casual-owl

[casual-owl]

Cheap Blood

To them our blood is cheap

Cheap

What does it mean

For blood to be 

Cheap?

They spill as much of it

As they wish to spill

Without a second thought

Spending it and spending it

But how do you spend something

That isn’t yours?

They slit our veins 

And bleed us dry

If our blood is currency

Is this not a robbery?

#mental health #emotional health #poetry #jumblr #jewish blood is not cheap #am yisrael chai #antisemitism #poetry about antisemitism #oct 7th

[casual-owl]

I have just come to the realization that I have to be an adult for the rest of my life.

Any and all decisions I make are now "major life decisions" and I'll never have the option of just going back and having my most important decision be what flavor of fruit gummy to eat first.

Life will only get more and more complicated and difficult and things will never get easier ever again. They might get better, but never easier.

It feels like life ahead is like biking uphill without ever being able to see the spot where the hill rounds over and you know things will get easier.

I'm probably over-dramatizing but that's just how it feels right now.

I remember when I used to have meltdowns over the choice of prize from an arcade ticket exchange shop. Now I'm having the exact same reaction to realizing I have to make major life-altering decisions.

Oh how I wish my priorities didn't have to change like this.

I just want the chance to be a kid again, but I'll never have that option, and that's terrifying.

#mental health #emotional health #mental illness #reflection #health

[casual-owl]

#aesthetic #comforting #cat #animal #cute animals #photo #photography #soft photography

[casual-owl]

I've never really been all that great at finishing my projects. I would start them, hyperfixate, then grow bored much too soon.

But I really have something I'd want to finish, and I don't know how to keep working on it beyond just the short period of hyperfixation.

If anyone knows how to maintain interest in a long-term project, I'm all ears!

#mental health #adhd #hyperfixation #advice #adhd advice

[casual-owl]

All The Same

What's the difference

Between gone, dead

Killed, slaughtered, murdered

Raped, burned, demolished

If they're buried all the same?

I've never met them but

Of course I mourn

As if I'd known them

My whole life

They're family all the same.

Spilling their blood

Might as well have

Spilled mine

All

The

Same

#Israel #jumblr #poetry #oct 7th #rape tw #tw rape #Jewish #jewish poetry

[casual-owl]

Day 3

Today wasn't really eventful so I'll just summarize it with this before moving on: Ate breakfast, went to my one class, went to the gym, did some physics homework, got stuck on physics homework, went shopping but didn't buy anything, that's all.

---

Today I wanted to contrast my need for novelty with my need for routine and familiarity. I'm specifically bringing this up because I believe novelty is a motivator for ADHD, and I just think that's neat.

My life is generally rooted in familiarity and routine. I get up, make a standard breakfast (eggs with cheese for late class days, oatmeal for early start days), I always listen to an extremely limited selection of music because unfamiliar music when I'm not ready for it stresses me out, I rewatch familiar shows instead of risking unknown plot lines, etc.

Simultaneously, I struggle with completing routine tasks. Cleaning my room, doing my homework, even just paying attention in lecture becomes harder when it becomes familiar/routine. Even things like basic self care become mentally almost impossible due to their regularity.

So I just find it interesting that for things I have to or need to do, familiarity is my greatest foe, while for leisure it's my closest ally.

---

Reflections

Grateful for: Nostalgic music, feta eggs, books

Proud of: At least attempting my physics homework instead of trying to do it the evening before it will be due

Feeling right now: Stressed over the physics homework but reassured by the fact that I already have a mental plan for how to get help on it tomorrow

Goals for tomorrow: Complete physics homework, dress nice instead of just sweats, remember to take my meds in the morning!

#mental health #adhd #emotional health #mental illness #reflection

[casual-owl]

Day 2

I actually started doing stuff not too long after I woke up today! To reduce decision fatigue from the start I already knew what I wanted to make for breakfast (feta eggs with balsamic vinegar). At the time of writing this I am sitting in front of my laptop, eating my food, and watching one of my comfort shows.

I need to check something about my physics homework but other than that, all I need to do today is meal prep (while I have time, to reduce tasks throughout the week), and review some chem slides when my friend gets here.

As of this morning I think I feel fairly satisfied. I've had some food that I enjoy, I'm watching a favorite show, and I'm dressed very comfortably. What more is there to want from a nice morning? (Also it's dark and gloomy outside which makes it better!)

---

Mini update: checked about physics, no homework this week :D

---

So I kind of wanted to explain the reasoning behind having a friend over while I meal prep and stuff. Basically there's a task-doing method for ADHD called "body doubling" where you basically have someone there while you do your tasks. It doesn't work well for me for stuff like homework because I just get distracted and start talking to the other person, but it's great for meal prepping because it makes the task more fun and less "task". Like instead of being a task it becomes a social activity kind of?

So um. Yeah!

---

Body doubling method worked! I've successfully meal prepped, swept the kitchen floor, and reviewed Chem with my friend. Now I'm just chilling and watching a show again, waiting for the tea kettle to boil. I was doing stuff all day but at the same time my day was fairly uneventful.

---

Reflections

Grateful for: Friend! Tea, and cheesy pasta

Proud of: Actually reviewing chem instead of forcing myself to just learn everything from scratch before exams

Feeling right now: Comfortable but a tiny bit aimlessly anxious, maybe because I have my first physics recitation tomorrow

Goals for tomorrow: Pay attention in recitation, go to the gym, do any work I get assigned the day it's assigned

---

Anyway, today wasn't particularly eventful but I think the attempt to explain my anxiety to myself was pretty helpful. Rationally I don't think I need to be nervous but emotionally I still am. I'll probably doodle a bit to calm down before going to sleep.

Also even though impulse buying isn't great, I've got an Amazon gift card and I've been thinking of what to get and I think I'm going to get a sun lamp because I really like the way it looks and the cozy feel it adds to a room.

#mental health #adhd #executive dysfunction #emotional health #health #lifestyle #adhd productivity #productivity

[casual-owl]

Day 1

So today started out pretty poorly. I woke up with a plan: I was going to clean my room, shower, do all of the homework I could, and that's basically it. Probably also read a book that I keep trying and failing to finish.

As of me writing this part of the post it's 2:20 PM and the only thing I've done is shower. To be fair, it's better than nothing. On the other hand, it would've been completely realistic for me to be done with most of the other tasks as well by now.

It kind of feels like my brain and my body are two separate entities. Not like how when I disassociate, which is more like my brain is a passenger in my body. This ADHD paralysis is more like my brain is desperately begging my body to go do my tasks, but my body has noise-cancelling headphones on.

Getting out of this paralysis is a method of trial and error. My first attempt shall be listening to music and dividing up cleaning into predetermined steps. For anyone needing similar help, here are my steps:

- Make the bed (messy beds for me always seem to take up the most visual space and make cleaning seem much more daunting than it really is)

- Pick up near the desk area (the clutter near my desk makes walking around my room really difficult and annoying, which then makes the cleaning process more effort)

- Sort clothes into clean and not clean (a lot of my clothes on the floor weren't even worn, I just tried them on and left them there instead of putting them back, so the two individual piles will look like two smaller tasks instead of one huge task)

- Put away clean clothes (this is more difficult than throwing the dirty clothes in the laundry basket in my opinion so it goes first)

- Put away dirty clothes (duh)

- Gather all small things where they belong (this is just a mess of skincare and makeup that will take just a few minutes to clean up and will feel more like a "finishing touch" than a task I hope)

I added the reasoning for each step because maybe you have a bit of a different set of cleaning tasks but can apply a similar logic, making the process of creating a step list easier! (Or at least I hope it will!!)

---

Finally, just under two hours later, my room is clean! I took my meds earlier which really was a game changer, and so was making the step-by-step plan.

Now my options are between making lunch and doing my homework.

I think I'll do homework first, because lunch would require me to leave my room and therefore it feels like a much more drastic task transition. Not fighting my brain right now is the most frictionless path to task completion.

Plus, after I finish homework there's nothing stopping me from watching YouTube on my laptop without guilt, while if I did lunch and YouTube before homework I'm just all the more likely to get stuck in paralysis like I was this morning.

Task steps for homework:

- First do my literature homework (it's the least difficult part of my homework, which makes the task transition easier)

- Then math homework (it's not difficult but it is tedious, and in my opinion long and tedious is worse than short and challenging)

- Put away homework supplies (storage is in desk and backpack, which are both accessible without having to even leave the desk, which makes the task as easy as possible)

Okay, we just did the worst task (in my opinion), and we've got momentum going. I'm hoping to be done by 5:30 PM (it is now 4:13). But of course, we shall see.

---

Guess who finished before my goal time?? Me!! That's who!! Finished ten minutes before my goal, and as I'm writing this I'm warming up a frozen pre-made meal for a late lunch/early dinner. (Woo love having fewer steps for stuff!)

I found a new show to watch, I've got one of my favorite foods cooking (and it smells good), and my tasks for today are done!

I'll probably try to read a chapter of the book I mentioned in the beginning before bed :)

---

What we learned today

1. Minimize task shifts (make changes between tasks as minimally drastic as possible)

2. Break up big tasks into a series of steps before beginning the task (this is to minimize the mental effort of deciding what to do first, I believe that's called decision fatigue?)

3. Have something to look forward to as a reward after tasks (this could be starting a new show, doing your nails, anything that would make you happy)

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Reflections for the day

Grateful for: warm showers, easily accessible food, support from others

Proud of: Finishing my tasks before my goal time

Feeling right now: satisfied and a little tired

Goals for tomorrow: to go over chem lecture slides with a friend, meal prep for the week, and recharge before Monday

---

Thank you for reading this far, I'm still exploring how I plan on formatting these posts but I think I'll definitely keep the reflection portions as they are now. In regards to the "going through my day" I think that part will vary depending on the day I'm having and what I find most important to discuss at that time.

#mental health #adhd #productivity tips #adhd productivity #executive dysfunction #emotional health #introspection #reflection #journal blog #journal

[casual-owl]

The Beginning

It's cold. I'm sitting at my desk, wrapped in a blanket, my dry eyes staring at the computer screen, my posture not unlike the curve of a shrimp. I should be doing so many things. I should be doing homework, I should be cleaning my room, I should be showering, I should be-

But I'm not. I can't. Each time I even just imagine standing up, my limbs grow heavy with exhaustion. I know I'll feel better if I just take my meds, if I just take a shower, if I just-

With every passing moment of this mental paralysis, my self-loathing grows stronger. Why can't I just do what I need to do? Why do I have to be so pathetic? Why am I so disgusting? Why-

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Hi. If you need to call me anything, call me Owl. As you could probably tell from that intro, I'm a mess. I have newly diagnosed ADHD that I never properly learned how to manage, and I easily slip into self-loathing.

A huge reason for why this happens is because I know I could do so much better. I know that this version of me isn't all that I can be.

I've long looked up to those people who look like they have everything figured out. Their rooms are always perfect, they always look clean and put-together, and they seem like they can take on anything.

A key aspect of that "ideal" lifestyle I've taken note on is those people's ability to reflect. They know themselves so well, they can always write down an emotional summary of their day, and are frequently dropping tidbits of knowledge about themselves.

I have horrible introspection. My worst nightmare is those questions that demand I summarize who I am in a set number of words or sentences. I frequently feel like that one sidekick character the author forgot to develop, treating them as a prop for the protagonist.

This blog is meant for me to reflect on and work through my life more productively. I'll be writing about my mental and emotional ups and downs, my attempts to get my life in order, and anything else that I feel fits.

If you were able to relate to anything written here or just want to join me for the ride, I invite you to stick around!

#self help #self care #self love #self loathing #mental health #health #wellbeing #reflection #emotional health #mental illness #disability #adhd