I don't want to calculate anything wrong for that day, and that means that I'm probably will not count tomorrow and will not count on Sunday because it's mother's Day, and I'm going to eat with my family and I don't wanna get more stressed than I am rn, and i don't wanna to get overwhelmed.

These days I've been selecting my limit by myself but I think that if I really want to get back on track it's the moment of starting a new diet, and I have to choose which one I want to do, because I'm on my last semester of my school year (I'm a junior in my country lol) and I don't want to fail everything... So, I'm going to do something that isn't too low calorie but also isn't like too high, and I'm going to stick on it and try not to binge or not to break it. And well, I'll see... I'll have this little break because I really been having a shit time every day. Also i'm going to start getting back on track principally because I gained weight and that's my motivation, bc that makes me feel awful; and I'm fucking pissed off because I had to eat but ik that in these 3 days my intake is not going to be more than 1800 calories approximately so I probably will not gain weight or, I'll gain idk... 2lbs maybe (? The only thing I learned is that when I overeat I get bloated, and mostly it's bc of water weight. Mayyybe if I do a fast on Monday or start this new diet, on the next week all of that water weight should be gone. I just have to be patient.

Anyways this is how I'm feeling right now. I don't know how to describe it perfectly, I just know that I'm uncomfortable but I don't want to get more stressed. I'm just going to take a deep breath knowing that I'm going to eat a little more but that's not going to affect me because I've been eating in a deficit as we all are, and then I'll get back on track. it's only 3 days but....shit, it makes me feel that I'm failing my ED. I know I'm not, but every time I feel fat and I feel that I don't have any control because I ate and sometimes I don't count, and I just feel invalid all the time. It's really awful. I know that I have an eating disorder, I just can't accept it. Literally I can't stand the fact that I'm going to spend these 3 days like this and that the name of the illness that I have its anorexia. Like my brain goes like "how the fuck you are an anorexic if you're eating all of this shit you fat pig"

I just can't feel better. I feel shame. Guilt. I just want that Monday finally arrive because I wanna start this new diet to get back on track. I'm tired of feeling fat and heavy and invalid. I'm tired of eating 1300 calories or 1000 calories. I just really miss when I ate like 500 calories maximum. But well that's a small detail.

Now I just have to concentrate on why am I going to do on Monday and pretend that this weekend it's not going to exist. And I have to remember that if I gain weight it's probably water weight.

Okay if you read all of this thank you ily

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robert-de-niro-only-fans · 3 years

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Just Friends

The Deer Hunter!Robert De Niro x Reader

I’m so sorry this took so long. Hope you like pining!

TW: age gap, mention of illness, idk high word count?

Word Count: 8.8k

"Why don't you let (Y/N) come with me? It would be a great opportunity for her to see what's it's like to film in some open locations instead of the sets here in New York. Plus she'll get to meet a great cast of actors, you know how hard we had to push to get John Cazale in the movie. She could learn so much from him." "I don't know, Robert. All the arrangements have been made for the crew's travel and lodging; I wouldn't want to make production any more difficult just so my daughter can watch you guys make a movie." "Ah, it shouldn't be a big deal. It's not too hard to buy an extra plane ticket, and she can just crash with me. Plus we could probably use the extra hands on set at some point." You can't help but feel completely giddy as you overhear Robert urging your father to let you go with him as he films his next movie. You're the daughter of a New York-based movie producer, who had gotten somewhat popular and had enough connections to know some really great actors and actresses. Your dad met Robert De Niro when he was acting in Brian De Palma's early films, and they had been planning on working together for a long time. However, Robert and your dad both stayed busy, and now Robert is a pretty big star since Taxi Driver released just last year. You got to know Robert when you were just a teenager. He would come over to your home for small get-togethers your dad liked to throw. You always liked being around him, so it was lucky for you that your dad and him became good friends. Robert is good about visiting when he has the chance to, but his visits have been less frequent lately as his career is really taking off. And that's what he was doing here today: a quick visit with you and your dad before he has to run off and make another film. The conversation turned, however, when you started discussing how you were becoming interested in working on films, particularly acting. Although most actors started younger than you, and being in your early twenties is already considered old for an actress, you decided it wasn't too late to start. Robert had a soft spot for learning and teaching acting, although his teaching came as little tidbits of advice. That's why you are shocked to hear Robert ask about you going with him for filming, while you're in the kitchen fixing everyone drinks. You walk in, carrying three glasses on a small tray and set them down on the table, then handing each of the men a glass. They both thank you as you take your seat across from them. "Sooo..." you raise your eyebrows and give your dad a hopeful smile. "Yes, (Y/N)?" "Can I go with Robert? I overheard what you two were saying." Your dad sits back and exhales a little loudly. He was trying to be stern but you could tell he was hiding a smile. He could never be an actor; he couldn't hide his real feelings very well. He turns to Robert asking, "Are you sure it's okay if she goes with you?" "Of course. I'll take good care of her," he says sweetly. You always thought he was very sweet. "Okay, sweetheart, you can go, not that I could stop you anyway, but I appreciate that you ask," your father says as a smile spreads across his face. "Dad!! Thank you so much!" He was right; you were an adult, but you had always lived with him, so you felt you needed to ask before going across the country. You jump up and give your dad a big hug. "You better start packing," Robert says with a chuckle, "we leave for Ohio tomorrow." "What kind of clothes should I bring?" you ask Robert. "What you would normally wear. Bring a few nice outfits for dinners. And we'll stop back in New York before going to Washington, because it'll be pretty cold and we'll all need warmer clothes." The smile on his face tells you he's excited about you going with him. You ask sit and talk a little longer, with Robert telling you and your dad about the general schedule about how you'll spend a several weeks in Ohio where most of the film takes place, a few days here and there in Pennsylvania and West Virginia, take a break for a few weeks, then go to Washington State for all of the hunting scenes. After that, a smaller portion of the cast and crew will go to Thailand to film the war scenes. This is also when you find out that the beard he is sporting is for the movie and not just some new fashion choice. You quite like the beard as well as his haircut, it suits him unexpectedly well. As it starts getting late, you make the move to go up to your room to pack. So you say goodnight to Robert and your dad, giving them both big hugs as a thank you for letting you go for filming, and you head upstairs to squeeze all of your clothes and toiletries into a suitcase. Downstairs, Robert stays to talk with your dad a little while longer before heading home. "Now, Robert, you said (Y/N) would be staying with you, right?" "Yes. Is that okay?" "Well..." your dad starts but he certainly doesn't want to offend Robert, "you won't, umm, do anything... with her, will you?" "Hmm? Oh. Oh! Um, no, I won't do anything like that with her. I hadn't even thought about it. I just uuhh- I just thought it would be better if she stayed with me instead sticking her in a random hotel room away from the rest of us... Most of the hotel rooms have two beds anyways." Robert tries desperately to get rid of the blush that came to his cheeks as he stumbles through what he's saying. He had never thought of you that way before, and it caught him off guard and kind of gave him butterflies in his stomach. "Yeah, you're probably right about her staying with you. She's probably safer with you than taking her chances somewhere else," your dad says with look of relief. "Yeah, well, I'm sorry I brought up the idea so last minute, but she'll be okay with me." "No, it's okay. It's a good opportunity for her. I think you guys will have a great time! Now, how do you think Michael is gonna film this thing?" Your dad and Robert discuss the production and direction of the movie for a short while before Robert really has to leave to go home and sleep. When you hear that he's about to leave, you quickly make your way down the stairs to tell him goodnight and thank him again for taking you with him. He pulls you into a gentle hug, placing one of his hands on the back of your head. "You're very welcome, (Y/N). Now, I'll be here at 7 in the morning to pick you up; I wanna take you to breakfast before we head to the airport. That'll also give us some time for someone to get on the phone and get you a plane ticket!" You had no doubt Robert would be able to get you on the plane. And with that, he left, and you went upstairs to pack the last few things you would need before trying to get some sleep, although that didn't come so easy due to the excitement you're feeling. • • • The next day goes just the way Robert said it would: he picks you up right at 7, loads your bags in the car, and takes you to breakfast at his favorite place. It's an upscale place but in a subdued way. You enjoy each other's company over biscuits, eggs, pancakes, coffee, bacon, whatever your heart desires as Robert put it. On the way to the airport, he admits that he got your plane ticket sorted out before he arrived for breakfast, and there was a seat in first class with the rest of the cast. Right next to him. But it's really no issue. He swears he didn't have to buy someone out of their seat. After checking your bags and boarding the plane, Robert introduces everyone to you: Christopher Walken, Meryl Streep, her husband John Cazale, George Dzundza, and John Savage, who everyone opted to call Savage. Meryl and John immediately took a liking to you, which you were honored. The flight was pretty packed, so the cast was all split up across first class, so everyone agreed that you should have dinner tonight to celebrate the beginning of filming. During takeoff you feel Robert put his hand on top of yours, and you quickly turn your head to face him. "You comfortable?" He asks softly. "Oh... Yeah, are you?" "Yep." You look down at his hand on yours. He strokes his thumb over your hand for a moment before pulling it away and looking out the window. You'd be lying if you said that didn't make you feel something. • • • The rest of your flight is uneventful, aside from a few people asking for autographs from the cast as you're leaving the airport. Outside, you are all met with a giant black van, and the director of the movie, Michael Cimino hops out to greet everyone and help put bags in the undercarriage. Everyone climbs inside the van, you sticking close to Robert, simply because you don't know anyone else yet. It's very comfortable and spacious inside, certainly the nicest van you'd ever seen. You and Robert end up all the way in the back, with everyone else doubling up on the seats in front of you. You've got a little bit of a drive to your hotel. Only a few minutes into your trip, everyone is chatting away, and you're finally getting to meet everyone properly, although you're getting to know Meryl and John the best because they're on the seat right in front of you. You instantly notice that John has a fantastic sense of humor; it's no wonder Meryl is so in love with him. Robert has his arm around your shoulders, but you can't tell if it's because he just wants to stretch out across the seat or if it's something else. Either way, he's only there like that for a few moments before he goes to the front of the van to talk to the director. "Guess I got stranded back here," you say with a chuckle to Meryl and John. "Oh, yeah, he's been so involved with Michael in getting this film made," Meryl throws over her shoulder to you. She turns on her seat to face you a little better, "Can I ask you a rather personal question?" "Oh, um, sure." You were certainly nervous to hear what she had to say. "Are you and Robert dating one another?" A breath of relief leaves you in the form of a small laugh, "Oh God, no! He's a friend of my dad's, so we've known each other a long time. He wanted to bring me along so I could learn more about filmmaking." "Oh, that's sweet of him. I apologize for assuming. I guess it's just, uh--oh nevermind," she gives a small smile and looks down at her lap. "No, it's okay! What is it?" "You two are just close, which I suppose that makes sense if you've been friends for so long! I just misinterpreted your relationship." A big smile stretches across her face as John chimes in. "Well if she didn't ask, I was going to, so it's probably good we cleared the air now, right?" "Right!" you respond. "Besides, I'm sure the other guys will all badger him about you, whether it's about him being a cradle robber or them trying to get with you." The three of you laugh, knowing that what John said is probably going to be true. "What are y'all laughing about back there?" Savage pipes up, breaking his attention away from the conversation going on between him, Chris, and George. "My receding hairline." John deadpans to the group in front of them. There's a long pause before everyone busts out in laughter, which then catches the attention of Michael and Robert at the front of the van. They both turn around to see what's going on, and Robert gives you a smile, scrunching his nose cutely. They decide not to get involved, and go back to their conversation. The rest of you talk in a big group the rest of the way to the hotel. • • • At the hotel, production rented out a whole floor for all of the cast and crew to stay on, with the cast kind of grouped near each other on one end. As for this first hotel you'll be at, and it is the main hotel you'll stay at while in Ohio, there are two beds in each room. A lot of the film crew picked partners and doubled up, but of course the director, executive producers, and main cast get their own rooms, with the exception of Meryl and John, and now Robert because he offered to have you with him. When you get in the hotel room, you drop your bags at the door and run to one of the beds, flopping on it and sinking into the comfort. Robert chuckles at you as you grab a pillow to cuddle up with. He drops your bags at the foot of the bed before asking, "I'm assuming you want this bed?" You look up at him lazily, "I don't really care. Do you have a preference?" "Not really; I'll take the other bed," he laughs at you again as he drops his bags near the other bed. "What are you laughing at?" You squint your eyes, questioning him playfully, still hugging your pillow. "You. And your pillow." "Mmmm... I think you're just jealous." "Jealous?! My bed has pillows too. See?" He picks up a pillow and hugs it just like you. "No no no. You're jealous of the pillow. You wish I was squeezing you like this!" "Oh you think so, huh?" He throws his pillow at you. You block it with your arms and it hits the ground. "I'm keeping that," you say sassily. "Fine with me," he says, too calmly. That's quickly broken when he charges towards you, ripping the pillow out of your arms as you burst into laughter. He picks you up around your waist, spins you around a few times and slams you both down on his bed, his arms still firmly around you. "Now I don't have to be jealous," he jokes. You wrap your arms around his head and neck, hugging him into your chest, just like you had done with the pillow. "No, you don't have to be jealous anymore." He gives you one final squeeze and then stands up. "We have a little while before we have to get ready for dinner. Any idea what you wanna do?" You groan a little, "Sleep." You smile up at him. "Well then you better get in your bed instead of hogging mine." "Excuse me! You put me here, so you'll have to move me back!" "Needy," he grumbles jokingly, picking you up and tossing you down on your bed. "You ever heard of letting someone down easy, Robert? Cuz you keep throwing me." He chuckles lowly, moving towards his luggage, "Go to sleep." You grab the extra pillow from the floor and get comfy. One pillow under your head, cuddled up to a second one, a third under one of your legs, and the duvet pulled up to your head. Pure bliss. "You look like a little princess with all those pillows," Robert's voice echoes across the hotel room. "Good. Then let me get me beauty sleep." While he's unpacking some of his clothes and stuff, he finds himself thinking about how you really don't need sleep to look any more beautiful than you already are. • • • That night at dinner, it didn't take long for John's predictions to come true. Just a few minutes after ordering food, Chris caught everyone's attention when he asked, "Bobby, you and this gorgeous young lady... What's going on with you two?" "Whaddaya mean, what's going on with us?" Robert repeats with a laugh. "Well, she's your girlfriend isn't she? I gotta say I'm a little jealous Bobby gets to bring his girlfriend, but I don't get to bring my lovely wife." "Chris, we're not dating. She's just a friend; I've known her dad for a long time." Savage butts in, practically yelling, "Of course she wouldn't date him! He's old enough to be her dad! Unless you're into that kinda stuff, baby." You turn to John and you both start laughing about how Savage managed, not only to joke about Robert being significantly older than you, but also use it to hit on you. "This again? What's so funny?!" John yells. "You had to be there," you cut back to Savage, trying not to smile, but failing. Robert cuts in, "Ya know, I just wanna say: I'm not old enough to be her dad." It kind of surprised you that he would even bother defending himself; it was clearly just a joke, but everyone laughed nonetheless. "You're only, like, 15 years older than her right?" George jokes. A little bit of a blush creeps up Robert's neck, and he bites his lip, "...yeah." This only makes everyone laugh more. Under the table, you place your hand on top of Robert's and you both give each other a small look while laughing. It's a short moment, broken by Michael walking up to the table. Everyone knew he would be late, but you still invited him anyway. Michael slides in next to Robert and asks, "What's so funny?" "Eh, you don't wanna know," Robert shoots back. You and John are trying very hard not to have another laughing fit. Luckily things are fairly calm while everyone is eating, but it doesn't last long after everyone is done. You catch John whispering in Meryl's ear before he turns to the table and says, "Alright, let Meryl and I slide out, my lady wants to dance." Pretty much everyone stands up to let them out of the booth, and Chris, noticing that Robert is once again deep in conversation with Michael, invites you to dance to "keep those other dogs off of you." George and Savage sneak off to find some nice Ohio locals to dance with. Robert and Michael slide back into the booth, chatting like they do. Meryl and John are being beyond cute dancing with one another and nuzzling noses. Chris is a real gentleman while dancing with you. He holds you close, and you maintain some casual conversation getting to know each other better. George finds sweet girl to try and romance, but Savage is having some trouble, so he simply steals you away from Chris, asking if he could dance with you instead. Chris thanks you for your time and returns to the table joining in the talk with Michael and Robert. Dancing with Savage is a little bit intense, as he lays it on thick hitting on you. At one point, he leans his head down and starts placing kisses on your cheek and even a few on your neck. This is when you catch Robert basically staring a hole in you. He stands up and makes his way over to you and Savage. Robert places a hand on Savage's shoulder, lowly speaking, "You mind if I borrow your dance partner?" "Mm... But we were having fun," Savage whines sarcastically, but gives in and leaves you with Robert. "What, you didn't like him kissing on me? I knew you were the jealous type," you snark at him. "Nooo. I told your dad I would take care of you, and a guy like him is no good for a girl your age." He wraps an arm around you, figuring that he should probably dance with you. "My knight in shining armor!" Another joke. "Oh shut up," he chuckles. • • • The next day, you all wake up bright and early to head to the tailors on location so that everyone can get their makeup done and costumes on. You had to admit Robert looked pretty funny in his flannel, puffy vest, and trucker cap. It was nothing like what he would normally wear. The first few scenes that are gonna be filmed during this first week are the first few scenes of the film, where all of the characters are seen at the steel mill and they prepare for the wedding and being drafted. The dynamic of the cast actually worked pretty well for these scenes. Everyone got along quite well, so it wasn't hard for them to act like they had been friends their whole lives. You noticed that filming goes a bit slower when it's shot on location like this, and it was made even slower by Michael Cimino. Michael was very particular about the way he wanted things, and there were lots of noises to work around as they filmed at an actual steel mill. You also spent more time in the makeup trailor than you had expected to; you found it fascinating how they made the men look like they weren't wearing any makeup at all. You and Meryl also spent a good amount of time together when she wasn't in a scene. She said that it was nice having another girl around on a predominantly male set. Of course, you weren't the only girl, but you were one of few. There isn't really a scene that Robert isn't in, so unfortunately, you don't see him much unless everyone is taking a break, or if you hang out with him while he's in makeup. But you make the most of it by getting to know everyone else. • • •

On nights after filming, the cast hangs out really often, normally in someone's hotel room, usually Meryl and John's. Sometimes you would go to a bar or a restaurant, as drinking and dancing became some of the groups' favorite activities. Hanging out in Meryl and John's hotel room usually includes wine, snacks, playing cards, and Robert's arm casually around your waist whenever you get near him. Savage still shoots his shot with you every once in a while, but if he isn't shut down by you, he will be shut down by Robert. He's just watching out for you like he promised your dad; really, it's flattering how protective he can be. • • • The second week of filming is dedicated to filming the wedding scenes. Everyone looks great in their tuxedos and dresses, and the church you'll be filming in is a beautiful Russian Orthodox Church here in Cleveland. "How do I look?" Robert asks you while he's getting his hair gelled and combed into place. "Very handsome. I really like you in that tuxedo." "Maybe he can borrow it when you two finally get married," Michael says coming into the makeup trailor. You and Robert both look at him a little shocked; Michael's never made jokes about you two before. "Oh, c'mon, I'm not allowed to make jokes too?" You both laugh a little awkwardly trying to cut any tension in the room. "I'm gonna go outside and help with all the extras," you say, swiftly leaving the makeup trailor. Outside, there are like a hundred people who showed up to be extras in the wedding scene, and you're sure Michael will probably use most of them. The people are all dressed up in their finest wedding attire, some of them getting a little makeup done or getting some items from costume to make the scene fit Michael's vision. They were told to bring empty presents as well, so that the table full of wedding presents would look realistic; however, many of them actually brought real presents for the cast and crew to keep. Filming the wedding scene was really chaotic to say the least. It felt like a party that went on for way too long, and most everyone was pretty exhausted by the end of filming with the extras that day. But you had to say, Meryl and Robert really stole the show. Their on-screen chemistry was astounding; you would've thought they were really in love or something! You loved watching the way Robert's character pined for Meryl's; his eyes always said so much. And of course, filming wouldn't have felt complete without John adding in his funny little quirks in various scenes, such as tapping his foot while waiting for the bride to walk down the aisle, and carrying Robert across the room for the group photo. Althought most of the filming with the extras had to be done in one day, the other scenes filmed that week included a couple of the bar scenes of the guys playing pool and drinking, and the scene where Robert streaks through town, which certainly had you blushing. Thank God you were filming at night. • • • Your last two weeks of filming in Ohio are spent filming anything that wasn't a hunting scene or a war scene. Production had to make a point of scheduling all of John's scenes early in the filming process, because it is no secret how sick he is. One night after filming, you all decide it would be fun to go out to one of the bars, as everyone had been pretty busy, and there hadn't been much time to. Everyone wants to go dancing again! You've had a hard time getting Robert to dance with you since your first night in Ohio. He really doesn't like to since he's so shy, even though he's very good at slow dances. That night, you dance with Chris again, and Meryl dances with Savage, while Robert hangs back at the table with John. John really isn't feeling well; it's one of his bad days, but he never lets it ruin the mood. Savage and Meryl makes their way over to you on the dance floor, and Savage asks, "Hey, can I cut in? I'd love to have a dance partner that pretty!" "Uh, sure, man," Chris answers. Savage practically shoves himself between you and Chris, quickly taking Chris by the hand and putting an arm around him before spinning him around. "Beautiful!" Savage yells, dipping Chris back, getting a round of laughs and even some applause from everyone around. You and Meryl take this as a chance to slip over to the bar, to get a break from your heels. You sit with your backs leaning up against the bar so you can keep an eye on all your friends. "Have you had fun filming with us all this time?" Meryl asks kindly, as she always does. "Oh yeah, it's been really great, and I've been learning so much about the filming process, and you're all wonderful actors to look up to!" "That's so sweet of you. The guys here have all done a wonderful job with their parts so far. Especially Robert. He's been in nearly every scene, and he's so involved with Michael and production. I don't know where he gets his energy!" "Yeah, he stays busy. I sleep in the same room as him and sometimes it seems like I don't even see him," you giggle. "Oh, but when he does get to be around you, it certainly seems you have his attention," Meryl points out, "I know you've said you two are just close, but I really think he likes you." "You think he likes me? Why do you think he likes me?" "Well, he's quite watchful of you, making sure you never get into trouble, especially around Savage. He always has an arm around you when we're hanging out at the hotel. And the way he looks at you. He looks at you... Well, he looks at you the way he looks at me when we're filming." You both look over at Robert and John. John smiles at Meryl and gives her a funny little wink. Robert turns to look when he realizes John isn't looking at him anymore, raising his eyebrows when he sees you and Meryl staring back at him. Him and John turn back to their conversation, shaking off whatever trouble you and Meryl are getting into. "You know the tension between you two is almost unbearable, right?" John says in a casual tone, knowing that this question is anything but casual. "I'm sorry, what?" Robert sputters. "You and (Y/N). It's so obvious to everyone that you have feelings for one another. Well, obvious to everyone but you and her, apparently." He gives Robert a side eye and raised eyebrows. "I mean... I care about (Y/N), but I- I don't have feelings for her. Her dad would kill me." "You don't have feelings for her, or you feel like you shouldn't have feelings for her?" There's a long silence between them. Robert looks up at John in a way that lets John know he's right. "Take it from me, Bobby. Life's too short." With that, Robert stands up, and walks over to you and Meryl, still at the bar. "Excuse me," he starts, always a gentleman, "Meryl, would you mind if I borrowed (Y/N) from you?" "Oh! No, go ahead," she says with a small laugh. "(Y/N)," there's a bit of a nervous tone in his voice, "would you like to dance with me? I know I've been avoiding it for weeks now." "I'd love to," you smile at him. He puts his hands on your hips, lifting you off of the tall bar stool and helping you to the ground. On the dancefloor, he pulls you into his chest with an arm around your waist and a hand tangled in the back of your hair. Your hands rest on his hips, and you slowly sway back and forth together, even when the song playing wasn't slow. It wasn't really proper slow dancing, but you weren't going to complain; you both enjoyed the closeness. That night at the hotel, you decide to watch a movie together before going to bed; you didn't have to be up super early for once. So you both hop into your pajamas, and Robert finds something on the TV and pats the spot on the bed next to him. "I have my own bed, you know?" you joke. "I know, but it's no fun watching a movie that far apart. Would you sit on a different couch if we were in a living room?" "I guess you have a point." You climb onto his bed, and he puts his arm around your shoulders, watching the movie which was already started, but it is close enough to the beginning. Part of the way through the movie, Robert's eyes linger down to your hand resting on your lap, although you don't notice this. In fact, you're quite sleepy. You feel his fingers gently grace over the back of your hand, and you react by turning your hand over for him. He softly traces little shapes into the palm of your hand, and he teases at your finger tips like he wants to lace his fingers with yours. You decide to bite the bullet and go for it. The next time his fingertips grace yours, you slide your fingers in between his, holding his hand. You're both way to nervous to look at each other, so you both just go back to watching the movie while he strokes his thumb over yours. • • • The next morning, you wake up surrounded by the Robert's scent, which is always very nice, but no Robert nearby. You quickly realize that you're still in his bed; you must have fallen asleep during the movie last night. You sit up looking around for your roommate, and you find him in your bed, looking up at you as if he was waiting for you to find him. The sun spilling in through the window and across his face accentuated his dimples and the smile lines around his eyes. He, too, looked like a sunbeam as he grinned up at you. "Good morning, sleepy head. You fell asleep during our movie, and I didn't have the heart to move you, so I figured we could just trade beds for the night," he says lightly laughing. It seemed like he was in a very good mood this morning. "Oh, well thank you for giving me your bed all to myself. It probably would've been way too hot if you stayed over here." "Mmm, I knew you thought I was hot," he has a smug look on his face. "No! I meant like body temperature. You're probably like a human heater when you sleep!" you argue with him. "Well, wouldn't you like to know?" he jokes, getting up out of bed to get ready to go to set. "I don't ever wanna know!" you yell as he closes the bathroom door. Just a little while later, as everyone is heading out of the hotel to get in the big black van and go to the filming location, John looks at you and asks, "So what is it that you don't wanna know?" "Huh?" you reply to John. "We heard you yell at Robert 'I don't ever wanna know!' through the walls a little while ago." You had no idea the walls were that thin, and you wonder what else they had heard. Robert butts in, "Oh, that was just (Y/N) trying to deny that she thinks I'm hot and wants to sleep with me," with a devilish look on his face. "ROBERT!" you yell, hitting him on the shoulder. "That is totally taken out of context, and you know it!" Everyone is roaring with laughter, while you blush a deep shade of pink. Robert puts all of the jokes to rest by telling everyone what really happened, but conveniently leaving out the part about you two holding hands for a while last night. • • • The next few days are pretty normal, although bittersweet, as it is the last few days of filming in Ohio. The cast spends a lot of time hanging out in Meryl and John's hotel room, and everyone goes out to the bar to celebrate on the last night on location. You go back to New York with Robert and most of the cast the day after filming wraps in Ohio. You would have a break for a few weeks before flying out to Washington for filming the hunting scenes. Everyone says their goodbyes at the airport, with John throwing in one final joke, "Invite us to the wedding if you two decide to elope before Washington!" You and Robert were used to it at that point; it was an every day thing that someone made a joke about you two getting together, but it really didn't bother either of you too much. Hell, even you made jokes about yourselves sometimes. Of course, Robert makes sure to take you home himself, or have his driver take you both to your house. You were so excited to see your dad again! You had called him several times while you were gone, but that doesn't mean you didn't miss him. You and your dad share a long embrace as he invites Robert in for a drink before he goes home. Robert kindly accepts coming in to relax for a while. Immediately, your dad notices how much closer you and Robert are, but he figures that spending a month together will probably do that to any two people. He's just glad you've made some important connections in the film industry. The two men listened intently as you spoke cheerfully of all of your experiences and the things you learned during the first leg of filming, Robert adding in some bits here or there. You both decided to leave out the jokes everyone made about you two getting together, assuming it would be an awkward conversation to have. Robert doesn't stay as long as he normally would've, because he has to be up early in the morning to go meet with other producers and directors. He stays so busy; you know you won't see him again until it's time to film. When he goes to leave, Robert pulls you up into a big hug telling you how fun it's been having you around, and that he can't wait to take you to Washington. • • • A couple of weeks go by, and everything is as it was at home with your dad. Except now you miss Robert a lot of the time, because you had been so close. You missed all of the cast; you had all become such good friends. Either way, you tried to keep busy by going to work with your dad a lot and looking into new roles to audition for, although you found yourself more interested in other aspects of film production since going to Ohio. One night, your dad calls you downstairs, because there's a call for you on the home phone. Your dad tells you that it's Robert, and he's asking to talk to you. You weren't expecting to hear from him at all, so you can't help but worry that something is wrong, especially with John being sick. "Hello?" you say into the phone. "Hey, there," Robert's tone is unreadable. "You rang?" "Yeah, I did. Um... I know this is last minute, but I wanted to know if you would come over for dinner tomorrow? My schedule opened up tomorrow night, and I gotta admit I miss you more than I thought I would." "Oh..." you silently thank God your dad had walked off, "just you and me?" "Yeah, I was thinking I could order room service for dinner, and we could watch a movie like we did at the hotel. Plus I think everyone else is probably busy, unless you want me to invite your other boyfriend," he giggles. He was referring to Savage and how he relentlessly tried to hit on you. "Oh, no. I don't think I could deal with both of you," you reply with a laugh. "That's what I thought. So, I'll see you tomorrow at seven?" "Yep. See you then!" The next night arrives quickly, and now the dilemma you're facing is that you have no idea what to where. Is this casual? Does he want you to dress up? You aren't sure, and it's too late to call him; he's probably almost here. You decide to go casual, but not sweatpants casual. Why would Robert want you to dress up to go to his apartment? Seems like Robert went for the same kind of attire, you see when he shows up. You throw a quick goodbye and a kiss on the cheek to your dad before Robert leads you out to the car with a hand on the small of your back. It's not too long of a car ride to his place, because you both live in the city; however, somewhere in the middle of the trip, Robert abruptly asks his driver to stop at a bakery up ahead. You give the man next to you a confused look, and he smiles saying, "Look, I have to start doing some pretty intense training for another movie, so this might be one of the last times I get to eat cake for a while! I was thinking we could pick something up to have after dinner." There's a brief pause between you two, then Robert quickly adds on, "You can pick out whatever you want! I'll buy it!" You can't help but laugh at his excitement, and you take his hand as he basically rips you out of the car and into the bakery. The smell in the air was incredible; it makes you want to buy everything in the shop. So you and Robert go crazy picking out anything and everything that looks good, all the while giggling like school girls with one another! You arrive at Robert's apartment with bags of desserts in tow, and almost immediately, you're placing an order with room service for dinner. Stopping by the bakery had made you both very hungry. The desserts were left in the kitchen as the two of you make your way to the couch, in an effort to avoid eating all the sweets that smelled so heavenly. Robert quickly found something on the TV, although he didn't turn it up very loud; you both knew you'd be talking anyway. He leans back into the couch, putting an arm comfortably around you. At this point, it wasn't a big deal for you two to be hanging all over one another. "I didn't think I would miss you this much," Robert blurts out, "uhh, I mean, we just spent so much time together, more than I would normally spend with anyone from set." "Yeah? You miss spending the night with me?" you joke. Robert rolls his eyes. You continue, "Miss waking up to my beautiful face every day? Or waiting for me to get out the shower?" "Oh, stop! You know it wasn't like that," Robert said with a grin, but his face quickly drops into a serious look. He reaches up and gently pushes your hair behind your ear. His eyes looked over your whole face, appreciating all of your features, before locking eyes with you. He tangles his fingers in your hair at the nape of your neck and pulls you close, placing his forehead against yours. You weren't completely sure what he was doing, but you weren't mad about it. Almost instinctively, you close your eyes and begin nuzzling your nose against his. At first just bumping the end of your nose against his, and then you feel his nose next to yours as he moves closer to you. Everything feels like it's happening in slow motion. His hand still firmly grasping your hair, a tiny giggle leaves your lips for whatever reason. You feel the hair from his beard tickle your chin, and the butterflies in your stomach go crazy as you realize he's about to kiss you. His bottom lip barely graces yours, and the doorbell rings. Room service with the dinner you ordered. Your eyes fly open, seeing Robert pull back from you and take a deep breath, washing the intense expression off of his face. "I'm sorry," he says standing up and straightening out his shirt, "I don't know what I was thinking." Before you could say anything, he was opening the door, and dinner was brought in by one of the apartment staff. You took a moment to get it together and put whatever just happened behind you. You assume Robert decided to do the same, because the rest of the evening goes by relatively normal. You both enjoy dinner and of course all the desserts you picked up earlier! Not without lots of laughs anyway, as Robert keep poking fun at you for how you lit up like a child at the bakery. "Oh, like you didn't pick out just as many, if not MORE things than me!" You shout at him, which earns you a laugh from the man next to you. "In fact, it was YOUR idea to go in, Mr. I-have-to-get-in-shape-for-a-new-movie!" He cuts his eyes at you as if to say something, but instead shoves a pastry in your mouth, smearing icing across your lips and chin. You both double over in a fit of laughter, reaching for napkins to clean your face with. Thank goodness that was the highlight of the evening, so you had something other than "oh yeah, Robert almost kissed me" to tell your dad when you got home. • • •

As you would've guessed, you didn't see Robert again until you were headed to Washington. You sit with him on the plane again, but this time, a lot of the cast had different flights, traveling in from other parts of the world. The flight takes most of your day, as it's definitely the evening by the time you are picked up at the airport. Up in the mountains, it is freezing, first of all. Luckily you're from New York, and Washington isn't much further North, so you know how to handle the cold. Second, they have the whole cast and crew staying in cabins that are scattered along the mountain side. It is already pretty dark, but from what you could see, it's beautiful up on the mountain range. You don't have much to do that night, and all of the cast is arriving at different times, and production setup is running behind (the norm with Michael Cimino), so the cast all agrees to have lunch together the next day before shooting kicks off this week. Robert takes you into the visitor's center that presides over the cabins to pick up keys, and the staff even gives you some warm bowls of soup to take up to the cabin with you. Up in the cabin, you quickly cut the heater on, shivering while you wait on the room to warm up a bit. Robert sets down his bags and the soup, and walks up behind you, putting his hands on your arms and rubbing them vigorously. It warms you up pretty well, especially when he puts his warm hands on your neck. "Mm, thank you," you let out in a moan. "It's no problem, honey," Robert says lowly, almost in a whisper. "You okay?" you ask him. "Mhmm... Just sleepy and thinking about that soup," he says wrapping his arms around you and nuzzling into your neck, "Feel any warmer?" "Well, I stopped shaking," you sink back into him, and place your cold hands on his warm ones. He moves to put your hands under his, stroking the back of your hands with his thumbs. You stay like that for a few minutes before you break the silence, "You wanna eat that soup? Seemed like you were hungry." "Hmm, yeah." He pulls away from you, rubbing your arms a little like he did before, and walks into the little kitchen to get his soup. The room is a few degrees warmer, but this cabin must have horrible insulation or something, because it's still freezing even with the heater on. By the time you head over to the kitchen, Robert is bringing your soup over to the table. You both quickly dig in; Robert because he was hungry, and you because you're so cold. The soup warmed you up pretty well. The rest of the evening, there wasn't too much to do. Robert watched some TV, you went through your clothes making sure you had enough warm stuff before changing into pajamas and climbing into bed. You figured you should go ahead and try to warm your bed up sooner rather than later. A while later, you're still sitting in bed shivering a bit; Robert stands up and chuckles at you before heading out of the room to change clothes. He comes back in sweatpants and a t-shirt and climbs into his bed. "How are you wearing that to bed?" you ask him bewildered. "Um, just like this," he pulls the blankets up over his shoulders. "It's literally freezing in here. You're not cold?" "Nope, are you?" he has that devilish look on his face, knowing the answer to that question. You shoot him a deadpan look and turn over, ignoring him and trying to get warm. "Goodnight, then," Robert laughs. "Goodnight." You both lie there in silence for a while. Robert watches you tossing and turning, bunching the covers up on top of yourself, and still shivering the whole time. "(Y/N)." "What?" You turn to look at him under your huge pile of blankets. "Come here." "What do you mean, come here?" "Come get in bed with me," he says sternly. "Ooooh, no! You're not gonna get to joke about me sleeping with you all week." "(Y/N), you're freezing, and you're not gonna get any sleep like that. Just... Let me keep you warm." The look on his face was one of concern and sincerity. "You won't make fun of me?" you ask sheepishly. "I won't make fun of you." There was a small pause. "You promise?" "Oh my gosh, yes! I promise," he says with a big smile and an eye roll, "Will you get your ass over here already?" You stand up, and he holds the blankets up for you. You sit down and scoot in close to him. Robert drops the blankets on you, before grabbing you and pulling you into his chest. You make a move to protest, until you realize how warm he is. You resign to stay cuddled up to him and tangle your legs with his. You start to drift off to sleep feeling his breath gently on your forehead and his fingers tracing shapes in your back. "I knew it. You are like a human heater," you joke quietly. Without opening his eyes, Robert groans then whispers, "I knew you thought I was hot." • • • The next morning, you both wake up to the sound of the alarm clock. Robert quickly rolls you onto your back and reaches across you to turn off the alarm. You look up at him as he lingers above you for a moment. He gives you a sweet smile before leaning in and pressing his lips to yours. It catches you completely off guard, and it's over before you even realize what he has done. He looks into your eyes, and you place a hand on his cheek. It was like a dam broke. You both smash your lips into one another's kissing passionately, hands exploring each other. Robert catches your hand in his, lacing his fingers with yours and pushing your hand up above your head on the pillow. His other hand finds your hair as he continues to move his lips against yours. Your free hand roams his back, while your feet gently rub against his legs underneath the sheets. He pulls away from you slightly, breaking your kiss, both of you breathing heavily. He flashes a toothy smile at you, knowing he looks good, and breathes out, "Good morning!" You giggle and tell him, "Good morning," too. "Hmmm," Robert hums, nuzzling into the crook of your neck leaving little kisses there, "it *is* a good morning..." "I guess everyone was right about us, huh?" you point out. "Oh, who cares what they think?" "I think you do, cradle robber." You both try to look at each other seriously, but that always ends in laughter. Luckily it was a slow morning so you could spend some time together, kissing and figuring out whether or not you wanted to tell everyone at lunch. Just before time to leave, Michael came by to check on both of you and tell you that the van was ready. "Alright, we'll be out in a few minutes," Robert told Michael. "See you at the van!" Michael called out as he closed the door to your cabin. Robert turned to you and snuck his hands up the sides of your jacket, just enough for his fingertips to make contact with your skin. You placed one hand on the back of his neck and the other in his hair, while he leaned into you for one last little makeout session before heading out. You felt your back hit the wall lightly, as the door bursts open and John yells, "What's up, lovebirds--OH!" You and Robert turn to see Meryl and John at the front of your cabin giggling, the rest of the group rushing up to see why John shouted so loudly. You quickly push Robert off of you and blush a deep shade of red. Everyone starts laughing, and John looks at the two of you with a huge grin on his face, and says, "Oooh, you two are never gonna hear the end of this."

#Robert De Niro #robert de niro x reader #The Deer Hunter #1977 #we respect John Cazale on this blog 😤😤#John Cazale #meryl streep #michael cimino #robert de niro imagine #de niro

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yoonlixstars · 3 years

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Enemies To Lovers- Hyunjin ff pt. 1

Genre: hate to love? (idk)

Pairing: Hyunjin x reader

Word count: Once again i don��t know

note: I copied and pasted this from my story im working on wattpad too, its the same thing, i just put it on here too.

Today was Monday, a start of a new week, your name was y/n, you had an enemy, Hwang Hyunjin. Right now you were heading to your high school. Mentally preparing yourself to see Hyunjin. Even though you were not at all ready. (Magical time skip)

You just arrived, at your school. And low key your hiding behind everyone. Hoping Hyunjin won't see you and start bothering you like always. You were ALMOST close to the entrance, and your plan was going good so far. At least you thought it was.

Before you could even talk back, your friends: Blackpink came into your sight. "Hey y/n!" Lisa shouted, trying to get your attention knowing Hyunjin was annoying you again."Oh! What's up Lisa?" Hyunjin looked at both of you in a weird way. "Oh hey Hyunjin." Lisa also hated him. Looking at him up and down with a disgusted look. Rose, Jennie, And Jisoo also did the same thing. All of you hated Hyunjin. He was a total jerk. (NOT IN REAL LIFE THO HYUNJIN IS A SWEET BOY AND I TOTALLY LOVE HIM, THIS IS JUST A STORY, NONE OF THIS IS REAL.) "Anyways y/n want to go shopping this afternoon?" Jennie asked, totally ignoring Hyunjin. "Or we can just dump school today and go right now." Rosé said, forgetting Hyunjin was ALSO there, and knowing he would always snitch on you. "ooh, should I tell the teacher?" Your eyes widened at what he said. You weren't getting detention because of him. Not this time.

"BRUH, CAN YOU STOP BEING A JERK FOR ONCE?!" You were trying to calm down Jennie, who looked like she could really fight Hyunjin. Before you could say anything else. The bell rung and now you couldn't say anything to Hyunjin. "Hey better go to class, instead of going to the mall!" As Hyunjin said that Jisoo replied with a "we know." After that, you all walked off to your classes.(once again a magical time skip) You were already inside your classroom, waiting for the teacher. But you heard a few girls drooling while looking at a guy. you looked behind and saw Hyunjin, your face showed visible disgust, 'how could girls drool over Hyunjin?' you secretly thought that to yourself. You were praying Hyunjin won't come into the class. But sadly he has to, he has the same class as you. "Oh, Look who's here!" You rolled your eyes. "Hyunjin, leave me alone." "Hyunjin leave me alone." He mimicked your tone and copied what you said. You turned around, you were furious and really wanted him to leave you alone. "Hyunjin is it that hard to stop annoying me." you really thought it would work and he'd stop, but Hyunjin will be Hyunjin. Of course he will never let you have peace. "Aw, someone is mad." He laughed at you. Who was looking at him furiously. "Okay kids, in your seats let's start class." The teacher said, clapping her hands, signaling the students to pay attention.

(a small magical time skip again.) You were paying attention to class, just writing down notes. Until you felt little balls being thrown at you back. You already knew who it was, Hyunjin. You turned around.

"Hyunjin, stop throwing paper balls at me." You whispered lowly, so the teacher won't hear anything. "Why should i though?" Now you were getting too angry. You stood up, starting to yell. Before a voice interrupted you. "Miss y/n, have any explanation to why your talking during my class?" The teacher raised up one eyebrow. Looking at you with a questioning look. "Um, yes ma'am, Hyunjin was-" Before you could finish your sentence she yelled. "YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF DETENTION. OUT OF MY CLASSROOM." You sighed, picking up your stuff, and before leaving, you shot a death glare at Hyunjin but he just giggled with a playful smirk.

lolz okay thats it ill be making part 2 tomorrow, and yes, this story sucks a lot.

#hwang hyunjin #skz hyunjin #skz #stray kids #stray kids hyunjin #hyunjin

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mollydollyjournals · 3 years

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Saturday 6th March, 156.2lbs.

I don't know if the microenema yesterday sorted everything but I really didn't want to do another one today. I didn't really want to think about it. I had 2 sachets of regular osmotic lax and I'll deal with it tomorrow.

I still felt really nauseous, tired and headachey today. I slept badly again last night. It's hard to tell what could be causing it all, there are so many possibilities. I was just spotting today so my period is officially over I guess. It maybe could be that. A while ago I was worrying about my sore throat maybe being covid - I guess it's possible I have some kind of illness. At this point I'd say it's probably not covid, unless I'm getting a very mild version. I'm really isolated as it is so I won't bother getting a test, I'll just stay as I am and it won't matter either way. But maybe my immune system is trying to fight something. Maybe it's my period fucking with hormone levels. Maybe it's long term alcohol withdrawal. Maybe it's depression. Maybe it's antidepressants. Maybe it's something else entirely.

So it's the usual: I hope I feel better tomorrow. As always.

I didn't do a whole lot today but I did manage to stay awake all day which is more than the past few days. I made more pages for my journal and ordered some more supplies to decorate it more. I think I don't want to actually start writing in it until maybe next month...it's just all nice and everything. But I can still use the info sections for reference.

Tomorrow is Sunday which means if I have the energy I have to vacuum the house and sort the recycling. I have a lot of cardboard boxes I need to get rid of, even after having kept some for my cats to play in. I haven't sorted them properly since...uh...idk 2018 probably who fuckin knows. So it'll make more space if I can clear out at least a significant portion tomorrow in time for collection. And there's vacuuming. I also am supposed to do an upper body strength workout and some cardio, but as I've been feeling so shit it'll be a miracle if I manage to do the housework. Plus vacuuming all the stairs is the most demanding thing for me so if I do that it'll make me sweat and my muscles ache anyway.

I was 157.2 just now before bed so I'm kind of hoping I might at least be under 156 tomorrow. 155.2 would be great. I was reminded today that I really am fat. Not even just seeing imperfections that nobody else does - I saw something about fat positivity and there was a body like mind on it. Maybe if I'd seen more of that sort of thing when I was growing up I might not have all this shit, but now, when my mind is already set, it just feels like a reminder that I'm so much worse than the people with EDs who hate being 'normal' and 'healthy.' I'm the kind of person who gets featured on fat posi posts. I can't fit into regular one-size-fits-all thigh high socks, I need plus size ones. My BMI is over 25. I have no jawline. I'm just fat.

Tomorrow will be a week since I last drank alcohol. It's difficult. I really want to drink, especially as I've been so sad and tired this week. Not being able to do anything is the worst. If I had more energy, I'd at least be able to get up and tidy stuff or work out or just do something to work on the things that make me feel shit. That's one of the reasons I'm getting so into this journal - it's something I can do that at least feels like I'm doing something. Otherwise I'm just stuck with my thoughts and I want to drink. Once a week is okay, so I could drink tomorrow. But if I do, I'll be hungover again on Monday and have to recover from that before I can do any exercise. I'll get hungrier and maybe binge. I might get seriously sick again. And I'm fat, I can't afford to do anything that will make that worse if I can avoid it. I don't have bad withdrawal anymore so I don't need to drink like I did before. If I keep going I can break my records - I could see if I'll lose any weight by doing 30 days sober, like so many other people say they did when they did 30 days sober. Of course, knowing my luck and metabolism, I probably won't. But I could find out for sure.

So I don't know. I just feel really alone again. I really hope I feel better tomorrow. I'm sick of always saying that. I just need the energy to do stuff. I swear, if I can feel okay enough to work out and meal prep and lose weight...I'll cut down my drinking as much as it takes. But when I feel this bad even after a week sober it really makes me feel like I just should give up and drink because at least then I'll feel better for a while.

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burnt-tomato · 4 years

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The Red String of Fate

The Red String of Fate links two soulmates together signifying that they are made for each other. This certain string can appear when you are born or when you and your soulmate finally meet. Though this string can be broken, whether because of arguments, long distance, any of the two meeting someone else they like, taking the two too long to meet, or when intentionally cut. If the string was accidentally cut, it would come back. But the string can be fixed if and only if one of the soulmates has enough energy or power to revive it.

warning: curse words, boy x boy

pairing: IwaOi ( Iwaizumi x Oikawa )

anime: Haikyuu!!

this is my first fanfic so I apologize for any grammar errors. it may also seem rushed and might not be pleasant to read and I also apologize for that. even if english is my second language, my vocab isn't as good as other writers

- - s n a p - - . . . . . . . . . . . . . . !!

That sound. The sound that sounds so painful yet so relieving. The sound that I can't decide whether if I like it or not. The sound that just might decide things for me. The sound that would me you feel ill and 'empty'. I t h u r t s b a d l y .

Bzzzt! Bzzzt! Bzzzt!

Crap. What time is it?

"Hajime! Are you awake yet? Get ready for school already. At this rate you'll be late for the first period. Tooru's waiting for you outside."

Oh. Shit. I overslept again. And how the fuck is that Shittykawa waiting for me? Most of the time he's the one who's late. Too late for that then.

I quickly got dressed and went downstairs. I didn't even bother eating breakfast. I dashed out of the door just to be greeted by Oikawa.

"Why isn't this a surprise, Iwa-chan! For the first time I'm the one waiting for you."

"Haha very funny Crappykawa"

"Can't you call me anything else other than Crappykawa?"

"So which do you prefer? Shittykawa or Trashykawa?"

"E-eh?? I'd go for Crappykawa then!" Oikawa pouted afterwards.

We both rushed to school and barely made it just in time. Teacher got mad at us though for arriving last minute.

Oikawa Tooru. He's been my best friend for as long as I can remember, although to this day I'm still wondering why I even agreed to being with him. It was more like a forced friendship because we were the only kids in the neighborhood of the same age. He's also the reason I got into volleyball. Well, sort of. He kinda forced me into learning how to play just so someone can spike his tosses. Actually, eversince he came, something's been going on with my life differently.

10 years ago, there was this family that has just moved in into our neighborhood. I was 7 or 8 at the time. Mom called me to come downstairs to greet the new people. When we opened the door, it revealed a tall woman with shoulder length brown hair with dark brown eyes. Beside her was a kid a few centimeters taller than me with brown hair and an ahoge, and seemed to he right at my age. After our greetings, mom invited them inside and in just a few seconds, this random kid was in my room.

"Uh... Tooru, do you want to do or play anything?"

He didn't answer, but he did go out and returned with a volleyball in his hands. He tugged my shoulder sleeve and took me outside. And then I just found myself playing with a kid I just met, although I didn't know how, but he did teach me.

When the sun came down, they said that they were going home.

"Bye Iwa-chan! See you tomorrow"

"Bye Tooru."

Just as he said, the next day we found ourselves playing with each other again. This has been going on for awhile now.

On a normal day, I woke up with a red string tied unto my pinky.

"W-why i-is there a r-red string tied unto m-me??" In panic, I fell down my bed. I debated in my head on whether mom should know about this or not, and came to the conclusion that I would tell her if she noticed. While eating breakfast, even if I tried giving her hints and putting my hand in the most open and obvious spot, she didn't seem to notice at all. Was this just my imagination? Maybe it doesn't actually exist.

I tried my best to just ignore it and just enjoy the rest of the day (Even if having this stupid red string tied unto me. And the fact that it's even going through the walls! Holy crap that's frikin weird.)

I stepped outside to play with Tooru again. Maybe if mom couldn't see it, maybe he can't too. Or should I confirm it with him and ask? Is this string even real? Is it even solid? Why does it look like it's just floating through air? Why is it-

"Iwa-chan! Do you want to play again?"

Why. Why is the damn string attached to him, to the same finger as mine. Why is it connecting the two of us. Should I just ignore it?

"Yeah sure"

I guess I decided to ignore it.

Ever since this string appeared, we seemed closer than usual. There are even times that I forgot it existed. Every time I woke up, it would just be there. It looks like it doesn't have a specific or permanent length, in fact whenever me and Tooru separate, it just extends.

So I decided that I'd cut it. I mean.. what's the harm?

- - s n i p - - . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ! !

"*cough* *c-cough*...!!! I-I c-can't b-breathe...!! M-mom! H-help m-me..!!"

Bzzzt Bzzzt Bzzzt!!!

H-huh? Why am I on the floor? Did I fall asleep here? I don't remember much from last night... What happened??

I took a glance at my hand. Oh. It's gone.

Honestly though. I don't know if I feel relieved or... something else. My chest feels heavy, actually. Maybe if I go out and play with Tooru I'd feel better-

"Sorry. Tooru's not feeling well today. Just this morning when he woke up, he was sobbing and refused to tell me the reason. I'm sorry Hajime-kun. Maybe tomorrow."

What. Why? Does this have something to do with the string? Ah, don't be stupid Hajime, he probably felt ill. That's all.

I hope so.

When that string appeared, it reminded me of my friendship with Tooru. When we finally started playing as actual friends, that string appeared. It almost felt like a reminder or sign of our connection. Geez Hajime, when did you become so cheesy. Haha yeah I know. And when I cut that string, it felt like I cut my ties with him or in other words, broke away.

That's probably just my imagination though. I really have to stop overthinking things. Despite my arrogance and cold attitude, I do sometimes think about this thoroughly, even if it sounds cheesy and cliche.

"Hey Iwa-chan. Sorry I haven't gotten to play with you for a week. I know it was sudden, but I actually got a high fever, although before that I didn't even feel ill. But I'm okay now! We can finally play agai-! ... Iwa-chan?"

Oh. I didn't even notice that he was talking to me, or even that he was ok now. Eversince he got sick, I've been spacing out more frequently and felt really lonely.

"Ah. Sorry 'bout that Tooru. I'm fine. Are you sure you're not ill anymore? If not, sure let's play some volleyball."

We did. When he got better, even I felt better.

And just when I thought things were finally going to go smoothly...

Ah. It appeared again. The stupid red string. And without a doubt it's tied unto Tooru too. Sigh. What am I gonna do about this...

"Toor- I mean Oikawa. Can you set to me some of your tosses? I want to practice spiking."

From the benches, I could hear Matsukawa and Hanamaki snickering about how I almost called Shittykawa by his first name.

...

Up to this day this string is still tied unto our hands, mine and Oikawa's. Up until now, I've been constantly cutting that string, but it's not like I cut it because we had arguments or misunderstandings, it's just really... uncomfortable. And the fact that only we can see it, or perhaps, only I can. Oikawa's been spending more time in my house nowadays. We've been getting closer during these years of growing up together. Still, I wonder what this string means. Every time I cut it, after me and Oikawa hangout again, it just comes back. Freaky honestly.

"Alright everyone!! Practice is over! Go home already, it's getting late. Don't forget that next week we have a practice match, ok?"

We all separate ways, and me and Oikawa walk home together.

"Goodnight Iwa-chan. See you tomorrow."

"Yeah. See you too."

. . .

Huhhhhhhhhhh. Oikawa just texted me.

"Hey Iwa-chan, some fangirl asked me to go out with her. You think I should??" Sent 8:52 PM

Huh...? Why did he ask me? And why do I feel like I got rejected...? Seriously, whenever he gets requests or confessions he always asks me first. It's not like I control him.. But honestly a part of me wants him to not go..

I wonder why...

"Idk. Do u even like her?" Sent 8:54 PM

"Mmm. Not rlly...." Sent 8:54 PM

"Then don't. Bye." Sent 8:55 PM

"Eh? Are you mad? Iwa-chan???" Sent 8:55 PM

"Iwa-chan??"

"IwA-cHan??"

I ignored him. He should just do what he wants.

Fuckkk. Why alarm clock's been ringing for 20 minutes already. It's past 7 AM already. First period starts at 7. Why am I still here..? Is it because I didn't want to see Oikawa hangout with that girl? Haha don't be silly Hajime. I just didn't feel like going.

Hmmm..? It's 5PM already? Fuck how long have I been here? Was I just staring into nothing. I'm hungry. I went down and ate. Then went back to my room.

I stopped. The scissors. The scissors I use to cut the string.. should I?

I grabbed the scissors then-

"IWA-CHAN!!! WHY didn't you go to school today??? Are you ill? I brought you your homewo-"

I stopped. When did he get here? Did my mom literally just let him in without letting me know? Well, this is just fucking awkward. I'm standing, a bit bent down, holding a pair of scissors against this red string that I don't know if he could see. Up 'till now, I don't know if he could see the string, nd I've been carelessly cutting it.

He dropped everything.

"I-iwa-c-chan... w-why...?? So you've b-been cutting t-he string? It was y-you?..."

Oikawa started sobbing and dropped to the floor. I dropped the scissors, causing a loud thud on the floor, and rushed to him.

"What do you mean? You could see it this entire time? Why didn't you tell me?

"Why have you been CUTTING IT?"

Fuck. I've never heard Oikawa raise his voice. Ever. His voice overlapped his sobs.

"Do y-you not want to be with me? I rejected the girl b-because..."

His voice softened. It got softer right after he shouted.

"W-what? What do you mean? Of course I-I d-do.."

I looked away, hiding my embarrassment.

"Then why have you been cutting it?"

I didn't even notice that we've been on the floor this entire time. His face I held on my chest, my shirt's wet from his tears. After his question, I was dead silent. It's true. Why did I cut the string?

"Iwa-chan, do you not even know what the string means?"

Oikawa muttered softly, his voice being overlapped by the broken sobs echoing in the room.

"Ah... No."

Right after I answered, Oikawa's hands gripped the back part of my shirt tighter. His sobbing got quieter, his face still buried on my chest.

"Iwa... It meant that we were soulmates. The red string signifies that we were meant to stay together, to be there for each other. Eversince I moved into this neighborhood, I had a strong feeling when I first saw you. And I was right. The string appeared after we settled with eachother."

"I... I didn't know that..... Tooru im-!"

"I like you Hajime... I always have... but honestly I never thought about how I could tell you... I was scared that you'd reject me and find it weird that a guy likes a guy..."

He looked down, gripping tighter unto my back.

How could I have been so stupid. I've been cutting that string without a reason, and worst, I never even told him. If I had told him sooner, maybe I could've at least prevented hurting him...

"Hajime...I like you... I love you..."

"Tooru I-"

He gripped my shirt tighther, burying his face deeper unto my chest. He breathed softly, and I could hear his heart beats thumping fast.

"Hajime..."

Oikawa jolted as i wrapped one arm around him and pulled his body closer to mine.

I'm sure he got my answer.

"EH?? Are you serious, Iwaizumi-san???!!!"

"IWAIZUMI SENPAIIII!!!"

"Why tho"

I held Shittykawa's hand tighter.

"Haha... yeah. We are."

Im sososososo sorry this looks sooo bad. I tried to make it as good as I can and literally failed lmao. If you have request, u can ask away <3333

-♤

#haikyuu #haikyuu!!#haikyuu fanfic #iwaoi #iwaizumi #Oikawa #ship fanfic #lmao what is this garbage #♤

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lenjaminmacbuttons · 4 years

Note

Hope you’re doing okay, I know there’s been a lot going on the past couple weeks. 🌈🌈💛💛

FOOF YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

thank you for the good vibes anon, i love you and it means a lot to me. however unfortunately now im gonna use this to vent dump exactly how much has been going on the past couple weeks off the top of my head. this is actually pretty far from Everything thats happen but im so tired and dont want to think about any of it anymore

my grandma passed away last week. we were prepared for it and we know she’s at peace in a better place et cetera et cetera, her body was all full of restraints & impediments that she doesnt have to deal with anymore and the next time she’s in a body it’ll be all New And Improved and awesome. i missed so much work in anticipation of this that now i can’t get work off on the day of the funeral, so i can still go to it but i’ll have to go immediately to work right from it and have to pretend everythings fine and dandy and nothings going on.

everyone at work Does know there’s something going on however and the two coworkers i have who are actually like i consider them friends mostly they’re all like Hey Im Here For You Talk About Your Feelings Honestly with me and i. dont. want. to talk about my feelings at work. thats not what work is for and i dont like talking about my feelings anyway and i dont want them to ask anymore

the changes to the handbook and the honor code have completely sunk my heart. i had so much hope up until those hideous ridiculous unfathomably transphobic things they wrote and now i don’t feel like i can trust or have hope in ANYTHING the institution does anymore. ive been up all night going back and forth over whether i want to go to church today. or ever again. it’s not bringing me joy. it’s making me feel anxious and depressed and frustrated and alone. i keep seeing people just on the street or on facebook who are so happy and content with the church and whatever it does and i just…i get struck every single time with this thought of “they don’t care about me. they don’t care about any of these problems. they’re not affected personally by it and so they don’t care.”

and then that makes me feel like such a hypocrite because!!! ive been them too for so long!! what makes this moment so different!!!!! why is this the straw that breaks the camel’s back when the camel should have thrown off the whole burden and run to join its friends at the first strike of the owner’s whip!!!!!!

plus it’s making me feel gross about my mormon memes blogs. idk if i can keep running those anymore.

im failing this semester anyway and i keep getting emails about it. i was planning to take a break from school After this semester but ive missed so much class that i just really can’t go back to any of them so i guess im just dropping out right now. as much as i’d love to participate in all the incredible amazing protests going on right now i really really cant be on campus at all without feeling literally physically ill. and my Hope was to do really well this last semester and then submit mission papers and that way i’d know exactly what next to do with my life until i decide what After, and id be able to Get Out somewhere and travel someplace while still feeling like my life has some semblance of structure and direction. however! HOWEVER!!!!!!!!

i’ve been feeling so, so horrible and so worn down and i dont even know where or what my testimony is anymore. but that’s probably a lot lower on the list of Why I Can’t Serve A Mission, because a. i still don’t trust my Local Bishop enough to talk to him about things The Handbook says to b. i am finding it harder and harder and harder to be perceived as female. i never really have dysphoria about my body or my presentation or anything but like, when people say Sister and Ma’am and Miss and Daughter and Hey Pretty Lady It’s Me Your Relief Society President it’s like…that’s not me. that feels gross. and i wear suits and ties to church, have done so for a while and never get any flak for it, and im gradually working up the nerve to maybe start introducing myself as lev or levi instead of lillie buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. socially transitioning apparently is not allowed.

not to mention my temple recommend expired ages ago anyway. anxiety about bishops prevented me from ever going in for an interview to renew it. i haven’t visited the temple once since before graduating high school. but every time i see it or think about it i long for it so badly and it hurts so much.

and also like, i get that same kinda horrible regretful longing feeling whenever i hear violin music? because i played violin for a few years and then stopped but i still have the instrument because it was given to me by my grandmother. who played it herself until sickness wouldn’t let her anymore and she entrusted it to me and i Stopped Playing but then i hoped to pick it up enough to at least learn how to play her favorite song and aw wouldn’t that be so nice to play that for her on her violin except i never actually got around to printing out the sheet music or practicing At All. and now she’s gone.

and one of the last things she said to me was that she would love to hear my book since her eyesight was too gone to read it so i said i’d record it as soon as i got the right software/hardware to do that and then i never did that either. also i promised alla yalls that book would be Published Published coming up on four months ago now and i still haven’t done that

i took a pair of safety scissors to my forearms as mentioned in a previous post and surprise surprise, the lines have not healed still, it’s getting warmer outside and thus harder to wear long sleeves, and guess what! a while ago on a separate occasion i complained that i kinda wished my self harm scars looked more like the classic cutter lines and Now They Do!! And I Hate It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and a couple nights ago my little sister saw them and so i told her i got attacked by a spider-pawed bear and fortunately my brother Understands and backed me up like “dang what do they teach in schools these days i cant believe youve never heard of the spider-pawed bears that live in the mountains and are totally normal and real”

and steven universe is ending. that’s a thing.

and like….okay. not everything in my emotions right now is bad. some of it is just complicated. one coworker friend i have recently confessed that she’s had a crush on me for several months now. fortunately when she said this i was able to be honest and say that im not super eager for a relationship right now, im not ready in the slightest to settle down or anything, im still hung up on my high school crush and also dealing with issues from my last relationship, and she replied that’s all perfectly fine and she doesn’t have any expectations and she’s great being friends and we can take things at whatever pace is good

except i also now have a date with said high school crush loosely planned for tomorrow and i told this coworker friend about it and she admitted it’s making her a little jealous and then she said jealous is an ugly word and amended it to Insecure and i feel bad about that

but i also like. am really excited for this date. like it’s not really a for sure romantic capital-d Date and that’s fine, but i haven’t seen this friend irl for so long and ive been missing her so much over this past little while that we’ve been internet chatting and that ive been i guess officially falling back in love with her but i also like, i dont know what her deal is romantically right now i don’t want to presume anything but i really really really am itching to see her

work is stressful. it’s only gonna get more so as weather gets warmer. but we’re getting two new managers with loads of experience and glowing reviews next week. i have hope that they’ll makes things a little lighter.

and there’s also. good things. peridot took off her visor for the first time ever in canon and i saved like 50 different gifs of it to my computer cus it rocked my world. sonic has she-ra toys for the kids meals and i managed to snag a tiny inflatable version of the sword. i’m making cosplays of the tres horny boys from the adventure zone and they’re all very exciting and making things makes me very very happy. i’m finding joy in all the fanfictions i’m writing right now and in talking about dungeons & dragons with my brothers and friends. ducknerva is a very beautiful Good Ending version of marahope which makes me happy and taako is a super effective projection outlet. i bought cupcakes today and they were delicious. and when i think about those good things, when i think about any good thing no matter how small, everything else disappears.

whatever happens happens i guess.

she who lives will see.

#talkyllama #hey if anyone needs tags on posts like these please please let me know asap #i always forget that actual people see the things i post #i dont usually trigger tag cus i dont usually think i need to but if i do i will

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eldritchsurveys · 4 years

Text

734.

Have you ever read the Hunger Games series? >> I have, finally! Read it during my trip to Texas in January. I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would; my quibbles are few. I want to see the movies but I also don’t want to see the movies -- what I want are... not those movies, pretty much. I’ll probably give the first one a shot at least, just so I know for sure exactly what I’m protesting against, lol.

When was the last time you ran into something? >> I don’t remember, I don’t do that often.

Do you enjoy dressing up? >> Yes, absolutely, mostly because I don’t get to do it often so it’s a novelty.

Do you live in the city or a rural area? >> I live in the outskirts of a city. So, kind of the suburbs, but not quite.

Would you say you have a sense of style? >> I mean, yeah.

What’s your biggest fear? >> Being terribly aware of my every dying moment and carrying that awareness into another life or something.

Have you ever been bitten by a wild animal? >> No.

Are you close to any of your cousins? >> No.

Have you ever been lost in the woods? >> No.

Where did you last travel? >> For any significant distance? Houston, Texas.

Do you enjoy driving? >> I don’t drive. I enjoy driving being a part of my mythic self, though (my mythic self is called the Driver, you see).

What song did you last listen to? >> Sunlight by Hozier. Which was, of course, written specifically to call me out.

If you have a job, how often do you work? >> ---

What time do you normally go to sleep at night? >> Anywhere between 10.30p and 1a.

Do you watch a lot of movies? >> I do.

Do you like Tom Petty? >> I don’t.

Would you rather have snow or rain? >> Rain. Absolutely rain.

Do you own a lot of sweaters? >> No. I’m not sure I own any at all, actually -- oh, wait, I own exactly one. It’s a Hot Topic Christmas sweater and it says “Sleigher: Reindeer Blood” on it. I love it and I would live in it if I could.

Have you ever tried rock-climbing? >> Nope. Except on that small rock wall in the Museum of Science & Industry (pretty sure that’s where it was).

Ever ridden in a police car? >> Yes.

Favorite decade of music? >> I don’t have a favourite decade. I prefer listening to music from as many decades as possible.

Have any of your best friends been your best friend longer than a year? >> ---

Ever witnessed a murder? >> No.

Do you care what people think of you? >> I care what some people think of me.

Does your room have a ceiling fan? >> Nope.

Would you consider yourself poised? >> Not particularly. I never put any effort into it.

Have you ever tried blogging? >> Of course, lol.

Favorite television channel? >> I don’t have cable.

Have you ever lied under oath? >> No.

What are your religious views? >> Nebulous and subject to whim.

Are you a romantic person? >> No.

When did you last change your bed sheets? >> About an hour ago, actually. And I showered afterwards, so now I’m a clean boy in a clean bed. Livin’ the dream.

Would you consider yourself a flirt? >> No.

At what age do you plan to be married? >> 32, apparently.

Do you eat a lot of junk food? >> No. I really just don’t like a lot of the foods that are widely considered “junk”.

When did you last go on vacation? >> I guess the trip to Texas was kind of a vacation? But otherwise I’d say my wedding/honeymoon in October.

Are you resilient? >> Yeah. Like, I know I am. It’s been proven that I am. The fact I feel so fragile and wounded so often isn’t a contradiction of that fact.

Have you ever failed a subject before? >> I don’t think so.

If so, what was the class? >> Like, I should have failed English III because I got a zero on the midterm and the final, but I think the teacher gave me a D out of pity or whatever.

Do you wear more bright or dull colors? >> I don’t really wear colours at all. It’s not even an effort anymore, it really just seems that all of the clothing I’m willing to wear comes in black...

Do you know anyone who has attempted suicide? >> Yes.

What’s your favorite quote? >> DAMMIT. I totally forgot about that quotes file I was going to keep on Evernote. I gotta work on that so I have answers for this question.

Would you consider yourself mature? >> I mean, I suppose I do okay. Being post-traumatic means I have some pretty child-like responses to things sometimes, but, you know. I’m doing my best.

How many clocks are in your house? >> There’s one on my wall, although there’s no battery in it because I can’t abide the noise. It’s just a decoration. (It’s one of those records that someone cut a design out of, it’s really cool.)

Do you play any sports? >> No.

What is your biggest life regret? >> ---

Have you ever been injured in a car accident? >> Nope.

If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be? >> My mind went a lot of places with this question in 5 seconds flat, and I don’t even know how to unpack any of it. Half the shit I thought of didn’t even have anything to do with this lifetime.

Have you ever had highlights in your hair? >> No.

Favorite fast food restaurant? >> Meh.

In what country were you born? >> USA.

Are your eyes more than one color? >> Nope.

Have you ever caught something on fire? >> Accidentally? Yeah, a couple of times.

What would you consider your biggest flaw? >> I don’t know.

What do you think your best quality is? >> Curiosity and open-mindedness.

Do you enjoy listening to others’ problems? >> I’m not sure “enjoy” is the right word in this context, lol.

Do you keep any plants in your house? >> Yeah, Sparrow’s really into plants. I like them, but I tend to enjoy them more when they’re outdoors. Kind of like animals.

What is your mother’s occupation? >> ---

Do any of your friends like your musical style? >> At least some of it, I’m sure. I like way too much shit for me to have no music preferences in common with the average person.

What are you most looking forward to? >> That glorious day when I can just. Walk into a bar and have a drink and some lunch again.

What was your favorite television show as a child? >> I don’t think I had one.

Are you afraid of insects? >> Not as a rule.

Are you cold-natured? >> I don’t think so, but my 485745 defense mechanisms often make me appear so.

How old were you when you got your first pet? >> I was a toddler.

Did you / do you enjoy high school? >> I did not.

What would you say was your favorite age? >> ---

What annoys you most about social networking? >> The way it’s engineered.

Are you the center of attention most of the time? >> No.

What are you currently reading? >> Staring at the Sun: Overcoming The Terror of Death by Irvin D Yalom. It’s... not really giving me anything I can use, mostly because it doesn’t address the things I actually fear (like, no, I don’t fear not leaving behind a good legacy or whatever, I literally fear the awe-ful, terrible knowledge of my organs shutting down and shit like that, the helplessness of being pulled into the abyss. Literally. Not figuratively. This is a literal visceral thing I believe in. Also, I fear persecution by cosmic forces because I have internalised the idea that I am Bad and I will be Punished. Where is my book? I do like the title, though.), so I don’t know if I’m going to finish it. I might skim through it for a few decent nuggets like that one Nietzsche quote he used, “when we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago”. That was a good one.

When did you last go to the library? >> It’s been a while, since I usually just check out ebooks. Oh, wait, we went to the branch for a Black History Month event, so, February.

Are you ill at the moment? >> No.

Do people tease you about anything? >> I mean, Sparrow does. And some tumblr mutuals tease me about various aspects of my Brand, hah.

How late did you stay up last night and why? >> I think I dropped off at around midnight, idk. Because that’s just how it happened.

Have you ever written poetry? >> Sure.

Curtains or shades? >> I’m not sure what the difference is.

How many people have you spoken to in the last hour? >> One.

Do you tend to text a lot? >> No.

Ever lost a great best friend? >> ---

What is your favorite kind of flower? >> Sunflowers.

Do you own any guns? >> Absolutely fucking not.

What would you say is your favorite book of all-time? >> ---

Do you think you’re living a good life? >> I am doing my best with the life I have.

What’s your least favorite part of the day? >> I don’t have a least favourite part of the day.

Are you an over-achiever? >> No.

Have you ever won an award for a speech? >> No.

Do you tend to curse a lot? >> Sure.

Have you ever played on the Ouija board? >> Nope. I’ve never even seen one in person, except for seeing the box in a store or something.

Do you sleepwalk? >> No.

Have you ever slept on the floor before? >> Yeah, I did for years. I should probably have worse spinal alignment or something now, but I guess them’s the perks of doing shit like that while I was still young.

Are you a fan of public displays of affection? >> I don’t do well with physical affection whether in public or not, so, you know.

When did you last attend a yard sale? >> A couple of years ago?

Do you wish your life were simpler or more interesting? >> I like the level of simplicity I’m at right now.

What goals do you wish to accomplish tomorrow? >> ---

When is your birthday? >> 28 May.

Which is worse: going blind or deaf? >> How would I know, I haven’t experienced either.

What was the best part of today? >> Visiting a mutual’s house in FFXIV, signing the guestbook, and then turning around and there was her character (and her girlfriend’s character) right behind me, lmao. We didn’t get to chat long because their dungeon queue popped, but it was still nice.

Do you attempt to stay away from drama? >> I don’t have to stay away from it, it’s never anywhere near me in the first place.

What liquid did you last drink? >> Gose.

Do you ever prefer to be alone? >> Often.

Have you ever had a deadly animal as a pet? >> No.

Favorite Disney movies >> Lilo & Stitch, Moana, and Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Have you ever been to the beach? >> Sure.

If you have, how many times have you been? >> Like... a few dozen? I don’t know.

What was your dream occupation at age ten? >> ---

Are you terrified at the idea of weight-gain? >> I don’t know if terrified is the right word, exactly, but something similar to that.

Do you drink a lot of water? >> Not a lot. I drink when I feel thirsty, and that just isn’t that often? I don’t know. Maybe I’m not good at recognising thirst cues, that’s a possibility.

Does your room have carpet or hard-wood floors? >> Carpet.

Do you take naps daily? >> No.

Who were you named after? >> I wasn’t named after anyone.

Do you plan on traveling this spring or summer? >> Well, we had planned...

Do you know anyone who is colorblind? >> Maybe?

Have you ever been a teacher’s pet? >> When I was a child, I guess, because I was precocious and nerdy and adults are obsessed with that sort of thing for some reason.

What is your absolute favorite hobby? >> *shrug* What’s a hobby.

How many times a day do you brush your teeth? >> One, provided I remember and have the executive function.

Ever been to a tanning bed before? >> No.

Are you satisfied with your financial stability? >> No matter what, I still have more financial stability than I did when I was literally penniless and living on the street, so I can deal.

Who is your favorite actor / actress? >> When it comes to people I’m always excited to see in a movie, Javier Bardem is one.

Are your nails painted? >> Nope.

What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to someone? >> I don’t know, I’ve said a lot of mean things.

Do you ever accidentally talk to inanimate objects? >> Not accidentally, no. I do it on purpose, because it pleases me.

What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream? >> Vanilla bean and matcha are the only flavours I actually like and don’t just. tolerate.

Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender? >> I don’t think I’ve ever kissed another agender person.

Do you receive any hate mail? >> No.

Have you ever sent a letter in the mail? >> When I was a kid.

If you could, would you have a pen pal? >> I don’t think I’d make a good penpal.

What color are the pants you’re wearing? >> Black with lime green print.

Have you ever had a stalker? >> No.

What is your life philosophy? >> I don’t have one.

Who last sent you a goodnight text message? >> ---

Do you own any clothes that are your favorite color? >> I don’t own any gold clothing, no.

Have you ever been in a hot tub before? >> I tried a hot tub once, at Easton Mountain. Five seconds in, I felt faint and like my heart was going to burst out of my chest, so I had to get out.

What’s your favorite comedy movie? >> Blazing Saddles and The Producers come to mind.

In which year were you born? >> 1987.

#surveys #survey #random survey

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jjpmoans · 5 years

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50 Questions Tag

Tagged by @prettywordsyouleft and @itsallabigmess bcs these two unnies really love me

1. What takes too much of your time?

Social media (yes that includes tumblr)

2. What makes your day better?

These days, Jinyoung. Lol okay so I am a very talkative one. So yeah, talking to someone will immediately makes me feel less stressful.

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today?

Just now @itsallabigmess made an exception for me to write a GOT7 fic asdfghjkl I FEEL A LITTLE TOO OVER HAPPY

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

I think almost all my friend would have guess this. Hogwarts. Because the food there seems to be endless and really, I’d love to try eating both drumsticks in my hand and I want to put an incantation to whoever tries to hold me from eating.

5. Are you good at giving advice?

Well, I think I am. Judging from how my whole family turned to me when they wanted to share their problems. Also when I gave advises, I always stresses this one thing “Listen to understand, don’t listen to reply” and that implies to me too. And honestly, I listen too much and sometimes when people just don’t want to change, I feel really annoyed BECAUSE WHAT IS THE POINT YOU WANTED MY ADVISE???? Okay I think I’m good. hahahhahhaha

6. Do you have any mental illness?

Horny 24/7 is that a mental illness? lmao no I’m not that bad but I think I need to get married. NOW.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Not yet. In my country, people describe sleep paralysis as you got crushed by some spirit (ghost to be exact) and yes it is scary and I hope I would never experience it.

8. What musician inspired you the most?

I’ve been thinking a lot and though I really want to say GOT7, I’d say EXO. Partly because I was there since early times, but also, the amount of success and loyalties they have received are really unbelievable. The secret of EXO’s and BTS’s popularity which leads them to win daesang in every award is their fans. And I really hope ahgase can be like them. I’d be lying if I say our fandom is really hardworking when it comes to award season. I’ve seen my friend bullshitting EXO and BTS bcs whenever any of them is nominated in the same award of GOT7, automatically, GOT7 will lose. And no joke, army and exol are really monsters during award season. And I hope us ahgase can be like that too. I know got7 said they didn’t mind but Jinyoung once said that he want to know how those groups can win daesang easily and he thought got7 need to work harder. smh I’m emo. sorry this got longer than it should.

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

I do. Hahahahhahaha yes I do.

10. What’s your dream date?

Well for me, just talking with each other is a date. I love to know small details because when I love someone, I just want to know everything about him. But okay a dream date? Amusement park. Yes you need to know which ride makes me scream like a girl and which makes me scream like a mad woman.

11. What do others notice about you?

I’m very talkative (that really shows lol). And I don’t know how to refuse when someone ask for a help or anything. I always tell myself to treat people the way I want to be treated.

And they said I’m too nice. Yeah I figured that too hahahahhaa

12. What is an annoying habit you have?

Refuse to listen when I’m angry. I feel annoyed because I know I’m wrong but I’m angry but I don’t want to hurt people. So I’ll say “Sorry, I’m very angry now but I know I’m wrong. Just, I’ll be okay later so we’ll talk later”

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

Yes and no. Our last conversation was he wanted to meet me. But ever since then, no other conversation.

14. How many ex’s do you have?

Can’t relate lol

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

Here’s the thing. I have a lot of playlists. Phone playlist, laptop playlist, joox playlist and youtube playlist. So I don’t know how many of them.

16. What instruments can you play?

Non existent.

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

My phone? Now? Jinyoung smh this is all Tumblr’s fault lol.

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

Mecca. I’d like to die there if I can.

19. What is your zodiac?

Virgo. And please, someone, please help me calculate whatever thing it was (sun sign, moon sign and all) I never knew those things and it irks me when I don’t know it hahahahhaaa

20. Do you relate to it?

Well I did some research here, Virgo firstly is a virgin and yes I am. It says that virgo is very supportive of people in their lives and even strangers, that is me. I’m a critical thinker bcs I personally hate when something goes wrong. but lol hardworking, artists and remembers everything? Not even close. I’m a lazy ass, I draw a cow but it turned into a pig and I am hopeless with my memory.

But one Virgo thing about me, yes I am an overthinker hahahahhaa

21. What is happiness to you?

When my family reunited.

22. Are you going through anything right now?

Family problem. Mom just got heart attack, dad married another woman, brother on crisis with mom, sister just stabbed my back, aunt made everything worse. It’s been three months into 2019, every week, another family problem popped up. But we are trying, I tried to fix everything, another role which the smallest child has to take upon responsibility but I’m fine. Just, tiring.

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

applied for the wrong scholarship and wasted an opportunity to fly to New Zealand for study.

24. What’s your favourite store?

Food stores. Any of them. ARE MY FAVOURITE ahhahahhaha

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

Because I’m a muslim, I am against abortion. Here, in my country, abortion is done because it was done out of wedlock and they feel embarrassed. So, it irks me bcs if you can think to have sex, you can’t think that there is possibilities that you can get pregnant? And to kill your child bcs you wanted to cover it, is unacceptable. But again, it is personal choice.

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

I have a few but not enough to be a bucket.

27. Do you have a favourite album?

Honestly, if favourite means I have listened to all songs in that album, it’s EXO The War album.

28. What do you want for your birthday?

A freaking big plushie. I love to hug big plushies. But no one ever wanted to give me that for my birthday. And now, I’ve been searching for a big squirtle plushie or snorlax plushie (yes jackson and jaebum)

29. What are most people’s first impression of you?

okay this one lol they said I look scary and they thought I’d be the grumpy one. Well, if you meet me when I’m hungry, I have the tendency to be one.

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

I don’t know anymore. An aunt asked me “Are you the one who got married?” when it was my sister smh

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

next to my pillow bcs I need to charge it.

32. what word do you say the most?

me? I say “shit” a lot lol

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

well I would say I definitely date anyone as long as they are not the same age with my dad.

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

idk I never thought on dating a younger one. But if I do, maybe 4 years younger bcs damn, if I make it 10 years, my date would be 12 when me here is 22.

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

something which requires me to talk a lot.

36. What’s your favourite music genre?

K-Pop.

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

South Korea. New Zealand. Anywhere but Malaysia lol.

38. What is your current favourite song?

Say you won’t let go - James Arthur

39. How long have you had this blog for?

I had this blog for a few years. But just becoming active just recently hmm I don’t know the exact date. But I know it started after I interacted with @prettywordsyouleft

40. What are you excited for?

Food. and sponsored vacation

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

A better talker. but also a pretty good listener

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

Last sunday, i climbed a 200m hill to get to the view point. It got me panting like a dying cow.

43. What do you want for Christmas?

While I don’t celebrate Christmas, I welcome gifts. Any gifts would be fine lol (make sure its food)

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

High school? Chemistry. College? Mathematic. Now? Nothing hahahahaha

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

5 and exhausted but tomorrow? 10 BECAUSE A JINYOUNG IS COMING

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

10 years I just hope that I am already working and saving money to go on vacations and can sponsor my family on vacations too.

47. When did you first get your heartbreak?

2009 when I discovered that dad has another wife. I was 12 and just got my exam result but dad wasn’t there. He was never present for any of my achievements in school. Turns out he has another child the same age as me and he puts her before me. Since I was born, I was always put second.

2011 when I liked a guy but he hated me awh teenagers. He said I’m too fat and how dare a fat girl like me tries to like him? He was my first love.

48. At what age do you want to get married?

When I am ready. I have a dream wedding, so I would work hard for it to happen.

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

Idk I always change it lol today i’ll say teacher and next day I’ll say ballerina. Yes I spent my whole school life giving different careers when teachers asked me.

50. What do you crave right now?

Food bcs I’m on diet and hell those food porns are getting on my nerves.

Phew it was a good time answering all these questions and it drains my energy lol. So for this, hmm I don’t know who to tag. But i’ll go with this one @sevenpeaches @riceeater22 @tuanyiems @kpopchangedme @kpopstories @starhibiki @ongsung @sehunsmybae (yes I always saw you) and everyone who want to do this! of course, you are not forced to do this

#jinyoungmoans join tagging game

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autorobotcollectorx · 5 years

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A Problem With The Furby Community

THIS IS A RANT DRAMA AHEAD

This is the only post i will be making on the drama

Hello everyone before i start i want to address a few things here.If you are mentally ill and unable to resolve conflicts in a respectful and understanding manner you have no place or right to be an admin of a group.I hope you get help and become a better person whatever anyone is going threw right now i know you can be well again.You can do it.But that does not give anyone an excuse to be toxic and rude towards others.

I have been accused of being a scammer and its been effecting me so negatively lately especially with sales when people slander my name like this.I have memory issues and i had forgotten i had to pay people i even made a post about it today.How i felt bad that i had lost track of people i owed money too ect.I have paid one person already and i am making sure to get everything to everyone who has either bought a furby from me or i have commissioned.A scammer would not take the time to make sure everyone is happy and paid off mind you.

I had actually commissioned Root(maker of the podge furbys) a year ago and i have been more then patient with them.They disappeared without notice in the middle of the commission as well which was very unprofessional.Yesterday they suddenly canceled and called me a scammer asking me to not contact them anymore.Instead of talking this out they chose to bring up past grudges on me and not even care to listen to anything i had to say on the matter..Over this post/vent i had made.

“Hey i wanted to talk about this because its really bothering me.I suffer from schizophrenia and most of the time i forget allot of things even days at times and it effects my sales such as furby sales.I don’t have a job so i have been selling my items so i can afford to feed myself and get my medication and i have found looking threw my messages that i still need to ship items out.I sent those people messages and i can get them shipped this week if i have a ride(i cannot drive).But i am falling into a depression because its just never enough i dont make much and idk what to do.Once i pay people off and get items sent off i will have only $10.I am anxious as well because i need to find someone to drive me out tomorrow to ship items but i dont have many friends.The last thing i want to do is upset people because the furby community have helped me allot its become the biggest thing helping me cope with my medical and physical issues i have been having.If i didn’t have this community i would be at risk physically and i just want to make friends and get these furbs to their new homes.I’m forgetting days at a time and i don’t know i feel like a burden right now“

They responded with this in an email.

““Hello, I am terminating these commission talks for several reasons, but most particularly your recent post to tumblr (included below for your reference). I am not comfortable proceeding with these commission talks when you're in such a vulnerable space financially & otherwise, and I am not sure why you misrepresented your ability to commission my art to me, as I am also a disabled artist with limited personal resources. Between this, your inappropriate demand for my emotional labor at my personal social media, and your past history of scamming (for which I removed you from the Furby community discord server, and only today found out that you are that person), I am uncomfortable engaging with you further. I will not willingly sell to you, and I'm asking you to not contact me again. Sincerely, Root

With the first part they pretend to act like they care about my current financial struggles but then go on to talk about their disabilities like it over rides me essentially putting themselves on a high horse.After they talk about my “inappropriate demand for my emotional labor at my personal social media”Because i sent them something along the lines of “Hey can i get some advice on something”In which they responded with a paragraph of how they are physically ill/mentally ill and cannot handle others baggage.I found that be be highly unnecessary and inappropriate myself due to how simple of a question i asked of them.They clearly were trying to guilt me for asking a simple question due to their emotional vulnerability at that moment in time.They could have just said “no thank you i am sure someone closer to you can help” I just thought i could use an opinion so that is why i asked for their help.Lastly i have NO past history of scamming i had a bad time with someone over $15 and they forced paypal to refund them the $15 they were owed from me.That is why i got banned from robotchat and all the furby discords and yes this is very unfair to me.Root acknowledges that they still have a grudge on me and i find it to be a very unhealthy mindset to have especially since i have never done anything to them personally.Also i did have the money to pay them for my commission in full even though it was going to leave me with $10 i wanted to support them as an artist regardless of the mistreatment they handed me in the past.

They did get me blocked from the furby discord over slander against me before BY THIS ONE ADMIN and i had forgiven them.I just wanted to support them as an artist but they did not even attempt to try and talk things threw with me and understand my views they really should not have the right to be an admin with this bias.Also it is NEVER OKAY to use your mental or physical illness as an excuse to be toxic like this.

Sometimes i just feel like no one likes me and i get depressed and distressed sofdshrinere just has a personal and very unhealthy hatred for me.I am a pacifist and i try to forgive but i feel like the only one trying most of the time.This community is suppose to be innocent welcoming of everyone and kind but its really turned on me.

It is unfair that i cannot be apart of any discord because they are ALWAYS one of the admins and they have this bias towards me.

Thank you for all the support and i really do hope the best for them i hope they get help for they mental and physical issues.I have gotten help for mines and i am not medicated and in a healthier mindset.Please send good vibes their way for me and PLEASE do not harass them over this i just wanted to make this public and hopefully resolve these issues.

#allfurby #furby #drama

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pinkykitten · 5 years

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Nooo honey, don't you say that. You're an awesome writer, underrated as hell. I was gonna request a bunch of things but I didn't really know what I wanted. I'll probably drop some in later today or tomorrow, if I still can. Also planning on being part of the MARVEL Endgame celebration, I'm just afraid to open my requests because I'm a horrible procrastinator and I'm always afraid I'll disappoint people.

omg r u actually talking to me?!?! im sorry im like love your writing, you’re talked in our household. like my sister said that she loves the way this red little person on tumblr writes and she showed me you and im like omg i love her writing as well! so its surprising like you would even know about my blog (of course u prob would with me tagging u in almost everything cringily idek if thats a word prob not) anyways hi, thank you for the lovely things you say it means a lot to me since i really like your writing.

I always see my writing as like meh, its okay, its not quite how I want it. Some stories are better than others for me. And I’m always open to learning. To growing especially in something I love so much. I’ve always enjoyed writing since I was a child and reading (ugh i love reading so much like ill prob die with a book lol) The thing is I don’t so much need all the followers, because I know that will never happen. I have learned to be humble about things like that. And to let you in on a little secret I don’t think (idk if this even is a secret) my writing is that good that it deserves all followers or like even like a thousand tbh when I first started this I thought I was gonna have 10 and thats it. And 10 was so much for me because I’m like thinking in my head 10 frickin ppl actually like what I’m posting i mean i know some of them are like porn bots and stuff but still!

I just like to engage with my followers, with the ppl, with my peeps because I want to make them happy. There are days when I feel high (yeah man jk) when I feel happy and encouraged and there are days when I feel discouraged about my writing but I think of course thats normal with writing and whatever you’re writing. I just had high expectations that it was gonna be a celebration and that people would request all the time. I was ready and kinda felt stupid waiting here by my computer like the whole day awaiting a request, just one. I already wrote one of my own to get the ball rolling so maybe I will be the one to do all the stories. Who knows? That would make me a little sad because like I said I wanted a celebration.

Also its hurts my feelings because I have a life. I have a big family I have to tend to. I have personal things in my life that I have to get to. I also have not been feeling good at all these past couple of days yet I sit here wanting to write for not just them but just wanting to write and write their request because then ppl get mad or inpatient. I just want ppl to be happy on my blog, thats it! if ppl aren’t happy then I feel like kinda like a monster. so if i dont get requests again today i will just go thru it, its not like i havent. i mean what more could i do?

lol you don’t need to request if you don’t want to. I don’t want you to feel now obliged to do it cause I was sulking lol. But you should totally do a marvel thing as well you would be amazing at it and I would totally participate in whatever you were to do. I did @ardentmuse quiz and let me say that was the best quiz ever it was amazing!!!! so to see all types of writers doing things for marvel first off makes me wanna cry lol and its so much fun cause thats like my fav fandom. But I get what you mean about procrastinating. I kinda do that too lol. Thats my thing too tho! See you get me! I’m afraid I’ll disappoint ppl. Thats me to a T! Thats my fear, and I feel like I sometimes do. Idk my feelings are just all over the place. I usually don’t speak about my feelings on tumblr because I don’t want ppl to think oh she wants to play the victim or look she wants attention. I don’t want any of that. literally u guys should see me writing this im like wrapped up in my blanket wanting to like die in a hole. i feel my feelings are so cringy and like MS. WRITER NOBODY CARESSSSSS!!!! lol but i don’t want like attention at all thats not what im going for at. all. i just want if someone who is also writing has the same feelings as me and they stumble on this blog and read this post and it encourages them or uplifts them in any way.

just know writers that are famous on here and writers that are starting out, or just writers on here. You matter! You are doing something so difficult and something tedious and awesome. I feel us writers make imagination real. People give us a request and we make it happen for them. Thats hard in itself yet we all have that power to do it. Thank you writers, and you know what if they ask for payment to their writing DON’T JUDGE THEM! DONT HATE! just like you would pay for art well this is art and if they ask for you to pay just pay. Again thank you writers, and thank you darlings that do uplift me and that do read my stuff and that do request I SEE YA!

and thank you to my big sis cuz she reads my stuff, I love you to infinity and beyond. u r the best sister ever!

#ms.writer talks #ask #personal #about me #@thatlittlered #omg i still cant believe they sent this to me #also i feel like this is like a letter if i were to die so depressing smh

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shibyn · 5 years

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and the wind sounds like the world’s sigh

persona 4 & 5 | shiho-centric, investigation team Near the end of May, Shiho transfers to a sleepy town called Inaba for a fresh start. However, Inaba isn’t the sleepy town her parents thought would be best for her— its on edge with unsolved mysteries, and Shiho finds that there’s a bit more behind what meets the eye regarding some of her classmates and a TV screen.

chapter 2 | 3.8k | ao3

Shiho smiles. She tries to force her grip on her phone to loosen up, even just a bit, so her knuckles don't creak against it. In the classroom beside her, Morooka shouts loud enough she's sure the whole school can hear him. It makes her tense up a bit-- he wasn't that pleasant of a teacher first impression wise. He had scoffed when she walked into the teacher's office, and he grumbled the whole way to the classroom. She just hopes today's an off day for him.

Shiho jerks awake as thunder cracks outside her window. The shutters rattle outside, and she can feel her bones vibrating with the resonance. Sheets of rain crash against her window, deafening, yet a mere white noise compared to the thunder. Sudden alarm hums in her veins, and she groans, knowing she won't sleep anytime soon. Her mom told her about this, hadn't she--? The neighbor warned there was going to be a storm tonight. There's been a lot of storms recently, her mom recalled the neighbor's words. She rolls on her side and tries burying her head in blankets and pillows so it could maybe muffle it all, but it's fruitless. The air still cracks with the thunder and her whole room is lit with a flash. A dread settles in her bones when she looks towards her closet door. The Yasogami uniform hangs on the door handle like a mourning flag. The yellow looks solemn in the dark, occasionally illuminated a sickly glow by the lightning outside. She hadn't tried it on, yet-- it felt like an acceptance of her fate if she did, but-- really? She's already here. Might as well deal with it. Yet-- and yet-- The buzz of her phone is sudden, even in the noise around her. She feels around for it-- her hand eventually brushes against the plastic case underneath her pillow, and she pulls it out. Clicking it on, the brightness nearly blinds her for a moment, even though it's on its lowest setting. Ann [1:42 A.M.] hhhhhhhhhh inui's gonna killl meeeee i dont care about the ancient olympics >:// can fail this test ,, pls,, i havent slept in days,,, Shiho snorts despite herself. The sky rumbles outside, and she keys out a response. Shiho [1:43 A.M.] idk... if you started earlier you could've had more time to sleep :// Ann [1:43 A.M.] what are u doing up young lady u better be going back to sleep and dont give me that!! u know my heart is dedicated to rewatching sailor moon Shiho [1:43 A.M.] says the one who messaged me sailor moon would want you to forgo watching her show and to study Ann [1:44 A.M.] have u even SEEN sailor moon? shed be in the same boat im in She's miles away, miles and miles away. It-- god, it's going to be awful, tomorrow-- Ann won't be there. She won't be there, she won't be there waiting at the metro, she won't greet her in the mornings with the smile that lights the days. She doesn't want to go, she can't go, she doesn't know anyone there, she doesn't want to go-- Shiho takes in a steadying breath. Her phone buzzes even though she hadn't responded. Ann [1:44 A.M.] ur first day is tomorrow, yeah? hows the uniform? Shiho [1:45 A.M.] [image attached] what are your words, oh fashion goddess Ann [1:45 A.M.] hm.... it'll look cute on u definitely one hell of a uniform... doesnt beat shujin plaid, tho ;)) have u gotten any sleep? Shiho [1:45 A.M.] I have, worry about yourself !! I dont wanna go The uniform looms in the corner of her eyes. She's tired, so tired, her knees ache, she wants to go home. But now this is home-- this house, in the middle of nowhere, Inaba, filled with moving boxes and tense silences and unspoken thoughts. It's been like that since she left the hospital, even at the old apartment back in Tokyo, and-- when has home felt like home? Ann [1:46 A.M.] i know im sorry ill be here for ya, yeah? just one year there you can do it!! Shiho squeezes her phone. She wishes she could have an ounce of the confidence Ann has for her. — Ann [8:14 A.M.] so?? first impressions?? Shiho [8:14 A.M.] its,, like any other school? maybe smaller than shujin? i might just be use to having the school smack dab in the center of the city, tho Ann [8:14 A.M.] isnt it just hills and hills out there?? god... its kinda spooky to think about that... no crazy tall buildings within miles... Shiho [8:15 A.M.] hey, i think it's pretty quant out here Shiho smiles. She tries to force her grip on her phone to loosen up, even just a bit, so her knuckles don't creak against it. In the classroom beside her, Morooka shouts loud enough she's sure the whole school can hear him. It makes her tense up a bit-- he wasn't that pleasant of a teacher first impression wise. He had scoffed when she walked into the teacher's office, and he grumbled the whole way to the classroom. She just hopes today's an off day for him. Ann [8:15 A.M.] sure, sure how does it feel?? being one with nature?? ahh the cool spring breeze, the pollutionless air--!! Shiho [8:15 A.M.] i think that pollution is finally messing with your head Ann [8:15 A.M.] HEY!!! The door slides open abruptly beside her, making her jump and nearly launch her phone down the hall. She shoves it quickly into her pocket, swiping at her skirt for dirt that wasn't there. Morooka sneers, which looks kinda strange with his overbite. "You kids these days and your damn phones..." he spits, and stalks back to the podium without another word. Her hands shake, so she clenches them to keep them still. She takes a deep breath, thinking, please let this be a woke-up-on-the-wrong-side-of-bed morning, and steps in after him. The first thing she notices is that the class is dead silent. They stare at her owlishly, and briefly, she thinks something's wrong. Is her uniform crooked? Backwards? Inside out--? Her hair weird? The humidity might've made it flick up in weird places-- She spent so long this morning making sure everything was alright, though it was more out of an anxious habit rather than to make a good impression-- Was-- was she walking weird? She straightens her back, eyes focused on her feet, right, left, right, left, one after the other-- she didn't think her limp was bad today-- Her fingernails bite into her palm and stands beside Morooka's podium. It's okay, it'll be okay, she thinks like a mantra, trying hard not to show her nerves. She won't--can't-- let something like being introduced to class let her stumble. They're looking because they're curious, she reasons, which does a significant amount to reducing the tension in her back, they're not looking because they're malicious. They're not looking because you walk weird. They're not. It's okay.

"Lets hurry an' get this over with before I waste any more of my time," Morooka says, scowling in her direction. The tension regrows along her spine from his scrutiny. Just as she opens her mouth to introduce herself, he cuts her off-- "Due to some trashy circumstances, this kid's been tossed to this dump not even a quarter through the stinkin' year. Couldn't even wait till the end of the semester, huh?" He looks towards her, as if actually asking her.

Her limbs suddenly feel like they're locking up under his mocking glare. Her mouth goes dry. Is this for real? she thinks, a bit astounded, because wouldn't the teachers here be warned of-- "I..." she starts, maybe to say something back, because he's looking at her like he wants an answer. But-- what is there to say? What answer can she give? She doesn't want to be here, he doesn't want her to be here, so-- Is this what it was like for Akira? Shiho thinks fleetingly, glancing towards her new classmates yet not at all-- none of them wear an expression, an indication, even a hint of what she should do-- he-- he had it so much worse, didn't he? People thought he was awful before he even stepped foot in the school-- "Well? Hurry an' tell them who ya are." He sounds agitated. He motions back towards the class like it's a dismissal. Shiho chews on the inside of her cheek and tries to steel her nerves. "I'm. I'm Suzui Shiho," she says, trying not to trip up with all the eyes on her, "It's nice to meet you." "You shits better not think about tryin' anything funny," Morooka says abruptly, his eyes darting from boy to boy with a nasty glare. "She's comin' straight from Tokyo, and while that place is a shithole and full of assholes, none of you baboons can measure up. I better not see any funny business goin' on later!" Are— are teachers allowed to curse this much? Shiho blinks, glancing towards him. She doesn't know whether or not to be grateful-- it's hard to tell with the mix of insults in his words. No one in the class looks put-off by his word choice, which doesn't exactly help. "You, you're gonna sit over there," he says, motioning vaguely in the direction of the second to last row of desks, near the door. She takes this as her leave, trying not to acknowledge the eyes following her as she sits down in her seat. The girl next to her is silent, staring openly, chin propped up in her hand, eyes half-closed. Some people towards the front of the class crane around in their seats, peering at her. She tries to ignore the stares, the whispers that quietly arise, and she twiddles her thumbs. This is awful, awful-- Soon enough, Morooka starts teaching (can she call it that? it's more aggressive than any teacher she's ever seen-- Ushimaru can’t even top it) and focus is shifted off her for a while. She slips her phone out of her pocket, trying to discreetly hide the fact that she's on it. Honestly-- she doesn't care. Her body's too tense and high strung and she really just wants to see Ann. Ann [8:16 A.M.] shiho? ya still there? Shiho [8:24 A.M.] I think my homeroom teacher beats ryuji in terms of how much he swears Ann [8:24 A.M.] oh!! did u just get introduced to your class!! how was it!! Shiho [8:24 A.M.] not. the best? i kinda just want the day to be over aren't you meant to be focusing on class Ann [8:25 A.M.] youre much more important than whatever ushimarus talking about :// besides!! u say that as if we didnt text each other during class time at all !! be sure to message me when your break and lunch is!! ill try to keep messages in those time so i dont get ya in trouble so early on so!! im gonna go radio silent for now so ya dont get scolded good luck!! ♥♥ message me if ya need anything!!! The corners of her mouth lift up ever so slightly. — Shiho's never been one for being the center of attention. It was just a guarantee, being quiet-natured and friends with a foreign-looking student that everyone seemed to have a vendetta against. Ann's always been the one to dispel unwanted attention previously, too. But she's not here-- so when a couple of students crowd around her desk after class ends, she can feel herself freezing up. "So, you're from Tokyo, too!" One peppy girl says, her hair pulled into a half pony tail. "What chance! It's so rare to get transfers here in the same year! And for them to be from Tokyo!" "I wonder if it's gonna be a trend, like more people from the city will come flooding in," the girl with glasses says. "How's the jump, huh?" The boy who sits in front of her asks, sitting backwards in his seat to face her. She bristles at the question, ice creeping in her veins. He grins innocently, to which she realizes of course they wouldn't know, don't worry, its just weird phrasing, "Seta-san didn't say much about it. What about you? From the city to the middle of nowhere?" Its quiet for a beat, and Shiho really wished they weren't looking at her. "It's... alright, I mean," Shiho says slowly, trying to choose words that aren't too strong in feeling. She had lived in Tokyo for her whole life, and the countryside is so, so different, but she doesn't know how to explain the feeling to these people. She doesn't think any of them will really understand what it's like to be plunged into silence after being surrounded by noise her whole life. "It's... kinda nice being able to see an actual hillside when I walk around, though?" The girl with glasses giggles at her response. "Nature over industry, right? Seta-san adjusted pretty quickly, so I don't think it should be a problem for you!" Well, sure. But that's also Seta-san. Seta-san probably wasn't booted from his home, his friends, his life, all because of the decisions that were outside of his reach, and then dumped off in a place so different, so far away from all he's known. She isn't Seta-san, and she doesn't want to be here. Shiho smiles instead and pinches the back of her hand. "Hopefully." "Have you had the chance to wonder around Inaba yet?" the boy in front of her asks idly. Shiho briefly wonders how long break is, so she doesn't have to sit through much longer of this. She wishes this could just end. She wishes the day would end. "I have," she says, trying to ward off the strain in her spine. "Um, I didn't get to see much, though. We only went to a noodle place, really, which wasn't far..." "Oh! You mean Shishio's Noodle Bar?" One of the girl chimes. Shiho can only nod yes, because she doesn't really know what place it was and it seemed like the proper thing to say. "I love that place! They just put the right amount of sauce on, and the perfect amount of meat in!" the girl gushes, "There's tons of independent restaurants around here, and all of them are incredible!! You really need to try them all, Suzui-san!" Shiho tries to say something back, maybe like the noodles were great or what are your favorite places or just ok, because that seems like the things to say, she can't just give up having an okay school year here just because she doesn't want to be here, right? Even if her skin is crawling at the prospect of conversation with strangers. Ann would want her to try, wouldn't she? And besides, these people-- they're trying to make the effort to talk to her, she has to at least respond. Maybe they want to be friends? But— she finds herself drowned out the second she opens her mouth. "Oh, have you been to the Steak House recently?" the glasses girl asks, unknowingly right over Shiho's quiet words, "they added a new flavor and a kebob option! It's super tasty!" "No way! I gotta try some now! You wanna come with me after school?" "Definitely! You wanna come, Asahi?" "Oh, hell yeah! I'd never pass up going to that place!" "We can go if it's not raining after school. I swear, all it's been doing is raining! Some spring it is..." "It's karma! We didn't get much snow, so now we have tons of rain." Ah. Suddenly, it's like a void has grown around her and the people lounging on the desks around her. She knows these people are trying, maybe, trying to welcome her here, to make her not feel lonely, maybe to be friends, but-- she doesn't feel there, not physically, with people talking all around her, and-- She squeezes her phone. It'd be rude to pull it out and text Ann, wouldn't it? These people seem nosey, they might ask her who-- "Ah, isn't the Steak House near where the police are hanging out, though?" The boy asks solemnly, arms crossed over the back of his chair. "The street might be blocked off, since they're investigating every corner of Inaba." The glasses girl grumbles aloud. "What a pain! I swear, they're just everywhere now-a-days, especially since Tatsumi went missing..." Tatsumi. Shiho remembers that name. She remembers the police officer asking her and her father, in the dark of night, if they knew where the kid was. Wasn't he a student at Yasogami? These-- these people don't seem particularly alarmed that he's missing. "I, uh--" Shiho starts, curiosity bubbling out of her. Should she even ask-- well-- it's a little late to recoil, with the curious expression on the boy's face and the two girls peering at her. She swallows, and starts again. "I-- who... who is Tatsumi Kanji?"

The reaction... isn't what she expected, if she's being truthful. The boy's mouth twists into a brief sneer, the girls scowling. It's like she spoke words of taboo, and not someone's name. "Tatsumi? He's just a punk." The boy waves it off, like he isn't someone missing. "All he knows how to do is pick a fight. Some first year asshole-- thought he was on top of the school..." "Don't worry about him, Suzui-san," one girl says politely, yet it's the furthest thing from it, "he's probably off with a gang doing who knows what-- drugs, getting drunk, whatever. He's total a creep." And. And it hits her like how it was with Akira. She remembers dimly, words of warning, pointing fingers, averted gazes, all regarding a transfer student with curly hair and dorky glasses, don't speak to him, he's a criminal, you know? Akira only wanted to live quietly, and yet-- his whole life in Tokyo, shattered, from day one. Yet-- yet he was nothing like what people said, he wasn't a bad person. Ann trusts him, trusts him wholeheartedly. She told Shiho that he's exactly the dork that he looks like, he loves Big Bang burger challenges, he loves cats, he's a prankster, he-- he didn't deserve to have everyone scorn him-- And she remembers the quiet confession of Mishima to her, his hands shaking violently, eyes glassed over, he told me to. He told me to ruin Kurusu's life, to share the criminal records. All because of Kamoshida-- Shiho doesn't know Tatsumi Kanji, doesn't know if he's actually a creep or a punk or an asshole, but he's still missing. Shouldn't-- shouldn't they in the least care--? "Hey, lay off." They all turn— there's a group of kids sitting in the middle section of the classroom, two of them glaring. The two glaring are both brunettes, and there's a black-haired girl trying to divert their attention, with quiet 'don't start a fight, you guys--' yet with a hard look in her eyes, and a gray-haired boy sitting down, a mix of a scowl and a simple frown on his face. His eyes are sharp, but he's not stand-offish as the other two. A girl scowls in front of her. "What are you talking about, Hanamura?" "Tatsumi isn't some creep or asshole. All of you just are judging him without knowing who he really is," the brunette girl says, fists clenched by her sides. "I don't know about that," the boy in front of her says languidly, "Don't you know the kind of deals he's been making with those biker gangs? He's a delinquent, through-and-through." The brunette boy looks ready to retaliate, but the bell cuts him off before he can start. The people around her disperse, her seat mate returns, and class starts. Shiho fiddles with her phone, and wants to leave. — Shiho resorts to fleeing from the classroom when lunch begins, hoping to avoid any curious classmates and to maybe figure her way around the building. She opted out for lunch, anyways-- she left the box on the counter, knowing that she might not be able to eat with her stomach roiling with nervous energy from being in this school. The halls are sparse with students. Some talking, some wandering, some staring. She bristles, knowing she’s like a sore thumb in this school-- in Inaba, really, which is apparently so countryside that a new family moving in was about the most intriguing thing around. That can’t possibly be true-- sure, Inaba wasn’t big, the high school even smaller, but there’s no way that this community was so tightly knit that everyone knew everyone so anyone outside of the goddamn place was the most interesting person around, with stories of places so far away. There’s a train station here, it can’t be like there’s no outsiders around. She just wishes Ann was responding so she could keep her attention off the lingering looks and curious glances. She heads up a flight of stairs, trying to scope a library she might be able to stake out lunch in for the rest of the school year. It’s always quiet in the library, and hopefully it’ll keep any students from trying to talk to her. Especially with just being there, in the classroom, surrounded but alone, included but only because of proximity-- she doesn’t think she has the guts to really talk with anyone today, anyways. She might not have the guts to talk in the next few weeks-- she’s never been the new kid, never been in a different house, never not been surrounded by busy streets, she’s only known her home in Tokyo. She can’t find the library or any club rooms, which is kinda strange. Maybe they’re on the first floor? There’s another set of stairs ahead of her; it’s either the rooftop, or another floor that might have them. She doesn’t see anyone else heading up, so it must be the roof? Ah. Well, she’s still got time to explore. The roof might be a place of solitude if the library isn’t. Kinda ironic, she thinks fleetingly, footsteps quiet as she goes up. The hallway is bright with light from a set of doors-- it’s the roof. There’s no signs or anything to keep students out, so Yasogami must be one of those schools where the roofs are open. Shujin wasn’t, but it’s not like anyone really cared. She briefly wonders how things would be if they did. She opens the door, and the wind immediately seems to pick up the second she does, sending her hair whipping around behind in her pony tail. The air’s weighty with rain soon to come, but it’s only fairly cloudy out. Ah, wow-- the roof is clean, free of abandoned desks and instead has an applaudable amount of solar panels set up. There’s a couple of students up here already, talking amongst themselves and picking at bento boxes resting on their laps. It’s a big, open space. It’s nearly strange not to see tall buildings blotting out the sky, or casting long shadows over the rooftop. It sets the roof as a whole different entity in her mind-- her knees ache, but not in the same crippling way they did on Shujin’s, when she stood up there with Ann and Akira and tried to keep face while looking down. It’s bright, clean, and she can see the sky. So. Maybe it is a kind of fresh start. She still hates Inaba and wants to be back in Tokyo, but hey, it’s something.

#persona 5 #p5 #persona 4 #p4 #persona #shiho suzui #ann takamaki

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