#i've put the most effort possible into applying so it's out of my hands now and all i can do is wait

[la-galaxie-langblr]

So Much happening, lots of it good but So Much

#i'm on track to finish a draft of one of my essays tn #so tomorrow morning I need to proofread and submit and then get cracking on my second essay #got a linguistics society event tomorrow and then going to the theatre with my flatmate :D #then thursday is crunch time to finish essay 2 that needs to be submitted on friday #heading to a sleepover with my friend who goes to uni an hour away and on sat we're doing a day trip to a nearby city #then next week is also A Lot but that's too far in the future for now #i also saw a job advertised at my old workplace today which i applied for so really hope i get that #the job hunt has not gone well so far #it would just be embarrassing if i didn't get my old job #also learned some exciting things about my module choices next year and my year abroad in 3rd year :D #and let's not forget that hot enby language summer approaches!! #but yeah if I get a job lined up for summer I can basically stop stressing about a lot of things #but waiting for that to fall into place is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #i've put the most effort possible into applying so it's out of my hands now and all i can do is wait #this is just the same as waiting for results day last year lol #ellis exclaims

[dduane]

hello, hope you and Peter are doing well! I wanted to ask a question that almost certainly has been asked before: How do you go about ensuring that a creative project is sustainable/has 'wings' before diving into it? (I'm thinking less of outlining here and more the step before that - assessing how much meat's on the creative bone and what your appetite is, so to speak)

Well, the first thing I'd have to define is what exactly "sustainable" means. "Capable of being started and finished in some medium or other"? That might enter into the equation eventually... but not instantaneously.

There'll be times when a concept arrives in my creative space within a matter of seconds—like someone poured it into my head out of a jug—or times when it seeps in quietly over a matter of days, until eventually some critical number or volume is surpassed and there's enough of it to register as Something New To Do That Could Be Fun*. In either case I normally have at least a few minutes to work out whether anybody but me is ever likely to want to read or view this thing, and (if so) what medium it seems to belong in.

This process I usually refer to as "weighing [something] in the hand of the mind." And here you can insert video of an insert on a woman's hand holding a half kilo bag of sugar, bouncing it up and down a little to see if it's really half a kilo, or just kinda feels like it.

What I have to confess here, though, is that I have no idea how I do this, or from what my skill at the process derives.

Maybe just a lot of practice? Trial and error? As over forty years there've been more than fifty books, and a whole lot of animation, and a bunch of screenplays, not to mention the comics and computer games and audio adaptations and other whatnot. I've had a while to learn when a story will make an okay screenplay but not necessarily a book (or vice versa); or whether something's better as a novella or novelette, rather than as a novel based on a core concept that, like butter over too much bread, is going to wind up looking and feeling like what Bilbo would have described as "thin and stretched".

I really wish I could more clearly quantify the elements that make up one of these assessments. Every piece of work I embark on goes through one. Some attention's paid to the number of characters, the depth of the emotional interactions, the proposed in-story timeline, and the relative size and weight of the plot's payoff... and how all these balance against one another. But once this evaluation has been made, it's then possible to slot the project into the work schedule—and pray that nothing else interferes with it.

Because of course something may. The most severe form of these idea-arrival events doesn't give you a chance to evaluate anything at all. It just grabs you by the scruff of the neck and dumps you in front of the nearest device or material that can be used for writing and says, in a voice that will brook no dissent, "HI THERE YOU'RE WRITING THIS NOW AND IT WILL BE FUN!" (It'll say this even though that may not, strictly speaking, be true.) I thank great Thoth that this isn't that common an occurrence, because it tends to play merry hell with everything you're supposed to be doing during that period. ...Yet the effects can be good. The Door Into Fire did this to me. So have other projects I can't discuss due to NDAs.

Possibly the best note to wind up on here is that Sturgeon's Law applies. If 90% of all sf/fantasy stories are crap, as Ted said, then so are 90% of all their core ideas. (Or so it seems to me.) Any writer who's been doing this work for any length of time will have many, many story ideas in a given day... and know that only a small percentage of them are worth considering for more than a few minutes, or even seconds. Ideas are easy. It's execution that's hard— that costs you weeks and months and sometimes years of effort and sweat; of taking things apart and putting them back together in different shapes and hunting down just the right word.

If you're embarking on this kind of lifestyle: may luck go with you. (Because sometimes even very good work falls afoul of very bad luck.) ...But keep your hopes up: and keep working.

HTH!

*There are other forms of this surprise attack, including the one @petermorwood went through one time that was triggered by a chance line dropped by a studio executive we were having lunch with in the Paramount commissary. Without warning—and after the fact he was as surprised as everybody else—P. commenced to freestyle a series pitch so good that the lunch went on for three hours while it unfolded. Tl:dr; the series got bought and then ran aground on the financial rocks secondary to 9/11. ...But that's a saga for another day.

#writing #writing advice #or just vague hints

[repo-net]

updated ver: aoyama nakazke

How long has it been since I posted about an OC, let alone one that isn't from my bag of wrestling characters? A couple of years now?

Well, never mind all that. I've been in a strong writing mood as of late (it's more or less just me trying to get back into the hobby again while my schedule is freer than it was a month or so ago) and I thought I'd put down an updated and cleaner version of one of my older OCs; Aoyama Nakazke. The older post for him can be found here, if you have some sort of interest in checking that out.

He used to be solely a Danganronpa OC (and the context of his backstory is still minorly reliant on Hope's Peak being a thing), but I've admittedly fallen out of that genre a little bit as of late (not completely mind you, why else would the sage is still the entire theme of my blog?), so now he's more or less just a general OC that can be put in just about any verse.

Well, anyways. The lad's under the cut, so go check it out if you're interested.

Picrew link

Name: Aoyama Nakazke

Gender: Male

Age: 19

Height: 5'2" / 158cm

Weight: 128lbs / 58kg

Birthday: May 8 (I forgot why I gave him this birthday, but it has something significant to do with basketball)

Talent: Street Baller

Likes: Cola bottles / most kinds of street food - Cats - Mikel Jordin (???) - Having his hair stroked (generally by people he likes)

Dislikes: Strong fires - Authority figures - Tacky clothing - Getting shoved/slapped/any form of physical disrespect

Appearance:

Aoyama is a rather short boy with a youthful face; making it easy to mistake him to be younger than he actually is. He has light brown eyes and fair white skin, and styles his dark gray hair into short upswept spikes, with two pigtails tied together with black ribbons. When they’re let down, his hair reaches all the way to his shoulders, though he rarely ever does this outside of his own home or in the middle of a shower. (Small tidbit: he chose the dark color for the ribbons to have them blend in with his hair as much as possible)

Aoyama’s attires for everyday use consists of a long and baggy sleeved, black hoodie jacket that has a puffy interior within it, made to maximize the amount of comfort he can feel. Underneath the hoodie is a maroon shirt patterned with black vertical stripes, with the same design being applied to his socks. His shorts have a similar color scheme, with predominant maroon and black accents around the waist area and the edges of the cloth, and maroon sneakers that are topped with white shoelaces. This is usually his outfit while at his home, or if he plans on playing basketball within the day.

If he’s out and about, he makes the slightest bit of effort to change it up; although not by much, as he tries not to stand out among a crowd and would only really put in this ‘effort’ for someone he likes. This alternative outfit has Aoyama don a crimson and black undershirt with a silver leather jacket, and black pants kept in place with a belt. Both the jacket and his pants have plenty of pockets for him to store items; and more importantly - his hands. He really likes idling with his hands in pockets somewhere.

He also changes his footwear a little, now a simple pair of pure crimson socks and black sneakers with red undertones and laces. Aside from his clothes, he’ll style his hair to make sure his three antennas don’t just pop out, thinking that they look ‘stupid’.

Underneath his clothes is a rather muscly and well-toned build, as expected of someone from his area being a street basketball player and all. There are also a few, not so distinct scars around his torso and back - all a product of his childhood.

Personality: 

Raised in the streets by himself and his talent, Aoyama is a stubborn and humble boy who seeks to get by in life as comfortably as he can. He's generally quiet off the court due to not wanting to really associate with anyone other than those he teams up with, and from a bit of deep insecurity that he isn't really worth more than what his talent can get him. 

His thoughts tend to be a little sarcastic and blunt, sometimes seeping out of his lips and getting blurted out. Aoyama generally tries to avoid anything that’ll start a confrontation though - especially if it’s getting him involved in one.

He's unpretentious and practically his own biggest hater, though he doesn't take well to disrespect, especially physical ones, and it’s likely he’ll instinctively throw a fist right at the source if he gets shoved, pushed around, etc. He's a little clueless when it comes to things like world knowledge and educational subjects, with his lifestyle while growing up playing a major part in that. 

Aoyama is incredibly loyal to those who he considers a friend and resents the idea of turning his back on someone; but his nature and roots as a street kid make it rather unavoidable for him to get in trouble from time to time, which has had him have to solve issues across different groups… at least, in the ways that he best can.

Backstory:

To say that Aoyama hated his childhood would be an understatement; but even so, he knows most of it came to be because he would rather walk through true hell than have to live in a fake heaven with demons.

Aoyama was an accident child by a shaky and collapsing couple in a rural farm close to the edge of Kushiro (an average town/city just north of Hokkaido) - both parents were not only poor but had also began to fall out of love for one another, sending the Nakazkes into a spiraling doom of debt and unwanted parental responsibility. Not having the means nor the funds to abort the child, they gave birth to him and left Aoyama to be raised by his grandparents, who would both shortly pass just before he turned 3 - the year he first started to remember and be conscious of his surroundings. 

Taking Aoyama back with them to their house, his parents began to take their frustrations and misery of their situation out on him, blaming him for the fact that they keep spending money because of him. Whenever he was at school, he didn’t have many friends; and his short stature and endearingly innocent face as a kid made him an easy target for bullies. Yet whenever he would fight back, he’d get punished as if he started the trouble itself. It didn’t help that he could never focus on school too - and his grades were ‘passable’ at best. 

Aoyama’s parents would constantly shelter him and refuse to ever let him out of the house, stopping him from eating too much, reasoning that if he gets full, he’ll become sleepy - and that if he became sleepy, he wouldn’t be able to study. After some point, Aoyama’s parents were no longer able to keep affording his tuition, which left his basic education level around merely the 4th grade. It wasn’t until he later got into Hope’s Peak that he was able to somewhat catch up.

Scars left on him by the whips and belts they’d strike him with, cold and heartless words that made him question why he was even alive, and constant hate that boiled and bubbled until he couldn’t take it anymore. After getting splashed with hot water by his father after he was caught trying to go outside and berating him, telling him that he’s wasting his life by trying to make it out of the house and that he’s only going to hurt himself like the idiot he is. Aoyama yells at the both of them, screaming and asking why they’re so mad at him when he never asked to be born, and that they’re saying that he’s wasting ‘his’ life…

When ‘his’ life was never his to begin with, because they’ve been dictating everything he’s been doing since the beginning, and that he hates it here, saying that he wishes he could just leave like they clearly want him to. His mother steps up, slaps him in the face and pulls him by the hair, dragging him back to their house. She tells him if he hates his life here so much, then why doesn’t he pick all his stuff up and leave? Aoyama’s eyes narrow for a second, but he grits his teeth, clenches his fists and storms off to pick up his own stuff. Both of his parents look shocked at the fact that Aoyama seemed absolutely on-board with the idea, but… if he wanted to leave their miserable life, when they knew he’d come crying back later on anyways… they’ll amuse him, they thought.

He never came back. He took a basketball, a stock of his clothes, the very little savings he had, and most importantly… what little money the Nakazke family had left and took it all for himself from his parents’ room and hid it away in a wallet he hid away between his shorts. And Aoyama barged out the door. Then he ran. And ran. And ran. And he just kept running, refusing to ever look back. If he felt thirsty or hungry, he’d buy a drink and a small snack to eat along the way. If he felt sleepy, he’d rest in an alley or a sidewalk under the night sky, using his bag as a makeshift pillow. And if he ever thought he’d want to go back home, he’ll kick himself in the foot and continue to run.

Aoyama didn’t know where he’d go. He doesn’t even know what his old house’s address was; and what side of the country he’d ended up in by then. But as long as it was far away, by himself, he was okay. And if he ever has to make money again so he can keep surviving long enough to prove those two nutcases wrong… he’ll pick up his ball, dribble it and gamble everything he has against another kid. It doesn’t matter if he gets pushed. It doesn’t matter if he gets hurt.

If someone shoves him, he’ll be able to shove them back. If someone tries to trick him, he won’t just look down and let it go. He’ll live. If only to spite them. If only so he never has to go back to them. And there were bumps, losses, moments of thievery and rumbling into street fights that he’d get into along the way. But he kept getting better and better, stronger and tougher, faster and sneakier. His height became a deceit for what was both a natural and honed gift for street basketball - skillful, agile, and a menace on the court that tore through enemy’s defenses and was speedy to the point that getting past him while he was guarding you felt infuriatingly impossible. Building himself from the bottom up, he was able to get scouted for local teams, make a proper wage for himself, a name was created, and soon enough on his phone, a call from prestige he could only peek through from a window had finally reached him.

Extras:

I got asked this a while back on a Discord server, and I thought I'd put it here too - Aoyama isn't exactly interested in romance (ball is life 💯). While he wouldn't say no to having a partner regardless of their identity, he grew up thinking that it's extremely corny and has a bit of a childish perspective, still half-convinced that cooties actually exist. But half the reason for that is because he's pretty socially inept and has trouble with showing and receiving affection outside of the one thing he's good at. The other half is because he doesn't even know what kind of people he's into and is still figuring things out, though he might have a bit of internalized homophobia having grown up in a somewhat conservative environment. It'd just take some convincing.

Aside from the likes listed above, Aoyama's into trap, hip-hop, and video game music. He's also more likely to hang around people that are rebellious and wild, even if he himself isn't a very loud and proud guy. Maybe it's just him wishing he'd have half the confidence they did. Oh, and he's a pretty frugal guy, tending to take the cheapest and most bang-for-your-buck options at almost anything he goes to.

"Is there anything outlandish he might have an interest in?" - Another question I answered on a server I used to be in. There might be one, actually! I gave it some thought, and I think he has a slight repressed fascination in cosplay! While he himself would never want to wear flashy clothing out in the open, thinking that it'd look ridiculous and cringey; ironically enough, he'd be open to trying it on by himself and pretending to be another person! That... stems from a bit of his insecurity about his own image (physically and mentally), but that is one thing someone who's close with him wouldn't expect for him to be drawn to. He'd probably isolate himself in embarrassment if you ever find out though, so maybe it's best you never find out about that.

#ocs: aoyama nakazke

[hasgudagudadoneanythingwrong]

It's me, the anon who wants to eat the rich, I've been considering what Izo said about attacking their profits and while burning down a factory may be possible for me its a bit too extreme for me to pull off easily, so can everyone put their brain cells together (including Maxwell) and help me come up with some plausible easily implementable ways?

Molotov into a factory is going to get me arrested and it means I can only do it maybe two or three times before I am forced to end my buffoonery.

...All hypothetical, of course, Mister NSA agent. It's all parody. :)

I don't quite think this is a question we can answer with any specifics in any kind of serious matter, but regardless of your scope of activity (even if it's strictly legal), this should be a good enough framework for you to start with to do your own homework. It's a bit more with the mundane in mind, but societal upheavals come with a lot of mundane problems to solve.

To elaborate on each point in a bit more detail though:

Reading: I'm not saying you need to study tons of literature and hard theory to figure out the perfect flawless system to put into place, but doing some more serious reading will help tremendously with envisioning what kind of system you actually want to replace the current one with, and in doing so, find more specific ways to enact the kind of change you want to see.

There are flashier ways to force change, like for example the joke about molotov'ing a factory, and it's still very important to note that yes the rich are motivated by profits and thus respond more to serious threats on their profits than their lives, but it's not just the surface-level quantities of cash that keep them in power, but the whole structure itself. Even if it doesn't feel like it, anything that moves reliance away from the authoritative/economic power imbalances that be and instead towards mutual community-sustained support networks to take care of everyone's needs, those are each a number of tiny pegs you're knocking down each time. A slow and perhaps mundane method, but a methodical death to the rich by removing their fuel, if you will.

Preparation: This applies to many things, from knowing the ins and outs of any subject matter you're tackling, but also having backup plans and supplies for any number of emergencies or crises. Particularly important here though I'd say, is making sure you have the kind of equipment you'd want ahead of time if things get rough, and I mean real rough. We can all hope for the best, but the fact of the matter is things might get really, really messy, and you don't want to be shopping online for gas masks and other protective gear only to find everything's sold out or indefinitely delayed. I'd recommend looking at protests in other countries for that (past or present) and see what you can learn from them, too. The Hong Kong protests in particular come to mind, but whatever works.

Networks: Fairly straightforward, but incredibly important. Not only can you not make a community effort without a community, but also, the more people you can get involved, the easier it'll be to pull things off. It all comes down to what specifically you're tackling of course, but not only can buddies help lend a hand or cover for you, but being in touch with people involved with whatever your target is can help too in planning whatever you're doing.

Subversion: Basically, creating the society you're looking for by subverting existing structures and replacing them with better, community-led structures instead. Whatever your ideal world looks like, it's not going to just poof into existence, not now, and not even if you pushed a button to magically kill all the 1% instantly. You don't need to wait for the signal to do your part of a revolution, just assume it's already started and get working.

-

Note: I may have my own thoughts on the matter, but if you're actually serious about any of this, I unfortunately can't help too much there as I don't exactly got the most experience or knowledge in this regard yet (and also it's stupid as hell to talk specifics of what you're doing online, anyway). But, I personally find An Anarchist FAQ to be a really good highly extensive resource for any number of questions you might have, especially as it helps answer a lot of vague doubts and gives a really good framework for developing your own ideas of what change might look like. Definitely just a book to skim the table of contents for what grabs your interest though, as it is quite hefty and even I've only barely scratched the surface of it. The rest of the site it's hosted on is pretty solid, too. Definitely give the place a look-over when you can.

#serious tag #ask #fate sprite comic #nobbu #oda nobunaga (kaiser) #apologies for the very lengthy delay #wanted to give a solid response to this one but uh #y'know #stuff happened #(a lot of stuff) #but i hope this helps answer things! #perhaps a bit more serious a response than asked for but fuck it #here ya go lmao #re: eat the [x]

[casual-owl]

Day 1

So today started out pretty poorly. I woke up with a plan: I was going to clean my room, shower, do all of the homework I could, and that's basically it. Probably also read a book that I keep trying and failing to finish.

As of me writing this part of the post it's 2:20 PM and the only thing I've done is shower. To be fair, it's better than nothing. On the other hand, it would've been completely realistic for me to be done with most of the other tasks as well by now.

It kind of feels like my brain and my body are two separate entities. Not like how when I disassociate, which is more like my brain is a passenger in my body. This ADHD paralysis is more like my brain is desperately begging my body to go do my tasks, but my body has noise-cancelling headphones on.

Getting out of this paralysis is a method of trial and error. My first attempt shall be listening to music and dividing up cleaning into predetermined steps. For anyone needing similar help, here are my steps:

- Make the bed (messy beds for me always seem to take up the most visual space and make cleaning seem much more daunting than it really is)

- Pick up near the desk area (the clutter near my desk makes walking around my room really difficult and annoying, which then makes the cleaning process more effort)

- Sort clothes into clean and not clean (a lot of my clothes on the floor weren't even worn, I just tried them on and left them there instead of putting them back, so the two individual piles will look like two smaller tasks instead of one huge task)

- Put away clean clothes (this is more difficult than throwing the dirty clothes in the laundry basket in my opinion so it goes first)

- Put away dirty clothes (duh)

- Gather all small things where they belong (this is just a mess of skincare and makeup that will take just a few minutes to clean up and will feel more like a "finishing touch" than a task I hope)

I added the reasoning for each step because maybe you have a bit of a different set of cleaning tasks but can apply a similar logic, making the process of creating a step list easier! (Or at least I hope it will!!)

---

Finally, just under two hours later, my room is clean! I took my meds earlier which really was a game changer, and so was making the step-by-step plan.

Now my options are between making lunch and doing my homework.

I think I'll do homework first, because lunch would require me to leave my room and therefore it feels like a much more drastic task transition. Not fighting my brain right now is the most frictionless path to task completion.

Plus, after I finish homework there's nothing stopping me from watching YouTube on my laptop without guilt, while if I did lunch and YouTube before homework I'm just all the more likely to get stuck in paralysis like I was this morning.

Task steps for homework:

- First do my literature homework (it's the least difficult part of my homework, which makes the task transition easier)

- Then math homework (it's not difficult but it is tedious, and in my opinion long and tedious is worse than short and challenging)

- Put away homework supplies (storage is in desk and backpack, which are both accessible without having to even leave the desk, which makes the task as easy as possible)

Okay, we just did the worst task (in my opinion), and we've got momentum going. I'm hoping to be done by 5:30 PM (it is now 4:13). But of course, we shall see.

---

Guess who finished before my goal time?? Me!! That's who!! Finished ten minutes before my goal, and as I'm writing this I'm warming up a frozen pre-made meal for a late lunch/early dinner. (Woo love having fewer steps for stuff!)

I found a new show to watch, I've got one of my favorite foods cooking (and it smells good), and my tasks for today are done!

I'll probably try to read a chapter of the book I mentioned in the beginning before bed :)

---

What we learned today

1. Minimize task shifts (make changes between tasks as minimally drastic as possible)

2. Break up big tasks into a series of steps before beginning the task (this is to minimize the mental effort of deciding what to do first, I believe that's called decision fatigue?)

3. Have something to look forward to as a reward after tasks (this could be starting a new show, doing your nails, anything that would make you happy)

---

Reflections for the day

Grateful for: warm showers, easily accessible food, support from others

Proud of: Finishing my tasks before my goal time

Feeling right now: satisfied and a little tired

Goals for tomorrow: to go over chem lecture slides with a friend, meal prep for the week, and recharge before Monday

---

Thank you for reading this far, I'm still exploring how I plan on formatting these posts but I think I'll definitely keep the reflection portions as they are now. In regards to the "going through my day" I think that part will vary depending on the day I'm having and what I find most important to discuss at that time.

#mental health #adhd #productivity tips #adhd productivity #executive dysfunction #emotional health #introspection #reflection #journal blog #journal

[catnherthoughts]

damned if you do, worse if you don't 9/23

referential

there is nothing in this moment that i feel other then shame on myself. i feel like the shell of a woman. this isn't who my mother raised. i'm hurting her by doing this. i came to university and i get up everyday doing work to be able to one day provide for her. make her sacrifices worth while. there is a deep feeling within me that i am not enough. i don't work hard enough. i am not smart enough. not pretty enough. not enough. it feels like the disability i have mentally is a curse on me and everyone around me. i feel like there is something wrong with me that everyone else can see that i can't. im too loud, i dress weird, i don't get certain things, i come off too strong. i try my best to make up for this?

i go out and have fun with my friends. i try to be the life of the party. i meet people and am as nice as possible so that one day if i'm in a position where they can help me they see me as good and kind. i take a lot. you need this? i have it. you're not doing well? how can i help. if someone asked of me i am going to do it. they are owed it to be in my presence. to take me in knowing i am flawed. i do my best for others. i'm not good enough then i'll do all i can to be useful. see my worth. approved of me please.

i talk to men at these parties. i don't want to come off as rude. we have conversation. i like having conversations and have been told i am a good conversationalist. getting to know people. mingling. i do what i can. men can be scary. i feel as if sometimes men see a clock over my head representing how much longer until they can kiss me and touch me and use me. nothing more than an object. i've felt this way in the eyes of men for most of my life. i want to have these networking connections so when they glance at my chest or try to put their hand on my waist i laugh, move a little, try to let them know without making them angry, god knows what a man will do when he is angry. i'd like to say that most of it isn't intentional. they're men, it's what they do. something about testosterone and the portrayal of men in media and the porn industry. i always hope that once i laugh off their advance on me they will back off and see me as a person. a human being and potentially a friend. i like to make friends and be kind. learn about other people and such. i'm not sure it always works this way.

maybe it's my fault. my outfit is too skimpy and it's not their fault they get tempted. it doesn't matter if i feel good in it, i won't feel good when i have consequences. i put effort into my appearance so i must be trying to appeal to them. talking to men is first base in their eyes right? in comm we learned that men see interactions are significantly more sexual than women do. i should apply this to my daily life. don't be friends with men. they don't see you as a person. they don't care about you and they never will. they think with their other head. a fault of mine for trying to be kind. appreciative that i was invited to a party. interested in how other's minds work. i go home thinking that i made friends and they go home thinking that i'm stuck up because i did not let them kiss me or touch me etc etc. so they lie. they lie and lie again saying i did. to make themselves feel powerful. they tell their friends. who are they gonna believe? you were drunk so you don't remember. slut. whore. all the words. i didn't do it but does it matter? i try too hard to not be tempted by the ways of men. i don't fall for it when they call me cute. i don't let them do these things. i know they don't care. here i am still shaking with fear and nauseous that i'm now seen as dirty and filthy.

then they say it to my face.

"you're a whore, i bet you fucked *"

"you wouldn't sleep with him if he paid you?"

"fucking bitch"

"slut."

"you're so hot when you speak spanish can you call me papí"

it's my fault for reacting. this is normal. this is how men are. you should be the bigger person. no matter what you do they'll say these things. he taunted me. in the backseat behind me like a little devil over my shoulder. i just wanted to have a conversation with my friend who was driving. whore. bitch. you're annoying. but i shouldn't have reacted. that's my fault. i sat in the front seat so i must want to fuck this man. not because i was nervous that if i was in the back i'd just be too tempting to have kept his hands off. i should've stayed calm. but i didn't. it's my fault. as i got out of the car i hit him. it was a slap to the chest. he said it was a punch to the face. i remember hearing something along the lines of him wanting me to be blacklisted when we were all standing outside. you don't want to fuck me so you'll be blacklisted. it's like it was on purpose. you don't have worth here if its not for fucking. maybe i should have just let him say that to me. have me. take me for his own advantage. who cares what i think. i am not a person in their eyes. i am just a latina with a short temper. what's the good of one of those if they can't use the body my ancestors gifted me with for their own pleasure. i am blamed. i am bad. i am not a good person. it doesn't matter what i do. i'll never be good enough to be seen as a person.

#female philosophy #woman #objectification #thought piece #bimbo doll #men #sexualization

[dzpenumbra]

7/20/23

Today has been... kinda crap, honestly. I didn't really do anything and I've been very depressed.

I woke up after 2 hours and had this dream that was... basically like a YouTube video but as though I was the camera. And it was in this style that's been growing in popularity of like... AI-generated scripts and storylines and dialogue and shit. And it just really upset me. This is really the next extension off of reality TV, where the primary goal is to produce as much "passable" script and material ("content") as possible to flood the market, to optimize your chances of getting views. Then... farm the ad revenue. Aka the new business model for entertainment media.

It upset me deeply because the theme branched off into... it being about how YouTube is blatantly and openly marketed towards families... read that as - marketed towards kids. So.... what I was seeing... was a generation of children being raised on stories that not only don't have any specific lesson to teach or moral to pass on... but are essentially just scraps of other stories mulched by an AI algorithm and pasted together as something passing as unique. Like that cheap particle board that all fucking furniture is made of nowadays, just chipped pieces of wood glued into a mass that looks like a board, that's covered in paper painted to look like woodgrain. And we're doing that... with the socialization and cultural education of an entire generation of children. And I fast-forwarded 20 years and imagined how that generation would grow up. And it made me really sad.

I don't really like this world, honestly. I don't like this culture. I don't know why everyone is in such a hurry all the time, or tries so hard to stay busy as much as possible. I don't know why we always need more more more, and need to push the edge further and further.

I really hope it's not everyone. I really hope there are people out there that are content with a simple life. That still appreciate someone taking the time to tell a story, or share their own story, or to make something by hand, out of real things. Rather than take short-cuts in order to mass-produce. I swear, any idea I have... I feel this social pressure to immediately ask myself "but how do I make 5000 of these?" Fucking why? Why the hell would I want to make 5000 copies of something unique and special? What does that contribute?

The more I see people content in imitation, the more it makes me feel like... the world doesn't really have a place for what I feel compelled to do.

And yeah, I guess I'm kinda in a depressive existential rut right now. I didn't paint the board today. I just kept putting it off and never came back to it. I added a second coat of wax to the beads, I'll see how they look tomorrow.

I'm just... kinda exhausted and depressed and weighed down. And that just kinda turned into a day of sitting around and watching YouTube. I wish I had been more deliberate about the decision to take the day off, I wouldn't feel so bad about it.

I just don't really know what my place is here. And I'm getting a lot of conflicting ideas pouring into my life about... setting goals. Like... a lot of the "live Here and Now" stuff is very contrary to making life plans. So... if you're truly living in the moment... why would you ever apply for a college program? Why would you ever sign a lease? Why would you plan a long-term decision... like taking courses for qualification in a career path. What's the point? Because you're supposed to just... do whatever comes your way and make the best of it. Because setting goals leads to suffering. Even if you achieve your goals, it's never what you want, and the gain is fleeting and then... gone. Where true bliss is being in the moment and making the most of it. So... what's the point of aspirations?

I don't know. I have a lot of conflicting ideas floating around in my head, and that combined with... feeling like I don't have a lot to show for my efforts...

Okay, here's the core of it. My work is my contribution to society. As a member of society, of Life, of the history of the Universe... my contributions are my work. My words, my stories, my thoughts, my experiences, my poetry, my music, my drawings, my paintings, my creations. It feels like society doesn't want them. Any of them. And they are direct reflections of me, just as a writer's writing is a direct reflection of the way they communicate. I don't feel valued. I don't feel... wanted? I feel like a burden on society.

I just smelled a skunk. XD What a wake-up call! Talk about "not valued by society..." Hey, at the end of the day? People are more willing to tolerate me "wasting" all my time painting designs on skateboards or polishing rocks or wooden beads... than they are tolerant of just letting a skunk live its fucking life. So... I guess I can count myself as lucky?

Ever since I truly applied myself to reconnect with my artist-self 5 years ago, and kicked my own ass out of critical creative block... I have been constantly pressured by every source around me to simply do ANYTHING else. I've even asked, what do they want me to do other than this? Because I've really felt this sense of urgency from them... as though my vacancy from where I'm "supposed to be in society" is causing problems in the mechanical function of society. As though others are suffering because I'm choosing to make art instead of... deliver pizzas? Am I supposed to be stocking shelves at a soon-to-be-extinct brick and mortar shoe store? Am I supposed to be checking out groceries at a grocery store right next to the self-checkout? Am I supposed to be prepping vegetables for the chef of a trendy vegetarian restaurant? Am I supposed to be helping customers at a board game shop? Where am I supposed to be? And the resounding feedback I have gotten has been essentially, "yes, any of those, literally anything but what you're compelled to do with your existence." It makes me wonder... if my compulsion as a human was to... teach... or cook... or repair cars... rather than make eclectic art and dabble in spiritual practices and write a ridiculous amount of stream of consciousness journaling every night... Would I have gotten support? Or would I have gotten the same message? To just pick literally anything else, because fuck me. To go work for someone else, who did have social support, who did have investors, who did have customers, who people were willing to take a "risk" on. Who society gave the thumbs up to.

Yep, whenever I talk like this... the depression is hitting hard.

I just don't really know what to do with my time. I have so many ideas that I really would love to just sink all my time into every day... but it just seems like... like I'm talking to a wall with every piece I make. Like none of my accomplishments and achievements mean anything at all to any other living being. Like my contributions to society are entirely meaningless.

Yep, that's definitely depression. And isolation. Yep. I'm not gonna feed that beast anymore, he got his fill. I'm gonna go take a late-night shower and try to watch something funny to cheer up before sleep. Therapy tomorrow, after 3 weeks of isolation. 1 hour of real human interaction. We'll see how it goes.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

[husbandhannie]

bloom

pairing: duke! minghao (seventeen) x f!reader

word count: 1100

genre: fluff, historical au, scene-by-scene

warnings: none, really. there's a kiss.

a/n: set in this historical au, this is the story of the reader and duke!minghao's first kiss (also mentioned in this nsfw drabble, minors dni). hi @97-liners, suffer the duke hao brainrot with me.

taglist: @itsveronicaxxx @zurikyo @husbandhoshi @kimhyejin3108 @starlightjoong

SCENE 1: at a party hosted by a local farmer, in celebration of the increased yields this year. the increase is largely due to your efforts to modernize the estate - it had taken some time to convince the farmers to adopt new, more scientific methods but you had done it, and now they wanted to hold this celebration in your (and the duke's) honor.

there are a lot of flowers here - you've seen atleast twenty different varieties so far. at a high-society party, this would be considered downright gaudy, but the view warms your heart. you know that the farmer, mr. henley, had them brought in from other villages - most of these flowers don't grow here.

"i know this isn't what you're used to, your grace", mrs. henley begins hesitantly, "but we tried to make do with what we have".

"it's lovely", you reach out a hand to hold the older woman's, needing to assure her, "this might be the most beautiful party i've ever been to", you lean in closer, "and that includes my wedding".

the woman laughs, shaking her head at your antics.

"i don't see your oldest here, ma'am", you say.

"oh, she got accepted to that secretarial position she applied to", her voice swells with pride, "she left last week".

"you must be so proud", you smile, "it was for a magazine, wasn't it?"

"yes, your grace", she sounds surprised, "the lady's gazette, it's called. it's a big deal in the city".

you know this. you had called your friend in the magazine administration to put in a good word, but mrs. henley doesn't need to know that.

"how exciting", you smile, "how is the house without her?"

"oh, your grace", her smile wobbles, "children leave you when they grow up, but one is never quite ready for the emptiness when they're gone. you'll know what i mean, once you have your own".

you chuckle, not being able to divert her question as smoothly as you would've at a society ball. unlike the nobles that attend those functions, you like the woman - having found a kinship with her in trying to convince her rather stubborn husband (she always believed you were right).

children. you'd be lying if you said the thought hasn't crossed your mind since you married minghao, but you haven't really considered it for your near future. the limited discussion you had with the duke on the topic left the notion as a possibility in the distant future.

as if on instinct, your eyes seek out minghao, finding him crouching in front of a young boy in the corner of the room. children, you realize, seem like a much more inviting idea than you'd have thought. almost as if he can feel your gaze, he turns around, his twinkling eyes meeting yours.

"maybe someday", you answer mrs. henley, tearing away your eyes from your husband's.

SCENE 2: on the carriage ride back to the castle (the residence of the duke and duchess). the ride stops suddenly.

"what's the matter?", minghao steps out and asks the coachman, james.

"there's some problem with the wheels, your grace", the young man replies, "if you give me a few minutes, i can run to the castle and fetch another carriage".

"that isn't required", you poke your head out of the car, "we can just walk there, it shouldn't take us long at all".

"are you sure?", minghao's voice is soft, "aren't you tired?".

"not at all", you huff and step out of the car, ignoring his hand, "but i understand if you are".

he looks at you for a second, mirth flashing in his narrow eyes.

"we'll walk, james".

SCENE 3: on the walk back to the castle. no one is in sight as the couple walks through the ground.

"mrs. henley outdid herself today", minghao's voice is quiet in the night.

"yes, she did. the village will be talking about this for weeks", you try to ignore his hand brushing against yours, "her oldest left for a job last week, i think she got involved in the planning to not think about the empty house".

"she's not the only one torn up about it. her youngest was forlorn too, said he's going to send his sister some paintings he's making".

ah. so that's what that conversation with the young boy was about.

"and let me guess", you say with a smile, "you're going to send him a set of paints - without your name ofcourse".

"he'll never use them if he knows who they're from".

your heart warms at your husband's thoughtfulness. when he inherited the title and estate after the unexpected death of his uncle and his cousin, he could've just given it up and lived his life as a poet and painter in france. despite his distaste for the title, he took this responsibility on - solely to give the people of the estate a better life.

"what are you thinking?", his voice is soft. nervous.

"that i married a good man".

minghao says nothing, taking your hand in his and bringing it to his lips, turning to look at you. your eyes catch a small flower on his hair, and you laugh, breaking the tender moment.

"there's a flower on your hair", you answer his questioning glance.

"i'm not surprised, there were so many of them today", he shakes his head, but the stubborn flower stays, "i don't know how you don't have any on your head", he pauses, a sly smile taking over his face, "but then i don't know if i could differentiate between you and a bloom".

"you know for a poet, you're quite bad with words", you chuckle.

"in my defense", he holds a finger up, grinning widely, "i'm a former poet".

out of their own will, your eyes move to the flower again.

"i cannot take anything you say seriously while you have that thing on your hair", you move to still him, placing your hands on his arms, "it looks like it's growing out of you".

your hands reach up to slowly disentangle the bloom out of his hair as he stands very still, watching you intently. you take the flower and insert it into his breast pocket, whispering a "there, done".

there's a moment of silence as the two of you stand a hair's width apart, taking each other in under the gentle moonlight.

you move to kiss him (or does he move to kiss you?), your hands running up his chest to wrap around his neck as his arms fasten around your waist.

#this is just me world building xD #just me indulging in the au in my head - nothing to see here #seventeen #seventeen fluff #seventeen imagine #seventeen imagines #the8 #the8 fluff #the8 imagines #the8 imagine #minghao #minghao fluff #minghao imagine #minghao imagines #minghao x reader #xu minghao #the8 x reader #the8 by amelia

[wanderinginksplot]

Riye (A Favor) - Alpha-17/f!Reader fic

Previous | Next | Masterlist

Third installment of my Alpha-17/fem!reader fic!

Word-Count: 3,100

Warnings: aggressive flirtation, Alpha is rude.

---

You carefully straightened the neckline of your shirt, eyes on the refresher mirror. It might be silly, but today marked a full month since you had come to Kamino, and you wanted to look your best.

Your outfit had survived the morning, despite a meeting with several Kaminoans who wanted updates on your progress. You had been able to deliver good news - that you were right on schedule - but a sense of doubt overshadowed any triumph you might have felt. The first deadline had been met, but the next one promised to step up the workload, and you were already feeling overwhelmed at the idea.

Still, you were determined to push the negativity out of your mind. You would figure out a better schedule to complete the work later. Today was a celebration.

The bad thing about taking more care with your appearance was that it attracted more attention than usual from the cadets. You had politely turned away two different groups of young men by the time Alpha was due to arrive in the cafeteria. Another cadet - alone, this time - was doing his best to keep from being dismissed as well.

"Was it raining when you came in, ma’am?" he asked, leaning over you. "I have flight drills after this and it gets even more dangerous in the rain."

You did your best not to smile at the obvious way he was hinting about being a pilot. "You know, I think it was raining the last time I was near a window," you told him, voice grave.

"Then I'm going to need some luck to survive," he said dramatically, flashing you a smile he clearly hoped would be charming. "I've heard a kiss from a beautiful woman is a good start. What do you think? It might help me survive the afternoon."

"I wouldn't count on it," a dark voice warned.

The cadet stood as straight as possible as Alpha approached. The captain brushed your new pilot friend aside with a twist of his armored shoulders and sat down. He proceeded to start eating, ignoring the cadet completely.

Any other cadet would have backed away, thankful that Alpha hadn't decided to throw them directly into the oceans of Kamino, but this one was more determined than most.

He winked at you from behind Alpha's head. "By the way, my name is-"

"She doesn't want to know your name," Alpha told him. "Get out of here before I decide that I want to know it."

"Very flattering, Captain," the cadet said cheekily. "But Jango's face isn't the one I want to wake up to, yeah?"

Alpha swallowed his mouthful of food and deliberately set his fork aside, standing slowly from the table. He drew up to his full height before turning around. He was taller than the cadet, forcing the younger man to look up.

"Now I'm extremely interested," Alpha said slowly, his slow and methodical voice dripping with menace. "What's your designation?"

Behind him, you winced. You hated how glaringly obvious it was that the Kaminoans considered these men products. Also, this cadet might die in front of you and that would almost certainly ruin your ability to eat in the cafeteria anymore.

"CT-7115," the cadet said with a grin.

"Ah, part of Zackra Trem's group." Alpha raised his comlink. "Trem."

"Alpha," a female voice returned immediately.

"I've got one of your pilot cadets here in the cafeteria. 7115."

"Broadside," Trem said, clearly recognizing the number. "He's one of my best, Alpha. Don't break him too badly."

"No promises," Alpha replied, turning slightly back toward Broadside. Since you were seated directly behind Alpha, you couldn't see his expression yourself, but it was enough to make Broadside's grin slip for the first time.

"I'll make you a deal," Trem offered. "I'll give him hell here and then send him back to you tonight. I'm sure he could help you demonstrate something unpleasant to your ARCs."

Alpha considered that for a long moment while Broadside shifted uncomfortably. Eventually, he conceded, "That works."

Trem laughed. "Do I even wanna know what he did to you?"

"Harassed an uninterested female."

The laughter emanating from the comlink's speakers cut off abruptly. "In that case, I think we should coordinate punishments. I'll be in touch, Captain."

The transmission cut off suddenly and Alpha looked at Broadside once more. "You had best get to your training, son."

Broadside, looking suddenly concerned, nodded and hurried away. “What was that?” you asked quietly when Alpha had sat down across from you once more.

“I told his superior officer about his behavior.”

“What more than that?” you pressed.

Alpha grinned suddenly, and it was half a snarl. “It just so happens that his superior officer is Zackra Trem. It’s not my story to tell, but she’s got more reason than most to hate that kind of osik behavior.”

You could very well guess the rest of that story. Your heart twisted for Trem, though you had never met her. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Nice, but she wouldn’t appreciate the sentiment,” Alpha told you, not unkindly. “Feel sorry for your little pilot. She’s a Weequay who ran with Mandalorians for the past few decades. Whatever she makes him do, it won’t be pleasant.”

You chuckled at that, trying not to actually feel sorry for Broadside. In the time you had been hanging around Alpha, most of the cadets had eased up a bit on flirting, but every now and then, someone crossed the line.

Alpha picked his fork up again and shot you an intense look. “Why are you dressed like that?”

Though your immediate instinct was to be embarrassed about being overdressed, even mildly, you rolled your eyes at him. “Anything looks like too much when everyone else wears uniforms all of the time. Remember that day I wore a necklace?”

“Yeah, I remember,” Alpha said, snorting. “A necklace. What are you, a Senator?”

“Your ideas of fancy clothing are extremely skewed, I hope you know that,” you told him, adjusting your collar again.

“Hazards of the job,” Alpha replied with a casual shrug as he returned his focus to his food. “Looks okay, though.”

You paused, staring openly at him. Had Alpha just complimented you? Surely not… The universe wouldn’t survive such unexpected behavior, not without signs that space was collapsing in on itself.

Alpha noticed you watching him and lifted an eyebrow in question while he chewed. You just shook your head and applied yourself to your own lunch, avoiding his curious eyes. Explaining your thought process there would be an intensive effort, especially if your goal was to keep him from being uncomfortable.

Fortunately, avoiding Alpha’s eyes let you notice the approaching cadet sooner than your companion did, and you had time to brace yourself before the young man - even younger than you were used to seeing - opened his mouth.

“Excuse me-”

“Kriff,” Alpha said loudly, dark brows crashing down over his eyes. “Go away, kid. I’ve already ruined one cadet’s day and I have no problem adding to the list. She doesn’t want to talk to you.”

“N-no, sir, of course not,” the cadet told him, nodding respectfully at you as he went on. “I wanted to talk to you. Is it true you served with General Kenobi?”

"What?" Alpha asked, sounding uncertain for the first time since you had met him. You quirked your brows, unsure of whether to be amused or concerned.

"General Kenobi," the cadet repeated. "And General Skywalker, too! I heard you went on a mission with both of them. What was it like?"

"Look, kid, I don't have time to answer all your questions about Jedi-"

"That's fine!" the cadet told him. "I already know everything there is to know about the Jedi. I want to know more about your experience, specifically."

The muscles in Alpha's jaw flexed and you quickly interrupted. "What's your name?"

"Dogma, ma'am," the cadet told you, making an apologetic face. "I know names are against regulations, but my batchers won't stop calling me that. My designation is CT-4287."

“Nice to meet you, Dogma,” you said politely.

Dogma's cheeks darkened and he gave a tight nod. "You too, ma'am."

"Stop flirting with the poor boy," Alpha chided and you gaped at the captain. So much for trying to help him.

"Dogma, I'm sure Captain Alpha would love to answer any question you have," you told the young cadet, grinning triumphantly at Alpha.

"Wait," Alpha ordered, catching at your wrist before you could stand up. His hand was ridiculously huge and you found yourself shackled by his gentle grip. "You haven't finished eating."

You grinned wider at him, slipping your wrist out from between his fingers. "I'll take it with me. Have fun, you two!"

Dogma gave a half-hearted wave while Alpha glared.

---

The rest of the afternoon was spent locked away in your office, working on the second major project you had to complete. Your concerns about the deadline were unfortunately proving correct. The icy grip of stress and fear were squeezing your heart, and you were honestly relieved when someone knocked on the door of your office.

“One moment!” you called to the unseen visitor, but they didn’t seem to hear you. Instead, they continued to pound on the door until you opened it. You were unsurprised to see Alpha on the other side, glowering down at you.

“You’re mean for a nat-born,” he grumbled, brushing you aside as he pushed into the office.

After letting the door slide closed once more, you followed him over to your desk and plopped down in your chair. Rather than sit in one of the chairs opposite you, Alpha leaned his hip against the side of your desk, much closer than you were comfortable with.

In a show of belligerence, you crossed your arms and lifted your chin as you replied, “Serves you right for being rude about my outfit.”

“I didn’t say anything bad about your clothes!” Alpha denied, befuddled.

“Yeah, well, you didn’t say anything nice about them, either,” you argued childishly, conveniently forgetting his half-compliment at lunch.

Alpha frowned. “You want me to… talk about clothing with you?”

Well. Put that way, it did sound a little silly. Of all of the things you were sure Alpha did well, deep discussions about fashion might be beyond him. Honestly, they might be beyond you, too. You sighed. “No, I don’t want you to talk about clothing with me, but I was trying to look nice today. I put a lot of effort into this.”

“I don’t understand why,” Alpha said. “You look… fine… every other day.”

“Fine,” you repeated dryly. “Thanks, I was going for fine.”

“I don’t understand what I did wrong.” You were able to hear the growing frustration in his voice. “What do you want me to do?”

“Maybe don’t act like I’m wearing a ballgown to work if I show up wearing a necklace!”

“What is a ballgown?”

You stared at Alpha, the simple question making your brain screech to a halt. It was like a chasm had opened between you, and it made you reconsider a few things. Since you had arrived on Kamino, you had treated the clone troopers as if they were people you might meet out in the galaxy, but that wasn’t exactly true. You still believed that they were people - of course you did - but you were only just coming to realize how different they were from anyone you had ever met. While the troopers shared their own experiences on Kamino and had been trained to be perfect soldiers by the time they shipped out, they were startlingly young by the standards of the rest of the galaxy.

“You know what? It doesn’t matter.” You fiddled with one of the many datapads littering your desk rather than meet Alpha’s intense gaze. “I am sorry for siccing Dogma on you, though.”

“You should be,” he growled. “He asked ten questions before I could shake him off. Ten!”

“Wow, that’s what? Five days worth of questions?” you teased.

“Five days for you,” Alpha told you seriously. “For anyone else, that’s more than I would ever answer.”

You were unreasonably touched by the reminder that Alpha let you learn things about him that no one else would ever know. Moved by a sudden surge of warmth for the ARC captain, you repeated your prior sentiment, but more fervently. “In that case, I honestly apologize for unleashing Dogma. If there’s anything I can do to make him back off, please let me know.”

Alpha’s stare was level and unwavering. “Yeah?”

“Of course,” you agreed immediately, not understanding what a wildly stupid idea that was. That was fine - you would learn… and it didn’t take long.

That night at dinner, Alpha came in and sat across from you, but instead of starting the meal in silence, he leaned across the table slightly to get your attention. Lowly, he asked, “Are you still willing to help me with Dogma?”

“Yes,” you agreed simply. “Do you have a plan?”

“Yeah. Flirt with me.”

You fought not to react visibly to that. Carefully keeping your face blank and your voice flat, you replied, “What.”

He leaned even closer, eyes lit with excitement. “I’ve been threatening and trying to alienate Dogma all day, but the only time he was uncomfortable was when you flirted with him.”

“I didn’t flirt with him!” you reminded him. “I just said it was nice to meet him.”

“Fine,” Alpha conceded. “We’ll just have to do better than that if we’re going to convince him to leave me alone.”

Abruptly feeling like this was the worst idea anyone had ever had, you tried to speak in your own defense. “Alpha, I don’t think this is a good idea-”

“You said you would help me,” he reminded firmly. “He’ll be here in a minute. I need your answer.”

Your heart was pounding, one of many warnings that this was a bad idea, but you nodded anyway. Alpha smiled - he actually smiled - and the expression looked menacing on his face. “Good.”

In a moment, he had circled the table to sit beside you, his huge frame making you feel ridiculously tiny in comparison. He wasn't wearing any armor at all now, and you could feel the heat of his skin through what little space there was between you.

You tried not to obviously tense as he spoke next to your ear. "There he is, get ready."

Impossibly, Alpha managed to get closer to you, tugging behind your knee slightly so that you were angled toward him. When he had finished posing you, Alpha’s large hand lifted to cradle your face. His fingers brushed over your cheekbone before trailing down to your jaw.

"My little neverd," he murmured to you, face filled with affection.

You didn't have to feign embarrassment at the warmth in his tone matched with the intense eye contact he was giving you. When you replied, you tried not to sound squeaky but only managed to sound shaky instead. "You know Mando'a is my weakness."

He laughed, a low chuckle that sent delicious chills running over your skin. “Why do you think I use it?”

“Alpha…” you chided, managing to sound mildly flirtatious.

“Come on, little one,” he urged you, voice velvet in a way you hadn’t known it could be. “Let’s go back to your- Ah, one moment, neverd. Dogma, sit down.”

You looked over to see Dogma standing at the other side of the table. You had never even noticed, your entire focus narrowed down to Alpha. Dogma looked as embarrassed as you felt. While you were focused on Dogma, Alpha’s arm snaked around you, pressing against your waist to pull you flush against his side. Your face flamed and Dogma glanced away.

“Sir, I- I’m sorry, I forgot I’m on duty tonight,” Dogma muttered, speaking so quickly it was difficult to understand him.

“Sorry to hear that, cadet,” Alpha replied gravely, flexing his fingers against your side. It made you push a little closer to him in reflex, the tip of your nose brushing the space under his jaw as you tried to look up at him. Alpha shivered, and you weren’t sure how much of the motion was acting. “Maybe later.”

Dogma gave an awkward nod and hurried off.

Alpha started laughing even before he let you go, his muscular chest shaking against your shoulder. After a moment that felt like it had stretched an hour, he pulled his arm back and slid away a bit. You immediately felt the loss of his closeness and suddenly you were horribly uncertain of what expression you were wearing. Just in case it said more than you wanted it to, you looked back at the entrance of the cafeteria.

“I feel bad,” you admitted.

"Don't," Alpha advised, looking toward the door as well. “He’ll be fine. He’s a good soldier, just a little…”

He trailed off, apparently content to let his thought stay incomplete. You glanced over to him with an eyebrow raised, but his eyes were fixed on the door. “You can see every access point in the room from here.”

“That is why I chose this spot,” you agreed.

“Switch with me tomorrow.”

“Not a chance,” you refused. “This is my spot.”

“Then I hope you like sitting next to me,” Alpha told you. Surprised, you laughed up at him and he met your eyes. “You know, I’ve never seen anyone blush on cue.”

“Hidden talent,” you explained vaguely. Alpha didn’t seem convinced, so you changed the subject. “What does neverd mean?”

“Civilian.”

You laughed before you could stop yourself. “Civilian? That’s what you used as a term of endearment?”

Alpha blinked blankly at you. “What’s wrong with it? You are a civilian.”

“Yes, but,” you thought over it for a second, “-it’s not very romantic. Usually, people say things like ‘dear’ or ‘sweetheart’.”

“How should I have known that?” Alpha asked.

It was the ballgown situation all over again, and more than you were willing to tackle that day. “Well, some warning before you want me to go undercover would be helpful.”

Alpha snorted. “How much warning do you need?”

You pretended to consider that for a moment. “Two business days, minimum.”

He frowned fiercely. “If you get two full days of warning, I expect more. I need you to show up in a disguise with three different accents ready.”

“Harsh terms,” you told him with a smile. “With those negotiation skills, you’d make a great senator."

Alpha gave you the darkest scowl you had ever seen him muster. “Watch it, neverd.”

Idly, you wondered if Alpha would protect you from himself, but the amused glimmer in his dark eyes told you it would be unnecessary.

---

A/N - Pretty sure Broadside is wildly OOC, my bad. Also, sorry for the weird image for this chapter. I didn't really want the text bubbles in there, but I needed to keep Alpha's sassy hip lean.

Taglist - @imabeautifulbutterfly @cagrame @mysticalturtleenthusiast @marvel-starwars-nerd @lackofhonor

#star wars #star wars fic #star wars fanfiction #star wars the clone wars #prequel era #reader insert #alpha 17 #alpha 17 fic #alpha 17 x you #alpha 17 x reader #star wars reader insert #clone trooper dogma #dogma #captain alpha 17 #broadside #clone troopers deserve better #more to come #gar cabur #Gar Cabur

[stygiusfic]

megzag thoughts, part 3

You'd think after two whole blog posts (1 2) about Meg and Zagreus' relationship, I'd have run out of things to say... but you'd be wrong!

I've been thinking recently about the way they both approach their feelings toward each other, and how that contrasts the difficulties in the budding relationship between Zag and Thanatos. So, here goes another long post, full of screenshots, below the cut.

Though both canon relationship options for Zag start off on shaky ground, they have different difficulties to overcome. Where Thanatos is concerned, the relationship/romance arc is about processing the anger at Zag's departure and trying to put a name to the other feelings that arise.

But in Meg's case, there's a lot of resentment revolving around the presumably disastrous end of their pre-canon relationship, to the point where even after they start patching things up, putting a name to the feelings that still exist seems to be a daunting proposition. There's a lot of water under the bridge for the two of them.

I've talked at length about the impact of their pre-canon relationship as I imagine it in Part 1, and it makes me crazy that we don't get more than hints about it, but from those hints it's possible to deduce the gist, as described in that post.

They were set up by Hades, as implied by the "Fury" remembrance; Zagreus "tried not to get too close, and then [he] did", and he "said a lot of stupid things", which led to their less-than-amicable break-up. My headcanon is that Zag fell for her despite every intention not to, and she developed feelings of her own, but the shadow of Hades hanging over the relationship (which may have started as an "assignment" on Meg's part) made it impossible for them to come to terms with those feelings in an open and healthy way.

Zagreus eventually got tired of that uncertainty and said "words spoken in careless arrogance", as the codex calls it. Part of me wonders if he said he hated her, considering that he specifies that he doesn't in this exchange:

And now it's canontimes, and it seems like Zagreus, who so readily gives words of affirmation to most anyone who'll stay still long enough, is cautious of defining how he feels about Meg. In the conversation above, he says, "I still have feelings for you... At least, I think I do."

Meg, for her part, puts up every wall she can, rebuffing his efforts to build a bridge up until the very last Ambrosia. She says Zag can't hurt her, which is a big fat lie if I've ever heard one, and her approach to her heartache early on is to try to hurt him back. You know how her keepsake makes you deal more damage the more hurt you are? That, but applied to conversation.

So even as Zag keeps trying to get back into her good graces, and succeeding to some extent, the subject of any lingering affection between them seems like dangerous ground. They both put their hand in that fire before and got burned, so they're afraid of even acknowledging it for what it is now.

Take, for example, the conversation with Achilles when you're romancing Meg only, vs the one for Thanatos.

"I think she likes you more than she lets on". Achilles gets to the heart of Zag's insecurity with this choice of words (versus "I think he cares for you more deeply than you know" for Thanatos, where they're both actively seeking to define the extent and nature of their feelings). Zag's response, "I hesitate to even use the word", is very telling.

I think Zag's fear where Meg's concerned is that he could "get too attached" again, and have that be unwanted. He's afraid of them hurting each other again, which is something that's on Meg's mind as well, and likely part of the reason why she tries to keep her distance.

Meg seems, after the last Ambrosia, to decide to let herself take another chance, as seen when she asks for Dusa's blessing—which triggers at full hearts, but doesn't require the romance to have started. She goes from questioning what the possible (bad) outcomes would be of trying again, as seen in the exchange further up this post, to choosing to see where things go, one day at a time. She doesn't seem quite ready to tackle all of Zag's questions, but she tries to reassure him in her way.

Meanwhile, Zag's insecurity doesn't go away even if you end up pursuing the romance. It's why Zag is so surprised when Meg implies she's in love with him (which I think was necessary, in order to make clear that his feelings were never one-sided). But even if it's difficult, they have multiple conversations where they attempt to communicate better this go around, and I love that so much.

Even if you choose not to pursue the romance, the success of their arc lies in that they now understand each other better, as Nyx says. They're trying to communicate better, to get past Zag's need for reassurance and Meg's duty to stop him in Tartarus, and I'm very proud of them for that.

#megzag #stygius rants #hadesgame meta #will stygius ever stop loving megzag? never #even after everyone around me is like sure grandma let's get you to bed #no one can keep me from being emotional about this ship

[thewolfmanslayer]

Honestly the amount of people who say artists and writers should do stuff for free, or try to rip them off on comissions still royally piss me off.

I think the worst part of it is the entitlement, I dont want to make this too much about generations but a lot of commissioners are millenial/Gen z's who grew up on the "steal and pirate everything" mentality, take everything that you can because no one else is going to hand it to you. which I can get behind, when you are screwing over MULTI BILLION DOLLAR COMPANIES. NOT THE STRUGGLING ARTISTS AND WRITERS who are trying to keep food on the table as desperately as you probably are!

It's simple, you wouldn't walk into a restaurant, order food and tell the server "sorry I don't have any money, but I've got like a few thousand followers on social media, I can get your name out there, get the restaurant some exposure" NO! They don't need "exposure" they need you to pay the damn bill!

On top of that, most of these artists and writers ALREADY HAVE FOLLOWINGS. They already have thousands of people following them, waiting for the chance to get a commission, who are willing to pay for said commission, they don't need "exposure" when they're already out there! He'll even the artists and writers with a few hundred don't need it, they'll get more followers as time goes by, their skill alone will see to it.

And what is with people trying to get free art and writing? It's not going to work! You can't harass someone until they cave, trust me, you'll be long since blocked before you even have the opportunity. I don't do comissions, online anyways, but my own friends and family, people who actually know me STILL PAY ME whenever they ask for me to do art for them because they KNOW it takes TIME AND EFFORT.

How many times do we need to have this discussion???? Like when is it going to finally click that people who need to pay their bills just as much as you do AREN'T going to do this shit for free!?

Here's the thing about art and writing, that you've heard a billion times but still aren't getting; IT. TAKES. TIME. AND. EFFORT. TO. GET. DONE. the art isn't going to magically appear and the writing isn't going to suddenly write itself, if either were so convenient YOU WOULDNT BE ASKING AN ARTIST OR WRITER IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Look at that, you see that? The first picture I did back in 2012-13, the picture beside it? I did that TWO YEARS AGO. I didn't suddenly know exactly what to do, or had anything close to a god given talent for drawing (I'm not that talented). The first picture WAS THE ABSOLUTE BEST I COULD DO AT THE TIME THAT I MADE IT. In the time between these two drawings I admittedly took a break from art, but then I got back into it four years ago. EVEN STILL that was four YEARS of starting over from the basics, relearning everything, learning new things, wanting to actually improve my art.

Which, guess what, DID NOT HAPPEN OVER NIGHT. It was HOURS UPON HOURS of my limited free time as an adult drawing over and over and over and over again, every single goddamn day to get to the point that I was able to make that redraw look as good as it does in comparison. He'll, my art now puts them both to shame! Because I spent the time improving my quality!!

Now look at these artists doing comissions, they've probably put EVEN MORE of their time to get that good! They've put in LITERAL YEARS of sweat, blood, tears, frustrations and dedicated hardwork. Some did the same as me, self teaching and lots of practice, others probably had to go to school, which definitely wasn't cheap. But all of us put in that time and effort TO REACH THESE POINTS. Of being better artists, developing our styles, getting faster at drawing.

And maybe you think that this is super easy, right? That I or every other artist can just fire some art off and boom its good and done in like an hour?

FUCK. NO.

Even now it takes me several hours a day OVER MANY DAYS to make something exceptionally good! It doesn't matter how good an artist is, it still. Takes. Time.

Maybe the issue is that you don't understand how much actually goes into art, let me break it down for you, the steps that most people follow to finish ONE drawing.

-Rough draft: general character outline, get a feel for what I want to draw.

-Rough sketch: I start doing a bit of pencil to start filling in details like mouth, nose, eyes, hair, clothes. Ect.

-Penciling: I go over the rough sketch and clean everything up, maybe do some editing, this is when you can start making out all the details.

-Ink: I trace over the finished pencil with a pen tool and actually have the line art, everything looks clean, presentable, it actually looks like a character now. I'll spend time editing this and possibly redoing the inking many times over to get to a point where I like it.

-Flat color: I decide on which colors to use for skin tone, clothes accessories. Ect.

-Shading/highlights: I figure out where my light source is and how strong it is, I then apply the correct amount of lighting and shadows to the color to give it depth, I also have determine the texture of skin, clothes and accessories to make everything look real and natural.

-Blending: I smooth out the shading and highlights so that it looks more natural and isn't too hard (noticeable difference between color) so that it looks as natural as possible.

-Finish: I go over last minute details, finish any editing or corrections that need to be done. Once it's good I call it a day.

Each process is longer in length then the previous, with the exception of the final editing (as long as everything looks good) and even the rough draft can take some time. Over all this is SEVERAL HOURS of work for a SINGLE DRAWING.

So is it sinking in yet? How much is put into doing even a single character drawing? God forbid if its done with background. This isn't a "scratch a pen around and be done with it in ten minutes" kinda deal, no, this is SEVERAL HOURS OF SOMEONES LIFE BEING PUT INTO THIS

And if you still have the AUDACITY to try and wrangle free art from an artist then there's no helping you, you're just a selfish piece of shit, no question and I want nothing to do with you.

Someone might say "But I got free art/writing from.-" look I don't give a shit if someone did something for you THAT ONE TIME, these other artists and writers? Totally seperate and different people. You're one freebie experience does not, and should not apply to other artists and writers.

"But what if I really want this commission but don't have the money right now?" Well, that's tough shit. Save up and properly commission them when you can, it's not their problem.

"But what if I'm in a really bad financial situation and really want it?" That sucks, and I'm sorry, but again, not their problem. Chances are this is their only source of income and they need to make money so that they don't end up in a similar situation.

"They have a gift! They should share it!" What kind of cheap ass- LOOK, just because someone is talented or really good at something does not automatically obligate them to do anything for total strangers in anyway shape or form. These are living, breathing people, the same as you. They need to eat, they need to pay rent/mortgages, they need to pay vet bills, send their kids to college, do their taxes and everything else that YOU YOURSELF need to do. Asking anyone to spend their time doing something for free, when that something is how THEY ARE SURVIVING is beyond asinine. Not only that, this obviously isn't a hobby to them, it is very clearly THEIR JOB. Would you want to do a job where you didn't get paid at all? Doing a shit ton of work for absolutely nothing? No? Didn't think so.

"It shouldn't be about the money!" Well unfortunately, as with almost every other job, it is. We live in a world where we desperately need to make money in order to survive. That's the painful fact of the matter. If money never had to be an issue ever again then this would be a very different story. But it's not, plain and simple as can be.

Look, these people are just like you, artists and writers who are just trying to get by in a shitty ass world, using the one thing they have that let's them have an income. Leave them be, don't try and trick them, guilt them, or cuss them out when you don't get your way. Either properly comission or leave them the hell alone, plain and simple.

#artists #writers #art #writing #rant #comissions #people

[thoradvice]

hey thor, idk how to word this but lately I've been feeling that "I don't fit in" or I'm simply far away from everything. I feel like I don't know where I belong. I don't feel like I fit with my own friends. I never bring it up with anyone because it doesn't really make sense from an exterior point of view, you know? It doesn't look like I have any reasons to feel like this, but it won't go away. any advice on how to deal with this? thank you.

hi, anon. i’m sorry you’re dealing with this. i used to feel like this constantly, and it really is awful.

i want you to know that your feelings are valid and that they do make sense. but also they don’t have to make sense to be real. it’s absolutely okay to feel things that you don’t understand; it doesn’t make them wrong or bad. please know that this feeling will pass. everything negative you’re experiencing right now truly isn’t forever, as cliche as that sounds. you will find people that you know are yours, and you’ll be so loved that you’ll forget you ever felt like this. as far away as it seems now, i promise that it’ll happen. 

as i said, i felt like this a lot, for most of my life. i didn’t really make a friend until i was 11, and then we went to different schools at the end of the year, so i was alone again. it got a lot worse between 12-14 because i developed several mental illnesses too and i tended to have bad friends, rather than no friends. it took me a really long time to get over this - fifteen years, basically, to even start. it’s only recently (i’m seventeen at the end of this year) that i do genuinely feel loved and like i belong. i have wonderful friends & a lovely girlfriend, and it’s mostly thanks to them (+ some growth on my part) that i have gotten over this.

my point is that it’s not going to be easy and it will take a lot of effort, but it will be worth it. i’d recommend looking into cognitive-behavioural therapy, if you haven’t already. it’s most effective with a therapist, but it is possible to perform it on yourself. you basically train yourself and your brain to think differently and therefore eventually move past these negative thoughts. i had therapy before ms rona for anxiety from my school (real therapists are very hard to access for teenagers where i live, but my school is thankfully very good wrt mental health + has helped me a lot w/ accessing what i can) and we touched on this. i was able to apply this to this kind of thinking. it does take a long time to work through, and i’m definitely not “cured” of this way of thinking, but i do genuinely feel a lot different.

i’d also suggest taking a step back and looking at your friendgroup. do these people make you feel good? do they go too far with jokes? do you feel like you can talk to these people? i’ve had quite a few bad friends in my life, and it’s surprising how much of a difference the people you’re around makes to your mental state, especially with feeling things like this. it can be more subtle than you think. my ex girlfriend (+ she was my best friend for a while before we dated too) would usually be fairly nice / pleasant, but a lot of the time she’d be the opposite. she had moments where she’d completely ridicule my interests, where she’d talk about how cute another girl was (this is a trigger for my eating disorder, which she absolutely knew), or where she’d guilt me for various things, usually into staying with her. i didn’t think too much of it, because she was nice most of the time, right? what i’m trying to say is a lot of our friends’ behaviours that make us feel bad can also be very subtle. my ex would also be the kind of person to completely tear into a person - usually me - and wouldn’t know when to stop. she’d blow it off with “oh, that’s just my sense of humour!”. but if there isn’t a clear line / boundary, then it’s not joking - it’s straight up bullying. one of my best friends now has this kind of humour. but the difference is that i know she’s joking. she’s asked me a handful of times to tell her when it actually hurts me, what she can and cannot joke about. that’s the difference, in this type of friendship.

it can be really hard to know where friends / partners become abusive, and it’s only recently that i’ve realised the things my ex said / did was actually abusive. minor abuse, but still screwed up with my perception of healthy relationships. what i’m meaning by this entire wall of text is that your friends could be hurting you without you actually realising it, causing you to feel this way. i’d really recommend trying to keep track of your mood around when you interact with friends - how you feel before, during and after. and keeping track of how they talk to you. do they care about what you’re saying? do their jokes make you uncomfortable? do they let you talk? do they care about your problem(s)?genuine friends will truly care about you and how they treat you. it’ll quickly become more apparent to if they’re being good friends to you or not. 

if you feel like they’re not treating you right, it’s absolutely okay and valid to stop being friends with them. it can be hard and make you feel guilty, but putting yourself first is never a bad idea in these situations. it doesn’t make you selfish or cruel, no matter what you say. i feel that it’s better to have no/few friends than bad friends. i have a small circle of about 4-5 people right now, and they’re absolutely the best friends i could ever ask for. there’s no way i’d trade them for the world, let alone just a bigger group of friends, y’know? 

this is a feeling that’s really hard to get over. i have really struggled with feeling like i fit in for so long, but you can get over it. if you need proof, i can be that. it’s not something i’m fully over, but i do genuinely feel loved and cared about for the first time pretty much ever. you will be able to feel like this too, i promise. i’m proud of you for reaching out about this issue, i know it isn’t easy to talk about. i hope that my rambling will offer you some kind of comfort / help, and i’m always here if you need to talk about this again. <3

#ask #anon #thor gives advice #belonging #friendship

[miyukousawa]

The Importance Of Miyuki's Character in Daiya

Hello my darlings. ‘Tis I coming back with something nobody asked for, but y'all are gonna get it anyways because I've had this on my mind for the LONGEST time.

Disclaimer: I am a peasant who does not know what goes on inside the mind of Terajima-sensei. Please do not take anything I say and be like “is that true!?” because I am just a fangirl who likes to overthink.

Let's get started. This is gonna be a long text pos, so if you're ready, buckle up, get your popcorn.

Here we go!!

--

We all know Miyuki Kazuya, our devilish catcher, was the soul reason for Sawamura Eijun to take the Seido scholarship because he wanted to pitch to Miyuki's Mitt again. Yadda yadda. We all know that story.

Let's rewind all the way back to before the main story even takes place, before Eijun and Miyuki even meet each other.

In life, there are different paths. Every little decision we make determines our future. Sometimes it's good, and sometimes it's bad.

One of my favorite things as a writer is the “butterfly effect” - “a butterfly flapping its wings and causing a hurricane” but in simpler terms: “one small thing can change everything”.

And here is where we're I'm going to apply this: Miyuki's middle school team loses to Chris', and while he sits on the bench lost in thought, Miss Takashima (seido’s scouter) approaches him. If you pay attention, she was originally going to scout Chris. But she decided to scout Miyuki not knowing he was still a middle schooler. And he took the offer.

Now, here is where things are going to get interesting: What if Takashima hadn't approached Miyuki or Miyuki decided not to take the offer?

Miyuki says the reason he was at Seido is because of Chris and Takashima. We're gonna explore the other path. The one where Miyuki does not go to Seido and how this one, small change majorly impacts the entire story.

Narumiya Mei and Miyuki were friends; Mei gathered a bunch of all star players to convince them to go to Inashiro and make the ultimate team. In canon, Miyuki rejects this offer, saying he was scouted by Seido, but...what if that offer was never there or Mei manages to win him over? Because Inashiro invited him to attend their school.

Miyuki deciding upon going to Inashiro is where everything you know in canon no longer happens. Scary, yet intriguing, right?

Inashiro usually prefers not to not have first years in main positions or the starting line-up. Mei started off with the number 18 his first year. You might think that Miyuki's skills would blow Kunitomo's mind, right? Not so sure about that. Because they have Masa-san (Harada). Who is a second year. Who has more experience in high school baseball than Miyuki would.

The reason Miyuki even had number 2 at Seido his first year was because of Chris' unfortunate injury. Seido was willing to put their hands in a first year because... They really had no other option; Miyuki was the most qualified for the position.

Seido without Miyuki is...not the same team. He's their pillar. He's their leader. Without him, what are they?

With Chris down, and Miyuki being at Inashiro, my guess is that Miyauchi would be the main catcher for Seido up until he retires.

If Takashima still goes to Nagano and scouts Eijun, when she takes him to Seido to observe the grounds and he gets into that quarrel with Azuma over bullying Nori, (my fellow misawa shippers y'all better clutch your chests) there is no Miyuki to offer catching his pitches.

Because he chose a different path.

Miyuki was Eijun's reason to come to Seido. And because he isn't there and Inashiro doesn't know this boy even exists, Eijun is not gonna see a reason to leave home just to attend Seido. What will he do with his life? Probably go to a regular high school and if he's lucky, he'll be on the baseball team.

But Eijun's growth as a pitcher was because of Seido. Because of Chris. Even his most recent achievement “the numbers” was because of working with Miyuki.

Although Eijun isn't at Seido, he'll be with his childhood friends and his family. So that's a positive. Though with pros there are cons: not going to Seido means baseball may end for him when he graduates high school. Seido is a school that scouters keep an eye on, especially during tournaments, for any talented players they have.

I really do not think Eijun would go university/college because it's expensive and no team is going to take him in the condition he would be in. As said above: Eijun's major growth as a pitcher is due to Seido. Maybe his high school would try to work out the kinks, maybe they won't.

My theory is, since the Sawamura family live on a farm, Eijun would work on it. Not exactly the future he would want.

Applying our friend the butterfly effect, Eijun not going to Seido changes the future.

The reason for Chris snapping out of his funk was because of Eijun. As the fandom likes to refers to him: he's the literal embodiment of sunshine. Without Eijun there, Chris would never find it in himself to move forward with his life. To love baseball again.

Chris is not the only one who had some sunshine cast into his life: Okumura came to Seido specifically for Eijun. If you remember the first time we met him, he and Seto had come to watch the Teito vs Seido match. The school who won would determine where they would go to high school. He also took quite the interest in Eijun as well just from that one match.

Without Miyuki, there is no Eijun. So even if Seido does manage to get this far and they face Teito, there is nothing Seido has for Okumura to consider going there. Considering Seto and Okumura do go to this game. If there is no Eijun, there is nothing for Okumura to consider. Why is this important? To keep spoilers to a minimum for my non-manga folks (the anime will cover this), Okumura, like Chris, is in a funk where baseball is not fun and it takes a certain southpaw to bring that spark back. Without Eijun, Okumura will not be able to let go of his past and never be able to move forward.

Miyuki's absence doesn't just affect Eijun's future, Furuya also came to Seido for Miyuki. Long story short: Furuya was outcasted in Hokkaido due to being a powerful pitcher. Being an introvert, he doesn't open up to people easily, so being excluded from the thing he's good at is difficult. He didn't play baseball in middle school because of being a “monster” pitcher. Furuya saw a magazine cover with first year Miyuki on it and thought maybe this genius catcher would be able to catch his pitches.

Tying everything I said above back into this, Inashiro doesn't usually have their first years in starting positions if they can help it (Itsuki is an exception to this, most likely due to being the best pick of the entire first and second years); with Harada being their main catcher, Miyuki will possibly be on the sidelines. Therefore, his picture won't be on the cover of a sports magazine when Furuya is still in his last year of middle school. And thus Furuya will not go to Seido.

Where would he go? Most likely a regular school in his area or maybe even Komadai Fujimaki. Would he be happy? No. Seido is what brought out his true potential as a pitcher. Where he's respected by his teammates. Furuya doesn't make friends easily. You can conclude Eijun and Haruichi were his first real friends. But because in this world of actions have consequences, he doesn't go to Seido. He won't meet Eijun (who stays in Nagano) and Haruichi.

This one decision Miyuki makes doesn't only affect the characters I've gone over, it affects the entire team.

After the third years retire, Kataoka begins to think about resigning which is where Ochiai comes into the picture as the coach that will take over for him.

Seido does not have Miyuki, Eijun, Furuya as their key players, so their lineup will be quite different. It's quite possible that when the third years retire, Ono would be the main catcher and Nori as the ace with Toujou as a relief pitcher.

The reason Seido has gotten as far as they have is because of Miyuki’s game calling and their pitcher relay.

Take all that away, and you have a completely different team. Kataoka would resign and leave Seido, leaving Ochiai in charge of the team.

So you see, one simple decision of what high school to attend can change the entire story. For good or for worse, that's up to you to decide.

That's all. If you read this whole thing, I applaud you. Because that takes effort.

If you liked this, and want to see more stuff like this, you can always message me or slide an ask along.

#daiya no ace #miyuki kazuya #diamond no ace #ace of diamond #diamond no ace act ii #character analysis #this took two days #I need a break #everyone liked the og analysis I did #so I did another one #nobody asked I just did it for myself #I just wanted to write thid #bc im intrigued by this

[goldenhour-goldenboy]

I've been having a really rough couple days mental health-wise. If you could I would love to see some headcanons about how Ben would comfort you when things got too hard. It would really mean a lot

Dear Anon,

first of I’m very sorry this took so long but apart from writing very slowly I had a lot of other requests I had to take care of first. I thought about pushing this to the top of the list but it really isn’t fair for the other people waiting. However, even though this took very long to type out and edit I hope you are in a better place right now (mentally) and I hope whatever had you in a bad cycle is out of your system now. This turned out to be a bit tricky since no mental health is the same and I had to reread and rewrite this a bit so I don’t project my own behavior and/or fear and thoughts into this too much. 

Benny or not, you’ll get through this week and I’m hope you keep on fighting 💜

Benny and You and the Mental

Mental health, as most things in life, turn out to be much more complicated than one might think. Benny is no stranger to the topic - having served for as long as he did he saw a lot of people breaking under the mental pressure that comes with being enrolled in the army and he’s had a fair share of ptsd induced panic attacks as well. Though, or maybe because of this, he’s very careful the first time the a rough episode starts to hit you. 

He’s not shying away from it, as much as he wants to give you the space you might need, not really sure in the beginning how much you can handle or actually want him around and it takes a while for you two to find the right balance. Though he doesn’t alway guess right, he’s sure to correct course if needed and talking about your emotions certainly helps a lot, although it takes some time for your to open up to him. As your relationship progresses, so does your willingness to articulate your feelings and Benny as well tries to pick up as much information about you in those days as possible. He’s trained to read a person or a room in seconds and though it’s nothing compared to a professional psychologist it does help that he can fairly quick catches if your mood is shifting.

Though Benny’s very sensitive when it comes to his own feelings he’s not exactly and empathic person as much as Will is. Ben knows that there are parts he will probably never see or never fully relate to, though he tries his hardest and he’s accepted that. He’s never pushing you to share something with him you’re not comfortable about but he does ask questions to get a better understand as to what’s going on in your head and that might give him a better grip on the situation. However, this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t think you’re thoughts and feelings aren’t legit. He believes very much that what you’re feeling is real - he sees when you get into you’re headspace, he knows the feeling when you start to become distant and it’s hard for him to watch you drift away slowly, but surely. It breaks it heart every time but he never doubts the seriousness of your situation. 

For Benny, taking care of you and helping you through becomes a priority then. It consist of creating the best and least stressful environment he can think of, trying his hardest not to add to the stress in your system and getting things out of the way that could trigger the episode to get worse. It took him some time to realize that it’s better if your shared living space is clean and welcoming. He’s cooking much more then, too, making sure that both of you eat as often together as possible. It’s nothing fancy but at least it’s a whole meal, he even threw in some of your favorite vegetables to “spice it up” which is kind of ironic since he still needs some help with the seasoning but you appreciate the effort very much.

He also makes sure to find the right balance between keeping you company and letting you breathe. Benny doesn’t want to hover over you because he himself hates when people do that as he practically feels their worry seep into him and he doesn’t want to give you that feeling but he also wants to check up on you whenever he’s out all day. When he comes home he strides through the apartment, casually of course, and usually finds you either curled up at the window, on the couch or in bed under a lot of blankets. You’re much more distant than, responding in much shorter answers and it’s evident that something’s weighing you down.

He knows that you often need a bit of careful asking of how you’re feeling and finding the right words is hard, the question almost often seeming silly to him but inevitably giving you the chance to blurt out your feelings if you want to. He’s listening then and even though Ben usually has an opinion on everything, he holds back his advice and first words that come into his mind because this is your time to talk now.

He tries to gives you space, physical contact not always wanted as you need to just sit and think for a minute. Other times you seem to gravitate around him, seeking his presence to calm you down and though you don’t always interact with him of course Benny doesn’t mind being in the room with you and doing completely separate things. Though Benny would like to know what’s going on inside your head, he never forces you to articulate something you’re not comfortable with, respecting you and your feelings too much for that.

He tries a couple of things then when the rough patch happens again. Bubble baths, going out do something fun, taking you out for a quick boxing session when every other person has already left the gym but nothing really works and anything that involves physical activity seems to make you even worse which puzzles him and Benny has a hard time coming to terms that just because those are things that make him feel better they might not apply to you. So, Ben changes tactics. 

He leaves a couple of shirts for you that he wore for a day (they’re not his gym shirts, he promises), they smell like him and you can wear them whenever he’s not around, since the smell of him tends to calm you down. They serve as a reminder that he is with you wherever you go and that you are not alone.

Ben leaves you a lot of messages or sends you funny pictures throughout the day, the little notes he writes anyways a bit more thought out than usual and happen to find their way to you more often than usually. Sometimes they’re stuck on small lunch boxes he prepared for you before going to work, sometimes they’re on your laptop, telling you how much he looks forward to seeing you tonight. It varies but they’re always filled with love and warm thoughts.

It obviously takes a while but he gets better with every episode, figuring out what’s helping and what’s stressing you out more and more. Communication is key to separating helpful actions from the one’s that make it worse and since those sometimes tend to change within a day it is essential that you try to talk about what’s working and what’s not for you at the moment. It’s a tricky path between asking or not asking, doing something for you or doing too much and sometimes he fails but never intentionally. It’s a draining time for both of you and it certainly worries you that it might be too much for him but he assures you that he’s here to stay (”Backing out was never an option with you.”) Of course he’d have an easier time if it were something physical and, honestly, so were you but you can’t always choose your battles.

Benny makes sure to give you a lot of physical contact - if you allow it. He’s always very delicate with you, slowly getting closer and trying to read your body language as well as possible and if you don’t seem to mind he will wrap you up in his arms on those days where you feel so far away.

It’s little touches throughout the day to make sure that you know he’s right beside you, that he is in the room and whenever you become too distant he likes to press a soft kiss to the crone of your head. Sometimes it helps to bring you back, sometimes it’s too much and sometimes it makes you break, which Benny never intended to trigger but is glad that it happened when he was there. He holds you then, really pressing you into his body while he rubs your back soothingly. Ben lets you cry as long as you need to, never saying it’s going to be okay at the moment but showing you that it will, word’s usually failing him and even though his own heart breaks at the sight of you he is confident you’ll make it out of the dark parts of your mind and back into the presence. He’ll hold you extra tight at night, his arms wrapped around you, stroking your hair and making sure that you fall asleep before him, which is rare but he really does not find peace until he knows you’ve drifted off to sleep and you breathing is slow and steady.

Benny wouldn’t love you less. to him this is just something he admires more about you, the strength you put into doing better and fighting a battle that might be the hardest of them all. He says everyone can handle a broken bone but a troubled mind is something that’s testing you on a whole other level and the fact that you’ve come back from so much pain again and again is something he will always have respect for. At the end of the day you’re his person and couldn’t imagine his world without you, he doesn’t even wanna try. 

He’ll want you to get help though, if you don’t already have it. This is a especially tricky part because he really doesn’t want to overstep so as he brings it up one day when he thinks it might be a good time, he’s been turning the words in his head over and over again, speaking very hesitant about the idea of maybe going and seeing a professional. He assures you that he doesn’t want to hand you and the responsibility over to someone else but Benny, at the end of the day, is just Benny. He’s not a real a therapist and he sure as hell he doesn’t know half as much as them, even though he tries twice as hard. As much as he likes to, he can only help you so far and you, who he’s certain has enough strength to make it out of this, can only can come so far, without professional help.

“This is the part where I won’t let go.”

#triple frontier #benny miller #ben miller #benny miller x reader #benny miller headcanon #ben miller headcanon #triple frontier headcanon #triple frontier imagine #triple frontier fanfiction #benny miller fanfiction #mental health #mental health tw #generic as #trigger warning #depression tw #triple frontier x reader #benny miller imagine

[salvo-love]



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[douchebagbrainwaves]

I'VE BEEN PONDERING COURSE

There are a handful of people who could have succeeded if they'd taken the leap and done it full-time, but didn't. The evolution of technology is one of the most powerful forces in history. You'd expect that if the founders at one end were distinguished by the presence of quality x, at the other extreme fund managers exploit loopholes to cut their income taxes in half. Presumably it killed just about 100% of the startups who believed that.1 I'm still not entirely sure. Silicon Valley and Boston, and for the first 3 years we ran alternating batches in Boston and Silicon Valley.2 Obviously it has to double: if you trade half your company for anything, whether it's money or an employee or a deal with another company, the test for whether to do it. Part of the reason I laughed so much at the talk by the good speaker at that conference was that everyone else did.

If there are any laws regulating businesses, you can turn that into a recipe for succeeding just by negating. Immigration policy is one area where a competitor could do better. US is disorganized about routing people into careers. This test is also useful to individuals. If you keep pursuing such threads it would be possible to reproduce Silicon Valley in another country, it's clear the US is a particularly humid environment. The stick-to-your-vision approach works for something like winning an Olympic gold medal, where the problem is important enough to build a solid prototype.3 Indeed, a good number are merely being sloppy by speaking of decreasing economic inequality when what they mean is decreasing poverty. What weaknesses could you exploit?4 Putting undergraduates' profiles online wouldn't have seemed too far off as a description of how to be successful in general?5 And in particular, the rich have gotten a lot richer.6 Most successful startups end up doing something different than they originally intended—often so different that it doesn't even seem like the most important thing is to quit your day job?7 The course of people's lives in the US are auto workers, schoolteachers, and civil servants happier than actors, professors, and professional athletes?

Just be concise. I tried to imagine what a transcript of the other guy's talk would be like, and you'll probably also do a better job of presenting that aspect of your startup. The lower the rate, the cheaper it is to buy stock in growing companies as opposed to real estate, or bonds, or stocks bought for the dividends they pay. So here's the recipe for success in writing or painting, for example. So another advantage of private universities is that a university can make legacy status have as much or as little weight as they want, by adjusting the size of the bucket that straddles the cutoff. The low points in a startup are so low that few could bear them alone. You'll depart from sincere, but never arrive at convincing. One reason is that variation in productivity is accelerating. Make something worth investing in, rather than whether it's going to succeed. It's hard to beat this phenomenon, because the light is better there.8 One of the things the equity equation shows us is that, financially at least, taking money from a top firm would generally be a bargain. I have to pause when I lose my train of thought.

I had to explain what to look for in founders.9 How do you pick the right platforms? Just as a speaker ad libbing can only spend as long thinking about each sentence as you want. I'm not too worried yet. A round from Sequoia. In return the company would go out of business, you have to identify some specific trend you'll benefit from.10 Another drawback of large investments is the time they take. But I don't think there's an answer.11 And all too many startups go into fundraising in the same spirit. Fortunately it's usually the least committed founder who leaves. In the Q & A period after a recent talk, someone asked what made startups fail. Whereas if you keep restarting from scratch, that's a bad sign.

Surely that sort of environment is to join one and climb to the top. So don't get too attached to your original plan, because it's probably wrong. Maybe this would have been a mistake. And the hardest part of that is often discarding your old idea.12 Yes and no. Ultimately you always have to guess. The big successes are so big they dwarf the rest.13 If you get an offer from a reputable firm at a reasonable valuation with no unusually onerous terms, just take it and get on with building the company. Many more startups, including ours, were initially run out of money, your company moves to the suburbs and has kids. But that test is not as common as it used to be that way in America too.14 And even within the startup world, there has been an additional admixture of paranoia. When you see your career as a series of different types of work, instead of assuming you can rely on your intuitions as you ordinarily would, and b look at the origins of successful startups, few were started in imitation of some other startup.15

Notes

What you learn via users anyway. This is not a product manager about problems integrating the Korean version of Explorer.

Another approach would be a product company. People only tend to be spread out geographically.

The second biggest regret was caring so much to say now.

The way universities teach students how to value potential dividends. Not surprisingly, these are even worth thinking about for the firm in the general manager of a liberal education than past generations have. If you actually started acting like adults, it may not be formally definable, but they were taken back in a cubicle except late at night.

If the Mac was so widespread and so on? Some VCs seem to have to preserve optionality.

MSFT, having spent much of the War on Drugs.

To use this question as a percentage of startups where the second.

The Department of English. To the extent we see incumbents suppressing competitors via regulations or patent suits, we met Rajat Suri. For example, being offered large bribes by the high-fiber diet is to create a great thing in itself, not an efficient market in this article used the term literally.

All languages are equally powerful in the 1960s, leaving the area around city hall a bleak wasteland, but some do. Till then they had to write great software in Lisp, Wiley, 1985, p. No.

The most striking example I know it didn't to undergraduates on the East Coast. If he's bad at it he'll work very hard to say now.

Not even being Genghis Khan is probably part of creating an agreement from scratch, rather than insufficient effort to be obscure; they just don't make users register to read this to be good. The revenue estimate is based on their own itinerary through no-land, while the more corrupt the rulers.

Something similar has been decreasing globally. But if you conflate them you're aiming at.

These points don't apply to the prevalence of systems of seniority. Surely no one can ever say it again. The US News list? The key to wasting time is distraction.

A smart student at a regularly increasing rate. To get a false positive, this would probably only improve filtering rates early on when you ad lib you end up with only a few actual winners emerge with hyperlinear certainty. There's a sort of things you want to start a startup to sell your company right now.

Daniels, Robert V.

Thanks to Aaron Iba, Patrick Collison, James Bracy, Sam Altman, Fred Wilson, Anton van Straaten, Geoff Ralston, Robert Morris, and Trevor Blackwell for reading a previous draft.

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